***
Sixteen Years Later
***
Artie, who was now a teenager of damnation according to everyone who knew him, looked at the reporter annoying him. He had been asked to make nice by his father's people. That curse to protect him meant that his dad now had to deal with sucky people in DC he'd rather take a bat to. "No, I have a few role models. Dad was real firm in a few. I was always told to look up to Napoleon Solo and Artemis Fowl, who I got named after." He smirked a tiny bit, which made him look slightly evil. "My first movie I remember watching with him was one of those actually."
The reporter swallowed. "So what little I know of either of them, one was an agent. The other is a book character and a genius."
"Yes but he uses his mind for other things than just being a genius. He created evil plots to save his family. The other is an excellent role model for manners, how to treat women, and how to handle things like art." He smirked. "How to fit in. All that. Most of the time Dad can't really stand all that higher class stuff so I had to have a role model that would allow me to handle that for college and my later career."
She nodded. "That's interesting. Do you look up to anyone else?"
"Dad for temper control. He has fantastic control to not smite people sometimes."
"I've heard him say that. Have you met with the local slayers?"
"Of course. I grew up knowing about them and playing with the younger ones near us." He looked at his guard then at her. "We handle what we must in a way we must but we do it with style and no temper because tempers will cloud things."
"I can see that. Do you plan on college?"
"I think so. Like Dad, I am a hands-on learner but there's some things I'm interested in. A few would like me to learn hacking but Dad said it was cheezy and predictable. I should learn a better evil science." She shivered but nodded. He grinned. "I've heard the prophecies they had about me. One of the kids in my school years heard and kindly told me about my future cult. I have no idea why I started one but it's not been started yet, dear.
"Calm down. I'd never touch taken unless it'd save people and you're wearing a ring to prove you are." He winked. She whined but nodded at that. "Though I'm not sure why I'd start a cult to hunting. I really don't enjoy it. Dad made sure I was realistic about it but upset by the facts. I can if I must but I hopefully will never have to. The other part of that prophesied cult....well, we'll have to see about that later when I'm older won't we?"
"You are very naughty."
He smiled. "Everyone's gotta be something. Why be anything but fun?"
She nodded. "I can see that and why your father had you look up to those two icons." He smirked a tiny bit. "I heard you got kicked out of school?"
"Yes," he said, scowling then making it clear up. "Some little troll looking upperclassman wanted to be an alpha dog and tried me so I proved he wasn't one and made sure he knew his place was at my heels begging for mercy. His poor daddy filled his head with stupid things about being an alpha male." He shrugged. "I'm not the ultimate alpha but I think those sort of men are annoying and boring anyway. Real men are complex and I'm growing into a fine specimen. That one, maybe the healing time will help him realize his place in society and find it pleasing as he gets used to it."
"So you beat him?"
"Fairly badly, yes." He shifted to cross his feet. "But he did start it. They had it on video. Which is why I'm not in jail. The DA saw that, looked at his son, and quietly told his son he was going to be sorry later then dismissed the charges before my father heard on his trip to Arizona. Dad came back and was told as he walked in that I was expelled for defending myself.
"He stared at me, asked if I had a weapon, which I didn't. I assured him I didn't use excessive force or any special skills, and he nodded and said we'd figure it out. Then he made my guard take me to the garage and explain car engines to me so I learned something practical." He smiled. "Sometimes you have to be able to fix the car while you're getting away apparently."
"I suppose. Though do you have to get away often?"
"Have you seen the women that flirt with me, dear?" he asked dryly, smirking again. He oozed self confidence. His guard was moaning in the corner. "Not that I take them up on that. Good men wait a tiny bit longer than any girl who flirts with him in the club. Unlike my father I don't need stress relief after battles or before battles. I can be picky."
"Are you still a virgin?"
He laughed. "I'd answer but it might give hope to people who want to sacrifice me or ruin their weeks if they had other ideas. So no comment."
"Do you have a license?"
"Of course. I'm looking at a few types of cars to ask for. Something with a bit of room but looks practical. It has to be more practical than used for picking up girls but someday I'll want a girlfriend to enjoy it with me I'm sure." She shivered but nodded. "Too bad they don't make sedans like the crown victoria anymore. Dad complained once he was made thanks to one."
"I... I have no idea what to say about that. What are you thinking?"
"Something like a small sports wagon maybe. My father warned me not to want an older style VW bus, even though he wanted one for years. Too much opportunity."
She swallowed, looking at the guard then at him. "Girls are attracted to certain types of cars."
"If they're that shallow then I don't need that bit of boring. I'm a complex guy, she has to want more than my pretty hair."
She nodded. "I can see that. I know your father's had some fast, easy things he's dated in the past."
"Yes, and many of them gave him really nice baby presents when I was born."
"Wow." She stared at him. "Can you handle his axe?"
"I've learned some. It was a bit heavy for me until last year. I've taken some training with all the weapons just in case I was attacked and needed one. My father would never leave me vulnerable and counting on a guard that may not be there or may be taken out. He's realistic about the threats to our family. He made sure I knew but wasn't paranoid."
She nodded. "So if you're hit on by a vampire you can handle it?"
"Of course. I knew how to do that at ten. I've had to stake two different vampires who wanted me in the club to protect myself." He smiled a bit. "I hate that I had to but better that than turned. I'd make a mean vampire."
"I'm sure you would," she agreed, nodding at that and glancing at the guard again.
"No, he wouldn't want to see me turned. He knows I'd get Dad turned and then a few others so we'd be an exceptionally protected group."
She swallowed and nodded. "I can see that. Would you date a slayer?"
