Clint and Natasha showed up at Xander's house the next morning, staring at him while he ate breakfast. "Should we even ask why you have a cult to you?" Clint asked, sitting on one side of him.
"Or how it affects your current job?" Natasha asked.
Xander grinned, putting down his bowl. "It was Anya and Dawn's fault. Anya spread a lot of information that no one wanted to get out, and it made a few younger demons curious. Most of them aren't the sort that have jobs, like Anya did, but they heard her complaining a lot about only getting five orgasms a night." Clint moaned, shaking his head. "She complained a lot until I stepped up my game with her. Which is why I have *fantastic* stamina." He grinned at them. "Then Dawn quipped one day that a few of the young ladies drooling on me should start a cult instead. It'd get Buffy to quit nagging and picking on me about them. So...a few have.
"They do things like heavy training and sword training for others. It's not a religious cult, though they do say that orgasms are a holy experience." He shrugged and grinned. "They're really nice. I love them. They're great young women. There's like ten of them the last time I knew. I love to sit and talk with them. I gave them Anya's trunk of toys too when I found them. I figured they'd like them more than I needed them."
"Trunk..." Natasha started then shook her head. "Like a steamer trunk?"
Xander grinned and nodded. "Two. I only found the other one last year in our storage area I didn't realize she had rented. That one had the more special ones. I suggested Andrew take a few of them out as unusual weapons."
"Beating someone to death with a dildo would probably inspire more fear among some people," Clint quipped, then shook his head quickly.
"Well, one's made of cold iron," Xander offered. "And it vibrates. Heavy as shit but real damn handy when used as a protection. Cold iron keeps out a lot of things." He shifted, crossing his feet. "I can build a protection circle out of the whole group of them. Plus have a few leftover that're just pretty."
Natasha blinked at him. "Whose car was that last night?" She wasn't going to think about that many sexual aids. She didn't need that sort of thing anyway.
"That was technically my ex's second-in-command." Clint stared at him, mouth open. "I was really sick. I had a high fever. I killed her ex-husband as he was changing into a demon. Her people made her marry me to protect her because otherwise she was just a lady in charge of an intelligence group in the Middle East." Natasha gasped, staring at him with her mouth open. "We had some fun, we worked it out. We're divorced and she's got a better spouse, or did before she died or something. Every now and then I need help from them. With the client call I got yesterday I had to activate a 'come get me if I don't come out of there' thing so they were expecting to pick me up. Though it is nice to have a driver sometimes."
Natasha closed her mouth and cleared her throat. "You were married briefly to *her*?"
"Yeah." He grinned. "She nursed me through the fever and everything. It was really sweet of her. I adore the lady, or did since I heard she had died, but we both knew she wouldn't help me go train the slayers."
Clint blinked a few times. "'Tasha, we're talking about...."
"Yes, we are," she interrupted. "We have no idea if there's listening devices around here or not, Clint."
"I know." He looked at Xander. "Well, she was dangerous." Xander nodded with a grin. "She was mean and deadly when she had to be."
"I know. She nearly killed one of the cult members who came over to try to save me from her." He grinned. "They worked it out. They were allies before she died. I wonder if her new husband is okay."
"No," Clint said. "His family did it to take her out." Xander grimaced. "Then for some reason they blew up without any bombs."
"Way to go, ladies," he quipped. "I should talk to Curtis, see if he's okay." He found his phone to call him. "Curtis, are you okay? I just heard last night I should've sent letters a few months back." He listened, smiling. "That's sweet of her but I don't need it. I have Anya's stuff." He laughed. "Good point. I'm figuring my ladies handled that since I heard about an explosion? Great!" He grinned. "Yeah, I'm good. I've finished my counseling degree so I'm doing therapy for guys like me.
"And ladies of course," he said with a nod at Natasha. "Yeah, that's why someone spotted her coming in here. Are they okay? Are they a problem? Oh, you found a HYDRA cell. Need help? They keep threatening me and I'm not amused. No, not amused like in Kenya. Not amused like I could open up a hellmouth and feed all their unworthy bodies to it. Then stand there and laugh while the kraken plays with her new toys. I think they'd make *wonderful* tentacle toys. Don't you?" He laughed. "Exactly!
"Yeah, I'm home. I have a few clients and friends here but it's cool. They just found out about you guys last night so they're a bit upset with me not sharing that, but then again I'm going to show them how to set protection circles later anyway. Thanks, Curtis. Let me know if I can help. Okay? Good. Be safe, man. The world doesn't have enough of us." He hung up then stood up. "Let's go teach you guys how to do protections."
"That HYDRA cell?" Clint asked.
Xander grinned. "Gone. Way far gone." Clint nodded. "Curtis said he's sending over things to Stark's tower. Protection circles so nothing can come near you guys? HYDRA was into the mystical before so I won't put it beyond them." They nodded, going up to the working area in the attic to be shown how to do protections, even using metal dildos as anchor points for the circle. Natasha was blushing a bit but it was okay. She looked into Anya's trunk and went bright red. Xander looked then pointed. "That one's a demon model but they can't mate with humans. That's them soft. Hard they'd rip us a new one. Literally. Though there are a few porn stars that can handle it. They're kinda popular in the demon porn circuit."
Clint looked then at him. "Wow. I feel inadequate. Just like when I caught Thor in the shower."
"His is equitable to his size," Natasha said, making herself quit blushing. "That's soft?"
"Yep," Xander said, calling up something on his phone to show her. The funky music showed what it was even before the sex started. "It's a cheezy 'worship me, my minion' plotline but one of my clients went mentally dead for a few hours when he found it online." He let them see it.
She watched, eyes wide when the woman actually managed to get the head of the enormous dick into her mouth. "She's got to be a competitive eater," Clint muttered. Xander burst out laughing but Natasha hit him on the arm. Then the actress mounted it and...well, Clint was in awe for one reason and Natasha was horrified for multiple others. She turned it off, handing the phone back to Xander. She cleared her throat. "I can see why another client went mentally dead. I want to wash my brain so I don't remember that." She walked off shaking her head.
"Let me send that address to Stark," Clint said, taking Xander's phone to get the web address. He sent it to Stark's address with a short 'found this thanks to Xander and Natasha' message. Then he walked off to get a beer and forget he had seen that.
Xander giggled, cleaning up the teaching mess. That was so cool! They needed the mental reset anyway. It was always good for their mental health.
***
In the tower, Stark got the email and clicked on it, blinking when the funky music started. Then he saw why. He had to rub his eyes. There was no way that thing was real. Then the bimbo proved it was. "Oh. My. God," Stark muttered. "Damn!" He looked around and turned it off, shaking his head quickly to clear it. He sent that to Coulson in case he needed to know about demon porn. The 'minion' had been wearing a HYDRA symbol on her chest in the center of her tattoos. Maybe she was a member too.
***
In Coulson's office, Bobbi Morse saw the email coming in and winced. "Coulson, I can already tell you that's going to lead to a demon porn video. The," she cleared her throat. "Actress has a HYDRA looking tattoo on her chest."
"How did Stark find demon porn?" Skye asked.
"From Xander. One of his other clients found it and Xander had to tell him about that species. It's...horrifying in some manners and impressive in others." Coulson stared at her oddly. She got into the video, fast forwarding a few minutes. "See?"
He looked, then blinked. "Okay then." Skye looked, went bright red, then walked off shuddering. He saw the 'actress' mount the demon. "Is that real?"
"Yeah. Anya had a fake one that was one of them soft and it's horrifying for normal girls to mount. Hard it would rip us apart. Clearly she's stretched a lot since she took it all in and then some. Then up the ass." She walked off. Coulson took something for his headache and went to lay down for a bit. She ran into Skye. "Yes, that actress is HYDRA. She's a failed agent trainee but an excellent sniper." She went to giggle to herself since Skye looked like she wanted to cry. Of course she'd have to tell Melinda May to get permission to go 'gather' the agent. Melinda's 'eww' in the showers a few minutes later was loud enough to set Bobbi giggling again.
She almost thought about going to see how much it'd cost to have demons take out more HYDRA cells. They might have fun with that. Xander certainly would.
***
Xander and Andrew ran up to where the witches were trying to send those SHIELD guys back home. "Stop it!" Andrew yelled. "You're doing it wrong!"
"You're going to merge the damn realms!" Xander yelled. The witch flinched, staring at them. "Don't make it worse!"
