All three Starks landed in DC, one of them pulling up a locator chip he had on his teammates' gear. "We have six locations for four people," he said. He sent the information over.
"Two are warehouses, one's in the river." The GHS Xander's Tony Stark grimaced. "Let's just destroy the imbeciles. You've got kids to taunt into having fun instead of working in a lab."
"I try, they do it to themselves. The same as we did but without the ignoring times." They flew off to handle things at the various locations. The warehouses had agents. Not good agents but agents. The river was an underground lair, that was quickly flooded when it only had Natasha's wrist taser in for study since that was a secure room. The other site... it had agents too but they were trying to get in. "Oh, let me," Stark said, blasting open the doors. "Sorry, we were busy with the other problems going on. Though these ones have pissed off my kids." He stomped inside. The agents followed. The other two Starks showed up to help. There was already a fight going. Someone was trying to take Steve down with Bucky. Wasn't going to work. Especially not with a missile going up their asses the easy way. "Hey. Miss me?"
"Desperately," Steve growled. He noticed the others. "I'm not sure if they're good or not."
"If not, we'll handle it. If so, they're helpful. I'm pretty sure we rescued weapons. I kept Dawn from coming to help."
"Thank you!" Natasha said bruskly, taking her guns back from one of them. The one from her realm held up her taser with a grin. She snatched it to put back on. "Where is she?"
"Safe with the kids where we were." She nodded once. Then she stomped off. He zapped her, making her scream. "Like I didn't see the surgical scar you didn't have before, dear." Bucky knelt to check her, nodding at the scar. "Okay, let's rescue everyone, go stomp the bad guys, I have to go stop Chris from plotting destruction because he chose to wake up Dawn and not me to come handle this." Steve winced, nodding. "Let's do this, guys." Suddenly, Steve and the others fired on him. "Hey, a fun event."
Dawn showed up, walking in behind all the groups. They weren't paying attention to anyone who might show up to oppose them. That was a really big mistake. She chanted a few sentences, then held up a hand and crushed something, letting it twinkle to the floor. Suddenly, everything slowed down. She walked around, taking weapons, moving people. She found the hidden cells and they were trying to get out. She got them out and nodded. "I've slowed it down. Not sure if that was actually Bucky or not, but Steve was firing on his baby daddy so I'm doubting it's him."
They rushed up. She went looking, finding Bucky in a cell going nuts. "Hey!" She banged on the door then blew it open. She stared at him. "There's a maybe you upstairs firing on all three Tonys." He growled. "You go back there, watch me knock you the fuck out." She put her hands on her hips. "Coming? Or do I have to torture you by making you help me through labor this time?"
He shuddered. "I heard about the last one. No thank you," he growled, walking past her. "Shouldn't you be resting or something?"
"Yeah but there was a not-Steve and a not-Natasha out there firing on all three Tonys. Sorry, had to jump in and take your macho points," she quipped. "Go do macho hero stuff so I don't have to. 'Kay?" She smiled.
He snorted. "Go sit down, Summers. Let the men do the men work and Natasha do the bad things."
"But I like bad things." She followed after checking for more hostages. She came out into a holy mess, looking around. "Do I need to restart things?"
"Already has," Clint called. "Did you see Katie Kate?"
"No. But she's nearby. Let me go find her." She got around the fighting, only having to fire on two of them. She ran into the backup team and agents, plus both Furys outside. "Guys, they're in there firing on all three Iron Mans. We had not-peoples too. I released the hostages I found."
Fury stared at her. "Aren't you pregnant?"
"Shut the fuck up or become a ferret like ours," she shot back then smiled. "I'm not in the mood for you." She walked around him. "Kate, Clint was worried about you...." She trailed off, seeing the new suit flying in. "Please tell me that's Iron Patriot or something?"
Kate looked. "I have no idea who that is. It's not Rhodes is it?"
"No. I can tell Rhodey." She considered it then lit up a magic ball. "Identify yourself or be toasted." That was the thicker, Hulkbuster armor Tony had developed in case they had to take down the Hulk on a rampage some day.
"Gee, thanks," Chris said. "Next time I won't be the big hero guy so I can have slutty harem girls some day. By the way, Calia's running the weapons. I'm just destroying things." He destroyed the front of the building and stomped in, batting a few people away from the versions of his fathers. "Nope, not going to happen."
"Grounded!" All three Starks, all three Steves, and Bucky yelled.
Clint looked at him. "I'd find a way to make sure they don't remember you were here, Chris. I can't even imagine the hell you're in for."
"It was this or turning on my cat army units. I would've used the war dogs but they're nice. So I guess I'll have to use them on the bad guys." He flung them out, hitting quite a few. "Now, Sissy." They all stiffened and shrieked but went down. When they started to get up, they had glassy eyes and looked like they were staring through everything. "Protect the Avengers," he ordered. They moved to herd them into a corner but protected them from their group's firing on them. "I need to word that better."
"No, it works," Clint said. He fired on a few from around the cover of the controlled bad agents. That helped a lot.
"Still. Grounded," Daddy Tony ordered. "Get your ass home, son! Now!" he growled.
"Yup, in a minute, Dad. I can see why you like flying in this thing. It's fun and fast."
Steve grabbed him to pull down. "Are you totally stupid?" he demanded. "You're too damn young to be in the suit, or to be at a battle!"
"Sissy's got the weapons. I'm just doing the physical destruction and being a diversion." He grinned. "Love you too, Stepmom." He got free and flew up then landed on top of some agents firing on his father. "Hi. How're you? Isn't it such a pretty night for a fly?"
"I'm taking you to a shrink when we get home, son," Tony ground out. "Dawn, come get your damn nephew!"
She floated him out, nodding. "We'll be having a talk until you get back." She pointed and Chris huffed but followed orders. He even waved at the three incoming suits. "Oh, hey, it's Rhodey. It's HYDRA," she called to him with a wave. "Go help please?" One nodded, heading in there. One hovered, staring at the other suit. "It's Chris and Calia, Rhodey."
"I'll get the story on them later," he decided, flying inside.
Dawn looked up and prayed to Xander to come help. Apparently he was busy, he sent young, chaosy GHS Xander. Who was still in his leather battle outfit with the sword. "Hey. I wanted mine."
"He's busy destroying the base with the dirty cops. It's nice that even the mob guys are helping destroy there." He looked inside. "I can do that thing. Chicago hated it but yay."
"Please," Dawn said. "It could really help. Fury, don't move yet. Let him do his thing." Fury glared at her and moved but the hormones had started to spike. The waiting team all winced and backed up a few steps but inside, people weren't backing up, they weren't fighting, and even the controlled ones were all too happy to give up because it meant the pain and need would be stopped. Dawn waved a hand. "Go for it, guys." She got out of the way.
Clint stomped out, pausing to kiss her. "Where's the others?"
"No idea and you're not mine so I should beat you to death for that."
He grinned. "Nice call, Princess." She pinched him on the arm. "No clue?"
"I didn't see them down there. He's got me blocked off but Natasha doesn't." She concentrated on them. They were on a helicarrier. "On a helicarrier." Fury came back out. "My Clint and Natasha are on one that's not yours."
"Fuck," he said, calling that in to Hill.
Dawn looked at Kate, who grinned back. "C'mon, let's go save the spouses."
"Nope, you get to sit," Kate said with a point. "Clint would murder me horribly if I let you get into a fight while you're pregnant." She looked at her team. "Where's the helicarriers, Fury?"
"Triskelion."
"Good to go," she said, waving a hand. That Clint followed. Chris tried to follow but Dawn pointed and he sat back down again.
Bucky stomped past them. "That's weirder than you, Summers. The others?"
"Mine are on a helicarrier. Kate and her crew went, Bucky. Oh, and I helped the one locally get some of his memories back."
He looked at her. "That's mean to use that neuro bridge. It might not pull up everything. Go back to guarding the kids."
"I...."
He shot her with a knockout bullet, it contained a tiny bit of drug to knock her out. "No, you can't." Willow appeared, taking Dawn with her. "She goes back to the kids," he called.
"Of course," Willow called back.
Bucky walked off shaking his head. He could track the younger team. He had spent some time training with them. They were a good team. Mouthy, smartassed, but a good team. They could be better and he'd make sure of it soon enough.
Fury shuddered. "I do not want to know!" He went inside, glaring at that young, leather clad guy. "Who're you?"
"Xander."
"Is that like Cher, you only name one name?" he demanded.
"Depends on who you talk to," he said with a grin. "Xander Harris."
Fury nearly swallowed his cigar. "Oh, crap, you're one of the Council people."
"No, the Council ones are twins. I'm from the realm that merged." He grinned. "I'm young but I've got some unique skills." He waved a hand around. "Hormones can be a bitch for others, not just me. Our Fury knows about me though. I worked with a SHIELD agent to keep my ass unkidnaped many times." He walked off, tipping one guy's head up with his sword. "Who are you and who are you loyal to?" he asked the SHIELD agent.
"I can be loyal to you."
"If you're loyal to HYDRA, you'll never be loyal to me."
"I can change!"
"I need someone who can be protective without being a dick about it. Is that you?"
"I'll make sure no one ever touches you again."
"Uh-huh. That would seriously crimp my future as an author." The guy growled and lunged but Xander stabbed him. "Okay, so not you. Anyone in here want to be my willing boyfriend and saving guy?" A few groaned and one tried to crawl to him but didn't make it too far. "Pity. I really do need one," he complained as he walked off. He stared at the pouting armored body. "You.... Let's go talk, kiddo."
"You're not my Uncle Xander."
"No, I'm one with a hormone problem. C'mon, we'll go talk." He walked him off to talk to him, and his sister since she was logged into his gear. It was a good talk, a long talk, and by the time they were done their father was out of his armor and waiting. Xander grinned at Tony. "We talked about a lot of adult stuff. And waiting for battles. Battles suck." He looked at the kid, who nodded, looking down. "Go apologize and have a long talk with your dad, Chris. Even if you want to be a hero, there's good reasons and bad reasons to do that. Some day you may have a good reason but it's not while your dad can handle himself. Okay?" Chris nodded, trudging over to talk to his dad. Xander waved and walked off. Someone stopped him. "I don't know you but you look like fun."
"I'm in the employ of Mr. Reddington, sir. He'd like to make sure you get back to Chicago in one piece."
"Let me tell the twins. I was going to get sent back by an easier way." He texted them. The guy took his phone. "No, that's mine." The guy tried to knock him out so Xander knocked him out. "Hmm. Pity." He took his phone back to erase that message and send a picture one. He loaded the guy into the trunk and got in to drive. He knew basically where the demon enclaves were. Surely one had a portal making species he could bribe. He got sent an address and went there, smiling at the nice agent lady he had met before. "Hi, Agent Lizzie."
"Xander," she said. "What happened?"
"I showed up to help. This one guy tried to tell me Mr. Reddington wanted me safe. I was texting the twins to tell them that so he tried to snatch my phone. I dented him a lot and put him in the trunk. I was going to find the portal making demons to get back to Chicago."
"Let's see if we can find out who he is first." She walked over. "Pop the trunk for me please?" He did that and she stared. "You did dent him a whole lot. Okay, let's get him down to interrogation."
"Yes, ma'am." He closed up the car, pocketing the keys, and helped by lifting the guy out. The guy tried to get free so Xander stepped on his nuts. The guy gave up fast. Lizzie smiled at him. He grinned back. "I try so hard to be a good boy."
