Hunting Past Haunts.
Wade, Xander, and Cable were on patrol hunting for a thing that had eaten half a houseful of students. "A mummy?" Wade complained as they walked. "Seriously!"
"It's not like she was wrapped in bandages, Wade. She looked like the foreign exchange student she was pretending to be. She just wanted a real life." He looked at Cable. Who just grunted and shook his head. "Guys, she was an Aztec sacrificial princess. She didn't want to be one but she was chosen and killed against her will. All she wanted was a real life doing normal girl things. Just like Buffy did. And the other girls want.
"She looked like a confused exchange student. Buffy said she brought guy's clothes thanks to her first feeding but otherwise she was just a girl that wanted to do girl things. Like date and go to a dance. And really, I didn't do more than hold her hand once. We found out during the dance that she was a mummy when she tried to eat Buffy and couldn't do it because I told her to eat me instead." He shrugged. "She's part of a traveling show. The last I heard she was in Connecticut. I can see if she's local so I can introduce you."
"No thanks," Cable said. "I've met some of your former dates. They're creepy."
Xander rolled his eyes with a sigh. Wade was giggling at that. Xander had picked up some of his mannerisms. Xander looked at him then at Cable. "I'm making Russell go to the museum anyway. You can come with us."
"Not my thing," Wade quipped. "Too wholesome."
"No thanks. I don't want education this week," Cable agreed.
"Fine. I'll bring the kid with me. He could use the educational stuff." He stopped to stare at the footprints. "When did it switch to paws?" Wade looked and they backtracked to find the path again. "Oh, hey, they fought apparently."
"I'll get the paws," Wade said, jogging off.
"Thanks. Make sure it's harmful. We don't know this thing won't eat a werebeing so it could've been protecting itself." He followed the tracks of that being instead. It looked like it might be a ghoul. Or maybe another version of the same thing. Yup, it was a Norse version of a ghoul. They trapped it and burned it. Wade came back patting his new scratches. "It dangerous?" Xander asked. "Thankfully you have some healing skills."
"It attacked me but another one stopped her and told her I wasn't a problem." Wade stared at him. "Can I change thanks to cuts?"
"The virus that changes you can be transmitted by blood or spit."
"Fur would be better than the scars anyway," Wade said, walking off with them. "You get it?" Cable nodded. "Okay. Now what?"
"Three raising if Kara didn't get them on her way to feed Piotr because he keeps forgetting to eat. I really have to nag that boy."
"He's been busy," Cable said patiently.
"Yup but he still has to eat. I don't know if he's trying not to eat to let the girls have more or not. Maybe I'll tie him down and feed him like a good grandmother should."
"Wearing the head scarf?" Wade guessed. Xander grinned and nodded. "I can ask Al if you can borrow a dress too."
"The girls have plenty and I fit into some of theirs better than they do." They walked off together, letting Cable shake his head and moan some more. It was a fun game seeing how far they had to go before Cable groaned like they were weird. Xander spotted a friend and ran over to pounce him with a squeal, kissing him. "Hi!"
"Shit!" He got free of Xander, staring at him. "Xander!" Xander grinned. "Why did you do that?"
"Because your buddy here is a vampy vamp," he said with a smirk for the vampire.
"I'm just anemic."
"Harmony bragged for weeks that she had you turned because she really likes your self help books." Xander grinned at him. "We can prove it. Give me a thumb, dude." He pulled out his pocket knife. "Vamps don't bleed right."
"I..." He looked at the other guy. "I...you know me."
"Yeah. I came to you because I liked your self help books too." He looked at Xander. "How do you know that vampire empowerment group, Xander?"
"I went to high school with Harmony. I dated her head cheerleader for a bit."
"You're *that* Xander?" he demanded. Xander nodded with an evil smirk. "Shit."
"Yeah. Uh-huh. And a lot of stupid shit went down back then. It was Sunnydale." He looked at the vampire, who Wade was now standing behind. "Deadpool, this is Dougie," he said with a point at him. "I got a few things from him to help my girls in lower Africa."
"That's good. We like it when the girls have better weapons. It means they don't have to take on huge demons with a sword again." The vampire turned to look at him, going even more pale. Deadpool grinned and wiggled his fingers. "Hey. How're you?"
"Oh, shit," the vampire moaned. "Harmony warned us about you because you're evil and demonic even if you're not. Dru warned her about you."
"Dru's in town?" Xander asked. "Shit. I need to warn my girls." He called home. "It's me. Just found out Dru's either in town now or has been in town. Yeah, you warn Buffy so she can scream and rant about Dru around you, Kara." He hung up and tucked his phone back into his pocket. "So, anyway." He grinned. "We only leave vampires who don't hurt people alone. Are you like that?"
"I..." He looked at Xander then at Deadpool. "You're going to have him kill me?"
Xander shook his head. "Why would I need someone else to kill a vampire for me? Dude, I've been doing this half my life almost." The guy let out a nervous laugh. "Yeah, Harmony still thinks I'm harmless. Pity. Now, are you a non-feeder?"
"I can change!"
Xander sighed, staring at him, one hand on his hip. "Really? How many have you eaten? And who? Your wife, kids? Assistant?"
"My assistant. I'd be lost without her," he moaned. "Not my wife, and eww, I'd never hurt my kids."
"You'd be shocked about how usual that is," Xander said dryly. "Especially teenage kids." He stared at him. "So...."
"I'll never feed on a human to the point of turning them again! I'm going to be helping Harmony with her mission to be better vampires and living the organic life."
Xander looked at his buddy, who was shuddering. Then at the guy. "Sure. If I catch you again though..." He stared at him. The guy nodded, backing away from him sideways so he didn't run into the masked guy behind him. Xander turned away to talk to his buddy but the vampire came back to attack him and Xander ducked then beheaded him.
"I gave you a warning, dude. Should've listened." He dusted his blade off by blowing on it then put it back onto his back. "So, anyway." He grinned. "I found something your brother would probably really like but it's too dangerous to give it to him unless I get a blood vow that he'll help us when Thanos gets here if he gains powers and agrees to never come near the slayers."
His friend blinked slowly. "Really?"
"Because I've been supporting the girls and they're super expensive. Even without the clothes stuff they're super expensive. Hell, I spend nearly a grand a week to feed the house right now." His buddy shuddered but nodded. "Tell him I found the Aritaxian orb. And an activator potion he might have to tweak. Ten, total, real cash. ETF is fine."
"I...yeah, I can do that, Xander. When did you learn to do that?"
"Tenth grade." He shrugged but grinned. "It's why I train slayers now." His buddy slumped. "What did you think I was doing in Africa?"
"I thought you were doing some sort of missionary work with some ethical eliminations on the side."
"Well...some weeks, yeah. Mostly because I needed stuff for an apocalypse battle or I ran into a germ doc though. Most of the time I was training slayers and fighting with them."
His buddy pouted. "Wow. I had no idea you were that hard."
"Yeah, had to become that hard so I survived high school." He shrugged. "Sorry to blow that notion, Dougie."
"I thought you were training mutants or something."
"Well, a few of the slayers are actually both." He grinned. "They're some of my favorite ones because they never need nagged about more than schoolwork. Training they usually want to do."
Dougie nodded. "Fine. I'll tell my brother that. Thank you for sparing me, Xander."
Xander put a hand on his arm. "You're not turned, right?"
"Then why would I get you?"
"To cover up that one?"
"Dude, everyone around here pretty well knows I'm a Watcher now. Even the NYPD. They call me and wake me up in the middle of the night when we've had a club that was too full of nibbly ones. I get called for all sorts of weird things happening even if they aren't demon related. I'm pretty sure Harmony's second back there taping will spread it to show how evil hunters are." He turned to grin and wave at them. "Hey. Oh, hey, Dru." He nodded then looked at his buddy again. "So...."
"Not turned, Xander. Yeah, I can tell my brother that."
"You might wanna flee," Deadpool said. "Dru's not sane." From what few stories he'd heard he knew a little bit about her. Watching her, she looked like she belonged in Fleetwood Mac as a backup singer. She was even humming in happiness.
"I can do that." He ran for his car, Xander shooting a few vamps that tried him to make sure he got there. There wasn't one in his backseat thankfully so he got away from all that and called others to warn them. He had no idea that Xander was actually that dangerous! Some of their mutual acquaintances would be very disappointed in that.
Xander turned to look at the vampires. "I only give passes on those who don't kill to feed. You guys know that."
"You were in Sunnydale?" the taping vampire demanded.
"Yeah. I'm the same Xander that used to date Cordelia. Who is now the Messenger for the Powers That Be." He looked at Dru. "You never told me how badly visions hurt, Dru. I should pout about that. If I had known I would've stocked up on the herbal stuff I use before I needed it."
She wandered over, swaying as she walked. She sniffed him. "Kitten," she said with a smile. He smirked back. She licked his neck. Then she moaned. "The stars do talk to you."
"Yeah, unfortunately. And eyes off the neck, Dru. I'm not being turned. I'm responsible for a ton of young girls who'll some day follow Buffy's footsteps."
"Poo, that's no fun. We could be a great family, Kitten. I'm a great Mummy to my childer."
Xander shook his head. "No thanks."
"You could make many children that way. You smell like you can't from the mean fish people."
Xander shrugged. "I'm raising a bunch right now. Including one of my slayers' babies." He grinned. "Her little boy's so cute and loves to play with my dagger already." She moaned. "And you will not come near the baby slayers or I will have to react." He turned to face her better. "So, why're you in town? Beyond screwing up Harmony's peaceful vampires."
"They're an odd thing, Kitten. Very wrong minded. Vampires do not eat yogurt unless it's a topping on our favorite toy! Or do yoga! They even have sex without chains or straps or ropes! It's wrong! Good girls like Miss Edith only get into those positions when their daddies make them with chains and spankings."
"Not everyone likes bondage," Wade reminded her.
She pouted at him. "Vampires like such things. It's in our demon's nature." She walked over to sniff him as she walked around him. "You smell enticing," she moaned, moving closer.
"Dru, everyone wants me to take him in as my husband so hands off him." She pouted at him. "Sorry! If you turn me I'll try to turn him but you can't turn me until all my baby slayers are older. I've got a duty to perform. And a huge battle in about three months."
She pouted and came back to kiss him. "I can make you stronger."
"I have to go fight in Africa against a universal power. That means in the sunlight. If I don't, there's no earth. No humans for vamps to eat. No vamps to be pretty. Nothing will survive." She slumped, pouting at him. "Sorry."
"Will you at least dance with me?"
"I'm a dork at formal dancing."
"You're very good at it from what Spike said."
"I don't know how Spike saw me dancing but I totally suck at anything but club dancing and you don't do that, Dru."
"No one's danced with me since Daddy left to be happy." Xander sighed but nodded, pulling up some music on his phone and putting into his pocket so he could give her one waltz. She clapped, bouncing some as she took his hands. He let her lead because he had no idea of any of the steps. She tried to bite him during it but he headbutted her, making her moan and compare him to Angelus again. So he let her go with a spin and a wink. "Kitten, I'll be back after that one is gone. The stars say it's important for you to go to him and take that stone. The stone might even become a panty friend."
"No, I don't need to compensate that way, Dru. My dick's plenty powerful enough without it." She giggled, running off. "Have a great night and no eating people!" he yelled after her. He sighed. "If I stake her, she'll get me in trouble with Buffy and others. Spike's back around and I don't want to have to kill him too," he said at Deadpool's incredulous look.
"You can waltz?"
"Anya tried to show me a few times. I suck at it." He walked back over, turning off the music on his phone. When two more vampires showed up he staked one and Wade casually got the other without looking. "It's weird but she's been hot to turn me since that love spell incident. She thinks I'm her dark kitten."
