Two Harrises and Two Halves (and A Convention)
Xander sighed as he came off the elevator on the Avengers floor, getting a few dirty looks. "Okay, we do not need to panic but someone was going against Jane's portals to see if they could outdo her. We're presently primed for a realm merge of some kind. I'm *absolutely* hoping it's not a full one. But we should not have to panic.
"Jane's measuring against the convention realm to see which one we're joining to because I felt the convention coming tingle that usually means that realm's opened." He took a deep breath, smiling at the staring. "Yeah, we hold a yearly Xander conference. It appears the realm we're merging with has another me. I'm kinda hoping it's one of a few of us."
He looked at Thor. "You may not freak out at one. Because your nephew can probably help us more than anything. If not, maybe President me's realm would be best. Because those ones, they'd call us to come help and two Xanders can usually fix things quickly."
"Hold up," Stark said, holding up a hand. "How do you know we're having a realm merge. JARVIS, call Foster."
"Jane said that we're only partially merging," Darcy's voice said a minute later. Xander said a loud prayer. "It appears the helicarrier was the center of that." Xander groaned. "But they went to a world that feels like the third one you noted."
"Oh, thank you, Goddess," Xander moaned, looking up. "That's President me's world. We'll be called there to fix it." He looked at his phone. "Sorcerer, Xander Harris. It's super important, don't hang up. The helicarrier and whatever disappeared just now, it's in a realm that can help more from over there. Let them do most of the heavy lifting. Well, because there I'm the former president of the US and they tend to call that me out of bed for any weird things that take magic," he said dryly.
"And I'm not sure if you can fight it from this side if you can't get the one who did the portal itself." He listened to the choking. "Jane tested against the energy signature. They've got plenty of magic and sensible magic users over there. Including a Willow who went scientific to be with her snuggly asshole husband. So just monitor it and add in if you feel you have to. Thanks." He hung up and sighed in relief. "Oh, that's a good thing. Darce, Jane need any help?"
"Nope, she's monitoring heavily right now and is muttering about magical idiots."
"Yeah, that one? Yup, sure was. Okay. So minor crisis, might be aware that they'll have to pop back here and some people will be panicking," he said, looking at Stark then Rogers. Then he grinned. "At least we don't have to do the heavy lifting from this side. We don't have as much free roaming magic to take from over here." He walked off happier.
"Hold on," Clint yelled, getting up to gather the young idiot warrior. He walked him back to the sitting area, sitting him down by pushing him into it. "We want to hear about this convention stuff, Harris." He smirked. "How on earth did you get to be president at your age?"
"Oh, well, they're temporally ahead and I've already taken out all the reasons for that work here." Clint stared at him. Natasha pulled him back into a seat. "Um, let's see. My manual's...." He got up to get it and brought it back. He sat back down to flip through it. "Ah, there we are."
He held up a picture. "This type of demon are super peaceful. They decided the only way humanity was going to have peace was to take out every single higher government officer from every single country, with about three exceptions they couldn't find and got later." Steve reached over to grab the book.
"So the Pentagon here did a momentary take over to start a new election cycle early. They voted and put a lower level general in the white house pro tem until the election and he told everyone that from day one so they knew he wasn't doing a military take over.
"Frankly, if O'Neill had, no one would've minded after a few weeks anyway. They voted for him, when he wasn't on the ballot at all, into the presidency. Twice." He grinned. "We, the Council there, had to brief him about all this stuff because he only dealt with alien things."
Stark choked. "Stargate," he moaned.
Xander grinned and nodded. "Yup, and when they helped him make a VP choice of someone who was an actual former senator, the gou'ald took her out thinking she was O'Neill. So he named Sheppard, who was the head over Atlantis, to be his VP. And they fell in for Council battles. Which meant Sheppard got noticed as a warrior who would protect people." He smirked a tiny bit.
"The original slogan for O'Neill online, before he was aware he was going to be pushed into the job for real, was 'what's the most protective being, a general!' slogan. They went to 'what the next best thing to a general, a colonel' when O'Neill ran out of time. And unfortunately I had gotten seen at a few battles as well, including saving Sheppard a few times over the years.
"So I got nominated as the VP from a bed at John Hopkin's for liver damage after a battle and being tortured. Then they didn't let me go either, even though I begged greatly and a lot of evangelicals hated that I was dating an agent out of Colorado. They gave him a lot of hell when they got married but he proved he wasn't the bitch to fuck with and he begged to be let go at the end of his one term.
"So they inconvenienced a hunter to make sure the US was protected. Dawn Summers was that one's wife, put together by angels no less. So if it's weird and magical they call that me. If it's demonic and just a funny looking one, they called me. If it was a higher and possessing sort they called Sam out of his bed in the White House or his brother. And the show with them really doesn't show that stuff." He grinned a bit. "And if it's aliens they try to hit O'Neill or Sheppard, depending on who's on planet at the time."
"Did they do blow up the UN or something?" Clint asked.
"Nope. Mostly individual things. A few were shot, a few were blown up by remote device. The me there and his slayers helped take down the rest of that group of demons on this plane. They had warned but the Council had just been blown up so no one took it for a real threat and ignored it." He shrugged. "Most countries did work toward more peace with who they elected at first. O'Neill was very good at briefing everyone he could when he found out what had happened."
"How did they do that in somewhere like England?" Stark asked. "They have some that are hereditary."
"They let them figure that out while Prince Charles took over as the PM while elections were restarted quickly. Ours happened at the normal time for the full election. Primaries were pushed back because it happened in the spring. He said the ones in the US ran for the unexpired term limit on the seat.
"O'Neill asked a few retired supreme court justices that came back temporarily to close out anything in front of the court and to handle any questions about successions. He did good making sure the people didn't panic too far. The Pentagon had already come on the news to threaten whoever had done that when they heard it had happened in other countries."
"So they put in a temporary president who ran actual elections and didn't want the seat," Stark decided, getting a grin and a nod. "And he didn't run?"
"No. They totally wrote him in everywhere. People were soothed that he was honest, blunt, didn't give a fuck about opinions that didn't matter, and protected them all. They didn't know about the aliens but... it'd be like you taking over if that happened here. You'd be the guy that would calm them down, put things back to moving again, all that." Stark nodded that was true.
"They didn't find out about aliens until his second term, after he had married Buffy. They joked that eating steak got you elected to things because he was out having steak with a few Pentagon friends when he found out he had won the primaries on both sides by over sixty percent. He tried *really* hard to escape that duty but the people spoke loudly."
"Are there those sort of demons here?" Steve asked.
"Not anymore and I've warned people not to let them through because of what they did over there. That's one reason we have Xander conventions." He grinned. "To share problems. Like the one where I'm raising some kids Willow pulled from a movie and deaged, and someone had made a D&D spell to make the world more magical and more green."
