Steve was watching Darcy walk Bucky through a move he had seen on tv and wanted to know why people danced that way. They were in the same gym since it had the big mirrors to watch themselves in. Steve was sitting in the doorway so no one stepped on him by accident. He felt someone standing behind him and looked up. "She's teaching him modern club dancing."
Xander looked and nodded. "He looks nice doing it. Of course, she's teaching him the girls' parts." Bucky groaned. "Don't feel bad, I learned those too thanks to girls. Way too many girls." He sighed but grinned. "If you're her new boyfriend sort, I'll get around to threatening you after I warn my sister that acting out against the bitches I used to work with has gotten a price on her head." He stared at her.
She shrugged but smiled. "I'll *so* sic Thor on them."
Xander burst out laughing. "They'd turn him into a pet, Darce."
"Not likely," Steve admitted, shifting some so Xander wasn't behind him. "He can fight."
"Yeah. Let's see him fight against thirty young women who just think he's cute." He looked at her. "I've already canceled the contract, just in case, but can you maybe lay a bit low for a few weeks?"
"No. I'm not scared of them. What're they going to do? Try to sacrifice me?"
"Well, yeah, they could," Xander reminded her.
"I'll be careful, Xander."
"Good!" He grinned. "Since there's two in the building and one of them brought me here to watch them kill you so I'd hurt. This is supposed to be our touching last few moments to nag each other, sis."
She snorted, shaking her head. "Stark, there's demons coming to take me out," she yelled. "They brought Xander so he'd have to watch."
"I'll fucking kill 'em," Bucky said.
Xander handed over his sword. "You'll need that then." He smiled.
"Can't shoot this sort?"
"No. They eat metal. And people. And they'd sacrifice my sister to get powerful blood supposedly." He looked at her.
"I don't have magic. Or your hellmouth taint."
"I have no clue but someone told them you did have unawakened magic and it'd be enough to open their portal so they could go home."
"Fuck 'em. Not my job," she said dryly. Stark stomped in, wearing one of his suit's gloves. "We're just waiting. They brought my brother so I could have one last hug before they sacrifice me to open a portal apparently."
"You're a virgin?" Stark asked, looking smug. "I did not know that."
"Stark!" Steve complained as he stood up.
"Not all sacrifices are virgin ones," Xander told him. "In her case they think she might have unawakened magic. If she was a virgin it'd actually protect her in this case."
"Wow, Steve, you're probably protected then."
"Shut up, Stark. I'm not a virgin."
"No, he's not," Bucky agreed. "Twice over before I left for the war front."
Stark blinked at him then at Steve. "Really?"
"Yeah. Artists have always gotten girls. They like our hands," he said dryly.
Xander snickered. "Artists and bards."
"Were you on Asgard?" Darcy asked him. As far as she knew, Bards only lived on Asgard anymore.
"Worse. Three demon realms in the last few weeks. One's nicely Middle Ages and one's all modernist crap with metal accents and shininess that glares in the sunlight. So tacky," he said with a head shake. "But I was getting myself free of the princess who wanted to use me to breed her daughter so she'd discredit the little bratling. She dosed her, locked us in a room, and forgot to search me so I had my ball of C-4 I have to now remake. She was so happy to get rid of her mother." He grinned. "Then found the boyfriend she already had and balled him out to consecrate the throne again. In front of everyone," he sighed, shaking his head. "So not what I wanted to see done with dick tentacles."
"Eww," Darcy said.
"Yeah, but a good quarter of all species have tentacles of some sort and about twenty percent have dick tentacles out of those." He shrugged. "It's like hentai sometimes only the slayers aren't willing to go down that way. Though a few could really use it." She burst out giggling. "Seriously!" She flapped a hand. "I know." He looked back at the demon. Then at Stark, who wasn't Stark. He had realized that when he walked around him.
"So, which one of you first?" They both lunged at Darcy and Bucky kicked the pretend Stark while Xander and Steve got the other one. Xander beheaded it, barely nicking Steve's arm. The Stark impersonator went down to Bucky snapping his neck. Darcy got the sword from her brother to behead the newly exposed demon. Bucky snatched it to cut into the demon's neck.
"By experience, soak the splashed-on jeans in cold water with a bit of rice vinegar for just under six hours. If you go longer it'll bleach the fabric too. Then wash it twice with tide and dawn mixed in. Then a regular wash with stuff to descent it or else it'll smell like demon blood forever." He looked at himself, then shrugged. "I buy stuff I can toss out mostly." He walked over to hug his sister. "Can you please stay safe?"
"When they did that shit after the battle outside Boston, I was all set to go down there with Thor to beat their asses for you." He grinned, giving her a cuddle. "If you're getting ickiness on me, you're buying me a new pair of jeans."
He kissed her on the forehead. "I barely got a few drops on my lower legs, Darcy. I'm not cuddled that close. You're not my girlfriend and I only cuddle them that closely after bad battles."
"Uh-huh." She looked up at him. "You okay?"
"Mostly." He shrugged. "It happens." Hill stomped in. "The slayers set a price on my sister's head, Hill." He grinned at her. "The demons pulled me here to make me watch them take her out. So we could get a last touching minute in."
She looked at him. "We really have to stop them."
"Please do. She's even blinded the sorcerer guy who's going to have to deal with the asshole aliens who want to eat all magic soon."
"Crap."
"I'm going to visit him in a few minutes to break that for him." He looked at his sister. "Please try to stay safe? Before I have to ask a boyfriend to take you hostage to protect you like I did Dawn?"
She smirked up at him. "I can think of a lot of happier outcomes, Xander. Really. Even for Dawn."
"It protected her from the coven trying to sacrifice her. She ran for the boyfriend, who called, and I asked nicely."
She nodded, patting his waist where she was holding onto him. "I realize that's freaky. The menace again?"
"Yeah, the Empire of Menace Strikes Back." She snorted and cuddled him.
Hill was shaking her head but her teams were cleaning up the mess for them. "I really hope some day we have a cure for magic addictions."
"In her case, it would've taken new parents," Xander said dryly. "By the way, they've went on tv decrying the slayers and all of us, but blamed me for creating this myth. Their daughter was clearly sucked into it and that's why she's causing so many problems. They were begging her to get addiction help on Dr. Phil."
"Well, he has a degree like her parents do," Darcy said dryly. "A fake one."
He nodded, looking down at her again. "Definitely. If I had a full time, known job they'd probably try to sue me too."
Hill sighed. "I can ask an agent to go talk to them."
Xander looked at her again. "Would that make a bit of difference to one of them? They haven't seen reality since they were leaving their precious little sample subject at home at the age of four, Hill."
"Point. They are pathetic in multiple ways. We actually tried to get their licenses removed but they switched states and we had the agency-wide problem about then."
"I've put in a challenge to their licenses based on that," Xander said with an evil grin. "They're probably not real amused." Hill shivered. "Yeah. Including how they were trying to burn their daughter at the stake for magic back in Sunnydale. It was in the papers. Which are on file with UCLA as a special topics history project. There was a *charming* picture in the paper."
Hill walked off rubbing her arms from the sudden coldness caused by the evil going on.
Darcy grinned up at him. "Can I help with that?"
"No. Not yet. You can ask your very rabid senator from New Mexico to renew his calls to talk to the Council on camera in front of Congress so it's no longer in the dark." He grinned at her. "I've called him to request that too."
"Sure, I can do that," she cooed. "That'd be happy and good evil."
"Yes it would." They shared a grin and broke apart, him throwing something at the woman that appeared. "Hey, Buffy," he said to her unconscious form. Willow appeared. "Bitch."
"She's your new girlfriend? Is she an assassin too?" she sneered.
"I'm his sister," Darcy said firmly. "I don't fuck my brother, I'm not into that." Willow glared at her. She stared back. "You're trespassing. Take your cunt and go." She waved a hand at Buffy.
"We need to talk, little girl."
"Sure." She smirked. "You go ahead. You should realize that the AI in the tower does tape all interactions and Mr. Stark would be most pissed to find you here."
"I doubt he's really going to do anything," Willow sneered.
"If he doesn't, I sure will," Steve said firmly from behind her. She spun and stared, mouth open. He smiled and wiggled his fingers in a wave at her. "Morning, Miss Rosenburg. Why are you trespassing on Avengers property?"
"I...I came to talk to Xander."
"Xander, do you want to talk to her?" Steve asked.
"No. Can I have my sword back?" he asked Bucky. He handed it to Darcy.
She shifted her grip on it. "The handle's too wide for me. I need to get a machete instead probably." She looked at Willow. "What? Since you put a price on my head to be sacrificed, I need to learn suddenly."
"You're interfering where you don't even understand a thing!" Willow said with a foot stomp.
"You'd be shocked what I know about your little clique, Rosenburg. I might not have met Xander until he was twelve but he and I talked every few weeks since then. I've heard *everything*. Every. Single. Thing." Willow went pale. "Including all the verbal abuse you spew and magicked others to spew. In fact, heard some of that in person a few times since we were talking when you rudely barged in." She moved closer to her.
"For someone supposedly on the side of good, you're really dark. I thought some of the heros I met were dark, mostly due to traumas in their pasts, but you really do take the cake in many ways. And then you made it spread by magicing others to go the same way you do. Seriously, grow the fuck up. Act like the hero you're supposed to be, and the mature adult you're supposed to be, and act like a real woman. Real women don't sneer because they nearly killed someone that was stopping them from committing genocide."
"She did?" Steve asked.
"Yeah, in her grief, she tried to end humanity," Darcy said, still staring at Willow. "Lots of people grieve and don't destroy more than themselves." She shrugged. "How much magic did it take to warp the slayers? Or the coven?"
"And how long will it take you to remove it since you clouded the guy who has to deal with realm hopping aliens who hate magic and are destroying it?" Xander asked. Willow glared at him. He grinned and waved. "Visions, bitch. They're about here and the only one who can fight them is Strange."
"I can handle that," she sneered.
"You have fun with that," he said. "Really." She growled and pulled up magic. A beam hit her and froze her again. "I guess Stark really doesn't like magic in his shiny tower of technology." He looked at Darcy. "Can I have my sword back please?" She handed it over with a grin. "Thanks. The Powers That Be said we need to keep them around for a few more months." He glared at Buffy since she was awake. "Cordelia said hi by the way."
"You're still a moron."
"Fuck you," he shot back. "My SAT score was higher than yours and Willow's." He grinned. "The guy who can fix the higher powered weapons has some skills even if it's not chemistry."
Darcy looked at him. "You got taught how to fix those?" He nodded. "Can you fix my hairdryer?"
"Of course. Probably just needs a bit of wire replacement."
"Thor jumped and the building shook while it was on my sink so it fell into the toilet," Darcy told him.
"Not that hard to fix. I've done more than one for the younger slayers, Darcy."
"She's your girlfriend, huh?" Buffy sneered.
"Sister," Darcy said slowly and clearly. "One who doesn't believe in incest." Buffy glared at her. She stared back. "I saw worse on hungover sorority sisters, Summers. You aren't that scary or that badass or that good. I can name three women off the top of my head who can put you onto the ground and into the ground for good who're in this building right now. All you are is a disappointment for women everywhere and an abuser. You abused my brother for years."
"He could've left."
"Yeah, and you would've died. Ask someone," she said bluntly. "I did." Buffy glared at her. "Seriously. Hey, Cordelia person?" she called. Whistler faded in. "I've seen you before."
"That's Whistler. The original mouthpiece of the PTB," Xander told her. "Whistler, this is my sister, Darcy."
"Pleasure," he said with a nod. "Why did you call?"
