Bucky looked up from lifting weights, spotting Xander staring at him. "Huge problem?"
"Two," Xander admitted, walking in. "But neither one are yours. Which is shocking considering I stopped someone like you were made into trying to get Dawn again."
"He killed those."
"Self healing talent would heal gunshot wounds, Bucky." He stared at him. "I have no idea about any of them but three of them have went for Dawn." Bucky winced but nodded. "But the good news is I stopped the guys trying to stop them. He's in the trunk of my rental car. And I managed to destroy the demon that was going to stop SHIELD. I'd tell Hill but she's off getting her monthly flea dip bath."
"You really don't like her," he said sarcastically.
"Hell no. That woman looked at me after a battle I had just won and told me off for daring to win the battle that saved her and her agents' asses. So I'm pretty sure something will fuck her sometime but I'll have to find the thing with standards set on her level to suggest it."
Bucky winced. "That wasn't in any report."
"Yeah, she probably didn't report that in because it'd look bad that three of her agents touched something that clearly had 'don't touch that' written on it in english and five other languages. They had to break into a museum to do it. So no, I don't really care and it's great she's found another job but I'm going to make sure she doesn't warp my sister. So do you want the guy in the trunk?"
"Please." He got up and followed Xander down there. The guy had gotten free but was only a block away so they managed to recapture him since he was really weak and sore from the beating he took. An officer got in their way. "He was trying to take out agents," Barnes said. "We're taking him to someone to turn in." The officer got out of their way since they were nearly in the door of the tower.
Xander blew a kiss back at the officer. "Have a fun night, not-quite-HYDRA guy. What is the name of the group you belong to?"
"NYPD," he growled.
"Not that one. The one that marked you." He pointed at the tattoo. The officer glared and tried to hit him but Xander sidestepped. "Huh. I'll have to look them up. Thanks. Have a better night."
"I can arrest you."
"I can disappear before you even pull your cuffs, boy." He hiked in after Bucky, getting into the elevator. "That mark on his arm, inside the tattoo of the shield and sword, goes back to a pseudo-knight group out of Europe that was preaching purity is power and power is always right."
"Great."
"Yeah, but they fought against the Nazi disease because they weren't their sort of pure. Their sort of pure are supposedly knights who took out mystical menaces to kill them all. It was like a witch hunter's guild but more dumb." They walked the guy off the elevator and to the gym Bucky had been using. There was a changing area they could talk to him in. Hill stomped in and Xander walked off shaking his head. "I caught him trying to take out two of the new SHIELD's agents but only Skye saw me take him down," he reported. "Though I did keep the nice rocket launching system. It's nicely compact so I can use it later."
"I'm not the agent that's concerned about your weapons, Harris." She looked at him. "They're not in the US right now." She walked that agent off. "Did you insult the anti-magic purist out there in the NYPD?"
"Yup, sure did."
"Good. Be careful of them. They're recruiting."
"Good, they can go date the slayers," he said dryly, heading off.
"Darcy's got a date tonight," Bucky called after Xander.
"Not going for hers. Going to hit the potty then going to find a date of my own, Barnes."
"Sure, have fun with that." He went back to his workout. Those two were so confusing at times.
Xander walked into the bathroom and paused at the sight of Loki sitting there scowling but shrugged and unzipped his pants. "If it bothers you to watch me pee, turn around." He peed then washed his hands and left, relocking the door after himself. He had seen weirder things than a chaos god being locked in a bathroom. In there, Loki was growling but oh well. He growled better than any god thanks to the hyena and needing a sex date. He *really* could use laid right about now. He ran into Thor and nodded. "I brought in someone evil for them to deal with." He walked around him. "Your brother's growling because I totally ignored him and didn't flirt with him when I went to pee."
Thor groaned, going to check on his brother, who still had supplies. The AI assured him of it when he knocked on the door. He looked up then opened the door to look at his brother. "I will find if they have a better cell for you, Loki." He shut the door, going to talk to Stark and Hill. "My brother still resides in the toilets," he noted as he walked into Stark's office, where he was talking with Hill.
She grimaced. "Can we send him back to Asgard?"
"They sent him here to help with things."
"If I had a god-proof and alien-proof cell I'd let him have it instead," Stark quipped, staring at him. "At least the bathroom's humane, even if it's not exactly ideal. He's got water, facilities, we beam in food. He can nap in there and he's got a sleeping bag. He's even got a pillow and some limited chocolates because Lewis felt sorry for him still being in there. We don't have anywhere else to put him and you don't want someone like SHIELD to get him because he'd disappear, Thor."
"Can we work on finding him a better spot to be incarcerated in?" Thor asked.
"I've been working on a plan for isolation cells in the basement," Maria Hill told him, straightening up a bit more. "In case someone loses it or we need it for a highly powerful prisoner." Thor nodded at that. "It'll take at least another week to finish setting up."
"I suppose that's reasonable as his current location isn't inhumane, just humiliating."
"It's that or a closet," Stark said.
"True." He went to talk to his brother again. Not that his brother would listen to him at the moment but at least he was trying to mend the rift between them.
***
Xander was having a day off, feet kicked up on his motel room bed, icing a few injuries that were bothering him, when his phone rang. He looked at it, not recognizing the number. He still answered it because a lot of people he knew didn't keep a standard number. "Yeah?" he answered. He listened, sitting up slowly. "Is she okay, Jane?" He scowled. "Who in the hell.... oh, charming! Yeah, I can be up there tomorrow.
"Actually I'm in Oregon right now. No, actually, had to help one of the slayers with something and she's not a nagging sort so I volunteered when she begged. Yeah, I can be there tomorrow. Thanks for letting me know." He hung up and got up with a groan, tossing the bag of ice into the sink to melt while he packed his two bags again. He opened the motel room door, finding an agent standing there. "My sister's in the hospital thanks to a bad date. You're in my way," he said bluntly, staring at the agent.
"We really need to talk to you, Mr. Harris."
"Then I'd book a seat next to me on the plane," he quipped.
"We can keep you from flying out."
Xander stared at him. "My sister is in the hospital," he repeated. "There's nothing you can do short of killing me that will keep me from going to baby her." He stared the guy down until the agent took a step back. Then he smirked a tiny bit. "My sister works in New York, with a scientist. Thankfully it wasn't science that got her injured. You have about three seconds to say your peace then I'm going." He checked his watch then looked at the silent agent.
"You're not Council now, Mr. Harris."
Xander grinned. "You're right and I'm about to start an evil empire. Why would that matter to you?"
"We think you're causing problems in the US and the rest of the world."
Xander stared at him then shook his head. "Dude, don't make me knock you out."
"We can arrest you for that now," he said smugly.
"Sure, you go right ahead. I can start my evil empire right now by calling in a poker debt." The agent shuddered. "You have a great day." He walked around him to the office, handing in his key and taking the receipt so he could go home. Giles would probably reimburse him for helping this time. If not, well, he'd find a way to reimburse himself. He made it to the airport in time to catch a flight to New York City that would get him there early in the morning. Another agent was there waiting on him, looking smug. Xander stared at him.
"My sister is in the hospital," he told the agent. "Annoying me means that I'll call down a poker debt." The agent stepped back, shaking his head. "Good. Much smarter than the one that tried to pounce me at the motel. Thank you!" He went to the gate, getting on the plate really fast. He settled in and sighed in relief. He was starting to hate the US. He saw the air marshal on the flight staring at him so he grinned. "Hi." The man slumped down. "Maybe I'll find a portal maker instead," he muttered as he buckled up. The plane's doorway was shut and he relaxed. He didn't like to fly but it was rather necessary right now. The person next to him was giving him odd looks. He stared back. "What?"
"Portals?" he sneered. "Are you one of those freaks?"
"No, I'm formerly Council," he shot back. "The guy who went to train the slayers." He grinned. "Portals are reasonable sometimes but expensive." The guy shrank away from him, shuddering. Xander tipped his head back and closed his eye, only opening it when he felt someone leaning over him. He stared up at the stewardess. "Hi. How're you?" he asked with a smile.
"Sir, is there some reason your seatmate wants to move?"
"I was muttering about next time it'd be faster if I found a portal to the east coast instead," he said dryly then grinned again. "Apparently he hates that I used to be Council."
"Ah. Are you going to give us problems?"
"No. I never do. I've flown many times, ma'am." She smiled and patted him on the head then went to tell the other stewardesses. Then the plane's door opened. His seatmate was sneering at him. Xander watched as two people came on but were seated and the door was closed again. They taxied out and the pilot was giving them information. His seatmate huffed but oh well. Some people were haters. He hadn't saved humanity to protect people like that guy. Once they got into the air, he pulled out a book to read and his mp3 player to listen to. The stewardess came back to stare at him. "No internet, just music," he quipped, staring up at her.
"That's fine, sir. You're allowed to use those." She walked off to check others. The few crying kids were starting to fuss but that was about normal for any flight. His seatmate was still grumbling about him but that was his problem, not Xander's. Xander was calm, collected, and ready to deal with things once he got off the plane. Because the guy who had hurt his sister was a dead dude when he found him. If Bucky hadn't handled it for him already.
His seatmate huffed and got ignored some more, making him get more and more huffy until he decided to start ranting about demon things at the top of his lungs. Xander looked at the stewardess, who was scowling at him. "Can I knock him out?" he asked. "Before he has a heart attack from his blood pressure? Or before I shove my book down his throat?"
The stewardess came back. "Sir, you're causing a disturbance," she complained. "You need to calm down and stop it before we have to land the plane to have you removed."
"You have to remove that one," he shouted, pointing at Xander. "He's evil!"
Xander looked at him. "No, I've fought evil a few times but I'm only evil when I haven't slept in a few days," he shot back. The guy tried to hit him but Xander grabbed his wrist and squeezed. The angle was bad but the guy was moaning in pain. He looked at the stewardess then at the air marshal. "Can I do something to him for you?"
"No. We can move him," she decided, looking at the plane. She put him back by the screaming kids. Xander smiled and got comfortable, letting his legs spread more since he now had both seats to himself. She watched over him but he was a nice passenger who didn't cause her more problems than asking for a whole can of soda to himself.
***
Xander walked into Darcy's hospital room, staring at her. "You would not *believe* the idiot I almost beat the living fuck out of on the plane," he said dryly. "And they blamed me for him having religious conniptions." She snorted but looked amused. He leaned down to kiss her bruised forehead. "Can I kill whoever did this?"
She shook her head. "He's arrested," she mumbled. "Not HYDRA but same idea."
Xander grimaced. "I have got to start my evil empire sooner." He sat on the side of her bed. "So, Sis, how long before you make me quit hovering as you get driven home?"
She grimaced. "Two days."
"Okay. I can guard you and nag you and talk you into going gay for the next few days. I'm actually free for a few weeks." He grinned. She bopped him on the thigh but was looking amused. The nurse came in to check her over. "She's my sister," he said at the glaring.
"You're on her bed, sir."
"Yes, she's my sister," he repeated. "I was going to give her a hug after I figured out how sore she was. Don't you hug your siblings if you have some?" he asked at the glare he was getting.
"No, I don't."
"Oh, sorry to hear that." She glared. He grinned. "She's going to be just fine and if the idiot who did this to my sister shows up I'll let you call someone to pull me off him."
She stomped off and a new nurse came in. "Sir, who're you?" that nurse asked.
"Like I told Miss Huffy Nurse, I'm her little brother." He grinned. "She said she doesn't believe in hugging siblings."
"That explains why you're on her bed."
