By the time Xander got up for breakfast, Hill was looking up large manors and castles that could be staffed with a well balanced, rather large security force for the kid. He'd have plenty of people to talk to that way and be safer. So she didn't have to deny the wishes of another few arms dealers and one guy who was into bioterrorism so she had no idea why he wanted Xander. It was a good but expensive plan. Could Xander handle that cost?
Xander stumbled out to start coffee and then went to clean up and dress. Hill didn't say anything about him being in just underwear, it was his house. Xander came back out and noticed the windows were open. "Did we have problems?"
"I have minions, Xander. We didn't have them for very long." He slumped but nodded. "You can go rest some more if you need to. I'm on to guard you today. Phil called in a blackmail favor." She smiled. "And it's a lot nicer than my paperwork is so thank you." He went back to his room, going to cuddle up to the dogs.
She went back to looking at the real estate the boy needed. There were none nearby or she'd suggest that instead. Barton would be upset if the kid moved to Europe. She hated seeing Barton pout. He stole people's snacks to eat while sulking until Natasha either joined him in sulking or made him stop it.
Maybe he could build one around here. It'd make it easier to staff the guard detail from former agents.
Xander came back out. "Who was it this time?"
"Two arms dealers and one that was into bioterrorism."
Xander grimaced. "Not my field, sorry."
"Why would he want you?"
"Beyond the usual? Maybe he heard I have that healing gift?"
"That could be. The files from that hospital in Spain were leaked."
He rolled his eyes. "Great." He made himself food and handed her a plate too. "Eat."
"Thank you, Xander. Phil's praised your cooking a few times."
He shrugged but settled in. "I don't know how to stop them and even if I had a boyfriend they probably still wouldn't stop."
"We can move you to a bigger place where you can have a guard unit."
"Which would put them in danger. I'd hate for that sort to kill them for being my bodyguard."
"I was thinking a full house guard team. Not just a bodyguard but a true guard team to work with you."
"That's really expensive."
"That's a consideration. Plus where we could find a good house to hide you in."
"I do need to talk to people."
"I know. You're a social sort. You'd probably have more than ten guards."
"I really can't afford that, Hill. Unlike that other me from Miami, I'm not that rich. I don't have demon suitors and I don't get reparations. I barely get to loot when I'm rescued."
"Is that because we have a less populous demonic presence?"
"Yeah. Probably." He nodded a bit. "Unlike that Xander, I'm not as tough as he is. I'm more like the original one."
"Original one?"
"The original one was the one with Oz at home. Then someone had a what if so Miami Xander's reality spun off. He's a lot tougher than I am."
"Okay," she agreed. "I'm aware of the multiverse." He nodded that was what he was talking about. "If it was under six million a year would that be too much?"
"Probably. My current budget is two hundred thou a year and I'm already over thanks to traveling back."
"What about selling some of those tacky presents?"
"That would flood the market with jewels, which would lower the value."
"All right." She considered it. "We can subtly do that." He shrugged but nodded. "Would you be able to move the gardens?"
"I did make it so I could move them some day. I'd have to move someday because I'm not aging like everyone else."
"I didn't think about that issue either." She thought about the possible plans. "A guard might be a good idea anyway. We can get one that can live on site with you."
"He'd still have to handle the ones that break in and I'm trying to be self-reliant."
"That would help you with that."
"Maybe but it'd probably end up hurting them or upsetting them. It's not something someone wants to do daily."
"No, they wouldn't. That's why you have more than one so they can switch off." He shrugged again, petting Lucky. "We'll talk about it with Phil when he gets back from Santa Barbara." He nodded at that, not looking at her. "How is the new book going?"
"Poorly. I haven't had the time to write between all these problems." He looked at her. "I never seem to be home. The last time at least an ex showed up to help and tried to deny his HYDRA people."
"I heard that. We'll try to arrest him for being HYDRA instead of taking him out." Xander grinned at that. "We'll figure out a way to help you that will work with you being able to date. You really do need someone good to date." He nodded he agreed. "So we'll see. You should try to write or something. No one's getting in here today."
"Yes, ma'am." He went to email his agent, who thought he had retired apparently. Xander said no he hadn't, he had been taken to Europe so many times he could set a book in a few cities there. "I apparently need a new agent because mine thought I retired." He sighed. "I'll have to figure out a career now too. Great," he muttered at the end, going back to his other email. Most were spam but a few were from people he knew. And one from the coven. "Oh, fuck them." Hill looked over. "The Coven."
"Your mother's coven?"
"Yes!" He read it. "They're complaining I'm not protecting them like they intended me to."
She came over to read it then answered for him with her own name and email address for them to contact Xander through in the future. She patted him on the head, going to get more coffee. Xander grinned at that catty response.
***
Coulson read his email from Hill when he got up, wincing at it. "That's not good." He answered and thought about it. Could Xander handle a real house that was protective? Could Xander enjoy having someone tough enough to protect him there all the time? He put up with Clint and Phil. But who would he ask to do that?
It'd take a lot of dealing with weird things. He had a thought about one group and sighed. That may be expensive. He'd have to talk to Xander. Even though he wasn't sure the owner was a good person, the company itself was good enough.
Russo would have to be kept away from the kid though.
He sent an email to Clint, Bobbi, and Natasha about all that Hill had shared. They had apparently missed things if Zemo's people had found things they hadn't.