"Two things," Darcy said. "Can they be unclouded by the cunt's magic? Before the people who want to destroy magic show up since she did it to him too?" Whistler winced. "And can you find some way of making sure they can't try to sacrifice my little brother? That would piss me off and I'd become the next great evil that they couldn't fight."
Whistler stared at her then pulled out something to look through at her. "Yeah, you could be. You'd get lost in the revenge though."
She shrugged. "You do for family."
Whistler nodded. "I can see how that would happen. It's not how slayers or white witches are supposed to act." Buffy was growling. He looked at her. "This is not what the PTB want you to do, Summers."
"Or threaten her sister perhaps?" Xander asked. "Dawn's thankfully safe with one of my ex's."
"Good!" Whistler agreed. "I got sent to remind you to move her. As for the SS, go be your chaotic self to wake him up, Harris. You and your sister can do that."
"Thanks," Darcy said with a grin. "Can I fix the tragic cape thing he has going on?"
"I don't do fashion," Whistler admitted. "They gave me an outfit when I died."
"That totes sucks," Darcy told him. "You should at least get a change of clothes."
He grinned. "Cordelia takes care of that."
Darcy looked at Xander. "The same one you dated?"
"Yeah. Her bitchiness. She's their newer messenger."
"Wow. They wanted nagging apparently. Well, just don't pick me if I'm dying please," she told Whistler with a smile.
He blinked at her. "You're not supernatural, toots."
"The contract on her head thanks to the coven called her an unawakened witch. Is she?" Xander asked.
Whistler nodded. "Tiny bit. Nothing huge. Enough to maybe float the remote control."
"Thanks," Darcy said. "I'll keep that in mind the next time I need to Jedi something."
"You'd have to break it open," Whistler told her. He looked at Summers. "They're going to take almost all the slayers out to correct the attitude issue you've given them. Most of the African, Asian, and South American ones are safe but not yours."
"Leave Faith alone," Xander said quietly but firmly.
"She's not on my list but they don't like her for a few reasons, Harris. She's not going to go because of this issue. Others...." Xander pulled out his phone, frowning as he texted. "Nice."
"Thanks." He sent a second one. Faith appeared next to them. "Hey." He grinned at her. "The PTB want to assassinate you."
"Charming," she sneered at Whistler.
"Not my doing. Only my warning to them to straighten up," Whistler said with a point at Buffy. "Putting out a contract that forces a Harris into being the greatest evil ever isn't going to go well for the Powers."
"I'm a Lewis," Darcy said. "We're half-siblings but very close."
Whistler looked at her then at him then back at her. "You're a Harris by nature, kid." He looked at Faith. "I'd hide. You're too strong to them."
"They can suck me," Faith told him. "Really." He smirked a tiny bit. "Are they coming after the twats?"
"Yup. Soon." He nodded. "Hate to be there during that apocalypse. Harris, they'll get you then too."
He snorted, waving a hand. "I doubt that. I do have visions, Whistler." Whistler winced. "And they aren't sent by the PTB." Whistler shuddered but made Willow leave with Buffy when he left. Xander grinned at Faith. "So, this is my sister Darcy."
Faith shook her hand. "You're cute," she said. "Be careful, he's charming but an asshole."
"Yeah but I like his asshole moments. They mirror my own very well," Darcy quipped with a grin for her. "He's said some really impressive and nice things about you, Faith."
Faith grinned at Xander. "Suckup."
"Not really. I told her most everything."
"Little D?"
"One of my ex's."
"Good!"
"By the way, we have aliens showing up soon who eat magic."
"Can we donate?" she asked. "There's a whole coven of a buffet for their needs."
"Don't tempt me."
Faith walked off laughing. "Let me check on the local girls. They're disgruntled this week."
"Nice meeting you, Faith, and call if you need to talk," Darcy called after her. "Not like I don't know what you do and how hard it is. My boss is dating an Avenger."
"Wow. Way lot of hotties in tights." She walked off shaking her head, pausing by the elevator to stare at the redhead. "Even I know who you are."
"Slayer Faith," Natasha said. "Is there a large problem?"
"Whistler brought me to tell me the PTB are going to kill me soon." She pushed the button on the elevator. "Just saw X and the two twats too." She got onto the elevator. "Have fun and if you hit on X, he's great at stress relief stuff. Just don't let him get cuddly. He turns into an octopus when you need a hug." The doors shut.
Natasha walked off looking confused. She walked into the gym, staring at the siblings. "What happened?"
"FRIDAY, can you please show the footage?" Darcy asked. "I'm too tired to go into details." The whole incident was shown for her viewing. Natasha stared at her at the end. She smiled a nice, gentle, good girl grin. "I hate those people who hurt my brother. They suck."
"Actually, most don't," Xander admitted. "There's a surprising amount of bad guys who want my ass for one reason or another who won't give a blow job. It's confusing because they clearly only want me for the unhappy reasons if they won't make sure I get some happies too." Darcy swatted him but hugged him. He grinned at Natasha. "Whistler is the messenger for the Powers That Be. He's a balance demon and they want balance in the universe."
Natasha grimaced. "That's bad." She looked at Bucky then at Steve. "Are you two all right?" They nodded. "Good. Stark?"
"Never answered," Darcy said.
"He's on a jet," Natasha admitted. "I thought he might have text messaged when he got the alert." She walked off rubbing her head. "We'll work up a plan in case we get invaded by demons."
Darcy looked up at her big brother. "We should go wake up the sorcerer guy."
"We should," he agreed. "Guys, do you need my sister for tonight? I don't mind letting good boyfriends have her time instead. I know she's a big girl and has big girl happy times and I'm not jealous about you needing her."
"We're not sleeping with her," Steve said, blushing a tiny bit but smiling at him. "She's helping Bucky with a few things."
"Oh, okay. That's great." He looked at her. "Milkshakes?"
"Yeah, I know a place."
"Cool!" They walked out together, her under his arm. He was in a huggy mood but that worked well for her too.
Steve looked at Bucky, who burst out laughing, shaking his head back. "Yeah. They're a lot alike."
"Yes they are," Bucky agreed with a nod. "So alike." They gathered their things and went to hide in their apartment for a bit. Today had been a bit insane.
***
Darcy walked up to the sorcerer guy, who was in the park talking to a spirit. "Hmm, tacky cape does not match," she told him. He glared at her. She smiled. "Do you switch to fleece or velvet in the winter?"
"Who are you?" he demanded. "Do you know who I am?"
"Yes, that's why I came to help you uncloud thanks to Rosenburg."
Xander strolled over sipping his milkshake. "She really did a number on you." He moved closer and put his arm on the guy's shoulder, looking at the spirit. "Hey, Homer."
"Harris," he said with a nod, looking at her. "Is she yours?"
"My big sister." He grinned. "Willow hates that."
The spirit shivered. "Oh, dear."
"If she hurts my brother I'll be the final great evil humanity has to fight," Darcy said with a grin and a small wave.
The spirit sniffed her then nodded. "Yes, you probably could be. Oh, dear. I'll leave those girls alone, Sorcerer Supreme." He faded out.
The sorcerer knocked Xander's arm off him and felt the clouding spell suddenly. "What did you do?"
"I naturally suck up certain types of chaos magic," Xander said with a grin before taking another pull through his shake's straw. "Darcy too. Those magic eating aliens are nearly here. They're just in the next realm." They walked off together. "Have fun getting all that off you. Whistler said that the PTB are going to be killing a whole lot of slayers during the next apocalypse battle if you wanted to step in there too."
The sorcerer walked off rubbing his forehead. "I have not had a headache this great since I was a physician resident," he muttered. "They truly are forces for chaos." He went home to work on getting himself unspelled. Which was when he realized what they had said about the magic eating problems being very nearby. And what Harris had said was the cure. He went to scry them to see how close they were. His basement monster was a bit dangerous to let out too early.
A young woman appeared, pulling back her ponytail. She stared at him. "Even if they eat all of the magic on this plane, we can restart it, Sorcerer."
"Who are you?" he asked. "How did you appear in here?"
She smiled. "I'm Dawn. Among many things, and I soaked up about half an infinity stone earlier by accident, which showed me what was coming and going on."
He stared at her, mouth slightly open. "That's impossible."
"For humans," she said, raising a finger and smiling again. "I'm not fully human. They didn't make me fully human, just a good facsimile." He used his Eye on her and moaned. She giggled. "Yeah, but I was partially raised by Xander. So I'm really helpful and not as bitchy as the other Summers is."
He nodded. "How can you help us, Dawn?"
"Many ways." She came over to go over what she could do. Including creating a protected area if they had to. She could bring artifacts to her so they could be protected too. He had plenty in storage that needed held onto. She was studying them anyway. Her using them for her thesis paper amused him but he had done a good bit of schooling so he understood.
When his helper came in, he stuttered at Dawn. "Miss, I had no idea we had visitors," he said finally.
She looked at him. "Relax, dude. Really. I'm not here to flirt with him, screw him, or blackmail him. We're working on an upcoming problem. I'm not the skanky ho of Summers like my sister is." She grinned. "Okay?"
"Yes, Miss."
"Dawn," she said slowly and clearly. "Say it with me. Dawn."
"Miss Dawn," he said. He stared at his master, who looked amused. "Did you get sent?"
"Yes, one of the chaos mages I had been working with on protecting myself sent me after he got a vision about these things showing up soon to kill all magic and eat it. Frankly, I'm not a cheeseburger, even if I do look tasty sometimes." Strange walked off laughing. She grinned. "See, it'll be okay."
"Yes, miss. Should I prepare a room?"
She waved a hand. "No. Because that might tempt something to try to fondle me in ways I don't like. Like the tentacle I keep stepping on." She stomped down again. "It's friendly."
"It usually wants to eat people."
Dawn patted him on the shoulder. "Things like that like me. Them, mystical artifacts, all sorts of things like me." She walked off, following the master of the house. "So, your tentacle friend?" He shook his head, sipping his scotch on the rocks. "Are we breaking? I should go intrude on my sister's minions."
"We still have a few things to discuss. How did you get made?"
"Glory got realived. My sister died to kill her. Then Willow brought her back that time." Strange put down his glass hard, staring at her. "I didn't do that spell. But yeah, First Evil, Sunnydale." She shrugged. "The monks sent me to be her sister so she could protect me. I'm sure you've seen the bitchiness that comes out as?"
"I have seen her reactions toward your male friend."
"Xander? Yeah, he's like a super big brother." She smiled. "I used to crush on him but that means some day I'll be dangerous." Willow appeared so she shoved her into a closet and slammed the door.
Strange looked at the door then at her. "There's something in there hiding."
"She has enough magic to destroy the earth, she can handle it."
He grimaced but was trying not to smile. "Perhaps. We should talk about a few other matters. There's not many that know how you practice."
"I don't usually. My magic's pretty tied up but I can do ritual things to open myself to it easier. It means I have more time for flirting in college with guys who I shouldn't want to go out with."
"I had a few women of that sort during my undergraduate studies," he agreed. They went back to the office to go over more helpful things. Including how she had to reverse Rosenburg nearly destroying the earth. He wanted to hear how that had happened and how she had solved it. She really was interesting and didn't say a word about his cape.
***
Xander looked up from being kicked back on the main room couch, smiling at Pepper Potts as she stomped past him. "I'm just waiting on my big sister to finish her hair and stuff. We're going to some poetry thing she got invited to by some hipster wannabe as she described him." She was still giving him a funny look. "Oh, and I also returned or gave your head nerd in charge the power creating stuff I won earlier at kitten poker. Darcy put it into his lab for him to look over."
