Two Assholes Walk Into A Bar.
Xander looked at the newly recruited Watcher trainee and realized what was wrong immediately. Because he knew that guy. The guy knew him, kind of, but clearly had the wrong idea. He walked past him, hauling him by his jacket collar to a locking room to stare at him. "So," he said with a smirk. "You're here under a pretense and I'm going to guess why based on what you usually handle." He stared at him. "The girls aren't possessed."
"They are," he said in a British voice.
"They're not. They're imbued. From before birth."
John Constantine looked at him. "That's still a possession."
"Not at all. It's a memory download."
"Oh." He blinked a few times. "See, I knew you hunted demons, and found out about the lower level ones, which freaked some people out."
Xander nodded, smirking at him. "Yay for them. Where were they during the LA invasion? I know I wasn't recalled but no one else seemed to jump in except some of the peaceful community's warriors." He stared at him. "And where were you?"
"Where were you?"
"I didn't get told until the day before. Willow decided I was having fun and healing down there so had Buffy leave me." He shrugged, staring at him. "Instead I took down some problems by myself to spare the little ones I guard."
"I...." He cleared his throat. "It got reported that they're possessed."
"They're not."
"And that they're in danger."
"Then I'd kill someone and use their blood as a sacrificial rite. And you knew that about me and enough about me to come ask me for information if you were curious or being led toward the girls." He stared at him. "Which means I'm pissed the fuck off at whoever so let me know who I get to go beat the living shit out of."
"You could calm down."
"I could kill you and them," Xander offered instead then smiled. "Because if you hurt the girls, you won't last very long." He smirked. "I'm not nice."
"You're a bit of an asshole."
"Thank you greatly. I appreciate that compliment."
John blinked and took a step back. "They're kids."
"We can't take the memory download from them. At all. We can't uncall them, we can't get them out of the way of the PTB that chose them. We can, and I do, guard the little ones to make sure no one's making a six-year-old girl fight in a battle. Unlike some of the old line."
He winced but nodded once. "PTB?"
"Powers That Be. Higher chess playing jackasses who make up battles to win bets." He stared at him. "Which is why I also have visions so I can get around their plans so we don't lose the girls to their plans. Because they're tactically sucktastic."
John nodded, looking down then at him. "How did this even start?"
"Back when people were grunting and pointing at things."
"Oh. So...it's been years."
"It's been millennia." John winced. "But there's a copy of the spell in the library and if you had asked we would've shown you it. All the girls learn how to meditate to talk to the imprint Sineya, that first girl, leaves with them and all the other imprints they got from the girls who came before them."
"They can?"
"Yeah," Xander said dryly. "I taught that more than once." He stared at him. "Who sent you?"
"Ambria."
"I'm going to blow his ass up."
John snorted, looking amused. "You can't do that."
"I can do that. You can call mutual contacts to check but yeah, I can blow up him, his house, his concubines he's got under control, all them." He waved a hand. "Wouldn't be the first time. Not even the first time this year since I had to blow up two newly immigrating temples to make sure they didn't try to eat the people."
John winced. "That's gross."
"Yeah, well....someone's got to do it. At least this time I didn't have something that was barely subnuclear because that's all a contact could get me."
"The fuck?" he demanded loudly.
Xander smirked at him. "Welcome to this sort of demon hunting. We have apocalypse battles every few months in this part of the spectrum. We'll let you jump in if you're nearby of course." He smirked. "Because there's never enough people or weapons and the magic users are all witches." He tipped his head to the side. "But you really should've asked someone before you showed up, John. Even me, if you had asked me I would've told you what was going on."
"How many mutual contacts do we have?"
"Many since you're in the poker circuit, asshole. Including a certain bar owner who owes me a favor." He smirked.
"How did you do that?" he asked, looking pissed off.
"Well, I won the bet." He smirked again. "Call and ask him. I'm sure he'd like to swear about me again." He pulled out his own phone to call him, putting him on speaker. "Someone sent Constantine to check on the girls, telling him it was a mass possession."
The male voice on the phone groaned. "Who in the hell was that stupid and wanting humanity to die?" he asked dryly.
"Ambria," John said, staring at Xander for that voice's owner knowing him.
"I'm going to be local to there later to blow his ass up. Fair warning if the ass society shows up."
"Thank you for the warning," he said sarcastically. "I'm sure we'll all be amused at them trying to hunt you down to own you again."
"Yeah, they can't own me at all and they know it. I've already proved that to them in a few manners. This time, maybe after I'm done having some fun.... well, I'll have more fun if they show up." He smirked at John again, making him shudder and put his hands in his pockets. "By the way, have you looked at the site I use for visions recently? Because one's about to try to crawl up your tail later this week. Which is why I'm back in Cleveland."
"I hadn't," Lucifer admitted. A few clicking sounds. "Oh, that thing. Do have fun with that, Xander."
"You too. I'm sure you'll have the bar locked down again so I have a wall."
"Oh, definitely. Starting tonight so none of those who want you can show up."
"Ya know, if you tell Ample, whatever his actual name is, and I do know it, about how you met me, he might leave you alone for good, dude."
Lucifer laughed. "I'd never admit to that, Xander. And I still don't think you can do it."
"Oh, I'm bringing out the proof later tonight. I'll drop it off with you. Thanks, dude. Have some fun. I will be." He hung up and looked at John. "Would you like to see that account?"
"Please. Are you sure it can't be undone to spare them? Or to move it back to when they're older?"
"We'd love to, dude. But we can't. We've tried everything. Including magic."
"How did you meet Lucifer?"
"I needed a contact from him shoved my way. He was amused so I bet him I could make him laugh so hard he snorted and choked. And I did." He smirked. "It took him about ten minutes for him to get there but he's got a really high pitched giggle."
"I did not need to know that," John told him, then grinned. "Can I see that?"
"Sure." He took him to the library to show him that. "And leave the stake alone. It was a present of respect from one of the last individually called slayers. She's how we found out how bad the old Council was."
John looked at it. "I can tell." He looked at him. "So you fixed it?"
"Well, they got blown up so we rebuilt it properly, to support the girls and all they have to do. To give them choices in life, all that." He looked over at Buffy when she strolled in. "Buffy, this is John Constantine, he's a demon fighter and an exorcist. He's a higher level magic user as well."
"Oh. So why is he here?"
"Someone told him you were all possessed."
She snorted. "No, I don't think so. I mean, Sineya fusses at movie nights sometimes, but otherwise, no."
"Can we get her free?" John asked.
"No. Not with what they did." She shrugged, handing him the right book. "That's the technical account, not the passed down story."
He took them both to read, frowning at it. He looked at Xander, who stared back. " Fuck." He went back to the technical account then the former spoken one that got passed down. "Okay," he said, handing them back to Xander, who put them back. He looked at Buffy. "We can maybe craft a way to move the calling back until they're adults."
"Then they don't have the memories they need if something goes hunting for the minis. It won't stop them feeling like slayers." John winced. She looked around. "Where is the one that's usually in here?"
Xander walked over to pick her up and hold her up. "This one or her twin?"
"She can do it. The imprint's stronger in her sister so she'd probably get a headache and we'd get fussed at."
John put the kid on the table, letting her sit. "I'm gonna do some lights around you, kiddo." She shrugged, just staring at him. He did that to test what it was and winced at what he saw. "What's that magic?"
Xander looked then up the hallway. "Willow, we caught your ass again! I'd remove it from the minis, damnit, before I hunt you down and burn your ass at the stake!"
"Oops," a female voice called, but it wasn't Willow's. It was her girlfriend's voice. "I interrupted her when she was meditating."
"Bullshit since it's a spell to tamp her down," John yelled.
Kennedy walked in. "What? And who're you?"
"Remember the poker circuit talking about that exorcist?" Xander asked. She grimaced but nodded. "He got pointed at you girls for being possessed."
"Aw, fuck! Who?" she demanded.
Xander grinned. "Don't you worry about that, Kennedy. Though London may have a bit of a shakeup as he's a higher up well beyond their circuit."
She nodded. "You have fun with that, Xander. Just so the girls quit thinking you're neat again."
"Watch me punch you," he offered happily. "There's four bitches in this room but only one's acting like it." She rolled her eyes as she walked off. "And tell Willow I'll hunt her down later."
"I'll have her remove it and the spells making us all swear," Kennedy complained. "You do whatever it is you do."
"Training the little slayers? Yeah, I have been all day. You could've stepped in for homework time." Buffy sighed at that, glaring at him. He stared at her. "So could you!"
"I suck at that, Xander, and quit fighting with Kennedy. Even though she starts it. She's either insecure or spelled by Willow again."
He shrugged. "Hasn't changed since we met her, Buffster."
"Point." She sighed, looking at him. "So?"
"No, I can't push it back. Though she's got a lot of magic."
"Yeah, her mom's a witch," Buffy said with a nod. "Some of it's protections."
John exposed something with a point. "That's a sacrificial mark."
"The PTB thought she'd never make it to adulthood," Buffy said with a nod. "I've about killed their messenger for that stupid idea."
Xander grinned at her. "Of course she and her twin will make it to adulthood, Buffster. I can make sure of it. Sineya may bitch though."
"Don't upset her, Xander. I get horrible nightmares when she's upset!"
