Natasha showed up two months later. "Xander, have you seen two of the younger Widows? They seem to be missing."
He didn't look up from reading but pointed. "They're in the pool area most of the time. Every now and then I put food on the grill in there and it disappears as a hint to eat something."
She blinked. "That's kind of you." She went to check, finding them trying to hide. She stared at them when she found them. "Are you protecting Xander?" They nodded quickly. "Does he realize that?" They shook their heads with sighs, looking down. "It's a good hiding job. It took me a week to figure out you were here." They stared at her. "Are you camping?"
"A new treehouse appeared," one said with a point. "It has pillows and blankets."
She hummed but nodded. "He is very nice to you two. If you find him being taken, do handle it for him, ladies."
"We have," the other one agreed with a fast nod. "Often."
"Good. It's obviously helped." The girls smiled at that praise. "Eat something, you're both too skinny. He obviously knows you're here." She went to talk to Xander, pausing to look at the sword display and change the ones that Clint had changed back. Xander grinned at that. "It's more balanced that way." She stared at him. "Do you mind them hiding here?"
"No. Or that Frank Castle guy hiding downstairs now and then. Though he does need to clean up the blood." He stared at her then grinned. "Want to try the practice room?"
"Yes, I could use that. Ladies, let's go practice. You can watch so you learn something." They came out to do that while she and Xander went down to get into a sparring match. He did show her the training room with the projections, making her sigh in pleasure. Then the obstacle course room, which made her get warm, tingly feelings. Then he took her to sword fight with her. During that, Castle showed up injured. The girls helped him clean up while they watched the sparring.
Frank cleared his throat. "What is that?" he asked quietly.
"He learned a unique fighting style. It's very hard to beat," one hissed. "But it is hot."
"It is. Which is a bit weird." He settled in to watch with them. He was ignoring his body's response to that bit of movement. His body was wrong, it did not want that boy. He wasn't into boys. So when someone tried to break in he got them for everyone and stared at the bruised body.
One of the Widows came to look. "That one tried yesterday but we tried to set him on fire." She smiled at him. "Xander said to please clean up any spilled blood and he put a cot in your usual hiding area." She went back to watching the sparring.
Frank did that after he threw the guy in the dumpster out back. It was nice of him to clean up his mess. It wasn't his house and blood was nasty so he should clean it up. Once the sparring was done and he had reminded his body he didn't want a male lover, again, he went to talk to Xander. "You met with Billy Russo. Why?" he asked.
"Maria Hill wanted me to hire his people as bodyguards. He was supposed to come back with how much it'd cost me but he never did and I heard he died right after that."
Frank nodded. "That makes sense I guess." He stared at him. "He wasn't a good guy."
"I've had nobles from Europe, who call themselves the Court of Evil, try to get my attention by sending tacky presents and kidnaping me to Europe fifteen times in a year, Mr. Castle. Plus they might not have minded dating me after they got to know me. I could use a boyfriend to help ease the hormone problem down."
Frank blinked a few times. "I've only heard rumors, kid." Xander shrugged at that. "So nothing to do with his weapons trading?"
"I like weapons. Me having them means that I look too hard to kidnap."
"What?"
"If the ones who want him know he can defend himself they think twice about taking him," Natasha explained, coming down from showering and changing clothes. "It's very nice of them to not do so. Can I show him the armory, Xander? Clint was very happy with how arranged it was."
"Okay. It's slightly expanded too. Are they sending the tacky presents to the storage area?"
Frank nodded. "There's a few in one room. I had no idea someone had that bad of taste." He went to look with Natasha, moaning at what was in there. "Oh, damn."
Natasha smirked at him. "He has it to keep him safer."
"Yeah, I can see that." He nodded. "Fuck."
"He would need to be on the bottom," she said quietly. "But he may if you offered. He could use more sex in his life to help ease his hormones down. It's been much too long."
He stared at her. "I'm not into boys."
"Pity. He'll make someone a good wife someday."
He shook his head quickly. "Yeah, I'm sure he will." They left and she closed up the armory. "I threw that one guy in the dumpster. I'll have a talk with them later."
"Hand again?" she asked.
"Yup. Midlevel guy."
"Please do and invite me if they do not listen." He nodded, smirking at her. "Just clean up any mess you make."
"I will from now on."
"Leftovers in the fridge on the left," Xander called. "Pasta and beef from last night if you're hungry."
Frank shook his head with a sigh but looked and did get some. So did the two young women, who went back to hiding by the pool and treehouse. They found college catalogs in there to go over and pick out what they wanted to study. They'd talk to Natasha later about that. She was like a fond aunt.
***
Yelena showed up a few months later with a huff. "Ladies," she bellowed from the kitchen area.
One leaned out of the pool area. "We're doing college work while housesitting until he comes back from Malta again. And dog sitting, the dogs are great fun and help." She went back to her computer to get back to online classes.
"You're what?" Yelena demanded, following her. She found the dogs, who she petted. They barked to greet her. "Nice of you to watch the girls. Are they behaving?" Frodo nodded. "That's good of them." She looked at them. "You're doing what?"
"I'm taking a swimming break because english class is driving me nuts," the one in the pool said with a smile. "The teacher thinks Russian literature is *deep*."
