A Baby (Future) Hero.






It was still very dark when the woman on the bed woke up, blinking at her ceiling for a moment before looking around to figure out what had woken her. It hadn't been a nightmare. It hadn't been someone breaking into her suite since she couldn't hear anyone, and she would have heard them tripping the traps she had up because they'd be screaming as they died. She looked at the higher resting spots. No Barton. So what had woken her? She sat up and felt the cooler air outside her bedding hit a wet spot she shouldn't have on her side.

She looked at the long t-shirt she was wearing, finding it wasn't blood. She frowned at the ceiling. No leak. She uncovered the bed to find out what had spilled and found something that cooed at her. "What are you?" she asked it. It squealed and waved a hand with a happy grin. She shifted to her knees to stare at the infant; the drooling, peeing little happy being that she had never seen before. "Where did you come from?" It fussed a bit. "Let's get you cleaned up so I can change the sheets, before I have to buy a new mattress. JARVIS, can you please ask Barton to come down here?"

"I can," the AI in the Avengers tower said. "Would you also like Dr. Banner, Agent Romanoff?"

"If he's awake. If not, he can see him in the morning. I'm sure the others are going to be less than amused. How did he get in here?" The security camera was linked into her tv in there. She watched as an assassin she had thought was long dead snuck in and placed the cooing bundle on the bed where she had flipped over and taken the blankets with her. Then she snuck back out. "Was I perhaps sedated?"

"I have aired out the apartment. There was a slight ventilation alarm thanks to some light sleeping gas, usually called laughing gas," the AI said. "I've made a note for Mr. Stark in the morning."

"Save that footage down for me please." She took the baby into the bathroom to look at him in the brighter lights. He was pouting so she stripped the all-in-one outfit off him, looking at the diaper. "I have no idea what I'll replace that with," she admitted.

"There are emergency supplies and there's a bag of various sized diapers in it," the AI offered. "I can have it brought up."

"Please. I have no idea how to do this."

"That's fine, Agent Romanoff." He pulled up a virtual screen and a youtube video on how to change a diaper for her to watch while he got the diapers sent up.

Someone knocked and walked into the bedroom. "Nat, JARVIS said you needed me. What's wrong?" He paused, staring at the thing she held up. "Wow." He took him to hold. "Where did you come from?"

"Bianca left him," she said. She took the bag of diapers from the robot, letting it go back to the lab. She took the baby back. "Let's clean you up. Change the sheets for me please?"

"Yup, I can do that." He stripped the bed, wiping off the protective cover over the mattress . Then he found her spare sheets and put them on. The old ones got put into the basket with the blankets. He found new ones and put them onto the bed as she came out from changing the baby. "Go okay?" he joked with a grin, taking the baby to hold. "Hey, little one."

"He's a boy," she said.

"Wow, a little guy for mommy to charm." She glared at him. "Why else would she leave you a baby?"

"Maybe because I thought I had killed her," she said dryly.

"Good point. That's one hell of a 'here, you bitch' present though." He shrugged. "We should take him to the infirmary to make sure he's healthy and not covered in something like a biological sample."

"That's baby powder. It went everywhere when I opened it," she complained.

"Sure, I've done that."

She gave him an odd look. "Where did you see children?"

"Circus, Nat. There were a few families in it." He grinned. "I had some babysitting time of the older kids." He walked the baby off. "C'mon, the infirmary's a good idea anyway."

"Fine." She checked her bed then followed him. She had no idea what to do with a child. She wasn't maternal. She had no wish to give up her position on the team to learn to be maternal. Her only wish right now was that this was all a very bad prank being played on her by that supposedly dead assassin.

Clint walked into the infirmary, grinning at the baby. "Hey, Doc, you up?"

"I am, unfortunately," Dr. Banner said, turning around on his stool. "What's that?" he asked calmly.

"I woke up with him peeing on my bed beside me," Natasha said as she came in. "The security footage showed an assassin I used to know, and I thought I had killed, placing him on the bed."

Bruce looked at her, then just nodded. "Go get some tea or coffee, Natasha. It's going to take a few hours to make sure he's healthy and whose baby he is." She nodded, walking off to do that. He looked at Clint, who shrugged. The AI put the footage up for them to see. "Okay then," Bruce said, taking the baby to examine. "He did pee?"

"He peed tons, Doc. The sheet had a huge spot of pee on it nearly as big as him."

"So I don't need to worry about his kidneys working," Bruce quipped. He pulled over machines to look at the baby, plus his mundane things like his stethoscope. When Natasha came back with cups of coffee for all of them, he smiled. "I've got his DNA running. It'll take about three more hours." She grimaced but nodded. "Why don't you two go back to bed and I'll amuse him until it's done."

"I could like that," she said. "I have no idea what to do if he is mine." Bruce patted her on the arm. She walked off contemplating that nasty idea.

Clint shrugged, taking his coffee back to his suite to relax until the shouting started in the morning. It'd probably start about an hour after Tony got up, depending on how strong the coffee was.

***

Bruce Banner walked into the kitchen once the AI had said everyone was there, letting Clint take the baby. Best to get the bachelor standard reactions to babies out of the way before they figured things out together.

Stark stared at the baby, sipping from his third cup of coffee. "Did we build a baby prototype so someone can practice?" The baby grumbled at him and cuddled Clint's shoulder and neck.

"Not with how much he pees," Bruce joked. "He'll never had kidney problems." Clint smiled some.

Natasha looked at him. "Are the tests conclusive?"

"Yes and no. Part of it is linked to a file that's locked off." He popped some bread into the toaster and turned to look at her. "The other part is why he was left on your bed." She grimaced slightly. "But, it's only a ninety percent match, Natasha. Do you have any living siblings?"

"No."

"Anything that would've changed your DNA since that very old intake file it accessed?"

She considered it then nodded. "That would depend on when the reference sample was taken."

"Late eighties."

She nodded. "Yes, there were a few things that may have changed it slightly; things I was exposed to." She stared at the baby Clint was holding. "I have no idea what to do with this knowledge."

Tony shrugged. "I don't care if you raise him here," he said.

She stared at him. "I can't raise him very well while I'm on missions or we're in the middle of a battle."

"Point," Stark said. "We can look at a super strong nanny to help you." She grimaced but nodded she might think about that. "And, you know we might babysit now and then. Maybe. As long as I don't have to change him." He finished that cup of coffee and got up to get more while Bruce fixed his toast properly. He turned to look at her. "How did he get here?"

"An assassin left him," Clint said.

"They gave him a very light sedative he's mostly slept off," Bruce added.

"Are they still here?" Stark asked. "That way I know whether or not to avoid more ninja secret agents?" He sipped his new coffee. Bruce made more for himself since Tony had nearly drained the pot.

"No, and I have no idea how they were here since I'm certain she was dead," Natasha said.

"I did the check, she was," Clint agreed. He looked at the baby. "Are you old enough to need more than formula, little guy?" The baby snored at him. "Bruce?"

"No, not quite yet." He looked over. "We can pick up that and more diapers after breakfast." He sat down with his coffee and toast, digging in. "We'll need to pick up a few essentials, like a crib, too." He ate a bite of toast.

Natasha looked at the baby then at him. "Is that wise with the way we can be attacked?"

"Yes," Steve said, carefully taking the baby to hold. The boy smiled and peed some more in his sleep. "Wow, you've got great kidneys, little guy," he said with a grin.

"The last diaper's in the lab," Bruce said. Before Steve could get up, a robot brought the plastic bag up for him. "Thank you." He handed them over.

"I'm not afraid of diapers. A few kids at the orphanage needed some," Steve said, taking him to change. JARVIS showed him the nice video since he was staring at the lack of pins. "That works. Thanks, JARVIS." He changed him and carried him back. The baby had woken up and was sucking on his thumb. "He seems very happy and quiet." He sat down again, noticing his coffee had been relocated to Tony's cup and he was on his tablet. "What are you doing?"

"Ordering diapers so we don't have to brave somewhere like a super store. Plus a few outfits, some formula, some bottles, and a case of baby wipes."

"I have some of those in my room," Clint said. Tony gave him an odd look for a second then went back to his ordering. "I use them to clean around injuries after getting stitches."

"That does work well," Natasha agreed. "I'm out though." She stared at the baby. "Where are we going to stash him?"

"There's a room between yours and Clint's," Steve suggested. "It's tiny but he won't mind."

"That could work," Stark said. He looked at nursery options then grimaced. "Pepper would kill me if I don't let her help pick out things. She nearly did about the living room furniture," he muttered as he called her. "Pepper, me. I knew you knew that, Pepper. We had a baby dropped on us by a mythical assassin." He pulled the phone away from his ear. "Hey!" he complained. "Not mine!" He hung up. "She'll be here soon." Within nanoseconds, Pepper was coming off the elevator. "Not. Mine," he said before she could open her mouth to scream at him again. He pointed at Natasha as he finished his cup of coffee, getting up to get more and get Steve more since he had stolen his.

Pepper stared at the baby Steve had. "You're adorable. How did you come into being?"

"We have no idea," Natasha admitted. "He's mine however."

Pepper patted her on the shoulder. "We can work on things and find you a great nanny to take care of him, Natasha." She took the baby to hold carefully. "Hi, little guy. I'm Pepper." The baby sucked his thumb, staring at her. "You're very quiet."

"So far all we know for sure is that he's Natasha's and that he pees a lot," Clint quipped with a grin for her. She let him take the baby back. "C'mon, little guy. Stark, should we go pick up the stuff you ordered?"

"An hour," he said after looking at his tablet.

"He's been peeing every forty minutes so far," Bruce said dryly.

"He could probably use a bath," Pepper said, sitting down to stare at him. "Do we know his name or anything?"

Natasha shook her head. "Nothing appeared with him. They put him on my bed and he woke me up by peeing through his diaper. That reminds me, I should wash them soon before they stain." She got up to start that load of wash then came back. The baby was cooing at Pepper and Bruce like he was happy.

The same assassin showed up with a shadowy form, leaving him there. He faded into a young man. "Sorry, gotta do it this way." He looked at Natasha. "Hi, Mom." He grinned. She stared at him. "Don't worry. I'm giving you an out, slightly. If you don't watch me," he said with a point at the baby. "The daddy's handlers will show up to claim me. You'd know them very well. They trained you." Her eyes narrowed.

"And that means *he's* the daddy, yeah. By the way, you can save him. With the way they're fractured, he's loose and a loose end." He grinned. "No one expects you to be the hands-on mom. Really. I was really happy that you and Uncle Clint were like Uncles that taught me stuff. Dad too once you got him fixed."

He stared at her. "You can handle being an aunt. You have a lot you can teach me before I get sent out to handle something because I'm a dumbass. A dumbass with ideas," he admitted with a grin for her. "But a dumbass. You were right about that when you screamed at me for *weeks* about handling a bad thing by myself because you weren't there and I'm ...well, I'm me so therefore I should be able to handle such things.

"Oh, fair warning. Every single bad girl ever created thinks I'm cute and a good toy. It'll drive you nuts when I'm about...eight. Because the girl up the road...she's a future serial killer I think." He shifted and shrugged at the others. "I'm presently out of my body to do this because I'm still a dumbass who does things like handling huge bad guys on my own. When the Easter Island head was floating up Broadway and you guys were missing.... let's just say that I'm kinda glad I'm out of my body because Dad was the first one to show up and even Uncle Clint can't make him quit screaming at me in Russian. Or in any of the other languages he knows.

"I probably should've learned but, well, I got talked into it. 'Of course you can handle it, Alex. You've been trained to handle that stuff. You'll do your parents and godfather proud. Uncle Phil will *adore* being your handler on this mission, even though he's got broken ribs and he's in the infirmary next to you. No, the surgery to remove your appendix won't matter. They don't tend to hit you there'," he said, staring at his mom.

"Fury," she sneered.

"Yup." He grinned. "Uncle Nick thinks I'm going to be Dad's prototype for his group. I told him if he didn't hand me easy chicks for winning this one I was going to bomb the heli carrier on him and then go to the assassin bars I keep finding *somehow* to make them all my love slaves. Thankfully I fell into a slight coma right after that, while you guys are still missing in space and Dad's coming back from Bolivia or something." He put his hands into his pockets, grinning some. Steve sat up straighter, staring at him. "Dad talks about you a lot. Especially after you got magically revived." He looked at her again.

"We don't expect you to be SuperMom. Or SuperDad depending on your mood of the day," he said dryly with a slight smirk. "Even Dad said you were mean to me a few times, Mom." He blew a kiss and looked up. "Time's up. Dad's having them give me shit to wake me up so he can scream and yell. I should go hide with my last girlfriend but I think she's off killing all the presidents at a G-20 meeting this week." They could faintly hear a yell in a male voice. "Yup, that's Dad." He sighed. "I liked the nanny. She's a good one. I don't remember the first one too much but the other's nice. She did Mom things like bake cookies." He grinned. "We could always use more cookies." He waved and disappeared.

Natasha quietly wiped her mouth then stood up and walked off. She had to vent a tiny bit in the gym. Clint followed. She stared at him once she was in the elevator and he was waiting to get on. "You will not be helping because I am going to destroy things."

"Okay, I can go help with the baby." He went back to the table. "We're going to need to rebuild the gym, Stark."

"I would've done that before this," Stark said, looking at the baby. "Well, we know his name. Though, that Uncle Phil being his godfather was a bit suspicious." They all looked at him. "How many handlers are there named Phil?" he asked Clint.

"Four. Two are team handlers, Coulson, and Mertrich, who is just starting and he's an asshole who tries to hit on his agents." He leaned his elbows on the table, staring at the happy baby. Then at Stark. "We can find out."

"So can I." He smirked a tiny bit. "All right. Today, we finish whatever Bruce wants to do with health checks, we arrange a nanny, the nursery, get him all sorts of cute stuff like normal parents so the nanny can dress him in it, then we'll figure out how to change things so my almost-nephew there doesn't attract assassins." He finished his coffee.

"I need to look a file up," Steve said quietly.

"If she's not doing it, I'll help you do that," Stark agreed. "Not like I won't be in their files all day anyway." He looked at Pepper. "Find the nanny?"

"While I'm shopping for the nursery," she promised with a smile.

He blew a kiss as he stood up. "I figured you'd want to since you hated how I decorated the living room until you changed it on me." He left her to it.

Bruce took the baby back. "Let's start that bath, Alex. Then we'll figure stuff out once the diapers get here." The baby squealed and cooed at him, flinging his arms around. Bruce laughed. "It's great that you're happy. It'll be a nice foil to all the sarcasm around here." He got up, Clint following to help him give the baby a bath. He gave Clint a strange look.

"I did some babysitting back in the circus."

"That's handy. I've only dealt with some sick ones."

Pepper was already doing a search on Tony's tablet. Security minded nanny agencies weren't that hard to find but the baby would need special precautions. Before Tony taught him to build his own suit and use it to fight bad guys. They could probably side-swipe that destiny before the baby turned into that guy that got screamed at for doing heroic things.

***

By that night, the baby had cute clothes, he had plenty of diapers because the fountain of pee had slowed but not stopped, and Pepper had done a nice job getting the nursery together with non-cutesy things but sturdy and they'd last for a while in case anyone else had a baby suddenly show up. Pepper smiled at the baby. "Now all we have to do is file a birth certificate for you, little guy."

"If we do, Fury will know," Steve said.

"If we don't, you can't put him on your health insurance, register him for school, or do anything else legally." Pepper looked at him. "Gotta happen. Doesn't have to happen *here*, but it has to be filed somewhere."

"I've been looking overseas based on what Bruce said about how old he is, there's three possibles and one does list our wonderful assassin," Stark said with a grin, handing her the tablet so she could look at them. "I'm guessing it's the one you're on."

She stared at it then nodded. "It is. We need copies of this I suppose."

"Probably for legal reasons," Pepper agreed. She glanced at it then at her. "Do we know the father?"

"I once knew him very well," she admitted, handing the tablet back. She looked at the little radio-like device on the table that had an unfortunate teddy bear on it. "That's for...."

"It's the baby monitor. I couldn't find one without cutesy things," Pepper said. "It'll give everyone enough room to carry it down four floors or up to the landing deck." Natasha nodded, looking it over. She turned it up. The baby was snoring. Natasha was trying not to smile at that. Pepper smiled at Bruce. "Something was weird about his diaper earlier so I left it in the work area inside a loosely sealed plastic bag so there was no ammonia build up." He stared at her, chewing his current bite of sandwich. "It had black, tarry stuff and he hadn't pooped. He started to when I was changing and that looked normal."

"That is weird. I can look." He finished his sandwich on his way down there. He came up an hour later, watching them listen to the baby have happy puppy dreams - he was even barking and growling a tiny bit. "It's got fish proteins." Natasha gave him an odd look. "Would they have tampered?"

"It's possible," she admitted. "Do we need more bloodwork?"

"His bloodwork didn't show anything like this." He put down the reports he had printed off. "Nothing unusual. Nothing fish related. No weird items in his blood at all." She looked them over, frowning. He put down one more. "This is what was in the black, tarry urine."

She frowned. "What sort of fish is that?"

"Unknown. The computer couldn't match it but it was definitely fish related," Bruce said. Tony reached over to snatch it to look at. "Any ideas?"

"No, and SHIELD's database doesn't have anything on fish DNA being given," he said, handing it back. "If we run into it, we'll know. Any other weird things?"

"Not yet," Bruce admitted. "Though I can't be sure if he'll show any of his mother's gifts when he starts to walk, climb, and run."

"Run?" Stark asked.

"Yes, babies run," Clint said, grinning at him. "They run a lot once they learn. They get into *everything*."

Stark made a tiny whining noise, looking at Pepper. "I've already got the stuff ordered so we can babyproof the cabinets, Tony. Calm down."

"My robots."

"You can tell them to avoid the baby." She patted him on the hand. "They might like him though. It'd give them whole new people to chase and fuss at."

He stared at her. "My robots. They only get to fuss over me, Pepper."

"Then build him his own," Bruce quipped. "I'm sure we'd all like a baby changing one."

"Yes, we would," Natasha agreed. "I can't imagine how they'd be worse than earlier's wet ones."

Bruce looked at her. "You do not want to know. Think diarrhea, Natasha." She shuddered a tiny bit. "Babies get it all the time just because they can."

"His nanny is coming tomorrow," Pepper assured her. "We have six to interview. All over the age of consent, have passed prior background checks, they're bonded, and four of them have worked with agents in the past." She smiled. "The agency is recommended by the FBI and the NSA's people according to their site."

"That's promising," Natasha decided. "Only females?"

"The only males they have are all on duty. Three of them are military veterans."

"That could help with what we do all day," Clint agreed. He looked at her. "I'll help."

"Thank you." She got up to make another sandwich and brought it back to the table. "Did you find anything today, Stark?"

"Three things," he said, putting his tablet on the table and projecting the tab he switched to. One was now a picture of Nick Fury scowling at him. Stark got back into there. "He's healing." He pointed at where he was. "The baby daddy is in Paris right now but looks to be switching." He changed tabs and looked at Steve. "You needed that file?" He nodded slowly. "You're right, it's him." He got into the oldest mentions to show him the pictures. "From the notes where they assumed, he might not know you."

"He does not," Natasha said quietly. "He does not remember much from before he woke up when I was younger. They had him in stasis and have removed memories before." She read the file. "It's supposition but not fully correct. Or if it was at one point, they have changed it as of the last time I saw him." Steve let out a hard breath. She looked at him. "He knows nothing from before he was dethawed when I was younger. He helped my training." Steve reached over to give her shoulder a squeeze. "I do not know why or what happened to his arm."

"He fell off a train in a mountain pass," Steve said quietly.

Natasha nodded. "That is good to know and probably what happened to his arm." That file got reloaded from the other end and a video of Nick Fury showed up. "Director."

"What the fuck are you doing?" he demanded. "These are sealed for a reason."

"We need him found," she said simply.

"Why!"

"Because I do. I used to know him when I was Russian." She stared at him. "I will go off the grid to find him." She turned off the tablet and let Stark restart it. She looked at Clint.

"I love Paris," he said with a grin. "And tranquilizer darts."

"That will not work on him," she said. "Injure him non-fatally."

"I can do that," he assured her. "When do we go?"

"Later." She looked at Bruce.

"I can babysit," he assured her. "It'll keep me calm to read to him later."

"Thank you. It shouldn't take us too long." She got up. Clint followed her to suit up and head out.

Bruce looked at the others.

"I'll help. It'll keep me from worrying," Steve said. He cleared his throat. The baby had quit snoring and was cooing. "I think he's up."

Bruce got up to get him, change him again, grimacing at the black stuff he peed out, and then redressed him to bring him out. "Here we go, all cleaned up again." Steve handed him the bottle he had made, making the baby squeal again. "Hungry, Alex?" he asked with a grin. The baby sucked like a super vacuum. "I guess you are."

"I fed him four hours ago while we were putting the furniture into place," Pepper said. "He wasn't that hungry then. He casually sipped."

"Sometimes babies have feeding schedules," Stark said. "I'm betting they had him on one." Everyone nodded at that. Steve carefully took the baby to feed. He also got anointed by the pee missile because Bruce hadn't gotten the diaper tight enough. "Eww," Stark said. He was so glad that wasn't him.

"Sorry, Steve. I thought I got the diaper tight enough."

Steve shrugged. "Babies can't help that." Even though the baby was grinning and cooing at him afterward. The baby was a bit sadistic it seemed. They'd have to make him a good boy again. "Let's go clean us both up, kiddo." He took him to shower with him. No one needed the baby monitor to hear how loud he was squealing in joy at the shower. "It's good you like being clean. It's a good trait to keep when you're older and playing in the dirt," he said with a smile for the baby. By the time they were both dried off, redressed, and back out to the kitchen, there was a visitor. The baby scowled at her as soon as he spotted her. "Agent Hill," he said with a nod, sitting down to feed the baby the rest of his bottle. He grinned at the baby, getting one back. "Much nicer, huh? Only some tarry stuff, Bruce."

"That's good. Hopefully it's weeding out whatever that was." He took the kid to stare at then shrugged. "We can sip and read." He walked off with him and the bottle.

Stark grinned at Steve. "You're good with him."

"Thanks. He's a sweet kid."

"Where did we procure the child?" Agent Hill asked, sounding exhausted for some reason.

"No comment," Stark said, staring at her. "Because you're hiding shit from us again." He stared at her. She glared back. "You can tell Nicky the same thing. Have a great evening, Agent Hill." Stark got up and headed down to his lab.

"Sorry, until the parents want to say anything we shouldn't," Steve said more calmly and quietly. "That's their thing to tell, not ours. We're just babysitting for a bit."

"It's good it's not one of yours." She walked off, going back to the office to report that. The director would not be pleased at this babysitting habit.

***

Pepper smiled politely at the woman who had just barged into her office being followed by Nick Fury. "Yes, can I help you?"

"Where did Stark get the kid?" Fury demanded.

"That is a private matter, though Alex is not his. He's being an interested uncle at the moment." She stared at the other woman. "And you are?"

"I'm Miss Madeline Constairs. Director Fury was worried there was some danger with having a baby here."

Pepper smiled and pointed. "This is Alex's new nanny. We hired her earlier. She's got two black belts, a PhD in Education, which she earned while in the Navy, and she's got excellent references. Beyond that, I had no idea Director Fury was a member of the group that lived in this building."

The social worker stared at her for a moment. "He is a director of a government agency."

Pepper smiled. "A very secretive one that's keeping things from important people. Including the health of someone." She stared at him. Fury was glaring. "I don't believe we need either of your services today."

"What if someone attacks here?" Fury demanded.

"As opposed to your ship?" Pepper asked, smiling slightly. "I hear it's been hit twice now." Fury glared. She stared back. "The child is not a matter of your concern, just because Captain Rogers was babysitting last night. He can do things without your input as he's an adult." Bruce walked in smiling. "Dr. Banner." The social worker flinched. "And Alex," she cooed, taking him to cuddle. "There you are. I've missed you all day. Would you like to meet Wilhelmina? She's your nanny." She carefully handed her over.

"Good afternoon, Alex," she said quietly. The baby smiled at her. "You're a very handsome and smart young man. We'll encourage that with some playful reading later." She smiled back.

Bruce looked at her. "He has the most active kidneys ever but it's not looking like a problem. He goes through a diaper every hour or so." The nanny winced a tiny bit. "He's a good boy about it. The little bit of black, tarry stuff was apparently someone like the director trying to inject him with fish taint, which he's peeing out as well. We've tested it, it's safe, he's safe, he's just peeing a lot. His other health readings were in normal parameters."

"That's wonderful. Let me go look in his nursery then we can check things like the local parks." She smiled and stood up. "You've done a good job this morning."

"Pepper did the nursery."

"Tony left it to me because he knows I have taste." Pepper smiled. "I also bought him a lot of roaming clothes and one cute outfit for pictures. His parents will probably like remembering him being this cute and innocent when he's a teenager. Mine did."

Wilhelmina smiled and nodded. "Mine as well, plus they're great to show during date picking up times." She walked off. "Do you like music, Alex?" He squealed loudly. "That's a wonderful thing. It's very good for your development so you grow up very smart." She got onto the elevator and pushed the button. "There, no more being in the center of a power struggle." He cooed at her. She smiled back. "You're very bright. We'll teach you to do great things like how to run Mr. Stark ragged. I'm sure he'd like to play more often." She got off the elevator, smiling at the staring men. "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I'm Wilhelmina Bishop. The new nanny."

She waved off Steve standing. "I'm evacuating him from the pissing match in the office with the director of SHIELD. The nursery?" They pointed. She smiled. "Wonderful. Thank you." She walked him that way. He had a whole stack of boxes of diapers. "Someone planned ahead," she said with a grin. She checked everything and nodded. "She used an excellent baby list." She sat down in the rocking chair, reading to the baby, who was staring at her oddly. "You'll learn much with me. Don't worry so much, precious." She smoothed the forehead wrinkle out. Then she winked, going to demon face then clearing it up almost immediately. The baby relaxed and let her read him whatever she wanted as long as it wasn't about dolls or puppies with bows. He fussed at that story.

Out in the living room, Steve and Stark were sharing a look then shrugging. "Pepper picked for strong," Stark decided. "Let's go get into the pissing match. It's my building so I should get to pee the farthest." He went down there, staring at the odd woman. A social worker. How cheesy. "It's nice that you decided to use emergency services for your own aims," he said as he walked into the office. "Isn't that like calling 911 to get you coffee?" He stared at her. "We're babysitting because his parents are presently overseas."

"Who are his parents?"

"Have Fury hack those records for you. I'm sure they'll be amused."

"The baby is in danger from this...being," she said with a hand flick at Bruce.

Stark laughed, a full, hearty laugh. "Really? Bruce isn't the dangerous one here. Yeah, he's got anger management issues. So does Pepper and she can talk me into building a bomb big enough to take out a city. It wouldn't be my first after all." She blanched. "Not to mention that one of his parents is an agent, and therefore deadly. Hell, even Captain America can be deadly if you push him wrong. Why would a baby do that?" He sipped his coffee, staring her down. "I've seen your type before. You're a discredit to the very important job and I'll be having a talk with your supervisor over this little stunt, ma'am. I'd suggest you run back so you get there in time to pack your own shit."

"I will not have that baby here," she said firmly.

"Then get a court order," he quipped back. "Oh, that's right, you can't do that."

"There's no birth certificate. The baby's probably stolen."

"It's filed in an EU compliant country," Tony said dryly. "Where they mixed him in a dish." She blanched. Fury didn't look pleased. "Thankfully someone rescued him and brought him to his actual parent. The rest of us are just babysitting. He's kept Bruce calm for hours at a time by cooing at his bad haircut." Bruce shot a low powered scowl at him for that remark. "Hell, I've even had the baby in the lab. He loves my robots. I'm making one to change him so Wilhelmina has some easier times." He finished his coffee, staring at her.

"You have no reasonable cause or immediate need to remove the child from the building or his babysitter's care. For that matter, I'd like to see you get a warrant to try this again." He stared her down. "Our lawyers are two floors down. I'd suggest you visit them to pick up a card as you'll be hearing from them as well." He looked at the director. "As for you, do you feel better now that your ploy has not only failed but failed miserably?" Fury snorted. "I can throw you out of the building," he said pleasantly. "Dummy! Intruders!" The robot rushed in, throwing something to open the window behind the desk and pushing the director out it no matter how much he tried to get away. Dummy knew very well how to herd people, he had done it to him a lot over the years.

"I don't want to watch him become a sidewalk stain," Pepper said firmly. "Dummy, herd him to the elevator please." The robot changed tactics, hitting Fury with his robotic arm to make him go that way. That plus blasts of small electrical discharge worked on most humans. The men smiled at the social worker until she left.

"Pep?" Tony asked.

"I'll keep you from killing her," she said, picking up her phone to call their lawyer and then the governor. She'd already had enough of this power play. "Bruce, are you okay?"

He nodded. "Normal people should be scared if I'm changing color but I hope I'd never hurt the kid. I'm not usually like that."

"At least she made you sound like a predatory hunting cat," Tony said, clapping him on the arm with a grin. "There's a lot worse things she could've accused you of being, including a piranha."

"No, I don't tend to eat the things I smash." He looked at Pepper. "Let me know if I can help some more?"

"Of course." She smiled. "I'm sure it might be needed a tiny bit." They nodded and left. "Tony, take Wilhelmina to the park with the baby," she called after him.

"Going, Pepper." He came off the elevator on the living level. "Wilhelmina, we're doing Pepper's bidding by taking the kid to the park," he called, getting his next cup of coffee into a travel mug. She came out with him in a jacket and pants outfit, pushing him in a stroller. "I thought that would be handy." They walked out together.

"Press ploy," Bruce told Steve, who was looking worried. "Since Fury just showed up with a social worker to try to snatch the baby."

"I'd hurt him," he said bluntly. "The kid doesn't need more people who see him as an experiment." He got up to walk to the elevator. He walked into Pepper's office. "What can I do to help with Alex?"

She smiled. "You can go join them at the park if you want. Within a few minutes of someone spotting Tony they'll know he's babysitting." Steve grinned and went to do that. Pepper knew how to handle all the press stuff that was driving him nuts. He'd trust her to do this one too.

***

Six hours later, Clint Barton was in a SHIELD Europe meeting room waiting on someone. They had gotten him at the airport but not Natasha. One of the senior handlers in the region walked in reading his file. "You wanted me to come in this badly?" he asked, sounding slightly amused.

"The director wanted to talk to you about your child."

"Alex isn't mine."

"You're statistically the most likely to have an out of wedlock child."

"What, you think my time in the circus ate my morals?" he asked dryly, staring at him. "I'd reconsider that. All I am is a fond uncle. Alex is a great little kid so far. I'm going to enjoy teaching him to shoot my bow and all sorts of stuff." He seemed to relax, staring at the handler. He didn't like this guy and hadn't when he had been a snot nosed kid Coulson wanted to beat. "I'm pretty sure if the parent of the child had wanted him to have contact with Alex, they would've hit him up for baby shower presents."

"How did the baby get to the tower?"

"Someone rescued him and brought him to us. Apparently there were assholes with ideas and a science lab." The handler glared. "Beyond ours. Which is why Alex is never going to come here." He stood up. "Anything else?"

"The director has sent you an assignment."

"I'm on hiatus. Something about press attention makes it harder than hell to shoot people for SHIELD." He stared at him. "You have fun with that." He walked off, heading out to the airport. He had in his earpiece. Natasha had heard everything. She'd be able to handle this herself or she'd try again in a few weeks.

***

Natasha found her target, who was not pleased by the look he shot her when she came off the roof stairs. "We need to talk," she said casually. She didn't move closer to him, simply sat on the edge of the roof they were on. She was dressed more casually than usual, her leather jacket, jeans, and a nice shirt.

He stared at her for a moment, shifting so he could check around them easier. "Why do we need to talk?" he asked. "Are we sharing a target?"

She held up a folder. "One of our former handlers had ideas about us." She tossed it in front of him.

He casually bent over to pick it up but kept her in sight the whole move. He flipped it open and laughed. "That's a good ploy."

"He pees a great deal and he's peeing out some sort of fish taint they gave him," she said. "It's coming out like tar." She crossed her feet. "An assassin I thought I had killed left him on my bed." She pulled up video from the baby's room cameras, letting him see the feed. She smiled at the cooing. "That is the nanny, Wilhelmina. Pepper Potts found her for me." The nanny moved off, letting Alex go back to sleep.

He moved closer, staring at the video feed. "He's real?" he demanded. She nodded. "Why?"

"Because they decided we needed to pay them back," she said simply, staring at him. "I thought you should hear this from me instead of from someone we both know." She grimaced then cleared it up. "Thankfully no one expects me to suddenly be maternal. They understand I can't be the sort of mother he needs. They are all nicely babysitting uncles so far. Even though the son has peed on them repeatedly."

He took the phone to look at, grimacing. "What's his name?"

"They named him Alexian Mikhail. A copy of his birth certificate and the genetic work is in the folder," she said quietly. She took her phone back when it rang with a text message. A warning she had been spotted. She looked at him. "We're in Avengers tower. You are his father and it is your right to at least visit him when you wish." She tipped her head to the side, staring at him. "If you wish."

"I'll consider it." He grimaced. "I'm going to kill them."

"Possibly too late. Two are already dead and one's missing of the five-person team. If not, have fun." She stood up. "Make sure we don't have a daughter as well. Barton would turn her more girly on us."

He snorted. "Possibly. Thank you."

She smirked a tiny bit. "I would not have minded the standard way back then but now this is a bit odd. Be safe. Visit with some warning for me so I can send the others out." She strolled off.

The Winter Soldier disappeared over the fire escape, going to where his target was waiting on him to kill them. He had kept the folder. Someone was going to pay for doing this.

***

Natasha showed back up in time for a battle, so that was good. She had managed to avoid all the SHIELD people trying to bring her in to talk to her. They could be frustrated, it made them smarter agents. She was getting a few stitches in the Avengers infirmary when the director stomped in glaring at her. She stared back. "Yes?"

"Who's the father?"

"The Winter Soldier." He nearly flinched. "I've informed him of this and he's finding any others they may have made." On his bed up the row Clint winced. She looked at him. "It would not be unheard of for there to be twins so they could have both uses for the children." She looked at the director again. "It is none of your concern as I am not taking maternity leave. The baby has a suitable caregiver that I will support. As we know, women like me are not maternal." She stared at him. "The others are welcome to become uncles as they wish. So far they've done wonderfully with him."

"I don't like this," Fury said.

"Then go back in time and prevent them from creating him." She stood up, staring at him. "The child is born, I am not going to harm him for coming into being. Some day I may want to uncover some maternal impulses. I may not. I do know that he is safe and if you come near my son again you will not be as safe." She walked around him. "Have a good day, Director."

Clint hid his grin. Natasha was in a holy bitch mood and it was always a pretty sight to behold as long as you weren't on the other end of it. The director glared at him. "Not like he's mine. I'd claim him, I like the little guy, but I'm only a spoiling uncle sort. I'm going to teach him weapons with his mom." Fury glared harder before stomping off. Clint waved at his back with an evil smirk. "We really need to tell some people so he's protected," he decided, finishing the cleaning up so he could go upstairs and talk to her. She was in the nursery, staring at the baby, who was patting one of her cuts. "We need more protective, silent uncles and aunts."

"Making him more public knowledge would mean others would want him to train or to get back at us," she said quietly. "That I will not have."

He nodded. "What about someone like Criste?"

She looked at him. "He would steal the baby as his own. You know he still has that fantasy of taming me."

"I know. We can make him protective of the baby. Because some day he may want to follow you or his father into the job, or into the spandex."

She let out a tiny smile. "I doubt I'll want him in SHIELD."

"Me either but there's other groups."

"Perhaps. I'd rather he be a regular man."

"Stark's going to help teach him science, Nat, and you're a genius yourself. We've got to expect he's going to be at least really smart." She nodded, smiling more at the baby. "But they might try to get him back."

"His father is working on that."

"Our people might want him," he said quietly.

She looked at him. "True. I was hoping to hide him better."

"Short of sending him into protective hiding, I doubt that'll happen." He moved closer, tickling the baby's belly to make him laugh again. He looked at her. "We need plans and you do that best."

