A Lewis and a Half.






Darcy looked around the mess from the latest assault on the tower, hands on her hips. "Jane, we gotta redo all this." Jane was fussing at her machines. "Jane, we have to redo all this," she said more loudly.

Jane looked up at her. "The machines...." Darcy held up a hand then pointed at the mess. "Oh, that. That's mostly your desk."

"And your data backup." Jane winced. "So...."

"Draw up plans? I'll talk to the boss?" Jane guessed.

"Yeah, I can do that." She cleaned up what had been on her desk having to remake folders to hold them since the idiots had ripped them apart. Thankfully raw data wasn't what they were after this time, they were after things on Thor. "Should've just went to a tabloid," Darcy muttered as she worked. Then she jotted down her notes for the upgrades they needed for safety reasons.

Three hours later, Darcy tapped on Tony's office door, making him look up from his reports on the damages done. "I know it's a bad time but we need to upgrade most labs to a better security standard and ours especially. I'm used to having Jane's backups in a better, safer area."

He grimaced, putting down his pen. "Just a safe for a backup drive?"

She snorted, shaking her head. "No, Stark." She came in. "You've always had security around to protect you and your geeks, mostly because you worked with the government sorts that like to steal stuff. They were waiting to steal it legitimately by watching over your shoulder." She put the papers down.

"This is how we're used to doing Jane's. She has a work safe. For the notebooks, the data, all that. It's opened first in the morning and closed when I leave the lab. Jane kept forgetting," she said dryly. "Ours even had a mail slot so she could slip late night notes into it before she forgot them.

"Though it did get stolen from once." She grinned. "We have a safe to hold the backup drive, and I would suggest a floor wide one for everyone's data backups since most labs don't." He winced. "Just a safe with a cubby for each lab's weekly data backups. Their last thing before they leave Friday afternoon. Each lab has their own code to get into it so you can track who gets in there.

"Ours in New Mexico used to have that so Erik could have his stuff and Jane could have hers." She flipped the pages. "Also, we need an area just for the machines to work. That way we don't have another fire?" she prompted at his opening mouth. "Maybe just a testing lab where those who're doing things can do that?"

"The company in Malibu has a lot of that but I didn't think about needing it out here. That's going to take some work."

"Just putting in a few safes? Possibly." She pulled up the page on her phone. "This is what I was thinking about for the daily work vault. It'd be practical but a bit small for Jane's copious napkins with writing. I've got to make sure she has a notepad with her all the time anymore." She blinked at him. "That would mean no more data left on my desk, or in a simple locked drawer, which got broken into this time."

He looked it over, nodding. "That's not a bad idea, Lewis. The other labs would probably hate it."

She nodded. "We can ask. Let me go get a few." She walked off, grabbing a few lab geeks and Bruce. "Having a meeting over some security stuff," she said at the complaining. She put them into the office. "Guys, they went after some of Jane's data hoping for stuff on Thor," she said. "Jane gave me an odd look for my suggestion they just go look in a tabloid.

"We've got to talk about daily work vaults, data backups, with a safe to store them in, and things like security protocols." Bruce and most of them nodded. One pouted. "No, not that much different for you. Can you store your daily data and stuff you work on daily in a safe if it was presented?" That one nodded, smiling. "I know yours would have to have room for chemicals and written stuff. Bruce?"

"Yeah, that'd work for me." He looked at the plans Tony held up. "That's not a bad idea. A work vault to store the daily things. A backup vault?"

"For the weekly data backups. That way no one loses any," she said then smiled at one, who moaned. "We can do one in each lab and one for the floor with individual codes so you can stick a harddrive in there."

"I'd rather have one in our lab," the moaning one said. "That way no one else can get into ours."

Tony nodded. "That's something to consider. I can see a data backup for a hard drive safe. It'd have to be fireproof to a high degree, the same as the daily work vault." He looked at Darcy. "She did?"

"Yeah, it was inside the stove since they never used it." She shrugged but grinned. "I upped it from a simple file box to a real safe under Jane's bed. Which SHIELD did not find when they came in to raid us."

"I'd love that idea," the chemist agreed, looking at Tony. "It'd give me a safe place to put things away from my minions, who shouldn't be able to get into my higher end research since they're working on lesser things."

"Please make it able to withstand plasma," Darcy added. "Because now and then that's been an issue with Jane making a portal."

The chemist nodded quickly. "We've all seen the lab explosions, boss."

"Okay, we can look into getting work vaults and a data backup safe." He looked at Lewis. "Are you better with that?"

"Yup. Not like I don't hide a backup of Jane's data already. Have since before she left to temporarily be a Thor."

Tony nodded. "That's a practical thing we need to go over. I can't see everyone using one."

"Only stupid scientists don't do some paranoid backing up," Bruce said. "We all know someone's out to get our stuff, Tony."

"True. I can see that, it's not a bad idea. Lewis also suggested a spot to do dedicated testing. So Jane isn't opening a portal that brings tentacles again." They all nodded quickly, mostly because that had been creepy. "Where would we do that?"

"Build a half-floor above the parking garage? That way if it collapses the building it only hurts cars?" Darcy suggested with a grin. "Because high energy portals tend to make the walls vibrate recently." Tony winced but nodded quickly. "I've forbidden any real testing until she can fix that problem by the way. Because at one point the wall vibrated so much it became invisible. Do apologize to Bert for us?" She grinned.

Bruce nodded. "I heard that. He was very freaked out."

"Which is what I told Jane so she's not doing it now."

Tony nodded more quickly. "We need to build a testing area, yup." He looked at the notes. "What's that other cabinet, Lewis?"

"Food center for lunches you bring in, coffee maker, toaster for Jane's poptarts, all that stuff. Not lab samples," she told the chemist. "Before you have to send another person to the infirmary for accidentally pouring her soup into an experiment."

"That was nasty. We need to keep samples out of our lab fridge." She pouted. "We could use a second mini-fridge, Stark."

"We do have a floor-wide one," he offered.

"Which has food thieves," Darcy said, staring at Bruce, who ducked his head. She looked at Tony again. "It could also use upped for those of us who don't bring lunch. Security gets growly when we order lunch or dinner because someone might've tampered with it. And they really hate Jane's garlic soup because the guy who insists on tasting it just in case hates garlic."

Tony grimaced. "That's sad." He leaned back. "Yeah, we can look at that in a month or so. Let's get safety things done first. Before we're invaded again. I'll get with someone to put in safes."

"With an EMP blocker please," the chemist said. "I had an ex that did that to my data once because I got an internship he wanted."

"With EMP protection or even from high energy applications since Jane's doing that sort of thing." He looked at Lewis. "You have good ideas."

"I'm an Order Bringer, Stark." She grinned. "I sort, collate, and make things have an order that I can use and very few others can. I've been reordering Jane's life since the second day of my internship with her."

Tony nodded. "I can see that." He smirked. "That's a good set of ideas. I'll get someone in hopefully by the end of the week." They nodded and went back to their labs. He looked at Darcy again. "Coffee center?"

"If it's nearby, she'll drink it, Stark. Or eat it. She missed dinner again last night and most of yesterday. I'm about to put her into the infirmary for a check."

"Go for it. If she's sick, Thor will have fits even though they're not dating anymore thanks to that curse."

"Yeah," she sighed. "Let me go nag my Jane." She went to do that with her notes. "Jane," she said, waking her up. "Jane, when did you eat last?"

"I don't know."

"Well, let's go eat and then you can nap in a real bed. Let me do the shut down stuff." She gathered everything together to lock up, jamming the drawer so no one could get into it. Then Jane got walked up to the kitchen to be fed and put to bed. That gave Darcy time to relax and plan what was needed for Jane's lab the next time things broke. "Definitely need to order more duct tape," she muttered, putting that on her list. "And glue."

***

Darcy looked over her options for Jane's health and the lab. She decided to be a bit mean and called up information her brother had sent her. She printed it, putting it in front of Jane's work station. Jane grunted but eventually looked at it, frowning. Darcy timed it. It took nearly an hour for the first confused grunt to happen. Almost a record.

"Darcy?" Jane asked.

"Xander sent that for you." She grinned at her.

Jane frowned at the information. "That's how the portal making demons do it. Right?"

"Yup."

"This thing about runes?"

"Think of it like a GPS address."

"Um...." She frowned, looking up what the runes meant usually. She could only find one and it was from an ancient tomb in Mesopotamia. And possibly one in Central America, the rune had been dissolved by rain so it was only partially readable; the researchers said they couldn't be certain. She took the notes to talk to Thor, dragging Bruce with her.

She handed Thor the papers before stepping back to a safe distance. The stupid curse would make him break out in a fight if she was too close. "From Xander. How portal making demons do that. Can you read those?"

Bruce took it to look at, frowning at them. "Why do they use these?"

"Darcy said it's like a GPS address." They both stared at Thor, who shrugged. "Can we talk to someone who would know?"

"I'll see if Heimdall is bored," he offered. "I think he just guards though. The Bifrost was created by others, ancient others. I have no idea who would know how it was done." He went to talk to Heimdall outside. Heimdall did not know either but he did find a book to give to them so Jane could possibly use it. Better that than another portal into the ether realms with those tentacle friends. Thor brought in the book. "From Heimdall's hand. He said the diary is from one who studied their ways. Nothing is known about them really."

Jane took it to look through. "It's in Norse isn't it?"

"Aye," Thor agreed with a nod. He looked at Bruce, who was mostly there to protect him and Jane from each other due to that curse the witch had put on him. "I have no idea if it can be studied. It can probably be translated as I don't sense anything clouding it."

"I'll have Darcy ask her brother to translate it?"

"He may enjoy doing that instead of battling. I've heard he's healing after another battle."

"I'll have her write him. Thank you, Thor."

"I wish you every luck rebuilding the bridge and perhaps finding lost information." She smiled, going back to talk to her lab assistant.

Bruce shook his head. "Jane's a happy girl."

"Heimdall wished her well as well, as long as he didn't have to see more tentacle friends."

Bruce walked off snickering and nodding. "I don't want to see them either. They might like the Other Guy."

Jane walked into the lab, waving the book. "It needs translated. Is your brother super busy?"

"Complaining about sprained knees and stitches again. Trying to avoid hearing anything from the slayer squad of bitches." She took the book to look at then took a picture to send to her little brother. Xander sent back a translation. She frowned. "He said that's on sexual sacrifices for power." She sent that Jane had a whole book, supposedly about the portal stuff, she needed translated. He said he'd be there tonight. "He'll show up tonight." She sent back a 'you can have my couch of course' and blew him a virtual kiss before putting her phone back into her bra strap. "Tonight, Janey."

"Thank you." She sat down to go over the journal, looking for diagrams she could interpret first. She found one that looked like hers for the portal that had gotten her the tentacle friends. "Huh. I was duplicating with that one portal."

"I'm sure they were just as amused with the flirty tentacles. Eat something?"

"Yeah, I can do that." She got a granola bar to nibble while skimming it.

Darcy shook her head. Jane's diet needed a lot of help. Darcy wasn't sure she was strong enough to handle that some days.

***

Xander took the journal to look at, frowning at the front page. "He wasn't doing the same thing you are, Jane. He was looking to open a permanent portal to another realm." He looked up. "It might still translate somewhat though?"

"It may," she agreed. "Can you translate it anyway? Thor said that no one up there has."

"Of course. It's not that hard. It's Watcher Latin with Norse leanings. I can probably get it at least eighty percent." She beamed and nodded, leaving him with his sister. Who handed a notebook. Xander looked at her. "I can already tell you he didn't manage it and his drawing skills are shitty. His figures I've spotted are sloppy in here."

"Jane said one's a lot like the tentacle one she created by accident."

"Probably why." He settled in to eat, talking to his sister, and translate. It was a nice, quiet, peaceful task. "Hmm, he's really cranked. He talked sixteen virginal teenage girls with magic into sacrificing their magic and virginity to power his portal. The portal backlashing apparently killed most of them."

He frowned. "Wow, this guy is Rosenburg light." He went back to translating it. He had a thought and called a poker buddy. "It's Xander. Do we have anything that might help Jane Foster and her portal problem? She's still trying to create one that doesn't go to the ethereal plane and some tentacle friends."

"Who flirted," Darcy said loudly enough to be heard. "One sulked because I said he couldn't touch my boobs."

"That's my sister," he said with a grin for her. "Yup, that was Dr. Foster, the one my sister works for. Yes, her. I know she was Thor. He's back now. He got her a journal from someone creating an alternate realm portal so I'm translating. Yup, that sounds like him." He wrote a note at the top of the notebook then circled it. "I'll be sure to let her know. Thanks, man. No, I'll do this while my knee heals. I might catch a few local games though. Thank you, Homer." He hung up. "He'll talk to a few friends who work in a library to see."

"She'd enjoy that."

He grinned. "There's portal makers within the DPP but I'm not sure if it's the same as her bridge."

"It could probably be warped somehow."

"I'll see if one will talk to her." She nodded. He went back to translating. "This guy, so very warped," he muttered as he wrote. "Damn. He picked girls he didn't like the race of. Charming!"

"Some people are assholes," she reminded him, patting him on the hand. "Need an ice pack?"

"I'm okay. I twisted it a few days ago. No more swelling." He grinned at her. She hugged him, getting up to make a snack. Xander looked like he hadn't eaten for a bit again.

***

A few days later, Xander called a meeting. Complete with a sorcerer, a Stark, and a genius. He walked in with three books, five notebooks, and a few printed pages. "Okay, first, Jane, that journal?" She smiled at him. "The guy was a racist asshole who sacrificed virgins to make his portal so he could go screw elves. Of the Tolkien, pointy eared variety." She winced.