He let out a bitter sounding laugh. "Not a chance. The ones I know treat me like I'm deficient, like they do my father. I'd never put up with that level of abuse in a relationship."
"Wow."
"They can still treat Dad like shit and that's all on them. Their doing. I support them and their duty. I can protect myself so they're not having to protect me. But dating? No. I know what they're like and the ones I know about I'd never touch because of their attitude towards me and my dad."
"That's sad."
"Well, there's plenty of tougher women out there." He smirked. "And I don't draw arms dealers like Dad did."
"True. That's probably a good thing." She swallowed again. "Is your father okay today?"
"Bit upset with last night. Otherwise, not much outside of the usual for him."
"I suppose that's good. Let me go submit this interview. Have a good day?"
"You as well." He shook her hand then kissed the back of it, letting her flee the meeting room in the white house. He looked at his guard, who was shaking his head. "What?"
"Less flirting please, Artemis. She was twice your age and had wet panties."
"Well, some of us are a gift," he quipped, getting up. "It's nearly time for sparring."
"It is." He walked him that way and watched over his practice. Artemis may be Xander's clone but the kid had grown his own style and skills. Xander had made sure his clone of a son wouldn't be trapped like he was.
***
It came the day when Artie had to handle something on his own. Something big. His father had been hauled off by the guards against his will, complaining he could handle this. Artie's guard had lost track of him and couldn't find him. So Artie was the most trained on site. Which sucked greatly. He picked up his father's axe from his office and nodded, turning to hike out to handle this. He kept his father's manta of 'this shit sucks but it's better than death' in mind for now.
A few guards gave him dirty looks but oh well! "You didn't let the other trained one handle it so well, hell, it's my turn I guess," he said bitterly. He cut the first demon and it screamed. He smirked at the staring ones. "What? Did you think he didn't have me trained, beings? Really?" A few ran but he worked against the rest.
By the end he was a shaky, dirty mess. He looked at the hallway then at the guards. "Perhaps my father can be let go of now so he can handle any others? Since that's actually his *job*." One of the guards flinched.
"He's the president. It's not his job, kid."
"He's a hunter, it is his job," Artie shot back. "The same as he never wanted me to have to take it up." A very evil, high ranking demon showed up so he looked at her. "What?" he demanded. "I'm nagging them for locking my father in a vault!"
"Awww, you're losing your cool," she sneered.
He smirked. "Not hardly. Not because of you. You're just another dilemma to solve." She attacked magically but he was protected from that and beat her to death with the axe. Then he beheaded her. "Hmm. Nastiness I did not want to participate in." He glared at the guards, who all backed away from him. "Now, where is my father, the blessed hunter sort?" One of the guards yelled and attacked him so he beheaded him too. "Hmm. Another bit of nastiness. This shirt will never come clean." He walked over the body. "Shall we go find my father now?"
"Son," Xander yelled, jogging up the hallway. "Oh, shit." He looked. "That's Bethesda's overlord."
"She showed up to be evil, Dad." He handed over the axe when his father yanked on it. "Then that one attacked me." He waved a hand. "This outfit needs to be burned."
Xander hugged him. "We can do that later together." He got his son calmed down. "C'mon. Let's get you into a shower and comfy jammies. Let the ones who didn't stop anything, even with the training, clean up the mess."
Artie looked at him. "Why are you injured?"
"Um...a few wanted me gone too. Pity." He walked his son off. "C'mon. Shower time. Then maybe a drink. A single drink."
"Maybe later. When I can't sleep." He frowned at his hands. "I think I'm going to use most of the hot water available."
"I did too, kiddo. We can talk after you're in jammies." Artie nodded, holding it together until they got to his bathroom and there was no way anyone was going to see him break. Xander hugged him again, letting him cry and get it all out. Then he got him into a shower and went to find his phone. It wasn't up there. He didn't have it.
He called instead. "Delores, it's Xander," he said dryly. "Get someone important up here to help clean up the mess my son had to make thanks to the guards having *plots*. Thanks." He hung up and made something to drink, non-alcoholic because his son was underage and he'd need that later.
Artie came out in flannel pajama pants and a t-shirt, then slid into shoes. You couldn't wander around the white house in bare feet. Or pajamas but for right now it was necessary. "I called Delores. She'll get someone up here soon enough. Until then we're staying in here. If they try to doctor the cameras we'll handle it."
"That's fine. DC's slayer hates me but sure."
"She's spoiled," he agreed. He handed him his mug of cocoa, getting a weak smile back. "I didn't want you to ever have to do that."
"I know, Dad. And it sucks greatly that I did. I lost my calm and I turned into you for a minute I think." He sipped. "Hmm. Cadbury's. You dug out the good stuff." He took another drink and sat down to pout and seethe at himself. "I'm an idiot," he said finally, looking up.
"I've had that feeling after many battles. Not after the first one, because I was in shock."
"Shock? From the staking?"
Xander sighed, sitting next to him to cuddle him. "I told you about Jesse once."
"A few times, yeah."
Xander nodded. "He was turned."
"You told me that's why you hunt."
"Yeah and I'm the one who ended up staking him. Mostly by accident but yeah. My first staking." Artie pulled back to look at him. Xander nodded, swallowing hard. "It sucks greatly. But I couldn't let anyone else do that. The same as I didn't want you to ever have to do that."
"Thankfully none of my friends thinks vampires are cool." He cuddled again. "Yeah, that'd put you into shock." He snuggled in again, finishing both cups of cocoa before a guard got up there. They knocked then walked in. "Hey," Artie said with a wave. "Did you finish doctoring the video footage already?"
