Buffy looked at her girls. "No, all of you who aren't patrol cleared, go back to safety. This is a huge battle if it opens."
"You'll need us," one said. "We volunteered."
"I don't care. There'll need to be great slayers later. If we need you, the coven can send you back." They nodded at that decision. She looked at the remaining ones. "They have a bomb on the hellmouth." The girls all nodded they had heard. "Even Xander's got plans in case. This was some idiot's grand plan to take all the slayers out." A few shuddered. "Just like with the Vatican but a different source this time, ladies." She looked around the area then at them. "If we start getting fired on, you girls leave and I'll last ditch it." They nodded at that. "I'll miss you," she said, choking up. "But this is my damn hellmouth and it'll die with me." They hugged her and got ready for it.
***
The president hung up. "There's bombs on both hellmouths," he told Stark.
"I've seen the film. I have no idea who designed it but it's not one I've seen on the market or off-list." He looked at him. "Those vials may be liquid explosives or they may be something like a radioactive liquid. I wouldn't think a germ sample would matter."
"Good to know. How far do we need to evacuate?"
"All of it if possible."
"It's not. That'll take too long."
"Blast radius is probably about eighty feet but it's straight up. It's shaped to blow in a cone with the point of force being on the hellmouth's spot." He drew that out. "If it works, and I can't be certain because I know almost nothing about hellmouths, it'll be a mess and the evacuation may depend on how many of the demons pouring out they can kill."
"Will a counter explosion close it?"
"He's going to rip the portal," Stark said. "Not close it. Ripping it will mean it fragments so no demons can get out unless they're tiny. Then it can be buried or shut." The president nodded, not liking that. "It's the best option we have. I've done some hypotheticals about it and that's your best bet to close it quickly and suddenly. It'll also be a light show and it'll probably kill anyone in the park. He knows that though."
"Damn," the president said. "I'm going to gut that bastard."
"Xander wanted to punch him in the nose." He grinned. "Let me hit Cleveland. They'll need more help." The president nodded so he walked out and took off from the side lawn to fly there.
The president called in all his advisors. They had been waiting because of this emergency. "It's bad." The senior senators for Ohio and California came in. "It's real bad." He handed over the emails. "Cleveland's being evacuated. There's bombs on both hellmouths."
"The international ones?" his head of the CIA asked.
"Ask Fury." He walked off calling him. "I hadn't thought about them." That director shook his head. "He's sure?"
"He had people he knows in the intelligence groups there look. He did say that Harris' plan could force a weak spot to rip into a new hellmouth."
"Where is it?" he asked.
"There's a few places that people think are weakened, sir. We're not sure," his science advisor said, pulling up a list. "We've been looking at the way it forms and how. We've identified sixteen spots that could open someday. There may be more." He let him see the list.
The president looked then nodded. "Okay. Warn them. Quietly." His head of the CIA nodded. They could talk to their counterparts easily enough. "Is that one in southern Russia?"
"Yes," he said. "Which I think would be poetic justice. Another's about sixty miles from Rome." He smiled a bit. "I'm sure they're going to be pleased." He took his tablet back.
"Probably not. They're going to crucify someone in the real one's place," he said, taking the emails back. "Right now we have girls in each location. Summers on her home turf, Harris in Cleveland. The rest are still in hiding."
"Whatever group of demented lovers Xander has is watching over them," his head of the FBI said. "We noted them moving the girls and asked why. They told us so we gave over the ones we're watching because they're having problems with various issues that the Council can't stop. Things like the NID idiots."
"I say we feed them to a kraken," the head of the CIA said. The head Joint Chief nodded he agreed. "So we back them up? We make sure everyone knows that taking that price on the slayers' heads will get them killed back?"
"Cancel it however you can," the president said. "I doubt they can pay for it anyway." They nodded and went to spread the proper news so no one would panic. His Chief of Staff called a press conference to alert them so they could get their people out of there. Not that it'd fully work. Reporters were known to stick around during battles to get tape, even if they'd die too.
***
Natasha finished strapping her former mentor down and handed him to one of Xander's friends. "Xander said he's under brainwashing."
"We heard." She looked at her. "Most of them are in Sunnydale. Xander, a few girls, and Stark's heading to Cleveland." She winced. "They both have devices."
"How many girls at each?" Steve asked.
"Less than they'll need but Xander has saved out some seriously heavy stuff to rip the hellmouth in just the wrong way so it won't close but it's unable to be active."
"I heard the plan," Natasha said. She looked at Steve.
"I'll hit Cleveland."
"I'll hit Sunnydale. We can improvise a way to put the weapon there." They nodded and the former agent called Willow to have her move them. She looked around. A handful of girls. The Avengers minus Stark and Steve. This was not good. "Buffy, let's look at that weapon." Buffy turned to stare at her. "Maybe we can find a way to get it in there without you walking in there."
"It seemed to work for Spike," she said quietly.
"While you both share the same hair crimes, you're not a vampire," she said dryly. Buffy smiled a tiny bit, showing her the weapon. "Is this going to be heavy enough?"
"Xander thought so. Maybe. He said this one's weaker than the one for Cleveland."
"That makes sense. It will close it faster to help protect the civilians." She called someone. "We need to augment a weapon. Yes, for Sunnydale. How strong is Xander's?" She listened then nodded. "You're sure it's the full thing?" She heard and nodded once. "Okay. Please. We may need an airstrike with a bunker buster instead." Buffy looked so hopeful. She looked around. "Get the girls to Cleveland. We can burn this one." She stood up. "Have Xander attach it to his." Buffy called Willow, who sent them there. "Hill, send in a plane with a small yield nuke," she said quietly. "Enough to shatter the hole." She hung up. Clint fired a tracer arrow into the hellmouth's crater so they could find it exactly. It'd have to be exact. She got taken with the last few of the Avengers. Only Bruce was left. Willow and the coven brought him specially. "You good?" she asked.
"I'm okay," he agreed. They went toward the park. It was very quiet so hopefully the evacuation had been done well enough.
"Not even the Red Skull was this fanatically stupid," Steve said quietly. They found Xander waiting. He was bleeding for some reason. "Harris, do you need replaced?"
"Nope," he said. "It's my duty." He looked at them. "Go home, guys. The world needs you guys more than it needs me." Clint slapped him on the back of the head. "Hey!"
"No self-sacrificing noble shit, Xander," Clint said firmly. "Not right now." Xander stared at him. "Really. No. Not allowed. We'll all fight and if we die, it was meant to be."
"No! Hell no! People need you guys to believe things will get better. Me and Buffy and the girls end up reminding them that things are bad." A few of the slayers flinched at that. "Take the girls and go! I can send the bomb into the hole."
"Yay. Suck it up," Clint ordered.
"Guys, want a room?" Bruce asked.
Clint and Xander both scowled at him. "Not compatible," Clint said. "Sorry, Doc." He looked over at the hellmouth. It had just exploded. Xander texted Willow but Clint took the phone to put into his vest. "No. Guys, get the bomb into the hole." He looked at Buffy. "When they start coming out, layer the girls with us."
Xander pointed. "They usually run in that direction. Very few species run to the right or right at us. Behind it is a lot of trees. They block easy access. The city planted them when they heard about the hellmouth." They nodded and Steve layered the girls and the team. Plus the agents that had stepped in. Xander nearly sniffled since they had help. Though this is not how he wanted to go out. Solo, so the girls were protected, not with a bunch of people watching him and making him doubt what he should be doing.
Natasha swatted him on the arm. "Do not think about it. Stark can get it there and out of range safest." Xander stared at her. "Really." They put the two weapons together. The kraken and the demons were fighting about who was going to get to come out. They could hear the kraken screaming in rage and the sound of demons dying. Stark landed and took the weapon to cobble together and upgrade so it was stronger. By then, the demons had won and they were coming out, with a few tentacles following. Xander stepped in, pulling his axe off his necklace to get to work. The slayers were working in their areas as things came into them. "Need a stake," he called. "Someone hit a branch for me?"
Natasha grabbed one from a backup agent and tossed at him. Xander had to dive to catch it but it worked and got stuck in his waistband. They moved on and were getting closer to the hole. Very few demons had gotten past them, and none had gotten past SHIELD yet. Though, a few bigger ones were climbing out. "Buffy," Natasha called and pointed.
