A Harris and a Half. by Voracity2

A Harris and a Half.

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Darcy leaned out of the kitchen, smiling at the mouthy young man that had just appeared. "Hey, Fandral. JARVIS, can you tell Thor he's here?" she asked, going back to making a sandwich. "Hungry and are the rest coming later?"

He blinked at her. "Lady Darcy." He smiled. "I was told he needed me but not why."

She nodded with a grin. "He'll need you even more to help when they get married in a hurry soon." She handed him a sandwich, kissing him on the cheek. "That's from my brother, who said you looked fetching in a veil." He spluttered. She grinned. "How did you meet my little brother Xander? And did it have anything to do with the naked Heimdall incident?"

"Oh, god," he moaned, shaking his head. "Not a mental image I needed, Lady Darcy." He looked at her. "The one with the axe is your brother?"

"Half brother," she agreed with a grin. "You'll have to tell me about the times you've met him so I can swat him greatly for getting into trouble I never heard about."

He nodded, stuffing his mouth before he could say a single word. Thor came out, looking amused. "Thor!" He hugged him one-armedly. "Well met."

"Well met. I see Darcy fed you."

"And passed on the cheek kiss my brother sent," she said smugly. "I need to hear what else he did so I can swat him again."

"We would be amused," Thor agreed. He looked at one of his oldest friends. "It is not happy tidings but yet it is." He handed over the scroll.

He unrolled it, letting Darcy take his plate and food back. "Oh, dear." He looked at Thor. "Now?"

"We're going to have to move up the wedding so it's a quickie one," Darcy said dryly, smiling at him.

"Post battle calming down," Thor coughed, blushing a tiny bit.

Fandral looked at him. "I remember your Jane Foster. She is comely and smart, Thor. She will make a frustrated wife for you but a strong mother to your children."

"If we survive," Darcy said with a nod.

"True. The others are being found soon. I was easiest found." Loki strolled up. "You're free?" he demanded.

"And under a compulsion to help at the moment," Darcy quipped, grinning at the warrior. "We treat him horribly but he helped Dawn a few times."

"Frigga would be most amused," Fandral said, stuffing his mouth again. Three more bodies appeared on the porch and walked in. He handed over the scroll to Hogun. Who read it and burst out swearing. "Also, we are here to help Thor and Jane Foster through their nuptial rituals quickly."

Sif stared at Thor, who shrugged slightly but was still blushing a bit. "It's good that you have started a strong family, Thor. Happiness is the only eternal energy." He smiled and hugged her. "Where is Jane?"

"In our rooms resting. I...celebrated." Darcy handed him the plate with food. "Thank thee, Darcy. She could use such nourishment."

Darcy grinned. "I heard." He laughed. "She shrieks, Thor. She'll make the palace walls sing for years with how loud you make her."

"Aye, and it's a happy thing to have," he agreed.

"Have we confirmed this?" Hogun asked. Thor nodded. So did Loki. "Oh, dear."

"Yeah," Darcy agreed. "Or stronger language if you want to use it. Oh, and I'm looking to hear what my brother did on Asgard so I can swat him greatly."

"Xander is her little brother," Fandral told them. It created two blushes and a loud laugh from Sif.

She grinned and nodded. "I need to swat him until he settles down with someone nice. Though I'm told there's a willing harem of people who'd like to help him start his future evil empire." She rolled her eyes. "We have to keep pointing out I'm his sister, not his girlfriend so clearly they're not that great." She snapped her fingers. "Thor, one of your people sent me fantasy armor. Again. Chainmail this time. It's too slutty for even a halloween costume this time."

He shook his head with a sigh. "I will find that mooning warrior wannabe and talk with him," he promised. She pulled up a picture on her phone to show him. "It looks like finely made chainmail but as skimpy as the leatherette he sent you." She nodded. "Was it padded?"

"No. Chainmail yanks out hair too. And he sent it two chest sizes too small so maybe he thought I'm Jane."

Thor growled. "I do not think I want to see Jane in such skimpy outfits unless she wears it for me," he admitted. She grinned. "I'll see if she would model it for me tonight." Darcy pointed and then threw a pillow at the moving shadow. Loki threw a dagger at it. It screamed and died. "Thank thee, Brother."

Loki looked at Darcy. "If you should wear it in public I'd like to see as well."

She pinched him on the cheek. "You're hot but crazy. I'm into hot but badass." She walked off. Loki was laughing so that was a good thing.

"There's apparently many young men who would moon over warrior women but they expect them to wear skimpy armor that covers less than Jane's bathing costume," Thor told his friends. "Usually with phallic length swords."

Sif nodded. "Many of our youth would do the same if given the opportunity," she agreed. "It was suggested to me until I gutted one." The security team showed up. "Loki killed whoever that is appropriately." Maria Hill came off the next elevator. She smiled at her, nodding slightly. "Agent Hill."

"Now I head the security team here, Lady Sif." She shook her hand. "Would you spare me a few moments to spar so I can gauge how well I have learned sword lessons?"

"I can do such," she agreed. "Let me know when you're free." Maria smiled and nodded, going to check the body. "Is it human, Asgardian, or demonic?"

"Demonic," she said. "Unfortunately. It means we may have to see Darcy's brother agin soon." She noticed the warriors blushing but didn't say anything. There was no telling how Xander had created three warriors needing to blush.

Thor led his friends back to his living area and let Loki follow for now. Of course, it was Darcy's text to him that reminded Thor that if he didn't have heirs, Loki would have to. Loki shuddered and went to hide in his bathroom again.

***

Darcy came out the next morning with Dawn and Mortimer. The warriors three all stared at the young woman and her unusual pet. "This is Dawn. Her sister's the senior slayer." Sif smiled at her and nodded. Dawn gave her a one-armed hug. "That's Mortimer, her cuddly kraken buddy."

"He's very cuddly and even Spain got used to him." She sat down. "I'm going to be doing some wards on Thor's apartment later since I'm leaving Sunday for my next college." They were still staring at the tiny kraken that was climbing up to rest in her hair and play with it. "But first," she said, looking at Sif. "I got word that the slayers are causing incidences up there. Apparently a chaos mage wanted to create some diversion so he managed to let a few of the younger slayers in training find a way to Asgard's training academy so they could prove what Midgardian warriors could do. He said he would prove you were more worthy but a worthy goddess for them. Apparently he has a crush."

Sif cleared her throat to stop smiling. "It is a unique way of proving such. Are the slayers not training?"

"No, they did and then they tried to claim a few warriors," she said. "Because they beat them. Including one of the instructors they thought was a bit scarred but hot."

Sif burst out in giggles, walking off. "I will call Heimdall to see if he will remove them safely before we have many pregnant warriors."

Dawn grinned at Darcy. "He told me he told you." She nodded. "I did paddle his ass while he was in the hospital. I *so* blew a poker debt to get there so I could yell and paddle him. The nurses just got out of the way and stayed hidden for *hours*."

"Good! I need to beat the living shit out of my brother for that and not telling me."

"At least he's still around, Darcy," Dawn said gently.

"I know. Which is good. He still should've told me so I could've sobbed on him and talked him into retiring sooner."

"Yeah. But he thought you might scream like my sister will if and when she hears."

"Yup, I will be now that I've heard. I think that's reasonable."

"Could be but consider how unused to normal things he is."

"Probably true," she admitted. "Still doesn't make me less mad."

"Cool. I totally agree." They shook hands. "Oh, that warrior guy, he sent me a set of fantasy armor too but I sent it back with a note saying that if I had to wear armor for some reason it'd be fully covering chainmail and useable. Fantasy costumes like that only belonged in trashy weddings and honeymoon nights and I wasn't into being a wife yet. I had too many people to debauch. For some reason I haven't heard back from him since then."

"I should try that. And I gave it to Jane so she could feel sexy when the baby bump comes out."

"That should make her feel sexy, depending on how well Thor growls at her in it," Dawn quipped. "Plus second trimester hormone swings I've heard about and the baby will be more safely protected then." Thor groaned, slumping in his seat. Dawn grinned at him. "All the pregnant slayers have had an uncontrollable urge during their second trimester, Thor. You'll need vitamins."

"Aye, I do now sometimes," he agreed.

"One of my college friends said she nearly needed to go to the ER for dehydration after curing her neediness one weekend. She was rubbed raw, hadn't had food or drinks in about two days, and her husband did go due to chest pains." Darcy sipped her coffee with a grin for him. "You lucky guy you." He smiled slightly but went to talk to Jane. "Remember, be gentle for at least another month so it implants firmly, Thor."

"I can try thus. Thank you."

She and Dawn shared a smirk then she pulled Mortimer over to pet. "Hey, baby." He got all wiggly tentacled before hugging her and sucking on her throat. "Aww, am I tasty? I thought you guys didn't eat people." The wavy tentacles came back and he got comfy playing with her hair for her.

"Oh my God, Thor!" Jane shouted. The warriors all laughed but Dawn got up to make them food and Sif when she came back. She even waved at Mortimer when he waved at her. That was kind of the warrior goddess.

***

Clint looked up from taking a nap on the couch as he felt something crawling up him. He looked down at his legs, staring at the plant climbing up him slowly. It almost seemed to be sneaking. "What are you doing?" he asked quietly. It jumped but then rushed up to cuddle his chest. "Hi. Who're you?"

Darcy came strolling past. "Awww, Mortimer loves you. You don't even have long hair to play with." She petted the plant on her way past him to make more coffee. Jane had suddenly went quiet so she was probably sleeping finally.

Clint looked at the baby plant. "You're Dawn's friend, right?" It gave him a squeeze and snuggled in. He gently petted it with two fingers, making it a happy plant. Natasha walked past the couch then came back to stare at it. "I think it's Dawn's cuddly plant friend."

"I'd assume so as well." A few tentacles waved at her. She waved back. "Good afternoon, Mortimer." It made happy squeaky noises. "It looks very cuddly."

"It is. It has good grip strength but not too tight. It's kinda nice," he admitted, smiling at the silly little plant.

Darcy came out. "Dawn said it tried to pick up someone for her to flirt with the other day. So Mortimer thinks you're hot enough to some day pick you up as a special friend to tease and play with." Clint shivered, shaking his head. "I know, you're not a water baby. She said he's a portal kraken, not an ocean one. Hey, Mortimer, wanna come watch your human put up more protections around Jane?" The kraken squeezed Clint. "Sure, I know you're wary about magic, little guy." She petted him. "Be a good boy and maybe Clint will put down some water or iced green tea for you."

"Yeah, I can do that. Bruce won't mind if I steal his green tea."

"I'll go start some water for it," Natasha said, going to the kitchen. You could barely hear her giggling. Darcy grinned and winked, heading back to help Dawn.

Clint looked at his buddy. "At least you don't drool like a puppy dog. I have to tell others how sweet you are, Mortimer. Maybe some of the bigger krakens can find good agent friends to play with if they find out how nice you are." He took a picture and sent it out on his twitter. Titling it ' friend's cuddly kraken thinks I'm cuddly' was cute. A hashtag for mystical cuddly things finished it.