"Not like I'm going to molest my sister. I'm not into girls who I'm related to and Darcy's way too nice to like me that way. She doesn't like weapons at all." The nurse flinched, shaking her head. She hurried off. He looked at her. "Are you on the prison ward?" She shook her head. "SHIELD agents?" She nodded. "That figures. Most of them are head fucked." Stark strolled in. "Hey. Did the nurses freak out more about me possibly hugging her?"
"Yeah," Stark said with a grin. "They are."
Xander frowned, leaning forward to pluck something off Stark's collar. He was suddenly someone else. "Why hi, HYDRA guy," he said with a smile. "Get away from my sister."
"You're not Council now."
"True. Doesn't mean someone's rescinded my permission to handle things yet." He grinned. "Get away from my sister before I have to rescue her and destroy you. Because I'm the highest overprotective boob over my sister. Even more so than I am over Dawn."
"What're you going to do if you have to make a choice," the agent said smugly. "We have her to talk to as well."
Xander looked at Darcy, who shrugged. She waved her fingers at him. He kissed her on the temple again then pulled out something to draw on her neck. Then he turned and shoved the sharpie into the guy's eye suddenly, making him scream. "I think I'll turn into the same guy that had to take out multiple militias in Africa, mother fucker." A guard came in. "He just threatened my sister. Pity." He pulled out his phone to turn on. A message from Giles. He read it, nodding. "Interesting." He looked at the guard. "By the way, this guy is HYDRA. Has been since he was born from a HDYRA mommy and daddy." The guy was holding his face as he rolled around on the floor.
Xander considered it then called Giles back. "Hey, Buffy. It's me. Is Dawn okay?" He listened. "No, a HYDRA agent just told me they have her. Yeah, I can do that. Not a problem, Buffy. Thanks." He hung up and grinned. "You just made Buffy pissed off. That's really not a great idea." He made another call. "It's Xander. Hand the phone over please." A pause. "Hey, John. Yeah, I'm here in Darcy's hospital room and there's a HYDRA agent who just asked me who I was going to choose between her and Dawn. Can I get a minion to watch Darcy for me? Because she's healing and Dawn needs rescued, John. Yeah, that stuff is going to go bad. Thanks, man."
He hung up and grinned at his sister. "He promised it'll even be someone you can flirt with. He hires a lot of former agents." She rolled her eyes. "It'll be okay." He plucked his sharpie off the floor, tucking it back into his bag once it was capped. "Dude, I didn't scream like that when the minion of evil popped my eyeball. You whine more than teenage slayers with their first periods. Seriously, real men don't whine that way." Darcy was giggling. Thor and Jane stomped in. "Hey, guys. Darcy's getting a nice bodyguard while I go find Dawn. Apparently this HYDRA guy thinks they have her."
Thor swallowed. "I wish you a successful raid, Xander. We will of course watch over Lady Darcy for you."
Xander kissed Darcy on the head again then looked at him, grinning some. Thor shivered. "I've got a friend sending a minion to guard her in case you have to run off to handle things. Or in case someone feels the need to make me stop kicking ass. Let me go rescue her before she destroys the world." He looked at Darcy, who shooed him off again. He strolled off calling a local poker contact he had made during his last trip. The guy didn't answer the phone so he went to the poker hall. They all stared at him. "HYDRA guy said he has Dawn hostage?" They all nodded. "Buffy's letting me handle it, people."
"Six slayers too," one of the demons squeaked.
Xander laughed. "Sure, I can handle that too."
"One's Kennedy."
Xander shrugged. "It'll be fine. She won't do more than complain that I saved her scrawny ass. Can I be sent there?"
"The sorcerer guy is going to rescue them," that same demon squeaked.
Xander leaned down to smirk at him. "Magic against HYDRA means that they can capture the power to use. An RPG missile going up their ass will stop that plot too. So can I go?" They nodded, sending him near there. Xander looked around, checking his phone to see where he was. "Germany! Typical." He hiked for the nearest building. He nearly tripped over the bunker and checked the necklace that had a sensing magic pendant on it. Yup, Dawn magic was in there. He went down there and pulled his machete. Pity about the HYDRA people. Really.
He ran into the sorcerer in a battle and cleared his throat. "He's ticklish," he called. "His whole right side is ticklish and so are his balls. Send an imp." The sorcerer shot him a glare but did send an imp at the guy, which he wasn't prepared for. The guy was trying to fight off the attacks so Xander shot him in the balls. The bad guy fell down with a scream. Xander smiled and wiggled his fingers. "You knew better than to go after Dawn, Patrick. You *so* knew better. Did you think I was going to be happy?"
He shot two more guards rushing their way. "No, I don't need ineffective minions like you guys. I need better ones when I start my evil empire." He walked over them, heading for the back areas. He got the door to the cell open and got out of the way with a point. "I made a slight mess," he told Dawn. "Slayers?" She pointed, going off to huff and be glowy as she destroyed things. "Save me any artifacts so I can sell them for traveling money," he called after her.
"Yeah, whatever," she shot back.
Xander snorted but went to let the slayers out, leaning into their cell. "C'mon. Before Buffy has to do more than huff and pretend she knows how to raid a base." They all stared at him. "Did they give you stupid candy?" he quipped. "You're keeping me away from my sister's side since she's in the hospital after a huge shithead of a date, ladies," he said less patiently. They rushed out to follow Dawn. He looked at Kennedy when she paused to stare at him. "What?"
"You rescued us."
"I rescued Dawn. I only heard you were here when I was already coming this way."
"How did you learn to do this?"
He smirked at her. "I learned on the job in Africa, Kennedy. Who do you think handled things down there when they went bad?" She shuddered but hiked off. He checked for more prisoners, handing the sorcerer guy the one he found as he walked back out. He took the bag from Dawn and got them back to the portal home. They came out in the demon bar and he waved. "Thanks, nice beings. They're not going to do it again." He hiked out, going back to the hospital. He got paused as he got out of the cab.
"Mr. Harris, she's been taken back to the tower," an agent said. "Lord Thor made sure she's safe for you. He nearly got scary when someone else showed up to try to talk to her."
"The guard I asked?"
"No, not him. He got there in time to go with her and he was telling her about his own sister." Xander smiled and nodded. "But she's safe. We would like a report on what you just did? Please?"
Xander grinned. "I took out the people who had Dawn hostage. I had a machete. One of them was even a bad time of night off."
"Okay, sure," the agent said with a nod and a smile back. "I hope your sister's all right, Mr. Harris."
"Thanks. Are you HYDRA too?"
"No!" He shook his head. "I'm SHIELD."
"Cool. That's fine. Thank you for passing on that message." He flagged down another cab and went to the tower. They were locked down but the security team stared at him oddly. "What? I saved Dawn already. Wasn't that hard actually. My sister's in the infirmary?"
"Yes, sir, but we're under lockdown," one of the guards said.
Xander grinned. "I can sneak up if it makes you feel better."
"Let him up," another guard called, hanging up the phone. "Miss Potts saw him come in and said he's allowed to go fuss at his sister. Mr. Harris, up to the sixty-third floor please."
"Thanks." He signed in and went up there, going to cuddle his sister. "Hey." He laid next to her to cuddle her since she was pouty looking.
She looked at him. "Dawn okay?"
"Yeah, she's good. Her and the few slayers that were captured. Even Kennedy."
"Hmm." She shifted to cuddle him. "You give good cuddles."
"Thanks."
She yawned and fell asleep on his shoulder, getting cuddled for now.
Thor leaned in and smiled. "Your bags are in the closet," he said as quietly as he could. "Her guarding minion is in the outer area in case they attack here." Xander nodded, smiling at him. "She'll be fine in a few days."
"Thanks, Thor."
"Welcome." He went back upstairs. "She is getting held while she sleeps."
"That's what family does," Jane told him, smiling at him. "They comfort you when you need them to." An alarm started but quickly got shut off. "Let me guess, someone tried to get to Darcy?" she asked Stark, who was shaking his head. "Really?"
"Accidental gun discharge from one of the guards in the lobby." Stark put his tablet down. "Cameras down there have them napping together." A slight fog started and a man walked out of it. "That's showy. I need to learn to do that so I can use it at the next Stark Expo."
Strange looked at him, looking less than amused. "You can learn magic if you so choose," he said. "Where is Harris?"
"In the infirmary with his sister, cuddling her," Jane said. "Problems?"
"He confiscated mystical artifacts to sell them."
"Not like anyone pays him," Stark said dryly. "Even when he was working his boss forgot about it more often than not."
Strange nodded. "That does not surprise me any. Or how the slayers he saved complained that they didn't know he could do such things. May I look at his artifact stash?"
"Infirmary," Stark said with a point at the elevator. "Sixty-third floor. Then left."
"Thank you." He went down there, coming off the elevator with a nod for the nurses. He found Darcy's room easily enough. He stared at her obvious injuries for a moment then nodded. He had seen worse as a surgeon; she'd survive them easily after a few pouty days. He found the bag of artifacts and opened it, moaning at the fact he couldn't see inside it. He had it cloaked and possibly expanded.
Xander blinked at him. "What?" he demanded quietly. "Another bad thing?"
"Checking the artifacts for anything too evil." He gave him a pointed look. "Before it becomes the item that takes out someone wanting to be evil for hubris."
"I enjoy it when they do that to themselves," Xander quipped. "Nothing was too evil."
Strange pulled out the first few artifacts, frowning. "Where did you get these?"
"I took them from the demon in Oregon. Slayer Bria begged for help."
Strange squeezed his eyes shut for a moment then sighed and looked at what else he could find in that bag. He finally looked over. "Who made this interesting device?"
"Dawn." He grinned.
"Interesting. It's like what I did to my closets that hold things." He put the artifacts back carefully then stood up. "I would like to check the others before you hold an auction."
"I have no idea what I'm doing about that. I might just keep them to help during huge battles. Nothing stops a field battle like a few desperate, hungry succuba."
"Really?" Strange demanded.
Xander smiled and nodded. "It worked three times in Africa."
Strange shook his head with a sigh. "I'll take your word for it. May I see them later this week?"
"I guess. If you must."
"Yes, I must." He felt magic and looked around. "What is that?"
"I think that's Darcy's Jane opening a new portal," Xander admitted.
"Let me go make sure it's not to the ethereal plane again." He walked off, going to check on that one. He had to pause when he found four smallish unicorn ponies that were complaining about how it was someone named Sorana's fault that the portal had went wrong. "Perhaps I can help with that?"
"Did you go to the university?" one of the talking unicorns asked him.
"No but I am the sorcerer supreme on this realm, ladies."
"I am a male," one sneered.
Stephen Strange gave him a dirty look. "Not like I looked to make sure. That would've been rude." The unicorn snorted but pouted at the others. "How did you manage to get here?" Then a thought hit him. "Dawn met your people," he said. They all stared at him, the colt's mouth falling open. "I have met Dawn a few times over artifacts she's found." He took the artifact they had used, looking it over. "This is not naturally used to make portals?" he asked them. They shook their heads. "Then we can see how it warped." He had a thought. "Stark, can you ask Xander if he has a portal device in his bag of artifacts?"
"JARVIS?" Stark asked.
"Yes," the AI said. "He said he has two but neither one would work for them. He called Dawn and she said she has an idea of how to do it since she told them to use that artifact instead of the one with the trapped being. She'll be here in about twenty minutes, Dr. Strange."
"Thank you," he said, glancing up with a slight smile. "You're more helpful than I had ever considered possible, JARVIS." He looked back as Xander came off the elevator with two artifacts that were making his hands itch. "Those are high magic," he said blandly.
Xander held one up with a grin so he could see the sigils on it. "We can *probably* warp it with Jane's machines but it might let her out." He held up the other device, which looked like a disc. "Or we have the temporal device."
