Minions of Chaos.
Natasha hung up and walked out to talk to her teammates. "We were lied to," she said quietly.
"He's like that," Stark said dryly. "Which one did he lie about this time?"
Stark sat up, staring at her. "Excuse me?"
She nodded once. "Xander noted it to me." She tipped her head to the side slightly, staring at him. "What are we going to do about this?"
"We're going to find him a better hospital," Stark said firmly. "And let ourselves make sure it's not tried again." She smiled at him. "Go tell the others." She nodded. He got his computer out and logged into his AI, getting the help. They could search together, covering more virtual territory faster. He found him and sent her a simple message with a room number and GPS coordinates, then casually went to get dressed so he could 'go back to the tower to oversee construction'.
Natasha found the room and blatantly walked in, macing everyone who got in her way. She didn't want to injure the doctors and nurses. They hadn't been doing anything wrong. Fury, Hill, a few others, they were going to get her boots up their asses. She found the spot and nodded. "He's here, he's on an IV and two machines." She clicked off her microphone and gathered things so he could go somewhere better.
"Don't you dare," Fury ordered. She turned and pulled a gun on him. "We've got him under special treatment."
She sneered. "Really?" He backed away from her. "I'm sure we can find an equitable solution, Director." Transport people came in and Steve Rogers was following. "Thank you, Captain."
"I'll make sure he's in a good spot, Natasha."
She stared at him. The voice was wrong. "Nice image inducer," she said dryly. The agent ran. She tapped her microphone once. "Transport when?" She maced them too. Then there was a slight explosion outside. One that took out a wall of the lab building. She looked. "That wasn't ours."
Fury swore and found his weapon, moving to take them out. Not that a handgun was much use against a mechanoid.
She found something Xander had made for her and put it on her taser, then shot it at the robot, shorting it out. "That's better. Much less messy and in my way." She kicked the locks on the wheels of the bed and pushed it off. Their transport team showed up at the elevator so she let them take Coulson's bed with them. His IV was on his pillow. His two other machines were hooked up and sitting on his bed with him. They could handle this. She walked off feeling better. She stared at him as they got onto the elevator. "Don't do that again. We are not pleased to be manipulated." The elevator doors closed. Coulson was loaded into an ambulance that took him to an airfield. They airlifted him to a better neurological clinic that Stark had found. She met up with the others. "Did you get the agent pretending to be you?" she asked Steve. Who nodded. "Good. Image inducer?"
"Thing on his throat that made him look like me in the spare uniform? Yup," he agreed. "Broke it by stomping on it."
"Wonderful." She looked at the others. "I'm going to check on Clint." Stark pointed at a nearby good sniping spot. She looked over. "Thank you."
"The robot wasn't me," he said. "I came to blow it up." He hopped down. "We all good?" Everyone nodded. "Good. Let's scatter."
"I have practice," Natasha said, strolling off. "Give you a ride, Barton?"
"Sure," he agreed, nodding at the others as he followed her.
"She just had to leave us with that mental image, didn't she?" Stark complained.
"Not some of us. We've blocked it out," Steve said. "We don't think about our teammates that way." Stark gave him a long stare. "I don't."
"Uh-huh." He flew off shaking his head. "Maybe I'll show those to Pepper, see if she wants to take that up as a new exercise craze."
Steve shivered. "That's a thought I didn't need too." He walked off clearing his mind before bad thoughts kept going. He did not need to think about women that way.
Clint and Natasha got back to Xander's house in time to stop his current boyfriend from trying to take him. Natasha tased him from behind and he screamed but went down. Clint got his guards. Natasha looked around then at Xander. "They're not exactly good for you."
"I have no idea who he is," he admitted, grimacing at the bodies. "Should we throw them in the compost pile?"
"They're not dead," she said, calling that in. NYPD was happy to come arrest the bomb maker and his minions. Clint went back to hiding. Natasha got some water and took Xander down to practice once the mess was cleaned up. It would do them both good. Xander was tense and uptight. He needed to work some of that out and she was excellent at most things. Including diffusing his awkward hitting style and teaching him better. Xander was a weapons person, not a bare-hand fighter and it showed sometimes. But it was nice and he did much better then they got to the dance work.
Clint was watching from the stairs, staring in awe as they worked out. She smirked at him but he gulped some coffee and kept watching the prettiness in action.
Xander looked at the special room they had added on temporarily. He went to get their guest from the front step when they knocked, letting the paramedics put him into his new bed. They made sure everything was working and then left. He didn't need hospital care any longer, he needed longer term respite care until he woke up. Then he'd need fussing over and physical therapy.
Xander checked things then went to get Clint, finding him standing in the doorway. "Hey."
"Is he safe here?"
"The door closes like the armory's." He smiled slightly. "The dogs might be able to get in."
"I doubt he'll mind your dogs, Xander."
"He and Frodo do get along very well." He moved around him. "Let me start some broth going."
"Thanks." He came in and sat beside the bed, watching his former handler sleep. "Are you sedated, sir?" he asked quietly. "You never sleep this hard." Coulson shifted some but went back to a deeper sleep again. Samwise, the new puppy, rolled in with a toy so Clint played some fetch. Frodo came in and he found out Frodo could climb. He made it up onto the foot of the bed and stared at him. He nudged a foot but nothing. "Let him sleep, Frodo." The 'dog' settled down to rest and watch over this one. Xander brought in mugs of broth for them and left them alone. Maybe a healing spell would help?
Clint sipped his soup, putting the mug down on the bedside table. Coulson sighed in his sleep but didn't move. "I know, you're waiting on Natasha to show up?" he guessed out loud. "That way you let us cover for each other if we get a bit emotional?" No answer. "Then again, maybe you're sleeping until you get to see Natasha practicing those dances." Xander giggled in the living room. Clint leaned out but he was reading his email. "Cute pet pictures?"
"Baby pictures." He brought in the laptop to show him.
Clint grinned. "Those are cute." Xander grinned and went back to the couch. Clint looked at his handler again. "At least we know you're safe now." He finished his soup. And Coulson's mug because he was hungry. He hadn't been eating right and he realized that. He had to stop that before something huge happened. Another sigh, a slight shift.
Then an explosion outside.
Xander sighed as he got up. Clint was racing for his bow and quiver. Xander came out of the armory with something and stepped outside, blowing the huge demon up. "I said to stop that. You're interrupting people's naps." He walked back inside. "It's a cleanup situation unless he suddenly has a second head," he quipped when he walked past a staring Clint.
"Where did you learn to do that?"
Xander smiled. "All of us Xanders love weapons. They're some of our favorite things." He put the empty into the slot for it so the case would be broken down and shut the armory again. He went back to his email.
"Don't the hormones interfere with that?" Clint asked.
Xander looked up to stare at him for a second. "Danger holds it down."
"Unless I intentionally broadcast."
"That's good to know." He walked off shaking his head. Hormones were weird things to him. He was so glad he didn't have hormone problems like Xander. He had to learn how that worked so he could help anyone else that had them. Beyond the Director. He could handle his own.
Natasha showed up the next day for practice, pausing in Coulson's room to check on him. Still asleep. She looked at Xander. "How are you handling his personal matters?"
"Not like he's getting solid food through the feeding tube," Xander said. "And he's on a line. So I only have to empty the bag every now and then and shove some food up the tube with a syringe. We've been doing fruit smoothies."
She nodded. "That's helpful. He's been moved so he doesn't stiffen up?"
"Yup. I had the fairies doing it and his bed bath." He grinned. "That way he couldn't be embarrassed."
"That's a good thing," she said. "Let's practice." He nodded, taking her down to the basement. Clint was on the stairs again but he was staring toward the doorway across the living room. "With how stubborn he is, it'll be the middle of the night," she said to Clint while stretching.
"Probably," he agreed. "I'm not sleeping all that much yet."
She turned his face around to look at her. "You need to work on that."
"I know. I am." She nodded, letting his chin go so she could finish stretching. Xander walked around him to stretch and work on things with her. She nodded at his basic hand-to-hand tutorial. She had done good with his skills. Now it was time for the stuff that should make Clint *very* happy. And it did, but he still had some thoughts that interrupted the porn from watching them practice the dance. Though, what was Xander teaching her this time? "Is that one of the battle ones?" he asked.
Xander shook his head with a grin. "The wedding night one of his forced marriage to get out of the arena." Natasha rolled her eyes, but was smirking a tiny bit. "There's a reason. The second part shows a lot more skill with weapons. It's usually done with a sword." She stared at him. He moved into those steps, letting her follow along. Then he got them swords, moving to dance that full dance for them.
"Ah, and that leads back to the sword work component," she said, getting it. "Before was the training part, and the beginning of the warrior parts." Xander smiled and nodded, bowing some. "So this starts the weapons part." He nodded. "I can see why we worked this way." She looked at the sword in her hand. "Is it traditional?
"Their traditional swords were more like smaller scimitars. I'm a 'whatever works for you' sort about the sword part."
"Hmm. I might like a larger machete then," she said, testing the sword. Xander moved to show her how to use it better. She nodded, working against him for now. He took it easy on her but she wasn't too bad at adjusting. "Perhaps something shorter," she decided. "It feels awkward to have the tip all the way out there."
"We have a few," Xander said, opening that cabinet up. He looked over at Clint because he heard a sound like a whimper. He grinned. "I love swords."
"I can see that. If we're doing a remake of _Braveheart_ we can outfit everyone twice." He got up to come look them over. "Some aren't sharp?"
"Some are just for practice." He opened up the real sword cabinet. "These are for use." Clint and Natasha looked them over.
She found one she liked for practice weight and did the steps with it, nodding at the balance in her hand. "Can we sharpen them?"
"You're going to end up cutting yourself a few times."
"That will make me get it sooner," she said. "That was how I was trained."
He shrugged, handing over a blade guard. "So you can do the first run without worrying." She smiled.
Clint was noticing that a few other cabinets seemed to be like the sword one, opening one that showed handguns. Then the interior cabinet had better ones. He whistled.
Natasha looked in there then at Xander, who shrugged. "Sometimes a boy's gotta protect his own ass," he said dryly, cracking her up.
Clint looked at him. "Especially in your case." Xander smiled. "Any others?" He looked at the other cabinets. Samples and then real ones behind. Including grenades. "Why don't you have these marked in case someone like Natasha needs to borrow them? Or Crill?"
"Because I don't let her play with those," Xander said dryly. He pointed. "Smoke, nauseous making smoke. Heavy smoke with acid features when it first goes off. Poison gas, nerve gas, found the recipes online, and garlic holy water for holy hand grenades." He pointed at one in a drawer. "Regular holy water hand grenades for nests of things that aren't vampires. The one next to it is a capsaicin based bomb."
Clint looked at him. "Where did you find those online? So we can monitor them?"
Xander went up to get his laptop and brought it down with Agent Crill, who nodded and looked at the grenades before glaring at Xander's back. Xander found the site and showed him. "Do those work?" Natasha asked, reading the recipes.
"Yes," Xander said. "I fixed them." He grinned.
"We're taking in some for testing," Crill said firmly, staring at him. Xander shrugged. "No making more."
"I'm only upping my carryable emergency kit, Crill."
"Fine. In your case that's practical. What about your armory?"
"Most of it's still in the bank?" Xander guessed, leaning against a counter.
"Uh-huh," he said. "Can we look at the rest?"
"Now," he ordered. "Before I have to get Fury to come make it an order, kid."