***
Hill agreed with that idea. She decided to meet with the head in charge. "Mr. Russo," she said, shaking his hand. He thankfully had a meeting spot open the next day.
"What does SHIELD need with ANVIL?" he asked casually, smiling at her.
"Not SHIELD but someone we protect and guard."
"So he's got threats? A former agent or family of one?"
"Threats, yes. Agent, no." She slid over a copy of the GHS handbook. "This is in complete confidence. Because it will get him taken and others who may be suffering like he does."
He read it, looking amused. "I knew someone like this once."
"Was his name Chuck and he was Special Forces? A few soldiers who know this person knew about him."
"Actually yes." He put it down. "All right, so this one is having problems. We really don't rent our people that way." She handed over the file from Zemo's people. He read it and winced then blinked at a few other things. "Oh, dear." He looked up at her. "Is SHIELD guarding him?"
"We're looking over his shoulder. He's got a few agents who are staying at his house and helping him. Barton, Hawkeye, stays with him and does a lot of rescuing. Senior Agent Coulson is also with him because he had healed there and Xander seems to really like their company. He is a social person. He needs people around."
"I know others like that," he said with a nod. "Can he hide how much he's bothered by things?"
"Yes. I didn't even realize he was upset when he was brought home last night. Until he mentioned he'd like to go to a different form of hell."
"That's not a bad idea that everyone has," he said. "So he needs a bodyguard."
"Really, he needs a full time assistant and minion. We've met others like him who have minions who handle things like threats for him. Presents. Threats. Weapons inventory." He grinned at that. "If he looks tougher, they're less likely to steal him. Unfortunately he's gotten some attention from some arms dealers. And HYDRA."
"That's a bad problem."
"His ex was HYDRA and rescued him, ignored their orders to bring Xander to them, and will still protect Xander because Xander put explosive cockrings on a team he had to take out and they had to save him from someone else. He's had to come back from Europe twelve times in the last year. He's exhausted of all this. And if whoever can set him up with a boyfriend, that would be excellent."
"Is SHIELD going to keep looking over his shoulder?"
"Yes. He has an agent that he reports to about things so we can keep track of people. He's the one that takes the threats the boy gets. Including some biological weapons that got sent to him by a warlord wannabe. Who got taken out by another one. That second one nicely sent the unsent letters with blood stains telling him not to worry."
"I've heard rumors about that story." He considered it. "So it is guarding him."
"It would be. Up to the point of them living in his house and helping when people break in. I did three times night before last. Two arms dealers and a bioterrorism person."
He winced. "So he really could use the guarding."
"He could really use a castle in the middle of nowhere with a full guard team who might sub in sometimes to help him relieve his hormone problem. It would ruin him to be that far away from people. I will warn you things can be weird around Xander. He does have magic."
"Like that sorcerer guy?" he demanded, sitting up straighter, staring at her.
"Yes. He has a garden attached to his house. It's about ten acres of planted land and he has robotic nymphs he's built to harvest for him."
He blinked a few times. "That's...very weird."
She nodded. "It is. Also, he does do some training with Romanoff. Including in a dance style that leads to sword work but is so sexual it made everyone watching it go find an ice bucket. Our medical team treated three cases of hypothermia the night he showed off what he could do."
He nodded at that. "He sounds very interesting. We can probably help him though we are not cheap."
"I know and so does he. He's given himself a budget of about two hundred thousand a year, though he's went over that with travel expenses so far this year. He has a trust fund to set himself up."
"I'm not sure some of my people wouldn't take him in hand."
"As long as it's by their own free will and they're good to the boy, no one would care. We've all been trying to set Xander up with a new boyfriend. Or two. Or three maybe." He grinned. "Xander's a nice young man. He's very sweet. He cooks fairly well. He spoils everyone with cookies." She smiled.
"He's even made Nick Fury calm down a few times. Last time by handing over a few tacky presents that were so bad people had to stop and stare. Taxidermy animals with jewels sewn on and in the eyes and instead of teeth come to mind. Also, sparkly artillery that's been gemmed and designed."
He blinked a few times. "What?" She showed him a picture. "That is disturbing." He handed the tablet back. "So this young man... who is how old?"
"Twenty-two in six days."
"Twenty-two. Oh, dear."
"He's not flighty. He's not demanding. He's not a diva unless you upset him and then he'll go into high diva mode. He's very tired of all this though. He's gotten to the point of almost hating people. He built himself two robotic dogs to help protect himself. They're good. They have ball cannons that have given SHIELD agents concussions." He grinned and nodded.
"He's got a real dog. Barton adopted a goldie. He's fussy and wants to fuss at things. The more he gets to fuss, the more he can wear out a tiny bit of his hormones. But he really does need ways to wear out the hormones. Completely. But that would take boyfriends. Which really would mean a background check with who's drawn to him."
He nodded as he thought. "We could easily do a bodyguard. Has he worked with one before?"
"One from Pierson's group. That one was so affected after one day he had to move to the west coast so he wouldn't kidnap Xander."
"I heard that story as well." He looked amused. "I would be more than willing to meet with him, go over our services, see where we could help. And if some of my people wanted to date him I'd never stop them." Her phone beeped so she looked and swore. "Big problem? Another attack?"
"They just stopped him at the airport with someone who kidnaped him at gunpoint from Dunkin." He winced but nodded. "He's slightly sedated. That was SHIELD medical about them having him under observation." She looked at him. "There was a joking comment about getting others to stay at his house with him for his protection. Barton's back on missions and so is Coulson so they're not there all the time at the moment.
