Portents of Absurd Doom. by Voracity2
Summary: Someone has a bad plot. They want a future Xander. So they make sure Xander can carry it. A little mini him to warp the future. Was partially posted on the list's archive but I wasn't happy and more finally came. Now with more baby Xander all grown up!
Categories: Buffy Stories & Crossovers Characters: None
Series: Childhood Series
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 23318 Read: 15807 Published: 04/19/2022 Updated: 04/19/2022

1. part 1 by Voracity2

2. Part 2 by Voracity2

part 1 by Voracity2
Portents of Absurd Doom




Xander Harris looked around the room he woke up in. He realized it was a hospital room. It was really white, really bright, and stunk like antiseptic and sick people. He looked at himself. He hadn't been in a battle that he remembered. He only had two bandages and an IV. One bandage around his ankle looked like it might be covering a cut from getting out of restraints. The one around his stomach was thicker, wider, and he had no idea how it had happened. So he pushed the button for the nurse.

"Yes," the speaker said.

"Would you like to tell me why you've kidnaped me?" he asked. "Or how I got here otherwise?"

"Be right there, Mr. Harris." She hung up. A few minutes later a youngish woman and a guy not in a doctor's coat walked in. "Mr. Harris, this is Agent Rigers."

Xander blinked at him. "Okay. Why am I in a hospital in the UK instead of on my usual patrol cycle, which the last I knew was in upper Africa?" He stared at the agent. Who winced. "Might as well tell me now before I call and ask Willow."

"They don't know anything, Mr. Harris. We rescued you from a lab." He took a step back at the growl. "Um...."

"Blood hunters or other lab?" Xander asked coolly.

"Blood hunters?" the nurse demanded. "Why would they...." The agent held up a hand. "Do you know about that?"

"No."

"No, I kept that hidden because it'd be a bad thing in my life," Xander quipped. He looked at the agent again. "What sort of lab was it?"

"I've seen your file and it said you're a comic book fan." Xander nodded slowly. "These people would be analogous to AIM."

"So crackheads with weird ideas and weapons?"

"Yup," the agent said with a nod. "And wanting to breed warriors." Xander snorted. "Well...." He took another step back. "We found you in the lab right after they had implanted a uterus. And we think an embryo."

Xander looked at the nurse. "Did you give him psych drugs?"

"No. We cleaned up the mess they made."

"Did you take it out?"

"We're not allowed, sir." She winced. "Orders have come down from on high that we are not allowed to remove it."

The agent shook his head. "The US president said that we're not allowed to handle that problem at all."

"So he's involved or there's a demon he's sucking the cock of. Which?" Xander asked.

"We think the second," the agent said with a grin. "We're pretty sure actually. No one's told your people anything."

Xander nodded once. "WILLOW!" he bellowed. A witch appeared. "Well, not the witch I wanted," he said dryly.

"Problems, Xander?" she asked, smiling at him.

"If that's the file, go ahead and give it to her. I'll probably need some support while I'm pregnant." The witch gave him an odd look but took the file to look over then broke out swearing in Latin. Xander stared at her. "I've only just been told the President of the US won't let them remove the uterus they implanted."

"We know he's indebted," the witch said patiently, trying to sound not angry. "I...."

"Not like I asked," Xander noted. He sat up to stare at her, holding his stomach because that hurt. "Which is why I called for Willow so we can formulate a plan."

"The Goddess might have blessed this one."

"Then she can have some girl give birth. Because I sure don't want to be one." The witch winced. "So, how do we handle this? Because if the Powers blessed this then I'm probably having something that'll attack the slayers with the way they hate me."

She nodded. "Quite possibly," she admitted. "Um... Is he being released today?" she asked the duo.

"No," the nurse said. "Not unless we get attacked by something wanting him."

Xander stared at her. "While there's a few," he said dryly then grinned at her. "Most of them would be dates who'd want pity screwing."

"We've stopped one of those by telling her you've had abdominal surgery by that group so you're not able to sit yet. Do lay down."

Xander stared at him. "What's the worst that can happen if I don't?"

"You bleed to death," the nurse said. Xander sighed but laid back down. She came to check his stomach incision. He pointed at his ankle and looked at her. "You were fighting hard to get out of the cuffs when they found you. The others healed already."

"Ah."

"That one's deeper and you tore a few muscles," she said. He nodded once, looking at the witch. She came over to wave a hand over his stomach while muttering a spell, then stepped back wiping her hand off. The nurse looked at her. "Was that a pregnancy check?"

"Yes, and he's carrying a young male fetus that's infected with hellmouth taint."

"So I'm giving birth to my evil clone?" Xander asked dryly.

"It appears so." The witch wiped her hand off again. "Let me tell Willow so she can throw a fit that won't destroy this hospital." She texted someone and disappeared.

Xander looked at the agent. "Did you guys rescue me?"

"Yes." He grinned.

"My girls?"

"Tomlison is down there."

"He's an ass to the girls."

"You can have someone else moved down there. We do have to caution you to be a bit calm."

Xander snorted. "The second you guys leave I'm swearing. A lot."

"That's what we'd expect," the nurse agreed. She nearly fled the room.

The agent looked at him, shrugging some. "We have no idea. If Rosenburg should show up, do try to contain her fit?"

"She'll throw a fit at me for having this done to me," Xander said. "Though she should go find them."

"We're fairly certain we got them all."

"I'll go ask a poker debt later." The agent nodded, fleeing from him.

Xander looked up then sighed. "Willow?" he called again. "Can you do a language spell so I'm swearing in something other than english?" No answer so he decided to throw a raging fit. That brought Willow, who stared at him oddly. He stared at her. "One of the coven has the file from the people who decided I needed to be pregnant."

"There's no way," she said with a smile. "Did the hospital give you funny drugs after surgery?"

"Do a check." She did and stepped back, eyes wide. "Yeah. Some agent rescued me from a lab. They wanted to be like AIM. Which were Jonathan's comic idols."

She let out a nervous chuckle. "Um...."

He sat up again, holding his stomach. "The witch that came when I tried to get you last time so you could look over all the science said I'm carrying my clone."

"Lay down please, Mr. Harris. Don't make me sedate you," the intercom said.

Xander leaned over to look out the door. No nurse's desk that way. "You try that and I'm escaping." He looked at her again. "So...." He grinned. "It appears I need some protection strategies. Before I go sob on some of my former lovers or the poker buddies." The nurse came in with a needle but Willow floated her back out. Xander grinned at her. "You and the blonde thang can be aunts."

She nodded slowly. "Yeah. I can do that." She cast another spell over him. "Oh, shit," she muttered. "I think you are carrying your own clone."

"Great! I can have a protege of destruction." He beamed at her. She shuddered. Then disappeared. He grinned at the mirror across from him then decided to get up and get his things so he could leave. He found his phone and called while sitting down to step into his sneakers. "Hey, Beth. It's me. I'm in London or somewhere in the UK just escaping from a hospital. Can you put on your mom?" His slayer put her mother on the phone.

"It's me. Kick Tomlison into a pond, he can't swim. And it'll be a bit before I get back. Up to about ten months. No, some agents found me in a lab and they did something so I'm carrying my own evil clone. Not an explosive tumor like on that show, no. I'm actually pregnant. Willow's about to throw a fit so I'm going to hide. Um, I'll be there as soon as I can. Can you have her get my stuff and my truck and I'll pick it up as soon as I can? Thanks."

He hung up and called another one. "Will you protect me for a few days?" he asked. "No, I'm about to escape from a hospital that's holding me hostage for being pregnant. Yup, that's what I said. Thanks." He hung up and walked out, letting the nurse cut off the bracelet when he held out his hand and stared at her. She handed over two prescriptions. He looked then at her. "Safe or not?"

"Safe. We were ordered to make sure that child came to be."

Xander just nodded. "I'm going to go find a boyfriend and then I'll deal with the demon above that idiot. Thanks!" He walked off. He got about a block from the hospital before a car spun up in front of him. It wasn't someone he knew so he scratched a spot on his arm. He got it open when people got out with guns and came toward him, pulling out the bigger weapon he had hidden so it could grow. They stared at it then started to back away slowly. Xander fired on them and they all went down to the sonic tornado that the weapon produced.

Xander took their keys and got in the car, heading off to find that boyfriend. At least he could figure out where he was because the car was a rental and had a map machine. That boyfriend was about an hour away but that's not that far. He parked and got out, slamming the door. "The idiots that tried to get me at the hospital were driving it," he told the staring guard. "It's a rental of some kind."

"We can turn it in," the guard said. "He's pacing in his office, Xander."

Xander stopped to grin at him. "Do we know anything about the lab that had me?"

"Very little but they're all gone. Did they do something?"

"Yeah. I'm pregnant. Possibly with my own clone."

The guard swallowed then nodded. "Um... Yeah."

"Yeah." Xander grinned with a nod. "If they exist, I get them first."

"Agreed!" He walked him inside, knocking on the door. "Sir!" He let Xander in then went back to his post to get rid of that car and not think about how bad that guy being pregnant would be.

Xander looked at his lover, kicking the door shut. He took off his t-shirt then the bandage. "They inserted stuff."

"Oh, crap," he said, coming over to look at it. "I can get my doctor in, Xander. What did they insert?"

"Apparently a clone and a uterus." He stared at him. "And the US president has declared I must have this kid. Apparently his demon overlord is anxious for my next generation to kill it."

"Um...."

"That seems to be the usual statement," Xander said dryly, sitting down with a wince then laying down on the couch. "Sorry, sore."

"No, I'd be sore too. Let me get my doctor in." He made that call and came over to check him over. The bandage around his ankle got changed. He had a few stitches there. The stomach stitches looked nasty to his semi-trained eye. His doctor got there fairly quickly and came in to look over Xander's stomach. He went on a swearing rant for Xander too.

***

That night, thanks to that boyfriend's help, Xander was in a field summoning that demon. When one showed up, he threw a bomb at it, making it scream as it burned. A few more appeared and he went off on them. A few more appeared and he went after them with his borrowed weapons.

Two slayers and a watcher appeared, rushing over. "Xander, let us!" one yelled. "You're delicate!"

"They're the ones that wanted me to be pregnant! They can die for it!" He took another swing. The girls paused to give him a horrified look but took on the demons for him.

The watcher pulled Xander over to look at him. "What's happened now?" Xander told him. "Oh my word," he muttered, then crossed himself. He wasn't Catholic but sometimes you had to just cross yourself. "What are we doing?"

"The ones that the president of the US is sucking off made him declare that the child must be born."

"Oh."

"And it appears it's my clone."

"Oh, shit."

"Yup. So I *really* need to kill those demons. A lot. Though, the one I summoned isn't here yet. He sent a few minions."

"I am not a minion!" a female demon called. Then she screamed as her head came off.

"Yes you are!" one of the slayers complained.

Finally the higher demon showed up. "This means you're impotent for a month," the demon sneered.

Xander kicked open something and fired it at him, making the demon scream in pain. Xander strolled over to go back to whacking away at it. "No, I'm not. Even if I'm too big to swing a sword, I have artillery. It compensates for not being able to kick ass physically." He finally killed that one then spit on it. "Let's see your human minions doing things now. So much easier to defeat the plans." He huffed, looking at the watcher then at the slayers.

"FYI, ladies. There was a comic book loving group who decided they wanted to breed an army of me. They started by making me carry my own clone. I'm about a month along." They all stared at him. He lifted a corner of his t-shirt to show off the bandage. "So yeah, I'm going to be in a *charming* mood for a bit."

"Maybe some of the bad demons will flee your temper," one quipped with a grin. "Do the higher ups know?"

"I told Willow. A witch from the coven found out when I tried to tell Willow the first time." He grimaced. "She's the one that let me know I'm carrying my own clone." One patted him on the arm. "Thanks. Even my boyfriend wouldn't cuddle. But he did let me have some weapons so I could blow the fuck out of these demons because they liked this idea." He looked at the mess then at them, shrugging some.

"I really do need to get back to my girls in Africa. Someone sent Tomlison." He rolled his eyes. "I told Beth's mom to drown him." The watcher let out a snort of amusement but nodded, typing notes back. "If that's to Giles, let me know where he wants me to work so someone can do protections on my truck." He looked at the slayers again, who all shrugged. "Yeah, it's going to be that sort of year."

"You'll miss the next apocalypse battle," one offered. "You'd be about to pop during the spring."

"That might be the next apocalypse battle," Xander pointed out. "The PTB hate me." The girls all groaned but nodded they knew that. "If so, I'm going to introduce my clone to the concept of evil but only to other evil ones. Maybe he'll turn into Doctor Doom. I'd do great running a country. And I'd be a nicer despot than he was in the comics."

"You...need some rest," one of the slayers said quietly and calmly. "C'mon. Let the boyfriend have his weapons back and we'll go back to the main center so Giles can swear at Janus. And we can all freak out then decide how we'll be aunties."

"Giles said it's not safe to have him there," the watcher said.

