A Tiny Bit of Xander-Style Madness.
Miami GHS Xander had been forced to bring his assistant Wade to the convention this time. They had been tied together when the summoning had come so leaving him with the idiots who wanted to sacrifice Xander to their mean demon god wasn't really an option - not like Wade had any weapons to kill them all with. So no matter how much Wade was whining, or manfully bitching as he called it, he was at the convention. Xander bounced into Godly Xander once Phil had untied them and gotten his own hug. "Hi!"
"Hi." He cuddled him back. "Hey, Wade."
"Hey." He looked at Phil then at Xander. "Why do I worry what you two are?"
"We're gods," Phil said dryly. "You should only worry if you upset Xander."
Wade stared at him then at his Xander. "They are?"
"Yeah. This one," he said, giving that Xander a squeeze. "Is the son of Loki. He's the new head God and the God Protectorate of Humanity." He grinned. "His Phil snuggly mate is over heros."
Wade looked at him. "I'm sorry you have all those comic book sorts under you."
"They're not always the strangest ones," Phil quipped.
"Please don't remind me of Underwear Man," Godly Xander complained.
"Was that his superpower?" Miami GHS Xander quipped.
"He's some sort of electrical genius," Phil said. "He built some super tasers. He wears all gray all the time, usually gray jeans and a gray t-shirt. Whenever he 'changes to his alter ego'," he said then coughed to cover the laugh. "He pulls on a pair of red Fruit of the Loom underwear overtop his jeans and a matching eye mask to go stop evil things that are mugging others." He shook his head.
"LA? Wade guessed.
"No, New York. So he's at home." Phil shook his head. "Stark spotted him. He offered him a research grant if he gave up his supposed costume for spandex or something else equally usual and developed his tasers into something for military use. Then he told us. Joyce and Captain Rogers both nearly got sick from laughing about this guy." Phil rubbed his forehead. Xander kissed him with a grin. "Thank you for not mentioning his sometimes cohort Bridell."
"The wannabe Amazon in the fantasy armor? She needs a gym membership to pull her outfit off," Godly Xander quipped. "I did do a good thing and dropped a book with pictures of ancient armor on her so she'd figure out the chainmail bikini worse than the Valkyrie's uniform was in bad taste. It's even worse than some of the ones in _Heavy Metal_."
"Maybe that and the two public indecency charges for falling out of her top during fights with muggers and officers will teach her something," Phil quipped. "But I doubt it. That whole almost team is screwy."
"Sometimes screwballs do good things, just look at me," Godly Xander quipped with a grin for his mate.
Phil stared at him for a second. "No, you have more brains than that whole group combined and you have better taste than to go out in skimpy fantasy armor in near zero degree weather to stop a few muggers, Xander. If you didn't, I'd have to fix that somehow before it passed on to the kids."
"You guys have kids?" Wade asked. That was even worse than a Xander with godly powers.
"I'm the second father to Phil's tribe of future paleolithic hunters," Godly Xander said dryly. "All four of them."
"Melissa is still certain she wants to take over Joyce's spot at the head of SHIELD," Phil said with a smile. "I think my son wants to be artistic."
Wade just nodded. "Can I hide from the kids?"
His Xander just grinned at him. "There's a world where Willow called Clay's team from the movie of that adventure and deaged them to be Xander's sons. That doesn't even count the ones I've been deaged in."
Wade looked around. "Liquor cabinet?" Godly Xander pointed. Wade went to get a drink. That was too weird even for his Xander. When two more like his Xander appeared, he nodded at them and had another drink. Godly Xander nicely made him his own room so he could hide for however long they were up there. They'd bring him food and liquor as needed.
The four Xanders and one husband all shrugged and made sure things were ready for the family convention. The kitchen was stocked and Miami Xander started on the welcoming feast's prep work. When the other were done with their prep jobs they squealed, they bounced around to hug then got back to cooking. The new one got there and ran over to pounce and cuddle too, babbling about what he had been doing. That was great and they all settled in to cook and teach the young one how to do it better. He still had some funny food ideas.
The others showed up, with one late entry once the realm was closed. That Xander appeared in a wardrobe. One that had sparkly purple interior. His mates yelled they were not coming out so he shrugged and walked off to talk to the others. Phil nicely moved Wade in to talk to those two boyfriends so they could protect each other from all the Xanderness going on. The rest of the spouses had their own support group corner so they could talk about how to calm their Xanders down.
Wade looked around the room he found himself in, finishing his current drink. The purple sparkly interior was something his Xander would definitely do if anyone would let him; his original gaymobile had been about this shade from the pictures he'd seen. "Does your Xander have the hormones too?" he asked the two staring guys.
"No, thankfully not, Radek said. "We would have to deal with them most strictly if he did." He smiled. "Are you hiding?"
"Hell. Yes," Wade said, cracking Evan up. "Unfortunately I was tied to Xander when the convention stuff started so I couldn't disappear like a good minion and assistant should."
