Note: Bionic looks like this http://puppydogweb.com/gallery/akitas/akita_green.jpg



A Toddler (Future) Hero




Tony Stark walked past Natasha Romanoff, handing over the squirming bundle that he had been carrying. "Your son's a pervert." He continued on his way to the kitchen.

She looked at the toddler then after him. "Why is he suddenly a pervert and what sort of one has he become?" She looked at her son. "You're not supposed to grope." He had been doing some of that so it was a reasonable idea.

"I was making out with Pepper and then she starts to giggle so I look where she is and find your son watching us," Tony called from the kitchen before coming out with a light snack and a beer. "I ask him what he's doing and his answer is 'pretty' and a shiteating grin that he usually gets about weapons. Straighten him out, Romanoff! It's not allowed to affect my sex life." He went back to his room and slammed the door shut.

She looked at her son and sighed. "We will discuss this new habit, son." She pulled out her phone to text the biological father one-handed. //You need to talk to your son.// James had to have *some* idea of how to talk about such things with another.

//Why?// was sent back.

//Your son has become a voyeur. He interrupted Stark and called them pretty.//

//The Dodgers are sucking so I'll be there in 30.//

She smiled at her son. "Your father wishes to talk to you about such matters, son." She walked him off so they could chat. She had no idea how to talk to him about sexual matters at his age. If he were an adult, they could have a constructive talk about such kinks, though she usually had that talk with someone so she could use it against them, but he was only a toddler and she wasn't sure they knew what a kink was about yet.

***

Uptown, one deceptively young looking guy looked at the other one sitting next to him. If you didn't know their ages, you'd never believe how old they were. Especially the one that had long hair like he was in some emo band; though the other had tattoos so not really that old fashioned any more. "I've got to straighten out the kid."

Steve looked at him. "What happened?"

"Apparently he's decided he's going to watch sex now." He got up to grab a jacket and headed out to the garage where his car was parked. Steve followed. "You sure?"

"With how stubborn Alex is? You'll need the help."

"Probably. It has to be because of that stupid diaper changing robot."

"Maybe it's because of the weapons," Steve said with a grin.

"I like weapons too, but it's never warped me that way."

Steve got in, letting Bucky drive this time. It was amusing each time Bucky had to be the responsible adult sort for Alex. It drove Bucky nuts but it was fun to watch. None of the team had any idea how to deal with little Alex, and Wilhelmina often laughed instead of helping them. That was mean of her, but Wilhelmina was a protection demon so they let it slide.

***

Natasha handed over the son when they came off the elevator. "Stark's not the first he's watched. Clint woke up to him trying watch him have fun with his date of the week. Bruce said he's woken up to find Alex just staring at him, then happy that he got up. Though he also said he barked at him." She grimaced at the child. "He is much too young to be knowing about such things or wanting to share by watching."

"Wilhelmina have a talk with him?" Steve asked, taking the baby to cuddle since he was reaching for him.

"She said she's tried a few times. She thinks he's trying to make sure everyone's happy." She stared at James.

"Well, that tends to make guys happy, yeah," he said dryly, taking the kid. "Let's go talk like men, kid."

"Pretty," Alex cooed, reaching for Steve. "Pretty."

"I am pretty, yes." Alex squealed and pulled him closer. "I'm pretty on my own, Alex, not with your dad. He's pretty with girls." Natasha was trying not to laugh or groan.

"Pretty mommy?" he asked with a huge grin.

"Not anytime recently," Bucky said. "If so, I'm sure she got happy too." Alex beamed at them. "Still, you don't need to check to make sure she's happy that way, son. It's not nice to watch people. I know you're two but still. It's not good to watch people when they sleep or snuggle." Alex cooed and cuddled him.

Steve shook his head when Bucky looked at him. "He's too young to understand. We'll have to start locking doors and telling JARVIS not to let him in."

Clint walked in. "Did she tell you she's gotten him to sit on the potty chair a few times?" He took the kid to kiss on the head since he was chanting 'kissy' at him. "Good boy." He walked off.

"We're talking about his voyeurism," Natasha said.

Bucky looked at her. "Guys pee standing up," he told her.

"How would I know? I don't have a penis I enjoy using. Beyond that, he has no aim."

"Good point." He looked at his son, who was happy wiggling. "You're so weird." He smiled. The baby barked at him. "No, I'm not a dog."

"Pretty, Unclie!" he said with a point at Steve.

"No, I'm not going to be pretty with Uncle Steve," he sighed. "He likes girls too."

"Pretty mommy too?" he asked Steve.

"No, I've never been pretty with your mom, Alex." Steve patted him on the head and got a bottle of water so he could cover up wanting to laugh at the kid having ideas. Wilhelmina came out to get him. "Any idea why this started?"

"No clue. Unless he had a vision where it needed to happen or it's carryover, but I doubt his team fell down in mutual post-apocalypse battle stress relief, because eww that would mean Buffy screwing Xander and that's just wrong. He's dangerous but not predatory enough for her." She took the baby to look at. "Why are you so concerned about that?" She read his mind and then sighed in displeasure. "STARK!" she bellowed. He came jogging in. "You read the baby porn?" she demanded. Natasha moaned, putting her face into her hands. "That's how he got the idea that everyone's having sex. You read him all-team porn." She handed the baby back. "I should punish you by making you change diapers." She walked around him.

"When did I do that?" he demanded. "JARVIS, defend me here please?"

"Last week you were reading him rather questionable stories you found online while you were looking at the newest fandom movements of the avengers, sir."

Bucky looked up. "How many of them had me and Steve?"

"Of the four rather longish ones he read to the baby, two had you two together, one had you two and a female between you, and one was all team in various...couplings if that would be the right word since it ended up with everyone helping Agent Romanoff get...happy. There were a few others under ten thousand words he mumbled about as well."

"Pretty," Alex cooed with a grin for his father.

"Stark, run," Steve said. "Just...run." Stark walked off muttering. "Well, now we know he likes that stuff," he said when Bucky stared at him.

"JARVIS, can you block him from reading that to the baby?" Natasha asked.

"I do not pick sir's reading materials, Agent Romanoff. I'm sorry. I can try to remind him he's talking to a toddler but he wasn't really aware the baby was in there until he wanted changed. Then he let the diaper changing robot handle it while he fixed something. Then you showed up to gather him from the lab."

"I remember that night. Has he done all this since then?"

"All but staring at Bruce," Clint said from his seat in the lounge. "That happened the night before then. I don't think anyone's figured out why he barked at him."

"He thinks shapeshifting means a werewolf," Wilhelmina called from the nursery. "Instead of him going huge and green."

"Ah," Clint said, nodding. "Okay."

She came out. "Or he thinks he's a hairless, green werewolf. One of the two." She gathered the baby. "Let's take a bath, Alex." He pouted. "You can have Daddy help if you ask him nicely."

"Me?" he asked with a grin.

"Sure, why not." He took him to bathe. Steve came to help because Alex was wiggly in the tub. "Why does he like water or is that an all kid thing?"

"Not sure. I don't think he had a whole bunch of water related time after the mermaid stuff. Though Bruce said he peed all that out." She shrugged. "Most kids like water." She smiled at Natasha. "You can take him into the pool. They make special diapers for that."

"I'll consider it. It might encourage him."

"I've already chased him away from the pool twice. He thought it was a huge tub and was hoping for bubbles." Natasha smiled and nodded.

"We can work on that," Clint said. "Then teach him how to swim so he doesn't drown." Natasha looked at him. "It's a good idea."

"It is," she agreed. "I have no idea how I'd do that though."

"Floating," Clint said. "Same as you were taught."

"I got thrown into a pool and figured it out."

"Okay, well, you start by learning to float," he said. "That way you don't drown when your brother pushes you under the river."

"I'll find a book or something," Wilhelmina said, walking off to mourn for both of them being not-kids. The group needed more kid innocence. She looked around. No other wish demons but she felt magic. "What is that?" she muttered. "Guys, we have a temporal spell going on."

"What?" Natasha demanded. She hopped up and looked at the sensor readings for the tower. "Near here but not here."

"If they come through, they'll have to go back or they could corrupt things," she warned.

"We can handle that." She, Clint, Steve, and Bucky, who was now amply wet and handed off the baby as he walked past her, headed for the elevator.

Wilhelmina looked at the baby. "Let's finish your bath before you crap on the rug." She carried him in there and got down to bathing him. He was wiggling and happy. "If you called the temporal thing into being, please don't." He cooed and patted her nose then splashed her. "Thanks, just what I wanted, to be in a wet t-shirt contest, kiddo." She splashed him back to get soap off him. He squealed and splashed her. "I'm trying to get the soap off you." She poured water over his head, making him splutter but giggle. So he splashed her again. She sighed but finished his bath then got both of them redressed and dried off. It was going to be a long night. He didn't want to sleep.

***

Wilhelmina's voice floated out of the living area. "Alex, I felt Thor pop in," she called. She smiled at the squeal. "Sorry, Lord Thor, but I'm presently fighting the food poisoning."

Alex squealed all the way out to pounce his very tall uncle who conveniently had a cape to try to climb up. He managed a few inches of climbing before Thor pulled him around to hug. "Thor!"

"You climbed me very well this time, Alex." He smiled at him. "Are you well?"

Alex kissed him then stared at the two women with them. "Pretty," he cooed, pulling one over to hug from the cuddly spot. "Pretty?" he asked Thor with a grin.

"Yes, she's quite beautiful."

Wilhelmina came out wiping her hands off on her shirt. "Sorry, I tasted Alex's baby food first and didn't realize it had spoiled. Food poisoning sucks." She took Alex back. "You're not allowed to ask about that," she said, staring at him.

"It's okay if he thinks I'm pretty," Jane Foster, Thor's girlfriend, said with a smile and a wave for the baby. "I have no idea about you little people."

"Unfortunately he's learned that word because he thinks you and his uncle would be hot together in bed. Someone was reading Avengers porn," Wilhelmina said dryly. Jane blushed but the other lady burst out laughing, taking the baby to cuddle.

"Pretty. Mine?" he asked with a grin.

"Sure, I can cuddle you, little guy. Who are you?"

"That's Alex," Thor said. "The Widowmaker and Winter Soldier's son. Someone made him come into being for nefarious purposes but he was rescued."

Wilhelmina smiled and waved. "I'm Wilhelmina, the nanny." She looked at Alex. "Hand out of her shirt, you know better." His hand got moved. "Sorry, he's a pervert. He's two but he's a pervert." She went into the kitchen. "I'm putting on some coffee, people. Anyone need anything else? Lord Thor, they're all out doing something with the press people who like to nag them."

"That's fine. We can rest." He took the baby back. "You are too young to woo a woman, Alex," he chided but he was smiling.

Alex grinned at Jane. "Pretty him?"

"He does think I'm pretty, yes." Wilhelmina came out to hiss in her ear, making her blush even worse. "So that's what that means."

"Yup." She walked back into the kitchen and came out with coffee mugs for them and a large bottle of juice for Thor. She looked at the baby, who was staring at her. "Did you want a cup?" He grinned and lunged over to grab her. "Okay, we can get you a sippy cup." She got him something to drink and let him wander again. "Stay inside." He giggled. "Stay inside or no toys in the tub later. Just a bath and no fun stuff." The baby wandered back toward the kitchen and jumped a few times. "You don't need bread." He grunted and pointed.

"He saw birds," Thor called. "He's mumbling about them."

"Ah. Sure, we can feed the birds." She took him and the bread out there to do that. He cackled at the birds, trying to catch a few. "Let them eat. That's mean, Alex."

Thor walked out to look down at him. "You must respect animals. Even pigeons. They serve a purpose in nature, even if they do carry diseases." Alex patted him and tried to climb him again. Wilhelmina shook her head but picked him. Thor took him back inside. "Come, I will tell you a story my mother told me once." He settled down to do that. The baby cooed, even though the story was in Norse. "Wilhelmina?"

She leaned in then grinned. "His ex, Anyanka, taught it to him, Lord Thor."

"Ah. No wonder he understands." He smirked at the baby. "Those memories will not fade, will they?"

"Nope. They left him with his visions. It'll be like a dream to him but he'll have carryover." She went into the kitchen. "Alex, want beef or chicken tonight?" He was silent. She looked at him. "What?"

"Pie!" he quipped with a grin.

"I'm not giving you pie for dinner. I'm not Clint or Stark, dear. What do you want for dinner? If you don't tell me it's broccoli casserole with rice." He grimaced and fussed. "Cow or chicken?" He pouted at her. "That won't work either, dear." She grinned and held up things. "Which one?" He pointed by waving a hand. "That'll work." She took them both back into the kitchen to fix him dinner. "Should I make extra for you guys?"

"We're good, thank you," Darcy called. She looked at the baby. "You are adorable." He crawled over to cuddle her. "Hi." She let him snuggle in and flirt with her, smiling back. "You've got game, kid. You've clearly learned from your uncles."

"The wrong one," Jane complained. "Babies shouldn't be sexual that way."

Thor shrugged. "He's cooing that she's pretty and snuggly like his mother but he likes her hair." Darcy grinned, letting the baby have some of her hair to play with. He kissed Jane. "Go put things into your lab?"

"I can do that." She stood up. "Let me go down to the labs, Wilhelmina."

She looked out there. "You're not my charge, Doctor Foster. You don't need a nanny." She smiled. "Take Thor before the kid decides he's giving pony rides again?"

"I can do that." She took Thor with her, making him smile.

Darcy looked at the baby. "It'll be cool. We can read or something. I know how to read." The baby smiled and patted her chest. "No, not yours. You're on a cup, not one of those."

"Not like his mom took stuff to breastfeed him," Wilhelmina quipped. "She was very confused about why he liked nipples though. I told her babies are like college guys, it's all about the boobs even if they won't do anything for them." Darcy laughed, hugging the baby and nodding that was a true thing. Wilhelmina grinned. "We have to keep him from bugging Stark sometimes. Tony does things like not realizing he's reading the baby porn."

"Awww, you poor guy. You already have the wrong idea about women."

"And his dad and uncle," Wilhelmina quipped. "He was checking the new avengers stuff that came out." Darcy shivered. "Exactly." She went back to cooking.

Alex sat up and looked around. "Pus!" he said with a point and a stare. "'Vis! Pus!" He wiggled down and tried to go outside.

Wilhelmina hurried after him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She looked at the hovering helicopter. "Shit, that is HYDRA. JARVIS!" She ran back inside with the struggling kid. "You're too young to fight HYDRA, Alex. Stop it!" The defenses around the building went down and alarms started.

Alex looked around. "Pew pew!" Wilhelmina gave him a funny look. He ran for the elevator, pounding on it a few times. "Pew pew, 'Vis!" The elevator opened and Darcy followed while Wilhelmina called for help.

Darcy ducked into the lab. "Guys, HYDRA copter hovering outside," she said.

"They're bad?" Thor asked. "I have not heard of them."

"Yes. They're very bad and they're the ones that broke SHIELD," JARVIS said. "The landing pad is open, Lord Thor." Thor grabbed his hammer and headed up there. "Miss Darcy, please get Alex out of the weapons? He's a bit too young for them as of yet."

She ran back to where the baby was gathering things. "What are you doing? Why are you playing with a mummified hand?"

"Pew pew!" he said with a point. Then he looked up. "Damn it! Now!" A brunette young woman appeared, staring at him. "Pew pew! 'Pus!" He pointed.

She stared up then at him. "You have the shittiest luck, Alex." She looked. "We need fingernails for that one." He pointed. She got what she needed and crushed it on her way upstairs. She headed out through an open door and threw the bag of mixture onto the helicopter, watching as it burned. The forceshield around the cabin area burnt and that let Thor bring it down. "Still got it," she said happily. She looked down at the sound of little feet, catching Alex by the back of his shirt. "Do you have no sense!" she demanded. "You're two, not twenty-two anymore!" He looked up at her. She stared back. "Dumbass."

He grinned and hugged her. "Pretty Faith."

"Nah, not in this life, kiddo. I swore we'd never go there again after the last time I nearly killed you in bed because I was evil." Darcy made a squeaky noise. Faith looked at her and smiled. "We were both teenagers then."

Wilhelmina came out. "Faith? Guardian angel duty?"

"Yeah." She handed over the kid. "Because he has *no* sense."

"Did he ever have sense?"

"Not during battles," Faith sighed. The helicopter was trying to come back up.

"Pew pew friends," Alex said. Then he smirked at Wilhelmina.

She looked. Thor was fighting the others that were trying to invade the tower. "Faith, his weapons are hidden in that same room." She ran down to get some things. Wilhelmina looked up. "Hey, boss?" she called. "You wanna give me some leash room here?" She felt the authority hit her and handed the baby off. "Don't let him down. He'll try to help." She stepped to the edge of the roof and magiced the back rotor of the helicopter.

The metal blades turned into styrofoam. Not exactly something to keep you air worthy. Faith came up and sighted the rest of them. "Move, Thor," Wilhelmina called. He got out of the way so Faith could fire on them. That worked. The few left living from the demonic fire were gone now. They crashed onto the street, which was being cleared by police officers JARVIS had notified. The women looked down there then at each other. Wilhelmina looked up. "Any other HYDRA idiots coming?" She shrugged and changed back to human. "No clue according to the boss."

Faith looked up. "Mine either."

Alex walked over to hug her. "Cas," he cooed.

She looked down. "I am not Castiel to your Dean, Xander Fucking Harris. You'd never catch me in a flasher's coat or having a doubt about how to end humanity." She kissed him on the head. "I'll tell the others you're cute again. Maybe someone like Flash will come visit."

"Please don't send necromancers," Wilhelmina complained. "His parents get really weird about the chaos mages that show up now and then."

Faith grinned. "Us too." She dropped the tube and handed off the baby. "Let me go report this. Before the higher ups get pissy again."

"Bye," Alex said, waving and blowing a kiss. "Take pew pew?"

"No, I don't need a weapon, boytoy. I'm good." She smirked and faded out as Iron Man appeared.

Stark stomped over, looking at the weapons. "Who was that?"

"Faith. His guardian angel." She looked at him. "Yes, that Faith."

Stark moaned. "Okay. And this is...."

She pointed. "They were HYDRA. Had it on the side of the copter."

He looked. "I can see that in the mess. Thor, we good?" he called.

"Aye, they're all gone and nothing in the helicopter points to why they wanted the baby." He flew up and looked at Alex. "Why do they want you?"

"Dada," he said with a grin. He looked at Stark.

"I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, they'd want you for your parents. Let me call them...." He walked off to get the suit off and make those calls. "Barnes, Stark. HYDRA just tried to snatch your son. Fortunately his guardian angel helped Wilhelmina and Thor bring them down." He hung up on the swearing in Russian. "At least he's warned. JARVIS, pull up security footage please?" He did that. "Send a copy to Romanoff's phone, or Barton's phone, whichever one doesn't have it turned off at the convention. Thank God I was at the engineering symposium instead."

Upstairs, Darcy looked at the kid. "Wow." The baby grinned and got down to come cuddle her. "Sure, we'll go cuddle inside where there's no bad guys for me to tase, okay?" She walked him inside. Wilhelmina calmly washed her hands and got back to cooking. Thor went to check with Stark and check on Jane. Darcy looked at the kid. "You're good." He grinned and snuggled into her chest with a smile. "Not that good, kid. My boobs aren't yours." He laughed and hugged her around the neck, then floated over a book.

"No magic," Wilhelmina called without having to look. "You can get up and get one then snuggle back in. You know it creeps your father out."

The baby handed her the book with a smile. "Sure, we can read." She opened it to read the kid book. When it was done, she pulled up a few lighter books on her phone to read to him. He enjoyed those too.