Wade lifted his mask up to look at him better. "Next you'll tell me she was your prom date, Xander."
"No, I took Anya. She demanded. I heard four hours of how she could torture everyone in there with poisons for being dicks and then she wanted seven hours of sex." He shrugged. "I quickly found out that she really liked being touched and toys. It saved my life that night," he said seriously. "I nearly died from the heart attack." He shrugged again and walked off to confiscate the camcorder from that vampire. Cable had it. "Thanks. Please destroy that tape?"
"Later," he agreed, tucking the whole thing into his vest. "Can we go back to normal things or do you want to dance with someone else?"
"If we stake Dru, we'll have to kill Spike for it and he's a new helper that the PTB sent back. It'll cause problems and I don't need them mad at me for any other reason. And Dru's a seer. Batty but never wrong when the stars come to her tea parties with her doll Miss Edith. She'd be a whole lot more sane if Angel hadn't tortured her after turning her."
Wade hung his head, shaking it as he walked off. "Damn it I have bad mental thoughts worse than usual. I'm going to drown them out with tequila."
"Have fun with that. I can finish patrol then go back to the house. Have fun, Cable." He walked off.
"Wade can handle himself. It's not safe to leave you out here alone. You've already found one ex and a batty set of vampires. Who would turn a self help dweeb who writes bad books?"
"Harmony likes his ideas," Xander said dryly, looking back at him. He turned and had to stop before he ran into someone. "Hey, Logan. If you're looking for Wade, he's going to get drunk."
"No one looks for Wade, he just shows up."
"Hey!" Xander complained. "I look for him a lot. He's stolen a few of my t-shirts and I like to hang out with him."
"Who was that?"
"The lady in the ancient dress."
"Druscila. She's a former Scourge of Europe who thinks I'm her dark kitten. She pouted me into waltzing with her. She's against Harmony's group because they don't kill to feed and they don't like bondage with their sex. And she hates yogurt."
Logan winced, rubbing his forehead. "Now I know why Wade's drinking tonight."
"It's easier to keep the older ones who aren't wanting your heart to eat happy sometimes."
"That and it'd cause problems if I staked her."
"Sure. You guys run that stuff really weirdly."
"That's a huge old Sunnydale story, Logan," Xander said dryly. "Seriously ancient history involved." He ducked as someone came at his neck, getting out of the way and staking at them when they tried to grab him a second time. "Shit! Spike! Stop it! I only danced with her because she pouted so hard!" Spike tried to hit him again so Xander pulled his sword and waved him on. Spike growled, standing away and glaring. "Not like I want her! She's all yours! I don't need more visions around me. They suck enough to deal with my own."
"Harris," he growled.
"You wanna be delivered to her in a coffee cup I pull outta the trash?" Spike snorted, looking amused. Xander wasn't. "You know better than that."
"Not the same Nummy you were then," he sneered.
Xander waved him on. "C'mon. Buffy can grieve over you again, Spike."
"Hey!" Buffy yelled. "Leave him alone, Xander!"
"Fuck you. He tried to attack me. And Dru's around here somewhere."
"Ran into her," Buffy promised as she came closer. "You're bleeding."
Xander checked his throat then shrugged. "It's fine. Just a scratch." He stared at the sneering vampire. "C'mon if you're coming, Spike."
"We don't stake Spike," Buffy reminded him, shoving him to knock him down. Xander rolled back to his feet, still holding his sword. She stared at him. "You trip over your feet."
"Not since I was seventeen," he shot back. "We all had growth spurts, Buffy. You proved it plenty by wearing things that were too small for many date patrols."
"Hey!" she complained. "They were cute."
"Do you want me to comment?" he guessed. She scowled. He stared back. "Really?"
"No!" she pouted. "What happened?"
"Dru showed up. She's against Harmony. I wouldn't let her nibble so she got super pouty and wanted a dance." He shrugged. "It was easier to give in and give her a waltz while protecting my throat."
"We can't really stake Dru or Spike'll cause problems with the PTB," Buffy agreed, looking at Spike. "You know not to attack Xander." She looked at Xander's throat. "You're still bleeding."
Xander glared at her. "I'm. Fine."
"Okay." She backed away from him. "I hate your temper."
"I'm not mad. I'm mildly peeved, not mad. Yet." He gave Spike a pointed look. "And he's not allowed in the slayer house either, Buffy."
"Um...he picked me up there."
"You broke the protections?" he demanded. "What about the little girls in the house!"
"They can learn from him! He teaches some of the classification lessons!"
"Which we have to redo because he intentionally screwed them up. That's why Vadma nearly died last year."
"She was uppity," Spike sneered.
"She wasn't uppity, she was religious. Some people are that way, Spike. You were when you were human. Did you intend for Vadma to be turned so you'd have a protege?"
"Hell no," he snorted. "Too uptight for fun." He smirked. "We can throw down, Nummy."
"C'mon then." Spike balled his fists.
"We do not fight!" Buffy ordered.
"Logan, guard her please," Xander ordered, not looking away from Spike. Who blew a kiss. Xander waved for him to show his ass. Cable's gun came on with an audible click and whining noise. "No, Cable. This is also old history." He felt the other vampire attacking and turned to get her. Dru. Not a great shock. He injured her, making her scream about her dress but one of her arms was useless for a while and then Spike attacked.
Spike got backhanded with his sword hand and then Xander fell into battle mode. Spike lost an arm, and an ear before he nearly beheaded him. Dru was trying to save Spike by attacking Xander and got her face smashed in. It knocked her out for a few minutes. Spike ran and she moaned. Xander looked down at her. "You're too damn dangerous to leave, Dru. You might try to bring back your daddy."
"Xander," Buffy warned. "The PTB will punish us by making things worse for us!" She struggled but Logan was good at holding wiggling things. "You cannot kill her. That's an order from the senior slayer."
"I'm not a slayer, Buffy." He glanced at her. Dru got up to try to attack him with a shriek so he staked her. She went to dust. Xander said an ancient prayer over her ashes to wish her well in her afterlife. Then he got up and popped his neck. "Okay. I'm about to join Wade in his tequila nightmare." He looked at her. Then at the staring vampires and Spike. "Run home to Mommy, Spike. Don't you dare come near my slayers again. We may be allies sometimes but today's not that day apparently." He got his minions and they left. Logan let Buffy go, watching her be huffy. Xander looked at Logan. "Is Piotr worried about how much he eats?"
"He knows the house has been overcrowded with the girls. He didn't want to deprive them. He thought about coming back to the school."
"I'll tie him down and nag him tomorrow then." He wiped his neck off and sighed. "The three raising?"
"Got 'em with Kara and Piotr on their way to dinner and a movie," Logan said.
"Good. Then let's go get a sundae." He walked off. Buffy was still huffy. "I'm not going to die so they can brag, Buffy. I didn't with Angel. I don't with Spike. Or any of your other ex's." She tried to kick at him but he caught it and tripped her. "You're out of practice. Sparring starts at seven in the morning and senior girls there go until I'm tired of dealing with it so Cable gets to take over." He stared down at her. "Anything else? I need to go redo the protections on the house." He walked off calling Penny's phone.
"Tell me you're home?" he demanded. "No, Buffy let Spike into the damn house! Please? No, Kara's out I think. Logan said he saw them getting the three raising. Yeah, I'm about forty away though. That's fine. You two can handle it. Make sure the back door's locked too. Some of you have been sneaking in that way." He hung up with a huff. "Let's go home to make sundaes so I can redo the protections. Mercy's already taken out two vampires that tried to get in." Buffy whined. Xander ignored it. Buffy was a law unto herself and he did not have to deal with her usually. "Shouldn't you be in Canada?"
"Thank you. Before I have to bury some of my girls. At least my ex's have never tried to eat someone." She stomped off. He sighed, glaring at her back. He sent a text message to Faith on the way to the car. Cable was following. Faith shrieked about him taking on Spike so he repeated why. She groaned but said she wanted film of the dance if he had it. He said he'd try. Then he warned the watchers still in Cleveland. The plotting ones could be happy that Spike turned on them.
"We need to bandage your throat," Cable said quietly. "And your arm."
"It'll last until we get home. I need to reset the protections as soon as possible. Then maybe I'll go blow off some stress in the club." He grimaced at himself. "After a shower and changing clothes." He unlocked the car and got in to drive. Cable shoved him over so he handed over the keys. Xander had a few other messages to send out anyway. The girls had to know that Spike had turned on them again. He had to send out an all mini slayer message to look up their profiles so they were aware who they are/were and that Spike at least was still around and liked to attack slayers. He warned Tara too because she and Spike were still friendly. That would hurt her but sorry.
Cable was looking worried but Xander was acting normal. When they got back to the house, Xander used the blood he was dripping to reset the protections against vampires. The two trying to climb in a window screamed and the fidelus came back up fully again. Cable pulled him off to bandage his throat in the bathroom off the living room area. The girls were all staring but he grimaced, tossing over the camera. "Tonight was a bad night. Buffy's mad."
"Buffy stomped off like a teenage girl," Xander said. "First it was a popular author of self help books then it was Dru going against Harmony's people and trying me. Then Spike showed up thanks to Buffy to try me for giving in to Dru's poutiness." He went to the kitchen. "Please have saved me some ice cream." Russell handed over his. "Thanks, kid. I'm teaching you to stake tomorrow just in case."
"You said I'm too young."
"Yeah but Buffy tried to let vampires in here and I'd hate to come home to find the whole house undead some night. So you and all them will learn the basics behind the self defense of staking." He got a clean spoon and walked off to call in a report. Buffy needed some help. The watchers were waiting on him so he nodded as he entered the call. "Buffy let Spike into my house." He ate some ice cream.
"Most of us would drink, Harris," one said.
"I can drink but I've got a house full of girls." He ate another bite. "And I had to deal with a popular self help author being vamped."
"Any other sins to admit to?" one asked sarcastically.
"Yeah. Druscila was there. She was against Harmony's self help group of vampires. She had someone taping the earlier staking. Then she got all pouty that I wouldn't let her turn me. I had to give in and waltz with her so we didn't run into the problem with the PTB we'll have now since Spike attacked me and she helped. Pity about her. I might miss having another correct seer around." He ate another bite of ice cream and chewed, staring at the camera.
"Do you have film or anything? We can have someone hack the public ones up there." Cable came in to run that on the computer for them. Bartemy looked at him. "I know the house up there has some costumed sorts to help the girls. Are you one?"
He nodded. "I'm Cable."
"He's a former soldier too," Xander said. "Had to handle huge shit with his people."
"Oh, that's fine then," Bartemy agreed. They watched the film, him wincing at what he saw first. "I know that author."
"I think he sucks like Willow's mom," Xander quipped. He ate his ice cream while they looked at what had happened.
"Will the Powers hate that you staked Druscila?" one of them asked.
Xander shrugged. "Self defense is still a right. Spike's got minions. Buffy let Spike into my house. I've reset the protections again to exclude any vampires."
"Good!" a few agreed.
Bartemy smiled at him. "I can see the bandage."
"I was scratched so I set them in blood this time." Xander grinned slightly. "It's a lot harder to break too. Also, Buffy may not be able to get into the house either since I have a huge bit of anger at her and the magic might've felt that."
"That's fine," they agreed.
"She should be in Canada anyway," Bartemy said. "Did you warn the girls?"
"And Faith and my girls and sent out an all mini slayer warning to have them look them both up in case Spike tried to get any of them since we know he's killed two slayers in the last hundred years. I spotted him with about ten minions so he may be a priority now. I know the PTB keep sending him back to help us but I doubt he's doing that this time."
