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Phil Coulson appeared at the slayer house that night, smiling at the guy who opened the door. "Mr. Rayne. Is Xander here?"

"I believe he's in Hawaii at his house."

"That's what I thought but I had hopes. Andrew."

"Hi, Agent Coulson. What's wrong?"

"I was going to talk to Xander about something."

"He's at the vacation home babying the bite from the thing earlier. I can get you there."

"Please. That's very kind of you, Andrew." Andrew sent him through the portal. He stared at his nephew. "Can we speak alone please, Barnes?"

"Nope," he said. "Xander's supposed to be staying quiet and laying down so the bite heals. The demonic healer said so."

"That's fine, I don't want or intend to upset him." Bucky stared at him. "Really, I'm not going to." Bucky got up and went to his room. Phil looked at him. "We need to talk about a few things that have come to my notice."

"What?" Xander asked. "The battle earlier? I was working off the foul mood I've been in for days."

"I saw that. And the hellmouth you created thanks to them trying to sell you."

"For parts."

"Yes, I found out why. Why didn't you come to me to get something to help that?"

"Because I trust your boss about as far as I can throw the helicarrier while I'm giving it a blowjob," Xander said bluntly.

"I wouldn't have told Fury. I haven't yet. The only reason we know now is that we took Willow from the others' custody. She babbled about why she had done that and how you were going to kill her." Xander nodded. "Why didn't you tell me that the higher beings hated you?"

"They made plans decades in advance," he said dryly, sitting up. He looked at his uncle. "They had plans that made no sense, had no good outcome, and they only care about keeping a balance. Hell yes they hate my ass for making sure humanity won." Phil stared at him. "They've tried a few other times. That near snatch attempt in London two months ago was one."

"I only heard about that after the fact. We need to set up anti-kidnaping things for you, Xander."

"No we don't. I get my own self out of things and I'm not owing your boss anything."

"I doubt he'd expect it." Xander snorted. "It's the smart thing to do. Others who are in control of major things have such plans in place."

"So do I. It's called I get myself free and move on with it. Half of them are ex's."

Phil sighed. "That's not really good enough. What if they knock you out?"

"Then the protections I wear will keep them from sucking out anything like the mermaid taint."

Phil sat down facing him. "There's ways to break those."

"Perhaps but I'm pretty sure I'll be awake by the time they get someone to break them."

"Not necessarily. You weren't in Libya." Xander glared. "It was dangerous and we could have helped you."

"I'm not aligning the Council with SHIELD. Ever. If I'm in trouble and you want to help me save myself, go for it. I'll accept help. I'm not going to link us and I'm not going to owe them a debt I can't repay."

"We could put someone in the armory for you so you have one less thing to worry about."

"Then I'd have to worry about who he was reporting to and what he was reporting. No thanks."

Phil nodded. "That's a big worry but your armory doesn't contain anything too huge. Why would we worry?"

Xander looked at him. "Nice try at taunting me to exposing things, Phil. Thankfully I've been around women who play mind games and teenage girls who are experts at it."

"I did not mean it that way."

"No, but you've probably heard about some of it. I know Stark was there and glanced in at least once."

"He didn't write a report. You guys may have some sort of doomsday device in case we need to shatter the hellmouth but we can still help."

Xander shook his head. "No. I'm not linking us to any agency. That brings strings that complicate and endanger our lives. Sorry."

"What happens if you die, Xander? Who's going to take over?"

"I have a will. I needed one because I have Anya's stuff."

"Her books, like ancient diaries? I know someone who'd like to read those."

"I'm sure they would. Giles arranged for them to go to a friend at the Natural History Museum in England on a loaner basis."

"That's a good thing." He stared at him. "You need more people. Let us help you find them."

"No. We may need more people but the ones who want to jump in usually don't have the right motives and the others are usually just a bad idea. We have people who'll follow us. One of the slayers is going to take over for me or I'll nominate Kate."

"Kate Bishop?" Xander nodded. "I wasn't aware you two were close."

"We are. She's like my younger, female self at times."

"That's something I'll have to watch for, her with a sword. Or your axe."

"My axe is too heavy for her but she's got a good hand with swords and other ancient weapons."

"I'll have to ask Hawkeye to test them to see." He stared at him. "The Council could fall apart any day now. Are the old liners really going to support whoever Giles puts in his place?"

"That would be me and we've already had a discussion." Phil gaped. Xander smirked a tiny bit. "And his cancer was a punishment curse by the Powers for upsetting their board. So thanks."

Phil slumped. "I didn't want to think about that." He stared at him. "I can still help you find others who are decent. Who want to help the girls because it's the right thing to do. Some with better training."

"None of the girls will trust anyone military unless one of us vouch for them, Phil. Not after they tried to raid the house and capture slayers. Not after the few in Africa were expedient and not protecting the people, including the baby slayers. Beyond that, military training is shitty for hunting. Ask Bucky."

"Yes it is," he called from his room. "Covert ops is a better training ground because of all the hunting."

Phil blinked at him. "Does Captain Rogers know you two are together?"

"We're not together. We're friends and I've been helping him heal. He's been helping me handle stuff. Really, if he doesn't want to end up an avenger, I'm all for making him a senior council person."

Bucky came out to stare at him. "No." He went back to his room. "I'd up training and make the girls suffer daily PT and training times."

"They have those at school. It's the special slayer gym class."

"I'd have them doing it at home too. They could use it. Especially with all the squealing about the upcoming battle in South America and the girls volunteering to go so they can wear bikinis."

"Tell them they need to tone it before then and sign my name. We don't want them to have to pout at the press again." He looked at Phil. "We actually sat down and figured things out after I told Giles he was sick. We're not stupid, Phil. We're just pretty easy going at this time about most things."

Phil nodded. "I can see that. If I have someone you could use, would you at least interview them? I have two agents who'd like to help the slayers. They've both talked to Hill, who has discouraged them, and they do want to help."

"I'll interview the next time I'm up there." Phil nodded, standing up. "Other problems?"

"What are you going to do about your blood problem?"

"Not a damn thing. We're working on protections so they can't do anything with it."

Phil nodded once. "There's a little patch."

"I know, and I'd probably be unconscious until they realized they can cut me and I'll bleed some but they can't use a needle while I'm unconscious."

Phil nodded once. "That's a good idea. I do worry, Xander."

Xander stared at him. "Did you worry when I had to stake Jesse?" he asked quietly. "Or when I was hunting? Or even when I ran into a few agents while I was stripping on my supposed road trip?"

"I worried about you but you'd never let me help you."

"That's because you and Buffy see me the same way, too normal to help."

"I..."

Xander held up a hand to stop him. "I heard plenty of 'let me get you *real* training' lectures, Phil. I learned on the job and I got one hell of a bit of training because of it. Beyond that, you've never seen my duty as just as much of one as you have. I do what I do for the same reason you do what you do, even though you hate us for it because demons make you feel wiggy."

"I was hoping the training would help you be safer, Xander."

"There's no such thing as safe in hunting. We're fighting against bigger, stronger, and/or faster things that think we're food or toys. At least your enemies consider you a worthy opponent at times."

Phil stared at him. "You could retire from field work."

"Then I'd have to do paperwork all day. I'm only twenty-six. The day'll come when I'm not fast enough or not good enough. Then I'll retire if I live."

"Do the girls need to see that happen?"

"They see it happen to their sister slayers," he said quietly. "They always have." Phil slumped but nodded. "Half of them consider me too normal to do anything too. I have to keep proving myself worthy."

"You could try Thor's hammer. It will allow the worthy to pick it up."

"Anything Asgardian won't let me near it thanks to a blessing Anya put on me before the prom so her specially charged necklace wouldn't infect me and kill me."

"Do I even know half of what you've done?"

