Alex looked up from his hospital bed in DC, waving at his coworker. "Hey, Alexsis. Are my dogs okay? I'm going home tonight."
"They're fine, Alex. What the heck?"
"Not my doing!" he said in a sing-song. "Rosenburg called the bosses then kidnaped my ass." She winced. "After the battle, Giles made her admit what she had done. Though I do need to talk to our bosses because she said she told them I wouldn't be able to come back."
"Oh, dear."
"Yeah." He stared at her. "If so, I'll miss you when I start my own office. I do have that nice library for it." She patted him on the arm. "At least Xander has Stephen to baby him," he said, looking at his leg. It had a lot of stitches. A whole lot of stitches down it.
"Alex, good lovers don't like heros. They're always banged up and have to run off to do things," she said gently.
He nodded. "That's why I was retired. Not my choice. She told me that only men could fight it. Apparently Xander and I an old history point that she doesn't want the new girls to see. I need to go kick her ass at her tribunal but the witches are hiding her again."
"You'll heal," she said. "Then you can kick her around."
"Oh, it's going to be epic," he assured her dryly. "The boys at home?"
"Yeah. They're napping in your library. They've taken over the couch again. The bosses tried to tell us you weren't going to be back before your messenger got there." He grinned. "No idea what's going on."
"I'm going to find out. This pisses me off and brings me back to Xander land. Or I could suggest Xander come back to find out for me."
She patted him on the arm again. "We'll all figure it out with you. Let me get back to work. Are you coming in tomorrow?"
"Yeah. I'll have a cane but yup." She nodded, going to pass that news around. He laid there and seethed. Someone really needed to be destroyed as only a Xander could. If it was his bosses, well.... He could start his own law firm.
***
Alex strolled in the next morning, staring at the waiting bosses. "You gave me to her?" he asked.
"She said it was an emergency and they needed more skilled men," one said.
Alex shook his head. "You were telling people I wasn't coming back." They winced. "So what did she actually say? And do be aware I can put a truth spell on the building." He stared at them.
"She said that the Council was trying to get rid of the ones who were looking bad on them."
"My twin's saved the world a number of times because his trainees are little kids. I've done that a few times myself." He gave them a pointed look. "If you want me gone that much I'll gladly go start my own firm to compete with this one." One winced at that.
"You did take out a law firm."
"No, I took out a threat to my life," he said patiently. "They tried me and lost. I did not start that, I just finished it. The same as I do any fight that starts on me." That lawyer stepped away from him. "You're breaching my contract, and the contract of everyone here possibly, to cooperate with the same addicted witch who thought all of Africa dying was perfectly fine."
Another winced. "I've enjoyed my time working here and learning from people, but *really*." Another one shrank away from him. "Now, am I still employed? Or are you going to try something else to endanger my life? Because I have to say, this isn't endearing me to breaking my contract peacefully."
"We could just fire you, Harris."
Alex smiled. "Firing me for this means that I get to sue you for unlawful termination. My contract states why I can be fired. As I can prove you gave me to her to be kidnaped and killed....." He shrugged. Then he smiled.
"You can't prove that."
"I can prove that. I've got a copy of the security tapes. Every one of us can log into them and download them for later client purposes." He smiled when they all winced. "A lot of us do that as part of the client files so no one can come back and dispute why they hired us or that they hired us. All phone calls are recorded as part of the security system." All four higher ups winced at that. "We're lawyers, we're conniving and we're sneaky, but we also have CYA down pat."
"Are you going to punish us now?" one demanded.
"If you make me. You guys are the ones who started this fight by giving me to the idiot addict to kill me. I have no idea why you wanted to kill me."
"You hold status, which shouldn't go to a human," one said.
Alex nodded. "Then again I'm not the normal human." He smirked a bit. "Anyone can hold status. Ghengis Khan held status because he took over three demon villages. Thomas Jefferson had status because he accidentally took in a demon as a slave. The fact I've had status since I was seventeen, because I won it in a poker game, doesn't mean jack to anyone unless I have to pull it out to pull rank.
"The fact I have more now, thanks to someone trying me, doesn't mean anything to anyone unless I'm in front of a demonic court or using it to shut a higher level demon up when they're doing something stupid. I used it last month to stop a drunken idiot and made him go home instead of losing his temper on a human.
'If I wanted to use it more often I would've taken up the offer to become the queen of a demon realm. Which was why Wolfram and Hart started on me. They got scared that I was strong enough to turn that offer down and mean it. It showed that Xander and I were a real threat to them taking over humanity.
"He proves it often and so do I by protecting this area. The fact I have a day job just means that I'm not leaning on my trust for daily coffee things. Especially since I make about sixty-percent of what most lawyers make. And about thirty percent of what Patricia made when she came in." He smiled a bit. They groaned at that fact. "I was willing to put up with that because I like the work I do here. Or did here."
"We..." The four of them looked at each other. "You do draw attention to yourself."
"When?"
"You freed that group last month. Everyone heard," the most senior partner said.
Alex shook his head. "Wasn't me. I was going to handle it but Bradley and his group got there first." He shifted his weight, leaning on the wall. Boris came running out to bark at him. "Hey, Boris." He cooed as he petted his ears. "I don't have a single treat on me, sorry, dear. Go back to mommy?" The poodle ran back to his human.
Alex looked at them. "Everyone knew that wasn't me. The same as they know that Bradley is a watcher spawn so he knows enough to do the work for real. It did save me some work. I appreciate him for that. We traded sword cleaner recipes. He's not bad. Not too jump happy."
"We heard it was you."
"No. I asked if I needed to and got told Bradley did it. You can check if you want." He pulled out his phone to call a bar. "It's Alex," he said, putting it on speaker. "My bosses think I saved that group last month."
"No, that was Bradley," the guy on the other end complained. "Are you still alive?"
"Yeah, the addicted cunt of a witch tried really hard but I am a Xander. I have a ton of stitches on a leg, it tried to split it the long-way instead of cutting it off, but I'm fully alive."
"We've been told that he's bothered the community greatly over helping things that weren't a problem," one of the partners said. "And who are you?"
"I'm the bartender and bookkeeper at the poker hall on M," he said dryly. "The boss of the poker circuit in this area of the city. That rumor, and that whining, has been started by the ones at Wolfram and Hart who are still complaining he shut them down to save himself." Alex grinned at that. "Harris is really pretty inactive these days unless someone bigger asks. Harris, what is with the house?"
"My new house? It's too big for me but it has really pretty wood."
"There was a person trying to sell it on you."
"I get to spank someone because I'm not selling that house. There had been someone who tried that before I bought it from the courts." He cleared his throat. "Who was trying to sell it?"
"Your coworker."
"Ah." He nodded, looking at his bosses. "Even if I had died, I have a will. A very iron clad will. Tony gets the house and the dogs. He knows that."
"They can charm him," the bartender reminded him.
Alex snorted. "Tony used to be the senior agent under Gibbs," he said dryly. "He's more stubborn than anyone. Even me. We proved this when he out-stubborned me about Merideth."
"Damn," the bartender sighed. "I'll let others know."
"Did they get into my house?"
"No, your protections held. They did have pictures."
"That tells me which one it was." He looked at his bosses. "Trying me that way is really not ethical. Isn't this firm rabid about ethics?"
"It used to be," the bartender on the phone quipped. "Sometimes they're lawyers though."
"Hey!" Alex complained. "I'm ethical most of the time."
"You are, kid. Anything else?"
"No. Thank you. I'll pay Barney tonight since I'm out of the hospital. You can tell the others that the addict had this plot to remove us. Which means that she once again wants all of Africa to die."
"They'll go on a hunt. They've all but called it already, Harris."
"No, if she's killed, Xander and I get to do it. I've needed to smite her since she made us twins without our permission."
"You have fun with that, Harris. The community wants to end her."
"The coven is hiding her. Again. Let Xander help? I'm not in shape to hunt this week."
"How bad?" the bartender asked. "Holly's boyfriend has been a dick again."
"Ninety-something stitches down my left leg from mid-thigh down thanks to that stupid sword of his. Thankfully I borrowed Xander's axe. Tell Holly I'll gladly help her file a restraining order in both courts."
"I can do that, Harris. Feel better." He hung up.
Alex put his phone up, staring at his bosses. "So you decided to sabotage me based on the worst, most stereotypical evil lawyers ever's words?" He smiled a bit. "Gee, thanks." They groaned. "If you're firing me, I'm going to push my contract's fines." Boris came back so he petted him again.
