Xander walked into the setup area under the tent, nodding at the others. "Hey, guys."
One of them stared at you. "You're the one that just broke out?" Xander grinned weakly but nodded. "Why?"
"Apparently it had been hiding behind some hellmouth taint. Then Willow made me mad, again." They all snorted. He shrugged. "I've known her since my first day of school. Nothing can get to me like she can." He looked at the witch, who was cowering in a corner of the tent. "Good. Now, do we know what we did wrong?"
"I tampered," she whimpered.
"Ya think?" Xander asked. "Remember why Willow went wrong? She thought she was the Goddess." He stared at her. She swallowed but nodded and curled up more. "Center yourself. You're going to be helping us fix your screw up before there's no food growing at all."
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you." He looked at the others then sighed. "I've only seen the barest on this ritual. Can someone tell me what my part is beyond standing here and channeling?"
The senior mage laughed. "Didn't you practice before this?" Xander shook his head. "No?"
"No. I didn't. I thought I had some hellmouth taint and I trained with some shaman in Africa."
"Oh, dear," the lone female moaned.
"All the bad girls say that about me," Xander quipped with a grin. She stared at him. "Hi, Xander Harris."
"I've heard they do more than moan 'oh dear' about you," she shot back. "He doesn't practice. Rosenburg was *sure* that it was the hellmouth that made her magic go wrong around him."
"It could've been," Xander said. "I was full of hellmouth taint. That's why I got trained by the shaman I ran into in Africa. They decided I was brighter than the moon most of the time."
"You still need work on shielding," the elder mage said.
"I only broke out a week ago. Then I woke up two days ago to having one of the last resort's owners drugging me and a few friends of a friend so we'd get together." They all winced. "I don't know anything but I'm learning so I don't sneeze and blow up Cleveland."
"That's a good thing," the elder mage said. "We all had to start somewhere and at least you know you don't know much. We can work on that." The female came over to show Xander where he was to stand, how he was to channel, and what he was to think during the ritual. Xander nodded, going over it to make sure he had it while everyone else set up. Xander took his spot. The witch slid over to stand in the center of the pentagram. "Let us begin," the lead mage ordered.
***
Xander came out of the tent by himself. "They left." Clint was staring at him. "We made her take back her spell. It kinda...." He looked at his messy, disgusting shirt. "Exploded." He handed the waiting demon priest the artifact. "Thank you. It was very helpful and the spell should be fully ended."
"We feel it is mostly. Winters may be bad for a few more years," he said, bowing. Xander bowed back. "I shall go."
"Peaceful and safe travels," Xander said. The demon smiled and flew off. Xander took off his shirt and tossed it back into the tent, nodding at Giles, the senior with of the Devon Coven, and the police detective walking over. "We made her withdraw her spell's energy. We channeled it so it was ended as much as we could. The demonic priest said that it's mostly ended but we may have a few more bad winters." The detective nodded.
"The power made her explode?" the senior witch asked.
Xander nodded. "Yes. It's kinda gross."
"I can imagine. She was a sweet girl."
"Who didn't think," Xander said. "She didn't even realize why what she did was wrong, Melina. Seriously! I asked! She had no idea. I had to remind her of why Rosenburg went bad."
"The young are often cocky," she said. She patted him on the cheek. "You need shields."
"Still working on them. It's only been a week."
"I know."
"And how do I undo the ritual that the witches there did?"
She stared at him. "What ritual?"
"They decided I needed some power sinks from Clint's friends."
"Oh, dear." She grimaced, looking at Giles then at him. "Was it voluntary?"
"With how drugged we were? Nope," Clint said.
"Hm. It may be able to be handled but we would need to guard them." Xander nodded. "I'll have Syria fly down to check on them."
"They're mostly at the Council house," Clint said.
"Even better. She's there." She pulled out her phone to call that witch. She was excellent at things. "Xander, she's already working on one of them because you made them glow. She says she can loosen it but if you need a second for a ritual you could choose one of them." Xander nodded, sighing at the end. "It's the best we can do without killing the ones who did it."
"No, they're healers. They're needed," Xander said.
"We'll be easy on them and send a few to augment their coven."
"They were the last mage's spouses," Clint said.
Melina smiled. "There's no such thing as a celibate mage, Clint. They'd be overloaded by the power. He was right, any in that are power sinks."
"Can't I wear something like the hellmouth shield?" Xander asked. Giles handed it back so he put it on. "Thank you for holding it for me, Giles."
"We can help you with that but real control comes without helping means," Melina said.
"Which would be spouses," Xander said dryly.
"Mages live longer, Xander." He glared at her. "It takes specific rituals to extend the life of your favorite spouses with yours." He walked off shaking his head.
"Not like I want to be immortal," Clint said.
"We'll help him calm down and learn what he needs to learn," Melina said. "That way you can go back to work."
"I probably will sometime," he said dryly. He looked at the detective. "I was standing guard."
"Go chase the boy. Before he runs into problems." Clint jogged off. "Mr. Giles, can you warn us before the next big thing happens?"
"If I know, I always warn," he said. They heard something explode and looked. "I wonder what Xander did this time." He sighed, heading that way. "Oh, fuck," Giles said, calling the slayers in.
"I need a blade," Xander called.
"They're bringing some, Xander. Just hold on." Clint shot another explosive arrow at the demon. Two slayers on patrol ran their way. Xander disarmed one and lunged in. "Victim, Rona." He pointed. She ran over to check them while he fought with the other slayer and Clint. Others showed up in a squeal of brakes. More slayers, the other agents, some of his artillery babies. Ward had the artillery so that helped. "Center mass, Agent Ward. Blow the chest open so we can kill the little thing inside it so we can behead it." He nodded, aiming at the chest. Clint helped with another piece of artillery. They finally got the demon open so the slayers could kill the inner being of the demon. Then Clint beheaded it with a small rocket. Giles walked over, looking at the girls. "Well done, ladies, agents, and Xander and Clint."
"I am an agent," he said, smirking some.
Xander hugged him, patting him hard on the back. "Yes you are. That's why you arrest my lovers on me." He walked over the disposed artillery. "Looks like I need to play some more kitten poker." The girls laughed but the detective staring at the battle called in someone to burn the demon. By the time the fire department got there, everyone else was gone.
***
Xander, Clint, Natasha, and Coulson walked back into the resort, getting smiles from the check in girl. "Good afternoon, Xander and Clint. Welcome back Agents Coulson and Romanoff." She let them have their keys back. "Nice work, sir."
Xander stared at her. "It got caught on video?"
"Of course," she chirped.
"Then we'll handle any fallout like usual," Xander decided. "Not the first time an apocalypse battle got caught on camera." He headed up to their room. "Clint, are you heading out to the beach first or going to the office?"
"Beach. You hit the office."
"Sure." He got changed and went down to see what had happened while they were gone.
Clint got into board shorts and sandals, heading down to the beach. He ran into a familiar figure sipping a drink with an umbrella and wearing a speedo. "You don't have to live by resort rules?" the guy taunted with a slight smirk.
"Not really. Some days I wear a sarong, some days I wear shorts." He settled at the same table. "What're you doing here, Stark?"
"Vacation." He saw a figure and stared. "What. The. Hell?" he demanded quietly.
Clint looked back then at him. "SHIELD hid it from everyone but Natasha found out. We stole him from his former special response team. Steve didn't tell you?" Stark glared. "He's down here to help us set up things since we inherited the resort from some women."
"Women?" Stark asked, staring at him over his sunglasses. "Really?"
"Amazons," Natasha said as she joined them. "They took him and Xander hostage to marry them. Then committed suicide."
"You two lead an insane life," Stark decided. Coulson sat down at the table. "Coulson."
"Stark." He looked at Clint. "Xander's hiding?"
"Doing administrative stuff."
"That's fine. He's fairly decent at it." He looked at Stark. "Why are you here?"
"Big demon battle, saw my teammates." He waved his drink around. "Thought they might like to meet to talk about upcoming problems."
"Now that the eternal winter is solved," Natasha said, looking at her phone. "That only leaves a few problems. Including giving the slayers agents who have sense to help them."
"The director is trying," Coulson reminded her.
"My patience," Clint agreed. "He's been doing it very well too. Especially since that lady that tried to flirt with Xander in the airport was a junior agent in training to be Natasha."
Natasha grimaced. "She was nowhere near worthy of the title. She had no skills if Xander could blow her off that fast."
"Maybe she'll be more effective with normal people," Coulson said.
"Perhaps. Xander is very used to odd things and bad lovers," Natasha agreed. "Did we get an ID on the one that nearly blew him in the waiting area?"
Clint grimaced but nodded. "That's Chuck. Chuck met him in Africa. Chuck really wanted to do the spell so Xander could bear him babies." Stark started to laugh.
"He's not kidding, Stark," Coulson said. "There is such a spell and Rosenburg might do it."
"She tried twice so far," Clint agreed. Xander came out to sit with them. "You done?"
"Only two problems. One complaint of a room's a/c never shutting off, which got fixed that night. One that stomped off without paying. I told them where his accounts were so we sent them a bill." He looked at the new guy. "Hi, Xander Harris."