"Like elves and things?" Natasha demanded.
Xander grinned and nodded. "One on this coast from up in Canada, one of the island states of it, down to Kentucky. The one in Hawaii stretched to Vegas. That one they created a tiny hellmouth to suck in the magic so it'd drain it down slowly over fifty years. The elves were mostly in LA."
"They do like them unnaturally skinny out there," Bruce quipped but looked depressed. "Did they have dragons?"
"Yup." He grinned. "One of the ones that went, he's a cursebreaker and he brought books on how to handle magical creatures so they'd know how to handle dragons and the herd of unicorns that lived here in the city."
"A cursebreaker, like in Harry Potter?" Stark demanded, sitting up.
"Yup. He was Harry's great-grandfather if I remember right." He grinned. "He's a Dumass. Two 's' at the end, unlike the author. He got hit by a curse on a dig and got deaged to be put in Sunnydale as us."
"Crap," Stark sighed, rubbing his forehead. "Anything super weird in there that I should be warned about?"
"Well, Thor's going to be mad. In one, Xander Lokison-Coulson is the guy over the protection of humanity. Uncle Phil, his true mate," he said to Thor, who moaned. "Was the God of Heros. The Shield of SHIELD basically." Thor slumped. "His Loki had his me with a Hindu river goddess who was cranked mentally. Though his Loki was actually a true mate to Ares. Aphrodite made sure after they were broken up."
Thor stiffened. "He was what?" Xander grinned and nodded. "True mates?"
"Like elemental sex is the shit according to that Xander." He smirked. "That me and his Phil managed it a few times and in a few ways. Loki and Ares foiled each other well and could handle it in one manner."
Thor moaned. "That's a myth!"
"To them, it's nice when it happens on a Thursday, or when Xander finds that wing spell again and puts it on them so they can fly for foreplay." He shifted to face him better. "They made him the God Protectorate of Humanity when he broke out in powers. He had broken out hard but he had gifted titles in each pantheon but his own because Odin hated him for being Loki's son and good as the western villages guardian." He smirked evilly. "Since they still have chaos god powering by their kids...." Thor shuddered, getting up to walk off hugging himself.
"Are the others as evil to mental states as this you is?" Bruce asked.
Xander grinned at him. "Doesn't that depend on the day usually?" He got up. "But at least I'm not a GHS member." He strolled off after getting his book back.
"Nope, I need to see if we need to make plans for that," Stark said, getting up to get it back. "Let us stare at this and get drunk about some of it, okay?"
"Sure. If you want. That's why we make the problem manual. And I'm still looking for the choker here." He went back to help his sister and her Jane.
Stark flipped through it, groaning at a few things. "GHS is a hormone condition." He kept going, finding that D&D spell. "Here's the spell to make the D&D problem." He found the section from Loki's son Xander. "Um... they forced them together against their wills. So I'm pretty sure there were a lot of fights."
Natasha reached over to grab it, staring at it. The first problem was warning about godly dinners and announcements during it. "He had children." Clint looked over at it. "With a friend that our Xander lost." He took the book to look at. He held it up to her, making her wince at that. "Oh. Well...." She cleared her throat. "Interesting."
"What?" Steve asked.
"In that realm, he and I were with Dawn Summers," Natasha said. "It had a family picture of our three children, and a warning about fantasy warrior women armor being responsible for the last two." She cleared her throat.
"Why is my son in a kilt?" Clint asked the picture. It changed with an update. "Um... it mystically updates itself?" And there were more kids. He read the section under it now, holding it up for her. Then he grinned at Thor. "Apparently some Asgardian minor goddesses made Dawn pregnant with Natasha's triplets after our earlier two with her and one out of Natasha." Natasha was muttering at the book.
Clint looked at her. "Ya think? See the warning below that about our son and his make up skills?" He smirked a tiny bit as he looked at Stark. "Your second one apparently talked your third one, and only son, into thinking he had to be a girl to fit in. He helped with Philip learning to pass easily. By the new notes, they're good enough they do the family makeup and Philip does the nails and hair." Natasha was moaning and shaking her head.
"But your first kid, with Buffy Summers, and then your third kid, the son with Pepper, were both geniuses. Your second was Pepper's kid by mystical implantation but you claimed the future evil one and the baby was Steve's with Pepper because they made you get out of the lab together." Stark let out a moan as he tensed up. "Your daughter passed you by and all you did was yell at her for her red bull habit."
"I'd hope any kid of mine would be better at things than I am." He took the book to look at, moaning at the pictures of his family. "Fuck!" Steve snatched it to look over. "Pepper may not see that, people." They all nodded at that. He looked at Bruce. "Somehow the Summers' mom lived through the cancer and you two ended up together but she and Cap headed SHIELD after Fury's plots got him turned into a ferret Coulson's kids were watching. And you helped mentor the kids."
"I would if you had kids," he promised, looking amused. "I married?"
"Yup. Happily by the notes. They put in how they helped you have a non battle change stage and how you got calmed down, the meditations and the like. You can have it later if you want, when we're all stupidly drunk."
Natasha looked at him. "I don't think I can drink enough to forget that book exists."
Steve looked at her then at Tony. "I don't even want to know how we got together," he said firmly but quietly. "You'd drive me nuts, Stark."
"Aww, you wound me," he shot back, then glared. "Ditto." He took it back to go back to looking at problems. "Huh, there's an evil Xander. His name is Lavelle." He looked at Bruce, then at Clint. "He was given against his will by some of the Council people to hopefully stop a problem and fought his way out of Hell. So he became a knight on that side and ended up making friends that somehow became a world wide conglomerate issue. And if that's the choker, it can change form enough that he had kids."
Natasha nodded once. "Charming," she mouthed. She tipped her head to look outside then looked at them. "The sky is back to normal. JARVIS, is the helicarrier back yet?"
"Yes," the AI said. "It appeared about five minutes ago. Sir, perhaps you should do something about your blood pressure?" he suggested delicately.
"Yeah, once we're not on alert for problems, I'm going to drink it to zero," he complained. He flipped a few pages later, staring at it. "Oh, that's on Dumass." He scanned it and then sighed in frustration before going on. "How in the hell do they hold a convention of them?"
"On a realm that connects but is mostly closed off," Natasha said. "It'd be the only safe way."
Stark stared at one. "Here's a full three pages on the way Rosenburg had changed him in multiple realms. Including into a demon." He frowned but moved on. He finally handed the book back to her and went to lay down on a free couch to cover his face and not think for a few minutes. "Pepper is not to see that."