"I know you do, Xander. Just like ours do." She helped him get the kidnaper down into their interrogation room. Reddington was waiting. "Know him?"
"Unfortunately I do. He's not one of mine but a contact. He works in Europe for a few wealthy individuals who like to butt in and play with things best left alone."
"Is he related to that prince that kidnaped me then tried to sue me for damaging his castle when I got free with Clint's help?" Xander asked.
Reddington looked at him. "Could be." Xander hissed in his ear, getting a nod. "Yes he does work for him as well. Why did he want you that much?"
"Hormones," he said dryly. "He thought I'd make an excellent kitty cat to own."
"Oh, that reason. No, I doubt you'd be a cooperative hostage until Stockholm syndrome kicked in." He walked off. "I'll trace back who he was to get you for. Come rest, Xander."
"No thanks. I'm going to find the portal making demons so I can get back to Chicago. I miss my Frodo." He walked off. An agent tried to stop him so he kissed him. "Thanks, needed that after the battle earlier." The guy took a swing, that Xander ducked under. "Hmm. I must be losing my touch. I'll have to check on that." He got onto the elevator, which needed a pass. Lizzie nicely used hers so he could escape back to the house. An agent was waiting against the car but Xander got around him the simple way, getting in the other side and locking it before crawling over. The guy was trying to break the window. Xander honked and waved, driving off.
He had a flat tire but it wasn't his car so if it got destroyed that was okay by him. The portal making demons were relatively close by anyway. They were nice and took his dagger in payment to get him out of the area. He walked out the bar on the other side, shaking his head at the staring demons. "There were bad guys." They groaned. "Let me get back to my Frodo puppy. Have a great night and happy poker games, guys." He bounced off, getting a cab. The gang kids watching the bar stared at him but he just waved and grinned. "Hi!"
"You're not one of the twins."
"No, I'm the other Xander." He smiled. "I'm even more weird than they are." The gang kids nodded, calling in a cab driver they knew to get him a ride faster. Damned if the city needed *another* one of them, especially a weirder one.
***
The twins made it home and barely had an hour before they were woken up by someone pounding on the door. Alex walked out. "Jesus, people, can't we even sleep?" he demanded, glaring at the person on the other side. She was in front so obviously in charge. "Do we know your dumb asses?" He pushed back the one that tried to get in. "Um, no. I didn't invite you over, ma'am."
"I'm Agent Maria Hill with SHIELD."
"Yay," he said dryly. "That means you have a seventy percent chance of being one of the bad guys we just got home from fighting. So tell my tired ass why I give a *damn* who the hell you are?"
"I'm here to knock some sense into your other self, Mr. Harris. He interfered with a battle last night in a very...unique way."
"He hormoned 'em. Great. It works well from what we've seen. And? It's how he fights. You'd rather he had brought a robotic army?"
"No," she admitted. "We need to get a statement about what happened last night, in your battle and ours. We know he went off the grid last night. He evaded a few SHIELD agents I sent to get said statement."
"As far as I know he's napping on his little doggy friend and I doubt you're going to get to wake him up. Or my twin." He stared at her. "It's not even *close* to a decent hour if you work nights like we usually do. Come back then." He slammed the door, locked it, then trudged back to bed. Andrew grinned from the kitchen. "I don't care. They don't buy our weapons anyway." He pouted all the way to bed, letting his twin soothe him. Xander was indeed in there cuddling up to Frodo but cuddled him as well when he climbed between them. That was nice. He needed to find someone to do this for him after every battle.
***
"Why is there a dragon in Eureka!" a female yelled from up the street.
"Because I'm supposed to be here, ma'am. The army said so. I'm helping protect your town." He grinned at her. "Don't worry, we don't eat maidens or married ladies." He went back to nuzzling the dog he was playing with. Lojack really liked to play with him. And the kids. The dog had woke up the kids to play with him a few hours ago.
She huffed off to the sheriff. "Why is a dragon protecting us?"
He turned on the tv in the office, pointing at it. "The same goons that're trying to take over the US have already tried here. The dragon's part of a military unit that's helping protect us. Was he sunning himself?"
"Playing with Lojack," she complained.
"That doesn't really surprise me about Jensen." She glared. He stared back. "Is a dragon really that shocking?"
"YES!"
"He's a tech ops guy, ma'am. He's not going to eat anyone who doesn't annoy him, and then he'll probably only embarrass them somehow. He's a computer tech on a special operations team." She slumped. "He's a really nice guy most of the time. Just now and then he changes form."
"That's magic," she sneered.
"So is the pregnant lady guarding the Stark kids. Nathan's not real happy that she brought in a miniature closet full of weapons to help the kids protect themselves since he can't figure out how she did it."
She walked off to find Nathan and badger him about all this nonsense. Couldn't they have the regular army watching them like usual?
The sheriff shook his head, sending Dawn a text message in warning. She sent one back that it was fine and Jensen was heroically playing with that dog to let the kids sleep in. He laughed but sent back that was always a great thing. It was when his own daughter had been that age.
***
Calia finally figured out how to talk to Atlantis and their uncles up there. She scried, waving at the grumpy woman in the mirror. "Auntie Miko, it's us. Another daddy in another realm is merged with the one we're merged with because he created an artificial sentinel program to spare them some work. We're going to have to take down the internet I think."
Miko stared at her. "How are you doing this?"
"Magic," she said with a grin. "Did I hit the wrong realm? I was trying to get our Auntie Miko."
"I am your Aunt," she said patiently. "Let me get Rodney up."
"Okay. This isn't taking too much energy." She grinned. "I haven't used any magic in a few days."
"Good." She put in her communicator while loading up her toothbrush. "McKay to my room for a call for help," she announced. She hung up, brushing her teeth while shaking her head.
"Daddy created it to help them with the more minor things so they weren't always on the run. Well, that daddy. Ours is still fighting HYDRA." She shrugged a bit. "There's three versions of Dad here."
Miko spit while swearing. "Three?" she demanded.
"Ours, the one from this realm originally, and one from another realm that created that problem so they merged thanks to Gaia and their Loki."
Miko stared at her then shook his head. "Strange bedfellows come from emergencies."
"At least you guys aren't on Asgard any more."
Rodney stomped in. "What sort of emergency is going on? Calia?"
"We're going to have to bring down the entire internet and most things connected to it. Another version of dad was making an AI to help handle the lesser battles. We're fighting Hal's smarter twin. Who has daddy issues with Dad. Though, you can help Chris hide from Daddy yelling at him for daring to take a suit to go help in a battle while I ran his weapons."
"I will paddle you both for ruining your minds that way," he said bluntly. "Where are you?"
"Eureka." She grinned. "They're super geeks."
"Yes they are from what I've heard. I'll see if Sheppard can get us there."
"If not, Uncle Roque's here with his team."
"That's a good idea, can you call him?"
"Uncle Jensen, can Uncle Roque talk to Uncle Rodney?" she yelled, turning her head.
"Yeah, give him five, Calia."
"Five minutes." She grinned. "Thankfully scrying doesn't take much energy." Roque stomped in. "We'll need help to take down the entire internet and upload that virus. Plus a learning module so it can change as needed. Without it letting go on other things."
"Yes, they probably will," Rodney said. "We're a good galaxy away."
Roque nodded. "John?"
"Sleeping. He's the lucky one," Miko said. "We just had the drives go out for ten hours."
Roque nodded. "I'll get to John somehow and come get you two and Radek. I probably can't take many more."
"Take me and her. We're the best with computer things," Rodney said. "I'll be ready in ten minutes."
"Let me clean up a bit more," Miko said, waving.
"Sorry, Auntie Miko. I didn't mean to interrupt shower time," Calia said and signed off.
Roque patted her on the head. "That's not a bad idea." He walked off. "Jensen, they're going to have to do something drastic. I'm getting you three geeks help."
"Thanks," he said while he read online. "This Ultron guy is getting annoying. He's in my porn."
Roque sighed. "Not around the kids."
"They're outside." He grinned. "I'll go play later. When Dawn needs a nap." He got back to his browsing.
Roque reached for some shadows, searching for John. He could barely feel him and walked out into his room, getting a grunt. "Getting two of your geeks for the mega geek conference to solve an AI going rogue."
"Great," John muttered. "Want me to call them?"
"They'll be here in a minute." He considered it. "I wonder if I can take the pool," he muttered. He shrank it and took it with him, earning a smirk from John. "Not like you guys are using it."
"No thank you. I don't like tentacles and I don't need a pool with dicks attached." He flapped a hand. "Open," he called. Miko and Rodney walked in with their laptops.
Roque took them with him. The special pool went to the town's fun area. They'd have fun with the tentacles. He heard Dawn laughing, shooting her an evil grin. "They could use the stress relief."
"Yes they could," Jensen said, coming out to help them. "Ultron is in my porn, guys. And he's got daddy issues." They groaned, going to find the elder Starks with the two genius kids coming to help. They settled in to figure out how to do this without ruining the internet for good or giving the virus too much power. They didn't need to do this again when the virus went intelligent.
***
Sheriff Jack Carter heard the screams and ran out of the office, looking around. "What's happened?" he demanded when he saw a few people running.
"Tentacles!" she shouted. "I don't need dick looking tentacles to bother me!"
Jack nodded. "Let me get a bigger gun and I'll bring Jo." He called her in to come help him, and bring the bigger guns back since she had most of them to clean that night. She showed up where the tentacles were, staring at the mess of them. They were coming out of a pretty nice looking marble pool that hadn't been there before.
"That's sick," Jo said, walking over. The bigger weapon was over her shoulder. The tentacles looked like they had dicks on the ends of them and they were definitely trying to grab things to pull into the pool. That poor robotic cat had to flee very hard. "Can we get that one Xander with the hormones here?"
"I'm not sure if it'd like him or not," Jack said. "Someone call Nathan? If I look away it'll try to pull me in too." He stomped on a tentacle that was trying to grab his ankle but winced in dick sympathy.
"Yeah, I can do that." She took a picture. She sent it to Alison's phone. Alison came out to look, rubbing her eyes. "Weren't not sure which realm it came from. Think it'd like that one Xander with the hormone problem?"
"I'd hope not. That's...foul." She called Nathan. "Come emasculate this pool, Nathan, before Jo and I have to have too much fun doing it for you guys."
"You'd better. I'm feeling sympathy pain just looking at them," Jack said. He backed up, stomping on the nearest tentacle vine with a wince. "Somewhere there's an anime missing its creature."
"I'm not that generous. It has to be hentai," Jo said.
Alison Blake burst out laughing. "That'd be some kinky stuff. I don't know of anyone who'd want to watch that." She called her Botany people. "We have somehow gotten a marble pool with a peculiar tentacle plant in it. By the side entrance. Yes, that one. I'd send females. It's a bit...disturbing to men. Thank you." She hung up. Fargo was staring and whimpering. "Go inside, Fargo," she said gently. "Take Larry with you."
"He can fend for himself just like every other guy," Jack said. Nathan stomped out with all three elder Starks. One of the Tonys burst out laughing. "Your realm's?"
"Every decade each kid of a chaos god has to have an outburst that powers their father," he said. "Our Xander had his but he'd also had mexican food." He licked his lips. "Cupid had said that Atlantis needed some desperate stress relief so Xander made them a great pool with dicks to mount." The other two shook their heads with a groan. "The mexican food added to it by creating the tentacle monsters and one particularly bad bean fart created the dick tentacles. They had to get Valkyries down with Artemis to kill them for all the guys on Atlantis then all of Atlantis got *really* drunk."
