A Femme Fatale? Maybe. by Voracity2

A Femme Fatale? Maybe.

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A Femme Fatale? Maybe.

Darcy Lewis looked at the magazine in front of her, which was full of an ad for a new action movie. "I always wanted to the be the femme fatale type," she muttered as she flipped the page.

Jane, next to her waiting on their flight to England, stared at her oddly. "What?"

Darcy grinned at her. "When I was growing up busty," she said with a wave at her chest. "The only role models we had on tv were bimbos, femme fatales for action movies, and porn stars. I have a working brain, I'm not into taping my fun times.... so that left femme fatale." She shrugged but smiled. "I'd make a killer one."

"Aren't they usually model or actress types?" she complained. "And not really realistic in real life, Darcy."

Darcy snorted. "You'd be shocked, Jane. You really would. Maybe if you did stuff that wasn't in the lab?" She stared at her with a grin. "After all, you're about counted as a fairytale thanks to Thor."

Jane grimaced. "That's gross."

"Well, you're the smart commoner that got the love of a prince." She waved a hand with a smirk. "At least you have a long running role model there from those stories. Even if a lot of them do suck. Mine could've been anime girls, some who were bad girls, femme fatales in movies, or porn stars. Or a Hilton sister. What else did I have to look up to for a body image model?"

Jane slumped, grimacing. "That's sad. Really, truthfully, sad, Darcy. Do they wear beanies?"

"The ones who're heiresses can. They're rich, they can be quirky." She smirked. "I could dress up more but you'd ruin the good clothes, Jane. Either with slime or spilling coffee on me."

"You could be a spy yourself."

"Yeah, they've only put out female spies in the last few years. I couldn't look up to that when I was younger." She looked disgusted then let it clear up again. Erik Selvig walked over with his new cup of coffee. "Jane and I were talking about how sometimes you gotta have a role model that's not completely into your type. After all, thanks to Thor she's a fairytale commoner princess now."

Erik raised an eyebrow then looked at Jane. "You are, but thankfully not one of the ones on those girly movies."

"Hey!" Darcy complained with a grin. "They're not *all* bad. Some are so cheesy they're watchable." She shifted to cross her legs and went back to her magazine scanning. "I wanted to be femme fatale sort."

Erik looked at her. "You'd have to dress up."

"Jane's portals would slime me, or she'd spill coffee on me. She did last time," Darcy quipped. "She still owes me a new button up shirt."

"You can steal one of mine," Jane sighed.

Darcy stared at her. "Jane, be honest. Do you honestly think I could fit into your shirts?" Jane grimaced but shook her head, staring at Darcy's chest. Then sighed at that. Darcy went back to her magazine while Erik was busy sipping coffee and rolling his eyes.

"Who was the first female spy on movies or tv?" Jane asked.

"Not totally sure," Darcy admitted. "I'm going to guess Agent 99 from Get Smart."

Jane frowned, looking that up on her phone. "Oh, that show. I didn't watch it very often." She put her phone up again. "Could you really do that?"

"The espionage part? Not sure," Darcy lied. "Totally not sure." She shrugged again, going back to her magazine. "I would be a competent one, unlike so many in the popular media."

Erik shook his head again, quickly this time. "You'd have to lie, Darcy."

"Darcy can lie very well," she quipped. "Has always been able to lie very well, Erik." She smirked at him. "Most women can. We learn how to do it to our dates when we tell them they're interesting." He groaned but went back to his phone and coffee again. Jane was smiling at that, she had learned that skill as well. Their flight to London was finally called so they trooped in to find their seats and settle in for a long flight.

***

Xander Harris looked up at the sky. "I always wanted to be the guy version of a femme fatale in a movie," he quipped to Anya. She snorted at that. "Not the main villain. Too much work. Too many minions to deal with. But the femme fatale wasn't too bad usually.

"Somewhat interesting. Had some fun. Didn't have to get ash out of their hair." He grimaced, walking over to stake a vampire making out with a victim. She fell down and vamped out so he got her too. Then he came back to where Anya was watching. He shrugged at her look. "One less to eat us."

She sighed. "They won't eat me, Xander."

"They will, Anya. I've been the one treating the bite on your leg for a week. You said that was a vampy vamp."

"True." She walked him off again. "Usually those sort are heiresses."

He nodded. "Which isn't a bad career choice." She stared at him oddly. "It's not. It's a lot easier than construction."

"You don't have rich relatives."

He shrugged. "Don't know if I do or not. I haven't met most of my relatives. They hate my parents."

"That feeling's pretty mutual," she complained. He shrugged. She pouted. "They'd steal it from you."

"They're not going to get a cent from me. Willow might try to steal it from me," he said dryly. "She's tried before." She grimaced at that reminder but nodded he was right. "Hell, for all I know, I have a rich uncle somewhere in Europe."

"If you do, introduce us."

He stared at her. Then shook his head with a smirk. "Hell no. They'd probably think you didn't fit in because you'd tell them about our sex life." She huffed and stomped off. He waved at her back. "You tell everyone else!" he called after her. "It's tacky." She huffed loudly but didn't come back. He'd catch up eventually. Probably when she was nearly bitten again.
The vampires were focusing on her recently for some reason. Which was probably Rosenburg complaining about her telling everyone about their sex lives in public since he'd been told they wanted to keep Willow from her complaining and knew not to eat her for it. Anya was an easier target and they weren't as worried about pissing him off as they were pissing off Buffy.

Buffy heard Anya complaining about that whole talk and looked at Xander when he walked into the new Magic Box. Giles had rebuilt it here in Cleveland and someone had temporarily brought Anya back to life somehow. No one was sure why, how, or if there was a purpose but she had come back with Spike the last time. "A femme fatale?" she asked with a grin.

"Yeah, it's not a bad job. I could handle doing the guy version of that." He grinned but shrugged. "Be a whole lot better than an all day of construction and then an all night of patrol."

"So you'd let a spy screw you?"

"There are female spies, Buffster."

"Name one," she snorted.

"Emma Peel, Avengers." He smirked. "Agent 99, Get Smart." He smirked at her. "Your mom's sister in her junior years." Buffy winced at that. "At least according to your mom. I can put up with demanding, dangerous women. I think I've proven that very well."

"True," she agreed with a nod. "You have dated a few of those." She considered it. "I guess it's not a bad career choice if you could do it."

He smirked. "Why would I want to be the main villain? A lot of work, a lot of minions, a lot of doing weird things in weird clothes. I'd rather have nicer clothes and a lot of trips. I'd even learn how to ski."

She snickered at that. "You'd trip."

"Maybe. Everyone does at the beginning." She rolled her eyes and walked off. He made a note about the vamps he had gotten then armed up and looked toward the back area. "I'm heading home," he called. Anya huffed again. "Okay, walk yourself then." He walked off. She hurried out to walk with him. She didn't want to be eaten. He grinned at her. "I heard rumors that they're focusing on you because Willow was complaining about you nagging and complaining. They'd rather piss me off than piss off Buffy."

"She is the slayer," she admitted. "But that sucks."

He shrugged. "Ask around. That's what I heard last week." She muttered something. "Exactly." He smirked at her. "I read that one and it's pretty phonetic." She muttered in a different language he didn't read. He snorted but she gave up. She'd talk with Rosenburg tomorrow.

***

Darcy strolled into a tailor's shop, smiling at the men giving her odd looks. "My mother sent me with a message. I'm Darcy Adara Lewis-Stonager. Daughter of Carlotta Lewis-Stonager. Also known as Cointreau." She handed over the envelope. "I'm supposed to hand that to someone here?"

The guard of the shop looked at the name on it then nodded. "We'll get it to him, Miss. Are you Statesmen also? Techie like your Mum?"

"They said my eyesight was a bummer," she said dryly. "So I'm basically freelance half the time." She shrugged a bit but looked bored. "Half of them think women aren't good for anything when we were often human computers before they made them room sized. Technically I'm a poli sci person interning with a scientist.

"Oh! And we're having a funky thingy in a few months. Some sort of convergence that'll cause some hell as far as we can tell. All nine realms are aligning. My boss Jane thinks it'll cause some pretty electrical storms or something. That's why we're over here to watch over it." She bounced off, putting in her earbuds again.

They didn't need to know her earbuds were special and whomped up, and had given her a map of the whole store and the underground around it. A girl had to have some secrets. It was so sweet of Xander to have found them for her from one of his contacts.

"The Americans really are *cheerful*," the other tailor said dryly. He sent the message off in a vacuum tube. It'd get to their tech people in a few minutes.

***

Darcy was at the club, dancing a bit, being stared at for a bit of being an American instead of a more uptight Brit kid, when someone's hand went around her waist. "Hands of the tazer," she called back, not looking. "I'm not afraid to use it on you."

"That'd be mean, lass," the male voice said.