He shrugged and looked at something around his neck, taking it off to put around her throat, making her giggle since it tickled her. "There, you wear my protection for me. Okay?" She nodded, patting it. "It'll go through you to your twin. Or if you want to switch off you can." She nodded. "And it'll protect you from Willow."
She grinned. "Thank you, Xander!" She gave him a hug then climbed off the table with John's help to run back to her twin to let her see the new shiny thing.
Buffy looked at him. "What's going to protect you from Willow?"
"A rifle. I have a few of them." He stared at her. She winced. "Go check the others?"
"Yeah, going to check the other girls just in case. Have fun with your poker buddy there." She walked off shaking her head.
Faith leaned in and waved. "Hey, Johnny." She walked off. "I already got the minis mostly free. Only the twins and the other twins and the triplets are still hit. It's split from them being multiples."
"I can fix that," Xander called after her. "It'll be a delightful bonfire."
"Let me go talk to Red," she decided with a nod, heading that way. "You can go home again."
"Sure, you can handle that by yourself without me, Faith."
"Never mind! Thanks!"
He looked at John, smirking again. "Sometimes you gotta get a bit loud. Giles hates it though."
John nodded at that. "I can see why. What's with that witch?"
"Magic addiction."
"How in the hell does that happen?"
"Well, wasn't hell. It's really psychological in her case."
John sighed but nodded, slumping as his hands went back into his pockets while he stared at him. "Can I help?"
"Go talk to the coven. See you in four days in LA?" He walked off looking amused.
"Sure, I can help. I hope." He disappeared, going to talk to people about all that. He saw the smug one who had sent him. "Xander and I talked." The guy flinched, shaking his head quickly. "He knows you sent me." He smirked. "Have fun with that!"
"Hell no!"
"Well, maybe hell will hide you well enough." He shuddered, going to hide while he could. It wouldn't work. His whole cult got destroyed that night. All the humans were released. All the kids were kidnaped first into the care of a group of nuns. Ambria's stuff was all stolen before his house was set on fire by the explosion.
Which made his enemies happier because it meant Xander didn't come to them for stuff for a few weeks. Even though he would summon them to something if he needed their help with a huge problem. They hated that they owed him favors.
***
Xander walked into the bar, nodding at a few people. He smiled as he put the book down on the bar with a smirk. "They finally got the problem manual done and updated it just this last year." He slid it over. "You can look all you want, it may give you some ideas of stuff coming up.
"It did list the invasion we had, in most of the worlds. And in none of them did they call me back for it." He looked at the one touching his back, staring at them until they backed up. He grinned. "Wanna have fun later? I'll need to destress later on."
"No thanks. You're...bouncy in bed, Xander. And you wear people out."
Xander grinned. "Of course I am! I have to have stamina and energy to keep up with the minis and battles. Anya did me a *huge* favor helping me build it." He smirked at him, making the guy shudder as he walked off. He did buy a few new drinks for himself too.
"Anya?" Lucifer asked.
"My former finance, formerly Anyanka before her power center got broken by Buffy stepping on it and her being fired for it." Lucifer stared at him. He grinned at him. "I got shown how miserable she'd be if we did marry so I walked away from our wedding. She got her job back, realized I had awakened empathy again, and got fired again. She died in Sunnydale against the First."
Lucifer sipped his drink with a sigh. "That's seriously dangerous of you, boy."
"Only the deadly and dangerous but not truly psychotic like me," he quipped with a grin. "Right, Bob?"
'Bob' shuddered but nodded. "Thankfully two of the ones you were teasing were minions so I could save them until next week when you said you'd need them."
Xander grinned at him then he pulled out his phone to get into a file to show him. "Then please? I'm going to be too exhausted to do more than evil."
He looked and nodded, handing it to Lucifer. "Gladly. There's no telling what you'd do."
"If I'm with head injury as that vision projected, I'd worry more about shaman skills coming out, Bob. I really would." He grinned sweetly at him. "Though it was nice of Ambria to send Constantine to check on the girls so he met some of them."
Lucifer shook his head while reading. "It was very nice of him to destroy himself that way. It kept me out of it." He handed the phone back. "Is that the one you called about?"
"Nope, that's afterwards. The next day. Though I've been trying to make them push it back some to give us all a rest. No, the one I called about is in two days and it's another semi-invasion tactic. But huge, giant teddybear looking things."
"Charming." He finished his drink and got into the book, finding the one that had made him laugh. "Oh hell no." He stared. Xander grinned back and nodded. "Have you talked to him?"
"Yeah. He said that's a closed off wishverse moment. But he's still got some of the imbued powers." He beamed at him. "And with his Slightly Evil Sammy having *his* spot...."
The other higher beings in the bar were watching all this for some amusement, and he was sure his expression gave them a lot of fun watching. "Fuck," Lucifer said, going back to the book with a sigh. He flipped to one and stared. "Middle ages curses," he muttered. "Huh?"
"He's so great. He's a lot of fun. They have grenades again." He grinned. "They had a different Willow show up to create clones of him to solve the nature versus nurture debate. She was going to clone him and send all six of the clones to an elf world to see how they turned out. They stopped her pretty fast when they heard."
"I would as well. One of you is more than enough."
"Then you didn't see it when Toth turned me into twins?" he guessed.
Lucifer stared at him. "I'm not amused."
"We were. A lot." He shrugged. "In some we didn't get put back together again but they did negate the kill the weaker one to get both clause." He looked then pointed. "There's an index in the front. And I do not want to hear a thing about the ones of me in Marvel lands."
He looked with a sigh, finding one. "Forger. Interesting skills. Very nice skills actually." He got pointed at again and looked there, finding the other one. "Lokison?" he said, then stared at him. "Oh no!" he said, shaking his head with a smug look. Xander grinned and nodded. "There's no way."
"Protector of Humanity," he said in Latin with a smirk. "And his mate, who got forced onto him but they do work well. They have *great* elemental form sex apparently."
Lucifer looked and shuddered. "Oh, heaven forgive all their sins," he muttered. "Because I'm sure that's a hell world."
"No, they stop that pretty often. He is a backup to the avengers team." He grinned at one staring demon, who shrank down behind the others around him. "Yeah, we're talking about that Xander. He'd say hi I'm sure if you're from there."
"I got sent over here. Thankfully."
Xander looked then pointed at one index entry. "We're looking to see if she's going to do that one. I did hand that book to Kennedy, open to that particular page, and she shuddered at the idea that Willow might want kids. But look at that spell. Which is what I stopped Petrins from starting in Kenya. Twice now."
Lucifer turned to that page, staring at the pictures. Then he moved on after reading the explanation. "I'd help stop her."
"Please do." He grinned and nodded. "Pretty please?" He grinned at a female in there, who whined. "Willow in that world wanted kids. She called from a movie and deaged them."
"That poor world."
"And then a few years later, what Petrins was trying to do happened on the east coast and then in Hawaii."
She gulped her drink, buying a large second one. "We can help stop that, Xander. Really, we can!" She walked off humming to not get involved.
"Can you stop the Aritiddies prophecy while you're at it?" he called. "Another of me would really like that one stopped so if you can figure out how I'm sure he'd enjoy it before he has to do someone's paperwork for him." He looked at Lucifer, who was wincing. He grinned and nodded. "Yup! He's going to volunteer to go sooner so that you can block it but yeah. The girls in eleventh grade set that one off."
"That poor hell," he muttered, reading over that spell. "Isn't that what Christop was doing?"
"Yup!" He beamed and nodded. "And his son is doing now! Though he didn't want the magical parts. He's trying to do it by tech so merging of the worlds completely." He shrugged. Then he looked and flipped to another one with a wink. The God of Below looked and shuddered then stared at him. Xander closed the book with a grin and a wink. "People took some prophecies way too literally. That's how he got his Slightly Evil Sam." He strolled off. "See you in a few days."
"I'll have cured the hangover by then," he complained. He sighed, looking at the others. "They hold a *convention* of them from across the realms." They all moaned and nodded. "That was their book about what they've handled. One was a Sividia, turned that way by Rosenburg."
"That poor world," one of the demons in there muttered, then gulped some beer. "Can we send Constantine there?"
"He's staying out of the high and low battles but keeping Sunnydale as a protected area for the lower classes of demons," Lucifer told him. "Though there was that one closed off wishverse realm where they got voted into powerful positions." He stared at that one. "They ...you've seen that amusing tv show with the hunters?" A few nodded. "That's his Sam." They all winced. "And with that battle going on...guess who got promoted to the higher spot?"
"Sam?" one asked hopefully. "Or his brother in the show, Dean?"
"No. Sam took over my spot because the prophecy said he'd claim ground for hell. He mated to that Xander and they're both protecting Sunnydale."
"Which meant he claimed area," one of the older demons in the bar agreed. "Oh, that poor world. And wherever Harris is a higher up."
"On the other side. They needed someone outside but honest and a guardian." That demon spluttered and choked. "But it's a closed off realm."
"We should all say prayers for that, even if it'd burn us," a lower level demon muttered, already drunk.
"At least we're not in a redemption kid realm," a voice said as he appeared and waved. "Sorry, showed up by accident. I've got to give this version of me something. Isn't he still here?" Lucifer had him summoned back. "Thanks, dude. My version of you is a lot more grungy and really hates that I'm in a 'ship with my guys and had kids." He looked at his other self as he came in. "You needed something?" He held it up.
