Tony was at his third congressional hearing. He smiled at the staring senators. "You wanted to talk to me, Senators?"
"Agent DiNozzo, are you trying to bring down your agency?"
"No, I'm just fighting back from the plots that started. From the three terrorist groups in the FBI that I turned in, to my director trying to play politics without a full hand, to the current lawsuit to get my own retirement back and to undo the backdating of my firing date because that'll screw up a few cases that have already been decided.
"Including about six rape cases and a group that decided to get drugged up and sacrifice a few other probies in their group to make it to the level of general." He clasped his hands on the table and leaned forward some. "I'm only fighting for what's mine by rights. She pushed at me, I pushed back. And then she decided to warp the agency to her will for material gain."
The head of the panel stared at him. "Okay, start back at the beginning. Let the rest of us catch up."
"Remember the representative I had to arrest for killing his wife and her boyfriend?" They all nodded. "On the way back to the shipyards for the formal arrest, we were stopped by agents. Who tried to ram me off the road. Thankfully I got help and they stopped them. Looking that up, the FBI would not tell us why they had tried that. So I went looking."
"And you found?" the head of the panel asked.
"Three terrorist groups, Senator Randalls. Those agents were all aligned to one, but I did find two others." The senator slumped, staring at him. "Which I turned in. The FBI's internal affairs people did not want to handle it. So I tried an FOI request to get information on why they were trying to stop me from arresting that representative.
"That got turned down for specious reasons so I went with a statement in the press and suing the IA people for bothering another agency's work on purpose to hide that. That allowed others to work and fix it, plus arrest those people involved. Which the Secret Service did."
"Was the representative involved?"
"Yes." Tony smiled. "He was helping them plan how to manipulate the FBI so their group could come into higher power. It'd give him a bit of power behind his seat so he could move over to this house and then possibly up the power chain." The lead senator winced at that. "They could stop his enemies basically. He's not the first who's done that. We all know that."
He waved a hand around then clasped them again. "After that, there were a few incidents that my director decided to butt into that were not relevant to the agency and she did it because she had sent me on an undercover. Which was about borderline illegal. Definitely not NCIS work. In fact, the CIA took out the one I was doing surveillance on. Her former masters were mad that she was going after this one arms dealer. Again."
He sipped his water casually then put the glass down. "Somehow she decided me nearly being taken to be sacrificed by a demon, thanks to a witch who had only known that I know the brother of a watcher, meant that my records had to be sealed. Permanently.
"I was drugged. I got blood taken by our ME, it was tested, I worked with our Internal Affairs and agreed easily to the drug test they wanted thanks to her demanding. She had my personnel file that she should not have had access to and was using it to try to say I lied on it and I was my uncle.
"She tried to accuse me of having a hidden family and two kids, when that's not my sin. She's tried to interfere in our team's cases. She had me drugged by another NCIS agent after I had been watching someone in a club one night for a case.
"I ended up having my ID stolen and ended up in the ER. Thankfully I had the new address of a friend in my pocket. The officer that found me unconscious in my car brought me to him." He smiled and handed the usher something. "The full file that my current attorney has. That includes the later problems since that drugging."
They looked through it and one huffed, looking at Tony. "So she arranged that to discredit you?"
"Apparently. If she had some other reason, it was probably to try to cover up that undercover. All this started after that. Asking around, I found a lot of bad ideas she's done. There's a reason I have one of the top solve rates in the whole agency, Senators." He smiled. "As I proved by investigating the problems that were hitting in my direction but not at me until I was drugged. Then there were a lot of things that were just out of place. So I found out why."
The lead senator looked at him. "You're an asshole."
"Thank you," Tony quipped back with a smile. "When I have to be, I am. I like that about myself. Especially when people try to screw with me to cover up what they're doing wrong. I didn't like it when I was a detective. I don't like it as an agent. And now, if I can't go back, I've already signed up for law school. I can be a prosecutor. I do know the law and all the ways it's broken."
"She's tried to get you to shut up?" Another senator looked at her notes then at him.
"The order to take me in as a witness to a case that never happened that the president signed?" Tony asked. "Yeah, she blew some political capital for that. The Secret Service said there wasn't a reason. He tried anyway and the judge I went to for a stay ended it already, ma'am."
"Why would the president...."
Tony shrugged, shaking his head a bit. "I'm not going to speculate. I don't know why he owed her that favor. I don't really care why she had that favor, Senator. But I'm not going to lay down and let people run me over."
"That's very feminine of you, Mr. DiNozzo."
Tony smirked. "I was raised by someone in the financial world, Senator." She shuddered. "One who also had a former president's phone number in his rolodex. I grew up seeing my father using that and went to schools like he did. Even though I was disowned for not wanting to do financial work, I did learn how to be just like them."
She shuddered. "That's your father?"
"Which one? I have an uncle and a father. My uncle recently retired. Daria is my aunt if that's what you're asking."
"Oh, I've met your uncle and father," she said quietly. "I could see them doing this."
Tony grinned. "I'm sure he'd be proud. Since this is only the most open part of me fixing this problem. Because this being an open court case means that other agencies can look at the evidence to find the problem. They're trying not to but ....well...I heard you guys talked to my former teammate, Ziva David." A few flinched at that. He nodded. "Same person behind her too," he quipped.
"If we reinstate you and get rid of the director, would that make you calm down?" that woman asked.
"No. Because I wouldn't want to get my badge back that way. It'll mean a few of the worst problems in the government go unarrested. While people are trying not to do that, there's people who're ethical and will stop the dirtiness going on, Senator."
"Are you insinuating there's one of us who is?"
"Two of you have actually tried," he corrected. "This hearing is part of that actually." She glared at the others then at him. "One of you not in this room is also implicated as a backer for one of those terrorist groups. Overall, there's six members of Congress involved in that messiness that tried to come for me. I'm an honest man, an honest and ethical agent, and was an ethical detective when I wore that badge. I don't let such dirtiness go on without stopping it. It'll endanger other officers."
"Should we be amused by arrests?" she asked dryly.
"Four of them, yes. Two they probably won't want to touch because that would get them hunted for finding that level of dirt. Because when the VP is dirty to an overseas organization, and is all but felating the group's boss, that's a political nightmare that can bring down a lot of others."
"Prove it," the head of the panel demanded.
Tony pulled out that file and held it out. "That's on his wife. Do you want his as well?" He smiled. "That's in a safety deposit box. It's been handed over to Homeland. My copy of all of these are in multiple safety deposit boxes." The usher took the file to let them see it.
The head of the panel spluttered and glared at him. Tony stared back. "I do not make up evidence. I will follow where it leads me. In that case, it led to a few bigger problems. Like her having a totally bogus charity that she's using to fund her shopping habit."
"This could endanger your whole team, DiNozzo."
"Who said I had their help, Senator?" He smiled. "I was an officer for over ten years then became an agent at NCIS. I was a detective for seven years before I was recruited at NCIS. I spent years there too. I'm an excellent investigator. I may not hack like some agents can. I may not be a Marine like Gibbs is, but I am one hell of an investigator. That's just a listing. At the end is the evidence list I handed the agent I gave them to."
They looked and one moaned at that, shaking his head. "Agent DiNozzo, are you being vindictive?"
"No, I wanted to know who tried to kill me for doing my job correctly. I wouldn't be doing this if they hadn't tried to interfere with me doing my job and tried to take me out. I think that's a reasonable thing any agent or detective would do."
"Maybe," the head of the panel complained. He looked at the evidence list again. "How did you get their filings?"
"They're mandated to be publically available so people can look them over. It's on their website in that case."
The senator moaned. "Can you prove that?" Tony nodded, pulling out his new tablet to get into that page and show him. He looked at it, comparing what was in the notes to that. "Oh. She has been. Oh, hell."
Tony nodded. "If they had just left me alone, Senators. But they did not. Which meant I had to go looking to find out why." He shrugged. "I'm not a sidewalk and I'm not a road block."
"You know, this makes you look like one of those conspiracy nuts," another senator said happily.
Tony looked at him. "Senator, to be blunt, I can prove mine. I don't need a tinfoil hat. If someone doesn't want to believe, that's fine. But I am going to make sure that all this rot is excised and exorcized. Before it gets more good agents harmed. It's already gotten three Secret Service agents killed for pointless reasons that didn't really shield them any or make people not look their way.
"If they had been paying attention they could've fixed all this last year. Then one of your congress members wouldn't be in jail for killing his wife and her boyfriend, because they're the ones that told him she was cheating. Three agents would be alive. Another ten or eleven would still be employed and they were they ones doing the real work. Including the one that was guarding your children last year." The senator glared.
Tony stared back. "They considered him a danger to them because he found out a few things. I'm sorry for his family's loss. If his boss had looked at *why* they would've stopped it then if they're not dirty themselves. I haven't went fully up the chain for all of them. I expected some to turn evidence to save their asses in prison.
"Because they may not get preferential treatment as dirty agents." The senator shuddered but looked away from him. "If they continue to try to shut me up," Tony said happily. "Well, then I've got people who can shout about it for me even if I'm dead. And they're very good at it. Including press people already going over my case. There's no way any *good* man or *good* agent would let this rot keep going. That makes them dirty too."
"We can have you confined as a material witness," the conspiracy theorist said happily.
"No you can't, Senator. The judge earlier said there's no reason for that and stayed the order. You can check while I'm here if you wish."
"The president doesn't want this to go down, DiNozzo."
"Then he should've kept himself in his pants," Tony shot back, smirking a bit. "I know it's politics to kiss each other's butts but the law isn't about politics. And frankly, if I take the hints some have given me and become one of you myself, things are going to be less political and more ethical again."
He gave that one a pointed look, making him shudder. He stood up. "Have a great day, Senators. I'm going to go take a friend's dogs for a walk." He strolled off looking less than concerned. One agent tried to stop him so he stared at them. "Ignoring that got agents dead. Nearly got me dead. Be damned if I'm going to let that dirtiness happen." He walked around him and out to get a ride. Gibbs was waiting on him so he walked around him, taking his keys. "Thanks for watching the car, Gibbs."