She turned, staring at him. "You're such a dick," she said with a smirk. "But you knew that, Whiskey." She slugged him across the face and took her tazer back. "Dickface." He pouted at her. She walked over him, going to another part of the floor. "An ex," she said with a hand wave when she was stared at. "Dickface."

The others nodded they knew what that was and why it had to come to a punch. Though she did spot someone and stared at them. Then she smirked as she walked over to pull him onto the floor. "You are *way* too uptight to be in here, dear." He spluttered. She patted him on the hand. "Are you on duty? Or are you and the dickface here for fun?"

The man stared at her. "What are you doing here, Darcy?"

"Jane's studying the upcoming convergence thingy?" She shrugged but moved since the music had started again. "Where did you expect me to be?"

"We were hoping not in London."

She laughed. "Dude, you should've heard Mom's fit when I had to fuck with SHIELD," she said more quietly in his ear. "Because they want Jane's science." He groaned but nodded at that. She grinned. "My whole file is just a gas."

He glanced around. "I'll let your Mom know."

"She saw it first and had to go in to fix it because they got it *so* wrong." She smiled and winked at someone staring at them. "Aww, it's the glasses guys. Come join our glasses summit, dude." She waved him over. He winced but came over. The Statesman in front of her blinked then realized who that was by the glasses he wore. "So?" she asked.

"Why are you in London?"

"Upcoming convergence thingy?" she guessed with a grin. "My boss is like that. She studies that stuff. And is dating Thor if he ever shows up."

Both spies blinked at that then just nodded. She pulled up something on her phone to show them. They stared then groaned in unison, sending that back to their people.

The Statesman agent blinked at her. "Your mother's got a potty mouth again."

"Yeah, that's where I learned it from," she agreed happily. Then she turned and zapped someone. "Hands off the ass! I don't let groping happen unless there's been at least a dinner that has a real dessert. And you're not hot enough to make me hallpass that decision, sweetie." The man walked off pouting. She turned back around again then grinned. "They all want the boobs."

Both guys looked then nodded that was probably true of guys in that club. The Kingsman agent stared at her. "What is going to happen?"

She shrugged. "Don't know. It happens once a millennia. We've already started weird electrical readings though."

Both spies groaned at that. That was a bad thing possibly. They did rely on tech that relied on a steady electrical grid. Such things could knock it down for a bit. "It's this day," she said with a note on her phone. They nodded at that. "And take my prom date with you?" she quipped as she went to get a drink.

They gathered their partners and went to talk. And possibly hack Jane's computers, even though Darcy had it protected. Very little could be gotten into without her destroying their system via spring-loaded virus waiting to bite at any incursion. She was really mean, much more mean than her mother was, and a few of the Statesmen people worried she might go dark on them.

Merlin got around the virus for about ten minutes, long enough to look at the files on the convergence. And then had to fight the backup virus for the next twenty hours. But they figured out why they had been warned in her mother's name. She was right to warn them something huge was going to happen.

Darcy's file was pulled up for the Kingsmen people so they could see some of their ideas on what Darcy could do and what she admitted to being able to do. She could not run or do parkour. She wasn't a physical sort. She was definitely mean when necessary. She was also a bit smarter than she let on.
They listed her as future politician possibly. And the file did list that SHIELD hated her and her boss. Merlin grinned because SHIELD's system was easier to hack and her file was full of things that made them laugh about that young thing.

Eggsy was called in and he looked at the file then nodded once. "Is she seriously a threat?" he asked.

"No," Merlin said, turning to look at him. "She's our US branch's progeny. Tech person in her own right and so's her Mother. She's pre-warning that they're here to look at something weird."

Eggsy nodded. "So we're paying attention to what they're doing?"

"Definitely. Just in case. Especially since she's got another agency that loathes her because they want her boss," Merlin complained. "SHIELD."

"The blokes I ran into last week?"

"Them," Merlin said with a nod. "Exactly them."

"Oh, charming," he complained then grimaced. "Tell me how I'm to monitor." They handed him their upcoming calendar so he could fit himself in somewhere. They could do a lot of it by remote but SHIELD had a bad habit of showing up in the wrong place at the wrong time. Especially at Foster's upcoming science discussion panel. So they could divert that other agency to get them out of their hair.

***

Darcy was rushing around to help Jane set things up and paused to look at the guard back there. Then groaned. She zapped him and made him yelp then run off. "SHIELD Be-Gone!" she called after him with a grin and a wave. "Before I find out if magic is really real in England!"

"Magic isn't real anywhere," Jane complained.

Darcy looked at her. "You may be shocked, Jane." Jane scowled. She smiled. "You might be. You never know. In science you have to disprove it, or think it could be possible." Jane huffed. "Isn't that the scientific method?"

"It is," she complained. "Still, it makes no sense."

"Why would magic make sense to science?"

"It has to have laws governing it. Physics and stuff. Everything does."

Darcy grinned, patting her on the hand. "Just because you don't know of them doesn't mean they don't exist."

"Don't quote me back at me, Darcy." She went over her speech again with a sigh of discontent. "Have you seen magic?"

"No comment. I'll leave that at no comment." Jane's head lifted and she stared at her. "What? You haven't paid attention to things out of LA recently, Jane." She walked off again. "Let me make you more coffee. You're empty."

"Thank you. No sugar this time please."

"Then I'd eat something, Dr. Foster."

"Damn it," she muttered but did take her coffee with sugar and milk from Darcy before she was called on stage.

Darcy watched from the sidelines as Jane went over her speech then took questions. SHIELD would've tried to cover up Thor falling to Midgard but the battle of New York had been seen internationally. So people knew there were aliens.

Jane got asked where she was during that. She grimaced, sipping her coffee. "SHIELD had myself and my assistant moved to Tromso to protect us since Thor would've wanted to see us. Which we do hate them for." She took another sip and put the mug down. "They really are a pain in my science. They even tried to tell me I can't present today."

She smiled and put up the other formula. "Who can guess what this one's for?" They all stared and one in the back moaned. "Exactly. Yes, it's for what you think it's for." She took it down and walked off with her mug of coffee, leaving the host snickering at that. Darcy got her out of there and back to the safety of their apartment.

The agent in the back of the audience had let his glasses record it all. He had no idea who SHIELD were, but the higher ups would tell him if he needed to know. The agent from MI-5 was laughing about the SHIELD remark, he knew who they were and hated them. And the agent near him because he had recognized the glasses and suit. They'd wonder why Kingsmen were at this talk but it was probably something weird. He'd report it later.

***

Darcy was pulled into a meeting thanks to an 'interview' for a temporary secretarial position. Which she hadn't applied for but they covered it by using her former resume being up online. She showed up, knowing what was going on. "Guys, really?" she asked, staring at the agents. "Not like I don't realize that I didn't apply for a job." The agent grimaced. She smiled. "I'd say you're....MI-...6?"

"5, Miss Lewis-Stonager. Just the standard." He stared at her. "What, exactly, is the convergence coming up?"

"All nine realms are going to align." She sat down, staring at him. "By the way, I found your hacking attempt, and the bugs. They're gone, dude. No one needs to see Jane's science. It could lead to it leaking and people like SHIELD already did that. Which led to AIM trying to use it in Greece last month." She gave him a pointed look when he winced.

"We don't allow the theft of science intel. Frankly, we know about when it'll happen. Just be aware it'll get funky electrical signals, all sorts of weird things. It happens once a millennia. We're probably going to have some portal things as far as Jane can tell." That got another wince. "We'd send out a warning when it was starting to get rough, but that would get taken by SHIELD. We know it won't get past them."

"That's great to know. You do know SHIELD really loathes you?"

"Yeah." She smiled and nodded. "I told them to suck my dick. They stole all our stuff because Thor happened. We got most of it back. I had to ask someone to get my i-Pod back for me." She grinned. "They think I'm useless."

"We think you're a bit nuts," the agent offered with a smile. "Political science interning with an astrophysicist that no one likes the theories of?"

"The only one available. I needed science credits." She shrugged but grinned. "Jane's great but has no idea about any of this. And really, how else am I going to see the world through a lot of weird things going on?"

"Would she get upset?"

"Probably. But she did agree we had to warn if it was going to get dangerous for civies." She gave him a pointed look. "How would London deal with a sudden EMP-like event?"

"Not well," he admitted. "Will it do EMP things?"

"No clue!" She grinned at him, leaning back some. "We have no idea. We know there's fluctuations already in the energy streams that're around. We have no idea if there's going to be portals, EMP's, anything. Jane's building a few things to help mitigate it."

"Can you let us know when it's getting...rough as you put it? Without us having to try to bug you?"

"Yeah." She pulled up something on her phone to show him. "My twitter. It's locked but I can add following people." He grinned at that. "I'd put it on there as soon as I could. Might not be the first event. I might be worn out."

