New Housing Temples of Chaos. by Voracity2
Summary: Xander has to move to protect himself better. But he has more friends now, including ones who sneak in for some reason.
Categories: Buffy Stories & Crossovers > Avengers Characters: None
Series: Chaos GHS
Chapters: 2 Completed: Yes Word count: 18088 Read: 8620 Published: 11/08/2022 Updated: 11/08/2022

1. Part 1 by Voracity2

2. Part 2 by Voracity2

Part 1 by Voracity2
New Housing Temples of Chaos.







Xander huffed, staring at the house ideas his other selves had given him. He agreed he needed to move. He needed to be safer. But he could not find something he liked! Everything had been 'renovated' or 'updated' which meant covering any wood with paint and ruining anything good about the house while opening things.

He didn't want to have to unrenovate to get the beautiful details again. Or move to Long Island. He did not want to live out in the land of pretentious houses and people. They'd hate him just as much. He could live with a brownstone with the expansion charms. He just couldn't find one that wasn't ruined by the hipster living idiots who hated wood being wood colored and hated having walls for some reason.

He could go with Lavelle's plan for the house, the one from London, but he had no idea if he could do that here and if his trust fund would go for that. He had no idea about any money things really. It often went over his head. Would that work for his house? A bottom level of house just for storage might help a lot.

He looked at the most recent tacky present and sighed, then texted Agent Crill, his usual contact, and Agent Crispin at the same time. They could be not happy about it together since Crill was just back from his gallbladder removal surgery. Then he went back to looking. He had no idea what to do with this house either. He'd probably have to sell it but did he want to do that to someone else? What if they got broken in on by the people who wanted him?

He looked at the one presently unconscious on his living room floor because he had brought that present. His robotic dog Frodo had run his fingerprints and found out who he was. He had no idea why the agent had wanted him that way.

Though he did ask Miami Xander if his August knew of him and got back a rant that the guy was an idiot of epic proportions. So Xander shared a picture of that present, making August have a sudden headache from his blood pressure. Which was probably mean of him so he had apologized and sent him apple pastries.

Someone knocked then leaned in. "Xander?" Agent Crill called.

"On the couch. The present giver's on the floor. The present's next to me. Come have fun with it."

Agent Crill walked in and stared at the guy then sighed and sent a request to get someone to gather him. "I can't lift yet."

"Sorry." He grimaced. "Are you better?"

"Yes. Mostly. It's all healed but I'm on a new diet for now." He looked at the present. "Is it disarmed?"

"Yeah." He nodded. "I did that first. I have no idea why they sent me that." He handed him the card. "That was underneath it. Frodo said the fingerprints on it came back to one of the Court of Evil in Europe."

"Charming." He read it then sighed, looking at the device again. "What even is that?"

"It's a jeweled belt with a cockring and buttplug but there was an explosive in the plug." He grinned. "Not even a great one."

"It'd still probably kill someone."

Xander nodded. "Yeah and I have a list I could use it on."

Crill patted him on the arm. "It'll be okay. What's on your plate this week?"

"The me in Miami thought I should move before they attack here again. I can't find anywhere though. Nothing that still has wood and walls and what I want."

"That's a problem in New York," Crispin said as he walked in. He stared at the guy. "Why are you delivering presents?"

"August said he's an idiot of epic proportions and had a headache thanks to him and the present he brought."

Crispin nodded. "So do I." Xander grinned. "Looking at their idea to move?" Xander nodded. "Nothing?"

"It's all been ruined by renovating hipsters who hate walls and wood."

"That sucks," Crill decided. "So you'd have to move everything."

Xander nodded. "If I could move this house there...."

"No," Crispin sighed. "Make the new one yours."

"Lavelle wanted me to take the idea he used in London where he had three townhouses together to make a safehouse."

Crill blinked. "The one that's a thief?" Xander grinned and nodded. He showed him the pictures Lavelle had given him for design inspiration. "Is that an escalator?"

"His knees were shot."

"Oh." He flipped through. "The bottom level is rooms?"

"Storage. A lot of stuff he stole and a meditation room." He grinned. "He had a room of statues."

"That figures," Crispin said, coming over to look. "Huh. That's huge. Three townhouses?" Xander nodded. "Nice area. You could definitely use it." He patted Xander on the head. "Let me take that guy in before he wakes up. We can amuse Hill with the device." Crill took the present, Crispin took the delivery agent, and they went back to the office to complain that someone rich wanted the kid. Again.

***

Xander walked up to someone and kissed him on the cheek. "Your butler forwarded a message to me." He smiled. "I have no idea why. I'm totally in the weeds this week. Let me go make someone sorry for sending me an explosive cock cage and buttplug with jewels." He walked around him and went to find that one, smarming him with hormones.

The guy shouted and tried to fight off people. "What? Don't like it happening to you? Not like *I* want it either. I'm going to sell the tacky present you sent me. All but the explosive part. I've got a good use for it." He walked off again, heading out to go somewhere else to get home.

"Well," Helmut Zemo said dryly, sipping his drink. He smiled at that moron. "Do have fun with the hormones you stink of. I'm sure it'll be enlightening." He walked off, taking his wife from there before someone tried for her. Someone did try but he pulled a gun and they got out of their way.

They all knew he'd shoot them for upsetting his wife. Or him. He took her home so he could talk to his butler. "What did you forward?" He showed him the copy of that message and pictures of the presents. "What is that?"

"That is tacky, sir," the butler Oeznik said patiently. "I know he did not have a use for it but it would give him something to sell."

"Hmm. The explosive?"

His butler pointed. "That had an explosive but I removed it before I sent it on. There may have been a backup but I could not find it." He smiled slightly. "Don't want to risk the delivery people."

"No, that's reasonable. He smarmed Harman with his hormones." He smiled. "He's not happy with how people are now hunting him."

"Charming of him, sir. Is the wife all right?"

"Just fine and fairly amused. We'll have some entertainment tonight I suppose." He went to tell her what had been forwarded and about what had happened.

She stared at him. "I would have had an unmannerly fit," she told him. Then she smiled. "How does he handle that?"

"He's probably gotten worse."

"That poor man." He sent Xander a text message, getting back a series of photos. She took the phone to look at, staring at one thing. "What is that?" she demanded. She looked at the name of the giver. "Oh, dear, I had no idea he had that sort of bad taste. How...." She handed the phone back and walked off shuddering to find something to take that image from her head. "We are never talking to that person again."

"If we never talked to the ones who sent him presents we'd never see anyone socially," he called after her. "I find that disturbing but the decorated weapons are worse." He went to show her one of those. She gave him an odd look. "An RPG, dear." He smiled.

She looked and sighed then handed it back. "We know some people who need retraining in manners, class, and taste."

He nodded with a smile. "Yes they do. He's twenty-two, dear. He's trying to find someone to date so his hormones are kept down. These ones are offering their services in that area. Without seeing if he's interested in moving this way."

"They definitely need retraining," she assured him then kissed him on the cheek. "You should teach them that because you do have impeccable taste."

"I do, darling, because I picked you." She smiled and nodded, going to check on their son. He went to make plans on how to handle the tacky present guild Europe apparently had. They weren't even *new* money so therefore tacky. They were all from old money and had families that had class for generations.

"It's a shame how far some bloodlines have fallen." He shook himself and told his team about that so they could hear about any other presents being sent. They were amused at so many on their bad lists were horrible present givers. None of them were that bad at it.

***

Xander stared at the INTERPOL agent at the airport who had pulled him aside. "What now?" he asked.

"Sir, that could have that person you...attacked raped," he said quietly.

"Which is what he wanted to do to me."

The agent blinked. "What?"

Xander sighed. "I have a hormone condition. A very high output of pheromone and other hormones that make me smell like a wanted treat. Against my will."

"Okay."

"That one sent me explosive sexual materials so I'd come be his." He showed him the picture. The agent winced. "Exactly. He wanted me to be his concubine by force. The letter with that device said I'd wear it when I joined his family so I'd never stray. Most of the ones who have people like me hostage have castrated any males."

The agent winced again, but nodded. "Frankly, fuck him. Maybe that'll discourage him and others from trying to gain my attention and force me to go to them to be owned. He now knows what I go through daily. I hope he has fun with the same things he wanted to do to me."

"Is there not a cure or a treatment?"

"Some herbs that work every few months or it's dangerous. A lover who's very inventive or two probably at my level of problem." The agent nodded once. "I turned him down twice. Including one where he had me kidnaped from Dunkin Donuts. I've had enough with that guy and all his buddies that're trying. I hope they have fun and learn that lesson. If that upsets you, I'm sorry. Oh well but I'm sorry."

"No, I understand that, sir. What are you doing now?"

"Rescuing myself from Europe, again. The third time this month. It's really expensive so I'm selling their tacky presents to afford airfare this time."

"I would too. Do you have people who look out for you, a bodyguard?"

"It's been mentioned but not yet. I can't find someone. I have agents I report people like that to. They're in SHIELD."

"That's good to know. Do they have a good file on this?"

"Yeah." He grinned and nodded. "So does the State Department because they never kidnap me with my passport and ID." He choked down a wibble. "Sorry, it's been a long day."

"I realize that. Your flight leaves in about an hour. You could go to the bathroom for now."

"Then I'd have to deal with an asshole in the bathroom." He sighed. "Sorry, I..."

"Okay, let's get you somewhere safe for a few minutes. We have a few quiet rooms." He led him to one and let him cry or whatever he needed to do in there for a few minutes. He called SHIELD Europe to get that file. They didn't have it but SHIELD US did. They shared to both of them. The INTERPOL guy nodded as he read. This was bad and very sad in a lot of ways.

He shared with his people and they were not amused but it did explain a few very tacky presents that had been sent to the US. Xander came out, nodding in thanks. "Let's get you back to the gate. I've got the file from SHIELD. We're going to make sure it quits happening. That way we can help you get home." Xander nodded, giving him a quick hug but walking with him back to the gate.

INTERPOL was not going to be amused at all this. They hated people trafficking. They hated kidnaping across country borders. They'd hate all this. Especially with the ones who were interested in this young man. They weren't exactly nice people.

Though that may explain people they kept running into at certain raids. They really had to find out if there was a test to tell if they were one of them or one of the bad guys with bad ideas for the world.