All three of them looked down as a baby that had to be a deaged Xander crawled into the TARDIS wardrobe to join them. Evan cooed, getting cooed and squealed back at by the baby Xander. Before Evan or Radek could pick him up, the baby had slapped the underside of the main console and the TARDIS had taken off. "At least we have emergency supplies somewhere," Radek sighed, going to find them while Evan got them somewhere to wait on Xander to show up. Neither of them understood how to get the TARDIS to do anything. The Doctor's version was much more simple. Especially since it didn't have part of Nila's AI program 'loaned' to it.
Their Xander appeared, taking the baby to cuddle and talk to while he got them back to the convention realm. "That was so cute, baby Me." He grinned. "Nice work. Maybe you can inherit it when I'm done with her. Or maybe I'll build you your own." He kissed hm on the head, walking out once the had landed. The diapers were nicely used by all the baby Xanders and Xander babies in the room.
Wade saw the huddle of kids and looked at Evan. "I need a secured hiding spot."
Evan pointed with a grin. "Six hallways back, right, then two lefts. The garden or the locked S&M room have the best locks in the TARDIS."
"Thanks. A torture chamber is about what I need right now." He went to hide in it. He peeked in a few rooms on the way past them but things were really strange. Especially the garden. Not even his Xander could have that sort of wild garden. Someone nicely even sent part of the liquor cabinet to him so he could hide comfortably. That was sweet of them.
Evan and Radek shared a look then shook their heads. They went to hang out with the other Xanders. They were used to geeky Xanders so these ones weren't much different. Well, except for Dumass, who was a dirty minded Xander, Writer Xander, who had muses that drove him and everyone else nuts, and President Xander, who was a bit too serious and slightly pouty - his husband was off on a case at the moment so he was without snuggles. President Xander cured Writer Xander's muses for ten minutes by saying something his ear.
Peter, Writer Xander's husband, looked over. "How do you do that? Usually it takes golf, kids crying, or extremely dirty thoughts to break the muses for a while." President Xander smirked at him and hissed the same thing in his ear. "I must try that." He smiled at his mate.
"It's spring and we can go golfing again," Writer Xander offered.
Radek looked at him. "You golf?"
"I have a mate that made golf hot," Writer Xander quipped with an evil smirk for him. "Very hot." Peter smiled at him. "We even have babysitters because Grandpa John busted his ankle last week." Peter laughed, handing his husband a cup of water. "Thank you, Peter."
"Welcome. We will read later." Xander moaned and nodded, gulping his water. "If that is not what Paula wanted done, she will skin you."
"I think that's already done," Xander quipped. "I'm working on a totally different one of us." He grinned at Time Lord Xander. Who smirked back. "The Doctor doesn't have a show in our realm, or books."
"That's weird. I thought he was most everywhere." He looked around. "Except up here. He's never been here."
"I think he might like an invitation next year," Radek said with a slight grin. His Xander smirked back evilly. "Would do him good to relax."
"He'd probably join the other guy in the S&M room of the TARDIS with the liquor," Evan said dryly. "John and Rodney definitely would." He shook his head quickly.
"Some of us are single, would they come live on our realm?" another of them quipped.
"Probably not without an Atlantis there," Evan said. "You can see if minion guy wants to date you though. He's big and tough."
"Wade doesn't really date," Miami GHS Xander quipped with a grin for them. "He's still trying to deny he's in a real relationship with Anya after three years." They all laughed. "You'd have to help him torture succuba and stuff like she does too."
"No, he's obviously Anya's perfect mate," President Xander said.
"He is. And I need my minion. He does make a lot of stuff easier on me. I didn't understand why I needed one before. Now, much easier. Plus, I can travel if I ever get a real boyfriend again." He got hugged by the newest GHS Xander. "If I find one, I'll tell you who so you can look him up in your world to see if you're good together too." Xander grinned and nodded, snuggling in with him.
"We might be able to make something to help him until then," TARDIS Xander said, considering it and looking at Dumass. Who shrugged he could help.
Original GHS Xander looked at them. "Have we realized we have layers of coven going on? We have us four, who are all more nature path oriented. We have Dumass, Gryphon born Xander, and Xander Snape who are wizards." One huffed and raised his hand. "And reborn snidely evil Xander." He blew a kiss at him, getting a grin back. "We have the higher powered Xanders like TARDIS Xander and Dumass edges on that."
"I hadn't," Lavelle said. "Though I'm probably in the same class of magic as you four GHS us." He looked around, then shrugged. "It's neat if we need it to be. We have a high warrior clan too." Those ones smirked at him.
"Between us, we go from ancient weapons to beyond modern," President Xander agreed. "The Army of Der are like our Kender. So who are our elves?" The group laughed. "We could expand this into a D&D universe. It might be an okay vacation. Sure beats some of mine when I was VP." He ran a hand over his hair. "Sam's about to go nuts fighting about not being reelected."
"I think that was really a demon plan to break Dean and Sam apart as a team," youngest GHS Xander said. "The show of them shows them being really tight." President Xander hugged him. "We have a lot of these things as tv shows for some reason."