"We can fully understand that and watch your times out and about to make sure it's nothing too odd yet. Who were those agents you were with at the club?"

"The one I punched was my prom date. The one I talked to later was a friend of my mother's."

"Is she an agent?"

"Go to Richmond and ask my mother that. I never asked her that question because really, why would I want to know?"

"Point. If we need to we can. Why was he your prom date?"

"Oh, Eliza," she said with a grimace at the end. "Her daddy did...things. Heinous things. They needed a way to watch over her that night while they arrested him so asked my Mom to let them take me to the prom I was going to avoid."

"Oh." He nodded at that. "So since one of them knew your mother somehow..."

"Yeah. I figure maybe Mom was a Bond girl sort in her youth." She grinned. "I wanted to be femme fatale when I was younger, the only body role model I had outside bimbos and porn stars. She just told me it wasn't as fun as it looked. I figured that she might know and I did not need to know more."

He grinned. "She was pretty enough in her early years."

"Mom's still really pretty." She grinned. "I do take after Dad more than her."

"Where is your father?"

"Fuck if anyone knows. He's been missing for ten years." She shrugged. "My uncle is trying to have him declared dead and without a will even though Mom has a will for him and has presented it." The agent sighed. She grinned. "I'm pretty sure Uncle's wife had something to do with that disappearing thing. And I hope they're happy together wherever they ended up. Because if I see him, I'm going to pierce his balls with the most blunt heels I have." She smiled.

"I'm sure many would feel that way. Have you talked to that side's grandmother yet?"

"No, she hates me. She hates Mom too though so...." She shrugged but smiled. "I wrote to tell her we're in London for a bit of studying something, probably for a year. If she wanted to see me I left my number in the letter and she could have me summoned or invite me to tea or something."

"She's an old bat."

"Well, *yes*," Darcy said with a nod and a smile. "She's always treated me that way though. She hated my mother because she took her son out of England and away from her pearls."

"Oh, that reason." He nodded. "Should we have a note sent through your intern Ian?"

She grinned. "He has not a clue about Grandma or anyone on that side of the family. Nor should he. Then again, neither did SHIELD."

He stared at her for a minute. "How did they think you've been an unpaid intern and lived for two years then?"

She shrugged. "They totally got Mom mixed up with some lady from Massachusetts. Their files are so pathetic." She grinned again. "Which I laugh at each time I go in to fix something they've noted that wasn't reality. Apparently I'm a fantasy creature to them. Maybe a unicorn."

"Maybe. They did have you being almost mythical." He shook his head with a sigh. "We'll monitor from the public cameras near your building."

"Okay. Thanks." She smiled. "I really do hate to write new viruses."

"Do you have a cure for the last one we got?"

Darcy grinned and nodded. "Probably." She winked as she got up and grabbed her bag. "We'll see. Turn out like SHIELD, then no, I don't." She left him there.

The agent listened to his supervising agent being amused at her. She hadn't given them anything really but had hinted. She clearly understood agents and how they thought.

She came jogging back in. "You've got a super villain outside," she said with a point. "Armored up and shooting at infamous bars." He got up to go check and call in support since the police were just herding people away from them. She sighed and looked then nodded once and used her tazer to shoot a spike at his back when it was turned.

It shorted out his suit. She discharged the cartridge and ran off before he could make the now useless suit turn around. The agent smiled at that action and moved to help arrest him. "Home Ministry," he said when an officer looked at him. That got a nod and they let him handle the problem for now. They wanted to find out who this person was and why he had done that stupid thing.

***

Darcy was watching the news a few days later and grimacing. She called someone. "Vera, it's Darcy. I just saw the news. Is everyone all right out there? Need anything from me even though I'm in London studying?" She listened to her cousin complain. "Dear, I don't care," she admitted. "I know very well where my father went. Him and your mother went to Antigua and then got hit by a hurricane a year later and died. We found that out last year.

"I'm more worried that you and your helper's daughter aren't okay. Because you're my cousin, Vera, and even though you hate me because you think I'm going to muscle in on your dad's will, and I'm not, I care about people I'm related to. Even if they're bitches. Now, are you and your brother all right?" She listened then sighed.

"Okay. Need me for anything? I can talk to Mom if you can't or won't. I know that. The judge knows that too. Mom had him searched and found out. I'm sure she told your father. But he probably sneered and went to visit Miss Madeline again." She sighed.

"No, Vera, that shit's stupid. It's very stupid. It's greedy and stupid. Frankly, my dad's money and my uncle's money aren't the same money no matter what your dad thought. And that wasn't the money in the family anyway. Dad didn't use it around us," she said dryly. "Mom made him get a real job." She listened to the complaining.

"I can show up to the funeral if you want. No, I don't think so. Sure. If you want that. I'll avoid it so I don't set off your stepmother or whoever." She rolled her eyes. "No, that's reasonable. I'll let Mom know too in case she hadn't heard. Sure, let me know if you need my help."

She hung up and texted her mother, getting an answer back of 'that poor tornado, taking him with it'. Darcy rolled her eyes again and answered that was mean since he was dead. And Vera was worried about them still. She let her mother handle it. She changed the news station when Jane came back from tea with her mother.

***

Darcy was on her laptop in a public library with her headphones on, but in a private room. "I'm in a local library here in England, Your Honor," she told the probate judge. "That way this didn't interrupt my boss's science binge." She listened to him. "I was not told about it until last night. Not an email or anything. My mother isn't there either because she wasn't told at all until I told her."

She stared at the picture of the other lawyer then at the judge's again. "It is not our fault no one warned us this was going on." He agreed with that and went over the will they were there about. "Your Honor, my mother presented my father's will as part of his missing persons decision. Also the information when and how he died. It's under Judge Layfre in Richmond, Virginia."

The judge said he did not have that. "Yes, we're aware that my cousins are greedy assholes, Your Honor. In truth, my father ran away with their mother to go shack up together until a hurricane got them about a year after they both supposedly disappeared from a boating accident," she said dryly. "We can prove that and we've had their bodies exhumed and moved home for burial. My uncle Vincent refused to believe it was her even with DNA matches to the kids." Her mother's picture showed up. "Late, Mom."

"Sorry, had a work emergency."

"Do you have the stuff on Dad's death?"

"Yes, of course. The official copies that went to the judge here." She sent them to that judge. "If I had heard, I would've been there today, Your Honor. I did not hear until my daughter warned me late last night." The judge sighed at that and glared at the lawyer present, who was grimacing. "Frankly, I'm not expecting anything from my former brother-in-law's will."

"I'm only expecting a few pictures," Darcy admitted. "Of me and him. He has two children and a grandchild he doesn't admit to that will inherit most everything and I'm not going to contest that for their father's estate. Unless his will said otherwise. I know he was meticulous in redoing his will every year on his birthday to include real estate changes and the like." Her mother nodded to back that up.

The judge got into the will, looking at the date. It was older. They got to call around to find where he had stashed the newest one. Which was on file with the courthouse. The bailiff found it when he looked it up. The judge read it into evidence, nearly laughing at the statement that the deceased's children were innocent of any carnal relations so of course he did not have a grandchild and never would.

Darcy's mother laughed and noted that was a lie. His son had been found at a prostitution sting and arrested six times in the last year for buying some girlfriend time. "Vera had a daughter but gave it up for adoption because her father demanded she do that or he'd cut her out of the will," Darcy noted. Vera glared at the camera for that.

"She's actually on an oncology ward for some sort of blood cancer. I donated bone marrow last year to help her, Your Honor." She produced those files to prove relationship. The judge read the one before that will, which was at least reasonable. Long before her uncle had walked outside during a tornado to yell at it for coming near his estate.

Darcy's mother spoke up. "Point of order, Your Honor. That's not *his* estate. That's my house. I own my house. His brother's name was never on it. He didn't want to be put on it, because that would give his brother a reason to complain to us. Frankly, if he's trying to claim my house, there's a problem there."

He asked about the information she had on that so she sent over her deed and tax bill, basically her insurance file. He noted she was telling the truth and sighed, going to the older will. That one was messy and had a gift to a whale in an aquarium instead of his children so Vera and Vincent Jr. complained. He looked at the one before then and then threw them all out and decided some things. The kids could split their father's estate. If they could figure out what was his.

"Your Honor, a point there," Darcy said patiently. "You just mentioned something of mine from my maternal grandmother," she said dryly. "That cameo set is from her to me because Mom didn't want it. How would my uncle even realize it was in existence since it's sitting in a bank vault for safety reasons?"

The judge looked at the lawyer to explain that. Darcy's mother agreed with that but had to mute herself to yell at someone on her end then came back and apologized. Somehow a goat had gotten into their work space according to her.