"We can let Harris hide it after we copy certain parts," Clint said, taking the book from Natasha's limp hand. He looked at that. "Huh. Stark, did you have a plan to save us from being overworked?"
"I saw that," he noted. "I'll make sure it can't happen tonight once I'm sober."
"Thanks. Can we search out that group?"
Stark looked at him. "They'll still probably try to blame me even though I had nothing to do with it. So if they're going to be rescued I can't help, it'll be counterproductive." That got a nod and the two assassins looked over that problem. "And Bruce, in that world, apparently you were sweet on our redheaded coworker."
Bruce looked at him then at the duo, who nodded. "No offense, but you're not really my type, Natasha."
"None taken. It's weird to me as well. Though Clint had a hidden family."
Clint nodded. "I'd definitely do that. It'd keep them away from Fury's plots." He looked at Natasha, who shuddered back, reading his intent. He grinned. "We have to make some notes, don't we? Do a report?"
She shivered. "That may get us hunted down and tortured. Especially if he met a Harris that was a president." She licked her lips. "We do have to some sort of report that we saw this book."
Clint grinned. "I'll handle that." He got up to get a tablet to make a report on what he was seeing. Including Lavelle. "Hey, he has a shot to turn on GHS. He used it on Reed Richards in the realm we have kids in."
Stark burst out in snickers. "I'm sure he's horrified with his body turning on him that way and making sex more important than science." He put a pillow over his face to laugh into it.
Dawn appeared with her pet Mortimer and grinned at Clint, handing over a small envelope. "Goes in the back on the new one they found recently that has a curse on it to make it about middle ages. They barely have grenades again." She smirked. "And you guys were a ruling council in one country. Still fighting." She stepped back with a smirk. "But in the other nearby countries there was a naming curse on any first born princess so all first born were princes and all second were princesses, including sons of warlords like their Xander was. Then he overthrew the drunk ass." She smirked.
Clint read that one, tossing it at Natasha while he giggled. "That's good to see."
"Welcome." She grinned. "President Xander is pretty snarky but he's tired of people sending them to him to fix. Especially since he usually has to call the Coulson family to come fix it for him and me to help. He said this was the second time and if there was a third he was going to invade them back." She smirked. "And the helicarrier has a few bunny rabbits on it for the reason of the me there. Tell Fury I can't change them back please." She wiggled her fingers, and Mortimer waved his tentacles in her hair, before they disappeared.
Clint grinned at Natasha. "She really does bring fun news."
"I'm hoping you don't have to wear middle ages tights there," she shot back. "Or ride a horse." Thor came back from checking on Jane with a large mug of beer. "Thor, there's one that just recently got found." She held up those pages for him to take and read.
He read it and moaned. "Oh, dear." He took another sip. "That poor realm." He handed it back. "That poor world." He walked off drinking his beer. "I feel much pity for that one and the one where Xander was my nephew. They must be much warped. I should warn Heimdall in case he sees there by accident."
"Just don't send Loki," Stark said from under his pillow. "Two of them in one realm may be too much. Even if one has calmed down by application of a husband."
"What is that chaos kid thing they mentioned?" Clint asked.
"It was not attempted here," Thor said. "It was proposed though. It was thought that it would make the chaos bringers calm down some by limiting their powers to what their children could bring to them once a decade or so. In fact, the curse to do so would cause much more chaos as it spread out greater. I do believe my brother there would have been fully powered for decades from a single year of his son's doings." He took another drink of his beer. "I do not wonder what they did to do that however."
Clint turned back to that section, thinking at the book so it brought up that part. "Um.... Well, it said one was by Dawn making Loki her kids' godparent to hold down the chaos they were bringing to the world." Thor moaned, shaking his head. "I gotta say my kids with her were probably a bit chaotic since my first son liked kilts."
He cleared his throat. "The other...it says that Cupid suggested Atlantis have a holy dildo pool to get some stress out before it killed them all." He licked his lips at Natasha's giggle. "And that Xander heard that and had eaten mexican food when the curse and urge hit to do that. So he created the pool, and some extras.
"Unfortunately the mexican food gave him gas and the gas explosion ...it says he farted and it made them dick headed dildo vines that pulled people into the pools," he said, making Thor choke and splutter while shaking his head. "And some got into our vents to scare us all. And you got a new sister thanks to them getting into Odin's tub, and Zeus's tub so he had one too. Your new sister became over female warriors and helped Xander guard the villages. The Greek one became the goddess of engineers."
Thor stared at him. "Do I want to know how that happened or got fought?"
Clint looked then walked over the book to show him the video of that. "You think at the book and it'll bring up parts," he said quietly. "I think those are women fighting it, Thor."
He watched it, nodding. "That makes my cringe to see those dick vines being fought off by the female warriors. Oh, dear." He handed it back. "Those were wearing the marks of Valkyries and Athena's and Artemis's warriors." He went to get a refill on his beer. "I can only hope no one here tries that. We would hate to hide behind Natasha."
Natasha looked at him. "I'd be hiding from them trying to get into my uniform." Clint showed her that video and she stared at him afterwards. "You're on your own. I'd be hiding from them."
"That figures." He sat down to go over that incident again. "Oh, there was a game to see who offended Valhalla the most so Loki put Puritans in Valhalla's main hall."
Thor moaned, looking out of the bar area at him. "He did what?" Clint showed it to him. "Oh, fuck. The Allfather would kill him for thus." He looked up. "Heimdall, do not let him see that book please. I do not want to hear that fit." He gulped most of the beer and refilled it a third time to walk off to sit outside again. The sun would warm his chills.
Clint sat down, looking at Steve, who was shaking his head.
"If we get those tentacles here, I'm going to hide too," Steve said dryly. "I don't think I can fight dick monsters. Especially not a kraken like a bigger Mortimer made of them."
Clint nodded. "Me either. We'll let STRIKE or someone handle it."
"I don't think they could handle it either. They can handle bad missions but that's damaging, Clint. We'll let Hill do it."
Clint smirked, nodding. "We can warn her about that. Hey, JARVIS, send my report to Hill please?"
"I can do that," the AI said. "She's presently being not amused on the helicarrier trying to figure out who sent them off."
"Tell them to ask Foster who did it," Banner said. Clint turned to the part for him and handed it over, letting him go over those ideas. "Huh, on animal behavioral models," he said. "Not a bad basis as the Hulk was feral at first." He went over the meditations and diet realignment. "Hmm. It says that Summers' mother aligned his eating with her recovery from brain cancer diet. That would probably be full of certain vitamins."
He took notes for himself. Xander would want to take this cursed artifact back soon probably. The meditations were helpful too. And the post hypnotic command about trusting certain beings absolutely and not harming them. "That could be helpful too," he decided, making that note. "Though I doubt I'll have a Stark kid to call me Grr Guy anytime soon."