"The Powers do hate you for being effective but not in their plans," Bartemy agreed. "But they also know that you're needed for an upcoming battle." He grimaced. "If they want to protect him they can do that. Take out his minions. Lock him up if you can." Xander stared at him. "It's safer."
"Can you stake an ally, boy?" one of the oldest watchers left demanded.
Xander nodded. "You forgot the Sunnydale team started in high school. We were staking ones we went to classes with almost every single night." The man shuddered. "We had to, that's who they were turning. Late teens hunt easier."
"We've known that. I think he thinks Sunnydale was the size of Cleveland."
"It was the size of Manhattan's island but only had about fifteen thousand people outside the colleges," Xander told him. "One set of schools and two colleges."
"Shit," he muttered, crossing himself. "That's foul."
"Well, yeah, but that was reality." Xander finished up the ice cream and tossed the container out. He popped his neck with a wince. "So, want me to ship him somewhere? Wherever he goes he'll end up causing problems." Whistler appeared. "Hold on, I have a visitor. Yes, Whistler? Here to weigh in on Spike?"
"Wasn't us. Someone wanted to make Buffy happy so asked a higher demon to send him back." Xander grinned. "They might want to keep him for the battle though."
"What will a vampire do in a battle in Africa during the daytime?" Xander asked.
Whistler considered it. "That's a good point. Still..."
"Take him home?" Xander offered with a grin. "Tying him up won't help us much and I'm not letting him into this house again. I already corrected where Buffy did."
"Is she in thrall to him?" Cable asked Whistler. A few watchers choked at that question.
"No, it's her ex-boyfriend," Xander complained. "There was only one between him and Angel." He looked at Whistler again. "Can you send him to visit Angel?"
"Maybe. You're right, him being chained up will give those military people a new chance to start their group." Xander nodded at that. "They're still trying."
"I'm going to stop that soon even if I have to use a wish," Xander said dryly. "Especially since one of the mutants I know got affected."
Whistler grimaced. "Can they be mean?"
"Yeah. She can be." He grinned. "Very mean. Used to be a part time villain."
"Oh, dear." He licked his lips, looking up then at Xander. "Take out his minions. Have a demon take out Spike so you don't have to directly. You don't need the bad karma points on the PTB's board, Harris." He disappeared.
"Sure, I can do that. I'll go ask a few demons tomorrow." He looked at the camera again. Bartemy was grimacing. "We have poker contacts."
"Point. You do have very nice contacts. We'll handle Buffy by sending her to a harmless location."
"Away from the other girls," Cable warned. "In case she doesn't think again. She didn't think allowing Spike in here would be dangerous apparently."
"Gladly," one of them said. "She could go to the same spa Rupert's at."
Xander grinned. "He hasn't had a vacation since Buffy died the second time."
"Second?" Bartemy demanded. "Why second?"
"The first time she drowned and I did CPR, which got us Kendra. The second time she stopped Glorificus and got brought back by Willow. And that may be her problem. She's tired and trying to find a handhold to give her some stability. Dawn's grown up now so she doesn't have anyone to nag and protect. It explains why she went back to Spike. She does whenever she's sad about things and needs to remember being a woman. Yeah, that's probably why. Yeah, I can have them sent together and take out his minions. Harmony's group may be down. Dru was horrified that they don't kill and don't like bondage games. And they like yogurt as more than a feeding topping."
"We all believe Harmony's a bit weird, Xander," Bartemy said. "I don't disagree with leaving the non-feeders alone. Hopefully they die off soon however."
"They've decided to start their own farmer's market group with their minions doing the farming for them so they have better food sources." He grinned. "They'll lure in a few donations each day that way. The city gave them a grant and everything. It was in the paper."
The watchers looked at each other then at him. "Excuse me?" Bartemy demanded. Xander sent the article's address over. He pulled it up to read it. One of them went on a swearing rant as he stomped off. He looked at the camera. "Why is she that way?"
"She was a cheerleader under Cordelia. She wasn't a brainy sort at any time and was very concerned about her clothes more than her grades. She was basically attached to Cordelia's butt by a string called popularity. She got turned on a post-grad trip to Paris. She dated Spike for a while until he started to date Buffy." Bartemy shuddered. "We graduated with Harmony, Bartemy. She's like those supposedly relevant people on tv with the dogs. She's trying to get interest in a show about her life and the group since she found out that vampires will be filmed by some digital cameras." He smirked. "E! is thinking it's really interesting."
"Do stop before I vomit," Bartemy demanded. He sighed and ran a hand over his hair. "We'll leave Harmony's group alone as long as they keep being non-feeders. The farmer's market may be a good idea for the city. As long as they're not killing and especially not using the bodies for composting, we can't really say much. Keep tabs on them. Handle Spike and send him with Buffy if you're feeling generous. Handle his minions however you blessed well please, Harris."
"Thanks. I'll do that starting tomorrow. Let me get some rest."
"Take some dance classes," one said dryly.
"I don't do more than club dance. Anya tried really hard but waltzing was before her time and it's not something I'm good at." He heard a door slam and looked toward the doorway. "How did you get in?" he demanded. Buffy glared at him. "She's here." He waved and hung up then got up to go face her down. "The higher ups in the Council think you need a vacation."
"I do not! You need to apologize...."
He held up a hand. "Whistler said they didn't send him back." She slumped. "Since I was told to feel generous I can send him with you on vacation. But he's not staying in this city. And I'm not putting up with your shit that nearly got the girls attacked twice," he said more quietly. "We've already had the girls remove vampires trying to get in." She winced. "How would you like to go visit Grenada?" She glared. "Pretty country, no demons, nice vacation? Maybe on the beach?"
"I can't! No one else is doing things."
"Bullshit. I do plenty." He found his wand and sent her to the vacation house he knew of down there then told the owner that he was borrowing it and why. That guy was a bigger named demon and he could send Spike if he wanted him to live. The demon laughed and agreed it was an inspired plan to get Buffy out of his panties and said he'd send Spike later. He said Buffy had been sent magically so whenever he felt like was a great thing but Spike's new minions were gone when he found them. The demon agreed that was fine. Xander sent back a 'thank you' and looked at the girls.
"Let me go liaison. Be safe. Cable, can you hellion watch?" He nodded. "Thanks. I'm going to talk to Harmony." He took the camera back, making sure they had the tape. It wasn't that far away because Manhattan was a small island. He walked into the meeting, making a few of the vampires gasp at his presence. He walked up to the front, staring at Harmony. "Ran into Dru," he said dryly. "And Spike." She moaned.
"He's going on vacation with Buffy again. Dru's dusted. Oh, and your pet author ate people." He stared at her. He looked at the group. "It is the present ruling of the New Watchers Council that we do not go after those who do not kill. Especially those who take from willing volunteers." He looked around, smiling some. "The combined Council just sent up a congratulations about your farmer's market idea and hope it's a good thing for the city." He handed Harmony the camera. "I kept the tape because it had me staking that author and Dru pouting me into a waltz in the park." He smirked at her.
"Dru was most upset that you like yogurt and hate bondage, Harmony." She giggled nervously. "So as long as your group keeps being non killers, we're appreciating having you in the US. More should follow your ways of non killing and taking from willing feeders." She beamed. "And we've got to warn you that in about three months there'll be a horrible battle in Africa that may mean a lot of humanity dies. So good luck there and hide during it please."
"We can do that, Xander. The one she stole to tape?"
"He ran off. Not sure where." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Starting tomorrow, we're doing a clearing of the killing sorts of vampires," he announced. "Because I want a few free weeks before that battle. If they wanna move, go for it. Leave the other watchers alone please. Cleveland's got enough stress that everyone's taking a vacation before that battle to quit drinking and relax for a change." He looked at Harmony again. "Any of yours, make sure they know it if they see me coming. Or someone like Logan coming."
"I can do that. Thank you, Xander."
He grinned at her. "Your camera guy didn't know I was *that* Xander as he put it." He smirked. "Saw Cordy recently too. She's doing okay as the Messenger for the Powers That Be. Needed some candy probably but doing okay."
"That's good. It's great that my childhood idol ascended that way." She patted him on the arm. "I can smell the blood."
"Spike. With any luck he'll be out of the area tomorrow too." He grinned. "He's going on vacay too." He walked off. "You guys have a good, non-killing life, people. And good job with the new market idea." He left them to their meeting.
She squealed and bounced. "Wow." The group all smiled at her. "Xander's really harsh on vampires because we took out his only light in the darkness of his life. That means a whole lot, guys. We're doing great things!" They cheered. "I think it's time we try different blood products. Who's tried blood pudding or sausage?"
Xander found Piotr and Kara at home that night, knocking her out and pouncing Piotr to wake him up. He grinned.
"I can move us back to the school," he said quietly.
"The fuck you will. You're not depriving of us anything, even sleep. I'm kinda worried at the lack of squealing and how dizzy you've been thanks to being stubborn. I buy a ton of groceries each week, Piotr Rasputin. You are more than welcome to eat your fair share. You don't eat half as much as Kara does." The boy relaxed, staring at him. "So quit being so noble and self sacrificing. And I'd better hear her squealing tomorrow before sparring practice. She deserves the happy, squealing time." He stared at him. "Unless you want me to send you both somewhere abandoned so you have to sleep together for warmth?"
"No, Xander." He was smiling.
"You sure? I can find somewhere with snakes, which she hates with everything in her. A nice hut in the middle of the jungle maybe?"
"Please do not. I do not need that."
"Then why aren't you making her squeal happily daily?"
"School is hard on us."
"I know that. You're the guy who decided to take twenty-eight hours this semester like a dumbass."
Piotr nodded. "I wanted to complete my studies faster."
"Yay." He smirked. "You wearing yourself out does no one any good. She'll have to start carrying you around like you're a damsel in distress. Should I find you two a tower?"
Piotr sighed but shook his head. "I doubt she could carry me."
"I don't. She's picked you up a few times during sparring. She can throw you over her shoulder and hike up the stairs with you." Piotr blushed, ducking his head some. "Uh-huh. And you adore her for being that strong. So I'd better hear squealing before and after breakfast, and I expect her to need a lot more food than usual. Am I clear?"
"Yes, Xander. I will quit being such a dumbass."
"Thank you." He patted him on the cheek. "If you keep skipping meals I'm going to turn into a grandmother. Head scarf, dress, and all. You'll be a good baby boy for Grandma, won't you?" He smirked.
"That is a scary thought. The only worse one would be Wade doing it." He frowned. "I cannot see him as a grandmother. He's too slinky." He shook his head quickly. "I think I sprained my brain with that thought."
"Yeah, hunger does that to you. Either that or lacking sex does it to Wade. One cause or the other, man." He got up. "Have a better night." He smirked evilly before walking off. He had one visit to make tomorrow morning that he shouldn't be late for. Otherwise all he had to do was hunt vampires tomorrow. And go to the museum because he had been hearing strange rumors.
Piotr rolled over to wake up his girlfriend. "I have a badly sprained brain. You must help me fix it before Xander turns into a grandmother."
Kara blinked at him. "What?" He told her. She groaned but pounced him to take the bad mental images out of both their heads. Xander could be happy with all the squealing going on.
Xander walked into the club, nodding at the bouncer. He held up the invitation he had. "I have an appointment." They led him to the office. Where he flopped down in a chair to stare at the woman across from him. She glared at him. "Did you forget not to eat the twinkies, Miss Frost?"
"What?" she demanded. "How is my snack habit any of your business, Harris?"
"Because the same military people who were torturing demons in my former town were dosing twinkies with a serum that gives cancer."