"You good?"
"Really, really pissed off," he said with an evil little smirk. "Because I'll be damned if I'm going to be someone's toy unless I'm on top." He got in to drive off. He went to snatch Xander's dogs and take them to the park to play. They needed to learn how to play again. Alex did remind him not to get his dogs shot at, because then he'd have to be a bastard to whoever had tried it and leave Tony being a cheerleader.
For some reason that idea worried Tony.
***
Alex was downtown when something huge happened. He stared then sighed and took film, sending it to Gibbs, to Buffy's phone, to Giles' phone in case he had it, and to a news station. Then he watched what was going on. A portal was not a good thing. He sat on a bench, sipping his coffee, staring at the things starting to gather.
He saw DC's slayer rush over and took film for Buffy so she knew how bad it was going to be. He had to hop up and go save her life too because she tried to hit one of the guards and nearly got killed. "Hey!" he shouted. "Quit picking on her. That's her job, the same as yours is to stand there and look important."
"Watcher Harris," the guard sneered.
"Wrong Xander, dude. I'm Alex." He pointed. "Behind me, Sandra." She shook her head. "Now!" he barked. She backed up. He stared at the guard. "If you wanted to talk to my brother, he's somewhere on the western coast of Africa today I think. You should go talk to him instead of showing up here in DC."
"You are nothing," he sneered. "You don't even have your axe."
"Dude, that's Xander's weapon. I'm still Alex. He's a watcher, I'm a lawyer. Which means I fuck you up and play with your mind too." He looked at the slayer. "Sword?"
"Alex?" she asked.
"Now!" She handed him hers and rushed off to get another one.
Xander checked it then grimaced. "I'm going to spank her for the spots of rust." The guard laughed and lunged but Alex held him off and kicked the guy back, making him shout. That brought others of his kind. "Your guard here was terribly rude."
"Watcher Harris!" one crowed.
"Wrong Xander. I'm Alex." He smirked. "I'm not Xander." They shouted and tried to rush him. Sanda came back with another weapon to help him. Alex decided to use his emergency wish and called out for his weapons. No answer so he smirked up for a second. "Denying what you owe me means that I get to call for a penalty one." A single weapon fell in front of him. "That's not mine. But I can use it."
He grabbed it up, swung it at one's head and then fired it on the portal, making it shatter. "Aww, sweet tinkly things." He stared at the guards, now trapped here. "Hmmm," he hummed tunelessly in a few keys and a few times. "Interesting. Now what are you going to do?"
"My people will save me," one sneered. "They won't let their heir perish here."
Alex stared at him. "Keep it up, I'm going to give you to something to be eaten." The guy reared back, looking horrified. Alex grinned. "Like I said, I'm not Xander. I'm the lawyer. So I can fight you, defeat you, and then fuck with your mind until you beg me to stop. Then make you pay me for the hours I spent working on you." He smiled. "If you want to go, go. Please. We'd *all* like that."
"We were showing up in peace," the heir said.
Alex stared at him. "Really?" He smirked a bit. "Then why didn't you send a diplomat who'd say that instead of a warrior looking for a fight?" He waved a hand at the one on the ground. "If you had said it was a diplomatic visit, people wouldn't have had such a problem with you appearing in the middle of this country's capitol city."
"I...my grandfather would want people to surrender to him."
Alex laughed. "Really? Are you sure that's what's going to happen?"
"We have a massive army!" he shouted. "We can defeat anyone!"
"And yet...." Alex waved a hand around. "It took me this time and our army, just one of our branches of soldiers, are *millions* of people. Not to mention the other three branches of our military." The heir looked horrified. "We have *billions* of people on this planet. This country has the largest military and weapons." He smiled. "So, are you certain you wanted to try to take us over?"
"We will still prevail!" one of the guards said, hopping up to get Alex. Who hit him with the launcher device. He went down again.
"Hmm," Sandra said, pushing her hair back and looking at him. "Alex?"
"I think they should go home. They can probably open that portal again somehow so they can flee back home to tell them about how hard humanity is to win against." He looked at the soldier stomping over. "Lieutenant."
"Which watcher are you?"
"I'm not. My twin is." He grinned. "I'm retired. I was just getting coffee for lunch." He looked at the heir again. The guards were guarding him. "Send some way to get home, beings. Before I get fully angry."
"You destroyed the portal," the heir complained.
Alex stared at him. "And your people opened it from the other side originally." He waved a hand. "You can go or you can sit in a jail cell until someone comes to bail you out."
"They would think I failed."
"Well....." Alex smirked at him. "You kinda found reality and it's a vicious, biting thing in your case. Now, don't you have some way to call home?" The heir and guards all shook their heads. He sighed, looking at Sandra, who was calling someone.
"Rosenburg said she could do that. The remains that you blew up are still there to pull together. It's like a zombie portal. If she can't do it here, she'll have to do it somewhere neutral."
"Then the best place would be a military base with a lot of soldiers standing there to greet the people who want *peaceful* relations," Alex said, looking at the lieutenant, who was nodding that was a good idea. "Is your team here or are you just off today?"
"Hearing in court. Someone decided to beat my car."
"Sorry to hear that." Alex looked at the witches appearing, waving a hand. "The heir who thinks we're *easy*."
Willow huffed. "Great. You didn't call your twin?"
Alex stared at her oddly then looked at the other witches. "It's not like he lost his skill set, Willow," one told her, rolling her eyes. "Thank you, Alex."
"Welcome." He handed Sandra the launcher but the military guy took it. "I know but the one who owes me the debt to call my own weapons here failed. Miserably." He smirked a bit. "Which means I get to take my vindictive self to talk to a poker buddy." Suddenly there was a box at his feet. He looked inside and hummed. "Yeah, that's not mine but that's sweet. Was that in Xander's stored stuff maybe?" he called, looking up.
A female appeared, nodding. "It was meant to go to him, Alex. He got some of yours just now."
"Well, tell him to replace them." He handed the box over. "How much of mine did he get?"
"Only three things. He said he only needed three things." She shrugged, taking it with her. Xander said he didn't need it and the generals were glaring that Xander knew about higher level artillery again so she went to hide it among Alex's hidden weapons for now. She left Xander a note so he could get it back.
Alex shook his head. "Did your people try this in another area perhaps?" he asked the heir. Who slowly shook his head. "Huh. Wonder what the twin's doing today then." He shrugged and walked off. "I'm off for a tasty muffin and another coffee. Let me know if I have to be his lawyer to get him bail, Lieutenant."
"Um, sure, I guess." He looked at the witches. Then at the slayer.
"Locally they'll arrest a demon and then give him really high bail if he's a problem. Alex has had to fight for a few of them to get bail because their lawyers are busy. He's still helpful and neutral. Even if the community is somehow mad at him again for whatever imaginary reason they've decided on this time." She looked at her sword. "That's the backup in the car. He's going to nag that it has rust." She walked off. "Need me, coven ladies?"
"No, Sandra," Willow sighed. "I can do this." She pulled together the portal and reopened it. "Yours?"
The top guard looked and shook his head. "That's our enemy's capitol city."
"Where my girlfriend lives," the heir muttered. "Her mother hates that though." The guards stared at him. "She does!"
Willow nodded. "Just don't take lessons from Shakespear. Elope and start your own area instead." She fixed it and saw the massing armies. "There you go."
The heir sighed. "Can we have a picture of the local militaries massing?" he asked quietly. "So we can prove why it's not a good idea."
"Yeah, I have my cadet class's graduation photo in my wallet," the lieutenant said, pulling it out. "That's just one class from one of three military colleges. That's not the massed military units in formation."
The heir walked over. "I ran into Watcher Harris' twin, Sire. He pointed out that their militaries are more massive than ours, and have higher weapons at hand." He showed him the picture. "That one, who is a lieutenant, said this was his graduation class's photo. From one of three military colleges and does not hold the rest of the military. Watcher Harris' twin said they have *millions* of people in their military and billions on that planet." He went back to hand it over then came back.
Willow smiled and waved. "He's right, we do. We also have four or five branches of military if you count the Coast Guard. We have water, air, and land military groups. Who all number in the millions." She called up a picture. "This is yesterday's military exercise in Cleveland. That's just the groups on to help the slayers. That's a tenth of one base's people."
The demon king looked and winced. "I was not aware of that."
Willow smiled. "Alex thought you might not be. Your heir showed some diplomacy and smarts. Thankfully Alex is retired so he only got a few of the guards." She smiled at the heir. "I wish upon you to have a long, happy, healthy, safe life even if you do end up in some position of power." He smiled at that.
"And, trust me here, love is too precious to waste. Take your girlfriend to elope soon." She looked at the king, who was staring at his grandson. Then she smiled. "Love's a terrible thing to waste." She walked back over and let the portal close once the others were back over there.
"There. Let me end the power traces." She did that and sighed in pleasure. "All better." She strolled off. "Alex's muffin idea is probably a good one and he'd know good muffins. Let's get one?" The witches nodded, going with her.
The lieutenant finishing making his report and headed to the courthouse. His boss was going to be...amused.
***
Alex's boss leaned into his office. "You have weapons?"
He smiled. "I'm owed a few debts that I can call in for weapons in case the world is going to end or I'm at ground zero of an invasion. Which I was then."
"Oh." He nodded. "Does your twin have weapons?"
"Xander's the only watcher in Africa. Don't you think he may need them?"
"Probably." He nodded, going to tell the one who had told him to ask that. It was a better thing that his lawyer didn't have weapons since he dealt with a lot of whiny people. Though his dogs were coming along nicely apparently since they were napping on his couch and didn't wake up when he leaned in.
***
Alex faced off with the most bigoted judge in the area. He shook his head. "Your Honor, none of those charges are actually laws," he noted patiently. "Have not been laws when they tried this before. Still aren't laws now. Probably won't ever be laws because they're racist. I have no idea why that one unit of police officers, and this one particular prosecutor, are so involved in making up laws.
