Just A Xander Being Xander
Wade wandered into the bar with two Xanders. Well, one normal Xander and one older looking Xander. Who smirked at everyone. "There's actually a convention of the various Xanders all around the universes," Wade announced. "This is Lavelle. He's ...well....let him tell you."
Xander smirked at his bad guy self. "You have fun with them. They just think I'm weird." He bounded to the bar. "I need a drink. Wade, not this one but a different Wade, guzzled all the booze at the convention because he got stuck and there were kids." Weasel gave him one, getting paid for it.
Lavelle found a target and sat down at his table, staring at him. "I incorporated your little group into my empire when I accidentally started one." He grinned. "My boyfriends are *so* unamused at you and Glorina recently."
The guy swallowed some beer. "Glorina and I broke up."
"You two did in my world too because Jigen shot your ass, literally. You woke him up from a nap." He gave him a tiny smirk. "Then Lupin decided you should go handle something in Asia." The guy threw his glass and glared at him. Lavelle smirked. "Yeah, I trained with them. I'm their second gunman and I kinda run an empire that sucked in his too. He was so pissed when he found out. So were you." He patted him on the arm. "Don't worry. The me here is nicer. A bit less sane but I had that same thing when I was pregnant."
"Not fucking happening here," Deadpool said quickly. Before someone got the bad idea to make it happen here or some demon made it so.
"Please, Jesus, no," Weasel moaned.
"Takes a chaos artifact and a fertility spell," Xander agreed. "Though I do have that artifact in the safe." He grinned at Wade. "It can change you completely. Down to someone using it managed to father a kid on her girlfriend."
Wade swallowed a moan. "I want to see that."
"Maybe." He grinned. "It's a powerful chaos artifact. And you'd make yourself Playboy pretty so you'd need a bodyguard." He grinned at Lavelle then pulled out pictures. "From this year's convention. These are the mini mes that Willow changed into babies to be reraised thanks to her magic addiction."
Weasel looked then looked at him. "You're so warped, Xander, but they're cute."
Xander grinned and nodded. "One was raised by Iron Man in his realm." Dopinder, Wade's cabby friend, moaned at that. "I brought Clint with me too to talk to one in another realm about something. He was so amazed that him had kids." He pulled up another one. "This is Hunter Xander. He'll be here for a few weeks to work with the slayers. That way he's out of the way of heaven and hell having a hissy fit against humanity. Oh," he said, pulling a black ball out of his bag. "The magic 8 ball. It's charmed as payment to a magic dealer."
Weasel looked at it, then thought it was a joke so he played along. "Will we run out of beer tonight?" he asked, shaking it and expecting the standard answers. "Only Miller, Budweiser sucks ass, dude," he read. "What the fuck!" He handed it back then wiped off his hands.
"We really enjoy the 8 ball," Lavelle called with a wave. He looked at someone. "I could use someone like you in the empire to make sure it stays stable. You wanna switch realms, sweetie?" he asked the guy. The guy slowly shook his head. "We have benefits and standard pay for my lieutenants. You'll be given control over a small group of operatives who're handling something stupid that I've been wanting to stop. If you're into it, you're even pretty enough that I can let Lupin flirt sometimes if you want that sort of extra benefit."
"Taken," the guy squeaked.
Lavelle smirked but shrugged. "You can bring your family. We don't mind." He grinned. The guy was blushing brighter. "I could definitely use someone with skills. Half of my lieutenants have semi-retired to married people time. Though we're about to have Lotus' wedding to Home Peacekeeper soon so we'll probably lose them both for the honeymoon year while he breaks his training on her tender, virginal body.
"My almost daughter is so goody-goody sometimes for all that she's a samurai in training and assassin." The guy squeaked again. Lavelle winked. "Homer's a really nice guy. Very tall, makes a lot of men jealous, but really great guy. I love him dearly, that's why I'm letting him marry my almost daughter. Goemon and he even fought as is traditional but he let Homer win after a few minutes because he wanted Lotus to be happy. Goemon did create a few small cuts for Lotus to baby but she would've fussed anyway."
"I'm stealing Melissa and Ishi to come work with the slayers," Xander said.
"Sure. They'd enjoy the vacation and Arsene would show up too. She'd like some different challenges. They're so bored. They even thought about going to redo the Tower run but they've beaten it five times. I'm so proud of my kids," he told everyone, who just nodded. He pulled out pictures. "Arsene, Melissa, Ishi, Lotus, and that's Fred trying to sneak into the picture." The guy he was flirting with moaned. "I made some kick ass kids even if I only gave birth to two of those five."
"So you're an assassin?" one of them asked. Lavelle grinned and nodded. "Why?"
"Because the side of good fucked me over so much I ran into Jigen and protected him without realizing what I was doing. I was so out of it thanks to the torture I had been under I didn't realize I shot a few people and got a few vampires too. He got me healed and took me in for training. And then I learned to do a lot of things on my own because Lupin only really likes me when I have boobs." The guy nodded quickly. "The necklace does that." He tapped it and adjusted it, turning into a girl, then back to himself. Everyone moaned.
Wade was spluttering. "I need to try that."
Xander patted him. "Mine has the fertility curse on it. You'd end up pregnant."
"I...I don't think I'd like it that much." Xander grinned. Then the bad thing happened and a higher level demon appeared. Lavelle sneered and hopped up with his katana and chopped the demon to death after a few swipes. Another one showed up to look at the mess then at him. "Oh, shit," Wade muttered. "Guys, move," he called.
Lavelle wiped off the blade. "Mephisto," he said smugly. "I haven't run into you recently. Too bad your version in my world got away." The demon's eyes went wide and he looked at Xander, who grinned and waved. You could almost see the math going on in the demon's head.
"Lavelle is the me that got screwed over by the slayers. Literally."
Mephisto licked his lips then nodded. "I just came to see what the odd energy source was to see if it was a threat or usable." He fled before his head came off but he was still injured from the sword. Everyone in the bar heard the demon go 'Fuck! Harris turned into a Prince by taking half of us out!' before he fully disappeared.
Lavelle cleaned off his sword and sat down with a shrug. "I'll get him later." He took someone's beer to gulp, grimacing at it. "US beer. Damn." He finished it anyway and bought him a new one for it.
Xander grinned at a few people. "He went bad instead of going to Africa." That one slumped. "Did you ever find me that new gun?"
"Yeah, Harris. I found you two." Xander beamed and bounced over to pay him. "Thanks. I'll deliver them in the morning once the girls are at school." Xander nodded, going back to the bar.
Cable walked in and froze, staring at the new guy. "You assassinated one of our problems in the future." He had been sent after that guy and after figuring out a few things that's why he studied Xander's past history. Not that he'd tell the kid that.
Lavelle grinned at him and winked. "Happy to help, baby. I'm all for taking out bad guys who're causing problems. Buy a guy a drink?"
"I can change into a girl if you want."
"Not really," Cable repeated. "Thanks but I don't want a one-night stand tonight." Lavelle shrugged but grinned and went back to flirting with the guy he wanted to move to his world. Cable went to the bar, where Wade was gulping liquor. "How?" he asked Xander. If it was odd, Xander was usually involved. He looked between them and Xander grinned, waving some. "How?"
"Xander convention. We hold one yearly." He grinned. "That's Lavelle."
"Um, yeah," he decided, getting his own drink to gulp. Weasel got him a refill and walked off so he could go shudder in horror.
"You know, there's a few worlds where I'm twins for real. Thanks to a troll hammer in most, and Rosenburg in one case, but they manage it pretty well. That reminds me, I have to share the stuff on that D&D problem with Clint."
Wade looked at him. "A what problem? I can see a B&D problem but a D&D problem?"
Lavelle looked over. "There's a world where some of the Devon coven's kids did a spell to remake the world more magically. So it turned a lot of the US into a magical nation. Including a lot of dragons, unicorns, and magical creatures. Thankfully we helped manage it so it eased some. It'll be ended down to Hawaii in about fifty years."
"Dragons?" Cable demanded. Lavelle smiled and nodded. Xander pulled up the info for him to read over, which included pictures. "Damn it."
"The spell for this coast went from up to Prince Edward Island to Kentucky," Xander quipped. "There's a huge herd of unicorns in the city."
Cable blinked a few times. "Oh fuck," he muttered as he walked off.
"Real unicorns would hate me," Wade said. "Unlike stuffed ones. So let's not do that."
"There's a malicorn," Xander said. "They like people who aren't pure. The one of me at DCIS has a regular unicorn that only likes virgins and a malicorn as a pet for their slayers on the base. And a walking shrub demon who loves them all. So yeah, a malicorn could like you. They're very loving and that one likes to be petted and brushed by the slayers. Binky is very upset that all her virginal friends aren't as they age so she's lonely."
Wade covered Xander's mouth with a hand. "Stop. Before I get a headache that won't be solved by my healing talent." Xander just grinned at him. He moved his hand. "If we suddenly get unicorns here in the city, I'll tell the slayers so they can go coo over them."
"Tell the Catholic school girls too," one of the guys quipped. "Could help."
Weasel groaned from where he was hiding but it sounded like it was a happy groan at least.
Xander leaned over. "I can introduce you to a dirtier version of me if you want, Weasel."
"No thanks, Xander. Too much weirdness in my life to have a dirtier you on my dick."
"I'm the pretty boring Xander of all of us. I mean, no GHS, no higher level magic I use all the time, no godly powers, no super skills. I'm really boring next to some of us."
"Do not bring a GHS Xander here, Xander," Wade warned. "I don't want to have to rescue him!"
Xander hugged him. "I did bring one once, but it was to help me bait someone so I could take them out with a demonic spider up the ass." He beamed. "He liked that idea since he was into selling people. I was so happy that warlord was out of my way and his second-in-command tried to claim me so I even got some sex that night before I took him out too. Then we went to camp and giggle and have some fun." He grinned at the others. "GHS is a hormone condition that means people think you're a wanted lap kitty."
Lavelle nodded. "And we do enjoy it but hate having to fight off the people who want to steal us." He snapped his fingers. "Someone pissed off the young us and totally disgusted him so he gave some of the presents to the group, whoever didn't say no first. It's yours. I'll drop it at the house."
"Gee, thanks. Give it to Daddy Xander in Hawaii. Or the one in Georgia that got all those kids."
"Sucks but you didn't say no and you could use the weapons anyway." He grinned. "It's even the same guy that did the sparkly skull."
"Eww." He looked at Wade. "A serial killer tried to woo one of the GHS me with a skull he harvested himself, cleaned up, covered in silver, then in flesh colored stones that he built up like the people on the Discovery channel who do skulls for identification. He told us the ME that it was handed to got so very disturbed."
"I'd be disturbed too," Wade agreed. "Drink another drink, Xander. We'll cart you home and make sure the girls leave you alone with your hangover."
"I don't get hangovers. Drunk parents." He sipped is drink.
"Hey, Xander, regular Xander, which warlord was that?" someone in the back called.
"Hugo Boss wearing idiot in Somalia," Xander called back. "And his second Minor Dingle." The guy brought over his phone. "Oh, no, that's No Dingle. He was dickless when he tried to capture me and a slayer and he was still dickless when he had to let us go before I blew up his people because he wanted to create a bio bomb with my blood. I was going to use it on his people and they didn't want to die of that." He looked up the Hugo Boss warlord. "There. That's a picture of him, Dicklord, and Minor Dingle. Dicklord is dead but that wasn't me. That was a demon. He tried to come for help but the demon ate him as he got to the camping area I was using."
He grinned. "The demon liked extremities so he was sobbing when he fell into the camp." He handed the phone back with a grin. "Also, Sobriety Lady is in the back and I hate her. She nagged that I wanted a beer after a huge battle, said it was ungodly. I told her I was fighting demons so I didn't think he'd mind. She huffed off and tried to force me to have sex with her but I refused because I couldn't unbend her enough to make it fun enough for stress relief. She shrieked and moaned and her people carried her off before I blew her away." He grinned. "They wanted her uptight instead of loose, limp, and grinning like her sister was when I paid for a grenade launcher on my back."
The mercenary blinked at him. "You did what?"
"It was me or the slayer and I'd never let the slayers do anything that dirty." He looked at him. "Besides, I needed the stress relief. It was a bad month."
"I'd like a list of whoever you slept with so we can make sure they can come see you if you want them to," Wade said, grinning at him.