Xander looked over. "My name's on the building since I found it and bought it for him." He grinned. The watcher groaned. "Let me go hand the weapons over." One of the bodyguards came jogging over to get the remains of the weapons he had borrowed. The watcher got them all back to an airport and back to Cleveland.

Xander walked in and right into an ambush by Giles. "I don't think it's a good idea for the girls to get attached to a possibly evil being," he told Xander.

"Since it's a clone of me, I didn't think I was that evil." Giles flinched back, looking horrified. He looked at Willow. "Was it a true clone?"

"Yeah, it is. You're having yourself."

Xander looked at Giles. "Am I suddenly that evil?"

"No. Not usually," Willow quipped.

"I have the right to have a temper," he said firmly.

"Yes you do," the slayers that had traveled back with him agreed, nodding to show they agreed. They ran off yelling 'meeting in the kitchen' at the top of their lungs.

Xander grinned. "Thanks for doing that for me so I don't have to hear shit," Xander called after them. "I'm doing enough panicking for everyone else."

"Are you sure it's not a bad sign then?" Giles demanded.

"Gee, I don't know *why* I've been throwing a fit, Giles. Not like a guy's supposed to have a uterus implanted by people that the old Council used to fund. No! Guys aren't supposed to be pregnant at all! It's perfectly normal." He glared at him. Giles stepped back. "But yeah, I can go make my own area in Africa if I have to. I'll make a *great* world leader!"

"I don't believe that's a good idea," Giles said quietly. "We used to fund them?"

Xander nodded, taking out his phone to pull up the file his boyfriend had found. Willow handed over the one from the hospital. Xander held it up. "I do believe Quentin Travers was a watcher," he said sarcastically. "I don't know why I think that."

Giles took the phone to read then the file. He grimaced. "Fuck!" Willow flinched away from him. He calmed himself. "He had them breeding better slayers."

"Well, gee, I don't think I'm a girl with a mole but I guess maybe we can do a sex change on the fetus."

"No, we can't," Willow said in a squeak. "It's protected." She ran off to tell the others.

Xander looked at Giles. "So far I've taken out the demon that was controlling the president of the US and a few of his minions. Though a few slayers tried to take my fun. I really need to go kill me a few more that had happy thoughts about this idea."

"That's not a good idea. It can kill it and there's no telling if you'd survive that since the PTB seem to like this idea too."

Xander grinned at the watcher who had noted that from the hallway. "I'll make sure my kid has a *happy* talk with them when he's older if I don't get to." The watcher walked off shuddering. "You can tell everyone this was a plan that was started by Travers. He paid those idiots to make stronger slayers. Instead they decided I should bear a little me. Literally." He looked at Giles, who was shuddering. "So."

"Oh, dear." He walked off. "We'll talk about it when you've calmed down."

"I am calm. I'm very calm. I killed six demons already, got pity cuddles, got lunch, escaped a hospital in the UK and blew up the idiots who tried to kidnap me when I left the hospital." He followed, shaking his head at the stares. "Don't ask me. I woke up in a hospital wondering why I was there." He got a few pats. Buffy was just staring at him. "Hey, it could be worse. I could be carrying *your* clone instead of mine."

She shuddered. "That's a really horrible thought. I'd hate to call you Daddy, Xander."

He grinned. "Just think about what fun my kid will have with my boyfriends and girlfriends." She walked off making whining noises trying not to cry. He looked at Andrew. "Do we have any food?"

"No pickles."

"I won't have cravings for five months. Right now I'm just post-battle hungry." Andrew handed him the containers of leftovers from breakfast. "Thanks, Andrew. By the way, these guys wanted to be AIM."

"Jonathan would've been *so* disappointed," he sighed. "The real AIM would've made you carry the clone of some hero so they could turn it evil."

Xander grinned at him. "If mine turns evil I'll show him how to be Doctor Doom. We'll take over some little country somewhere and stop all the civil wars." He ate a bite of sausage.

"I can see you doing that," Andrew admitted. "Really fast."

"Well, I will have mood swings in a few months," he joked with a grin. Andrew groaned then hugged himself as he walked off. He looked at the girls. "I'll let you guys ask questions so you don't have to figure it out by getting pregnant before you decide you're ready."

They all nodded and let him eat while they went to talk in the tv room. The other watchers went to make notes so they could make sure the future Council members wouldn't let it ever happen again. The few that found the notes from the old Council about this idea, they handed them to Harris so he could take those moods out on them.

***

Xander walked into the poker hall in Cleveland, the one the slayers were allowed in. The bartender glared at him but he walked into the back room without having to knock out the guard this time. He stared at them. "I'd really like a list of all the morons involved in this situation. If only so I have to get some exercise for the next eight months."

One of the higher demons stared at him then he noticed his stomach. He frowned and licked what might be lips. "How did that happen?"

"Some lab people who wanted to do weird things. Apparently some higher demons demanded that I carry my clone all the way to term."

"I think they wanted a sacrifice," another one said. He reached a flipper over to pat Xander's stomach, getting swatted for it. "You really are with kit."

"I'm really with clone. It's me." He grinned. "And I've already taken care of one of them that demanded I carry to term so he won't be needing a sacrifice. But I can promise to be amusing if you guys give me a list." He smiled. "Giles thinks my clone will be evil so apparently I need to prove how evil I can be."

"Um, yeah, we can give the slayers a list."

Xander leaned down closer to that one, still smiling. "Why would I need the help? Did you not hear how I've already handled a *bunch* of problems?"

One moaned. "I have," he whined. "Oh, dear. Do the queens and kings you've run into in Africa like this?"

"Haven't gotten back there yet," he admitted. "I'll be going back soon so the girls quit staring at me." He smirked. "Then we'll see. A few might be very happy for me. I might even ask one to train the future me."

A very large demon stomped in. "Harris." He nodded then noticed his stomach. "So that is the reason for all the constipation complaints we're getting."

Xander rubbed his stomach. "Travers paid a group to breed tougher slayers and they decided they needed future watchers so I'm carrying my own clone. I'm looking for a list of demons who prompted and liked this idea. I need something to do for the next eight months. The birth will probably bring an apocalypse but I'll be a bit busy for that one. Better get them before they decide to bless my clone."

"Your future son..." the new demon said.

"No, they made it my literal clone. So I'm pregnant by my self and carrying myself."

The demon stared then backed out of the room slowly. "I will find that list for you if they do not, Knight. Have an easy birthing. We will gladly bless you with an easy pregnancy and birthing." He turned and fled.

Xander grinned at the others. "This is why I need things to do. I'm freaking out too many people."

They all nodded. "Yes, you are," one agreed. "We will find that list for you so you can summon them to Africa."

"Thanks!" He patted one then strolled out. "I'm going to take my freaked out and foul mood out on some vampy vamps since I haven't been on patrol in years." He smirked at the bartender. "Don't warn them."

"No, we will not. Better them than us." He waved. Xander went to go on patrol. Even if Faith would try to stop him and complain about it. Pity she'd lose that argument.

In the back room, the demons mostly burst out swearing at the higher beings. A few were crying but most were swearing about doing this to their orderly society and plans.

***

It took three days for others to hear from some source. Probably from the president trying to complain that his deal making time was done with. Or some reporter had heard Buffy and Willow complaining about it in a mall's food court while they shopped away the stress. Or both maybe.

Giles had complained for over an hour about the infestation of reporters outside the center so Xander had changed clothes and went out to deal with it head on. That way they'd leave him alone! He needed to finish his sulking in peace. He stared at the staring reporters. "What have you heard?" he asked patiently. He was used to stupid people so this wasn't much different.

"Someone said that you're undergoing a mystical pregnancy? Are you really just transgender?"

"No, you're wrong on both counts." He went inside and came out with the file from Giles' desk. "Here," he said, handing it to a real reporter from a channel he recognized. "I woke up in a hospital in the UK, wondering why I wasn't in Africa on my usual patrol route." He grimaced. "They told me that some comic book wannabe villains had me and they had rescued me on the president's order." He leaned on the fence. "That's the file that an acquaintance found for me after I escaped the hospital."

The reporter skimmed it. "Who is this Travers person?" she asked, looking up.

Xander grinned. "Former head of the Council when it got blown up. He wanted them to make stronger slayers. Apparently they decided to start with stronger watchers." He shrugged and shifted some. "I summoned one of the Devon Coven to make things make sense and she found out that I'm actually carrying my clone. This was after the US president demanded that I have to carry this one to term. So I kindly did away with the one that gave him that idea," he finished blandly. "And most of his minions."

"We've all seen that mark on his arm," another reporter complained. "What is the present Council doing, Mr. Harris?"

"Mostly swearing at me to calm down and the girls trying to figure out how to be good aunties in about eight months." He grinned at her. "They're all kinda freaked out too."

"The president has said that if this child isn't carried it'll be an apocalypse," the reporter that had the file said.

Xander shook his head. "It's possible me having this kid is this spring's apocalypse. Though, if my clone goes bad I'll teach him how to take over a bad area and be a fair person, very Doom like." He grinned at her. "You can tell the asshole I'm going to deal with that prophecy myself. Thanks."

She shivered, shrinking down a bit. "Okay. Are you healthy?"

"So far. They implanted the stuff and it hasn't infected." He lifted up his shirt some to show the stitches. "So far I'm just freaked out and really, really angry."

"How do you know it's your clone?" one of the reporters in the back asked.

"The witch that came when I tried to get Willow tested it and realized that. So I'm carrying myself." He shrugged. "I'm great and neat enough that two of me will be a great thing for the slayers probably."

"This sounds very fantastic, Mr. Harris. Can we do a sonogram?" the reporter with the file asked.

Xander nodded. "I'm about due to have one in a few days. They have to check the stuff that got shoved into my guts. We can release the tape."

"Can one of us be there to make sure there's no switching? You know someone will say that you did."

Xander grinned and nodded. "I've already heard all that from the talking heads of the supposed news stations." They smiled at him. "Let them do the medical stuff and I'll let someone view it after the formal stuff is out of the way?" They all nodded at that. "For now, please spread that around?" He grinned. "Before I get some outraged woman here trying to kill me for taking her special duty over?"

"Gladly," that reporter agreed. "When is your appointment?" Xander went inside to look at that and came back with it copied down. They could decide for themselves who went. And Xander would have a guard that day just in case. His local boyfriend had said that. Xander went back inside so the reporters could all look over that file and send in reports. By the time agents got there to try to confiscate the file there were copied parts already on multiple news networks.

Along with a formal statement from the head of the Council that they had no idea such plans had been going on over the years as they had been a field watcher, and now that they knew they were interested in stopping it as quickly as they could. Though they would support their watcher having his son. He'd be an excellent father with the way he treated his slayers.

The president was trying not to show he was having a hissy fit but they could all tell. And that his demon overlord had dumped him because he was pouty and sick looking.

***

Faith looked around the swanky looking doctor's office. "This clearly isn't a back alley clinic," she said dryly.

"This part of town doesn't even have a dark alley," Xander quipped. "It's all higher priced homes." He signed them in and sat down to wait on their appointment. "Thanks for coming, Faith," he said quietly.

"I'm going to be a kick ass auntie," she said with a small smirk for him. "Gotta get in there early before Red warps the kid into being a brat."

"I don't think I'll be too bratty. Not that he'll have the same upbringing I did. No drunk parents fighting. No Jesse and non-magical Willow around." He shifted to cross his feet, staring at his boots. "It'll be fine. He'll be a great kid most of the time."

"You already know some of the problems he'll have so you can get to them sooner too." Xander nodded at that. The reporter came in, and she looked rough. "Agents?" Faith guessed.

"Protest yesterday against the president I was covering." She sat down on Xander's other side. "He's very mad that you outed him that way," she said quietly.

Xander shrugged but grinned. "He helped do this to me." She shivered. "I learned how to do girl things from Willow and Cordelia."

"You never hear her talked about," the reporter said.

"She died while on the LA patrol team," Faith said.

"Now she's the Messenger for the PTB," Xander added with a short nod. "Her visions killed her." The reporter winced. He looked at her again. "She was the Queen cheerleader and a bit of a bitch sometimes, but sometimes it was the right way to be. Especially after we fell out." That got a nod.

"Still sucks that they blamed you and not Red for you two macking," Faith said.

Xander grinned at her. "You know how Buffy was back then, Faith."

"True." They got called back and Xander got to strip down to his boxer briefs and socks, with the charming looking hospital gown open in the front. The tech running the ultrasound was staring at the order looking confused. Faith cleared her throat. "Idiots who like demons did it." The tech sighed but Xander got set up so they could scan his stomach. Faith sat behind Xander's head so she could see the screen.

Xander pointed at the new scar. "They opened me there to put everything in."

"Okay." She ran the goop covered wand over his scar and frowned. "They did. That's a uterus." Xander nodded once then sighed. She went looking. "There's a bubble. It's...clearly not normal."

"Supposedly some demon made sure he'll carry it to term," Faith said quietly. "Can we tell the baby in there?"

The tech went looking and switched some things. "There. We definitely have the baby." The reporter got brought in to see that and she moaned. The tech looked up. "We needed independent verification?"

