Offspring In A New Life. by Voracity2

Offspring In A New Life.

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Xander and Clay walked into the meeting room. He dropped something in front of Giles on his way around his seat. "For the higher idiots who wanted reports they have no rights to want. You can tell them to bite me too."

"Not sleep well, Xander?" Giles asked.

Clay snorted, shaking his head. "Two reporters kept trying to get in. I pulled a gun on them and got them taken away by the NYPD. Then one snuck back into Xander's room so we got to wait on the ambulance to come pick her up because Xander's pretty damn good at throwing knives."

"Thanks for teaching me, James."

"Welcome, kid."

Xander looked down at him. "You're not that much older than my physically."

"Don't start." He smirked.

"You don't start and I won't have to finish it."

"Boys," Stark complained. "Down, puppies."

Xander barked but smirked at him. "I nicely ripped apart the piece of your gear that we found in someone's possession. I needed it to make a huge bomb so we burned the parts we didn't use."

"Thank you. What was it?" Xander tossed over his phone once he had pulled up the picture. "Few years old." He tossed it back. "Thanks, kid."

"Welcome, old fart." Stark grinned. "You're old enough to be my dad, unlike those two." He shrugged, looking at Buffy. "How are the girls?"

"When are you coming home?" Buffy asked.

"Never. Cleveland isn't my home. It will never be my home. I don't like cities." She stared at him. "I don't. I don't like tiny, no high-rise cities like Marakesh. I'm not going to live in Cleveland. Ever. Sorry but no."

"It's our home, Xander."

"It's *your* home, Buffy. Not mine. I don't like Cleveland." He saw James get up to take a phone call outside from the corner of his eye.

"So?" she demanded. "You need to come home before you turn evil or something."

He stared at her. "A week in Cleveland and I'd prove how evil I could be when I blow the fuck out of the problems that'd be giving me shit." She flinched, shaking her head. "Yeah, Xander does that when he has to. That's what those sort understand. Everyone knows that if you touch a slayer, someone shows up to beat them to death. Hancock does the same thing. So do Bert and Ernie or whatever their names are in South America. Our response to threats starts with 'hell no', goes to 'fuck you', and then some form of weapon."

"That's not the Council way," she said coolly.

He stared at her. "It's kept all the mini slayers and Sarji off the menu of many things and groups. Including those that got Amaya and raped her." She went pale and shuddered. "Africa's civilized in different ways, Buffy. Most of the world isn't like the US or England. Most of the world runs on a predator's hierarchy. The bigger, the badder, the better protected you are until someone challenges you. Weaker get absorbed or sold. Or killed. Most of the world sees women as toys or pawns, not really necessary or strong beings. We've had to protect even the youngest baby ones more than once."

She slumped, shaking her head. "It's still not the slayer way."

"It is in the bush because that means the slayers survive and don't die. Isn't that still the first rule?"

"That's gotta be a guy thing," she sneered, glaring at him.

He stared back. "Don't make me come across this table and smack you," he said quietly. "I had to spend part of yesterday night defending a village with an older seer and others. I'm not in the mood for this shit." She glared. He stood up and walked down the table. "I'm going to end her pissing contest by sitting down here before I feel the need to punch someone. May I?" he asked Steve.

"Sure, Xander. Which village?"

"Gaia's." He sat down. Giles spluttered and choked. Xander grinned. "She's a very ancient earth goddess sort."

"As in the Greek one?" he squeaked.

"No," Xander lied. "African goddess, Giles."

"Oh." He calmed himself down. "Is she the one that trained your shaman gifts?"

"No, those were shaman. She makes me eat and sometimes babysit and all sorts of stuff. The shaman I'm helping train is in her village."

"So she's an ancient demon queen?" Buffy demanded.

"No," Xander said. "She's an ancient African Goddess. Not all of them are demons or don't you remember the battle in DC when we had Demeter and Ares show up." She huffed and sat down again. "Go find one of the new guys and date, Buffy. Please? Before the apocalypse?"

"Xander," Giles warned.

"It'll help everyone. She gets tense before apocalypse battles. The girls get more tense because she is. Andrew starts to have magical accidents while putting up subconscious protections. It'd be for the good of everyone if you gave her a harem of stress relief buddies to handle it before the big things so everyone else could calm down too. Before her paranoia sets off mine."

"That's not nice, Xander Harris," Buffy sneered. "You probably have one."

"No. I haven't had sex in months. Not since my strange vacation I got forced on." He stared at her. "Then again I take time for the stress relief and you don't. Go. Jump. Wade. He's not bad at it." She shuddered. "Really, he's not. And he's your type too. Dangerous, a bit psychotic, but a purring one when you give him belly scratches. You two would fit really well. If not, this is Colonel Clay. He's just as deadly and dangerous as any of your past dates and he's human. No one would mind if you flirted with him. His whole team would like Clay to find a nice girl like you instead of the one that put a bomb on his car after a one-night-stand because she thought she owned him."

She was bright red. "You need to paddle him until he has manners again before he says that stuff in front of Willow," she told Steve. He cuffed Xander on the back of the head. "Not nearly enough and you still have to come home."

"Cleveland's not home. I have no home," he said, staring at her. "I haven't in years. I don't like cities and half of the people that I'd have to protect I'd rather sneer at because of all the bitching they'd do about being saved. Which is an American thing." She slumped. "I'll stay where I'm appreciated and liked. Thanks."

"Whatever." She huffed and waved a hand. "Why are you even here then?"

"I have no idea beyond the fact I had the vision," he said dryly.

"To blatantly interrupt both sides of nagging," Stark said. "Can we stop this convergence?"

"No. It's a timed event. Every so many centuries it happens. The problem we'll have is that Jane Foster's involved. So we'll see Thor but also Thor's enemies who are going to take out parts of Asgard. Including the palace from what I saw the last time. Did I email you that?" he asked Steve, who nodded, pulling it up for everyone else. "Had it on the plane. Freaked some people out. They thought I was having a seizure or a vision from God and one decided it was his cue to have a holy moment of his own and try to shout about the unholy people on the plane dying. Colonel Clay nicely shut him up so I could go back to sleep."

Giles looked at it. "I've seen that mentioned in a few past journals." He called the Library. "It's me, Willow. Look up the Nine Realms Convergence back about a millennia ago." He listened while she did, putting it on speaker so she could read it to them in really bad German. Stark's phone had a translator so he used it. That helped. "Thank you, dear." He hung up before Buffy could take his phone to talk to her. "Anything of note, Xander? Anything not mentioned?"

"Thor's hammer got very confused. He threw it and it went to another realm and back and into space and back looking for him. It was a very confused mythical weapon and some of our main problems would love to get it during that."

"We can cast protections on that and Thor," Giles assured him. "That way no one can steal it."

"I saw Loki but he's helping," Xander said, leaning on the table, staring at Stark. Then at Steve. "For some reason I saw you for a moment but not at the fight, not sure why. I think it might've been a shape shifter though. He didn't walk right."

"Okay," he agreed. "That's good to know. Where were the rest of us?" Xander shrugged. "No idea?"

"I only saw Jane Foster and Thor, and Jane's assistant, the handmaiden."

"Handmaiden?" Stark asked.

"She looks like a handmaiden of the Earth Mother where we came from. I don't think she was reborn from there like we were but she looks a lot like her."

"Must be Lewis," Stark said, considering it. "Brunette, stacked?" Xander nodded. "Lewis. She's Jane's lab assistant."

"I saw some balding guy running around naked at Stonehenge. When he's caught it'll be a few days before it."

"Could be Selvig," Steve said, considering it. "Stark, do you have his picture?"

"I can look it up." He did a quick search and Xander nodded and pointed. "Okay, that'll give us some warning."

"The problem is that the convergence opens in one area but others are going to use it as a holy sign for a war," Clay said. "Which is probably where you guys are going to be." Xander winced and held his head, leaning it on the table. "Xander?" he called loudly, getting waved at. "Someone get him some ice water. It'll help with the heaving he'll want to do." Xander let out a bitter snort. "What is it, kid?"

Xander blinked at him. "HYDRA's not dead. They don't have their favorite warrior toy but they have others," he said, staring at Steve. Then at Fury. "Want carnations or orchids at your funeral?"

"Send flowers to nursing homes, kid. Bury me nice and neatly and let me lay." Fury stared at him. "Who?"

"I can't tell. It's not anyone I've met. They're in a vehicle. Or part of a vehicle. It's like a demented Iron Man suit but it's a black suit, kinda looks like someone tipped an early model pickup truck on it's hood as an autobot. They're going to have them on their side when they try to do the helicarrier assassination plan." He shrugged and rubbed his head. "It's not the guys we caught. It's the guys who have Loki's scepter. I saw someone fondling it. It's..." He winced. "Not the same research team. Different research, different goals. Trying to crossbreed mutations. Been going since Steve was a toddler." He took the water Clay handed him, gulping it, then got up to go throw up in a trash can. "Ow." He looked at them. "He wants to make a mutant army to be his warriors. Genetics and breeding."

"Anything positive you saw?" Steve asked quietly. "Anything to identify where?"

"I saw Sanaya." Buffy straightened up, nodding at that. "We can search slayers. They may have it covered, they know something about magic thanks to the glowy staff." He sat down. "Sorry, I hate visions."

"I'd hate visions too," Steve said, patting him on the back. "We'll get you under hypnosis later to get as many details as we can."

"Just don't send me to Tahiti." He glared at Fury. "I think they've got similar goals."

"I'll warn that team," he promised. He got up to make that call.

Steve was listening and frowned. "He's talking to Coulson." Stark got up and stomped out there to deal with that. He looked at Xander. "Balding, middle aged male agent, suit and tie."

"I've met Coulson once," he admitted. "And yeah, it was him. Some special serum thingy and he's got a few people with him who probably won't help during this one but if SHIELD fully falls during this, things are going to hell everywhere and HYDRA can take over."

Steve nodded. "I'll be damned. The ones inside the Council?"

"I'll make sure of them," Clay told him. "I have that same sense of I'll be damned about HYDRA, Captain."

"Thank you, Colonel." He smiled. "It's good that so many present officers live up to what my generation's army did." Clay smirked at him for that permission to go rogue to solve things. Fury stomped back in. "He lived?"

"We barely saved him. We weren't sure and it took us three weeks to make sure he lived." Fury stared at him. "He's only recently regained full agent status and by then I couldn't really blurt it out. I've had him as my ace in the hole in case HYDRA does make us fall. Phil's my heir and the missing Avenger."