"So how did it get to Eureka?" Jack asked.
All three Tonys shrugged. "Roque brought back Miko and Rodney to help us earlier. Maybe it tagged along," one said.
Nathan glared at him. "Is Roque the kid of a chaos god?"
"Fertility goddess and I think his father's a healer." They could all hear a high-pitched male laugh in the bushes, turning to find both Lokis giggling on each other.
"Take it with you," Nathan ordered. "We don't need that sort of stress relief in Eureka!"
A botantist came out to stare at the fountain. "I need to take cuttings to see if it can be used for something useful instead of something pretty."
"Don't let it catch you," Jo warned. "It pulls things into it to have fun."
"I don't need that sort of fun, Deputy Lupo. Thanks anyway." She took cuttings. "There, all yours." Both Lokis grabbed the pool, taking most of it with them. A few tentacles got left behind for the botanist to pick up and figure out. "Any idea where they originate from?" the botanist asked.
"A god who had mexican food," one of the Tonys said.
"That explains a lot." She took them down to the botany section. The men in there did flinch away from them. The others came in to help her. The chemists were fascinated. The vines even leaked white fluid from the cut parts.
Alison looked at Jo, who shook her head, then Jack, who was groaning. "Go get drunk, guys. You deserve a night off and we do have those three teams here." Jo walked off cuddling her gun. Jack wandered off as well; maybe his daughter could sleep over at a friend's house so he could get way too drunk to remember he had seen that.
Nathan looked at her. "Me too. I'll see you three in the morning." He walked off rubbing his forehead. "I'm so glad we don't have Gods on our realm naturally."
Alison followed him grinning at his back. It was cute when Nathan got flustered by something.
The three Starks went back to their work. "Someone brought your special pool," one told Rodney.
Rodney shuddered. "Better than us having it."
"Loki took it," another said as he sat down.
"I'm sure Asgard will have fun with it," Miko said dryly. "More power to them. Maybe it'll make them all happier people."
Rodney nodded. "It might help."
***
Young GHS Xander looked up. "How would I know what to do with a tentacle fountain?" he muttered. "All I'd do is give it to SHIELD. They could use the stress relief."
The twins and Ray Vecchio all stared at him. "What?" Ray demanded. Xander sat up to tell them about the tentacle pool. It had been a thing he had heard about at the convention. Ray stared at him then at the twins. "Are you two that warped?" They shook their heads but Alex was giggling.
"At least Loki will make sure parts of Asgard are happier. Though I'm not sure which one it went to." His twin burst out laughing too. "I can't see SHIELD dealing with it."
"I can but I doubt they'd feed the poor vines enough," younger Xander said. "Andrew, how would we make a pool like the tentacle pool?" he called. Andrew was in the bathroom.
Andrew came out looking up footage of that. Eureka's camera backups had pictures of it before it got stolen. "We can make robotic vines."
"Fury would *kill* us all if we gifted him with one," Alex said, hugging his younger self then Andrew. "He really would."
"Natasha might like to have it there for special training times," younger Xander said, typing out a text message to his Clint and Natasha to ask them if they wanted them to work on one for SHIELD. He was great with plants. Even Gaia had said so.
***
In DC, Clint and Natasha both looked at the phones beeping. "It's yours," Clint called to the other him, who was talking with Kate. He was Dawn's, he had already heard about the pool appearing in Eureka, and so had Natasha by the way she was trying not to laugh.
Clint grabbed his by leaning backwards then sitting back up to read the message. "What's a tentacle pool?"
Clint shook his head. "It's a pool that has marble dicks to mount for stress relief but thanks to Xander having mexican food farts it has dick tentacles that come out to help you into it." He stuffed his mouth, looking at his Natasha. "It wasn't even the mini Starks' fault."
She nodded. "Thankfully. That way our son isn't warped."
"Our son thinks that having a penis makes him more mean than girls," Clint said dryly. "Though I am glad we finally got through to him about showing his penis off with his big boy panties strut." Natasha and Kate both burst out laughing. The others stared so he pulled up a video Calia had taken and sent to him. He let them see it.
The other two Clints burst out giggling too. "He was amusing during those days, even if he did want to crossdress a bit," Natasha said, smiling at the video. "Thank you for reminding him he doesn't need to flash said little penis."
"Welcome."
"Welcome," GHS Xander's Clint said. "We had a talk about penises with his Uncle Tony too."
Dawn's Clint grinned at the others. "Philip used to hate clothes unless Nat dressed him. He ran around naked more than once, usually while meowing and trying to use the litterbox."
"He is adorable," Kate agreed, smiling at the Clints. "At least you had a good boy, most of the time. Though he has been telling the girls about dicks. Mommy Dawn had to stop that."
"Good!" Natasha agreed. "They don't need to know about dicks until they're much older."
"Thirty?" Clint asked.
"Or older," Natasha agreed. "Or else we might end up grandparents." She shuddered. He groaned, shaking his head.
***
Calia heard the boys talking about their dicks again and sighed. "It's all about dicks with you two. You should have other topics of conversation. Or try having a vagina for a bit."
"What's a vagina?" Chris asked.
"Girl parts instead of boy parts," Liz said.
"Ewww, girl parts," Chris complained. "That's nasty."
Calia looked at him. "We feel the same way about boy parts so quit talking about them before I cut yours off to give you girl parts. There's surgeries for that."
"I saw one online," Liz quipped with a grin for the two boys. They ran out to find safety with the mommy/auntie. The girls high-fived and got back to their things.
Dawn walked into the room. "Quit picking on the boys."
"They were talking about their dicks again," Calia complained.
"I'll talk to them," Dawn said. "Don't threaten to castrate them again, ladies." She walked out to talk to the boys. "Penises are not public discussion topics, boys," she said firmly. "Not around any girls unless you're old enough to be dating and sleeping with them." They shuddered, shrinking down. "I don't want to hear a single word about your dicks for the rest of this trip. Got it?" They nodded. "Good!"
"Make them not talk about girl things," Chris complained. "Calia was talking about icky girl conditions that women get."
"Yeah, she was warning her sister she'd have one some day," Dawn said dryly. "That's a medical subject that should be covered in private. Just like you two talking about your dicks are."
"Yes, Auntie."
"Yes, Mommy."
"Thank you!" She went to change the younger three.
Philip followed her, pointing. "Is that the vagina thingy that Calia said she was going to cut my penis into?"
"Quit staring at your sister but yes." She patted him on the head. "Write your father an email to ask him to talk to you about that stuff or go ask Uncle Tony."
"Can we ask Uncle Bucky?"
"If you want and he'll answer." He ran off to get Chris's tablet to write their favorite playing uncle. He'd answer questions without getting huffy like Dawn would.
***
Bucky looked at his phone. He scowled at the other heros across the room. "Barton, why did your son just write me an email asking what good was a vagina?"
"I don't know," he said. "Was that the subject line or the whole thing?" Bucky got into the email, making Steve laugh since he read over his shoulder. Bucky tossed it at Clint, who read it and groaned but answered it back. He sent Calia a mean email at the same time. "That's nearly as bad as Calia panicking when she realized Philip's not circumcised but Chris was so she thought he was deformed."
Bucky considered it. "She helped change diapers?"
"Yeah. Back then she was an aunt-following helper. She helped Dawn and Tara change diapers."
Bucky nodded then burst out giggling. "I can't see that talk."
"That was when she got grounded for six months for looking it up online," Steve said. "We might not have figured out she went online to look up stuff we told her she didn't need to know but she came down to complain about some of the pictures she saw. Including the pierced ones. She went on a long 'eeww' rant. You were found during that. That's when she had to do her homework by hand for six months."
"I remember that melt down." Bucky shook his head. "How are you going to handle the girls having their first periods?"
"Crying," Steve said bluntly. He walked off. "They're too young for that."
"Calia's had boobs now for just about a year," Clint said. "It'll happen soon." Natasha nodded. "Already?"
"She's showing some hormone swings so within six months probably. I'm already dreading having that talk with the girls. Lexi will probably freak out since she hates blood."
"Only when we get hurt," Clint corrected. "If it's hers she shrugs it off. If it's Mira's she'll lick it for her. Dawn had to stop that last time."
Natasha nodded. "I blocked out that memory." She walked off shaking her head.
"Just think, at least two more girls of the new three on the way," Bucky quipped.
"Shut up," she ordered in Russian, glaring back at him. "Do not remind me."
"Hey, we could be in lamaze classes again," Clint quipped.
"No," she ordered. "I don't think we need that." She huffed. "Is Dawn having them the usual way?"
"With an emergency during the labor and a lot of shared pain?" Bucky quipped.
"Probably," Clint agreed, mouthing that. "We're probably going to suffer right along with her."
Natasha sighed but nodded. "Yes, we probably will. Would anyone like to help Dawn through labor this time?" Everyone else shook their heads, including Clint. "Pity. I really should find those goddesses that got her pregnant this time to have a talk with them."
"Since Loki took that pool with him, maybe they'll get relaxed after using it," Clint quipped, smirking at her. She smirked back.
"Don't give him ideas," Phil Coulson's voice called without him appearing. "Please don't give him ideas. It's bad enough it pulled in Odin." The heros burst out laughing at that mental image.
***
Dawn looked up, finishing her nail filing. She looked at the girls, who were happily cooing in their playpen prison. Maeve had started to crawl that morning. It was better if the kids couldn't wander. The older kids were working on school lessons. She had put her foot down about that since the older Starks were working with Rodney and Miko on the virus. They didn't need the kids and the kids needed educations. That worked well because Chris and Philip had woken up cranky this morning for some reason. It had to be a 'boy' thing.
Philip was presently resting his head on her lap getting kicked by the triplets while he read a little kid book. He liked it so she let him do it. Chris was leaning against her chair, his head against her thigh. That worked for him and he was doing math class lessons so that was fine. Calia was out of her chair on the grass studying. It was nice Liz was leaving her alone because she was reading something Dawn had given her. It'd work most of the way until lunch hopefully. By then the fathers should take over or they could go to the café for lunch. The kids all liked Vincent a lot. And Fargo. He was a nice guy.
Around lunch, Larry unfortunately showed up with a picnic basket for them. "Thank you," Calia said with a smile.
"You're welcome. Do you guys need into the library for study time? Or the school?"
Calia smiled. "I'm doing college work through Cal Sci sending my mandatories to my high school. But thank you. I'll let you know if Chris needs some research stuff."
"I hate math," he complained with a pout.
Dawn ran her hand over his head. "Math is important. You use math a lot even if you hate working on it. All that stuff you did with the engines required math but you didn't realize you were doing math." He grinned up at her. "Finish up that section and you move to trig."
"I know," he complained. He looked at Larry. "How many maths did you have to take?"
"I took through Calculus in college."
"I took that last year," Calia complained. "I hated Calc two. I dropped it this year and I'll pick it up next year when I have art classes to do. It'll give me a break."
"We like art," Liz said impatiently, glaring at her sister.
"You like art," Calia corrected. "I like some art but not a lot of art. It's there to be pretty but not real useful."
"It's also known to make you stop to think about things," Dawn prompted. "It's like your mandatory humanities classes, dear. It's a people thing instead of a machine thing."
