Not That Sort of Friends.









Xander found the battle by accident. He really did. Then again, he found many things by accident that no one should be able to just happen into. A cult of pygmies that worshiped a mystical gorilla that was possessed came to mind. Xander watched the battle then shook his head and pulled out a weapon to fire on the idiot bad guys. "I've dated worse than your boss is," he yelled when everyone stared at his location. "Go the fuck home, people. Before I get tired of it and go date him to ruin your whole organization." He stepped into view. "Now please." The head bad guy moaned and ran toward him. "Oh, hey, Jacques." He let the bad guy kiss him. "Shoo. I need to talk to my bro."

"But, Xander," he moaned. "Please?"

"I just saw Georgie again."

"Then you probably need to commiserate. Dinner?"

"He's busy," a male voice called and shot him with an arrow.

Xander wiped the blood off him then grinned up. "Hi, Clint." He'd sulk about his former lover being seriously injured later.

"Xander. Problems?"

"I ran into Georgie."

"Am I going to have to hear someone else bitch about you and gun tag? And who won?"

"She did. Well, we tied until she traumatized the same plebe SHIELD agent for the second time when he tried to arrest us as we snuck off." He shrugged and grinned. "I came to see if you wanted lunch."

"I can do that after we clean up."

"Sure." Xander looked at the bad guys, grinning and waving a bit. "Hi, I'm Xander Harris. I'm with the Council. Watch me summon something to eat you all." They all whined. "Really. Two seconds, guys. My attention span is *not* that great." They tried to flee but got caught. Xander shrugged and grinned at Natasha, who huffed and shook her head. "Awww, come on, you know you're dangerous enough for me."

"Yes, but I have more sanity, Xander."

"Pity. Maybe someday?"

"Perhaps if I lose sense."

Agent Hill and the rest of the SHIELD team responding to the battle showed up. Hill sneered as she stomped over. "Harris, why were you and your demented ex-girlfriend playing gun tag around the SHIELD base?" she demanded.

"She picked the obstacle course. I didn't even expect to run into her, Agent Hill. I came up to talk to Clint because I'm lonely and he knows some really nice people." He grinned. "Though I still say it sucks that we almost got stopped twice."

"You traumatized junior agents!" she said firmly and loudly. So what if people were staring. This guy drove her insane in ways that not even a long vacation to an asylum would cure. There were not enough drugs in the universe for her to deal with Xander Harris.

"They tried to butt in. Though she won because she ended up traumatizing hers twice."
"How many grazes?" Natasha asked. It was almost habit each time she ran into Xander. Or Xander and Clint hanging out. It was a horribly bad habit that she couldn't seem to give up no matter how much she'd like to.

"Two each. We only had forty-fives. Not like when we had laser tag that time."

"You two had real lasers?" Natasha asked dryly.

"Was that in Pisa?" Clint asked as he slid down his grappling line.

"Um... Not the one she's thinking of but that was the other time we had lasers for laser tag, yeah." He grinned and gave him a guy-hug with back slaps. "So, Agent Hill, I'm happy to tell you that Giles is on his 'oh Dear Lord Janus' vacation of the year so you get to deal with me for the upcoming problem." He smiled. "I'm sure you'll do fine backing up the slayers."

"Why me?" she muttered, glancing up. She stared at him. "We can retrieve Mr. Giles, Xander."

"You go right ahead, and while you're drying him out, we have a battle next week in Germany." He smiled. "We've got six girls going because it's not supposed to be too huge. I've got the others nearby on standby and the witches to bring them to us. Oh, and there'll be a slight problem here in the city because there's a poker tournament." He could see her muttering about God giving her strength and why couldn't the Avengers have a different handler, or even getting Coulson back from the dead. Xander grinned. "I can ask someone for you."

"Don't you dare," Hill warned, glaring at him. "Germany's plans?" Xander pulled out his PDA, which was older and Tony Stark shuddered when he spotted it, but sent it to her phone. She looked them over. "Compact as your usual ones, Harris. Fine, we'll have teams be on alert over there."

Xander walked over to point. "He's human so therefore not the slayers' problem. He's a chaos sorcerer."

She just nodded, making that note. "I'll have someone look him up later. Thank you for the warning. Poker tournament?" Xander grinned and nodded. "Kitten poker?"

"Slave poker this time. One of the bigger warlords among the demon warrior clans died so they're playing to see who takes his place and his possessions."

She rubbed her forehead for a second then made herself stop when she realized what she was doing. "We can stop that."

"Sure, if you want to have an open war instead," he said dryly. "Faith talked them out of Gladiatoring it for a winner take all war."

"We can watch the poker games then," Agent Hill decided. She stared at him. "Can you go home now?"

"I'm hoping my email buddy can introduce me to someone nice since Georgie says she has to go back to Russia tonight."

"Georgina?" Natasha guessed, looking over at him.

"She just changed it again to Georgette but yup." He smiled. "She's an ex I still really like."

"Mostly because she's not in jail," Clint quipped with a smirk for him.

"That too but she's fun to play with. Very squealy at the right moment."

"I do not need to know," Hill said firmly, then sighed and calmed herself down again. "Go home, Harris."

"This is my home. I'm now in charge of the North American office since Giles is going to be setting back up the UK office and heading it. He's feeling old and hating American stuff again. Apparently there's no good tea makers that he can find in Cleveland."

"He's British," Clint told Steve when he stiffened. He looked at Xander. "I've been briefed on a few and I was going to see if you had already dated them." He walked him off. "Subs?"

"Or whatever. You know I'm not picky after eating all that stuff in Africa and Asia."

"Good." He took him to his favorite deli before Xander told him about eating scarab beetles again. Or worse, monkey parts.

Agent Hill took a calming breath and looked at Agent Romanoff. "We could assign you....."

"If you should try, I'll retire," she said bluntly.

"Fine. Find someone *sane*?"

"He prefers his lovers to be dangerous," Natasha said dryly then shrugged. "It's not my doing."

"Fine. Whatever." She walked off. "Clean this mess up, people. Let's get everyone out of the open." The SHIELD agents hurried up. It was clear Agent Hill was now having a bad day.

"Who was that?" Steve Rogers asked. "I've never heard of him."

"That is Xander Harris. He's the head trainer and armory master at the Watchers Council," Stark said as he landed, putting up his faceplate. "He's a bit enthusiastic about things."

"Including weapons and weapons dealers," Natasha said dryly. "He's listed on SHIELD's top ten dangerous people list, Captain. Though he's not evil like most of them, and he's probably dated most of the others."

"What's the Watchers Council?" Steve asked.

"We'll explain it at home," Stark said. "I'll pull up videos for you." They got taken home and he did a great profile on Harris. Harris was a bit...strong when you first met him.

"He reminds me of this guy I met in the war," Steve said. "Named Jack."

"He does," Natasha agreed. "I know him as well. He's still an asshole." She settled on the couch, pulling up Xander's SHIELD profile. It was mostly empty. "I see Rosenburg got into their files again," she said dryly, finding an older copy in the backups. He read them over, frowning a lot. "He's on the same side we are, he's just...unique."

"Why does he like Clint? Did they date?"

"I'm not sure," Stark admitted. He looked at Natasha.

"Not that I've known," she said. "I know we've both run into him on assignments as he was dating our target. He and Clint talked about one of them and Xander helped us get that one away from his kidnaping friends so we could capture him. I'm told he still writes Xander letters from prison."

"So, vampires, magic, all that's real?" Steve asked. They both nodded. "Why haven't we known this?"

"It was hidden very hard," Tony said. "The old Council used to take out people that found out or stepped into their girl's duty. Then they got blown up and the former Sunnydale team took over the Council to rebuild it. Now they're a lot better."

Natasha nodded. "They no longer take in children to program. Now they have families and training with them and afterward. It's a lot better for the girls." Clint came off the elevator. "Xander had to go?"

"Georgie wanted goodbye sex. She said she's heading to St. Petersburg. So probably Moscow." He sat down and pulled up his own personal files, letting Steve read them. Steve had to blink at many things.

"Live ammo gun tag," Steve said finally. "Why?"

"Georgie's like that and Xander is the sort of guy who gives his dates whatever they want within reason. He refused to help one steal something but helped her stretch first after some great sex. She had to call off that night because she fell asleep in the cab on the way over. She made Xander go somewhere else for a few days so she could pull it but the owner was back unexpectedly from Mexico so she got arrested. Of course, she told the drug lord about Xander while they waited. He was interested but Xander had to take him down because he hates drug lords."

Steve shook his head, moaning some. "God bless him because he clearly needs it," he muttered.

"I think he just needs a girl or boyfriend who can keep up with him," Natasha said dryly. "His never seem to be able to. No one else's lovers seem so willing to share so they're not as worn out as Xander makes them."

Clint looked at her. "I asked him about that once." He pulled up a file. "That was his almost fiancee. He left her at the altar after her former coworkers showed how miserable they'd be." Natasha shuddered. "Thor might've known her. We should ask the next time he's down." Steve was staring at the file, mouth slightly open. Finally his jaw clicked shut and he licked his lips. "Anya, when she was alive, was a go all night sort."

"I heard that she used to complain about not getting enough sex," Tony said. "I'm shocked he had the stamina for it after patrol and working all day."

"Anya only wanted the orgasms, Stark. She complained about not getting at least six a night. After a few weeks, that got cut down. So yes, Xander has incredible stamina. His present lovers all think it's too much."

"So he was working all day, had a few hours of patrol, and then met her needs?" Natasha asked, looking amused. Clint grinned and nodded. "That's insane."

"He said it helped him a lot when he went to Africa and had a lot of non-sleeping time while training the slayers there. Then he came home, got treated like shit by the girls, and went to Asia instead. Then South America." She shivered. "Yeah, he's the one that took down Paulo Resata. Dumbass weapons dealer tried to kidnap him instead of dating him." She shook her head with a moan. Clint started to go on but she held up a hand. Clint grinned at her. "Heard about that?"

"I was supposed to be taking him out when news came up that he had fallen down his stairs in a fit because he couldn't have the one he wanted."

"The ones that Xander still likes are pretty cool with him and the girls but if they parted on bad terms or something like that, then they tend to have very bad luck," Clint said. "A few of the ex's I've talked to think that Anya put a curse on his dick."

"You got that close and didn't deal with them?" she asked, tipping her head slightly to look down at him.

"For about six months, Fury had me following Xander. I arrested them after they quit dating. Fury asked why so I showed him video of Xander pouting after I burst in to arrest one while they were having sex. Fury decided I'm warped and the kid's really warped."

She nodded. "Yes, he is. We may be able to cure you yet."

He smirked. "The same sort of dangerous women like me, Nat. Mine are just good girls too."

She huffed. "Not likely."

Stark grinned at her. "How long has he been hitting on you?"

"Each and every time we run into each other, even if I'm on assignment." She shook her head. "Though it did help me with a few. It only busted my cover once and he nicely helped me remove them from the obstacle they were becoming."

"Was that Freidrick?" Clint asked. She nodded. "They were on the outs anyway. Xander found out that he was selling biological weapons to a group near one of his slayers. You know he'll kill over his girls."

"I find that admirable, especially with what they're destined to do," she said. "I find Xander to be a bit grating and a bit bouncy."

"Yeah, sex cures that," Clint said dryly. "I've run into him being bouncy right before a huge problem and helped him call one of his ex's for a night of less stress. The next morning, all focused and ready to jump into battle. His lover had to remind him to eat, and Xander hadn't really gotten to sleep yet, but it went well and he only got a few injuries."

"So he's the shadow version of you?" Stark joked. "Should we get him a uniform?"

"I asked Fury about recruiting him once," Clint said smugly.

"Was that when he had to be rushed to the infirmary for his blood pressure?" Natasha asked. Clint grinned and nodded. "He would do it to me too." She got comfortable. "Germany?"

"He said it's a summoning bad guy."

"Hmm." She nodded. "Interesting. Are we going to be helping?"

"I don't know," Clint admitted.

"Okay." She changed files. "This is the head slayer." Steve read it over, slowly shaking his head. "She has an admirable record."

"I met her at an event. She has a great bullshit shield acting like an airhead," Stark said. "Totally confused a bunch of people there. Including some military people and a few senators. The president laughed about it."

Steve looked down at him. "Why?"

"Because it helps with her cover," Clint said. "If the things they fight know too much about the slayers then they're vulnerable. Plus it gets her underestimated. She gives me a headache every time we meet with her airhead act."

Natasha nodded. "Me too." She pulled up the others he should learn about. "I can't find one."

"Dawn's is locked under penalty of people killing whoever reads it," Clint reminded her. "Rosenburg cursed her file so anytime an agent read it he died."

"I forgot about that." Stark was shaking his head and sipping his water. "Dawn is Buffy's younger sister. She's a bit...perky."

"Her sister tried so hard to protect her to the point where Dawn would never date," Clint agreed. "Xander helped her though. The whole upper Council fights like family at times, and sometimes it gets to a shouting and punching match." Stark nodded he'd seen one of those. "Usually started by Buffy and Willow."

"I thought it was nice that Xander finally shot back at them," Stark said. "He let them go on for almost an hour. I don't see how anyone can be nagged that long but he eventually said something to them and they both shrieked then tried to hit him so he decked Buffy and then looked down and said 'see what the normal guy can do' before stomping off. Probably to find a sympathetic bad girl."

"Or bad guy," Natasha said. Stark smirked at her. "He is bisexual."

"He told me he wasn't sure he was until he got kidnaped by one," Clint said dryly. "Then they had to talk about it because Xander would've killed him and the guy *really* wanted Xander." She just rolled her eyes. "So they worked it out. Even when he was having to strip to fix his car during his roadtrip, he didn't even think to try that."

Steve looked at him. "Why?"

"It was a job that paid better than fast food," Clint said. "His car exploded."

"Oh." He went back to reading. "Is... She's kinda scary."

"Yes, she is," Stark agreed. "And brain warping." Bruce came out of the elevator back to himself. "We're getting Cap up to date on the Council."

"I thought I saw Xander. He walked up to me once when I was battling some idiot supposed rebels and gave the Hulk a hug then thanked him for protecting his slayer. Then he turned and shot the rebels in non-fatal ways."

Clint snickered, nodding. "Sounds like Xander," Natasha agreed. "He said he's not afraid of much anymore. Except kraken and jellyfish for some reason."

"They like him," Clint told her. "There was a kraken in a portal in Africa. His slayer had to fight for over an hour to get him free of it and it *really* liked him." She shuddered. "When I asked him about what happened so we could do a report, he called up an ex, said he needed cuddles, and went to where they were to get them."

"I think I would have them as well. Kraken ... did it try to eat him?"

"No," Clint said.

"Eww."

He nodded. "Yup."

"Poor man." Steve shuddered but went back to his reading. She highlighted a section. "That's a side-group that they have helping but they're in England. No matter how much the British hate them they're still in Devon."

"I heard Fury nearly managed to have Rosenburg banished over there permanently," Stark said. He finished his water and threw out the bottle.

"I know a lot of people who are scared of Willow Rosenburg," Bruce said. "Especially when she's trying to be cute." He sat down. "She tries very hard to be a normal, cute lesbian girlfriend. She was dating one of the slayers for a while."

"Kennedy died," Natasha said.

"At least Willow didn't try to end the world over Kennedy," Clint told her.

"She did?" Stark and Bruce demanded. Clint nodded. "Why?" they asked in unison.

"Magic addiction. She had just gotten back with her when she was killed next to her." He shifted to curl up some. "I can understand that grief. She didn't have another way to express it. So she sucked up black magic and went to pull up a shrine to a Goddess that would destroy everyone to make them feel like her. Xander stopped her." Stark slumped, staring at him, mouth open. "It'd be like you losing Pepper right after getting back together with her, Stark."

He swallowed. "I can see that grief. I wouldn't try to destroy others."

"You learned how to cope with liquor. Rosenburg never learned how to cope for all that her parents are shrinks."

"I thought they might be related," Banner said dryly. "Is she better?" Clint nodded. "Good!"

"She's mostly got a lid on her magic addiction but there's been a few fights over it," Natasha said more quietly. "They have it under control and give her useful places to use it."

Steve cleared his throat. "There's no AA for that, right?"

"That's the purpose of the Devon coven," Clint said. He grinned at him. "She's better, Cap."

"That's good." He went back to reading. He felt sorry for the kids. "No way to free the girls from that calling?" They all shook their heads. "Damn. Poor girls. They're just kids."

"They have to be adults to go on patrol or assignment unless there's an apocalypse battle," Stark said quietly. "Xander and Buffy made sure of it. She was called at fifteen." Steve shuddered. "They make sure the girls get a life. Xander's stomped a few of the old Council that was left over that. Nearly went to jail for it but the cops decided he was defending the toddler they were trying to kidnap."

Clint nodded. "He got a few in Africa too. He bribed his way out of three of them." Steve swallowed but nodded at that. "Xander's very much a do what's gotta be done guy, Cap. He's a good guy. He's a bit goofy but he's a good guy. He's just seen way too much darkness."

"I think it's nice we no longer track him to see which member of which watch list he's dating," Natasha said. "Didn't that end after the triplets?"

Clint considered it then nodded. "Or the one after them."

"Triplets? That's enterprising," Bruce said sarcastically.

"Triplet arms dealers and assassins," Clint said with a smirk for him. "They taught Xander all sorts of new weapons and how to make better bombs, plus homemade canister grenades."

"I heard the agent that was following him around had a slight breakdown," Natasha added. "Especially when the director asked if he was asking to be reassigned because he wanted Harris for himself."

"I heard he went on religious retreat and came back determined to be more right with God and the good side," Clint said with a smirk for her. "That it was showing he had slipped off the light's side. He's dating a slayer."

"That's nice. The girls could use more understanding boyfriends."

Stark shook his head with a groan. "I'm glad I'm not the sort he likes." He stood up to get another bottle of water. "Steve, Bruce?"

"Please," Bruce said.

Steve got his own beer and sat back down to finish reading over the files they had pulled up for him. Everyone stared at him. "This is going places even fairytales don't go. It's a bit...creepy."

"It can be but it's gotta be handled," Clint said. His phone rang so he looked at it then answered it. "What's up, Xander?"

"Please get out of my files before the virus they attached to it happens," the voice said from the phone. "Because there's agents here who think I somehow run a terrorist organization due to inheriting it. I've never even heard I inherited anything. Dude, then someone should've told me," he complained loudly. "Not like I heard a *thing* about inheriting anything! And don't most of those groups have a chain of command or something?"

"Are you at SHIELD?" Clint asked.

"No, I'm with the FBI. Somehow they think that the slayers are female-centered terrorists too. Don't make me call in an emergency code please?"

"Coming," Clint said. He hung up as he stood up and strolled off. In the elevator he called Hill. "Did you sic the FBI on Harris? They think he's inherited a terrorist network and the slayers are part of it." He listened to her complain but said she'd look into it. "He called from in there." He hung up and got a cab. Thankfully he had a tracker on Xander. He had the code for his lifesign monitor too. Just in case. Xander trusted him not to use it for fun or profit - or to track who he was sleeping with to arrest them. He got to that building and walked in, flashing his SHIELD ID. The receptionist spluttered. Clint shrugged and kept going, finding the room he was in. He walked in and looked at them. "If you did that injury to his jaw you're in deep shit."

"Who're you?" one demanded.

"Agent Barton with SHIELD." He held up his ID. He pulled over the phone on the table, calling someone. "Hill?"

"That file was started by an overzealous rookie agent," she said dryly.

"Who is that?" one of them sneered.

"I'm the Executive Officer of SHIELD, boys. I'm Senior Agent Hill." She cleared her throat. "Research said that the agent has a brother that's attracted to Xander but they haven't met and he's trying to prevent his brother from going bad."

"Great," Clint said. "Want me to call in the emergency code?"

"That's going to blow that," Xander said. "I had to last year when I ran into a slight apocalypse battle. He was not pleased."

"He'd be less pleased to have the Slayers on his doorstep," Clint said. "Hill?"

"Do it." She hung up.

He dialed a number from Xander's phone, one he had stolen. "Sir, Agent Barton for Xander."

"What now? New battle?"

"Somehow the FBI believes that the slayers are terrorists. I caught them trying to interrogate Harris by pain." One of them tried to hit him so he slammed them into the wall. "I'm a SHIELD agent, kid. I can fuck you up legally." He let him go. "Sir?"

"Boys," the president said. "Leave the Council the fuck alone." One was choking. "New York, Barton?"

"Yes, sir. Sub-basement level 3. Room 2 by the sign on the door."

"Stay with him. If Xander has to fight back, so be it." He hung up.

"We won't let you sully the US any longer," one sneered and tried to hit Clint. Who punched him back. It turned into a brawl.

Ten minutes later an older man cleared his throat from the doorway. "Boys." Xander looked at him from having an agent in a headlock. His good eye was now starting to bruise and it looked like his nose was broken. Clint was in a similarly bad shape. "Let the nice agents go, boys. Then go." They dropped the agents they had been beating and walked past him. "Harris, the next battle?"

"As far as we know, Germany in a week. You'll have some problems with a local poker tournament for someone's position but it was that or an all out war."

"We like poker. We can help SHIELD monitor it." He looked at his agents. "Let's talk, boys." He walked in and shut the door once Xander and Clint were in the hallway.

Clint looked at Xander. "It's going to bruise the bad one too," he said. They heard a gunshot and Clint looked then hit a 911 code on his phone. Within minutes SHIELD had invaded the FBI building and down to their location. "Gunshots," he reported, getting Xander out of the way. "No one's come out or screamed. One then a pause then two more."

The response team burst in and took down the agent that had shot the local assistant director and others. "He made me do it!" the agent shrieked. "It's some sort of spell or something!"

"I can't do magic," Xander called.

The head of the response team looked at him. "Thankfully. Go get cleaned up, boys." Xander nodded, letting Clint lead him off. "No wonder Hill's having an aneurysm, Harris does it to her every time," he muttered once those two were gone.

His second looked over. "Think she's fighting off her lust for him?" he joked with a grin.

"Nah. She's dangerous enough but not evil enough." They shared a smirk and got people down to clean up this problem.

***

Clint walked Xander off the elevator back at Avengers tower. "I invited him to dinner," he announced.

"That's fine," Stark said. He looked at them. "I didn't know a missing eye could be blackened but I guess that makes sense."

Xander hugged him. "I like you too, Stark. That's why I took out the demon pretending to be a researcher last week so it quit trying to suck off the giant arc reactor out there."

"Thanks." Xander let him go. "Huge problems?"

"Dumbass rookies who decided the world will fit their viewpoint and shot the assistant director right after we walked out," Clint said. "The president said to hit them back."

"You talked to the president?" Steve asked.

Xander nodded. "I have an emergency call-in code in case of huge problems. I wouldn't have called for me but they were threatening the slayers and the girls would destroy them, and we'd possibly have demons in DC calling in their markers to make peace with them."

"Again?" Tony joked with a grin.

"Yup. They were kinda panicking hard after the LA invasion. Thankfully I was in Africa since Buffy didn't call me back." He looked at Natasha. "Who's the Waverly Group?" She knew smart, underground groups like that instead of individuals more often than Clint did.

She considered it. "The law firm?" He nodded. "They tend to do less than legal people's estates and trusts. Why?"

"Because the agents said that they raided them and found that I had inherited things that I know nothing about. That's why they supposedly pulled me in."

"Interesting." She called in. "Hill, Harris said the Waverly group got raided and that's why the FBI came after him." She listened, making notes on the files they found. "Very interesting. Please." She hung up. "They'll get the files to look over."

"We know part of it was an agent that wanted his brother to not want Xander," Clint said, taking an ice pack from Bruce. "Xander, ice pack?"

"I'm good."

Clint looked at him. "Take it anyway? Please?" He sighed but did that with a nod of thanks to Bruce. "Thanks. Most normal guys sit down and rest when they have bruised and broken things like ribs and noses. Unlike you who asked if I wanted to spar."