Andrew got into their casting supplies, taking the things they needed to do a defined border. "If you don't have the border, you pull their realm onto ours. Then we're all fucked with double the problems plus all the other things that Rosenburg took with them." He walked around the team, doing the proper borders around them so it was in a defined space. Xander sighed in relief. Andrew grinned, coming over to help the witches. She had another friend sitting and glaring at everyone. "All right, let's get this done."
"All our stored energy went there," she complained. "You ruined their chances."
Andrew stared at her. "I'm stronger than that and I'm a light powered witch," he said dryly. "If you're that weak, you shouldn't be trying this spell anyway. It'll drain you to the point of death if you don't have enough power to hold the portal steady for a few minutes." She huffed off. He waved at her back. "I'll let them know." He looked at Xander.
"You know magic and I don't usually get along, 'Drew."
"I know. Can you get another one?" Xander pointed behind them at the huffing matron witch. "Good! She didn't define the boundaries!"
"You could have killed her with the backlash!" the witch said, trying to swat him.
Xander got between them. "If we had let her finish, she would've merged their realm with ours. Which means twice the problems plus all the things that Rosenburg took with them. Without any slayers since their world doesn't have them." The witch went pale, shaking her head. "Yeah!" He nodded. "Now, want to help Andrew send them back properly? It could be a great help. Really." She huffed but shoved Andrew out of her way. "No, he wants to help. That way we make sure it's done properly and you don't kill them by accident. The spell calls for a balance of casters."
"How do you know?" she sneered.
"Because I read it," Xander quipped back, glaring at her. "Twice even while we were researching it." She huffed, turning her back on them. She started the portal spell. Xander looked at the guys. "Don't walk through until you see your own realm. Otherwise you'll get stuck somewhere." They nodded. The portal started to open and Andrew stepped up to stabilize the portal for her. The older matron slowly fell down, then groaned and gripped her chest. Xander got her help while he kept her alive. A few more witches showed up to help Andrew, and they did get the guys back home. Andrew collapsed in a sweaty mess on the grass. The other witches clearly needed help.
The paramedics rushing their way got a look from Xander. "They were sending the extra SHIELD people that got brought over home. She tried to power the portal spell herself and it's causing her heart rhythm to go off-beat. Andrew's got exhaustion. The other witches too probably," he said quietly. They nodded, starting with her while they got more help. A young demon came over with a large jug of apple juice. "Thank you, dear." He kissed him on the cheek, smiling at him. "That's really helpful." The demon grinned then ran off. "Here," he said, handing it over. "Apple juice."
"Did he add anything to it?" the paramedic taking the jug asked.
"No, his kind immigrated about ten years ago due to a horrendous civil war. They don't have any gifts like that." The paramedic nodded, letting the old ladies drink from it. Andrew got it last, gulping it. "'Drew, you good? Should I call your assistant?"
"I'll do it," he said, flapping a hand and handing the juice back for another round. "Thanks, Xander."
"Welcome." He helped lift the older witch onto the gurney. "There you go, guys." They nodded, taking her off. The rest got taken to the ER in the other ambulance to be treated for exhaustion. Xander followed so he could at least take Andrew home to rest on his couch. The witches were strong enough to nag so Xander glared when he heard them. "He did what he had to do. The first one was a snotty cow to him and her mom or whoever wasn't any nicer. They didn't read the spell, they didn't do any research, they didn't realize it'd take more than one caster, and that the spell called for balance. You're lucky it didn't kill the young one starting earlier when it would've backlashed into bringing their realm here. The vision showed that wasn't going to be a happy outcome by any means." That shut them up. He got Andrew out to the car and home to rest. The witches could handle their own things and complain to each other. They were good at it already.
***
Stark looked at Xander before the next meeting. "What do you call a male witch?"
"If they're nature path sorts, the sort-of Wicca or Druid following? A witch. A wizard has other sorts of skills that aren't related to natural power flows. A warlock is an oath breaker. A sorcerer is really a more powerful wizard, like the PhD level instead of the high school level of a wizard. A mage is super powerful, has more than one type of skills, and usually has studied a hell of a lot of stuff. Loki was probably a higher level sorcerer or a lower level mage." Thor looked over. "Wasn't he?"
"He was a lower level mage," he agreed. "We have a few of the higher powered mages on Asgard."
"Hm. So the witches calling Andrew a warlock was a bad thing?"
"It's something for us to scream at the old biddy patrol that showed up about," Xander agreed, sending that text to Andrew. He could scream at them. "Then again, we busted some of them for doing stupid shit. Including not even reading the spell before they attempted it. That's some Rosenburg level of BS there," Xander said when a witch appeared glaring at him. She flinched back. "How arrogant were they? It called for a balance, which the old biddy patrol didn't have. Didn't use. Nearly destroyed themselves and two realms attempting. Don't even blame us for them not having the sort of sense of a licking toad!"
She huffed. "I had no idea what happened." Xander told her then Stark produced the tape from the park's cameras. She groaned, taking it back there to yell at them. They heard the 'I do not like being rightly compared to Rosenburg' yell then they cut off the spell leaking that.
Xander grinned at Stark. "Thanks."
"Welcome. Let's go talk about this cult of yours, Harris."
"They're really nice ladies. Very protective. They handle some issues in their areas." He shrugged. "They're great young women."
Stark blinked at him. "It's a cult. To you."
"Yeah. To the guy that I became as a hunter." He grinned. "They're really good at protecting around them. I can trust them to handle things if I can't get there."
Stark shook his head with a sigh. "Do they have a shrine to you?"
"No that I've ever seen. If so, it's probably got me holding weapons." He grinned. "I was known for it before the Rosenburg Moving Day."
Stark trudged off shaking his head. Thor cleared his throat. "Is Allisandra one?"
"Yes. She is." He grinned. "She's a great trainer for footwork and staff battles. I take some time to train with them every year to keep up my skills."
"That's wise for a retired warrior," Thor said.
"I can't be fully retired, Thor. No one else handles demon problems outside of us," he said dryly. "I still get six or seven a year. This year's was just really nasty."
"I can agree with that," Steve said. He looked at Thor. "Are there warriors that are bored on Asgard? They could come help. That way they didn't have to worry about Xander being in the wrong part of the world."
"I have suggested such to Sif. She's asking to see." Xander hugged him then sat down. "Where is my brother's staff?"
"Technically, he was just borrowing from Thanos. It's Thanos' staff." Thor sat up straighter, staring at him. Xander grinned. "It left an imprint and I'm very open to possessions. Beyond that it's in a safe that I don't even think about having in case someone might want the other things in there."
"Anything new on that Thanos guy?" Steve asked. "His goals or anything?"
"Thanos is the Mad Titan," Thor said. "He wants to rule all so he can destroy it to please his lover, Death."
"Ah, Lady Death," Xander said with a nod. "Met her once. It was right after a huge battle. One of the slayers had been drawn into it by her people tossing her ten-year-old self into the battle. For which I blew them the fuck up. But she had prayed to Lady Death to spare her so she could someday be a proper woman with a husband and all that. I got her out of the battle as soon as I spotted her but she had gotten a few injuries. Including one that nearly cost her a hand." Steve grimaced but nodded.
"Lady Death came to see her handmaiden and praised her for lasting so long during the battle. The little one cried a lot over that, we had barely gotten her to the point of figuring out what a slayer was and she hadn't equated slaying with killing until then. I got her calmed down and talked to with the older girls. Lady Death praised her for making a choice that was right for her, to not patrol. She praised the other girls for being such good handmaidens too."
"So the Grim Reaper's a lady?" Clint asked as he came in and sat down.
"Yeah. The goddess over death is a lady. A pretty lady," Xander said with a grin.
"Hmm." Clint nodded. "They say death's a bitch and has bad timing." Xander burst out laughing, nodding a bit. "Okay, that makes sense. So this Thanos guy wants to destroy everything so he can give more death to his lady friend?"
Thor nodded. "As we have it written in tales, yes," he said. He looked at Xander. "Not many mortals have seen her."
"Thor, I dealt death to a lot of things trying to hurt others," he said bluntly. "I have since two weeks before my sixteenth birthday. I'm surprised I only saw her that once."
"I can see that point," Steve said. "Though I never think about any bodies I leave behind."
"Kinda hard not to since I've had a few battles where we've had to wade back through them. Turok-Han don't go to dust when you kill them."