"Probably not but that was mostly your choice, Phil." He shrugged and laid back down. "You didn't come back to visit. You didn't want to know when I could've used you as a mentor back when I first started to hunt. When I needed to know how to block hits and all that. You didn't want to know when agents ran into me stripping to fix the car. By the way, saw the notes you put in my file about watching me for bad examples to start."

"I thought you were turning into Tony, Xander."

"I wasn't drinking. Back then I didn't drink. I didn't have a single drink until I had one with Oz before he left for good." Phil grimaced but nodded. "You could have been a role model and you weren't. If I leave any kids behind you can try again."

"You have children?"

"No. I had one but they died." Phil slumped further, nodding. "You have your normal guy life and I don't begrudge you that. You're comfy in it. My life is hard for anyone to live in, even those of us who jump into it. I'm not expecting you to suddenly change and deal with all this. I don't expect anyone to."

"You could find a long term lover."

"I could and I've had a few I considered it with. And then a battle happened and scared one of them off and the other nearly died. She retired and left me her weapons so I could stop the next one. Which we did and the girls wrote her thank you letters for the weapons."

Phil nodded. "I'd like to be closer to you. Over the last year and a bit I've had a lot of heavy thoughts."

"We heard you kinda died."

"I did die. Fury brought me back." He stared at him. "I'd like to establish some sort of familial relationship."

"Then show up for beers, Phil."

"I can do that." He left, going down the driveway while calling a cab. He had a lot to think about with Xander and it wasn't pretty. There were many points he could've made a difference and didn't. He looked back up there then up the street when the cab pulled up. "Airport please." He handed over a larger bill and leaned back. At least Xander had Barnes helping and supporting him now. He wasn't alone and he wasn't a one-man fighting squad. Maybe he should design Xander's new uniform for battles the way he had Captain Rogers'. He could probably use the body armor.

Bucky came out to look at him. "I think he wanted to try to be a relative."

"He hates demons. It doesn't fit into his little cubbyholes of life," he said, staring at him. "He's never liked me actually. The first time he showed up was the only time. That showed me all I needed to know and having him in this life won't protect him. At least he's slightly protected by SHIELD."

Bucky nodded. "He probably is." He sat down. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. If he wants to suddenly be an uncle, he can come talk. He can show up to have a beer or a soda."

"Leaving it up to him means that he can freak out and come back when he's ready." Xander nodded. "At least you have a relative left."

"Kind of." He shrugged and shifted to get comfortable. "I don't like his version of the 'you're normal' speech either."

"I don't blame you. It's a sucky tune to dance to." He stood up. "You good?"

"I'm fine. Go to the bar like you planned." Bucky nodded, going to put on a better shirt and leave him to his moping. Bucky needed to get back into the swing of things and be around more people so he could adapt. If not, he'd go kidnap Sam Wilson again so they could talk some more. Xander got comfortable and surfed the web on his phone. The quiet was nice sometimes.

***

Steve walked into his room the night before the battle near New York and paused since someone was sitting on his bed drinking a beer. "I've turned into you," he said. "Before the serum you. Women think I'm only there for pity. No dames like me. Even if they don't see the arm they think I'm pathetic."

"I get that sometimes because I don't understand how things work in the modern clubs. It's not like the ones we went to."

Bucky nodded. "No, it's not. Though I dance okay still." Steve grinned. "The sprout?"

"With Darcy. That way she doesn't get to see the battle tomorrow."

"That's good." He finished the beer and tossed the bottle out. "How're you?"

"I'm okay I guess. How are you doing?"

"I'm doing better."

"More memories?" Bucky shook his head. "That's fine. They could come out sometime."

"Sam said I probably have some triggers I haven't found yet. I still have no idea why a certain type of demon slime prompted some." He looked at Steve. "Kate said you've been moping."

"I haven't. I've been worried about you. And Xander because then I'd have to explain how bad things happened to him to Suzette."

Bucky nodded. "They do try to keep it away from the minis." He leaned back on his elbows, staring at Steve. "Don't even consider this a flirt."

"Still having problems?"

"Some." Steve moved closer to sit against the headboard so Bucky could flip over and look at him. "I'm mostly okay. Not a whole lot to do for the last few days but baby Xander's bite."

"Does that mean he won't be at the battle?"

Bucky snorted. "He could be on crutches and be at the battle, Steve. He's a lot like you."

"I hear you two are a lot alike."

"Sometimes but he was the one the bullies picked on and he's the one that jumped in because one little girl shouldn't have to do it on her own." He stared at him. "Then they took a friend. Sounds like why you went AWOL back then." He smiled.

"It was, yeah. I guess I can understand that. I respect Xander."

"Do you like him?"

"I don't know him well enough to know. He pops up, talks to Suzette, gives information, and then leaves. He's nice enough, a swell guy, but I don't know him."

"I only know some."

"You've been with him over a year. He doesn't talk?"

"He does, just not real deeply. He doesn't share as they put it these days." Steve nodded he understood that saying. Bucky shifted. "How are you really doing?"

"I'm okay. Tiny bit frustrated with Stark and Banner today. They've been trying to prank each other all day today. The rest of us got hit with one." Bucky grinned. "I had to clean off non-toxic paintballs."

"I've used toxic ones. Xander has some that work against a tunneling demon species in Africa that gets annoying because they like to sink towns."

Steve shook his head. "Okay then." Bucky smirked a tiny bit. "Are you and Xander good together?"

"We're not *together*."

"You sound like it."

"Nah I... I don't... I feel like he's like you only when we were sixteen if that makes sense. We're friends. We can talk. I'm still trying to find him someone non-lethal to date. It'll cure the recent moping."

"Moping?"

"He's been doing this now for ten years, Steve."

"Ow." Bucky nodded. "That's a long time to be fighting a war."

"It is. Especially when you know you've got a huge target on your back." He shifted again.

"Have you talked to Sam recently?" Steve asked.

"Last week. I call about every Sunday right now." Steve nodded. "You?"

"He and I talk every Wednesday." He grinned. "He's good and he helps me with girl problems I don't understand and Natasha is afraid of."

"She didn't get a chance to be a little girl."

"Suzette's really smart. This last one was a fight with her teacher about why girls couldn't wear cornrows. The teacher told her it wasn't a traditional hairstyle so it wasn't allowed. She wrote Xander an email and he sent back pictures for her to show off. The teacher wasn't that impressed at her smartass moment of the week. Especially since she led the girls in the class to hair braid during recess so they all came in with cornrows started."

"The teacher called you in for that?"

"To talk about her smartass moments. The last one was concerned she was too bouncy but tried to get me to change her healthy diet."

Bucky shook his head. "Some people are like that. She okay otherwise?"

"Usually." He looked over at the shadow moving under the door, tracking her by sound. "Bathroom," he muttered. Then she ran in and pounced them, snuggling in between them. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"

She grinned. "I came to say hi to Uncle Bucky and to give him a hug. He needs a hug." She cuddled him. Bucky smirked at her. She grinned back. "No school tomorrow because there's a battle. So I get to stay with Auntie Darcy all day long and learn new girl stuff from her and we'll skype Auntie Peggy so we can chat too. Did you know her, Uncle Bucky?"

"A little bit. We worked together sometimes."

"That's sweet." She kissed him on the cheek. "Just like you are." She snuggled in against his metal shoulder and quickly fell asleep again.

"You have one hell of a girl, Stevie," he said quietly.

"We, Bucky. You're family to her too." He looked at her. "Want me to move her?" Bucky shook his head but you could tell he wasn't comfortable with the cuddling. Steve carefully lifted her and took her back to her bed to tuck her in again then he came back. Bucky was on his back staring at the ceiling. "Did JARVIS spook you?" He closed the door.

"Nah, Andrew's computer likes to flirt with me whenever he's making tea."

"Tea? You drink tea?"