"The president is screaming that he helped cause it and is demanding that I carry it to term or else it's an apocalypse," Xander said quietly. "This is the only one they're getting until he's born."

"It's too early to tell gender."

"One of the coven tested. They said I'm carrying my clone," Xander said, frowning at the screen. "Damn I looked weird." The tech laughed but nodded. She printed out a few pictures for them and helped Xander clean off his stomach before leaving him to get dressed again. The reporter took one of the pictures with her and went to make that report live from her news van in the parking lot.

Xander went to meet with his doctor, who was scowling as he came in. "I don't like this," the doctor told him.

"Neither do I but I apparently can't do much about it," he said dryly. "Not like I asked for it to happen. The first I knew of it I was waking up in a hospital in the UK and they told me they were under orders that I had to carry it."

"This could kill you," the doctor warned.

Xander nodded. "A much bigger plan then their usual one to bleed me, cut me, torture me, bash my head in, or just stab me during a fight."

"Some demon was smoking the funny weed," Faith agreed.

Xander looked at her. "If I die of this, you're getting custody with Katya and you're to keep him away from his thang aunts."

"Gladly. I'll hide him from Red and B." She patted him on the shoulder. They looked at the doctor together, both shrugging. "We've been throwing fits about this for days, Doc."

"I can see why. What is that bubble?"

"We were told it was magically protected somehow," Xander said. "The first witch told me that, when she found out I'm carrying my clone."

"Well, that makes some things easier. You know it'll be a boy and the health issues you used to have."

"I was apparently a pretty healthy kid. I survived Sunnydale and hunting and drunk parents."

"No drinking while pregnant, young man."

"I don't often drink. I know the recommendations are two servings of beer or wine a week, or less, and none in the first trimester." The doctor nodded. "I don't do drugs. I don't usually drink. My only really bad habit is battles apparently." Faith patted him on the shoulder. "And chocolate. It's next to the Goddess for me." He grinned.

"Watch your intake. We don't want to deal with gestational diabetes or too much caffeine. It's bad for the baby." Xander sighed but nodded. "Cut down to two cups or less a day." Xander sighed and nodded again. He smiled a tiny bit. "You're not the worst case for that, Mr. Harris. I've had people with three pots a day habits." He moaned. "Are you going to be here for the full pregnancy?"

"No, I need to get back to my girls in Africa. I know there's very few docs down there I can trust."

"Probably true. It does tend to have more conservative peoples down there." He stared at him. "We can do check ups with you?"

"As often as I can," he agreed.

"You're stepping back to just being a house mother?"

Xander shook his head. "The only other watcher down there is a shithead. I suggested he be drowned by some of my girls." The doctor winced but made that note. "If they truly want this baby to come into being I'm guessing things are going to slow down around me," he said dryly, looking up then at the doc with a slight grin. "Or we'll have a super bad time with invasions and the like and I'll have to use a sword or my axe."

"We're getting the baby a hawaiian shirt and a baby axe," Faith quipped with a grin. "So he's just like his daddy."

He hugged her. "Thank you. Willow suggested I put him in a dress." She snorted, giving him a hug. He let her go and looked at the doctor again. "She's a great buddy but not mommy material."

"That can happen. You need to be aware of some medicines that shouldn't be taken by pregnant w...people." He handed over two brochures. "Safer sex procedures as well so you don't catch something that can be transmitted over."

"I got an ancient form of syphilis a few years back by falling into a tomb," Xander admitted. "And small pox we think."

"The Native Americans were not happy with their disturbing and gave them a 'you killed us, here have it back' sorta present," Faith added.

"During a thanksgiving weekend," Xander agreed with a nod.

The doctor shook his head quickly. "So you got it from bone shards?"

"Technically I got it from the spirits," Xander admitted with a grin. "But yeah, you can put bone shards down. I've only admitted to that twice before. Once when they found it because I've had malaria and ended up in the hospital with dehydration. The other time when they were looking to see what nearly killed me for three days then disappeared when we made those spirits happier."

"Rosenburg tested it," Faith told him.

"That's going to need to be handled when we do the c-section. Unless you think you'll grow an appropriate exit hole?" he asked Xander. Who shrugged but looked horrified. "So we'll plan for probably needing a c-section." He made that note as well. "Let's do the preliminary health checks, Mr. Harris."
He did all the standard health checks and they talked about dos and don'ts. Though he knew the guy was going to break some of the rules about not fighting or doing anything too strenuous. He had to handle battles with the slayers. Using a sword wasn't really a suggested pregnant person activity. But they'd handle it.

And then Xander was going to destroy some people who had put him through this.

***

Xander walked into a meeting he had called a few months later, nodding at the guards on the door. "You too, Pertry." He hauled him inside to the meeting of a few generals, a few hell gods and goddesses, and a few arms dealers. He turned and shut the door then took off his shirt to stare at them. He was showing now. And the baby was a tiny bit active today too. "Due to the obvious problems that *someone* caused we're going to have a few problems coming up. Not like I can waddle into a battle next week. And the girls have threatened me with being tied up and fussed over if I try."

One of the arms dealers frowned, staring at his stomach. "The one that the demons got pregnant on purpose was you?"

Xander nodded, picking up the guy's hand to put on his moving stomach. "And I'm carrying my clone actually." He smirked a tiny bit at him. "I'm not asking for baby presents but we've got to figure out the three major battles we're supposed to have before I deliver, hopefully by c-section, and anything that pops up in the major areas. Which all of you work near. And D'Nar, can I please bum a healer? I had a doctor who tried to kill me so he could examine the structure."

"Of course, dear." She blew a kiss. "You should probably rest and eat more."

"I probably should," he agreed. "But food and I aren't getting along right now. Thankfully morning sickness has stopped but the heartburn has started."

"Yes, that will keep going on until about six months after," Goddess D'Nar agreed. The other two hell goddesses agreed by nod. "Is that *witch* doing anything?"

"Hiding before I beat her to death," Xander said dryly. "She decided it was a *good* thing and I'd be *settled* with a kid. That I'd have to give up being the watcher down here afterward. When it was pointed out two of the slayers were moms before they were called, she threw an awesome fit that caused that snowstorm last week." A few moaned.

Xander nodded, waving a hand around. "Buffy's got her with Giles and the Devon coven. They've put a muting charm so she can't find me for a bit." They all smiled about that. "But...." He waved a hand at his stomach. "We have a few battles foreseen soon." He put on his shirt and sat down with a sigh. "I can handle artillery, until I can't stand comfortably and then I'll handle artillery if I have to."

"You should not be near a battle," Goddess D'Nar ordered.

Xander shrugged. "Not like everyone else will. I'm kinda hoping you guys will help fill in when I get to the point of waddling?" A few nodded. "Because the local militaries may not." He smirked a tiny bit. "I pointed out loudly if the higher ups really wanted this kid to be born then they should probably stop any and all battles until I've delivered. Though that means I'd probably die in that battle right after I deliver."

"Why did higher demons want you to have a child?" one of the arms dealers asked.

Xander shrugged. "No idea. They mostly hate me. Maybe they're having a bet or something. All I know is that this has made me want to become an evil overlord better than Andrew's former group ever could've been." He grinned. "Gotta make sure the kid's safe from the slayers and Rosenburg when I die." A few of them moaned in pleasure. "My clone needs to be raised better than I ever was. Though he can inherit my axe. Can one of you make sure of it?" They nodded. "Thanks." He sniffled a bit then sighed. "I hate hormones!"

"They only get worse from here," one of the guys complained. "My concubine does it very often."

Xander looked at him. "At least I didn't get knocked up the traditional way." A few laughed at that. One blushed because they had sex. He sighed. "So, how are we handling the upcoming battles? I don't really want to show up at the first one so someone tries to kill me to dissect me. The other two are in more friendly areas but that next one is going to suck and I don't trust them with the slayers either." He looked at that general with a smile.

He cleared his throat. "I would not suggest you get anywhere near my people, Watcher Harris. They will definitely not appreciate what has happened to you. Your slayer among us is having fits?"

"Many loud ones at the demons who did this but she's trying to make a baby blanket for him." He grinned. "My girls are used to weird things. I'm just a really weird thing to them."

"I can see how they could manage that. We will gladly handle the next battle for you. And if any others appear among my people, we would probably be willing to handle them as well. My higher ups are scowling about you not showing up to brief us about what's been seen but I'll explain it when I get home." He looked at the hell god who lived near his people. "Please do not give us any problems."

"I have no intention of it but my warriors can come help." Xander grinned at him. "You need a guard."

"Probably but I'm mostly hiding with the girls."

Goddess D'Nar looked at him. "You will travel down to the safehouse near my temple, Xander. My healers need to look at you to see if you need help."

"Just don't tell me if I'm going to have to nurse the baby or am able to deliver without a c-section."

"No, that would be too weird," she agreed. She looked at his stomach. "The baby is quite active. Though I'm not sure if the witch was right about it being your clone."

"Oh, no, that was Willow's spell last night. Then they told her it might be a slayer so she's changed her mind but only half undid the spell." One of the hell gods got up to look at his stomach, ending the spell for him. Xander sighed and relaxed. "Thank you." He kissed him on the cheek.

"That witch is warped and needs help," the hell god said as he went back to his lounging seat. "She had changed the gender but not the nature. So it would've been you as a girl."

"She'd probably try to get her into ballet and girly things too," Xander quipped, getting a few smiles. "At least the kid won't be growing up with Willow as his best female friend since the first day of school. He'll be a bit less warped than I am."

"That would be amusing," D'Nar quipped. "You raised as a mostly normal child? It would be interesting to see."

"Give me a year," Xander quipped back with a smirk for her. "Though the son will be learning self defense. Before some icky thing wants him like they seem to like me."

D'Nar smiled at him. "Did you realize that someone told others about Anya?" He groaned but sighed and nodded. "The higher ones bragged about how you warped her into having a conscience and not being ruthless in her job. Also how many times she bragged about you making her squeal. Something about tongues....." Xander blushed, ducking his head. She grinned.

One of the hell gods nodded. "They have tried to get others interested in having you as a mate." Xander shook his head so he smiled at him. "I have many mates but do not need children around my temple. Thankfully or you would be cute in my harem."

Xander shook his head again but grinned at him. "I'm not into something permanent. Anyone I date long term seems to die. I'd hate to lose you."

"Point. That Messenger, Anya...though you did lose them after you broke away from them."

"So they'd have to keep you and not let you get away," the other hell god said with a smirk for the boy.

"Yeah, that won't happen. It has to be mutual. I'm not into anything but mutual relations anymore."

"You would be quite a coup to obtain, and quite a reward to own," D'Nar said. "But if it is not mutual you would get bored and would have to work against them." Xander nodded quickly. She sighed, smiling at him. "Too bad I only like delicate women."

"Yeah, I'll probably never be one of those. Even if Willow tried it." A few laughed but they agreed, he wasn't going to be delicate. They could figure out the upcoming problems very easily. And Xander could get a tiny bit of fussing over things in.

***

The witch currently at the Council slapped Willow when she started to complain about the baby again. "There have been *six* visions about that child if he isn't like his father. Mostly they show him starting a cult." She glared at the younger witch, pulling up every bit of upper class British middle aged woman she had. "Leave the boy alone! Before you cause another apocalypse!" She walked off, leaving Willow there glaring at her back. "Oh, Andrew. Is Rupert in his office?" she asked genteelly with a slight smile.

"He's not back from his doctor's appointment yet. But if you want to steal Willow, you go girl. We'll manage without her." He nodded a bit. "Please?"

She smiled at him. "I was contemplating that, yes. Let me call the other witches." She grabbed the phone in there to call the main coven meeting area. They agreed that Willow needed to be taught patience and to stay away from Harris for good. Before he warped her more. They were sure it was his warping that made the poor girl that way.

Andrew smiled at her and called up a few videos from high school. "I was on the yearbook committee." He walked away to let her watch Willow totally nag people for not being her. The witch huffed. Apparently she had tried to warp the boy and it hadn't gone well within her mind so it had ended up warping Willow instead.

Andrew had left a few books on her bed by some...Rosenburgs. "Oh, dear," she said as she sat down to read the first one. "No, the boy did not warp her," she realized. "Oh, my. No wonder." She went to gather Willow so they could go back to the coven and they could straighten Willow out on many things.

On the flight over, Willow was knocked out for ease of handling and it gave the witch much time to read those very weirdly wrong ideas of books on how to raise children. She made a report to the heads of the coven, who just sighed. They had thought it was the boy as well. Instead, he was the sane one!

***

Xander had to spend the last three weeks of his pregnancy in Goddess D'Nar's temple due to human yahoos who thought he should be killed. So when he finally wobbled out the day after the delivery, with his son/clone, the goddess got to coo over him first. He hugged her. "Thank you for protecting him. We'll disappear tomorrow sometime. The coven wanted to see him."

