Xander leaned into the kitchen that night with Eagley still in his arms. "Hey, Jacques?" he called. That cook looked over at him. "Can Eagley have some raw meatballs for the next few days please? He's a bit thin and he's got some antibiotics he's got to take in raw meatballs if you can manage it for him please?"
"I can do that, Mr. Harris. Feel better, Eagley." The eagle cried and Xander grinned, walking off with him. He went to tell the head chef. "The eagle needs some raw meatballs for the next week please. He's got to take some antibiotics for a few days and he's a bit skinny according to the president."
"We can send up a few each night," he agreed, smiling at him. "And some stuff for the mice again too. Is it all right?"
"He said some antibiotics."
"So probably nothing too bad." He nodded, making himself a note. "He'll probably eat three or four a night at the most. Maybe every two days. I'll ask him when I bring it up." He went back to the dinner he needed to make for the staff buffet.
***
Eagley got to go see a local witch about a week later. He still wasn't feeling too good. He sat down across from the witch, who was giving the bird an odd look. "I know but his daddy's on a mission," he said quietly. "I can't have him die. He's seen the vet. He's got antibiotics. He's not healing very fast."
The witch nodded, testing him. "He's not cursed. He does feel very old, Harris."
"He is. But I've got to help him last as long as his daddy does."
"I can't link their lives. The bird will probably expire years before your boyfriend does." Xander gave her a pointed look. "I can transfer some of your own life energy to him to heal him a bit faster."
"Can you please? That'd be great. Can you do the same for Brucie too? Even though I didn't bring him?"
"Perhaps. That would mean the girls are left without you for two years."
"Or I die in a battle," Xander said dryly. "Which will probably happen. I am slower than I was at eighteen."
"True."
"I've been working on a few of the new watchers to turn into my protege. And I do have a protege coming up. I got him from the Squad and he's not bad. He can do the job and be safe around the girls, plus protective." He grinned. "He's got a slayer in the family somewhere I'm pretty sure."
"Will they like that?"
"The fact that his father gave him to a militia? Probably not. But it does mean he can handle the artillery needs they'll have." She nodded. "Besides, they're probably going to die before either of us, Bethesa. They're still going on what amounts to 'if you die, great' missions."
"Point, boy." She sighed but did cast the spell for him. It healed Eagley, made him a bit more chipper. "Keep him on his antibiotic. He's got crud in his lungs. Bruce is healthier but you may want to get him checked. I think he's got a bone issue."
"I can bring him in for a check if Harley won't." He leaned over to kiss her on the cheek and pay her. "Thank you." He looked at the eagle. "C'mon, Eagley. Your daddy's calling tonight." Eagley screamed loudly, spreading his wings. He grinned.
"Exactly. You know he's getting into trouble without us. I may have to go on a rescue mission." He winked at the witch's daughter as he left with him, talking to him about how to go rescue his human. He fed Eagley his nightly antibiotic meatballs and then settled next to Harley and Bruce, who were reading on the couch. "I think it's about time for his checkup, isn't it?"
"I saw him glow. What did you do?"
"Leant some energy to heal them a bit. Give them a bit more pep." She put down her book to glare at him. "I'm probably going to die in a battle, Harley. Or well after you two and them. Do I want to spend that time alone?"
"No," she admitted then huffed. "I'm still yelling later."
He nodded. "We might need to get him scans. The witch said she felt some sort of bone infection when she did the healing energy."
"Fuck!" She hopped up to pace. "It's after five. The zoo's probably closed."
"I checked at a red light on the way back. The head vet guy will be in Monday. I told him what the witch said. Eagley still has antibiotics for another week because of lung crud. We can do a sedation and scan on Monday. So no eating from midnight on Sunday for him." He pulled her closer to hug. "It'll be okay. Even if he's majorly sick," he said quietly.
"I'm not sure I can handle that."
He nodded. "Me either but we'll handle it because we love him." She nodded, resting against his chest, pulling Bruce up to cuddle. She was sad in advance, and mad at Xander for that. He checked his watch. "He didn't call?"
"No." She looked up. "They're fine. Ricky would tell us if not."
Xander nodded. "I hope so. I'd hate to deal with a rescue mission."
She nodded. "I'd go on it."
He grinned. "Yes we would."
"You can't both go risk yourselves."
"Yeah, suck me, dear. I've been down there to beat a few drug czar sorts to protect the slayers on duty." He texted one of them, who told him what had happened and who was bragging. "Huh." He nodded. "Okay." He considered it. Then he knocked her out. He winked at Bruce, who lapped his human's face.