"That'd be okay I guess." She shrugged, taking the basket to push toward her sister. "Your turn to set out lunch."
"I can do that," Philip said, coming over to help.
"You're a great help today, Philip. Thank you," Dawn said, smiling at her son.
"Do I have to take math?"
"Some year you'll have to take some but unless you're going into a science field like Chris and Calia you won't have to do a lot of it."
"Good. Numbers suck." He pulled things out, handing them to everyone. He put the three babies' meals next to Dawn for later and settled in to share his with Chris so they could both eat the other's stuff too.
Dawn smiled. "Thank you, Larry."
"You're welcome. Are you in science?"
"I'm a linguist with a special gift for business stuff. Accounting is like my zen." She grinned. "Languages do bring the world together."
"It does I guess," he agreed. "What're their fields?"
"I'm a great mechanical engineer," Calia said, smirking at him. "I'm working on a new design but no idea if it'll go yet or not. Chris, what're you working on?"
He looked up and chewed before answering. "My music player's inefficient. I'm fixing it."
"You can go Apple," Larry said.
"Nah, they're pretentious," Chris said with a grimace. "Most people own Apple stuff just to say they own the overpriced Apple stuff. Our Stark phone is *hugely* better and we need a music player too. Dad didn't agree but he likes music too. His suit even has playlists." Calia nodded.
Larry stared at him. "Do you think it'll be financially reasonable to make your own?"
"Our phone's at least a hundred less than Apple's," Calia said, holding hers up to show him. "It's got a lot more memory and better sound quality. Plus it's unlocked so you can bring it from carrier to carrier when you want." She grinned. "I helped Dad design the needed features. You can download from all platforms and it'll still run most of them properly."
"We have laptops too," Chris said with a pat of his. "And tablets." Calia pointed at hers. "They're very reasonably priced."
"I didn't think anyone could do that."
"Most of the time people like our stuff," Dawn said with a grin for him. "It's reasonable, it works well, and it's not real exclusivist like Apple stuff can be. It'll work with all the major operating systems."
"Wow. I'll have to let Dr. Stark know so he can look into doing that on our realm." He walked off. "Have a good afternoon."
"You too, Larry," Calia said. She looked at her aunt, who shrugged back. "Vincent's really nice. We need to see if he's around in our world."
"We should," Dawn agreed. "He'd do wonderfully in our caf instead if he's not in Eureka."
The kids nodded, getting back to eating. The babies woke up with a squeal so Dawn got them their lunches to gum on. They were happy enough since Philip and Chris were making faces at them.
***
Alison Blake walked up to the happy group of kids later that afternoon, sitting down with some assistance from Chris. "That's very polite of you, Chris. Thank you," she said, smiling at him.
"Mommy Pepper wants me to have manners like Stepmommy Steve." He sat down again. "Besides, you're pregnant too and pregnant ladies have problems sitting and standing." He shrugged. "Auntie Dawn does. She's in the bathroom right now."
"I can wait. I heard from Larry that your father puts out his own line of computers?" Calia handed hers over, getting back to something on her tablet. She got into the control panel to find the specifications, nodding at it. "That's really nice. I'd like this for my next one."
"We has phones too," Philip said with a happy grin, holding up his mom's. He had been texting his favorite mommy about being careful while she helped his father play with the bad guys.
She handed back the laptop and took the phone to look over, nodding. "That is really nice." Dawn came out wiping off her hands. "You all right?"
"I've got two months left," she said dryly, settling in again with a sigh. "There's three of them."
"I remember when I carried Kevin," she said, handing the phone back. "Larry bragged about your electronics line."
"Tony went to it after he quit designing weapons."
"That makes a lot of sense. It looks really nice and helpful." Dawn smiled. "Are you okay?"
"I'm good. Tired, but good. I wouldn't impose on the two older Starks to babysit the tots. Maeve just started to crawl this morning."
"Awww. That's a special time." She smiled at the girls, who were drooling on a magazine. "They're fashionable?"
"They're very fashionable," Dawn agreed.
"Mira has to be a tough girl but Lexi has to match," Philip told her with a grin. "They knew even before they could see colors! They fussed and fussed when they weren't in the right outfits. Mira has to have tough girl lace all the time if she's pretty."
"That's really talented," Alison said, smiling at him. "Do you like clothes?"
"I miss my kilt and my ruffley shirts. And my velvet jacket. My school has one and it's pretty." He got into Dawn's phone to show her a picture. "That's my school's uniform. I wanted to go with Chris but he's taking special Stark lessons." Chris nodded.
Dawn smiled. "When you're older you can take those sort of lessons if you want to go into science, Philip."
"I know," he sighed, shaking his head but grinning at Alison. "School's so boring even if the clothes are pretty."
"It can be," Alison agreed, smiling at him then at Dawn.
"We had the worst time getting him into a school when we were in New York. I was considered the help and all that." She grinned. "I showed my ass and it worked then we moved back to Malibu most of the time." Alison laughed but nodded she understood that.
"Can we see the horsies when we go back?" Philip asked. "I haven't seen ponies in a while, Mommy."
"We might be able to. We'll have to see what we've got planned." He nodded, hugging her stomach then getting back to his own workbooks. "We own a horse farm in New Zealand," Dawn said quietly. "He loves horses."
"Horses are sweet animals."
"But you can't keep them in the house like we do with Loki cat and Tzarina," Philip said without looking up. "They'd get the whole house messy because ponies don't use the litter box."
Chris nodded. "They don't. Auntie Dawn, can you teach me how to ride?"
"You can come with us to learn," she said. "Or you can take lessons in Malibu."
"Can Sissy do that?" he asked, staring at her.
"There's a lot of programs that work with kids or adults with major injuries like her back. I've looked into a few but she said she wants more time in physical therapy first."
He sighed but nodded. "I can understand that. When do I get to learn how to drive?"
"When you're old enough to see over the steering wheel and reach the pedals at the same time," Calia said. "The same as I am."
"You can drive like that?" Philip asked. "You can't use pedals."
"They make hand pedals," Alison said, grinning at the plucky young lady. "They're put around the steering wheel like they do on race cars."
"Ooooh," the boys said, looking at each other.
"I need to look into those, make sure they work with our engines," Chris said. "Even the flying one maybe." Calia leaned over to hug him. "Thanks, Sissy. But no mushy stuff." He got back to his tablet, looking up how that worked. Philip leaned over to give him ideas. "You're a good muse, Philip."
"Thank you!" He grinned. Philip grinned back. "We should have candy."
"The candy stash you guys ordered off amazon is hidden in the compound," Dawn said. Alison was giggling, shaking her head. "That and Red Bull. Though his first time he ordered all sorts of boy skirts to go with his kilt. Which was my son's fault. Calia's brother showed him kilts one weekend."
"Awww," Alison said, smiling at them. "Did they wear them properly?"
"Even to daycare," Dawn said with a nod and a grin. "The daycare worker realized it when a friend's kids started yelling about the bare butt she could see," pointing at Chris. She rolled her eyes.
"It was fun and we were proper," Philip said, staring at her. "We had tattoos too."
"You did have kid tattoos. Your Mommy Natasha wasn't sure she liked those designs. You'll have to pick better ones next time."
"Mommy Pepper said if they did it again she was going to lose her shit," Calia said.
"Don't swear in front of the babies," Philip said, scowling at her. "They might swear and not be a good girl. They could turn into Liz." Liz cracked up, hugging him. "I want sissies to be good girls."
"They will be," Alison promised, smiling at them. "Even if they don't go into the same sort of fields of study the others go into, they will be."
Philip looked at her, shaking his head. "Liz is a mean girl. She tried to operate on Calia once."
"I like surgery shows," Liz complained.
"Hey, we can help you get through medical school so you can do it for real," Dawn said, grinning at her.
"I'm still thinking. That's a lot of work."
"I did that and did a science degree too," Alison said. Liz's eyes went wide. She grinned at her. "I'm a biological engineer but I have both degrees."
"Lots and lots of math," Chris said, shuddering. "No thank you. Insides are nasty and so are newborn babies. I'd hate to have to deliver babies forever and ever."
"Not all doctors deliver babies. I've only delivered three and I don't think Nathan has ever delivered one. He didn't even want to be there when I had Kevin."
"Kevin can come play if he wants," Dawn said. "We don't mind."
"Kevin's got autism," Alison said.
"That's fine. The kids can be gentle. Three of the kids in the Malibu facility's daycare are on the spectrum and they know how to play with them sometimes." Alison smiled, sniffling a bit. "My kids will never be the ivory tower type and I won't let Calia be one either. Chris and Philip are warping each other so they're more extraordinary but mostly normal."
"Is her son like Missy, who has Aspergers?" Philip asked.
"He's autistic," Alison said, "but he's got a more severe form, Philip. He might like to come play or pet Jensen if you guys are going to pounce him again."
"Uncle Jensen will be over tonight after he catches a nap," Calia said with a grin for her. "They're taking geek turns on the plot."
"That makes sense," Alison agreed. "Are the three Tonys?"
"No," Dawn said, shaking her head slightly with a small sigh. "Tony's the sort to lock himself in his lab for months on end if we don't go interrupt him to eat and shower."
"Or sleep," Calia said. She yawned. "Sorry."
"Just think, the hormones will soon giving you many days of needing to sleep in," Dawn quipped with a smirk for her niece.
"Yay," Calia said flatly. One of the kids threw something at her. "Hey!" She threw it back with a scowl. "Don't throw things at me. That's mean. I'll quit buying you three clothes magazines."
"Do you wear special clothes to ride ponies?" Chris asked.
"Not when you first start but if you go up to competing I think you do," Dawn said.
"Cool." He nodded, getting back to work. He yawned. Calia yawned but hit him on the arm. "Hey! Mean bitch!" She hit him on the arm again. "Auntie!"
"Calia, quit hitting your brother before I beat you both."
"Yes, Auntie," they said together.
"Take a nap," Philip said, wiggling over to hug Calia. "I'll help. I'm good at helping with naps." He grinned. Calia cuddled him. When she was nearly asleep he pulled his buddy over to help him nap too. Chris clearly needed a nap. He soon drifted off on top of his tablet. Philip carefully moved it. "Not drool on that. It'll ruin it." He moved, looking at the girls. "Go to sleep or I'll sing." They fussed but laid down when he encouraged it, taking a nap on each other. He grinned evilly at his mother. "This means I get Unclie Jensen first." He grabbed her phone to text message him.
Dawn looked at Alison, smiling some. "I do have some great kids."
"They certainly are," she agreed, smiling at the young boy. He was so cute. "Where's the other one?"
"Staring at the statue in the park," Philip said. "She snuck off." He looked at her. "She likes art stuff."
"Art can be pretty," Alison agreed. Jensen walked into the yard carrying Liz and yawning. "Did they wake you?"
"Slightly but I was about to get up anyway." He put Liz down and changed to his smaller form. Philip cooed, cuddling him. "I'll get bigger if we can clear some room." The ladies got moved and moved the playpen too. Jensen got bigger, letting the two awake kids pet him and check his scales. Liz loved to help him oil himself. Philip thought his wings were cool. It worked well to keep them occupied for a while.
Alison and Dawn shared a smile. Alison got Kevin over to pet Jensen too. He squealed at the actual dragon, who only nuzzled him. Philip and Liz showed him how to pet Jensen and it was better for him today.