"A goat, Mom?" Darcy quipped. "Really?" She nodded. "Huh." She looked at the pictures again. "He's trying really hard to claim a lot of stuff that's never been from his family." Vera complained that cameo set was hers. Darcy produced pictures of her unwrapping it at a birthday event. Vera lost her temper and screamed they were just poor people anyway! They had no right to such things! Darcy laughed loudly, shaking her head.

"Oh, Vera. If only you knew the power of Google to look people up. My grandmother's a Countess here in England." The girl looked horrified. Darcy's mother nodded at that. "She hates that Mom's in the US and hates that Mom had me, because she really hated your dad.

"The same as your grandmother hated my dad for leaving her and hates Mom for stealing him. We have more things and more money than your family does, dear. We just don't live like we're worthless money vacuums. Mom expects us all to have a career of some kind or another. Even if I had went into politics instead of helping people or charities as I had hoped for." She smiled at her. "The only worthless one in that group is the one who has nothing but money in their lives. I mean, do you even have friends?"

The judge complained. Darcy's mother agreed she had demanded that. Even if her mother had relented for her marrying and moving to the US to get away from her badger-esque problems. The judge asked about that and Darcy's mother produced information on their family's worth and what their family owned. The full file.

Vera had a fit, a huge fit, because her mother had the loan on their house. Vincent Jr. was looking horrified and his new wife, of nineteen days, was a gold digger who was glaring at him for being not as rich as she thought. Darcy had noticed that but hadn't pointed it out yet. Her mother...had less tact and did point it out to the nephew. That wife stomped off and promised to divorce him because he couldn't afford her lifestyle for her.

Darcy shook her head. "Tact, Mom."

"Oh well! I can't *stand* gold diggers. Speaking of worthless. You can do better, Junior. Hopefully the next one will be better for you and have some sense too."

The judge glared at her picture then went back to the particulars of the will and who owned what. Darcy called her maternal grandmother's lawyer about one thing. "Hold on. That's my maternal grandmother's. I'm conferencing in her lawyer." He glared at her. "The probate judge over Vincent Sr.'s will is trying to claim something of Grandmother's, Mr. Henries.

"I've got you on video conference with me, Mom, and the judge's courtroom if you turn on the camera to that." He did that, letting the judge explain what was going on. He went over the list with him and noted what was the daughter and granddaughter's things from inheritance that hadn't been handed over yet and what they had. "That was Great-Grandma's," Darcy sighed. "She bought it from a Russian fleeing the revolution. It's in my safety deposit box."

The lawyer looked that up and noted it was supposed to be her eighteenth birthday present. Darcy looked at him. "I'm twenty-four." He sighed at that and nodded he hadn't realized. The judge covered up a laugh with a cough and they went over the rest of the estate. The kids got what was actually their father's, not what he had tried to claim was his.

Darcy's mother got to go shoot a goat according to her when she signed off. Darcy waved. "Thank you, people. I'm sorry it had to come to this messiness." She hung up and leaned back with a groan, taking her headphones out of her ears. She tipped her head back to stretch her neck then went to visit that lawyer's office. That way they could figure out who would go tell the old bat.

***

Darcy showed up with Jane to wander around the gardens for some stress relief. "Let me sign us in so they know we're wandering," she quipped, heading inside. She stared at the housekeeper, who gasped. "She in? I need to inform her that we saved some of her stuff from Mom's brother-in-law and I'm letting Jane wander around the garden before her science blows up a building in London by accident."

"She's in the study, Miss Darcy." She blinked a few times. "You grew up pretty!"

She smiled. "Nothing at all to do with me. All the good genes, Hilda." She patted her as she walked past her. "Jane won't be nosy or anything, she just needed to go find some fresh air. It's safe here since we have agents trying to tail us to steal her science."

"Awww!" She went to announce her. "Madam, your granddaughter is here." She got out of there. The old bat hated her granddaughter.

Darcy walked in with a smile. "Grandmother!" She blew an air kiss from the other side of the desk. "I'm letting my boss wander the gardens. Her science was tangled and about blew up a building in London recently by accident. It's safe here from agents."

"Like your mother?" she demanded dryly.

"No, they know nothing about Mom. Even with a background check they know nothing about Mom." She grinned. "I came to let you know that the uncle, Dad's brother, his will was probated and in it he tried to claim some of your things." She grimaced at that, staring at Darcy. "I called Mr. Henries to help that. He tried to claim the emerald pendant I got from your mother when I turned ten.

"Mr. Henries got it all straightened out so it's safe again. But he did say he was going to talk to you about doing a search for assets that were doubly listed by someone else for whatever reason." She stared at her. "Mom agreed he could look through what she had and what I had, as my records are back there right now. But safely stored. And I agreed too but he thinks that guy tried to not only steal this house but the other estate house."

"Did he manage it?"

"No, Mom and I both video conferenced the hearing because no one told us it was going on. We told the judge when he tried to put it into the estate of that uncle. Then I called in your lawyer because some of it was yours and I had no idea about the things here. I remember you said Mr. Henries was a life-long barrister for you."

"He is," she agreed with a nod. "Is it all safe?"

"As far as I know. That judge did agree that it wasn't his when proof was given. He was very reasonable and responsible. And a bit tired of his kids. That uncle's last will said that his children had no carnal knowledge when the son had been arrested for buying prostitutes of questionable age ranges six times and the daughter was forced to give up her child or be cut from the will."

"I've seen worse," she admitted. "The one with you?"

"My boss Dr. Jane Foster." She grinned. "She's working on a few bridge applications for space travel. Her portal was misset somehow so nearly got a building down earlier. I brought her up to get some fresh air. We're going to wander the gardens and maybe sit at the pond."

"What if I minded such?" she demanded patiently.

Darcy stared at her then smiled. "It's my name on the estate's deed, Grandmother and I don't mind if you do that." Her grandmother rolled her eyes. "Mom did that with the loan you needed. That way it was safer and I had a safe location to run to." She shrugged.

"Really, Mom considers you a really ornery ghost at the moment. She didn't want to show up to talk to you herself because you two just fight all the time. So I'm going to help Jane get some fresh air." She grinned. "Let me know if I need to talk to Mr. Henries or someone else about things that're listed weirdly. Mom and I both said we would if he needed us to."

"Do you want my title some day, Darcy?"

"Hell no!" She smirked. "I'm not into that, Grandmother. If I must I'll take it as I'm the only grandchild, but it should go to Mom first. Then again, I'm busy. Mostly nagging Jane to do sensible things like sleep and eat." She shrugged but smiled. "Mom's fine. She had to fight a goat that got into the office the other day. She wouldn't mind a call if you wanted to do that."

"Perhaps. I am getting older."

Darcy nodded. "Age comes to those who're lucky."

"Does your ...boss know who you truly are?"

"No. She never asked." She grinned at her. "She knows not a thing about Mom either. Jane's really into her science and that's about it." She left, going to lead Jane around to show her nice places in the garden. Including the koi pond. Jane got to feed them and it was calming for her.

"Is this estate usually open?" Jane asked her.

"No but Mom knew the owner so I'm bumming the gardens. She's an old lady who watched Mom when she was younger."

"Oh. That's neat." She nodded, going back to the fish. "Is there a pattern to their colors?" she asked finally. "They seem to look alike."

Darcy looked then nodded. "Yes. Probably." Jane sighed but nodded, leaving it at that. Darcy wouldn't tell her it indicated the safe path through the security system. Her grandmother had cloned the original fish the security path had come from and if she changed it, she cloned the new fish to make sure she didn't forget.

"Is this one of the estates that have a famous or infamous story behind it?"

"In the sixties it was said the old lady who owns this was part of a group that was fairly revolutionary and a bit chaotic. No one's sure if it's true or not. She's a badger of an old dame but I have no idea if she was a minor villain in her younger years."

Jane just nodded at that. "How hard is it to do that?"

"It's all about the friends you choose," Darcy quipped with a grin for her. "Bad friends and all that." She threw in some of the feed for the fishes, letting them go back to eating. Darcy pulled out a few sandwiches for them and it was nicer. Jane was relaxed. Darcy was relaxed. Her grandmother wasn't complaining loudly. It might be a nice, relaxing day.

***

Xander looked around the problems going on. "Wow," he said. "Portals." He sighed, heading for one he recognized. "Portals!" he called. The coven came to see the news broadcast and then whined. He went through one to look at the being that was also coming through on that side in London. "Hey, Bertha!"

"Dragon!" a civilian screamed and pointed.

Xander looked at her, nodding. "Yes, she is. Her name is Berchta but she prefers Bertha now as the original name was Norse. She said it's hard to hear mispronounced." He scratched under he chin. "How're the caves near you? Did you get to move yet?"

"I have," the dragon purred then snuffled his chest. "You smell nice today, Xander."