***

Clint's phone beeped and he looked at it. He was hiding in the bathroom at the moment. "Please let this be something I can use to take a break?" he mumbled as he thumbed open the message. He played the video. He stomped out. "Avengers, let's go," he ordered, tossing Natasha the phone. "Stark's no longer under attack."

"They wanted my son?" Natasha demanded coldly. "Hell no," she finished in Russian. She looked around. "Rogers!" His head popped up. "Now." He found Bucky, who was swearing at something. "The helicopter?"

"And our son's got a guardian angel," he said in Chinese.

"Hell no," she said in Russian. They left together. "We really must finish them off."

"Just save some for the rest of us who want to beat them," Clint said. He was wisely behind the angry parents. Steve got the phone from Natasha and watched the video, going cold and clinical. The crowds of adoring fandom people stared in awe as they stomped off to go stop this problem in the making. A few were also watching them go so they could watch the fantastic asses in spandex walk off.

Though, a few people could speak Russian and one there spoke Chinese. They told their friends what had been said. Another one checked the online news and told them it was HYDRA. The convention got a lot more lively after that. There was a lot of *dreams* about how the baby came to be.

***

Steve got out of the SUV first and headed up to the labs. "Stark, any ID on them?"

"Former SHIELD agents," he said, handing over a tablet. "I'm trying to trace where they came from." He looked up at the silent assassins in the doorway. "Faith, the slayer Faith, is his guardian angel."

"That may be very helpful," Natasha said dryly. "Any other good news?"

"The thing she used? It's not in the book." He let her see Faith mixing that and what it did.

"Nice," Bucky said. "I need that recipe." A piece of paper floated down. "Its in the second edition and only six volumes got printed of it. She'll try to get us one. Okay, thanks," he called. "Any idea which parent they wanted?" New words appeared. "Alex seems to think it was to draw me out." He looked at her.

"Both of us would be a trophy for them," she said bluntly. "It will not happen." She stared at Stark. "Where?"

"Looking."

"Who?" she asked.

"SHIELD agents," Steve said, handing over that tablet.

"Cosgrove Point, Alabama," Stark said, putting up a map. "Looks like they move every few days to a different safehouse."

The assassins nodded. "I love Alabama," Clint quipped. "All sorts of swamps for people to get eaten in." He walked off. "Let me get a few extra arrows."

"Get me my spare guns," Natasha ordered. "And bullets." Stark pointed so she got into the armory he had in the lab, pulling out a large ammunition box. Bucky got his. She got hers. Clint handed over her spare guns and got his extra arrows from in there. Steve got a new gun since he only had a knife on him right now. And his shield. And they left.

Thor waved at them. "Safe and prosperous journey, my friends. Have fun with your prey." Natasha shot a smirk at him for that. "I will guard the baby."

"Thank you," Steve said with a grin at him. "He has no sense."

"I had noted that, yes." He went back to check on the baby and Darcy. They were cuddled up on the couch reading a longer adult book that was more about fighting witches. Alex was happy with that. Darcy didn't seem to mind. "Your parents will end this threat and be back," he promised, patting him on the head. The baby blew a kiss and patted the kindle, making Darcy read some more. Thor walked off happier. Darcy would use that amusing taser on anyone who got near the baby. He was safe in the tower for now.

***

Jane looked over the book of demon part recipes. "It's like dead thing chemistry." Stark pulled up the video of their test of the explosive. "Damn." Stark nodded with a grin. "So the one that burned the copter...."

"Normal I guess." He shrugged. "We have no idea why it works."

"Great." She put the book down. "Magic is real?"

"Magic is apparently very real. Beyond illusion things. The kid's got some and draws chaos magic sorts." She shook her head. "He's a good boy and they don't hardly ever want to hurt him, except the one that dated him before." He looked at her. "The baby's cute and cuddly and a baby but he's also got a history."

"I saw the tv show thanks to Darcy way back a few years ago. We were slightly drunk but I remember a lot of it." Stark nodded. "Great."

"He got recycled into this realm."

"That's good. I guess. At least we're mostly sane."

Stark grinned. "I'm usually sane but slightly busy."

She nodded. "Science does it to me too." She looked at the two playing in the gym across the hall. "The weapons room?"

"He had a poker debt. They paid." She moaned. "We had fun with the weapons. He got cuddly and licked a few. He peed on some. He all but humped a few others." She shook her head but was smiling. "He's a little guy."

"He is." She looked at him. "What do I need to be aware of for me and Darcy?"

"He's usually pretty good. He likes to sneak in to watch people have sex so lock the door. He's always been fascinated by nipples. He's snuck in with all of us and tried to have a snack. He's usually a pretty good boy but if you see him peeing, he'll overflow the diaper. Call Wilhelmina or the diaper changing robot." He pointed at it. "It's a cute thing and his best friend but it's really handy."

"I guess it would be. Diapers are supposed to be nasty." She smiled when the baby ran from Darcy with her hair comb. He ran into the lab and handed it to Tony, who smiled and took it. "Did you steal from Darcy's hair?" she asked with a grin for the baby. He smirked and ran over to his buddy, who picked him up to change him and spray him clean.

Darcy came in and paused. "Wow, I know some college guys who'd adore that feature. Better than a bidet any day."

Stark smirked at her. "Don't tempt me. Pepper said I couldn't." Alex started to pee so the suction tube came up to stop it. "Aww, are you making him feel better. That's nice of you, Alex."

"Didi," he said happily, grinning at the women.

"We can see that, little guy," Jane said, looking at Darcy, who was giggling and taking film of it on her phone. "Don't do that."

"I wanted to share it with a few people." She grinned. "They'll adore the diaper changing robot." She walked off texting that video to a few friends. Who all agreed, some frat brothers would adore that.

Stark shook his head. "I thought about making a unit for gay brothels," he quipped. She walked off laughing but shaking her head. Stark got back to work once the baby was out of the lab. He didn't want him to get hurt and JARVIS tripped the safety switch whenever the baby was in there so he couldn't do anything with a power tool anyway.

***

Alex looked around at dinner then at his nanny. "Mommy?"

"Working with the others, dear." She handed him his kiddie spoon and bowl of casserole.

"Daddy?"

"Working with your mom, Uncle Steve, and Uncle Clint," she said patiently.

He cooed. "Pretty?"

"No, I doubt they're being pretty together," she said dryly. "And mind out of the gutter." Alex giggled, eating some food. He spit it back out and grimaced. She laughed. "Eat." He shook his head and shoved it onto the floor. "I should make you clean it up. I really should."

"Ucky!"

"No it's not." She tasted a bite from the pan. Then she sighed and fed him a bite. That's when she noticed the magic. "Okay, maybe. Who's doing that?" Alex beamed at her, waving some. "Fine." She tasted that bite and grimaced. "No wonder you almost got food poisoning. That sucks." She cleaned up the mess and started protections around the kitchen. Alex chuckled and let Darcy feed him some of her sandwich, which didn't leave her fingers until it was in his mouth. That saved him from having his food poisoned.

Wilhelmina got done and tasted the stuff in the pan. Now it was off. It got dumped and she made the kid a peanut butter sandwich instead. He enjoyed that and spread it all over his cheeks while eating it. "Someday I'm going to look back on this and laugh my ass off, kiddo." Alex beamed and waved at her then pointed outside while finishing his dinner. She looked. "JARVIS?" she called, sounding patient. "Why is there a guy clinging to the windows?"

The AI hummed. "I do not know. He's not been noted in the press for climbing buildings. Ah, I see a thermal tipped weapon."

Wilhelmina sighed and looked up then walked over and went to demon face, staring at him. He took a picture but she waved a hand and crushed the camera. Then she smiled. She waved 'bye' at him and cut the rope. He fell with a scream, letting his backup team catch him. "Aww, pretty sounds."

"Pew pew?" Alex asked with a grin.

She smiled at him. "Not a chance in hell. You're too young to use artillery, dear." Darcy was laughing. "He does love his weapons."

"They're pretty to look at but some of them scare me." She helped clean up the messy face. Alex got down and toddled off toward the nursery. They didn't mind. He was probably getting a toy. Neither woman saw him come out dragging a short sword under one arm, the hand guard wrapped around his arm, and the other hand holding his favorite stuffed animal his Uncle Clint had gotten him. In his teeth was the strap to Mjolnir. The war hammer was nicely letting the baby carry it easily. Darcy came out of the bathroom and found Alex outside, still with the same weapons. "Um, Wilhelmina? Thor?" she called quietly. She took pictures for the parents. That had to be baby book worthy. "Thor!" she called a bit more loudly. Jane came out looking pissed off. Darcy pointed.

Jane looked. "Wow, he must be worthy. Thor!" she snapped. He came out stretching and yawning. She pointed. "It likes him. Is that a sword?"

"It is," Thor agreed. The baby shifted and he could see his hammer in the baby's teeth. "He must be a great warrior some day," he said, going out there. Alex thumped the hammer on the ground, making Thor wince for his poor weapon. Then he picked it up after dropping the sword and thumped it again. Lightening ran down the side of the building. All three of them heard the screams.

Wilhelmina walked out there. "What did I tell you about weapons, young man!" she demanded. He squeaked and dropped the hammer over the side of the building. Thor went down to save whoever it had landed on. "Take your eagle and go inside." She pointed. "Now. Sword time is over with and I'll gladly deal with the bad guys." She looked over the side. "Huh. They have demon backups. Cool." She took the sword from him and pointed. He trudged back inside pouting. "Don't you dare congratulate him. He knows he's not big enough to do more than pet the weapons," she called when Darcy picked him up to cuddle.

"I'm going to keep him in here," she called.

"Great. Please do." She leaned on the sword, looking down at the idiots. "What are you doing?" she demanded. "Beyond pissing off Lord D'Hoffryn?" The demons stared up at her. She grinned and wiggled her fingers. "I'm going to pretend to be a slayer in a minute." The demon kept staring. She did something at them and they all fell screaming. She looked at the humans. "Next?" They were trapped between her and Thor. Then Stark got out there in the suit to deal with them. "Sure. The demons need beheaded, Lord Thor," she called. "The blue one's feet we can use to make a super explosive that'll rival a volcano. Save them for me please?" He stared up at her. She smiled. "Want a sword?" He nodded. She tossed it down. He let it land then picked it up to behead the demons, and did cut off that one's feet for her. "Cool." She smiled at the baby cuddling Darcy. "You're still grounded. No park this week for you." He pouted. "Tough shit. You knew better." She went back to the dishes.

Darcy looked at Jane. "That's a bit insane," Jane decided.

"With who his parents are, there's people who'd like to own him. And two cults that want to sacrifice him," Wilhelmina said. Then she shrugged. "Then again, there's ones from his last life that'd like to sacrifice him for stopping them." She grinned. "They're mad he stopped a few things."

"I guess doing the duty he did there is like that," Jane decided. Wilhelmina nodded with a grin. "It's good he's safer now usually."

"His mom's going to fry them if they leave any living," Darcy said. She looked at the snuggly baby, who was sucking his thumb and asleep. "Awww," she said quietly. Jane looked and smiled, taking a picture with her phone. "Hey, JARVIS, did you get a picture of him with the weapons for the baby book?"

"We have an amassed pile of pictures but no one's started the baby book yet," the AI said.

"I can do that tomorrow while Jane gets set back up." She smiled at Jane.

"Sure. Have fun. I'm no good at that stuff and you did mine too." She got some water and left to check on Thor. The officer was asking about the feet. "The nanny said that they're used in an explosives formula," Jane said.

"Stark is not allowed to experiment with those sort of things," the officer said firmly, staring at Thor. "There was a very tiny amount that ruined half a block, Lord Thor. Down to the subway."

"I'm not experimenting but Wilhelmina is saving them for the kid," Stark called. "So he can experiment when he's older."

The officer glared up at him. "Still not allowed, sir."

"We can do it at the facility in Malibu."

"Uh-huh. Please put them up safely away from all use, Lord Thor."

"I have no idea what she intends to do with them," he admitted. He carried them up there and handed them over. She dried them out magically then went to store them in the demon parts pile downstairs. Some day soon she really had to organize that.

Jane and Thor went back to their room. They did not want to know sometimes. Darcy was being cuddled and happy about it. So she was fine for now. Stark could save her.

***

Bucky looked at his phone when a picture got sent from Stark. He stared at it then sighed. "We've failed as parents," he said. Natasha looked over. He held up the phone so the others could see.

"That's Thor's hammer," Clint said. "He's carrying it in his teeth."

"It must've made itself really light," Steve said. "It felt like a five pound sledge for me."

Natasha looked at the picture, then at Bucky. "We must encourage him to find a career that does not include spandex."

"Definitely."

"Modeling?" Clint guessed with a grin.

"Medicine," Bucky and Natasha said.

"He likes to help bandage," Steve said. "And fuss at injuries."

"Good!" Bucky said. "Before he drives me to drink. Not that it'll help."

"We will straighten him out when we get home." She looked at the map. "Tonight?" The guys nodded, getting back to setting their priorities for the battle.

***

Alex looked at Tony the next morning. He was crashed on the couch. He snuck over and looked under his shirt. Tony woke up to scowl at him. "Boobs?" he asked with a grin.

"No, I don't have boobs," he said. "Who taught you that word?"

"Sorry," Darcy called from her cooking. "I had to tell him to quit trying to fondle mine."

"Girls have boobs, Alex, not guys."

Alex patted him on the stomach. "Boobs." He walked off giggling. Suddenly his stuffed friends all had boobs too by what he commanded them to.

Wilhelmina walked out to stare at him. Then she looked at Tony. "He's being a tension break. Before it was bad jokes."

"I do some of that myself," he agreed. He looked at the grinning kid. "Thanks, Alex. I still don't have boobs. Not without a lot of surgery and therapy."

Alex grinned and nodded. "'Low."

"Oh, shit," Wilhelmina said, staring at him. "Is she on this plane? D'Hoffryn! Willow's here!"

He appeared, nodding. "She's already tried a few problematic things against those who were breaking in last night. Thankfully they make ugly women." He looked at the baby, who grinned and waved. Then he looked at his protection demon. "She left some of the spell residue on the building. Go clean it." She ran off to do that. He sighed and looked at Stark. "If you had walked into your workspace, you would've ended up partially female. The same as the ones she caught trying to break in last night did."

"Boobs," Alex said with a nod and a grin. "Boobs heavy bad. No fighties."

"They are hard to fight around, yes," Tony said, staring at him. Alex beamed at him. "We've got to find new ways to warp you, kiddo." He looked at the higher demon. "Any words of wisdom?"

"He ruined all I had." He disappeared.

"Stark, you can't go into your lab," Wilhelmina called over the intercom. "The spell's all over it and spell cleaning's going to take me forever, or I can call someone and have them do it within hours. Even a hazmat suit won't help."

"Get someone to help you, but make sure they can't steal any ideas or anything," he called back. "And if you find her, you can have a talk with her too."

"I can do that. Definitely."

"Will it affect Jane?" Darcy asked, coming out with coffee for her and Tony.

"Don't know," Wilhelmina said. "She might end up with more breasts. It's Willow, anything's possible." She sighed and hung up, calling a few friends of Xander. They really had to handle things. Even if one was a necromancer.

Stark shook his head, sipping his coffee while Alex giggled about boobs on his stuffed animals. Tony got him a female one with boobs so he'd have a legitimate one. Before he freaked out Steve by seeing if he had any.

***

Natasha got the newest video from JARVIS, shaking her head before erasing it. "Our son may not be gay. He likes breasts," she said quietly to Bucky.

He snorted. "Doubt it."

"We'll see," Steve said. They were on their last capture of this mission. It was going okay. Clint had disabled all the cars, boats, and the helicopter. The people were holed up inside. Clint blew up the house, exposing the metal lined safe room. That helped. They could get them out of there. Natasha used the simple things. She captured a nest of swamp rats and put them into the ventilation shaft. No response but they could hear them shooting them. A snake got the same thing. Clint pulled something out of a bag, he had captured it on the way in, and dropped it into the ventilation shaft. The tiny demon had been summoned by them and could now turn on its masters. They screamed and fled the thing. That worked. They arrested them and headed off to handle getting them to the proper authorities.

Then they'd go back to straighten out Alex.

***

Alex squealed when his father came off the elevator, running over to pounce him. He got under his t-shirt. "Boobs."

Bucky spanked him once. "No, not boobs." Alex pouted at him, looking miserable. "You don't need to talk about breasts, son. You'll have manners at least as good as mine, hopefully better and like Steve's." He stared at him. "Good boys don't talk about boobs."

Natasha took him. Alex sniffled and put his head down. "Mommy mine?" She nodded. "My boobs."

"No, they did not feed you so they did not belong to you. You do not have any boobs that are yours, son." She put him down. "Go play." He pouted and whined. She pointed. "We'll be right there after we go to the bathroom." She walked off. He followed her.

"Son, you don't need to help her go to the bathroom," Bucky complained.

"Unless you're going to be doing the potty training and taking him everywhere so he can use the guy's bathroom, yes he would," Darcy said, looking over from typing on her laptop. "She can't follow him into the little boy's room to help him pee. He'll be going with her into the women's bathroom." Bucky stared. She shrugged but smiled. "I have friends who have kids about his age. Until they're safe to go on their own, they go with a parent."

He walked off shaking his head. "We'll see what we can do to straighten that out." He came back. "Do they make the boys sit down?"

"Sometimes. One's teaching her son to pee by putting a few cheerios as targets in his potty chair for him to aim at. So far he's missed every single time because he didn't realize he has to pick up his penis to aim. She taught him not to touch his." He walked off shaking his head. "You can teach him to stand up but you've got to teach him how to aim himself first."

"I'll work on that later," he complained.

Steve came off the elevator with Stark. "Hi," Steve said. "Steve Rogers."

She stood up to shake his hand. "Darcy Lewis, Jane Foster's assistant." She smiled. "She and Thor are out looking at stuff since the lab's still not fully spell cleaned."

"Spell..." Steve looked at Stark.

"That's why I'm in the auxiliary lab. Apparently some nice witch was helping against the demons and humans trying to get the kid so she gave them all enlarged breasts to have to fight against."

"Which was when Alex got onto the boobs kick," Darcy said with a grin. "He nicely warned Stark before he got some."

"Have we found that witch?" Steve asked. "To see which side she's on?"

"It's Willow," Darcy said. Steve winced. "I watched the show and made Jane binge it one weekend when we were having frustration drinking. Wilhelmina's boss is looking for her."

"The spell cleaning will take another four days," Stark said. "If Wilhelmina was doing it on her own it'd be two weeks. Even if the necromancer down there is creepy."

"She let him sort through Xander's pile of demon parts to properly store them," Darcy quipped with a grin. "Including notes on how to use them properly."

"I think his mom wanted him to go into medicine."

"He probably already has some skills in that area," Darcy said. "It'd come in handy in the field."

"It does," Steve agreed. Natasha came out carrying the fussy kid. He took him from her. "What's wrong? You usually like Mom holding you."

"He was mad I wouldn't let him help me while I changed my protection method," she said. Darcy snickered, grinning at her. "I know, he's a boy and they're confused about such things." Darcy pointed. Alex had a tampon and he was showing it to his uncle and asking if he needed one. Natasha took it from him and tossed it out. "Boys don't need those, Alex."

He looked at her, then nodded. "'Low."

"If she makes you need one, I'll torture her for you," she said. The baby squealed and hugged her. "Thank you." She took him back, heading for the kitchen. "Want lunch?" He cooed and petted her hair. "Thank you. You treat me very nicely even if you do think I'm a kitten."

He grinned at her, growling. "Puppy."