"He and Barton do get along very well and the actual dog is actually Barton's dog. Xander will pout him into keeping Lucky if Barton tries to move." The phone beeped again. "Oh, we got raided by AIM, who want to know about...what? Oh, that must be the belt thing they talked about." She looked at him. "He has a completely hidden belt with things to help him rescue himself. Including explosives."
"I would really like to meet him," he said with a smile. "Not even for the business but personally. He sounds interesting. For guarding duties, yes we can probably handle that. We can keep him from being taken too. I'm sure you've implanted a tracker?"
"His body rejected it. Something that took him gave him a healing gift."
"That's interesting."
"To other governments too thanks to Spain leaking that."
"Charming. Yes, I'd love to meet him, see if he can handle a real bodyguard and what we can do about his security. He needs it more than some trashy politician or some party girl actress definitely."
"If he gave in they'd probably hate him," she admitted.
"Probably," he agreed. "When can I meet him?"
"Tonight?"
"I'm open until nine, then I have a planned dinner with another client uptown somewhere fancy."
"Xander doesn't really do fancy. He's trying to learn how to cook that as well but he's very much a plain, lower class guy for the most part."
"That's refreshing for many of our clients." He smiled. "Tonight about five, six?"
"Please come to SHIELD. I'll have you escorted up." She shook his hand. "Do not let that hormone information out please. We know there's others who have it and their safety could also be impacted by people wanting them too."
"Gladly. That sounds like something we could easily help."
She nodded and left, going to talk to Xander about that. It'd help when he was home alone or having to go out to do things. Like grocery shop.
Billy Russo considered it, looking smug. He knew more than one with that sort of problem and drawing ability. He'd have to figure out how to use that test that was mentioned to see how bad they were. And maybe the boy would like to meet others. Some sort of support group.
***
Xander woke up to someone sitting beside the medical bed. "Hi," he said quietly.
"I'm Billy Russo, Mr. Harris. I head ANVIL, which is a security company. Agent Hill came to see me earlier about upping your security for when the agents who live with you are out on assignment. So things like earlier don't happen again."
"Is Lucky okay?"
Billy looked at the nurse.
"The mooch is in the labs sucking up petting," the nurse said, looking at him. "I'll have him sent up so you can cuddle." She looked at Russo then at Xander. "His people guard politicians and others, Harris." She went back to her paperwork.
"Like my security system?"
"It's probably adequate but can be a bit more touchy. Better monitored. A guard with you that goes with you when you go grocery shopping or out for coffee."
"I tend to just get the urge to go out."
"I can have one with you most of the time. They can work with the agents that stay with you as well. That way you're not threatened by their jobs coming after them."
"I think that's happened once but how do you tell when you're kidnaped so often." He frowned. "I really am starting to hate people."
Billy nodded. "I perfectly understand that. I'd be hiding in a building somewhere no one would ever be able to get close enough to see me in person, much less touch me." He stared at him. "We're all former military people. We're not squeamish if protecting you means shooting someone." Xander relaxed and nodded at that. "And if one of them wanted to date you, that's between you two. I won't ask them to but if they flirt, that's on them and if you take them up, go for it. If they're a problem, you'll let us know."
Xander stared at him. "That might be okay. How expensive are you?"
"Fairly so but it's worth it." He smiled. "It would definitely cut down on your traveling home costs."
"That would be nice. It costs me so damn much and I know flying commercial is dangerous for me."
He nodded. "It probably can be. We can work on that. Do you have a plane?"
"Now and then I rent a flight if I have to go somewhere. Or home if I need to and I can afford it. I really have to go over my finances again." He rubbed his forehead. "Natasha's here. I can sense her glaring at someone." He looked around then waved her inside. "Who was the not-you?"
"We'll talk on that later." She looked at him. "Are you well?"
"Tired. I got drugged again." She nodded, testing his forehead with her wrist. "This is Billy Russo."
"Over ANVIL. We've met." She nodded at him. "Did someone inform you of him?"
"Agent Hill was very worried about him when you and others aren't with him."
She nodded. "So am I. I've almost injured Barton so he had to be around for months on end but that would limit his ability to eat pizza and he'll pout." She looked at Xander. "He could fix the gaps you have."
"He was talking about a bodyguard."
"Which would fix a gap you have," she said with a smile. "Plus give you someone to talk to when you're out and about. Like the other one's minions."
"I wouldn't mind but I'm not sure how that would work and if I can afford it, Natasha."
"We can talk to your banking people about your trust. Though there seems to be a difference?"
"I never get to loot when I'm taken, no one puts me in the pretty jewelry the way they do him, and I don't have those other types of suitors he does."
"Point." She nodded. "We can figure that out with you to make sure you can afford a good guard or two. That way they switch out as needed."
"We could also probably up his security system on the house," he said.
"That could also help. It's good but not special or excellent. They're very touchy but they're basically a hyped up version of ADT."
He nodded. "There's good systems. The baseline we recommend is Hodgins."
"He has one from Sunkists."
"They're not bad but again, not top of the line. Nothing over the top, nothing paranoid or up to paranoid people standards. No daily checks of people living there. Not enough fire monitoring." He shifted to cross his feet.
"I have a forge in the basement," Xander admitted. "I'm slowly making my own sword and dagger display. It's really pretty," he said with a grin.