"Like sacrificed sixteen of them." He slid the journal down with the notebook he had translated it into. He sat down, looking at Sorcerer Strange. "Second, the thing you fought last week?" He grinned, sliding down the printed pages. "It came from there, and that's where the portal is still sitting, still mostly open, only needs a sneeze to reopen. Happy birthday!" He beamed at him.

Strange looked that over. "Oh, them. I've fought something since them but they were...disturbing."

"And alien. The goo globes are alien." Strange groaned. "Thor's probably heard of them but they run on a very different cultural definition dictionary. Though they do agree that you can end them if they disturb your own cultural dictionary. Especially since they think no is a giggling girl playing hard to get. Try not to give them to Buffy? Since they called on the power of Rosenburg to open?"

Strange slumped, shaking his head. He looked at Stark and Jane again. "Third." He grinned, handing one of the books to Stark. "The DPP's contact and rule book. They're the dimensional demonic police. They work on a few realms, and only come to this one to hunt beings down. They're presently looking for three beings, all of which are now hostage to HYDRA."

He handed over the sheets he printed off with a grin. "Happy birthday to you too!" He grinned at Jane. "They make dimensional portals." She nodded. "This is how they do that." He slid a book down. "It is in magic." She nodded. "I can't translate that. I'm not allowed even if I could."

"I can fully understand that. Am I allowed to study it?"

"Yes, they think you can make it more efficient and maybe find a better power source than their crystals because they're ancient and the realm they got them from is now closed permanently thanks to an apocalypse. If you could, they'd sing your praises and nominate you for some prizes sort of stuff."

"I can look at that. Will it help with the bridge?"

"They said your bridge is theoretical because it's a crackhead idea." She frowned. "Because if you got it to work, they'd have to shut it down as a threat to the universe. Because even if you could set one single lane of traffic to a specific location, it'd probably lead them here to destroy humans for daring to come near their magnificence. We're like amusing kids to most of the universe apparently."

"I've heard that."

"And the ones who have the tech to travel here the old fashioned way would slap you, and everyone else on the planet, down if you get it to work. They compared it to a child finding a laser cannon."

She slumped. "So they'll stop me?"

"If they see you get it done or hear you got it done? Yup. Not the ones where we met Groot and his people. They're annoying though. They're still considering humanity amusing children but we're precocious and need a nanny. They've tried to suggest we get one more than once. His people," he said with a point at Strange. "Were supposed to be doing some of that because they didn't think we'd get science to work that well and they saw a few people doing magic."

"So they think we're all Rosenburg and we need a good coven," Stark said with a nod.

Xander grinned and nodded. "But if we do manage something spectacular, like a better star drive or things to get us out into real space, they'll pat us on the head and give us someone to watch over us and tutor us in how to deal with everyone else since they'd all consider us playing dress up."

"How long before we're not seen that way?" Jane asked.

"Way after we get that nanny sort. They'd have to announce us basically, like a debutante ball."

"Crap."

"But." He held up a hand with a grin. "If you get a portal to work that way they'll just groan. If you create something like the Stargate tv show? They'll groan louder." He gave her a pointed look. "And that is how the Bifrost was built, Jane. With two terminus endings to channel the powers."

"So instead of a suspension bridge, we need a Chunnel," Stark said, looking at Jane. Who nodded.

"Without the digging," Xander agreed. He made a figure on the back of a page with a pen. "Two ends that're the entrance/exit, and then build the bridge between. There's a way to do a multi-exit with extra supports but doing that would probably draw a lot of problems," he told Jane, who smiled and nodded, taking it to look at. "Now, the portals to start it? Have you noticed the Bifrost creates a sigil?" She nodded slowly. "That's the hard outline of the portal. The entrance or exit portal. The sigil comes out of the ground to meet the bridge. The bridge doesn't land and create it. It's not burned on from the end energy of the bridge. So it's like the two ends reach out to shake hands and you pass through during that hand shake."

"So the way I've been building, it's backwards," she realized. Xander nodded. "Oh. Oh!" She sat up straighter. "That's an interesting thing. Which is why the runes matter!" He grinned and nodded. "Thank you, Xander."

"Welcome. With one warning. This is high energy. Even dabbling in it has killed a few dozen people. Who were stronger than our sorcerous nanny there." He head nodded at Strange. "And it can cause problems within your body as well. It's like a nuke went off next to you, Jane. And it will infect the baby."

"The baby?" Stark demanded, looking at her.

"When the witch had her attacked after putting on the curse, the healer moved the baby into a static out-of-space-and-time bubble," Xander said. "Until it healed from the poisoning the attack gave it. So one day, if she survives that long, the baby will pop back." He stared at Jane. "This will end that. And you. And the city if you goof."

"I can keep that in mind," she agreed quietly, staring at him.

"This is big shit science like the nuclear testing stuff, Jane. This is...there's demon societies that will attack humanity if you get one done. Because this will scare the shit out of them."

"I can understand that. I can keep it theoretical, Xander."

"Good." He grinned. "I'd hate to destroy a whole realm for hurting my sister. I *willlll*," he drawled with a grin. "But I'll hate myself during her funeral."

"I can see that. I'll keep any testing a long way in the future. Maybe after Darcy decides to move on to her future."

Xander smirked at her. "I think you're her future, Darcy's Jane," he said dryly. "Otherwise she'd have finished college." Jane nodded that may be true. "The DPP person who helped get you that said that it's nice you got someone to look over your shoulder and to nag you about doing stupid things. If you didn't have Darcy they'd have already slipped someone in there to watch over you. Banner had one but they got to escape when his experiment went wonky thanks to Ross.

"Stark nearly had one but they couldn't find a way without doing something to Pepper and decided he'd notice her being possessed." He looked at Stark. "They'd still really like to put one here to watch over your shoulder so they could report to the DPP. Just in case. Before you think they're like SHIELD lite, they're not. They just want to prevent another mass invasion if you do something too scary."

He nodded. "I don't like that idea."

Xander grinned. "Thankfully they've got a few people inside SHIELD to make sure they don't destroy everyone."

"The invasion in LA?" Stark asked.

"No, that was a plot by some idiots who wanted power to take over the world. The DPP would be stopping the ones who'd come to destroy us and spank us for endangering everyone everywhere." He waved a hand at Jane. Then at the sorcerer. "They still think we're amusing, but us getting scary and all destroyee, or like war godish, would get us stomped on by others who'd hate their power being taken."

"I can understand that," Jane agreed. "We can work on that."

Xander smiled and nodded. "Please do. Again, would hate to destroy somewhere, but yeah. It'd happen a lot."

"How would you do that?" Stark asked.

Xander let out a dark chuckle, smirking at him. "The stuff I've found and stored, Stark? I could destroy two or three realms in amusing ways, and then sic Rosenburg on them." He grinned. "I have enough to make sure Darcy can continue to scare the universe into leaving us alone when I die. Or Dawn if we both go. Then again, I did confiscate a demon virus from some idiot who wanted to sell it to germ docs down here."

He grinned again. "So fucking stupid of them. And they all died, and the germ docs died when I blew up their fucking compound, because they're dangerous, and then the DPP showed up to nag until I told them why and bluntly handed it to my storage area in front of them. I have a warning in my file with the DPP stating I have things that will destroy people and I'm going to use it if they try to harm me, my family, and my closest friends or I might use them during an invasion attempt. Like I took something from a germ doc in Botswana once and threw through a portal of a group trying to invade. They won't try it again and that was just the super flu."

"Can I get notes on those?" Stark asked.

"Nope!" He grinned. "I don't want to see SHIELD, Stark. I don't want them to know. You've got them so far into your systems they can see everything you do. I protect people. They know I've confiscated some things like weapons. The inventory is not going to make anyone have happy dreams."

"What if we need them with something huge?" Stark asked.

"Do you think I won't have a miraculous poker debt show up?"

"Point. I've seen you do that." He stared at him. Xander just grinned. "Wow." He looked at Jane. "We can make sure you keep it theoretical."

"Please." She looked at Xander. "Will Darcy be hurt if I do that?"

"Nope. And her very minor magical gift might make it safer for her. And you maybe because I've got to teach that girl protections." Thor leaned in. "Hey, Thor, have you heard about the Portaga?"

"Rumors."

"One made it down here last month. Strange fought it."

Thor looked at him. "I'm sorry you had to deal with those ones. I heard rumors they're annoying."

"Quite." He looked at Xander. "Would Asgard be part of that?"

"No," Xander said, chuckling. "The one I talked to called Odin a humorless, backward hick with no idea what sort of weapons they had stored from the Old Ones in the library somewhere." Thor moaned. "Jane's research got noticed by them and the DPP, Thor."

"Oh, dear. Is...."

Xander held up a hand, smirking at him. "They're staring this way to make sure we don't make a nuke-like leap this time. If she manages it, they'll stomp on her to make sure we don't act like kids with a laser cannon."

"That's good." He walked off frowning.

Xander looked at Jane. "Those sorts have almost taken out Asgard itself six times since Odin got his throne." He grinned. "They were stopped by Frigga twice. The rest, the sorcerers academies stopped them by stomping on their own people before they could get stomped on."

She nodded. "I can see that going on."

He grinned at her, looking a bit insane. "There's a diary in the local library system from an ancient mage sort. Named Carson. Look up his journal in the Special Collections session." He pointed at Strange. "Which he'd have to give you a pass to that restricted section. Take it as the warning it is?"

"I can do that." He smiled and nodded. "Does that mage have a lot of works?"

"Three or four magic related books. His whole collection got stolen by the library right before he died. He let them to protect them for the future. He thought if he survived he'd get it back. His research was in artificial souls." She looked confused. He looked at Strange.

"For sacrificial rites without using anyone," he said. "Or like that one vampire." Xander nodded. "Or to give those who desire it more than one to allow them to gain more power."

"Yup," Xander agreed. "That was mildly scary and fairly annoying. They just really hated him and his other wacky ideas so they took him out for it."

She nodded. "Okay. I can look those up." She looked at the sorcerer.

"I can go with you," he agreed. "It's probably written somewhere in the library."

"Wong knows. He's the Holder. He's the Key guy."

"All right. We can ask Wong and cite this talk," Strange decided, looking at Jane. "This afternoon?"

"Please."

"All right. Any other good things to know, Harris?"

"Yup." He grinned at him and handed over a folded sheet of paper. "Not my vision."

He read it, frowning. "Well." He put it into his jacket pocket. "I'll deal with that later." Xander grinned and nodded. "Dawn's doing all right?"

"She's doing pretty good. Mortimer is getting a bit bigger but is still cuddly. He loves helping her work with the artifacts because he's found a few like him trapped in things. He still rides around in her hair but comes down to pet a few things. She's not sure why he's petting a world destroyer trapped in a doll in one case but Mortimer is cute that way."

Strange whined, shaking his head. "Dawn told the Barbie that if she didn't behave she'd have her melted down to make crayons she'd give to a daycare. The world destroying demon decided that would be horrifying so she's promised to behave as long as Dawn lets her watch soap operas again."

Stark squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head with a sigh. "Why is she stuffed in a Barbie doll?"

"Because the kid that accidentally summoned her by hating that she was being picked on for being a girly little girl wanted her doll to talk back to her because she was lonely. She was Mage Carson's granddaughter so he made sure the doll's safely not able to be broken."

Stark made a whining noise, shaking his head and rubbing his forehead. "My brain just cramped."

"Sorry but not the most weird out there." He grinned, writing something on his hand and getting a small box. "Here, for Hill." He grinned.

"Will it possess her?" Strange asked, staring at the small box.

"Only if it thinks she'd make a great hell hound goddess."

Strange took the box to sense and shuddered, carefully handing it back. "That should be in a safe."

"It needs a woman to contain it. I'm not a girl. Willow might want me to be so I have more sense as she puts it, but I'm not. And if she tries again I'm going to smite her fully this time." He smirked at him. "So it needs a strong willed female who can stubborn the box into being a good doggy goddess."

"Hill is that stubborn," Stark decided. "Hill!" he bellowed. The AI had her notified and she came in. Stark pointed. "That needs a strong willed female to keep it safe. Harris suggested you."

Xander grinned at her. "If you don't stay strong and stubborn enough you'll become the Goddess of Hell Hounds." She grimaced. "It's you or Dawn."

"May?" she suggested.

"Has to be a normal woman with normal woman emotions." He picked it up to hand to her. "I'm not letting Darcy do it. She might want to pet it too often and let it come out to help her."

"I... Do I have to keep it out of a safe?"

"Like a Weeping Angel, if it's in the dark it can move because no one's watching it. Then you'd have to go find where it's saving animals from shelters by eating all the people."

"I ...just light?" He nodded. "I can do that I guess." She took it back to her desk, putting it under her desk lamp for now. She sent Coulson a note about the meeting going on. And the box in case she lost control of it. The AI wouldn't give her a copy of the meeting's tape but she assumed that was Stark's doing to protect Jane's research. She just hoped there weren't more tentacles.

She glanced at that box again then went back to her paperwork. She avoided petting the barking puppy noises it was making. She was stronger than that box of trying-to-be-a-good dog

*** (sent to list's archive to here)

Darcy looked at the guy she was out on a first date with. It wasn't a fix up but it was an introduction thanks to a casual friend who had dated him once. "So, what do you do?" She could tell the guy had some magic. It was glowing around him in the dim bar. Also the guy was dressed like an eighties vampire.

"I'm a researcher. I'm studying energy manifestations."

She smiled. "I'm an intern for an astrophysicist. I type up a lot of her notes but I don't do actual science myself." She sipped her wine spritzer.

"That's an exciting field. They're always finding things in space these days."