"Ah, I'm a puppy. That's a good thing to be. Very protective and dangerous." She put him into his high chair and made them both sandwiches. He nibbled on his and hummed while he ate. The guys had to talk about Willow without him hearing. It might make him upset with how they'd have to end her plots.

***

Bucky woke up to something poking his hip. He sat up, looking at his son. "What are you doing?" he demanded quietly. The baby grinned and patted him then tried to poke him with the unwrapped tampon again. "I don't think I need that and neither do you." He took it and tossed it out, then got up to grab the baby and put him back into his bed. "Go to sleep, Alex. You've got another long day of driving me nuts tomorrow." He went back to bed. He was starting to fall asleep when he heard Bruce complain about stepping on wet tampons in the hallway. He got up to look then at him. "Alex had one he was trying to insert for me."

"Looks like he dropped this one in the toilet," he said, looking at the one he had stepped on.

"They were on the back of my toilet," Natasha complained. "Which means I need to get more." She glared at Bucky.

"It's not my fault."

"He's your son."

"Why is he suddenly my son? You're the one that had him in the bathroom with you." She glared. "I don't care if you do try to kill me. You did that one to yourself."

"Enough," Steve said, coming out of his room. He picked up the offending thing and tossed it out. Then he walked off. "Alex, back in bed." Alex ran from him. "Alex," he warned quietly. "Here now please." He pointed. The baby pouted. "Now." Alex ran again. He caught him and put him back into his bed, settling in to talk to him about those things. They didn't need this level of stress relief.

Thor came in with Wilhelmina. She stared at him. "What are you thinking? C'mon, do the baby ESP stuff or babble so Thor can understand it." The baby pouted and said a lot of stuff.

Thor cleared his throat. "From his experience, right after you get turned into a female by that witch, you tend to end up bleeding uncomfortably. He did both times she did it to him so he's trying to make the transition easier." Alex nodded, grinning at him. "Also he thinks that she'll get us."

"I'd kill her if I woke up a girl," Steve said, looking at the baby. "I really would."

"No."

"Yes I would. Even if she's important and stuff, I would. So would your dad. We don't play with witches that way." Alex pouted. "Sorry, but she'd be missing very shortly." He patted him on the leg. "Now, rest. Let us go back to sleep. He got up and tucked him in then left him in Wilhelmina's hands. He looked at the others that had listened.

"It'd be a race to see who killed her," Clint said. "I'd try, Stark'd try, Barnes would try."

"I would smite her," Thor agreed. "I do not want to see what sort of woman I'd be." He walked off, going back to bed. The baby had such charming memories. It was nearly as bad as things Loki had done as pranks when they were youths. He'd have to talk to him about being on the side of the light, even though the baby had been trying to ease the problems for them.

Steve looked at Clint. "I can throw my shield faster than your arrows."

"Not likely and I have other weapons." He grinned. "It's Stark we'd have to worry about because he'd be playing with his new tits." He walked off.

"I would not," Stark complained. "I'd be staring in horror at them. I never wanted breasts, thank you." He went to get a drink and go back to bed. Maybe the scotch would keep that nightmare from him.

Steve and Bucky shared a look then went to their rooms. That was a horrifying prospect, them as women. It would definitely hurt their physical fighting abilities. Which made it an evil but easy way to stop a physical fight. Can't really throw a good punch when you look like you belong in Hustler.

Though he did check to make sure he didn't already need to figure out how to work around it.

***

It took a few days for the magic to hit the proverbial fan at the Tower. Alex was out in the park with the nanny and Bucky, who was protecting him from the idiots who tried to capture him the day before. Stark woke up from a nap on top of one of his creations to find a redheaded woman staring at him. "Who're you?" he demanded.

"You're not really related to him. You know that, right?" she demanded.

"Who?"

"Xander."

"He's Alex now, and I know I'm a phantom uncle." He stared at her. "You must be the witch that did the spell that needed six people to end."

"It kept them off Xander and that's all that matters. Including you and all this." She flicked a hand and then disappeared once her spell started.

"JARVIS," Tony said. "Oh, ow, shit!"

"Thor is coming, sir." Thor stomped in and pulled Tony out of there. "We do not know what she cast on him, Lord Thor."

"I can tell easily enough," he said. He tested Stark and nodded. "We need to sedate him and get the nanny back here. Magic is not my forte." Thor was heaving Tony up to take him to the infirmary, where Bruce was. "He was magicked by someone. He needs sedated. He's changing and it will be painful."

A young brunette woman appeared, popping the bubble of her gum. She nodded. "Willow's going to be a dead bitch for this." Thor stared at her. She smiled. "I'm the sprout's guardian angel."

"Can you undo it?" Bruce asked.

She tested it then shook her head. "No, she's in full-blown Goddess mode again. I can get her coven to start work on it. Might not help that much." She looked around. "Where's the kid?"

"Park," Bruce said.

"Good. Willow did weird things to his mind so he *has* to defend her. We're not sure if it's conditioning where they grew up together or if she's spelled him somehow with a loyalty spell. I know he's going to enjoy his new large dog." She pointed at Stark. Then she sighed and looked up. "Let me talk to the kid and Wilhelmina. Maybe we can undo it without finding a huge coven. Or making a hellmouth for them to poke into." She disappeared, landing up the park and strolling over. Bucky stiffened, staring at her. "Chill, Daddy. I'm his GA." She looked at Wilhelmina, switching languages. "He's getting a new dog friend thanks to the brat."

Wilhelmina stared at her. "Really?" Faith nodded. "Who?"

"Stark."

"Fuck. That thing on his chest has to work." Faith shrugged. "I'll...."

"Let me see if I can fix it."

"Let *me* see if some of his ex's can fix it, Faith. I hate using the SOS network though." She found her phone and dialed a number. "Willow Rosenburg has been on this realm yet again and has changed someone important. It's critical to their safety." She hung up. Two mages appeared, staring at her. She pointed at Faith. Who told them what had happened in Latin while Bucky distracted the kid. They went to the Tower to fix this problem before it set too long. More mages appeared there, most of Xander's former guard unit. Wilhelmina brought him back to help them. Most of them cuddled him and one scowled but Xander cooed and kissed him then tried to check him for boobs. He swatted the kid's hands but worked to end the spell.

One of them finally looked up at those watching them. "She put her back into it. Probably both hellmouths as well."

Wilhelmina looked up. "Got any ideas?" she called.

"Yes," a female voice called. She appeared, wearing a cloak. She looked up at Faith and smiled then at Wilhelmina. She hugged Alex, making him coo but fall asleep. "He needs to be out of here. She made him a natural sponge for her powers," she said quietly. "He'll keep sucking it up until he explodes. Like the last two times." Faith nodded, handing the baby off to Natasha and Clint. She moved into the circle, finding things. "She used all the hellmouths." The mages groaned. "Thankfully there's ways around that." She pulled things out of her cloak pockets, holding them up. The mages took the energy holding stones from her. "And I'm here so I can help."

"We'd need something powerful, Dawn," one said.

She stared at him. Then she smiled. "You'd be shocked but I don't want to do magic. Why do I want to turn into Willow?" She held out her hands. "I'm an anchoring sort."

They nodded, shifting positions and included her. They drained the battery stones. Tony slowly shifted back, groaning the whole time. He mostly made it. Two things still had hair. Dawn moved forward and put her hands on the furry stomach and ankle, being handed one of the stones. They sucked the spell into it instead of trying to finish ending it. That let them cut the base levels of the spell and Tony was fully human. Bruce immediately checked his heart.

One of them stared at Dawn. "You need lessons."

"I'll never be Willow, Gregory, and it's dangerous if I try." She smiled slightly. "Think of me more like a fantastically complicated backup system. That sometimes has headaches from all this thanks to the same source."

"Is she gone?" Faith asked.

"She'd better be when I get there," Dawn said, staring at her. "It's good you got a cool job. Did you see our mom?"

"Twice. She cooed Xander was adorable when I got my assignment stuff. She also said your sister needs to wear pants." Dawn giggled and left, taking the battery stones with her. Tony regrew a tiny bit of belly fur but the mages could end that redoing. "A tiny bit of bleeding back happens with Willow's spells," Faith told the staring people. "It's how she substitutes and doesn't have a clue what she's doing." She looked at the mages.

"We offered to teach her," one said. "We would've enforced rules and things on her. She refused because of an upcoming battle she had to prepare for and never showed up afterward."

Faith nodded. "I remember." She shrugged. "Okay, the sprout should be fine." They went to check on Alex. She looked at Bruce. "Can I pass on any messages for you?"

"If she comes back to this realm ever again, she will die in the most horrible manner I or the people upstairs can imagine," Bruce said. "Considering I turn into a giant green rage monster, she won't enjoy it."

Faith giggled. "You're good, Dr. Banner, but there's demon slimes that will torture her for *months* before she dies as it slowly eats her organs." She grinned. "I've wanted to introduce her to them more than once, even after I went straight." She waved. "Let me hike my pretty ass off to tell the others."

"Thank you," Wilhelmina said. They shook hands. "We hope there's not a third call."

"Only HYDRA and those sorts who want what he represents instead of who he was. Oh, a poker debt's dying soon. He's terminal." She disappeared. The mages left after warding Alex and suppressing his magic until he was a teenager when Natasha asked politely. The one healer did his thing as well. It was good. They could handle this.

Wilhelmina looked at Bruce, who shook his head. "Willow's never had sense. She always thought she was the genius and female so correct." She walked off to talk to the baby. He was sad but his mother was soothing it. She looked at him. "Willow will have to answer for her deeds, just like every other mortal, Alex," she said quietly. "The same as you did before they yanked you here." He nodded and waved a hand. "Let me get you some juice." She got Natasha some in a sippy cup then went to do the kid's laundry and clean his room. Order helped when faced with a rogue chaos witch.

Bucky looked at Steve as he came off the elevator. "I wonder where they rank on the Loki scale of power."

"You'd have to ask Thor."

Thor came out tying back his hair. "They're all very strong and could be considered high mages in their fields. Stronger than Loki's illusions. They're the sort that have the power to change reality. Each." Bucky shuddered. "Them liking Alex is because he reads as a source of chaos energy. He is imbued with it and he naturally causes it by being in the right place to handle things that no one expects to be ended, especially not by a pure human. Or mostly pure human."

"Who was the girl?" Steve asked.

"Dawn," Natasha said quietly.

"I read about her."

"Did it include her being a being of immense powers?" Thor asked. They nodded. "Then it's wise she made a choice so she could not be used against her will. Her strength would be honored on Asgard by having a constant guardian to help her protect herself."

"There was an artifact involved," Steve said.

"I noticed." He smiled. "It was fairly evident while she was working. She glows with it." He smirked. "My brother would have been horrified on many levels about that." He looked at the baby. "He'll be fine and eventually his memories should be like the dreams of a child."

"We hope so," Natasha said. "That way he grows up less injured and pained."

"It would be good for him," Thor said. "But he'll still be a part-time warrior. The hammer would not go to one who was not destined to be a great one."

She looked back at him. "We'd like him to find a career that is safer and more sane."

Thor nodded. "There's many things but he'll still probably step into things. A true warrior never fully retires. Even if they do other things all day." She nodded at that wisdom. "He'll be fine as he grows into this new self." He patted the baby on the head. "At least we will no longer have to worry about breast enlargement spells." He went to the kitchen. Darcy handed him a plate. "Thank you, Lady Darcy."

"Welcome, Thor. Go relax. Jane's sciencing hard today." He nodded, going to do that. She came out and got a few things from the cabinet in the living room. "JARVIS said you hadn't started to work on a baby book yet, Natasha, so I put the pictures into one and you can put in scrapbooking stuff later if you want." She let her see them. "I think I got them in the right order. JARVIS printed them for me."

Natasha slowly flipped through it, smiling at the pictures. Some were silly, like him peeing on people. Or weapons. Some were sweet, like him sleeping after two days of refusing to nap. Bucky laughed at one. She patted Darcy on the arm. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Baby books are important. That way you can show them when he finally gets a real lover some year far in the future. That way they want to have pretty babies."

"I had not thought about grandchildren," she said, looking at her son. Then at Bucky.

"I'm perfectly fine with not having any grandkids. He's enough."

Natasha laughed. "Perhaps after we've passed on."

I can accept that but I'd still rather he not have any."

"Unless something happens and they decide to bring you guys back the same way," Darcy quipped. They all glared at her. She shrugged and smiled. "Who said they won't? They did it to him."

"Can we stop someone from bringing you back?" Natasha asked.

"I have no idea," Bucky said. "We can ask Wilhelmina." She nodded, sending her a text. She sent back a list of a few satanic rituals that might help but it's because it'd eat your soul. She let him see the list and he sighed. "Pity." He got comfortable again. Steve was frowning but shaking his head. The baby blinked at him and cuddled in again. "At least he's still mostly innocent."

Natasha looked at him. "We'll do what we can to make sure." She looked at the baby. Who grinned up at her and went back to cuddling. "You're still usually a good boy." She sniffed. "Even if you are crapping hard." She sighed and got up but Steve took him to change. "Thank you." She sat back down. Bucky tried to hide his grin. It was nice their friends loved the baby too.

Alex came running out naked and squealing, hiding behind his father's chair. Then he ran around and shoved him until he shifted so he could hide behind him. "You had better have let him clean you first," Bucky ordered. "I don't have a clean t-shirt, kid."

"Please don't let him put crap on the couch again," Stark's voice called from the intercom. "It's a bitch to have cleaned."

Bucky looked at the kid. "You heard your uncle. Let Uncle Steve clean you." The baby pouted and ducked behind him again when Steve came out sighing and changing his shirt. "He pee on you?"

"Yes." He grabbed the kid, holding him up. "That wasn't nice, Alex." Alex grinned and peed all over his father, making Bucky yelp and try to get out of the way.

"You're. Buying. A. New. Couch," Tony said. "Today."

"I will," Bucky complained, heading for his room to take a shower and try to find something cleanish to wear.

"Bum from my closet, Bucky," Steve called, carrying Alex back to his room to change him. "That really wasn't nice. It's mean to do that to your father, Alex." Behind him he could hear Natasha laughing with Darcy.

Sometimes the baby was the most amusing thing in their lives. Others...the most frustrating.

***

Bucky was sulking that night. Steve stared at him until he told him why. "Do you think he does that on purpose?"

"Probably to break the tension since he can't tell jokes." He grinned. "If you were two, you'd be able to get away with it too."

"Yeah, I might've." He looked at his metal arm then at Steve. "He's not scared of me."

"He's not scared of much," Steve said. "Which is a good thing. Could end up being a bit worrying with his past but it's probably a good thing."

Bucky nodded. "That'll help definitely. We'd still like him to do something like becoming a doctor instead of following us."

"Who got him the baby leather outfit?"

"What baby leather outfit?" He looked around. "Barton?" He lifted his head from his book, staring at him. "Someone gave the baby a leather outfit?"

"Yup. Pants and vest. Could be baby biker gear though." He put his head back down. "It showed up in his closet one morning. Wilhelmina was amused."

"Huh." The two friends shared a look and Steve took him to show him. The closet didn't hold anything that Alex was using, except the spare diapers and 'gifts' that were hanging up. He had a baby leather harness set for miniature guns. He had the mentioned black leather outfit. He had a few other things, including a tiny suit. "Did Pepper get him the suit?"

"No. I asked. She said it's adorable and we need him in it for a picture." They shared another look before Bucky removed all the inappropriate gifts and tucked them into a box that would go into the main storage area. His kid did not need to get a taste for leather. Ever. Alex was giggling from his bed but oh well.

***

Alex ran into the living room from the elevator, pouncing Clint with a huge grin. "Pew pew!" He bounced and pointed. "Pew pew!"

"Did someone give you new weapons?" he asked with a smile, finishing his coffee. That was the only thing that made Alex smile that way. "That's great. Let's get stuff and go look." Alex bounded around until he got what he needed and sent Natasha a text message. They went down there together, him following Alex to the weapons room. And the gym next to it. He blinked. "Wow. Was this a major debt or just a big one?"

Wilhelmina came off the elevator, looking at the card on something. "Fourth largest. He didn't have a lot of bigger stuff so he estimated." She handed over the card, looking at Alex. "What else did he send you?" Alex cooed and patted the two footlockers. "It figures." She got into them. "Aww, your other book." She handed it to Clint. "The second edition you guys wanted." She looked at the rest then at him. "We'll put this in your closet so you can wear it when you're old enough. I saw your leather pants." The baby beamed and nodded. "Barnes, help me carry these," she said when she stood up. He groaned. "They were his."

"Does he need them?" he demanded quietly, staring at her. "It might keep things worse."

"It won't matter. The memories won't fully leave. They'll probably be more like a childhood dream world. Beyond that, he'll kill you if you throw out his leather pants Anya bought him. It was the only present she bought him." He huffed but carried it up there. "If you find a double-headed battle axe, it's his. I'll put it up specially on his walls."

"Sure," Clint agreed. He looked at the piles of smaller weapons. "At least he didn't pee on them this time." Natasha patted him on the arm. They dug into the weapons to check them over. "Fuck," Clint shouted, rolling backwards and hopping blindly up onto a stack of weapons boxes. "What the fuck are you?"

Natasha came over to look. "It's a crab."

"With fangs!" he said with a point. It tried to bite him. "See? Crabs don't bite!"

She shot it, and it died. "There, now it's probably a good dinner."

"I'm not eating that," he said, staring at her.

She smiled. "Fine." The crab came back to life and lunged at Natasha, making her move. A tiny being showed up and huffed, taking it with him. "We're sorry, we thought it was a threat, not a pet."

Clint stared at her then got down to look for more of them. The kitten carefully got moved. The being showed up to gather it too. "The kid can have a normal pet," he said quietly. "But nothing that would attack the rest of us." He stared at it, handing over the kitten. "The hellhound bitch that shows up is as weird as we can take."

"I will tell the Master that," it said. "Though he said she's right, it's an excellent meal."

"I don't eat anything I can't name."

"Hmm. Interesting philosophy of life." He took something else. "He's mad so he's reclaiming this."

"Is this not from the one that his guardian angel said was ill?" Natasha asked.

"No, the Master just got tired of being nagged by his wife for owing this debt. He was about to give her to him as well but he'd have no use for a non-breeding female of her age."

"He's not allowed to have children until his parents have passed on," Natasha said. "We'd like him to do something less like our jobs as well." The demon stared at her. "Something that will make him happy."

The being smiled. "That would be enjoyable for all who watch over him, Huntress." He bowed and left. Some books appeared and a tiny harp. Alex came over from playing with the handguns Uncle Tony was sorting through to look at it since it made noise. He touched it and it sang to him, making him giggle and clap. He picked it up to cuddle, making it play a lot more music.

"We can put that in your room so you enjoy music, kiddo," Clint said.

Alex smiled and waved at him then picked up a dagger to chew on. Natasha scowled. "Mine, mama," he said with a grin, holding it up. "Mine."

"It is very much like mine but do not chew on knives, son. It can harm you. Suck on the hilt if you must but not the blade." He turned it around to suck on that end. "Thank you. Don't harm your harp with it either." He quit waving it around. She settled in to help go over the handguns. Before her son got attached to something that was less than useful or decent. He had some lower class taste with guns already. He needed better weapons when he was old enough to use them.

***

Bucky came up after finishing the inventory, shaking his head. "They had good tastes and we can now make a good stand here at the tower." He looked at the kid in question, who was cooing in his sleep at his stuffed eagle friend. He looked at Natasha again. "Stark's set up an armory for him. Still no sign of the axe Wilhelmina mentioned."