Natasha looked at Xander. "Are you suicidal?"

"No. You never get a chance to rest up long enough. There's always another problem or another hunt right when you'd like a nap. So if I don't show I need a nap or healing time, they won't come right when I don't want them to. It's worked for me for years."

She nodded. "We handle that in New York so you don't have to." Xander grinned. "No hugging, Xander."

"Yes, ma'am."

"Thank you." She went to help with dinner. Bruce nicely knocked Xander out from behind. "Nice."

"He clearly needs a rest."

"No, he's usually like that," Clint said.

"Have you two...." Stark asked, making swishy motions between them with his hand.

"He's like a younger brother, Stark."

"You are a lot alike," he agreed. Bruce and Steve put Xander in the recliner to curl up and nap. "This law firm?"

"They hold running away trusts for many covert agents as well," Natasha said. "I used to have one with them before I joined SHIELD."

Clint nodded. "Mine too. SHIELD hates them." He looked them up on his phone. "They have a local office. We can go ask."

Natasha looked at him. "You are injured. No you will not." He grinned at her. "Before I knock you out as well." She pointed with the knife she was using to chop onions.

"Now I see why Xander likes you so much," he teased back.

"Maybe it's a concussion," Bruce joked.

"Nah, no hitting on the head. A few bruises on my stomach but not more than that and a black eye, Doc."

"That's fine. Go rest anyway, Clint." He walked off shaking his head. Xander was nicely curled up and mumbling in his sleep but it was cute. Clint took video of it to show his next decent enough bad girlfriend or boyfriend so they'd want to coo over Xander for longer. It might cure his bounciness.

***

Natasha was dressed in her SHIELD uniform the next morning. It was no use hiding who she was. These people already knew her and so did most everyone else in New York. She had on her nicer gun harness and had taken the time to make sure her gun was nicely clean. Xander was in jeans and a loose t-shirt. She would have nagged but Xander was not her boyfriend and she didn't think he owned anything but jeans and t-shirts. She walked him into the law firm's office, smirking slightly when he opened the door for her. "Thank you."

"Welcome." Xander looked at the confused looking receptionist. "I'm Xander Harris and the FBI said that you guys have files with my name in them for inheritance purposes. No one's ever told me a thing."

"I can see if one of the associates can look that up for you, Mr. Harris," she said, calling that back. One of the senior partners came out.

Xander stared at him, hand hovering by his back holster. "Hi."

"Peace, Knight."

"Okay, just making sure." He shook his hand. "The FBI said I inherited stuff but no one's ever told me."

"You have." He looked at the charming woman next to him. "Is she your second-in-command?"

"She's here because she understands stuff I don't, like business stuff and law stuff. I've never even dated a lawyer."

The senior partner smiled. "That's always a wise thing. Come to my office, Mr. Harris. I have to have the file sent to me from our office in Brazil."

"Toddy or Rebecca?" he asked as they followed.

"Both, and a few others. We consolidated. We thought you were down there."

"I'm in and out of most places but I'm about to take over the US's main Council house."

"That's wonderful. I'm sure the slayers will do excellent under your command as usual." He pointed at some chairs and sat in his to email those people. Four files and a lock box appeared on his desk a few minutes later. "Where's...." A wrapped bundle fell with another two files. "I do not know about them." He glanced at them and sent them an email. Another three appeared from another office. "I did not realize we had so many. I thought we had consolidated."

Xander frowned. "Is someone going around to kill my ex's?" That many files of inheritances with him named was probably a bad sign and that was the most likely reason he could think up.

"Perhaps," he admitted. "Some of the ones that like you are like that." One last file and a small bundle appeared. "All right, that seems to be it." He pulled out the ones he knew first. That question got sent to the other offices. They could see if he was right. He looked over at the bing, nodding. "Yes, there is one. A wannabe Black Widow?" He looked at her.

"I have not heard about any copycats. If you have information I would like to talk to them."

"If we have it, Agent Romanoff." He smiled and went back to the files. Xander was giving it all funny looks. "It could be worse. None of it has taxes pending on it."

"That's good but Giles is going to stay on his Oh Dear Janus vacation. Even though he introduced me to two of them." He texted him quickly then put his phone up. "So he knows that his former fraternity brothers are gone." The lawyer almost smiled at that. "What am I going to do with all this?"

"They're presently merging together to form a new paranormal and paramilitary organization to back up the slayers," he said.

Xander smiled. "I like that idea. Who's organizing them?"

"Paulette Milarn."

"I like her," he admitted. He blinked a few times. "So what do I need to do?"

"I'll inform her that you're now aware so she can meet you."

Xander looked at Natasha. "If you want to retire from SHIELD, you can help me with this."

She patted him on the wrist. "I would murder you, Xander. Horribly."

"Okay." He went back to it while the lawyer tried not to laugh. "I let the scary ones have their own things. It makes me a smart semi-boyfriend sort to them. This one won't date me." She pinched him. The lawyer did laugh. Xander kept going, nodding at what was in there. "What's theirs that I don't have to push into them?"

The lawyer nicely drew out a chart for him. "Here, these are the wills that have nothing to do with it so far. These ones are being coordinated into it. These ones are already involved."

Xander nodded slowly. "So I now help fund an international paramilitary group that deals with the big shit in the world?"

"I thought that was SHIELD's job," Natasha said dryly.

Xander grinned at her. "You can still join."

"Xander. Focus." He nodded, grinning at the lawyer, who smirked back. She was taking notes mentally for her report. Fury was on enforced vacation thanks to SHIELD medical. This might just get him back into the open. "We should talk to them, make sure that they're not doing things that would upset the slayer's reputation," she told him.

Xander nodded. "That might be a good idea. How are they funding themselves?"

"Basically at the moment they're selling off the weapons they don't think they'll need."

"Leave Peter's self destruct if they can. That's my plan for a last ditch, have to close the hellmouth and we all die moment." He made that note to someone's email. "Thanks." He looked it over then looked at the lawyer. "Who do I need to see beyond Paulette?"

"She'll bring them with her. She's already promised to be in New York tomorrow, Mr. Harris."

"Cool. I can get a room at a nice hotel."

Natasha looked at him. "I believe we want you under better supervision in case something happens. Clint has a couch."

"Yeah but he's not into me either," he said dryly, looking at her. "We're buddies and I'm not going to impose. Apparently I can afford a hotel room. A swanky one even."

She nodded. "He or I still need to be there." He grinned. "Mind out of the gutter, Xander."

"Fine." He looked at the lawyer. "My phone number's changed." He wrote it down and took the chart and files. "What're those?"

"Those are specific bequeaths from a few different wills. The lockbox I'm not sure." He let Xander unwrap them. Xander stared at the few things. "Those are beautiful and if you need to liquidate them we can do that." Natasha took the lockbox to pick open. "We have the key, Agent Romanoff."

"I'm checking for explosives. Some of his ex's are like that." She looked. "That's a file."

Xander looked at it. "On the guy who was trying to make super soldiers again. He had no idea that I'm infertile or why. Good to know." He grinned. "Thank you."

"You're quite welcome. Think of us when you need to make your own plans." He smiled and shook his hand.

"They're out in LA with Gunn. He might not mind." The lawyer smiled and they drew up an agreement then Xander called Gunn to let him know. That meant one less thing he had to worry about so he agreed it was fine. Though Gunn thought they were mundane lawyers. They shook hands and Xander left with Natasha and all his new stuff to go over.

***

Xander walked off the elevator alone, carrying a large reusable shopping bag. "Here, Clint, I got you and Natasha some vodka." He handed over the bottle from the bag. "Natasha said she'd be back after she told Hill. Apparently my ex's banded together to form a nice group to back up the slayers."

Clint looked at the bottle of expensive vodka then at Xander. "Is this a bribe so I don't kill anyone?"

"Paulette's coming to explain things to me tomorrow and Natasha said wherever I end up tonight one of you has to sit with me so no one kidnaps me." He grinned. He pulled out the chart to show him.

Clint looked at it, then handed Stark the bottle. "Open that for me? My hands are full." That bottle was definitely a bribe not to kill any of Xander's ex's. Though it looked like someone was already doing that with all the names listed. He sat Xander down to look that over. "Damn."

"Natasha joked about thinking that was SHIELD's job."

Clint looked at him, nodding some. "Yeah, a bit. She's reporting to Hill?" Xander nodded, taking the bottle of vodka back for Clint then the glass for him with a single ice cube. Clint poured it full and gulped a few sips before going back to it. He took the bag to get into the files. "Is there someone killing your ex's?"

"Yes. He'll send us the files on them when they have them. I've texted all the ones I can think of that are free."

Clint looked at him, taking another drink. "We'll warn SHIELD's jail too. We have a lot of them." He sent that text to Hill. She'd understand soon enough if she didn't already. Clint was really happy with the vodka because Xander was now warping him, and usually he was immune to it.

"I told Natasha she could help me run it if she wanted to retire from SHIELD. You know you can help, right?" Xander asked with a grin.

"I'll keep that in mind as a fallback." He gave him a look. "Be less happy." Xander showed him the file from the lockbox. "Huh. Congrats on being infertile. Who is this moron and why is he trying to breed better soldiers?"

"I don't know. I'm just happy it didn't work."

Clint nodded. "Me too." He was happy it wasn't his either. Stark took that from him. "Sure, you tell us where he went wrong."

"My DNA is screwy," Xander reminded him.

"Good point." Clint went back to the files and the vodka. This was so, so bad.

***

Agent Maria Hill looked up as Natasha paused in the office doorway. "Why did I get a message from your partner to warn our jail that someone's taking out Harris' former lovers?"

"Because many of them have left him things thanks to that." She handed over the notes she had made in the cab.

Hill looked at it then looked up that group. "We know almost nothing on them outside the selling of weapons."

"They're selling off the spares to set themselves up."

Hill looked at her. "Dismantle it."

"The slayers could use the help."

"We have SHIELD for that."

"That's what I said but he did make a good case that sometimes we can't work in the same shadows they do. We have to answer to people above us."

Hill blinked a few times then nodded slowly. "While true, still dangerous."

"He's allowing Barton and myself to help him. One of his ex's will be in tomorrow to explain things to him."

"If you can, arrest her."

"I cannot and it would be counterproductive at this time."

"Pity. Fine. Open a file and deal with it. I've called the prison's warden to let him know. How many?"

"Sixteen files overall." Hill winced. "Three in the last two days in Central America."

"Great. Now I need to join the director on his vacation."

She smirked slightly. "Xander also has plans in case it's an end-game battle. One to sacrifice play the hellmouth that's open."

"I need to see those," she said.

"I'll see if we can talk him out of them." She stood up. "Xander bought Clint vodka for letting him have the couch." She left.

Hill rubbed her forehead. Fury had two more weeks on enforced vacation. She had to handle it for that long and then it'd be his headache, and possibly a stroke.

***

Paulette breezed into the hotel room Clint had chosen for this meeting. Natasha was seated at the small desk checking her email. Clint was on the couch with Xander. Neither one had gotten up when she had picked the lock. "Awww," she said with a happy smile. Xander hopped up to hug and kiss her. "Xander, baby." She looked at him. "No one told you?"

"No. No one told me a thing."

"I emailed you."

"Ah. That explains it."

"Hmm. Well, you know I'll spank Willow for you, dear." She looked at the two agents. "I brought you a present too. Your director was ignoring medical orders from what I heard. He's tied up in the rented warehouse." She handed over the slip. "That way that mean little bitch Hill can step back to try to run things behind him as she sees is proper." She smiled at Xander. "Let's go over things."

"Okay." He showed her the chart. She made notes on it and let him see her power point presentation. Xander was nicely impressed and she could tell she'd be pounced soon. Which was always a great thing. Some of the new upper minions had offered to work for sleeping with Xander hours.

Halfway through, Xander's phone rang. "What?" he asked. "Tell the little bitch that she's not in charge for me, Beth, please. Yeah and she also didn't tell me that I had inherited from some of my former lovers. Apparently she's hacking again. So can you stop her? What needs to be fixed. Giant....slayer eating plant." He rubbed his now aching head. "Okay. Call the coven.... they can't? Well, plant spray?"

"Lye," Natasha said. "Mixed with salt and bleach. Watch out for fumes and spray it on the roots."

Xander repeated that. "Agent Romanoff said so. Sure, I can be there to beat her. No, I'm talking to Paulette about the inheritances Willow didn't let me know I have when she hacked my email. Where's Buffy?" He blinked a few times. "Why is she in Bermuda?" The slayer told him. "Hmm. Are you the only non-magicked one? Because if so, go dump Willow down at the demon bar. They can eat the excess magic and free everyone else. Before I have to ask Dawn to do it, Beth." She gave that order and then how to kill the plant.

"She can join us," Paulette said with a smirk, teasing Xander's thigh.

He looked at her. "You can't kill her. We might need her."

"That's fine. We can train her to be a better backup to the slayers." She grinned. "I'll send someone to help with the plant if that spray doesn't work. We have people in town to help you and the girls." She sent that message. "They'll pick up Willow from the demon bar once the girls are all free."

He smiled. "Thanks, Paulette. That's better than I could do. I was going to paddle her. Buffy's in Bermuda getting some bikini time for some reason. No one's sure why." He heard Beth say something. "Well, that's charming," he said dryly. "Does Dawn know?" He nodded once. "That's a good thing to make her calm down. Yes, she needs a lawyer. Also, Giles' name is on her college fund, not Buffy's. Joyce knew that Buffy could easily die any day."

He leaned forward to rub his forehead. "I'll beat Buffy too. Thanks, Beth. Anything else I have to handle? Probably in a few days. I'm in New York. Thanks." He hung up and called Buffy. "Bitch, did you think your sister didn't need her college fund? And that your name's not on it? Like she can sue you for that?" Buffy hung up on him. "Fine." He took Paulette's phone since she had dialed. "Hi, my name is Xander Harris and I had custody of a young woman who was orphaned. Her older sister is down there thanks to stealing her sister's trust fund for college.

"Buffy Summers. Yes, the slayer. I'm trying really hard not to fly down there and beat her for doing this to her sister. No, her sister's in a rage and you might have a hurricane that only has *one* victim." He listened. "I can fill out that form and have Dawn herself send down a copy. Thank you." He hung up and texted that at Dawn, who said she'd do that and Giles hadn't realized he had signed them over to Buffy but by some of the forms in his inbox he had. Xander sighed, rubbing his forehead. "I'm going to kill Buffy. I really am. She needs to go back to Heaven."

Paulette rubbed his back. "We'll handle it, Xander. You know we will." He looked at her. She called some of her people to pick up Buffy to put her into custody for the police, to help Dawn, and to shift the money back that Buffy had stolen. She smiled. "See, we're good at helping."

He hugged her. "You're great at helping me. I would've went down there to kill the bitch."

"I know. Not that we don't want to do it for you." He laughed. She cuddled him. Clint nodded at the bedroom so she took him in there to help him calm down.

"I wonder if Dawn could create a single victim tornado or hurricane. It might come in handy," Natasha said quietly.

Clint smirked at her. "It might. We can ask when she's calmer. I don't want to give her any ideas. Fury?"

"I told Hill. She's thanking God." They shared a look and went back to killing time and handling things while Xander finished calming down, and had some sex. A lot of noisy sex. Natasha had to blush at some of the noises Paulette was making but Clint just shrugged it off when she glanced at him so apparently Xander was usually like that with his women.

***

Agent Hill led the way into the warehouse, finding a single chair with a single person tied to it. "Sir."

"Go stop Harris," he ordered. "He's creating a monster to take out."

"He didn't know until the day before yesterday. The FBI agents that tried to arrest him on specious charges told him he had inherited something from some former lovers. I have Barton and Romanoff helping him deal with it today." She looked at him. "So far we've had news that they're helping with some slayer embezzlement before Dawn Summers loses her temper and they're going to be taking Rosenburg into custody before she finishes driving Harris over the edge to evil overlord." She untied him. He glared at her. "It could be a lot worse, sir. He could be actively working against us. Right now we're on the same side and Romanoff is helping him fix things so they stay on the same side as the slayers."

Fury snorted. "Damn little bastard."

"He bought them a fifth of vodka last night for helping him." She walked out in her usual spot just slightly behind him. He did not look well. "Sir, should we visit Medical on the way to your office?"

"Don't you dare," he ordered, climbing into the SUV. "I don't need the help from the voodoo patrol." She climbed in to drive, smiling slightly. "How bad has it spread?"

"There's apparently a person who wants Xander all to themselves so they're killing his ex's. They've gotten two in our prisons." Fury winced. She checked his pulse, getting hit for it. "That's fine, sir, but you're not allowed to be that sick because I don't want your desk for the foreseeable future." She drove him to an ER instead of SHIELD's base medical. Fury could order their medical teams. He could not order around an ER's people. The nurse that checked him in was highly unimpressed with him and asked which gang he belonged to. Fury's near heart attack from ranting at her got him seen faster.

***

Stark looked up as his video conferencing system activated. "Hey, Rhodey. What's up?"

"There's chatter wondering if you're aligned to this new overlord guy Harris."

"Xander Harris?" he asked dryly. "Some of his ex's set it up and left it to him."

Rhodey stared at him. "The asshole from the Council?"

"Yup."

"The one that took my boss out on a date and made him cry?" he asked blandly.

"Your boss cried because his wife can't fuck him as well as Harris could," Stark shot back.

"Maybe." He looked around then at him. "There's a bit of worry about this."

Stark nodded. "He's seeing what they're doing. He just found out yesterday. Romanoff and Barton are helping him. They're meant to work with the slayers."

Rhodey shook his head. "There's been a constant rainstorm there that we were wondering about. Weather doesn't naturally do that."

"There was some slayer embezzlement. Their sister got very mad that her college fund went to Bermuda from what Romanoff warned. You might wanna pass that back since it was Summers."

"I can do that." He sent that email from his phone and looked around again then at him. "How messed up in that are you?"

Stark smirked. "Harris once said I'm adorable but I remind him of Rosenburg, only with a different addiction."

"Uh-huh." He considered it then nodded once. "That's bad."

"Probably but hey, that was the week I almost quit drinking totally."

Rhodey nodded. "I can see why. That'd make me quit drinking too." He stared at him. "What do I need to tell them?"

"Harris just found out thanks to a few plebes in the FBI. One of which shot an assistant director." Rhodey winced. "He nicely brought it to Barton, who is like a sibling to him, and Romanoff, who he likes to flirt with."

"I'd tap that if she gave me the slightest sign," he said dryly. "So it's under SHIELD's looking over his shoulder?"

"From what they said, it's to back up the slayers in places SHIELD can't get to," Tony said then shrugged. "I'm watching it because it's really amusing."

"Sure," Rhodey agreed. "Thanks, Stark." He hung up and turned to look at his bosses, who had been watching the whole thing.

"Fury's missing," one said.

"He got sent on vacation for his blood pressure, sir," Rhodey corrected. "He may be back by now. Hill tends to panic whenever Harris shows up. For some reason she seems to feel inadequate because she's not attracted to him, therefore not as deadly as she thinks."

"I don't think anyone can be as deadly as some of his," one of his superiors said. Rhodey grinned. "I wondered what made that guy retire. I thought it was a bad three-some that made him realize he was getting too old for that stuff." He looked at the others. "So we watch and wait?" They all nodded. "Good work, Colonel."

"Thank you, sir." They left. Rhodey went back to his actual job - liaisoning with the various DoD weapons people.

***

Clint sat up on the couch as Paulette came out of the bedroom. "He okay?" he asked quietly.

"I finally managed to get him to sleep." She sat on the arm of the couch, staring at him. "Why don't you two see each other?"

"We like our bro-ship," he said dryly. "We'd cancel each other out."

"Fine." She stood up. "We talked about various things. Most of it's going toward the new group and he set down rules on what we were not allowed to do. Including selling weapons." Clint smirked. "He kept one of the accounts for himself for travel and other needs. Plus had me move some of it to Dawn's college fund so she doesn't have to take out loans or anything." Clint nodded. "Buffy's fighting in the jail down there. Dawn filed US charges and that Buffy had fled the US with it for a long vacation. So they're looking into it too. Bermuda is holding her in custody for now."

"That's fine. Rosenburg?"

"She's going to wake up as a trainee." She smiled. "She's going to learn to do it the agent and Xander way." He grinned back. "You sure you two can't date? It'd be a great thing. You'd have someone to fuss over you."

"I have that."

"No you don't. Romanoff won't let you fuss over her most of the time unless she's in the hospital." She stared at him. "Xander needs someone to fuss over and someone to fuss over him. Think about it? Please? Oh, the one trying to take out his ex's hit the prison twice. We're pretty sure she's a cunt but we're not sure which one."

"The group or the status of being?" he countered.

"No, that semi-circus group from Romania isn't in on this. Xander's never met them as far as I know. But this one's taken out about ten of his ex's in the last month and a half, Clint. We don't know she won't come after you."

"I've got the guys at my back."

She smirked. "Good luck with that. I'm hoping I make it back to the training camp. If not, my will's with the same people. I had all of us make one out and put it with their office in Malaysia." She grinned. "Let me shower so I can catch my flight before Hill decides I'm going to be a bad influence again." She sashayed into the bathroom to shower and put on clothes.

Clint laid back down, thinking about that. He sent an email to Hill because at least they knew a bit more now about whoever this was. Female snipers with poisoning capabilities were rare. He only knew three off the top of his head and one was Natasha. The second was Paulette. He waved when she left, sending that email. He also made sure the junior agents downstairs that Natasha had placed on the room when she had left escorted Paulette to the airport and made sure she got off okay. She sent a 'thank you, that was sweet' back. He relaxed. It'd be okay. Xander could do damage control if he needed it and handle the rest. He might even take out the bad girl himself this time.

Xander came out and looked out the window. "Regina's over there." Clint hopped up but Regina was heading off. "Huh. I think I need to talk to Regina." He walked off texting everyone he knew.

Clint sent that in. Maybe they could stop this before Clint had nothing to do for the next few years. He'd be bored if all the bad guys and girls got taken out. He sent it to Natasha too, just in case since people had seen Xander flirting with her.

***

Natasha woke up with a start, looking at her vibrating phone. She looked at it. "That's a good thing to know." She looked at the second message. "Regina would fit that minimally." She got up to do a perimeter scan. No assassin wannabe temptress. There was an assassin but he just nodded at her when she spotted him. She stared at him. He must be a 'friend of Xander' since she didn't know him as more than a picture on a file. She found some paper and a pen to write a note and hold it up. He grinned and shook his head, pointing at his watch. She made another one and he nodded. She wrote a 'thank you' note to hold up and walked off. She ran into Steve on her way back. "We are being guarded in case someone wants to kill us to keep Xander for themselves."

"Agents?" he asked.

"Two assassins on nearby rooftops. Probably thanks to Xander." She went to her room. She carefully closed her door, locked it, then laid down to groan into her pillow. This always happened around Xander. It was always something weird.

***

Fury finally got out of the hospital, glaring at the agent there to drive him back to the office. "Let's go," he grumped as he climbed into the SUV.

"Do we need to stop by a pharmacy, sir?" he asked.

"No."

"Okay. Agent Hill wanted me to ask, sir." He drove off. "She said to tell you there is a new report from Agents Barton and Romanoff. There was a problem with the slayers but we think Harris caused it on purpose. We think they're going to be making future plans. I'm told that there's a problem in Germany next week, but that they have plans. Also that Rosenburg was removed from Cleveland by those same people that were meeting with Harris."

"That's interesting," he said. "Why?"

"No clue, sir, but we have been told that the storm that hovered over the house for nearly ten hours, and hit not one blade of grass on any other lawn in the city, has now dissipated."

Fury looked at him. "Rosenburg?"

"No clue."

"Stop the car." The agent gave him a look when they got to a redlight. "Stop the motherfucking SUV. You're not my agent. My agents would never answer 'no clue' to a problem going on."