She looked and winced. "Beheading." Xander nodded, rushing forward to handle it for her since she didn't have a sword. He tossed her his necklace so she could have it. "Xander!"
"Hush, woman!"
"Fine, grump." The slayers laughed.
Stark crowed. "Got it," he shouted. "Back off!"
"We can't without letting them have an opening!" Buffy shouted back. "There's too many, Stark! Just do it!"
He used his repulsors to shoot heads off most of the demons. The girls ran, the agents ran after them, and then the Avengers. Then there was Xander. Stark couldn't take his out, he was in the way.
Clint fired an arrow at it, grazing Xander's neck but oh well. The demon screamed. Xander took the opportunity to cut it on the stomach to disembowel it then behead it when it fell down. They got Xander out of the way and Stark flew the bomb in, dropped it, and flew off, letting it detonate. They still had demons so they had to clean up the mess. Mostly large, dangerous demons. With a lot of teeth. "I'm never seeing a dentist again," Clint said. "These guys must be their favorite clients."
"That's a mental image I don't want since they give birth from their mouths," Buffy called. "So maybe they're the mother of dentists."
"Damn glad I don't go," Xander quipped, taking a swing at another demon. This one died. He heard an agent scream and go down. He found him and a big problem. "Girls, vampires. Take them. Let us handle these!" They rushed over to handle the group of vampires who were taking advantage of this mess. He and the agents went back to hacking at the demons. "Fuck I want artillery," he muttered, rubbing his sore shoulder. "I really, really want artillery." Clint looked over, smirking some as he fired off another explosive tipped arrow. "Don't you want artillery?"
"Yup. It'd be handy. Got any?"
"Not on me. Bruce disarmed my pants before he had them washed."
"Those little boxes weren't good luck charms?" Stark called over.
"No, they were an emergency kit."
"They're on the washer," Stark quipped. "Damn it, I could use them."
A helicopter flew past and dropped boxes of artillery cases. Mostly in front of the demons on the side they were fighting but some landed behind the demons. Xander ducked under a swing, dodged two more, got injured by another three, but got the box he wanted and opened it to blow up the section he had just dodged through. He fired on the demons from that side with whatever had been dropped over there. Clint and Natasha had the other artillery things. Cap was fighting with the demons that were trying to get the agents who only had guns and knives. When he was out of artillery, Xander limped over to help.
"Go sit down," Steve shouted. "You're injured."
"Like this is new?" Buffy snorted. "He's done this many times, Captain. It's not an apocalypse battle if Xander's not hurt and fighting anyway."
"Shut up, wench," Xander ordered, scowling at her while ducking a blow at his head. "Hey, that already hurts. The assassin and I went 'round a few times." He kicked that demon back then pulled his axe off his back to go at these ones. He was knocked down and had to roll away from the claws that were trying to rip open his chest, but he kicked the demon back and got up to get away from it. Stark blew it away from him. He nodded his thanks and kept going.
Then there was a bright light.
***
Xander woke up with a moan, holding his head. He noticed the feel of the IV in his hand. He noticed he was in an infirmary because it was way too white to be anything but a place in hell for special people. He tried to sit up and couldn't because something heavy was across his chest. He blinked at it then undid the strap and sat up, checking himself over. Stitches. Tape around his ribs. Bandage on his head. Bandages on both legs and one arm. Small bandage on his stomach. Most of his back was covered by one. He felt dizzy. A nurse walked in already scowling. "How much blood did I lose?"
"Not that much. Lay down, Harris."
"Where am I?"
"SHIELD."
He looked around then at her. "Bullshit. The infirmary at SHIELD isn't this roomy or this white." She backed off. "Where. Am. I?"
"You're with SHIELD. This is a special base," she said. He glared. "You are!" She ran out of the room. He had been growling.
Xander got off the bed and wobbled, patting himself down. No phone, no weapons. Not in the drawer next to him. No clothes. Hospital gowns don't count for clothes; they were open in the back. He looked around and shrugged, finding the marks that Willow had put on him during his roadtrip; the marks were in case he had gotten into too much trouble so she could yank him home. Willow always did underestimate him. He landed at home, in Sunnydale. Then he blinked and he was in SHIELD's actual infirmary. "Hey," he said to Hill then passed out again.
"You are not the man I want to fall at my feet, Harris," she said. A radiation alarm went off. "Let me guess, he was in Sunnydale?"
"Briefly, it's not real strong," one of the nurses said since she had the machine to read that. "They did a nice patching up job but he's missing blood I think. He's very pale. Vampires?"
"Or someone wanted his blood," Clint said dryly. He glared at Hill. She didn't back down. "Didn't we say not to test his blood?" He helped the nurses get him onto the bed then went back to his own at the continuing scowls aimed at his head. The nurses stripped and cleaned Xander down then redid the bandages.
Kate leaned her head around the door. "Hey, Clint. You better?"
"I'm fine, girlie girl. Xander's back."
"That's great. Maybe Darcy will quit fussing." She came in to look at Clint. "Next time, let me help," she said quietly.
"Even if I had, Xander would've sent you off because of your age."
She sat on the foot of his bed. "Maybe but I could've argued with him."
"He's used to teenage girls," he said dryly. "There's almost nothing more stubborn than they've made him."
"Maybe but I'm good," she said with a grin. She looked over. "He looks rough. I saw the footage they recovered from the reporter's camera after they found his ...remains."
"There were three demons piled on him when he fell. His axe?" he asked Hill.
"Being taken care of by the weapons team." She looked at Kate then at him. She shook her head. "Boys like Xander don't like nice girls like you, Bishop."
"I don't want to date him, I want to learn from him."
"That's not a bad thing," she decided. "I'll let you marinate in your pain," she said then left.
"Thanks," Clint called sarcastically. "At least she didn't leave new paperwork."
Kate looked around. "Where's the Captain?"
"He took off to handle that assassin that had Xander before he got sent to the battle site."
She shook her head. "Oh, dear." He grinned. "I'm going to have to tell Darcy so she can fuss."
"He likes Darcy fussing. Go ahead." She called her then hung up. "Everyone else?"
"At the Tower going 'ow' as they try to move. Even Banner is."
"The Hulk took on a ball of fists that was the size of the Sears Tower. I'm sure he is sore." He shifted. She helped by adjusting his sheet for him. "Thanks, Katie," he said quietly.
"It's good to have someone to fuss over you too, Clint. By the way, your dog is insane." She hopped off the end of the bed and walked off. "I'll tell them they've found Xander." He nodded and waved. She grinned, going back to the tower. They already knew, because Stark had hacked into the infirmary cameras.
Bruce smiled at her. "He wasn't quite as big as the Sears tower. Maybe this highrise but not Sears."
She hugged him. "Green guy needs to be hugged for that like you do for figuring up how much pressure it'd take on the fly, Doc." She went into the kitchen. "I'm warming you up some soup."
"Thank you," he called. Maybe Xander had a point about being fussed over being nice. Not that the slayers would fuss over Xander. They had tried to nag when they had gotten him to the ER. Not what a wounded hero needs at all. He had decided Clint was right, Xander needed saved from the girls and a really good boyfriend or girlfriend to take care of him.
Tony came off the elevator. "I finally remembered all his tiny boxes of supposed emergency kit. Now they're in the safe in my lab." He shook his head, going into the kitchen. He smirked. "Are you making everyone food like you're the mommy?" he asked sarcastically.
She pinched him on the cheek. "You'd only be so lucky to have me as your sibling, Stark." She smiled. "I'm making Bruce soup. Would you like me to warm some up for you too?"
"No, I'm not into soup." He looked around and pointed.
"They won't let me fuss over Clint so....." She shrugged. "This way at least I get to use his range here."
He snorted. "Fine, Bishop. Use his range and his apartment if he'll let you. Is the dog here? My lab 'bots all liked playing with him for some reason."
"Yeah. He's napping on Clint's bed pouting that he's not allowed in the infirmary."
"The evil bitches there might skin you and the dog if you brought him in."
"Then they're really going to yell about the guy who came in to kiss Xander that has a ferret and a monkey," Bruce called.