"They wanted the prophecy of you becoming a hunter to come into being."
Artemis sat up, staring at him. "I'm already a hunter, even before today. I just didn't *have* to until today. And the ones who tried to take out my father should probably never show up as living again. I believe that's treason."
"We know there was a wish," he sneered.
"Well, yeah. Because Dad thought the idiot lawyers wouldn't be *that* stupid. Pity he was wrong. Doesn't change anything." The guard tried to attack him so Artie threw his knife at him. "Dude, did you think either of us was unarmed? Even up here? I mean, I have sex armed. So does Dad." He waved. "I've fucking had enough." His father laughed. "Seriously."
Xander patted him on the back. "I know. Me too."
Artie looked at him. "Press?"
"I think I'm going to sit here."
"I think I'm going to drag you down there so they can treat you."
"They could be just another ploy, son."
"Probably." He considered it then used the planning skills he had learned. His role models were both great planners. So yup. He nodded once then got up to get redressed in a nice suit. "C'mon, Dad."
"I..."
Artemis hauled him up, finding the injury and replacing the old bandage with something better. Then he hauled him to the emergency ladder and got him down it, then to the rose garden. That was actually cloaked by magic right now. The escape ladder too. Thankfully they could turn back on the cameras by hand as they walked past one. Artemis handed his father to a witch.
"Do not harm him farther? I'd hate to be an orphan," he said with a wicked smirk. "Who knows how evil I'd be. After all, he did say I'd be Andrew's protégé and had me model myself after an evil genius." The witch moaned but took Xander with her. He waited to catch his breath then nodded and went inside, grabbing his father's sword and guns from his office.
He headed for the press room. One guard tried to stop him so he shot him. "No, not today, darling." He walked into the press room and got into the computers, showing them what had happened. "Dad's with the coven. He's badly injured and I know I can't trust a single one of you or them." He waved his free hand around.
"As of this moment, the white house is locked down. Slayers only inside and the VP so he can assume the duty. If more agents show up they'd better be able to prove I don't have to protect my father from them." He strolled off. "Anyone who disputes that can come take this sword from my dead hand as I prove my blood tells who I am."
The press people were showing all that and calling in reports. The VP was being hidden right now. He didn't want to be in danger. Artemis had one of the slayers go pull him out of hiding. The man was old, weak, and a politician. He was pretty worthless at anything at the moment. Artemis glared at the general who showed up first. "Here to try to take my father's sword from me?"
"No, kid. Where is he?"
"With the coven. So I'm hoping safe."
The general looked at him. "You're a young kid, Artemis. Let us handle this?"
Artemis grinned. "You apparently didn't hear the better gossip, General Alamanda. I'm actually Dad's clone. The demon who wanted me to come into being, and his cocksucker presidential friend that made sure of it, made sure I'm his actual clone." He smirked. "He just wanted me to be happier than he was." The general looked alarmed. "So yeah, unless you're here to help me protect the people here, or to evacuate the normals, or to try to take my father's sword from me, I don't care."
The general nodded. "Let me work on the civilian evacuation. I know they're sheltered in place." He called that in and more agents showed up. A few were half or full demons but they all nodded at Artemis, getting a nod back. Delores, the DC slayer, showed up with the VP in handcuffs. The general looked at them as they got out of the car. "Slayer Delores?" he asked.
"His plan. He wanted his favorite uncle's plan to go through so he could take it over." She handed him over with a smile. "Where's the little brat?"
"Artemis is in the hallway by the garden doorway. He's done more than most of us have today. Leave him be," the general ordered. She snorted. "He has. You should see the film." He walked the VP off to tell the agents, who could verify it and handle the arrest.
Artemis opened the door for the Speaker of the House. "Yes, Representative Franks?" he asked dryly.
"The VP was arrested. It's my job, Artemis."
"All right then. Let's get you near the office." He walked him that way. "People." They stared and one came to get the chief of staff to start that process. The guy was locked in his closet and not coming out. Artemis had to pick the lock for them. Then he stared at the man. "Dad's with the coven. The VP is under arrest for this plot. The Speaker's here." He got out of the way. "I've already solved the bad things." He walked off.
"I'll get someone to do the temporary take over orders," the Chief of Staff agreed. "I saw it on the news since I had my phone."
Artemis smiled coldly. "As someone said, we do what we must when must needs." He let out a small bow then went back to guarding people.
The temporary president came out after the emergency swearing in. "Lock the white house down, and congress," he ordered. "Until the actual president comes back, no one in or out unless necessary. Including his son who I'm sure is grounded."
Artemis looked at him. "No, we were having cocoa and talking about how I had to turn into my father and then had to take a life for the first time. I haven't heard from the coven but they really don't like either of us."
The slayer looked over. "He should be fine. They're ethical."
Artemis looked at her. "Since when?" She rolled her eyes. "Wow, if only you knew," he said dryly. "Go handle the rest of the emergency going on? I'm sure the locals are panicking." She huffed but went to do that. He looked at the president, shrugging. "This sucks greatly but I made it longer than Dad did before he picked up a stake at least." He walked off again. "I'm getting something to drink then I'll go back to the weak spot in our defenses."
"Fine, kid." The president looked at the guards. "I want to know what happened and have anyone still living in front of me begging within hours. I do not want Xander to show up to a new threat." They nodded, going to handle that for him. He looked at the general. "Back the kid up."
"I'm sending some people to do that, sir." He got his teams in to help.
Xander showed back up but he was clearly out of sorts. Or possessed. His son splashed him with holy water, getting a smirk for that. Artemis nearly ran from that look. "Son."
"I'm doing what you would."
"With more class but not your job."