He showed it to the plant, who patted the phone and settled in to suck on his t-shirt and cuddle up to him. Natasha brought out the chilled tea once it was cool, putting the bowl of it down beside the couch. Mortimer tested it with a tentacle then flowed down to slurp it up, you could hear him slurping. Then he flowed back up to nap and cuddle on Clint some more. "Sure, you get cuddly. It's a great day for a nap, little guy." He looked at Natasha. Who walked off smiling after taking some pictures.

***

Maria Hill got notice of a new Avengers tweet, staring at it. She moaned, shaking her head, but reposted it for Hawkeye so other agents would know what they were. Just in case they ran into one somewhere. They probably weren't all as cuddly as Mortimer was. It also made sure that someone at the new SHIELD saw the post.

She got an email from Skye, who sent back an 'awww' and 'Coulson needs real pictures for blackmail'. Maria had to laugh at that. Phil Coulson was still just as much of an asshole as before he had died.

***

Xander got the retweet from his sister's twitter and reposted it too. "Mortimer is so cute," he told the guy he was eating lunch with, showing him the picture. "That's Dawn's baby kraken Mortimer. It loves her hair." The arms dealer moaned, staring at him. Xander grinned. "It's very protective of her too. Even stopped some assassination attempts from demons."

"That's so weird, Xander," he complained. "You're so warped."

Xander grinned. "Sometimes but then again I hunt demons."

"True. Is this one going to the girls?" Xander nodded. "Why can't they come talk to me themselves?"

"I didn't know you needed to be pouted at, pounced, or complained at about being a man sort who had weapons. Hell, half the times don't like to admit other weapons exist until they have to use them. Then they pout about it not being the slayer way."

"Thanks for not letting them pounce me."

"Welcome." He grinned. He got a message on his twitter from someone. He looked then smiled, answering back. "Doctor Strange wanted to know where Dawn was. He doesn't tweet but he tracks any hashtags about mystical things." He put his phone up again. "He's making sure she doesn't turn into Willow."

"That's always a good thing. We saw the witch the other day. She nearly destroyed something to get a single demon out of a church."

"Figures. She could've just talked to it but her magic addiction is showing again." That got a nod but a grimace. "She'll go back to Devon and they'll try to straighten her out for a bit longer."

"Still sucks."

"Yes it does. Especially with how often she tries to kill me for being a guy when she's like that."

"Like in France?"

"Yup, just like then."

"Wow."

"I had turned her addiction over to a higher source."

"Ah!" He nodded. "That makes sense. She's a pouty girl."

"I know where a few more usual kraken are and I'm about to introduce them. They might like her. There aren't too many redheads under the waters." The arms dealer burst out laughing, clapping him on the arm. He grinned. "Sometimes being mean is reasonable."

"Yes, it is. You poor man." They got back to lunch and talking about weapons for the slayers. These sales were protected and he wouldn't get busted for them by anyone. No one wanted to die because the slayers had lost a battle. They'd all look the other way at selling the slayers weapons.

***

Dawn was led into a meeting room and sat down, petting her Mortimer until the agent who had politely request her presence showed up. It only took a few minutes. She stared at the balding man in the suit. "So, SHIELD," she said dryly. "Why are they bothering me before I go to Spain?"

"We're worried about you going to Spain, Miss Summers." Dawn shot him a dirty look. "We looked into other programs and realized that Spain was the safest but there are complications over there. Including those that would hurt your pet and you for your magic."

"I've met some of them." She looked at the moving tentacles. "That's very nice to wave at him."

Phil Coulson smiled and waved back. "Good afternoon, Mortimer." He looked at Dawn. "We think there's a great danger to you going over there. Though it would be safer than Egypt's, Russia's, or China's programs."

"Egypt's doesn't go into mystical artifacts, only regular ones for archeo and museum people. I thought about that one. Most of the social problems are over with now so it might be safer."

"They know you're a magic user. I asked a contact over there to look at the file on your sister. It lists you as a magic user and a white sided witch."

"Which could get me hunted," she agreed. "I'm sure the old Church has many of those sort."

"Yes they do," he agreed. "So we wanted to go over some ways that you could protect yourself. There's not many in the government there that could help you if you ran into trouble. We're also led to believe that the girls in the nearest two houses there are not fond of you?"

"They hate everyone who's not slayers. One has siblings and she's ranted at them to make sure they aren't around too. And they all hate the coven and Willow because of their run-ins with freaky magic things Willow's done. To be honest I'd probably call Xander if I was having a problem to see if he had any contacts over there. Even if a few are assholes it'd probably be safer for me. It might complicate Xander getting future weapons so I'd have to keep it rare."

"What about you bringing a bodyguard?"

"I can't afford one of those and I'm not dating anyone," she pointed out. "So that's not really a great thing unless you want to give me a boyfriend?" She grinned. "Then I'd ask for my sister to get one first before she ends up destroying the earth to get bad dick again." Mortimer flowed over to pounce the notepad and the hand with the pen, squeezing them. "That's so cute. He thinks you're a toy."

"He's a cute little kraken." He petted it with his free hand. "I could use those back, Mortimer. Please?" It squeezed his hand again then went back to Dawn's shoulder and neck to play with her pulled back hair. "He's adorable." She smiled. "Where did you find him?"

"His mommy's in a containment closet."

"Ah!" He nodded. "That makes sense. How do they reproduce?"

"They break off a few tentacles that form a new core."

"That's sweet." He stared at her. "Could you ask someone like Thor to introduce you to someone?"

"Some of the slayers got sucked up there by a guy trying to prove a point about female warriors being great. I got told that they've basically taken over a training academy are claiming the warriors they beat as spoils of war. Those are some of the late teen trainee slayers though."

"Is that going to cause a diplomatic problem?"

"I'd hope not but Buffy would think it's cute." She grinned, petting Mortimer. "Not the earring, Mortimer." He quit fondling it. "Thank you, baby." She smiled at him again. "You should really talk about that with her so she can send Faith to stop them. They won't listen to Buffy when she's feeling up their muscles. And also please talk to the half-Asgardian dweebs in Mongolia who keeps summoning a few guardian level demons to train them how to be warriors. They want to be celebutantes."

Phil Coulson squeezed his eyes shut then nodded. "I'll have someone talk to Thor about them."

"The slayer nearest there has a few times and kicked his ass repeatedly about it."

"I'll have Thor go scare them."

"You could ask Sif." She shrugged a tiny bit with a smile. "She's down to help guard Jane and Darcy while being there for the upcoming wedding."

"Who's getting married?"

"Thor."

"Oh!" He nodded, making that note. "We can help with some diplomatic guarding for that." He looked at her. "Are you sure you want to go to Spain?"

"There's no program in the US. I'm not going to Cleveland without an advanced degree."

"We'd rather you never go back to Cleveland actually. We've noticed that the hellmouth picks up its output whenever you're in the area."

She nodded. "I know. I've felt. I really hate Cleveland. I so totally hate Cleveland and the slayer house and my sister most of the time. I'd like to never go back there. When I get my degree I want to work from somewhere safer by skype."

"Mr. Giles knows?"

"Yup." She nodded, grinning some. "He's heard and stopped Buffy a few times when she was making plans to kidnap me back to Cleveland. Mortimer stopped her once too."

"I can see both sides but I don't think it's healthy for you." She shook her head. "Is there any other degree you can think of that would help you more?"

"Not really. And I only got accepted to Spain's program. I did apply to Russia's and they told me they don't accept Council spawn. I missed the deadline for Egypt's by a few months."

"What about a language degree somewhere safer for now?"

"Is next year or so going to be any more safe?"

"We'd all like to think so."

"We'd all like that happy thought," Dawn agreed. "With it maybe we can all fly. Doesn't mean it'll happen. Especially if my sister finds out what Xander's really done in Africa."

"We went looking," he admitted. Mortimer was starting to sneak back over to him so he put the pen down on the table. It still went for his hand. He took his watch off and still on his hand. "Am I fun?" he asked.

"Maybe your skin tastes good. He does drool," Dawn quipped.

"I'd hope I smelled good," he agreed, petting it. It flowed up to tease his hair a bit then back down to cuddle around his neck and shoulders. He patted it, shifting his neck a bit to look at the part on his shoulder. "You're snoring?"

"Yes he does. It means he thinks you're great and comfy." He smiled slightly, petting the little plant. "He likes chilled green tea too."

"That's sweet. I'll keep that in mind if we run into another one."

"I'm not sure if it's the same thing that water based ones like, but there's three around the east coast and about five on the west." He blinked at her. She grinned. "I drove off the one by the Jersey Shore before MTV taped the drunk kids being taken as playmates."

"Oh, dear."

She waved a hand, crossing her legs with a grin. "Handled. It's back by the New York shipping lines."

"Can they be removed to somewhere less crowded?"

"Asking the wrong person," she admitted. "He wears a cape." She pointed in the direction of Manhattan. "Is a bit of an arrogant guy. Use to be a brain surgeon."

"I'll ask him if you know where they like to hang out?" She drew a wiggly line with a little dick on the end for Florida on his notepad and made little 'x's in a few spots. "I'll have him look at those to see if he can make sure they're not harmed or being harmful." She nodded. The baby kraken on him shifted as the door opened and cuddled him by trying to climb into his shirt. "Hey, it's all right," he promised, petting it. "Calm down." Dawn had frozen the guy coming in with the gun. "There is no reason for you to do that," Coulson said firmly.

"It's attacking you!"

"You're an imbecile," Dawn said. "Really, a huge one! Please take yourself out of the breeding population before you contribute to the downfall of humanity! My Mortimer is cuddling him and playing with his tie, not harming him! How goddess damned stupid are you! And if you bring that weapon near me again I'm going to make you fuck it." Another agent got between them and it broke the freezing spell. The first agent raised the gun and Dawn raised a hand, making it glow. "Last warning. Get it away from me and my pet."

"Dawn!" Coulson snapped. The agent tried to shoot the little kraken. The bullet froze, the agent screamed as the gun was relocated into his body, and the kraken went flowing back to his human to protect him. Coulson stood up, glaring at them. "This is totally unacceptable behavior! If I had minded her pet petting me I would have said something." The other agents backed out. "Take him to the infirmary and arrest him once he's free of his weapon. Trying to kill me isn't exactly a good thing."

A woman in a lab coat leaned around the doorway. "Can we test the demon?"

"Fuck you, bitch!" Dawn shot back. "My Mortimer isn't harmful and if you touch my pet I'm going to turn you into his perfect mate." She shrank away from Dawn, nodding quickly. "I think we're done here," she told Coulson. "Before I lose my temper and destroy things like my name's Rosenburg." She picked up her bag and walked off. Two agents got into her way and were suddenly little gerbils. She stared down at one that still tried to attack her. "You're brave but I know plenty of peaceful demons who'd love to snack on you." It ran away. She went outside and to her hotel for the night. She did send out a facebook warning to Darcy. That way others knew that agents had tried to attack a peaceful, harmless being for being a cuddly plant. She calmed down, taking a bath with Mortimer to groom his tentacles and keep him calmer.

If they showed up to try something else she'd be prepared to become the sister of Xander instead of Buffy.

***

Darcy's phone chirped so she glanced at it, frowning. "Aw, fuck," she said, breaking up the meeting about her safety. She held it up so Hill could see it. "Some SHIELD agents tried to attack Mortimer for being cuddly."