"She does a lot of that, sometimes. She's working on a singular phenomenon to recreate it. So she's not usually in the astronomy lab upstate anymore."

"That's still an interesting area of study. I'm looking at the myths of the world crystal."

"I've heard someone say something about it." He looked confused. "I know one of the slayers. She mentioned it once." Only partially a lie. "Something about her sister or someone got asked by someone studying it to do a ritual magical rite to hype the power in it." She shrugged. "The sister was apparently grossed out and stomped off." She took another sip. "All she said was that it was like the lube to certain science things."

"Slightly. How did you meet a slayer?"

She grinned. "I met a watcher once and he introduced us during something." She shrugged one shoulder with a grin. "He seemed pretty decent."

"So you met Xander."

"I did, yes." She smiled. "He's pretty neat."

"How well do you know him?"

She grinned. "We haven't dated. A lot of people assumed we dated but he's not into me or my sort of woman."

"Oh. That is interesting. I've only seen notes on him."

"Xander's a pretty complex guy. A lot of people assume about him. I see him usually when he's in geeky, goofy mode." She finished her drink, putting the glass down. This one was fishing for something and she wasn't sure if it was her, her brother, or Jane related.

"Hmm." He sipped his lite beer. "He is an interesting person." He smiled at her. "So what do you do for fun?"

"Not a lot recently. My boss has that bad all hours of science problem sometimes and we're in an upswing right now since she had to spend a few months off work for her health."

"I've had those days." He grinned. "Would you like to go for a walk?"

She looked at her shoes then shook her head. "I'm not wearing shoes I can walk in for more than a few feet. Impressive shoes are never comfortable," she said with a grin back. "It's a flaw with women's designers."

"I've heard that, and the lack of pockets."

"That started to rob women of privacy so we couldn't hide things from our fathers or husbands." She shook her head. "They're still dumb and trying to make us be dolls to be played with. It's a shame so many men are that way."

"No, women are more than capable of their own decisions," he assured her. She smiled and nodded. "I never understood why men wanted women to be weak."

"It makes the weak men feel stronger." She grimaced at someone coming in. She knew him from somewhere but didn't remember where, just that it was a bad thing. She looked at her date, who was staring over there. "I swear I've met him but it put a bad taste in my mouth," she said quietly. "So probably another lab intern or something." She waved a hand slightly. "Science conferences that my boss go to are often full of canoe-carrying douche bros who think they're all important. Their interns are often junior members of that boating society." He snickered, shaking his head. "I take it you've met some?"

"Oh, yes, and one that was a yacht captain of that boating club."

"Oh, yes, met them too." She sighed, shaking her head. "And then I had to run into Reed Richards once in the lab and watched him complain." The guy shuddered. "Yeah. A lot." She smiled. "Cruise ship level captain there sometimes."

The man stopped beside their table. "Darcy, not out with your brother?"

"Nope. He's off doing something in Portland tonight." She smiled. "You're one of the patriot guy's minions, right?" He nodded. "Huh. Pleasure to see you again and not even taking me hostage this time."

He grinned. "He was most impressed and hoped to talk you onto his side so he could flirt with you. If your brother's in Portland he'll probably see the boss soon since he's out there to nag some of the idiot groups making noises to show their worthlessness."

"One of them stepped up to my baby bro." She smirked a tiny bit. "He told him exactly what it was like to save the world and to be a real man. The guy tried to attack him so he got to bruise his knuckles too. Baby bro called it stress relieving more than a hooker." The guy nodded, walking off laughing. She grinned at her date. "So weird to run into them here," she mouthed.

"It probably is. They took you hostage?"

"Yeah. They wanted to talk to someone I work nearby. Getting me would get my boss to talk to that one."

"Ah! I've seen that happen a few times." He finished his beer. "Want walked back to the tower?"

"Please. That might be a good idea." She looked at that guy then at her date. She put on her jacket and put down for her drink and the tip. He did the same and put on his jacket as he walked her out. She glanced back but the guy was looking in the other direction. She sighed once they got outside. "Four blocks to the tower so you get to have a small walk." She smiled.

"Small walks are great too." He took her arm to walk with her, talking about what she was studying. Which wasn't much but she was working on an online literature class for credit.

Darcy walked into the lab area, finding Stark staring at the doorway. "What sort of problem was he?" she asked. "He admitted to knowing about Xander. And then one of the guys from the poetry thing's hostage stuff showed up."

"The minion is still working for the patriotic guy. He texted Xander to tell him he had run into you and some weird guy that gave him the creeps."

"The guy wasn't creepy, per se, but a bit mildly out there. He said he's studying the world crystal. Which the only thing I've heard about was Dawn saying someone wanted to sacrifice her for it."

He slowly shook his head. "I have no idea about anything like that. That would be magic, not science, Lewis."

"Huh. Well, he didn't ask for a second date so probably a good idea."

"And your tracker worked."

"That's great news," she agreed, smiling at him. "Thank you for finding me one, Stark." She went back to her suite to get comfy for the night. Jane would be back with science in the morning.

Stark shook his head. "What's the world crystal?"

His AI cleared his throat. "It's a crystal that holds energy to help lubricate the core of the planet and many see as a source of some magical power," he said.

"So magical bullshit, I was right."

"It's rumored to be connected to a crystal outcropping in Finland. It's considered a mystical site for ritual work but only for certain healing spells."

He frowned at the ceiling. "Seriously?"

"There's been none so far this year but last year there were two groups doing rituals there to help aid a drought stricken area heal."

"Huh. Okay. That's weird." He turned back around, going back to his current suit's plans. "Why would that help?"

"It's the lubricant between the core and the outer core. That way the core's spinning doesn't slow down with the friction."

He squeezed his eyes shut and nodded once. "It's coffee time." He got up to make some before his mind got stuck again.

***

Darcy called her brother, getting his voicemail. "It's me. I'm getting a few weird looks from demons who think me liking to sort and stuff makes me part of a prophecy? Can you ask since when I did, I got a lot more odd looks. Thanks." She hung up, looking at Jane. Who shook her head. "I'm wondering what my bro is doing today."

"Most siblings don't seem to do that bro and sis thing so often. Why do you two?"

"Because we had to keep telling everyone that," Darcy said dryly, grimacing. "That way others heard it before we had to keep telling people that I'm not his girlfriend. It just stuck after that. It's cutesy but we like it."

"That makes sense. I remember you getting frustrated at all that wondering how you were in his bed."

"Still, Jane. Still. There was an email today from someone at SHIELD who wanted to know if I could talk to my boyfriend Xander about a situation he had stopped so they could get a real report of what happened," she said in her most dry, sarcastic voice. "Speaking of." She printed it and walked it off to the residential floor. She ran into Clint, holding up the paper for him to read.

He frowned, squinting some. "What the hell?" he muttered.

"Yup." She nodded with a grin. "Is he dumb?"

"Apparently she is. That's...Nat?" he called. She came out of the bathroom wiping her hands off on a paper towel. Darcy held up the paper for her to read.

"That agent is incredibly stupid. Him and his sister." She looked at Darcy. "Forward that to me please? I'll let someone there know they're dumb."

"Sure. I can do that." She smiled. "Any idea why the demon community is giving me looks and I'm hearing hints of me liking to sort things being part of a prophecy?"

"Not yet," Natasha said. "Wear your locating device?"

"If I wear it in the building, it sets off the alarms."

"I hadn't thought of that." She and Clint shared a look. "Put it on anytime you're off the lab floor?"

"I can't even wear it in my apartment. Security shows up each time I put it on anywhere in the building."

"I'll have Stark talk about that." She walked off frowning. Darcy got Jane a snack and went back to the labs. Natasha walked into Stark's lab. "We should fix Darcy's locator so she can wear it all the time."

"Someone hacked into it to set the alarm off anytime she touches it instead of when she sets it off," he said. "I've got it to fix but I have no idea what they've done yet. Is it important?"

"She said there's a prophecy about her liking to sort things."

"I'll work on that today," he agreed. "Any other good news?"

"SHIELD had an agent who asked her to talk to her lover, Xander, about a situation so he could have a report."

"It's in their files that they're siblings," he said. She nodded. He groaned and huffed, shaking his head. "Yeah. Let me work on her locating device or make a new temporary one." He turned to get back to that work instead of his current shield device. She'd probably need it before he needed a better shield against energy weapons.

***

A few days later, Darcy was pacing while on her phone. "Dawn!" She sighed in pleasure. "It's Darcy. I can't reach Xander. I left him a message two days ago and he hasn't answered. There's been no battles. And none of the local demon community I can find will even look at me. What's going on?" She listened to her wonder while working on something. "Does it have something to do with a prophecy about me liking to sort stuff? I can't find anything about that either."

She listened again. "Yeah, and I'm getting very freaked out and like I should go find his vaults." She took a deep breath as ordered. "Can you find him somehow?" Dawn was getting her health check for Xander, and she heard it was reading as sleeping. "That's still weird, Dawn. How often does he sleep?" She nodded. "I know but something's wrong. I can feel something's wrong. Can you scry him or something maybe?" She blew out a breath. "Of course he's blocked from it. Is that on purpose or was it the redheaded menace?"

She nodded once. "I can do that. Thank you and let me know? Thanks, Dawn, and be safe." She hung up, turning to look at the staring security guard. "My brother's missing and something's going on. I just don't know what. I'm going to go nuts until I find out." She stomped off to Stark's lab. "Do we have that locating thing done? There's something wrong with Xander and no one can find him."

He stared at her then got something from a drawer. "It's Pepper's backup locator." Darcy took it to put on with a sigh of pleasure. "Is he okay? Do you need to go find a bank?"

"I don't know. Dawn didn't know." He winced. "And now no one will look me in the face. So something's going on somewhere!"

"We'll be on alert. I'll tell Captain Spankly Ass."

"Thanks, Tony. If I find out, I'll let you know. Let me go warn Jane." She went back to the lab to rant at Jane until Jane came up with an idea for her.

Tony put out a team-wide text message. This could be really bad. If someone had taken out Xander Harris, they could probably be a threat to the world.

***

Darcy woke up, which was a bit weird. She was clearly on top of a table of some sort, she could feel the wood under her hands. She blinked at the robed man in front of her. "Did I sleep teleport?" she asked Wong, who nodded. "Why?"

"I'm not sure, Miss Lewis."

"Be less formal, Wong. I'm Darcy, simply Darcy." She sat up, pushing her hair back. She looked at her wrist. "I was wearing a bracelet that has a tracking charm. Tony gave it to me to wear." She patted herself down, finding her phone in her bra. "Great. Um..." He handed over the house phone. "Thanks, Wong."

She sat up to call home. "Jane. Oh, Thor! Somehow I'm with Wong, who works with the Sorcerer Supreme. I think I may have sleep teleported but my tracker is missing. Please. I have no idea. Thanks." She hung up, staring at him. "There's been something truly weird recently."

"Is Dawn involved? Usually we'd have seen her by now," he quipped, then smiled.

"No, my brother Xander is. There's some sort of thing keeping me from finding him. Or Dawn finding him. There's also some sort of weird prophecy about me being some sort of orderly being, when I'm not."

He frowned. "That's interesting." He led her to the library to look at the books. "Have any other weird things happened around you?"

"There was one attempted fix-up with a guy who said he's studying the myths of the world crystal. He had to walk me back to the tower because the patriotic guy who took me hostage once's minion showed up at the same bar but I haven't heard from him since then. But he did know about Xander. I didn't admit we're related."

He frowned. "That is interesting." He looked at a few more books. Then he sighed.

Darcy looked up. "I wish I had a book on the prophecy that's weirding me out and endangering my brother both," she said quietly. One floated over and landed in front of her, opening to a page. "That's not a language I speak."

He looked at it. "It basically translates as 'quit wishing in the demesne, it's dangerous'." He looked at her. "It can be. Something in a closet may react."

"Sorry. It worked for Dawn."

"Dawn is quite unusual." She nodded. He got back to looking. Darcy looked through that one book, just in case and came to one, holding it up. He took it to read through, frowning. "This should've been in the eighteen hundreds. But...huh." He reread it, then cast a checking spell. "Not this one exactly. But that does give me a place to look." He found it and brought that book back. Another one was floating after him. Darcy caught it to pet, making it change colors and float back to the shelf again. "It's probably shy," Wong said with a grin. He found what he wanted, letting her see it.

"Oh, so this is great," she decided. "They want us to create a baby to anchor both poles of order and chaos together." She grimaced, staring at the book. Then at him. Wong shrugged. "I know. You're just smart enough to find it. Can I copy this?" He handed over a pen and paper. "Thanks, dude."

"Welcome, Miss Darcy. It is our duty to help with things."

"Dude, if they magic me to be pregnant by my brother, you can hold me back so he gets a few hits in before I destroy them."

"I can do that. Dawn would probably help."

She grinned at him. "Hopefully." She copied it and tucked it into her pocket. "Let me get back to the tower. Thank you and I'm sorry for popping in this way."

"I'm sure it happens." He let her out and reset the alarm system, going to watch some tv. Since he was alone tonight to guard the sanctum, he could probably relax a lot. The doctor would be back later from his medical discussion.

***

Darcy walked into the tower and waved at the guards, who stared at her. "No idea, people." She went upstairs, going to the lab. "Tony, I have no idea where it is."

"It's in Indiana," he said, looking at her. "How did you get back here?"

"I woke up in the Sanctum."

He winced. "Why?"

"No clue!" She smiled and handed over the prophecy. "Wong found it for me."

He read it, sighing at the end. "That date guy?"

"Coincidence but I don't think so. Might be sideways involved. I didn't get creepy feelings from him."

"Okay, well, we'll look at it, Darcy. Go calm down?"