"Since when do I listen to your boss?" Xander asked, looking a tiny bit confused. He was also subtly upping his hormones. "I'm not in the employ of SHIELD or any other agency. I have weapons because they protect my cute ass from people your people want to arrest."
"So?" Crill demanded. "No artillery in New York!"
"If it's inside the bank, it's not in New York," Xander said dryly. "Anything else I may have is presently closed and will stay closed until I need them, like with that huge demon."
"I heard. That's why I'm here."
"He did it before I could get outside," Clint said.
Crill stared at him then at the kid. "Now. Before I have to arrest you. And stop whatever you're doing with the hormones." Xander let them flow out, making him drop with a groan, going to his knees holding his stomach. "Harris! That's evil!"
"Only slightly," he said dryly, grinning at him. "I'm not letting you take away what little protection I have. Sorry but no. It's all very hidden and very few things can get into it. Even Clint can't get into it. Maybe if I married someone they could but otherwise, no." He stared at him. "If you guys need to borrow, you'll ask." He looked at Natasha. "You can do that, right?"
She nodded. "We usually do have enough time to ask. As long as you answer your phone immediately."
"I answer phone calls."
"You will let me have a passcard," she said.
He shook his head. "No I'm not. Because I'm not going to endanger myself by letting you borrow too many things." He stared at her. "Unless you want to track me back to Poland?"
"Not particularly," she admitted, considering it. "At least give me access in case you are somewhere else."
"Then Frodo knows who to let into the system in case of emergency."
"What if he's with you?" Clint asked.
"No one's taken Frodo with me," Xander shot back, staring at him.
"It could happen," Clint said. "We won't steal unless we have to but we do want an inventory at least."
"We can arrest you," Natasha offered.
"Then you can also go handle the huge ass demon motorcycle club that's going to have a party this weekend all by yourself," Xander shot back, staring at her. "Can you behead things?"
She considered that, looking at Clint. "Explosive arrows might work but with that many we might run out," he agreed. "Just the ones here in the house? We need an oversight person in case you get mad at your publisher, Xander."
"The only one who had one is upstairs. He snuck and did one," Xander said dryly. All three agents groaned. "Sorry, but no." He smiled. "Natasha, are you up for more practice?"
"I am," she agreed, moving to work against him. "I understand the concern but for safety reasons we should be able to get into them."
"I wouldn't let most of the people you work with into my handguns, much less my artillery," he said bluntly, staring at her. "No. Because people can take it from you and use it against you and me. There's no way in hell."
"That is a point," she agreed. Crill groaned. "It is very good exercise."
"I don't need to see you moving like that while I'm in this state, Agent Romanoff." He got up with some help from Clint since she was laughing. "Kid, that's evil."
"No, evil is the things I've heard are using my image in Europe to take out some of my potential dates."
"Huh?" Clint asked. He pulled Xander aside to stare at him. "What things in Europe that are using your image?"
"I sent Crill a video that I got sent by someone who wanted to know if I had taught them." He jogged up the stairs to get the laptop then back down there. "Agent Hill's here staring in Coulson's room." Natasha headed up to deal with her. Xander got into the video, letting Clint see it. "They're really lifelike but they seem to poison a lot. One of my wanters said he couldn't tell right before they poison him later in the film."
Clint watched the video of the three Xanders, which was a horrible idea in the first place, dicktease the two arms dealers. One kissed him, one gave him a blow job, and one let the other one screw him. They both ended up dying thanks to a poison. "Nat, this is really bad," he called. "They're taking all your fun."
She came down the stairs to take the laptop so she could replay the video, one eyebrow going up. "Interesting method. They don't know the dance?"
"They got hold of one of them but they do more belly dancing stuff from what the guy who sent me that said." She got into his emails to look it over, grimacing a tiny bit. Clint was reading over her shoulder. "I'm all for the bad, evil ones going bye-bye, but they wanted to make sure it wasn't me. Apparently he was offended by the robot."
"I would be," Crill said. He took the laptop to look over, taking it upstairs to show Hill, and Fury since he was showing up. "One of his wanters sent it."
"Why are his mechanical fairies moving Coulson?"
"PT so he doesn't lock up," Crill said, glancing in there. "They're gentle, more gentle than our nurses were with my arm."
She nodded, going over the video again. "That is a bit disturbing."
"If we could capture them," he offered.
She looked at him. "SHIELD doesn't need four of them," she said dryly.
Fury snorted. "We have plenty of Harris." He shook his head, putting the laptop onto the couch. "Where is he?"
"Practice space. It's Romanoff's personal practice time, sir."
"Why are your pants lumpy?" Hill asked.
"I demanded the right to test two grenades he found the recipe for online," he said.
"He's not allowed to have weapons," Fury said.
"Then you get to come unkidnap me," Xander called up from the basement. "The tougher I seem, the less likely I am to be taken. Also, I don't see you dealing with huge demon threats like the demon motorcycle club this weekend."
"Fuck," Fury muttered, going down there. He blinked at Natasha then walked back up the stairs. "I didn't need to see that."
"They say only members can do those dances," Crill quipped. "She's doing a good job even though she's not."
Natasha came up the stairs with her new sword, blotting the sweat on her neck. "It's an intense workout. It does great things for my arms and legs." She looked in there at Coulson then at them. "They said he'll be waking soon."
"Good," Fury said. "We had him awake."
"Begging for the opposite," she shot back. Fury backed down. "We will take care of our own handler."
"Then what?" Fury demanded.
"He can handle the Avengers members for any missions," she said. "If you need him for others, you can beg him yourself, Director." She looked at Hill then around. "Samwise." The dog barked. "Thank you. Wondering where you were stuck." Hill looked around. "He's in the special room. We can get him out later."
"What special room?" Hill asked.
"It's to help Xander with his hormones." She led her in there and opened the door, letting the smaller dog out. She shoved Hill in and shut the door, walking away. Hill came out a few minutes later shuddering. "It helps when he doesn't have a date or a way to wear things out."
"I can see why but it's creepy."
Xander looked at her, shrugging some. "Some of us like being touched. Even when we're not backed up."
"I understand that but it's not what I'd choose for myself." Xander shrugged. "Mechanicals?"
"Magic." He smiled. "Another of us set it up for me."
"That's sweet of him," Natasha agreed. The fairies flew out, heading for the kitchen. "Wash your hands," she reminded them before they could touch things. One flew back to land on her shoulder and open her arm, which had a small bottle of hand sanitizer in it. "That's a very genius design. Thank you for assuring me," she said, patting it on the head. It giggled and flew off. "Nice work, Xander."
"Thank you. Have you seen Morticia recently, Natasha?"
"I have not." She went to that garden area to look at her. There were a few baby plants and Gomez was happily smoking to get a butterfly that was flying around him. Morticia wasn't tracking it, it must be too small. "Have you fed them recently?"
"I released six mice near them a few days back," Xander said. "Aww, the babies are doing really good, guys." He petted both the plants. "Nice family." He saw the cat sneaking behind him. "Don't you dare, Chocolate." She ran off again. Natasha shook her head but let it go. "She's still occasionally peeing on things."
"I'm sure that can be cured."
"I've tried everything," Xander admitted. "She's keeping it in here at least." He put his hands in his pockets and looked around. "Hey, fairies?" They flew in and he pointed. "Looks ripe." They flew over to check, getting their baskets to pick the apples. "Thanks, guys." He walked off. The fairies for the other room were checking their plants for harvesting. Food started to flow into the kitchen and Xander settled in to store it properly and fix lunch. "Are you staying for lunch, Crill?"
"I think we should have a talk about these passive-aggressive tendencies of yours," he said bluntly, staring at him. Xander just grinned. "You could get into a lot of trouble, Xander."
"I could," he agreed. "But without them I could be in worse trouble. Because who knows what I'll find when I have to free myself." He stared at him. "Did you get that bomb I sent you?"
"Yes, we did," Fury said, glaring at him. "Where did it come from?"
"Don't worry about it, I used the twin to destroy his house." Xander shrugged. "Tiny dicked and had no sense, and hated to bathe. Not what I want in a lover." He flicked a hand in the air. "There had been a third but it was broken and the locals demanded I give it to them so I did. I wasn't sure if I wanted them to have the working model."
Fury moaned, shaking his head. "How many have there been since the invasion?"
"Two but I stopped them both at the airport," Natasha said.
"Wonderful," Fury said, staring at her. "Stop them sooner?"
"If I was going around the world taking them out, perhaps, but more would simply fill in the voids and might be worse."
"Fine," Fury muttered. "I still want an inventory, Harris."
"Talk to Coulson," he quipped. "He had one."
"Fuck," Fury muttered. "Any idea where?" Xander shook his head. "Great. When he wakes up, have him do one." He stomped out to the car, Hill following.
Xander grinned at her. "Thank you for those saves by the way. I made you cookies. They're in the fridge. I forgot to send them."
"I'll get them when I go home later." She looked in on Coulson then took Xander back downstairs to workout some more. Crill fled from that so it was a great thing. Clint could quit hiding in the bank vault. Xander opened it, showing Clint was petting the dragon. "It's a good friend," she said.
"It's a nice friend," Clint agreed, smiling at it. "Aren't you, Hovar?" It roared a tiny roar and let him pet his eye ridges. "He won't let me get past here. The goblins either."
Xander nodded, smiling at him. "They're very protective."
"We like that about them," Natasha said. Clint got up and came out after one last pet of the dragon. It walked off with his tail swishing in a happy manner. Xander reclosed the vault door and moved to workout with her again.
Clint was staring at Coulson that night. Still no change but he wasn't in bad shape. All the wounds had healed. He was sleeping peacefully and sometimes smiled. He was a bit chilled so Xander had let the goblins put an egg warmer in there to warm the room. The fairies flew in to do his movement for the night and Clint left them alone. They'd be giving him a bed bath afterward and he didn't want to see that. He came out to find Xander at his laptop and someone in the kitchen. "Stark."
"Barton." He sipped the glass of apple juice. "He good?" He tipped the glass toward that room.
"The fairies are doing his movement stuff and then his bed bath."
"The fairies can do that?" He looked at Xander. "How did you program that?"
"I got into the program that the twins made and added that set of commands," he said, looking at him and shrugging slightly. "All I have to do is upload that and link it to a site online so they can see what they're doing."
"That's really handy." He heard a tiny bark and looked down. "I see Frodo had a puppy."
"That's Samwise," Xander quipped.
"Sure. Hi, Samwise." It barked at him, wagging his tail. "Toy?" It rolled off to get one, bringing back a ball he rolled for him. The puppy adored that. Clint sat down to play fetch with him. Stark looked at him. "The others might be popping in to check. Banner's getting ready to leave the US again." He finished the juice and put the glass into the sink. "He has some nice apples."
"I have juice each morning. They harvested seventy bushels from the trees and Xander donated about fifty of them. We have applesauce too."
"That's a good food when you're just waking up." He smiled at the kid, who was writing, then at Barton. "You better?" He shrugged. "Need anything?"
"No, I'm good on things. Nat and I have talked a few times. She's still training with Xander."
"That's still a dirty thought I did not need," he said. Xander looked at him oddly. "She had one of the tapes she was learning on her phone and shared it."
"There's eighty hours of dances," he said with a smile. Tony shivered.
"I didn't need that dirty thought, kid." Xander smiled. "We're heading back to the west coast," he told Barton, who nodded. "We'll be back and forth if you need me."
"I can do that," Clint agreed. "I was thinking about getting my own place." Xander shrugged. "It's not like I'm a good roommate."