"Tell your human I'm not mad at you, you're a good dog. Your human, not so good of a good human." Boris panted so he petted him and teased him a bit with a grin. Boris ran back to his human's office. Alex looked at him. "I'd never take out this shit on an innocent like a dog. Unlike many." They groaned. "So, do I pack my desk and enforce my contract's penalties?"
"Yes," one said. "You bring too much attention and you do things like be kidnapped."
"You guys gave her how to get me through the wards." He walked off, going to pack his desk. He petted Boris again then leaned in to look at his former coworker. "I'd never take out your sins on your dog. The dog's an innocent." She winced at that. "Don't try it again either, Alexsis. Everyone knows I have a will." He paused in on a few others to say goodbye and tell them to call if they wanted his help.
He went home to play with his dogs. They were happy to have him back early. He was happy to put his things in his office and send out a few emails checking on open positions. Just in case he didn't want to start his own office. He also got his other lawyer friend to go after his old bosses for contract violations. His contract said they'd pay him off if they tried to sell him to some demons or other evil entities. They were going to have to pay a lot for what they did.
"I'm a lawyer, you fuck with me I fuck back and make you pay me for the hours I worked doing it," he told the dogs, who loved him so lapped him for it.
***
Alex looked at the judge over his termination suit. "Your Honor, they were immediately responsible for my kidnaping." He handed over a statement. "From the witch that kidnaped and tried to kill me, from her own coven tribunal about her sins and issues. The office has protections on it. My office had painted on, specifically made against that witch, protections around the room as well. They had to get those from my former bosses."
"I see she says she kidnaped you to remove you because having people who weren't slayers looked bad on them?" He looked up.
"She kidnaped me and my twin. My twin brother is the watcher in Africa. He had to leave early to go handle a battle in his area of the world with his boyfriend."
"Is that her problem with him?"
"The girlfriend she nearly destroyed the world after losing would've been really mad at her if it was," he said dryly. The judge winced at that. "Yeah, same addicted witch. She's also why I'm a twin. She decided we needed more people before a battle and I just *had* to be out of the fighting so I'd be helping remove possible victims. We woke up this way one morning."
The judge shook his head. "The Council is very weird."
"Yes but Willow's had a magic addiction since before we graduated high school. It got worse when she stared to suck in black magic on purpose for the high about a year after graduation."
"Damn."
"Yes, and she's never even tried to put us back together. Right now, the theory is that if we die, we'll absorb the other's essence back but no one's sure. So trying to kill Xander, as she stated, meant that she had to get us both. Which my bosses kindly taught her how to kidnap me to do." He waved a hand at them. "Then my former law firm had one of my coworkers try to sell my house on me, without authority. As I was still alive and just injured...." He shrugged. "And she knew that. She visited me in the hospital."
"Are they against you for other reasons?" the judge asked sarcastically.
"I had to fight a personal battle earlier last year and it apparently freaked some people out realizing I'm still a Harris. Wolfram and Hart tried to attack me personally and lost. They stated that they were a bit upset about me having status suddenly, even though I'd had most of that since I was seventeen and won it in a poker game. That didn't matter until I took down the law firm that used to order judge and lawyer assassinations and was behind the LA invasion."
"How did you do that?"
Alex grinned. "First I turned them in for their dirty natures. Then when that only made them mad they tried to attack more bluntly and I fought that off. Then their senior partners, all higher ranking demon lords, tried to physically attack me and, well, I won. I made a mess."
"By yourself?"
"Yes. Slayer Faith showed up after I made a mess. I borrowed one of my brother's weapons. And used my sword on the minion they sent first."
The judge shook his head quickly. "So you shut them down?"
"Yes. After I broke and dissolved all the soul owning contracts they had and the stored souls they had captured already. I found out a few weeks later that meant I had inherited the law firm so I shut it down formally at that time by dissolving it and paying back whatever they had paid to get into their positions.
"Only one needed to be paid money. It came out of petty cash. I can pull up the files on all that. I did alert the feds investigating them that I had done so and all the paperwork was copied for their investigations into the individual lawyers. It made their case a bit harder but easier to get them up for arrest since they were all under soul capturing clauses in their contracts."
"That's good of you, Mr. Harris. How did you win status?"
He grinned. "Kitten poker back in high school. One of them owed me about twelve kittens and had no money. I agreed he could honor the debt some other way, thinking it might be handy to be able to call on him if we had a huge problem in Sunnydale. Instead I won his status. He was the third son of some warlord despot."
"So you actually already had status when you signed on?"
"I did. And that was well known among the community. It's in my profile on the demon intelligence network site, which the company would've used to do part of the background check on me." He let him see it. "This is today's."
The judge looked it over and nodded. "It does list that you won status at seventeen." He hummed. "It lists you in a relationship?"
"There's a plot there," he sighed. "We're friends but Tony's never hit on me."
"It's listing Anyanka?"
"Xander's former fiancee. She had been a vengeance demon for over a millennia but lost her position and they took up. She was dating him when we were split but he ...enjoyed her ideas more than I did."
"Is she evil now?"
"She died in the last battle in Sunnydale. If she's back, my twin's going to have a fit. Especially if it restarts the First Evil things. Or his boyfriend will snipe her."
"She's not evil?"
"She was the one that women who were scorned or abused call on to make vengeance wishes."
The judge shuddered. "I've seen some women that would've done very nasty things to their ex's thanks to divorces."
Alex grinned again. "She turned one man into the only flush toilet in his Central American village because he beat his wife for not putting the toilet seat up for him."
"So yes, she could be dangerous and nasty if warranted," the judge decided. "Not your type?"
"I didn't like how she made a paycheck and expected us to pay for everything. Including her birth control pills that we made sure she went on. She tried not to for a bit but I had a talk with her about how mothers were poor and had to take care of others, like a non-religious nun. She decided that was bad for her need for money and sex."
"Ah." He nodded. "Seen a few of those too," he admitted, going back to it. "Why does your contract have a clause in latin? And what does it say?"
"It's a 'you cannot turn on me intentionally without me getting you back for it clause, Judge Mathias." He smirked at his former bosses, who winced. "While I adored most of my former coworkers, there's one who was told to try to sell my new house on me and the higher ups who did try to aid and abet having me killed."
"There's no specific penalty?"
Alex looked then pointed. "It's in that clause. All the penalties are."
He read it over, nodding. "That's nasty but if they hadn't turned on you it wouldn't be in effect. It states that there's no penalty if you quit of your own free will." He sighed. "You're a bit devious, Mr. Harris."
"Yes, sir. I learned from Anya and always being surrounded by girls since right before I was sixteen."
The judge just nodded at that. "The real question is this enforceable as a clause."
"They signed it after reading it over." Alex shrugged but smiled. "They knew it was there. It's in plain, simple language. I wrote it during law school and the torts teacher laughed her butt off about me putting in that clause but agreed if they signed it with that in there it was legally binding."
"True, lawyers should know to read their contracts." He looked at the other side. "Did he leave of his own free will?"
"Yes, Your Honor," one said.
Alex pulled up the security footage he had saved down. He slid the tablet over to the judge. "We were allowed to download the security footage to put in with client records so we could go back if there was a question of what they hired us to help them with."
The judge watched it then shook his head. "That's him being fired." He looked at them and they handed over their version. "Boys, whoever did that is bad. It's clearly not the same person as they forgot he was injured." He let them see the original. "The cane's on the wrong side in some frames. It flickers." They grimaced at that. "Could that clause be in action?"
"I don't have magic," Alex admitted. "So maybe it's just guilty conscience. We were the most ethical lawyers in the city." He looked at his former supervisor. "So what was their payoff for that? And was it Wolfram and Hart aligned?"
One nodded. "It was. It got you into the open, Harris."
Alex smirked. "I'm still a Harris."
"They can get you for your brother's weapons."
Alex shook his head. "I have permission. The same as Xander does. They said they knew I was holding some of his here in storage in case something happened in the city."
The judge cleared his throat. "You have weapons?"
"Do you think he could take on an invasion with just a sword?" Alex asked him.
"I didn't think about that. I know you're retired."
"Unless I have to be," he agreed. "Or it happens in front of me."
"You went to commando things," the judge said.
"When the government was trying to capture the community members to torture and destroy? Yes I had to. No one else was. I'm not about to stand by and let people be tortured."
"I wouldn't either," the judge agreed. "They complained you're very much like Rambo sometimes, Mr. Harris."