"Tony Stark." He shook his hand. "How long have you known our sniper?"
"Few years now. Since he found me after my car got blown up." He grinned at Clint. "If I never mentioned it, thank you for saving me from the OD on truth serum some of the agents used."
"Not a problem, Xander. We like you."
Natasha looked at Stark. "There's rumors that they're their own group called CHAOS."
Coulson laughed, shaking his head. "They would like that too much."
"Huh?" Xander asked her.
"One of the junior agents said that we're considered CHAOS," Clint said. "Chiron and Hawkeye, Agents of Sexy. Apparently we're a hidden unit inside SHIELD."
Xander shook his head. "I can't stand your director most of the time. Maybe if it's the fate of the world or something but no, I don't work for SHIELD." Clint grinned. "I'm still sexy though. Even with the scars and the eye thing."
"Plenty of people see past the eye and the scars," Natasha said, smiling at him. "They just seem to be of looser moral fiber."
"They usually like a lot of weapons," Clint added.
"I do like weapons cleaning as foreplay," Xander agreed, grinning at him. "You got to miss the night I went to that in the club because everyone was so unhappy."
"I heard," Clint said. Xander just grinned at him. "It's not nice to taunt guys like that. They might try to keep you and then I'd have to pull a rescue. Again." Xander hugged him. "Thanks." He gave him a gentle head shove. "No more taking guns off people and using it to give them mental images of you blowing them." Xander shrugged, sitting back up.
"I do not want to know," Coulson said.
"It was at the club and I got asked to dance," Xander said with a shrug. "It made everyone happier. My other one that night I had a sword."
Coulson shook his head. "I still don't want to know." Xander grinned.
"I'd ask but I'm supposed to be a good boy on this vacation," Stark said dryly. "What do you do besides get rescued by the archer of our nightmares?" Clint glared at him.
Xander grinned. "I'm the slayer's trainer." Stark stiffened. "Which is why I keep running into Clint and Natasha in the field."
Natasha nodded. "Many who want to date you are on our list of people we need to remove from life."
"Thankfully most of the ones here are nice enough to only want him for sex right now," Clint said, looking at Xander. "You can have fun."
"I need to get into the right meditations and stuff for the magic stuff that just opened up."
"True," Coulson said. "It doesn't mean that you can't have fun while you're practicing."
"There are stripping hexes," Xander said, grinning at the end. "Willow used one last year to totally embarrass one of the slayers."
Clint shook his head. "Don't remind me. She got all flustered and then tried to flirt with me."
"Where is the charming Miss Rosenburg?" Natasha asked.
"Hopefully in a hole in Devon," Xander said. "Otherwise no clue."
"As long as she doesn't cause any more problems, I might not go put an arrow through her a few dozen times before I sink one into her eye," Clint said. Xander stared at him. "She has caused you a lot of problems, Xander. And then the world. When you were off meeting with the mages she wasn't sure what the big deal about that spell was. Even when Coulson explained to her that it would ruin all the food crops and we'd all starve."
"The magic is clouding her again, Clint. That's why she's an addict."
"I get that, but I'm not putting up with an addict that has access to nuclear weapons either," he said. "With all the hell she's caused you?"
"She's like my sister. I don't want to make excuses for her but I can't stop from protecting her sometimes."
"I get that. My brother was an asshole. He's a dead asshole now," he said dryly. "But he was an asshole."
"You might want to reconsider that opinion because by what Barry was saying a few days ago, he's not dead," Xander said.
"Excuse me?" Clint said. Xander shrugged. Clint looked around then got up, heading to Barry's table. "My brother's alive?" he demanded coldly.
"Yeah. They barely saved him. He's in hiding but he's alive."
"Did he become a priest or something?"
"No, took his mentor's old job." He stared at him. "You didn't know?"
"No! I thought he was still justifiably dead."
"Well, you can always go fix that." He smiled. "Where's Rosenburg?" He pointed.
He looked over. "I need my bow," he sneered. "Rosenburg, don't you dare upset him," he yelled. Xander flinched and he saw the instinctive pull up of a weapon that now had magic wrapped around it. That told him all he needed to know about how Xander really felt about Willow. He walked over, patting Xander on the shoulder before sliding a hand down to take the dagger from him. "Let me, Xander."
"It's instinctual," he sighed, looking at the blade. "How did I do that?"
"I don't know. Figure it out and tell us so we can see if we can do the same. It would be very handy in the field," Natasha said.
Xander grinned at her. "Find me a lover like you please? I know you're not into me but find me someone like you so I can date someone decent?"
She smirked a tiny bit, looking a bit evil. "I've eliminated most of them but I'll gladly look through the rest to find you someone better than most of yours have been." Clint sat down and put the dagger on the table. "And?" she asked him.
"He took his mentor's spot," he sneered.
She patted him on the wrist. "We will kill him for you."
Xander nodded. "I can do that. Or maybe have him eaten?"
"That's too mean and I want to beat him to death," Clint said. "But thanks, you two." He grinned. "It gives me warm fuzzies."
"I felt the same way when you stopped the demon invasion after my almost marriage," Xander quipped.
Willow walked over. "What are you talking about?"
"The first spouse, who had me hostage," Xander said. "A few demons broke in to take him out. Clint was tied up in the attic so he came down to help."
Clint nodded. "It was good cake. We had it for dinner once we looted the house and sent the survivors off."
"It was," Xander agreed. "His housekeeper was fantastic in the kitchen."
Willow stared at him. "You're serious?" she demanded.
"Yeah. He stole me and the slayer I was working with. He made me do a few days in his stripclub to show me off, and I did because he had my slayer hostage, but then he did get around to the forced marriage." Xander looked at Coulson. "What's it like without the drugs?"
"I haven't been married but I'd guess you'd be willing and happy to do that ceremony."
Xander nodded. "I guess I'd have to be." He looked at Stark then at Willow. "How did you get here?"
"Airplane."
"That's where the wards are short," Xander decided. "There's protections against anyone but the head group here using heavy magic. It might kill the hurricane protections if it's warped." She nodded once. "It moves them away from us and the rest of the island since we're on the atlantic side of it."
"How is that even possible?"
"From what I could tell, they built it like a wedge to break up the winds and high waves," Clint said.
She stared at him. "You don't do magic."
"No but I asked the people who did it."
"Oh." She looked at Xander. "When are you coming home?"
"I think I'm going to be doing my training down here since the last mage in residence's wives are still here. They have stuff they can teach me about control." She grimaced. "I clearly need it. The mages at the rite congratulated me for not glowing in the dark. Two of them said it took them years to get real control. I'm apparently ahead on that thanks to the shaman tutoring me in Africa. As for the training duties, I'm setting up a space down here to work with any of the girls that need my help. Any of them under eighteen won't be allowed in the resort but there's a house on the edge of town where we can work with them."
"It's still a lot of naked people," she complained.
"The town's mostly clothing necessary," Clint said. "It's only inside the resort that's clothing optional or forbidden."
"It's still wrong to be naked," she said.
"That depends on where and who raised you," Coulson said.
"We're from Sunnydale."
"There were four nudist resorts within thirty miles of Sunnydale, Willow. One of those short part-time jobs I had in high school was working at one of their spas delivering things." She gaped. He nodded. "Plenty of people enjoy being naked. Besides, there's not much difference from a string bikini like Buffy and some of the slayers wear, and fully naked."
"No, there's not, and a few of them need different styles to look as hot as they think they do," Clint said. "Especially Britney."
Xander nodded. "I told her she sagged in that thing. She pouted about having to wear one with structure. Especially since she was going somewhere that most women went topless on the beach."
"They do not!" Willow screeched.
"Most of Europe goes topless," Natasha said.
"Whole tribes in Africa go topless," Xander said. "For daily life."
She glared. "They're ...."
"You say that word you're thinking and you can unsink yourself from the ocean," Xander warned. "They're more civilized in some ways. They don't base how you judge a person on what they look like." She stomped off. He waved at her back. He felt the spell starting and got up, sprinting after her to stop her. Clint followed, tackling Willow when Xander was trying to struggle with her. That knocked her out and Clint nicely borrowed some handcuffs from one of the other patrons. They walked Willow off to lock her in a closet so they could call someone to handle her. One of the native witches dropped a spell on Xander as she walked past their table. Xander looked at it. "Will that hurt her when we need her help with an apocalypse battle?" he called after her.
"It can be changed. You can will the intent to change, Xander."
"How do I do that?" He got up to follow her to learn this new thing.
"If he can't bind her, she goes soon," Clint said, looking at Natasha.
"She is giving redheads everywhere a bad name," she agreed, sipping her iced tea.
"I think other witches are fed up with her too," Coulson said. He shook his head with a sigh. "That leaves a gap in the line for apocalypse battles. Dawn can't fill in."
"She shouldn't have to," Clint said. "There's the whole Devon Coven. Can't they fill in for Willow?"
"I have no idea."