"I have been." He nodded. "If I need help, I know you will."

"Of course. Always." He touched her shoulder. "All you have to do is ask." He picked up the baby. "Let's change you, little guy. You're obviously wet again. You pee more than a whole group of SEALs in a pool." She laughed but helped him change the baby. He never tried to pee on her when she changed him but he liked to pee on Clint a lot. "Aww, does that mean you'll like boys?"

"If so, I will not be upset," she said. "Perhaps they will be sane." She put him back down, letting him gnaw on her hand until he fell asleep. Then she gently pulled away and went to her rooms. He went to his own. Clint was right, they had to make plans. Fury would only see the baby as a future asset.

***

Stark woke up a few mornings later, stumbling on his way to the kitchen for caffeine, but paused to look at the nanny, who was deeply asleep, and the baby, who was cooing at the screensaver on the tv. He smiled and took a picture. "Why are you up?" he asked quietly, which made the nanny flinch awake. "He wouldn't sleep?"

"Not for more than a few minutes. I'm not sure why but he calmed down at the screensaver instead of cartoons." She looked at the baby then down his back. "I'm amazed, I don't have to change you yet. It's been four hours, kiddo." She stood up. "Let me get him a bath."

"You can both watch tv if you want," Stark said. "It's not a problem."

She smiled. "He doesn't like tv. He likes colors. Eye burning colors." Stark smiled, heading for coffee. She took the baby to his bedroom, then came back out. "Mr. Stark, there's a device on his crib."

He ran in there to look, getting Natasha up with the help of his AI. She stomped in looking displeased. He finished getting it disarmed and let her take it. He held up the gas canister. "Let me see what this is."

"If you find fingerprints, let me know," she said quietly. "I wish to have a talk with someone."

"Gladly. I think you'd have help." He walked off with the device and the canister. "Search the rest of the room for her. They were watching tv because he wouldn't sleep."

Natasha raised an eyebrow then nodded once. "Interesting to note." She searched the rest of the room, killing two mice. She knew they weren't native mice, there weren't any in the tower. Their remains got bagged up to check them for various diseases. The bathroom was mostly clear but the shower had an extra part on the shower head. If you didn't know what it looked like, the little tube from the pipe to the shower head wouldn't have looked out of place. Since she did, she grabbed some tools and carefully removed it with Clint's help since he was now up and pissed off. He did another search of the room after her while she brought that canister down to the lab. "On the shower head."

He took it to look at then scraped a sample out to test. "Probably dissolves in water," he decided. "The mice?"

"Dead. I know they're not native."

"No, we don't have lab rat mice in here and those aren't New York rats." They shared a look. She walked off to see who had bought the mice. That social worker was not very subtle as she found out. Especially when she showed up with a 'report' that there were vermin in the tower. Natasha kindly asked the officers for a different social worker, holding up the video of that one buying mice, and a picture from the security tape showing her releasing them into the tower from the maintenance shaft. Which ran right up the outside next to the baby's room. Stark came down to sneer at her.

The officers called in for advice from their higher ups, who sent another social worker. By then, Steve had heard, come back from his run, and was livid. The officers backed off because you didn't get in Captain America's face about stupid things, or important things, or anything really. The social worker wasn't that wise and her ranting fits were nicely recorded. Stark told her that when she was done. Her indignation was blown aside and the new social worker got to hear that. She nicely took the officers with her to check the baby, the baby's room, and the living areas.

She found no problems and came down to ask politely about why the shower head was disabled. So Stark told her. She nodded and took the former social worker with her back to the office to make a formal complaint, including that they had evidence of her providing those mice to the building. The head of the department wasn't happy because she had to get off the phone while talking to the governor as they walked into her office. Someone was in trouble. A lot of trouble. Couldn't happen to a nicer woman since she had made up evidence.

***

Six days later, Natasha was having a slight book shopping trip, staring at the young children's book section. She hated all of them. They were... they had no substance beyond some rhyming or easy stories. "How do parents read those constantly?" she mumbled, frowning slightly. She decided Alex needed more classical stories. Fairy tales weren't ideal but were easy to find. They would do for now. Her phone rang and she looked at it as she headed for the register. There was a line. That was not going to be okay today. She looked around.

One of the cashiers stared back then waved her forward. A few grumbled until they noticed who she was. "Thank you," she said quietly. He rang her up quickly and let her leave within a minute. She went to SHIELD instead of to the tower. Clint would have a backpack. He could hold the books for now. Or Stark perhaps if he was there. Then she decided to make the cab driver deliver them and tossed him extra money. "The books go to Avengers tower."

He nodded quickly so she got out. Clint wasn't in sight but she expected that. Stark was flying in so she put in her earpiece. "Stark, what happened?" she demanded as she walked. The gate guards tried to get in her way but they were easily knocked out. She listened to the report. "That will not happen. Make sure they do not leave with him." She listened, Hawkeye gave a report on where the baby was right that moment. He was being loaded into a quin jet that was aimed toward England. He said he couldn't stop it without hurting the baby. It was on the other side of the landing field.

She made a call. "They are taking our son to England," she said simply. Then she hung up and went to see if she could find the idiots. "Hawkeye, that lab is annoying me." Stark promised he was getting everything they had. Clint was sabotaging the quin jet for her. It took off but not without him having put a remote control device on it. She gassed another agent who came running at her and beat two more. "I'm not pleased," she told an agent backing away from her. "The Director will know why. You can quote me." She went in to destroy everyone who had harmed her son. That lab was hers once Stark was done saving things down. Clint came down to get her phone and called the last called number to tell them where the jet was going. The male on the other end promised to make sure he was fine and bring him home.

When they were done with the lab, they walked out together. Steve was waiting on them. "Captain?" Clint said.

"He okay?"

"On his way to England. I'm debating how much of that country I'm going to destroy," Natasha said.

Clint grinned. "Got your back there too, Nat."

"Good. We will have fun." She looked at Steve again.

"I'm not against that. They kidnaped a child. They deserve to be tortured for that. No matter who did it," he said, looking over her shoulder at Hill and Fury stomping out.

Natasha looked back and shot them both in the leg. "I will finish with you later, once my son is home. How good of shape he is in will decide my levels of mercy." She shot the other agents trying to surround them. "No, I do not believe this will work."

"The Avengers don't work for SHIELD," Steve announced. "Not with them kidnaping a child."

Clint shook his head. "I have a great amount of money in my retirement fund," he quipped. "I'm sure I can live comfortably on it for ages."

Stark landed and sent out little devices that knocked everyone around them down and mostly out. "I have a great investment guy," he assured them. "I'm sure he could make you great interest too, Barton." He looked at them. "The baby?"

"Being retrieved," Natasha said simply. "Though I will be destroying that lab as soon as he is home." She walked off. The men followed. Natasha called something and put in a code. "The things you find lying around the office on new code day," she said dryly. Then she set off the self destruct for the armory. "Pity they tried my son."

Steve grinned. "You're a good mom, Natasha. Even though you're not maternal or the model mom I'm used to, you've done a great job with him so far." She smiled slightly but tipped her head in thanks. Behind them, agents were rushing to handle the damage that had been done. It did not do to hurt those she protected. Some day someone would learn that. Hopefully soon.

***

Clint looked over as someone came in off the fire escape. "She's in her room. Let me call her," he said, calling down to Natasha's suite. "He's here." He took the baby, who squealed at him. "Hey, Alex. You're okay?" he asked the guy standing there.

"A few shot marks. I let a doc there start some checking bloodwork," he admitted. "He called and said he's fine, they were probably taking blood instead of adding things." She came off the elevator. "He's okay."

"Thank you," she said quietly. He nodded once. She sat down to take the baby from Clint, getting a squeal as well. "It's good you're happy, son. Did your father have problems with you?"

"No," he admitted. "He was very quiet and stared at me, but he seemed to laugh a few times. I have no idea why." He shook his head quickly. She looked at him. "I'm not used to babies."

She smiled. "Neither am I." Wilhelmina came up from the infirmary. She had a few stitched cuts on her face and an egg on her temple. "Wilhelmina, this is his father. This is the nanny," she told the father.

He nodded at her. "He's loud."

"Happy babies are loud. They learn stealth when they're a toddler. Then if they're quiet, they're getting into trouble." She smiled, looking at the baby, who stared at her. "Are you all right? Should I call Dr. Banner?"

"I had someone check, he's fine," the father said. The elevator was moving so he fled.

"Come back when you want," Natasha called after him. "Thank you." He saluted her with a smirk before disappearing down the fire escape. She looked at the baby. "You will grow up less hurt than he is," she said in Russian. "And a bit more normal than either of us."

Clint pinched her on the arm then took the baby back. "We'll make sure you grow up to have fun things and serious things, but you know the difference."

"So he does not make jokes while being a sniper?" Natasha asked with a tiny smirk. Stark came off the elevator with Steve.

"Exactly. Drove Coulson nuts for years." He looked at the baby again. "You probably need changed."

"I do not know," Natasha said. "He didn't feel squishy."

Wilhelmina took the baby to check down his diaper. "Nope, not wet or dirty. Good job, Alex. You managed a few hours without getting messy." He cooed at her, grinning at her cuddling. "Your mother got you some books. We'll read. Unless you want to, Natasha?"

She shook her head. "I'm tense. He would not relax with me reading to him. I did get books that were more substantial than the stupid seeming children's books."

"That's fine. There's a time for both." She smiled, letting Steve and Stark take him to coo over him. Bruce came up from the infirmary to check him over. The baby loved Bruce. He peed for him and squealed repeatedly while Bruce was holding him.

"I like you too, Alex," he promised with a smile. "Natasha, next time, ask me to come beat things up for you too please."

"I shall."

"Thanks." He looked at him. "You need changed."

"They do that," Wilhelmina quipped, taking the baby back to do that for him and settling in to read to him in the living room. It relaxed everyone to have him safely cooing at the books.

***

Stark came off the elevator when his AI had announced agents stomping in. "What are you doing here?" he asked, staying pleasant.

"We have a warrant to arrest a few of you, Mr. Stark. There was apparently an attack on an agency," the agent in the lead said.

Stark stared at him. "First, you can't prove I was there." He stared at him. "Secondly, I doubt that agency is going to press charges because all their dirty laundry is going to come out *very* quickly. Including that they had kidnaped a child to experiment on and that's why they went in to rescue them."

"Doesn't matter," he said.

"It does to others." He stared at him. "That warrant's not valid and I can assure you it's not valid." He typed into his tablet, calling someone. "I need a face-to-face." He held up the tablet. "They think they want to arrest people for getting their child back."

"Hell no," the woman on the screen said. "Give me a minute, Mr. Stark." A minute later the US President was on the line.

"What the hell?" he demanded. The agents all saluted. "At ease, gentlemen, and explain yourselves. I've already told Fury I would've destroyed more than they did for that bullshit." The agents all flinched at the swearing. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Sir, we have a valid warrant," the agent in the lead said, holding it up.

The President shook his head. "No you don't, son. Nick Fury is not going to do this. It's an escalating war that we as a country won't win. Do you really want to see what happens when you arrest Captain America for helping a woman get her kidnaped child back?"

"It was against the law, sir, and there was an attack."

"So? If it was my kid, or your kid, the attack would've been much worse," the president assured him. "I'm really pleased no one died. Just a lot of injuries. The assassins who went in are really good apparently." He stared at him. "There's no warrant. No matter who says what, there's no warrant. The investigation was closed the minute they found out why. The panel said so. The higher ups over SHIELD said so and mocked him for being so stupid. Even Agent Hill nearly got canned and killed for doing that, Agent Stymers. There's no investigation, no warrant, and will be no arrests. Am I clear?"

"Perfectly, sir, but we are worried about the precedent."

"If someone takes your kids to experiment on, we'd go rescue them too," Stark said bluntly. "No matter who had them. I doubt that little six-month-old baby needs to be exposed to anything like a super soldier formula." He pulled up a picture of the baby playing with Bruce's hair beside the tab with the President on it. "The other paranoid group will probably try something but yay them," he said dryly.

"He's cute," the President said. "How old?"

"Six months," Tony said. "Just starting to babble and thinking about crawling. Still peeing out the fish taint stuff someone in Russia tried to inject him with." He looked at the agents. "You guys have a better day. We know you're doing your jobs and we respect that, and that you came in so quietly, but I'll be damned if any kid's going to be a lab rat."

"I'd hope they never do too," the President said. "If you find more, warn me first, Stark." He hung up.

Tony put his tablet down. "Have a better day, guys. It sucks to be in the middle." They left. Tony went back upstairs. He arrived in time to be nearly knocked over by an escaping, naked, peeing little guy. "Wow, you're mobile and still peeing. That's talented, Alex." He called up a cleaning robot. It came up with the new diaper changing one he had created. It scooped the baby up and took him down to his room to change. The cleaning bots got to work on the rugs and floors. Tony went to get some coffee and go down to the lab. JARVIS would tell him if the diaper changing bot was having problems with the baby. Or Wilhelmina would scream about it, something like that.

Bruce walked in with a donut a few minutes later. "Wilhelmina got knocked down and banged her head so I was scanning her. How did he get naked?"

"Don't know," Tony said, pulling up the security footage and rolling it back. "He was partially that way. She was probably going to change him." They watched her stumble and trip into the sidetable then the baby rolled off the couch. He didn't fuss, just figured out how to move once his nanny had been taken down to the infirmary by Clint. The diaper came loose as he moved past the coffee table, scrapping it off that way and then he crawled out of it. "Yup, he'll be a genius," Tony decided, sending that footage to Natasha's phone. Bruce was shaking his head but finishing his snack. "The nanny okay?"

"She's fine. Still has a minor concussion from the last one. They're doing sedate things for the next day or so." He went to his own lab, nicely created and fixed for him by Tony. It was a good place to hide from peeing babies. Tony pulled up the footage of how the diaper changing robot had worked. It had nicely hosed down the baby's butt for him, which had thrilled him, he had squealed really loudly, and then wiped him down and put on the new diaper. So apparently it worked well.

***

Natasha watched the diaper changing robot that night, frowning a tiny bit. "Why is it giving him an enema?" she asked out loud.

Wilhelmina sighed as she walked up behind her. "I don't think it's that in-depth, but he really likes being sprayed with water there." She walked in and the robot handed the naked baby over. "It's time for a real bath, Alex." He fussed. "Tough, you need a real bath, not just a bath for your balls, young man." She took him into his bathroom. The diaper changing robot followed to help by rinsing off any soap when she was done scrubbing. It was a handy, warped thing Tony Stark had created.

Natasha was shaking her head as she walked so she ran into Clint's chest. "My son may be gay."

He nodded. "With the way the robot makes him so happy when his balls get washed that way? Possibly. Send his dad film of it?" he suggested with a grin.

She shook her head. "He will probably complain." Clint downloaded it onto her phone and sent it for her. "He'll want to thump you for that."

"So?" He grinned. "I can get away from him. I have in the past." He walked off happier. His 'nephew' was absolutely an adorable little shit who was a tiny bit weird. He adored the kid. Even with his current low speed crawling after the diaper changing robot because it had his blanket. He looked so serious. Clint filmed it for both parents, sending it to them both on his way to his room.

***

Somewhere in Greece, a phone rang and the man it belonged to looked at it, frowning at the video that came in. "They're making him gay. Sure." Another video came in and that one was cuter but still... His son had potential. He already knew that robots were weird and sometimes mean. He shook his head and got back to his drinking so he could rest.

Poor Natasha.

***

Alex was staring at everyone over breakfast a few days later, then he'd grin when they stared back. They were amused at this baby ESP game. "Mamamamama?" he asked Clint.

Clint leaned over to hug him. "Sure, you can call me mom for now, little guy. I don't mind." The baby slobbered on him and patted him hard. "We like you too, Alex. Want some mangoes?" He handed over a few of his slices.

The baby gummed on one until it dissolved, making him happy. "Mamamamama?" he asked Steve, who smiled and let him have a piece of his fried egg. That made him happy too.

"Is this like teaching him to beg?" Bruce asked. Tony nodded. So did Natasha. "Okay, just making sure. Stark, do not feed the baby honey. He's too young until he's at least a year old. Honey can have biological contaminants," he said at Clint's odd look. "It can make him sick."

"Sure, I get that," he agreed. Stark handed over a piece of his toast that only had bananas smooshed on it. The baby squealed happily at that and sucked on it until it was soft enough to swallow. He choked a bit but Steve patted him on the back so it was okay. He looked at his mom, who handed over some of her pastry without him having to ask. He beamed at her and sucked on it.

"I take it he's old enough for solid food?" Steve asked, surrendering more of his eggs. Everyone nodded. "Don't they start out with cereal?"

"You'd have to expect Nat's kid would be exceptional," Clint quipped. Natasha swatted him on the arm. The baby did the same with a grin. "Good job. You can hit like Mommy does, Alex. That's a really good start at being a tough guy."

Wilhelmina into the kitchen. "You should have woken me, I would've fed him."

"He's been begging like a puppy," Steve said with a smile for her.

She sighed, looking at the messy baby. "I can tell. Okay, let me make you some oatmeal, Alex. You like oatmeal." He made mouth-farty noises and cackled, digging into his treats. She looked at him. "Politeness, young man. No spitting at me or I won't let that diaper changing robot have you later. I'll make you go to the park instead." The baby stared at her, eyes wide. She smiled. "Oatmeal." She held up the box. He pouted but let her feed him.

"Bruce, what are you working on today?" Tony asked.

"The same thing as usual. You?"

"New arc reactor core." He looked at the others. "Beyond working out, are you guys doing anything?" They shook their heads. "Have fun playing then, guys." He got up with his coffee and went to his lab after a pause to flirt with Pepper.

Bruce shook his head. "Have fun, you three." He went down to his lab, smiling. The baby was adorably messy and he was *so* glad he didn't have to clean him up.

"We can go to the park later," Natasha promised.

"Pending another attack or a disaster," Clint quipped. He finished his cup of coffee and got himself more, adding some more tea to Natasha's mug for her. She nodded her head in thanks. By the time they had all bundled up and headed out to the park it was nearly lunchtime but the baby didn't mind. It gave him more people to stare at. They settled near a shady bench and let the baby crawl on the grass after making sure there wasn't anything like broken glass or needles hiding in it. Clint spotted the trouble first, nudging Steve. Steve looked and shook his head with a sigh. Natasha looked over and looked at the nanny, who just smiled and pulled Alex closer to check his diaper. "Gentlemen," Clint greeted when the two agents stopped by them. "Problems?"

"Many of us don't like the precedent that set, no matter which higher ups have stopped things," one said.

"We retired the same day thanks to them kidnaping the baby," Clint said, staring at him. "If he was mine, I'd have destroyed more of them."

The secondary agent stared at the baby then at Natasha, who stared back. "He is?"

"Someone overseas decided I needed to be more maternal. They made it so. I'm not about to let others experiment now that he's safe. If you have problems with me getting my child back, I'm sorry. I do not care, but I'm sorry for you."

Alex scowled. "Baba!" he shouted. "Bababababa!" He crawled over to one of the agents and swatted him. "Baba!" He glared up at him. "Babababa!"

The agent looked down at him. "I'm not being bad. I'm making a point, little guy. Relax. I'd never hurt you."

"Unlike our former director, that's nice to hear," Clint said dryly. "C'mere, little guy." Alex swatted the guy again. "Quit beating the agent. He's right, we were really mean so they didn't try it again." He stared at him. "Because next time, I'll start the destruction and I nearly brought it down before." They shuddered. "You don't touch a kid. They're not lab rats. But we understand that it makes some agents uncomfortable."

"Thank you," he said. "I hope he's a healthy, happy baby and kid." They walked off.

Clint pulled Alex over to look at him. "Next time the city's invaded, we'll let them handle it." The baby stared at him. "We can."

"We can't," Steve sighed. He took the baby, kissing him on the cheek, making him grin. "You're very protective of Wilhelmina. We like that about you." The baby kicked and squealed a tiny bit. "Let her change you." He handed him over. They could all hear him peeing in his diaper. Pretty soon it would overflow. Wilhelmina took him a ways off to change him so his pee could do a good thing for the tree. That made him a happy boy. When he was done she cleaned him up and got him into a clean diaper. The old one got thrown out while the parent and uncles watched him for a minute.

Natasha looked at her happy son. "It's good you like to pee, son. You do much of it and it's good for you." She patted him on the head, letting him grab her hand to gum on. "Are you teething? I read about that."

"Yes, he is," Wilhelmina quipped as she sat back down. "Aren't you glad you're not breastfeeding him?"

"They do that at this age?" Natasha asked.

She nodded. "They should get milk for the first year. Though some mothers don't know when to quit and are still nursing their kids in preschool and older. One admitted she was still nursing her six-year-old."

Clint shook his head. "I can't imagine any kid but Stark's liking breasts at that age." Steve burst out laughing, shaking his head. "Most boys think girls are icky at that age, Cap."

"I did too," he agreed, smiling at the baby. "I wonder if he'll go through a mud stage."

"I haven't met a child who didn't," Wilhelmina said, staring at the gumming baby. She pulled out a rattle, giving it to him so his mother could have her hand back. "Gum on that, Alex." He did and it made noise too. He liked that thing and tried to beat his mom with it.

"Chew on it, not beat me with it," she ordered patiently. He crawled off to beat Steve with it, but he didn't seem to mind. Steve only cuddled the baby. Natasha looked at Wilhelmina. "Should we pick up baby food?"

"I make his. We have a food processor and vegetables."

"Does he like vegetables?" Steve asked.

"If you teach him to like them, yes." She smiled. "He'll never get fast food until he's at least 3 if I have my way."

"Too late, he was gumming on Tony's Pad Thai last night," Clint said.

"That's at least close to real food and nothing like a chicken nugget." The baby was back to babbling at the tree because it was moving in the breeze.

Steve suddenly stood up. "Let's go." They packed up and left together, Steve carrying the baby.

Natasha glanced back subtly and nodded. Agent Hill. Charming. She took the rattle when the baby dropped it, making him fuss. "You can have it once we clean it off at home, son. We're out of diapers for you and you'll need one soon." The baby still fussed but they made it back to the tower a few blocks away easily enough. She did clean off the rattle and give it back to him. Wilhelmina changed it for a teething ring that was silent. He pouted but he liked to gum on it. She and the baby went to the safe room Stark had designated for them. It had a link to the security cameras.

Natasha was on the couch while Clint was in the kitchen when Agent Hill came off the elevator. "We need to talk," Agent Hill said.

Natasha looked at her. "I believe I said all I need to say when I retrieved my son." She stared at her. "I have been talked into mercy but nothing beyond that."

Steve stared at her from his seat. "I don't think that anything except an apology is going keep us all from being mad," he said calmly.

"The director thought the child would be in danger here."

"So he sent him to a lab?" Natasha said dryly, staring at her. "I believe that was the end of my mercy." Hill stepped back. "Go. Away. Before I rival Dr. Banner's anger issues. I may not be maternal but I will never allow a child to be raised as I was." She stood up. "I believe you should relate that to him while he finishes healing before I lose my considerable temper." She stared the other agent down. "Have a good day, Agent Hill." She walked into the kitchen.

Clint leaned out with a grin. "By the way, we heard about our handler. We'd like him back as soon as possible. We *might* be willing to work with him again since we can't and won't trust you, Agent Hill. Too many attempted skeletons. Including a tiny one." He gave her a pointed look then went back to fixing sandwiches. "Hey, Steve, want eggs or ham?"

"Either's fine, Clint. Thank you," he said. He looked at her. "If you think any of us would allow you or the director to harm that baby, you're nuts. Though I hear they have medication for that these days, I don't think it's a topic that should come up in polite company." He got up and went into the kitchen. Agent Hill left. He looked at them. "If you two need to take off to protect him, we'll cover," he said quietly. "I'll hurt anyone who hurts that little guy. He grows on you."

"He does," Clint agreed, grinning at him. "If we have to run and hide from SHIELD, there's ways around that."

Stark came up reading on his tablet. He handed it to Natasha. "Finally tracked him. He's there in medical care."

She read it then looked at him. "Thank you."

"I knew Fury was a mind fucking bastard back before he sent you to treat me like a little kid, Romanoff. Him doing this to Coulson, who isn't much nicer but still a better human being, sucks just as large to me as him doing it to your kid." He grinned a tiny bit. "I hate mind fucking unless I'm the one doing it."

"If you turn telepathic, we're putting you out of Pepper's misery," Clint said dryly.

"She'd probably appreciate that." He walked off to go back to the lab.

She shared it with Clint, who nodded at the transfer orders. They were moving Coulson because someone was tracking them. They could fix that issue.

***

Natasha walked into the infirmary with the baby once they got back from the new rescue. "This is Uncle Phil, Alex," she said quietly, sitting beside the bed. "He has a booboo but he'll get better soon." Alex stared up at her and grinned. She smiled back. He looked at the guy on the bed. His nanny had been in that bed a few times because she had head booboos. He wiggled. "No, you cannot crawl on him yet. Wait until he's better." The baby started to sniffle so she sighed and let him sit on Phil's side. He crawled up to hug Phil on the head. "His booboo's here," she said with a point. "But that's a very nice hug, Alex."

The man on the bed blinked hard then focused on her then on the thing attached to his head. "Who are you?" he asked quietly. "And are you dead too?"

"You are not and he'll only be dead once he's dating unsuitable people as a teenager," she said dryly. "This is Alex. Someone in Russia kindly made myself and the Winter Soldier a son." Phil was blinking hard so she moved the baby. "There, hug him better, Alex." She smiled when he did that and slobbered on him.

Phil drifted back off but he looked confused. It was nice to see.

Clint came in and perched himself on the foot of the bed, patting his lap. Alex crawled over to cuddle him. "Good little guy. We'll make Phil feel better together." He let Alex stare at the man on the bed, telling him about his new uncle. He'd like Phil a lot. Phil had patience, even with them. He'd have plenty to help them make the baby a sane little guy when he got older.

***

Coulson woke up again, blinking hard at the man sitting beside his bed tapping at a game on his tablet. "Stark?"

He looked up. "We rescued you. Of course, we thought you were dead for over a month. Want some water? I'm on bedside detail while Banner's getting something to eat."

"Please." Tony let him drink out of a bottle of water he grabbed from the fridge. "Thank you."

"Welcome. Someone's got to counteract the insanity we'll be teaching the little kid." He grinned. "Have you met Alex yet?"

"I think I saw him earlier. He was curled up around my head."

"He's really good at giving slobbery hugs. Oh, fair warning, he pees a lot more than normal." He stood up when he heard someone. "Hey, Steve."

"Hey." He nodded and Tony left. Steve smiled at him. "Welcome back."

"Was I dead?"

"We have no idea. The files are now missing, even from where Stark or Natasha can search. We thought you were. Fury told us you were."

Phil nodded once. He was starting to drift off again. "It was probably tactical."

"Probably." He leaned on the bed. "You've got at least a few more weeks in that bed but we'll try to keep you from being bored."

"How did the baby come into being?"

"Russians."

"Wonderful," he sighed. "Is he safe?"

"We made a mess getting him back. They may have decided it's a bad idea." Phil was blinking hard again. "Hey, now I can say I watched you sleep," he teased with a grin.

Phil smiled weakly. "It's a relaxing pastime at times." Steve laughed and sat down. "I'm good."

"So? You're still going to be guarded until we're sure there's not going to be anyone being all huffy and cranky to get you back. Clint volunteered but then Alex threw up on him. It was really gross." Phil nodded, drifting back off again. Steve took the bottle of water to recap and put on the coaster beside the bed. Bruce came in a while later. "He had some water, we talked a bit."

"That's good news." He came over to check him over. "He looks like he'll be fine but I've got a call in to a friend of mine about his injury. We'll make sure he'll be fine, Steve." Steve nodded. "Go play with the baby."

"He's puking on Clint again. I'm trying to avoid that fate."

"Babies puke like cats puke, all the time for no reason." Steve grinned. "Go get Stark out of the lab to eat. He could use a good meal." Steve nodded, going to do that. Bruce sat down to eat and look over the current health issues everyone had. The baby's included. He was a cute kid and very sweet, but really strange too.

***

"Booooooooo!" Alex squealed, crawling after him in the living room on the way to the elevators.

Bruce stopped to look at him. "Did you just call for me?" The baby beamed and patted his leg so he picked him up. "I like you too, Alex."

"Boo boo." He hugged him, grinning at him.

Bruce smiled back. "C'mon, you can help me in the lab. I'm not playing with chemicals." He took him down there to look at things. The baby chattered and cooed at everything.

Phil Coulson was aware enough to wake up and stare at the babbling little boy. "You are very loud, Alex. Some day I'll have to teach you stealth. I had to teach your Uncle Clint so I'm sure you'll be easier."

Bruce laughed. "A toddler with stealth is a scary thing, Agent Coulson. We were told if they got too quiet it was a sign they were being bad." He looked at the baby. "You won't do that, will you?" The baby grinned at him because he was smiling. "That's a good boy. Here, meet Uncle Phil." He handed him over to him.

Phil smiled weakly at the baby. "Hi, Alex." The baby grinned and patted his hand. "You're something I thought I'd never see."

"He's got a nanny but she's got a health check today to make sure she's healed from the concussion."

"Concussion?"

"Your director decided he wanted a lab experiment," he said, pointing at the baby. "I was really pissed off that they didn't invite me to help get him back."

Phil nodded. "Did they leave anything standing?"

"Unfortunately."

"They were merciful." He looked at the baby again, letting the baby pat him. "Not there please, Alex. That's a sore spot."

"Alex, that's his booboo, don't pet it," Bruce said. "Like Wilhelmina's face." Alex looked at him then frowned at the spot. He tried to pat it but Phil covered it with his hand first. Alex huffed but cuddled him. Phil smiled, patting him on the back. "He's usually a very good boy, Agent Coulson. Though he does love to pee a lot." He sighed as he picked the baby up and took him to change. Coulson had gotten a new sheet by the time he got back. "He's playing with his diaper changing robot. He loves it because it squirts water on him."

"Kids do seem to like water. Clint ran through."

"He's probably hiding from Stark. Apparently there was a color dye incident in his lab last night." He smiled. Natasha strolled in with the baby. "He done with the robot already?"

"I made the robot go sit in the corner for trying to strip him down when he didn't need changed. My son is much too fond of the water squirting on his hind end." She sat down beside the bed, letting Alex sit in her lap. "No, sit with me, son." Alex pouted at her. "Uncle Phil's in too much pain to hold you right now."

"He seems sweet, Natasha."

"He tries very hard. Especially when he's just peed on you," she said, looking at her son. "Thank you for not taking that as a hint, son." Alex just grinned at her. She sighed. "Robot!" It zoomed in so she handed him over. "Change him down here." It had diapers and everything it'd need on board. "He crapped again." The robot moved to a free table and got to work cleaning up the giggling boy. She looked at Phil, who was smiling at the happy baby noises thanks to being sprayed. "We're not sure if he'll like girlfriends or not when he's older," she admitted, even though she was smiling.

"You never know," Phil agreed. He looked at her. "Are you all right? Is Clint all right? He won't tell me."

"He's better. He's still handling the mind control aftermath." Phil nodded once. "We all survived the battle for New York." Her son let out an awesome squeal. She looked over. "What are you doing?" she demanded, standing up.

"I think Stark built a suction hose in case he starts to pee while being changed," Bruce said, staring at it. "Pepper needs to fix his mind again."

She nodded. "Yes, she does. Robot, go show Pepper how nicely you cleaned him." The robot took the still squealing baby with him, leaving a trail of water from his squirt tube behind. Cleaning robots showed up to clean up the water mess the first had left. She sat down, looking at Phil. "We're at Stark's tower."

"That explains the cleaning bots." He nodded once then shook his head slowly. "Am I going to get better?"

"The cardiac surgeon I had come in to look you over said you're getting better," Bruce said. "He also said he didn't know what they had done for you but whoever had done fantastic work. You'll have some physical therapy to regain strength but that's about normal. He'll be here tomorrow and we'll wake you up for it, Agent Coulson."

"Call me Phil, Doctor Banner."

"Bruce." He smiled. "Once he okays it, I'll have you moved up to the main infirmary. We've now got two docs and three nurses up there that're human."

Clint leaned in. "Stark said it was really mean of you to take his robot's fun away and Pepper's about swatted him into being a good boy again. Can you make her less mean?"

"The robot has a suction tube for when he pees during diaper changes," Natasha said.

"So Stark had a penis pump he attached to the robot?" Clint guessed. She nodded. "Huh. Who knew he needed the help. Must be all the happies he's gotten in his life, it wore it out." He strolled off again with a grin since Bruce was laughing.

"Prank war?" Phil guessed.

"Not yet," she said. "Probably soon since neither of us are gainfully employed any longer."

"I'd have quit too," Phil agreed. "When are we expecting them to stomp in here and scowl?"

"They will not be welcome. The AI knows not to let them in. The security team as well. As my son was heading for a lab in England when we got to him, we were not pleased."

"I'm happy you left people living," he said quietly.

"I had a acute case of mercy that day. I left it to his father to find the ones who had made Alex to make sure we don't also have a sister." She smirked a tiny bit. "He was not amused."

"I wouldn't have been amused either," Phil admitted. He smiled at her. "He's adorable." He pointed. Alex was crawling back into the lab. He was fully dressed and clearly rediapered. Natasha picked him up and the baby babbled at her, smiling and happy again. "It's good he's happy."

"He usually is. He's also active and loud most of the time." She had to let the wiggly one down. He pouted at the bed then at her. "I'm not putting you on him. You're too active for him right now. He can hold you when he's in the regular infirmary."

"I can keep him from hurting me and he'll wail if you don't," Phil told her. He was already sniffling in pity. The last thing he or Bruce needed was a wailing child. She shrugged and put the baby on the foot of the bed. Alex crawled up him to sit on his stomach and stare at him. "Hi, Alex." The baby grinned at him. Phil patted him on the leg. The baby flopped over with a giggle and cuddled him. Phil shifted him some but the baby didn't seem to mind. He even fell asleep on him. "Maybe I'm infected with magic."

"Or he wore himself out," Clint said, coming in with a small bowl of baby food. He handed it to Natasha before hopping up onto the foot of the bed. "He'll wake up in about ten minutes. He never sleeps very long. Usually he'll wake up after a few growls and purrs."

"He ...growls and purrs?"

"In his sleep." Clint smiled at the baby, who was now purring and kneading. "See?"

Phil watched. The baby was purring and kneading his side then he growled and woke up suddenly. "Nightmares?"

"Not sure," Natasha said. "Sit on your Uncle Clint and I'll feed you," she said, holding up the spoon. Clint patted his lap. The baby crawled over to hug him, yawning on the way. Natasha fed him until he fell asleep. "I love that power of his." Clint grinned. Wilhelmina walked in scowling. "Did you hear about the robot?"

"Yes," she snorted. She rolled her eyes. "He's a man so therefore he thinks his dick is the most important part of his life. They all do."

"Hey," Clint complained, staring at her.

She stared at him. "I'm sure you think with yours too now and then, Clint." She took the baby and the empty baby food bowl. "I've got him now. I passed and I left Miss Potts with the clearance letter." She walked off with the baby.

"The nanny," Natasha said.

"She seems pleasant," Phil agreed.

"PhD, former Navy," Clint said. "He adores her."

"That's always a positive thing," he agreed. He yawned. They smiled and let him drift off again. When he woke up it was to a fussy sounding little kid beside the bed. He looked down at him. "What's wrong, Alex?"

"Bobo," he said, staring at him. "No."

"I still have booboos. I can't bend over to pick you up."

Wilhelmina walked in and picked the baby up to put him onto the bed. She stared at him then nodded once. She glowed and he blacked out but when he woke up, he still had the baby on his stomach, he was cuddling and napping on him, and his chest hurt a lot less. Interesting. He looked down. "Are you okay?" The baby snored. "That is adorable, Alex," he said quietly, smoothing down his hair. It had some static cling.

Steve walked in, shaking his head and taking the baby carefully so he wouldn't wake him. "We've seen her do it before but we have no idea why. She's not evil and the baby seems to adore her. All we know is that she's not harmful." He looked at the baby then at the man on the bed. "Need anything?"

"I'm actually okay. He's a very sweet baby."