"Oh, dear," Yelena sighed. "So you're both taking classes?" The one on the laptop showed her. "Oh, that is. How weird that he thinks that's insightful. It's just depressing." She handed the laptop back. "Where is Xander right now?"
"Coming home from Malta. Some oil person wanted him so he set their house on fire," the one not in the pool said with a smile. "He called to talk to the dogs."
Yelena sighed but nodded. "Fine. You are housesitting. Even when he is here?" They blushed but nodded. "Why?"
"We don't want to train," the one in the pool said. "We want to be like normal girls."
Yelena sat down, nodding. "I understand that. I can agree with that. You don't have to hide from us though. You could do course work while still talking to us when you're not house and dog sitting." They nodded they knew that. "Are you coming back soon?" They shook their heads. "Are you seriously going to live in his garden?"
"For now," the one on the laptop said. "He made us a treehouse and it's helping him to not be alone in this house. Plus we can housesit. We asked and he said he didn't mind. He never tries anything funny with us."
"He doesn't understand women anyway," Yelena told her. "He's never touched one in his life."
"Wow." The girls shared a look then looked at her. "Why not?"
"When he was born he was raised off-realm by a lot of uncles. It was at the convention of himself I'm told." They groaned. "So no, not many women there." She looked at them. "You two are being safe?"
"The Hand even quit coming finally," the one in the pool quipped. "We had to get a bit mean but they did stop it."
"Good. You protect him very well. How are you paying for college?" They shrugged. "Ah. That way. I can see that. All right. You two will check in with me regularly. That way we can come help you if you need us to."
"We see Natasha a lot. She's here often to spar."
"That's kind of her." Yelena looked at them and they grinned back. "Fine. Behave, girls. Let me know if you have problems or he gets tired of you living by his pool." She went back to talk to Natasha, who agreed the girls were being good. They cleaned up after themselves. They didn't make him more work. They helped protect Xander. It was good of them to do that and nice of him to fund them going to college.
Yelena just sighed and let it be for now. Until something happened or changed.
***
Xander bounced up to Maria Hill, smiling at her. "I took out an oil owning guy and a politician! Sorry if it upsets anyone but now they can't use my ass either!" He beamed at the staring agent. That guy walked off shuddering. "And I got Nick free. He's behind me somewhere. If I have to see diplomats, can you remind them I'm protecting myself?" He bounced off again. "I only got two tacky presents I stole off his desk and they probably aren't spy gear."
"I want to see them to make sure," she called. "Or let Crill do it, Xander." He waved a hand. He headed down to the car then back up to let Crill see them. They were in fact spy gear. One held a trigger to something. The other had listening devices.
They could clear them and give them to Xander for his memorials of kidnapings past display. She went looking to see who it was. She stared at something. "He took out a top level Russian politician," she mouthed as she read. "How?" Nick Fury stomped off the elevator. "He took out a politician."
"Good," he growled. "Sad that I couldn't." He looked over her shoulder. "Great, he'll complain."
"He can't deny Xander was protecting himself from being assaulted."
"True and he'd hate that. He hates gay men." He looked around. "Anything on those two things he shoplifted?"
"Techno-weapons has them."
"Good. Any good news?"
"They found a new allergen to put on the list." Nick groaned. "Sorry. Not something you're likely to run into. It's some Indo-Pacific ocean fish."
"Yeah, I don't need that." He went to his desk to see what was going on. Maria had held down things well for him. He came back out. "He somehow got the robotic version of him freed from that guy. He had them hostage in a closet. They helped a lot. One set the house on fire for him. He volunteered since he was damaged in the fight to get out of there." He went back to his desk. "They can poison the rest of them if they want to."
"I'll let that be known," she agreed. Three robotic Xanders would drive some people nuts trying to figure out who was the original. "Maybe we should have more LMD's of Xander made. It would cause great confusion and hopefully shield the boy more."
Nick Fury walked to the doorway. "If they want one that much they can order one from some robotic surrogate company, Hill. I'm sure there's one who can."
"Two actually but neither's very advanced."
He glared but went back to his desk. He had a headache and wanted to rest somewhere safer than his on-base suite that he had been stolen from the last time. Maybe he'd take over the kid's former house. Not like ninjas wanted him and he could handle that small threat.
Hill got back to work tracking things and put out a notice that their director had been found and rescued. The World Security Council was not amused by that but oh well. They could hate a high level Russian politician going down for kidnaping american males for sex.
***
Xander nearly flinched when someone touched his arm, blinking at the woman there. "Oh, hey, Mrs. Zemo. Are you okay or did you get stolen too?"
"No, dear. You're in the middle of a park."
He looked around then sighed. "Sorry. Apparently last time I got drugged. Again." He sighed, frowning at the man stomping his way. "Is that an agent? I can't tell anymore."
She looked. "It's a politician." She glared and the man sneered. Xander let the man start to complain at him about being free and punched the guy. "Charming, dear, thank you. Let's get you somewhere safer?"
"Is there anywhere safer?" he asked her, sounding tiny and weak. "I even moved. It's safer. No ninjas have broken in."