She smiled. "You can set up a video conference thing, Xander." She cooed at the baby, tickling him some. The baby scowled at her. "You gave me that look the first time I saw you, dear."

He looked down then grinned at her. "I wasn't sure you were a good influence then, D'Nar."

She giggled. "I'm not always." She winked. "Others are waiting on the baby outside."

Xander went to look, grimacing. "If I step out like the royals do, they could try to shoot us." He grabbed the baby, walking out there and holding him so he was facing the crowd. "Thanks for giving us a few happy days, people," he said with a smile and a wave. A few cooed. "He's healthy, safe, and will not sleep." They laughed and dispersed. Xander went to use the temple's video conferencing equipment, nodding at the ones on the screens. "I'm no longer being kicked. Goddess D'Nar's healers are super rockstars and very liberal with the stuff to knock me out."

Giles took off his glasses, smiling at him. "He's adorable, Xander." Xander grinned and nodded. "I'll note he was born healthy. Anything like the taint you were exposed to?"

"Not according to the healers."

"Even better for him," another watcher said. "He's a bit scrunched up still but adorable, Harris. Are you getting back on route in a few weeks?"

"I'm going to take him to Barra this week so we can rest there with Naomi. That way I can make sure I'm doing baby stuff right. She taught the other two slayers with babies. She was sure I was good at diapers already." He grinned.

"That's fine and reasonable," Giles agreed. "A few weeks of paternity leave is mostly necessary for most parents." He looked over the top of the screen. "It's Xander and the baby."

Faith came around to look, cooing at it. "You're so cute."

"Artie, this is Auntie Faith," Xander said, holding him closer to the screen. "We're going to see Naomi."

"That's good," she agreed. "He's aces, X. Happy baby stuff." She walked off smiling to tell the other girls.

Xander grinned at Giles. "Thanks. I'll call when I go back on route. Say bye, Artie." The baby's hand was waved for him and Xander took him back to his room so they could both nap. They really did need to get out of D'Nar's hair soon. Before the son wanted to adopt her as a stepmom.

***

In the white house, the president was crowing that the baby was born. That his sacrificial rite would go on. At least until the tentacle popped out of a tissue box and slapped him around a few times. Then it stuck itself to his face and tugged him into the tissue box so they could have a chat. The guard in there called that in as he slowly backed out of the office. He was not sure what to do about a giant tentacle and he definitely didn't want to know why it liked the president.

***

Seers all over the world were seeing what the baby would become. They all saw him being a charismatic leader. Probably for a cult. He was every bit like his father without being so hyper protective. He encouraged a lot of people to join the hunting lifestyle. And he seemed to almost start a sexual cult of orgasms.

Some who had seen Anya knew where that part had come from. On higher realms, higher demons were screaming and ranting about the baby being born and doing that. D'Hoffryn was also shuddering at the baby becoming a true human problem of epic proportions even bigger than his father had been.

Xander, he hadn't seen any of this. So he was just being a pretty happy dad. At least between diapers.

The rest of the seers and hunters that heard, they figured this was how the Powers That Be would fight off a new apocalypse later on. No one was going to tell Xander that. He'd by-step it and make that one only a gleam in some demon's eye.

The Powers That Be looked at that child, that they had thought would handicap that hunter by making him quit being in their way, and knew fear. It had made the boy stronger willed to stop their plans for balance. If they went after the child, the warrior would call upon some of his weirder contacts and poker debts to take out those who had caused the problem. It was even worse than Rosenburg having had him. Artie hadn't been their plan but they had liked how it would've helped their plans.

Now...they had Xander'd it.

Damn it.

***

A seer came to see the baby so many of them had headaches about. She sat across from Xander in the market's tea shop, staring at the duo. "Many of us have seen about him," she said quietly.

"I figured some demons had a hand in it," he agreed. "Was it that bad? Am I going to have to rescue him? Or avenge him?"

"No. The Powers, they wanted you to slow down due to raising him." She grimaced and pulled a sealed envelope out of her purse to hand over. "Ninety-three seers all say the same thing for him."

Xander read it, frowning some. Then he burst out laughing. "Wow." He tucked it back into the envelope. "I'm not against him leading hunters in the future. The cult I might mind...and wonder why since he's supposedly my clone." He looked at his son then at her. "Ninety-three seers? I didn't think we had more than fifteen on this plane."

"Some were on demon planes. Including the seer that D'Hoffryn himself relies on." Xander winced. "Indeed. Many believe it will stop a later apocalypse."

"Could be," he agreed. "I'll try to talk him out of starting a cult."

"That may help but it appeared to be much fun for him."

"Who raised him when I fall?"

"You did not fall. You were there nagging in the background in a few of them." Xander perked up at that, grinning at her. "But it is important that he know his people. That he learn about his future slayers."

"We've met most of the ones down here. They came to visit with him."

"That's good. You will have to spend at least fifteen years in America again by what most of us saw. It won't keep him any safer but you will handle things."

"Is Giles going to fall?"

"Not yet. He was at least a teenager." Xander nodded at that. "Being here for his formative years is fine but we saw you being driven back there due to a problem with the main Council."

"I can handle that. Thank you for letting me know I'll only warp him a tiny bit."

She smiled. "If he's warped it may not be all on your raising. Many saw the influence of your former fiancee in his life. Hence him starting a hunting cult that would have tickled her desires." She patted him on the hand. "Relax and enjoy being a father. Make sure the battle in two days doesn't kill you, Harris." She left him to talk to his son. As long as the boy lived through the next two battles it would be fine.

Xander called someone. "What's the next few battles seen?" He listened. "No, I got an interesting visit from another seer. Mostly about my son taking a bit after Anya." He listened. "Two days? Sure. Naomi said she'd guard him for a bit. The other?" He listened then groaned. "Fucking lawyers!" he complained. "Okay. Yup, we can handle that. Thanks, Bert." He bundled things up and paid for his tea so he could go talk to Naomi. She was pretty smart and wise and a good grandma sort to Artie.

***

Xander looked at the battle two days later, shaking his head. "Why would anyone expect me to jump in with a sword today? I'm sore, people!" He fired off the artillery at the complaining demons, who had wanted to see the baby. They blew up in their car. The fire from the car's gas lit the portal on fire and killed it.

The military handling it with him all stared at him. He shrugged. "I'm a week and a half post having the son, people. I'm sore and tired. The son doesn't like to sleep at all!" A few nodded they understood about that. "After this it's evil lawyers. Then I might have to go back to the US for a while." He walked off rubbing his sore back. Carrying Artie was worse now than it had been when he had been pregnant for some reason.

The waiting military people just stared at each other then at the remains. Battles like this were rare but nice to have because no one got hurt. They could like more of these. Especially if those lawyers showed up.

Honestly, how evil could lawyers be?

***

Xander sat down at the meeting that had been called for him. He looked at his guest, grinning at the trapped demon. "If they do one single thing at any time that will harm my son or make him be raised by Buffy or Willow, I wish to be the president of the US as soon as I'm of age and have all the wealth and status of their law firm in my son's grasp." He smiled.

The demon shivered as that reality hit him. He swallowed hard. "I...D'Hoffryn?" he begged.

Xander shook his head. "You owe me. You actually owe me three debts, including a life debt because I saved you guys' temple last month by accident." He grinned again. "I could make a wish to have the working, fully stoned Infinity gauntlet. I'd be nicer than Thanos but ....well, I *am* a month post birth." He smirked. "Your choice which one you grant."

The demon tensed up and you could hear a tiny whining noise from him. "Fuck!" he shouted loudly, getting attention. "The first wish is granted. I'd hate to see you with such powerful artifacts. Your son would be horrible when he starts his cult."

"Hey, maybe that's how he'll get a stepmom." He beamed at the demon. Who was shaking his head and nearly crying as the options ran through his mind. He patted the demon on the arm. "Calm down. There has to be a lot of time before a stepmom comes into being for Artie." He grinned at the lawyers.

"By the way, I used to date Cordelia Chase." They frowned and looked her up then the head lawyer winced. "Does that show that I used to hunt with Buffy too? And I nearly killed Angel one night? I mean, you guys just annoyed him and I helped her send him to hell and nearly got him on my own one night."

"We were not aware of that," one of the lesser lawyers said, clearing his throat. "Mr. Harris, about your son?"

"Artie? He's a good kid most of the time. Very sweet." He grinned. "And I've heard the prophecies about him and a cult of hunting. If I had that much energy I'd be doing that instead of preparing for a battle in a week or so."

"We wish to obtain records of...."

Xander held up a hand to stop them. "I have no idea how they did it. The first I knew, I was waking up in a hospital in England and being told I was pregnant. No clue, people." They grimaced. "Sorry, ask the US president since that was apparently part of his ritual plot for more power." He looked at the trapped demon, grinning at him. Then at the lawyers. "Anything else you wanted to know? Not that I'll probably answer but you can ask. I'm in a pretty decent mood right now; the kid let me sleep last night."

"We'd like to obtain the baby to look at him."

"Hell no," Xander said with a smile. And the demon beside him nearly passed out. "Why would I let you evil things near my son?"

"The father...."

Xander burst out laughing, shaking his head. "Sorry, people, but he's my clone. There's no daddy beyond me. The Devon coven found that at the first check to see if I was pregnant." He grinned again and the lawyers were starting to realize how bad that was. "Anything else you want to try?"

"Who is going to raise the child when you die?" one asked with a smile.

Xander chuckled. "He's got godparents and I've got a will. Iron clad, done by a light sided law firm, and his future guardians have all agreed. Including two down here just in case. And *everyone* knows about him. I made sure to tell all my contacts about how nasty being pregnant was so they knew I was having him. Most of them have cooed at him by video conference, and Rupert thinks he's adorable. Which he is, because I was." He grinned again. The lawyer was trying to back away from him. "Anything else you guys wanted to try?"

"How did you get Anyanka's things?" the other lawyer demanded.

"I nearly married her. I left her at the altar because she would've been miserable. She was all about the money and orgasms and I apparently did it for her very well." He grinned again. "If you ask anyone that was in Sunnydale, even the normal ones, they would've told you the same thing."

"You can't be him. He died to seal the hole."

"No, that was Spike. I'm not a vampire." Xander pulled out his wallet to show off his old ID from California. "Look familiar?" They looked it up and one flinched, shaking his head. "Is that connected to the poker circuit?" The trapped demon moaned. Xander patted him on the hand. "I'll gladly bring you to a poker hall later."

He looked at the lawyers again, making them both get up and huff off. Xander tossed down the wallet he had lifted from one, nodding at the waiter. "For whatever they ordered and take a tip, dude." He got up and took the entrapped demon to set him free in a poker hall. He grinned and waved at some he knew. "Wolfram and Hart wanted Artie, people. They're not happy I said no."

The wish demon was crying on someone's shoulder. "I wasn't even that mean. Buck up! I could've went totally mean and wanted to run that law firm and own all their status now because they decided to not read their own files." He looked at the others. "They didn't even realize I wasn't Spike, people. Are we not gossiping back to the evil ones anymore? They even thought Artie had a daddy."

"We can share news so they leave you alone before you make more people sob," the bartender said with a grin for him. "What did you do?"

"I used an owed wish to get all their status and money in hand if they made Artie be raised by Buffy and Willow and that I wanted to be the US president if they did." He grinned. "Or he could've gotten me the full infinity gauntlet instead."

The bartender frowned. "I've never heard about that thing."

"It's from a comic," a vampire in the back called. "It makes one omnipotent and was used to remove half of everyone everywhere in the comics."

Xander winked at him. "I'd be more picky. Why would I want to give Hela happies?" He walked off whistling. His son was being babysat by a local contact, who was using him to make sure he didn't want his own spawn. So of course Artie was screaming when he got there but it was just a 'you're ignoring me' yell so Xander was okay with that. He picked up the kid, making him stop wailing.

"Hi. Did you miss me, Artie?" The demon came rushing in. "I'm back. The lawyers were more stupid than usual. They didn't even listen to gossip and thought I was Spike." He paid his sitter and walked off with his son and the diaper bag, going to the hotel to give him a bath and take a nap with him.

The demon went to share that online. The lawyers really did lose some brains when they had done the LA invasion.

***

Buffy called Xander that night. "If we have to raise him, we'll make sure he's the best Xander he can be. It worked well on you," she said with a grin.

"I had male related sanity until I met you, Buffy. He won't get to be surrounded by girls until he's almost sixteen, like I was." He stared at her. "Part of that wish was that I become the US prez."

She swallowed, looking behind her. "Xander has wacky, evil plans, people. If we have to raise Artie, Xander will be prez."

"We'll make sure nothing comes near Artie," Willow quipped from the background. "There will be no more problems for years so Artie's not in danger."

Buffy grinned at him. "We can do that! It'll help us too!" She waved as she hung up, going to shudder in the kitchen on Giles' shoulder to warn him that Xander really needed a nap. And maybe sex too. Andrew told her what the wishes had been and she frowned until he explained about the gauntlet.