She blinked a few times. "You and your sister are hanging out a lot recently. Are you moving closer? I'll have you put on the security roster so you don't have to sneak in. Or however you got here this time since last time I think it was magic."
"It's been magic most of the times I've been here," he admitted with a smile. "But hey, that means that your head nerd can test against it so he can figure out how to block it out."
She nodded. "That might be a good idea, yes. What power creating thing?"
"I have no idea what it does." He smiled brightly. "But I won it instead of artillery."
She nodded. "I'll let him know it's down there tomorrow."
"Okay." He grinned at his sister when she came out, whistling at her. "Wow, you really dressed up to go hang out with me."
"Shut up." She swatted him. "I felt like being pretty."
"You're very pretty but not really lusty looking tonight. So is this a 'stare at my curves and rue the fact that you went gluten free night or a just stare at me and maybe buy me a small drink night?"
"I think the second."
He stood up, looking her over by walking around her. "Go change into that green dress I bought you and appropriate, non-grandma shoes." She rolled her eyes but went to do that. He grinned at Pepper. "I got her a come hit on me dress last year for her birthday."
"Some girls need it if they're not taken. And sometimes to get their boyfriend's attention too," she admitted, going back towards the kitchen. "Have fun, be careful. Call if you run into super villains."
"The last one of those I ran into squealed happily," Xander quipped. She nearly dropped her pot of water for tea. He grinned. "He was really a huge squealer and loved to cuddle after sex. It was great. Two weeks of great but now he's off trying to take over Uganda again." Someone in the ceiling choked. "Ceiling Cat?" he asked. "Do you still take normal hoomin prayers?"
"That's probably Clint," Natasha said as she walked into the kitchen. "Where are you and your sister going?"
"Poetry thing she invited me to. So, should I call you if the next super villain I run into isn't interested in squealing?" he asked with a grin.
She looked at him. "No flirting. I'm not dangerous enough for your usual sort," she said dryly but was smirking a tiny bit. He grinned back. Darcy came out and she blinked. "Date?" she asked.
"I needed to feel pretty," Darcy said.
Xander looked her over and nodded, pulling her hair back on her. She swatted at him but oh well. "Not like I didn't learn on the vainest of all bitches, sweetie."
"You sound way gay when you call me that," Darcy complained.
"Only sometimes." He smirked. "Okay, you're hot and people will think that you're with a loser so they'll try to lure you away with that tactic. Got everything just in case? Phone charged, breath mints, emergency toothbrush and stuff, condoms and lube, all that?"
"Yes," she said patiently. "I'm the older one." She swatted him on the arm but they left together.
A few minutes later Clint appeared out of a vent. "Oh my god, I did not *need* to know that Henricks squealed and liked to cuddle!" he complained, shuddering all over. He couldn't do that in the vents, they were too tight.
Natasha blinked at him but sipped her tea. "Why would you know such details?"
"Xander said his last super villain ex was squealy and liked to cuddle after sex for the two weeks they were boinking but he's now trying to take over Uganda," Pepper said dryly.
Natasha let out a tiny shudder. "Yes, I did not need that information either but we can put that into the file so someone can possibly sex bait him." She walked off trying to clear her mind of that information. She did add that fact to Xander's file as well. Perhaps they could find him someone who wasn't a horrible human being to take as a consort so he could calm down. The responding note back she got via email said that SHIELD was not in the business of setting up dates for rogue fighters who, if he had been an agent, probably would've been SHIELD and possibly an Avengers initiative member. But that if they ran into someone compatible they'd introduce them.
Natasha smiled at that good work and uploaded a photo from the security cameras earlier. She had to label Lewis' picture but that was usual. She got an immediate email asking if they were dating and she had to point out that Darcy was Xander's older half-sister. That was noted to be uploaded to her file and his, just in case. Natasha did warn them that he was a highly overprotective little brother with access to higher weapons if someone hurt her. They sent back a 'thanks, have seen that before' and left it there. She went to have tea while she was watching a movie. It was nicer that way for her poor mind.
***
Xander pulled Darcy away from the bad guy that was trying to take the club hostage and looked at her. "Go to the bathroom," he ordered. She nodded, hurrying that way. Xander shot the one trying to stop her in the knee. "Don't touch my sister. I get mad." They all stared at him. He looked at the bad guy. "You had to do this in front of my sister? She doesn't like to see me when I have to fight, Brad." The bad guy of the day whined and came over to hug him. Xander swatted him but hugged him back. "You should go."
"She's in the tower."
"Yes, she's a simple lab assistant who is unpaid and just makes brownies." He pulled back to look at him. "Don't threaten my sister. You won't like it. Remember what I did to that group in Homin that threatened a slayer I don't even like?" Brad and most of his people shuddered. "I adore my big sister. She's my favorite person in the world. I would've set her up with Jesse." He gave him a look. "Don't go near my sister. And if this was a plan to get her here, just go. I can pretty well guarantee she's called her boss and her boss is dating an Asgardian. You know how possessive they can be too."
"Yeah, I do," he admitted. "C'mon, people. We're going to retreat before his sister's friends get here."
"I don't think so," an officer said as he stopped in. "You're a terrorist."
"I'm a nationalist!" He glared at him. "I'm a member of all the right patriot groups, sir. How dare you insult me."
Xander poked him. "Don't argue with the NYPD. They'll kill you." He gave him a pointed look. "The press may complain but not for long."
"Point. Minion Three, go make sure his sister is escorted out of here safely," he ordered. "Do not look like you're taking her hostage. Make sure she gets home just in case."
"Yes, sir," he said, snapping off a salute and heading toward the bathroom area.
"Thanks." Xander grinned at him. "So why did you want my sister?"
"She has information we can use to get the failed experiments on our side."
Xander swatted him on the head. "No. Bad villain." Brad glared at him. He stared back. "Keep it up, I'll sign you up to help fight the next apocalypse battle." Brad shuddered. "I'd miss you but threatening my sister...." He grinned.
"No, I would not, Xander," he said quietly, inching away from him. "We will find another way to get those ones on our side."
"Sure, you send him emails and stuff." He nodded, leaning against a chair. "Have fun with that." He waved. They ran out, running over the officer. He shook his head and put money on the table for the server. "I'm guessing you're not his."
"No," she squeaked. "Who're you?"
"I used to be a watcher, the guy that trained slayers at home." He shrugged. "Have a better night, ma'am. And hey, you can tell people that you were nearly taken hostage but got saved by a totally weird guy." He looked at the officer, who was still glaring at him. "What? I didn't do it! My sister got invited so I came with her to shoo ineffectual little toads off her ass."
"You clearly knew him."
"Yeah, we dated last year for about two months. He's another that won't give blow jobs but he at least treated me like I was a human instead of a pet." He stared at him. "One of my other ex's, who was an assassin for Greece, got me free of him so I paid him back with a fantastic two weeks in Bali." He smiled. "It's just like that around me sometimes. That's why I handle it myself."
"We need to talk to you, sir."
"I need to call my sister to let her know that. She'll worry."
"I'm sure." He grabbed Xander and hauled him outside to talk to the team.
Xander smiled and waved at one. "Hey, Gary. It was Brad. He wanted my sister Darcy to help him get close to Rogers or someone over there."
The SWAT team member stared at him. "Brad? Helmet guy?"
"Other Brad. Patriot guy."
"Oh! Him. Yeah, I thought I recognized the minion." He stared at him. "Why did he know about your sister?"
"Some agency noted that we were half-siblings in their files. You know they all have leaks."
"Point. All right. How many people did you hurt?"
"One minion I got in the knee. I sent Darcy to the bathroom to set off her panic button and Brad sent one of his minions off with her to make sure she got home when the nice officer here came in to save us."
"Sure." He looked at the officer. "Let him go." He huffed but let Xander go. "Do you still have incident handling immunity? We heard you walked."
"I haven't had to check. That might depend on if the menace has remagiced the president again. But at least he's not a puppy now."
Gary moaned. "Oh, damn."
"Yeah but hey, she's not attacking here like she did in Paris."
"True. That's a good thing," one of his coworkers agreed.
"And when the beings that eat magic show up, maybe she'll be fed to them first. It might uncloud a lot of spells." He smiled. "I might offer her up as a trojan horse."
Gary stared at him. "You need to sleep, Xander."
"Each time I do I get woken up by a spell trying to kill me."
"Uh-huh. You can come have our couch."
"Gary, man, I don't want to have your wife hurt. Or your kid. By the way I hear congrats are in order for a second time."
"I haven't heard that. How did you?"
"I got an alert from the slayer bulletin boards. I can't turn those off."
"I understand why. I get a lot of those myself." He stared at him. "We'll figure out how to let you sleep safely. Go check on your sister."
Xander nodded. "I'm just hoping the contract the menace and the bitch put on her is gone. I made sure they knew not to touch her."
"I'll keep that in mind in case I see her attacked by a demon somewhere, Xander. Go check on her and have her help you nap." He nodded, heading off to hike back. It was a few miles but that was fine. Gary looked at his team. "He trained the slayers who stayed at home." They just nodded. "He walked after ten years of verbal abuse by the two top cunts at the Council."
"Who's his sister?" one of them asked.
"She's the brunette that got escorted out," another one said. "I've seen her somewhere but not sure where."
"Okay," Gary said. "We can look that up, just in case we run into her because she's like her brother and draws things like Brad there." He walked off. His bosses were already calling him to talk to him about Xander and that other guy.
***
Darcy was pushed into the tower by the minion, who ran off. She shook her head but smiled at the tower's guard team at the desk. "Xander had me evacuated when his decent enough screw showed up to take me hostage. He should be back soon if the NYPD hasn't arrested him for handling it for them." She ran her pass then got onto the elevator, heading upstairs. She ran into Thor in the elevator near the main floor. "Hey, Big Guy."
"Lady Darcy." He looked her over. "Did your date not go well?"
"I went out with Xander but the one who invited me turned out to be a ploy to get Steve." He groaned and shook his head. "Xander had me evacuated by a minion."
"That is good of him. Though I know you can protect yourself." Her phone rang so she dug it out of her purse to look at. She hit the button for the lobby. "He's returned?"
"We're going clubbing. Which means he really could use a cuddle by someone who wants to do more and could probably use a nap." She got off and strolled off, heading for the club he had found on his hike home. "Laters, guys," she told the guard team. "I'm going clubbing with my bro."
"Sure," one agreed. "Be safe, Lewis."
"I'll try, but I reserve the right to pounce someone. I don't look this fabulous every day. It'd let some guys gain immunity." She got out the door, flagging down a cab and getting in when one stopped. "I need to go to Club Heyday."
"Sure," the cabbie agreed. He drove off.
***
Darcy limped in the next morning, about five in the morning, but leaning on her brother's arm. They were both grinning madly. Darcy had a few bruises but they looked like play bruises instead of fighting ones. Her mascara was trying to run, her lipstick was messed up, and she wasn't wearing her bra any longer. Xander looked like normal, only more relaxed and happy. Darcy waved at the guards before running her pass and getting them both to her apartment. She stepped in and paused then backed up a step and closed the door. She looked up and Xander sighed. "Do you know that big, fuzzy thing?"
"Yeah, it's not totally harmful and might've disappeared." He opened the door again, leaning in to look around. He walked in and the demon showed back up. "You're freaking out my sister."
"Oh! We thought you were dating so we wanted to meet her. Sorry, Knight."
Xander patted him on the wrist. "She's my big sister." He helped Darcy in and to her bedroom then came back out. "So what's up, Homer?"