"Vision," he quipped with a smirk. Then he got serious again. "Uterine cancer. It'll start forming within a few weeks. Because you keep protesting you won't get it checked. The vision will come true of you dying in about six months by heroic action without you having told anyone. The only one who figures it out is probably Logan because he could smell the change on you." He tossed over an envelope. "The healer I know can remove tumors without causing other damage. I looked them up when I got the vision of them getting a few of us, including me."
She read the included vision, wincing. "That is bad." She looked at him. "How long have you known?"
"Four days. You were out of town and only let me come in today because today is your boring day. If not, I would've told someone like Scott and had him drag you to Hank." She slumped, staring at him. "You've got to get it checked. Too many people rely on you. The same as I need to start checks in a few weeks because the girls depend on me." He grinned. "Dawn's even agreed to let you give the girls their sex talks for her if you want. A few asked her about kinky sex and she's never had any. I had to fill in and I felt like I was dirtying them by answering those questions but better an answer than them trying and getting hurt."
"If they come to me I may be able to answer such things." She stared at him, trying to read his mind. He just grinned. "She's quiet today."
"We're saving up for a mass hunting event. We need the city to be calmer right before that battle coming up." She nodded she got that. "And we had an old frienemy show up to try me last night. I'm going to get his minions first." He smirked. "Spike really needs to stay wherever he's at or go hide with Buffy."
"She dated a vampire?"
"She's dated a few. She likes them predatory and dangerous." He grimaced. "I hate it and I nag the girls if they even think some are cute because that's just gross. You shouldn't date your enemy. I also point out her staking them during arguments is domestic abuse." She shook her head quickly. "Yeah. But she's on vacation and if someone finds Spike before I do he can go join her in Grenada. If not, I've got to find that woman a living love who'll put up with her asshole moments. Got any you want to donate or send her way?"
"I know a few dangerous men but not one that would like her duty. Don't you date the same way?"
"I'm flirted with by them. She goes out to hunt them down and pounce." She nodded once. "Mine have all been living too. Plus helpful for the girls' duty. I'd never date or fuck someone who hated what I do all day. Why make myself miserable outside the bedroom? And too many of them don't think about anything but themselves. It's pathetic. It's why I had to rent someone the last time I needed that level of stress relief." He grimaced. "Not a hint. I don't swing." She snorted, looking amused.
He pulled something out of his wallet and tossed it onto the desk in front of her. She stared, mouth opened in shock, at the card to an elite sex club on the west coast. He grinned. "I joined when I was eighteen. After I worked there for a few months." He put it back into his wallet. "I had fun but I need more than easy and fast anymore. I'm too stressed and uptight for that sort of fun." He stood up. "I hope I don't have to go to your funeral. Interesting, complex women are hard to find in this world, especially this city and LA." He left her to think.
She made an appointment with her usual doctor to have herself checked. She knew Xander hadn't been wrong yet. She had to fight this before she robbed the world of her genius. Though she might turn in his needs to his friends. It was a great rumor that Deadpool showed an interest in the young man.
Xander came back from hunting down minions, taking the soda Russell held up. "Thanks, kid. Everything go okay today?"
"Pretty quiet. The girls sparred then went to hide to watch girly movies. Cable's grunting more than usual about something. Wade's still fighting the hangover for some reason. Not sure why. Or he just kept drinking maybe but you need to change your sheets. He had some puss filled place break open. It's totally gross and it smells even worse."
"Cancer can be that way." Xander sipped the soda. "They get lunch?"
"Penny gave them sandwich stuff and told them to feed themselves. Then she went back to bed because the baby's kicking her ass."
"I can go check on her." He headed up the stairs.
"Brad promised a naked backrub," he called after him.
"That's what couples do." He tapped on Penny's door, leaning in. "You okay? Need to go see your OB or a healer or anyone?"
"I'm fine," she promised. "Wade totally messed up your bed."
"Russell told me. Let me know if you need to hit a healing house. I won't even enforce a vacation like I did on Buffy." He grinned. "She's in Grenada with Spike if anyone asks." He shut the door and went to check his room. Yup, that was a messy spot. He got the lysol and the clean sheets, carefully pulling up one side and wrapping the sleeping Wade into it. Wade snuffled but didn't care if he got wrapped up completely as Xander undid the sheets. Thankfully he could levitate him onto the floor, though the weight was a bit much.
He did bump him down and lysoled the bed fully before putting on clean sheets. Wade made another grunting noise but Xander knew he was still asleep. He went to put the lysol back under the sink but one skinny hand grabbed his ankle. "Just changing the bed, Wade," he said quietly. "Go back to sleep." Wade grumbled but let him go and went back to snoring. Xander grinned, going down to check the kitchen over. Cable grunted at him. "Wade's rolled up in the dirty sheets, I already changed my bed." Cable nodded. "I got most of Spike's minions. A few ran for a bigger enclave so I'll get that tomorrow."
"We can help."
"I shouldn't need any beyond one of the girls."
"Uh-huh. We can still help."
"They might move tonight so it could be a bust and a long hunt of finding them again."
"Assassins have to do the same thing sometimes."
"Fine. If you want."
"Yup, I want. And I want you to eat too."
"I had lunch out so I didn't have to share." He grinned. "I had actual fries because I avoided the hipster places." He heard a sudden squeal and smiled up at the ceiling. "Good boy. Did he eat today?" Cable nodded, looking amused. "We talked last night."
"Uh-huh. You should probably sleep."
"On the couch."
"Wade was laying crossways last night. I didn't want to use him as a pillow." He shrugged. "Beyond that, I'll sleep tonight and that couch is super comfy. I made sure when I picked it out." He looked in the fridge, pulling out stuff for dinner. Cable was shaking his head but that was about normal. He was often amused by Xander's usual stuff. "Russell, come learn how to carve up and bake chicken." He heard the quiet complaining but the teenager did come in to work on that.
The stove was new, it had been delivered that morning. Russell got taught how to carve chicken into the right pieces and did that while he got them seasoned and into the baking dish. Xander used the bones to start some broth going too. Then he went to check the mail, finding a large package in there for himself. He took it upstairs, kicking the door closed to wake Wade up.
"Hmm. Whatzit?" Wade complained, then groaned and fought his way out of the sheets. He realized he was on the floor and scowled. "What happened?"
"I had to change the bed." He sat on the bed, handing the package down. "When Mel was in Africa, she got burned for becoming a slayer," he said quietly. "We managed to get her out of the fire to save her but she spent seven months in a burn unit in England. I've noticed in the past that you have days where you can't wear clothes because your scars are too tender and sometimes you wear the suit because it works like a pressure suit for you. That's what she got after she got released.
"I had some made in your size and the invoices are in there so you can order more if you want." Wade frowned but opened the package, looking at the bags of clothes. "There's pressure, supportive gear for the bad days when you need the stretchy tightness to help ease some of the pain or hold on bandages. They're all seamless and there's some that're closer to what ace bandages are and some that're a silk blend so they're comfier. She really liked the silk blend ones because they're soft and not quite as tight but gave her a good stretch.
"Also, she found out that some of the rash guard swimwear stuff worked well for that. So you have some board shorts and some of those shirts, which tend to be tight. You also have a few full body onesies that have a hood for when you're being self conscious." Wade hugged him. Xander hugged him back. "Injuries suck and yours suck worse than most.
"I know you've had a few days you wanted to run around naked because you were too sensitive. So maybe this'll help. But before you put any on, clean your back? You broke open." Wade looked and winced, but let Xander help him clean that wound. Then he put on one of the silk blend outfits, moaning in pleasure. "If that doesn't fit perfectly, because I used an older torn up suit of yours as measurements, then you can have someone fix it. That company's out of London but do go through a local store. That's who I ordered through. Their card's in there too."
Wade felt down his arms, smiling at him. "This is pretty neat."
"It's meant to be light compression. I told them you had burns years ago and had a ton of scaring that kept getting inflamed. It's got a fifteen percent compression rating if I remember right. You can go up to forty easily if you want. Any stiffer and it might not let you bend." He grinned. "You can still steal my t-shirts if you want to put it over that."
"No, I'm actually okay with this." He ran a hand over it again. "Washable?"
"Yup. The silk blend is wash on delicate or you can dry clean it. Washing instructions should be in the bag." He smiled. "I'm baking chicken for dinner."
"Thanks, Xander." He hugged him hard. "This will actually help the bad days."
"We all have bad days. Should've seen it when I had to wonder why I could see an intestine." He punched him lightly on the arm. "Cable's grunting in the kitchen." He let him clean up and toss the sheets into the wash after pretreating them. Wade put on a pair of regular board shorts over them so he could go downstairs and not freak out the girls.
Bruno stared up at him. "Cost?" he asked, looking hopeful. "Canny?"
"It's to help with his skin," Xander called. "It's weeks away from candy, Bruno. Come get an apple?" He came running in, letting Cable slice an apple into a bowl for him with a huge grin before running off to snack. "Don't steal his," Xander warned at the first fussy noise. "You can come grab an apple. We know it won't ruin your dinner." A few girls came in to get apples and look at the stove. "Baked chicken. Broccoli and cauliflower mixed vegs." A few sighed but oh well. Life was like that.
Cable spotted Wade. "What's that?"
"Light compression gear," Wade said with a grin. "It's what they give burn victims after they leave the hospital."
"It looks like it helps your painful days." He nodded. "Like the suit only more subtle." He stared at his face. "You have another of those pustules on your forehead."
"I thought those were zits," Xander quipped. "I still get 'em too. I'm bad about backne."
Wade went to look and clean that up then came back to get his own apple to eat while he went to watch tv with the girls.
"Thanks," Cable said quietly. Xander grinned at him. "When do you get scanned?"
"Next month. After the battle." He shot him a look. "It'll be fine."
"If you're sure."
"I am. I had to deliver that news to someone this morning too." He went back to working on the vegetables. The chicken pans got rotated in the oven so they cooked evenly. Xander pulled out some bread to dethaw too. Russell went to do his homework in front of the tv. The girls complained about having to finish theirs before they got tv time. "That's because you ladies forget to do the homework at all. If he was doing that I'd make him do it all during the normal school hours."
"Fine," a few complained. The ones doing home school stuff from Cleveland all grinned at them for being pouty. The pouty ones got to pick the show they watched so it was easier.
Cable shook his head but was amused by the slayer fussing syndrome. A few were trying to fuss over Wade too.
Weasel looked over Wade as he walked into the bar. "What the fuck are you wearing?"
Wade sat down and grinned. "Xander found it. It's what they have burn patients wear to help with the scarring and stuff. It's light compression and it's soft." He let him feel the sleeve.
"That's very soft. So this instead of the costume?"
"Nah. This isn't for work. I've already got one set I need to dry clean too thanks to a sore." He grimaced.
"Xander wanted his few t-shirts back?" Weasel guessed.
"Don't be a dick," Xander said as he came in with Cable and Domino. "Some of us do for friends, Weasel."
"Fine. Sorry, Xander." He sighed, staring at him. "This looks bad."
Xander grinned. "The girls ordered me to find someone to fuck or else they were going to sell me to someone. So I'm seeing who's in town that might like to hook up before I have to go pay for it." Weasel pointed at Wade. Xander shook his head with a grin. "He's great to nap on and we fight each other's nightmares that way sometimes on the couch, but no, man. He's not into my massive amounts of oral frustration. I've been told that Anya taught me bad things about giving oral sex. Mainly that the girlfriends keep forgetting to tell me they've had enough." He shrugged with a grin.
"Leave me out of this one," Domino complained. "I had to listen to the six hours of squealing one of the rented ones did, Xander. Way too much stamina."