Steve nodded. "I can agree with the last but that nearly destroyed some of your people, Director. I can't agree with that level of subterfuge."

"He was going to have Ward on his team," Xander said. "I got an over-image of him talking to someone on the plane." He looked at Fury. "If you fall, remember you have things hidden. Like special weapons and special prisoners? Please? Before it becomes our duty to fix?" Fury winced but called in orders. "Thank you. Not that we wouldn't gladly take in the weapons to use during this and other apocalypse battles, but people might get really freaked out if we show up with laser cannons. Or the thing that screwed with gravity?" Fury winced, calling Coulson again to warn about that. They had to move things. Today.

"Fuck," Clay summed up. "Okay, back to the real problem. Let SHIELD handle their own idiots while we work on this one. Then you guys can go handle their idiots with them." Stark nodded, sitting back down. "Where were we, Xander?"

"I saw your team and James dealing with the one in Ghana I think. I think it's in Ghana. Could be down by Jamira's bar."

Clay nodded, making that note. "Far apart but we can listen to rumors." He looked at him. "You need a rest?"

"Sometime this week would be pleasant," he said. "Other than that I just need a hammer to beat back in counterpoint to the drum circle in my head." Buffy dug into her purse and tossed down a small white bottle. "That'll help. Thanks." He took a few and tossed the bottle of midol back. "It'll probably even take care of the swelling in my ankles because of sitting upright again. I'm not used to chairs most of the time anymore." A glass appeared in front of him. He sighed and drank it without question. "Yes, ma'am." It disappeared and he felt someone pat him on the head. "Gaia," he explained. "She's like a mom." Clay grinned. "I ate yesterday."

"You didn't eat more than a sandwich a day for the last week or so," Clay countered. "I will tie you down so Jensen's sister can forcefeed you with Jolene."

"Yes, dear." Clay snorted but looked pleased. "Not that I can't escape."

"Uh-huh." He stared at him. Xander grinned back.

Steve knocked him out. "It must be him going funny from the hunger. He did that during the vacation she made him take."

"We ended up nagging him around the communal area for about two hours before one of his ex's stepped in to make him disappear," Stark said. Steve nodded to back that up. The window blew in and Steve hopped up with Clay right behind him to defend them. Fury and Stark were behind them and Stark moved to cover Xander. The guy was shooting sedative darts but Clay got him down while Steve fought him. Stark looked at him. "Anyone want to claim this one?" Stark asked the room at large.

Steve looked. "He was one of the agents found in the sweep."

"He's not one of the ones we've seen," Buffy said.

Steve's phone beeped. He looked at it. "He annoyed Rumlow so he disposed of him this way. He's a gift." He looked at Fury, who was calling to have him picked up. Steve sent back a 'thank you' and a 'next time don't do it around paranoid people like the ones at the Council, who he was meeting with'. He got back a 'is Xander there' and sent back a cautious 'yes, why'. A minute later, two guys tried to get in through the door to grab Xander. Stark beaned one with his chair. Buffy got the other one down and stomped on him until he begged for mercy.

Buffy smiled at hers. "Xander is ours. You can't have him."

"We want to take him somewhere to take care of him. Really, Miss Summers, we don't want to hurt Xander. Well, the boss might want to castrate him to make sure he's only his but we'd never really hurt Xander."

Clay looked over the table at him. "Xander's destroyed pieces of shit bigger than you before breakfast. You're not worthy of him." The guy pouted. "Your boss, we're gonna have a talk. Jensen adopted the kid." The guy went limp and tried to bite something. "Sure, suicide tooth yourself. I'm pretty sure there's some demons who'll turn you and make you loyal to the Council." The guy quit, eyes wide, staring at Buffy, who was cleaning her nails with a stake. "You sure that's your final answer?"

"Can I go to jail now?"

"Sure," Buffy agreed with a smile. "As soon as Mr. Fury's people get here you can beg for the nice cellmate even. With the way Xander likes buttsex you might too." James walked in and snatched the guy off the floor, dragging him off and ignoring he had knocked Buffy off her feet. "Who is that?" she demanded.

"James," Steve said. "Friend of Xander's. James, we've got him sedated," he called.

"I saw. I'm going to talk to Wilifred and his twin. They're idiots and annoying me by gathering weapons."

"Wow," Buffy said. "That's a manly guy. Maybe he'll teach Xander how to be more manly." She looked at Clay. "Have you tried?"

"He's tougher than me. I'd never go against a whole group of pirates by myself." He sat down. She grimaced. "Especially not a second or third time."

"Don't tell me that," Steve said with a sigh at the end. "James wanted me to teach him how to assault a base better." Fury and Giles both stared at him. He shrugged. "I didn't hear why. That was long before the vacation or that one battle where the new hellmouth was created."

Fury just nodded. "He's nuts." He looked at Giles.

"He's unique but he handles a vast number of situations. Without him the girls in Africa would've died and we never would've met Colonel Clay's team or Mr. Hancock that went to Asia."

"He's really good as the slayer mascot," Buffy agreed. "Even for being normal."

Stark looked at her. "Normal guys have visions? I have to be on the lookout for that." She blushed and ducked her head. He looked at Steve. "Now what?"

"We need to debrief Xander about the vision." Fury nodded. "So we can plan that. We need to make out ways of protecting peaceful areas in London during the convergence and whatever else is going to happen." Fury nodded again.

"We can get you a list of the most likely to be bothered and which slayers we'll put on them," Buffy said. Steve smiled and nodded. "I hate apocalypses. They need to quit happening."

"It would definitely be more cheerful in the girls' lives," Giles agreed with a smile for his slayer.

Stark almost said something but Steve shot him a look so he didn't. Once they had gathered what they needed to and Clay had taken Xander off to rest, plus Buffy had gone, Steve looked at Stark. "He's right. She needs to stay positive for the good of the other slayers," he said quietly. "The same as I do."

"I get that but it's an act."

Steve nodded. "So is my positive, cheery nature sometimes, Tony."

"Point." He stood up. "Are we going to be wrestling with Bucky's old friend later?"

"I'm hoping he gets to sleep. He looked like he could use a few good hours." He stood up and they left, running into Fury outside. "Problems already?"

"Not yet. Not sure it's safe to have Clay and Xander in a hotel suite without guards."

"Then put some on them," Stark said with a shrug. He walked around the fuming federal director and to his limo. Steve followed.

***

Two days later, Xander appeared in a flash of light, only wearing hospital pants and socks, and was tearing at his wrist bracelet with his teeth. "What are you doing?" Tony demanded quietly. It was the middle of the night, he was the only one up.

Xander frowned and looked around. "Sorry. It was supposed to get me somewhere safe." He looked at him. "They wouldn't let me call anyone."

"Who, kid, and what happened? All we heard is you got taken hostage."

"And I got arrested for being taken hostage. I woke up in the prison ward at the hospital with an agent telling me I wasn't allowed to call anyone, even a lawyer, and I was under arrest for being with a known weapons dealer. When I pointed out I had no idea I was there, as I was apparently unconscious, they said that didn't matter."

"Bullshit," Stark said. "Why didn't you call Bucky?"

"He wouldn't let me call anyone, Stark. Not even Giles. I need to get home. Got scissors?"

"Yeah." He rolled over to pull out his pocket knife and cut off the band. "That is a prison band." He tossed it onto the table. "Go upstairs to Steve's suite and take their couch," he said quietly. "We can hide you."

"They were agents. I'm not going to bring that on someone's head. Just...call Giles for me?"

"Go upstairs. We can deal with agents. Fury owes your ass by now."

"He hates me just as much and it might've been his plan."

"Upstairs, go rest. We'd never let them take you in for being a victim." Xander winced at that word. "Just...." Steve walked in. "They arrested him for being kidnaped."

"I heard. JARVIS told me. C'mon, Xander. You can have the couch and we'll deal with it tomorrow."

"I should go hide."

"Yeah but it's better if you beat this one to death in person," he said. He walked Xander up there. They clearly had him partially drugged. He was worried looking and a bit paranoid but complacent. He got him onto the couch and let him cuddle in to sleep. Steve started to call around to see what was going on. Stark sent him a text message so he sneered at it. "Yeah, that's not gonna work." He sent one back. Then he walked into the bathroom calling someone so he wouldn't disturb the kid's rest.

***

At eight am the next morning, black SUV's and sedans pulled up outside the federal building in New York City. Agents in dark suits and sunglasses got out, following the man in the black leather trenchcoat inside the building. Fury glared at the receptionist. "Hold her. She's not a problem but I don't want her to cause one." Agents carefully grabbed her from her desk and pulled her away from it to stand against a wall. They weren't threatening but they were firm and she was not getting to any sort of emergency switch or anything else.

They went up on the elevator and got off on the right floor. "Fan out, find them." He strolled into the head office, sneering at the agent in charge. "I'm Director Fury of SHIELD." The man flinched, sliding his chair back. "You're under arrest with five of your agents for arresting a kidnaping victim for daring to be unconscious. One that's a vital part of world security." He stared at him. "How fucking stupid are you?" The agents in question were brought over. One was missing. "Find the other one."

"He's late, sir, and not noted as taking today off in their system," Hill said, walking up to him. "The President." She handed over a phone on speaker.

"Yes, sir?" he asked.

"Fury, what the heck are you doing?" he demanded.

"I'm executing an arrest warrant for agents that *have* to be dirty with how badly they screwed up in the last week, sir. Including arresting an unconscious kidnaping victim and denying him his basic rights. Also drugging him into a paranoid state that meant Captain Fucking America had to grab his shield to protect himself when the kid started to hallucinate on whatever they gave him."

"One of yours?" the President asked.

"Xander Harris."

"Excuse me?" the President demanded. "The guy with the Council?"

"Yup," Fury said dryly. "His tox panel reads like an interrogation textbook. He was fully unconscious, woke up in the hospital's prison ward in cuffs, and it went downhill from there. I'm not up for letting any agent make my job harder."

"We hate the Council," the President said. "But not that much."

"You'll hate it even more since even demons are beefing up the Council with former HYDRA related agents so they have protectors."

"Damn. We sure why?"

Fury almost smiled at the agents that flinched because the president said a bad word. "Two apocalypse battles in the next ten years. They were all sorted there for a term of ten years."

"Great," the President said and took a drink. "The kid down?"