"Put that away before you become the man in the police box," Strange ordered, scowling at him. Xander just grinned. "Or your sister does." It went into Xander's pocket. "Thank you." He took the other device to look at, frowning as it made his hands shake. "What is that?"
"That is a higher demon from our past," Thor said, getting up to come over. "I had no idea that was out of dwarven hands." He touched it and it shook all on its own. Xander swatted the top of it. It quit moving. He looked at Xander. "How did you come to hold this artifact, Xander?"
Xander grinned. "It was a thank you present for the great night of sex that broke the mage in."
"Dwarven?" Thor asked.
"Nope. Half elf. He said it was the only thing of substance that wasn't too powerful to be on this plane he had beyond his hand-made staff."
Thor sighed. "That is probably a bad thing. I should tell Heimdall so he could find out how that happened."
"He was there," Xander quipped, smirking at him. "He got there later but he knew."
Thor winced, nodding once. "That should still be in a well sealed vault that has guardians."
"Um, yeah, but Dawn's found out that the Guardian guy, the one with the huge collection, he got broken into and almost all his stuff got smashed and stolen."
"Fuck," Thor said in Norse. Xander cracked up, grinning at him. "Truly?"
"Truly," he agreed in Norse. "Something to do with the battles that group with the tree man has."
Thor rubbed his forehead. "Your Norse is good."
"Thank my ex, Anya," Xander said. "She taught me so we had ways of talking about Willow without her knowing."
"I had heard of your former fiancee," Thor admitted. Strange looked at him then at Xander. "He nearly married Anyanka."
Strange blinked a few times. "A vengeance demon?" he demanded.
"Well, she had been fired when we were together. But, yeah." He smiled. "I left her because she would've been miserable so she got her job back but then lost it again because she had a conscience. Then I lost her to the last battle in Sunnydale."
Strange sighed but groaned, shaking his head quickly. "That is a longer story to talk about so it can be documented so later generations know of her deeds and her strength." He looked at the device in his hands. "It's smoking."
Xander hit it again. "You come out of there and I'm giving you to the mini slayers, all the sixteen toddlers of them." The smoke retreated back into the device. Xander took it back with a grin. "I'll go hide it again."
"I have a vault," Stark said. "No one's getting into it and we don't like magic so I can put shields around it. It'll never get out unless the tower completely caves in. Then we've got bigger problems than that thing." He got up to grab it and walked off carrying it at arm's length. He ran into one of the other geeks he employed. "Mystical artifact." They got out of the way, hugging the wall so it wouldn't touch them. "Good idea." It carefully got placed into the vault and a shield came down around it to hermetically seal it into the shelf.
Nothing could get in, out, or around it. "Good." He looked at the rest of the vault, getting some help from that geek to remove anything from it. "We can put more things that shouldn't be in the open in here with that thing." He went to talk to Xander, who was back with his sister. "Can I store more of those for you?" he asked patiently as he walked in.
Darcy blinked at him, then shrugged, nudging Xander with an elbow. "Stark wants to take some of the bad guys you've got trapped in jars."
Xander looked up from his tablet he was typing on. "I was looking forward to selling them to bad guys so they can take themselves out while I giggle my ass off since most of them are like you and hate magic."
Stark blinked a few times. "Who'd do that?"
"Six wannabe warlords and bad guys in the last year." He grinned. "It's how I afford to go rampaging around to handle huge problems and not sleep on my sister's couch."
Stark blinked a few more times. "Wow. Would it work on someone like Doom?"
"No. He knows about magic and he's not that vain. I did take out one of his enemies with it and he sent me roses." He grinned. "It was sweet of him."
"Yeah, I guess it was," Stark agreed, nodding slightly. "Kind of driving me nuts, but yeah that's sweet of him I guess." Xander smirked at him. Darcy groaned, covering up again and getting cuddly. "Is there a way we can set up something so Jane can study magical portals instead of the ones she wants to rebuild?"
"Of course. We can even use something Richards keeps screwing up that Dawn has to walk past their building to depower every few weeks if you want."
"Don't tempt me," Stark shot back. "That's nearly evil."
"I keep telling the agents who keep trying to annoy me that I'm about to start an evil empire. Dawn would be allowed to be my arch nemesis or my second-in-command if Darcy didn't want it." She poked him hard with a finger. He winced and flinched. "Easy on that spot, Sis. I ache like shit there." She sat up to pull his t-shirts off him, staring at the injuries. Xander looked then at her. "I handled them."
"Fuck," she breathed. "Stark, get the doc? Will they treat him?"
"Of course they can," Stark agreed, staring at the bruising and cuts. "What did you take on?"
"Sixteen arms with rock-like fists and a weapon that could have destroyed parts of Oregon. Slayer Brea begged for help."
"Fuck," Darcy repeated. "Is it dead?" He nodded, giving her a funny look. "The weapon?" Xander pointed at the bag. "Um, no. It needs to be safer, Xander."
"Show it to me so I can make sure it won't destroy this expensive, tacky island, Harris." Xander pulled the bag over with a groan and dug it out, handing over the three pieces of it. Darcy looked then at him. "You broke it very well. Though I can probably put it back together again with duct tape. I do it often enough with Jane's machines." Stark held up a hand, shaking his head as he looked at it. "Was it mystical, energy, or otherwise?"
"Mystical energy from another realm. It held a little hellmouth like pearl of compressed energy. That's not in the bag." He pulled it out of his pocket to hold up. "I can safely contain it with the hellmouth taint I carry. You don't have that cushion."
Stark walked off, taking the weapons parts with him. He came back with a glass jar that he used to scoop up the pearl from the bed when Xander dropped it for him. He put it into a contamination holder and sealed it in. "That's safer." He walked off with it to go to his lab. Strange came in to look in the contamination chamber. "It powered the weapon the demon in Oregon had."
Strange looked at it and put it back together, handing it back. "That is a horrible bit of energy." He walked off scowling to nag Xander. Dawn had showed up by the time he got there. "Dawn," he said with a nod.
She patted him on the arm. "You look peeved. Another portal with tentacles?"
"Unicorn warriors showed up with a broken portal artifact." He held it up. She took it to reset and handed it back with a grin. "Thank you. Your semi-brother broke the artifact the demon in Oregon had."
She looked at him. "Where did you put the condensed hellmouth?"
"Stark has it." He grinned. "And the weapon."
"Great." She smirked at him. "Buffy heard." He shrugged. "She's not amused. The demon that told her bragged it was a worse fight than the one in Kenya the second time. She went on a fit about not hearing about the first one in Kenya. Or any others you had in Kenya." He winced, shaking his head slowly. "She's going looking."
"Oh well. They tossed me aside by thinking I was *normal*. Pity."
"I told her that." Dawn leaned over to hug him. "Thanks for saving all our butts again and not using that against the witch from hell. Who Buffy told about that being the *second* battle in Kenya." He grimaced. "Stay safe," she quipped.
"I'll set up protections," Strange said. "Your red witch is a horrible thing to have here in Manhattan. I don't need the extra work." He and Xander got up to put up protections with Dawn's help. Dawn went up to do Darcy's apartment as well with him. Then they went to talk to the unicorn warriors, who spotted Dawn and all started to complain together.
Dawn stared at them. "I told her it'd take more power than she usually had to power it and she'd have to pull energy from something else," she said to interrupt them. "Where are the rest of you?"
"In the cube," one said, holding it up.
Dawn released them and handed Strange the cube she had gotten Groot home in. "Let me go get that ball of power to charge it." She was heading for the elevator but Stark brought it out. Thor stared at it and groaned. She shot him a grin. "It powered the weapon Xander stopped in Oregon. A demon had it." She took the unicorns outside to the porch area so they were in the open. It was a bit chilly but they had fur. She was shivering but it'd happen easily enough. She got them all home and flopped down onto a chair with a sigh.
Strange looked down at her. "You need to learn how to do that easier."
"I don't like using the magic I have," she admitted. "It makes me feel like I've got morning sickness." He hauled her up and checked her over, nodding her inside. "I know. I can go nap on Darcy's couch probably." Stark took back the ball of power to go put up. She went to Darcy's couch for now.
Strange decided to be a bit blunt. He looked at Thor. "Can your brother teach her how to access those powers of hers easier? I use a different form of power than she does and he has that nice compulsion to help you with battles at the moment."
"I have no idea," Thor admitted. "We can ask him thus. He's still in the bathroom by the labs."
"Please. Before she creates a mystical pregnancy." He nodded, taking him down there to talk to Loki. Jane was shaking her head. She still didn't like magic messing up her science.
***
Loki was let into the apartment suite, looking at the sleeping child. The annoying sleeping child. He cleared his throat.
"I felt you out in the hallway," she said without opening her eyes. "What's wrong?" She sat up, pushing her hair back. She frowned and summoned her baby kraken. Who got happy to cuddle her again. She stared up at Loki. "Huge problems I need to help solve?"
"I was asked to teach you how to properly access your greater powers, chit."
Dawn grimaced. "I don't like having to use it. I get nauseous."
"Yes, that's your magic trying to create a second receptacle for itself." She winced, slumping slightly. "It's not that hard to properly access it if you wish to learn. Before your friend upstairs has to birth it for you?"
She gave him a dirty look. "I don't have the proper structures to create one, Loki." He gaped. She stared back. "Sorry, the way my body got made wasn't with a uterus." She got up. "Can't Stephen teach me?"
"He'd access powers like the others on this plane," he said patiently. "Unlike yours. Which are more like a universal power." He gave her a pointed look. "Which I realize why so quit panicking."
"I'm not panicking. If you try to harm me I'll send you after those unicorn warriors I had to send home earlier."
He burst out laughing, smirking at her. "It's good you're mouthy but I know of them, chit."
"I have a name."
"Names contain power," he instructed.
"Yeah but my human name isn't the same as the artifact."
"I heard. Or at least I realize." He tipped his head. "A quick lesson so you don't blow yourself up? That way humanity has other protectors when your friend gets killed."
"He's sick?" she demanded.
"He's full of energy he should not be able to hold. It's probably eating at his cellular structure."
"He always sucked up a lot of hellmouth energy." Loki looked confused. Dawn called up information for him. "From this place or from the one that he had to stop the other day?"
He read it over, frowning. "What is that?"
"A hellmouth. He was born there. He sucked up more than anyone else ever has."
Loki frowned. "That's interesting." She hauled him off by pulling on his sleeve, taking him to the infirmary. "I can walk."
"Yay." She walked him into Darcy's infirmary room. "Xander, he said you're being eaten by energy."
"Great," he said dryly, looking at them. "The hellmouth, which shouldn't be doing any damage since I sucked up about half of it or the other one that I had to hold until Stark contained it?"
Loki frowned as he tested him. "The second probably. It's newer energy, hasn't degraded any. Though you are a battery. That redhead could easily use you the next time she loses her mind."
"I stopped her the last time," Xander said. "Including getting hit by a lot of black magic she hit me with."
Darcy yawned, waking up to blink at them. "This is an interesting bedroom but if you're hitting on my brother you can take him with you for now. Just don't use my bed." She yawned again. Dawn was giggling. Mortimer flowed over to pet the Darcy. "Thanks, Mortimer. You're a sweet little plant guy. I need one of you as my pet. You'd help me a lot in the lab and you'd be cuddly when I was binging movies." The miniature kraken petted her a few more times then went back to his human, which amused Loki. He even rolled his eyes while smiling. "So, it's the new energy source that's caused the bruises?"
"Most of them are from the battle," Xander told her. "Really it was. The thing had sixteen fists."