"My daughter did what?" Stark's pillow face cover asked.
"Apparently she always tried to calm down the Hulk and treated him like a silly grandfather. She called him Grr Guy and me Grandpa because I married her grandmother." He looked over. "It says she used to rush up and try to calm me down."
Stark moved the pillow to stare at him. "Why?"
"Because she's a Stark," Bruce said dryly. "The same reason you rush at problems to try to solve them, Tony."
"Oh, that reason. Yeah, that's a Stark thing." He put the pillow back. "Did Thor leave beer?"
"Could probably tap a new keg," Clint said. "He had three big mugs."
Stark sighed but nodded. "Then we probably are about empty. I'll tap one in a bit."
"I can," Natasha said. "It's not too difficult." She tipped her head back. "Did Hill read that report yet, JARVIS?"
"Not yet," he said.
"Prompt her to. That way we can watch the fit before we're all drunk."
On the helicarrier, Agent Hill got a pop up message about that report from JARVIS and sighed but did get into it. She reread the first paragraph then slowly went through the notes. "What the fuck?" she said quietly. Fury looked at her. "Barton found the book that the Xander convention we heard about made for the members who go. Books of problems."
Fury shuddered. "The very thought of the convention is a problem, Hill."
She looked up. "There's a world where your plots earned you a spot as a ferret with Coulson's kids while Rogers coheaded SHIELD with Banner's wife." He blinked a few times. "And Coulson was mated to a God, and was made one himself. That god was Loki's son, Xander."
"Excuse me?" he demanded quietly but calmly. "He was what?"
She let him have the report. "I've only gotten a third of the way through. Barton only sent the entertaining things, like a spell to make this world more magical that brought dragons, unicorns, and elves to the world."
He scanned the first paragraph, wincing. "So they hold it to talk about the problems they've had to handle. That makes sense even if it is weird, evil, and potentially world destroying." He went down the list. He didn't make it as far as she did before he groaned. "There's a what?" he demanded.
She looked then at him. "A diamond choker that changes your outward form? I'd want to try that to see how it worked."
"If we can find it, give it to Harris. Maybe he'll rip it apart. I doubt he could get a diamond choker on his own." He went back to scanning it, having to stop at the part where he was a ferret. "Whatever I did in that realm to deserve that fate, I'm probably very sorry for it." He went on, getting two more down before he went pale and handed it back. "I don't want to know!" He walked off, going to take something for his new headache.
Hill went back to scanning, coming to that same entry and the suggestion of who could handle it. "Yes, we can let STRIKE handle that if they happen here," she decided. "Because I don't want to deal with a hentai monster by any means." She kept going, finding more things that would warp their small world. Hopefully they kept those problems over there!
She took the report down to STRIKE's offices, knocking before walking in. "People." They stared at her. "Debriefing on a new issue that we're warned about thanks to Harris." They went to the briefing room and she put up that report. "I'm hoping that book is hidden again by now, but if not, we've decided it's your job to handle it."
She left them to read it on their own so they didn't have to hide their swearing at Harris. She was going to swear at Harris too, and shudder that Harris had become president of the US. That poor world! She added a second one to the queue for them to read about Harris ending up as president and to ask someone like him how it had happened so they could keep it from happening here.
One of the agents called Barton. "It's me. We want to see that book please. Hill put it on our shoulders." He listened. "I get that reason for the convention, even if it is creepy. Yeah, one of us can come get it to copy...oh, magical page making. Please do. Since we'd have to handle it... he is? Okay," he said, looking at one person. "Yeah, we can come ask him to look it over. Thanks, Barton." He hung up.
"Harris is Lewis's baby half-brother, people." The one that liked Lewis just blinked a few times then nodded slowly. "The book is from the conventions they hold to talk about problems." He looked at the others, who just nodded. "They'll ask if we can go over it too but it's mystical so won't photocopy or scan." That got a faster nod and they went back to the two reports. The tentacle monster got a few odd looks. They'd have to see if there was evidence of it to see how to respond.
Barton brought it up about an hour later, being slightly drunk. He leaned into the STRIKE offices, grinning as he waved the book. "We all agree, if Harris finds that choker, we're letting him keep it but we might borrow it." He tossed the book at someone's head with a smirk. "Think at a section and it'll bring up various ideas." He left whistling. "Maybe I'll get a dog," he said as he walked past Hill.
"Just don't play footsie with the Russian mob to do it," she complained, nearly completely drunk. It had been a long, bad day. She was actually on the way to sobering up when one of the agents brought up the book to show her about that tentacle monster. Thankfully she had more liquor left. She poured a drink and gulped it while shoving the book back. "You're all welcome to handle that for us."
"Gee, thanks." He went back there to let the rest of them see the special sections. They were amused at Barton's kids, and the Stark kids, but a few things were really weird. D&D spells mostly.
"Fire," one decided. "We need flamethrowers in case that tentacle monster gets made here. It works against other tentacle creatures." The others nodded it might be a good idea. They could burn that sucker before it got too big.
"Would that sort of pool really help morale?" another one asked, looking at his team leader.
"If you're stuck in a warzone? Could be."
"Huh. I never thought about pools with a lot of dildos."
"It's better than a room full of them on the walls," another one said. The guys mostly nodded at that. "Wonder if Romanoff saw it?"
"Barton sent the report, of course she did," the leader said, looking at them. "And she's probably just as drunk as Barton was."
"Yeah, I'm heading there too," another team leader quipped, standing up.
"You're on call tonight," the head agent reminded him, getting a moan and whine for that. "Sorry!" He clapped him on the back. "At least we don't have a God Protectorate of Humanity here who's Harris. Or his father dating the VP." They all nodded that was good. "We can prevent all that if we work at it, people. So let's prevent."
They nodded, getting down to figure out what they could prevent and what they'd have to fight as it happened. They noticed when the book disappeared then reappeared with a plate of chocolate chip cookies on it. They just stared at the cookies with the 'I'm sorry you had to see that' note on top. It was signed Rosenburg so they didn't want to know. When the book disappeared for good it was because someone snuck in to take it out with him to hand back to Harris. "I didn't know he was Harris' type," the leader quipped. "Huh. Good to know." They made a note in that guy's file.
Dawn took the book to the Sanctum, holding it up. "You cannot own it but you can make notes from it. It's from the Xander convention." Stephen Strange stared at her oddly. "It's their problems and how they dealt with them. Including mystical pools with tentacles monsters." She smirked at Wong. "It'll give you a headache, dear. It's his job to handle it if a few of the kids of the Devon coven create a spell to add more magic to the world and turn us into a Forgotten Realm." Wong moaned at that.