Alex snickered, shaking his head. "Not really. I train weekly in case I have to do something or have to fall into something like another invasion. I'll beat someone that tries to break in now and then but otherwise I'm not the violent one of the two of us. He's in Africa handling battles with armies who want to cover them up."
The judge nodded once. "I can see how that goes. He's probably got to be." Alex nodded at that. He looked at the higher ups again. "So you plotted against him to get some benefit for yourselves. What is that going to do for your law firm's reputation? He's right, you were always seen as very ethical."
"We're dissolving the law firm," one admitted. "We all wanted to retire."
"Then sell it to Chambord," Alex told them.
"He can't afford it, Harris."
"He can afford it. The firm's not worth that much. I'm pretty sure the guy begging on the corner earlier could've afforded it now." They groaned at that. He looked at the judge. "I am not asking to deal with that. My new job is pressuring me to be less ethical and I'm about to walk off and start my own firm from the house."
The judge nodded. "It's not that profitable sometimes."
"That's fine. I can do what I've been doing and survive easily. Handling the contract and business problems, now and then having to go call a bigot a bigot about going after the community for daring to do things like drive and live in their city. I've already applied to the USDC to do that and they've accepted it."
"All right," the judge agreed. "So you're looking for damages?"
"I am. I learned to be a vindictive teenage girl to quote a few agents I've worked with. I'm highly disappointed in my former employers and their plots. I wouldn't still be healing the cut on my leg if it wasn't for them. I wouldn't have nearly died if it wasn't for them."
"Your house, is it still fine legally?"
"Yeah." He nodded. "I complained a bit about buying the house that was too big for me but it was the only one I found and it was more than what I needed. But it is too big for me and my dogs. Everyone knows I bought that house."
"That one with the stone work and the library?" the judge asked. Alex smiled and nodded. "How many rooms was that?"
"Four bedrooms and the library area." He sighed. "The dogs love my study."
"Dogs can be good that way." He looked at them. "It would be better for the other lawyers if you did retire and sell the law firm to someone in it as new partners." They nodded they knew that. "Would you want to go back, Mr. Harris?"
Alex shook his head. "No, Your Honor. Not with that betrayal. My coworker I was very close with, who visited me in the hospital and taught me how to handle my first ever dogs, helped them do all this. None of the others said a word to me." He waved a hand in the air. "I don't want to be with them."
"I can understand that." He looked over the contract again. "I'm going to go with the clauses in the contract. You did it on purpose to gain benefit. It wasn't a well meaning mistake. It was intentional and if he had died, his estate could've sued you all for that." He looked at them then at Alex. "You have a will?"
"Yes, it names Tony as my executor and inheritor. He'll enjoy my study and my dogs love him."
"Good." He looked at the other side again, who did not look happy. "It appears greed won over ethics. Again. I hate to see it happen but apparently you all decided to lose ethics greatly for greed." He put the file back together, handing Alex back his tablet and forms. "They are to forfeit whatever boon or monetary gain they got for screwing you over plus that termination clause of two million dollars to help you set up your own law firm, Mr. Harris."
"Thank you, Judge Mathias."
"It's only correct and ethical." He tapped his gavel on the table. "I hope you like your retirements, gentlemen." They nodded and left. He leaned back, considering that clause. It was mean but apparently a good idea. He's have to think about doing something like that the next time he had to sign a personal contract.
In the hall, Alex looked at his former bosses. "I'm going home. Send any paperwork there." He walked off putting on his sunglasses.
The other lawyers all got to bitch with ones at the lawyer bars, who talked to Alex's new bosses. When they tried to push him next time he walked off. He wasn't going to break his ethics for expediency and greed.
***
Tony DiNozzo looked at his current law firm's higher ups, shaking his head. "I am not going to bend the law to get someone who did something that disgusting off. I'm sorry but I'm not comfortable doing that. Also, you have me scheduled to second-chair on a case where I was an agent arresting them.
"That's a huge no-go legally. I asked that question specifically and it's a huge conflict of interest. They suggested that I actually change the city I'm going to practice in to avoid being on any case that I might have glanced at." They glared but he glared back. "Sorry but I do believe in ethics and I'm not going to be part of a case I can't stand to even read, much less defend someone about."
"We're taking this case, DiNozzo."
"Then you can move it around my desk please. I've already got three open cases that're going to trial within a month. I wouldn't have time anyway."
"All of us do overtime."
"As do I, but there's no reason for me to be doing eighteen hour days."
"No one else can handle either of those."
"I'm not going to compromise my ethics to second-chair on a case where I was involved. It'll get tossed out even though the prosecutors threw it to us to do for them. It's a conflict of interest. I'm not going to lose my new law license to do that. Nor am I going to defend someone that I can't personally stand his crimes that we all know he's guilty of. He needs to plead."
"You still have to."
"No I don't." Tony shook his head. "And I will note it to the prosecutor's office that I cannot handle that case as I was involved. If they had checked the case they would've seen my name on the arrest report. They swore when they looked at that and found it then apologized for that when I did inform them that they had to get some other lowly paid intern."
"We don't have others to handle it and you should not have done that without telling us first," the senior partner said.
"I did. You ignored it." The man glared. "For that matter, you have four lawyers who only work six hours a week. Get them to do those."
"The world's not fair," one quipped smugly. "You're an intern."
"Yes and I'm also right. Ethically I cannot do those cases. In either case. That one defense case I'd have to note that he would need to plea bargain immediately and the prosecutor throw-off it's unethical of me to handle. The head DA was very mad his people didn't think to check the file before passing it off as being small fry and not important enough for them to handle for press attention."
He smirked. "I'm more than aware of how the world works, people. Been there since I was a teenager." They huffed but oh well. Tony walked off. "I'm going to go work on my actual three cases. Have a better day."
"We can fire you," one called after him.
Tony waved without turning around. "You go right ahead with that idea. Not like I have to work. I can retire and do prenups in Miami Beach whenever I want to do something." He went back to his desk and looked at the new file dropped on it, going to hand it back. "I was the arresting agent on that one," he said, handing it back.
"That's a conflict of interest. I had to tell the DA about that since they didn't check." He went back to his desk. He had plenty of things to get done here. Even if he wasn't sure he wanted to stay here. Did he really want to work for these people?
Too bad his office didn't allow dogs, he could use the petting time. He'd have to see what Alex was doing that night.
***
Tony let himself in. "Alex, I'm borrowing a dog," he called as he walked in. He heard a groan and sighed. "So you've got a date," he complained. Caspian came running to bark frantically at him so he followed. Nope, not a date. Though maybe a prior date. "Did someone stab you?" he demanded. Alex nodded with a wince. "Why?" He checked him over. "Was it a sniper shot?"
"Yeah. As I got out of the car," he moaned, waving. "Help me up? I didn't make it all the way to cleaning it up when the cops got here."
"Sure. We can hit an ER."
"No thanks. Probably too dangerous." Tony helped him into the bathroom, where he did take care of the injury, and call his twin back. "Why was your boyfriend's ex-wife shooting at me?" he demanded quietly. "Because I'm about to handle her." He listened to Xander ask that to Stephen, who swore and said he'd handle her himself.
It was probably her mistaking him for Xander. "Great. Thanks! The PD has her though." He hung up. "Charming." He got to work on the stitches he needed, making Tony wince. "I've done a lot of my own over the years, Tony." He looked at him. "Checking on me?"
"Borrowing a dog. My law firm is unethical in the extreme."
"Sure, go ahead. Give whichever dog got you an extra treat for being such a good boy."
"Caspian's living up to his namesake." He went to do that, treating all the dogs and petting Caspian once they had regular food too since the bowls were empty. He went to answer the door. "Yes, Officer?"
"Are you the homeowner?"
"He's in the bathroom cleaning up an injury where someone shot him with something that looked like a metal tooth. Can I help with anything?"
"We were going to ask about his construction still going on? One neighbor's complaining."
"Alex, are you still doing construction stuff here?" he called.
"I had to use a sledge to break up some stones so I could put down more grass," he said as he came out. "I haven't had actual construction people here in well over five months, Officer."
"They said you've had some today, sir."
"No." He shook his head. "I've been home since just before noon. There hasn't been any. Of course, half of my neighbors are snotty cows who hate me for not being country club material, even though I'm worth more than a lot of the senators are."
"Oh. Okay. So no construction workers at all?"