"Nah. Most of them can't get into the US without being smuggled. And most of them wouldn't want me for just fun. Sucks but most of them were a necessary evil not for fun. Though there was Howard and there was Marina and her many leather jackets, and there was Collette." He sighed. "She reminded me so much of Anya. And her sister, who was worse at reminding me of Anya. And her brother who was a bitch but fun in bed. I'd like to see them. Or Kyle." He grinned at Wade. "You've seen him recently."
"Did I shoot him recently?"
"Yeah, I think so. I need to see if I can get the pictures he had of me before some agent does." He frowned and looked around. "Hey, Brad, can you see if I can get the pictures Kyle had of me?"
His slayer's husband waved a hand while he drank. He thought his wife had inoculated him against being weirded out by apparently the slayer version wasn't strong enough for a full on Xander weird. "I'll ask, Xander."
"Thanks." He grinned. "Since you know about Collette and her family can you see if they can show up for some fun?"
"Not a chance," Brad quipped. "I don't want them near the slayers. My son might learn how to squeal like a girl from her brother." He downed another drink before he said more.
Xander shrugged. "Fine. Maybe I'll send them an email."
"Don't let them near my son, Xander. I don't want him to squeal."
"Fine. I won't let him meet the GHS me either then."
"Thanks." He grinned and waved. He looked at the staring guy. "I found his book from the convention and read the part on GHS. If that's released here we're all screwed."
Lavelle chuckled. "But, dear, I have a shot that can turn that on." He smirked at him. "I used it on a few annoyances in another Marvel universe. Including a few warlords, a Doom wannabe, and Reed Richards." He sipped with a grin. "Let Mr. Fantastic create another portal that screws up something in my world again." Wade and Cable both let out a loud moan. Lavelle grinned at them. "Well, I am a bad guy." He smirked before finishing that drink.
When everyone looked at the regular Xander he just grinned and waved. "I'd be the same way if Wesley had tried to screw me over and I had to take out a lot of hell to get free." Lavelle nodded, winking at him. "We should go home so you can spar with the girls. They need it."
"We can do that. C'mon, normal me."
"Sure, bad guy me." They walked out together.
Wade looked at one guy. "And you thought what about our Xander?" The guy started to cry. "Yeah. Xander's not the nice fairy in any world. Though in a few he's a dad." He walked off to go beat his head into something. He unfortunately ran into Domino first. "Don't go to the slayer house. We have another realm's Xander and he's deadly," he told her. "And flirty. And sometimes a girl." He went to Al's apartment to drive himself nuts.
"Sounds like someone I'd like to meet," she decided, going to the slayer house instead.
In the bar, someone looked at Brad. "How do we know if we get one of those GHS ones?"
Brad looked over. "They're flashy, have long hair to hide weapons in, have a sword, and will smell like candy you want to lick all over. Even if they don't want you to." He looked over. "They have tattoos to the Greek gods because they're all beloved of Strife and Cupid. They shop a lot and are kinda squealy. One of them has destroyed forty-five demon realms getting himself free." He saluted him with a drink. "If you see a long haired Xander that squeals and uses a sword, you've got one."
The whole bar nodded and got another round. Weasel was going to have a huge day and need to restock nearly everything but Budweiser. The note on the door the next day when he had to open late said 'It's Xander's fault we only have budweiser. Getting more soon, be open by noon.'
Clint Barton called in as he left the slayer house for the tower. "Stark, need to see you in the lab when I get back and please, God, have some advil or a hammer for my headache." He hung up, starting the engine of his borrowed SUV. He looked at the woman who got in next to him. "Squealing?" Clint guessed at the look on Domino's face.
"Creepy feelings. Usually I don't think Xander's that dangerous."
He nodded. "We all ignore that he can be." He drove off, going back to the tower. Domino wasn't that far from there so it helped her get home. He carried the book he had borrowed up to the lab, walking in. He grinned at Pepper and Natasha. "Did you know that there's a yearly Xander convention of all the multiverse Xanders?"
"Now that I do, I have a headache," Natasha admitted. "Is it that important?"
"Yup. There's a spell to create a D&D world." Natasha walked off shuddering. Pepper made a bad face. He let Stark have the book. "That is their problem solving book that came out over a lot of conventions. At the bookmark is that spell and the things they created to stop dragons. Xander said he is allowed to give those out for only that purpose. Not against people, higher demons, nothing but the dragon menace that spell can summon. And we'd have a lot of unicorns in town by what one of them went through."
Pepper winced, taking the book from Tony's hands to look at. "Do we know these people?"
"Mostly kids of the Devon coven. Real eco-warrior sorts." Clint took it back to hand to Stark. "Also, when you get to the GHS portion. There is a shot to turn that on." He gave him a pointed look. "Xander brought home another version of him that had his evil empire's geeks make a shot to turn that on. Which got a few warlords, some bad guys, and Reed Richards."
Stark blinked a few times, flipping until he came to that section, reading it over. He moaned. "Oh, shit."
"Yeah!" Clint grinned and nodded. "Other Xander said I have the right genes to have it turned on. So if I suddenly turn into a human lap cat....."
"We'll help you find a nice boyfriend," Stark said, looking up at him. "This is kind of horrifying." Clint nodded with a grin. "Shit." He went back to reading. "Tylenol's over there. Higher level painkillers are in the bathroom, Barton." Clint went to the bathroom to get something for his poor head and a bottle of water from the mini fridge in there. He took two and sat down to watch Stark's face as he read over all those problems. It was the best show he'd seen in days. Pepper went to make plans for the company. With her luck, Tony would get hit by that shot.
Stark finally looked over at Clint, who grinned back. "Damn they're all screwed up."
"Yup." He nodded. "The one that came back is an assassin, thief, and gunman because the slayers screwed him over. He's damn good too. He beat Deadpool all the times they sparred. Lavelle trained with a samurai."
Stark slumped, staring at him. "Could our Xander do that?"
"If the good guys screw with him too much? Yup." He nodded with a grin. "And it taught all the mercs who didn't respect Xander that he could be a lot worse. They quit trying to cheat him. Including the story where our Xander took out a warlord who had captured him with sex and a demonic spider up the ass."
Stark frowned then shook his head quickly. "I don't want to know."
"Poisonous, demonic, hard to kill spider."
"I saw those mentioned in the book and the cold bomb to solve them." He looked at him. "I'm not sure if I want to puke or throw a fit."
"Just make sure we have things we'll need against dragons, Stark. Puke later. Or I'll introduce you to the GHS Xander that showed up to hand over some presents that creeped him out. And us."
"Um, yeah. I can copy those plans and make sure they're useable."
"The cold one, one of me in another realm sets one off to keep his wives off the bikinis on the beach." He walked off, leaving him with that thought.
"Wives?" he called after him.
"He has kids too."
"Oh, yay." He frowned. "Damn." He rubbed his forehead, taking something for the headache before getting back to the book of bad ideas. "At least we'll be able to stop it sooner if someone tries it here," he decided. "Which is probably why they did it."
Cable looked at Xander once the other two had gone home. "How did you turn into that slinky guy?"
"Not that hard with the hormones." He grinned. "Plus the dance he learned as a fighting style."
"I'd probably look more swishy too if I had the hair."
Cable nodded. "Yes you fucking would, kid." He walked off. Wade had managed to crack the safe and find that choker. He was looking it over. "That hot?" he guessed, taunting him. Wade put it on and changed completely into his normal self and then into his favorite star, then back then he took it off and put it back. "The thing is evil and it's giving me ideas."
"Remember, if you're put into it, only the one who hitches it down can undo it," Xander quipped from the office. "Lavelle got stuck in it thanks to a bad guy who wanted Lupin to do something for him. He can do more than pass as a woman."
Cable shivered. "That's an evil artifact."
"Lavelle had his own kids. His version has a fertility spell on it," Wade said.
Cable nodded. "Don't touch that again unless you're going to turn into a woman and go trolling, dumbass." He walked off to go take a cold shower. Wade needed the same thing. Thankfully he was staying here in the house for a few days so his cold shower was closer.
In the office Xander sent a letter to both other Xanders so they could know how it had went. They'd be highly pleased at the plan they had hatched. Xander did pet the magic 8 ball. "Any attacks today?" It rolled over to show him that they only had patrol for tonight. "Thanks, dear." He patted it again and went to get ready for patrol. The 8 ball had wanted to come back here because it'd get a lot more playing with from the girls.
Xander called together Cable, Wade, Clint, and Tony Stark. "All right, guys," he said as he came in with bottles of water. "We have to talk about the weapons I got given recently by a GHS me that didn't want them because they creeped him out." He pulled the four cases out to let them look at them.
Tony Stark quit smiling and took off his sunglasses to stare at it. "What the hell?" he demanded. He looked up. Xander nodded. "That one's been cannibalized underneath the other obvious problem."
"I don't know how to fix that or make them less twinkly." Xander grinned. "That's why I asked Clint to bring you, Mr. Stark."
"I can see why."
Cable looked at the one nearest to him, shaking his head. "May fire but locked up it looks like."
"This one'll fire but it'll probably blind us all," Wade said, changing with him. "This one needs a lube job worse than I do."
Xander shrugged. "He thought they might work. He doesn't deal with a lot of higher weapons and they were tacky presents to him. He didn't want them around so he passed them off."
"I can see why he wouldn't want them," Stark agreed. "Some people have no taste." He pried open a panel and shook his head. "They cut the guidance system. So a large, sparkly paperweight. Sorry, kid." Xander grinned and handed over a round something, making Stark stare as he took it apart. "Oh my god," he muttered. "What is that?"
"Explosive but too powerful for our usual battles unless we send it over to them." He beamed. "I need to trade that for lesser weapons the girls can use."
Stark looked at him. "If it's that powerful...." Xander stared at him, grinning some. "Yeah, let me talk to a few people. And SHIELD."
"They'd want to confiscate. Hill warned me if they found out we had weapons again she was going to confiscate things. I told her if she tried I'd let the next problem have her as a sacrifice. It might stop it." Clint burst out laughing but nodded. "And I've found Natasha in the armory twice now. Can you spank her, Clint?"
"Gladly." He grinned. Xander grinned back, handing him something. "Yeah, she broke something."
"I'm going to hand her to the thing I would've used that on."
"I'll...talk to the woman tonight. That's not right." He went to the armory, coming back with a few more to hand to Stark, who fixed things with the stuff Xander had on hand. "Let me talk to her, Xander." Xander hugged him with a back slap. "Any other tacky things?"
"Well, one." He went into the office and came back, holding up the letter so Clint could read it then handed it to Wade. "Is he on your to do list?"
Wade read it, grimacing. "Not yet. Damn that's sick."
"Yup. So apparently he's on mine then." Cable snatched it and grimaced as he read it. "Really pitiful dickless wonder," Xander told them. He looked at Stark. "Can I impose on your giant brain? I'm kinda lost."
"Yeah, I can fix for the girls," he agreed. "I know you won't use it on normal people."
"We have that gas release soon," Xander said. "I even had two visions." He handed his file to Clint to look over. Clint growled but let Stark have it so he could talk to Natasha. And then yell at Hill.
Stark read them over carefully, wincing. "Crap."
"Two of those were oh shits," Wade agreed. "The last one you had this morning?"
Xander grinned at him. "Paulina Provascara."
Wade sat up, staring at him. "You touched that whore?"
"No. She's the next one that got told about how Anya bragged. Did you know she was a sorceress? She tried to get Dawn too. Dawn had to turn her into something slimy. And then walked off laughing. Dawn's kinda going evil if you know someone to introduce her to, guys."
Cable shook his head. "No thanks."
Xander grinned. "I doubt she'd go for you anyway, Cable. Her first crush was me and she tends to judge the others by that standard."
"Yeah, I'm tougher," Cable said.
Xander got something to hand to him. "One of the ones that wasn't shown and he's a target you'll have to deal with. I know he's on Wade's to do list." Wade snatched it and went to watch it in the tv room. They all heard Wade's ranting about that guy. Cable went to look, sighing as he stomped off. Then he complained. Xander grinned at Stark. "I love making people happy." He walked off. "Need anything I may have laying around? I have to pay bills today."
"You go do you things and we'll fix these easily enough, kid." Xander nodded, going that way.
"Xander, did you screw this one?" Wade bellowed. The two girls still in the house, who were too young for preschool, giggled at that. They were upstairs playing in their rooms.
"Nope. He wanted. I was desperate but no one's that desperate."
"Yeah, thanks for the help."
"Demonic spiders, Wade. I really like them for that."