"Oh, you adorable asshole!" He hugged him. "Thanks, man." He kissed him then winked. "I've got just the place to use this later. And then later this week." He grinned. "Was it hard to get?"
"The kids got it. They were challenging someone to do better than them and that kid almost cried he was so bad. So I've got a new student." He shrugged. "Melissa wanted it off our realm." He grinned. "Have some fun with that."
"I sure will and afterwards I'll hand it to Daddy Xander in Hawaii. He could probably hide it and the kids won't want to use it."
"No, his baby commandos won't. That's a good hiding spot and I can get there to get it back if I have to." He winked and they shared a smirk before that one left. Then he came back and looked at Lucifer. "At least you're not like mine, though mine had to change hands a few times. He got real mad at the one who had me." He shifted his shirt some to make a few of the demons yell in pain then left with a smug look.
"I love Lavelle." Xander walked out petting his new artifact friend. "Thanks, dudes. See you in a few days."
Lucifer sighed, looking at them. "What was it?"
"Scarred on runes that kill," one said, covering his bleeding eyes. "Oh, damn. And he radiates like a Prince."
"Charming. We really should fix a few of those worlds. Maybe I can send Constantine to do that. It might help him a lot. Give him something to do beyond make bets. He might even find redemption."
That demon stared at him. "He had more than one. I started to bleed when he shifted his shirt and it showed another one that would create power points like hellmouths, Lucifer. He's got a ton of scars but I only saw edges of them."
Lucifer considered it then sighed. "So someone like Amatha got him?"
"Probably. Which means he was going to be used as a weapon against us all to let whoever move up... Which means he might know the Name."
"That's charming of him. I can see what that one's version of me is grungy as he put it. He's probably living with a constant state of hangover." He got his own new drink and went to lie down for a bit. He was so sorry he had laughed at that idea of that one Xander. Now he knew better.
"Age and education brings wisdom," he reminded himself. "And empathy for the ones on that screwed up world." He saluted them. "May they have peace eventually." He gulped the drink and laid on his couch to rest his poor aching head.
***
Xander ducked under the blast of magic that came from behind him, shaking his head with a sigh as he hit one of the demons on the knee to bring it down. "You could actually try to help instead of trying to kill my cute ass," he called.
"I was trying to help!"
"Then aim for the demons, dude! They're the problems here."
"I was! You were in the way."
"Well, fuck you too," Xander called back, taking out the next few minions of the extra large teddybear demons. "Where is Rosenburg?" he called finally. "Isn't she supposed to be handling the bigger ones?"
"She's working on it," Faith called back. "Gotta have some patience, X."
"I lost that years ago!" He ducked and yelped as something pulled but made himself get up and limp after the minion he was fighting. He glanced over at the witches, who weren't working on anything, they were talking. He sighed.
Then he decided to go 'fuck it' and pull something from his stored weapons for his minis in Africa. He ducked down with a wince. "Cover me," he called. A few girls moved in to take over for him so he could pull out the small keychain and open the weapons door. He pulled out two cases and dropped them, then hesitated on a third.
He decided to leave that in there and closed it back up, pocketing the keys. He opened one of the cases, standing up with a moan. "Eat this!" he called, making them look at him. The girls saw and ducked to the ground. Xander fired off the missile delivery device.
"Xander!" Buffy called. "How did you get that and why don't we have any?"
"Because unlike the US, I handle everything with a few limited military units for a whole continent, Buffy. We need it more!" He watched as those ones stumbled and tried to get back up. He bent over to grab the other case, opening it and pulling it up to put on his shoulder. "Really? Keep going! We can go like we were in Abada again, beings. I really can."
"Xander, calm down," Willow called.
"Aren't you supposed to be doing something, witch?"
"Dirt!"
Buffy glared at her then at Xander. "Xander?"
"Shut up, you're throwing off my aim." They tried to gather to come after him. "Girls, move for me please. This one's a bit more powerful." They ran for their lives. He breathed out, waiting an extra second for more to get into range. Then he fired when they almost reached him. "Boom," he said then grinned and waved as he dropped the weapons case.
"Now, ladies!" They dove back in, getting the injured ones down and out for good. The remaining few minions and one higher teddy bear tried to flee. "Now would be a great time for that spell to work," he called with a point. "At them please!"
Willow huffed but did cast at those running ones to take them down. Xander stepped back after his last one fell, helping a girl that was stumbling before she fell. "Go get a drink," he said quietly, staring at her. She nodded, going to do that with the medics that were showing up.
A military guy stomped over, avoiding even looking at the slayers before they got them for it. "Where did that come from?" he demanded.
Xander looked at him. "An armed group of morons in Africa. I didn't think they needed it after they all died when I blackmailed them into a battle to prove their worthiness to rule the people," he said dryly. "We needed it more."
"We?"
"I'm the watcher in Africa." He stared at him. "So it's me, one slayer, a few limited military units from ten countries out of over fifty countries, and all those beautiful problems we have." He waved a hand around then smirked at him. "Do you think I can do it all with my battle axe?"
"No," he said, stepping back. "We don't usually see you here?"
"They never call me back."
"Because you do things like that," Buffy said. "If the visions hadn't said you'd be here I wouldn't have this time. Where's ours, Xander?"
He stared at her. "I used it," he said patiently, staring at her. "When you ladies decided not to show up to help me protect a whole continent from an invasion of mythical level spiders." She shuddered at that. "So yeah, go find the arms dealers I flirt with if you want more, Buffy."
He stared at the military officer again, shrugging some. "I'd really love more help in Africa. All of us on the other continents outside of Europe and Asia all say the same things," he said dryly, then walked off. "Gotta go get a candy bar. We're due to have someone showing up because we're tired."
"You could've waited to use that," Buffy complained, staring at him. "We could use it when we're tired, Xander."
He stared at her. "If I hadn't, we'd still be fighting that one for another two hours and then they'd show up. Which do you like more?"
"This," she sighed. "We sent you a few girls. They got upset that they had to camp."
He gave her a pointed look. "No, Africa's battles are usually near smaller towns instead of in major cities. And you sent me Kennedy's spoiled bitch patrol." She grimaced but nodded that was true. Kennedy huffed at that. He looked at her. "Really, they screamed at mud. On a battlefield." She winced at that. He looked at Buffy again.
"Has anyone seen if that following one or the one after them that the witches will need to handle are going to show up sooner or wait until we originally saw?" he called to the coven members. Who all shook their heads. "Great. So maybe a break. Everyone eat and drink for now until they show up," he called. "We all need it." They dug in and those that needed treated got it.
The military officer came over. "Is that why we were warned?"
Buffy grinned and nodded. "Yup! That's why we called you guys and Xander!" She beamed at him. "Because the second's pretty bad and we'll all be injured, including Xander, and then the third will show up to take advantage of what her ex had started to prove herself better." She shrugged but grinned. "You guys said you wanted to help! Be helpy!" She walked off to get her own donut and gatorade.
Xander looked at him. "They only call me back for the major things that take weapons." He shrugged but grinned. "Welcome to the club! It's because we're men." He walked around him to go look at one girl sitting on the ground. He hauled her up, staring at her. "You in shock, or are you stunned or injured?"
"I..." She heaved.
"That's battle shock, Stella. Let's get you nearer to the watchers who aren't doing much." He walked her that way, chatting with her to keep her presently focused. "Giles!" He looked then came over. "She's in battle shock."
"All right. We'll help her calm down and come back," he said, staring at her. "Stella?" She blinked at him. "Yes, you are, aren't you? Come along and sit, Stella." She nodded, letting him lead her off to help her come out of it.
Xander looked at the street then sighed. "Hey, can anyone burn the parts now so we're not fighting on top of it?" he called. A few of the witches moaned at that idea but did that. "Not the locals," he said, going over to help move two bodies. "They're locals and their people will want them back."
A healer came jogging over. "We have the others already, Xander." He bowed to her, nodding a bit. "We were coming to gather them in a moment." She got them and another she had spotted moved. Then the witches burned the streets clean. She came back to look at him. "We can treat you as well," she said quietly.
"I'm kinda counting on that since I'm supposed to get another head injury," he said with a grin. "Thank you."
She nodded, patting him on the arm. "We can handle that as well."
"In two days, I'm still going to be concussed and then we're having one that'll come from a higher, more local source. I'm kinda worried my shaman training will show up with the hellmouth taint I leak constantly."
She considered it. "Oh, that could be nasty."
He nodded. "That's what I'm worried about." He shrugged. The idiot boyfriend showed up to make his move so he sighed. "Get to safety." She ran off. The boyfriend tried to shoot a spell at her but Xander stepped in the way, blocking it. "Don't go after healers. You know better. We *all* know better than that."
"Why did you not burn up!" he demanded. "You're a human!"
Xander laughed. "Are you sure of that?" The guy glared and tried to attack him. Xander got his axe off his back to defend himself, with Faith since she came over to help. "This is the second one," he told her.
"No wonder she dumped him. He's weak." He shouted and lunged at her. She defended herself. Xander got his thigh with his axe, making him shout as he fell down. "Ow, that had to hurt by that scream," Faith taunted, then beheaded him. "Easier than we thought or just a minion?" she guessed, looking at Xander.