***
Stark got a bad note from Pepper and Bruce. HYDRA had tried at their hiding place, which was another Stark Industries compound. They were nearly out of time before they got unmerged. He looked at Clay, theirs since he had a huge bruise on his shoulder from Roque's teeth. He showed him.
"It's possible that we'll end up with some in our realm if they're in our versions of the buildings," he said. "Roque said it was a potential problem last night."
"Are they coming this way?"
"We know Ultron's not fond of them," another Stark said. He looked up. "We know he tested the AI of Zola but didn't like his ideology. They're not exactly fighting against each other but Ultron seems to want to let them do some of his dirty work for him."
"Can we put them against each other?" Nathan Stark asked.
"No," Clay and the three Starks said. "It's too smart to fall for that. You guys have the thing ready."
"We've sent it, it's weeding out little pockets of it. Each of us has a copy of the program so we can upload it in case some of that evil AI comes home with us," another Stark said.
Daddy Tony nodded. "I certainly don't want it near my suits or the kids. It might warp my kids."
"Your kids are little hellions," Clay joked, grinning at him. "Philip's not much better. Did you know he and Chris bit someone on the ass earlier for nearly sitting on them?"
"It doesn't really surprise me. What did Dawn do?"
"Dawn didn't do a thing. She was in the bathroom. Liz chewed them a new one."
Tony grinned. "We love Liz being mouthy. She really is a mini-Dawn."
"Yes she is," Clay agreed. He felt tiny arms go around him and grinned. "Hey, Philip."
"Philip is a good boy."
"Usually, yes you are," Tony said, looking back at him. "Are you sneaking?"
"No, Mommy sent me to come get a babysitter. Babies are kicking her butt and if they don't stop she'll have to lay down before they come out her lungs." He grinned. "You know the trio of terror won't listen to anyone but Mommy and Auntie Pepper, and sometimes Uncle Bucky."
Tony nodded. "Yes, I've seen them do that. We can come work on this with you guys so Calia and Chris can help."
Philip smiled. "Chris is fussing over Mommy. Someone has to since Daddy isn't here." He bounced some. "But it is lunch so you could come eat with us. Before I bite another butthole for nearly shoving my head up it by sitting on me."
Tony swatted him. "Do not talk like that around others."
"Sorry. She did though!"
"Uh-huh." He stared at him. Philip pouted but shrugged, looking down. "Sure, we'll come eat and check on Dawn. Can you guys be good this afternoon?"
"We have school stuff to do. All but Lizzy, who did all hers, and the trio of terror. They need dollies or something so Nifa can go back to that Daddy Clint."
"We'll see what we can work up once we get home," Tony said, gathering up stuff, looking at the others. They nodded they'd follow in a few minutes. "C'mon, let's go check on Dawn and her babies."
"Will we have to go to Asgard like we did with me?" he asked as they walked off. "My mommy said that we had to because I wanted to come out too soon." He grinned up at his Uncle Tony. "That'd be cool. We could wear leather and velvet again. Chris would like that too. Ooooh! And we talked about horsie lessons?" He bounced around him, grinning up at him. "He wanted to take horsie lessons and I'm already learning whenever we go to visit the horsies."
"There are places to take riding lessons in Malibu, yes," he said with a smile for his nephew. "We can find a good one for you and Chris to learn from, and Calia if she wants to."
"She wants out of chair first."
"That's reasonable." He patted him on the head, stopping him from running across the street. "Look both ways twice." Philip did that then ran across while Tony walked. They went back to the house they were borrowing, him going in to check on Dawn. She was curled up on her side on the bed with Alison Blake feeling her stomach. "We good or is this a 'we need to hit Asgard to speed up time' thing? Philip wanted to know."
"You can?" Alison asked.
"Asgard time runs two weeks to our day in our realm," Dawn said. "We did that with Philip. Without the baby being connected to my time method it can age faster. Somehow. Phil managed it for me with Xander's help."
"He asked," Tony quipped. "We good?"
"We're fine. She needs some rest. She'll be fine by tonight. The kids just got a bit energetic in there." She smiled at Dawn. "You seem fine." Dawn grinned back.
"We can watch the heathens," Calia said from the doorway. "Not like I haven't changed diapers since I was Liz's age."
Tony nodded. "You did a lot of that. Have you checked on Tara and the twins?"
"At the temple."
"Good." He looked at Dawn. "We'll take over for a bit. I'm a champion diaper changer, even of the girls." He walked out, letting Calia follow. "Guys, I'm here to help watch you guys." The girls pounced him as soon as he sat down, knocking him over to crawl over him. "Gee, thanks." They giggled.
Chris shook his head. "They miss the play room Uncle Bucky set up to exercise on. They've been sneaking in to play on it."
"We'll see if we can set up a kid version," Tony said. "You could all use some exercise now and then." He settled on the grass to play with them. When Fargo brought them lunch he grinned. "Didn't want to torment the town with the kids?"
"The kids are great but a few of the residents are scared to death that children are contagious and some think they're evil." He smiled. "It's best not to let the kids prove them right or wrong, depending on the day. Dr. Blake's already pointed out the kids were better behaved than most of them. Plus this way they can't beg anyone for candy." He handed over the basket. The boys took it to lay out lunch. "Good job, guys." They grinned at him. "Also, someone wanted to know if Kevin could come play again?"
"I don't mind," Tony said with a slight shrug. "Is he a good kid?"
"He is, he's got special head stuff like Missy," Philip told him.
"He's autistic," Fargo said.
"That's probably how we explained autism to you guys," Tony said then nodded. "That's fine, Fargo. The kids know to play gently with other kids."
"Thanks. Dr. Blake said he had a ball petting Jensen the other day."
"Jensen's on patrol."
"It happens," Fargo said. "He could use more outside time too." He left, going to tell Kevin's therapist that it was fine if he went to play but not to expect Jensen to be there. She agreed it'd be fine and got him ready to go play with the other kids.
Tony looked at the kids. "We know to behave, right? We're guests." They all nodded, Philip handing him some food. "You do that nearly as well as your mommy does," he teased with a smirk.
"Of course. Both my mommies are very good at feeding people." He settled in to eat and hum while wiggling. When Kevin got there, he got handed an apple to eat while they finished lunch. Then they ran around being kids on the lawn. Tony eventually took them back to the park to run around. More area for the squealing to be quieted by. Plus Dawn needed a rest.
***
In DC, Clint was wincing, holding his stomach. "I hate false labor pains."
Kate Bishop looked at him oddly. "Can she...share?"
"You know we're bound, Kate."
"Point. But she is sharing?"
"*Way* too much," Natasha said. "Labor hurts a lot. False labor is just as annoying." She looked at Clint. "I'll allow her to break your hands while I coach this time."
Clint glared at her. "Gee, thanks. I need my hands, Natasha. She can break one of each of ours."
Natasha nodded. "I suppose that's fair since there's three." Clint smirked at her. "I was not the one that got her pregnant."
"Neither was I," he shot back. Kate and the ones listening choked. "A few Asgardian Goddesses wanted Dawn to carry them." The other Clints with them groaned.
"With the way our minds got stuck together that once, she does share grandly," Natasha complained, shifting in her seat. "Is that a real labor pain?"
"I hope not. Her doc's in New York," Clint said, looking at her. They called Dawn, who shut them out to pay attention while controlling her pain. "Maybe though."
One of the other Natashas cleared her throat. "How did your minds get stuck together?" That Natasha told them all in Russian. She shuddered. "Understood. What is labor like?"
"A lot of pain with a sudden feeling of a stuck shit sliding out," Clint complained. "That was the closest my mind could process it." She laughed at him, shaking her head. "If I had the skills to mimic this...."
Godly Xander showed up, laying a hand on Natasha's head then on the other one's head. Then the third one's head. He got all three Clints too. Then he grinned. "Yup, she's going to stop labor soon though. Roque's mom went to help her stop the labor for a few more weeks until we get home." He disappeared. "If they take off the necklaces for a full day it'll break that link."
"Thanks," Dawn's Clint said. He looked at the other two. Who both shook their heads. "Yeah."
All three Natashas were concentrating but Dawn's labor pains eventually ended. "Oh, my," one said quietly, looking at the other two.
"Labor lasts longer," Clint quipped. "Like hours longer."
They all nodded, settling in to get ready for the next battle. It was an interesting experience that they wouldn't have gotten to have before.
"Hey, Nat, share the books," Clint said. "That way they know to go looking."
She rolled her eyes, but handed over her e-reader. They liked books and it was a good way to kill time. Even if they did giggle over Philip's email that they were in the park to protect Dawn from the squealing the trio of terror were doing to encourage the new ones to come out.
***
Philip was up that night, wandering like usual. He was watching the people outside. The Uncle Bucky with them was having a headache on the couch. Dawn was in bed and not really able to handle things. Chris had medicine for his sinuses that a bush had made be mean to him earlier. So it was him and possibly Calia among the big kids. Unless he thought really hard at his cousins. But they were on Asgard so they might be okay up there. No bad guys up there. Philip snuck back to Calia's room, waking her. "Guys on the lawn," he hissed in her ear. She nodded, getting up and transferring into her chair. She pulled out weapons. Philip grabbed his daddy's backup bow. He knew how to use it. He may be almost six but he knew how to use one. His mommy and daddy had made sure. He pulled out his mommy's gun too. They snuck forward, Calia pushing him behind her. That was fine. She was bigger.
Calia rolled out onto the front porch, staring at them. "Guys, we can see you. You're kinda pathetic." One came out sneering. She shot him. "Don't expect any Stark to be nice. And remember, I'm a Summers woman too." She shot the others she saw, nodding at the one who groaned as he stumbled forward. "Back up, Sparky." Philip got him with an arrow in the neck. "Nice shot, Philip."
Dawn came out, hair down and flowing behind her. "I'll be fucking damned," she ground out. And suddenly there was light and noise and screaming and begging from the bad guys. She stared at them like they were the pitiful pissants they were. "I'm a force of creation, kids. You don't touch what's mine to protect. If you thought Asgardians were bad, I outdo the *whole* realm. Plus I'm a cranky pregnant woman." One shot at her stomach but Philip hit him with an arrow and Dawn had it shielded. "Calia, take my soon-to-be-yelled-at son inside please. You don't need to witness this." She felt her niece shudder but moved them inside. That other Bucky came out still holding his head. She looked at him, touching a hand to his head. He shuddered, fell down screaming, but all his blocks were gone. "Sorry, Bucky."
He blinked up at her. "Damn you."
"Yup. All me, baby." The sheriff came running. "Hold it." He froze. "They're very sorry." She put her hands down, putting them on her hips. "Aren't we?" One tried to raise a gun so she shot him, killing him. "No, you're not worthy." She walked over him. "I had to zap Bucky's memories fully open. He's probably got the biggest of all headaches. I need to yell at my son for firing on them with his father's bow. And Calia for not waking me."
"I can clean this up. I need you to sit and calm down, Dawn," the sheriff ordered. "Please?" She nodded, going to sit on the porch chair. Jo came running. "Dawn had to protect the kids. I got told it was like there was a sun here."
"No radiation," Dawn quipped. "Just some eating light."
"Sure," he agreed. "Let us clean up their mess, Dawn. I'll get Clay over to watch the kids while you rest."
She smiled. "I'm fine, Sheriff Carter, but thank you."