"Who?" Thor asked.
"The minions of the First Evil. When my town sank, we were in the hellmouth seal's area to fight her and lock her back inside. We came out and one of our people dying was what led to the sucking and fully closing of the Sunnydale hellmouth."
Thor blinked a few times. "That takes seven slayers."
"Yes. It did. Willow activated all the line. That's why I spent the next few years in Africa training slayers at home." He grinned. "That way they got to be normal girls with a really crappy destiny problem but they knew how to handle it for as long as they could. The First destroyed the Council. We rebuilt it as it should have been all along, supporting the girls so they got to be mostly normal girls who had a choice about patrols and things like that."
"That makes more sense," Thor agreed. "How many were there?"
"Willow took six hundred and some with her. The only one not accounted for is one that disappeared during the convergence in London. She disappeared through a portal."
"Nay, she fell and was injured. They treated her but six months later her mind left her after a bout of screaming. We thought it an attack," Thor said.
Xander nodded. "That's about when Rosenburg decided to take all evil from this realm by moving them and the slayers to another one." Thor shuddered. "Yeah. She didn't think too far ahead either, especially since 'evil' isn't the only problem. It left a lot of others. Including vampires and demons willing to make deals and others that've caused some problems. Because it's not considered *evil*."
Thor nodded once. "How bad that was."
"Yeah, it was. I was healing after a battle. Andrew and I were in for the big yearly watcher meeting but we were out and about helping stop a minor problem so we'd have a few days of peace and quiet. That's why he and I got stranded here without all them. Now Andrew works for demons rights and sometimes goes out to handle bigger things in a super-armor costume. I became a therapist for guys like us and I handle what I gotta handle."
Thor nodded. "As was really the only choice." He patted him on the arm. "Can you use the staff?"
"It has an independent power source, Thor."
"A stone," he said quietly. Xander grinned but nodded. "Oh, dear."
"It's fully shielded. Not even the witches can find it in that safe vault."
"Good!"
Xander grinned. "I'm more worried about what other special weapons have made their way down here. The stuff the dwarves made. I always admired the myths of dwarves."
Thor smiled. "They are nice beings. I enjoy talking to them. They made my hammer."
Xander grinned. "I saw. Someone who does D&D stuff got their language right. Andrew and I can both read it."
Thor laughed. "That's good to know." He looked at his hammer. "The others have tried it if you wish to."
"No. Because of how easy it is to possess me it could harm the hammer or cause it problems in the future. Beyond that, I'm not the white light warrior you are, Thor. I've had to do some bad things to protect people. I'm very much a light gray knight, not a white knight. I'm honest about myself."
"Good. That's always healthier. Though I did not think my hammer possessing."
"If it wasn't, it wouldn't be able to pick someone worthy to wield her," Xander said.
"Good point." He smirked at him. "You show some of the wisdom of an Asgardian warrior."
Xander smirked at him, winking a bit. "I've only dated one. Must've been from contact with him." Thor burst out laughing, clapping him on the back.
"You dated an Asgardian?" Steve asked. Xander nodded. "When?"
"Africa. He's a displaced warrior. He was really fun and taught me how to fix the weapons easier than I had been. Really nice guy. Bit of an ego, thought he didn't have to give as much pleasure, but I proved it was worth his while since he said he hadn't gotten to see the heavens that way in years." He grinned. "He had a vision during it too."
Thor shook his head. "That is always the best there is." He patted Xander on the shoulder again. "Do you join the team?"
"Only for huge demon battles. Usually I'm the guy that you come work on your heavy thoughts with. I'm their counselor."
"That makes much sense and is something many warriors can use before they need an entire ale house to rest most nights." Xander nodded at that. "It is a wise man who works on his weaknesses."
"It's not a weakness to have battles affect you," Xander corrected. "It's a weakness to think that you don't have to work it out. The human mind can only take so much of seeing horrible things before it warps itself and that is what causes problems. Talking about it or working it out with someone else is always preferable to letting it warp you until you're unable to do anything but fight or unable to move thanks to your mind locking up on you."
"True," Thor agreed. "I had not thought of it that way. Many warriors tell their stories to the younger warriors."
"Which is both a warning and working out their own mental demons," Xander agreed, smiling at him. "My door is open to you as well, Thor. I know you can't share battle stories the same way down here. We can talk about whatever you need to, including the confusing things that women do."
"Aye, she does," he agreed, shifting in his seat.
"Tell me about it," Clint muttered, glancing at where Natasha was talking to Bruce in the kitchen. Xander grinned at him. "I've been married and they still confuse me."
"The slayers would've loved you," Xander quipped. "Both as a big brother and an object to tease."
"There's times that would've been okay." He grinned back. "Is Leo on your couch today?"
"I think he's going through the battle videos for Coulson while eating my dill pickle chips. Or that's what he was doing when the security system sent me an alert."
"Why would he want to see them?"
"He's trying to profile Xander," Natasha said.
"I think he wants to turn Bobbi and a few other females into slayers," Xander quipped with a grin. "So he's getting evidence of them being weirder than you guys are. Including the booty shorts during a battle thing."
"I saw the one that looked like a flashback to disco," she complained, sitting down.
"We got her out of the club."
"It was daylight," she complained.
"She was in Brazil."
"Never mind," she said, shaking her head. Xander grinned. "Was she native to there?"
"Panama. She went to Brazil to do college."
"Hmm." She shook her head slightly. "Is there any hope of getting them back?"
"We can't even find the realm they're on. If so, maybe. It'd take a lot of power. Which is why Willow didn't manage it when she tried, but she didn't know the proper name of that realm either." She nodded once. "Though I am going to kick Rosenburg's ass for it. I even made someone promise me I could come back from the dead for a few minutes to kick her ass over that."
"I would too," Clint agreed.
"She's now a whole category of stupid ideas. She's kinda their goddess. We use her as a verb sometimes." Clint burst out giggling, nodding.
"I knew there were some strong witches down here," Thor said.
"Yes, she was. She was linked into the two hellmouths. We weren't sure why she was so powerful. She went from closing the stupid hole in Sunnydale to resticking a soul." Thor gaped at him, looking worried. "She's the one that redid Angelus' soul spell." Thor slumped. "She's also the one that nearly took out humanity in her grief. There was a temple to some goddess she nearly pulled up in her grief."
Thor hung his head, nodding. "We had heard of that one."
"Same witch."
"Hopefully she is helped?"
"I really hope someone did and kicked her a few times for it too," Xander said. "I'm too close to the situation to get healed if she shows up. I can't get beyond the 'I'm going to kick her ass' feelings." He shifted to get comfortable. "So, why the meeting?"
"Detroit," Steve said.
"Oh, yeah, that one," he sighed, shaking his head. He texted someone, who sent back one a few minutes later. "Yeah, as far as the demon bartender circuit knows it's still on." He looked up, putting his phone back once he had answered about owing someone ten bucks. "Has the governor and mayor quit threatening yet?"
Steve shook his head. "No. They both sent us threats."
"I sent one back saying we could not show up if they were that adamant and they'd have to deal with it themselves," Stark said. He grinned. "That got an even worse threat. I turned the bomb over to the FBI."
Xander nodded. "I've done that twice. The agents huff then sigh then say they can't do anything about it because he's a governor." Xander grinned. "I promised if he sent me another bomb, with pictures of the bomb and his fingerprints on the second one, that I'd gladly return it to him. So I talked to another agent, who yelled at the two FBI agents, and got it turned over to the Secret Service so they can find his bomb maker for us." He grinned brightly at them. "And then I told him if he did it again, I was going to talk to the one that owns part of him to see if he'd call in his debt early. Surprisingly I haven't heard from them in about two weeks."
Steve burst out laughing. "That's nearly evil, Xander."
"So is what they've done to Detroit," he shot back with a grin. "Sending me a bomb two days after a battle? He's lucky I didn't freeze it and send it back." Steve shuddered.
"We'll let you rest for at least a week afterwards before we bug you," Stark quipped.
"Speak for yourself. I'll be over to nag about injuries if I can walk," Clint said.
Xander grinned. "You do have nagging rights about injuries. I let you have that. I'm too used to being nagged by the slayers so I let certain people do that."
"Sure, we can let him and James nag," Steve agreed. "It'll save me if I get too injured."
Stark looked at him. "Nothing's going to save you from being nagged if you get too injured. He'll stalk you all over the tower and probably all over the city, to nag you about injuries." Steve nodded that was true. "He does make a very good mother hen."