"Yeah. I called Thor to let him know I was safe. Sorry about that."

"No. We need to find out who had you."

"If you find out, let me know?"

"Yeah, hopefully by tomorrow."

"Don't let Hill help? She still hates me for some reason."

"I'm not." She nodded, going up to talk to Thor and Jane. Who were trying to have a conversation from across the width of the reading room. Tony got into his system to write the spysassins. They might have a clue and wouldn't have to deal with Hill's hatred of Darcy for whatever reason she had.

***

Dawn called someone, getting someone she didn't really want. "Agent Miller, is someone who can deal with an emergency there?" she asked.

The guy on the other end of the computer shrugged. "Who did you hope to get, Miss Summers?"

"I was hoping for the guy I talked to before coming to Spain."

"He's out of the office."

"Is someone with sense there who can handle a potential emergency available?"

"I can check to see. Please hold." He put her on hold and went to find someone. "Dawn Summers is calling, she asked for someone who could probably handle an emergency but she doesn't look too worried."

Agent May huffed. "Why?"

"She didn't share with me."

She went to talk to her. "What's wrong, Summers?"

"We think Xander may have been kidnaped."

May winced. "Why?"

"With any type of bad guy? They probably want to sacrifice him. The worrying thing is that they got Darcy, his sister, from Stark Tower. She ended up somehow with the Sorcerer Supreme after being taken from the tower. They think by magic, which means they're going to probably sacrifice them both."

"Why is that an emergency?"

Dawn stared at her for a moment. "You do realize that anyone who gets Xander not only has a source that can start a new hellmouth, one we can't ever close, but could also use that same power to change humanity, create an apocalypse battle, or even just use the diseases in his blood to ruin humanity?"

"I have no idea about any of that. I'll tell others that it's a concern. Do you have any idea where he is?"

"Darcy's tracker ended up in Indiana in an empty field. No one's sure how she got back to New York from there. Or how she got there. That definitely speaks of magical doings."

"Do you know of any magic users who can do that?"

"Not my field. I work with artifacts. That would be a Rosenburgy thing to do. Or the Coven and they don't speak to me because I called them on their bullshit with Willow and aiding her addiction."

"Are your people responding?"

"Giles is off in England working on a peace treaty with a group of Fae who just suddenly appeared. I don't want to trust the redheaded tornado for this. She's not exactly stable and since it involves Xander, she'll probably complain and make it worse." She sipped her coffee. "This is the same witch that even after being told Darcy's Xander's big sister she still calls her a girlfriend. Besides she might try to fight it and make things worse by destroying the earth."

May nodded. "That could happen. I'll let people know, see if we can track him. Thank you for letting us know." She hung up and went to tell the science team. "We may have a problem thanks to the Council people misplacing one of their people. Summers wasn't certain."

"How bad?" Jenna Simmons asked, looking at her.

"They've misplaced Harris and Lewis was potentially taken from the tower by magic."

She nodded. "We can see if we can spot him on satellite."

"Harris has a blood problem?"

"It is locked out of every system that we have ever touched," Simmons said firmly, staring at her. "Because people have wanted to take it from him to use against people." May winced. "They wouldn't be stealing him from the US for that hopefully but there's agencies who're full of idiots. SHIELD is only half full of idiots."

"I've seen that. All right, if you can scan and somehow find him let me know so I can pass it on." She walked off thinking about that. Harris' file hadn't said a thing about his blood. She tried to add that note and it ate the whole computer system. Permanently destroyed it. Now she realized what Rosenburged meant. She had to call Coulson to admit what had happened. He knew about Harris' curse on the system to protect himself but not what had prompted it. Him being missing made Coulson huff and complain about that being a huge problem. Him hearing that Lewis had been taken made him come back immediately. So she had thought it was nicer than it apparently could be. Hopefully this was just a drill.

"What happened to the computer?" Daisy called.

"I tried to fix someone's file," May called back. "Coulson is on his way back to fix it."

***

Darcy had that tingle that meant Xander was nearby, frowning as she looked around the mall she was in. No little brother. Someone who looked like one of Xander's dates but no Xander. So probably not a great thing. She walked over to him, staring at him the whole way. "Do I know you through my little brother Xander?" she asked quietly.

He nodded slowly. "I know of your brother. You must be Darcy?" His voice had a rough accent, sounding Central European.

"I am. Do you have any idea where Xander may be? He's been missing now for about a week. I feel like he's nearby but he's clearly not."

He frowned. "That could be bad. Any of us who had found him would've noted it. Probably to you as well so you didn't worry and send your boss's boyfriend after us." He called someone. "I just ran into *Darcy*. She said Xander's been missing for a week?" He listened, frowning. "Huh. That's weird. Thank you." He hung up. "It wasn't Rosenburg. There's a coven in Denmark that may have him but no one's totally sure."

"Thanks, dude. Not even Dawn could find him. I hope we can get to him in time."

"Me too. Xander tends to wake up hard when people try to do weird magical things to him. Last time he nearly ate someone." He grimaced. "Well, have fun."

Darcy smiled. "Thank you for the help and you have a good day too." He nodded, walking off. She turned, finding someone standing in the walkway between two stores that led to a back storage area. She knew about him, and what he did, strolling that way. He stared to move. She quirked an eyebrow up so he quit. "Mr. Castle I presume," she said quietly. He nodded. "Problems? I doubt you're involved with my brother being missing."

"Someone wanted you picked up. I'm doing a favor for Hill."

"Huh. Yeah, someone kidnaped my brother and is about to get my taser up their asses." He smirked at her. "I need to finish getting the stuff Jane ordered then I'm heading back to the tower. I'm going to call Dawn while I'm doing that. My brother's former boyfriend said he thinks they're in Denmark." She walked off sighing, calling Dawn.

"It's me. I ran into someone that I saw the picture of in his wallet. He talked to someone who said something about a coven in Denmark." Dawn looked that up. "Huh. So not them, could be them? I need to go ask someone for a bigger weapon?" She smiled. "Yeah, I can do that. Thanks, Dawn." She hung up and turned, spotting Frank. "Change of plans." She ran in to get the rest of that order, looking up the shop Dawn had told her to go to.

Frank got into the cab with her, just in case. "We have to hit the Emporium on 88th," she told the driver, who gave her an odd look. "I'm picking up for the lab people." He nodded, driving them off. She looked at him. "Did you get to meet Dawn or her sister Buffy?"

"I heard about that meeting," he admitted. "Wasn't invited."

"Come next time anyway. If only to keep me from smacking the hell out of Buffy for insisting I'm my little brother's girlfriend instead of his sister." He laughed quietly. "Yeah, it's been that way." They got out at the store, Darcy walking up and laying a hand on the doorway. "Dawn Summers sent me," she muttered. It opened when she tried it, going inside with a smile. "Hi!" They stared at her. "Dawn Summers sent me."

"She's talking to the boss in the office. Who're you, dear?" the cashier asked.

"Darcy Lewis. Big sister to Xander Harris." They all stared. She smiled. "And if anyone knows where he is I'd love to hear. Really." They just nodded. She sighed. "This isn't one of Xander's drop sites, right?" They nodded. "Can I see in case I need something? I can't use his battle axe, it's too heavy for me and I usually only carry a tazer."

"Sure," they agreed, letting her into that drop site's storage closet. Xander had a whole lot of stuff in there. Including a lot of books. All nicely shrank into two bags and a bucket. She looked in the packs, then found something to hold up. She smiled and put that into her bra, finding a few others. Then one sword she pulled out to put on her back. She came out with a book of visions, his other copy. Yup, she found it in there. She let Frank see it, grimacing at it.

"That would probably suck."

"Yeah. A lot." She closed the closet again. "Thanks!" She smiled at the guy that came out of the office. "Why did Dawn send me here?"

"Mostly to get into Xander's closet. Did you get the weapons?"

"Short sword, a few pretty things that're tiny. One bracelet that's clearly got something stored since it's supernaturally warm. Was I supposed to grab something specific?"

"Two things. That journal was one." He got into the closet, coming out with something he handed over from the bucket. "It won't shrink more than that unfortunately."

"I can find a way to lightbend around it." She hugged him. "Thank you. Do I owe you for his storage costs?"

"No, dear. He prepaid." She nodded and left with Castle following her, especially since he took that heavier weapon to hold. "Wow," he muttered. "Xander's sister is bouncy. I thought he was." He went back to the office to make that note. That way Xander wouldn't wonder when he came to check on things again.

Darcy took the bigger weapon back once they got to the tower, kissing Frank on the cheek. "Thank you." He handed over the other boxes. "Have a nice day." She paid the driver and skipped off to handle things. "Thor," she called, getting his attention through the AI. "Got your stuff and need some help." He came down to the lab to help her. He stared at the journal so she opened it to the right one while she gave Jane her things, gave Thor the jeans he had ordered, and put the heavier weapon on the table. "I need to camouflage it."

Thor stared at it. "I know slightly of what it is."

She pinched him on the cheek. "Dawn had me get it from Xander's storage area with that journal." He hummed, going back to reading that vision. "That matches with the prophecy Wong found for me."

Thor winced. "That may be bad and would definitely throw off the world's order."

"Thor, I'm pretty sure them knocking me up by my brother would be worse," she said bluntly, staring at him.

"He may not be the chosen one if they know of that. Though I don't know who else could be used."

"Stark's searches came up with two. Both in hiding by some agency somewhere. They're chaosing people for them," Jane said. She looked at the weapon. "No clue what that does or if it works."

Darcy looked and turned it on then off again. "Seems to." Jane shivered. "Hey, I can turn into a Harris." She smiled. "Easily." She looked at Thor. "Is there something that can conceal it so I can have it in my purse?"

"Not that I'm aware of." He considered it. "I can ask Stark." He went to do that. Stark had the lab's cameras up on his tv so he could pay attention. He let him see the vision journal. "Someone partook of too much sexual congress with their head."

"And got it in the ear instead of the mouth," Stark muttered as he read. "That does match. What is that weapon?" Thor shook his head. "Super dangerous?"

"Not if you know how to aim. Lady Darcy does know how to aim at least a bit."

Stark moaned. "Let's see what we can do. Why Indiana?"

"What we found showed an intermediary step, where they could take off anything tracking her, but they could not remove her from there for some reason. I suspect next time they'll have to bring her directly." Stark nodded, following Thor back to the lab.

Darcy smiled at him, taking the book to put into her bag. "I've got a sword now too."

"Good," Stark agreed. "It seems to be handy for magical thugs." He looked at the weapon. "It might not camouflage, Lewis." She tucked it into her bag and he got something to shield the bag. That would help. They could rest while they waited.

***

Darcy woke up, feeling her bag still underneath her. It felt less lumpy but she still had the sword that was shrunk and on her bracelet now. She could feel it. She sat up, looking around. She checked herself, still dressed. She stood up, putting on the bag to check through it. The journal was missing. One of the shrunken weapons. Not the main one, it had just been moved.

"Good, you're awake," someone said, opening the door. "Now we can get on with this rite."

"What makes you think I want to help you?" she demanded.

"The world will die."

"No it won't!"

"It will. It's heavily out of balance. We have to do this rite once a century and we're a bit late, by about a decade. We couldn't get the orderly one right when we tried." He smiled at her. "But now here you are."

"I'm not orderly."

"You bring order to chaos."

"Only someone's notes. I don't clean, I don't fix messes, nothing like it." He huffed. "Sorry but no. And I'm definitely not letting you sacrifice me."

"You read that prophecy. I know you did."

"Yep and you're not getting me to fuck anyone either."

"If you're a virgin, that will save us a few steps." He smiled.

"Not hardly but not into it. I'm not into public performances." She shrugged. "Sorry but I don't consent."

"While that will make it harder on you, that won't matter much." He cast a compulsion to bring her out to the main room. "She's mouthy and hates the idea," he told the others, cracking them up. "But she's not a virgin."

"That'll make the accelerated pregnancy easier on her."

Darcy broke free, shaking her head. "Dude, that's my little brother," she said with a point at Xander's body. "No way in hell." They groaned. "And frankly, up yours. If you want a kid, make one within your coven of idiots." They tried to grab her so she blew up the second altar, staring at them while leaning on the weapon. She grinned a bit. "Bro did teach me a few things."

"Very few people have access to those sort of weapons."

"Well, yeah, but he got it for a demon apocalypse." She shrugged and pulled out the next one. They decided to flee for their lives. She huffed, going up to unlock Xander. He woke up growling. "Hey!" He blinked at her. "Hi!" She smiled and waved. "These weirdos wanted us to fuck and have a kid together."

"No way in hell," he said, sitting up and yawning. "How long did they keep me under for?"

"At least a week." She stared at him. "Did they take blood?"

"You can't do that when I'm knocked out, Darce." He hugged her. "You smell nice."

"Thanks." She grinned, handing him the sword. He laughed, getting up. She pointed at the doorway then used the weapon on it. The wall crumbled. "That'll work. Save some of those for later. If you use them all too soon we'll have to fight our way out."

"Okay." She followed him. She did stop to pick up that journal and the other missing weapon that was next to it. It looked like a lipstick case but when it was opened it was a laser weapon. Just her speed really. Xander got them outside and called someone since it was a bit nippy up there. It was spring in Denmark, so yeah, a bit chilly to hike to the nearest city. Their ride showed up. Darcy looked at him. "You called SHIELD?"

"Yeah. The one agent lady I had the FoD thing with. That way they could clean up this mess. This is a semi-important temple." He grimaced. "This is a temple to the Earth Goddess who sees over the world crystal," he announced as the agents got closer. "We can't fully destroy it. Pity."

Bobbi Morse stopped in front of him. "They had to pick me up because I'm not an agent anymore. What happened?"