Loki stared at him. "How on earth?"
"It wasn't from earth." He took Dawn's phone to pull up the battle footage, letting them all see it. "See, not from earth."
"Who is the girl?" Loki asked.
"Slayer Brea."
"Interesting. She's letting you do most of it?" He looked up. Xander nodded. "Why?"
"Because she thought it'd take her out for being female. Some demons do have things that can eat female genetic material." He looked at Dawn. "When did you two start to hang out?"
"Strange asked him to teach me to properly reach my magic before it made me pregnant, which is physically impossible actually."
"With magic many things are possible," Loki said dryly.
She looked at him. "Not if I don't have a uterus to carry it in or eggs to create one," she shot back. He blinked at her. She smiled. "Sorry, but none there. Not my doing."
Loki handed back the phone, letting Darcy rewatch it so she could hit her brother on the arm for being in that battle. He took Dawn's hand to test her magic and whined. "How on Midgard did that happen?"
"She got woken up," Dawn said dryly. "And then there were monks and minions and knights." Xander cleared his throat. "And that's all I'm saying about it."
Loki sighed. "You have elemental powers, not traditional magic."
"Which I still don't tend to use."
"You need to, it's eating some of your form," Loki said. He gave her a pointed look. "I will take you to that amusing sorcerer's abode to use his shielded areas to show you how to do that safely. That way he knows how to teach your next incarnation." She petted the kraken with a grin. He swallowed. "That's actually a good backup plan."
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking but I love my little guy no matter what happens."
"That's fine. Let us go there." She took him with her, making him give her an odd look. "Much faster than those cab things." Strange looked out of the office. "We're using your shields so you know how to teach later elemental power users."
"What's that college the unicorn princesses of pout talked about?" Dawn asked him.
"The University of Magic? It's for mages." He took her to the shielded practice area he could feel, settling across from her. He showed her how to touch the elemental forces he could touch, and let her discover her own connections while Strange watched on. Then Dawn found a universal well of power and accidentally touched it. Mortimer squealed as he ran off.
"Sorry, Mortimer. Let me dump that," she said, concentrating on dumping the energy into the shields around the room. Her baby kraken slowly came closer until she could grab him to pet. He settled in her lap again.
Loki stared at her. "Well." He looked at Strange, who was looking less than pleased. "You are dangerous."
She grinned. "Thanks. Really. All the bad guys who want to kidnap me for my sister's anger think I'm dangerous once I get myself free," she shot back sarcastically.
Loki shook his head. "Do they not come after you for your skills?"
"I don't use my magic, Loki. I grew up with Willow making mistakes and fighting her addiction to her skills. I'm never going to be like her and I don't want to rely on magic for everything, or really much of anything. Protections and the like, yes. Everyday magic? Not unless I'm moved to a world where D&D is more realistic. Since I don't want to live on Asgard...." She shrugged. She looked at Stephen, who smiled slightly. "I really don't. Magic can be creepy. Especially if you use it for every little thing. I used to like Harry Potter books but I'm not going to Hogwarts and I'm out of my bad boy phase where I would've screwed Draco Malfoy into being a good boyfriend."
"I'm sure you are," he agreed. "You have grown up since your youth. We all grew up." He came in to sit with them. "Show me what you were doing, Dawn. That way I can help if you or someone else gets stuck. That looks a lot like what one of the sorcerers I know was trying the other day and nearly burned her head off." Dawn nodded, putting Mortimer down beside her and putting up a visualization of what she was doing. He was looking through his Eye of Agomoto at her while she concentrated and touched it. "That's interesting and why she nearly got burned up." He looked at Loki. "Is that standard for Asgardian magic?"
"That is universal magic, not Asgardian. There's some mages that specialize in that form but not many as it's dangerous to control."
"I have good control," Dawn reminded them.
"You do," Loki agreed. "You could do bigger things."
"And if it's the fate of humanity I will," she agreed. "Unless it's the fate of humanity or I'm being attacked by something I can't fight off, then I'm not. I can also only pull some of the magic instead of everything at once." She showed she could do that. Mortimer crawled behind Stephen's back to hide from the magic but she'd cuddle him again in a minute.
Stephen sent a harmless magical probe towards her magic, testing it. She didn't do more than physically flinch but he understood why. "You've connected it to your core."
"That's how I was made," she reminded him.
"I realize why, Dawn, and it's unreasonable to expect you to change that." He frowned and tested it again but she was starting to sweat. "Let it go." She dropped it all back into her and leaned over to grab her kraken from behind him, making him cough in warning. She sat up with the kraken going into her lap again. He shook his head, rolling his eyes a tiny bit. "That is still very weird."
"Coming from Dr. Strange," she quipped, grinning at him. He scowled. She just smiled back. "At least you're not the guy who offered to help me do the renewal rite for the world crystal. I had to turn down his suggestion for sacrificial sex since I'm not a virgin and I'm not going to give up my power and body to the crystal."
Loki winced, shaking his head. "No, you are a servant of it as he is but not that way, child." She scowled at him. He grinned back. "I am much older than you."
"Not in my natural green form," she quipped.
"Point. Barely."
"What about that Collector guy?" she asked him.
"I had heard he was raided or broken into," Loki admitted. "It will cause problems for a long while I'm sure."
"And that's the sort of thing that's drawn to me and Xander," Dawn said. "Is there things there I should worry about coming to cuddle me?"
"Yes," Loki said with a grin. "Many. Including another Gem."
She shivered. "That thing was headache inducing when I had to drain one partially to get home." She yawned. "Will that stop me from getting nauseous when I have to pull up energy?"
"That would depend on the energy you pull up," Loki instructed. "If you pull up earth energy like the native witches do, no. If you pull up your version of magic, it would. That would also let others who know magic realize that you're not a normal witch."
Dawn nodded. "So nausea versus more danger."
"And a possible mystical pregnancy," Stephen reminded her.
"No uterus. No eggs. Nothing like that. It got the outsides done and not the insides when it made me."
He hummed. "That's interesting but understandable if it had to make your form quickly instead of over time."
"Yeah, the monks set off the spell as they were being taken down by *her*."
Stephen frowned but nodded. "At least that is something but it could still create the necessary structures. Have you had an ultrasound recently? Not to be nosy."
"A year ago," she said. "I get one yearly. My new doc thinks that mine got removed after a horrific car crash thanks to the scars on my stomach." She lifted her shirt to show them off. "When that was Glory opening me to get my blood to attempt her portal plans."
Stephen nodded. "That's a reasonable assumption and cover story, Dawn." She grinned, putting down her shirt. "You are not the usual problems I see. Nor do I consider you to be a future threat I'll have to eliminate." She grinned at him. "I hope." He gave her a pointed look.
She patted him on the arm. "That guy suggested it's your job to lead the sacrificial rite to give virgins to the world crystal. I told him off for you."
"Thank you. Show me him soon so I can correct his assumptions. I do not like the idea of sacrificial rites."
"The world crystal is important," Loki admitted. "And there have been sacrifices in the past but only if it was damaged in a meaningful way. Then it's really up to those with sirenic gifts to heal it with energy additions. A full sacrifice of a virgin and her powers would mean it was fully cracked and unhealable without that." Loki frowned. "It should not be."
"Can we check?" Dawn asked. "Scrying or something?"
"I know the ones who guard it and can ask one," Loki said with a hand wave. "If so we'll be losing things like gravity." Stephen frowned. "Magic is the lubricant that keeps the core of this planet from slowing down. Otherwise it wouldn't be spinning as fast as it used to. Magic lubricates many natural functions that science depends on. Which is why I get so amused at Jane Foster's theories at times."
"Have the tentacles come back?" Stephen asked.
"No," Loki said with a small smile. "They still have friends as well."
"Good," Dawn agreed. "Darcy was nice when she gave them new friends."
"That was mean of her," Stephen chided.
"But effective. No one's come to try to steal Jane or her files since then," Dawn argued. "Useful but mean is effective."
"I cannot argue on the point of it being effective but ethically it is wrong," Stephen said firmly.
She grinned. "Sometimes you gotta be mean to protect yourself and others. Or the slayers wouldn't have to kill some of the demons who're acting in their interest but it'll hurt people. Like the one trying to reanimate his soulmate last month. Her death had destabilized and sent a whole realm into decay because she was tied to their native magic. Bringing her back would save their lives but take out a good half a continent."
"Point," Stephen agreed. "At that level it's reasonable and a good idea. Though I do feel for those others who are being hurt." She nodded she did too. He sighed. "Sometimes ethics is gray instead of black and white." She nodded again. "I do not judge many of those unless they try to take out humanity. Darcy giving them the agents who were annoying them isn't that important."
"Unless they had managed to open a bridge like she did," Loki corrected smugly. "Because then they would have endangered most everybody."
"I had not thought of that."
"And really, agents shouldn't be stealing," Dawn quipped with a grin for him. "Should they?"
"No," he agreed.
"Or kidnaping since they tried twice," Dawn said. "Xander stopped them both subtly. The minion there to guard Darcy stopped one earlier and handed him to Hill."
Stephen winced. "That is wrong of them."
"So the tentacles having them isn't as wrong as they were to try to take stuff that could harm everyone," Dawn finished.
"That is a point of consideration," Stephen decided, staring at her. "You are very much a shit stirrer as it's called." She beamed at that compliment. "Do you often do that?"
"My sister's very black and white about things but blind about them just as often. That's why she dated Spike. And Riley." Loki looked confused. "There was a government program tearing apart demons by the harshest methods to figure out how they did what they did and if their powers could be passed on to soldiers. They tortured anything they could get their hands on and tended to use something like Darcy's tazer to capture them. They didn't care if they were peaceful, harmful, or a child. Yet my sister was dating one of their top team leaders, even after she found out, and they tried to court her to see if they could get her skills too. Then we had to end their program by her group going in to defeat them."
"I hope they never return," Stephen said.
"UNC," she said bluntly, staring at him. "The ones that got given permanent work assignments but were scientists are at UNC, Chapel Hill. We've all put up protests against them."
"I know of someone down in that area of the country. I'll warn them later," Stephen said. She relaxed again. So did Mortimer, who was stiff in her lap. "Calm your pet, Dawn." She cooed and petted him. He looked at Loki. "How many others would have her as a sacrifice if they knew about her?"
"Most of them would see her not as human but as the artifact," he admitted. "Including many from Asgard who believe Midgardians are roaches to play with." He looked at her.
"Which is why I'll never go up there unless I absolutely have to, I won't be using my magic up there, and if they try I'll destroy that realm by destroying their core." She smiled sweetly. "And I'd have help from Xander."
"He's noted himself up there a few times," Loki admitted. "I don't know why."
"I know once it ended up with a naked Heimdall and something about an endangered dwarf princess," she quipped. Loki burst out in giggles, falling onto his side to laugh. "Yeah, we think so too." Stephen was shaking his head but smiling. "I'll come running to hide in one of your many closets if I'm in that sort of danger," she said quietly, staring at Stephen. "Just toss me a book now and then."
"I can do that," he agreed. "Must you go to Cleveland again?"
"No. I hate Cleveland. I don't want to ever go to Cleveland again. Not matter how much my sister fusses and whines and complains. Or tries to have demons steal me from campus or any other way she's tried. Even if I go back to working for the Council it won't be from Cleveland. I can Skype like a mofo."
He nodded. "That's a good thing since you show energy warping by that hellmouth, Dawn."