He looked at his oldest friend. "Russians drink more tea than coffee."

"I did not know that." He sat down again, then shifted to lay facing him. "How are you really, Buck?"

"Decent. Not fully great but I'm getting there." Steve smiled. "You?"

"Just tired recently. Hill and Fury. Stark designing new things that explode. Extra training time."

"It's the Council's busy season."

"I bet. We heard spring was but I'm guessing there's a few each fall."

"Fall is more for magical problems. Spring is for move making or overthrowing ones." He shrugged. "Xander threatened to give me an official position."

"You do good with the girls."

"I'm not easy with them like he is. I'm harsher, and I expect more."

"Which means they'll be safer. Some girls need the harsher touch to find the reality."

Bucky nodded. "I've seen a few. They're Kennedy's slayers though. She was a princess too."

"I guess some girls do want the fairy tale."

"No, the rich girl princess sort."

"Oh, them. That explains why they don't like her or talk about her."

"She tried to have Xander killed for being a normal guy who was doing the same thing and being friends with her girlfriend Willow."

"Isn't that about what Willow did to him because you two were friends?"

"Yup. I still want to beat her ass. It's making Xander even more pitiful because any of his lovers could want to take that price out. It means he doesn't date."

"We heard about succuba."

"They're for eating taint and magic."

"Oh."

"Though a few are pretty enough when they're human looking. One's really good at dancing. We did that while one ate a bunch of the hellmouth taint off Xander a few months back."

"That sounds dangerous. Were you safe?"

"Yeah. They can't feed off me right now." He grimaced, giving him a look. Steve leaned closer. "Don't." Steve sat back again. "Thanks," he said more quietly.

"It's okay. A lot of people have no touching things these days."

Bucky nodded. "Especially women in bars. It was easier back then."

Steve shrugged. "I couldn't pick up a dame even if I'd had a car." Bucky grinned at him. "And now they don't like me for me. I don't think I could like anyone who wouldn't like who I was before."

"That would be nice but I'm not the guy I was before."

"There's still some of you in there under all that mess they did to you, Bucky," Steve said quietly. "When you were...that way some of you still showed through or I wouldn't have been able to jog your memory."

"Xander called me their attack dog."

"Kinda, yeah," he agreed, smiling at him. Bucky smirked back but shook his head. "If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."

"I know. Thanks, punk."

"Welcome, jerk." He punched him on the metal arm. "It's not shiny."

"I put some oil on it to take off the sheen. That way it's less noticeable sometimes." Steve stared at him. "I did it on sniper missions too."

"That makes sense. You don't want a twinkling to show where you are."

"Too true." Someone knocked and leaned in. "Hey, Barton."

"Natasha said that the battle may have been moved up. She was talking to Hill about last minute slayer changes."

"We'll be there," Steve said. "Has anyone told Xander?"

"I'd hope the girls would but I doubt it," Bucky admitted, taking out his phone to do that. He got back a time. "He thinks about one but I'm not sure of his source."

"Okay." Clint closed the door and went to tell the others that.

Bucky stood up. "I should hit the hotel. I'm helping keep the girls in line."

"You want the couch instead?" he offered with a grin.

"The girls sometimes listen to me," he said dryly, giving him a slight grin. "Sometimes." He left out the window and disappeared.

Steve got up to shut it and then take a shower and get ready for bed. It was good seeing Bucky getting closer to his old self.

***

During the battle, Steve got clawed, like everyone else was. Bucky shot the demon attacking him. The witches stepped up their game. The slayers got tagged out with a fresh team and Xander, who had been here since last night, was limping hard thanks to a few good clawings. He was still managing to swing the sword he held. He looked exhausted though. Stark flew back from his lab with something, using it to dissolve the demons. The slayers cheered and pounced him for a hug once they were all gone.

Bucky hurried down to Steve's side, helping him sit up. "Hey, you okay?"

"Nope," he said, wincing some. "Damn that hurt. Do they have a poison or anything?"

"No, just sharp and pointies," Buffy quipped. "We even think they cleaned their claws to make a good impression when they came to visit us today." She got led off because she had a few good claw marks on her arms. She slid onto the seat with a sigh. She looked at Faith. "I'm going back on vacation."

"Go for it, B. You could use one."

"I'm so damn tired," she said quietly.

Xander limped over, tipping her face up. "You're a slayer like all the others. If you want to go on no-patrol status, do it. Because you're still not allowed to die, even in a battle."

"I know, Xander."

"What's the first rule?"

"Slayers don't have permission to die. It's never a good day," Buffy said. Xander nodded. "Can you post me somewhere I can wear a bikini?"

"They all have huge problems right now. I can send you to Kuwait."

"Eww, no. Thanks." She smiled.

"Germany?"

"Sure, I can go have beers with the girls. Maybe this time I won't turn caveslayer." She got helped up by him. So did Faith. "Thanks, Xander."

"Welcome. It's what I do." She nodded, letting the paramedics lead her off. Faith patted Xander on the arm, but he held in the wince until they couldn't see it. He turned to find his favorite protege staring at him. "Hey. Cute outfit. It nicely replaces the purple jumpsuit and even is a bit comic book heroine with the flash of belly."

"Why did I hear recruitment rumors, Xander?"

He shrugged, sticking his hands in his pockets. They were shaking from a desperate need to eat. "You might've heard heir rumors. If I die, I'm leaving you all Anya's stuff so you can go embarrass someone else with her sex toys."

She punched him on the arm, making him wince. "Sorry." She checked the arm then looked at him. "I don't want it and you'd better not die."

"I live by the first rule, the same as you do." He looked around. Bucky was hovering over Steve. That was good to see. He looked at her. "Barton's injured, go handle him for Romanoff. She's too tired to nag him herself." She nodded, walking over to help Clint up. He had started out with his bow but had to join the fray to save a few of the girls being cut off from the rest. Xander looked at Bucky and walked off. He was good enough to stay. He didn't need him. Which was depressing but Xander hadn't expected him to stay forever.

***

Xander woke up a few mornings later with a wince, holding his injured side. He had done the stitches, they were clean, he didn't have an infection, but he ached like fuck in them this morning. It felt like something was trying to climb out of his body. He stood up and wobbled a bit but went to the bathroom to check them. No blood or any infection. So he had probably gotten energetic in his sleep. He covered the injuries and took a shower, coming out to find a sullen looking Bucky on the couch. "I thought you'd be staying up there."

"Shut up, Xander. I'm not abandoning you."

"Never said you were. A lifetime's friendship is going to pull you more than ours." He looked at him. "I don't mind if you go hang out with Steve."

"Shut up anyway." Xander sighed, heading for the fridge. "I made coffee."

"Thanks." He found his cup to drink some, leaning against the counter in there. Bucky stared at him until he walked out there. "I'm fine."

"You were barely moving by the end of the battle. No one seemed to realize that until the post-mission look at the action. Then Stark caught it."

"You act like that's really unusual." He took another drink and put the cup down. He felt the feeling of a vision coming and sighed. "Get my tape recorder please?" Bucky got up to get it, nearly stomping off. Xander winced as it started, reaching out blindly until Bucky put it into his hand. He described it and it was bad. Someone was going to attack Giles' funeral. That sucked since he wasn't allowed to die. Xander finally calmed himself afterward and dropped the tape recorder when his hand went numb.

"Want your special tea?" Bucky said quietly in his ear. Xander shook his head, sliding sideways. Bucky put him onto the couch so he could curl up. He tossed the tape recorder at Andrew on his way to get the vision kit from the kitchen. He had learned what was in it and how to use it when Xander had a massive vision on their trip in Africa that had left him blind for three days. Andrew rewound it and listened, grimacing. "He's crashing hard." He walked off, going back over there. He heard a thump and looked back, going back to get Steve to bring him. "He just had a vision."