***

Xander looked at his stored pile of bad presents, then sighed. Even the ones he had 'inherited' from the one in Miami weren't this bad. They weren't even sent by tacky demons. Though a few he hadn't realized he had. He frowned, looking at one.

"Which one sent you?" he muttered. He called Crill to ask that. He kept modest track of that stuff. "I have presents here that I haven't seen before?" He listened to how Zemo's people and INTERPOL had alerted them that some presents had been sent but never showed up. An agent had stolen them. So they had stopped that too.

"Oh. Sure. No, I need to sell stuff. I'm in a room full of presents from people who want me. Thanks, Crill." He hung up, staring at the mess. Then he got up to go find his banker through that portal. He stared at him. "I need to sell some of the presents to afford airfare again."

The dverger banker - goblin was an insulting word - looked up at him. "How many do you have not in your bank vault, Xander?"

"A whole bedroom full. I put them in the spare bedroom and they've taken over. Including the ones that Crill found someone had stolen on the way to get to me. Those I should probably send back with a turn down message in case I guess." He sighed. "How do I even do that?"

"We can bring someone to look at them for evaluation purposes. Most will probably be broken up."

"With how hideous some are? Good."

The banker smiled and nodded. "Indeed. I'll bring one in an hour or so." Xander nodded, going back to his house to make coffee and not look at the tacky mess. He got his jewelry people to go look at them. "Harris has too many tacky presents." They groaned but went with him. They found Xander was unconscious, someone was trying to steal him again, and the dogs were charging so not aware.

The bankers smirked at them and the people fled. They checked upstairs, getting the tacky presents back from their van that got stopped and driven back by some of their guards. It was truly a mess in that spare bedroom. The jewelry evaluation team blinked at the nastiness. "Indeed. Not even demonically given for the most part. Some came from the one in Miami who has the same problem." He went to wake Xander up, making him moan. "Xander."

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to use that word." He rubbed his head, sitting up. "I'm so sorry."

"It's habit," he said dryly. "Are you well?"

He looked at himself then at him, giving him a brief hug. "Thank you for having me rescued. I owe you guys a ton of favors. Beyond having to remove that word from my vocabulary."

"You were half asleep."

"I still shouldn't say it. I only swear, not use slurs, and that's wrong of me and I'm sorry I said that while I was half out of it."

The nearest guard looked at him. "That wasn't known?"

"No, in their books we're known by that word," the banker said. "Xander had no idea and when he found out, he asked for a proper name to use instead."

"We had no idea. You're doing good ignoring that word when you're awake, human."

Xander nodded. "I did not ever mean to insult anyone. Ever. I'm not like that."

"We realize that now. I'll let the head trainer know." He looked at the jewelry expert who came down with something. "Why did someone do that?"

Xander looked then at him. "The one of me in Miami who has the same hormone problem got that given to him."

The jeweler nodded. "He clearly did. Do you know how to disable it?"

"I wouldn't mind keeping the weapon but not the sparkly things on it." He took it to turn back off. "That's off again."

"Good." He went to put it back on the piles. "What is this silver used?"

"It's an off-world silver stuff." Xander got up to get a sample for him to test. "That's the same stuff. Once it's formed it's almost impossible to remake. It's used a lot in ceremonial armor in some demon courts. That Xander and a few others, like Xander Lokison, use that and the energy metal for things and told the rest of us."

"Energy metal?" Xander let them see that. "That..." The guard hummed. "That's interesting."

"Xander Lokison has lamps in his temple that are burning after a decade with just a tiny toenail clipping sized piece. That's what's in the lantern in the bank vault that I put up for Hovar runs on."

"That thing never needs more than dusted," the guard agreed. "We had wondered." He looked at his boss, who nodded he had too. "Are they hard to get?"

"Not that I'm aware of. We don't have as much off-world or demonic intervention on this realm though. Either of those Xanders could probably find you a good bit at a great price as neither's really expensive."

"We need to test that, see if it has other uses. What if we forged this energy metal into a weapon?"

Xander shook his head. "I wouldn't want to hit something with it. I have no idea if it'd explode." He got the problem manual and came back with it to look at anything on those. "This is all that we've written down about it. But I can call Xander Lokison. He may be bored." He went to find his cellphone, calling him as he walked back.

"Hey. It's me. The Dvergers who run the bank wanted to ask questions about that silver stuff and the energy metal. Do you know anything more on it? Have a book maybe? Or have a few minutes? Thanks, Xander!" He hung up. "He'll bring it over in a minute." He grinned. "He's a neat Xander. Very chill and cool about everything because he's seen worse."

The guard just nodded, staring at the god-being who walked through. "How did one of you do that?" he asked, sounding awed.

Xander winked. "I'm the son of Loki and a Hindu river Goddess." He grinned. "It's a natural gift." He let them have the book and bigger samples. "The energy metal lump was about three pounds when I got it. I've only used that much of it for a few things around the temple. Altar lamps and actual lamps that aren't electric. It confuses soldiers very much who want to ask if I made them with my powers."

The head banker nodded. "I can see why you would. This is still nearly two pounds."

"Yeah and I've been set up now for seventeen years." He grinned. "Very handy stuff. Bit more expensive but still about five hundred for ten pounds. The silver stuff is about a hundred a gram but most humans on my world only think it's pretty. It's lightweight and strong but not totally good enough for armor. I have some of the altar lamps made in it because some of the crafting gods wanted to look it over." He hugged the bouncy younger Xander. "You good?"

"Almost got stolen again. Hating the tacky present stuff."

He patted him on the cheek. "It sucks for you guys but you'll handle it. I know you will. We're all strong because we survived and you inherited that from us." He winked. "What else are you worried about? It looks like you want to twist your hair up in knots but it's not long enough."

"I really should move for my own safety."

"Yeah," Lokison agreed with a nod. "Not a bad idea."

"Lavelle suggested I do what he did with his safehouse in London, which was getting a few townhouses together to make one great house."

"That'd give you a lot more room and you'd have the areas for the gardens and pool easily set up again." Xander nodded, cuddling in. "And the library may be an actual room you only expand slightly." He cuddled him. "You'll do fine, mini me."

"I try. It's just...." He looked up. "I nearly got taken. Again."

"I get that. It sucks. You need to be safer and you definitely deserve a good boyfriend." He cuddled him. "We'll see what we can help with." Xander nodded, resting against him so he could sleep safely for a change. "Maybe I need to talk to some agents about a mutual stress relief society." He looked at the banking team with a grin.

"It's good he told us that word was a slur. None of us knew that. Even on the world where one of us is a cursebreaker and works with the bank a ton, none of us knew that. He walked up to his banker handler and swatted him on the arm then told him off for not telling him about that word being an insult. Then told him to take an extra ten percent of anything he brought in for a year to punish him for not knowing that. Then he went home to molest his Draco snuggly again."

"We had no idea that wasn't known there either," the banker said. "Though it is nice that one punished himself." He blinked a few times. "Very interesting."

Xander grinned. "Why be normal and average? We all hate being called normal." He winked. "I need to talk to SHIELD about finding him a good boyfriend."

"That could solve many of his problems, yes," the guard said with a nod. The jeweler came back down with another weapon for Xander to turn off but the other Xander did and rendered the others not working for another day. That got a smile and he went back to his notes. Then he brought down something to lay in front of the guard with a shudder before walking off.

Lokison looked. Then he sighed. "That garden gnome guy. As we found out, he's the one in Miami's version of the Joker from the comic books. That's a long-running 'urban' art installation set of his. He steals people's garden gnomes and then makes them twinkly to show the absurdity of urban lifestyles supposedly."

The banker and guard both looked at it then sighed. "The ones those are based on would be horrified."

"They'd probably hate how many of them sit in gardens that aren't really upkept," Lokison said. "They're like lawn flamingoes."

The guard shuddered. "They would feel very insulted."

Xander Lokison grinned. "I can send my mate Phil to apologize for that on our world. He's great at diplomacy stuff and been bored recently."

His mate appeared, staring at him. "Don't give me more work, Xander. It'll cut into my retirement."

Xander looked at him. "You're retiring, honey?" He grinned. "So we get to have some flying time?"

"I have to retire. Steve said I look too good to be my age and he's trying to retire in three years so no one should know about me at that time." He looked at the sparkly gnome then sighed, shaking his head. "Some people have bad taste."

"In Miami Xander's world, that's the guy who's the Joker in the comics." He smirked. "That's his 'urban' art project. He does the other sparkly weapons things to afford to do his own projects."

"That figures." He looked at the younger Xander then at him. "Where are his dogs?" Xander looked then pointed. "Oh, charging." He looked at his mate again. "What's he so worried about?"

"He needs to move for his own safety. Lavelle suggested he move somewhere like his London safehouse. He still needs a boyfriend. SHIELD didn't even appear to help him today."

"I can go stop that one," Phil said happily. "I do know the many ways SHIELD is broken on all realms." He disappeared, going there. He stared at Maria, who shuddered. He smiled at her. "Let's work on the organizational structure of your SHIELD, Agent Maria Hill. In my world you just had to retire, the same as I did, because the next group in would have had you killed by accident because you were old school."

"I hate those sorts."

"So do we. And the trainees that whine that we're mean for making them live up to standards." He let out a smug look. "So let's work on a few things for the mini Xander here. Shall we? Then we can reformat your group so it's efficient and effective."

"Please. Anything to do less paperwork."

"My version of you is about to become a grandmother. Though she doesn't know it yet."

"That poor woman." She shuddered again. "Nick's somewhere being rescued. Someone realized he smelled good."

"It's sweet that he has that same hormone problem and it's not controlled either. Your whole world is apparently against the natural cure?"

"I think that's just Fury not wanting to date," she admitted. "And your husband's little version not finding anyone." He smirked. She shivered. "Oh, no."

"Yes. Oh, yes. Let's look at things so we can fix your SHIELD before Nick interrupts. Some things have always bothered me about how we're run." He took her to do that, and his self from that realm came up to help when he heard the gossip that there were two of them around.

***

The two Coulsons looked at the agent interrupting them. "Yes?" they asked together in the same bland tone of voice.

"Why are there two of you?"

"I traveled. There's inefficiencies in SHIELD that will lead to problems." That one smirked. "I am the SHIELD of SHIELD after all."

"Is that like being the patron saint? Because we had that one world we visited where you had been dead."