"That's fine. Maybe he'll have many others to love over his life." She smiled and petted over the toddler's hair, making him curl up and babble in his sleep. She looked at him. "You look weird or worried?"

"How many more of those are there?"

"That was his fourth biggest debt from what Wilhelmina said. You might ask if she has a list."

"There's ten more debts, two large ones left," she called from the kitchen. "The rest were smaller and the smallest might get him maybe two kittens."

"Bruce is allergic," Tony's voice said from a speaker. "That one can pay the kid in toys or legos or something."

"Sure," she agreed. She came out with her sandwich, smiling at the parents. "The two other big ones are going to be huge. I'm not sure how they'll try to even it out."

Bucky nodded. "Stark's got an armory set up for them."

"He'll adore that. It'll mean he can run in and pet a sword whenever he wants."

"Maybe," he said, looking at the kid. Who wasn't there. He looked around. Natasha pointed. He stepped back to watch the kid wander up the hallway. "Where are you going?" The baby didn't stop waddling up the hallway. "Should we worry?"

"No idea," Wilhelmina said. "Alex, I've got a sandwich. Want to come steal some?" she called. He came out with a grumpy, pouty face and Thor's hammer, going outside to drop it onto someone. The parents followed. Alex came back in and curled up under the couch throw again with his eagle friend. "Okay, love. You rest. It's been a big day." She ate some of her lunch. The parents could handle that.

Natasha looked over the edge. "Whoever it was, was following Darcy. Thor?" she called.

"I heard," he called back, heading for the elevator while doing up his jeans. "He stole it from my bedside." He went down there, staring at the slightly smashed former human then at his lady love's assistant. "Who was it?"

"I have no idea. I didn't realize it was more than someone walking behind me, like half of everyone else in the city is." She frowned at him. "If you didn't...."

"The baby."

Stark came out and held up a tablet with the guy's picture and file. "Wanted for selling pretty girls." Darcy opened her mouth then shook her head and sighed, heading inside with the stuff she had picked up. Stark showed it to the officer that showed up to figure this out. The officer stared at him. "The baby somehow knew," he said quietly. "He stole the hammer and tossed it off the building."

"Ah. How old is this kid?" Stark held up two fingers. The officer groaned and rubbed his face. "I've had a kid that old. They're not usually this weird."

"No clue," Stark admitted. Thor removed his hammer. Then Tony got to disarm the thing that started to whine. "That's a good reason though."

The officer nodded, calling that in. "Thanks, Mr. Stark."

"Welcome. We'll try to keep the hammer away from the baby."

"Please. Same mini Avenger we've seen in the park?" Stark nodded. "He's adorable."

"He needs a new hobby because he already likes weapons," Stark said dryly. "He's been cooing at his mom's leg holster all morning." He walked inside with Thor, who was still shirtless and amused. "So," he said.

"I shall find a place where he cannot grab it to store her," Thor said.

"Thanks, big guy." He patted him on the arm, getting off on the living floor to show Natasha who her son had smote. "We explained that he's a toddler."

"Yes, he is," she said, handing the tablet back. Bucky leaned over to snatch it then groaned and handed it back.

"The guy had a bomb too," Stark said. Both parents huffed in irritation. "Thor's going to put his special hammer up where the kid can't reach it."

"Thank you," Natasha said. "Though I'm worried next time he'll just use a sword."

"Possibly," Stark admitted. "I'll make sure JARVIS knows not to let him take weapons from his armory without warning." He walked off to make sure of that. The kid was adorable but really too weird for even Stark to get used to.

Natasha looked at her son. "Next time, tell us and we'll handle it. You do not need to handle such matters until you're fully grown, son."

Steve came off the elevator, smiling at them. "What's up, guys? New cute kid stuff?"

"He just stole Thor's hammer to drop on someone who had a bomb outside," Natasha said.

Steve stared at her then at the kid. "Sure, we can figure out how to avoid that problem."

"I know full agents who don't have the handling skills he has," Bucky said. Natasha nodded she did too.

Clint came off the elevator with his bow. "It was a good hammer toss, guys."

"It was," Natasha agreed. "It hit the right person." She patted over the sleeping baby's head, making him grab her hand to suck on. "Yes, you can cut another tooth on me," she promised, staring at him. He ended up hugging it, letting her hand rest against his stomach while he napped. He was charming in his own way and that little hint of suppressed maternal instinct wanted to coo at him. Of course, she couldn't so that was fine and he understood that. James had the same mushy look. Clint took a picture for the baby book so that was easier than dredging up lost and suppressed emotions.

Darcy came off the elevator without her bags, smiling at them. "Thanks for the save from the probable pervert, guys." She punched Clint on the arm, making him smirk at her. She grinned back. "I saw a little girl's toy bow with your picture on it. It was lilac and it was a good picture." He sighed, shaking his head. She patted him on the arm. "The girls were nearly inhaling to get it from the shelves. They had it behind locks. Natasha's costume for Halloween was just as wanted and just as behind locks. Including a red wig and pink guns. Noted on the package as 'cannot be mistaken for real ones by accident'," she told her.

"That makes sense but they should make them in a color other than pink."

"The wig's a bit strawberry blonde for your shade anyway," she said.

"That's sweet I suppose. Any other good news?"

"Stark's costume is sold out. All but the gloves that were optional. I guess you can't hold candy bags in them very easily." They all nodded. "Steve's is all but sold out, it had three left, all in tiny kid sizes instead of bigger kids sizes. There was a grabbing match between a pair of brothers over who got the costume. They were each pulling on the shield until the mother reminded them that neither of them were acting like the good Captain and he'd be ashamed of their selfish behavior. They promptly piped down and apologized to her and each other, and the lady they bumped into who didn't have kids so she looked disgusted."

Bucky smiled but shook his head. "It's good they're learning manners. At least I don't have a costume."

"Yup, sure do," Darcy quipped with a grin. He glared at her. "Fake leather vest with attached plastic supposed-to-be-metal arm." She pulled it up to show him. He huffed. "No wig included at least."

"Yay. Can we stop those?"

"No."

"Doesn't Banner have one?" Clint asked.

"Green face paint and purple pants?" Darcy guessed. "Not really." He huffed. She grinned at him. "Your official costume is a pull-over that's made to look like your uniform and a plastic bow without arrows."

"That figures. No one wants a kid to get hurt."

"And of course there's that group on tv that's complaining about them because they have weapons."

Everyone just nodded at that. "But other news is better?" Bucky asked.

"Slightly. They finally ended the illegal panties that featured you guys."

"Adult?" Bucky asked. She pointed at the baby. "Seriously?"

"Yup." She grinned. "Little underroos."

Bucky looked at Natasha. "It is not my doing and I about went to shoot them for it," she said. "Bruce put up the complaint about how boys could be warped by little Hulks on their tiny penises. Then how it was illegal since they hadn't licensed their images."

Bucky slumped, shaking his head. "Why?"

"At least I was never on them," Clint quipped.

"Stripper outfits," Darcy shot back.

"Yeah, I saw. She was real happy to show me how the outfit worked and the little arrows that took the cups off and all that. She was pretty too, even a nice boob job." He walked off.

"I'm thankful I'm not being looked at in that way," Natasha said. Darcy pointed at Bucky then walked off when he growled. She looked at him. "The arm you think?"

"Probably that and the leather," Wilhelmina quipped, coming out from doing kid laundry. "The one I know doing it, who is a lower level succuba using it to eat cheating spouses, does the full leather outfit. The arm's a painted glove." She looked at the baby. "Here, let's take you to change you," she said quietly, rubbing a hand down his back so he'd let go of his mother so she could pick him up. He snorfled against her shoulder. "Just time for a change, Alex," she cooed in his ear. "Then you can have Mommy back." He curled up on her shoulder and crapped for her too. "Thank you, very helpful, Precious." She carried him off to change.

Natasha checked her wrist, only some drool she easily wiped off. "At least we learned something new."

"Yeah, I'm being used as stripper tip bait," Bucky said. She smiled. Alex came wandering out pouting and crawled up next to his mom again, taking her arm back to cuddle. "He feeling okay?"

"Not sure," she admitted, checking for a fever. He captured that hand to suck on. "That's fine, Alex. Are you sick?" He pouted so she pulled him up to cuddle. That made him a happier boy, even if he did still capture one of her hands. "Yes, you may cuddle," she promised. "I'm not doing anything right now." The baby fell asleep that way, still pouting. "He does have his moments of adorableness."

Bucky nodded. "He does. We made a cute, smart little guy." He grinned at her. "At least he's not asking for a sibling."

"That is a good thing, yes." Alex flinched awake but she cuddled him, humming a bit. He fell back asleep until the alarm went off. "JARVIS?" she asked, standing up to take him to the safe room.

"I'm afraid a few supposed agents have tried to breach the front entry, Agent Romanoff."

"Grand," Bucky said, finding his hidden guns. They had mined each room of the tower they tended to be in for more than a few seconds. The ones in the infirmary amused everyone when they found them but it was good. The idiots didn't make it up the elevator but they were nicely captured and hauled off before the baby became aware of them. Bucky looked down at him when he went to set him free. Alex had slept through everything. He didn't even pee on him this time. He came out to see Fury coming off the elevator, settling down with the kid between him and Natasha. Alex nicely curled up against his side this time instead of clinging to Mom.

Fury stared at him then at her. "They wanted the kid to get control of you."

"HYDRA wanted the kid to get control of both of us," Bucky said dryly. "What else is new?"

"Any idea how long this plot will last?" Natasha asked.

"I don't think it will ever fully end. Too much to gain from getting either of you into their custody."

"And then the kid dropped Thor's shiny hammer onto a few of them," Bucky shot back.

"The kid did what?" Fury demanded. He looked at Stark, who was coming off the elevator. "Thor's hammer let the kid pick it up?"

"JARVIS, show that beautiful kid footage," Stark quipped, flopping into a chair. Fury watched, mouth slightly open, then burst out laughing. "I don't think it'll keep happening."

"We all hope not," Natasha agreed. "We do have security here around him."

"Plus his weapons," Bucky added. Steve came off the elevator. "Which one did they want this time?"

"Stark. They were going to ransom him for some weapons." He sat down. "They thought Alex was his. One of them said the kid had to belong to the 'manslut'."

"Huh, their intel is way out of date. I haven't been that bad since my twenties, and a few people thought I charged heiresses back then to break them in." Stark sipped the coffee in his cup.

Bucky grimaced. "Stark, is that fuzzy?"

"No!"

Darcy came out of the living area hallway and took the cup from him, going to dump it and get him coffee in a clean one. She handed it over. "Did you need the antibiotics for something?" She looked at the baby, who was grunting and shifting against his father. "Hey, little guy." He blinked at her and grinned. "Hi. Come help me make the silly Auntie some lunch? Auntie Jane hasn't eaten since the sun came up and pretty soon she's going to get grumpy with the science and it'll make her mean. We need to prevent her from being mean to the science." She picked him up. "C'mon, we'll make her food. We might even make Thor poptarts. He really likes them," she said as she walked him off.

"She's good," Fury said, staring at her back then at Natasha.

"That's Darcy, Jane Foster's assistant who apparently never gets paid," Stark said. "We've got to correct that." He sipped the coffee and nodded. "You make good coffee, Lewis."

"Thank you, Stark." The baby toddled out with something. "You need to eat too. Before we have to drop a feeding tube. It's been a whole day and science is going to get mad at you."

"Fine," he said, taking the sandwich from the kid, who grinned at him and ran back to help this new auntie. He took a bite and nodded. "She's really good." He finished the sandwich and coffee because he was hungry. And yeah, science was coming easier again now that he had recharged. He went back to the lab to tinker with something to take out HYDRA idiots who wanted the baby. Before he suggested a HYDRA vs Willow grudge match over the kid's future.

Natasha blinked, looking at Bucky, who shrugged. Then at Steve. "She's real good," Steve said with a smile. "We need to let her nag Stark all the time."

"The son does like to fuss," Natasha said. "Perhaps that will make him becoming a doctor of some sort easier."

Fury stared at her. "Why is he going to become a doctor?"

"Because I do not want him in my armor," she said bluntly, staring at him.

He nodded slowly. "I think most parents would feel the same way." He shrugged. "If so, SHIELD does have a college fund you can set up for him." She smirked. "Or just sell some of those weapons we heard he got."

"He has his own armory," Bucky quipped. "It's very diverse."

"Swords, artillery, demon parts," Steve agreed. "Did we finally sort those out?"

"The necromancer that helped end the breast addition spell on Stark's lab did," Natasha said.

"Breast addition... what?" Fury demanded.

"One of his former cohorts put up a spell to suddenly give anyone who was going to bother the son breasts," Bucky said, looking amused. "Because it'd throw off your fighting."

Fury just nodded then stomped off shaking his head. The kid was weird. Probably too weird for SHIELD. He walked past Coulson handling the problem. "Spells?"

"From Alex's former life, sir." He looked at him. "She was correct in the assumption that a sudden pair of breasts added to one's chest would throw off one's aim, one's fighting style, and probably freak them out enough to make them quit fighting but someone dealt with her over that." Fury stared at him. He shrugged. "Now he's in this life instead."

"Good!" He walked off rubbing his forehead. His poor agent, having a kid like that. Maybe some day she'd want a normal one to counteract the insanity. He'd probably like that kid as an agent instead of this one that was much too weird, even on the Avengers scale.

Coulson smiled slightly at Clint, who grinned back. "I love the little peeing monster. He's a great kid and he likes to help me read stuff. He even lets Bruce read him science stuff."

"He does seem to soak up whatever you want to read to him," Coulson agreed. They went upstairs once the clean up was done, going to settle in and read to the baby. It'd only help him be smarter and more diverse than his father was, and probably as smart as his mother was.

***

Clint was woken up by the sound of the baby screaming so he hopped up and went to check. No baby to have screamed. "JARVIS?" he called. No answer. "Shit!" He ran for Natasha's room. She was sleeping and didn't wake up. So something had happened. He nudged her. No answer. He called Steve, who was at home. "It's me. The baby's missing, Natasha won't wake up even when nudged or when I'm talking since I'm standing next to her, JARVIS isn't answering. Yeah, could use the backup. Right now. Let me check the others." He hung up, going to Thor's room, it was the next up the hall. He knocked. No answer. He picked the lock and walked in. Jane almost woke up. Thor was snoring hard. He nudged him, getting a glare. "The baby's missing and someone did something to Natasha." Thor hopped up and grabbed for clothes while Clint went to find the others.

Thor came out pulling on his vest. "JARVIS is not answering."

"I know. Nat won't wake up. I called Steve. Check the labs?" Thor nodded. Clint managed to get into Bucky's room easily so he wasn't there. Wilhelmina was still asleep but bleeding on the side. That got bandaged for her while he called that in to their infirmary. No answer down there either. Darcy was missing. Stark wasn't in his room, or Pepper. Steve came off the elevator with Bucky, who looked like he had been drinking. "No idea on anyone but me and Thor. Wilhelmina's side looks like a mild stab wound."

"I called the SHIELD call-in officer. They have no idea."

"SHIELD's trying to get rid of the silent HYDRA plague," Clint said. "Darcy's missing."

"She's been seen with the baby," Bucky said. "Stark?"

"No clue. Thor went to do the labs. Stark's not in his room."

Thor came up the stairs, shaking his head. "He will not wake and the robots down there are not responding at all either." He looked around. "We will have to find him before they harm him."

"Oh, we will," Bucky assured him. He looked at Steve. "Get us some intel and then we'll raid."

"I can do that. Let me get SHIELD medical here."

"Let me call Hill. I know she's not HYDRA," Clint said. "They'd never take her because of the bitch she is." He called her. "I know what time it is," he said at her growl. "The kid's missing, Darcy Lewis is missing, Wilhelmina got stabbed. JARVIS and the computers are unresponsive, and the rest of us won't wake up outside me, Cap, Bucky, and Thor." He listened. "Could use a med team. Ours isn't up either." He hung up. "She said let her get us intel from the regional airports and the like." The guys nodded.

Clint tried the computer terminal that was in the living room. The one Steve could get to only went to google. Nowhere else. Clint got onto google and typed in 'where is Alex Romanov'. No responses. He changed it to Alex Barnes. That got two livejournal pages. "Guys, someone spotted the baby being carried off and said they reported it to the local police and on their livejournal page hoping that something like JARVIS would pick it up." They came to look at it. Steve called Hill to add that information. Clint looked at them. "We can call in an Amber alert. That'll get all law enforcement onto it but might piss off whoever has him. Or they could be overconfident and sneer about it."

"It's a risk but I'd rather have an all points out so we hear if someone spots him." Steve looked at Bucky.

"I can do that." He walked off calling 911. "This is Bucky Barnes at Avengers tower. My son has been kidnaped and our tower was gas bombed or something. We need to send out an alert that the kid is missing please." She got that started and promised officers were responding. "Quietly. The more spectacle it becomes the worse it'll be if they're mad about it. Thank you." He hung up and looked at Steve, who nodded and went down to talk to them and Hill when she stomped in with two agents she trusted. Bucky and Thor went to check everyone again. The medical team got there and came in to get them down to their infirmary. Including Bruce when they found him tucked into a corner of a lab as a sleeping Hulk.

"He must have changed to protect himself," Thor said.

"Probably," the team agreed, having his help lifting him. Hulk grunted and tried to blink at them. "Calm down please, Dr. Banner. I'm with SHIELD, Thor is right here with us, and you're going to the infirmary."

Thor patted him on the shoulder, getting his attention. "Someone gassed everyone to get the baby. You changed to protect yourself. We will let you rest so you can aid us in getting the baby back." Hulk passed back out but was growling. He followed to help by grabbing Stark from among his mess of work.

Steve finished the forms, looking at Hill. "We can't get into the security cameras or anything internally. We can get to google and that's it."

"We got ones from around the tower." She let him and the officer see it. "No idea who that is."

Steve stared and pointed. "He's on my former tactical team." She nodded, calling that in to Fury. "So it's HYDRA." She nodded. He looked at the officer. "Just spot them and tell us. It's too dangerous and they won't be bothered by shooting officers or agents."

"I get that, Captain, and I've already noted that on the forms so they know to call you and us. We need another contact number in case." He wrote down his, Bucky's, and Hill put hers down. The officer nodded, taking the forms back to the office to have it called in immediately. They doubted they had kept the same car past a few blocks. They were too well trained to do that. Amber alerts worked best when people were stupid enough to keep the same car and be visible. These ones, they were too trained and knew the system to abuse it. But they'd do what they could. No one wanted the baby Avenger to be hurt.

***

Natasha woke up when the phone beside her beeped. She blindly reached for it but a bigger hand grabbed it first. She blinked, staring at Clint, who was walking off talking to whoever. "What happened?" She clearly wasn't in her bedroom. It was the infirmary. She looked around. Stark, Jane. Bruce was calming down from the Hulk. "Did we have a battle?" She sat up, pushing her hair back.

Clint hung up and came back. He stared at her from the foot of the bed, hands braced around her hips. "Stay calm," he said quietly, staring into her eyes. "We were all hit with something last night that knocked you all out. You're the first up. It's been five hours." She nodded slowly. "They took Darcy and Alex. They stabbed Wilhelmina on the side." She glared, trying to move. He put a hand on her leg. "It's HYDRA. Steve's already off hunting them with Bucky and a friend from DC. One of the kidnapers was on his former tactical team." She growled.

"He's been captured by Hill. Who that was." He let her go, stepping back. "We have no idea what they're doing, Nat, but we're getting the little guy back. They got to JARVIS out in Malibu's facility. They had someone infiltrate as a janitor or something and he stuck a virus into the system so they could do this. It negated all but the independent bots, which is basically one of the Stark's lab bots and the diaper changing one. I heard him scream but by the time I got up, he was gone, had been for ten minutes at least."