Kate brought him his soup. "Not too too hot." He smiled and sipped, relaxing. She looked at the guy on the image. "Is he a bad guy? Clint said only dangerous ones like Xander and Hill thinks it's only dangerous bad guys."
Tony came out with new coffee and looked. "I'd say so. He's on at least one wanted list somewhere." He called Clint's phone, which woke him.
On the large tv, Clint glared at the visitor. The visitor scowled back. He said something mean to Clint that they couldn't see on the screen and the audio pickups didn't get because the closed captioning Bruce had it on didn't come up. Clint shot back that at least they hadn't had to do a last ditch plan and Xander was still there for him to sob on. He looked at Xander, who nodded that had been the plan. That got Xander cuddled and petted. And yup, there were the nurses glaring at them. One tried to remove the ferret but the chimp bit her and threw a fit until Xander sat up to pet it. Then it calmed down and presented him with the ferret, which didn't really want to cuddle but got one with the chimp anyway. He laid back down, letting his ex comfort him.
"Awww," Kate cooed.
Hill stomped in with three agents. The guy smoke bombed them and left with his pets before they could catch him. Clint looked at Xander. "Maybe we should go to a real hospital so your ex's don't have to sneak in here," the closed captioning said.
"I can go home," Xander said, starting to move.
"Lay back down," Clint ordered.
"I'm good. I'm fine. Really I'm fine."
"Lay back down anyway," he ordered. Clint got up and forced Xander back onto the bed then sat on him. "Stay. You're more injured than I am. You have to stay. The nurses here are evil bitches and will hurt you for trying to leave before they're ready to get rid of you. I've had one stab me before because I was trying to leave."
"Only because you tried to stab her to get out," Hill complained. "We can strap him down so we can do brain scans, see what's wrong with his."
Xander looked over at her. "Wow, aren't you a PMS'ing bitch today, Hill," Xander said. "Did someone steal your donuts?" Which was probably said in a coo by the look on his face. "Or are you still mad that you're not badass enough to be one of mine?"
She glared. "You'd think being around women all the time you'd treat them better."
"You're not a slayer, just a normal woman," he said. "You get what you give. Bitch at me and get it back, baby."
"Xander," Clint complained.
"I only treat the slayers like ladies. The rest of the women in my life get that when they act like it." He looked up. "Can you maybe get off the sore spot on my stomach?" Clint moved. "Thanks. Was a bit sore."
Clint looked. "I think I ripped it on you. Shit." He had to flip off the bed to get away from the nurse. "Sorry, Xander."
"I'll pay you back later." He caught the nurse's hand. "Don't do that." She huffed but went back to it. He caught her hands again. "No! Bad nurse! Go sit in the corner!" He shoved her off and stood up. "Bandage," he said.
"Lay back down!" the nurse ordered with a point. "I will sedate you."
He shrugged. "Most of them don't work right on me. Sure you can do that and try to kill me with it, but I know a lot more interesting ways to die. Including sex if I can catch my ex before he leaves the city." She blushed. "Bandage? Clothes?"
"No. Lay down." Xander shrugged and hugged Clint. Then he walked around Hill and out. The nurses tried to catch him but he managed to avoid everyone except for Fury since Fury walked him in there and slung him at his bed. So Xander nicely threw something at him that made him scream. Then Xander snuck out again.
Clint shook his head. "I think the director would like to have his favorite leather coat not eaten." The nurses helped him out of it and they put stuff on it to stop the stuff from eating it. Hill was shaking her head as she walked off. Clint looked up at the camera and mouthed 'save me'.
"Wow, he's a lot tougher than most people think," Kate said.
"Barton or Xander?" Bruce asked.
"Both but Xander. I didn't know he was part ninja."
"He probably got some ninja skills sexually transmitted," Stark joked, heading off. "Let me find where he is before his ex's kidnap him from the street."
"Probably too late," Kate quipped. She looked at Bruce. "I have the rest on low warm in there."
"Please." She took his mug and got him the rest of the soup then handed it back. He smiled. "Thank you, Kate. Go have fun on Hawkeye's range."
She winked. "Of course I do." She headed down to get the dog so they could play on the range. Lucky liked to fetch the ones she shot.
Bruce got comfortable and relaxed again. Watching Xander was a fun thing as long as you weren't involved. Being involved in keeping him in the infirmary drove you nuts.
***
Buffy called Xander's phone, getting Clint. "Where is our stupid guy-type person?" she asked on the speaker since he had it on there.
"Malaysia with two ex's and helping Cap."
"Is he still injured?"
"No but he's probably still being babied and cuddled. Guys like Xander need that stuff sometimes. Especially since they're the only ones who remember his birthday outside me."
"It was? I thought it was in January."
"That was Willow's doing."
"Oh, never mind then. We missed Xander's birthday."
"It was in January," Willow said faintly from that end.
"Clint said that's your thing, not reality."
"It is not!"
"I've seen his birth certificate," Clint said, sipping his coffee. "Yes it is. And they misspelled his father's name on it."
"That figures. They were probably too drunk to get it right," Buffy said. "Anyway, the girls wanted sparring time with Xander to prove they were good. Can we find him and tell him to come home to baby the minis?"
"I can tell him to come back but aren't you in England? He was taking over the US houses."
"He can stay in the US. I can ship them there. Maybe. They might like to be on a boat."
"Finish the lawsuit."
"We have. They're still going. It's probably not going to be anytime soon. But hey, the press over here only camps out. None of them try to get into the store with me when I go bra shopping."
Clint shook his head. "I'll warn Xander about that."
"Sure, but I'm sure they don't pay attention to him anyway. Oh, can you tell Stark that we need to know the name of someone who can do DNA stuff over here please? Someone saw a picture of a mini and started to say that we kidnaped her kid. So we need to have one done."
"With the old Council that doesn't surprise me any. Yeah, I can ask him for a name for you after I tell Xander a few of the girls want to spar." Lucky barked. "Hey, dog." He petted him. "Have a good nap?"
"Awww, you have a puppy? Is it cute?" Buffy asked.
"Pizza Dog's very nice."
"You named your dog Pizza Dog?"
"He loves pizza."
"Is he part turtle?"
"No. He belonged to the stupid thugs that keep trying the building."
"Oh, them. I'd offer to help but you know we can't hurt humans."
"I know, Buffy."
"You should rename him something cool, like Bowser or something. We have Bowser the turtle and I'm not sure why."
"Isn't Bowser from one of the Mario Brother games? Because he was a turtle who was a bad guy." Buffy would probably pout if she could see the look he was giving the phone for her airheadedness coming back.
"Really? Huh. I didn't know that. Well, still, he needs a cooler name, Clint."
"I'm not going to rename him after all this time, Buffy. It'd be like changing the name of a toddler."
"Fine. Next dog, name it something cooler?"
"We'll see. Each pet gets named for something in their personality, the same way you do children."
"I'd never name a kid Pizza Kid." She laughed. "Though it's cute and Willow just made a face and shook her head. Clint's puppy is named Pizza Dog, Willow."
"He should pick up a baby name book before it's too late."
"He said it is."
"Aww, poor thing."
"Hush, Willow. He's a good dog and he likes his name. I'll call Stark as soon as you hang up, Buffy."
"Oh, yeah, thanks." She hung up.
Clint dialed Stark from his phone. "Buffy wanted the name of a DNA guy over there since a new parent just came out of the woodwork to claim one of the mini slayers. England. Thanks. Cooing over my dog but I got a lot of nagging about his name. No, Arrow was what he *was* named. Now he's Pizza Dog or Lucky." He hung up, looking at his dog. "They just don't understand, do they?" The dog barked and patted him on the thigh with a paw. He petted him with a grin. "That's a good boy."
Someone knocked then leaned in. "Did I leave anything here?" Xander asked.
Clint held up his phone. "You didn't bring anything the last time, Xander. One of the girls wanted you to spar."
"I heard and told her she's too young to spar because she's nine." Clint grinned. "She was pushing back at the bullies that she was going to be a great slayer some day. We had virtual ice cream and hugs, then I told her how to prank the bullies back." He took his phone. "Let me go back to my post."
"Nat?"