"That's an exciting hobby that can lead to a lot of helpful things." He smiled at him. "I'm aware of the hormone problem. I knew one in the military, Xander. And I know one who probably has it in regular civilian life but he's got a wife."
"I'm pretty sure I'm mostly gay. I've only had boyfriends and girls are nice but I don't have a clue about them. Or what to do with them." He looked at Natasha.
"You're very gay, Xander." She petted through his hair, making him wince. "Pain?"
"Sensitive."
She nodded. "That can happen. Who was this one?"
"Reginald again."
"I need to end him since Clint didn't." She looked at Russo. "He also has a European prince who is enamored. Barton ended up blowing up his palace the last time to make him stop it. After six kidnapings and rescues."
"It should've happened on the second." He looked at Xander. "Do you have any other hobbies?"
"I've got one published book but my agent thinks I quit writing because of all the times I got kidnaped."
"He wasn't very supportive of you anyway, Xander," Natasha said quietly. "He just thought you were happy and bouncy." She smiled. "We know better."
"I need more robots."
"You may," she agreed. "If you go with him, would you have a room for the bodyguard to inhabit?"
"Yeah, I have three spare rooms or I could put on another level."
She nodded. "You did great with the garden areas and your library." She went back to petting him gently, staring at Russo. "Your people will be amused very often. We are. Xander is a very fun, good person to know. We enjoy working with him and helping him. I enjoy sitting and talking with him. Clint and he enjoy hanging out. Xander put in a pool to hang out in for him and Clint." Xander nodded at that. "Coulson considers him nice, decent, and funny to talk to. They can hang out to watch tv and talk about many things. I will be very disappointed if he's harmed."
Russo smiled. "I understand completely, Agent Romanoff. We'd treat him like family." She tipped her head, smiling at him. Xander was drifting off again. Billy stood up. "I can bring back a proposal and cost sheet about the various services tomorrow?"
"He'll be home tomorrow I hope." She looked at the nurse.
"We're just waiting on someone who stays with him, Romanoff. The mooch of a dog and his two robotic dogs aren't enough. We want him with someone he can talk to if he has effects beyond the skin sensitivity." She stared at her. "Are you back?"
"I am and I can stay with him tonight."
"Good." She smiled at Russo. "I've heard your people are excellent at their jobs. He needs it." Billy smiled and nodded. He shook Natasha's hand and left since the boy was asleep. She came over once he was gone. "We found two spots that showed up on scans that we cannot touch. One looks a lot like a comic book character's belt of many bags and gadgets. The other looks like a plate. Would you know what they are?"
"I've heard rumors of a GHS belt with things to protect him."
"That makes sense. The other?"
"No idea yet. I'll ask him later." The nurse nodded, going to make notes and let her take him home. She wouldn't ask unless it became pertinent to his survival or hers. He needed hidden things to protect himself.
***
Natasha looked at Xander while they worked out. "The x-rays caught your GHS belt and something else on your chest?"
"It's like the GHS belt but it's got a lot more stuff in it. It's like the bottomless bags." He grinned. "You can't find it if you're not me though."
"What if you're unconscious?"
"I don't know how to change it so you and Clint could get into it."
"That's reasonable." She moved closer, feeling around for the belt. "I can feel something but it's not very solid." He nodded, opening it for her. She felt again. "Even now it's not very solid."
"I did that so it can't be taken from me."
"Which is a good idea, even from us." She moved back. "The other?" He opened it to show her inside it. "Oh, my," she said, blinking at it. "Well." She looked at him. "That's..."
"Came in handy recently."
"True. You waited there?"
"I couldn't get out on my own so I stayed until someone could come help me get out. Then they got Zemo and he helped me get out. And the not you had knocked a bunch of people out."
"She was another Red Room survivor," she said quietly. "I've asked and they're seeing what sort of mission she was on." He nodded at that. "You were pleasant."
"I just stunned her magically."
"Which is good if she can't fight it off."
"Then I probably would've really hurt her."
"Good. That's what I'd expect you to do, up to killing her if you must. May I tell them about you? That way they could rescue you if they run into you?"
"I guess. As long as they're not going to start kidnaping me too?"
"I'd hope not." She smiled. "You wouldn't know what to do with a woman." He rolled his eyes but nodded. She patted him on the cheek with a smile. "You're like a little brother, Xander. Let's get back to work. I want to show off for the others." He showed her the next dance and she did it beside him, nodding at the moves she was used to and a few new unfamiliar ones.
***
Natasha met up with one of the Red Room people that night, smiling at her. "That one he had to stun, are they well?"
"Mostly. Worried what sort of weapon that was."
"Magic." She got them nachos and they went to eat in the park. "The two problems she ran into are not in common but they do have a linking person in Xander."
"That's his name. We've seen you with him before."
"He is very much like a little brother," Natasha agreed, smiling at her. "He is very interesting and has a lot of problems with people I'd like to shoot in the face." They settled on a bench. "What did she learn of him? I ask because it's important to his safety."
"Nothing. They didn't have anything in their files on him."
"Hmm. So they wanted him for his hormones."
"Hormones?"
"He has a very high hormone and pheromone output." She handed over something from her pocket. "That's his." She sniffed and moaned, going limp and nodding. "It has become a chronic problem as he's single. He has no way to wear them out so they backed up. It makes them think of him like a concubine."
"That figures. Any medicines?"