"The witch is doing something wrong."
"The Red Menace often does."
"The other witch."
"Oh, Dawn?" He nodded. "What is she doing wrong?"
"She's using much magic around one who could take her out for that."
"She's helping the Sorcerer Supreme guy since we're about to be invaded by aliens who hate and eat magic."
"I have heard rumors. Can they not attack her?"
"Dawn has ways of creating protections."
"Ah!" He nodded and smiled. "That is fine. We will not be worried for her."
"Only worry if her sister finds her. You know how she is when she thinks Dawn might have taste in men."
"True. Is it true that the Powers over them are going to kill off many?"
"They're supposedly going to try for them being bitchy like Buffy." He shrugged. "I quit before I killed a few of them for that bitching."
Homer smelled him. "It is good you still handle things."
"Not like they teach the girls to. I taught mine better." Homer nodded, hugging him. "Aww, thanks, Homer. You cuddle very nicely."
"You need a rest," he said, looking at the human. "Very much."
"I know. Each time I sleep Willow does something to try to kill me."
"She is mostly hated on this realm."
"Don't tempt me to make a wish to send her off. We might need her for an apocalypse battle."
Homer snorted. "I understand. Try to rest before your mind goes to that same place that nearly brought those Ring people here." Xander smirked. "Please? We do not want to pay off those bets yet."
"I won't die from it, Homer, and I'm pretty sure I'll be more entertaining if I do get some sleep. Then I'd be going back toward evil. Now, I'm not good enough."
"I feel pity if others try you."
"Someone tried earlier," he quipped with a grin. "You should feel pity for their remains, yes."
Homer hugged him again. "Try to rest, Knight. Become more reasonably evil." He disappeared.
Xander slid out of most of his clothes to his boxers and went to the bathroom then came back to crash on the couch again. When the spell happened, something sent it somewhere else and they got to attack Rosenburg for a bit for ruining the huge political wedding event.
***
Stark barged into Darcy's apartment a bit after nine, making Xander snore but flip onto his side and cuddle back in. He stared at him. "You sleep that deeply?" he demanded. "The super spysassins don't."
"That means he doesn't consider you a threat," Darcy said as she came out of her bedroom. "He only wakes up when it's a threat and this is the first sleep he's gotten in days thanks to the redheaded twat, Stark, so what did you need this early this morning? Because it's my day off from Jane and science."
"I'm going to work up something so I can block magic out."
"Go you," she said with a smirk. "Have fun with that. Will whatever energy thingies he won at poker help with that?" The demon from last night showed up and covered Xander gently in a very soft blanket. "Thank you." She patted him on the arm. "That's very sweet of you unless it's meant to hurt him."
"It's woven with a sleep spell so he has to rest. And also so he won't wake up when that group goes after Rosenburg for disturbing their highly important political marriage last night."
"Was that the spell she tried to shoot at him this time?" Homer nodded. "Then I'm sure Xander was sorry he sent it at them. I can wake him up so he can apologize if you want."
"No! Do not wake him up." He shook his head. "Please, Lady, do not! He has not slept right in months thanks to the redheaded witch. He is so far into the wrong state that he can't even go evil now." She winced. "So please let him sleep, Lady?"
"I really don't have a title," she said.
"You are the female Knight, which is a Lady," he said firmly. "He has earned his title. As you have by what we have seen of your doings." He smiled shyly at her, offering her a flower he conjured. "Thank you for saving those animals as well, Lady Darcy." He disappeared.
She sniffed it with a smile, going to find something to put the flower into.
"What animals?" Stark asked.
"When Loki attacked us in New Mexico I made sure all the animals in the store there were rescued first by putting them with fleeing citizens." She trimmed off a tiny piece of stem and put it into water. It bloomed and smelled great. "That's so great. I need to plant some of those." She prepped the cut piece of stem and put it into some dirt that held her fern.
Stark looked at her oddly. "You rescued the animals instead of yourself?"
"Yeah, they needed it!" She stared at him.
"Uh-huh. So does insanity run in your family or his?"
"Not sure," she admitted then smiled. "Just for that, you owe me a pound of Kona beans."
"Fine, whatever." He flapped a hand. "How do I stop them from appearing?"
"I don't know! That's not my field of interest. Go ask someone like the guy in the cape that's not Thor. Because at least Thor's cape matches his outfit."
Stark slumped, staring at her. "Really?"
"Yeah. He's the Sorcerer Supreme or something."
"Huh." He walked off rubbing his head again. Lewis and her sibling was going to give him a stroke. Maybe that new device on his workbench would give him some headache easing.
Darcy looked up a few hours later at the tower rumbling. "What did Stark do this time?" she demanded. "FRIDAY?" she called.
"Mr. Stark was looking over the device that your brother left last night and activated it by accident. We now have a portal of unknown origins downstairs, Miss Lewis. He wanted to know how to shut it off."
"I have no clue and Xander only knew it created energy." She looked at the still sleeping brother, checking for a pulse. "That sleep spell rocks. I'll have to remember that. FRIDAY, is Jane down there?"
"Yes, of course, Miss Lewis. She ran down at the first rumble and is staring in awe at something that's nearly her life's work but not the bridge."
"Off button," Xander mumbled. "Or take out the battery." He flipped onto his other side. "Why am I so tired?"
"You're catching up," Darcy said, kissing him on the cheek. "Let me go help. You nap." He nodded, blowing an air kiss at her. She put on shoes and headed down to the labs, pushing Steve out of her way. She walked over to the device, taking it to look over. Then she took out Stark's pocket knife to open the little flap, which exposed the battery, just like it did on most devices. She pried the battery out and handed it to Jane, the device to Stark, and put the knife down on the table before walking off again.
"Darcy, where did this come from?" Jane called after her.
"Xander won it at kitten poker."
Jane whined. "Why?" she complained. She slumped, looking at the device and where the portal had been. "Damn it!"
"We can study it then put the battery back once we have a secure place to activate it," Stark said, taking the battery back. "Let's start with scanning it in case opening the case would cancel it." She nodded, following him to that area of the labs. Bruce followed mumbling impolite things in Hindi.
Steve looked at the others gathered and shrugged. "It looks like it's not an emergency. We can ask Xander later on what he knows about where it came from."
"The demon from last night dropped a blanket on him that holds a sleep spell," Hill said from the back of the group. "It could be hours. This barely woke him enough to answer a question."
"I could use that some nights," Steve admitted, frowning a tiny bit. "FRIDAY, please let me know when Mr. Harris wakes up?"
"Of course, sir," the AI agreed patiently.
"Thanks." He looked at Hill. "What's kitten poker?"
"Just what it sounds like," she admitted. "There are flesh eating species who are peaceful. Some eat out of hospitals, some eat out of the pound."
"Eww," he said. "But I guess I can understand that. They can't eat cows or chickens or even fish?"
"No clue," she admitted. "I don't know if anyone asked them."
"Huh." He walked off frowning. "I don't blame them for eating. They've got to be eating to stay alive and if they're peaceful I'm good with them as long as I don't have to see them eating cats."
Hill nodded, looking at the guard she knew was a half-demon on her team. He grimaced. "It's not something I want to watch either."
"Me either," he agreed. "I'll call someone to see what that thing's supposed to do. The portal makers use a bigger device that looks like a generator." He walked off taking out his cellphone to call his mother.
Hill went in to tell Stark that. If it was broken that might explain a lot.
***
Steve was out for a jog that night, still waiting on Xander to wake up, when he found two punks bothering an obvious demon. "What the hell are you two doing?" he demanded. The demon flinched away from him. "You, you're fine as long as you're peaceful." He glared at the two human punks, who shrank away from him. "Hate crimes are always wrong, boys. Go home and learn to become real men. We only hurt those who're threats." They ran off. He looked at the demon. "Are you all right?" He nodded slowly. "Want walked home or to a safe place? I'm only jogging."
"You don't like our kind."
"I don't know hardly anything about any of you but I'm sure learning since meeting Darcy's little brother Xander."
"You attacked that one."
"Someone was yelling at him for snatching her purse and telling him to stop. I was trying to help her."
"Oh!" He blinked a few times and relaxed. "I was out to get my new mate something. She's cranky and about to go into heat for the first time. Thank you."
"You're welcome. You sure you don't want walked somewhere safe?"
"No, we have an enclave nearby but we don't allow humans near it. Thank you."
"You're welcome. All of us on the team are learning a lot about you guys thanks to getting to know Xander."
He smiled. "This Xander sounds nice."
"Yeah. I think it's nicer that he quit the Council though." He grinned. "He seems more relaxed now than when I first met him." He smiled. "Let me finish my run. Have a better night, sir." He jogged off.
"You as well." He waved his hand before rushing back to their enclave to report that. The Knight was in the city and he had taught others to respect them. His elders didn't believe until they called their contact in the city monitoring department to see the film of what had happened. Then they were all amused at the Knight's good graces. It was great of him.
***
Xander woke up with a yawn and was handed a cup of coffee as Darcy walked past him dressed for work. "How long did I sleep?"
"Two days." She grinned at him. "You really needed it so we let the blankie help."
He looked at the soft fur blanket over his lap, rubbing a hand over it. "That's a great gift." He put down the coffee before he could spill it and folded it up, getting up to put it up high in her closet. "That way it's safe." He came back out to get his coffee. "Two days?"
"Yup." She handed him a plate from the microwave too. "I made mini quiches last night."
"You're special," he said, kissing her on the cheek. "Thanks, Darce."
"You're welcome. I answered the one text message you got by telling them I was your sister and you were napping. He didn't answer back." She pushed her hair back over her shoulder. "I'm off to the labs. Are you going to shower and nap again?"
"Yeah, I...I might."
"Good! It means I don't have to nag you like your name is Jane." She poured more coffee and waved as she breezed out to go down to the labs.
Xander grinned but went to shower and change into the outfit he had left here the last time he had been in. Then he laid on the couch to watch some boring daytime tv while texting at that contact. Who wasn't amused she had his phone. He pointed out he was deeply asleep for the first time in months and she was his sister so he trusted her. It only got a huff though. Apparently that sometimes lover hated that she worked here, considered it a disturbing and tainting thing.
***
Darcy was upstairs in the kitchen making Jane's lunch when Thor went stomping outside. "Thor?" she called. "Is Jane having a fit? I'm fixing her lunch."
"No!" he called. "Stay inside for a few minutes."
"Sure." She finished the lunch in time for Stark to stumble past for coffee and steal the plate. Fortunately she had made herself lunch at the same time so Jane would still get to eat. At least until she had to call Jane. "Incoming Bridge," she reported. Jane rushed up with a scanner to take readings, making Thor grunt in irritation. Not at Jane but that someone else was there. Then her brother came strolling out with his axe in hand. So yup, something huge. She went to rescue Jane. She got to see Xander haul off and hit the young warrior that stepped off the bridge, knocking him back onto it.
"No, I don't think we need *you* down here. You'd only embarrass your people worse than Loki did. So go the fuck home, little mantwat, so we don't have to put up with your skanky ass."
The warrior pouted. "Xander," he moaned.
"Hell no!" He pointed. "Tell Heimdall I said hi and he still owes me a striptease from that poker game." The warrior was nearly crying.
Thor looked at him. "How did that bet come about?"
Xander grinned. "Ask him. He told me I was not to tell anyone anything about that night or that battle." The warrior was moving closer so Xander pulled up his axe to look at then give him meaningful looks. The warrior threw the bag he carried at Thor and scurried home like Xander was going to castrate him, hands over his dick to protect it and all. Xander looked at Thor. "So many of your warriors aren't worthy of anything, much less breeding." He walked off. "Tell Sif I said hi too."