She patted him on the arm. "Let's at least sit down. I'll call the husband, he'll tell someone to help you get home, Xander." He nodded, swallowing hard and sitting down. Fortunately she didn't have to call her husband, someone was running over, an officer. "He's been drugged?" she demanded coolly. "After being kidnaped from the US?"
"Yes, ma'am, and we've been looking for him." He walked over the politician. "INTERPOL is looking for him to get him home." Xander blinked at him. "We can pause for medical care."
"I heal pretty quickly. By the time I get home I'll be okay. I hope."
"Let me call this in and then we'll get you to the agents, Mr. Harris." He did that and they said they'd have a medic waiting on him there. Mrs. Zemo smiled at that. "Thank you, Baroness."
Xander snorted. "She's not on GI Joe." She snickered, swatting him gently before walking off. He looked at the officer. "I need to carry more explosives."
"Clearly you had plenty this time. Let's get you to the agents and the medical help." He helped him up and to the car, taking him to where the agents were. The locals were complaining about the explosion and why but they didn't want anyone to stay a hostage.
Xander looked at the agent he knew. "I suck apparently."
"You do not. They do." Xander nodded, swallowing again. "Let the paramedic check you over, Xander." He let the team have him. He had to translate but that happened. The officer took a note and let the agents handle it. They apparently had some experience with this situation.
One asked him about the explosives so he showed him how he had carried it and not had it confiscated. The officer just nodded at that touch of magic. It figured, it really did. Xander gave the officer a pat on the arm as they evacuated him. The agent had to go with him because he had to fly commercial this time. Xander slept most of the flight so that was nice.
Xander walked into his house and looked at the two girls. "Can I cuddle?" he asked quietly. They both looked confused so he laid down next to one and hugged her. "Thank you."
"Of course." She was very confused and worried. She called Natasha, who wasn't available. She called Yelena, who gave them a look. "He is back but he needed to cuddle?"
She let them show her. "Just let him hug. It's been a bad day and it's very comforting. What you'd do to a child of your own." She stared at her younger minion. "Is he well?"
"He did not say. Just asked if he could cuddle."
"I'll be there in a bit to help him as Natasha is overseas figuring out why someone blew up." Xander snorted. "Oh, that reason. That's good. You should destroy that sort of people." She hung up and went to save the girls from being cuddled. None of them were used to it but she could guard Xander for the day.
He was very fragile at times. Today was apparently one of those. She did send Natasha text message about Xander having saved himself somehow. When Yelena got there, she took over cuddling Xander, making sure he rested. He was very upset this time. Something really had to be done.
***
Natasha walked up to an agent, staring at him. "How many did he get?"
"No human casualties beyond one injured guard. The house is destroyed, Agent Romanoff. Do you know anything about that explosive he uses?"
"It came from him in another realm who's a weapons designer." She smiled slightly. "We do enjoy how effective it was."
"This is the third time he's had to destroy people's houses for stealing him."
"That's half of the recent kidnapings."
"Oh, dear. Can we not solve that?"
"Find him a few good boyfriends?"
"If I knew one...." he sighed. Then looked at the mess. He looked at her again. "How many more are on his list?"
She pulled up SHIELD's list of who had sent presents. "All these have shown interest. Are they still going to try something I have no idea. They could run into the robotic versions someone made but they'd probably poison them."
"There is?"
"Someone wanted a sexual surrogate." She shrugged one-sidedly. "They created a few. There were four but one helped fix the problem in Malta. The other three robotic versions of him are somewhere and they do enjoy poisoning people. Xander doesn't, he's soft. He's gentle. He's presently curled up in the lap of someone protective who'd he'd never sleep with because he doesn't understand women."
"That's a pity." He watched the fire trucks leave. "How do we stop them from doing this?"
"Make the ones who steal him stop? He takes all the precautions he can to stay home more often. He's even moved into a more secure residence. SHIELD doesn't even have the address formally noted. They still manage to send him things. Usually very tacky things. He has weapons he enjoys using to keep himself at home, they've sent him...decorated ones." She showed him a picture.
The agent grimaced. "That is definitely tacky, yes." He looked around then at her. "Are there many others who could want one like him?"
"People with his hormone condition are often seen as favored concubines. How many would want one?" she asked back.
"Too many apparently." He nodded once. "We have to stop this."
"At least most of them have been people that you wanted to arrest anyway. This just gave you a better reason that would stick."
"True. Though one judge did not understand until someone got us something he had sweated on. The judge had to recuse himself because he now wanted the boy."
"He does smell very tasty but some of us were raised not to take what we wanted without consent."
"True. I would not even if I wanted him more than a diabetic would want chocolate." He grimaced but nodded once. "We will do what we can. We had to go back with him because he had to fly commercial."
"At least then he'd only get a regular stalker if they wanted him." She pushed her hair back over her shoulder since there was a breeze blowing it around. Someone shouted and came at them with a gun. She raised an eyebrow and shot him in the leg, making him fall over crying. "Pitiful." She looked at the agent again, who was shaking his head. "We have done what we could."
"I can see that. How many are already in Europe?"
"Perhaps ten or twelve who aren't in custody of someone? They do not talk about each other, it gets them kidnaped."
"I can see that." The guy on the ground was whining about not being good enough.