"I'm not Catholic," Phil said dryly. "I got married into an Asgardian family actually. But yes, I am the God of Heros." He smirked. He let out a bit of his glow when the agent looked confused. That made the agent back up and run off. Phil waved. "Have a better day." He went back to the rule changes they really had to make.

"I still think that is a very odd thing," normal Phil Coulson from that realm said patiently.

Godly Phil smiled at him. "I got told I had to retire earlier today because I've been there so long and not changed enough. The next president hates things not in his little world view. Especially my mate. He tried to have the temple closed but he gave up after he woke up in another country after one attempt to storm it to burn it down. He was not amused to wake up in North Korea and they weren't pleased with it either but they heard why and decided he was an idiot. Which I do agree with."

"Charming. Hopefully he dies soon into his term so the VP can take over," the other Phil complained lightly.

"He's marginally better but just as," he cleared his throat, "uptight about his world view of what's not right. He wants to expel or kill all the demons in the country, even though they were there long before white people. He also cannot tell the difference between someone who isn't white and a demon." They shared a look. "Hope for the Speaker of the House."

"Gladly. They let that happen?"

"We're not to interfere in the progress forward of humanity. Will Loki allow that? I do not know. He doesn't want to be seen as the great evil." He sighed. "Though Gaia is very upset. Not sure how that'll work out. My Stark's moved out of the US with all his people. Just in case they come after him or the other Avengers members."

Coulson considered that. "Can I update ours to that problem?"

"Gladly." He created a file to hand over. Local, normal Phil read that over with a grimace. "Yes, quite."

"Oh, dear. Xander will need to hear too."

"He should claim conquest rights to some of the ones who're bothering him but that's not within the law." He smirked a tiny bit. "They'd probably quit after a few lost their ancestral family homes."

"I should ask Zemo if he can help with that." He walked off. "Let me talk to Stark."

"Do have fun. Get dinner before I tell the Goddesses to fuss at you again."

"Please don't. They nag like grandmothers." Godly Phil smiled at that. He did stop to get a healthy, large plate for dinner to eat on the way to Stark tower. Stark said he wasn't there, himself, but he got let up by JARVIS and Pepper. He held out the file. "On Godly me's world, that one was just elected president."

He took it to read over, then blinked a few times. "Those people were dumb?"

"No idea if the other option was worse, Stark. That you just moved everyone of yours out of the country. Just in case. With the team."

"Yeah. I'd do that." He frowned as he reread better this time. "That poor world. Will one of their Gods step in?"

"They're not supposed to impact humanity's progress forward. Loki doesn't want to be the great evil." Stark snorted, looking at him. "The Phil from there joked about Gaia."

"Mother Nature can be a bitch," he said dryly. "Look at hurricanes." Coulson let out a tiny smile. "Okay. How bad?"

"Are they here and running?"

"If so, yeah I'm building a new lab center somewhere nicer and warmer with a beach nearby. I'll build a whole company town. He was stupid enough to go against, directly against, your other self's husband?"

"He said somehow that one woke up in North Korea after trying that. I'm sure everyone was pleased."

"Damn." He handed the folder back. "Yeah, let me look into that guy. I know he's a cult leader."

"True." He stared at him. "Have you talked to Xander recently?"

"No. I haven't had to. Why? Is he missing again?"

"No, not at the moment. Did you get his text about not calling his bankers goblins because that's an insult?"

"Yeah, I got that one." He sipped his green shake. "What's up with him?"

"Just back from Europe. Again. Third time this month." Stark winced. "Looking to move."

"Can he move all that stuff?"

"Yes, he can. I asked to make sure already. He's been given grand ideas by Lavelle."

"I'm sure a world class thief would have some." He took another sip.

"He's leaning toward the safehouse idea that Lavelle had which took three townhouses to make into one large house. With an escalator."

Stark moaned, swallowing. "He should look in Battery Park's area. There's some that aren't converted in that area. It's overpriced but not renovated at all."

"He'd enjoy that. He keeps muttering about people hating wood that's wood colored and walls. Thank you."

"Welcome. I want the kid to be safe. Before you have to send half of SHIELD to rescue him."

"We only sent a team to rescue Fury when he got taken this time." Stark moaned again, choking a bit on his present sip of healthy green shake. "Exactly. Let me know if you hear something?"

"Yeah, about either topic." Coulson nodded, heading back to keep Phil from making SHIELD too efficient and more fun. They did need to be both but too far that way and people would wonder how it had happened. They might try it on other agencies and he doubted they could loosen up enough for it to work on.

Stark made notes for himself and started a check on that person. Just in case. He also sent Xander a listing for a few rowhouses together in one area. By that night he had a squeal and a 'thank you' in all caps back from the kid. That would help a lot of things.

***

Xander let his banker handle the money things for him, just sat there and signed when asked to. The other banker stared at him. "I don't do money things very well. He's excellent at being my financial manager. I make great interest to pay him with." He grinned. "He keeps me from having too grand of ideas too."

"The escalator was not a bad idea," the dverger acting as his financial manager noted. "Though the indoor garden idea was a bit grandiose. I know you do like plants."

Xander nodded. "I love plants and my garden. If I could, I'd stay where I am, but too many know where I am."

The dverger patted him on the hand. "I agree. We can go over the construction ideas in a few hours." Xander nodded, taking the last few things to sign. They paid and went back to the house to go over the ideas for the new house. Xander had very little idea on some things, but he knew what he liked. Kind of. Not in decorating but kind of. He didn't want to hire a decorator because they all wanted stuff he hated to look at. Especially the ones on tv. Minimalist and all plain neutrals? No thank you!

Xander did let them do an open kitchen, turned sideways in the middle of the living room area floor. That wasn't too open, something he didn't like about his current one, but it wasn't too closed off. And it had nice looking, non stainless steel appliances. The construction guys had suggested some good appliances that came in other finishes that weren't just shiny.

That left the rest to design. Xander insisted on suites so every bedroom had a bathroom. And a practice floor that wasn't right next to his forge. His forge could be on the bottom floor for safety reasons. With storage areas and a meditation room. They could be bigger since he wouldn't have to store the treasures of the ages he had stolen like Lavelle did.

***

The next time he was in Europe he ran into Zemo on purpose when he was out and about. "I think I need to borrow someone like your wife who has taste. I have no idea how to decorate anything."

Zemo gave him a fond look. "Why are you back over here?"

"Destroying someone who thinks I'm pretty again. I got free earlier and spotted you so I thought I'd ask if I could borrow your wife." He showed him pictures. "I have no idea how to pick furniture or art or anything."

"That's enormous. A lot of plants?" He looked at the boy, who grinned and nodded. "I'll see if she's interested in helping. She does tend toward more modern things though." Xander pouted. "I noticed the wood. You need something more classical and manly?"

"Yeah, but not too manly. I don't need macho cigar room sort of decorating. Nice is good though. I have no idea how to do that. I asked Natasha and she thought I had too much furniture."

"She probably runs to minimalism as well. You should probably finish escaping."

"I should but INTERPOL told me to hide myself for an hour while they finished taking down the guys I was working my way away from when they raided. I'm sorry if that means you have more work to do somehow. I have no idea if you have, like, empire related paperwork or whatever as a Baron."

"Not usually. It's more honorary and ceremonial, Xander."

"Oh, that's cool then. Well, anyway, can you ask her?"

"I can do that. You should finish hiding."

"I'm getting lunch. It's been ages and I need to nibble." He went to do that. "Thanks."

"Welcome." He was still very amused. "Send me pictures in an email."

"I can do that. Thank you!" He blew a kiss and ducked around someone trying to grab him. "Don't touch!" The guy pouted. "I asked to borrow his wife to help me decorate." He went to buy lunch and then hide in plain sight by those agents. They offered to help him get home. It was sweet of them.

Helmut Zemo made a call while he went to talk to his own family trust lawyer. They told him who had just been raided and why, and how very nasty that was going to be for the Court of Evil. Pity all those nobles had went down but they were too blatantly evil.

***

Xander looked at his new living room. Everything was done. The two portals were on the wall by the stairs so they were partially hidden. They still worked and the gardens were just fine during the move. His armory was set up. The dogs were searching around to map the new house so they knew where they were. He had stolen Lucky and he was sniffing around too. He had found the small trees he could pee on downstairs by the fake entry door. The main bedroom was set up.

Everything was in place, even the plants that littered the downstairs area and all around the house to hide things like emergency switches and the shut off for the house alarm as you came up from the garage. He had opted for a garage even though he wasn't allowed to drive most of the time. It was the safer entry point. The city code people had hated the fake entrances but he hadn't changed anything outside the house. Just sealed those and on the inside they weren't openings.

The main front door was locked at all times and had an alarmed entry. The code people hadn't liked the escalator but agreed it wasn't disallowed in a residential space. They had liked how his forge was set up and vented. His practice area. They had wondered about the house but they had also seen someone breaking into try to steal him and Xander getting them with a crossbow to the ass.

So they understood why and Maria Hill had a word with them about that being a safe residence for someone who had gotten kidnapped more than once a year. Now all he had to do was figure out the living room furniture. He frowned, he had thought this worked but it left the other end of the living room floor bare.

He walked back and forth between them, sighing in displeasure. He did pause to light the fireplace. Wood burning and had a hearth in case the power was out again from a major storm so he had heat and a way to cook things. He tipped his head, trying to decide between the two groups of furniture to move back to the other area. "I should ask Natasha," he muttered. "But she'll tell me I'm spoiled."

"You probably are," Yelena agreed. "This is massive, Xander."

He jumped but turned to look at her. "I need the safety. No one else can get in here. You didn't lead anyone here, right?"

"No." She smiled. "We wondered about this building."

"It's my safe house." He shrugged. "If you're here to use the garden, they're on the wall around the corner there." He pointed. "The library's now upstairs in the literal library room." He looked at the furniture. "I'm trying to decide which set sits on this side and which goes on the other side of the kitchen's sitting area. Help?"

She went to look and came back then pointed. "The one with the purple throw pillows would look nice back there. The lighter wood since that room's sunnier half the day." She looked at him. "Don't all gay men decorate?"

"Not me. I guess it's something I didn't learn being raised off-realm. Thanks." He carried the first few things back there and arranged it. She came to help. That was fun and she did admire the subtle finish on the fridge and stove. He grinned. "The construction guys found that for me. It's pretty, right?"