"Fuck it, they're threatening our lives, Dad."
"True." He gave him a hug and a new gun. Artemis looked at it then put it into his waistband. "Let me go reappear."
Artemis looked at him. "Dad was injured on the other side, shape changer." The demon changed back. "Is Dad not all right?"
"He's highly injured, in a UK hospital, the same one he found out he was pregnant in, and won't probably wake up for a few hours. The witches got him evacuated there instead of treating him." Artemis grimaced but nodded. "He'll be fine. We're fairly certain no one's going to let him die because we don't want to see him taking out the PTB."
Artemis smiled. "Some of us would adore that."
"Yes but they don't want to make the slayers happy." He disappeared.
Artemis looked at the general staring at him, shrugging some. "So now we have an update at least."
"Let me tell the others. That hospital?"
"Middle England up by where Shakespear's from."
"All right." He went to report that. Artemis was still holding himself up but if he was really the clone of their president they'd never know if he had to break down. Even if he lost his father.
***
Xander got out of the helicopter and nodded at the guards, saluting them back. "I'm fine. Now. Missing my spleen but pretty decent." He walked into the white house and the pro-tem president hopped up. "Hola, Barty."
"Xander." He shook his hand. "Your son's an asshole."
He grinned. "Only the best genes."
"We heard."
Xander shrugged. "I thought everyone already knew." He looked over as his son walked in. "You good?"
"Few nightmares. This shit sucks, to put it genteelly."
"Yeah, it does." He gave him a hug, making Artemis finally relax. "We'll talk in a bit. I'm on couch rest for another two days." He looked at his replacement. "I am back however."
"That's fine. Did you get briefed?"
"Yup." He nodded. "Which sucks. I needed to kick his ass months ago." He walked off with his son. "I'm back and on couch rest," he bellowed, his usual way of telling the whole staff things. "The son and I are going to go talk. Keep it locked down please." A nearby soldier nodded at that, calling that order in. "Thank you, Corporal." They went to their suite and settled in to talk and help Artemis not have to do that again unless the world was ending.
***
Artemis looked at the agent there to annoy him today. "Yes, did you need something?"
"Mr. Harris, I heard about your father's role models for you. We can make sure you live up to the standards of one."
Artemis looked at him. "I'd never join the CIA. They're unethical."
"Do you have legal standing as a clone?"
"Yes. And I was born." He smirked. "That one president made sure of it." The agent stepped back with a grimace. "Frankly, I'm going to let you talk to the person behind you about that." He turned and got punched in the face. "Thanks, Zombie Aunt Willow."
"Welcome. Where's your father this time?"
"Nagging people in a classified briefing about what went on." He looked at her. "Office." He pointed. She went that way. The magic keeping her alive at least hid how dead she was. And her dead body smell. Artemis went back to reading. A Secret Service guy leaned out so he waved a hand. "Aunt Willow cold cocked that CIA agent who thought I'd go work for them. Do have fun with him."
"I can do that, kid. Your father?"
"Meeting?" He looked over. "He should be in a meeting."
"Let me make sure he's not still napping."
"He was awake earlier. Didn't go back to bed." He put up his book and headed for their suite. No father. He sighed in relief. He did not want to walk in and find him dead on the couch. He went to the office, getting guards in his way. "People are looking for dad."
"He's in there, sir."
"Fine. Thanks." He walked off. One tried to stab him in the shoulder and neck area but he fought him off and got him instead. "Really? How charming. You messed up my clothes." He straightened himself out and walked off. "How annoying."
"You're just a faulty clone," the other guard sneered.
"It's sad you didn't hear that back when it was first relevant." He waved without looking back. "Everyone knew why I was born and this new plot won't work either. I'll just turn evil, boys." He shot a smirk back before walking through a doorway into another hallway. He snuck to his father's office, finding him alive and a few who weren't. "Hmm. I had to get two from the hallway. Did Willow find you?"
"What did the zombie witch want?" Xander asked him.
"To check on you I think."
"I'm fine." He looked down. "They tried to make sure I wasn't. I should have another kid. Just to freak people out."
Artie hugged him. "I'd make a fanatically fussy older brother." He looked at the intelligence people. "So how many more are there going to be? I had to fight against someone who was CIA until the witch knocked him out for me."
"We're a bit worried about why you were created," one said.
Artemis sat on the arm of his father's chair. "There were two crackhead plans. One, the former president, wanted me to be born so he could have a powerful sacrifice, figuring that Dad's hellmouth taint went into me during my carrying. He was found and stopped before I was born and his wish was greatly denied, but a few of those lawyers wanted it as well. And his nephew apparently."
That got a few sighs and nods. "The other, the PTB thought my father being a dad would slow him down and make him retire." He smirked. "They found that plan overthrew things and they Xandered their own plans as I've heard it called." His father patted him on the leg. He grinned at the not-his-father. He checked his pulse then his eyes. "When?" he demanded.
"I'm not a zombie."
"No but you're also not my father."
"He's resting in a quiet room with the healers. I'm his LMD, son."
"Ah." He looked at the agents again. "Andrew created him then." They groaned. Artemis smiled at them. "Aren't you glad we're not a monarchy? Otherwise I'd have to take over today." He got up and walked off, heading to go hide in their hidden apartment in town. He'd be found when the problems were done. Or he'd go into hiding for real and travel like his father had. Though he did appreciate suits more than he did jeans and t-shirts. His father had made sure of that.
Thankfully he woke up to find his father snoring in his bed and alive, healthy, and ready to go kick some ass. Including his for being so mouthy.