"You watch your mommy for me," he said quietly. "Let me go help the other daddy sort, Brucie." He petted him and Eagley then went to change clothes and grab stuff from his emergency bag. Then he decided just to bring the emergency backpack. It was the smaller emergency kit but very deadly.
He locked the door and went to make a note for Patrick. "Handling a problem near a slayer. Out of touch, help Harley," he muttered as he wrote. Then he skipped off to the Colonel's house, grinning at DuBois since he hadn't been able to go. He had been throwing up for the last day.
"He's going to kill me," DuBois said when he spotted what he was wearing.
"Only if he gets away from the execution squad. You want that?"
"No." He went to change and came down to go with the idiot one. "Does anyone know?"
"I left Patrick a note I'm going to handle something near a slayer." He called in a debt. "I'm going to handle it. Get me a flight please. Me and DuBois. Thanks! Then go watch my baby slayers. Yes, I did say that you're safe around them. If you suddenly become unsafe I'm going to make you a greasy spot then sell you to a poker debt." He listened. "Great! Thanks! Let me know!" He hung up before he could complain again. "I've got a protege. He's a bit rough around the edges. The girls are giggling at him."
"Poor guy."
***
Xander snuck into the jail, after he had helped take down all the guards. He blew the main door.
Rick looked up at the explosion, then sighed. "We're rescued," he muttered. "Which one did he send?" DuBois came in and he relaxed. Then he saw his worst nightmare. "What the hell, Xander?" he demanded.
Xander grinned. "My past date thinks that you're not mean enough to be mine and he was. He's wrong and I proved him wrong. With an electro spike up the ass when he demanded some Xander lovin'." He grinned. "So you're free!" He blew the doorway switches. "Go, Forest, Run!"
Rick slapped him on the head. "Dumbass! You can't do that."
"Shut up before I take over this country and make it Xandertopia! Then make you my heir here too!" He walked over to kiss his boyfriend. "We're going to destroy the armory depot after I loot it. Have fun on your mission, dear. Talk to me on the way home. Eagley's got a lung thingy but has antibiotics."
He skipped off. "I need to loot weapons," he told the guard standing there with a gun, which was hanging limply. He grinned. "Did you remember me from beating your last boss for bothering a slayer? Here I am again, handling something trying to hurt a slayer! What a coincidence!" He shot him in the leg.
"You mention this and I'm going to make you a slave to something with multiple tentacles to please daily. Am I clear?" The man whined but nodded, starting to cry. "Great! Help the colonel!" He jogged off. "Laters." He slowed down once he got to the normal areas, not getting much attention.
A few people glanced at him but he stared at one and they looked away and shook their heads. Xander paused at that stand to buy a soda. "Dude, I'm so not here," he said quietly. "Even if God begs you in person I'm not here."
"No, you're not here," he agreed quietly. "Slayers?"
"Boyfriend actually." He grinned and winked. "A past one and a new one wanted to meet. I won." He walked off sipping his soda, taking a cab to the part of the city with the armory. Which he nicely looted then blew up. Which was a great diversion for Rick's move to handle that problem. It meant the National Military finally realized they had a problem starting.
The slayer in the area looked up at the explosion then sighed and nodded. "Xander's nearby," she told her mother and aunt. Who just nodded. "Probably his ex-boyfriend who tried to take over the country kidnaped him." That got another nod at the next explosion. It was too far away to worry them.
***
Xander made it back Monday to be with Harley for the important scans. He walked into the zoo, nodding at the guys. He found Harley watching the scans going on, pulling her closer to cuddle against his side. She stared up at him. He shrugged. "They're fine. He's going to not be able to complain because that would let people know." He put an arm around her shoulders. "Anything bad?"
"Small tumor," the vet said, looking back at him. "In one leg bone." Harley nodded, looking sad. "It's not terminal at this moment."
"Treatments?"
"Even in normal cats and dogs, chemo isn't very effective," he sighed, turning to look at her. "There's a lump on his tail too."
"That's probably where the girls said he had a sore and it's a zit looking thing he won't let me pop for him," Xander said.
"I can do that in a minute." He looked at Harley again. "Usually, in dogs they say to amputate the limb to keep it from spreading. In his case, that's not the best idea. He'll live for probably at least another eight months that way before he gets too bad. It's not time to have the euthanasia talk yet. Not for at least six months probably. If he breaks that leg, it'll be time to have it." She nodded once, but leaned on Xander's shoulder. "To be honest, hyenas in the wild tend to live about five years less than he has."