"Very. Not shiny either." He beamed and nodded, letting her help him finish setting up that last area. She sighed. "This is very large."

"Some day I'll have someone to share it with." He looked at her. "Did you break in the front door? Or the garage?"

"Garage. I used Natasha's code." She smiled. "She said to."

"That's fine. I was going to ask her about which ones to put over there." He looked and moved one last chair then sighed in pleasure. "Okay." She came in to shift things slightly then he nodded. "Even nicer. I have no sense of design. I had to ask why my sword display was uneven looking."

"I've seen that. It's nice." He grinned. "She wanted to know if the armory was magical again."

"Not all of it. It does have the same fingerprint coded doors. Almost no one can get into it." He opened it to let her see and take pictures for Natasha. "The expansion is magical."

She looked around and moaned. "The whole Widow weapons area was not this nice." She looked around, touching a few things. "You should move the sword display to above the fireplace instead of that big picture."

"I have no idea where to put that instead."

"Down by all those rooms on the bottom level?" She looked at him. "Storage?"

"Yeah. I tweaked plans from Lavelle about his favorite safehouse in London. He did the same thing and made it a family home but since he's a gunman and thief, he needed the storage areas for stuff he stole. He had one room with just statues he stole."

She blinked a few times. "So very weird."

He grinned. "Lavelle's really pretty sweet. And a geek, he goes to comic cons."

She nodded. "Still very weird." He nodded, showing her the other areas. She took pictures of the room that was marked for Natasha's use when she stayed over. Then she helped Xander set up his sword and dagger display around the picture over the fireplace. It was pretty and shiny but not a mirror. It was nice. Xander set up the convention portal last by his desk and then stepped back and smiled, relaxing again. She looked around. "I could house a whole army in here."

"I can expand it if we need more guest rooms but I allow friends to stay over. If I ever get a bodyguard he can stay in one of the rooms. Did I set up the bank's portal?"

"Yes. Downstairs. The dragon was quite sweet."

"That's Hovar. She's really nice," he agreed. "Very good to pet too." Frodo barked. "Yeah, dear?" The robotic dog barked and nudged the phone. "Oh, did I miss a call?" He looked then called them back. "I still have Lucky. He's getting to know the new place by napping on a couch." He hung up. "Kate."

"I've met her. She's nice." She looked at him then at the blond retriever. Then back at him. "This is fairly weird but too nice." Xander nodded. "You made it feel very homey, like a family could live here and be real people." He hugged her for that. "Oooh!" He stepped back, blushing and ducking his head. "Warn a woman! Though you do hug very nicely." He grinned. She patted him on the cheek. "I will tell Natasha. She's being bored."

"We have a great new practice area."

"I saw. It's very nice. Smooth wood floors, very nice towel and practice blade closet. Very sweet." He grinned. "You should rest. Set up a housewarming for those you want to visit. They should have fun here."

"It's summer, we can have a pool party at the pool."

She stared at him. "So very weird, Xander." She went back to the house to tell Natasha. Who was amused. It was safe, hard to get into without notice, and it was comfortable. Very warm feeling. It felt like a family home.

***

Clint showed up and parked in the obviously expanded garage since it had six parking spots with their names on them plus two non marked ones. He found the doorway and the elevator next to it. He'd check that out later. He came up the few stairs to the bottom level, finding the storage rooms, the practice rooms, the meditation room, and a lot of plants he looked at. He noticed that a few hid things, which was subtle but nice. He stared at the escalator, which started once he stepped on it. He came out into the kitchen area, looking around. "Wow."

Xander flinched, staring at him. "Oh, Clint! Hi!"

"Hey." He grinned, coming over to get a hug. Then look around. He was still allowed in the armory and whistled in there. Expanded but nice. Very well organized. He came out to stare at the sword display then changed two around. "Nicer." Xander grinned. "My room?"

"Upstairs and the elevator does go up there in case you're injured. I figured we could all use that sometimes."

He nodded. "We could." He went up to check out his room, which had his name on it. There were two floors of guest rooms. And one that had the computer but that was expected. His room had all the stuff from his last room and it was comfortably dark in there with the curtains drawn. He came down after glancing at the other rooms, which were straight out of the other house. Xander was still fussing at his email so he hugged him, getting another cuddle back. "You did great, kiddo."

"Thanks, Clint."

"This is a really big family home." He went to check the kitchen, nodding at what he saw. He got a bottle of premade coffee drink, but it was homemade. Xander liked to do that so he had some on hand. He sipped as he went to look around downstairs, Lucky getting up to follow him. He petted his dog as they checked out the various rooms.

He found one with two pictures, pretty obviously Xander had bought them and not put them up. There was one large room and he stepped in, looking at the panel on the wall that had buttons. He turned on one and nothing happened. Lucky pounced something on the floor so he looked and stepped on the button.

Suddenly he had a realistic area that showed a training field for running sword battles. He frowned, walking around it. Illusions but good ones. He nodded, going back to change the buttons he pushed. Now it was a wooded forest with the same things to hit. He turned off one button and that made it more of a forest to fight train in.

He tried all the styles and nodded. "Very nice." He hit the floor button again then went back upstairs with Lucky, who liked the escalator. He put the reusable bottle in the dishwasher and came over to stare at Xander. "That's a really neat training room."

Xander grinned. "I have one on this side that has a gym style obstacle course. Lavelle set it up to be like the ones thieves train on when they're going for something specific but have to avoid lasers."

Clint went to look at that and sighed in pleasure. It took up the rest of the floor from the computer room. "Oh, that's sweet." He tried it, it held up to him being energetic. Barely any movement with him. Ropes, solid poles, all that so he could obstacle course train. He went back up there. "Where did Lavelle get the plans for that?"

"Martian us." He grinned. "They have a kid specific one and an adult one."

"Ah." He nodded, remembering reading about them. Yeah, that helped he guessed. He settled in with Xander to chat about the house and any other plans he had, but he also sent Coulson the coordinates and how to get in. "Just Phil, Xander."

"He has a room too. Just as long as he doesn't bring ninjas or something."

"I'd hope not. You don't need more ninjas attacking you in your own house." He patted him, letting the boy cuddle. It was good for him. "Can I bring Kate to train down there?"

"I guess. Is she nice?"

"Pretty nice." He grinned. "I've introduced you two." Xander nodded he remembered. "We'll work on any other ideas." He stroked over Xander's hair, letting him rest for now.

***

Natasha and Phil read the text messages over their shared dinner at SHIELD before a meeting. She stared at the sword display. "I would change two of those around." She hummed as she ate, shaking her head. "He had many ideas."

"He did," Coulson agreed. "Though it's nice we have rooms."

"We can take down the name plaques once we're used to where they are." She put her phone back into her pocket. He did the same thing and dug in. "Has anyone told Crill or Crispin yet?"

"Not that I'm aware of." He considered it. "Is it under fidelus?"

"Not sure," she admitted.

"I'll bring them both over tomorrow to look around. They'll need to know to gather tacky things." She nodded while she chewed. "I wonder how many he sold to set that up."

"I'm hoping most of them. They were horrible."

"Some weren't as bad but some were horrifying." He considered it while he ate. She finished up and put up her tray. He followed and they went to the meeting to update SHIELD's bylaws and rules. He had been brilliant to get them snuck in so things went better and smoother.

***

It took a few months but Xander got his first unusual visitor. Someone had snuck in to sleep in one of the storage rooms. He did make sure it had heat since it was a chilly night. That morning he snuck down to put a cup of coffee and a muffin in front of the door then back upstairs so whoever it was wouldn't spook too much.

He recognized the guy. He had been on the news before. When the guy did it again, food was left for him again. The third time Xander was there with the coffee cup, handing it over. "Mr. Castle, are you here to protect me from the mother fuckers who try to steal me to own or are you here for sanctuary and shelter? Because I can protect you if you are. I'm not against that."

The guy stared at him. "Who're you?"

"Xander. This is my house."

"Why? It's huge."

"Yeah, that means I haven't had to rescue myself from a kidnaping in three months." He grinned. "It's nearly a record and SHIELD is very happy about that." He stared at him. "Do you need sanctuary? I'm good with that. I'm not doing anything this week so I can help if I can."

"No, I just needed a place to hide, kid."

"That's fine. I don't mind that." He handed over something. "My phone number. In case you need it. I realize when you sneak in, you set off the silent alarm system, but this way you can call if you need a lot of help."

"Are you mafia related?"

Xander grinned. "Not even close. Though it's nice they haven't tried to steal me yet. Unlike some idiots in Europe. But it's great INTERPOL stopped some of them. I've only gotten two presents recently." He walked off. "If you need more food, kitchen's upstairs right off the escalator."

"I...have no idea what's going on," he muttered, but he did drink the coffee. It was nice of the kid to grant him a place to squat when he needed one but he didn't want to bring trouble on the kid's head. He left, going to stake out his next target since this kid was not mob related. He was found later by a redhead. "Romanoff," he said, staring at her. He had seen her on the news a few times handling bigger problems.

She sat down next to him, staring up at him. "Xander is very kind. A bit weird but very kind and sweet. If only we had a way to get his hormones down so people quit snatching him."

"That's that guy? The one with the rumors?" he demanded with a point. She nodded, smiling at him. "Oh. No wonder he has so much space. It's so he can hide."

"He does not do much of that. He will shoot or stab something. Greatly." She stared at him. "Many of us stay with him when injured for a few days. Clint, myself, Coulson, a few others. He is very interesting to talk to at times, and he does try not to be as young as he is. He's got a weird background and it seems to work well for him. He is a decent cook and will let you pick from his garden area."

"I saw the plants."

"He has a portal to a ten acre garden area with robotic nymphs that harvest for him." He blinked a few times. She smiled. "He's very interesting. Do not let things come after him or let them know where he is. He's had to defeat some of the Hand in the past. We all thought it was quite odd he was attacked by ninjas in his house." She stood up. "But if you do need legitimate help he would do so," she finished quietly. "He has us. He did during the battle with Loki. He's sweet, young, but not innocent."

He nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. I thought he was mob related."

"No. Not in the least. Though it's interesting that none of them have tried to get his attention."

"He said the same thing when he handed me coffee and a muffin."

"That boy does bake well enough that I put on five pounds." She walked around him with a smile. "Do be careful with the boy. He's not a warrior and does not want to be one unless it's to save himself. He's not like Daredevil or Rand."