"'I'll consider that." He went back to rewatch the battle. "That's Dawn," he told Cable with a point. He got a nod back. Mentally, Wade was swearing. A lot. Cable's face showed he was too. If there weren't two kids in the house, they'd be ranting at the top of their lungs about that battle. And the idiot who had started it. They shared a look and locked themselves in the closet in that room and let loose with all the swears they needed to get out. Then they came out, smoothed themselves out, and went to look like reasonably decent role models to the girls. They could go kill that guy really hard later that night. Wade let Stark have that DVD so he could watch it later.
Natasha looked up as Clint walked up to her. That was a bad look on his face. "What's happened?"
"You've been disabling the slayers weapons."
"They are not...." Clint held up a copy of their permission to have weapons. "SHIELD..."
"Can suck me and you and if they try it again Xander's offered to let them take the place of the weapons they'd need to kill the demon instead of giving it a sacrificial victim." He gave her a pointed look. "That offer was extended to you too." She winced. "Quit trying to screw up the girls before we all die of it. Unless you want to do that?"
"We could handle it."
"Then you go ahead. There's one tomorrow. I already know I'm going to be there. A few others are. Don't let the ones tomorrow touch you." He walked off. "If you get the girls hurt, Harris is going to take you out, Natasha. He might hate to do that but oh well." She glared at his back, going to her room to make that report. Hill ordered her to go disable the rest. And then she got taken by the demon who was trying to control her. An alert went through SHIELD's systems about it. Natasha winced and closed out her system, going to tell the others. "Hill just got taken by a demon."
"Oh well," Clint said. "She's against the slayers. She had you destroying the weapons they need to protect us from battles we can't win. Hopefully that one only wants to straighten her out." He ate a chip, staring at her.
"Harris," she started. Clint shook his head. "He could have...." Clint shook his head again. "How do you know?" she demanded.
"Xander's blown all his poker debts in the last year for things the girls need. He's playing for more now." He ate another chip and sent a text message. "Yup. Hill brought it on herself. The higher ups set it on her for being effective and doing what they wanted her to do by taking out the slayers. Xander said that the highers up over SHIELD at the moment are three-quarters demon. Of the board, not each." He looked up at her. "So yeah, go yell at the World Security Council since half of them were over the invasion in LA too." He grinned. "He'll try to get her free tonight."
"She could be dead by then," Natasha said. Xander sent an address when he asked. He showed her so she stomped off to get her guns and go fix that. The demons there captured her too but they were freeing them both from control. Then they got released that night.
Xander looked at Frank Castle before the battle the next day. "Do I need to pull out the single larger thing we have? We think it'll work and has been fixed."
"Let me try with mine, kid." He scowled as the demons came out. "Shouldn't you be with the girls?"
Xander looked down then at him. "Slayers can't do that." He did climb down the fire escape to get into the battle. "Don't let them touch you!" he reminded everyone.
"We would be nice when we play with them, Hunter," one of the demons said, smiling at him. "You look like fun."
Xander shook his head. "I'd break you in bed." She tried to grab him but he fought the hand off. "No thanks. You're not my species."
"That's racist," she sneered.
"Maybe but I'm pretty much only into human or human-like. Sorry!"
"Anya said you were fun," her sister said.
"Yeah, and she was human." They pouted. "Sucks to be you girls, but yay. Not into that." They tried to grab him again. Frank and Cable got one down and the other two screamed and rushed for them. Deadpool jumped off a building to get one of them going for Castle. Xander got the one going for Cable. Then the magic users they had brought with the minions panicked. So now it was against the minions, who were at least smaller.
"Mother fucker!" a male voice shouted.
"Don't let them touch you!" Xander yelled. "And jump in if you want!"
"Why can't we use weapons?" Nick Fury demanded.
"Um, duh! Your dumbass cunts disabled them," Xander quipped. "We have one that works but one higher level weapon won't solve this one!" Fury glared at him. He stared back. "They are!" He ducked a grab attempt. "Even if you touched me and addicted me I can break that shit with all the demon blood I've been exposed to." He beheaded that one anyway. The minions finally realized they were losing and fled with the magic users who were left. Cable fired on the portal, shattering it and making the magic users scream.
Willow showed up and closed it. "I could've done that sooner if you had told me, Xander!" she yelled.
"Bet me! You're being exposed to them, Willow." Her face changed as she worked against that magic. He finally knocked her out and the coven came to protect her. "She got exposed to their essences," he called as he walked off. "They're addicting."
"Shit," one of the coven muttered, then wiped her mouth and took them with her.
Xander looked at Fury. "Now if only Natasha hadn't disabled some of our weapons and stolen a few of them too. We'd like them back by the way. Because we've got a few more battles in the next few months." One of the dead minions got up and reached for him. Then it screamed when it touched him. Xander looked at it. "Not working. Thanks." He grinned. "Remember, I've been exposed to other demon bloods too." It shrieked and killed itself. "Hey, even easier." He took off the jacket he was wearing, putting it over his arm. "So, anyway, when can we get those back, Fury?" He walked off. "And do you need a slayer to handle the demons on the World Security Council who were partially behind the LA invasion?"
"No, I can take them out myself," he said. "Prove it."
"Ask 'em yourself. Start with Hill."
"I... Hill!" She flinched. "What the fuck?"
"I was under control. A demon group last night got myself and Agent Romanoff out from under it, sir."
"The fuck?" he demanded. "Why am I only hearing about this now?"
"I left a report for you." She backed away. Nick Fury was really mad. He was going to pick up his machete and take out someone to ease the temper, and he'd still be mad. "I've put in the recommendation to hire someone to look at all agents to see if any others are under that sort of control, sir."
Fury stomped over to her, making her back away. "Let's go do that." She nodded. "SHIELD agents, fall back and report to the infirmary for checks!" he bellowed.
"Yes, sir," a few yelled back.
"I do not want to issue an apology to Harris or the Council," he complained as he stomped off, pulling Hill with him. "We'll get to the bottom of this and fix this shit then we'll figure it the fuck out so we're backing up the slayers again."
"I'm trying," she defended.
"Uh-huh." Fury was still mad. Someone was going to die. And then probably some demons who had caused the problems. Then he'd hate himself while he made a peace treaty with the Council weirdos.
Xander shrugged, ducking the hit to his head from Cable. "Hey!"
"Dumbass, stupid shit sucking fucker," Cable said, trying to hit him again. "Don't let the evil things touch you! You warned everyone!"
"I'm not normal," Xander said with a shrug. "I know they can't really hurt me. I've been exposed to too much demon blood during battles in Africa. And a few up here. I didn't know it'd make it scream but I asked a healer and she said they wouldn't be able to addict me. So if I had to I could've been grabbed and set off a grenade in their faces." Wade hit him this time. "Hey!"
"Shut up, Xander! Don't do things like that, it's not a last ditch situation, and warn us so we're aware of these things!"
"Then they probably would've heard because they were scrying for days." He walked off shaking his head. "I'm not a kid. Quit treating me like one please."
Cable and Deadpool shared a look then looked at Castle, who was shaking his head. "The kid's weird and unsettling," Frank Castle said. "He feels creepy to me too."
"That's probably the hellmouth taint," Wade complained as he walked off. "Let me go clean up so I can nag him about injuries." He jogged after Xander. "You're my ride, Xander."
"Are you injured?"
"Nah. I'm good. The jacket covered most of it."
"Most?" Wade asked, looking him over.
"Yeah, I'm good. Scraped my hands coming down the fire escape." He grinned at him. "Not too bad for not having major weapons. Or an army."
"Where is the military?"
"No clue. Thankfully we didn't need them this time." He shot him a look. "We'll be fine. If they come to complain the house is recovered in a new fidelus. The old building is slowly being rented."
"I heard you rented out the one you bought next to the slayer house."
"Yeah, for all the safe areas and the extra rooms? That one was mine. I just had to put back up walls to separate them. I'm renting those off through Weasel with a very minimal list of rules. Things like you break it, you fix it. I'm not your mommy, clean up after yourself. If you annoy me I'm going to charge you extra rent. If someone shoots you for annoying them, I'm going to charge your estate an extra month's rent for the annoyance plus fees for anything that needs fixed and we'll definitely lie about how you died." He grinned. "He helped me set up the lease."
"That's nice of him. Going cheap?"
"Pretty cheap." He turned off the car alarm, which had been going off because someone had tried to break in. He got the groaning person off his hood, pushing them onto the sidewalk. "You'll probably want to see one of the demon healers for that, kid. I used a demon paralytic." He got in and opened the door for Wade, who was staring at the guy. Wade got in shaking his head. "It's helpful. I've kept my stereo now for over a year."
"That's almost amazing," Wade agreed. He leaned his seat back and it a cigarette. Xander rolled down the window for him. "Thanks."
"I hate febreezing the car." He drove them off, going back to the slayer house.
"Any room in that housing area?"
"One pretty big basement apartment. No rooms but big, open space you can set walls up in. Two grand a month."
"I...hmm. Saving it for someone?"
"Not really." He grinned. "Weasel might be."
"I'll have to ask him." He took another drag on the cigarette. "Where were the girls?"
"Doing what they were supposed to. Nothing a slayer could do that we couldn't since they'd be affected by the touch drugs too. If we'd had more weapons I would've let a few come to it. Kara's back."
"I thought I saw her over breakfast," he joked.
"Yeah. They snuck back the night of the school's dance." He shot him a grin. "They are back together. She was mumbling that Piotr made it so she couldn't sit and that wasn't fair since she couldn't make him that sore. I suggested a hot bath and maybe a strap-on for that." Wade choked while laughing and trying to inhale. "She said he's not into that." He shrugged. "They'll figure it out. I know she's loud with him so they've been at his rooms most likely."
"Probably on campus?"
"Probably." He parked in his magically hidden spot and turned off the car. "Okay. Put it out so I can roll back up the windows." Wade did that and Xander got the windows before getting out and turning back on the alarm system. They went inside to find Kara, Penny, and two other girls glaring at him. "We didn't have higher weapons," he reminded them. "There wasn't anything you could've done that wouldn't put you ladies in danger."
"Fine," one complained. "Where's the shopping card? We were going to go do groceries," Penny said.
"Should be in the desk drawer with my wallet." He went to look. "I'm going to beat them to death."
"Yeah, let's go find them, ladies," Penny decided, taking them up to do a room check. She brought the empty wallet down to him and took Kara with her to talk to the minis at school. That one was getting her ass kicked. They did get most of Xander's money back for him. And the slayer cards. They used them to send her to Cleveland and promised to search her things before they packed them for her. She was sobbing but oh well. She had done the bad thing and they weren't putting up with it. Then they went grocery shopping on the way back to the house so there was something for dinner.
Xander walked up to the guys at the bar that night. "Cable, can I have you follow me on a date tomorrow night? The idiot is blackmailing me with a battle video that showed I was paying attention to the minis, instead of the older mini, and it nearly got her dead."
"He's blackmailing you for a date?" he demanded.
"Yup. I'm about to sacrifice his ass but if someone else isn't there he'll be a gropey pain all night and I don't want to deal with that. And maybe you'll scare him into using manners. Because if he calls me a coward again I'm going to gut him in the middle of the restaurant and then donate the blood to a sacred rite."
"Can we just get him beforehand?" Weasel asked. "I mean, some of us can do that for a fee, Harris."
"I only got back half of what was in my wallet thanks to the brat. Besides, I can kill him myself. I just need a leash holder before I do it in the fancy restaurant when he tries to call me a coward again. I've already been warned I look very bad on the Council. I don't want fired this week."
"So you need a chaperone and think I'll scare him?"
"Bently A Thorpe, the third," he said dryly with a grin. "Is a woose. Not even a cocksucking woose because he won't. And I'm not a coward, I know that, but if I look bad on the Council they'll fire my ass and the girls will be hurt. So it's better for everyone if I have a leash holder. I'd ask Wade but he'll egg me on."
"Yeah, the dark shit would," Cable agreed, looking at Wade, who was looking that guy up. "Why do you know him?"
"He was a wannabe arms dealer in Africa who taped battles for his own personal thrills. That time, the older girls were supposed to be protecting themselves while I got the tiny ones into hiding. So it looks like I let the older minis handle a huge, meaning large, demon with six arms and a few claws while I was trying to hide. When I wasn't. And when the idiot demon attacked the girls I came out to get it for them. He's edited it by now probably.
"He's sent it to Giles, who told me it looked a lot better than the ones leaked to the news people but he did hate dealing with my ex's. When I told him the guy wasn't, he was a pathetic psychopath who thought he was good enough, he told me to have a poker contact eat him. Two other watchers have warned me to quit looking bad on the Council. Again."
"Can you get him somewhere less fancy?" Cable suggested. "Not here, because he'd probably die faster, but somewhere less fancy?"