"Those have to suck," he said quietly. "Can I help?"

"Put on some water to warm up later. He's got some special herb tea that can help." Steve nodded, going to pour water into the electric kettle. Bucky let Xander hide under a blanket then he looked at him. "What's up?"

"You snuck off. I was wondering if you were okay."

"Tracking the most stubborn prey ever." He pointed at the bundle of blanket. "No one noticed he was shaking and injured afterward." Xander punched him on the thigh. "Keep it up," he said with an evil smirk. "I will bring you back to the Council house and let the girls fuss." Xander moaned. "I thought so." He walked into the kitchen. "Kate said she hadn't gotten to check on him after he diverted her to take care of Barton's injuries. That usually means he's toughing out something serious that he doesn't want to let people know about because they'll think he's weak again and they'll try to marginalize him."

"He does a lot of stuff. Coulson said that they don't have a lot of people to do what he does."

"Bucky and Kate are my lieutenants until they leave or I die," Xander said. "Deal with it. It even comes with a paycheck."

"Didn't I say no?" Bucky asked the mass of blanket.

"You or Heins in the research portion."

"Hell no," he growled. "He was telling the girls how glorious the old ways were with the old slayers raised by them. That they were more gifted back then because they had focus on the duty."

Xander uncovered his head to stare at him, eyes bloodshot. "He's the highest of the old liners. The others aren't much better and the Powers sent back Spike to help us." He grinned at him. "You can not accept and stick Kate with it."

"She'll kill you."

"Yup." He covered his head again. "I'm fine, go angst at Steve somewhere else, Bucky."

"Shut up. You don't get to make that decision on your own because you don't take good care of yourself."

Xander snorted. "I'm doing just fine. All my stitches are clean and I did a great job on them." He muttered and disappeared.

"Fuck," Bucky said, checking the bedroom. "Andrew probably can't find him. He can't track him at all." He put out a call among the slayers, including that he just had a bad vision. They said he went to hide a few places that no one else could get into. One sent him pictures and one had a map to one of them. "When he said he'd start an evil empire, I didn't think he meant a mountain fortress," he complained. He looked at Steve. "See what I deal with?"

"Are you going to take the job?"

"For now. Until I can beat his ass in person." Steve smirked at him. "Someone's got to watch over the girls. Half of them have no sense. A few volunteered for a battle so they could be near the beach and have bikinis."

"For some reason I can hear all the guys on the squad yelling about that." He tipped his head and looked up then at him.

"I suggested we do a seance with them so they could go kick the Powers That Be around for us." They shared a look. "I'm apparently heading to Africa again."

"Want help?"

"You have to be there for the kid."

"I can do short missions."

"I doubt this'll be under a week. Getting there may be a week. Then up the mountain."

"Jump in?"

"I've never done that. Trained but never did any."

Steve smiled. "I'm really good at it. Natasha and my team did a number of drops."

"Sure, teach me how to parachute, Steve." They packed up some stuff and went back to the Council house to tell Andrew, who sighed but nodded. "You knew he had me on the payroll?"

"Since you decided to help him with stuff." He found something on his computer, showing him. "It's where your check automatically goes. Including reimbursements you've handed in."

"Xander paid for everything."

"He does the reimbursement paperwork so he knows he gets repaid." Bucky walked off shaking his head. "You might look in your armory chest, Bucky. I think he had something put in there for you."

Bucky looked at him. "My old armor's in my closet."

Andrew grinned. "Coulson hit again. He did Kate's new uniform too."

"She looked good, and a bit older than she is," Steve said. "I don't understand the bare stomach thing but the black was a lot more subtle than the purple jumpsuit." Andrew held up his current comic book. "You can't fight in that, Andrew."

"It's the ideal." He smiled. "Kate can pull it off and there's an invisible mesh body armor panel there."

Steve just nodded. "Wow. Coulson got fancier than he did with mine." He followed Bucky into the armory. "Why do you have a henhouse in here?"

"It's got thermal grenades. It's temperature controlled."

Steve looked at him. "What?"

"It's temperature controlled so the thermal grenades don't get too warm in here," Bucky said, looking up at him. "Xander did it. He calls them his little eggs."

"Oh. Okay." Sure, he wasn't going to comment on the weird Xander thing with weapons if Bucky didn't. Bucky got his trunk open and stared at the stuff inside. "Wow."

He pulled out the vest to look at. "Like my old one but lighter body armor. Nice." Pants. Trench coat if he wanted it for cold things. New holsters that had been in the latest magazine, knife and gun ones. New boots too. "Wow, I think this was my birthday present. 'Drew?"

He leaned in and smiled. "Bought with some of the HYDRA money and it's a 'yay you survived your first apocalypse battle' present. The girls all get their first official weapons after their first real battle. Before then they grab and go." He smiled. "I did the measurements from your old uniform."

"Thanks, 'Drew." He stood up. "Let me get dressed." Andrew winked at Steve and left.

"What did he get you for your last birthday?"

"Drunk because the thing that was a big ball of arms kept trying to grope me. It wanted sperm." Steve shuddered. "I was real appreciative of that present." He stripped down and got redressed, feeling the snug feeling of new pants. Light kevlar and leather. Very handy. Nicer than his old uniform. Lighter too. He sild into the vest and started to arm up. Pretty weapons all down his back and sides. Sword resting between smaller automatic assault weapons. Knife and pistol holsters on each side of his lower back so he could grab them easily. Double thigh holsters for a gun and knife on each side. Another knife holder down closer to his knees. A knife holster in each boot top. He actually needed another knife. He smiled at himself in the shiny front of another cabinet, putting on the sunglasses that had been his since his first day in Africa. "I'll thank him after I beat him later." He walked out, Steve following. Andrew held up something. "What's that?"

"The traveling expenses debit card." He looked him over. "If I didn't like my cooking partner and future warrior women, I'd be drooling, Bucky. You've reached Faith's level of *damn*."

Bucky smirked. "Thanks, Andrew. Let me go rescue the stubborn thing. Any idea where he might be besides the fortress in Africa?"

"I'd personally do a money search on him." He smiled. "One of his ex's left him the fortress."

"Crap." He walked off.

"We can do it at the tower, Bucky," Steve said. "I can ask Fury to get us to wherever he is."

Bucky nodded. "I can do that. Later, 'Drew. Watch our stuff."

"Of course I will. Have fun storming the castles, boys." He smiled and waved. He saved down a security footage capture for Kate and a few of his favorite girls. Kate didn't answer so she must be in class.

***

"We need to stop and ship the weapons," Steve said.

Bucky shook his head, smirking at him. "No I don't." He walked up to one of the TSA people. "I'm Council going on assignment." He pulled out the ID's Xander had gotten him.

"Let me get the forms, sir. Which airport?"

"New York first to help with an issue then I'll leave from there." The agent nodded, getting the forms and a large box. They put down all of his weapons, and Steve's when he realized who he was. It had to be something huge to have both Council and Avengers working on it. They carefully packed everything, even the first aid kit that had needles and the bottles of potions or poisons, no one was going to ask what they were. "Security office on that side?"

"Yes, sir." He wrote the plane and pertinent information, then looked at him once it was all signed off by both of them. "I'll escort it to the plane for you, sir." Bucky nodded and stepped into the machine. It whined. "We can hand wand you because of your prosthetic, sir." Bucky smiled and let Steve be x-rayed while he got hand-wanded. The curious beep near his crotch got a look but no one said anything about a piercing. Council people did insane things, a dick piercing probably made them feel more normal. No one had to know it was actually a hidden mini blade.

***

Kate tipped her head when Steve and Bucky came off the elevator. "Dayam." Bucky gave her a smug look. "Different from your off-duty look of dark jeans and a beaten up t-shirt with the leather jacket and boots. Body armor does a body good, Bucky. Huge issue?"