Darcy opened the journal to show her. "They thought I was orderly," she said dryly. "The guy that tried to get me onto the altar said they had failed about ten years ago so they were behind and trying again. He thought I brought order because I can help Doctor Foster's messy lab make sense."

"Did you call Thor?" she asked.

"No. Not the call I want to make. Right now I just want to call the tequila fairy." Xander hugged her. "Thanks."

"Welcome." He looked at her. "They didn't touch my blood," he said quietly. "It's sealed when I'm unconscious. Since I just had a long nap...."

She nodded. "Are you sure we can't destroy it?"

"Yeah, it's kind of important." She grimaced but told the agents that, getting the siblings into the quinn jet. Agent May was waiting to debrief them. Xander stared at her. "They thought they wanted us to have a baby between us to power the world crystal."

"What is this crystal?"

"It's the magical lube for science," Darcy said. "I started to look into it when we found the prophecy saying that an order bringer and a vessel of chaos needed to have one."

Agent May considered that. "Any chance they have other wacky ideas?"

"It's important that the crystal work, but it's not usually needed to sacrifice a kid to it," Xander said, sitting down. "Again, barely read up on it when someone started to do a lot of talking about it. I'm guessing that cult is probably pretty old, and they come together about every century to make the kid and then go back to normal magical lives." He looked at Darcy. "How did you get into that storage closet?"

"Well, first I called Dawn when you were missing." He nodded that was reasonable. "Then I went missing myself for a day but ended up somehow in the Sanctum and talked to Wong, who found the prophecy in the books." She looked at May. "Big difference in the book version was there was supposed to be three chaos vessels and natural selection would pick the father. It was supposed to be within their bloodlines though." She looked at Xander. "Then I felt a tingle of you being nearby, ran into one of your ex's at the mall, and he called around. Someone he talked to mentioned a coven in Denmark." Xander nodded. "I told Dawn, who told me to go there to get into your stored backpack." She looked at May.

"Dawn Summers alerted us that his being missing may be a very bad thing. Something about blood and energy corruption?"

"I do carry a shit ton of hellmouth energy," Xander agreed. "Always have. If they have the right knowledge and spells they could suck a lot out of me to start a new one or to fund a magical creation that would cause problems. But like my blood, if I'm unconscious or asleep my protections keep them from taking any of it." May relaxed and nodded once. "Have to talk to Dawn about who to call when. SHIELD really doesn't deal with magical assholes."

Darcy yawned. "Not usually." Xander yawned. "That's gotta be spelly," she said through another one. "We both just woke up." May called the agents, who weren't responding. Bobbi went to handle it and they tried to sleep spell her too. Darcy got something out of the bag and went to the doorway of the jet, firing it on the idiot coven members, making them scream as they died. "Quit making me spill blood, people. There's not enough tequila in the world right now. The more I have to take out the longer I'll be drunk!" They ran again. Bobbi came back grinning at her. She handed the weapon to Xander, who cuddled it. "That one is nearly as nice as the bigger one I picked up."

"Aww. That's to go against an alien spaceship though." She shrugged, letting him have the bag to look at what she had stored. "Oh, hey, the pulsar cannon." She petted the laser cannon that looked like a lipstick. He kissed her on the cheek. "I'm glad you're my sister, or else I'd have to learn how to date nice chicks." She giggled, swatting him on the arm but they relaxed again. The agents got found and brought back by another team. "Hey, it's your buddies."

"I didn't call," she yelled.

"We know. Stark's mad that you didn't, Darcy," Barton called back. "Wait in there. Natasha's finding the rest of those cultists."

"They have a duty to the crystal but they screwed it all up," Xander yelled. Clint came to the doorway. "The crystal supposedly should be self supporting and the sacrifice of the made kid should come from their own lines. The crystal itself is important."

"Okay, so she can't take them all out." He grimaced. "We'll talk about it later, when they're in custody." He walked off again. "Cute weapon, Darcy."

"Thanks. I learned from the best, my baby brother." She punched him on the arm. "I need a way to check on you without annoying Dawn. She couldn't scry this time and the health check just read asleep."

He nodded at that. "I'll figure out something."

"Please." She smiled. "I'm worried about you."

"I worry about me too." She hugged him. He kissed her on the temple. "Rest. You're going goofy without caffeine and sleep." She laughed but did rest against his shoulder.

"How does this world crystal work?" Melinda May asked.

Xander shrugged a bit. "Not my field of expertise. All I know is that it's what keeps the core spinning because it lubes it. Otherwise it would've slowed down ages ago and we would've lost gravity." She grimaced. "It's also a physical repository of magic for those like the Sorcerer Supreme and his type of sorcerers to use. Actually, any sacrifice to add to the crystal has to be done by him or by those with sirenic gifts. Every now and then a fracture happens due to a huge power spike or drain or something and they have to dedicate a whole magical virgin to it somehow but the last one of those was the eighteen hundreds."

Melinda grimaced as she considered that. "That's a fairly specific area of study probably?"

"I went on a single date, a fix up, with a guy who said he was studying it and knew about Xander, but not that I'm his sister," Darcy said. "I did not share that part. He didn't seem creepy, I didn't see him in there, but he said he was studying the myths of it for his degree."

"When and where?"

"The sports bar about six blocks west of the tower, just about a month now. On a Tuesday night."

"That narrows it down," Melinda said, making a note to look that up. "Anything else stick out to you?"

"We had to basically evacuate the bar because one of Patriot Guy's minions showed up there, which was how we noted about Xander. He stared a bit but didn't really do anything around me. The guy walked me back to the tower because that was getting a bit freaky with him there."

"Okay," May agreed, making that note. "What patriot guy?"

"The one that tried to take her hostage at a poetry thing," Xander said. "Brad's people."

"Brad...."

Xander shrugged. "Never asked him. He wanted to get Steve Rogers on his side as a true patriot to turn the US back into the power we supposedly were when Eisenhower was a general."

She nodded once. "I can probably find his group from that."

"He sends a lot of emails. Steve had to ask me why he was writing him," Darcy said. "So I told him about what the guy had said. He was going to take me hostage to talk to my boss, who he didn't know anything about, to get to Steve. But he wasn't going to harm me."

"No, he's never hurt a hostage. He's real against that, said it's counterproductive, which it is," Xander agreed.

May nodded, making that note as well. "Does that sort of thing always happen?"

"Sometimes," the siblings said together.

Natasha came to the door of the jet. "Did you get them?" May asked.

"Two of the ones trying to come back to get Darcy again," she said. "The rest are back into normal human guise so we'll have to track them later." May showed her the notes so Natasha updated them. "That minion still works for him and he's highly protective of Darcy's independence because he knows that Xander will take him out if he isn't. So he probably showed up there to make sure Darcy didn't need saved from her date. That dweeb is probably not involved. He's the sort that thinks magic is all stage shows." May nodded. "But he may be a good resource." She looked at them. "Where did you get that laser weapon?"

Xander grinned. "I blew the guy who made it up. He was making bio weapons." Natasha smiled at him for that. "And then I screwed his sister to get all his plans. I made that version first." Natasha smiled more happily. "They're not in a safe, they're one I keep around in case I need to build one suddenly."

"I need to look those over later."

"I'll probably be on Darcy's couch." He looked outside at the yell. "We need to go before the yeti gets more upset." He grinned at Natasha. "They like redheads because they're so rare." She walked off to get the other agents back to the jet. The yeti did stare at her, panting hard as he reached for her hair. It didn't do more than pet her once before running off yelling again. "At least that wasn't a mating call," he told Bobbi, who cracked up. Darcy was quietly snickering against his shoulder too.

Melinda shook her head, making that note for the report. That way someone would know if they ran into another one. Or those two having to save themselves.

***

"Lewis, go ahead and disarm," Stark said as she walked into the living room area behind her brother. "It should be safe here."

Darcy stared at him. "I already gave them back to their rightful handler." She pointed at her brother. "All but the laser. It's mine now because he can make himself another one." She sat down, looking at Clint and Natasha. "Do we think they're done with us?"

"There's always hope," Natasha said. "Perhaps not your brother. You don't really fit the order bringer part of the prophecy." She sank into a seat. "How many more yeti are there in the world?"

"Sixty that I know of," Xander said, blinking at her. "They don't really form colonies but there's a few family groups here and there."

She nodded. "How did they avoid notice?"

"What person is going to believe you saw a yeti?" Darcy asked.

"Point," Clint agreed. He looked at Stark and Banner. "They thought Natasha was pretty."

"They like redheads," Xander agreed. He sank down into the oversized chair next to his sister. "I don't know why but they do. There's no known language translation for them but we can tell their calls like we do wolf calls."

"A yeti," Banner said slowly. "Really?"

"It showed up to see what all the people were doing," Darcy said. She grinned at him. "It wanted to pet Natasha."

"She's pretty and they can tell that, but she's not really pettable," Stark quipped, staring at her. She scowled but shrugged it off. He looked at them. "Should we worry about weeding anything they gave you out?"

"I woke up from a nap still fully dressed," Darcy said. "Xander was on the altar taking a nap."

"It was a great nap," Xander agreed. "I really needed it." Darcy elbowed him gently but cuddled against him. He yawned again. "We should be fine and their plot was stopped. They probably won't come back again." He lifted his sister's wrist. "Why did you take that out?"

"I thought it might come in handy." She looked up.

"It could be released on someone but it might try to take you out too."

"I can talk to it. I'm not the one that put it in there."

"Could be. It would appreciate you being pretty." She grinned. "I should probably put that back." Stark got up and got a container from the kitchen, coming back to hold it out for Darcy to put whatever in it. She took off the bracelet and the sword to keep, then dropped it into the tuperware container. Xander grinned at Stark. "Thanks. She probably didn't need tainted by the demonic today." She looked at him. "It might make sure no one comes near you again. Then how would you date someone I need to threaten?"

She shrugged. "Sometimes the more evil is fun, sometimes it's evil, and sometimes it's a supposed good guy." She looked at Stark, pulling up an email. "Is that who I think it is?"

He took the phone to read. "That's Hammer, yup. Why did he send you a flirty email?" He handed the phone back before sealing the container for a bit.

"I thought he wanted to get into Janey's work." She shrugged. "Kinda creepy though."

"Yeah, he is, and he's probably not up to any woman's standards."

"I've had a few of those," Darcy quipped. Xander nodded he had too. She looked at him. "Did you ever meet him?"

"Yeah and he tried to flirt but he was so far beneath my usual." He waved a hand behind Darcy's head but grinned at her. "He's good enough for a slayer to date maybe. They have little standards, mostly because they think they're desperate."

"When it's your life most nights, it gets to you and you need cuddles," Darcy agreed. "Thankfully not my usual life." He hugged her. She looked at Stark. "That demon's pretty good at conversation. We were talking about the book I was reading the other night. He apparently reads like english teachers do."

He blinked a few times, walking off with it to put it into the safe. "I'll remember that if we need to have someone to talk to." He shuddered once he was in the elevator, ignoring the demon trying to start a conversation.

Darcy grinned. "Let me get us onto my couch." Banner nodded like he was confused. Natasha nodded that was fine. They fled back to her apartment. She looked at her brother. "Food?"

"I could eat. I usually can."

"Cool!" She looked in her fridge and cabinets, deciding on the pasta. It was an easy quick meal.

In the living room, Natasha looked at Bruce, who was slowly shaking his head. "Each time we run into him professionally I get this headache," Bruce said quietly. He got up and went down to his lab to hide from the siblings.

Natasha looked at Clint. "I get the same headache usually," she agreed quietly, making him grin at her. "Let me go clean my weapons in case they show up again." She went to her rooms to mutter and hide her screaming into her pillows.

Clint relaxed, being on watch to make sure no one broke in there to get either sibling this time. You never knew about some of Xander's dates. As proven by one pretending to be cleaning staff. "We use robots for that," he called then grinned and waved when the guy stared at him. "Go ahead and knock. Darcy really likes to meet his boyfriends." The guy knocked on Darcy's door and the guy slipped in to go kiss Xander. Clint smirked, making a note on who that was for later security details. That way they'd stop him before he snuck in for a worse reason than checking on Xander.

***

Xander looked around before walking into Stark's lab. "No sister, right?"

"No, she's nagging Jane," Stark said, turning around to look at him. "You look like you're up to something."

Xander grinned. "Remember that talk about the nuclear butt plug? Well, I talked to Simon, who thought it was an interesting idea. He said he couldn't make it very slimline but he did figure out how small you could shrink it and still have it be a true weapon for more than one person. Then I showed him two chemical formulas I found recently in a demon market, one that said it was to be used for biological purposes.

"It was apparently meant to go to some higher princess level demon queen who was being married off against her will. Simon agreed it'd have a lot of effect, especially if used together. So he had ideas and they were great to work out of his head when he asked." He put the notes down on the table with a smirk. "So now there is a nuclear level butt plug to use on Darcy's future dates that may hurt her or I could just use the lube stuff and let them burn up."

He put down the other notes with a wink. "Simon suggested I share because he said he wasn't sure the wiring in the plug part would work but he had an ex-girlfriend he wanted to use it on. Thankfully Hill is protected here and his other ex is in a jail in Egypt for being a woman who took out men. A lot. For money." He grinned again. "So if you find a fault in his wiring, more than the board looking upside down to me, he might like to hear."

"Is this Simon on a list?"

"You'd have to ask Hill that. He works for Germany these days though."

Stark moaned. "How do you find people like that?"

"I accidentally stopped him from killing two other agents, I think Iranian ones, and he yelled at me but I pointed out that they were kinda important the next day when they had to play a part in a summoning because we couldn't stop their cult permanently but if we could kill that first demon it couldn't be used to call the higher demon that whole group wanted to really summon.