"Just wait until he starts to walk, Agent Coulson." He smiled before walking out. Alex fussed and almost woke up when he got near the nursery so he put him onto the couch and let him nap next to him while he read. They'd figure out why he didn't want to go down later. It seemed like the baby had some sort of empathic gift. When he woke up he flopped off the couch. "Hey, Alex, where are you going?" he asked quietly. The baby ignored him and crawled off, almost humming. He paused in the hallway that led to all their rooms then crawled on, going to Clint's door. Which the AI opened for him. JARVIS loved the baby and let him have his way more often than he let Tony Stark have his. Alex crawled into Clint's room, waking him up, but the baby just smiled at him and managed to almost climb in with him. He huffed and pouted at the big person uncle.

Clint picked him up to look at. "Why did you wake me up?" he asked.

"He was napping on the couch beside me, woke up, and came right for you," Steve said from the doorway. "He wouldn't go into his room. I'll go check it while you two talk or whatever?"

"Sure, Cap. Thanks." He waited until he was gone to stare at the baby. "You have to be a bit less obvious, kiddo. People will hear and make you miserable if you have a real psychic gift." The baby grinned at him, gumming on his thumb. "What?" The baby leaned down to cuddle onto his chest, huffing a happy noise. "Fine, you can nap with me but no peeing on the bed. Okay? I don't have any clean sheets right now and we'll both end up on the couch." The baby cooed at that. "What?" The baby stared at him. "I don't have mental gifts like you do." The baby wiggled until he rolled off the bed. Clint caught him before he could fall onto the floor. "Sure, we'll go nap in the living room with Uncle Steve." He walked out with him, checking his diaper as a matter of habit. "Anything?" he asked him.

"Not that I can tell. JARVIS, is something wrong with the baby's room?" he asked.

"Or mine?"

"I'm not certain what he's sensing," the AI said quietly. "Most parameters seem normal but the ones that are slightly elevated shouldn't matter. The heat's a bit high. The humidity sensor is reading higher than normal this time of year. I'm not sensing any devices or gases out of the ordinary."

"Okay, so he just wanted to cuddle," Clint decided. They curled up on the couch and Clint turned on the music channel on mute, which let the 'screensaver' picture show up. The baby liked that and snuggled against his side to nap. "Sure," Clint said. Steve shrugged and picked up his book to read. "I've got him if you want to go to bed."

"I don't sleep that much," he admitted. "I've already had my five tonight." Clint nodded. "Nap, Clint. I'm sure he'll be happy again tomorrow."

"Probably. It's a good thing most of the time." Steve smiled. The baby was snoring so that was fine.

In Clint's bedroom a form was fading in. It was not happy that no one was in there. The baby she wanted to talk to wasn't in there. It was supposed to be in there, it had just been in there. She couldn't do more than go home and wait a few more days to try again.

Out in the living room, the tv suddenly interrupted the screensaver to note the being fading into and out of view in Clint's bedroom.

"Save her picture and search her down please, JARVIS," Steve said. He looked at Clint, who shrugged. He didn't know her. "Maybe a relation of Natasha?"

"They died when she was four, Cap."

Natasha came out to stare at the frozen picture. "I have no idea who she is." The guys both nodded. The baby was still snoring so that was good. "Why are we out here?"

"The baby woke me," Clint said, looking up at her. "He wouldn't sleep in his bed for Steve. He woke me up and insisted I come out here to sit with him."

"Interesting. We'll try to get that straightened out before someone hears." She walked off to do the searching herself. She also sent an email to Europe to see if the paternal donor had the files from the lab that had made Alex yet. There was no record of that woman in any system that SHIELD could get into, or she could hack. That raised some very odd questions. Now if only her son was old enough to talk to.

***

Natasha came out for lunch, looking at the cooing baby. He was cooing at Pepper, who had his food. "Stark, did you get any files about him?"

"Not a single thing. The lab that made him, according to what they think at SHIELD's labs, burned down last year." He looked at her. "Why? I've seen video of that ghostly thing showing up."

"That's just one odd thing," she said. She sat down, glancing at the baby then at him. "How did he end up with whatever form of gift he has?"

Stark nodded. "That's a good question. Bruce, you know more about DNA."

"They could've possibly tinkered to create it, but I'm not sure. Or if it'll stay." He looked at the baby then at her. "It's possible it'll ease as he gets older and starts to gain other coping methods."

Natasha nodded but Clint shook his head. "I've seen a few in the circus, mostly that got their 'feelings' after puberty but a few did get it before then. Usually it was in the same bloodline." Natasha shook her head. "What about your grandparents, Nat?" he asked.

"That is a point I had not considered," she admitted. "It's possible or from the father's."

"We think those sort of things are more involved on the father's side but no one's totally certain," Bruce said. "We can't find a gene that says 'you will know things'. Comics beside the point."

Wilhelmina walked in with a laundry basket full of baby clothes. "Miss Potts, I would've done that instead of grabbing his laundry."

"You're letting me postpone a meeting with an old girlfriend I usually want to chew on for her questionable decision making skills," she said with a smile for her. "So, this seeing gift. What do you know about it?"

"By the way, saw the face thing," Clint said, staring at her.

She shrugged. "I'm actually a protection demon." Everyone stared at her. She smiled. "We're related to vengeance demons by having the same boss."

"Does him being who he is have some reason for you to be here?" Natasha asked.

"Yes and no. Yes, I'd be here if it was any baby, because until he's old enough to be able to reasonably hide himself, he's going to need it thanks to what you guys do. A normal person could do it. I'll definitely make sure he at least makes it to six. Which is when someone with a crackhead prophecy will want to sacrifice him." Natasha glared a tiny bit. She shrugged. "He fits two." She walked off and came back with a book from her room, letting Natasha have it. "That's the one when he's six. My job is to make sure he makes it past that with only normal kid injuries if possible."

She read it and passed it on with a sigh. "Cult of Darmon?"

"Yup."

"We destroyed most of them back in the war," Steve said.

Wilhelmina shook her head. "You got *some*. You got the main temple. They had a lot of hidden people. They've since bought the old temple to add to their other one in England, where most of them were hiding." She looked at the two scientists. "They're trying to do with magic what you can do with science." Alex squealed and beamed at her. She patted him on the head. "As for why him? He's...special. Because of someone like that cult, he came into being instead of being from another agent's eggs." Natasha huffed.

"They wanted him specifically and summoned this soul specifically. Mostly because they knew *this* soul could handle it if they got to raise him and didn't sacrifice him. That one knew they needed a new warrior program and *this* soul would be able to restart it. He gave them two others who could be useful for the sacrifice, both girls, both generic, both in Germany at the moment. Another of us is watching over them to try to stop the sacrifice but we can't be that close because they're in the hands of other idiots with plans. They got confiscated when the lab got shut down and adopted out to high ranking officials," Wilhelmina said with a smile. "They know about the sacrifice prophecies but don't believe and are a bit paranoid anyway."

Steve looked at her. "So you're only here to guard him?"

"Yup. I broke a bit of protocol to grant that one single wish but I also got warned if I did it again D'Hoffryn would have my horns for his nutsack scratcher." Stark snorted, shaking his head. The baby was cooing and patting her arm. She grinned at him. "I know, Alex." He giggled and patted her again. She went to full demon face. They all grimaced so she banished it. "Too many wishes, guys. I can only do it when he wants me to and only to wishes. So don't get that injured, okay?" They all nodded. "Thanks." She looked at the baby. "As for why he has foresight? He had it before."

"You knew who he was," Stark said. That made this much more interesting.

"He wasn't from here and yeah, I do." She smiled. "It's supposedly going to fade. The guy was the fount of all things chaos screwing up plans like that but supposedly D'Hoffryn made sure when he realized it because everyone went apeshit on that side."

"Would that relate to the redhead who came to visit him?" Clint asked. Stark pulled up the picture.

"Yup, sure does, and she's not supposed to do that. It'll mean that his old memories won't fade and we'll be stuck with the White Knight of Chaos." She walked off. "Let me call the boss. In this case, Rosenburg is the harbinger of apocalypse time and it's not even spring." She found her phone and called. "Boss, Rosenburg showed up here to check on Alex." She hung up on the screaming that started. "Oooh, I'd hate to be the slayer that he finds first." She walked back to the kitchen.

"Slayer?" Pepper asked. "Like that show...." She looked at the baby. "That's Xander."

"Yup." Wilhelmina grinned. "They pulled him specifically. Yeah, the foresight might stay, no idea. Before he only saw battles or apocalypse attempts. He was guarding a lot of the slayers when a demon specifically hired for it assassinated him. He killed the demon who did it but he died of the injury and protected the three young slayers who were also under attack at the time."

"The bad girl thing he said?" Natasha asked.

"Every. Single. One," Wilhelmina said with a smirk for the baby. "If they were dangerous, they loved Xander. Now he's Alex though so maybe that'll ease. I'm not sure *why* but I have no idea if we can fix it. I'm trying." She shrugged. Her boss showed up. Everyone stared at his odd color and his extensive horns. "Hey, D'Hoffryn. Did you get through to her?"

"No. She's like that though. I did warn the Watcher and the head Slayer. Hopefully they'll rein her in before I have to have her sent to a new life and reborn in the Flintstones." He looked at the boy then at the mother. "The drawing of dangerous ones? It'll stay. So will the foresight. Also watch for him to be in the absolutely wrong place at the right time and have an idea how to fix it. He was...amusing when he did it before. Some demons made millions betting on what he'd do. Including screwing up one of my vengeance demons that had been efficient, deadly, and nasty for over a millennia. He gave her a conscience after a year and a bit of dating." He grimaced. "Good luck with his desire to help when it's not his job and his tripping because he'll do it without training."

"Though he was almost always where he needed to be to help solve things," Wilhelmina quipped. "Not everyone would face down beings of immense power and strength when they don't know what the hell they're doing."

D'Hoffryn rubbed his forehead around the horns. "Don't remind me." He looked at the baby then at her. "No more wish-based work until you're off this assignment. I've checked on the other two and they're safe-ish. Perhaps. I can't see that far. Ask him when he can talk." He disappeared.

Wilhelmina smiled a tiny bit at the baby. "You still drive him nuts." The baby cooed and waved. She gave him a hug around the head. "We were always amused, dear. Don't do it to me though, Alex. I'll be mean and make you eat brussel sprouts." The baby laughed and rocked a bit. Pepper caught him before he knocked the tray off and fell. "Don't do that. Eat for your aunt then we'll go buy you more diapers. Okay?" The baby stared at her. "And maybe something for you to suck off like a candy bar." The baby squealed and dove back to his aunt who had the spoon. "Very hyper," she mouthed to Natasha. Then she smiled. "Fortunately he can't walk yet." She strolled off. "Let me get him clean clothes."

Stark looked at Natasha. Who was shaking her head. "Let's look at the cult to stop them first."

"They seem to be a lot of science people," Steve said, handing the book to him.

Stark looked it over. "I know some of them. Half of them are idiots though. Magic can't imitate science."

"Bull," Wilhelmina said as she came back with a damp cloth and some clean clothes. "We can." She grinned. "We really can. They can't, because they're more limited. We're not allowed to teach them how to do those things so they have to figure it all out themselves. And no, I'm not a good test of that. My magic isn't all that strong. It's all wish based."

"That's good to know," Steve said. "Does he have magic?"

Wilhelmina looked at the baby then at him. "If so, we'll all die in a flaming fart of the universe." Stark was laughing. "Seriously. It doesn't go right around him. He tends to draw magic users, especially chaos ones, but as far as I know he can't. He had a whole guard unit of young chaos mages who considered him a holy icon," she said at Bruce's laughing. "They were really good. If they had been there when he had been attacked, he wouldn't have had a problem beyond putting out the fires they'd cause. They stopped a lot of demons who wanted to own him or kill him for helping the slayers. I'm looking at the ones here to see what they're doing. Most of them are too old but two of Janus' are younger and there's one of Loki's true practioners that might like him too much."

"We hate Loki," Clint said.

She smiled. "I don't much like him either. His practioners and holy servants aren't him and some of them are okay. One's a healer. He's kind of nice. Not really pleasant but kind of nice. Another's a thief and he's very good at it. People keep wondering how he broke into somewhere and they can't figure out he's using magic." Natasha spat a name. Wilhelmina grinned. "Him, and his father, and later on his son. Who will be about a year younger than Alex so they might end up friends. They're drawn to Alex like flies to fair food. They'll find him in the park, in the stores, in the ER once. Unfortunately not the one that was a healer but he called him in to come meet him. They were very happy to help the Knight of Chaos." She pointed at the baby's head. He was cooing at Pepper and the spoon of veggies.

"Any locally?" Pepper asked.

"Two. They've both been very amused by Alex in the park. They're both older and have grandchildren who might introduce themselves. It's nothing that they plan, it just seems to happen. He's a chaos magnet. Weird things are drawn to Alex. They'll probably always been drawn to Alex."

"So if Loki comes back...." Clint said dryly.

"He'll probably be wanting to cuddle the baby and coo at him but he won't know why. Unless he *knows*, which we wouldn't put past him." She grinned. "But he might upset Thor horribly because his brother probably had that same probability thing going when he was little."

"We'll ask when he shows up," Steve said. He patted the baby on the back, getting his attention. "Is he going to be okay?"

"Yeah. He'll be the laugh you need at the wrong moment, but you'll need it," Wilhelmina said. "He was in his last life, and he'll probably be the same this life. Consider it like reincarnation but some of the last one stuck through all the filters." She shrugged. "Finish up, Alex. We'll go taunt the hellhound at the grocery store." The baby squealed and wiggled until Pepper handed him over. "Let's clean you up. I know you want to be drooled on and the puppy's really nice to you. His human isn't sure why but he's a funny seeing eye dog anyway. Huh?" She walked him off.

Steve rubbed his forehead, shaking his head. "We can manage that, right?"

Stark nodded. "Chaos is a well known factor of science," he said, looking at Bruce.

"I love the little guy. He's adorable and he's comforting." He looked at Natasha. Who was shaking her head.

Clint patted her on the shoulder. "We knew if you ever had a kid it'd be exceptional in some way or another." She scowled at him. He grinned back. "It came from his dad, right?"

"Definitely," Steve said. "Can we save him?"

"If we can capture him and undo whatever mind screwing they did to him," Stark said.

"I'm not sure how easy that would be," she said. "I can work on the first part of that goal however." She looked at Steve. "He was sent to kill you more than once."

"I'll deal with it," he said. She nodded, making plans to capture the baby daddy as Clint called him.

***

Alex crawled into the infirmary. "Boo!" he called. "Boooooooo!"

"He's in the labs, Alex," Coulson called from his bed. The baby grinned at him before crawling over. He got up to grab the baby and laid back down. "What are you doing out of bed?" He looked at him. "Why are you only in a diaper?" The baby beamed and patted his booboo. "Yes, I know, it's my booboo." The baby tried to cuddle it but Coulson shifted him. "Cuddle me there. It'll make me feel better." The baby pulled up a thumb, staring up at him. "What?" He sighed at the continued staring. "Would you like a story?" The boy grinned around his thumb. "Okay, I can do that. Let's see...." He came up with a suitably tame one.

"Your Uncle Clint was once my agent. I took him all around the world to handle things." The baby cooed and patted his chest again. "We were in Belgrade once. It was really cold and he had to sit outside to watch someone for me. He was out there so long he was almost too cold to move. So I brought him coffee and let him warm up for a few minutes while I watched them for him. Of course, the bad guy came during that so he had to hurry up, handling it for me, and then we went to the hotel to hide really fast and leave. He was still shivering even though we went to the beach in Greece really fast. It took him *three* days to get fully warm and he still says he gets cold from thinking about that."

"I do," Clint said from his spot leaning in the doorway. "He got away from Mom, who was giving him a bath. She's finally got the water right and is waiting on him. Want a bath, Alex?" The baby cooed and patted Phil's chest, cuddling on the booboo. "He's special to us too. He can come up to talk to us while you have a bath. He can even read you the bedtime story." He picked the baby up. "I'm so proud you haven't peed on him yet. You got the rest of us within a few hours." He helped Coulson up. "C'mon. There's a nice chair up there." He made sure he made it to the elevator and up to Natasha's suite. She took the baby with a head shake. "He went down for a story."

"He does like stories." Clint got Coulson a chair to sit on. Alex kept checking on him while he splashed his way through his bath. They felt the building shake. Clint and Natasha shared a look. "Sometimes I worry that we're doing his bidding," she said dryly, staring at her son. Who peed in the water. She got him out to dry off and diaper. He wasn't done and as soon as he was out of the water, he erupted again so she let him pee into the water. It'd save a diaper.

"He does pee more than you'd think babies could hold," Coulson said. "Hurry up, Alex, so I can read to you." The baby cooed and pooped too.

"At least we can transition from the tub to the potty thanks to the water," Clint said, going to get her some cleaning supplies.

Natasha looked at her very strange son. "Done?" she asked. He squealed. The diaper changing robot came in. "He's already done and I have it, thank you." The robot seemed to slump and stand in the corner.

"For some reason I feel like a Queen song," Clint muttered as he came back. He took the baby to put on his diaper. They helped Coulson to the nursery so he could read the bedtime story since the baby demanded.

Stark strolled in and stared at the sleepy baby. "Thank you. Let us know and we'll save him anyway. Your mommy missed him." He walked off. "The two SHIELD agents who put some sort of landing pod into the infirmary are in deep. They startled Bruce awake. He's not happy. He's about to throw them like a touchdown ball spike." He went back to calming Bruce down while Steve dealt with the agents.

"Boo?" Alex asked.

"You can see him tomorrow, Alex," Natasha said patiently. "When he's calm." Coulson read a second story, which made the baby forget about Bruce. That was sweet and he fell asleep during it. They put him down and helped Coulson back down to the infirmary so he could handle things. The agents stared at them, one shaking his head fast. "Who sent you?" she said dryly.

"The Director. He said you stole someone from custody."

"We stole him from their infirmary of hell," Stark said dryly. "Not exactly the same thing."

"We're only following orders!" the other one shouted.

"Sure, you're following orders to piss Dr. Banner off," Clint said as he walked in. He smirked at them. "I doubt that'll work. Want that on your exit paperwork?" They shook their heads. "Then clean up your mess. Before my nephew sees it and wants to play with you two."

"Will the baby really do that much harm?" Steve asked. Both agents shuddered. "Never mind. I never poke people about their phobias. It's a good way to get my own acted on." He walked off. The elevator took him down to the bottom level when he had pushed for the living level. "Sure, JARVIS." He stepped off, staring at the two agents trying to get the elevator to show up. "SHIELD agents decided to crash their landing pod into the infirmary level. Would you like them?"

"Yes, sir," the agent in the lead said, staring at him.

Tony came off the next elevator with Clint, walking the agents. "We'll be destroying their little breach pod thing. I can make better things with it." They got onto the elevator. "Steve?" He got on too, nodding at the agents. They left it there. Clint went to check on the baby and Coulson, who was now in an apartment of his own. Stark went to his lab to rant at his robots for a bit. Bruce was calming down and Natasha was subtly begging the baby daddy to show up before she went insane. Even Wilhelmina was cackling in her room.

***

The Winter Soldier checked the new email message from his phone, snorting at the 'would you like some babysitting time' request from Natasha. "Not likely." She sent a picture from what looked like an infirmary. He recognized the uniforms - SHIELD. "Isn't that what they use to breach submarines?" he muttered, staring at it. The message with the picture made him groan. "Our son was down there a few minutes before this to try to protect his newest uncle, who was in the bed on the right in the picture. He is very noble and a bit strange."

He sent back a question about how their son knew that. She sent her file of occurrences as she called it. Then she sent a file that was a video of the nanny telling them why their son was a bit weird. He was going to growl soon. "Hell no," he muttered. "There's no way that group's going to get the kid. Even if I'm not father material." He rewatched that second video, grimacing. He had new targets, that was very nice of them. His son really needed to be safer. So maybe he'd go after the guy behind all the attacks that was making his son put himself into danger without others realizing it: Nick Fury. He finished off his current job of breaking in somewhere to get scientific information then left the area. England wasn't that far away and was a good layover point.

***

Alex found someone strange in the lab when he was looking for Uncle Bruce to check on him. They had been attacked by some bad guy that wanted his mommy to be a bad girl too. "Boo?" he called. The Hulk jumped and stared at him, groaning. "Boo!" He stared at him. The green person was wearing the same pants. "Boo?" He crawled closer. The Hulk backed away. "Boo! Boo!" The Hulk roared.

Steve rushed into the lab in time to see Alex figure out how to crawl up a ramp made of a fallen ceiling tile and then jump on the big green guy. "Oh, no," he said, grabbing the baby from Bruce's neck. "Let go, Alex. Uncle Bruce needs to calm down without you!" The Hulk was trying to shake the baby off, making him cackle in pleasure. "No, Hulk, let me take him."

"Boooooooooo!" he shouted through his squeal. "Boo!" Then the green guy started to change. "Boo!" He pounded on him. That guy had eaten his Uncle Bruce! No wonder he was looking like him. "Boobooobooo! Booobooobooo!" He was still trying to thump him.

Steve finally got the baby free and walked him off. "Uncle Bruce is just fine, Alex. Really, he is. He just needs a time out to calm down. You can't help him with that." Natasha looked up. "He was helping the Other Guy calm down." He held him out.

She took her son to look at, who was still chanting for Bruce and nearly crying. "Your uncle is fine, Alex," she said calmly, staring at him. "Stop it please." The baby started to cry.

Clint walked past to grab him and looked at him. "Quit." The baby sniffled and called for Bruce again. "You can see Bruce in a few minutes. Once he's not green. If he's green it's not a good thing. He needs to calm down. The same as you need to calm down." He turned on the security video. "See, he's nearly back to Uncle Bruce." The baby reached for the guy on the tv. "You can see him in a few minutes." Natasha took him back, letting him watch his uncle.

"Boo!" he shouted, reaching for the tv. "Boooooooooooo!" She put him onto the couch because he was wiggling so much. He rolled off it and crawled off again.

"JARVIS, do not let him down to the lab," Clint warned. The AI wouldn't open the elevator door no matter how much Alex cried and screamed as he pounded on the door. The diaper changing robot came up but not even that would stop the wailing in misery. Bruce came off the elevator, mostly back to normal. Alex pounced him, staring at him, patting his cheeks.

"You cannot be around the Green Guy," Bruce said. "He could hurt you and I'd hate that. No being around the Green Guy." Alex sniffled and hugged him as hard as he could. Bruce sighed, sitting down on the couch with him. "You guys tried."

Natasha nodded. "I'm not sure he didn't think you were hurt," she said quietly.

"I think he thought I ate me," Bruce said. "He was better until I started to change back so he couldn't get hurt."

Coulson walked out slowly, taking the baby to look at him. "We'll talk about it, but please quit fussing. Bruce needs quiet Alex, not crying Alex. It makes him sad." Alex sniffled, staring at him. He handed him back and the baby did calm down by napping on Bruce's shoulder. Coulson sat down. "We'll talk to him about shape changers. Where is Wilhelmina?"

"Probably still locked in the safe room," Clint said, going to check on her. "Yup, knocked out," he said as he came back. "The explosion knocked something onto her head and she's just now coming around." More people came off the elevator with guns drawn. The main window was already blown in but someone swung in on a rope and fired on those people before more than Natasha had. Clint was pulling back to shoot. Bruce was moving to protect the baby. Steve was diving for his shield and gun. The guy that swung in got most of them.

Natasha looked at him. "Thank you."

"Welcome." He held up a disc with a tiny smirk. "That cult's gone."

"Excellent." She took the disk. "Bruce, is Alex awake?"

"He's a limpet," he said, prying him off to hand him to his mother. This new guy was clearly dangerous and a bit weird with the dark makeup rings around his eyes.

"Alex, this is your father."

"Dada," Clint supplied.

The baby stared at him. "Dada?" He nodded, patting him on the head. Alex wiggled until he could pat him back. "Coo coo?"

Clint paused then laughed. "He does look a bit like a racoon we saw at the zoo, yeah," he agreed. Natasha and Bruce both scowled. "He wanted to go to the zoo! It's not my fault the hyena got out and gave him a cub bath! I was trying to get the others off him!"

Stark came off the elevator, pausing. "Okay. Sure." He nodded. "Are you the source of all the chaos he draws?"

"No," the Winter Soldier said. "I was never that bad as far as I know."

"Only now and then around girls," Steve said. The man stiffened. "Hi, James."

"I'm not.... James?"

"James. That used to be your name." He moved closer. "Did they leave you any memories?"

"No," he admitted. "All I know is that people want you dead." He was clearly fighting against that urge.

"He's good at reading to the baby," Natasha said, hitting him with a sedative dart. He glared at her as he slowly sank to the floor. Alex was scowling at his mother and patting him. "He'll be fine. We're going to make his memories come back, son. That way he's nicer, we hope." She took the baby back. Steve and Stark took him down to the infirmary to start the long process of unbrainwashing him. Coulson followed.

Alex tried to follow, calling for his dad. "Hey, babble patrol? Not right now," Clint said, picking him up to look at. "You can see your dad later." He walked him off. "Let's change you. Okay?" He grinned. The baby grinned back and babbled at him. "Sure, you can call me that. I don't mind."

Natasha looked at Bruce, who shrugged. "I tried to get away from him."

"He's a bit stubborn," she said, siting back on the broken couch. "I have no idea which side he gets it from."

"Both of you. You're both stubborn if you've survived this long." He rubbed over his face with his hands. "The zoo thing?"

"He was acting up and wanting outside by the way he was pounding on the windows to scare the pigeons. Clint nicely took him to the zoo." She shifted to curl up some. "They did the primate cage. Clint had him in the pram." Bruce nodded, they all liked the stroller Pepper had chosen. It had a nice zippered screen over it. "He hadn't used the hood because he needed the shade. They can't be deployed at the same time." That got another nod. "They came out of the primate area into the African section. The elephants got a bit loud and apparently he was laughing at them. They moved on and Clint started to hear a noise like people screaming." Bruce sighed.

"He looked around but didn't rush in because he had Alex. He turns to find people rushing his way; the hyenas had gotten out. He wisely starts to take Alex but turns and finds another hyena behind him. He backed up and against one of the designer trees, none of them able to be climbed. Alex, my weird, precious, demented son, wiggles enough to make himself fall." Bruce winced. "Clint catches him but one of the hyenas bats at him and manages to grab Alex. The new mother of the group settles in around the baby to give his hair a bath while the others guard him, even from Clint while she tries to get him to nurse." Bruce stared at her. "No one has any idea why. They didn't even mind his diaper being messy.

"The zoo employees?"

"Tried to scream at Clint but he pointed out they had stolen the baby to cuddle. Then one of the wolves came trotting over. There was some growling until the baby fussed. Then the wolf sat down with the hyena to clean my son's face off." Bruce stared, mouth slightly open. "We do not know why. We have a copy of the film. Clint helped by sedating everyone, including Alex, so they could save him from having furry nannies."

"Why?" Bruce asked.

"No idea," Stark said as he came off the elevator with Steve. "Clint's not banned from the zoo but the baby is." He looked at the couch and the mess. "Let me get the cleaning bots and order a new couch set." He walked to find a phone while the tower's AI got the cleaning robots up to clean up the glass.

"Will it help him?" Natasha asked.

"Yup," Clint quipped as he joined them from the residence hallway. "He's having a nap. He wore himself out."

Natasha smiled. "Thank you."

"Welcome." He sat down on the other side of Bruce. "I have never been that scared in my life, but the kid just thought it was the coolest thing ever."

"Maybe he's got some gifts towards animals," Bruce said. Stark shook his head. "We checked?"

"We borrowed a dog from a friend Pepper has. It didn't react like the wolf or the hyena. He thought the kid was a bit weird and didn't want to play with him at all." He finished ordering a new couch and hung up. "JARVIS, order us dinner please," he ordered, walking off to get a drink. "If anyone else attacks, I'm killing everyone in the city but us. That way I get to calm down too." He got onto the elevator and went to calm down in his lab.

Natasha and Clint shared a look. They got out of the way of the cleaning robots while Bruce went down to help with the deprogramming. They could listen for the baby and Wilhelmina to wake up while helping with the clean up. Steve was sitting beside his former best friend to help him however he could.

***

James gasped as he woke up, looking around. "Shrimp?" Natasha asked from the seat next to him. She held up a fork, letting him eat the food from it. "It's only been three hours," she said quietly. "The son is still sleeping, which we appreciate." He blinked at her. She stared back, eating a bite then feed him the rest. "Tonight has been insane and we're all calming down."

"Let me go, Natasha."

"Once you have at least most of your memories back. You cannot be free if you do not remember when you had freedom." She stared at him. "We're being nicer at it than SHIELD was to me," she said more quietly. Clint strolled in with a paper bag, handing it over with a nod for him then walking off. She looked inside and smiled at him. "Apples." She held one so he could eat it, even though he was staring at her. "Once you're healed from the damage, they'll let you go hide and figure out what you want to do."

"I can do that now."

She looked at him, leaning down some. "SHIELD found the other three embryos they made," she said quietly. "We are still looking for them to destroy them." He shuddered. "Exactly. I need the backup. Therefore you will be healed so I am not the only one." She gave him a pointed look. He huffed but grimaced. She sat back down once she had thrown out the apple core. Phil Coulson came off the elevator with a file. "Did the Director give that to you?"

"Stark hacked for me. The director's not talking to us."

"He's pouting like the baby upstairs," she said in Russian.

Phil smiled. "Possibly, yes." He held up the file. "This is all that SHIELD and any other agency has on you." He let Natasha hold it so the man tied to the bed could read it. "Are we missing anything?"

"I don't know most of that," he admitted.

"You hopefully will once they're done removing the blocks," Coulson said, leaving that in there. "I've asked Captain Rogers to give you some time to heal," he said quietly. "He's anxious and worried about you." The Winter Soldier shook his head. "You'll work that out later. Dr. Banner thinks it will take about three weeks to fully remove the blocks. Stark wants to look at your arm to fix the wiring problem he thinks you have in your wrist. I've managed to hold him off until after your blocks are removed." He crossed his arms over his chest. "If it doesn't work, we can do it the traditional way but it won't be pleasant. It's sent more than one agent off the comfortable level of sanity and most seem to need therapy for the nightmares that is the old memories coming back."

"Some of us never managed to get them all back," Natasha said. "But I did get more than some."

"Two of those were due to head injuries," Phil said. "The others have been offered this new method and they're considering their options since they got retired to a more normal life."

She nodded. "That is a nice fairytale." She stood up, looking at him. "I will be back in the morning. Try to rest." She patted his hand. "If the baby escapes, he'll try to visit. He's loud enough to let you know from the elevator." She walked off.

Phil looked at him. "She's doing it to protect you," he said quietly. "There's sixteen different kill on sight orders on you plus SHIELD's capture and question then kill order." The Winter Soldier grimaced but nodded. "She wouldn't let you fall that way. This way, you get to make your own decisions once you're clear." He looked around then at him. "If you have any programmed behavior, we'll try to be careful of that. Most of us can avoid them or protect ourselves." He walked off, lowering the lights until Bruce came in later.

The man formerly known as James Buchanan got comfortable. It was a nice prison but it was still not something he wanted to go through. He got a whole hour alone and then he heard a slapping noise and a quiet babble. He watched the baby crawl in and huffed at the stuff in his way. They had blocked off his bed with some of the debris so the baby couldn't get to him. It only made his son stubborn. He got this pouty, stubborn look and crawled around things. He yelped when he cut his hand, pouting at that mean piece of tile.

"Baba!" He swatted at it and kept going, finding the man on the bed. He grinned. "Dada!" He tried to climb up but couldn't. "Dada!"

"Kid, I'm a bit tied down. I can't pick you up," he said, waving his hands. The baby scowled at him.

Clint sighed as he walked in, lifting the baby onto the bed. "Ten minutes then you go back to bed." The baby beamed at him then crawled up to hug his father around the neck. Clint shrugged. "He'll throw a loud fit and we all need sleep tonight." When the baby was snoring he carefully picked him up and put him against his shoulder, patting him on the back. "There, that's a good boy," he said quietly. "Good boy, Alex. Let's go back to bed." The baby fussed. "Sure, you can sleep on the couch again." The baby cooed in his sleep. Clint shook his head. "I'll check his room for more devices. Need anything?"

"Bathroom break?"

Clint looked at things then put a urinal in the right spot and tossed the sheet over it. "Have fun. Let me get him back into bed. Bruce should be up in an hour." He walked off.

James stared at his back then shifted his thighs so he could use the urinal. When Banner came in he nodded at him. "Barton saved the baby from me."

"We saw that ghost trying to contact him in his room. We had a talk." He took the urinal to take a sample then tossed the rest out. "Want a nutritional drip?"

"Natasha fed me some of her Thai shrimp."

Bruce walked off and came back with a sealed mug of ice water with a straw, putting it on the bed table where he could use it. He put a package of crackers next to his human hand. "You should be able to toss it up and eat it." He walked off. "Let me go over this program again."

"Is the baby always that weird?"

Bruce looked at him, nodding. "Often. We found out why but he's a bit...unique."

"I noticed."

"He's a good, loving boy. Hopefully he'll grow up to be a good man. We're all trying to make sure of it, even if he is a bit hyper at times." He got up to take the baby back upstairs and tell the AI to not let him on the elevator.

James took a sip of the ice water, shaking his head. His son was so weird. He hoped it wasn't from him.

***

Alex looked the dinner table a few days later, looking at his mother. "Dada?"

"Still in the infirmary, son. He'll be out in a few weeks, you can see him then. He's in transition and might be dangerous." Alex pouted at her. "No. Sorry." He still pouted, but accepted the nifty piece of roll she handed him to gum on. Wilhelmina was presently fixing his dinner. "Spinach?"

"It does more than Popeye good," the nanny quipped with a grin for her. She sat down and held up a spoonful of green stuff. "Let's eat, Alex."

"Dada?"

"No, he's not having dinner with us," Wilhelmina said, feeding him a bite of spinach. He made grossed out faces and spit it out. She cleaned up the mess and fed it to him again, getting the same result. "I'm going to be here all night, aren't I?" The baby pouted at her. "You have to eat it. If you're a good boy I can put other veggies in it." She got a large spoonful of corn from the main serving dish on the table to mix in. He was still disgusted but he grumbled as he ate it. When he was done, she gave him a bottle then some more dinner roll from Clint. The baby liked that better. The others all ate, smiling some at the good eating habits they all hoped the baby kept for most of his life.

Later that night, Clint came out to see what the babbling noise was about. It was Alex trying to talk the elevator doors into opening for him. He scooped up the baby. "You don't need to be anywhere else but here, Alex. Let's go read something." The baby whined and reached. "You can see him later. JARVIS, can you note this incident to someone?" he asked as he carried the baby off.

"I have. There's no reason I can find for him to want to go downstairs," the AI said. "Unless he wants to visit the infirmary."

"He probably does."

Natasha took the baby to stare at. "I visited your father earlier. He's upset but doesn't need you to get underfoot tonight. So we will bathe, read, and then go to bed like usual." She carried him off. Clint followed to help. Giving Alex a bath often took two people because he tried to swim. Tonight he was still pouty so he wasn't wiggly in the least. They'd deal with that later. He'd forget about it soon.

***

Two hours later, the infirmary was in a bit of disarray. The Winter Soldier had decided he wanted out, now. He was going to get out now. The baby crawled into the epic fit throwing and stared up at his father. "Dada?"

He turned, staring at him. "You'll make a good hostage," he growled, picking the kid up.

Alex stared into his eyes. "Dada baba. Booo!"

"What?" he demanded. "Never mind, you're just babbling." He stomped off. The baby hugged him. That made the assassin flinch. "What are you doing?"

"Dada." He grinned and lapped him then giggled. "Dadadadadadadada."

"Shut up!"

The baby laughed. "Dada! Boooooooo!"

"Kid, I'm going to knock you out." He blocked the hit to his head from Stark but didn't expect the baby to be taken from him that way. Then he got punched into a wall. "Good, finally someone I can talk to," he sneered.

"I hated this part of the deprogramming," Natasha said. "JARVIS, the baby is not allowed to wander."