"I'll keep that in mind." He was still confused by that kid. But probably none of his business unless he found the kid fighting something some night.

***
Part 2 by Voracity2
Natasha showed up two months later. "Xander, have you seen two of the younger Widows? They seem to be missing."

He didn't look up from reading but pointed. "They're in the pool area most of the time. Every now and then I put food on the grill in there and it disappears as a hint to eat something."

She blinked. "That's kind of you." She went to check, finding them trying to hide. She stared at them when she found them. "Are you protecting Xander?" They nodded quickly. "Does he realize that?" They shook their heads with sighs, looking down. "It's a good hiding job. It took me a week to figure out you were here." They stared at her. "Are you camping?"

"A new treehouse appeared," one said with a point. "It has pillows and blankets."

She hummed but nodded. "He is very nice to you two. If you find him being taken, do handle it for him, ladies."

"We have," the other one agreed with a fast nod. "Often."

"Good. It's obviously helped." The girls smiled at that praise. "Eat something, you're both too skinny. He obviously knows you're here." She went to talk to Xander, pausing to look at the sword display and change the ones that Clint had changed back. Xander grinned at that. "It's more balanced that way." She stared at him. "Do you mind them hiding here?"

"No. Or that Frank Castle guy hiding downstairs now and then. Though he does need to clean up the blood." He stared at her then grinned. "Want to try the practice room?"

"Yes, I could use that. Ladies, let's go practice. You can watch so you learn something." They came out to do that while she and Xander went down to get into a sparring match. He did show her the training room with the projections, making her sigh in pleasure. Then the obstacle course room, which made her get warm, tingly feelings. Then he took her to sword fight with her. During that, Castle showed up injured. The girls helped him clean up while they watched the sparring.

Frank cleared his throat. "What is that?" he asked quietly.

"He learned a unique fighting style. It's very hard to beat," one hissed. "But it is hot."

"It is. Which is a bit weird." He settled in to watch with them. He was ignoring his body's response to that bit of movement. His body was wrong, it did not want that boy. He wasn't into boys. So when someone tried to break in he got them for everyone and stared at the bruised body.

One of the Widows came to look. "That one tried yesterday but we tried to set him on fire." She smiled at him. "Xander said to please clean up any spilled blood and he put a cot in your usual hiding area." She went back to watching the sparring.

Frank did that after he threw the guy in the dumpster out back. It was nice of him to clean up his mess. It wasn't his house and blood was nasty so he should clean it up. Once the sparring was done and he had reminded his body he didn't want a male lover, again, he went to talk to Xander. "You met with Billy Russo. Why?" he asked.

"Maria Hill wanted me to hire his people as bodyguards. He was supposed to come back with how much it'd cost me but he never did and I heard he died right after that."

Frank nodded. "That makes sense I guess." He stared at him. "He wasn't a good guy."

"I've had nobles from Europe, who call themselves the Court of Evil, try to get my attention by sending tacky presents and kidnaping me to Europe fifteen times in a year, Mr. Castle. Plus they might not have minded dating me after they got to know me. I could use a boyfriend to help ease the hormone problem down."

Frank blinked a few times. "I've only heard rumors, kid." Xander shrugged at that. "So nothing to do with his weapons trading?"

"I like weapons. Me having them means that I look too hard to kidnap."

"What?"

"If the ones who want him know he can defend himself they think twice about taking him," Natasha explained, coming down from showering and changing clothes. "It's very nice of them to not do so. Can I show him the armory, Xander? Clint was very happy with how arranged it was."

"Okay. It's slightly expanded too. Are they sending the tacky presents to the storage area?"

Frank nodded. "There's a few in one room. I had no idea someone had that bad of taste." He went to look with Natasha, moaning at what was in there. "Oh, damn."

Natasha smirked at him. "He has it to keep him safer."

"Yeah, I can see that." He nodded. "Fuck."

"He would need to be on the bottom," she said quietly. "But he may if you offered. He could use more sex in his life to help ease his hormones down. It's been much too long."

He stared at her. "I'm not into boys."

"Pity. He'll make someone a good wife someday."

He shook his head quickly. "Yeah, I'm sure he will." They left and she closed up the armory. "I threw that one guy in the dumpster. I'll have a talk with them later."

"Hand again?" she asked.

"Yup. Midlevel guy."

"Please do and invite me if they do not listen." He nodded, smirking at her. "Just clean up any mess you make."

"I will from now on."

"Leftovers in the fridge on the left," Xander called. "Pasta and beef from last night if you're hungry."

Frank shook his head with a sigh but looked and did get some. So did the two young women, who went back to hiding by the pool and treehouse. They found college catalogs in there to go over and pick out what they wanted to study. They'd talk to Natasha later about that. She was like a fond aunt.

***

Yelena showed up a few months later with a huff. "Ladies," she bellowed from the kitchen area.

One leaned out of the pool area. "We're doing college work while housesitting until he comes back from Malta again. And dog sitting, the dogs are great fun and help." She went back to her computer to get back to online classes.

"You're what?" Yelena demanded, following her. She found the dogs, who she petted. They barked to greet her. "Nice of you to watch the girls. Are they behaving?" Frodo nodded. "That's good of them." She looked at them. "You're doing what?"

"I'm taking a swimming break because english class is driving me nuts," the one in the pool said with a smile. "The teacher thinks Russian literature is *deep*."

"Oh, dear," Yelena sighed. "So you're both taking classes?" The one on the laptop showed her. "Oh, that is. How weird that he thinks that's insightful. It's just depressing." She handed the laptop back. "Where is Xander right now?"

"Coming home from Malta. Some oil person wanted him so he set their house on fire," the one not in the pool said with a smile. "He called to talk to the dogs."

Yelena sighed but nodded. "Fine. You are housesitting. Even when he is here?" They blushed but nodded. "Why?"

"We don't want to train," the one in the pool said. "We want to be like normal girls."

Yelena sat down, nodding. "I understand that. I can agree with that. You don't have to hide from us though. You could do course work while still talking to us when you're not house and dog sitting." They nodded they knew that. "Are you coming back soon?" They shook their heads. "Are you seriously going to live in his garden?"

"For now," the one on the laptop said. "He made us a treehouse and it's helping him to not be alone in this house. Plus we can housesit. We asked and he said he didn't mind. He never tries anything funny with us."

"He doesn't understand women anyway," Yelena told her. "He's never touched one in his life."

"Wow." The girls shared a look then looked at her. "Why not?"

"When he was born he was raised off-realm by a lot of uncles. It was at the convention of himself I'm told." They groaned. "So no, not many women there." She looked at them. "You two are being safe?"

"The Hand even quit coming finally," the one in the pool quipped. "We had to get a bit mean but they did stop it."

"Good. You protect him very well. How are you paying for college?" They shrugged. "Ah. That way. I can see that. All right. You two will check in with me regularly. That way we can come help you if you need us to."

"We see Natasha a lot. She's here often to spar."

"That's kind of her." Yelena looked at them and they grinned back. "Fine. Behave, girls. Let me know if you have problems or he gets tired of you living by his pool." She went back to talk to Natasha, who agreed the girls were being good. They cleaned up after themselves. They didn't make him more work. They helped protect Xander. It was good of them to do that and nice of him to fund them going to college.

Yelena just sighed and let it be for now. Until something happened or changed.

***

Xander bounced up to Maria Hill, smiling at her. "I took out an oil owning guy and a politician! Sorry if it upsets anyone but now they can't use my ass either!" He beamed at the staring agent. That guy walked off shuddering. "And I got Nick free. He's behind me somewhere. If I have to see diplomats, can you remind them I'm protecting myself?" He bounced off again. "I only got two tacky presents I stole off his desk and they probably aren't spy gear."

"I want to see them to make sure," she called. "Or let Crill do it, Xander." He waved a hand. He headed down to the car then back up to let Crill see them. They were in fact spy gear. One held a trigger to something. The other had listening devices.

They could clear them and give them to Xander for his memorials of kidnapings past display. She went looking to see who it was. She stared at something. "He took out a top level Russian politician," she mouthed as she read. "How?" Nick Fury stomped off the elevator. "He took out a politician."

"Good," he growled. "Sad that I couldn't." He looked over her shoulder. "Great, he'll complain."

"He can't deny Xander was protecting himself from being assaulted."

"True and he'd hate that. He hates gay men." He looked around. "Anything on those two things he shoplifted?"

"Techno-weapons has them."

"Good. Any good news?"

"They found a new allergen to put on the list." Nick groaned. "Sorry. Not something you're likely to run into. It's some Indo-Pacific ocean fish."

"Yeah, I don't need that." He went to his desk to see what was going on. Maria had held down things well for him. He came back out. "He somehow got the robotic version of him freed from that guy. He had them hostage in a closet. They helped a lot. One set the house on fire for him. He volunteered since he was damaged in the fight to get out of there." He went back to his desk. "They can poison the rest of them if they want to."

"I'll let that be known," she agreed. Three robotic Xanders would drive some people nuts trying to figure out who was the original. "Maybe we should have more LMD's of Xander made. It would cause great confusion and hopefully shield the boy more."

Nick Fury walked to the doorway. "If they want one that much they can order one from some robotic surrogate company, Hill. I'm sure there's one who can."

"Two actually but neither's very advanced."

He glared but went back to his desk. He had a headache and wanted to rest somewhere safer than his on-base suite that he had been stolen from the last time. Maybe he'd take over the kid's former house. Not like ninjas wanted him and he could handle that small threat.

Hill got back to work tracking things and put out a notice that their director had been found and rescued. The World Security Council was not amused by that but oh well. They could hate a high level Russian politician going down for kidnaping american males for sex.

***

Xander nearly flinched when someone touched his arm, blinking at the woman there. "Oh, hey, Mrs. Zemo. Are you okay or did you get stolen too?"

"No, dear. You're in the middle of a park."

He looked around then sighed. "Sorry. Apparently last time I got drugged. Again." He sighed, frowning at the man stomping his way. "Is that an agent? I can't tell anymore."

She looked. "It's a politician." She glared and the man sneered. Xander let the man start to complain at him about being free and punched the guy. "Charming, dear, thank you. Let's get you somewhere safer?"

"Is there anywhere safer?" he asked her, sounding tiny and weak. "I even moved. It's safer. No ninjas have broken in."