"You're welcome." He called that in, getting them help. Ambulances showed up to take the dead and dying away before any of the other kids could see it. By then, Clay and Roque were there growling. Jack put a hand on Roque's arm. "The kids didn't wake her first," he said quietly. "Philip apparently had his father's bow according to Dawn."
"I'll go beat his ass myself," Roque promised, stomping up the front porch's few stairs. "You yell at him yet?"
"I'm going to let Clint talk to him." She looked up at him. "I don't know how to talk to him about this without making him panic or hate himself."
"Good idea," Clay said. "We'll get Clint out here. You tell him yet?"
"Um, no, I don't want to tell Natasha that her first born and favorite child just shot two people with his father's bow." She winced, holding her stomach. "By the way, your mom said to come for tea soon, Roque. She helped stop my early labor."
"I can do that. I like my mother." He helped clean up the mess and got their team around the kids for now. The others were showing that they were sleep spelled by his mother so that was a great idea. Why it hadn't worked on Philip they had no idea. Roque pointed at Philip, giving Dawn a look. "It didn't work from protections?"
"Philip's never slept more than three or four hours at a time," she said quietly.
"That's a good reason." He went in to take the weapons from the two big kids, staring at them. "Like hell that'll be needed again," he told them.
Philip smiled, hugging him. "Thank you. Didn't want Mommy to be hurt."
"Sweetheart, it's a mommy's job to protect you," Dawn said patiently. "Just like when we're kidnaped. It's my job, not yours or Calia's." He pouted. "Call your dad and other mom. Talk to them about it." She looked at her niece. "You need a hug?"
"No, I need sense like I did when I paralyzed that one clone by shooting him in the back," she said. "I went back into Summers woman mode."
Dawn nodded. "Yup. You should've woken me so I'm going to beat you to death later."
Calia shrugged. "You're sicker than I am. Roque's mom said to keep your pregnant ass in bed." She rolled off. "Speaking of, I'm going to puke and then go back to bed. We can yell at me after some nightmares."
Clay followed to talk to her. Before Tony got her to yell at. Geniuses had no sense; this genius proved it.
***
Clint woke up to his phone, which he hated. "What?" he grunted. He sat up, listening. "You did what, Philip?" Natasha flinched awake at the tone of his voice. "We'll talk about that when I get back. I want you to go hug your mother, go back to your bed, and we'll talk in the morning when I get there." He hung up, looking at Natasha. "He was wandering, saw bad guys, got Calia up, and hit two of them with my bow because they didn't wake up Dawn. Calia got a few too."
Natasha winced. "Our son did what?"
"Our son turned into his Mommy Dawn," he said dryly, staring at her. "We need to talk to him in the morning."
"Yes, we do," she agreed. "And spank him." She got up to pull back on her battle uniform. "The flight will give us time to figure out what to tell him before we spank him."
"Yeah, that's a great idea. Let me tell the others."
"We heard," Bucky called. "Have fun with that. I'll reinforce it when we get back home."
"Thank you," Clint called. He and Natasha dressed then *borrowed* a quin jet from SHIELD to make it to Oregon in time for breakfast.
Bucky looked at his Steve, who was shaking his head. "Calia?"
"We've had that talk with her a few times," he admitted quietly. "We'll call her in a few hours, when she's up with nightmares, to talk to her if Tony hasn't." Bucky nodded, laying back down on his bunk. Steve laid there and mentally ranted at his step-daughter. Sometimes she was too much like her biological mom.
***
Clint walked into the Sheriff's office the next morning, sunglasses on and in his uniform with his bow over his back. He looked like he was really mad. "Where is my son?"
"Hiding with Tony so you guys couldn't hurt Chris when you came to yell at him." Jack looked at him. "A few notes first. Either his aim was off or he aimed for their throats."
"He's got about eighty percent aiming. We taught him while deer hunting on Asgard." Clint stared at him. "How many?"
"Two. Calia got a few as well. Tony's been talking to your son because he had a talk with her earlier when she had nightmares. By her reactions, not the first time?"
"No. We had some clones of bad guys who wanted to take out Dawn or capture her and the kids when Calia was barely out of the infirmary for her injury. She okay?"
"She's fine. Tony's had your son in a park grotto to talk to him most of the night. Whatever Dawn did is making them slowly be eaten. All I know is there was a lot of light and screaming."
"She can be a fierce bitch when she wants to be," Clint said, smiling some. "She does us proud when she has to be."
"She said she didn't know how to talk to him about it without making him hate himself."
"This is his first one. We all talked to Calia after she had to when the clones attacked." He shifted. "I'm still going to paddle my son nearly to death for doing that and not waking his mother."
"Philip said you'd expect him to protect his mom."
"Not that way." Jack smiled. "I'll try to calm down but Natasha's going to paddle him too." He nodded. "We're back for this. Hopefully we're due to go home in about a week and a half. HYDRA or otherwise?"
"HYDRA. There had been fifteen. There's now four, including the two your son got. Apparently the arrows have something on them that protected them."
"That way Dawn can find me even in a blind fit moment so she doesn't get me too," Clint agreed. "Thanks, Jack." He walked off, going to the park with Natasha. "It's a pretty little town."
"It reminds me much of the town near our house in North Dakota," she agreed quietly. "I heard."
He nodded. "Our son needs sense."
"And beaten," she said.
"And beaten," he agreed. They walked into the park. They could hear Philip complaining so headed that way. "Son." Philip stared at them, bursting out crying.
"You can't reason with kids his age like you can Calia," Tony said. "I've been trying. He said he didn't want Dawn or the babies to be hurt by the bad guys."
Clint nodded. "Me either but it's still not right for my very young son to do that instead of an adult," he said, looking at him. "Have we not had the talk about calling 911, son? Or even yelling for us, or Uncle Xander or Uncle Phil, or even Grandma?"
"I'M NOT BAD! I PROTECTED THE MOMMY!" Philip shouted, getting free and running off.
"Philip Ivar Summers, get back here," Natasha ordered. Philip gave her a horrified look. "Now, son." He trudged back, still sniffling. She squatted down, staring at him. "You are not an adult. Why did you think doing my job was right?"
"You fighting other bad guys. Only me and Calia awake."
"Bucky was there."
"Bucky had a headache because they were broadcasting something at him to reactivate the programming," Tony said. "He knew Bucky had a headache and Roque's mom had gotten most everyone else asleep, or it would've been my son and daughter joining him."
"Your mother could have."
"It'd hurt the babies," Philip said firmly. "No hurt my sisters!" He glared at his mommy. "I can help!"
"You're too young to help," Natasha said. "You may not help until you are a teenager."
"Calia help."
"She got yelled at for being too young too," Tony said.
"I still protect the mommy!" Philip insisted, glaring at them. "Me not bad!"
"You only go back to baby talk when you think you're in trouble, son," Clint said, pulling him closer so he could squat down and be on his level. "It is *my* job, or Mommy Natasha's job, or Uncle Tony's job, to protect your Mommy Dawn. Not your job yet. Some day it will be your job. Not right now though."
"I still do good!" He wiggled free and ran off crying.
Clint stood up. "Not sure if I still want to paddle him or not," he admitted.
"Let me," Natasha said, going after him. She found their son crying in the playset, pulling him out to sit with him on a bench. She stared down at him. "It is a parent's job to protect the baby, not the baby's job to protect the mother."
"I'm not a baby!"
"No, you're not, so quit throwing a fit like one," she ordered. He burst out crying again. She looked at Clint, getting a shrug back. They had no idea how to pound this into his head at his age. "You are to let your parents protect you and your sisters."
"Mommy sick!" he said, glaring up at her. "She not supposed to fight."
"While that may be, she can and did have to because they were threatening you and Calia." He burst out in new crying.
"Hey, it's not your fault they came," Clint said, picking him up to look at him. "It's not your fault. They wanted to keep all of you guys like kitty cats. That's why we were fighting them in DC." Philip sniffled, looking at him. "You're still not old enough to use the weapons on your own, son. You know better than that." Philip gave him a pitiful look. "Even if you did protect your mother and sisters, it's not right. That's *my* job. Or Mommy Natasha's job, or even Uncle Clay's job. Not yours. You're too little," he said, staring at him. "If you *ever* do that again without it being an absolute emergency I will paddle you so hard you will *never* sit again."
Philip looked down. "Only us there."
"No, it wasn't just you there. You could have yelled for Uncle Xander or Uncle Phil. They would've helped."
He shook his head. "They busy with you."
"No they weren't. They would have shown up to help you and your sisters. Beyond that, your mommy was in a fight the day you were born. She got into a fight right after Lexi was born."
"Roque's mommy say she not fight!" he said firmly. "She sick!"
"Yeah but things happen that means you have to break a rule or two. That's what being an *adult* means. You're still too young and I won't come see you in the hospital if a bad guy gets you like they got Calia. Am I clear?"
"They hurt me like they hurt her?"
"Yeah, they can!" Clint said, nodding. "That's why we don't want you to do that again!"
"But...."
"No!" Clint said firmly. "You tell one of us adults and we'll handle it for you so we don't have to see you hurt like she was by a bad guy." Philip sniffled, nodding as he looked down again. "Thank you! Though you're still in for it." He cuddled him, looking at Natasha.
She shrugged. "I have no idea how to get through to him. It took a smart remark from Bucky to get through to Calia when she wounded your brother."
"We destroy bad guys," Philip decided. "Make them all go 'way so no one else get hurts."
Clint looked at him. "I'm pretty sure people pay me to do that," he said sarcastically.
Philip stared at him. "We make something with Calia and Chris to do that."
"No, that's why we're merged with the other realms. One of the other Uncle Tonys did that and it's now the bad guy."
"Oh." He thought about that. "Good guy be bad guy?"
"Sometimes they are," Clint agreed.
"Oh." He pouted. "We still destroy all bad guys. No one else get hurts like Calia did." He nodded at his mommy.
"We try to do that every day, son." She took him back to hold. "We try very hard to make sure no bad people hurt children like you or Calia. Sometimes we need help from your mother Dawn but usually we handle it." She stared at him. "You are too young to do that. You must be nearly an adult, be a fully grown boy, before you can even train to take out bad people."
Philip frowned. "People?"
"Bad people," she corrected.
"Bad guys."
"No, there's some bad girls in the world," Clint said. He sat beside Natasha on the bench. "Sometimes girls turn into bad girls. It takes more than a bad kid thing to do that but an adult bad people ..." He trailed off. "I have no idea how to phrase that so you understand it."
"Sometimes adults are bad people," Natasha told their son. "Sometimes they're good people. Sometimes they're both. You never have to worry about becoming a bad guy that way because we'll make sure you and your sisters won't."
Philip nodded. "I never be bad guy. Mommy get upset."
"Yes she would," Clint agreed. "So would we. The spanking would know no end if you became a villain, son."
Philip nodded. "I never hurt people like Calia got hurt." He huffed, looking at her. "Mommy need you."
"We needed to straighten your tiny ass out first," Clint said. "Before we had to paddle you so long that you'd never sit again." He stared at him, taking off his sunglasses. "I don't care if there's *tons* of bad guys. You get an adult, Philip. Until you are at least sixteen, you run for an adult. Got it?" He nodded, looking down again. "Thank you!" He looked at Natasha, who smiled and patted their son on the head. "Let's go remind the trio of terror that they can't be fashionable terrorists either." He stood up, taking Philip to hold. "C'mon, let's go check on Mommy Dawn and the girls."
"Mommy Dawn supposed to nap," Philip said. "Babies are mean to her."
