The Wicked Ways of Angry Women
"Revenge on my ex. I need good ideas before I go fully evil," Darcy Lewis complained. "Jane, I need bad ideas before mine take over and we're all looked at like we're evil bitches."
"You are an evil bitch, that's why I can't get anything done," Jane complained. "If you're that mad at your ex, have the IRS audit him by calling in that he told you he had off-shore accounts or something."
Darcy considered that. "No, that's too easy." She pouted. "I have the idea of all evilness but am I really *that* evil, Jane?"
"Yup, you sure can be," she said impatiently. "Just...do whatever you gotta do to get over him, Darcy. I'm sure we'll all be in awe of you."
Darcy sighed but looked up types of monsters she might like to use. She really did have to shake this idea but it would be so *fitting*. It really would. She didn't want to be a hater but her ex deserved it a lot. Permanently actually with the way he had cheated on her and then blamed her for him bringing home an STD. Which is how she had found out he had been cheating on her because she came back from the doctor's appointment to find her ex and his slut in their bed.
She had nicely pointed out that somehow, with one of them *obviously* cheating, they had brought home an STD. She pointed out she hadn't cheated, so that left one reason why. He had gotten up and screamed and ranted and then she had offered to let him kill himself for her pleasure. He had called the landlord to tell them they were moving out.
Which was fine with Darcy. She had a paycheck now and could get another apartment and she had kept all their stuff before she burned him and his lover on the bed. But she didn't like arson, it affected other people all too often and she wasn't the sort for collateral damage. He had to move in with his girlfriend, the STD carrier. She had even kept the clothes he had there, just so she could destroy them or sell them. That made her grin in remembrance. The sale had paid for the deposit on the new apartment she had. Darcy made a list of attributes she wanted and got up to go to the biology lab, where she temped now and then.
A few hours later, someone knocked on Jane's window and Tony Stark leaned in. "Why is Lewis in biology?" he asked.
"Because that was her original major before she found ethics," Jane said absently. "Since she switched schools and didn't tell them about the other classes, they couldn't count her science credits. Why?"
"She's using the system to make up mythical hentai monsters, Foster. Do we think this is a problem?"
"Only for her ex-boyfriend, the slut." She looked at him. "It'll be fine. It won't bother us at all."
He glared. "We can't be associated with that level of asshole, Foster. Go stop her."
"Go for it. I didn't manage it earlier."
"Fine." He walked off muttering all the way to the other end of the hall. He tapped then walked in. "Lewis, I didn't realize you were a biologist."
"Yup." She tipped her head and got back into the programming of the creature.
"You can't create sentient lifeforms unless you're pregnant, Lewis. It's in the contract."
"I didn't sign on as a science person, Stark. I signed on as an assistant." She grinned at him. "The only really bad clause was that we'd split the proceeds of anything I choose to create and then trademark while on duty. You probably put that in there in case Jane hid things by using my name." She went back to it. "Besides, I'm not nearly at the Avengers level of evil yet."
"Uh-huh. You're heading there by plodding down that highway." She snorted, shaking her head. "What are you doing?" He pulled her chair away from the table, something she'd done to him a few times when she needed his attention. "You creeped out JARVIS, Lewis. What're you doing?"
"I'm going to have a talk with my ex-boyfriend, the skanky ho." She smiled. "Because he gave me the clap thanks to his girlfriend being a club girl." Stark shuddered, tensing up and curling in on himself slightly. "I'm just looking at options right now. There's so much I have to decide about my design first. How many tentacles does a good monster have anyway?"
"Um, any. Yeah, any tentacles makes it a monster."
"Shoot." She considered it and scooted back to the computer to go back to her simulations. "Maybe I'll make a garden of them and he can live the high life as their caretaker. He does like to garden." She considered it, tipping her head again then smiled and nodded, making that note. That let her split it into a few different monsters. So she could have one with two tentacles and one that had fifty. Or maybe more. Go big or go home!