"The rest of the DA's office is overloaded and complains a lot about that. Yet here we are with one who keeps making up more laws to give himself more work. Why are we talking about this again since we've had it with nine other judges for six other people in the last month?"
The judge stared at him. "Repeat offenders?"
"For sitting on their front porches. Apparently they looked funny while reading the paper." He grimaced at the other lawyer then at the judge. "This time my client was on his way to work. In his own car. Not disobeying any traffic laws. Actually used his turn signals. Him using them was removed from the original charge sheet."
He handed it over. "Why are they targeting the community to give themselves more work and yet ignoring actual, physical crimes going on? Do they not have work to do? I could've sworn there's been a rash of robberies in that same neighborhood they should be handling. Not to mention the three deaths that made it to the news." He looked at the other side. "I have no idea why the city puts up with them making themselves more work and ignoring their actual jobs."
The judge sighed. "None of this is a law but many of us would like that being's sort to leave the area, Mr. Harris. The same as we would you."
Alex smirked. "Sorry but they were here before your family moved in ten years ago, Your Honor. The local community's museum has a written peace treaty with the local native tribes. Apparently there had been an argument over some prey that was being hunted by both sides. Then again, the Council has written records taken from oral histories that go back to before people farming that demons had control.
"That's why they made the slayer line." The judge grimaced at that reminder. "Now, can my client please go grovel with his boss to stay employed? Though I'm sure he's been told his employee got arrested for following traffic laws. It's like a money grab for the city but racially motivated and so very heinously wrong by every law code ever."
"Mr. Harris, has anyone told you you're an asshole?" the judge demanded.
Alex smiled and nodded. "And I usually thank them for that, Your Honor. I'm very proud that standing up for the right thing makes me an asshole of great proportion. Someday I might even run for congress to make sure this shit's stopped." He beamed at him. The judge shuddered. "Can my client go to work now?"
"Fine. These are not legal charges," he complained. He tossed the papers aside. "I'm going to talk to the DA's office over this."
"Have fun. We've talked to the press already and the mayor's office got a call from someone else, Your Honor," Alex said happily. The judge winced at that. "At least it's not an election year." He smiled at his client. "Let's get you unbooked so you can go to work and so can I. I have to nag the SBA again this afternoon."
The judge signed the order to release him and Alex got him checked out and then to work. The car being impounded would take another hearing in front of another judge. Alex walked into work, shrugging at his boss' look. "I had to help someone who got arrested for daring to follow traffic and driving laws. One of the charges was that he used his turn signals."
His boss shook his head. "Did you take criminal law, Harris?"
"My minor. I did end up taking the bar in that category too. I got slightly less than great but I did pass that section just in case I need it." He smiled. "It's been a long day and I know I have to talk to the SBA again this afternoon over that warehouse." He went to his office to log into his computer and look up that case to refresh himself.
His boss went to tell the others, one of which told the community's law team. They were amused at that arrest too and Harris helping out without being asked to by them. They had to figure out how many he had handled and what the outcomes had been. And who was paying him for it.
***
Alex looked at his phone, grimacing as he answered it. "Yes?" The dogs ran at her huff. "You just made my dogs run from you, Buffy. So why did you call to huff at me?"
"You have dogs?"
"Yes, I adopted two dogs."
"You're retired, Alex."
"I'm the one who informed you it was starting, Summers. I was sitting right there when it started. Did you want me to let Sandra die?"
"No! Of course not!" The dog barked quietly. "Oh, hey, Doggy."
"It's all right, Duke. She's not close enough to bite you. C'mere, you two." They hopped up around him. He petted them, his phone on his thigh. "Buffy, just don't even start. If I'm the one standing there and it happens of course I'm going to handle it if no one else can. Did you want me to allow the attempted invasion of DC?"
"No," she said patiently.
"I did start out by informing people. Including agents who never showed up."
"Crap. Why would you do that?"
"That's their job. Especially in DC, Buffy," he said dryly. "Even Sandra has to defer to them in DC."
"Oh." She sounded pouty now. "Are your dogs cute?"
"They're dogs, of course they're nice. They're not purse dogs but they're good dogs." They stared at him hopefully. "Go get the treat bag, Devil." He ran to get it and brought it back. "Good job!" He gave them both a treat and more pets. "They had horrible humans before me so I'm teaching them to act like dogs."
"Oh, okay. Sure. I guess that's good. Should we change Sandra out?"
"She's in college. Won't that screw something up for her?" he asked dryly.
"Point I guess." She sighed. "Fine! Just don't jump in next time. You upset Willow a lot."
He shrugged even though he knew she couldn't see it. "Not my call to make. I was sitting right there." He hung up with a sigh and went back to petting the dogs. He looked at them. "Sometimes girls aren't worth it." They settled in to be loved on for stress relief. He picked up a letter to reread and laugh at it, then called his twin. "You know that demonic law firm that Angel had to keep tangling with? They sent me a letter in your name telling me to cease and desist helping the community."
"Why did they send it in his name?" Stephen asked.
"They're the lawyers for the greater evils of this world. Wolfram and Hart. They also ask for soul debts in any contracts."
"Charming! Did they intend you to be Xander or are they trying to get Xander to quit?"
"I have no idea. I was going to call them with him on the line. Hold on, let me do that." He conferenced in the call. "This is Alexander Harris, and Mr. Simmons sent me a very laughable letter. Let me speak to him please." He was on hold for a short period of time.
"Mr. Harris."
"Both of us. We are twins," Alex said dryly. "We've both laughed at your letter."
"No one wants your help, Mr. Harris."
"Then they can turn it down. Frankly, my twin's not going to quit being a watcher and I'm not going to quit being a lawyer. Especially as I'm the one who's doing the business contracts being screwed up." He smirked at his phone. "You have no right or reason to get into mine or my twin's business, Mr. Simmons. I'm not part of your law firm."
"The US Demonic Congress hired me to write that," he sneered back.
Alex snorted. "Yes, I've met a few of them. They have no right or reason to get into whoever hires me to help them. And for them not wanting me to help anyone, they sure send people to me to end their problems with the government over their business licenses. I'm afraid that your letter is just a joke that made my dogs amused when they peed on it. Now, is there anything else you wanted to try?"
"We can sue you to stop you."
"You mean my whole agency?" Alex asked dryly. "We do work for the peaceful community locally when they ask us to." He smirked at the phone. "But by your statements I'm guessing you're too stupid to realize you addressed the letter to my twin instead of to me?" The man growled. "Awww, you're so fierce," he said sarcastically.
"I'm sure you're great at what you do but I'm not going to bend over for a firm that puts soul contracts in their paperwork. Or who stuck up for and helped cause an invasion of this country, which I had to step into to help stop. Now, is there any other mealy minded attempt going on out there that I'll laugh at? I mean, I can ruin your business very easily."
"I'll have that whole law office of yours turned in," he sneered.
"We're all human. We're just tolerant and good. But for that threat, I'm going to turn you in to the FBI with all that we know about your group. Including that problematic little idol thing you have going on. I heard you're missing six sacrifices since Connor saved the last group. Let's see how well you handle having your contracts exposed." He hung up on that one. "So," he said dryly.
Stephen cleared his throat. "Can they do that?"
"No. They could try to buy the office and won't manage it. Hell, I'm worth more than they are I think. I know Xander is." He grimaced. "By the way, the one who wanted him to be a queen showed up *again*. Third time in a month. Can you have him talk to that one? I'm too fabulous to be a queen of a demon realm and I'd hate the gowns."
"Yeah, I can do that," Stephen said. "I talked to him before."
"Thanks, Stephen. Did he get the dog pictures?"
"We did. They seem like good dogs." They barked at the phone. "That's cute. I'll tell him once he's out of the bathroom, Alex." He hung up and burst out laughing.
Alex sent the one he often argued with about business contracts the information on Wolfram and Hart, and how they're rebuilding. It was illegal to attempt to invade the country. That one growled back but agreed they needed investigated. He found out the hard way that any investigation was cursed, but he only got a broken leg. The guy had been helping Alex with businesses that were being targeted for having demon employees or owners. The community liked him at the moment. Wolfram and Hart...not so much.
***
Alex walked into his boss's office the next day with the dogs. "They're being guard dogs." He grinned and put down the files. The copy of that letter was on top.
The senior partner looked at it then at him. "That's huge, Harris."
"Yeah. I gave information over that ended their last sacrifice of six people. Connor found them in time." He grinned. "They're so stupid. They really are. And I turned them in for their little contract problem." He pulled that out and let his boss find the post-it he had stuck on it.
The older lawyer frowned as he read it. "Yeah, all their employee contracts too. Their ones they do work for too." He smiled and nodded a bit. "They've apparently cursed anyone who tries to investigate it. Also, he tried to tell me the USDC tried to stop me for doing any work, even though half of the ones I handle are referred to us by the USDC."
"Are you back in asshole mode, Harris?" he asked dryly.
"You bet I am!" he said happily. "And they're tied up in one of the groups that Tony DiNozzo had to stop out of the FBI. They were backing one of them without the agents knowing." He pointed at that. "I've slipped that to Tony but I have no idea who's handling the rest of that investigation. I found enough to fully convict the full board of more than arranging that invasion of LA."
"That's going to cause some talk."
Alex grinned smugly. "Let them talk. It'll only make my rep grow as being honest, good for the community and others, and being ethical."
"True."
"I've also noted that I may be retired to be a lawyer but that just means I get to play with their minds after I beat them in whatever manner I need to." He shrugged. "If you want to you can tell others they reformed in Vegas. That's their new LA office apparently. The old one is being rebuilt still. Though I think Connor wants to blow it up this time."
His boss looked at the paperwork again, nodding some. "That is enough to sue them and get them in a great deal of trouble if agents were listening."
Alex looked at a painting then at him. "Are you sure they're not?" He walked off with the dogs. "That's all copies. Tony has a copy too. So does the USDC's council and their legal team. Have fun watching me do some mental torture, boss."
"Sure, Harris. Don't get the law firm sued."