"Yeah, I naturally suck up any loose energy around me to clean mine so it's more camo'd. Xander and I had radiation sickness when we left Sunnydale." He blinked at her. "For about three years he wore a piece of metal that had been in the debris from the hole to keep his radiation sickness down. He had to destroy it to destroy a huge demon in Africa somewhere. Then he got sick again but not as sick. One of the boyfriends that worked on weapons helped suck it out of him and Xander kindly took that weapon from him when he was feeling better, right before SHIELD got there. It's probably in one of the safes he has hidden."
"I would like to look in those," Stephen said. She shook her head but was smiling. "He won't allow anyone?"
"Not even me or Darcy. Not until he's dead and then he left instructions in his will so she can find them and get whatever she needs to make herself safe. Including his blessed axe."
"That's slightly wise but it could lead to things attacking there."
"He's using places like that demon bank we held the attack off at."
"Interesting and protected," Stephen decided. "If you should hear one's been opened, let me know?"
"Of course. There's no telling what he's got stored in there. For all I know he entombed a few of the hell gods he fought and they're in one."
He shivered suddenly. "That would be something I could expect," he admitted. He got patted by her and Mortimer. "Thank you both." He stood up with a groan. "Come, let's get you some water. You're still shaky from low blood sugar."
"I just need a nap."
"You can have that couch again," he said. "Loki?"
"I can make my own way back," he assured them. Dawn tidied things and went to her favorite napping spot. Stephen watched Loki walk out and into SHIELD waiting on him. They took him back to the tower and his incarcerating bathroom. Stephen shook his head, making notes in his journal for later Sorcerer Supremes. Hopefully he'd outlive Dawn so no one else had to have the headache he had from her powers. Though a note popped into being on his desk suggesting that if he was going to take Dawn as a wife he should probably help her dress better. He crumpled it and burned it as it hit the trash can. Some of his friends needed mental help. They truly needed it more than her sister did.
***
Xander blinked awake as someone cleared their throat at the foot of the infirmary bed. He blinked at Buffy, then shrugged, nudging his sister. "Buffy's here, Sis."
"Fuck her, I'm sleeping," she mumbled, curling into his shoulder.
"My sister said she's sleeping," he told her.
Buffy grimaced. "Why are you sleeping with your sister? I thought you said you weren't into that."
"Because she's injured and needed cuddles from a guy who's not a shithead like the one that hurt her," he said bluntly, staring at her. "Dawn's not here."
"Why not?"
"Because she's off doing things," he said dryly. "With Mortimer probably."
She grimaced. "I hate that little thing." He shrugged one-sidedly. She huffed. "I got told about battles the slayers never heard about, Xander."
"Yeah, because they weren't there," he shot back, shrugging one shoulder again. "Did you want me to ignore it because there wasn't a slayer there?"
"That's not your job."
"Shut up. It's my job if I make it my job. Or if it attacks me. If I'm the only one there to handle things, I'm damn sure going to handle things, Buffy. Did you want humanity to end? I can go back and stop myself if I need to." She glared. He stared her down until she took a step back. "Any other comments before I go talk to people about my new evil empire?"
"You can't do that. That's comic book stuff."
"And yet we're in the infirmary ward of Avengers tower," he said dryly. "Which means that usually these beds hold people who go out in spandex and body armor with weird weapons to save humanity. Thankfully my sister works with them as a science assistant so she's only in here due to a bad date."
Clint leaned in. "She okay yet?" he asked. "I made coffee."
Darcy blinked at him. "I give blowjobs for really good coffee so did you make it your usual way, Stark's usual way, or did you buy it so it's good?"
Clint snorted but grinned. "I'd never expect a blow job for coffee, Darcy. Breakfast...." He walked a cup in. "It's Stark strength." She moaned, sitting up to take the cup so she could sniff it then inhale it. He looked at Xander. "Did you need some?"
"No, I'm okay. Thanks, Agent Barton. And for babying my sister."
"Welcome. Are you feeling better? Bruce wanted to see why the energy was eating you this time."
"It was probably fighting against all the hellmouth taint I carry."
"I'll tell him that and watch him walk off mumbling about them again. He really hates those holes of radiation." He nodded politely at Buffy then left so she could complain. He was the only one in the tower right now thanks to a press event so he was listening to the security feed with Hill. He'd have to beat her to throwing someone off the balcony this time if they started to brawl in there.
Buffy stared at Xander and Darcy. "Why did a hottie like that bring you coffee?" she asked Darcy.
"Because Clint's a really nice friend sort," she told her. "He's very considerate and knows I'm missing coffee since I'm in here. Hopefully I get to rest in my own apartment later on tonight so I'm no longer missing coffee and regular food." She looked at Xander. "I can see the minion you asked to protect us still here?"
He shrugged. "Yeah, he's stopped a few people trying to get you and Jane in the last day or so."
She grimaced. "That's weird."
"No, that's AIM," he said dryly. "They want your Jane. I'd really like their weapons vault. I'm not sure how we can handle that."
She patted him on the cheek. "I can ask the guys if they'd like AIM's vault instead."
He nodded. "That'd be okay. I'm still kinda sore from the battle in Oregon." She hugged him. "Did you get to see Brea's battle?" he asked Buffy.
"Yes. Then I yelled at her for slacking that way." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Why didn't we hear about your sister in Sunnydale?"
"Because you wouldn't have cared," he said then shrugged and grinned. "You thought I was really pitiful and pathetic. I'm better than that so I just let you have your opinions and went on with my duty as needed." She glared. He stared back. "Anything else? We were going to do another season of the show with the demon hunters and the cool car. Darcy and I should go do that but I need a car again." Darcy poked him, making him poke her back to tickle her. She yelped and got away from him, making him smirk at her. "Ha! Got you, you poker."
Darcy swatted him but looked amused. "Let me go nag the nurse about food." She went to find one and nag them. No nurse. No doctor and no nurse. "Huh." She looked around. "Hey, JARVIS, did everyone run away from my hair that needs brushed?" No answer. "Aw, fuck. Xander, JARVIS isn't answering."
"He's not my special non-tangible friend," Xander said, getting out of bed. Buffy blushed and turned her back since he was wearing boxer briefs. He slid into clothes and then his shoes, handing Darcy a bathrobe to go over the cute shorts set pajamas she had on. "He's a really nice guy but he only tells me that you're napping when I ask."
"J's usually got my back about most stuff," Darcy admitted. They looked around that floor. "Okay, Clint should probably be on the main floor," she mumbled, heading for the elevator. "Hey, Minion guy, we might need backup. All the nurses and docs are gone."
"I can help you easily enough, miss," he agreed, putting down the magazine and following them. Buffy followed him, making him smile at her. "My actual boss leant me to Xander to watch his sister while he saved your slayers."
"I heard about him saving them but not that he asked for miniony help," Buffy said. "I didn't know Xander knew anyone who had minions."
"He's really kinda good in bed," Xander said. Then he shot a grin at her. "He's all sorts of cuddly too when I ask." The minion smiled at that. "And he makes really nice breakfasts." She scowled at him but oh well. They got onto the elevator. "Labs, main floor, or security's floor, Darce?" he asked.
"Labs. I woke up when Stark grabbed your bag last night to see what else you had hidden." He nodded, letting her select the floor button to push. It only took a few seconds to go down to the lab floor. Everything was locked down tight and no people. Darcy looked around slowly. "We're not this silent even during a lockdown," she muttered, heading for a lab. She got the lab door open and then Xander did the same to the lab where he could see his bag of tricks. He handed her two weapons and got another one for himself plus his blessed axe. He handed the minion bullets and Buffy a short sword. She grimaced but took it. "If you're coming with us, you're helping," Darcy told her. They hiked off again, taking the back stairs up to the other lab floor. There were people there trying to get into a lab. "Hey," Darcy said. "Who're you?"
One of them stared at her. "Who do you think you are, missy?"
"I think I'm one of the lab assistants," she said bluntly. "And I think you're trying to break into a lab so I'd back the fuck down before I call Stark security or SHIELD. Now, produce ID or leave the building."
"You don't own us." Xander stepped up and one of the group backed away, shaking his head slowly. "Who're you?" that guy demanded.
He grinned. "Xander. Former Council. Are you like the agents that tried to detain me when I was rushing to my sister's side?" One of the trio tried to pounce him but he batted them into a glass wall. The other two ran off. Darcy and the minion followed while Xander checked the rest of the floor. No one else trying to break in. They tied up the guys in the elevator and went up to the main floor. No one. Including Barton. He and Darcy shared a look then she went to check usual hanging out places.
She found Clint asleep on the couch. Xander checked him over, shaking his head. "Nerve pinch," he noted. He took his earphone out and wiped it off then stuck it into his ear. "Hey," he said at the ranting person. "Who're you? Oh, Hill. Barton's knocked out on some sort of couch, we have three people tied up in the elevators that we found trying to break into a lab floor, and one was already scared of me, and we need to know where to go search. Yeah but I'm here so I'm helping. Get over it. No one and nothing endangers my sister without my judging them and then killing the ones who deserve it. Now, where?" He listened then looked at Darcy. "Thor's room?"
"It's up here," she agreed, leading the way. "Why are we going to break in on Jane and Thor's room?"
"Jane's knocked out."
"Oh, greatness!" She opened the door and ran over to check on Jane, who was knocked out like Barton. "She's breathing and all that." Xander checked and nodded she'd be fine. "Okay, what's going on?" She took the earbud. "What's going on, Hill? Because they're getting my foot up their ass, Hill. So what the hell is going on? A team...where's Bucky? I know what day it is and I figure most of the team is at the press thing but I know Bucky doesn't go to those. Any idea? Okay. Sure. I can try to find him." She tapped it off and looked at the minion. Who shrugged. "Can you stay with Jane for me please? She's the lady rebuilding the Bifrost and people want to kidnap her really hard."
"I can do that, Miss."
"Thank you." She patted him on the arm as she walked past him, heading for somewhere Bucky might be hiding. There were a lot of safe areas in the tower but Bucky seemed to be like Clint and like higher up spaces and tighter ones. It had to be a sniper thing. They ran into two agents and she tried to kick butt, she really did, but didn't succeed as well as hoped. "I really need to be possessed by Natasha for a few hours," she complained as her brother saved her. "That way I could be super scary and kick ass like a lady."
"I can see if the slayer spirit likes you," Buffy offered.
Darcy looked at her. "Xander already told me she likes me. Told me I'm plucky." Buffy shivered. They went to the range, which had the accessory armory attached to it. No Bucky in direct sight. She slowly looked around the various hiding spots for various shot practice, and pranking times. Xander grabbed her wrist and pointed. "Yeah. Bucky, it's Darcy. Can you come down?" No answer. "Shit. C'mon, Bucky. It's the nice lady that made you buy real jeans." She put up her weapons and went to climb up but Xander stopped her and went up to see if he could get to Barnes. An agent rushed in and it wasn't someone she knew so she shot the gun she had at him. He fell down groaning and moaning while holding his arm. "Shut up. You're loud and whiny," she told him.
"You really are related to Xander," Buffy said, staring at her. "Wow."
Darcy shot her a dirty look. "It's the great part of the bloodlines that makes us smart, mouthy, and capable, Buffy." Xander yelped but Bucky came out of hiding. Darcy hurried up and pounced Bucky's back, making him shift to throw her off. It'd hurt when she hit the floor so she hung on his neck while Xander got him down. "Hey! Keep that up and I won't buy you any more wings, mister. Or show you the better donut shops."