"He went down the stairs, Agent Romanoff," the AI said impatiently. "That's why I woke you."

"Great, he's really got his mom's brains," Clint said.

"Booo!" Alex called.

"He's knocked out, kid," the assassin said with a sneer. He was going to get out of here one way or another.

Wilhelmina showed up in full demon mode and touched him on the head, making everything fade out. "Sorry, can't let you hurt my charge." She smiled sweetly then whammied his mind. "Threaten the kid again," she encouraged, staring him down. "Next time you'll be singing to the pretty flowers." The man she was barely touching with her fingertips was shaking and starting to sweat hard. "Let's just fix all that nasty bullshit, shall we, dear? I'm pretty darn sure that you don't need all that shit in there. It's clogging up the pathways as it were. Such a sewer leak." He tried to take a swing at her but he was moving very, very slowly.

She patted him on the fist. "You're fine, dear. Just a few more minutes and all that nasty sewer's going to be all gone." She smiled and blew a kiss at his face. He seized and flopped around on the floor. "There, that's most of it." She reached down to brush a hand over his sweaty hair. "Hmm. That's pernicious. That's got to be encouraged by... ah, there." She pulled the things out and tossed them onto the bed. Then the other two things, healing his brain once and for all. Now he had both sets of memories. He made a slight whimpering noise. "Are you ever going to piss me off again by harming my charge?" she asked sweetly, smiling at him.

"You're like a demented Mary Poppins on a power trip," he groaned.

She laughed. "I've been called worse." She patted him on the head. "Now, get your ass up and get back onto that bed before I have to find my version of a spoonful of medicine. I doubt you'll like it when it tries to turn you inside out." She went back to human looking, staring down at him. "Never, ever hurt my charge," she said quietly. "That does tend to upset me a bit, dear." She helped him up and put him onto the bed, including tucking him in. "There, all better." She turned and then blocked the hit at her. She snapped and called a bottle, pouring it down his throat no matter how much he choked. "I told you not to try it." She walked over to take Alex. "You, young man, are in deep for taking the stairs. You're much too young and I'm not amused." She walked off with him. "Let's have a talk about common sense, shall we?"

"Tell me how to reinforce that afterwards," Steve said, waving at the baby. "If you were older, we'd all be yelling at you."

Natasha nodded. "I will be. JARVIS, please save down tape of this incident for me so I can show him when he's older. That way perhaps he learns caution and common sense." Wilhelmina was giggling all the way to the elevator. She sighed, looking at her former trainer. "Are you better?" she asked.

He glared at her. "Kill me?"

"No. The child will need more male role models." She walked off. "It only takes one mother but it seems to take a lot of uncles to make boys more normal than our son is at this moment." She went up to help the nanny talk to her idiot, heroic son. Now she knew what he had meant about the 'dumbass' moments.

James slumped, staring at Steve. "I... I wasn't in my right mind."

Clint nodded. "The middle of deprogramming does it to most of us. Natasha nearly chewed her wrists open during hers."

"I wasn't going to really hurt the kid."

"If you're not in your right mind, we can't blame you for those things," Steve said. Clint nodded. "We don't blame Clint for his nearly bringing down the heli carrier while he was under control." Clint winced. "Sorry, Clint."

"It's okay." He walked off. "Let me help the yelling at the kid battle upstairs. They're going to try logic because they're women and he's a guy so he'll never understand it."

Stark left the two alone after a long look at Steve, who nodded for him to go.

Steve righted a chair and sat beside the bed. "Wilhelmina is one hell of a woman."

"What is she?"

"Apparently she's a type of vengeance demon."

James grimaced. "Seriously?"

"Yeah. She's protecting Alex until he's at least six. There's a prophecy thing about them wanting to sacrifice him."

James slumped, but he nodded. "Okay." Steve pulled up that talk so he could watch it. James shook his head quickly. "Wow. Goes against what we were taught when we were little," he said quietly.

"I think there's a different category of those kind of demons." Steve shrugged. "I don't know and the one time I tried to figure that out, the minister I was talking to had a fit. Some of them do that these days though."

"He was a half demon anyway," Stark's voice said. "I caught Wilhelmina mailing him a 'hypocrite' card. Does he want dinner? I'm up to cooking for the moment."

"No thank you," James said. "I've got one hell of a headache."

Steve nodded. "I had one of those when I woke up. My brain felt like this drink they have in some places called a slushie." James shook his head. "How long were you in ice?"

"They had me in some sort of cryogenic storage. I got dethawed to kill people then put back."

"Beats arctic ice then," Steve said. James stared at him. "Long story," he muttered. James reached over to swat him on the head. Steve grinned. "Thanks."

"Still wearing the tights?"

"No, they're tight pants now. Still a bit stretchy though." He shrugged. "Could be worse. I could be wearing something like Natasha wears."

"I didn't need that mental image, thanks," James complained, rubbing his forehead with his real hand. He looked at his metal hand then shook his head. "Now what?"

"We make sure you're fine. We have Agent Coulson do a debrief. He's up to that now. That should take a few days. Then we figure stuff out about if you want visitation?" James gave him a look. "Are you going to be...what do they call them? Oh, baby daddy."

"I'll do what I can for the kid but I'm not ...I shouldn't be around him, Steve. I really shouldn't. I'm not fit parent material."

"I think that's why we have the nanny. Natasha said the same thing about herself." His oldest friend nodded once. "We'll figure it out." He patted him on the arm. "Need anything right now?"

"Not yet. Maybe later."

"Okay. I'm going to check on the kid then I'm going to the gym to beat the crap out of a punching bag again. Stark made me a new one he thinks I can't destroy." He grimaced but walked off.

James went limp, watching Steve go. He looked at his metal hand then around at the wreckage he had made. He got up to put it back to right but he knew he shouldn't be around the kid. Ever. With the urges he had about him, he shouldn't ever be alone with his son.

Agent Coulson walked in and put down a pot of hot water and some instant coffee tubes. Then a cup that had been in his jacket pocket. He looked at James then turned on a video. It was Alex bothering the Hulk. "You're not that bad," he said quietly. "It's a natural reaction that was trained into you. Of course, we would've killed you if you had hurt him." James sighed, looking at him. Agent Coulson smiled a tiny bit. "Don't think we're the least bit nice, Sergeant Barnes. We're not. None of us in this building are; even Pepper Potts has a dark side. You just never see it until we want you to."

He gave him a pointed look. "Upstairs are two master assassins, of the same level you are. There's Captain Rogers, and I know you've seen what he did in the war. Since then, there was an invasion of New York he helped handle. You're mildly fractured but if you were fully broken I wouldn't have let you wake up." He walked off. "Dr. Banner's going to be back down here in about an hour. He said to rest. He'll do a new EEG once he comes down and a CT."

"Sure," he said, watching his son try to beat up the Hulk to get his uncle back. His son...really wasn't right. It figured that his screwed upness and Natasha's screwed upness had made a screwed up, heroic kid that was a bit warped. As proven by the next video, which was him and the diaper changing robot. James shook his head, making himself some coffee. His son was really weird. He had no idea where it came from. He didn't like to have his balls sprayed that way and Natasha wasn't into water play either.

***

Alex crawled in the next morning all happy and smiling. "Booo!" he squealed, patting his napping uncle. "Dada!" James flinched awake and stared down at him. Alex squealed and found a way onto the bed, crawling up until he could cuddle him. "Dada."

"Hey, kiddo. Shouldn't you be doing stuff with the nanny?"

Bruce shook his head to clear it, then shook it again. "No. Not usually. He's usually asleep at this time for his morning nap." The baby beamed at him. "JARVIS, why is Alex wandering?"

"Because someone decided to gas the entire living floor, Dr. Banner. They were defeated by the nice traps Agent Romanoff sent but I wanted the baby safely out of harm's way while people come up to pick things up." Bruce hurried up there. The AI flipped on a baby show, making the baby pout. "Fine, we'll let you watch the screensaver channel, Alex." He changed the channel and the baby cuddled into his father's shoulder, listening to the club music while he watched the pretty colors move.

James looked up. "Is this like a torment for me?"

"Perhaps," the AI said, sounding a bit smug. "We do adore the baby, Sergeant Barnes. He's much more fun than Mr. Stark is at times. Plus he never brings home girls that need fumigated. Miss Potts does adore that about him."

James shook his head, letting the kid nap on his shoulder. He was still a bit freaked out by the kid but it was calming in a few ways. Alex was clearly feeling safe with him. He should appreciate that but it was worrying in other ways that made him tense.

Alex turned his head to look at him, then made a mouth-farty noise in his ear. Then he giggled. "Dada." He patted him on the chest. "Boo?"

"He went to check on your mom." Alex squealed and wiggled, sitting up to crawl up his head, making James move him. Alex did it again. James sat up to look up there. He killed the spider. Alex beamed and giggled, patting his metal arm. "Let's not play with that, Alex."

"Baba?" he asked, patting it while staring at him.

"No, it's not bad," he said quietly. "But you shouldn't like it."

"Dada." He grinned and snuggled in, getting under his father's t-shirt to 'hide'. James was giving him a strange look down the neckhole. Then Alex bit him on the pec, making him yelp and move him. The baby giggled and tried to get under it again.

"You're mean, kid. Now I know you're mine. You're a bit mean and girls like you." He let the baby cuddle him instead. Steve came in and Alex managed to wiggle back under his shirt. "No, not doing that. Thank you!" He tried to get free of him. "Stevie, help. Ow! Mean shit," he complained, rubbing the sore spot. The baby beamed at him. He stared back. "That's not nice. Be a good boy like Steve." The baby cackled and rocked forward to headbutt him.

"I think he's playing with you like a puppy would," Steve said, taking the baby to look at. The baby grinned at him and cooed, petting his nose. "Thanks, kiddo. Want to go see Pepper?" The baby pouted. "You like Pepper." He walked off. The baby fussed. "Shoot."

"We can handle one kid," James said.

"He's probably going to need to be changed soon," Steve said. James shrugged. So he sat down with the baby, who managed to find the way back up onto the infirmary bed and promptly bit his father again. Steve laughed. "Gee, I wonder where he gets his stubborn nature from."

"It got magnified from me," he shot back. "No biting." Alex bit him again, this time on the hand. "Ow, no biting!" Alex laughed. James growled and moved the kid away from him. Alex crawled back over and over until James finally swatted him on the diaper. Then Alex grinned and leaned forward to drool and slobber on his nose. James stared at him. "Who taught you to psychologically test people?"

"Maybe it's carryover," Steve said, shaking his head. "I think he just proved he's safe with you." James stared at him, mouth open. "You were getting really mad and frustrated and yet you only swatted him." He smiled. "Nice to have you back, James." He stood up. "Alex, let's go find Wilhelmina."

"No!"

"That's a new word," he said, picking him up. "C'mon. We'll go check on Mom too." He carried him off, letting him babble at the elevator buttons on the way. The baby was happy and babbling. They walked around the agents cleaning up the mess, handing him to the nanny. "He learned a new word and taught his father that he's very stubborn and he won't hurt him."

She looked at the baby then at him. "Why?"

"Because apparently his father had a doubt."

She nodded. "I know that feeling. There's days when it'd be a great thing. Alex, what are you babbling at?" He cooed and petted the thing only he could see. She looked around. "Magic?" she guessed.

The AI cleared his throat. "There are little energy dots floating around there."

"Magic," she decided. "Okay then. C'mon, we'll talk about magic. Maybe this time you won't need a platoon of chaos mages to help you, you'll do it on your own."

"I believe the magic may be related to Thor," the AI said.

"I'm going," Wilhelmina said. "He'll probably have a bad reaction to me."

Steve nodded, smiling at her and waving at the baby. Sure enough, Thor showed up about ten minutes later. "Thor, nice to have you back here," Steve said, shaking his hand.

"Heimdall has said that weird things were going on here. I came to check on my comrades." He looked at the mess then at his teammate. "Are the others unwell?"

"Someone tried awfully hard but Tony and I got 'em." He walked him off. "There's whole lots you probably haven't heard yet."

"I have heard of the baby and his caretaker." He looked at him. "She is not a friend of mine but I will not smite her for taking care of the chaos source." The baby was gumming on his leg. He looked down. "You are too tiny for armor, young man."

The baby patted him on the leg. "Baba." He patted Steve. "Booo?"

"He's in the infirmary checking everyone over." The baby crawled off calling for Bruce. The elevator opened for him. Steve shook his head. "He's a bit weird."

"I have heard." He patted him on the arm.

Tony Stark looked over. "That's not Thor. He's touchy but not that way."

Wilhelmina peeked out of the hallway, smiling at them. "Are you really here to play with the chaos source?" she asked him. "Because you look good as your brother but I wouldn't let Clint find you. The baby might help him." Thor/Loki disappeared. She grinned. "Chaos sorts *really* like Alex." She walked off, heading down to get him before the diaper changing robot did.

"Calling," Stark said. "JARVIS, please alert Agent Hill that we just had Loki here pretending to be Thor."

"I have done so and she is still swearing, sir. She's worried about the baby. We're connecting you directly."

"I don't think he's going to hurt the baby," Stark said dryly. "Recruit him maybe but not hurt him." He and Steve shared a look, and Steve went to get the kid, handing him to his father. Wilhelmina could guard him in there. They had a crazy demigod to hunt down and banish or kill.

***

Agent Hill walked into the conference room her boss was being chewed a new one in.

"So, let me get this straight. One of your people, and a team of six to eight others, because reports vary," the man on the screen sneered. "Took down your high tech flying weapons platform."

"He had Loki in control of his mind," Fury said.

"So!" the man demanded. "You trained all that into him!"

"Half," Fury corrected. "He had some training when he was recruited, sir."

"Sure, I'm *positive* that the circus taught him how to take down a flying weapons platform! Alert the intel people, George, we have to watch out for those Ringling people to try to take over the US. And god forbid the French ones in Circque du Soleil. They already wanted plans for his weapons platform but now they're going to be worse about it."

"It's not a weapons platform. It's an aircraft carrier that's been modified," Fury said.

"I don't know of many aircraft carriers that can be taken down by a group of under ten people," the man on the screen snorted. "Flying or on the water. Hell, even dry docked it'd probably take more than ten people!" He glared at him. "We'll be talking once you've taken whatever message Hill has for you."

She cleared her throat. "Stark called in an alert, sir," she said. "Loki was back on earth. He was pretending to be his brother and showed up at Avengers tower to talk to them." Fury hopped up, glaring at her. "Apparently some of them were fooled but not all and he apparently was amused by the baby."

"Fuck!" he said, stomping off. "Get Stark on the line."

"He's waiting," she said, handing him the phone. She nodded at the people on the screen. "Sorry, sirs, but this takes precedence. We don't want another invasion." She walked off. They could turn off the system on their end when they got tired of waiting.

"Barton, I don't give a damn what else is going on. Your only job is to take out Loki. That motherfucker is not to live past midnight." He listened. "Any idea where he disappeared to? He has a temple? With priests. Huh. Yes, find that out from the nanny and how she knows." He listened to why. Then he grimaced. "How do we know this?" Hill's computer beeped with an email sound. She checked it and let him see the video capture from the kitchen area. Fury growled. "Really?" He watched the rest and groaned. "No wonder they made him her kid. Find Loki, end Loki, and we'll forget you blowing up a lab." He hung up, looking at Hill. She reran the film, shaking her head. "Anything else we missed about that kid?" he asked sarcastically.

"The baby was the one who realized it was Loki," she said quietly, looking at him.

Fury's bad eye started to twitch. "Really?" She nodded. "We're sure?"

"It was in the background when he first called. Captain Rogers was wondering if Loki had shown up to visit the baby."

"If so, maybe we can bait the trap with it." He stomped off.

"She'll come after you again, sir," she warned quietly. He waved a hand back. She sent that order to Captain Rogers as well. He'd want to help Barton take down the chaos god.

***

Clint hung up. "We're under orders to find Loki and make sure he doesn't make it to sunrise," he told Natasha, who was staring at him.

"Wilhelmina and James can watch him," she said. She looked at the others.

"That's fine with me," Steve agreed. "Let me go tell him."

"I will. Wilhelmina?"

"That's fine, Natasha. We'll be fine."

She nodded, heading down to the infirmary. "Loki just showed up," she announced. Coulson and James were starting the debrief. Coulson stared at her. "We're going to find him. James, it is up to you to protect our handler and the baby. Because if Loki shows up here, we'll need someone who can kill him for us." She stared at him. "He killed our handler," she said more quietly. "He is not ready for battle yet."

"I can shoot, Natasha," Coulson said, standing up.

She stared at him. "I would expect that but it may come to a battle, which you cannot do." She walked off. "We're leaving within five minutes."

Coulson removed the forcefield around the bed area, letting the assassin up. "She's very worried."

"About you," he said, staring at him. "What did he do to you?"

"Used his staff to stab me through the heart from behind. He's also got gifts to create illusions. He used many of them to get me and to get his brother. He also mind controlled a few agents to get his way."

James nodded. "Understood. Let's go find a reasonable place to make a stand if we must." They went upstairs together, him looking around the living room. "Anywhere less open yet still safe?"

"Gym," Wilhelmina said. "The kid can crawl around forever in there. No entries but the doorway and the vents."

"That'll work," James agreed. Coulson was packing an expanded diaper bag.

"Still one an hour," Wilhelmina said, handing him a squishy plastic pack of diapers and the bigger case of baby wipes. That plus stuff to nibble and stuff to make bottles and they were set. James had gotten into Natasha's weapons, which she had left for him. Coulson had spares from Clint. They could make a good stand in the gym.

***

Stark and the others came back tired and slightly successful. They had found Loki twice but he had managed to escape them and the SHIELD agents helping them. They found Thor on the couch with the baby. Stark cleared his throat. "Thor, are you chasing your brother?"

"Nay. There's no real way I could be as he is dead."

"He was here earlier pretending to be you," Clint said quietly. He took the baby, looking at him. "Hi." The baby slobbered on him as he cuddled in. "Did everyone give up?"

"They said they were tracking down a problem that had gotten in," Thor said. "The demon asked after making sure of me. I did not know why."

"The baby draws chaos sorts," Natasha said. Thor gave her an odd look. "He's a specially reborn soul. From his world, apparently most chaos mages thought he was adorable and good to hang out with, even though he did not use magic and he was doing about the same as our job."

"Lady Darcy was telling Lady Jane about such a show."

"That's his natal world," Stark agreed.

"Why was he brought here?"

"There's a prophecy and they want to sacrifice him," Clint said dryly. "That's why Wilhelmina is protecting him."

Thor nodded. "That makes much sense. I had wondered about the shade."

"They managed to keep him alive. Fury never told us on purpose," Stark said, heading for the kitchen. "He need anything, Thor?"

"Nay. He's been delighting me by playing with my hair and gumming on it." He looked at the baby, who grinned and waved. He smiled back. "Some day I'll have a few of you. Perhaps you'll get to sit them." He sat down. Natasha took him back. "He is being good."

She smiled. "He's also going to pee on you. He does it a lot." She walked him off to change him. "Are the adults all right as well?"

"I had them rest. Son of Coul looked exhausted."

"He's just out of the hospital," Stark said, coming back with water for him and Steve. "By the way, your brother got away twice."

"Why did he want to visit the baby?"

"Don't know except that he seems to draw chaos people," Stark quipped. Clint sat down. Natasha came back out with the baby. "Coulson good?"

"Asleep. Wilhelmina's on the floor on the other side of his bed to protect her. James is still scowling." She sat down with the baby, who crawled over to play with Thor's hair again. Thor smiled and patted him, getting slobbered on again for it.

James came out, staring at the baby. "You are loud. He shrieked and giggled and made a lot of noise."

"Babies do that," Clint said. He sipped his water from earlier that had been sitting beside his seat. "Happy or mad babies mostly but all babies make noise. Even deaf babies make noise. He's just as loud as any of them in the park the last time."

Natasha sighed and shook her head. "Don't remind me." She looked at her son's father. "We took him to the playground." James walked off shuddering. She took her son back. "Have you eaten?" He smiled and patted her, then peed some more. She looked at him. "Must you really? James, get the diapers for me please?" she called. The diaper changing robot trundled out and stole the baby to change. "Do not squirt him for too long or make a huge mess this time," she warned the robot. It honked at her and they got to watch the baby having fun with the squirting robot friend and his suction tube when he started to pee again. She face-palmed then got up. The diaper changing robot finished up quickly and trundled off before she could grab it to dismantle it.

Stark was laughing. "I'm so glad I made that one. Alex seems to really enjoy it." He sipped his water to hide his grin.

"All guys like their balls played with and the penis pump was an inspired choice," Clint said dryly. "But aren't you teaching him bad boy habits too soon, Stark? I mean, some day he'll have to take some of your bimbos from you."

"That's fine. By then I'll be too old for bimbos. They'd only be after my wallet at that age." He finished his water and got up before Natasha decided if she wanted to hit him or not.

"Can we please quit encouraging my son to date too young and be the flaming queen sort?" James complained. "He doesn't need to learn to like blowjobs yet."

Natasha groaned, shaking her head. Steve was bright red. "I don't think they do it that way. I've never seen a robotic spraying attachment during a blow job," Clint quipped. Steve moaned and shook his head, getting up to go hide for a bit.

"Nor I," Thor said more quietly. Natasha took her son with her to her room. Thor shook his head. "She is being delicate minded. I'll apologize tomorrow."

"It's fine, Thor. Now and then all girls have those days." Alex came crawling out cooing at something only he could see. He finally pounced the whatever-it-was and laid on top of it, cooing at it. Clint looked at Thor. "Any idea?"

"Nay. Not a one. Illusions wouldn't be tangible." He got up to check then sat back down shaking his head. "I sense magic but not what kind. It's not harmful."

Stark came off the elevator, looking at the kid. He turned on a flashlight, changing filters on the end until he finally spotted something. He shined it over the creature, who was happy to be hugged apparently. "It's got a wagging tail."

Thor got up to take the glasses he was wearing to look through. "That's interesting. I had no idea that bog hounds existed down here."

"They probably don't," Clint said. "Any idea who called one to watch over the sprout, Stark?"

"I have no idea how to find out," he said. He looked at Thor, who handed back the glasses, shaking his head. "No idea?"

"Feels female but I cannot be certain. I'm not gifted in that area. That was my brother and my late mother's doings." Clint patted him on the arm. "Thank thee."

Stark looked at him. "Your brother?"

"No, the thing that got all planes invaded. Dark elves."

Stark just nodded. "Great, elves." He walked off shaking his head. He'd deal with the thought of evil elves later, when his head didn't hurt.

"Toto!" Alex called, staring toward him. "Toto!"

Tony turned, staring at him, grinning. "Did you call for me?" He picked up the baby to cuddle. "I like you too, Alex." The baby gummed on his cheek. "C'mon, we'll go play with Dummy. He needs more fun since we don't need a fire extinguisher anymore." He carried off the babbling one. The baby was so happy.

Clint shook his head. "We've got to teach him more words so he's a real genius and does more than fight."

"He does seem smart and hopefully will grow up strong and wise," Thor said, standing up.

"Your room's still set up, Lord Thor," the AI said. "That way you can rest. I'll make sure the baby can't crawl in to wake you up."

"Thank thee, JARVIS," Thor said. He headed for his bed to rest. He would catch up with everyone the next day.

Clint got comfortable and turned on the tv to relax and destress. There was one blip of an alarm but it was quickly shut up. "JARVIS, is that a problem?"

"Dr. Banner just knocked himself senseless," the AI said. "He's fine and the baby's fussing about him while Mr. Stark checks on him."

"Great. Let me know if I'm needed."

"I will."

Clint went back to tv. Animal planet had cute things that didn't require thinking about. That's just what he needed tonight.

***

Clint had the baby under one arm, a duffle bag on his other shoulder, and a look on his face that boded ill will when he ran into James the next morning. "We're evacuating the kid to the park in case Loki comes back. Grab a jacket, it's windy."

"Why?" James demanded.

"Because it's good for him and if Loki shows up we have a better chance of defeating him in the park by making all the toddlers pounce him for a story," Clint shot back sarcastically. Alex was giggling. "Yup, we're going to let you pee on trees like a normal little guy, Alex. We can work on that walking stuff too."

"Don't encourage that," Bruce called from the kitchen. "We'll all be sorry when he starts to run and walk."

"Ditto," Stark agreed before drinking some coffee. "Have fun, kiddo. We'll be there later."

Alex cooed at him. "Toto!" Tony grinned at him.

Clint looked down at him. "Why does everyone but me have a name?" The baby patted him with a spit covered hand. "Fine. You'll figure it out." He took him down to the secure parking lot. James came off the elevator muttering swears. "Cap's coming in an hour to save you," he said dryly. "It's only an hour. Unless you wanna be a baby daddy?" He hitched the baby into his seat and got in to drive. James got into the passenger side, looking back at the baby. Alex was happily humming today. "Yes, he likes music. The more up-tempo the better." He pulled out and headed for the park. The baby squealed once he spotted trees. He was wiggling to get out of his seat.

"Two minutes," Clint ordered. He parked and let the baby out. "Okay, we'll go visit trees. Calm down!" He let James grab the bag to check over. James nodded at the weapons stuffed between the diapers and wipes, plus bottles. Clint carried him off, taking him to a clear place with grass and trees to sit against. The baby got put onto the grass and squealed as he crawled around. "See, I'm your favorite uncle for a reason, kiddo." The baby spotted a dog and stared, drooling some. "No, leave the doggy alone. We don't know that dog." He pulled him closer to check his diaper. "I'm so glad you're not peeing so much today."

James looked around, then took the kid to look at. "You're. Loud." The baby squealed louder and leaned forward to gum on his nose. "Sure, crawl. Stay with us." He put him down. The baby crawled off. Clint got him to bring him back. The diaper bag got put down in the baby's way to make him change direction. That helped because he spotted a tree he wanted to pet for a while. James shook his head. "He's so weird."

"All kids are weird. They're learning everything." Clint glanced around then back at the baby.

A woman with a baby came over. "Aww, are you two together? He's a cute son."

Clint grinned. "The baby's his, I'm just being a good uncle so the mom can sleep in today."

She cooed. "That's sweet of you. Is he supposed to be eating bugs?"

"Nope." Clint hopped up to grab the baby and remove the worm from his mouth. "You're not a bird. I'd know if you were a bird." He sat down again, letting Alex stare at the woman's baby. He finally let out a squeal. The little girl answered with her own. "Very friendly, nephew." He grinned at her.

"He's adorable." She looked at her daughter. "He's very sweet, just like you are." The baby got put down and they looked at each other. Alex got free and crawled over to figure out this new person. The little girl let him pat because she got to pat back. "That's very nice of you, Amanda." That same person jogging with their dog came back and Amanda crawled off looking determined. "Where are you going?" the mother asked, following her.

"She spotted the dog," Clint said.

She looked at her daughter. "You're too young for dogs. They could hurt you or lap you or something."

Clint watched Alex crawl over to where the dog was peeing. "Alex, let the dog use his diaper," he called.

The dog barked and sniffed the baby, licking him. The owner shook his head, taking the dog off. Alex squealed and tried to follow but nope, she was too fast. He pouted at Clint, pointing and sniffling.

"Ask Uncle Tony and Mom when we get home," Clint said dryly. "C'mere." He patted his lap. "Come help Daddy do stuff. He's got stuff and stories." Alex pouted at them. Clint got up. Alex laughed and crawled off. Clint caught him a few feet later and brought him back. "You need to be bigger to run away or play tag, little guy." He sat down.

"Dadada?" Alex said, staring at him.

"What? Want a story? I don't tell great ones but sure." He pulled him over to sit in front of him, staring at the baby while he told him a story in Russian. It probably wasn't kid appropriate and he wouldn't traumatize the normal kid. The baby grinned at him for it. "You're really strange."

Amanda's mom laughed. "All babies are weird. Let's go have nummies, Amanda. You need to nurse." She waved the baby's hand. "He's sweet. Bye." She walked off talking to Amanda about other babies. Socialization is important.

Clint looked at James, who was shaking his head. "Nurse?" James asked.

"She's breastfeeding."

James shuddered. "I don't think the kid needs to see that."

"He's tried a few times," Clint said dryly. "Including to Bruce. He got Steve the other night on the couch. JARVIS caught film of it." He grinned. "And of him trying to get Mom one night while he was napping on her."

"I can't imagine her doing that," James said, looking at his son. He looked like he was concentrating. "What are you thinking so hard about?" Clint sighed and pulled over the duffle bag to pull out the stuff he'd need to change him. "That's..."

"Him laying a load. A huge load by how red his face is. Or we've fed him cheese." He waited until the baby sighed in pleasure to pull him over to change him. As soon as the fountain of pee started he aimed him at the tree next to them. It'd only help the tree. Alex giggled at that. Once he was done, Clint flipped him over again to wipe his butt and powder it then put on a new diaper. He let Alex crawl off without pants but the baby fussed. "See, now you know why you need to wear pants. That way you don't want to streak." He put pants on him and let him go back to crawling around the grass. He got up to toss out the diaper because James was looking disgusted.

"That was really nasty," James said.

"They can get worse," Clint complained. "Much worse." James shuddered. Steve strolled over sipping from a bottle of water. "That's not Cap," he said, grabbing the kid while James grabbed weapons. "Loki."

Loki changed back, staring at him. "I don't want him."

"Funny, he tends to draw chaos," Clint said. James tried to pounce him but he disappeared. "He's queen of the mind fucks," Clint said, glancing around. He pointed. "Sparkly so he's there." He looked up as Iron Man landed on top of the sparkly spot to break it. "Thanks."

"Welcome," he said, looking at the unconscious god of chaos. "I think we'll have some fun with you." SHIELD agents came jogging over. "He went boom." He walked over to the staring kid, staring down at him. "Hey, Alex." He patted him on the head. "That's a good boy."

Alex reached up to pat the hand on him then he looked at his father. "Dadadadada?"

"No, my metal hand's not like his," Tony said, waving it. Alex stared at the guy in the iron suit then babbled and patted it. "We can look at the armor at home, kid." He flew off. Alex squealed about that.

James shook his head. "He's going to grow up really strange."

"And really smart," Clint said. The agents were bundling Loki up. "Be careful, people. Remember, he's sneaky and has illusion skills." They stared at him and nodded. One frowned at the baby. Clint grinned. "This is the kid Avenger."

"Clearly," that agent said. "Congrats, Hawkeye."

"Not mine. I'm a good uncle."

"Oh, dear. It's Stark's?"

"Nope."

"The Captain wouldn't...." Clint shook his head. "Banner?" Clint smirked. "Romanoff had a kid?"

"Someone made him in a lab," James said dryly. She stared at him then flinched.

"He's under Coulson's firm control," Clint ordered. "Ask Hill." She called in a babbling report about them. Clint looked at James. "They haven't been that excited since a few caught Thor shirtless."

"I'm not built like him. I know some guys who'd think about man sex thanks to him."

"Definitely," Clint agreed. They gathered the baby up and stood up. "C'mon, we'll let your Uncle Tony teach you about the suit. Maybe someday he'll make you one of your own."

"My son is not going to be a heroic sort," James ordered.

"You saw that video where he came back, right?" Clint said with a grin.

"I did. I'll yell more than he thought I was then if he turns into an Avenger." He followed Clint off. They ran into Coulson, who took the baby from Clint. "He's obviously peeing again."

Coulson nodded. "He does that a lot. We can change him at the car." They walked off. The SHIELD agents were all staring in horrified awe at them. He ignored it. Rumors ran SHIELD. Within a day they'd have him being an Asgardian and immortal too.

Fury stomped over while they were changing the giggling baby. "Great, he's loud."

"Wilhelmina said all babies are loud. If they're not, there's a problem," Clint said dryly. "He's missing his diaper changing and ball spraying robot."

"Stark?" Fury guessed.

"Yup," Clint said dryly. "It's very helpful." The baby pouted at them when he got redressed. Clint smiled and waved. "Into the carseat so you can ask Uncle Tony about his suit." The baby got put into the carseat, even though he fussed and whined and wiggled.

"Calm down, Alex. We're going home. You can roam after Mom." He finished hitching him in and stood up. "Have fun with Loki, sir."

"Are you coming back, Coulson?"

Phil stared at him. "I would've killed everyone who had touched the kid." He closed the door and walked around to get in the other side in the back. "Who's driving?"

"Me," Clint said. "I'm not sure if Barnes can." He got in to drive. Barnes got into the front, shaking his head. The baby was still fussing. "Want to drive out for lunch first?" he suggested, starting the engine and backing out.

"Please. Car rides are supposed to knock kids out," Coulson said. That and telling them stories was all he understood about kids. Alex was a great learning environment for him too. Clint drove off and the baby was still fussy. Clint drove them downtown and it was better. All the sights made the baby stare. The lights made him coo. Then Clint paused long enough to get him some applesauce from a small store. That made him happier when his uncle fed him and he still got to see all the sights. He finally fell asleep and the three guys all sighed in pleasure. Clint took him home, letting Coulson carry him upstairs.

Coulson handed the baby to his mother and smiled. "We went for a drive."

"I realize all males like cars," she said.

"And lights," Clint quipped. "Times Square was a big hit."

"That's good," she said, looking down at him. "A nap is a very good idea." The baby stretched out on her shoulder, sucking his thumb with some of her hair. "Fine, we will sit and read." She got comfortable on the couch with him on her shoulder. Wilhelmina came out but she waved her off. "He's sleeping."

"That's always a great thing," the nanny said with a smile. "Let me know when you're tired of the drool." She walked off. "I'll be doing his laundry."

"I think I got one of his t-shirts in with mine," Clint said, going to get it for her. She smiled at him for it. Clint collapsed in his chair, turning on the tv but turning it down when Natasha glared at him. He put his feet up and relaxed.

Nick Fury showed up an hour later, scowling. "He's still in custody." He stared at the motherly looking assassin and the one next to her. "Did we really deprogram him?" he asked with a point at James.

"Yes," Coulson said. "I've gotten a full debrief from him." He held up the USB key with his report on it. Fury took it, shaking his head. "He can figure out how much attention he wants to pay to the baby and the rest of us." He smirked a tiny bit. "We don't expect you to move in if you don't want to."

"Thanks. Nearby but not here." He looked at the baby. "I think he's up. He's peeing again. Your shirt's wet." She put down her book and took the baby to change both of them. The diaper changing robot scurried after her. James sighed and shook his head. "That's still too weird for my kid."

The baby came crawling out naked and grinned at this new person, hugging him around his ankle while peeing on him.

"He must like you, sir. He did it to the rest of us when he met us," Clint said. He heard the fart and sent a text at Stark to send up a cleaning robot or two. Stark said he was watching it on the security camera.

The diaper changing robot trundled out to pick up the baby, blowing air at him to make him laugh as he carried him off. The suction tube went over his tiny penis to contain the stream of pee and Natasha handed their former boss some paper towels.

Fury wiped off the biological deposits then looked at his assassins. "Do you really want to do mommy duty?"

"We have the nanny, who does much of that for me," she said with a smile. "Though Clint is very good at it as well."

"Boooooooo!" Alex squealed.

"And he does love his uncles, including Dr. Banner." Bruce came out looking like the baby had gotten him up. "You can not let him get away with things, Bruce."

"I was done with my nap anyway." He looked at the smiling boy. "Did you have a good day?" The baby babbled baby noise at him, cuddling him around the throat. "Let's make some tea. You need to learn how to do that properly." He walked around Fury.

Clint looked at Natasha when she sat down. "Everyone has a name but me."

"I'm not sure why since he spends so much time with you," she admitted. "I'll teach him yours." He grinned at her.

"Booooooooooo!" Alex squealed.

"If you're feeding him, he's like a cat," James called.

"I know. I think that's why he likes to follow me to the lab." Phil walked in and took the baby. "He's fine, Agent Coulson."

"I know but I was going to help him calm down." He put the baby down and was getting onto the floor with him when the baby suddenly crawled off looking determined. "He has that same look on his face, Natasha." She sighed and grabbed weapons, going after the baby. Coulson got helped up by Clint and they followed with James and Fury. They found Pepper struggling with some thugs and stepped in to save her. Coulson looked at the one he had punched. "What was the point of your visit today?"

"We'll still win," he said, reaching for something.