"He sneered that I probably didn't know how to act in such a place but I'd muddle through to humor him before he put out anything from any of the other battles he taped that didn't make the news, and he hinted he had film from back when I was stripping in my horribly uncoordinated way."
"I caught you the last time you did that," Wade quipped with a grin for him. "Looked hot. Went into my spank bank for lonely nights."
"Aww, thanks. You know, he was there that night too. So you managed to avoid being smugged or drugged."
"The Justin Hammer wannabe looking guy?"
"Yup, him. Down to fake hipster glasses." He grimaced. "Hell, I wouldn't have touched him when I was desperate but right now, I really just want to poison his ass with something. It might get me attention though because I'd have to use a demon byproduct. Readily available if you go to certain places but it'd probably come back to me. I do have handling things immunity but he's not thing enough to be considered a thing."
"Not Thing One or Two?" Wade quipped.
"Hell, not even Thing from the Addams family. His hand gropes but he's even pathetic at that. And he's psycho."
"Hey, I resemble that remark," Wade complained, getting hit by Cable for it.
Xander hugged him. "You're mildly warped, dear. I'm mildly warped too. This guy...he's so far beyond Hannibal levels...I'm not sure he can have hindsight that distant to see it." Wade grinned, patting him. "You'd never tape battles so you had spank bank moments with it."
"No, I don't," he agreed. "I'm not broken that way."
"Can we take him out afterward?" Weasel asked.
Xander pouted. "I can do that myself. I just need a leash holder so I don't do in the fancy sushi place."
"Sushi? Really?" Cable complained.
"It's expensive and elite, he loves things like that," Xander said dryly. "You can have my tuna if you want. I don't like it raw." He looked at Weasel. "Is there a price on the guy?" he asked hopefully.
"Six or seven by a few governments." He smirked. "Think you can?"
"Think I haven't?"
"Wow," Weasel said. "When?"
Xander pulled up a site on his phone and handed it over with a grin. "Sometimes it's necessary when you desperately need weapons." Weasel read, going a bit pale. Xander grinned and shrugged. He got into one video that hadn't been shown, letting him see that. "They so hate me for that. I even sent back a nice note about their martyr status and how they died to defeat a demon attacking their villages." He smiled. "Them or a school."
"Them, definitely," Weasel said, handing the phone back. "You did insane shit, Xander."
"Well, yes I did. Too many times. But when it's just you and a whole bunch of scared people and demons who think your ass is a playground, you do what you gotta do."
"Like prison," Wade agreed. "Only with big, drooling demons."
"Who doesn't drool over my ass, Wade," he quipped.
"Not in those jeans," Cable said. "Too loose. Looks like you're hiding chunky ass problems." He took a drink.
Wade looked him over. "Are you wearing that?"
"I do own a suit," Xander said dryly. "Unfortunately. Thanks to one of those drooling ones I actually own three suits. When I pointed out suits weren't very helpful in my usual life she got all huffy that I'd get away from her. So I ran really far after I got free of her plots to make me civilized and like the idiot wannabe. She claimed she could be Jane to my Tarzan." He rolled his eyes.
"Is she alive?" Cable asked.
"Not my doing. She went into a town that was being overrun by militia people and lost. I did help end their threat a few days later though."
Wade blinked up at him. "Wow. You're worse than Logan."
"I drove into the village without realizing it was being taken over. Since I don't have a flee in fear switch anymore I had to fight it out." He shrugged, grimacing this time. "You do what you gotta do when it happens in front of your bumper. I'm not heroic."
"Bullshit," Wade countered. "You so hero you need spandex."
"I look bad in spandex pants. Speedos I can do. I proved that on the swim team. Spandex pants I can't do, but thanks for the vote of confidence that I could pull off a comic girl's costume."
Brad walked in and to Xander. "I have plans tomorrow night and so does Kara."
"I have a guy who's blackmailing me and other watchers who'll have Giles fire me if I look bad on the Council. So I've got to go to dinner with him before I kill him for it and take all his intel."
Brad sighed. "Why?"
Wade showed him the guy's profile. "He taped battles," he told Brad, grinning some. "For his own personal spank bank."
"That's sick," Brad complained, reading over it. "Why does he want you, Xander?"
"I'm like some monument. He thinks he can climb me and plant a flag saying he broke me. He won't. I've had worse try. I'm here to ask Cable to be a leash holder so I don't take him out in the restaurant."
Brad handed back the phone, patting him on the back. "Make it fast. I'm taking Penny out to pounce her in public." He walked off shaking his head. Penny would not believe this.
"If you can find another sitter who's good I'm fine with it," Xander called after him. "You need Penny pouncing time. It's what husbands do." He shrugged at the staring people. "He does."
Cable was shaking his head. "Can we get to him before the restaurant?"
"Yeah but he's flying in that morning. He usually Fed Ex's things to himself that he doesn't want to carry. He's overconfident, not stupid."
"Is he doing sushi because he heard about the mermaid taint?" Wade guessed.
"Yup probably even if it wasn't the most expensive and pretentious meal he could find. It won't kill me to eat fish. I just usually don't. If I was turning I'd be a slimy, dark, water monster who ate people. I don't think people would taste too good so I'm not into that."
"Does it when you give blowjobs?" Wade quipped.
"I don't eat them that way, Wade." He punched him on the arm. "Hell, I barely swallow unless I'm forced to."
"That's bad etiquette."
"Then next time they shouldn't hate on me for getting some getting off for myself. If they're not going to be for both our pleasures, I'm not going to be for their happiness."
"Not even bondage?"
"A few tried," Xander admitted. "They hated it when I got free." He grinned at him. "I'm not into bondage. That's not sexy, that's someone trying to alpha dog me and it just pisses me off."
"Can you two quit fucking flirting before I get sick?" Cable demanded.
"Nope, we're flirty," Xander quipped, kissing him on the head and ducking the punch at his face. "That's why everyone thinks I should make Wade beg me for things." He walked off. "I'm going to destroy his life about six tomorrow night, Cable."
"Fine." He looked at Wade. "Why didn't you take him up on it?"
"Because we're not compatible. He doesn't have a healing talent and I don't want to hurt him. He's not into the same things I am. He needs someone to snap and fuck him when he's teasing, not hold him down and make him enjoy it."
Cable cleared his throat. "We have got to find him someone." He wouldn't shift like an untrained boy.
"He has a list he'd like to see again but they're not anywhere near the city," Weasel complained. "We'd all like Xander to calm down. I mean, the guy played strip poker with Blind Al and lost."
"Twice," Wade quipped. "But she was happy."
"That's creepy to think about," Weasel said, walking off. "I think half the time we see Xander I need a drink."
"Better than some of the times I've seen him. Or the telepathic demons who thought I'd make him a pretty boyfriend." He shook his head quickly. Cable stared at him oddly. "Seriously, they don't speak so they shoot telepathic pictures at you. Mucho payback for me picking on his metal finding gift by shooting him pictures of my dick piercing with the way I got sent thoughts of him in various I'm bent over so take me poses."
Cable shivered. "He finally told them to stop it when they tried to get him interested and he said we're like brothers and we'd need a third in the bed. Vanessa used to warn me not to adopt him as a bed toy." He took a large drink. "She thought about flirting with Penny but she started to date Brad. She had a few fantasies about her."
Cable kicked him hard under the table. "You and Harris would be horrible in bed together."
"Especially with the way he likes people to squeal. Two of his ex's said they missed the squealing for days afterwards. One is still missing the squealing."
"More than I need to know; shut the fuck up, Wade."
"Fine." He finished his drink, going to get another one.
Xander leaned out of the kitchen the next day when Cable and Deadpool showed up. "Wade, someone wanted me to go as you for Halloween. Apparently they think I'd look hot in the uniform."
"You'd never fit in mine. Your shoulders are more broad."
Xander grinned. "I could probably get my own red spandex and mask. It's available in stores."
"Don't tell me that. I'll sue for using my glorious image," he said in complete deadpan.
"Hey, Bruno, come show Uncle Wade your new stuff," Penny called from the tv room. Bruno came squealing down the stairs wearing his first official big boy panties. "He picked them out himself," she called, leaning over to grin at them. "He was so happy and cooed about you being on them."
Wade looked down at the little animated him on the big boy panties, patting Bruno on the head. "When I die you can have my katanas, Bruno. Go hug Mommy?" Bruno pouted at him so he hugged him. "Yup, just like me." Bruno showed Xander, who hugged him. Then he went running to mommy to make her show the uncles how well he went potty like a big boy. Penny handed Wade a book so he got a good reward this time too. "Why?"
"He gets a new story when he goes poop," she said. "It's how you potty train kids, Wade."
"Fine." He settled down to read to the little guy. It was creeping him out but yeah, that was being a good uncle. "You know," he told Bruno. "I'm not a good role model for you. I drink, swear, and sometimes use cocaine. You should not grow up like me. Grow up like your daddy. He's a stand up guy." Bruno hugged him with a grin so he went back to reading.
Cable smothered a grin but spotted Penny's smug look so she had planned that. Xander was trying not to laugh. "You nearly ready, kid?"
"Yeah. Let me go put on the suit." He went up the stairs and came down wearing a nicely fitting suit. Which still made him feel like a dork. He was putting on a watch and made sure he had his wallet too.
"Brad needs a suit like that," Penny quipped. "Maybe in blue though."
"You shop for the man, find him one," Xander said.
"All right. Let's not go kill the guy until after the dinner. Don't try to hand feed me either."
"I don't expect you to pretend to be my boyfriend, Cable. Really. Just my leash holder." He smirked. "Before I break and start a huge problem with some of the poker buddies by having to pick one to donate his blood to. See you at bedtime, Bruno." The baby hooted and waved so Xander waved back. "Laters, dear. Keep the kids sane, Penny."
"I do try," she quipped. She picked up the same book to read to her precious, weird offspring. When Brad came in she poked the baby and pointed.
"Dada! Wade!" he cooed, getting up to run over and show him the big boy panties. "Wade!"
"I can see you're wearing Uncle Wade. That's kinda freaky, son." He grinned at him. "I'd rather you not turn into your Uncle Wade."
"Wade tried to tell him he was a bad role model and influence," she said with a grin.
Brad stared at his wife. "You're getting it later, dear," he said with a smirk. "For all those bad thoughts until they go away." She grinned back, wiggling some.
"Dada!" Bruno complained.
He picked him up to hug him. "You're an excellent boy and you'll never have the same funny ideas your mommy has, Bruno. Let's go look in the armory." The baby hooted and wiggled in happiness all the way in there. Penny got comfortable for a long wait. Her baby did like weapons. And Bruno did too.
Weapons foreplay was how she had gotten pregnant. Both times. So maybe it'd be a long, loud happy night. She did have some dirty thoughts....Brad in that suit. Or in Deadpool's uniform. With Cable's guns.... Yeah, she could go for that once the kid went to bed.
Though she did now have a mean idea for Halloween.
"I can't believe you took him out with a lobster," Wade complained as they came back with Cable that night. He looked around. "Looks like the kids are in bed."
Xander grinned and patted him. "I could've used the shrimp but it would've been more obvious." He walked up the stairs. "Let me get out of the monkey suit." He found something on his bed, grinning at that mean idea Penny had. Hormones were fun for mean ideas. He came down with the book and in jeans and a t-shirt. "Here, someone sent it to me. Not sure if it was the Xander in the comic owning world or Lavelle. He's a comic geek too." He went to the kitchen. "Need anything, Cable?"
"No, not right now." He looked at the comic and groaned. "Hulkpool? And who's Gwen?"
"Spiderman's girlfriend," Wade complained. "Not funny, Xander."
He came out with a cup of coffee. "Not my doing. That's been around for a while now." He grinned. "I know one of the girls was thinking about going as you for tribute. Though I think she was going to go as Dogpool."
Wade shook his head quickly and looked at the little screens he could see then at Xander again. "Why are they picking on me that way?"
"She really looks up to your fighting skills but she loves dogs. She's gone as a dog most years." He grinned. "Last year she was an instagram dog filter."
"Fuck," Wade complained.
Xander patted him on the arm. "At least they're not going as Cable. One wants to go as Rogers and he got all creeped out by that habit too."
"Yeah, I can see why."
"Hey, no chaos sorcerers this year who'll turn the kids into their costumes for chaotic power raising," Xander quipped with a grin. "Though I really do rely on those memories some days."