She grinned. "Apparently there's a herd of unicorns and malicorns in the area that showed up." She smirked at Stephen. "Someone has to make notes so someone other than Xander knows. Though some did get filtered into SHIELD after they got sent back and they're mostly drunk."
He took the book carefully to look at, then at her. "How does this artifact work?"
"By section. Think about the index on that page and it'll bring up the particulars." She grinned. "Including the part on my kids since an Asgardian goddess decided I needed to have triplets."
"That is disturbing." He went to the first page, frowning. "This hormone condition is extreme."
She smirked. "The one that helped make the book is one and he's destroyed over forty realms getting himself back. He's taken out so many higher level demons he has a seat on the High Council."
Stephen Strange winced but nodded. "Truly something only a Xander could do."
"There's thousands on his realm. And another one figured out how to turn it on for others. There's a shot. He got Reed Richards in one realm with it." She grinned.
He looked at her, going to that section. It led to another Xander, who he felt extremely sorry for. "That poor man." She nodded. He found the mention of an artifact, going to look it up. "Oh, dear."
"Xander has a duty to find that choker and protect it. Every Xander does. The one that got the first one, it was in reparation for all that."
Stephen Strange read that over and whined. "I fear that I would like to lock it up but he could probably protect it. Or use it to help protect his sister." He went back to that shot and shuddered. It had a lot of possible variations that were blatantly evil sounding. "Oh, fuck."
"Read up on Xander Lokison-Coulson," Dawn quipped, winking at Wong, who was shuddering. "Yeah, in that realm. Super bit of stress when they forced them together against their wills. Nearly destroyed all the pantheons."
Stephen Strange looked at her. "She is stronger than you."
"They had a machine that brought multiple Keys from other realms." She smirked. "They're going into her kids."
"That's..." He cleared his throat. "I saw the note where she's at war with me from another realm from hers or this one."
"Yeah. That you decided she was wrong to stop a plane crash that her mother and stepfather was on."
He swallowed but nodded. "I would not be so foolhardy here." He went back to looking and making notes. He saw one thing and winced. "Damn it. Dawn?" She looked over his shoulder and shrugged with a grin. "How?"
"The me there has many Keys. Like nine, ten of them." He slumped. "So of course they wanted to talk to their cousins." She smirked. "And that," she said with a point. "Is a Stark kid that was my niece, who was infected with one so apparently I loaned when she got displaced." She patted him on the shoulder. "She can't come to be here. NID isn't knocking up my sister by Stark."
"Thank the Vishanti!" he said. He stared at her. "Why show me this?"
"They make this at the yearly Xander convention to prevent some problems from happening. Only you can stop a few of them though. I'm told parts of SHIELD have decided what to do about the dildo pool if it happens here."
He looked that up and had to curl up on himself and hold down his dinner. "Oh." He held down another heave and made another note then moved on before he lost all ability to hold in his bodily fluids. By the time he got done, he was going to heave soon and he was ready to shit his pants. He handed it back. "Thank your cohort for me," he said quietly. "I will make sure we have plans in case some of those come into being."
"Tell him or me if you find the choker?"
"I...if I find it, yes I can." She kissed him on the forehead with a healing spell then disappeared. He showed Wong the notes, making him shudder and hug himself. "We will do what we must to make sure none of that happens here."
Wong nodded. "I'll get that choker from the vault." He went to get it and bring it back. It had been broken but Harris could probably have it fixed by someone. It got sent to his sister and they went to hide in their rooms for the night. Such horrors had to be handled before they ended humanity.
Agent Rollins walked into the lab floor, nodding at the guards. "Lewis in?" They pointed. "Thank you." He knocked on that door before opening it and walking in. "Miss Lewis, can we ask a few questions?"
She looked at him. "I've only seen the book, dude."
"That's fine. Can you answer a few questions about the horrors it contained?"
"Probably. If not, Xander's on my couch until tonight."
"That'll work." He leaned against the door frame. "That tentacle thing?"
"Chaos kid outbreak. They're cursed to power any chaos parents once a decade."
"Okay," he agreed with a nod. "Why that format?"
"The monster? It was him farting from mexican food on top of the pain like gas pains from the curse. It changed it from a nice pool to a helpful pool that'd pull you in."
He nodded once. "I get that. But he didn't hit it every ten years."
She grinned. "He said Asgard there runs faster. About two weeks to one of our days. That's why Calia's siblings were so old when they came back."
"Saw that," he agreed. "Could he have...." He waved a hand. "Helped it along?"
"The later one that made them work for the light side? Yup, probably did." She grinned. "But that was helpful. And the making of a godfather too."
"Yeah, if Summers has a kid here, we'll be on the watch for it to be a bit wild and chaotic."
"Her baby boy's so damn cute and he's still pretty cuddly. Philip is a great big brother, who can nag his sisters for being dumbasses sometimes, but he's a loving son."
Jane looked over. "Who?"
"The Dawn in another realm, who's married to her Clint and Natasha." She looked at the agent again. "I'm not sure if her kid here can do that same thing or not. Or if she can have kids or not. That one needed some magical work to fix a birth defect."
"Think Barton might like her?"
"Don't know. I think Mortimer thought he was cuddly." She grinned, pulling up that post to show him. "He cuddles very well."
He grinned at it. "Mortimer's cute." He handed the phone back. "Could someone take those ideas here and use them?"
"That D&D spell? Definitely. I'm told it's from the middle ages or so. The ones who did it were eco warriors who had moms in the Devon coven. We'll have a ton of unicorns and malicorns here if it does happen."
He nodded. "Okay, we could probably stop someone doing that."
"Probably not unless you caught them in the middle of it." She grinned. "And stopping a witch doing a spell usually means distracting them somehow. I like a tazer for that too. Or a succuba."
"That's not a bad idea for non-violent methods." He blinked a few times. "That tentacle monster, what if Loki hears?"
She grinned at him. "During that realm merge to stop the AI from taking out humans like his name should've been HAL, the Loki that was involved there moved that particular one to Asgard to amuse them." She grinned. "I'm told it cloned itself very nicely and a few Valhallas are not presently fully open so they don't have to get pulled into the pool."
"I'd run from that thing too." She just grinned. "If you hear it's here...."
"I'll yell as I'm running from it. I don't mind dildos, just like many women, but I'm not into sharing a group pool with them. It'd be like a touchless orgy."
He nodded. "We'd hate to fight those tentacles."
"I think that's why they called Valkyries and Amazons." She grinned.
"Yeah, they can do that here."
"No more Valkyries."
"In SHIELD? Probably somewhere. I think they expected Hill to lead them."