Natasha took the baby away from Bruce as he started to change, handing him to Coulson to evacuate. The Hulk wasn't used to Coulson yet. He might think he was a threat. The abductors/idiots/whatever they were, they were scared of the Hulk. One even nicely peed. The diaper changing robot came down to help clean him up too. That made Pepper start to laugh until she nearly cried. Clint walked her off to hand her to Tony, who had been knocked out thanks to a flash grenade. It had disabled a good bit of the AI as well. Natasha looked at them. "What were you planning to do?" They yelled and tried to scoot away from the Hulk. "I require the answers in a language I understand, and I do speak a number of them but not that one. Try again." She stared at them. "Hulk, please stomp on this one's hand. He has a bomb switch," she said with a point.

"Hulk stomp," he agreed, doing that. The guy screamed as his hand was broken in multiple places. "Good stomp."

"Very good stomp," Clint agreed, patting him on the arm. "So, guys, an answer? Three of us are assassins and one of us is a spook. Then there's the Hulk. Which one do you want to save you?"

"We were going to take her hostage to get the Iron Man suit," one shouted. "Please don't hurt me!"

"We'll see," Natasha said, pulling him up. James searched him and the others. They disabled the bombs and handed them to Fury, who had called people to arrest them.

Once everything was calm again, Fury looked at Natasha. "It's only made you meaner."

She smiled slightly. "Thank you." She strolled off. "Let me check on the son. Before he hears another alarm from JARVIS."

"We have *got* to teach him better," Barnes complained loudly. "He is not allowed to become heroic!"

Clint shrugged. "Make sure you start early once he can understand instructions. Before we give him my bow, Cap's shield, and his mom's guns." He grinned. "Or make sure he hangs out with more chaos mage sorts."

"I don't think I could take magic either," he admitted with a scowl. Steve and Thor came rushing off the elevator. "All gone, guys."

"What happened?" Steve demanded, looking around then at him.

"People who wanted the suit tried to take Pepper hostage. The kid heard that silent alarm since JARVIS is partially down." He nodded back at Fury.

"Director, do we need to make any plans?"

"So far they're begging for mercy," he said. "The Hulk broke one's switch and hand." Clint grinned.

Steve nodded. "That's great. Is Pepper okay?" he asked Clint, who nodded and pointed. "Thanks. Let me check on her. Thor, are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I would help if I'm here," he reminded them. They all nodded. "Then let us check on the baby and Pepper. I'm sure the Man of Iron is busy soothing her."

"He got knocked out first," Clint said. "It knocked out the AI."

"Great," Steve muttered. "We need to guard against that. Why hasn't Tony done that before?" He walked off.

"Probably hasn't come up," Clint said. "Or it's set on standby and didn't have time to come up." They watched as Alex crawled off the elevator by himself and headed for Thor to cuddle his leg, grinning up at him. "So," he said, looking at James. "Did you do any research on those chaos mages who used to consider him a fantasy being they could crush on?"

"I did. The two that are known to be here and using magic are both in the city for some reason. Chad DeFloa is a bit worrisome."

"Loki's high priest?" Thor asked.

Both male assassins stared at him. He changed back to Loki. "I had no idea why he was doing so and I really did come to see what my minions were screwing up." He tried to disappear but the baby stopped him. He sighed, looking down at the grinning baby. "Let. Go." He shook him but the baby bit him, making him yelp. "Child!" Clint punched him. He huffed. "You were a terrible minion anyway." Clint decked him again but Loki almost managed to get out of the way. The baby giggled and pulled something out of his shirt. The nice one had given it to him. He banged it on Loki's leg. Clint spotted it and took it, using it to fire on the idiot bad guy. Loki went down clutching his stomach, glaring at him. "We'll see who pays for that."

"I can kill you," Clint offered. "Thor will grieve a bit but not that much. He already thought you were dead."

"You will not and cannot do so." He tried to stand but the baby crawled up him and sat on his head. "What are you doing!" James grabbed the baby and walked off to talk to his strange little son. Loki stood up. "That child is very wrong."

"He's from another realm and all chaos mages thought he was the greatest thing ever," Clint said with a smirk. "Including the you there's high priest." He shot the laser at him again. Loki faded out. So Clint hit him with a dye pack. That helped the invisibility thing stop. Steve came back up to pounce on Loki from the stair entrance. Natasha came back up to help as well. Bruce was still calming down. They wouldn't need him right now. Clint grinned. "Welcome back to New York, Loki. How was your visit?"

"Not as charming as the last time," he sneered. "You're still a pathetic minion."

"That's because I was already Coulson's minion. He's the only one I listen to. My whole SHIELD file says that. Should've read it first."

Coulson cleared his throat. "Boys, let's make sure he cannot escape and he cannot cause any more problems."

"I can have someone deliver something harsh and street drug-ish then sell him to the Russian mafia," Natasha suggested. "He's pretty enough and they'd like to have someone like him."

Steve looked at her. "That's cruel. We can just hurt him a whole lot and then hand him back for their super prison holding."

"Pity. I could gain some new contacts if I sold him." She changed her stance. "There's the Yakuza. Some of them might like him as well."

Clint shook his head. "Not really. The Russians run the toughest brothels out there." He stared down at Loki, smirking at him. "I could actually get behind that plan."

"That's too evil," Coulson ordered.

"Fine," Clint complained. "It'd pay him back nicely for the mind control thing he did."

Stark came off the elevator with two tubes and an airgun. He shot both vials into Loki's neck. "One's a tracker. If he shows up here, we'll know where he is. It's rated for at least a human lifetime and probably won't break down to more than radiation. We haven't tested it in more than mice. The other's a good behavior encourager. Each time I hit the switch, he gets zapped." He handed it to Natasha, who smiled and set it off. Loki screamed. "See?" Stark said with a smirk.

"I like it," Clint said, nodding some. "A lot. Almost nicer than handing him to a brothel run by the mob."

"There is a certain elegance to getting rid of people that way," Natasha agreed. The baby came back cooing and happy but James was following to grab him again. "He's stubborn."

"I can tell."

Stark took the kid. "You don't want to play with that bad guy, Alex. He's mean to your Uncle Clint." He pointed at him. "You like that one too much to let him get booboos from that bad guy. We'll get you a better bad guy to play with. I'm sure there's some somewhere in the city." He walked off talking to him. "Do you want a mean gang boy sort of bad guy? Or a bad girl? Or do you want a magic using bad guy? We might be able to find one of those with Thor's help." The baby was babbling and patting him, looking happy.

Natasha considered it. "I don't know many I'd trust to be around him but I do know a few who would fit at least that first category." She looked at Clint, who shrugged. "Madeline?"

"She's not really a gang member. Cult member, yes, but not a gang," he said, frowning a tiny bit. "But her brother's nicer and he's religious but uptight and thinks he's the Second Coming. Could do the kid some good to learn about religious stuff some day."

She nodded. "It may. Though it might warp him." She shook her head. "I wouldn't mind Madeline but her sexual domination cult would have to be left there so they couldn't influence the child into wanting sex slaves when he's old enough."

James shook his head. "I know a few semi-decent mob daughters," he offered sarcastically. "I had to take out their fathers."

"With the way the kid likes bad guys, introduce them," Clint quipped. "He might really like them."

Natasha nodded. "At least they'd be able to protect themselves if something happened." James was giving her a strange look. "He'll have to be able to protect himself."

"Yeah, but not yet. He's too young for target practice."

She smirked a tiny bit. "We can start with the less lethal childhood versions by Nerf."

"All kids like Nerf," Clint agreed. "They even make a bow one."

James looked at him then at Natasha. "We could make him go into medicine. All of our kind need understanding doctors who know what they're doing."

"True, and he's probably going to be fairly smart. I can see that being his career of choice with the way he likes to fuss over people." Fury moaned and walked off, having the agents take Loki now. She and Clint shared a smirk then she smiled at James, who walked off shaking his head.

Steve shook his head quickly. "I can almost see him doing that." He walked off rubbing his forehead. For some reason he had a headache.

"We can teach him medical stuff soon," Clint said. "Teaching him how to apply bandaids and bandages can be done early on."

"It can," Natasha agreed, walking off with him. "We should plan to nudge him in that direction while making him think it's his own idea."

"Yeah, he's got your stubbornness so if we push he'll go the other direction and might end up one of those priests who rides a Harley to convert bikers at rallies."

She shook her head. "I'd hope not." They went to calm down for a bit and check on Bruce. They could help him calm down.

***

Alex was crawling around in circles the next morning when everyone got up. Wilhelmina was crashed on the couch. The baby was being quiet but happy crawling around in circles. There wasn't anything he was playing with, no toys on the floor with him, just him going around in pretty precise circles.

Stark came out still half asleep and stared. "JARVIS, any sign of magic?" he asked quietly.

"No, not that I can find, sir."

"How long has he been doing that?"

"He should be dizzy by now. It's been forty-four and a half minutes," the AI reported.

Natasha was watching then sighed. "Son?" He looked up and blinked at her, grinning at her. But he was still crawling in circles. "Did someone curse you, son?" She picked him up but he struggled to get down and go back to his route. "Thor?" she called. He came out stretching and yawning, and without a shirt. "Is there magic around him?"

Wilhelmina blinked up at her. "No. Though he might be trying to summon something. Willow came back again last night." Alex scowled at her. "How many more laps do you have for the mystical thousand and one?" He snorted and went back to it.

Thor picked the baby up to stare at him. "There's easier ways to summon things, Alex." The baby beamed at him and blew a spit bubble. He put him back down. Now he was crawling in the opposite direction. Yup, there was magic. "He's doing something." They could all feel the magic building. "Alex, if you summon them here, will something bad happen?" he asked.

Suddenly a man appeared. He was overly thin, balding, and looked pissed off. He stared at the baby. "Why. Did. You. Call. Me?"

The baby stared at him then smiled and patted him on the leg. "Baba!" He grinned at Thor then at the stranger again. "Baba."

The man picked him up and laid his fingertips on the baby's head with a sigh of disgust. "Oh, them. I'm going to rend Rosenburg into witch fat candles." Alex scowled at him. "I don't know why she came to complain to you about the upcoming apocalypse battle they're going through. She knows you can't do anything and it'll just make you feel miserable."

Wilhelmina sat up. "She probably didn't think about that, Lord."

He stared at her. "You're..." He pointed at Stark. "Working for him?"

She grinned. "I'm Alex's nanny."

He handed him over. "He's damp." He looked at Thor. "I'll handle Rosenburg." Alex was still scowling at him. "I won't kill her. I'll let her *coven* do that. And I'll protect Dawn," he sighed when the baby started to fuss. He slumped and shook his head. "I hate owing you three life debts."

Alex leaned over to slobber on him. "Baba." He grinned. "Baba." He pointed at Thor. "Bababababa."

He read his intent then smirked. "I doubt I could pull Loki to our world, Alex," he said dryly. "Though it'd be nice. It might even be a good thing for a few of the slayers. At least then the chaos mages would have someone to follow instead of you." He patted him on the head. "Grow up with better fashion taste and more sense, okay?" The baby laughed at him. "I know, that might not be possible."

"We're working on the clothing issues but he's still him," Wilhelmina said dryly. "He pounced the Hulk to try to get his favorite uncle back."

The mage stared at her then shook his head. "Damn. I didn't think even Xander was *that* weird." He disappeared.

Wilhelmina smirked at the baby. "Tell. Me. I'll help you call. Okay? I have a phone that'll do that." The baby cuddled and cooed at her, grinning at his mom. "I hate your ex's," she muttered, standing up. "Let's change you then your mom can ask you about your former lover, who was a higher level chaos mage." She carried him off.

Thor shook his head quickly. "I could tell the power." He headed for the kitchen. "We need food."

"We need to detox the baby from his former life," Natasha said, looking at Stark.

"If I knew how to do that," he said dryly.

Wilhelmina came out with the semi-naked baby. "There's over sixty poker debts he's owed and it can always help you guys." She held him up in front of Bruce so he could see the baby's back. "Cortizone?"

He ran a finger over the bumps. "Fleas."

"Cortizone," she decided, taking him to put that on his rash then get him dressed.

Bruce frowned. "How did we get fleas?"

"Hellhound seeing eye dog," she called back. "The damn dog thinks he's the best toy ever. They all do."

"Is there one living here?" Stark asked.

Wilhelmina carried Alex out, smiling at him. "One of your lawyers has him as her seeing eye dog, Mr. Stark."

"Oh. Is that bad? Do I need more coffee before I go tell Pepper?"

"No. It's very protective and they're all very protective of the baby."

He nodded, walking off to grab coffee. "That's good."

Natasha looked at her. "What help would his former poker debts be?"

"Well, you can win weapons," she said dryly. "He won a few notable ones over the years." Natasha's eye almost twitched. She smiled. "He could also sell someone to them. A lot of demons would like that." She carried the baby into the kitchen, putting him into his highchair. "Let me make you breakfast, Alex." Clint handed over a piece of his toast. The baby grinned and gummed it. "That'll work for a few minutes, so thank you, Clint."

"I like the little guy, weird stuff and all."

"This is probably only half as bad as Xander used to be. He once had two imps show up to ask his opinion on a royal imp wedding because the queen wasn't sure which one she wanted to marry. They wanted a 'normal guy' opinion so asked him." She looked at him. "He started a civil war by saying neither one of them were worthy of her because they hadn't proved themselves worthy. Their camps started a war against each other so the princes could be worthy. Xander heard and showed up to remind them that pointless wars didn't prove a man's worth, them going in single combat did. That way no innocents could be hurt.

"They managed to kill each other and Xander pointed at one of the knights and suggested him because he was hideous, which imps like, and he was clearly honorable and a strong warrior, which meant no one would want to overthrow her for stupid reasons. Then he gave her a pointed look and then at the people suffering. Lo and behold," she finished with a grin. "The knight said he could only marry a maiden who believed in helping people, which she was nowhere near. So he set his brother and her up while she learned how to actually help her people. They're still at peace five years later." She went back to warming up oatmeal and formula.

Clint looked at the baby. "Are you actually a Barton?" The baby gummed on his toast, staring at him.

"It's possible," Wilhelmina shot back with a grin for him. "Are you from that other realm too?"

"Not likely." He sipped his coffee. Stark was shaking his head.

"Not even you could handle that level of weirdness," Natasha said as she sat beside her son.

Coulson cleared his throat. "He can be an honorary Barton. Perhaps it'll slow things down. Clint's usual weird things can counteract Alex's."

Natasha looked at Clint. "I'm already an honorary uncle," he said dryly. "I love the little peeing guy." Alex squealed but it was because his breakfast was ready. "I think he doesn't like me."

"I think he does. He pees on you less than anyone else," Natasha said.

James was shaking his head but he walked off before he said anything too mean. He didn't want to have his ass kicked this morning.

***

Alex looked around then huffed. One of his uncles felt bad. The uncle person had felt bad for days. He crawled off to find him, even though his nanny didn't want him to. She was scowling. He scowled back and continued his search. There he was and the nice voice from the ceiling opened the door for him. His uncle looked over at him. He crawled up to him, headbutting his leg.

"What's up, Alex?" Clint asked, picking him up. The baby leaned over to bite him on the cheek. "Hey! If you're going to be mean to me I'm not going to play with you anymore." The baby huffed. "What's wrong?" The baby put his head on his shoulder. "Need a nap?" he joked. "I guess I'm comfy for that."

"Mama."

Clint looked at him. "I'm not quite built that way, little guy." He sat on the bed, letting Alex cuddle him. He patted him on the back then had to get up to clean up the spit up the baby had sent down his shoulder. "Eww." He cleaned them both up and looked at him once he had taken off his t-shirt. "What's wrong? You only go looking for people when they're in trouble." Alex stared at him. Then he smirked at him. "Is that 'I need a new diaper' or I'm being sneaky?" Alex patted him on the arm. "Why don't I have a cute name?"

"Mama." He beamed.

"I'm still not Natasha, Alex," he said dryly. Alex leaned closer and he had to catch him before he fell. Alex stared at a scar, patting it while looking up at him. Clint looked then at him. "Got shot by someone in Lithuania." Alex gummed on it while staring at him. Clint sighed. "Don't do that." He sat down. The baby crawled into his comfy spot and cooed at him, playing with the soft hair. "I like you too. So why did you come see me?" The baby didn't answer but kept cooing at him. "Sure, I needed the cuddle." The baby bit him on the neck, making him yelp. "Gee, thanks, kiddo. So much for mushy feelings."

Alex grinned at him. "Mama."

"No, not the mom."

"You make a better mother than I do," Natasha said from the doorway. "Alex, want changed?"

"I think he's okay," Clint said.

"It's not fair he doesn't pee on you," she complained.

"I think it means he doesn't like me." Alex bit him again. "Ow!" He pulled him off, handing him over. The baby grinned at him. "You're mean."

Wilhelmina walked in and stared at the baby then at Clint. "He thinks you're just like him only bigger." She took the baby off to clean him up. He was drooling more than a St. Bernard.

The two assassins shared a look. "I guess that's nice, especially since he was calling me mom," Clint quipped.

Natasha shook her head quickly. "I do not want to imagine seeing you pregnant, Clint." She walked off shaking her head.

"I'd make a fantastic mom," Clint said quietly. "I might even breastfeed." Then he shook his head. "I don't need that mental image either." He laid down for a nap before that image stuck. He could almost see his stomach swollen and Natasha running her nails over it while he laid in a hospital bed.

***

Alex looked around the table that night, then stared at his mother. "Mama?" She smiled, giving him a bite of her noodles. He turned his head. "Mama!"

"I'm right here, son." He scowled at her. "I am." He went babbling 'mama' over and over. She sighed. "Son, please?" She caught a clue. "Clint, dinner!" she yelled. He came in yawning a few minutes later. The baby babbled and reached for him.

Clint stared at him. "Still not the mom." He gave him a hug and the baby grinned, accepting the noodles by grabbing them from his mother's fork. He sat down, pulling over the bowls so he could eat.

"When did he start calling you mom?" Tony asked, grinning at him.

"This morning. He decided I needed a cuddle and called me mom. He bit me a few times too." He looked at the kid. "I had really strange dreams thanks to that."

"How bad?" Steve asked, smiling at the baby and handing him a piece of broccoli to gum on.

"Stark rescued me from a lab that stole me from SHIELD and implanted everything. He had to go through you to get to Nat and by the time she found out I was nearly seven months along but not showing all that much. I was unconscious in a speciality hospital, not sure if they were keeping me down or not. I woke up to her patting my stomach after tracing the bump with her fingernails."

She tested his forehead. "You're not running a fever."

"I didn't have anything like that before the kid started to call me mom." The baby was grinning at him. "We love you anyway, kiddo. Even when you give me weird dreams." The baby giggled and kicked, gumming on his food. Clint looked around then at Natasha. "Wilhelmina out?"

"She got called out by her boss," Stark said. "We can babysit tonight." Clint shrugged but nodded and dug in. The baby threw something at Clint, making him look up. The baby grinned. Clint grinned back. The baby went back to eating until Clint looked down. "You might want to move," Stark warned.

Clint and Natasha shifted seats. The baby cooed at Clint, petting his hair with his messy, damp hand. "Thanks, Alex," Clint said, looking at him. "Maybe I should bring you out to help me find women to date." The baby grinned and petted him some more. Clint gave him a hug. That stopped the petting because Bruce gave him more noodles to suck on. That made him a happy baby.

Natasha smiled but shook her head. "Perhaps you're a brother to him."

"Maybe," Clint quipped. "He sounds a lot like I used to be." When they were done eating, they put the baby down, letting him crawl off toward the loud area. Bruce was watching the news so the baby went to stare at the loud thing that was making his uncle unhappy. Clint and Natasha cleaned up the dinner mess, including putting the dishes into the dishwasher. Then they walked out to grab the baby, making him squeak.

They settled on a couch to read their books with the baby crawling between them to be read to whenever he wanted to change. Bucky got a few stares by the baby for looking at a newspaper, but the baby didn't want to give up the cuddly ones he had. He ended up resting on his uncle's chest, watching him read. His was a happier story. Clint was drifting off too so that was nice. Alex cuddled in for a good nap.

Steve looked back at the unhappy noise, smiling. He kicked Bucky, nodding back there. That got everyone else's attention. Stark took pictures through his AI. Bruce was trying not to grin. Alex was very nicely trying to get a free meal off his uncle's nipple. Steve looked at the others, who all shrugged. They had no idea if they should wake Clint up or not. Steve coughed loudly because the baby still sounded really unhappy he wasn't getting anything from his chosen natural source.

Clint jerked but stared down at the baby. "I love you dearly, Alex, but those don't give milk," he said quietly, breaking the suction with a finger. "Sorry, little guy. Not for you to suck on." He cuddled the grumpy baby. Natasha woke up with a small flinch. "Here, let's put you down so you can sleep."

Natasha looked at him. "I think he's awake." She took him to cuddle. "Let's get you changed and into jammies, Alex." The baby fussed. "You can nap in my room for a bit." That made him happier. Natasha carried him off to bathe him. "What were you doing that woke me?"

"I woke up to him nursing," Clint called.

"He's little, he doesn't know that men don't produce milk. I'm sure it's a normal thing," she said, staring at her son. "It's a nice thing even though you are not nursed." She got him changed and they curled up together to read to him. It made him quit fussing. She drifted off reading to him. It was a quiet night and she needed the rest. She didn't feel that Alex decided to see if she gave milk while he slept.

***

Wilhelmina showed back up in a slight sparkly column, then shrugged when Steve and Bucky stared at her. "One of my coworkers is an idiot." She smiled. "Alex do okay?"

"He's napping on his mom. He fell asleep to her reading," Steve said.

"Awww."

"We caught him nursing on Clint," Bucky said.

"Babies are like college guys, they're all about the boobs," she said, cracking him up. "Even if the boobs can't do much for him." She walked off, peeking into Natasha's room. She smiled, leaving him there. She apparently didn't mind.

Natasha had woken up at the movement of her door but the nanny had left. She looked down, prying her son's mouth off her breast. "Not yours," she told him. "You have a bottle, son." He whimpered and tried to get it back, wiggling closer. She shifted him up so he was on her shoulder. He found her neck to suck on but it wasn't making him happy. "We will work on things," she said quietly. "I'm sorry I'm not the mother you need to be normal." She took him to change and put into his crib. He was a huge mess but it had been hours since he had been changed. He pouted but went back down once she laid him down. She went to shower and go to bed. Thankfully there were no pictures of that.

***

Tony woke up the next morning to a fuzzy feeling that something wasn't right. He blinked around his room: no press people hiding, no Pepper being upset, no Pepper having a hissy fit, no stand-in for Pepper that was trying to not get kicked out of her morning after, or his morning after, or their morning after. So what was wrong? He felt an itchy feeling and a slight tug, looking at his chest. "So that's what woke me," he said, rubbing over the baby's head.

"Kiddo, you're on a bottle, not one of those." He tried to pull him off but the baby had Barton level stubbornness this morning, if not Rogers level stubbornness. He called Pepper. "How did the baby climb in with me? Because you know everything, Pepper, and I can't get him off me. No, not pulling hair. Well, yes, pulling some chest hair. Yes, he is," he said when she guessed the problem. "Okay, I can do that. Thanks." He hung up and took a picture for her. It was sweet of the kid. He wiggled a finger into the baby's mouth and used the lack of super suction to get free. "There, that's nicer. And hey, you didn't pee on my bed like you do yours." He picked him up.

Alex blinked at him. "Toto?"

"Yup, it's me, Alex. You climbed in with me. How did you do that?" The baby leaned over to cuddle around his neck. He let him but got them both up before the baby decided to pee heavily on them. He'd do it in retaliation for taking away his nipple pacifier this morning. "Are we missing someone?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen.

"I didn't know we were but Natasha's in the gym with Bucky," Steve said, taking the baby. "He climbed in with you?" The baby was quietly babbling baby noise into his shoulder while he patted him on the back.

"I think he was hungry too," Tony said.

"You can tell by the hickey," Clint said, pointing his coffee mug at Tony's chest. "He's got really good suction."

"Yes he does," Tony said, sitting down. "How did he get out of bed?" They all shrugged. "JARVIS, did you let the baby out of his crib?"

"No," the AI said patiently. He put up security footage from the baby's room. Wilhelmina had put him down in his crib and went to bed. Then a bright, happy glow had lifted him up and out, putting him onto the floor. "I'm afraid I didn't realize your door was open, sir. He tried Dr. Banner's door but it was closed and locked last night."

"I don't really think I'd enjoy waking up to being nursed on," Bruce said into his coffee.

"It feels weird but he's a good little boy," Clint said. "Got mom last night too." The guys all grinned at that.

Natasha walked in, blotting at the sweat on her chest and neck. "Are you up already, son?"

"Yeah, after something took him out of his crib so he could come latch onto my nipple," Tony said.

Natasha stopped moving while making her breakfast to turn and stare at him. "He did?"

"He woke me up nursing," he said with a grin. "Pepper said it was probably adorable."

"Yes, it probably was." She looked at her son, who was snoring on his uncle's shoulder. "We will have to figure out how to break that habit." She got back to making her own breakfast. James walked in and sat down next to Steve, tipping his head to look at the little guy. "He snuck out last night to go nurse on Stark," she said.

"At least he can't give him some funny disease through his milk. I've seen it happen with wet nurses before." He took the baby when the baby stared at him. "What's up?" The baby yawned and rested on his metallic shoulder, going back to sleep for now. "At least you're cuddly today instead of a holy terror."

"Such tiredness usually means he's growing," Wilhelmina said as she walked in. She carefully took the baby and walked off. "I've warded your room so no mean witches from any sort of plane can bother you, Alex. Not even Willow or Dawn." The baby babbled quietly but didn't seem unhappy.

"Do everyone else's room please," Stark called after her.

"I'm going to do that later. I need a few things to do that," Wilhelmina quipped. "He'll love herb shopping later."

"Does he need to know more about magic stuff?" James complained. Clint nodded. "Why?" he demanded.

"Because apparently he's got some gift for it," Tony said to spare Clint. James seemed to be a bit jealous of Clint at times.

Alex got put onto the couch once everyone was done with breakfast, and they let Wilhelmina know that he was there on their way to do their daily things. She came out and found him not there. "JARVIS?" she asked, sounding patient. "Where is he this time?"

"He's been taken down to one of the storage rooms. A little...being, I'm not sure of his classification or nature, brought him down there and said something in a language I did not understand." He ran the tape for her.

She blinked. "Aww, one of his poker buddies died so they're settling his debts. Lead me down to him please." She got onto the elevator and went down to a room that was about as large as a gym. She walked in and the hiding spell ended when she waved it away and broke the crystal holding it. "Which poker debt died?" she asked the cooing baby. He was cooing while petting some of his new weapons. "Was it a big poker debt, or one of the medium ones?"

"If you did not hear it in that film, I'm not certain," JARVIS said dryly. "Are those all weapons?"

"No. That's a body part," she said with a point. "If you combine it with the right stuff it'll make things that explode."

"I should tell Mr. Stark."

"Tell his mom first please. She'll probably be able to do an inventory." She walked over the few piles of things to pick up Alex. He pouted at her and grunted, pointing at the weapons. "You can pet them while your parents do an inventory. Okay?" She smiled. "I wonder if I can get your copy of _What To Do With Demon Parts_." She called her boss from her cellphone. "Boss, which poker debt died and paid off the kid?" She nodded at what he said. "Okay, so a medium one. Do we have a copy of his demon parts manual? His preferably since it'd have enhanced notes? We have a few here and I'm not sure how to store them. Thank you." She hung up and caught the book a minute later. She grinned at the baby, who cooed and patted it. "That's right, you wrote this. You're very good at this sort of thing."

Clint leaned in the door and whistled. "Damn."

"One of his higher poker debts died so they paid him off." She looked at one thing then shook her head. "I don't know why they'd use that. It's taller than two of them stacked together." She smiled, handing him the baby and the book. "He wanted to help you do an inventory."

"Sure.... we can do an inventory," he promised weakly. He walked in, looking around. "Is that an ear?"

"It's in the book," she quipped, walking off to find the others. She found them in the gym. "Natasha, James, Clint and the baby would like to have some help doing an inventory of his former poker debt. One died and paid him off. Anything that's not a weapon should be in the book." She walked off.

The two assassins looked at each other then went to check on the baby and Clint. The baby was cooing and petting the weapons Clint was looking over while he started an inventory list. She started to laugh. "Oh, my," she said finally.

"You're hysterical, Natalya," James said in Russian. "Calm down. Even our son won't like weapons this young."

"Bullshit," Clint quipped. "He's very happy with weapons." He pointed at the baby, who was presently hugging an assault rifle and petting it like it was a pet.

"Jeez," James muttered, coming over. "Son, let's not pet that."

"It's unloaded," Clint said. He handed them sheets and new clipboards appeared thanks to the AI. "Thanks, JARVIS."

"I'll send in the diaper changing robot when he needs it, Agent Barton," the AI said. "Have fun."

Clint moved the baby and the gun. "Here, I'm going to give you your own stack, Alex." He opened a case and checked it over then put two unloaded guns into the case with the launcher tube. "There, pet those for me?" The baby grinned, cooing at them and patting them.

Natasha stared then looked at the baby's daddy. "Which sides does that come from?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "Damn, that's ....that's... we need a picture for whatever sort of baby book he has."

"JARVIS, please take numerous pictures of the cute baby moments," she ordered.

"I'm taking film. You can pick and save down individual frames, Agent Romanoff."

"Thank you." She and James took different parts of the stacks to look over. "Is that an ear?" she asked, spotting it. Clint tossed her the book. "Our son wrote a book on what to do with demon parts." She flipped through it, finding pictures. She found that ear under the 'ears' section, blinking hard. "You can turn that and three other parts into two types of explosives or a metal eating formula?" She looked up. Clint and James both shrugged. "Interesting. It says it should be dried." She checked it. "It is dried. We'll pack it somehow." She put it aside and went back to the inventory they needed to do. Anytime James ran into a part, he handed it to her since she had the book. She'd look them all up later. By the time they got a quarter of the way through, Stark and Rogers were there with Bruce behind them. "Bruce," she said, holding up the book. "It's well sorted by part." She pointed at the part pile. He flipped through it, grimacing. "We have more than enough to make a few different explosive compounds."

"Wow," he said. "Your son was weird in his last life," he decided. He pulled them over to look at them. The AI gave him a clipboard with paper thanks to the diaper changing robot. Alex screamed and refused to give up his weapons when it tried to take him. Bruce looked over. "He likes them more than the ball spraying."

Tony looked over, walking over to pry the baby off. "You need that changed. You can have new weapons when it's done. Okay, Alex?" He grinned. The baby waved a dagger he had in his hand. The robot took him to change and then put him down in a pile of weapons behind his father's back, the stuff he had already done. The baby pounded on a few cases but the robot opened them for him. The baby squealed and climbed on top of something to coo and slobber on. Tony stared. "JARVIS, pictures?"

"Film, sir. You can choose which frames to save down as individual pictures."

"Good. Pepper will like that. It's...too damn adorable for me. I might turn to mush." He went to look at some of the weapons. "At least none were Stark gear," he muttered.

"No Stark in his original realm," Clint quipped. He held up something.

Tony took it to look at. "Like something I developed but not quite." He handed it back and walked off, going to talk to Pepper. Fury was in there nagging her about something. He walked around the desk. "Go away, Fury." He turned on her computer and got into the security footage, letting her see it. "JARVIS said someone paid off an old poker debt in his last life."

She stared. "Are...is that a weapon?" she demanded.

Stark looked at her. "That's a lot of weapons, Pepper, and the baby likes them more than the diaper changing robot." She upped the frame size so she could watch. She was almost smiling but trying to scowl. "We can save down individual pictures."

"I... I want to be upset since they're weapons."

Tony nodded. "Nothing from us." Coulson walked in with Hill. "Coulson, they could use some help inventorying the poker debt." He waved him over to see.

"Awww. His parents must be very proud." He walked off. "Second?"

"Third. By the alternate gym." He looked at Pepper. "He has demon parts that were given to him."

She pointed. "That's a huge red stone and I don't think it's a ruby."

He leaned down to look. "I don't think so either. Huh." He went to look at it.

She turned off the monitor, staring at the director and his second-in-command. "Sorry, the baby's doing cute things." She smiled.

"Can't his nanny handle him?" Fury asked.

"Why? He's fine right now." She smiled. "I don't know what you expect to happen, Director Fury, but we're not interested in many proposals these days. You have a *great* day." Fury snorted but stomped off with Hill following. She turned back on the monitor to watch the baby being adorable. He had a whole stack of weapons to pet and love, and he was trying to kiss a few of the swords for some reason. When a battle axe got put next to him, she could swear she heard the squeal without the camera feed and he instantly flopped over to wrap himself around it and suck on the dual heads. "Awww."

***

Steve carried a fussing, struggling Alex out of the weapons. "It's time for you to eat," he said calmly and quietly. "You've got to eat. You can help with the inventory tomorrow." He handed him to Wilhelmina since she was waiting by the elevator.

"I know you love weapons. You can pet the exploding babies tomorrow, Alex," she said, walking him off to put him into the high chair. His food was already prepared and waiting on him. Even if he did scream and struggle to get away from it. "Alex!" she chided. "You can see them later."

Clint walked in and dropped a demon ear on his high chair tray from behind. Alex cooed and gummed on it. Wilhelmina scowled at him but managed to feed him around it. He was trying to 'feed' the ear but that was a baby for you. Clint grinned at him. "Your mom and you can handle the rest of the pretty things tomorrow. Even the pretty sword with the stones like some ancient knight's." Alex's eyes went wide as he stared at him. "Is that important?"

"Don't know," Wilhelmina said with a slight shrug. "I wasn't into weapons before." She fed the baby another bite of dinner. "Bring it up to let him see it." Natasha brought it up and let him see it. Alex gave up his ear to reach for it. He patted it, frowning some. They all heard the sword giggle. Alex grinned and patted it again. It cooed back. "Is it possessed?" Wilhelmina asked.

"I have no idea how it could be," Natasha said. "I don't understand those rules." They looked at the nanny, who shrugged. "Can we find some way to tell?"

She sighed and put a hand on the sword, grimacing. "Rosenburg needs beaten." The baby squealed, throwing up his hands with a grin. "I know, that's your job. Sire!" she bellowed, feeding him another bite. Alex was cuddling the ear while eating for her.

D'Hoffryn appeared with a sigh, staring at the sword. "It's not Excalibur."

"It's giggling and it feels like a Summers sister," Wilhelmina said dryly. Alex babbled and patted it. It giggled back. "See?" Her boss laid a claw on it and huffed. "Rosenburg?"

"Yes, the fucking bitch," he muttered as he disappeared with the sword.

"Hey!" Alex complained loudly.

"Hey, a real word," Clint said with a grin. A few minutes later, a different but still decorated and pretty, sword showed up for him to play with. It was even sharper. The baby patted it with a coo and begged for food.

The assassins shared a look then shook their heads. "At least your kid is going to be badass," Clint said with a grin for her.

"Yes, he will be. Even if he follows Bruce or Stark into the labs." James and Steve came out of cleaning up together. "The other sword was possessed or something."

James watched his son pet the demon part and the sword. "At least he loved guns just as much." He sat down.

Steve nodded. "Artillery too. How did he get that?"

"Poker debt," Wilhelmina said dryly. "The kitten poker circuit will sometimes even out what you're owed by giving you something of equal value to the cats if you don't need a herd of them. It'd be like giving you a good knife instead of a few dozen bushels of apples." She smiled at Natasha. "That was his third biggest debt owed." She fed him the last of the first bowl and switched to the oatmeal. The baby hummed but ate it while playing with his toys.

"What's the biggest one?" Clint asked.

"It's not technically a poker debt but they won't admit it's a life debt and the guy played a crappy hand of poker to turn it into one. Xander kind of, sort of, killed a huge demon while drunk that was bothering the king's harem." Clint moaned, shaking his head. "And somehow the non-breeding wives sort of went into a breeding frenzy, for the first time in a century, thanks to watching Xander with a battle axe and crossbow." She fed him another bite.