Then she decided Xander really needed a lover good enough to knock him up again. However that happened. It'd keep him from going evil thanks to the first baby. And maybe he'd have a daughter they could spoil. She went to talk to a few of the local poker circuit about that. They should know who Xander was sleeping with in Africa.

Giles sighed, making a note in his journal about those upcoming problems. Logically, if all bad demon attacks were stopped because of the baby, the normals would probably see that as a good thing and might elect Xander in anyway. Though he was not sure why the baby would someday start a hunting and sex cult. Xander wasn't like that at all.

It had to be warping by someone that Xander took up with sometime in the future. Perhaps they should call him to a closer area to rest for a bit? Once he looked up what it took to be president, on advice of a laughing Andrew, he decided Xander should probably go to England to handle the girls there for a bit. That way he couldn't be in the US for fifteen years to be eligible.

*** (sent here on list's archive.)

The lawyers, who weren't as stupid as they appeared, put out the news about Harris being himself, because many thought he had died. They corrected the firm's files on him and the others using the online yearbooks you could find these days. They were even nice enough to update the yearbook staff's files for them since they were trying to organize a reunion for some reason.

They did put down that Chase had died due to a brain tumor instead of vision related brain changes but close enough for mundanes. They didn't realize Andrew Wells was part of that group, and got notified at any updated files being put in by someone other than the group. He put up a new picture of Xander and his son that had been sent from Goddess D'Nar's temple. He hacked in and got into Wolfram and Hart's files for them to correct them.

The lawyers weren't that great and still kinda dumb. They had used a picture of Larry instead of Xander's. Once that was fixed he uploaded the rating on Xander as a seer. The people on the other end shit themselves when they saw what had been added to their files.

Yes, they were not touching that one.

Instead they told others about the new child of chaos. The last son of chaos had a proper heir. One that he had already avoided being sacrificed by some higher level demon's minions. Clearly only a Great One would ever be able to sacrifice that child and gain a boon from it. Pity Harris had taken out six of those in the last few years.

***

Xander walked out of the hotel with his bag, his son being with a slayer's family for the day of the battle. He was paused by two demons, both of them peaceful types. "There's a battle today, you should hide," he told them.

They smiled and held up something together. "To welcome the son of the Son of Chaos."

Xander smiled. "Thanks. Artie's pretty much neutral though. He's just being a baby."

They smiled at him and one patted him on the arm. "Many believe he is too strong to be of sacrificial use by anything less than a Great One or a Higher." They jogged off together to go hide.

Xander nodded. "He won't get sacrificed at all because I'm one overprotective daddy sort." He opened the present, smiling at the new eye patch. He could feel magic on it. He found the small symbols traced in the leather, running a finger over a few of them. Then there was a large gun that fell into his hands. "Hey."

He grinned, looking it over. "Sweet. Thank you!" he called with a grin and a wave. He touched the gun to the eyepatch and it went back in. Xander nodded, taking it with him. That would be very handy when he had to steal artillery later. His truck seat had two wrapped presents in there, even though it had been locked. He grinned, getting in to look at them. "I'll write letters tonight for these." One held a bear that had a calming charm on it.

The other...he had no idea what it was but the blob of thing changed as he thought about it. "Okay, it's a think on toy. That's really cool." He tucked them both into the baby seat and buckled the bear in so he could drive off. He spotted a tiny kid running toward him so didn't start the engine in case it was a messenger.

It was, but the kid only had an envelope. He gave the kid a tip with a grin, letting him run off and get something from under the back bumper. Xander leaned out to look at it. "I'm about to head to a battle. I don't want to see you hurt unless you're planting explosives."

"I was sneaking my clan's baby present into the back, Xander."

"Aww, that's sweet. I've got a few up here, I'll write the elders a thank you note later." The demon handed it over and ran off as well. Xander checked the envelope. It was a gift certificate for diapers. "Hey, great present." He tucked that into the baby seat too and drove off much happier than usual on a battle day. The soldier that let him into the sealed area gave him an odd look so he grinned. "Baby presents."

The soldier nodded. "That's nice of someone, Watcher Harris." Xander smiled, parking and getting out to go handle this thing. He was still sore but today's could be blown up because Wolfram and Hart's local lawyers wouldn't pay for anything that was too hard to kill. They were cheap demons.

***

Faith opened up her email, knowing it had a baby picture for the other slayers. It did, two in fact, but it also had a list of who had given him baby presents and asked if she could find out who one was so he could send them a thank you card. She sent back she'd ask. She printed the pictures to hand over to the girls and went to show that email to Giles, who sighed but nodded. "I'm guessing the thank you notes are girl stuff I never learned?"

He nodded, patting her on the wrist. "It is. Beyond family members it's customary to send a thank you note. Though I had one aunt who huffed greatly if I tried to thank her in person instead." She nodded, leaving him to think about that while she called some contacts to find out that information.

Giles considered things then asked someone he knew if they had heard about any other baby presents that hadn't been presented yet so Xander could get a start on thank you notes. What he saw back made him sigh and email Xander. That sort of gift didn't get presented. It just got told when it got used.

***

Xander looked up from the summoning, smiling at the glaring demon. "What, Harris?" D'Hoffryn demanded. "I'm busy!"

"I was going to give you what I found last week in Anya's trunk. It had been hidden magically but Artie opened it up." He pointed at where the baby was chewing on a pretty bracelet that held crystals spaced equally around it in varying shades of blue. "And ask if you could please send your brother-in-law his thank you note for the charmed bear?" He held it up with a grin. "Anytime I go near his temple, his library starts to scream in pleasure and I don't want to know why they think I'm pretty."

D'Hoffryn stared at him. "The library?" Xander nodded, showing him the video he had taken for Giles. "Oh, dear. He has something possessed in there I'm afraid." He nodded, taking the note. "I'll save us all some amusement and work." Xander picked up his son to let D'Hoffryn test that bracelet, making him moan. "How did she remake that power center for Halfrek and not her own?"

"She and Tara had a crafting thing going on for a few weeks when Tara needed some distraction to ignore Willow while she had broken up with her." He pried the bracelet out to hand over with a smile. "I saw her wearing it a few times."

"She never activated it." He bounced it in his hand. Artie tried to grab it and fussed when he couldn't.

Xander looked at him. "Hey, Mr. Spoiled. It's not ours. That was his. You have to give him back his stuff or it's theft and that's wrong unless you're stealing important things for the safety of the world. Like the vase that holds two gods having sex in it."

D'Hoffryn stared at him. "That's a myth!"

"It's in the truck." He walked the baby off and brought back the cotton sack with the vase in it. He held it up. "It was already cracked when I found it. It sounded like me supergluing it meant that the procreation spell finally broke. I heard 'finally, I can stop sticking myself in you' as I put it into the bag."

D'Hoffryn tested it and sighed. "D'Nar should handle that, boy."

"I asked, she said to give it to you." He grinned. "She called them annoying pricks who were bad in bed."

"She'd know," he agreed. He took the vase carefully. The power in it made him shiver. "You should let them out on a battle."

"I thought about that but I don't want to break down and screw someone. I'd hate to get some innocent soldier addicted to me and make his people scream at him for going gay. It's not really wanted around here."

D'Hoffryn nodded. "I can see that." He left with the note, the vase, and the bracelet. Two of the three went to his brother-in-law, who smiled at him for the delivery. "Harris said he didn't want to upset your library."

"The statue of Aphrodite gets quite mad about him." He read the note and giggled. "He is quite nice."

"He's the one who dated Anyanka."

"I heard. That's why I haven't hit on him myself. I could not keep up with that sort of stamina and I have no wish to be a stepparent for Artie."

D'Hoffryn nodded, going back to his own temple to recover from that exposure to the child. Harris' soul cried out for wishes of vengeance and retribution. The kid's soul was still mostly baby-greedy: milk, blankets, cuddles. He'd switch them but Harris would destroy all of demonkind when that wish to take over the US came to be.

Xander looked at Artie, grinning at him. "Let's go have some formula and a nap. We like naps, right? You haven't grown out of that yet?" He scuffed over the marks he had scratched into the ground, then took the baby to his motel to have a nap. Babies grew when they slept so he needed to nap a lot right now.
Part 2 by Voracity2
***

Sixteen Years Later

***

Artie, who was now a teenager of damnation according to everyone who knew him, looked at the reporter annoying him. He had been asked to make nice by his father's people. That curse to protect him meant that his dad now had to deal with sucky people in DC he'd rather take a bat to. "No, I have a few role models. Dad was real firm in a few. I was always told to look up to Napoleon Solo and Artemis Fowl, who I got named after." He smirked a tiny bit, which made him look slightly evil. "My first movie I remember watching with him was one of those actually."

The reporter swallowed. "So what little I know of either of them, one was an agent. The other is a book character and a genius."

"Yes but he uses his mind for other things than just being a genius. He created evil plots to save his family. The other is an excellent role model for manners, how to treat women, and how to handle things like art." He smirked. "How to fit in. All that. Most of the time Dad can't really stand all that higher class stuff so I had to have a role model that would allow me to handle that for college and my later career."

She nodded. "That's interesting. Do you look up to anyone else?"

"Dad for temper control. He has fantastic control to not smite people sometimes."

"I've heard him say that. Have you met with the local slayers?"

"Of course. I grew up knowing about them and playing with the younger ones near us." He looked at his guard then at her. "We handle what we must in a way we must but we do it with style and no temper because tempers will cloud things."

"I can see that. Do you plan on college?"

"I think so. Like Dad, I am a hands-on learner but there's some things I'm interested in. A few would like me to learn hacking but Dad said it was cheezy and predictable. I should learn a better evil science." She shivered but nodded. He grinned. "I've heard the prophecies they had about me. One of the kids in my school years heard and kindly told me about my future cult. I have no idea why I started one but it's not been started yet, dear.

"Calm down. I'd never touch taken unless it'd save people and you're wearing a ring to prove you are." He winked. She whined but nodded at that. "Though I'm not sure why I'd start a cult to hunting. I really don't enjoy it. Dad made sure I was realistic about it but upset by the facts. I can if I must but I hopefully will never have to. The other part of that prophesied cult....well, we'll have to see about that later when I'm older won't we?"

"You are very naughty."

He smiled. "Everyone's gotta be something. Why be anything but fun?"

She nodded. "I can see that and why your father had you look up to those two icons." He smirked a tiny bit. "I heard you got kicked out of school?"

"Yes," he said, scowling then making it clear up. "Some little troll looking upperclassman wanted to be an alpha dog and tried me so I proved he wasn't one and made sure he knew his place was at my heels begging for mercy. His poor daddy filled his head with stupid things about being an alpha male." He shrugged. "I'm not the ultimate alpha but I think those sort of men are annoying and boring anyway. Real men are complex and I'm growing into a fine specimen. That one, maybe the healing time will help him realize his place in society and find it pleasing as he gets used to it."

"So you beat him?"

"Fairly badly, yes." He shifted to cross his feet. "But he did start it. They had it on video. Which is why I'm not in jail. The DA saw that, looked at his son, and quietly told his son he was going to be sorry later then dismissed the charges before my father heard on his trip to Arizona. Dad came back and was told as he walked in that I was expelled for defending myself.

"He stared at me, asked if I had a weapon, which I didn't. I assured him I didn't use excessive force or any special skills, and he nodded and said we'd figure it out. Then he made my guard take me to the garage and explain car engines to me so I learned something practical." He smiled. "Sometimes you have to be able to fix the car while you're getting away apparently."

"I suppose. Though do you have to get away often?"

"Have you seen the women that flirt with me, dear?" he asked dryly, smirking again. He oozed self confidence. His guard was moaning in the corner. "Not that I take them up on that. Good men wait a tiny bit longer than any girl who flirts with him in the club. Unlike my father I don't need stress relief after battles or before battles. I can be picky."

"Are you still a virgin?"

He laughed. "I'd answer but it might give hope to people who want to sacrifice me or ruin their weeks if they had other ideas. So no comment."

"Do you have a license?"

"Of course. I'm looking at a few types of cars to ask for. Something with a bit of room but looks practical. It has to be more practical than used for picking up girls but someday I'll want a girlfriend to enjoy it with me I'm sure." She shivered but nodded. "Too bad they don't make sedans like the crown victoria anymore. Dad complained once he was made thanks to one."

"I... I have no idea what to say about that. What are you thinking?"

"Something like a small sports wagon maybe. My father warned me not to want an older style VW bus, even though he wanted one for years. Too much opportunity."

She swallowed, looking at the guard then at him. "Girls are attracted to certain types of cars."

"If they're that shallow then I don't need that bit of boring. I'm a complex guy, she has to want more than my pretty hair."

She nodded. "I can see that. I know your father's had some fast, easy things he's dated in the past."

"Yes, and many of them gave him really nice baby presents when I was born."

"Wow." She stared at him. "Can you handle his axe?"

"I've learned some. It was a bit heavy for me until last year. I've taken some training with all the weapons just in case I was attacked and needed one. My father would never leave me vulnerable and counting on a guard that may not be there or may be taken out. He's realistic about the threats to our family. He made sure I knew but wasn't paranoid."