"We can ask," Natasha said, calling the number she had gotten off the head witch during the last problem. "I am Agent Romanoff. We had a question. If Xander binds Willow to never use magic again, will it cause problems for upcoming apocalypse battles?" She listened. "I believe he should. She just tried to change humanity to suit herself again. She's here at the resort. She's very upset that people enjoy the sun on their bare skin." The witch complained at the others about losing Willow. "She said she flew. Ah, a memory charm again. Charming. Yes, that was what one of the local witches suggested. I will do that. Yes, he has his phone. Thank you." She hung up. "She'll call Xander to talk to him about the spell." Xander's phone rang underneath his seat but it disappeared after the first ring. "That's handy. I need that some days."
"If you want to learn magic, I don't think the director will do more than roll his eye," Coulson said. "He'd like to have some supernatural specialists on staff."
"Especially since Xander nearly had him eaten for going near some of his slayers," Clint quipped with a grin for Natasha. She smirked back.
"Don't remind me. He had everyone on the helicarrier sequenced so he could make sure no one had demon DNA," Coulson complained. "The three that did got moved to non-critical jobs until they sued for discrimination. One of them was one of the most decorated officers on the helicarrier. I believe Mr. Harris mailed Director Fury a dead frog for that move."
"He had made a move to interview one of the slayers in college about becoming an agent," Clint said. "It was a promise to turn Fury into the frog's mate. He is *certain* the director needs to leave all the slayers alone. Maybe we should give the director Willow?"
Stark burst out laughing. "Really?"
"Really," Coulson said, smiling at him. "It'd be an interesting bit of help but I doubt SHIELD could keep Willow in check. At least until she did the first wrong thing then they may leash train her."
"Rayne did turn her into a yappy Spaniel while Xander was in England," Clint said. "She was keeping up the neighbors by screeching about how they had been attacked and the girls had went hunting the problems."
"I remember that report. He had a nice laugh about that. Thought she should probably stay that way."
"Ditto," Clint said. Xander came back scowling. "She a dog?"
"I'm not allowed to fully bind her. It'll mean we lose an apocalypse battle in a few years." He sat down, still unhappy. "Giles is on his way to gather her. She's in a locked room in the spa getting magic detoxed. They're emptying her of all magic and then detoxing her body from anything evil in it."
"That sounds nasty," Natasha said.
"Yes, it is," Xander said. "Very nasty. I'm sorry she has to go through it but with the way she was.... I'm not sure she shouldn't be in a cell."
"What about turning her back into that yappy spaniel?" Clint suggested.
Xander stared at him. "Don't tempt me. I'll give her to one of the mini slayers as a pet." Clint burst out laughing. "Anastasia might love a pet. We had to have a talk with her about her and two of her friends running a raid on an animal shelter to steal all the animals. They adopted them out but they still stole them from the shelter. Down to the few guinea pigs they had taken from some kid."
Coulson looked at him. "PETA member?"
"No," Xander said. "Just really loves animals. She even knows that you eat cows and what real cows look like. Her mother took her to a meat farm to introduce that to her when she was about four. She patted a few cows and told them they were pretty and would make great steaks some day. She got talked to about how some places eat dogs and cats. She pouted about it and suggested we ship them cows and goats. She's the kid that'll stop you in the street to ask to pet your dog. I adore Anastasia, she's a great kid, but she's a little hellion about some things. She found one of the scrungiest Forenth's ever and tried to keep him as a pet. She forced him into the tub and scrubbed him until he was clean, brushed his pelt, put a nice ribbon collar on him. He begged her father to please kill him instead."
"Some day, that one will be a bane on the world," Coulson said. "I look forward to seeing that day."
Xander nodded. "Me too. At least she won't stop in the middle of training to pet things. We made sure during her preliminary fight training."
"How old is she?" Natasha asked.
"Twelve this year. So she'll move up from self-defense and escape to pre-battle training and tactics in the next two years. There's a few critical rites that could use a slayer that's just starting puberty so we're very cautious around that age. Like we are with the babies."
She nodded. "That's a good thing."
"It is. The girls are good girls for the most part. Now and then....." He grinned. "Buffy blames those moments on me."
"I should teach the girls how to play paintball," Clint said.
Xander grinned and nodded. "We have one team already but the rest need to learn. They consider it great fun to get back at the older girls for things like stealing their favorite clothes. Even better than getting them with demon slime."
Clint laughed. "That is fun. Especially if you use the stuff that stinks."
"One accidentally used the stuff that's like napalm on a girl that smokes but she's now healed and that one apologized for using the wrong sort of slime. She had planned to use the stuff that turned you bright orange."
Stark shook his head with a moan. "You guys are so weird."
"It's the job," Xander quipped. "When you deal with demons all day long, you have to deal with weird things."
"It does warp one," Natasha said. "I've straightened Clint out a few times. I thought I was going to have to after you two went on spring break."
"We did good for almost a month," Xander defended. "Then the amazons appeared on the beach that day. Before then we partied with some cute things." He grinned. "No one tried to keep either of us. Only one thought we were escorts this time, which beat the last time when most everyone thought we were boyfriends who took escort jobs. Two thought we were strippers." He grinned. "Then that night we had the slight robbery thing that we dealt with." Clint nodded. "Suddenly there were no more stripper rumors but the rich girls really liked Clint's gun holster. I think it saw more action than he did."
"I did not hear a thing about a robbery," Coulson said, staring at his agent. Who shrugged and grinned. "Should I have a report?"
"Nope, I wasn't working for SHIELD, sir." He grinned.
"Me either," Xander said. "I think I told one huffy thing that I worked for the goddess and she was waiting on me at home naked. It meant she quit glaring about being CIA and in my way."
Coulson looked at him. "Why was she there?"
"I think she was sucking up to the rich, limp cock but I'm not real sure."
"Mr. Hubert is that," Clint agreed. "Or was that. She might've killed him by now. Especially when I had to divert his attention from trying to feel up my ass."
Coulson took Natasha's phone to look up that name. He watched as both boys got up to get new drinks. "You had better run if that was you at the raceway," he called a minute later.
Xander blew a kiss. "I was being a good boy. They're the ones that made me do something about them."
"I was trying to get away from the middle aged woman who wanted to suck my tonsils out through the side of my throat," Clint complained. "I only realized there was something going on when it exploded."
"An explosion wasn't noted," Coulson said.
"It was in the parking lot," Stark said. "I was there with the Stark racing team and didn't realize anything was going on until half the parking lot exploded thanks to something trying to drill into a gas pipeline."
Xander walked behind him. "That wasn't the same thing. It was the guy that was going to interrupt the race by firing on the lead cars and taking anyone who survived the crash hostage. Paul, what happened? You're all blotchy. C'mon, let's get you to our nurse on staff. She can look that over and fix it."
"Aren't you married?" he pouted.
"I didn't attend any ceremony," he said dryly. "I got drugged and so did they so we screwed. Until I see a ring, I'm not married. We all agreed it was a simple sex rite and not a marriage." Paul grinned and kissed him. "Such a good boy. Let's get those treated before they look gross." He led him off.
Clint waved at their backs. "If you break him, Xander, you'll have to find their agency another break-in artist."
"I won't break him. He's very flexible." He grinned.
"Yes, I am," Paul cooed.
Natasha shook her head. "He's much more normal."
"Yup, he is," Clint said, coming back to sit down with his new cup of coffee. "That's the relaxed Xander I usually see." He and Natasha tracked the few people going to interrupt Xander and Paul. Well, one ended up rescuing Paul because he was begging for mercy by then but that was normal. Xander got worn out by his friends. It meant he was a happy, bouncy boy later.
***
Stark met up with the group for dinner, shaking his head. "I see Xander's finally calmed down?"
"That was him being a happy, sated boy," Clint said, smirking at him. He sat up straight. "Captain."
"I have a first name," he said but he was smiling. He sat down. "Are you okay?"
"Why wouldn't I be okay?"
"You got kidnaped."
"It's not the first time," he said. "It's been a nicer one than usual. There's been no torture."
Steve nodded. "That's always a bonus."
"You know this is a clothing very much frowned upon place, right?" Clint asked.
"We did have nudists back in the old days, they just had higher fences," Steve said dryly. "I'm not that sort of prude, Clint."
"Sure. I'll try to keep some of the most deadly off you." He glared at one coming over. "Must you?"
"I only wanted to gush on him. He's a hero to me. That's why I joined an agency and eventually ended up going freelance when my agency was full of assholes instead of people who were like him." She smiled. "You inspired a lot of us here, Captain. Thank you for all you did." She bounded off. "Clint's protecting him hard," she warned at one drooling person.
"Clint can't mind us gushing over his teammate. He's probably used to it with Stark and bimbos." He ran over to hug the Captain. "My father said if I ever met you to give you that because you freed his grandfather and uncle." He walked off looking cool and composed.
Clint looked over. "Brett, tell me you didn't bring work with you? I saw your name on the safe manifest. You know Xander's back here."
His eyes widened. "Shit."
"Yeah."
"Ooops. I'm handing it off tomorrow?" Clint pointed at Coulson. "He's on vacation."
"This is our handler." He grinned. "He's helping me with the paperwork stuff."