"Thank you!" He grinned as he looked over. "Oh, that shit." She laughed. "Give me a sec, Bertha." He strolled over, pulling a sword off his necklace to use on an elf being. "Welcome to Midgard," he quipped in ancient Norse with a smirk. "Please be sure to book your return trip home." He got into the fight, making them back away from the civilians.

"People, I work with slayers!" he announced. "Get out of the way unless you're jumping into the fight!" The civilians ran. "Thank you!" He waved his free hand and got back to helping. Finally the elves died. So he went back to the dragon, who was still snickering at all that. "I know but hey," he said with a shrug. He grinned and scratched her again. "You shouldn't get hurt if that portal snaps, Berchta."

"I won't be. It'll be fine." A witch came over so the dragon snuffled her. "Oh, you work with that one that tainted Xander. Welcome, dearie."

"This is Berchta but she said to call her Bertha," Xander introduced.

"She's a dragon. When did you even meet her, Xander?" the witch asked patiently.

He grinned. "Post grad roadtrip believe it or not. The one that I ended up stranded during." He shrugged but went back to petting her until she could disappear again. He nodded at the hammer that flew towards him. "Well met, Mjolnir," he called with a wave. "You should probably go be safe before something icky tries for you again and your human has to clean you a lot." It flew towards the two scientists and the intern. Who he did know but he wasn't going to admit to it.

Bertha looked. "Oh, that's Darcy!" she cooed. "DARCY! Love!" She waved a paw.

"Oh, hey, Berchta!" She ran over to hug her. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, dear. Are you?"

"I'm doing okay with my new boss Jane." She winked at her. "Jane, come meet Bertha!"

"That's a dragon," Jane said but did come over. "Hello. I'm Dr. Jane Foster."

"Charmed, dear. I met Darcy *years* ago." She nuzzled Darcy. "She's such a sweet thing and made very good people cookies."

"I made her non-gingerbread men," Darcy explained.

"Oh! Yeah, I love her cookies too," Jane said with a smile and petted her gently on the paw. "I thought the scales would be rougher, but you're really smooth and have better skin than I do."

The dragon nose nudged her. "That takes lotion, dear. You could use some to cure the hangover dry skin." She nudged her then cuddled the other two again before disappearing before her portal snapped shut.

Darcy grinned at Jane. "I met her in my gap between college and high school. She was a really sweet dragon." She nodded at the other two then walked Jane back to where Thor was complaining manfully. "Thor."

"Darcy. Jane." He stared at Jane. "Are you well?"

"I'm fine, Thor. Are you okay?"

"No! The usurpers will not survive!" someone shouted and ran towards them.

"Mother fucker, I'm standing right the hell here!" Xander shouted. "Don't you *dare* go near those women!" The demon paused and stared then giggled but he died quickly when Xander got him with his sword. "I warned your ass!" The others in his little pack backed off. "Do we think it's a good idea to do this right after a battle, beings?" They ran before he got them. "Have a great day!" he called with a smile and a wave after them.

"Xander?" Thor asked, staring at him oddly. "Why are you here?"

"Doing my duty, Thor. I do still train the minis." He shrugged. "Then we had portals that connected to the hellmouth." He strolled off. "You need a haircut."

Thor sighed. "Later, Xander. Much later." He looked at Jane again. "He was at a battle I helped with," he explained.

"Oh, okay." She nodded at that, watching the clean up starting. "We should probably go hide."

"We should," Darcy agreed, grabbing Ian's hand to drag him with them. "It's marg's time!"

"Some refreshment would be pleasant," Thor agreed, going with them for now. He nodded politely at the witch. "Ma'am."

"Thor." She blinked at him. "Is your mother well?" His face hardened and he shook his head. "I'm sorry for her loss then, Thor. She was a great woman and we all felt the sudden absence but weren't sure," she said gently, patting him on the arm. "All the witches will be grieving with your family."

"Thank thee," he said quietly with a nod. He went with the ladies. Darcy gave him a drink that was stronger than he was used to but it was tasty. He could use a few good minutes of not thinking.

The witch looked at Xander. "How did you meet a dragon in Oxnard, Xander?"

He grinned. "I walked into a cave on a beach day and it had a portal."

"Oh." She sighed but nodded. "You do such things." She took him with her back to the Council's building. "The dragon was very happy to see Xander again," she reported. "Thor's lost his mother as well, ladies." They all sent up a prayer of mourning for her before telling other witch friends.

Xander looked at Giles, shrugging. "Was that some magic user or natural?"

"Natural," he admitted. "There's a convergence that happens every so often. All nine realms align."

"Oh. That's cool." He nodded at that, heading to clean up and clean his sword. The slayers were giving him weird looks. He shrugged at them and grinned. "I met her on a beach day. I walked into a cave." Buffy moaned. "You should thank Willow for blowing up my car in Oxnard." He went up to hide in his room for a bit.

***

Thor looked at Darcy. "How did you meet Berchta?"

"I walked through a doorway by accident."

"Oh. That makes sense. Sometimes that realm does connect to places." He sighed and had another drink. "I should get home for a few hours."

Jane stared at him. "Hours?" she quipped. "Again?" He winced but gave her a hopeful look. "There's a bridge, Thor. You can at least phone call."

"Yes, my Jane." He left after kissing her. He had much he had to handle.

Jane and Darcy shared a look, glanced at Ian since he was passed out, then went back to drinking. Agents were already converging and starting to get pushy. They weren't going to deal with them.

***

The Kingsmen agents who had shown up to help were back at the Camelot estate, all patched up, and heaving a fit that they had elves of all things in London. Merlin looked at one. "Well, she said it'd be a big thing," Merlin quipped. "Looks like she knows what an understatement is." They groaned. "Anything good to report?"

"The campus got evacuated," Eggsy said. "We pulled fire alarms and they all ran. Very few missing there. Agents from MI-5 were doing the same thing, we ran into 'em," he said then yawned. "Saw a dragon?"

Merlin stared at him oddly. "Dragon?"

"Dragon. Hanging half out a portal," Roxie said from next to him. "The guy that scared the demons and had a sword was petting her and so did that scientist."

"Huh." He reviewed the tapes, nodding at that. "That is a dragon. Who is that?" he muttered, enlarging and enhancing the picture. Which made the system restart itself. "Only a few groups do that."

"Well, he killed a demon," Roxie said with a grin. "He fought with a sword."

"He's probably Council," Eggsy agreed with a nod. "And actually is the guy who I think is the trainer for the girls at home in Africa." Merlin stared at him then looked that guy up, nodding at that. "Figures why he scared the demons trying to attack the blond guy."

"Thor," Roxie said, looking at him. "Member of the Avengers team in the US."

Merlin sighed. "Just what London needs. Norse gods." They both smirked at him. The other agents were groaning. "Why was he there?"

"Earlier he talked to Dr. Foster," one of the lower agents said quietly. "Looking at her background file through SHIELD she was there when he got sent to earth by his father for being an idiot son. Which SHIELD showed up about the hammer that also fell."

Merlin looked that up through SHIELD's files. Not like they couldn't be easily hacked. That gave him a better idea. "No wonder she warned us," he said happily. Roxie snickered and nodded. "Great!" He looked at them. "All of you go rest and recover. MI-5 has the city safer tonight just in case with the Met's people."

They all nodded, going to their suites to rest and hope they never had another battle with elves and multiple realms. Kingsmen weren't really cut out for that sort of mess; they weren't that sort of knights. Merlin got a drink and complained a bit. SHIELD agents had shown up, eventually, and MI-5 was more than welcome to deal with those idiots instead.

***

Darcy looked at the message she got from a lawyer up-country and sighed. She sent it to her mother, who didn't answer. Which meant she could be busy or she could be in trouble, or she could've just found a stud to sleep with finally. But the letter was explicit in the turnover. She pulled out a suitcase she hardly ever used and got really dressed in real people clothes as she usually called it.

"Jane, I've gotta go talk to someone about that old lady we use the gardens of," she called as she put on her jacket then left. Jane was snoring on her notebook but the system Darcy had set up would give her that message in a bit. She went to the office the letter had told her to go to. "Hi." She handed over that message.

"Name, Miss?" the receptionist asked politely, fingers ready to type.

"Darcy Adara Lewis-Stonager. Countess Lewis-Stonager apparently." She sighed. "Wilhimina was my maternal grandmother."

The receptionist typed that in and stared at the entry that came up. "Are you here about her or your other grandmother?"

"She's gone? The last time I heard, yesterday, she was stinking up Everest Hospice."

"We've got a listing for her. I'll route them both for you, Miss."

"Thank you." She nodded, settling into a chair until they came to get her for this meeting. She walked in and nodded at Mr. Henries. "Both grandmothers? Did Vincent Jr. finally poison her?"