Wade looked at him. "I don't want to know, Xander. You're just a bit more warped than I am." He walked up to his room, going to collapse and groan. He found Bruno in there in his big boy panties and a t-shirt that had a hand-drawn Cable face on it. He took a picture then came down to show Cable. Who blushed a tiny bit. "Where's Penny?"
"I'm hoping they found another sitter so she's out having sex in public like Brad promised they'd have. Why?"
"Bruno's on my bed." He stared at him.
"All her idea, Wade. Remember last time's mean pranks?"
"Yeah," he sighed. "I do." He frowned. "I can nap on the couch."
"I can move Bruno. He's used to napping in my room anyway." He went up to grab the kid and put him onto his bed then came back down. "Only a bit of drool on your bed."
"That's fine. I do the same thing when I sleep." He went to have a mental breakdown in private so he didn't have to think about dozens of mini Deadpools.
Cable burst out laughing. "That's...yeah, I can see that prank." He grinned at Colossus as he came down the stairs. "You're babysitting?"
"Da. The girls were good for us, Xander."
"Of course they were. They always are." He patted him on the arm. "Thanks, Piotr."
"Welcome. The one who was your date?"
"Gone!" He grinned. "Before he decided to try ritual sacrifice for fun while knowing they probably wouldn't answer him." Colossus shuddered. "Yeah, saved one of your teammates too. He was going to start with Rogue."
"She would've made him pay for that," the big guy said. "I'm going back to Kara's room."
"You know I don't care and that's up to her. You're both big kids." Piotr smiled but headed back up there. He grinned at Cable. "Go steal a room." He went up to his own to cuddle Bruno and read to him when he got woken up. Wade came in and flopped down to watch him. "Let me guess, someone decided me babysitting was me being a creepy sort?"
"Yup. I pointed out it wasn't like that. He said it had to be since you're always around kids. When I told him why he got all horrified that you're a watcher. So he's going to leave you alone before you break his face extra hard."
"Point him out and I'll gladly do that. I don't want that rumor started." Bruno hooted so he got back to reading to him. The baby slowly drifted off on his shoulder so that was fine. They were all about asleep when Brad came in to steal the kid back.
"Your mommy has funny ideas, Bruno. We need to go talk to her about them before you become an elephant for the holiday."
Xander grinned at his back then looked at Wade, who was snoring. Xander shrugged and left it there. If Wade didn't want to be alone, it was fine with him. He had slept next to others in the past. Nothing more would come of it so they were good.
Xander walked into Sister Margaret's the next day and hit someone so hard he was knocked onto the floor. "That's for thinking I'm an asshole like you. Projecting much?" The guy got up with a yell and Xander beat him badly enough that he wasn't getting back up. "You're a sick fucker and I'm not like you. I don't hurt little kids. I don't appreciate you saying I do to make yourself look less bad. Nor do I want to kill you. You're going to be a great example to all the other liars out there who take me training the girls as something evil. Or you can commit suicide and amuse us all." He stared down at him. The guy pulled his gun. "Well? I'm waiting. You have two choices."
"Harris," Weasel called. Xander held up a hand. "Don't make him...." The guy shot himself in the head. "Holy fuck."
Xander looked at him. "No, he was a sick fuck and took himself out of the way so he can't hurt any more kids." He looked at the guy's friend, who shuddered and backed away. "Did you help him hurt his stepdaughter?"
"No! He was?"
"She reported it. They decided not to press charges." The guy shook his head, getting up and walking away. "Thank you. At least *you* never tried to blame me for babysitting." He walked off. "So, Weasel," he said with a grin. The guy backed away. "Yeah, I heard he was spreading lies that I had Bruno all the time for a few days because I was bad toucher and shit. Not likely. I was getting guy time in. It's the only time I get guy time anymore. And frankly, I've taken out three watchers that were like that so I know *I'm* not the problem."
"No, I never thought you were and anyone that tried to tell me that I've countered, man." He took another step back.
Xander grinned. "Thanks. That means a lot to me." He looked around then put the papers on the bartop. "How do I do that?"
He looked and moaned. "That's big shit."
"I know. And I know this one," he said with a point. "But if I go near him he'll try to kill me again because I wouldn't let him fuck me. I apparently made him look less manly to his people because I fought back when he captured me after a battle. I'd have his sister play go between but I don't want to fuck her again so I don't want to go there. She was...well, nasty is a nice thing to say about her and her clap I guess." He grimaced but let it clear up. "Can you help?"
"Yeah, I can do that."
"Think you can play in our leagues, Xander?" one of the mercenaries sneered.
Xander looked at him. "I don't think you can play in mine. I don't usually have to take out anyone except during battles. Unfortunately it's happened that I did have to do it outside battles and I'm not going to do more than take a note from Anya's playbook. They annoyed me, they inconvenienced me, they died for trying me, so therefore they can compensate me for having to deal with them." The mercenary laughed. "Seriously. People who piss me off that way I make pay for my time. I'm a busy guy. I don't have time to play with their piddling shit. Hell, that one I was taking down a biolab that was causing a problem and he wanted me to be his pookie bear. Nope. I was busy." He looked at Weasel again with a hopeful grin. "Please help?"
"I can do that, Harris. Need a drink?"
"Nah, I've got parent/teacher conferences all day today. Between the three bad role models of slayers half the girls are being cunts this week and I really know I'm not allowed to beat them but sparring practice does happen three days a week." He grinned. "Or more for them." He walked off. "Let me go nag a slayer, and a teacher who's a hater."
"Change into better clothes," Weasel called after him.
"Can't. It's this or suit and I'm probably going to have something try to attack me somewhere today because I turned down a higher demon who demanded I pray to him for favors. Since I refused with a flamethrower," he admitted as he walked off, waving over his shoulder.
"That guy is not right," the mercenary complained. "But he's friends with Deadpool so I guess that makes sense."
"You'd shit yourself the first time you had to handle a huge demon with a sword. So would I," Weasel said. "He's not a mercenary but we do get some work going after his lovers." He walked off to contact the people over that contract price. That one was highly amused that it had been Xander and agreed he would gladly pay Xander for taking out his rival with a lobster of all things. He had to counter the thought that Xander would want him to pay him in person, and probably would like some clothes.
Weasel reminded him that Xander didn't have a need for designer clothes. They got ruined in battles. So the guy would send someone to pay Xander off for that service. The others were nicer and easier to deal with. They were law firms who handled those sort of contracts and had the money in sealed accounts. Though one knew who Xander was and that was almost scary. He had no idea about Wolfram and Hart but they had always been creepy. He turned and found Penny sitting at the bar with Bruno but she was pouty. "What did you do now?"
"Brad said my idea for halloween for Bruno was weird. I was thinking a full house concept of costumes."
Weasel considered it. "Like an anime?" She grinned and put the comic on the bar top. He looked and sighed. "He'd think you were picking on him."
"Friends can tease you."
"Yeah but he won't see it that way."
"Fine." Bruno hooted and waved. "That's very nice of you, son. Hey, Herbert."
"Penny, kid." He nodded at them. "You look cuter carrying him than Harris did."
"Xander said that was the only guy time he ever gets." She grinned. "That and when Brad or Piotr comes over. Poor guy hasn't had a steady guy influence in his life since his best friend was taken at fifteen. I'm hoping Bruno becomes kinda like mix between his daddy and his uncle Xander." Cable stomped in, making her blush.
Weasel stared at her. "Do you honestly have a crush on big and deadly there?" he hissed at her, leaning closer.
"No! I had dirty thoughts about Brad wearing Wade's uniform and Cable's guns." She grinned since Cable had heard and groaned at that. "A girl's gotta dream."
"Uh-huh. Brad could probably use my guns. He does weird things with Xander."
"At least he did take sword lessons so he can be of real help. If Xander ever admits that he's injured."
Cable grunted. "I hate when he does that."
"No one else to fill in," she shot back, glaring a tiny bit. "None of the other watchers are as hands on as Xander is with us. Most of them get someone else to spar with the girls. They don't go into battles with their girls. Even Giles barely goes into the field because he wasn't trained for it. We need a lot more like Xander but the old Council is highly against making more watchers like him because it makes them look like the weak asses they are. Most of them are sitting in the library reading sorts, not training, teaching, talking to teachers watchers. Which is why Xander's house is the favorite one but we've overloaded it. Sixteen other slayers asked to come up here to train with Xander and there's not enough room."
Cable shook his head. "We help."
"You guys do help and we like that." She patted him on the metal arm. "But you're not going to be there for every little thing. And you're not going to step in to play dad for the girls that don't have one. Even Brad can't be there all the time because we need him too and sometimes he's off doing jobs so we can afford to live outside the slayer house. Because being the house mom drives me fucking nuts."
"I can see why," he agreed. "We do when we can."
She nodded. "We appreciate that a lot. We never discount any helpers because we know how rare it is. Xander had to blackmail some of the ones in Africa to step into battles. And taunt a few militias." She looked at Bruno then at him. "You guys help a ton. And make sure Xander has some guy time that's not stealing Piotr or my husband. Hopefully the younger girls will find nice people to be with in a relationship that can act as their personal watchers the way Brad does mine and Piotr does Kara.
"Only ten slayers over the age of eighteen in the more civilized parts of the world are married. Six of the African ones are but two aren't happy with their not-their-choice husbands. Especially since one tried to have their minister burn her for being a slayer and doing her duty. Her whole town is blaming her for doing what she had to do to save them all. She's taken the kids and went to another slayer to get away from him before she accidentally hurt him. Xander sent him a poisoned frog for his shit and reported the minister to his religious overlords, not that it'll do any good."
"You girls see a lot more harshness than a lot of us," Weasel told her. She nodded. "It's good here in the US?"
"Now that we're not being attacked every other day?" she asked dryly. "Our addresses printed so that we're attacked at home? A few girls who had to escape 'the good old boys who didn't mean no harm' when they were trying to retrain them to be proper women? Because being tough enough to protect themselves made them feel bad but then the same guys yelled if they were asked to help defend themselves? No, it's not." Weasel nodded at that.
"Talking to the younger slayers, a lot of us wouldn't be protecting the people if we didn't feel guilty each time someone got injured. And that's all from us, not from anything else outside the people that proclaim us horrible for having to do that duty. I'm kinda glad I retired back to big battles only. I only get half the hell the girls get because I'm semi-retired. The others who retired after college feel the same way.
"Kara bluntly got flunked from a class when she told the whining teacher that she was welcome to jump into battles if she didn't like being saved by girls. The woman threw a fit at her in class and called a social worker, who told her to grow the fuck up and act like a real woman but told Kara she could probably use therapy for her anger issues. When pointed out that was a double standard and she was angry because people like that teacher made her a savior when she didn't want to be, the social worker burst out crying and stomped off insulted."
"The school gets a lot of the same stuff with their kids on teams," Weasel said. He patted Bruno on the head to calm him down.
"Yeah, they get the army breaking in to steal them," she agreed with a nod. "We've had that and radical yahoos and others. That's why we have a shielding spell so no one can find the house. The Professor wouldn't have his school get that bad. But even he hates that we have to fight to save people and we're not mutants. He totally hates on Kara a lot and prompted Jean Grey to break them up however she wanted." Cable winced at that. She punched him on the arm. "Thankfully Piotr is sticking up for himself. We like a lot of the people at the school, and we'll gladly help with some of their battles if we can, but a few of them out there I'd like to do without."
"When Xander first moved up here he had to point out that the demon communities could help the mutant communities," Weasel told Cable. "He put it that they needed to row up the same stream in the same direction. That's why the mutant orphanages got started and protected by the demon mafia."
"I've seen that and I appreciate that it's a great thing. Aren't the girls...."
"Some," Penny agreed. "We have plenty of safe places we can go in the demon community. The healers are great to us. Super great to us because there's been some f-ed up excuses for ER visits with some of us." She shrugged. "We go to schools that have mutant and demon inclusions. And we protect them if something happens."
"I get that." Cable patted her on the shoulder. "You guys do good work."
"Which is pretty muchly Xander's fault. And some Buffy's but she was more about making peace with the peaceful community for things like kitten poker. The old liners have a point, Xander has changed the calling and the way slayers do things. A lot for the better." She looked at Bruno. "Did you just fart on Mommy?" He grinned at her. "Let's go check your butt, son. I know there's a few people in here who shouldn't see your butt." She got up, going to the bathroom with him.
Weasel leaned on the bar, nodding at Cable. "Xander has the same tiredness," he said quietly. "Plus he's kinda alone a lot since he doesn't have a lot of friends. He's compared himself to a suburban housewife who guzzles wine a few times."
"I'd help fix that when I'm nearby."