"No, he wasn't supposed to be huge. The visions you guys had showed him taking on four of you and losing one of them. So yeah, his ex is going to prove she's better." He looked at her. She came into view. "Ya know, with him dead you could just go claim all his stuff. We'd all appreciate that today."
She snorted. "I want no war with you, Knight." He smirked. "Though there is the matter that you took out my mother. And brother."
"Well then they shouldn't have tried to invade Africa. Though you're going to have to be a bit more specific. I've seen three different mom and son combos in the last few years." He leaned on his axe. "Which one were they?"
"They looked like me."
"Yeah, that's not real certain. All three looked kinda like you and weren't related that I know of."
"Oh. Um... Abinda?"
"Oh, her! Not in Africa then. I showed up to help Cho Ahn." He stared at her. "She shouldn't have been trying to invade Tibet in that case. The monks can be mean."
She pouted. "That's not fair. You're humans."
He shrugged. "Sucks but we're not toys anymore. Haven't been for millennia and we're not going back to it either."
"I could have someone do that."
"And I have three wishes I can use to undo it immediately." He smirked. "You go ahead and shoot your shot."
"That's no fair! You shouldn't have protected those temples over the humans!"
"The temples were important, the humans were terrorists, and the temples weren't even occupied!" He stared at her. "And they all had important artifacts that would've gotten into the open. Do I seriously want the Cask of Antario out in the open? No! Which is why I rescued it." Giles spluttered and choked. He looked at him. "What? Did you want me to leave it there or in the hands of some humans?" He looked at her again. "See what I put up with?"
"Yes, unfortunately. Are you sure that vision was me and not my sister he cheated on me with?"
"Yeah. I saw your sparkly navel ring." He waved a hand at it. "Her's is pink and gummy not sparkly. She was drunk in a bar a few weeks back showing it off." He sighed. "She really could use some exercise."
She nodded. "I've told her that. Belly shirts don't look good on her." She stared at him. "I could be nice to you."
"I can just snipe you right now," he offered. He grinned. "The only one I pray to is myself because I'm all but mythical."
"That sucks. I could use a good lover."
Xander smirked at her. "You'd never make it out of bed, princess. I know Anya told *everyone*." She nodded with a scary, happy grin. "Yeah, you'd be just as tired." He shrugged. "I've got needs not being met. All that lovely frustration is let out on battles." She whined and shivered but nodded.
"Quit flirting!" Buffy complained.
He sighed. "You could hit on Buffy if you want."
"I don't like girls or I might. She and Slayer Faith are both very strong warriors I'd appreciate being mine." She smiled at Faith, who shook her head. "I know and I don't appreciate females in my bed." She looked at Xander. "I could use a future spouse."
"Yeah," he said with a nod. "You could. You know, Alexsani is single. He's in my poker circuit and he complained his last girlfriend fled before she could take vows to properly worship him because she thought it was weird he wanted it that way in bed."
"Oooh, he is supposed to be very good at it as well." She considered it then nodded. "I will go see him once I've conquered the slayers."
Xander laughed. "If you're sure you can."
"I'm sure I can. The visions said you'll have a head injury." She smiled.
"Yeah, which means I can't contain the hellmouth taint." He smirked. She backed down, looking less amused. "But if you're gonna shoot your shot, do it, princess." He waved his free hand. "We're all here waiting on you to make a move."
"I...." She looked around then at him. "I see you've finally hired a decent magic user, even if he is dark."
"No, he got pointed at the girls for being possessed," Xander said dryly. "We had a chat of the mother fucker variety."
"Oh. Pity. He could help you a lot since my sister is coming to help me." She smirked. "How do you deal with magic?"
"Well, me personally, I don't. I don't do magic." He grinned. "We all know that. So I just kill them." She pouted. He stared at her. "And if she thinks she can mind screw me like she tried to do while drunk, ask her how she liked the hyena." He winked his good eye. She heaved but nodded, backing away. "Now, isn't she here yet? Or we saw your last lover helping. So I'm guessing you took the limp one back."
"I am not limp!" he shouted as he jumped down from a building. Right into the trap the witches had created based on his trajectory. He screamed as the thing bit him.
John Constantine sent a portal at his head to make him quit screaming by beheading him. "Sweet, so lesser I guess."
"I do warp prophecies," Xander agreed dryly, staring at her. "Got any other backup?"
"I..." She pouted. "I could gain much status if I just knock you down."
"You're welcome to try. I mean, they all said I'd have a head injury for the one in a few days. If that's not your fault then I guess I'm having a sudden car crash or something later."
"I can do that for you if the PTB need it," Buffy offered with a grin.
"You've given me two others. Wait until it's your turn again," he shot back.
"Children!" Giles complained.
"Not my fault." Xander looked at her again. "Well? Thanks for the rest break though." He grinned.
She pouted, looking beside her at her sister. "Hyena?" She shuddered, shaking her head and backing down.
"While I don't usually accept prayers because I can't grant them I am nearly mythical. They made whole new myths about us down there. So I'd accept them as you flee," Xander offered, staring at the younger sister. "I really would." She prayed to his name as she fled into the city. The military guys missed capturing her so she did get away back to their own realm. He looked at the older sister. John was calling up magic behind him and Faith. Faith was sighing but shifting as she lifted her sword.
"Maybe I'll take up those prayers too. My sister would be horrible in charge of my temple. She'd redecorate in fluffy pink things." She fled too.
Xander waved at her back then grinned at Faith, who smirked back. "Did we have another one?" Faith asked.
"I hope not. I hate concussions." They walked off together with a sigh of relief.
Giles stared at him. "It won't make you mythical even if they do pray to you, Xander."
"Then you haven't seen the new myths like they were Greeks again?" he shot back with a smirk. "Wow. Thanks for not sharing, Steph."
"Welcome. I didn't want to hear the fits, Xander." She looked over from making Stella sit up and drink something. "I checked in, the guys for that one base near the hellmouth are on alert because it's acting twitchy." She looked at Willow then at him again. "But they said nothing's going on."
"That's cool. We like those days." He got a cloth off the table to clean off his axe, handing one to Faith for her sword. Some squealing, short thing ran over to pounce Xander, her squeal following her. Which meant he landed on the ground and banged his head.
"Ow. Hi, Hildegard. So this is why I had the concussion. Cool with me. You're a better reason." He hugged her. "Can I sit up at least?" She giggled but let him get up and hugged him again. He pulled her up to hug her. "Hildegard, this is Slayer Faith," he said with a point. "She's usually pretty cool and not like Buffy."
"We've heard," she said in two languages at once, the english echoing after her native tongue. "She is quite mighty and deserves much mythical status as well." She smiled and waved.
Faith grinned and waved back. "Hey, Hildegard. Nice to meet you."
She grinned. "You're a nice human." She looked at Xander. "Your ex showed up."
"Which one? There's been a few." He blinked at her.
"Haden."
"Oh, him. Well.... If he's not causing a problem I might see him next week."
"Mother made him a toad because he interrupted my baby brother's nap."
"Yeah, your baby brother needs to nap a lot more often. His colic is becoming epic." She giggled but nodded, staring at the one coming over. "The one in front is Forrester, he's an old line research watcher. The one behind him is Giles, the head watcher guy that's Buffy's watcher. And the one behind them is Willow with Ambri and Amanda following her to hold her leash."
Hildegard nodded at the strangers. "It is nice to meet you all. Xander is quite good to the people we protect." She looked at him. "Will you be back soon? That wedding is coming up."
"I hope I'm going to be there for the wedding. The present's in my closet."
"Oooh! I'll tell Mother so she can find it if you can't get back in time." She cuddled him. "You did great!" She grinned and ran off, her squeal resulting in a portal that sent her home.
Xander looked at the staring people. "Hildegard's mom is Hileah. Her new son has colic and Hildegard got pouty about having to share so I found her pouting just about where something was going to happen. I got her home to her mom safely."
Giles took off his glasses to stare at him. "What?" he demanded. "Did I hear of that?"
"Yes. I sent in a report about that, and passed on your wishes for her healthy child, Giles. Would you like to see the email?"
"No, I remember that message. Nothing about that child."
"She's cool. Very cute. Likes cows." Giles put on his glasses to stare at him. Xander just grinned. "She's a neat kid and not dangerous to anyone. Unless they're made of marshmallow and donuts."
Willow snorted. "She's a demon."
"And she's peaceful," Xander said firmly, glaring at her. "She's about the same as an eight-year-old, Willow." She backed down with a huff. "I do not, and we do not as the Council, harm anything peaceful or a child for daring to exist. If that has changed back to the old ways let me know so I can fix it again." She shrank back away from him, shaking her head. The witches got her arms to hold her up. He looked at Giles again. "She's a neat kid. She gave me a daisy she grew for me for my birthday. It's planted at the farm."
"That is very sweet of her," Forrester agreed. "We've barely heard of her mother, Harris."
"You have two books on her."
"We do not."
"You do, because that's what I looked in to find her mom. Cosins looked her up for me."
"I'll ask him then. Does she often show up?"
"That was her cousin who had shown up."
"Oh. No wonder. All right. Are you well?" he asked.
"Bit hungry, bit dizzy, not a full on concussion though. I'll be fine." He nodded a bit. "I've had worse thanks to Buffy shoving me in a grave back in tenth grade."
