"Fuck," Xander muttered loudly as he worked on his movement in the hallway.
The nurse scowled. "Quit swearing. You're not the worst injured in here, sir."
"They have accelerated healing. They'll be better in a few weeks. I've got months of this."
"Still. Quit swearing and some of the girls will be taking just as long."
Xander stared at her. "I was not told that. Oh, Buffster?" he called, rolling her way.
She rolled out of her hospital room. "Two of the girls are in ICU for being thrown into a building and one for being beaten by an eco sedan." He scowled. "I've been up to see them. You're barely allowed out of bed."
He nodded. "We can go visiting."
"No you cannot," the nurse said. "Council only up there."
He stared at her. "I'm the guy training the slayers in Africa. Thanks." The nurse flinched back at his glare. Buffy was laughing. He looked at her. "My girls?"
"They're better. Getting there anyway." She went with him on his rounds. The people watching over the ICU for them scowled at Xander until he glared back. Then they slowly got out of the way. They checked up on them then went back to their own rooms for medicine time and physical therapy after that. Xander found he had a visitor he somewhat recognized. He blinked at him. "I need out of here."
"Not for another two weeks," New Jersey said, staring at him. "Skull fractures can be tricky. Especially with your history of head injuries." He smirked a tiny bit. "So, how's the legs?"
"They itch." He stared at his casts then at him. "I'm going on vacation after this. Maybe even when they have to evacuate the hospital due to the attack coming up."
"We heard. It's already being handled. The US government got the point when they didn't want to listen this time." Xander grinned a tiny little look. "Into the bed. Let's check your skull. If you're a good boy we can transfer you to a hospital that's away from nagging."
"After the girls are out of here."
"That's reasonable." He helped him back onto the bed to check his skull fracture and eye. "Dizzy?"
"Some. I've had it on and off since losing that eye."
"What did that?"
"Dirty fingernail of a minion of the First Evil."
"Damn." He made note of that and nodded. "They think you need a shrink."
"I wouldn't say it's unreasonable but not really. I'm pretty normal as far as I know. Compared to some people I know I'm downright average."
New Jersey stared at him then shook his head, making notes to cancel that referral. "We'll see what we can do."
"If not, I'll talk to Buffy."
She rolled in. "They don't believe you're one of us thanks to Kennedy not identifying you when you got brought in. We were all down but the agents did it instead and they're not caring."
"Yay," he said bluntly, staring at her. "Can I beat Kennedy yet?"
"Not like you can kick butt with two broken legs, Xander."
"I have weapons, Buffy. Yes I can."
She smiled. "It's good you're peppy." She held up the newspaper. "The president where you were had a screaming fit that his people weren't helping as much. It all got covered."
"I heard he was giving an interview so the press caught it first hand this time." He stared at the paper then tossed it back. "My things?"
"Came up with you. It's all in the local house's storage area."
"Did you remember that they're moving in January?" Xander asked.
"Nope. I can figure that out for you, Xander."
"Miss Summers," a male said walking into the room. "Why are you visiting this man?"
"It's Xander," she said bluntly.
"He's not one of us."
"You're not in the Council," she said bluntly. "He's our trainer." The man sneered and pulled a gun. So Xander threw his dagger at him and hit him in the throat. Buffy looked at Xander. "Wow."
"Learned how to do that better hunting for dinner. When you're hungry you're real motivated to be a good shot. Oh, nurse," he called. "This imposter tried to tell me I didn't have a job." Security teams came in. Xander rolled over and grabbed his knife before it could disappear then went back to his bed with a grin for Buffy. "So, how's my slayers?"
"They're good. Fussing. The minis have all called to make sure we know that we're not to nag you or anything while you're healing. Most of the battles went pretty worldwide." She looked at the glaring security guard. "That guy is not Council. Giles wouldn't hire him because he's one of the ones that used to kidnap us girls from our families. Xander," she said with a point. "Is our off-site trainer for the minis in Africa. He threatened me and him. Xander was protecting me. Blow it out your butt if you don't like it." The guard got officers, who found the guy's old ID. Buffy was calling Willow, who sent Giles up. Giles got it all straightened out within a few minutes.
Giles stared at Xander. "Did you have to make the hospital more work?"
"He threatened me and her with a gun," Xander said bluntly. "Let him go fuck the hell off while I do the real work."
Giles grimaced. "I'm hoping it's the skull fracture that's making you so irritable?"
Xander snorted. "Not really. When are the other watchers going to go into the field with the slayers? I'm pretty sure they can all at least fire guns by now. Where were they when this was going on?"
Giles grimaced. "They were hiding with the library and things."
"Uh-huh. And yet, Dawn was at one." Buffy growled. Xander patted her on the arm. "I had mine. There were two others, plus London's. If even Dawn fell in, then why couldn't they?"
"They're not comfortable with it."
"Then you need to hire more field guys, Giles. I'm not going to be fit to go out again for at least six months. That leaves Africa totally uncovered because Yihana's watcher is one of them, even though he can fight. He refused to show up at mine with his slayer."
"I'll talk to them, Xander. Please calm yourself? It can't be good for you."
Xander stared at him. "I'm going on vacation to finish healing. Am I going to have to call up monthly like usual about my paycheck?"
"No, I'll straighten her out again as well, when I yell at Kennedy." He blinked. "There's others in the field."
"Who all need more backing up," Buffy said. "They complain a lot. That's why you talk to Xander more often than you do them, he doesn't whine about needing more help."
"So he is Council?" one of the nurses demanded.
"Yeah," Buffy said with a smirk. "He's the guy that was backing me up in Sunnydale, part of the original team. I wouldn't even have Willow around if it wasn't for him." Xander nodded. "You guys treat him worse than we do. Which sucks."
"That other slayer...."
"Kennedy didn't warn London it was having a battle," Xander said. "She hates me because her girlfriend used to crush on me and Kennedy's a money-grubbing princess." The nurse grimaced. "She's from somewhere around here." He looked at Buffy. "I'm going to see bikinis."
"We'll listen for evil chicks to want you," she quipped.
He stared at her. "Maybe if you found some of your own...."
"Eww. I'm not in the mood to date, Xander. Even if they brought Angel back and he was all human and without the soul clause, I'm not in the mood."
He gave her a pointed look. "Do we have to tell you to tell your mom I said hi?" he asked quietly.
She shook her head. "Not there yet. Tired but not that tired." She looked at him. "You?"
"Battle worn. Cranky. Not there."
She nodded. "Well, the first one of us that sees my mom, we can tell her we said hi." He nodded. She looked at the staring watcher. "It's not like we don't see the majority of work. Faith, me, him, and a few of the girls. We're all tired, Giles." Xander nodded. "It's practical in this case. It's how we check on each other's levels of bad."
"There's therapists you can talk to," New Jersey said.
Buffy grimaced. "They think we're crazy for doing our appointed duty. Or for Xander doing it because they took his best friend since babyhood. No thanks." She smiled at him. "I've seen you on Willow's posters."
"I'm a neurologist when I'm not playing keyboards," he said with a smile.
"Cool. Do I need to see you too? Or are you crushing on Xander?"
"No. I'm here to check on Xander's skull fracture for his doctor." She nodded and rolled off with Giles following her. He looked at Xander. "You live a wild, dangerous life."
"Yes I do." He looked at the agent leaning in. "Agent Romanoff. Gloria!" He grinned at her. "You're better?"
"I'm a whole lot better." She stepped over the body and came in to hug him. "You're my favorite Council person of all of them." He cuddled her. She pulled back. "How long are you in here for?"
"Weeks and weeks," he said dryly. "Then I'm heading for a lot of bikinis who will hopefully take pity on my poor eyepatch."
She snorted. "I'm sure there's some who will pity you for the broken legs instead." She gave him a squeeze, making him moan. "I'm doing slayer visiting rounds after knocking Kennedy out again."
"She told the nurses I wasn't Council," Xander said. "I'd like to hit her next."
"You'll have to wait until she gets her nose fixed with plastic surgery." She winked at him and strolled off. "Guys, why is the asshole who kidnaped two of us from our families dying on Xander's floor? I'm pretty sure that even if you sacrifice him it won't make him heal faster." She walked up the hall.
Agent Romanoff stared at Xander. "Are you well?"
"Well enough. Broken legs. Minor skull fracture." New Jersey shook his head. "It's not?"
"No, it's healed a lot but it's not *minor*. They can see your brain with the naked eye, that means it's serious. It's not huge but it's not minor."
"So I'm not Humpty Dumpty this time," Xander said dryly with a grin for him.
"No, we put you back together again this time." He gave him a pointed look.
Xander nodded. He looked at her. "You know there's another one, right?"
"We heard," she admitted. "Then swore at you for having visions."
"You'd rather wake up from a nap to them?"
"No. Waking up from my rest to a sudden battle without warning would not be a good thing." He grinned. "Thank you, Xander." She walked off.
The officer pointed at her, looking at Xander. "That's the lady that works with the Avengers."
"And guarded the main house when the HYDRA BS went off," Xander agreed. "She's a great fighter and the girls could learn a lot from her."
"Huh." He frowned. "So you are Council?" Xander nodded. "Oh. It's not in your wallet."
"Then someone took my ID card out."
"Damn."
"Was the money and things in there?"
"Yes."
"Then it's someone who wants to discredit us. I'll figure that out and take them out too." He gave him a pointed look. "We didn't rehire them because they were kinda dicks to the girls. They think the girls should be trained chimps to their wills. Two of them tried to keep knocking up their young teen slayer trainees before the First Evil got them." The officer nodded. "I'm not sure which one he was but if Gloria said he stole them, then she'd know as she's one of the top slayers in the world right now."
"Got it, sir. Feel better soon." They cleaned up the mess and took the guy down to the jail infirmary ward instead of the regular ER.
Xander looked at the nurse, who huffed off. He looked at New Jersey. "Got a good beach recommendation?"
"There's a few really nice ones in the world but it's not spring break so not a lot of partying."
"I don't really drink and I can't stand drunks," Xander said. "I'm okay with missing the drunk party girls. I'd like easy but not that easy."
"I'll make a list for when I check on you in three days."
"Sure. Thanks."
"Welcome, kid." He patted him on the leg. "Maybe you can get out sooner."
"They'll have to evacuate part of the city anyway," he said dryly. New Jersey winced but went to make note of that prophecy thing. Xander relaxed and turned on his tv to see what was going on in the world. He called Buffy's room. "Kennedy's on CNN." He hung up.
On screen, they were taking calls in and Giles called in to berate her for being a bad slayer. The anchor winced at his ranting about her lacking slayer grace and skills. Willow suddenly appeared to defend her but Giles yelled at her too, mostly on the girls' behalf. And a tiny bit about her treatment of him. Willow pouted but she took her and Kennedy away from there. It was good tv. They went to a 'who is that guy' feature on him thanks to that battle and the nagging that had went on. They still didn't know a lot. Thankfully someone had an agent contact for information and they could find his federal profile. They even refused to mention he was a seer. That was nice of them. Xander napped to that happy news.
***
Xander and the slayers were on the roof with weapons when the next thing happened. Buffy was able to walk and getting out later that day but she was still there with a few others. The demon appeared and tried to stomp off to kill Stark but they fired on her and gave that team time to assemble and handle it.