"Super shit." He grimaced. "I'll arrange it so you don't know, Clint. We don't want to break the peace treaty here or make Xander kill us. Or you, or your partner," he said with a nod at her, looking down as he scurried away.
She frowned. "When did he get here?"
"Earlier," Clint said dryly.
"I do hope he's not working," she called after him. "I do not want to ruin my bikinis by getting your blood on me." She sat down, looking at the new person at the table. "When did you get here?"
"I flew in with that guy. Apparently he didn't recognize me then."
"It's safe here so he can go into fangirl squealing," Clint said. He looked around. "No Xander." He called him. "You may not skip meals," he said firmly. He listened. "Why did they drag you to the club? Oh, your almost fourth spouse is here. Tell him he can tempt you with gun cleaning time later, Xander. That I'm making you eat with me and my teammates." He hung up. He looked at Natasha. "One of your former coworkers, Stephan?"
"I remember him," she said.
"He stalked Xander around Cairo for a few days, got fixated. Tried to snatch him but Xander avoided it without realizing it until the mushy, creepy notes started to come. He emailed me a few to see how he should answer them. They seriously screwed up his mind because he thought the entrails of Xander's enemies was *sweet*."
"It's not a gift I adore getting but I would appreciate the lack of work," she said. "He's here?" Clint nodded. "I'll have to finish off my last attempt to kill him later." Her eyes glazed over and she got up. Coulson took her off before she could make it to the ocean.
"The protections on the resort will make you walk into the ocean until you drown if you try to break the non-peacefulness part of it," Clint told them. "Only Xander might be immune. This is the second time Natasha's gotten hit. Coulson got hit for wanting to arrest someone."
Steve Rogers nodded. "That's weird but nice I guess. Means that it's a really safe place to relax and unwind."
"It is." Clint looked around. "That's one of the spa's people." She walked over. "Big problems?"
"Few problems. What are you doing about Xander?"
"Right now, he's having fun with an ex." Clint stared at her. "Since we didn't *agree* to be part of that rite, we've decided it was like we got drunk and did something in a dorm." She grimaced, but her eyes were furious. "Especially since you nearly drove Xander to never talk to anyone ever again for hating himself." She nodded, backing off. "If he wants us, he's more than capable of flirting. He's done it to me a few times when he was drunk after huge incidences."
"Fine. It will help him get control faster."
"Or it could cost him all his control since he'll hate himself for hurting others," Clint said more firmly. "Because someone drugged us all." He stared at her. "I'd guess not being happy with yourself would hinder getting control."
"It would," she said. "It was necessary to ground him."
"Then you could've *asked*." She slumped but nodded, walking off. "Sorry, guys."
"What happened?" Steve asked.
"We have no idea," Clint admitted. "We were all drugged by the former owner's wives after Xander broke out in magic. Including Xander. All we know is we woke up after some fairly enthusiastic sex." Steve stared at him, mouth slightly open. "We all calmed down each other and talked about it. To us, we were lit in a dorm room and did something stupid. That's all it's going to be. Unless one of us wants to make it more." Clint saw Xander's boyfriend come stomping out. "What happened?" he complained quietly. The arms dealer looked over then stomped over to glare at him. "What? Is he have PTSD to the witches doing a rite?"
"They did what?"
"We have no idea. We woke up there."
"That's probably why. He got some sort of flash or vision and went to hide in the bathroom to get sick."
"It's probably normal," Clint agreed. "I'll talk to him when he comes out."
"How often is this going to happen?"
"Those of us who like Xander as more than a convenient, fun hole can handle it. Don't worry." Philip stomped off again. "Let me go talk to him." He got up, heading inside. He found Xander in his room curled up in a tiny ball between the bed and the wall. "Hey." Xander moaned, covering his head with the pillow he pulled down. Clint removed it to stare at him. "It wasn't your fault."
"It was. They did it because of me."
"Still not your fault. It's like Willow doing a spell that hurt you. Who would they blame?"
Xander snorted, not looking at him. "Me. Same as usual."
"Fuck that," Clint said, pulling him up. He stared at him. "Shit like this only usually happens in Vegas."
"I didn't know there were ritual altars there."
"There was one here?"
He nodded. "I saw it."
"Why?"
"I don't know."
"I'm going to make sure it wasn't the witches. One of them tried to get judgmental on you about not screwing us." Xander shook his head. "You don't want to?" he asked with a teasing grin.
"Shut up."
"Fine. Come eat." Xander went to get sick. "I'm hoping that's not morning sickness."
"Not. Funny!"
"With some witches, it might be possible," he quipped, heading for the bathroom. He opened the door, staring at Xander. "You okay?"
"Nope."
"I have those same thoughts."
"Then why isn't it making you sick?" He looked up at him.
"Different conditioning." He helped him up. "We all agreed it was a bad thing that we didn't do or have any part in." Xander nodded. "I'm going to have someone talk to the witches to make sure it's not a problem they caused. I already talked to one about how you could come flirt if you wanted us for real." He walked him out to the table, letting Xander get something soothing. Clint's food was waiting on him. "Thanks, Marina."
"Welcome, Clint." She looked at Xander. "I can get you something more substantial."
"I'm not really in the mood to eat," he said.
"Fine. Even though you need more energy for things."
Clint stared at her. "I thought it was just the ladies at the spa?"
She snorted, but smiled at him. "Half of us at the resort were in a relationship of some kind with the old owner, Clint." She strolled off.
Xander looked at him, shrugging some. "I don't know. No one gave me a list."
"Me either." Natasha and Coulson came out together. "You good, Nat?"
"I'm fine." She sat down and her dinner was brought out. "Thank you, Mirana."
"Welcome, ma'am." She walked off again after refilling water glasses.
"She was in a relationship with the old owner too," Clint said. "Apparently half the staff were."
She stuffed her mouth, staring at him. She chewed and swallowed. "Why?" Xander got up and walked off again, going to be sick. "Still?" She ate another bite. Clint nodded. "We will help him through those things."
"I made a joke about morning sickness."
She paused, staring at him. "I wouldn't put it past Rosenburg but I don't think the ones here are *that* unethical."
"Don't know."
"They don't seem very good," Stark said.
"They thought they were helping and they begged for their lives," Clint said.
"I'm wondering how many were involved in that," Natasha said.
"I've found security footage," Coulson said. "Only the ones at the spa." They both nodded. "What happened earlier? His paramour looked pissed off."
"We've got to talk to them since Xander got a flash of what happened," Clint said.
"I can do that after dinner," Natasha said. They all looked up. "Xander just left or was taken." She ate a bite. Clint sent Xander a message. He didn't get one back. "Nothing?"
"Not yet." He stared at his phone as he ate. He'd help Xander again later.
***
Sixteen days later, Clint touched down the helicopter, getting out and walking over to where the battle had been. "It sucks huge when I have to find out where you are thanks to CNN." Xander looked up from his poking the fire with a stick. "Why didn't you answer?"
"Because you don't need me around. They'll probably try it again."
Clint stared at him. "Natasha nearly killed them. That flash was them trying to teach you to be monogamous. They had a talk about reality." He took the stick from him and tossed it into the fire. "C'mon, we're going back on vacation." Xander frowned at him. "We are. I'm still off missions."
"Why?"
"Because I got brainwashed and the officials can't decide if it means I'm a future danger. Even with you banishing it all."
"I don't think you are."
"I shouldn't be anyway." He hauled Xander up. "How did you get here?"
"I ..."
"You ran because you were still upset with yourself?" Xander nodded, looking around then at him. "Did it help?"
"I found control. They were trying to overload me so I could have a storehouse of energy."
"You don't need that. You can pull it up when things happen."
"That was my feeling," he said quietly. He looked around again. Clint made him look at him. He still wouldn't meet his eyes. "I..."
"You're still mentally angsting over it. We all wish it hadn't happened, Xander. If I was going to pounce you into bed, I wanted to remember it and it be because I decided to go gay." Xander moaned, shaking his head as he looked down. Clint forced his chin up again. "None of us blame you. You're as much a victim of them as we were. Even if they did it to try to help you." Xander slumped, nodding. "Now, let's go."
"I... I need to be here." He looked at him. "I can do good things here."
"You can do good things at home." A new demon appeared and Xander grabbed his axe before lunging at it. Clint shot it and killed it. Xander stared at him. "I'm good at it." He grinned. "Get your things and let's go somewhere that has running water."
"I don't fit in there, Clint. I'm always self conscious and worried about things like innocent targets. Now even more with the magic stuff."
Clint shrugged. "We all worry about that. People come for guys like me. It's still nicer if you have running water."
"I don't mind bathing in a stream."
"I do. So let's go?" Xander shook his head. Clint sighed, getting his bag and coming back. "Fine."
Xander stared at him. "I can work on my control alone."
"You're not allowed to be alone. You do stupid things." Xander scowled. "You do." He built up the fire and pulled out stuff to eat. Xander sighed but sat down to eat with him. He could sneak off later.
***
Clint caught up to Xander and followed him around until Xander finally heaved a sigh and turned to glare at him. "Friends follow each other into battles." Xander glared. "We do. You have in the past."