"Hey!" she complained. "I didn't mean to, you were in the way!"
"I was getting the one you were ignoring who had a knife," he told her. He stared at Giles again, shrugging some. "I like Hildegard. She's a neat kid. And the minis mostly like her. All but Catherina. She's fussy at her hair not being played with. She's at that age where hair fascinates her."
"I have no experience with children," Giles admitted. "But I can understand that I suppose. Does her mother let her travel?"
"Her mother's probably a bit busy today with the new kid."
"Ah." He nodded. "That can happen I'm told. I think that's why my mother only had me." He stared at him. "It's good you've made decent friends as well." Xander grinned at him. "Though the weapons?"
"Yeah, we need them. There's me and Steph down there handling a lot of things. That's why I occasionally get to blackmail groups into helping." He beamed at him. "Though they don't like it and try to resist. At which point in time I'd just shoo the demons in their direction anyway to protect the rest of the people."
"They quit getting pissy about being talked into battles," Steph agreed happily. "And it does save the normal average human from having to deal with a demonic battle. Better that military guys handle it down there than the average person."
Xander nodded. "That's my take on it too." He looked at Giles again then smirked. "You do what you gotta do so humanity survives to quote myself in my senior year." He looked behind him, staring at a spot. "Hmm. That's ...higher powered but good. Not a messenger. There's a portal," he announced. "But it feels like a higher *good* power somehow."
The witches all stared. "Where?"
"Alley, to the left on the building's corner." He pointed. "The blue door'd building, Ambri."
She looked then nodded. "I can feel it starting. How are you feeling it starting?"
"Willow. She's broadcasting it and doesn't realize it apparently." The witches checked and blocked that on her so they could handle it. Yup, single higher being, glowing with white light, looked like an angel. Was actually a dangerous being of high problems. "Hey, Helle."
Constantine dropped his current cigarette to put it out with a sigh. "Helle."
"John!" She smiled at him, walking over to pat him on the cheek. "I've missed you at poker." She looked at Xander. "You are not playing nicely."
"I never play nicely, Helle. You know that."
"They need you to show off those skills to win, Xander. They sent me to warn you of that."
He stared at her. "If I need to use it I can do it without the concussion."
"You cannot. It's blocked by human's puny brains. They don't work that well, even with magic applied. Or your hellmouth taint." He pulled it up and focused on her. She giggled. "That's cute." Then someone tapped her on the shoulder. She turned and got hit on the face by Lucifer.
"Quit while we're all ahead," he told her. "Before he does do magic." She pouted at him, but looked pissed off. He looked at Xander, handing over something.
Xander looked at it. "Oooh, did I leave that there? Cool. Thanks." He grinned at him. "I'll need it later probably." He tucked it into his waistband, keeping Willow from snatching it. "Not. Yours." He glared at her. She shrank back again. He looked at that higher up. "Why bring it now? You could've sent a messenger." He waved a hand at something so they all looked. "Oh, that one. Sure." He took off his t-shirt and tossed it down, then handed Faith that book. "Hold that. Don't read it."
"It's not *exactly* cursed but it does cause migraines," Lucifer told her then disappeared.
Helle smiled at them. "Well, I guess that's how they plan on winning this time." She faded out too. Willow shot at her with a crossbow she took off a girl. "Hey! I'm a nice girl. Not a bad one."
"The only wicked witch allowed around my slayers is Willow," Buffy said dryly. "Sorry, ma'am." She smiled at her. "But who are you for those of us who don't play poker with Xander?"
"I'm Helle, dear. Goddess of the Hunt on Amdera."
"She's not like Artemis," John told her. "She's a bit...bent mentally."
Buffy nodded. "Is that why you like Xander?"
Helle laughed. "Oh, dear, no, I'd never sleep with a *human*. It'd be almost disgusting of one of us to do that vile thing." She stared at John. "Though, I know a few who'd like to test themselves against some of them."
"He knows where I am. I won the last time he tried."
She giggled. "That's so cute that you think you won. He didn't gift you with anything."
"I haven't called it in yet." She pouted. He stared at her. "Is that your brother coming in or someone else, Helle?"
"I have no idea." She smiled. "I just came to see the chaos." She beamed at him.
Willow got her again with a magic loaded bolt. That made the goddess scream and disappear. "Great." She looked at John, new bolt being loaded. "So...."
"I'm John Constantine, Witch." He stared at her.
"The exorcist."
"That too." He stared her down. She stared back. "Many are worried about some things going on out here."
"Hmm. Well, we have Xander for that."
"No, you don't, because you don't respect him. That shows *grandly*." He looked at Giles then at her again. "So back down. You won't win."
"I can call all the hellmouths to me," she said dryly with a smirk.
"And I know how to use them to backlash into you. That's what happens when you actually *read* the books you steal to learn from." She glared. He stared then smirked. "Some of us are a lot better than that." She pulled up magic and he encased her in a shield of his, making her shriek and fight but it wasn't coming down.
He yawned then lit a new cigarette to suck on, staring at her. "You sure you wanna do that? Each time you blast it you're losing magic you're not replacing." She tried to call on the hellmouths and didn't manage it. He nodded. "Yeah, I've blocked that all off. All you've got is what you're carrying and that's being leached out with each and every single thing you try."
"Willow, stop it," Buffy ordered, staring at John. "Don't attack Willow. It won't go nicely for you."
He smirked at her. "Not going to do anything about her this time but I am going to be ordered to handle her if she ever goes bad again. The higher ups with magic have already assured me that's my job later on." She winced. "So, leash training?"
He removed the magic shield with a wave and a mutter before taking another drag off his smoke, holding it and blowing it out slowly while he stared at Willow. "We'll talk some day, Rosenburg. They're all taking bets on when you'll finish Falling."
"I do hope she won't ever Fall," Giles told him. "Though many have helped even from the dark in our battles, Mr. Constantine."
"Oh, I'm aware, Ripper." He stared at him then grinned. "They made sure I realized. And she's created a portal recently. Did you stop that?"
He looked at her. "You did what?"
"To send those ones home!" she complained.
"Which meant I had to go end a huge problem that you let in," he told her. She pouted. "Grow up. Now. You're not a teenage girl. Actions have consequences and the rest of us don't want to handle them for you." She huffed off. He looked at Giles. "Abdicor sent me to handle her portal in payment for a poker debt." He finished that smoke and let it fall so he could stomp it out. He looked at Giles again. "She's gathering more and more and not dumping it. They're all worried."
"I will be having a delightful chat with her later."
"Hopefully of the paddling her variety?" he shot back with a grin. "Could help!" He blocked her blast of a spell and knocked her out. She squealed but fell with a moan. He looked at Giles again. "Even Rayne was tired of her misusing chaos magic." He looked at Xander and shot something at the one he was fighting, which hit Xander but charged him so he had more energy to use. "Just call the damn holes," he called.
"Shut up! I've fought this one eight other times! The damn asshole only dies by some mystical artifact Travers had destroyed because it was mystical."
"Half of those we saved," Forrester called.
"Not that one. The chalice!"
"Oh, that we didn't save," he sighed. "Or the potion it contained. Unfortunately." He grimaced, calling home. "Other manners of killing it? And not Xander as he's the only one fighting it?"
The watchers looked and one of the old ones nodded. "That potion in the chalice or perhaps Eurdytel's potion?"
"That takes two years to brew," a witch complained. "We don't have any stored. Travers said not to."
The demon smirked at them. "Of course not, the one he was vowed to would never let that potion around because it could harm him as well."
Xander snorted and did something that made a few people shudder but the calling up of spirits made them all wince as well. "Yeah, eat me." He sent them at that being to fight it. It screamed as they invaded him to take him over. The being fled from being possessed and didn't come back. Xander bowed and let them go back to their rest. He walked over with a sigh. "That potion means that he's possessable. I was warned it'd open me further if I got any on me."
"We did warn you of that," Ambri said quietly with a nod. "That one we had to make for you was a part of that bigger potion and it would've opened you to spirits." She looked at her senior coven members, who were looking that up with the watchers.
"He's right," one of the watchers agreed from the phone. "Damn it."
Xander grinned and waved. "No matter how often people put me down for being able to research, I did learn." He grabbed his t-shirt to put back on.
"Why the no shirt thingy?" Buffy complained.
"Because I'm tired and sweaty, Buffy. Do I need to keep it on while I'm fighting again?" She pouted about that but shook her head. He sighed, shaking his head but looking at Giles. Who was staring at him. "What?"
"I agree, I wouldn't want a t-shirt to stick to my sweat either." He patted him on the arm. "It appears we're done here for today. We have one in two days that may be nasty. Not sure yet as this one warped that one a bit."
"Good," the military commander agreed with a nod. "You're all rather...odd."
Xander looked at him. "Then do the duty for us so we can retire." He grinned. "I'd really love that in Africa. I could fall back to just training the minis."
He shook his head. "We're not allowed to do that. The president said we're not."
"That's the same guy who goes on tv to complain that women are protecting him so that figures," Buffy quipped. "We're going to rest and recover. See you guys in two days. Probably back in this area." She walked off, the slayers following her.
Xander looked at him. "By the visions we saw the eighteenth street sign." He looked and pointed. "That one. That's seen as we run past it from the east." That got a moan. "So yeah, maybe a few blocks that way." He walked off too.