She patted him on the arm. "Let's at least sit down. I'll call the husband, he'll tell someone to help you get home, Xander." He nodded, swallowing hard and sitting down. Fortunately she didn't have to call her husband, someone was running over, an officer. "He's been drugged?" she demanded coolly. "After being kidnaped from the US?"

"Yes, ma'am, and we've been looking for him." He walked over the politician. "INTERPOL is looking for him to get him home." Xander blinked at him. "We can pause for medical care."

"I heal pretty quickly. By the time I get home I'll be okay. I hope."

"Let me call this in and then we'll get you to the agents, Mr. Harris." He did that and they said they'd have a medic waiting on him there. Mrs. Zemo smiled at that. "Thank you, Baroness."

Xander snorted. "She's not on GI Joe." She snickered, swatting him gently before walking off. He looked at the officer. "I need to carry more explosives."

"Clearly you had plenty this time. Let's get you to the agents and the medical help." He helped him up and to the car, taking him to where the agents were. The locals were complaining about the explosion and why but they didn't want anyone to stay a hostage.

Xander looked at the agent he knew. "I suck apparently."

"You do not. They do." Xander nodded, swallowing again. "Let the paramedic check you over, Xander." He let the team have him. He had to translate but that happened. The officer took a note and let the agents handle it. They apparently had some experience with this situation.

One asked him about the explosives so he showed him how he had carried it and not had it confiscated. The officer just nodded at that touch of magic. It figured, it really did. Xander gave the officer a pat on the arm as they evacuated him. The agent had to go with him because he had to fly commercial this time. Xander slept most of the flight so that was nice.

Xander walked into his house and looked at the two girls. "Can I cuddle?" he asked quietly. They both looked confused so he laid down next to one and hugged her. "Thank you."

"Of course." She was very confused and worried. She called Natasha, who wasn't available. She called Yelena, who gave them a look. "He is back but he needed to cuddle?"

She let them show her. "Just let him hug. It's been a bad day and it's very comforting. What you'd do to a child of your own." She stared at her younger minion. "Is he well?"

"He did not say. Just asked if he could cuddle."

"I'll be there in a bit to help him as Natasha is overseas figuring out why someone blew up." Xander snorted. "Oh, that reason. That's good. You should destroy that sort of people." She hung up and went to save the girls from being cuddled. None of them were used to it but she could guard Xander for the day.

He was very fragile at times. Today was apparently one of those. She did send Natasha text message about Xander having saved himself somehow. When Yelena got there, she took over cuddling Xander, making sure he rested. He was very upset this time. Something really had to be done.

***

Natasha walked up to an agent, staring at him. "How many did he get?"

"No human casualties beyond one injured guard. The house is destroyed, Agent Romanoff. Do you know anything about that explosive he uses?"

"It came from him in another realm who's a weapons designer." She smiled slightly. "We do enjoy how effective it was."

"This is the third time he's had to destroy people's houses for stealing him."

"That's half of the recent kidnapings."

"Oh, dear. Can we not solve that?"

"Find him a few good boyfriends?"

"If I knew one...." he sighed. Then looked at the mess. He looked at her again. "How many more are on his list?"

She pulled up SHIELD's list of who had sent presents. "All these have shown interest. Are they still going to try something I have no idea. They could run into the robotic versions someone made but they'd probably poison them."

"There is?"

"Someone wanted a sexual surrogate." She shrugged one-sidedly. "They created a few. There were four but one helped fix the problem in Malta. The other three robotic versions of him are somewhere and they do enjoy poisoning people. Xander doesn't, he's soft. He's gentle. He's presently curled up in the lap of someone protective who'd he'd never sleep with because he doesn't understand women."

"That's a pity." He watched the fire trucks leave. "How do we stop them from doing this?"

"Make the ones who steal him stop? He takes all the precautions he can to stay home more often. He's even moved into a more secure residence. SHIELD doesn't even have the address formally noted. They still manage to send him things. Usually very tacky things. He has weapons he enjoys using to keep himself at home, they've sent him...decorated ones." She showed him a picture.

The agent grimaced. "That is definitely tacky, yes." He looked around then at her. "Are there many others who could want one like him?"

"People with his hormone condition are often seen as favored concubines. How many would want one?" she asked back.

"Too many apparently." He nodded once. "We have to stop this."

"At least most of them have been people that you wanted to arrest anyway. This just gave you a better reason that would stick."

"True. Though one judge did not understand until someone got us something he had sweated on. The judge had to recuse himself because he now wanted the boy."

"He does smell very tasty but some of us were raised not to take what we wanted without consent."

"True. I would not even if I wanted him more than a diabetic would want chocolate." He grimaced but nodded once. "We will do what we can. We had to go back with him because he had to fly commercial."

"At least then he'd only get a regular stalker if they wanted him." She pushed her hair back over her shoulder since there was a breeze blowing it around. Someone shouted and came at them with a gun. She raised an eyebrow and shot him in the leg, making him fall over crying. "Pitiful." She looked at the agent again, who was shaking his head. "We have done what we could."

"I can see that. How many are already in Europe?"

"Perhaps ten or twelve who aren't in custody of someone? They do not talk about each other, it gets them kidnaped."

"I can see that." The guy on the ground was whining about not being good enough.

"Nor will you ever be," Natasha told him. "Xander deserves a true lover, not an owner. He's not a pet." The man glared at her. She stared back. "I've been around him constantly since I train with him and I haven't kidnaped him. It shows how weak of willpower you are. The boy would gladly go to someone who wooed him as a proper spouse." She looked at the agent again. "I have to start matchmaking but I don't know many gay agents. The ones I do know are taken."

"Me either. If I did I'd introduce them. The boy clearly could use someone who adored him for more than his hormones." They picked up that idiot and put him into a car in handcuffs then went to talk to the higher ups to see what they could do and how many more may try something this stupid and get blown up.

SHIELD Europe was not pleased with that list of present givers, mostly because their senior agent was on it. Natasha stared at that agent, who was shaking his head quickly. So apparently he wasn't going to attempt to steal the boy himself.

***

Xander saw an alert on his security system so looked. Frank with someone pretty cut up. Xander got out of bed and grabbed the first aid kit, going down there. He held it up. "Bandages?"

"Please," Frank said. "He's a good guy, Xander, but I need him to sit there for a few hours."

"Okay." He nodded. "I've seen that happen. Clint's not local so I can't call him to see if he'd help but can I help?"

"Fisk, kid. You can't handle that."

"Well, yeah, I can. I'm suing him for trying to annoy me to death. I can be so very annoying to him that he can ignore others."

Frank blinked. "What did he do?"

"Tried to get into my bank. Tried to get into my accounts and my bank. Some of the guys like me have minions but he'd make a sucktastic one. Way too mouthy and can't handle things on his own." He grimaced. "Also because he kept sending ninjas to invade my house. I really hate being attacked by ninjas in my own house."

Frank patted him, seeing the wince. "You injured too?"

Xander looked at his shoulder then shrugged slightly. "Mother fuckers," he muttered. "Just got home yesterday. Again." He walked off. "The refills for that kit is in the main bathroom in the living room area. Both of the girls are in the treehouse."

"Thanks, kid." He went to help the red suited asshole he had saved this time. So when a girl came in he looked. "You're not one of Belova's girls."

"No, I'm Kate Bishop." She grinned. "Can I help with that?"

"Doubt it, you're a kid."

"I'm the other Hawkeye."

"You're a kid."

"So is that spider kid."

Frank sighed. "Not the argument you want to start, girly." He went to help the injuries. "We're cleaning this up. I doubt he wants someone underage to help with that."

"Not really," Matt Murdock said. "Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bishop."

"You too." She waved a bit. "Sorry, forgot you're blind. I'm supposed to be watching over Xander this week for Clint." She walked off, going up there. Xander was on the couch now so gave her an odd look. She flopped down across from him. "Where did you find Lucky's pizza flavored treats? I can't find them anywhere."

"I made them."

"Awww. I can't cook. Damn. I'm Kate by the way."

"Clint told me about you."

She grinned. "He asked me to help guard you this week. He's out with the fam back at the farm."

"Oh. Okay. Sure. I hope I'm going to be here all week."

She nodded. "You need to quit getting kidnaped. They really need to give up and take lessons in consent." She grinned. "But I can help if you let me."

"Sure, I don't mind if someone else yells at the people who take me."

"Or shoot arrows at them. I'm actually pretty good at it."

Xander nodded. "Watch out for ninjas breaking in again. They keep doing it and it's really annoying. And absurd."

"Yeah, that would be absurd. I don't know of anyone else who gets attacked by ninjas in their own house." She shook her head quickly. "Have you seen the cute Lucky pictures from this week?" She pulled out her phone to show him. He grinned and relaxed again.

Lucky clearly loved this girl and anyone the dog liked he could probably like. Even when ninjas broke in again and she just sneered then helped him defend himself. She finally got to huff and sit back down, staring at him. He was shaking his head with a sigh. "I wonder if we can trick them into giving up."

"If I go blow up someone. SHIELD would be mad though."

"Yeah, some people are just asking for it though."

"Yes but I try not to start it. Just finish it."

"So let's work on that problem in a round-about way. What can you do to hurt Fisk and the Hand without being obvious? Can you hack or anything?"

"No. Natasha can. I've tried to learn but I have no attention span."

She nodded. "That can happen. I can't hack either." She looked around. "No tv to calm down to?"

"My bedroom. I usually don't have many guests. I have a media room upstairs though."

"Let's go up there. It's probably harder to find you. It'll let Castle sneak up to raid the fridge."

"There's leftover fruit salad and a few other things if he wants. I told him that before."

She nodded. "You're kinda neat, Xander." He grinned at that. "Let's go watch trashy tv and calm down. If there's more ninjas they probably can't find us up there." He nodded, getting up with her helping haul him up and take him up to calm down. The two former Widows came up to help them with that. Kate was young and understood things they didn't so they could talk to her about it, like Xander would be. Kate was very normal to them all.

***

Xander walked past Castle, taking the dog's leash with him. "C'mon, sweetie. Come play with Lucky? He's a good boy and I'm a good puppy sitter. You'll like Frodo and Samwise too. They like to play. I like to play. Do you like to play fetch?"

Frank blinked. "What the hell, kid?"

Xander grinned at him. "I'm a favorite pet sitter."