"It's the old instincts," Xander told him. "He used to have to take care of Steve so it's a good sign that his memories and old urges are coming back to the surface."
Steve nodded. "He's done good with that. He walked up to me the other day and swatted me because he remembered saving me from another fight in an alley."
"Did he get you yet for your habit of jumping out of planes without a parachute? Or out of the SHIELD building to fall on your shield?" Xander quipped, staring at him with a slight smirk.
"No. Please don't tell him?"
"That's up to you. Or him finding it on the news. They were replaying it the other day while praising you for handling the emergency in DC."
"I noticed that they only mentioned him and Natasha," Clint said, grimacing at Steve. "They said it was great how we had rehabbed the Russian assassin into being a heroine that saved a school from demons." Natasha rolled her eyes from where she was sitting and reading.
"I only worry if they mention me," Xander told him. "Because then we get protestors and the idiots who wanted to die that way." He smiled. "It makes things easier when people forget me."
"Where did you get the money to buy the house you use?" Stark asked. He turned to look more squarely at Xander.
"Short term loan while I was in college. I did a lot of the fixing up work myself. Why?"
"Because JARVIS was helping Hill run a background check, without my permission, and it came up that you basically bought the house for cash. You paid off that loan about four months later. Also, we share an investment guy."
Xander shrugged. "Must've been where Anya put her cash to make baby money."
"Anya?" he asked.
"My ex that I nearly married? Her. She had been a demon for over eleven-hundred-years, Stark. She saved some now and then. She still gave it to me when she died. Even though we had been screwed over by some of her coworkers to get her free and back to work." He shrugged. "We worked all that out. We were still friends and she didn't have anyone she wanted to leave it to. I haven't really looked at any of that. I used the insurance payout for the maiming," he said with a motion toward his missing eye. "Insurance is made for that sort of thing. I had put it into the bank to let it grow while I was training the slayers."
"You had disability insurance at your age?" Stark asked.
"I remember hearing about Anya but not why you two broke up," Steve said overtop of Stark.
Xander grinned at Tony. "Yes, I did. I didn't even realize it until I went to ask before graduation's battle but I did. It's meant to help you retrain to do something else I guess. Which it did, I retrained beautifully in Africa while it was making baby money for me." He looked at Steve. "Her coworkers interfered, mostly to get her back. Before the wedding, they showed me how horrible we'd end up. I'd turn into my paternal unit. We'd be poor, which she hated. We had kids, which I later realized and made her talk to me about it. She went on a swearing rant at her coworkers who had helped break us up."
"You didn't want kids?" Steve asked.
"Steve, mermaid taint, dear," Xander said, giving him a pointed look. "Nearly impossible by what we knew then."
"Still is," Stark agreed. "So they broke you up?"
"Yeah, so she could get her job back. Which she did, then she realized she had a conscience again, which made her lose her job again, and which is why D'Hoffryn hates me more than anyone but the Powers That Be do." He smirked at the group. "Which is why I know I probably won't die in a battle. That would give me martyr status and they'd hate that."
"So you made her start to care about people again?" Steve asked.
"No. She cared about people, she had some friends among the other wish demons. She was broken hearted when D'Hoffryn killed one of them because Anya had asked to rescind a wish that made her want to puke. Which sucked majorly since Hallie was one of the ones that's really needed in today's world." Steve slowly shook his head. "Halfrek was over lost childhoods."
"Oh!" He nodded. "I get that. And that one killed her to prove his power...." Xander nodded, grimacing some. "That sucks."
"Yes it did. There's been plenty of people I wanted to call Halfrek on but he never fully replaced her position. So someone has to do it the normal way."
The window burst inward as someone slid in from the roof on a rope. "There's a door right there!" Stark shouted with a point. "With stairs! Even Loki wasn't *that* stupid!"
Xander stared at the guy standing there with the automatic weapon. "Really? You chose to do that? Interesting."
"You're coming with me."
"I'm going to fuck you up in ways that'll make you think I'm a God, boy." The man menaced with the gun. "No, guys, let me," he said, standing up. "C'mon, you want me, come try me." He waved him on. "I'm even without a visible weapon." The man started to sweat. "C'mon. You want me, come get me." He waved again. "I'm right here."
"Come with me!" he ordered, then cleared his throat. "You must come with me. I won't hesitate to wound these ones." He blinked at the growl from the kitchen. "Um...."
"Oh, that's Dr. Banner probably. Or you've *really* pissed off the woman. She's not that nice and she's tougher than a slayer." He waved again. "C'mon. You want it."
"Our boss wants you."
"Your boss can come see me like a normal guy. I'm open to new patients." The guy with the gun snorted but by then Xander's little ball of goo friend had come out to roll towards him. The man shook the ball off but it grew each time he shook. "You probably don't want to do that. It reacts to kinetic energy," Xander said calmly. "In about two minutes of moving it'll swallow you. If you don't move at all, it'll take about ten. So we have the time to talk about why you thought that was a good idea and that I'd actually go with you that way." He moved closer. "So, your boss?" he asked with a slight smile.
"Reg..." he said, blinking at him. "You're not the mean one."
"Which one did you think I am?"
"You're Wells."
"I'm Xander," he said with a smirk. "Andrew would've killed you in interesting ways. I'm just gonna torture your dumb fucking ass for trying me. That's how I make sure others don't try a second time." He moved closer again. "Now, your boss Reg, was it? Is that his real name?" The man shook his head but the thing climbed further up him. Xander grinned. "I have the stuff to cancel it but it's at home. I can ask someone to get it for you but the only three people who can, one's out and about right now on a mental health road trip and the other two are here. So your choice of cooperating or you can suffocate because I can call the one that's in the wind first and chat with him to make sure he's still okay." He stared at him. "Now, Reg....?"
"Reginald White." He swallowed, looking at the stuff that was around his waist. "He wanted Mr. Wells to recruit him so we could use his brain."
"I doubt Andrew would like that."
"We wouldn't care," he sneered.
"We would and Andrew's got enough poker debts to have you all eaten." He stared then grinned suddenly. "Don't worry, you'll have fun with that. Who does Reginald White work for? What group or agency?"
"Um..."
Clint walked over to look, using a fork to pull the guy's wallet out. The goo got on the fork but Clint dropped it before it could climb up to touch him. He looked at his wallet. "Natasha, run him?" He looked him over, finding a pass card in his t-shirt pocket. "AIM?" he demanded, staring at him.
"Well, Andrew did have some crackhead ideas," Xander said dryly. "But he's usually too busy to use them now. Though it was really Warren that had the crackiest ideas. After all, he made his own robotic girlfriend and you couldn't really tell she wasn't real. Or the Buffy bot he made for Spike. There's plenty of times I couldn't tell she wasn't actually Buffy." He pulled out his phone to call Andrew, inputting the emergency code when it went to voicemail.
"Andrew, hate to bother you but someone from AIM just tried to kidnap me because he thought I was you and they'd adore making you want to work for them. So fair warning there's idiots looking for you? Yeah, them. Great. Thanks." He hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket. He smiled at the man, making him shake. "Andrew said he'd *adore* talking to your higher ups. I think I'll help him by being a genial backup." He walked off. "I'll see you guys later." He held up a hand, stopping Clint and Steve. "It's not a huge problem. I'm going to have some friendly tea." He smiled and got onto the elevator, going down.
Steve pulled out his phone, hitting a speed dial. "Please tell me you're somewhere in the city or near Xander's house. AIM just came for Andrew Wells and thought he was Xander. Xander's going to go *talk* to them." He winced. "That's why I'm calling you. He said Clint and I can't follow. So we'll meet you in ten minutes? Great." Clint grabbed his necessary things. Steve got his, and Natasha followed them onto the elevator. "Bucky's going to meet us."
"Great," Clint agreed. "We'll probably need it."
Steve nodded. "Yeah. He's a bit upset."
"He hates the idiot idea patrol. He ran into one of them in Africa. There's a hidden picture of them tied up like they were a big game hunt trophy and Xander ended up summoning animals with bait scent from what he said when I asked him about that picture in the safe."
Natasha shook her head. "It's a move I could appreciate. Why did they want him?"
"They think he'd make a great figurehead," Clint said.
Steve nodded. "He does. I'd hate to see him if he had wanted to start a cult." They got off the elevator. Outside there was a car waiting. They got in and went off. Bucky could help them straighten out Xander when they finally caught up to him.