"It helps during battles." He grinned at her. "I'd flirt but you're way too nice to be one of mine."
"Thanks." She patted him on the arm. "Better to be too nice instead of too evil."
"Cable?" Weasel asked.
"Not into the kid. He's bouncy. Sparring with him is enough." He sat down. "Beer me, Weasel." They got their usual drinks, Xander getting a fruity thing this time since he wasn't drinking for stress. Cable looked at Xander. "Why was Piotr so upset with you?"
"I told him if he didn't quit being so noble and self sacrificing I was going to turn into a grandmother to correct it." He grinned. "I offered Wade instead when he complained but he said he couldn't imagine Wade as a grandma." Wade choked, shaking his head. "Said he was too slinky.
"This morning he came down to bat me on the arm and complain that talk had given him bad dreams of Wade as Jessica Rabbit." Wade fully choked this time, holding onto the bar. "I told him I could find that sort of dress for him but I wasn't sure if he was into that sort of role play. So Piotr went back upstairs with breakfast to take the bad mental images out on Kara again. She's such a lucky girl." He grinned.
Domino looked at him. "Usually that boy's way too uptight."
"A good woman'll do that to you," Cable told her. She blushed. He smirked a tiny bit. "We don't know why Xander seems to block nightmares from whoever's napping on his shoulder but it works pretty well."
"And still no morning wood," Wade quipped.
"Not my fault," Xander complained. "Other people want me that way. It's just you, Wade. Is that a problem you're having? I know of two viagra simulating potions and one that's a sex drug thanks to the incubus."
"Don't you dare," Wade warned, staring at him. Xander just grinned at him. "That's kinda evil."
"Well, yes, I can be." He went to someone who was coming in, staring at them with a slight grin. The guy backed away slowly. "Is your boss in town?"
"Fuck. The girls threatened to sell me to someone if I didn't find a decent bit of sex tonight. He wasn't *great* at it and he hated me getting off too but he'd be suitable to their point of view." He grimaced, walking off. "I guess I'll go rent one."
"I know a few who do that work," Wade offered. "Friends of Vanessa's. Want a redhead, blonde, brunette?"
"Buffy and Willow turned me off blondes and redheads for good," he admitted, considering it. "Anything but those two, even fake colors. I hate fake boobs. Or asses. They're just not fun." He considered. "Have to be able to put up with my stamina issues."
"Guys who brag only last a minute," one of the drunks said.
Cable looked at him, shaking his head. "He got pounced by a former lover on patrol one night. Three hours later he was still making the guy squeal."
"And you interrupted me getting off," Xander said dryly.
"That took you three hours?" Weasel demanded. "Need the viagra yourself, Xander?"
"No!" He scowled at him. "Anya and Cordy made sure I knew I needed to get them happy enough first. So unless they're squealing they've had enough I'm not going there. That's the sort of guy they trained me to be."
Weasel blinked. "You can hold off for that long without a cock ring?"
"Yeah. Giving oral sex is like that in case you didn't realize it." He looked at him oddly. "Most of my lovers have been expedient or necessary. And half of them hated me getting off at all. I can give champion blow jobs and then walk off to make myself happy once they're done and I've got the weapons I needed for the girls." Weasel moaned. Xander shrugged. "It's how I was trained. Not like Anya ever gave a blow job. Or Cordelia, who was only handy if you played football." He sipped his fruity drink and sighed, looking around.
"Xander, what happens if they tied you down?" Domino asked. "And just teased you that way?"
He shook his head quickly. "No bondage. Ever. That's someone trying to alpha dog me and I fight back, dear."
"Oh. Never mind. Who were that group of girls last week?"
"Um...oh! That group from Argentina." He nodded. "They were fun but I was stealing secrets from them the first time I met them. They had a fuck or die gas they wanted to test. It was so nasty it took two weeks to wear out and the sea life that got hit nearby got it too. A whole dolphin pod." She stared in awe. He shrugged. "That was a necessity, Dom. What did you want me to do, let them release it? I'd become the king of saving everyone's ass as I screwed them but otherwise it was boring. High blood pressure kills many moods and nearly killed me." He took another drink.
"Swingers club?" Weasel suggested. "I know a few."
"I actually worked in one in Cali and I don't have up-to-date blood and STI testing done. And one of the things I got exposed to was an ancient, dead form of syphilis that's not transmittable but does show up in bloodwork. But I guess the ghosts were right to hand it back in a here you evil white man thing they did." He shrugged and put his glass down for refill. "Thanksgiving," he said at the odd looks he was getting. "I fell into a burial chamber. The Natives got really mad. I spent three days dying of that shit."
Cable frowned at Xander. "You're really chatty. Are you already drunk?"
Xander looked in the drink then at Weasel, who was wincing. "Rum?" He nodded. "Rum and cranberry juice tends to make me flirty and chatty. Thanks, man." He looked around and went to flirt with someone tough enough to handle him.
"That's going on my list," Weasel said, pulling out a small notebook to add that to Xander's page. "Tequila makes the hyena come out to purr at people and use them as lounging spots while she licks their necks. Rum and cranberry juice together makes him flirty and dangerous. And chatty." He considered it. "Xander, any other liquor triggers?" he called.
"Combine those three and well...I don't know what happened. I woke up to some happy people though." Weasel nodded, making note of that too. He grinned at that mercenary. "Didn't my hyena flirt with you?" he asked with a smile.
"Yeah. I thought she was going to eat me."
"Nah. Hyenas are matriarchal and mine's just fun sometimes." The guy shivered but Xander kept flirting with him until the guy finally pounced him. Weasel and Cable got them sent into the back room together.
Wade paused to listen to the squealing. "Yeah, he's very good at making people squeal. He just needs to be made to squeal in return." He got a new drink.
Domino was looking that way. "What is he doing to that guy? I'm fantastic in bed or anywhere else I pounce someone but none of mine make those sort of noises."
Wade was texting a former friend of Vanessa's. She had heard of Xander from Vanessa and agreed the guy would probably enjoy being made happy for a change. She showed up and Wade paid her for her time. She grinned, going back to where Xander was having fun. That poor merc was sweaty, panting, and begging for mercy. She ran a hand up Xander's back, making him grin back at her. "Vanessa said a lot of nice things about you, Xander, and Wade made sure you'd have some fun yourself tonight instead of making everyone else happy." She winked. "He nearly done?"
"Please," the merc begged.
Xander finished him off with a hand job, making the guy pass out. "I guess so. I need more working out though. I do have to warn that I have incredible stamina."
She grinned. "Xander, Wade paid me for four hours of making you happy." He frowned a tiny bit. "Not into paying for it?" she teased.
"No, I've done that before but it was mostly stress relief."
"Then let me show you how good it can be." She took him back to her chosen hotel room. It had condoms and stuff already there. Xander was well built but had a lot of scars from fighting for years. "Anything you won't do?"
"Bondage. Not a lot of pain?"
"I can handle that." She shoved him onto the bed, helping him strip. "I heard a dirty rumor that you used to strip," she teased as she took off her shirt.
"My car broke down. Technically I worked in the kitchen of the Fabulous Ladies Nite Club. All but about seven times out of my six weeks there. Then I had to fill in." He grimaced. "I sucked so badly at it. Now and then I do it to tease someone I need something from." She straddled his lap. "Anya always taught me to get the girl off first."
"I've got me. This is all you, Xander." She kissed him gently. She could rock his world. Though he did help her have at least two orgasms because he had been trained to never get off without her getting happy too. He just couldn't do it. So it was a good few hours. And he cuddled like he was a teddybear. That was probably the most happy night she'd had in years. And he didn't care how she gave him a blow job, he just got happy he got one. That Anya lady had seriously ruined that poor man's style. Nearly at the end of their time she smiled at him. "What else did she train you in?"
"Anya wanted at least five a night and liked toys and oral sex." He grinned. "I'm damn good with both those." She giggled. He flipped her over to show her, making her moan and squeal and clench up until she got off with a loud roar of pleasure. He grinned into her skin. "Should I keep going?"
She moaned so he went back to it. He was playing her body like it was a fine instrument. She was his audience and she did appreciate all the practice that boy had put into his performance. But she still needed to finish getting him off.
This, she was going to brag about.
And he paid her for the extra time too. Plus a tip. He was a nice guy.
Wade heard from that young woman the next morning who thanked him for introducing her to Xander. He was worth all the hype plus some. And could Wade please come bring her to her chiropractor appointment? None of her friends were awake yet. He agreed, going to help her get her back straightened out. He looked at her as she stumbled out of her residence hotel, looking at her over the top of his sunglasses. "Are you that weak?" he asked with a smirk.
"Baby, that Xander boy has evil levels of stamina. I broke him down so many times it wasn't funny but then I asked him why the other girls got so squealy. Four hours later...." Wade grinned at her. She pinched him on the shoulder. "That boy needs a harem and he seriously isn't used to being the guy on top anymore. And whoever Anya was, she needed help because clearly she had problems if she needed five orgasms to sleep a night."
He helped her into the cab, making her hiss and wince and grab her back. "Ow." Wade got in and Dopinder drove them off. "Next time he's bouncy, send him over. I'll clear my schedule for that man. Because, OMG, that boy had skills. Way too many skills. And not in that too may positions to prove my prowess way either. There's some people who should be writing epic poetry to that boy's skills. Especially his tongue and fingers." She sighed as she shifted. "Damn but thank you, Wade."
"Welcome. Xander needs someone steady. He's the guy who'll help you do whatever you need to with only a few grimaces but no one does it for him. And he's the watcher guy in charge of the local slayers so he's got battles and stuff."
She reached up to pat him on the head. "The boy needs a harem, not a single one, Wade. Even what Vanessa said about your stamina won't live up to that." They pulled up in front of her chiropractor's office and he got out to help her out. "Thank you, baby. I should be able to walk later." She wobbled inside.
The receptionist looked worried at the explanation of 'too much sex threw out my back and hips' so she smiled at her. "That man was a god with his tongue. Four hours of sex and only half an hour of penetration." The receptionist blushed but giggled, going to get the doctor. He had seen her before. "Doc, I ran into a superman of epic proportions," she sighed as he helped her up out of the chair. "Damn it was worth it though."
He grinned at her. "I've seen others who threw their back out doing kinky things, dear."
"It wasn't that kinky. He's not really into kinky. I didn't even have to bring a feather, much less the whole chicken. He's just got a tongue that was blessed by someone or something." She limped back with him to have her back fixed. It was nice but this guy would work on her back for blow jobs so it was cheaper for her. And he was good to her back too. He suggested some exercises she could do to limber up first next time. She might have to try that. Yeah, she wanted to ride Xander's pony again.
Wade was helping Russell work out to build up some muscle and kill some fat while Xander was working on his flexibility across the room. "Xander, you know, you're turning into me. All you need is cancer and katanas."
"I have an heirloom quality katana but it's too weak of a blade for real battles," he said as he stretched backwards on the bars they had set up. "And no comment because of the army trying to get all mutants with cancer thanks to twinkies."
"Forgot about that," Wade said, frowning at him. "But we found out soon enough."
"There's still a lot of people getting monthly scans, Wade."
"Point. But you didn't...."
Xander looked over. "I'm damn lucky they didn't get me back in Sunnydale like they did Buffy's mom. She died of the brain cancer." Wade winced. Xander went back to stretching. "If they had done it out there no one would've noticed or cared. I'm kinda shocked they didn't."
Cable walked in, giving Wade a pointed look. "I know a few of the kids at the school are having monthly scans already. Including Rogue, who was crying over it last week."