"If you're sure, sir." He pulled over with a grin. He was pulled out of the driver's seat by Fury and handcuffed, being tossed into the trunk area and handcuffed to the seat frame.

Fury got back in to drive back to the SHIELD base. He paused at the gate. "Get him out and to an interrogation unit."

"ID, sir?" one demanded, hand on his gun.

"Do I look familiar?" he demanded.

"Yes, sir, but there's always a worry about shape changers or disguises," that guard said. "If not, we'll have to take you into custody as well, sir."

"Call Agent Hill."

"She can meet you in interrogation, sir," the guard said, pulling up his gun. "Out please." Fury huffed but those were his orders to the security teams. At least they were following orders.

Hill came down when she got told, about an hour later. "Director." She put down the fingerprint scanner, letting him slap his hand down on it with a bland look. It beeped a positive message. "Welcome back, sir. If you had told us I would've had you driven."

"That's okay, the guy said you already did."

"He's an assassin and he was one who was protecting the Avengers last night in case whoever is taking out Harris' ex's shows up." Fury stared at her, then shook his head. "I have full notes from their discussion waiting on you."

"Good." Fury stood up and followed her up to his office. "At least you guys followed orders. Good job on that," Fury complained as he walked past the guards.

"Thank you, sir." They stood down.

Fury walked into his office. Hill handed over his prescription bottle. Fury glared but sat down behind his desk. The reports were all laid out. "This is considered acceptable?"

"We can't get there to handle it," she said. "Better they're on the same side instead isn't it?"

"Not really."

She pushed one in front of him. "That's always better since we can't risk agents to get there."

He stared at it then nodded. "Rosenburg and the storm?"

"Storm was Summers. Her sister stole her college fund for a week in Bermuda. Summers is presently in jail down there since Dawn pressed charges. Xander helped."

Fury nodded once. "I take it he's had enough?"

"Rosenburg has been hacking his emails. She never told him about any of this even though they had told him almost a year ago." Fury winced. "Also, she had accidentally made a plant that tried to eat a few slayers. They had to kill it." She put that report down on top. "This new group helped with that and took Rosenburg to dry her out again. I'm told she'll be going through something like agent training, sir."

Fury smirked. "She'll never make it."

"It's with Harris' new group and they're very certain she needs to train like he has."

"Is she going to pick up assassins now?" he asked sarcastically.

"Hopefully not. I don't know too many delicate lesbian assassins." She handed over one last one. "From Barton. He talked to Paulette Milarn before she left for their location in Malaysia. We have the one killing his ex's down to a few probable names, with one Barton put on top since he saw her lurking last night." That file got handed over.

He looked at it and took one of his new blood pressure pills. "Why isn't she is custody? We arrested her when she went rogue."

"The judge let her go, sir. Not enough evidence that she was going to go evil enough to warrant preventative action." Fury just nodded and put it aside. "We did learn that Harris has not met a few targets that we were worrying about taking a shine to him. Milarn told him that." She tapped at the report's section on that.

He looked and nodded. "Good! Can we keep them apart?"

"If we send someone who can bust them up. We don't have many agents who can that they wouldn't know. Barton is out because one of them tried to date him once. Romanoff probably can't pull that off. We don't have many who have acrobatic skills."

"Can we find one and borrow them?"

"I've been looking. I haven't seen many yet." She stepped back. "Overall, it's not a horrible thing for us. We may be able to use them to help us with some things."

"Maybe but it's still not something I want to see rise up."

She nodded at that. "I can understand why but if they can get the slayers what they need quietly without us having to ask people for it, then I'm all for it. The president is not happy whenever we need to get them artillery. Harris has made them quit selling the excess weapons they have."

"This end-game plan I heard about?"

She pulled that up. "I emailed him to get it. This is a last ditch if we don't do it and die doing it, humanity goes plan."

He looked it over, nodding slowly. "Where would he get that?"

"It's one of the ones he inherited that he didn't want sold."

"Thankfully!" She smirked slightly. "Can't we find him someone decent to date?" he demanded.

"Some of the assassins wanted him to date Barton but they're like siblings."

"I'll throw them a great wedding if he does." His computer beeped with a text message. "Oh, great, Stark too," he said sarcastically, closing out the 'Barton said hell no and he'd kill you if you tried' message. He looked at her. "Find someone *decent* to introduce him to."

"He keeps flirting with Romanoff but she denies she might like him. The rest in our files he's mostly met. They all seem to want him back." She walked off. Maybe she could talk Romanoff into dating Harris and keeping him. It'd be a good thing for SHIELD and the slayers. She almost smiled when she heard Fury groaning in his office. It was good he was back to normal.

***

One Year Later

***

Xander wandered up to where Clint was. "Hey." He gave him a hug.

"You look like hell, kid." Xander grinned slightly. "Bad day?" That got a nod. Clint spotted something and winced. "Damn it," he muttered.

Xander looked over. He knew that sort of guy. "Hmm, interesting." He called someone on his new phone, which Clint had told him to buy because it was a good one. The fate of his last phone would not be talked about because Clint tended to turn a bit green each time he heard how his call had connected to him last time. This one was bulletproof, unlike his last one. It was even slime, drool, and water proof. "Dimitri, are these guys yours?" he asked, turning the phone so he could see them.

"No, Xander. Why do you ask?" the man on the phone said.

"Because I'm pretty sure they're your sort of guy."

Clint leaned over to look and nodded. At least he could almost tolerate that Xander boyfriend of bad guys. That one was just greedy, he didn't want to take over the world. "They are, yeah. Hey, Dimitri."

"Barton." He grimaced. "Protect Xander. It's been a long week. Xander, you have fun with them."

"Bro," one shouted. "What are you doing out in the open, Bro? Or should we call you Avenger Bro?"

Xander looked at Dimitri. "Great, they are stupid like moose," he said in Russian, cracking Clint up.

Dimitri scowled. "Xander, that's not nice. Most Russians are not like that stupid cartoon."

"I know." He blew a kiss. "I'm sorry I insulted you, even if these countrymen are really pathetic examples of Eastern European businessmen."

"Bro, who's this?" one of the thugs demanded.

Xander looked at him. "I'm Xander. I work with the slayers." He looked at his phone again. "So no relation?"

"Nah, not on my end, Xander. Do have fun. I know you need some stress relief."

"Sure, me and the Bro-Coat Mafia here will have some fun." He grinned and hung up then looked at them once his phone was back in his pocket. "You should make haste like moose and squirrel running after a stupid plan," he said in Russian. Clint cracked and started to laugh. "No matter how stereotypical and insulting that is, you really should."

"Bro, did he just insult us?" one of the thugs demanded to Clint. "We should fuck him up for that, Bro. We really should."

Xander nodded. "Perhaps you'll try but you'll lose." They pulled guns. He calmly pulled something out his pocket, opened the case, then let it expand in his hand. "I win. Mine's bigger." They were staring at the tube-looking weapon. "Now, unless you want me to stake you like I usually do vampires and the like? I'd. Leave. I've had a shitty week. I came to talk to my friend about it. I don't need this shit."

"Bro, you deal with that weird shit?" one demanded.

Xander nodded. "Yeah, I just took out one that tried the Grand Cathedral in St. Petersburg, whatever it's called these days. I nearly got to punch Putin in the nose because he came down to yell at me for it."

"What type?" Clint asked.

"Replessor."

"Don't those take beheading?"

"Yup." Xander grinned at him. "He complained that I had done it in the church, and at all. I offered to have another one summoned so they could fight it on their own. Then I pointed out that they'd already lost six priests trying to banish the stupid thing and it wasn't like I could drag it outside. So yeah, Putin's talking to Giles about charging me." He shrugged. "Yay," he said blandly. He looked at the confused thugs again. "Dudes, shoo. Now. We don't need the Bro-Coat Mafia today. I've had a shitty week. One of my ex's was killed recently while trying to rescue some kids guys like you had hostage. I. Do. Not. Need. This. Shit." They backed off because Xander had turned on the weapon to warm up. It had a nice whine when it did. "Am I clear?" They ran.

"We'll see you later, Bro. Maybe you'll be in a better mood," one shouted. Xander hit their car once they were in it, making the engine blow up. They stared. Xander smirked and waved then blew a kiss. "Bro, that'll cost you."

"It does the same thing to humans," Xander offered. "Or, you know, I can have you guys eaten by something. No difference to me, dudes." They fled because cops were coming. Xander let Clint take the weapon and drag him inside to his apartment. "Sorry to just drop in unannounced."

"It sounds like you need a hug."

Xander nodded. "I could use a hug but be damned if I have someone to do that with."

Clint hugged him. "I still like you. I know it wasn't your fault he died."

"I asked him to look into it."

"Still not your fault, Xander." Xander relaxed and cuddled. "You need to rest. You're shaky."

Xander grinned. "Kinda." He looked down at the quiet huff of a bark. "Awww! You've got a puppy! Even if saying that does make me sound like a slayer." He petted him. "You're adorable. I need something like you to cuddle. You'd have to like to travel but the slayers would adore me getting a puppy."

Xander wasn't usually that squealy or that sort of bouncy. Especially when he was depressed a minute earlier. "Did someone dose you?" he demanded, tipping Xander's face up to look at his real eye. "They did! Who drugged you?"

"Willow. She also put me on the plane. You know, I need to find a way to benefit from all the traveling I do."

"They make cards that give you miles so you earn free flights," Clint said. "Lay on the couch, Xander. I'll let you rest." Xander nodded, laying down. "Have you looked at any of those?"

"I'm not a Baldwin and they hate the Council. They tried to not let the slayers fly to handle something. It nearly got a whole city eaten. We had to sue them for an emergency injunction and everything," he sighed. "They still hate us."

"I think they'd hate the bad publicity more. Not allowing the slayers to handle something so a lot of people die wouldn't do their reputations any good."

Xander shrugged. "I about beat one of them to death anyway for being a snide bitch." Clint grinned. Xander looked up at him. "I try really hard to be good but this is the third funeral this year. I hate funerals."

"I know. I hate them too." He sat on the arm of the couch and petted over Xander's hair until he fell asleep. Clint got a whole ten minutes of quiet before his kitchen window opened and a female climbed in. "Hey."

"Ooh, visitor? Is that your 'special friend' the tracksuit slugs were talking about?" she asked, doing air quotes. She looked. "He looks like the guy who works with slayers."

"He is the guy who works with slayers. We're buds."

"Aww," she said with a grin.

Xander blinked at her. "You're loud and underage. Can you quit at least one of those?"

Clint laughed. "Xander, this is Kate, who I share a name with."

"Cool." He waved. "I'm here commiserating with Clint over losing a few people. If you need him to go do Hawkeye stuff you can borrow him too."

Kate grinned. "Nah, I just came to check on the big goofball. No one's heard from him in a few days. What's with the cops and the tracksuit slugs?"

"The Bro-Coat Mafia decided to get into my face so I kindly blew up their car," Xander said with a grin.

"Forgive him, Rosenburg drugged him before sending him up here," Clint said.

"That's cool. That's a better name than I usually call them." She plopped down. "I'm not underage."

He snorted. "Yes you are. Unless I move to Malaysia full time, yes you are." He yawned and closed his eyes again. "'Scuse me, gotta nap. Drugs are bad but kinda nice. At least I'm not giggling anymore. The stewardess was very worried about me until I told her my friend had drugged me so I was running away from her."

"I'm sure they were worried that Willow was going to do something to the plane. Is she back from her training?" Clint asked.

"No. She ran away. They'll get her for me later and make her do PT and stuff again. It grosses her out. They made Buffy do it too when they bailed her out of jail for stealing from Dawnie. They were not happy girls." He grinned.

"I bet." Clint went back to petting him until he fell asleep again. He looked at Kate. "What's up?" he asked once Xander was snoring.

"I came to check on you, you big duffus."

He smirked. "I'm good. Was minding my own business when they strolled up to me. Xander had just gotten there." Someone pounded on his door so he went to open it. "Shh. He's sleeping," he ordered. The officers glared at him for it. He pointed. "Someone drugged him and put him on a plane up here."

"Is he the guy with the artillery?" one of the officers asked.

Kate nudged Xander and pointed. "Cops."

He leaned up to glare at them. "Is this about the Pathetic Patrol out there that tried to intimidate me? I offered to have them eaten instead but they're apparently really stupid. I think it's contagious from their tracksuits along with the ugly they caught."

One of the cops blinked. "You're the guy with the Council. I've seen you at a few battles on tv."

Xander grinned and nodded. "I am. I'm escaping them before I hand out spankings. A lot of spankings. Clint's a friend."

"Where did the artillery come from?"

"I brought it up to test with Stark tomorrow."

"We can hold it for you," the other officer offered. "That way it's safe."

Xander blinked at him. "If the Disco Thugs out there try again I'm summoning something and then I'll banish it," he said dryly. "I'm not really happy right now with certain Russians, and they just expanded it." He sat up and rubbed his face then looked at them. "I could've been meaner and staked them or beheaded them."

"Thank you for that, sir."

"Someone really does need to remind them that 'bro' is supposed to be a special term, not a general term like dude is."

"Please don't call us that," one begged quietly. Xander grinned. "You still used artillery in downtown Manhattan. We're a bit paranoid about that, sir."

"Actually I used a laser, not artillery."

"Does Stark know you're coming since he's in LA?" Clint asked.

"Yeah. He told me to meet him at the tower tomorrow."

"Him or Pepper?" Clint asked.

"Him. I talked to the God-King himself. Oh, and Illyria wanted me to hug him. She adores her new Starkphone and wanted to make him a top minion in her court. Again." He looked at the officers. "I'm grieving for a friend and they walked up on me to start shit. You're damn lucky I didn't have my axe on me."

"Does it look like the one on your necklace?" Kate asked, mostly to distract him so he'd calm back down. "That's pretty. I need one of those with a bow."

Xander looked down. "I'm wearing a necklace?" He patted until she lifted it up. "Oh, it's a Willow special." He pulled off the axe with a grin. "Baby." He cuddled it once it had expanded.

"He's their armory master," Clint said with a slight smile for the officers. "And kinda high thanks to Rosenburg. She drugged him then put him on a plane."

"I can fully understand that. Can you ....disarm him?" one asked quietly. Xander was presently cooing at his axe and cuddling it while laying back down at Kate's insistence. That was not in the NYPD handbook. They had no idea how to deal with this situation and the others could handle it. They were used to crazy people who liked weapons; Hawkeye knew Stark and this one couldn't be worse than Stark.

"Yeah, we can do that. We understand. We're like that about our bows."

The officers smiled. "We'll talk to the businessmen downstairs that complained."

"The tracksuit slugs?" Kate quipped. "They keep trying to hit on me and I'm more fantastic than they'll ever dream plus I'll kill them if they try."

They just nodded and left it there. Barton was an Avenger, he had it handled for them.

Clint closed and locked the door, coming over. "Xander, I'm going to move your axe."

"My baby," he pouted, not opening his eyes.

"Yeah but I want to shine it for you."

Xander blinked up at him. "Since when are we dating?"

"We're not."

"You wouldn't let me help you clean your bow because we weren't dating." Kate was trying not to laugh. "He did. He even had a broken wrist and we were stuck in a hut thanks to a monsoon storm."

"I did," he told Kate. "Okay, well, how about Kate gets to look at it? That way she understands about axes. She's good with swords and staves. Nearly as good as a slayer."

"I guess. But don't bang her into things."

"I'll treat her like I do mine and Clint's bows," she promised. "Want me to take the necklace too?" He nodded, tipping his head so she could take it off for him. "There, you rest."

"Are you two dating?" Xander asked. "I can get a hotel room so I don't interrupt the nookie going on. I know that's important even if I never seem to get any anymore."

"No, she's the one who took my name for a while," Clint said.

"Oh! Is that why you're here instead of the tower?"

"I needed some space and everyone broke up for a few months. We all needed space from Bruce's bean farts and things." Xander grinned. "You rest. We'll make sure you're okay and the douche-bros don't bother you again." Xander nodded, yawning. Kate settled in to pet Xander, helping him fall asleep while smiling. Clint looked at her. "They bother you?" he asked quietly. "Since when?"

"Since the tracksuit wearing slugs realized I was pretty. Took them a few days but then again they're dumbasses."

"Well, yeah, they are." He put Xander's axe carefully down and then the necklace after looking at it. He looked at Xander. "Xander, let me take off your boots." He heard the mumbled 'watch the knife' and nodded. "I can do that." He pulled them off and put the ankle knife on the table with the axe. He and Kate moved the ten feet to the kitchen and it was okay for now. Xander could sleep it off and tell them what had happened. Lucky was staring at Xander while he slept but apparently that was okay with Xander. Clint did text Stark to make sure he remembered he was meeting Xander and told him how nice the weapon worked on the car of the guys who tried to pick on Xander. He made them both coffee and relaxed.

At least until the door got kicked in. Then he and Kate grabbed weapons to fire on them. Xander was already up with his axe making them messy. Clint and Kate both shot one each to bring them down but Xander followed the fleeing ones. Right past the cops outside finishing up the reports.

"Get back here, mother fuckers," he shouted in Russian. "Before I end your ass in a meaningful yet very messy way as a human fucking sacrifice! I'm trying to goddamn sleep and you won't let me sleep off the funny colors that keep trying to kiss me!"

The cops looked at each other and shook their heads, calling it in. Clint and Kate ran out to stop him, both with bows and quivers. They could handle it while the cops went to see what sort of mess had been made. In the distance was heard a 'Fuck you and the bitch you screwed all the way here' in a male voice and then an 'eww' in a female one. Then the 'Xander, please just kill the demon for us and we'll handle the mob guys, okay' in the more reasonable male voice. Yup, they didn't want to know. They had special groups to handle special people like that. Some even had some nice tranquilizers so that Council guy could get the nap he needed.

***

Clint looked up from tying up tracksuit wearing thugs when someone cleared their throat. "Hey," he said with a grin and a wave. "How are you, Cap?"

"I thought I was bored." He watched Xander beating up on a demon, which was laughing. "Is he playing with it?"

"He needs the witch he called to finish the spell to take off the immortal healing thing," Kate said. She grinned and waved. "They busted in and Xander chased them to this demon, and then let us handle that for him. By the way, Rosenburg, whoever that is, kinda drugged him."

"Okay," Steve Rogers decided. "No NYPD?"

"We left them back at the building," Clint said. "They busted in my door."

"Why?"

"They're not real happy with me since I made them leave my building alone."

"Why didn't you tell us this?" Steve asked. "We would've helped."

"They're Russian Mafia. They wouldn't care what you thought, Cap. And I had it handled." Xander laughed and then cut the demon's head off before hacking at the arms. "Xander, does it really need dismembered?"

"Yes. This sort takes in runaway kids to eat." He went back to chopping it apart. "But I know where its lair is. It leaves a trail of florescent slime."

"We can track it to make sure it didn't have any hostages," Steve said. "Let me get someone at SHIELD to do that for us."

Xander pouted at him. "Mercy's up here as the city's slayer now. She can do it. SHIELD hates demons," he finished, still pouting.

"SHIELD can help so she doesn't have to do it alone," Clint said with a smirk. "Or drive. Please?"

"Fine." He finished chopping the demon up. "Need fire." Kate pulled one of Hawkeye's arrows out and fired it at the pile of parts, which set it on fire. He grinned at her. "I like you even though you're underage." He gave her a hug. "You're neat." He wobbled then sat down and grinned at Clint. "I'm still high as fuck from the bitch."

"We'll get Willow for drugging you. Kate, take him back to my place?"

"Take him to the car and we'll go to the tower," Steve corrected, giving Clint a look. "Not like you don't have to clean up where they invaded."

"Xander came off the couch and grabbed his axe," Clint said. "I think the morgue has first call on that mess." Kate nodded, shuddering a tiny bit. Xander cooed and hugged her, falling asleep on her. She made flailing hand motions. He was dragging her to the ground by being dead weight. Clint came over to help her by taking Xander to his car. Kate followed to babysit after running up to grab his boots and pretty sword on a necklace. Steve called Agent Hill to handle things and she'd bring the local slayer with them. Thankfully it didn't take too long.

The slayer got out of the back of the SUV, grimacing. "Oh, one of them," she sighed. "Damn it, there goes my planned pedicure. Good work, Captain."

"Xander's work actually. He said Willow drugged him?"

"Yup, from what I heard, she did. He's going to kick her butt good this time."

"Why?" one of the agents asked.

"He was upset that one of his former lovers died while looking at a hostage situation Xander wanted to butt into because one of us was being held. The funeral was yesterday and Willow decided him grieving was wrong since the guy used to be an arms dealer."

"Can't we banish Rosenburg to another realm?" one of the agents asked.

"Don't tempt me," she shot back with a grin. "I have a poker debt I can call in, and if I don't, Xander does." She looked at the demon. "We need something to see the slime." A blacklight was handed to her. She checked. "That'll work." She followed it back, though it took a while since the demon had been running errands. They had no idea why the demon had stopped in the tampon aisle of the local Wal-Mart but it had. The manager was very nice and told them what it had bought.

They tracked it back to the lair about dark and managed to free the hostages. "A lot more exciting than going club hunting to get the vamps around here," she quipped once the hostages had been taken to the ER. "Let's look for eggs. We can burn those. Or we can sell them for a shit ton of shopping money." The agents just nodded and let her do that, then call a poker contact to come buy them. He was most happy to do that. Apparently they were tasty in the egg stage. The agents had all decided they did not want to know by then.

***

Stark came off the elevator. Clint tossed him the miniature box. "What's this?"

"How he transported it. Open it and it'll grow."

"It didn't when I tried it," Kate warned. "Xander had to get gropey with it to fix it."

Clint took it back to open it since he could. Xander had told him that he had him and Natasha coded into anything like that just in case they needed it in whatever battle he died in. Stark nodded. "That's nice. What does it do?"

"It fires a fairly wide, bright purple laser beam," Clint said. "He said that his people confiscated it."

"Huh." He took it down to his testing range to fire it. "I see it's made by Justin Hammer so it's probably faulty in many ways." He was impressed but it still was too loud, too bulky, too heavy, and obnoxious. Yeah, he could fix that for the slayers.

***

Xander woke up to someone shouting about stolen prototypes and wandered out stretching and yawning. He stared at the shouting guy, glaring slightly. "You woke me up." The man sneered. "It wasn't stolen when we got it. I stole it from the guy selling it on the black market to some of my former lovers." He stared him down. "I don't know *how* someone like Petrie Marsh got it but he did." Hammer backed away, looking scared. "Frankly, I confiscated it because I thought it might help my slayers in a battle. Sorry and if you want we'll pay you for the meager thing it is. I was hoping Stark could tell me how to turn it up since it'll only cut through four-to-six inches of material at a time and anything we'd have to use it on would probably be thicker than that to behead."

"You..." he spluttered.

"Yeah, me," Xander agreed dryly. "By the way, did you get the complaint letter about the stupid stake shooter you guys put out that jams every single shot?" The man glared again. "Not my fault it does. Even when you use smaller stakes, which means it's less effective. Not that it was wholly effective before but it was a nice idea if it would work."

"Maybe you're using inferior wood," he said snidely. "We didn't have that problem in testing."

"Unfortunately we heard about it because some of the people using them had died while using it, and they were using your special ammo stakes, yes. They were in Phoenix if I remember right so you can have someone look up the reports to see what their labs said about it. I don't have a copy on me." He snapped. "Stark, I need you in Malaysia for a bit. We had a realm breach from another reality and it looks like alien weapons but I'm not transporting them. There's way too many idiots over here that might try for it, or others. I have Natasha sitting on it at the moment."

"I can do that," he agreed. "What sort of alien tech?"

"It looks like hand units and they fire like your repulsors. Not exactly sure. I think they might have weak charges because one only set some paper on fire and the other two won't fire. Then we found the other things that got tossed, including some staff weapons that blew up houses if you did the wrong thing and a few other things."

Stark looked at him oddly. "Like on that show?" Kate asked.

"Show?" Stark and Xander asked.