Upstairs, Bruce and Tony were taking samples of that goo so they could figure out how to cancel it when one of their teammates accidentally got hit with it. The bad guy could be picked up whenever someone from security made it up to them.
***
In Scotland, Andrew hung up his phone and put it into his pocket then went back to the table. "Sorry, Xander just had to warn me that there's some psychotic idiots who want to kidnap me so I can go back to inventing full time." He sat down, smiling at the staring people. "AIM wants me and thought I was Xander." A few who had met Xander shuddered. "Yep. So that was kind of a timely warning." He turned and threw something at the door, the same sort of goo.
The person who ran in, who had been whistling, ran into it and screamed as it covered his head. "The more you move, the faster it suffocates you," he called. "Sorry but I'm not into AIM and I only create weird, wacky things for myself and Xander these days." He looked at the others, smiling. "Now, let's go back to talking about the local community?" he suggested. They nodded, getting back to it.
Andrew could go out as his not-real-well-hidden superhero identity later to deal with those.
If Xander left him any. Or gave him any of the toys. That might be nice. Of course he made better, but he was also sane, unlike AIM's people in charge.
***
Xander had nicely disguised where he was going so he got there first. Well, and he met Bucky there. "Did you lose them?" he asked.
"Yup." He pointed. "They're dealing with the guy buying stuff."
"Aw. That's sweet of them. I need to pick out Andrew's birthday present. Of course, he can make better." He held up a vial. "Antidote?"
"Gee, thanks." He took it before Xander could roll the thing in there. The rolly polly little ...thing giggled and a gas came out. Someone tried to shoot at it but it made it laugh more. More gas came out. More people shot at it. More gas. They were all really upset now. And then the giggly thing expanded and ate people. Bucky watched it. "That's gross."
"Yup. But I love the little thing." He walked in to pet it. It lapped him before lapping Bucky then rolling off to find new friends to gas and eat. "They're so great and they reproduce like tribbles under a certain dome in Saudi Arabia." He walked around it and inside the lab. "Knock knock. You guys wanted me to visit so I am." He grabbed a woman in a bun and a lab coat, spinning her out then back, dipping her at the end with a smile. "Hello, gorgeous. Are you evil and badass enough to be one of mine?" He kissed her, making her moan and go to her knees, staring up at him. "Hiya, Beatra."
"Xander," she moaned. "Why are you here?"
"Someone here thought I was Andrew." He grinned. "So I'm here since they wanted me to be." She started to cry. "Come help me pick out Andrew's new birthday present. He'll appreciate using it to make something better." He helped her, smiling at her as they walked off. "Oh, leave Bucky alone." They went toward the rest of the labs. The guards were panicking but oh well. Xander smiled at one, blowing a kiss. "I remember you in Tbilisi. You were so hot. Coming with us, baby?"
"Th...the bosses," he said, nearly crying.
"They invited me to show up at gunpoint. Of course, they thought I was Andrew but still. They even blew in a window to make an impressive entrance instead of using the door that was a few feet over. No, leave Bucky alone. He's a great guy." He walked that other former lover off. They found the lab and his ...friends had to get him into it because they knew that Xander would calm down with weapons. Bucky was looking so confused but oh well. Xander cooed over the weapons. He picked up a few to test, then put them into his bags. The former friends were helpfully pointing out things that would make Xander less amused. Him being amused was bad. Very bad. Then Andrew got there. "Andrew!" He grinned and handed over something. "I picked this out for your birthday."
"It's cute. What does it do?"
"It's a molecular atomizer," the scientist said.
Andrew grinned at her. "Thank you, sweetheart. I know you're probably one of Xander's so I won't even try for a cheek kiss or a friendly handshake." She giggled but Xander kissed her and they walked off together, going to the labs. People there were screaming in fear at the newly spreading demon. They walked around it with a pat. "I love those guys," Andrew cooed, pausing to scratch one behind the mouth. "Such great buddies." That one lapped him and then ate someone who was pointing a gun at them. "Thanks, sweetheart. Oh, a boy," he said when that one exposed himself. "Cool!
Xander patted another one. "Are you a boy?" It showed him. "Awww, a girl. You guys have a party. They're mean sorts and they wanted to eat Clint. They'd love you having celebratory fun." They walked on and found the bad ideas vault and then the disease vault. The scientist tried to block them from it but Xander picked her up and handed her to the guard. The gas was now making the humans want to rut with the demons. They were happy to have new fun things to insert. Xander laid a charge in the disease vault, downloaded the bad idea vault into his special carry bags. Then they went to the higher offices. Andrew downloaded all the computers onto his devices and they were done. Andrew handed over antidotes when they ran into the other heros. Xander grinned. "The antidote keeps their expulsions from bothering you." He strolled off. "Okay, I'm going home now. Thanks for playing," he called with a grin and a wave. He winked at his former friends. "Want to come with me?"
They ran to him so they'd be safe before the demons used them as sex toys too. Andrew got them sent home. Then Andrew looked at the heros. "He's insulted but he'll calm down sometime. I hope." He waved then disappeared. The heros got to go back to New York because they weren't going in there. They didn't want to deal with the demons. They didn't want to look at the demons. They didn't want to know what the demons were using the humans for and they especially didn't want to be included in that game. So they'd go calm down Xander.
***
Xander smiled as he let his two friends out of his house. "Have a great day, guys, and happy job hunting." They grinned and ran off together. They were going to go into hiding. Xander had worked out how for them. They could pretend to be married and all that good stuff. The agents waiting let them run past. They could talk to them later. Xander grinned and waved. "They quit last night and they were very helpful."
"Sir, we need to talk," one of the agents said with a smile.
Xander grinned. "Try it. I'm having a lot of fun today. AIM thought I was Andrew." That agent shuddered. "Exactly. So I had to play. Playing is fun and two of my ex's were there. Now they're going to hide and be together so AIM can't find them."
"Sure," one agreed. "What was that thing?"
"What thing?"
"The pink thing, sir. Please don't play stupid?"
"Oh! They're Lolli's. They're native to Saudi Arabia. They split to spawn but they have a few useful gases and they like to be shot at." He grinned. "They're so much fun. They love me. I'm like a favorite pet."
"There weren't that many humans when agents got in there."
"They need protein and stuff to reproduce."
"Um... If they split, how do they do that?"
"They eat them."
"I don't want to know," the second agent said. "You can't keep those things you got off AIM, Mr. Harris. The president said we don't need those for apocalypse battles."
"No, but I have a vault where I'm keeping things from bad hands. Like the club drug that succuba and incubi use to make new ones. Stark was fiddling with it a bit but it makes you insanely needy to take it hard for six days. I used it to stop a demon invasion but I'm making damn sure they can't release it in a club."
The agents nodded in unison, looking scared now. "Why did they make that?"
"They're down on recruiting."
"Oh," one said, looking at his partner. "Can we see in there?"
"You can see part of it. Part of it's so hidden I don't even think about having that vault so no telepathic people can find it from me."
"Sure, can you put the freaky things in there?"
"Yeah but it might go wonky from the staff that Loki used. HYDRA kinda had it. Pity they had me hostage and it at the same time."
"Can we confiscate that?"
"Have you made sure there's no HYDRA people in your agency?"
"No," one admitted. "We've tried."
"I know I'm not going to use it unless I have to. If HYDRA or someone got it again I'd have to use the AIM weapons to get it back, guys." They nodded together. "But, sure, I can brag on part of the vault. C'mon in. Oh, and you can tell Brad too. I see him and I know your boss knows I see him as a client."
"Are you a doctor?"
"Therapist for agents and officers." He grinned.
"I understand why, sir," the second agent said. "You've probably seen things worse than we ever will."
"Yup."
"Great. Let's call your client in. Can he get into it?"
"He's one of the few that's allowed on a few levels."
"Great," the agent repeated. He called that one in through their boss, who sent him over in the fastest car they had. They walked in together, going up to the vault areas. "So, you see him as a therapist?"
"Yeah. Bad incident when I was in the military."
"Hey, no judging. A guy like Harris has seen worse." Xander nodded. "Including last night." Xander nodded again.
"Last night?" his client asked.
Xander grinned at him, making him step back away from him. "AIM thought I was Andrew. They had a guy bust in to kidnap me from a meeting at Stark Towers." The agent whimpered. "I called a Lolli."