"Now. Banner had to nearly change to capture him. I can see why he gave so many problems in Africa fits. Hell, if I could turn that guy into my agent I'd be really pleased."

"I wouldn't," the President said. "Did you see the reports he submitted?"

"As he pointed out, anywhere but the US and Europe, it's survival of the fittest and strongest, and girls are pawns," Fury shot back. "I've seen most of what he's done thanks to our sources."

"You saw that he created a hellmouth?"

"We heard shortly after that," Hill said. "Sir, he had to. It was the only way to stop that invasion. Even Hell Missiles couldn't kill those demons pouring out. It was the only way to stop it."

"Frick," the President muttered. "He's dangerous."

"So am I if you make me," Fury reminded him. "Harris is a lot like me junior at times."

"I can see that." The President didn't sound pleased. "This is going to get into the press."

"Too late. One of the slayers is a minor hacker and got into their files on the Council and who the FBI wanted out of their way so they could do the duty themselves."

"Girls shouldn't be warriors," the senior agent declared. "Women don't belong in combat." He sneered at Hill, who punched him. He fell down unconscious.

"Really?" she asked. "That's interesting. I'll have to tell the people who send us on assignment that so I get the easy things instead of terrorist cells."

"Easy, Hill. I know you're just as badass as any slayer," Fury said with a smirk for his second-in-command. "Then again, slayers have had this duty since before we knew how to use tools so I don't think it's a bad idea to back them up."

"No, I like that idea. Calm down Harris, Fury. He's created problems."

"He's solved more than he created and that kept villages and his slayers safe," Fury said. "Most of the ones in Africa are under the cut-off age, sir. Including one that's about three."

"Crap."

"Beyond that, he's not the sort to let it happen in front of him without jumping in."

"I get that. Can you get him a mentor to report to? Would Rogers do that?"

"He and Barnes get on tolerably well. They worked together while Barnes was healing. He'll tell him things if Barnes asks."

"Have Barnes report to Rogers and keep him in better check. He took out part of a military."

Fury looked at Hill. "Which one was that?"

"The one that was stealing villagers and food for a local militia to pay their ransom instead of dealing with them. They took two slayers and Xander went to rescue them. We all believed it was a good idea, even if he did run out of bullets twice and Barnes swore up and down he'd teach him how to properly assault a base."

Fury nodded. "Sounds like something I'd do," he agreed.

"I don't like agents in the US living up to your old style," the President said.

"There's a place for girly agents, sir. The FBI seems to adore them," Fury shot back. "Mine are mostly polite and still manage to kick the amount of ass they need to so the world keeps going. That's one reason why we back up slayers and the FBI doesn't."

"I suppose that's a point. What military team did we lend the Council?"

"One that's honorably discharged thanks to all that Max stuff a few years back," Fury said. "They hired on there and are doing good making Harris do less work. Though they'd never do some of the things he did. They have more options than Harris, who has the option of explosives, guns, or swords."

They could hear the President shuddering. "Fine. Whatever. Just get him a leash holder, a proper education in how to do things, and warn him to be more subtle."

"You didn't hear about any of this until members of Congress wanted him to do reports for them," Hill said. "Which they had no right to expect or want, sir. The Council is a private entity. Congress has nothing to do with them beyond complaining."

"Whatever," the President said. "Those reports are horrifying."

"His daily ones are a bit more bleak considering it looks like that old tv show about the traveling monk," Hill said dryly. She looked at Fury, who was smirking at the comparison. "He's trained many in the ways of hunting demons and helping slayers. Including the local militaries that seem to appreciate him, sir."

"Whatever," the President said then hung up.

Fury handed the phone back, getting a grin. "I wonder if he'd get that reference."

"Stark made it first but it seems to fit. Even Rogers said it fit when Stark showed him an episode of that show." She walked off. "Has the other agent been found?" They shook their heads. "Why not?"

"He's stuck in traffic, ma'am," one reported. "We have agents waiting for him. Should we pick up their senior agent?"

"Yes. He's got a glass jaw," she said with a grimace of distaste. "We'd never take an agent with that sort of weakness." She walked off. "Clean up, release their offices to them, make sure you have all the files on the Council. We think they've been tracking a few of the girls to interfere with their duties." The agents doing that nodded and one held up a disc. She took it and the USB keydrive the other had. "Thank you. Let's go." They left once they had everything cleaned up and she followed. Fury followed all them. So what if the press caught them, probably called by Stark. Idiots had to be handled before the world fell victim to them.

***

Xander blinked awake, feeling like deja vu. He stared around, spotting Dr. Banner. "Am I back under arrest?"

"No, the agents that did it are," he said, not looking over. "You're only cuffed because you're coming down from the interrogation drugs they gave you, which made you almost chew your wrist to get free and a bit more paranoid than usual." He turned the page on what he was reading. "Go back to sleep. You probably have a few more hours of sweating it out."

"I'm better. I heal faster thanks to the mermaid taint."

Bruce looked over. "You're lucky you survived that. Most people would've died."

"The others just turned black and slimy like the original one." Bruce sighed and shook his head. "I'm guessing it's like werewolf DNA, it'll overwrite the other stuff."

"Maybe." He came over. "I have to draw blood." Xander blinked but nodded. "The cuffs bothering you?"

"Little bit. I hate being tied down."

"You're tied down for your own safety, kid." He showed him the bandage on his arm. "You chewed into your arm to bleed." Xander winced. "We noticed it had faster healing too." He drew blood and took it to run. "Want some water?"

"No thank you." Bruce stared at him. "I can get some later."

"You need to stay hydrated." He got him some ice water from the fridge and let him sip it through a straw. The test results came back and he took it to look over. "It's mostly out of your system but we're not sure if you're going to have another paranoid episode." Xander nodded. "So for now, drift back off."

"I'm good. Can I shower?"

"Later. Sleep. Before someone comes in and does a nerve hit on you." Xander grimaced but shifted and one of the straps opened on their own so he could get comfortable. His injured arm was still cuffed down. Bruce stared at the spot. "JARVIS?"

"It was clearly magical in nature but not a spectral form I recognize. So not Miss Rosenburg."

Xander snorted. "She'd probably agree with them because she still thinks I'm normal."

"Bullshit," Bruce said dryly. "You're no more normal than I am, Harris." Xander smiled at him. "Try to rest." Xander nodded, drifting off into a not quite sleep state. Bruce went back to reading and watching over the kid. Harris had a lot of weird anomalies in his blood, and he really needed to eat. He was bordering on malnourishment. Bruce looked up as Steve Rogers walked in carrying a tray. "He woke up for a bit," he said quietly. "He's about three-quarters down."

"Thanks. Can he eat?"

"Yes, or we need to drop a feeding tube. His body's a bit out of whack."

"He can eat." He pulled a chair over. Xander blinked at him and took the tray with a smile of thanks. "You're going to get nagged about not eating."

"As long as they don't nag me for being kidnaped like others will."

"We don't allow that around here." Xander relaxed and finished inhaling his food and carton of milk. Steve smiled. "I'll bring you more later."

"Thank you, Steve."

"Welcome. James should be back tonight."

"I should go then."

"Nope," Banner said. "Not moving and we won't let him nag you about anything other than food intake rates." Xander looked at him. "This is a no nagging zone, Xander. Not like you did something stupid like jumping off a building." He went back to what he was reading.

"The only thing that anyone wants right now is Fury wants a full disclosure report on what you've been doing since you went to Africa," Steve said. "He said that you've been hiding stuff from Mr. Giles so you don't have to listen to the girls complain."

Xander nodded. "Yup. Because I hate being nagged. Especially about being *normal*." Steve shook his head. "Sorry you had to see the new round the other day. Or however long ago that meeting was."

"Four days." He patted him on the wrist. "Rest. We'll go over things later."

"My patrol journals are sent to a bank deposit box in Cairo when I'm done with them. Not probably all that big and I didn't really write out everything."

"I'll only let me and James go over them and make the report for him." Xander nodded. "Which bank?" Xander pointed at something on his underarm. It was an address written in a dye. He took it down and went to look that bank up. That address went to a slayer safe house and that one had the bank noted in the forms. That worked and they got the bank box to the tower easily enough by a bank-to-bank transfer. Bruce took scans of the rest of Xander's artwork, both dye marks and tattoos that were probably some sort of mystical protection. They could look those up because at the very least Stark wanted something to protect him against magic and the others thought it might be a pretty good idea too.

***

James tossed down a book, staring at Steve. They had the journals for three hours. "He doesn't write real reports."

"They're journals, Bucky," he said quietly. "He writes some of what he managed to do. If we put it against the known reports and what he's reported it's a pretty full picture, and we are getting to know more about Xander."

"He's depressed."

"He had just lost his town, his former best girl, and everything else in his life. Wouldn't you be depressed?" Stark asked as he breezed in.

"I told him only we'd look at them, Stark."

"That's fine." He waved the hand with the coffee cup and put the tablet down on the table. "Correlating all the marks, we've been able to figure a few things out. I shamelessly let Natasha go ask him about some. A few are ritual, some aren't. Some are more spiritual or habit he's had since he was younger. He said he did his first few in hair dye on his arm when he was sixteen." He pointed at the pictured list. "Almost every protection against witches but two that JARVIS found."

"He said those two bring out the hyena for some reason," James said, reading them over. "Two are protection against women? That may explains some of his past dates."

"I think it's supposed to be against evil women," Steve said, taking the tablet to look over. "Or not."

"If he's against evil women, isn't that half of his dating pool?" Stark quipped.

"Better someone who knows that the nightmares come instead of some innocent groupie getting hurt when he has one," James said. Steve stared at him. "It's true."

"It probably is. Though I can't see Xander picking up dames in a bar." He went back to the list. "Two other addresses?"

"Slayer safe houses," Stark said.

James looked and nodded. "One's been compromised by a demonic gang. He blew most of them up but they got the house. The other I've never seen. Interesting he no longer has the farm."

"That may not be considered a safe house since people know," Steve said.

"Point." He leaned back in his chair. "I know one of the slayers near there had to protect herself from religious cops. One of the other girls was sneaking in to visit her after the city's imposed curfew. One of them followed her to accuse her of adultery or something. The senior girl threw an awesome fit at him about it and brought others, who she yelled at for hindering their duty and of course they had to sneak around because men such as them were weak, especially weaker than a slayer.