"They can be, yes," Clint said. "That's because there's three of them."
"Like the terrors?"
"Only inside her belly until they're born," Clint agreed. He and Natasha walked back to their temporary house. Clay met them at the fence. "I feel her meditating," he said dryly.
"She is. She and Calia had a *long* talk before breakfast about all that stuff. Calia went to throw up again then went to think. Then her dad got her." He let them in the gate. Jensen was napping in dragon form while the kids all piled on him to pet and shine him. The trio of terror were cuddling each other with his tail shared between them. "They're all fine after last night. Roque's mom had knocked them all out but Philip went wandering."
"He usually does unless someone's in bed with him," Clint agreed. He looked at Clay. "The night he figured out how to get out of his diaper, he crapped on the floor. I stepped in it on the way to the kitchen for some water." Clay laughed. "That's back when he thought he was a cat." They walked in.
Calia looked at them. "Are you going to yell too?"
Clint stared down at her. "Emergencies happen," he told her. "You still know to call an adult, right?"
"She's in a fragile state."
"So? You can't yell for Xander, Phil, or Roque?" he asked, staring her down.
"I didn't even think about it," she sighed. "Again."
"Hmm. Insert a command line there, niece."
"Yes, Uncle Clint. I am. I'm trying."
"To make us gray and alcoholics," Clint shot back. "Please don't make me drink again."
"No, that'll be having at last four daughters and two sons," she shot back, giving him a look.
He grinned. "Babies are easier than tween and teenagers. Even you're easier to handle than Katie Kate." He walked into the bedroom. "I think we got through to him." Dawn breathed out, then sucked in a breath. "You must have us blocked off, we can't feel that." He put Philip on the bed, moving to rub her stomach while Natasha moved to sit behind her to help support Dawn while she breathed. "Hey, ladies. Calm down in there. It's us and we're back, it'll be okay. Just calm down. It's not time for you to come out yet." Dawn slumped, making him grin. "Are they being butts?"
"A lot of butts and toes. Way too many toes to only be three." He kissed her. She smiled. "You got through to him?"
"Yup."
"We hope," Natasha added. Dawn leaned back to get a kiss. "Why can we not feel this?"
"You were in a battle."
"Not now." He stared at her. She relaxed her shield between them. "Oh, that's not a labor pain, Dawn."
"No, that's them being little butts and toes."
He got her laying down with her head in Natasha's lap while he rubbed her stomach and back. It calmed down the kids and made her relax. "We're here, we've got it. We're guarding you and the kids, plus we should be home soon. Hopefully without drawing too many HYDRA assholes with us."
"Thanks." She took another kiss then looked at Philip, who was sucking on his bottom lip. "You can help Daddy pet them." He grinned, moving in to hum at them while resting his head on her stomach.
"Take off the rest of the illusion, Dawn," Natasha said. She huffed but did that. "Thank you." She touched one kicking lump. "Hmm. Very strong."
"She had better not be a slayer," Dawn said quietly.
"I doubt she will be. She's strong like her nieces. Sucked up some Asgardian health," Clint joked. He looked at the one foot that pushed out enough to tell it was a foot, tapping it. It went back. "Wow."
"Yeah," Dawn said. "It's nearly time, right?"
"Six more weeks," Clint said, staring at her. "For optimum health."
She sighed. "I don't think I can take six more weeks of this kicking."
"We help, Mommy," Philip promised. "Chris and I will help somehow."
"I know you will, Philip." She stroked over his hair. "Remember, you have to tell the mommy things."
He nodded. "I will. I tell you when I have babies too."
"You'd better," she said with a smile. "You'd also better at least be out of college and twenty years old."
He laughed. "That's really old, Mommy." He hugged her and went to talk to Calia and the others.
Clint shook his head, looking at Dawn. "We have an amazing son that I will beat to death if he puts on spandex."
Dawn patted his cheek, grinning at him. "Only if I don't get there first, dear."
"Or me," Natasha said. "I will get him from a distance to knock him out so we can have a good, long rant at our son."
Clint grinned. "I like the way you think, 'Tasha. Maybe my net arrow?"
"Yes, that may do it." She rubbed Dawn's stomach when the kids started to kick again.
They looked up as they were returned to their single realm status, and were taken home by Phil, Xander, and Loki - who did pause long enough to pat her stomach to calm the kids down.
***
The two remaining Starks just smirked at each other and got back to work.
"Thankfully all the magic went with them," Nathan Stark grumped. "That was too weird even for Eureka."
"All the Xanders hold a yearly convention," one of the Starks said. "I saw our little chaos source after he had went to one. He was bouncy and happy. Plus they show up to help him at times." He grinned at Nathan. "There's worse things than magic."
"Dick tentacles coming out to grab you so you have to have gay sex with their pool is one," the other Tony Stark quipped. "I'm sure their Asgard is *very* happy with that pool."
"They do seem a bit uptight," the first Tony agreed.
Nathan shook his head. "That's still too weird for us."
"Sorry," they said together but grinned at him.
***
The trio of Xander's were designing weird things that could help the mini Xander. He was seriously in need of a keeper, and a bodyguard that wasn't a SHIELD agent. Though he might hire the SHIELD agent that had helped from the office if he was still around and not HYDRA. The others probably had things to do that were a bit more important than rescuing that Xander. So the twins were designing helpful things for him. Including a GHS-belt. Like a bat belt but more useful for those with hormones who kept getting kidnaped.
"Can I bum some of that new liquid explosive?" younger Xander asked with a grin. "The one that get used on the spiders and things?" The twins shared a look and nodded, packaging some up for him. That, a knife sharpening kit, some herbs to help lower the hormones for a bit. A bit of stuff to raise them in case of emergency need. Weapons hidden nicely by magic.
Ray Vecchio walked in, staring at what they were doing. "Can't we work on a thing to get rid of the hormones?"
Mini Xander smiled at him. "That's called a boyfriend or a keeper and I'm without that basic necessity. They can't build me one of those."
"Thankfully. The Church would be horrified at artificial people," Vecchio said dryly, staring at him. "Aren't there other ways?"
"Bodyguards who like to fuck me?" Xander guessed, looking at the twins, who both nodded. "I don't have those either."
Ray huffed. "We can introduce you to some nice people."
"I've had a few nice people since I've been here." He smiled. "The last one said I wore her out too much. She said she'd stick with the twins together because they were less tiring." Ray gaped. Xander giggled but nodded. "I'm *real* good to my lovers. I need someone to be as nice to me."
"Go see if Kowalski will tip you over," Ray suggested.
"Nah, he likes lawyers." Xander shrugged as he shifted. "You might wanna move. Hi, Goblin Leader Goldhand."
"Xander. How much longer is this realm merge going to happen?"
"Another week," Xander said.
"That's fine then. We were thinking of talking to the ones in our original realm."
"I can see if we can get you into the convention realm so you can sneak over," Xander offered, walking him to the twin's portal. He got him over there, letting him go to their Gringotts to talk to the goblins that ran that branch. When he came back he had signed agreements and a few extra goblins coming to help. Xander was happy because his bank people were happy. Alex Dumass came back with them to help him. He and the twins got down into what was necessary for the mini Xander's safety needs. Yes, a commando team of his own would be really handy but he doubted he could do that without having HYDRA around.
Vecchio walked off shaking his head. Four Xanders was just too many. Especially since they were talking about magical things. Hopefully there was a magical-something-that-made-his-head-hurt that would cure the hormone curse. He stepped over both robotic dogs and Diefenbaker who was over to play with the robotic dogs. Vecchio decided he had a headache and went to his room to rest. Before the hormones got worse and infected him.
***
In DC, a group of scientists gathered in front of their new head of HYDRA. "We have a way," one said. "It came from the realm merge." They put down the files they had stolen. "This one, who in our world is in Homeland Security but in that one was a shadow-ruler behind some power, created a shot to turn on the hormone condition you're concerned about," the head guy said. He smiled. "He wasn't concerned about turning it off. He simply wanted one of his own made. Which is reasonable considering they're basically like favored concubines according to the information one of the ones in our realm had on his computer."
"Can it be used tactically?" his second-in-command complained as he walked in. "The only one we know about can control his."
"As long as he's having someone wear them out for him," the scientist said with a smile for him. "He can handle normal things. Which means we can use that against them as well. We wanted to do a test with a military unit but we were divided on how to do that."
One of the female scientists grimaced. "Our military is too precious of a resource to use that way. Use some other's military, or something like ISIS. Allah would hate them falling down to screw that way if we do it right. They could take out whole units doing that."
"Can it be used on masses?" the second-in-command asked.
"As far as we can tell, we can create a way to turn it into a mass weapon instead of a single-dose weapon."
"Administered from a distance?" the head of HYDRA asked.
"As far as we can tell, yes," the female said. "We haven't done anything with the information you had us look up yet." She thought it was frivolous but then again they were men. They were ruled by their dicks. The second-in-command stared at her. She stared back. "Yes?"
"You don't look enthused by this plan."
She shook her head. "I'm not. It's simplistic, it's liable to fail because not everyone has the predisposition toward this condition, and who says that they can't work through their hormones? Most men do at least part of their younger years." She crossed her arms over her chest, holding her folders between them. "You managed to get through military training while in your high hormone years. What makes you think that others can't do the same thing? According to the SHIELD files, the one that we *know* has the problem can and has dropped into the mode where he saved himself by destroying things. We could be causing a worse problem."
He nodded. "Which was a concern I had. The one that has the condition?"
"In Chicago with his other selves," she said. "They're twins."
"Did this one's twin die?" he asked.
"No. Not that we can find out. There's something weird, including a birth certificate that has him being about three-years-old thanks to some of the witches in England. They apparently wanted a protector but someone intervened to raise him off-realm. All we know is that some SHIELD agents have talked about meeting other versions of him, but not the ones that he's presently meeting with. The ones there are weapons designers and part of the Council. They served long and hard in Africa, and they solved a lot of problems. They're highly protective of that younger them."
He considered it. "Could we talk that one Xander onto our side?"
"No," she said. "I doubt it. He's picked up on planted people before by the records. SHIELD tried that at first and he told them to come ask him themselves instead of playing games. It's also mentioned he has magic and that during the battle in Manhattan he faced down Loki for a bit to kill time for the Avengers to gather."
The two heads looked at each other then at her. "Who is he presently dating?"
"He's searching. He's had to escape some attempted owners, but otherwise he's given shelter to Coulson, who healed in his house, and Barton, who hid in his house in return for saving him from the owner attempts. He's also somehow got a garden that put out approximately four acres worth of food twice during the clean up after the battle. We know that he's got some robotic nymphs gathering the food as we've had them noted in SHIELD's office brining messages, plus some brought reloads during the battle in Manhattan."
The two heads nodded. "Interesting to note. Could we talk him onto our side?"
"I think he'd probably kill you all first," she said bluntly. "His base personality is a protector. If he had half the training of Rogers, he'd be able to take over the shield. Nick Fury hated him but called him qualified and able to handle things on his own." She shifted her weight. "I believe he'd rather destroy us in any means possible. I think he could probably recruit to help him do that. If we're subtle, perhaps we can have him as a subtle ally but as soon as he found out he'd again try to destroy us. Look at what he did when we were trying to capture all the Starks." She walked over to the computers to pull up that file. She pointed. "He's learned how to use his hormones offensively and still went on to evade a few others." She ran those mentions from Maria Hill's system then looked at her bosses. "We could be making our worst nightmare to mass expose people."