"I'm not like that anymore."
"Bullshit." He moved closer. "You are. You're just ignoring it behind this trauma and the new cover identity." He stared at him. "Friends don't let each other down. So if I have to I'll follow you until you realize that it didn't break our friendship." He stared at him. "Got it?"
Xander shook his head. "No. I don't. I don't understand how you can even look at me."
"It's not hard. You're cute. Need a shave though." Xander snorted, walking off again. Clint followed. Of course someone decided to grab Xander, and got their ass handed to them before Clint could step in. Then they kept moving. Even when Xander ran into one of the shaman that had trained him, on purpose, and they went to talk. Clint guarded them. Ward had picked up the helicopter so it wasn't just sitting in the middle of the African plains. It'd be okay.
***
Clint looked up from sharpening his knives when a delicate cough sounded behind him. "Hey, May. Sit down?" He waved the knife at a log.
"Why are you here?"
"Helping Xander deal with things. Right now he's got an infection from his new special tattoo. Mostly because of the demon snot because one attacked him during it."
She sat on the log, staring at Xander's tent then at him. "People are wondering what's going on. We've heard reports of some sort of warlord wannabe."
"No, Xander took him out last week."
"He...he can do that?"
"Yeah." Clint looked at her. "What do you think happens when a slayer gets kidnaped?"
"I thought they had a special response team, the same as we do."
"They do, his name is Xander. Even if most of the slayers don't realize it."
She groaned, looking at the tent then at him. "So you're helping him?"
"No, I'm following him around because he's not listening." She stared. "It's guilt, May. I'm sure you've seen it before."
"I have. I also had a talk with one of those witches when they showed up to nag me that I needed time with Xander. I was really blunt and she walked off crying. I'm proud I let her walk off."
"Me too," Clint said. "I didn't let one of them walk off when she tried that with me." He smirked. "Xander just glared then shrugged and said at least it wasn't a bad idea."
"How long have you been doing this?"
"Four months next Tuesday."
She stared at him. "You've been traipsing around Africa for four months?" He was scruffy and looked like it had been a few days since a shower but he didn't look like four months of hard living.
"It's not my first trip here." He grinned. "I even got Xander to help me with a few things."
"Are you training him as an agent?"
"No, he's making the world safer for his slayers." Xander grunted. "It's just Agent May, Xander. Go back to sleep." They saw the tent shift as he flipped over against one wall then he went silent. Clint looked in there then sat back down. "He didn't leave."
"You sure?"
"Yeah. He managed to turn himself into a little monkey last week. He's doing it again. It's the infection."
She nodded once. "Okay." She stood up. "You should call in."
"The Director told me there's no need for me to be around until they decide I'm not compromised."
"I think they figured that out last month when things were going on."
"I have my cell. No calls."
"I'll remind them of that." She looked at the tent. "Are you sure he's still there?" Clint reached in to gently grab the monkey so he could curl up on his lap for petting time. "He's...cute." She shook her head. "Let me know if you need help." She walked off.
"If you're looking for that guy that got the orphanage, he's gone," Clint called.
"No, we weren't. We have bigger fish to fry than that."
"Sure, but we got the rest of his rebel band too." She stared at him. He grinned, petting Xander.
"Tell Coulson just in case?"
"I've emailed him progress reports. If he hasn't gotten them that's not my fault."
"I'll let him know that." She got back into her rental jeep and drove off.
Clint looked down at the Xander monkey. "It's nice she's defrosted some." He went back to petting the tiny monkey. Xander was really cute like this.
***
May walked onto the plane, looking at her handler. "Coulson, Barton said he's been emailing you reports. If you haven't gotten them, it's not his fault. He also mentioned a rebel band they took out."
He stared at her. "That doesn't shock me. Xander's done a few of those himself when they were bothering slayers." He got into his official email. Nothing. "I need to see where they were diverted to." He looked to his left and the woman in the guest chair reading a book in Chinese. "Natasha?"
"They're now in your backup, blind email account. I left Agent Hill a nice note about her not getting them before you, that was outside protocol. I suggested she share the book of protocol with the brunette with red tips that is not worthy of the sneering she puts out." She turned the page. "Is Xander better?"
"No. He managed to turn himself into a tiny monkey Clint was petting. Barton said he had a slight infection from his new tattoos because a demon attacked during it."
Coulson nodded. "Things like that happen around those two." Natasha let out a tiny laugh but didn't lower the book any. "We should check on them. He'll tell you how things really are."
"I have talked to him many times," she said, lowering the book to look at him. "He's making progress but Xander still blames himself. He's working on it. They've had a few shouting matches over it but have worked some things out."
"Good," Coulson agreed. "How much longer do you think it'll take? The Director isn't patient."
"Barton said he had his cellphone and no one's called him in," May said. "That he was sure they had decided he was compromised."
"I'll be fixing that as well," Coulson said. He got into that other email, looking over the latest few to make sure their mission hadn't changed. It had, new people were in charge. "Xander blew up our target for trying to get one of the mini slayers. Interesting."
"What did he use?" Natasha asked.
"TNT, homemade." He flipped back through the others to skim them. "They're on their third set of leaders. Good. Means it's easier."
May stepped around to read them, looking shocked. "How did two people do that?"
"It's Clint and Xander," Natasha said with a shrug. "Clint and I do a lot of damage when we have to. Those two do it more often, but they're men so they're like that." Coulson shot her a dirty look. She smiled back.
"Are we sure Barton's not training him to be an agent?" May asked.
"The Director would never allow it," Coulson said. "Xander's a wildcard in many ways. They've made peace, slightly, but they aren't fond of each other. It's basically like two armies making a peace treaty to attack their mutual enemy."
"What if they run out of enemies?"
"There's always many enemies waiting in the shadows," Natasha said. "We'll never be done. Neither will the Council." She went back to her book.
"I don't think there'll ever be a time without some demon with a plan, or some terrorist with a plan," Coulson agreed. Ward walked in. "You look bad. Are you sick?"
"Fitz got me with something he was spraying. He assured me I won't get sick, it was special cleaning stuff." He took some tissues to blow his nose on. "Agent Romanoff?" She looked up. "Did you want to put your gear up?"
"I already have, Agent Ward." She smiled. "We're used to billeting very quickly and efficiently so we don't have too much lag time on assignments."
"That's good. Any word on your partner?"
"He's following Xander around to help him."
Ward nodded. "I've seen his style once in the past. I was a bit horrified but it was good he could take out the group that demanded he be handed over."
Coulson stared at him. "How many were there?"
"Probably in the teens but I didn't get an accurate count due to them being in pieces thanks to the artillery Xander found and used."
Coulson nodded. "Good. It's good he's that good." He went back to the reports. "Our next mission is listed as being dead. I need to verify that. He tried to take Xander hostage but Clint got him. Then Xander got his house." He frowned but cleared it up. "I'm wondering where his weapons went."
"No telling but I'm guessing Cleveland, sir," Ward said.
"Quite possibly. We really do have to give them a better armory master." He clicked to the next one, laughing. "They're the ones that took out that biogerm lab. Xander was offended when they came to sample his blood."
"Wonderful," Natasha said. "I'm glad he could."
"Us too," Coulson said. "Clint said he had a sprained ankle. Xander snuck off after them. They had driven them off but Xander was sure they'd try again so he handled it. Made quite a mess." He checked the next one, nodding. "We really have to get better intel sharing."
"If you ask, Clint would tell you," Natasha reminded him. "Xander may not tell you everything but Clint knows how to report to you."
"If this isn't solved soon, I'll go personally check on them," Coulson said. He got back to the current mission's information. "Skye?" he called. She walked in. "Find this." He handed her a name. "They're the leader of the group we're going after for having alien technology."
She nodded, walking off to get into her computer to do that. She'd wonder about the agents mentioned in the file later. One looked familiar but she wasn't sure from where.
***
Six weeks later, Coulson walked up to where the boys were camped, sitting down across from them. "Clint, your phone does not work."
"Yes it does. I called on it yesterday to check in with 'Tasha, sir." He smiled. "It also takes text messages and voicemail."
"Certain elements within SHIELD have been screening things. I asked and she said you weren't needed. Fury had a polite fit." Xander snorted. He looked at him. "For the director it was." He stared at him. "Are you ready to head back to civilization?"
"No. Because I don't want to risk myself around people. People are a major problem for me."
"There's a battle in a week."
"I heard. Buffy said she didn't need me."
"She's lying," Coulson said.
"I know. I did the battle plans for her." He grinned a tiny bit. "She's like that in case you hadn't noticed. Even having gifts doesn't take me out of the realm of 'normal guy'."
"Clearly no one's told them anything about what you've been doing for the last six months," he said. He looked at Clint. "The Director had not seen those files. He was not amused."
Clint shrugged. "I don't live for his amusement. He's lost my trust."
"I don't like hearing that. Have the rest of us?"
"Not you," Clint said.
Coulson nodded. "Sometimes the administration has different priorities than those of us in the field. We need you back."
"You can have him," Xander said.
"The girls still need you."