"Oh, dear," she said, taking the phone to read. "Is this a private message?"

"Nope. That way the peaceful community knows that there's agents who're going to try another purge." Hill glared at her. She stared back. "The slayers do protect the peaceful communities as well, Hill. Including peaceful, cuddly little plants." She took her phone back and answered Dawn hoping she was fine and that she was sure the slayers and others would be helping them both protect the peaceful demon groups in the world.

Because those agents were huge idiots and wrong humans. She put her phone back up and looked at Jane, who was grimacing. "Mortimer got cuddly with the agent talking to her about Spain and the threats she might be facing over there from idiots. So an agent rushed in to save him by shooting at Mortimer, who was around the agent's neck but snoring." Jane winced, but nodded. "So Dawn had to insert a gun and then made two new gerbils."

"Good! Can we feed them to those energy tentacles I accidently opened the portal to?" Jane asked. "It'd serve some good for humanity."

"No," Hill said quietly. "It'll be taken care of." She looked at Darcy. "Would they attack you?"

"SHIELD agents? Yep, probably. You have some really nasty little assholes under you, Hill. Even if you're not really in charge." She stared at her. "By the way, saw the three following me the other day to coffee and back. They weren't our security team in this building. James spotted them too and they took off running like he was going to kill them."

"They could have been HYDRA agents," Hill admitted. "He reported them to me."

"One dropped his wallet and it had a SHIELD pass. A current SHIELD pass. Which I gave to Stark and Natasha."

"That's reasonable I suppose," she agreed patiently. "You are a bit reactionary."

"Agents tailing me when I haven't done anything wrong and your own people are a threat to my safety because you let in racist assholes? Yeah, I'm very self and Jane protective."

Hill nodded once. "We did try."

Stark strolled in, handing over that ID card with a grin. "Dawn's fine. The hotel has security and they were alerted that idiots were going to be coming after her pet. By the way," he said, pulling Mortimer off his back to hand to Darcy. "Can you kraken sit?"

"Yeah, sure I can." She smiled at it. "Hey, baby. It'll be okay. Your mommy will be just fine and I can pet you until she's safely in Spain this weekend." She petted him, letting him lounge and calm down. She looked up at Stark. "She good?"

"So far. She would like those agents to grow up and grow a few brains between them." He looked at Hill. "Mortimer really liked Coulson. Snuck over to cuddle him twice."

"Awww," Jane and Darcy said together, sounding a touch sarcastic.

"So they were going to kill Coulson to kill the baby kraken?" Darcy asked. Stark nodded. "Well, sucks to be them then."

"Yes it would," Stark agreed. "Being that stupid is a sucky state of life." He looked at Mortimer then at her again. "You sure you can kraken sit?"

"Of course. He loves my hair just as much as his human's and I can make him tea and all sorts of cuddly bath stuff. Probably without salts or bubbles just in case but we can take a long bath and soak for a bit. Plus I've got something of Xander's in my apartment so he can rest on it if he needs the magic to help himself."

"That's fine then. Let me know if we need to get anything weird."

"I can do that."

"And keep him away from Bruce? He freaked out a bit at him cuddling Clint." He gave her a pointed look before leaving.

"Sure, we can do that. Doctor Banner just needs to know that you're a great, loving little guy. That's all. I'm sure the Hulk would like you too since you're nearly his color."

"I don't want to know what Hulk would do with a cuddly plant," Jane said. "He might get really mad and hurt him."

"Yeah, we can't let that happen." Darcy looked at Hill again. "So, our new security guidelines? We were going over lab deliveries? Does that include me getting her lunch and coffee?"

"We can have those tasted by someone," Hill said, getting back on target.

They could deal with Dawn and Mortimer at some other time.

***

Faith stomped up to where Xander was playing poker. "C'mon, let's go."

"Why?" he asked, not looking up from his hand. "I'm not Council."

"You have diplomatic ties I don't." He looked up at her. "Retrieving the twats that took over the training academy and are sexually harassing the warriors they beat."

Xander snorted, shaking his head. "Those poor warriors." She snorted but it was a happier sound. "Sure, let me finish this hand." He won and grinned, taking his winning kitten with him. Faith petted it too, making it happy not to be a snack. They went to the park where Xander looked up. "Hey, Heimdall, can we come grab those slayers by the hair to drag them off for you?" he called.

The bridge's end appeared and Heimdall appeared, staring at them. "Please do," he said, staring at Faith. "They are most giggly and slightly annoying."

"Yeah, they're teenage girls. We want the slayers to be normal girls and they are."

"Do we have to bring any back because they're bonded?" Xander asked. "And has anyone talked to the twats who're in Mongolia?"

"We are studiously ignoring they exist for being so very whiny," Heimdall admitted. "Sif will go talk to them soon with Hogun. Come, I'll lead you there and help you remove them before they cause more problems and take more hostages by winning sparring matches against them."

"If that's all it took, I'd be taken by now," Faith said dryly as Xander helped her onto the bridge and followed. "Hell, Buffy would have a boyfriend she couldn't stake if it was that easy."

"I'd have at least one or two," Xander quipped. He grinned at Heimdall. "Now you see why I walked off before I killed a bunch of the slayers."

"I saw that," he joked with a smirk back. "Very wise, Xander."

"Thank you."

"Unlike the last time you were in London." Xander shrugged but grimaced. "Or in Egypt recently." He gave him a pointed look.

"I'm not the one that called. They decided I had to be Asgardian with all that I've done so I'd have some sort of calling device." He shrugged again. "Not my faulty thinking that they said humans couldn't handle demon emergencies."

"True, but still ...amusing."

"Yeah and so was getting a local contact down onto them."

Faith looked at him. "Don't tell me any more, I'll have to report it. Giles is scrying us."

"He knew. I complained about it on my livejournal. That way everyone else knew what those idiots' problems were." They heard girlish squeals and looked. Not the slayers. Giggly unicorns wearing dresses, armor, and lots of jewelry. A few even had manicures on their hooves. "Dawn told me about them," he muttered, looking at Heimdall. The Guardian god didn't look that impressed. "Didn't Dawn send them home?"

"A few appeared with the capturing cube," he admitted. "We have been unable to get them home yet."

"I'll tell Dawn but she's protecting Jane and moving to Spain at the moment."

"Thank you." One of them trotted over and talked to Heimdall while ignoring them. "I am busy escorting them to get their problem members off Asgard," he noted.

"But we're important!" she whined.

Xander sneered. "Bitch, please! I saved the world every day since I was sixteen. Faith's done the same damn thing. Hell, I've taken on battles that should've taken whole armies against higher level demons and even I don't whine at Heimdall. So trot your happy tail back there and wait like a good little princess of pinkness should. Because your manners are horrible and that's not a good way to make a good impression on other warriors." He looked at Faith then at Heimdall. "Training academy by the fountain?"

"The farther one," he admitted. "I'll bring you, Xander and Faith. It'll be easier and you can cart back your own whiny things."

"I can make a formal apology for them," Faith said. "That's why they sent me."

"Talking to Odin is often boring, problematic, and did I mention whiny?" Xander said dryly. "He kept telling me I was just a human. Right after I blew up a huge demon his warriors were whacking away at with swords. Saved the nursery area of the infirmary and all that. He told me I was just a human. I asked if he was secretly a human slayer. Got all huffy about it when someone explained that to him." He grinned. "He still thinks I'm an upstart mortal bastard."

"Great. Well, still, if I have to I can be diplomatic and apologize for the chaos mage guy that pulled our girls up here."

Heimdall shook his head. "Don't bother. The Council has been laughing hard at the warriors being so soft." He took them to the training academy. They watched the six slayers sparring with their captive warriors. "They are not worthy."

"No, they're not," Xander agreed quietly. "Sword?" Heimdall handed over his short sword. Xander walked out there and took on two of the girls, blocking their blows. He got them down after a few minutes. The others attacked him and a few shrieked as he kicked them into a well. He got a few cuts but he did win, easily enough. "You warrior wannabes are free to go," he noted without looking away from the girls. "Learn better so mere girls who are slayers can't beat you. You're supposed to be the cream of the future of Asgard's warriors." He glanced at the teacher. Then at the girls. "They could use those who broke egos and trained if you knew someone better."

"I summoned one but he hasn't appeared," that teacher said. "Who are you, mortal?"

Xander grinned. "I'm Xander. I used to be their trainer but I quit because of the egotistical bullshit I had to go through each and every day with them." He shot one a dirty look when she started to whine. "Go talk to Faith, ladies. And I use that term loosely." He pointed. "Go." They stomped off. He turned to look at the trainer. "If you find someone who can train them better, please send them to the girls in Cleveland. They can get them sorted with who needs the better training plus boarding them."

"I shall." He shook his hand. "Thank you."

"Welcome. The chaos mage that summoned them will get yelled at by one of his own." He walked off, handing over the sword. "I'm sure you can pack anything you have with you or you bought by yourself."

"They gave us armor," one sneered. Xander smacked her across the back of the head. "Hey! Mean!"

"You stole it when you tried to claim it. That's not how you get special armor, ladies. You *earn* it. You haven't done a singe thing to earn that honor yet. You haven't won a battle, most of you haven't saved a single life. Hell, most of you haven't even been on patrol yet! If it were that easy, even Rosenburg would have some. Now, let's go. Giles hates paying me overtime when I have to get summoned to help deal with things."

One pouted at Faith. "Why did you bring him! He's just a guy!"

"Who just beat all six of you," Faith reminded her. "By hand with a sword. Proves just a guy is better than six slayers. Now, march!" She pointed. They ran to get their things and Faith followed to make sure they didn't take anything extra. Xander looked up at Heimdall, who just smirked back. That helped and the girls got led back to the bridge's edge so they could drag them home. Heimdall sent them to Cleveland and Xander back to New York. Faith walked them into the house. "We're back," she called. "Giles, I had to get X's help. They're all whiny cunts today too."

Giles walked out to stare at his girls. "We caused what sort of incidents?" They pouted at him. "Faith, did you tender an official apology?"

"I offered to. Got told it wasn't needed."

"That's fine then." He pointed. "My office, girls." They pouted but stomped that way.

She grinned at him. "X asked the trainer they beat and claimed to please send a good trainer if he got one. That we'd give him all the ones who need it and a room."

"I dare say that's a great idea and could definitely help the ego problems. How did you stop them?"

"The same way they claimed the warriors."

"You fought the girls?"

"No, X fought the whiny things. All of them by himself." He winced. "Didn't hurt 'em too much. Then he freed their captives."

"That's fine. Thank you both. Is he here?"

"Nope. Heimdall held him back and sent him home."

"That's fine I suppose. I'll have him send me a report. Go rest, Faith. You could use it."

"Oh, some of the unicorn princesses were up there too, Giles. Whining that they got sent back to Asgard by accident."

"I heard the report on them and had to drink myself to sleep that night. I feel rather sorry for the Asgardians at the moment," he admitted as he walked off to grab the girls from the kitchen and take them to the office. He really had to institute some more rules and punishments.