Xander looked at him. "You're a pretty decent one. You appreciate my cooking. The last three stalkers have seen you making coffee and ran off before I could take their pictures. Only one's broken in and he wanted sex. Frodo got him," he said at Stark's shaking head. "He didn't wake me up. Natasha did when she picked him up off the floor."
"I heard Frodo hit something but I thought he ran into the couch," Clint said, looking at Stark, who was still shaking his head. "Frodo and Sammy are both good dogs. I've had Sammy curl up with me more than once. Even though he's not soft and fluffy, he's good to nap with." He looked at the grinning young man. "Why does he snore?"
"I don't know. But it's cute."
"It is. A bit weird since I didn't know robots snored, but cute." Clint looked in there at the groan. "Hey, Coulson, it's okay. It's Xander's fairies giving you a bath." He went in to check on him, coming back out. "The egg hatched. He moaned because the dragon decided he was cuddly."
Xander sent a text message from his phone. A goblin showed up to gather the egg and the baby dragon, taking them back then coming back for the hatching shield. Stark watched, mouth open but not saying anything. "He got a bit chilled so they put that in there. It's kept the room about eighty."
Stark just nodded. "That sounds reasonable. Now?"
"He's been sweating for the last day," Clint said.
"Sure. That's good." He looked in there. The fairies were combing his hair. Then he looked at Xander. "Any idea how much longer this will last?"
"Few days we think," Xander said. "But I'm not a mediwitch. I'm only field medic trained."
"That's about what I think too and that's my level of training," Clint agreed.
"Sure. So tomorrow?"
"I have two events I have to go to tomorrow," Xander said, looking at Clint, who shook his head quickly. "You sure since one's a date? Please?"
"Cancel," Stark snorted.
"I can't. My publisher set me up with her. She's a reporter but she's sent me a flirty note already." He dug that out to show Clint. "I have no idea how to deal with that."
Clint read it then handed it back. "Be a polite, shy guy, Xander. Don't let her pounce you because she'll probably do a bad rating."
"Thanks. You sure?"
"Yeah, definitely. Especially since the other one is a mixer with multiple authors."
"Welcome." Clint grinned at Stark. "He could use a bodyguard sort."
"There's many of those for hire."
"Hormones," Xander quipped, waving a hand while he got back to writing. "I had one for one event with a few problems who'd be there. He got stuck on me and had to retire to the other coast after his boss talked him out of kidnaping me. I had warned his boss about the hormones, and let him sniff my hair to see how strong it was, because I seriously needed a boyfriend that day, but he still had to retire for a few months." He grimaced but backspaced to fix something and then typed in something new. "Am I making pasta tonight?"
"Sure, if you want," Clint said. "You're a really decent cook." Xander smiled at him for that compliment. He looked at Stark. "Any other news?"
"I think Fury's sending Romanoff on missions soon."
"Probably. Nat's too effective to leave laying around."
"I didn't want that thought about her," Xander moaned.
The two 'adults' smirked at each other. It was good the kid was normal in some things.
Xander was up when he heard a groan, walking into Coulson's room to stare down at him. "You're safe," he said quietly, seeing the slightly open eyes. "Natasha and her people saved you from wherever Fury had you. They put you with me so you can rest safely." He tucked him in. "Clint's in bed right now and needs the rest. You can see him tomorrow." Coulson drifted back off. Xander smiled, making a note for Clint when he got up. Xander went to bed, needing the beauty rest before tomorrow. His editor had said he had to sleep with the reporter or else she'd tank his career. Which sucked. He didn't think authors had casting couches.
Coulson blinked the next day, focusing on the blurry image next to him. "Captain," he murmured.
"Yup," he said, smiling some. "I'm filling in while Xander's off doing an author thing and Clint's rescuing him." He patted him on the arm. "You're safe." Coulson drifted off again. "I can see why you watched me sleep. It's kinda relaxing." Coulson smiled slightly. "Want some water?" He got a nod so he pulled a bottle out of the mini-fridge in there. He plucked a straw from the straw caddie and let the man on the bed drink. "Slowly. Don't want to bother the feeding tube."
Coulson blinked up at him. "Everyone?"
"We all made it through the battle," he said. "Clint's been hiding here to watch over you." Coulson nodded, swallowing some more water. The fairies flew in to check on him. "It's nice they like you."
"It is," he said. They were working his hand joints. "He did good training them." Steve Rogers grinned. "How long?"
"Some physical therapy. The Director knows you're here. I don't think he wants to piss off Xander. He tried to have someone grab Xander's weapons so Xander kindly handed them to his current suitor. Fury's still trying to have that one rescued." Coulson winced. "Xander was tracked to a problem last night, which he took on with a sword. That freaked Stark out a tiny bit. Freaked the agents out because they ran from the demon. Guns didn't work and Xander got it down before I could get there to help. Then he blew it off like it happened every day and it was nothing. That's why he needed stitches in his arm." Coulson nodded once and sighed. "Does he remind you of Clint?"
"Tiny bit," he admitted. He petted one of the fairies, making her smile. "We can do that later?" They shrugged and flew off. "Thank you. You've taken good care of me. I feel spoiled." They grinned at him and got him some soup that was waiting to be warmed up. They put it through the feeding tube so that was fine he guessed. Then they left him alone. He looked at the staring hero. "Xander likes to fuss too."
"I've seen that. He does a good job." He patted him on the arm. The door out front slammed. "Clint?"
"Me," Banner said. "Natasha gave me the key before she had to leave for lower Europe." He put it onto the counter and came in, staring at him. "You woke up?"
"Just a few minutes ago," Steve said, getting out of his way. "He's drank some water, had some soup put through the tube."
"That's good. Xander's done a good job because you're not losing weight."
"The mechanical fairies were doing movement stuff," Steve said. They looked over, Coulson was asleep again. He smiled. "I remember that state, kind of."
Bruce nodded. "Not uncommon." He came over to check him over, taking out the feeding tube. Coulson woke up but he let him have more water. "Since you can swallow on your own we won't have to use the tube. Stark said the kid's a good cook."
"He makes good cookies. They kept getting stolen."
Bruce smiled. "Cookies are a boon any day. Especially when you're stuck somewhere." He finished his check. "All the incisions are healed. Including the scalp ones." That got a nod. "You hair doesn't have any bare spots so they did a good job." He patted him on the shoulder, seeing the wince. "It'll take time and physical therapy for that."
"I can do that."
"Good." He stood up. "I'll have someone find you one. I'm on my way to Cambodia, then I might go somewhere else." He smirked a tiny bit. "Stark went back to Malibu today. He said to tell you he'd check on you long distance by hacking the kid." He left them alone, heading for the airport.
Steve grinned. "Stark got really upset that Loki stabbed you."
"That's...that's kind of nice," Coulson said. "Thank him for me?" He yawned. "Sorry."
"Don't be. You're exhausted. Healing makes you more tired than anything else. I remember being that way many times when I was younger. I'll stay until Xander comes back." Coulson nodded, drifting off again. Steve went to browse in the kitchen. Clint came in first looking pissed off. "Did you lose Xander?"
"No, we rescued him from two CIA guys. They're complaining."
"Coulson woke up. We had a small chat. No more feeding tube."
Clint looked in there, smiling at him then at his coworker. "Thanks."
"Hovering over the skanky reporter who wanted his panties. The agents had darted her in a room full of people. Xander kicked one's ass and I got the other then arrested them both. That's how we found out they were CIA." Steve winced but nodded. "They hopefully won't do it again." Xander came in, heading to his room to change. "You okay?"
"Yup. I'm glad I remembered to be non-lethal. My editor is mad and my publisher was purring at me."
"You knew she was slightly evil," Clint quipped. "Your editor will be fine, Xander."
"If you're sure."
"I am. Not even Fury can say something about that." Xander came out to hug him then went back to changing. Clint looked at Steve, who shrugged but was smiling. "Anything else good happen?"
"Banner said Natasha's heading for lower Europe, she gave him her key for now." He pointed at it. "Stark's in Malibu." Clint nodded. "He said he'd hack here to check on everyone. Banner's heading for Cambodia."
"That's good." He looked in there again. When he looked back, Steve was smiling but leaving. "Thanks, Captain."
"Welcome, Clint. Anytime." He closed the door and skipped down to his motorcycle so he could go home for a few days.
Clint sat down beside Coulson's bed, waiting on him to wake up. Xander brought him dinner and Coulson more soup, getting a grin from Clint. "Thanks."
"Welcome. He can have cookies once he's back on solid food." He went back to his own dinner and his laptop.
Coulson was strong enough a few days later to send Clint after Xander when he got taken while grocery shopping. "I can handle myself and if I can't, I'll call Hill or someone. Go find him before it becomes tragic. From what we've gathered, the end stage to being kidnaped is usually castration."
"Ow," Clint muttered. "If you're sure."
"I'm positive." Clint nodded, grabbing his things and heading off. Coulson made it off the bed, but he was shaky so he went to the couch to watch the news. He knew he had missed things, but not too much it seemed. He was relaxing when the phone rang across the room. "Frodo, fetch the phone for me please?" The robotic dog brought it over and dropped it for him. "Good dog, thank you." He answered. "Xander's not home right now. Can I take a message for him? No, he's letting me stay here, sir. Are you his editor?"
He smiled. "I have no idea. His laptop's off and I'd assume password protected. No, one of them got him but someone's went after him. It should be a few days. I know he's been writing but I don't know the password to his files. That would be insecure of him. I'll let him know as soon as he's back and able to handle things. Thank you, sir." He hung up and wrote out a note on the notepad he found on the coffee table. It had other notes that Xander had made to remind himself of stuff. Two of them to eat and another four stating 'make sure Phil is fed'. That made him a happy recovering agent. Xander really did like him.
Phil heard his cellphone ring and sighed. Samwise, the robotic puppy, brought it to him. "Thank you, Sammy." He answered it. "I'm awake," he said in greeting. "Director." He grimaced. He was not happy with him. "No, I had Barton go find him." He listened, getting comfortable. "I do have one, sir, but I'm not sure where my things from New Mexico are at this moment." He listened, shaking his head. "No, sir, I won't compromise his security by doing that. Because if you take them, then he seems weaker and therefore less able to protect himself. Beyond that, I'm fairly certain he can use all of them.
"I'll get with Agent Crill when he comes to check on him about anything I feel is excessive." He listened. "No, sir, I believe him having them means that he's safer and less kidnaped. We'd all like that, correct? Before another international incident is started?" He hung up and dropped the phone just out of reach. The puppy nicely batted it around to play with it for him. "Just don't break it, Sammy. It's a good toy." The dog barked and absorbed the energy from it. "That's sweet of you, thank you. Good boy." He relaxed again. It wasn't like he was on for missions right now and there was a house phone if someone needed to get hold of him.
Xander was kicking a few people around when Clint finally made it to him. He wounded two of the guards and nodded when Xander looked up at him. "I can't climb. I suck at it."
He pointed. "Ladder and we'll both go down?"
"Sure." He checked outside then put down the emergency ladder. He and Clint both climbed down and they snuck off through the gardens. "I feel like Alice," he muttered. Clint laughed, shaking his head. They made it into the woods and to the car Clint had stashed. Someone had gotten the tires so Xander spelled them to inflate. "Should at least get us to town." He climbed in with a huff. "I'm not that sort of concubine and I don't want to be a mistress."