"Which we like," Weasel agreed. "Not like most guys who're Xanders age. He really needs more guy friends." Penny and Bruno came back. "You look happy."
"He had just farted and used the potty like a big boy." She grinned. "Can he have a few pickles?"
"Sure. That's an important step."
She let out a wicked grin, hiding it in Bruno's hair. "He got so happy when he picked out his first pair of big boy panties that had his Uncle Wade on them. He even showed his uncle." Weasel burst out laughing. "He adores his uncle. Has since he quit kicking because Wade talked to him."
"Wade talks to everything," Cable said, getting hit on the arm. He winced. "Sorry."
She grinned. "Wade kept him from killing my lungs one night. He was very heroic to calm my unborn son down. Didn't stop him from starting a hernia during the birth. Or the new one starting a new one already. She's a strong girl."
"Slayer?" Weasel asked quietly.
"Can't be sure until she's born. Then we'll test her blood and look for the mole. Bruno's got both gifts and I'm not sure where his X gene came from but he's looking like a minor telekinetic. I had Piotr test him for a few things."
Cable turned to look at him, shaking his head. "Minor TK, minor healing," he told her after scanning the kid. She beamed, hugging him. "Nothing too strong though."
"That's fine. It'll probably help him on patrol."
"I'm not sure if he'll self heal," Cable admitted.
"Hey, him being able to heal minor patrol injuries when it's his time? That's a great thing."
"Point." He patted the kid on the head. Bruno was staring at his chest. "What are you doing?" Bruno got handed over. Bruno leaned closer to look at his chest, then stole a knife from his belt and tried to nurse on him. "Okay, nope. You're a lot like your favorite uncle, kid." Weasel fell down he was laughing so hard. Penny took him back. Bruno wouldn't give up the knife yet but was happy enough with that. Cable wiped off the bite mark on his chest.
"We need to send that to Wade," Weasel giggled. "He'll adore it."
"He's going as Babypool for the candy stroll," she said with a grin. "He demanded." Weasel burst out with new giggles. She pinched Cable on the cheek. "Let me get him home before I have to win the dead pool the bar holds." Two mercenaries sneered at her. She handed Cable the baby and went to beat their asses. Brad walked in and hit them both on the back of the head for her. "Baby, I had it."
"I know you do." He grinned. "You're damn good at it too, sweetie." He took a kiss. "Aww, there's my son." He took the baby from Cable, looking at the knife. "Want mine?" He handed over the pocket knife so Bruno gave up Cable's dagger. "Good boy."
"He stole his knife and tried to nurse," Penny said with a grin. "He's so like his favorite uncle."
Brad kissed her. "You're so warped and I'm tired." She beamed. "Let's get some lunch. You can have a milkshake because you need calories badly, dear." He walked her out, walking over the two on the floor.
Cable looked at Weasel. "I can see Wade doing that." Weasel laughed but nodded as he walked off texting Xander and Deadpool that funny story. "Got anything for me to handle today?"
"Take Xander to buy clothes," Weasel ordered. "Everyone's calling him a slob because he's only got four outfits. He has flashbacks to shopping thanks to Buffy so he won't go into a mall or most stores without being forced or carried."
"Yeah, I can do that. There's easy ways to get new t-shirts and pants." He went to get Xander for some guy shopping time. Though he was at the school so Cable had to wait on him chewing someone out. Xander came out shaking his head with one of the slayers. "She expelled?"
"The teacher tried to grab her by the hair for having the opinion that boys can handle their own hormones and she didn't like that. So we have already called a social worker on her and the three slutty things in her class that she encouraged to dress that way so the boys had someone to stare at."
"I'm definitely not like that," the slayer agreed. "If you two wanna go on a date, I can go hide in the library or something."
"Or we can put you in the other school," Xander said with a grin for her. He saw a parent getting out and stomping toward the school. "Barbara!" he called, getting her attention. He waved her over and took out his phone to show pictures. "I had to move this one because she told the teacher that boys had to handle their own hormones and she wasn't going to dress slutty so they had someone to stare at for that purpose. I called a social worker," he said with a grin. "Though your daughter's hiding in the back of the room so tightly tied up I think she's scared."
She looked at the pictures, grimacing. "She didn't leave in that today." She handed the phone back. "Do you think my Presley's in trouble?"
The slayer shook her head. "No. The teacher tried to get her to get up to give a reading in class and she refused. She's been crying non-stop for the last few days too." The mother frowned. "I don't know why but the last time I saw a girl doing that she had been assaulted."
"She's never out of the house."
"She's here," the slayer said with a hand wave. "And some of the boys are being huge dicks about getting themselves serviced. I was already suspended twice for breaking a basketball player's arm for trying me. I don't know what happened but she's been crying non-stop when she's not in class."
"I'll talk to her. Thank you, Amanda and Xander." She patted Xander on the arm, going in to get her daughter to talk to her. The principal blew off that they had been trying to grope her against her will so the angry mother took it to the school's board and donors that night after withdrawing her daughter. She did take a picture of one girl and sent it to her mother with a nice note of 'found this in class when I came to rescue Amanda from the groping she's trying to fight off'.
Xander grinned at Cable. "I have to get her into the other school."
"I can have a day off," Amanda quipped.
"I'm not going to jail because you're skipping," Xander said dryly. "C'mon. Into the car." She huffed but did that. He looked at Cable. "Huge problem here beyond the teacher and principal?"
"Weasel told me to come show you how guys shop for t-shirts that aren't stained."
"I usually go to the Army/Navy store anymore. At least there I don't have flashbacks to Buffy." He walked off. "Give me two hours?"
"Yeah, I can do that. Meet me at that diner Wade likes?"
"Have no idea where that is. Not like he takes me on dates," he shot back with a grin. "Meet you near Times Square?"
"Yeah, that's fine." He got in and drove off once Xander had. "Dates?" he snorted. "Not likely."
Xander walked Amanda into her new school, grinning at the secretary. He held up one of the pictures of the class. "Her teacher was making the girls dress that way so the boys had someone to stare at. Amanda has sense and didn't want to be a sacrificial victim to them. And the principal agreed with the teacher about it being sound educationally. You might be getting the other five since one's not eligible to go here by her scores." He beamed.
"Let me get the things to enroll her, Mr. Harris." She smiled. "I'm glad my girls didn't go there."
"I about kicked that teacher's ass when she tried to tell me I had to look like a whore for the next week," Amanda admitted quietly. "I'm not old enough to club hunt yet and I don't want to look like that anyway."
The principal came to the door. "What happened?" Xander handed over the pictures. "Oh, dear."
"The teacher made them," Amanda said smugly. "And the principal agreed it was a good thing so the boys could study without having to create any other distractions."
"I *so* had a fit," Xander said with a grin. "Would you like the other five girls who qualify to go here?"
"Yes, we'd adore it, Mr. Harris. Come along, dear. Let's get you enrolled so you can start today with the other girls."
"I was hoping for a day off but Xander said no," she sighed, but followed her. The principal smiled at her for that admission. They got everything settled, Xander sent in a report on why they were changing the schools, getting a yell back from Giles about that teacher's fallacies of education. So apparently it was a scotch morning in Cleveland. He'd ask what had happened but as long as he didn't have to fix it he'd ignore it for now. Not his house, not his girls, not his problem. Though he did show Amanda so she could warn the other girls. Buffy often texted to pout at the other sane slayers when things went that bad in Cleveland.
The principal looked over so Xander showed her. "It's not my house, not my girls to fix, not my problem. But Buffy will probably try to call." The principal smiled at him for that. He looked at Amanda. "Just think, the one girl that can't go here is going to a catholic school." She shuddered. "Yeah!" He grinned at her.
"No, I'll be a great student here, Xander. I promise I will be. I'll be a model student most of the time." He patted her on the back and handed her five bucks for lunch then shook the principal's hand before leaving her there. "He really does do too much. All the girls want to come up here to study under him because he has sense and does dad things." She slumped in the seat. "Can you not put me in higher maths? I really hate math."
"We can put you into algebra. Your test scores would indicate geometry."
"Which I've flunked twice now. I *hate* math, ma'am. I might understand it but I'd like to assassinate all the numbers in the world before I go back to calculus."
She smiled. "I can understand that. Have you passed algebra?"
"I wouldn't mind going back to that if I had to but I really hate math. Can I just skip math?"
"Sorry. One per year, dear."
"Shoot." She grimaced. "Business math stuff?"
"Is easier," she agreed. "Not too many formulas outside things like taxes and withholdings." The girl grinned. "Fine, we can do that. Gym?"
"I'm okay with that as a stress outlet."
"That's fine then. We'll put you with a student to help you settle in. None of the other slayers, they're all in different grades but I do have this one charming boy Peter who can do it. He needs some extra credit after missing some days." She had him sent for.
Amanda looked over as the lanky kid walked in. "Hi, I'm Slayer Amanda. I know I've seen you somewhere."
"Yeah, I've seen you at a protest in Times Square. I was covering it for my after-school job with the paper." He shook her hand. "New?"
"My last school had teachers who wanted the girls to dress like hos to give the boys targets so they could study afterwards. I refused and threw a huge hissy fit at her for it." She grinned. "And Xander called a social worker."
"That's cool. I can show her around, Principal Nicely."
"Thank you, Peter. You are a nice boy." She handed over the printed class schedule. "There you go. You probably have the same lunch as some of the girls."
"I know I do. That's fine." He grinned at Amanda, who smirked back. "C'mon, it's nearly time for third period." He walked her off, giving her sideways looks.
She punched him on the arm. "Not like I don't know that life, Peter," she said quietly.
"Only you and Ned here know."
She looked at him. "I think they're just being subtle." She waved at one of her sister slayers in the hall. "Xander sent me here."
"Good! That last teacher needed her credentials pulled out with her brain from her butthole." She grinned at Peter. "See you two at lunch?" She looked at the schedule. "Xander's going to complain that you're dumbing yourself down." She hit her on the arm and walked off. "Have fun." She told the other slayer in her next class so they were all aware the other school was about to be shut down. Xander didn't play with their health, safety, and sanity. And he knew a lot of other angry parents to help him. The teacher stared at them. "The other school some of us go to is about to be shut down for encouraging whoring and sexual assault." She grinned. "Amanda's already here. You'll see her sixth period."
"That's fine," the teacher agreed. "I'm sure the principal is not amused. A school shutting down suddenly is hell on the rest of us as we fit things in." He put the assignment up for them to start on. "Let me talk to the principal for a minute." He went to do that since he was the first year students' academic advisor. "How many more should I expect?" he asked the secretary.
"Sixteen calls so far." He winced. "Three already qualified. Five other slayers as well that qualified. Harris was so pissed he was grinning sadistically again."
He winced. "Great. Let me know. What were they doing?" She let him see the facebook post that had already went up. "Oh, dear. Sure. Let me know how many new students I have to advise." He went back to his class. This was going to be horrible for the upper level schools in the city. All sorts of parents touring and kids they'd rather not have infecting their normal ones. The slayers had their own little group thankfully so they didn't get too bothered by haters. He did hear someone fighting and went to check on it. "What's going on?" he demanded.
Amanda looked over. "The part succuba here tried to stab me." She pointed at the knife on the ground. "Mine's still in my backpack." She lifted up the corner of her shirt to show off the minor wound. "See?"
"I can. We have a school nurse..."
"I'm Amanda," she said with a grin. "It'll be healed in a few hours. I'm fine. Just a scratch." She grinned.
"Would your watcher like that?"
"He does it all the time then yells at us," she admitted. She walked over to wake Peter up. "Morning," she said with a grin. "You got knocked out by a succubus. Not sure if you'd be happy she wasn't hitting on you."
He sat up, looking at the downed girl then at her. "She tried, I wasn't interested." She helped him up. "You okay? I can show you where the nurse is."
"Small scratch." She shrugged. "I've had worse in sparring practice with Faith." She looked. "I'm in there, right?" He nodded, letting her flee to go to class like a good girl. Peter followed because he had this science too. The teacher was still spluttering.
Amanda grinned and held out her hand. "I'm Amanda, sir. I was studying under Doctor Persvary."
"You poor girl," he said. "Sit down next to Ned, Amanda." She did that when he pointed at the only free seat. He got her the books she'd need and looked out there then at Peter. Then at Amanda, who shrugged. "She's..."
"Probably looking to hook up and thought I'd be too hot for her to get around. Even though I'm not interested in that stuff at the moment. Xander said no single one-on-one dates until our senior year."
"I like that idea," the teacher said as he walked off. "I need to use it on my daughters. We're doing chemical mixes. Get Ned to fill you in, Amanda."