"It'll hit some of them. I've warned the few I saw in visions off to the side. I didn't see her but that doesn't mean anything really." He groaned and sat up, rubbing his back. "I'm better." He frowned and tried it again. Wade came over to help by applying pressure on his chest. "Ow! Wade, let me up."
"Like the chinese gymnasts they have to force how to be flexible...."
"Yeah but my back just popped." Wade helped him up. Xander sighed, stretching around until his back popped back into alignment. "That's better." He went to work out on the weights. "Russell, we're hitting the museum tonight."
"Fine," he complained. "That's all boring stuff."
"Yay." He grinned. "Regular schools have trips there too."
Wade looked at him. "We need to work on your control too, Russell. I saw the grumpy lights thanks to last night's fight over the tv."
"The girls never listen to me."
"They never listen to *me*," Xander said dryly. "Welcome to being around slayers. They think we're normal and helpless but also in their way half the time. Which is why I beat their asses at sparring most days." Cable tried not to laugh. "It works on pouty girls." He got back to his workout.
Russell watched what he was doing. "Why do you lift that much?"
"My axe weighs about eleven pounds," he said dryly. "I've had to use it for over an hour in the past. Plus I also used to work construction while patrolling in Sunnydale and dating Anya."
"Damn," Wade said, blinking at him. "Seriously?"
"When my eye got injured I was interior crew lead of my site." He looked at him. "Yeah, seriously." He grinned. "Willow complained a few times that I was always too busy when she wanted me for something so we had to tell her about that mystical work thing that paid for her to nag me for money. Or help Anya steal from my accounts."
"You guys were fucked up," Russell complained.
"Yeah but that was being the helper to a hero as a teenager." Xander shrugged with the weights still in his hands then went back to lifting them. "Could've been worse. We could've been in deeper shit with an overrun town the whole time like we were when Buffy died the second time."
Cable shook his head quickly. "That's still stupidly bad."
"Yeah but it was Sunnydale. That's kinda the definition." He shrugged again. "We survived if we could and we got out of there when the battle took out the town. Couldn't ask for much more blind luck."
"No, not really," Wade agreed. "What was the battle with the First Evil? Buffy mentioned it to the girls to explain how to spot Bringers?"
"Bringers or Turok Han were the minions and the ones that took out about half of the potentials we would've had. They're the ones that blew up the old Council too." He looked over. "Eyeless, monks robe wearing assholes who are nearly impossible to kill without the scythe. Which we didn't get until a few weeks before the battle." He put the weights down and sat on the weight bench, looking at him. "The First Evil could take on the shape of anyone who had died at her orders. She's trapped in the seal but there's a lot of blood spilled to let her free.
"Her minions come first and then things get freaky and weird. Then you get all the slayers that were just activated by Willow the day before and go with them into the hellmouth seal against thousands of Turok Han so you can fight your way to the altar to have seven slayers bleed on it then fight your way back out. If you're the one that got their blood used to open the seal, you can walk back into it and close it with your blood. Which is what sucked Sunnydale down."
He stared at the horrified looking Wade and Cable, and Russell, who was making gagging noises. "Buffy was wearing a go pro camera in case someone had to know later on. It's on the slayer server but it's locked down with the highest levels of security. Kara, Penny, and Mercy were all there. We didn't realize how young Kara was but the younger girls who made it to us hid on the busses so they could be evacuated. I know Kara's had a few nightmares about it. Piotr got really worried about them the other day. She was assuring him it was a nightmare, not a slayer dream."
"I saw that and wondered how bad it was. Some of the things you handled were horrifying," Cable admitted.
"Yeah but things bother each of us differently. I can make myself disassociate from those things. Some people are traumatized by horror movies. Kara was nearly killed twice during that battle. She was behind me in my battle unit. Not one of the ones who was going to bleed on the altar unless she had to because the others fell. I suggested she talk to someone about it but she insists she's handled it."
"Can I read yours?" Cable asked.
"No, and if you ask Kara she'll probably clam up and run to hide on Piotr's lap again. It's not spring yet but she nearly got killed this time of year by an attack of Bringers."
"Wow," Russell said. "I mean, I saw the ones on tv but that was like a movie. Now you're telling me you were in actual hell battles."
"Technically, being inside the hellmouth seal is like being in hell's waiting room," Xander said dryly. "Why the interest, Cable?"
"A few weird things around the school."
"Has someone seen a Bringer?"
"Someone thought something going on might have something to do with the fall of Sunnydale. Some sort of singing curse."
"No. That means someone opened Sweet's locket again," he said dryly. "Whoever did that he'll show up to try to claim as his new wife. That was not in our last few months. That was before I left Anya at the altar so it was at least two years before the First."
Cable blinked. "Really?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I covered for Dawn. She was in her needing attention thing. Her mom had died. Buffy had just been brought back to life so she was stuck in her head. Dawn was pretty well pushed to the side and forgotten so she shoplifted and stuff. Got us locked in a house for a few days too with a wish." He grinned. "It's Sweet. He's a nice enough demon but whoever opened that needs presents for the wedding."
"I'll tell them that," Cable complained, going to the school to handle that. He ran into Kara and Piotr doing homework. "Piotr, the singing thing is a different demon and not related to the First according to Xander."
Kara looked up at him. "Why would anyone connect that?"
"Someone thought the present curse had something to do with that problem restarting."
"Hell no! We'd stomp that so fast it'd never get out to kill a mini again." She scowled.
"Can I read your memory of it, Kara?" She winced, shaking her head. "Someone wanted a report."
"There's film. Faith was wearing a camera thanks to some of the old liners. No idea where it went."
"Talking about them that way means I keep getting hit by Weyrs of Pern thoughts," Wade called.
She burst out giggling. "If we need dragons for the girls, I'll have to go to another realm and get mature ones. The baby one that got sent to Clint won't be able to handle a battle for at least two centuries," Xander called from the bathroom near the gym. "I'll make sure your big, brown dragon is pretty strong, Wade."
"I'd be a bronze rider," he complained.
"Do you really want to go into heat?" Xander quipped. "It's not what it's cracked up to be. Maybe a green? They're girls but they go into heat too. Just at a lesser level."
"Hey!" Wade complained. "Not a girl, Xander. I can prove it."
"Ewww. I'm not ready to watch live action porn yet," Russell complained as he stomped down the stairs. "The filmed stuff is confusing enough."
"Dawn gave us all our talks," Kara quipped. "We can call her."
"Emma Frost offered to handle some of the more odd questions about kinky sex that Dawn couldn't handle," Xander called. Then he flushed and washed his hands.
"Hey, Xander, why do people play with ropes and stuff?" Kara called.
"Don't know. Not my thing. Ask Wade. I'm pretty sure Vanessa had a lot of fun tying him up and making him squirm."
"Hey!" Wade complained. "Pick on Wade day only happens once a year!"
Xander came down the stairs, grinning at him. "Pick on Wade day happens every Saturday from three to four so you don't get uptight." He hugged him with a kiss on the cheek. "If you don't loosen up you'll turn into Cyclops." He walked off to the kitchen.
"Take that back! I'll never be *that* uptight. I at least have fun."
"I'm sure he did at least once in his youth," Kara quipped. "He does need a long vacation away from the school." She looked at her boyfriend. "We should send him to a nudist resort. He can keep the glasses on but he might actually have some fun there. They play volleyball and all sorts of things at the one I looked at for a paper in english class. They even somehow go horseback riding. They have a nighttime supper club thing where you have to wear clothes. They have some really great drag queens that come in once a week for a show too." She grinned. "That should seem familiar at least."
Piotr sighed and kissed her. He was ignoring Cable groaning and shaking his head, Wade laughing so hard he choked in a corner, and Russell making grossed out faces because at fourteen actual sex is nasty. "We have done too much homework," he told her. "We will nap until dinner to cure your mind. Xander, what's dinner?" he called.
"Pork roast unless you take her out to cure that mind of hers."
"We will nap until they are ready," Piotr said, standing up and helping Kara to her feet. "Are you feeling well enough to rest? No fever?" She pounced him into a wall to kiss him. He moaned, grabbing her hips. "Not in front of the impressionable children, Kara."
"He's got to learn how it's done someday before he follows Xander's lead and he has to pay extra for hookers." She grinned, then grabbed her boyfriend and hauled him up over her shoulder to carry him off. "Xander, save us some."
"If I can. If not, there's frozen pizzas and pizza bites in the big freezer," he called, grinning as Kara proved she was stronger than Piotr wanted to believe.
Wade waited until he heard the attic door slam to look at Cable. "Wow. I didn't think anyone could lift Sexy Metal Daddy. Especially not up stairs."
"How did she even lift him?" Russell complained.
"She does a lot of time in the gym, like all slayers should," Xander quipped. "When your life depends on your fitness level you make sure you're fit. Right, Cable?"
"Definitely," he agreed. "That and sparring practice will save her life so she stays in shape and practices."
Russell pouted. "I'll never be in that good of shape."
"We can work on your diet," Xander said, coming out to look at him. "The docs said I had to cut down your sugar intake anyway because you were heading towards diabetes." Russell slumped. "So yeah, all that regular soda? Nope. All diet from now on. Cookies are restricted to four a day." He grinned. "And you've got an hour of working out a day somehow. Sparring practice, in the gym, whatever. Every one of us had to start somewhere and you're a bit behind where some of us started.
"I was a bulky but not fat kid. I grew up geeky and weird. You're going to be able to lose that weight. You can post great glow up pictures some year soon, Russell. It just takes some work." He nearly patted him on the head but figured the kid would bite him. "It's not easy but you'll get there in small steps. Even Clint and Wade had to start from normal people levels and build up."
"I guess. It's hard."
Xander nodded. "So is running during a battle. Using your powers will wear you out on top of the rest of the battle stuff. Using it should be a choice but for bigger things than just any moment in the battle. That's why you're going to be learning weapons. So you have something else to help you save your ass beyond starting a fire."
Russell stared up at him. "Piotr doesn't have that."
"He goes through about five thousand calories a day when he's in metal form so his body can stay in that form," Xander corrected. "The girls go through six to seven thousand calories a day depending on what they're doing. I go through about three with all I do every day." Russell slumped. "You don't have the exercise to back up all the cookies you eat." He grinned. "We'll work out your new schedule tomorrow, after the morning trip to the museum since we won't get there today." He went back into the kitchen.
"Muscle mass burns more calories too," Wade said with a grin for him. "In about a year you'll have a lot more muscles. Because the only fat mutant who fights is the Blob and well, he just hits you with his blubber to knock you down or smother you. You probably won't get that big so you can't sit on some girl and smother her some day."
"Now's a good time to work on it," Cable said. "With your last growth spurt it'll help ease it some. You'll gain a bit of height, hopefully. I only grew bigger feet," he said when Russell scowled at that.
"Remember that comedian with the five stages of fatness?" Xander called. "You're fluffy. We can get you back down to comfy levels so you're just healthy." He leaned out to look at him. "We probably won't get to big levels. Muscles usually mean you don't get down that far. Look at that action star guy."
"They're white guys."
"That one in the movie with the cars isn't. His people are from down near yours." He grinned. "Look at him as a body icon."
"Fine." He looked that up on Xander's phone. "He is from my people."
"Yup," Wade agreed with a grin. "You'll never be a swimmer sort or a gymnast sort but you can at least get to the point where you can survive if something happens. We'd hate to lose your foul mouth complaining about the girls picking on you." He went upstairs to get dressed in his costume and came down pulling on his mask. "Going to the mansion, Xander. Have fun and be safe tonight."
"You too, Wade. Cable, are you staying for dinner?"
"Yes. That way you don't go out on patrol by yourself tonight."