"Kill the little to make sure the big can't be summoned and them calling it back was enough to get them taken out by official sorts who hate cults to demons, who had ignored it for over a decade until then. Simon watched all that, made a report, then came to talk after the battle about things. Thankfully I was flirting with a succuba and he drove her off."

He shrugged but grinned again. "He appreciates me. Won't really do more than accept minor sex from me, he claims he's het and they'd probably take him out of the field if he wasn't het. But he's the nicest guy to ask those sort of questions to."

"You give me great headaches, Harris."

"Sorry!" He grinned. "But if you need it for some of your bad guys, now you have plans." He beamed and left to go nag his sister.

Stark moaned, turning to bang his head on the table. But he did look at those plans. "That'd be an awfully big plug," he said as he looked it over. "Even with nano circuits. No, I'm not going to update that. Hill!" he bellowed. The AI sent her up to see him. He held up the papers. "You have an ex named Simon who works for the Germans?"

"I do. Why does this matter?"

"Harris went to him with the idea of a nuclear weapon in a butt plug to hurt his sister's future bad dates." He waved the papers. "He figured it out. Said he'd only use it on an ex-girlfriend who probably wasn't you. That one was in Egypt in a jail."

"The one he'd blow up is actually in Albania working with their government. It's his ex-wife. A *nuclear* butt plug? Really?" He nodded. She took the plans to look at. "That's probably six inches wide and about ten long," she said, looking at the diagram. "Bit big."

He looked at her oddly. "Some people take fists, Hill," he said dryly.

"Yes but they don't walk around like that."

"You can probably train your body to do that. Hell, HYDRA could probably brainwash a few porn stars into doing it." She winced. "Also, he found a chemical liquid explosive that would work as a lube." He let her see those.

She moaned. "I'll have notes made to our Director," she said quietly, handing them back after making a few notes to go with the report. "Where is Harris?"

He looked at the screen. "Nagging Jane with her to eat something." He looked at her again. "I had this same headache yesterday when they were talking about the yeti liking redheads."

"I don't want to know," she decided, walking off with her notes. She called Coulson personally, because otherwise the SHIELD geeks might get *ideas*. She held up the first page, making him blink a few times then stare at her oddly. "My ex Simon. Xander Harris went to him about his weird idea and threat to any future bad boyfriend his sister might not enjoy."

Coulson just nodded once. "I remember Simon. He seemed too sane to like Harris. We should probably reevaluate him."

"He came up with a nuclear butt plug, Phil."

"I... I had hoped it was some sort of weird looking rocket." He sucked in a deep breath through his nose then let it out slowly. "Usable?"

"Might have a few electrical flaws by the notes on the designs Harris gave Stark. And one for a chemical explosive sexual lubricant."

"I see." He looked down then up at her. "See if you can get us real plans from your ex?"

"I can try," she agreed. "Stark suggested HYDRA could kidnap and program some porn stars to be walking around with them if they got the plans. How would we scan for them?"

"I don't want to think about that so I'll go ask Melinda." He hung up with a moan of pain. He went to the labs, looking at the team in there. "Xander Harris has once again proved he has weird ideas that work." They all stared at him. "He threatened his sister's next evil boyfriend with a nuclear bomb up the hind end." Melinda May giggled, shaking her head. "A contact of his came up with one." She went from giggling to choking. "It's a bit large for normal people but..." He stared at her. "Find some way to figure out how to scan for it?"

"They found what?" Simmons demanded. "How would you even *do* that?"

"Hill will try to get copies just in case, the creator of it is one of her ex's who works for Germany's BND." She slumped, staring at him. "Apparently Stark hypothesized that HYDRA could kidnap pornstars to turn into agents or walking time bombs with those."

Simmons didn't realize she had an eye twitch until that moment. She looked at Fitz, her lab partner, who shrugged back. She looked at her boss. "You've been dosed with something, haven't you?" she asked kindly. "Need to hit medical?"

"I wish. It'd make reality seem more sane. Apparently there's also a formula for a chemical explosive that can be used as a lubricant." They all moaned. "Find a way to scan for it please?" They nodded. "Thank you. I know our metal detectors don't pick up smaller metal items inside the body. Or someone's hood piercing for some reason." He walked off rubbing his head. Maybe a trip to medical was a good idea after all? At least they'd have something for his headache.

He walked in and they stared at him. He got into the advil box. He shook his head at the continued staring. "Get the gossip from the labs." He went back to his desk to make notes on those things. He had a note from Maria Hill that she did have plans from him.

Her ex had been amused at her reaction to them coming up with it, and had gladly shared just in case someone else got an idea up their backsides. Or someone in Europe used their women's ice hockey league. He paged Simmons, holding up the email he printed out. "From Hill. Design specs."

She took them to look over. "Can you fit something that size up an anal column?" she demanded, looking at him.

"I would not know. Go ask a gay agent that?" She nodded, going to ask about that size. She came back blushing but had a report that stated it was a useable size, and a wearable size, and that some people liked having even larger things so ten inches by six inches diameter was good to them. Coulson now had information he did not want to have but it rather came with the territory of being in command of SHIELD.

***

Stark leaned into Jane's lab, looking at Xander. "What ice hockey league is Hill moaning about?"

"Where or why?" Xander quipped, smiling at him.

"Europe."

"The women's ice hockey league maybe?" He looked it up and showed him a picture from a game. "It's a women's naked ice hockey league. I have season tickets." He grinned.

Darcy took the phone to look at. "Those poor, chilly, naked women." She handed the phone back. Jane was shaking her head slowly. Xander showed her too. Jane spluttered and choked on her notes so Darcy had to save them.

"Why does Europe have a women's naked ice hockey league?" Stark asked, sounding tired.

"It started as a brothel level league from higher end brothels. Now there's one team in each major city and a few from other countries." He pulled up the team standings list, showing it to him. "My fave is the Canadian team. They're *really* good and play a bit meanly but also really pretty and great when they switch from hockey season to soccer season."

Stark blinked at him then walked off shaking his head and moaning. He ran into Hill's office area, going inside to pull up a search on those. The AI pulled up the site with the team standings list to show all the teams. "They're a women's naked ice hockey league. It started as higher end brothel teams and spread. When they're done with hockey apparently they play soccer. Harris stans the Canadian team." He walked off to find Pepper and make her take his mind off all this somehow.

Hill stared at the list, clicking on a league list. "They hold real games," she said, watching a clip from one. "Huh. Naked women skating and playing hockey." She blinked a few times. "Body paint from Egypt for modesty. One team doesn't shave," she realized, blinking at it a few times. Her second-in-command came in and gently led her to a couch in their break room to nap on. "Did you know about the hockey league?"

"Not a thing, ma'am. Let me do some research to make sure they're not evil." He went back to her office to dig into that. He sent a report to Coulson and to Stark both, and then decided to send one to Rogers. He officially led the team so he should know in case they became a threat.

***

Steve looked at his email, pausing his chewing on lunch with Sam and Bucky to look at the sent report. "What the heck?" he muttered, staring at it.

Bucky leaned over to see because hardly anything made Steve Rogers blush that way. "Is that...hockey? Naked women playing hockey. Okay."

"There's a league sort of thing in Europe," Sam said with a grin. "One of the guys I worked with knew about them and followed his mother's native country's team. Apparently Albania was pretty good a few years back." He ate a bite of his meatloaf sandwich. Steve and Bucky were both staring at him. "I wonder how this came to attention. I'm almost sensing a Lewis moment or a Harris moment."

"Has to be a Lewis moment," Steve decided. "That's not the sort of warped stuff Xander does usually." He sent back a question to that agent asking why it was pertinent. Apparently he went to ask Hill and came back with a small report of why. "No, I'm wrong. It was a Xander moment. He had a friend who came up with a nuclear powered butt plug somehow." Bucky choked and shook his head, trying to clear out the blockage with some coffee. Steve thumped him on the back. "You okay, Bucky?"

"No," he gasped.

Sam stared at them. "Wouldn't that be too big?"

"Thelize in Paris," Bucky coughed.

"Oh, *her*!" Steve said, nodding. "Pretty girl with a weird burlesque show Jacques took us to for downtime one weekend." Sam stared at him. "Mortar rounds, Sam." Sam shuddered. "I didn't know you could do that in either place she stuck them but apparently it was good for her."

"Yeah, I don't need to know," Sam said. Bucky nodded, sipping Steve's coffee now. The waitress came over to refill their mugs. "Thanks. We just had a friend tell us some very weird things," he said quietly. "Sorry about him choking so loudly."

She winked at him. "I heard part of it. There's a nice club up on the lower east side that has that sort of show if you're looking. My cousin did some bouncing up there last year."

Bucky sipped his new cup of coffee. "I think I'm a bit too shy for that. But thanks. Maybe Sam should go. He seems amused." She winked again and refilled Bucky's cup before going to check on a few others.

Sam kicked him under the table. Steve shook his head. "Everyone should try things at least once to see if they like them," Steve decided. "Maybe you should and tell us how it was. I figure Stark can probably give us the address."

Sam stared at him then kicked him under the table too. "Not this weekend." He went back to eating before he said anything else that got overheard. His mother would kill him if he went to such places. And she'd know because he'd have to go hide behind her to get right and normal again. "Maybe you should bring Lewis."

"She might already know where it is," Steve agreed.

Bucky looked at him. "I doubt it. She's more uptight than that." He stuffed his mouth quickly.

Sam ate another bite too. He made sure the waitress got a great tip for that suggestion. She seemed very helpful.

***

Darcy looked up as Bucky walked into the lab. "You okay? You have stains."

"Lunch dripped when I choked on the idea of getting that plug up someone thanks to a show we saw in France way back when," he said dryly. "Apparently there's a club around here and Steve thought you might want to know."

"Not into exhibitionism as a kink but thanks for thinking of me. Jane, do you like to watch live sex shows?"

"Not really. Too many drugs are usually involved," she said, looking up. "Why?"

"The thought of that thing made me think back to a show in France back during the war and the waitress offered us the address of one on the lower east side. The very thought of that device is a bit weird, Lewis."

She shrugged. "Not my doing. Xander threatened to find one to use on a future asshole boyfriend. Stark told him it probably couldn't be done. And yet someone did." She flapped a hand around with a grin. "He does find some of the weirdest things."

"We should probably get notes about that stuff just in case someone else has ideas," he said.

"Stark has some."

"Great!" He smirked at her. "Any other weird things?"

"An anti forced marriage chemical weapon lube?" Darcy guessed with a smirk. Bucky moaned, shaking his head as he walked off, going up the hall to Stark's lab. She shrugged at Jane, who shrugged back. "I personally think he probably has worse ideas made but who knows what he's found in the demon markets or wherever he's been. Those unicorn princesses might have some freakier stuff. Who knows."

"They were freaky," Jane agreed, going back to her current project. "Do we have the star shift data yet?" Darcy looked in their emails, printing it. "Thank you. "Maybe we should set Xander up on a date with someone nice and partially normal? Maybe Romanoff knows an agent who might like him."

"Maybe. I could ask I guess." She sent that message to Clint's phone, she didn't have Natasha's number, and got back they'd all appreciate her brother dating someone normal again. Before the next one tried to end the world. Though, his one he faced down earlier was apparently a princess of a dead realm. He had stopped her from taking one of the slayers. It had been captured on video. He sent her the film so she could watch it. "Awww. Xan's girlfriend is pretty but dead and wanted him to be her prince of the dead realm."

"Isn't that a Tim Burton movie waiting to happen?" Jane mumbled.

"Probably, yeah. Or a more fairytale version of the B-word guy."

Jane looked at her. "He won't really show up if you say his name three times."

"Prove it. Especially with the way weird things happen thanks to baby brother?" She smirked. "Are you willing to take that chance, Janey?"

"No," she admitted. Darcy showed her that film so she moaned. "Wow. That's so a Burton movie waiting to happen." She shook her head quickly. "Tell Clint about the hockey league?"

"Sure." She sent that site to him with a 'Xander clued us in, he follows the main Canadian team instead of one of the city teams'.

Upstairs, Clint looked at his phone, getting into that link. "What the hell?" he muttered.

Stark looked over from resting his eyes on a couch with an ice pack on his head. "If that's hockey related, Harris stans the Canadian team." He moved the ice pack to a new spot. His poor head.

Clint looked at him then at the others in the living room. "Naked women's hockey, guys?"

"There's a what now?" Bruce demanded. Clint beamed it to the tv. The AI put it on the game taped earlier in the week. Stark's cable package got a lot of esoteric and weird channels. Bruce stared, mouth open. "That's... they're naked. Shouldn't they be cold?"

"They're probably a bit chilled," Steve said, nodding a bit. "Nipples look cold. That one Romanian player is really pretty. Is that Romania and Paris?"

"Yeah. By the thing at the bottom," Clint said, switching how he was sitting to see it better. He texted Natasha to come see this.

She came out and stared, hands on her hips. "How on earth?"

"It's a brothel league," Stark said under his ice pack, eyes still closed. "Harris clued us in earlier. He apparently likes the Canadian team."

She blinked a few times. "I cannot play hockey and I do not want to learn that one." She sat down to watch what was going on. "Huh. Men must really like this. It's got a good bit of attendance in the stands." She winced at the 'hair pulling' penalty one of the women just got. "They do play as meanly as any men's game I suppose."

Stark moved his ice pack to look at her. "Apparently their off season is soccer instead of hockey."

She nodded. "That has to be a sight with all the bouncing." She settled in to watch it, texting Pepper and others about that league. Pepper came up to watch with her. She even made popcorn for everyone before sitting down. Stark was back to not watching thanks to his headache. Bruce was still staring hard but blushing. Steve was blushing. Bucky was blushing. Sam was almost cheering on one of the players that kept yanking pubic hair and getting penalized for it.