"Of course not. And if so I'll go run for congress to get the all beings are equal under the law rule started." The dogs barked as they walked past a coworker's door. "Good boys to greet Patricia! Morning, dear."
That lawyer shook her head but was smiling. The dogs were nice and Xander was goofy. She went to see what they had been talking about. She hadn't heard most of it through the wall. Their boss was talking to someone and it looked interesting. "Can I help?"
"This is dirtiness that could get people harmed, Patricia," he said. "I'd hate to have your husband harmed."
"Okay." She looked at it then went back to her desk to get a file and bring it back. She was working on one of their subordinate company's business licenses. He smiled at that so she went back to her desk.
***
"Mr. Harris," a reporter called as he came out of work a few days later. "Someone's made a claim that you're fighting against a demonic entity even though you've been supporting the peaceful community for years?"
Alex smiled and nodded. "I'm fully against anything evil. That law firm, and a few foreign nationals, were behind the LA invasion. Since nothing's been done even though it's illegal to try to invade the country.... I felt I had to step in. Especially since I've been gathering information for years. Then they tried to step into my face. They're going to lose for that."
She shuddered, stepping back. He grinned a bit. "They're still putting soul claiming clauses in all their contracts. They're still fighting to protect the most evil things. They're still sacrificing people. They're responsible for, directly having paid for it, the attack on the judge in Oregon that hit the news last week.
"Should anyone look away from such problems? Especially when they try to step into your face for doing the right thing most of the time?" He looked at the cameraman. "I noticed that your camera is one to try to capture souls from taping them. That won't really work on me and it won't work on over half of humanity.
"They have to be really weakly connected for that and that usually means they're sick somehow. Like that one senator was complaining about? Whoever he was ranting got captured is probably sick." He walked around them. "Anything else today?"
"Are you still retired from the Council?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I only have to step into things if they step into my face or happen right in front of me." He stared at her. "Have a great night." He got into his car and drove off to pick up his dogs from doggy daycare.
She looked at her cameraman. "Did it capture him?"
"No. He's right, it couldn't." He put his camera down. "Is this going to really upset the bosses?"
She nodded. "It's not our fault though. We can't capture him by ourselves." She walked off. Of course, an agent got in her way to arrest them. It saved them from their bosses at Wolfram and Hart. Otherwise they would've been sacrificed for the failure. The agents let them know after they got done raiding that office.
***
The agent in charge of the Wolfram and Hart case stopped Harris the next morning. "Are you a vindictive teenage girl?"
"No but I did learn a lot from always being around two," he quipped back with a smirk. The dogs sniffed him and then went to pee on a light pole before coming back to stand beside their human. "Why do you ask?"
"You're acting like it's a personal vendetta."
"It is." He nodded with a grin. "They're trying to ruin my career and what I choose to do. I worked my ass off to get through law school and they're trying to make me quit. If Buffy Summers couldn't make me quit what I decided was something I had to do, that my twin is still doing, then I'm sure not going to let myself be driven out of my career by a bunch of lesser bitches."
He gave him a pointed look then smiled again. "Did you have fun with them last night? We heard they got busted. Did you get the basement room and the bio-secure lab? Or the sacrificial victims in their cells? The other basement?"
"What lab?" he demanded. "Where is the lab?"
"Basement."
"We did not find a basement. Come with us please?"
"Let me get the dogs inside the daycare." He took them to log them in. "I'm showing them where something is." He winked. "Be back later so they can go to the office." He petted them both and left to do that. He walked into the building then found the protections. He canceled most of them. "I need silver," he muttered, patting himself down.
"Anyone got some silver? In any form but dust preferably." No one said anything. "Huh. Got a hammer?" he called. One was handed over so he swung and broke the figures. Someone screamed about him hurting her kid. He looked. "Did you give them your kid to build it on?" he demanded.
She nodded, crying. He shook his head then looked at the agent. "Okay." He used the hammer to expose the powering crystal and broke it. "Your kid's hopefully free." He checked, no other crystal. He broke the last few figures. He walked around it and got the last one. Then he used it on the panel next to the elevator. It broke and became visible.
He hit the button to call the elevator to go down. He waved at the agents and took them down to the basement. He pointed. "According to the available building plans, hostages, sacrificial altar room, lab," he said with points. "There's a big cavern for no reason I'm aware of too." He got out of the way and went back upstairs, grinning at the staring people. "You really thought you'd get me to give up when even Buffy and Willow couldn't?" He walked off laughing. "To quote my ex Cordelia Chase: As if, losers!"
"We'll end her too!" one shouted, struggling to get up.
Alex turned to look at him. "You think you can end the Messenger for the Powers That Be? Really?" The man shrank away from him. "Well, if you have her trapped, we'll figure it out and free her. Then get out of her way. We don't need to see the mess she'll make." He walked off smirking evilly. "I really should claim all your status in the demon courts for conquering you. Hmmm. That would really up my poker debt count too." He nodded. "I can file that paperwork later with the demon courts."
"The government would have to claim it," an agent told him.
Alex smiled. "The money yes. The status with the demon courts? Could they actually do that? I can. I helped end a few of their works before today." That agent shuddered. "Connor could probably do it easiest. I can offer to split it with him." He walked out humming a catchy tune he had heard on the radio earlier.
The agent looked at his senior agent. "Is he sane?"
"He's a lawyer. Specializing in business things but has helped the peaceful community with other matters. His twin's a watcher."
"Oh, that's that guy." He took a deep breath. "At least he didn't really have a weapon this time." He looked around then at his boss. "Do others not realize what he's done locally?"
"The only one who probably does is DiNozzo. They're friends or something."
"Probably just friends. DiNozzo dated half the city," another agent said. "Including both of my ex's. I thought that proved bravery better than following Gibbs did."
The senior agent shook his head. "Find out if they need help downstairs. Their radios aren't working." An agent went down there with an open connection and found out they needed paramedics, SWAT teams to kill the huge demon in the cavern and the two in the altar area waiting to feed, and some geeks to clean up the lab.
***
Tony smiled at the agents who were coming to nag him. "We knew about Wolfram and Hart at least a decade before the LA invasion. Including their biolab in LA. You guys decided it was fine since they were government contractors. Have we found out who's covered underneath those contracts yet to try to save them?"
The agents stopped and looked at each other. "What?" one asked.
"Wolfrm and Hart were government contractors. They had contract work for things like big purchases with new companies and the like." That got a nod. "We know they layered soul claiming clauses in their contracts with everyone, including with the government. Whose got stolen?"
"Did NCIS have one?" he asked.
"Director Sheppard tried to have them sign on but they were stopped because that was right before the invasion. They were too busy and rescheduled but never made it back."
The agents shared another look. "We need to look into that. Do you know that mouthy lawyer guy?"
"Harris? Yeah. We met a few times at a club we both enjoy. He guarded me and Abby once. I can rest my concussions over on his couch. Why? Alex is really nice until you get into his face about something or threaten him or someone he's protecting. Or his dogs now."
The agents nodded. "We thought he was Xander."
"That's his twin, the watcher. Xander's the guy in Africa."
"Oh," they said together. "So he's...trained but not doing the work?"
"Retired," Tony said. "Years ago. Then he came here. Went to paralegal school and then regular law school. Now he specializes in business things with a slight side of criminal defense when needed."
The agents walked off together shaking their heads. They had their jobs done better by a *lawyer*. A business lawyer. It was embarrassing. One told their supervisor about that contract problem. He pulled up their names in the system to look at that. There were a lot of agents in possible trouble if they couldn't break those. Including their agents.
***
Xander walked into the community's law firm, handing over something with a wink for the receptionist. "Tony warned them earlier that W&H used to do contract work for the government and various agencies. They're going to be pulling them to see if they have soul contracts. And then panicking when they do." He strolled off. "Lindsay over at the SBA is not happy with your brother's plumbing business. He keeps forgetting to file forms and taxes. We talk about it next week."
"I'll let him know, Alex. Thank you!" She smiled and took that to the senior partners to let them know it may get them more work or it may make someone panic. She could talk to her brother over lunch.
***
Tony came out from winning his suit against NCIS and the FBI much happier. He decided to go to lunch and treat himself. He was on his way to his favorite treat to himself when he ran into a huge problem. Of course, he didn't have a badge or a gun. Well, he had a knife and a gun but he wasn't supposed to step in as an agent. He called it in. Until he saw them pulling on the kid then walked over.
"Hey! Put the kid down!" he ordered. "Before you hurt it!" They dropped the kid and ran away. "Fucking morons!" he muttered. An officer came running. "The male went that way, the female that way," he said with a point. "She's over there with the pink sweater. They were pulling on the kid's arms until I yelled at them to put it down before they hurt it."
"An agent, sir?"
"Former." He looked at the kid. "You okay?" he asked, squatting down. "Hey. Hi. I know it's scary but are you sore? Do you hurt?" The baby just lifted its arms to be cuddled. One of the officers did. "Sure." Tony stood up. "I know nothing about kids," he said quietly. "Beyond that you're not supposed to be pulling on their arms like you're going to pull them off."
"We can check on the cameras. Can you describe the parents?"
Tony looked and pointed. "Pink sweater lady. The dad's....." He looked then pointed. "Had a shirt like green shirt guy but had a mustache that looked fake and his shirt looked more green from where I was. Also lighter jeans." That got a nod. Two officers went to get the mother. She tried to run but the other spectators stopped her.
"He was trying to steal her!" she shouted.
"You two were arguing about money," Tony told her. "Loudly. I heard you across the street, lady." He looked at the kid again. "Need a statement?" he asked the officer holding her. He nodded, letting Tony fill it out for him.
A paramedic came over. "I heard we had a kid being pulled on?" The officer let him see her. "Hey, sweetheart. I'm going to check for booboos. Okay? Do you have a parent?"
"I'm hoping one of the ones pulling on her arms was," Tony admitted, looking over. "Percy."
"DiNozzo?"
"Yup, but not an agent anymore." He grinned. "They tried politics. So I ruined things. They had her by the arms and were pulling while arguing about money. I yelled and they dropped her from about chest height."