"Very rarely some herbs will help. But it can kill him if taken more than every few months."
"That's bad." She ate a nacho, sniffing the scarf again. "How old is he?"
"Twenty-two. Though there is a longer story there." She smiled. "I'm working on his self defense skills. He had a few uncles who trained him but he's about halfway to our level."
"That's safer for him."
"I'm also learning a special sword dance that he's learned that brings up self defense work." She showed her the current one she was learning. Her 'sister' blinked a few times. "It's sensual but that leads to sword work and dagger work too." She smiled, putting her phone back. "Xander is very interesting. I enjoy staying at his house when I can. He also cooks fairly well. I taught him to make babka."
"Well." She stared at her. "Is he settling down?"
"He may want to. He definitely needs at least one boyfriend. He has no experience with women. He's very gay. He may be able to pass over to women now and then but the hormones require him being on the bottom." Her 'sister' stared at her. She grinned. "He's a sweet young man. He made himself robotic dogs." She showed her film of them playing fetch and the dogs taking down agents. "The smaller is Samwise and the bigger Frodo. They both have security settings as well."
"That is very weird."
"It is," she said with a smile and a nod. "But he's a good boy. Most of the time. He's bored today and nearly got taken by going to plant flowers outside." She ate a few nachos while her sister shook her head quickly and stuffed her mouth. "I would prefer if any of us ran into him, we helped him get free?"
"If we can. I think that's reasonable. We wouldn't want anyone to stay a hostage or get harmed for being a hostage."
Natasha laid a hand on her arm with a smile, making her stiffen. "He got free of a HYDRA unit, put explosive cock rings on the survivors to make them take him home, and when he got kidnaped from that trek home, they had to rescue him because if they got too far from the switch they'd explode. Just them so they couldn't suicide bomb somewhere." She smiled. Her 'sister' moaned, staring at her. "Yes. He's most interesting. I do adore Xander as a little brother."
"I look forward to meeting him someday." She stuffed her mouth again, shaking it quickly as she chewed. "If we find him, we will gently remove him or help him get out of there so he can run home."
"Thank you." She ate another chip and stared around them then at her. "You and Xander would probably get along very well. He's very unused to women. The uncles who raised him were all gay and he didn't meet a single woman until he moved to the city."
"Oh, dear. Is he one of those men? The ones in the club?"
"No. He's very delicate about women's things. He may be insensitive if he does not realize but he's not one of those guys in the bar."
"That's even better. I look forward to meeting him. Hopefully not during an attack."
"He can handle some of that. He helped during the invasion."
Her 'sister' stared. "That guy with the robots flying around?"
"Those are his garden nymphs. They brought reloads and his dogs helped protect some safety shelters."
"That is very interesting. He has a garden?"
"Yes. He donates most of the proceeds. We all get much fruit from him. Everyone he knows and then more goes to the shelters."
"I want to feel like you're telling me a joke," she said.
Natasha showed her pictures with a smile. Including of the two Xanders and her. "He had one visiting from another realm."
"You're shitting me," Yelena said.
"No, that one's a cursebreaker. Yes, like in those books." Yelena shuddered and shook her head quickly, eating her nachos. "He's a good boy but now and then it is rather confusing. Last time he said he couldn't get out of the building by himself so he annoyed them until someone who could get him out showed up."
"I'll brief the others. That way they send him off." They saw someone jogging and looked then watched who was chasing him. Clint was chasing Xander? "Is that normal?"
"No." She stared. Clint pounced Xander, making him laugh by tickling him until he gave up and handed over a phone. Clint strolled back with Xander held in one hand. "Problems?" she asked dryly.
He paused them to grin. "That prince called and left a huge voicemail and then a text message begging him to come back." He grinned. "I need to have another talk with that guy. Xander wanted to do it himself." He grinned at the other woman. "Hey. Clint Barton."
"Yelena Belova," she said, holding out a hand.
Clint shook it, Xander kissed the back of it. "Natasha said you were quite a woman." He grinned and walked off with Clint. "You didn't even complain about the Count Hill had to shoot."
"Hill won't save me any, Xander. What Count?"
"He was into biogerms she said."
Clint nodded, texting Hill from his own phone. He got back a report. "Yeah, I can handle him at the same time. They're together! It'll be a fun party!" He grinned at Xander, who was rolling his eyes but smiling. "You let me talk to 'em, Xander. You don't need to go to Europe anytime soon." He patted him on the arm. "Let's get food?"
"Not hotdogs? I can't stand hotdogs."
"That's fine. They have other stuff. Natasha had nachos." Xander got some of those and Clint got a hotdog, walking off together again. "Anything else happen?"
"I met with a guy named Billy Russo when I was in medical. He was supposed to show up to talk to me about getting a bodyguard."
"His people had to handle a sudden problem with a general they guard," he said. "I can talk to him tomorrow for you." He considered it. "It's not a bad idea to have someone when we're not there." He put an arm around Xander's shoulder, pulling him away from the traffic area. "Let's not in case we get another idiot from the mob. I have no idea what they wanted." Xander nodded, going with him.
Natasha looked at Yelena, who was looking amused. "Those two play a lot. It's fun to watch." She smiled. "He spoils Clint and his dog Lucky."
Yelena just nodded at that. "Some men do well with dogs."
"They do. Xander needs more fun in his life."
Yelena nodded. "If I knew someone fun I'd introduce them but I don't know anyone fun."