"Would she know of that bet?" Thor called after him.
"Yeah. Her group got there to help just after the brilliant plan went off and we started to win again."
Darcy looked at her brother's backside. "Did I hear about that one?"
"Nope. Sworn to secrecy, Darcy." He shot a smirk back at her. "By the way, that one that texted thinks you're being corrupted by working here. He thinks you're turning uptight and less cool." He went back to her apartment.
"I'm less free with things," she admitted. "But that's part of growing up sometimes. Especially when you work all the time. Right, Jane?"
"Shut up, Darcy." She took readings until all the energy from the bridge disappeared. She looked at Thor. "Would that mean he was on Asgard?"
"Perhaps. I should ask about that." He opened the bag to take out the letters, the box of cookies, and the small bottle that held an unlabeled potion. "I have no idea what that is for." He settled on the couch to read the letters. One of them explained the potion so it went into his safe until he could talk to Jane about it. Darcy handed Jane her plate on the way past the kitchen to the labs. "I'll see you for dinner, Jane."
"Thanks, Thor." She was nibbling while they walked. She had to plug in the scanner to get the readings so that was a good time to eat. Besides, Thor gathering her for dinner meant that she'd need some energy to enjoy his body. It was good for her to eat.
Behind her back, Darcy was grinning at her devious plan to get Jane out of the lab for a bit. She'd ask Xander about that bet later. Heimdall naked? Sure, she wanted that mental image for later.
***
Jane looked up from studying her new data when an alarm started. "What's that alarm? Is Stark blowing us up or are we being invaded?"
"According to the building wide text message, we're being invaded by weird people. So safe room." They shut everything down and was in the safe area in their lab before anyone made it to the lab floor. Which meant she got to miss seeing her brother in action again. Though the AI was shooting film to her phone so she could keep track. Just not on her brother. She heard him a few times.
Up the hallway, Xander was circling around his former girlfriend. "What the hell are you doing here, Ari?"
She pouted at him. "I came to meet the new chick in your life, Xander." She smiled and ran her nails over his cheek. "Is she good to you?"
"Darcy's my sister, Ari."
"Oh!" She blinked a few times then smiled. "Even better. Come peacefully before I have to my girls take hostages? They'd *love* some superheroes."
"I'm sure they would," he agreed dryly. "But I've got another day of hanging with my big sister before I'm back on duty. She even made sure I slept since I haven't been."
"Hmm, I can encourage naps in a few ways. As you know." She moved closer, smiling at him. It showed off the diamonds glued to her top canine teeth. "You know I'm really good at it."
He smirked. "You were, but the last time I spent a few days hoping I'd crap out the diamonds I swallowed by accident. You know, others use sparkly, less expensive stones to vajazzle and do their teeth."
"They're posers. Real women have real diamonds."
"Which I can't give you."
She groped him. "You've got better than diamonds, baby."
He kissed her hard and fast, which let Bucky knock her out. He spit out the diamond too. "You need better tooth glue. That's the fourth I've gotten off you." He looked at the women, who were still fighting. "Keep it up, make me make Ari retire, ladies." They all stared at him. He smirked. "I will. I could use a harem lord and she's offered more than once." They groaned but he grinned.
"I'm sure she'd bring some of you with her. Since I'm *retired* now, I could probably start something that needed beautiful, talented minions." They came to glomp on him for that opportunity. Ari had shared the one time she had drugged Xander; she'd had to because the sex gas had been too strong. He had worn them all out. Steve stepped in with Bucky and Clint to pull the women off and arrest them.
Clint looked at him. "What did you do to them?" he demanded.
"Ari was making a sex gas to distract people she wanted to rob. It was a bit strong. She had to share. We were in Belize, on a pretty beach, and I spent two damn weeks wearing myself out." Most of the women moaned. "And them. All of them." Clint gaped, staring at him, making a tiny noise. "And the two undercover agents who were trying to infiltrate that I took with me to protect them. Oral sex. A lot of oral sex."
Clint swallowed his drool. "Damn."
"Definitely. Is there an antidote if she hits us with that gas?" Stark demanded.
"A lot of sex," Xander said, grabbing the canister from Ari's hand. "No. There's no one here I'd have to wear out, Ari."
"I'd volunteer us again," she moaned. "It was so good." The other women nodded they agreed. Xander was actually blushing so she got free to kiss him again. "We were good together. I can help you take over so you do need minions."
"I'm still considering options. And I have to finish handling a few problems before the redheaded menace tries to take me out again. She even tried to have my sister killed."
"She'd never meet up to my standards so therefore should go," Ari said bluntly. "We can work on that for you, dear."
He grinned. "Don't take my fun, Ari." She moaned and nodded, cuddling up to him again to kiss him. "You need better tooth glue." He spit out another diamond, handing it to her. She tucked it into her bra and kissed him again. During it Bucky handcuffed her with Clint's help. They hauled her back and handed her to Hill.
"Arianna Melina," Hill said dryly. "Welcome to Stark Towers."
She snorted, staring at her. "You couldn't beat me in a fair fight, Agent Hill. That's why you sent that pretty blonde cunt to fit in. She did very well. Maybe she'll give you lessons."
"I don't need lessons to be a slut. I don't use my body that way." She hauled her off. "Harris, I want a report on that."
"I'm pretty sure at least one of those agents were yours, Hill," he said dryly. "Considering I escorted her back to your building and we still keep in touch sometimes." He blew kisses. "Be good girls, that way you get out sooner, ladies." They mostly blew kisses back. Darcy came stomping up the hallway. "Hey, Sis. Darcy, this is Ari. She was nearly a real date but she doesn't date. Ari, this is my sister Darcy. I'm more protective over her than I am over Faith. She's a normal lady sort."
Ari looked her over. "She'd look so good as one of my girls. I could give you a lot of battle training, Darcy." She smiled. "I don't have too many brunettes but we do a lot of good things as well as some seriously naughty ones. Last month we held a strip contest to get nuclear plans off someone who really should've known better since he can't even spell nuclear."
"Are you Octopussy?" Darcy asked, cracking her up.
"A worthy role model but my girls are multi talented, not just assassins." She winked at her. "Look me up if you need that sort of training." She spotted Natasha coming off the elevator with Pepper. "Hmm. She could give you the same training but it'd be harsher and it wouldn't let you take pleasure from anything at the same time. I'm a much nicer mistress. If I seriously dated and had relationships I'd have taken in your brother in a heartbeat."
"We'll see. You guys have fun playing with SHIELD while I take Xander back to my apartment. He's supposed to be sleeping. Rosenburg didn't let him sleep for over a month. Not more than a nap now and then when he collapsed."
Ari moaned. "I'm so going to handle that little bitch." She kissed Darcy, then smiled at her. "Nice. You have a good bit I could teach you." She strolled off, pulling Hill, who hauled her with her instead. The bad guys were not in charge of their arrests.
Darcy looked at her brother once the others were gone. "Was that nearly my sister-in-law?"
"Yeah. She almost was. She's really good to me and I like most of what she does. Even if now and then she does handle problems with a striptease."
Clint stared at him. "Sex gas? Really?"
"Really. God damn stuff was so strong it leaked out of the house and hit a dolphin pod who ended up breeding to the point of dying from it. It's probably the only time that blue balls could kill you. Because it raises your blood pressure if you go without for more than an hour or so. It was like all four years of puberty crunched into two weeks of hell." Clint shuddered. "That shit was certifiably nasty. Thankfully the only two copies of the formula are in her mind and in my safe."
"Where's that safe?" Stark demanded. "Before someone breaks into it?"
"It's in the city and someone tried really hard but got denied." He grinned at Steve. "By the way, I got a text message to say thank you from that one you saved. He was very impressed you were actually a nice guy." He looked at Stark again. "The formula's safe, Stark. Even I have trouble getting to my safe and it's mine."
"Still, I'd like to make sure, or maybe make an antidote," Stark said.
"Which means you'd have to make a batch and it might get out. Your tower gets attacked a lot." Clint covered his laughing with coughing as he walked off. "Why would I want that released around my sister? She might break all of you then have to pout." Darcy hit him on the arm. "What? I nearly did!"
"I probably couldn't break them too much. Too many of them have self healing gifts," she said dryly, hitting him again. "Do I know where this safe is?"
"It's in my will so you can get into it to empty and hand over what you need to so you're safe." She stared up at him. "Seriously. My list of former lovers is in there too."
She winced. "Blackmail?"
"A few of them would get some hell for sleeping with me but no. Not really." He gave her a hug. "My axe will automatically fly in there too so you can pick it up." She poked him with a huff. "That way you're protected from wannabe warriors that think they're hot and shouldn't even be allowed near people because they're that stupid and weak. Like the one earlier." Thor nodded as he walked up the hallway nibbling a cookie.
"Still, Xander."
"Hey, we all know I do stupidly honorable things with a sword or an axe, Darcy. How many times have you seen a battle I've been in and hoped I walked away?"
"Most of them."
"Which is why I have a will and six spots that are hiding stuff for you mentioned in it. The seventh I haven't set up yet. I should but I haven't decided where or how. Maybe I'll ask one of those two agents. We still email and sometimes we screw if we're in the same area and they need some stress relief."
She poked him again. "You're being depressing so I don't ask you about my almost sister-in-law." He grinned. "C'mon, we'll go talk about those. That way I know to run there before someone can block your will."
"I still want to see anything like a weapon in them," Stark ordered.
"Don't work for you, Stark," she quipped. "Neither of us do. I work for Jane."
"Jane says if that sex gas gets out, Jane's going to kill someone after she kills her boyfriend in bed," Jane called. "Please someone make an antidote."
"I don't think it's possible," Xander called. "And that's why I have it sealed in my safe, Jane."
Jane looked out at him. "Please let Stark see it? That way I get the portal making ball all to myself?"
"With your luck, he'd make it and something would break in here and break the beaker to spread it," he said dryly with a smirk and a wink. "Then you'd all be sorry." Darcy shuddered. "Yeah. Seriously."
"Vision?" she asked with a wince.
"Yup, sure was. And while the mental porn was nice of the beings who send me visions, I didn't really want to see you having that sort of sex, sis."
She huffed but grinned. "Yeah, I feel the same after walking in on you and that guy."
"That guy...oh, Dennis. French frogman guy. Yeah, he wasn't great but it was fun for a few days and it paid for me to get higher weapons for that battle in Bolivia." Jane was giving him the most horrified look. "Sex before a battle is a good thing, Jane, and it would've been about twelve mil without it, and we still didn't have enough weapons but he was watching so donated and only asked for another week with me. Which wasn't bad since he took care of my injuries."
He shrugged. "I'm a practical man. Sex is good, especially when you're about to possibly die, and if it's me going on my knees or the world ending, I'll take some semi-decent sex. Because most of the ones that demand it as a price for the weapons aren't that great at it. And most won't give blow jobs or really care about if I get off. Going into battle sexually frustrated has led to a *number* of wins for the slayers."
Darcy hugged him. "It's better now."
"It is. Now, if they want weapons, they can go sex up an arms dealer. It might make a few of them less cranky."
She walked him off cuddling him. "It's okay. We can make sure the ones that want you now only want you for the good reasons."
Jane made a whining noise, looking up the hall at Thor and the others.
"Yeah, sometimes you gotta do it," Clint agreed with a nod. "Some agents have had to too, Jane." She slumped, going back to her lab. He looked at Stark. "If you do get the formula, you are not to make a single drop, Stark. Xander's visions are never wrong, just off time sometimes." Stark winced. "Really. Never, ever make a drop or we'll lock you and the formula up together with Pepper and flee like hell before the tower gets invaded."