***
Someone tried something stupid so they were in front of a judge to determine if Artemis could be counted as a real person. They were in his chambers so they could block out the press heaving hissy fits. Xander was staring at the other side's defense, who were going on and on about unnatural things and forbidden by law. Xander looked at the judge when it was his turn.
"Your Honor, I'd like the other side to sit down first. Before they pass out from their breathless huffiness. And because they're going to start screaming in a minute." The judge scowled but waved a hand so they sat with huffs of irritation. "Okay, first. I did give birth. By c-section." He undid his shirt to show off the scar.
"He came out the same hole the geeks made to put the uterus structure in." He handed over the notes from the geeks. "On the plan that got me kidnaped from Africa by some evil idiots, infected with fake body structures, and then made pregnant with a fertilized egg.
"Apparently the huffy people over there don't know how cloning works either. Also in there is the information on *who* started that plan, who they all seem to revere. Which makes this very odd to me." He looked over. "I've also brought in two doctors who can testify about how that works. One's still in cuffs because he was partially responsible for that implantation of the uterine structure. The other is a well known GYN who has dealt with cloning ideas in the past for IVF using my case as a standard."
The judge looked that over. "This group?"
"Oh, I had a true fit of epic proportions that even the teenage girls I was working with thought was excessive." He smiled. "When I woke up the agent made sure I was the comic book geek my file said I was and then compared them to the comic book villains AIM. Which was about right."
The judge shook his head. "Very weird." He looked at the notes from the first hospital and the ultrasound picture. "This DVD?"
"The reporter that came in to view it, Your Honor. We let one come in to view it after the first pictures were looked at so no one could say things like this. She's rerun it a few times in the last few days."
The judge nodded. "I see you were implanted with a uterus structure. There was an embryo implanted, which turned out to be your clone. He was carried and there's no delivery records?"
"I gave birth with a healer in a demon Goddess' temple in Africa so we were safe. Goddess D'Nar's healer did that. Cut over the same scar and all that. The informal records and pictures should be in there." The judge looked and found it, nodding at that.
"How did they handle the hormone differences, Mr. Harris?"
"I had a small ball of implanted hormones that were time released. That got removed with the child as it was next to his water sack."
"Oh. All right."
"Which they do with IVF in dangerous pregnancies these days thanks to my case."
"I was not aware of that." He kept reading, frowning. "Oh, he did sponsor that and refuse you the right to terminate. Interesting." He sighed. "So, beyond the fact that he was a cloned cell brought in to grow, it was a fairly routine pregnancy outside the fact you're a male." He looked up then at the others. He handed over part of the file. "On who sponsored it." They read and threw a fit, stomping off to finish it in the hallway. The bailiff took the papers to hand back. "How does that work?"
Xander pointed at the doctor behind him. "Sir, cloning works by taking a donated egg cell and replacing the nucleus with the cell entrails from the original cell. It's sucked out and then replaced. Which prompts it to start to split like a normal embryo," the doctor said as he stood up. "It's been done thousands of times to make new plants, new sheep, all that. We've been able to do that since the last 80's. There was a sheep back then."
"So it was implanted like a normal embryo for him to carry?"
"Yes. He was nice enough to let us do a lot of testing and watching over the pregnancy to see if anything could help others, which has led to some help with difficult carrying cases. I have no idea when they took the cell structures they grew into a uterus."
Xander frowned, considering it. "Two months earlier I had malaria," he said, looking at the doctor. "So I'd guess then but further back? Probably would've been something like the most disgusting project ever that the Army sent into Sunnydale. That's classified but they did a lot of wacky science things like trying to use demon cells to regrow organs. With the demon taint I had at that time they probably would've considered it easier anyway."
"What demon taint?" the judge asked.
"I got exposed to mermaid blood, Your Honor. I carry a two chromosome difference than most humans after being detoxed and all the other demon blood I got hit by during battles."
"When the same people tried to recreate the project, they couldn't due to the that taint and the latent magic he carries," the OB/GYN said. "Which is when they finally got ended. Which is why the other doctor is in chains and waiting to answer questions."
Xander nodded. "I offered to write a letter saying he did cooperate at this point to his parole board but I also know that won't help him any at the moment. He's got ten more years before he's up for parole."
The judge nodded. "Which isn't unheard of." He went back to the notes. "So outside the fact that he was forced to carry his son and was kidnaped to be experimented on, there was nothing out of the ordinary?"
"No, Your Honor. We heard some mythical higher ups had ideas."
"The PTB, over the slayers, thought it'd be *great* if I retired due to him," Xander quipped with a smirk for his son then the doctor. "Then they realized it made me more militant and a bit more mean. I ended up taking out fourteen higher beings that weren't good for anyone due to mood swings and being angry about being pregnant. I stopped years of plans thanks to that. I negated nine books of prophecies by being mad." He smiled. "I'd only done three books at once in the past. I was very proud of that accomplishment."
The judge looked at him oddly then shook his head. "So." The other side came back in. "Are you back?" he asked sarcastically.
"Sorry for that, Your Honor. We needed a quick recess." The lawyer took the other pages to look through and groaned. "Why was not this not known?"
"It was," the doctor said. "We announced it in the press, in the journals for peer review and to let others work with the ideas, and everyone knew as far as we knew. I was a resident then and I had heard thanks to a journal. We went over it in class."
"The US intelligence people knew because they were the ones that rescued me," Xander quipped. "I'm sure they talked. Especially when I had to face down the demonic lawyers over him because that former president had hired them to represent his ideas so he could sacrifice my son for power.