"Okay." He checked her arms, finding they were both sore and stiff. Her knees had some bruises but she was about that age to crawl and walk so fall. Only one other bruise on her back and that could have been from them dropping her. "She looks like she might be okay," he said. "We can take her if we need or you guys want to," he told the officer.
"Please. That way we can officially find a parent." He looked at the woman, who was trying to get away again. "Is she the mother?"
"She's my niece! I'm babysitting. My boyfriend tried to snatch her and we were arguing over the money he stole from me."
"Okay, we can start there," the officers decided. "Do you know her mother's number?" She nodded, letting them have her phone. "We can call her to the ER."
"She's getting dental work done today. That's why I'm sitting her." She looked at Tony. "You're mean!"
"To stop you from hurting the kid instead of screaming? If you had yelled, people would've helped you and he probably would've run off." She sulked at that. He looked at the officers, who waved him off. "Have an easier day, guys." He went back to his trek for treats. He needed a better one now. Then he had to go talk to his new professors. They wanted to talk about his experience with the law.
***
Tony smiled as Alex opened his door and let him in to play with the dogs. "My professors said being in law enforcement didn't mean I knew the law."
"Yeah, I got that and then reminded them that they had taught me to be a paralegal not that long before then." He grinned. "They're stuck up sometimes."
"They are. I passed the tests they demanded. So I'm a second year." Alex grinned and hugged him. "Thanks, Alex. Can I bum your notes?"
"Sure. They're in the office."
"Should I not look in case of weapons?"
Alex grinned. "Why would they be in the office, Tony? There's only two swords and the gun I got as a poker debt I was checking over before starting dinner." Tony nodded, going to look for his notes. He came out reading the three-ring binder of second year notes. The dogs hopped up around him to get petted while he read so he alternated which hand held the notebook.
Alex got back to making dinner and feeding the dogs. It was homey. Very homey. Alex almost felt like he had when he had his last temporary boyfriend of three days. The guy had decided he was weird and left to go to some club kid. He went to talk to Tony about the classes he'd be driven nuts by and about formatting for papers. He had taken too long to learn that and had gotten a few lower grades from it.
***
Tony looked at his newest teacher the first day of class when he asked who had experience. The teacher looked at him. "You do, and which one are you?"
"Tony DiNozzo. Yes, I was an officer and detective and then a federal agent at NCIS for years. Fourteen years between the two."
The teacher blinked. "Now you're going into criminal law?" Tony smiled and nodded. "Got injured?"
"Politics. They tried to run me over to not let out stories that I could tell and used politics. So I sued." He smirked a bit. "Now I'll see this from this side."
"I can understand that. Politics is rampant at colleges and a lot of bigger law firms. The rest of you will have to learn how to make a good impression on everyone, even the ones you hate, fairly quickly. Even when you're exhausted. Another word for intern is packmule. You'll be exhausted often."
"Learn how to fake a smile without it looking fake," Tony said. "And learn your caffeine and sleep schedule tolerance. We'll all need it."
The professor looked at him. "NCIS....navy?"
"And Marines," Tony agreed.
"We have two cases that involve your people."
"Cool. I was on the MCR team. Major crime response," he explained at the confused looks. "We handled felony level crimes."
The rest of the kids nodded at that. The teacher smiled at him. "It may be harder for him because he's set in his ways and has to deal with a second set of laws. The military uses their own set of laws."
"UCMJ," Tony quipped. The students moaned. "Only worry about it if you're going into the service. And keep every single paper you get given. Copy the ones you hand over just in case for your own later studying." The professor nodded quickly at that.
One of them looked at him. "Did you get to skip classes?" Tony nodded. "Oh." She pouted. "All of your first year?"
"I had to take orientation and this one."
"Oh." She slumped. "So I'm guessing he's the bar set?"
"No," the professor said. "Not in the least. We expect more from him and will grade him harder. He's got years of experience writing things like reports." He grinned at Tony.
"They talked about the two styles of papers. Which do we use?"
"Legal. It's a mix." He got them all the books to go over. It was a small pamphlet.
"Alex was right, that's a bit different," Tony decided. He grinned at a staring other student. "I have a buddy who's doing business law." That got a nod. "He started as a paralegal and went up."
The professor shook his head. "That's not that uncommon. It happens in nursing and doctors too." He clapped his hands. "This is Research 1. So I'm going to teach you how to read legal codes. It's boring but you have to do it. We all get bored by it. Whoever writes laws writes in Yoda sometimes."
A few giggled at that. "Anyone else have legal experience?" A few had doing something secretarial at a law office so that was great. He went over the parts of a written code and how to cite it, how to read it, how to understand it, twist it, and deconstruct it. They all took notes.
***
Tony came home after his testing for the year and collapsed on his couch. He was groaning but he was exhausted. He felt a warm nose and looked to the right. "Hey, Devil. Why are you here? Did I forget you earlier?"
Alex came out to help Tony sit up and gave him a hug. "I remember the post test headache very well. So I'm lending you a dog tonight for dinner company. Drop him with me tomorrow on your way to class." He smiled. "I ordered you dinner from your Italian place to celebrate it being done."
Tony smirked at that. Alex grinned back. "Just think, the bar is harder." He winked. "Duke's with the vets tonight. He ate a dead thing and then wouldn't quit throwing up. Or else I'd lend you both dogs." He petted his dog. "He's great to cuddle."
"I could go out and party."
"Your usual club to pick up in is shut down thanks to a raid. They had pros." Tony groaned and shook his head. "The college bar is full of twenty-three-year-old kids. And this keeps him from my date tonight, who was the one who gave Duke the dead thing to eat. So I'm going to go commit date homicide probably." He hugged his dog.
"Don't worry, you won't need to bail me out. She's got an international dead or alive warrant." He breezed out, going to cook himself dinner at home while waiting on the girlfriend of the moment. She was very huffy when she got there so he darted her and settled in to eat while staring at her. They'd have a great talk in a little bit. Once he wasn't as angry.
Tony looked at the dog with him, shaking his head. "Your human is weird." He patted himself so Devil jumped up to cuddle. "Quit stressing. Daddy will see you tomorrow. Just like doggy daycare but overnight." He petted the dog to keep him calm. He hadn't really been away from Alex since he had been adopted by him. Or his playmate. Devil liked to stress out so Tony could help him be calm.
He did get up to get dinner from the delivery guy, tipping him. It was the cheapest dinner, only cost him five bucks. Devil padded after him, woofing quietly at the bag. "That's right, it's dinner you can beg for." He settled down with the two dishes, smiling at the scent. "Aww, that's good." He let Devil have a noodle full of cheese sauce and the dog got happier with that treat. Tony could eat, pet the dog, watch a movie, and destress without worrying about college kids. He was that talented.
***
Alex was at a conference, mostly to hear about new laws and learn how to start a political movement to make things better in the world, when people with guns stomped in. He sighed, staring at the guy in the lead. "Stephen, why are you taking lawyers hostage?" he asked, walking over.
"I'm not, Alex. I'm here to guard you. Xander sent me to get me out of the way of a threat that he thinks will show up here this weekend."
"Hmm. The Gozer wannabe?"
"Some woman...not supernaturally related though."
"Oh, *her*." He nodded, leading him to the security office. "Guys, can you show him the pictures of the one I inconvenienced in the closet for being a murderous cunt?" They did that and Stephen snorted but shook his head. "Not her?"
"No, she's bad and I know agents who'd *love* to hear about her arrest. Most of them are in Zimbabwe." The security guys smiled. "We don't mean to alarm anyone but his twin sent me to guard him from something." He let them see it.
Alex took it to stare at. "Oh, her." He nodded with a grimace. He handed it back. "She'd run from the technical things and I didn't plan on really leaving the hotel." He looked at his twin's boyfriend. "Is this something like the one single time I felt him be so injured I felt compelled to go to Africa? I basically woke up in Africa to a soldier giving me horrified looks."
"Probably," Stephen said dryly. "So apparently we're supposed to guard each other this weekend."
"Okay, sure. I won't even flirt with your security team. Or you of course since you're my twin's boyfriend." He patted him on the arm. "I'm going to go learn how to start a political action group." He grinned. "Make your guys less panicking."
"Boys, calm down, watch for the target, watch for other targets since they like Alex like they do Xander." His team nodded. "Be subtle if you can. These are lawyers so therefore smart but assholes." They went to more civilian guarding status and hid some of the weapons, going to follow Alex around.
Stephen went to be his bodyguard and attend the seminars with him. It was boring as hell but he did learn how to organize communities to work together toward a common goal, usually a socially conscious one. It was weird but then again Alex was a lawyer. Xander would've fallen asleep with him during some of them. Though Alex asked good questions.
***
"Dortmyer," Alex called up a street, waving at her. "C'mere please? Xander sent you a message." She strolled over. "You freaked my twin out a lot," he said once she was closer. "His message was to stop it before he had to sic something on you again." She grimaced at that reminder. "And that your daughter's apparently stalking *me* and not him?" He waved a hand at Stephen. "I've had some great time being surrounded by hotty guys that I can't flirt with but I doubt they'd let me go date Stephanie."
The assassin pouted. "She's a good girl, Alex."
"I know that. I remember that from our single date last year when she got upset that I'm not like a more civilized Tarzan like Xander is according to her." He gave her a pointed look. "So why is she trying to come back into my bedroom?"
"You're probably as good as you twin."
"I'm better. I learned how to get my woo on." He looked smug. "That's why I've had three stalkers from ex's." She took a kiss and he made her beg for it by pulling her hair back. He broke the kiss. "Like Xander, your poisoned lipstick won't work on me, Belinda." He smirked a bit. "But it was great of you to try to audition to be my next crazy girlfriend."
He let her go, stepping back. "You worried Xander so much he sent his boyfriend to guard me." She purred at that thought. "No, we're not sharing. Stephen would die of all the fabulousness of us being in bed together," he said dryly. "So, we have a problem with your daughter."
"I'm sure she's not going to take the contract to kill you, Alex."