"Geez, you even do the talking out loud thing we do, Lewis. Seriously, stop it. No making monsters on Stark time."
She grinned at him. "But Tony! It'll be a great help. I'll let you borrow them for the next one who tries to take over the company and everything."
"Pepper might like that," he complained. "But that would make us look evil."
She grinned. "I miss my evil days. I really do. If I hadn't taken that sociology class in my first college, I'd never have realized what empathy was. And now I'm burdened with it." She huffed. "Maybe I can use it on Odin too." She got back to typing.
Tony saved her work then rolled her chair out and up the hallway. "If you're into biology why didn't you understand Jane's work?"
"Because I'm not into physics too and even Jane doesn't understand Jane's work most of the time." She grinned and waved at Banner. "He thinks I'm going too evil."
Bruce blinked a few times. "I have no stick to measure that by, Darcy."
"I'm going to fondly remember my ex on our former anniversary." She beamed. Tony pushed her on. "Sorry, he's being the boss again!" She waved and grinned at him.
"Oh, shit," Bruce Banner muttered, going to hide in his lab. He had no idea how evil women could really be but his ex-girlfriend had been a bit evil herself. Darcy could probably do better at it because she wasn't locked into one stream of how to do it. He listened to Tony complaining at Jane and Darcy.
"There is no making hentai pokemons on Stark time, Lewis! At all!"
"Fine, I can do it after hours." She beamed. "That's not a problem. Jane's here all night anyway."
"Still Stark time."
"Fine, I'll do it at home." She grinned. Tony shuddered and clenched up like he was about to shit himself then walked off huffing to talk to Pepper about stopping her.
Yup, Bruce was right, he did not want to know or be involved. At all. Women could do evil a lot better than men could and her ex probably deserved it anyway.
A few months later, Darcy was feeding some plant specimens when Jane came in cranky. She stared at them then at Darcy. "Why do we have a spider plant, a large vine thing, and a mushroom colony?"
Darcy grinned. "Green, growing things help improve circulation, Jane. You need all the oxygen you can get."
"If they're monsters, I want them out of the lab, Darcy."
"I'd never let the monsters in here. They might like your portals and try to open one." Jane huffed but walked to her desk to get to work. Darcy fed them all her favorite growing solution. She had tested a few and had accidentally killed her fourth little plant friend, so she was rebuilding him at home from a new seed.
"There you go, little guys. Grow big and strong so you can give Jane more oxygen. Her giant brain needs it so she doesn't forget to do things like call her mother yesterday." Jane winced and checked the time but did call her mother, walking out of the lab to get some privacy. She grinned. "Such good little friends. Pretty soon you'll be big enough for a new real friend too. You three and Horsy can all party with him together. Yeah, you can do that." She fed them more water then sat down to get back to work.
Stark paused to stare at her but walked off shaking his head since she was working on one of Jane's spreadsheets. Maybe she'd gift Pepper with a baby plant. She might like to have use of it. It could really do Stark Industries good to have one of her plants on hand sometimes. Industrial spies would probably never show up again. She glared at the spy in the lab across the hall, making her smirk back. So she sent Stark an email about her. That afternoon she was arrested by the FBI. That was nice of them. It didn't even bother Jane because she was in math land again.
Darcy finished the plans for her stupid ex's new life, including having the small house bought and renovated as necessary. All his stuff in storage was now there. She just had to get him there. So she set the plants up and patted each one, making sure they had their special growth chemicals available in a tub near them. She sent a nice note to her ex and got out of there.
She waited up the street, watching as he drove up and got out to go talk to his current girlfriend, supposedly. She was actually in the hospital thanks to a car accident Darcy had nothing to do with. The Hulk had scared her when she was fleeing from a battle so she had run into one of those four star, no food restaurants uptown. Darcy sipped her coffee as he slipped inside. He shut the door and the locks came down. She smiled, catching a bus back to the lab.
Six days, an agent was at the lab, knocking to get their attention before walking in. "Miss Lewis, I'm Agent Abelsome with the FBI."