"A demon showed up to try to calm her down but she glared and he tried to smite the officers for her so she kicked his ass. That brought the senior clerics and they all had fits about slayers being female until the demon got Xander there and he straightened them out by promising if they didn't leave the slayers alone their whole city was going to be invaded by a horde of demons who would eat the unholy.

"Then he told the cleric just why he was violating his chosen faith, chapter and verse. By then the mayor or whatever he was called was there and agreed to leave the slayers alone as long as they continued to protect them. Xander made *damn* sure they weren't going to bother the girls and if they tried, Xander would make the cleric go on hunts. He sneered so Xander kindly took him to take out the vampires growing up the road a bit. They were having something like Woodstock?"

"The first major music festival," Tony said. "Happened in upstate New York in the late sixties. It doesn't surprise me that vampires gather for a free love and music festival." He shook his head quickly. "Did the guy get turned?"

"No but he has a suddenly new respect for slayers and he'll defend them to the death. He let her teach them what a slayer can and should do. And how. So now the religious police there know how to stake vampires and behead things that are dangerous."

"So she's backed up and won't be put into trouble for being a woman who fights," Steve said with a grin.

"Yup. The regional government knew about Xander and the girls, were keeping track of them. They added someone locally to help her hunt officially, like the Chinese do with the slayer over there."

"How many got lost to that sort of mindset?" Tony asked.

"Three originally and then the two where Rosenburg never showed up to evacuate them. Mr. Giles is keeping them apart for a good reason. If only because she turned him into a girl during an invasion of the village he was in and he had to get someone to change him into a bear so he could fight them. That would be before his vacation but not long before."

"That's when I was down there helping them. I guess suddenly turning into a girl would throw off your aim. Would being a bear be better though?" Steve asked.

"Claws. And. Teeth," Bucky said simply.

"That'd work for me too and I'm pretty sure none of the guys down there have seen bears. I don't think they're native to Africa." Tony walked off with the tablet, shaking his head. He wanted to know what marks to paint into his suits to protect him from magic. He makes it back to the lab and a guy appears, staring at him. "Who're you?" he demanded, reaching for a weapon.

The guy grinned. "Ares. Where Janus and Xander were originally born."

"Janus?"

"His original name," he said dryly. James stalks in, glaring at him. "You'll do the me here proud and stop some of the stupid. Including your chaos giver."

"I try now and then but I really have got to train him better."

"Good!" He grinned, holding up something. "You'll need that and give it to the other two. You have thirty days to get it down their throats one way or another."

"Will it hurt Xander since he's coming down from people giving him stuff?" Stark asked. "And what is it? Does it need special containment or refrigeration?"

Ares stared at him for a minute. "The ones of us on this realm are all ascended and not in physical control. We need a physical figurehead."

"The pretty guy on the posters," James said dryly.

"Exactly," Ares said with a smug look for him. "You boys were born to it anyway with your birthright gifts."

"Gifts?" Stark asked.

"DiNozzo and Xander were born immortal demigods. It didn't come with them," James said dryly. "Tony's actually his grandson. Cupid did his mom at an orgy. Xander's dad is a chaos godling and did his mom at a Bacchanalia because she's a priestess of Bacchus." He smirked. "It explains so much, doesn't it?"

"Yes it does." He looked at the little bottle then at Ares. "Refrigeration needed?"

"No. We're good there." He looked at James. "Get the other asshole too if you can. He might argue. And why is Jenris taking on Hermes' pedestal?"

"Because he's a geek that likes communication methods."

"That makes so much sense," he sighed, rubbing his forehead. He looked at Stark. "A word of warning. What works on a medium or one with hellmouth taint will not work the same on normal people. Xander's marks are tailored to his specific needs. You need more generic ones." He looked at James then at Clint when he came in. "Drink that."

"Why? And is it going to disgust me by putting me in the House of Love?"

"Yup." He grinned. "Better you than a few others. None of the girls could pretend to be Aphrodite but you can handle all the stress, and you do make girls hot."

Clint stared at him. "Can't I fit somewhere else?"

"Sure, if you want to be Apollo, but you don't know medicine."

"Or muses," he shot back. "Fuck." He took the bottle to drink, wincing. "That sucks ass." James took his own dose and winced, making himself swallow. "That's worse than native potions."

Gaia appeared, smiling and kissing Ares on the cheek. "That's my good boy. Thank you, dear."

"Welcome, Gaia. Demeter forgot."

She smiled. "She's still searching for that which will fill her void."

"We all think she should get some dick," James said, cracking Ares up.

Gaia looked at him and nodded. "Preferably attached to someone instead of the kind you buy in the store these days." James cracked and smiled. She patted him on the cheek. "You're a good boy too but don't let Xander have that until he's *healthy*. Which may need another few feedings. You have got to work with him, James. He's not learning the higher lessons, he's acting like a human hunter instead of a warrior."

"I'm going to go over how to do all that stuff he does once he's better. Including how to lead a base assault and other things."

"Thank you, Hestia," Ares said dryly. He looked up. "Thanks!"

Gaia looked up then at James. "She suggested you help him set up a home base. He doesn't have anywhere he considers his. The farm and other places are the slayers'."

"I...would one here be good?"

"He's still shying from big buildings," Ares said. "Somehow he did things in the right way but in the wrong order so he's immersed himself in it." Gaia nodded. "If we still had holy knight's the kid would be one but they'd hate him for having his better honor code."

"I've seen that," Stark said. They all stared at him. "Like Clay said earlier, not even his team would take out a full base of pirates who had taken a slayer hostage. Especially not the second or third time."

"They probably would've snuck in, taken out the head guy who ordered it and rescued the hostages," James said. "I would've." Steve walked in. "Ares, I'm sure you know Steve."

Ares looked at him then at James. He shrugged. "He's been made good, the same as you were made better."

James smirked a tiny bit. "He's a great field commander."

"That's always an excellent thing." He looked at Steve. "Xander needs tutored."

"We've noticed. I was going to help with it." Ares smirked at him for that. "You're the one from where he was born?"

"I am." He glanced at Gaia, who smiled but she was invisible to him until James brought Steve to meet her. He looked at Steve again. "It's a matter of stopping the stupid before some people explode from fighting it." He pointed upstairs. "Even the bad ones want to help sometimes."

"We saw some of that during the war," Steve said quietly. Ares smiled and nodded. "Thank you."

"You're welcome. Some day maybe we'll take selections from outside the bloodlines." He looked at James again. "Where's the Scion of War?"

"Xander said the middle ages." Gaia laughed but nodded. "He got put with a few hunters there. Who were bloodlined too he thinks."

"Ah, them. That makes so much sense."

"Their bloodline still exists somewhere. He thinks Pooch may have a touch of it."

"That's even better." He considered it. He looked at Steve. "What?"

"Sorry, random thought. Stark found a tv show that's almost exactly like Xander. I was idly thinking about asking him if he'd change his name to Caine."

"Not the one in Florida," Stark quipped. "The one on the show with the traveling priest."

Gaia nodded, wincing some. "He so is." She disappeared.

Steve looked at the spot that suddenly felt empty to him. "Was someone else here?"

"Gaia," James said. "She said she'd meet you formally when I bring you over to introduce you properly." Steve smiled. "Probably with one of her handmaidens she's lost touch with."

"Lewis again?" Stark guessed.

"Could be. She does look like a handmaiden of Gaia. She's not willowy and mentally whisper thin like the Moon Goddess' handmaidens, or fiery tempered warrior bitches like the Sun Goddess' handmaidens. She might be one of the Celestial maidens but they tend to be a bit more stout and less earthy. And I seriously doubt she's one of Death's handmaidens since she's not a slayer."

Ares shook his head. "He's so pleased with most of them. Outside a few." He disappeared.

"Did each goddess have handmaidens?" Steve asked.

"Most had priestesses. Handmaidens are special ones that reflect on their chosen goddess and most of them went to elemental ones instead of goddesses like Aphrodite or Athena. Who, from the stories, biggest bitch ever." He walked off. "Gotta call Jake and DiNozzo to drink some of this."

"Sure," Clint sighed. "Why couldn't I get the cool jobs?"

Steve smiled. "It's not as bad as it could be. It means you get to go out looking as sexy as you want all the time. He said it's just being the pretty face on the poster and statues."

Clint grinned. "I am a sexy bitch," he agreed. "I found someone online the other day that called me a life ruiner because my arms gave her dirty dreams and nearly ruined her for the touch of normal guys with normal muscles." He strolled off.

Stark shook his head quickly. "Okay then." A touch to his head made him forget stuff. He blinked and found Steve standing there looking confused. "What just happened? JARVIS?"

"An energy signature touched your hair, sir, but otherwise I do not know."

"Huh," Steve said. "That's really weird." He walked off, hoping it wasn't demonic. He hadn't felt it touching his own hair. He found Bucky drawing up a list of things to tutor Xander in, looking over his shoulder. "Put higher weapons maintenance lessons. He's good with what he knows but I noticed he only cleans his guns monthly and his knives have some dust on them." Bucky added that. "What about helping him find a new girlfriend or something?"

"I think if we do more than introduce them Xander will feel forced and we'll never get them together." He looked up at Steve. "Like forcing him to go on vacation. He'll take suggestions but not orders unless he's in the middle of a battle."

"Like Dum Dum did?"

"If Howard and Dum Dum had a kid that was raised by drunks, it'd be Xander."

Steve nodded. "That's cool. We can help. He'll let us help?"

"He's willing to learn. We just can't *order* things." Steve nodded. "I'll start with the training stuff tomorrow. I wanted to spar against him with swords anyway."

"Sure. I need to learn how to use one just in case." Bucky grinned and got back to the list. It was based off what he had done before and how he had managed some things. They'd handle it and Clay would handle the slayers until they let him go back in a few weeks.

***

Tony DiNozzo got the email and groaned. "Already?" he complained quietly. He made arrangements to meet up with Bucky somewhere quiet for an afternoon and then erased everything. Of course, someone was spying. They always were. He found that out when two MP's showed up at his desk. He looked up. "Yes, Gentlemen?"

"Sir, there's been a DADT accusation made against you."

"I made a date to meet a friend for lunch and stay at a motel," he said dryly. "Mostly to talk about a friend who's working for the Council because he just got drugged by agents who hate them." One of the MP's winced. "As for the status of my asshole, you can tell the Director it's none of her business and if she wishes to bring me up on charges, there's going to be a shitstorm started. Especially since she tried to send me out on a mission that would've included that."