"I'll show up to help them," Xander said, staring at him. "Even if they do bitch."
"They underestimate you."
"They always have." He shrugged. "It comes under the heading of being their normal guy."
"I don't think you've been the average american male since you were sixteen," Coulson said. Xander smiled at him. "You could come in."
"No I can't," he said, losing that smile. "I can't handle people. It's safer if I don't need to handle people."
"Have you made sure it's your control slipping and not your temper or just a worry?" Coulson asked. Xander stared at him. "It could all be in your mind."
"Until the next higher demon shows up to test himself against me." He looked at Clint. "He had to get some tattooing redone."
"I did," he agreed. "It's only happened twice." He looked at Coulson. "It's a minor worry that he's blown up."
"That's reasonable." He stared at Xander. "We can help."
"I'm good. I'm better here."
"The resort's coven said you had to reappear sometime soon to redo the protections," Coulson said. "That you can't do them from a distance."
"I've already done them. I popped over for a night. Then I slept for the next two days."
Coulson nodded. "Good job avoiding the conflict." He stared at him. "What are your long term plans?"
"I don't make long term plans. Anytime I do they get interrupted. I haven't had any plans since my roadtrip."
"We should go somewhere to celebrate your birthday," Clint said.
"I was planning on heading to the coast to do that." He looked at him. "You can send me a card from somewhere."
Clint shook his head. "Nope. I'm not leaving while you're in this state." Xander huffed. He looked at Coulson. "He's tried to leave me behind a few times."
"You're more stubborn than almost anyone I know," Coulson said. "I doubt that would work." He looked at Xander again. "Come in for a while? Mr. Giles is worried about you and keeps asking our director for any information on you."
Xander shrugged. "I'm fine. You can tell him that. Or that I'm good enough and I don't want to deal with the bitches or possibly get one of the slayers hurt. Then assure him I have control of my magic when he goes off on that."
"I can do that but it would be better if you two talked in person." Xander shrugged. "What happens if the battle's bigger than you think it will be?"
"I'll be there helping. The girls might not like it but I will be." Coulson nodded. "You can take Clint though. I'm good. I'm on an even mental footing again." Clint stared at him. "I am."
"Shut up, Xander."
"You're needed. The world needs hero guys who little kids can look up to and say 'I want to be like him'." He stared at him. "I make them have nightmares and you make them think good thoughts of humanity going on. They need that. There's too much darkness in today's world."
"There is," Coulson agreed. "Especially after Thor's people had their alignment issue. I still want to see their God of Cleaning Up." He looked at Clint, who was grinning. "They have to have one."
"Probably. We can ask the next time I run into the big, blond guy."
"He's in London with Jane Foster." Clint stared. Coulson nodded. "He gave up Asgard until she passes over."
"Huh. That's love."
Xander stared at him. "I thought we were just friends." Clint glared at him. "You're giving up your life to follow me around."
"Shut up, Xander. You're cuddly but until you flirt with me I'm not going to have sex with you. Big difference between me and Thor. I love you but not that way." Xander smirked back. "Asshole."
"Often," he agreed. "That's one of the fonder names I've been called recently." He sipped his boiled water with tea leaves. "You can have him if you need him, Coulson. I'm good enough."
"No you're not," Coulson said. "You should both come in for the battle." He stared at him. "You're the same sort of heroic figure for the slayers, Xander."
"Not since I found magic. Since then it's been about that. Plus warning the girls in case I get an itch." He finished his tea.
Clint nodded. "We talked to the one about three days driving back. Buffy had told her about that and why mages had multiple spouses. Xander laughed when she wondered about that. We had to straighten out a lot of problems."
"How many think you're sleeping together?" Coulson asked.
"Partners but not sex buddies. This is Africa. They don't automatically go to gay thoughts like the US does when they see two buddies out together." He looked at Xander. "We can go have a steak."
"I told you to kill the cow they offered us," he said.
Clint rolled his eyes, looking at Coulson, who shook his head but was smiling. "Yeah, it's been that way recently."
Xander winced, holding his head. "Sure, I can handle that." He got up, going to pack things. "Coulson, there's a huge demon about eighty miles away. Take Clint, I'll go kill it. We'll meet up after his thing is done."
"What part of hell no don't you get?" Clint said firmly. Xander ignored him. He looked at his handler. "He's more stubborn than Nat."
"She was worried she'd find you being some guerilla warfare figure soon." He stared at him. "Go after him. I'll shut down the fire." Clint hopped up to take down things to put into the jeep they had found. Coulson killed the fire, handing Clint the food that had been cooking in the embers. Once the boys were gone he got into is own truck and drove off. He followed them to see what was going on.
***
Six days later, Xander limped into a native clinic he had heard had good doctors, carrying Clint on his back. "He got stabbed by a poison claw," he told the nurse. "I'm with the Watchers Council. He needs an anti-venom." She ran into the back. She came back with one of the doctors. "Hey. He got stabbed by a poisoned claw. He needs an anti-venom."
"Put him on the table," the doctor ordered. He winced at the wound. "Have you cleaned it?"
"Yes, twice." He pointed. "That's a poison sac and it'll have to be removed without bursting it. I don't have the field medic skills to do that."
"I can do that," the doctor said. Another doctor stomped in, the nurse having called him about two guys who spoke English. "She said you're a watcher?"
"Yes. New Council but yes. I've trained a bunch of the slayers on the continent."
"That's good. Are you injured?"
"I'm good. Mine are minor scratches."
"Get on the table," the other doctor ordered. He looked at the first guy then at this new one. Xander started to protest. "Get on the table, Harris. Before I tell the others."
"I'm good. I only need to clean mine. Work on Clint, please."
"Unless these new powers of yours give you a self-healing gift don't piss me off," he warned, staring at him. "You're the single biggest subject of talk on the server the Avengers keep thanks to Stark. Table. Now." He pointed. Xander sighed but hopped up there. "What's wrong with Clint?"
"Poisoned claw. You need to take the poison sac out without busting it. I'm not that good of a field medic. I've read the books on how to do minor surgeries but that takes a delicate touch and more than a few supplies. The anti-venom is available through Giles."
"We can send for some." He checked Xander over. "Nice tattoo work."
"Thank you. The shaman I trained with finished them for me. They also redid Clint's when his got broken."
"Anything we should know about his new artwork that might be a problem? Special inks..."
"Yes, but it's magical in nature. They're well set and healed."
"Good to know." They got Clint to surgery to take out that poison sac. They came back to find Xander treating his scrapes. Dr. Banner moved closer to do that for him. "Are you a doctor?"
"No, but I learned from a former friend's mother's medical textbooks as a kid. Someone had to do my stitches." He shrugged. "I'm pretty good up to minor surgeries to remove things like bullets."
"There's things beyond the books that you need to learn."
"No, those I learned from experience." Banner glared at him. "I did. You can ask Clint."
"Fine." He finished his check. "The anti-venom was delivered while he was in surgery. Did he get hit on the head?"
"He went flying thanks to the demon with the claws. I've been waking him up every three hours. You guys weren't the closest clinic but you were the better one. The other two had nuns who hate the Council and demons. I asked one to look at the poison sac and they refused because it was from a demon."
"I've seen some of those," Banner said. He stared at him. "Stark told us about you."
"Did he ask my former friends or did he ask others?"
"I have no idea who he asked. Though Natasha has corrected him a few times."
"She's a nice lady." He grinned. "And hell on the topless beach too." Banner gave him a dirty look. "We were at a mostly nude resort."
"I've only heard a tiny bit about that." He patted him on the arm, seeing the wince. "Stitches hurt?"
"Time for advil." He looked in his pack, pulling out a package of tea mix. "Can I bum some hot water?"
"Is that an herbal painkiller?"
"Yup. One of the shaman I trained under taught me to make it. He's really good at potions."
"Interesting. How well does it work?"
"Higher level advil."
"I'll get you some water." He went to do that, bringing back the steaming cup. Xander poured some in and swirled it with a finger before drinking it. "We're going to have Clint resting all night."
"That's fine. I can go find a room or something."
"You could stay. He's going to be mad if you drop him off and head to a hotel."
"Nah. You're a teammate and a friend. It'll do good for him to talk to you." He grinned, hopping up and grabbing his pack. The herbs got put back into the pocket. "Thank you, Dr. Banner. Have a good talk with Clint." He walked off, taking his jeep off once Clint's pack was with the nurse. Now he didn't have to worry about hurting Clint or him getting hurt because of a demon coming for him. Clint was in good, friendly hands.
Banner went to check on Clint. He wasn't exactly sedated but he wasn't really awake and chatty yet. He sat with him until he woke up around three in the morning. "Morning."
"Banner," he said, holding his head. "Where am I?"
"The clinic I'm working in. Xander brought you in to get you treated for the demonic poison."
Clint looked at him. "Did Xander hike off?"
"He said he'd be getting a hotel room or something."
"Yeah, that 'or something' is him running away." He sat up with a groan, holding his side. "Damn."
"You're not going back into the field for at least a week, until that seals." He stared at him. "Don't make me tell Natasha. She's been working with Rogers."