John shook his head. "I just fell in for the battle," he admitted, heading off into the places that weren't cleared for the battle. He could use a drink.
"I agree, we need to rest for the next one," Giles said with a hand wave. "Let us depart." The rest of them gathered up things that were brought and left to recover at the hotel for now. It was a pity the hotel Angel had used had fallen in but the Hyatt was nice enough to them.
The military commander looked at his people, who all stared back. "Make sure those healers get wherever in a healthy, peaceful manner. Then clean this area up and we'll be back here in a few days I guess," he sighed. They nodded, doing that for him. He really had to ask to be reassigned. He didn't want to be in LA or Cleveland. Or DC. Maybe he'd bid for Maine or Iowa, because if these things showed up in Maine or Iowa he'd retire for good.
***
John Constantine walked up to the follow up problem, hearing the guy cheer about only the undead being able to harm him. He blinked a few times. "So what about those who're spirits instead of living?" he asked. The evil thing gave him an odd look. "Like a lich or a vampire maybe?"
"They're living."
"They're not living," Xander agreed. "And if I had access to a lich I know a *charming* general I want to introduce it to. Now, vampires we do have...." He looked at the slayers there. "We can see if you can meet one."
"They're not real."
One girl was calling her boyfriend but Xander shook his head and pointed. "Demon bar that way by a block, Tiff." She ran to go find one. They came back with two vampires who wanted to be tough. "Can you guys see if you can harm him for us? He said he can only be harmed by undead things."
"Which we do fit," one of them said happily. He vamped out, with his friend sighing but following. They did hurt the guy, and called in their buddies to come help. Which made that evil thing very upset with them. But oh well! It screamed and ran away from the vampire gang.
"Thank you," Tiff called as she came back. She was petting a cat. Buffy stared at her oddly. "It jumped on me, Buffy. So I paid for it." She shrugged. "It came out of my allowance."
"Sure, the cat delivery system works outside of witches," Buffy said with a nod, coming over to pet the cat. "You're cute, don't let Willow's cat bully you, kitty." She looked at Xander. "So why think you'd handle that?"
"Because I can kinda call the undead," he offered with a grin. "Shaman can talk to spirits. I do a lot of that some weeks?" She gaped. He stared. "Easier to talk to them instead of being possessed by them, right?"
"Point I guess." She nodded, going back to petting the cat. The thing came back once the vampires were gone but John sighed and called on something to help. Which Xander ordered how to help and gave it a sword to use. John stared at him. Buffy grinned at the magical person. "Xander's just like that sometimes.
"The Powers have an 'only Xander' switch they flip sometimes to make him handle something specific to try to kill him so he quits telling the minis about free will and making choices. They really hate him." She grinned again. "So we let him warp it. Like this week." She took the cat to cuddle. "You're so comforting," she said since it was purring. "Don't let the minis make you bald or put you in clothes okay? They're kinda freaky that way."
Tiff took her new cat back to cuddle herself. "I'm sure they'll leave my cat alone." Xander got finished holding the spirit steady so it could fight that thing, which made the vampires happier and bet on the outcome. When it was dead, John uncast the summoning while Xander walked over to grab his sword where it fell.
One of the vampires stared at Xander. "You know, you'd make a charming one of us."
Xander stared at him. "You have no idea who I am, do you?" he asked with a grin.
"No. But you're cute enough, even with the eye thing."
Xander smirked. "I'm Xander."
"Like Buffy's Xander?" he guessed. He nodded and pointed at Buffy, who grinned and waved. He looked at his buddies then at him. "Oh, shit."
"Go, dude, flee. You helped us so have a happy night." They nodded while running for their unlives.
"Xander, have you been mean to the vampires in Africa?" Buffy asked dryly.
"Of course. You know I hate vampires." He stared at her. "What did you expect me to do? Let them live?"
"Well, no," she admitted. "But mass stakings like that are probably not good for your image."
"Why would I mass stake?" he asked dryly. "I can build an explosive holy water grenade, Buffy. I don't need to stake them since ours are all beheaders down there." Her mouth fell open. He grinned. "I offered you one, you said that's not the slayer way and then reminded me I'm not a slayer a few minutes later." He shrugged. "Works well for me." She moaned, staring at him oddly.
"As far as I know, Africa has under a hundred vampires in a few areas. If they're building again I'll fix that on the way back to my circuit." He grinned at John. "Thanks for the assist, dude." He petted Tiff's cat, getting a loud meow. "I know, you sense the hyena, who is a dog running on cat software, baby. It's all good. You're not food now." He walked off. "Going home now. Laters."
"Your stuff in Cleveland?" Buffy called after him.
"I didn't leave anything there, Buffy. It's all in my bag."
"You had the rental car," she said. "And the two suitcases."
"Which came with me and I handed back the rental when we flew out here."
"You helped some of us get to the airport," she complained. "Who are we going to ride with on the way back?"
Giles sighed. "Buffy, we can work that out once we get back to Cleveland," he assured her. She pouted but nodded. "Do have a safe trip, Xander, and let us know about anything major going on so I can send girls."
"They hate when you do that," Willow complained.
"Yes, well, we don't want to lose a whole continent, do we?" he asked her. She shook her head, ducking it down. He looked at Buffy then at the others. "Let's go, girls. We fly out tomorrow morning." They bounced off to go to the hotel and maybe the hotel bar to try to pick up nice, easy men who wouldn't care about their callings. He looked at the other magical, getting a head shake and a sigh back. "They are very full of life."
"Yes they are. Have fun with that. If I find someone who could do the duty I'll send them to you?"
"Please. We do desperately need new watchers. Someone's got to take Xander's place someday." He followed the girls back to the hotel, which wasn't that far away.
John went to his own motel room for the night, hoping he didn't know anyone else that insane. No one deserved to be Xander Harris' successor. Not even Lucifer could handle what that crazy guy did.
***
Xander showed up in Cleveland a few weeks later, sighing as the hellmouth welcomed him home again. He looked at the three girls with him then shrugged. "She's happy," he said quietly but sarcastically.
"We can tell," Steph said with a grin and a nod. "A lot!" They got their bags and went to the car rental desk. Who didn't want to rent to Xander until he pulled out his credit card and they decided he wasn't so evil to be with slayers. He got them into the sedan and then to the house after a pretty long drive. He parked with a sigh and rested on the steering wheel.
"How places that have dirt roads and a lot of traffic are better than Cleveland I'm not sure. I mean, seriously!" They giggled at that. He turned off the car once it was in park and looked at them. "Andrew's the guy in the kitchen." They nodded, getting out and grabbing their bags to go inside. He got his two and locked the car, staring at the being staring at the house. "Dude, if you're hoping to date one of them, just ask already. It's creepy if you're stalking," he called.
"No, just paying attention. They said something huge was coming."
"And here I am," he quipped dryly. The being stared at him. He grinned and waved. "Hi."
"Oh, dear." He nodded. "Welcome back, Harris."
He grinned and nodded. "Got a witch thing going on with some of my girls." That got a nod and he ran off to call that in. He walked in through the open door, kicking it shut once he made sure no animals were in the way. "Hey, coven ladies?" he called. "Kitchen please! And Patricks as well if you're here."
"Quit yelling," Buffy called back. "You're interrupting dinner, Xander!"
"Shut up. Not involving you this time, Buffy." He headed that way with a point for his girls, who went in there. Andrew stared at them oddly but got them all plates. Xander shook his head so he didn't get one. "I'm still queasy from the flight, 'Drew, but thank you." He looked back at the witch coming in with Patricks. It was the head of the coven.
He grinned and waved a hand then got out of the way. "The hellmouth was trying to suck the spell off them through me to protect them. We have one other infected the same way but she's with Algena in her temple with the healers because she's also sick with the flu and she's right off a hellmouth. And she's scared of planes because she's six."
"Hold on, what?" Watcher Patricks asked. He was the only other watcher outside of Giles who used magic very well.
"Someone, who I don't *think* is Willow this time though she's done it before, charged the girls with magic. It upset Sineya's spirit. It linked them into the hellmouth, which is trying to save them from being overwhelmed by it by sucking at it through my connection to them, which is why I don't think it's Willow's fault this time, and they're seriously starting to glow in dark rooms."
The witch sighed. "When did she do that?"
"Last year, to Amanda. That's why I got the prompting to go see her suddenly and showed up then get her to an ER."
"Oh, that time. That was Willow having a mistaken casting at something larger."
Xander stared at her. "Don't BS me," he said quietly. "Really. I grew up with Willow. Have known her since the first day of kindergarten." She winced. "And I've felt plenty of her magic since she grew it. Amanda's boyfriend was the one who had me sent for that way because he was a higher level being. And they're still good together."
"Shite," Patricks muttered. "I hadn't heard."
Xander nodded. "That seems to happen a lot around here," he agreed with a nod and a grin. But he waved a hand at the girls again. "So we have to undo it please. And tell me how to help the sick little one in the temple. Before someone explodes."
"You could've called us down there," the witch offered.
"No I can't. You guys never show up. And Willow barely shows up and never when we actually *need* a magic person."
"Oh." She sighed. "That's wrong of her." Xander nodded, waving at the girls again. "Let me check them over. Go get me Hilda, Patricks." He went to do that and came back to help her with Giles following to see what was going on.