"He projected?" she asked.

"Or someone yelled to wake me up," he agreed. "No clue on why or how. I don't really care why or how."

"I need to call contacts." He handed over her phone. "I will go talk to that agent as well."

"Please do. Barnes is going to first." She smirked a tiny bit, getting up to go to the bathroom then making the necessary calls. Clint checked the others then followed when she walked out the infirmary door to go change clothes. "Your uniform's in mine," he said. "I had a window cracked so I didn't get hit as hard." She nodded, going into his room to change. She came out putting in her guns and pulling back her hair. "SHIELD or somewhere else, Nat?"

"SHIELD for the moment," she ordered. He nodded, taking the keys to the team SUV to drive them. She got out once they were there, stomping inside. Everyone got out of her way. Clint had his bow and quiver. He was wearing his sunglasses. Natasha looked cold and unemotional. It was going to be evil in a few minutes. She got off the elevator first and walked toward Hill. "Has he spoken?"

"Not one word beyond saying HYDRA would reward him." She stared at her. "We've got it narrowed down to where they're not."

"Why take Lewis?" she asked.

"Pure conjecture but they can't Red Room him like they did you any longer. All that's shut down so they'd need a caretaker and then she'd be a lever for his continued use."

Natasha nodded. "That does make sense. They got me when I was four, out of diapers and toilet trained. An infant his age isn't." Hill nodded, looking grim. "Let me talk to him."

"Please do." She led them to the interrogation room. Natasha walked in. Bucky looked back at her and let the guy's broken arm go. Hill got out of the way. She did not want to see this. Hawkeye was guarding the door for the pissed off parents. No other agents were going up that hallway. Hill was amused they were changing floors to use the bathroom since the one for that area was just past the interrogation rooms. She got a call from security about a few agents that had come up the hallway from the other direction but Barton had stopped them. She went to check, looking at him. "They were going to try to free him?"

"Yup," he said, looking at his mess then at her. "Pity." He opened the door. "Guys, he had a rescue team I've only minimally hurt if it'll help. Including his wife." Natasha and Bucky came out to get them to make them talk. Clint closed the door after them. He nodded at an agent who was hurrying up the hall and ran into the bathroom. She had been bleeding from the hand so it was a bit of an emergency. They figured she wasn't with the strike team.

***

Natasha walked out of the interrogation room an hour later, wiping some blood off her hands. "We have a country. He's in Estonia."

Hill called that in with a nod. "Captain Rogers and Falcon will meet you on the landing pad," she reported. "Good luck, Natasha," she said quietly.

"I do not need luck. I need bullets."

"Stop by the armory. Get more," she ordered. They walked that way to do that. Clint followed to get extra arrows and bullets. Plus some for Steve and his buddy from DC. They met Steve up on the launch pad, Bucky handing over spare clips for Steve and Clint getting the other guy's reloads. Hill did something she didn't normally do, she prayed. Because that kid was doomed if they didn't get him fast enough.

***

Clint saw Steve and Bucky's look at the snow-covered area they were landing in. He nudged Bucky and grinned. "We'll take the kid out to make snowmen for you."

"Thanks. Steve and I have had enough of the cold for the rest of our lives." He put on his goggles and mask. Steve pulled up his cowl. They exited and were almost immediately shot at. That was fine. They were used to worse odds. The odds slowly got better because the further they got into the facility the less people there were. Steve and Bucky shared a look then ran ahead. The guards had to be somewhere doing something bad if they were cleared out this way. They had to stop when a wall of icy air nearly surrounded them but it let them go almost immediately. Steve shivered. "What was that?" Bucky asked.

"I don't know."

Clint caught up to them. "Spirits. That was dead people." They nodded and went on together. Natasha was getting the operations area under their control. They found the lab area. Nothing and no one in the labs. A few people hiding up the hall in the closet but the icy wall of spirits were eating at them. They weren't going to save them. They ran into a figure they knew. "We need him to debrief," Clint said. "So we can make sure Alex is going to be okay." The spirits looked at him then left them alone. "Huh."

"Help!" a female voice called. They ran for her. It was definitely Darcy. She sighed in relief when she saw who was barging in. "They touched him with that spear thingy and suddenly Alex's eyes went icy tan then all hell broke loose and dead people started to show up. Mostly kids they've hurt before." Bucky nodded, helping her up. "They said I had to take care of him or they'd kill me and give him an appropriate nanny. They said if he broke anything they could fix it or amend it." Bucky growled. "He's fine so far. They redressed him before they touched him with the thingy." She pointed at it.

"That's Loki's spear," Clint said, grabbing it. Steve had the baby. Bucky was going to shoot his way out. "Let's grab the survivors and go. We can let someone download any files." He looked at the baby then at Darcy. "You injured?"

"No. They hit me once and I bit him." Clint grinned. "They weren't happy but said I'd impart my spunky American nature into him. That they had uses to turn that into better soldiering."

"Did they give him anything?" Steve asked.

"No idea. I only woke up when he screamed because the thing touched him. He was already redressed and all that. I saw the spirits come flowing out." She shuddered at what one was doing. "You guys get your vengeance, then we get them to ask them what they had been doing to you and him." The spirit flowed over, touching her then Clint and Steve, but nodded at Bucky before fading out. "Okay. Sure, we can take them now," Darcy decided.

"Hill's people will be here in ten minutes," Natasha said, coming down the stairs to take the baby. She looked at his outfit then his father's then back at the baby. "It's clear what they wanted."

"He's the reason the spirits came out to get vengeance," Clint said quietly.

Natasha looked at what he was holding. "Is that why?" Clint nodded. "Then we will figure it out." Coulson showed up with three geeks and an agent she almost knew. "May. Coulson."

He took the baby to cuddle. "You're okay. That's all that matters." He looked at her. "These are Fitz-Simmons, Skye, who is a hacker I recruited, and you've seen Agent May before."

Darcy looked at the geeks. "I woke up when he screamed because they had touched the staff thingy to his chest. Then his eyes changed and the spirits showed up."

"We saw them," Skye said. "Why were they that upset?"

"They were here before," Darcy said dryly. "They didn't survive."

"If we can find their remains and their files, we'll properly give them the respect they deserve," Fitz said. "If not we'll do the best we can." He patted the baby on the back and walked around them. "Lab?"

Clint pointed. "Science lab is that way. They had him in holding back there." They checked there first and then went to the science lab. Coulson came with them. He wasn't letting go of the baby. Clint calmed himself down but he still shot someone trying to harass one of the other SHIELD agents. Two more went down to Natasha and Steve. Bucky got one trying to come up behind them. Clint looked around. "Any of you agreeing with the former people inside, speak up now," he encouraged. A few fled. One attacked. Natasha calmly blew his brains out for him. Clint got the running ones with Bucky. They made it back to the jet and took off. Darcy sat in the corner and shook, calming herself down. Clint sat near her in case she needed help. Coulson finally gave the baby to Natasha and Bucky. The baby fussed but stared at them.

"Dada?" he asked.

"Yup, we rescued you," he promised, taking him to cuddle once his mask and goggles were off. The baby patted the metal arm and smiled, putting his head on his shoulder. Bucky took a deep breath. Natasha took him carefully so Bucky could calm down. "Coulson, any idea why yet?"

"They were going to try to brainwash him from what Fitz-Simmons found out. Give him the same formula they gave you and Natasha. Then raise him to be the next you."

Bucky shook his head. "I'd have killed them all." He looked at the baby, who was staring at his mother. "He good?" he asked quietly.

"I don't think he took any harm from the staff. Clint's eyes stayed icy until I got him out of the control." She tweaked his nose.

Alex batted at her with a scowl. "No, Mama."

"Fine." She smiled. "Are you all right? Any booboos?" He pouted and cuddled her again, looking around. "Uncle Clint's right here and so is Darcy. She's okay." He waved at them, staying cuddly. She saw Steve's worried look at the baby and knew why it was there. "There are not enough of them left to try again," she said quietly, making Steve stare at her. "If there are, we will solve it. He will be safe and that tiny risk because we are his parents is cured by his nanny."

"Wilhelmina woke up and started to lash out," Coulson said. "She nearly killed the infirmary staff and others. People reported feeling the urge to run and hide three blocks from the tower." Natasha smirked a tiny bit. "Then they saw Stark walking outside with something that looked like a remote control and they did run, just in case he was going to bomb the city. The Mayor is still yelling at the Director about the panic this has caused. The Director has assured him it will not happen again.

"Stark has been ordered to build a more secured living quarters for all of you. He has also been ordered to buy new security specialists to up the protections on the tower and JARVIS. That way no one can virus him that way again. Pepper had a small fit about not being able to build a compound on the moon right now, and how that might not even be safe enough at times. She kindly told the Director to finish taking out all the assholes so she didn't have to worry, as that was SHIELD's job, instead of putting it back onto their shoulders.

"He was slightly amused by her. The press that caught that screaming match at the tower, thanks to the Mayor telling them he was going to face down Stark, agreed with Pepper. Stark agreed he could put in even more extreme safety measures then called out the laser system he's been putting in to get rid of the press." He smiled a tiny bit. Clint was laughing.

"Director Fury assured Miss Potts he was doing his best to get all that sort out of her way but she had to take some sensible precautions first. She kindly called up an ex-boyfriend who was a Marine and walked off talking to him about how to protect the baby and the tower. He promised to be up tomorrow to help her. When she hung up she looked back at Stark, told him to 'make it lethal' and then went up to have a drink. Stark smirked at Fury and said he'd put a lot more lethal things on the tower as soon as he left so he could program them to hit any SHIELD agent he didn't like then walked off. The Mayor was complaining about lasers on the outside of the building may make people panic even more."

"We raided plenty of places during the war that had weapons hidden inside statues and gargoyles," Steve said.

"If not, we'll have to protect the kid's armory when we move it," Bucky said dryly. "Some things in it, we don't want to have known about."

"Yes, Stark found the failsafe hidden in something," Coulson said. "He went on a swearing fit about it but then a demon messenger showed up and told him it was to protect the baby. It was that or well trained squid warriors that didn't need water."

"Squids with guns," Clint said, then shook his head quickly.

"I don't want to even know," Steve said. Bucky nodded he agreed.

Natasha considered it. "It may give him something to play with." She looked at Bucky.

"He can have a really protective dog. Steve and I worked with someone who did K-9 stuff during the war."

"That may be amusing." She nodded and looked at Darcy. "Are you better?"

"A tiny bit freaked out but cooing at him in that outfit mentally."

Natasha smiled. "He is adorable. Toddlers do that so you don't do more than yell at them when they drive you batty. They grow out of it as they get used to other punishments."

"I'm just impressed he's not peeing," Clint said. Bucky cracked a smile. The outfit had leather pants with pockets like cargo pants did. The top was a sturdy leather vest with lighter weight kevlar sleeves that felt about as thick as cotton. They snapped at his wrist. The front zipped up and the pants had an elastic waistband with snaps at the ankles. They had him in black socks but no boots. They had slicked down his hair with something. Right now, he just wanted to be cuddled. Clint looked at Coulson. "How would we test for the staff taking him over?" he asked quietly.

"Wilhelmina can probably do that," Darcy said. She uncurled. "If not, could Thor?"

"Maybe," Coulson agreed. "We can tell a few ways. We were studying the scepter before it disappeared. Though we did not know that it disappeared."

"There will be less HYDRA people shortly," Natasha said. "This will make more fall."

"I can only hope so," Coulson said. "We're already down ten percent." Faith appeared, looking at the kid. "Couldn't get there?"

"No. Totally had me blocked by the power. Wilhelmina and any other type of demon too. They learned the hard way about that way back when they formed, back in the twenties." She handed over a folder to him. "Because I don't wanna have to show back up with his weapons to handle it so he's safe. I've got to handle things like Wolfram and Hart's local associates, who are evil, and a few other choice things like major glowy energy things. The boss said some proactive guarding was a good idea this time." She looked at Natasha then at Coulson. "They'll find a little girl. Not related." She disappeared.

"Is that what the file's on?" Clint asked.

Coulson looked in the file, shaking his head. "It's got four pictures." He laid them out.

"Mother humper," Darcy said. They all stared at her. "To quote the guy in charge who thinks I'm useless."

"You're not useless. If you weren't there, Jane would've starved by now," Coulson said. She grinned at him. "Pepper shows that assistants really rule the world. She ruled Stark for years." He took pictures of the file and sent them to Fury and Hill. Then he sent a simple text message about the baby's guardian angel being proactively protective. He stared at one. He had been a trainee with him. They had worked together many times. The other had been someone he had trained to be a handler. Natasha reached over to close the file, making him look at her. "I'm very angry. I need to hurt them."

"Ask. The Director may allow that."

"I may." He leaned back, looking at the baby. Who was staring at his father. "Alex, want to cuddle me?"

He grinned at him. "Dada matchies."

"We do kinda match, yup. I hope we never fully match. I don't want you to have the arm, kiddo." Alex shifted over to him, cuddling his metal arm around him. Bucky relaxed, looking at Natasha. "I recognized one of them. He used to send me on assignments. He was there when they dethawed me."

"Which?"

"The old guy."

"The Security Council member. Interesting," Natasha said. Coulson's phone beeped. It was Hill wondering why he sent that text without any additional information. He sent back that he had, pictures. She growled. So he named them and said he wanted two of them himself. Plus Barnes had recognized one as being in charge, he had given him missions. She sent back a 'got it'. Fury sent a 'do something mean then we'll take over' text.

Back at the land base they were using, Fury and Hill, locked in Fury's office without any other electronics active, were quietly making plans to overthrow people and having a tiny fit. This was not allowed in their SHIELD and they would stop this shit fast. They wouldn't need the help of a single Avenger to do it either.

***

Steve stepped off the landing pad at the tower, nodding at the officers waiting. "We found him."

"Thank goodness, Captain. Is he all right?"

"Mostly," Natasha said, follow out with Bucky. Darcy had the baby and Clint was guarding her. "We'll be doing some medical checks." The officers nodded, getting out of the way. Someone tried to fire on them but Bucky got them before Clint could. Clint got the one rushing their way with a gun. Darcy hurried inside while Steve took out the other ones.

The officers waited, staying out of the way so they didn't look like a threat. "Captain, we'd like to know how to help you handle them so the baby's not endangered again," the leader said quietly once they were done. "Outside of the Mayor's hysteria, we don't want ones like that in our city."

"Or smashed into the pavement by Thor's hammer," another officer quipped with a grin.

Bucky looked at him. "The kid dropped it on him."

"We heard. It's great of him," that officer agreed. His supervising officer stared at him. He shrugged. "We don't want to have to make the baby do it, or you guys. But we do appreciate him being so mean."

"He's been given weapons as a sign of respect," Clint said dryly. "He loves weapons."

"We still want him to be a doctor instead of an agent," Bucky said dryly.

"Come talk to us tomorrow, Officers. We'll work out how to handle the security around the tower with Stark, see what he's come up with." They nodded and left, ending that alert on the baby. Steve looked at Clint once they were gone then shook his head. "You had to mention that?"

"Yup. Because they'll let their boss know we have higher weapons here. It'll mean less people trying something minor."

"Point," Bucky agreed. He walked inside. "He getting poked by Dr. Banner or getting changed?" he asked.

"Infirmary," Stark said with a point and a grin. "It's a cute outfit."

"He's not allowed to ever wear it again," Bucky said firmly. "We want the kid to do something good for humanity, Stark."

Tony looked at him. "I fully agree with that. Then again, body armor might be appropriate when he's in the park or something. They do make kevlar impregnated baby gear. His stroller is. They also make jackets, backpacks, and all sorts of clothes."

"Send me the site. I want to see that," Bucky said, heading for the infirmary. Darcy was down there with the fussy one. Alex was trying to get his vest back. Bucky picked him up to look at him. "You don't need that tonight. Tonight you need to see Dr. Banner and then have a bath." Alex smiled at him, leaning forward to kiss his nose. "Thanks, kiddo." He looked at the doctor standing there with a needle. "Do we know you?"

"Dr. Banner's not really equipped to handle his needs, Agent Barnes. I'm only drawing blood to run a test for biological contaminants."

"With all that's happened, we'd like Banner to do it," Natasha said. "We're now paranoid."

"I can understand that. Let me get him." Bruce walked in. "There you are." She handed over the needle and got out of the way. Bruce stared at her until she left.

Natasha smiled at that move. "They hit him with Loki's scepter," she said quietly.

"Great. We can do a brain scan, see if we can spot anything lurking like mind control." He drew blood and started it running, deselecting some of her tests. "She's checking for gamma radiation." He looked at Darcy, who shrugged. "No idea?"

"I woke up when he screamed because they touched him with the scepter. He was redressed in his baby battle outfit by then. He called up a lot of spirits to eat them."

Bucky looked at Natasha. "That girl she spotted?" he asked quietly.

"I cannot let a child go through what I did," she said simply. "We'll figure something out." He nodded he agreed. "Though I'm not sure I could handle two."

Stark strolled in with Pepper behind him. "What daughter? They made him a sister?"

"Faith, his guardian angel, said they had a girl," Bucky said, staring at him. "The other doc wanted to look for gamma radiation."

Stark looked at the machine and selected something. "That always shows Rogers' serum and the one that they gave Natasha. I haven't ran Barnes' blood through it yet." He looked at Bruce. "Gamma testing won't work. It won't catch anything." Bruce smiled, going back to looking over the little guy. Stark stared at the outfit. "Bit too much for a guy his size. Maybe when he's older." He handed the pants and top to Pepper, who folded them into her bag so Alex could forget about them. Alex fussed but his father smoothing a hand over his hair helped. He grabbed the metal hand to cuddle instead. "Yeah, kiddo, it'll always protect you," Stark said quietly.

"Toto," Alex said with a grin and a wave. "Pepper, hi!"

"Hi, Alex. We want to make sure you're okay." She gave him a cuddle. He cooed in her ear and flirted with Tony, who smiled and let the parents be worried with Bruce. She looked at Tony in the elevator. "Find that daughter, Stark. Then we'll see who adopts her."

"Of course, Pepper. I'm already working on it with JARVIS. He's insulted they gave him the flu."

She patted him on the cheek with a smile. "Thank you." She got off on the office floor, going to do something to take her mind off her worry. Stark went to his lab to work on that.

***

Stark sat down at breakfast, handing over an information sheet. "The only one who's survived. They evacuated her to another facility when the shot worked and she didn't die. She's in Wales." He handed over another one, putting it onto the table. "From Coulson's geeks. They gave him a name. They were called him Damned." The parents stared at him. "As in they thought he could control spirits. The notes they left said that's why they tried Loki's scepter, to open up any sort of gifts in him. They did hope it would help erase the memories of all of us."

Natasha took it to look over. "That was his codename?"

"Yup. Which he proved by calling back their dead test subjects to take them out," Stark said. He leaned his elbows on the table. "They were originally going to turn him closer to what Clint is. They thought that you two's enhancements would've created a physically superior child. Then they'd teach him the same fighting and acrobatics they taught Clint in the circus and you in the Red Room." She nodded once with a grimace. "The person in charge of the project was both HYDRA and Russian. She was their Russian science head and had trained under the people that made you, Natasha." She looked at him. "It led to more files on your training. The only copy is with Coulson. He demanded. I didn't even try to make you a copy."

"I will get it from him. Thank you, Stark."

He nodded. "We don't want them to try it ever again on anyone. The little girl, her parents were SHIELD agents but not noted which ones. Just lower level agents."