"It happens sometimes," President Xander agreed. "We have Dr. Who as one, but a real Atlantis. As proven by John still working against the wraith in Pegasus on her to hide from the press." TARDIS Xander laughed, shaking his head. "He hid for two years on her so he couldn't be seen by the press. I had to get Jack and my Evan to coax him off there so he had more human contact than just his dog."
Evan looked at him. "Where was I beyond Atlantis?"
"Jack told everyone he nearly nominated you in John's place but you were a year too young," Xander said with a grin for him. "John quipped about you a few times too to try to spare himself. So when they elected me, you became my VP." He patted him on the arm. "You got infected by the virus of politics for a bit. You thought I turned sweetly mushy and ineffective after I got married, and a few other choice things but mostly you were okay in the job. You had to talk *real* hard to not start off an 'elect him president' campaign when people hated me for being gay and married to Ez." Evan made a tiny whining noise and shook his head. "Thankfully, I sent Atlantis back to Pegasus with a worldwide volunteer corps. You went on our last day in office. So you got to miss Sam being sworn in as President."
Evan looked at his Xander. "You'd take me out, right?"
"No. I'd miss your ass," he said, smiling at him. "Sorry, dear."
"They would never elect you," Radek said. "You have a foreign husband and me." Their Xander swatted him on the arm.
"I have no idea why my big, gay wedding to Ezra changed things," President Xander said with a slight shrug. "They all pushed and speculated on it, then when we had it everyone had a hissy about me suddenly being weaker for some reason. We even had one guy who protested us for ninety days before he finally took the hint and started his own church." His phone beeped. He looked at it. "Gotta love Andrew's phone spells." He answered it. "What? I'm at the convention of us." He listened to Dawn's babbling. "Describe which Fury they have in charge, Dawn? White guy or black guy?" He nodded. "Off the movie verse then. Ask them if they've had the battle of New York against Loki. If so, ask him where he's stashed Coulson." She said that to them and got growled at. "I'll be there soon if you can't get Andrew." He hung up with a sigh. "We just had a realm breach into ours from a world where there's a SHIELD."
"Mine?" Youngest GHS Xander asked.
"No. Probably not. You haven't had the battle of New York yet and they have from what he growled. Can I get to DC?"
"Sure," TARDIS Xander quipped, bringing him to home in the wardrobe TARDIS.
Dawn blinked at the suddenly appearing wardrobe that slowly faded into view with a sweet humming noise. "I thought it was a police box," she muttered. The guards behind them were trying not to freak out. Sam glared at her. She pointed with a huff. "It's a temporal displacement device!"
President Xander walked out. "She's right, it is, Sam." He grinned. "Thanks, Mega Me."
"I think that's the one that got all the memories downloaded," Time Lord Xander quipped. He grinned at Fury. "Hi, how are you?"
"You're the Doctor?"
"No, I'm his apprentice." He smirked a tiny bit. "We accidentally traveled. Need anything from the storage rooms, me?"
"Probably not. The cook at the White House is usually really good." That Xander nodded and left. He looked at Fury. "Where is Coulson anyway?" That one glared at him. Xander smiled. "Evidence suggests he lived in at least one of the worlds." He crossed his arms over his chest. "I'm former President Xander Harris. How did you get to our realm, Director? Here, you're a comic book."
"I don't know how the heli carrier did it," he admitted. "We were on exercises and suddenly the sky changed. We got yelled at by military people so we landed and came in for a meeting. One of them was a comic book geek too, said he'd read about us."
"Hmm. We can check for magic anomalies," Dawn suggested. "Not that hard to do and you can do it scientifically and with magic." Everyone stared at her. "I know, you guys all discount my brains because of my sister," she said dryly. "But yes, I am a magical researcher, do have a Bachelor's of science in physics of all things to go with the magical research, and gee, speak five languages and read eight." She smiled. "I'm not the ditz my sister is." She looked at Xander. "Can we make you our liaison?"
"I guess. You made me give up the Xander convention early but we weren't doing much before the opening feast this year."
"There's a convention of you?" Fury demanded.
"Every year we hold a multi-Xander convention for all of us across all the realms and realities." He smiled. "There's a huge amount of us. We were just hanging out while some of us cooked the opening feast and cuddled. Talking Writer Xander's muses out of working so hard, watching the squealy ones talk about boyfriends and annoying present givers, all that stuff." He waved a hand in the air. "We're fun and useful but everyone forgets we're all dangerous." Fury shook his head with a faint moan. "You should meet the one that married Coulson in another SHIELD living reality. He's the son of Loki and the God Protectorate of Humanity." He grinned. Fury stared at him, mouth open. "Yeah. We're not the ones to screw with. So how did you get here?" Fury glared. Xander stared back. "I figure you have at least an idea."
"We were trying to restore the Rainbow Bridge."
"Ah, that thing. Okay, let's go look at where you landed and the ship. Then we'll see if we can fix it. Dawn?"
"Coming," she quipped. "Let me get changed into something less practical so they don't pout that I'm wearing jeans again." She walked off to change. "Boo and Doo, don't worry about it. No one's going to attack me when I'm with Xander. Sit, stay, good guards." They growled but followed her anyway.