***

Darcy walked into the office, where Pepper was waiting on her looking hopeful. Darcy turned and slammed the door. "I ran into another idiot who thought I was fucking my brother," she started. Pepper moaned, shaking her head. "Not the guy but his arms dealing boyfriend. Who said 'oh, you're Xander's new girlfriend'. So I slapped the living fuck out of him and noted I don't fuck my brother, never wanted to fuck my brother, and if he wanted to ever fuck my brother again he might want to quit before I tazed him. He hopped up to get into my face so I tazed him.

"His boyfriend came in making squeaky noises. So I smiled politely and said that you had sent me over with that pre-approval contract and I could answer questions if he wanted. He pouted that I'm against his boyfriend. I pointed out I didn't care about his boyfriend and I could ask you if you cared about his boyfriend. His boyfriend was pouting at me by then so I glared at him and asked if he had been seeing my baby brother to get closer to the pouty slayers.

"He shook his head and then shuddered so apparently not. The guy read the contract and wanted to know if his boyfriend was going to be a problem. I said I'd ask." She put the contract with notes on the desk in front of Pepper then smiled. "He said it's good that we're strong enough to deal with real things, unlike most science heavy companies."

Pepper read the notes, smiling some. "I think most of those are doable. How bad is his boyfriend?"

Darcy shrugged. "Saw him twice with Xander in pictures. I can ask him if you want."

"Did you take a picture?"

"With my tablet." She let her see it.

"We can probably ask Hill if she knows him." She sent a text to Hill's phone, getting her a few minutes later. "How bad is this boyfriend of our newest scientist?"

Hill looked, grimacing. "Not horribly skilled. Sells minor arms." She looked at Darcy. "You look flustered."

"I had to kick him around a bit because he was in the 'let's see Xander and Darcy screw' club."

Hill nodded once. "We knew he wasn't big enough to be on SHIELD's radar. We only realized he was selling arms because he dated your brother." She handed the tablet back.

Pepper smiled. "If his boyfriend hires on here will we have a problem?"

"Probably not. I'd have to specially code his pass anytime he came in so he could only go to that lab. You said he'd be working in the accessory building so nothing will be too classified."

Darcy looked up at the fighting going on in the hallway. She sighed. "Richards?" she asked. Pepper groaned but nodded. "Great. Jane?"

"In bed." Pepper grinned at her. "Thor celebrated breakfast again since she managed to keep it down."

"I guess sperm is good for her morning sickness," Darcy quipped. The shouting slowed down then went back up to screaming levels. Darcy sighed. "Permission, Pepper?"

"Please make them stop," she agreed.

Darcy nodded, going up to the nearest porch area. She looked up. "Hey, Heimdall, can I have that capturing box?" she called. "Pretty please?" It landed at her feet. "Thanks." She looked it over as she walked back down to the lab floor. She held it up. "No, that's the holding evil end," she muttered, then put it down and activated it. Reed Richards and Tony Stark got sucked into the cube. She smiled as she picked it up. "I'm giving you two two days. Fuck it out, fight it out, whatever, but in two days if you haven't worked that stress out I'm putting you back for a month the next time and we'll find a way to scry you two fucking the stress out." She walked off humming, putting the cube into Jane's lab with a pat on the top of it. "There you go, guys. Rest and then work it out. You've got forty-seven hours and fifty-two minutes." She went back up to Pepper's office, smiling at the view of the cube on the virtual screen. "They can be civilized or whatever. If they fight, they're dumb but men. If they screw, then they're still being guys just better guys." She shrugged. "I can find a scrying spell to make sure."

Pepper stared at her. "That's kind of evil, Darcy," she said with a smile.

Darcy grinned back. "Thank you! I'm going to have to turn into my brother someday soon!" She beamed as she walked off. "Let me know if you need me to run more errands, Pepper. I'm going to lurk in a chat room to get propositioned by a guy pretending to be a girl from the midwest."

"Sure," she agreed, looking at Hill.

"I'll see if anyone wants introduced to her," she promised, going back to her office to cackle and laugh until she got sick. Everyone hated dealing with Reed Richards. And most of the time they hated Tony Stark almost as much. So that was a great punishment.

***

Darcy smiled at the woman walking into the living room that night. "Hey. He's trapped in a cube with Stark to work out their stress so we didn't have to hear it."

Sue Richards blinked a few times. "I was going to ask where Stark buried him."

Darcy grinned. "I told them I'd let them out in two days but if they hadn't worked it out however they needed to they'd go back in there for a month. I suggested they act like guys and either fight it out or screw it out. Sorry if that upsets you."

Sue burst out in giggles. "I'm not sure Reed would know how to do that. He barely knows how to handle it when I need him to." She sighed as she sat down. "Where is the cube?"

"Jane's lab."

"That's fine then. It's probably safe."

"Unless she opens that portal again and we get more ethereal plane tentacles."

"What now?" Darcy pulled up the video of the tentacles. Sue blinked, staring at them. "That's interesting."

"They're ethereal plane tentacle buddies." Darcy grinned. "I gave a few supposed agents to them when they were trying to confiscate Jane's work."

"Awww. I'm sure the tentacles like their new friends." She patted her on the wrist. "Tell Reed to come home when he's out of there."

"I can do that."

"Thank you, Miss Lewis." She walked off giggling. Reed and Tony Stark trapped together might just be the most wrong thing ever but hopefully they were figuring out their stress somehow. She'd have to ask Reed how he was in bed. Reed might get jealous but she was okay with the results of that too.

***

Darcy opened the portal, staring at the two men glaring at her. She smiled. "Did we work it out or are you two going back in there for a month this time? Though I'll make sure you have lube and stuff just in case."

"You can think things into being in there," Stark said. "That's evil, Lewis. We need to fix that tendency."

She smiled. "Then next time don't get into science fights that way, Stark. Even Pepper huffed."

"Still evil."

She blew a kiss. "Thank you." She looked at Reed then pointed. "Your wife?"

"Sue," he said, walking over to hug her. "We need to take that cube to examine."

"It's Asgardian," Stark said. "Dawn had to use it to send an alien tree person home." He glared at Darcy. "I should fire you."

"I don't work for you, Tony. I work for Jane. Who giggled herself into an accident. Do I need to put you guys back there?"

"NO!"

"Great." She beamed, walking off with the cube. "We'll all be happier then, huh?"

Tony glared at her back. "We'll be talking, Lewis."

"If you want." She waved back at them. "I'm free until Jane goes back to work."

Tony looked at Pepper. Who just patted him on the shoulder. "We need to fix that, Pepper."

"You guys were getting rather loud, Tony." She grinned. "It was good that you two worked things out. However that happened."

"Yeah, we worked out we need to spank Lewis."

"I'm not sure if she's into spanking or not," she admitted. "You'd have to ask her, Tony." She strolled off. "I'm going to make a light dinner if you needed some."

"Sure, I'm up for dinner." He pounced her in the elevator. "You'll make a great dinner," he growled in her ear. Pepper shivered but let him lead her to the bedroom. It was a good idea for Tony to feel better.

Downstairs, Sue was making Reed jealous so he'd do the same thing. It was nice when he pounced.

Darcy was having chat sex with someone. It was good enough for now for her.

***

Xander showed up pouting. The tower's security team stared at him when he signed in. "Lewis isn't in," one told him. "Stark made her go deal with a problem scientist at the other lab."

Xander pouted, texting his sister. He showed the answering text, getting a nod. They let him into her apartment to pout up there. She got back about two hours later and was huffy. She stared down at him since he was laying on her couch. "What happened?"

"I had to talk to idiot agents because I lost two of my ex's."

"I'm sorry the agents got them."

"Neither one was agent removed. It's weird but one died of a heart attack and the other died of cancer he never told us he had." She leaned down to hug him. "What sort of idiot did you have to go verbally spank?"

"A really huge one. Stark's mad that I locked him and Reed Richards in that cube to work out their fighting again." She walked around and he moved to cuddle her. They sat there watching the news as the city complained about everything. Xander frowned at the complaining about demons the Mayor was doing. "Fuck him," Darcy muttered. "Half of them paid for your campaign. Just bite me." Xander gave her a squeeze but grinned at her. "You should say something."

"I have to the locals."

"Will the Council say something?"

"Probably not."

"Damn. Maybe we can do a support public march or something." He nodded. She made notes on her phone while her brother got pity cuddles. "Why did you have to talk to agents if they died of natural causes?"

"Because I got left some stuff."

"Ah!" She nodded. "Anything pretty?" She grinned at him. "Like maybe pictures or Xander wanting jewelry?"

"No jewelry definitely. The minions took most everything but the houses they didn't want and some of the lesser weapons." He shrugged slightly. "The agents tried to tell me I couldn't claim anything so I kindly talked to the people over that, who sneered at SHIELD being back in service."

"Ah, them," she said dryly. "Yeah, they're kinda stupid. Including the one that tried to shoot Mortimer while he was on the head guy's neck." Xander rolled his eyes with a sigh and a head shake. "Did they get it worked out?"

"Yup. Told SHIELD to bite them and it was a local matter. When they found out why they died, and that the minions had taken most everything, they let me handle the rest. Including hidden accounts they knew about. And a few bank vaults. So I've sold most of them but if we have to leave the US, I've now got a house in Namibia."

"Cool. Pretty country."

"It is," he agreed. Someone knocked. He got up and went to answer the door. "Sorry, I'm hogging her to mope about two of my ex's dying of natural causes and having to verbally spank the hell out of a few SHIELD agents who got into my face about them," he told the agent standing there. "I don't care what you want or anything like that tonight." He closed the door. "It was Hill."

"Hill, is it a problem with Jane or the labs?" she called.

"No, wanted to talk to him about what happened," Hill called back.

"You hired idiots," Xander called. "And next time I'm going to remove said idiots." He laid back down to cuddle his sister.

Hill went to call in over video. "Now that you've pissed off Harris," she said in greeting. Coulson gave her an odd look. "He said you hired idiots who got into his face and next time he's going to remove the idiots."

"Why were any of my less than exemplary agents near him?" he asked.

"He lost two of his ex's to natural causes," he said.

He looked at his reports. "I'm not aware of that. Let me ask and I'll see how bad they were this time." He hung up and went to find agents to ask that interesting question to. Sure enough, big idiots. He really had to make some things clear to his agents. Including that he was to know about all operations going on. And that if they ran into Harris, or Lewis, they were to be polite, helpful, and keep themselves from being hurt and put into a closet because they were in the way.

He called a staff meeting of everyone, skyping the other units that weren't local at the moment. Two operations were added onto the list and they admitted one wanted to talk to Harris but they couldn't find him. They hadn't done any research and he had to call them back to specifically talk about how you did agent things properly. Someone had messed up their training somewhere.

He thought about siccing Melinda May on those teams but that would cause more strife when she had to handle talking to Xander. She didn't get along well with him and he doubted she could handle dealing with Lewis either.

***

Someone knocked on Darcy's door the next morning, staring at her. "Miss Lewis, I'm Melinda May with SHIELD."

"I know who you are," Darcy agreed. "Why are you bothering me before I go to work? It's barely past coffee time, Agent May."

"I need to speak to your brother."

"You do realize my brother works nights, right?" she asked dryly. "And tends to have barely gotten to sleep by this time of early morning?" Melinda looked confused. "Most of us are *really* not happy to be woken up just after we got to sleep. I'd assume agents were normal enough to feel the same way." She sipped her coffee.