"Which is when I made the wish to become president and have their status and money if they did something to threaten my son's life or me raising him enough that his aunts would have to take over. They did that thanks to a plan that got us a small invasion and me put into the hospital for three weeks. Boom, the wish was activated. Which was rather stupid of me but I was a week post birth and that was about the only way I had of protecting myself and my son from those stupid lawyers."
The judge nodded. "I agree, it's a stupid thing but very protective. Which lawyers?"
"Wolfram and Hart, Your Honor. The same ones that caused the LA invasion that got the slayers noticed."
"Oh, them. Charming!" He went back to the records. "So he's a real little boy, they just decided you'd be the only parent. I find that he's born a bit weirdly but any child born by IVF could be said to be the same way I suppose. The cloning's illegal in this country but they apparently did it in the UK so got around that, even though the former president funded it and pushed for it against the laws.
"He was probably intending to use it to declare the child a not-human so he could sacrifice it without worry and make it look bad on the slayers for having irregular children." He considered it then nodded once. "Fine. He's a real little boy and he deserves all the rights and responsibilities of real little boys." He looked at Artemis, who looked very nice today. "From what I've seen he does that most of the time and the rest he's a teenage boy."
"I did raise him to be a better man than I am," Xander admitted. "He'll probably never outright go after a terrorist group."
"Hopefully he won't have to," the judge agreed. "Ever." He looked at the other side. "I find your arguments really ridiculous. Your idol that you built your group around caused the child to come into being. Are you trying to sacrifice him too?"
"He does have energy they can use for that," that lawyer said. "But no we would not be, Your Honor."
"Yeah, for that I have to be a blood and sexual innocent," Artemis said. "You guys made sure I lost one the other day and the other I lost a bit ago just in case something like this came up." He smirked. "And hellmouth taint, I'm pretty sure you can go find a way to suck some up if you wanted to sacrifice for energy." The lawyer moaned but shook his head.
Xander patted him on the back. "You weren't a fit sacrifice once you were born, Artie. You came out with my energy taint and a lot of magic that had to get stripped from you. It would've prevented any sacrifice and backlashed on whoever tried and it tainted you enough that even if they had managed it, they would've been uselessly standing there when I found them.
"I checked on that after you didn't let me sleep for a few days in a row and I nearly sacrificed you. We were having a talk in a café and a demon healer told me that was normal for kids and why it wouldn't work anyway. She was very kind to soothe your colic for a few days."
Artemis looked at his father then sighed and shook his head. "Now I'm warned in case my own children do that." He swatted his grinning father on the arm but got one back for it. "Maybe I'll take my suave skills to Europe to go to college since you're insisting."
Xander nodded. "I am. You're going to have a brighter future than I did. Even if you might like construction work on the side, I don't want you to have to struggle in a low paying, body wrecking job." He looked at the judge.
"That's what we all hope for our children, to have better lives than we did," the judge agreed. "I find their suit without merit." He banged his gavel. "Have fun in the white house, Misters Harris."
"I try but they keep me from having too much fun," Xander quipped. He walked out with Artemis under his arm, smiling at the press people that flocked to see them. "People, don't mug the son. He'll have to flirt with some of you." A few of the reporters giggled at that.
Artie grinned at them. "You guys can have some fun following me around when I go to college in europe. I'm told they have neat clubs over there." He frowned, looking around. "Dad, let's get you to the car before whoever that guy with the gun on the building is shoots you."
"Yeah, we probably should. Apparently I have to talk to the secret service guys too." He looked around then nodded as they walked off together. "Maybe I'll replace them with some hired demon warriors. They'd be just as uptight and as strong willed."
His son looked at him. "It'd keep someone from sacrificing me but I doubt they'd let either of us get loose in a club, Dad."
"I'm too old for that, kiddo." He opened the door and let his son get in then climbed in after him. Then out. "People, my driver seems to be dead," he announced. A few officers came running over. He sighed, looking at his son. "Hell."
Artemis climbed out nodding at that. He pushed back his carefully coifed hair. Then it got messed up when someone tried to shoot his father so he had to shove him out of the way. He looked up and pulled a gun, getting them back. Xander had done the same thing from the ground. The sniper fell off the building and went splat on the car's hood. Artemis helped his father up. "Hmm. Interesting." He looked at his father. "You good?"
"I'm going to beat your ass, son. That's my job to protect the both of us."
"Well, not always." He smirked at him. "Can't have the president die when the people supposed to stop it are faulty and missing somewhere. Anyone seen his guards?" he asked the reporters, who all shook their heads. "Huh." He checked his gun then put it back. "I'll clean that once I get somewhere I can do so."
Xander put his own back. "True. We might need them before we find a cleaning kit." He looked around then nodded once. "We're nineteen blocks from the white house. Or three from congress."
"Let's go to congress, get the police there to bring us home?" Artie guessed.
"Sure. Let's do that. We can interrupt them complaining about something again. They've spent the last two weeks doing that."
Artemis smiled and patted him on the shoulder. "They want to spare you more work, Dad. More than they did Clinton."
"I never lied about inhaling or any lovers," he quipped. "So they probably have more important things than me having been kidnaped and tortured." He grinned at one female reporter who groaned. "Morning sickness is torture and I had four months of it thanks to his tiny ass. That's why I went on a vendetta hunt against that group during a mood swing."
He walked off with his son, talking about his son's education problems. They really had to pick a new school for him. He could home school but he was bored at the white house. There wasn't a lot for kids to do there but stare at the guards being idiots on duty. Which Artie excelled at because he found each one and made videos of them to post online. The head of the secret service had politely asked him to stop that. Twice. Then he finally fired people.