"I think she got so disturbed she got plastered." She just smirked. "Sure, we'll let her lead the way but she put it back onto STRIKE. We think flame throwers."
"They had to cut off the heads."
"We saw." She giggled. "We like flame throwers." She grinned at him. "That choker?"
"Xander got it sent to him but it has to be repaired. He's got a call in to someone. There is one warning. Whoever puts it on you has to take it off. That's how that Xander got stuck in it a few times."
"Does ours have that fertility curse?"
"Not sure until it's fixed but even without it, it's good enough for a woman to put on and make a baby with her girlfriend. The Hill in that realm fathered one of the kids her girlfriend had."
"Wow." She nodded. "How many can you do? Is there a set procedure?"
"Put it on and think before you hitch the last clasp. The original one, he had a binder full of looks he worked out beforehand with back stories in case he needed it, but he was a thief and assassin."
"I saw on him."
She nodded. "Ours isn't that strong."
"One hopes no one has to be."
"So he had multiple forms?"
"Male and female. He had his own kids."
"Saw that," he agreed with a nod. "Freaked myself out." She grinned at that. "So just any thought? You could impersonate a celebrity?"
"Yup. If you can imagine it, you can change to it. Height might be a problem sometimes, not sure how that worked. Lavelle mostly stayed around his own height."
"Why did he keep going back to it?"
"His men only really loved him with tits."
"Oh, that reason."
"Yup." She nodded. "And he was the team mom too."
"That figures. All right." He rubbed the back of his neck. "If he does get it to work, can we test it?" She nodded. "He agreed?"
"He said you'd want to and he might let one person try it for a few minutes. He'd let you take pictures yourself."
"Can he get it fixed?"
"Won't know until tomorrow."
"Let us know?"
"I'll tell Clint." She grinned. "He wanted to see it and so did Natasha but she didn't want to put it on."
"I can see that. Might freak you out to be the other gender suddenly."
"Maybe," she agreed. "Penis envy is really about wanting the privileges that having one gives you."
"I have no idea because I don't think about mine that way." He nodded at Jane then at her. "Thanks. Let us know?"
"Clint can share so you can show up."
"Thanks." He left, going back to the STRIKE office to shudder in a corner. It was safe to react there.
Clint tried on the choker the next day, changing to a version of Natasha, who was watching. She blinked coming over to touch his arm. It wasn't the usual broad muscles he had, it was the same as hers. She looked at his chest, then lower. He nodded. "Yeah, I can feel things missing. That's so weird feeling." He took it off and handed it to her. "Here, you try."
She put it on herself, becoming Stark, then she took it off quickly to hand over. "Oh, dear."
Xander grinned. "Lavelle's used it for years to go comic conventions."
Clint blinked at him. "He went to cons?"
"Yeah. A lot. He went as a school girl a lot of times, sometimes a warrior wench, a few different costumes too. And sometimes he used it because his boyfriends hated him without breasts."
Natasha nodded. "Some men are like that." She looked at Clint. "Would you let another agent make notes on it and try it on for a moment so we can be prepared if we find another version?"
"This realm has three others. They're single strands. One's a single strand of pearls, mismatched but looks nice. The other two are single lines of diamonds. There's a less specific disguise spell that's on more things, and most are probably pendants. That's an outer change instead of an inner one."
"So it does change you internally? Like when I was a girl, I had a uterus?" Clint asked.
Xander nodded. "Because that's part of the definition of female. They have innie systems. If you don't have one available, then that can be there but not fully work on this type of spell. On a disguise spell it mostly won't show up because that's on your definition. Also, most disguise spells have a single or maybe a double alternate image. The others of this type of spell, one has five you can set, and the rest are unlimited except by imagination."
"Do you have anything on them?" Clint asked.
"Not really. That they exist. This one was a special case as it was partially godly made and gifted specially."
"Good to know." He grinned at him, punching him on the arm. "If you're teasing a boyfriend and we break in, let us know." He and Natasha left to go make a report and make themselves forget about that.
Xander tried it on and nodded then took it off and put it into the case. That could be very handy. When the agent showed up he looked disgruntled. He stared at him. "Aren't you the guy who stares at my sister in the caf? I was meaning to talk to you about her and treating her well."
"I'd never go to her. She'd kill me." He stared at him. "Really. I can look from afar."
"I'm not worried about that. But this is the shovel talk of the ages if you do get with her." He grinned. "Understand?"
He nodded. "Understood. You can do evil things."
"Oh, I'd give you to a poker debt. No telling how they'd use you." He smirked. "Could be fun to watch...could be you being eaten.... Who knows."
The guy winced but nodded. "If I get with your sister I'd never hurt her. They sent me to try that thing on."
Xander held it up. "Want me to hitch it for you?"
"I heard about that clause." He put it on and stared at himself in the mirror. Then he undid one clasp and redid it, thinking about another form. Then he did it again with the idea of turning into Lewis, and moaned when he did. "Oh, shit." He patted himself down. "How true?"
"Unless your mental image doesn't include female sexual organs, it's all there. Might not fully work without a spell though. I'd let you go masturbate to try it out, but most guys have no idea how to do that."
"I'm not lame that way, Harris."
"Good! Darcy could use a great playmate." He smirked at Darcy as she came in. The guy fumbled but got it changed to a famous actress instead.
She looked at him. "Wow. And you made my tits bigger. Most guys would." She looked at Xander. "Can you do that?"
"Yup." He grinned. "I got lessons on how to do it." He held out a hand when the guy was taking off the choker. "Remember, if someone puts it on you or it breaks on you, you're stuck until they remove it or someone fixes it on you." He smirked.
"Got it." He nodded, going to make his own report and then get truly drunk. He could still feel an after image of the tits and not having a penis. Maybe he'd pick someone up in the bar tonight to fix that so he remembered he was a man.
Xander let Darcy try it and she giggled when she became a guy version of her, nodding at herself. "It feels weird without the tits." She handed it back. "Is it low powered?"
"Little bit but if you have magic, it'll linger a few minutes."
"Ah!" She nodded. "That's cool." She went to change into casual clothes and came back to help Xander make dinner.
Xander met up with another of him in the main area kitchen the next morning. "What's up?" he asked when he ran into him.
"Lavelle thought you might like some samples to study." He grinned. "He wants me to spread the life vine to see if someone sets it off. He's bored this week."
"I guess we could do that. Though they're all creeped out by the pool vines."
Time traveling Xander nodded. "Us too." They shared a grin. "Also, one of our people got trapped over here somehow."
"Gotta ask Darcy's boss about that."
"I can do that if you introduce us."
"Sure." He looked at the miniature dragon, reaching over to pet him. "Hey, babe." It purred at him. "Hey, Mr. AI Overlord, this is time traveling me. Can you ask Jane if she knows where his coworker is hiding?"