"That'd be a first for a woman that hits on me," he said sarcastically. She nodded that was true. "Still....." The agents waiting and watching came to arrest her. "I don't want to play that sort of game. Bad cop in an interview maybe if I get to hold the handcuffs but not turn the assassin. Though I have turned a few assassins."
He smirked. "Have fun talking to them. I think Paulo's somewhere in town." She went pale. "And you know I made him happy enough to stay with me for six weeks." He waved with a grin. "Have a great weekend, Belinda."
"Fine. I'll go with the agents. They can fight Paulo for me." She let herself be led off. "I'll tell the daughter she can't kill you."
"Already got her under arrest too," Stephen said happily with his own wave. "You two can have a family reunion in jail." He patted Alex on the shoulder to keep him from rushing over to stop the other lover who was stomping over. "Don't interfere. I want to see this one."
She caught sight of him and groaned. "Let me go!" she demanded. "Before he takes you all out." They got her into the car but she managed to get free of the cuffs in time to go stop her ex-husband Paulo from taking out the agents so he could have another fight with her about their kids.
Alex walked over. "People. Stephanie's where she's heading, Paulo. She decided I was fun for some reason." His ex winced at that. "I thought maybe they could get her some help."
"She could use it! You are fun, but too hard to dirty up. Not at all girlfriend material, Alex."
"There's a demon who wants me to be his queen who'd disagree with that."
The assassins looked at him then huffed and tried to walk away but the agents got them both arrested and into separate cars so they could talk to them both. Alex waved with a grin. Stephen came over to control him before he went after them both to beat them to death for this stunt. Stephen looked at Alex, shaking his head. "Thankfully no one challenges me for Xander's hand in bed."
"Only kidnaps him?" Alex quipped.
"True, I tried to forget about that. What is he facing this weekend?"
"Two ascensions together. They're *soulmates* to hear them speak of it." Stephen moaned but nodded. "And then a possible battle because it's auspicious. The girls are going to one in New York."
"Charming." He walked Alex off, taking him to get the dogs and go home. Xander was definitely the lower maintenance one of the twins and the less sarcastic one. It was easier to hang out with Xander than it was with Alex; he had clearly picked the right twin for his needs and wants.
***
Xander smiled as his boyfriend walked back into his camping area. "Alex okay?"
"He's very boring," Stephen said, then winced. "I mean....he's good at what he does. He befuddled a few people's minds, easily unfortunately, but he's never does anything but work and play with his dogs."
"He does need a date," Xander said dryly. "Did you stop that thing that wanted him?"
"And the one who wanted him to be his queen." He flopped down, staring at Xander. "He really needs to find something else in his life."
"He's retired. He doesn't get to have all the thrilling things we get." He looked up then at him. "General Kamden wondered where you were. I told him you were guarding my very normal twin."
"Yes, I saw his third-in-command, who tried to come kidnap Alex." He smirked a bit. "Pity about him being hurt, a lot, and then arrested. Alex looked up from something he was working on and snorted at his whining about not capturing him to make you do what the general wants." He looked Xander over. "You're injured," he stated.
With the way Xander was sitting, the way he was wearing such baggy clothes, he was clearly injured. That and he was padded around the center so he was either bloated, injured, or pregnant. "By the way, Willow showed up." He rolled his eyes.
"She wanted to check her oldest friend's boyfriend. Alex walked off rolling his eyes most epically. I thought his eyes might not come back down," he finished sarcastically. "So is that a bandage or did she make you pregnant already? She's promised when we want kids, she can do that for us."
Xander stared at him oddly. "I'd kill her. Immediately. Then go sob on the slayers to help me guard whatever horror she made me pregnant with." Stephen grinned at that. "Yeah, I got a few scale cuts from the ascensions and then two grazes from another thing that happened before the battle. I nearly missed the battle for getting those cleaned up. But your ex-girlfriend would say hi I'm sure if she was able to talk through the broken jaw."
"You hit her?"
"No. Petry was there and hit her for trying to flirt with me first. She's with him. Or was with him. They had the mother of all domestics about her flirting with me. Which is why she shot at me, to prove she was only trying to ruin me."
Stephen grimaced. "I'm going to have a talk with both of them. Petry knows better." He got up to check Xander's injuries. It was like foreplay for them sometimes. That and handling the weapons before battles. Xander let him with a sigh but he was pleased his boyfriend cared enough to fuss at him.
***
Alex leaned into the office of the head of the United States Demonic Council. "I have a wacky idea." The secretary was looking a bit weirded out and worried. "What if we start a push to make a law that says 'every being is equal under the law'? That'll include everyone. It shouldn't be too controversial. It'd help with some of the racial disparity we've seen."
The secretary nodded slowly. "People will complain no matter what because it came from one of the community, Harris."
He grinned. "We can start it with someone else. Get them to head it. It's something that should be stated but isn't."
"Someone will still complain about demons and legal things."
"That's PR problems."
"True. We've been working on that for years." She frowned. "I can suggest it to the boss, Harris. How would you even do that? It'd have to be an amendment level law."
"Political action committee, grass roots movements?"
"Point. I'll breach it with him."
"Great!" He grinned. "The DA that kept having people arrested for being demons quit because his wife was found to have taken up with an incubus to piss him off." He winked and left to go to work.
She went to tell her boss that news. He could decide if it was politically a sound move to make for the whole community. It seemed to be something that shouldn't need to be said but it could end a few problems for the ones being persecuted.
***
Alex looked at that same bigoted judge, this time over someone else's problems. "Your Honor, must we keep meeting this way? I still have no idea why those officers decided to make themselves more work when they're ignoring actual crimes going on. This one was simply grocery shopping. He wasn't trying to shoplift.
"He had to run out to the car to grab his wallet and left the cart near a register with a word for the cashier. The thing she thought he was stealing was actually his egg. Thankfully his wife could claim said egg before the ones over on the other side of the room destroyed it," he finished sarcastically.
He looked over there, seeing the glares. "Also, I know they're supposedly pro-life but they were arrested and beaten a lot for trying to tear down a nursery and preschool center for the community.
"I know I beat one of them pretty badly. They were with that priest that's been talked about non-stop on certain channels." He smiled at them. "I'm not sure if they're even supposed to be on their jobs since supposedly they were suspended for that."
The judge rubbed his eyebrow. "I'd like to never see you again, Mr. Harris. Especially for things like this." He looked at the file. "The cashier called on him?"
"For carrying his egg in a carrier on his chest," Alex said with a nod. "He came back in and store security stopped him, looked at the egg, groaned, and let him check out. Then three officers showed up to arrest him for buying groceries for his family."
"They lay eggs?"
"His species does. They're distantly related to ducks." He smiled at the guy then at the judge. "They're very honest people, and usually very law abiding."
"Why do they lay eggs?"
"Some species have primate style births, some lay eggs, some give birth like marsupials." Alex shrugged. "That's how their people evolved. Why is him having an egg any more weird than a kangaroo having a worm looking baby in a pouch or us having them inside our bodies?"
"I....well, that makes some sense but most people are more used to how humans give birth so we find it a bit weird. Though many find kangaroos weird too I guess. Is there a species like that?"
"There's three planes with species that do the pouch thing," Alex said with a nod. "All but one is very peaceful. They're a warrior clan that has kept despots out of their people for over three millennia."
"Do they look like kangaroos?"
"No, the only species I know of that does are pets, and they're bonded to their owners. If their owner tries to rehome them or dies, they die of it too."
"Interesting." He nodded, making that note for himself. "All right, so they arrested him for paying for his groceries?"
"Apparently," Alex agreed. "When they searched him and he kept them from throwing the egg at the ground to intentionally kill it, they didn't find anything he was trying to sneak out. He had a half-roll of certs in his pocket but it was his with how it had been used."
The judge nodded, looking at the officers. "Do you have any excuse for any of that?"
"He's not normal!" the lead officer complained, pointing at them. "No one accepts that stuff!"
"Some of us are tolerant," Alex shot back. "The town I grew up in had a lot of peaceful beings who were hiding there because they looked a bit weird. The hellmouth in Sunnydale had twice as many non-humans as humans and only ten percent of them were dangerous. Mostly vampires." Alex stared at him. "Every being is equal under the law and yet you've proven a few times that you're into prejudice against anyone who isn't you." He looked at the judge again.
"Everyone should be equal under the law," the judge agreed. "Though that's not stated and is in fact stated against that theory."
"Then they made a few constitutional amendments to stop that," Alex said.
"Point." The judge looked at the person then at the officers. "Was there any proof he had shoplifted anything?" They growled but shook their heads. "Mr. Harris, is he a good citizen?"
"He's got a job that many would not appreciate," Alex admitted. "But someone's got to keep down the bad in the community if the local slayer's not available."
"So he's a hunter?" the judge asked.
Alex looked at his client, who nodded. "I am. My clan is called when there's an attempt to upset the community by outing things or someone trying a takeover move."
Alex shrugged at the judge. "So he's a slayer but not a girl. I kinda fit into that myself if something happens in front of me."
"A few wanted us to take you out for outing Wolfram and Hart," the client admitted.
Alex smirked at him. "They came after me." He looked at the judge again, blocking the hit at him and glaring at the client. "Want to meet me in a battle ring?" The demon shook his head quickly, backing down. Alex smiled at the judge. "I outed a demonic law firm that works for the wrong side and does neat things like human sacrifices for power; they're the reason that the judge you interned with died."
The judge rubbed his eyebrow again. "He was?"
"Not me," the client said. "But yes, Wolfram and Hart were behind that order. He was going to butt into the community's ability to self govern."
Alex shrugged. "I've known people who fought them since the year I graduated high school, Your Honor. They're evil. They're behind the invasion of LA. So of course I stepped back when they tried to get into my face."
The judge nodded but was smiling. "Nice work from what I heard."
"Thank you. I was about to try to claim their status in the demon courts but Connor out in LA had more right to it."
The demon client looked at him oddly. "Why would you?"