"Yes, sir." She grinned at Ned. "Hi, I'm Amanda. The principal said to follow Peter around today."
"That's fine," Ned agreed, nodding at her. "You're not normal."
She pulled her wallet with the slayer keychain on it from her waistband to put on the table. "Not hardly. But I'm great in chemistry." She got her experiment hooked up quickly and got into the exercise of the day. Ned looked at Peter, who shook his head slightly but was grinning. After that was lunch and she nearly squealed as she hugged her favorite trouble buddy. Ned looked at her. "You know she's a slayer, right?"
Amanda grinned. "I know, I live across the hall from her. We're trouble buddies when Xander lets us out of the house."
"Oh, wow, that's what you were talking about," Ned said. She nodded. "That's cool. Lunch line?"
She went to get something to eat, and paid for half of it herself since slayers ate like a football team. Then they pulled Peter and Ned to their table to talk to them. Ned seemed nice and he clearly had some sort of a clue about Peter. So that was cool with them.
"Oh, look, new girl likes nerds," one of the cheerleaders sneered.
Amanda looked back. "I'm not looking to pounce him, Princess of Ick. Thanks though." She grinned. "And by the way, that shirt's on inside out. Did you do that on purpose?" The girl looked horrified as she stomped off. "You have a great day," she called with a wave after her. She looked at the others. "I'd never invoke the three fold rule of karma by wishing someone harm. Why do I want to be in the hospital?" They quit staring at them.
"You do liven up a place," her buddy said dryly, smirking at her. "They leave us alone. The girls challenged us to a moves contest at a club one night and we won by a lot. The incubus judging got very happy." She shook her head but drank her milk.
Peter looked at Ned. "They live a much more wild life than we do."
"It was a training club hunt," another slayer said. "We went with Xander to prove we could handle ourselves in a loud, crowded environment. We're only allowed on training ones until we've graduated high school. He's real fierce about that." She grinned. "And he does allow us to have friends over for studying times if you want into our library for the history paper due next week."
"Yeah, I probably could. There's almost nothing on the war she gave me in the big public library."
"We have sources dating back to the demons owning the earth times," Amanda quipped with a shrug. "Our summer class on slayer and Council history covers sixty thousand years and then skips back to cover another forty thousand. Thankfully we only have to have it once and most of us do it our fifteenth year as a break from weight training or something. Or in Kara's case cooking classes." She rolled her eyes.
"At least she can cook," her buddy said. "I suck at it. When I move out on my own I'll starve."
"Xander will take us to any lessons we want," Amanda reminded her.
"True. I might go to cooking classes this summer so I don't starve." They got down to eating. "Is sparring tonight?"
"Sparring's tomorrow night," Amanda said. "Xander has training time tonight with the older girls." They all nodded. "Oooh!" she squealed with a hand flap. "While you were out on training last night with Kara, Penny started Bruno on potty training. He was so happy his first pair of little boy pants were his favorite Uncle Wade. He squealed when he showed him and everything." She grinned. "Wade told him he was a bad role model but let Bruno cuddle him for it." They all grinned. She grinned at Peter. "We adore Wade. He helps keep Xander normal and he spars with us a few times a week if he's local."
"I know Wade," he admitted with a grin and a nod. "That doesn't really surprise me that he's a bad role model for a kid. Big kids, maybe better." He sipped his milk with a head shake. The girls laughed but agreed. Wade was definitely a role model for a bigger kid. All the slayers looked up and toward one direction. "That's the neighbor guy," Peter reminded them. "He's a stock broker." They sighed and got back to their food since it wasn't a problem they'd have to handle. Peter and Ned shared a look.
Amanda grinned at him. "We have six more girls at that school I was at but one didn't pass the test for here." She ate another bite, looking around. Yup, there were the other girls. She waved them over and they came over to sit with them. "Xander?"
"Penny had a mom fit and came to get us when the principal said the school was shut down for the day." The younger girl smiled at Ned. "I'm Sylvia." She held out a hand.
"Ned. This is Peter." Peter waved since his mouth was full.
Sylvia grinned at them. "We don't have anyone like Amanda's teacher here do we? I was being judged totally on the bimbo scale by her. She told me I'd do fine in her next year's class. I got suspended for telling her if a boy touched me I was breaking his face in and then making him an example by hanging him from a window. She wasn't happy that girls didn't want to be sexual objects."
"No, we have a few who'll treat you as a bimbo," Ned said. "But nothing that drastic. Watch out for the lower grades' PE teacher and the biology teacher." The girls who were experienced with the school nodded at that.
"I can do that," she decided with a grin. She looked at the bigger girls. "When should I talk to Xander about surgery?"
"Next week," Amanda said, looking her over. "Damn you got blessed."
"Yeah, don't remind me." She sighed.
Peter patted her on the hand. "We're a pretty tolerant school so if you're trans or something that's cool around here."
"I'd just like to be flatter. Though one of the girls is trans and he'll be transferring in next semester sometime. Giles isn't sure what that even means." Peter nodded at that. "But he's pretty cool. He can be the bigger first boy slayer with Bruno."
"As long as he doesn't take guy lessons from Xander," Amanda said with an eye roll. "Someone sicced Cable on his bad t-shirts." The girls all giggled and nodded they had agreed that it was needed.
Peter and Ned shared another look but the girls were pretty okay. Not clingy and they seemed to be strong enough to stand up for themselves. But what else did you expect from a slayer?
Amanda walked in. "Xander, we invited two new kids to come get into our library for a history paper," she yelled.
"Then you'd probably better go clean all the girlish romance crap out of there," Wade called. He came down the stairs. "Cable and Xander ran into one of his ex's when he was making Xander get a few t-shirts and boxers. So I'm here to kick ass today. Peter!" He hugged him. "Long time no see, man." He clapped him on the back. "Go ahead and hit on the girls. They like to be flirty but aren't that great at it because Xander's a strict dad." He frowned at Amanda. "Didn't you go to another school?"
"Teacher wanted the girls to be hos so the boys could quit being distracted," she said dryly. "We're *all* done with that school. They shut down the school this afternoon and we're not sure if they're going to reopen." She grinned. "So most of us are with Peter and Ned here."
Wade nodded at Ned. "It's cool, guys. The girls are cutesy and flirty but have no idea how to do any of that."
"Yes I do! I got the talk from Dawn. I know way more than I want to know about sex stuff, Wade." She hit him on the arm. "Let me go clean up the romance novels in the library and you guys can have it. The bigger girls have sparring today."
"Kara's sparring with Logan. I ordered Penny to work on yoga for the birth so she doesn't have to break Xander's hand this time, and the only other big girl walked off giggling so she's going back to London."
"Kennedy?" Amanda guessed.
He rolled his eyes. "Joyce."
"Oh, her," the girls said with a grimace. They just nodded.
"She's on no patrol status because she can't stake, can't spar, and isn't interested in learning but wanted to put into a house," Penny said as she came down the stairs. "Hi, boys. I'm Slayer Penny." She grinned and waved. She stared at Peter, who grinned and waved back. "Huh."
"I got expelled for refusing to be a ho," Amanda said with a grin. "So we all got to switch schools."
"I know I didn't see you earlier but I thought Xander put you in St. Augustine with the tiny girls."
"No, I do good, I just hate math. I'm great in science but I hate math." She shrugged. "Let me go clean up the library. Did our sparring get moved up or is Wade going with us on training patrols?"
"Hell no I'm not doing training patrols," Wade complained. "Taking giggly, chatting girls all over a cemetery and then to club? I like what little of my sanity I have left, thanks!" The girls all hugged him. "Go fall in for sparring, girls. We'll help the tiny ones since they came home pouting about something." The library got cleaned up and Wade looked at Peter. "You can join in."
"I suck at that stuff," he said.
"Yeah but sometimes you gotta do it, kid." He smirked at him. "Can't always rely on webs."
"I know," he sighed. "Mr. Stark told me the same thing."
"He was here earlier to fix something that broke in the armory. The girls get huge amounts of junky shit." He pointed. "Library or sparring? We can take it easy on you."
"I'm a normal guy," Ned said, backing away with his hands up. "I just need a source for the paper."
Peter looked at him. "This is Deadpool," he explained.
"Oh!" He grinned and nodded. "Peter told me about you." Wade grinned back. "You help the girls?"
"It shouldn't be just little girls handling things. I'm more than fantastic enough to help with their battles and my own." He smirked. "Peter, go get your sources and at least read up there. You can help with the first graders." Peter rolled his eyes but did that and went up to read with help from the little kids. He taught them how to read an essay while the bigger girls warmed up. Ned came up too because he was curious. Wade came in on the phone. "Seriously?" he demanded. "No, they got ambushed by one of Xander's ex's," he complained. "Cable's presently extracting them while Xander beats the shit out of someone." The girls giggled at his swearing, like they usually did. He looked at one pouty one. "Wanna tell me what happened?"
"The teacher told us we're all going to hell," she muttered, pouting at him. "Then we got to watch the nun yell at her. Which was fun but she agreed we were born strong for a reason. I don't want to have a destiny." She pouted up at him.
He leaned down. "Destiny is for the weak," he said dryly, smirking at her. "Your only destiny is to grow up strong enough to protect yourself and if you want to protect others that's your choice. Very few of you girls have been ordained to be at anything in particular. Only Penny, Kara, and Misery Girl have codecs by what Xander complained about." She relaxed. "You do you and grow up however you grow up. Then you make adult girl choices about patrol and stuff." She nodded, cheering up at that. "Any other pouty things?"
"They took the school's mascot to the vet and it can't come back," another one said. "They said she's really sick but she was about to have puppies. Our teacher said we could watch tape of the puppies being born for our sex ed class if Xander agreed."
"That's not a bad way. The slayers in the more native parts see their farm animals doing all that," Penny agreed. "Why was it sick?" They shrugged. "Hmm. We'll ask when we drop you off tomorrow. Then you girls get to have your first talks with Dawn next month." They nodded, getting into the stretching. She looked at Peter, taking the book to look at. "That's a boring book. There's an even more boring book in Cleveland that has more detail and about the demon war going on at the same time." She handed it back. "Might make it a more interesting paper if you included that." He grinned. "Have one of us text down there for you, kid. You need to keep your grades up for college." She looked at Wade. "There are pregnant women exercise programs."
"Yes, one of them is yoga, which means better sex with your husband," he quipped with a smirk. "Wouldn't Brad like that?"
"I don't know. We're both sore today." She grinned. "And Weasel just called to tell you to call him, jackass. Verbatim," she finished with a grin.
He sighed but did that. "You had Penny yap at me?" He listened. "Yeah, I can do that." Peter looked over the edge of the book. "Yeah, I can do that. Did Cable run out of bullets? Oh! Oh, shit. Why did they appear?" He sighed. "Yeah, I can do that. Text me the address. I'm with the slayers. Give me a few to get dressed and can you send Domino with Dopinder if she's there?" He hung up and ran up to change and grab his gear so he could go catch his cab to rescue Xander and Cable from the actual fucking militia of gun happy yahoos who had shown up to take out Xander for daring to survive something.
Penny looked at the girls. "First Xander runs into a past boyfriend and now he runs into people he had to get into a battle against their wills." The girls groaned. "Finish your warm ups. I can run sparring." Amanda finished texting for Peter and Penny pulled him up. "You can be a target today so we learn saving things." He got tied to a chair by the girls and they worked on rescue scenarios for each other. Ned grinned but the girls were sweet when they rescued Peter.
Peter went home that night to his aunt. "Sorry, I was bumming some research materials from the slayer house for my history paper," he said when his aunt opened her mouth at him opening the door. "I had to get a ride home from Ned's family. We were helping by being rescued victims during sparring practice too."
"Slayers?" she asked. Peter nodded, flopping down across from her. "Why would they have history books?"
"They have history books from back before there was writing," he told her.
"Wow. I didn't consider that. Did you eat?"
"No," he admitted. "The girls were nice but they went to mug the kitchen as they put it so we came home."
"Are they cute?"
"Yeah, most of them are really cute but they're not allowed to date until their senior year. Their watcher's a strict dad sort. They said they're allowed to flirt and if they find one they can ask for permission, which he'll probably give, but otherwise it's senior year only." Aunt May smiled at him for that. "Their school got shut down for the teachers making the girls dress like hookers so the boys would have a harassment target. So the school's gotten six new girls today and there's another hundred kids who need new placements."
"Wow. I saw that on facebook. Poor girls."