The demon sneered at them. "You'll still lose him. He'll take up his heritage someday."
"I'm more likely to become an avatar of someone," Xander quipped with a grin. "Just to handle shit that I'm alone for." He fired something off, hitting her in the eye. She screamed and grabbed her head, knocking a water tower over in her flailing. The Avengers got her down and out a few minutes later. All the slayers were staring at him. "Mermaid taint." He grinned at the easily accepted lie. "So I'd get to go harass bikini-clad women and eat the bad ones who're too drunk." He rolled off. They groaned but followed back downstairs. Xander stretched up and looked at them. "We all going home?" They nodded. "Good. I'll go from Cleveland to a beach somewhere. As long as someone got my stuff from the local house?"
"Yup," Buffy called from her room. "It's in your room. They saw it when they were moving stuff and sent it, Xander."
"Thanks." They got checked out against orders and headed for a ride to the airport.
Stark landed in front of them outside, staring at them. "Mermaid what?" he demanded of Xander.
"Our high school's swim team was turning black and slimy then eating people. We needed to know why," Xander said with a shrug. Then he grinned. "I went undercover on it and found out the old coach had been chopping up mermaid parts to put into the sauna and special meals. Thankfully they mostly detoxed me before I became black and slimy too."
Stark put up his face shield, staring at him. "How do you get into those things?"
"Sunnydale. Aren't you glad it's destroyed?" Buffy quipped with a smile for him.
"Yes!" Stark said. He looked at Xander again. "Where do you think you're going? You're still injured."
"There's a beach somewhere calling my name. I'm going to go there, admiring the booby scenery, get some pity cuddles...." He waved a hand. "Have some fun. Have a real vacation since the first one after graduation's battle." He waved the same hand again, giving him an insane grin. "I *really* need one."
"Uh-huh. And the casts?"
Xander looked then shrugged. "They'll come off soon." The girls all stared at him. "I can remove casts, ladies. I did the last one I had." He looked at Stark again with a grin. "I'm a good boy most of the time."
"If you're sure because we think you're just slightly insane."
"I don't have a cape," Xander quipped. "Or a shiny suit. But I do what I gotta do. The same as you do. You just get paid better for it and I get whined at when I do it. Speaking of, is there a law defending us if we beat the people who complain about us saving them?"
"I wish," Stark said. "We'd all like one. Especially Bruce."
Xander nodded. "I met him at a native clinic." He nodded at the van driver. "Ladies." He pointed. They piled in and he stood up with a moan and a wince, hobbling over. "I'll be doing insane things in a few months."
"If you're certain," Stark said dryly. "Can you fly with a skull fracture?"
Xander shrugged. "Don't know. If it causes problems maybe they'll stop the visions." He closed the van door after himself and they drove off to the airport. There were agents there but Xander got out first to glare at them. "Problems?" he demanded coolly.
"You can't fly with a skull fracture, Mr. Harris, and two of the other slayers can't fly due to their injuries," one of them said. "We can arrange for the train to take you to Cleveland." He called that in. "Frankly, we were going to evacuate you from the city since there's a huge screaming fit about the slayers need to handle these things instead and they don't need more heros handling problems."
"I pity Stark then," he said. "Sure, I can take the train as long as I can put my feet up."
"Thank you for being reasonable. The last few slayers in the hospital are getting guards to make sure they're fine. We have done a heavier background check to make sure they weren't part of that crackhead plan that got the battle in England." Buffy smiled at him. "If we find they are and we missed it, we'll take them out ourselves. Mr. Harris, while you're on the train can you please brief an agent about your last three battles so we have that information as well?"
He shrugged, grimacing. "I guess. What don't you know about?"
"Anything apparently. We had no idea there was one in Nigeria?"
"That's been a while ago," he said. "You said three and that's not three." They groaned. "But sure, we can go over that. Thank you for not asking Gloria about that."
"Agent Romanoff will not let a single agent near her. Which we appreciate the reasons for. That slayer is quite good and taking a lot of training with her." Xander smiled. "We can chat on the train. We've gotten your group two sleeping berths. One for the girls to rest in and one for you." He got them to the train station and got on with them to ask Xander about his battles. The girls tried to eavesdrop but they were nosy that way sometimes. The others had a few agents making sure they made it back to the main house in Cleveland. The last few in the city had been moved to a more private, secure hospital facility.
The agents were even nice enough to make Xander's later travel plans for him to a beach in Florida so he could go have bikinis until he was allowed to fly in three weeks.
***
Buffy opened the door the next morning. "Get out of the way. Bus is here!" she bellowed. The girls ran out the door and for the bus. The agent had gotten out of the way so she smiled for his tiny bit of sense. "Problems?"
"I wanted to talk to Mr. Harris about a few battles he had that we didn't know about."
"He doesn't tell us either. We'd nag." She let him inside and back to the kitchen. "Andrew, where's Xander?"
"Showering." He looked at the agent. "You missed breakfast and all we have left is tea making supplies."
"I'm fine, thank you, Mr. Wells. Is your lead hunter slightly insane or is it a true infection?" Buffy and Andrew both burst out laughing.
Giles looked over from reading the paper. "Xander said things happened around him so he handled it. Though he has said in the past he used to want to be Batman."
"I need to make Xander more gear," Andrew decided with a grin for the agent.
"If you wish but can you do so after you turn off your nanites please, Mr. Wells? It is a bit creepy."
"Probably. I think I remembered to put in some code to turn them off." He walked off to find his laptop to see. "Buffy, one of the girls gave my laptop with that stuff a virus thanks to their porn habit."
"Great. Tell me which one."
"It's cheerleader humiliation and jocks begging so it's Thelma."
"I'll get on her again later about using her own laptop instead of yours, Andrew. What're nanites?"
"Miniature computer bugs that can take over or help a body," the agent said. "In some uses it can be used medically to take out tumors. In some it can be used to control agents so they confess to things. Though that does explain why some of the infected do burst out in film-worthy moans for no reason now and then I suppose."
"Did it make them lie?" she asked. He shook his head. "So Andrew was very helpy." She grinned. "We like Andrew being helpy." She walked off. "Xander, an agent's here to chew you a new one about the battles you didn't tell us you had because we'd nag you or tie you in a closet again!"
"He can wait while I do an eye wash and put on clothes," floated down the stairs.
"Okay." She smiled back toward the kitchen. "He's cleaning his eye socket and getting dressed."
"That's fine. The only thing I have to do today is finish his debriefing since the agents who did so weren't very clear about some things he disclosed." He smiled at her.
She giggled as she walked off. "Sounds like him so we can't nag."
"We don't wish to nag him but we do wish he'd at least tell *us* this so we can handle any future diplomatic problems." Xander came slowly down the stairs. "Mr. Harris, are you psychologically unstable?"
He stared at the guy for a minute. "You realize you're catching me before coffee or anything like breakfast? That you're asking me stupid questions that make me want to beat the crap out of people?" The agent winced and got out of his way. He hopped in on his crutches. "Andrew, did you save me anything?"
"One small plate," he said, pulling it out to warm up and feed him. "That way you don't bite me too."
Xander grinned. "I'd never bite you. I'm not a vampire and I'm looking forward to your next 'create your own apocalypse' plan box." He settled in to eat and have soda. He looked at the agent. "Which one did you want to hear about?"
"Slovenia?"
Xander shook his head. "Never been there." He ate another bite. "That's in Europe, right?" he asked. The agent nodded. "Then never been there unless they displaced it to Africa." He ate another bite, staring at him.
"We had a hunter matching your description there. Though they didn't mention the eye patch." Xander nodded, eating another bite. "A recent injury?"
"He lost it before Sunnydale fell in," Andrew said. "The minion popped it."
"Oh, I see." He made that note. He looked at him. "Nigeria?" Xander quirked up his bad eyebrow while he chewed. "Is that going to cause later problems?"
He shrugged. "They had one of the slayers captive. If it does, they're going to get it again." He ate another bite then smiled while he chewed. "I was brilliant getting the local demon community into it. They helped rescue some of the others that had been kidnaped."
The agent nodded, making note of it. "The slayer involved?"
"Gloria's with that nice Agent Romanoff lady," Buffy said with a grin for Xander. "She's an excellent role model."
"I like Gloria to some day take over a house," he said. "Including this one. That meant she needed someone with more command experience to model her skills after. She's really nice to help her that way."
Buffy nodded. "I can see Gloria taking over mine or Faith's jobs some year." She looked at the agent. "Gloria spent *tons* of time in the infirmary after that and then a special healing spa. We all fussed very well over her."
The agent nodded. "We can appreciate that. We're worried about later diplomatic problems."
Xander looked at him. "With the terrorist squad? Since when are they *diplomatic*?"
"Point. It was them?"
"Yup," he said. "They decided Gloria was 'exotic' for being a white girl in that area."
"Oh, dear." He made that note. "Did we perhaps find out anything about them?"
"No, I had the local demon community help by taking out a huge amount of trees to find them and anything they found they turned over with the girls they rescued. You'd have to ask the locals. My only concern was Gloria and then any other captives I might find." He stared at him. "Then I reminded them that they had to fight for themselves because we weren't going to save them when the demons showed up. Which was when the local community broke in to rescue the others." He grinned. "They've all had enough of that group down there. All but one minister on the news thanked them for it. The other one decided Satan had sent them because that group had went too far even for his viewpoint."
"I saw that report." He frowned as he made notes. "Have there been other rescues?"
Xander nodded. "Two. Both from less harmful groups. Why?" He finished his breakfast, taking more soda from Andrew. "Thank you for saving me some, 'Drew."
"Welcome," he chirped. "Do you really need to know how Xander got things from the pirates and stuff? It's on the demon hunter bulletin boards." He smiled at Buffy. "Yours lists the color of your panties again. They said you're too old to be a party girl so wear better and more classy clothes." She rolled her eyes, making herself and Giles some tea.
"There's online sources by demons?" the agent asked. They all nodded, looking amused. "Can we get web addresses? That way we don't have to come bother anyone for reports?"
Buffy got him into the ones she used, letting him note the addresses. He left to tell his higher ups that. She looked at Xander. "Where are you heading on vacation?"
"Florida. Then to the Caribbean after I can fly." He grinned. "Bikinis."
"Bikinis are nice," she said. "I love mine." She looked at Giles.
"If you wanted to take a vacation, arrange the schedule," Giles reminded her. "We're relatively near Virginia's beaches." He stared at her. "You can go during the summer slowdown like the others can. We can have a discreet vacation session down there." She beamed and nodded, typing out an all slayer message about a slayer vacation spread.
"It'd definitely give everyone a reason to win the next apocalypse this spring," Xander quipped. "Speaking of, I haven't had a vision."
Andrew stared at him. "That's weird." Xander nodded. "Head injury you think?"
"I don't know," he admitted. He looked at Giles, who shrugged. "It could be lesser or it could be sudden I guess."
"We'll be on alert from solstice on, Xander. That way we're not caught off-guard again." Xander nodded, relaxing again. "I really would like to know about some of those incidences myself."