Xander managed to hit Bucky on the head, making him moan and go down to one knee. "Don't make me hurt you for real for hurting my sister." He helped Darcy off him. "You back to yourself?" Bucky stared up at him. "Hi. You okay again?" He shook his head. "I can bat you on the head again if you want and it'll help." Bucky stood up, looming over him. Xander smiled. "Wow, that's almost flirty of you. Is this really the time for flirty moments? If so, I'll gladly break some stress with you." Darcy hit him on the arm and moved to kiss Bucky until he broke and moaned, grabbing her by the butt. "Sure, you're more into girls. I get that and it's nice. Darcy could use someone nice. And I heartily approve of it if she does it for you as long as you never hurt her. Because I found a nuke that's turned off I'll gladly shove up your ass if you're mean to my sister."
Bucky pulled away, glaring at Darcy. "That could've gotten you hurt."
She grinned. "It's a bucket list item, Bucky. Had to be done before you scowled yourself into sleeping with my brother." She hit Xander on the arm. "No nuking a bad boyfriend, Xander. Unless I end up in the ICU or something. Then you can shove that nuke up his ass and set it off."
"I can do that," he agreed, grinning at her. "C'mon. We've gotten a few agents. Someone knocked out Barton and Jane. We have Buffy helping us." Xander head-nodded to the right. "Coming with?"
"Yeah, I can do that," he agreed, taking the gun from Darcy. She took it back and Xander handed him his spares. "That'll work." They left together, Buffy following. "Summers, go guard Barton and Jane," he ordered. "These are bad humans and you don't handle humans from what we've heard about slayers."
"I can do that," she agreed. "I know nothing about bad people except the ones that picket the house and try to hurt the minis." She ran off to go back up to guard the hotty on the couch.
Xander grinned. "Thanks," he mouthed. They found the other agents and took them down. With a bit of help from a female body that squealed and came over to pounce Xander once everyone was knocked down and out. He grinned down at her. "Thank you, Melodia."
"You're welcome," she chirped. "You're very hot with the gun, Xander."
He smiled. "I kinda am, yes." He kissed her again. "I've got to make sure these ones don't try for my sister."
Melodia looked Darcy over, whistling. "We thought you were a date with how he cuddled you so we were going to offer you a spot in his harem but since you're his sister I'll make sure some of the harem might like to sleep with you too." She bounded off. "There's only a few more and the security teams are handling them. I knocked out Buffy too, dear." She blew a kiss before getting on the elevator and disappearing.
Xander rubbed the back of his neck since his sister was staring at him. "Kinda like the other one that tried to invade here but she's a lot sweeter and nicer."
"Uh-huh." She patted him on the arm. "I love meeting some of your lovers, Xander. They're cute and interesting people." He blushed, ducking his head. "And if they hurt you the way you think mine will some day hurt me, I'll borrow that nuke to get them too."
"I can do that. Or we can make some that're specifically built into butt plugs. I even have the recipe for a chemical explosive that won't burn their insides if we enema them with it first."
"That might be interesting to see," she agreed, grinning at him as they walked off.
Bucky watched them go. "I don't want to know what you're talking about but that sounds really evil."
Xander grinned. "I'm going to start an evil empire to support myself and my big sister. I'm working on my methodology and recruitment strategies right now so I don't get lame asses like AIM or HYDRA did. You wanna join? I can find you a great, high up spot that may pay in sex hours for a bit but it'll be fun."
"We'll see," he said, following those two while they talked about recruiting strategies for his future evil cult. He'd moan but that might alert them that he had to plan to stop them. Or maybe sacrifice Steve to sleep with the siblings so they were normal for a bit.
*** (sent to list's archive to here)
Stark finally managed to break into his own security system, giving the rest of the team access to the building. "JARVIS," he called. "Override 331254dan."
"Sir," the AI said quietly. "Thank you. That was most disturbing."
"Welcome, J. Who's where and how bad is it?"
"The two teams, and one helpful former lover, have mostly cleared the menace to everyone's safety but there's three left on the labs floors. Ms. Hill has advised the others to let her handle it with her team. The others are figuring out who the menaces are in the weight lifting gym thanks to Sergeant Barnes. Miss Lewis and her brother are both taunting another menacing being by letting a tiny demon nibble on his ears. He's screaming and crying like it's really going to kill him." He cleared his virtual throat. "Doctor Foster is being guarded by the nice guard that came to help Xander guard his sister. Agent Barton is waking up and trying to avoid some flirting from Miss Summers."
"Dawn?" Natasha asked.
"No, Buffy," the AI said. "She thinks he's hot."
"He is, People Magazine said so," Stark quipped. "Elevators?"
"Working, sir."
"Thanks, J." He went up to help the lab assault be ended. It was his labs, he was going to defend it. Only he got to break the labs. The security team had all but one person that was locked in a closet. Stark walked over to nudge the team out of the way and forced the door open. "Hi. Only I get to break my lab. So who the hell are you?"
"We will win!" he shouted and started to move. Hill tazed him.
Stark looked at her. "Nice shot. Are you a Lewis now too?"
"Sometimes simpler weapons are more reasonable," she said sarcastically. "We're not sure who they're with yet."
"JARVIS said that they're interrogating in the weight gym," Stark said.
She motioned to bring those ones to that gym and she followed. It was apparently going to be a fun, messy night in there. They could hear the girlish screaming before they got near the gym. She walked in first and found the man having a screaming meltdown from the two demons nibbling on his extremities. She looked at Harris, who grinned at her. "You let Summers go flirt with Barton?"
"They're humans," he said with a hand wave at the beings on the floor. "She can't do more than sneer and kick a bit when it's humans."
"Point. We can handle it with Romanoff, Barnes."
He looked at her. "Shut up. I don't take orders from you, Hill." He looked at the begging man then at Xander and Darcy. "You two let me work."
"Yup, no need to see that," Xander said. "Had it nearly happen to me, not wanting those nightmares to come back," he agreed as he pulled Darcy from the room. "I'm going to get her checked out of the infirmary and into her apartment again."
Darcy looked up at him. "Who tortured you?" she demanded.
"They're kinda dead," he quipped with a grin for her. "Mostly. A few minions but the main guy who hated that I was working with girls to save their asses are gone."
"Oh, that sort. Failed men," she said with a nod. "I hope they died pretty hard then. They deserve it."
"Yeah they kinda did," Xander agreed. They ran into a nurse, who gave them a funny look. "I'm bringing her back so she can get discharged. Can she go home so I can make her dinner? Especially since she didn't get breakfast."
"We'll check her over one last time then probably send her home," the nurse said, taking them back to the infirmary. "Any new injuries?" They both shook their heads. "Good!" The doctors checked the siblings over and let them go up to Darcy's apartment but told her she'd have to check in sometime in the morning just in case. She agreed and skipped off to eat real food and drink real coffee.
Stark knocked on the door a few hours later, looking at Xander. "I don't think anyone's created a nuke that'll fit in a butt plug, Xander."
He grinned. "You never know. It's not that complicated anymore."
"It really is."
"Why not?" Darcy asked. "It'd be easier to use so why hasn't someone like our enemies come up with one? And what's the difference between that and a dirty bomb?"
"Dirty bombs just spew radiation," Tony told her. "It's an explosive plus radioactive material. A nuclear weapon has the uranium or whatever as the explosive."
"Oh!" She nodded. "So we can't actually shrink one that size?"
He stared at her, then sighed. "I have no idea if someone's working on it but that's really mean, Lewis."
"Well, yeah, but do those sort care about meanness? I mean, one of them tried to use a dog as a suicide bomber the other day."
"True, I saw that footage," he agreed. He looked at Xander. "That chemical explosive?" Xander grinned. "Unh-unh. No. That could help us and I want a copy, Xander."
"I've already put it into the vault, Stark."
"Uh-huh. Still. Tomorrow, Harris. It could be important that I find a way to disable it before it hits here."
"It's in the vault in LA, Stark."
"Can you get it sent out?"
"No and me showing up there will not only cause a panic but could also get me banned from the bank." Darcy poked him on the arm. "They know why I've got that vault, Darce."
"I get that," she agreed. "You didn't keep it in your notes?"
"Well...." He frowned. "I don't know. I do keep a list if those sort of things in case I need to make something suddenly for an apocalypse battle." He went to dig out his journal and personal book. Then the other one, tossing it at Stark. "My personal classification manual."
"Thanks." He flipped through it, staring at a few notes with his head tipped. "Why did you note they were fun?"
"They're hippies," he said with a grin. "They were having a music festival. The other one that has that note likes to be tortured lightly, it's like tickling for us to them. They showed up and asked the slayer I was working with to hurt them a tiny bit for an important celebration."
Stark blinked a few times, nodding slowly. "Okay, good to know." Xander dug around to pull out something else. Tony took them all to go to the lab and look them over. Plus to scan in most of the non-personal information. What Darcy had found about Xander's African trip, nothing on what had actually happened because half of this wasn't noted in those notes she had gotten off him. Hill walked in. "He didn't give me permission to share."
"Fine." She looked at the classification manual, nodding at a few notes. "Interesting." She wiped her fingers off and handed it back. "Let me know if you find pertinent and relevant information." She left, going to her office to finish the paperwork on the clean up. She could shudder about Harris later.
Stark kept reading and noting anything about weapons, wondering where they were all stored. Then he ran into a huge battle. "They were all used," he read. "Oh, crap." He looked up that battle online. It was locked in the country's files so he had to hack a tiny bit. He was good at it too. He got the full, uncut footage from their servers and saved it down to look at later. They needed to formulate how to handle it as a team instead of relying on the slayers and Harris. Stark sat up, staring at one section again. "How did he come back to life?" he asked the journal. He flipped the page and found that, wincing at the reason. "Fuck me sideways," he mumbled, rereading it. "Damn it."
Xander strolled in, taking the book to close and stare at him. "No, she doesn't know. No one knows. No one will know," he said firmly, staring at him.
"Who brought you back?"
"Janus." He shrugged. "I was needed to end that battle. I wasn't fully dead, I was more in stasis due to magic. Freaked me out some but we managed it." He gave him a pointed look. "Why do you need to know so much?"
"Because some day soon you and the slayers will be dead, permanently dead. Then what?"
Xander nodded. "Then another slayer gets called. There's potentials." Stark slumped. "It's on automatic even if the Powers That Be are ended. To stop the progression of the calling would take a huge, powerful sacrifice of multiple slayers. We'd realize it if all of them suddenly started to die off again. We'd be left with about five if they did that but it would allow the calling to be changed. No one wants that outside some greater evil things. They can't manage to get all the slayers within a solar month's time so we're pretty safe there."
Stark swallowed but nodded. "But they won't have anyone like you."
"Which the old timers will adore," Xander said with a grin and a nod. "They're going to have huge parties if and when I die."
"If?"
"If. I probably should've died in Kenya. Both times in Kenya." Stark slumped again, staring at him. "I'm the guy in the sentence 'someone's got to do it'. The girls hate that but yay. Someday some of them will grow up."
"You hope," Stark agreed. He stared at him. "We can take some of that duty from you."
"Please do. I really hate being in the US with the way the agents are trying to get me arrested for some reason recently. I'm not sure if it's HYDRA or a fear about the slayers or what. I was bothered by three within two days time, Stark, and I'm pretty sure only one wasn't there specifically for that reason. Just to sneer."
Stark nodded. "I can ask around."
"If you want. It'll hopefully make my sister safer. If I have to, I can go hide with some ex's or even people like Melodia. She'd help me do a lot of things that are needed."
Stark grimaced. "A harem sounds fun and all but it's a lot of work."
Xander grinned. "I have great stamina thanks to Anya." He winked and took his journal with him.
"Are there more weapons?"
Xander grinned. "Some, but not as many as there should be. I've had to use them an awful lot some years." He shrugged but grinned again. "Not like I have a powerful suit of armor or anything like that."