"Nor will you ever be," Natasha told him. "Xander deserves a true lover, not an owner. He's not a pet." The man glared at her. She stared back. "I've been around him constantly since I train with him and I haven't kidnaped him. It shows how weak of willpower you are. The boy would gladly go to someone who wooed him as a proper spouse." She looked at the agent again. "I have to start matchmaking but I don't know many gay agents. The ones I do know are taken."
"Me either. If I did I'd introduce them. The boy clearly could use someone who adored him for more than his hormones." They picked up that idiot and put him into a car in handcuffs then went to talk to the higher ups to see what they could do and how many more may try something this stupid and get blown up.
SHIELD Europe was not pleased with that list of present givers, mostly because their senior agent was on it. Natasha stared at that agent, who was shaking his head quickly. So apparently he wasn't going to attempt to steal the boy himself.
***
Xander saw an alert on his security system so looked. Frank with someone pretty cut up. Xander got out of bed and grabbed the first aid kit, going down there. He held it up. "Bandages?"
"Please," Frank said. "He's a good guy, Xander, but I need him to sit there for a few hours."
"Okay." He nodded. "I've seen that happen. Clint's not local so I can't call him to see if he'd help but can I help?"
"Fisk, kid. You can't handle that."
"Well, yeah, I can. I'm suing him for trying to annoy me to death. I can be so very annoying to him that he can ignore others."
Frank blinked. "What did he do?"
"Tried to get into my bank. Tried to get into my accounts and my bank. Some of the guys like me have minions but he'd make a sucktastic one. Way too mouthy and can't handle things on his own." He grimaced. "Also because he kept sending ninjas to invade my house. I really hate being attacked by ninjas in my own house."
Frank patted him, seeing the wince. "You injured too?"
Xander looked at his shoulder then shrugged slightly. "Mother fuckers," he muttered. "Just got home yesterday. Again." He walked off. "The refills for that kit is in the main bathroom in the living room area. Both of the girls are in the treehouse."
"Thanks, kid." He went to help the red suited asshole he had saved this time. So when a girl came in he looked. "You're not one of Belova's girls."
"No, I'm Kate Bishop." She grinned. "Can I help with that?"
"Doubt it, you're a kid."
"I'm the other Hawkeye."
"You're a kid."
"So is that spider kid."
Frank sighed. "Not the argument you want to start, girly." He went to help the injuries. "We're cleaning this up. I doubt he wants someone underage to help with that."
"Not really," Matt Murdock said. "Pleasure to meet you, Miss Bishop."
"You too." She waved a bit. "Sorry, forgot you're blind. I'm supposed to be watching over Xander this week for Clint." She walked off, going up there. Xander was on the couch now so gave her an odd look. She flopped down across from him. "Where did you find Lucky's pizza flavored treats? I can't find them anywhere."
"I made them."
"Awww. I can't cook. Damn. I'm Kate by the way."
"Clint told me about you."
She grinned. "He asked me to help guard you this week. He's out with the fam back at the farm."
"Oh. Okay. Sure. I hope I'm going to be here all week."
She nodded. "You need to quit getting kidnaped. They really need to give up and take lessons in consent." She grinned. "But I can help if you let me."
"Sure, I don't mind if someone else yells at the people who take me."
"Or shoot arrows at them. I'm actually pretty good at it."
Xander nodded. "Watch out for ninjas breaking in again. They keep doing it and it's really annoying. And absurd."
"Yeah, that would be absurd. I don't know of anyone else who gets attacked by ninjas in their own house." She shook her head quickly. "Have you seen the cute Lucky pictures from this week?" She pulled out her phone to show him. He grinned and relaxed again.
Lucky clearly loved this girl and anyone the dog liked he could probably like. Even when ninjas broke in again and she just sneered then helped him defend himself. She finally got to huff and sit back down, staring at him. He was shaking his head with a sigh. "I wonder if we can trick them into giving up."
"If I go blow up someone. SHIELD would be mad though."
"Yeah, some people are just asking for it though."
"Yes but I try not to start it. Just finish it."
"So let's work on that problem in a round-about way. What can you do to hurt Fisk and the Hand without being obvious? Can you hack or anything?"
"No. Natasha can. I've tried to learn but I have no attention span."
She nodded. "That can happen. I can't hack either." She looked around. "No tv to calm down to?"
"My bedroom. I usually don't have many guests. I have a media room upstairs though."
"Let's go up there. It's probably harder to find you. It'll let Castle sneak up to raid the fridge."
"There's leftover fruit salad and a few other things if he wants. I told him that before."
She nodded. "You're kinda neat, Xander." He grinned at that. "Let's go watch trashy tv and calm down. If there's more ninjas they probably can't find us up there." He nodded, getting up with her helping haul him up and take him up to calm down. The two former Widows came up to help them with that. Kate was young and understood things they didn't so they could talk to her about it, like Xander would be. Kate was very normal to them all.
***
Xander walked past Castle, taking the dog's leash with him. "C'mon, sweetie. Come play with Lucky? He's a good boy and I'm a good puppy sitter. You'll like Frodo and Samwise too. They like to play. I like to play. Do you like to play fetch?"
Frank blinked. "What the hell, kid?"
Xander grinned at him. "I'm a favorite pet sitter."