"Still working on the deprogramming. Steve's still pretty uptight about it."
"Why?" he asked.
"Because the guy used to be his friend."
"Like, before he got frozen?"
"Yeah."
"Ooooh, so he was the one who helped train Nat."
"Yup." He grinned. "He's very confused. When he saw me he asked why I had a battle axe. I expanded it and introduced him to it. He walked off shaking his head." He grinned. "He'll get right-brained soon though. She's stubborn that way. Let me get back to Cleveland before the agents get too comfy on our couch." He hugged him then the dog before leaving.
Clint looked at his dog. "You know he'll be back. Xander always pops up." The dog nudged the door fully closed. Clint looked out the window when he heard an explosion. "I think the bro-dudes got him again." He went down to see what had happened this time. The mob guys were yelling at the top of their lungs about suddenly being dark purple. Not dyed because it hadn't changed their clothes, but all their skin was dark purple, even when they pulled out their clothes to check. "Interesting. You guys might just make me hate purple."
"Bro, this is not cool, bro!" one of the mob guys shouted. "How dare that guy do this to us, bro! We're going to mess him up!"
"I'm sure you will. He's going to Cleveland to take up heading the slayer house. Want directions?" He sipped his coffee. He was trying so hard not to grin or smirk at them.
"Bro, this is not good! And hell no, we don't go near that freaky stuff, bro! No way! We might get eaten or something! You need to correct that goofy boy, bro, before we have to hurt him the next time he visits you."
Clint nodded. "I'll warn him about that." Something else went off. Clint backed away from the cloud. Now instead of being purple they were more red. Still just the skin but red/purple. "Huh. I wonder how he did that," he told the dog, who seemed to shrug. "I have to find out. I know a few people who'd like that." He walked off laughing. The Bro-Coat Mafia 0, Xander 2. It was a great day to be Xander's friend. It really was. Even when a car sped up around the corner and SHIELD agents spilled out to grab him. "People, don't hurt my dog or spill my coffee and my bow's upstairs if I need it."
"You don't, sir," one said, getting the dog into the car with them. "Director Fury wanted an immediate meeting."
"Yay." He sipped his coffee and let the dog lay on his lap for now. He'd figure out what this was about later on he guessed. Though he did text Xander to see what he had used on the mob guys. No answer. "Is this about Xander?"
"No idea, sir, and most of us are really scared of him. And scared of how upset he made Agent Hill."
"Only dangerous, deadly ones like him and Hill barely tolerates him." He sipped his coffee.
"Some women get those sort of moods," one of the guys said. They walked him into the office and left him.
"If you had sent a text message I would've come."
"Uh-huh. We're going to be doing something nice today."
"Are you sick?" he demanded dryly. "I can call Banner to see what exotic poison they injected you with, sir." He finished his coffee and put his mug on the desk.
"No, I'm not sick, just fixing an issue."
"I'm on medical leave but if it's for a mission I can do that."
"It's not exactly a mission."
Clint stared at him. "Anytime you get evasive, it's a bad thing, sir. I had enough of that already. So get to the point."
"Fine, Barton. You're being useful today." Someone hit Clint on the back of the head. "Don't do brain damage," he ordered. "Romanoff will kill you. Get him ready and make sure we have Harris." He stared down at the growling. "I heard he got a dog. Go with your human. We're not going to hurt him." The dog bit the agent coming for Clint, making him yelp.
"Sir," Agent Hill said from the doorway. "Down, Pizza Dog." He growled at her too. She stared at him. "Don't make me call Bishop to come get you." He bit the next person reaching for Clint. "He should name you after Romanoff. We're taking him to Xander," she said. The dog still growled. Someone got a tranq dart and hit the dog with it. "Thank you. Very smart." They took Clint and his dog to the room they needed him in. It's not like they were going to hurt them. Just...handle some issues.
Fury smirked. "Still think it's a bad plan?"
"Yes, I do." She walked off. "I'll pull Barton's file for when he sends in his resignation letter and joins Harris to be an evil overlord."
"I'm sure he won't. It can help the slayers. They like bows." He turned to look out his office window. It wasn't his most complicated plan ever but it was a good one.
***
Clint came to standing upright for a change. He blinked and shoved the guys holding him off. "What the hell are you doing?" he demanded.
"Helping you get dressed, Agent Barton. Director's orders, sir."
Clint glared then looked at himself. Nice suit. "Why do I need a suit? Why did I need to be knocked out to put on a suit? The last I knew I could dress myself very well."
"Because," Fury said as he walked in. "I said so." He looked him over. "Not bad. Bit crooked." The agents fussed at it until Clint decked one and then kicked the other. "Calm down, Barton. By the way, I love your dog. He's in the next room with Bishop. On a leash, like all dogs should be."
Clint glared at him. "What the hell are you up to, Fury?"
"You're going to solve a huge problem for the world and calm it the fuck down." He pointed. "You can go of your own free will or you can go at gunpoint. Your choice."
"I'm not going anywhere."
"Uh-huh. Keep yapping. You're gonna be late." He pointed again. "Let's. Go."
"Fuck you."
"Fine." He pulled his gun. "Not like you being a tiny bit injured won't make Harris calm down too. He likes to fuss from what we've heard."
"What?" Clint demanded.
"You're going to cure the biggest problem the world has today, Xander Harris and his bouncy dumbass nature. Even the president liked this idea, Barton. So therefore you're not on medical leave, you're on your honeymoon. Now, let's go. His sedative will wear off in a few minutes and if you're there we can get this done faster." Clint glared. "I can still wound you. Then you'd be weaker on your honeymoon." He waved the gun. The two agents grabbed Clint and dragged him out there. Fury followed, putting his gun in the back of Clint's skull. "Be a good bird."
Xander blinked over at him from where an agent was holding him up. "Clint? What's going on? These guys grabbed me and it wasn't even for sex."
"They're going to marry us."
"Oh." He nodded. Then he looked at the guys around him. "Clint and I would never work. Sorry." He hit something on his watch then decked one of the agents. The other struggled but Xander had gotten the guy's knife and had stabbed him, then tossed it to Clint so he could help. "Hey, Fury, I knew it had to have a dumbass behind all this somewhere," he said, then attacked him. Fury sneered and tried to hit him back. Xander and Fury were pretty evenly matched.
Kate finished picking the locks on her handcuffs. She looked around. "Xander, book," she said, tossing him a thick one. He used it to hit at Fury, who only laughed. The agent sitting on Kate tried to stop her but the dog bit him, making him scream. Kate kicked the bench to break it, then tossed that at Xander. He was pretty good with a stake.
Hill rushed in. "Harris, it was his plan but please don't kill him," she begged.
"Shut the fuck up," Clint ordered, glaring at her. He kicked at Fury, helping Xander. His agents were down. The one that had gotten Kate from school and handcuffed her so she couldn't help them was down. That left Fury. Who wasn't wanting to go down and stay down. He looked at Kate. School uniform. "They disarm you?"
"Not fully." She pulled something out of her hair. "Explosive hairpin?"
"I love those. I'm so glad Stark got them made." He set it off and threw it at Fury, which made him scream as it went off near his head. It also made him duck, which he and Xander took advantage of. Kate was handling Hill for now. Finally Fury was down and bleeding. Clint hauled on Xander's arm before he could kill him. "C'mon, your girls are going to worry."
Xander unhit the button on his watch. "Probably. C'mon, Pizza Dog." He petted him. "You did very good. Very, very good to protect the Kate kitten."
She groaned. "Xander!"
He grinned. "What? It fits."
"Shut up." She was smiling and blushing a bit. She walked over Hill's body. "I really need to change out of my school uniform. It's not exactly cool."
Xander looked at her. "Better than the public school one that the slayers have in England. Theirs has tweed."
"Eww, even worse than wool." She shook her head. They ran to the car that was outside and jumped in. Clint hotwired it. Xander called someone. Kate petted the dog for now to calm him down. He finally wiggled up to sit beside Clint, getting hugged by him as they drove off.
***
Clint walked into Stark's lab. "We may need sanctuary from SHIELD."
"Why?" he asked, turning to look at him. "Kate. Dog. Xander."