Artemis had an idea on schools he might like to attend. One was an all girls school but he pointed out he'd be safe there, women were evil and vicious when they wanted to be so they could protect him and he'd be a true gentleman and never touch one that didn't ask him to. His father patted him on the shoulder with a grin for that idea. A few of the reporters giggled at that. Artie looked at one with a smirk. "I am sixteen." She shivered.
"Son," his father sighed. "Let's not give them hope of an early marriage thanks to an accidental pregnancy." He patted him on the back again. "I'd hate to sell you to marriage at gunpoint but I would."
"Dad, I know everything about condoms. Zombie Aunt Willow made me do a fifteen page paper on the subject of birth control that men could use so they protected themselves and their failure rates, their benefits against STD's, and how to use them subtly in case she was a wallet hunter."
"I know. It was a good paper. Few spelling mistakes though." His son sighed but rolled his eyes. "I know she died around then so didn't care too much about grammar. If I give you a sibling you can polish that and the other papers she had you write so they can read them." He grinned. "The second kid is always more spoiled than the first."
"That's fine. Maybe you'll have a girly little girl who loves pink and shops. You can have Elle be her heroine and role model."
"Or LEPrecon agent Short," he quipped back. "Any daughter of mine would need to be able to kick some butt when necessary but should have the same level of manners you have. And I'm proud you have more manners than I ever did."
"I never had to look at a president and tell him to quit bitching, Dad. You had to do that to three of them. I couldn't have handled that without losing my cool." His father hugged him but nodded. They made it to Congress, found two agents waiting with a car. "Oh, look, they *can* drive," Artemis said dryly. "And show up for things."
"Son," his father sighed. "Though true, it's rich boy snotty."
"Point. Sorry, gentlemen. Bit peeved that he nearly got shot because there were no agents with us for the last three days." They winced. "Let's go home so I can clean my sidearm. Shall we?" The guards nodded, getting them into the car and speeding them back. They had to meet with Congress, who was upset.
Artemis listened then looked at one. "Are you that far out of the loop, dear?" he asked her. "Everyone knew that when I was being carried. The former president went on three different news stations to announce his plan was going forward and he was demanding that I be carried to term and not terminated.
"He put out some bullshit prophecy thing to do that but he went on three different news stations. They interrupted a baseball game in the world series to televise it." She shuddered, shrinking away from him. He smiled a bit. "I'm the same asshole teenage boy I was before. Only now you know that I only had one parent instead of two lending me DNA thanks to a comic book worthy group of terrorists and a former president. It's not *our* fault you didn't pay attention. Quit trying to make it our fault."
"He could give it up and go away," she sneered.
Xander laughed. "Yes I could and I've thought about that many times. Just so I don't have to deal with your bullshit." Xander smirked at the others, who shrank away from him. "Of course, the next in line," he said with a hand wave. "Won't put up with you either. And he's been doing this so long that his seat has specially worn out areas to fit him best. They named an office wing after his family; there's not even one for the Kennedys.
"You won't win. Ever. I grew up dealing with snotty, determined young women who had ideas and braindead moments to try to cover them up." He smirked. "I'm pretty sure if I could survive six months in a house with thirty-one teenage slayers, sixteen uptight watchers, a geek, a vampire, a teenage girl who wasn't a slayer, and one bathroom I can deal with your ass until you give up and go home."
"Dad, you lived in Cleveland with over a hundred of the slayers, of all ages down to sixteen months, and six bathrooms that they shared and your suite they tried to take over for over a year."
"I wasn't going to scare her, son." The speaker of the house coughed, shaking his head quickly. "Before I went to Africa to have a latrine I dug myself to my own." He smiled. "Are any of you tougher than a high school class's worth of teenage girls?" They groaned. "It's nice you can explain your differences but I had nothing to do with Artie coming to be. I woke up pregnant after being tortured." A few slumped. "And I'm not going to fix him now. Someone has to carry on having sense when I die and I sure can't depend on a watcher for that."
Artemis smiled at him. "Even though there's a lot of prophecies saying I'd start a cult of hunters, I don't think I want to join the Council, Dad. I'd have to nag back. It'd ruin my suits."
"Yes it does. Slime will ruin everything you own eventually." He looked at the congress members again. "What were you hoping for?"
"We can impeach you."
"You have no reason to."
"You lied about him being a normal kid," she said with a point at him.
"He is a normal kid. I gave him good role models, ethics, all that. And the judge said earlier he was a real little boy. So you've already lost there." She got up with a scream and tried to attack Artemis, who held her against the wall casually while she struggled. "Son, nice work. Need cuffs? There's some in my bottom desk drawer."
He pointed then got them for his son, who looked at the leather cuffs then used them with a shrug. The woman was sobbing on the floor. Both Harris guys sat down and stared at the others. "Are there other problems you want to try?" Xander asked. "Because it's been a shitty week and I'm about to call up my ex that runs parts of Russia to get a blowjob from him. It's collusion but not really since I'd never give him anything but head."
A few looked sick at that. Xander smirked. "It got me weapons for years because you guys never supported the slayers. How else did we get bigger weapons we needed? And it was really stress relieving, which is why I kept in touch with the better lovers among them." Someone knocked and stomped in wearing ceremonial armor. "Yes, dear? How's your mom? I haven't seen her in weeks."
"She's good, President Harris, but we heard you needed true warriors to guard you and your son." He nodded at Artemis, who smiled and waved a bit. "We would be worthy?"
"I think you guys are so we'll work out a fee structure later for two guards on each of us at a time?"
"That's fine. My mother would be proud of us and sent her greetings, and to spank the boy because he's too cute and girls would like him being pouty."
