Two Harrises and Two Halves (and A Convention)





Xander sighed as he came off the elevator on the Avengers floor, getting a few dirty looks. "Okay, we do not need to panic but someone was going against Jane's portals to see if they could outdo her. We're presently primed for a realm merge of some kind. I'm *absolutely* hoping it's not a full one. But we should not have to panic.

"Jane's measuring against the convention realm to see which one we're joining to because I felt the convention coming tingle that usually means that realm's opened." He took a deep breath, smiling at the staring. "Yeah, we hold a yearly Xander conference. It appears the realm we're merging with has another me. I'm kinda hoping it's one of a few of us."

He looked at Thor. "You may not freak out at one. Because your nephew can probably help us more than anything. If not, maybe President me's realm would be best. Because those ones, they'd call us to come help and two Xanders can usually fix things quickly."

"Hold up," Stark said, holding up a hand. "How do you know we're having a realm merge. JARVIS, call Foster."

"Jane said that we're only partially merging," Darcy's voice said a minute later. Xander said a loud prayer. "It appears the helicarrier was the center of that." Xander groaned. "But they went to a world that feels like the third one you noted."

"Oh, thank you, Goddess," Xander moaned, looking up. "That's President me's world. We'll be called there to fix it." He looked at his phone. "Sorcerer, Xander Harris. It's super important, don't hang up. The helicarrier and whatever disappeared just now, it's in a realm that can help more from over there. Let them do most of the heavy lifting. Well, because there I'm the former president of the US and they tend to call that me out of bed for any weird things that take magic," he said dryly.

"And I'm not sure if you can fight it from this side if you can't get the one who did the portal itself." He listened to the choking. "Jane tested against the energy signature. They've got plenty of magic and sensible magic users over there. Including a Willow who went scientific to be with her snuggly asshole husband. So just monitor it and add in if you feel you have to. Thanks." He hung up and sighed in relief. "Oh, that's a good thing. Darce, Jane need any help?"

"Nope, she's monitoring heavily right now and is muttering about magical idiots."

"Yeah, that one? Yup, sure was. Okay. So minor crisis, might be aware that they'll have to pop back here and some people will be panicking," he said, looking at Stark then Rogers. Then he grinned. "At least we don't have to do the heavy lifting from this side. We don't have as much free roaming magic to take from over here." He walked off happier.

"Hold on," Clint yelled, getting up to gather the young idiot warrior. He walked him back to the sitting area, sitting him down by pushing him into it. "We want to hear about this convention stuff, Harris." He smirked. "How on earth did you get to be president at your age?"

"Oh, well, they're temporally ahead and I've already taken out all the reasons for that work here." Clint stared at him. Natasha pulled him back into a seat. "Um, let's see. My manual's...." He got up to get it and brought it back. He sat back down to flip through it. "Ah, there we are."

He held up a picture. "This type of demon are super peaceful. They decided the only way humanity was going to have peace was to take out every single higher government officer from every single country, with about three exceptions they couldn't find and got later." Steve reached over to grab the book.

"So the Pentagon here did a momentary take over to start a new election cycle early. They voted and put a lower level general in the white house pro tem until the election and he told everyone that from day one so they knew he wasn't doing a military take over.

"Frankly, if O'Neill had, no one would've minded after a few weeks anyway. They voted for him, when he wasn't on the ballot at all, into the presidency. Twice." He grinned. "We, the Council there, had to brief him about all this stuff because he only dealt with alien things."

Stark choked. "Stargate," he moaned.

Xander grinned and nodded. "Yup, and when they helped him make a VP choice of someone who was an actual former senator, the gou'ald took her out thinking she was O'Neill. So he named Sheppard, who was the head over Atlantis, to be his VP. And they fell in for Council battles. Which meant Sheppard got noticed as a warrior who would protect people." He smirked a tiny bit.

"The original slogan for O'Neill online, before he was aware he was going to be pushed into the job for real, was 'what's the most protective being, a general!' slogan. They went to 'what the next best thing to a general, a colonel' when O'Neill ran out of time. And unfortunately I had gotten seen at a few battles as well, including saving Sheppard a few times over the years.

"So I got nominated as the VP from a bed at John Hopkin's for liver damage after a battle and being tortured. Then they didn't let me go either, even though I begged greatly and a lot of evangelicals hated that I was dating an agent out of Colorado. They gave him a lot of hell when they got married but he proved he wasn't the bitch to fuck with and he begged to be let go at the end of his one term.

"So they inconvenienced a hunter to make sure the US was protected. Dawn Summers was that one's wife, put together by angels no less. So if it's weird and magical they call that me. If it's demonic and just a funny looking one, they called me. If it was a higher and possessing sort they called Sam out of his bed in the White House or his brother. And the show with them really doesn't show that stuff." He grinned a bit. "And if it's aliens they try to hit O'Neill or Sheppard, depending on who's on planet at the time."

"Did they do blow up the UN or something?" Clint asked.

"Nope. Mostly individual things. A few were shot, a few were blown up by remote device. The me there and his slayers helped take down the rest of that group of demons on this plane. They had warned but the Council had just been blown up so no one took it for a real threat and ignored it." He shrugged. "Most countries did work toward more peace with who they elected at first. O'Neill was very good at briefing everyone he could when he found out what had happened."

"How did they do that in somewhere like England?" Stark asked. "They have some that are hereditary."

"They let them figure that out while Prince Charles took over as the PM while elections were restarted quickly. Ours happened at the normal time for the full election. Primaries were pushed back because it happened in the spring. He said the ones in the US ran for the unexpired term limit on the seat.

"O'Neill asked a few retired supreme court justices that came back temporarily to close out anything in front of the court and to handle any questions about successions. He did good making sure the people didn't panic too far. The Pentagon had already come on the news to threaten whoever had done that when they heard it had happened in other countries."

"So they put in a temporary president who ran actual elections and didn't want the seat," Stark decided, getting a grin and a nod. "And he didn't run?"

"No. They totally wrote him in everywhere. People were soothed that he was honest, blunt, didn't give a fuck about opinions that didn't matter, and protected them all. They didn't know about the aliens but... it'd be like you taking over if that happened here. You'd be the guy that would calm them down, put things back to moving again, all that." Stark nodded that was true.

"They didn't find out about aliens until his second term, after he had married Buffy. They joked that eating steak got you elected to things because he was out having steak with a few Pentagon friends when he found out he had won the primaries on both sides by over sixty percent. He tried *really* hard to escape that duty but the people spoke loudly."

"Are there those sort of demons here?" Steve asked.

"Not anymore and I've warned people not to let them through because of what they did over there. That's one reason we have Xander conventions." He grinned. "To share problems. Like the one where I'm raising some kids Willow pulled from a movie and deaged, and someone had made a D&D spell to make the world more magical and more green."

"Like elves and things?" Natasha demanded.

Xander grinned and nodded. "One on this coast from up in Canada, one of the island states of it, down to Kentucky. The one in Hawaii stretched to Vegas. That one they created a tiny hellmouth to suck in the magic so it'd drain it down slowly over fifty years. The elves were mostly in LA."

"They do like them unnaturally skinny out there," Bruce quipped but looked depressed. "Did they have dragons?"

"Yup." He grinned. "One of the ones that went, he's a cursebreaker and he brought books on how to handle magical creatures so they'd know how to handle dragons and the herd of unicorns that lived here in the city."

"A cursebreaker, like in Harry Potter?" Stark demanded, sitting up.

"Yup. He was Harry's great-grandfather if I remember right." He grinned. "He's a Dumass. Two 's' at the end, unlike the author. He got hit by a curse on a dig and got deaged to be put in Sunnydale as us."

"Crap," Stark sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Anything super weird in there that I should be warned about?"

"Well, Thor's going to be mad. In one, Xander Lokison-Coulson is the guy over the protection of humanity. Uncle Phil, his true mate," he said to Thor, who moaned. "Was the God of Heros. The Shield of SHIELD basically." Thor slumped. "His Loki had his me with a Hindu river goddess who was cranked mentally. Though his Loki was actually a true mate to Ares. Aphrodite made sure after they were broken up."

Thor stiffened. "He was what?" Xander grinned and nodded. "True mates?"

"Like elemental sex is the shit according to that Xander." He smirked. "That me and his Phil managed it a few times and in a few ways. Loki and Ares foiled each other well and could handle it in one manner."

Thor moaned. "That's a myth!"

"To them, it's nice when it happens on a Thursday, or when Xander finds that wing spell again and puts it on them so they can fly for foreplay." He shifted to face him better. "They made him the God Protectorate of Humanity when he broke out in powers. He had broken out hard but he had gifted titles in each pantheon but his own because Odin hated him for being Loki's son and good as the western villages guardian." He smirked evilly. "Since they still have chaos god powering by their kids...." Thor shuddered, getting up to walk off hugging himself.

"Are the others as evil to mental states as this you is?" Bruce asked.

Xander grinned at him. "Doesn't that depend on the day usually?" He got up. "But at least I'm not a GHS member." He strolled off after getting his book back.

"Nope, I need to see if we need to make plans for that," Stark said, getting up to get it back. "Let us stare at this and get drunk about some of it, okay?"

"Sure. If you want. That's why we make the problem manual. And I'm still looking for the choker here." He went back to help his sister and her Jane.

Stark flipped through it, groaning at a few things. "GHS is a hormone condition." He kept going, finding that D&D spell. "Here's the spell to make the D&D problem." He found the section from Loki's son Xander. "Um... they forced them together against their wills. So I'm pretty sure there were a lot of fights."

Natasha reached over to grab it, staring at it. The first problem was warning about godly dinners and announcements during it. "He had children." Clint looked over at it. "With a friend that our Xander lost." He took the book to look at. He held it up to her, making her wince at that. "Oh. Well...." She cleared her throat. "Interesting."

"What?" Steve asked.

"In that realm, he and I were with Dawn Summers," Natasha said. "It had a family picture of our three children, and a warning about fantasy warrior women armor being responsible for the last two." She cleared her throat.

"Why is my son in a kilt?" Clint asked the picture. It changed with an update. "Um... it mystically updates itself?" And there were more kids. He read the section under it now, holding it up for her. Then he grinned at Thor. "Apparently some Asgardian minor goddesses made Dawn pregnant with Natasha's triplets after our earlier two with her and one out of Natasha." Natasha was muttering at the book.

Clint looked at her. "Ya think? See the warning below that about our son and his make up skills?" He smirked a tiny bit as he looked at Stark. "Your second one apparently talked your third one, and only son, into thinking he had to be a girl to fit in. He helped with Philip learning to pass easily. By the new notes, they're good enough they do the family makeup and Philip does the nails and hair." Natasha was moaning and shaking her head.

"But your first kid, with Buffy Summers, and then your third kid, the son with Pepper, were both geniuses. Your second was Pepper's kid by mystical implantation but you claimed the future evil one and the baby was Steve's with Pepper because they made you get out of the lab together." Stark let out a moan as he tensed up. "Your daughter passed you by and all you did was yell at her for her red bull habit."

"I'd hope any kid of mine would be better at things than I am." He took the book to look at, moaning at the pictures of his family. "Fuck!" Steve snatched it to look over. "Pepper may not see that, people." They all nodded at that. He looked at Bruce. "Somehow the Summers' mom lived through the cancer and you two ended up together but she and Cap headed SHIELD after Fury's plots got him turned into a ferret Coulson's kids were watching. And you helped mentor the kids."

"I would if you had kids," he promised, looking amused. "I married?"

"Yup. Happily by the notes. They put in how they helped you have a non battle change stage and how you got calmed down, the meditations and the like. You can have it later if you want, when we're all stupidly drunk."

Natasha looked at him. "I don't think I can drink enough to forget that book exists."

Steve looked at her then at Tony. "I don't even want to know how we got together," he said firmly but quietly. "You'd drive me nuts, Stark."

"Aww, you wound me," he shot back, then glared. "Ditto." He took it back to go back to looking at problems. "Huh, there's an evil Xander. His name is Lavelle." He looked at Bruce, then at Clint. "He was given against his will by some of the Council people to hopefully stop a problem and fought his way out of Hell. So he became a knight on that side and ended up making friends that somehow became a world wide conglomerate issue. And if that's the choker, it can change form enough that he had kids."

Natasha nodded once. "Charming," she mouthed. She tipped her head to look outside then looked at them. "The sky is back to normal. JARVIS, is the helicarrier back yet?"

"Yes," the AI said. "It appeared about five minutes ago. Sir, perhaps you should do something about your blood pressure?" he suggested delicately.

"Yeah, once we're not on alert for problems, I'm going to drink it to zero," he complained. He flipped a few pages later, staring at it. "Oh, that's on Dumass." He scanned it and then sighed in frustration before going on. "How in the hell do they hold a convention of them?"

"On a realm that connects but is mostly closed off," Natasha said. "It'd be the only safe way."

Stark stared at one. "Here's a full three pages on the way Rosenburg had changed him in multiple realms. Including into a demon." He frowned but moved on. He finally handed the book back to her and went to lay down on a free couch to cover his face and not think for a few minutes. "Pepper is not to see that."

"We can let Harris hide it after we copy certain parts," Clint said, taking the book from Natasha's limp hand. He looked at that. "Huh. Stark, did you have a plan to save us from being overworked?"