"No." He shook his head. "We had officers here earlier. Apparently my twin's boyfriend's ex-wife was the one who shot at me. I did get her arrested after I beat her a bit for it. When I called them he said it was probably mistaken identity but no clue." He shook his head slightly.
Tony looked at him. "Why would she care? Didn't Xander say that Stephen was celebrating over ten years without her?"
"Yeah and they've been together now for six. So no clue, really. Stephen said he'd handle it though." He looked at the officer again. "Did they say what sort of construction people?" The officer shook his head. "Hmm. Well, if they tell you let me know so I can check the security cameras." He walked off. "Tony, want meat for dinner?"
"You probably need meat for dinner to replace the blood you lost." He frowned at his back then at the officer, shrugging a bit. "We can check the cameras later to make sure but he'd know. He's the owner."
"I know this house has a criminal history."
"The one who inherited it tried to sell it to three different people at the same time. Alex bought it from the court sale after that. He made sure when he bought it."
"Oh. Okay. I'll let them know that they caught something else. Thank you, sir." He walked off. Tony closed the door and headed toward the kitchen. The door was kicked in and Alex threw the knife he was using at the officer to take him out. Tony looked down at him. "I'm a former federal agent. Is that really wise?" The man whined, rolling around.
"Boys, just stare at him." All the dogs barked. Tony called it in. "Do you have interior cameras?" he asked as he talked to dispatch, getting a nod. "Good. That'll stop some of the problems. Go start them for me?" Alex did that from his laptop in the office. Tony looked at the officer running over. "The owner's pulling up the interior cameras for you, Officer."
"What happened?"
"He knocked politely, told us the neighbors were complaining about construction things, which there wasn't. We told him that, explained some of the neighbors are snotty, he left, I turned around, and then he kicked in the door so the owner got him with the knife he was using to chop up stew meat." He pointed. "He's got the interior cameras up in the office."
Alex leaned out and waved. "In here, Officer. My security system tapes a lot."
He came in to look, groaning at what he saw. "Okay, so he was attacking."
"He apparently was." Alex winced as he shrugged. "No clue. This is the second attempt on my life today and I'm a bit mad about it." The officer stared at him so he moved his shirt to show the bandage. "Earlier's when I got home." He put his shirt back down.
"So are you under death threat?"
"No clue. I haven't had the chance to look yet." The officer scowled. "I'm a lawyer. Tony's now a lawyer." The officer nodded at that, going to tell the others.
Tony frowned at one then called an officer he knew, heading for the kitchen to get some privacy. He came back to look at that officer, who looked comically horrified. "Hanover just said hello and that you didn't have a legitimate badge. So why are you here?" The other officers stared at that one then at him.
"Lieutenant Hanover is out of the DC Metro Park office." They called that in to talk to him themselves while they kept that one from moving and one asked about the other one. He was an officer but not on duty. That got internal affairs down. They were never happy but this one was smiling.
Alex looked at him and shrugged. "He broke my door in." That guy stared at him. Alex shrugged again then winced. "Second attempt on me today. Any idea why?"
"Your former bosses are mad at you?" he guessed.
Alex snorted. "I won against them earlier so probably but they did it to themselves thanks to the Wolfram and Hart remains."
"We heard about that, Harris. Nice work taking out the evil."
"It seems to be a hobby of mine," he said dryly. "I need to put the meat up." Tony did that for him. "Okay, thanks." He stared at the officers. "Am I in trouble for defending myself and my house?" They all shook their heads. "Then can he please quit bleeding on my floors before I have to refinish them? If you do just a spot it'll never match so I'd have to do all of them."
"Ambulance is backing up now," one said. He stared at Alex. "You're awfully cold, Sir."
"This is my second attempted killing today. Well, the second attempt to kill me today. I have no idea why yet. I'm really mad though. I'd like to have a fit without you guys overhearing it." They nodded they understood that. "And I'm pretty sure that if I have to, I'm going to go find someone and make them suffer for doing this to me today. I had a good day until I got home." He went back to the kitchen.
A higher officer showed up. "Why is no one under arrest for harming one of ours?"
"Because he was trying to kill the homeowner," Tony said dryly. "He's not on duty, not supposed to be here, and definitely not supposed to break in the door to try to shoot him after asking questions about a neighbor complaining about non-existent construction work." The officer glared at him. "I did that *so* much better as a detective in Baltimore and then a Fed," he sneered back. The officer said a quiet 'shit' and lost his attitude. He looked at Alex. "If they do try to arrest you I'll defend you until I have to hand it to a non-involved party."
"Cool. Thanks." He smiled, petting his dogs. He stared. "Devil, why is there blood on you? Did I do that?" He moaned as he knelt down to check him over. "Oh. You've got a graze, boy. Tony, we need to go to the vet's." He hopped up with a wince and a hold of his side. "Drag him outside people, people. I need to take my dog to get emergency treatment. Tony can house and other dogs sit." Duke whined. "I know, I'm going to get him treated right now." He petted him, letting Duke and Caspian nudge Devil before he carried him off.
"Watch your side," Tony called after him. "If you start bleeding again, go to an ER and I'll pick up Devil." He rubbed his forehead but sighed, nodding at McGee since he was coming in. "Why call you guys?"
"He's on Reserve status," he said. "They had to."
"Tape's in the office," Tony said with a point. "This is Alex's house."
"It's nice but big."
"Yeah, he's complained about that too. It was the only one the realtor found though." McGee went to copy down the tape with the higher officer stomping that way to view it too.
McGee and the officer came back together. "He's right, it's justified. The guy broke in to kill him after complaining about construction things." The officers nodded, taking him to be arrested at the hospital. The higher up huffed and stomped off. McGee looked at Tony. "Are you liking being retired?"
"Most of the time. My current law firm is barely ethical so I'm thinking about switching or starting my own. Then again, Alex may start one too so we could probably combine. There's also people who still want me to run for Congress."
McGee patted him on the arm. "At least you're used to slimy people like them from cases."
"I grew up around a lot who'd like that sort of job," he admitted with a smirk. "Watch the dog's tail." McGee looked down and waved. "That's Duke and Caspian. Duke and Devil are both elderly dogs so the vet told Alex to get Caspian as a companion."
"That makes sense." He let them sniff his hand and petted them. "They seem like nice dogs for you to dogsit."
"They're like step-dogs." That got a nod. "Tell everyone I said hi if they want to hear it?"
"I can do that. Have fun fixing the door."
"The thing is solid wood with a metal core. And Alex used to work construction." McGee grinned but left him to it and cleaning up any mess. The small blood pool got cleaned up then the kitchen, then the door since it was a bit warm today. He settled on a couch to look up a site he knew held contracts. Yup, there was one on Alex and it wasn't from another lawyer.
"Oh, he's going to be so mad," he told the two dogs, getting cuddled back. He turned on the tv and the video calling system in there, waving with a grin when Xander answered it looking confused. "The second attempt on your twin's life got one of the dogs grazed so he's at the vet's with Devil."
Xander winced. "Who put a contract on my twin?" Stephen stared at him oddly from the background.
"It's listed as a name that sounds like she writes new age hippie books from England. Hipasia McDaniels-Raven."
"One of the Devon Coven," Xander said, his voice going cold. Tony sent him a copy of that page by email, letting him open it. "Fuck them."
"You go right ahead. I haven't told Alex yet. He's at the vet's with a pretty good cut on his side. Whoever did the first one used something shaped like a flying pyramid to pierce him. He made it to bed and collapsed there instead of getting it cleaned."
Xander nodded at that. "I'm going to kill those bitches."
"Did you get the tribunal transcripts from your twin?" Tony asked him.
"No, I hadn't known there was one," he said casually, getting into his email to find it. "Oh, someone read it for me." He glared at his boyfriend.
"I didn't want to stress you out before the battle next week, Xander."
"And the witches are supposed to show up for it so this way I'd be warned if they did something bad," he shot back, reading over them. "Oh, fuck them!"
Tony nodded. "That's probably going to be your twin's reaction when he gets home. If he gets home thinking about it. He might need to hit an ER."
Xander nodded once. "I'm going to have to say something. Can you do that double calling?"
"Yeah. Alex may not know how though." He got it started. "Calling who? I see a few names in his constant list."
"Giles if you can."
"I see Faith's name." He dialed her and waved. "Can you see us both, Slayer Faith?"
"I sure can, and I'm thinking something happened in DC to Alex?"
"Yes. Someone named Hipasia McDaniels-Raven put a contract on Alex's life," Tony said.