"I don't know enough fun people either." They shook their heads together and went back to walking and talking about information that the surviving Widows would need.
***
The baron showed back up a few weeks later, staring at Xander as Frodo let him in. "Thank you, Frodo." The robotic dog barked. "Is your human here?" Frodo led him to the gazebo area and to the pool near it. He blinked, looking around. "This is very pleasant and not too overdone like so many estate gardens." Xander grinned at him from reading beside the pool to get some sun. "I have punched three people in the last week who have decided I should bring you into my home as a spare wife. Two unwisely said that in front of my wife so I had to help her go for a new manicure."
Xander sat up with a sigh. "I'm sorry. I turn all those sort down as soon as I hear."
The baron nodded. "I can understand that. Have they tried for you?"
"Clint won't tell me who the guy last night was. That prince called a long, sobbing voicemail to get me to come back to him and his lover." He shrugged. "No clue. CLINT!" He leaned in a minute later. "Who was the guy last night? Was it one of the ones that told the Baron he should become my owner?"
Clint looked at him, nodding a bit. "Horace."
"Duke of Brutchfield?"
"Yup."
"Yes, he was one my wife ruined her manicure on. How did you meet him?"
"Probably that prince," Xander muttered.
"He's into cyber terrorism and arms dealing," Clint said dryly. The baron smiled at that. "Xander does tend to draw arms dealers especially." He came in. "Who else did you get?" The Baron gave him a list and Clint winced. "Fuck, the Noble Council of Evil?"
Zemo laughed. "They don't call themselves that but all but two female members."
"At least they know I'm probably fully gay," Xander quipped. Zemo stared at him. "Never tried women." He shrugged. "Wouldn't know." He looked at Clint then at the Baron. "Can I stop these ones easily outside of blowing up their meeting?"
Zemo considered it. "That might not work."
"Bullshit. I can blow up a manor house."
Clint and Zemo shared a look. "Let us brainstorm," Clint said, taking Zemo to the kitchen then to the garden area.
Zemo looked around and sighed. "Oh. This is charming as well." He smiled, looking around. "My wife would adore this in her closet as long as nothing got onto her clothes."
"There's birds, butterflies, and alien flying things in here beyond the garden nymphs." One flew over to land on his shoulder. "Just talking, Nifa." She nodded, flying off again. "That's Nifa. I spent time with her when we were merged. She's very helpful."
The baron sipped his coffee, nodding at that. "I'm sure they are for him." They walked off talking about the various threats they had run into who wanted a Xander of their own. Clint's suggestion he could introduce them to the ones who created the robotic version of Xander. Zemo looked at him oddly so he pulled up that file for him. Zemo gulped the coffee. "Are they dickteasing that one?"
"No, in a minute they'll poison him. It made the people above SHIELD think about turning Xander into Natasha. Hill blew up one of them for that. More recently some have wanted him to take over SHIELD from Fury and she laughed so much she only sent agents to deal with them."
"I cannot see him heading SHIELD." He shook his head quickly. "Why would they want that?"
"The agents wouldn't listen to him but they'd become his private security detail."
"Would there be enough agents for that?"
Clint grinned at him. "Probably not but some may become boyfriends. Which would help a lot."
"Remake the CIA, it's worthless and a problem anyway."
"Don't tempt me to suggest that." He grinned. "Hill would be happy since they annoy us so much." He sipped his coffee. Lucky came trotting in so he went to see who was at the door that Frodo was growling at. He stared. "Yes?" he asked the woman.
"Natasha has been injured. We came to inform you she's fine but is annoyingly denying she is injured."
Xander came out pulling on a t-shirt over his board shorts. Then he stepped into his sneakers and grabbed his keys and wallet. "Bring me to her. I can fuss over her and make her stop that." She blinked at him. He grinned at her. "I'm really good at fussing and I can handle most injuries. I can get her back here so you're not having to pout at her."
The woman smiled. "You must be Xander. She told Yelena about you."
He grinned and nodded. "I am. This is Clint and that's Baron Zemo." He grinned at her. "I can come help."
"We're having a probable raid later."
He got two guns and came back once they were loaded and the armory was closed. "Okay. I can be her knight today." She blinked a few times but someone told her it was fine so she brought him back. He nodded as he walked past Yelena. "I'm her fussing Knight."
"You can get her back to your place?" she asked. "She's more stubborn than that usually."
Xander grinned. "I'm a champion fusser and if she doesn't let me I'll pout." She snickered but he did pout at Natasha's scowl. She gave in within minutes, making the surviving Widows laugh quietly about him fussing at her. He did fuss, and get her bandaged, and got her drinking some broth he summoned from home and had warmed up for her.
When someone tried to break in, Xander stepped out and blew a hole into their leg. "Yeah, not today. I'm not that bitch today." The man stared and whined so he smirked. "You kidnaped me last month. Leave the ladies alone! Or else next time you kidnap me I'm blowing up your house! With you in it!" The man pouted but the ladies captured him and his team. He went back to helping Natasha feel better until it was safe to move her.
"Xander," Natasha ordered. "I'm fine."
He shrugged but grinned. "It's me or Clint, dear."
She blinked a few times. "I would prefer to just rest quietly."
He nodded. "I know. Which means we gotta get you somewhere more quiet and safe." He grinned. "I can drive us."
"Like hell. I've seen your driving."
"I can call Clint."