"Yes, dear. What can I help you with?"
"Your ex is missing and it's said you're fairly nasty toward him. I need to ask, have you seen him recently?"
"Yes, actually I have. I was uptown picking up something from the seamstress that fits my pants better and I saw him going into a house up in Queens." She shrugged. "I walked the other way before I hissed at him or threw a punch."
"Oh, I see. Do you remember where in Queens?"
"My seamstress is at ...." She dug out the receipt. She had actually been picking up something. "Then I got coffee from the little shop that's in the direction of Harlem by about two blocks. I took the bus stop on the next block going that same direction to get back here."
"Okay." He took that down. "I know it's listed that you bought a house then sold it to him?"
"It's a very cheap, broken down house in Atlanta. So he had to leave the city I'm in. It was like twenty-grand. I got a loan and he had to flee his last girlfriend because he was apparently a d-bag again. We broke up because I came home from finding out I had an STD to find the reason in our bed with him." The agent nodded once, making a note of that.
"And he's had seventeen since then. No idea if he ever got it treated or not. He's *supposed* to be paying off the loan. It's just like him to disappear and leave me with bills. When I found them he threw a fit at me for him having cheated and then told the landlord we'd be moving within a week. I had to go behind his back to fix all that with the landlord, who was most gracious and let me ship him off and move mine less fast." She swung her chair a bit. "If I can help I'll gladly do that so he doesn't stick me with that loan, Agent Abelsome."
He nodded. "If we can find him we'll remind him of that, Miss Lewis. Thank you for your help. Are you going to be local for a bit?"
She smiled and waved a hand at Jane. "She doesn't have a conference for six months and I wanted to go to a music festival but it got canceled." She shrugged.
"That's fine. If we find him we'll be in touch." He left, looking upset. Something wasn't quite fishy about her story but it was a bit odd. He traced that seamstress and coffee shop to a few neighborhoods and went up to wander around to see if he could spot him. Nothing overt so he went to check the city cameras. They kept film for a few months usually.
He spotted the victim's car and where it had parked, going back to that house to check on it. It was still an active residence, the electric was on. He could see lights through the curtains. He knocked and the man he wanted answered but he looked rough. "Sir, it was reported that you were missing by your girlfriend. Apparently you missed a court date."
The man blinked at him. "The plant masters said I had to stay," he said in a quiet voice. "I have to listen to them."
"Um..." He looked around at the plant in the living room. It was huge. "Sir, did you breed that plant?"
"I..." He swallowed. "I don't know." He sounded almost hysterical. "But I love it! I really do." He went to show his love for the plant by letting it stick a vine in his mouth to suck on. And it clearly moved itself.
"Okay, sure. We'll let people know that you didn't disappear, sir." He closed the door, backed away slowly, and called for backup. His boss was amused but they got a remote camera put in so they could see through the curtains. The guy was still giving the plant a blow job and it looked like there were a few other plants in the small house too. Agent Abelsome looked at his boss. "I know he's a botanist."
"By career," he agreed with a nod. "The background check never mentioned anything like this though." They watched the output from the camera, shuddering. "I've seen something like that in those animated porn movies when we found them on a bust."
"Hentai," Agent Abelsome agreed with a nod. "How do we deal with that? If we kill them in front of him or around him he might hurt himself or us. Or he could snap and try to kill us."
"Let's...get him out of there and we'll have someone look at the plants." That got a nod and he called in the main branch. Who called someone at the National Garden for the Smithsonian. They hurried up and watched the cameras all night with them. The next day they went to get the guy out of the house to go to the courthouse for the hearing he had missed. Pure BS but it got him out of the house. The guy dressed nicely and was wearing real clothes this time. He looked put together and sane. The agent had him escorted there and once they were out of sight he let the botanist in to look at the plants.
"They're emitting some kind of friendship scent but nothing that makes me want to screw them," he reported. "So I'm guessing he grew them and had a chemical accident."