"It'd get me pounced," Artemis said dryly. "Which I'm not against but I am rather picky about my partners, temporary or otherwise. And of course I'll accept such excellent guards protecting my father. He has to last long enough to nag about becoming a grandfather some year in the future." He smirked at his father then at the guard, who grinned back. "Thank you for the offer. We know your warriors are excellent and well trained in even diplomacy. Are you considering multiple warrior cultures to interview or just your own?"
"I had not considered that but we will open it to other warrior cultures who want to join us," the warrior said with a nod. "Not a bad idea and it would lead to some peace, Son of the Knight." Artemis grinned at that name. "We can wait on your talk finishing. I'm sorry I interrupted. I heard the struggle." Artemis got the bimbo and handed her over to him. "Hmm. We've researched her." He carried her out to put her under true arrest instead of looking like she was submitting to the young Knight's attentions.
Xander grinned at the senators and then his son. "You want kids?"
"Some year I suppose. After I've dallied a bit, found a calling, all that." He waved a hand with a grin. "Someone's got to follow us."
"Point. We would need one. Just make it from *one* mother, son."
"Of course, Dad. I don't need multiple baby mamas. That's trashy." He settled in, dusting a spot of lint off his suit pants. Then he smiled at the senators. Who all were looking panicked at that very idea. "We can have a great heritage like the Kennedys did if we really work at it. They started off lower class too and look what they did with their raising children better than they started off."
The congress members shared a look then decided to leave them alone before Artemis had to make up evil plans. A few went to look up the role models the boy had said his father wanted him to have. A young teenage criminal genius and mastermind that was actually solving problems from the dark side? All but the genius and young part sounded more like Harris himself. The agent one...well, Artemis did take after him in manners, dressing, and skills. Now if only that agency was real so the boy could join up. Or the ones from those Kingsmen movies. He'd fit in very well there.
It came down to realizing how screwed they were with Harris in charge. It was about time to nominate someone against him. They had to find a strong opponent who'd look just as heroic and strong but leaned more their way. Which was apparently impossible at first glance. Unless they promoted a slayer and they were not allowed to serve in public office of any kind because it gave a hint of favoritism to a group of people instead of serving everyone. They couldn't even be mail carriers.
The demon warrior leaned in and Xander waved him over. "C'mon. Let's see how much this'll cost us. The Wolfram and Hart money is just sitting around making baby money that only goes to the son's tuition and his closet." He looked at his son then shook his head.
"And yours, Father. I'm bringing you to my suit shop tonight." He grinned at the warrior. "He needs to look nicer to get a better class of bad girl. Maybe this next one will be a spy. I liked the last one of those."
"She was sweet," Xander agreed, grinning about her. "Too bad she retired and got married." He smiled at the warrior. "How many volunteered?"
"Sixteen."
"That's a good group. Let's go over what they'll need to be able to do and how much you guys make." The warrior nodded, settling in to make that agreement. The head of the secret service would be pissed off but his people had failed on purpose.
"Father, remember, midterms are soon. They'll want an announcement of you staying."
Xander grimaced. "Must I?"
Artemis grinned and nodded. "Yes. To finish your work." He winked. "Before I have to come in when I'm old enough to do it myself. They'll complain but I can overcome most of that probably."
Xander looked at the warrior. "I gave him genius role models who could plan and protect themselves. I should've given him one that knit so he was less tough."
"We all want our spawn to not follow in our bad footsteps. Some day I'll hate to watch my own spawns take up my armor."
"I don't fit in Dad's armor. He's more bulky and I'm more muscular." He grinned. "But let me go find something to pad that in the kitchen. They wouldn't dare poison the sacred twinkies and ho-hos." He strolled off, nodding at his father's secretary. "Going for tasty snack cakes."
"That's fine, Sir." She blinked at him. "Oh, you, not your father."
Artemis grinned. "Of course not. His doctor told him to quit eating tasty snack cake goodness and tried to get a witch to enforce it. I'm younger and cuter. They think it'll hide the muscles." He strolled off looking casual. Everyone decided he looked like he fit in too well but that was how he was brought up.
It got rumors started about him fitting in some of the strangest places, like a leather club and a formal ball when he was fourteen, and with a group of guys out to hunt and fish one weekend. He had learned how to fish that weekend but otherwise they were good to treat him as one of them. There were many rumors about him and his skills but no one really wanted to see what was true. It was more fun to gossip.
Of course the kid took cooking lessons from the chefs. It was an important skill. He took lessons in many important skills. It just made the rumors all the more fun. Even his choice of first car, which was a modest sedan, got talked about. His father joked he had wanted a sports car but being sixteen the insurance was outrageous. Plus no sex in the car in a sports car.
His son had joked back that it was possible but uncomfortable and he didn't want something that was that obvious for later sexual intrigue. The nondescript sedan would do just fine - there was always a way around that block and at least it wasn't an obvious sex car like a station wagon or SUV could be. It fed a lot of people's appetites for scandalous rumors about the mini Xander and his ways.
The fact one of his girlfriends had gushed about his wooing her with paella and then french pastries made a few women swoon. And a few arms dealers drool. One even tried to get to the younger Xander but Artie evaded it with a wink and a smirk then faded into a sidewalk crowd. It had even lost his guard for a block or so.
All the gossips decided it was Artemis and his flirty, scandalous ways that had gotten Xander a second term as president and they all wondered if Artie was going to run when he was old enough. Or if he may go toward something spy-like, like his role models.
No one was ever sure what a Xander could do when he wasn't in a fight situation. Especially the mini Xander clone.
The End. I think.
Portents of Absurd Doom.