"Interesting." She looked at that information sheet. She was two, blonde, and pretty. "Any idea who could safely raise her?"

"Yup. Pepper's ex-boyfriend knows some who are nearly paranoid and looking to adopt." He smiled. "I showed her first and she talked to him about it. They know two couples who might, both former military so they won't freak out at her loving weapons or anything."

"That's good," Bucky agreed. "Thank you, Stark."

"Welcome, Barnes." He stood up, getting more coffee before walking off. "I sent you an email late last night with the baby kevlar gear."

He got into his email, finding that one and opening it up into a virtual screen. Alex wandered out, climbing up him to hug him then he crawled across the table to hug his mother and sit in her lap. He grinned. "Me want," he said with a point.

Natasha looked down at him. "Which one?"

He pointed. "That."

"The jacket?" Bucky asked, pulling that up. Alex shook his head. "Which one then?"

"All." He grinned. "Good boy?"

"You're a very good boy, and very spoiled, son," Natasha said, giving him a hug. "Have you seen Wilhelmina?"

He smiled at her. "Poopy bad guys."

"Yes they were."

"Pew pew bad guys?"

"Yes we did," Bucky said. His son leaned over to hug his normal arm and smiled at him. "I'll always take out bad guys for you, Alex." Alex hummed and looked up at his mother.

"You know I will. I have even when you realized that one was a pervert in the park. Though everyone said he was not until his wife confessed about his 'special meeting room' and the tapes."

"I remember him," Bucky said. He looked over things, ordering the kid a jacket. "What's his size?"

She looked at his tag. "This barely fits and it says '3T'." She looked it up on her phone. "Boys go up to 5T then normal sizing." She checked a sizing chart. "Get a 4T, it should be just a bit big so fit him for a few months at least." Bucky nodded, ordering that. She looked at his pants. "We should probably get you something that fits that way too."

"Have we found a way to keep him from screaming at the shopping?" Bruce asked as he walked in.

"Brooooooo!" Alex squealed, reaching up. He picked him up to hug him then handed him back. "You eats!" he said firmly.

"I'm going to, Alex." He smiled at the parents. "I heard about the last trip."

"I thought it was brilliant of him to escape and hide so well," Natasha said, looking at her son. "Can we shop for you?" He scowled at her. "Please? That way things fit?"

"No! Bad!"

"Fine." She cuddled him. Bucky was trying not to smile. "You could go with your father."

"No!" he howled. "No!"

"Okay. We won't shop," she soothed, giving him a hug. Bruce was smiling behind her back. Bucky was grinning at her. "We will order you some online instead." She looked at him. "That does mean we can't go to the toy store to pick up anything for your stuffed friends however."

He stared at her, eyes wide, lip trembling. "Toys?"

"Yes, the toy store is still shopping."

"Toys!" he demanded, turning to stand up on her lap, staring at her. "Toys me!"

"Yes, you would have to shop to get toys, son." She smiled. "We can get toys after we get you some pants that fit."

He pouted. "Toys?"

"Toys after clothes."

"Canny?" he asked with a grin, cuddling her.

"If I find any," she sighed. He squealed and bounced. "Sit. We'll feed you in a minute." He pounced his father by jumping at him, climbing up his arm to his shoulder to babble at him about toys. Bucky pulled him down to have him sit in his lap, smiling at his weird little boy.

Darcy walked in. "Morning. Did he sleep okay?"

"He did good," Natasha said. "He slept with me last night. Didn't have a single nightmare." Darcy smiled and waved at the chattering baby. "Go ahead and make yourself breakfast, Darcy. We haven't started on his yet."

"That's cool." She looked at the baby then at Natasha. "What about something like an easy quiche?"

"How are they considered easy?"

Darcy smiled. "I found a good recipe on a tv show." She got the stuff she'd need and made it, putting it into the oven. "Twenty minutes." She walked off, going to start some tea and coffee. By the time Jane wandered out, the coffee was done and the quiche was nearly finished. She poured her coffee and handed it to her then checked the quiche.

The baby stared at her, then got onto the table to crawl over and hug Jane around the head next to her coffee. "Thank you, Alex," Jane said, smiling at him. "You're a great way to wake up." He pointed at the cup of stuff that made a few of his uncles go. "Yup, I need coffee." She sipped it and let him sniff it then hug her again before crawling back to his father. "He's really smart, guys."

Darcy came back, checking on breakfast. She pulled it out to test with a finger then let it cool before slicing it. A large slice went in front of Jane's coffee. Alex got a piece. He stared at it then at her. She smiled. "It's eggs and ham and cheese. Try it?" Natasha cut off a piece to eat and nodded she liked it, then let him have a piece. He ate it, staring at his mom. Then he grinned at Darcy. "I knew you'd like that." She kissed him on the head. "You can put nearly anything in there. Even those V-things most kids hate." She strolled off with her tea. She was in a tea mood today.

"Morning, Thor," she chirped as she walked past him. He was half asleep and fighting with his shirt. "That's inside out and backwards." He grunted his thanks and switched it around, going into the kitchen for his beloved poptarts. The baby blew kisses and grabbed some of his egg thingy with his fist to eat. His mom and dad had their own, he was big enough to feed himself. Bucky looked at the few pieces that fell then shrugged he'd clean it up later. He handed the baby a spoon from Jane's coffee. He liked that a lot too. He could use a spoon.

"Spoooooonnnnn!" Alex cheered. Jane coughed to hide the laugh, smiling at the baby. He grinned at her. "Spoony."

"It is a spoon, yup." Bucky and Natasha were staring at her oddly. "Youtube. Look up 'spoon' and 'tick'." Natasha did that then groaned and showed Bucky.

"Even if he ends up in spandex, it won't be that outfit," he said. Thor handed the baby a poptart. "He's fine, Thor."

"He's still hungry. He's going to find toys later."

"We're going shopping. Clothes then toys," Natasha reminded him. The baby huffed but nodded, stuffing his mouth again. She smiled at the couple. "What are your plans today?"

"Science," Jane said. "Always science."

Thor looked at her. "I was hoping perhaps we could take lunch outside? It's pretty today."

She smiled. "Come get me from the lab and I'll gladly go picnic with you, Thor." She gave him a kiss and got up so he could have her seat. She got more coffee then headed down to the lab. The lab had some sort of industrial coffee machine that brewed one cup at a time but created a lot of steam and noise to do so. But it was the best coffee ever. She could have that later, once she could appreciate more than caffeine.

Thor sat down, looking at the parents. "I wish you much luck with shopping today. I know how he fusses at it."

Natasha nodded. "Yes, he does."

He looked at her. "Vesty?" he asked with a grin, pointing at his father.

He sighed. "You don't need that outfit, kiddo." He pouted at him. "We'll see if we can find you something like that without it being from them. Okay?"

"Leather?" he cooed, smiling at his dad.

"We'll see. You're a bit young for leather. Most boys who wear leather are already potty trained, not peeing in diapers."

"Didi," he called. The robot came in to change him.

"Not in the kitchen," Natasha warned. The robot rolled them off to change them in the living room, where the parents could make sure he was all right. Thor was smiling but shaking his head. She looked at her baby daddy. "Were you serious about him and a protective beast to watch over him?"

"I was, if we can do that," he said. He tipped his head for a bit. "What were you thinking?"

"I have no idea how to handle dogs. Men, but not dogs." He smiled slightly. "I've seen them trained by others and some working. Will those sort like children?"

"That I do not know."

"There's a lot of things like breed selection quizzes online," Stark's voice said. "Has to be housetrained so it won't crap on the rug. Make it like to play a lot too. The kid could use something to chase now and then."

"He could," Natasha agreed, looking up breed selection guides.

They did it together. "No, not a tiny dog. If I have to walk it, I do not want a tiny, yappy thing with me. It's embarrassing."

She smiled a tiny bit. "I can't see you with a pocket dog." She made sure it was the medium range and up. "Has to like children and be protective."

"Drooling?" he asked.

"It would be nice if they did not drool," she admitted, checking that box. Bucky grimaced at most of the questions. "We'll do another just to make sure they cross match," she offered. They came up with a list and looked them up on a few different breed sites. She eventually had it narrowed down to about ten.

"Why not one of the normal ones, like a German Pinscher?"

"We can add them. I'm not sure they'd be good with children." He nodded at that. "The Belgian Malinois is the most common trained dog for guarding and detection jobs at the moment." They looked over their usual profiles. "The German Pinscher is not what we need, it's only mildly protective and shy around people. The doberman is looking better." He nodded, putting that one off to the side. "The Weimaraner is looking good."

"It's a hunting dog but it has a lot of agility," he summarized, putting it into their final list. "Akita, yup. Bred for it."

"The Malinois, the Australian sheep dog," she said, adding them to the list. "The Kuvasz."

"Another herding/hunting dog," he said. "More fluffy than the other one." He pointed. "Black Russian Terrier?" They looked at it and smiled. "Something good that came out of Russia beyond you."

She pinched him but looked at him fondly for the compliment. "That's seven. We can do more research and talk to breeders." He nodded. They looked up area breeders and they were more than happy to talk about what they wanted the dog for. A few they weren't sure could keep up with a toddler, and one wasn't sure that'd be enough playing, but they could definitely visit and talk about them. They left together, going to the first one on their list. She did two different breeds so she was a good place to start. By that night, they had it narrowed down to four: Black Russian Terrier, the Australian Sheppard, the Akita, and the Kuvasz.

Clint looked at them when they sat down in the living room area. "He'll love whatever you get him."

"Has he interacted with dogs?" Natasha asked. "You take him to the park more often."

"Yeah. I've shown him dogs, and let him pet a few dogs that were friendly. He tried to chase after a few dogs to pet them." He grinned. "He loves animals."

"The real question is who is going to walk him," Tony said from the coffee maker bar. He looked back. "And who's going to vacuum the pet fur?"

"I'm sure we'll figure it out." Bruce came off the elevator, smiling at them. "Bruce, we're considering getting Alex a furry companion to help protect him. We know you're allergic to cats. Are you allergic to dogs?"

"No, I'm not. I had a dog before I changed. A mutt I found on campus one night." He sat down. "What are we thinking about?" They showed them the last four. He pointed. "I've seen one of those and they were stubborn but easily trained and were meant for protection."

"Shedding?" Stark asked.

"Double coated, can withstand cold weather or warm, and good with kids. That one had a baby that the akita sat in front of to make sure no one but them touched the baby." He smiled.

Natasha looked at Bucky, who nodded. "She had one returned that's older or she said there's a breed rescue service in the area."

"How big?" Stark asked, coming over to see. "Not too bad. Under a hundred pounds probably. Medium sized. Hates heat." He grimaced. "You can probably trim the coat if you end up on the west coast with me sometimes." He nodded. "Make sure Rogers won't freak out."

"Steve loves dogs," Bucky said. Wilhelmina carried out a fussy baby, but had to let him go when he tried to dive for them. "Hey, kid."

"Dada." He grinned at him. He looked at his metal arm and patted it then cuddled in, waving at his mother. She smiled and waved back.

"It's time for dinner, Alex," Wilhelmina said with a smile. "Want food?"

"Later." He waved at her. "Cuddles."

"Cuddles are great." She smiled. "Did you two have fun?"

"We're getting him an akita," Natasha said.

"That's a what sort of pet?" she asked.

"Dog."

"I'm fine with dogs. It'll give him someone to chase after. Are they playful as well as protective?"

"Supposed to be medium energy and moderately playful," Bucky said. "Usually fairly easy to train. Highly protective. Were bred to be protective and hunt."

"Great. We can like that. Will I have to help train it? I have no idea how to do that."

"No, we can work on that," he assured her. She smiled and dished up Alex's dinner, bringing it out.

"It's a special treat to not eat at the table," Natasha said, taking the bowl of casserole. The baby grinned and waved at Wilhelmina before opening his mouth and chirping at her. She smiled. "If you still think I'm a puppy, how did I give birth to a baby bird?" she asked. He beamed as he leaned over to get more food. She fed him, but was happy. Her son being goofy was cute.

***

Alex looked around the bigger dog the breeder person had. Then up at his parents. "Puppies," he said, looking serious.

The breeder smiled at him. "You're getting a puppy, Alex. Do you like a particular one?"

Alex sucked on his thumb, letting his parents walk him around to look at them. The dogs were all happy to see him. He found one in the second row and pointed with a grin for his father. "Matches!" he cooed. "Mine?"

"Yeah, she can be yours," the breeder said, pulling her out. "She's a good girl. She's a silver brindle without a mask or markings."

"Matches," Alex cooed, petting the dog after staring at her. "Me good boy." The dog lapped him and sat down, staring at the breeder.

Bucky looked at his metallic arm then at the dog. "She does match my arm, yeah." He looked at Natasha, who nodded. "We like her. Is she fixed? We're not interested in having puppies and a toddler."

"She is. She's a little on the small side, barely fits into breed standards, so I've had her fixed. She's done some obedience work." She clipped on a leash and walked them off to go over what the dog would need. The akita stared at the adults but let the baby nap on her. That was a great sign. They took the vet information and health sheet, plus a recommendation for what type of food to feed her, and packed up her and the dog. They nicely had a hitch for the dog's collar for the seatbelt. That was sweet and safe of them. Alex leaned over in his carseat, putting a hand into her fur, and went back to sleep. He was such a sweet baby. Very well socialized.

***

Natasha got out of the car once they were at the tower. They had taken the dog to the vet's to make sure it had all her shots. They had registered the dog while at the pet warehouse. Alex had picked out toys for them to play with, with the dog's approval. The adults had gotten the dog food and necessary things. They went up together, Alex hanging onto the leash. They got off on the living floor and Alex ran out, the dog following easily. Alex climbed up Clint. "Mine! Matches!" he cooed, pointing at the dog.

"It's a great looking dog, Alex." He cuddled him. "What his name?"

"Her," Natasha said. "We're not sure yet."

Clint looked at the dog. "We could name it bionic since he thinks she matches his dad's arm."

"We might," she agreed. Bucky sat down, watching Xander cuddle his dog. "We have someone coming tomorrow to start training the dog and Alex to help the dog."

"That'll help a lot," Clint agreed. "You could name them the same name so when you call the dog, the kid comes."

"No, not really," Bucky said. He patted his lap. The dog hopped down and next to him, staring at him. "That's a good girl." He petted her. Alex climbed down and wiggled up. "Good job, Alex." He petted him too. The boy beamed and barked at the dog, who nuzzled him back. He cooed and petted her, getting comfy on his daddy's lap to pet his new friend. Natasha put down the toys from the bag. That got attention. Alex got down to look at them, rolling a ball. Bionic jumped down to play with him. She'd get plenty of exercise following her boy around.

Stark came off the elevator, staring at the dog staring at him. She barked a few times. "That's Stark, he lives here too," Natasha said.

Alex beamed at her. "Toto."

Stark picked up the kid to hug him. "She's cute, kiddo." He barked and grinned. "You make a great puppy too." He put him back down. "You're wet."

"Shoot," Bucky muttered, getting up to change him. The dog followed. She barked a few times at the robot but they made peace quickly enough because it didn't smell like a human. When the baby ran back to play some more, she followed, teaching him how to play tug-of-war with her. She liked that and he did too, even if she did pull him across the floor. He laughed and got up to hug her. She growled a bit so Natasha moved him. "No touching her back belly area," Bucky said. "Dogs don't like that." Alex pouted but nodded. Tony sat on the floor and taught him where to pet the dog. Clint had already taught him how to pet ears so that worked. She liked that and so did he. Especially when he found the brush in the bag and brought it back to brush her. She adored that spoiling from her charge and the big human who smelled funny, like the robot had.

Natasha and Bucky sat back to watch. Their son was great with dogs. Maybe he'd be a vet instead of a human doctor.

***

Steve came off the elevator with Sam Wilson. They were met with a barking thing. "Whoa," Sam said, backing up. "Easy, dog. I'm friendly. Are you friendly?"

"I think that's Alex's new friend." He squatted down, letting the dog sniff him. "I live here. It's okay. I love Alex. There's a few who live here." He carefully petted her and she huffed but ran off to protect her boy, still barking.

"He's a good boy," Bucky called. He came out of the hallway in just jeans with a towel around his neck. "Both of them are okay, Bionic. They're friends. One lives here sometimes." He grinned. "Alex said she matches me."

"She kind of does," Sam said with a grin. "He good to her?"

"So far he's brushed her nearly bald between playing and petting her. She wasn't too sure about Stark but he had grease all over him again. Bruce got a friendly sniff and ignored. We have a trainer coming tomorrow to work on that stuff."

"That's a great idea. Let me know so I can learn them too," Steve said. "That way I can babysit sometimes."

Bucky smiled. "I'll gladly let you babysit and change all the diapers you want," he promised. "Better you than the ball spraying robot." He walked off. "I think us and Stark are the only ones awake. Wilson, the room next to his is open."

"Thanks," he said. He looked at Steve. "He's healed well," he said quietly.

"He mostly has. Wilhelmina did something and mind whammied him so he did it really fast." He grinned. "She's one hell of a lady at times." He went to Alex's room. His robot friend was changing him. "Let me take Bionic out for a walk, Alex."

"'Kay. Use porchies?"

"We can do that." He found the leash and clipped it on, taking the wary dog out to the atrium with all the plants. He let her go when she pulled at the leash, letting her run to water some plants. "JARVIS, can we find a way to let her down here whenever she needs to?"

"I can put a sensor on her collar if we teach her to wait at the elevator like some dogs wait at the door to be let out. The maintenance robot down here has been shown how to break up such deposits and put them into the composting system for later use."

"That's great." The dog ran back inside. Steve followed, catching the leash. "This way, Bionic." He got them onto the elevator and upstairs, unclipping her leash. She ran back to Alex's room to nap with him. That was nice of her. They checked and she was settled by his head so he couldn't accidentally kick her. She was behind his head too so he couldn't grab her to cuddle. Steve showed Sam to a room then went to his own. Then he came out with a sigh. "JARVIS, did you not see the guy hanging half in my window?"

"I have alerted the authorities but they have not felt it necessary to show up yet, sir," he said. "I can call them again. I thought the maintenance robot had cleaned up all the glass."

"It did, but I've still got a guy half-hanging in my window. Any ID on who he is?"

"He had been a SHIELD agent. I have no idea otherwise."

"Thanks." Two officers came off the elevator twenty minutes later and he showed them where the guy was. He helped them remove him, he was wearing body armor so not cut by the glass. He was unconscious and slowly bleeding from a tiny puncture to his intestinal area that hadn't come from the glass. They took him to the hospital themselves instead of waiting for an ambulance while Steve covered up the window and went to take a shower so he could sleep for a few hours.

***

Coulson walked up to one of the people he used to consider a friend. A best friend really. "Jasper." Sitwell smiled at him and shook his hand. "I'm glad you're okay." He pulled him closer like he was going to hug him. Then he whispered it. "Heil, HYDRA." Sitwell gasped and Coulson stabbed him in the stomach. He stared at him. "I don't think that's going to keep happening." He waved a hand. "Take him to Fury for interrogation." The guards nodded. Coulson looked at the staring agents. "He betrayed us." He walked off, going to find his other target. He did the same thing to him but stabbed him in the throat. He was convincing but evil and a huge part of the current problem in SHIELD. And other problems his secondary team had been dealing with.

He stared at him. "I don't think we need any sort of bugs in SHIELD, especially not Centipedes." He walked off and let the guards take that one upstairs to Fury as well. He spotted the Security Council member stomping in and followed subtly. Just in case. The guy was talking to Fury and Fury spilled that he knew about him. Mostly to see how he reacted. The guy looked resigned and said now he'd have to pull their plans sooner. Fury shot at him. The guy had a personal shield. Coulson threw the knife he had on him then shot him when the knife was deflected.