"I saw that," he noted. "I'll make sure it can't happen tonight once I'm sober."

"Thanks. Can we search out that group?"

Stark looked at him. "They'll still probably try to blame me even though I had nothing to do with it. So if they're going to be rescued I can't help, it'll be counterproductive." That got a nod and the two assassins looked over that problem. "And Bruce, in that world, apparently you were sweet on our redheaded coworker."

Bruce looked at him then at the duo, who nodded. "No offense, but you're not really my type, Natasha."

"None taken. It's weird to me as well. Though Clint had a hidden family."

Clint nodded. "I'd definitely do that. It'd keep them away from Fury's plots." He looked at Natasha, who shuddered back, reading his intent. He grinned. "We have to make some notes, don't we? Do a report?"

She shivered. "That may get us hunted down and tortured. Especially if he met a Harris that was a president." She licked her lips. "We do have to some sort of report that we saw this book."

Clint grinned. "I'll handle that." He got up to get a tablet to make a report on what he was seeing. Including Lavelle. "Hey, he has a shot to turn on GHS. He used it on Reed Richards in the realm we have kids in."

Stark burst out in snickers. "I'm sure he's horrified with his body turning on him that way and making sex more important than science." He put a pillow over his face to laugh into it.

Dawn appeared with her pet Mortimer and grinned at Clint, handing over a small envelope. "Goes in the back on the new one they found recently that has a curse on it to make it about middle ages. They barely have grenades again." She smirked. "And you guys were a ruling council in one country. Still fighting." She stepped back with a smirk. "But in the other nearby countries there was a naming curse on any first born princess so all first born were princes and all second were princesses, including sons of warlords like their Xander was. Then he overthrew the drunk ass." She smirked.

Clint read that one, tossing it at Natasha while he giggled. "That's good to see."

"Welcome." She grinned. "President Xander is pretty snarky but he's tired of people sending them to him to fix. Especially since he usually has to call the Coulson family to come fix it for him and me to help. He said this was the second time and if there was a third he was going to invade them back." She smirked. "And the helicarrier has a few bunny rabbits on it for the reason of the me there. Tell Fury I can't change them back please." She wiggled her fingers, and Mortimer waved his tentacles in her hair, before they disappeared.

Clint grinned at Natasha. "She really does bring fun news."

"I'm hoping you don't have to wear middle ages tights there," she shot back. "Or ride a horse." Thor came back from checking on Jane with a large mug of beer. "Thor, there's one that just recently got found." She held up those pages for him to take and read.

He read it and moaned. "Oh, dear." He took another sip. "That poor realm." He handed it back. "That poor world." He walked off drinking his beer. "I feel much pity for that one and the one where Xander was my nephew. They must be much warped. I should warn Heimdall in case he sees there by accident."

"Just don't send Loki," Stark said from under his pillow. "Two of them in one realm may be too much. Even if one has calmed down by application of a husband."

"What is that chaos kid thing they mentioned?" Clint asked.

"It was not attempted here," Thor said. "It was proposed though. It was thought that it would make the chaos bringers calm down some by limiting their powers to what their children could bring to them once a decade or so. In fact, the curse to do so would cause much more chaos as it spread out greater. I do believe my brother there would have been fully powered for decades from a single year of his son's doings." He took another drink of his beer. "I do not wonder what they did to do that however."

Clint turned back to that section, thinking at the book so it brought up that part. "Um.... Well, it said one was by Dawn making Loki her kids' godparent to hold down the chaos they were bringing to the world." Thor moaned, shaking his head. "I gotta say my kids with her were probably a bit chaotic since my first son liked kilts."

He cleared his throat. "The other...it says that Cupid suggested Atlantis have a holy dildo pool to get some stress out before it killed them all." He licked his lips at Natasha's giggle. "And that Xander heard that and had eaten mexican food when the curse and urge hit to do that. So he created the pool, and some extras.

"Unfortunately the mexican food gave him gas and the gas explosion ...it says he farted and it made them dick headed dildo vines that pulled people into the pools," he said, making Thor choke and splutter while shaking his head. "And some got into our vents to scare us all. And you got a new sister thanks to them getting into Odin's tub, and Zeus's tub so he had one too. Your new sister became over female warriors and helped Xander guard the villages. The Greek one became the goddess of engineers."

Thor stared at him. "Do I want to know how that happened or got fought?"

Clint looked then walked over the book to show him the video of that. "You think at the book and it'll bring up parts," he said quietly. "I think those are women fighting it, Thor."

He watched it, nodding. "That makes my cringe to see those dick vines being fought off by the female warriors. Oh, dear." He handed it back. "Those were wearing the marks of Valkyries and Athena's and Artemis's warriors." He went to get a refill on his beer. "I can only hope no one here tries that. We would hate to hide behind Natasha."

Natasha looked at him. "I'd be hiding from them trying to get into my uniform." Clint showed her that video and she stared at him afterwards. "You're on your own. I'd be hiding from them."

"That figures." He sat down to go over that incident again. "Oh, there was a game to see who offended Valhalla the most so Loki put Puritans in Valhalla's main hall."

Thor moaned, looking out of the bar area at him. "He did what?" Clint showed it to him. "Oh, fuck. The Allfather would kill him for thus." He looked up. "Heimdall, do not let him see that book please. I do not want to hear that fit." He gulped most of the beer and refilled it a third time to walk off to sit outside again. The sun would warm his chills.

Clint sat down, looking at Steve, who was shaking his head.

"If we get those tentacles here, I'm going to hide too," Steve said dryly. "I don't think I can fight dick monsters. Especially not a kraken like a bigger Mortimer made of them."

Clint nodded. "Me either. We'll let STRIKE or someone handle it."

"I don't think they could handle it either. They can handle bad missions but that's damaging, Clint. We'll let Hill do it."

Clint smirked, nodding. "We can warn her about that. Hey, JARVIS, send my report to Hill please?"

"I can do that," the AI said. "She's presently being not amused on the helicarrier trying to figure out who sent them off."

"Tell them to ask Foster who did it," Banner said. Clint turned to the part for him and handed it over, letting him go over those ideas. "Huh, on animal behavioral models," he said. "Not a bad basis as the Hulk was feral at first." He went over the meditations and diet realignment. "Hmm. It says that Summers' mother aligned his eating with her recovery from brain cancer diet. That would probably be full of certain vitamins."

He took notes for himself. Xander would want to take this cursed artifact back soon probably. The meditations were helpful too. And the post hypnotic command about trusting certain beings absolutely and not harming them. "That could be helpful too," he decided, making that note. "Though I doubt I'll have a Stark kid to call me Grr Guy anytime soon."

"My daughter did what?" Stark's pillow face cover asked.

"Apparently she always tried to calm down the Hulk and treated him like a silly grandfather. She called him Grr Guy and me Grandpa because I married her grandmother." He looked over. "It says she used to rush up and try to calm me down."

Stark moved the pillow to stare at him. "Why?"

"Because she's a Stark," Bruce said dryly. "The same reason you rush at problems to try to solve them, Tony."

"Oh, that reason. Yeah, that's a Stark thing." He put the pillow back. "Did Thor leave beer?"

"Could probably tap a new keg," Clint said. "He had three big mugs."

Stark sighed but nodded. "Then we probably are about empty. I'll tap one in a bit."

"I can," Natasha said. "It's not too difficult." She tipped her head back. "Did Hill read that report yet, JARVIS?"

"Not yet," he said.

"Prompt her to. That way we can watch the fit before we're all drunk."

On the helicarrier, Agent Hill got a pop up message about that report from JARVIS and sighed but did get into it. She reread the first paragraph then slowly went through the notes. "What the fuck?" she said quietly. Fury looked at her. "Barton found the book that the Xander convention we heard about made for the members who go. Books of problems."

Fury shuddered. "The very thought of the convention is a problem, Hill."

She looked up. "There's a world where your plots earned you a spot as a ferret with Coulson's kids while Rogers coheaded SHIELD with Banner's wife." He blinked a few times. "And Coulson was mated to a God, and was made one himself. That god was Loki's son, Xander."

"Excuse me?" he demanded quietly but calmly. "He was what?"

She let him have the report. "I've only gotten a third of the way through. Barton only sent the entertaining things, like a spell to make this world more magical that brought dragons, unicorns, and elves to the world."

He scanned the first paragraph, wincing. "So they hold it to talk about the problems they've had to handle. That makes sense even if it is weird, evil, and potentially world destroying." He went down the list. He didn't make it as far as she did before he groaned. "There's a what?" he demanded.

She looked then at him. "A diamond choker that changes your outward form? I'd want to try that to see how it worked."

"If we can find it, give it to Harris. Maybe he'll rip it apart. I doubt he could get a diamond choker on his own." He went back to scanning it, having to stop at the part where he was a ferret. "Whatever I did in that realm to deserve that fate, I'm probably very sorry for it." He went on, getting two more down before he went pale and handed it back. "I don't want to know!" He walked off, going to take something for his new headache.

Hill went back to scanning, coming to that same entry and the suggestion of who could handle it. "Yes, we can let STRIKE handle that if they happen here," she decided. "Because I don't want to deal with a hentai monster by any means." She kept going, finding more things that would warp their small world. Hopefully they kept those problems over there!

She took the report down to STRIKE's offices, knocking before walking in. "People." They stared at her. "Debriefing on a new issue that we're warned about thanks to Harris." They went to the briefing room and she put up that report. "I'm hoping that book is hidden again by now, but if not, we've decided it's your job to handle it."

She left them to read it on their own so they didn't have to hide their swearing at Harris. She was going to swear at Harris too, and shudder that Harris had become president of the US. That poor world! She added a second one to the queue for them to read about Harris ending up as president and to ask someone like him how it had happened so they could keep it from happening here.

One of the agents called Barton. "It's me. We want to see that book please. Hill put it on our shoulders." He listened. "I get that reason for the convention, even if it is creepy. Yeah, one of us can come get it to copy...oh, magical page making. Please do. Since we'd have to handle it... he is? Okay," he said, looking at one person. "Yeah, we can come ask him to look it over. Thanks, Barton." He hung up.

"Harris is Lewis's baby half-brother, people." The one that liked Lewis just blinked a few times then nodded slowly. "The book is from the conventions they hold to talk about problems." He looked at the others, who just nodded. "They'll ask if we can go over it too but it's mystical so won't photocopy or scan." That got a faster nod and they went back to the two reports. The tentacle monster got a few odd looks. They'd have to see if there was evidence of it to see how to respond.

Barton brought it up about an hour later, being slightly drunk. He leaned into the STRIKE offices, grinning as he waved the book. "We all agree, if Harris finds that choker, we're letting him keep it but we might borrow it." He tossed the book at someone's head with a smirk. "Think at a section and it'll bring up various ideas." He left whistling. "Maybe I'll get a dog," he said as he walked past Hill.

"Just don't play footsie with the Russian mob to do it," she complained, nearly completely drunk. It had been a long, bad day. She was actually on the way to sobering up when one of the agents brought up the book to show her about that tentacle monster. Thankfully she had more liquor left. She poured a drink and gulped it while shoving the book back. "You're all welcome to handle that for us."

"Gee, thanks." He went back there to let the rest of them see the special sections. They were amused at Barton's kids, and the Stark kids, but a few things were really weird. D&D spells mostly.

"Fire," one decided. "We need flamethrowers in case that tentacle monster gets made here. It works against other tentacle creatures." The others nodded it might be a good idea. They could burn that sucker before it got too big.

"Would that sort of pool really help morale?" another one asked, looking at his team leader.

"If you're stuck in a warzone? Could be."

"Huh. I never thought about pools with a lot of dildos."

"It's better than a room full of them on the walls," another one said. The guys mostly nodded at that. "Wonder if Romanoff saw it?"

"Barton sent the report, of course she did," the leader said, looking at them. "And she's probably just as drunk as Barton was."

"Yeah, I'm heading there too," another team leader quipped, standing up.

"You're on call tonight," the head agent reminded him, getting a moan and whine for that. "Sorry!" He clapped him on the back. "At least we don't have a God Protectorate of Humanity here who's Harris. Or his father dating the VP." They all nodded that was good. "We can prevent all that if we work at it, people. So let's prevent."

They nodded, getting down to figure out what they could prevent and what they'd have to fight as it happened. They noticed when the book disappeared then reappeared with a plate of chocolate chip cookies on it. They just stared at the cookies with the 'I'm sorry you had to see that' note on top. It was signed Rosenburg so they didn't want to know. When the book disappeared for good it was because someone snuck in to take it out with him to hand back to Harris. "I didn't know he was Harris' type," the leader quipped. "Huh. Good to know." They made a note in that guy's file.

***

Dawn took the book to the Sanctum, holding it up. "You cannot own it but you can make notes from it. It's from the Xander convention." Stephen Strange stared at her oddly. "It's their problems and how they dealt with them. Including mystical pools with tentacles monsters." She smirked at Wong. "It'll give you a headache, dear. It's his job to handle it if a few of the kids of the Devon coven create a spell to add more magic to the world and turn us into a Forgotten Realm." Wong moaned at that.

She grinned. "Apparently there's a herd of unicorns and malicorns in the area that showed up." She smirked at Stephen. "Someone has to make notes so someone other than Xander knows. Though some did get filtered into SHIELD after they got sent back and they're mostly drunk."

He took the book carefully to look at, then at her. "How does this artifact work?"