"They all turned out to be daughters, which weren't as wanted, but the one son that was formerly alive pouted himself into straightening himself up because they could name a queen if he was still a little shit when he grew up. So it straightened out a highly important clan in Africa. The people who take bets in Vegas were *very* amused by Xander and his drunken week of hanging out to solve problems that was his vacation between slayers he was training. Especially since he didn't do anything spectacular or unusual, and most of the time didn't realize that he was doing more than taking out something harmful that was trying for him."

She smiled at Natasha. "Technically they owe him three of the daughters by tradition, but he's waved them off since they're not compatible sexually. They lay eggs and Xander doesn't. Though, his ex that ascended to be the Messenger for the Powers That Be, thought it was just so adorable of him and suggested he take one in since he was kind of open minded."

"He slept with demons like you?" Steve asked.

"His almost wife was a former vengeance demon. She had gotten fired. They nearly married but he walked away from her at the altar because her former coworkers showed him how miserable they'd be. Which got her the former job back but he made her go from torturing guys who pissed off or hurt their women to having a conscience and giving it back up." Steve gaped.

She smiled and nodded at the baby, who grinned back. "I know you missed Anya horribly while you were in Africa. Everyone said they hoped you found someone nicer to you than she was. Someone who didn't want to talk you into torturing people with her before having sex." The baby cackled and waved his free hand then used it to pet the sword again. "That's very sweet of you, Alex. Let's hope you find someone nicer this life. Someone who will put up with your amazing stamina."

"He had good stamina?" James asked.

Wilhelmina grinned at him. "He was doing construction work, patrolling, then going home to a very demanding girlfriend who was *very* concerned about how much sex she got - and it was never enough." Alex fussed so she grinned and fed him more. "Are we hungry tonight, sweetheart? Did the weapons make you hungry?" She let him have the rest of the cereal then a bottle of formula. He cooed, curling the hand holding it around the elbow holding his demon ear. "C'mon, I'll take you to the couch so you can lay there and pet them at the same time."

"Put something over the blade please," Natasha said.

"Of course. He'll get cut if I don't." Wilhelmina laid a pillow over the blade but let Alex curl around the hilt while sucking on his bottle and his demon ear being held tight against his chest. "You rest. We'll eat and come play." He cooed, snuggling into the cold metal. "Good boy." She went to make herself a sandwich and walked off. "I'm still sorting his clothes out because he's growing."

Natasha wanted to bang her head on the table but wouldn't do that to herself. She looked at Clint. "Maybe you are related?" she suggested.

"I can treat him like a good little brother," he said with a grin.

"Please. It may calm that down," she said quietly.

"He's not allowed to travel without a bodyguard," James said. "Even when he's an adult. That way he can't drunkenly take on higher demons to kill."

"We've all decided that we're going to be teaching him common sense long before he's a teenager," Steve said, patting his friend on the back.

"We can use Stark's former stable of bimbos to teach the little guy what good girls aren't," Clint said.

"Hopefully that'll work," Steve said. "Any who are dangerous that he'd like?"

"Don't know," Clint said. "Ask Stark."

Tony and Bruce came in. "I heard," Stark said. "Yeah, there's a few." He sat down, leaning over to look at the baby then at them. "JARVIS let us hear that talk." Natasha looked at him. "At least you won't have to worry about a college fund."

She nodded slowly. "I didn't need the help to set one up, but I don't think we can sell many of those weapons."

"No, I'm against selling them, but you can make your former boss pay to use 'em," Stark said with a smirk.

"I'm not against that," she said, looking at James.

"We'll take twenty percent off the top," James said. "The rest goes to his upkeep?"

She nodded. "I could like that plan but he may be heartbroken if he finds out his new friends were taken," she said quietly, looking out at him then at her ex. "I think he's getting attached."

"We need to test one of those recipes," Bruce said.

She nodded. "We have enough to make many of them multiple times." He smiled at Tony, who smirked back, sipping his protein and stuff shake. "Tonight?"

"After he's down. That way he can't help." They got dinner and settled in to eat. Once Alex was down in his crib, still with the demon ear in his hand, they went down to make one of them. It didn't go off so they all walked off. Until the huge explosion went off and started to burn the parking lot with a flame hot enough to melt the concrete under the asphalt, and all the cars that were trapped. Stark stared. "Wow. Must've had a delayed reaction." They watched as the fire department tried to put out the fire.

By the time it was finally burned out, the subway under the street was exposed and some of that tube was cracked from the heat. The water pipeline had been burned through and hadn't helped. The firemen stepped back and relaxed, staring at the hole. Then something reacted to the water and started sending the bits of leftover concrete, asphalt, and rebar into the air as projectile weapons. Stark had a shield to help protect everyone from it. That finally ended an hour later. Stark sighed, looking at Natasha. "I'm wondering what they used it for."

"I do not want to know what needed that," she said. She nodded at the huffy fire chief that came stomping over. "We were trying a recipe we found in a book that was given to a child we care for. It did not say it would do that." Stark opened the book to show him.

The fire chief stared at the recipe then at Stark. "Anything like a controlled environment?"

"I don't have that here. That's in Malibu. I'm sorry. We'll pay to fix it."

The Chief nodded. "I have no doubt you will be, Mr. Stark."

"We only used a quarter of the recipe's strength," Bruce said quietly, rubbing a thumb over one of his eyebrows. "It said it might be explosive. It had a delayed reaction." The Chief stared at him. "That's why we cut down to quarter strength." He shrugged, shifting his stance. "There's Fury, Barton."

"Going," he said, going to distract him. "Director, it was a demon part explosive we tried at quarter strength. Someone gave it to Alex."

"What would need a baby to have something that did that!" Fury demanded with a point, glaring at Clint.

Clint shrugged. He went back to get the book and brought it over. "It's in here." Fury stared at the title then at him. He grinned. "He wrote it in his last life. Apparently it came in handy."

Fury snorted, flipping through the sections. "How many parts did he get?"

"An old poker debt paid off. He's been petting an ear and a sword for quite a while. It made him *so* happy to pet the sword." He smirked a tiny bit.

Fury snapped the book shut and handed it to him. "If the kid becomes an agent, he comes to us, Barton."

"Talk to his parents, sir. I'm just a happy uncle." He grinned.

"Teach the kid your weapons too," Fury said, looking at the mess then stomping off shaking his head. "We want a copy of that book."

"I'll tell his mom, sir." He walked back to the group. "Fury called dibs if the kid becomes an agent and we're to teach him everything we know."

She took the book back, shaking her head. "I'd rather he not turn into an agent." She walked off. James was still staring at the hole in horrified awe. Steve too. Stark was talking to Pepper and the Fire Chief was looking smug at how much she was chewing him a new one. Bruce nudged Steve and nodded. He nodded, walking off tugging on James' arm to bring him out of his horrified awe.

"We are not letting anyone else have a copy of that book," James said once he was in the living room. Alex was staring out the window, sucking on the edge of the demon ear. He picked him up to take the ear from him. "You need something better to teethe on before it makes you sick," he said at the fussing. "Sorry. You can pet it tomorrow." He handed him to Bruce.

"Booo!" he creeled, pointing at the ear.

"Tomorrow. For now, let's do a bath and get ready for bed, Alex." He walked him off talking to him about the explosion.

"Fury demanded a copy of the book," Natasha said.

James shook his head. "I don't think that anything they could get into needs that sort of destruction. Do you?"

She shook her head. "Not really. Then again, we are not under SHIELD authority at the moment."

"Fury wanted first dibs on your kid if he became an agent," Clint quipped with a grin from his usual seat. "Told me to teach him my bow."

James looked at him. "I think he might already know them."

"We only found crossbows. Bit different," Clint said.

"Whatever!" He stomped off, going to his room and slamming the door. Steve and Natasha both winced at that.

"I think he's a bit ...weirded out," Steve said, getting up to follow his best friend to calm him down. He tapped on the door. No answer. So he walked in. "Hey." James was sitting on his bed staring at his former uniform. He sat down in the chair. "If you want to disappear for a while, we'll all understand," he said quietly.

"Then my son will be even worse." He stared at him. "This is going to go the wrong way, no matter what I do."

"You can't help who he was. This is all from his last life."

James snorted. "That's not real comforting. If it is, then why did they pick me and her?"

"Because you're both strong enough to help him heal?" James frowned. Steve got up and got something then came back to hand it over. "I found a bar a few months back and walked in to see what sort it was, trying to find somewhere that reminded me of that bar in France we used to take a breather at." He sat back down. "Turns out it was a demon bar." James grimaced. "They were all peaceful, and they assured me they were peaceful ones." James flipped through the book, frowning at something.

"That's the unauthorized biography of who he used to be. There's obviously some carry over, but they assured me it was at least eighty percent right and written by people who had watched all that." James looked up at him. "I had nightmares," he admitted very quietly. "The first time that didn't involve you and a train or the war, but it gave me horrible nightmares for weeks while I read it." He crossed his feet. "We can help him be more normal."

"You hope." He read the first few pages, grimacing at what it was glancing over. "We knew kids like this."

"We did," he agreed, his voice just this side of sarcastic. "They didn't have the knight-like qualities that Xander did. They used to call him the White Knight." James shuddered. "I can see why. Wait until you see him possessed."

James looked at him. "Will it make me look at the kid differently?"

"He's only half Xander in this life. We can steer him more toward being your son Alex." He stared at him. "Though, I'll be trying to put in common sense as soon as he might understand."

James looked up from reading. "Do we think it'll work?"

"My mother taught me common sense. You used to have common sense."

"You kept forgetting yours, Stevie. That's why you kept picking fights with guys twice your size."

"They started it." He shrugged a tiny bit.

James shook his head, going back to reading. "Has she seen it yet?"

"No. She hasn't asked."

"I'll...." He paused and reread a section. "He staked a lifemate."

"I saw that." He grimaced. "I'm pretty sure that's what made him a hunter. Then he couldn't give up and let more people he knew die, even if he did tell her that he wasn't going to allow one tiny girl to do it all on her own."

"We would've done that." He frowned as he read, grimacing. "Yuck." He turned the page, going on. "How are they doing the page thing?"

"It's magical. Who knows." He grinned. "If you wanted to study magic...."

"Fat chance. Have Barton."

"I'm not sure what would happen if he did get magic. That might be really weird."

"Maybe. Less strange than this though. Cheerleaders?"

"Yeah," Steve snorted with a smile. "It's a tv show to us. I watched them with Natasha. She was not pleased. Especially at how well everyone could ignore him in the most loud, eyesore clothes. She kept getting up to get a sudden drink."

James stared at him. "I'll do that after this." He went back to reading, shaking his head as he changed the page. "Fuck."

"Harvest?"

"No."

"Just wait. It gets worse." James looked up so he nodded. "It gets worse."

James kept reading while Steve stared. He got up to pace a few times but then he collapsed a few minutes later and kept going. "Is it possible the eighty percent was exaggerating battles?"

"No. I asked that a few days later, after I had read that. They may have made Anya more hyper, they may have made him seem more stubborn. May have made him seem happier to be in the middle of that since a few times they weren't sure if he was depressed, but that's literary license because heros don't get to be that upset with life or humanity."

"Do people want to be him?"

"A few now and then. Warriors maybe." He shrugged on one side. "I don't know. I...I admire him for the strength to do it, but I wanted to save him and help him find a normal life. Help him heal, help him find that sense of humor he lost somewhere in there, and probably was going to turn him into you."

James cracked a smile. "I can see the resemblance in the stubbornness." He went back to reading, one eyebrow inching up. "Please let that be a typo," he prayed in Russian.

Steve got up to look over the edge of the book then shook his head. "Nope." He sat down. "That one was both in the show, in the book, and mentioned by the demons."

James got up and walked out, holding up the book so Natasha could read it. "Steve found an unauthorized biography."

She took it to read that page, then looked toward the nursery. She looked at him again. "I'll be damned," she said in Russian. "There is no way that will happen."

"He reminded me so much of James," Steve said, coming out. "And that's not the worst. Really. Wait until the town falls in." They both stared at him. "After high school and after he almost married." Wilhelmina snorted. "Was it that bad?"

"I've read that and yes, that's about eighty-five percent right. They made him look a tiny bit more sane and less stressed so warriors could look up to him. He's like the Klingons he used to look up to as a teenager for them." She went back to sorting laundry. "We're going to have to get him a lot of new clothes soon."

"We can do so," Natasha said. She blinked at the page again then looked at Steve. "Will I be swearing or drinking?"

"I had nightmares," he admitted. "And if I see him dating someone like Anya here, I'll be reminding him what a real relationship should be." Wilhelmina burst out laughing. "She wasn't nice."

"No, she wasn't. He did good helping her find her former humanity. A bit too good of a job but he did a good job at it." She smirked a tiny bit. "Then again, there's not many people like Anya in this realm, Steve. Relax about that? You have at least a decade before he can date."

"More like two," James said.

"Modern teens date around fourteen or fifteen."

"Chaperoned so he can't knock up some girl," Clint said. "I think we'll introduce him to Stark's former bimbos so he understands what not to touch without a hazmat suit." Tony glared at him. "Some need it."

"They didn't when I was with them."

"Great. So you were the turning point in their lives?" Clint asked. "What did you do to them to make them think it wouldn't get any better?"

"I'm just that good," he shot back, still glaring. "How bad?" He got up to get the book, looking at that page. He went a bit pale, rereading it quickly. "Fuck."

"Basically, yes," James agreed.

"No, that's later, with Anya," Wilhelmina quipped. "Before then it was mostly something he felt he had to do."

"Thankfully he's only fifty percent Xander now," Steve said. "We can teach common sense."

"We can teach him not to try to tongue the guns," Clint quipped sarcastically. "Or the knives."

"He will be taught to respect and use of any and all weapons," Natasha said firmly. "He'll need it." James snorted, staring at her. "He will."

"Probably, especially if we don't stop him."

"You can't stop all of his nature. Nor can I. We want him able to protect himself. Even if we do give him a constant bodyguard to hang out with."

James swallowed. "I read a book with that."

"As have I." She smiled slightly. "It would be good for him."

"It might." He walked off shaking his head. "We'll see what we can figure out and how to start making him sane." He slammed his bedroom door again.

"Hey!" a tiny voice called. "Mamama! No!"

Natasha sighed, getting up to make him go back to sleep. Phil beat her there and was reading to the baby by the time she got to his room. "Thank you, Coulson."

"Welcome, Natasha. He's a special thing that we'll make sure grows up decent." He looked at her. "I got sent a copy of the book." She grimaced. "I can help." She nodded, leaving them to bond. He needed more normal role models. He looked at the staring baby. "Let's get back to the story." He turned the page and went on. Alex yawned and fell asleep, curling up on his side to suck his thumb and snore a tiny bit. He smiled at the purring. "No wonder you do that," he said quietly, getting up and sneaking out. The baby needed some common sense and stronger, more stubborn, people to help him grow up almost-normal, like his Uncle Clint was.

Maybe Alex would take a hint and not put on a SHIELD uniform.

***

By two days later, everyone on the team had read the book and binged the tv show. Well, Stark had his AI read it to him while he tinkered on his suit and thought, but he was like that. They had a group meeting to figure out how to encourage Xander toward more normal things. Before he turned into the first pediatric arms dealer. They also talked about how he'd manage his other poker debts if they showed up. They didn't want to know what he'd do with a sudden harem. Pepper had helped with the meeting, she had some good ideas about how to get around his distaste for regular schoolwork too. Then she and Wilhelmina had taken the baby shopping. He had whined the whole time but yay.

They came back with barely anything. They were both exhausted. Natasha took her son. "Why did you not like the store?"

"It's past life trauma," Wilhelmina quipped. "He saw shoes and had an absolute meltdown. Then he spotted a little girl bikini and nearly had seizures to get away from it." She handed over the bags. "That's all we've found."

"Most guys hate shopping," Clint said. He took the baby, who tried to hide under his t-shirt to get away from the clothes. "I know." He patted him on the back, letting him hide. He looked down. "No biting or sucking on anything, kid." He patted him on the back, letting the baby calm down. "Most guys can fill their entire wardrobes in under twenty minutes," he told the ladies.

"We were only in there for thirty," Pepper said. "He wouldn't let us try anything on him to make sure it fit. He would not quit screaming."

"I can take him to do rich guy shopping," Tony quipped, not looking up from his tablet. "Or we can order and they mystically appear in his dresser."

"We might have to," Natasha said. "I'm not fond of shopping myself." She reached over but the baby pulled Clint's chest hair to keep her from taking him. Clint was wincing. "Sorry," she said, relaxing again. "Hand him back when he's ready."

"Sure, though you might have all my chest hair." He reached up to undo the tight fist, making Alex make whining noises at him. "I know. You can nap on me without pulling the hair. I'll protect you from the mall, Alex. Just let go." He winced and moved the baby. "No sucking. I'm not a bottle." He tucked his shirt down so his nipples were covered. Alex sucked on his thumb instead so Clint relaxed. He pulled his t-shirt off and let Alex stare up at him. "Good boys get underneath cuddles. You keep sucking and I'm not that sort of guy, kiddo." He patted him on the back, putting his feet up. Alex sighed and peed but went limp. "Wow, you didn't even overflow the diaper. Are you sick?"

Wilhelmina considered it then looked at Pepper. "We haven't changed him since we went out an hour ago."

"We haven't. Is he still peeing that much?"

"Mostly." She took him to change, undoing the attempted grab of chest hair. "Let's change you." Alex whined. "We'll see, baby. C'mon." She walked him off. "Want us to just order you some jeans?" She took him to his room to change and came out with him in just a diaper. "He's got a UTI." Clint winced. "So we need cranberry juice!" Alex groaned, reaching for Clint. He took him back while she went to make a bottle of juice. Bruce liked cranberry juice so they had some concentrate in the freezer. The baby pouted but drank it for Clint.

Steve and James came off the elevator. "That bad?" James asked.

"He had a past life meltdown in the stores," Pepper said. "He's got a UTI."

"Ow. Poor little guy," James said. "Want me?" The baby patted Clint's chest, staring at him. "Okay, tell me if you want me." He sat down with Natasha. "How much more shopping does he need?"

"At least another few outfits. He's only got ten."

"That's more than a week's worth," Steve said.

Wilhelmina stared at him for a second then patted him on the cheek with a grin. "He goes through three or four a day thanks to drool, peeing, and sometimes throwing up on himself. Babies do that." She walked off. "Let me hit the store for some stuff for him for dinner. I can make cranberry sauce for him." They all nodded, watching her go.

"He does?" Steve asked Natasha.

"I've seen him go through more than that in one day," Pepper said. "Yesterday he went through six outfits." Steve groaned, shaking his head. "Since he's just grown a few inches, all his old stuff doesn't fit."

"We can do it online," Clint said with a grin for her. "We'll teach him how to shop like a guy when he's a bit older." She smiled and left them to do that.

Stark looked over. "What size?"

Natasha looked in the bag. "They're all eighteen months, though he's not that old." She looked at her son. "Let's try one on you?" He fussed. "Just a t-shirt?" She held one up. It had a cat on it.

"Why did they get him that?" James asked, sounding tired. "It looks like a girl shirt." The baby grabbed it and hugged it. "Oh, that reason." He nodded once. "Sure. You can wear kitty cats until you're old enough to be a guy."

Natasha put that t-shirt on him, looking at it. "It's about a size too large but that may be helpful with how children grow."

"Eighteen months I can find," Stark said, tapping that option. She took the shirt off him and put it back into the bag before it got permanently stained. Clint put his t-shirt on the baby, making him grin and suck his juice until he fell asleep. "I'll find Barton a few t-shirts too, just in case," Stark quipped, adding that. "That's not to bad. Baby clothes are less expensive than adult guy clothes. Ten outfits?"

"Should be more than enough," Natasha said. "I hope."

"That's not that large. That's only two hundred." She came over to take the tablet to pay for it. It was her child after all.

James looked at Steve then at her. "I'll put some of my money into an account for him. We'll make him a joint one for expenses."

"That would be reasonable," she agreed, handing the tablet back. "Clint, you owe me twenty."

"Take it from my wallet," he said, shifting so she could grab it. She took out twenty dollars then slid it back into his pocket for him. The baby didn't wake up at all. Wilhelmina came out of the elevator with Bruce. "Hey, Doc."

"I heard he's got a UTI."

"I warned him we had stolen his juice," Wilhelmina said with a smile for the napping baby. "You're good."

"He's tired." He let Bruce take him to look at his diaper area. "Is that a diaper rash?"

"No," Bruce said. "He's been a bit red with all the peeing he's doing." He got up to get some creme to put on it then redid the diaper. The baby yawned and shifted, curling up against his father's thigh. James just handed him back the bottle with a pat on the head. "Let's use the creme again, Wilhelmina, and let's push juice for a few days." She nodded. "He can probably cut down to one bottle of formula a day." She nodded again. "You think he'd eat cranberry sauce?"

"It's slimy and looks like baby food." She smiled. "I did get one that was a bit sweetened. I'm not sure if he likes sour or not yet." She went into the kitchen, coming out with a dish. "Hey, Alex, hungry?" He mumbled something and stayed asleep, kneading his father's leg. "Sure, I can wait until you get up." It wouldn't take too long with that behavior going on.

They all watched him wake up and her feed him the cranberry sauce. He didn't like it very much but he ate it for her and Mommy asking him to. He kept looking at his uncles to save him but they just smiled at him.

***

"Alex!" Wilhelmina was yelling the next morning. It woke everyone up. "Where are you!"

The AI cleared his throat. "He's learned how to run I'm afraid. He wanted to pet his toys. He carried his ear down there in his mouth while dragging the sword behind him."

She looked up. "He's not supposed to be in there without supervision, JARVIS."

"That's why I woke you."

"Thank you," she sighed, pulling her bathrobe around her to do up on her way down there. She blinked as she walked in. He was naked, covered in things that she wasn't aware they had. "Lesser poker debt?" she guessed.

"Something that looked like a goblin in a movie showed up," the AI said quietly.

She nodded. "It was probably a goblin." She sighed. "Take pictures for his parents and uncles?"

"I have and there was a cuter one a minute ago." He put up a virtual screen to show that picture off. "I'm printing it off in the living room."

"Thank you." She rubbed her forehead, staring at her napping, peeing little naked charge who was a bit too happy to be covered in weapons and gold chains.

Natasha came up behind her. "Oh dear," she sighed.

Wilhelmina looked at her. "You sound like Dr. Banner."

"Fortunately I have good control of my temper."

"JARVIS said he learned how to walk last night."

"Wonderful. I'm sure Clint will enjoy taking him to the park." She carefully moved in but something hissed at her. She had to back out, she only had a knife and she wasn't sure what that thing was or how it was killed.

"This is his mom," Wilhelmina told the little hissing lizard. "Shoo. Now." It curled up on Xander's butt and stared at them. It hissed when they shifted.

"James, are you or Clint more accurate with tiny targets?" she asked quietly without turning her head.

"Me. I have a finer weapon." He looked over their shoulder. "What is it?"

"Deadly and it loves your son," Wilhelmina quipped, getting out of the way. "I can try to wake him."

"The lizard might bite him," Natasha said. James' hand laser came up and he hit the lizard, making it fade out. "That helped." She walked in and the lizard came back.

Clint looked around the doorframe then pointed. "Pokeball." She shot him a dirty look but picked it up and pointed it at the lizard. It disappeared back into it. She sighed in displeasure. "What else did they pay him off with?"

"I see gold chainmail," Natasha said, shaking her head. "I see a few thicker gold chains."

"I didn't know he rapped," Stark said, leaning between James and Clint to look. "Huh. I didn't know babies got that happy."

"Don't remind me," Natasha said. "It looks like he may have peed on the modular launching system."

"Poor weapon," Clint quipped. "Hey, Alex?" he called quietly. The baby snuffled and turned his head. He pulled up his thumb, which had gold chain wrapped around it, to suck on. Natasha carefully removed the chain, waking him up. Alex blinked at her, grinning and holding up his hands. "Morning, little guy. Did you find new friends?" Stark hit him on the arm. "They are."

"I can tell." He came in to look at the poor weapon. "There was silk between them but it's soaked." He looked at the baby. "Why are you naked?" He giggled, cuddling his mother around the neck, patting his damp hand against her chest. "Yup, you got her. You're good to her, Alex." He patted him on the back. "Let mom clean you up while we clean up where you peed." Alex blinked at his mom, who smiled as she walked him off. "I need a trash bag so we can try to get this cleaned." Clint got him some and came in to help him clean up the baby mess. Two layers of woven tapestry silk. The whole weapon and puddling in the bottom of the case. "He pees way too much." Stark took the weapon to clean up so they could store it better. Clint got the rest of the clean up.

***

Bruce woke up in the lab to the sound of a squeal and an agent calling for Alex. "Hi," he said, blinking at the little guy that had woken him. "Shouldn't you be wearing pants?" He picked him up to look at him. "Why aren't you wearing pants?"

"He escaped while we were getting him dressed," Agent Coulson said as he came in with a pair of pants and a pair of shoes. "Let's put these on. Bruce would like to see you dressed." Alex giggled, but let them dress him. Then he wiggled down and ran off again. "Are we sure he's not Clint's?" Coulson asked the scientist.

"Not according to the DNA so it's got to be from osmosis."

"Great." He followed the baby back to his new 'friends'. "Be a good boy, Alex." Clint looked up with a grin, patting his lap. The baby crawled into it and patted what he was looking over. "Clint?" he asked quietly.

"I got 'im."

"Thank you. I chased him down to get him dressed." He went to get a drink of water and come back to help with the inventory.

Clint looked at the baby. "Were you running from Uncle Phil? You're so silly sometimes. He's the one that tells stories." The baby grunted, crawling over to pet the demon hand he found. "No, you can't suck on that thumb. It'll make you sick," he said, pulling him back over. "Here, help me with this. We'll look over your new guns." The baby petted it with a coo, leaning over to cuddle it. "That's a good boy but let me unload it first." He did that and handed it back. He had what he needed to put it onto the list.

Wilhelmina walked in, clapping her hands. "Park time, Alex." He stared at her, eyes wide. "Want to go run around the trees?" He grinned, holding up the gun. "No, you have to leave that here. We'll go see the trees then you can come back to this." She plucked him up and walked him off. "The trees will be very happy that you learned to run. That way you can pee on other trees." He grinned and peed. "Thank you very much, dear." She went to change him, including a new outfit. Fortunately the new clothes were in.

She put him into his stroller, zipping the cover so he couldn't get out. They walked outside, taking him to the park. As soon as she stepped outside, the hellhound in the building appeared. "No, you go back to your human. I've got him. Your master needs you." The dog barked quietly and went back to his master. A new one appeared and sniffed at Alex, trotting beside her. "Be a good dog while we're in the park," Wilhelmina ordered quietly. It bayed but was a happy dog. Alex was cooing at her. The normals walking up the street stared but yay.

They got into the park and the puppy ran ahead. They found where it was waiting and it was near a playground so Wilhelmina gave in, unzipping the cover and letting Alex out. She stared at him. "Stay near me." She put Alex onto the grass. He got up and toddled off to pat the trees. The dog followed. That was nice of it. She watched him wander in the small area, getting up to grab him if he went too far away. He grinned and ran toward the playground he had spotted. It was a bigger kid playground but he had fun with the sandpit. "Sure," Wilhelmina agreed. The dog sat beside the playground, staring at him. Alex cooed and offered the dog some sand but it didn't want sand. It lapped him instead.

Wilhelmina stared at the woman who had just splashed her with holy water. "I'm a protection sort, not one of those," she said bluntly. "Aren't you a stupid bitch, Hill." She got up and faced her, pulling out her phone. She dialed. "Got a problem at the park." She hung up and checked the kid. "Dog, guard him. Do not let anyone who's not family touch him." It barked and curled up around Alex's waist. She looked at the agent again. "You wanted something?"

"I don't think the child needs something like you," she said bluntly.

"And yet, I'm the one protecting him. Especially from his last life." She stared at her. "I don't think you're the parent so you don't really get a say in the matter." Clint came jogging over. "Clint."

"Hey. Hill, leave the nanny alone. She's protected Alex even beyond what we could. It's her job to protect him." He looked over. "Thank you, dog." He looked at her again. "I doubt you have anything to say about the kid considering you tried to get him into a lab to experiment on. Wilhelmina, take him home."

"Going." She grabbed the baby and the diaper bag, carrying Alex off while pushing the stroller. The dog followed. When two agents got into her way the dog attacked one. The agent shot at it but that didn't really work on hellhounds. It just made them mad.

"Off!" Coulson ordered. The dog barked and growled at him. "Now, dog. Thank you. Good boy to protect Alex." He patted him on the head. "Go with Wilhelmina, guard the baby." It barked and ran after her. He looked at the staring agents. "I'll be damned if you touch that baby again," he said bluntly. They both backed away from him. "I don't believe SHIELD has an interest in a baby." He walked around them. "Hill, what are you doing?"

"We're worried about the amount of ...unusual beings near the child."

"Still not yours," Clint said bluntly. "So fly off on your broomstick."

"You're not biologically related," she noted coolly.

"Yeah, but I'm an uncle," he said with a smirk. "And I'll finish taking down SHIELD over the kid." Coulson patted him on the arm so he calmed himself down. "Natasha," he said, nodding at her. Hill nearly flinched. "Did you borrow one of the poker debts?"

"I did not need it. If I do, then we will have to replay that last fight against them." She stared at Hill coldly. "Leave my child be. You have no need to concern yourself with him." She looked at the two agents, smirking some. "Is the bite from that hellhound bitch? She's in heat so you may need to have that treated before it infects." He shuddered. "It will need to be rinsed of sulphur especially." She looked at Hill again. "The last I knew, you were not even associated with the child in a babysitting role."

"You let that thing watch him?"

"She has been very protective of him. That's her job since that's her role in life." She smirked a tiny bit. "She also finished healing someone's memories." Hill flinched when she noticed who was sneaking up on her other side. "Clint and Coulson are both excellent uncles and will straighten my son out from his last life, plus protect them if something should happen to me. As will his father. You...were not asked for assistance." She walked off. "Let me go get the drool off the son."

"You sure?" Clint asked, grinning at her back. Because that gave him permission to deal with this.

"No physical harm," Coulson ordered quietly. "Unless required. Barnes." He stared at him.

"I was just going to have a talk with my ex's former employer."

Fury stomped over. "What the fuck," he demanded coldly. "Hill, an explanation?"

"She decided to take it upon herself to complain about the nanny's other job," Clint said, staring at him. "We're not happy with that."

Fury stared at him, then at Coulson. "She called in a help code because Hill tried to splash her with something and tried to sneer while taking custody of the child," Coulson said. "We don't appreciate such things and Natasha has left it in our hands."

Fury looked at Barnes then at Coulson. "Hill, go back to my office and wait on me. That was outside your orders."

"That thing has to be warping him."

"By protecting him from people like you and handling all his past life madness?" James asked. "Really?" She shuddered, backing away from him. "Coulson, I know we're in a park. Can we take this somewhere else?"

"She's going to my office, Barnes, and you can talk to her the next time she shows up at the Tower," Fury noted. "Boys, base. Now. I've had more than fucking enough of this shit. We do not touch Romanoff's kid." One of them pointed at Barnes. "He's not being a baby daddy. I'm really happy that he's there for the kid before Barton warps him toward liking comic books," he said blandly.

"He doesn't really care about what sort of book it is but he already liked comic books, sir." He grinned at the agents. "Leave Barnes alone. We fixed him so Cap had him back and he's there for the kid. We appreciate him being there for the kid, even if the kid does drive him nuts sometimes."

"Only when he's babbling and peeing on me," James shot back.

"He'll be potty trained in a few years," Coulson said.

James stared. "Years?" he demanded.

"Probably about three years. His first birthday is in a few weeks," Clint realized. He looked at Coulson.

"We can get him new toys and clothes. He'll enjoy not having to shop."

"I guess," James said. "He's too young to remember it."

"Not the point," Fury told him. "First birthdays are special things that give you goofy pictures to show his future dates."

"In his last life, he dated assholes. I'm more likely to kill them on him," he said bluntly.

"Go for it," Clint said. "Just don't let him get attached first."

"I'd never do that. I'll start with a background check and let them have one last happy date with him. If they don't live up to at least what one of the Commandos was then they're goners." He smirked a tiny bit.

Clint nodded. "I can appreciate that. We can do it together."

"Means I get days off," James quipped. He looked at Hill, smirking a tiny bit. "We don't like threats to the kid. If I had to give up my last life to help protect him, so be it. I'll find a better set of targets." She stomped off.

Fury looked at him. "How healed did they make you?"

"They fixed the memory issue."

Fury nodded once. "We'd like a better debrief."

"Ask your pet handler. He did it for you." He strolled off. The two lesser agents made sure they were behind Coulson when he got near them. He smirked at them. "You have fun with that bite." He strolled off.

Clint smirked at them. "Won't save you. Remember, he's a sniper too." He looked at Coulson. "Let me pick up something for the munchkin to eat."

"Remember his UTI," Coulson said. Clint nodded, walking off. He looked at the two junior agents. "I wouldn't save you. I'm a godfather." He looked at Fury. "It will be stopped, sir?"

"It'd better be stopped. That nanny?"

"I submitted a report. Apparently she got into it."

"I'll find it when I get back." He looked at the two junior agents. "I could've sworn I gave you an order." They ran to their SUV. He shook his head. "When are you coming back? The stupid people are trying to take over again."

"When I'm in shape to. Right now, chasing after the baby is putting me out of breath." He walked off. "Have a better day, Nick."

"You too, Phil." He took a calming breath on his way to his SUV so he could go back to his office. He needed to deprogram Hill and make her sane again. He needed to hire Coulson a physical therapist so he could come back to work and all the stupid would be contained again. He had that way of staring at the stupid ones to make them reconsider their bad ideas.

***

Stark looked up as someone tapped on his office door, staring at the young woman. "Do I know you?"

"I was told to come here and introduce myself to you, sir. I'm Agent Coulson's new physical therapist and Director Fury said I was to meet him after you so you knew I was not here as some sort of plot."

Stark stared at her then smirked a tiny bit. "He's only got plots and plans. I'd never believe that." She snorted, crossing her arms over his chest. "JARVIS, please get Coulson up here."

"I have told him, sir." The AI cleared his throat. "He's in the shower so it will be a moment, Miss Alters."

"That's fine, thank you," she said, looking around. Stark smirked more brightly. "It's a good security feature." She heard a squeal and looked up the hallway. "Thankfully you're not my client. I don't understand children or really like kids."

"He's just learned how to walk," Stark said. "Your new patient is one of his favorite story telling uncles."

"That's fine. All babies need stories. That's about all I know what to do with them. Though I think he needs changed." A robot zipped up the hall, chasing the running, giggling baby until he caught him. He carried the giggling one off to change, making him squeal in pleasure. "Um...wow."

"He really likes my diaper changing robot."

"Out of the hallway!" Pepper yelled at the robot. "The rest of us don't need to see him being changed!" The robot trundled off with him. She came to the door, staring at the new woman. "Stark, can you please change some of the robot's parameters? I did not need to watch him being changed."

"I can do that, Pepper."

"Thank you. And you are?" she asked with a smile.

"Melinda Alters. I'm here to do physical therapy with Agent Coulson." She shook her hand with a smile. "I don't understand kids or robots so I'll take my meeting with him wherever he wants." She nodded at the man coming off the elevator. "Agent Coulson?" she asked, looking over his metallic arm.

"No, the baby's father. Where is he now?" he sighed.

"Diaper changing robot went that way," Pepper said with a grin and a point.

"Great, that thing that's going to make him gay." He walked off. "Robot, he'd better be cleaned and dressed." It was putting him into his pants to hand over and run away from the parent. He looked at his son, shaking his head. His son was grinning happily. "Sometimes I think you dirty your diaper so you get changed by it. Wilhelmina's looking for you for lunch, kiddo." He carried him off under his arm. The baby cooed and patted his arm so he liked it. He met Coulson at the elevator. "Yours?" he asked with a point at her.

"I have no idea. Robot?" Bucky nodded, getting onto the elevator. "At least he likes being clean. Many boys don't."

"Probably true." He sighed as he pushed the button. He was running away that weekend, unless there was an emergency. Then he'd get some fun that way instead.