"The battle in Ogden."
Xander chuckled, nodding while smiling. "Not as bad as we thought it'd be actually. Not great but not that evil. Just wanted to be that evil."
Stark stared at him. "How many were worse than that?"
"Most of the bigger ones. A lot of times I had scared-to-death people as backup who wanted to pray away the demons for insulting their religious beliefs. That doesn't work real well when it's something coming here to attack us." He left.
Stark grimaced, searching out more information like those. He'd show Steve later. That way they had battle plans in case.
***
Xander had barely left before he had to come back the next time. "Thor," he said, shaking his hand. He got a smile back from him. "We must speak, Thor. Quietly and I do not bring happy news."
"What has happened? A battle in Asgard?"
"Lead me to somewhere private." Thor nodded, taking him to the meeting room. "First, you must never tell anyone about the news that Darcy shared with me," he said quietly.
"Many would welcome such knowledge," he said, starting to scowl.
Xander shook his head. "No they will not, Thor." He pulled out a scroll to put onto the table. "This is the bad news that I bring. A contact I have who has friends among the Vanir received word of a contract to bring you home at any cost."
"My father?" he demanded.
"I know not." He pointed at the scroll. "That is what was put out there. I also know that there's a great consideration that humans are beneath the Prince of Asgard." Thor stared at him, not touching the scroll. "Thor, my contact was one of Heimdall's contacts," he said quietly. "This one speaks in your father's name." He pushed the scroll closer. "If they knew of my sister, they would handily take her out as it was proof that you were being warped by your time down here among the mortals."
Thor took the scroll to open and read, frowning greatly at it. "That is not my father's handwriting," he admitted. "Though it is signed in his name." He looked up. "The Council?"
"I don't know. The one that gave it to me didn't know the originating source but it says that the handsome reward has been placed into a trunk."
Thor reread it. "Wait here. I wish to speak to my brother and Lady Jane."
"I can do that. I warned Darcy already. Just in case my phone was tapped."
Thor nodded. "That is wise. I would not want them harmed." He was frowning as he walked off, going to the lab floor. He found his brother relaxing in the shower stall on some created pillows with a snack of popcorn. "We must speak, Brother." He closed the door behind himself. "News has come down through circuits from Asgard."
"Am I to be put to death?" Loki asked dryly, smirking at him.
"Nay, they wish to kill Jane and Darcy." He handed over the scroll. "Who would have wrote that?"
Loki looked at it, grimacing as he read. "That is stupidly foul, but the Council has that power, Thor. As do some of the cousins you have."
"We have, Brother. Even adopted you are still my brother." He stared at him. "Can you tell which one? Or even if it is true? It was passed to Darcy's brother by roundabout means."
"Call your friends, Thor," he said, staring up at him. "They would be able to tell you if they had heard and they should visit with your intended. Especially since I have heard that the peaceful local demons have wished you much wealth from her womb."
"I know she is not ready for that yet." He took the scroll back. "Could it be true?"
Loki nodded. "If it was a fake, it wouldn't have the seal." Thor slumped, staring at him. "Why they would start suddenly I do not know."
"Unless they heard of that blessing?"
"Or they heard that she had nearly carried a child but the magic against her was effective that time." Thor slumped more. "I know not how to help you with that while down here, Thor, and I doubt us being up there would make it more safe for anyone. There are people down here who would take Jane to see if your relations warped her any."
"I have heard." He nodded. "Come talk with us. This is sneaky thinking that I do not have but you excel at." Loki got up, changing his clothes with a thought and some magic. They went up to the lab and Thor leaned into Jane's lab. "Jane, Darcy, we must speak with your brother. Come please?"
Darcy looked at him. "Huge shit? Like you have to go be crowned huge shit?"
"Worse," he admitted. "Please?" They closed up everything and went with him up to the conference room, where Steve Rogers was asking Xander about a few local species. "Steven, we must speak."
"This looks bad, Thor. Can I help?"
"I know not yet," he admitted quietly. "It is that bad though."
Steve nodded, patting him on the arm. "Let me know where I can help." He left them to talk.
"What happened?" Jane asked. Thor sighed and handed over the scroll. Loki cast the translation charm for them, letting it hover over the parchment scroll. "Oh God."
Darcy looked at her brother. "This is why they shouldn't realize?" He nodded. "You knew this when?"
"Earlier today. I knew it wasn't a good idea for that information to get out because it would lead to snotty whore syndrome landing on top of you."
"Snotty whore syndrome?" Jane asked.
"You remember those girls that got really mad if the less popular kids were prettier or had things they wanted and thought were cool?" Darcy asked her. Jane nodded. "That's snotty whore syndrome. In this case it means they'd be jealous I could do things they couldn't." She flopped into a chair. "Any idea if it's been taken up?"
"I got it from a friend who is Vanir," Xander said. "One Heimdall introduced me to."
"Shit," Darcy said.
"Yeah," he agreed, nodding. "This is not the news I wanted to bring. I wanted to be the bearer of glad tidings since the local community has sent a blessing on your marriage bed to have a wealth from Jane's womb." Jane shivered. "Then this fell into my lap with a note from my contact." He pulled out the note to hand over to Thor.
"No one would have told our friends," Thor admitted, considering it.
Loki looked at him. "You have school friends, Thor. Many related to the Council."
"I do. I..." He pushed his hair back then sighed. "This is not a good thing to have happen."
"Are they careful enough to not hit anyone extra?" Jane asked quietly. Thor stared at her. "Would they use a surgical strike like a sniper or just blow up a building?"
"Or summon a huge monster," Xander suggested.
"There are ways around the nine realms through portals that do not go near the Bridge," Loki said.
Xander nodded. "I know. I know some dwarves who came that way to get away from politics. They fixed my special axe twice now and did a fantastic job healing her."
Darcy patted him on the hand. "Why would they come for me?"
"Because you keep Jane going," he said, grinning at her. "She's your friend and you've been on the possible high risk hostage list for years now, Darce. Against me, against Jane and the team here." His sister winced but nodded. "I don't know how to get around this. If I knew who had started it I could suggest more strategies but it would be a battle of honor instead of sneaking in and stabbing them while they slept. Or poisoning them with a succuba."
Thor scowled. "That is without honor, Xander."
"Sometimes you gotta be less than honorable," he shot back. "It wouldn't be the first time I bribed a succuba to go take out a target I couldn't get to."
"We have no way of telling such," Loki admitted, considering it.
"Natasha's probably done that sort of job in the past," Darcy admitted. "They never expect that sort of happy ending." Loki nodded that was true. She looked at him. "Though if you cause Jane problems I might send one at you. Maybe three or four so you don't know when it's the last one." She smiled.
"I sent one with a seriously bad case of VD she was clearing into a war camp," Xander said proudly. "She had a lot of fun spreading it around to clear it from her system. She even accelerated it so it gave them bad problems sooner. Within six months that whole camp was sick enough that they were ordered to take themselves out so it wouldn't spread to other units." He smirked at Loki. "I believe one of your priests was there because I heard him moaning about how that happened."
"I heard," he admitted, looking smug. "It was an inspired plan. Little risk and you could free the hostages better as their brains were being rotted by their diseases."
Thor shook his head quickly. "It's not the way of honorable combat but I know Xander dealt with things that honor had nothing to do with." Xander nodded at that. "What would be the easiest way of them doing things without tipping their hands?"
"Hiring an assassin," Xander said. "They usually won't give up clients and if they're in touch with the realm down here, there's the Order of Taraka. Demon and not assassin's guild."
Thor blinked at him. "I have heard that name." He looked at Jane, who was staring out the window. He looked to make sure there wasn't a threat. He patted over her hair then looked at his brother.
"I concur. They would hire someone quietly efficient. As a second point they could summon a few larger things that would possibly take out the team as well. Thereby robbing you of any help."
Thor sat down, sighing at the end. "I can see that happening. We have had some stupidly weird attacks." He rubbed his forehead, looking at Xander. "Is there other news?"
"Two things. The dwarf princess I helped save? She's being married soon and you're probably going to be an invitation. Which would be a safe trip to meet people at." Thor smiled slightly and nodded. "And the fact that there's been a breach from Asgard itself because I had a vision last night about a shiny gold building having a sudden new doorway and three beings sneaking out." He slid down his journal.
Thor read it. "That is not the prison at least. That is the Hall of Warriors."
"Like the ones that're frozen by mythology?" Jane asked. "Held in stasis to later defend Valhalla?"
"No, that building's white and silver," Xander said. Darcy glared at him. "What?" he asked patiently.
"How do you know?"
"Because I was there twice," he admitted. "And then there was Janus, who said I had things I had to do." She stood up so fast her chair tipped over. "Calm down, Darcy. Really. Please?"
"Excuse me? You fucking died and you want me to be calm!"
He pulled her over to hug her. "I got better and it was a huge battle that was sicced on me. They would've destroyed everything." She struggled so he cuddled her. "I'm sorry you didn't hear. I didn't want to worry you."
"Are you immortal?" Jane asked. Xander shook his head. "Then why did he bring you back?"
"Because no one else would stop humanity from dying at that moment," he told her simply. "I kept waking up in a hospital and then got told I had suddenly realived myself."
Darcy pulled back to look at him. "Why you?"
"Because if necessary I can create the thing that would end humanity," he reminded her. "And that may just end up saving it some year soon. Dawn and I are important for that, Darce." She slapped him. He cuddled her again, holding her hands in her lap. "I get enough of that from slayers who realize I saved their asses." Thor was giving him an odd look. "The first was with Alanthanor." Thor shuddered and so did Loki. "Someone woke him up. He was not a happy evil deity. The other was Percator," he finished more quietly. "I had to go back by two days to stop him before he set off the demon imbibed disease that would have taken out everyone. He was tricked into releasing it but I hated to stop him. I kinda miss him even though he was tricked into releasing it."
Thor stared at him. "That is bad." Xander nodded. "Was it stopped?"
"Yeah. I got there in time to stop the trickster trying to make him release it by killing it in front of him. He looked at the bloody goo now splattered on him then realized it was purple. He looked up at me and asked if that was really necessary. So I showed him what my phone had taped from a few days from then. The bottle was keyed to his essence and he demanded I take him out to make it safe. It's locked away very heavily." He grinned. "Unless I have to release it on Asgard to avenge my sister." She slapped him again. He held her hands down again. "You know I will."
"Uh-huh." Darcy looked at Thor. "I wouldn't let him do that. I'd so nag from the afterlife."
Thor smiled slightly, nodding. "You do fuss very well, Darcy." He looked at Jane, taking her hand to hold. "We will figure this out."
"Yes we can," she agreed, staring at him. "I don't want to get you killed, Thor." Xander coughed something and Darcy squeaked. "What was that?" Jane demanded.
"I said EPT," Xander said, staring at her. "Like soon. You're glowing, Jane." Her eyes went wide and a hand went to her abdomen. Darcy got up to drag Jane with her. He looked at Thor, who was a bit smug. "I wouldn't share that news either. There's stupid humans like the NID idiots." Thor nodded at that. "If you need my help you only have to ask, Thor."
"I will. Are you going to escape before your sister swats you again?"
"Yup. She's already given me claw marks with those slaps." He handed down the notice of blessing and picked up his backpack to leave quickly. He could hear Jane fussing in the hallway.
Thor looked at it then handed it down to Loki for him to look at. Loki smiled, handing it back. "How do I protect her?"
"That you get help for, Thor. You have those who will help you and they would be in much the same straights." Thor nodded at that, slumping in his seat. "Are you not pleased?"
"Aye, but I cannot foresee her moving up our nuptials due to the child. Mother would have been peeved."