"Now I know where I rate," Xander joked. "Fury just tried to marry us off against our wills. I woke up to agents holding me. Clint had a gun in the back of his head."
"Fury had me in handcuffs and the dog on a choke chain with me holding him so he quit biting agents," Kate said. "He lost his mind."
"He said the president agreed it was a good idea," Clint said.
"So going to campaign against him," Xander muttered, shaking his head.
Kate looked at him. "Are you still high from the sedative?"
"Maybe. Maybe I'm just being a bit zen at the moment. To all people an asskicking will come," he said dryly, smirking at her. "And if it comes from me, so be it."
"Please don't call the camp," Clint begged. "I like part of SHIELD."
Xander looked at him. "Including the part that has certain people in deep hiding from you?"
"I've seen my ex," he said. Xander shook his head that it wasn't her. "Who do they have?"
"Sit." Clint stared at him. "Paula found evidence that you didn't bury Stoic Guy."
"Excuse me?" Tony Stark demanded, standing up. "We didn't?" There was only one guy who could be described that way that knew Clint at SHIELD.
"No. He's in one of the sublevels. They cloned him a new heart or something." He shrugged. Then he called because Clint looked pissed. "Paula, me, can you please email Clint everything you have on Coulson? No, I had to activate it because I wasn't sure we were going to be able to get out of the chapel Fury had us in to marry my ass off to Clint. No, not Kate. That'd be cute, she's sweet and I can spar with her and teach her stuff, but no, he wanted Clint." He listened. "I thought....oh, that. Please. Even that, yeah. And thank Natasha too." He hung up. "Natasha sent you a few things," he told Kate. "Some of the more ancient weapons that I have there in case the slayers need them." She grinned. "They're training versions so you can learn how to use them."
"I'd adore that. Thank you, Xander." She hugged him. The dog lapped them both. "I like you too, Lucky." She cuddled him.
Clint took a deep breath. "Does Nat know?"
"Not unless someone there told her." Stark turned and got into Clint's email. He had to reload it a few times but then it popped up. He put it up onto the main virtual screen and Clint stared at the video that had been included. "Isn't that him? Paula said it was. I only saw him the once and from the side."
"That's him," Clint said quietly. "Where?"
"The secret base in Virginia."
Stark looked at the rest of the information, pulling it up and then minimizing it when he had read it. "This is not good." He looked at Clint. "We can get him."
"We are getting him. Fury's injured. Hill was knocked out by Kate." Stark hugged her for that. "We can go now?"
"We can go now." He looked at Xander and Kate. "Stay."
"Screw you, Stark. I'm on a team of my own," Kate reminded him. "Let me put on clothes. Even there, a schoolgirl outfit would get me stared at." She and Clint went to the gym to put on their uniforms.
Xander shrugged. "I can dog sit. I know I'm not an agent."
"Thanks, kid. Go watch some tv or something." Xander nodded, taking the dog with him, removing the choke collar and chain in the elevator. Stark had a quiet fit then went to put on his armor. This was not good. Very not good. He sent a message to Steve's phone to call him as soon as he got that, but in about an hour. By then he'd know something.
***
Xander was in the infirmary when they got back. "Here, guys, I prepped a bed for him just in case. All clean sheets and nice IV full of good stuff." He came over to help, checking him over. "Did you knock him out?"
"He passed out," Stark said. "Someone else's low powered laser hit him in the arm and knocked him out."
"Okay." Xander helped strip him and then laid the IV for them. "That's what they give me when I'm unconscious. Want me to turn on the CT?" He pointed at it.
"Not yet," Clint said. "The dog?"
"Napping on your bed. He got tired of entertainment shows. I didn't know someone was stalking me earlier. They never said anything. They caught the kidnaping by agents very nicely."
Clint smirked. "You tell them anything?"
"No. Giles talks to the press. I growl at them." He grinned. "Bandages?" he asked, holding up the box. Clint nodded, letting Xander help him out of his vest to clean up the new grazes he had. Kate walked in. Xander whistled at the tummy bearing black outfit. "Wow, way to go, comic book outfit." She blushed. He smirked. "Still too underage for me, Kate."
"I am not." She came to check on Coulson. "Should we call a real doctor?"
"I'm really good at field medicine. Someone had to treat me when I was in Africa," he said dryly. "That and I learned at home from Willow's mom's textbooks just like she did. She actually has a pretty good hand at stitches when I needed them."
Kate hugged him. "It sucks that you had that bad of parents, Xander. You and every kid need great parents. But you still turned out super special and great." He hugged her back.
"Aww," Stark said. Xander smirked at him over her shoulder. "Though I agree, Bishop. Can that top be any shorter?"
She smirked. "Yes. It can be. Someone suggested I wear a real comic book outfit, including the boob baring bikini-like top and the spandex panties look, with thigh high boots of course." Xander snickered, shaking his head. "I know, *so* not me." She waved a hand.
"Wow. I didn't realize you were a Kennedy."
"She's nothing like Kennedy," Clint assured him. "Even if she could sneer on Kennedy's father." He looked at the confused archer girl. "Kennedy was a slayer. She was a spoiled princess slayer from New York society."
"Kennedy.... I think I knew her. Huh. We had wondered why she dropped out of school and quit going to events. I was younger then." She shrugged. "I'm not spoiled at all. My mom did a great job."
Xander smiled. "That's always a good thing for the world. Hers...screwed up somewhere. She was *special*."
"Nor am I a Hilton," she said dryly. He grinned and hugged her again then they both got to work on Clint's grazes and her few grazes.
"Sir, that requested call," the AI said. "Mr. Harris, there's a tube of antibiotic ointment behind you."
"Cool." He found it to use.
"Stark," Tony said, using the phone up there. "Because we found Coulson alive. No, rescued," he promised. "Here at the tower in the infirmary. Someone's laser knocked him out. Oh, and they stopped Fury marrying Clint and Xander off. Fury's injured. Hill's limping and looks ready to cry." He looked at the dog that was sneaking in. "Someone finally rinsed off the blood on you." Xander nodded he had. "Yeah, he's okay. Just out of it. I've made sure, Steve. Yup, when you get back." He hung up. "He'll tell Natasha."
"Thanks," Clint said. "He was our handler," he said when Kate looked at him. "Loki killed him before the invasion."
She nodded. "That's a special bond." She patted him on the wrist. "You want some staring alone time?"
"Nah, I'm good. I'm getting used to it in my head." He looked at Xander. "Call people to make sure you're not suddenly wanted for staking Fury?"
"I already did. I'm not. Buffy called the president to bitch at him about that plan. Giles talked to his new buddy in the press. So we're good so far. Or I'm going back to Malaysia to turn into a real overlord sort." He grinned.
Clint smirked back. "Then we'd have to stop you, Xander."
"I work for the good of the world. Otherwise I'd be an evil overlord sort."
"Good point," Stark said, shaking his head as he walked off. "I'm getting some water. Barton, Bishop?"
"I'm good, thanks though," Kate said.
"I'm fine, Stark," Clint said. "Go have a meltdown." Stark glared at him mildly but did go to finish his fit from earlier. This was not good and Stark hated Coulson but not that much. Xander patted Clint to keep him calm. When Coulson first started to groan, Clint stood up and walked over so he could see him.
Coulson blinked, clearing up the images. It went from fuzzy to...Clint. "You died in the battle," he said quietly. "All the team did."
"You died before the battle," he said. "Feel okay? Want Xander to turn on the CT, sir?"
"No. I'm good. Slight headache and an ache in my arm."
"One of your dweebs hit you with a low powered laser," Kate said. Xander was leaning next to her with the dog.
Coulson looked at her. "I don't know you yet."
"Kate Bishop. I took over Clint's name when he was ...off being a ninja and stuff."
Coulson blinked at Clint. "I did not hear about that."
"I think the reason you didn't hear about it might be out of surgery by now," Xander said dryly. "Especially since he tried to force me to marry Clint earlier today."
Coulson shook his head slowly. "I doubt that would work, Harris."
Xander grinned. "Clint's like my brother so his future spouse can call me by name."
Coulson looked at him. "What?"
"Don't worry about it, sir." He helped him sit up. "The others know, except maybe Bruce."