"Apparently through her dog." He grimaced. She sat down at his hand wave. The other two lawyers came in. "Your grandmother is ill and requested to turn it over to you sooner instead of later." Darcy nodded once at that. "I know you're not set up to do things."

"I mean, not really. I'm officially an intern for an astrophysicist. I don't expect to do much entertaining either." She looked at the other lawyers. "My paternal grandmother has a few other grandchildren."

"She cut that son out of her will for daring to have a daughter," that lawyer complained.

"Well, Vera's not a good girl but she's at least better than her brother Junior."

"There's a small trust for Miss Vera," that lawyer admitted. "She set it up for each of you."

"No, she set it up for them," she said dryly. "Grandmother, both of them, hated that my parents married. The paternal one wanted a son to cling to and my maternal one thought my mother was a flighty hippie type and detested that she got married two days after I was conceived. The old badger still hates me." She smiled. "Though I am a good chip off the block she started."

She waved a hand in the air. "The paternal grandmother doesn't even admit I exist most of the time." They both grimaced at that admission. "She wanted my father to clutch her pearls with her. Instead he married, had me, cheated a lot, and then ran away with his mistress, his brother's wife, and they died thanks to a hurricane. His brother was still trying to get all of my father's stuff when he himself died thanks to going out to scream at a tornado for daring to come near his house."

Mr. Henries laughed. "You definitely are a chip off Wilie's block, Darcy," he agreed happily. "I can't reach your mother."

"Me either when I tried before I came over. I figure she finally found a man or she's at work." She shrugged. "If something happened we'd have to handle it." She looked at him then at the other two. "What did the Doom Squad of Grandmothers want?"

"An heir," one said. "You're the oldest grandchild." She nodded. "It should go to the grandson but he's been ruled unable to take it due to having his criminal history."

She smiled. "Junior's not good. At much or for much really." She shifted to cross her feet under the table. "Okay, so I can now officially call myself Countess?" They nodded at that. "How do I deal with the two estates?" Her phone beeped so she looked. "That's my boss. Let me text."

She declined the call and texted. Jane sent back to have her pick up some groceries. Darcy agreed and put her phone back into her purse. She put her purse back down. "My boss woke up." She sighed. "What do I need to do? Do I have a residency requirement now? Or something like an approval board?"

"Yes, the ones over the titles and inheritances of them will have to agree," one said with a nod. "Though your maternal Grandmother's wishes will be taken into account."

Darcy nodded at that once. "The other problem? Because I'm sensing one."

"You were seen at that event the other day?"

"That was my boss trying to mitigate it. I was helping her try to calm down the hell that came."

"Oh, all right. So that wasn't her doing?"

"No, that was natural. The nine realms aligned. Like our solar alignments, it can cause some funky things. This time it caused portals. It happens about once a millennia."

"You were talking to a dragon?" the other asked.

She smiled. "Believe it or not I was on a beach vacay and had to hide from some sudden rain in a nearby small cave. I stepped through her doorway by accident. I made her cookies. She was pleased." They groaned, including her grandmother's attorney. She looked at him then at them. "I'm a bit weird but I'm fun." She smiled.

"Are there things that they'd count against you?"

"One arrest. An officer totally decided me clubbing was me picking up a trick when I wasn't. He decided I was a lesbian and tried to correct that for me and arrested me when I kicked him in the balls to defend myself." She smiled. "I had that thrown out and him fired when I sued them for all their money and he ended up committing suicide as I was fifteen and he had tried to rape an underage me. He didn't want his family to live with that."

"Ah," the three lawyers said with a nod.

"You should also hear that SHIELD hates me. They want my boss's science work. They think I'm uselessly in their way and I'm not. I don't put up with that. At all." She smiled. "They really want me to disappear so they can get Jane."

That got a nod. "That's not really a black mark against you. Do you go by your full name?"

"No. I go by Darcy Lewis. Political science graduate from Culver university and intern for Dr. Jane Foster. The few who know, are mostly like you guys and officials of some kind or another." She shrugged. "I'm in the US mostly. I don't use Dad's name because it'd get me associated with my former uncle. I can't use the title for anything over there."

They nodded at that. "Though I will accept and be the flag bearer for the families if I must. As the paternal grandmother told me, sometimes you gotta do the duty even if you hate it. She was talking about her time sexbaiting German soldiers in France to poison them but I can do the same. Someone's got to hold up standards and prove the cousins aren't the real family."

"What of your aunt? There's a daughter listed."

"She joined some group in the seventies, some intelligence group in the seventies. Apparently she died on duty." That got a nod. "My middle name is after her. Dad made sure. He did like his sister even though he hated her completely. He swore about how stupid she was for years for going to do intelligence work as a librarian for them."

"Ah," the lawyers said, making a note of that.

"What of your other grandmother?"

"Well, I know, thanks to Mom reading her journal, that she had been a courier in World War II. Very young and pretty so they thought she was a Victory girl. She didn't get to take out many Germans but she did free some under confinement. Then once her kids were in school she was said to have joined up with Joregson's group of militant humanists."

Mr. Henries winced at that. She grinned and patted him on the hand. "There was never any proof when they arrested them on whatever they got them on. Grandmother rather retired after that to seethe about the world."

"She only had the one child?"

"Yes. Her husband died of a heart attack one night when Mom was about five according to her. She said they had been having an argument and he suddenly fell over. The coroner rated it as a heart attack." That got a nod. "She hated that Mom was still there and had to listen to her grow more and more bitter about humanity. But then she married and her mother got mad that she wasn't there anymore."

"That figures," Mr. Henries admitted. He made that note. "Your grandmother wishes to stay on the estate."

"It's in hers and my name and I'm fine with that. What use do I have for an estate house?"

"Point," he decided. "Why is your name on it?"

"She needed a loan. Mom put my name instead of hers on there."

"Oh." He nodded, making that note. "Was that when she was sick?"

"No, that's when the roof fell on top of her and the house needed a lot of work."

"Oh, that year. Yes, I remember that." He smiled at her. "It was well repaired."

"I'm glad. Though it's been twelve years so it probably needs to be fixed again soon?"

He shook his head. "It was rated for twenty years."

"That's great." She smiled. "By that time, Jane and Thor should've been able to work out their shit so I might have the time to go live there myself. Play with Grandmother's sixties radio equipment and the like."

"Did you know that man who petted the dragon with you?" one of the other lawyers asked.

She smiled. "I've seen his picture on a few things. I studied the slayers coming out for a report in college as well. The political ramifications of a new group showing up and them being mostly female, and a few very uptight guys, who fight things most people thought were fairytales."

"Interesting." He nodded, making that note as well. The sonic device that they were using to force her to not lie clearly was working well as a test. It wasn't but they were sure it was. He decided to test it. "Miss Lewis-Stonager, are you a natural brunette?"

"Yes. I haven't dyed my hair since high school, when I went vibrant red and then purple for a bit when it faded." She smiled. "That annoying buzzing thing if that's why you're asking? Yeah, I know about it. It doesn't work if you have a slight hearing difficulty." He gaped. She stared back with a smile.

"I felt it when I came in, dudes." Mr. Henries looked horrified. She smiled and patted him on the hand then looked at them. "You know, you guys really shouldn't be SHIELD aligned, even SHIELD Europe. Not like I didn't look you up on the way here. I'm very paranoid about SHIELD and their BS ways." She smiled, standing up. "Anything else today?"

"Will Dr. Foster like it when she finds out you lied?" one sneered.

She pulled out her phone to hit the app to video call, getting Erik. "Hey, Erik, do you think Jane'll mind if I inherit a title from a grandmother? Apparently I'm now a countess and the SHIELD Europe lawyer here just sneered that they think she'd mind."

He turned his head then the phone toward Jane, who was sipping coffee and shaking her head. "Countess? Not a higher level one, Darcy? Is that the house with the garden? Because we could probably see a lot of stars out there."

"Other side, Janey." She smiled. "Her estate is called Everest and it's full of trees no one's taken care of for centuries. Not sure about stars though. We can go see this weekend."

"Cool. I could use some outdoor time."

"I'm so proud!" Darcy said happily. "Be back soon." She hung up and put the phone back into her purse, staring at the guy. "I don't think Jane minds. I mean, she's dating a prince." She shrugged, helping Mr. Henries up. "We'll evacuate the normal people from SHIELD, Mr. Henries. They're a bit dirty. Like Pigpen on the Peanuts cartoons."

She walked off with his arm in hers, heading outside. She sighed, popping her neck. "If it gave you a headache, it's meant to do that so you can't think well enough to lie." She looked at him. "Tell Grandma I said hi. I'll talk to her in a few days."

"You still have to interview with the board for inheritances."

"Set it up for me?" She smiled, patting him on the hand. "I can interview if they demand." She strolled off. "Call if you need me."