"I've been horrified by his driving as well." She huffed and tried to move but had to have help. "I'm fine."
"Uh-huh. I said that and you nagged and I heal a lot faster than you do."
"Point. This is adequate payback for my own fussing."
He hugged her gently around the shoulders. "I'd fuss just because I like you like family." He pulled back. "Want more soup?"
"Please."
He went to warm up more. He summoned stuff from the freezer and handed it to the watching young women. "You need to eat too. You have to fuel your bodies before you pass out like some damsel. So warm that up and eat!" She looked at the food, then back at him. He put it into the oven with her help, showing her how to do that. "This is what you do with casseroles," he said gently.
"It cooks at about this temperature. Casseroles are throwing stuff and sometimes leftovers into a pan with some noodles or rice and some sauce or soup on top to bind it together. Sometimes with crunchy bread stuff. Natasha taught me that one." He smiled at her. "You make sure you eat. You're skinny! How are you going to avoid the guys who want to kidnap me when you're that skinny?" He took the soup back to let Natasha sip.
Natasha was amused at that talk. "They have to get used to normal life things," she reminded him.
"So did I." He grinned. "It'll be fine. I can summon more veggie things later if they want."
Yelena leaned in, grinning at them. "Thank you for dinner, Xander."
"You're welcome. A lot of the girls are too skinny. They need to eat before the guys who want to kidnap me get them instead."
She smirked. "Probably true." She went to talk to the confused young women. Natasha limped out with Xander hovering and she showed them how to cook a few things to add to dinner. Xander helped her prepare things. He pulled over a few of the girls to let them do the chopping duties. They were good with knives. They needed to know how to do vegetables.
Natasha gently instructed and the girls nodded. It helped. When the casseroles came out they dug in and the girls were happily eating things they had helped make. It was a good first step. Xander invited them over to pick their own vegetables if they wanted. It was safe enough in the garden area even if the idiots showed up again.
Xander looked at one girl, tipping her face up since she was staring at the floor. "I do yoga daily if you want to work out with someone so you have some meditative time," he offered gently with a grin. "It really helps when I'm upset about all the people who want my butt."
She blinked. "Why would they want you that way?"
"My hormones are really high and they think I'm a lap purr kitty they want to castrate and own." He shrugged. "They need to start ignoring me but I can't make them. So I get to get the anger at them out in yoga class. I can't teach but I'm willing to work out with you."
She shook her head. "I can't do yoga. Thank you though."
"Okay. Ask if you want to." He grinned. "I'm real helpful. Most of the time. Sometimes Natasha tells me I'm a bitch." Natasha nodded at that while sipping tea. The girl giggled, going to tell the others. He looked at her. "If you're that sore we can't do the sword training."
"Good point. I should be fine in a few days."
"Okay. I'm feeling the very naughty urge to go do those dances in the park tonight."
"Please do not," she begged. "We do not need to handle that emergency, Xander. The ones who would snatch you would not be good people and we're all tired."
He hugged her gently. "I can do some of it."
"You cannot hope to fight them off while you're in the dance. You get lost in it. Perhaps some of the trainees could use the training. Maybe at SHIELD's office park? Hill will groan but the junior agents all need exposed to it so they're more immune and we find out if any of them are going to be evil enough to want you." She texted Hill, who groaned and said NO in all caps. "Hill does not like it. Oh well." She texted Clint, who came to get him with Zemo. She smiled at Clint. "Make sure the junior agents and the girls here can watch?"
"Sure. The kiddy agents could use it." He smirked evilly, strolling off after Xander. "Come raid his freezer if you need more food, ladies. He'll stuff Natasha if she lets him. He even fed her cookies." He closed the door.
"You eat cookies?" Yelena asked happily.
"He makes *excellent* cookies. Not fancy cookies but absolutely wonderful butterscotch chip cookies. He spoiled my diet for a few days with them for my birthday." She sipped her tea. "Hack into SHIELD's cameras."
***
Zemo stared as Xander started off, shifting on his bench in the corner of the courtyard. Xander kept going and he blinked. He could see the appeal. Then Xander moved into a more energetic dance. Now he wanted his wife there, though she'd never let him do anything in public. Which was now a need he had. He had a mighty need to have his wife in public at the moment. Though he'd prefer to not be in public, he didn't want to move from this spot.
He sipped the coffee Clint had gotten him, sucking in a deep breath. He had self control and self will. He would not pounce the boy. Even if he did want to pounce the boy and cure all those hormones for him. The junior agents watching were trying not to touch each other, making Zemo grin at their distress. He was a bit mean that way, he enjoyed their suffering. The younger agents broke and most of them started to grope someone, a few themselves. One female slapped at a few hands on her but the rest were happy to help out.
One of the older agents came out to try to capture Xander and make him stop so Xander spun around him and into a better dance with a sword this time, one he pulled off his back. The agent growled but Xander avoided many of his lunges and kicked his ass grandly while still dancing.
Xander leapt into another dance and moved back into his former space and went back to a happier dance, then one where the subject was clearly captured. Yes, it made them all want to chain him up and probably lick his sweat off. Though Zemo wanted to tie him down and make him scream before getting him less sweaty.
"Mother fucker, stop that shit!" Nick Fury yelled from the doorway. "The junior agents need to have brains for a test tomorrow!"