"No, I called where he's working," Xander said. "He went for a long walk because he told me to just tell him and not try to soften it then he'd call back when he was done being green and ugly. He said he only changed halfway but he's calm now and coming back in about three days or so. Depending on when he can get a flight."
Clint grinned. "Thanks, Xander. Nat and Steve?"
"Natasha got told and went totally still for a moment then she tried to spar. Her new friend stepped in to spare the other guys and she beat him pretty badly but he's still walking. Limping, unable to pee or lift stuff, but walking. Steve is still quiet from what they've said." He pointed at the extra camera. "I put that up so they could see from the camp."
"What camp?" Coulson asked.
"Some of his ex's banded together to make a unit to back up the slayers, sir," Clint said with a grin for him. "It's a really nice agent, assassin, and commando group. They helped a lot when Russia put a hit out on the slayers."
"I'm told the President punched him for me. Pity, I wanted to do that myself. But they have given up a junior official who supposedly put that up due to the influence of a rogue priest. So basically what the Vatican did when it tried to kill all the slayers, only that one got charged with setting bombs into the hellmouths to kill humanity as well."
"What sort of blackmail did they have on him?" Kate asked.
"They might've screwed with his memories until he thinks he did it," Clint said.
"Or they could've used him to post everything and now they're expecting he won't talk or he won't make it to trial," Xander said. "Guys like that, they don't leave loose ends."
She nodded. "I've seen that."
Coulson shook his head. "Why Malaysia?"
"Not a lot of oversight," Xander quipped with a grin. "Lots of little islands. The people who set it up had land there."
"That makes sense then." He looked at Clint. "Are you all right? Beyond the grazes."
"Sore knuckles. I hit Fury a few times while getting away from the marriage of convenience hell." Coulson stared at him. "Seriously! I woke up in a room with agents putting me into a suit, and then Fury came in to tell me what was going on and walked me out there at gunpoint. Xander was coming out of his sedative." Xander yawned and nodded. "We destroyed the base chapel. Xander staked Fury. We took out eight agents."
"I took out the guy that had me there in handcuffs and had put a choke chain on the dog," Kate said. "He helped too."
"He helped when I got kidnaped and taken to SHIELD too. I got knocked out and was coming to when they tranq darted him because he was biting people. Then the air gun went off and I went black too. Fury was very obtuse and almost seemed nervous."
Coulson nodded. "I'll talk to Director Fury in a few days. Once everyone's calmed down and caught up. Bishop, knock Harris out so he can rest."
Xander flapped a hand. "I'm good. Just off injury leave." He hopped off the bed. "Want me to take Pizza Dog home and babysit him there, Clint?"
"What did you use on them?"
Xander grinned. "Trade secret." He winked and walked off with the dog. "C'mon, I'll take you home so you can eat puppy food and I can taunt the idiot bro guys."
Kate grinned. "I like how he's taking care of the Bro-Coat Mafia guys," she quipped. She slid off the bed. "Let me head home for a few hours. Call if you need more backup, Clint." She patted him on the arm. "Nice to meet you, Agent Coulson." She shook his hand. "I hope we get to work together some day. Clint's said some nice things about you." She left, sharing a cab with Xander.
Coulson looked at him. "You did?"
"It'll take someone like you to work with her, sir." He grinned. "I like Kate. She's a good Hawkeye."
"I look forward to helping her train to do the job then."
"She doesn't want to kill unless it's in a battle and necessary."
"There's places for agents like that as well." He looked around then at his IV then back at Clint. "Stark?" He nodded. "How is he?"
"Calming down from his fit. He threw a major fit that no one had told us," he said quietly. "I think he missed you too."
Coulson nodded. "There were a few times I had to think like him to deal with the idiots I'm presently working with. Before I made a new team." Clint grinned. "Relax. I'm not going to disappear. If so, you can shoot them with whatever weapon you want, Clint."
"Thanks, Phil." He hopped up onto the foot of the bed to help him calm down and recenter. It was a big shock for both of them.
***
Xander walked into his camp's main building, heading for the kitchen because it was nearly dinner and Natasha was hiding in there. Everyone who had seen him had pointed this way without saying anything. She looked over from stirring a pot. "Possum?" he guessed after looking.
She snorted. "Monkey."
"Cool. Haven't had it in a while." She cracked a smile. He put the tiny device in his hands on the counter and hit the button to pop up the top, which turned into a screen. "I think that's for you." He took over stirring. "Aww, not monkey. Chicken." He added some pepper to it and went back to stirring.
She picked up the device. "Clint? Problems?"
"No. Just wanted to say hi." He grinned and turned the camera.
Coulson's face came up. "Natasha, you are alive."
She stared. "They told you we were dead?" He nodded. "Yet it was in the media and things."
"I never saw a newspaper. As soon as I was well enough, I was given a new team to put together and pound on until they worked. We were so deep underground I never saw sunlight. If I had known," he said then paused and sighed a bit. "If I had known, my team would've been in New York, breaking us all out."
She smiled slightly and nodded. "Thank you."
"You're welcome."
"When are you coming home?" Clint asked. "We want you to come home."
"Soon. He's nearly healed."
"So it's him?" She nodded. "Anything good?"
"Xander, no more salt," she ordered. "Steve and he are working on things."
"Why?" Phil asked. "Or who?"
"The Winter Soldier," she said. Phil winced. "Who was one of Steve's teammates." Phil gaped. She nodded.
"That's Bucky?" he demanded.
"Yes."
"Oh, dear."
"Oh, yes," Xander said dryly. "Speaking of, quit lurking, Barnes. Come help me carry this huge ass pot of soup she made while thinking."
"Fine," he said, coming in to get it for him. "Wow, super heavy."
"I need to strain it, boys," she complained.
"No you don't," Bucky said. "We can pick out the herbs." She scowled at him. "We can. We're big boys too, Natasha."
"Don't piss her off," Xander said quietly. "She's still having a bad shock. That's who she's talking to." He looked back. "If Clint's going to have the prophylactic marriage to make sure Fury can't do it again, invite me."
"You are, and it's in a few days," Clint said. "Not that we need that sort of condom."
"It's a just in case in this case," Natasha said then shook her head. "I'll be there." He grinned at her. "Need anything?"
"The dog's getting used to him but it's okay. Unless you wanted to take Xander's fun playing with the Russian mob guys outside my building."
She snorted. "Most of them are very dumb thugs."
"Yes, they are," Xander called. "The Bro-Coat Mafia is horribly dumb. And now approaching human colored again as the stuff I used is wearing out."
Natasha looked over at Xander then shook her head. "I don't want to know. Bro-Coat Mafia?"
"You just have to experience them," Clint said dryly.
"I nearly beat one without my wits," Coulson agreed. "They have very little skills."
"Then they might be fun toys." She smiled. "I will be there the day after tomorrow." They nodded and she shut the lid, looking over. "Thank you, Xander."
"You're very welcome." He grinned at her. "I brought you chocolate and cookies too because I'm around girls way too often and I know the special significance of them."
She smiled. "I'll get them later." She strained the soup and let them put it out for dinner. Steve came in. "Coulson is fine and they're going to be having a party in a few days," she said quietly when he came into the kitchen.
"I'd love to go to it. Bucky?"
"Yeah?" He looked over.
"Want to go back to New York? It's a lot different."
"I've been there a few times," he admitted. "But sure. She said Clint was nice enough."
Xander nodded. "Sometimes he's like my big brother."
Bucky looked at him. "You need sanity."
"I need laid," Xander said dryly. "Sanity got sucked out years ago by the slayers. You can't repair that once it's broken." He grinned. "I talked to the girls about why I wasn't there yet and they all agreed I needed to marry Clint, even when I told them he had someone better than me for him. So they're trying to fix me up with an agent or someone now."
The other assassins and agents in the room all laughed. "We'll talk with them," one promised. "They can't pick their own, much less one for you, Xander." Xander grinned. "You free tonight?"
"Yup. I sure am." That got a few happy growls. "Sparring and whoever wins against me?" They all smiled and nodded. Xander was still sore, they could win easily. Especially since he never fought them very hard.
Natasha shook her head, looking at Steve. "This is the Xander I usually see when we run into him in the field."