"An escaping Xander because I was fussing at his injuries."

"Oh, okay. I'd do a money search. He had an ex leave him some fort in the mountains or something."

"We're going to do that then go get him," Steve said.

"Want help?" Clint asked.

"We're going to do a drop into the area if we can," Steve said. "Is Natasha here?"

"Being nagged by Fury."

"Stark?"

"Where he usually is but Darcy's trying to get him to eat lunch."

They went down to the lab. Darcy stared, mouth open. "Wow. I didn't know asses were a lethal weapon before," she said, sounding weak. She fanned herself with her hand. "Sorry, I'm Darcy Lewis, scientist wrangler." She smiled and held out a hand.

"Bucky Barnes." She stared at him, mouth open. "Usually Steve gets that look."

"He's got a great ass but yours is holy in those pants."

He grinned. "Thanks, Darcy. Stark, we need to find Xander. He ran from me looking at his injuries."

"Any idea where in the world he is?" he asked, turning to his computer. "Lewis, did Pepper actually give you that picture?"

"Yup. She said you could have it if you cleaned the plate too. It was from a drunken girls night out apparently." He finished up and pried the plastic covered picture of Pepper in a Penthouse pose off the plate to tuck into his stuff. She walked off. "Guys, let me know if you need to take stuff with you from the kitchen. I've got to pry Jane off Thor's abs later for dinner." She left to have a few quiet moments in her room. Because, she'd happily sign demonic deals for her soul for a few days of being between those two.

Stark shook his head. "She's dateless again. Her last one was a horrible poet who was also an advertising guy without any sense or class. He ordered a wine that had a screw top at a four star restaurant and got them kicked out."

"Everyone's gotta have dreams," Bucky quipped. Stark shot him a smirk. He showed Stark what they knew from the slayers. They found him easily enough, he was sleeping beside the pool at one of them. Steve asked for a favor from Nick Fury and they were airborn a few hours later. Jumping into the site wasn't so hard. Steve was joking about not using a parachute at all for water landings. So now he had two he needed to knock some sense into. Though, it was a long, hard battle in Steve's case. They climbed the walls of the small house in the middle of nowhere. No one outside. No lights on inside. They snuck in and down to the auxiliary shelters. Xander knew to protect himself if he was alone. Yup, there he was.

Bucky knocked him out when he started to wake up. They checked, the house had nothing stocked. The two mile long underground tunnel to the nearest village had a golf cart but that probably wasn't going to work for them. Too far and too slow if they needed medical help for Xander's healing injuries. At least their super soldier formula helped heal them faster. Xander had to do it the slow way. There weren't any anti-magic protections either. Bucky checked the local areas for better hideouts. There was one not even thirty miles away. Steve was browsing the stuff left in the office. She had been a local supplier of food stuffs, prostitutes, and drugs to the former HYDRA science base. Bucky shook his head at that file. "He's had some real winning girlfriends." He picked Xander up. "Let's hit that base. It's got have medical stuff leftover."

"Sure, what if it's got people? We can't clear a whole base."

Bucky shrugged. "I need to talk to some of them anyway. You watch Xander." He walked off with Xander over his shoulder.

Steve watched him walk then shook his head. That was different but it was pretty nice that they weren't counting on him to do all the fighting.

***

Bucky walked into the lab area. "Honey, I'm home." He shot everyone in there in the stomach while ignoring the fact that Xander had seriously warped him somehow. He sneered at one. "You lived."

"Soldier! You escaped!"

"Yup, sure did." He smirked. "We're going to ask you a few questions while my buddy checks my other buddy into the medical unit for his injuries." He stared at them all. They were huddled against the equipment. He hauled up the one he remembered. "You have one chance. There's two boys who got shipped from a lab near the Black Sea to a special training academy. There had been three. Where are they?" He pointed the gun in his hand at him.

"It's a former Bolshevik military academy for privileged boys who want to make General status," he stuttered. "I don't know where it is."

"Is it in the system?" He shook his head. "I want everything to do with them. It seems they made me a son," he said with an evil smirk. The scientist whined and tried to shrink away from him. "Now." Another one moved to pull that up for him. "Good boy. I'll kill you quickly." He looked back to find Steve staring at him from the doorway. "Do you disagree with that plan?"

"Us capturing Zola meant that the US gave him a work permit to be a scientist. That's how HYDRA infiltrated SHIELD. Leave some for Hill to question." He walked off. "Xander's got an internal infection in one of his injuries."

"Great." He looked at the others again. The papers were put in front of him and that scientist ran back to his corner. "Now, where's my files?" They moaned and tried to help him.

***

Bucky came back from seriously injuring everyone so they were paralyzed to find Hill there demanding answers. "The last time I knew you couldn't demand to not be given something in someone's will, ma'am." She stared at him. "Xander has no control of what his ex's do unless he's with them at that time. So step off as Faith says."

"You're Barnes," she said. He nodded. "Are you here protecting them?"

"No, getting information. They're all nicely begging you to save them from being able to speak but nothing else." He smirked. "We've been looking for a few files they had hidden." He handed them to Steve. "It's an old private academy."

"Yours?"

"Not accessible from here. They told me where though. They were very helpful." Hill stomped off in the direction Bucky had come from. "Have fun with them. Xander's injury?"

"Better. The doc I left awake cleaned it up for him and I kept her from drawing any blood." He nodded at Fury when he stomped in. "An ex gave Xander a house near here. It didn't have a medical bay."

"When was he injured?"

"At the battle in Brooklyn," Steve said. "He let everyone else be treated and never said anything so no one noticed."

"He never goes to medical if he can help it," Bucky said. "He's real good at doing his own stitches." The doctor looked at him. "Learned as a kid." She made a whining noise. Bucky stared at her. "Why are you here?"

"They have my sister." She looked at him. "I recognize the arm. There's rumors about you."

Bucky nodded. "I got saved." He pointed at Xander.

"Then perhaps he can save me and my sister from all this." She looked at Fury.

"We'll see." He looked at Steve. "Now what?"

"Now we get Xander somewhere safer to recover."

Bucky spun when a demon walked out of the corner's shadow. "Chill, Barnes. I'm a messenger from D'Hoffryn. The PTB are fighting against a heavy handed wish from Willow. She was trying to atone and fix things so she wished him and Giles healed and permanently not injured."

"Fuck," Bucky said, staring at her.

"They're fighting him being immortal. Faster healing they might allow but not immortality."

"He wouldn't want that. What's going on with Giles?"

"The cancer's gone but it left damage. He's going in to surgery and may have to have a good chunk removed." Bucky nodded once. "They're going to handicap Xander somehow."

"He's already got one," Steve said.

"Don't remind them, they'll blind his other eye," she said. She stared at Barnes. "We need an idea."

"Have them give him serotype-S smallpox," he said. "It's an ancient strain." Her eyes went wide. "Damaging possibly. Treatments may not work." Her mouth fell open. "He can live through it."

She swallowed. "That's nearly evil, Barnes." She looked up then nodded. "D'Hoffryn has agreed since it would probably waste his limbs and make him too weak to fight. Which other demons would enjoy." She walked over and touched him, making Xander glow. She stared. "He's had.... oh." She looked at him. He smirked and pointed at the doctor. "The wish has been cast." She disappeared to hiss in her Lord and Master's ear. They had not known he had already had that strain. It would make him ill but not fatally or critically ill. Even if they changed the strain his body could fight it off better. Especially since Barnes was giving his blood to the hunter.

***

Xander woke up, holding his head. He blinked, looking at the room. Then at the silent man staring at him from the corner. "Hey."

"Hey." Bucky leaned forward. "Want the bad news or the good news?"

"Bad. Get the shock out of the way."