"Oh, God," the agent moaned, turning to run to the bathroom.
"We'll wait in the main area for you," Xander called after him. He got them into the security system, handing them the proper badges. "This'll keep off the security system for today. The code changes daily though." His client followed, grabbing his own badge. They went through the apocalypse vault level, getting nods from the agents staring at the weapons. "Sometimes you gotta have something big."
"Yeah, you do," his client agreed. "And I like that I have borrowing rights for emergencies."
"You do, even if I'm there. Someone's got to back me up sometimes." He grinned at Brad, who shuddered. "Oh, come on. Just because the next one's in Detroit and they're threatening to kill us for handling it for them...."
"Enough, Xander. Be giddy later please?"
"Sure." He led them into the confiscation vault, letting them look around. "Don't. Touch. Anything. They're all boobytrapped."
"Okay," the agents agreed together, walking around to look like it was a museum.
One pointed. "What's this?"
Xander grinned. "One of my former lovers infected that lube with a disease. I didn't want that in the open."
"Thanks," they agreed. They moved on, staring at something under a tarp.
"This one?"
"Confiscated from a demon who stole it off that idiot guy Max when he was bothering the world. I didn't think they needed a sonic nuclear weapon."
"No, I don't think most off-world demon wars would need something that big," Brad agreed. "Can Stark have that?"
"No. It's safer here. Here, someone breaking in to try to grab it would mean they'd die horribly. There.... Not as bad." He frowned, noticing a door was open slightly. He opened it and looked then smirked at the note. "Oh, Deadpool was here." He called Clint. "Find Deadpool and take back the bazooka if you can? He left me a 'thanks, needed this and the lube' note. Thanks, Clint." He hung it up. "No idea what he needed it for but if anyone runs into the stupid that I do, it's him." All three agents grimaced but nodded they realized that. They went back to looking. Brad pointed at something, looking at Xander. "That's from Cindra. Her suitor gave it to her to court her but she said I had to hold it until they could decide to be together. Then they got taken and he pouted but didn't want it back. It shoots poisonous goo."
"I'm surprised Deadpool didn't take that one," one of the agents quipped.
"I don't think he knew what it was," Clint said as he walked in. "He said your defenses are neat. Very unique ways of killing him repeatedly. He had to use it but they deserved it." Xander took it to check over then put back. Clint found the bags of AIM things, pouring them out to go over. Xander took a few things to walk them off and stuff them somewhere. The rest the agents took note of and helped Xander put away. Clint showed them another confiscated vault area. They were appreciative of some of those things being out of normal hands. Xander clearly wasn't normal. They watched as a guy in a red and black bodysuit with mask and swords ran in and upstairs.
Xander followed him. "Don't steal from me," he called as he walked. "Ask nicely, Deadpool. Before I sign you up for therapy."
"I could use it."
"Yup, but you're like my twin sometimes," Xander joked. He stared at him. "What is it?" He showed him the picture he had taken. "Oh, Bert. Bert's not harmful." He looked at the expanded picture, pinching it bigger. "Oh, oh, that's Corte, his ex-girlfriend." He looked around then led him to another room, handing him something. "Only killed by colloidal silver and mercury." He found something and held it up. "Know how to use that?"
"Yeah. Not that different."
"Cool. Oh, huge demon event in about four weeks in Detroit. The higher ups in Detroit are threatening the lives of anyone who dares to show up to handle it even if they're all killed." He grinned. "Jump in if you want."
"Yeah, I can do that. If I had been near LA I would've done it then. I keep missing all the big battles. I barely made the one in Manhattan. Thanks, Xander."
"Welcome. Tell Andrew happy birthday if you see him. It's in three days."
"I will." He smiled. "I like Andrew. He's like me only sane and doesn't like Mexican food or Bea Arthur."
"No, he had a thing for Bond girls and Marie Curie."
"He's a geek, that makes sense. Thanks." He left, taking the weapon to help Bert, who was one of his poker buddies and contacts.
Xander went back down. "Bert's ex Corte is here."
"I don't wanna know," Clint said with a grin. "Him helping in Detroit is most welcome too." He walked off. "I'm going back to the tower."
"Okay. Eat something. You're getting skinny and I'll nag you like your ex would. She said to."
"Yup, I will, Xander. Plus tell her to nag herself."
"Um, she ran into Ward and she's in the hospital. I called her last night and was going to visit after dinner." Clint turned to stare at him. "Find my phone." Clint jogged off to find it and burst out swearing. "She ran into Ward," he called.
"I can fix that dick too," Clint called back. "Thanks, Xander." The door slammed a minute later.
Xander grinned at the agents. "His ex-wife."
"Have one of those myself," one said. "Two actually. Who's Ward?"
"A HYDRA guy that had been put onto Agent Coulson's team to control him." He grinned. "When he was revived by Fury's orders."
The agents grimaced. "I'm so glad ours isn't like SHIELD. If we die, we just go and are honored." They shuddered but went back to make a report with Xander's client. The president was waiting on them too. He was slightly amused but agreed that some things might need weird AIM weapons. Plus Xander would keep it out of usual hands until he had to use them against someone like HYDRA, or Deadpool.
The president suggested that Xander perhaps take over AIM by making them a cult to his skills. By the time he got back to the office, he had a new doctor's appointment scheduled to make sure he was all right.
***
Xander came down to make breakfast the next morning, finding a few people waiting on him. "Huge incident?" he asked. "Did I suddenly grow a skill and fart while I was asleep, destroying a block?" he asked at the continued staring.
Clint shook his head. "No, not even you could do that, Xander. We need to talk."
"Sure. I'm here for that."
"About your dating habits and your collecting ones," Steve said, sighing at the end.
"Hey, I can only date who likes me, and if I have those weapons no one else does."
"We can hide them," Natasha said.
"You can't guarantee someone won't get them from you," Xander said.
"Neither can you," Clint said.
"Clint, did you notice that a three floor house has a seven story vault?" he asked dryly. Then he grinned. "Andrew and the coven did it for me so I could securely hide things. And if not, I can go hang out with my cult and they'll guard it for me."
"The fact you have a cult is worrying," Steve said.
"I didn't ask."
"Point," Clint agreed. "It's too bad you can't date people like the ones in your cult."
"I did. You drove off the last two."
"I did?" Xander nodded, giving him a look. "Huh. Sorry." He shrugged. "Can I help you get them back?"
"Probably not."
"Sorry."
"Guys, I'm sorry you don't appreciate the ones who like me enough to date me but there's not much I can do about that. Me going out to pick up lovers never works, I tend to get thrown out of clubs for being creepy because I only have one eye. The ones who like me have never been nice though. I do try to keep you guys apart."
"We worry," Steve said.
Bucky nodded. "A lot. Your last one here was bad for you and everyone."
"Which one?" Xander asked. "None of mine are generally genocidal. A few have issues and are homicidal but not usually genocidal."
"The AIM twits," Bucky said.
"Oh, them, they aren't either. They're actually hiding together now. Um, no, one's a guard and a really good one. He got taken in when AIM overran his old job. She was a lab assistant that got sucked into a germ doc's thing after he paid off her college debts."
Clint nodded. "Still. Try? Please?"
"I have tried. It doesn't work. There's never been anyone interested in me who isn't at least badass or a bit warped. Even Anya was dangerous. That's why she got offered the job as a vengeance demon." He walked around them. "Let me get some coffee." Clint pulled him back and Steve handed him a cup. Xander sighed, staring at them. "Unless you're going to brainwash someone nicer than you guys are to like me, there's not a lot of hope that your intervention is going to be helped any. Unless you really want me to be celibate?"
"No!" Clint said, shaking his head. "I saw the last time you went without for a month. I'm pretty sure I got you drunk to cure it and you ended up with four gang members." Xander nodded, grinning into his coffee. "Can you at least *try*?"
"I do try but I don't usually ask them more than what they do for a living first. And hey, you haven't seen some of my one night stands. A few of them make you look like a pussycat. Though...." He snapped. "Sarah, that's her name, said hi." He went into the kitchen. "What'm I making for breakfast since all three of you are skinny?"
"I just ate," Clint complained.
Xander looked out at him. "I warned you not to make me nag you." He grinned. "Do I have eggs?"
"They were bad," Bucky said. "I threw them out last week."