"You shouldn't be anyone's second choice," Clint agreed, driving them off. He spotted a familiar figure in town and nodded since they were at a red light. Then they drove on. The spell on the tires finally wore out so that was nice, but only a three block walk to the train station. Xander paid for it in cash and they got on. The country's national police came looking for them but Xander gave them an earful when they found them. They decided him saying no was a good thing and left. Clint stared at him. "I guess they don't want their prince to be gay."
"There's days I don't want anyone." He sulked, leaning against the wall of the sleeper compartment they had. "I hate my hormones sometimes."
"We all hate it for you, kiddo." Xander grinned. "A few hours and we'll be safely out of the way so we can fly back."
"I need to finish paying off the last trip," he sighed. "The other Xanders like me are older and more wealthy because of all this."
"How?" he asked, getting comfortable for the ride out of the country.
"Mostly? Demon suitors." Clint winced. "One of them's destroyed forty-seven realms getting rid of demon suitors." Clint winced harder, shaking his head. "Exactly. It sucks."
"I guess that would. Do they want the same thing?"
"Yup. They want a pet they can claim status from. Not my thing."
"I didn't think it was. We don't have them here?"
"Not as many. Which is nice in a few ways."
"It is, yeah. Don't you have money?"
"It's locked up right now. The bank decided it didn't know how I had gotten it and was checking with the FBI to make sure it wasn't illegally gained."
"That's probably a ploy from someone."
"I checked. They said I didn't seem like any heir they had seen." He shrugged. "They're snobs too."
"Great. I can have someone check on that." Xander shrugged but nodded. He was still pouting too. "You'll be fine. It'll all get straightened out."
"Your lips to Cupid's ear," he quipped. "Since him and Strife are over guys like me."
"That makes a lot of sense." Xander grinned a tiny bit. "Maybe I'll start praying to them to straighten a few things out in my own life." Xander stared at him. "Ex-wife stuff."
"I don't have one of those. Is yours nicer?"
"Sometimes. Not always. She's an agent too."
"Oh. That's nice. Is she pretty?"
Clint grinned. "If you two took up together, that'd be great. It'd make you both happier." Xander smiled. He called Coulson. "We're on our way out. The bank has his things locked because they're snobs about him not being like normal heirs. We're going to need plane reservations from Munich." He listened. "What's the password on your computer? Your editor called."
"He said it's not protected, Coulson." He listened. "Thanks. Yeah, that's how we're doing it. He already made them see that he was an unwilling participant so we're good so far."
"As long as he doesn't have dementors because I don't have any chocolate," Xander quipped. Clint looked at him strangely. "Bookshelf of fiction books. Harry Potter. It's in book three." He grinned. "I'm not sure if they're available here or not. I got a lot of the 'I have two copies, you can have the other one' versions."
"That's cool." He repeated that. Coulson got up to go in there. "Don't stress yourself, sir," he said quietly. Xander got up to use their tiny bathroom that was the size of a pantry closet. "You sure you should be up already?" He smiled. "That's good at least. That's what I told him too, yeah. Yup, that one." Phil brought the first two back to the couch with him and another one he had seen. "Thanks, sir. Let us know the details. I've got my phone, I don't think he has his." He hung up and put his head back against the wall. "Thanks, Xander."
He came out wiping off his hands. "Welcome." He sat down. "I need to talk to the other mes about stuff."
"Probably, that way you've got someone who understands." Xander curled up in his seat. "Four hours." Xander nodded, letting himself fall asleep since Clint wasn't going to. Clint considered things, including him being a SHIELD agent. Did he really want to work for the guy who had pulled all that crap with Coulson?
Coulson got what he needed pulled up on Xander's computer and called in Agent Hill. "Maria, Phil." He smirked. "It's nice to hear from you as well. No, I've made it to the couch today actually. No, he's on a train in Europe so he can get home," he said bluntly. She moaned. "Slight problem. Two of our agents have been helping a bank that Harris has other accounts at, which he called snobby because they don't think he's a proper heir." He listened to her look those up. One had died during the assault on the helicarrier. "I'm sorry to hear that but I would've killed him myself for doing this. Exactly, it does make him more vulnerable.
"No, I agree he should have as many weapons as he wants. It makes him look tougher to steal," he said, putting his feet up on the coffee table. Frodo barked. "I know it's not something your father does, Frodo, but my ankles are swelling so I have to elevate them for a while. Hop up and I'll pet you." Both dogs hopped up so he could pet them, one on each side.
"I do have an inventory somewhere in my things from New Mexico. I'm not sharing it with more than Crill or if he takes in an agent as a helper, with them." He hummed at her comment. "I don't care, Maria. Yes, but him having weapons means he's tougher to kidnap. We'd all like them to not kidnap Xander, right?" Someone knocked on the door. Frodo hopped down to see who it was, letting in the officer. "Hold on, Maria. Yes, Officer?" He put the phone against his shoulder.
"Sir, we've noticed the guy who lives here at certain things where very weird things happen. We're having another one in the park. Is he here?"
"He got kidnaped to Europe so he's on his way back. Where? I can see if someone else could help."
"Central Park, near the Fields, sir."
He put the phone against his ear. "Maria, the officer said there's a demon something going on near Strawberry Fields in the park." He nodded, smiling at the officer. "She's dispatching a few agents to help, Officer."
"Thank you, sir. When will this one be back?"
"I'm hoping by daybreak. They're flying overnight from Germany."
"Does that happen a lot? You don't seem too freaked out."
Phil smiled. "I was a SHIELD agent for nearly twenty years, and yes it does. He's got a hormone condition that makes him seem like the favorite candy someone would like to own."
Phil nodded. "Often." He saw a cat sneaking out of the garden area. "I know he doesn't have cats." It spotted them and ran back inside. Sammy hopped down to go play with it to keep it from peeing on things. The robotic fairies flew in to pick fruit. He smiled. "He built them to help him with this garden."
The officer looked in than at him. "I think we'd all love a garden like that in the city." He nodded his thanks and left.
Phil listened to Maria complain. "I'm not sure, Maria. I'm not exactly in shape to be in the field. I'm waiting to hear what my upcoming physical therapist thinks before I make that decision. I'm sure I will. I'm also sure I have a non-SHIELD doctor by now. That's fine. Let me know when you find out from Nick. No, I'm quite upset with him and right now it's best if I not get the chance to punch him. Thank you, Maria. Have a better day and let me know when you unblock his account." He hung up and looked at the being who was staring at him. "I'm Phil Coulson."
"We know. We pay attention to those who work with the kid," the goblin said. "We can arrange his other accounts so he has better access."
"That one bank is being snotty about him not being their sort. They've locked his accounts totally."
"I'll talk to his account manager." He smiled, showing many too many teeth. "I'm sure he'll be pleased at that minor battle. Does he have needs right now?"
"Plane tickets from Munich back here."
"I can have him arrange those." He bowed and left. "That cat snuck in but she pees on things when she's mad at him."
"I'll keep an eye out for it." He sent that message to Clint's phone and settled in to read those books. He recognized the goblin fairly easily. It was an engaging, light book. Though he was getting very mad at how their system was so faulty. Children weren't warriors unless that special project that had raised Natasha got their hands on them.
By the time he started on the second book, he had a bad feeling about the hero's outcome.
Xander made it home and flopped down in a chair since Phil was asleep on the couch. Clint walked in and snuck over to check on Phil, waking him up. Phil scowled. Clint grinned. "Just making sure you're still okay, sir."
"I'm good. I fell asleep reading." He sat up with a wince. Clint helped him. "Thank you."
"Welcome." He sat at the other end of the couch. Xander was already asleep and snoring. "I gave him benadryl so he could rest."
"That's always a good plan on a red eye." He looked at his former agent. "Are you okay?"
"Mostly. Xander described it as him possessing my mind; I was inhabited and watching it while yelling at Loki."
"I can understand that." He gave Clint's wrist a squeeze. "Are you doing the counseling?"
"No. They all tried to tell me I was permanently infected."
Phil grimaced. "I doubt that. We'll see what happens. If not, Xander could use a helper."
"Yes he could. One who could subtly get him free without having to take out high powered people that would get noticed. That way no one knows they were perverted that way." Phil smiled a tiny smile at him. Clint grinned back. "I'm going to get him a 'not a princess' t-shirt."
"He might like that." Xander snuffled so they watched him shift and fall back asleep. Clint got up and carried Xander to bed then came out after letting the dogs in and shutting his door. "Did his financial manager fix things for him?"
"That bank's still locked." He shrugged. "We'll see what happens."
"I met one of the goblins who works in the bank."
"I hid in the vault and got to pet their dragon. Hovar's really sweet." Phil stared. Clint smiled and nodded. "It's very protective."
"I'm sure it is." He spotted the cat. "Go close the library door?" He got up to do that, sending the cat back into the garden. Phil shifted to get comfortable. "I should probably lay down." Clint helped him lay on the couch and went up to his room. "Thanks, Clint."
"Welcome, Phil." He sent Natasha an email about how Phil was doing. She'd get it sometime soon.
Phil looked over as a portal opened in the living room. "Xander?" he called. The new one, which had a lot of hair, stared then smiled at him. "I meant the native one. He's in the bathroom."
"It's a need even we have," he said dryly, grinning at him. "You look a lot like the one Xander's mate Phil."
"I am Phil Coulson, in this world. I think I've met that one though. He seemed nice. Bit distracted."
"Well, yeah, he's godly and has kids, that'll do it to anyone," that Xander quipped.
"Yeah, god over heros. That Xander's over all protectors." The native Xander came out drying his hands off on a paper towel. "You're pouty, what's wrong?"
"My editor hates me, the last jackass is threatening me for daring to be rescued and threatening to sue me for damaging him and his castle, and it's a shittastic day." He gave him a cuddle. That Xander nicely cuddled back, taking him into his room to help him feel better. They could talk about stuff. That other Xander wrote but only for online sources since he only did porn. He didn't have to deal with an editor beyond his students or someone proofreading for him. As for a prince wanting him, that other Xander was the master at putting them down. He had to take lessons. Xander asked about a few other things and he let the native Xander vent about that bank being snotty and all the other traumas going on. He needed a better support system locally. He needed a minion.
Phil, who was listening, nearly winced at the idea of a minion in charge of things. Minions tended to not be steady people. He blinked at the commando he had seen the file of looking through the portal. "They're in the bedroom, Corporal."
"That's cool." He smiled. "We're discharged and Miami's retrieval team."
"We barely have three known cases on this realm so no retrieval teams," Phil said.
"That's weird. Huh." He went in there to tag-team cuddle the younger Xander. It always made his Xander feel better. Plus he could give him ideas that helped their Xander behind his back so he didn't have to deal with as much stuff.
It was a good cuddle session until an agent burst in the doorway, firing sedative darts. Then Jensen got up to handle it. He was a Delta trained commando. He could beat them, and did beat them, but stopped short of ripping off his arm to beat him with it. Coulson could barely move, you could still see the bandage on his chest though. Jensen grinned. "Thank you," Phil said.
"Welcome." He checked him over, finding his wallet. He tossed it at Phil. "Xander gets the money, that's standard on any retrieval. GHS are allowed to loot their kidnapers." He found something else, staring at it. "I've seen that mark in a comic book once. Huh. Xander?" They both came out.
The younger one shrugged. "I saw someone with that mark recently when he tried to kidnap me but I hormoned him and walked off to come back from Canada. I wasn't interested in octopuses."