"Enough," Gibbs ordered. "Boys, leave. Now. She has no right to file anything of the sort." They stared at him. "I can call the SecNav to make sure."

"Please, boss. I doubt she wants some dirty laundry aired."

"Stand down, DiNozzo." He called over there, getting his secretary. "It's Gibbs." He was put on hold and sent back to the Director. He hung up and tried the other number he had for the Secretary of the Navy. His cellphone reached his wife, who said she'd have him call back as soon as he was out of the bathroom. He waited and got the call five minutes later, walking off talking to him. He came back and stared at DiNozzo. "What op was that?" Tony pulled out the file to hand to him. He read it to the SecNav as he walked off again. He came back smirking. "He's not happy but he said if you wanted to go screw Harris into acting like a normal soldier he wouldn't care."

"I'm going to talk to James about Xander, boss." He leaned back once he had the folder back. He looked at the MP's, who got orders from their commander to ignore that request and to get out of the way before the Director got off the phone. The saluted and left. Tony looked at Gibbs then upstairs then back at him. "Boss, do I have a limit?"

"He's stepping on her."

"If she tries again?"

"Then you don't have a limit outside harming any other agents."

Tony nodded. "Thanks boss." The director stomped down the stairs. He ignored her, getting back to his reports.

"I know you just used company property to make a date for sex," she sneered.

Tony looked at her. "I made a rendevous with a friend to talk about a mutual friend who's having issues. Since Xander's had problems thanks to agents who hate his job with the Council...." She went pale and backed off. He stared at her. He still remembered she was half harpy. "Yeah, that Xander. James is going to be training a few skills into him that he could probably use to do his job more safely and sanely now that he has backup in Africa.

"I'm pretty sure I can add to it since I got taught to track and hunt here." She glared at him. "Then again, Director, you can't prove my ass has ever been used because it hasn't. Even if I was having gay sex, I'm not a bottom. I don't even like my ladies to get on top, much less someone stronger than me." She huffed. He stared back. "I can also call up character witnesses all over the city that'll prove I've never been gay. Not even you can get all of them into custody."

She growled and her hand reached for her gun but Gibbs walked her off by force. "I wonder if Xander's people need a senior mentor sort," he said, getting into his email to send one to Xander about her. Just in case she tried him too. He got one back from Maria Hill a few minutes later promising that the harpy would have to fly off soon because she was going to die. That she had some sort of genetic problem that was common in crossbreeds like her. He shared that with Gibbs.

"Great," Gibbs muttered, shredding that printed email. "Who was that?"

"Maria Hill, boss."

"From SHIELD?" McGee asked from behind his monitor. He was trying to stay out of trouble.

"Yup. We worked with her in the past," Tony said with a grin. "She's a nice enough lady. Very good as the second-in-command they have. She's been busy routing out corruption recently." He saw the director stomp off the elevator at her level and go into her office, hearing her slam the door. "Is it wrong to mention her to Xander, boss?"

"Only if he'd have her eaten."

"He probably knows someone who could," Tony quipped. McGee stared at him. He grinned back. "He plays kitten poker."

McGee nodded. "I heard about Mr. Harris. I'm really sorry he has to do all that but I'm thankful he does."

"A lot of people feel that way about the Council," Tony said. "Most of them would like the girls not to have their gifts too because if they didn't need it, the world would be easier on everyone."

Gibbs nodded. "From what I've seen he's went extremely into his job."

Tony grinned at him. "He took out some pirates, boss. They had a slayer hostage." Gibbs dropped his pen to stare at him. "By himself because no one else was there to help."

Gibbs shuddered. "Enough said. I can't do that. I'd want a unit behind me."

"He might like that but Colonel Clay's team is helping round out the African slayer teams."

"That's good," Gibbs decided, picking up his pen again. "They have skills."

"They do," Tony agreed. He got back to work. He wondered what was going on but he'd be told when he needed to know something. Thankfully he hadn't had the breast milk delivery that James and Xander both had because he wasn't living the hard life or ignoring his needs most of the time.

***

Jake blinked at the ghostly looking guy standing next to him. "If we're going to turn into Jedis make sure I don't turn into Anakin."

"What?" James demanded.

"Never mind." He took the bottle. "What's this?"

"Drink your share," he said. "Ares delivered it." Jake grimaced but drank some and then had to swallow it. He felt it swell inside him and winced. "More. Few more sips." Jake finished a few more sips and the swelling feeling eased. He handed the bottle back. "Xander will be back next month. Steve and I are teaching him some skills." He disappeared.

"Cool," Jake said, looking around. Everyone else was asleep so he'd mention that in the morning. He got back to tinkering with the computer he was repairing and making sure nothing snuck up on them. Including snakes because Roque freaked out at slithery things that wanted to cuddle up to his warmth.

***

Xander woke up and found Steve staring at him from in front of the window. "Did I snore the wrong tune?" he asked, sounding tired.

Steve grinned. "Not quite. You're not real musical but it's cute."

"You're not evil enough for me." He made himself sit up. "Can I get out of here?"

"Tomorrow. You're still detoxing a few things. Do you remember waking up earlier and calling Bruce a cute puppy, he just needed longer ears?"

"No."

"You did." He leaned forward. "James and I have gotten together to start a skill list so you know what you need to know in case you ever have to bust another base full of idiots. Especially if you're alone."

"Is this like his thing where he was going to chew on me for running out of bullets?"

"Yup, but we decided to be tutors instead." He put the list onto his knees. "That's what we're going to teach you to do better. You're good, but not real subtle and subtle is always better. So we'll tutor you and make sure you can do what you gotta do."

Xander nodded, looking at him. "I know I could use the help."

Steve smiled. "That's all we want to do. Clay's team probably already got taught most of these, though a few are the older ways that still work better." Xander nodded. "So once you're out of here, we'll sit around and show you how to do it easiest." He stood up. "Until then, want dinner?"

"No thanks. I'm a bit nauseous. Is that the drugs?"

"No clue, sorry, kid." He patted him. "I'll tell Bruce you no longer want to use pretty earrings on his puppy ears." He walked off smiling.

Xander looked at the list. "It's not as long as it could be. That's cool." He got up to go to the bathroom and checked his wrist, then went back to bed. He hated being sick. Bruce leaned in. "You're safe. I can't make you a dog. Even though I don't remember any of that."

"At least you said I'd be a cute, fluffy dog instead of a dangerous one."

Xander grinned. "Even fluffy dogs can be dangerous if provoked but mostly they want petted." Bruce laughed but blushed a bit. "Not offering, Doctor Banner. You're not evil enough to be one of mine either."

"Good point. Food?" Xander turned green and shook his head. "You shouldn't be nauseous."

"No clue why. I just am." Bruce got him a bowl to use in case and puttered around, taking a few new samples of blood and ear wax to run through the system. "Why the ear wax?"

"Because it's like a biological glue trap. Anything in the atmosphere that's like particulate matter will end up stuck in it. It's a good test to see if anything's getting to you. Might tell me why you're nauseous too."

"Hopefully. I hate being nauseous." He looked out the window again. "It's pretty but too damn big," he muttered.

Bruce walked over and shut the curtains, looking at Xander, who looked less green. "It's vertigo from the height. You probably haven't been in many high rises in your life. Some people get that." He patted Xander's foot when he walked past him. That explained a few things about Xander and cities, that and him being in the wilds for too long. Cities were more dangerous than poachers or anything else. You didn't have line-of-sight or anything else. He'd bring that up with Sam when he showed up to talk to Xander later. They were all hoping for some healing for the young guy. He was an okay guy when he wasn't panicking.

***

Xander walked off the elevator the next afternoon, still in scrub bottoms and a cheap cotton tank top. He was barefoot but the floors were warm. He caught the view and stared for a minute, not realizing he was weaving a bit. Steve pulled him away from the windows and sat him down. "Sorry, he said I have something called vertigo. I thought that was an inner ear thing."

"It's also something you get at high heights," James said as he walked behind them. "Snipers sometimes get it and have to fight through it." He got them some water and handed Xander his, watching him drink. "Thank you for not making me nag."

Xander blinked up at him. "You're definitely not a slayer."

"No, I'd look stupid in the skirts." He drank some water and sat down, drawing out the first scenario they wanted to train Xander in. Xander nodded, telling them how he'd normally do it. Steve agreed but suggested other methods while Bucky gave his expertise.

Clint walked past during one and pointed. "You need a sniper there," he said. "That'll make it easier. Nat and I did that a few times."

"No snipers with me usually," Xander said, grinning up at him. "If you'd like to volunteer to travel with me...." He smiled.

"No flirting, Xander. I require softness and breasts usually." He walked off smiling.

"Willow hasn't changed me into a girl in a long time, so no breasts, sorry. Though there's supposed to be a few chaos artifacts somewhere according to some books Giles had."

"With your luck, you'd end up like one of those school girls in animes," Bucky said with an evil smirk.

"Wouldn't be the first time. Willow apparently has a breast fetish of some sort. I always end up enormous." Steve groaned, shaking his head. "Sorry, all the wacky that is my life. But hey, I haven't been a dog since I went to Africa. Which is good because they might've eaten me."

"She does that again and I'm ending her in a way that would make my brainwashed days happy," Bucky assured him. A glass of milk appeared in front of both boys, making them sigh and drink. Then Bucky got up to make lunch. He knew he always got hungry afterward.

Xander was choking. "That's a bad poison," he gasped. He looked around. "My bag here? I have the antidote." Steve got it for him and he took it and handed the spare to Steve for Bucky. "Oh, Goddess, I need to kill someone for that." He got some water from the tap to drink but Steve got him some from the filter pitcher. He gulped a good bit and then sighed. "I'm going to kill someone." He walked off to find his phone. It was still in his bag. He called someone. "Dru, baby, it's Xander. Who in the hell tried to poison me and James?" He listened. "No, not the apocalypse...what now?" He nodded slowly. "No, that's not good. Can you get me there?"

"No way in hell," James shouted, coming out to get weapons.

"He's a spill over from another realm. We have him in some comics," Xander said. "Please. James wants to come too. No, I'm not dressed. Give me ...sure, you can send me stuff to wear so I look pretty in homage to the stars. Most of mine are pretty worn out. Thanks, dear." He hung up and called Andrew. "It's me. Comic character named Apocalypse. How do I kill it?" He listened. When the bundle of cloth dropped, he pulled it open and took the stuff inside to put on in the bathroom.