Sam looked at Xander. "I can't make them stop."
He patted him on the arm. "Get poisoned, it helped me when I had to tell them to leave me alone." He grinned at Fury. "I had to beg to only serve one term." Someone stomped into the office. "Wow, way rude, Speaker of the House." The man paused to stare at him. "Sam's not a comic book geek, of course he called." The man slumped. "Is it that important? We've got to figure out how to get these nice agents home."
"We could use them here," he said. "The Senate has passed a resolution to forbid you from removing them in case it causes any further damage to this world or theirs," he told Sam.
"Watch me fulfill my old dream of putting a lion in Congress," Xander offered sarcastically. The man flinched and backed away from him. Xander stared at him. "It's not nice to their families to keep them here. So they can bite me and you can quote me on that. Okay?"
"Is Ezra still on assignment?" Sam asked him.
"Yup. Only me and the dogs and the horses at home." They shared a look. Then he grinned at the Speaker. Who was looking very scared as he backed out the door. Xander looked outside then at him. "You guys interrupted me at the Xander convention we hold yearly. I'm not in a happy mood. I was cuddling with a squealy version of myself who is nineteen and trying to find someone nice to date." The man nearly ran off. "He's gotten even worse since I left office. I'm glad I'm not here any more." He looked at Fury when Dawn came back. "Okay, let's go." The guards stared at him. "Don't even try. We all know I don't need the guards I have. Neither does Dawn." He walked off with her and Fury to the helicopter outside. "At least it's not from the realm where you're married to Hawkeye and the Black Widow, Dawnie."
"That'd be a hot bed but I like Sam. He's nice and easy to break in bed." She kitty smirked at him. He smirked back.
"That other realm must be insane," Fury complained.
"There you had too many plans so you ended up a full time ferret for Coulson's kids with Tara," Xander quipped. "They take very good care of you and spoil you rotten, plus sometimes dress you up in the outfits one of the squealy ones gave them for you." Fury shook his head with a louder moan. Dawn was giggling. The helicopter took off. Xander looked at Dawn, who patted her research and spell bag. If she had to, she could call Andrew to help them. They got to the helicarrier, which was landed off Norfolk.
"Former President on deck!" Fury noted as he walked off. All the soldiers went to salute.
Xander waved at them. "At ease, guys. I'm not the formal president. Sam's worse about that." He grinned. "I'm usually known as the asshole of presidents really." He walked behind Fury with Dawn beside him.
"Sir, we have a nice office your First Lady can rest in," an agent offered.
"I'm a magical researcher and I'm the current First Lady," she said with a smile for him and a cheek pinch. "Xander's like my big brother. I'd never fuck him. He has weird ideas about squealing and I'd never be able to break his back in bed."
Xander grinned at her. "They ordered you to quit being so blunt, didn't they?"
"Yup. Sure did. The press heard me talking to my eldest about sex stuff in the garden one day and nearly had a collective spasm because I said the word 'titties' about hers. I had to complain I was quoting my mother and that word got the point across better than the formal 'breasts' one I used in other places since I was talking about having fun with 'em. Then I reminded them all hunters were blunt, plain spoken people. If they didn't like it, I'd gladly go back to the patrol team in LA and never have to worry about how sloppy my shirt was ever again. They're still pouting I'm not the fashion icon my sister was."
Fury stared at her. "How did she get in there?"
"They wanted to feel safe after every single official in the chain of succession in every single country died," Xander quipped. "So they nominated a general. Who then got followed by a colonel, then me, then Sam. Though his was out of the blue. We had no idea they were even thinking about Sam after we discouraged it." He patted Dawn on the back. "Just over a year left, Dawnie. By now I was keeping a calendar."
"I've had one since we moved in," she admitted. "I hate being in the White House." Her guard coughed. She looked back at him. "How are you guys going to handle it when we go back to the LA patrol team and hunting?"
"We'll suffer, ma'am. It's part of the job. The same as the ones on Former President Harris suffer riding." Xander smirked at him. "Or the ones on Former President Sheppard suffer fighting the wraith. Some of them see horseback riding the same way actually."
"They can switch," Xander quipped. "Not like I really need a guard."
"Tough, sir. Sorry. Regulations." Xander shook his head with a sigh. When they got to the science bays, he stepped back to watch them work. He had grown up watching that president fight in apocalypse battles and had joined the Secret Service hoping to be on his guard team for his second term. Pity he hadn't had one, but the Winchester family was a bit nice sometimes.
Dawn looked at the readings. "That's definitely magical and not the sort of magic we're used to." She looked at Xander, who texted a picture of the readings to someone.
"Highly overprotective Xander said that's not Asgardian magic," he said when he got one back. That Xander showed up on his own with his Coulson. "It seems familiar."
"It does," that Xander agreed. "It's not Skrull." They studied it while Coulson took a report on what had happened. He was freaking a lot of people out.
Dawn leaned on the desk, hips out, grimacing some. "That has to be Watcher? Or Immortal?"