"I can see why." He settled in to eat and talk to the other people. They were interesting, they were helping humanity, and it was good to get to know the people on his side. Even if Xander was turning into an evil overlord slowly and carefully.
***
A Few Months Later
***
Xander walked up to Clint's front stoop, where Kate was pouting. "What's wrong?"
"Coulson's weird. He handed me a key."
"In most parts of the world, people who are climbing through a window usually try to snatch someone. Maybe he thinks you'll steal him away from Clint."
She smirked. "Not likely. He's got some sort of strange mushiness disease that's infecting his brainpan. Clint didn't even want to shoot arrows the other day."
"Hey, you gotta have time for nookie," Xander said dryly. "It's important, especially when you're married."
"I've only dated, never got that far yet," she quipped. "Oh, no."
Xander looked over then shook his head. "I take it they're still a problem?" She nodded. "Huh."
The mobsters spotted him and stared. "It's said that you speak Russian."
"I do." He grinned. "I speak Russian fairly well. Why?"
"Someone said you had tamed the Black Widow."
Xander burst out laughing. "I doubt that would ever happen, dude."
"Bro," one started.
"No, bro is a term of endearment between you and best male friends. Dude is for everyone," Xander corrected. "Get it right, guys. You sound like you're with the mob." He stared at them.
"So?" one sneered.
Xander shook his head. "Which is why you'll never be more than two bit thugs. Real businessmen fit in with their host country and they speak the native language. Or else how do you know when they're insulting you behind your back?" He said something in Russian and one of them choked. "Do you know how to say that in English?"
"We know how to swear just fine. We learned from movies."
"It. There's an 'it' in there. I spent way too long teaching the slayers languages to let that drop near me." He stared at them. "Sounding like a thug means that you'll never be the big money sort. They all speak their business partner's language so there's no misunderstandings and there's no way that they don't understand when their opponents underestimate them. Maybe some ESL classes would help you fit in better. And a new wardrobe. Because you look like you work for two bit thugs and you sound like you are two bit thugs. That means you're never going to go higher."
"He's right. All the agents at SHIELD are multilingual in case they have to go somewhere to kill someone," Kate agreed.
"Such a pretty thing," a young guy that they hadn't seen before said. "I'm called Rawdog."
Xander snapped at him in Russian. "Do not say that around innocent young women!" he shouted in English. "Do you even know what that means?"
"It means I'm good to my ladies." Xander walked over to hiss in his ear. He shook his head quickly. "Not like that, no. I like normal things."
Xander stared at him. "Which is why you need to learn the language better. How do you expect to find a cute American girl who'll marry you to let you stay in the country since I doubt you have a green card?"
"Some girls go for foreign guys but's it's always guys built like models or guys who are into college stuff," Kate agreed, watching the master at work. She had never thought about psychological refinement of their pain-in-the-ass problems. "Not plain guys or guys who only own track suits and act like bad porn actors."
The mob guys looked at each other. "You think that would help our business?"
Xander nodded. "I do. I also think that you could go past petty extortion with it. Because if you can't speak the language, you can't threaten properly in it. I've got a gun isn't a threat in the US, it's a statement of fact." They sighed but nodded, walking off. "Look into ESL classes. There's tons of places you can get them, including a lot of libraries. They also offer GED classes, so you can get a diploma of some sort. Girls like that." They nodded that might be nice.
Clint leaned out his window, staring down at him. "Quit helping them be better thugs, Xander. It makes them harder to catch."
"Sorry, couldn't help it. I do it for the slayers." He shrugged. He looked at Natasha when she walked over to them. He thought he had left her back at the base so he could come pout at Clint while she reported to Hill. "They were saying we're dating and I've tamed you. You might want to stop that rumor."
She quirked an eyebrow up. "Why did this come up?"
"They learned a bit of respect I guess." He grinned. "They asked."
"I see."
"Xander, are you sure you're not dating?" Kate asked.
"No, because she wouldn't go to dinner with me when I asked," he said. "I tried to make sure because I got weird mixed messages from her. She never wants to go to dinner with me so therefore we can't be dating." He looked at her. "If that were to change, I'd hope she'd tell me since apparently I'm missing girl clues." She scowled at him. "You are more complicated than the slayers, Natasha."
"I'm a woman like them."
"Yes, but you're a complicated woman. A slayer can be cheered up with chocolate. I'm still trying to figure out your happy making point." He moved closer. "If we are dating and you do tell me, I'll gladly go back to figuring that out."
"I did not want to go to those restaurants. I don't really like Asian food."
"There's a local tribal event in a few days," he offered with a grin. "Dinner, some native dancing and storytelling? It's at the Bolivian embassy."
She smiled slightly and tipped her head. "That may be interesting to experience." He grinned. "Sometimes you do not read women well."
"It's the lack of a vagina," he said dryly. "It really is."
She nodded. "Many men have that problem. You get closer."
"If you don't tell me these things then how am I supposed to know to start remembering things, like when birthdays are? All I know is that you kept turning me down."
"Perhaps I was too hasty." She patted him on the cheek. "You do not know when my birthday is."
"You'll tell me when it is." He smiled. "That way I can remember it. As well as our first date tomorrow night at 7?"
She nodded. "I can accept that." He hugged her. "No PDA. I'm not that sort of woman."
"That'll take some getting used to."
"Speaking of Anya, would it be permissible to perhaps lessen her shrine a tiny bit?" she asked quietly. "Not removing it but perhaps making it fit within the intended space instead of taking over the closet doorway as well?"
"I can see that." She nodded and smiled, kissing him on the cheek. He grinned at her for it. "I have to talk to a few history people though. Anya's original diary is in there and a few other things from her original life."
"Maybe Jane Foster will know someone. She's due up soon."
"I miss hanging with Darcy."
"She is very energetic like the slayers," she said. She walked back to where Kate, and now Coulson and Clint were sitting.
"She finally told me we were dating," Xander said happily. Natasha rolled her eyes.
"She's complicated that way," Clint said with a grin for her. "It's part of her nature to tease."
Xander grinned at her. "I like being teased sometimes."
"I only do that at work. Dating is not work, Xander."
"True. That means I have to move the axe off the bed, doesn't it."
She looked at him and nodded. "If only because it's dangerous and you get cut occasionally."
Kate looked at him. "You sleep with your axe?"
"I don't have a dog and we're not sleeping together at this time. What better thing to cuddle up to when you have nightmares?"
She shook her head. Clint nodded. "I've done that a few times. It's comforting."
"As long as he's not whacking off to it," Kate decided with a shrug.
Xander blushed. "I'm not into bloodplay and aren't you too young for that?"
"No!" She swatted him on the arm. "I'm not. Nor am I that young."
Coulson cleared his throat. "Yes you are. You're barely legal." Xander looked at him. "She is."
"Uh-huh." He looked at her. "When are you going to come spar with the slayers?"
"Next week when I'm on spring break. It'll be better than bikini time on the beach flirting with the college guys."
"More than I needed to know," Clint said quickly.
"It's cute how big brother he gets," Xander quipped back with a grin for Kate.
"It is cute but he's good at it."
"He is. He's a good one for me too."
Natasha patted him on the back. "It was a long flight," she told Clint.
"Want to come upstairs, play with the dog?"
"I don't need drool. The person on my other side was."
Xander looked at her. "I offered to upgrade you from business to first class."
"Did you guys finally straighten out the airlines?" Kate asked.
"No, we used a foreign one. The court case on that is next week. And during it we're due to have a major attack on Cleveland."
Clint shook his head. "Need the team to help?"
"We should have it. We think."
"The local agents have started to step in now and then," Natasha said. "It's nice. Even though it takes forever to get an ambulance anywhere near a slayer, even if they've found someone while on patrol."
Xander nodded. "We talked with the Mayor about that yesterday and added how it was nice she was suing the city since her injuries weren't supernatural related but they had fussed so long that she nearly died from the stabbing her mugger did. He's talking to his people."
"Good," she agreed.
Steve drove up on his motorcycle, staring at them. "I heard you were up here, Xander and Natasha. Checking in?"