She nodded. "So if you're hit on by a vampire you can handle it?"

"Of course. I knew how to do that at ten. I've had to stake two different vampires who wanted me in the club to protect myself." He smiled a bit. "I hate that I had to but better that than turned. I'd make a mean vampire."

"I'm sure you would," she agreed, nodding at that and glancing at the guard again.

"No, he wouldn't want to see me turned. He knows I'd get Dad turned and then a few others so we'd be an exceptionally protected group."

She swallowed and nodded. "I can see that. Would you date a slayer?"

He let out a bitter sounding laugh. "Not a chance. The ones I know treat me like I'm deficient, like they do my father. I'd never put up with that level of abuse in a relationship."

"Wow."

"They can still treat Dad like shit and that's all on them. Their doing. I support them and their duty. I can protect myself so they're not having to protect me. But dating? No. I know what they're like and the ones I know about I'd never touch because of their attitude towards me and my dad."

"That's sad."

"Well, there's plenty of tougher women out there." He smirked. "And I don't draw arms dealers like Dad did."

"True. That's probably a good thing." She swallowed again. "Is your father okay today?"

"Bit upset with last night. Otherwise, not much outside of the usual for him."

"I suppose that's good. Let me go submit this interview. Have a good day?"

"You as well." He shook her hand then kissed the back of it, letting her flee the meeting room in the white house. He looked at his guard, who was shaking his head. "What?"

"Less flirting please, Artemis. She was twice your age and had wet panties."

"Well, some of us are a gift," he quipped, getting up. "It's nearly time for sparring."

"It is." He walked him that way and watched over his practice. Artemis may be Xander's clone but the kid had grown his own style and skills. Xander had made sure his clone of a son wouldn't be trapped like he was.

***

It came the day when Artie had to handle something on his own. Something big. His father had been hauled off by the guards against his will, complaining he could handle this. Artie's guard had lost track of him and couldn't find him. So Artie was the most trained on site. Which sucked greatly. He picked up his father's axe from his office and nodded, turning to hike out to handle this. He kept his father's manta of 'this shit sucks but it's better than death' in mind for now.

A few guards gave him dirty looks but oh well! "You didn't let the other trained one handle it so well, hell, it's my turn I guess," he said bitterly. He cut the first demon and it screamed. He smirked at the staring ones. "What? Did you think he didn't have me trained, beings? Really?" A few ran but he worked against the rest.

By the end he was a shaky, dirty mess. He looked at the hallway then at the guards. "Perhaps my father can be let go of now so he can handle any others? Since that's actually his *job*." One of the guards flinched.

"He's the president. It's not his job, kid."

"He's a hunter, it is his job," Artie shot back. "The same as he never wanted me to have to take it up." A very evil, high ranking demon showed up so he looked at her. "What?" he demanded. "I'm nagging them for locking my father in a vault!"

"Awww, you're losing your cool," she sneered.

He smirked. "Not hardly. Not because of you. You're just another dilemma to solve." She attacked magically but he was protected from that and beat her to death with the axe. Then he beheaded her. "Hmm. Nastiness I did not want to participate in." He glared at the guards, who all backed away from him. "Now, where is my father, the blessed hunter sort?" One of the guards yelled and attacked him so he beheaded him too. "Hmm. Another bit of nastiness. This shirt will never come clean." He walked over the body. "Shall we go find my father now?"

"Son," Xander yelled, jogging up the hallway. "Oh, shit." He looked. "That's Bethesda's overlord."

"She showed up to be evil, Dad." He handed over the axe when his father yanked on it. "Then that one attacked me." He waved a hand. "This outfit needs to be burned."

Xander hugged him. "We can do that later together." He got his son calmed down. "C'mon. Let's get you into a shower and comfy jammies. Let the ones who didn't stop anything, even with the training, clean up the mess."

Artie looked at him. "Why are you injured?"

"Um...a few wanted me gone too. Pity." He walked his son off. "C'mon. Shower time. Then maybe a drink. A single drink."

"Maybe later. When I can't sleep." He frowned at his hands. "I think I'm going to use most of the hot water available."

"I did too, kiddo. We can talk after you're in jammies." Artie nodded, holding it together until they got to his bathroom and there was no way anyone was going to see him break. Xander hugged him again, letting him cry and get it all out. Then he got him into a shower and went to find his phone. It wasn't up there. He didn't have it.

He called instead. "Delores, it's Xander," he said dryly. "Get someone important up here to help clean up the mess my son had to make thanks to the guards having *plots*. Thanks." He hung up and made something to drink, non-alcoholic because his son was underage and he'd need that later.
Artie came out in flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt, then slid into shoes. You couldn't wander around the white house in bare feet. Or pajamas but for right now it was necessary. "I called Delores. She'll get someone up here soon enough. Until then we're staying in here. If they try to doctor the cameras we'll handle it."

"That's fine. DC's slayer hates me but sure."

"She's spoiled," he agreed. He handed him his mug of cocoa, getting a weak smile back. "I didn't want you to ever have to do that."

"I know, Dad. And it sucks greatly that I did. I lost my calm and I turned into you for a minute I think." He sipped. "Hmm. Cadbury's. You dug out the good stuff." He took another drink and sat down to pout and seethe at himself. "I'm an idiot," he said finally, looking up.

"I've had that feeling after many battles. Not after the first one, because I was in shock."

"Shock? From the staking?"

Xander sighed, sitting next to him to cuddle him. "I told you about Jesse once."

"A few times, yeah."

Xander nodded. "He was turned."

"You told me that's why you hunt."

"Yeah and I'm the one who ended up staking him. Mostly by accident but yeah. My first staking." Artie pulled back to look at him. Xander nodded, swallowing hard. "It sucks greatly. But I couldn't let anyone else do that. The same as I didn't want you to ever have to do that."

"Thankfully none of my friends thinks vampires are cool." He cuddled again. "Yeah, that'd put you into shock." He snuggled in again, finishing both cups of cocoa before a guard got up there. They knocked then walked in. "Hey," Artie said with a wave. "Did you finish doctoring the video footage already?"

"They wanted the prophecy of you becoming a hunter to come into being."

Artemis sat up, staring at him. "I'm already a hunter, even before today. I just didn't *have* to until today. And the ones who tried to take out my father should probably never show up as living again. I believe that's treason."

"We know there was a wish," he sneered.

"Well, yeah. Because Dad thought the idiot lawyers wouldn't be *that* stupid. Pity he was wrong. Doesn't change anything." The guard tried to attack him so Artie threw his knife at him. "Dude, did you think either of us was unarmed? Even up here? I mean, I have sex armed. So does Dad." He waved. "I've fucking had enough." His father laughed. "Seriously."

Xander patted him on the back. "I know. Me too."

Artie looked at him. "Press?"

"I think I'm going to sit here."

"I think I'm going to drag you down there so they can treat you."

"They could be just another ploy, son."

"Probably." He considered it then used the planning skills he had learned. His role models were both great planners. So yup. He nodded once then got up to get redressed in a nice suit. "C'mon, Dad."

"I..."

Artemis hauled him up, finding the injury and replacing the old bandage with something better. Then he hauled him to the emergency ladder and got him down it, then to the rose garden. That was actually cloaked by magic right now. The escape ladder too. Thankfully they could turn back on the cameras by hand as they walked past one. Artemis handed his father to a witch.

"Do not harm him farther? I'd hate to be an orphan," he said with a wicked smirk. "Who knows how evil I'd be. After all, he did say I'd be Andrew's protégé and had me model myself after an evil genius." The witch moaned but took Xander with her. He waited to catch his breath then nodded and went inside, grabbing his father's sword and guns from his office.

He headed for the press room. One guard tried to stop him so he shot him. "No, not today, darling." He walked into the press room and got into the computers, showing them what had happened. "Dad's with the coven. He's badly injured and I know I can't trust a single one of you or them." He waved his free hand around.

"As of this moment, the white house is locked down. Slayers only inside and the VP so he can assume the duty. If more agents show up they'd better be able to prove I don't have to protect my father from them." He strolled off. "Anyone who disputes that can come take this sword from my dead hand as I prove my blood tells who I am."

The press people were showing all that and calling in reports. The VP was being hidden right now. He didn't want to be in danger. Artemis had one of the slayers go pull him out of hiding. The man was old, weak, and a politician. He was pretty worthless at anything at the moment. Artemis glared at the general who showed up first. "Here to try to take my father's sword from me?"

"No, kid. Where is he?"

"With the coven. So I'm hoping safe."

The general looked at him. "You're a young kid, Artemis. Let us handle this?"

Artemis grinned. "You apparently didn't hear the better gossip, General Alamanda. I'm actually Dad's clone. The demon who wanted me to come into being, and his cocksucker presidential friend that made sure of it, made sure I'm his actual clone." He smirked. "He just wanted me to be happier than he was." The general looked alarmed. "So yeah, unless you're here to help me protect the people here, or to evacuate the normals, or to try to take my father's sword from me, I don't care."

The general nodded. "Let me work on the civilian evacuation. I know they're sheltered in place." He called that in and more agents showed up. A few were half or full demons but they all nodded at Artemis, getting a nod back. Delores, the DC slayer, showed up with the VP in handcuffs. The general looked at them as they got out of the car. "Slayer Delores?" he asked.

"His plan. He wanted his favorite uncle's plan to go through so he could take it over." She handed him over with a smile. "Where's the little brat?"

"Artemis is in the hallway by the garden doorway. He's done more than most of us have today. Leave him be," the general ordered. She snorted. "He has. You should see the film." He walked the VP off to tell the agents, who could verify it and handle the arrest.

Artemis opened the door for the Speaker of the House. "Yes, Representative Franks?" he asked dryly.

"The VP was arrested. It's my job, Artemis."

"All right then. Let's get you near the office." He walked him that way. "People." They stared and one came to get the chief of staff to start that process. The guy was locked in his closet and not coming out. Artemis had to pick the lock for them. Then he stared at the man. "Dad's with the coven. The VP is under arrest for this plot. The Speaker's here." He got out of the way. "I've already solved the bad things." He walked off.

"I'll get someone to do the temporary take over orders," the Chief of Staff agreed. "I saw it on the news since I had my phone."

Artemis smiled coldly. "As someone said, we do what we must when must needs." He let out a small bow then went back to guarding people.

The temporary president came out after the emergency swearing in. "Lock the white house down, and congress," he ordered. "Until the actual president comes back, no one in or out unless necessary. Including his son who I'm sure is grounded."

Artemis looked at him. "No, we were having cocoa and talking about how I had to turn into my father and then had to take a life for the first time. I haven't heard from the coven but they really don't like either of us."

The slayer looked over. "He should be fine. They're ethical."

Artemis looked at her. "Since when?" She rolled her eyes. "Wow, if only you knew," he said dryly. "Go handle the rest of the emergency going on? I'm sure the locals are panicking." She huffed but went to do that. He looked at the president, shrugging. "This sucks greatly but I made it longer than Dad did before he picked up a stake at least." He walked off again. "I'm getting something to drink then I'll go back to the weak spot in our defenses."

"Fine, kid." The president looked at the guards. "I want to know what happened and have anyone still living in front of me begging within hours. I do not want Xander to show up to a new threat." They nodded, going to handle that for him. He looked at the general. "Back the kid up."

"I'm sending some people to do that, sir." He got his teams in to help.

Xander showed back up but he was clearly out of sorts. Or possessed. His son splashed him with holy water, getting a smirk for that. Artemis nearly ran from that look. "Son."

"I'm doing what you would."

"With more class but not your job."

"Fuck it, they're threatening our lives, Dad."

"True." He gave him a hug and a new gun. Artemis looked at it then put it into his waistband. "Let me go reappear."

Artemis looked at him. "Dad was injured on the other side, shape changer." The demon changed back. "Is Dad not all right?"

"He's highly injured, in a UK hospital, the same one he found out he was pregnant in, and won't probably wake up for a few hours. The witches got him evacuated there instead of treating him." Artemis grimaced but nodded. "He'll be fine. We're fairly certain no one's going to let him die because we don't want to see him taking out the PTB."

Artemis smiled. "Some of us would adore that."

"Yes but they don't want to make the slayers happy." He disappeared.

Artemis looked at the general staring at him, shrugging some. "So now we have an update at least."

"Let me tell the others. That hospital?"

"Middle England up by where Shakespear's from."

"All right." He went to report that. Artemis was still holding himself up but if he was really the clone of their president they'd never know if he had to break down. Even if he lost his father.

***

Xander got out of the helicopter and nodded at the guards, saluting them back. "I'm fine. Now. Missing my spleen but pretty decent." He walked into the white house and the pro-tem president hopped up. "Hola, Barty."

"Xander." He shook his hand. "Your son's an asshole."

He grinned. "Only the best genes."

"We heard."

Xander shrugged. "I thought everyone already knew." He looked over as his son walked in. "You good?"

"Few nightmares. This shit sucks, to put it genteelly."