"I'm sure you are." He nodded at that. "Go with him, Dog." The dog let Xander take him off to go home and play with the other three dogs. The robotic ones got a long sniff and a bit of fear from Dog, but Lucky made him calmer and they did play with the toys Xander had gotten them. Including balls so they could play fetch. The robotic ones helped with that. It was so cute. Xander took film for later happy needs.
Frank sighed but he was getting used to weird things. Barton had said that the kid was his favorite dog sitter. He treated them well. He spoiled Lucky greatly.
Kate strolled past, nodding at him while sipping hipster coffee. "Xander needs more to do and the dogs are fun. He's very spoiling and likes to play. You should see the film of the robotic ones playing fetch in the park." She grinned at him then winked. "Oh, and Fisk is so mad," she said more quietly then smirked. "He tried to get into Xander's accounts again and they did not have a happy moment when the dvergers stopped that on him."
"What are they?"
"Goblin is a slur word to them."
"Like the guys in stories?"
"Yeah." She grinned and nodded. "Very much. They even have a dragon." She walked off again. "I'm going to watch over him again to avoid homework."
"You should probably go be a kid then." He watched her go, looking very confused. But he did ask people about what Fisk had planned now. Just in case it came his way too. When he went to Xander's that night to get his dog, the dog was exhausted from playing, napping with Lucky on a couch, and had eaten very well by the look of the food dish. He looked at Xander, who grinned and waved. "They look content for the night."
"They should be. They had a lot of playing time. They had some of that natural food stuff. They were good boys who had some pool time with the girls."
Frank just nodded. "The kid here still?"
"No, she had to go home. I'm okay by myself sometimes."
"Let's not tempt things this week." Xander rolled his eyes but looked amused. "What's with that one room down there?"
"The one with the boxes? That's presents that they won't take back. So someday soon I'll sell them."
Frank nodded. "Why?"
"They sent them as a 'be mine' gift and I send them back as soon as I know who it is. If they come back after my 'I'm not looking for an owner note' then they know I'll sell it. I put that in the turn down note." He shrugged. "It sucks. A lot. They all think I'm an easy treat to woo and I'm not. I'm only wanting a real relationship, not something in the clubs. Someone who dates and does things with me."
"That's what most people want. Some people like hos though."
"Which I'm not. They just don't understand that. They refuse to understand it. Which sucks."
"I'd guess it would." He looked at the dogs who had just farted. "That's gross, boys." They ignored him to keep sleeping. He rolled his eyes. Xander grinned. "I don't mind if you watch him but ask first, Xander."
"Yes, Frank."
"Thank you. And for watching him today. It made sure he didn't get hurt in a fight I got into earlier." Lucky yawned and looked at them then put his head back down.
"You rest, good boy," Xander cooed. "We'll cuddle in bed with the doggies later." Lucky let out a quiet bark, getting one back from Samwise and Frodo. So he went back to his nap.
Frank looked at the robotic dogs. Then at Xander, who grinned. "They're cute."
"They're great friends and I never worry about them."
"That's even better." He nodded. "Let me go rest for a few hours then I'll take watch once you go to bed."
"If you want. I won't impose."
"Yeah but it needs to be handled in case Fisk shows up today."
"He's been sending minions and I've been fighting back by becoming my bitchiest final form. I wonder if I can do meaner things." He considered it.
Frank got to rest for an hour before the dogs woke him up and he went up to watch over the kid. He got to see Clint Barton stroll in taking off his tie but shaking his head. "I'm on watch," he said quietly.
Clint grinned at him. "Good. The kid could use it. He still home?" Frank nodded. "Great job then." He looked at the dogs. "You two look way too comfy. You should be napping with the boy."
"They didn't wake up."
"That's fine. There's a tree downstairs that Lucky likes to water." He went up to his room to rest for now. Frank got to relax for a few more hours, until Clint got up again. He glanced at the present room but didn't open anything. It wasn't his business. Clint settled in to see what Xander had been doing. What he saw worried him, Fisk was a huge problem in more ways than one. He had no idea why the idiot had gotten stuck on Xander. Maybe that'd be figured out first.
***
Xander walked into SHIELD with a box, heading for Hill's desk. No Hill. He looked at Fury. "Is Hill out of the office?"
"For a week. She sprained her shoulder." He looked up. "New present?"
"Yes. From that guy who wears all white and is a huge problem. So I'm suing." He smiled. "Want me to tell Crill or Crispin about him since you guys don't think he's SHIELD's problem?"
"How tacky is this one?"
"Incredibly but it's not twinkly. He sent me a weapon." Fury winced, coming to see it. He stepped back with a sigh. "I think I disarmed it. Clint's at the new house talking to the officer he summoned to help me when he saw who had sent it. The officer wanted me to hand it to you guys since Clint snorted at the FBI and said he was one of yours."
Fury nodded. "That's bad. Why did he do that?"
"I have no idea why he's been annoying me. He keeps trying to get into my accounts and things. I have no idea if he's trying to get favors from someone or what. I don't really care. I just want him to go away." He grinned. "I could send this one back."
"No, you may not," Fury said. "Get me someone from weapons," he called. "To make sure this thing is disarmed." Coulson called that in. He looked, not his Phil since he was older. "Do you have any idea?"