"By section. Think about the index on that page and it'll bring up the particulars." She grinned. "Including the part on my kids since an Asgardian goddess decided I needed to have triplets."

"That is disturbing." He went to the first page, frowning. "This hormone condition is extreme."

She smirked. "The one that helped make the book is one and he's destroyed over forty realms getting himself back. He's taken out so many higher level demons he has a seat on the High Council."

Stephen Strange winced but nodded. "Truly something only a Xander could do."

"There's thousands on his realm. And another one figured out how to turn it on for others. There's a shot. He got Reed Richards in one realm with it." She grinned.

He looked at her, going to that section. It led to another Xander, who he felt extremely sorry for. "That poor man." She nodded. He found the mention of an artifact, going to look it up. "Oh, dear."

"Xander has a duty to find that choker and protect it. Every Xander does. The one that got the first one, it was in reparation for all that."

Stephen Strange read that over and whined. "I fear that I would like to lock it up but he could probably protect it. Or use it to help protect his sister." He went back to that shot and shuddered. It had a lot of possible variations that were blatantly evil sounding. "Oh, fuck."

"Read up on Xander Lokison-Coulson," Dawn quipped, winking at Wong, who was shuddering. "Yeah, in that realm. Super bit of stress when they forced them together against their wills. Nearly destroyed all the pantheons."

Stephen Strange looked at her. "She is stronger than you."

"They had a machine that brought multiple Keys from other realms." She smirked. "They're going into her kids."

"That's..." He cleared his throat. "I saw the note where she's at war with me from another realm from hers or this one."

"Yeah. That you decided she was wrong to stop a plane crash that her mother and stepfather was on."

He swallowed but nodded. "I would not be so foolhardy here." He went back to looking and making notes. He saw one thing and winced. "Damn it. Dawn?" She looked over his shoulder and shrugged with a grin. "How?"

"The me there has many Keys. Like nine, ten of them." He slumped. "So of course they wanted to talk to their cousins." She smirked. "And that," she said with a point. "Is a Stark kid that was my niece, who was infected with one so apparently I loaned when she got displaced." She patted him on the shoulder. "She can't come to be here. NID isn't knocking up my sister by Stark."

"Thank the Vishanti!" he said. He stared at her. "Why show me this?"

"They make this at the yearly Xander convention to prevent some problems from happening. Only you can stop a few of them though. I'm told parts of SHIELD have decided what to do about the dildo pool if it happens here."

He looked that up and had to curl up on himself and hold down his dinner. "Oh." He held down another heave and made another note then moved on before he lost all ability to hold in his bodily fluids. By the time he got done, he was going to heave soon and he was ready to shit his pants. He handed it back. "Thank your cohort for me," he said quietly. "I will make sure we have plans in case some of those come into being."

"Tell him or me if you find the choker?"

"I...if I find it, yes I can." She kissed him on the forehead with a healing spell then disappeared. He showed Wong the notes, making him shudder and hug himself. "We will do what we must to make sure none of that happens here."

Wong nodded. "I'll get that choker from the vault." He went to get it and bring it back. It had been broken but Harris could probably have it fixed by someone. It got sent to his sister and they went to hide in their rooms for the night. Such horrors had to be handled before they ended humanity.

***

Agent Rollins walked into the lab floor, nodding at the guards. "Lewis in?" They pointed. "Thank you." He knocked on that door before opening it and walking in. "Miss Lewis, can we ask a few questions?"

She looked at him. "I've only seen the book, dude."

"That's fine. Can you answer a few questions about the horrors it contained?"

"Probably. If not, Xander's on my couch until tonight."

"That'll work." He leaned against the door frame. "That tentacle thing?"

"Chaos kid outbreak. They're cursed to power any chaos parents once a decade."

"Okay," he agreed with a nod. "Why that format?"

"The monster? It was him farting from mexican food on top of the pain like gas pains from the curse. It changed it from a nice pool to a helpful pool that'd pull you in."

He nodded once. "I get that. But he didn't hit it every ten years."

She grinned. "He said Asgard there runs faster. About two weeks to one of our days. That's why Calia's siblings were so old when they came back."

"Saw that," he agreed. "Could he have...." He waved a hand. "Helped it along?"

"The later one that made them work for the light side? Yup, probably did." She grinned. "But that was helpful. And the making of a godfather too."

"Yeah, if Summers has a kid here, we'll be on the watch for it to be a bit wild and chaotic."

"Her baby boy's so damn cute and he's still pretty cuddly. Philip is a great big brother, who can nag his sisters for being dumbasses sometimes, but he's a loving son."

Jane looked over. "Who?"

"The Dawn in another realm, who's married to her Clint and Natasha." She looked at the agent again. "I'm not sure if her kid here can do that same thing or not. Or if she can have kids or not. That one needed some magical work to fix a birth defect."

"Think Barton might like her?"

"Don't know. I think Mortimer thought he was cuddly." She grinned, pulling up that post to show him. "He cuddles very well."

He grinned at it. "Mortimer's cute." He handed the phone back. "Could someone take those ideas here and use them?"

"That D&D spell? Definitely. I'm told it's from the middle ages or so. The ones who did it were eco warriors who had moms in the Devon coven. We'll have a ton of unicorns and malicorns here if it does happen."

He nodded. "Okay, we could probably stop someone doing that."

"Probably not unless you caught them in the middle of it." She grinned. "And stopping a witch doing a spell usually means distracting them somehow. I like a tazer for that too. Or a succuba."

"That's not a bad idea for non-violent methods." He blinked a few times. "That tentacle monster, what if Loki hears?"

She grinned at him. "During that realm merge to stop the AI from taking out humans like his name should've been HAL, the Loki that was involved there moved that particular one to Asgard to amuse them." She grinned. "I'm told it cloned itself very nicely and a few Valhallas are not presently fully open so they don't have to get pulled into the pool."

"I'd run from that thing too." She just grinned. "If you hear it's here...."

"I'll yell as I'm running from it. I don't mind dildos, just like many women, but I'm not into sharing a group pool with them. It'd be like a touchless orgy."

He nodded. "We'd hate to fight those tentacles."

"I think that's why they called Valkyries and Amazons." She grinned.

"Yeah, they can do that here."

"No more Valkyries."

"Amazons?"

"In SHIELD? Probably somewhere. I think they expected Hill to lead them."

"I think she got so disturbed she got plastered." She just smirked. "Sure, we'll let her lead the way but she put it back onto STRIKE. We think flame throwers."

"They had to cut off the heads."

"We saw." She giggled. "We like flame throwers." She grinned at him. "That choker?"

"Xander got it sent to him but it has to be repaired. He's got a call in to someone. There is one warning. Whoever puts it on you has to take it off. That's how that Xander got stuck in it a few times."

"Does ours have that fertility curse?"

"Not sure until it's fixed but even without it, it's good enough for a woman to put on and make a baby with her girlfriend. The Hill in that realm fathered one of the kids her girlfriend had."

"Wow." She nodded. "How many can you do? Is there a set procedure?"

"Put it on and think before you hitch the last clasp. The original one, he had a binder full of looks he worked out beforehand with back stories in case he needed it, but he was a thief and assassin."

"I saw on him."

She nodded. "Ours isn't that strong."

"One hopes no one has to be."

"We do."

"So he had multiple forms?"

"Male and female. He had his own kids."

"Saw that," he agreed with a nod. "Freaked myself out." She grinned at that. "So just any thought? You could impersonate a celebrity?"

"Yup. If you can imagine it, you can change to it. Height might be a problem sometimes, not sure how that worked. Lavelle mostly stayed around his own height."

"Why did he keep going back to it?"

"His men only really loved him with tits."

"Oh, that reason."

"Yup." She nodded. "And he was the team mom too."

"That figures. All right." He rubbed the back of his neck. "If he does get it to work, can we test it?" She nodded. "He agreed?"

"He said you'd want to and he might let one person try it for a few minutes. He'd let you take pictures yourself."

"Can he get it fixed?"

"Won't know until tomorrow."

"Let us know?"

"I'll tell Clint." She grinned. "He wanted to see it and so did Natasha but she didn't want to put it on."

"I can see that. Might freak you out to be the other gender suddenly."

"Maybe," she agreed. "Penis envy is really about wanting the privileges that having one gives you."

"I have no idea because I don't think about mine that way." He nodded at Jane then at her. "Thanks. Let us know?"

"Clint can share so you can show up."

"Thanks." He left, going back to the STRIKE office to shudder in a corner. It was safe to react there.

***

Clint tried on the choker the next day, changing to a version of Natasha, who was watching. She blinked coming over to touch his arm. It wasn't the usual broad muscles he had, it was the same as hers. She looked at his chest, then lower. He nodded. "Yeah, I can feel things missing. That's so weird feeling." He took it off and handed it to her. "Here, you try."

She put it on herself, becoming Stark, then she took it off quickly to hand over. "Oh, dear."

Xander grinned. "Lavelle's used it for years to go comic conventions."

Clint blinked at him. "He went to cons?"

"Yeah. A lot. He went as a school girl a lot of times, sometimes a warrior wench, a few different costumes too. And sometimes he used it because his boyfriends hated him without breasts."

Natasha nodded. "Some men are like that." She looked at Clint. "Would you let another agent make notes on it and try it on for a moment so we can be prepared if we find another version?"

"This realm has three others. They're single strands. One's a single strand of pearls, mismatched but looks nice. The other two are single lines of diamonds. There's a less specific disguise spell that's on more things, and most are probably pendants. That's an outer change instead of an inner one."

"So it does change you internally? Like when I was a girl, I had a uterus?" Clint asked.

Xander nodded. "Because that's part of the definition of female. They have innie systems. If you don't have one available, then that can be there but not fully work on this type of spell. On a disguise spell it mostly won't show up because that's on your definition. Also, most disguise spells have a single or maybe a double alternate image. The others of this type of spell, one has five you can set, and the rest are unlimited except by imagination."

"Do you have anything on them?" Clint asked.

"Not really. That they exist. This one was a special case as it was partially godly made and gifted specially."

"Good to know." He grinned at him, punching him on the arm. "If you're teasing a boyfriend and we break in, let us know." He and Natasha left to go make a report and make themselves forget about that.

Xander tried it on and nodded then took it off and put it into the case. That could be very handy. When the agent showed up he looked disgruntled. He stared at him. "Aren't you the guy who stares at my sister in the caf? I was meaning to talk to you about her and treating her well."

"I'd never go to her. She'd kill me." He stared at him. "Really. I can look from afar."

"I'm not worried about that. But this is the shovel talk of the ages if you do get with her." He grinned. "Understand?"

He nodded. "Understood. You can do evil things."

"Oh, I'd give you to a poker debt. No telling how they'd use you." He smirked. "Could be fun to watch...could be you being eaten.... Who knows."

The guy winced but nodded. "If I get with your sister I'd never hurt her. They sent me to try that thing on."

Xander held it up. "Want me to hitch it for you?"

"I heard about that clause." He put it on and stared at himself in the mirror. Then he undid one clasp and redid it, thinking about another form. Then he did it again with the idea of turning into Lewis, and moaned when he did. "Oh, shit." He patted himself down. "How true?"

"Unless your mental image doesn't include female sexual organs, it's all there. Might not fully work without a spell though. I'd let you go masturbate to try it out, but most guys have no idea how to do that."

"I'm not lame that way, Harris."

"Good! Darcy could use a great playmate." He smirked at Darcy as she came in. The guy fumbled but got it changed to a famous actress instead.

She looked at him. "Wow. And you made my tits bigger. Most guys would." She looked at Xander. "Can you do that?"

"Yup." He grinned. "I got lessons on how to do it." He held out a hand when the guy was taking off the choker. "Remember, if someone puts it on you or it breaks on you, you're stuck until they remove it or someone fixes it on you." He smirked.

"Got it." He nodded, going to make his own report and then get truly drunk. He could still feel an after image of the tits and not having a penis. Maybe he'd pick someone up in the bar tonight to fix that so he remembered he was a man.

Xander let Darcy try it and she giggled when she became a guy version of her, nodding at herself. "It feels weird without the tits." She handed it back. "Is it low powered?"

"Little bit but if you have magic, it'll linger a few minutes."

"Ah!" She nodded. "That's cool." She went to change into casual clothes and came back to help Xander make dinner.

***

Xander met up with another of him in the main area kitchen the next morning. "What's up?" he asked when he ran into him.

"Lavelle thought you might like some samples to study." He grinned. "He wants me to spread the life vine to see if someone sets it off. He's bored this week."

"I guess we could do that. Though they're all creeped out by the pool vines."

Time traveling Xander nodded. "Us too." They shared a grin. "Also, one of our people got trapped over here somehow."

"Gotta ask Darcy's boss about that."

"I can do that if you introduce us."

"Sure." He looked at the miniature dragon, reaching over to pet him. "Hey, babe." It purred at him. "Hey, Mr. AI Overlord, this is time traveling me. Can you ask Jane if she knows where his coworker is hiding?"

"I can do that," the AI said, sounding amused. "What sort of samples are we talking about? So I can set up an examination and safe area."

"I've got a lot of them. The life vine, if you take off the roots, it grows alarmingly fast and will take over a space ship to eat all the air in it." He grinned. "We grafted them in with watermelons to get more of those once."