"After Willow's tribunal. It was noted that some of the witches thought she was right to remove me and him to make sure we're forever gotten out of the Council's way," Xander said.
"Um....let me get a few tweedies and Andrew." She looked around. "Guys, got a conference call," she called. "Where the fuck is Giles?"
"Language," Buffy called back. The tiny slayers were giggling. "You girls don't get to say that word yet." She came into view. "What's going on?"
"A witch put a contract out to kill Alex and Xander."
"Excuse me?" Buffy demanded. "GILES!" He came jogging out. "Which others did we need?"
"I have no idea, that's your job to figure out," Tony told her. He looked at Giles. "Did you read the notes from the tribunal, Mr. Giles?"
"I attended and did talk them down from their point of hating Xander again."
"Until they put a contract out on Alex's life?"
"Excuse me?" he demanded. Tony sent that to Faith's listed email so she could pull it up. "Oh, dear." He nodded. "Xander, do be careful when they show up to help you next week."
"I wouldn't have called today if there hadn't been two different attempts on Alex's life," Tony said dryly. "One here at the house."
"Shit," Faith muttered. "Yeah, that's bad." She looked at Giles, who was cleaning his glasses. "We can stop that, right?"
"I dearly hope so. Hopefully with a sword," he said as he walked off. "I'm going to talk to the ones here, ladies. Warn the girls, shall we?"
"Yeah, I'm going to do that," Buffy agreed, staying there. "And staying away from that temper."
"His?" Xander snorted. "Tony, something's happened somewhere."
"I can go get him from whatever, Xander. I'm a lawyer too." He smirked and waved, hanging up. He made sure the house was locked appropriately and went to find Duke at the pound, because they had gotten him from the car, and take him home then go to find Alex. He had been detained.
He smirked at the sergeant who was trying to get in his way. "I'm his lawyer and that was ruled a good thing since the supposed officer was trying to enact a contract on his life." They glared. He stared back. "I did it better when I wore the badge. Move. Get me my client. At least no one's tried to take him out for that contract here. Though, you're in trouble if someone did attack him. That is against the law."
"He took out an officer."
"He wasn't dead. He left that house in cuffs and still alive. If one of the brotherhood got him on the way to the ER, that's their doing, not Harris'. After all, the guy shouldn't have been dirty." He shrugged. "If the truth hurts, you're telling lies. Now, let's get this sad event over with. Before we both sue you."
"He's nothing."
"He's actually a lawyer." He smirked. "A very well respected lawyer." Another officer came over. "Great. Get me my client, who was not arrested for protecting himself when a dirty cop burst into his house to kill him to fulfill a contract." The officer looked horrified. "Now please. And if there's more than one I'll help the others too I guess."
"Who're you?" he demanded.
"Anthony DiNozzo. Attorney." He smirked. "Here for Alex Harris, also an attorney." The officer shrank away from him. "If I have to ask again I'm going to get the FBI into it as there is a contract started by an international idiot witch." He did call them when nothing got done. Within thirty minutes there was an agent there and he got a copy of the files from McGee to watch on the way. Tony shook his hand. "Thank you for helping us tonight, Agent Misters."
"DiNozzo. Retirement from NCIS suits you."
"I need to work for a better law firm but usually. I haven't been shot at in over a year."
"That's a miracle for you. Let's get him. Now, people. That was ruled self defense."
"He shot a cop!"
"He did not, he threw a knife," Tony said. "Unless there was another one?"
Agent Misters nodded. "The one who stopped him for erratic driving for soothing his dog tried to kill him too so he wrestled the gun from him and hit him on the ankle then drove off after dropping the gun on him. I came from that scene."
"Ah." Tony nodded at that. "Great. More dirty cops. Just brilliant. I remember when the badge meant you were a good person. Pity it's lost that meaning since I wore one." The agent nodded. "Now, where is he?" They got him and he was injured. A lot. "Oh, damn it," he muttered. "Okay, we're going to the ER."
Alex blinked at him. "They're needing one too." He glared at the officer coming over. "Going to try to rape me this time too? Didn't get hit hard enough last time?"
"There's cameras all over the station, kid," the agent said.
Tony looked at him. "Yes, and they control them. This unit is known for brutality. Otherwise I might've left Alex here to keep him safe from that contract."
"Who is that? The name's weird."
"She's a witch."
"Oh. That figures with a name like Hipasia."
Alex blinked at him. "One of the coven?"
"Yeah." Tony nodded. "Fairly low level contract but they said you're not very good or very hard."
"Bullshit. I've survived hell, I can survive this pettiness." He got helped up. "So, can I go now? Since you guys illegally detained me. Before I pull out my lawyer cred and sue the department?"
"There's no evidence, boy," one said.
"And yet, evidence," Alex said, waving a hand at himself. "Including your ring, mother fucker. It's probably distinctive." The officer tried to hit him again so Alex broke the guy's face for him. "No, not into that. I'm not a masochist. And since you took the swing first, I can charge you with assault."
"No one's going to stand up for you," the officer laughed.
Alex smirked at him. "You sure? Because yeah, I can get the tapes that a certain realm does of all of us." He held out a hand and it appeared with a note that it blew that favor whoever owed him. He smiled. "See, there's a few realms with a better intelligence network than the CIA. They think my twin's really fascinatingly weird and I'm kinda boring but important and I do heavy stuff."
He sucked in a bit of spit. "So...." He handed the agent the tape. Then took it from him to give to Tony. That way it couldn't disappear somehow. "Try it again." They backed away from him.
"You know this means we'll get you each time we see you out," one sneered.
"For defending myself against dirty cops? How *just* you guys are! You must be really *great* at your job." He sneered back. "And I've seen teenage girls who do that better." That one went to tell the others. He smiled at the agent. "Thank you for the help."
"Oh, you're welcome. Can we stop that contract?"
"Please do before I end that witch. And the redheaded bitch we grew up with." He walked off leaning on Tony's arm. He smiled and waved at a few glaring officers. "If I get this for taking out dirty ones of you, that's you joining them in the filth. I hope you're good with that. And your families who'll have to live it down." Tony patted him and took him to an ER. "Devil okay?"
"He's at home. They sent him to the pound. The worker there bandaged the graze when I told her what had happened and showed that I was the step-parent for them." Alex sighed but nodded, getting helped into a car. "I can get an ambulance."
"Why give them the happies?"
"Point. Some of them probably got off on it."
"Yeah, the sample's on my shirt." He took it off to put into a plastic bag Tony had in there. "Do I act against them?"
"Make it a huge note online with proof. Note that they're going to retaliate and so therefore are just letting others know. Make a huge stink online."
"I can do that. Thanks, Tony. I know it puts you in a bad spot and made you kill favors."
"Nah. No one likes dirty cops." Behind them a set of lights came on but he looked and sighed, pulling oer. "FBI. Sit still." He rolled the window down halfway. "I'm taking him to an ER for a forensic audit. What did you need?" A gun was pulled on them. He stared back. "Wow, yay," he said flatly. Alex muttered and flicked a finger, making the guy scream. "That sounds like it hurt." He looked at Alex, who grinned. "Favor?"
"Poker debt. Can we go? I'd like some drugs."
"I can see that." He called that in to the dispatch line and took off. "Did you recognize him?"
"Yeah that was McGinnis, that guy on the list." He leaned his head on the window. "Oops, sorry, blood."
"Windows clean, Alex. Rest. Please. Just don't pass out." He pulled into an ER he liked, he had sampled the wares of many of them over his years in DC, and got out to help him inside. "Hey, Lacey." His ex glared at him. "This is Alex, he's a lawyer, and he caught a dirty cop so they beat him for it. Can we get him treated? He's got injuries from an earlier one he stitched himself."
"He looks bad." She came to test him and got him back to a room. A trauma doc came in to help them. Alex really did need it.
"I'm not staying overnight," Alex moaned as he was shifted. "It's not safe and I want my dogs. Before those dirty ones try them."
"I turned your security system on high," Tony reminded him. "And turned on the special system. There's someone in your garden area but otherwise no one's come near the house. And..." He hit a control on the phone. "That one's really sorry thanks to your lightening system." Alex smirked at that. "He ran off. The dogs are cuddled on the couch around Devil."
"You have a dog named Devil?" the nurse asked him, giving him an odd look.
"I adopted them when the idiot broke into my former house with them and then complained I was mean enough to send them to the pound. Devil and Duke are my first two dogs. They came with those names. Something about sports." He grinned. "They're older."