Coulson got up and came over to look. "That's a HYDRA tattoo, Xander. Where did you see it?"
Xander, the native one, frowned at him. "Hydras were snakes. Like the tube snakes on the old GI Joe cartoon."
"The skull part was for the Red Skull but the rest, we're not sure. We think they're very confused since they're nazis."
"Oh. Then I guess it's good they got down with the gay sex when I hormoned them." He grinned. "I'm sure they had fun. I just hope someone had something lubey to use."
"Where in Canada was it?"
"Um...." He got into his phone. "I called from their area to my phone to get Frodo." He let him see it. Phil traced the number, disconnected, but they knew where it had been licensed to. "I couldn't tell you how I got back beyond there was a guy in a car and he got me to the border, who nicely helped me come home when they heard I had been kidnaped and called their boss, who had the briefing sheet from the State Department with my picture on it, and they had a jeep bring me to the bus station so I could get home."
Phil nodded once, calling that in. "Hill, Coulson. I have two things for you to handle. One, a visitor from another realm just beat a HYDRA agent who burst into Mr. Harris' house with sedative darts in his pistol. No, he's unconscious, tied up, and not even able to moan yet. The soldier is a Delta trained one and he did a very thorough job." Jensen grinned at him. "Secondly, Mr. Harris said he had seen that mark in Canada when they had taken him but he had hormoned them. Apparently the Border Patrol helped him get back here. He called from their phones to get Frodo. Disconnected," he said. "Exactly. Please do. Thank you." She said something. "Maria, I don't care how much artillery he has that Nick doesn't like. The more weapons he has, the less people want to kidnap him so therefore he's allowed." He hung up. He patted Xander on the back. "Take them back into the bedroom in case he wakes up."
"I can protect you too," Jensen said. "I noticed the bandage."
"Uncle Phil said that he had gotten killed by Loki but Rosenburg brought him back," the native Xander said. "Thankfully we had a healing potion that helped this one since we don't have a Rosenburg."
"I'm rather glad we don't have that many witches as well," Phil agreed. "It'd definitely make the job harder sometimes."
The non-native Xander grinned, playing with the bottom of his braid. "Did he tell you about one of us that's raising kids and a witch in his world turned part of their US into a D&D world?"
"No, he hadn't. I'd like to have notes on that so we can make sure they won't be doing that here if it's not a problem."
"No, not a problem. We're spreading that one around so they know it can happen and how to deal with things." He helped Phil sit down and went over what had happened, including that Rosenburg had deaged the guys she had pulled from the movie. Jensen quipped he had to be adorable. Xander showed him pictures from the last convention. That helped a lot because Phil was very worried that world might end and come here. Too much chaos was a bad thing in any world.
When Agent Crill got there with an arrest team, they got the agent up and out. Xander tossed over the emptied wallet. Crill sat down with them to talk about the HYDRA base Xander had found and not told him about. They didn't want them around to restart. Phil just listened and made sure none of the other's chaos was coming here either. It might be a bad thing.
The next morning, the non-native Xander came out and made coffee, then went to the portal and across, coming back with a few things and a guy helping him. "Wade, the me here needs minions and lessons on how to handle things. He's young and he's not as wanted as I am, but they're being mean about things. They said he's not an heir so the bank has locked his accounts on purpose. There's no real support system, just the occasional saving by agents. Though the one here is hot and cute." He grinned at him. "Coffee?"
"Please." The dogs followed him down the stairs. "Which Xander are you?"
"I'm in Miami." He grinned. "This is Wade. He handles stuff for me when I can't. We joke he's a minion but he's more an assistant type. The one here could use an assistant."
"They need to be able to be a part-time bodyguard," Clint told him. He knew about the Wade on this world. He had shot him once.
Wade smirked at him. "I was just as evil but Xander's ex fucked it out of me," he said dryly. Clint snickered, grinning at him. "Seriously. She did."
Xander nodded. "She kept my hormones down by herself for almost a year." He sipped his coffee. The native Xander moaned. Xander looked in and grinned at Jensen then closed the door. "I'll make food once I'm awake." He smiled at Clint. "Don't worry, we won't hurt him. We might give him some of the presents I hate so he has stuff here to set himself up easier. We really thought that bank was going to be okay."
"They only want rich people with rich people heritage," Clint said.
"Pity," Wade said. "New money is the ones who spend." He sipped his coffee. Xander moved to the fridge to look then started on breakfast for them all. "You're his?"
"No, I'm hiding. We ... long story but brainwashing and all that." He looked in on Phil, who was waking up. "Morning, Coulson." He brought him in some coffee. Xander made extra pancakes. "The other Xander brought his assistant, Wade Wilson."
"No, the one from Canada who's not insane."
"Oh." He blinked a few times, taking the coffee to sip. "That must make that Xander very secure and not taken."
"I tend to steal myself back and ruin any demon realms," Xander called. "Forty-eight as of earlier. We don't bite. You can come eat too."
Phil came out once he had on his robe over his pajama pants and t-shirt. "I needed to put on something." He smiled at Wade. "I've seen the dossier on the you here."
"Xander's ex became mine and she fucked the evil out of me."
"Huh. Did she lessen your raiding skills as well?"
"Nope. I have to help handle it when my Xander's snatched or if his poker playing friends do stupid things around him. Plus order him bullets and help him travel."
"You play poker?" Clint asked him.
Xander smiled. "I play a lot of poker in Miami. It keeps me informed of all the down low and means that people can't use some money to do bad things. I'm really close with our lab."
"That's nice," Phil agreed. "Stations could use support. It makes the officers feel more wanted." Xander nodded and smiled, handing him the first plate. "Thank you, Xander." He settled down at the table to eat. He heard a moan but ignored it. If it helped their Xander, he didn't care who he slept with as long as it wasn't a child.
Wade looked at his watch. "This you has less stamina. He must need to learn the dances."
"He's teaching them to Natasha," Clint said. "She's not bad."
Xander smiled. "A pretty woman is often the downfall of many people. To us you're a comic book."
"Well, I am mythical," Clint quipped.
"Is he in the world with that other me?" Phil asked between bites. "These are really good, Xander. Thank you."
"You're welcome. I like to cook. And yeah, he and Natasha are with that world's Dawn. They have all sorts of loud, and sometimes bondagey, sex. The last time I saw Dawn they had just had kinda-twin girls and she had a son who was a few years older." Clint's fork dropped and he stared at him. "The girls came after some necessary pouncing after a Halloween party. Dawn went as a fantasy warrior in anime armor and got Natasha into some pretty fantasy armor too." Clint moaned. Xander grinned. "Her kids are such hellions. One of the girls can already tell when she doesn't match and the other one hates certain colors. Their son likes kilts though."
Clint nodded once. "How much older is he?"
"Probably about twelve years? Maybe? Dawn was eighteen, barely, when they got together thanks to that cult that wanted to sacrifice her. Then there was a huge battle and someone who wanted to bring you three in as their chosen army, so they tried to brainwash you." Phil moaned, shaking his head. "They managed it, even though they couldn't be in the US for a little over a year." He grinned. "The you there has twins with Tara, then you're the father one of the kids that Maria and Tara had later." Phil stared at him, mouth open. "The twins are adorable. They come to the temple all the time and they come to conventions to play with the little deaged uses and the other kids we have."
"Xander," Wade complained. "You're giving me a headache so I know you're given them some."
"It's good to know that I'm happy there," Phil said. "And that I'm a good father." Clint nodded, stuffing his mouth.
Xander came over to hug them both. "It's okay. That's just one world. We hold conventions with at least two hundred of us each time. If it's the full one there's over three hundred of us together. We bring the spouses and the kids."
"And me one time because we were tied together by someone," Wade said. "I hid like hell from the kids." He sipped his coffee, looking at the young Xander that walked out. This one had to be barely legal. Like the one that had been adopted by the Winchesters after being deaged was. "Kid, let me see what I can do about the stuff you're being plagued with. I have ways of making them not do it again."
That Xander hugged him. "Thank you, Wade," he said quietly. Then he hugged his other self. "Thank you for making breakfast, Xander. And for teaching me how to cook."
"You do me proud," he said with a smile, cuddling him back. He grinned at Jensen, who looked smug but happy. "Did you check in with the others?"
"I told Cougar when you came to get me," Wade said. "On my way over." He finished his coffee and let the new Xander make him more. "You're pretty good. Pretty soon you'll be chef quality like mine is." Xander beamed at that compliment and hugged him again then went in to shower off Jensen's sweat. "Who had him last?"
"A prince of a minor democratic monarchy," Clint said, shaking his head. "Now he's sending threats to ruin him if he tells and trying to sue him for damages."
"I'll see if I can have a talk with him too," Wade said. "Am I still alive here?"
"Nope," Clint said then smiled. "You're not."
"Even better. Don't want to run into myself. I might freak out the other me." He took Xander's laptop off the table. "You never taught him about passwords, Xander."
"Oops. At least me and that other Phil taught him how to use the computer."
"Point. He's not got a bad hand," he admitted. "Fantasy stuff though." He got into the financial program. He set it up to automatically download statements and did that for him, staring at what he saw. "How much did you set him up with?"
"Few mil. Why?"
"Has he spent a lot?"
"Some of it's with the goblin bank," Clint said.
"I love the goblin bank," Xander said with a happy grin at Jensen. "They never let a demon play with my money and if I get too many jewels, they like that. Dumass introduced me to them."
"I remember seeing him at the convention," Wade muttered. "Booknerd wizard Indiana Jones wannabe." Xander swatted him but got him more coffee. "Huh. Remember that guy that embezzled to get you presents so he could get the money from them? He's the guy over this bank." Xander moaned. "We can go talk to him." Xander smiled. "Go get snotty rich guy. It'll be needed." Xander hummed as he went to put on real clothes and get a bit of bling from his closet. "Jensen, see if you can help him find his statements. I'm seeing withdrawals from his account and it can't be fees at that level."
"Yup." He went to talk to that Xander to see where they were. He hadn't been here long but they could help him set up like a true GHS. He came out and looked around, spotting the armory. He opened the slide-out door and walked in then came out nodding. "Not bad but not something ours would call extensive or overly great."
"He's got grenades, swords, and guns in the basement cabinets," Clint said.
That Xander came out putting on clothes. The other Xander came out of the portal with three things, handing them to the young him. He went into the armory then to the basement then back up, frowning at him. "You have a hundredth of what I have."
"There's not as many demons here."
"Huh. Maybe I should move here."
"Only if you hire someone to move that bed, all the Winchesters, and the horses," Wade reminded him.
"Good point." He hugged him. "We'll go talk to the bank together. If we can't stop them embezzling, then I'm pretty sure Jensen can." Jensen nodded, giving them a smug look.
"Kid, you could drop stuff on him that you don't really like. The jeweled dildo collection comes to mind before Anya steals them."
"I think they left them for her," Xander said. "She is part of the family harem."
Jensen shook his head. "She said they were too sharp and pointy for her tastes." Wade nodded at that. "She's not sure if someone can cut the gems so they're smooth or not."
"Are we talking like pretty crystals?" Clint asked. You had to ask when you were talking about jeweled dildos.
"No," Wade sighed. "All in sapphires with sharp edges."
Clint slumped, staring at the two GHS. "Really?"
"It was a demon's gift to woo her onto his side so she would help him court me," Xander quipped with a smirk. "Oh, Wade?" Wade stiffened. "Did I think I see what I think I saw in the present warehouse?"