"Fine. Even though I could." They both looked up at the sudden crashing noise. "I'm wondering what they broke," he said, considering it. "There's no ductwork or anything." Then someone came fleeing down the stairs covering their asses.
"And stay out, bitch! Before I flame your ass like I'm Russell! I can use a mean flamethrower and no cunt like you touches my man!"
"How did she get in here?" Xander called.
"She hacked slayer files so she could stalk Mercy," she complained, going back up the stairs. "We need to fix a skylight."
"Take measurements so I can go to Home Depot tomorrow. Tonight, put up a tarp and cuddle up for warmth, Kara."
"I can do that." She went up to do that, Piotr was doing that anyway. "He said he'll go to home depot tomorrow." Piotr nodded. "I'm wondering if Mercy knows she had a stalker."
"Probably. She is usually aware when she's being stared at." They got it covered with a tarp and then a blanket to keep out the cool night air. Cleaning up the glass took a few minutes more. Then they could remake the bed, just in case of glass pieces, and snuggle in.
Kennedy called Xander, grimacing when he answered the vid call. "I'm sending you Gloria's tacky crap her mother bought her to try to get her a man. Even though she's nearly a nun and a lesbian."
Xander nodded slowly. "Should someone talk to her mother?"
"I have! She's blaming her liking women on reading books." Kennedy rolled her eyes. "Gloria said the girls there could use a few prom gowns if they're within guidelines. Which they may not be. Her mom thinks she has to be even more hoochy than club hunting." She held up a lace leotard with an attached see through skirt in bright red. It had long sleeves but you could tell it was a leotard with a thin skirt. "You can't even wear that club hunting around here." Xander grinned. "What?" she demanded.
"I saw strippers wearing that same thing when I was at that club in Oxnard." She groaned and let her forehead hit the desk. "Sure, send it over, Kennedy. If the girls can't use it we'll let Wade's former girlfriend's fellow strippers have some." He grinned. "Any other frustrations?"
"Two of my girls think this is a *darling* outfit."
"Have that agent kid that you like to tease take them shopping?"
"I'm not punishing Eggsy by doing that to him, Xander."
"I don't shop," he reminded her with a grin. "Send them to the house in Libya?"
She smirked back. "That's kinda evil. Thank you!" She hung up.
A few minutes later a trunk landed beside his desk. "How much shopping did her mom do for her?" he complained. He listened. All the girls were out of the house. Wade was napping on the couch to annoy Russell and Cable. Xander opened the trunk and stared. "Sure, she wanted her daughter to be Julia Roberts as a hooker," he decided. Though the dress was too short for that. Off the shoulder to a v-shaped cleavage, rouched a bit down the center to an inverted v hemline. He put it aside and looked it over.
"Or Jessica Rabbit," he sighed. Another two packages landed next to it. On top was written 'prom gowns my girls cannot wear, they're trashy'. He opened one. It was scarlet with gold filigree embroidery. Unfortunately it wasn't really formed for breasts since it only covered the nipples with a spike of gold embroidery. It didn't cradle or cup the breasts at all, just looked like it should be painted on instead. And it came with a collar but nothing hooking it to the dress. He winced. "Wow, hos."
Russell came in and paused. "Why are you looking at dresses? Are you that weird?"
"The girls in London had a ho shopping trip for prom and the trunk is from one girl that her mother wanted her to find a man that way," he said dryly. He held up that dress and Russell frowned at it. "Yeah, women aren't built like that. I think I saw something like that at the porn star awards." He packed it away. The next one was solid shiny gold. "Hey, it's the rich princess dress," he said dryly.
"If she was wearing off the rack." He put it aside with a sigh. He came to one and stared at it. "Hmm." He looked it over. "It's sexy at least. Almost tasteful. Though the walking side slit ends at the hip bone. Hey, Wade?" he called. Wade came in yawning. He tossed him that dress. "Here, go use the air makeup stuff? I know you have a job soon where you can do that."
Wade looked it over. It was a formal dress with thinish shoulder straps. It was dark red with seaming to draw attention to the hip area and emphasis the waist. The boob part was a bit slouchy to compensate for having tiny boobs. It had a slinky slit up the front to mid-thigh. He looked at Xander. "More shopping?"
"Gloria's mom bought her that whole trunk to hopefully get her lesbian ass a man." Wade moaned, walking off shaking his head. "If you use that air system for the makeup stuff it'll even cover most of the scars, making them look textured but a lot lighter," he called after him. "And there's worse in here if you know someone who wanted a see through lace dress with big appliques over the nipple and pubic area. Kennedy sent it to make Gloria quit heaving fits at her mom."
Wade came back to look at that one. "Vanessa had more taste than that and so do most of her coworkers, Xander."
"You know some low class hos too."
"Yeah, a few." He walked off shaking his head again. "We can put it into the closet for now. Make sure her mother doesn't want it back."
"All these are cheaper, off the rack stuff. Nothing's probably over two-fifty." He repacked them and put them into the closet in his office. "Gloria's kinda uptight and really not a show-er of anything. Not cleavage, not knees, not anything. She can club hunt, and do it well, but she still wears fully covering stuff and just looks hot," he told Russell. "She's also been gay since she first realized what boobs were for she said." Russell laughed. "Seriously. Kennedy said her mother blamed her liking girls on reading books."
Russell grimaced. "Reading some of them might turn me gay," he tried.
"Fat chance." He grinned. "And if so we'll still like and accept you. Not like some of us aren't bi or pan."
"Hey, you had to try." Another package landed and he looked then handed it to Russell. "Go hand that to Wade?" He took it upstairs. In the box was a black lacquer walking stick with a diamond looking top and a pair of black gloves. He got the move request from Kennedy's email a few minutes later. That one girl that was hoochy and teaching the other girls to be ho-looking was now going to Libya to spell Serena, who had a sprained back. Serena was natively German so she was going home for a bit.
That was fine. He signed off and sent it to Cleveland. He got back a note asking why it was a good idea to move that child, who had never been out of England, down there. Xander took pictures of two of the dresses and had Kennedy send him a few of her in them. He forwarded them on. The answer back was 'understood'. So that was good. Cable stomped in, slamming doors behind him. "Problems?" he called.
"Dumbasses are annoying," Cable grunted.
"Trade ya. You can go talk to Gloria's mom for her. Gloria has class and her mother bought her trashy shit to get her lesbian daughter a man. Or you can help the girls go prom shopping." He grinned.
"Not a chance in hell, Xander. How bad?" Xander got up to get one dress to hold up. Cable looked at it, licking his lips. "I've seen strippers wearing that sort of dress."
"Her mother blamed her liking girls on reading books." He put it back into the trunk and closed the door again, grinning at his buddy. "They could use someone with taste taking them."
"Not a chance in any hell. I'd rather face an army by myself."
"Yeah, me too." He shrugged. "I did give Wade one dress so he can use it on an upcoming job." He grinned. "He's learning how to use the airbrush makeup system I got the girls."
"You're too damned warped, kid."
"Thank you." He grinned. "It's the reaction to shopping." He walked around him. "How's it going, Wade?"
"I look damn good in this thing," he called back, coming to the top of the stairs and turning around. "Look at this ass." He spanked himself. "Damn."
Xander whistled and grinned at him. "I knew you'd like it to get that mob boss guy."
"Point." He looked at himself in a mirror the girls had set up for morning checks on the way to school. "Damn I look smokin'." He went to change because Russell was looking real confused but trying not to drool. Piotr came down out of the attic, paused when he saw him, and started to ask then walked off shaking his head again. "It's for a job, Colossus. Gloria's mom sent her trashy shit and Xander donated to the cause."
"I do not want to think of you in that dress, Wade. It is burning my eyeballs and my brain is turning to mush."
"I know, the scars show a lot," he complained.
Piotr looked at him. "That is not the reason." Wade shivered, walking off to change back. Piotr got food and went back upstairs to hide.
Cable swallowed his spit, then looked at Xander. "Nice choice."
"Wade does have the waist and booty to pull that thing off. I don't. I'm too barrel shaped." He walked off. "I'd need a corset sorta outfit. No remarks on how I know that."
Cable rubbed his forehead. Russell was groaning into the couch pillow. It was apparently going to be that sort of day in the house. Then all the girls came in talking about school things. Thankfully the winter dance was months off and there was a battle between. The girls at the catholic school would have to wear a white dress for the dance.
Mimsy huffed and stomped a foot. "Why do I have to wear an icky white dress?" she demanded loudly. "I don't look good in it and I'm not getting married yet because that's yucky adult stuff! It's not right and I don't wanna go anyway!"
"Then don't go," Cable told her.
She glared up at him, tapping a foot. "They said it's mandatory."
"I said if they try that shit with you girls I'm going to have a fit on the principal. You're too damn young for a dance anyway, Mimsy," Xander said as he came down the stairs. "And no, you don't own a white dress. Nor will you for years. They can suck me and you can quote me when someone starts to get emotionally involved in girls being forced into that shit. Then call me so I can introduce reality to the ones who clearly want you to marry young." Mimsy hugged him. "Thanks, princess. Stay out of the closet. Gloria's mom struck again. Plus a few girls wanted to look like fancy hos."
"That's all yucky stuff anyway." She bounded off. "Are there cookies?"
"No. You girls ate all the cookies two days ago and I'm not going grocery shopping for another three days. You have to learn how to ration out your cookies so you have some all week." They groaned. "Tough, ladies. It's an adult skill." Wade came down the stairs, smirking at him. "Mimsy's school has a mandatory winter dance where she's required to wear a white dress."
"Are they marrying her off at eight?" Wade asked sarcastically. Xander smirked back. "Oooh. That's a catholic school. Yeah, that'll be a problem."
"The new principal's an ass anyway," one of the older girls said. "From sixth grade on we're not allowed to physically touch a kid from the other sex even if we're just handing them something. We were instructed to do like they do in prison."
Xander glared at her. "Great, another person that believes sex and hugs are equal." He rolled his eyes. "We'll talk about the other schools in the area if we have to. I'll ask the Overlord's people for recommendations." He went to the kitchen. "Get out of the fridge." She huffed but did that. "Thank you. Dinner's in an hour. You can wait." They pouted. "An hour isn't an eternity, ladies. You can wait." They pouted but went to do homework. Russell snuck off to his room for some privacy. Xander finished putting dinner in the oven and came back. "I'm hoping they don't end the inclusive clauses," he said quietly. "That'll cause a lot of problems."
"If they do, there's half the school gone," Wade said.
"I know. I'll be talking to him tomorrow." He went back to his office. "Keep the kids out of the kitchen."
"Fine. Are there really no cookies?"
"No. They ate them all, even the ones I bought for myself and hid from them."
"Figures," Wade complained. "How did you know about my upcoming job?"
"Weasel complained you'd have to get fancier than usual. That you were giving him bad mental images over it." He grinned. "I told him I didn't need to know and fancy on you was bling on your guns." Wade smirked back. "Anyway, the guy's an enema nozzle and I was complaining about him going near one of the girls until Weasel told me not to worry about him for too long and to ask you about that."
"That figures." He patted him on the arm. "That dress is hot on me."
"Yes it was. You do have the booty for it." He grinned. Wade smirked back. "That should be your costume."
"Not a chance in hell."
"Fine. Bunny ears?"
"Bunny ears I might do." He went to pick on the younger girls, who all pounced him to get him back by tickling him. And one very brave mini who tried to tickle Cable, but he just looked amused at her trying.
Wade went to the school a second time because they were still complaining about musical numbers even after he told them what was going on. "Should I start to sing?" he asked sarcastically.
"We're down to big numbers now," Cyclops complained.
"Have you found the locket yet?"
"No! It can't be that easy."