"That's sweet of you then."
"He had to give them a friend because they were so co-dependant," Tony told her. "Little Prince Caspian sometimes lives up to his name. He got me earlier to help Alex with his earlier injury he stitched himself."
The doctor looked at him. "You did?"
"I've been doing my own since I was ten," he admitted. "I've done a lot of them." He pointed. "Those that they ripped on purpose."
The doctor looked then nodded. "It looked nicely done. We can redo those. Your whole chest is going to look like a lot of bandages."
"We needed a forensic audit done too please," Tony said with a smile. "He caught a dirty cop so the rest piled on."
"Ah." That got a nod and they did that and bagged the clothes. "You're an agent?"
"Used to be." He smiled. "Now I'm a lawyer. Specializing in ethical criminal cases."
"I'm one too but I specialize in business things," Alex admitted. "Mostly helping the peaceful community with starting new businesses and weird rules that the government has. I mean, how many rules do you have to have about clothes in a spa when the whole species is nudist by nature and the ones coming in are too usually?"
"I hadn't thought about that," the doctor admitted. "Are you a member?"
"No. I'm a retired demon hunter."
"Oh."
"My twin's the watcher in Africa."
"Ah!" He nodded. "That makes sense. You retired and defend against evil a different way."
Alex nodded with a grin. "Often. It's when I get unretired too." The doctor smiled and got back to treating him.
***
Alex limped into a meeting the next day, nodding. "Sorry, I'm a bit slow with injuries right now," he told the judge. "Didn't mean to be two minutes late, Your Honor."
"What did you do?" he demanded patiently.
"A dirty cop broke into my house to kill me for a witch in England's contract," he said dryly. "Then the rest of them got mad that I defended myself by injuring him. They tried to hurt one of my dogs too." He sat down with a sigh and relaxed, then winced and straightened up. "But I'm here now and I'm ready to start if they are."
"Good, Mr. Harris. Are you on anything?"
Alex snorted, shaking his head. "Pain killers have *never* worked on me, Your Honor. I wish. I *really* wish. After this I'm going to find something to knock my ass out so I can rest through the three broken and one cracked ribs." He smiled.
The judge shuddered. "DC metro?"
"Yup, sure was. That nice unit by that big industrial area. A friend put it up online for me. Including the tape we have of them doing it." He smiled sweetly. The judge shuddered. "But...I'm still awake. I'm here, and let's get started so I can go be in pain with my dogs at home pouting at me."
"Gladly. All right, people. We're here over some weird rules about clothes it seems."
"Your Honor, most of us consider it a necessity for beings to wear clothes," the other side complained.
"If they wear clothes, it can make them suffocate," Alex shot back. "They breathe through their skin. All the community that goes into their spa know that their species is naked because they have to be. The ones who're different species do wear more clothes if they can."
The judge nodded. "I'd worry about hygiene things. Hairs shedding onto someone, things like that."
"Their species does sweat," Alex told him with a nod. "But they're not working in fields where that would be a problem. A few are masseuses." He looked at his client.
"The client would have a towel on and it's stated on a sign up front that many of our employee's species cannot wear clothes due to it being harmful. If someone wants, they can have another masseuse help them. We have two that are of other species and they do wear sarongs."
"That seems like a reasonable accommodation."
"We put up the signs when they started that, Your Honor." He showed him signs from around the shop.
"I see one's very large and purple. He looks like he'd do a great massage with all three of his hands." He handed the picture over.
"What if humans go in, Your Honor?"
"They can hopefully read?" Alex asked dryly. "And there had been one human who did work there, someone's spouse."
"She's a nail tech," the client said.
The other side looked over. "He married a human?"
"He accidentally infected her with his mating scent because he was obsessed. It has to be let out purposefully but he was young and obsessed and she liked him back so decided not to detox it."
"It's been on their version of a Hallmark channel," Alex quipped. "It was well done and well shot, even I liked it."
The government's lawyer shook his head quickly. "I guess they're happy then. If a human comes in would they complain?"
"If they're that sort why would they be going there except to find something to complain about?" Alex asked back. "I think we call them Karens these days."
"True," the lawyer agreed with a nod. "It was one of those who filed against them." Someone kicked the door in and tried to come in but Alex threw his briefcase and hit the guy on the head, knocking him out.
"Mr. Harris, while you're here, let the bailiff protect us all," the judge ordered. "You're too sore for that I'm sure."
"I'm not used to others doing that," he admitted, looking sheepish. "Sorry to usurp."
"It's fine," the bailiff said, going to get the briefcase and arrest that guy. "What did you want?" he asked him.
"Him! We can get our Lord back with his blood," he whined.
Alex looked out there. "I'm not Xander!"
"You took out Lord Wolf!"
"Oh, him. Yeah. I blew up the bad, evil lawyer and his cohorts. Yay me. My blood won't bring him back."
"You carry his essence."
"Dude, I used a grenade launcher. No I don't. I have his *status*, not his essence. Sorry!" He waved a bit with a grin. The guy started to cry as he was arrested. Alex shook his head quickly then sighed.
The other lawyer looked at him. "Why did you have a weapon that strong?"
"I was holding it for Xander for US based emergencies?"
"Oh. That."
"I have permission."
"Good point."
"And they were evil. Behind the invasion in LA."
"That's reasonable then. By your usual things, that's very you, Harris." Alex smiled and nodded. "Who did start that contract?"
"A side witch to the Devon Coven thanks to Willow's bull this last time." He tried to shrug and winced with a whine. "Ow. Ribs." He held himself until he was under control. "Okay, let's get back to this. Before someone else gets a bad idea."
The judge stared at him. "Are you all right?"
"Not really but I'll survive and piss off more people by doing it."
"Good point. That's something said about you often." The judge shook his head. "I hope my kids never have to be as tough as you are, Harris."
"I doubt you're a drunk like my parents were," he quipped back with a smile.
"No, I never touch the stuff." He was happier with that.
The governmental lawyer shook his head. "I barely touch the stuff and once I have kids, I'm going to be stopping that."
Alex smirked at him, punching him on the arm. "I saw you and your girlfriend. She seemed nicer than anything I've ever dated."
"Yes she is." He smiled. "She's very nice and womanly. She bakes."
"Then hey, a keeper! The last one I had that baked was also a jewel thief."
The demon client looked at Alex. "Was that the red haired one?"
"No, that was Jenella. She was a bodyguard who did a few beatings for cash. Very good girl for my usual ones but she decided I was weird because I liked comics. Hannah baked."
"She did seem nice and only liked to gather pretty things like a dragon would." The client looked at the other side. "We are willing to go with reasonable rules but we cannot kill our employees to make them put on clothes."
"I can see how that's a problem. You've done a lot of what we could suggest but we can't just remake a rule."
"You can put a health exemption," Alex noted. "There's already one in place and they wanted to be put under that."
"I looked at that, that's for people who're sick but not dealing with people. We don't think it'll stretch." He looked at the judge.
"Looking at that exemption, it won't fit in this situation but it can be remade to cover that and this sort of situation. We cannot make them do things that would harm their health on purpose. What do the ones who don't work in this sort of field do for employment?"
"Usually they're monks," the client said happily. "Very nice earth beings. Not many of them have emigrated down here but some came for education."
"I can see how that goes. I can't rule to make them do things that can suffocate them." Alex winced as he shifted. "We'll be done soon, Harris."
"I'm fine. Just had to shift. My phone just beeped in my pocket but it was Xander's beep so I'll answer him in a few."
"Fine." He looked at the other side. "How can we get that exemption recrafted?"
"We've talked about it and we like this idea," he said, handing it over to be looked over.
The judge nodded. "Doesn't exactly cover this." He let the client see it.
"Two of ours are veiled, that would bother theirs." He slid it to Alex.
"Take out that third sentence and rewrite it this way," he said, grabbing a pen to fix it for him. "How's that?"
His client looked then nodded. "That would cover all of us. And the temples."
"That was another thing that got complained about," the governmental lawyer admitted. "Naked people where kids could see them and get horrified at adult bodies."
Alex snorted. "A good part of Europe apparently runs around naked in front of their families and they do saunas the same way by what I've heard from some friends over that way."
"Yes, but this is the US," the judge said. "And we're horrified by naked bodies. It's where we were started by Puritans." He looked at the client. "Do they have walls?"
"One may not do that, there's no room at the temple. Though they may be willing to move, I do not speak for them."