"Yeah." She got into the shared Netflix account. "Oh, shoot, they took it off. Let's check Hulu then." She finally found an episode on YouTube and let them see it.

Xander pointed. "That's the staff weapon."

"Yeah, I want to look at those. You can't bring them here?" Stark asked.

"Considering we had to sue all the airlines because they didn't want to fly some slayers to a battle, and the FBI supported them in it?" Xander quipped. "No thanks. We trust the rebels over there more because they won't piss me off. Unless you can ask Natasha how to move them safely, I don't want to have to rescue them."

"Me either," he agreed. "Yeah, I can call Romanoff to see." He glared at Hammer. "You're still here?" He stomped off. Xander smirked and waved at his back. "I see you've met before?" Stark asked dryly.

"He actually thought he was good enough to flirt with me." He shook his head. "Am I supposed to have a headache?"

"Yeah, you are," Clint said. "It's probably not all out of your system yet, Xander. Want a sandwich?"

"I could eat another water buffalo all by myself," he moaned, following him to the kitchen. "I'll pay back the groceries, Stark."

"I make billions each day, Xander. I can buy you a few water buffalo to eat." He looked at Kate. "You're the other Hawkeye." She smiled and nodded. "Nice to meet you." He shook her hand. "Why are you here?"

"The Russian Bro mob tried to break in on Clint so Xander used his pretty axe on them. Apparently he had used that weapon to blow up their engines earlier."

"The Bro-Coat mafia is pathetic and their wardrobe is straight out of low budget disco era porn," Xander agreed from the kitchen.

Stark looked confused. "Every third word out of their mouths is 'bro'," she explained. "Track suit wearing slugs who think bro is like dude."

"Oh, great. Hold on, Russian mafia?" he demanded. "Barton, why haven't we been warned you're making bad friends after abandoning us?"

"I did not abandon you, Stark, I only moved to Brooklyn for a bit since we were all taking a break, and I was handling it."

"Yeah," he snorted. "Great." He looked at her with a grin. "Are they finally screwing?"

"Not that I saw from the couch last night. Though Xander does seem very cuddly."

"Only dangerous guys and girls like him," Stark said dryly with a smirk. "So maybe you're not dangerous enough yet."

"I'm not sure if I should be insulted at that or thank you for it," she quipped back.

"Thank me for it. He keeps flirting with Romanoff."

"I like Natasha. She's neat. Though, if that's his thing, then no, I don't fit. Even if I was old enough to not fit into his category of 'underage'." Stark laughed, going back to the lab. She walked into the kitchen. "Did you save me a water buffalo sandwich?" Xander handed her one of his. "Thank you, Xander." She sat down to eat with them and talk about more weapons. The slayers had neat ones she wanted to try. Lucky came in to sit with them and not beg. He just gave them pitiful looks since they weren't eating pizza.

***

Fury stomped off the elevator that night, glaring at the two Hawkeyes and Harris. "What the fuck did you think you were doing?" he demanded.

"Me?" Clint asked.

"No! I'm yelling at him. I'll yell at you for a minute for not saying a word about the Russian Mafia trying to kill you repeatedly."

"I had it handled," Clint complained. Fury gave him a look. "I did."

"Uh-huh." He glared at Xander. "You're wanted in Russia on charges of desecrating a church?"

"There was a replessor in it. They already lost six priests trying to banish it so I killed it. I've already worked most of that out with them and Giles is being diplomatic. So fuck off, Fury, before I ask my last ex to come cuddle you."

"Is that the one you found out had skinned some people so you broke them and let them be arrested?" Clint asked.

"Yup. He's out on bail." He grinned. "I love Georgia sometimes. Their laws are so screwy over there."

"Eww," Kate said.

"Yup," Clint agreed, nodding. "It was." He looked at Fury. "It's fixed, sir."

"It's not fixed. They want him arrested."

"I offered to bring another one so they could handle it themselves," Xander shot back. "And if they try I will." Fury backed up a step. "Do you mind? I'm coming down from the shit Willow dosed me with against my will and I kinda have a headache. Since your aftershave is so damn strong, I'm about to lose my lunch on your shoes. I doubt your present lover would like that." Fury took another step back. "Anything else you don't have the right to complain about?"

"I can take you into custody."

"You do that. I wanted to punch the idiot in the nose the last time and I'll do it this time. Not like I can't make half the prison want to be my bitch. Then I could have the pity cuddles I can't get from Clint." Fury shuddered and stomped off. "Bye," he called with a grin and a wave like a little kid. "Have a good trip back to your stolen flying dick statement that's still got bad armor plating."

"Xander," Clint complained. Kate was blushing.

"It is!"

"Still!"

"They used cheap shit to redo the armor. It's really weak. Some day it'll break up during a good wind storm." He rubbed his forehead. "Why do I have a sensory spike?"

"Because you're a lucky guy," Kate said with a grin. "You really, really are."

"Maybe I need to be less lucky in everything but kitten poker." He leaned on Clint's shoulder. "You smell nice."

"I know I do." He patted him until he napped again, smirking at Kate, who was still blushing.

Stark came off the elevator. "I think it was a penis statement when I designed the helicarrier," he agreed on his way to the coffee pot. "And he's right about using the cheap armor plating too. It will fall apart, most likely over one of the lower gyms." He got some coffee and walked off. "If he gets to punch the Prime Minister or whoever in the nose, I want film." He got onto the elevator and left.

Clint shook his head. "Now I see why you needed time away from the insanity," Kate said quietly. "Stark's really like a tornado when he's out of the lab."

Clint nodded. "He can be when he wants to be." Xander shifted down to lay on his thigh. "Xander, we're not dating and that's girlfriend territory. Sorry, but move some? Want to nap on Kate?" She shook her head. Xander cuddled a lot. She wasn't used to that. Xander did shift when Clint moved to go to the bathroom. Kate ended up with his head on her thigh instead and him purring at her. She wasn't sure if she wanted to film it to giggle over or coo over it in person.

Steve came off the elevator and paused then smiled. "It's nice he's finally getting good taste."

"He said I'm underage even though I'm not, and I'm not dangerous enough for him. He's got a headache from whatever the witch used on him."

"Awww." He got a blanket for Xander and left them alone, going to check on Tony. Stark had the surveillance video pulled up and was smirking at it. "He's cute when he's not being aggressive."

"Yes he is." He got back to work on his version of that weapon. The slayers needed it. "I only design weapons for us and the slayers."

"I fully understand. I worked with the local one more than once. She's a nice girl. They have a really hard job. I've learned a lot since I introduced myself to Mercy."

"They do." He looked at him. "He probably won't wake up for a while."

"It's fine. Do we know what she gave him?"

"We're running tests on his blood sample that Clint got us. Clint did warn me that his DNA is a bit screwy so we're seeing if we can figure it out." He got back to work. "I'm not fascinating today," he said when Steve kept watching him.

"Yes you are. You always are." He grinned. "Dinner?"

"I had coffee."

"Real food for dinner?" Steve suggested.

"Not really hungry. I ate earlier."

"Uh-huh. Go clean up. I want dinner and I hate to eat alone?"

"Sure, I can take you to dinner but you're buying."

"Of course since I'm the one who wants to eat." He went to change clothes as well. They went to a diner up the street and it was nice. Very quiet in there. Almost no one that wasn't staring but that was normal when you were an Avenger.

***

Bruce finally got there and got handed the results of Xander's DNA sample by Stark. "What is that?" he demanded. No one had ever said Bruce Banner and jet lag were good friends. He was a tiny bit cranky.

"Xander's DNA."

"Why?"

"No clue. He's still got a sensory spike headache from the stuff Rosenburg dosed him with." He handed that over. "As near as we can figure out based on his blood."

He went up to check on him. Clint was reading while Xander was napping next to him. "Hey, Clint." He paused. "I don't know you. Bruce Banner." He held out a hand.

She smiled. "I'm the other Hawkeye, Kate Bishop." She shook it. "Xander's still got a headache but we sedated him with benadryl."

"That's a good idea. What is wrong with his DNA?" he asked Clint.

"Fish taint. There had been a swim coach and he dosed them with mermaid stuff."

"Mermaids?" Kate asked. "Like Disney, sold her soul for true love?"

"Like black, slimy lagoon monsters on crack," Clint corrected. "But yeah. Mermaids. He introduced me to one that came out of the ocean to have him handle something."

Bruce winced. "Okay." Clint grinned because he loved watching Xander fluster people. "When?"

"High school."

"Huh. At least he didn't die of it. That sort of DNA tampering can do that."

"Xander told me that the rest of the team changed and they detoxed him since he'd only been exposed for a few weeks. I had to get him drunk to get him to tell me that."

Bruce considered it. "This drug...."

"I had Dawn find it and send me the bottle in an evidence envelope care of here so you could test it, Doc. It's lasted for over four days and I think something's even more screwy than usual."

"Thank you. When should it be here?"

"I haven't checked the mail today but I'd expect tomorrow."

"I can go look for that. Want me to look at him?"

Clint shook his head. "It's like a hangover times a tornado in his brain from what he said. It's been four days."

"I'll look at that drug, make sure it's not changing his DNA again or making him sick in other ways."

"We don't look at the antibodies in his blood because then someone at SHIELD will find out and use him to get someone biotech like," Clint said firmly but quietly.

"I can do that." He went to check the Avengers mail tub. It was in there and the vial was nicely marked with a sample number from the CDC lab. That was not a good sign. He called them. They said that sample was still there. He argued and sent them a picture of the bottle so someone went to check. So he got to shove Xander into quarantine with Clint and Kate too. Bruce was not happy. Clint wasn't happy. Kate just sighed and asked for a few books to read. Xander hadn't woken up yet and when Bruce looked at his blood on a system that SHIELD couldn't hack into, one at a college he knew of, it was not good. He came back and held up the result sheet. Clint just nodded and shrugged. "We knew?"

"I knew some," he corrected. He pointed. "That was Murray in Uganda. Xander took him out and down but he threw the vial at Xander and it broke on his arm. That one's.... no clue. That may be the hyena taint?" He shrugged. "It's an animal version?"

"Yes it is. Though it's easily transmitted to humans. A what about a hyena?"

"Before the fish taint, Doc." Clint grinned. "He got possessed."

"This is going to drive me nuts."

"Probably." Clint called Natasha. "Do we have a full medical file on Xander? The stuff Willow gave him wasn't making him high, it was making him hallucinate. Oh, Doc, he flew."

"Great. I'll call the CDC back so they can look into that." He walked off to do that. The results got shredded before anyone else could see.

Clint listened. "We are at the tower. No, Rosenburg, Natasha. Sure, if you want. Stark does want to look at those weapons if we can manage it." He listened. "That's great. Quarantine with Katie." He grinned at her. "She said hi." He listened to her again. "Yeah, she did. Then stuck him on a damn plane up here. Thanks." He hung up. "Thankfully someone will walk the dog."

"Steve seems to like Lucky," Kate said with a grin. "Though it's cute how Xander keeps cooing at him and cuddling him."

"Lucky's a good friend and he knows that Xander needs to rest." He looked at her. "Don't get fixated."

"I'm not!" She swatted him on the arm. "I'm not like that, thank you."

"Good. He usually dates arms dealers and agents like Natasha."

"So yeah, I'm not dangerous enough for him," she agreed. Suits stomped in. "Um, who are they?"

"No clue," Clint said. He stared at them. "Who are you?"

"We're with the NIH, Mr. Barton."

"It's Agent Barton and screw you. We trust Doctor Banner to treat us. You can consult."

A woman rushed in and around them. "Oh, no, Xander. What happened this time? Did you get sick?"

"Darcy?" Clint asked.

She grinned and waved. "Hi. Xander met us when he was saving us from an idiot douchebag nozzle at the bar." She looked at them then at the suits. "You guys realize Xander doesn't have standard DNA so it's probably not passable to normal people, right? And that he can destroy each and every one of you?" She saw the decontamination suit hanging behind a curtain and put it on then came into the forceshield to come help them with Xander. "Hey." She could ignore the ignorant people that were looking very uneasy.

Xander blinked awake at her petting him then grinned. "Hi, Darcy."

"Hi, Xander." She hugged him. "What's wrong?"

"Willow gave me stuff. Why are you in the ET suit?"

"Because the stuff she gave you wasn't a drug, it was a disease," Clint said dryly. "I really have to thank her sometime in the future."

"We have arrows for that," Kate quipped. "Hi, Kate Bishop."

"Darcy Lewis. I work with Thor's sweetie as her lab assistant." She shook her hand with a grin. "Xander's DNA means you probably can't catch anything."

"That's fine. I'm just chilling here." She waved the book a bit. Darcy grinned at her and showed her how to turn on music. Clint changed the station on them but that was him being Clint.

Bruce walked in. "Who are you and why are you in the Avengers infirmary?" he demanded.

"We're here to take samples, Doctor Banner," one said. "We have government permission."

Xander blinked at them. "Bull fucking shit, dude. Don't make me call the President." They laughed. Xander patted Clint down until he found his phone, dialing it from memory. It was a new president, one they hadn't worked with often. "Hey, it's Xander. I'm presently in the Avengers infirmary because Willow shot me full of something I thought was a drug but happened to be some sort of sample?"

"A CDC sample," Bruce said.

"Doctor Banner said it was a CDC sample and these NID motherfuckers are here for samples. Can I whip them to death? Yeah, I'm sure they're NID not whoever they're pretending to be. Apparently one thinks I don't remember pulling him off a slayer last year. How is that bite mark from the slayer's pet doing?" he asked him. He put it on speaker when Clint pointed at that button since he was squinting at the phone.

"Doctor Banner, what did she inject him with and is it going to compromise the main slayer house?" the president asked.

"I'm not sure, they wouldn't tell me more than it was contagious but not usually fatal, sir. I'm running it now to see. I've also informed them that she put him on a plane after drugging him."

"Oh, charming! Where in the hell is Rosenburg, Harris?"

"My people have her. Again. I'm hoping Agent Romanoff is still there to beat her to death."

"Me too." He cleared his throat. "No, as I have been handed a file on why we do not allow Harris' blood into the general population, any lab, any lab within SHIELD or another government agency, or anywhere else if we can help it, no. No samples that don't need to be taken or run, Banner. Whoever they are no samples at all. The CDC guys can disclose whatever to you that you need but just...don't."

"I ran it at a private lab where no one could snoop," he admitted. "It's not online, not able to be hacked into, and it's all been erased when I saw the first thing that came up, sir."

"Good! Don't do it again! Before he draws a different sort of bad guy. Harris, Russia?"

"I could've let them keep losing priests but then they'd blame us anyway. Can I punch him in the nose?"

"If you want; I wouldn't do more than laugh but you never heard me say that, kid. The slayer house?"

"Call.... Well, Belinda or Mercy is up here. Belinda's in Brazil so that might be a struggle to get her up there. I'll trust Stark to handle getting them or doing oversight of my girls. Clint likes him and I like Clint like a brother."

"Okay, good. If that's a *liking* him, we're all for that."

"Not really," Clint said dryly. "We're like siblings, sir."

"Fine. Whatever. How about Agent Romanoff?"

"I love flirting with her but she's still denying me," Xander said dryly. "She told me last week when I called her about the alien weapons we found that she's more afraid of all the noise I make my lovers do than anything."

"That sucks, kid. Okay, have Stark send someone down to figure it out for them. I'll get Belinda up to handle the main house for you. I'll even call Mr. Giles."

"Oops, I forgot."

"It's fine. Anything else I should hear?"

"He used the newly stolen from the arms dealer piece of crap from Justin Hammer's people to fry the engine of a Russian mobster's car," Clint said. "The NYPD just nodded and walked away to clean up the mess when they tried to break in."

"Did they want him to sleep with or just to kill?" the president asked.

"They were annoying and I was trying to nap all this off," Xander admitted. "The bro-douches really need a new dictionary too."

"Oh, them. I've heard about them. Good luck with it, boys." He hung up.

Xander put his head back down, hugging Darcy. "You should move in case they try to shoot us."

"I should but I can hide behind Clint." She grinned. "You are in for some fussing."

"I like fussing. No one ever fusses anymore," he said quietly. "They all want my penis and not me. It's worse than Anya was at times."

"Awww." She hugged him. When guns came out, she did indeed move behind Clint and went back to hugging Xander to keep him from hopping up to kill them. Bruce, however, started to get mad. The NID or whoever were not amused and tried to shoot him. Which brought Stark and Rogers back to deal with them with the Hulk.

"Hulk not happy," he sneered. "Hulk very not happy."

"Wow," Kate said. "I wonder where the extra mass comes from."

"Scientist?" Darcy asked with a grin.

"The other Hawkeye." She grinned back.

Hulk stared at her. "Girls weird." They smirked and waved. One of the NID guys tried to shoot him and ended up being flung through a wall. Xander clapped with Darcy and rated it. Hulk huffed but Steve was making him calm down before he destroyed the lab while Stark finished dealing with the idiots.

"Hey, Stark, it wasn't a drug. It was a sample she stole from the CDC," Clint said.

Stark looked at him. "What?" Clint nodded, pointing at the vial. He went to look. "Fuck! And he flew."

"Hulk call people," he said. "Iron suit not get mad iron panties."

"Sorry." He patted him on the arm. "The main house?"

"Get Belinda from Brazil if the president can't," Kate said with a small wave. "He called him."

"Good!" He stomped off to send people he trusted down there to see how she had gotten the sample and if anyone else was sick. That made sense with the way Xander was feeling and his screwy DNA wasn't a guarantee it wouldn't pass on.

"Wow," Kate said finally. "I thought the bro dudes were excitement."

"Katie," Clint complained.

Darcy shrugged. "We met Xander when he was taking out a biker gang full of demons with a sword. My boss asked him if he was Asgardian."

"That might explain a lot but no," Clint said dryly. "He's not." He looked down at Xander then went to the bathroom.

"Give me a sample while you're in there," Banner called, mostly back to human again. "You as well, Kate." He stared at Darcy. "At least you used the suit."

She grinned. "I work with Jane Foster. I came up to see if Thor was here to give him a message for her, and so I could go to the symposium next week. Then I saw the Xander attack on the whining-about-reality news channel."

"I haven't heard anything about Thor recently but I'll check." He went back to his sample from the vial. He turned to look at her. "A demon biker gang with a sword?"

"He said he didn't have enough bullets," Darcy said with a slight shrug and a grin. "So he beheaded them instead. He wanted to claim one of the bikes but it was possessed and he didn't want to add that to his hyena and soldier."

Bruce walked off rubbing his head.

Darcy shrugged. "I guess he just doesn't understand a guy like Xander."

Kate nodded. "Me either but it's nice in a way. I can see why Clint considers him like a sibling."

***

Steve Rogers walked into the slayer house. It was his first time there. It was a nice house, a bit shabby in places but it housed a lot of girls so he guessed that was normal. Not like all girls crocheted or anything these days. He smiled at the head slayer. "Miss Summers. Steve Rogers." He shook her hand.

"I don't understand why SHIELD is doing all this," she said with a wave at the agents looking things over. "It's not like we didn't settle that little squabble with Dawn and stuff."

"It's not about that. Willow Rosenburg injected Xander with something."

"She said it was a drug to help him calm down because he was moping a lot."

"He was grieving for a former lover he had just buried the day before from what he said, and it wasn't a drug."

"She said it was a drug."

"No, it was a sample of a contagious disease from the CDC."

"We found she didn't steal it, Captain, she bought it," one of the agents said. "None of the people on the plane with him have shown any signs of being infected and were warned in case something pops up in the next two weeks."

"That's good."

Buffy sat down, curling up in her chair. "Willow hasn't been the same since those people took her to fix her."

"Those people are some of Xander's ex's and are the same group that's helping you," Steve said, sitting across from her. "A few of his ex's set it up so there'd still be help even if something happened to Xander."

"I... I didn't know that. Is that why she turned so mean?"

"I don't think it was them making her do physical exercises and training so she could stand a full patrol route with you," Steve said. "I know I was told that she was hacking long before they took her in. That's why they took her in and she had been hacking Xander's emails for over a year. She hadn't even told him that a few of his ex's had died." Buffy slumped farther and grimaced, making a duck face at the end. "I think all that was a final straw moment and Xander had to so he was protected and so your girls were. It seems like Willow was stepping back into the dark again."

"She might have been. She was hacking?" He nodded. "We're sure?"

"Unless you know someone else who would've gotten into his emails and erased all of them from the law firm?"

"No," she admitted. "None of my girls can hack." She looked around at the agents then at him. "So why all this?"

"To make sure she doesn't have any other samples that she's bought or anything else that might hurt you or someone else. I have never heard the president swear until he was told that Willow had drugged him and put him on a plane, but it turned out to be a sample of something the CDC was studying. That would've infected anyone on the ride there, at the airport, everyone on the plane, at the other airport, however he got to Clint's apartment, and then half of the Avengers team because we showed up when Xander went after a demon with his axe, and a few Russian mob guys."

"Is that because of the demon he had to take out over there?" she asked.

"No. They're like the Italian mob you see on movies," one of the agents told her. "Only Russian and more ruthless. We were told they tried to pick on him."

"Oh. Well, okay. The only Russian I know is Agent Romanoff and she's really scary."

"Yes, they made her that way," Steve agreed. "Clint was being bothered by some of them and they tried to attack."

"Is that the Bro-Coat Mafia guys?" she asked. "I got a weird text from Xander about them."

"Yes it is," Steve said, glaring at an agent that laughed. "Apparently their English is a bit deficient since every other word out of their mouths seems to be 'bro'," he told that agent.

"We've seen them, Captain. Yes that name fits them well. That and track suit wearing slugs like Miss Bishop named them."

Steve nodded. "They did seem to be, yes." He looked at her again. "We'd like to help you, Giles, and Xander work all this out."

"Giles sided with Xander," she pouted.

"We had the NID invading Avengers tower to try to get samples off Xander," he countered. She shuddered. "Beyond that, she could've started a world-wide plague moment thanks to what she did. I'm not sure if she knew what she bought."

"She's really smart."

"Yes but she has no sense," Steve said. "She has less sense than Stark does when he's been drunk all weekend and now he's creating."

"The president did want us to take her into custody," that agent said. "If we could hold her."

"Xander's people have her back," Steve said. "They called to report they had captured her after she had run away because they punished her for doing bad things again. You might talk with Agent Romanoff. She was over there the last I heard."

"We can do that, sir." They got back to their searching. All the porn was nicely being put away for the girls instead of letting it hide under the couch where the baby they had in the house could teeth on it again.

"That's her mom's," Buffy said.

"It's not really appropriate for a baby to view," one of the agents said with a smile. "She's a bit too young to need to see naked guys hustling for dick." Buffy blushed, ducking her head, but nodded. "Did Harris let her do that?"

"Xander's been here and there for the last few months handling things the girls couldn't. He's been in Germany, Malaysia, Germany, Russia, two of the slayers in Africa needed him, Mexico because one of our girls disappeared but he found her and rescued her." The agents all shuddered. "She said he called the cops and they got her out of there with the other hostages."

"No, his people in Malaysia helped him bust in and beat the crap out of them," that agent said with a slight smile. "We were all real impressed because then the officers got to arrest them for it, even though they were just as dirty. He handed the US hostages to the embassy, got the slayer home and moved, with her family, and then went to the trial in England of that former watcher who had tried to hurt one of the girls on purpose to get a sacrifice. Then Germany again to deal with that same demon cult that the girls took down but missed some members of."

Buffy frowned. "Xander can't do that. He's missing an eye. That's agent stuff and they don't allow them to be missing body parts." She looked at Steve.

"Director Fury's missing an eye too and he's not the man I'd want to meet in a dark alley if I was on the wrong side."

"Really? Huh. I didn't know that about Xander." She paused. "Is he using that group to become some sort of evil overlord?"

"It was offered but he said he turned it down," Steve said. Faith stomped in. He stood up. "Slayer Faith, Steve Rogers."