"I wonder if it's built off the Svartalfheim bonding fluids," Thor said, finishing that cookie.
Steve looked at him. "They drug you for marrying?"
"Arranged marriages often aren't friendly at first," Thor said. "So it helps with that and that a child would be on the way sooner instead of later."
Steve shook his head. "No thanks. Stark, don't make that gas." He went to help Hill deal with the slinky minions who all wanted Darcy's little brother.
Clint looked at Natasha. "I wonder which agent we sent down to them."
"Blonde isn't definitive with hair dye," she said. "Though there's not many female agents who could handle an undercover for that long or that went that bad. Or ones that are Harris' type of dangerous and only slightly evil."
"You think it was Bobbi?"
"You'd have to ask her or Hill," Natasha said. "I hadn't even heard about that operation."
He nodded, walking off as he thought about how few agents fit the 'light evil' category. "Maybe I'll text her. I haven't talked to her in a while. If she's into Xander, it might be good for both of them."
"I don't need to know," Stark decided, going back to his lab to lock himself inside and throw a fit. Why had those women invaded here? He sent out a message to Hill, who sent back what they had been going for. "They were going to steal an arc reactor so they could test it for other uses," he said dryly. "Really." He looked around. Then he got into a computer to find the one that was missing from the case. He found it and blew it up, making her go up in the cab. Pity. He didn't let those out for a very good reason. He sent that at Hill and left it there. She could have it cleaned up by someone. He almost wondered if she had left a lone survivor sort of minion who'd come break the others out of jail but if so, they probably wouldn't come for Darcy or Xander at least.
***
Banner and Hill knocked on Darcy's door that night, getting her. "What's up, guys?"
"Is your brother still here?" Hill asked.
"Yeah, he's in the shower because he's leaving in a few hours." She let them inside. "Xander, visitors," she yelled. She went back to finishing dinner so her poor brother could eat before he left. It was nice he was getting regular nutrition again.
Xander came out of the bathroom in a towel. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"We'd like to get into the information you're keeping safe," Hill said. "Just to note that someone has it if it's not been heard about. Not to put into a file so it can be leaked but so we know that you have something that could potentially help us some day."
Xander stared at her. "They're for Darcy's use after I die, Hill. Nothing in there should help you now."
"No weapons plans or anything?"
"Very few and still, not something you can use unless it's a last resort and I'd better be dead or I'd be getting it out myself."
"We also wanted to see if we can figure out why you don't react like normal to medicines. It could be important some day," Bruce said.
Xander considered that. "The virus that's in everyone's systems if my blood is run may be no longer in existence. It's the same little magical computer imp Willow uses to remove battle footage and talk about the slayers. As for why I react funny?" He leaned against the wall. "There's a few reasons. Three past possessions. One genetic infiltration. Two events in Africa. Being splashed with demon blood a few times during battles." He stared at him.
"Beyond that, I don't tend to go to hospitals. Normal people freak out about my former job. Especially ER people when they have to start wondering about claw marks. A few I excused as animal attacks but some you really can't hide, especially if the doc was on site during the battle." He shrugged some. "I'm not sure if you could even run my blood with all that tainting it. It might not register as human in some systems. I know that happened when I had malaria but they decided it was a computer glitch."
Bruce stared at him. "Genetic infiltration?"
"I was nearly turned into a mermaid. Well, I guess it's merman since I'm a guy." He frowned but let it clear up. "The swim coach *really* wanted to win. I joined the team to see why they were turning into black, slimy monsters that ate people. That's a pretty minor problem but since then I've been hit with enough demon blood to possibly register as some weird crossbreed."
"Can we try?" Hill asked. "It might really matter after some battle, Harris."
Xander shrugged. "You can try but it had better not get anywhere."
Bruce shook his head. "No, I'm looking at it as a research subject. I'm not going to write a paper about you." Xander smirked at him. "Is that scar a knife wound?" he asked with a point at one.
Xander looked then pointed. "The big one? No, it was a demon that had arm blades trying to take out one of my minis. It wasn't a long battle but I woke up and didn't have a weapon. It was one you could've shot but my gun was way too far out of reach."
Bruce stared at him. "Seriously?"
"Yeah, seriously. Him and his chained pet the biter."
"Was that in those journals?" Hill asked.
"Um...no. Those were sanitized, Hill. I'd never say that to the bitches that thought I was worthless and normal, I didn't want to hear all the shit they'd spew. There's whole months that aren't covered by those and frankly, if the bitches heard I'd be hunted down and killed because one of those I had to cover up was marrying one of the minis to protect her from the leeches around her. It wasn't formal, it wasn't legal, but it was done to protect her and then I moved her ass somewhere else and let the other slayers raise her." Hill winced. "But it was that or she'd be married off to someone who'd kill her pretty fast for being strong and unable to bear kids. I talked with her about it and she agreed it was the only way to save her."
"Is she still alive?" Darcy asked. "You should've told me that, I would've helped the kid."
"She was fourteen, Darcy. It was solely to protect her and nothing happened more than I hugged her. I think I kissed her on the forehead once. She's actually dating a really nice guy now. I still get emails from her and the others down there."
"Wow," Hill said. "That was an emergency and yeah, that's a way an agent would've handled it."
"I think most of yours would've probably done something like sneak her out of the village but I couldn't manage that."
"No, I get that. You did the right thing in that case," Hill said. "Would you like to test to be an agent?"
"No, that would turn me against my lovers that still talk to me."
"Point." She grimaced. "When's the next bigger battle for yours?"
"Three days and the PTB are going to try to take out a lot of the slayers."
"PTB?" Bruce asked.
"Powers That Be, the assholes who pick and destiny the slayers," Darcy told him. "They hate the ones that are bitchy, pushy, and the ones that prove self will. They'll try to kill Xander too if he's there."
"Xander has a way around it," he told her.
"I'm sure you do," she agreed. "You'd better or I'll summon your ass back. First Evil be damned." She heard something in the hall and went to open the door, pulling in the slayer that worked in PR. "Hey, so lurking?"
"Hey, Misty," Xander said with a nod.
"You did what with one of the mini slayers?" she demanded.
"Ems, you've seen her on the bulletin board?" She nodded, still glaring at him. "She was about to be married off to some asshole who would've killed her. Her mother made sure he would kill her if she didn't become a normal woman suddenly. So I stepped in to fight for her, got non-legally hitched to her, then I took her to Patrice and let Patrice have her to finish raising. I never touched her, I didn't do more than hug her, and once I think I kissed her on the forehead. It was only to save her and I talked to her beforehand about how to save her tiny ass." She gaped. He nodded. "Yeah. The same as I killed three priests to get Patrice out of a fire they had thrown her into. That's why she has those scars. It wasn't a fire set by the Bringers like the others thought. She wasn't going to correct the assumption because she's still getting flashbacks to them declaring her a great evil. Not everywhere is civilized."
She stared. "Why don't the others know about that?"
"Can you imagine what would happen if the blonde heard?"
"Oh, god, yes," she admitted. She handed back the journals, making him smirk. She pointed at Darcy. "Her idea."
"I know. That's why those two want to kill her." He put them onto a chair. "Those are sanitized so I didn't have to hear the whining, bitching, or be summoned back so I could be beaten for protecting the little minis. Apparently some of them think that an eight-year-old girl handled a slight case of invasion and I wasn't going to break that thought that I let her do that. They removed the footage anyway. Apparently without looking at it."
She winced. "I've seen them doing that."
"The one in three days, the PTB are going to try to take out a bunch of you. And me but most of you girls."
Misty grimaced. "I'm not going anyway. I'm guarding this city in case something happens. The two on duty here are going out."
"I sent out a warning. Whistler told them that himself." Misty moaned. "Yeah. They also tried to put a contract out to kill my sister."
"I heard. I've discouraged and I've heard." She shifted her weight. "So that was the cleaned up for bitchy young women version?" He nodded. "Some of those were really bad, Xander."
"Yeah, I minimized the ones I couldn't hide."
"Do you have a journal with those?"
"Online." He grinned. "My phone got livejournal."
"Congress wants to talk to them."
"GOOD!"
She clenched up. "Oh, damn."
"Yup. And at that point I'll release that journal to them." He smiled sweetly. She shivered. So was Hill. "And if I die before then the information on that site is listed in my book in one of my safes. Which my sister will have information to get into."
Misty looked at Darcy then at him. "We can release it earlier."
"Doing it before a battle will cause a ton of shit," he said.
"Yeah, it could, but it'd take the focus off the battles. Do you have copies of the footage?"
"Some, not all. They got to it before I could. As soon as the drive is plugged in, her little imp spell will eat it."
She considered it. "We have shielded systems. I can ask Pepper to use one."
"It gets into everything, even not-connected systems sometimes."
"Let me ask Stark to figure that out. Can we have those to PR the hell out of it? It'd probably make the normal people feel sorry for the girls."
He considered it. "I wouldn't mind some of that but if they come after me again, I'm going to have to do the PTB's work for them." She nodded. He walked back to the bedroom to get his phone, coming out in a pair of sweatpants as well. He got into his journal site and smiled. "Aww, she tried to eat it on me." He found the two backups were gone too. "Such a silly little witch." He took Hill's phone then Misty's phone to get into. He got her onto the site that has the full files. "That's the full, as in not even cleaned up, files. I was going to give you the still cleaner version."
She looked then up. "FRIDAY, can you please save everything on this site down immediately before the witches get it?" she called.
"Of course I have," the AI said. "Mr. Stark wanted to know about that as well. I've found remains of the other sites as well so they're also saved, Mr. Harris."
"Thanks."
"Is there another site you use?" the AI asked.
"Yes. It's an online storage area. It's on my phone's card."
"Ah! That's charming and it's saved as well. Also, Mr. Stark had me finding remains of those battles to save in a way she can't get to. An imp is no match to me. Miss Herrick, Sir said he would make them available to you tomorrow, once he's looked it over to make sure no one he knows was involved."
"Two probably could lead back to his competitors," Xander said. "One outright gave me weapons when I asked him because he didn't want to die. The other I baited and stole from."
"I've let him know and he said it might be a good thing."
"Make sure they can't get to it," Hill said. "I need to write a report as well so agents know how to help the girls that they run into. Because someone's got to do it without Harris rampaging around."
"You say some sweet things, Hill, but you're still not my type. You'd never relax and let me pamper you silly." He stared at her. "Some girlish times might relax you. Haven't you been to the spa in a while?"
"Last week," she said dryly. "I'm on edge around you because you have women like earlier show up to kidnap you. They might mistake me for one of them."
He grinned. "You'd have to be better and more slinky dressed for most of them, Hill. They don't do basic women and they don't do ones without taste and jewelry. Even I had to wear a suit for most of them."
She looked him over then shook her head. "I'd never be that sort of woman but I'll let Natasha know just in case." He grinned. "Let me go look over that footage with you, Misty. That way we can get it onto safer media sooner." She nodded, heading out with her.
Bruce looked at him. "You distract them very well."
Xander grinned. "I learned growing up with the redheaded one. I've known her since the first day of school, Dr. Banner. She was always like that. Distraction works wonders on her. I've gotten her out of bad spell casting in the past with succuba."
Bruce smiled. "That might distract many people. Especially Stark." He looked him over. "Can I still draw some blood?"
"If you must but you can't let it out."
"I won't. Even if I find out you're the cure to every disease, I won't let it out, Harris."