The man stared at him. "Oh, it's you. His other good hand."

"Yes, I am." He walked in. "I don't think that we need your sort here."

"I helped build SHIELD, boy."

"No, he built SHIELD," Coulson said. "He trained most of the senior agents himself. Clearly your history is faulty. Because before him, was a Stark and a Carter."

"Yes, they were too easy to take out."

"Peggy Carter's still alive," Coulson said. "Stark knows about his parents' death. So does Agent Barnes, who talked to him about it." The man stared at him. Coulson smirked a tiny bit. "We fixed him, yes." The man pulled something out and hit a button.

"I'm sorry, the number you are dialing is no longer in service," a male voice said as a shade faded into view. He stared at him. "I'm damn glad I'm here to help Dad this time." He touched the man's head. "He didn't know about Garret's plans. Huh. Not very good, are you?" He sank his fingers into the guy's head and made his brain quit working. "Hmm, no wonder Glory did it that way. Interesting." He wiped off his hand after withdrawing it, smiling at Phil. "I'll only have to intervene twice in Dad's life to make sure he's okay and I'm not turned into him."

"Did you know they were coming for you?"

"No. I have no memory of any of that." He smiled. "Beyond the baby outfit. I looked so damn adorable in it. I kinda took over Dad's old uniform when he took on his new one. I looked hot in Mom's but Stark threw a damn fit at me and called me the gay avenger again." He shrugged but grinned. "I did look like a really hot guy in it but too hot for work apparently." He faded out. "Next time you'll see me, I'll be ten or so."

"Thanks for the warning," Phil said. "We'll make sure you don't have to get near your younger self."

"Thanks," the voice said, fading out completely on the 's' sound.

Fury pointed at the empty spot. "That was little Alex. He's out of his body due to an incident in the future."

Fury just nodded. "Okay. What outfit?"

Phil took out his phone to show him the one he had been wearing when rescued. "They were going to make him truly his parent's child."

Fury grimaced. "He's cute in the baby armor."

"His parents got him kevlar impregnated outdoor wear."

"Probably a wise idea."

"And a dog."

"I'll warn Hill. She's allergic." They looked at the drooling body. "I think he's done."

"I'd hope so." He walked off. "Maria, Alex got given a dog earlier." He smiled. "It's a silver akita. He claimed it matches his father's bionic arm so it's named Bionic."

"I'll warn the agents who follow them to the park to protect him." She looked in the office and called medical staff to come pick up the empty shell of human. "Heading home?"

"Not yet. I want to see those two in a cell. I can't believe Sitwell. Garret I can see, but Sitwell?"

"Garett was your agent's training officer," she said quietly.

"I know. Ward's hiding. I can't find him so I put him on the find and question list. He's not good at hiding things."

She nodded. "Thank you." He nodded and walked off, checking his office before heading off. She walked in there, looking at the body then at Fury. "The dog's name is Bionic?"

"Didn't know that." He looked at her.

"Phil said it was a silver akita."

"Sounds protective." The med team got up there to remove him. "His brain got stopped. He's a HYDRA leader." They nodded, taking him to scan and arrest. Fury made notes on the list of agents that were definitely infected. He noticed a few on the 'question them' list and grimaced. "Phil's got to be mad."

"He's sending people to pick up Ward." He showed her. "Two of his later trainees. Pity. One was good." She handed it back. "Want one of his special ones to hunt them down?"

"Yes. That way it's solved. I know damn well the point of infection wasn't Phil Coulson."

"Garret probably. He had training duties with each one." She walked off, calling in Barton. "It's Hill. Two of Coulson's trainee agents, and one of his second team, are possibly compromised and under watch. We need them brought in." She read off the names. "Happy hunting per Director's orders, Barton." She smiled at his sneering. "Have fun." She hung up. "He'd be pleased to hunt them down, sir."

"I'm sure he would." He came out to check the lists. "What did Coulson do to Sitwell?"

"Walked up to him, said Heil, HYDRA, then stabbed him." She smirked. "It's fitting."

"It is." He went over things that they needed to clean up. "Hand," he said, staring at it.

"She's always wanted a top seat," she said quietly. She had people who squealed to her all over the multiple SHIELD bases.

Fury nodded. "I want to see her. Tonight."

"I can recall her from the HUB, sir." She called that order in. They had too many to clean up. Thankfully none of the others wanted to piss off Romanoff over her son. Because they weren't stupid, SHIELD didn't hire for stupid.

***

Natasha woke up when a light weight got onto her bed, then sighed when a wet nose sniffed her. "Good morning, Bionic." She opened her eyes, staring at the dog. Who barked back quietly. "Need into the atrium?"

"I believe he's just went out," the AI said. "But I believe he's missing his charge."

She sat up. "Where is he, JARVIS?"

"His armory." She got up and put on a bathrobe. "I can't scan part of that room. The sensors are down. I believe he's talking to a poker debt."

"Wonderful. Wake up his father?"

"I am doing so. He'll meet you down there."

"Thank you." She and the dog went to the elevator and to the gym level. Bionic sniffed and ran after her tiny human's scent. Natasha followed, walking in and staring at the...blobby thing that was her son's present guest. "Son?"

He grinned at her. "Pew pew sad."

"I'm sure he is." She walked over. "Pet your dog." He cooed and petted his dog. She looked at the large orange pile of what looked like blubber with purple streaks through it. "I'm his mother. We do an inventory when he gets things."

"That is wise," it said with a wheeze. "Alex is a special little boy. Most of us would want him to be happier this life."

"As do I. Plus in less danger."

"That is a good, motherly thing to do." He nodded at Bucky. "His debt is left in my will and will be here in a few weeks at the most." He looked around then at her. "I have one bigger thing he'd adore to have. He said he wanted one when he was in Africa."

She nodded. "If we must, we have another room it could sit in," James said.

"It will probably need a garage." He looked at the boy then at the parents. "If my own son was not so bad and close to me, I would have made him my heir. Unfortunately I'm torn. My son is evil, where I am not." She nodded. "But he is my son and will get grief for being left out of the will."

"Only you can say if he deserves it," Natasha said. "Alex does not need more than he has."

"That's good." He smiled and reached over to pat her. "He is a good, protective boy. He'll make you proud." He looked at the baby. "Goodbye, Alex." The baby ran back to hug him and babbled something. He smiled. "I know. I'll miss you as well. Watch out for my son. He's mean." Alex pointed at something and smirked. "Yes, that would work on him if he shows up." He winked and left.

Alex cuddled his mom's legs, looking up at her. "He sad."

"He is," she agreed, petting over his hair. "We'll see what happens. You should be in bed. Want a story?" He ran off, with the dog following at a trot. She looked at James, who shrugged but shook his head. "We will handle it."

"Yup, we will. Like usual." He followed her back upstairs, taking over reading duties this time. The dog wasn't in there but he heard Darcy yell 'oh, shit' about something. Natasha went to look. The dog came back with her. "Nose?"

"Checking on her." The dog hopped up onto the bed and laid behind Alex, resting on his head. "Good girl." She went back to her own bed. James tucked him in and went back to his. Darcy was going back to sleep now that the cold, wet nose was no longer in her crotch.

***

Alex ran into Bruce first the next morning. He climbed up his grumpy uncle, smiling at him when Bruce stared at him. "Why sniff butt?"

"What?"

"Why puppy sniff butt?"

"Because that's how dogs shake hands."

Alex looked so confused. "Me?"

"No, you're a people. You shake hands. Dogs don't have hands, they have paws. Shaking paws is different and a trick for dogs."

"Oh." He hugged him. "You slurp."

"I'm going to. Are you supposed to climb people?" Alex grinned at him then got down because his dog was trying to get into a cabinet. He found where the dog food was and poured some out. His dog settled in to eat it off the floor. Bruce shook his head, taking pictures for Natasha. That way she could train the kid to take care of the dog.

Natasha came out and pointed. "Alex, his food bowl is here and it feeds him ever six hours," she said patiently. "You don't have to get him more." The baby looked awed. She smiled. She scooped up the food and put it into the dog's bowl. She still enjoyed that, it was her food. Alex got put into his high chair to eat his own food. He had tried a bit of her kibble but it was ucky. He was babbling at Bruce about that. His Uncle tried stuff in the lab. That's what Uncle Tony said he and Uncle Bruce did.

"I don't do much with dog food, but I'm glad you like people food better," he said, trying not to smile.

"Us as well," Natasha said, making scrambled eggs. Wilhelmina walked in to take over. "I can."

"I'm good, Natasha. I got a full night of sleep." She looked at the baby then over the table at the dog. "It's cute."

"He named her Bionic."

"Awww." She kissed Alex on the head, handing him some toast. He grinned and gummed it until he got his eggs. "You eat. You don't feed Bionic your food, Alex. She doesn't eat people food." He nodded and dug in, humming while he ate, bopping to music only he could hear in his head. Then he got down, got cleaned up, and ran for the toys. Bionic was only too happy to follow. Even when Alex took her to the atrium's sunny area. Then they settled in the sun to play with toys. Plus she could pee if she needed to.

Natasha sat down with her breakfast, smiling when Jane trudged in looking half dead. "Didn't you rest?"

"Did," she mumbled. "After Thor." She put her head down and snored. Bruce smiled at Natasha, who grinned back. Jane was amazingly quiet for how loud Thor was during sex.

Wilhelmina started a second pot of coffee for the poor woman. She could barely wake up or walk. That poor, lucky woman.

***

Natasha walked up to where officers were surrounding her son later that week. "Where is his nanny?" she asked.

"She went batshit insane and beat the shit out of the guy that your son's dog bit," one of them said, sounding cheerful.

"Good girl, Bionic," she said, petting the dog and letting it go. "Go nap with the boy." She pointed. "Sit with Alex." The dog ran over to lap Alex. She looked at the staring officers. "That's why we got him the dog. If you're mad she bit a kidnaper...." She smirked a tiny bit.

"No, ma'am, but we wanted you to make sure you trained her against that. We'd have to note the bite and the health department could have her quarantined."

Natasha looked at the dog then at him. "I doubt that would work. She's being trained to protect the boy."

"She does an excellent job," the joking agent agreed. "I never thought dogs like that were mean."

"Akitas were bred for hunting and protection." Clint jogged over. "Check on Alex and Bionic please. She bit someone." She walked over to Wilhelmina, smiling at her. "We need to get you some of his weapons."

"I'm not supposed to use them," she complained.

"I do not care what you use as long as Alex is fine," Natasha said dryly. "If your other boss so wishes, he can come talk to me about why I'm telling you to arm yourself."

Wilhelmina smiled, handing over a knife. "I summoned his favorite one."

"I'm sure he'll enjoy helping me clean it later." She helped her up, staring at the guy groaning on the ground. "Hmm. Interesting. An international arms dealer and terrorist wants my son." He looked up at her, blinking a few times. She smiled. "Why did you want my son?" He didn't say anything. "If I have to ask again, I'll be much less pleasant."

"Ma'am," one of the officers said. "He's in police custody."

She smiled at him. "He's internationally wanted for terrorism charges and selling higher level weapons. I sincerely doubt you'll get to finish the paperwork before agencies show up to argue over who gets him." She looked at the man again. "Beyond that, he's not in cuffs. That means I'm able to question him." Steve walked around her and hauled the man up, stomping off with him. "Steve, I wanted him," she said. "I'm more than capable of questioning him myself."

He grinned. "I know you are but there's two others coming." He pointed. "Let me handle him?"

She turned and shot them. "They're no longer a problem." She followed him to the few trees that were up the path. The man screamed twice then said something. Steve's punch threw him outside the trees. She came back wiping off her hands on a wetwipe. She smiled at the staring officers. "He's part of the group that had kidnaped my son the other day. They want him to be like me."

The officers nodded, picking him up and taking him to jail. As soon as they typed his name into the computer, it started to shut down and agents mysteriously showed up about twenty minutes later to free him. The NYPD didn't let them. They held out for a known agency. So the FBI came to get him. Since the guy looked so grateful at one's presence they removed him for questioning too. By then, SHIELD was there and Agent Hill nicely questioned that agent, making him fear for his liver. She got a few very nice arrests of people who needed to move planets to stay safe. The officers had their systems restored within minutes by SHIELD and that first agency ran for their lives from Hill for doing that to them. The NYPD officers decided they kinda liked SHIELD sometimes. If they weren't handling an invasion of their city.

Natasha walked off the nanny and Steve, letting Alex hold the leash for Bionic on their way to an ice cream cart in the park. Alex cheered and shared with his dog. He was very good to her.

***

Bucky showed up at SHIELD that night, startling Hill. "Can I help?" he asked with a smirk. "I really want to talk to some of them about things."

She blinked a few times. "You're not an agent."

"I got brainwashed, Agent Hill. I know that. I'm better now."

"Coulson has four targets to get through his agents. Have him run you in the field." He nodded. "He's in his office on three." She pointed. "About halfway up the main hall."

"Thank you." He nodded politely and left her alone to wonder how he had gotten into the secured building. They had even upped security in the last few days. She looked into the office but Fury just shrugged. He had no idea and would be talking to Coulson about his ragtag bunch of misfit agents.

Bucky walked into the office after a quick knock. "Sorry I scared six of your hallmates. What can I do to help?"

Coulson looked at him. "We need to put names on offices but it's considered a security breach if they're looking for a specific agent. An ex-wife was taking out her husband once. Would you like an easy target in the city or somewhere in Romania that may be moving to Moldavia?"

"I can go on long term missions. Natasha takes more care of the kid than I do." He nodded and pointed at the door. Bucky kicked it shut and took the folder to look over. "I have no idea who he is but he's not one of the people that worked on me."

"We'd never let you go after them. We're not sure they haven't built in something to harm you."

"Not from what the witch did with her 'spoonful of sugar'," he said dryly. "I like that Wilhelmina's like a mean Mary Poppins at times. Especially when she takes the weapons from Alex."

"The hammer again?"

"Guns earlier. He stole Natasha's gun from her bedroom while she was napping." He smirked a tiny bit. "He was polishing it with Clint."

"Some day he'll be the best armed doctor ever." They went over what the objectives were, how much leeway he had for destruction, and who he needed to bring in for arrest. He gave him the number to call him for a pickup and the probable time it'd take. Bucky nodded, calling Steve on his way out of the office. Coulson went back to the tower to hand Steve the other file. "He's in the city."

He looked at it. "I can do that. Bucky?" He looked up at the senior agent.

"Europe."

"That's cool. He's good at it and it's about time. He was getting antsy. I was going to bring him on my next one." He got up and went to get what he needed out of his room and the armory closet in there. Then he left to hunt down that particular dirtbag.

Coulson smiled at Alex and his dog, who were watching tv. "Good evening, Alex." Alex waved without looking at him. He was watching something on tv that was probably not a children's show. "Who let you watch Sparticus?" he demanded. "Wilhelmina?" he called. She came out of the elevator a minute later with a few bags. "Who let him watch Sparticus?"

She looked then sighed. "JARVIS, did Stark strike again?"

"I put it onto PBS. He sat on the remote and then bounced a few times until he caught them fighting then settled in to watch. I have no control over that tv and am unable to integrate with it to turn the station."

Wilhelmina took the remote from where it was under her charge's leg, changing it back to PBS. He pouted at her. "You're too young for gladiators or porn. Deal with it." She walked off, taking the remote to the kitchen with her.

Alex huffed, looking at his dog. "She mean." He grinned at his uncle.

"I'm not putting it back on gladiator porn either," he assured him, sitting beside him to cuddle him.

Darcy walked Jane out to the kitchen. "You have to eat. You can't live on Thor's seed alone," she quipped. "It's not healthy for you."

"He won't let me do that."

"That means you haven't had anything to eat or drink since your breakfast of coffee, Jane. That's not good for science or Jane." She put her into a chair and got her a large sandwich, standing there until she ate it.

Wilhelmina smiled at her. "You're good."

"I try. Jane's usual mind gets taken over easily by science and Thor's abs." She looked out there when the baby started to chant for 'shiny'. "What does he want this time?"

"Sparticus," he said. "He accidentally found it."

"Better than all-team porn that Stark read him," Wilhelmina said dryly. "Thankfully that got stopped." Jane laughed but got up to get more food. Darcy sat her back down and made her more food. Jane inhaled it then went to brush her teeth and wake Thor up. It was their day off. Darcy made them food for later and put it into the fridge with Thor's name on it. He'd be hungry after nibbling on Jane for a while. She looked out at the fussing, looking at the dog's bowl. She found food so she moved a few pieces to make noise. Bionic came rushing in to eat. Alex followed, letting Wilhelmina put him into the high chair so she could feed him. Darcy smiled, making her dinner and making Phil a sandwich since he was taking a report on his cellphone. Then she went to her room. She found she had visitors when she got out of the shower. The baby was staring at her, eyes wide. The dog was on her bed, snuggled up to sleep. "What's up?"

"Read?" he asked with a grin.

"Sure, we can read. Turn around so I can get dressed." He huffed but she turned him around and got into better jammies than she had been planning on. She grabbed her kindle from the bag and laid down. Alex climbed up to snuggle her, letting her read to him. He yawned and fell asleep against her so she sent Wilhelmina's phone a text message. She came in to get the baby and the dog followed. She heard the dog head for the elevator when ordered to then come back up. Darcy settled in to read something more adult than a PG fairytale. She wasn't Stark, she knew not to read that stuff around the kid.

***

Wilhelmina woke up in the morning to Stark complaining loudly. Mostly about pay channels. She got up and put on her robe, walking out to see what was going on since he had mentioned Alex. She stared at the tv then at the baby. "You can't watch Game of Thrones either, kid." He grinned at her and waved. "I don't care." She turned it off. "He got into the on-demand?"

"YES!" Stark complained. "How?"

"I don't know. Yesterday he accidentally found Sparticus. Apparently he still likes swords . And naked asses." Stark stared at her. "It was!"

"It was," he agreed. He sighed, looking at the kid. "I have to put in a kid filter."

"If I could merge with the remote, I could flip it on him," the AI said patiently. "As of this moment I could not, which is why I woke you, sir."

"Thanks, JARVIS." He stared at the kid. "No. Porn. Even with swords!" He walked off.

"Sir, his latest poker debt paid off. Some of it has had to be moved to a special area and some is in Malibu's facility because it's too large for New York's storage capacity."

Stark looked up. "What did he get, an elephant?"

"No, he got a very nice jet. It's on the roof."

Stark whimpered, staring at him. "What?" he demanded.

"Let me get up a reasonable adult," Wilhelmina said, going to find Clint or Natasha. No Natasha in bed. Clint was getting out of the shower. "That poker debt that was terminal paid off."

"Okay. I can help do the inventory." He smiled.

"Including the jet?"

"Jet?" he asked. "What kind of jet?" She shrugged. He threw on clothes and headed out to the landing pad. He stared. "Shit, that is a jet. It's a Harrier jet. Wilhelmina, who was that one that paid off?"

"He was the ruler of his clan of warrior demons," she called, coming up. She blinked a few times. "I know nothing about those." She sighed, looking at him. "His son had poisoned him. He owed Xander less kittens than equaling that jet would take though."

"So him wondering if he should leave any of it to his son the other day?"