"Can you wake your brother up?"

"Hell no. He only got to sleep two hours ago. I'm not the evil sibling today." She grabbed her things and walked out, turning and locking the door. "He has enough problems staying asleep already. You're not waking him up." She walked off, going to the lab.

"Obstructing us is a problem," May said. "We may have to have more administrative talks."

Darcy turned to smirk at her. "Sure, we can talk about that, Agent May."

"No, don't," Clint called, coming up the hall. "Down, Darcy."

"Awww, shucks to quote Steve," she shot back. "She's not waking my brother up since he only got to bed two hours ago."

"No, she shouldn't need to. It's not an emergency," Clint agreed, smiling at her. "Jane's already heading for the lab and Thor's sleeping in today." Darcy rolled her eyes but let him handle it. Clint looked at Melinda. "You're lucky she didn't just taze you for showing up at her door at this hour. Normally Lewis is making Jane go to bed about now. Did you not read a single thing about her or him?" he demanded at her angry glare back. "Seriously! His file notes that he works night hours and has been known to take out agents or just simply inconvenience them for hours on end, when they annoy him."

"He's into arms dealing, Barton. I don't care."

"He's former Council and got the girls their weapons," he shot back. "You're an idiot. Get out of Avengers tower."

"I doubt they want you here."

"I doubt you were asked your opinion," Xander said from the doorway. He stared at her. "Wow, I thought you were just a bitch before, May. Thankfully I didn't fall for your ineffective and pathetic attempt to snare me when I was still working with the slayers. Seriously, I've seen newbie agents who're better at it than you were. Hell, I've seen virgin twinks that were better at it than you were. Secondly, I don't give a *damn* what SHIELD wants. Or needs. Or wants to know. You're full of morons. You're one yourself.

"I'm not going to do anything with or for you people outside of where I save everyone again. If that gets me into trouble, I'll gladly move from the US and let you all die during the next apocalypse battle. Have fun with that." He slammed the door. "Tell the nice redheaded one that sent me the condolence e-card thank you. I didn't even know that one died. Thankfully I got there before anyone else did since most of his minions went with him. I'd let her into his files but they burned in the fire that took them all out."

"Sure, thanks," Clint said. He looked at May. "Wow, only deadly and dangerous people are drawn to him so I'm guessing you were weak." She stomped off. He waved at her back. He looked up the hall at Natasha. "He said thank you and the fire took out any files."

"That's reasonable. Did he gain anything that he's passing on to the slayers?"

"He didn't say but her arguing woke him up."

"I'm more than able to give him a few hours," she said. "Unlike some, I know not to wake up people who have just gotten to bed." Clint grinned, heading off to make sure May had left the building. Natasha set a request for the AI to tell her when Xander got up so she could ask him about that missing boyfriend of his. He was much nicer when he wasn't exhausted. Most people were. Though she did send a note to Coulson about May's 'ineffective and pathetic' attempt to woo Xander at one time.

***

Coulson read that note and looked it up in the old SHIELD files. He sighed at the remarks she had made. He also got hacked footage from Stark's security system about that talk this morning. Clearly May was still angry that she had failed that mission because he had known she was an agent and out to destroy the Council. Even good agents could be petty since they were still human. When she got back he called her into the office. "Tell me why you thought it was a good idea to wake a man who has been known to take a battle axe to huge demons to save ungrateful people?" he said when she walked in.

"He..."

Coulson held up a hand as he pulled up a file, turning his monitor so she could see it. May grimaced. "That is what he was doing two weeks ago, Melinda. He's still probably healing some injuries. Your last run-in with him was noted in the files and it was advised to not let you near anyone Council ever again." He stared at her. "Why were you going to bother him today since the only two projects that might have him as a source of information are on the west coast?"

She stared back. "Agent Millers asked me to since he was out here annoying Stark tower."

"They do not consider him an annoyance. Most of the time. Though there are notes that say they would like him to quit hyping Lewis's urges toward handling things like he does." She scowled. "He is not an arms dealer. He never was. He's slept with some. He's gotten weapons from some for necessary and future reasons. Because you can't take on everything with a sword. Or his battle axe." He stared at her for a moment. "I think it would be best if you were removed from anything Council, Lewis, or Harris related, Melinda.

"I don't think you're objective and I think the animosity he shows towards you would hinder you doing anything necessary. Also, Stark himself just sent an email." He opened it to read then looked at her. "He's requested that the next time I send an agent to talk to anyone in the tower, temporary resident or not, that they not fight in the hallway and he's said that he'll be talking to Harris about his sneering too." He looked up at her again. "He also said he pulled up the files on that and apparently you needed lessons from Natasha in subtlety. Though I'm not sure if he knows what subtlety is."

"I can handle myself professionally."

"You didn't," he said. "Even before you got there. You didn't read his file at all. You thought you knew the man and you have no idea what he's done or anything about him. It's nice you listened to gossip about him being Lewis' half-brother. I know she's highly frustrated with people who think they're together. She tazed the last one about a week ago."

"I can handle him and all those girls," she said firmly.

"You sneer at the slayers and they'll smack you around and put you in a closet," Skye said from the doorway. "We've just gotten back the two they did that to last week, Coulson. We're finding nanites so Wells got them too. Science wanted your opinion on it."

"I'll ask Andrew to remove them. You can escort me, Skye, so you can meet them."

"Sure." She smiled. "I'm all for supporting the people that save humanity so often." May glared at her. She stared back. "I can't handle something like the invasion in LA or the one in Kuala Lumpur. I barely know how to hold a sword. You can't use one with any sort of skill. We're all screwed if they fall and we have to fall in to help them save us all because we don't know how to do it." She looked at Coulson. "Can I take sword lessons?"

"Yes. Please do if you want."

Skye grinned. "Thanks, Coulson." She left. She came back. "We have a zombie in medical. It came with those two agents, handcuffed between them when they were dropped off." He got up to go check on that.

Melinda went to her room to sulk for a bit. She was good at her job. She hated those Council people but she could act professionally near them. She was sure she could, no matter what some uppity people thought. Not like they mattered to anyone anyway.

***

Stark looked at Loki that afternoon. "Are you doing something to hype Lewis' evil mood or Harris' bitter moments?"

"Why would I? It's already entertaining and the others brought on those bad moods themselves. Including you with your constant arguing with the stretching man." He waved a hand around with a grin. "It's most entertaining to me already."

"Uh-huh. I should ask someone who can sense magic. Just in case."

"I bear no ill will toward Harris or his sister. She is mouthy but feisty. He's feisty and beats people who would make me get messy by taking them on. One does not bother those warriors who save everyone. It's dumb and makes sure that you have to take their place."

"Good point." Stark left him in the bathroom, going to talk to Lewis. "Can we make sure you're not magiced into being more evil?"

She looked at him. "I'm not evil yet, Stark." She grinned.

"Locking us in that cube was evil."

"No, it was sanity saving for everyone else before you blew up the labs proving your point against Mr. Supposedly Fantastic. Or you end up accidentally reopening Jane's tentacle friends' portal. Or another portal." He shuddered. "It was saving everyone and you two could fight out of view of everyone. Because you correcting him on something in front of others means that he'd get even more huffy and annoying. The same as you do."

"Maybe," he said. "Still not good."

She smiled sweetly at him. "Who said I'm a good girl, Stark? I'm expedient, I'm good at what I do, I bake excellent cookies, but I'm not a good little girl. It's really insulting to think that a woman my age could be a good little girl."

"You could be."

"Sure, and I can have pigtails and start to skip places again," she shot back. "I'm not that young, Stark. Really, I'm not. Maybe I look that young, that's why I hug people who card me when I got to buy drinks. I'm still not a young girl."

"Fine. That's a feminist thing I'll never get."

"You'd hate being called a boy," Jane said from her seat without looking over. "Calling either of us or Bruce little girls would piss us all off. She just won't turn green."

Stark looked up and huffed then looked at Darcy again. "You're still going too evil."

She grinned. "Thank you. I'm going to be my bro's second-in-command when he finally starts his evil empire. That way I can take on any male members of his group as my personal harem since he's got some girls wanting to be his harem."

Stark shivered. "Damn, I did not need that thought." Darcy smirked at him. "That's evil."

"Slightly," she agreed smugly. "Anything else you wanted to nag about today?"

"If you do that again I'm going to have to torture you by making you go to all those gala events as Pepper's PA," he warned. "The full kit, including heels and bras."

She burst out laughing. "Sure, Stark, and suddenly designers will start making gowns that look good on people who aren't skinny without curves. Beyond that, I wear heels a lot and I've already got one good strapless bra and spanx. Worn them before. Won't wear that ugly dress again but I wore the other stuff." She looked smug. "I can rock a gown like most skinny women can't since I've got breasts that make some men drool. Then again, that's the purpose of a push up bra. Even Jane's tiny little tits look fantastic in a push up bra."

"Gee, thanks," Jane complained.

"Remember, you'll be expanding that for at least a year," Darcy said with a shot grin Jane's way. "Plus longer if you breastfeed."

Jane looked at her chest then at Darcy. "Don't tell me that." Darcy grinned. She looked at Stark. "You know you're pushing her toward doing something even more evil, right? Just to make you scream next time." Stark huffed off. She looked at Darcy. "Leave me out of that?"

"Of course. Why would I need to include anyone?" She went back to work. "I really have to talk to Xander about what's in his vault. One of my ex's sent me an email a few days back that said my brother confiscated a private tape he made of us without me knowing."

"I do not want to know," Jane said in a sing-song voice. "I don't need to know about you doing boyfriend specific porn."

"It wasn't that exciting, Jane. He wasn't any good at it. Hell, I had to fake the 'O' at the end so he'd leave me alone and finally go to sleep." Jane was shaking his head. "And he was kinda tiny too. I'd be more embarrassed about being in it than I should be."

Jane paused. "Who did that gown you wore to that awards thing I had to go to?"

"Off the rack bridal stuff." She grinned. "They're made to fit various sizes so they only had to do a bit of fitting for the boobs I have." Pepper strolled in with Hill. "Tony sulking because I told him to bring it if he made me do some sort of gala event?"

"Yes," she sighed. "What tape?"

"Some barely two week stand," Darcy said dryly. "He was tiny, bad at it, and I had to fake it at the end to get him to finally roll over and nap. I didn't realize he made a tape until a few weeks later when his current girl of being bored in bed asked. Somehow my brother got hold of it and it's in his vault."

Pepper nodded. "That makes sense. You've worn gowns."

"I tend to wear off the rack bridal stuff, Pepper. They account for various body shapes beyond skinny bean poles. I'm not that tall and I have curves."

Pepper nodded. "Some of those can be nice enough in most cases." She smirked. "So you can come to the one in two weeks?"

"If I can bring my tazer to get whoever tries to grope me. Be damned if I want to be the entertainment but it'll probably be at least once that night."

"There's a few who would," Hill agreed, handing over the invitation. "If you bring a date, let me know at least two days in advance so I can assign a security rating."

"Not like I'm dating, Hill." She looked at it then at Pepper. "You know Jane's going to be out of town that weekend, right?" she said with a grin, handing it back. "We're going to be at Culver with Bruce for that science conference."