"I'm ignoring them," he said bluntly. "I don't want to see the fit if they get shown to the lab's people. Last time Calleigh nearly cried, Xander. It took them all day to strip those two bazookas. These will take longer."
"I can have Clay drop them off here," Xander said with a grin.
Wade looked back at him. "That's nearly evil to warp their minds that way, but sure. Means we don't have to count it in the inventory. Make sure you get all of them because there was a compact missile system that had some too." Xander nodded, going back to call Clay so he could drag them over here. That way he knew where Jensen was as well. He winced when he heard Xander say 'no, I don't think he's got bad enough taste to want the two bird statues with jeweled feathers'. That got a sigh of displeasure. "I really have to kill whoever has that bad of taste," he decided as he worked. "I really do. Before they do worse." Xander came back shaking his head. "Bird statues?"
"Two stuffed birds. One's a peacock. The other's a vulture. Apparently that one considers them noble birds." Wade moaned, shaking his head while he typed. "Bank statements? Because Clay just said there's even more tacky things over there again." He rubbed his forehead. That Xander cuddled him once he found his file of bank statements. "Thanks, mini me." They shared a smile and cuddled on the couch next to Wade.
"How can it be more tacky than a stuffed, bejeweled vulture?" Clint asked. Xander sent a text message and got pictures sent back. He tossed over his phone so Clint and Phil could see. "Yeah, that's ... Nat would have a fit at the bad taste. Even Stark would say that was fugly and not artistic." He let Phil see them.
"Is that a mosaic of famous horror movie scenes?" he asked.
"Done in jewel flakes and dust," Xander quipped. "Flip over two more." Phil found the others and stared. "Yeah," he said at the silence without having to look. "Has to be demonic."
"He's human but he has really horrible taste and he bought them off a demon," Clay said as he dragged cases over. The boys hopped up to help him take them into the armory. He spotted Clint and Phil, putting one on the table in the clear area. "Here. Have fun with that. We don't ever want to see anything like that again." He walked off. "Want the jeweled, spiny dildos, boys?"
"Please," Xander said. "Since Anya doesn't want them."
"Sure. More came today." He brought over the locking briefcases. Four of them. "The one on top came today. I don't want to know what they were modeled off of."
The younger Xander looked then grinned. "Dragon dongs. They're from the bad dragon site. I was browsing there to see how weird it could get."
Clay shook his head as he walked off. "I'm drinking lunch. Stay over here, kid."
"Yup, for today at least. Thanks, Clay."
"Welcome. Want Cougar, Wade?"
"We should be good. At least one of the guys at the table is an agent."
"We're both SHIELD agents," Clint said. "I'm kind of hiding after being possessed and Phil's healing."
Wade nodded. "Not a bad thing. I've done some of the healing stuff." The younger Xander hugged his head from behind. "I'm fine, kid. Go look at the tacky stuff to make sure you know what bad taste is."
Phil was still staring at the glittering dust covered latex dicks that were not exactly human in the briefcase. He looked up that site on his phone, staring at it. "That explains a lot."
Clint nodded. "I found that site and showed it to Nat. She had *such* a silent hissy." He grinned. "I promised I'd get her one once. That's why my shoulder got dislocated."
"I won't offer her one of those then," Xander quipped. They went into the armory to look at the others. Phil got up to follow to take the bad ideas out of his head. Then he came back out and went to curl up on his bed before his head exploded. "Sorry," Xander called.
Clint got up to look, staring at the compact missile launching system that had camo brown stones on it. "Uh-huh." Both Xanders flipped open cases and he stared. He sighed. "I can see if Hill will have our gear people strip the stones for you," Clint offered. "She might have the weapon confiscated though." He took a picture and sent it to Hill's phone. She sent back a swearing rant. He made note of what it was and where it had come from for that other Xander. That got a rant back by Fury. "Fury doesn't like you sharing, Xander. Pity." He sent that back and said someone had to strip the stones off them. No one would respect weapons with bling. He came out with the boys, letting them seal up the armory again. Clint got more coffee when the younger Xander made it. The other one got the goblin financial manager up to see if he could spot any other problems they were having with the mini Xander's funds.
Agent Crill got back to the base, carrying the case right up to Agent Hill's desk. He put the case across it and opened it, making her stare in horrified awe. "The other Xander, who is a lot like ours but has longer hair and tattoos to Greek gods, got given this by a human on his realm. It's not the only one. We know you can acid the stones free but it might ruin them and the young one here could use all the stores he can get his hands on right now. It was suggested we let our gear people figure out how to pry them off? This one is non working so it's a good test model, sir."
Agent Hill found out she had an eye twitch. She hadn't known that before. "Director?" she called. He came out. He stared at the poor weapon too. "Crill?" He explained it to him. "How many more are there?"
"Eight other pieces, sir. Including a compact missile launching system. One of the vehicle mounted ones."
Fury blinked a few times, not able to quit staring at the horror in front of him. "Even Stark would say that's tacky."
"Can we have our gear team pry the stones off for the kid? That way he knows how to do the others? This one doesn't work anyway, sir, so they picked it for the tester model."
Fury stared at Crill. "I'd still like to reduce it."
"That other Xander explained to me what he had in his arsenal in case something came for him. Ours has less than a fiftieth of what he has, Director. And he still gets taken but less often." He handed over a report. "That happened when he got totally disarmed once."
The director read it, wincing at the report. "Damn."
"Exactly, so it's apparently much safer. Frankly, I don't want to know if ours can lose himself that way and make that sort of mess to get himself free."
Fury handed it to Hill to copy for their use. "Me either. Or have to save him from one. Is that one worse?"
"Same level, more backed up. He's presently single as well, sir." He handed over a keydrive with the other reports. "His past incidences file of the big things."
Hill ran it, letting the Director see it. "Fuck," Hill said.
"Ditto," Fury agreed. He looked at Crill.
"He got the weapons after the gladiator ring, sir. That stopped a lot of that sort of action because they knew he'd kill them if they tried."
Fury nodded once. "Fine. I want a comprehensive inventory, down to the last bullet." He pushed the lid on the weapon closed. "Let our people figure out how de-girly that shit too before we all end up wearing pigtails and sucking on lollipops." He walked off rubbing his head. "If we can't, ask Stark. He might have a clue."
"Yes, sir," Crill said. He closed the locks and carried it down to the weapons team. "People, Mr. Harris got given this. He wants to know how to strip it." He opened it to show them. They all stared then up at him. "He'd like the stones but the only way we know is hydrochloric acid. That would destroy them." The head of the weapons team huffed, shutting the case. "He's got another eight to de-gem. Can you please figure out something for the guy?" They groaned but took it to work on somewhere that no one else could see the embarrassment to weapons. Crill went to do his report and send Xander a text message that they were working to see how to strip it.
On the way back from ripping the snotty bank apart at the seams, and the boys having fun doing it while Wade helped, Jake looked up his counterpart there, starting a video chat with him. He smirked and waved. "Hi."
"I... Oh, shit. Is there something really weird going on?"
"Yes. Slightly. Where are you? I'm in New York and we gotta chat so I can heads up you on something. That way you know to watch out for it because he'll probably show up somewhere you're at soon." Both Xander's looked at him. He grinned at them and turned the phone around to show them. "This is my Xander and your Xander."
"And I see a commando," that Jake Jensen said.
Jake turned the phone around. "He got brought back to life to be my Xander's assistant. My Xander, and your Xander up here, have hormones that get them stolen. A lot. They're like the most wanted candy ever. Wade's stolen Xander back about thirty times in the last three years." That Jake grimaced. "We've done a few. Xander's done a lot on his own though. Including destroying realms that took him." He smiled. "I'm cluing you in so you know when you run into him somewhere since a lot of people on our nasty list want a Xander of their own too. That way you guys can help him save himself."
"I.... sure. I can accept that. Though this is really weird."
"Really weird is you look a lot like Captain America. We saw him after the invasion up here," the local Xander said with a grin. "You could twins or something."
"That is weird," both Jakes agreed.
The local one looked at his counterpart, then at the guy staring over his shoulder. "He's here on vacation."
"My Xander is helping your Xander with a few things," Jake said with a grin and a wave. "I need to give him ideas so you know what's going on when you run into a stolen Xander on a mission. My whole team is now on to fetch guys like Xander in my world. We deal with the twelve in Miami. We're gone about five months a year right now stealing people back." That Clay shook his head with a groan. "Are you guys near New York?"
"If not, I can probably do a portal down there," his Xander said quietly.
"If not, get me a picture and I'll pop down. My Xander can do that sometimes but it wears him out."
"We're in Maryland on downtime," Clay said.
"I can be there by tonight. Text me coordinates, other me." He grinned and hung up. Xander handed him some money. "I can do it."
"I had some switched to local currency."
"Cool." He got out when Wade paused, flagging down a cab to go to the airport. He could trace the other him's phone in case they were paranoid this week. Clay got real paranoid about weird things.
The Xanders shrugged at each other and cuddled. It was always a good cuddle between them.
Jensen walked into the bar the guys were in, pulling a chair over to turn around and sit in it backwards, grinning at him. "What do you remember from biology about hormones?"
"Not a lot. I take it I'm a hacker there too?"
"Yeah. And don't worry about Wade. Xander has him leashed. He's got a girlfriend he helps torture with. She's more extreme than him so she fucked the evil out of him usually." He smirked. "Xander, yours and mine, have higher hormones. It's a huge problem. They can't weed them out. It can't be treated. Only one thing lessens it." He slid over the newbie information packet he had downloaded on his phone, and computer at home. He had paused to print it. They went over it, Clay grimacing. "They get kidnaped by people who think they're like candy." He showed him pictures of the tacky presents. "They were dealing with tacky 'notice me, I like you' presents earlier. The one here has to keep stealing himself back because he's got no assistant, no minion, and works with a SHIELD guy to keep track of stuff." He pulled up the copy of who had stolen the kid so far. "That's his list since he got here."
Clay looked at it then at his Jensen. Then at the other one. "That's fucking weirder than we're used to."
"In my world, the GHS people have a support system and there's retrieval teams." He smirked. "We're Miami's. We spend about five months a year getting guys just like Xander back. Xander has Wade to do it for him so we don't usually have to rescue him. Then again, Xander tends to ruin them himself. Yours isn't as tough as ours, and yours is younger. Ours went through a gladiator ring at one time. He went berserk and saved people from a people seller with a sword. The FBI guys all puked for days. That's why the ATF there lets him have weapons." Clay stared, mouth open. Jensen grinned. "Here, the one has a SHIELD handler who pays attention to him. He's giving two others room to heal after the invasion so that's helped some."
"Fuck," Roque complained. "You're serious?" Jensen showed them the picture of the two Xanders cuddling on the couch. Roque gulped some of his beer. "So this is a head's up?"
"Yup, basically. Because you'll probably run into him either saving himself or trying to get free sometime. This way you know why, where he belongs, what's wrong with him, and he can release it as a weapon, guys. It helps him get free at times. Then he's a walking cloud of hormones." They all grimaced but nodded. "Xander's a sweet, great guy. He's up there with Cougs for me in best friends. He had boyfriends who were cops so he cooked them all meals, the whole station and lab." Clay let out a tiny grin at that. "He's got horses he taught us all how to ride, just in case we need to know. They have a special self defense dance that they're taught that leads back to sword work. It's really hot. As in you guys walk off to take ice cold showers after a few minutes." He grinned. "I'm learning some of it but I'm not a member so I'm still clumsy at times."