"Immortal," Godly Xander decided. "Watchers didn't have that sort of energy. Neither did most of the bigger bads." He looked around. "I'm almost surprised we don't have the ego of sorcery here yet."
"We sent him home to work on it from his end," Fury admitted.
"Great." Xander and Coulson shared a look then Xander shrugged. Coulson nodded and did something. They could link the return to a keystone so they couldn't be sent back without him being killed. Phil hated the worlds where he stayed dead. Native Xander helped by figuring out how to do the spell they needed, which wasn't Godly Xander's forte by any means but Dawn was good at it, while Xander was better at wording things. They walked out together, going to the deck. President Xander drew out the marks while Dawn got the ingredients she'd need. Godly Xander gathered power. Phil came out to link into him and help him. They did the spell and the keystone formed in the center of the circle as they faded into their original world. Phil nicely gave him clothes and nodded at him. "You're the keystone. If they destroy you, the worlds will merge again," he said. Then he grinned. "Welcome home." He took the others with him back to the White House.
Fury looked at his former agent. "We'll find a way to keep you out of notice and harm's way, Coulson," he said quietly. "That was weird."
"Very, sir," he agreed, pulling on the t-shirt. He followed him to the med bay then the office.
They reappeared to Sam complaining. "Of course I called Xander. I've never been a fan of comic books. I wouldn't know the first thing about who appeared or what forces might've allowed them to do that over there. He read them and he's more than capable of handling the bigger problems with Dawn. They did for years, people." He looked over at them. "They home?"
"Yup. One of the Immortals there sent them off to get out of the way of his plans," Dawn quipped. Godly Xander and Phil disappeared. "Thanks, guys. Give the me there a hug for me and thank her for the baby clothes she shared!" She grinned at the staring press people. "That me there didn't need them." She shrugged. "Her kids are all older than our youngest." She hugged Xander. "Have fun."
"I'll try." Godly Xander reappeared and took him with him. "Thanks. I miss the conventions." He hugged him then Phil. The others all piled in to see what had happened. It was weird but things like that happened around them. If he gave them good details they could prevent it from happening on their worlds or handle it if it did.
Back on their home realm, Fury was slugging back headache pills with scotch. He stared at his second-in-command, who had been on a landbase when they had been displaced. "It was one of the Immortals."
"Good to know. We can pull up their files to see what they may be planning and talk to the other groups, sir. Are you all right?"
"Maybe. The ones who brought us back were a demon hunter president, a witch first lady, a godly hunter and a godly Coulson." She arched an eyebrow up then shook her head as she walked off. She did pat Phil on the arm when she ran into him, getting a smile back. Fury called in his top teams. "We need a conference, people. Today. Get the other groups to attend." He hung up and laid down for a few minutes to give the pills time to work. He'd figure out what sort of traveling assignment would do for Coulson to keep him safe. Phil dropped a file on his desk then left. He grabbed it and snorted but liked that idea. A roaming team on a command center plane would do nicely to keep him out of too much trouble but busy and unfindable.
Olivia woke up and looked around. The kiddy camping area of the convention realm was empty except for her. She huffed and got up, going to find her Uncle Xander or Uncle Peter. She found him first, Uncle Xander was in the bathroom, she could hear him. She nudged Peter, who blinked at her. "The kids are all missing except for me."
He sat up and looked over then groaned. "Let's find them." They searched most of the realm. No kids. He got TARDIS Xander up and let him search his own flying wardrobe thing - which Peter did not understand. That let them find the kids. They were talking to a very drunk Wade, who was teaching them about knives and whips. TARDIS Xander took film on his phone, while Olivia went to get up Wade's boss to help him get away from the kids.
The kids were all very attentive, even the ones that were Clay's team deaged. The other parents came in to get their own kids, walking off talking to them about weapons. They were kids of Xander, they all liked weapons. TARDIS Xander nicely let them borrow examples from his armory to show off so the kids could pet them. Even the future weapons. It might be useful for them to know some year.
Ezra finally got there, looking at all the weapons petting going on, then at his spouse, who shrugged. "They're his," he said, pointing at TARDIS Xander. "Some are even from way far in the future."
Ezra shook his head. "I shall not tell the cranky Mr. Larabee that. He'll skin me alive if he hears about such things." He took a kiss. "What happened?"
"Someone on that side wanted SHIELD out of their way. So they sent them to us. We sent them back." He grinned. "It's okay though."
"I'm sure it will be." He cuddled his strange, unusual spouse. The kids squealed when Xander showed off his axes and swords. "They really are baby yous."
Xander smiled. "Aren't you so glad I can't get pregnant," he said quietly.
"Quite. I can just imagine that press attack." He took another kiss. "Let me get us breakfast. You're going strange from the hunger again." He walked around the kids, smiling at those who stared at him. "Go back to petting those. They need love." They beamed and went back to petting the pretty things. They were even taught how to make them shiny by Miami GHS Xander.