"I'm sure you are." He nodded at that. "Go with him, Dog." The dog let Xander take him off to go home and play with the other three dogs. The robotic ones got a long sniff and a bit of fear from Dog, but Lucky made him calmer and they did play with the toys Xander had gotten them. Including balls so they could play fetch. The robotic ones helped with that. It was so cute. Xander took film for later happy needs.

Frank sighed but he was getting used to weird things. Barton had said that the kid was his favorite dog sitter. He treated them well. He spoiled Lucky greatly.

Kate strolled past, nodding at him while sipping hipster coffee. "Xander needs more to do and the dogs are fun. He's very spoiling and likes to play. You should see the film of the robotic ones playing fetch in the park." She grinned at him then winked. "Oh, and Fisk is so mad," she said more quietly then smirked. "He tried to get into Xander's accounts again and they did not have a happy moment when the dvergers stopped that on him."

"What are they?"

"Goblin is a slur word to them."

"Like the guys in stories?"

"Yeah." She grinned and nodded. "Very much. They even have a dragon." She walked off again. "I'm going to watch over him again to avoid homework."

"You should probably go be a kid then." He watched her go, looking very confused. But he did ask people about what Fisk had planned now. Just in case it came his way too. When he went to Xander's that night to get his dog, the dog was exhausted from playing, napping with Lucky on a couch, and had eaten very well by the look of the food dish. He looked at Xander, who grinned and waved. "They look content for the night."

"They should be. They had a lot of playing time. They had some of that natural food stuff. They were good boys who had some pool time with the girls."

Frank just nodded. "The kid here still?"

"No, she had to go home. I'm okay by myself sometimes."

"Let's not tempt things this week." Xander rolled his eyes but looked amused. "What's with that one room down there?"

"The one with the boxes? That's presents that they won't take back. So someday soon I'll sell them."

Frank nodded. "Why?"

"They sent them as a 'be mine' gift and I send them back as soon as I know who it is. If they come back after my 'I'm not looking for an owner note' then they know I'll sell it. I put that in the turn down note." He shrugged. "It sucks. A lot. They all think I'm an easy treat to woo and I'm not. I'm only wanting a real relationship, not something in the clubs. Someone who dates and does things with me."

"That's what most people want. Some people like hos though."

"Which I'm not. They just don't understand that. They refuse to understand it. Which sucks."

"I'd guess it would." He looked at the dogs who had just farted. "That's gross, boys." They ignored him to keep sleeping. He rolled his eyes. Xander grinned. "I don't mind if you watch him but ask first, Xander."

"Yes, Frank."

"Thank you. And for watching him today. It made sure he didn't get hurt in a fight I got into earlier." Lucky yawned and looked at them then put his head back down.

"You rest, good boy," Xander cooed. "We'll cuddle in bed with the doggies later." Lucky let out a quiet bark, getting one back from Samwise and Frodo. So he went back to his nap.

Frank looked at the robotic dogs. Then at Xander, who grinned. "They're cute."

"They're great friends and I never worry about them."

"That's even better." He nodded. "Let me go rest for a few hours then I'll take watch once you go to bed."

"If you want. I won't impose."

"Yeah but it needs to be handled in case Fisk shows up today."

"He's been sending minions and I've been fighting back by becoming my bitchiest final form. I wonder if I can do meaner things." He considered it.

Frank got to rest for an hour before the dogs woke him up and he went up to watch over the kid. He got to see Clint Barton stroll in taking off his tie but shaking his head. "I'm on watch," he said quietly.

Clint grinned at him. "Good. The kid could use it. He still home?" Frank nodded. "Great job then." He looked at the dogs. "You two look way too comfy. You should be napping with the boy."

"They didn't wake up."

"That's fine. There's a tree downstairs that Lucky likes to water." He went up to his room to rest for now. Frank got to relax for a few more hours, until Clint got up again. He glanced at the present room but didn't open anything. It wasn't his business. Clint settled in to see what Xander had been doing. What he saw worried him, Fisk was a huge problem in more ways than one. He had no idea why the idiot had gotten stuck on Xander. Maybe that'd be figured out first.

***

Xander walked into SHIELD with a box, heading for Hill's desk. No Hill. He looked at Fury. "Is Hill out of the office?"

"For a week. She sprained her shoulder." He looked up. "New present?"

"Yes. From that guy who wears all white and is a huge problem. So I'm suing." He smiled. "Want me to tell Crill or Crispin about him since you guys don't think he's SHIELD's problem?"

"How tacky is this one?"

"Incredibly but it's not twinkly. He sent me a weapon." Fury winced, coming to see it. He stepped back with a sigh. "I think I disarmed it. Clint's at the new house talking to the officer he summoned to help me when he saw who had sent it. The officer wanted me to hand it to you guys since Clint snorted at the FBI and said he was one of yours."

Fury nodded. "That's bad. Why did he do that?"

"I have no idea why he's been annoying me. He keeps trying to get into my accounts and things. I have no idea if he's trying to get favors from someone or what. I don't really care. I just want him to go away." He grinned. "I could send this one back."

"No, you may not," Fury said. "Get me someone from weapons," he called. "To make sure this thing is disarmed." Coulson called that in. He looked, not his Phil since he was older. "Do you have any idea?"

"No," he admitted. "If I did, I'd stop it." He smirked at Xander. Xander let him see. "That's nicely compact and something that was developed by Hammer."

"Ewww, gross," Xander said.

"We'll find out if it was stolen or what," Phil assured him. "Are you all right?"

"I'm livid and I'm about to prove I'm a Xander." He smiled. "Even with my axe if I have to." He nodded a bit.

"Let us help," Phil said gently. "Please?"

"If you do. The PD was not happy that I got sent a present at all."

"We can talk to them, Xander. Go play with Lucky. What's that other dog?"

"Frank's dog Dog."

"Go play with the four dogs. Let the girls protect you."

"They don't want to do that sort of thing. That's why I suggested college."

"That's good for them. For now, go home, let us make plots for you and we'll include you to help you fight back this time. Natasha will be upset we didn't include her." He grinned. "I might even go ask a teenage girl what sort of plan to use."

"They can be evil from what I've heard. Kate said they could."

"They can be and I've got teenage Starks I can ask for ideas." Xander nodded, going home with Agent Crispin driving him. "It's interesting how Fisk got Hammer's things."

"In your world?"

"I'm preventing myself from assassinating a future president. This Xander is nicely calming." He strolled off.

Nick Fury shuddered. "Do we know about them?" He snapped and a file appeared so he looked it over. "Hell, just ask an assassin, Coulson."

He smirked back from the elevator. "Don't tempt me, Nick. I might turn my version of you back from an eternal ferret to handle it." The doors shut.

Fury shuddered. "I feel very sorry for that me. Though he probably doesn't have to worry about teenage Starks when he's a ferret." Stark came off the elevator with the weapons team. "Were you hanging around?"

"Barton called." He looked and groaned. "That thing's a piece of shit. It probably won't work at least a third of the time." He broke it down to disarm it, letting the weapons team take notes on how he did it.

***

Xander looked at the man across the courtroom then at his lawyers.

The judge looked at Fisk's people. "Why are you bothering this young man?"

"We wanted his attention."

"There's easier ways to do that I'm sure," the judge said. "Than trying to break into his bank accounts."

"The man surrounds himself with minions. We think he's a threat to this city."

Xander shook his head. "Not a single minion in my life." He smiled at the other side. "Prove that I pay them?" The man glared. He stared back. "Am I a threat? If you're endangering the city I'm sure I can be." He handed over something. "My SHIELD file, Your Honor. My lawyers did not want me to present that."

The judge took it from the bailiff to look at. "Oh, you were helping defend areas during that invasion." He looked at him. "How?"

"Guns. A few helpful robots helping me guard an ER and other places. Those mini tanks were mine."

"So you're not dangerous to the city."

"Not unless the city makes me be." He smiled. "I'm a defender sort. That's how I was raised. Unfortunately now I'm defending myself against idiots."

"He has known contact with people who are wanted," the other side's lawyers said smugly. Xander looked at him oddly. "Mr. Frank Castle is a wanted man."

Xander nodded. "He broke in and hid in my storage room a few times. I let him steal food from the fridge because I'm not an asshole. I kept his dog so it'd be safe. Then again, I've been stolen by arms dealers and chemical warfare sorts recently too; mostly because your client told them about me. So your point is?"

The lawyer cleared his throat. "You can't prove that."

"That's actually in his SHIELD file," the judge said, letting him see that with a smirk. "I do believe that you're going to have some problems." He looked at the agents sitting behind Fisk's table. "Agents I'm assuming?" They all nodded. "From what agencies?"

"IRS and Treasury, Your Honor. Also Homeland Security and FBI are represented in the courtroom." That agent smiled at the lawyer giving him an odd look. "Your client has had known interaction with terrorists overseas to get the young man over there out of his city for some reason. We have no idea why he's scared of him. We don't really care."

Xander looked over. "Does that mean I won't be attacked by ninjas in my own home again? I find that really absurd."

"We can only hope so, Mr. Harris. We've seen your file from SHIELD and the State Department."

"Herbs," he quipped.

"Thank you for that. We'll share the list of who he contacted with your SHIELD handler when we're out of here." Xander grinned at that. "That way you don't have to blow up another ancestral manor house."

"INTERPOL would like that."

"Yes, they called us," the FBI agent said smugly.

The judge looked at them. "Why was INTERPOL involved?"

"Mr. Harris gets kidnaped a lot, Your Honor," Xander's head lawyer said. The dvergers had hired the law firm for him. "Six times in the last four months to Europe and once to an island in the Pacific."

The judge blinked. "That hormone thing?" Xander nodded. "Ah, that's making more sense."

"Some people don't take no for an answer," Xander quipped. "Or that I'd rather date, not be a concubine. I've got a lifetime of dealing with that problem until I start to date someone good enough to help me cure those."

"I hope you manage it, Mr. Harris."

"Us too," his lawyer said quietly. "So we can stop their attempts to get guardianship of him?"

"Yes," the judge said with a nod. "There's no reason for that and he's not a relative."

"His mother said he's very young," Fisk's lawyers said.