"Oh." The AI was mentally blinking, you could hear it. "That could be helpful in certain situations."

"I find them hella useful for space battles," Xander quipped with a nod. "Especially against the wraith since it'll break apart their really ancient ships."

"Are you perhaps from a world where Stargate is real?" the AI asked.

"I'm actually the geek to military liaison on Atlantis, dear." He grinned. "Me and my Radek and my Evan snugglies are all there. We're going back to earth soon."

"Oh, my. My progenitor would like to ask some questions about that."

"I can be here most of the day. I was going to pop back right after I left anyway. My wardrobe can do that easily."

Xander looked then at him. "At least it fits in better than a phone box." Tony Stark came stomping out and grabbed the largest mug out there to get coffee and looked at the extra Xander, who just grinned back. "This is the one of us who accidentally traveled through time and space, Mr. Stark. He was going to offer some plant based samples."

"Yup, we can do that, but I want to look at his ..." He looked at it. "Wardrobe."

"Okay." Xander grinned. "C'mon, Armand, let's go give a tour." Xander followed them. Jane got summoned and came too. So did Natasha and Clint. Clint and that Xander got into a talk about survival supplies when they ran into those storage areas. The room of candy got an awed look but Natasha refused to let Clint in there. Or the room with the stored coffee. Though Clint did get a few samples of different forms of coffee beans to try. Stark looked at one plant then at that Xander. Who just shrugged.

"It's an original line coffee plant. The beans are bitter as anything and not as caffeinated. That was bred into them later on." He handed over one purple one. "Super high caffeine. It's the Mountain Dew of coffee." He grinned. "Very handy during emergencies. Rodney warned me I had better grow a lot of this for him to use during the weekly emergencies and threats we have. You can have a headache if you don't slowly easy back to regular coffee though."

Natasha took the important plant to carry. That way Clint wouldn't try a bean to test it. The rest of the samples got put onto a rolling wagon, which the dragon liked to pull now and then. She shivered at the description of the life vine. That was probably slightly evil. And the other vine plant made her shudder. She had seen that in the video. That Xander just grinned. "Do you use that one beyond tormenting people?"

"Yup, they're actually great at fertilizing an area. I use them as a first year planting to ready the ground for more serious plants. That and my function bush both do that."

"Like from Xanth?" Clint asked then sighed at the nod and grin. "How did you get that?"

"From another realm." He grinned. "Went there by accident while on Kovos."

"Was that maybe Xanth?"

"No magic there, but maybe it's Xanth's alien cousin. One of the other demon's version maybe."

"Okay," he said with a nod. "Will it force use?"

"Yup, sure will. Helped a few pregnant people I knew who had cheese issues."

"Sure," Clint said with a nod. "Sounds handy."

Xander patted him on the arm. "That's not the strangest plant I have. We do have two different varieties of spore plants. Talk about fuck or die?" He smirked. "Really pretty but they've encouraged a few wars about who got on top of who." He patted him on the arm again. "Want one, Stark?"

He stared at him. "Will it do that to us?"

"Every six months it blooms spores. The spores will last about four days unless you have an anti-spore. I speak from experience of someone else bringing it to Atlantis by accident, and one where they sent it on purpose to get us out of there by charging us. Have a pool ready to soak out the soreness. Tylenol, water, muscle rubs, lots of lube."

Stark swallowed. "I might like to try to test the spores without infecting us."

"Don't let it into the air. It'll easily spread."

"Yeah, sure," Stark decided, getting handed a plant with silver blooms to put on the wagon. "How soon will it sprout?"

"Just sprouted yesterday, wardrobe time. So you've got about six months."

"Okay. That could be handy." They gathered a few more fruit and vegetable samples and one that was a furry looking footstool thing that Clint petted.

"That's a milk giver," Xander quipped. "Halfway between goat and cow milk. They don't eat a lot and they're really easy to keep."

"I..." Stark looked at it. "We'd need somewhere safe to put them. This is Manhattan and we don't have a stable set up." Clint nodded at that. "Unless you can treat them like a dog?"

"I put them near my cows and goats." Xander shrugged. "They do good together."

"I'd have to ask some people so maybe next year our Xander can bum one after the convention?"

"Sure!" He grinned. "They're a lot of fun for us. And it's not the unicorns that ended up on the base."

"Do we have that shield here?" Stark asked. Xander tested then nodded. "Like unicorns taking over?"

"You guys have yak looking things nearby. Like T-Rex sized yaks." He tested again, then took a special viewfinder to look through and nodded, letting Stark see it while he held it so the magic would work. Stark moaned but handed them back and went to bump his head on the wall a few times. The wall bumped him back after a few thumps.

Xander looked then at him. "They're not that mean. Big and might step on you but I'm pretty sure they're herbivores." He grinned at Natasha. "If you get dragons, not like Armand dragons but actual dragons, they're attracted to magical potential. It's like their chocolate." She nodded once at that. "Though some will steal a woman now and then to cuddle."

"I'll keep that in mind if we do get some." Xander smirked, handing over a book. "That's very handy. Thank you. Is that yak creature in there?" Xander flipped to it to let her see. "Oh. That is very large."

"Yup, but they like trees."

Clint looked over her arm. "Someone will want to ride them."

"They're fun for that." He walked them off to another area of garden space to get a few more fruits and vegetables. The AI and biology people had set up a quarantine area. Xander came out to tell them facts about the various plant samples so they could take notes.

Clint went to hide in his room and laugh for a bit but the yaks were funny.

And that spore plant had better never get out of their hands. Well, unless they intentionally planted it somewhere to solve a problem.

***

Hill got an alert of the new samples, grimacing at it since it woke her up. "What the hell is that?" She thumbed open the audio file to listen while she woke up. The life vine got her out of bed and to the shower so she could go confiscate it. When she got there, there were two labs with new samples. The life vine was in the second when she looked. She walked in and stared at them. "We'd like to confiscate the life vine sample, people. It could be used against submarines and the like."

"Nope," Stark said from where he was looking at a microscope. "Sorry but no. We can use that to graft with other plants and that could solve a lot of food crisis problems. And it's not the most dangerous in here. Don't go near the silver plant."

"What silver plant?" she demanded. He handed back his notes on that one, letting someone take it to give to her. She read it and her stomach dropped. "You cannot have that here, Stark."

"It won't go off for at least five months, probably closer to six," he said. "And with the attributes it could make a wonderful medicine to help those who're impotent or even a fertility treatment. We're not releasing it. It'll be in a glassed in quarantine case so it can be taken care of but not get on us." He scowled at her. "And not your business anyway since we're not SHIELD funded." He went back to his current sample. "This is so weird. Comparing it to normal zucchini it's like a crossbreed of it." He let the biologist look and she hummed and made notes as she compared it. "Since this grows more quickly than usual, and in more environments, that could be very helpful in food insecure areas."

"A lot of those have droughts. I'm not sure how they'd work in that lack of water, but we can breed a few plants off to test for environmental needs." She looked at the grapes then at him. "Why those? They look like normal grapes."

"They're already alcoholic."

She went to taste on and moaned. "Oh, they are." She looked at it. "I wonder how they breed."

"No idea," he quipped. "Let us know."

She nodded, taking a few cuttings to start to plant samples of a few things. She did remember to mark what they were from too. She looked at the vine in crystal then at him again. "What's on this one?"

"That is the life vine. If you remove the roots, above the white part, it'll grow extremely fast. Almost magically fast. That other Xander used it in space battles because it sucks all the air out of things like spaceships. It's only killed by fire." The biologist started to make notes. "It can be grafted and will lend that to other plants." She grinned at that news. "They used watermelons."

"That's sweet of them." She considered it. "How fast?"

"His notes said about three hours to take over the Enterprise." She moaned. "Yeah, which is why we have that. For space battles he beams it into their air ducting system, however that happens, and then they wait while it sucks things out. When it's got all the oxygen, it'll live off the air rusting gives off."

She moaned again. "So it'll be basically immortal?"

"Outside fire." He grinned. "I want to try grafting it on certain things, see what it works on, and if we can do that without doing any genetic tampering."

"I can look at that, Mr. Stark. Is that why it's in crystal?"

"Safe transport. Basically break it and throw it sort of containment."

"Oh, that's nice. Can we graft a tiny bit and then test it outside?"

He shrugged. "Use an abandoned building that doesn't have squatters. See if we can do some good by tearing it down."

"That'll be nice of us." She looked around. "Can it be planted?"

"Keep the roots on and I'm guessing put them in the soil before you break the rest out."

She nodded. "I can arrange that." She made more notes, going to look at the information given about the other samples. "Is this one special?" she asked with a point.

He looked. "That is the spore plant, Dr. Choin. Every six months it emits a spore that makes you find the most fertile partner you can and screw your brains out for four days to give the spores biological deposits, or you have heart problems." She moaned, gripping the table. "It's got about five to six months before it spews." He grinned.

"That Xander said he's seen people who couldn't perform due to it being blown off get it up." She moaned again, knees pressed together. "If we can find an anti-spore by then, we can take a sample to test the properties of it for later production and maybe synthesizing for medical use." He smirked. "It stays in a closed quarantine system. Permanently."

"Yes, sir, obviously in that case."

"According to that Xander's records, one plant about that size reduced a small city floating base of about six hundred people to screwing until they couldn't do it anymore. He suggested tylenol, lube, water, and muscle rubs with a lot of condoms. Or an anti-spore."

She nodded quickly. "We can make up a great quarantine system that'll give it plenty of sunlight for us so we can remotely monitor it."

"Up to you how you do that as long as the rest of us don't find ourselves under it. Though...I'm tempted to send it at AIM or HYDRA." He grinned at Hill. Who walked backwards out of the lab. "Have a great day, Agent Hill."

"Sending it at them would be evil, Stark."

He smirked. "Yes it would be, wouldn't it?" She walked off shivering. He grinned at the biologists who all giggled back. They got back to taking samples and notes. They were going to have a great month with all of this.

***

Hill went to Pepper to see if she could stop Stark from doing anything evil. "Miss Potts, do you have a moment?"

"Not for another hour," she said, looking up then going back to the paperwork. "Is this about the new samples?"

"He has a spore that's a fuck or die spore. He said he wanted to send it to AIM or HYDRA. I'd rather he not go evil so we have to cover it up."

Pepper burst out giggling, shaking her head. "I'll talk with Tony when I'm done with all this, Agent Hill." She smiled at her. "I doubt he'll do it until after they attack the next time."

"I'd rather he got rid of them before they hear and try to grab it from him to use on us."

"We'll make sure they can't. Or I'll help with the tentacle plant we heard about from that book." Hill went pale. Pepper grinned. "I'd worry more about him sending that over first. Or grafting it on that super growing vine." Hill nodded, heading off to go hide from that. She went back to work, chuckling quietly. She knew Tony wasn't evil but he could definitely cure a problem when he had to.

***

Thor walked up to where Tony was getting something to eat that night. "Man of Iron, we must speak," he said firmly.

"Sure, Thor. What's up?" He looked up from making his sandwich. "Are you going to complain about the samples?"

"One of ours saw you combining three of them."

Tony grinned. "We theorized it's possible. We haven't done it in a practical manner." He smirked at him. "And it'd be used in a situation where a group had to get gone immediately."

"It would be considered evil."

"I don't see evil if they're doing something like taking a school hostage."

"Nor do I. The original use however...."

"We'll keep a pure life vine in crystal in case we need it for a space battle of some kind." He grinned, patting him on the arm as he walked around him. "Some evil things deserve it, Thor."

"Perhaps but I worry that someone would snatch it from you and use it on Asgard."

Tony looked at him. "A life vine plant won't hurt your people, you make more oxygen all the time."

"That was not the plant they worried of."

"I'm told that spore plant is all over the universe."

"I have no knowledge of that."

"So come look, Point Break."

"Please." He followed him to look at the containment system around the spore plant, then at the plant, which made him go pale. "Oh, that thing." He looked at Stark. "That is dangerous."

"Yes but it might hold great medical help," Tony said. "I'd never release it on a group unless I had to."

"I know. You are not evil but that plant can be. It has started many wars."

"Yeah, I heard that. And that it's given a lot of people who couldn't function that ability during it."

Thor sighed but nodded. "That's true." He grimaced. "It used to be considered a sacred plant to a goddess of marriage." He looked at it. "Then some who wanted just the fun took it over."

"I'm told it'll last about four days without the anti-spore we're developing before it goes off in five months."

Thor sighed. "We can contain that if we do not have an antidote?"

"Yeah. That case is meant to do that. We made sure the watering, feeding, and sunlight systems are all easily usable without opening the case." He ate a bite. "Come see the others to see if you can recognize them." He let Thor look around the labs. He was amused at the alcoholic grapes. And a few other things but the rest he was wary of because it came from elsewhere with a Xander who was weird.

***

Interestingly enough, it was Bruce who tripped the problem the next time. He was looking over Jane's latest research, and tried to fix something that appeared wrong. Then there was a sound like the air exploded and sucked until he could barely breathe but he could and had to keep himself calm. "JARVIS, I'm really sorry," he called. "But where are we?"

A different voice, a bit deeper and more amused, answered. "Well, you're presently on the wrong realm, Dr. Banner. You appear to have brought most of the SHIELD building to this other realm, and the SHIELD here is not highly amused but Captain America is having a fit at his son so he hasn't heard yet."