"No," he admitted. "If I did, I'd stop it." He smirked at Xander. Xander let him see. "That's nicely compact and something that was developed by Hammer."
"Ewww, gross," Xander said.
"We'll find out if it was stolen or what," Phil assured him. "Are you all right?"
"I'm livid and I'm about to prove I'm a Xander." He smiled. "Even with my axe if I have to." He nodded a bit.
"Let us help," Phil said gently. "Please?"
"If you do. The PD was not happy that I got sent a present at all."
"We can talk to them, Xander. Go play with Lucky. What's that other dog?"
"Frank's dog Dog."
"Go play with the four dogs. Let the girls protect you."
"They don't want to do that sort of thing. That's why I suggested college."
"That's good for them. For now, go home, let us make plots for you and we'll include you to help you fight back this time. Natasha will be upset we didn't include her." He grinned. "I might even go ask a teenage girl what sort of plan to use."
"They can be evil from what I've heard. Kate said they could."
"They can be and I've got teenage Starks I can ask for ideas." Xander nodded, going home with Agent Crispin driving him. "It's interesting how Fisk got Hammer's things."
"In your world?"
"I'm preventing myself from assassinating a future president. This Xander is nicely calming." He strolled off.
Nick Fury shuddered. "Do we know about them?" He snapped and a file appeared so he looked it over. "Hell, just ask an assassin, Coulson."
He smirked back from the elevator. "Don't tempt me, Nick. I might turn my version of you back from an eternal ferret to handle it." The doors shut.
Fury shuddered. "I feel very sorry for that me. Though he probably doesn't have to worry about teenage Starks when he's a ferret." Stark came off the elevator with the weapons team. "Were you hanging around?"
"Barton called." He looked and groaned. "That thing's a piece of shit. It probably won't work at least a third of the time." He broke it down to disarm it, letting the weapons team take notes on how he did it.
***
Xander looked at the man across the courtroom then at his lawyers.
The judge looked at Fisk's people. "Why are you bothering this young man?"
"We wanted his attention."
"There's easier ways to do that I'm sure," the judge said. "Than trying to break into his bank accounts."
"The man surrounds himself with minions. We think he's a threat to this city."
Xander shook his head. "Not a single minion in my life." He smiled at the other side. "Prove that I pay them?" The man glared. He stared back. "Am I a threat? If you're endangering the city I'm sure I can be." He handed over something. "My SHIELD file, Your Honor. My lawyers did not want me to present that."
The judge took it from the bailiff to look at. "Oh, you were helping defend areas during that invasion." He looked at him. "How?"
"Guns. A few helpful robots helping me guard an ER and other places. Those mini tanks were mine."
"So you're not dangerous to the city."
"Not unless the city makes me be." He smiled. "I'm a defender sort. That's how I was raised. Unfortunately now I'm defending myself against idiots."
"He has known contact with people who are wanted," the other side's lawyers said smugly. Xander looked at him oddly. "Mr. Frank Castle is a wanted man."
Xander nodded. "He broke in and hid in my storage room a few times. I let him steal food from the fridge because I'm not an asshole. I kept his dog so it'd be safe. Then again, I've been stolen by arms dealers and chemical warfare sorts recently too; mostly because your client told them about me. So your point is?"
The lawyer cleared his throat. "You can't prove that."
"That's actually in his SHIELD file," the judge said, letting him see that with a smirk. "I do believe that you're going to have some problems." He looked at the agents sitting behind Fisk's table. "Agents I'm assuming?" They all nodded. "From what agencies?"
"IRS and Treasury, Your Honor. Also Homeland Security and FBI are represented in the courtroom." That agent smiled at the lawyer giving him an odd look. "Your client has had known interaction with terrorists overseas to get the young man over there out of his city for some reason. We have no idea why he's scared of him. We don't really care."
Xander looked over. "Does that mean I won't be attacked by ninjas in my own home again? I find that really absurd."
"We can only hope so, Mr. Harris. We've seen your file from SHIELD and the State Department."
"Herbs," he quipped.
"Thank you for that. We'll share the list of who he contacted with your SHIELD handler when we're out of here." Xander grinned at that. "That way you don't have to blow up another ancestral manor house."
"INTERPOL would like that."
"Yes, they called us," the FBI agent said smugly.
The judge looked at them. "Why was INTERPOL involved?"
"Mr. Harris gets kidnaped a lot, Your Honor," Xander's head lawyer said. The dvergers had hired the law firm for him. "Six times in the last four months to Europe and once to an island in the Pacific."
The judge blinked. "That hormone thing?" Xander nodded. "Ah, that's making more sense."
"Some people don't take no for an answer," Xander quipped. "Or that I'd rather date, not be a concubine. I've got a lifetime of dealing with that problem until I start to date someone good enough to help me cure those."
"I hope you manage it, Mr. Harris."
"Us too," his lawyer said quietly. "So we can stop their attempts to get guardianship of him?"
"Yes," the judge said with a nod. "There's no reason for that and he's not a relative."
"His mother said he's very young," Fisk's lawyers said.
Xander looked at him. "You went to Devon to talk to my biological bearing being?" The lawyer looked smug and nodded. "Did she tell you how she hijacked my DNA from another realm intentionally to knock herself up so she could have a warrior slave on hand to protect her and the coven? Or how I was raised off realm?" He handed something to his lawyer, who looked at it and handed it to the judge. "Transcripts from the last time that came up."