"Dude, Xander said they had it happen in Sunnydale. Nice musical numbers and all. He said the demon's name is Sweet and they'll be the new wife. Apparently Sweet decided to get pouty and not take him. Who has it?"
"Bobby," he admitted. "Though no one believes that."
Wade nodded, watching Logan singing at the kids like he was in a Broadway show. Then he looked at Cyclops again, grinning. "Should we get him tacky wedding presents?"
"Can Xander take it out?"
"Apparently whoever can talk himself out of being married to the demon. Xander did when he covered for someone else opening it."
Cyclops shook his head with a sigh. "I'll get onto Bobby." He went to talk to the teenage boy. He had no idea how he had even gotten the locket. He had probably shoplifted it.
Wade skipped off, finding Rogue and wiggling his fingers. "Go to Xander with Ellie," he said quietly. "One of the Brit girls has a mother who thinks her lesbian ass needed slinky stuff to get a man. He's got a closet full of dresses none of his girls are allowed to wear even on club hunting nights. Kara tried and Piotr about ripped it off her." He smirked. "You girls could use a good thrilling thing to make your significant others pant."
"Yeah, we can do that. Thank you, Wade. How do we stop the singing?"
"The demon's name is Sweet. He showed up because whoever opened his locket is his new wife." She shuddered. "Yeah. So whoever had it...get them nice presents. Xander said he covered for the one that actually opened it in Sunnydale and talked himself out of being a wife."
"I...yeah, we can do that. I have no idea who had it."
"Cyclops said Bobby did last he knew."
"Well, he'll make a pretty bride and I'm going to smack him around for making us sing for weeks on end. He can go to his new husband with a red ass and ready for fun." She strolled off. "Thanks, Deadpool."
"Welcome. You might also bring Piotr tea. He's been exhausted from classes. Somehow he managed to sign up for twenty-two hours of art classes and two mandatories this semester. Xander had to get onto him because they haven't even had time for sex and he's exhausted enough that he's caught a cold."
"I can do that when we come to get those dresses." She smirked at him. "Have fun."
"Yup, only one more thing." He went to find Logan again. "Russell needs control practice. We can't do that in the park or at the slayer house."
"He can show up here," Logan agreed. "The danger room has settings for that."
"I'll make sure Xander knows so he can schedule the kid some." He grinned. "Whoever opened the locket...."
"I need to beat the ass of," Logan said bluntly, smirking back. "Any idea?"
"I heard Bobby from Cyclops, not sure if he was the original holder. But the demon Sweet'll make him a nice husband."
Logan nodded, walking off. "Let me go tell the boy about being a wife."
Wade skipped off again, going to gather Russell so he could get some practice time in. Xander had him at the museum finally so it had to wait until tomorrow. They came in complaining about Sunnydale's wish meteor and Russell complaining it couldn't be real. Until Xander showed him about the ones who had been changed into kittens by it. Wade was just confused but it was a Sunnydale thing so probably everyone was.
"WILLOW!" Xander bellowed. She appeared, blinking at him. "Sunnydale's being excavated. Our former wishing meteor is in a local museum." He handed that pamphlet over. "And it's still working. One guy was smarting off to me about it and touched it while saying he wished his wife and mistress were both young and pretty. Now they're pretty teen boys." He grinned at Russell, who moaned. "But they've been clearly digging things out since the museum went with the second ring so it was underground."
"Who had that bad idea?" she demanded.
"The state." She groaned. "Please, spread the news." He waved a hand with a grin. She nodded, going back to tell the others while complaining on social media. Xander clapped his hands together, grinning at Russell. "Two page paper on three items we saw each. Don't make one on Ampata please." Russell trudged off to his room to do that. Xander grinned and handed over the pamphlet on Ampata's touring show. "That's my kinda ex."
Wade blinked at it. "She's kinda cute." He handed it back. "How bad is that stone?"
"Depends on who makes the wish and what they wish." He grinned. "I've got to warn the minis not to go near it." He settled in to type out an all mini alert about magical items in that museum's showing. With his luck, one of his minis would accidentally release a demon from something. Or an Egyptian god from the one place it was stuck. Really, that should still be in the Natural History museum but it was part of a traveling show too.
Wade went to help Russell with his homework. The kid was pouting to google search. "Could be worse. Two pages you probably have enough on already from the trip today." He settled in to show him how to BS a paper. Two pages was nothing huge. Xander did make him redo one for too much BS-ing but that was Xander being a bitch about education stuff.
Buffy walked up to a reporter while she was supposed to be patrolling. She poked her on the arm. "I heard a really bad rumor that someone was digging up Sunnydale. They really should stop that before we have to move back there to stop it from opening the hellmouth again. And if someone's touching my mother's gravesite, they're going to have hell to pay." She smiled. "Can you tell others so I don't have to suddenly go onto twitter or anything? I try to avoid all the nastiness online from the people who hate us saving their butts all the time."
"The state would want it to be a productive, tax paying area again, Miss Summers."
"Then they can stop the hellmouth themselves. I died there twice. I don't need to do it a third time. And if we sent Xander out there, the stupid hellmouth would probably try to hug him like the local one does whenever he's here. It really loved him. And if they're touching my mom's gravesite I'm going to kill someone." She smiled. "Can you maybe tell them why it's a bad idea?"
"We know almost nothing about the town."
Buffy beamed. "You should talk to Willow. She's all for exposing some of the bad old days that doesn't really hurt anyone living. Like the old mayor, who ascended during our graduation." The woman blinked a few times. "Or the demon under the high school that we got the eggs from for our egg baby lessons in home ec. It was nice it possessed us all so she could get undug."
"Buffy," Giles warned as he walked up to her. "What are you doing?"
"They're unburying Sunnydale, Giles. Are you back?" she asked with a grin.
"I am back," he said, accepting her hug. "Thank you for keeping things sane for a few days, dear." He looked at the reporter. "It really is blatantly stupid of the state of California. Also, a lot of the peaceful community may not like that as so many of them were killed there by the army over the years." The reporter blinked. He stared back. "I will allow Willow to release limited information on the town's history that would show their intentions. I will not allow it to hurt any living person."
"There's not that many people who used to live there who're alive."
"I'm still here. So's my sister, Willow, Andrew, and Xander," Buffy quipped. "And they'd better not be near my mom's grave."
"I'll pass that on, Miss Summers. Let me get someone to talk to the local peaceful community's council to get a statement." She hurried off calling that in. The Council was not happy. This could get very interesting. And what did Harris do to the hellmouth to make it cuddly?
Buffy smiled up at him. "Xander kept most everything down."
"Good. I expected that though." He walked her off, gathering Faith so they could go back to the slayer house. They had a prophesied event showing up tomorrow so both senior girls were back there.
Xander walked up to a reporter when he was supposed to be on patrol, glaring at her. "I don't do that sort of magic, lady. The hellmouth loves me because somehow I sucked up a ton of its energy. If I let it go on a problem I could create a new one." She shuddered. "Exactly. So anytime I show up near one, it tries to greet the energy I carry from that one. Apparently it thought I was cute too because it's dangerous." She fled from him and the two slayers coming up behind him. He looked at them, shaking his head. "Some reporters have the combined intelligence of a hamster."
"If that," Mercy agreed with a grin for him. "I think it's neat we can always tell when you're near a hellmouth. Though the one in Brazil still probably hates you."
"It hated I had sex. It didn't want me to find someone else." They walked off. "Let's hit the high spots then we'll go get a drink before finishing in the morgue, ladies." They nodded, talking as they walked off so he had to follow.
A reporter ran into them in morgue office, looking amazed. "What?" Mercy asked. "We're here to implant stakes."
"Mr. Harris, why does the hellmouth like you so much?"
He held out a hand. She took it gently. "Feel the energy?" She shook her head. He took off his protection necklace. "Feel it now?" She shivered but nodded. "That's hellmouth energy I sucked up over the years." He put the necklace back on. "Some of them think I'm a baby hellmouth I guess. The one in Brazil acted up when I had sex with someone near it once because apparently it's jealous and wanted me instead." He shrugged but grinned. "I get near any of them and they all pay some attention. Cleveland tries to hug me by opening and sending energy toward me."
"Oh," she said, sounding weak and faint. "Um...can anyone do that?"
"Nope. Willow learned how to channel the Sunnydale one but it still won't stay closed. And if they're bothering the town, they can die there. I don't want to have to go back to help protect some greedy assholes who want to grave rob."
"There's things that were hidden."
"There's plenty of things that fell with the hellmouth out there that we were pleased were now hidden better," Xander said. "Including the meteor at the local museum that has some sort of magical dust on it that can grant wishes. And there's a possessed obelisk statue that can release an Egyptian deity if someone wanted to that came from us too. It got sent to the British Natural History museum people by Giles but they apparently let it on tour." He grimaced but let it clear up. "I'm sure it'll be amusing for many to see how it's used. Though, I agree with Buffy. If someone touches her mom's grave, we're all going to jump down their throats feet first and I do wear big boots." He smirked. "She was like the group's mom."
"Buffy could have it moved," Mercy said. "But that's kinda tacky to disturb her rest."
Xander nodded. "Also, there's over a half-million people and demons who died in that town over the century that it was open. Demons due to the military project that was worse than the Nazis. Some were harmful but a lot weren't. All the humans that were killed by the vampires. All the ones who died thanks to Wilkin's ascension bid. You can count about twenty-one under two-months-old infants to that alone." She shrank in on herself. "We'd really appreciate it if they left the dead alone until all of us were gone at the very least. Go raid it in a few hundred years."
"We could learn a lot."
"From what?" Xander asked. "We had the worst education in the US for over fifty years running, lady. What do you think you can learn from all that?"
"You had a college suddenly become full of scandals."
"Yeah, Buffy and Cordelia went to a college kegger at one of Adam's college's frats. It turned out that frat was worshiping a demon for power. They killed it when they were nearly sacrificed to it. That led to all the problems being outed as its power ended."
She blinked a few times. "There was a what?" she demanded. "Are other fraternities doing that?"
He shrugged. "How would I know? I don't go to frat parties. Never went to college so never went to frat parties and I really hated drinking that much." He looked at his girls. "You two have went to college parties I'm sure. Any of the locals have that?"
"Not sure. You should check other versions of that fraternity though," Kara quipped with a grin as she joined them. "Supposedly a lot of other higher ups went to the same frat at different schools. Sounds suspicious to me." She looked at Xander. "Someone started to dig up the graves around Joyce's and got killed by some spirits."
"Good on them!" He grinned. "I hope they had fun with the dumbasses."
Kara nodded. "Buffy went online and vowed that if anyone touched her mother's grave she'd personally bring a vampire to their family home and watch as it tortured and ate them." He grinned and hugged her. "She's really upset."
"She has ice cream and can find a temporary anger cure," he said. "I agree though. And I know a lot of more evil demons than a vampire." A being ran from the morgue and the girls all staked it. "Nice teamwork, ladies." He smiled at the reporter. "Just make them stop it. Before the army has to complain about us mentioning the project we had to stop. It's classified but I'm not military so no one says a thing about me." He smirked as they walked into the morgue. "Hey, Doc, how many more do we need to get? The girls got the running one."
"That one scared me but thankfully didn't attack," the ME said, holding her neck. She pointed. Xander got the demon that had freaked out calmed down and sent away for her. "Thank you, people. How many more?"
"We usually ask you that," Kara quipped with a grin. "How many other bitten ones and do we know where?" She got into the current records for them. They had another rave situation they had to clear up apparently.
The reporter was calling that in, especially about that fraternity and that energy problem Harris had. They had to ask someone who knew about energy absorption.
Hunting Past Haunts.