"That's not a bad idea," the governmental lawyer said. "As long as they're not blatantly sitting outside naked to draw attention." He shrugged. "Walls are great and keeps people who'll complain out."
Alex nodded. "I like mine for that too. And that one temple's not going to be a problem. Someone tried to shoot at them and they got horrified so they're looking into moving. The one down by the museum will be. That one the higher holy people have to come in to find the spot and that's the only spot they found in DC. They showed up about two years ago."
"I remember them and they are naked but for face veils," his client agreed, considering it. "They could probably move closer to nature. They're not a nature sect, they're actually a chaos sect, but they may have walls."
"Nothing can fully block the sun from their view," Alex reminded him. "So they have pretty walls that aren't real effective."
The judge considered that. "Can the walls be about shoulder height?"
"In all but one direction and that one's near a condo grouping," Alex said. "I went looking to see if any other cases were going to be impacted by this decision. Some people there would like them to move too. Their condo's pool looks on their garden area and there's no wall there because it's nearly on the sidewalk. But they won't buy food, only grow it. They're vegan and picky about what veggies they'll eat."
"Isn't there a daycare near there?" the client asked.
"Yes but they have walls to protect the kids. That's mostly the condos complaining in their case."
The other lawyer looked that up. "We have noted they need to put up a wall. Even the fancy, holey walls they have already would be better and we could argue about that later. They're trying to buy another plot around theirs for the garden."
"If they could get the back one behind them it'd be good," Alex said. "Same sunlight for growing probably."
The judge nodded. "I can see how that would happen. As long as that can be worked out."
"We're willing to work with them if we have the proper rules." He sent that text to his boss. Who didn't like that wording so he pointed out why and it'd cover a few other issues. His boss sent back an order. "The higher ups don't really like that wording but we can gladly work out something similar that we'll enjoy twisting for cases." He smiled a bit at Alex.
"You know I like it when you guys do that. It's half my business."
"True." He looked at the client. "Can we continue this until we can rewrite that and then see if it'll be the solution?"
"Of course! If it's a good solution we'd all enjoy that, no matter where it came from."
"Ask Zuma," Alex said then moaned and held his head. "I didn't want my twin's visions," he muttered then sighed. "Great. He's probably unconscious." He pulled out his phone with a wince to look. "Yup, that's Stephen. Xander's knocked cold by a lion pouncing him? Huh."
He sent a text back. "Oh, the lion's unpossessed and Xander's waking up with a slight concussion. Great!" He waved at his phone as he answered. He looked at his client then the other lawyer. "Zuma is the high priest of Magaret, She of the Leopard Print priests.
"Their group often has knowledge of all kinds of species that may be down here and any specific needs. So they'd probably know what would need warped. I've asked them in the past for the one that was for that market. That one that made you swear off meat for six months."
"I remember that case. And that priest you introduced me to. I can ask him if he'll advise us on that rule to see what's needed."
"He won't like the spa," the client said. "They consider such things frivolous even though it can be healing."
"Yeah, they're 'no medical attention or you're unholy' sorts," Alex agreed with a nod.
"I can keep that in mind and ask if that would harm any species." He made himself a note. "Thank you. Give us a few weeks?"
"Gladly," the judge agreed. "I have the third open."
Alex looked at his calendar. "I'm meeting someone at the SBA over the Seagrims gift." The lawyer winced at that. "At least they're willing to support small businesses. Even though they did want to eat people. Living people." He sighed. "They know it's against the rules."
"I'm expecting that to end up back here," the other lawyer admitted.
Alex nodded. "I have no idea but possibly." He sighed. "It's a necessity but...."
The judge held up a hand. "I've been briefed about that one to give advice so it'll have to go to Judge Morans."
"That was shooting themselves in the foot," Alex said dryly.
"Indeed. But I did advise on the legality and the problems they'd have doing that here in the US."
"They originally had one in the city in Turkey," the client said then sighed. "The locals heard and nearly bombed the city to get rid of them."
Alex nodded. "Thankfully the slayer there got it straightened out and just had them go to save that ancient demon city. Mara did good work."
"She did," the client agreed with a nod. "How is Slayer Faith?"
"Tony called her last night with Xander to talk about that contract a witch put out on me." He grinned. "She swore in front of the minis and they all stared in awe from what he said. Then she got Buffy to swear."
"Oooh, dear."
"Yup." He sighed. "But we'll handle it, as always."
"Good luck with that," his client said. "So the third, that morning?"
"That morning's more open," Alex agreed. "The meeting's not until ten."
"I'm going to be at that one anyway so I can have them move ours back a bit," the other lawyer said. "It makes sense."
The judge nodded and penned that in. "I'll get you here first thing at eight, people. Go mediate and Harris, go heal."
"I hope so." They packed up and he went home to cuddle with his dogs. They all liked to cuddle the sore spots as furry heating pads.
The other lawyer smiled. "I didn't know Harris was of an off-world religion," he joked.
"He's not," the client said. "He self treats. Has for years. He's really good at stitches too. He's helped our healers a number of times." He smiled at their horrified looks. "He and his twin have done that for decades now."
"Damn," the lawyer muttered. "I'm never going to be that tough."
"Then again, you'll never have to face down that *witch* in a snit either."
"Point. Thankfully." He left to go make prayers in thanks for that. The judge did too. The client went to tell the others how it was going. And what had happened to Harris this time.
They really did enjoy him being entertaining.
***
Tony, being sneaky and at Alex's house to make sure he stayed okay and to help him get around, because he was so out of it right now on the pain, used Alex's system to call a friend he met overseas. He waved as it connected. "Hey!" He smiled. "Got something for you to pass on if you would."
"Case related?"
"A member of the Devon Coven put a contract out on someone."
"Excuse me? Those hippie witches that look down their nose at everyone not them?" He nodded with a grin.
"That'll cause a problem," Alex called. "They'll come for me harder because you went outside them."
"She dated one, Alex, and she'll pass it on to someone who can handle it quietly and isn't too far off their beaten down path." He grinned at her. "I'm at the house of Alex Harris."
"Related to the guy in Africa I'm assuming?"
"His twin." He forwarded those emails he had sent to Faith.
She read them over and nodded. "Like hell that'll go." She smiled. "I do know one that's an officer but is one of their grandkids."
"I figured you might know someone. I did tell the FBI last night because a dirty cop here in DC tried to take the contract on him so I had to rescue him from DC Metro."
"That's fine. The more the merrier." He smirked a bit. "That tribunal?"
"The redheaded danger to humanity?"
"That one they're not mentioning in case she hears and shows up?"
"Yup."
"Oh, dear." She nodded. "Okay. I can gladly pass that on, Tony. How're you doing?"
"Retired and finished law school and now finding a new law firm to work for. I got told one more concussion and I'd be in a rest home."
"That makes sense with how many you've had." She nodded once. "Lawyer looks good on you."
He smiled. "I get to wear pretty suits and not get shot at. I haven't been shot at in over a year."
"That's amazing for you." She smiled. "Call the usual way?"
"If you want me to." He grinned. "I'm only here playing with Alex's dogs and to make sure he's okay."
"Sure. Next week? I'm in town."
"Tell me when and invite me somewhere, I'll be there and no cases I'll have to run out to handle during it."
"Good enough. I'll email when I get there." She hung up and called her contact. "I'm forwarding you information on one of your kin," she said dryly as she did that. "It came from a former agent in DC." She heard her read it and burst out swearing. "You have fun with that. He did have to alert the FBI, apparently some sort of dirty cop tried to act on it so the victim had to defend himself from half the cops.
"Yup, you have fun! They were worried that I might be too unreleated." She laughed. "Tell my brother I said hi and to be safer if they try you for handling that." She hung up and got back to her current bit of work. Maybe Tony had the right idea, retiring to a less stressful job with fewer hours. He had looked good and healthy.
Tony looked at the dogs around him, petting them. "Maybe I've got a date next week, guys." They snuggled in. Their daddy was too sore to snuggle right now.
***
A reporter ran up to Alex and Tony, who were out for a mutual case. "Mr. Harris, where did that tape come from?" he shouted as he ran.
Alex shrugged but smirked at him. "For all I know I'm part of the most boring sitcom ever," he quipped. "It came from another realm that watches this one. Could've been from their intelligence people, who're better at it than the CIA is, or it could've been entertainment. My twin's been entertainment for them a few times. I heard they taped his last anniversary present to show it for amusement."