"Yeah, Dru said he's here and somehow he's poisoning Gaia. Her milk was poisoned." He nodded. "I can do that. Send me my baby please, 'Drew. We gotta have a talk with him." He hung up and came out to find his boots to put on. Then he stood up. He was in a plain, tight, black cotton t-shirt and black leather jeans looking pants with his combat boots. "Dru did really good figuring out my size."

"How does this demon die?" James asked. Xander shook his head, checking his axe. "He doesn't or he's not a demon?"

Xander looked up. "Both. He's got regenerative technologies stashed around he can use. At least on his world. Here, he's in the wrong world. Apparently some higher powers stole him to judge him for his asshole tendencies." Stark came off the elevator, heading for his suit. "We probably won't need the help to knock him out and let the witches send him home," he said.

"Be damned, kid," Stark said, getting armored up.

"Okay. We're going to Egypt." He looked at Steve, who was pulling on his uniform. "Um, Steve...."

"Still going, even if I can't do much."

"Okay, sure. We need to knock him into next week. He can change his body shape, size, and density. He's usually about seven feet tall and about three hundred pounds but he can hit harder than the Hulk according to the comics. He can change his arms so he can fly." They all nodded, Bucky grimacing. "All we have to do is knock him into next week so they can send him home." Everyone nodded. Xander called it in. "We're good. Me, three others, one has mechanical stuff. Thanks, Eloise." They disappeared, landing in a desert. Xander looked around. "He's there," he said with a point.

James scanned and corrected it. "Figure's there."

Xander looked and waved at it. "That's the present body holder for Isis. She's possessing her. Lady Isis, where is it?" he called. She pointed and got out of the way. Stark took off to find it for sure, and it wasn't that far off. They followed Stark. The body was groaning and weak. "Please let this be easy," he muttered. "Hey, big guy? You're in the wrong realm. You're poisoning Gaia. We don't allow that."

Apocalypse sneered at him, making himself stand up. "You are not worthy to speak to me. You do not know what I am or where I have been."

"Actually, you're on the wrong realm. Here you're a comic book so yeah, we do." Xander stared at him. "You have the same problem against us."

"I have fought most of them before," he said smugly. Stark knocked him down from behind. The giant went after him and Steve stepped in.

James stared. "Get the knees. I'll get the neck?"

"Sure," Xander agreed, shifting and then lunging forward to move around Steve and take a spinning hit at the guy's unprotected back area. Apocalypse moved and jumped so he caught him in his upper thighs. "Poor baby man," he cooed, sneering at him.

"You will pay for that, mortal."

Xander smirked. "Bring it, bitch. Seen worse than you. An ascending demon, *so* much worse." The alien growled and tried to hit him. It gave Bucky and Stark a shot. Xander and Steve fought back with it. Then Xander's axe cracked. He looked at it. The alien laughed. Xander said a quiet prayer and then looked up. "You owe me." It healed the axe and made it stronger. "Thanks, dear." He felt the magic rippling down it and nodded. "Sweet." He took another swing and the alien shrieked. Steve had cut him when he flinched away from the axe. Bucky had stabbed him in the neck. Xander gutted him and Stark knocked him out. Xander spun, looking at the creature that was appearing. "You're also on the wrong realm. Remove yourself."

"Ease yourself, warrior."

"I am the Slayers Knight Protector," he said formally in a demon language. The aliens looked bored. Xander tried to attack them and they held him off then the magic around the axe broke their hold and he sliced one before pinning the other. "You are not welcome on this realm, Destroyers of Beings," he sneered. "I have seen what you've done."

"We come to gather him. We were mistaken when we sent him here. We thought this realm dead."

Xander snorted. "Really? Didn't look, did you?"

"Some day it will be."

"Some day all civilizations will fall. It won't be because I failed in my duties. It definitely won't be because I didn't look and acted like a higher being's ego." He bit something on his wrist and dripped it on the alien, making him shriek. "Take your faulty selves and that one with you," he sneered. "Before I make your whole race sorry for stepping onto this realm, Destroyer." He got off him. The alien was still screaming. "I said go. Now." He pointed. "Take your bitch and go."

"We do not destroy."

"Bull. Fucking. Shit. You set yourselves up as the judgement panel of all civilizations and you've ended plenty. You won't do it here."

"You have evil here."

"We have good too and not all supposedly evil things are actually bad. Especially since you consider emotions evil. Take. Your. Bitch. And. Go," he growled. "Before I become the evil." They fled with Apocalypse. Xander took a breath. "I need to help Gaia." He looked around. Then he whistled. Isis's present body glared at him. "He poisoned Gaia's milk, Lady Isis. Can we get a lift?"

"Yes, Knight." She walked over to stroke his cheek. "You are not a good boy but you will do and you are definitely worthy of us." She kissed him on the cheek.

He grinned. "Thank you, Lady Isis. It's nice to hear after all the girls I know nag." She laughed and sent them to Gaia's village. It was in ruins. All but her hut. "Steve, find any survivors by the river," he said with a point. "Find the elders or the shaman." He ran into the hut, putting his axe down beside the bed. She was drugged and passed out. "Oh, fuck," he muttered. "James, get me the shaman's herbs. I need a purification set and the red berries we were warned to never eat or touch." He nodded, going to gather them.

"Stark, go find survivors," he called when he heard him. He got up to find what she had in her back room. There was a portal there to her temple. There were all sorts of things that people had tithed her that she didn't really want or need, but they had been helped by her so it was only right of them to do so. He found most of what he needed and came out to get the herbs from James and the berries. "Her portal's back there," he said with a point. "Get me the blood of water of life," he said quietly. "I'll start this." James stared at him. "Now. I know how to do this. I was trained to do this." James nodded. "Don't touch the inner pool."

"I remember." He stepped through the portal, shivering as the icy chill hit him. Then he was in her temple and he went to find the pond with the small spring in the center.

Xander started the ritual purification of the elements and worked around her, focusing on it. He pulled up all his training, all the new training and the old magic he had seen. He pulled up everything in him and knew he didn't have enough but he could manage it. If he had to, he would use his own life's energy to cure her. She was needed and he was just a guy who helped. He was doing the last of the air purity when James came back soaking wet. Xander took the small vial of water, staring at him.

"Fell in."

"Poisonous."

"I took the antidote and a sip of the water after I got hers, kid."

Xander nodded, moving to make the infusion she'd need to heal. She was moaning and that was both good and bad. He found the one last thing he needed and handed it to James. "Smash it. I need it crystalized powder." He took it out there for Steve and Stark to work on. When it came back it was still a bit big but it'd have to do. He didn't have time to send it back. He fed her the infusion, kneeling next to her. Then he did the earth purification rituals again, this time over her body. Bodies were made of earth's elements, filled with air and celestial elements. Hers was more earth and celestial than not so he could do that. She blinked and passed back out. He went back to it, easing it as much as he could. It wasn't going to fully cure her but she'd live and heal. She finally woke up at dawn and he was slumped, still chanting. She touched his hair. He kissed her wrist and put it back onto her chest. He started on the healing rituals for her.

"Xander, I'll heal, love. I'm immortal."

He looked at her. "You got poisoned by nosy alien sorts from another realm." He went back to it.

She snorted. "That's funny." She yawned and fell asleep but when she woke the next week she was better. She blinked at the worried face beside her. "James." She stroked his cheek, making him wake up. "Are you well?"

"Are you?" he countered.

"I feel weak but not overly bad." She sat up with his help. "What happened?" He told her. She groaned. "Them. Who did the healing?"

"Who do you think?" She smiled, looking around. "I have him outside in the sun. He's pasty and shaky." He helped her up. "Let me get you home, Mother."

"I can walk, James." He picked her up to carry her to her temple, where she could heal the fastest. She sighed in pleasure as she was laid on her throne lounging couch. He stepped back and left her to nap and heal. She smiled. "I'll bake you boys cookies." She drifted off again. She'd wake in a few months or so, fully healed. Two of her remaining immortal handmaidens showed up to take care of her. Xander had instructed them in what she'd need, including purging the poisoned milk.

James strode out, staring down at the napping kid. Stark was helping the village rebuild with Steve. He gently kicked Xander on the foot, making him gasp and sit up. "She woke up and I got her to her temple," he said quietly. "She's resting there and will heal."

"Thank you." He blinked at him and passed back out.

"Did he wear himself out?" Stark asked, coming over.

"Yeah. That much work would wear him out. We can put a feeding tube down him too."

"I made dinner," Steve said.

James looked at him. "Xander was busy, Steve. He's went on hunger strikes for meditative reasons before. They all learn it in their training." The two shaman nodded. "Over a week?"

"We made him healing teas," the younger one said. "I'm learning much of potions now and it was good for him. Is the Mother all right?"

"It'll be a few months before she's back. She's resting but she's safer." They nodded. "The poisons are being purged." The shaman smiled and told the villagers that. They needed something to celebrate. James looked at Steve, who shrugged. "We can go tomorrow if you can get us a ride."

"I can get us a ride," Stark promised. He called Pepper to let her know. He had kept in touch with her. She was not amused but said that something like an ancient goddess being poisoned made sense with the Council people. She'd send someone with a jet to pick them up. Stark hung up and got back to helping build stronger huts. Steve and James went with them. The two shaman oversaw their brethren. He was foolish and strong but also too selfless.

The elder shaman walked over to Steve. "Our brethren is selfless to a higher degree than he should be. Not that we do not appreciate it but he has always done this."

James nodded. "Yes he has. Even when he's working with the slayers."

"There's nothing wrong with being selfless," Steve said.

"Until you get injured doing it," Stark put in. He looked back. "We'll put him into the hospital and help him get better. He was learning from those two about war things."

The elder shaman smiled, showing his lack of teeth. "That is a good thing. He uses much of it and gets hurt." He walked off. "We have two warriors in training to help guard us. We will see him back here when she comes home." They all nodded.

"We'll go tomorrow," Stark said.

The shaman patted him on the arm. "We do not mind good guests. The children especially love your suit. They think it like a shrine and have given it many decorations." He pointed. His armored suit had flower wreaths on the head and around the neck. Smaller ones around each ankle and wrist. "I will stop the ones who are making funeral ones in case Xander should pass over. We know he'd just fade and become immortal instead of needing to be helped over." He went to talk to those women. They agreed they could wait. They could use them later if necessary.