"Amanda, the first one that showed up, was given to me to show around. Five of the other ones showed up during lunch. One didn't qualify by the test so she's with the other girls at the other school they go to."
"How does one guy handle so many teenage girls?"
"There's two older ones in college," Peter said with a grin. "One's a mom and pregnant with her second. They get some people in to help spar with them too. They have six that're under puberty." She winced. "They basically big sister each other. They're pretty good to each other but today there was some hair pulling about wanting to ask out a boy that Slayer Penny, the pregnant one, stopped by kicking one girl on the butt and told her that she was spoiled and not allowed to date a limp dicked idiot like that guy. One of the other one said that he had one but it was pathetic then she blushed and ran out before anyone could ask her how she knew that."
"One teenager is hard. I can't imagine four or five plus younger girls," Aunt May said. "Go make yourself a sandwich, Peter." He got up to do that. "Did you and Ned have fun?"
"A lot of fun. We got to be rescued a few times. Ned complained that one of the girls was trying to lift him and shouldn't because he was heavy. She stood up and lifted him over her head a few times before putting him on his feet and patting his cheek with a grin. So he's probably still blushing."
"That sounds like they're strong young women. Are they nice?"
"Mostly. They swear a bit. One of them was reminded she was helping the mutant kids shelter tonight and swore as she ran off to get her jacket and bag to go do that." He grinned. "They have hard lives."
"They do," she agreed with a nod, smiling at him. "It's good they're socially responsible too."
He nodded. "A friend that was in for sparring helped when one of the first graders was pouting because she didn't want a great destiny. He pointed out that she didn't have one and she could be who she wanted to be. It made her happier and pounce one of the older girls during warm ups."
Aunt May shook her head but was smiling. "Yeah, they're strong girls." She turned on the tv and stared at the report from earlier. "What is that?"
He looked, coming back with his sandwich and some milk. "That is Xander, the watcher guy. The girls were joking that one of his friends had forced Xander to get new shirts but they ran into one of his former dates. Apparently when he was in Africa he dated some arms dealers or something. The friend that was in for sparring time had to run off to save them." He pointed. "That's Deadpool in the red."
She watched, her mouth open, as Xander stomped some guy's head into the pavement and Wade and Cable took out most of the militia members. "They were what?" she demanded.
Peter flapped a hand as he swallowed. "Amanda said that they hated him because he had conned them into a battle to protect their area. They're a small terrorist group." She stared at him, mouth open. He nodded with a grin. "Like those ones that they showed on the news? One of those groups that had to deal with things. The news guy just said they're anti women handling things beyond babies so they probably hate the slayers and him. I wonder how they got into the US." He ate another bite.
She cleared her throat. "Are the slayers that way?"
"They said they'd be nagging Xander if he came home injured. From what Amanda said, Xander hides how injured he is because the girls will nag him about them."
She just nodded. "Wow."
He grinned. "They're nice girls. They just have a crappy after graduation job." He ate another bite. "They can only train before graduation," he said before swallowing. "They have some training patrols and club hunts to make sure they can handle it. He won't let them go on regular patrols until after graduation unless it's an emergency."
"That's reasonable," she agreed. "Still. Wow." She went back to the news. Agents had faced down Xander but he stated he had the authority to deal with it, and they had attacked him anyway. What did he want him to do, die from it? The agents got mad but they were called and told that Xander could handle a militia if he wanted to and if he stole their weapons he was fine too. The agents had to stomp off. The two guys who had been helping Xander had disappeared already. Xander walked off checking his guns until his phone went off, then he flinched and answered it with a sigh. He walked off looking like he was being chewed on by someone. Aunt May wondered if it was a good idea to let Peter get to know the slayers. He might get hurt.
Cable was moping. Truly moping to a heavy drink that would knock anyone else on their asses. Weasel had tried Wade, who was out of the area killing someone. So the next best thing had to be it. He texted Xander, getting 'was already on my way there anyway'. Xander walked in wearing one of his suits, getting a few whistles.
"Oh, shut up," Xander complained. "It's because the school tried to sue my ass for disrupting their education. The judge threw it out after he saw what was happening and heard about why it was happening. Thankfully I only owe Matt Murdock one of my kidneys, the working one." He looked at Cable, getting a drunken glare back. "Okay, you're moping like a teenage girl." Cable growled and pulled a gun. Xander took it from him and put it into his back waistband, staring at him. "Why are you being a teenage girl?"
"How did you do that?"
"You're mightily drunk," Xander shot back, staring at him. "So, tell the slayer daddy what's going on." Weasel choked. Xander grinned at him. "Two of the slayers, including Penny, went to tell the old liners that we needed more like me because I did dad and big brother things plus protected them instead of sitting in an office reading esoteric works on succuba summoning. One of the other girls coined me the slayer daddy with Giles as the granddaddy and the other watchers as worthless uncles.
"They all choked and upped the damn price on my head again. If the FBI actually cared I'd let them go arrest the fuckers but I know damn well they won't do anything and it'd just mean more work on my damn shoulders if they did." He looked at Cable again, who looked amused. "So, why are you having a teenage girl day? All you need is ice cream, Cable."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"Yay. Watch me knock you down far enough to give to the minis to do makeovers on." He grinned. Cable tried to rush him but he was drunk and Xander was mad and sober. So he took a few hits and clobbered Cable with a barstool, knocking him out. "Okay, we'll do it my way." He lifted the big guy with a grunt. "Damn sometimes I miss working construction. If he owes a tab, get it from him tomorrow. The girls have been so good, I'm going to let them torture him."
"Remember, he has a self healing gift."
"I have demon paralytics, Weasel. Even Wade goes down to those." He carted Cable off to the house, getting a nice, friendly ride from Dopinder, who was in awe of him carrying him. Xander grinned at him. "I went from working construction to doing all that and sword and artillery work. I has muscles, Dopinder." He patted him on the arm and paid him for the ride. "Thanks." Cable was groaning so Xander stuck him with a demon paralytic dart before getting him out of the cab and into the slayer house. Cable was trying to moan but nope.
Xander spotted the metal virus seeming to move and swatted at it. "Bad metal!" It quit moving for a bit so that was helpful at least. He handed the girls their victim with a grin. "Here, you girls have fun with him. He's been moping all day long." They squealed, carrying him off as a team to the sparring room so they could do a makeover on him. Xander hummed, going to put on regular clothes. At least it would keep the girls out of trouble and if Cable made them cry they'd make him sorry.
Xander walked in with breakfast, kicking Cable awake, handing him a cup of coffee. "Sugar, no milk. I swatted the metal virus stuff when it tried to wiggle so it quit for a while. It needs obedience training." He grinned. "So, would you like to tell me why you were sulking like a teenage girl yesterday?"
"What did you do to me?"
"Demon paralytic based on demon snot." He grinned brightly. "I love that stuff. It even works on the girls if they're being stupid. I darted Brad with it so we could have a talk about how he would be a great boyfriend to Penny on their third date. Why were you sulking?"
"I..." He sipped the coffee and moaned. "Too much sugar."
"I figured you didn't eat with the liquor yesterday. The moping reason?"
Cable sighed. "Aliya had her birthday yesterday," he said finally, looking up at the younger kid. "In this life, the timeline's bent all to hell."
Xander leaned down. "In this timeline you aren't even born. Because your mom's psychotic at the moment and you were due to be born in a few months." Cable swallowed but nodded he knew that. "So how do you know that they aren't compensating for your jump backward by moving stuff around? I know the higher beings over the slayers likes to play chess and would do that to add later angst." He sat down.
"Nathan, I understand why you're upset. I've lived though some minor time switches to fix problems. We lost a slayer we hadn't lost to one of them because the PTB were super pissed off that we solved their little drama moment. I nearly died then too." He stared at him. "You knew things would be different. Even if you had made it home things were going to be different. Without Russell doing his impersonation of a fire tornado through the world, things would've changed. Maybe not for the better. Some of the people he would've killed were still alive and who knows what they would've done."
"I didn't want to think about that."
"Yeah, that's kinda the hero's creed there, buddy. Do the good thing to save people and then suffer the consequences." He nudged Cable with a foot. "You never know. Maybe she'll never have a life of hardship and you can introduce yourself when she's nearly of age."
"I'll be ancient."
"Yeah, and? The guy from the Odd Couple show fathered a kid at seventy-two with a twenty-something girlfriend. Hasn't Wade told you about viagra yet?"
"I've seen the commercials," Cable grunted, finishing the coffee. "I don't know. I needed to wallow."
"That I get. I totally get it. I wallow every year on the anniversary of deciding to help Buffy. I celebrate surviving another year and mourn the year and the next year coming up while reminding myself I'm a dumbass to keep doing this, but no one else would." Cable grunted but nodded, looking at his hands. "I totally scared Wade last year. He had no idea why I had the night drunk off my ass to celebrate eleven years of this shit.
"When we had this sort of talk the next day he said it was creepy but reasonable." He shrugged. "Think of it like a long term war, Nathan. You have goals to achieve to win. You have goals to achieve to not lose any ground. You have a few strong enemies but you can fix those somewhat." He stared at him. "Also, would Aliya want you to mope that way? I don't take you as having a mate who is a weepy thing or a weak wife who'll let you mope that way."
"No, she would've fixed my drinking by pouncing at the very least," he admitted quietly, looking at his nails. "Why are they polished?"
"Payback for making me carry your heavy ass. I'm not doing construction anymore so I'm losing some of my muscles." He stared at him. "So what's next in your battle plan so your future wife doesn't suffer like she had before?"
"I..." He considered it. "I have to fix some things."
Xander nodded. "You have the knowledge to do that. Work on it." He stood up. "I'm making scrambled eggs for myself since the girls are all in school today." He walked off.
Cable heaved himself up off the floor, going to the bathroom attached to the sparring room. He flipped on a light and stared. "I'm going to spank the girls and then Xander," he decided, staring at the pretty makeup job the girls had done. They had trimmed his hair and added some black streaks to it. With a hint of glitter he noticed. The makeup was subtle but well done. He walked out shaking his head. There was no soap in there for him to scrub his face with. "There had better not be pictures," he warned as he walked into the kitchen.
"Too late; the girls took pictures to prove how good they did to share with the other local slayers." Xander grinned at him. "They did a nice job."
Xander smirked. "You can make them sob on you if you want."
"No!" he complained. He crossed his arms over his chest, getting handed some toast. "I'm good."
"Uh-huh. Sit down and eat. You have a whole day of being banned from the bar because you creeped Weasel out."
Cable went to the table to sit down and eat, nodding and grunting at Piotr. "Long night?"
"No, we did not. We got to bed early by falling asleep on top of our assignments." He grimaced. "The girls were happy they did so nicely on your face and hair. Though one pouted that she didn't paint your nails to draw attention to your hands when you pull a gun."
Cable looked at him. "They need to be paddled for it."
"I doubt that'll happen since I'll break most of the bones in your body," Xander called. "Then sell your ass to something."
"Not get any sleep last night?" Cable guessed.
"No, I got kept up by giggling girls. Brad was apparently wanting to tickle the baby."
Piotr shook his head. "They were quite giggly, yes." He stuffed his mouth. Then Wade stomped in. "We're all safe."
Wade stopped, staring at Cable. "That's a new look."
"The girls," he growled. "Xander knocked me out."
"I heard. I came to make sure that he was still alive."
Xander leaned back to look at him. "If I can take out a demon goddess who wanted to steal men for dick with a pocket knife and a lighter, I can take out you two with something bigger. Especially since I had to confiscate someone's guns because he was turning into a teenage girl. As proven by my girls making sure he fit in among them." Cable glared at him. Xander grinned. "They were going to buy you a pretty shirt too." Cable got up to go beat Xander, who escaped and hit him with another paralytic dart. Then got Wade with one. He sat down, grinning at Piotr. "There, that's nicer. Now we can have a growl free breakfast."
"They will be mad."
Xander grinned. "That goddess is going to be called back next year. She'd love having someone like Wade who could heal all the injuries she'd give out."
"I think you need a nap. Badly," the tall kid said, staring at Xander. "You should rest while the girls are at school."
"Can't. I have to go sell a kidney to pay off Matt for defending me from the school." He grimaced. "They'll wake up by the time I get home."
"I can make sure they are not attacked by more than the demon puppy that shows up to coo at the girls." Xander grinned, finishing up so he could go do whatever for money. Which probably involved an ex of some form or another. Piotr knew he didn't want to know such things. He would hopefully never be desperate enough to date like Xander did. The two heros moaned but he got them comfortable for now. When they were unfrozen he would talk to them.
Just A Xander Being Xander