"Willow made a wish." Xander moaned and thumped his head on the bed. "The Powers That Be fought against it hard." Xander stared at him. "Very hard. She wanted you and Giles to be permanently healed."

"Fuck," he moaned. "Oh no."

"They fought against it enough that you've now got some faster healing, you had another bout of smallpox, and you're okay now probably." Xander went limp, staring at him. "The better news is that Giles is pissed off that he's got to wear a colostomy bag again but he's getting up and slowly working his way back to health." Xander smiled and nodded. "The really bad news is that some of the girls heard about Willow's wish and threw a fit, including Buffy."

"Of course. Am I unemployed?"

"Nope. I sent Steve to go talk to Buffy while you rested." He stood up to come over. "You'll be fine."

"Of course I will. Then you can go do Bucky things."

"I'm pretty sure you hired me to take some of your job, Xander. I'm not becoming an Avenger. If Steve falls maybe but not yet." Xander nodded. "We've put it on the bulletin board for the girls so they quit worrying about you being tainted."

"How much faster?"

"About a tenth of what a slayer gets."

Xander nodded. "That's cool." He yawned. "Any other bad news?"

"If you don't get better, Kate's doing your watching tomorrow." He smirked meanly. "She wanted a turn." He handed him a bottle of water to drink.

"Shoot me?"

"Nope. Then I'd have to take over all your jobs. Kids still creep me out."

"Did we find out anything more?"

"Very little. Still no firm location." Xander nodded. "We found out yours was taken from the transport by a demon. He only wanted yours to take out."

"Probably so he could have his own battle, or to get back at us," he sighed. "Others know?"

"Nope."

"Thank you."

"Welcome. Drink." Xander drank the water and slid back down. "Rest. You'll be here for a few more days." He walked off. "I'm making soup."

"No thanks."

"Spike finally came into the open," he said. "He said the Powers sent him back to take some of your job too."

"I can't really see him helping the minis," Xander said sarcastically. "Tormenting and terrorizing maybe but not helping."

"He works well with Kennedy's girls. They're all scared to death of him so they're making it to practice." Bucky came back with lunch for himself. "You sure you don't want soup?"

"I'm good." He looked around. "Where are we?"

"Steve's off-duty place."

"You put me in your boyfriend's bed?" Bucky choked, shaking his head. "He is."

"He's not."

"Bucky, he is." He stared at him. "That's one reason why I gave you room." Bucky glared at him. "Think about it. If you saw him in those tight pants you like to wear shirtless when you spend all day on the porch, and just that, what would you do?" Bucky let out a tiny moan because he could see that. Xander grinned and pointed. "I think you're eligible for succuba taunting again."

Bucky looked at himself then at Xander. "I... that's not who I am."

"You never know, maybe they put in 'fuck him' thoughts when they took out the others."

"Not cute," he warned.

Xander grinned. "I could've cited magic. What color are his jeans?"

"Faded," he sighed. "Just this side of too tight." He slumped and gulped his soup then tore into his sandwich. "Won't happen. Can't happen. He's not..."

"Because he didn't break huge military laws to come rescue you?" Bucky stared at him. "That rescue is pure romance novel. It's been used in a number of them to show a proof of love."

"I'm not some ditzy heroine."

"No, but it doesn't take a ditz to need saved."

Bucky shut off those thoughts. "Still won't happen. Steve's not like that. He's just merry."

"I'm so proud I got you into Mel Brooks movies." He grinned. "Think he's got an Everlast?"

"Damn I hope not. I hate keys," Bucky muttered. "Just stop it." He walked off and called Kate to spell him. He needed some air. He went up to the roof to think and be alone. Kate landed behind him. "He's in a dirty minded mood."

"He clue you in to the epic not-exactly-a-bromance of the ages?" she quipped with a grin. "Three of the guys in your unit's journals all state that they thought you two were moving that way. They said they'd be totally cool with it if it did happen. They're in the private part of the Smithsonian's collection but they had them out during gay pride week without saying who they were about. I noticed one's name." She smiled. "So yeah, apparently you were getting it hot and heavy from the tight ass of the ages."

"Darcy said mine's hotter," he growled back, glaring at her.

She grinned. "Depends on the pants." She looked at his current pair and nodded. "Tight but not showy." She went down to harass/coddle Xander. He was trying to sneak out so she got to use that new hip throw Clint had taught her to put him back onto the bed. "Nope. All mine now," she said with an evil grin.

"You're not bad girl enough for me, Kate."

"Thank God." She settled beside him on the bed to check his injuries.

"Aren't I contagious?"

"Last week."

"Hell." She smiled and kissed him on the temple. "Thanks."

"Welcome, big brother sort." She snuggled into his arm and told him about the truly stupid kids she went to school with. It was like they had no idea that reality was harsh. Even after watching battles on tv.

***

Bucky flinched awake on the couch when the door opened, hand going for a knife. "Oh, Steve." He relaxed again. "The kid okay?"

"She's in heaven. Darcy's teaching her how to make gnocchi today." He sat down across from Bucky, staring at him. "You growled earlier?"

"It's nothing."

"Uh-huh." He smiled. "Someone in the press trying to make it seem like you're dating someone bad? They speculated on me a few times."

"Everyone seems to think you two are boinking," Xander called. "I'd suggest a good dose of it would make you both relax again."

"Shut up, Xander," Bucky called. He looked at his best friend. "Kate said that some of the team's journals showed they thought we were too." Steve blushed, shaking his head. "I don't know why. We're friends."

"It's called a bromance these days from what Clint said." Steve shook his head and shrugged. "I didn't start any of that."

"You'd make an ugly girl," Bucky complained, making Steve grin back. "This is really awkward."

"Not like I'm going to jump you. I know a few of the slayers thought you and Xander were together."

"Nope. I like him, he's a good pillow when you're in a cave, but no."

Xander wobbled out and shrugged at them. "I only top with my guys." He went to the bathroom and snuck out a window. Bucky caught him and hauled him back to bed. "I was going to give you two privacy to talk."

"Keep it up, I'll tell the kid," Bucky warned. He pointed. Xander huffed but went back to the bedroom. He looked at Steve. "He's a worse patient than you are. At least you kept going 'I'm okay' to make me go to work." He looked in there. "If you make us chase you to another inherited place, I'll paddle you and hand you to a new boyfriend who'd enjoy you that way."

"Eww. I am *not* into spanking games. Too much like a fight."

"No emergency leave taking things either. Andrew has them all safely hidden for you."

Xander stared at him. "I doubt that since I doubt you cut the one on the inside of my thigh up near my crotch." Bucky glared. "It's come in handy. That's why I had it tattooed there."

"Steve, got handcuffs?"

"I don't do things like that in bed, Bucky." He got up, looking over Bucky's shoulder at Xander. "Just rest."

"I'm fine. I'm all better and I can escape now. That way he can do other things."

"Watch me stab you and drop you on Kate's doorstep," Bucky warned.

"Kate's dad has not a clue what she does," Xander said. "That'd create huge problems of the hiding teenage girl variety, and with Kate's luck she'd probably run into an enclave of vampires who'd *love* to have her."

Bucky groaned. "Point. Lay down anyway. If you're good tomorrow you can escape." He looked back but Xander was gone. "Damn it." He texted Andrew. "He's in Hawaii but Xander's disabled the portal so no one can get through it. Great." He looked at Steve. "You were easier."

"I was," he agreed with a grin. "We can talk. You can chase him later."

"Yeah, he's only in Hawaii." They settled in to talk to each other. They had some catching up to do.

***

Bucky walked up the porch stairs first in case there was a trap or something like a past Xander date waiting. "Is there some sort of 'don't remember me' spell if you're not here?"

"Probably," Xander said from his spot on the couch. "I'm fine. Really."

"Shut up, Xander." Xander glared. Bucky grinned. "No dates?"