Natasha shook her head. "They are more mean than the men are. And they fight just as much." She winced when someone fell and got kicked by a skate but the ref pulled her out for medical attention. A few of the other women had scars too so they were really playing and really keeping score. The announcer was noting which players were going to an all star game coming up in a few weeks. Which was being held in Montreal. She and Pepper shared a look then shrugged. They might go to see that.

Clint looked at his buddy, grinning. "I'll go if you do."

"If we're not busy and there's tickets," she agreed.

"Me too so you can guard us," Pepper told Clint. Tony sat up to stare at her. "What? I could appreciate women doing sports. Even if they are naked."

"Uh-huh." He got up and tossed his ice pack into a sink before hauling Pepper up and walking her off. "Let's go to dinner, Pep. I have a huge headache thanks to Lewis' brother. He had someone come up with a nuclear butt plug. I had to look at the plans and everything."

"Poor boy." She smiled, patting him on the cheek. "Natasha, tape that for me?"

"I will." She set the command to DVR the game and future games. She paused. "Nuclear butt plug?" she asked, looking at Clint, who shrugged. Bucky was moaning so she looked at him. "Why?"

"He apparently threatened a future bad Darcy boyfriend with finding one," Bucky said. "He had a friend come up with how."

"Ah." She nodded once. "That'd be too large."

"No, it's got nano tech. Ten inches long by about six wide," Steve said.

"Hmm. Porn star sized then," she decided. "Very weird." She shook her head, nibbling on her popcorn while watching the game. Hill walked in, spotted the game, went red in the face, and walked off shaking her head and moaning to go lay down again. "I didn't realize she was that easily embarrassed." She ate some more popcorn, tossing some to Clint so he could catch them in the air.

"Harris is having to copy all his idea files and things onto a different medium because Rosenburg virused his phone again," Clint said casually. She nodded, going to talk to him about getting a copy to keep safe. Then she came back with him to watch the game with them. And Darcy as it happened. Thor paused on his way through, blinking a few times before walking off shaking his head. Jane settled in to watch with them when Darcy told her it was on. Steve, Bucky, and Bruce all faded back to do guy things so they weren't watching sports. It upset their delicate constitution.

***

Natasha was looking over the idea file, shaking her head at the fifth thing that was weapons but not sexual related. The files had some very mean plans in case of emergency. And some weird things. Why would anyone make a lubricant that was a chemical weapon? Though a few of them she wanted to see made to see if they could have it around in case of emergencies. Stark could probably build them. She did find a delightful one that she sent to Coulson, and with it the note that Darcy had his original version.

***

Phil Coulson looked at his computer since it was making noise. He looked at the email, then sighed. "Why is she switching from a tazer to a laser?" He rubbed his forehead. Then he got sent another link to the game she had watched earlier. He opened it and let out a mild swear at his former agent's dirty mind. He really had to have a talk with her about sharing such things.

Though...they were really naked, not just in skin colored body suits. He sent the link to the labs, Daisy, and Melinda. One of them might like hockey, he didn't. Their soccer teams were nice looking though. That's when he realized he needed to go rest for a bit. Before Natasha's dirty mind made him think more like Clint Barton again.

That was always bad for SHIELD when he had to channel Barton's thinking.

***

Daisy looked at her computer, logging into the game to watch it. "Wow, I didn't know that we knew about that." She turned it off. "Not my thing."

In the lab, Simmons and Fitz were staring in horrified awe at the game. Melinda was just staring. They turned it off and they all sent complaints to Hill that Coulson needed a vacation or he had been dosed with something but was denying it. Hill could handle him. She had for years when she had been his boss.

Hill went up to Natasha's suite, knocking and getting her. "You made Coulson worry his people that he was turning into Barton again."

She tried not to smile at that. "It was effective the last time he did so. It let us save Belarus."

"This time it sent him to bed for a nap. His lab geeks all said he needed a vacation or he was exposed to something mind altering." She gave her a pointed look. "Quit being so mean please, Romanoff. If Phil falls I've got to take back over."

"You could uncover Fury and let him see those."

"Nick Fury would try to skin me alive on the way to medical if I showed him naked hockey matches." She walked off to send Nick a quiet text about Phil needing a vacation before he turned back into Barton. Fury asked why so she sent him the link from Phil's emails. And noted that Harris had shown Natasha so she was sharing. Fury's message back an hour later ordered her to send Romanoff on vacation somewhere quiet and spa-like, and to send Barton with her just in case someone hated that idea.

He'd send Coulson to Oregon to relax with his former girlfriend or something. They'd handle it for a few weeks of needed vacation time. She snickered, writing that Phil's former girlfriend was now in London with the symphony there and Phil hated Oregon without her there. She suggested Cancun but it was full of drunken, partying college kids right now. Fury made plans for where to send them all and sent the confirmation emails to her. She could have them kidnaped onto the planes for all he cared. He'd handle SHIELD again for a few weeks.

***

Darcy looked up as someone she kinda knew ran into her in the coffee shop she favored. She bought him a coffee and handed it over with a smile. "Fancy seeing you in this part of town," she said quietly, walking off with him. "What's up?"

"Someone taking Hill's name in vein to get someone to kidnap Romanoff." He handed over the email.

She looked and giggled. "Wait." She texted Clint, bringing him out yawning and stretching. She let him see it.

He read it and looked at Frank Castle. "It was probably her. She thinks Natasha needs a vacation pretty badly since she apparently liked the naked hockey match last night."

"Why are guys playing hockey naked?" Frank asked.

"Women, Frank. Women," Darcy corrected with a smile for him when he shivered. "It's an international league. We do have a team here in the city but they're ranked pretty low."

Clint looked at her then shook his head, looking at Frank. "I'll make sure she gets on the plane and tell Hill to quit being so spy-like. It's not needed this time."

"I was hoping it wasn't a plot to get her compromised."

"No, that's Hill's idea of subtle," Clint complained. "Thanks, man." He took Darcy's coffee as he walked off.

"Hey!" she complained. He grinned back at her. She sighed, looking at Frank, who was trying not to stare. "Yesterday was the day that my little brother gave a lot of people headaches. And then he told them about the hockey league."

"Why would they play hockey naked?"

"It started as an exclusive brothel league, Frank."

"Ooooh." He nodded once then shivered. "I'll have to tell others. Maybe our local team would get better." He walked off. "Have a fun day, Lewis."

"You too." She went back to get more coffee then went to the labs.

"Go straighten out your brother so he gives less headaches," Stark ordered when she ran into him.

"I'm still not sleeping with him, Stark," she shot back, staring at him. "Can't do that. If you want to flirt with my baby bro, you go for it though." She grinned and gave him a thumb's up. "You're dangerous enough for him. Pepper might like to watch." He walked off groaning. "If not, find him one and introduce him," she called after him.

"I don't know anyone dangerous enough for him, Lewis."

She grinned when he glared back. "I only know a few of his ex's. I have no idea which ones are in jail or he's on the outs with. Me calling one of them would only cause problems."

Stark moaned, slamming into his lab to try to protect his mind.

Darcy smiled at Jane, who was shaking her head. "Xander could use a great lover. Maybe even a permanent one." Jane nodded she agreed. "But I don't know anyone."

"Me either," she admitted, getting back to her coffee and lab work.

***

Frank Castle walked into a law office, looking around then at the altar boy that annoyed him. "I found someone who's worse at finding trouble than you. I didn't think it was possible but that one found a chemical weapon that is used sexually and a naked women's hockey league."

Matt blinked but stared at the general area Frank was standing in. "Who did what now?"

"Harris. Former watcher guy who is related to Lewis, who works with Foster."

"Heard of her," he agreed.

"He's her half brother."

"A sexual chemical weapon? Like the fuck or die stories you find online?"

"Not from what I heard. It's explosive."

"Uh-huh." Matt licked his lips then nodded once. "Naked women's hockey league?"

"International but our local team apparently is on the low end of the standings."

"Why?"

"I don't know but I needed that out of my head before it exploded." He left.

Matt frowned until his partner came in then he shared that news with him. Foggy had apparently met Xander at least once since he wasn't that bothered.

***

Darcy looked at the woman staring at her in the shop, walking over to her. The woman clearly wasn't trying to flirt with her. With the leather bustier and openly worn knife, she had an idea why she was staring. "Do you know my little brother Xander by chance?" she asked quietly, staring back.

"I thought you might be his new girlfriend. I was thinking I could recruit you into our group."

"I've met Aria and another one that had a group of women doing things that liked my little brother." She smiled. "But I'm presently taken up by helping scientists organize stuff."

"Oh, you're *her*!" She smiled and hugged her. "Aria's second-in-command mentioned you, Darcy."

"That's cool. Thank you for being one that likes my baby brother. He could always use more of them since he's got wacky ideas again. And apparently a ticket to the upcoming city's hockey team game."

"Is that the brothel league?"

"Yup." Darcy nodded, grimacing. "Not my thing. I feel so sorry that they're that cold. I'm all for a WNHL like the WNBA but I feel sorry they're so cold."

The woman smiled. "They tried it with lingerie but they got ripped and torn. At least they're allowed to wear support systems when they switch to soccer."

"That's cool." Darcy nodded. "I'd need like three bras myself."

"They have underwire bras without the fabric to hold them up but you are well stacked." She looked at Darcy's chest. "How do you punch past that?"

"I don't punch. I taze." She grinned, making the woman giggle and hug her again before walking off. "Call Xander if you want to. He's been bored and having weird idea problems again," she called after her. Darcy went back to her shopping, considering how her brother kept getting interested in women who acted like they wanted to be Octopussy from a Bond movie. This made the third one. Xander had never mentioned a third one.

Though, Xander hardly ever talked about his dating habits... Maybe she should start asking so she could identify them. Or see if they had a mailing list maybe? Or maybe there was a pub somewhere they all hung out at sometimes? That could possibly be.

London had places like that; she had walked into one by accident and had to talk her way out of being taken as someone's concubine, who had liked she was Xander's sister. She had to ask him about that guy later she decided. She found the shirt she wanted and bought it after trying it on so she could get back to check on her brother. "Ran into one of your girlfriends," she said as she walked into her apartment.

Xander lifted up to stare at her from the couch. "Which girlfriend?"

"Redish brunette, fairly shapely. Seemed a lot like Aria but said she heard about me from her? She thought I was your girlfriend too but Aria had told her about me."

"That's probably Dura and she used to be one of Aria's girls but left to make her own group." He laid back down. "What did she want?"

"She said she was going to recruit me but I asked her if she knew you and told her I was Darcy, so she hugged me twice." Xander got up with a moan, finding the tracking device she had put on her. He walked it off shaking his head. "When you come back, tell me about the guy who wanted me to be his harem because of you," she called after him. "I never heard anything about him after another of your ex's saved me from him." Xander came back and dragged her off. "Hey, grabby!"

"Barton." The guy looked up from playing cards with Natasha. "Here, Dura put it on Darcy when she was out and about."

"In the Old Navy store," Darcy said with a shrug. "She recognized who I was when I said Xander was my little brother. She had been staring hard so I asked if she was one of my little brother's girlfriends." Natasha sighed, shaking her head slowly. "She asked me how I punched around my boobs but I said I don't punch, I taze. Which means that she might think that I'm weaker in defending myself but that could be a nice thing so they underestimate me."

"Tell her about the other one?"

"While we were in London, I needed a night off so I went to a pub about two blocks from Jane's mom's place. I was barely in there when a guy decided he was going to come chat me up and try to keep my attention. I didn't let him buy me a drink, I got my own, and he admitted he knew about Xander and about me being his sister. He said he wanted me to be his harem and some day he'd get Xander to join him too." She looked at him. "Another friend of yours rescued me and sent me back to Jane's mom's apartment."

"That harem guy was named Jaques." Xander grinned at Barton, who shuddered. "Though I know something about that pub."

"I know nothing about it," Natasha admitted. She put an empty glass over that tracking device. Jane walked past them looking for coffee with an empty cup and plate. "Did you bring Jane there?"

"Nope. We usually went to the brightly colored bar that had a lot of college kids and drink specials." She looked at Jane. "Did you ever see that pub I went into one night by accident?"

"Is that the dark bar that looked like a lot of smokers went in there to have a cigar and a prostitute from Central America?" Jane called back.

"Yeah, that place."

Jane came to the kitchen opening. "I walked past it a few times but I figured they were the sort that wouldn't want attention from someone not one of them. You went in there?"

"I was out needing a night off and it looked quieter than the rest of London."

"You're lucky they didn't ask you to smoke with them and then take you as their newest girl for hire." She went back to coffee making.

"One of baby bro's ex's tried to keep me as part of his harem," Darcy told her.

"We need to find both of you regular, normal lovers," Jane called. "Before I have to miss you when they kidnap you, Darcy."

"Awww! I'd miss you too, Jane." She went to hug her. "I'd be the best self rescuing princess I could be if that happens."

Xander grinned at Barton. "If Jacques comes near Darcy again, I'm going to test that plug design," he said quietly. "Maybe even twice since his twin brother is even worse and I'd hate to make him a messy spot if he comes near my sister."

"He has a twin?" Natasha asked, looking confused. "That's not noted."

"Either that or he's got MPD and his other side is a bit more psycho and psychological."

"We've barely heard of him," Clint said. "His file states that they thought he tried to change his MO and changed back."

"His other side or twin, whichever he is, is named Morris. He turned and winged the guy that made meowing noises at that but he was there to meet him about some biological weapons." Xander grinned at them. "Then he offered to have his girlfriend of the moment come suck the bullet out so they could get down to business. Also, he's got a drug that is single-use addicting and it is a personality changing one as well. No chance of detoxing, it's permanently brain changing.