Alex looked at him. "Because sometimes I or my twin need to handle things." He smirked at him. "The same as I have been since I got to DC."
"Oh." He slumped but grimaced, almost pouting.
Alex smiled at the judge. Who was shaking his head but looked amused. "So can my client go home to baby his egg, Your Honor?"
"I suppose as there's no evidence he was going to shoplift." He signed the order and let the guy go free. "Mr. Harris, must we keep meeting this way?"
"Whenever I'm hired to handle this," he assured him happily. "Make them stop it and we only have to see each other at the lawyer bars when someone in the SBA or Homeland annoy me over some demon's company."
"If I could make them stop it, I would, Harris. They're giving me a lot more work too."
"Then enforce that everyone's equal under the law," Alex said with a smile. The judge stared at him. "State it legally so they can challenge it and lose."
"Is that a push?"
"I'm starting a PAC to make it one. I learned how to community organize." He smirked like a politician. "Someone's got to work between the USDC and the US Congress."
The judge shuddered and shook his head. "I wish you much luck with that, Mr. Harris. It could use being done." He stared at him. "Politics later in your life?"
"Probably not unless I have to so everyone's protected. I mean, there's some crackhead that saw into another realm where I was the president but I'm not looking toward that here." He smiled again.
The judge just nodded once. Then looked at the other side. "You realize you're pushing him to make plans, right?" They groaned and sat back down. "If you keep doing this, it just makes him want to be more politically savvy. Someday he'll become president if you keep pushing him." They all shuddered at that. "Exactly. So stop it. That way he has to calm down." They nodded, stomping off almost pouting. He smiled at Harris. "You're going to drive us nuts."
"Only if I have to, though I reserve that for people I *really* like. Who have been deadly mostly." He shrugged but grinned. The judge shook his head quickly but signed the order to let that one go and went to talk to the other judges about that idea and the future PAC. If they could make Harris quit having to act to protect others...they'd all get some free afternoons.
Alex looked at the demon. "Let's get you home to your egg."
"Thank you, Harris." He went to get unarrested. Plus tell others about what Harris was doing. They all thought Xander was the annoying one among the twins.
***
Alex looked at the man in his office doorway. "What can I do for you?" he asked, waving a hand at his guest chair. "Are you having a problem with a business matter?"
"We wanted to look at some demonic body systems for our zoology program, Mr. Harris."
"I can put you in touch with the community but I can't really give you that sort of information myself." He blinked a few times. "There's healers, have you talked to them about that sort of material? They have to learn it so they probably have the textbooks handy."
"I hadn't thought of that," he admitted. "I know you've been busy in Africa."
"That's my twin," Alex said with a smile. "I'm retired from all that unless it happens in front of me or threatens me. Or tries to end the world. I'd hate to never have decent Thai food again." He grinned. "I can definitely put up in touch with the healers to see if they can loan you books or even maybe draw up what you need to use to teach others."
"Is the community going to allow that?"
"That would be up to them. The USDC, the Demonic Congress, hasn't put out anything on that subject for the overall communities in the US. They probably would defer to the healers' wants on that. Though I know they have been mad that emergency rooms won't treat certain groups."
"I hadn't thought about that." Alex nodded, looking up a number on his computer then handing it over. "Oh, they're close to the college."
Alex nodded. "They're the head healers in the area. They have the research team too. They're the ones that throw the conferences and all that."
"That's actually probably what I need then. Thank you, Mr. Harris." He shook his hand and left.
"Have a great day," Alex called after him. He sent the healers an email about that and him having given that professor their phone number, email, and the business office's address. That way any patients weren't endangered. He left it there and made a note for his boss that he had referred them to someone more capable of handling that problem.
"Harris," his boss called.
Alex got up and went up there. "What's up, Boss?"
"Why are you speaking on behalf of the USDC?"
"I'm not."
"You were noted as talking about a community group?"
"Which isn't just about them. It'd stop a lot of the other hate crimes and it would also mean that those corporate bastards that buy their way out of trouble can't." He leaned on the doorway, his arms crossed. "Stating all beings are equal under the law means that racially, species, and gender are all covered for everyone. I also noted I was going to start community organizing among everyone, not just the peaceful community."
"Okay," he said. "That's simplistic."
"Sometimes the simple things are meaningful. It's not stated in the law. It's assumed. We've seen assumptions overturned repeatedly by the courts. We have amendments that stated it kind of. This would wrap all those together nicely and would give people a way to enforce certain laws equally."
"That's a pipe dream. Especially about the ultra rich."
"Probably but it gives the DOJ an added tool."
He considered it, leaning back. "Did you tell anyone at the USDC?"
"I leaned into Stephanie's office to talk to her assistant."
"That's nice. The judge?"
"The biggest uneven judge in the city? That's why those sort use him to try to get demons in trouble."
"I've heard." He stared at him. "You go to the law bars?"
"When I seriously need a drink thanks to the SBA and Homeland," Alex said dryly. "It's the closest bar to their offices. Not like I want to drink and I'll keep myself down to one drink in that sort of situation so I don't look like my father was."
The boss nodded at that. "I always thought you went to the hip clubs."
"At night sometimes." He grinned. "My sort of bad girls don't frequent those though. Oh, and if Homeland shows up about the last date, she's in Daytona this week. I already slipped a note to the agents I've worked with. They all realize that no good person is drawn to either of us Harrises." He let out a smug look at the person behind him. "Hey, Patricia."
"Did you date again?"
"Last week. She's in Daytona."
"Charming. Is she a thief like the last one?"
"Political assassin." She sighed but nodded. "What do you think about starting a full DC community wide push to start a law stating everyone's equal under the law? Stated as every being. Human and not."
She considered it, then shrugged. "Sounds simple and it'd probably go to the courts but others would probably appreciate it. The peaceful community might not like it so much but it'd be handy to defend themselves." She walked off. "Let me know how your organizing is going."
"I will." He looked at his boss, who was rolling his eyes. "I did take lessons in how to community organize."
"You're still weird, Harris."
Alex grinned. "You know, someone in the healers saw across the realms to see if any Xander was normal. She found one that was president of his US." The higher up looked horrified at that. Alex grinned. "Thankfully not in my plans. Or the one that was in the agency that became the enforcing wall between humanity and the peaceful communities. He made sure it was legal, ethical, and ran the slayers too." He smirked as he walked off.
"Shit," his boss muttered. "If you're going to run for office, quit first," he called after him.
"I don't want to do that, boss. I feel very sorry for the one over there."
"I feel sorry for that world," he muttered, telling the other higher ups in the law firm and the ones he knew on the USDC. They found out who had scried, had her do it in front of them so they could see it, and were stunned that he was good at it but horrified that Xander Harris, any Xander Harris, was the president of the US. It was a good threat to use against their enemies.
***
Alex showed up in an airport, going through their customs desk. He smiled at the horrified looking agent. "You probably met my twin Xander. Right?" he asked with a smile. She nodded and shuddered. "I'm in visiting him." She stamped his passport and let him leave the airport but she did warn her supervising agents.
Alex went to the courthouse, going to check on his twin. The officers glared. He smiled and held up his ID. "You're not him?" one demanded.
"No, I'm his twin. I'm also his personal lawyer." He beamed. "And for Stephen if he's in here too." The officer backed away shaking his head. He went to check on his twin, who looked bad. "Did they do that to you? Because that's illegal even by their laws. Thankfully I've finally gotten an international law license to help you and the girls." He leaned on the bars, staring at his twin. "Did you find corruption and they wanted to shut you up or did you try to prevent something before it happened?"
"Both." Xander walked over. "Giles is trying."
"That's who told me." He smirked at the staring officer, who was shuddering. "So, let's get this started." He looked at his twin again. "What did you do?" Xander told him in his ear, getting a nod. "Sounds reasonable." He walked off to talk to the officers, who hated him already by the looks they were giving.
"I can let that one prove himself. If he's in his last phase he's immortal. If he's human he probably doesn't have any sort of healing gift. You can cut him on a limb in a non-fatal way to prove that. As long as it's about a hundred days before he changes."
"The eclipse is in one-hundred-three-days," an officer said. "We still can't release your twin."
"Thankfully I'm the lawyer of the two of us." Alex grinned. The officer shuddered. "With an international certification. I made sure in case my twin ran into just such a problem. Or the slayers." He looked around. "I haven't seen Stephen. Is he not here yet?"
"He's in Nairobi," that officer said, staring at him. "We have heard about how you came to be."
"The redheaded witch got panicky before graduation? Yeah. But since then I've done a lot of things. Including retired from the Council before I beat the living shit out of a few of them." He looked back at Willow, who was pale. "You needed something, Willow?"
"We came to bail Xander out?"
"He's not being offered bail," the officer noted.
"I can get that changed through a judge," Alex chirped. The officers all shuddered. "Unless that's the one that's turning? I heard it was a president but I know he may not be the only one who wants that power."
"No, the president told the judge not to grant bail."
"We can ask again," Alex said happily. "Because if he's not there you guys have to handle all your own problems." He grinned. They groaned at that. "Exactly. So let me start a petition to get him released to home arrest." He walked off to do that, pulling out his laptop to type on.
Willow swallowed. "Are you evil?" she demanded quietly.
He smirked at her. "Only when I have to be because my twin's in trouble. Haven't figured that out yet?" She squeaked and left. He hummed, going back to it. "She tried to babyfy my twin recently. And turned him into a girl for a few hours. And a cat once. I was not pleased." The listening officers went the other way because they didn't want to deal with it. Any of this situation.
***
Alex was still there for the ascension attempt. He even had some weapons. They had tried to stop him too. They couldn't arrest him because they had no evidence he had done anything at all beyond going to his hotel room and helping his twin with his legal defense or calling Tony to talk to his dogs.
They had tried to beat him once and hadn't liked what had happened when he had pulled out a collapsible rod and beaten them into the ER that night. They really wanted to stop him from ending their people's issue. He sighed and aimed at the guy doing the changing chant. The officers around him were trying not to watch.