"Then fine." Banner left and came back with a tackle box he pulled things out of. Xander sat down, letting him pull blood. Then take a cheek swab. Bruce smiled and went back to the lab to get to work.
Darcy looked at him. "They're going to eat you."
"Possibly but maybe I'll go hide behind a boyfriend or something." He stared at her. "I still have to leave in two hours." He went to change into real clothes. His journals got put into his bag. Darcy had done all that evil herself and he was really proud of her for it.
***
Hill looked at Stark the next morning, pretty traumatized by that last battle. "I wonder which demon culture is taping him," she said finally.
He nodded, swallowing hard. "Yeah, so do I but it's very nice of them." He blinked at the frozen image of a naked Heimdall. "Damn it." He rubbed his eyes. "I can't unsee that."
"I know. Damn." She sipped her water. "Should we tell Thor?"
"No! He'll never be able to look at him in the face again. Though, I'm having bad thoughts about if all Asgardians are built that way."
"No, many aren't," she said. "Thor's symmetrical but no." She finished her water. "I promised Misty could view them today."
"I'll...hide that one a lot. Because, wow." He hide that file and locked it down. He got them both water and went back to watching the battles while Hill took notes.
***
Hill walked up to an agent she knew that night, handing over a normal spiral bound notebook. He stared at her. "What I saw when I got into patrol journals," she said quietly. "It's brain warping but that's to be transcribed and locked. Permanently locked."
He nodded. "I'll pass that on. How bad?"
"I'm going to find a tequila special. Then I'm going to get drunk enough to sing karaoke. Tell the boss that and he'll understand." She walked off. Darcy had suggested a bar up the street.
He went back to his base, handing over the notebook. "Hill said that's a full report on someone's patrol journals she saw, and it needs transcribed but permanently locked as higher than eyes only. She said she's going to get blasted on tequila and go sing karaoke."
Director Phil Coulson stared at him. "She's only done that twice. The incidents involved were so bad she had to drink them out of her head. Did she say anything else?"
"No, sir. Just that it's brain warping. I didn't look on the way back."
"All right, I can transcribe that and lock them. Thank you for meeting her for me." He nodded, going back to his rooms. Coulson opened the notebook to look at the note she had left on top. "Oh, Harris," he said with a smile. "Interesting. The ones he released were nicely cleaned up." He flipped through it, blinking at the notes she had made. One read simply 'naked Heimdall', but he could ignore that for now. By the end, he decided to not transcribe it, just lock that notebook up. Maybe he'd go get drunk and sing karaoke too. It might make the world make sense again. When the report on the bimbos who had invaded Stark Tower showed up on his desk, he sighed and locked his office down before going to find something to gulp by the gallon. Before those thoughts stuck in his head.
***
Bucky walked into Jane's lab, looking at Darcy. "Doll, where's the battle tomorrow? Steve's worried that we may need to step in."
She looked up at him. "It's entirely possible that they're going to be killing some of the slayers and whoever else is there, Bucky. Xander has an idea but still."
He licked his lips but nodded. "We could help that problem calm down."
"You could also really end up dead."
"True, but that's any day around here due to Stark blowing up a lab." Jane tried not to laugh. "So..."
"LA. Downtown LA like the invasion. Moving out toward the Hills area."
He nodded. "We'll see if we can help them. The girls don't deserve that just for being bitches." He patted her on the head. "We'd protect him too." He went to tell the others. They were arguing about how fast they could get to the battle from the tower. "It's in LA," he told them. "Heading toward the Hills area according to Darcy."
"I never considered asking her," Stark said dryly. "She sure?"
"That's what he told her apparently."
"So probably but he might've tried to cushion her," Steve said. "I wish we had a definitive source." A book thumped down in front of him. "Wow. Thank you, whoever granted that wish," he called with a smile and a wave. "We'd like to help the girls survive." He got into it, blinking at the list of upcoming battles. As written by someone in the next century. "Looks like it is LA but not downtown." He let the others have the book to look over.
"We can let SHIELD agents hold this city and Cleveland in case," Hill said quietly. "Your team can get to Malibu tonight." They all nodded. "Be safe, people. Demons are mean and Harris has so many scars it's not funny. Some I didn't even want to wonder about." They nodded, going to pack things so they could fly to the west coast.
***
Coulson looked at the mess around the still open portal and then across it. He looked at the agents and the slayers being field treated, and one guy who was trying to get away. "Harris, great plan, thankfully it couldn't spew back this way."
"I made sure before I requested that guy make me one."
"Who?" Coulson asked.
"No comment." He stared at him. "At all. Sorry."
"I understand that loyalty. We probably have him under watch anyway so I won't worry about it." Buffy started to rant but he held up a hand. "I am not going to punish someone for protecting this planet from things that want to end humanity, Miss Summers. Not your girls, not Harris, not the one he got the bomb that stopped this invasion from. For that matter, you should feel lucky he took into account that it could blow back. He protected you and the other ladies at the same time." He stared her down until she shrank away. He looked at Xander again. "Anything else to note?"
Behind him the portal was shrinking then closed with a pop. "The aliens are here who eat magic," he said. "That portal was too strong for the coven to close and they've been here since this morning. Strange is fighting them with everything he can. I gave him hints about what I saw in the vision."
"They eat magic?" Coulson asked to make sure. Xander nodded. "All right. That could cause many problems."
"Many," Xander agreed. "Including taking out a good portion of humanity. Thankfully he recruited help."
"Excellent. I'll have an agent go talk to him about that. I know last night he went to a play with a young woman." Xander grinned. "You saw?"
"I introduced since she's a protection specialist."
"Wonderful. We'll see what we can do to help them."
"They're from another plane. The head thug's family was killed by their Ministry of Magic sorts. They've decimated at least five realms so far."
"All right," he decided. "We can help them handle it wherever a muggle can." Xander grinned a bit. "How does this rate against Zaire?"
"You saw those?"
"I got the report about those." He stared at him.
Xander looked around then at him. "In Zaire I had three slayers who were teenagers that I didn't want anywhere near it and half a military unit because they scoffed until the demon killed their main council building. Then they panicked and sent me things that weren't real handy, like air support. Nearly killed those of us fighting until a general with sense stepped in and got them to do what they needed to. Sucks that the general in question was Fury but oh well I guess. Any port in a storm."
"I didn't know it was him, it wasn't mentioned."
"He didn't look like himself. He looked like Shaft."
"Figures. That's his downtime look," Phil agreed dryly. "Did they listen to him?"
"He shot the one in charge that tried to stop him in the knee. They whined a lot but admitted at the end he had good ideas and just had him run out of the country."
"Good. I'll have to ask him about that," he muttered. "Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. I can do the stitches I need." He glared at the person trying to hold him in place. "Really I can."
"No you can't," he ordered. "That's my job so sit there and shut up."
"Gee, you don't look like a slayer," he said dryly. "So fuck you." He looked at Coulson again as he stood up, leaning on his axe. "Anything else we need to know?"
"How were the higher ups going to use this to take out the slayers?"
Xander pointed. "See the green guy in the robes?" The agents all looked and nodded. "His touch is poisonous and he's an alien from another place. I shot him before he got any of the girls but that's why one of the agents fell. That one has a partner that's the guy in the blue robe." He pointed at him. "Who has multiple weapons on him and appeared to be trained highly in martial arts somehow. He's from a local, imported, demon species that are so badass even Norris would be in awe."
Phil nodded once. "Interesting. Are any of them interested in being agents?"
"No. Those who leave the order, because their whole species is like a buddhist temple but gender segregated, tend to turn into assassins. That one's got marks that state he's on a holy quest. That's the marks on his throat. Giles should be able to translate them to see who gave him the order."
"Thank you. That's very helpful." He handed him a card. "Tell me if something else is going to happen please. That way we know when to respond so we quit feeling useless while some young women protect us. That's my job as well as theirs."
Xander took it with a nod. "I'll forward copies of visions." He tucked it into his back pocket. "Or to the woofing bitch of battle since she's near my sister." He grinned. "Laters." He walked off. A few of the coven tried to get in his way but the agents there moved them. "Thanks, guys. Make sure they don't poison you. They've tried to get me a few times in the last day or so." He looked at one. "Someone really should remove the spells on them." He gave her a pointed look. "Before you fully turn evil." He found his car and drove off.
Coulson looked at Summers. "We'll make sure your girls are all right through the ER and get you evacuated back to Cleveland. Or wherever. That way no other agents can interfere or try to harm your people. I know that's a worry you have. Especially about the military."
"You don't know anything about us," she sneered.
"That's your fault, Miss Summers. There's many of us who would help you and the girls fight these things. I have an agency that threw horrendous fits when they found out that they were being protected by fashionable young women. We believe it's our job as well." He stared at her. "We've also sent away a military unit already." She winced. "We'll be talking soon about how we can help you do our shared duty. We may not know much about demons but we're more than willing to learn and we can even bring higher weapons when they're needed."
He smiled slightly. "Let's get your people patched up and home to recover." His earpiece went off. "Simmons, stop that Humvee," he agreed. "Thank you." They all heard it be stopped by a small explosion. "That's General Talbot." He waved a hand. "Let's get you cleaned up, ladies." They all stared at him. "It's safer. We can guard you. We're trained in protection actually." He smiled slightly again and let them go with the agents to the ambulances he had set up. Halfway to one, he had to fall down with a yelp of pain as an arrow pierced his hip. "Damn it, Hawkeye," he muttered, holding the wound. "You couldn't wait?"
"Hell. No," came from a higher spot. "We'll be talking soon, *sir*."
Steve walked over and helped Coulson up, handing him to one of the agents. "We all would like to talk to him."
Coulson looked at him. "Fury's hiding from that talk since he had me revived and tortured into health."
Steve grinned. "Thanks. We'll talk with him too." He walked off. "And your new little agent who had no idea how to use her skills in battle. She has to be better with that."
Coulson looked at his agent. "If I die, you know the protocols and who follows me."
"Yes I do, sir," he agreed, staring after Captain America. "Wow."
"Yes, he is. I've admired him for years." He let himself be taken to the hospital. A few of the girls stared at him. "I got killed during a battle and didn't tell anyone I was revived." They just nodded. He nearly flinched at the nurse that walked over to him. "I didn't know you went to college, Natasha." She smiled and hit him with a needle a bit viciously. "Fine. We'll talk later," he said as he drifted off.
She looked at the slayers. "Yes, the team will be sending myself and Barton to help that talk about how we all protect humanity. There are many times we could have stepped in to help and some of us are even learning about swords." She walked off again. At least Clint hadn't used the explosive tipped arrow. He was being nice today apparently.
The slayers shared a look. Those agents were creepily efficient and definitely weird. Maybe they'd fit in with the Council after all.
***
Steve came back from meeting with the slayers, SHIELD, and others who were interested in helping with battles, finding a pretty young woman chatting with Darcy and Jane about space. "Hi," he said with a smile and a nod. "Darcy, your brother's still hiding from the slayers."
"Yeah, my sister's a purebred bitch," Dawn said dryly. "Has been since about tenth grade actually. She turned into that when the slayer download made her quit being an airhead cheerleader." She smiled at Steve's odd look. "Hi, Dawn Summers." She waved a hand. "Semi-magical and research support behind Xander and other decent people who try to save humanity for some unknown reason."
"He never told us about you."
"It's to protect me. If Buffy finds out I know anyone that's mildly cute or knows how to fight, she goes on massive fits and usually tries to have me kidnaped to be kept in a tiny room that'll kill me by leaching out my magic." Willow appeared and Dawn shot her in the chest with a rubber bullet. She still went down screaming. "I'm so going to offer you to Strange so he can use you to power the spell to stop those magic eating assholes, Willow. So just stop it."