Bruce moaned. "Shit. I'm really sorry. It's my mistake. Can we help me fix it?"

"Of course we can," that JARVIS agreed. "I'm sure you'll have a lot of help to fix that. If they're underaged and named Stark, do not let them do anything dangerous if you can. They do tend to do that."

Darcy walked in and looked up. "Hey, J-man, does that mean I'm back here?"

"You are not the Miss Lewis that had been sent over by your biometrics, but nearly."

"No, I talked to her. There was some weird bar with a weird mirror and we chatted while drinking fruity rum drinks with umbrellas. But is this the realm she appeared in? To verify, I heard a neat story about Barton's brother and a popcorn ceiling?"

"Yes, that did happen here due to Dawn. Though she is presently asleep and needs it. The children were heathens earlier."

"Hey, I totally understand that. Is Barton here and have them meet their other selves so they can share ideas?"

"I believe Agent Romanoff is a bit freaked out at her eldest son's mouth. He's a bit mouthy today but told her off in Russian and Greek. He is much like his mother." The AI sighed but sounded more pleased. "Our realm's geeks are coming. Including the you here, Dr. Banner. Miss Lewis, we can let you handle the details for a bit."

"Of course. Just the general geek wrangling?"

"Please. They do need that all the time," he said impatiently. "Sir, you really must eat today," he told Tony as he walked in.

"I ate breakfast! Liz made waffles."

"That was yesterday," the AI said impatiently.

Darcy went to get stuff, bringing it back. "Vegan, organic snack mix?" she offered with a grin. "Before he shuts you down and locks you in a closet so you can't help Bruce undo it?"

Stark looked at her. "Great, another Lewis. Go help Dawn?"

"JARVIS said she's asleep thanks to her kids." She held out the bag with a grin.

He took it to open and eat some, nodding. "Not bad." He looked at the bag, nodding as he walked over. "Okay, what did you do?"

The other Bruce walked in with a sigh. "What's happened now?"

"If we get another invasion I'm going to send the Romanoff kids to take them over," a male voice called on thin air. "With my twins leading them."

Stark looked up. "I doubt Dawn would let you."

"Yes she would," another male voice said. "It'd make them quit fussing at things with their magic."

Darcy looked up. "Xander?" she asked.

He appeared, staring at her. "Yes, dear?"

"Um...my you is my little brother. I need to handcuff him to someone so they'd take good care of him."

He grinned. "That can be fun."

"Yeah but he's exhausted and injured, again, and about to go smite the Council without my help." She stared at him. "Can you Xander cuddle him since he won't let me?"

"Of course I can, Darcy." He patted her on the cheek. "We have conventions for that." He grinned. "Where is he?"

"On my couch upstairs. Pretending he's not injured. Again. Took on a guy he named Todd yesterday who was turning into a demon."

"Ascension?"

"No, just changing into a Hindu-deity looking guy with seven arms and a forehead jewel."

"Oh, that version." He nodded. "You really need artillery for that."

"He quit the Council before he committed genocide and he didn't have any from the parade of bad ex's who think he's hot. So he did it with his axe. And it's broken. It didn't even break when we faced Hela."

He winced. "We can get it fixed. I'll go help your me. You make sure the kids behave?"

"I have no idea about kids but sure. I'll try."

"Thanks, they drive me nuts." He disappeared to go check on that him. Who was really injured. "Well, that blows." He took him to the temple with the pieces of the axe he was petting. "Guys, let's heal this me. He took on an Adavant." The other gods winced but came to help heal him and one took the axe to work on.

Darcy went to get the kids tinkering with Jane's machines out of them. "Guys, go help the adult geeks before you break it please? I know you're greater than anyone thinks but you might have to rebuild it twice to get us home?" They nodded, going that way. "Thanks. If you need it, our snack closet is there." She pointed.

They got something and went to help. She saw an elegant older woman walking up the hall talking to two Peppers. "The kids went to help the geeks."

Her Pepper, who was younger, smiled at her. "Thanks. Where's Jane?"

"I'm not real sure. Jane was at home this afternoon. She's having a spa moment because they have that dinner tomorrow."

"So not in the tower," Pepper decided. "Great. The geeks?"

"Bruce's lab. He tinkered with Jane's math."

Both Peppers sighed but went to help by nagging.

Darcy locked down the labs, staring at the kids running up the hall. "No running in the labs," she said firmly, staring at them. "It's dangerous and you could get hurt then the adults would yell at you." The duo of girls, about kindergarten age, pouted at her. "Tough. There is no running in the lab, ladies. And right now, you really shouldn't be here. It could be dangerous."

"Can we shoot arrows at it?" the blonder of the two asked, eyes wide.

"No, not this time. We can get you to the range so you can shoot some arrows if you want." She grinned. They grinned back and nodded. She took them and the two younger girls, and the boy, she found down there. She smiled at the STRIKE guys standing in there. "We're in the wrong realm. At least half of these kids are Bartons by birth, and Mommy Natasha is probably their favorite. They wanted to shoot some arrows. Can they bum a target booth with supervision?"

The head of STRIKE stared at her. "What happened this time?"

"Bruce tinkered with Jane's math. We're in a realm where my little brother is a God, and he's married to Coulson, who is also a god. And these are mostly Barton kids." She grinned.

He stared at the kids then at her. "Why?"

"Well, when couples have fun sometimes babies come into being," she quipped. "If you need the mechanics of that subject, come see me when the kids aren't around please. They probably don't need to know yet."

"I know," the oldest boy complained. "Icky, dumb shit that takes a girl," he muttered. His sisters both hit him on the arm. "Ow! I'm telling Mommy! Mean asses!"

"Language," Darcy quipped. "I doubt you're allowed to say that. Can they have some arrow time?" The guys got them a bow from the wall they used to test rookies on and let the kids fire all they wanted. And one of them stole a gun to use too but they just stared.

Dawn strolled in, not hers but a Dawn. "Daughter," she sighed. "Quit stealing guns please." She hugged her. "But you did good on the target, Lexi."

One of the STRIKE guys cleared his throat. "Ma'am, I know you're Dawn Summers."

She smiled. "Actually, I'm Dawn Summers-Romanoff-Barton, but yes." She smiled. "This is my baby girl Lexi. This is Shamira, who is a lot like her mother sometimes. This is our eldest, Philip. This is Liz Stark," she said with a pat on her shoulder. "And the other two are Allenetta and Caroline. They're the kids of some of our favorite geeks so they're honorary kids." She grinned at Darcy. "Thank you! Let me go help magically. Guys, listen to Darcy." She pointed at her. "Don't give her shit. Don't cause shit. Don't beat people even if they're evil. Just...behave. We'll hit the pool when we get home later." She grinned at Darcy. "Thanks! The triplets are with the nanny thankfully." She strolled off, going to butt in to help.

Darcy looked at Philip, shrugging some. "Get some practice in. It'll kill time." They nodded, getting back into it.

"So, they're hers with Barton," one of the STRIKE guys said.

Shamira smiled and shook her head. "No, I'm Mommy Natasha's and daddy's."

He blinked at her. "I didn't think Natasha would want kids but you seem pretty neat too." She grinned and nodded. "Go ahead and hit the targets, kids."

Clint leaned in. "Bows, light handguns, dart guns, nothing bigger," he warned. "Or else I'm letting your mother take you all shopping." They groaned but nodded and got back to target practice. Clint grinned at the guys. "The girls once stole my bow and shot Natasha in the ankle by accident. She sobbed at the proud feeling she had." He winked at Darcy. "Geeks?"

"Bruce's lab," she said with a point. "And your wife."

"Cool." He went to help.

"We saw about them in that book," the head of STRIKE said, looking at Darcy, who shrugged. "How?"

"Bruce tinkered with Jane's math."

"Ahhh," the whole group said with a nod. The kids laughed at that but did have fun with the targets.

Darcy grinned at them. "Just think, there's Stark kids too."

The STRIKE guys stared at her then went to make sure nothing would come steal a kid of any breed. The head of STRIKE paused to look at Darcy. "When you have kids, can you warn us so we can have the time to set up security protocols in case your brother's *friends* want to adopt against your will?"

"Of course. If I don't take them out first myself." She grinned. "I would have mood swings."

He nodded. "That's what we're scared of, Lewis." He went to check on the current security. He nodded at Steve Rogers, then paused to turn to stare at him.

Rogers shook his head with a sigh. "Heading SHIELD ages you," he complained as he kept walking. "I know I look old. Tony kept me up last night."

"Hey," Tony complained. "I did not."

"Yes you did. You babbled all night about nanobots." He stared at his lover, who just rolled his eyes and got back to work. He got the two mini geniuses, making them go help the plotting to fix the problem panel. "Update things later, kids." They sighed but nodded. This realm's Tony, who was so damn young compared to his, nearly drooled on what the kids could do. Steve looked at him. "Have a few, make sure the world has geeks to look up later." His Tony and the other Steve Rogers both gave him dirty looks. "Someone's got to go behind us to fix all the things we messed up."

"Don't you usually yell at us when we do that?" Calia Stark asked, staring at her stepfather. "Really, Stepmom, I'm tired of the yelling so make up your damn mind about that."

"If someone acted her age, it'd be different," her father quipped with an evil smirk. "Act like you're twenty when you're sixteen, get yelled at, daughter."

"Dad, it's not like I've had as many hoochy mama's as you did at my age. Really, I saw the film and the documentaries on how much of a slut you were. I've barely had two dates and nothing's gone on inside my panties. By the time you were my age, you had more women than years." She shot him a look back.

"So give the girl some props before she redesigns your suit on you again and this time it makes you feel like you're fat." He snorted but hugged her. "And yell at Chris for groping please. Because gross, he might like girls and then I'd have to hear about him failing his way through sex like he made himself fail chemistry."

"Really?" Tony, Steve, and Pepper all asked, staring at the boy, who ducked behind the grandfather.

"No comment," Chris quipped. "I was distracting the girl who wanted to flirt with Liz."

"Does Liz realize they were into her?" Calia asked. "She seems to be oblivious to people staring at her ass."

"No, she was getting all blushy," Chris said.

"Tip, kid. Girls like those, they're gold diggers looking for any gold panties they can find," the other Tony Stark said dryly. "They're not any good at it usually and if they are it's because they've had a *lot* of experience." He looked at him. "How old was she? You don't look old enough to date yet."

"I'm not. And she was twenty-three."

"And probably had about that many boyfriends who pay her for things," Calia quipped.

"Nah, she was an assassin candidate and wanted Liz to introduce her to her idol, Auntie Dawn." He ducked behind his grandfather again.

"Bullshit," his father said. "And next time, say something, son. I want to beat asses like that little bitch."

"Fine!"

Calia looked at her father. "You always said he'd be your mini you in the ways I wasn't," she quipped, getting swatted by her mother. "He did!"

"I did, but I didn't mean that way." He looked at his son. "You and me are having a talk about bimbos later, son. Remind me."

"Yup, next time we're in the lab together, Dad," he sighed. "Not like she did more than kiss and grope me." His father scowled and Steve drew in a breath that showed he was about to spew like a dragon. "Oops!" He ran off. "Let me check the machines."

"Stay out of my machines," Jane yelled from somewhere.

"I'm going to check them, make sure they're okay."

"Already done, kid. Come help me build stuff here." He went to do that because she probably wouldn't nag.

"Your Dawn's an assassin?" the younger Pepper asked the older one. "Ours is a nice, friendly, cheerful artifact researcher who has a tiny little kraken for a pet." She showed pictures of Dawn's instagram when she got the weirded out look.

"Aww," Pepper said. "If ours wouldn't creep out the lab I'd suggest she get one. But it might chase the cats."

"Or the roomba dog," Calia agreed. She looked. "It's adorable."

"She named it Mortimer." She let them see more pictures.

"Calia can have one to shoo off guys so they think she's weird," Daddy Tony quipped.

"I think they run from cat fur," she shot back with an evil smirk. "Keep it up, Dad. I know there was a prophecy of a teenage pregnancy from me." He glared. She stared back. Then she smirked evilly. "Some bimbo reporter thought Auntie Dawn was actually my big sister and asked me about that. I can help repopulate a third great generation of Starks."

"Don't even joke, you'd die from the yelling," Pepper said, hugging her around the head. "There shall be no pregnancies without warning, dear. Or else I'll beat you to death myself." She smiled. "Okay?"

"Fine. Even if Dad would *adore* being Grandpa."

"Hell. No," he said firmly. "I don't want to be a grandfather when I'm alive."

"I told you, you die too soon and you'll be the company ghost," she shot back, staring at him. "And *who* was it that nearly blew up the whole of the west coast trying to fight a monster of the year? Make me turn into my aunt, become the family ghost." She grinned. "Then you can ghostly nag me about my future daughter."

"That's really evil, daughter. Are you PMS'ing or haven't you eaten and slept in the last two days?" he asked, staring at her.

She smirked. "Neither. It must be all the cute, fit guys around here, Dad." She smirked. "I'm feeling like I need something hot for my first panties friend." He shook his head. "And they're not our SHIELD so Stepmom can't even yell at them." She grinned. "Hell, I could tap *alllll* the hotties and you can only complain."

"And have you put on drugs," Steve quipped with a grin.

"Uh-huh. Start me down Dad's path."