Loki smirked. "Perhaps but a grandchild would soothe such tempers. Even hers." Thor nodded that was true. "I will make contact with those I know. You call down the Warriors Three and Sif. They would gladly guard that which is yours. Both of them." Thor nodded, going to call on Heimdall to find them. Loki looked up and mentally swore about his adopted father's people. How stupid they were and petty on top of it. Though many would do horrific things in the name of power. "Maybe I should take over Asgard instead of Midgard. It seems weaker than the various messes down here." He got up and went to call his people over that amusing phone network. It was quaint but not traceable with Asgard technology.
***
Darcy leaned into the lab. "Hey, Thor wants a team meeting," she called over the music. "ASAP, super important plus news, guys." Bruce and Tony looked at her. "Like now now. Hurry up. I have to get Pepper and Hill." She walked off. They shared a look and wiped off the grease they had on them before going up to the main living area. Thor had the meeting set up in the conference room, so that was weird. Darcy came back with Pepper and Hill followed a minute later. Darcy counted heads then closed and sealed the door. "JARVIS, we need total privacy, no one can hear or see it later, and it's going to be a lot of yelling."
"I understand, Darcy," the AI said patiently. "I heard earlier. Congratulations, Lord Thor, and I hope you can mitigate that disaster."
"Thank thee, JARVIS," he said. He was standing almost totally stiff and still. They were all staring at him. "We have two problems. One comes from home. Loki has managed to talk to those who would hear the darker corner's speeches." He tossed the scroll onto the table. "And this becomes greater of importance as we need to move our nuptials up so my future child is legitimate and no one can say anything later."
Pepper took the scroll to look at, frowning at the virtual display that popped up above it to translate it. "Did your father sign this order?" she asked, handing it off.
"Nay. The Council behind him did. They speak in his name in this case." He looked at Jane then at the others. "I fear we will all be harmed by this and I do not know how to mitigate it without running like a cowardly child."
"Would they take Jane out if she's pregnant?" Natasha asked. Jane nodded. "We're sure?"
"Yep," Darcy said. "We asked Heimdall too and he warned Jane to be healthy and hale but cautious. This gave them more reason."
"That's foul," Steve said. "But I guess it's not the first time people have wanted a throne and taken out the heirs."
"If the throne does not pass onto someone of the blood of Odin, anointed and claimed by him, then the protections on Asgard fall," Thor said. "That is why I'm not in danger."
Jane shifted. "Also, this may not be the only baby. We were blessed by the local demon community with a wealth from my womb."
Steve grinned. "Babies have a way of making things look different from what I've seen." She nodded. "Would it matter if it was a girl instead of a boy?"
Thor considered it. "They may claim a first born female to be a bad omen but they would leave it be once a son came into being. We have much equality except in the throne's sitter."
"So we need to protect Jane and Darcy," Clint said. Thor nodded. "We need to expect to be attacked by that sort so you're more alone. Anything we're missing that we have to figure out?"
"I'm told there's humans who would want to take the child as an experiment," Thor said.
"Yes there are," Hill agreed. "And if I see them they're getting blown away, Thor. We can up security around your family." Thor smiled and nodded once.
"Sure, two fucked up groups instead of one," Clint agreed, nodding slightly. "Any idea of methods or timing?"
"Xander thought that they might hire an assassin," Darcy said. "Or they might magically summon something huge for us to fight."
"People like that don't fight their own battles," Natasha said, considering it. "Could you sidestep it with a battle for honor or some such?" Thor shrugged, sitting down finally. "Hmm. Then we will compare options and be aware of how bad this can be. I'm assuming we're considering Darcy to be a target to get Jane and Thor into the open?"
"I don't like the idea that I'm about to become a bimbo girlfriend from a comic book," Darcy said. "Then my brother pointed out people might take me to get back at him too." She rolled her eyes. "By the way I need to smite my little brother a tiny bit soon. Just avoid the yelling fit, people."
"We gladly will," Steve said with a smile for her. "What did he do this time?"
"He didn't tell me he had been revived. Twice." Steve winced. "Yeah!" She nodded. "I'm *so* going to smite him for not telling me."
"We can lock you two in a gym," Stark assured her. "It might help him get closer to normal again."
"Normal's relative, Stark," she quipped. "Look at how normal we all are."
"Point." He looked at Thor. "I can increase the security protocols so they're stricter. Hill can train some of the guards to be tougher." She nodded, making her notes. "We can make sure Jane and Darcy don't go anywhere alone if we think it'll help."
"It was suggested I bring down my friends to help me," Thor said.
"Hey, we've got a few spare apartments," Tony said with a nod and a smile. "If that's what you need, then you need their help. They'd know more about what could be coming from your home than we would." Thor relaxed and nodded. "Besides, I wanted to flirt with Sif to see if she blushes."
Darcy looked down at him, shaking her head. "I tried, she doesn't. Even if you suggest filthy encounters sexually she'll just smile and ask when's a good time."
"Cool. We need more blunt people around here." He looked at Bruce then at Jane. "Have you seen any of our docs?"
"Not yet," she admitted. "I had JARVIS scan me earlier." She looked at Darcy. "What did you do that made your brother panic and tell you to never speak of it again?"
"Um...." She looked around then got up and walked over to where Thor's hammer was sitting on the table. "Hey, MewMew, can I kinda move you for a minute?" She picked up the hammer and it hummed in her hand then she put it down in front of Thor. "That way you're not in the sun, little one. Thor's got to condition your leather strap, it's getting dried out." She sat down.
Steve cleared his throat. "Oh, well...." He looked around then at her. "Congratulations. We all tried."
She smiled. "MewMew's sentient. She might not be fully wise and able to self will things but she's a smart lady and last night I was polishing her when I found her on my table."
"I had left her when I felt the desire to pounce my intended," Thor admitted, looking at Jane, who was blushing.
"Little brother thinks that the same sort would see me able to do that as warping," Darcy told the group. "That he and MewMew had been warped by being down here."
Stark looked at her. Then he shook his head with a sigh. "Yeah, we won't tell anyone you can do the cleaning stuff for her." Thor called his hammer a female so he'd go with that. He looked at the closed shades on the window. "So we need to find an OB for Jane. We need to put up a lot more protections. Should we ask someone like Strange?" Thor nodded slowly, considering it. "I can do that."
"I've asked Dawn about ones that she could do," Darcy admitted. "She squealed about needing pregnancy protecting rune wards. She'll be up this weekend to do those before she goes to Spain."
"Spain?" Hill demanded. "Why Spain?"
"Masters program for artifact stuff," Darcy quipped. "Her sister had a huge hissy."
"There's none in the US?"
"Russia and China," Darcy said with a smile.
"Then I think Spain would be good for her," she agreed, frowning some. "I'll pass that news along so she's not upset by anything over there. They might be more scared of Xander though."
"She's had some problems about Mortimer until she pointed out Mortimer wasn't an invasive species and wasn't really an animal. It was like her bringing in a vine plant that could only breed by planting some of it. She got her visa finally all worked out yesterday."
"Great," Hill agreed. She pulled out her tablet to tap out a message to someone. "Any other charming news?"
"One of the realived times, Xander had to take out a former lover he kinda still misses because he had been tricked into releasing a demon plague. Someone sent him back by two days to realive him and let him handle the trickster demon who was prompting it and set it to the guy's DNA." She looked at her. "He said it's very sealed up. So that's probably in the Barcelona vault. Which he said was a former Council storage vault so probably much safer than the other ones."
Hill's look at her had to be classified as unamused but horrified. There wasn't any other way to describe it. Darcy smirked and nodded. "The other one, Janus brought him back to life to finish the battle he had died in. The slayers are going to scream like hell when they hear he made it to Valhalla. Twice." Hill slumped. "Which is why I need to beat his ever living ass until he begs for forgiveness for not telling me this shit."
"We'll put privacy protocols on the gym we lock you two in the next time he shows up," Stark assured her. He looked at Bruce. "Could a demonic disease be destroyed?"
He shrugged. "No idea. I'd assume most of them could."
"Releasing it to make an antidote may activate it," Hill said. "We have a stolen sample of another one that isn't all that harsh but it's demonic flu. It has a case that will burn whoever touches it. HYDRA lost about ten people raiding that vault thanks to that self destruct mechanism."
"Jeez, that's nice," Steve said. "Can't we destroy them instead of keeping a sample?"
"Destroying the container would release it," Hill said. "It was discussed about sending it into space and having it launched toward the sun but we couldn't be certain it wouldn't land somewhere else and be picked up later."
"We have no way of destroying that sort of thing either," Thor admitted. "That I know of." He shook his head quickly. "It's nearly as bad as her brother sending in a diseased succuba to take out a militia band that was upsetting people." Darcy broke out in giggles. Thor shook his head again. "Then he promised to do such if Asgard hurt his sister."
"He is highly overprotective of her," Clint agreed sarcastically, glancing at Darcy, who shrugged.
"He pointed out I might get taken to get back at him too. Most of his ex's like that he has a sibling so I'm not sure which groups that would be. Hill, any ideas?"
"Many but I'd have to check to see which ones he's slept with. I'll try to make a list later for you. That way we're aware of the threat index." She looked at Jane. Then at Thor. "When will your friends be here? I'd like to arrange some sparring time against Sif to test myself."
"Hopefully soon. Heimdall sent for them." He smiled slightly. "She is a great warrior."
"She is and I'm highly impressed with her," Maria Hill agreed. "Even Nick Fury was impressed with her skills." Thor smiled and nodded once. "I'll get to work on the new protocols tonight." Everyone nodded. "Jane, I'll get you and Darcy emergency switches."
"I play with things in my pockets when I have them," Darcy warned. "I totally push buttons and wiggle things, Hill."
"I'll make sure it's got a dual switch then." She left, frowning on her way down to her office to call a security team leader meeting. She ran into Melinda May down there. "We have a huge problem."
"I saw the email about Summers going to Spain. Related?"
"Someone on Asgard doesn't want Thor's future heir to be born from a human." Melinda winced. "They have a nice price on her head to make sure of it."
"He's not going to be amused. He was slightly amused at the paperwork that got filed about Summer's pet."
"Mortimer's actually very comforting to her. He pets her hair and cuddles her all the time," Hill said dryly, smiling slightly. "He likes Darcy too."
Melinda May nodded. "Still really weird she has a tiny kraken as a pet."
"Apparently it helps when demonic assassins show up to take her out for Buffy. Her college had a few reports with him mentioned."
"Charming. Coulson will be having mylanta for dinner I'm sure." She and Hill shared a slight smile. "Can I help with the new protocols?"
"Please. We're going to have to hire some more guards too, just so Jane and Darcy aren't left unguarded. She just realized they might come for her to get her brother's attention."
"Oh, dear. To be that young and naive again," May said sarcastically. "Was she mentioned in that contract?" Hill nodded. "Crap."
"Her statement was a bit more filthy. I do need you to get the full files on what Harris has done. Including battles that he never noted to anyone. Especially the one where he died and got brought back by a chaos god to finish it. Please? His sister would like to know."
"I can try. Most of those were wiped."
"Stark found some on country specific servers."
"I'll see what I can do. It'd be a great movie night for the trainees." She got off the edge of the desk and shook Hill's hand. "Let me know where we can help." She left before anyone else spotted her.
Hill went to her called meeting. She shut the door behind herself. "We have to raise the protocols for the tower and the team due to a threat from Asgard. Some of Thor's friends are showing up to help but we're not sure how the threat will take place. It is specifically a threat against Jane Foster and/or Darcy Lewis."
***
A Harris and a Half.