"He tried to got me to use try it and I had to remind him I didn't like drugs and I wasn't the normal guy anyway. We had drinks before dinner. I drank something that was guaranteed to bring up the hyena and chased him around his rented compound for the rest of the night trying to hunt the pussy. He thought it was exciting until I ripped out his bodyguard's throat for trying to save him."

He smirked a tiny bit at Natasha's shiver. "By the way, she adores Darcy as her packmate and beta. Hates most of the slayers but Faith but adores Darcy. She'll come out to get petted if I have too high of a fever. I had to have her sent for once when I had malaria because of that."

Darcy leaned out of the kitchen. "I remember that. She was sweet and loved to have me protect her." She went back to chatting with Jane.

Natasha made a note for herself. "I'll let that be known so they can grab her if someone has to have you for a bit while ill." She stared at him. "Jacques and his hypothetical twin will have their notes updated as well." He hugged her around the shoulders then went to help Darcy by asking her which other lovers of his she had met. "He hugs nicely," she told Clint, who was making notes for her. She took the tablet to finish it off.

Hill came up to stare at them. "How did Lewis find out about him?"

"She walked into the wrong bar in London," Clint said dryly. "He tried to keep her."

"Can we have her talk to him about that supposed other self?"

Xander leaned out of the kitchen. "I'm pretty sure Morris is a twin but he might be an MPD thing. I think they were in different cities last year though." He grinned at her. "And I need to thank the other ex that saved her from Jacques and his drugs of permanent addiction and brain changes. I'd hate to destroy someone for that, Hill." She shuddered, backing up a step. He grinned again. "I need to make sure my ex's all appreciate Darcy as my sister since Dura thought she was my girlfriend earlier."

"Dura's new group is considered cute but deadly," Clint said, looking back at him. "They're not against violence if they have to, which is why she split from Aria's group. Aria uses a lot more subterfuge and spy skills than Dura's group can." He checked that wire but it was inside a glass still. He looked at Natasha. Who shook her head.

"Xander, I was wondering. Do your ex's have some sort of bulletin board they can check in on in case Darcy starts to worry about you again?" Jane asked. Hill moaned.

"I was thinking they might have an email group," Darcy agreed.

Xander hugged them both. "I know there's a bulletin board they can find things on but I have no idea where it is. Sorry." He went back to Darcy's apartment, grinning about his baby sister and her warping ways.

"I need to find that in case I have to find him again," Darcy told Jane, who punched her on the arm but took her coffee back to her lab. "Jane, nap time. You promised to sleep today because you have that dinner tonight."

"Oh, yeah. That thing." She grimaced but headed for bed. It was a science heavy charity dinner for scholarships at a local college.

"We'll make sure you have security tonight," Clint called after her.

"Thanks, Barton."

Clint looked at Darcy, who shrugged. "Gala?"

"Charity dinner for scholarships at NYU."

"Okay. I can make sure she has someone." He looked at Hill, who sighed but nodded she'd assign someone as she went back to her office.

Darcy came out to hug him around the head. "Thanks. I'd hate for Jane to get taken and have to rescue her." She went to bother her brother some more. He needed more fun and so did she. They needed to go do something more fun. Even if they did run into aliens like they had last time.

"Do you remember when SHIELD was considered safe and boring?" Clint asked Natasha, who nodded quickly. "Was it the Avengers that changed that or Thor landing?"

"I think it was Stark coming to notice." She stared at him. "Stark is never boring, even these days when Pepper tries very hard."

"Point. But I was still bored then."

"You were in New Mexico. I doubt you could've been Pepper's flirty, sultry assistant."

"I can be a fantastic assistant and flirty," he complained, scowling. "I might not have had Stark flirt with me at his birthday party but I could've been flirty enough for him."

"I can ask him," she offered.

"Hey, Stark," he called, getting connected through the AI. "Settle an argument. Natasha thinks I can't be flirty enough to have taken her place as Pepper's assistant."

Stark sighed that special tired sounding sigh that usually only Harris got. "Pepper's never had a male assistant but I'm sure you can be flirty enough for that sort of assignment. I wouldn't have flirted back but I'm sure you could've."

"Clint actually can do drag," Natasha said with a smirk for him. "He did for an assignment and I had to do a double-take to realize it was him."

"Pictures?" Pepper asked from the same connection. "I could use a hidden assistant sometimes. They know who Natasha is. Even if she dyed her hair they still recognized her and it scared the ones I had to do meetings with last time. Even though they were part-time problems."

"I'll see if I can dig them up from SHIELD's files," Natasha said. "Thank you, Pepper."

"Welcome, you two. What else is going on?"

"Some of the ex's that Xander hates tried to flirt with Darcy back in London. One today tried to flirt but she was one of Aria's girls until she started her own group."

"Ah, that sort. I remember when they invaded."

"I don't know if Darcy can do slinky like their girls do," Natasha admitted. "She's often too covered up."

"Hey, Darcy," Clint yelled. She came to the end of the hallway. "Have you done slinky like Aria's girls do?"

She blushed. "No comment but yes. I had a job as a strip-o-gram in my first college semester. And I did a halloween as a playboy bunny waitress. I made mad tips that night for almost no duties." She went back to her apartment.

"So she can do the clothes, we'd have to see if she could do the slinky nature," Natasha decided.

Clint stared at her. "You really need that vacation they're sending you on." Natasha smirked back. "Before you try to dress me and Darcy up like your slinky backup team."

"You could do that. She...I'd have to work on her training."

"You could probably use a rest," Pepper's voice said. "You should rest before we have to save Jane tonight." Natasha snickered but did go to her apartment to make plans. If Darcy needed training to protect herself, she and Clint could handle that.

***

Dawn showed up, holding up a decorated jar with a sealed topper. "Darcy?" Darcy grinned at her. "Why did Groot's people hand this to me to protect?"

"Why would I know? I barely got to meet Groot."

"They said Xander had handed it to Gamora for some reason and without explanation."

"No clue. Oh, little brother," she called loudly. He groaned from the bathroom. "He's having cheese issues that mean he's been in there for over a half-hour."

"He could be texting with someone," Dawn said as she sat down.

"He can do that in front of me. That way more of them don't want to take me in to be part of their harem with Xander."

"Eww," Dawn said, shaking her head with a sigh.

"Well, a few wanted us in the same harem. The rest gave up when they realized we're related but there's still ones that don't know about me and think I'm his girlfriend."

"There's a few who think *I'm* his girlfriend," Dawn said dryly, smirking at her. "Even when I was underage. One of them tried to take me from Spike one night and lost a lot." Xander came out wiping his hands off. "Why did I get given the urn?"

Xander stared them grinned. "Gamora didn't want to guard her stepdaddy?"

Dawn blinked a few times. "Exsqueeze me?"

Xander grinned, kissing her on the forehead. "Evil. Purple. Fuck." He grabbed the urn to look at it. "Still sealed with the god eater demons." He handed it back. "If it gets out people are probably screwed."

"Um...did Gamora know that?"

"Yeah, I told her."

"Huh." She nodded once. "Sorcerer Strange, I summon thee!" she shouted, casting at him. Wong appeared with a squeak, staring at her. "Sorry, Wong, meant to get the higher guy. He busy?"

Wong stared at her. The Three Chaoses were together again, this was probably bad. "He's out of his body mediating with a demon war. Is there a huge problem?"

Xander pointed at the urn with a naughty grin. "The evil purple fuck is trapped with a trio of god eating demons who got trapped because they were fighting over the same boyfriend."

Wong stared at him. Yup, he was right, this was bad. "What?"

Xander grinned and nodded. "I asked if they minded and they said it'd be good to have something to do besides pick on each other and create temporary harem members for them to share."

Wong stared at the jar then at him. "That should be more safely stored than Dawn can do."

"Which is why I summoned the sorcerer of the bad cape," Dawn quipped, smirking at him. "I brought it over here to see what it was. I had no idea it was that dangerous, Xander."

"Why did they send it to you?"

"She didn't say why. Though they were probably in danger of having it broken or something." It rocked. "Is that normal?"

"Watch me shove a higher level demon in there," he warned the urn. "I know someone who has a high level minion of hell trapped." The urn moaned. "Okay." He called someone. "Can I have that trapped being? Yeah, that one. To amuse the god eaters I have trapped with the great intergalactic purple threat. Yup, him," he said happily. "I'm pretty sure that they can keep Thanos busy." Wong flinched. Xander grinned and shrugged a bit. "I asked them first and they agreed they could use a playmate."

"He's pathetic and thinks he's better than us," the urn said in a female voice. "He's very wrong and about to be castrated. We can have someone else play with him so we don't have to take turns."

Xander looked at the phone he had let hear that complaint. "Thanks, George." He hung up and a minute later two small bells appeared. He put them on the urn, letting them suck in the other demons. One screamed and tried to get away but didn't manage it. It got sucked in too. "There, higher level minions of hell. Azazel and the Minotaur of Helet."

Wong stared at him. "That one is from another realm."

"Yep. Ran into him when I was rescuing George from the wannabe Valkyries who were delusional. They thought they were warriors, and couldn't fight." Dawn moaned, shaking her head. "We trapped Azazel because of that show, Darce." He grinned at her. "We figured it might try to take ideas from it so we captured it before it could. The sex rite worked really well to do that."

"Can you write that down for later sorcerers to learn from?" Wong asked.

"Of course," Xander agreed with a grin. "I've already got a journal of that. Darcy can give to your order when I die."

"Thank you," Wong agreed. "We'd like to keep such knowledge for later sorcerers."

"Not a problem. I found it on a wacky wiccan's site." Xander shrugged a bit. "They have a lot of weird spells that do seem to work when you try them." The urn rattled on the table. "Keep it up, go back into the cave of No Finding and No Ends." It quit moving. He grinned at Wong. "I was searching out a vampire clan in Nairobi. That was what the locals called that cave system with a lot of pretty crystals."

"Were there other artifacts in there?"

"Yup. Their people tended to put anything they captured in there. All but one, which got broken by another watcher who decided he could banish the damn thing, are all in Cleveland's backup vault."

"Which is part of the stuff I put into a closet during the last emergency," Dawn said, leaning back. The urn tried to smoke. "Watch me send you into space or send you to the in-between dimension via Jane Foster's portal and the tentacle friends." The smoke pulled back in. "We need to seal that better."

Xander looked then got a candle to light and pour the wax onto the lid to reseal it. He found a pencil to draw in the warm wax to do the sealing marks he knew. Dawn added two more. Darcy got a box that had some of those to make sure they didn't need more of them.

Wong put his own personal seal on it and took it with him back to the sanctum. Where he had a shuddering fit before getting some tea. He had to watch that urn until the sorcerer got back. No one had told him there were chaos sources like those three. When the Sorcerer woke up he held up the urn. "Two higher level evil minions added to be playmates to the three god eater demons who agreed to trap Thanos in there with them. Xander trapped them and whoever had it gave it to Dawn to guard."

The sorcerer stared at it then sighed. "Dawn's part?"

"It was too unsafe to stay with her in Spain apparently. Which I fully agree with." The urn muttered about pretty Spanish girls so Wong glared. "Watch me help Harris find that cave system you were originally stored in." It shut up. "The others he found are in the backup vault for the Council."

"We can find them and put them safely into the newly created void filled closets. That accident may come in very handy." Wong handed over his current mug of tea, getting a smile. "Thank you for that, Wong. The trio of chaos?"

"Could still be at Miss Darcy's apartment."

"Ah." He nodded, walking off to check those closets that had been infected with void portals. The urn got put into one and notes made on it. Wong handed over the report on the hand-over and what else he had learned for the book's records. The sorcerer stared at it. "This site?"

"I did not ask. I have no idea why a sexual magical rite managed to summon two higher level demons. Nor do I want to but he did say he'd hand over his journal with that information when he died." He grinned. "This is why I'm not the Sorcerer Supreme." He walked off to go rest.

"I didn't know what the job was either," he muttered as he finished the notes. "I really must see if Harris will take lessons in proper magic. It might solve some of his chaotic tendencies."

***

Darcy looked at Xander that night while they were watching the movie night show with the others. "How many more things do you have stored?" she asked quietly. "That was like the third."

"The house I inherited in lower France has a few I think. I've only walked past it once."

"Oh, okay." She leaned on his arm, sharing her popcorn with him. Stark looked over at them. "Highly big thing he had trapped earlier. We handed it to Wong."

"What big thing?" Stark demanded. He paused the movie. "How high on the demonic hierarchy was that one?"

"Three god eating demons agreed to trap Thanos forever with them. Though they said he's got delusions of abilities and he's a woose."

Stark blinked a few times. "Where is it right now?"

"Sorcerer Supreme," the siblings said together with a point toward that house.

"Like the purple bad guy we have visions of attacking?" Clint asked.

Xander grinned and nodded. "Which is why I had him trapped. That way I'd quit having the visions that showed half of everyone turn to dust." Clint shuddered. "The three god eaters were nice enough to take him in for me. And today they wanted some more playmates because he was pathetic so I gave them the ones I trapped with George. Frankie didn't answer or I would've used his."

Darcy looked up at him. "We should search that house."

"I would but it's got a very strong portal to the DPP office. And a few other problems. I don't feel like taking a week to clean it up which ends up being fifty years out here."

She patted him on the arm, going back to her cuddle. "Maybe someday then." He nodded, getting comfy with her. "Restart the movie, Stark?" He did that with a groan, leaning back to cover his face with his hand. He hadn't realized how literal face palming was before meeting the Lewis and a half over there.

The End