The judge read it over and winced. "These ones were...."
"The mes from other realms who raised me." He nodded behind him. "One's here."
"I noticed your relation." Lavelle grinned at him for that. "Oh. That...still, Mr. Fisk is not a relative and the ...biological surrogate does not have custody of him as he is of age." He considered it. "That's very weird but you are clearly an adult."
"Your Honor, he has no record of high school graduation."
"Yes I do. I took the tests once I got here for home schoolers," Xander said. "Passed very well. He handed that file over. The judge nodded as he read it over. "There's also a copy of the restraining order for the biological bearing device getting near me."
"There is," the judge agreed. He looked at Fisk's people. "If you did get him I doubt you'd enjoy it, gentlemen. He's recently blown up some places to get himself free."
"Your Honor, he's a *nice* young man. How would he do that?"
"How did he help defend some areas during the invasion?" Lavelle asked. "We're all warriors if we're a Xander."
"He doesn't even carry a weapon usually," the lawyer said. Xander waved a hand and unhid something then pulled it to put onto the table. "What's that?" Xander let it grow. "Um...how did you get that in here?" Xander reshrank it and hid it again, making Lavelle laugh at that. "That's a higher grade grenade launcher."
"Yes, it is," Xander agreed with a smile and a nod. "I have two of them with me just in case I get kidnaped again."
"How did you get that in here, Mr. Harris?" the judge demanded. Xander got up and walked over to show him where it was stored as he put it back. "That's...." He tried to touch it once it was hidden. "Can anyone else touch that?"
"Me. My other self maybe." He smiled. "It's my Xander belt for kidnaping events. That way I'm not trapped and I can get myself free. I also carry some minor helpful things like lock picks, a small bit of liquid explosive, some rope shrank down. A whole bunch of stuff."
"Can you take that off? Just while you're in here."
"That would mean they'd show up to kidnap me."
"The agents would protect you."
Xander looked at them then at him. "I won't touch it again."
"Let your other self hold it?"
"I can do that, mini us." Xander let him have it. "At least you don't have the long hair habit to hide weapons in. No one expects the hairpins to hold explosives."
Xander nodded, going back to his seat. He still had the hidden bag of holding on his chest. And a second one on his leg. He sat back down.
The other side's lawyers looked worried. "Your Honor, what does his other self do?"
Lavelle made a card appear and handed it over. "I run the world." He smiled. "By accident. I was making friends and they formed together to work past the Dark Syndicate in Europe." Fisk's people's eyes went wide. He grinned. "I'm also a gunman and thief. Second gunman and thief to back up my trainers. I just built around them."
The man swallowed but nodded. "Well." He looked at Xander.
"No, I'm the innocent kid of the group," Xander said. "I just have to fight back and defend people against demon things." He smiled. "They trained me very well to do that."
"We did," Lavelle agreed, petting over his hair. Xander tipped his head to let it, he needed more contact with other people. The lawyer slumped at that. "I taught him to use weapons and tactics. With the one of us that became president in his world." He grinned as President him looked up from his phone and waved.
The lawyer nodded. "Oh, dear."
Xander nodded. "They pushed us. Here, I'm not being pushed that same way. Thankfully."
Fisk's lawyers nodded, looking at the judge. "It's always a bad idea to push on someone unknown. Though, if Mr. Harris does have contact with people who are wanted he should turn them in."
"Would you like the list of terrorists that seem to want me as a lap kitty?" he asked. "I'd gladly love them to go away if you did."
"We'll gladly take that list," the FBI agent said. Xander's lawyer handed that file over. "Oh, more than we thought. He's...oh, dear." He looked at Xander, who shrugged. "He hates gay men."
"No idea why he wants me to be his concubine then," Xander quipped. "Not that I want any of them."
"Let us talk to them, Mr. Harris. You might be the reason that the world is a safer place." Xander smiled at that. Lavelle kept petting him to keep him calm. Someone tried to show up but the demon got glared at by Lavelle and President Xander, who stood up slowly as he pulled a sword off his necklace.
The demon stared at Lavelle then at Xander. "Why?" he demanded. "You cannot not know others of you. It's unholy!"
"We hold a convention," Xander quipped with a grin. "Every year." He stood up and manifested an axe. "Why did you show up to help the other side?"
"If you're taken, you would be easier to conquer."
"Yeah, no," Xander said smugly. "I'm not easy. Just like the other of me with this problem isn't. He's stopped whole realms. Fifty-six of them the last I heard. I can start with yours." The demon fled. He huffed, sitting down to cuddle his axe.
A demon guard appeared and tried to grab him so he fought it off and killed it then glared. "Not cute." The body went to dust and no others appeared. He sat down to wipe his axe off then cuddle it again. "Sorry they were rude, Your Honor, but some demons weren't raised right."
"I can tell." He stared at him. "Where did that one come from, Mr. Harris?"
"Home. I summoned it." He smiled. "It's my baby."
"I can tell." He nodded. "All right. Is Mr. Fisk's bad idea going to end?"