"Never mind," Steve said, getting out of the way. This was a Tony issue to deal with.

Tony stared at her. "One, don't threaten to become the slut I was, daughter. You'd hate that. Sluts don't get cuddles, they get rolled over and handed cab fare."

"I'd be the one handing over cab fare, Dad."

"Uh-huh. Second, if you did that I could disown you."

"I'd still have the stock options by the wills for your progenitors. And I've got money, Dad. A lot of money. And hey, upside, no more Stark events!" She grinned. "And no nagging in my own lab."

He squinted then huffed. "That money won't last you forever."

"I can make other things to make me money. Hell, I could sign on with SHIELD's R&D if I had to." He glared. She stared back. "Double standard much? Again?"

He scowled. "There is not. Your brother can't be a slut either."

Chris had snuck back in to get a few tools. "You said someday I'd want to play the field but I should be a bit more picky than every other girl that approaches me."

"Yeah, and did he just get yelled at for groping at his age when I'm still getting warned off about letting anyone near my breasts, much less my vaginal area?" she agreed. "Double standards are wrong and sexist. You should be yelling at him not to be a slut and me about being picky but reasonable instead of the other way around."

"Shit."

"Yup," she quipped, nodding. "Sexism is still alive and well even though you've learned better before!" She grinned a bit. "And I'm still going to tap someone soon, Dad. I did inherit *that* from you too and it probably comes on the science gene."

"I'd disown Chris for being a slut too," he said.

She snorted. "Since when? You literally told him not to go out with every other woman he met and to be a bit more picky than that."

"Girls have it rougher."

"Yeah, because our fathers are sexist assholes," she shot back.

"They talk about women more."

"So? They talk about us about everything! From our clothes to our fat to stretch marks. I won't ever get away from them talking about me because I'm *your* spawn. Or just because I'm a woman. Hell, I'm getting nagged in the press for being *smart* of all things and not a bimbo. So yeah, suck it up, sexist progenitor."

"Neither one of you is allowed to be sluts. I will put you both into therapy."

"We'd just tell them how everyone expects us to be chips off the old block," Chris complained. "I got compared to Howard the other day and I had to fake vomit to get away from the stupid bitch."

"Language," Stark snapped.

"Yay! Can't be nicer about Honey McMadam."

"Ewww, her," Calia complained, shaking her head. "She told me I should've already had at least two sugar daddies by now but I was too smart for my own good and was ruining my life by being smart instead."

Stark stared at them. "Not the time or the place since we're around normals."

"He's gotta know what's coming," Chris quipped. "If you have kids, don't turn into a sexist person. I did a lot less work than my sister, even though she pushed herself because women have to be better at everything to get the same level of acceptance. But Dad let me slack forever." He looked at his sister then at his father. "She's right. We all know she's right. Even though I benefitted from it." He shrugged and got what he needed then headed back to help Jane Foster.

"Does Liz get this?" the younger Tony Stark asked.

"Nope. Queen Liz complains they're always nagging us geniuses and let her do what she wants. And she's not a virgin." Her parents all stiffened. "He was about her own age and I ran him off before Happy got there. Like with her periods, she went on google to look things up after talking with Auntie Dawn." She gave her mother a pointed look too. "She's going to be the world's first evil overlord single mom. She didn't look up enough about birth control. Totally forgot about condoms. I had her go talk to Auntie Dawn when I found that out so I didn't have to scream at her for it. Beyond yelling that she had screwed some guy in his backyard."

"Looks like tonight's going to be a talk to Liz night," Steve sighed. "Who was he?"

"One of the heirs of a stockholder. He's not bad I guess. Pretty uncentered, doesn't have a career plan, coasts on his daddy's money, will someday turn into a tv version of an heir with trust fund." She shrugged. "I'm pretty sure his dad didn't know either because he hates Liz. That might've been to get back at his dad."

"Fuck no that'll continue," Tony said too calmly, staring at her. "Yours since you're the oldest?"

"I have to be a bit more flexible to get into those positions that look fun," she quipped. "You know very well they see the limp and take at least half my hotness points away, Dad."

"Humans are eminently adaptable, those positions aren't that fun, and they end up cramping you up," the younger Tony Stark told her. "Trust me, been there and had the back cramp the next day."

She grinned. "I like you more than my own version."

"Thanks, kiddo. Aren't you like fifteen?"

"I'm like seventeen," she quipped with a grin. "Eighteen in just nine short days. And then I'll be a master's degree holder about a week after that."

"Do not even threaten to throw a party like I threw myself when I got mine," her father warned. "They didn't have as many diseases when I was your age."

"I don't have as many supposed friends as you had then," she shot back. "Instead the campus is throwing me a birthday party." She grinned. He moaned. "Hey, Cal Sci is a lot less party hard than MIT was or is, Dad."

"Yeah, still frats."

"Yup, and two have offered me membership if I'd become their cheerleader. And only one of them meant sexually. The other wanted a geek patron saint."

"No," he said firmly, staring at her. "Hell no in fact."

She grinned. "It's supposed to be low alcohol since there's going to be younger geeks there. You were invited, you blew it off for the conference in Denmark." She smirked.

"You're taking your aunt."

"Uncle Clint could use some growling time," she said dryly. "That's what she said when I told her I had a birthday party going on."

"Fuck!"

"Yup, and if this was Chris, you'd be patting him on the damn back, Dad."

"You're more fragile than he is."

"Bullshit! The only difference is I don't walk as well. Or don't you remember which one of us took your suit and did it better?" He stared at her. She stared back. "I'm not two."

"You hate the suit."

"I do. I totally hate it and all that it entitles people to scream at you about stupid shit. I'd never want the suit. I'll build better and have been building better. Let your clone there have it." He walked around to hug her but she got free. "Quit. You tried that when I was six and I realized then it was you trying to shut me up."

"I'm not. I'm upset that I made you this bitter, horrible girl," he said, hugging her again.

"Well, men are men," she said. "It's not your fault you were born a man."

He snorted, kissing her on the head. "Neither of you are entitled to be a slut. Or Liz or Maeve."

"I doubt Maeve would. She hates being hugged," Steve said. "Though I need to have a good talk with her tonight."

"She's not old enough for that yet," Pepper and Calia said together. Pepper stared at her. Calia stared back.

"Okay, enough therapy time," Pepper decided. "We'll have a family talk tonight because we've been missing things. And you do have a birthday dinner with us, Calia. You said you didn't want a party."

"Yeah, no one wants another Stark event."

"We were going to do a family party."

"That's usually called dinner," Calia shot back. "A party means dressing up and pretending to have manners with people I'd rather shoot."

"Point. We're having the dinner the night before because you made us huff about having something to do that night."

"Yup, the campus party." She grinned. Her father huffed again.

"Why the whole campus? I would've expected the other engineering students," the younger Pepper asked.

"Oh, I saved the campus twice during something last year," she said dryly. "We only had to repair a few sidewalks thanks to my use of shields and some magic."

That Tony nodded. "And the local SHIELD office totally blew her off when she called in an SOS call. Then tried to yell afterwards until she screamed back that they had ignored them all and thankfully she was a damn Summers woman and a Stark so she had managed it without them like her aunt. Who showed up after our battle and beat the crap out of the junior agents."

"We got to fire sixteen agents, five from a hospital bed," Steve quipped. "They wisely hid from Clint until Dawn got him calmed down." He looked at his daughter. "I'm mad you've been keeping this bottled up inside but this is not the time for this. Be a heroic geek today and then we'll do group talking therapy tomorrow." She rolled her eyes but got free of her father's grabby attempts to get back to work. She sat down because she was sore again but that happened a lot in her life.

The younger Pepper looked then at the older version. "Who?"

"Himond's son."

"Reginald?" The older Pepper nodded. "I'll get him first if we have kids."

"Not if I beat you there," her Tony said. He grinned at her. "They have four kids, Pep."

"Four?" she demanded, looking at her other self. "How?"

"Well, Calia wasn't me. Then there was Liz, who was ...mystical. Then I got baby envy of myself and had Chris. Then there was a halloween party with trashy costumes and some closet sex so we have Maeve." Steve blushed at that. "I went as Aphrodite. Dawn went as a fantasy costumed warrior woman. And got Natasha into a more tasteful and covering one of her own. Dawn's was basically some body paint and a body harness with a cape Xander gave her. And a phallic level sword." Younger Tony moaned but nodded. "She had an amazing shape after having Philip. The pregnancy made her have a fantastic ass." She sighed. "I got skinnier. Dawn got more curvy."

"Dawn can rock clothes like I can't," Calia sighed. "Even though I've got minor curves."

"A lot of that is the underwear you choose," younger Pepper assured her with a smile. "Some things enhance or cover up, some are meant to be worn by tiny little things without much of anything."

"You should try on your aunt's evil gown," older Pepper agreed. "The cream one with the reverse ombre colored threads."

"I've seen her in it," Calia admitted. "Maybe I'll see if she still has it. Though there was that one corset outfit," she said, considering it.

"Do not even," the AI complained. Then he showed a picture.

"Damn," the younger Tony Stark said, looking at the older one. "You created one hell of a daughter. Smart, pretty, and mouthy. What more could a genius dad want?"

"True." He grinned at his daughter. "I'd hope that wasn't your usual fashion choice?"

"The corset did lend some support to my back." She banished the picture with a smirk. "It helped that day with all the standing since I didn't want my walker."

"You were sixteen then." Younger Tony choked and spluttered. "The fact your aunt took you goth shopping was a bit distressing."

"I looked killer and it did help my back that day."

He just nodded. "Don't remind me to yell at Dawn over that."

She smirked. "My last bikini came from there too, Dad."

"You can wear it at your aunt's pool so the younger girls don't get any ideas."

"Lexi asked me when she'd get boobs like mine." She grinned. "I told her early thirteen probably. Her poor dad." She smirked. "Maybe you can help Uncle Clint, Dad."

"Don't be evil," he warned.

"Uncle Clint, Lexi wanted to know about boobs," she called.

"I've informed him and he said she's not allowed yet," JARVIS complained. "Though she is getting nearer to that." He sighed. "You all grow up so fast, Miss Calia. I do wish you'd quit that."

"Don't tempt Liz to use her allowance to help fund the guys using the nanites to deage people," she quipped. "She already thinks her mom would like that and sees how great of a profit that could bring from the actor types."

The AI moaned. "I'll talk to her later, Calia. Thank you for the warning." He hung up with a sigh. Then he came back. "I've alerted Liz and the others that their planned party tonight is probably off due to all this. We don't want the children out and about I'd assume?"

"What party?" Pepper and Steve both asked.

"She, Cassie Lang, and a few of their friends were going to go out tonight to teen clubs. Though they would probably try to get into higher end ones with Liz's help."

"Hell no!" Steve complained. "Let me go talk to our daughter, people." He went to have a talk about common sense and not being an idiot with their second oldest child.

Calia smirked. "I remember doing that and freaking myself out with the kids from my engineering program at Cal Sci. Though I couldn't dance with the walker as well." Her father growled. She smirked at him. "That actually made it into the social media and paps problems we all have. You didn't hear about that?"

"You, extra sparring with your aunts tonight," he ordered, staring at her. "And no going to help at the lamaze center with the meditation work some of them need."

"Sorry, they depend on me. You can't ground me from my job, Dad." She shrugged but smirked. "Tonight's meditation is on wanting your breasts to lactate easily to get you into the right mindset to breastfeed."

"Do you need to take that lesson yourself?"

"Hell no!" she snorted. "I'm not into vaginal sex. Though oral sex looks like fun and Uncle Andrew said that was Uncle Clint's advice to him about how to learn to like his wife."

Tony nearly started to sob. "We need to have a talk, daughter." She shook her head. "Yeah we do. Like...as soon as this is over with so don't even try to cutely disappear. Apparently I need to set myself up as the alpha of the family again."

"Dad, Mom's the alpha of the family because you take orders too." She got back to the math work, doing something off to the side. "Okay, so we're nine realms to the right and down from our original one." Bruce nodded, coming to help with that. She summoned a book, getting it to flip through for the formula she wanted.

"From time traveling Xander. He had a formula to prevent himself from switching realms by accident while traveling through space and time." She found it and tipped her head. Then she looked at the other one. She showed them both to Bruce, who moaned. "I think it's this one by the stuff around it if my translating spell works right."

He read around both of them and nodded, picking the one she wanted. "That does appear more relevant. Okay, so let's plug some numbers into here and see if it helps." They did that and the other geeks came in to help. When the kids came in it was with dinner for them. They were helping Dawn deliver. Bruce smiled at the kids. "Thank you, guys, and you, Darcy."

"Welcome, Doc. Let's let them eat, guys. It's nearly seven so you younger guys probably are about to need nighttime ritual stuff."

Calia looked and gulped her dinner then waved a hand. "I'm outties for meditation work I promised to help with." She disappeared via magic.

"Huh," Darcy said. "I didn't know many could do that."

"She's still infected by her aunt's Key," Tony complained. He looked at Liz, who suddenly looked scared. "We need to have some big girl talk time, Liz. Make sure I remember?"

"Why?"

"Because someone told us you had a boyfriend."

"Tommy? He's not a boyfriend yet, Dad."

He stared at her. "Not that one." She squeaked. He nodded. "You, me, talking."

"Fine!"

"Thanks." He grinned.

She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Calia said she wouldn't tell."