"Yeah, it does." He gave him a hug, making Artemis finally relax. "We'll talk in a bit. I'm on couch rest for another two days." He looked at his replacement. "I am back however."

"That's fine. Did you get briefed?"

"Yup." He nodded. "Which sucks. I needed to kick his ass months ago." He walked off with his son. "I'm back and on couch rest," he bellowed, his usual way of telling the whole staff things. "The son and I are going to go talk. Keep it locked down please." A nearby soldier nodded at that, calling that order in. "Thank you, Corporal." They went to their suite and settled in to talk and help Artemis not have to do that again unless the world was ending.

***

Artemis looked at the agent there to annoy him today. "Yes, did you need something?"

"Mr. Harris, I heard about your father's role models for you. We can make sure you live up to the standards of one."

Artemis looked at him. "I'd never join the CIA. They're unethical."

"Do you have legal standing as a clone?"

"Yes. And I was born." He smirked. "That one president made sure of it." The agent stepped back with a grimace. "Frankly, I'm going to let you talk to the person behind you about that." He turned and got punched in the face. "Thanks, Zombie Aunt Willow."

"Welcome. Where's your father this time?"

"Nagging people in a classified briefing about what went on." He looked at her. "Office." He pointed. She went that way. The magic keeping her alive at least hid how dead she was. And her dead body smell. Artemis went back to reading. A Secret Service guy leaned out so he waved a hand. "Aunt Willow cold cocked that CIA agent who thought I'd go work for them. Do have fun with him."

"I can do that, kid. Your father?"

"Meeting?" He looked over. "He should be in a meeting."

"Let me make sure he's not still napping."

"He was awake earlier. Didn't go back to bed." He put up his book and headed for their suite. No father. He sighed in relief. He did not want to walk in and find him dead on the couch. He went to the office, getting guards in his way. "People are looking for dad."

"He's in there, sir."

"Fine. Thanks." He walked off. One tried to stab him in the shoulder and neck area but he fought him off and got him instead. "Really? How charming. You messed up my clothes." He straightened himself out and walked off. "How annoying."

"You're just a faulty clone," the other guard sneered.

"It's sad you didn't hear that back when it was first relevant." He waved without looking back. "Everyone knew why I was born and this new plot won't work either. I'll just turn evil, boys." He shot a smirk back before walking through a doorway into another hallway. He snuck to his father's office, finding him alive and a few who weren't. "Hmm. I had to get two from the hallway. Did Willow find you?"

"What did the zombie witch want?" Xander asked him.

"To check on you I think."

"I'm fine." He looked down. "They tried to make sure I wasn't. I should have another kid. Just to freak people out."

Artie hugged him. "I'd make a fanatically fussy older brother." He looked at the intelligence people. "So how many more are there going to be? I had to fight against someone who was CIA until the witch knocked him out for me."

"We're a bit worried about why you were created," one said.

Artemis sat on the arm of his father's chair. "There were two crackhead plans. One, the former president, wanted me to be born so he could have a powerful sacrifice, figuring that Dad's hellmouth taint went into me during my carrying. He was found and stopped before I was born and his wish was greatly denied, but a few of those lawyers wanted it as well. And his nephew apparently."

That got a few sighs and nods. "The other, the PTB thought my father being a dad would slow him down and make him retire." He smirked. "They found that plan overthrew things and they Xandered their own plans as I've heard it called." His father patted him on the leg. He grinned at the not-his-father. He checked his pulse then his eyes. "When?" he demanded.

"I'm not a zombie."

"No but you're also not my father."

"He's resting in a quiet room with the healers. I'm his LMD, son."

"Ah." He looked at the agents again. "Andrew created him then." They groaned. Artemis smiled at them. "Aren't you glad we're not a monarchy? Otherwise I'd have to take over today." He got up and walked off, heading to go hide in their hidden apartment in town. He'd be found when the problems were done. Or he'd go into hiding for real and travel like his father had. Though he did appreciate suits more than he did jeans and t-shirts. His father had made sure of that.

Thankfully he woke up to find his father snoring in his bed and alive, healthy, and ready to go kick some ass. Including his for being so mouthy.

***

Someone tried something stupid so they were in front of a judge to determine if Artemis could be counted as a real person. They were in his chambers so they could block out the press heaving hissy fits. Xander was staring at the other side's defense, who were going on and on about unnatural things and forbidden by law. Xander looked at the judge when it was his turn.

"Your Honor, I'd like the other side to sit down first. Before they pass out from their breathless huffiness. And because they're going to start screaming in a minute." The judge scowled but waved a hand so they sat with huffs of irritation. "Okay, first. I did give birth. By c-section." He undid his shirt to show off the scar.

"He came out the same hole the geeks made to put the uterus structure in." He handed over the notes from the geeks. "On the plan that got me kidnaped from Africa by some evil idiots, infected with fake body structures, and then made pregnant with a fertilized egg.

"Apparently the huffy people over there don't know how cloning works either. Also in there is the information on *who* started that plan, who they all seem to revere. Which makes this very odd to me." He looked over. "I've also brought in two doctors who can testify about how that works. One's still in cuffs because he was partially responsible for that implantation of the uterine structure. The other is a well known GYN who has dealt with cloning ideas in the past for IVF using my case as a standard."

The judge looked that over. "This group?"

"Oh, I had a true fit of epic proportions that even the teenage girls I was working with thought was excessive." He smiled. "When I woke up the agent made sure I was the comic book geek my file said I was and then compared them to the comic book villains AIM. Which was about right."

The judge shook his head. "Very weird." He looked at the notes from the first hospital and the ultrasound picture. "This DVD?"

"The reporter that came in to view it, Your Honor. We let one come in to view it after the first pictures were looked at so no one could say things like this. She's rerun it a few times in the last few days."

The judge nodded. "I see you were implanted with a uterus structure. There was an embryo implanted, which turned out to be your clone. He was carried and there's no delivery records?"

"I gave birth with a healer in a demon Goddess' temple in Africa so we were safe. Goddess D'Nar's healer did that. Cut over the same scar and all that. The informal records and pictures should be in there." The judge looked and found it, nodding at that.

"How did they handle the hormone differences, Mr. Harris?"

"I had a small ball of implanted hormones that were time released. That got removed with the child as it was next to his water sack."

"Oh. All right."

"Which they do with IVF in dangerous pregnancies these days thanks to my case."

"I was not aware of that." He kept reading, frowning. "Oh, he did sponsor that and refuse you the right to terminate. Interesting." He sighed. "So, beyond the fact that he was a cloned cell brought in to grow, it was a fairly routine pregnancy outside the fact you're a male." He looked up then at the others. He handed over part of the file. "On who sponsored it." They read and threw a fit, stomping off to finish it in the hallway. The bailiff took the papers to hand back. "How does that work?"

Xander pointed at the doctor behind him. "Sir, cloning works by taking a donated egg cell and replacing the nucleus with the cell entrails from the original cell. It's sucked out and then replaced. Which prompts it to start to split like a normal embryo," the doctor said as he stood up. "It's been done thousands of times to make new plants, new sheep, all that. We've been able to do that since the last 80's. There was a sheep back then."

"So it was implanted like a normal embryo for him to carry?"

"Yes. He was nice enough to let us do a lot of testing and watching over the pregnancy to see if anything could help others, which has led to some help with difficult carrying cases. I have no idea when they took the cell structures they grew into a uterus."

Xander frowned, considering it. "Two months earlier I had malaria," he said, looking at the doctor. "So I'd guess then but further back? Probably would've been something like the most disgusting project ever that the Army sent into Sunnydale. That's classified but they did a lot of wacky science things like trying to use demon cells to regrow organs. With the demon taint I had at that time they probably would've considered it easier anyway."

"What demon taint?" the judge asked.

"I got exposed to mermaid blood, Your Honor. I carry a two chromosome difference than most humans after being detoxed and all the other demon blood I got hit by during battles."

"When the same people tried to recreate the project, they couldn't due to the that taint and the latent magic he carries," the OB/GYN said. "Which is when they finally got ended. Which is why the other doctor is in chains and waiting to answer questions."

Xander nodded. "I offered to write a letter saying he did cooperate at this point to his parole board but I also know that won't help him any at the moment. He's got ten more years before he's up for parole."

The judge nodded. "Which isn't unheard of." He went back to the notes. "So outside the fact that he was forced to carry his son and was kidnaped to be experimented on, there was nothing out of the ordinary?"

"No, Your Honor. We heard some mythical higher ups had ideas."

"The PTB, over the slayers, thought it'd be *great* if I retired due to him," Xander quipped with a smirk for his son then the doctor. "Then they realized it made me more militant and a bit more mean. I ended up taking out fourteen higher beings that weren't good for anyone due to mood swings and being angry about being pregnant. I stopped years of plans thanks to that. I negated nine books of prophecies by being mad." He smiled. "I'd only done three books at once in the past. I was very proud of that accomplishment."

The judge looked at him oddly then shook his head. "So." The other side came back in. "Are you back?" he asked sarcastically.

"Sorry for that, Your Honor. We needed a quick recess." The lawyer took the other pages to look through and groaned. "Why was not this not known?"

"It was," the doctor said. "We announced it in the press, in the journals for peer review and to let others work with the ideas, and everyone knew as far as we knew. I was a resident then and I had heard thanks to a journal. We went over it in class."

"The US intelligence people knew because they were the ones that rescued me," Xander quipped. "I'm sure they talked. Especially when I had to face down the demonic lawyers over him because that former president had hired them to represent his ideas so he could sacrifice my son for power.

"Which is when I made the wish to become president and have their status and money if they did something to threaten my son's life or me raising him enough that his aunts would have to take over. They did that thanks to a plan that got us a small invasion and me put into the hospital for three weeks. Boom, the wish was activated. Which was rather stupid of me but I was a week post birth and that was about the only way I had of protecting myself and my son from those stupid lawyers."

The judge nodded. "I agree, it's a stupid thing but very protective. Which lawyers?"

"Wolfram and Hart, Your Honor. The same ones that caused the LA invasion that got the slayers noticed."

"Oh, them. Charming!" He went back to the records. "So he's a real little boy, they just decided you'd be the only parent. I find that he's born a bit weirdly but any child born by IVF could be said to be the same way I suppose. The cloning's illegal in this country but they apparently did it in the UK so got around that, even though the former president funded it and pushed for it against the laws.

"He was probably intending to use it to declare the child a not-human so he could sacrifice it without worry and make it look bad on the slayers for having irregular children." He considered it then nodded once. "Fine. He's a real little boy and he deserves all the rights and responsibilities of real little boys." He looked at Artemis, who looked very nice today. "From what I've seen he does that most of the time and the rest he's a teenage boy."

"I did raise him to be a better man than I am," Xander admitted. "He'll probably never outright go after a terrorist group."

"Hopefully he won't have to," the judge agreed. "Ever." He looked at the other side. "I find your arguments really ridiculous. Your idol that you built your group around caused the child to come into being. Are you trying to sacrifice him too?"

"He does have energy they can use for that," that lawyer said. "But no we would not be, Your Honor."

"Yeah, for that I have to be a blood and sexual innocent," Artemis said. "You guys made sure I lost one the other day and the other I lost a bit ago just in case something like this came up." He smirked. "And hellmouth taint, I'm pretty sure you can go find a way to suck some up if you wanted to sacrifice for energy." The lawyer moaned but shook his head.

Xander patted him on the back. "You weren't a fit sacrifice once you were born, Artie. You came out with my energy taint and a lot of magic that had to get stripped from you. It would've prevented any sacrifice and backlashed on whoever tried and it tainted you enough that even if they had managed it, they would've been uselessly standing there when I found them.

"I checked on that after you didn't let me sleep for a few days in a row and I nearly sacrificed you. We were having a talk in a café and a demon healer told me that was normal for kids and why it wouldn't work anyway. She was very kind to soothe your colic for a few days."

Artemis looked at his father then sighed and shook his head. "Now I'm warned in case my own children do that." He swatted his grinning father on the arm but got one back for it. "Maybe I'll take my suave skills to Europe to go to college since you're insisting."

Xander nodded. "I am. You're going to have a brighter future than I did. Even if you might like construction work on the side, I don't want you to have to struggle in a low paying, body wrecking job." He looked at the judge.

"That's what we all hope for our children, to have better lives than we did," the judge agreed. "I find their suit without merit." He banged his gavel. "Have fun in the white house, Misters Harris."

"I try but they keep me from having too much fun," Xander quipped. He walked out with Artemis under his arm, smiling at the press people that flocked to see them. "People, don't mug the son. He'll have to flirt with some of you." A few of the reporters giggled at that.

Artie grinned at them. "You guys can have some fun following me around when I go to college in europe. I'm told they have neat clubs over there." He frowned, looking around. "Dad, let's get you to the car before whoever that guy with the gun on the building is shoots you."

"Yeah, we probably should. Apparently I have to talk to the secret service guys too." He looked around then nodded as they walked off together. "Maybe I'll replace them with some hired demon warriors. They'd be just as uptight and as strong willed."