"You can use the web portal too," Xander quipped. He got up and hopped off. "Let me finish packing since my plane leaves in two hours." He did that and escaped while Giles was still registering on that site. His phone rang while he was in the security line. "That will not save you from me yelling about a few of those, Xander. We shall talk when you get back," he read. "Yup, he's still in the early days." He turned off his phone. If it was important, Andrew could remotely turn it back on for him so Giles could scream.
By the time he got to Florida, his phone had two voicemails, both threatening him for ever daring to do such things. He called up there. "Buffy, tell him to take a tylenol and a nap. If he's not past Sova's little incident with the incubus, he'll need a nap. No, I'm in Florida." He grinned at the security guard staring at him. "Yeah, that incident. Did he take a nap? Because the first battle was right after that and he's going to scream. A lot. Thanks. No, I'm turning it off so you and he can't nag." He hung up and pulled out his ID when the security guy strolled over. "Giles just read some of the stuff I left out of reports while I was training in Africa."
"Oh, you're one of them."
"Yup, and I'm on vacation to heal," he said with a smile. He hopped off, going to grab his backpack and other bag, hopping off to get a cab. Thankfully the local flights didn't go as high so he didn't have that sort of problem from the head injury.
***
Xander finally called Giles' phone after the too calm sounding 'Xander, you had better call me tonight' message he got the next morning. "Giles, how close to Burkina Faso or Tanzania?" He listened to the 'I've gotten past both of those' and winced. "You did it without a nap? Wow. Are you okay?" Giles said something in that same too calm voice. "Giles, what did you expect me to do with only two slayers over the age of puberty at the time of Burkina Faso? Someone had to handle it and the locals were just panicking."
He listened. "Yeah, so I really do deserve the vacation, right?" He grinned at the 'yes, take extra time'. "As long as I don't come back to nagging from the top two or three, Giles." He heard the tiredness. "Giles, go take a nap. That's why I suggested that break before you got into the big rush of battles that year. How far have you gotten?" He winced at the 'to the current moment' one. "Wow. Yeah, you could use a nap, Giles. Trust me, it'll get better. Now people come searching for us when things happen instead of panicking and then coming to find us to fix what they aggravated." He listened.
"I'm going to spend my first day on the beach and hopefully find someone pretty to flirt with. Why?" He listened. "Sure, I can do that. Hey, if it'll help. Just don't get me nagged. Okay?" He heard the 'I wouldn't tell them, they won't believe me' answer. "Which is why I never told you. Exactly. Hey, bonus pay?" he quipped at the displeased grunt. "Since I didn't get hazard pay? Evil girls are expensive, Giles. They only want the best of everything and this way I can at least treat them to dinner." He grinned at the sigh. "Have a good rest, Giles. Just...nap it off and it'll seem more sane when you wake up. Like Sunnydale does in hindsight." He hung up and went to the beach before anyone else found him to nag. Willow could probably track him somehow so he wanted to be around people that might dilute the huffy girl fit, or at least help him hide from her.
Thankfully that site hadn't had an account of everything. There were plenty of places in Africa that smartphones wouldn't work.
***
Xander made it to the better beach place and sighed in pleasure as he walked out. He had taken his casts off about two days prior, they were healed enough for him to stand on, barely, and they were hindering him getting a good bad girl to flirt with. Though he had gotten a few pity sexing ups. That had been nice. They had even bought dinner for them both instead of insisting he should. He walked out onto the beach on his crutches, just in case he needed them, and settled into a chair with a sigh of relief. He checked his phone then put it into the bag. He had sent messages when he had gotten here and hadn't heard anything. So hopefully there wasn't a huge issue that had kept everyone from writing him back or he wasn't fired or something. He stretched out in the sun, smiling at the woman staring his way. "I need to tan where the casts were."
"We can tell, boy."
Xander grinned. "My name's Xander."
"You're adorably stupid," she said.
He smirked. "I know your ex-husband, Phyllis." She gaped. He stared at her over the edge of his sunglasses, still grinning. "I'm *that* Xander."
"Oh. I saw the thing in New York. No wonder you had casts."
"I was handling the one in Africa but yeah, same basic reason." He shrugged and shifted. "I won't flirt with you. Alan would hate me."
"Thank you for not even trying."
He smirked. "I'm looking for an evil goddess sort. You're too sensible according to him." She snorted but smirked at him before turning back around. Xander popped his neck by rolling it back and forth a few times. Then he sighed in pleasure again. His phone chirped one message so he pulled it out of his beach kit to look at it.
//Giles said he's ignoring you exist because agents have found that same site and so have the slayers. If he doesn't know where you are, he has plausible deniability. He said to have fun and find a good girl to keep you for an extra week. That way no one has to admit you exist to agents, reporters, or stupid people who are protesting that you're normal and doing the same job the girls are.//
"I like Andrew." He sent back a message and put his phone away again, getting comfortable again.
A male strolled over. "You shouldn't be flying for another two weeks," he said quietly.
Xander opened an eye to look at his neurologist. "I'm down here looking for an evil goddess sort to flirt with. There weren't any in Florida that were handily available." He grinned. "Also, puddle jumper so not as high, and not a problem beyond my ears popping really hard. But thanks for worrying. I don't want to interrupt your vacation too."
"You're not. The whole band is having one up the road."
"Well, I'm only here until I pick up a nice evil one to flirt with. Then I'll probably be too busy to be noted." He grinned. "Giles hopes so anyway."
New Jersey nodded as he walked off. He went to tell Buckaroo he was there. So was Darcy as it happened. Jane had sent her on a vacation since she was so stressed. He noted her to the group and sent her at Xander. Who flirted with her to make her giggle. All the guys in the know about their special blood histories watched in interest as a slightly weird looking woman showed up to flirt with Xander. Who Darcy quipped about. She got her brother, who again looked just slightly off human normal. That gave Darcy someone to flirt with too. The band members all sighed in unison over the bad girl thing going on over there. Poor guy. And poor Darcy.
Hell gods weren't good for a body.
***
Darcy showed up at the end of her vacation back at Avengers tower. She ran into Thor first, smiling and hugging him. "Big guy, is it a huge problem for you if my vacation flirting led to a few gods?"
"Like other Asgardians?" he asked.
"No. Like from other realms. They were always nice, and the only one that wasn't polite because I told him he couldn't have my boobs, well he didn't like the taser and Xander used something we tripped into with another person on him and his twin sister." She let the frown clear up. She smiled at him again.
"Who did you run into?" he asked, staring down at her. She pulled out the notes Xander had made her so she could look them up for later dinners if she wanted to. He read the notes, staring at it oddly. "They're from known hell realms."
"Yeah but some hell realms are that way because they're missing stuff. Like one has no music. Though not a great choice of representation since they take humans in as slaves and call them cows, but one has no seafood. One has no dancing. For some that's hell."
Thor looked at her. "Come, Darcy. We'll find out why such as them wanted to get intimate with you."
"Mostly they really wanted Xander but it was nice they brought people for me to flirt with. Including some really nice guardian knight sorts." Thor just nodded, taking her to Jane so they could disinfect her and get her straightened out. "Jane!" she chirped, giving her a hug. "I met a few very nice demonic knights that were guarding the hell gods that wanted to date Xander."
"Xander?" Jane asked.
"That Council guy," Darcy prompted. "He was down there healing his broken legs and to get his flirt on. And I guess when he fell into the hole with the cursed treasure with the other group's head guy that was about usual for them."
Jane turned to look at her. "What?" Thor shared the note. She looked at Darcy. "So you met a hell god?"
"I met like six. They wanted to flirt with Xander. A few brought their brothers to flirt with me and a few just handed over their security forces for me to flirt with. They were really sweet. Only one couldn't take 'no touching the boobs' and Xander dealt with him after I tazed him."
"Uh-huh. Did any of them touch you in the wrong way?"
"No! None asked for anything. Not a kiss, not a grope, not a soul fraction, nothing. They were just flirting." She grinned. "Xander got majorly tickled that they came to flirt with him because his ex-fiancee had told them how good he was in bed. Apparently she wanted a lot of sex and he willingly gave it over." She grinned. "Not that I asked Xander for a demonstration. The night we got a bit tipsy in the club he fell into some cursed buried treasure with another guy and I got escorted properly back to my room by one of the knights while the others helped pull them out of the cavern. They were really gentlemanly. I wish I'd get some guys like that." She shrugged and grinned. "But I'm back, well rested, and all perkied up."
"I can see that. You're happy that demons treated you better than some of your dates."
"They did. They were really sweet to me."
"Good. That's great. Let's go have lunch," Jane suggested. She gave Thor an eye-order to go find Stark and take the note to him. Jane hoped it wasn't a poisoning from a scale or something. She didn't know anyone who had studied demon poisons.
Thor took the note to Stark's lab once the ladies were on the elevators. "Lady Darcy's back, Stark."
"That's good," he said absently. "How was her vacation?"
"The demon lords and their guardians treated her very nicely when they came to flirt. Better than some men she's met according to her. Only one tried to grope and the rest didn't wish to." Stark dropped his wrench and spun to look at him. He handed over the note. "There was also mention of cursed buried treasure."
Stark stared at the note then at him. "Any of them that might show up to take her?"
"She said none asked anything of her outside one that refused to take 'no' when he tried to grope her chest." Thor grimaced. "Jane is presently feeding her."
"That's a great thing. We can disinfect her or whatever. Holy water her to normal Darcy behavior." He went with Thor upstairs after calling on Bruce to come help.
Bruce took the note. "I remember her. She showed up to talk to one of her guardian's spawn as she called it." He grinned at Darcy. "She seemed to really care how the kid was doing."
"They were all really sweet. Their guards they let flirt with me were really respectful. Only one of the hell gods tried to grope and Xander got him since I couldn't use my taser in the water after he ran there to get away from the first zap." She sipped her tea with a smile for them. "I'm fine, people. Just happy from my vacation in the Carribean. Though I need to borrow a safe, Stark. Xander let me have some of the stuff he fell into one of the times. It's girl jewelry and he can't play favorites by giving it to a slayer. The others would complain."
Stark nodded slowly. "As long as it's not evil and going to infect anything."
"I don't think so." She looked in her bag, pulling out that mini bag to toss onto the counter. "I won the rubies at strip poker. Then I cleaned them because they were his penis jewelry. The diamond choker is supposed to be cursed but not unless you're wearing it. The other one was just in the same area."
Stark looked in there, taking an oven mitt to pick up the jewelry to look at. "Sure, I can clear out a safe once we make sure it's all cleaned up and not radiating. JARVIS, find me an expert on buried treasure, specifically cursed stuff."
"There's two in the city, Sir, and one shall be here this afternoon at two."
"Thank you." He looked at her. "Maybe we should do some holy water, Lewis?"
She smirked. "They did that at one of the demon clubs. I got kidnaped for twenty minutes by one of the younger bodyguarding demons. He wanted to show up his boss's slutty girlfriend and the demon bar was having a wet t-shirt contest. I was his entry and he apologized a lot when Xander found me. Then again, I had won and his boss's girlfriend was pouty and snotty about losing to a human who only had two breasts since she had three but they were tiny mouthful sorts." She grinned at Jane. "I beat out a breeder demon who had just whelped. She had eight that were milk-full."