"Apparently he didn't leave him much. I wonder how his warrior clan is doing." She walked off texting someone. "Oh, he made Alex his heir and gave him all that he had accumulated in his years as Chief of the warrior clan. It's just a minor bit of weapons to them so they're cool with that and the.... Stark, um, call Pepper and ask her what a generational ship is? Beyond being somewhere near the Malibu office." He rushed to his system to look at the cameras out there. She heard a tiny whimper and looked over his shoulder. "Oh, it's a prototype space ship. Cool. Alex, you got a space ship from that one poker debt." The baby grinned and flipped back on the tv. She changed it to PBS after a few station flips so he couldn't hit a button and go back there. "Not likely, young man." Clint came off the landing pad. "Watch him? He got into Game of Thrones this time. As if Sparticus wasn't bad enough for blood, swords, and naked asses."

Clint flopped down, looking at Alex. "Wow." Alex grinned and waved at him. "You have to ask Mommy about Game of Thrones or Sparticus. Someday you'll need to know about politics and fighting but not yet. Not until you can fly the Harrier jet outside." Stark spun to stare at him. Clint nodded. "Weapons too."

"They're in the usual room, Agent Barton," JARVIS said. "I've taken the liberty of starting a rather large pot of coffee for you both."

"Thanks," he said. He looked at the kid. "Let's go do the inventory of your new pew pews." Alex cheered, taking him down there to show him. Clint looked at the weapons. "If this was only a tiny bit of what that warrior clan had, I really don't us to go to war against them." He looked at the kid. "You?" Alex patted him and ran over to look at something twinkly. Clint followed. "Who did that mean thing to the weapon, Alex? Stark!" he bellowed. He came in looking shell shocked. Clint lifted up the multi-missile launching system, which was nicely twinkly from the applied jewels. "Any idea who had this sort of taste?"

Stark stared at it. "There's not enough drugs and coffee in this world to make that seem reasonable, Barton."

"I know."

Natasha walked in. "That's less twinkly than the tank, which has a mirrored finish for heat deflection."

"The Harrier is nicely shiny," Clint said.

"He got a space ship, people! They're not toys like a bedazzled missile system." He walked off rubbing his head. "JARVIS, am I having a stroke?"

"No, sir. Just a headache. Have some coffee. I've got a cup brewing in the lab's system."

"Thanks. Find me something to put into it?"

"No. Not until you've safely put up the keys to the jeep, the tank, the jet, and disarmed the two armed bundles of weapons in the main gym."

Stark went that way to do that. Then he'd have coffee with liquor. Or maybe just coffee and then liquor. Then he could go to bed until the world made sense. Because this...it was insane. Now he knew why they all thought Alex brought chaos.

Natasha and Clint shrugged at each other. They settled in to do the inventory. They'd figure out how to de-gem the weapons later. Their son did not need to learn to like sparkly weapons. Or they could let Steve and James do it when they got back. They could bond with Alex over taking the stones off so the weapons were normal.

***

Pepper walked into the garage Stark told her to go to. It had been used to put together larger weapons that went on jet planes back when they were making weapons. She blinked at the ship that took up all the room and it looked like somehow there was extra room there shouldn't be. She stared, then called Tony. "Would you like to tell me how you did that?" she asked. "Should I worry about what you're building now, Tony?" She listened to him tell about the most recent poker debt for the baby. "We're not going to let him play in this life, right?" she asked pleasantly. She was forcing herself to smile so she couldn't swear. "Hmm. What else...a what?"

She hung up. She locked the hanger doors and put guards there so no one was allowed in there. Then she went to have a few drinks and pretend to be Tony for the rest of the day. Maybe she'd even drink like a twenty-something Stark. She deserved it for putting up with any Stark. After the fifth drink she wondered if Howard's assistants had to deal with things like this. Then again, Howard hadn't been able to remember his son's birthday so probably not. She saluted the assistant that came in. "I'm not doing anything for the rest of today."

"You're meeting with our PR people later, Miss Potts. Has something happened to Mr. Stark?"

She looked at the newest SHIELD plant at Stark Industries. "Someone paid off a poker debt by leaving a Harrier jet at the New York tower." She took another drink.

"That's sweet of them. Can any of the Avengers fly it?" Pepper smiled but shrugged. "Ah. I'll reschedule that appointment, ma'am." She went to do that. Then she called in to Hill.

***

Maria Hill went down to Phil Coulson's office, knocking before opening the door. "A jet?"

He looked up. "Alex's latest poker debt being paid off. It's a British Harrier jet." She blinked. "He also received a jeep that has clearly seen battle and a tank that has a reflective coating to make sure they don't overheat while using it." He smiled slightly. "That one was the chief of a warrior clan of demons and he made Alex his heir since his own son had poisoned him. The notes Wilhelmina got back said that it was barely one percent of their accumulated weapons. Though the bejeweled ones are a bit more odd than the jet or the tank."

"Bejeweled?" she demanded.

"Quite. We've decided Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes can deal with those to destress when they get home."

"Did you imbibe something strange?" she asked. "I am sending you for a toxicology panel in case, Agent Coulson. Do not fight the nice medical team taking you for blood and urine testing or I'll have to have the Director suspend you."

"You can go look at the new things," he offered with a smile. She snorted but he didn't fight the medical team. He came out fully clean outside of a lot of caffeine in his system. Maria Hill escorted him back to the tower, handing him to Clint Barton. "They said he has caffeine poisoning. He was imagining shiny tanks and jets."

Clint pointed. "Jet's up there. Tank's in the parking garage. His armory's set up in the secondary gym." He looked at Coulson. "Go encourage the kid to take a nap?"

"I can do that." He walked off loosening his tie. "Alex, I need to relax. Turn off Game of Thrones and help me." He shut off the tv and took the kid to cuddle and read with him. He had found his Ian Flemming collection. A good classic for the kid to learn from.

Clint led her to look at the new toys, ending up with the shiny new artillery pieces that had gemstones on them. She walked off rubbing her forehead and moaning. Within an hour there was a general there to complain about Stark having a tank and a jet. Wilhelmina came down to talk to him. He knew about the warrior clans. He was from one. That solved that and when he heard it had been Alex's poker debt, he left it alone. He signed paperwork for them as long as they were only used in cases of something like another invasion.

Nick Fury showed up scowling. He found one of his better agents sitting on the couch with the baby teaching him about the jewels on what looked like a missile launching tube. "Who did that?" he demanded.

Natasha looked up at him. "It was a present of respect to the original holder. He passed on and left it to Alex as part of his poker debt and inheritance. He named my son his heir."

Fury stared at her. "What?" he demanded. She let him see the information on that clan. Wilhelmina had printed it down for the general Fury had sent. He handed it back with a glare. "How many more of those ulcer inducing things are there?"

"Two large ones, though probably not this large. Eight total. The last one may only be equaled out in toys." She smiled. "Wilhelmina said it wasn't that much."

Fury walked off rubbing at his forehead. Once he got back to the base he went right to medical to make sure he hadn't been drugged or had a brain ripping event. "Maybe I should banish the Avengers to Europe or something," he mumbled. "It'd save me from days like this. The kid could get a good education over there." Thankfully the doctor sedated him because he was rambling. It was nice of them. He'd have to thank her later.

Natasha smiled at her son. "That is how you get Director Fury to leave you alone while you do necessary things for a few days." He hugged her arm and cooed at the jewels. He did like twinkly things.

***

Bucky called in that night. Natasha was nicely showing Alex how to match colors based on the jewels. "Why does it look like that belonged to that guy in the picture with Howard?" he asked. "Does he need more gay influence?"

She smiled. "It was part of the poker debt. Including a jet."

"Like to train him how to fly?"

"Like a Harrier."

Bucky sighed then nodded. "We'll see what we're doing with it later. My single target has turned into four since they're meeting and the other agents aren't cooperating. Is Coulson there?"

"In the shower." She paged him but JARVIS already had. Coulson came out in two towels. "He's run into the agents who think they're special."

Coulson looked at him. "Bring them all in. If the agents interfere, knock them stupid but don't harm them beyond reasonable needs." Bucky nodded. "Were you that unsure?"

"No, just of how much you wanted me to hurt 'em. They could use picked up too." He smirked. "Natasha, teach him about manly things please?"

"Earlier we were talking about why boy dogs and girl dogs looked different. He was cuddling his poor dog for being a girl and not having a dick."

Bucky just nodded. "Sure."

"The tank's nicely reflective."

"Stop." He looked at Coulson.

"The one that was dying named Alex his heir."

"Ah."

"They're a warrior clan."

"That explains everything but the jewels on the weapons?"

"Presents of respect."

Bucky nodded. "Thanks anyway." He hung up. Coulson texted him the ETA for pickup and went back to his shower. Bucky was looking up and asking God why his son had to be that way. Was it really necessary? They could make him into a tough guy like Bucky was, or like his Uncle Steve was. Or hell, even Barton was. Please?

Natasha smiled at her very weird son. "When he gets home, help your father's headache once he's cleaned up. All right?" He nodded and cuddled her, petting the weapon. He loved weapons. Twinkly ones were fun too. Very educational.

***

Steve got back from his mission first. He paused in the armory to look then shook his head as he went upstairs. He smiled at the kid and dog. "Hey, Alex. Want to spend the night with me and Daddy?"

He pointed at the tv. "Daddy there."

"He's not back yet?" Alex shook his head with a grin. "That's fine. We can have pizza." The baby squealed and hugged him. "Get me the leash and have Wilhelmina pack you up for a few days. That way Mommy can go do something mean to someone."

She leaned out of the kitchen. "Make sure he can't get to your cable. He's been trying to watch HBO."

"I don't have those stations, Natasha." She smirked a tiny bit. "We'll go do guy things."

"James would appreciate that."

"I saw the armory."

"Did you see the tank or the jet?"

"No, I hadn't. I'll look at them later." He picked up the baby, took the dog's leash from Wilhelmina, and the bag from her too, and they left together. He'd call the guy training the dog to come to his place instead. He and Alex had some pizza and then went over how guys did things like fight and treat a woman correctly. It was important guy lessons his own mother had given him. Natasha was trying but she wasn't used to guys as more than targets or playmates. He and Bucky really had to step up the guy role in Alex's life.

Bucky got back that night, walking in shaking water out of his hair. "Hey," he said. "It's raining."

"It does that," Steve said. "Your bed's full of dog and kid."

"That's great. We can teach him more manly things than weapons with gems on them or shiny tanks." He went to shower. When he got out, Alex was waiting and gave him a hug. "Thanks, Alex. Go back to bed and I'll come read to you once I've got clothes on." The baby ran back in there with the dog following. He toweled off and got dressed, going in to read his son a story about normal guy things. Alex wasn't going to be ambiguous about being a guy. He'd be a manly guy and proud of it some day. They just had to undo the stuff that the robot and gems had done to him.

Steve came in to help. The baby adored that and tried to get them to kiss. Yup, they had to unwarp the kid. Soon.

***

Darcy smiled at the little guy who ran off the elevator a few days later, picking him up to cuddle. "Hi, Alex. Are you back?" He nodded and cuddled in on her shoulder, playing with her hair. She sat down with him. "You're such a good boy."

Bucky came off the elevator, dropping the kid's bag into a chair. "Sometimes he is. Sometimes he's not."

She stared at him. "If he's gay, he's gay," she said bluntly. He winced. "If he is, he was probably born with the leaning and no matter what you would've done he would be. So quit picking on gay guys. Before they start picking back and demand your head on a pike or something. Does Steve let you get away with that bullying?"

"No." He huffed. "I don't want him to be...."

"Weaker?" she interrupted. "Being gay doesn't make you weaker, Barnes. A lot of times it makes you stronger for all the shit you gotta put up with."

"I'll change terms." She scowled. "You're not my mom."

"No but I can make your life a living hell." She smiled sweetly. "Quit picking on people like one of my cousins."

"Fine. I don't want him to be weaker or seen oddly."

"He's got you for a father. They're going to say stuff," she said. "The same as they will about his mom and wondering if anything passed on. Or if you two are teaching him to take out bad guys as a toddler. That's life. Sorry but it is. Humanity is dirty and full of assholes." Alex nodded, smiling at his father and waving. She swatted his wandering hand. "The boobs aren't yours. Quit trying to claim them." He kissed her on the cheek and snuggled in again. She stared at James again. "Have you seen the latest they're saying about you and if he's gay it's your fault?"

"Not likely. I have a long history of dames."

She flipped on a news station. "Not on there. JARVIS, did you save any of that down?" He turned on the video of the news discussion program.

Bucky stared at it. "Sexually aggressive stalking?" he demanded.

"You do kinda have a bad boy strut," she quipped. "That plus leather? Yeah." He scowled at her. She grinned back. "You'll have to teach him that strut when he's old enough to pick up girls." She put him down. "I said no groping my boobs, Alex." He pouted. "Tough. You know better. Good boys don't grope." He pouted and cuddled her side with the dog.

Steve came off the elevator. Bucky rewound it to let him see it. Steve stared. "You do walk a bit more swishy than you used to." He looked at his best friend with a grin. "Sexually aggressive stalking is an apt description." Darcy threw a pillow and hit him. "Darcy!"

"No more putting down gay people."

"I..oh. Sorry." He grimaced. "I did not mean it that way."

"Well, fix it." She pointed at the baby. "Before he learns to bully."

"No, I don't want to bully anyone," Steve said. He sighed, looking at Bucky. "I know you don't want him to seem as weak as I used to be."

"Even when you were scrawny they never thought you were weak. I don't want him to be seen like Miranda."

"I remember him." He grinned. "He was pretty in a dress." He looked at Darcy. "We'll quit that." She smiled. "Thank you for pointing it out." JARVIS switched to a current program, letting them see the idiot people talking about 'was it the mind control or just him' and showing tapes of them fighting back during the war. Steve blinked. "Why are you making that face as we bust in?"

Bucky shrugged. "No clue. Seemed appropriate at the time?"

"He does the duck lips each time he's thinking," Darcy said dryly. "Especially if he's staring at his arm." Bucky groaned, shaking his head. "Sorry, so probably always been there. They're right though, your stride did lengthen and get looser." He walked off shaking his head. "Pepper said to either make a comment or ignore it." She smiled at Steve. "Thank you."

"Welcome. If you had mentioned it earlier I would've realized it." She shrugged. "We'll work on that. I knew a few guys who liked boys and dicks." She smiled at him. "Especially during the war." He followed his best friend. He watched Bucky walk in the mirror, tossing him his pistol from the dresser. That addition of a weapon did change his stance and how he walked. Bucky groaned, putting the gun down and going to hide in the bathroom. "At least they think you look nice while stalking," he called after him.

"Shut up, Stevie." He slammed the bathroom door.

Steve walked out to spend time with Alex. He was cooing over something shiny Darcy had on. She was trying to get it back. Steve cleared his throat and held out a hand. The baby pouted but gave it to him. He gave it back to Darcy. "Thank you. Good boy." He sat down. "We've got to work on how to go potty like a big boy too." Alex pouted at him and pointed at his robotic buddy. "You can still play with him. Uncle Tony can reformat him so he can help you pick up your toys." He pointed. The baby got down to play with the dog, who wanted to nap but would gladly cuddle him while chewing on something.

Steve got down to play with him. They hadn't brought any toys so he had to improvise but Alex hadn't minded. "We've got to teach you a bunch of guy stuff soon. Including how to wear a t-shirt." He straightened it out on him. Alex hugged him, slobbering on his cheek. "Thanks, Alex."

"Wilhelmina started cackling 'I'm free' when you guys left," Darcy said, smiling at him.

"She needed a few days off. Alex is really active." He looked at her then at Alex. "Let's go look at these poker debts, Alex." He got up with a squeal and ran for outside. Steve followed. Bucky followed a minute later thanks to Steve texting him.

James looked at it. "I've shot one down but I've never tried to fly one."

Jane leaned out the door. "Stark said that the module to activate the weapons is in the same lockbox as the keys. It's in his lab. It's blue. The one for the tank is in silver. He's still hiding whatever they sent to Malibu because it was too big and Pepper's a bit freaked out by it too." She went back inside.

"Good to know," Bucky decided. He climbed up and looked inside the cockpit. "Seems to all be here but one giant piece is missing. I'm guessing that's the weapons arming module." He climbed back down. Alex was petting it from Steve's hip. "We need to learn how to fly this."

"We need to make sure we can use the tank too," Steve said. "I doubt it hasn't been upgraded since the war." They went to look at the shiny tank. "I need sunglasses," he decided.

"Hopefully all the shininess will keep heat from making it an oven in there," Bucky said. He let Steve climb up while he held Alex for tank petting time.

Steve came out and nodded. "Much more technical and I think it can drive itself."

"We'll take lessons." He looked at the baby then at his best friend. "The armory?" he sighed.

Steve nodded and they went up there. Alex squealed and ran over to pounce the actual cannon. Like civil war era cannon. It worked too by what they looked over. The bedazzled weapons they ignored.

"Blue," Alex said, smiling and pointing. "Red."

"They are," James said with a smile. He picked him up. "That's really smart, Alex." Alex cuddled him and pointed at something. Bucky picked it up. "Wow, I don't want to know what that's for and why there's blood on it." He carefully put it down.

Steve looked, activating it. "It's like an electro whip." He turned it off. "Natasha has one but hers is more flexible than this one."

Bucky nodded, carrying the baby off. "Some day we'll have to talk to him about girls."

"He's got years before then. And he'll have to be potty trained. Girls don't like diapers," Steve quipped back. Peeing like a guy was next on their list to teach Alex. He had 'helped' them in the bathroom the whole week he had been with them. He still looked confused each time they used the bathroom though. He'd get it eventually. He was only two.

***

Natasha watched her son try to get the diaper changing robot to change him while standing. "You only stand if you're wearing big boy underwear," she said quietly. He looked at her. "Diapers mean laying down." He pouted but let the diaper changing robot change him. She looked up how you did diapers during potty training. The tip site she liked suggested a certain type of diaper so she looked that up. That was handy and it gave tips on how to pick comfortable 'big boy undies' that the son would like as well.

Though she was not putting her son into superhero panties. He'd probably want to show them off to whichever of them was on them. Suddenly a head appeared between her and the screen. She smiled at the grinning kid. "Were you bored, son?" He held up the leash. "I have no idea where Bionic is. Call for her." He squealed and ran for the elevator. The dog came rushing out to join him so he took her down to the atrium. Most of their toys were down there at the moment. That made everyone happy because Wilhelmina could sit and read in the sun without worrying.

It also gave Natasha personal time without help from the very helpful son. She sent the site on potty training tips to James, who sent back a virtual grimace. She pointed out it was coming soon. He had tried to get the diaper changing robot to change him like he had used the toilet. James grumbled but he'd help because he hated diapers. The thought of accidents in big boy underwear didn't make him any happier but they happened to little kids.

***

James sent the text message and turned his phone off, looking at Steve. They were supposed to be sparring. "Natasha looked up how to potty train."

"That's a good thing. He should be ready to about his next birthday."

"They have special diapers for it. The page said that kids might still have accidents." Steve grimaced. "How did we do it?"

"I have no idea. I know one of the older women in the neighborhood was chatting and told my mother in her day kids were strapped to the potty chair for long periods so they didn't have to clean them."

"There's been days that might've been nice," James said.

Steve grinned. "You have the robot for those days."

"Yes we do." He shook his head, walking back onto the matts to restart the sparring. Steve grinned. "What?"

"I saw a picture of the little girl. She's blonde and cute and was wearing a dress she clearly liked being in."

"Awww, so glad my son doesn't like dresses."

"We'd make him a classy dame."

"Yeah, we would have to." He shook his head. "I don't want to think about him liking dresses." Steve took a harder swing at him. "That helped." They fell back into the old patterns and it was better. They could handle the rest of the toddler years. Then the kid would be in school and they've be saved some of the roaming madness that Alex brought to their lives.

If the world didn't end first since Steve's phone chose that moment to start ringing the special emergency ringtone.

The End.