"Crap," Pepper muttered. "I forgot about him too." She looked at Jane.

"I'll let you keep Thor so people have someone to talk to and hide behind," Jane offered with a grin. "I'd probably end up throwing up on people if I had to attend."

"I can see that being more efficient than a headache," Hill muttered. "Unfortunately I'm not pregnant." Jane grinned at her.

"Punish me by having go to the next one," Darcy quipped with a grin. "I can go schmooze and all that but I'll still get whoever pinches me."

"Fine," Pepper sighed. "They wanted to talk to people who had been in the various incidences."

"I'm not the spandex wearing sort," Darcy reminded her.

"You were of material help getting people out of the way in New Mexico and London," Hill said with a smirk.

"Yeah, and I rescued a pet store in New Mexico too," she agreed with a smile. "Still not the heroine of that battle, Hill."

"Fine. They might think you're in training for SHIELD duty anyway."

Darcy burst out giggling, leaning on the table behind her. "Me? Hell no! Especially not with the stupid that's managed to keep being hired over there." She burst out in new giggles. "Damn, that's cute!" She grinned. "Won't get you out of me suing you to get those files released so I can finally get my degree though." Hill winced. "It's not classified anymore, Hill. You have no right or reason to keep me from getting those two science credits or from blocking Culver from taking the others that Jane's filled out for me."

"Can we talk about that later?" Pepper asked.

"No. I'm suing them." Darcy grinned at her. "That way they have to stop it. I'm not the only one probably. And it brought it to Culver's notice so they can find out how many times over I could've earned those two science credits I needed for my degree."

"I filled those out while we were in London too," Jane reminded her.

"Culver won't take them. SHIELD has blocked that." Darcy looked at her. "That's why we had tequila that night, Jane."

"Oh, then. Yeah, that does suck. Why not take a science class?"

"They don't offer them for distance learning people outside the one I've already taken. They won't take them if I take it at NYU or somewhere else, thanks to SHIELD. I'm about to stick something up SHIELD's ass legally speaking. Either that or run for Congress and try to get them defunded." She looked at Hill and Pepper again, smiling at Pepper. "Sorry, not your concern, Pepper. That was all Hill's paperwork." She looked at her desk then handed Hill something. "You're served." She looked at Pepper again, smiling slightly. "Is there some sort of other punishment I can do to make Stark quit complaining about the two days to correct Richards in private?"

"Not really. It was an inspired idea but he thinks you're going a bit evil."

"Pepper, if I was going evil, I'd be gathering a harem to go with me to join my brother's future evil empire to go with his female bad girl harem. Since I don't even have time to date right now thanks to Jane...." She waved a hand around. "This isn't the future evil empire I'm told I could be the right-hand-lady of."

"No, it's not. Not unless Tony creates one." She grimaced but let it clear up quickly. "Fine. Try to be less evil?"

"I try. Until someone brings it out."

"Good point. That's when I go evil too." She patted her on the arm. "Let me know how that legal snafu goes, Lewis." She walked off smiling where Hill couldn't see it.

Darcy smiled at Hill. "Have a great time talking to Coulson."

"I probably won't," she admitted, going to call him. He could look up that paperwork to see who had signed it. When it turned out she had, and Fury had co-signed it, she had to wince. Hopefully he'd clear up this little thread that was left hanging from the old SHIELD.

***

Phil Coulson walked into Jane's lab with two cups of coffee, putting one beside Jane and turning to look at Darcy, holding out the other one. "Just sugar," he said when she didn't take it.

She took it to sip, staring at him. "Drugged or otherwise tampered with?"

"If I wanted you taken out, Lewis, I would've asked Barton." He stared at her once the drink carrier was tossed out. "We can stop that for you."

"You should've done that before London," she said. "SHIELD had no reason to stop me from getting those credits for any reason."

"It was classified."

"London's attack made the news, Coulson. Not classified," Jane said. "They even caught sight of your team a few times." She looked back at him. Jane took Darcy's coffee to sip and moan. "Oh, that's nice. Thank you." Darcy took the other one. Jane took it back to have both. She smiled. "Thanks for the coffee." She got back to her current math problems.

Darcy grinned at him. "She's right. That's why we didn't come out of the apartment for six long days. We even wanted to have a whoo-hoo, we saved humanity party and couldn't."

"Unlike the slayers, you could've went to a bar," he agreed. "I'd like to make that go away."

"Then go remove that block on Culver and my paperwork," she said bluntly. "Not that difficult. Not like I'm suing you for missing wages I could've made after getting my degree. I could be. Or for pain and suffering with how many headaches you guys have caused me. Hell, I even thought about running for office so I could defund the one-eyed jackass's plots before I got involved in another one."

"I think it was an oversight."

"It wasn't after London," she said simply. "He personally signed the paperwork to block my paperwork with Culver and the secret warrant bullshit to stop them from acknowledging me."

He grimaced then nodded. "I'm not sure why. I know right after the first Thor incident he toyed with recruiting you."

"I would've tazed him and walked over him," she quipped. "I'm not a thug like so many of yours are."

"You're still pissed at Melinda," he said.

"That too. She still upset my brother and seems to be against anyone like slayers being better than she is. Is she so anti-girl power that she thinks she should be the only one?"

"I'm not aware that she was."

"Natasha told my brother that May tended to glare at her as well."

"I'll have to ask Natasha about that. If so, it's something to handle before it gets someone harmed."

"Or she screws up someone's training," Darcy said.

"She was against Skye training," he admitted. "I'll talk with her about that later." He stared at her. "If I made that paperwork go away and let them acknowledge your credits, would you drop that suit? We're still supposed to be covert."

"Once that's all done and I get the pretty paperwork saying that I'm officially a graduate."

"Thank you. I'll work on that tonight. Why only sue Hill?"

"Because you're still supposed to be covert," she said dryly. "Though I've heard rumors that the president was thinking about giving you guys a new figurehead."

"I've heard the same rumors. I'll get on that when I get back to the office." Natasha walked in. "Can we speak for a moment, Natasha?"

"If you wish." She looked at Darcy. "He told you that?"

"He doesn't keep much from me, outside of battles and when he nearly died. He hates to make me worry or go stomp on the slayers."

Natasha nodded. "That is a very brotherly thing to do. Are you going to the gala?"

Darcy grinned. "Jane's got a science conference at Culver that weekend."

"I was hoping to have people to talk to."

"Bruce is going with us," Jane said with a grin for her. "But I'll lend you Thor."

"That may be amusing. Thank you both." She walked off with him to talk about his head bitch.

Darcy grinned at Jane. "Maybe I'll get to go talk to them during that conference. That might be a nice weekend."

"Might be," Jane agreed. "Are you going to walk it?"

"No. That's so far away. I'm not interested in the pomp and circumstance." She shrugged, getting back to her work.

"What about a secondary degree?" Jane asked.

"Yes, she'll have to get one to get paid," Stark's voice said from the phone. "That's her punishment."

Darcy snorted, printing something out and walking it up to Tony's lab. She put it in front of him. "SHIELD's blocking it too." She walked off. She grinned at his huffing. Sure, it was a bachelor's of education in humanities studies, but still could have been for a real job.

***

Phil Coulson looked at the paperwork his assistant had found on Darcy Lewis' educational goals and skills. He winced. "How did Nick Fury screw that pooch so badly," he muttered. Another folder got handed over. "What's this?"

"On the new embassy for Asgard, Director." She left him to swear at his predecessor, who thankfully couldn't come back from the dead to swear at him for it.

He read it over, shaking his head. Sif had suggested Darcy to run it. That was going to cause some strife. He sent Darcy an email about the possibility of someone making an Asgardian embassy. She sent back a tape of a phone call where someone had asked her about things for it and kept huffing that it wasn't a proper embassy if they were like that. When pushed about why they were asking her anyway, Darcy had pointed out she had lived with Thor and his girlfriend for years, and was Thor's fiancee's assistant.

She also pointed out that Jane had been to Asgard, that no one up there used modern, uncomfortable furniture, and that Thor hated it at the Tower. Plus that Thor's idea of an official state dinner was a great feast after a battle with a lot of mead. The lady at the State Department had huffed and hung up rudely. "Great," he decided. "Simply marvelous." He put that aside and sent her an email to ask Thor about an official embassy and if it was something he wanted. She said she'd do that later and send him notes. He thanked her and got back to her educational file. He wouldn't mention that he had pulled it already until it was fixed. Best not to get her hopes up if it was unfixable.

***

Coulson showed up that night to stare at Thor. "I've told the State Department about your wishes for the embassy not being necessary. They're very confused. They're diplomats, Thor. They wanted to set you up an office somewhere so people could get information and if you allowed tourism they could fill out paperwork."

"The last I knew, Heimdall did not demand such papers," Thor said. Sif burst out in girlish laughter so he smiled at her. "Did you speak to them?"

"I have and reminded them that we were not in formal negotiations with them, and if we were we could probably take up space in the tower for an office to meet in."

Darcy waved from her seat. "The lady called me to ask me about your fabric and color preferences. I told her that you hated modern, uncomfortable furniture like is in the other living room we don't use and that diplomatic dinners were those after great battles and other feasts with a lot of mead." Thor smiled at her for that. "She got all sorts of huffy with me about how would I know so I told her I was Jane's assistant and you had lived with us for a few years. I also told her we've been corrupting you to earth stuff with poptarts. She nearly had a choking fit." She sipped her coffee.

"They were thinking you should serve there," Sif told her.

"I'd never leave Jane unless she had competent help," Darcy said, shifting to curl up some. "It'd mean she'd starve, Sif."

"Point. I had not considered that. Though many have asked me if Thor actually has a harem."

"Yeah, there's humans who think that any woman on the team is only there for sexual needs," Darcy agreed. "Even though Natasha could easily kill us all and is the most scary Avenger. They think she's stress relief and she's proven them wrong but some people are too stupid to teach differently. They think all women should just bear babies. Then don't want those necessary medical things covered by insurance but their viagra is a necessary medical expense."

"I've seen a few of those senators," Coulson agreed. "They're not usually holding the greatest respect for the team anyway." He looked at Thor. "If you want to work up an embassy down here, I can arrange it."

"I don't feel it's necessary," Thor said, looking at his friends then at Coulson again. "It's not really something we need or enjoy handling. If we must do diplomatic things I shall but not enjoy it."

"That's fine. Just let me know. Even if SHIELD may have a new head someday soon." He smiled slightly. "Miss Lewis, Nick Fury locked your educational aspirations away in a way that means that we cannot get them free. Even if we changed them to a new name for you." She stared at him. "Looking at his private files, he thought you may be a dangerous ace in his hole some day with your brother."

"I'd never go against my brother."

"He thought your brother was a dangerous fruitcake. Even after finding out what he had done in Africa. He asked and knew more than we thought. Getting it solved may take a bit longer than I had hoped with the way he has judicial orders. You were supposed to be taken into protective custody but he let you run free to see what sort of chaos bringer you were."

"And yet, I bring more order than chaos. Is he still kicking around so I can taze him?"

"No comment." He stared at her. "I've asked some administrative people in the government to fix whatever he's done to your credits, at both schools." She smiled slightly. "It may take a good bit though. I have gotten a continuance on that lawsuit against Hill based on someone looking into it. That way you can still sue us if we can't remove it. That way there's a legal recognition of those, and that may be what it takes to get around those orders."