Jane just nodded. "We can holy water you down again, Darcy. Just in case." They led Darcy off to do that, letting Jane do the actual wetting down with Thor nearby in case she reacted the wrong way. The cursed jewelry expert was very happy to see her collection from Xander and told her where they had come from so she'd know and how much they were worth. She could pay off her student loans finally if she sold some. So she sold one that was just a pretty normal thing to do that. He was pleased and Stark was ready to drink for whole new reasons by the time he was done.
***
Xander walked into the main slayer house. "I'm back. Andrew, there's a small police department in Jamaica that wants to beat you to death for your 'so you need an apocalypse' set with the demonic ritual. They said they thought it was a joke until it worked and the demon showed up to love on them. The local police were not amused." He tossed presents to Buffy, Faith, and Willow when he ran into them, two reports to Giles as he walked past him, and then handed Andrew a small bag from his. "The demon said thank you for thinking of him and he really did like the remains of the cookies you sent me." He winked and strolled out back, letting one of the flirty ones take him back to his routine in Africa.
Giles walked into the kitchen, staring at Andrew. "I thought those were joke items?"
"Um...no, I'm recruiting for my future geek legion of evil." He smiled.
Giles stared at him. "We'll discuss that later, Andrew. Where is Xander?"
"He got taken off by a demon. She was all flirty dressed too."
"I see." Giles looked at the reports and sighed. "That boy is going to drive me to drink more than Buffy dating did," he muttered as he walked off again. "Who is Darcy Lewis?" he asked out loud.
"The pretty brunette that helps Jane Foster," Buffy said.
"Me?" Faith asked.
"No, the one that came with Jane, the other pretty busty brunette at the thing in England, Faith. What did he give you?" She showed her. "Ooooh. Pretty." She showed off her own present.
"That's sweet," Faith agreed. "It'd look better on your skinnier and shorter body than mine would." They looked at Willow, who held up a pretty pendant. "That's pretty."
"It is," she agreed with a smile. "I'm wondering how Xander afforded it."
"Either it came from when he stumbled into a cave of buried treasure or from the demon poker game," Giles said without looking at them. He sighed. "Miss Lewis apparently won a breeder's courting set." The slayers giggled but blushed. "Indeed. I hope she cleaned it very well." He went back to his office to have a drink or three. Xander did drive him so batty at times.
Andrew had Darcy's contact information so he sent her a text message making sure she knew how to clean those jewels. And that they were often family jewels so someone might ask to buy them off her.
***
Bruce looked at Darcy that night. "I looked up that species to see how those were worn." She nodded, chewing her sandwich. "Interesting that they're worn genitally."
"They're courting sets. You put one on like we put on push-up bras and lacy panties." She smiled at him. "Their penises are about the same only they have a pointy head instead of a rounder one and theirs seem to inflate most of the way down, leaving a ring around the base that they wear the bigger jeweled piece, kinda how we wear cockrings. Then they twirl the dual sets around their balls, which there's three of so they wind between them, then back to the cover/plug part, that meets up with the waist in the back. Some have more dangling. I didn't look or anything but the nice knights kinda put me there to safely give me something to do while they helped their goddess boss rescue Xander from the cursed buried treasure cavern he had tripped into by himself.
"That was the third falling into buried stuff moment. Apparently whoever cursed it wanted to keep Xander and she was not a happy goddess who wanted him to prove to her that Anya wasn't just bragging for points." She ate another bite. "So we played strip poker," she said once she had swallowed. "Though it was nice his girlfriend appreciated him without the jewelry. She said it always got in her way and rubbed her wrong." She shrugged and grinned as she ate another bite.
"That's really weird," Bruce said.
"It was pretty. Drew the eye nicely." She shrugged. "Different strokes for different folks. The other one playing had all sorts of fringe looking chains on his. They flowed up to the chains in his pointed ears. I only lost a shirt and I had shown more tits on the beach in my bikini top. Which is why the one wanted me to win the wet t-shirt contest to show up his boss's girlfriend." She ate the last bite of her sandwich.
"You live a much more wild life than I do, Darcy."
She grinned and swallowed. "You could get out there and fool around. There's no rule that says you can't. Plenty of girls wouldn't care about your other side and there's a few who might like to pet him to keep him calm too." Bruce walked off blushing. She grinned at her good work and made a second sandwich to take to her room. Before someone else got the idea to make her take a holy water shower.
***
In New Jersey, two of the top three of the band were looking at the other one. "Are you *sure* you're not related to either of them, Buckaroo?" Tommy asked. "I mean, only you and the kid could be wandering and *fall* into a buried treasure."
"Thankfully they're used to us there and already had the forms on file. They said they pulled them out when they heard we landed," New Jersey said, staring at his boss and friend. Buckaroo shrugged but got some water to sip. "Though it was nice that Darcy was so helpful and kind to them."
"It was," Tommy agreed. "Still a bit freaky that she won the wet t-shirt contest over ones with bigger, and more, breasts." He walked off shaking his head. "I need someone to pull blood on those two to make sure they're not Buckaroo's kids."
"I don't have kids," Buckaroo complained. "And I'm not half as bad as Harris."
"Uh-huh. That's because you're not a warrior," Tommy shot back.
Buckaroo looked at the others, who were carefully not watching the fight. "It's cool, guys."
"Not likely," one quipped. "That kid's back in Africa and ran into another temple. He had to go in to get the hostages out. The news reports said that the dark goddess demanded sex for their rescue so she's presently squealing worse than Penny does to you on your anniversary."
Buckaroo walked off shaking his head but smiling. He hadn't seen Penny in a few weeks. Maybe she'd be happy to be cuddled tonight?
New Jersey looked at the feed over that Hong Kong Cavalier's shoulder, sighing in disgust. "Even when I was his age I couldn't do that." They showed the hostages coming out and Xander following being a bit sweaty but otherwise okay. Then he took some water from a waiting priest to drink as he went to his truck. The goddess came out and flopped down in front of her temple, pouting at the priest about him not staying with her.
The rest of the guys just sighed and listened for Penny to get squeal happy with Buckaroo.
***
Stark looked up as Pepper put a printed page in front of him before walking off laughing. He looked at the printed page. "Apocalypse in a box," he read. He blinked a few times. "And that's a nice sounding company to look up." He did that. "The guy with the Council who may be sane," he said as he looked that company over. He got into their other offerings. He read the reviews. Including the three that said they had gotten it to work but the local cops had stopped them. "Interesting."
The other products had the same sort of notes. Including one that was in limited quantities because they were being pulled from the shelves. He looked up why and found the nice news story about the demon taking cookies to disappear after being summoned to take over the world with the summoner. "Uh-huh." He stared at it until someone walked into his lab. He looked at the redheaded woman. "I'm going to have to save the world again, right?"
She took the product page to look at then looked at the news story on his screen. "Interesting. Yes, you may have to." She got onto the demon information pages to look Andrew up. "Ah, he used to be part of an evil geek trio but he reformed after the other two were killed."
He looked it over, then up at her. "So should we worry or not?"
She shrugged. "We probably should. It says that the other two were nearly there." She walked off with that page to show to the others. She handed it to Steve as she walked past him.
He read it. "Is it a serious thing or a joke present?" he asked her.
"Serious. Someone tried and nearly managed it with a different kit. Thankfully the demon wanted his cookies instead."
"Sure," he sighed. He looked it up using google. The reviews weren't great but enlightening. "Who is this guy?" he asked when Natasha walked past him again with some water.
"He's the housemother at the Council. He used to be part of a trio of geeks who wanted to take over the world."
Clint leaned out of the media room. "Andrew Wells put out a new kit?"
"One that let a demon up but it wanted cookies," Natasha said with a smile. "How do you know of them?"
"Bermuda didn't happen the way it had started to happen," Clint said dryly. "And don't ask me what didn't happen because you'll only get it out of me when I'm really drunk." He went back to his tv watching.
Steve blinked at Natasha. "Should we worry?"
"Only if they get one to work." She sipped her water.
He groaned, going back to the products. "We should tell Coulson." He smiled a bit. "That's more of an administrative issue instead of ours."
"Perhaps," she agreed. "If I see him I'm going to finish our discussion."
"I'll send it to him," Steve promised, going to the computer to look that up on Amazon. Then he sent the link to Coulson's email address.
***
On the special response plane, Skye saw the email pop up. "Coulson, email from Captain America's personal account."
He came out to read it, staring at the short note and link. He went to the link, nodding at what he saw. "That does not surprise me." He walked off looking those up. "Interesting history Mr. Wells has."
Agent May came out of the pilot's area, staring at him. "What?"
"Andrew Wells put out an apocalypse in a box set." He looked at her.
She sighed. "Gag gift," she said, walking off.
"Not exactly. Apparently Jamaica nearly fell but the demon took cookies to go away."
Agent May sighed as she walked off. "Of course it took cookies. We'll have to stock some in case we run into another one. Like we do with holy water."
He nodded. "It would be nice to have anyway." He went to his office to make plans. He shared that information with Agent Hill. She sent back a sigh of disgust and ordered him to talk to Andrew. Since they would be near there and not on their way to an emergency, they'd have to talk to him. "Melinda, change our course to Cleveland. Agent Hill told us to talk to him."
"Of course she did," she complained, going up to deal with that plan change.
***
Phil Coulson poured a cup of coffee when Andrew stumbled in the next morning, handing it to him. "Mr. Wells, we have to talk about your product sideline."
He sipped the coffee, staring at him. "What about them?"
"Starting an apocalypse is often considered a bad thing. Especially to the US government, Mr. Wells."
Andrew finished the coffee and made another pot, starting on the breakfast needs. Then he looked at the agent. "They're our old plans. Whatever they do with them is on them, not on us."
"Not really. You did give them the means."
"So do the gun manufacturers." He smirked. "What I do is perfectly legal, just like them." He walked over to the fridge, grabbing the eggs and coming back. "Sorry but not my doing. I only put out the information. Most people think it's a gag gift."
"Perhaps, but they'd still look at you funny. The gun manufacturers get by with it since they sell to the government."
"I've sold to three different senators. Two thought it was a gag gift and the other one's trying to do an ascension for all we know."
"Do we know which one he is?"
"She."
"Which one is she?"
"Someone from Wyoming." He shrugged. "She's real friendly with some of the more religious members." He grinned. "You have fun with her. She's due to come up during a pretty occlusion in about five years."
"What's an ascension?" he asked.
"Human to a huge demon." He smiled. "Look up our high school graduation. They covered it up but oh well."
He did look that up. Phil Coulson scratched his eyebrow with his thumb while he looked over the film. "All right." He looked at him. "Is there a project to help with that?"
"No. That's really disgusting and I'd hate to die to that."
"Good. Thank you." He put his phone up and looked at him. "We would prefer if you not sell those."
"Free enterprise, Agent Coulson," he quipped. "The slayers are going to run you over in about ten minutes." Upstairs, alarm clocks were going off. He started to dish up food as the slayers ran in and nearly over the agent. Thankfully Coulson could pick up the two minis that tried to go through him and put them onto benches so they could be closer to the food and not on top of him. Andrew grinned at the girls. "The government people think I might be mean."