"I don't bring dates here and the last one was very nice. He even helped me clean all my wounds before the blowjob and didn't poke me on them. Then the hotel thought I was a rent boy and tried to have me removed but oh well." He closed his eyes. "I'm good. Go play like the good boy you pretend to be. Or like bad boys since this is Hawaii and there's beaches with girls in bikinis."

Steve walked in when Bucky waved. "It's a nice place, Xander."

Xander blinked at him. "Just because he put me in your bed doesn't mean you two get to come cuddle in mine. And his is only a queen."

Steve shook his head. "Not in a cuddling mood. Tying you up and taking you back to the tower, yes. Cuddling no."

"I don't belong in the tower and I called Suzette earlier."

"She's the one who told me to tie you up and bring you home," Steve said with a smile. "She's very concerned that you're not happy and wants to make you feel happier."

"Willow watched all those cartoons she likes in the first run and that was in the late eighties so they were even more prozac on tv. Her mother started a write-in campaign to get a Jewish My Little Pony." Steve shook his head with a sigh. "I've watched a lot of the animes Andrew pointed her toward too. Usually with Andrew and them."

Bucky stared at him. "How did you stand that?"

"Friends do things for each other. They wanted to watch it and I wasn't against staying out of the house for longer. Even Cordy used to watch with us at the after school 'play at the school' program. At least until she got popular. She used to be a huge fan of Strawberry Shortcake's friend Orange Blossom." He grinned. "She used to have this My Little Pony t-shirt that had a princess pony, Princess Starburst. She got so mad when she started to outgrow that and her mother refused to get her a new one. I haven't thought about that in years."

Out of nowhere, a bowling ball covered in pink glitter shot itself at Xander's stomach, making him moan as he barely caught it. "You're so going to get it," a female voice called.

"We taught Steve's daughter about My Little Pony in your honor, Cordy. We miss you."

She appeared as a ghost, staring at him. "Uh-huh. Cute sucking up."

"I do." He put the bowling ball down, sitting up holding his stomach. "I miss you a whole lot. You have common sense. Some days it's like I'm surrounded by your Cordettes."

She smiled. "You are. It's payback."

"I'm so sorry. You know I'm sorry," he said quietly, staring at her.

"Not for that. The bowling ball was for that." She looked at her nails then at him. "Why are you injured?"

"Huge battle in Brooklyn?"

"You weren't supposed to be there."

"I was there watching the portal to see when everyone needed to show up. FILO, just like most huge battles."

She sighed. "They *hate* you. Especially when you get there first."

"I know, and I know why too. Just think, right now I'm second-in-command." He grinned. "If they kill off Giles, *all* the girls will be like me."

She looked up then at him. "They won't let that happen. You'll die first."

"So?" He shrugged. "If and when it happens it does. Maybe I'll do the haunting teacher thing. Become the Binns of the Council."

She snickered, nodding. "I can see you doing that, Xander." She stared at him. "Fine, I miss you too and you can get his daughter into Sailor Moon. She'd make an excellent Jupiter." She wiggled her fingers at Bucky. "He's still defying them because they wanted you to take him in hand, and dick, and mouth. That way he was happily ignoring them while warping the slayers."

"I just barely managed to get hard for the first time the other day."

"Yeah, they didn't care." He huffed. "Sorry." She smirked at Xander. "One of these days, one of your lovers will kill you."

"Sure. Are they that good in bed?"

"Probably not. You managed to survive Anya." She shook her head but looked at him. "Speaking of, Andrew called her back to 'correct' Willow."

"I'll go visit Anya."

"Are you going to forgive Willow?"

"No."

"Good!" She smiled. "Finally! It's like an abused spouse that finally walks away! Good job!" She patted Bucky on the arm. "You did good. They'd like to reward you with Xander."

"Everyone thinks he's having wild monkey sex with Steve," Xander said dryly.

"The Powers think that's a great thing too, Xander. Might make you less edgy, mopey, or bouncy."

"They're still not into me. Sorry."

"Damn. They're going to lose a major bet and then that'll mean they'll have to throw another apocalypse battle like the one in LA, which you won't survive. Or them probably."

Xander stared at her for a minute. "I can come up there if you want."

"No!" she said quickly, shaking her head. "Never say that! Really!" She stared at him. "Why does no one know you inherited from Anya?"

"Because I'm not desperate for attention? The ones who need to know do know."

She grimaced up then looked at him. "They heard you." Xander shrugged. "They're going to take out three of your ex's but inconvenience you."

"Fidgy, Derris, and Mary Elice."

She blinked. "Why?"

"Fidgy's switching to biobombs and I'll be damned if she wants to use mine. Derris is sick. He's looking at different methods because he doesn't like pain. It'll spare him and means his ex-wife will get his insurance. Mary Elice has decided to be snotty to me because I'm not *her* kind. She only slept with me because she wanted to be glamorously dangerous and I'm not helping with that. She found out what I got from Anya and wanted it. Beyond that, she's ill with something and so's her unborn little heathen that's got no brain stem."

She looked up. "They wanted Howard."

"I doubt they'd manage that since Howard's immortal."

"Point. An asshole, but immortal."

"And then some," Xander quipped. "Which is why I don't go see Howard any longer."

"Probably a good idea with the way he's looking to destroy humanity."

"Yeah, I introduced him to Kennedy." He smiled. She let out a deep, rich moan that made the two soldiers stand at attention in a certain manner. "He is her type."

"Oh, so evil, Xander," she moaned. "Thank you. Want the prototypes?"

"Sure. I'll give the ones we don't need to Stark or someone."

She nodded. "Sure but that means the ex-wife will become an issue."

"I doubt it since she likes my neck to suck on."

"She's a vamp?"

"She's a half succuba."

"Huh." She shook her head, staring at him. "When you get over here, we'll have more fun."

Xander smiled. "Yes, I will." She cackled as she disappeared. "That was Cordelia," he said, smiling at Bucky.

"She was one hell of a woman," he said. He looked at Xander. "You okay?" Xander nodded. "I meant your stomach."

"Yeah, I'm okay."

"The one with the baby?" Steve asked.

"They've been poisoned somehow. We're not sure how." He looked her up on Bucky's phone since his was dead. "That's her."

He read it over. "I didn't know that they had political parties that featured human sacrifices."

"Yeah. She's more extreme than any Nazi but her platform for purity is competence and no disabilities. We met when I was in Oxnard and I proved her wrong about what a guy with one eye could do a few years back. She's had plans for years to bomb a NASCAR event to get everyone there because she doesn't like the lifestyle some of them hold up."

Bucky shook his head with a sigh. "Does she have white-blonde hair and keeps it pulled back in a bun? Uptight business suits in olive drab?"

"Yeah, that's her. She'd hate that her own child wouldn't fit into her world view and some of the hardline racists have decided she's got to go because she found some people of other races to be more skilled than theirs."

Steve nodded. "We could arrest them for that."

"You can't prove who did it. Scotland Yard can't prove who did it. They've tried. She's another that's been thinking of death before dishonor. I know she was wondering how hard it'd be to take some of the racists with her."

Bucky stared at him. "Can you write down all your past dates so I can go find them all and shoot them?"

"Then who'll I sleep with?"

"I don't care. Just...not them."

"You liked a few of them."

"Point," he sighed, looking at Steve, who was shaking his head. "A few were almost decent beings, just had bad jobs."

"I'm so glad I don't have to have this talk with Suzette."

Xander laughed. "You sure? Slayers tend to date people who understand the duty."

"I'll have Sam fix her up with a few soldiers," he shot back with a smile. "Nice try diverting things. Bucky, he's got to be bleeding. I smell blood."

"Crap." He pounced Xander, holding him down while he looked at his stomach. "Yup, those stitches ripped. Slight bit of bleeding." He looked at Xander, who was giving him a dirty look. "Not like you'd let me check."