"Can we kill them off and get him help?" the senior agent said.
"Yes, you can probably detox him and get him help. I'm not sure if they'll have any remaining taint. As for killing them, yes we can. I want to take some cuttings so I can keep a sample in case someone else manages it or he handed some off." They shrugged and let him do what he had to do then he killed all three plants. The mushroom one was trying to tempt him to touch its tongue but he just shook his head and ignored it as he poured in a plant killing compound.
It shrieked as it died but oh well. Better safe than a mushroom tentacle monster's special friend. The senior agent called in to take the guy to Bellevue to get examined and admitted. His agent had already done that when the guy had started to talk about loving how his plants' tentacles caressed him. The doctors there had not been amused and it had only taken a few minutes to get him admitted to the psych facilities there. With a lot of drugs for now.
The agents cleared the house, had the electric turned off, and took the chemicals they found to be tested. Super plant food. Though they did find an interesting fingerprint. Agent Abelsome went to talk to Darcy again, smiling at her. "We found your fingerprint in the house he was living in."
"On his things?" she guessed. "I had them sent into storage."
"On a big tub that contained plant chemicals."
"Oh, that thing." She nodded. "I moved that thing more than once and it ended up in my storage area so I had to move it to his." She shrugged. "Sorry to give you happies, Agent Abelsome. Where did you find him?"
"In a house with very ...concerning plant samples."
Darcy nodded slowly. "Wow. Well, he's a botanist." She shrugged, looking at Jane, who was looking at her oddly. She looked at the agent again. "Was one of them the spider plant baby I left in his storage area to torment him from it dying? It spread too fast so I had a large cutting I threw in with his things so he'd be pouty about it."
"How did you get into his storage area?"
She smiled. "He didn't pay for security. It was a you-keep-the-key place and I only needed my boobs. They did the actual putting in for me." She rolled her eyes. "Some guys will do a lot for a pretty girl with boobs."
The agent sighed but nodded. "Do you have any knowledge of that house he was in, Miss Lewis?"
"Beyond seeing him going into it? Not that I'm aware of. I noticed someone had been in my bank account but if I turned them in, the guys he paid for doing some work would get charged instead of him so I changed accounts and things to make sure he couldn't get into it. I had forgotten to change our savings account and the former household checking one. But he stomped off and left me with the checkbook and it was in my name because he had bad credit."
"Okay, I can look into that and not charge the workmen or whoever."
She pulled out reports. "Here. I looked the up when I saw the entries. They're a small construction firm. Not totally legit but I wasn't about to have them charged for my ex doing stupid shit like that. I was getting ready to sue him for it." She pulled out those papers to hand over. "I was going to file it next week when I heard how this was going on."
"You waited three months?"
"I've been busy." She waved a hand at Jane. "She's been on a major science binge and I haven't gotten out of the lab in under eighteen hours a day since February." Jane moaned but nodded that was true. "You can check with security if you want. Our badges are logged in."
"I'll do that if I have to, Miss Lewis." He put the papers into his file. "As of right now, your ex is alive. In Bellevue's psychiatric portion. We unfortunately found him having carnal relations with his plant friends."
"Yeah, we have a few botanists around here who could too," Jane admitted with a grimace. "So damn weird but they're into plants so we can't judge unless they try to feed their plants people."
Agent Abelsome winced. "Okay, I didn't realize that was an occupational hazard. Um, Miss Lewis, what do you know about that plant food?"
"Is it the one I made from my senior project? It's a kick ass organic growing compound. If I hadn't found ethics I would've presented it fairly easily. With proof as I was doing a side-by-side test against miracle grow." She shrugged. "Then I took humanities classes and discovered empathy and ethics."
"You were in botany yourself?"
"Biology. Probably heading towards zoology but the program I was in was plant species heavy so I had to lean their direction. I was planning on working with endangered species breeding. Be the Dr. Ruth of the animal world." She grinned. "Then I found out about empathy and suddenly it's like I overdosed on it. Which is why I'd never kill an ex like him. Probably. But Thor did make sure I didn't hit him with a car."