The reporter blinked a few times. "There are?"
"Yeah," Tony said with a nod. "Three that I've heard which have better intelligence systems than any down here."
"Which one are you?" the reporter asked.
Tony grinned, handing over a card. "Tony DiNozzo, Attorney."
"Do you work with the peaceful community?"
"Sometimes. I'm not against that but I specialize in criminal cases like Alex does business ones."
"That's interesting. So today's a meeting?"
"No, we have a joint case about a business enterprise," Tony admitted. "Something community related." That got a nod and the reporter walked off. Tony and Alex got through security at the courthouse, being taken to the right courtroom by a guard. Tony looked at him. "Why?" he asked quietly.
"We've had three death threats today about your case. We remembered about Harris' cases," the guard told him quietly. "If it's going to happen here it'll be around him." Alex looked at him. "Please let us handle it, Mr. Harris?"
"Sure, I can pretend to be a damsel and just guard the courtroom if I have to."
"Thank you." He let them in and stationed a few guards outside that courtroom. This could be really bad but he had no idea why this case had gotten so much attention.
Alex and Tony went to different tables, Tony was working for the government this time.
The judge looked at them. "I'm sure you've heard we've had a death threat due to this case." Everyone nodded. "Good. Mr. Harris, please let the bailiff handle it."
"If he can, I'll gladly do that. I'm still a bit sore from the broken ribs. I unfortunately don't have a self-healing talent, Your Honor."
"That's good to know," he said dryly, smirking at him. "Are you armed?"
Alex carefully shrugged. "They confiscated mine and Mr. DiNozzo's sidearms. We came in together."
"I'm aware you two know each other, Harris. A lot of people think you're cute together."
"I'm still into women," Tony said dryly. The judge smirked at him. "Mostly." The judge got them all sworn in. "Your Honor, the government is very worried about this new business. We understand it's the species' means of eating but the government felt it had to draw a line at animal and human abuse.
"We understand they like to eat living things. I know there's a small following of people who eat live seafood, including whole, live, small octopuses. But we feel we have to draw a line in this case because it does lead to a lot of things that humans would find questionable and probably downright nasty."
The judge nodded. This one wasn't a great judge about community things but he was at least mostly fair. "Mr. Harris?"
"As my colleague said, it is their means of eating, Your Honor. While I myself do find it very disturbing and weird and it makes me physically ill to consider it, they have to eat something and their bodies require live food. And they're mostly allergic to seafood."
"Is this a biological need?" the judge asked.
"I've asked a healer. Her short answer was yes and then a heave." He handed over a folder. "That is what the senior healers, the ones who keep track and do the research, have on their species. It does list the need for live food. Apparently there's something bodily like a hormone that can destroy their brains if they eat too much non-living meat based material."
The judge looked it over. "Have you seen this, Mr. DiNozzo?"
"I went with him, Your Honor. That way I could ask my own questions. There's no convenient bypass with a medicine that would mimic that need. Though she did say someone was working on it."
"Do they just eat animals?" the judge sighed.
"No," Xander said with a head shake. "It's traditional on their majority birthday and any huge life event to eat a living being who is of a higher level, up to a human that they had found." He sighed. "They do mostly hide these needs behind very high walls. The issue here is that a procurer wants to set up a business to give them what they want and need."
"I get that," the judge said, putting that folder aside. "I could see animals a lot better than I could humans however."
"Your Honor, they had a PETA protest and ate one of them, then said she tasted funny," Tony said with a grimace. "She told them she'd rather they eat her than a dog. So they did." The judge shook his head quickly. "There was a cannibal in Germany about a decade ago who took applications to have someone to eat and got something like sixty applications. The news didn't give an accurate count. So I'm sure these ones would have volunteers as well."
"I'm sure most of them have therapists," the judge said. He swallowed some water. "So the questions before us are the legitimacy of the business practice of procuring them food sources. If they can use certain species or not. Can they use humans at all, which I'm not inclined to agree to. Unless that is a critical need for some health reason, I'm not going to grant the use of humans." The client grimaced at that. "And I'm sure someone will be watching over them to see if they kidnap anyone."
"There's unfortunately a slave trade on some realms," Alex told him.
"I've heard that. It is unfortunate and something I hope we can end."
"We all hope that," Tony agreed. Alex nodded he agreed. "The government has regulations on how you treat and kill animals for slaughter. Will this new business follow those regulations?"
"They need the fear hormones," the client told him.
Tony nodded. "I understand why. The healer told us both why and how that was a need. But the government has set down rules for a more humane slaughter industry. We would require them to follow that. Perhaps even to the point of sedating their food sources."
"That wouldn't hurt them but it would cut down on the things they need from the live flesh," Alex told him.
The judge nodded. "I can see that point being in contention. Our rules for slaughterhouses aren't actually all that humane but they do require the animals to be in good health and certain regulations being met. Including some about sanitation." He tapped his pen a few times. "What is the possible business' plans to meet up to those?"
"We keep their food in good condition. They wouldn't want something sick unless they're human. That they can bend on but not with the more common animal feedings." Alex handed over the business plan, which included all that.
"That does include which rules would be countered by their practices, what their practices are, and the needs they'd have to bend towards." He read through the rest. "How would they get the human needs met?"
"They have agreed to sponsor trips to a place where that is a less ...watched over thing," the client said.
The judge nodded once. "That would probably get agents into the mix." He went back to the business plan. "I really do not like this," the judge said. "But it is a plan on how to get around some rules." He looked at Tony. "Your people?"
"Are horrified that it's even being asked," Tony admitted. "Which is why they went out of the office to not have to say that their own people caved." He grimaced. "They've told me that the business plan they submitted was good, but some of those rules are going to be held steady, even with that biological need. Their line in the sand is more sentient animals. They do not want anything bigger than a guinea pig. And no humans."
Tony handed over their recent decisions on this case. Including from a meeting recently. "They are not wanting to bend on a good bit of the rules because doing so would mean that the slaughterhouses that are less ethical would use it to their advantage."
The judge nodded at that. "I can see that happening. Most of the time, these cases can lead to a tweaked rule or three. Things that are simple to defend still as ethically, socially, and health-related regulations." Tony and Alex both nodded. "I think we need to go over each rule and see where such tweaks may exist already." Alex handed over a copy with a smile. "Oh, thank you, Mr. Harris. The prior tweaks?"
"Only two of my prior cases would relate but some of the tweaks on the books for corporate farms would fit some of this. They're meant for larger businesses and corporate farming practices. If Tony's bosses are amenable it could be stretched back to smaller businesses since this is a breeding and farming situation.
"Though neither side is representing the USDA. I've sent in a request to them about all this as this is a breeding issue as well, and they've stated they want nothing to do with this idea." He handed that letter over. "So they left it in Tony's bosses' hands."
"My bosses really would like it to not happen at all. They can see the many ways the laws can be twisted by others. Including some serial killers since they start with animal killings usually. Sometimes they catch them on that instead of their later kills."
The judge grimaced again. "I can see that point as well." He made himself notes. "Have you seen these precedents?" he asked Tony.
"It was presented at our last meeting by Mr. Harris. My boss snorted but did agree some of this would be under those rules, though not entirely. We're very worried about how others will use those rules later on."
"It is something to be worried about," the judge agreed with a nod. He looked at him. "Aren't you a second year rookie?"
"With a history in law enforcement, Your Honor. I've seen a lot of twisted people who took rules like this as a challenge."
"Interesting." He went back to it. "We need to go over these one by one, even though it's listed how it would affect or need to be changed. That way we can go over each precedent, why it was a precedent, and what exactly will need changed." He looked at the client. "I know it's not an immediate solution."
"No, we did not expect one today," he lied with a smile.
Alex smirked at him. "This judge is very careful about the laws he has to help people tweak." He looked at the judge again. "Judge Corboran was one of the judges, Your Honor."
"I saw our former coworker who went on many anti-demon community rants," he said dryly. "I know a lot of this has a bias, Mr. Harris. I'm trying to be fair but protective. We have to follow a lot of the rules. Though there's a few that're really stupid." Tony snickered at that.
"We have two hours left today, let's start with that review so we can hopefully work some of it out with the lesser problematic ones." They all nodded, going over the first rule that would have to be bent. That needed a gentle tweak. They could handle that and not cause later hell for the department. The other rules would take a lot of tugging and yanking and probably some hair loss. And a few very upset stomachs.
***
Law and Orderly Chaos.