His son looked at him. "It'd keep someone from sacrificing me but I doubt they'd let either of us get loose in a club, Dad."

"I'm too old for that, kiddo." He opened the door and let his son get in then climbed in after him. Then out. "People, my driver seems to be dead," he announced. A few officers came running over. He sighed, looking at his son. "Hell."

Artemis climbed out nodding at that. He pushed back his carefully coifed hair. Then it got messed up when someone tried to shoot his father so he had to shove him out of the way. He looked up and pulled a gun, getting them back. Xander had done the same thing from the ground. The sniper fell off the building and went splat on the car's hood. Artemis helped his father up. "Hmm. Interesting." He looked at his father. "You good?"

"I'm going to beat your ass, son. That's my job to protect the both of us."

"Well, not always." He smirked at him. "Can't have the president die when the people supposed to stop it are faulty and missing somewhere. Anyone seen his guards?" he asked the reporters, who all shook their heads. "Huh." He checked his gun then put it back. "I'll clean that once I get somewhere I can do so."

Xander put his own back. "True. We might need them before we find a cleaning kit." He looked around then nodded once. "We're nineteen blocks from the white house. Or three from congress."

"Let's go to congress, get the police there to bring us home?" Artie guessed.

"Sure. Let's do that. We can interrupt them complaining about something again. They've spent the last two weeks doing that."

Artemis smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "They want to spare you more work, Dad. More than they did Clinton."

"I never lied about inhaling or any lovers," he quipped. "So they probably have more important things than me having been kidnaped and tortured." He grinned at one female reporter who groaned. "Morning sickness is torture and I had four months of it thanks to his tiny ass. That's why I went on a vendetta hunt against that group during a mood swing."

He walked off with his son, talking about his son's education problems. They really had to pick a new school for him. He could home school but he was bored at the white house. There wasn't a lot for kids to do there but stare at the guards being idiots on duty. Which Artie excelled at because he found each one and made videos of them to post online. The head of the secret service had politely asked him to stop that. Twice. Then he finally fired people.

Artemis had an idea on schools he might like to attend. One was an all girls school but he pointed out he'd be safe there, women were evil and vicious when they wanted to be so they could protect him and he'd be a true gentleman and never touch one that didn't ask him to. His father patted him on the shoulder with a grin for that idea. A few of the reporters giggled at that. Artie looked at one with a smirk. "I am sixteen." She shivered.

"Son," his father sighed. "Let's not give them hope of an early marriage thanks to an accidental pregnancy." He patted him on the back again. "I'd hate to sell you to marriage at gunpoint but I would."

"Dad, I know everything about condoms. Zombie Aunt Willow made me do a fifteen page paper on the subject of birth control that men could use so they protected themselves and their failure rates, their benefits against STD's, and how to use them subtly in case she was a wallet hunter."

"I know. It was a good paper. Few spelling mistakes though." His son sighed but rolled his eyes. "I know she died around then so didn't care too much about grammar. If I give you a sibling you can polish that and the other papers she had you write so they can read them." He grinned. "The second kid is always more spoiled than the first."

"That's fine. Maybe you'll have a girly little girl who loves pink and shops. You can have Elle be her heroine and role model."

"Or LEPrecon agent Short," he quipped back. "Any daughter of mine would need to be able to kick some butt when necessary but should have the same level of manners you have. And I'm proud you have more manners than I ever did."

"I never had to look at a president and tell him to quit bitching, Dad. You had to do that to three of them. I couldn't have handled that without losing my cool." His father hugged him but nodded. They made it to Congress, found two agents waiting with a car. "Oh, look, they *can* drive," Artemis said dryly. "And show up for things."

"Son," his father sighed. "Though true, it's rich boy snotty."

"Point. Sorry, gentlemen. Bit peeved that he nearly got shot because there were no agents with us for the last three days." They winced. "Let's go home so I can clean my sidearm. Shall we?" The guards nodded, getting them into the car and speeding them back. They had to meet with Congress, who was upset.

Artemis listened then looked at one. "Are you that far out of the loop, dear?" he asked her. "Everyone knew that when I was being carried. The former president went on three different news stations to announce his plan was going forward and he was demanding that I be carried to term and not terminated.

"He put out some bullshit prophecy thing to do that but he went on three different news stations. They interrupted a baseball game in the world series to televise it." She shuddered, shrinking away from him. He smiled a bit. "I'm the same asshole teenage boy I was before. Only now you know that I only had one parent instead of two lending me DNA thanks to a comic book worthy group of terrorists and a former president. It's not *our* fault you didn't pay attention. Quit trying to make it our fault."

"He could give it up and go away," she sneered.

Xander laughed. "Yes I could and I've thought about that many times. Just so I don't have to deal with your bullshit." Xander smirked at the others, who shrank away from him. "Of course, the next in line," he said with a hand wave. "Won't put up with you either. And he's been doing this so long that his seat has specially worn out areas to fit him best. They named an office wing after his family; there's not even one for the Kennedys.

"You won't win. Ever. I grew up dealing with snotty, determined young women who had ideas and braindead moments to try to cover them up." He smirked. "I'm pretty sure if I could survive six months in a house with thirty-one teenage slayers, sixteen uptight watchers, a geek, a vampire, a teenage girl who wasn't a slayer, and one bathroom I can deal with your ass until you give up and go home."

"Dad, you lived in Cleveland with over a hundred of the slayers, of all ages down to sixteen months, and six bathrooms that they shared and your suite they tried to take over for over a year."

"I wasn't going to scare her, son." The speaker of the house coughed, shaking his head quickly. "Before I went to Africa to have a latrine I dug myself to my own." He smiled. "Are any of you tougher than a high school class's worth of teenage girls?" They groaned. "It's nice you can explain your differences but I had nothing to do with Artie coming to be. I woke up pregnant after being tortured." A few slumped. "And I'm not going to fix him now. Someone has to carry on having sense when I die and I sure can't depend on a watcher for that."

Artemis smiled at him. "Even though there's a lot of prophecies saying I'd start a cult of hunters, I don't think I want to join the Council, Dad. I'd have to nag back. It'd ruin my suits."

"Yes it does. Slime will ruin everything you own eventually." He looked at the congress members again. "What were you hoping for?"

"We can impeach you."

"You have no reason to."

"You lied about him being a normal kid," she said with a point at him.

"He is a normal kid. I gave him good role models, ethics, all that. And the judge said earlier he was a real little boy. So you've already lost there." She got up with a scream and tried to attack Artemis, who held her against the wall casually while she struggled. "Son, nice work. Need cuffs? There's some in my bottom desk drawer."

He pointed then got them for his son, who looked at the leather cuffs then used them with a shrug. The woman was sobbing on the floor. Both Harris guys sat down and stared at the others. "Are there other problems you want to try?" Xander asked. "Because it's been a shitty week and I'm about to call up my ex that runs parts of Russia to get a blowjob from him. It's collusion but not really since I'd never give him anything but head."

A few looked sick at that. Xander smirked. "It got me weapons for years because you guys never supported the slayers. How else did we get bigger weapons we needed? And it was really stress relieving, which is why I kept in touch with the better lovers among them." Someone knocked and stomped in wearing ceremonial armor. "Yes, dear? How's your mom? I haven't seen her in weeks."

"She's good, President Harris, but we heard you needed true warriors to guard you and your son." He nodded at Artemis, who smiled and waved a bit. "We would be worthy?"

"I think you guys are so we'll work out a fee structure later for two guards on each of us at a time?"

"That's fine. My mother would be proud of us and sent her greetings, and to spank the boy because he's too cute and girls would like him being pouty."

"It'd get me pounced," Artemis said dryly. "Which I'm not against but I am rather picky about my partners, temporary or otherwise. And of course I'll accept such excellent guards protecting my father. He has to last long enough to nag about becoming a grandfather some year in the future." He smirked at his father then at the guard, who grinned back. "Thank you for the offer. We know your warriors are excellent and well trained in even diplomacy. Are you considering multiple warrior cultures to interview or just your own?"

"I had not considered that but we will open it to other warrior cultures who want to join us," the warrior said with a nod. "Not a bad idea and it would lead to some peace, Son of the Knight." Artemis grinned at that name. "We can wait on your talk finishing. I'm sorry I interrupted. I heard the struggle." Artemis got the bimbo and handed her over to him. "Hmm. We've researched her." He carried her out to put her under true arrest instead of looking like she was submitting to the young Knight's attentions.

Xander grinned at the senators and then his son. "You want kids?"

"Some year I suppose. After I've dallied a bit, found a calling, all that." He waved a hand with a grin. "Someone's got to follow us."

"Point. We would need one. Just make it from *one* mother, son."

"Of course, Dad. I don't need multiple baby mamas. That's trashy." He settled in, dusting a spot of lint off his suit pants. Then he smiled at the senators. Who all were looking panicked at that very idea. "We can have a great heritage like the Kennedys did if we really work at it. They started off lower class too and look what they did with their raising children better than they started off."

The congress members shared a look then decided to leave them alone before Artemis had to make up evil plans. A few went to look up the role models the boy had said his father wanted him to have. A young teenage criminal genius and mastermind that was actually solving problems from the dark side? All but the genius and young part sounded more like Harris himself. The agent one...well, Artemis did take after him in manners, dressing, and skills. Now if only that agency was real so the boy could join up. Or the ones from those Kingsmen movies. He'd fit in very well there.

It came down to realizing how screwed they were with Harris in charge. It was about time to nominate someone against him. They had to find a strong opponent who'd look just as heroic and strong but leaned more their way. Which was apparently impossible at first glance. Unless they promoted a slayer and they were not allowed to serve in public office of any kind because it gave a hint of favoritism to a group of people instead of serving everyone. They couldn't even be mail carriers.

The demon warrior leaned in and Xander waved him over. "C'mon. Let's see how much this'll cost us. The Wolfram and Hart money is just sitting around making baby money that only goes to the son's tuition and his closet." He looked at his son then shook his head.

"And yours, Father. I'm bringing you to my suit shop tonight." He grinned at the warrior. "He needs to look nicer to get a better class of bad girl. Maybe this next one will be a spy. I liked the last one of those."

"She was sweet," Xander agreed, grinning about her. "Too bad she retired and got married." He smiled at the warrior. "How many volunteered?"

"Sixteen."

"That's a good group. Let's go over what they'll need to be able to do and how much you guys make." The warrior nodded, settling in to make that agreement. The head of the secret service would be pissed off but his people had failed on purpose.

"Father, remember, midterms are soon. They'll want an announcement of you staying."

Xander grimaced. "Must I?"

Artemis grinned and nodded. "Yes. To finish your work." He winked. "Before I have to come in when I'm old enough to do it myself. They'll complain but I can overcome most of that probably."

Xander looked at the warrior. "I gave him genius role models who could plan and protect themselves. I should've given him one that knit so he was less tough."

"We all want our spawn to not follow in our bad footsteps. Some day I'll hate to watch my own spawns take up my armor."

"I don't fit in Dad's armor. He's more bulky and I'm more muscular." He grinned. "But let me go find something to pad that in the kitchen. They wouldn't dare poison the sacred twinkies and ho-hos." He strolled off, nodding at his father's secretary. "Going for tasty snack cakes."

"That's fine, Sir." She blinked at him. "Oh, you, not your father."

Artemis grinned. "Of course not. His doctor told him to quit eating tasty snack cake goodness and tried to get a witch to enforce it. I'm younger and cuter. They think it'll hide the muscles." He strolled off looking casual. Everyone decided he looked like he fit in too well but that was how he was brought up.

It got rumors started about him fitting in some of the strangest places, like a leather club and a formal ball when he was fourteen, and with a group of guys out to hunt and fish one weekend. He had learned how to fish that weekend but otherwise they were good to treat him as one of them. There were many rumors about him and his skills but no one really wanted to see what was true. It was more fun to gossip.

Of course the kid took cooking lessons from the chefs. It was an important skill. He took lessons in many important skills. It just made the rumors all the more fun. Even his choice of first car, which was a modest sedan, got talked about. His father joked he had wanted a sports car but being sixteen the insurance was outrageous. Plus no sex in the car in a sports car.

His son had joked back that it was possible but uncomfortable and he didn't want something that was that obvious for later sexual intrigue. The nondescript sedan would do just fine - there was always a way around that block and at least it wasn't an obvious sex car like a station wagon or SUV could be. It fed a lot of people's appetites for scandalous rumors about the mini Xander and his ways.

The fact one of his girlfriends had gushed about his wooing her with paella and then french pastries made a few women swoon. And a few arms dealers drool. One even tried to get to the younger Xander but Artie evaded it with a wink and a smirk then faded into a sidewalk crowd. It had even lost his guard for a block or so.

All the gossips decided it was Artemis and his flirty, scandalous ways that had gotten Xander a second term as president and they all wondered if Artie was going to run when he was old enough. Or if he may go toward something spy-like, like his role models.

No one was ever sure what a Xander could do when he wasn't in a fight situation. Especially the mini Xander clone.

The End. I think.
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