James started to move but Steve got some water from the river, taking it to splash Xander with it and make him drink some of it. Xander choked but oh well. He needed it and the cooling off. His leather pants were neatly folded up for his pillow and the shirt was under them since it washed easier than leather. He got Xander back to responding and able to drink on his own. Then Xander passed back out. It was a start at least.

***

Clint landed the quin jet, walking back to open the gateway. "Guys, needed a lift?"

"Yeah," Stark said. "We got sent mystically." He got his suit up and into the jet. The kids pouted but he came out to help them finish their dolls of it. They were happy with that and went to design their own armor. Steve carried Xander. James got the clothes. Stark sat down and closed the gate, sighing in relief. "Air conditioning."

Steve smiled. "It was warm but we're near the equator." Someone knocked. James opened the gate to talk to the women, who smiled and handed them something. "Thank you, ma'am." She said something and waved before jogging off. "What was that?"

"She hopes her daughter can find a man as nice as you." He closed the gate and sat down, handing Stark the food. They had fished for their own food instead of stressing the tribe out. They had also shared with them. Clint got them lifted off and back to the US and Avengers tower within a few hours. Bruce met them up on the landing pad and pointed. "We're good," Bucky said.

"You're dehydrated, sunburned, and exhausted. Hit the infirmary, boys. Take Xander with you." He looked at the suit then at Stark, who grinned as he walked past him. "Should I worry about native kids making their own repulsor weapons?" he asked as he followed them with Clint following him. Fury was already waiting impatiently. "Shower," he said with a point. "Then strip and let me check for injuries and needing an IV."

"Water," Steve said. "We could use a lot of water. We had some, they had a really clean stream, but we were helping rebuild what the asshole did to their village while Xander was doing what he had to do."

Bucky nodded, heading for the shower. "I'm dusty so I need a bath."

Steve followed. "Me too."

Stark looked at Fury. "The first being was from another realm."

"Heard that from Andrew Wells."

"We got him down and the beings that showed up apologized for thinking we were a dead realm but Xander nearly ate them for being something he called civilization destroyers." Fury blinked a few times, mouth opening then closing. "He made them take their shit and go. Then we went to check on the reason we knew this, Gaia. Who is an African Goddess of the earth. Xander wore himself out healing her from the poisoning while we helped the villagers."

"How did he do that?"

"A lot of chanting, some herbs, a lot more chanting." Stark shrugged. "I have no idea how that works. The shaman gave him healing teas because he wore himself out. Rogers hosed him down earlier with water and got him to drink some," he told Bruce.

"He's got a great sun poisoning case," he said. "Dehydration at a high level. Probably hasn't eaten?"

"He was fasting during the rituals. He barely had water," Steve said as he came out. "I know nothing about shaman rituals beyond the herbs helped her but they smelled somewhat and the chanting took days. Then they let him nap in the sun so the sweat would dry."

"I've seen native healers," Bruce said. "Including healing shaman. That sounds typical. We can help him, guys. Hold his arm so I can do the IV."

Steve petted over Xander's hair. "We're doing an IV," he said when Xander almost blinked at him. "You're seriously dehydrated again. You're here with Dr. Banner doing it, Xander." He hissed something. "No, you don't have dengue or malaria again," he promised. "You healed her. She's fine and healing. She woke up enough and Bucky got her somewhere safer. They said to come back when she came home in a few months." Xander nodded slightly. Bruce got him with the IV and started it on high. They watched him rest under the damp sheet Bruce put over him to help with the sun poisoning. Steve got his own medical check and got released with the order to go drink dinner and not make it alcoholic. The others got the same. Fury followed to interrogate them about what had happened. Bruce shook his head but smiled. He was so glad it wasn't him. Fury made him paranoid.

***

Xander blinked awake, staring at the woman at the foot of his bed. "Do I know you?" he asked sarcastically.

"You should. I did give birth to you, son." She patted his foot. "You did excellently." He grinned. "You could have let the others help."

"I'm stronger and the forces come easier at my call," he said quietly. "Because I'm so attuned to the other side."

"I knew that. I was wondering how. So was my Lord and Master."

"Spirit possessions, being really open to them, all that plus Willow." He smiled. "I nearly sent Willow to you."

"Would she have liked the parties?"

"She could use the sex to loosen up. The redhead who was nagging me, Mom."

"Oh, her. You're right, she could use the fun." She patted him on the foot again. "Now what?"

"I have training to do. Steve and James are helping me learn. Then I'm going back to the girls."

She nodded. "It's a hard life, son. I wish you much luck."

He grinned. "Bad luck sometimes works just as well, sometimes even more nicely too." She snorted but disappeared. He let himself drift back off.

Nick Fury walked off, taking off the image inducer. Stark spotted him and called James, who came down to ...talk with him. "That's really low," James said, trapping them in the elevator. He stared at him.

"I met his mother."

"I know. I thought it was brilliant he brought you to be a servant of Bacchus." Fury glared. James just smirked back. "Don't fuck with the kid. He doesn't need it and he doesn't deserve it."

"I wanted a report on what happened."

"We told you all the pertinent facts. Not like he'll tell you how shaman do things. That's fairly secretive." He stared at him. "Don't screw with the kid. He's had enough problems in his life from others doing the same thing. You're turning into Buffy."

"Are you two seeing each other?"

"I could do a lot worse than Xander. Including a few others in this building." He stared at him. "But no. I'm not. I need someone on the lighter side to not drag me into the bad days. So does he. So unless we find a nice dame to put between us...." He hit the button to go down. "Don't do it again, Fury. He doesn't deserve that level of hell." The door opened. "And remember, seers don't *have* to share anything." He stared at him with a tiny smirk. "Ever." Fury shuddered but walked off. James went back up to the infirmary. No Xander. He checked the bathroom and other areas. Still no Xander. He went upstairs and found Steve trying to get Xander to rest. He leaned down to where Steve had him pinned on the couch. "It was Fury, Xander. He was playing mind games with you to get more information on how you did things." Xander went limp. "I warned him off. He suggested we needed to screw."

"You're the same sort of warrior I am these days but we'd never do more than brood, fight things, and have sex. Is that really a good relationship?"

"No," Steve said, letting him go. "It's not." He smiled. "It's good you're thinking about a relationship. You could use one."

"Yeah but they won't help me with the girls so I'll stick with cheap and easy." He looked at Bucky. "You sure?"

"I'm sure. I caught him leaving and we had a talk in the elevator before I threw him down it." He grinned. "He even looked pleased that he had met your mother and had some partying fun with the other bacchi."

"He did?" Steve asked.

"After the battle in DC, I dragged him with me and handed him to my mom. She's a priestess of Bacchus," Xander said. "I thought he needed the broomstick pulled out and to have his mind fixed since he tried to alpha me over things. Besides, they're fun. The Bacchanalia is always fun. Plenty to drink, lots of people who like to cuddle and grope. I get to give oral sex and even get some now and then. That needs to happen more often. My next girlfriend or boyfriend needs to do more oral sex stuff." Steve shook his head but he was smiling. "It's how I kept up with Anya."

"We all wondered when you slept," James said. "For now, sleep. We'll go back to tutoring time tomorrow."

"I need to do laundry."

"It's all been sent out and we'll have it picked up the day after tomorrow when it's done. You can bum, Xander."

"I wouldn't fit into your clothes. You're both taller and more muscular than I am."

"Have you not looked in a mirror recently?" James demanded.

"I have that same feeling sometimes. I'm still the guy I was before the serum," Steve said quietly. "It took me months to really get used to my body." James scowled at him. "It's a big change and he's probably more muscular than he was before and probably more skinny since he keeps not eating." He stared at Xander. "While you're here, you're eating at least twice a day. More if possible. When James eats, you eat."

"He does the same thing," Xander said.

"You can both eat on my schedule then," Steve said with a smile. "Spend the time recovering before you go back, Xander." Xander nodded but sighed. "Good boys." He walked off. "Rest, Xander, before Natasha suggests going shopping."

"Eww. Shopping with girls." He flipped onto his side, staring up at James. "I'm okay."

"I'm sure you are but I'm still supposed to be watching over you."

Xander grinned. "You're the scariest yet nicest guardian angel ever." James snorted but went to his own bed. They both listened to Xander shift a few times until he finally fell asleep. Then he snored, which they could sleep through. It wasn't half as bad as Stark's snoring problem.

***

The next morning, Natasha walked behind Xander's seat at the table. "How can you draw your sort of lovers when you dress that poorly?"

"Oral sex," he said dryly, sipping his water. Bruce had said no coffee or any other form of caffeine. Or salt. He needed to rehydrate and he couldn't have either until he was closer to normal. "They all know I'm fantastic at it." Stark burst out laughing. "It's how I kept up with Anya's demands. That and she liked toys." He had another sip of his water. Steve was shaking his head but smiling. Xander looked at her. "No offense but women who shop are creepy bitches and they give me nightmares. Everyone laughs when I have a flashback to shopping and end up hiding under things." James moaned, shaking his head. "He saw me do it. So, have fun, dear." He grinned.

She patted him on the head. "You probably look nice in those leather pants."

"I work down near the equator. Leather's not really practical. Dru just thinks I'm hot. She has since that botched love spell."

Steve put oatmeal and scrambled eggs in front of him and Bucky then sat down with his own. "What love spell?"

Xander looked at him. "I'd tell you but you'd probably lose all respect for me. Thank you for cooking." He dug into the food.

"How do love spells work?" Tony asked.

"Accidentally in that case." Xander stared at him. "Back in high school I was acknowledged and unchallenged king of cretins," he said bluntly. "Who somehow ended up dating the head cheerleader, who dumped me for her rep. How do you think they worked?" He stuffed his mouth again.

"Steve was the skinny artistic sort," Tony said.

"Who was pretty cute but girls didn't look at him," James agreed.

Xander looked at Steve, then at Bucky. "I had after school hobbies that not even the kids in the Latin club wanted to hang around with. The only cool thing I ever did in high school was date Cordelia for a bit and join the swim team to see why they were changing into monsters so they could eat other students." He stuffed his mouth again. "Forget I mentioned it, please?" he begged before his next bite.

"Sure, kid," Tony agreed, looking at Steve. "I've seen pictures of you back then."

"There's days I still see myself that way." Bucky stared at him. "I don't look the same. Sometimes it catches me off guard."

"I get that about my arm."