"That's good. They can support each other." He looked at his side then at him. "Am I missing anything?"
"Just one demon poison sac."
"Great." He nodded. "I'm going to beat Xander to death."
"For getting you injured?"
Clint stared at him, shaking his head. "NO!" He snorted. "For running away. That's why we've been working together, he's been shying away from people." He stretched and winced. "Four days."
"Totally sealed," Banner corrected. "Not just mostly sealed." Clint sighed but nodded. "Stark's set up a bulletin board."
"I've ghosted on it a few times. Laughed and told Xander what they were complaining about."
"He seems...different."
"That's mostly that he's not comfortable around people any more." He waved his arms around, nodding. "That's better at least. Thanks, Doc."
"Welcome. You're still staying until you're healed."
"Unless Xander needs me." He stared at him. "We've been handling some bigger problems we've run into. Like a hell goddess' temple last week." Banner stared at him, mouth open. "She wanted to flirt with me, Doc! Hell yes she went down."
"Uh-huh. Do others know about this?"
"I send reports to Coulson."
"Huh. Okay." He stood up. "Lay back down." Clint sighed but did that. "Thank you." He tucked him in and went to his own cot in the back room. He emailed Stark from his phone. Stark, so not amused.
***
Clint woke up a few days later when someone touched his arm. "Bert?"
"What did you do to Xander?"
"Not a damn thing beyond making him talk about stuff."
"We heard about the thing at the resort."
"They made it happen, it wasn't us being happy."
"I knew that. We all found that out. Did you know Xander was off handling things again?"
"What did he blow up this time?"
"Two former boyfriends' compounds." He grimaced. "He's turning evil."
"He wasn't when he got me here."
"Then maybe you're evil-be-gone, Barton. We don't really care but you need to stop him before he gets to Hubert's compound. Hubert won't let him take him out. He's already paranoid about Xander coming."
"Crap."
"Basically." He helped him up. "You can use my 'copter to get there. Please stop him before he takes out the rest of us. We know he's in a foul mood thanks to whatever the slayers did this time."
"That happens fairly often," he said. "Thanks for the loaner."
"Welcome. Just stop him before we have new people who want to take over." Clint nodded, grabbing his pack from the corner and sneaking out with Bert. The helicopter was on the edge of town. A map of where Xander was waited on him. That was handy. He took off and flew after the goofy kid before he needed an exorcism or something.
Too late on that one compound but Xander was at the one up the road who had been hoarding wild animals.
Xander looked up as the helicopter landed, shaking his head and killing the beast in front of him. "Shouldn't you be letting your teammate buy you a beer?"
"Probably. What's going on?" He shot the two animals trying to attack. "Xander?"
"Stopping a zombie epidemic. We had a rogue witch recalling the dead."
"Is that why you blew up three boyfriends?"
"Yup. The mage took them out first then revived them to have slaves." They ended up surrounded by zombie animals but they could handle those odds and Xander could blow them up too. Then they searched the compound and blew it up. Xander hunted the witch down to his hut out back. They screamed and tried to run but Clint got them. Xander found what he had been doing and stopped the spell then looked at the ruins. "Not too bad. We need to check the locals. One of them told me about the unliving walking person. I don't want to have to burn this area to the soil." He rubbed his eye.
Clint made Xander look at him. "I would've helped."
"You're injured."
"So? You're not?" he shot back. He walked Xander back to the jeep, taking the keys so he could drive them to the local village. They had already gathered all the walking undead. Xander burned the hut they were trapped in and they were at peace again. The local sheriff called the others to talk to them. They had a nice call with everyone within the circle of damage. Once they were sure it was all cleaned up, Clint drove the jeep back to the helicopter, had it hooked up to tow it in the air, and made Xander get in so they could go somewhere and rest. Bert could find his own helicopter once they were done with it.
***
Fury showed up at the hotel Clint had chosen, staring at them once Clint let him in. "Zombies?" he demanded.
"Yup," Xander said, not looking up from his knife sharpening. "Had to be handled."
"You're warped, Xander," Clint said. Xander scowled at him. "No one else would go 'zombies, let's burn them' and then not have nightmares about turning."
"I have nightmares about worse stuff. Like the mayor. Because we have someone doing an ascension rite soon. I need to be in Cava Township." Clint stared. Xander grinned. "Immortal for his last hundred days. The eclipse is in three. I only heard last week."
"Fuck," Clint said. "Let the agents handle it."
"He's got nearly everyone there dirty and one of the slayers is near there. So no. You can go home if the growling one needs you."
Clint looked at Fury. "See what I put up with?"
"I would've dumped him as a friend."
"I'm not that shallow and he's trying to protect me. The same as Buffy used to do to him."
"Take that back! I'm not trying to make you feel helpless because you're normal!" He stood up, getting into Clint's face. "I'm trying to let you go back to the important thing you do, that jobby job thing you have. That way you can save others."
"You're important enough to save," Clint said firmly.
Xander looked hurt. "Why wouldn't I be?"
"That's not why I've been with you, Xander," he sighed. "I've been traveling with you because you needed the help and the company. I like you. You're a good friend. This is what friends do."
"You're going strange, emo places. Did you get an infection in that cut?" He looked at his side.
"No!" He looked at Fury then at Xander. He grabbed Xander's hands and forced them to his side so Xander had to pay attention. "I'm with you because you need me. That's what friends do. You'd come help me if I was in the depressed and upset state you were in when you came down here. Right?" Xander nodded. "That's the only reason I'm here. I like to spend time with you and you needed me here." He hugged him. "I'll go back to SHIELD if they need me but you're coming with me."
"I can't stand to be around people, Clint. We've been run out of three villages because we got attacked by something. Being around people is bad."
"Shut up, Xander."
"No!" He pulled back. "It's dangerous for me to be around people."
"Xander, I'm going to go kill more of your potential dating pool. Wouldn't you like to meet them before I get there?"
"Not like I've been dating."
Clint sighed. "I know. I know why. It's wrong but I know why." Xander scowled. "Fine, we'll work this out in a more civilized location. Where there's a huge hot water heater. I'm pretty sure Stark has one."
"Why would I go near your teammates?"
"Because you're coming with me."
"I'm needed to handle stuff here. Where there's less people to be endangered."
Fury looked up then at Clint. "You're being recalled in two days. You're needed in New York."
"Yes, sir." Fury stomped off. "See, New York is a great place to visit." He grinned. Xander stared at him. "I don't really care, Xander. Pack, let's go."
"No. You're going. I have no reason to go where there's that many potential targets." He flopped down on the couch. "I have to go handle Sydny's new auction anyway."
"No."
"That's not your decision. You have to go back to work." He stared at him. "I'm doing my job and you're doing yours."
"You're a frustrating prick, Xander."
"It happens," he shot back.
"Uh-huh. You're coming with me. I might need your help."
"Then you'll call and I'll hop over then come back."
Clint rolled his eyes, stomping off to pack them both up. He and Xander went to dinner in the marketplace like usual, then they went to bed so they could leave in the morning. Xander used a tiny sleep spell to knock Clint down so he could sneak out and into the jeep. Clint would wake up refreshed in the morning so he could fly back home.
***
Four days later, Xander was looking at his newest battle's aftermath, looking pleased with how efficient he was, when he felt a pinch on his neck. He grabbed it as he fell.
Ward picked him up and took him to the jeep, driving him off once he made sure he had all the weapons in the jeep. The mobile command plane was at the local airport waiting on them. He drove up and parked the jeep, getting out to tie it down. Coulson came down to smirk at Xander. "I darted him with the new flying zapper."
"That's a good test." They got Xander to a bunk and left him there to sleep. Though Coulson was nearby so Xander wouldn't panic when he woke up. Xander flinched awake just about dinner time, staring around. "You really did piss Clint off," he said, still reading. Natasha had taught him that trick. "He's very mad at you and said we could use you to handle a few problem cases we have going on, Xander." He turned the page. "You're on our command plane. The jeep is in the cargo bay. We have shielded it against magic. Your to-do list was handed over to agents working in the area so they could finish it off." He looked over, staring at him. "Go back to sleep. You need rest." He went back to reading.
"Did the evil, other one-eyed fuck send you?"
"No. Natasha did. You pissed off Clint and she said that's her job." He smiled. "We could use the help anyway."
Xander sat up, staring at him. "Things have been coming to attack me."
"I've heard. I've read all the reports Clint sent in and I've talked to the three ex's of yours that we've arrested recently. We've even let them tell us what you were doing." He closed the book, staring at him. "Some of that should have been reported."
"Not my job, talk to Clint."
"I have. He was embarrassed and tried to hide from Natasha beating him to death for taking on a hell goddess with just you."
"I took on one by myself."
"I heard." He smiled again. "Very good of you to handle it. Even if you did spend the next two days doing healing spells." He stared at him. "We could use the help anyway."
"Fine. But if something comes...."
"We'll handle it and then go back to the primary mission."
"I don't do good around people."