"You are. You make us clean," one of the minis said.
"Not that way," Coulson said. He looked at Andrew. "We have the utmost respect for the slayers so we'd never want to make them more work."
Andrew gave him a smug look. "None of them will do it by themselves without a lot of creativity."
"That's nice of you," Coulson agreed. "We'd still rather they not be offered. That way only those who are very motivated do something like that because they did the research."
Buffy walked in. "Problems?" she asked, blinking hard at him. "Someone make me coffee?" The girls did that and handed her the cup of half sugar/half coffee. She sipped. "Thanks, ladies. Milk?" They handed it to her. "Even better. Don't you guys have to catch the bus soon?" They shook their heads. "Holiday?"
"In service day," Andrew said. "So they have sparring today." The girls groaned and took their breakfasts into the living room to watch tv. "He's worried about my side company's project boxes."
She stared at him while sipping her gooey coffee. "Uh-huh. If you make me more work that makes me as messy as the last apocalypse did, I'm going to make you sorry and clean it all off by hand."
"Of course I would. Not like it'll come out in the wash," Andrew shot back.
She walked off smiling. "Good to know. I'll let the other girls know."
"Sure. I'm sure someone can take the minimal ideas and do something spectacular." He grinned at the agent. Who stared back.
"We'd like no one to try to end the universe," Coulson said.
"Not my fault what they do with it," Andrew said with a smile for him. "It could be worse, I could be using some of Xander's contacts."
"Please don't do that. Especially if you went to the ones we heard he had dated while he was on vacation."
"I heard of it on the tracking websites. They were very happy that Darcy Lewis was so sweet and Xander was cuddly because he had been injured."
"He took her on his vacation?"
"They met down there." He made more eggs. Coulson nicely got out of the way of the older girls coming down to inhale food. "He was on the beach when she showed up for her vacation so they hung out. He picked up a few hell goddesses, she got some nice guardian knights." The slayers all looked at him. He smiled at them. "Xander on vacation." They all sighed but nodded and ate more food.
A late slayer came in. "What's going on?"
"Xander picked up or flirted with hell goddesses on his vacation."
"I think that's why he came in to give reports, bribes, then disappeared before anyone could find out why." She gave Andrew a pouting look. "Feed me, Andrew?"
"Of course I feed you." He handed her food and a plate. She grinned, shimmying into a free spot to eat.
Coulson nodded, making that note. "I'll ask her what happened in case they decide to show up in New York to take her out for a date night." He looked at Andrew. "How many more project boxes do you have coming out that we'd not like?"
He shrugged. "I don't know yet. Sometimes I just get a wacky idea. Not like I have something to take my attention outside of the house. I don't have a girlfriend, even one I made like Warren had."
"Eww," all the girls complained.
"He made a Buffy bot and no one could tell the difference," Andrew quipped with a smile for them. "Even Willow and Xander couldn't tell unless she said something about her programming." They all whined and shook their heads.
"Is he available for recruitment?" Coulson asked. "That could have strategic uses for undercover missions."
"No, he got skinned alive by Willow when he killed Tara and she nearly ended the earth because of him," Andrew sighed. "Though I miss Jonathan."
One of the younger girls ran in and gave him a hug. "We need more geeks like you, Andrew. You need to recruit or have babies." She kissed him on the cheek before stealing some food and running off again.
Andrew grinned. "I need a girlfriend to have babies."
"We have friends," one of the older slayers quipped. "A few think you're cool." Andrew gave her a hug then went back to make more food for the slayers. They always got seconds, except for the time Willow had spelled them all into being *delicate* girls.
Coulson looked at Andrew. "Would you like to talk about that? Perhaps I can give Mr. Stark Warren's plans since he likes robotics so much."
"Isn't that a vision Xander had about an apocalypse battle?" Andrew asked.
"I haven't seen all those so maybe. I'll have to look." He smiled. "Take out one necessary step so no one actually calls a demon into being."
Andrew smirked. "I doubt I'll ruin my rep that way, Agent Coulson. It's how I make money so I can afford my condo on the beach."
"We'd appreciate it."
Andrew nodded. "And most of you still suck toward the girls. Not you particularly but quite a few agents still suck towards the girls. I don't care if they get eaten."
"Understood. Just...tame them down please. We'll talk later as you're busy." He got out of the way of marching younger slayers coming back for seconds on breakfast. He left, going back to the plane to talk to his team and Nick Fury.
Andrew winked at one, making her giggle. He dished up sweets. "Since you're off today and you'll have sparring." The girls ran off with their sweets and hid with it. That way Buffy couldn't take their free day from them.
***
Agent Coulson walked up to Jane Foster's lab and took a deep breath before walking in. "Miss Lewis, can we discuss something for a moment?"
She took her earbud out, staring at him. "About what?" She turned to face him.
"Your vacation dalliances."
"I didn't sleep with anyone on vacation. I flirted. They were nice to flirt with me since their bosses or sisters wanted Xander so much."
"I see. Do you have a report? We'd like to keep track of some of that."
"Jane had it the last I knew. She used it right before I got a shower of holy water."
"You needed it," Jane said from her seat. She didn't even have to look at her. "You won a wet t-shirt contest against demons with multiple teats."
"Really? Why?" Coulson asked her.
She smiled. "One of the guards wanted to show up his boss's snotty girlfriend."
"Ah. Interesting." He stared at her. "So nothing happened except for some flirting?"
"I won some things in a poker game while I was being kept safe because the rest were off saving Xander from some buried treasure he fell into."
"Buried treasure?"
"It was the third time. The first time it was cursed."
He stared at her. "Let's talk about what happened. That way I know if I need to seek out Mr. Harris to get a report from him." She sighed, getting up and following him to the lounge area. "How did you get wherever?"
"Jane sent me on vacation. She decided I was stressed."
"I can see how that happens around here. I spent six weeks following Mr. Stark to make him do things."
She smirked. "It's not that hard. You just gotta know how to talk to the guy, and sometimes nag about him having real food because he forgot while doing Science. Jane does the same thing. Only without robots."
He stared at her for a moment then unbuttoned his jacket, getting comfortable. "How do you get her or Stark to do anything?"
She smiled. "It's not that hard. JARVIS, can you show him how I do it?" The tv screen popped on with a video of her talking Stark into things. She just smiled at him.
"I'll have to use those tactics on my team's R&D team." He looked at her again. The tv turned off. "So, your vacation was where?" She pulled up information on it. "Ah, the demon information pages?"
"One of the sites."
"I'd really like the address of the other sites, just so we can keep track of things before they get out of hand."
"I only have the one. Sorry."
"That's fine." He made note of it and handed the phone back once he was done reading. "It sounded like it was interesting."
"Then I came home to two holy water showers," she said dryly, standing up. "Thanks for asking. Have a great day." She had spotted Clint Barton coming up the hallway and wanted out of the way. She knew he had *plans* for this agent.
Phil looked up as Clint walked in. "It figured that's why the debriefing went so smoothly with her. She's usually more obtuse." Clint glared at him. "What do you know of her vacation?"
"I didn't follow her." He stared at his former handler.
Coulson stared back. "Someone might want to in case she gets courted again." He stood up.
Barton shrugged. "She handled it well and just let them flirt. She's great at it when they try in bars." He shifted to the left because he had heard Natasha's distinctive step behind him. Then Coulson had to yelp when his arm got reopened in the same former wound. "Huh. That looks like it hurt." He walked off feeling smug. "Maybe as much as Columbo."
Coulson looked at Natasha. "How long are you going to punish me for Nick not telling you?"
"We'll get him after we're done punishing you." She smirked a tiny little smirk. "I'm sure you can handle the discussion."
"I'm sure I hate explaining the holes to my tailor."
"I can make it better," she said, moving closer. "We can hold most of the discussion right now."
"I'd rather wait until my arm was healed," he said dryly, staring at her. Her smirk got a bit bigger. "But if we must, I can handle that. As you know." He led her to the gym and tried hard to defend himself. And then when he was a sweaty mess Clint came back to help. He'd be limping back onto the plane the next day, after a night in the infirmary. But they'd be less pissed at him finally. He hoped. He was running out of suit jackets. He limped onto the plane and his team nicely gave him a few ice packs, a pillow to rest against, and their shared bottle of tylenol. It was sweet of them to fuss over him that way. He missed Clint doing it but they could work their way back up to it.
***
Stark walked up to Lewis. "What are they talking about your special bloodlines for?" he asked quietly, staring her down.
"Apparently there was something like a strong witch or something way back when. A few would like me to take up the practicing so there's more good ones in the world." She shrugged. "It'd mess up Jane's Science."
"So just someone powerful way back when?"
She nodded. "As far as I've been told. Apparently there was a time last year that I could've awakened the gift or something but the guys talking to me got interrupted by a witch going rogue. I looked at it but it's not my thing, Stark. They were talking to others at the same time about the same thing."
"When was this?"
"When I went to New Jersey for that concert. One of the people in the band knew about it and wanted to talk to me. Apparently we're distant relatives." She shrugged but smiled. "It was a great concert until a witch went rogue trying to get a blood sacrifice in the parking lot so Rosenburg herself showed up to whip her ass into shape by calling that same hell goddess back to chastize the lower witch for being a dumbass." Stark winced. "Which is when I met Xander. He got invited for the same reason."
"So the mermaid taint?"
"He does? He didn't mention that. No, they were talking long distant bloodlines, not recent stuff." She grinned. "He's a nice guy, kinda goofy but sweet and just wants someone nice in his life. I can't be that girl, but he's got a good game if he didn't expect her to help him with the slayers in the middle of nowhere."
"The only times we've talked he seemed okay and like the only voice of reason."
"I think that may depend on how much the house full of teenage girls drove him nuts."
"It would me too," he agreed. "But just a strong witch or whatever?"
"Yeah, from what they said. Why?"
"I'm wondering if that's why those demon queens wanted to flirt with you."
"They wanted to flirt with Xander and since I was hanging with Xander it was sweet of them to give me someone to talk to while they tried to talk him into bed, and a few of them came to talk to him about problems that were coming up."
"That makes sense. Kind of."
"Let the wing man have her own flirty times so you get the main one, Stark."
"I don't usually have a wing man, I don't know how those happen."
"Sometimes it's just fun. I had a lot of fun. It was a great vacation." She smiled again. "Is that a problem?"
"No, not that I know of. What about Thor?"
"I talked to him first when I got back to make sure he wasn't going to have a Thor-temper about it."
"Okay, that's fine. I just don't want things to get evil around here."
She patted him on the arm. "You're the only evil thing here, Stark, and that's only because you could take over the world if you wanted to. Thankfully, Pepper doesn't want to do the paperwork for you so she diverts your attention." He snorted but gave her an evil smirk. She grinned back, walking off. "Have you eaten in recent memory?"
"I ordered subs, Lewis. Mother hen Jane, not me."
"Coulson wanted to know how I managed that." She shot a smirk back at him. "He wanted to know about my vacation too."
"Which is what got my attention. Though I can definitely get around him."
She winked at him. "Of course you can, especially after the scary twins got done with him."