"Nothing cures it?" Clay demanded.
"No. There's a bit you can do to weed it out, but that'll be deadly if it's more than every few months." He showed them that file from his phone. "There's a few other cases on this world we know of. In mine, one of the commandos on your second team, Clay, was one of them. You found out when you met Xander."
"Chuck," he said. Jensen nodded. "Makes sense. Is there a way to tell?"
"Blood test. Drop some stuff onto a few drops of blood on some gauze." He took a pen off a waitress and wrote the recipe on a napkin. "Three drops of each onto three drops of blood on gauze." He handed the pen back with a grin. "Thanks."
"Welcome." She strolled off after getting them refills.
Jake looked at Clay. "I remember her in my world," he said quietly. "She tried to blow you up."
"Great." Jensen went over the allergy and the dosing for the lowering herbs and how often they could be used. This Xander was softer, he needed more watching over. This team would probably run into him sometime soon and he could also warn them about Bolivia and Max. Plus about Jolene's mood swings. They were nasty and dangerous for more than Pooch.
Clint sat down with Wade that night, going over how the other Xander handled things and how this one was different. Including being sweeter and more innocent than that other Xander. This one hadn't had the experiences or the turnings on that the other Xander had. His still had trust for people, the other Xander not so much. He could help him set up things so they had more stability and less danger for the kid. He really liked the kid. Phil really liked the kid and wanted to make sure he had a good minion who was saner than Wade was. Some of Wade's stories were horrifying, including about being tortured with Disney. But he could see his Xander doing that easily enough. And a lot of other mean things too. So he could help him set up necessary measures so he was safer. Before Xander decided to talk him into going to Disney with him.
Phil got the copies of the inventories. What he saw over there made him worry that they'd have to run here to hide some day soon. That might be worse than the D&D world's problems. But they could handle it and it was going to be okay. They had to keep that in mind.
Hill looked up as Stark strolled toward her off the elevator. "How did you get in here?"
"I was invited." He smirked. "Something about Harris needing some help."
"He needs help finding someone who can keep the hormones down," she said. "I doubt you'd like that."
"Probably not. Pepper would get really mad at me." He held up the email.
"The weapons team. They must be out of ideas." She took him down there. "Gentlemen, and ladies. You needed Mr. Stark?"
"We did," the head of the team said. He looked like he had been electrocuted. "Want the report now about how something spotted us taking off the gaudy present and gave him another one, sir?"
"Another one?" They pointed at the box on the table. "Did he deliver it?"
"Demon, sir," one said. Then she groaned and held her side. "Feisty little sucker too. Kind of literally since it had tentacles with suckers on them."
Hill stared at her. "Get it treated?"
"I have, ma'am. Just residual pain."
The head of the team shook his head. "We finally got through to him that Mr. Harris could not use his present until we stripped off the embellishment. That it might get him killed. He wondered if ours has the same tumor?"
"No," Hill said. "We were briefed on that, he does not." They all nodded. She opened up that other box. Jeweled, stuffed ferrets. "Why?"
"The other him has pet ferrets," the female with injuries said.
"Great," Hill muttered. "Anything else amusing happen?" They pointed at the large box in the corner. "Do I want to know?"
"They said it was a present and they'd enjoy watching him nibble on it, ma'am. It's a bit graphic," the team leader said.
Stark walked over to look, then burst out laughing. "It's a four foot tall penis in chocolate. Okay. What help did you guys need?" They pointed at the case. He flipped it open then took off his yellow tinted sunglasses to stare at it. "Who did that?" He looked at them. "Someone gave the kid this?"
"Someone gave another version of him that, and that one gave it to him so he could have the extra weapons," Hill said, teeth clenched. "Still can't get them off?"
"No, ma'am," the team leader said. "It's not silver or any other metal we know about. It won't saw, won't heat, won't come off any way beyond acid. We want more of that metal if we can find some."
"I'll see if he knows what it is," she muttered. "Have fun, Stark." She walked off to send that email to Barton. Who said he'd find out when he rescued Xander from the demons playing fairy dancing games in the park. She decided she didn't want to know what he meant and left it there. He could do a standard report later.
Stark showed up at Xander's house, finding Coulson on the couch. "He not here?"
"Park. A few demons wanted him to dance fairy rings with them." He looked up. "You were in Malibu."
"I'm still officially in Malibu." He held up a piece of the metal. "Any idea what this is?"
"Actually, I do," he said, pointing at something. "Get that from under the coffee table. The other Xander said to give you samples in case it's useful here." Stark got it for him, sitting down to look through it. "That is an energy metal. It will keep a flame for years, even though water and very little air. That's how they harnessed it for other purposes, beyond that Xander's altar to his gods." Stark looked at the little tester bottle, nodding at the clock that was running off it. Then the block of metal. "That's probably the same silver-like metal. It's something that will harden once it's formed and it's almost impossible to reform it."
"That explains why heat won't work on it," he said. He looked at the other things, staring at the plant samples. "For me?"
"He was hoping you knew a botanist. He didn't want to plant an invasive species. Those berries help most GHS with their hormones. It can help lower them some. He's unfortunately allergic and he'll surge." Stark nodded. "The other three things are a bit more weird but handy."
"I know a few botanists who'd love to get samples. Can he plant them for me?"
"He has some growing of all of them." He pointed at the second garden area. "And if you find the vine, leave the roots on it."
"He got it from a different Xander. He called it a life vine. If released in something like a space ship, it will keep growing until all the oxygen is used up and then live off the rust. He said it takes maybe an hour to take over something the size of the Enterprise."
Stark blinked a few times. "Excuse me?"
"And you can graft it onto other plants to get an expedited growth on the new one as well. That one showed up to help him plant new samples and to check on his version of Morticia and Gomez." He got up slowly but without help, nodding Stark to follow him. He pointed at the two special plants. "The adults are Morticia, the man eating tentacle plant, and Gomez, who smokes to lure in prey. Especially fingers." He looked at him and smiled. "They're good plants. That Xander considers them almost his best friends. This Xander released a few mice now and then for them so they don't eat the cat that snuck in." He walked him off to the gazebo. "This is the life vine plant. If you unplant it with the root on, it won't grow. As soon as you separate the root, it starts outstanding growth." He looked at him.
"I'm pretty sure the botanist I know would love to see a sample of that."
"They tested it in a SHIELD lab and the only thing that killed it was fire. It took about six minutes to overtake that lab." Stark nodded once. "But it's handy and it easily grafts onto other plants."
"Good." He nodded. "Maybe it'll help with feeding people." He looked at the other plants, spotting the cat underneath one but ignoring it for now. He spotted the normal things and the not so normal things. Including the black fruit plant and others. "Can we have samples of those for testing?"
"Ask him, Stark. I'm only a guest here."
"I can do that. Is that other Xander a botanist?"
"Part-time. He's a linguist." He smiled. "He works on their Atlantis."
Stark nodded again. "Sure. That's just weird but sure." He walked him back to the couch. Clint and Xander walked in together. Xander was wearing a wreath of vines. "You okay, kid?"
"I'm okay." He smiled. "I found a commando who looks a lot like Captain America."
"Corporal Jensen does," Phil agreed. "There's been speculation in the past that he was some sort of relation but no one's sure." Xander sat down after hugging him. "I'm fine, Xander."
"It's time for a bandage change and you missed your doctors appointment this morning."
"I told him I'm not seeing a SHIELD doctor." Xander grinned, handing Clint the first aid kid so he could help him clean the wound area. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. What do you want for lunch? Stark, are you staying?"
"No thanks. I got that bedecked weapon to look over. Is this metal the same stuff?"
"I think so." He looked back at him. "It's really handy and they use it for light armor and decoration."
"Okay, I can keep that in mind while I'm looking it over. Any idea how to pull things off?"
"We can look it over, kid," Stark said. He looked at Coulson. "You're at least getting better?"
"I'm much better. The wounds are nearly healed." Stark nodded, looking happier at that. "You can tell the others."
"I haven't heard from the others."
"Natasha's on her way back from a mission," Clint said. "I've left her a few emails. Cap's on a road trip I think." Stark and Coulson both nodded. "Bruce still overseas?"
"Not at the moment. Okay, we'll figure it out, we'll talk with the poor people there. Kid, they left you another present." Xander turned to look at him. "It's a four foot tall milk chocolate penis."
"They probably want to watch me lick it like I'm a floor show," Xander said dryly. "Demonic?"
"Yup. Had tentacles."
"That doesn't narrow it down much," Xander admitted, considering it. The tentacle demon showed up to cuddle him. Xander stared at him. "We're not compatible." It shrugged and cuddled him again. "No groping. I'm not that easy." It cooed and left after a good, long pet of his butt. Xander looked at the bare spot then shook his head. "We're not physically compatible. I'd be a princess on a shelf to him. That's so weird."
"You had a walking octopus petting you and that's all you think was weird?" Stark asked.
Clint shook his head. "We've seen more weird recently." Xander nodded, washing his hands and arms again and getting back to making lunch. He looked at Stark. "Once you figure out how to unjewel them, he's got eight others he needs to do. Or he needs to find a minion who will."
"I like minions. I'd be lost without my minions, but mine are robotic. I trust them a lot more than I do a lot of people."
"Yup, me too," Xander said. "Because robots probably won't turn on you." Stark nodded. He handed over lunch, including to Stark since it seemed like he was staying for a bit. "I'd have someone build me a robotic minion but I'm not sure I want to do that or not. There's liabilities there. Especially if they have to come save me." He settled in to eat the nice pasta salad with vegetables at his desk.
"Why would that be a problem?" Coulson asked.
"Can't get them a passport, I'd have to fake ID's and stuff," Xander said. "There's no way we could get them through TSA screening without a whole lot of problems. Not to mention the other robotic makers would wonder how I got something that advanced when theirs is less than what Frodo and Sammy have by about half. There'd be a whole lot of stink about robots and humans. I'd probably have agents on my ass about it too because they'd think he could be used."
Clint nodded. "Entirely possible," Stark agreed. "Mine don't look human so I don't have that problem but something like a human-seeming robot would cause problems." He petted Samwise when he came over to run into his foot. "Nice puppy." It barked and rolled over to Clint to be petted. It loved him. He looked outside at the sudden shriek.
Xander shook his head. "My neighbor's back and still pissy about strange things. She'll be knocking in a minute."
Clint got up to answer the door when she did. "Yes, ma'am?"
"Is that your hideous car!" she demanded with a point.
He looked then shook his head. "No, that's Stark's car. He's visiting."
She glared. "We have *standards* in this neighborhood. I know you may not...."
Stark walked up behind Clint. "He has really high standards but they're for useful things, not trashy decoration." The woman gaped. He smirked. "Yes, that's my sports car. I like it because it does what I want it to do. Those of us with money, we don't have to have all the bling, dear. You have a great day." He shut the door and walked off. "How do you put up with her?" he asked.
"Last time I was eating a sandwich while she complained that my mailbox's security system was odd looking and outside her standards. I paused in between bites to open it and point at the bomb that no one's picked up recently. Then I said it was so she didn't have to stare at a burned out wreckage. She's also against books. Apparently any shelves in her home are for decorator touches instead of practical things, even no picture frames." He shrugged, going back to his email. "Who in the hell knows with some people who need drugs." He hit the switch to close the curtains, making Coulson snicker quietly. "That solves that picture taking problem she has," he said loudly enough to be heard. "Before I have her arrested for taking pictures in my house." She huffed off, they could all hear it. "I don't know why a third of all New Yorkers are like her but I should move somewhere more relaxed."