"Same sort of problem that hit Amanda last year, Giles," Xander told him. "One of the truly minis is sick so in a temple being guarded and helped. She's too sick to fly."
"Oh, dear." He stepped in to help the searching and Andrew added in the fifth to see what was going on.
Xander centered himself and connected to the hellmouth locally. It petted him, you could see his hair moving with it, and then the girls all got eased out of the magic poisoning they had.
"That helps, thank you, Xander," Giles said quietly. He stepped back, staring at what was coming up. "That is not Willow at least. Who is that?"
Xander looked then at him. "It tastes like cinnamon. I've got like cinnamon roll taste in the back of my throat each time I do that for them. And a bit of maybe something spicy like one of the pumpkin pie spices."
Patricks tested him and nodded. "That's cloves. That's an odd combination. Who ...how are you tasting magic?"
He shrugged. "I'll take weird skills only Xander has for a hundred?" he guessed.
"Point." He looked at the girls. "Can you get them down farther?"
"No. Not without making them get sick too." He looked at Steph, who nodded. He touched her bare wrist and it sucked a bit worse at her, making her go pale. He let her wrist go. The magic equalized in her again, making her sigh in relief. "Algena's called her aunt to see if there was anything they could do to help that tiny one. And she should be safe and fine there. The hellmouth is connected directly to her to ease it off but not suck too hard. She's got my hiding necklace actually to do that."
Patricks nodded. "That would be a connection but not a strong one so it shouldn't hurt her."
"How did we cure Amanda's?" Giles asked the senior witch.
"We basically stripped it all from her while she meditated and it weakened to the point where the spell broke. I have no idea if we can do that this time."
"I can connect these three here to the hellmouth so I can get back to the mini down there that needs me," Xander promised. "I can steady her easier, she's a lot more open than these three are since they have shields."
"That could help," she agreed with a nod. "All right." She considered it. "Let me get the girls." Xander nodded. "We'll send you back, Xander."
"Okay. Thanks." He grabbed his two bags to put onto the counter for now. Andrew stared at him. "They're not dirty, 'Drew. Even though they were in the plane. Not like I could leave stuff down there."
He nodded. "I can understand that. And I have lysol wipes for when the girls put goo on things." He looked at them. Xander linked them all individually and set it so it was a bit off of them but still sucking enough. Steph's was hardest to place, she had the best shields because she was older. But the hellmouth understood and she nodded at that, sighing in relief as she felt it leaving again.
Buffy walked in. "What happened?"
"Same thing that happened to Amanda but not sure who," Xander said, stepping back and cutting his link to them. He reset theirs and it was better. He nodded. "There you go. All set up, ladies." They grinned and hugged him. "I'll go help Semi." He looked at her. "Not Willow but someone. Not sure why though."
"Okay, we can figure that out." She nodded, looking at them. "You three eat. It might be a few hours before your next meal."
"Try not to inhale too much," the witch said. "It could make you nauseous to drain it, ladies." They nodded, eating more slowly. She looked at the witches coming in. "They got infected the same way Amanda was last year but not by the same cause."
"That sucks," Willow said as she came in. She tested them. "Why are you linked to the hellmouth?"
"It's sucking off the magic poisoning," Xander told her. "That way they don't explode. Literally." The three girls winced at that. "The other's in a temple near another one and she's protected for now. I'm going to go help free her once you ladies can work on that?"
"That's fine, Xander," witch Ambri agreed. "That's reasonable. She must be scared."
"She's six so yeah. A bit." He looked at the girls. "They've all got their passports with them so they can come home easier."
"That's good," Giles agreed. He considered it. "We can probably cut the spell with Sineya's help."
"She's super pissed," Xander told him, staring at him. "I meditated toward her with Semi's help and she's super pissed at whoever did this. Called it interfering and damaging."
"It probably would be, yes." He nodded once. "The workroom?" The witches nodded, taking the girls up there with things to drink. Xander got sent home by Willow. Not to the right place and without the bags. But they followed a minute later and he could get there since he was at the farm he held steady for the girls to train at. He had a link to each one's house. He headed through Semi's, nodding at her mother. "Going there now. They're working to free the magic from the girls."
"Isn't Semi already freed?"
"No. We've been having it lessened until the coven could get to it for real. She's safe and not in danger, but she's still got that magical infection going on. They're working on it now." He gave her a hug around the shoulders before hiking off. It was only a few miles. He walked into the temple, nodding at the goddess sitting there. "How's my mini doing?"
"She's still here. My aunt was highly confused."
"So are the witches." He sighed. "But they've got the other three and are working on them. If not they may have to stay on a hellmouth for their entire lives until it's fixed." That got a nod. "Thanks. Let me go help Semi." He went to the infirmary, nodding at the healers. They pointed to the garden so he went that way. "Hey, kiddo. Let's meditate with Sineya so we can figure out how to cure it. The witches have the other three."
"Are they going to be okay? Sineya's still very worried," she said quietly, staring at him.
"I'd hope so. Otherwise I'll bring them back and kick an ass." She giggled. He nodded. "Let's go use the tree again." She giggled, running to her favorite tree to sit under and learn things. He settled next to her, helping her get into the meditation. She found the connection easily and with the other girls joined in meditation. Xander joined in, hand on her arm for now to make sure she was safe. His shields went around her.
Up in Cleveland, the three girls smiled. "Semi's still fine. She's with Sineya," Steph reported. "She's meditating."
"Good," the senior witch agreed. "It's good for all you girls." She got to work fixing this problem.
One of the witches wasn't really interested in fixing it. She had her orders from the PTB. So she weakened the protections around them a bit. All three slayers stared at her. She flinched back.
"Hmm, cinnamon and cloves," Patricks said quietly. "That figures." He stared at the younger witch. "Do explain yourself."
"The PTB said it must be so."
"They can suck my ass," Steph told her in her native language. "And they know how to translate that," she finished in English, making the other two giggle. "I'm not expendable and neither are they."
"Calm down, we'd never let you be sacrificed," Giles assured her, staring at that witch. Who huffed off. He sent a text message to Buffy and Willow, who captured her and Willow would make her undo her spells. All of them in existence. The witches all sighed at that. The spells snapping made the three slayers all flinch but one started to have a heart failure moment. Buffy moved to start CPR. Then there was a faint dark glow and she was fine. They were all fine. "Ladies?" Giles asked quietly.
"Xander said he'd never let us die without a good reason," Steph said, swallowing hard. "He made sure we won't slip away." She looked at the senior witch. Who came in to uncast the magic around them and the hellmouth helping them. It left them with a bit of magic but they could handle that. Steph passed out, coming to a few minutes later. "Poor Semi. Her mom's going to freak out." She sighed, rubbing her forehead. The other two looked like they had headaches too.
"Why?" Buffy asked.
"The easiest way to get magic you shouldn't have in you out is by something sucking it out." Steph looked at her. "Which means a succuba or something." Buffy winced. "It works."
"It does," she agreed. "Semi's too young to know about them though."
"Semi went to the bar down where she is to meet everyone last year," the youngest of the three told Buffy, staring at her. "She totally walked in and introduced herself then went to ask people who they were. Her mother was horrified but they all thought she was very sweet. They spread that pretty far and wide since Xander was busy so we all talked to Semi about it."
The other girl nodded. "A lot. She has some sense but she's six."
Buffy grinned. "I petted everything I could then."
"She didn't pet, she acted very polite," the youngest assured her. "Just asked about who they were." They all felt the problem starting. "There's a slayer in danger."
Buffy felt then grimaced. "I can barely feel that starting. WILLOW!" She came rushing in. "Sineya's showing that one of us is in real trouble."
"I have no idea how to handle that."
"Get me near them," she ordered. "With a weapon."
"I... can't just send you. I have no idea which one."
The three girls shared a look then at her. "Send Xander, it's Cho Ahn," Steph said. "It's probably not something tiny like a bad boyfriend." Willow nodded, sending him there without the mini he was touching. She sent Buffy and Giles down to that one to protect her.
Buffy sat down with a sigh. "Hey, Semi."
"Hi, Buffy." She blinked. "Did Xander get sent to help Cho Ahn?" She nodded. "That's good. People are mean. She was fighting."
"That's not something you need to worry about," Giles said, sitting in front of her. "Do disconnect from Sineya for a moment so I can see if you need more drained, dear."
She blinked at him. "You're Mr. Giles."
"I am." He smiled and nodded. "Willow sent us to help you."
"Okay." She let go of the slayer spirit, which meant she didn't have to see what happened to Cho Ahn at the moment. "I hope she'll be okay. Xander didn't have any weapons on him."
"Honey, Xander's always got weapons," Buffy assured her with a smile and a pat on the hand. "He's got some hidden somehow." She nodded at that, sighing a bit. "Let's test the magic for you." They did that and Buffy helped by sharing her connection to Sineya with her. That meant she didn't have to see what was going on with the other girls. Giles got her untangled and it was better. "There you go."
"That hurts."
"It makes you feel sick," Buffy agreed. "Willow's hit me with magic before and it does to me too." Giles unraveled the hellmouth touching her by taking Xander's pendant from her. That helped her feel better. "There." She gave her a hug. "All better?" she asked Giles, who nodded. "Good. Then let's go thank some people and help you get home, sweetheart."