Phil walked over to Pepper. "Pepper, problems?"

"The diaper changing robot is a bit weird. It likes to change him in the middle of the hallway."

"At least all the water it sends out is easily cleaned up on the hallway's tile floors instead of soaking a carpet."

"Point but very a tiny one." She got out of his way. "Physical therapy?"

"I had no idea I was ready for that yet." He looked at her.

"Melinda Alters, sir. Director Fury sent me to evaluate your rehabilitation needs so you can start working your way back up."

"I'm still having some breathing problems. Did he check with my cardiologist?"

"Yes, sir. He approved you for light working out to keep up muscle tone and improve your breathing at the moment." She handed over the paperwork. "Where would you like to talk?"

"We can go to the gym. That way you know where it is." He led her up there. "How much did he share about what happened?"

"That you'd had a heart related health problem."

"I got stabbed through the heart," he said.

"Interesting. The wounds are obviously healed or you'd still be in bed."

"The stitches are just now all healed," he admitted, taking off his shirt so she could see the scars.

She touched one and nodded. "We can stick with breathing for right now and some light stretching so those don't tighten up on you." She stepped back with a smile. "How is your breathing?"

"Chasing the baby got me out of breath the other day. Before I was stabbed I could run a half marathon."

"That's good. We can work you back up toward that level." She settled in to go over what she could do with him and what he'd need to get someone to order. They usually took a doctor's prescription to get a few of them. He nodded, making notes. She went over the beginning of the breathing exercises, which made him cough. "That's normal. We can work from there." He nodded, getting back to it once he could breathe normally again. It was a lot of work he knew he needed to do. When Alex snuck in and climbed into his lap, giving them both a smug grin, he just hugged him and went back to his breathing exercise. It was good he had support.

James opened the door and snapped. "C'mon, Alex. You've escaped long enough."

"No!" he said with a cheery grin.

James snorted. "Won't work. C'mon or no diaper changing robot time." He pointed at the hall.

"He's fine," Coulson said.

"She's a lower level spook. I don't want her near the kid."

She smiled at him. "I don't really like kids and I have nothing for or against him. I'm only here to help this one agent get back into shape because SHIELD is going to implode since no one has sense."

James snorted. "That's been years in the making." He walked in and grabbed the baby, carrying him off. "We're going to look over your poker debts, kiddo. Want weapons time?" The baby squealed and patted him, babbling at him. "That's a great thing. We like that you like weapons." He kicked the door shut.

She frowned, looking at the door then at her patient, who shrugged. "Former life."

"That was the ...he looked familiar."

"He used to be the Winter Soldier. We fixed what they did to him."

She blinked a few times. "You trust him with the kid?"

"It's his son and we're all very interested uncles."

She nodded. "Wow, SHIELD does weird things. I knew it was weird, but damn!" She shook her head. "Let's try this kuzoo exercise." She handed him one. "Try one note for five seconds." He inhaled and tried it. He managed a note for a few seconds. "We'll work up to that." She got him back to his exercises.

***

James came out for dinner, pointing behind him. "Is the robot giving enemas now?"

"No," Wilhelmina said at the stove. She walked off to find her demented charge and his robot friend. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded when she spotted him. The robot beeped frantically. "Give him here. Gently! Before you hurt him! STARK!" He came jogging in there and paused then came to help her get the kid from the robot. "I don't know what's wrong with it but it does not need to be a plug!"

"I'll check it over and fix that issue, Wilhelmina. He okay?"

She looked at his butt. "He's trying to crap, so that's probably why. Next time, hold him over the toilet and let him crap into it," she said, staring at the robot. It slumped and tried to hide behind Tony. "You have fun with him. At least the nozzle didn't go into him and it's tiny. It was just being a roadblock." She took him to let him crap over the toilet. He squealed and kicked but enjoyed it. "Thank you, dear. Next time, tell us. We'll fix it."

Tony leaned in. "He was out of water and had a clogged plug." She shot him a dirty look. "You're sure he's okay?"

"It was just blocking from the outside. If it had pushed in, you'd be handed parts."

"I would've done that myself," he assured her, taking the robot down to the lab to fix. It hadn't been a great solution but at least it had tried to problem solve. It just did it the wrong way and now he had creepy feelings about his robot.

Wilhelmina got the baby cleaned up and brought him out. Bruce took him when she walked in. "It was only blocking from the outside."

"Thankfully," Natasha said, taking her son from Bruce. "Is he all right?"

"He's fine. He was happy hovering over the toilet to crap instead." She went back to fixing the baby's dinner.

Clint stole the baby to cuddle, getting a hug and baby babble back. "You're a good boy and very loving. That's why the robot went pervy, because he loved you in the wrong way."

"We can destroy the robot, right?" James asked.

"If you want to change those diapers," Wilhelmina quipped with a grin for him. "He's learned to run away from me when he needs changed." James groaned, shaking his head. "I get three-quarters of them. The robot has to sneak and change him."

"I'm getting weird feelings about the robot," Clint said.

"I guess that's reasonable as I have them too," Natasha said. She looked at her son. "High chair?" He patted his uncle and grinned at her. "Yes, you have stolen him. You need in your high chair so you can eat." Clint took the bowl from Wilhelmina and fed him a bite. The bite didn't come back out. "High chair. He will learn manners."

"Even you eat on the couch now and then," Clint said, feeding the baby. "I've got it, Wilhelmina. Go have laundry time."

"I need to fold it. Thank you whoever took it out of the dryer for me." She walked off, letting them handle it.

Clint looked down at the grinning baby. "You're a good boy. You'll eat for me then we'll go watch stupid people on tv." The baby cooed, eating for him. "Good boy." He finished up the kid's food, grabbed his own plate, and they went to watch tv. Alex needed more guy time.

James looked at Natasha. "Can we avoid the robot from now on?"

"We can try but I doubt we'll manage it since he chased it down earlier." She dished up some food and handed on the bowl. "Coulson, how was your PT session?"

"Not bad. As a baseline, I'm doing better than she thought I should be. We have some building to do. She's thinking within six months I should be back at normal human standards, and another few months after that to work into agent shape."

"That's good," she said with a smile for him. "You do worry us."

"Yes, he does," Clint called from the living room.

"Thank you," he said, smiling back. "I'll get back up there. It'll be a while but I can work myself back into handler shape." She nodded, handing him the bowl of mixed vegetables. He took some for his plate and passed it to Steve.

Stark came back. "The robot is being reprogrammed to never do that again." Natasha smiled. "It's programmed to hold him over the toilet if he's actively going."

"So no more suction tube?" she asked, staring at him.

"It has one for emergency use. It will never get the sprayer that close again." She smiled and handed him some food. "Thank you for not dismantling it. The kid might be traumatized."

"Perhaps but we will be monitoring it."

"I'd rather change diapers," James said. Clint walked in and handed him the baby. He sniffed and grimaced. "Eww but fine." He got up to change him. "What is this!" he yelled a minute later.

"He's got some mild runs," Clint called, grinning at Natasha. She smirked back, hiding it as she bent down to get a bite of food. James came back out, handing him back the baby. Clint looked. "Well, he tried. Not too bad. We'll watch the diaper being too loose." James shot him a glare. "We can teach you how to do that better."

"Shut up," he said in Russian. Natasha was laughing. "It's not good."

"It's not that hard," she said. "I learned it off the youtube video that JARVIS popped up when he got dropped off. You learn you can tighten them to almost restricting since they have elastic."

"Great but still gross."

She smiled, handing over the bowl of vegetables. He grimaced but got more. "You did wash your hands?"

"I put on gloves. No amount of washing will get that out of the hinged parts," he said dryly. She smiled at him.

"There's been a few of the diapers I wanted full hazmat gear for," Steve said.

Alex came running in and pounced his father with a grin. "Dada!"

"Yup, I am." He looked down at him. "Already? Clint!"

"Changing my shirt," he called. "He's ready for medicine."

"I'll get him some," Wilhelmina said, coming out to get the baby to change and do that. "Gee, I have enough clothes for a full load, huh?" she asked him as she walked off.

James looked at her. "I like having a protective nanny."

"Me as well." She ate some of her dinner, then got up to grab the meat out of the oven since it was smelling done. That helped and made a more filling dinner. Which Clint came in to get some of too.

***

Stark walked down to Pepper's office after dinner, staring at her. "Working late?"

"We have that meeting tomorrow. I'm getting the last few things done." She put her keyboard aside. "You look upset. What's happened?"

He sat down across from her. "What do you think about me putting the kid into my will as my heir?"

She considered it. "I think it'd be fine but there'd be speculation. Are we considering that it'll happen soon?" He snorted, staring at her. "I know it could happen the next time you trip over Dum-E." He nodded. "Did you ask Natasha?"

"No. I won't be either."

"I don't think it'd be a bad idea since you don't have any natural heirs. If you want to add others, who might be more interested in the company at some later date, you can add them easily enough." She smiled. "I don't think it's a bad idea."

"Thanks."

"Welcome. Are you redoing it now?"

He nodded. "It's been five years since I updated it. Right now you, Rhodey, and Happy are my heirs." She smiled. "Thanks, Pepper." He got up and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Go rest. You'll be exhausted tomorrow and they'll think you're weak."

"I'm heading home in another paragraph or so." He nodded, going back down to his lab. A tiny being appeared as soon as she shut off the computer, making her stare at it. She hoped it was a miniature whatever, not a child since it was wearing a Victorian suit and tie. "Can I help you?" she asked with a forced smile.

It held up two small books. "The others that one wrote. Our clan leader is very amused, Miss Potts, and hopes that he grows up more healthy this time, without all the cranky women around him. It always amuses us when the boy gets into things he has no idea about but manages to win somehow." She took the books. "We'll be getting you a classification set as well. That way you don't have to rely on the nanny. We know some day she'll be recalled and someone will have to know." It bowed and disappeared.

She looked at the books, which were now normal human sized. "Tony!" she called. He came jogging in. "He wrote two other ones." She handed them over. "We're also getting a classification set so we don't have to rely on Wilhelmina since she'll be recalled some day."

He looked at them then at her. "That's good to know. You okay?"

"It was very polite. Very pretty Victorian suit. Bowed before leaving. Very well spoken."

He nodded, helping her up. "We can tell the others then you can go soak. I know you don't deal with strange things very well."

She smiled, patting him on the cheek. "Thank you." He nodded, taking her up to the living room. He turned off the tv. "We have new books the kid wrote. We're getting a classification set."

Wilhelmina leaned out of the hallway. "I can't be recalled until he's past that prophesied sacrifice."

"Any idea who they were?" Stark asked.

"They're a warrior clan. They're pretty nice, don't play poker, are fairly uptight at times, and think humans kissing is obscene and anything more than that should only be done in the dark." She smiled. "They're decent people to know but they tend to watch humanity like it's a play being put on for them." She went back to Alex's room. "They found your old books. I wonder if they found the one you had been working on." She checked his butt then smiled and sat down to wait on him to crap again. The medicine hadn't worked yet.

Stark shook his head, looking at the books. "Demon Goo and How To Use It Against Your Dates. I'm hoping that's supposed to be funny." He flipped it open. "No, it starts with 'if you date like I date, sometimes you need to immobilize them to save yourself'." He handed that to Clint and looked at the other one. "Offensive Battle Strategies For Slayers." He flipped through it. "It's in cartoon format."

"Slayers are multi-national," Steve said. "They might not all read English." He took it to look at. "It's probably to train the girls in elementary battle tactics for bigger fights." He paused at one, staring at it. "This one's got variations depending on how many open graves there are but it's about one specific demon being released with the option of using it for others that are trapped in tombs. We need to make sure it's not here." He kept flipping.

James took it next, nodding as he flipped through it. "Easier to understand than a general pointing at a board that's got the wrong map on it." Steve nodded. "Not bad for training."

"We can use it to train him," Clint said. He took the first book back from Natasha, who had stolen it, to flip through. "Hmm. Two of the parts down there lead to a paralytic dart."

"You're all forbidden to test any demon parts if they might destroy another street or subway tunnel," Pepper said.

"No, this is all brewing it down and coating darts and things," Clint said, flipping again. "I'm not this mean usually." He handed it to James. "Just in case you have the same draw for evil and dangerous ones that the kid has." Natasha hit him on the arm. "Ow!"

"You need that more than him."

"Doubt that," Steve quipped, taking it to look at. He frowned at one. "Why would you need to know about an anti-inhibitant?" He looked up. "Those are illegal, right? Wilhelmina!" She came out to stare at him. He held it up. "Why did he write this one down?"

"He had a cult that wanted him. It broke their drugs that they took. It also broke conditioning down easier." She smiled. "Only Anya would've played with that then complained about sprained vaginas and the like." She looked at the other book. "He was working on a self-defense strategies book." She walked off.

"I want to look over that recipe for the anti-inhibitant," Coulson said. "We use something similar but it tends to be more hallucinogenic." The book was passed to him. He looked the section over, nodding. "That may work better. Do we have the parts to try this?" he asked Stark. Who shook his head. "Can we find a way to gather them?"

"Learn to play kitten poker," James said. "It seems to have helped the son." Wilhelmina carried him out in just a diaper, handing him Alex on her way to the kitchen. "Did you get messy again?" he asked him. The baby made complaining noises and tried to crawl into his shirt. "No, you can't do that." Clint stole him and let the kid up under his. Alex made purring noises and shifted to cuddle better. When Wilhelmina came back with a bottle of pedialyte, he let the baby have it and he was happy with that. He could nap and drink and cuddle, he was that talented. James looked at him. "Should we be letting him do that?"

"Not like he's going to realize anything about my chest, Barnes," Clint said, staring at him. "He knows what nipples are already, he tried to latch onto most of us." Natasha nodded. "Besides, he feels better when he's covered up this way. It's his comfy hiding spot."

"Some kids do, the same as some kids like swaddled," Wilhelmina said. "It's dark, warm, and a comforting body. All kids need love." She looked over Phil's shoulder, flipping a page. "Try that one. All but the serum is mostly readily available. That one's tougher to find but you can buy it on the black market or make your own. The formula's in the back." She patted him on the injured shoulder, testing it. "Not bad. I don't usually heal but I did okay." She smiled. "I can't teach you how to play kitten poker. I suck at it."

"We can find out," Stark said. "Thank you."

"Welcome. Clint, want me to take him?"

"He's good for now. I'll put him down in a few."

"Okay. That's three-quarters pedialyte to cold water because his runs are becoming epic even with the medicine." She left him alone.

Bruce looked over at the lump. "That's not a bad idea. We can check on that in the morning." Clint nodded, looking down his shirt's neckhole at the baby then patting him on the back. The baby belched but didn't spit up anything and went back to drinking. "Nice."

"Nothing came out." He grinned. "He likes me sometimes."

"You're his favorite uncle," Natasha said. "He searches you out more than he does us." Clint grinned at her.

James shook his head. "My kid's a bit weird," he told Steve.

"We're all a bit weird. Even before the serum and all that, you and I were considered weird by most everyone."

"Good point," he said, considering that. "Plus we put on uniforms and go out to handle bad people." He nodded. "Yeah, I guess we can be weird to some."

"Probably," Natasha agreed.

Clint got up carefully, taking the baby to put down. He came out wiping off his chest. "He's napping." He flopped back down to take the chemical book to look through again. The others slowly wandered off to bed. He looked back when he heard a stumbling noise, grinning at the baby. Alex was heading for his dad so that was okay. He'd be okay with James for the night.

***

James woke up to an odd sensation. Someone was petting his metal arm, which was cupped to hold something small, and his chest was a bit sore. He blinked down. "You're not fed that way," he complained. The baby fussed and moved until he found the nipple again. "Not yours," he said, pulling him off. The baby screamed so he let him go. "Sorry!"

Natasha came in with a gun in hand. "What happened?"

"He thought I was the bottle fairy," he complained. Alex was still fussing.

"It's comforting to him." She picked him up, making him fuss into her neck when he snuggled in. "He's sorry he scared you, Alex." She walked him off. "We'll change you and have a bath, then go eat breakfast. You don't need to suck on your father." Alex pouted at her. "I know." She got him out of his diaper and cleaned up, then into the bathroom. He tried to escape but she closed the door. He patted it with a pouty face. "We will bathe. Come here, Alex." She pulled him back and put him into the tub. The baby squealed and tried to get up. She tested it. "JARVIS, is the hot water off?" she complained, pulling him out. "You're just having a bad day, aren't you?" she asked the baby.

The AI hummed. "The burner's out. You may want to teach him to sit on the toilet." She looked down at the butt then put him onto the toilet so he could crap. "I'll have someone turn on the burner. For now, use the heating attachment, Agent Romanoff."

She reached over to flip it on. It did heat the water slowly and when it was warm, JARVIS reran the tub. Alex was happily peeing in the toilet so she let him for as long as he wanted. Then she wiped him down and back into the tub. He grinned, patting the water. "There," she said with a smile back. "We will bathe you and then you can go play." He patted the water, grinning at her. "Yes, you like to bathe. You get that from me." She washed his hair. He tried to stand up but she put him back down. "Sit, Alex. Be a good boy." He kept trying to get up. "JARVIS, can I have Clint please?"

"He's not in the tower but should be on the way back from buying bagels. Alex, let your mother wash you," he said. "You might want to turn off the warmer." She flipped it off. Alex wanted to play. They didn't have any baby toys that could be used in the tub. She added some soap and turned on the jets to make it bubble up. That got an awesome squeal of joy and a lot of patting them. The baby adored that and he liked the moving water too.

Clint walked in taking off his jacket. "What's up? Oh, someone got bubbles."

"I needed an extra set of hands. He's wiggly."

"Little guys like that." He knelt beside her to do the washing stuff with her.

Alex stared up at him. "Dada?"

"No, I'm Uncle Clint, not Daddy. You know that, silly." He grinned.

Alex stared at him then hugged him. "Dada." He grinned at his mom. "Dada."

"He makes a good one but he's still Uncle Clint."

The baby hugged Clint. "Me?"

"Yes, yours. He's your uncle." She smiled. "You are very bright. Let's finish the bath?" She turned off the jet setting. He pouted but let them finish cleaning him up. He went back onto the toilet since he wanted to pee again. "Thank you," she said. Clint got her what she'd need to dress him. She did that and he was happy to toddle out to the kitchen when she released him. She drained and rinsed out the tub then took her own shower.

Clint looked down when something grabbed his leg. "Watching me make toast?" He picked him up, putting him into his highchair. "There, now you can see." He went back to making himself toast, and the kid's oatmeal since Wilhelmina hadn't gotten up. He sat down to feed him. "Let's eat then Uncle Clint can eat while you wander around." He fed him and the baby was happy to eat for him. He didn't try to make a mess or spit it out. Then the baby got released. He leaned on Clint's leg until he picked him up to give him some toast to gnaw on. That made him happy. He waved when Tony stumbled in.

Tony blinked at them. "Morning, Barton and kid." He patted Alex on the head. "Be a good boy and let Uncle Tony have coffee."

"Toto." He grinned, wiggling to hug his arm when he sat down. "Toto."

"I am." He kissed him on the head. "You smell like your mom's shampoo. We need to get you some of your own so you smell like a guy." Clint grinned. "I'm sure baby shampoo doesn't smell like Head and Shoulders."

"No, not hardly." He looked at him. "Want to go play?" The baby patted him with a grin. "We'll let Uncle Tony wake up." He winked and took the baby to the living room. He got a few of the toys that Alex didn't realize he had because he nearly attacked them to play with. That meant Clint got to finish his toast. Alex got to crawl and pound and twirl and make noise. He was a happy baby this morning. The noise got Bruce up and he was grumpy but that happened with a baby in the house. Bruce grunted and nodded on his way to the coffee maker.

"Boo?" Alex asked, getting up to follow him and hug him.

Bruce smiled, patting him on the head. "Morning, Alex. Go back to playing so I can have coffee?" The baby ran back when Clint's foot nudged something that had bells. He didn't know he had bells.

"Noisy," James complained as he came out.

"He's a kid. All kid toys are noisy," Clint shot back. Alex smiled and held up a toy. He got another pat on the head. Alex pouted at him. "He's just grumpy and needs a few days off," he said, giving the baby a hug. "Play some more?" He nudged the ball with the bells again. Alex kicked it and had to chase it all over the living room.

Natasha came out dressed, watching her son. "We'll let you try soccer when you're older." He ran over to hug her, getting one back. "You're a good boy. Play some more then you can have breakfast." Clint waved his hand since he was drinking some of his coffee. "Thank you. Your uncle is very good for you today," she told the baby. Alex wiggled and ran to the thing that was making noise thanks to his uncle's other foot. She smirked at the noise from the activity center, going into the kitchen.

Steve came off the elevator. "Morning, Alex. Morning, Clint."

"Me!" Alex said with a grin and a wave.

"That's very smart, little guy." Alex went back to making noise, staring at him. "Great work. That's very good to like toys." He patted him. "Let me shower. I'm sweaty." He went to do that. Alex didn't try to follow.

Tony came out, staring at the activity center. "I need to get him one that tells him chemicals and components." He gave the pouting baby a cuddle then went down to his lab. There had to be non-noisy baby toys. Maybe Natasha could straighten out Barnes at the same time he was building better baby toys.

***

Steve watched James then looked at Phil Coulson that night. "Do you know anywhere quieter we can go for a weekend?" he asked quietly. James stared at him. "I could use some time in the woods. Something simpler without tv."

"Sounds nice," James admitted. "I could use some quiet." He stared at his kid. "You. Babble. A lot."

"He does, it means he's happy," Natasha said, handing the baby a teething cookie. He liked that and gummed on it. "I'm glad you're cutting more teeth, son. That means you can eat real food later on."

He patted her leg then crawled over to Bruce. He was reading. He wiggled his way between the two, staring at his uncle. "Boo!" he said with a grin.

"Sure, I'll read the scientific journal to you," he said, pulling him up into his lap so he could get back to his reading. He was happy with that and his teething biscuit that was making him drool.

Tony snorted, shaking his head. "There's more interesting journals, Bruce."

"I have them in the bedroom because most of them are deadly dull and stupid." He turned the page, going on with the story for the baby. That made him happy and he stared up at him when he stopped reading. "Sure, I can go on." He finished the journal with the baby's help. Then the baby crawled off to Natasha, who smiled at him when he patted her. He crawled on to Steve, who cuddled him. The baby cuddled back, slobbering on him. Then he crawled over his shoulder onto the back of the couch.

"No," Natasha said, taking him back to sit in her lap. He huffed and crawled off again. Clint let him into his lap but wouldn't let him onto the back of the couch. He did let him look over it. Then at the fake flowers on the table behind Natasha's head. That made him happy enough. He wiggled down, accidentally getting Clint on the dick, and ran to Tony.

"Sure, I can cuddle," he promised. "Just don't kick me like you did your uncle." The baby giggled, hugging him. He was staring at the light he could see. He patted it, staring at his uncle. "That's my arc reactor. You can't play with that. Sorry." The baby tried to get inside his shirt but he stopped him, putting him down. The baby fussed. "You're manipulative," he said with a smile. "I thought only girls were that way, kiddo." Bruce was trying not to laugh. "Did Pepper infect you with girlish things?" Bruce got up to walk off laughing. Alex stared at him then at Tony. "You can chase him. I'm sure he's going to pee." The baby crawled off, pulling himself up on Clint's leg, staring at him. He pulled him into his lap, going back to the tv show. The baby patted his chest then looked at Tony. "No, he doesn't have my arc reactor. That's very smart. Romanoff, your kid's a genius."

"He is very bright. We'll make sure we don't crush that in him." She patted her lap. The baby grinned and patted Clint, babbling at him. "Fine, you sit with your uncle."

Clint looked at the baby, shrugging some. "We like you being all cuddly." Alex spotted his toys and got down to go play with the noisy thing. Tony groaned and went to the lab to hide from the noise. James looked at Steve and they both disappeared to the gym. Clint grinned at Natasha. "He's good."

"He's very manipulative but that can be a good trait at times." Bruce came out to get onto the floor with Alex to play with him. That meant less noise but more squealing. Which probably irritated his father again but oh well. Babies were loud. It was as much of a universal rule as 'your gun will run out of bullets just as the last few people try to kill you'.

***

Alex came wandering in the next morning babbling happily, clearly escaping from Wilhelmina since he didn't have a shirt on. "Dada!" he squealed, making James flinch since he was half asleep. He looked down but the kid was trying to climb Clint.

"Wow, he's renamed you," he said dryly.

"Maybe because I spend time playing with him," he shot back. He put Alex in his lap. "I don't have any food yet, little guy. I'm still on coffee." Alex tried to grab the cup of interesting stuff. Clint held it so he could try some, smiling at his grossed out face. "Yeah, that's big people food, not little guy food. When you're older you can drink coffee. Okay?" He gulped the rest of that cup. "Wilhelmina, did he knock you down again?"

"Peed on me," she complained, coming up the hallway. "I had to clean up and change." She stared at the baby, holding up his shirt. "Want this one instead?" He turned his head and tried to burrow under Clint's shirt. She huffed. "I know you hate clothes shopping but if you don't put the shirt on, we'll make you go shopping again." She smiled in a cheery way. "Now, let's get dressed." She tried to grab him but he managed to get under Clint's bathrobe and his sleeveless t-shirt. Clint flinched. "Sorry, Clint. Didn't know you were ticklish."

"Barely." He took off his shirt and put it onto the baby. "There, how about that?"

"He looks like he's wearing a dress," James mumbled into his cup.

Alex scowled at him. "Baba!" He swatted at him. James went flying into the wall. "Ooooh." He frowned at his hand then at Wilhelmina.

"Don't look at me. You didn't have magic last life, Alex." She picked him up. "C'mon, we'll put warding marks on you so you can't do that again. Natasha, Steve, you need to come pull the father out of the wall. Alex just realized he has magic until I can block it off." Behind her, two of the baby's favorite toys were floating.

"I can see the magic," Bruce said, staring at them, then grinning and waving at the baby since he was. "Good job, Alex. We'll make sure you learn how to do that the right way." He went to look at James. "That's really strong."

"Yes, it is," Clint said. "He called his father bad for making fun of him too." He got up to get the rest of the coffee and make more. Stark came out scowling and took his cup. Clint took it back and sipped. "Mine, Stark. Yours is brewing specially for you." Tony glared at the pot until it gave up the good stuff. Then he turned to stare at the assassin in the wall. "Alex has magic. Barnes picked on him about wearing my t-shirt." He took a drink.

Steve walked in and stared. "Let's extract him." He took the metallic arm. Bruce took the regular one and they heaved him out of the wall, then down to the infirmary to check him over. He came back up a few minutes later. "We'll get James out of the tower for a few days. Maybe he'll be less grumpy."

"Hire him a hooker too," Clint said through a yawn. "Might help."

"Maybe," Tony agreed. "It helps my moods." He sipped his coffee and got up to empty that pot and make more. "What happened?" His AI put up film from that morning. "Huh. Yeah, there's gotta be a way to block that." Bruce walked in.

Wilhelmina walked in carrying the baby, still in Clint's t-shirt. "I've put marks on him to make sure he can't pull it up because he's frustrated. It'll stick around for about six weeks so for now he's okay." She handed him to Bruce, since he was trying to reach him. "Let me make him food."

Natasha came out, noticing the hole in the wall. She looked at Clint, who pointed at the baby. "His firing pets?" she guessed.

"Baby daddy. Alex didn't like being grumped at." He grinned.

Natasha looked at her son. "Interesting. I didn't know we knew magic, Alex." He babbled and waved at her but continued to hug his uncle. "Let's get you into the high chair."

"Give it a minute," Wilhelmina said. "He'll try to get free if it takes too long."

"He's good and cuddly," Bruce said. The same journal floated in. He looked at it then at the baby, who was concentrating more than he did when he laid a huge dump. He poked him on the side and the journal fell.

Wilhelmina looked then sighed. "You're a big bit of trouble today. I'll look up better ways of blocking that off later." Everyone nodded. No one was going to mention it in case Stark wanted to test what magic could do.

***

Natasha watched the two going hunting with a mental sigh. It could be worse but James clearly needed his own space away from them, and the baby. Who was babbling at her knee while grinning. She smiled back, running a hand over his hair. "You are very verbal today. Are you happy, Alex?" He drooled on her finger he pulled over to gum on. "I see you are." She moved him and got onto the floor with him. He pounced her so she hugged him before he knocked her over. She rolled the ball with the bell inside, getting his attention. "Would you like to play?" He squealed and chased after the ball she rolled, nearly taking her necklace with him. She saved it, barely, from the little drooled on fingers.

Stark came out looking pissed off. "Can't I have a hangover in peace?"

The baby pounced him. "Toto," he said with a smile for him.

"Hey, Alex." He patted him on the head. "I've got a headache. Can you be a tiny bit more quiet?" The baby cackled and ran for his ball again. "I guess not," he complained. "Take him to the park?"

"I would but it's raining," she said, pointing at the windows.

He groaned. "Damn it." He went back to his room to hide.

"Alex, let Uncle Tony rest. He has a headache," Natasha said patiently. The baby tried to get to him anyway. She got up to chase him back. He decided it was a game and went to hide with Clint, who was in bed with a cold. Clint felt him trying to climb up on the bed and pulled him up, letting him curl up underneath the blankets. He didn't even mind that only the baby's head was underneath and his feet were up by Clint's ear.

Natasha paused at the door. "JARVIS, please take a photo," she said quietly. Clint blinked at her voice. She pointed. He looked at the half-covered baby then shrugged and grabbed him to shift around then cuddled with him and went back to sleep. Alex was helpful by petting him and cooing at him. "You're very good to your uncle, Alex. We all appreciate that." She came over to take him but Clint waved her off. "Fine. He's happy and active."

"He's nearly one. Go plan his birthday," Clint muttered. She left, going to do that. He looked at the baby, who was staring at him. "Help me rest, Alex. My head hurts. I have a booboo."

"Boo?" he asked, eyes wide.

"No, not Uncle Bruce." He sighed and cuddled him. Alex let him, for a while. Then he wanted to play. Clint let him crawl around the bed. He kept him out of the drawers in the bedside table. Then he had to let the baby onto the floor and protect his weapons. That made him get up and pull on sweat pants instead of a pair of boxers. Alex headed for the bathroom. Clint followed, yawning the whole way. Alex was staring in the toilet so he took his diaper off, which was wet, and sat him on it. "Go in there. Pee for me. I'll give you a new toy if you pee." Alex naturally peed. Clint smiled and hugged him. "Good boy! Very good boy, Alex! You used the potty! That's how big boys do it." Alex grinned and peed some more since his uncle liked it so much. "Great job!" He cleaned him up and got him into a diaper, grabbing one of the toys he had picked up for the upcoming birthday party. Alex hugged his new soft friend, walking out to show mommy. Clint followed. "He went pee."

"He often does," she quipped back.

"In the potty."

"That's a great thing," she said, giving him a hug. "I'm very proud, son. Good job." He showed her the toy. "Yes, that's a good new friend." He found his ball again and ran off after accidentally kicking it. "I should've put that up. Stark has a hangover."

"He's a big boy and knows how to treat those I'm sure," Clint said, sitting beside her on the couch. Alex chased the ball back. Clint kicked it up and handed it to Natasha, but handed the baby a magazine instead. He stared at it then at Clint. "Read it. You can do that. It's got lots of pictures of girls. You'll learn to like girls soon." He climbed up between them with the book, handing it to his mother. Clint smiled.

She took it to read to him. She conveniently skipped the stupid things but he liked the articles on the newest fashion trends and hairstyles.

Stark came back out trudging. "Thanks for trying to keep him quiet."

"Toto!" Alex called, waving at him.

Stark smiled and waved back. "Morning, kiddo. Let Mommy read. That way you dress nicely, like I do." He headed for the coffee pot. He looked down at the tiny pounce, picking the kid up. "This is coffee. It's *really* important that you learn how to make good coffee," he told the baby, who smiled at him. "Good coffee is very important to life. Especially when you're into science like I am." He poured some. Alex fussed at the milk. Tony sniffed it then looked at him. "It's not bad."

Natasha came in to take the milk. "He knows that regular milk works better than skim," she said, handing over the real milk. She took the baby. "We will talk to you about coffee. I think there's a show that shows how to make coffee." She walked off talking to him about coffee since he seemed to enjoy that topic at the moment. Clint had found the 'how do they do it' show on their system so he could watch it. Alex stared at the pictures then looked at her. "That's not home coffee. That's fancy coffee. You have to go out for that." The baby sucked on his thumb while he watched, lounging on his mother's lap.

"The guy does have a nice voice," Clint said through a yawn.

"He does," Stark agreed, coming out to watch with them. He could explain things to the kid. He liked to teach him things.

When Bruce came up from the labs, he and Tony got to teach the baby things. It was good for them to teach. It reminded them that they had stuff to pass on.

***

When Steve and Bucky came back from their weekend away from the team, and kid, they found a huge problem going on. Clint and Natasha were out hunting. Stark was hacking security footage with Coulson helping. Bruce was trying to keep his temper and Pepper was somewhere between crying and going to kill someone. Steve came off the elevator first. He paused. "What happened?" he called.

"Someone took the baby," Bruce said, patting Pepper on the shoulder. "We're not sure why." Steve nodded. "Clint had an idea based on the fuzzy image off his security bracelet so he and Natasha are off hunting."

"Let me gear up," Bucky said, heading for his room. "Steve?"

"I have mine out here." He grabbed what he'd need and changed, pulling out his shield then his guns to strap on. He went down to see what Stark had. "Any idea for us yet?"

"Two," Coulson said, handing back pages. "Both of the same family. Clint thinks it's Peter. We're not certain. Both are in town. We're not sure if they're together or not. Widow, you have backup that just returned. Where am I sending them?" he asked into his microphone. He nodded. "Trump hotel," he said. "Happy hunting."

"Tell us if we need anything," he said, slipping in his earpiece. He came off the elevator into the living room a minute later. Bucky came out pulling on a t-shirt. "Trump hotel." He nodded, following him to the elevator so they could hit the garage. It wasn't that far from the tower and traffic was only mildly annoying today. They got out about a block before it and snuck up on their target. Steve spotted Natasha, who nodded. He nodded back. "Hawkeye," he said quietly. "We a go?"

"Two minutes," he said. "The kid's going to be changed in a minute. He's crapping hard." When he spotted them taking the baby into the bathroom, Clint blew in the window with an arrow. Natasha was in there a second later, with Steve and Bucky right behind and Clint guarding from the outside. Natasha shot all the thugs, Steve got the baby from the guard in the bathroom, and Bucky pulled one of the still-living to question them. They decided to beg for mercy, but he wasn't in that mood. They told him all he wanted to know. Natasha snorted and took the baby to put into the baby snuggler in her pack. They left through the window and went back to the tower. Clint reported they were on their way so Stark and Bruce were waiting on them. "Here," Clint said, handing him to Bruce. "Might still need changed."

"No, they were hitching him back together," Steve said, getting out. "Why did they want him?"

"As a suitable heir," Natasha said, looking at Bucky, who grimaced.

"Coulson sent agents to clean up after you," Stark said, looking at the baby, who was still fussing. "He good?"

"He's been slapped. I'm trying really hard to control my temper." He walked off with the baby. Bucky followed, growling quietly.

Coulson stepped forward. "The director thanked you for handling that issue in a less than messy way. He was more than happy that he was picking them up but had hoped to have a few more alive."

"I have no mercy for them," she said simply.

"If she had, I wouldn't," Clint said.

"I told him the fact you left anyone alive to question was proof you needed a rest," Coulson said, earning a tiny smirk from Natasha. "Go to the infirmary for post mission medical and to check on the baby." She nodded, walking off with Clint. Wilhelmina was still in her bed, sedated. The baby was still fussing and whining until his mother and Clint walked in. Then he wanted Clint. Who cuddled him. He finally let Bucky calm him down.

Natasha looked at the baby then at Bucky. "Maybe he thinks you two are together?"

"He's weird," he said dryly. "He thinks the bird is his dad."

"He does a lot for the baby."

"I'm surprised he decided that's my pet name," Clint said.

"You're a better version than I am," Bucky admitted.

Clint smirked. "You don't know that for sure."