They considered the battle. "Who is that fourth Iron Man?"
"That third Stark's son," another said after looking it up. "The one that had a few children, was in a relationship with Rogers and Potts, and had that one witch as his assistant. There's something weird going on because their Phil Coulson used something like magic during a battle. His mate, he called him such, appeared in a blip of magic or something. Though it was noted somewhere that he was the God Protector of Humanity." They all stared. That one nodded. "Apparently. The Loki from their world actually showed up to *help* SHIELD."
"Interesting," the head of HYDRA said. "They're home?" That scientist nodded. "Did any of ours go as well?"
"We're missing four people," his second-in-command said. "We're fairly certain they got moved during the unmerging. We can't be certain they weren't killed. Also, wasn't there something funny about that commando team that was guarding Eureka?"
"Yes, the Losers," the female said. "The colonel in charge of that unit from that third Stark's world had a lot of hickeys or other mouth-shaped bruises on his throat and neck." The two heads of HYDRA grimaced. "He was seen necking with his second-in-command a few times. Also, it was noted that Corporal Jensen changed forms into a dragon to play with the younger children." They all stared at her. She smiled. "According to their files, his people immigrated to their world a few centuries back due to a war. They also served on Atlantis for a while. Which was where that tentacle plant and pool that had infected Eureka for a while came from."
"Tentacle plant?" the second-in-command asked sarcastically. She pulled up that file. "That is. That's...phallic."
"It pulled things into the pool that had marble phallic outcroppings to help people," she said dryly. "I'm supposing it was meant originally for someone who suffered with the hormone condition in question. Loki supposedly took it with him to Asgard."
The two heads of HYDRA shook their heads. That was just wrong on many levels. Which was why they had to scramble because a similar plant appeared on the table to grab them for fun things. The female scientist screamed and ran from it. Other guards came running in but by then the plant had won against the guns that the heads of HYDRA had. The scientists were unarmed and most hadn't been able to get away. Gunfire did nothing to stop it. It took fire, which meant it killed the ones that the plant had. Pity but HYDRA had more geeks and more people who could take over.
The third-in-command stomped in to see what had happened. The few living tentacles were stomped on and she sneered at things. "Hmm. Interesting." She looked at the files, nodding. "That will probably not work the way they wanted it to. We'll consider that though. Clean this up." The guards got the bodies removed and the plant remains to biology to study. Maybe they could use that somewhere.
***
Younger, GHS Xander looked up and smiled at the twins, who grinned back but shook their heads. Pity about HYDRA's plans. "Maybe I should go be charming near them," he said. "I might find someone who's only a bit of a shithead I can retrain."
"No," the twins said in unison. "You need someone better than a minion."
"Fine."
"Thank you," they agreed, smiling at him. He grinned back. They finished making the next nymph and activated her, letting that Xander fuss over her and get her dressed. These ones were more like the battle nymphs but they were bodyguarding and special needs nymphs. Helpers for those who needed a service animal but couldn't because they were allergic. It was a great thing for them to work on.
***
When the worlds split again, Loki was in agony from the power rushing through him. He was on a special chair on the edge of the Rainbow Bridge, looking over the chaos that this had caused, but yet cured. When Gaia walked over to him holding the Fate's shears, he nearly begged to be released. She smiled at him. "Thank you, Loki. You have been of great service," she said. "Remember, chaos is not all bad, and anger is one of the fundamental forces of the universe. If I hadn't been angry at my spouse, I wouldn't have created the world the way it was."
She smiled as she cut the strings to him. "One more," she said, making him lean forward to get the one attached to his back. "There." She smoothed down his sweaty hair. "You have been an excellent helper." She smiled and handed over some cookies. "Here, dear. Some special cookies that I haven't gotten to make in years. After all, none of my people need the ambrosia cookies." She smiled as she disappeared. Chaos had been one of her children, and her husband. She was more than fond of that force of creation.
Loki sat there, relaxing. He pulled out a cookie to look at then shrugged and ate it, feeling the new power going through him. "That wasn't *so* terrible," he decided, getting up to hide his special cookies, and himself, from Odin.
***
When the two realms unmerged, each of the Starks made sure they had the virus they needed, and all the information they needed. The Xanders were all cuddled together but the one could get home through the convention realm with his Frodo puppy. Nifa was still on Clint's shoulder when they reappeared, in the middle of the woods since that realm didn't have a Eureka. Stark was back at his tower. He started the virus as soon as they landed, they both had. He also started a search for HYDRA. Xander walked in and handed over a box of chocolates with a smile. The GHS Xander's Tony Stark smirked at him. "Nice, kid."
"You're welcome." He grinned. "It was great and I gave them great ideas. Should I go home to beat the HYDRA guys? And is my usual contact one of them?"
"That I don't know. You might have to ask Barton. I let the others deal with HYDRA while I dealt with my mistake."
"Okay. As long as it won't hurt my puppy or the nymphs." He strolled off, going to SHIELD's remains. He got let inside, being escorted up to the main office. He stared at Agent Hill. "Is my usual contact one of *them*?"
She looked it up, shaking her head. "No. He shot two of them that were trying to get into your house though." She looked at him. "You know not to get in the way of battles."
"Sure, next time I won't solve the problem," he said dryly, staring at her. "I'm just like the twins only they design weapons and I use a forge to make swords." He shrugged. "It helped. I was bored anyway." He grinned. "I thought about taking a few minions to protect myself so you guys can have Clint back if you need him."
"That would be up to Stark, not us. SHIELD is presently down."
Xander nodded. "Sure it is," he said dryly, smirking at the guys staring at him. "Hi, guys." One pulled a gun. Xander stabbed him. "No, you're not the sort of minion I need. Sorry!" He waved and grinned at him. Then he looked at her. "Do they still have the plans for that hormone bomb here?"
"I think we destroyed all that."
"If not, let me know and I'll get more information packets and things ready. Am I going home to a mess?"
"No. Coulson protected your house, Harris."
"Cool!" He grinned. "Have a better day, Hill." He walked off, going back home. Phil was panting on the couch but the nymphs were helping him. He came over to work on the stitching that Phil needed thanks to the new hole in his thigh. "Did you have a bad merging?" he quipped.
Phil shook his head. "Natasha made me pay for not telling her first."
"Ah." He nodded, finishing up. "There you go. You can still bum the room if you want. Or Clint if he wants. I'm not sure how we're doing things so let me know?"
"I can work on your protections and tell you how it's going to go," he promised. "Call your editor." Xander went to his desk to do that while Phil played with the two dogs. The robotic dogs were really nice to him. "What did you and the twins get up to?"
"We made special needs nymphs recently." He grinned. "For those who need helper animals but can't have them because they're allergic."
"That's very handy," Phil agreed. "I hadn't thought of that use." Xander beamed. "What else did you do?"
"We clubbed a few times."
"I heard," Phil said dryly, staring at him.
"Twice without incident."
"Out of how many times?"
"Five. That's a great average for me."
"It is," Phil agreed, sighing at the end. "What else did you do?"
"We made me a GHS belt." He showed him off the invisible helper belt he was wearing. "It's hidden, has all sorts of helpful things, and makes me feel much more secure."
"I'm sure it does. Does it have weapons?"
"Yup. And a knife sharpening kit."
"Very handy," Phil agreed. Xander came over to show him all the things in it. Phil was amused but Xander might need the gemstones, the explosives, or the lockpicking kit. It was a very Xander thing to have.
"We gave HYDRA a tentacle plant like had been in that pool," Xander said with a grin. "It helped take down a few of their higher ups."
"I heard. It was a very unique plan, Xander." He patted him on the arm. "But a good one." Xander grinned, going to call his editor this time. He hadn't quite dialed it all last time. Phil relaxed, waiting on his people to check in. Clint would be back soon, he'd have to pack. Bobbi was somewhere doing something. Natasha was somewhere hurting someone. Xander's usual contact in SHIELD, Agent Crill, stepped in, getting nodded at. Xander was in the kitchen humming while he fussed over food. He and Andrew had exchanged recipes. Crill came in to sit down. "You good?" Phil asked him.
"I'm fine. I know I'm clear but I've heard rumors about another GHS?"
"Someone told HYDRA about me," Xander called. "They were going to use it on people they wanted to control." He shot him a grin. "Then one woman realized that men can fight through hormones and it's stupid to do that. So maybe they've stopped."
"I can only hope so," Crill said, looking at Coulson. "Fury's back." Phil nodded. "He's in a full blown rage."
"He does have a temper," Phil agreed. "Did things get fixed during the merge?"
"Mostly. We're still down a lot of agents."
"I'm healing again," Phil said with a point at his thigh.
Clint stomped in, slamming the door behind him. "Sorry. Xander, are you all right?"
"I'm good, Clint." He grinned. "Did Stark tell you to move in over there?"
"No. Rogers tried to. I told him we needed to guard you before it became the running theme of the universe." He flopped down. "So we've got room in the tower but we're not all moving in right now. I'll bounce between the two."
"That's fine. I nearly picked up a few of the bad guys as minions if you needed me to."
Clint stared at him. "Hell no they're not worthy of being your minions!" Phil nodded he agreed, grimacing some. Clint looked at him.
"I agree, they're not worthy of minion status if they're HYDRA. They might try some sneaky plans to get him on their side. Then he'd have to destroy them for real." Clint grinned and nodded.
Xander came out with plates for them, dropping a kiss on Phil's hair. "I can do that and be really mean while I did, but I'm supposed to be a good boy and laying low instead of letting out the evil. Or asking Lavelle to help me let out the evil." He went back to get his own plate, coming out to eat. "Get your own drinks, people." They went to do that, then came back to eat lunch. Xander was a really good cook.
***
In the twin's world, the remaining HYDRA people were looking at their decimated forces. They had lost some to the unmerging and had lost a lot to SHIELD, and the Losers teams. Clearly they had underestimated things. Including that one Xander. They wouldn't make the same mistake of any Council people, especially not the twin Xanders. Though they might like to get Andrew Wells on their side. That very thought made their computers die in a flash of noise and light worthy of a disco on LSD.
The remaining top HYDRA people all huffed but started to clean things up so they could rebuild. Maybe that GHS bomb would be of better help now. They could dose a few to get people on their side by giving them a concubine that needed sex. They could dose people they wanted out of the way then discredit their medical needs for sex. Americans were still so puritanical about sex that it would ruin a few politicians in their way. Maybe even Captain America if they got lucky enough.
That idea triggered a bomb that blew up most of the rest of HYDRA. The Bucky Barnes that Dawn had helped heal sneered at the rubble. "I don't think you're a good idea anymore." He walked off. He had to get things straight in his head. Then he had to find Steve, the man on the bridge, to deal with him.
***
Up on Asgard on Chaos GHS Xander's realm, a male voice screamed as he was dragged into a certain pool by the tentacles. Not even his wife was going to be able to save him this time. Loki, who was watching from a distance, burst out laughing. "I knew they'd like the stress relief," Loki quipped, eating another special cookie. Watching all of Valhalla get...unstressed was quite amusing and no one could say he had done it since he had been in that chair on the Rainbow Bridge. He watched as Thor tried to save his father, but he had to run from the tentacles too. Pity his girlfriend couldn't save him because she was back on Midgard. Or any of those other heros.
TBC...in each of their own series.
Chaos, Magnified.