"I can do that," the AI said, sounding amused. "What sort of samples are we talking about? So I can set up an examination and safe area."
"I've got a lot of them. The life vine, if you take off the roots, it grows alarmingly fast and will take over a space ship to eat all the air in it." He grinned. "We grafted them in with watermelons to get more of those once."
"Oh." The AI was mentally blinking, you could hear it. "That could be helpful in certain situations."
"I find them hella useful for space battles," Xander quipped with a nod. "Especially against the wraith since it'll break apart their really ancient ships."
"Are you perhaps from a world where Stargate is real?" the AI asked.
"I'm actually the geek to military liaison on Atlantis, dear." He grinned. "Me and my Radek and my Evan snugglies are all there. We're going back to earth soon."
"Oh, my. My progenitor would like to ask some questions about that."
"I can be here most of the day. I was going to pop back right after I left anyway. My wardrobe can do that easily."
Xander looked then at him. "At least it fits in better than a phone box." Tony Stark came stomping out and grabbed the largest mug out there to get coffee and looked at the extra Xander, who just grinned back. "This is the one of us who accidentally traveled through time and space, Mr. Stark. He was going to offer some plant based samples."
"Yup, we can do that, but I want to look at his ..." He looked at it. "Wardrobe."
"Okay." Xander grinned. "C'mon, Armand, let's go give a tour." Xander followed them. Jane got summoned and came too. So did Natasha and Clint. Clint and that Xander got into a talk about survival supplies when they ran into those storage areas. The room of candy got an awed look but Natasha refused to let Clint in there. Or the room with the stored coffee. Though Clint did get a few samples of different forms of coffee beans to try. Stark looked at one plant then at that Xander. Who just shrugged.
"It's an original line coffee plant. The beans are bitter as anything and not as caffeinated. That was bred into them later on." He handed over one purple one. "Super high caffeine. It's the Mountain Dew of coffee." He grinned. "Very handy during emergencies. Rodney warned me I had better grow a lot of this for him to use during the weekly emergencies and threats we have. You can have a headache if you don't slowly easy back to regular coffee though."
Natasha took the important plant to carry. That way Clint wouldn't try a bean to test it. The rest of the samples got put onto a rolling wagon, which the dragon liked to pull now and then. She shivered at the description of the life vine. That was probably slightly evil. And the other vine plant made her shudder. She had seen that in the video. That Xander just grinned. "Do you use that one beyond tormenting people?"
"Yup, they're actually great at fertilizing an area. I use them as a first year planting to ready the ground for more serious plants. That and my function bush both do that."
"Like from Xanth?" Clint asked then sighed at the nod and grin. "How did you get that?"
"From another realm." He grinned. "Went there by accident while on Kovos."
"Was that maybe Xanth?"
"No magic there, but maybe it's Xanth's alien cousin. One of the other demon's version maybe."
"Okay," he said with a nod. "Will it force use?"
"Yup, sure will. Helped a few pregnant people I knew who had cheese issues."
"Sure," Clint said with a nod. "Sounds handy."
Xander patted him on the arm. "That's not the strangest plant I have. We do have two different varieties of spore plants. Talk about fuck or die?" He smirked. "Really pretty but they've encouraged a few wars about who got on top of who." He patted him on the arm again. "Want one, Stark?"
He stared at him. "Will it do that to us?"
"Every six months it blooms spores. The spores will last about four days unless you have an anti-spore. I speak from experience of someone else bringing it to Atlantis by accident, and one where they sent it on purpose to get us out of there by charging us. Have a pool ready to soak out the soreness. Tylenol, water, muscle rubs, lots of lube."
Stark swallowed. "I might like to try to test the spores without infecting us."
"Don't let it into the air. It'll easily spread."
"Yeah, sure," Stark decided, getting handed a plant with silver blooms to put on the wagon. "How soon will it sprout?"
"Just sprouted yesterday, wardrobe time. So you've got about six months."
"Okay. That could be handy." They gathered a few more fruit and vegetable samples and one that was a furry looking footstool thing that Clint petted.
"That's a milk giver," Xander quipped. "Halfway between goat and cow milk. They don't eat a lot and they're really easy to keep."
"I..." Stark looked at it. "We'd need somewhere safe to put them. This is Manhattan and we don't have a stable set up." Clint nodded at that. "Unless you can treat them like a dog?"
"I put them near my cows and goats." Xander shrugged. "They do good together."
"I'd have to ask some people so maybe next year our Xander can bum one after the convention?"
"Sure!" He grinned. "They're a lot of fun for us. And it's not the unicorns that ended up on the base."
"Do we have that shield here?" Stark asked. Xander tested then nodded. "Like unicorns taking over?"
"You guys have yak looking things nearby. Like T-Rex sized yaks." He tested again, then took a special viewfinder to look through and nodded, letting Stark see it while he held it so the magic would work. Stark moaned but handed them back and went to bump his head on the wall a few times. The wall bumped him back after a few thumps.
Xander looked then at him. "They're not that mean. Big and might step on you but I'm pretty sure they're herbivores." He grinned at Natasha. "If you get dragons, not like Armand dragons but actual dragons, they're attracted to magical potential. It's like their chocolate." She nodded once at that. "Though some will steal a woman now and then to cuddle."
"I'll keep that in mind if we do get some." Xander smirked, handing over a book. "That's very handy. Thank you. Is that yak creature in there?" Xander flipped to it to let her see. "Oh. That is very large."
"Yup, but they like trees."
Clint looked over her arm. "Someone will want to ride them."
"They're fun for that." He walked them off to another area of garden space to get a few more fruits and vegetables. The AI and biology people had set up a quarantine area. Xander came out to tell them facts about the various plant samples so they could take notes.
Clint went to hide in his room and laugh for a bit but the yaks were funny.
And that spore plant had better never get out of their hands. Well, unless they intentionally planted it somewhere to solve a problem.
Hill got an alert of the new samples, grimacing at it since it woke her up. "What the hell is that?" She thumbed open the audio file to listen while she woke up. The life vine got her out of bed and to the shower so she could go confiscate it. When she got there, there were two labs with new samples. The life vine was in the second when she looked. She walked in and stared at them. "We'd like to confiscate the life vine sample, people. It could be used against submarines and the like."
"Nope," Stark said from where he was looking at a microscope. "Sorry but no. We can use that to graft with other plants and that could solve a lot of food crisis problems. And it's not the most dangerous in here. Don't go near the silver plant."
"What silver plant?" she demanded. He handed back his notes on that one, letting someone take it to give to her. She read it and her stomach dropped. "You cannot have that here, Stark."