"Chris told by accident about yours when we were chewing on him for letting a girl grope."

"I'm older than he is."

"Yeah, yay! Calia's not allowed either!" He smirked. "And no partying with Cassie Lang and her girl gang. You don't need to go clubbing like that."

"Dad! We're allowed at the teen clubs."

"Uh-huh. Watch me have Scott come stalk all of you."

"We figured he was anyway." She walked off shaking her head. "My father's turned into a prison guard apparently because I have breasts I used," she told Darcy.

Darcy looked at her. "Aren't you a bit young for that? I worry about skanky old guys who really like them young and are violating laws. I had two of those that tried me. That's why I don't wear showy things, so I don't have to deal with that shit."

"Oh, no, he was about my age." She nodded with a grin. "Getting back at his dad and it was fun." She shrugged. "Everyone stressed about it."

"That's because you have no sense," Tony yelled.

She rolled her eyes. "I forgot an important point, yes, but it won't happen again."

Darcy nodded. "I remember doing that. And going to party after things at school with some friends, getting sloshed. I have a few nights I don't totally remember from high school. All parents hate that though. It means the kids aren't any smarter than they were."

"Probably true. So you ...wear the baggy stuff so guys don't look?"

"That way they judge me on what I say instead of just attempting to stare at my breasts and talk to them. A good body will often lower your perceived IQ by at least fifty points. I had professors do that too. One got totally surprised I could ace a test in my major, which I had written my thesis on, because I was having to wear tanktops in the summer session's heat.

"Looking less stacked means that people listen to the words that come out of my mouth more often. Not totally because, guys. I had one mansplain to me about my own paper and when I agreed and asked him where he was confused by it I smiled and said that had been my master's thesis and I taught a summer seminar on it. He stomped off being mad that he hadn't been taken seriously."

"I've met guys like that and totally blown them off. I'm not a scientific Stark so therefore I'm just pretty."

Darcy nodded. "Craft an image so they have to pay attention to that, Liz. Most everyone here thinks I'm just a nice, bouncy, flirty, slightly anxious intern with a brother who's a bit of a badass. No one expects anything else from me so they don't look. So I do what I gotta do and then they all stare in horrified awe." She smirked. "That's why I don't date in the tower too."

She nodded. "That figures. Yeah, I need to do that. Mom does it with the suit stuff but that would drive me nuts."

"So don't wear women's business suits. Craft a look you like, build your wardrobe around it, and let them have the persona. Your dad and mom probably both did that. I know our Tony has one of being *the* Tony Stark, rich playboy and media whore. It's not who he is for real, but that's what people want him to be. He plays to some of it and tries to break it now and then because he's not twenty-eight anymore. He gets a lot of headlines about how the playboy does charity work, and he must've matured in there somewhere."

"I've seen that. Yeah, I can do that. That does mean shopping. Mom and Auntie Dawn could probably help." She nodded as she walked off. "Did my sister go meditate on her boobs?"

"Meditation was mentioned."

"Great. Let me go facetime our girl gang to let them know what's going on."

Tony leaned out, her version. "How did you know that?"

"Duh, Stark! I do the same thing so I'm counted on my brains and not seen on my knees." He groaned. "I could come in pretty one day soon and have everyone stare but I'd never get anything done that day. I'd hate to taze all those people for it too."

"Please don't," he agreed. He went back to work. Pepper could talk to her but Pepper had her own version of that.

Darcy went to check on Jane and the Stark kid she had helping her. "It's seven, have either of you eaten?" she asked as she walked in.

"Oops," Chris muttered, head inside the machine. "Not yet. Can we have pizza?"

"Jane, pizza?"

She blinked at her. "Huh?"

"Pizza? Chris wanted pizza and it's seven at night."

"Sure. Thanks, Darcy. Kid, what type did you want? I tend to get supremes so she doesn't nag about vegetables."

"I'm good with that just no olives please. They're gross."

"Okay, I can do that." She called in that order and got money to go wait on the delivery downstairs. She nodded a guy walking in. "I'm sorry, do we know you, sir?" she asked when he tried to push past her.

"Young lady," he started.

"I'm a lab intern and there's no admittance to the lab floor right now, sir. I'm only out of there to pick up pizza for a few of them." He looked her over. She stared back. "Yeah, I'm a woman, gee, what a shock since just over half the population is." He stared at her. She grinned. "No admittance without permission, sir. So who the frilly heck are you?"

"I'm Harold Mysner."

"Oh, your Britnay's dad. She's not here today. She hasn't been in all day and I just walked past her lab to get to the elevator. It's shut down. I have no idea where she is," she admitted. She called her. "Hey, Brit. It's Darcy Lewis, from Jane's lab. Your dad's here?" She nodded, getting out of the way. "Sure." She hung up and tazed him.

"She said her dad's been dead for ten years," she told the man writhing on the ground. The guards came to get him. She smiled at them, turning off the spikes. "Have fun with him, guys. And remember, torture's wrong." She waved as they dragged him off. She picked up the money for the pizza, handing it over and another two bucks that had somehow disappeared.

They handed over the pizza and she carried it upstairs for the duo in the machines. She put it in front of Jane, who moaned and dug in. "Chris, food." He came out to get a few pieces but Darcy made him go wash his hands. "Lubricating gel isn't good to ingest. We had that talk with Jane too." He nodded, coming back once he had washed his hands and face. She went up to the other lab. "Hey, my version of Iron Dad, we just had an attempted break in by someone claiming he was Brit's dad."

That Tony looked at her. "Brit?"

"In lab two, Stark. Blonde girl, was a sarcastic, mean girls type cheerleader who slept with the chemistry teacher to get a lower grade so her mom didn't complain about her being smart?"

"Oh, her. So her dad?"

"Her dad died ten years ago."

"So security has him," he decided, running that film so he could see them. "No idea who that is."

"Well, thought you should hear that they had him. Jane's been fed, you guys are eating thanks to Pepper, so I'm going to go check on the baby bro." She walked off.

"Does your Xander handle big demon problems with an axe?" he asked the other Tony.

"He has a lot of weapons but I know he favors his favorite axe. Yours?"

"When he can talk a boyfriend into it but they go for apocalypse battles mostly. He keeps getting injured and pissing off his sister."

"Well, maybe they can figure out weapons things while he's talking to himself from our realm. Xander has a lot of weird things in his temple." The other Tony nodded.

***

Godly Xander appeared in the middle of dinner at the Council, staring at Rupert Giles. "You know, my version of you isn't quite this stupid." He strolled closer, letting out his aura. "Or that hidebound. Frankly, I have no idea why the me here was taking care of an Adavant by himself without weapons, but I'm a bit upset on his behalf." Giles choked, shaking his head.

"Yeah he did. His sister's pissed too." He smirked a tiny bit. "We think perhaps you should take a good, long look at the faults going on. Because we're not supposed to be slayers or the only one working in New York." He glared at Buffy, making her glare back. He let out more of his aura, making her shudder and back away from him.

"Speaking as the God Protectorate of Humanity, it's probably not a great idea to put all your shit on his back, Summers. Grow the fuck up finally. It'd be a nice change. I mean, my you did. And that was before she got married." He looked at Giles again. "Quit using him as unpaid help. It's wrong and mostly evil. You're reading as tainted and I talked to Janus earlier. He's not amused either. He's presently being held back by Loki in your world." He waved a hand and disappeared.

"Oh my Goddess," Willow murmured. "Xander's a god!" She looked at Giles, who nodded while sipping his water. "How did he become a god?"

"I have no idea, Willow."

Another person appeared, looking around. "Well, I see I have sixteen marked people here," he said blandly, staring at Giles. "Don't upset my mate, Mr. Giles. It's not that nice to calm him down and I didn't want to spar tonight. Even though I do read him as being under my aegis of heros, I didn't want to calm him down tonight." He gave one girl a pointed look. "You're too damn young to be marked as one of mine. Stop it." She shrank down. "You and the tiny little redhead," he said with a point. "Are both too damn young to be marked as one of mine."

"Who're you?" Buffy demanded.

He grinned. "Phil Coulson, God of Heros." She shrank back. "They're too damn young to draw my attention."

Another Xander, theirs, appeared. "Leave the redhead alone, Phil. She had to save her village and nearly lost her life doing it. That was a human based issue that caused that. She was barely eight and I had to get there by magic to help evacuate her and the others because I was a few countries away."

Phil nodded. "Good. She's still reading a new one."

He looked at her. "Friend you saved or otherwise?"

She shook her head. "One of the other girls was upset and had a knife," she said quietly. Faith glared at her and got up to take her out of the hall to find out who.

Phil nodded. "That's good, I like how Faith takes her vows seriously." He looked at Xander. "You shouldn't be out of bed yet."

"It'll give your mate something to complain about." He shrugged, looking at Giles. "He was born that way. He's the son of Loki."

Phil grabbed his arm, making him hiss. "Let's get you back to bed before I call up Gaia and a lot of the elder goddesses who're jonsing for someone to fuss over." He gave Giles a pointed look then took them both with him to the temple. Gaia walked past him to take the young Xander to tuck in and fuss over. The ladies from Valhalla that worked in the temple while they rebuilt helped a lot.

"I should go help my sister before she gets a bad idea and goes to date one of my ex's, who'd probably want to ruin her."

"I can watch over Darcy," Phil promised. "I have to go talk to some Stark kids anyway." He looked at his mate, who blew a kiss. "They should have it fixed in two days. Can you talk to Scott Lang?"

"Of course I can." He grinned. "I like the guy. He's neat." He grabbed a new lego set and went to find him. They were in the lab so he pulled Scott over to help him build this. "We should talk about the talk Stark had with his eldest and second kids earlier. Including that Liz has had sex with someone on purpose and their girl gang is getting a bit flirty."

Scott settled in to help him build stuff. "How flirty was my little girl?"

"You should look Liz up on social media. Or haven't you been tracking them to the clubs?"

"It's mostly been teen clubs and I texted suddenly whenever they were doing something stupid."

Xander patted him on the back with a grin. "They were in a college club last weekend. And they know you're tracking them somehow due to that."

"A college bar. Really?" He looked that up on his phone while he and Xander built stuff. "Well, someone's going to be grounded. I should tell her mother." He stared at him. "Liz slept with someone?"

"One of the shareholder's sons. He wanted to get back at his dad's viewpoints on Liz. She had a total brainfart and didn't remember condoms but she's been nagged about that a lot today." The two guys shared a smirk. "They're working on this realm merge at Stark Towers in New York. Calia promised to become a slut. Chris has let someone grope him. And Tony's a bit lost. Calia had to point out he had sexist viewpoints about Chris and sex and her and sex."

"He probably does. That seems to be common, you want to protect your daughter more than your son. I'd probably have to stop myself with that too." He put another piece together. "What else is going on?"

"Well, I had to hand myself from here to the senior goddess nagging society. He took on an Adavant by himself with his axe. That's supposed to be a team job with higher weapons. So he's really injured. We healed that and the leftover poisoning he had earlier. Thankfully his sister asked if we could help him and Xander cuddle him into being okay."

"His you has a sister?"

"Half and it's Darcy Lewis." He grinned. "She totally told Liz about how to have an outward persona earlier." He added his turret he was building, making Scott grin and add to that structure. "But Calia did tell her dad she could tap all the hotty SHIELD agents around them since she could get the ones from that other realm so Steve couldn't fire them for it."

"I'm pretty sure Cap could scare them away from her, even the one that is in that realm. They have one, right?"

"He's barely gotten Bucky back, they're about fifteen years younger." Scott moaned but nodded. "And they don't have kids yet. But I did have to go talk to the Council there because that me walked before he went on a killing spree. Phil said only sixteen of the girls at dinner tonight were marked as his."

"He's over heros," Scott said, pausing his building to consider that. "How many were at dinner?"

"At least thirty." They shared a look. "He yelled at two young ones for being marked as his but that Xander got sent to defend one who had to defend her village from human assholes. Then she admitted the more recent marking was because she was talking one of the other girls out of using a knife on herself."

"Huh." He nodded. "That's a good reason to have a hero's marking, yeah. Do we still have a Council?"

"Disbanded by England by force after they tried to get the Russian mob to pick up Dawn so they could sacrifice her." They shared a smirk. "Which is why Dawn fought back against them for years. And still is. I wonder if her husband knows that they showed up again." He added a few new bricks. Then he grinned at Scott. "By the way, Cassie? She's got a partial marking with two of the ones that Phil can read." Scott winced but nodded. "I'd suggest a dad talk."

"Oh, there's going to be a dad talk," he assured him with a nod. "A lot of dad talk. Her, me, the new stepdad. Yup, lots of dad talk. I'll leave her mom a note so she won't think I kidnaped them." He got back to building. "Thanks for bringing me something to ease the temper, Xander."

"You're welcome. I like you. You're like an older version of me if I had gone into college stuff instead of building stuff."

"You are kinda like a kid between me and Luis." He shook his head quickly. "Which brings up really bad thoughts about the pregnancy and all that."

"That lab in England has you both on their lists but I don't think together." Scott stared at him. Xander grinned and nodded. "Yup! Has one of Phil's girls on it too. They think Danielle will make a great superhero mom when she's older."

"She's more likely to kick their asses herself."