"Oh, okay. Then maybe I'm not making breakfast." He put the pan back into the dish strainer and looked through everything. "Maybe I'm ordering food and then going grocery shopping."
"Have you ever dated a nice dame?" James asked.
"Yup." He smiled at him. "She just wanted a normal life because she had been chosen as an Incan princess."
Steve and Bucky shared a look. "Aren't they sacrificed?" James asked quietly.
"I think so."
"Yes, she had been, against her will," Xander said. He came back out with the coffee pot, refilling everyone. "All she wanted to do was be a normal girl, live a bit of life. She had to suck energy out of others to do that and I made her try me instead of getting Buffy when she was trying to stop her. She couldn't. I might've really liked her. Or Kendra if she could've gotten over the emotional blocking off that her watcher did to her. She had never even talked to a boy outside his view because he said so." He went back into the kitchen.
"You dated a reanimated mummy?" Clint demanded.
"She looked like the foreign exchange student she was pretending to be."
"Um...." Clint looked at the others, who both shrugged. "You couldn't tell?"
"We had barely gotten into our first date, which was a dance at school for the foreign exchange future victims the school drew in." He leaned out to look at them. "We had no idea."
"Oh."
"She was very confused by Buffy being such a girly girl though." He went back to making a grocery list.
Clint walked in to stare at his friend and therapist. "Have you never dated someone normal?"
"Normal is relative. The girls told me I was normal." Xander shot him a look. "Beyond that, it's not like nice girls who work in offices flirt with me. They won't let me flirt with them either." He shrugged. "I can only date those who like me since I'm not the rude sort that'd drug someone to date them."
"Point. We're just worried that they'll kill you."
"They all tried until Anya. She only tried to kill me in bed." He shrugged and grinned at him. "I love that you guys are good enough friends to try to talk to me about the bad ones who like me but there's not much I can do. They like me. No one else likes me to date." He shrugged again. "I can't really restructure that."
"I get that but can you take some precautions? What if one of them kidnaps you?"
"Then they'd better be prepared to pamper my ass like I'm a princess," Xander said bluntly. "And I'd set off an alert to you guys so you knew I wouldn't be here for sessions until I could destroy them."
Clint patted him on the arm, going to talk to Steve and James. Natasha was there for moral support more than anything, and to find out who he had dated so she could update their records. "Do we know anyone we can introduce him to? With the one that nearly kidnaped him the other day I'm still worried."
"I'll ask," Natasha said. "Someone must know someone dangerous yet slightly decent." She sent out a text message.
"If you get me new clients I'll gladly make you cookies," Xander called from the kitchen. "And Bobbi's phone was answered by someone else."
"Melinda May has it," Natasha muttered. "Though I do not eat cookies, Xander. They're not good for me."
He came out, tipping her chin up. "If you can't spoil yourself now and then with a small treat, then you're living a miserable existence. Are you?" She got free of his finger. He grinned, handing her a brownie. "The slayers adored the brownies I used to make when they were pouting about boyfriends. And don't feed it to Clint. He has to earn his own brownies."
Clint tipped his head back. "Since when have I been on the brownie reward system, Xander?"
"Since I feel like making brownies and to earn one, go shove the agents glowering on my doorstep so they quit drawing attention to me for the protestors they brought."
"Sure." He got up to go open the door and grinned at the staring agents. "Xander said to move it and take the protestors before he has them arrested for disturbing his peace. He's having a bad day and you're going to make it so he has to pet artillery to feel better. Or find another arms dealer to date." He stared at them until they slowly moved away. He grinned. "Better, guys, but shoo unless you have a warrant or you're a patient." He waved at the protestors. "If you don't like it, save your own damn selves. Not like we *want* to have the battles we'll be having soon in Detroit." They huffed off when officers showed up. The agents glared at him before storming off. Clint smiled and waved at the officers. "Thanks, guys." He shut the door, going into the kitchen. Xander pointed at a large brownie on a plate. "Thank you." He took it back to the living room so they could compile a list of people who Xander needed to date.
Steve got up to answer the door. "Yes, Officers?" He smiled. "Is there a problem since they left?"
"Sir, who lives here?"
Xander leaned back, waving a hand. "It's my home and my practice, guys. Problems?"
"Sir, who are you?"
"Xander Harris. I'm a therapist and used to be Council." One of the officers shuddered. Xander stepped back more fully, smiling at them. "They hated that I handle problems. They're whiny about it too. Would you guys like to get the death threats out of the mailbox and handle it or should I just hand them to poker debts?"
One officer looked, handing in the bills and other non-personal mail. Steve handed one back. "They reused the envelope. That's the third we've gotten in a Publisher's Clearinghouse envelope."
They opened it, looking at the note inside. "Someone's really bitter," the second officer quipped. Steve looked and plucked one out of the stack to open, letting him see it. "Yeah, that's definitely a death threat. I don't think even that magic stuff can make a tank fit up someone's ass. We'll take these in, sir. Thank you." He and his partner walked off talking about it. They went to talk to their supervising officer, who explained Xander to them. Yeah, they could help the poor guy.
***
Tony Stark showed up at Xander's house, staring at him when he opened the door. "Why are you driving my teammates insane?"
"I usually fix the insane, not drive them to it."
"Romanoff has been wandering around muttering about you."
He grinned. "She's been trying to figure out who I've dated in the past to update my files. I let her see a few of my journal entries."
"Do we really need to know?"
"She wanted to know."
"Uh-huh." Stark stared at him. "I heard you dated on the wrong side of the good guy line."
"I can only date those who like me and no one nice, sweet, gentle, and innocent has ever liked me, Stark. We're all really realistic about the people who adore me." He walked off again. "I didn't think you were interested in me."
"I'm not, only in the sanity of my teammates."
"Talk to them about it. Just like they came to me to talk about my dating, you can talk to them about why they're worried about my dating." His phone rang. "Hey, it's me." He smiled. "Well, Stark was just talking about my dating habits so you have weirdly good timing. Yeah, I'm free for dinner tonight. Where?" He winced. "Will I have to dress up? You know I barely have any dress clothes. Sure, I can do that. Just don't nag if I look like a dork. Sure, that's a great time. See you then." He hung up, heading upstairs to unbag his good clothes. "One of my dates wants me to go with him to his sister's wedding."
Stark was shaking his head. "Why?"
"Because he wanted a date he could talk to." He looked back down the stairs. "Not all dates end up in the bedroom, Stark. Or at least mine don't. Some of mine do like to talk to me about things." He went back to opening the vacuum bag so he could pick out which things he needed to hang up so they could unwrinkle. All of them made him look like a dork. He sighed, heading downstairs again to grab his wallet. "I've gotta go shopping. I look like a dork in all those." He left, going to his car. Stark could lock a door, he was that smart. Xander knew where the local department store was and walked in with a sigh. "I hate these places." He headed for the men's section. A saleswoman smiled at him. "I'm escorting a friend to his sister's wedding tonight. I look like a dork in dress pants."
"How formal?"
"Not a suit?"
"I can do that." She walked him over to help him find dress pants that didn't make him look like a dork. It even made his butt look nice.
***
Natasha walked out of her suite to stare at Clint. "Where does he keep personal information so I can finish filling in his file. It's wanted by SHIELD so they can push nicer ones towards him too as a test of their evilness."
Clint smiled, shaking his head. "Couldn't tell you. I know our files are in the totally sealed safe. No in or out options if you don't have his biometrics."
"Would his journal or anything be in there?"
"I'm not sure he always kept one." She grimaced. "You can ask Andrew. He might know."
"I may." She walked off texting him that question and why. Andrew told her to tell SHIELD to butt out before he told Xander's stalkers instead of his dates. They really wouldn't like that. She huffed but sent back they were trying to set him up to see if anyone was mildly rehabilitatable. He sent back to drop it and let Xander handle it. Xander got weird about being set up. The last two had been higher level peaceful demons. She grimaced but sent back they would like to send people at Xander to see if they were truly evil and handle the ones that were but perhaps add to his stable of friends with benefits. Andrew's answer back was a laugh.
"Fine," she muttered. She went to Xander's house to check on it. He was out of town with that date who had taken him to his sister's wedding. She frowned as she walked in. The house felt different. She put a hand on her gun as she checked. She ran into a doorway she never looked in and opened it, finding a hallway. There was no way that was in this house. She would've run into it before now. She texted Bucky, who showed up to help her. He frowned at that door too, going through it with her. The hallway was nice. It led to a spectacular drawing room that looked over a large yard and circular driveway. "Where is this?" she muttered.