"Okay. My mother would worry."
"That's what moms do and that's why we want you to have your mom help you grow up." She smiled at her. "Just like I did." The girl grinned as she nodded back. They got up and Semi went to thank everyone she could, including the goddess, who smiled at her as she patted her on the head. Buffy bowed to her. "Thank you for helping the mini, ma'am."
"How did you appear?"
"Xander had to be suddenly sent to Cho Ahn to help her with something. I was helping protect the other three." That got a nod of understanding. "This is Rupert Giles, my watcher and the head watcher over everyone. Even Xander."
"Pleasure to meet you, ma'am, and thank you for watching over our mini slayer for a bit. It was a great help. Do let us know if we can help you in return."
"I will." She smiled. "She's a delight to the local community." Buffy grinned, taking her home. "She does radiate that she's vulnerable."
"I can craft a protection with her parents' consent," Giles assured her with a bow. "Thank you." He walked off after the two girls. Her house wasn't that far from here. He'd talk to her mother when they got there.
***
Xander got sent back to Cleveland with Cho Ahn, staring at her. "Want Miss Patricia in the infirmary or just a hug?" he asked her quietly.
"I..." She got hugged and cried on his shoulder. "I have no idea what I did wrong."
"You didn't. They did wrong. A lot of wrong." He held in the growl, looking at the watcher coming in. "She'll need Miss Patricia. Now please." He sent for her, coming closer. "The guard unit she had decided she was *Fun*," he said bitterly. "She fought them off but she's got a few good cuts and the like." Patricia hurried in. "Miss Patricia, I stopped the ones who wanted *fun*." He grimaced.
"Good of you to do, Xander," she said in an Australian accent. "Cho Ahn, want to come to the infirmary?" she asked gently, touching her on the shoulder. "I'm ready when you are but I know Xander gives great hugs. All the girls say so." The slayer looked at her. "Hi. You're safe."
"They could still come back."
Xander snorted, looking at her. "Like hell. I'm going to have a talk with an embassy. Again." She shuddered. "The last time I told them I had to go help you with that demon. They weren't happy." He grinned coldly at her. "I don't think it'll be a problem though, sweetheart." He kissed her on the forehead, whispering a protection cantrip. "There you go." She nodded, pulling back to wipe her face off. "Go be safe. I'm going back to help Semi. I'm hoping she's okay." He looked at the witch in the doorway. "Semi?"
"Rupert got her free, Xander, and Buffy made sure she didn't sense a thing from the others." She looked at the other slayer. "We'll get you some tea and cookies, Cho Ahn. Let us get him back there." He nodded, being sent back. They got the slayer upstairs to the infirmary so she could curl up and be upset. The other girls would come in to help her relax in a bit for the nightly meditation. It was a well liked slayer tradition when someone was in the infirmary so the others knew they were okay.
***
Xander walked into the Chinese embassy two days later, smiling at the receptionist, who called her boss before he said a word. He looked at that one. "I had to remove Cho Ahn," he said patiently, staring at the older man.
"We were told but not why."
"You're lucky I didn't take out her backup unit that wanted *fun*. I only got a few of them very seriously."
The man flinched. "They did what?"
"She's in our infirmary. She managed to fight off ten of them then panicked when a few pounced her together." He stared at him. "I'm really sorry I didn't save your people a trial but ..." He shrugged. "We were in the middle of another emergency."
"Oh, dear." He swallowed and nodded. "I'll pass that up to the higher ups."
"Please do. I have no idea about Cho Ahn's decisions about things. I know she's in the infirmary, still." That got a single nod. "I'm just glad the girls having the emergency realized she was having another one faster than they'd usually be hit with it because they were meditating."
"I will let them know and I'm sorry you didn't save us a trial as well if that's true. But we will gladly have one." He bowed. Xander bowed back and left. He went to call up to his senior people, who were not amused but now understood why their slayer was missing and that whole unit was under quarantine of their local base's commander. They would handle their own people being shameful.
Xander went to the local hellmouth, pulling a small box out of his truck to bring with him. He stepped into the center, holding the box. Then he summoned.
"I'm not supposed to get near anyone I used to know," a female voice called.
"I don't care and you didn't really know me anyway. You discounted me horribly, Cordelia." She faded into view, being ghostly. He held out a box with a grin. "Happy birthday. And you can use the axe I'm giving you if they ever go near another slayer the way they went after Cho Ahn and the four girls down here." He smirked a bit.
She took the box to look inside. "Lady's axe, two romance novels, thank you for that, chocolate. Oh, bless you." She sighed, staring at him. "They fine?"
"Somewhat. Semi's still sick and too connected. Cho Ahn's traumatized. The other three are working towards okay again."
"I'll let it be known."
He grinned. "Remind them that if they lose slayers then the slayers don't have to fight for them. Many governments don't want to let the girls go into battles. They could retire today and a lot of people would be super happy and give them way less stress. Then what would the PTB do?"
"I think it was the ones they're betting with actually."
He grinned. "You can tell them about me, sweetie." He blew a kiss at Whistler when he showed up. "That way I'm a shiny little knight holding a shield."
She nodded. "Not a bad plan, though dangerous for you."
He shrugged. "Someone will be me the next generation." She shook her head, nibbling on a hershey's kiss. He nodded with a grin. "Yeah there will be. Otherwise they lose a whole continent full of people." She winced at that. "Because it's me and Steph doing it all with a few military guys down here." He shrugged but smirked at Whistler. "And if they're behind what happened to Cho Ahn, I've got a grenade you can have too, Whistler."
"No thanks and I don't think they were. The spell maybe, but that's not their style, Harris, and you know that."
"Yeah and I know their plans. A lot of their plans. They were trying to weaken the stronger girls down here before next year's thing. So I'll be super exhausted and lose which means all the continent is dead. And probably parts of the rest of the world." Whistler winced at that but nodded.
"So they should probably not." He pulled the grenade out of his pocket to hold out. "Here, I brought you a present too. Use it however you feel you must to protect the girls. Otherwise you don't have a reason to have a job, dude."
"Oh, dear," he said, taking it. "Thank you, Harris."
"Welcome!" He grinned at him then at her. "I've got two other bags of kisses in the truck for the minis. I can buy more if you steal them."
"I may do that," she said, eating another one and putting the bag back in her box. "Thank you for the books."
"I figured you were getting bored since the calling means the girls don't get romance novel sort of loves. Or any loves or dates. Must be pretty boring watching them want to date but guys being scared of them."
"Yeah that does suck. You know, Anya told everyone."
"Oh, I've heard." He smirked with a nod. "Including from Hezza."
She winced. "Ow. That'll hurt you greatly."
"Nah, it was great fun." He smirked. "I even intentionally let her win the sparring match first. Which she giggled about but I was past three battles in about a month's time so I really needed it. So thank them for sending her my way." She moaned with a shiver, nodding a bit. "Oh, and the visions, they're wrong. Again. The slayer dreams are showing Kennedy riding a deer. She's not Fae and the Fae court up there hates her. They're holding Willow against her."
"Poor lady. Yeah, that's super weird," she told Whistler, who frowned but checked then sighed and nodded. "That's not Kennedy. That's... Mirriam?"
"Mirriam's ten months old," Xander said dryly. "So it's not her and the date is next week. So...." He stared at her.
"Huh. That is super weird, yeah. We can pass that on. Though, that battle, could end you."
"Or I could just totally go bad guy and blow them up." He beamed as he nodded. "As I plan on doing. With a lot of fun."
She moaned again. "I hate you in that mood, Xander, but have fun. Thanks for the books!" She disappeared to go spread that message.
Whistler looked at him. "She won't use the axe."
He stared back. "She needs some exercise time. Angel taught her to use one."
"Oh. Okay."
"And you guys are getting attacked next year sometime." He showed him that vision. "I included it in her box."
Whistler read it, frowning. "Who is that?"
"Someone from outside. I can guess but have no great idea. According to another Xander that's something like an ascended in his realm. Something about proto-humans and Atlantis, which is a tv show here...." He stared at him.
"Oh, no. Not them again. All right. Thanks."
"Welcome!" He grinned and waved, stepping back. "Have fun!"
"You too, Harris." He left to share that. Her box did have a copy of that vision so he brought it with him. They were nagging Cordelia. "He had a point. They shared a vision with him." He let them see it. They all read it then stared at him oddly. "They were warning him so we've got fair warning. Harris is that sort of being."
"Yeah, Xander does believe in fair warning when it's a great idea," Cordelia said. "And it was nice he gave me something to read and do when I'm not taking messages."
"You should not have appeared to him."
"He summoned me, I didn't have a thing to do with that."
"He does not do magic!"
"He is trained to talk to spirits, which we are," she countered. "When they trained those possessions."
The PTB shared a look then stared at her. "What?"
She sighed and called up a mirror to show them what he had learned then went to today's summoning. She stared at them. "Xander can talk to spirits. Including us as we are counted as spirits."
They groaned but settled in to talk about that prophecy and the problem with the slayer dreams they've been told about. The two messengers went to relax again. Which meant Cordelia got to read her first romance novel in years. It was sweet of her ex to help her be less bored.
She's go back to axe training later so they weren't killed when they were attacked.
***
Two Assholes Walk Into A Bar.