She stared then shook his hand. "Why is Captain America here? And what's with the suit patrol?"

"That drug Willow said she shot Xander with to make him quit moping was apparently a disease," Buffy said.

Faith turned and kicked a wall. "I'll fix it later," she said as she kicked it a few more times. She looked at Steve again. "And she's...."

"In Malaysia with the people that Xander's ex put together," Buffy said. "All those commando sorts? Apparently some of his ex's wanted us to be protected in case we lost Xander."

"It's going to be a while before he's allowed out of the infirmary," Steve said. "Probably at least another two weeks. It's bad enough that Stark came up to sit and fuss at him the other day." Faith glared at him. "He'll live but he's got a pretty good fever at the moment that won't go below a hundred."

"Damn it," Faith complained. "Any other bad news?"

"Willow almost started a plague but Xander's got the fish taint so it didn't pass on," Buffy said, staring at her. "I have no idea what we're doing."

"We're going to hold a talk in a few days," Steve said. "Our team, some of his people, some of SHIELD's people." Buffy smiled and nodded at that. "You can visit him while you're in New York."

"No can do," Faith sighed. "They're not letting us fly again."

"There's the train," Steve said. They looked confused. "Guys, doesn't the train connect?"

"Looking, Captain," one said, typing it into his phone. "There is one direct and three non-direct. The direct leaves in the morning and gets there about dinner time. It's a twelve hour trip. It's also the cheapest. It says it has a dining car, checked baggage, and a lounge but it does not list disabled services." He looked up. "Looks like it runs most days." He put his phone up and got back to work. "Estimated cost per seat was seventy-seven dollars plus fees and taxes."

"That's a lot cheaper than flying," Buffy said, looking at Faith.

"I can go if you can't."

"No, we can both go. Belinda has the house. Xander had her sent for when he got up there."

"He sent for her through the president when we put him into quarantine," Steve said.

"We had to get her up here," one of the agents said more quietly. "The airlines did not want to let her fly."

"We need to fix that," Buffy said. "We tried. We can do it again."

"We can ask Director Fury if he can help," Faith said. "Since it looks like he'll be at that meeting?" Steve nodded with a grin. "Good. Think he might?"

"I don't think it's a problem he's seen yet, but I'll bring it to his attention so he can check before the meeting." The girls both smiled at him. "I learned how hard you girls have it and I support you guys. You need more backup." Buffy beamed and nodded. He stood up. "Let me go back up there. Agents?"

"We're good, sir. Nearly done if you wanted to wait."

"Stark flew me."

"In person?" Buffy asked, eyes wide.

"No, not in the suit. He joked he would've but it's too far and I'd get chilled from the wind."

"Awww," Buffy cooed. "He's so cool."

"Some days, but then others he hasn't slept in about three days and he's living on coffee. Those days he's just scary." Buffy hugged him. "I'll see you at the meeting, ladies." He shook their hands and left. He did text Stark about what she had said. It was nice that the slayers liked them too. He paused when he heard Buffy and Faith talking about Stark.

"I need a man like Stark," Buffy sighed.

"Should've dated Kennedy when she was alive, B," Faith quipped back. "Not like we're good trophy wives."

Steve walked off adding that into his text. That was so cute. Buffy did need a good boyfriend. Maybe Tony knew someone.

***

Steve got taken off the plane and whisked to the SHIELD building they were using while completing the helicarrier repairs. He thanked Stark's driver Happy quietly then headed inside. "I talked to Buffy, who was unaware of a few things, and then Faith when she showed up. They'll both be up here for the talks if possible."

Fury nodded. "Why isn't it possible?"

"The airlines, again," Stark said dryly.

"What?" Hill asked. "They got that fixed." Fury glared at her until she went on. "The US airlines do not want to fly slayers anywhere, sir. They said they constitute a danger to flights if demons try to get the slayers."

"The injunction was only for that one flight and they're carrying on the lawsuit," Stark said. "The judge said that each new emergency can be brought to his attention and he'll rule specifically based on the flight plans made." He looked at Fury. "Virgin added themselves in with their recent 'slayer, what's a slayer' thing. Apparently they've gotten onto the whole British 'I see nothing' train about them. Tried to keep one of them from bringing her weapons in checked baggage. She called Xander for help and Barton told her how to ship the weapons." He looked over as Natasha came off the elevator. "Good morning," he said with a smirk. "Have a bad flight?"

"No, not in the least, though I could not rest due to the chattering of the entire high school band sitting behind me." She sat down.

"The weapons?" Tony asked quietly.

"In your safe, Stark." He grinned and nodded. "Your AI helped me put them in there."

"That's fine. I'll look over them later."

"What weapons?" Fury demanded.

"There was a realm breach that led to someone on that side tossing over weapons from a tv show," Stark said. "Xander had his people confiscate them and he called Romanoff to handle it since he didn't want to ship it and have them possibly stolen," Tony said.

She nodded. "They are very interesting and one of the trainees there identified which show they came from. Looking them up through various fan sites gave us how they should operate and at what level but most of them are not presently able to."

"He asked me to look them over," Stark said.

"That's reasonable I guess," Fury said. "At least they're not in the hands of his people." He shook his head. "Romanoff, any chance of taking them out and down?"

"I don't think it's wise since they're handling backing up the slayers and rescuing the ones that Xander can't get to," she said. "No one else would've helped him in Mexico with that stolen slayer."

"Buffy found out that he had done that, not us," Steve told her with a grin. "She thought Xander wasn't able to do agent things because of his eye."

She shook her head. "We're often amazed when we run into him in the field."

"Darcy said that he used a sword to behead a demon biker gang," Bruce said. "No mention of how injured he was afterward." Natasha looked confused. "Thor's Lady Jane's lab assistant," he said with smile. "She's ...very vibrant."

"Oh, her. I've seen her dossier in the files. She stood up to Coulson to get her iPod back. Repeatedly."

"Wow, she has balls," Tony said. "I thought she was just perky and liked to coo and fuss over Xander."

"She's not evil," Natasha said.

"I have the feeling there's something more there," Steve said with a grin. "Not sure though." Fury stared at him. "At the main slayer house, there's a picture of her at graduation with one of the slayers, arm around her shoulders, grinning like they were drunk or really too happy to be alive."

Stark snapped his fingers. "Mary Jo. She's in PR locally. She applied for a job with us and it was listed on there but that she had chosen to have a career and be backup for a local slayer if needed due to a bit of asthma that popped up in college. Pepper's interviewing her next week. I'll tell Darcy later since she was listed as a reference."

Natasha texted Clint's phone. "I'll let him. He's probably bored." She got back a virtual big hug back and nodded. "They'll meet for drinks or something." She put her phone up.

"I put a game system in the infirmary for him and Kate," Tony said. "Harris is still exhausted."

"He never sleeps," she told him. "Ever. Each time he starts to go down that way to catch up, he gets attacked. He lives on three to four hours of sleep a night for months on end." Steve stared at her. "Between visions, nightmares, and attacks, he never gets to rest. Anytime he wants to it has to be somewhere safe enough that he won't get attacked."

"Which my infirmary in our tower is," Tony said. "Still good for him."

She nodded. "Hopefully. The more bouncy he is, the more he needs rest."

"I know he got a text earlier that upset him," Bruce said.

"It must've been about one of his people. One had a mysterious car crash in the middle of nowhere without any help thanks to their former bosses who decided that working with the slayers is insulting their training."

"I'd hate to see him avenge them," Stark said quietly. Then shuddered.

Natasha smiled. "I don't think that will be the problem we'll have with that."

"Really?"

She nodded. "Probably. That reminds me, we have a problem occurring. His people are running to save some of the slayers that are in danger in Russia. The higher ups are outraged that a demon defiled their biggest church. Especially since two more appeared afterward to avenge their fallen comrade. Whoever is summoning them also summoned back the dead priests the first one had killed as zombies to make the head patriarch quit complaining about demons having killed some of his priests.

"One of the girls that had responded to Germany's emergency went there to kill them, and was injured when the patriarch demanded she take it outside the church. It nearly made her lose but then someone killed one with a grenade so she took out the other one, then the zombies. They're decrying the Council, the slayers, all that as being unnatural and trying to destroy the church. The government's put out a hunt order on the girls."

"How many in their domain?" Fury asked.

"Three, all under the age of ten," she said quietly. "They're going to be safe if they can help it. Too many of them know their way around Russia and their intelligence networks."

Stark grinned. "Is Xander a recruiting poster for the former KGB agents?" he joked.

"Quite possibly." She looked at Fury again. "He still loathes them. I'm told that the same summoner got a different church this time and he's now railing that the Council is summoning them."

"I'm sure Giles is in a fit," he said.

"He went on the news today," she said. "Full press attention." Fury winced. That was not the Council way. "He told the reporter it was not them, exactly what it took to summon one of those or make the zombies, and how they had tried to charge his slayer for saving lives. She's been allowed to leave, with agents escorting her. She had to get medical treatment in Germany and called in the SOS from there. Within hours, everyone was moving and then we heard he had put a hunt and capture order on the young slayers."

"Good to know," Fury said. "Harris heard?"

"Not that I'm aware of. I'll tell him later." Fury nodded and walked off to call Giles to talk to him. She looked at Tony. "Is he in any shape to respond?"

"No," Bruce said. "Even if he would wake up for a week, he's still weak, has a strong headache with sensory spikes every now and then, and he's wobbly."

"All of which hasn't stopped him in the past," she warned. "He fought one battle in Africa after getting out of the hospital. They didn't want to release him but they did." Bruce grimaced. "He had malaria then."

"Okay, we can be on the lookout for it and point out people have handled it for him."

Natasha sent an email from her phone to someone and put it back. They'd send her a status message later for Xander.

Fury came back. "Giles thinks he knows who it is. He can't be sure and he can't get them to come out openly."

"Which is what Xander would normally do for him," Stark said. "Walk in there, haul the guy out, point out he was the summoner, not them, and then hike off after punching whichever official came to protest that it couldn't be one of *their* people."

"If he'll let me know I can pass that on," Natasha said. Fury slid down a name. She texted that to the same name and address. That could definitely help them. At least be a diversion so they could sneak the girls off. The meeting broke up and they went back to the tower, finding Xander struggling to get up off his bed while Clint held him down. She walked over to him, smoothing a hand over his forehead. "Petrie has it." He went limp, staring at her. "It will be handled." He nodded, relaxing. Clint let him go. "You should finish catching up on your rest. I'll let you know if someone updates me." She left them alone.

Xander looked at Clint. "I could go help."

"No you can't. You're still sick. Your fever won't come down."

"Not the first time."

"Yay. This time you don't have to. You have people who can help you do it." Xander sighed but nodded. "Next time you can do it."

"I'm hoping this doesn't create the next time."

"Us too, but if it does, we'll help you guys handle it." Xander nodded, flipping onto his side. "Good, before I told Darcy."

"Don't pick on Darcy," Xander said firmly. "It's nice that she fusses."

"It is. You need more people to fuss over you and she's a great girl." He grinned. "Not your usual type." Xander stuck his tongue out at him. "I'd never make fun or pick on Darcy fussing at you. If you were my type I'd be fussing too." Xander nodded, snuggling in again. "You finish your long overdue nap. I'll keep me and Kate occupied."

"Thanks."

"Welcome." He went to check on Kate in her curtained-off room in the infirmary. Bruce had given her girl privacy as he named it. "Hey. You good?"

"I'm good, Clint." She grinned. "Did you get him to finish his nap?"

"I did." He hopped up on the foot of her bed. "You sure you're okay?"

"I'm just hanging out here since I'm not sick. I'm a bit bored but I've caught up on all my homework and all that stuff." She grinned. "Worry about him getting better. He never seems to get better."

"Guys with genetic things can be tough to get better quickly," he said. "There's a few of them in SHIELD that if they even get a cold are out for months."

"Huh. How would he handle this on the job?"

"He'd ignore it and go back to work."

She shook her head. "All guys are dumb."

"Sometimes, but so are girls," he said with a smirk. She kicked him but grinned back. "Have you seen the dog?"

"Not today. I caught him on Xander's bed cuddling him last night."

"Aww. I didn't know that. I wonder if Bruce knows that."

"Yes, he does," he called from the lab area. "He heartily approves if it means that Xander can finish his long nap."

"Shh!" Xander yelled. "Sleeping!"

"Sorry," he said more quietly. He walked out the infirmary door and pointed. "Go ahead, Lucky." He ran in to check on his humans. Clint first of course, he had rescued him and saved him. Clint got lapped and pawed at. Then Kate got some. When he was full of new pets he ran over to check on Xander, woofing quietly. Xander patted the bed so he hopped up and settled in. This crazy pup needed his comfort. When Clint came over to check on him, he lapped him and wagged his tail for more pets. Clint grinned and petted him, going back to Kate's room. Lucky settled in to be cuddled. This one was nice about it, and petted while he was asleep.

Bruce smiled, taking photos of all that. It was adorable and the slayers would probably like to see them.

***

Clint woke up hearing Xander's phone ring. "Shit," he muttered, getting up to answer it before Xander could. Nope, not a chance. Xander already had it. "Good news?" he asked quietly, glancing at Kate, who was fully asleep with Lucky helping her.

Xander nodded, listening. Then he said a quiet 'thank you' and 'let me know'. He listened some more. "I can help."

"Quarantine means you cannot help," Clint reminded him.

"Pretty sure I'm not contagious, Clint." He listened. "Yeah, I can sideswipe that by playing bait. Thanks." He hung up. "Russia has put out a hit on all the slayers." Clint winced. "One of their top people took it for them. He's going to cause an emergency that we'd all have to show up at. If I can sideswipe the plan by being captured first, because there's a nicely huge new sum on my head, then we can figure it out while your team stops it. Mine's busy moving all the slayers to the safety fallbacks."

Clint considered it. "That's not a great plan."

"It's the only one we've got." He shrugged. "Can I borrow a shirt?"

"No. You're in quarantine."

"I'm not contagious and I'm not going to risk a single slayer's life," he said firmly, staring at him. "I can go out shirtless." Clint got him one and tossed it over. "Thanks." He pulled on his clean pants and underwear, then his boots and stood up. He looked around. "Where's my axe and stuff?"

"Probably in the weapons closet," he said. "Main floor, right beside the tv the last I knew."

Xander nodded, heading out to get it. He knew Stark could probably find him with his AI if he was awake but he wasn't sure if he was or not. Then again, Stark wouldn't stop him. He'd understand. He found his weapons in the cabinet, including the sword still on his necklace. He put it on and closed the door softly, turning to find Steve there. "They're trying to kill all the slayers."

"You're sick, Xander."

"Yup, oh well." He put his hands into his pocket. "It's my duty to protect them."

"SHIELD can help."

"Later. They'll be needed to help later." He looked in his pocket, pulling out his keychain. He looked at them. "I left the car in Cleveland. Why did I pick up my keys?" He had pressed the button that put out demon-created knockout gas. Steve slumped over. "Oh, yeah, that reason. You'll wake up in about an hour, Steve. Be safe." He walked around him and outside. Of course, the Bro-Coat Mafia members were waiting in lurk. He fought two of them off but got captured. He stared at them once they had him tied to a chair. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Our people have a very high price on your head," one said with a grin.

"I know that. I was going to talk to them about it."

"We can make that meeting happen sooner. We want to see you go against one of them."

"I can show you what I'm going to do to them," Xander said with a grin. "Untie my hands."

"Why would we?"

"Not like I can do anything with them tied."

"I think that's the point," he laughed. Xander shifted to cross his feet. "You comfy, bro?"

"Yeah, I am." He kicked out and got the guy in the nuts. "You?" He stood up and batted the other guy with the chair, which broke it. "That's handy." He wiggled out of it and used the stakes that used to be chair legs to give them serious, incapacitating, but not fatal injuries. "You stay there, dude. By the way, the way you use Bro is wrong. Bro is a special term. Dude is the general term. I had to teach way too many slayers english to let that one stand." He walked out, going to hunt down this guy so he could be bait.

***

Clint came out of the infirmary. "Steve," he said, helping him up. "Did that actually work on you?"

"Made me dizzy. Funny taste in my mouth." He wobbled a bit. "Headache just like he said."

Stark came storming out of the elevator. "Why did Harris attack him?" he demanded. "I didn't think he was evil or going to repay hospitality that way."

Clint shook his head. "Russia put out a hit on all the slayers. Steve tried to stop him, Stark. So did I." Stark gaped. "Someone told him that one of their better hitters was going to create an emergency that would draw all the slayers, even the ones that don't patrol. He went to stop it."

Stark closed his mouth. "Okay, why?"

"It's what he thinks will work. Others are helping the slayers get to safety. Later on, we may need SHIELD to help with the battle if it happens."

"Shit," Stark said. "Okay, this is not good."

"No it's not," Steve agreed. "Get the girls in Cleveland?" Clint shook his head. "Why not?"

"They're already being moved as far as I know."

"Leave them a message somehow," Steve said. Clint nodded, sending them a text. They went to get dressed so they could help however it was needed.

***

Xander ran into the guy that he needed, he had his intended victim. Xander looked at the sorcerer. "You started shit that I have to finish," he said in Russian. He led him outside of the house, tossing him at the feet of the police that were responding. "He's the one that summoned the demons in the church," he said slowly and clearly, talking down to them. "Some of us don't have magic to do that. If I had, I would've hit somewhere other than a church. We hate dealing with them and their fits. Why would we give ourselves more of that?" He walked off. He was leading the assassin off. He knew that. He planned on it. He had already planned where to have himself taken. That wouldn't be where it happened but close enough. Xander looked at the guy once he was tied up again. "So now that you have me...."

"You're worth a lot of money to certain people," he said in Russian.

Xander nodded. "I know that. Pity." The man sneered. Xander smirked. "You're not getting a single slayer."

"Others can take the easy ones."

"The slayers aren't easy. You can't discount them because they're girls."

"I know not to discount women. You're not well enough trained to train them to resist us. Beyond that, no one gets up from a head shot."

"Actually, Buffy might. Not really sure how Willow brought her back to life that time. She does seem to heal faster and stuff." The assassin blinked. "Beyond that, do you think that the witches are going to not protect them? You're not the first group that wanted to take out the slayers. The Vatican is really upset that we took out their attempt. It was kinda fun watching the Curia swear."

The assassin watched him. "How do they know to protect them?"

"Some of us have friends who like hearing information." He got smirked at and then punched. Xander shook it off. "Thanks. I was starting to nap again." He yawned. "You feel better, dude? And hey, at least you don't say 'bro' all the time like the Russian mob guys I ran into." He got hit again. The assassin got to work beating him. Xander yawned through most of it, even though some of them did hurt. Showing it would be a weakness the asshole could work with.

***

Natasha's phone rang. "An update?" she answered. She heard. She winced. "That is not good. Where?" She nodded. "We can manage that." She heard something that made her pause. "Really? You're sure?" She nodded. "We can handle that. Where?" She nodded once. "We will do that. Thank you." She hung up. "Steve, you and I need to go after the assassin with Xander before they get to Sunnydale. There's two others who are going to try something." She looked at Clint, who nodded. "The girls are almost all safe outside Buffy and two others handling the hellmouth in Cleveland. There would be an uprising if they left it uncovered. These ones volunteered." She left with Steve, hissing in his ear. Steve shuddered. "We must."

"Do we know who he is?"

"I do. He helped train me."

"Okay. I can do that." They headed out on a SHIELD jet.

Stark looked at Clint. "Any idea?"

"Has to be related to her past. There's a few assassins she'd never take on without backup."

"Good to know." He looked around. "Talk to Fury, get the slayers still there help. We need to get out west if they're going to hit Sunnydale. Or would they hit Cleveland?"

"Sunnydale is still there, but it's fenced off," Clint said. "Not that hard to sneak over but there's no ground cover. I don't think any of them would take out a city just to get a group of slayers. Anyone who could wouldn't benefit. Unless they really had no idea what they were dealing with." He called someone. "Sir, Clint Barton, have you been briefed about the Russians putting out a contract on the slayers?" He waited while he choked. "Yes, sir, that's what I said. Xander's gotten most of the girls out of the way, except a few who decided they had to be there to keep the city safe. Xander's off with one of the assassins to lead him astray. Romanoff, sir. With Rogers."

He listened. "We're thinking it'll be Sunnydale but we're not certain. Yes, they moved the slayers. Exactly. Yes, sir, I can find proof of it. Let me check my email." Stark was already pulling it up. "There's a whole file on it. Including who they went to. I can do that, sir." He hung up. "That has to go to DC. Get me a copy for Fury." He called him. "Meet us, it's an emergency, sir," he ordered. "Like there's a contract out on all the slayers and someone has a plan to create a situation that will bring them all to deal with it."

He hung up. The emails were printed. Stark browsed the other ones and printed them, handing them over. Clint copied them and they went up to the roof because they heard the jet coming down. Stark was in his suit within a minute. Banner was up there in something that would be destroyed when he changed. Clint had all his arrows and his bow. Kate was still in the infirmary and was going to stay there. He sent her a text message as he walked to make sure she'd stay safely out of this.

"This had better be good, Barton," Fury said from the seat on the quinjet. Clint handed him a copy of the emails. He read it over, his good eye narrowing. "That's bad." He looked up. "Harris still sick?"

"Diverting the main assassin that's going to be the hardest to keep off the slayers. Natasha and Rogers are going to save him."

"Not a bad plan. Hers?" Clint nodded. "Why?"

"There's a few that're on her too hard list," Clint said.

"Good to know. Anything else?"

"Not yet," Clint said.

"The slayers?" Bruce asked. "Can we help them?"

"I'll get a team down to help protect them on patrol, or go on patrol for them. How many girls?"

"Three and Buffy."

"She's a leader," Fury agreed. "Anything else?"

"Not yet," Stark said. "He called someone and said we need to pause in DC. I can do that and then meet them back there." Clint handed him those pages, already folded. He tucked it into a pocket in his suit then took off.

Clint looked at his boss. "If they do something to open that hellmouth we're all screwed. We don't think they'll try Cleveland. They can't be that stupid. That main assassin would use a feint and a fake device. The lower ones may use the real thing. Xander's contacts said they're looking for something right now."

"If so, we'll end them with prejudice," Fury said. He got off the jet, letting it take off as he got taken back to SHIELD. He walked in and tossed those papers at Hill. "It's worse than Loki."

She read them over, sending teams where they needed to go. Including some of their better undercover agents to help the slayers at their fallback. They had been told where it was but it wasn't in any system anywhere. They could back up Xander's teams.

***

Xander yawned as he woke up, blinking a few times. "Sorry, dude. I was just sick thanks to Willow." He shrugged slightly because he was still tied to a chair. "Just got out of quarantine."

"Really? Anything good?" he asked.

"No comment and there's a virus in every single computer system in the US that will remove any results. Sorry but I'm a bit paranoid."

"How did you do that? You're not a hacker."

"I have a friend who is. And no, not Willow."

"You met a hacker?" he asked dryly.

"I know a few who can hack. That one, he was fun." He grinned.

"You won't stop that."

"I will. You have no idea what I can do."

"I read your file."

Xander burst out laughing. "Really? That thing's *so* damn wrong, dude. It's missed nearly everything. It missed years of stuff. Do you really trust a file to tell you what someone can do?"

"No, but it's a start." He stared at him. "You know artillery." Xander nodded. "You're good with a sword. I've seen film of other battles."

"I can't hide those so I'll give you that one. Only a sword?"

"I've seen you with a crossbow."

"There's that too. We use them on patrol a lot."

"That makes sense." He looked over the file for show. "I see you've been to Africa. Asia. South America. Not Central?"

"No, I've had to go through there a few times to help the local slayers. It was kind of interesting at times." He crossed his legs. "Anything in particular you want to chat about to see if I was there?"

"There was a warlord in Uganda."

"Which one? There's like dozens."

"Herbert."

"Not me. I was going for him but the other asshole got him first. Then again, I had to take out that one to get a slayer free."