The other Xanders settled in to rest while watching them. Just in case one of the mini thems set something off by accident. The non-parent Xanders got to help TARDIS Xander rearrange things because Evan ordered him to sort things so they could be found easier. It was a huge job but fun to see what he had in the back rooms. Though none of them really liked the coffee flavored slugs, even the ones who had lived on hard rations in the past. The candy room got a long stare of awe from everyone but Radek, who was mumbling about sugar high demons.
New GHS Xander sat down next to TARDIS Xander after the opening feast, cuddling into his side. "Teach me how to do the space charm?" he asked.
He looked at him. "Why?"
"I wanted to use it to increase my tiny green space. I miss the plants. Your garden's really nice but the vines wanted to pet me the wrong way."
"They do that to Radek too." He gave him a squeeze. "I can teach you one or there's the wizarding version like Dumass uses in his library."
"Can I learn both?" he asked with a grin.
"Sure. It's probably very handy for you," he assured him. The CSI/weapons designing twins cuddled in to learn those too. He had a lot he could teach the others. That's why they held these meetings. The young Xander settled in to design his new garden, with input by all of them that gardened, and some help to weed and pick things when he wasn't home due to kidnaping. Or a book tour as Writer Xander reminded him with a grin. Peter swatted him but told them how their garden on Long Island did with certain types of plants. It helped him figure out what he wanted to do and they could help him build the tiny robots. The twins liked his ideas and what he had done to his helpful robot dog Frodo. They could use those ideas to update and upgrade their little tanks. They loved their little tanks. Even hardened NYPD SWAT guys loved their little tanks because if they were too grumpy, Pippen would do something to make them laugh. Usually by annoying them or handing them laxative pills.
"Ooooh, you need a train, Unclie!" one of the kids called while they were talking. "It'll be pretty! Like the trip through the mountains the daycare people took."
"That's a really pretty idea," Xander agreed, grinning at him. "Thank you, Liam."
"Welcome," he chirped and cooed, cuddling a crossbow. "This be mine when I bigger?"
"We'll see," his father said, smiling at him. "You can have mine." The boy beamed and hugged him around the crossbow. His daddy was so cool.
Daddy Xander from Hawaii grinned at his boys. "We need to do an inventory when we get home. You'll like that and Uncle Steve can quit nagging me if I do one." The boys all grinned. They got those weapons all to themselves. They went back to team cooing over an RPG system.
The others all grinned at them. Even Wade had to smile at that. Wade looked at his Xander. "Do your godchildren get weapons petting time?"
"Not often. Ray kinda throws a hissy fit if I do." He shrugged but grinned. "I do let them help me do the inventory though." Wade walked off shaking his head. The others laughed. Poor Wade.
Wade made it back to their intended destination first because he nearly ran through the portal to get away from all the squealing Xander kids, and their hyper, bouncy, overly happy parents. He ran into Clay and the team. "Convention," he said.
Clay waved a hand in front of his face. "They had a lot of booze there?"
"Twenty-one kids," he said.
"Gotcha," Pooch said with a grin.
"You five as three-year-olds," he added, staring at him. Pooch burst out laughing but the mini Clay came crawling over and patted Wade, who looked at him. "I was telling these ones about you." Clay smirked at them and waved.
Clay stared at himself. "Wow, I was tiny." He squatted down to stare at him. "What are you doing?" The baby him pointed. "Oh, hey, they took Roque too." He looked at himself. "Don't worry, you can beat him up later."
"I set it as when they're training, they can do that," that Xander said, coming over to pick him up. He stared at him. "Watch me make you eat Thai food tonight for tormenting yourself and Wade." Clay smirked and waved at Wade as he walked him off. "You're so evil sometimes. You need to tell Cousin Danny about the convention. He's sad because his Gracie needs a bra."
Clay stood up, looking at Wade. "Bar's that way," he said with a point. "Half a block to a dive, another two doors for a sports bar."
"Thanks, man." He walked off. "Xander's letting the kids help him do his inventories."
"I'm sure Ray will *adore* that," Jensen said dryly, smiling when their Xander ran over to pounce him to cuddle. "Did you have fun?"
"I did. They kept me from breaking the guys who had me tied to Wade into tiny pieces but it was fun. I even got to help the new GHS us plan his garden." He beamed. "He's got a train to haul baskets and stuff."
"Wow, but you'd have to tear up too much grass."
"Good point." He cuddled him and waved at Cougar, who was staring. "What?"
"Clothes?" Cougar suggested. "You can't run around naked here, Xander. We have to get you back to the house." Xander shrugged and ran back to grab his clothes to put on. Then he bounced back and pounced Jensen again to babble at him. Cougar said a silent prayer for all their sanity. Every time a convention happened, Xander was bouncy from 'Xander energy' for *days* on end. He looked at Clay, who shook his head.
"C'mon, Losers. Let's get Xander home so we can all have a beer." He heard the tiny cough and looked down at the miniature of Xander, who held up a bag. "Thanks." He took it and it grew in his hand. Probably a lot easier for the eight-inch-high Xander to carry that way.