Natasha patted him on the arm. "You can teach him flexibility. It would be a good thing for him to learn." He grinned at her. "Bucky and I will teach him gunplay, you can work on his other weapon skills."

Coulson cleared his throat. "Start with flexibility that seems like a game and move on to other things as he gets older. Not even your child will use a gun before he's two." He crossed his arms over his chest, tipping his head to stare at the baby sucking his thumb against Clint's neck. "Is he all right, Bruce?"

"Beyond the one bruise on his check and the grab marks on his arm, it appears he is. Nothing broken, no other obvious bruises, no mistreatment marks." Coulson nodded. The baby looked at Bruce. "You're going to be okay." He patted him on the head. "You're a good boy, Alex."

Alex grinned at him, putting his head back down. Then he spotted Coulson. "Coco?"

"Close enough," Phil said, taking him to hold. The baby sighed and cuddled in. "Now I know you're all right. You just peed on me." Natasha took him to change but Pepper stole him to do that so she could cuddle the baby. Phil looked at Natasha. "You have wishes that are known?" he asked quietly.

"Yes. In my safe." He nodded, leaving it there. She went to save Pepper from the baby. She was reading to him on the couch by the time she got up to the living room.

"Why did they want him?"

"The one that was questioned mumbled something about being the perfect heir for his weapons dealing empire." Alex grinned at her and waved. She smiled and waved back. "Your aunt is very good to you." The baby put his head down on Pepper's shoulder, grinning at her. She smiled back. "Want me to take him?"

"No. I've got him, Natasha." She nodded, getting up and going into the kitchen. "Can you start some water for tea?" she called after her.

"Of course. That's what I was doing anyway." She watched Pepper talk to the baby, which made him happy. Her son was spoiled with attention. It was probably good for him. Even when he abandoned his aunt for his uncle, who was cuddling next to Pepper. Tony grinned and told him a story about when he was younger and building engines. Her son was going to have a lot of strange ideas about science very soon.

She brought out tea for her and Pepper, and coffee for Tony. Her son looked at the cup Tony was drinking from. Tony let him taste it but he made a gross face. "He's too young to need caffeine," Natasha said, going to get him a bottle of juice. The baby grinned as he took it from her, leaning into the joined arms to drink it, staring up at them. They smiled and told him more about Tony. Natasha sat down to calm down. Her son was very good at that. Clint came off the elevator. The baby waved. Clint smiled and waved back.

Clint came back from changing clothes and sat down. The baby looked at him. "Stay with Tony and Pepper. They need cuddles." The baby wiggled and hugged Pepper, who smiled and hugged him back. The baby spotted his diaper changing robot, squealing at his buddy. It squirted air at him, making him giggle. It was a calming sound to hear for all of them.

***

Two days later, Natasha was frowning at her fussy son. "What's wrong?"

Clint came out of the kitchen. "The diaper changing robot was nudging him earlier." He sat down, pulling the baby over. He still fussed. Clint looked down his diaper then looked at him. "You haven't peed in three hours? That's not like you." The baby pouted. "Yell for Uncle Bruce? We need Uncle Bruce."

"Booooooo!" Alex squealed. They grinned at him for that.

Bruce came off the elevator. "JARVIS said you needed me?"

"He hasn't peed in at least three hours," Clint said.

Bruce stared at the baby. "That's not like you. Let's take you to look you over." He carried him off. Even when he took off the diaper, no peeing. "That's not a good thing." He checked what he could. Yup, his bladder was full. Natasha walked in. "Do you want me to use a catheter on him?"

"Does he need one?"

"His bladder's full."

"If it won't cause more problems. I'll call his normal pediatrician." He nodded, running a line into the poor little guy's peepee. Alex hated it but they needed to release the pressure. Bruce collected it to test. When it was done, he removed it carefully and gave the baby some baby advil. Then he tried an ultrasound to make sure he didn't have any kidney stones. He did. There was pieces inside the catheter bag. The tube had moved it and allowed it to get out more easily. When Natasha came back he pointed at the bag.

She held it up to look. "Is that a kidney stone?" Bruce nodded, handing over the urine scan results. "I'm bringing him in later."

"Let's mark the time of change on this diaper." He put one on the baby and put a time on the waistband in marker. "There you go. I'll send scans of the kidney stone to your phone."

"Thank you." She walked off carrying him and the papers. "Barton?" she called into the gym. The baby fussed, wanting him. Clint took him to hold. "I'm taking him to the baby doctor. He has a UTI and kidney stones. Bruce had to use a catheter."

"Poor guy," he said, looking at the baby. "C'mon, I'll drive."

"I drive," she said dryly. He shrugged and they went together to make sure she didn't have to fight her way out of the pediatrician's office by herself. The nurse was amused at them having test results. So was the doctor. Natasha showed him the close up of the stones.

"That's bad." He looked at the diaper then at her. "It's been two hours?"

"He's never went over an hour and a half between pees," Clint said. "Usually about once an hour."

"Does he drink a lot?" They shook their heads. "He just likes to pee?"

"Yes. Especially since Stark built him a diaper changing robot that squirts him," Clint said dryly. "His father's worried he'll be gay because of it." Natasha hit him on the arm without looking. Clint smirked at her. "He is."

"You're the stepfather?"

"No, I'm the favorite uncle. He calls me Dad sometimes."

"That's...an unusual living arrangement."

She stared at him then shifted her leather jacket out of the way to show the SHIELD emblem she still hadn't removed from her uniform. "We live with coworkers and his nanny."

"That makes more sense. Is he safe there?" She nodded. "You're certain?"

"One of the times he wasn't, it was our bosses," Clint said. "They learned. Now they help." He smirked a tiny bit. The doctor cleared his throat. Alex fussed when he pressed on his stomach. "Calm down, Alex," Clint soothed, patting him on the back. "It's all right. He's trying to make you feel better."

"I'm not sure why he's getting a kidney stone. He's not drinking soda?" They both shook their heads. "Does he drink too often?"

"Three to four bottles a day, depending on when he eats," Natasha said. "Sometimes a midnight snack one if he's fussy."

"Plus whatever he can beg out of our cups when we're drinking," Clint said. "He got me for half a cup of regular milk the other day." They all looked at the diaper ripping fart the baby had just let out. "Wow," Clint quipped. "Bit of a problem, Alex?" The baby grinned and waved. "Just air I think."

Natasha looked and nodded. "So far. I think that's about to change." The doctor shook his head, making notes in the chart. Yes it was changing so they got to change and the doctor looked less than pleased about the state of the diaper. She considered it then looked at the kid. "Did you help Uncle Steve eat his wheat biscuit cereal again?"

"Clearly," Clint complained. They got him cleaned up and the doctor looked at the tiny peepee. Which still didn't let anything out, even when the doctor pressed on his full bladder. "Bruce had to ...intubate, even though we hate the very thought of catheters."

"Sometimes it helps," the doctor agreed. "I don't want to put him on one either." He looked at the hole. "He was very delicate. There's no swelling." He looked over. "Does this Bruce have a lot of experience with penises?"

"Dr. Banner? As far as I know he doesn't," Natasha said. "He's one of our teammates." He gaped in horror at her. She shrugged. "He's the one that Alex most usually sees for minor kid injuries."

"Falling after chasing his diaper changing robot," Clint sighed, shaking his head.

She punched him on the arm. "That was Stark's fault."

"Probably true," he agreed. He pulled up a video on his phone and showed it to the doctor. The doctor didn't seem to want to smile but he did. "It's weird but the little guy loves his squirty friend." They all moved away from the almost fountain of pee, and the screaming the kid was doing during it. "Yup, you've got another one up there." He cleaned him up and cuddled him. "I'm sorry we can't stop that. If I could, I would."

The doctor cleaned it up and looked at the cloth. "There's debris in here too." He bundled it up. "Let me look at it under the scope. I'll be right back." They nodded, soothing the baby. Once he was in the hallway he looked at his nurse. "They're Avengers?" he muttered. She nodded with a grin. "Is that safe for the baby?"

"They do the best they can, the same as all other parents do." He nodded, taking the sample to look at. He came back grimacing. "What do you need?"

"Sense," he said, knocking then walking in. "It's salt."

"Salt?" Natasha demanded. "He's not allowed to have salted food. Wilhelmina would throw fits if we fed him anything with salt. She makes all his food so he doesn't get any when we cook."

"It's still crystalized sodium."

Natasha and Clint shared a look then shrugged. "Will it dissolve?" Clint asked. "Some other way to treat it beyond a catheter?"

"I don't think they'll break up by ultrasound, which is how we do calcium kidney stones." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Is there anything ...unusual about him?"

"When we first got him he was peeing black, tarry stuff but we found out the lab he had been made in exposed him to fish essence somehow," Natasha said. "That was all detoxed, we made sure of it."

"A...lab?" he asked. She nodded. "So he's not naturally done?"

"No. They decided they wanted to see what my child would be like. So far he's very smart, a bit of a smartass, and loves weapons." She frowned some. "I found him lying on top of a rocket launcher the other day. Fortunately we had disarmed it already."

"They're his favorite pet," Clint agreed. "But he goes into fits of joy at ancient weapons. He likes shiny things."

"Many babies do but they get things like mirrors and keys."

"We had a delivery," Clint said. "For work purposes. He managed to figure out how to climb out of bed and found them to cuddle and pee on."

"You're not exactly the normal family we see."

"All the fun of being an Avenger," Clint quipped with a grin.

"I can see that. Is he ahead on any spectrums?"

"We have no idea," Clint admitted. "We're all a bunch of bachelors. I've only handled kids when I was in the circus as a kid. I did some babysitting for the other families." He shrugged. "Pepper knows a few people with kids. Stark considers him like a really lifelike, learning robot sometimes because he's not the best around non-geniuses. Bruce says he's really smart and I guess he's seen kids being a doc around the world. Steve got raised with a few when he went to the orphanage." He shrugged again. "As far as we know he's kinda smart and a little bit of a smartass and likes stories."

"Let me do a few tests." He pulled out a few things. "This is to test his vision, to see how well he focuses." They watched as he did that, making notes. The other tests, including reflex, hearing by snapping fingers, and trying to get his attention back when it wandered didn't take that long. The doctor looked at him. "He's advanced but not highly advanced." He looked at her. "Are we expecting anything...odd to show up?"

"As far as we know, what makes his father and I special hasn't. Bruce is looking out for that."

"That's good to know. If he does, let me know so I can factor that into other tests?" They nodded. "He has no focus."

"We've seen what looks like baby ADD," Clint agreed.

"All babies have no attention span. It should lengthen but we'll keep an eye out for that." He made that note. "The father has it?"

"I did not know him until he was an adult," she said. "I did not or if I did, the training I went through as a child fixed any problems I had."

"Any in your family?"

"They died when I was four."

"Do you know anything about your family's medical history?"

"I would assume it was clean considering I was picked for the training I went through. Anything hereditary would have been considered a liability."

The doctor nodded. "If you can find some way of finding out things like cancer in your family it may be important some day." She nodded she understood that. "Other than that, we have two options for the problems, neither one is going to be comfortable for him. We can put him into the hospital and give him nice painkillers while he pees out those crystals. Or you can do it the way you have been and give him painkillers at home. He'll get better ones at the hospital."

They shared a look. "It's probably better if he's at home for now," she said, looking at the doctor again. "If we run into problems, we'll have him admitted."

"Okay. Let me write out instructions for your infirmary." He wrote them down to hand to her plus two prescriptions. "Put him on pedialyte just in case. I don't think he'll become dehydrated but that diaper was a bit loose. Watch the amount of tylenol so you don't cause some liver toxicity. Figure out why he's got salt crystals instead of regular ones." They nodded, Clint taking the papers while she picked up the baby.

"Let me know how it's going and if he spikes a fever, or if you can't get them out in about two days, he's going to have to be admitted. We can figure out how to admit him to a private hospital so it's safer for him." She smiled and nodded, shaking his hand before leaving. They paid their fees and left. He made a lot of notes about the baby then handed it to his head nurse. "Lock this file up. It only comes out when we have to." She nodded, taking it to his safe.

This was very weird and he'd be keeping this child's forms on paper instead of online.

***

Clint walked into the infirmary with the baby and the paperwork. "He puked on mom in the garage," he said, handing the papers over and putting the baby onto the bed. He got fussed at so hopped up to cuddle him. "The doctor's a bit paranoid."

"That's always a good thing." He frowned as he read. "Okay, that's what we'll do."

"Can he be mobile with a bag?"

"Maybe." He looked up. "We might be able to rig up something. I have to get some baby sized urine bags and another catheter." Clint nodded. "Is he okay?"

"The doc forced some out by squeezing at the right moment. He should be okay for at least another twenty."

Tony walked in with three bags. "The pharmacist was not amused until I told him the baby had a kidney stone. Then he's horrified."

"So was the doctor," Clint said. Bruce got everything ready and came over to take off the baby's diaper and insert the line. Clint had to look away and was trying hard not to cover his own. All guys hated catheters. Natasha came in and helped hold the wiggly one down. Tony got the painkillers administered. They taped the bag to the baby's stomach and thigh then redressed him. Almost immediately, another small crystal came out and so did some pee so that was good. It also let Alex wander and pout at people. He went to pout at Pepper, who cuddled him but looked at the bulky plastic thing. Clint followed to take him back. "Kidney stone."

"Ow, poor guy," she said, taking him back to cuddle some more. "Is there anything we can do? I noticed the appliance."

"Like big boys, he's got to pee them out. If he's not better in a few days, he's got to go to the hospital."

"I can find a good private hospital that has a pediatric unit," she said. She looked at him. "Go cuddle the Uncle Clint and I'll find some nice people to take care of you." Alex fussed some but let his uncle pick him up and take him off. She got to work looking up private hospitals.

Coulson met Clint at the elevator, taking the baby from him. "Come help me do my breathing exercises, Alex. We'll cuddle during it." The baby yawned and put his head on his shoulder, sucking on his thumb. Natasha gave him a bottle of sports drink and let him take the baby down to the gym he used. His physical therapist was waiting. "Sorry, we just got him back from the baby doctor."

"Shots?"

"Kidney stone."

"Ow. Not a displeasure I've ever had," she said. "He can cuddle while we work. He's been good all the other times he's come in with you, Agent Coulson." He nodded, settling in to start the breathing exercises. The baby sucked on his bottle and cuddled, watching what they were doing. When they were finally done he was almost asleep and didn't want to be moved.

Bucky walked in and came to carefully lift him, keeping him in the same position. "We'll let you nap on the couch." He carefully carried him off like he'd explode. He still wasn't used to the kid. Natasha put down her book and took him to hold. That made the baby grumble but a few head nudges made him realize he was on Mom so that was fine. He went back to sleep. "How soon before we know if he's got to be admitted?"

"Two days without it being cured or a serious fever." She ran her fingertips over his forehead. "You're running a fever already." The baby flinched. "It's just us." He stared at her. "Are you all right?" He pouted and went back to his bottle, casually sucking on it. "I think it's empty. Want some more?" Bucky took it to get him more. She shifted the baby. "We'll handle it." She checked the bag, very little had come out. "You usually pee a lot more than that. We need to get you back to that."

Clint came out, waving his heating pad and the cover he had for it. "This could help." He set up a nest for him, letting him curl up on the warm pad and take the bottle back to drink some more. Bruce came up with a small ultrasound machine but the baby flinched away from him. "It's okay, Alex. Let Uncle Bruce look at your belly."

Bruce frowned. "I'm not getting a good image." They took him down to the infirmary to use the full machine. That gave them a pretty good picture of what was wrong. Bruce moved the wand to try to push some of them back. It let the baby pee more. Bruce took another one and shook his head. "Let's take him to be admitted." Natasha called Pepper, who had the name of a good hospital locally while Clint called the doctor. He got them admitted while they brought the baby down. Bruce shook hands with the doctor. "The ultrasound I took about an hour ago." He let them see the printed copies.

"What are those?" the hospital's doctor asked, staring at them. "Kidney stones?"

"They're calcium and sodium, not the usual ones," the baby's doctor said. "How many have come out?"

"I had to move some away so he could pee. I've got him on a bag, have since he got home." They looked at the contents of the bag. Not a lot. "He's usually a highly effective urinator. He usually pees at least once every two hours."

"Usually once an hour," Clint said. "Often through the holding capacity of the diaper."

"That's a lot for a guy his age," the hospital doctor said.

Natasha nodded. "He seems to like it." Bruce nodded.

"We can look at that afterward," the hospital's doctor said. "What have you given him so far?" Bruce laid out his notes from today. "That's not a bad idea. Or the catheter. It's probably making it easier for him to bring them out." He nodded. "We'll admit him. His fever is worrying and so is the amount of debris in his bladder. Let me get a urologist to look him over once he's upstairs." He looked at mother and uncle. "Are we going to need special security for him?"

"We should be enough," Natasha said. "Most of us will take shifts to watch over him. If not, we'll be discreet about such things."

"Thank you." He got the admitting paperwork done and the pediatrician went back to his office. They walked the baby up to his room, nodding at the nurses that came in.

"How much mobility does he have?" the nurse in charge asked.

"He's walking," Clint said. "Often. Sneaks out of his bed, into ours, though he's still got a slight problem climbing."

The nurse nodded, making that note. "Is this his first health problem?"

"A few teething fevers. Nothing unusual," Natasha said. "Though he was exposed to fish essence by the people who had him born." The nurse looked at her. She stared back. "His father had a talk with them once we found out he was in existence."

The nurse nodded. "I would've done the same thing but my husband hates the sight of blood." She smiled at Clint. "No openly worn weapons. We have two kids on the ward that got shot during a break-in and they got really freaked out at a simple taser in a holster from our guards."

"Got it," he said. "We can subtly wear them." She nodded, checking his vitals. "He's not a picky eater. He'll try to sample anything you're eating or drinking. Doesn't like coffee yet. He has a fondness for toast and pastries."

"Most kids do," the nurse said with a smile. "I have four."

Natasha stared at her. "I'm so sorry."

The nurse laughed. "I conveniently forgot what diapers are like between." She ran a hand over Alex's hair. "You're a good boy, Alex." He grumbled at her. "You rest." She looked at them. "Anything he's allergic to in any sense?" They shook their heads. "His usual diet?"

"Wilhelmina cooks his specially so she can smash it up," Clint said. "He's almost no salt at all. She's got him eating all sorts of veggies. He drinks a bottle with each meal and if we're tired and he's not in the middle of the night he'll get another one."

"He's not sleeping through?"

"He likes to wander," Natasha admitted.

"Some kids do." She finished up the preliminary notes. "We have the urologist coming down in about an hour or so. He's in surgery. He's a bit...grumpy." They nodded. "I'm going to change out his collection bag so we can test the samples of debris in it and it for infection signs." They nodded. She replaced the bag and took it with her.

When the urologist walked in he didn't look pleased. "How much soda does he drink?"

"None," Clint said. The doctor stared at him. "He's milk, juice, water, and pedialyte when necessary. Most of us don't drink soda around the tower." The doctor nodded once. "We also got told they're not the usual sort of kidney stone."

The nurse walked in. "The tests on one of them," she said, handing it over. "It's not a standard kidney stone according to the lab. His urine screen." He grimaced at it but tucked it into the folder. She checked and frowned. "He's hardly let any out."

"Bruce had to push some of the debris away from the opening so he could pee before," Natasha said. "That's when he decided we should admit him."

"It's a good idea," the urologist said. "I saw the scans. It's like gel in there from what we can tell." They nodded. "How's his usual diet?"

"Wilhelmina cooks specially for him so it's no salt, low sugar, mostly veggies," Clint said. "She's got him a special food processor."

"That's a good thing. I wish more parents would." He came over to touch the baby's stomach. "It's not hard, which is a good sign." He stepped back. "Any other abnormalities we've found?"

"No, so far he seems to be a bright little boy," Clint said. "I'm one of his favorite uncles so he finds me most of the time whenever he wants to. He plays, he squeals, he runs, he pees on us, usually a lot more often than others seem to think is normal."

"How often is he filling a diaper?"

"Usually every few hours," Natasha said. "And usually he's on the verge of over-filling the diaper. He had been doing about once an hour but in the last month or so it's stretched out to about every two, two and a half hours."

"That's a lot. Have we had his blood sugar tested?"

"As far as I know," Clint said, looking at Natasha.

She nodded, pulling up his file from the tower. "This is Bruce's file for him in our infirmary." She let him see it.

"I see he did as part of his beginning bloodwork. How old was he when he was retrieved?"

"Four months," Clint said. "He'll be one in a few days."

The doctor handed the phone back and made notes in the chart. "We need to do a dye contrast scan."

"Like you do on hearts?" Clint asked. "We were watching the discovery channel the other day with him. It distracted him while an uncle had a hangover."

"Basically the same procedure, yes. We can do it tonight." He looked at Natasha, who nodded. "Okay, I'll schedule that. Perhaps we can flush it out more easily." He left, going to set things up. The baby got some juice when he woke up. He got a bit fussy but his uncle settled beside him and found the discovery channel shows on their system. The baby settled down to cuddle him.

***

Fury walked in alone that night, staring at Natasha. "Kidney stones?"

"Made of more sodium than the usual calcium we get," she said. She checked the baby, who was sleeping with Clint on the bed, then looked at him again. "They've flushed some out. He's peeing more normally."

"Any idea if this is more complications from the stuff he got exposed to?"

"It's thought so at this time."

"Anything we can do?" She pointed behind him and he called off that agent. "We're trying to make sure he's safe."

She stared at him. "Before you wanted him as an experiment."

"I thought it'd be safer than there." He looked around then at her. "No nanny?"

"They nearly killed her to snatch him. She's still in the infirmary but they've talked over the phone. He fussed for her but she calmed him down. Then he went under for the tests."

"That's good." He looked at the baby then at her again. "Relax, Hawkeye. I'm not going to try anything."

"That's probably a good idea. We're all running on little sleep." He couldn't move. "Nat, he's using my holster as his teddy bear again."

She came over to untangle the baby. "There, son," she soothed. "Let Uncle Clint up." He got up and went to the bathroom.

"Dada," Alex fussed.

"Shh, I have you." He cuddled her, pouting at the new person. "This is Director Fury. We used to work for him."

Fury snorted. "Not like I fired you. Not many agents could take us down in a surgical strike from a bookstore, Romanoff." Clint came out, leaning on the doorway. The baby fussed so he settled with him again. "He's really bonded with you."

"I'm his favorite uncle," he agreed. "Even over his dad and the uncle that made him the diaper changing robot."

Fury shook his head. "Great."

"He does love that robot," Natasha said. "He likes to play chase with it as well."

"Figures Stark made him his first robot."

"What guy wouldn't like a robot that was there to clean him up with a suction tube and a spraying wand," Clint said dryly. "Bucky's seriously worried he'll be gay thanks to all the ball spraying it does."

Fury nodded. "I can see that point." He looked at Natasha again, noticing the tiny little smirk. "Want guards?"

"We're doing it in shifts," she said. "If we must, then please. Especially if there's a battle."

"Of course. I'll keep Hill away from him too. She's confused or something about him." They shrugged. "Need anything else?"

"Him on our insurance?" Clint asked.

"He has been since he appeared," Fury assured him and left them there. One of his agents brought them a good, supportive dinner with coffee. They told her where they had agents layered for their safety and left them alone. Bruce and Coulson came in to check on them, Coulson giving them a break and Bruce staying to go over the chart with the nurse when she came in with it. The baby cuddled up with his uncle and fussed himself back to sleep.

***

Two days later, Stark showed up with Pepper, who left after a long cuddle of the baby. Stark sat down, looking at the kid. "You good?" The baby pouted. "I know, you want to be up running and all that." He patted him on the thigh. "I snuck in your friend even though he can't change you." The robot came in when he clicked the remote. His 'nephew' squealed and grinned, reaching over to pat it. The nurse peeked in but Tony waved her off. Alex shifted over to cuddle his robot friend. "Do not touch the line," Tony warned. "But you can change him. It's making him happy. He needs some cheer." The robot got the baby stripped down and was happily spraying him, which brought more nurses to watch what was going on. Tony grinned. "It's his diaper changing robot."

The head nurse nodded. "Does it always do that?"

"Yup. It has a tube for if he pees during it." He snapped and the robot put out all his tubes for show. "We had to adjust it because of a lack of water one day, but other than that it's set to be no less than four inches from his butt." The baby got put back into the bed and tucked in. The robot sucked up some stuff on the floor, shooting it at Stark then rolling off. "No bothering others," he warned. It honked and found a baby that needed changed. The nurses hadn't gotten to her yet. She squealed in joy too when the robot changed and sprayed her clean then did up her diaper and presented the old one to the nurses before it trundled off.

"You're very handy," the head nurse said. "Go back to playing with your boy. We've got the others." It honked and headed back to pat his boy. She took the diaper to look over and notate. The baby girl was very happy now and no longer fussing at everything. She even let them feed her. She took down the footage of that for the parent, the doctors, and for their pleasure. The other nurses were amused by it too. Especially when a set of parents started to argue up the hall with one of the nurses so the robot came out to spray them until they quit. They spluttered but quit arguing. The head nurse gave it a pat as it rolled past. "Thank you." It honked happily.

The urologist came in to check the baby but the head nurse stopped him to watch that video. He sighed. "It's good he's happy."

"The other one it changed got happier too." He looked at her then watched that video. He just nodded and walked off. She smiled. At least he didn't seem upset.

The urologist walked into Alex's room, looking at the mother. "He likes that?"

"A lot. It's his favorite playmate," Natasha said dryly, looking at the robot. Then back at the doctor. "We've only had one problem and Stark fixed it immediately when the nanny found out."

"That's...kind of weird."

"With as often as he usually pees, it's fairly handy, even with the nanny."

The doctor nodded. "He was peeing a lot by what you reported. Once we get this done, we'll make sure he has no kidney problems." She nodded. He checked the urine in the bag then looked at Alex's tiny peepee before touching his stomach. That got some fussing. "He's full."

"He's had three bottles of water, one bowl of oatmeal with fruit, and one bottle of formula since he got up."

"Okay," the doctor agreed. "That's a good amount but pretty normal for his age." He pressed again. More urine came out but it wasn't yellow and it wasn't moving like thin fluid. "We might have to go in to clean it out better."

"Would that require surgery?"

"It would. We can cut a small hole and insert a suction hose. We need to make sure he's not making more." She nodded once. "It's not a problem but if it gets any thicker it will be."

"I can understand that." She looked at her son then at him again. "Future problems?"

"Shouldn't be any as long as we stop them from coming."

"Is there some way to stop that at the same time?"

"I do not know," he admitted. "We could probably flush his kidneys but that would take a lot of surgery and it'd mean some dialysis for a few days."

"I'd rather we not," she said. "I don't want to look at it like a partial transplant."

"It's part of the same procedure. It'd take a longer surgery."

"Then let's wait. We're not sure they're coming from his kidneys."

"True. Do you want to go with the suctioning?"

She got up to look at her son, nodding. "If it would be best."

"It's fastest and easiest. If we let this keep happening we might end up with a rupture."

"That would be worse," she decided. "We can do that while he's asleep?"

"Of course. It shouldn't take more than an hour or so to do it."

"That would be fine." She texted Clint and the others. She looked up. "I will consent. We can set up in the waiting area?"

"Yes. We don't encourage parents to watch the surgeries. They don't tend to last very well."

"I have seen worse things being done," she admitted. "But I can let one of the others watch over him for me." He nodded, getting the paperwork and setting up the surgery. She signed the permission forms. Bucky was there by then and followed him down to the surgical suite.

The urologist looked at him. "Uncle?"

"Biological father. I've seen worse and the kid's not real fond of me usually because I don't play as much."

"Okay. You have someone to help you in case you get upset with the procedure? I've had SEALs who couldn't stand to watch it." He stared at him. "Including me when it was my own kid being circumcised."

"Steve will hold me down." He nodded, taking the baby to get him ready. They had used some sedative drops to knock him out before leaving the room. That solved some problems until they could intubate him and put him on a different IV solution. Bucky watched, feeling Steve coming up behind him. "Hey."

"Hey. Natasha said they're going to suck out all the crud?"

"That's what she said. I didn't ask."

Steve patted him on the back. "It's all right. Maybe they can find the cause and end it." Bucky flinched when they made the cut for the probe. "Sit down. Watch the entry." Bucky glared. "Now. I'll watch him." Bucky huffed but went to check the entries to the area. Steve winced as he watched the long probe be stuck into the tiny body.

Bucky looked down there. "I wonder if I had that done."

"Don't know. I have no idea how they did your arm."

"Me either. I woke up and it was there." Wilhelmina stomped in. "They're sucking all the crud out."

She grimaced. "Eww." She glanced in then sat down to wait. "I saw the robot."

"He's helped on the ward from what Natasha said. It helped a little girl who was having problems. It sprayed a fighting couple," Steve said. They all looked down there. The doctor was removing a larger lump that was stuck. "They may have found it."

Wilhelmina looked down there then shrugged. "No idea where that would have come from."

"Fish stuff?" Bucky guessed.

"No idea," she repeated.

"We can test it," Steve said. He watched nurses come and go up the hall. When Alex came out to go to recovery, they followed. Natasha was down there waiting on them. The doctor came out with a lab report and a picture. Natasha looked at it then called Bruce. He showed up with someone from SHIELD's science teams. "Fish stuff?" Steve guessed.

"Something they gave him when he was kidnaped the other day," Bruce said. He frowned at the report on the lump. "That's interesting."

"We've seen smaller ones caused by the medicine for brainwashing but why would he use that on a child?"

"If he's living, ask him," the doctor said.

"He's not," Natasha said. "One of his people is."

"I'll ask him when I get back," the scientist said. "Or I'll tell the Director and he'll ask." They all nodded. "I'll test the medicine we use to counter that to see if it's safe for him and if it will stop that problem," he told the urologist then looked at Natasha, who nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Spense." He shook his hand. "It's something we don't often think about." He left with a photocopy of those things.

Bruce shook his head. "His bloodwork didn't show any," he told Natasha.

"It's absorbed very quickly," she said quietly. "It won't show up in a tox panel, that's why they use it to break people in case they're saved. That way they don't know what was being done."

"Which leaves agents compromised so they're not allowed back," Steve said. Natasha nodded. "All right, that's bad. If there's more, invite us to that party, Natasha."

"Gladly." She looked at the tiny body on the bed. He was purring. "That's normal at least."

The urologist went to check and smiled. "It's adorable." He came out. "Biological parents only in there. Go up to his room. It'll be about an hour." They nodded, going to get things for Natasha.

Natasha got up to calm her son down when he fussed. "You are fine. I'm right here." He sucked on her fingers and went back to sleep.

***

The nurse later that night came in to empty his urine bag, staring at it. "You are a peeing little guy, aren't you?"

"Yes, he is," Natasha said. "Often." The nurse smiled, but took a sample to test and threw the rest out after noting the amount. It got reattached to catch a new bit of pee and she left.

Natasha looked at her son, who was grinning. "Want some oatmeal?" She held up the package. He giggled. She got up to make some and brought it back to feed him. He inhaled it and was happy to be eating. He cooed at the nurse when she came back, making her pat him on the head. "Eat, son. It's time to eat." He grabbed the spoon to try to feed himself so she gently guided his hand into his mouth. "Like that so you don't wear as much."

"Most kids get messy," the nurse said. She took his temperature in his ear, making him duck away from her. "Just a second, love." She did that and took numbers from his machines then changed his IV bag. "With any luck, he'll be off the IV tomorrow." She looked at the urine bag. "He is peeing a lot."

"He often overloads diapers," Natasha said dryly. "Since day one. He woke me up by peeing all over my bed. Since then it's been a rush to change him when he pees." She fed him another bite.

"Take down how much liquid you're feeding him?" Natasha nodded, pointing at the pad beside her. The nurse took note of it and put the notepad back before going to put the notes into the baby's chart.

When the urologist checked on him later, he frowned at the amount of fluid out. He went to check. "We emptied the bag an hour ago?" he asked.

Natasha nodded, handing over her note. "He's had that much fluid and food today by mouth."

He looked at it then at the urine bag. "He really does pee too much." Natasha nodded. He handed back the notepad and checked the baby's incision then his kidneys. "Some kids do have hyper kidneys but it usually calms down."

"We'd love to pay less for diapers," she said.

"I bet." He straightened up. "I'll do an ultrasound of them when I do his bladder tomorrow. Without dye contrast." Natasha nodded once. Clint walked in with a bag of food for them. The baby leaned over to see what it was. Clint handed him a small bowl of fruit. The baby squealed, sticking a fist into the food to suck off his fingers. "We'll do another A1c test too, just in case to make sure it's not diabetes."

"If we could contain that, we'd all be pleased," Natasha said. She noticed the red face while he was eating the fruit. "You're good at multitasking," she said.

Clint looked at the baby, putting his burger away. "I'll get this one."

"Thank you." He took the baby when he grinned at them, making him fuss at the loss of fruit. "You'll have it back in a minute. Let me change you. You don't need to sit in that. It's gross."

The urologist came in to look, nodding. "Very gross. We can probably end the IV." He disconnected it and rolled it out of the way. Clint finished changing him and handed him to Natasha to put back down while he washed his hands. "We're going to keep track of his in and output tomorrow plus do that bloodwork." He watched the baby eat. "He does good."

"He's almost never eating meat," Clint said. "He gets beans. He likes refried beans."

"That's a lot like baby food anyway," the urologist agreed. "I'll have that order put in and draw the blood in the morning." He walked out to make that note. "Don't micro-manage but keep track, please. Do the bloodwork in the morning. I'll do the ultrasound tomorrow afternoon." They nodded, making notes. They both ignored the fact that the diaper changing robot had snuck off to help a few more kids, who were laughing and happier now.

***

Clint and Natasha brought Alex home two days later. Alex was happy to be home, he toddled off to hug his Uncles and try to hide inside Tony's shirt with him. Tony looked down the neckhole, smiling at him. "I'll save you from the nurses flirting. You good?"

"He's fine," Clint said. Natasha was putting his diaper bag into his room. "The little peeing monster is back. It was definitely related to the stuff they gave him. It's all cured now and he's back to peeing like normal." Tony was still staring down his shirt at the kid. "He sucking on the arc reactor, Stark?"

"No, he nuzzling it with his cheek. It loves you too, Alex. Just like we do." The baby grinned at him and patted it. "Uncle Steve's wanting cuddles." The baby waved through the shirt.

Natasha walked in. "Son, would you like dinner?" she asked. He came out for that, letting her put him into his high chair. "It's your birthday, isn't it?"

"We're doing his birthday dinner tomorrow," Tony said. "Someone forgot to pick up a cake."

"That's fine," Clint agreed. He settled into his seat, looking at the baby then at the others. "The nurses were all amused when he showed off by peeing on everything." They all grinned. "Stark, the robot's in the lab. It's got another clogged line but this time it presented the kid it snuck off to change to the nurse and went to pout in a corner."

"Better than what it did last time," Steve said.

"Easily fixed," Tony promised. They all looked at the sound of water hitting the floor. "Yup, he's back."

"We have got to find higher capacity diapers," Clint complained, taking him to change. Natasha got the stuff to clean up the mess. "Alex, you really need to learn how to use the potty sometime soon, little man. Please?" He dodged the new pee missile while he changed him and cleaned them both up before going back to the kitchen. "Stark, isn't there something more absorbent than a diaper?"

"Probably but I have no idea how to merge them."

"An interior pad should work," Natasha said. "Why am I at the stove?"

"We don't know since dinner's already cooking," Bruce teased, patting her on the arm. "You need to rest."

"Mamamamama," Alex cooed, petting her when she sat down. Bruce handed over the bowl of baby vegetables she had smashed up. He ate for her and then got put down to run around for a bit. Which meant he ended up inside Tony's t-shirt again, nuzzling his arc reactor.

"We need to make you a teddy bear with one of those," he said quietly. "That way you don't get hurt." He got up and picked up the baby too, going down to his lab to work on that idea. That meant Clint and Natasha got to have a full night's sleep. Steve would help Tony watch the baby with Bruce up the hall in another lab and Bucky on guard tonight. That seemed to work out well since they hadn't told Wilhelmina he'd be back tonight.

They could handle the baby Avenger. Even if he would grow up a bit weird thanks to all of their little quirks being passed on.

The End.