"That's why I did it."

"That's reasonable. I'll fill Hill in so she can try to unravel her part in that. Though someone will ask why you think you were so important during the falling in of SHIELD."

"She started to undo it once but Fury stopped her. And she did unravel a lot of her other knots at that time. Someone found the paperwork in the ruins of her office." Coulson stared at her. She grinned. "It's in the legal paperwork that got filed. Steve found it when he was helping clear it of asset files. It was in my SHIELD file. She had signed it but Fury denied it."

"Crap. I was not aware of that."

"There was a nice post it in the folder that said I'd be an asset."

"I did not know that at all, Miss Lewis. I'll see what I can do."

"That's all I wanted."

"Thank you for trying to be understanding and not siccing your brother on us."

"Oh, no, Coulson. If I have to ask my brother for that sort of favor I'll go to some of his fuck buddies and ask them myself. They might be fun in bed, and I could use a bit of bad boy in my life sometimes." He walked off shivering. She grinned at the staring Asgadians. "What? My brother dates bad boys and girls. At least he said they know what to do with their dicks." She sipped her coffee.

"You do need to take your fun and pleasure with someone decent," Thor told her.

"Not like I find any of those, Thor. Or don't you remember Ian?"

"I do. Unfortunately. He was not good enough for you."

She shrugged. "I can only flirt with the ones that want me, Thor."

"I would offer but I'd never be for more than playing times," Fandral quipped.

She smirked at him. "Fandral, baby, I remember watching you eat beans." He blushed but laughed and ducked his head.

"That was a very loud dinner," Hogun agreed.

"And smelly," Sif added. Fandral made a pouty noise but she ignored it. Jane wandered past them eating a poptart. "Thor, you should get her real nutrients. It can't be good for your future child to only eat poptarts."

"I made Jane eat a sandwich for lunch. It had chicken," Darcy told her. "She's going to hate it because pregnant women aren't supposed to have too much caffeine either." Jane stared at her, eyes wide. She grinned. "Like at all, Jane. I've been slowly cutting you down by mixing yours half and half decaf."

"I thought it tasted funny." She frowned. "At all?"

"At all according to the baby sites I've looked at. You need to ask your GP if you can have any and what an acceptable amount is."

"Damn." She walked off pouting. The infirmary had doctors. She stared at one. "If I get pregnant with Thor's child, can I not keep drinking coffee?"

"No. You're supposed to cut all caffeine out almost immediately, Doctor Foster. Should we set you up to talk to an OB?"

"Maybe soon. Thanks." She walked off frowning. "Science takes caffeine," she said when she ran into Pepper in the elevator. "Pregnancy forbids it. I'm not going to get anything done."

"We can find you a quiet, discreet OB," Pepper assured her, patting her on the arm. "They can help you with all that stuff, Jane."

"Please. The infirmary doc I just talked to look too happy at the thought of baby Thors."

"They'd have to be cute, but probably really big." Jane snickered, nodding. "I'll find you one tomorrow. Need anything else?"

"More caffeine instead of less. Darcy was mixing mine half and half with decaf pseudo-coffee."

"We can figure that out once you have an OB." They got off on the living floor together. "Darcy, what did Coulson want?"

"About the Asgardian embassy someone wants to set up and about how badly Fury screwed up my education stuff."

Jane looked at Darcy's cup then at her. "If I can't have it you probably can't in case we mix up cups."

She smiled. "I'm sure we can figure it out, Jane, and I've been drinking the same mix you are."

"Fine." She sat down on Thor's lap to get held. This pregnancy was making her pouty already. He was more than happy to cuddle her.

***

Xander showed up a week later handing his sister a newspaper on his way past her. Darcy read the headline about 'half alien babies' and groaned. She scanned it for the source. She went to Hill's office, getting scowled at. She handed over the newspaper. "From Xander."

She read the headline, wincing. "That's going to be bad."

"Yeah, especially if they attack Jane for it," Darcy said.

"They shouldn't."

"Yet the last two paragraphs are about how to stop this alien invasion."

"There's a few half asgardians already down here."

"And yet they haven't wanted to kill them yet. They want to cut the baby out of Jane and kill it in front of her then her in front of Thor before they experiment on him."

"This isn't a reliable news source."

"Yeah it's a venting place," Darcy agreed. "Believed by a lot of right wing nutjobs who would be the sort to attack Jane."

"We have special precautions already set up, Lewis. Let us worry about that."

"And yet, their picture wasn't Jane." Hill looked and moaned. It was a picture of Darcy. "So yeah, bit worried, Hill. Especially since the source they cited was inside SHIELD." She pointed. "Third paragraph."

Hill reread it and grimaced. "I'll send this on so he can fire them in a way that won't let them leak any more information."

"Thanks." She walked off to go talk to Jane and the Asgardians. "We may be out of hiding time," she said as she waked into the kitchen. Jane and Sif both stared up at her from their breakfast Clint was cooking. "One of the right wing nutjob papers got info from someone at SHIELD about the future baby Thor and they're not happy."

Jane grimaced, stuffing her mouth with eggs. Sif huffed. "Can they do much?"

"Beyond things we'll have to guard her against?" Clint said. "Probably not. Though there's some dangers there. Science conference. Other planned outings."

"Jane doesn't usually put out a public schedule of appearances but she's speaking at that one," Darcy said.

"Which is something we can handle for her," Clint said. "Hill know?"

"Yeah, Xander walked past me and handed off the newspaper."

"Great." He finished up the rest of the food and handed Darcy a plate, getting a smile and a kiss on the cheek for it. "That's a great payment," he teased.

"I'd give you more but it'd make people jealous. The same sort think that you're for rent." She sat down to eat.

Clint shook his head. "Not at the moment. Could use a regular job again but not really." He sat down with his food and dug in. Tony walked in reading that paper. Clint noticed the picture on the front and looked at Darcy, who nodded she had seen it. "I'll get with Hill about the security protocols for the speech, Jane and Darcy. You may need more than just you two and a security guard." He stuffed his mouth again.

"Bruce is going too," Stark said as he sat down. "Lewis, don't let her anti-caffeine needs infect the rest of the floor."

"I'm not, Stark. It's being mixed half and half so she doesn't go into withdrawal."

"That's better but I don't want to break my own caffeine habit that way."

Jane glared at him. "Don't make me ask Thor if you can get pregnant, Tony. I've heard stories of chaos magic being able to do that."

"Rosenburg did a few times," Darcy quipped. "Mostly to animals to try it out before she did it to Xander."

Stark looked at her. "Why would she?"

"She didn't want to kill him to get a niece or a nephew she could fuss over when she wanted to." She gave him a pointed look. "It was Rosenburg, Tony."

"Point. If there's a sign against magic, it's her." He got coffee and sniffed it then drank some. "Normal, thanks, Barton."

"I need caffeine too," he said dryly. "We just have to keep it away from Jane."

"And Darcy so I don't get mixed up," Jane complained.

"That's why I've been mixing it so we both don't go into withdrawal," Darcy reminded her. Jane nodded and finished her breakfast. She noticed Jane nodding off. "Why don't you go take a cat nap and I'll go do all the mail stuff." Jane nodded, going to do that. Darcy looked at Sif. "Is that normal?" she asked quietly.

"I've never been in close company with a pregnant woman," she said quietly. "We can ask a healer."

"Pepper said she'd find her a doctor," Tony said. "Hopefully soon to make sure she and the baby are healthy."

"I'd ask some online friends who have kids but it might spill the secret," Darcy said. "Though with that picture in the paper...." She sipped her coffee with a frown. "Why would they think I'm Jane?"

"They don't. They think that you're their surrogate because Jane can't carry or doesn't want to because it'd impact her career," Tony said, looking at her. "It was buried in the article."

"Oh, great. Sure." She nodded. "Still wrong." She went back to her breakfast. "So what're we doing today?"

"You're probably going to let Jane catnap," Tony said. "And probably do lab things for her."

"I'll see if we can send some of it to her room so she can rest," Darcy decided. "Not that I think she needs bed rest but I guess it's tiring using your uterus for the first time."

"You could find out," Stark quipped.

"Not likely. At least for a few years yet."

"Fine. Just saying."

"Uh-huh. I'd have to have a steady guy unless I majorly screw up one night in the clubs, Stark."

"If you're sure." He grinned at her. "Sometime Jane will need an assistant for her kid."

"With her luck, the kid will hate science, just like your future one to take over the Stark empire will."

"Don't remind me." He went back to the paper, though he wasn't sure he was that generous to call this paper a real newspaper. "I really need to start watching what they put out since it has me being a communist sympathizer."

"I thought that was our president," Darcy shot back. "I didn't know you ran for president, Stark."

"I haven't. Thankfully. I'd hate myself." He flipped the page and went on, handing it to Clint, then pointing. He read it and grimaced, stuffing his mouth before he could say anything. "You tell her, I'm not," Stark told him. Clint shook his head slowly. "C'mon."

Darcy took it to look at, finding that gossip tidbit. "Hey, Natasha," she called. "The same paper that thinks I'm pregnant by Thor to be their surrogate thinks that you're going to announce that you're having a mutant Bruce baby." Natasha came in to read over her shoulder, then snorted, heading for the coffee maker. "They think Tony's a communist sympathizer and you brought him over too."

Natasha looked at her. "They need their minds rearranged."

"Don't tempt me go to go flirt with some of my brother's friends," Darcy quipped, grinning at her. Natasha shivered.

Tony took the paper back, going back to the article on him. "They did look back and see when you were undercover as Pep's assistant, Natasha. They think your Soviet masters sent you and you compromised me then."

Natasha shook her head. "That would require sleeping with you. It would never happen." She took the paper to look through, pausing at the picture on the front and looking at Darcy. "She knows?"

"That they think she's pregnant. I didn't want to worry her, Natasha."

"That's reasonable." She went back to it, grimacing at most of the paper. Especially about the picture of her in her uniform that made her look a bit chunky. "Apparently these sort have never heard of water bloating."

Bruce Banner walked in frowning. "I heard her yelling about us, Natasha?" She showed him that article. He huffed. "We really have to do something about them."

"Freedom of the press, and I use that term loosely," Darcy said, smiling up at him. "It's a slippery slope if you do more than sue them for libel, Bruce."

"Point. I could do that." He made some toast and sat down with it. "No Jane yet?"

"Went back to bed," Darcy said with a grin. "It's hard using your uterus for the first time."

"I guess it would be," he agreed. "We need to find her a good OB."

"Pepper's looking," Tony assured him.

"She said the doctor in the infirmary she asked about caffeine last night looked a bit too gleeful at the thought of a baby Thor," Darcy said.

"They would," Bruce agreed, nodding some. "Most of our doctors do private research on the side."

"There's already half-Asgardians down here," Natasha reminded them.

"Xander said that they're annoying," Tony quipped.

"Sif said she'd talk to them," Natasha said, looking at her. She nodded she was going to.