The guy blinked. "You killed a warlord?"

Xander nodded. "Yeah."

"You admit to it?"

"Yup. Before you have a thought about trying to get me charged or putting it out in the media to make us look bad, the president at the time had a full file on everything I did. He demanded and I gave him more detailed ones than I gave Giles. He demanded. I told Giles. He just sighed and cleaned his glasses again." He shrugged again.

"You won't get free."

"Sure, if you're sure." The guy checked the knots to make sure. Xander sniffed him. "Old Spice." The assassin hit him. Xander smirked. "I've had worse than that from my parents, dude. Hell, I've had worse than that from dates." The assassin gaped. Xander grinned. "Only the deadly like me. Clearly, you're not as badass as you think." He got hit again. "Dude, so much weaker than the life-sucking mummy girl."

The assassin gaped, then closed his mouth and huffed. "You ... what?" he demanded. Xander told him about that. "You admit to that?"

"She looked like a normal girl. We found out during a school dance. She tried for Buffy to keep herself free. I felt really sorry for her. She didn't ask for that future but I couldn't let her take Buffy out."

"You're... it's noble but insane. You're probably warping the girls."

"By getting them into college, making sure they don't date predators like Buffy does, and being a good big brother? Maybe. But they're living longer and better now than they used to."

"They're still wrong."

"Slayers were created back during caveman times. Back before we formed villages. Even if you kill all of the presently alive ones, more will be born. There's plenty of people who can train the future slayers when I die."

"You know you're not going to make it out of this?" he asked smugly.

"I won't die from you, dude. I'll die in a battle but no assassin is going to be the reason I die." He stared at him. "No matter how good you are, it won't be today or tomorrow. For that matter, you won't be able to create that apocalypse battle. Too many people know."

"That's not the only place to do it."

"No, but there's still no way to do it. We have plans in case. It won't happen. We won't die from it." He shrugged. "They've already lost and if I know some of my friends, they've told others about who gave you orders."

"I've heard about your little group."

"That was a few ex's that did that. I didn't know about them until about a year ago. Willow had hacked my email and erased all those. She'd rather I was alone and lonely forever."

"Better than a life-sucking mummy," the assassin said dryly.

"She had her reasons. If you were forced into something against your will, you'd want to escape too."

"You have no idea...."

Xander laughed. "Dude, I know who you are. I know that you've seen the other prices on my head and thought about taking one of them before but I was unseen for about six weeks. I know more about you than you do. Including who you were before they fucked with your mind." He stared at him. "By the way, the file's wrong. My birthday's not then either. Hell, they didn't even get my father's name right."

"You're going to claim someone else?"

"No, they misspelled his first name. Well, he probably did it because he was drunk, but it's misspelled." He stared at him. "We can play this game all you want."

"You won't stop the others when you're here."

Xander grinned. "I have friends for that." The door blew in. "Speaking of. Hey."

"Xander," she said, stomping in. She glared at the assassin. "You will not do this."

"Natalia," he said smugly.

"He's under mind control," he said when Steve paused to stare at him. Xander kicked back when the assassin moved to draw his gun. The bullet went over his head but the chair didn't break. Xander rocked himself over then to his feet. He undid the ropes with the concealed dagger no one could find if he didn't want them to. He looked at them.

"Go, Xander. The girls need you," Natasha said.

"Bring him out," he said. "He can go to Malaysia," he said in her ear. She nodded and he left. He called Willow. "Where is everyone and where's the battle going to be?" He listened, looking around. "Europe." He nodded. "You sure?" He sighed. "I didn't think anyone was that stupid. Yup, as soon as I can." He found himself in Cleveland and hung up. "Okay, that helps." He looked around. He was in the park where the hellmouth was. He walked over to look at it, then grimaced. He called someone. "It's Harris. I'm checking on the hellmouth thanks to a huge credible threat. No, we have an explosive. Higher powered, has vials attached," he said quietly. "They're going to try to blow the hellmouth. Please. I'd go with the alpha plan myself but no clue. I don't see a timer. Sure." He hung up and stared at it until one of the bomb squad guys got there. He pointed.

"Harris!" someone shouted. Xander waved them to stay there. "Sir?" Xander looked back. "They have it planned for Sunnydale."

Xander shook his head. "No, we have one here."

"We have one there."

"Great. The ones of lesser intelligence are in charge." He looked at the bomb squad guy.

"I have no idea and I'm doing video live to a few agents who have the same qualifications I do. We've never seen this."

"Me either. I can deal with simple things. Are those vials germ related?"

"Possibly."

Xander sighed. "Okay. Can you move it safely?"

"No." He looked up. "There's no way."

"Then let's go with the alpha plan. Now if possible." He called that in. "Tell them that there's a second device in Sunnydale." He looked back. "Where's Stark?"

"DC. The remaining Avengers just got out to Sunnydale."

"Have them stay. If it goes off first, call." The agent reported that. Buffy came jogging over. "Hold it." She froze. "Huge bomb. Maybe germ canisters." He stared at her. "Another one in Sunnydale."

She swallowed. "We have to handle it."

"I want you in Sunnydale. It's your hellmouth. You know it better than the others. Leave me Rona and a few that the coven can send when it's time." She nodded, calling Willow to make that plan. "You have at least two Avengers out there. Stark's on this coast. I saw two more handling the assassin that I diverted."

"The one that did this one was wearing a SHIELD uniform," the officer said. "The cameras said so." He stood up to look at him. "Why?"

"Some sorcerer over there decided to protest Russian inequalities by putting a replessor demon into a church. Which I ended up killing. It had killed priests and was going to kill more. They pulled more and a slayer responded. Apparently it's making them look bad so one of them ordered all the slayers wiped out. The same as when the Vatican tried a few years ago."

"I remember that. That was a huge international mess."

"The president has the stuff that got sent if I know the people that it got sent to." He shook his hand. "Be safe. Get to safety. They're going to need gatekeepers and people to protect them." He nodded and ran for his truck. Xander looked at Buffy, giving her a hug. "I forgive you for being a bitch," he said in her ear.

"I forgive you for being a dweeb who hates everyone I date." She gave him a squeeze. "See you on the other side?"

He grinned. "Sure. We can have tea with your mom." She smiled and let Willow take her. A few more girls appeared. He looked at them. "Is the house under shields?" They nodded. "Go hover somewhere safe and near there. I'm not sure how powerful this explosive is." They ran for the house. "Conserve energy, ladies," he called after them. "We'll need it. When you come back, bring me the red case." He got out of the probable blast radius and waited. He nodded at an assassin he knew. "Yours?"

"No, Harris. I'm not that suicidal."

"Who?"

"A SHIELD agent. Not all of them like you guys or the super powerful sort." He shrugged. "Can we help?"

"If it blows, help the evacuation. We'll do a last ditch if we have to," he said, looking at him. The assassin kissed him and he kissed him back. "Be safe. Trust Natasha and Clint."

"I will." He patted him on the arm before leaving him there. He nodded at the officers. "I'm helping evacuate."

"Agent?"

"Used to be. Then too many bad ones got away and I fixed it. Xander Harris had me help." They shrugged and let him help with the evacuation. He could probably help them protect the civilians.

Xander called someone. "It's me. I am free. Natasha and Steve are dealing with him. There's devices on both here and Sunnydale. Yes, I'm at home. I've already called for an evac. Buffy's heading to Sunnydale because that's her hellmouth. I'm here with a few. I figured someone did. Did they also tell you they were a SHIELD agent, not just dressed like one?" He smirked. "Yup. From what Toddy told me. Yeah, we'll handle it. It's not going to be pretty though. I'm sorry. We'll last ditch it if we have to. No, there's what looks like vials with liquids on it. The bomb squad guy took film. I have no idea, no timer I could see. Exactly. Thanks. Been great knowing you, sir." He hung up and took a deep breath. This was going to be really bad. He looked at himself. "I can fight in this."

***

Buffy looked at her girls. "No, all of you who aren't patrol cleared, go back to safety. This is a huge battle if it opens."

"You'll need us," one said. "We volunteered."

"I don't care. There'll need to be great slayers later. If we need you, the coven can send you back." They nodded at that decision. She looked at the remaining ones. "They have a bomb on the hellmouth." The girls all nodded they had heard. "Even Xander's got plans in case. This was some idiot's grand plan to take all the slayers out." A few shuddered. "Just like with the Vatican but a different source this time, ladies." She looked around the area then at them. "If we start getting fired on, you girls leave and I'll last ditch it." They nodded at that. "I'll miss you," she said, choking up. "But this is my damn hellmouth and it'll die with me." They hugged her and got ready for it.

***

The president hung up. "There's bombs on both hellmouths," he told Stark.

"I've seen the film. I have no idea who designed it but it's not one I've seen on the market or off-list." He looked at him. "Those vials may be liquid explosives or they may be something like a radioactive liquid. I wouldn't think a germ sample would matter."

"Good to know. How far do we need to evacuate?"

"All of it if possible."

"It's not. That'll take too long."

"Blast radius is probably about eighty feet but it's straight up. It's shaped to blow in a cone with the point of force being on the hellmouth's spot." He drew that out. "If it works, and I can't be certain because I know almost nothing about hellmouths, it'll be a mess and the evacuation may depend on how many of the demons pouring out they can kill."

"Will a counter explosion close it?"

"He's going to rip the portal," Stark said. "Not close it. Ripping it will mean it fragments so no demons can get out unless they're tiny. Then it can be buried or shut." The president nodded, not liking that. "It's the best option we have. I've done some hypotheticals about it and that's your best bet to close it quickly and suddenly. It'll also be a light show and it'll probably kill anyone in the park. He knows that though."

"Damn," the president said. "I'm going to gut that bastard."

"Xander wanted to punch him in the nose." He grinned. "Let me hit Cleveland. They'll need more help." The president nodded so he walked out and took off from the side lawn to fly there.

The president called in all his advisors. They had been waiting because of this emergency. "It's bad." The senior senators for Ohio and California came in. "It's real bad." He handed over the emails. "Cleveland's being evacuated. There's bombs on both hellmouths."

"The international ones?" his head of the CIA asked.

"Ask Fury." He walked off calling him. "I hadn't thought about them." That director shook his head. "He's sure?"

"He had people he knows in the intelligence groups there look. He did say that Harris' plan could force a weak spot to rip into a new hellmouth."

"Where is it?" he asked.

"There's a few places that people think are weakened, sir. We're not sure," his science advisor said, pulling up a list. "We've been looking at the way it forms and how. We've identified sixteen spots that could open someday. There may be more." He let him see the list.

The president looked then nodded. "Okay. Warn them. Quietly." His head of the CIA nodded. They could talk to their counterparts easily enough. "Is that one in southern Russia?"

"Yes," he said. "Which I think would be poetic justice. Another's about sixty miles from Rome." He smiled a bit. "I'm sure they're going to be pleased." He took his tablet back.

"Probably not. They're going to crucify someone in the real one's place," he said, taking the emails back. "Right now we have girls in each location. Summers on her home turf, Harris in Cleveland. The rest are still in hiding."

"Whatever group of demented lovers Xander has is watching over them," his head of the FBI said. "We noted them moving the girls and asked why. They told us so we gave over the ones we're watching because they're having problems with various issues that the Council can't stop. Things like the NID idiots."

"I say we feed them to a kraken," the head of the CIA said. The head Joint Chief nodded he agreed. "So we back them up? We make sure everyone knows that taking that price on the slayers' heads will get them killed back?"

"Cancel it however you can," the president said. "I doubt they can pay for it anyway." They nodded and went to spread the proper news so no one would panic. His Chief of Staff called a press conference to alert them so they could get their people out of there. Not that it'd fully work. Reporters were known to stick around during battles to get tape, even if they'd die too.

***

Natasha finished strapping her former mentor down and handed him to one of Xander's friends. "Xander said he's under brainwashing."

"We heard." She looked at her. "Most of them are in Sunnydale. Xander, a few girls, and Stark's heading to Cleveland." She winced. "They both have devices."

"How many girls at each?" Steve asked.

"Less than they'll need but Xander has saved out some seriously heavy stuff to rip the hellmouth in just the wrong way so it won't close but it's unable to be active."

"I heard the plan," Natasha said. She looked at Steve.

"I'll hit Cleveland."

"I'll hit Sunnydale. We can improvise a way to put the weapon there." They nodded and the former agent called Willow to have her move them. She looked around. A handful of girls. The Avengers minus Stark and Steve. This was not good. "Buffy, let's look at that weapon." Buffy turned to stare at her. "Maybe we can find a way to get it in there without you walking in there."

"It seemed to work for Spike," she said quietly.

"While you both share the same hair crimes, you're not a vampire," she said dryly. Buffy smiled a tiny bit, showing her the weapon. "Is this going to be heavy enough?"

"Xander thought so. Maybe. He said this one's weaker than the one for Cleveland."

"That makes sense. It will close it faster to help protect the civilians." She called someone. "We need to augment a weapon. Yes, for Sunnydale. How strong is Xander's?" She listened then nodded. "You're sure it's the full thing?" She heard and nodded once. "Okay. Please. We may need an airstrike with a bunker buster instead." Buffy looked so hopeful. She looked around. "Get the girls to Cleveland. We can burn this one." She stood up. "Have Xander attach it to his." Buffy called Willow, who sent them there. "Hill, send in a plane with a small yield nuke," she said quietly. "Enough to shatter the hole." She hung up. Clint fired a tracer arrow into the hellmouth's crater so they could find it exactly. It'd have to be exact. She got taken with the last few of the Avengers. Only Bruce was left. Willow and the coven brought him specially. "You good?" she asked.

"I'm okay," he agreed. They went toward the park. It was very quiet so hopefully the evacuation had been done well enough.

"Not even the Red Skull was this fanatically stupid," Steve said quietly. They found Xander waiting. He was bleeding for some reason. "Harris, do you need replaced?"

"Nope," he said. "It's my duty." He looked at them. "Go home, guys. The world needs you guys more than it needs me." Clint slapped him on the back of the head. "Hey!"

"No self-sacrificing noble shit, Xander," Clint said firmly. "Not right now." Xander stared at him. "Really. No. Not allowed. We'll all fight and if we die, it was meant to be."

"No! Hell no! People need you guys to believe things will get better. Me and Buffy and the girls end up reminding them that things are bad." A few of the slayers flinched at that. "Take the girls and go! I can send the bomb into the hole."

"Yay. Suck it up," Clint ordered.

"Guys, want a room?" Bruce asked.

Clint and Xander both scowled at him. "Not compatible," Clint said. "Sorry, Doc." He looked over at the hellmouth. It had just exploded. Xander texted Willow but Clint took the phone to put into his vest. "No. Guys, get the bomb into the hole." He looked at Buffy. "When they start coming out, layer the girls with us."

Xander pointed. "They usually run in that direction. Very few species run to the right or right at us. Behind it is a lot of trees. They block easy access. The city planted them when they heard about the hellmouth." They nodded and Steve layered the girls and the team. Plus the agents that had stepped in. Xander nearly sniffled since they had help. Though this is not how he wanted to go out. Solo, so the girls were protected, not with a bunch of people watching him and making him doubt what he should be doing.

Natasha swatted him on the arm. "Do not think about it. Stark can get it there and out of range safest." Xander stared at her. "Really." They put the two weapons together. The kraken and the demons were fighting about who was going to get to come out. They could hear the kraken screaming in rage and the sound of demons dying. Stark landed and took the weapon to cobble together and upgrade so it was stronger. By then, the demons had won and they were coming out, with a few tentacles following. Xander stepped in, pulling his axe off his necklace to get to work. The slayers were working in their areas as things came into them. "Need a stake," he called. "Someone hit a branch for me?"

Natasha grabbed one from a backup agent and tossed at him. Xander had to dive to catch it but it worked and got stuck in his waistband. They moved on and were getting closer to the hole. Very few demons had gotten past them, and none had gotten past SHIELD yet. Though, a few bigger ones were climbing out. "Buffy," Natasha called and pointed.

She looked and winced. "Beheading." Xander nodded, rushing forward to handle it for her since she didn't have a sword. He tossed her his necklace so she could have it. "Xander!"

"Hush, woman!"

"Fine, grump." The slayers laughed.

Stark crowed. "Got it," he shouted. "Back off!"

"We can't without letting them have an opening!" Buffy shouted back. "There's too many, Stark! Just do it!"

He used his repulsors to shoot heads off most of the demons. The girls ran, the agents ran after them, and then the Avengers. Then there was Xander. Stark couldn't take his out, he was in the way.

Clint fired an arrow at it, grazing Xander's neck but oh well. The demon screamed. Xander took the opportunity to cut it on the stomach to disembowel it then behead it when it fell down. They got Xander out of the way and Stark flew the bomb in, dropped it, and flew off, letting it detonate. They still had demons so they had to clean up the mess. Mostly large, dangerous demons. With a lot of teeth. "I'm never seeing a dentist again," Clint said. "These guys must be their favorite clients."

"That's a mental image I don't want since they give birth from their mouths," Buffy called. "So maybe they're the mother of dentists."

"Damn glad I don't go," Xander quipped, taking a swing at another demon. This one died. He heard an agent scream and go down. He found him and a big problem. "Girls, vampires. Take them. Let us handle these!" They rushed over to handle the group of vampires who were taking advantage of this mess. He and the agents went back to hacking at the demons. "Fuck I want artillery," he muttered, rubbing his sore shoulder. "I really, really want artillery." Clint looked over, smirking some as he fired off another explosive tipped arrow. "Don't you want artillery?"

"Yup. It'd be handy. Got any?"

"Not on me. Bruce disarmed my pants before he had them washed."

"Those little boxes weren't good luck charms?" Stark called over.

"No, they were an emergency kit."

"They're on the washer," Stark quipped. "Damn it, I could use them."

A helicopter flew past and dropped boxes of artillery cases. Mostly in front of the demons on the side they were fighting but some landed behind the demons. Xander ducked under a swing, dodged two more, got injured by another three, but got the box he wanted and opened it to blow up the section he had just dodged through. He fired on the demons from that side with whatever had been dropped over there. Clint and Natasha had the other artillery things. Cap was fighting with the demons that were trying to get the agents who only had guns and knives. When he was out of artillery, Xander limped over to help.

"Go sit down," Steve shouted. "You're injured."

"Like this is new?" Buffy snorted. "He's done this many times, Captain. It's not an apocalypse battle if Xander's not hurt and fighting anyway."

"Shut up, wench," Xander ordered, scowling at her while ducking a blow at his head. "Hey, that already hurts. The assassin and I went 'round a few times." He kicked that demon back then pulled his axe off his back to go at these ones. He was knocked down and had to roll away from the claws that were trying to rip open his chest, but he kicked the demon back and got up to get away from it. Stark blew it away from him. He nodded his thanks and kept going.

Then there was a bright light.

***

Xander woke up with a moan, holding his head. He noticed the feel of the IV in his hand. He noticed he was in an infirmary because it was way too white to be anything but a place in hell for special people. He tried to sit up and couldn't because something heavy was across his chest. He blinked at it then undid the strap and sat up, checking himself over. Stitches. Tape around his ribs. Bandage on his head. Bandages on both legs and one arm. Small bandage on his stomach. Most of his back was covered by one. He felt dizzy. A nurse walked in already scowling. "How much blood did I lose?"

"Not that much. Lay down, Harris."

"Where am I?"

"SHIELD."

He looked around then at her. "Bullshit. The infirmary at SHIELD isn't this roomy or this white." She backed off. "Where. Am. I?"

"You're with SHIELD. This is a special base," she said. He glared. "You are!" She ran out of the room. He had been growling.

Xander got off the bed and wobbled, patting himself down. No phone, no weapons. Not in the drawer next to him. No clothes. Hospital gowns don't count for clothes; they were open in the back. He looked around and shrugged, finding the marks that Willow had put on him during his roadtrip; the marks were in case he had gotten into too much trouble so she could yank him home. Willow always did underestimate him. He landed at home, in Sunnydale. Then he blinked and he was in SHIELD's actual infirmary. "Hey," he said to Hill then passed out again.

"You are not the man I want to fall at my feet, Harris," she said. A radiation alarm went off. "Let me guess, he was in Sunnydale?"

"Briefly, it's not real strong," one of the nurses said since she had the machine to read that. "They did a nice patching up job but he's missing blood I think. He's very pale. Vampires?"

"Or someone wanted his blood," Clint said dryly. He glared at Hill. She didn't back down. "Didn't we say not to test his blood?" He helped the nurses get him onto the bed then went back to his own at the continuing scowls aimed at his head. The nurses stripped and cleaned Xander down then redid the bandages.

Kate leaned her head around the door. "Hey, Clint. You better?"

"I'm fine, girlie girl. Xander's back."

"That's great. Maybe Darcy will quit fussing." She came in to look at Clint. "Next time, let me help," she said quietly.

"Even if I had, Xander would've sent you off because of your age."

She sat on the foot of his bed. "Maybe but I could've argued with him."

"He's used to teenage girls," he said dryly. "There's almost nothing more stubborn than they've made him."

"Maybe but I'm good," she said with a grin. She looked over. "He looks rough. I saw the footage they recovered from the reporter's camera after they found his ...remains."

"There were three demons piled on him when he fell. His axe?" he asked Hill.

"Being taken care of by the weapons team." She looked at Kate then at him. She shook her head. "Boys like Xander don't like nice girls like you, Bishop."

"I don't want to date him, I want to learn from him."

"That's not a bad thing," she decided. "I'll let you marinate in your pain," she said then left.

"Thanks," Clint called sarcastically. "At least she didn't leave new paperwork."

Kate looked around. "Where's the Captain?"

"He took off to handle that assassin that had Xander before he got sent to the battle site."

She shook her head. "Oh, dear." He grinned. "I'm going to have to tell Darcy so she can fuss."

"He likes Darcy fussing. Go ahead." She called her then hung up. "Everyone else?"

"At the Tower going 'ow' as they try to move. Even Banner is."

"The Hulk took on a ball of fists that was the size of the Sears Tower. I'm sure he is sore." He shifted. She helped by adjusting his sheet for him. "Thanks, Katie," he said quietly.

"It's good to have someone to fuss over you too, Clint. By the way, your dog is insane." She hopped off the end of the bed and walked off. "I'll tell them they've found Xander." He nodded and waved. She grinned, going back to the tower. They already knew, because Stark had hacked into the infirmary cameras.

Bruce smiled at her. "He wasn't quite as big as the Sears tower. Maybe this highrise but not Sears."

She hugged him. "Green guy needs to be hugged for that like you do for figuring up how much pressure it'd take on the fly, Doc." She went into the kitchen. "I'm warming you up some soup."

"Thank you," he called. Maybe Xander had a point about being fussed over being nice. Not that the slayers would fuss over Xander. They had tried to nag when they had gotten him to the ER. Not what a wounded hero needs at all. He had decided Clint was right, Xander needed saved from the girls and a really good boyfriend or girlfriend to take care of him.

Tony came off the elevator. "I finally remembered all his tiny boxes of supposed emergency kit. Now they're in the safe in my lab." He shook his head, going into the kitchen. He smirked. "Are you making everyone food like you're the mommy?" he asked sarcastically.

She pinched him on the cheek. "You'd only be so lucky to have me as your sibling, Stark." She smiled. "I'm making Bruce soup. Would you like me to warm some up for you too?"

"No, I'm not into soup." He looked around and pointed.

"They won't let me fuss over Clint so....." She shrugged. "This way at least I get to use his range here."

He snorted. "Fine, Bishop. Use his range and his apartment if he'll let you. Is the dog here? My lab 'bots all liked playing with him for some reason."

"Yeah. He's napping on Clint's bed pouting that he's not allowed in the infirmary."

"The evil bitches there might skin you and the dog if you brought him in."

"Then they're really going to yell about the guy who came in to kiss Xander that has a ferret and a monkey," Bruce called.