"Of course I will." He was so amused. "So much like her grandmother but happier with humanity," he decided. "Such grace though." He went to tell his staff about that so they could make plans. Or plots. He was aware that one of the lesser lawyers was aligned to another group he didn't work with.

***

"Countess?" Jane asked as Darcy walked in. "Since when?"

"Since a grandmother apparently died or something." She shrugged but smiled at her. "Not like it counts in the US, Jane."

"Point. So like a real money background?"

"Not totally. Though it is how I've survived as an unpaid intern for two years." Jane sighed at that but nodded.

"I figured you had a trust," Erik Selvig said from the couch. "Does Ian know?"

"No and I'm not telling him," she said dryly. "Unless there's a prenup in my future, nope." Both scientists nodded at that. "But anyway, Everest is a nice enough house. Bit run down. That grandmother had sex baited Germans in World War II and poisoned them after she got happy." She grinned at Jane, who was blushing. "Sometimes you gotta cure a bitch, Janey."

"Point. Can we go there to see if it's a good place for stars?"

"Sure, later this weekend. I have to look a few things up first. The SHIELD Europe guys were shady as hell." Jane nodded at that so Darcy sat down to look them up better. Including talking to a few former friends and potential coworkers. And her mother, who still didn't answer so she video called her desk, getting her assistant. So she put in her earphones to speak silently.

"Where's my mother?" The assistant jumped, staring at her oddly. "Her mother-in-law may have died and her own mother is apparently about to give up. And do we know anything about these two names?" She sent them over. "They're SHIELD Europe aligned. Had that sonic headache thingy to stop lying."

"Shit," she muttered, looking them up. "They're not legal and they're Wolfram and Hart. Huh. So that's SCU's job. Unicum's not here." She looked at the screen. "Neither is Limoncello or Campari." Darcy smiled at that acknowledgment. "Strega is somewhere nearer to you though. She may know something about them. If not, try for CC?"

"Cacao should know," she agreed with a nod. "Can you warn Campari? Please?"

"I can do that. What is going on?"

"Two grandmas, both maybe gone. One's 'retiring'. Which is Mom's mom." The assistant grimaced. "Yeah, it's weird, and I keep running into SHIELD."

"I'll warn Campari to see if he can help, Darcy. Be careful."

"Oh, if I have to, I'll go see a Grandma and see if they still have their radio equipment." She smirked and wiggled her fingers before hanging up. She leaned back with a sigh then called someone. "It's me."

***

Xander answered his phone. "Excelsior!" he said happily but was faking it. The others stared at him oddly so he got up to walk off. "What's up, Exey?" He listened. "No, Wolfram and Hart are super bad guys. They're the ones behind the invasion in LA. Why are they in your grillz?" He listened then turned to kick a chair while nodding.

"Yeah, don't like those odds. Can you eva? That'll probably help, yup. Go see....oh, what was that place? No, not them. They still exist? Huh!" He nodded at that. "Cool. I'll pay attention to that around here." He looked up the hallway.

"I think I have an idea. Be safe. Let me know. And if I have to help, let me know faster, Exey. Or him if you have to go through him, yup. Sure." He hung up and went to pull the guy staring at him up the hallway into a closed room then turned on the blockers he had on his phone. "What the hell is Kingsman doing in the Council?" he asked quietly.

"How do you know?" he hissed back, looking around.

"Dude, what have I done for the last two years?" he shot back. "I can name a few's body parts for them and I knew already thanks to the poker circuit. I was waiting to see what you were doing but now things seem to be pertinent. What are you doing here? Because if you're a threat, you should flee."

"I was sent to gather intel in case something huge happens and we have to help the girls. After LA, they got paranoid that none of us knew anything. And Merlin just said you don't have any known files, Harris."

Xander grinned. "Yeah, he's looking in the wrong spot. And I'm not going to tell him where to look either. He's too high class." He stared at him. "Right now, we're looking at others trying to get in and hurt the girls. I spotted a SHIELD guy and ran his ass off."

"He wanted to hire on, was retired."

"No," he said with a smirk and a head shake. "He's not retired. They don't retire." The agent winced. "SHIELD is in for a world of bad. Mostly because they've started it themselves." He looked outside the window then at him again. "So...."

"We're here to protect the girls. Not you, but the girls."

"You had better keep it there. I can handle myself. Sometimes." He smirked. "And if not, I have a few poker debts." The guy winced at that reminder. "Or I have a group I play with in Africa who could probably help me." The guy blinked, shifting his glasses. "Awww, he didn't realize?" He grinned.

"He's still looking too highbrow. And on the wrong continent probably. My contacts said that he's all twisted and turnt." He gave him a pointed look. "Your only duty is to guard the girls. Am I clear? If that bothers your orders, I want you to flee me killing you for it. Because if they even get harmed I'm going to be up your ass. And I'll drag help with me to eat it for me."

"I understand. Those are my orders."

"Good. Make sure of it. And send Merlin a note about him still owing my uncle Tony a poker hand for free." The guy's eyes went wide. Xander grinned. "He's looking too high brow." He opened the door and turned off the blockers on his phone, seeing the slayer out there. "He's got a former tie to an intelligence group. I wanted to make sure it's done with."

Buffy nodded. "I like that. It means I don't have to kill him myself for hurting the minis."

"No, I'm here to protect the minis," he said firmly. "If you die, I can mourn but my orders are to watch over the minis and evacuate them if I must."

"That'll be fun," Xander quipped. "Go to SiSi's house if you do. She'll bitch and whine but go 'it's better if Xander doesn't have to come guard them himself' when you tell her I sent you." He patted the guy on the cheek then left him to be talked to by Buffy. "W and H are trying to infiltrate SHIELD by the way."

"Wolfram and Hart?" Buffy asked. Xander nodded as he walked off. "Why?"

"I don't know," the agent admitted. "It's weird though."

She stared at him. "He won't get you if you end up hurting a mini."

"I know, Summers. I'm on duty to guard your girls for you. Just in case. I'm a Brit."

"Oh, okay. I'll trust Xander on this. Since he left you living, I'll go with that." He nodded. "Go tell Giles though. Before Xander does. Or Willow finds out."

The guy stared at her. "She's woefully out of date for hacking, Summers. We can defeat all hers easily." He went to tell Giles on himself with his supervising agent's permission. "Mr. Giles, may we speak?" he asked, nodding at Andrew.

Andrew stared at him. "Xander called you a Knight. I don't want to know why." He left.

"A knight?" Giles said, leaning back to stare at him. "Who sent you, Mr. Higgins?"

"Merlin."

Giles sucked in a fast breath then nodded. "Tell him he still owes me twenty quid for that lunch." He sat up, staring at him. "Why tell me now?"

"I'm here to guard your girls. Harris just found out apparently."

Giles smiled, shaking his head. "No, he's known. He can spot one of you faster than anyone around here. I don't know how but he's probably known since you walked in the doorway, Higgins." He smirked. "What else is going on?"

"He just said Wolfram and Hart are infiltrating SHIELD."

"Hmm. I don't particularly like SHIELD but I don't want them to do harm to anyone."

"SHIELD is full of HYDRA people. Could that be why?"

"Wolfram and Hart want to take over the world to rule it. They're a bit at odds. Though I wouldn't be adverse to them fighting among themselves. How does he know that?"

"He got a phone call."

"Oh. Well, he does have many poker friends and friends in lower places from Africa and LA," he said blandly. "Tell me if something changes as you run from Xander or Buffy, Higgins."

"Will do. Can I get the one wearing canaries out of her home?"

"Please do. We've all tried." He smirked.

"I'll get to work on that tonight." He went to do that with his supervisor swearing at Harris. It was a well liked train of swearing around the Council too. He stopped Harris in the hallway from the kitchen. "The one wearing canaries?"

"Oh, her. Yeah, her mom's already had a few CPS visits." He sipped his cocoa, staring at him then smiling. "She's got a guard watching the house in case. She knows that. Spike set it up." He walked around him. "Worry about Jezzie. I am." He went to lean into the office. "Spike set up a guardian on Birdie. Jezzie...I want to look into it."

Giles waved a hand without looking up. "If you feel you must. Let me know, Xander. You do have a feel for wrongness at times."

"Yeah but I'm not sure why. So I'll take her home tonight to talk about how she's going to advanced classes soon." He grinned, going to talk to her. She was a bit panicky about her mother talking to him. He had no idea why yet. He'd figure it out.

***

At a desk in DC, an agent answered his cell phone. "DiNozzo." He listened, leaning back and crossing his feet. "Why?" He nodded slowly. "Is her mother all right?" He tipped his head at the story that had come out of an earlier phone call. "Huh, that's weird. Yeah, she should probably go visit that radio equipment or the equipment museum.