Xander looked at him. "You went to Devon to talk to my biological bearing being?" The lawyer looked smug and nodded. "Did she tell you how she hijacked my DNA from another realm intentionally to knock herself up so she could have a warrior slave on hand to protect her and the coven? Or how I was raised off realm?" He handed something to his lawyer, who looked at it and handed it to the judge. "Transcripts from the last time that came up."

The judge read it over and winced. "These ones were...."

"The mes from other realms who raised me." He nodded behind him. "One's here."

"I noticed your relation." Lavelle grinned at him for that. "Oh. That...still, Mr. Fisk is not a relative and the ...biological surrogate does not have custody of him as he is of age." He considered it. "That's very weird but you are clearly an adult."

"Your Honor, he has no record of high school graduation."

"Yes I do. I took the tests once I got here for home schoolers," Xander said. "Passed very well. He handed that file over. The judge nodded as he read it over. "There's also a copy of the restraining order for the biological bearing device getting near me."

"There is," the judge agreed. He looked at Fisk's people. "If you did get him I doubt you'd enjoy it, gentlemen. He's recently blown up some places to get himself free."

"Your Honor, he's a *nice* young man. How would he do that?"

"How did he help defend some areas during the invasion?" Lavelle asked. "We're all warriors if we're a Xander."

"He doesn't even carry a weapon usually," the lawyer said. Xander waved a hand and unhid something then pulled it to put onto the table. "What's that?" Xander let it grow. "Um...how did you get that in here?" Xander reshrank it and hid it again, making Lavelle laugh at that. "That's a higher grade grenade launcher."

"Yes, it is," Xander agreed with a smile and a nod. "I have two of them with me just in case I get kidnaped again."

"How did you get that in here, Mr. Harris?" the judge demanded. Xander got up and walked over to show him where it was stored as he put it back. "That's...." He tried to touch it once it was hidden. "Can anyone else touch that?"

"Me. My other self maybe." He smiled. "It's my Xander belt for kidnaping events. That way I'm not trapped and I can get myself free. I also carry some minor helpful things like lock picks, a small bit of liquid explosive, some rope shrank down. A whole bunch of stuff."

"Can you take that off? Just while you're in here."

"That would mean they'd show up to kidnap me."

"The agents would protect you."

Xander looked at them then at him. "I won't touch it again."

"Let your other self hold it?"

"I can do that, mini us." Xander let him have it. "At least you don't have the long hair habit to hide weapons in. No one expects the hairpins to hold explosives."

Xander nodded, going back to his seat. He still had the hidden bag of holding on his chest. And a second one on his leg. He sat back down.

The other side's lawyers looked worried. "Your Honor, what does his other self do?"

Lavelle made a card appear and handed it over. "I run the world." He smiled. "By accident. I was making friends and they formed together to work past the Dark Syndicate in Europe." Fisk's people's eyes went wide. He grinned. "I'm also a gunman and thief. Second gunman and thief to back up my trainers. I just built around them."

The man swallowed but nodded. "Well." He looked at Xander.

"No, I'm the innocent kid of the group," Xander said. "I just have to fight back and defend people against demon things." He smiled. "They trained me very well to do that."

"We did," Lavelle agreed, petting over his hair. Xander tipped his head to let it, he needed more contact with other people. The lawyer slumped at that. "I taught him to use weapons and tactics. With the one of us that became president in his world." He grinned as President him looked up from his phone and waved.

The lawyer nodded. "Oh, dear."

Xander nodded. "They pushed us. Here, I'm not being pushed that same way. Thankfully."

Fisk's lawyers nodded, looking at the judge. "It's always a bad idea to push on someone unknown. Though, if Mr. Harris does have contact with people who are wanted he should turn them in."

"Would you like the list of terrorists that seem to want me as a lap kitty?" he asked. "I'd gladly love them to go away if you did."

"We'll gladly take that list," the FBI agent said. Xander's lawyer handed that file over. "Oh, more than we thought. He's...oh, dear." He looked at Xander, who shrugged. "He hates gay men."

"No idea why he wants me to be his concubine then," Xander quipped. "Not that I want any of them."

"Let us talk to them, Mr. Harris. You might be the reason that the world is a safer place." Xander smiled at that. Lavelle kept petting him to keep him calm. Someone tried to show up but the demon got glared at by Lavelle and President Xander, who stood up slowly as he pulled a sword off his necklace.

The demon stared at Lavelle then at Xander. "Why?" he demanded. "You cannot not know others of you. It's unholy!"

"We hold a convention," Xander quipped with a grin. "Every year." He stood up and manifested an axe. "Why did you show up to help the other side?"

"If you're taken, you would be easier to conquer."

"Yeah, no," Xander said smugly. "I'm not easy. Just like the other of me with this problem isn't. He's stopped whole realms. Fifty-six of them the last I heard. I can start with yours." The demon fled. He huffed, sitting down to cuddle his axe.

A demon guard appeared and tried to grab him so he fought it off and killed it then glared. "Not cute." The body went to dust and no others appeared. He sat down to wipe his axe off then cuddle it again. "Sorry they were rude, Your Honor, but some demons weren't raised right."

"I can tell." He stared at him. "Where did that one come from, Mr. Harris?"

"Home. I summoned it." He smiled. "It's my baby."

"I can tell." He nodded. "All right. Is Mr. Fisk's bad idea going to end?"

"Yes, Your Honor. We believe it's a bad idea to keep bothering this bothered young man." Xander threw the axe at the next demon that showed up which Lavelle shot at the same time. It died. Went to goo. Xander got up to get his axe to clean again with a sigh. The lawyers all looked like they were going to piss themselves. "Let us not bother this young man again."

"Good idea," the judge agreed. "I'm awarding Mr. Harris half of Mr. Fisk's income for this year." He banged his gavel. "Have a better and safe day, gentlemen." They left together, Xander putting on his belt once they were out of the courtroom. The judge moaned. He was in Fisk's pocket but not even the overlord of the city would want to deal with that stuff. Plus it looked like the agents were going to get there first.

***

Xander was in the park when he ran into Matt Murdock. He leaned down in front of him. "What does Frank need the most?" he asked quietly. "And tell him I've got Dog again. He's safe."

"I can do that, Mr. Harris."

"What does he need?"

"A miracle."

"Would that two mil I got from Fisk for annoying me help?"

"I... his bills won't be that bad. I hope." Xander grinned. "But if you want to pay for me to represent him I can do that."

Xander handed him an envelope. "I was on the way to your office to make sure he didn't have to have a public defender."

"I appreciate him not being an outstanding bill." Xander grinned again. "Are you safe enough to walk around out here?"

"Yeah. INTERPOL got a lot of terrorists with the FBI recently thanks to Fisk giving them my name. Though I do need to get rid of another present. One just came today and it's super tacky. Almost as bad as the jeweled taxidermy animals or the bejeweled skull." He walked off again. "Have a better day."

"You as well." He tucked that envelope into his jacket pocket so it wouldn't get lost. He went right to the bank. Any extra he'd donate to a good charity in Hell's Kitchen. He'd think about what that present was but he didn't need a headache today.

Xander found an agent and stared at them. "FBI?" he guessed. The guy nodded slowly. "I'm Xander Harris."

"I've heard the gossip."

"One of the ones they tried to bust recently sent me something super tacky. Nearly as bad as jeweled taxidermy animals. Would they like it since I'll have a fit if I have to look at it again?"

"We can show up to look at it."

Xander grinned. "Please." He walked off, going home. The girls were staring at that present in horrified awe. "Yeah, that thing. And the other one." He went to get it and let the agents in, he checked the presents, getting another one. "From the same guy. I sent back a few 'not interested' letters." He handed them over. "The other's in the kitchen upstairs." They went up the escalator and found that present.

The lead agent stared at it. "That's very disturbing."

Xander came up nodding. "Yeah. The other two I didn't even open. No idea how bad it is." He put them on the counter so they could open them once they had gloves on.

The lesser agent looked at the first one. "This one's been deactivated? It had a launcher."

Xander looked then sniffed it. "Cocaine. Which will make me a bit twitchy but I heal very fast." He put it back down and handed over a plastic bag.

The others got opened and the lead agent stared at one thing. "That's a tongue."

Xander looked. "Is that a human tongue?"

"Yes, apparently."

"Huh. Is there a note so we can find out whose tongue?" It got found and he looked at it. "Oh, that's interesting. Hey, Clint?" He came down the stairs. He showed him the note. "That says that's Crispin's tongue. We've seen him and he was talking."

"I'm going to figure that out," he decided. "We can test it against his DNA on file." He smiled. "I'm SHIELD Agent Barton."

"Heard about you," the lead agent said. "Can we do that quietly?"

Xander called Agent Crill. "It's Xander. We just opened a present that said it's Agent Crispin's tongue. Please. Thank you, Agent Crill. No, Clint's here and so are FBI agents. No, that guy in Bulgaria. Again. Thank you, Crill. We're about to harvest berries if you want some." He hung up and grinned at Clint, who smirked back. "That's the first guy I was to report these sort to."

"That's fine," the lead agent said. "It's a good thing. We can work with him." Clint nodded, giving them the proper number and office address for that. They took the presents back to the office to go over.

***

Agent Crill walked up to the main office with a smirk. "Director, we've got an infiltration."

Nick Fury raised his head to stare at him. "An infiltration?" he demanded. "Why?"

"Harris got sent a tongue with the name of the agent it belonged to. The FBI lab agreed it was his based on the DNA on file. Our lab said the one running around isn't him."

"That's an infiltration. Who?"

"Crispin. Who is trapped in the bathroom on three. He's locked himself in there when he heard the rumors that Xander was taking to other agents about some of his presents."

Fury smiled. "That's very good to know, Agent Crill. The ones who have him there?"

"I set the whole rookie class to watch that door. That way he doesn't get out. I told them he was pretending to be an agent."

"That's sweet of you to give them a training exercise." He got up. "Let me go see who that really is." He strolled down there, nodding at the maintenance team to open the door. They did and he looked at the agent. "So, let's talk about your real name."

The guy looked at him. "I'm Agent Crispin!"

"Your DNA doesn't say that."

The guy looked around then at him. "I...." He started to pull his gun but one of the rookies came in to get it from him and haul him up to walk off.

"Interrogation room. Whichever is closest." They went to watch how that went. They needed to see one anyway.

Harris gave such nice presents to SHIELD. Especially with how many terrorists had just went down thanks to wanting the boy's ass as their favorite toy and treat.

The End.
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