"I'm used to reclusive personalities. Natasha didn't talk to anyone for four months when we brought her into SHIELD." He stared at him. "Skye will try to chat you up. She's friendly that way." Xander shrugged. "Ward's here. He was partially trained by Clint."
"That's good."
"Agent May is here as well. She's flying though so she won't bother you too often." Xander nodded. "We have two scientists on board who might want to bother you about magic versus science."
"We have a book on that."
"I'll have to ask Mr. Giles for it when I tell him you're still alive. He was under the impression that you're still at the resort learning to harness your new gifts."
"No, I had to leave before something bad got started." He shifted. "You could've asked."
"It was us or Natasha, Xander, and she was going to beat you to death then tell you to help us."
"I don't play like that," he said dryly. "None of my ex's got to beat me and if friends do that I beat them back."
"I would like to test your sparring ability. She's a good test as she's on par with a slayer." Xander gave him a strange look. "She is."
"Uh-huh. You're ...you're doing weird plans right?"
"No." He opened his book back up. "I did forward Clint's reports to Mr. Giles so he could have an accurate view of what you've been handling. I think he choked a bit on that temple's report."
Xander glared. "If you're going to punish me, just do it."
"I'm not." He put the book down. "I think you're doing a great job of that on yourself. You're here because I need the skills you have for a few weeks." Xander looked down, nodding. "This is usually considered one of the nicest and sweetest postings within SHIELD, Xander. There's any number of witches I could have asked. I chose you because I can count on you to get my people out of things if necessary." Xander looked at him and nodded. "Good. Now, let's go eat?" Xander sighed but nodded, following him to the lounge area. "Xander, this is Skye. She's a hacker."
"Not magic with it too, right? She's not like Willow?"
"No. She has more sense most of the time and no addiction."
"That's good." He shook her hand. "Xander Harris."
"You're that guy with the Council."
"I am. Though I'm pretty much on retired adjunct status since I'm not on assignment."
"I wouldn't call you retired, Xander. You've been taking out huge problems like a zombie epidemic that got started. Mostly by yourself." Xander shrugged, looking sheepish. "We have a case in Cleveland."
"The hellmouth gives me horrible headaches."
"That's fine. We'll be slightly outside of town and we hopefully won't need any of your coworkers."
"I can handle it if we do," Xander said.
"Even better." He smiled. "Let's feed you. You probably haven't eaten in days. Clint complained that you were doing that in a few reports." He got them dinner and Xander sat down to eat.
Ward came in, nodding at everyone. "Xander, the jeep's all tied down and I left your weapons alone. That way you can check them over later."
"Thanks, Ward."
"Welcome. I know how picky some people are about their weapons. I tried to touch Clint's bow once." Coulson tried not to smile at that. "I spent six weeks sparring with Agent Romanoff for it." Xander grinned, shaking his head. "While you're here, can you help me teach Skye some hand-to-hand?"
"I can. I do it with the slayers. But I'm not nice about it," Xander told her.
"I might need that some day."
"He's very good. He and Clint Barton were working as a well-oiled team in Africa for six months." Coulson ate a bite of food. He looked at Skye. "He has a lot he can teach you, even if you think he's being mean."
"I try very hard not to be mean," Xander said.
"Us too," Ward agreed. "I hate it when trainees go out pouting like toddlers."
Xander nodded. "I hate it when the slayers do the same thing." He dug into his dinner again then went to grab his weapons to check over. Ward helped him carry and Skye kind of hovered within sight so she could look them over. He tossed her a bag. "This is a slayer's battle pack. Each of the girls has one and they're more than welcome to fill it with other weapons they like. Make sure you know what each one is used for, how to sharpen it, and how to at least hold it." She sat down to open the bag and look inside. The guys both smiled at her groan.
Ward moved over to help her since she was his trainee. "Interesting pack. Good survival knife, which does a lot of duty. Two guns, both easy to find ammo for no matter which country you're in but they're not the best guns."
"I went with those for the ammo ease," Xander admitted. "They're not great but if you take good care of them they won't jam." He went back to doing a needed cleaning of his swords and axe.
"I see a scythe-like weapon," Ward said. "Handy in close combat and probably a weapon the girls in native environments are used to for harvest." Xander nodded. "I see a collapsible pole?" Xander smiled and nodded. "I see a book and I see stuff to pack?"
"You see a book with handy things like how to make a holy water grenade and packing material for those," Xander agreed. Ward stared at him. "When it's you against dozens of things they're very handy."
"I bet." He looked at the rest. "Two stakes, and I see an iron one?"
"Some things are killed by iron, some by silver, or wood, or even sugar in two cases," Xander said. "You should also see the compact identification book in the front pocket." She found that and checked the rest of the pockets. Ammo kept in a waterproof case. Sharpening kit for the blades. One box that confused her until she opened it to see a take-apart sword. A modern version but it was super sharp. On the back were two crossbows in webbed pockets that sat underneath the frame of the pack so it didn't drag but they could be reached from the sides. The front straps had zippered compartments that held bolts, one wood with regular tips, one metal with regular tips but there was a small bundle of special tips in one of the side pockets. The other side pocket held two filter bottles for water and a place to put survival or hiking supplies.
Coulson nodded at that set. "That's very practical."
Xander smiled. "Fred designed it before she became Illyria."
"We need those for trainees," Ward said. "Very compact, very easy to carry everything we need outside of specialty gear." He helped her reload everything but the knife, teaching her to sharpen it. "Less angle," he said. She adjusted her grip and he showed her again. She got it this time.
"Twenty on each side, test it then finish it," Xander said. "You always want to make sure it's even and a good edge can take twenty strokes or more. Hardly ever less."
"That's good to know," she said. "This is really calming."
Xander grinned. "I sometimes meditate while sharpening. If I hum, I'm doing that. Sorry." He went back to the cleaning.
Coulson hid a smile. It was good to see Xander pretending to be normal. Now they had to break the pretending and get him back to a more even footing. Clint had done good, but it was time to work on the rest.
Melinda May came back to grab something to eat. Xander stared at her. "Do we need to sub flying the plane? I've only taken flying minor chopper lessons."
"Autopilot, Xander." He nodded, going back to cleaning them. "Those are pretty." Xander grinned. "May I?" She pointed at the axe.
"Um, no. It's presently got a blessing on it that nearly ate Clint a while back. We ran into a native witch who was not happy we were white guys. Sorry." He let her handle his backup axe. It was a single headed one. She had some grace with it. Xander stood up and moved her. "You're not using the length to your advantage. It's longer and heavier than a sword but it's also a dual weapon. You can use it like you would a staff to block and as an axe for cutting, chopping, and slicing." She nodded.
He took it back to go through the axe kata he used, getting a slow nod from her. He handed it back. "You try." She did the same thing and he gently shoved on a few places as she moved. "It's like an extra long hand, May. Treat it like you would a staff, not a blade." She shifted her weight and he nodded as she did it again, only having to correct something. "That's better. You can bum it while we're on here." He sat down to go back to cleaning.
She looked it over. "It could use sharpened."
"I was getting to it later. I go from short to longest and heaviest."
She nodded, walking off with it. "I have a whet stone in my gear."
"Remember to taper the ends," Xander said. "Like you do with a very tipped dagger."
"I can do that. Thank you, Xander."
"Not a problem. You guys might need it some day." He groaned and held his head. "Ow. Willow. Why is she doing it this time?"
"Attacking because you're coming near Cleveland or because you're powerful and going toward Cleveland?" Coulson asked, helping him shift to lay down.
"I think it's because I have power, not really sure. I don't want to crash us lashing out at her," he said between gritting teeth. "Or else she'd be a witch pancake."
"Filter it to go outside the plane, onto the wind," Coulson said. Xander took a deep breath and did that, sending it back at her. The plane blacked out for a moment but came right back up. "Good job. Much better than we'd expect."
"I knew I shouldn't be around people."
"It's not you, it's her, Xander." He let him rest for now. Coulson sat back down, looking at Ward.
"Can we sic someone on her?" Skye asked.
"Yes," Coulson said. "I am. The Director wanted to chat with her." He smiled. "I'm sure he'll have a delightful talk."
"He's not allowed near the Council. A lot of the other staff thinks he'll try to turn her onto their side and use her to infiltrate us or to ruin the system so he can absorb the slayers."
"We'd never allow it, Xander," Ward said.
"The Director did want to at one time," Coulson said. "Which resulted in a mass memory spell over SHIELD."
Xander nodded, one hand over his eyes. He finally pulled out his phone, calling someone. "I know I owe you ten bucks but can you smite the witch for me since I'm in the air? No, not flying, I'm in a plane, Doug. I don't think I can fly on my own. Thank you. Just tried to kill me. Again. I sent it back but it's interfering with the plane. Thank you, Doug. No, I'm with Clint's handler guy. Why? Is Clint in trouble? I'll go help. I told him I would." He sighed. "Sure, we can send someone to stop the drinking game before the accidental wish happens. Send Willow. She likes being needed and helpful." He grinned. "Thanks." He hung up.
"That would definitely stop an Avengers drinking match," Coulson said quietly. Xander grinned at him without opening his eyes.
***
The Second Act of CHAOS.