"I'll have Xander get you a map," Darcy said, sending a text to him. He sent one back almost immediately. "Um, Stark, he said that Brooklyn is being overtaken by robotic giant mice. Who are carrying little robotic wasps that are paralyzing people." He groaned, calling up a virtual screen to do a news search. The Avengers all finished their food on their way to get dressed and wake up the few that weren't in there. The Asgardians followed. "Have fun storming Brooklyn," she called after them with a wave. "Don't destroy the good restaurants please." Tony snorted but looked amused at least.

***

Jane looked at Darcy that afternoon. "I saw that they got us mixed up."

"They think I'm your surrogate since you wouldn't want to put your career aside for a bit to be a mom." She looked at her. "Not that unusual and they can tell I'm not pregnant, Jane. Especially if I wear showy stuff for the next few weeks."

"True. Are you okay with that?"

"No but I'm not mad at them for it. They're dumbasses. They clearly don't know any better. They think my hips and boobs mean that I must be pregnant because I'm not a toothpick."

"Point. Do you think I'll have to keep sleeping?"

"I think your body's going to promote and push what it needs for the baby over what you want," she said. "I asked a few online friends and they said they got all nappy later but you don't eat a regular diet, you work a lot of hours, and you never sleep."

"Good point. I need to probably fix some of that."

"Some of your math stuff you can do in bed," Darcy said. "While Thor's cuddling even if you wanted."

"True. I don't want to bring work to bed though."

"So bring it with you to meals."

"Also a good point. I'm going to have to start eating on a schedule." She looked at Darcy. "You had me on one in London."

"Yeah, and I have you on a looser one right now because I'm not sure when morning sickness is going to strike again. Do a lot more good-for-you nibbling and it'd probably help. I can get you veggies to keep in our mini fridge. Once I clean the mold creatures out of it."

"I could like that. Thanks, Darcy." Darcy grinned, pulling the trash can over to get started on that. It stunk a lot so Jane went to the bathroom for a bit. By the time she came back, it was cleaned up and Darcy was spraying air freshener. "That helps. Did we always use that scent?"

"No. A new limited edition febreeze I picked up." She let her see the can. "Not flowery."

"Cranberries are nice." She got back to work. Darcy got her some cut-up fruits to nibble on from the tower cafeteria. That helped too. Her body apparently needed vitamins. She noticed the pill too and looked at her. "What's that?"

"Over the counter prenatal vitamin." She grinned. "They supposedly taste like vanilla."

"Hmm." She took it though. Darcy would nag. Thor would nag when he heard Darcy nagging. She did feel good though so maybe it'd help. "More fruit?" Darcy dished her up some more fruit and let her have the plate back. That made her feel a lot better.

***

Darcy knocked on a bathroom door that evening, walking in at the irritated grunt. "Would Jane need anything beyond normal vitamins for a pregnancy?"

"How would I know?" Loki demanded.

"Because you've had a few?" He shook his head. She showed him the articles claiming to have Loki's kids. "Yeah, two have Asgardian DNA."

"They're not mine. My tastes don't run to anyone who would go to the press if I slept with them," he said blandly, staring up at her. She grinned. "Though I would think that whatever you humans do would be good enough."

"Are there specific prenatal vitamins on Asgard?"

"Not that I've ever heard of but I wouldn't know. I don't know anyone who has children outside of a few of the female helpers my mother used to have."

"Okay, then let's move on. When she has the baby, is it going to rip her apart by being abnormally sized? Women only dilate to ten centimeters during labor. If we need to plan for a C-section we might have to prep someone other than her OB."

Loki blinked. "Thor's tall but I don't think he came out abnormally sized. How big are your children?"

"Generally about seven pounds and about twenty-one inches long or so."

"Then the child may be larger, but not abnormally so."

"Okay, so probably not worse than the lady in South America who had the fifteen pound baby the natural way. So Jane might just need drugs."

"You need some as well," he assured her.

She grinned. "Yeah but I've got to plan ahead for things."

"Are women normally drugged during birthing?"

"Pain killers and we have drugs to speed up labor if it's not going fast enough." He blinked a few times. "I've only seen videos online and on tv shows. Is the baby going to be able to sleep in a regular crib or do you guys like jump up and start running and playing the day you're born? So I know if I need to find her a really sturdy crib."

"We're not that far off what your people do I'd assume. Sturdy might be best in case Thor leans on it and breaks it. He did his own from what I heard. It was being leant to one of my mother's helpers for her newest spawn and he leaned on it to coo at the baby."

"Okay, so sturdy crib. Sure. Are there things like godparents on Asgard that she'll have to do a ceremony for? Or a blessing ceremony like our baptism?"

He considered that. "We have something like godparents and I would assume his friends would be given that honor."

"So ceremony?"

"Small one, mostly done privately to welcome the child."

"Cool. We can handle that. Jane can sit through that and I'm sure if she's having him baptized they can join in there too." She made that note on her phone. "Anything that's traditional to have in the birthing room like drummers, older women nagging you about not whining about the pain? Anything like that?" He looked confused. "My brother told me about the few he saw while he was in Africa. They usually delivered at home with older village women and family members nagging you. One had drummers for her to soothe herself with or breathe to or something."

"As far as I know we deliver with the healers in attendance. At home or not."

"Okay, we can arrange that. We're not sure about the infirmary or what right now." She made that note. "If something happens to Jane during the birth, will we need someone to restrain Thor?" She stared at him.

"I can almost guarantee that. Until you hand him his child. I would assume most fathers would."

"Most fathers would fall apart."

"Thor would probably as well but the child would bring him back from the edge." He frowned. "That is an interesting thought, especially with a threat against them both."

"No, someone decided I'm the pregnant one for them. Being a surrogate."

"A surrogate born child wouldn't be more than an adopted one, even if it had the parents' genetics," he said. "It'd be considered a secondary heir once a true one came out. If she was not capable they would demand that he marry a war-spouse who could bear one or they'd have an open secret that the second child was born from Jane's loins when it wasn't."

"Good to know." She made that note. "Is there anything I have to do to prep Jane before the big event? Beyond keeping her healthy and all that?"

"I have no idea but I would prepare her for a marriage," he said. "Otherwise the child could not sit on the throne. It would not be considered of his lineage even if they married afterward. Many non-lineage children were born that way and discluded from thrones." She nodded, making that note. "Thor would know of such if you asked him."

"He's worrying over Jane. I don't want to bother him with things I need to plan for." She looked at him. "Any colors that we should be aware of to stay away from? Like culturally speaking?"

"The child would probably be presented in gold as the heir's heir."

"Okay. So nothing like red means happiness?"

"No." He grinned. "I would stray away from pink however. In the long distant past, our evil ones wore pink."

"I can do that and Jane hates pink." She made that note on her phone. "Okay, any others? Or colors for the nursery? Any good themes like animals or sea creatures? Stars? Grateful dead bears?"

"I have no idea what the last are," he admitted. He wouldn't admit he was amused by all this but he could see why his adopted-brother's fiancee relied on this one. She pulled up a picture for him. He shivered. "I have had nightmares with creatures like that. Do you really decorate the nursery?" She showed him pictures of some 'hip' nurseries. "Oh, dear. That's frilly."

"I really liked this one," she said, opening that picture. "I was going to show it to Jane later." She let him see it.

"That's bright. Very colorful." He tipped his head to the side then nodded. "If Thor wouldn't mind I would suppose it wouldn't insult anyone. Heimdall might be amused at all the rainbow things." She smiled. "You do give me such headaches."

She grinned. "You're welcome." She pulled up her list again. "Okay, one last question. If we do a blessing, are we going to be releasing you to attend as his brother?"

Loki blinked at her. "I would not be welcome."

"Thor still proclaims you his brother."

"The others...."

She shrugged. "You have a few months, Loki. Humans carry for nine months so you have at least six months left to make any talking at them that you wish to."

"I'll think on that," he said dryly.

She nodded. "Okay. Let me know if you think of anything I have to plan for. Thank you for your time." She left. She heard him muttering and thumping his head on the shower stall wall, grinning as she went up to the living room. She found Sif up there watching the news. "Sif, I talked with Loki about some plans that need to be made sometime soon. Can I go over the same questions with you?"

"I know aught about pregnancy, Darcy."

"Do you know if Jane's going to have a problem because you guys come out larger than the average human?"

Sif blinked a few times, then frowned. "Thor is rather large but I have no idea. How big do you come out?"

"About seven pounds and on average about twenty-one inches long."

"I think his child would probably be larger but I have no idea how much." She took the phone to look over the list. She added a few notes. "It's up to us to arrange the blessing ceremony for the baby and if she wants a baptism as you noted, then you could help arrange that."

"That's a religious thing," Darcy told her. "You bring the baby before the minister of your choice and they anoint them. I'm not sure if Jane would want one or not."

"I have no idea either. Hmm. Nursery?" Darcy showed her those same pictures. "Those are...truly decorated."

"I really liked this one. They say babies react and learn a lot from bright colors and shapes." She showed her that one. "Loki thought Heimdall would be amused but it's bright and airy."

"It is very bright and cheery." She handed the phone back. "I would think a bit less cheery for a boy child."

"Would something like an animal theme or sea creatures or stars be more appropriate?"

"I do not know," she admitted, considering it. "I have not heard of anything like your nurseries. Ours was just a room with good airflow and the like. Nothing that decorated."

"We have stick-on decals that have animals or stars or most any theme so you don't have to paint them on. Easily moved if the kid needs us to."

"That would be interesting. We can ask Jane Foster and Thor later. When she's over her napping."

Darcy grinned. "I've been feeding her fruit. She said it made the nausea feel better."

"That's good then."

"I also gave her a prenatal vitamin."

"What are those?"

"Vitamins for pregnant people that have the extra stuff they'd need to support the baby." She looked up the brand she used to show her the ingredient list. "It has those."

"I didn't know that pregnant women had to take extra vitamins. Interesting." She handed the phone back again. "If we ask it may bother the secret of their union."

"Okay. So last point. Loki said that if they're not married by the time the baby comes it'll cause huge amounts of problems?"

She nodded. "Quite. I had not thought on that. Are there many ways of doing such?"

"Everything from a quick thing at the city hall or Vegas to an elaborate one that hundreds of people attend and celebrate with you. Those usually take some time to plan though."

"Going to ...city hall would probably cause some talk. Vegas?" Darcy nodded. "Is that doable?"

"The only hitch I know of is the whole alien thing. They'd usually ask for a birth certificate from Thor." Sif grimaced. "I'd have to see if they would have a hissy fit about Thor not being human."

"Hmm." Sif nodded. "Some humans can be that petty. Having it on Asgard would solve that but would endanger Jane Foster and the child."

"Maybe we can get a forged certificate for him. We need one to get him a proper ID too. Just in case. They can arrest him without one." She made that note to herself on her phone. She looked up. "I'll see if it's advisable to get you four an identity card as well, just in case you're ever stopped by an officer or an agent." Sif nodded, looking amused. "Some of them aren't that nice, Sif."

"I have seen that on your news, Darcy."

"Okay. You know me, I worry about things. So let me worry about that." She nodded. "I'll talk with Jane tomorrow to see what she has ideas on then get back with you about anything you need to help you plan the blessing?"

"That's fine." Darcy grinned before heading to her rooms for the night. Sif sighed, leaning back in her chair. That girl had too much energy.

***

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