"Yes, Your Honor. We believe it's a bad idea to keep bothering this bothered young man." Xander threw the axe at the next demon that showed up which Lavelle shot at the same time. It died. Went to goo. Xander got up to get his axe to clean again with a sigh. The lawyers all looked like they were going to piss themselves. "Let us not bother this young man again."
"Good idea," the judge agreed. "I'm awarding Mr. Harris half of Mr. Fisk's income for this year." He banged his gavel. "Have a better and safe day, gentlemen." They left together, Xander putting on his belt once they were out of the courtroom. The judge moaned. He was in Fisk's pocket but not even the overlord of the city would want to deal with that stuff. Plus it looked like the agents were going to get there first.
***
Xander was in the park when he ran into Matt Murdock. He leaned down in front of him. "What does Frank need the most?" he asked quietly. "And tell him I've got Dog again. He's safe."
"I can do that, Mr. Harris."
"What does he need?"
"A miracle."
"Would that two mil I got from Fisk for annoying me help?"
"I... his bills won't be that bad. I hope." Xander grinned. "But if you want to pay for me to represent him I can do that."
Xander handed him an envelope. "I was on the way to your office to make sure he didn't have to have a public defender."
"I appreciate him not being an outstanding bill." Xander grinned again. "Are you safe enough to walk around out here?"
"Yeah. INTERPOL got a lot of terrorists with the FBI recently thanks to Fisk giving them my name. Though I do need to get rid of another present. One just came today and it's super tacky. Almost as bad as the jeweled taxidermy animals or the bejeweled skull." He walked off again. "Have a better day."
"You as well." He tucked that envelope into his jacket pocket so it wouldn't get lost. He went right to the bank. Any extra he'd donate to a good charity in Hell's Kitchen. He'd think about what that present was but he didn't need a headache today.
Xander found an agent and stared at them. "FBI?" he guessed. The guy nodded slowly. "I'm Xander Harris."
"I've heard the gossip."
"One of the ones they tried to bust recently sent me something super tacky. Nearly as bad as jeweled taxidermy animals. Would they like it since I'll have a fit if I have to look at it again?"
"We can show up to look at it."
Xander grinned. "Please." He walked off, going home. The girls were staring at that present in horrified awe. "Yeah, that thing. And the other one." He went to get it and let the agents in, he checked the presents, getting another one. "From the same guy. I sent back a few 'not interested' letters." He handed them over. "The other's in the kitchen upstairs." They went up the escalator and found that present.
The lead agent stared at it. "That's very disturbing."
Xander came up nodding. "Yeah. The other two I didn't even open. No idea how bad it is." He put them on the counter so they could open them once they had gloves on.
The lesser agent looked at the first one. "This one's been deactivated? It had a launcher."
Xander looked then sniffed it. "Cocaine. Which will make me a bit twitchy but I heal very fast." He put it back down and handed over a plastic bag.
The others got opened and the lead agent stared at one thing. "That's a tongue."
Xander looked. "Is that a human tongue?"
"Yes, apparently."
"Huh. Is there a note so we can find out whose tongue?" It got found and he looked at it. "Oh, that's interesting. Hey, Clint?" He came down the stairs. He showed him the note. "That says that's Crispin's tongue. We've seen him and he was talking."
"I'm going to figure that out," he decided. "We can test it against his DNA on file." He smiled. "I'm SHIELD Agent Barton."
"Heard about you," the lead agent said. "Can we do that quietly?"
Xander called Agent Crill. "It's Xander. We just opened a present that said it's Agent Crispin's tongue. Please. Thank you, Agent Crill. No, Clint's here and so are FBI agents. No, that guy in Bulgaria. Again. Thank you, Crill. We're about to harvest berries if you want some." He hung up and grinned at Clint, who smirked back. "That's the first guy I was to report these sort to."
"That's fine," the lead agent said. "It's a good thing. We can work with him." Clint nodded, giving them the proper number and office address for that. They took the presents back to the office to go over.
***
Agent Crill walked up to the main office with a smirk. "Director, we've got an infiltration."
Nick Fury raised his head to stare at him. "An infiltration?" he demanded. "Why?"
"Harris got sent a tongue with the name of the agent it belonged to. The FBI lab agreed it was his based on the DNA on file. Our lab said the one running around isn't him."
"That's an infiltration. Who?"
"Crispin. Who is trapped in the bathroom on three. He's locked himself in there when he heard the rumors that Xander was taking to other agents about some of his presents."
Fury smiled. "That's very good to know, Agent Crill. The ones who have him there?"
"I set the whole rookie class to watch that door. That way he doesn't get out. I told them he was pretending to be an agent."
"That's sweet of you to give them a training exercise." He got up. "Let me go see who that really is." He strolled down there, nodding at the maintenance team to open the door. They did and he looked at the agent. "So, let's talk about your real name."
The guy looked at him. "I'm Agent Crispin!"
"Your DNA doesn't say that."
The guy looked around then at him. "I...." He started to pull his gun but one of the rookies came in to get it from him and haul him up to walk off.
"Interrogation room. Whichever is closest." They went to watch how that went. They needed to see one anyway.
Harris gave such nice presents to SHIELD. Especially with how many terrorists had just went down thanks to wanting the boy's ass as their favorite toy and treat.
The End.
New Housing Temples of Chaos.