"Good point." He went back to his lab to look things up. It made sense that someone was searching for more strong bloodlines with all the magic going wrong around the world right now. Though he was worried it was to sacrifice them instead. They'd have to protect her from that sort.
***
Xander walked past Darcy on the streets of New York two days later. "Let me borrow your taser please," he said quietly, staring at her. She handed it over and he zapped the demon stomping their way, making it become visible. "Thanks. Scatter." He handed it back, letting her eject the cartridge and run off. He stared at the demon. "What are you doing here? The local mini was so scared she had Willow summon me."
The demon sniffed him. "Smells like chaos," he said with an evil grin.
"Well, I was born in Sunnydale," he said dryly, staring at him. Now if only Willow had remembered to bring his weapons with him.
"Harris," someone shouted. He looked up and caught the bow. "Welcome. Where's the weak spot?"
"Right in the head." He shot the thing, making it scream and fall backward, trying to pull the arrow out. Another one sank into the skull and this one exploded. "Eww, but handy. Thank you." He handed back the bow when he got down there. "Willow summoned me because the thing scared a mini slayer and forgot my weapons."
Clint winced. "You good?"
"I'm fine. I'm glad I was out of the shower. Five minutes out of the shower. I'm even mostly dressed." He looked at his shorts and t-shirt, but no shoes, no jacket, and it was late fall. He looked up. "Can I go home now since I'm not really dressed for New York?" he called. No answer. Clint handed over his phone so he called her. "Voicemail," he said dryly. "Willow, you summoned me to New York and I'm barely dressed, without my wallet, and without weapons or shoes. Can I go home now?" He hung up with a sigh, handing the phone back. "Thanks."
"Welcome." He grinned. "I can call someone to come help you."
Xander looked at him. "I don't trust your bosses at all."
"Me either."
A car sped up and brakes squealed. Xander glanced over and got them moved into an alley, then up a fire escape. "Go. They're probably here for me."
"Come back to the tower."
"Agent Barton, they want me because your boss outed me as a seer. Therefore I'm a thing to them. They won't care about your teammates. They gassed a town last week."
"C'mon. No time to argue." Xander sighed but followed him. "We can stop their asses." He called it in. "Steve, me. I found a wandering watcher that got summoned and we nearly got taken by agents. On our way via roofs." He listened. "There, yup. Please do." He hung up and got Xander out of the way of the helicopter firing on them. "Fuck!"
"Yeah, I feel that way too and I really should have Andrew use his nanites to make your boss my eternal bodyguard."
"He's a horrible shot," Clint quipped. "And he'd hate you dating."
"If I knew one of my dates was nearby I'd go to them. Most of them would help me."
"We like you well enough." He got them onto another roof and down their emergency stairs, then back outside so they could do the last two blocks to the building. They got there and ducked behind Steve, Clint getting a reload and Xander taking a few guns off the security guards. Clint grinned at him. "Nice choices."
"Thanks. Especially since one's one of them." He stared at him. "I saw you."
"My cousin, sir."
"Better be."
"I'm not part of this. He's an idiot." He backed off, hands up. "Really a big idiot."
"Thank you." They moved to defeat the assholes. And an asshole general. Who Xander just shot in the body armor. "I warned your ass about coming near us."
"How did you get visions, boy?" the general sneered.
"The minion popped my eye," he shot back. This time it was a head shot. General Ross didn't get up from that. "I feel safer now," he sneered. "You can't come for the slayers again."
Clint looked over. "That's going to cause a stink."
Xander shook his head. "No it won't. He came after a few of the baby slayers. I had to come help rescue them last week. That was the last time I got summoned." More agents showed up and Xander stared at one. "Awww, look, it's the one who created this mess," he sneered. "I hope you're happy."
Fury looked at the mess then at him. "How many were yours?"
"No comment, jackass. The same as me having to handle them gassing a town I wasn't even in is one." Fury growled. Xander stared back. "I can make sure I'm safe."
"No need." He pointed. "He created this mess."
"He's protecting himself," Xander shot back. "He also has Presidential authority to do so."
"I'm sure," one of the agents sneered.
Tony walked out with a tablet, dialing. "It's Tony Stark. One of the Council guys just had to make a mess thanks to Fury," he told the person.
Xander stepped back and waved the gun in his hand. "I had to make a mess. Again. About the same reason I had to brief him about last night, Miss Haviland."
"Oh, dear. He's in a meeting and not to be disturbed, Mr. Harris. Let me try to get the Vice President." She called then spotted him coming up the hallway. "Sir!" she yelled. He came over and she tipped the camera. "Mr. Harris of the Council."
Xander nodded. "They came for me again, just like that village I had to report about last night."
"Where are you?"
"Here in New York. A demon hunting minis freaked one of the baby slayers out so Willow summoned me. Without my ID, shoes, weapons. I'm borrowing these."
"Great." He looked at the other person holding the tablet. "Stark."
"Sir," he said with a nod. He held it up so the camera could get pictures. "He had to make a mess on our doorstep. There's three buildings that have holes from them trying to fire on him and Barton."
"I need to find me an ex to get home," Xander said. "It'd be safer."
Fury sneered. "You're a big pain in my ass, Harris."
"I can shoot you too, Fury, since you're the one that started all this. After all, aren't you supposedly dead?" Fury sneered. "Sir, I need orders," Xander said calmly. "Before I take out the sneering douchebag that started all this mess by outing me as the Council's seer."
"Fury, stand down," he ordered. He turned to talk to someone on that end. "Harris, hand the weapons to one of the Avengers and go sit on their couch. Consider them holding you in custody until someone I trust gets up there. Bob, they tried Harris again."
"Same idiots, and by the way I'm sorry I had to feel safer about Ross, kinda," Xander said. "Especially after that rescue last week."
"I heard," the president said. "Fury, stand the fuck down." Fury backed up. "Xander, let the Avengers take you into custody. I'm sending up one of my people directly to this to handle it. No one makes any other move. Find out which agency that other group was. That way we can defund and decreate them. Stark?"
"Yup?"
"Harris is in your custody until I get someone up there by dinner. I need to make a few calls first to handle this stupidity. What started this, Harris?"
"Fury used me as a staked goat to bring out some of the hidden HYDRA people by outing me as a seer. This is almost as nice as the sub-nuclear bomb I found on my car the next day."
"Crap, I got that file." He cleared his throat. "Fury, go back to your office and wait on me. Harris, go calm down." Willow appeared and glared at the mess on the sidewalk. "Rosenburg!" he snapped. She flinched, looking at the tablet. "We're meeting tonight to figure out how to save Harris from all this stuff coming down on his head thanks to Fury."
"I could really use my shoes and wallet," Xander told her. "Since I can't leave until he gets here now."
She stared at him. "Why do you have a gun?" she demanded.
He walked out and pointed. "See them? They were shooting at me." He stared at her. "Thanks to Fury outing me as a seer, they think I'm now a thing to rip apart and study." She sneered. He stared back. "Thanks to you summoning me to get that demon, without weapons I might add, I was in the right place at the wrong time. By the way, call first. Give me a chance to at least grab sneakers and a sword or something?" She huffed and disappeared. He looked at the tablet. "No clue," he admitted at the amused look. "Fuck it, I want Brigit to show up."
"She's in France," Fury sneered.
Xander looked at him then across the street. "Can you tell Brigit I might need her tonight?" he called.
"Of course, Xander, and get you the stuff you accidentally left with us last time because the witch kidnaped you then."
"Thank you. Any shoes?"
"Yeah, I think so." He made that call. "It'll come in about an hour. You know she lives halfway to Pennsylvania."
"Thank you. Apparently I'll be here. Waiting on the higher ups."
"Great. It'll mean you're safe." He shot someone. "Don't move toward him. He's got a good reason to be paranoid and my boss will only treat my relatives if I die in her service or protecting him." Xander walked over to hug him. "Go inside. Clean up. You're messy."
"Thanks." He walked back over there, handing Clint the guns. One of the agents that was injured but not dead tried to get up. Steve's shield made his head bang on the concrete and he was out for a good few hours. "Thank you as well." He looked at the tablet.
"Go inside. Go clean up. I have no idea how you're doing this in bare feet."
"Gotta do it sometimes," he sighed. "Yes, sir."
"Thank you. By dinner. I'm sending Philip up. I know he's fairly anti-Council but I'll be listening to what happens. Call me back then, Stark."
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you. Try to relax and calm down, Xander."
"Yes, sir." The president hung up. "Can I go hide in a bathroom?"
"Yeah, this way, kid," he said, leading him up to the lab floor's bathroom. Xander went to clean up and do whatever he needed to do to calm down. The others of them gathered to talk about this and make sure no one else broke in to harm anyone.
***
Stark got Xander from the bathroom, letting him put on the clothes that had been dropped off for him. "Does the meditation stuff really work for you?"
"It helps control the temper tantrum I want to throw but it's not easing the paranoia," he admitted, getting up. "Thanks for the helping earlier."
"It's wrong of them to do that, even if you were some strange specimen from another galaxy or something."
"I'm definitely not one of those." He went into the bathroom stall to change, coming out in the tighter jeans and t-shirt plus worn out sneakers. "I had been clubbing." Stark grinned. "Even I need the stress relief. Right now would be a great time for a new vacation." They went upstairs and he nodded at the Chief of Staff. "Sir."
"Harris. Are you calmer?"
"Calmer but just as paranoid. Did you get to see the report on them gassing a village I wasn't anywhere near?" he asked at the dirty look.
"I haven't." Xander pulled it up on Stark's system. It linked to his phone somehow so that was handy. He read it and huffed. "Who was that stupid?"
"Ross's people." Xander looked at him. "This is the third time this week. The eighth time this month." The Chief of Staff winced. "Even with Ross dead, will it stop?"
"Probably. I'd hope so. The president said it was."
"Then please make it so before they hurt more innocents or baby slayers."
"If you'd just undo...."
"I can't undo them popping my eye!" He glared at the guy. "It's not like I *asked* for this damn gift! I never wanted to have visions and I sure as *hell* don't want to see apocalypse battles! It's a huge damn punishment for me because I stepped in to help Buffy and the higher powers over the slayers hate that I helped her win but upset their plans that they made centuries ago." He sneered. "It's not my fault that the minion got me. Trust me, if I could turn the fucking things off, I would. No one *wants* brain warping visions. We've seen three seers die of it since I got this supposed gift."
"Whatever," he said.
The president cleared his throat from the communication system. "Shut up, Philip." He settled down. "Calm down, Xander."
"Yes, sir. I'm trying. It's not going to work."
The president looked him over. "You left clothes?"
"With Brigit." He smiled. "I spotted her minion earlier and he sent them to me. Willow pulled me out of there after our last date night."
"That's charming of her, and her thing earlier. She's already yelled at us twice today. The Secret Service sedative darted her."
"They don't tend to work on her because of her protections, sir. They tend to just piss her off."
"I'll tell them that. Your people?"
"I haven't called. I would've screamed at her."
"Good point." He sighed. "All right. I've talked to Ross's second-in-command. He has been ordered to leave you, your girls, your people, and the Avengers the hell alone." Xander sighed but nodded, looking like he relaxed. "I can't do more than yell at Fury. We can't undo that knowledge."