"I might if you asked."

"Can I check the ones on your back?"

"No. Because you're mean to me." Bucky got up and flipped him over even though Xander struggled. "See, very mean."

"Shut up, Xander." He looked at those. "Mostly clean but one's in a hard place to reach." Steve went to look for the first aid kit for him. He leaned down next to Xander's ear. "Be a good boy and I won't have to torture you this way."

Xander looked back at him. "If you think this is torturing me, you're worse at it than Suzette is." Bucky gave his hair a yank. "I get worse than this on dates." He grinned. "Are you flirting?" Another hair yank.

Steve brought back the first aid bag. "He used to flirt a lot and got a lot of dames to dance with him. He could get nearly any dame he wanted."

"That one was uptight and she probably became a nun." He opened the kit. "Get the one in his bathroom?"

"That is. I need to restock it," Xander said.

"Get the one in my bathroom?" Steve went to get it for him. He cleaned all the injuries and ducked when a new bowling ball appeared, this time with gold glitter. He looked up. "It doesn't match my arm and if you bean us with one of those, *I'm* coming up there." Suddenly both bowling balls disappeared. Not the glitter though. He went back to cleaning the injury. "Better." He let Xander get up to stitch his own side back together. He had better dexterity for that.

Outside something exploded.

"If you hit my truck with the bowling ball, you'll need unemployment checks," he called. No answer. They went to look, Steve getting the kitchen fire extinguisher. Xander stared at the car then at Bucky, who shrugged. "Sure," he decided. "We can work with that." He saw the tank and smiled. "Aww, baby. Did you come to visit me?" He skipped down to hug the tank. "Such a good tank. A very good tank, baby." It shifted to protect him. "You're a good tank but that one won't hurt me." A gunshot. Xander looked back. "Oh, a former date. Hi, Bras."

"Xander," he groaned. "My tank hates my agenda."

"We told you it'd only attack other tanks." A police officer showed up. "Hi." He grinned. "I'm Council."

"Is that why you're hugging the tank, sir?"

"My off-duty company makes anti-magic and magical artifacts. We worked to make this tank self-piloted for him." He pointed at his ex. "We warned him it looked like it'd only fire on other tanks." The tank growled at his owner. "Poor thing. Did he kick you or something?" He petted it.

The officer sighed. "I don't want to deal with this. Really."

Xander grinned. "I think his tank is mad at him." The turret swung around and focused on Steve. "He won't hurt you. He wants to see how pretty you are." A muscle car pulled up and two guys got out. "Hey, guys. My company was hired to make this one self reliant."

"I can see it's watching us," Danny said dryly. He walked over. "What's it doing?"

"It hates me," the guy on the ground said. "It'll fire on other tanks, which I don't mind, but then it decided I was mean or something and somehow got here. I came to get it back to Ghana."

Xander shrugged. "It's a very liberal tank I think."

Steve McGarret walked over, patting the side of the tank. "Easy. We won't hurt you. We're just trying to figure things out before you or anyone else gets hurt." He nodded at Bucky and Steve, staring at him. "You're...."

"Here to check on Xander because he's injured."

Danny smacked McGarret on the arm. "I knew you two were scarily alike!"

Xander hugged him. "I like you too. You're probably the nicest guy I've ever teased."

"Quite probably," Danny agreed, getting pulled away by his partner. He grinned at him. "Xander is a huge tease when he's club hunting."

"I finally figured out how to dance," he agreed. He grinned at Steve. "Come pet him. He's nice that way."

Steve patted the front of the tank. "Can I climb up to look inside you? I wanted to know how they did this." The tank opened the hatch for him so he got to climb in and look. He climbed back out. "You're in excellent shape, dear." The tank shifted to nuzzle him with the turret. Steve hopped down, looking at Xander.

"Trade secret."

Steve looked at the guy on the ground. "What were you doing before he went rogue?"

"I was considering retiring a few tanks." That nearly got him run over and Xander had to move Steve out of the way quickly. McGarret knew to get himself out of the way. "Hey!"

"Did you find a girlfriend?" The tank made a belching sound. "Awww! That's so sweet!" He petted it again. It calmed back down.

"Fine, he can have all the old tanks we found," the guy on the ground complained. "Can you get us back there?"

Xander looked at him. "Since when do I do magic?"

"Point," he complained.

"The tank is going to go to our office," Danny said. "When you can show how you're getting it home, with all the paperwork and all that, then you can have it back. That good enough?" he asked the tank. "You can sit in the sun and be admired?" It made another, happier, belching noise. He frowned. "Are you backed up?"

"Gas line has a bubble," both Steves said.

Bucky just watched it and stayed out of it. This was part of Xander's insanity and he didn't want drawn in. When they made arrangements for the tank to follow them back to their office, Bucky grabbed Xander by the arm. "Steve, go put the pictures back in the frames. The one on top should look mostly like how we are now. It's sympathetic magic or something. I know when I had a bandage on my head I needed a new picture." Steve nodded, going to look at that. He walked Xander off, taking him back up there to deal with his funny mental issues. Before poor Steve got warped. And the higher ups wanted Xander to be their creamy filling? Bucky felt his body react to that image and looked down then up. He shook his head. "Still like dames, thanks."

Steve was shaking his head. "I do not need to know."

"Flirt with Darcy," Xander said. "She's nice."

"She's real nice," Steve agreed. "Especially to Suzette." He pulled out his phone to call her while he was thinking about it.

Bucky looked at Xander. "You worried Steve. It's not nice to worry Captain America. He gets this frown that makes some people run for cover."

"I've seen worse on mermaids." He snapped. "We have to tell Steve. They're migrating this way."

"Find one and I'll show him tomorrow."

"Okay." He found his phone on the charging cord, looking at the site that tracked those things. "They're here." He let him see it. "That's another island I think."

"It is." He left, going to get McGarret away from the tank. He nodded and Danny walked over smiling. "Xander said he forgot to warn you guys about cannibal sea creatures."

"We have cannibal sea creatures? Why?" Danny asked.

"They're playing locally. I can show him. They're weirder than I like to think about. Really gross too." Steve looked over. "Tomorrow?"

"Sure. We can do that." Bucky nodded and picked up dinner on the way back. Steve looked at Danny. "I didn't know we had them and I'm a surfer."

"That's a real good reason why I don't need to get into the ocean." He walked off.

***

The next morning, just after dawn, Steve McGarret was sipping coffee next to Bucky, who spotted the mermaids coming up to eat. Steve choked on his coffee when he was handed the binoculars. "What are those?" he demanded.

"Mermaids. Xander got exposed to one. They eat people." He looked at him. "His swim coach wanted to win."

"That's...disgusting." He watched them feed on a shark they had killed. He called the local hotline for surfers to warn them while he watched them. "Why is it...." He hung up and called the emergency number. He gave his name and badge number. "Close the beach I'm sitting on. There's creatures... yes, them. They're going for tourists." A few minutes after he hung up, the lifeguards were calling out 'shark' and closing the beach. Only one mermaid made it to the sand to chase down a cute coed in a bikini. "Huh, they have human anatomy."

Bucky looked at him. "I don't need to know. They wouldn't like me anyway."

Steve gulped some coffee. "I think I made myself sick and that's a horrible thing." They got up and went back to their island, him dropping Bucky off on the way to the office. He let them pull up satellite images of the area so they could see. Everyone stared, grimacing at the slimy things. "Mermaids," he said. "Harris found out."

Kono nodded. "I may never touch my board again." She shuddered. "Why is it going after the...oh, they're compatible."

"They eat humans," Danny said.

"Even better," Chin said, turning it off and going to get something to take his mind off that very bad mental image. Even some of the grosser anime wasn't that bad.

TBC....
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