"It won't go off for at least five months, probably closer to six," he said. "And with the attributes it could make a wonderful medicine to help those who're impotent or even a fertility treatment. We're not releasing it. It'll be in a glassed in quarantine case so it can be taken care of but not get on us." He scowled at her. "And not your business anyway since we're not SHIELD funded." He went back to his current sample. "This is so weird. Comparing it to normal zucchini it's like a crossbreed of it." He let the biologist look and she hummed and made notes as she compared it. "Since this grows more quickly than usual, and in more environments, that could be very helpful in food insecure areas."
"A lot of those have droughts. I'm not sure how they'd work in that lack of water, but we can breed a few plants off to test for environmental needs." She looked at the grapes then at him. "Why those? They look like normal grapes."
"They're already alcoholic."
She went to taste on and moaned. "Oh, they are." She looked at it. "I wonder how they breed."
"No idea," he quipped. "Let us know."
She nodded, taking a few cuttings to start to plant samples of a few things. She did remember to mark what they were from too. She looked at the vine in crystal then at him again. "What's on this one?"
"That is the life vine. If you remove the roots, above the white part, it'll grow extremely fast. Almost magically fast. That other Xander used it in space battles because it sucks all the air out of things like spaceships. It's only killed by fire." The biologist started to make notes. "It can be grafted and will lend that to other plants." She grinned at that news. "They used watermelons."
"That's sweet of them." She considered it. "How fast?"
"His notes said about three hours to take over the Enterprise." She moaned. "Yeah, which is why we have that. For space battles he beams it into their air ducting system, however that happens, and then they wait while it sucks things out. When it's got all the oxygen, it'll live off the air rusting gives off."
She moaned again. "So it'll be basically immortal?"
"Outside fire." He grinned. "I want to try grafting it on certain things, see what it works on, and if we can do that without doing any genetic tampering."
"I can look at that, Mr. Stark. Is that why it's in crystal?"
"Safe transport. Basically break it and throw it sort of containment."
"Oh, that's nice. Can we graft a tiny bit and then test it outside?"
He shrugged. "Use an abandoned building that doesn't have squatters. See if we can do some good by tearing it down."
"That'll be nice of us." She looked around. "Can it be planted?"
"Keep the roots on and I'm guessing put them in the soil before you break the rest out."
She nodded. "I can arrange that." She made more notes, going to look at the information given about the other samples. "Is this one special?" she asked with a point.
He looked. "That is the spore plant, Dr. Choin. Every six months it emits a spore that makes you find the most fertile partner you can and screw your brains out for four days to give the spores biological deposits, or you have heart problems." She moaned, gripping the table. "It's got about five to six months before it spews." He grinned.
"That Xander said he's seen people who couldn't perform due to it being blown off get it up." She moaned again, knees pressed together. "If we can find an anti-spore by then, we can take a sample to test the properties of it for later production and maybe synthesizing for medical use." He smirked. "It stays in a closed quarantine system. Permanently."
"Yes, sir, obviously in that case."
"According to that Xander's records, one plant about that size reduced a small city floating base of about six hundred people to screwing until they couldn't do it anymore. He suggested tylenol, lube, water, and muscle rubs with a lot of condoms. Or an anti-spore."
She nodded quickly. "We can make up a great quarantine system that'll give it plenty of sunlight for us so we can remotely monitor it."
"Up to you how you do that as long as the rest of us don't find ourselves under it. Though...I'm tempted to send it at AIM or HYDRA." He grinned at Hill. Who walked backwards out of the lab. "Have a great day, Agent Hill."
"Sending it at them would be evil, Stark."
He smirked. "Yes it would be, wouldn't it?" She walked off shivering. He grinned at the biologists who all giggled back. They got back to taking samples and notes. They were going to have a great month with all of this.
Hill went to Pepper to see if she could stop Stark from doing anything evil. "Miss Potts, do you have a moment?"
"Not for another hour," she said, looking up then going back to the paperwork. "Is this about the new samples?"
"He has a spore that's a fuck or die spore. He said he wanted to send it to AIM or HYDRA. I'd rather he not go evil so we have to cover it up."
Pepper burst out giggling, shaking her head. "I'll talk with Tony when I'm done with all this, Agent Hill." She smiled at her. "I doubt he'll do it until after they attack the next time."
"I'd rather he got rid of them before they hear and try to grab it from him to use on us."
"We'll make sure they can't. Or I'll help with the tentacle plant we heard about from that book." Hill went pale. Pepper grinned. "I'd worry more about him sending that over first. Or grafting it on that super growing vine." Hill nodded, heading off to go hide from that. She went back to work, chuckling quietly. She knew Tony wasn't evil but he could definitely cure a problem when he had to.
Thor walked up to where Tony was getting something to eat that night. "Man of Iron, we must speak," he said firmly.
"Sure, Thor. What's up?" He looked up from making his sandwich. "Are you going to complain about the samples?"
"One of ours saw you combining three of them."
Tony grinned. "We theorized it's possible. We haven't done it in a practical manner." He smirked at him. "And it'd be used in a situation where a group had to get gone immediately."
"It would be considered evil."
"I don't see evil if they're doing something like taking a school hostage."
"Nor do I. The original use however...."
"We'll keep a pure life vine in crystal in case we need it for a space battle of some kind." He grinned, patting him on the arm as he walked around him. "Some evil things deserve it, Thor."
"Perhaps but I worry that someone would snatch it from you and use it on Asgard."
Tony looked at him. "A life vine plant won't hurt your people, you make more oxygen all the time."
"That was not the plant they worried of."
"I'm told that spore plant is all over the universe."
"I have no knowledge of that."
"So come look, Point Break."
"Please." He followed him to look at the containment system around the spore plant, then at the plant, which made him go pale. "Oh, that thing." He looked at Stark. "That is dangerous."
"Yes but it might hold great medical help," Tony said. "I'd never release it on a group unless I had to."
"I know. You are not evil but that plant can be. It has started many wars."
"Yeah, I heard that. And that it's given a lot of people who couldn't function that ability during it."
Thor sighed but nodded. "That's true." He grimaced. "It used to be considered a sacred plant to a goddess of marriage." He looked at it. "Then some who wanted just the fun took it over."
"I'm told it'll last about four days without the anti-spore we're developing before it goes off in five months."
Thor sighed. "We can contain that if we do not have an antidote?"
"Yeah. That case is meant to do that. We made sure the watering, feeding, and sunlight systems are all easily usable without opening the case." He ate a bite. "Come see the others to see if you can recognize them." He let Thor look around the labs. He was amused at the alcoholic grapes. And a few other things but the rest he was wary of because it came from elsewhere with a Xander who was weird.
Two Harrises and Two Halves (and A Convention)