"I know. Which is why I thought seriously about having Andrew make him my eternal bodyguard."
"That's a punishment from hell, kid, but I agree you could use one."
Xander shrugged. "None of the ones I've dated want to help me train slayers, sir."
"Good point. Are you safer down there?"
"Depends on who shows up."
"Point." He looked at Stark. "He safe there for tonight?" Stark nodded. "Good! I've got to finish my talk with Nick Fury." He looked at Xander again. "We'll try."
"I've already pre-called in a life debt, sir. If I'm killed by something like this, I'll come back as an Avatar of Justice to take out whoever killed me."
"Good! Scary but good." He smiled. "The girls must love having you with them."
"Depends on the girl," he admitted. "Willow and Buffy...."
"I know, kid. I've seen it during meetings. Just...stay calm. Don't call another ex. We'll figure out how to get you back to your stuff in Africa."
"I used a phone earlier to text the slayer I'm working with so she could get my stuff out of the hotel room so it's not stolen again."
"Weapons?" Stark asked.
"Few guns. We had to use the bigger stuff again last week."
"I do not have a report on that," the president said, staring at him.
"No one has a report on that. The local government said to forget it happened. Again."
"Where were you?"
"Near Mia."
The president considered it. "Of course that president wanted to forget about it. But hey, no press this time?"
"No, sir, no press. The military came to get me to handle it when things started. They followed directions to stop the portal and the demons. They just don't want to remember it happened."
"Do you have reports on those that you haven't given Rupert?"
"I only suggested he look on one of the demon-run sites, sir." He smiled. "There's plenty of places in Africa that smart phones don't work."
"Yes there are," Stark agreed. "How many battles have you been in?"
"One every three-four months," Xander admitted. He crossed his feet under the table. "A few I picked to stop stupid things. A few that got started that we handled. I've given all the militaries down there information so they can handle the simple stuff. They know when they can handle it and how to handle most of the bigger stuff that doesn't need magic or a slayer." He grinned. "It does make the minis a lot safer."
"I'm sure it does," the Chief of Staff said. "Have you done that to us?"
"The US militaries haven't asked and are actively playing 'we don't see you'," Xander said, looking at him. "We won't work with the Army thanks to Finn's group, but we'll gladly instruct any other group on how to help and they can teach the Army." Steve stared at him. "Sorry, but history with Rangers doing stuff that you would've stopped way back during the war," he said bluntly. "And worse." Steve nodded once and relaxed again. He looked at the two higher ups. "What do you want me to do, sirs?"
"I want you to relax and quit stressing but I doubt it'll happen," the Chief of Staff said.
"Not while I'm being hunted like some oddity."
Willow appeared. "I did not do wrong bringing you!" she said firmly.
He stared at her. "You pulled me without any warning, Willow. I didn't even have shoes on."
"You should've been dressed anyway!"
"I was five minutes out of a shower," he said more firmly, standing up to glare down at her. "You're damn lucky I managed to have on a shirt by then since I had to do the eye wash this morning too." He glared and she sneered back. "For that matter, how hard is it to call a quick 'eta 2 minutes' call? It would've been great. I could've grabbed my shoes, my weapons, my jacket, my wallet so I have my ID. It wouldn't have taken you any time. You could've even delegated to Andrew.
"It would've helped since I was getting dressed for equatorial Africa and ended up in Fall in New York City. Pants would've been great. So would've shoes. Or even socks. Having to run a few blocks in bare feet in this city is a bit dangerous. Especially since I had to pick a few pieces of glass out of my feet. Could've been a used needle or anything else." She backed down. "You could have called in a warning call. It would've taken you seconds. I had everything within grabbing distance while I dressed so I could go back to training Mia today.
"Beyond that, not the first time you've done that to me. And then I ended up having to borrow weapons to kill the demon, then to defend myself from the damn military!" She flinched back, shaking her head. "Yeah, Fury's bullshit that outed me as the seer for the Council is now haunting me. Ask Giles if you don't believe me. I've reported all those to him. He may not hear about every battle but he sure as hell hears about these sort of things so he knows he might have to evacuate some of the minis."
She slumped. "I didn't think about warning you. I figured you'd be dressed."
"Mia's village is six hours behind us," he said bluntly.
"Oh. I didn't think about the time zone thingies."
He nodded. "It's eight hours behind Cleveland for Yihana's town."
"In front, not behind," Bruce Banner said. "If it's noon here, it's six pm on the east coast of Africa and 8pm in Eritrea."
"Okay," Xander agreed, smiling at him. "Thanks."
"Welcome, kid." He looked at Willow. "A warning is always considered a nice thing unless you have seconds to handle it. He didn't even have a weapon."
"He would've ended up a greasy spot if Barton hadn't been out for some reason and let him bum his spare bow," Stark agreed. "Then he got some off my tower's guards to protect himself and us from them."
The president looked at Barton. "Thank you."
"Welcome, sir. Seemed the right thing to do. Can I get that handling it information you give to the militaries down there?"
"Yeah. I have copies of it for you guys and one of the slayers in college put up a wiki for the girls' use."
"You teach who?" Willow demanded.
"Anyone who asks. There's not enough slayers to put one in each town and village. That way they can handle the simple stuff and know when to call a slayer. Giles agreed it was a good plan. There's now twenty total slayers in Africa, Willow, and all but six are under the age of puberty. Ten of those are barely walking and babbling."
"If it takes four slayers to handle just London," Steve said. "Then it probably takes at least thirty or so to handle a country."
"London's our punishment house," Xander admitted. "It takes two to handle London and then there's the two on punishment. Though, yeah, it'd take about fifty spread and doing areas to handle all of Africa, and we can't get girls into some areas because it's too dangerous."
"No it's not!" Willow said.
"Gloria," Xander shot back. She went pale and heaved. "Yeah, it is. It's not the only place shit like that happens. That plus things like Sudan's and Rwanda's ongoing and eternal civil war. Places that wouldn't respect a female anyway because she's female." She slumped, pouting. "We'd love more but there's not more."
"I get that," she huffed. "I'll call from now on." She disappeared.
Xander sat down, leaning his head back to look up then at the screen. "I'd like to hear about those battles, Harris," the president said. "Even if it's just for us."
"Sir, one of the agents that came demanding reports actually thought it might make diplomatic things with Boko Haram more difficult that I had to rescue Gloria from them."
"He's an idiot," the Chief of Staff said. "I told him that." Xander grinned weakly at him. "How many have there been?"
"I've been down there now for just about five years. We have something bigger every three to four months. We have something huge every six or seven months. Sometimes right together. In between I go to train the minis." The president sighed, shaking his head. Xander pulled up a site, put in his password, and then let Stark have the tablet that had been on the table. "That's mine for reports that I edit for Giles. Mostly because we don't want him to become a full time alcoholic like when Buffy died. The ones in South America and Asia go on the same program. We reduce the stress on Giles before he dies of it and we have to take out some of the old liners to protect the girls."
The president nodded. "Who is second in command?" Xander pointed at the blank spot Willow had been in. "Do they know that?"
"Yup, which is why we'll have another funeral and then a lot of funerals." He nodded a bit. "Very quickly. Just so the girls are protected. Which may mean that Andrew is going to end up on top."
The president shook his head. "I don't like that idea. I've seen him doing things like apocalypse in a box?"
"It's his side company. He's recruiting for a new evil geek group. I'm told that one of your senators up there have one that they got to work but it was a step on their way to an ascension."
The president stared at him for a minute. "Which. One?"
"Not a clue. Ask him, sir."
"I can do that tomorrow." He smiled at his Chief of Staff.
"I'll pause there on my way back. Are all his nanites off?"
"Have to ask him but the last I heard the computer that had the commands on it had a virus thanks to a slayer searching for cheerleader humiliation porn," Xander quipped, grinning at him. "No clue. I'm not there often enough to be in the loop. The last time I was there, I walked in, handed over three presents, two reports, told Andrew that his apocalypse in a box in Jamaica really liked the cookies he sent me, and then left thanks to one of the ones I flirted with."
The president sighed, sounding like he deflated. "We'll talk to Mr. Wells about being good for the government."
"Jonathan did a spell thingy to make him the most interesting man in the world," Xander quipped. "It was like a love spell only worse. And I'd know."
The president blinked. "So the other geeks from his trio were worse?"
"Warren was the reason Willow lost her shit because Tara died, sir."
"Ah. Is he alive?"
"She skinned him alive."
The president coughed into his fist. "That was before her thing...." Xander nodded. "Okay. Not a problem. We can help Andrew find a few geeks to mentor perhaps. As long as he doesn't try his own world takeover bid."
"It's a lot of work, sir, and he's got a ton to do with the girls. Then again, if he did, we'd probably not realize it until he got voted into your seat or something."
"If he wants this seat, he's got to age a few years and then I'll gladly hand it over," the president said. "Most of us have no idea how bad it is sitting here."
"Just don't suggest me," Xander quipped. "There's a few demons who'd *love* that so I couldn't help the slayers."
The president's eyes went big and he nodded slowly. "I forgot about that effect." Xander smiled. "Do you?"
"Hell. No. Sir."
"Good!" He smiled. "All right, let me make this all quit being such a stain on the US. Philip, talk to Mr. Wells tomorrow without stressing him out. That would definitely upset the girls and we don't need stressed out slayers. Mr. Harris, we'll get you back to Africa and your minis. It's probably safer over there."
"I'd hope," he agreed. "How am I getting there?"
"We'll arrange something, kid. Give us until tomorrow. Philip, stay up there to coordinate that."
"Yes, sir."
"Thank you." He looked at Xander. "Nice work. Calm down. Don't call any of your ex's. If they take you out of the tower, make sure you let them know."
"I will."
"Thank you. Boys, and Agent Romanoff, stay calm. It shouldn't affect you tonight. Just...go do fun things. All right? Let me yell at a few minions." He hung up.
Xander looked at the Chief of Staff. "My ID's still down there."
"I can get them printed specially." Xander grinned. "Is your license out of Cleveland?"
"LA. My official address is a PO Box in LA."
"Even easier. They're used to weird things." He made that note. "Any idea of the number?" Xander wrote out what his address and number was. "Great. All right, let's get things calmer. I'll go yell at the people outside."
"Regular protest or extra special one?" Xander asked.
"Super special one. You're damn lucky, Harris." He walked off making notes while calling his assistant. It was nice the president trusted him but he hated to deal with the Council.
Xander sighed and slumped into the chair. "I'm sorry they drew you guys into that crap pile."
Stark shrugged. "The same people were after Bruce and would love to tear Steve apart too, Harris. We'll let you camp somewhere tonight so you can rest. I'll even send Lewis to nag you instead of Jane."
Xander grinned. "Thanks. Darcy's a sweet girl. Too sweet for me to do more than tease, but she's a nice lady."
"She is," Stark agreed. He got them down to a room and let his AI tell Darcy where he was so she could fuss or whatever. Steve was down driving off the protest, which was mostly against them instead of the poor guy. It was a quiet night in the tower but at least Xander could rest safely for a bit. Even if he did do it on Darcy's lap as it turned out. They apparently napped to netflix.