The guy almost managed it but failed at the last minute, changing into something else. "Awww. He failed." He fired on it anyway, making it go up in a large gout of flame. "Pity. Loser." He made sure the new demon was dead from the fire before looking at the ones around him. He waved at the staring people. "My twin's still locked up. Of course I'm helping him."
He glared at the staring judge. Who was also trying to change. "Go ahead. I'm waiting. I have patience, unlike Xander." The man tried to run as he changed but got tripped by his human clothes tearing and tangling in his legs. The military got him down and killed. Alex looked at the officers. "Can my brother go free now?"
"The judge said he could earlier," one said quietly. "He's headed for an emergency room."
"You're going to be lucky if I don't sue your people on his behalf for all that." He strolled off. They tried to get him but he could fight that off. Including the new graze by Stephen. "He's in the ER, Stephen. I'm going to sue them for that shit." He finished walking off. He'd deal with his twin's boyfriend in a bit. "Let me go baby my twin." He glared at Stephen, who shrank away from him. "Good idea."
He got Xander out of the hospital, back to his house that night, and did indeed sue the hell out of those people. Every single named one on the records, all the police department, the two prisoners they had beat his twin, everyone. When someone tried to turn it down he added additional evidence and went to the press there. They weren't happy with their president or judge. Or the third one trying it that had also failed but had mostly stayed human. The peaceful community had ended that attempt themselves.
***
Xander answered the door, staring at the nice looking guy on the other side. "Alex is in the bathroom for about ten minutes. I forgot how to make microwave nachos and it upset his belly. He's too delicate these days." He let him in. "I'm guessing you're his coworker?"
"Someday. I'm Tony." He smiled and shook the hand held out. "I know you're his twin."
"I barely remember seeing you when he was in the hospital."
Alex came out shaking his head. "It wasn't your cooking, it was the ranch dressing." He hugged Tony. "Come to play with the dogs?"
"That too. My teacher's a bitch." He settled in on the couch with the dogs, letting them come play with him. He'd had them while Alex was helping his twin. "Someone FBI wanted me to ask you what you were doing over there, Alex."
"My beloved evil half was being his lawyer self and then he blew the hell out of the president I got arrested for trying to stop from sacrificing babies," Xander said dryly.
Tony patted him on the shoulder. "It's good he did get stopped. Are you okay?"
"Mostly. Though I'm not sure where my twin got that weapon?"
Alex grinned. "Weapons fairy." He grinned at Tony, who was rolling his eyes. "What? Sometimes they visit me instead of him." He shrugged but made them some coffee. "Milk, Tony?"
"Please." He came in to fix his own cup and went back to play with the dogs some more.
Alex brought out things for him and his twin, settling in his chair. "Why else did you come over? Because all teachers are bitches as far as I could tell."
"Mine for Torts is being an epic dumbass of galactic proportions."
"Is he an alien?" Xander asked, looking happy. "The only one of those I've met was really stupid too. He tried to tell me I was just a human and we were weak."
Alex shook his head. "No comment about the one downtown." He sipped his coffee when Tony gave him an odd look. He grinned at the continued staring. "No. Comment."
"Is he a danger to the US?" Tony asked finally.
"He's still breathing," Alex said. Xander burst out giggling, nodding at that. "Is yours?"
"Went home before I let the sixteen succuba I summoned have him. They agreed, he looked sour and had backed up energies. He wasn't even good enough to be a comic book villain. I was so disappointed at what aliens were like."
Tony patted him on the arm. "It could've been a political level one."
"Oh, he probably was. He was wearing something like velvet and silk. Really decorated jacket that looked like he had watched a Beatles movie." He flapped a hand and took a sip of his coffee. "So damn boring." He looked at his twin. "Is my boyfriend still around?"
"They called in his debts for trying to shoot me after I dealt with that presidential idiot." He grinned. "I think he's alive but you'll have to go ask for him back."
Xander sighed but nodded. "He was mostly good to me but started to think I was weak."
"Well, he probably doesn't think you are now," Alex said cheerfully, grinning at him. "They've showed him exactly what you've done. He apparently missed some stuff."
"On purpose," Xander shot back.
Alex grinned at him. "Pity."
"Fuck." Devil barked at him. "I know, your daddy probably doesn't have to swear at too many people."
"Bullshit. I work against the government. I swear at a lot of people and they're happy when I'm venting instead of suing." He smirked. "I did get a bit meaner than usual for one that's had repeated problems. I pointed out they were better to two groups of assassins than they were this guy who shipped pork products."
He sipped his coffee. "They're not amused with me. I think I may be banned from the building. Again." He grinned at Tony. "They hate it when I have to show up. They'll call a meeting in a few days then get really mad that they've banned me from the building and send someone else who'll swear at them for me."
"I think I want to stay criminal law," Tony decided, petting the dogs again. They were happy with his petting. It was nice to be liked for something good. "Did you talk to my last girlfriend, Alex?"
"She called me to warn me to leave you alone because knowing me would tank your future career. I laughed and hung up on her."
"Ah, that one. No, Gretchen."
"Assassin lady I dated last year?" Alex quipped. "Yes, I did. She had a contract out on you too but wanted to see if you lived up to gossip." Tony stared at him. He grinned and sipped his coffee. "It was so nice she got so tired she begged for some help to get free of my tongue and fingers." Xander snickered, shaking his head.
"Seriously, called her bestie, who's a secretary on the Hill and she just joined in to spare her killing little girlfriend. They both came out to agents in the morning because someone was tracking one of the ladies. He stared at me so I shrugged and said I was protecting you by diverting her attention. Then I went to get breakfast and go shower."
Tony shook his head with a sigh, staring at the dogs. "Is that why Calibra called me to tell me she was sorry to have tossed me over?"
"Maybe. Not sure. That one said her name was Helen."
"Oh, her." He nodded once. "She was uptight."
"Until I made her squeal. Loudly. Then she cried that she had given up all those wild things to become respectable. The girls hugged, I cuddled, then I diverted the assassin again. Her bestie joined in."
Tony sighed again. "Thanks."
"Welcome. I left a message on your voicemail."
"Yeah, my phone got tapped."
"Which is illegal," Xander quipped.
Tony looked at him. "They may have a secret warrant."
"Look it up yet?" Alex asked.
"I don't have access."
"I do. I won some." He waved a hand, letting Tony go use his computer to look that up. Since they heard Tony swearing at someone, he guessed it was idiots in the government again. Alex answered the phone. "Yes, Willow?" he asked patiently.
"Did Xander get released for real? There's talk about calling him back about all that."
"I managed to stop him from sacrificing the babies but he went around it," Xander said. "And yes, they released me to go get medical treatment. I'm not under anything saying I have to stay there, Willow." He looked up then sighed and petted the dogs again. "I can check later when I call my girls."
"You could come home."
"Cleveland isn't home and I hate that hellmouth. It hates me just as much," he said patiently. "Or don't you remember it opening up and staying open for four days until I could get out of the city?"
"Oh, that," she said, sounding like she was pouting. "Giles would like to see you."
"I'm in DC. He can get here. I'm sure he can call Alex to find a restaurant we can meet up at or in the park over hotdogs, whatever."
"Oh. Okay. I'll let him know. Be safe. I know Alex is retired so probably hiring guards or something."
Alex snorted. "Not likely. The only ones who want me dead locally are Wolfram and Hart or a few officers who I have to keep fighting for arresting peaceful community members. Maybe someone at the Small Business Association because I've exposed the bigots over there who're causing problems." He sipped his coffee.
"But you're retired."
"And if something happens in front of me I'll handle a bitch," Alex said dryly. "The same as you would. Well, maybe not the same way but I'd still handle it." He waved at the phone. "Night." He hung up, looking at Xander.
"Did she really say she'd make me pregnant?"
"Yeah. Stephen nearly decked her for it." He grinned. His twin smirked back. "She also offered to rechange you into a girl."
"No, I don't like that idea." They shared a grin and got comfy with the dogs. "What if they come after the furry kids?"
"I'll go so thrill kill they'll never find all the parts," Alex said simply. "Especially if it's Wolfram and Hart. They tried once and I spent the next day disabling their mechanisms for political power. Did Giles note the favor owing politicians in Congress yet?"
"Not to me. He may have not seen it."
"Point." He nodded slightly. "I can make sure they hear more widely than around DC. It is an election year in a year." They shared an other grin.
Tony came out. "Yes, Sheppard is still trying."
"Isn't she nearly dead of something?"
"No clue? Haven't seen the witch," Tony said dryly.
"No, that's in Cleveland," Xander said. "She offered to change me into a girl or make me pregnant for my boyfriend."
Tony stared at him. "Really?" They nodded. "That's fucked up," Tony decided then sighed. "I've got L3 tests next week. I can't believe it's been a year."
Xander grinned at him. "You'll ace them better than Alex did."
"Yeah, a few things I can answer in my sleep," he admitted, sitting down and getting a dog in his lap. "Hey, Duke." He petted him slowly while thinking. "I can probably do something about her."
Alex grinned at him. "Use the politics against her, Tony."
"I hate doing that."
"So do I but sometimes you gotta just let it go so you can stand back and smirk while things fall apart around them."
"Point. That is pretty," Tony said.
Xander snickered quietly. "I enjoy watching that too. There's a few who've done that to themselves by not letting me handle things." The twins shared a grin and Alex went to make snacks and more coffee. Xander looked at Tony. "So, are you two...." He swished his hand in the air.
"No. He's a good friend but we're not together, Xander."
"Someone wanted me to have you when you ran for office," Alex said. "Be your politically savvy wife."
"I've stopped two plots to make you and whoever you were with at the time screw like succuba in heat," Xander said.
Alex looked at him. "I stopped one by pointing out I only have the dogs here usually. Was yours from the Succuba Guild?"
"No. Though one was. They think you're not fun."
"I'm not for them. They can't eat off me." He brought over the cheesy garlic bread and more coffee. "Lunch." They dug in and nibbled while working over the current plots in their lives. They all had plots to defeat. Maybe they could solve each other's.
***
Law and Orderly Chaos.