Kate brought him his soup. "Not too too hot." He smiled and sipped, relaxing. She looked at the guy on the image. "Is he a bad guy? Clint said only dangerous ones like Xander and Hill thinks it's only dangerous bad guys."

Tony came out with new coffee and looked. "I'd say so. He's on at least one wanted list somewhere." He called Clint's phone, which woke him.

On the large tv, Clint glared at the visitor. The visitor scowled back. He said something mean to Clint that they couldn't see on the screen and the audio pickups didn't get because the closed captioning Bruce had it on didn't come up. Clint shot back that at least they hadn't had to do a last ditch plan and Xander was still there for him to sob on. He looked at Xander, who nodded that had been the plan. That got Xander cuddled and petted. And yup, there were the nurses glaring at them. One tried to remove the ferret but the chimp bit her and threw a fit until Xander sat up to pet it. Then it calmed down and presented him with the ferret, which didn't really want to cuddle but got one with the chimp anyway. He laid back down, letting his ex comfort him.

"Awww," Kate cooed.

Hill stomped in with three agents. The guy smoke bombed them and left with his pets before they could catch him. Clint looked at Xander. "Maybe we should go to a real hospital so your ex's don't have to sneak in here," the closed captioning said.

"I can go home," Xander said, starting to move.

"Lay back down," Clint ordered.

"I'm good. I'm fine. Really I'm fine."

"Lay back down anyway," he ordered. Clint got up and forced Xander back onto the bed then sat on him. "Stay. You're more injured than I am. You have to stay. The nurses here are evil bitches and will hurt you for trying to leave before they're ready to get rid of you. I've had one stab me before because I was trying to leave."

"Only because you tried to stab her to get out," Hill complained. "We can strap him down so we can do brain scans, see what's wrong with his."

Xander looked over at her. "Wow, aren't you a PMS'ing bitch today, Hill," Xander said. "Did someone steal your donuts?" Which was probably said in a coo by the look on his face. "Or are you still mad that you're not badass enough to be one of mine?"

She glared. "You'd think being around women all the time you'd treat them better."

"You're not a slayer, just a normal woman," he said. "You get what you give. Bitch at me and get it back, baby."

"Xander," Clint complained.

"I only treat the slayers like ladies. The rest of the women in my life get that when they act like it." He looked up. "Can you maybe get off the sore spot on my stomach?" Clint moved. "Thanks. Was a bit sore."

Clint looked. "I think I ripped it on you. Shit." He had to flip off the bed to get away from the nurse. "Sorry, Xander."

"I'll pay you back later." He caught the nurse's hand. "Don't do that." She huffed but went back to it. He caught her hands again. "No! Bad nurse! Go sit in the corner!" He shoved her off and stood up. "Bandage," he said.

"Lay back down!" the nurse ordered with a point. "I will sedate you."

He shrugged. "Most of them don't work right on me. Sure you can do that and try to kill me with it, but I know a lot more interesting ways to die. Including sex if I can catch my ex before he leaves the city." She blushed. "Bandage? Clothes?"

"No. Lay down." Xander shrugged and hugged Clint. Then he walked around Hill and out. The nurses tried to catch him but he managed to avoid everyone except for Fury since Fury walked him in there and slung him at his bed. So Xander nicely threw something at him that made him scream. Then Xander snuck out again.

Clint shook his head. "I think the director would like to have his favorite leather coat not eaten." The nurses helped him out of it and they put stuff on it to stop the stuff from eating it. Hill was shaking her head as she walked off. Clint looked up at the camera and mouthed 'save me'.

"Wow, he's a lot tougher than most people think," Kate said.

"Barton or Xander?" Bruce asked.

"Both but Xander. I didn't know he was part ninja."

"He probably got some ninja skills sexually transmitted," Stark joked, heading off. "Let me find where he is before his ex's kidnap him from the street."

"Probably too late," Kate quipped. She looked at Bruce. "I have the rest on low warm in there."

"Please." She took his mug and got him the rest of the soup then handed it back. He smiled. "Thank you, Kate. Go have fun on Hawkeye's range."

She winked. "Of course I do." She headed down to get the dog so they could play on the range. Lucky liked to fetch the ones she shot.

Bruce got comfortable and relaxed again. Watching Xander was a fun thing as long as you weren't involved. Being involved in keeping him in the infirmary drove you nuts.

***

Buffy called Xander's phone, getting Clint. "Where is our stupid guy-type person?" she asked on the speaker since he had it on there.

"Malaysia with two ex's and helping Cap."

"Is he still injured?"

"No but he's probably still being babied and cuddled. Guys like Xander need that stuff sometimes. Especially since they're the only ones who remember his birthday outside me."

"It was? I thought it was in January."

"That was Willow's doing."

"Oh, never mind then. We missed Xander's birthday."

"It was in January," Willow said faintly from that end.

"Clint said that's your thing, not reality."

"It is not!"

"I've seen his birth certificate," Clint said, sipping his coffee. "Yes it is. And they misspelled his father's name on it."

"That figures. They were probably too drunk to get it right," Buffy said. "Anyway, the girls wanted sparring time with Xander to prove they were good. Can we find him and tell him to come home to baby the minis?"

"I can tell him to come back but aren't you in England? He was taking over the US houses."

"He can stay in the US. I can ship them there. Maybe. They might like to be on a boat."

"Finish the lawsuit."

"We have. They're still going. It's probably not going to be anytime soon. But hey, the press over here only camps out. None of them try to get into the store with me when I go bra shopping."

Clint shook his head. "I'll warn Xander about that."

"Sure, but I'm sure they don't pay attention to him anyway. Oh, can you tell Stark that we need to know the name of someone who can do DNA stuff over here please? Someone saw a picture of a mini and started to say that we kidnaped her kid. So we need to have one done."

"With the old Council that doesn't surprise me any. Yeah, I can ask him for a name for you after I tell Xander a few of the girls want to spar." Lucky barked. "Hey, dog." He petted him. "Have a good nap?"

"Awww, you have a puppy? Is it cute?" Buffy asked.

"Pizza Dog's very nice."

"You named your dog Pizza Dog?"

"He loves pizza."

"Is he part turtle?"

"No. He belonged to the stupid thugs that keep trying the building."

"Oh, them. I'd offer to help but you know we can't hurt humans."

"I know, Buffy."

"You should rename him something cool, like Bowser or something. We have Bowser the turtle and I'm not sure why."

"Isn't Bowser from one of the Mario Brother games? Because he was a turtle who was a bad guy." Buffy would probably pout if she could see the look he was giving the phone for her airheadedness coming back.

"Really? Huh. I didn't know that. Well, still, he needs a cooler name, Clint."

"I'm not going to rename him after all this time, Buffy. It'd be like changing the name of a toddler."

"Fine. Next dog, name it something cooler?"

"We'll see. Each pet gets named for something in their personality, the same way you do children."

"I'd never name a kid Pizza Kid." She laughed. "Though it's cute and Willow just made a face and shook her head. Clint's puppy is named Pizza Dog, Willow."

"He should pick up a baby name book before it's too late."

"He said it is."

"Aww, poor thing."

"Hush, Willow. He's a good dog and he likes his name. I'll call Stark as soon as you hang up, Buffy."

"Oh, yeah, thanks." She hung up.

Clint dialed Stark from his phone. "Buffy wanted the name of a DNA guy over there since a new parent just came out of the woodwork to claim one of the mini slayers. England. Thanks. Cooing over my dog but I got a lot of nagging about his name. No, Arrow was what he *was* named. Now he's Pizza Dog or Lucky." He hung up, looking at his dog. "They just don't understand, do they?" The dog barked and patted him on the thigh with a paw. He petted him with a grin. "That's a good boy."

Someone knocked then leaned in. "Did I leave anything here?" Xander asked.

Clint held up his phone. "You didn't bring anything the last time, Xander. One of the girls wanted you to spar."

"I heard and told her she's too young to spar because she's nine." Clint grinned. "She was pushing back at the bullies that she was going to be a great slayer some day. We had virtual ice cream and hugs, then I told her how to prank the bullies back." He took his phone. "Let me go back to my post."

"Nat?"

"Still working on the deprogramming. Steve's still pretty uptight about it."

"Why?" he asked.

"Because the guy used to be his friend."

"Like, before he got frozen?"

"Yeah."

"Ooooh, so he was the one who helped train Nat."

"Yup." He grinned. "He's very confused. When he saw me he asked why I had a battle axe. I expanded it and introduced him to it. He walked off shaking his head." He grinned. "He'll get right-brained soon though. She's stubborn that way. Let me get back to Cleveland before the agents get too comfy on our couch." He hugged him then the dog before leaving.

Clint looked at his dog. "You know he'll be back. Xander always pops up." The dog nudged the door fully closed. Clint looked out the window when he heard an explosion. "I think the bro-dudes got him again." He went down to see what had happened this time. The mob guys were yelling at the top of their lungs about suddenly being dark purple. Not dyed because it hadn't changed their clothes, but all their skin was dark purple, even when they pulled out their clothes to check. "Interesting. You guys might just make me hate purple."

"Bro, this is not cool, bro!" one of the mob guys shouted. "How dare that guy do this to us, bro! We're going to mess him up!"

"I'm sure you will. He's going to Cleveland to take up heading the slayer house. Want directions?" He sipped his coffee. He was trying so hard not to grin or smirk at them.

"Bro, this is not good! And hell no, we don't go near that freaky stuff, bro! No way! We might get eaten or something! You need to correct that goofy boy, bro, before we have to hurt him the next time he visits you."

Clint nodded. "I'll warn him about that." Something else went off. Clint backed away from the cloud. Now instead of being purple they were more red. Still just the skin but red/purple. "Huh. I wonder how he did that," he told the dog, who seemed to shrug. "I have to find out. I know a few people who'd like that." He walked off laughing. The Bro-Coat Mafia 0, Xander 2. It was a great day to be Xander's friend. It really was. Even when a car sped up around the corner and SHIELD agents spilled out to grab him. "People, don't hurt my dog or spill my coffee and my bow's upstairs if I need it."

"You don't, sir," one said, getting the dog into the car with them. "Director Fury wanted an immediate meeting."

"Yay." He sipped his coffee and let the dog lay on his lap for now. He'd figure out what this was about later on he guessed. Though he did text Xander to see what he had used on the mob guys. No answer. "Is this about Xander?"

"No idea, sir, and most of us are really scared of him. And scared of how upset he made Agent Hill."

"Only dangerous, deadly ones like him and Hill barely tolerates him." He sipped his coffee.

"Some women get those sort of moods," one of the guys said. They walked him into the office and left him.

"If you had sent a text message I would've come."

"Uh-huh. We're going to be doing something nice today."

"Are you sick?" he demanded dryly. "I can call Banner to see what exotic poison they injected you with, sir." He finished his coffee and put his mug on the desk.

"No, I'm not sick, just fixing an issue."

"I'm on medical leave but if it's for a mission I can do that."

"It's not exactly a mission."

Clint stared at him. "Anytime you get evasive, it's a bad thing, sir. I had enough of that already. So get to the point."

"Fine, Barton. You're being useful today." Someone hit Clint on the back of the head. "Don't do brain damage," he ordered. "Romanoff will kill you. Get him ready and make sure we have Harris." He stared down at the growling. "I heard he got a dog. Go with your human. We're not going to hurt him." The dog bit the agent coming for Clint, making him yelp.

"Sir," Agent Hill said from the doorway. "Down, Pizza Dog." He growled at her too. She stared at him. "Don't make me call Bishop to come get you." He bit the next person reaching for Clint. "He should name you after Romanoff. We're taking him to Xander," she said. The dog still growled. Someone got a tranq dart and hit the dog with it. "Thank you. Very smart." They took Clint and his dog to the room they needed him in. It's not like they were going to hurt them. Just...handle some issues.

Fury smirked. "Still think it's a bad plan?"

"Yes, I do." She walked off. "I'll pull Barton's file for when he sends in his resignation letter and joins Harris to be an evil overlord."

"I'm sure he won't. It can help the slayers. They like bows." He turned to look out his office window. It wasn't his most complicated plan ever but it was a good one.

***

Clint came to standing upright for a change. He blinked and shoved the guys holding him off. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.

"Helping you get dressed, Agent Barton. Director's orders, sir."

Clint glared then looked at himself. Nice suit. "Why do I need a suit? Why did I need to be knocked out to put on a suit? The last I knew I could dress myself very well."

"Because," Fury said as he walked in. "I said so." He looked him over. "Not bad. Bit crooked." The agents fussed at it until Clint decked one and then kicked the other. "Calm down, Barton. By the way, I love your dog. He's in the next room with Bishop. On a leash, like all dogs should be."

Clint glared at him. "What the hell are you up to, Fury?"

"You're going to solve a huge problem for the world and calm it the fuck down." He pointed. "You can go of your own free will or you can go at gunpoint. Your choice."

"I'm not going anywhere."

"Uh-huh. Keep yapping. You're gonna be late." He pointed again. "Let's. Go."

"Fuck you."

"Fine." He pulled his gun. "Not like you being a tiny bit injured won't make Harris calm down too. He likes to fuss from what we've heard."

"What?" Clint demanded.

"You're going to cure the biggest problem the world has today, Xander Harris and his bouncy dumbass nature. Even the president liked this idea, Barton. So therefore you're not on medical leave, you're on your honeymoon. Now, let's go. His sedative will wear off in a few minutes and if you're there we can get this done faster." Clint glared. "I can still wound you. Then you'd be weaker on your honeymoon." He waved the gun. The two agents grabbed Clint and dragged him out there. Fury followed, putting his gun in the back of Clint's skull. "Be a good bird."

Xander blinked over at him from where an agent was holding him up. "Clint? What's going on? These guys grabbed me and it wasn't even for sex."

"They're going to marry us."

"Oh." He nodded. Then he looked at the guys around him. "Clint and I would never work. Sorry." He hit something on his watch then decked one of the agents. The other struggled but Xander had gotten the guy's knife and had stabbed him, then tossed it to Clint so he could help. "Hey, Fury, I knew it had to have a dumbass behind all this somewhere," he said, then attacked him. Fury sneered and tried to hit him back. Xander and Fury were pretty evenly matched.

Kate finished picking the locks on her handcuffs. She looked around. "Xander, book," she said, tossing him a thick one. He used it to hit at Fury, who only laughed. The agent sitting on Kate tried to stop her but the dog bit him, making him scream. Kate kicked the bench to break it, then tossed that at Xander. He was pretty good with a stake.

Hill rushed in. "Harris, it was his plan but please don't kill him," she begged.

"Shut the fuck up," Clint ordered, glaring at her. He kicked at Fury, helping Xander. His agents were down. The one that had gotten Kate from school and handcuffed her so she couldn't help them was down. That left Fury. Who wasn't wanting to go down and stay down. He looked at Kate. School uniform. "They disarm you?"

"Not fully." She pulled something out of her hair. "Explosive hairpin?"

"I love those. I'm so glad Stark got them made." He set it off and threw it at Fury, which made him scream as it went off near his head. It also made him duck, which he and Xander took advantage of. Kate was handling Hill for now. Finally Fury was down and bleeding. Clint hauled on Xander's arm before he could kill him. "C'mon, your girls are going to worry."

Xander unhit the button on his watch. "Probably. C'mon, Pizza Dog." He petted him. "You did very good. Very, very good to protect the Kate kitten."

She groaned. "Xander!"

He grinned. "What? It fits."

"Shut up." She was smiling and blushing a bit. She walked over Hill's body. "I really need to change out of my school uniform. It's not exactly cool."

Xander looked at her. "Better than the public school one that the slayers have in England. Theirs has tweed."

"Eww, even worse than wool." She shook her head. They ran to the car that was outside and jumped in. Clint hotwired it. Xander called someone. Kate petted the dog for now to calm him down. He finally wiggled up to sit beside Clint, getting hugged by him as they drove off.

***

Clint walked into Stark's lab. "We may need sanctuary from SHIELD."

"Why?" he asked, turning to look at him. "Kate. Dog. Xander."

"Now I know where I rate," Xander joked. "Fury just tried to marry us off against our wills. I woke up to agents holding me. Clint had a gun in the back of his head."

"Fury had me in handcuffs and the dog on a choke chain with me holding him so he quit biting agents," Kate said. "He lost his mind."

"He said the president agreed it was a good idea," Clint said.

"So going to campaign against him," Xander muttered, shaking his head.

Kate looked at him. "Are you still high from the sedative?"

"Maybe. Maybe I'm just being a bit zen at the moment. To all people an asskicking will come," he said dryly, smirking at her. "And if it comes from me, so be it."

"Please don't call the camp," Clint begged. "I like part of SHIELD."

Xander looked at him. "Including the part that has certain people in deep hiding from you?"

"I've seen my ex," he said. Xander shook his head that it wasn't her. "Who do they have?"

"Sit." Clint stared at him. "Paula found evidence that you didn't bury Stoic Guy."

"Excuse me?" Tony Stark demanded, standing up. "We didn't?" There was only one guy who could be described that way that knew Clint at SHIELD.

"No. He's in one of the sublevels. They cloned him a new heart or something." He shrugged. Then he called because Clint looked pissed. "Paula, me, can you please email Clint everything you have on Coulson? No, I had to activate it because I wasn't sure we were going to be able to get out of the chapel Fury had us in to marry my ass off to Clint. No, not Kate. That'd be cute, she's sweet and I can spar with her and teach her stuff, but no, he wanted Clint." He listened. "I thought....oh, that. Please. Even that, yeah. And thank Natasha too." He hung up. "Natasha sent you a few things," he told Kate. "Some of the more ancient weapons that I have there in case the slayers need them." She grinned. "They're training versions so you can learn how to use them."

"I'd adore that. Thank you, Xander." She hugged him. The dog lapped them both. "I like you too, Lucky." She cuddled him.

Clint took a deep breath. "Does Nat know?"

"Not unless someone there told her." Stark turned and got into Clint's email. He had to reload it a few times but then it popped up. He put it up onto the main virtual screen and Clint stared at the video that had been included. "Isn't that him? Paula said it was. I only saw him the once and from the side."

"That's him," Clint said quietly. "Where?"

"The secret base in Virginia."

Stark looked at the rest of the information, pulling it up and then minimizing it when he had read it. "This is not good." He looked at Clint. "We can get him."

"We are getting him. Fury's injured. Hill was knocked out by Kate." Stark hugged her for that. "We can go now?"

"We can go now." He looked at Xander and Kate. "Stay."

"Screw you, Stark. I'm on a team of my own," Kate reminded him. "Let me put on clothes. Even there, a schoolgirl outfit would get me stared at." She and Clint went to the gym to put on their uniforms.

Xander shrugged. "I can dog sit. I know I'm not an agent."

"Thanks, kid. Go watch some tv or something." Xander nodded, taking the dog with him, removing the choke collar and chain in the elevator. Stark had a quiet fit then went to put on his armor. This was not good. Very not good. He sent a message to Steve's phone to call him as soon as he got that, but in about an hour. By then he'd know something.

***

Xander was in the infirmary when they got back. "Here, guys, I prepped a bed for him just in case. All clean sheets and nice IV full of good stuff." He came over to help, checking him over. "Did you knock him out?"

"He passed out," Stark said. "Someone else's low powered laser hit him in the arm and knocked him out."

"Okay." Xander helped strip him and then laid the IV for them. "That's what they give me when I'm unconscious. Want me to turn on the CT?" He pointed at it.

"Not yet," Clint said. "The dog?"

"Napping on your bed. He got tired of entertainment shows. I didn't know someone was stalking me earlier. They never said anything. They caught the kidnaping by agents very nicely."

Clint smirked. "You tell them anything?"

"No. Giles talks to the press. I growl at them." He grinned. "Bandages?" he asked, holding up the box. Clint nodded, letting Xander help him out of his vest to clean up the new grazes he had. Kate walked in. Xander whistled at the tummy bearing black outfit. "Wow, way to go, comic book outfit." She blushed. He smirked. "Still too underage for me, Kate."

"I am not." She came to check on Coulson. "Should we call a real doctor?"

"I'm really good at field medicine. Someone had to treat me when I was in Africa," he said dryly. "That and I learned at home from Willow's mom's textbooks just like she did. She actually has a pretty good hand at stitches when I needed them."

Kate hugged him. "It sucks that you had that bad of parents, Xander. You and every kid need great parents. But you still turned out super special and great." He hugged her back.

"Aww," Stark said. Xander smirked at him over her shoulder. "Though I agree, Bishop. Can that top be any shorter?"

She smirked. "Yes. It can be. Someone suggested I wear a real comic book outfit, including the boob baring bikini-like top and the spandex panties look, with thigh high boots of course." Xander snickered, shaking his head. "I know, *so* not me." She waved a hand.

"Wow. I didn't realize you were a Kennedy."

"She's nothing like Kennedy," Clint assured him. "Even if she could sneer on Kennedy's father." He looked at the confused archer girl. "Kennedy was a slayer. She was a spoiled princess slayer from New York society."

"Kennedy.... I think I knew her. Huh. We had wondered why she dropped out of school and quit going to events. I was younger then." She shrugged. "I'm not spoiled at all. My mom did a great job."

Xander smiled. "That's always a good thing for the world. Hers...screwed up somewhere. She was *special*."

"Nor am I a Hilton," she said dryly. He grinned and hugged her again then they both got to work on Clint's grazes and her few grazes.

"Sir, that requested call," the AI said. "Mr. Harris, there's a tube of antibiotic ointment behind you."

"Cool." He found it to use.

"Stark," Tony said, using the phone up there. "Because we found Coulson alive. No, rescued," he promised. "Here at the tower in the infirmary. Someone's laser knocked him out. Oh, and they stopped Fury marrying Clint and Xander off. Fury's injured. Hill's limping and looks ready to cry." He looked at the dog that was sneaking in. "Someone finally rinsed off the blood on you." Xander nodded he had. "Yeah, he's okay. Just out of it. I've made sure, Steve. Yup, when you get back." He hung up. "He'll tell Natasha."

"Thanks," Clint said. "He was our handler," he said when Kate looked at him. "Loki killed him before the invasion."

She nodded. "That's a special bond." She patted him on the wrist. "You want some staring alone time?"

"Nah, I'm good. I'm getting used to it in my head." He looked at Xander. "Call people to make sure you're not suddenly wanted for staking Fury?"

"I already did. I'm not. Buffy called the president to bitch at him about that plan. Giles talked to his new buddy in the press. So we're good so far. Or I'm going back to Malaysia to turn into a real overlord sort." He grinned.

Clint smirked back. "Then we'd have to stop you, Xander."

"I work for the good of the world. Otherwise I'd be an evil overlord sort."

"Good point," Stark said, shaking his head as he walked off. "I'm getting some water. Barton, Bishop?"

"I'm good, thanks though," Kate said.

"I'm fine, Stark," Clint said. "Go have a meltdown." Stark glared at him mildly but did go to finish his fit from earlier. This was not good and Stark hated Coulson but not that much. Xander patted Clint to keep him calm. When Coulson first started to groan, Clint stood up and walked over so he could see him.

Coulson blinked, clearing up the images. It went from fuzzy to...Clint. "You died in the battle," he said quietly. "All the team did."

"You died before the battle," he said. "Feel okay? Want Xander to turn on the CT, sir?"

"No. I'm good. Slight headache and an ache in my arm."

"One of your dweebs hit you with a low powered laser," Kate said. Xander was leaning next to her with the dog.

Coulson looked at her. "I don't know you yet."

"Kate Bishop. I took over Clint's name when he was ...off being a ninja and stuff."

Coulson blinked at Clint. "I did not hear about that."

"I think the reason you didn't hear about it might be out of surgery by now," Xander said dryly. "Especially since he tried to force me to marry Clint earlier today."

Coulson shook his head slowly. "I doubt that would work, Harris."

Xander grinned. "Clint's like my brother so his future spouse can call me by name."

Coulson looked at him. "What?"

"Don't worry about it, sir." He helped him sit up. "The others know, except maybe Bruce."