***
Thor came up the next morning, nodding at Darcy. "Good morrow, Darcy."
"Good morning, Thor." She gave him a pat on the arm. "When did you start carrying a battle axe?"
"It belongs to your vacation friend."
Xander squealed and took it to cuddle. "They fixed it. Thank you, Lord Thor." He smiled at him. "It's my baby."
"I feel much the same about my hammer." He patted him on the shoulder. "Kreth can pass on your letter of thanks." Xander pulled some paper and a pen Darcy handed him over to write that for him. Then he marked a few things on the bottom, which sent the letter. Thor stared. "You can do that?"
"One of the senior witches taught me." He grinned. "It's handy when postage back to the US from Africa is so expensive."
Thor nodded. "I can see why." He walked off smiling. The young warrior was a bit goofy but nice enough.
"Oh, dear," the AI for the tower said. Xander paused, looking up. "Mr. Harris, there appears to be a slight problem downtown." He popped up a virtual screen.
Xander moved closer to stare, touching it. "The kill spot is in the chest, about normal heart's place, and it takes silver." He looked at his axe then up. "I can go handle it if I'm not leaving in the next few minutes. The only slayer old enough to patrol around here is probably having a history exam today." He spotted a mother dragging a kid. "Oh, no, that's Belinda's mother. Someone call the NYPD to stop the warped bitch!" he complained, heading for the elevator. "Thanks, dude. Let me go handle that before she gets her daughter killed. I need to yell at that mother." The elevator opened when he got there.
"The other Avengers are gathering on the launching pad, Lord Thor," the AI said.
"I'll gladly join them. Be safe, Darcy." He went to grab his hammer and headed up to meet up with the team. Stark flew them there in a quin jet. It'd get them around the traffic jam.
Xander was jogging up to it. "Stop that stupid cunt before she gets her daughter killed!" he yelled at an officer, pointing. "She's too damn young!"
"Yes, sir! Are you Council?"
"Sure as hell am," he agreed, speeding up and taking a flying leap at the demon. It was about two stories tall. The chest was about a story up. He climbed up it, letting the officers distract it with shooting at it. He swung and hit the right spot, and his axe bounced off the protection.
The demon laughed, swatting him off him. "Puny human. Some of us are not that stupid. We even watch your movies."
"Great," Xander agreed, looking him over as he stood up. "The mark's on his thigh. Because I watch the same damn movies." The officers shuddered. "Belinda, go back to the car!" he yelled.
"She's a slayer!" her mother shouted. "I don't know who you think you are...."
Xander punched her. "I'm Xander. I'm the trainer for the girls in Africa. Your daughter is six fucking years old! She is not to be doing anything outside of learning how to get away from things! How *DARE* you bring her here! Now get your cunt ass up and go let yourself be arrested! Belinda, car, now!" he ordered with a point.
"Yes, Xander," she chirped. "Do we need magic? I can call Miss Willow. I have my special phone."
He grinned at her. "Nah, we don't need Willow. She's pouty today." He smiled and took a gun, saying something over it. "It's a blessing," he said, smiling at the officer and shooting the protection mark until it broke. The demon screamed. "Great. Let's do this again. Kill spot is on the chest, it needs silver." Stark fired on it and Barton got there with a silver arrow. "Cool!" He grinned and waved. "Thanks, guys, get his sister?" he asked with a point.
"Just needs the head blown off." They nodded, focusing on her. Xander hitched his axe to his back and went to climb up the complaining demon again. It tried to swat him. The officers fired on it to distract it again. Xander hit it in the right spot, then had to jump off it before the demon fell on him. "Ow," he muttered, getting up and limping off on his now bruised ankle. The sister demon was going down and they had brought their kid.
"Aww, it's take your kid to work day," he sneered, taking it out with a head shot. "Sorry, but your kind eat people. We don't allow that in this city. There's too many weird things already." A higher pitched voice screamed and he paused, looking around. He slowly backed up toward a building. Yup, three flying things. "What are you?" he muttered. He called that in. "Giles, me. Turn on the news. What are the flying things that I've never even seen described?" He listened. "How? Just...can't be killed. Okay. Can they be magiced off or anything?" He nodded once. "Okay." He hung up. "Tell Stark that they can't be killed. They're immortal. They're Furies. Tie them up and he'll get the coven to come banish them."
The officers called that in. Stark had an idea. Thor knocked one out of the sky with his hammer. Xander walked over to knock her out. He patted himself down. "Damn it, that's in my kit," he muttered. "Andrew, I could use my knock out bombs," he called, looking up. A small black zippered bag fell next to him. "Not exactly but it can help." He pulled out the three little balls and threw one at one of the Furies. Stark batted it back at her when it missed. "Sorry."
"Let me," Steve said, taking them to hit the two women. "What do those do?" They were shrieking about their clothes being eaten and then they passed out. He looked at Xander.
"Mixed demon byproduct bomb." He grinned. "Acidic in case it helps and then a few things mixed that create a sleeping gas. It's for use on the huge things." He picked up the zippered bag to look in it, nodding and taking out the two things. "Thanks, 'Drew," he called, smiling up. "Great job." He put the bag into his front pocket. "We need to banish them back." A witch showed up. "Helda, will it only take you?"
"It should, boy." She looked at him. Then at the dead demons. "Huh. Nicely done." He grinned. "Why did you set Willow off?"
"Oh, you so missed it yesterday. She called me up here from Mia's village without shoes, socks, weapons, my ID. To handle something that only appeared a few minutes after I got here. Then the ones who want me for that little headache problem of mine showed up."
She winced. "I'm so sorry, boy. Were these ones coming for you?"
He shrugged. "They didn't try to attack me. I have no idea why they're here."
"They were trying to attack the mother," Steve said.
Xander nodded. "Means I don't have to beat her to death for dragging her six-year-old daughter here to fight." Helda stared at him. He pointed. "Belinda."
She went to check her, calming her down with a hug. "Your mother should not have done that, child. We'll make sure you're protected. Go hug Xander." She ran over to hug him and he cuddled her back. She went to banish the Furies. "Not that I don't think they need to talk to her mother," she said when Stark landed. He put up his face shield. "Thank you for the help."
"You're welcome. What are they?"
"Furies. They came for the baby's mother." She pointed at the mini slayer. Then she disappeared.
Xander looked at her. "Helda's third in command at the Devon Coven," he said quietly. "She's the one with fourteen grandkids." Belinda smiled. "She's the one who keeps nagging Willow to have sense and use it." She laughed. "I know, we all do." He carried her over, nodding at the officers. "Any other problems?" he quipped. "It usually comes in threes."
"There's a huge thing in the ocean but it's watching the people on the beach," one said.
Xander looked at him. "Human looking?"
"No. Not by a long shot," he admitted.
"Tentacles?" Belinda asked. "We know there's a kraken in the hellmouth but Miss Buffy said that Mr. Giles said they live in the ocean usually."
"They do," Xander agreed. "You deal with them by cutting off tentacles until you find the mouth then pouring in salt. Then you have to burn it to make sure the cut things don't make new ones."
She looked at him in awe. "Have you?"
"Mine was a tiny one. Only about two feet across." She hugged him. He patted her on the back, grinning as he cuddled her back. "Some day you'll do great things and we'll all be happy, Belinda. It's not now, but some year."
She smiled. "I hope so." She looked at the officer. "Is my mommy in trouble?"
"Yup, she is. Can you call your father? We can let him pick you up."
"I can call my daddy and my stepdaddy."
"Call both so we can talk to them," another officer said, taking her from Xander. "We'll take you to the twelfth precinct. They can come pick you up there. Are you okay, any bruises?"
"One on my wrist and I need to go potty soon please."
"We can handle that," he promised, looking at Xander. He showed him the number for the main house. "Ask for...."
"Giles or Andrew. He's the housemother and the other guys might complain if you pull them from the books." He glanced at the news crew then at him. "Let me disappear before we have more problems here. I'm not supposed to be here."
"Thank you for being here." He walked off with the girl, who was texting her parents.
Xander looked at Steve, showing him the same number. "If you ever need it."
"Got it," he agreed. "Let's get that ankle looked at."
Xander looked down then at him. "It's only sprained." He limped off. "Let me get back there so I can shower and change into the stuff I washed in the sink last night."
Steve walked him to the quin jet and inside, letting Clint take them back to the tower. He handed him to Darcy. "He sprained his ankle."
"I can take him to the infirmary." She walked him off, babbling at him to get him to calm down. Xander hugged her in the elevator so that was nice. He didn't even try to grope.
Steve looked at the others, writing down the number. "In case we ever need it." It got put into phones as the others went to change and get comfortable again.
***
"There's going to be some butthole nibbling tonight," Darcy quipped as she came back alone.
"Butt chewing would be a good idea," Stark agreed.
"No, butt chewing is for normal problems. She's going to have her asshole nibbled on for that. She's going to be crapping the toes that kicked her butt and the teeth that chewed on her for months."
"Good!" Stark agreed. "Is she under arrest?"
"Yup. Apparently Buffy interrupted Giles talking to one of the principals down there to have him yell at that mother." She settled in on the couch near Steve, grinning at him. "Agents came to get Xander back to Africa and he didn't fight about it so they're probably okay."
"That's good. I'm hoping he'll be safer down there."
"It's mostly more open areas so he can probably do that. I asked and that's what he said. That and he hates taking out humans but that woman...he almost made an exception."
"I nearly made an exception," Stark said. "Hell, Pepper's text said *she* nearly made an exception so she could beat her."
Darcy grinned at him. "She'd be fabulous while doing it too."
"Yes she would." He texted that back to her. "She said she even has a few cheaper pairs of shoes that she'll enjoy ruining for that purpose."
"All mine are thrift shop and I can easily ruin them if she shows up here," Darcy quipped.
"Let us help. We'd all like to hit her a few times," Jane said from her seat on Thor's knee. He took up the whole loveseat so it was a practical seat for her.
Darcy grinned. "I had no idea that's how you used a battle axe."
Thor nodded. "He's obviously trained for a long time without guidance, some of his swings were a bit awkwardly done, but he did good with it. He clearly adores that weapon as his favorite."
"Yeah, I asked. Giles wasn't allowed to teach him so he learned on his own," Darcy said.
"He does as good as many warriors. Even though the ones he helps lead are all younger, bouncy women. Sif was most amused of their stories," he told Jane, smiling at her. "She wanted to come see how well they were trained and if perhaps she could help them."
"Sif's a great warrior and a good friend to have," Jane agreed, leaning back against him. He smiled, holding her. "Darcy could probably ask him."
"Already sent a text message," Darcy quipped. "He said as long as she doesn't rag on the girls for being young women, he was sure they probably wouldn't mind too much. Buffy might but that's her feeling like someone better would push her out of her spot." She looked at Thor.
"I'll tell her that. Sif is gifted in diplomacy." He smiled at Jane, who grinned back. "My mother wanted a letter soon if you wanted to add to it."
"I can do that tonight." He nodded and they settled in to rest. They could ignore the other guys who all thought it was cutesy of them.
***
Weird Old Lines.