"I have no idea about them and that's really weird. Oh, and that's even weirder. Yeah, that's up CC's alley anymore." He considered it. "Am I going to have to call around to help CC? I can do that. Okay, let me know. Thanks for the head's up." He hung up and stared at the phone then erased that call from his system. He stared at the staring agents.

"A friend sharing weird news from another friend, who's being bothered by SHIELD for having a job that doesn't relate to terrorism in any manner. They wanted to steal from her boss for some reason." He grimaced, looking that up on that shielded phone. "Oh, that's why. Mother fucker," he muttered in Italian.

"No wonder they want her job. Her boss has information she's working on that's important but not intelligence work." He cleared that off and put his phone down again, going to send a few emails from his off-duty account. CC and Limoncello were both troublesome but they did find the weirdest things to find. Creme de Cacao especially. Limoncello was much better these days. Then he erased them and settled in to go back to his paperwork for the current case.

McGee looked over. "They can still hack that."

"No they can't. I have a shielded email account for off-duty things, McGee. Have since I was in Philly." He glanced over. "I had to have it for a few undercovers." McGee pouted at that. "Even the NSA can't get in there."

"I hate those servers," McGee complained quietly. "Why is SHIELD after that friend?"

"Her boss is into science things. They're trying to steal it."

"Oh, that reason. I hate them," McGee complained. Ziva was making squeaky noises so Tony looked at her. She made herself stop.

"Sometimes we run into the weirdos," Gibbs agreed. "We all hate SHIELD. They're attention stealing and case ruining weird people. Her boss does what?"

"Science. Like PhD science." Gibbs winced. "Oh, and the people behind the invasion in LA are infiltrating over there with HYDRA as well." Gibbs dropped his pen to stare at him. Tony grinned at him, nodding at that. "Yup, both!"

"Your former girlfriends found out?" Gibbs asked.

"Former coworker on an undercover, Gibbs."

"Shit," he muttered. "We should tell someone."

"Probably." He nodded. "I have no idea who to tell. Our director would just try to use it to get them."

"Point. The FBI too probably. Your friend?"

"He's more likely to tell the underground. Which isn't a bad idea." He picked up his cellphone and walked off. "Hey, Manta, my man!" he said as he got on the elevator and headed outside talking pleasantries. "Okay, I'm more secure," he said once he was outside. "Just a head's up. Someone in SHIELD Europe is working with the group behind the LA demon invasion.

"I got told them and HYDRA are both having fun in the guts of SHIELD. Yup, that's what I said," he said dryly, watching around him without seeming to. "Exactly. Which is why I called you, my man friend." He grinned. "Have some fun with that. No, I heard from the girl. Yup, her. They tried her again. Have some fun?" He grinned. "Great. Let me know, my man." He hung up. "Hey, Ducky."

"Anthony. What is going on?"

He smiled. "I heard from some contacts that SHIELD's got a rat problem. A lot of rats."

"Oh, dear. That's going to cause hell."

"Telling them means they overreact. Telling anyone else gets them to make popcorn to watch them fall. So I told an old friend from my undercover days." He grinned. "HYDRA," he said quietly.

"Still?" he demanded.

"Yup, sure was!" He smirked at him. "Did you ever try that bourbon I sent you? That same friend recommended it."

"It was rather smooth and much nicer than what I expected from an American bourbon," he said patiently. He stared at him. "Is there other news?"

"Their other rats are the people behind the demonic invasion of LA."

Ducky sighed loudly. "Oh, dear Christ," he complained. "Just what DC needs."

Tony patted him on the arm. "Plenty here already have a master from that world, Ducky. We can watch as they're recalled from duty."

"Probably true." He walked off rubbing his forehead. "Mother will be most upset."

"Every time you say that I want to tell you to say hi to Emma Peel," Tony quipped then went to get coffee.

Ducky looked at him. "I would but she's retired," he called after him, cracking Tony up. Ducky walked off muttering about all that. He really wasn't that sort of Avenger but the woman Emma was based on had been a darling woman when he had known her in his youth.

***

Merlin looked at his counterpart in the US. "Does the Statesmen have a good technical department?" he asked.

"Mostly. We're missing one right now and not sure why."

"Would it be Lewis?" he asked. "The mother, not the daughter that's here in London?"

He stared for a minute to see the intention of that suggestion. This was weird for Merlin. The whole call was weird for Merlin. "Yes, actually, why?" Merlin sent over what they had gotten off SHIELD Europe. "Oh, that's bad. Who did she alert?"

"Someone in your people who noted an SCU? Though I want to hear the Law and Order theme each time I say that."

The head of technologies in the Statesmen organization winced. "Special Crimes unit. We ran into the demonic world long ago and always had a special person to handle it or a few special people actually." He rubbed his forehead. "Our tech people are all coded as liqueurs instead of liquors." Merlin nodded he realized that. "Did they send you a message?"

"One from her Mum." He uploaded that so he could see it. "She had Darcy deliver it. Is Lewis an agent? Or should I use Countess Lewis-Stonager?"

The guy on that side stared at him then shook his head. "One of her grandmothers died?"

"Supposedly. Which meant she met with a lawyer or three earlier who were part of Wolfram and Hart as well as they've infiltrated SHIELD."

The guy blinked a few times. "Charming!" He sighed. "Darcy is SCU. Limoncello. She's a hacker, she's got skills." He opened her real file for Merlin to see. Merlin grimaced as he read it but nodded. "They're not *agents* but they're *handlers*. Or solvers maybe. Darcy and CC especially. They work together well under Campari. Who is semi-out of the loop as he's in another agency. Not SHIELD thankfully and I'm pretty sure someone called at least one of them."

"Okay," he said. "What if they come here?"

"HYDRA and demons, Merlin. I'd blow them up myself," he said dryly.

"Not an issue there with that. What about the girl?"

"Make sure she's safe. She's...probably important. If only because she can help her boss if she screws up and opens another portal problem. Also, she's able to learn quickly. I'd be shocked if she didn't understand some stuff that they don't realize."

"All right. Do we need to make Foster safe? Or Selvig?"

"I'd like to see Selvig wear pants," Eggsy said as he leaned in. "He's been a bit twitched thanks to that Loki thing in New York. He's still running around in boxers." He looked at the screen then at Merlin. "SHIELD went after Foster again to try to confiscate things. The ladies packed up and left for what Darcy called home and a lot of radio stuff?"

"Her grandmother, paternal grandmother, was part of a group that nearly brought down a lot of radio signals to stop a threat but they stopped an extreme threat from someone else by doing it. They were borderline terrorists but called themselves extreme humanists. The other grandmother did something similar from another group."

"So Lewis joking about becoming a femme fatale?" he asked with a smirk.

"Oh, she is," the guy on the screen said. "It's one way she can handle things. She's a great investigator as well." He looked at Merlin. "Let me know if you find her mother."

"She's in Greece," Eggsy said. "A demon walked up to me and asked me to please tell Lady, capitalized, that her Mum was in Greece."

"Got it," that guy said with a grin. "And yes, Darcy's inherited a countess-ship apparently. Her grandmothers both were and old bats of the old lines." He looked at Merlin. "Watch their backs, let Lewis lead the play. If she needs help, she'll call her former SCU teammates. Campari will make you choke, Merlin." He grinned. "And those around him too." He hung up.

Merlin looked at him. "Good timing?"

"Nope. Waiting. I did alert Darcy through her text messages. She sent back a thank you and she was sure her mom was having some fun. Which probably means a battle?"

"Could be. Her mother's the head hacker in Statesmen." Eggsy winced at that. "Lewis is weird."

"Yes but she's sweet. She bakes."

"Not all bad guys are evil," Merlin shot back. "You should know that by now."

"Yeah but she'll only be evil to help humanity." He smirked. "Profilers sent it around earlier to the team on guarding."

Merlin got into that to read it over then snorted. "They have not a fuckin' clue about that girl. She's trained."

"He said she's a problem solver, not an agent." Eggsy stared at him. "So did she know the guy also petting the dragon?" Merlin stared at him. Eggsy nodded with a grin. "Rumors said she did. The one that told me noted that she was petting the dragon with the guy who took down that slave trader last year in Canberra, which was Harris. They had a mini slayer."

Merlin looked that up and swore. "Fuck me sideways."

Eggsy smirked at him. "I mean, if you're offerin', mate." Merlin glared at him. He grinned at him. "It's been a while since I could date. The world keeps tryin' ta end. The girlfriend is really peeved."

"Don't remind me. Go rest. Is she heading somewhere?"

"Not sure. I wasn't on duty once I got that. I told Bors."

"I'll get with him. Go home. Rest. It might be a huge problem."

"Okay." He went to his suite to do that with his pug.

Merlin called Bors, who had to admit he had lost the ladies and male scientist. He had no idea how. It could've been magical. So now Merlin had a great headache. He could look up where the ladies would hide. Darcy only had so many options in the local area.

***

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