"No, I called where he's working," Xander said. "He went for a long walk because he told me to just tell him and not try to soften it then he'd call back when he was done being green and ugly. He said he only changed halfway but he's calm now and coming back in about three days or so. Depending on when he can get a flight."

Clint grinned. "Thanks, Xander. Nat and Steve?"

"Natasha got told and went totally still for a moment then she tried to spar. Her new friend stepped in to spare the other guys and she beat him pretty badly but he's still walking. Limping, unable to pee or lift stuff, but walking. Steve is still quiet from what they've said." He pointed at the extra camera. "I put that up so they could see from the camp."

"What camp?" Coulson asked.

"Some of his ex's banded together to make a unit to back up the slayers, sir," Clint said with a grin for him. "It's a really nice agent, assassin, and commando group. They helped a lot when Russia put a hit out on the slayers."

"I'm told the President punched him for me. Pity, I wanted to do that myself. But they have given up a junior official who supposedly put that up due to the influence of a rogue priest. So basically what the Vatican did when it tried to kill all the slayers, only that one got charged with setting bombs into the hellmouths to kill humanity as well."

"What sort of blackmail did they have on him?" Kate asked.

"They might've screwed with his memories until he thinks he did it," Clint said.

"Or they could've used him to post everything and now they're expecting he won't talk or he won't make it to trial," Xander said. "Guys like that, they don't leave loose ends."

She nodded. "I've seen that."

Coulson shook his head. "Why Malaysia?"

"Not a lot of oversight," Xander quipped with a grin. "Lots of little islands. The people who set it up had land there."

"That makes sense then." He looked at Clint. "Are you all right? Beyond the grazes."

"Sore knuckles. I hit Fury a few times while getting away from the marriage of convenience hell." Coulson stared at him. "Seriously! I woke up in a room with agents putting me into a suit, and then Fury came in to tell me what was going on and walked me out there at gunpoint. Xander was coming out of his sedative." Xander yawned and nodded. "We destroyed the base chapel. Xander staked Fury. We took out eight agents."

"I took out the guy that had me there in handcuffs and had put a choke chain on the dog," Kate said. "He helped too."

"He helped when I got kidnaped and taken to SHIELD too. I got knocked out and was coming to when they tranq darted him because he was biting people. Then the air gun went off and I went black too. Fury was very obtuse and almost seemed nervous."

Coulson nodded. "I'll talk to Director Fury in a few days. Once everyone's calmed down and caught up. Bishop, knock Harris out so he can rest."

Xander flapped a hand. "I'm good. Just off injury leave." He hopped off the bed. "Want me to take Pizza Dog home and babysit him there, Clint?"

"What did you use on them?"

Xander grinned. "Trade secret." He winked and walked off with the dog. "C'mon, I'll take you home so you can eat puppy food and I can taunt the idiot bro guys."

Kate grinned. "I like how he's taking care of the Bro-Coat Mafia guys," she quipped. She slid off the bed. "Let me head home for a few hours. Call if you need more backup, Clint." She patted him on the arm. "Nice to meet you, Agent Coulson." She shook his hand. "I hope we get to work together some day. Clint's said some nice things about you." She left, sharing a cab with Xander.

Coulson looked at him. "You did?"

"It'll take someone like you to work with her, sir." He grinned. "I like Kate. She's a good Hawkeye."

"I look forward to helping her train to do the job then."

"She doesn't want to kill unless it's in a battle and necessary."

"There's places for agents like that as well." He looked around then at his IV then back at Clint. "Stark?" He nodded. "How is he?"

"Calming down from his fit. He threw a major fit that no one had told us," he said quietly. "I think he missed you too."

Coulson nodded. "There were a few times I had to think like him to deal with the idiots I'm presently working with. Before I made a new team." Clint grinned. "Relax. I'm not going to disappear. If so, you can shoot them with whatever weapon you want, Clint."

"Thanks, Phil." He hopped up onto the foot of the bed to help him calm down and recenter. It was a big shock for both of them.

***

Xander walked into his camp's main building, heading for the kitchen because it was nearly dinner and Natasha was hiding in there. Everyone who had seen him had pointed this way without saying anything. She looked over from stirring a pot. "Possum?" he guessed after looking.

She snorted. "Monkey."

"Cool. Haven't had it in a while." She cracked a smile. He put the tiny device in his hands on the counter and hit the button to pop up the top, which turned into a screen. "I think that's for you." He took over stirring. "Aww, not monkey. Chicken." He added some pepper to it and went back to stirring.

She picked up the device. "Clint? Problems?"

"No. Just wanted to say hi." He grinned and turned the camera.

Coulson's face came up. "Natasha, you are alive."

She stared. "They told you we were dead?" He nodded. "Yet it was in the media and things."

"I never saw a newspaper. As soon as I was well enough, I was given a new team to put together and pound on until they worked. We were so deep underground I never saw sunlight. If I had known," he said then paused and sighed a bit. "If I had known, my team would've been in New York, breaking us all out."

She smiled slightly and nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"When are you coming home?" Clint asked. "We want you to come home."

"Soon. He's nearly healed."

"So it's him?" She nodded. "Anything good?"

"Xander, no more salt," she ordered. "Steve and he are working on things."

"Why?" Phil asked. "Or who?"

"The Winter Soldier," she said. Phil winced. "Who was one of Steve's teammates." Phil gaped. She nodded.

"That's Bucky?" he demanded.

"Yes."

"Oh, dear."

"Oh, yes," Xander said dryly. "Speaking of, quit lurking, Barnes. Come help me carry this huge ass pot of soup she made while thinking."

"Fine," he said, coming in to get it for him. "Wow, super heavy."

"I need to strain it, boys," she complained.

"No you don't," Bucky said. "We can pick out the herbs." She scowled at him. "We can. We're big boys too, Natasha."

"Don't piss her off," Xander said quietly. "She's still having a bad shock. That's who she's talking to." He looked back. "If Clint's going to have the prophylactic marriage to make sure Fury can't do it again, invite me."

"You are, and it's in a few days," Clint said. "Not that we need that sort of condom."

"It's a just in case in this case," Natasha said then shook her head. "I'll be there." He grinned at her. "Need anything?"

"The dog's getting used to him but it's okay. Unless you wanted to take Xander's fun playing with the Russian mob guys outside my building."

She snorted. "Most of them are very dumb thugs."

"Yes, they are," Xander called. "The Bro-Coat Mafia is horribly dumb. And now approaching human colored again as the stuff I used is wearing out."

Natasha looked over at Xander then shook her head. "I don't want to know. Bro-Coat Mafia?"

"You just have to experience them," Clint said dryly.

"I nearly beat one without my wits," Coulson agreed. "They have very little skills."

"Then they might be fun toys." She smiled. "I will be there the day after tomorrow." They nodded and she shut the lid, looking over. "Thank you, Xander."

"You're very welcome." He grinned at her. "I brought you chocolate and cookies too because I'm around girls way too often and I know the special significance of them."

She smiled. "I'll get them later." She strained the soup and let them put it out for dinner. Steve came in. "Coulson is fine and they're going to be having a party in a few days," she said quietly when he came into the kitchen.

"I'd love to go to it. Bucky?"

"Yeah?" He looked over.

"Want to go back to New York? It's a lot different."

"I've been there a few times," he admitted. "But sure. She said Clint was nice enough."

Xander nodded. "Sometimes he's like my big brother."

Bucky looked at him. "You need sanity."

"I need laid," Xander said dryly. "Sanity got sucked out years ago by the slayers. You can't repair that once it's broken." He grinned. "I talked to the girls about why I wasn't there yet and they all agreed I needed to marry Clint, even when I told them he had someone better than me for him. So they're trying to fix me up with an agent or someone now."

The other assassins and agents in the room all laughed. "We'll talk with them," one promised. "They can't pick their own, much less one for you, Xander." Xander grinned. "You free tonight?"

"Yup. I sure am." That got a few happy growls. "Sparring and whoever wins against me?" They all smiled and nodded. Xander was still sore, they could win easily. Especially since he never fought them very hard.

Natasha shook her head, looking at Steve. "This is the Xander I usually see when we run into him in the field."

"I can see why." He settled in to eat and talk to the other people. They were interesting, they were helping humanity, and it was good to get to know the people on his side. Even if Xander was turning into an evil overlord slowly and carefully.

***

A Few Months Later

***

Xander walked up to Clint's front stoop, where Kate was pouting. "What's wrong?"

"Coulson's weird. He handed me a key."

"In most parts of the world, people who are climbing through a window usually try to snatch someone. Maybe he thinks you'll steal him away from Clint."

She smirked. "Not likely. He's got some sort of strange mushiness disease that's infecting his brainpan. Clint didn't even want to shoot arrows the other day."

"Hey, you gotta have time for nookie," Xander said dryly. "It's important, especially when you're married."

"I've only dated, never got that far yet," she quipped. "Oh, no."

Xander looked over then shook his head. "I take it they're still a problem?" She nodded. "Huh."

The mobsters spotted him and stared. "It's said that you speak Russian."

"I do." He grinned. "I speak Russian fairly well. Why?"

"Someone said you had tamed the Black Widow."

Xander burst out laughing. "I doubt that would ever happen, dude."

"Bro," one started.

"No, bro is a term of endearment between you and best male friends. Dude is for everyone," Xander corrected. "Get it right, guys. You sound like you're with the mob." He stared at them.

"So?" one sneered.

Xander shook his head. "Which is why you'll never be more than two bit thugs. Real businessmen fit in with their host country and they speak the native language. Or else how do you know when they're insulting you behind your back?" He said something in Russian and one of them choked. "Do you know how to say that in English?"

"We know how to swear just fine. We learned from movies."

"It. There's an 'it' in there. I spent way too long teaching the slayers languages to let that drop near me." He stared at them. "Sounding like a thug means that you'll never be the big money sort. They all speak their business partner's language so there's no misunderstandings and there's no way that they don't understand when their opponents underestimate them. Maybe some ESL classes would help you fit in better. And a new wardrobe. Because you look like you work for two bit thugs and you sound like you are two bit thugs. That means you're never going to go higher."

"He's right. All the agents at SHIELD are multilingual in case they have to go somewhere to kill someone," Kate agreed.

"Such a pretty thing," a young guy that they hadn't seen before said. "I'm called Rawdog."

Xander snapped at him in Russian. "Do not say that around innocent young women!" he shouted in English. "Do you even know what that means?"

"It means I'm good to my ladies." Xander walked over to hiss in his ear. He shook his head quickly. "Not like that, no. I like normal things."

Xander stared at him. "Which is why you need to learn the language better. How do you expect to find a cute American girl who'll marry you to let you stay in the country since I doubt you have a green card?"

"Some girls go for foreign guys but's it's always guys built like models or guys who are into college stuff," Kate agreed, watching the master at work. She had never thought about psychological refinement of their pain-in-the-ass problems. "Not plain guys or guys who only own track suits and act like bad porn actors."

The mob guys looked at each other. "You think that would help our business?"

Xander nodded. "I do. I also think that you could go past petty extortion with it. Because if you can't speak the language, you can't threaten properly in it. I've got a gun isn't a threat in the US, it's a statement of fact." They sighed but nodded, walking off. "Look into ESL classes. There's tons of places you can get them, including a lot of libraries. They also offer GED classes, so you can get a diploma of some sort. Girls like that." They nodded that might be nice.

Clint leaned out his window, staring down at him. "Quit helping them be better thugs, Xander. It makes them harder to catch."

"Sorry, couldn't help it. I do it for the slayers." He shrugged. He looked at Natasha when she walked over to them. He thought he had left her back at the base so he could come pout at Clint while she reported to Hill. "They were saying we're dating and I've tamed you. You might want to stop that rumor."

She quirked an eyebrow up. "Why did this come up?"

"They learned a bit of respect I guess." He grinned. "They asked."

"I see."

"Xander, are you sure you're not dating?" Kate asked.

"No, because she wouldn't go to dinner with me when I asked," he said. "I tried to make sure because I got weird mixed messages from her. She never wants to go to dinner with me so therefore we can't be dating." He looked at her. "If that were to change, I'd hope she'd tell me since apparently I'm missing girl clues." She scowled at him. "You are more complicated than the slayers, Natasha."

"I'm a woman like them."

"Yes, but you're a complicated woman. A slayer can be cheered up with chocolate. I'm still trying to figure out your happy making point." He moved closer. "If we are dating and you do tell me, I'll gladly go back to figuring that out."

"I did not want to go to those restaurants. I don't really like Asian food."

"There's a local tribal event in a few days," he offered with a grin. "Dinner, some native dancing and storytelling? It's at the Bolivian embassy."

She smiled slightly and tipped her head. "That may be interesting to experience." He grinned. "Sometimes you do not read women well."

"It's the lack of a vagina," he said dryly. "It really is."

She nodded. "Many men have that problem. You get closer."

"If you don't tell me these things then how am I supposed to know to start remembering things, like when birthdays are? All I know is that you kept turning me down."

"Perhaps I was too hasty." She patted him on the cheek. "You do not know when my birthday is."

"You'll tell me when it is." He smiled. "That way I can remember it. As well as our first date tomorrow night at 7?"

She nodded. "I can accept that." He hugged her. "No PDA. I'm not that sort of woman."

"That'll take some getting used to."

"Speaking of Anya, would it be permissible to perhaps lessen her shrine a tiny bit?" she asked quietly. "Not removing it but perhaps making it fit within the intended space instead of taking over the closet doorway as well?"

"I can see that." She nodded and smiled, kissing him on the cheek. He grinned at her for it. "I have to talk to a few history people though. Anya's original diary is in there and a few other things from her original life."

"Maybe Jane Foster will know someone. She's due up soon."

"I miss hanging with Darcy."

"She is very energetic like the slayers," she said. She walked back to where Kate, and now Coulson and Clint were sitting.

"She finally told me we were dating," Xander said happily. Natasha rolled her eyes.

"She's complicated that way," Clint said with a grin for her. "It's part of her nature to tease."

Xander grinned at her. "I like being teased sometimes."

"I only do that at work. Dating is not work, Xander."

"True. That means I have to move the axe off the bed, doesn't it."

She looked at him and nodded. "If only because it's dangerous and you get cut occasionally."

Kate looked at him. "You sleep with your axe?"

"I don't have a dog and we're not sleeping together at this time. What better thing to cuddle up to when you have nightmares?"

She shook her head. Clint nodded. "I've done that a few times. It's comforting."

"As long as he's not whacking off to it," Kate decided with a shrug.

Xander blushed. "I'm not into bloodplay and aren't you too young for that?"

"No!" She swatted him on the arm. "I'm not. Nor am I that young."

Coulson cleared his throat. "Yes you are. You're barely legal." Xander looked at him. "She is."

"Uh-huh." He looked at her. "When are you going to come spar with the slayers?"

"Next week when I'm on spring break. It'll be better than bikini time on the beach flirting with the college guys."

"More than I needed to know," Clint said quickly.

"It's cute how big brother he gets," Xander quipped back with a grin for Kate.

"It is cute but he's good at it."

"He is. He's a good one for me too."

Natasha patted him on the back. "It was a long flight," she told Clint.

"Want to come upstairs, play with the dog?"

"I don't need drool. The person on my other side was."

Xander looked at her. "I offered to upgrade you from business to first class."

"Did you guys finally straighten out the airlines?" Kate asked.

"No, we used a foreign one. The court case on that is next week. And during it we're due to have a major attack on Cleveland."

Clint shook his head. "Need the team to help?"

"We should have it. We think."

"The local agents have started to step in now and then," Natasha said. "It's nice. Even though it takes forever to get an ambulance anywhere near a slayer, even if they've found someone while on patrol."

Xander nodded. "We talked with the Mayor about that yesterday and added how it was nice she was suing the city since her injuries weren't supernatural related but they had fussed so long that she nearly died from the stabbing her mugger did. He's talking to his people."

"Good," she agreed.

Steve drove up on his motorcycle, staring at them. "I heard you were up here, Xander and Natasha. Checking in?"

"Running away from angsty slayers," Xander said. "They're all in pre-prom mode even if they're not the ones going. I had to remind them that much chocolate meant they couldn't get into their dresses." Steve grinned. "Really. It's been nothing but candy recently." He looked at Clint. "Save me?"

"I can do that," he promised. He smiled. "Fury's back to normal. He apologized for it."

"I didn't get one. Apparently he only cares about you," Xander said dryly.

"He thought you might try to stake him again," Coulson said. "He and I had a talk, Xander. It was well intentioned but seriously out of line."

Xander nodded. "Yes it was." He smiled. "He nearly tipped me into going to Malaysia to stay and run things." Clint shuddered. "I would've had to let them help me with the bad ideas too."

Natasha patted him on the shoulder. "We will see how to cure those." He smirked at her. "Not tonight but we will see sometime soon."

"Whenever you're ready." He kissed her on the cheek. "Behind you," he whispered.

She glanced back then groaned. "Wonderful." She turned and threw a knife at the idiot in the plastic mask with the gun. He went down with a scream. She walked over to take back her knife. "I'm with SHIELD." He wet himself. "What was your grand plan?"

"One of you has money," he whined. "I was going to rob her. Maybe hold her hostage for ransom."

Xander looked over. Then at Kate. Who shrugged. "Not the first one ever but they're always dumb."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, they are."

Coulson looked at the guy. "Xander's worth more than Miss Bishop," he said dryly.

"I am?" Xander asked.

"He is?" Kate asked.

"I've stopped the email hacking and we have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow morning," Natasha said, looking at him. "Willow is quite sorry and fighting a virus that even Stark can't defeat and kill yet." She smiled slightly.

"Who?" he asked quietly, walking over.

"A few. They were meeting and it was attacked." He grimaced. "We had to point out that you had nothing to do with it when someone said you did. That they were friends of yours and you would avenge them. Instead they died for different reasons." He smiled. "It has been handled but it was recently probated. I caught Willow hacking and dealt with her harshly." Xander kissed her, making her moan. "Not in public," she ordered.

"You cover my back very well," he said in Russian. "Thank you."

She smiled. "It is what one does when they are dating, even if their men do not realize it."

"All you had to do was say 'what about' and name a restaurant."

She smirked. "I will remember that." She pinched him on the cheek. "Be less groping, Xander."

"I can try." He looked at the guy, who was staring. "Do I need to find my axe?" He shook his head frantically and wiggled backward until he could get up and run off. "Thanks," he called with a wave at his back and a grin. "You have a happy life as a priest or something good for humanity, okay?" He walked her back there.

Clint was shaking his head but smiling. "Sometimes you're really weird, Xander."

"I try," he quipped. He heard a roar and looked around then up. "Huh. It's going to stomp the building. Go around the buildings!" he shouted. "Don't step on them! They'll try to make me fix them!" The demon grunted at him. He repeated it in one of the trade tongues he had learned. The demon looked down then nodded and walked around the buildings, heading downtown. He grinned at the staring agents. "He's harmless, just really tall."

Coulson flipped open his phone to call that in. When he paused at a nearby hospital a few people panicked, and one nearby church called everyone in to pray, but he was happily babbling at his new grandson when agents pulled up. Coulson closed his phone, looking at Xander. "He just had a grandson."

"Awww, that's great news. Their kind are really beneficial. They live under mountain ranges and help filter water." Coulson sent that to one of the agents directly. They promised they wouldn't hurt him or his new grandchild. They even helped her check out of the hospital and get out of harm's way since there was a group of people trying to storm the hospital to kill them. Xander shook his head. "They need to get some big, scary looking mofo that plays football or something to go on the air and make a PSA about being scary looking not being the same as dangerous."

He sent that idea to Giles in a text and the news with it. He sent back a 'yell a congratulations for me' and 'I'll think about adding to the public information on demons'. Xander called the local bar he knew of. "Giles said to pass on all our congrats on the big guy's new grandson. We hope it's healthy, has a long life, and has no problems finding a mate." He smiled. "That's what I was thinking, yeah. No, I warned it not to step on buildings. Thanks, dude." He hung up.

"Some day, I want all your contacts," Clint said with a grin.

"Me too," Coulson agreed. "I don't have the first idea who to call outside the slayers to figure out suddenly appearing demons." He pointed.

Xander looked then shrugged. "That's just Fred/Illyria. Hey, Fred!"

"Xander, please quit," she said sternly.

"Sorry, Illyria, I wasn't sure if you were being Fred today or not. What's up?"

She walked over. "I wish to meet with this Stark person over the possibility of getting my priests better connected to their present reality."

"There's guys within Stark that help groups get connected and help them buy the right systems for their needs," Coulson said. "We can have one of them contact you. Stark himself does not do any negotiating or anything."

"It's a pity. That man would be the star of my harem." She smiled at Xander, patting him on the cheek. "You have very thoughtful friends."

"I try, that way I make up for Buffy and Willow."

She smirked. "Yes, they probably do." She patted him on the cheek again. "What are you doing later?"

"Taking my new girlfriend out to dinner with our friends." He smiled at her.

"Hmm. I have heard much of your skills but I have time to wait to test them myself." She nodded at Kate. "He will do a young one such as yourself good. You can learn much from him."

"He's dating Natasha," she said with a point. "I just spar with him to learn that stuff."

She studied her. "I would have expected that Willow drove you away from redheads. You usually seem to avoid them but this one is smart and looks tough, Xander. Clearly your type." She smirked at her. "I'm the God-King Illyria."

"I'm the Black Widow."

"Ah!" She hugged her. "I saw you on the battles. A very fine warrior and fit to make Xander quit bouncing. A wise choice of you to pick him." She let her go and kissed her on the cheek. "If you keep him, it will hopefully be a happy union."

"Third date, Illyria, and she denied me wanting to date her for years," Xander said. He grinned at her. "Wait a year then bless us with a happy union."

"I can do such."

Coulson held out a paper with a phone number written on it. "That's the person who does the corporate and group sales within Stark. Pepper Potts said that he's free all week so call and he'll come out to your compound. It's near LA I'm assuming?"

"It is. Though I do not totally like that area. It reminds me some of hell." She shrugged. "Thank you, Mortal."

"This is Agent Phil Coulson," Xander said. "Mate to my friend Clint Barton." He pointed at him. "That is Kate Bishop, who is the other Hawkeye."

"Interesting. It's good you still work with warrior women since the slayers are pouty."

"That's why I'm taking a weekend from the house," he said dryly. "Before they drive me to evil again."

Illyria laughed. "You, evil, Xander?"

He grinned. "Me very evil. I canceled everyone's hair, nail, pedicure, massage, everything appointments because the girls were bitchy, not practicing, and giving me hell. There is no pampering at all in the house until I'm satisfied that they're acting old enough to enjoy it."

Illyria laughed. "That would be evil to a slayer."

"Oh, I canceled dates. I nearly canceled their spring planting dance," he said dryly with an evil grin.

"Ooh." She shivered. "That would be mean. The slayers need such events to find meaningless sexual release to celebrate such events. Perhaps the new girlfriend will be good to you later to cure those."

Xander smirked. "Still only our third date, Illyria. If she wants, I'll make her happy. If she wants to wait, I can do that too. I leave that up to my lovers."

"That is why I have heard you were so good to them. Well, I will see how this one goes." She nodded at Coulson. "Thank you for finding that information for me." She disappeared.

"Like ancient demon god-king?" Kate asked quietly. Xander nodded. "How?"

"That's Fred's body. Angel rescued Fred from a demon dimension she accidentally fell into. She was a slave there. Illyria's minions joined them."

Kate nodded. "You guys do really weird things."

Xander grinned. "It's normal to us."

"We can cure that funny mood," Clint said. "Sundaes?"

"Sure, I like ice cream," Kate agreed. Xander nodded he did too. They walked off together to get ice cream so Xander could calm down. Coulson sent a nice text to Mr. Giles about Xander taking the weekend off before he slipped fully evil, and said that he'd be safe in New York with his new girlfriend. He got back a 'cure him somehow' answer. He showed Natasha. She snorted but she had ideas on how to cure Xander being so bouncy and odd.

The End.