"We in the Army of Der *adore* the GHS members. They always make such great feasts and never ask us to do more than help with knots in their hair." He smirked a tiny bit. "Even if one did have weird dreams about us as sex toys." He strolled off like the tiny sexy beast he was.
"I don't want to know," Pooch ordered when Xander started to tell Jensen about that weird dream. "I really don't. The Poochman has way too much on his mind that's not his woman's self and he don't need more." He walked off first to make sure the car was clear and safe.
"Save it for home, Xander," Clay ordered. He made sure the portal had closed, then followed Jensen and Xander out to the SUV. Cougar said a louder prayer but that was just him being a tiny bit uptight. Though, Clay had to admit that the baby him had been adorable in a badass sort of way.
TARDIS Xander showed up in a bar in LA in Miami GHS Xander's world, walking out of the back room to sit down next to Roque and Buffy, showing him a picture. "The one that's raising you thanks to Willow wanted you to have the family picture." He patted him on the arm with a smile. "He's doing good. He's potty training again but he's managed to adjust to being a little guy very well. He's also very protective of Gracie, that Xander's cousin, who just started puberty." He patted him again with a grin. "You did get to see the stuff in case your world goes D&D, right? You might need it if elves invade your LA too." He walked off happier. That was a good favor to those little hellions.
Buffy was staring at the picture then at her boyfriend. "Huh?"
Roque finished his drink. "That Rosenburg decided the only kids that would understand her would come from a movie so she pulled them, deaged them, and the Xander there thankfully took us in before she had to try to raise us." Buffy shuddered. "Exactly." He got another drink, putting the picture into her purse. "I do not want to think about how nasty their lives have to be."
"Elves like on that roadtrip to destroy the ring movie?" she asked. He nodded. "Why?"
"Apparently a witch there cast a spell to do that shit to them. They have dragons in Hawaii. They made special gear to kill 'em." He drained that next drink. "I still have nasty mental images."
"I can give you better ones," she said. "Because I have them too. And I don't like kids."
"Thank God," he muttered, kissing her. Maybe some sex would take the bad thoughts away. Even if they were in a demon bar. They got kicked out and went back to his apartment to screw it out of their heads. That Xander had been evil.
President Xander appeared back at the house holding Ezra's hand, looking at the staring people in his living room. "Convention," he said with a grin. "It was pretty good too." Ezra put up the leftovers they had brought home from the leaving feast. "Ez, leave out the roast?"
"It's a bit dry so you'll need some gravy." He put it up anyway. "We can have that tomorrow for lunch since we'll be doing paperwork all day anyway. I find myself craving something more fattening tonight." Xander grinned and handed over the candy bar he had gotten. Ezra took a piece and moaned as he ate it. "From that shop. Very nice. We need a version of them here." He looked at his teammates. "It was most entertaining. The children had a lot of fun."
"There's kids?" Chris asked.
"Twenty-one among all of us," Xander said with a grin.
"Ten between just two," Ezra quipped. He put the candy bar into the fridge as well. "That'll save until later."
"I should find a way to order their dipping sauce." Xander grinned at the guys. "We had a lot of fun. The kids were great when they were taught about weapons petting time." He strolled off. "Did anyone clean the barn today?"
"Your barn guy did," Chris said, shaking his head. "Was the convention before or after the strange thing earlier?"
"Before. They interrupted it to grab me." Xander smiled at him. "We handled it and I went back then you guys let me have Ez again." He looked at his guard, who was looking a tiny bit scared. "What?"
"Yes, kids. Some were me deaged. Some were our kids. One of them has Willow's kids he's raising because she's trapped on another realm." He smiled. "Olivia's great but she always equates pretty with smart. Otherwise that Xander's doing a great job. One of the ones that has five kids, they found a whole bunch of stored embryos thanks to their Initiative project. So he's living like a Weasley in Georgia with most of the baby daddy in trailers near his house."
The guard squeezed his eyes shut then shook his head. "I don't need to know unless they can happen here."
"If so, Ez might like kids?" he asked his spouse.
"I find them rather scary," he admitted. "But not too horrid to behold. Why, was he trying to get some of the other sixty embryos raised?" Xander nodded.
"Hell. No," Chris ordered. "You don't need no sixty kids, Ez."
"Perhaps one, not all sixty," he said. "We could even have a daughter that would probably turn out much like Dawn, only with more practical skills."
"Dawn has plenty of practical skills," Xander said with a grin. "She and Sam are trying *very* hard to get to come home. Let me call Dean to check on him." He walked off to do that so the teammates could talk.
"Seventy of the mini Der army," Ezra said. "Both the eight-inch-high version and the four-inch-high version. They count as one entry among th three-hundred-and-ten Xanders." The guard moaned, shaking his head. "Thankfully we're the only one that held a higher office."
Chris stared at him. "Aspirin?" he offered, pulling out his tin of them he carried for Xander headaches.
"Delighted, thank you." He took some with a handful of water from the sink. "The four with hormone problems do cook an excellent feast." He turned to look at them. "They're fabulous cooks. One's got a backup house by Denver so we chatted a bit. He bought the four tired farms out by the Ridge to make a family enclave plantation. The us there has been briefed and met him when he left his boyfriends for a few days over their deplorable treatment of his needs." He walked out to sit down.