Bucky shrugged. "No idea." They went to look outside, both inhaling the fresh air. "This isn't Europe."
"It's England," Xander said from behind them. "My security system said you guys had broken in while I was out and about?"
"I was hoping to find others you'd dated," she said. "SHIELD wants to use you to test how evil some are and let you keep any you wanted to."
He rolled his eyes. "No thanks. I'm not into arranged things." He stared at them. "So why come here?"
"I walked in and it felt weird. I thought it was your security system and perhaps someone else had broken in. This was a doorway I hadn't seen."
"Most people don't."
"Where is here?" Bucky demanded.
"Here is my house the Council gave me in compensation for me having to take out seven of them for harming the slayers." He waved a hand. "Welcome to England."
Natasha looked around then at him. "It's an estate?"
"It is."
"Do you have a title?"
"I could've claimed one but I didn't want that fuss. Though I was officially, covertly, knighted the year before Rosenburg's moving day."
She gaped. "Does no one know this?"
"You guys wouldn't trek to England to come talk to me and that house was mine before then. I had someone link a doorway." He shrugged. "The chaos mage was really sweet and great in bed when I gave him many bad ideas in payment."
She blinked, staring at him. "Does Clint know?"
"He's never asked."
"Does the weapons vault come here?"
"No. There's an armory here but it's not connected. The protections on it wouldn't let the link happen."
Bucky nodded. "That's sensible. Do you use this house?"
"I visit every now and then." He shrugged. "I'm not really the landed gentry type."
"Oh." They shared another look then at him. "Can we come here to defrag?"
"Yup, but they want to arrest you, Bucky."
"Good to know," he agreed. "I can be subtle."
"Sure. Want to go back to the regular house since the gate just opened?" He pointed. They went back there. Xander grinned and waved. "My patients, guys." He went back inside, locking the door behind himself, and followed them back to New York.
"Why have we not seen that doorway before?" Natasha asked.
"It only shows when I'm here alone or Andrew left it open. Which I'm guessing he did." He sent him a text message then looked at her when he got one back. "Really?"
She nodded. "They do want to do that, yes."
"That's nasty. No thanks. They can find me themselves." He smiled as he walked off. "You can tell Clint. He partied there when the original owner was alive."
She looked at Bucky. Who shrugged. "I don't understand that magical stuff either," he said.
"Good. It means you're sane."
"There's an assassin that uses magic. She's really good and you guys keep pretending she died," Xander called from the kitchen. "She's the scary bitch of the universe and she likes me but she's a stalker and not a date."
"Can we end your stalkers?" Natasha called.
Xander leaned out of the kitchen. "They're not scary about it usually but a bit confused. I've talked one of them out of liking me." He shrugged and went back to making sandwiches. "James, want a grilled cheese sandwich or two of them?"
"I'm...."
Xander leaned out again to stare at him. "I warned you not to make me nag about your weight. You're looking *real* girlish." He held up a plate with a smile. "One or two?"
"Two please," he mumbled, going to get food. He got one for Natasha too. Then Xander came out. "Can you tell her about some of your other dates? That way they can maybe profile and slip one your address?"
"I don't mind talking about most of my dates but some wanted privacy." He looked at Natasha, who sighed but nodded. "How far back did you want to go?"
"Anyone who might be in the files," she said.
"Hmm, so stripping when my car broke down then. Though it was nice I had two agents who were mean enough to come tip me repeatedly. It meant I ate one week somewhere other than the strip club." He ate a bite of sandwich.
"Are they still agents?"
"As far as I know. They're both LA agents."
She nodded, eating a bite of her sandwich when Xander paused. "I should probably record this." She found Xander's tape recorder and settled with it, eating more of her sandwich. Xander would talk if she didn't make him nag her. She was hungry anyway.
***
When Melinda May got the tape, she had a lot of bad thoughts about agents. None of them had ended up being HYDRA but they weren't exactly nice, mentally stable agents most of the time. She wasn't sure if it was a bad sign that they were drawn to Xander or if they were trying to suck sanity from him and then became a bad sign.
Bobbi Morse slipped into the head office. "Xander has asked me to interfere with a plot," she said quietly, staring at Coulson. "And really, I think he's right."
He put down his pen to stare at her. "What plot? I haven't heard of any plots."
"That other SHIELD and a few of ours have decided to use Xander to test the badness of some people."
He grimaced. "I think that's distasteful at the extreme."
"So did he. He hates fix ups anyway."
"Who?"
"Natasha originally and now May."
"I'll stop it. I'd never use him that way. Send him clients from among the agents that need his help, but not set him up on dates. That's too personal and I've never been one of his so I can't speak to his tastes."
Bobbi smiled. "They were thinking he was a mildly evil detector."
"I doubt that would work, even if they are drawn to him." He got up to go stop that plot. "We are not a dating agency," he said when he walked into where Melinda was listening to a tape. "Tape." He held out a hand. She put it into his hand. "Thank you. Stop it. We're only sending Xander clients that could use his help to get back on a firm footing. Though I'd hate to see what he'd do to any he found were HYDRA. No more bad ideas, Melinda." He walked off to put that tape into his safe. Then he'd go talk to Natasha. She wasn't wanting to talk to him but oh well. He stared at her. "Do not upset Xander," he said quietly. "It is not up to us to help him date. It's up to his own personal tastes."
"Did you hear who he has dated?" she asked.
"I don't care. It's not my business. Frankly, as far as I've heard you're his type. Should we set you up?"
She glared. "I don't date. You know that."
"And I know why. That doesn't mean it's any less wrong to force yours to come to you." He stared at her. "You wouldn't do it to Clint, don't do it to Xander. Especially since that will probably harm your professional working relationship." She was glaring harder now. "I doubt he wants that sort of stress in his life. He has plenty being himself and a figurehead. It's like being an Avenger only a lot of people hate him for having to do it himself. Guys like Xander and Clint, they find a date somewhere when they want or need it. They don't need you to use them as a test. They'd hate that as you would."
He walked off. "Also, the police over there noted your presence. We knew about his gifted estate and title, Natasha. That other group may not but they don't look very hard at the important things." He looked back at her before getting on the elevator. "If you upset him, it'll upset others you do care about. Do you want to do that to Clint and Bobbi?" He got onto the elevator, going back to his office.
She huffed but considered that.
Clint leaned out of the kitchen, butter knife with jelly in hand. "I agree. Xander could use someone great. I doubt we'll find him one that won't end up harming him." He went back to making food. "Want a sandwich? I'm doing hazelnut butter and strawberry jelly."
"Please," she said. "That would not harm your professional relationship."
"Yes it would. Why would a full time lover allow us as much access as we need?" He brought her out one, already cut into quarters for her. He sat down on his own chair, turning on the news. "Besides, any true lover would make Xander slow down and he's not ready for that yet so he's probably going to keep it as playing around. That's why he's got six or seven casual friends with benefits." He looked at her. "You upset him and he'll have to drop you as a client, Natasha. Those are the professional rules he's got to go by. I'd hate that for you. You usually seem happier after you've talked to him." She glared but shrugged, digging into her sandwich. Steve came off the elevator. "SHIELD is trying to set Xander up with dates as an evil detector."
Steve moaned, shaking his head. "Has Xander heard?"
"He said to stop it," Natasha said.
Steve looked at her. "Please don't, Natasha. There's probably not that many who are good people who are drawn to his type since most of them seem a bit evil." He went into the kitchen. "Clint, did you use all the jelly?"
"Yeah, sorry. I put it on the shopping list." He ate another bite. "Coulson reminded her of how bad it could be too."
Steve came out, nodding. "I'm more worried about some of the HYDRA guys showing up to date him and how he'd have to handle it. He can't exactly harm clients by his ethics or professional code."
"He'd have to quit seeing them and then turn them in," Clint said. "If he played them to get info he'd be in violation and someone could yank his licenses."
Natasha grimaced but let that sink in for now. She needed a better plan. She wasn't sure why she wanted Xander to date someone but he could use it. It was the same feeling that used to make her try to set Steve up with a nicer girl. Maybe it was some sort of need of stability that she was projecting onto others. She'd have to talk to Xander during her later sessions about that. He'd understand, he did everything else, and was mostly mildly amused at them for it.
The End!
We All Need A Bit of Help Sometimes.