"Vermont's nice, and nearby," Stark quipped. "California has spots like this and other ones. Including a hippie commune that's about an hour from my compound out in Malibu."
"Busted for pot recently," Clint said.
"Figures. Probably happens often. Hmm. Officer this time." He got up to answer the door. "I'm visiting the owner and the woman behind you said she has *standards* about things. Also, the owner wanted her arrested for taking photos into his home without permission. That is stalking."
The officer blinked. "You're Tony Stark."
"Yes I am," he said with a smile. "She didn't like my car or probably anything else in life."
"She said the owner here has weapons and threatened to blow her up?"
"No, Mr. Harris got sent a bomb no one's taken from the mailbox yet," he said, opening it. "He's built a scanner for such emergencies." He pointed at it. "He said he told her to lay off his security system not being what *she* considers *standard* because otherwise she'd have to stare at a burned out shell of a house."
Xander walked over. "Hi, Officer Pete."
"Mr. Harris. She's doing it again?"
"And just now was taking pictures with her phone in my windows." She huffed and tried to stomp off. "Frodo, fetch the bitch." The dog rolled after her to haul her back, making her shriek and bat at him. "Hurt my pet, bitch." He stared at her. "I may be an author but I'm *real* skilled with things like swords." He grinned. "I can treat you like a damsel if you demand it to be so. I need to use that line." He wrote it on his hand with Tony's pen. He handed the pen back with a grin. "Thanks. The muses like you."
"Mine like me too, kid. They're just not literary muses." He smirked at the officer. "I came to look at his dog Frodo again. He's a sweet pet. Mine would love something like Frodo to play with."
The officer nodded. "She's done this before, Mr. Stark. A few times. She declared a few neighbors had to move because she didn't like their new model cadillac." Xander snorted, shaking his head.
"It's trashy, like that one is!" she said with a point. "He must be doing evil things to afford this house."
Xander walked off and came back with the box of stuffed ferrets Stark had dropped off. "A present from a recent wanter. That's how I afforded the house."
The officer looked at them then at him. "That's.... horrible." He closed the box up and handed it back.
Xander grinned. "Which is why I sold them. There's plenty of pretentious people around here with horrible taste who'd want them for being twinkly." He stared at his neighbor. "Like you from what I've seen when you've opened your curtains." He looked at the officer again. "Isn't there some way we can send her to Bellevue for her own good? Before she causes someone to smack her around again?"
"Only her family could commit her, Mr. Harris." He looked at her. "Once again, you've filed a false complaint, ma'am. You know that you're not supposed to do that and I'm going to have to issue you a citation to appear in court. We're too busy for this stuff." Someone drove by and shot at the house. The officer called it in as he rushed to his car.
"I think they were aiming for you," Xander told her. "I don't have any problem with guys like that and they looked like the gay mafia brothers." She huffed off. He grinned and waved. "You have fun with that. Have a better life." He closed the door. "Maybe someday someone will find you and fuck you into a real human." He walked off, dropping the ferrets into the armory on his way back to his email.
Stark was laughing, shaking his head. "I'm so glad I have high fences so I don't have to deal with that."
"She only considers beamers and above to be her kind of car," Xander said dryly. "The other one she has a problem with has a classic roadster and she's complained many times about them." Someone pounded on his window. He went to check from the doorway. "Get way from my window before I have the dog really bite you this time." She swung the aluminum bat at his window again. He got her with his taser and called the officer to come back to arrest her this time for property damage. The local precinct's supervisor came out to handle her this time. They'd had a lot of problems with her and arresting her for trying to bash in the windows was a good thing to him. Xander smiled and got him some fruit to take back. "My orchard produces way too much. I donated like fifty bushels to the rebuilding people."
The officer smiled, taking it with him. "Thank you, sir. It's nice to be appreciated." He walked her to his car and locked her in the back then got in to drive. The guys appreciated the fruit a lot. They appreciated not having to answer complaints by her a lot more.
Xander came back in and locked the door again, checking. Frodo was inside. Sammy was curled up on Coulson's lap to be petted. He went back to his email.
Stark grinned at Clint. "It's a good thing."
"It is," he agreed. "He does really good at protecting himself." He looked at Phil. "What do you think about Jensen?"
"I think he's someone we wanted to recruit but wouldn't because he needs to work with specific people," he said. "As for the relative test, no idea and I'm not sure if he'd want to know."
"Huh?" Stark asked.
"We found a commando, tech ops Delta member, who looks *exactly* like Captain America," Xander said, turning to look at him. "My editor is still pissed at me for some reason. Not like I sent him a romance or something. I've even gotten ahead of where he wants me to be for editing stuff." Stark was looking confused. "He was on the news."
"Rogers didn't have any other family." He looked at Coulson, he'd know more than most. Coulson shook his head. "So how is that?"
"They say everyone has a virtual twin," Clint said. "Though they do look exactly alike. Jensen looks like Cap with glasses."
"Huh," Stark said. "Should we look into this?"
"I was going to ask him if he had known family like cousins," Clint said.
"Interesting. I'll keep that in mind in case I run into them." He shook his head quickly. Frodo nudged him and dropped a ball. "Sure, I'll throw it for you." He tossed it and the dog brought it back. "You're very well trained, Frodo." The dog made happy dog noises and wagged his tail. Tony threw the ball again. Xander grinned at him. "Have you made anything new?"
"I haven't had the time to and I haven't needed to really. The twins built Sammy for me. I haven't needed new fairies." He shrugged. "Maybe I'll make protection fairies next."
"Tiny robotic fairies with guns?" Clint said. "Wearing leather catsuits?" Xander smiled and nodded. "That'd be weird but maybe helpful for you."
Coulson shook his head quickly. "I can imagine Natasha staring at them and teaching them things." Xander grinned at him. "What's on your agenda today, Xander?"
"Not a damn thing." They all smiled. "As long as I'm not taken again." They all nodded. That would put a dent into anyone's day. Thankfully Wade had made his point known to the one who was threatening Xander.
Someone knocked and Crill leaned in. "Xander, did I forget this bomb?" he called.
"Yes. Thank you. The cranky neighbor lady complained even more about that."
"Not a problem." He closed the door after tossing the mail onto the table for keys and mail. Then he left with the bomb. It was nice the NYPD called him about Xander's problems. It saved him having to assign surveillance.
Coulson shook his head. "Crill does a good job at non-field handling," he told Clint, who nodded.
"He's an okay guy but he's *really* uptight," Xander said. "He gets all flustered and hunches down whenever he catches me dancing or teaching Natasha some of them." Stark shivered. Xander grinned. "There's a series of teaching DVD's. That's how she copies the next one to learn."
"I'd ask to copy them but Pepper probably couldn't do them for me and that much porn would be bad for my brain, kid." Xander smiled such a happy smile.
"We saw him and the other Xander working out," Coulson said. "He's very good at it. They were both fairly scary with the blades and dance moves."
"You need to watch your heartrate probably," Stark said.
"He stabbed me in the lung, Stark, not the heart." He smirked slightly. "It's good exercise. It keeps Xander in good shape and Natasha's learned a lot I'm sure." Xander and Clint both nodded. "Good." He looked at him. "I should show Pepper."
"I showed Pepper the one I copied off Romanoff's phone. She was impressed but blushed a lot."
"It makes me do the same thing," Clint agreed. "Especially seeing Natasha doing it." Xander smiled at him. "You're cute but she's pretty."
"It's the boobs. I know I don't have any." He snapped his fingers. "Xander asked me about the Deermere choker and if I had spotted the one in this realm." He got up to find that book and the necklace. "I made a bet with the chaos mage about who his god favored more so he lost. Because Janus adores me bringing chaos sometimes. That's why he helped prompt the Devon Coven into having me for that special protective spot." He came out of the safe with the necklace, handing them to Clint.
"What does it do?" Stark asked.
Clint read the section on it, shaking his head slowly. "That's dangerous, Xander."
"Lavelle, the me in that realm, had kids thanks to his."
"It changes your gender?" Coulson asked.
"It changes everything, except maybe DNA," Xander said. "All outward things. His is special and has a fertility charm on it thanks to Janus. It was a reward to him." Coulson stared. Xander pulled it out to show them. "One stone fell out. I'm not sure if that will depower it or not." He jimmied it back into place and did a healing spell for it. He had found one that healed metal. The thing glowed so he put it on. He changed to a male form then a female form, then took it off. "Only the one who puts it on can take it off. If it breaks on you, you're stuck that way. If they die, then maybe their direct heirs can undo it for you."
Coulson blinked a few times, taking the necklace to look over. He tried it, staring in the mirror across from his seat. He changed from himself as a female then imagined himself as an old time movie goddess. He took the necklace off and put it back into the bag. "We can make sure it's safely put up so someone like Loki can't get hold of it."
"I'm not sure if he can use something made by Janus or not," Xander said. Then he shrugged and grinned. "That Xander has a lot of fun with his. He uses it at anime conventions and on the job."
"High class rent boy?" Stark guessed.
"Master assassin and thief," Xander said. Stark stared, mouth open. "The good guys drove him to it in many ways and screwed him so badly the necklace was reparation for it." Stark shuddered. So did Clint. "But he's a good shadow knight. We all love Lavelle. He's a sweet us. He collects comics and kimonos and weapons. And accidentally made a conglomerate that took over the underground in his world but that's just him making friends he thought." He shrugged but smiled. "He had two sets of twins and a single thanks to the choker."
"Fuck," Stark said quietly. "That's something I can't see you doing."
Xander smiled. "I'm dangerous enough when I have to be. The hormones are pushed down when I'm in danger." Clint nodded. "He's seen me doing that." Clint nodded again. So did Coulson. He bounded into the kitchen, coming back with cookies. "Cookies?" Stark took one to nibble. So did the others.
Coulson smiled. "The other agents stole most of the ones you sent me, Xander. They all appreciated the cookies. The two that got into the dance tapes appreciated them for different reasons." Xander hugged him and went downstairs to work out so they'd have some privacy. Coulson checked his watch then looked at Clint.
"Yeah, he's starting toward backed up," he agreed. "Xander, do your dance workout."
"I am," he called back. "That way I don't accidentally hormone you. You might try to cuddle the puppy the wrong way, Clint."
"Not likely. I like soft things with breasts." He relaxed again, staring at Stark, who was eating a second cookie. "Maybe if I can't go back to SHIELD I'll become his part-time minion."
Coulson stared at him. "Hill was swearing earlier because you weren't there to go stop someone who was giving her a headache."
"She told me I can't come back," Clint said.
"I'll talk to her." Clint smiled but shrugged. "We can both talk to her." He looked at Stark. "You all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. My brain's fully rebooted now." He stood up. "You're going to put that necklace up, right?"
"Yes. Into a safe only I know the combination of," Coulson said. "Before I lock Nick Fury into it." He got a second cookie and ate it. Clint was staring at him, looking a tiny bit scared. He smiled at him. "Have another cookie, Clint. You've lost weight." He took another one and sent Natasha an email. "Tell her I said hello."
"I am. And about the necklace. She could probably use it on the job."
"She probably could," Coulson agreed. "I know a few agents who could use that on the job." Stark got up and left, going back to Malibu before his brain exploded. The two agents shared a smirk and a third cookie. It was a good, not real insane day for them. That was always a great thing when you were a SHIELD agent.
Minions of Chaos.