Xander grinned and waved but moved into one of the hostage time dances when he was taken as a concubine. One of the junior agents tried to pounce but Xander leapt over him and finished with that one. He panted, grinning at the agents. "Now, what do you do to defend yourself against me when I'm using that unique style with a sword?" He smirked.
"Have a sniper sedative dart you," one complained, looking at Clint, who just smirked. "Pounce as a group so you can't stop all of us?" He got up and strolled over, trying to grab him but Xander got free and put him on his knees, making him moan. "Oh, fuck," he moaned in pleasure.
"That dance will wear out the hormones," Clint told them. "But it's also to train sword and dagger work. They were developed to teach teenage boys how to fight." He smirked at them. "He's one of the few who can but he's willing to teach at times." He looked around. "How do you defend against that?"
"A strong will and a cockring," one of the agents complained. "I need to find a comfortable one."
Clint smirked and shook his head. "They're not comfortable to live in or sneak around in. Can't happen. Sorry!" He smirked. "How do you defend against a diversion, boys and girls?" They looked around, spotting Zemo. "Yes, we have a guest from EKO Scorpion in to work with Coulson on something. You didn't even notice he was here. And you want to be agents?"
They groaned. "Be better, people. Live up to our skills." He grinned at the guy on his knees. "You'll do better next time." He patted him on the head. "We'll make sure of it." Hill stomped out. "Hey, Hill." He grinned.
She sighed. "Barton, thank you for the training exercise from Romanoff. I'm sure she was watching and amused." She looked at Xander. "You need more stamina?"
"Yeah. I made my ankle ache jumping over that one guy." He shrugged. "It happens. I'll be fine tomorrow."
"Good. Go home. Take both guards with you please." He nodded, grabbing his towel to wipe off. She took it from him and let him head back with Zemo and Barton. She threw the towel at the trainees. "This is the only time you're allowed to expose yourself to grow an immunity. The next time I'll expect you all to pass by not grabbing at each other's cocks or breasts. I'll expect you to be able to not grab your own cock.
"I'll expect you to be able to just stare in awe, and not get lost in the mental fantasies you're all creating. Also, he's gay. His hormones will be back up at a high state tomorrow if someone doesn't date that boy soon. Go back inside, get yourself mentally immune." They took the towel inside to cut up so they each had a piece. The one who was on his knees she took to an agent she knew was a dominant to give him over. "Harris."
"I saw, Hill. I'd love to tie that boy down and help him handle himself."
"GHS can't do doms." She smirked. "They break, they don't bend." He moaned but nodded. "Soft doms maybe but nothing as hard as you." She walked off.
"Boy, let's go work out that urge," he said smugly, taking him to go play.
Hill checked on Fury but he was hiding in his on-base apartment. The other two GHS they had on base were hiding. She had the computer people end the hacking from Romanoff. Then she went to swear at the boy for showing off for Zemo of all people.
***
Natasha looked at the watching young women. "He's right. How do you defend against that or the diversion he created?"
Yelena looked at her. "You're learning that?"
"Yes. I'm good at much of it but not as much as him. The hormones really do make a difference." She smirked. "You should see him in his harem-style dance pants." Yelena moaned, shaking her head quickly. "So, girls? How do you defend against that?"
"He tends to duck and weave," one said, raising her hand. "So you can get under his guard but not in a straight forward manner. From the sides would probably work best?"
Natasha smiled and nodded. "Very true. That's how I would. You can also usually find him being weak on his right side for some reason. His right hip is his weak spot." The girls nodded at that. "Other than that, how do you spar with him?"
"Longer bladed weapon," Yelena said. "He had a sword, you'd want one instead of a machete or something of that size." She considered it. "Sparring with him instead of fighting against him would be easier and without a deadly end." Natasha nodded at that. "He seems to have a weak ankle there at the end thanks to leaping over that second agent."
"Agent trainee," Natasha said. "We're being mean to them this week." She smiled. "They need it."
Yelena nodded. "Do you spar with him?"
"Of course. I'm still learning the dances but I do."
"Can we?" one of the girls asked.
"Yes. He would be happy with that. We train in his basement, down by his blacksmith's forge. He's making a sword display." A few of the girls moaned. She waved a hand. "Come on. We can spar with what I know so far." They followed to spar with her. That helped their own training and if they knew that people danced to fight, they could figure out how to defeat it.
Yelena was the last one, when Natasha was tired. "I cannot imagine you doing those dances." Natasha spun to do some of one, making her sigh. "Wow." She dove into the fight and Natasha smirked, fighting back. This was what they were trained to do.
***
Helmut got home the next day. He walked in, found his wife smiling and waiting on him, kissed her hard enough to press her into the wall. He picked her up to carry them upstairs.
"Papa?" his son called.
"Later, son. Let me greet your father," his wife called. "What got into you? Were you exposed to something?" she hissed, staring at him.
"Xander danced. It was the most erotic and electrifying movements." He kicked their bedroom door shut, threw her on the bed, and took off his jacket. "Do strip before I cut it off you, dear." She blinked so he got to have some extra fun with his wife. After dinner time, he went to spend time with the son. His wife was resting for his later desires. His son would amuse him until he was ready to go back up there and wake her up.
Now he knew why Xander was dangerous and wanted!
He would have to feel pity for the ones he was stopping from kidnaping the boy.
Though he did copy his dvd set of the dances so he could show his team so they knew how to make themselves immune. He'd show his wife tonight to see if he could make her hotter.
The End. I think.
The Chaos Goes On and On and On....