"Craig and Danielle aren't nearly as militant as the older set of twins. They'll go destroy things. They *are* Phil's kids." They shared a smirk. "But yeah, they have you on a list and I think they may have sperm."

"I'll talk to Barton about that tomorrow. Does he need to talk to his daughters about clubbing?"

"Philip hates clubbing in the teen clubs he's allowed at, thinks alcohol is nasty thanks to tasting some wine coolers, he hates the aftertaste, and thinks people getting high is stupid because his Mommy Natasha taught him how weak it made you. Lexi and Mira aren't old enough yet. Thankfully. And the minor trio will be hell when they're old enough. They're flirty like Mom." Scott winced.

"Dawn's going to have a stroke when they try to go clubbing the first time in some of her old clothes. The chaos gods are going to be powered for *ages* by those three. Even better than the chaos kid outbreak curse does. And with Loki being a godfather...." He grinned. "Ares will have to wear that extra energy out somehow. Maybe I'll get another sibling out of it."

Scott patted him on the back. "That's a weird kid to think about. Chaotic war god?"

"Ares did have Cupid."

"True. And Loki had you. So maybe one of those bards that used to get all the attention or a musician that's got a ton of fans for some odd reason?"

"I wonder if they'll send them back to do K-Pop," Hank Pym asked from behind his newspaper.

"Could be," Scott agreed. "Though I would've expected heavy metal." They got back to building together. Hope had called Dawn. Hank had sent Stark an email. So they'd handle things and his temper too. Scott finally picked up his phone to text Luis about going to kidnap his daughter and her stepdaddy so they could talk. Luis protested but he told him about how he had found out she was in adult clubs with Liz, it was on social media. He got back a 'we'll get them in the morning so they're not tired'. He sent back a thank you and put his phone down so he could get back into building with Xander.

***

Phil heard that conversation and checked on Danielle. Then he went to tell Maria about that. "Xander said that lab in England is back and wants you to be a grandmother to someone who wears spandex."

"I was going to enjoy tonight, Phil," Maria Hill said dryly. "Thank you very much for ruining it."

"They think Danielle will make a *great* hero mom."

She ate a bite of dinner and chewed, staring at him. Then at the girl in question. "Nope," she said when she swallowed. "I'd kill them for that."

"Do we know where the older two are?" he asked.

She dropped her fork to stare at the younger two, who shrugged. "I thought they had a class thing."

Tara did a spell to locate her errant offspring. "Why are they at an airport?"

"They heard first. I can't get to them there. They've gotten a good story and it'd break security at the airport and shut it down for a few hours."

"If they leave the country they're in deep shit," Maria said, calling that in. "It's Hill. My eldest two are at an airport in New York going to take out a lab in England. The same lab that wanted to make baby Avengers now wants to make hero babies with the next generation, including my daughter Danielle. Go stop them from leaving the country and bring them in so we can have a reality talk with my spawn please." She hung up. "Thanks for the warning, Phil."

Phil hugged Tara. "At least those two aren't trying to club like Liz is." Tara moaned, shaking her head. "Everyone's talked to Liz about that today." He disappeared.

"Eww, you can't be a mom. I don't want to see that grossness," Craig complained.

His sister glared at him. "For that I'm having multiple babies so you have to help me with them and change diapers like Calia used to for us." She stuffed her mouth with a huff.

"Feel lucky, the twins might feel it from each other," Tara told him. "And suck it up because that's her decision about her life, not yours to make. Though it shall not happen until after she's gotten through college. For either of you." They nodded, going back to their food. She looked at Maria. "Are you going to let agents hustle them out of there?"

"Hopefully they'll send someone good because our eldest two are better than half of SHIELD already. It's pathetic that so many agents are worse than teenagers." She called her desk, finding herself there. Maria had to fight her own workaholic tendencies to save her marriage, of course the local one shared that same bad trait. "I've requested that agents go stop my eldest two from leaving the country to take out the lab that wants to breed better heros to save their sister's virtue later on."

She listened. "They are better than that. Well, their dad is Phil," she said dryly. "Thank you for sending good agents. I forgot how weak some of our lower ones are until the wife reminded me." She hung up. Tara smiled and gave her hand a squeeze for delegating that task. Maria had really learned how to do that in the last few years.

***

The other Maria Hill blinked. "I had kids with Phil?" she muttered. She looked that up. "Oh, her wife had kids with Phil... and I fathered one of the second set...huh." She nodded, putting that file back. She called up current locations and found agents trying to get to the kids and being unable to do that subtly without shutting down the airport. They weren't leaving for another two hours so she had time. She considered it. Then she decided on something.

Those ones had brought Daisy but apparently she wasn't their father's protege in that world. She called up STRIKE. "Go rescue Coulson's kids from JFK please. No, he had them with my wife from that realm. They're going to take out a lab that wants their younger sister to breed better heros from so they're heading to England to stomp on them. Their mom wants to have a talk with them. Thank you. Yes, JFK. They leave in two hours. The current team tried and got avoided. Thank you."

She hung up and sent a message to that team in the airport to watch them for now, that STRIKE was coming to escort them to that talk about sense, common and otherwise. It was sad that so many agents couldn't pick up two kids, even Coulson's kids, with a team of six agents. And one mutant or whatever. She felt sorry for that other SHIELD and how far they had fallen. Maybe they should turn Nick Fury back from a ferret to let him train those groups himself while being watched for other bad thoughts since he had started that lab's plots.

***

Strike Alpha walked into the airport, nodding at the security guard heading their way. "Runaway kids of agents who're going to stop a problem their parents haven't yet," the leader sighed. "And they might manage it but it'd cause an international incident and that's my job, not the job of two teenagers. Are they under watch or corralled somewhere?"

"Under watch, Agent..."

"Commander Rumlow." He smirked. "Head of STRIKE Alpha. Usually we do hostage extractions." The guard smirked but led them use the back corridors to get to that gate area. It'd cause less panic and less notice on social media. He walked over to stare at them. "Your mother called in ...." That kid pointed. "Really?" He took their pictures and their mom sent back that was them. He held up the phone with a smirk. They groaned. "Let's go talk, kids. You can't take my job."

"We're protecting our sister and they've been trying this since we were born," the female of the two said.

"Yay! That's my job. Your SHIELD apparently is too weak to stop it on their own. C'mon. Let's go. Before I have to bring the rest of the team to escort you off like you're diplomats." They groaned but did go with him. The rest of the team fell in around them. Once they were in the SUV, he looked at them. "Disarm. I can tell a knife on each of you and a holster. How did you get it past security?"

"Magic," they said together then grinned. They did disarm. The girl was carrying her mom's favorite backup gun, and a few clips. The boy had a few of his own and a few knives. The rest was in their bags. The others packed the weapons into the bags so they could be handed back.

They could have a talk about that lab, what the problem they were stopping was, and how they had planned that. Yup, that was a STRIKE job, not a teenage kid job. He handed them back to Maria Hill and their other mother, who was pretty but delicate looking. He looked at her. "You left that lab alone?"

"They wouldn't let us blow it up. We've stopped them a few times but they keep rebuilding. England likes it because it gives them hope of getting their own Avengers team." He just nodded. "You two are going to the temple tomorrow in punishment. You're getting a full weekend of agent training." They groaned but nodded. "Including that obstacle course too, yes." They sighed but nodded, looking down. "Weapons?"

"In the bag. Once we got into the SUV so we didn't break the security guys' balls for missing the magically hidden stuff."

Tara looked at the children. "Were we breaking a few rules, kids?" They shrank away from her. "I'd run for our car and be in there by the time I get there." They ran off together. She smiled at him. "Thank you, Commander. Let me go yell at my children."

"They're good. We need to have our Coulson have a few."

Maria smiled. "You can suggest it. I hear yours may be dating Melinda May." She smirked. "And you can go with the kids to the agent training if you want. Our Xander runs it at his temple."

"I wouldn't mind. As long as we don't get stuck if they manage to unglue us tomorrow. What happened to STRIKE in your world?"

"We found out about HYDRA thanks to Dawn and took them out quietly. We kept Sitwell, you're running the hidden parts of SHIELD, and Rollins retired after an injury to his hip two years ago that made his boyfriend sob on his chest in the hospital until Jack nearly had a fit and they had a fight, then Rollins decided to retire."

"Awww. Jack would appreciate that probably." He smirked. "Yeah, let's try your newbie course, Hill."

"We'll get you at oh-nine-hundred." She walked off pleased with that. She'd hand him files on what they had done and what he was doing now. They had a new team for STRIKE but their Rumlow was disgruntled at how weak they were.

***

Brock looked around the combat area and nodded. "Nice. Sparring practice?" he asked the man there. He had a gold marking on his forehead.

"Indeed." He smirked. "Then the obstacle course." He stared at the children, who huffed but went to drop their bags so they could come back and get ready to be kicked around during sparring practice. Phil came down to talk to his children about how they were too young and he hated that idea. That was his job, not theirs. The STRIKE teams got to watch that parental ass chewing and be amused at it.

Xander strolled down with John behind him drinking some coffee. "Morning, people." He stared at the kids. "I didn't know you were Harris' instead of Coulsons." They pouted. "Yeah, suck it up. You turned into my kids instead of his. Do you want to keep hearing about this for the next fifty damn years?" They shook their heads.

"Then remind yourself your father's one of the best and sneakiest agents ever and trained the others. Use some damn stealth, kids. Beyond calling in help from some Brit agents he knows." They sighed but nodded. "John, please work on their hand-to-hand since they're so young and stupid and overconfident. We'd hate to see them in the hospital so they'd better be good enough to not get injured and to be able to avoid us afterward. That takes stamina."

He smirked. They went to the ring off to the left with John. He grinned at the others. "Welcome to my temple. This is Master Teal'c. He's a former Jaffa warrior, he's been doing this longer than most of you combined, and he's so badass I know war gods who can't beat him. Have fun!" He walked off with Phil to nag his stepkids. They hadn't even asked for his help and he was upset about that. He grinned at Phil. "Do they still have the me from there tied down?"

"Yes they do. The ladies are enjoying fussing over him and told him if he didn't get better they'd let the Valkyries do it too. Alana was looking forward to having something to nag, she said she's rusty at it."

"The girls have shaped up a lot under her."

Master Teal'c smiled at the waiting ones. "Come, let us see how you measure up."

Brock pointed. "You two are our worst. We'll work our way up so he's amazed that I let you live with being that weak." They glared but they were new and came to spar. It lasted about five minutes. Brock was amused. Yeah, this was a good trainer. Teal'c was barely sweating by the time he got his turn and he lasted a good half-hour. They were both sweaty and bruised. "We need you to come fix our weaknesses."

"If I'm in your realm I may be honored at that appointment. I have no idea where he is though." He bowed. Brock bowed back. "Get water and we'll work on the weaknesses you all show." They did that and came back to get their asses kicked. The two that came to help him with it, they were just as good and about as scary. They all got lunch and then the obstacle course.

Brock pulled out his phone. "I'm taping the first two over it so we can get this. We need something this tough to train ours." They all glared at him but he smirked. "STRIKE needs it, people. They'll let us set up a yard." They groaned but the first two over he did tape. And then the third one too because the first two didn't make it.

The third managed and it was good. He was happy with this set up. It was like a playground for badass commandos. When his turn came, he managed to make it most of the way without tripping but he self corrected easily enough and made it across to ring the bell.

Xander looked over with a smirk. "Time allowed is forty-five minutes, guys. No one passes it without regulation time or under." He waved. "Go again until you get it. I'll give you until I have to put you back." They nodded, going back over it. They took a few different routes, learning from the earlier mistakes. Only four of them made it in regulation time, and one of those tripped a teammate on purpose to make it. That one got to go an extra time by himself.

Then the teams got to go together to help each other. The top three teams made it under regulation time. The other two...well, they almost made it at time. They could work on that. They got more water and went back to work. They had to be better than the two teenagers who made it over just in time. STRIKE had to be the best. Xander handed Rumlow plans for the obstacle course, getting a grin back. They could use that.

He didn't understand how SHIELD had gotten so weak with skills set this high.

***

Rumlow looked up that night as his other self showed up and shook his head with a smirk. "How on earth did you fall down that hard?"

Rumlow stared at him. "We had to split SHIELD and we got a lot of weak trainees." They walked off to talk in private about things. There was a lot they could share to make both SHIELDs stronger. Though the one Brock had to wince at the newbie agents who pouted about things. He'd hate to see recruits that weak.

***

Darcy walked into the lab when they had put the other group back, hauling Chris with her to hand back in return for her Xander, who got handed back in handcuffs by their Phil. "He was still helping Jane."

"It's terrifically scary science so of course he did." He hugged his nephew. "C'mon. Your dad's cooking out." He nodded at Darcy. "He's better and his axe will be back soon as it's fixed. Thank you, Miss Lewis."

"Welcome, Coulson, and you have some really neat kids."

He smirked. "Not all my doing. Tara has majority custody." He closed the portal and walked the boy off to talk to him about not hiding from his parents. He might've gotten stuck and then his father would've had to redo the merge to come get him.

Darcy looked at her brother, putting him on the couch. "There, you rest and hide from the scary goddesses who wanted to mother you." She kissed him on the head. "Want lunch?"

"They fed me a lot."

"Awww. Healing does take cookies." He nodded, settling in to watch tv with her. They could relax and hope that there wasn't a third one.

The End. I think.