"Running away from angsty slayers," Xander said. "They're all in pre-prom mode even if they're not the ones going. I had to remind them that much chocolate meant they couldn't get into their dresses." Steve grinned. "Really. It's been nothing but candy recently." He looked at Clint. "Save me?"
"I can do that," he promised. He smiled. "Fury's back to normal. He apologized for it."
"I didn't get one. Apparently he only cares about you," Xander said dryly.
"He thought you might try to stake him again," Coulson said. "He and I had a talk, Xander. It was well intentioned but seriously out of line."
Xander nodded. "Yes it was." He smiled. "He nearly tipped me into going to Malaysia to stay and run things." Clint shuddered. "I would've had to let them help me with the bad ideas too."
Natasha patted him on the shoulder. "We will see how to cure those." He smirked at her. "Not tonight but we will see sometime soon."
"Whenever you're ready." He kissed her on the cheek. "Behind you," he whispered.
She glanced back then groaned. "Wonderful." She turned and threw a knife at the idiot in the plastic mask with the gun. He went down with a scream. She walked over to take back her knife. "I'm with SHIELD." He wet himself. "What was your grand plan?"
"One of you has money," he whined. "I was going to rob her. Maybe hold her hostage for ransom."
Xander looked over. Then at Kate. Who shrugged. "Not the first one ever but they're always dumb."
Xander nodded. "Yeah, they are."
Coulson looked at the guy. "Xander's worth more than Miss Bishop," he said dryly.
"I am?" Xander asked.
"He is?" Kate asked.
"I've stopped the email hacking and we have an appointment with the lawyer tomorrow morning," Natasha said, looking at him. "Willow is quite sorry and fighting a virus that even Stark can't defeat and kill yet." She smiled slightly.
"Who?" he asked quietly, walking over.
"A few. They were meeting and it was attacked." He grimaced. "We had to point out that you had nothing to do with it when someone said you did. That they were friends of yours and you would avenge them. Instead they died for different reasons." He smiled. "It has been handled but it was recently probated. I caught Willow hacking and dealt with her harshly." Xander kissed her, making her moan. "Not in public," she ordered.
"You cover my back very well," he said in Russian. "Thank you."
She smiled. "It is what one does when they are dating, even if their men do not realize it."
"All you had to do was say 'what about' and name a restaurant."
She smirked. "I will remember that." She pinched him on the cheek. "Be less groping, Xander."
"I can try." He looked at the guy, who was staring. "Do I need to find my axe?" He shook his head frantically and wiggled backward until he could get up and run off. "Thanks," he called with a wave at his back and a grin. "You have a happy life as a priest or something good for humanity, okay?" He walked her back there.
Clint was shaking his head but smiling. "Sometimes you're really weird, Xander."
"I try," he quipped. He heard a roar and looked around then up. "Huh. It's going to stomp the building. Go around the buildings!" he shouted. "Don't step on them! They'll try to make me fix them!" The demon grunted at him. He repeated it in one of the trade tongues he had learned. The demon looked down then nodded and walked around the buildings, heading downtown. He grinned at the staring agents. "He's harmless, just really tall."
Coulson flipped open his phone to call that in. When he paused at a nearby hospital a few people panicked, and one nearby church called everyone in to pray, but he was happily babbling at his new grandson when agents pulled up. Coulson closed his phone, looking at Xander. "He just had a grandson."
"Awww, that's great news. Their kind are really beneficial. They live under mountain ranges and help filter water." Coulson sent that to one of the agents directly. They promised they wouldn't hurt him or his new grandchild. They even helped her check out of the hospital and get out of harm's way since there was a group of people trying to storm the hospital to kill them. Xander shook his head. "They need to get some big, scary looking mofo that plays football or something to go on the air and make a PSA about being scary looking not being the same as dangerous."
He sent that idea to Giles in a text and the news with it. He sent back a 'yell a congratulations for me' and 'I'll think about adding to the public information on demons'. Xander called the local bar he knew of. "Giles said to pass on all our congrats on the big guy's new grandson. We hope it's healthy, has a long life, and has no problems finding a mate." He smiled. "That's what I was thinking, yeah. No, I warned it not to step on buildings. Thanks, dude." He hung up.
"Some day, I want all your contacts," Clint said with a grin.
"Me too," Coulson agreed. "I don't have the first idea who to call outside the slayers to figure out suddenly appearing demons." He pointed.
Xander looked then shrugged. "That's just Fred/Illyria. Hey, Fred!"
"Xander, please quit," she said sternly.
"Sorry, Illyria, I wasn't sure if you were being Fred today or not. What's up?"
She walked over. "I wish to meet with this Stark person over the possibility of getting my priests better connected to their present reality."
"There's guys within Stark that help groups get connected and help them buy the right systems for their needs," Coulson said. "We can have one of them contact you. Stark himself does not do any negotiating or anything."
"It's a pity. That man would be the star of my harem." She smiled at Xander, patting him on the cheek. "You have very thoughtful friends."
"I try, that way I make up for Buffy and Willow."
She smirked. "Yes, they probably do." She patted him on the cheek again. "What are you doing later?"
"Taking my new girlfriend out to dinner with our friends." He smiled at her.
"Hmm. I have heard much of your skills but I have time to wait to test them myself." She nodded at Kate. "He will do a young one such as yourself good. You can learn much from him."
"He's dating Natasha," she said with a point. "I just spar with him to learn that stuff."
She studied her. "I would have expected that Willow drove you away from redheads. You usually seem to avoid them but this one is smart and looks tough, Xander. Clearly your type." She smirked at her. "I'm the God-King Illyria."
"I'm the Black Widow."
"Ah!" She hugged her. "I saw you on the battles. A very fine warrior and fit to make Xander quit bouncing. A wise choice of you to pick him." She let her go and kissed her on the cheek. "If you keep him, it will hopefully be a happy union."
"Third date, Illyria, and she denied me wanting to date her for years," Xander said. He grinned at her. "Wait a year then bless us with a happy union."
"I can do such."
Coulson held out a paper with a phone number written on it. "That's the person who does the corporate and group sales within Stark. Pepper Potts said that he's free all week so call and he'll come out to your compound. It's near LA I'm assuming?"
"It is. Though I do not totally like that area. It reminds me some of hell." She shrugged. "Thank you, Mortal."
"This is Agent Phil Coulson," Xander said. "Mate to my friend Clint Barton." He pointed at him. "That is Kate Bishop, who is the other Hawkeye."
"Interesting. It's good you still work with warrior women since the slayers are pouty."
"That's why I'm taking a weekend from the house," he said dryly. "Before they drive me to evil again."
Illyria laughed. "You, evil, Xander?"
He grinned. "Me very evil. I canceled everyone's hair, nail, pedicure, massage, everything appointments because the girls were bitchy, not practicing, and giving me hell. There is no pampering at all in the house until I'm satisfied that they're acting old enough to enjoy it."
Illyria laughed. "That would be evil to a slayer."
"Oh, I canceled dates. I nearly canceled their spring planting dance," he said dryly with an evil grin.
"Ooh." She shivered. "That would be mean. The slayers need such events to find meaningless sexual release to celebrate such events. Perhaps the new girlfriend will be good to you later to cure those."
Xander smirked. "Still only our third date, Illyria. If she wants, I'll make her happy. If she wants to wait, I can do that too. I leave that up to my lovers."
"That is why I have heard you were so good to them. Well, I will see how this one goes." She nodded at Coulson. "Thank you for finding that information for me." She disappeared.
"Like ancient demon god-king?" Kate asked quietly. Xander nodded. "How?"
"That's Fred's body. Angel rescued Fred from a demon dimension she accidentally fell into. She was a slave there. Illyria's minions joined them."
Kate nodded. "You guys do really weird things."
Xander grinned. "It's normal to us."
"We can cure that funny mood," Clint said. "Sundaes?"
"Sure, I like ice cream," Kate agreed. Xander nodded he did too. They walked off together to get ice cream so Xander could calm down. Coulson sent a nice text to Mr. Giles about Xander taking the weekend off before he slipped fully evil, and said that he'd be safe in New York with his new girlfriend. He got back a 'cure him somehow' answer. He showed Natasha. She snorted but she had ideas on how to cure Xander being so bouncy and odd.
The End.
Not That Sort of Friends.