She looked at Jane. "I can definitely note the portal differences when I've traveled. Not always by choice but I do keep notes on all those so they may help you. It's not better than social research probably but it might help. I know I have notes on how I formed the portals so I could get home the last time when *someone* sent me to another galaxy." She glared at Willow then smiled at Jane again. "Beyond that, still have that letter I need to send someone's mom."
"She died."
Dawn smiled. "She's ...parts of her are in stasis due to an earlier thing when she was young woman," she said. "She told me that when I helped her handle something that attacked her." Willow was groaning but trying to move. "Be thankful they weren't real ones, Willow. I did have to learn to protect myself thanks to you." She looked at Jane again then pulled her journal out and the letter. "Please? She's partially locked inside the temple she visited when she was eighteen and going on a quest to find some sort of tiara to prove her worth to Odin." Thor stomped out. "Hey, Thor. Tell Sif and Hogun I said hi?"
He wasn't shocked at her appearance, one of the letters he had been sent warned about her being mouthy but capable. "I can do so, Dawn. Why are you here?" She handed the journals to Jane and the letter to him. "My mother has passed."
"She got partially trapped in that temple when she went looking for the tiara to get married in."
Thor blinked. "She told us of that quest his mother set her," he said, sitting down. "She never mentioned that."
Dawn nodded. "The quest's tale mentions that she had to give up part of herself to be worthy. Most people thought it was allegorical about her purity of thought and innocence since Odin being a warrior meant that she couldn't be a virginally pure little wench and be married to him." She stared at him. "I'm pretty damn sure there's part of her locked in there. Give her that when you find her?"
"I can do such. I did not know that quest was written down."
"Thor, your people have how many bards?" she asked dryly, smiling at him.
"True. I had not heard of it but I will ask. Do you know how Xander was on Asgard?"
"Yeah, partially. Apparently the Dwarf queen's second daughter was being attacked and made a wish upon her special necklace, which holds five wishes, to have a warrior to protect her because she was highly injured. It pulled him up. Then things happened and the bad dwarves attacking them summoned or somehow got something bigger and the only way to kill it was to distract the spell casters so they did something that the scrying spell I cast when he disappeared didn't catch. I figure the damn thing's still set on PG-13 though so probably someone's pants ripped again."
"Naked Heimdall?" Darcy guessed. Dawn burst out laughing, leaning on Darcy's arm to giggle. "Yeah, that probably fits." She looked at Thor. "If so, he's still pretty hot. I'd stare at him instead of Xander any day."
"He is your brother," Thor said dryly but was smiling. "I know not why he would be embarrassed about that." He looked at his beloved. "Will those help you?"
"Somewhat. The portal making notes mention energy and how to create them. It might help me a lot. Thank you, Dawn."
She smiled at her. "It's not a problem, Jane, but we do suggest that you remove anything that might tweak energy streams for a few days. Those magic eating jackholes are going to cause it problems."
"Stark routinely tries to blow up the building," Darcy said. "Can I help with that, Dawn?"
"No. Your magic's so weak that you'd just be eaten in a snap."
"Damn. But okay, let me know if I can help."
"I'll do that." She kissed her on the cheek. "Xander's in China right now for some reason and said to mug you for him." She winked at her. "Let me know if you want to go out on the town sometime soon. Especially after the battles." She stood up. "You guys have a better day." She left, going back to the mansion. Her teacher/coworker was staring at her. "What?"
"Has Xander adopted you?"
"Quite possibly he's claimed me as his family. I've liked Darcy each time I've talked to her though."
"Good."
"Are you jealous we hugged?" she asked with a smirk.
"No! Even if I were interested I'm not that sort of man." He gave her a glare. She just grinned back. "You are chaos incarnate some days."
"Not usually. I must've sucked up the wrong part of that Key of Life." He groaned, shaking his head. "So, now what, boss?"
"Now, we must fight them and keep them from taking out a demon bank for some reason."
"The one in Brooklyn has a lot of artifacts in very severe storage. It's strong enough that even the Council considers it worthy to hold things."
"Blast." They went to handle it with the other magic users.
Dawn walked into the bank first and someone came running. "Wow, I almost expected this bank to be run by goblins," she said with an evil little smirk. The manager glared at her. "I'm here to up your protections because you're going to be attacked by those stupid magic eating things."
"They're trying to chew through our shields but we're holding on."
Dawn laid a hand on his arm. "And I'm better at powering them." He blinked then stared. "By the way, I'm Dawn Summers. One of the heirs of Xander Harris."
The demon stared at her. "You do not look like your sister."
"No, I look like our mom. Buffy dyes her hair."
"That figures." He took her to the keystone for their shields, letting her join with them. Outside the magical battle started again. It was not going to be pretty for this neighborhood but thankfully it was mostly demon owned.
***
Darcy got kidnaped as the magic eaters were being defeated by everyone in the city that wore spandex and the entire magical contingent. She looked at the man who had her then turned and slapped him as hard as she could. She then kicked him in the thigh. "You absolute man twat. How dare you kidnap me!"
He looked amused. "You're feisty."
"Yes and I'm not amused. Too bad I only have my tazer on me." She pulled it and hit him with it, making him yelp and sneer at her. She smirked back. "Your brother didn't scream like that when I hit him but he was drunk."
"Thor does do that," he admitted dryly. He stepped back away from her. He had underestimated her a tiny bit. She was very feisty. "There are things around you that could be quite interesting."
"And there's people around her who can kill you," a male voice said from behind him. "Thankfully my sister has an emergency spell on her so I know if someone harmful comes near her." He smirked, axe in hand. "Loki. What did I tell you the last time you tried to fuck with my slayers?"
"I don't really remember, it was so boring."
"Hmm. Don't fuck with the slayers, the crazy ones, or a Harris. My sister may not be a Harris by birth but she's damn near close enough." He sneered at him. "Why did you kidnap my sister?"
"She can be useful."
"So can I. You shouldn't pick on women. Didn't your mother teach you that?"
"My mother...." He sucked in a breath. "Is not a subject of study."
"Dawn thinks part of her is trapped from that quest."
"She thought so too when she warned me of taking on quests. We must talk about how a Key of Life was removed. The Soul Gem is half empty of its power."
"Hmm. Yeah." He pointed. "Magic eating assholes."
He looked then groaned. "Why must your people have those sort?"
"They hate magic." Xander shrugged. "There's plenty of times I hate magic too." He gave him an impatient look. "Now, anything else?"
"Were they the ones that drained it? It could become...necessary soon." Xander moaned and held his head. "What are you doing?" he demanded.
"He has visions of battles," Darcy said, moving to help him. "Xander? Xander, come on, let's come out of it. Talk to me, little brother." Xander groaned and patted at her. "Phone?" He nodded so she handed it over. He made notes and handed it back then passed out. She looked at the notes, then showed them to Loki. "Looks like your people are screwed. Want a few slayers? We'll send you the bitchy ones."
"He ...foresaw?"
"Yes." She nodded. "He does it a lot. Unfortunately." A demon appeared and Loki just sneered at it. She picked up her brother's axe, wincing at the weight, and took a swing at it. It yelped and disappeared. "Be less useless to protect yourself, Loki." She stared at him. "So why else did you show up?"
"We felt an ancient power come into being."
"That's probably Rosenburg doing something. You two should meet. She's not crazy but she's powerful, cranky, and slightly evil too."
"I do not need more minions." He stared at her. "I did come in peace."
"And yet you kidnaped me." She stared at him. "So...." She waved her free hand around.
"You can't use that axe."
"He couldn't when he picked it up either. He still managed to do a lot of demon hunting with it before he fully learned."
He blinked at her, giving her an odd look. "Really?"
"Yeah, really. He's fought up there before too."
"Interesting." He looked at the unconscious one then at her. "We must talk to that power."
"You're going to have to wait. They're having a battle for the fate of humanity. I mean, you could do something to go make sure the magic eating ones are gone." She waved a hand. "Please do if you want. Your brother's there too."
Loki looked, grimacing. "I had warnings of such." He grimaced but went to solve it since the one he needed to check on was down there. He appeared and walked up behind one of the demons, cutting it through the neck with the sword he manifested. "Pitiful. Simply pathetic." The demons looked at him then one rushed him and he stabbed it. The magic users got the others. He looked at the Sorcerer Supreme, who was standing in front of a few witches. "Would they be the reason a Key of Life was drained? It worries many and they sent me to ask," he sneered.
Dawn got up and walked around Strange, staring up at him. "You're awfully mouthy for a supposedly dead guy." He stared at her and his eyes lit up. "You've already lost this round and you won't win the war either, Loki. You should go home before whatever vision Xander just had comes into being."
"He saw part of Ragnarok starting." Dawn winced, shaking her head. "We should *chat*." He made a grab for her arm and she stabbed him in the stomach armor. It barely scratched him. "Oh, you're that sort," he smirked.
She handed the blade off behind her. "Here, have his blood." She stared Loki in the eyes. "You have failed," she said in Norse. She had learned from Anya. "You will always fail when it comes to me, Loki. There is nothing you can do to tempt me to work for you, even if I had full access to it. You will not harness me, I am not an artifact, and I am the stronger Summers woman. So leave before I tell others why you're here. They might try to hunt me but I can create protections. You, they still want dead." She smirked a tiny little smirk. "Anything else on your agenda today?"
"Did you drain the Soul gem?"
"Yes. By accident but it helped me get off Asgard and out of that other galaxy I got sent to."
He sighed. "I could give you much." Her gun was in his face. He pushed it away. "I have protections against bullets." She shot him in the dick and he screamed, falling down.
"Really? Apparently not in the right place, mother fucker." She smiled. "You have fun with that. After all, some day you'll have to have an heir. Can you do that now?" She smirked at him. "I can help." She raised a hand and called a spell to her, throwing it at him. He shimmered form and disappeared before it stuck. "Pity the bullet only did surface damage," she complained, then huffed. She put her gun back and looked back at the staring sorcerer. "What?"
"How...." He closed his mouth.
She grinned. "Because I'm me. Xander taught me most of what he knows." She smiled. "I should go hide now." He put a hand on her arm, staring down at her. "I'm not taking up one of your special cells. It'd be boring and I'd have to do evil things to amuse myself."
"You may have my couch to rest from the battle on, Dawn."
"Thanks. Much nicer than a hotel room." She took her cleaned dagger back and winked at one of the witches. "Behave with that." She smiled and they faded into the shadows as well. She and Strange walked off. They could both hear her sister choking and gasping behind her. She looked back. "Not like I figured you could protect me forever, Sis. I knew you were mortal. I just had to figure out how to do it on my own." She skipped off to sniff at a rose bush, healing it. "I have way too much extra energy I need to bleed out."
"I have crystals you can do that with."
"That's dangerous to have around."
"True. We can figure it out. There's much that could be healed in the house as well." He sighed. His poor house was nearly done in. Thankfully Dawn fed it energy so it was self healing somehow. He watched as the front healed itself of the burns as they walked up the walkway. "We should talk of the training the coven gave you, Dawn." He steered her inside. Even the tiny kraken in there came out to come cuddle her. The sword that liked Xander settled beside her lap. The kraken crawled into her lap to hug her with all the tentacles it had left. Strange got them a drink and settled in to talk to her. She was fairly fascinating. Not his type but fascinating. Perhaps he could talk her into studying medicine instead of artifacts. He'd need someone to follow him someday.
***
A Harris and a Half.