"That's good of Thor, ma'am. All right. If we need to talk to you again, we'll find you." He left, going back to his office. He had taped that one for his boss's listening. His boss looked over all the paperwork. Agent Abelsome shook his head. "I have a gut feeling she knew something but not everything and she was somehow involved."
"We can't prove anything well enough to even get a minor misdemeanor on her." He put the papers down. "We've been watching that construction firm. I remember seeing the name earlier. They were money laundering and they could've done all those specialty grow lights. They've done a few grow houses in the past. We can see if anything in their records outside this leads back to her. If not, she's squeaky until she does it to another ex boyfriend."
"Fine. I'll go ask the agents over that myself."
"Oh, great." He went to talk to him about that address and the construction team. They had it noted that they had worked there. Untraceable generic email sent from a starbucks through a VPN and an off-shore router. It looked like the email had been forwarded from the generic 'plant-man@yahoo' account to one at a college in England then sent through a VPN when they tried to track it. Lewis had been in the coffee shop but so had the victim. And he had been working on a laptop; she had been shopping on her phone apparently. Through a VPN but not that one. So it was a true dead end. She might have suspected and that's what he was getting but he couldn't prove a single thing.
Clint Barton walked the funko pop of the talking plant from Little Shop of Horrors in and handed it to Darcy. He kissed her on the forehead then walked off giggling. She smiled and put her new statue on the top of her desk so it was in a good, safe spot.
Jane looked over then at Darcy. "I'm going to have to make sure you don't have more evil ideas, aren't I?"
Darcy grinned. "Nah. If the new date I have tonight works out he can do it for you for a while." She smiled at Natasha Romanoff as she came in. "Did you see the sweet thing Clint got me?" She pointed at it. "It's adorable!"
"He heard about your ex-boyfriend, Darcy. What did he do?"
"From what Agent Abelsome said, he made himself some new friends that couldn't give him an STD." She shrugged. "Not my thing."
"From the pictures taken of the house, you had similar plants to those."
"Yes and they disappeared." She dug out the report from her email to show her.
"Oh. I didn't hear about that breach." She let her have the keyboard back. "It was most amusing that he did that."
Darcy grinned and nodded. "It was. Kinda sad but at least he had happy friends."
"Do you think people should worry that he's passed on samples of them?"
"I have no idea. Did they check the lawn for spore coverage?"
"I had not thought of natural spores," she admitted. "I'll have someone go burn that lawn and the house."
Darcy shrugged. "That's fine I guess. I'd have to see what he wanted."
"He's in no condition to speak, much less make decisions. We may have to get a court order however." She considered it. "If the FBI doesn't confiscate it as a crime scene." She took a deep breath. "A few people have noted that you're presently single and perhaps even moping. Should I mine contacts for you?"
"No, I have a date tonight." She smiled. "It's looking promising. He's in one of my master's classes."
"Ah. All right. Let me know how it goes and if you need help with a new date." She left to share that idea with Clint and Agent Abelsome, who had asked her to talk to Darcy about him. He had the whole house and lawn burned and had the neighborhood checked for indications of spores. They didn't want someone innocent to run into those plants.
Darcy swung around a few times. "I wonder how hard it is to make a real pokemon? Maybe a pikachu? There are golden rat species already so you'd just have to breed for the electric eel tendencies I guess."
"No! You're not allowed to make yourself a pokemon!" Jane complained. "Not at all, Darcy! Not that you'd get to keep it because Thor would snatch it as a relative but still! No! No creating monsters, pocket or otherwise!"
"Okay, I guess I won't." Jane glared but got back to her math. "Want some coffee?"
"Please." She held out her cup. Darcy got some for her and let her sip it while they both worked on Jane's science things.
The End. Hopefully since this idea got me up at 3 in the morning to write it.
The Wicked Ways of Angry Women