"What aftershave is that?" Vin asked after Ezra walked past him.
Ezra sniffed his shirt. "One of the hormoned ones hugged me right before we left. Let me change." He got up to do that. Before someone beyond his spouse pounced him. Xander kissed him then went back to talking to Dean. "Xander, we smell like their hormones."
"I can change in a minute." He walked outside talking to Dean.
Ezra walked back to the living room once he had on a clean outfit. "Sorry about that."
"What sort of hormone condition is it?" Nathan, their medic, asked. Ezra settled in to tell him about GHS hormones. The whole team shuddered and felt sorry for that other them that had to deal with such things. Demons were bad enough. Demons snatching one guy to make him their concubine was horrible. Chris really hated the unicorn that showed up repeatedly too. Such things weren't normal and he was glad they didn't happen around him.
A few weeks later, President Xander was back in front of the press. "No way in hell, people," he started off. They all stared at him, mouths slightly open. "I know there have been a few weird things going on that I helped Sam with, because he's not a comic book geek by any means, but that doesn't mean I want to go back to the White House. Sorry. Ez said he'd help me die instead if you guys did it to us. Find another person. Please?" He stared at one reporter who had started off the push to reelect him for a second term. "Have a great day and next time, you guys can jump in when giant space slugs show up so I don't have to." He walked off to all the cameras going off. He kissed Ezra. "Maybe we should take one of those future kids and raise them. It might get us off the hook," Xander quipped as they walked off together. "If not, that other me has that magical quilt. It'd do the same thing as the coven doing the spell."
Ezra patted him on the hand. "We'll talk about that next year, Xander. I'm not ready to share you yet." Xander beamed and kissed him again, harder this time. The reporters able to see them moaned at that. Ezra glared back at them so they quickly ducked. He smirked at his very devious mate. "We'd have to figure out who would carry the Xander baby."
"We need to see if they used you to be a daddy," Xander quipped with a grin. "So it's ours."
"That may work yes. If so, I'd probably be more inclined." One of Dawn and Sam's kids ran into them so Xander picked her up to carry off, making her cackle evilly. "Yes, you captured him again," Ezra promised with a smile for her. "Some day you'll be a great evil president, Hannah."
"Yup," she chirped. "Make you my guard too." She blew a kiss and cuddled her godfather.
"By then, maybe we'll talk the whole team into having kids so they can do that," Xander said with an evil smirk for Ezra. "Though we'd have to teach JD how to talk a woman into bed I think."
"Quite possibly. We'd have to give the same benefit to Gibbs' team as well since they handled our tenure of insanity so well." He opened the door, letting Sam take his daughter as he walked past them with a smirk. Xander grinned back. "She stated when it's her turn to be the evil president, she'll call upon my team to guard her."
"I'm sure she'd try. She'd miss Josiah's stories." He looked at his daughter. "Let's go talk to the delusional people who think you need a dog."
"I do need a dog, Daddy. They're good and keep kids from going evil. All kids should have dogs." She kissed him on the nose as they walked into the press room. "I should have a dog so I don't turn into an evil girl sort that would want Uncle Xander for myself," she said with a happy grin.
"Yes, you probably should," Dawn agreed, walking in to grab her and walking off. "Let your dad do president stuff while we talk, dear."
"Every day. That's why I'm your mom," she quipped back with a grin. "That and an angel said so."
One of the reporters heard that and looked at Sam. "She believes in Angels?"
Sam cleared his throat. "Thanks to one angel setting us up, it stopped them from having a real go at their own apocalypse. He got us drunk, had us married off, and we woke up the next morning in a bed in Vegas." She gaped, staring at him. Sam shrugged. "They thought we might fight back too hard but it let the family get slayer help to stop their ideas of an apocalypse battle against the higher level demons. They were tired and decided humanity sucked so you're welcome." He smiled. "Secondly, don't make Xander do something weird to make you guys complain. He doesn't want it back any more than Dawn and I want to stay in the White House. You guys drive us nuts. We'd rather never be seen or heard from again in a lot of ways. Okay?" He smiled.
"They were talking about kids."
"Another Xander in another realm showed up and they had some stored embryos thanks to an old military project. He offered them to ours since there were sixty in storage and he didn't want to raise them all himself. The coven could easily help Xander carry one or two to term if they wanted it."
"A pregnant president," another reporter said then shuddered. "Eww. The mood swings," she moaned, holding her head.
"If you thought people screamed about demons, a pregnant male would be even worse," another one said sarcastically. "I can only imagine the world leader fits."
Sam smiled. "I can almost guarantee it if they're elected to another term." They moaned and decided maybe they didn't want Xander back after all. Though a few had reports of those same demons that had gotten Jack O'Neill elected first coming back to this realm. So they'd have to see who got elected if they acted up again. Or if the former president would go take them out just in case.
TBC...next convention year.
A Tiny Bit of Xander-Style Madness.