"And the hair?" Tony quipped.

"No, I don't mind the hair." He looked at Xander. "You couldn't have been as skinny as Stevie was, Xander."

"No, I wasn't that skinny. I had horrible parents, which Cordelia used against me repeatedly when we broke up for good. Which...it was my fault but she took cruel to a whole new level. I'm kinda glad Anya didn't have her powers back then." He ate another bite.

"The school's records are available through the state," Stark said. "Fury has a copy because I stole them." He grinned.

Xander stared at him. "You're not evil enough to want to date me, Stark." Tony burst out laughing. "Are you stalking me for some reason?"

"No. Steve wanted 'em."

Xander looked at him. "I know you're not stalking me." Steve shook his head since he was chewing. Bucky was trying not to giggle. "Oh, saw Frerick. Again."

Bucky dropped his spoon, staring at him. "Way to change the subject to homicidal whack jobs."

"There's plenty in the high school that thought I was," he said dryly. "So not totally." He grinned. "He sent me candy. Someone confiscated it and left me a note." Tony waved his fork with a grin. "Rophy's again or something similar?"

"Yup. It'd turn you into a kitty in heat."

"That might be fun for a few days but not with him and he's into biological weapons too so I don't want him to get my blood."

"We didn't find any antigens," Bruce said. Xander grinned at him. "You have something to prevent it."

"I sure as shit do." Stark moaned. "Because I don't want anyone to get that." He nodded a few times then stuffed his mouth again.

"What if it throws of clinical readings?" Bruce asked. "Like if you're unconscious again."

Xander looked at him. "I don't tend to be places where there's huge hospitals. Never have been in the last few years." Bucky growled. "The last time I was, he was healing and helping me with the girls training at the old farm I had."

Bruce shook his head. "It could throw your other readings off, which could end up killing you."

"If I voluntarily go into a hospital and I'm not sick with something like malaria? I'm pretty well expecting that outcome anyway. I don't do hospitals. You're the most times I've seen a doctor in my whole life." Bruce growled. "Sorry but truth. Between the horrible ones out there and my parents not caring if I lived, because that would mean an insurance payout to keep them in liquor, you didn't go to Sunnydale General for anything but stitches and casts, and I can do both myself. I learned really well from Willow's mom's textbooks."

"You said her mom was a shrink," James said.

"She was. She was a shrink with an MD to back it up so she could give pills. Sunnydale needed a lot of pills. Yet they hated our lone pot grower for some reason." He shook his head and dug in again.

Tony looked at him then at James. "It's like what you got from brainwashing only he grew up that way." Xander nodded. Bucky growled. Xander grinned at him for it. "Are your parents living?"

"I have no idea if they were sober enough to climb on the buses when the evacuation order got put out there. I haven't looked because I haven't talked to them since I moved out. Or my uncle. Though I'm pretty sure he died of his last DUI. About number thirty or so." He ate the last few bites and got up to do the dishes.

Bruce looked at Tony, who looked back. They both knew that feeling. "That's weird," Steve said quietly.

"Weird was my uncle was into taxidermy and the one demon he had stuffed he swore up and down was some sort of supernatural creature like a big foot but it was a baby because it was only two feet high and only had tiny sharp teeth and claws." Xander looked back at him. "He was so proud he picked it up out of the desert one day."

"What was it really?" Bucky asked, finishing up and moving to help with the dishes.

"A rock eater. They basically tunnel into mountains to lay babies and nibble on rocks for nourishment. I even brought a source home once. He sneered and said books were worthless." Xander shrugged. "He was like that. It's not a great loss to the gene pool. Though someone did suggest he mount the mayor's head that got blown off during the battle to kill it. That might've been nice. They could hang it up in City Hall on their shrine to Wilkins."

"What did he do?" Bruce asked.

Xander grinned at him. "He turned into a pure demon. About ninety feet long, lots of teeth, eats people. He did it during our graduation." He grinned. "That's why he formed Sunnydale." He went back to cleaning up. "We were all kinda happy when he ate the principal. Even the normal kids cheered." He grinned at Bucky. "The FBI has footage from that stored somewhere. And there's supposed to be a guy doing it in South Africa next eclipse. Wanna help?" he asked with a cheery grin.

"How big?"

"Five different possible versions. From fifty feet up to just under a hundred. They're immortal their last hundred days so the change doesn't kill them."

Bucky blinked. "Let Clay's team handle it."

"They'll need a trap with a bomb or a lot of artillery to blow the head off."

"You can have Jake hack the footage later."

"It may be in a vault instead of in their records. The agents looked at the mess and agreed it was a gas explosion almost immediately and only gave us dirty looks as they rode out of town." He shrugged. "Most of the town was dirty to Wilkins."

Bruce looked at Tony, who had pulled out his phone to look that up through his AI. Natasha was hacking from her tablet. "Got it," she said. "It is digitized but severely restricted." She came in to project it on the tv in there. They all watched.

Xander looked. "She got there late. There was about an hour of ceremony first." He went back to washing pots. "The other one is under the name Caleb McKinnon. It was his camera that they picked up. This one was one of the first to run."

She got that one up and Steve stared, frowning. "Is that the principal?" Bruce asked.

Xander looked. "Gym teacher. Principal's the short guy next to him. We decided he was a bridge living troll." He grinned. "I got detention once for untied shoelaces."

Tony was trying not to laugh. "That was noted actually and questioned but the side note said 'it's Sunnydale, just leave it alone'." They watched as the principal got up to speak, growling at it. "You're right, he's a troll." Steve nodded he agreed, fast forwarding to the mayor's speech. They saw him look up then smile and talk about things until the latin started. Then even Steve flinched. Xander just nodded. Then the battle happened. And the explosion.

Xander grinned at James. "Willow found me the plans."

"You did great, kid." He stared at the mess. Then ended the playback over Natasha's shoulder. "I'm really glad one of those never showed up in Russia," he said in her ear, making her shake her head and look at him oddly. "Someone on the Polit Bureau?"

She nodded. "I could see that."

"We're just really happy none's happened in DC," Xander said dryly. "We told the Secret Service about the one there so they could bring him into the desert and end him nicely."

Tony whimpered, looking at Xander. "How many of those have there been?" he demanded.

Xander shrugged. "Most of them take decades to do. Wilkin's version took ninety years. You're a human with magic who makes deals and slowly gives up your humanity until the last step, when you give up your human form." He shrugged again and grinned. "I don't care as long as I never have to face one by myself."

"No, if you find one, you call," Steve said. "I'll get up out of a hospital bed and help you." Xander walked over to hug him then went back to the dishes. Steve got up to get them more coffee, refilling everyone's cups. Steve looked at Bruce. "I'd like to show Thor that to see if they have a manner of beating it."

"They do look like how he described a bilgesnipe."

"Bilgesnipe have legs and tails," Xander said. "They're also a different color and not that long. They're like long iguanas with the tendency to eat anything smaller than it. They're usually about twenty feet or so." Everyone was staring at him. "Anya was Norse." He grinned. Stark moaned, getting up to get stuff to put into his coffee. "She used to think Thor was hot and said at one point in time, if she hadn't married her first husband, she would've given herself to him as a handmaiden to be screwed daily by his hammer." He grimaced. "I guess she went to toys when she didn't get the hammer. It was her favorite thing." He cleaned off the stove.

"Bucky," Steve said. He knocked Xander out and took the cleaning rag. "Thanks." They put Xander on the couch and talked about things, calling Faith to see if they had really been like that. She hadn't seen all of it but enough to know.

"We need to set him up with someone to take all those bad mental places out of his mind," Stark told Natasha. "He seems to like them deadly." She glared at him. "Have any girlfriends you can donate?"

"I don't have any girlfriends outside Clint."

"Hey," he complained from somewhere. "Isn't that what the guy from Maine is trying to do?"

Natasha looked up that keyword in the files. "Three open cases in Maine." Clint walked out of the hallway and got into the file over her shoulder. "Yes, I believe that is." She looked up at him. "We need to know how that happens."

"Giles probably has a book," Tony said. "They seem to have a ton of them in various ancient and obscure languages."

"I found sexy poetry in Ancient Egyptian, the one before hieroglyphs. I asked what the book was about," Steve said. "It had been on the table. The researcher guy said they had copied it directly off the scrolls into a sturdier format. Then he told me it was about some priest willing to give it up to his god, who had tentacles. They think it's an ancient account of a self-sacrifice to a kraken." Tony got poured more liquor into his empty coffee cup and walked off.

"With some of those researchers, it doesn't really surprise me," Bucky muttered as he walked off. "Let me know when he wakes up. I need a shower."

"I guess that was their version of hentai," Bruce said. Natasha hit him on the arm with her tablet. "It sounds like it."

"It does but still disgusting."

"I don't want to know what you're talking about," Steve said.

"Hey, JARVIS?" Clint called. The AI sighed and put up an example of it. Which made Bruce blush and walk off shaking his head. Natasha shuddered. Clint grinned at Steve. Stark started to come back into the room but turned green and left.

"Thanks," Steve said. "I knew I didn't want to know."

Xander squinted at the screen. "Hey, it's Gary's favorite one. The girl's not drawn very well but he likes blow up dolls over real people anyway." He put his head back down. "Quit knocking me out please?"

"Yeah, as long as I can get that thought out of my head," Steve said.

Xander grinned up at him. "The girls in the house caught the guys in Research having a hentai binge on the main communal room's tv. They warned Andrew because he's easily embarrassed. Then they stripped down to skimpy bras and panties, and some with stockings because they had been on club hunts, and went to club dance in front of the tv until the guys all got *real* uncomfortable at seeing living, human, pretty girls and ran for their lives to cry about it. Faith grounded them for not putting on the slutty panties and bras. Buffy went on a prude fit until Giles sent her to a spa for a week to recover." He put his head back down. "I was so proud of the girls."

"I might have done that if I was a teenager," Natasha agreed. "Just so they could not do it again."

"Giles got them their own tv for that use. That way the girls couldn't get curious." He yawned. "I don't know why I'm tired."

"Rest, Xander. We can start tutoring you again after lunch," Steve said, walking off rubbing his head. "I didn't know I could get real headaches anymore," he muttered. Bucky walked past him. "Don't ask."

"I don't need to. JARVIS let me hear." He went to get Steve something for the headache and himself a beer. It was early but he deserved it. Xander really did live up to the chaos legacy he was born to sometimes.

***

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