"I know. Still sucks."
"It does to all of us. I hated having this talk with the vet my own dog goes to." He stood up to pat her on the shoulder. "You've taken excellent care of him. He's even a bit chubby." He smiled. "He's clearly spoiled and loved. He knows that." He went to pop that tail sore. "Just a few ingrown hairs." He cleaned it out and let it heal. He gave the reversal and let Xander carry Bruce to the car. He made notes. It'd not be in the next few months but it'd be soon.
Harley turned to look at Xander once Bruce was on the couch, taking him outside to stare at him. "What did you do?"
"I went to talk to my ex, who had the current lover hostage."
She frowned. "That was your ex?"
"Stress relief yeah, nothing serious. Basically I blew him a few times to get weapons and once to keep myself from stroking out after a battle." He put his hands in his pockets. "Then I went to loot for the slayer arsenal."
She blinked a few times. "You did what?"
"How did you think we get weapons? I can only play so much kitten poker these days, dear."
She huffed, stomping off then coming back. "We're talking about this later."
He nodded. "I figured you would. Girls do that."
"I'm not a girl!"
"No, you're a full blown woman and they do that too."
She scowled but stomped off again. "Talk to your assistant. He's fussy."
"I told him to help you if you needed it."
"He did." She went into the pool house and slammed the door. Which broke. "Oops, my bad," she called.
"I can fix it later," Xander called. He went to check on the girls and the pets, then his assistant after changing clothes back into Presidential Xander attire. "What?" he asked his assistant since Patrick was giving him a funny look.
"Where were you?"
"Talking to my ex who had my present boyfriend hostage." He grinned. "It was a handy talk."
"Um...." He looked around then at him. "You can't do that!"
"I did do that. It was necessary before I had to go overthrow him for touching what's mine. He heard that just before I handled the issue in my own way." He smiled sweetly. "Anything else, Patrick? Something happen while I was gone?"
"No, sir. It was very quiet. Just a standard Thursday, Friday, and weekend."
"Good! I knew you'd handle anything and let Harley make some decisions or call me. Or Rick if she couldn't get me while I blew up a jail." He walked off. "No talking about it, Patrick. At all. It's president's business only. Even if the ones involved want to."
"Yes, sir, I'll play stupid." He sat down and held his head. It had taken three years but Xander had reverted to the problems he had before. If he could gossip, people would be screaming at Xander. "Someday I need to write an autobiography to tell about these things," he muttered. "Just so others know in case there's another president like him."
"I'm fluent in sulky mumble, Patrick," Xander said as he came out. "And sure, once I'm dead or far away from all of this write the tell all. I'll have it be required reading for the slayers too. Take my journal to do one on me too." He went back to his desk.
Patrick put down his head and shook it. This was not going to look good on them. He looked toward the desk. "The speaker of the house was looking for you Friday. I told him you were taking a few days of quiet."
"I was. Mostly." He called him. "It's Harris. What was going on that wasn't important enough to disturb me but was important enough for you to travel the few blocks this way?" He listened, leaning back in his seat until he almost tipped over. "Oops, sorry, chair's mis-set and I nearly tipped."
He sat up again to listen to him complain about something. "Then next time, make them have sense, Reynold. Sense is good for the US and others. Before I make a wish to have costumed superheros from another universe brought here." He grinned.
"I know. So have some sense, redo it so it makes good sense, and then send it to me again. Yup, you have a fun week. Remember, you can nag too. You tried it with me, you should try it with them." He hung up and went back to his paperwork like the mild mannered idiot he was.
***
Rick stomped back into the white house after he had gotten back. Hadn't even showered yet. He walked past Patrick. "He in the gym?"
"Reading in the tub, Colonel. He threw his knee out in the gym with the girls. They team-carried him up there and locked him the bathroom. Then stole Harley for shopping time."
"So he's alone in a locked room where he controls the lock?"
"Unless he snuck out, yes, sir."
"Was he gone this weekend, Patrick?"
"I'm under orders to play stupid about anything that happened this weekend in this white house until I put it in my autobiography, sir. As far as I know he was wherever he said he was."
"Interesting."
"He did note that if you complained others could hear."
"Shit," he muttered. "That's a good point." He went to check on Xander. Not in the bathroom or with the girls. Harley was with them and not in enough patience so he sent Katana and Christopher to help her. He understood why Xander got driven batty by shopping slayers. Rick could seethe for a bit longer. Until the general who had sent them on that mission called him in. "Yes, General?"
"Colonel, what happened on your mission? You were captured and released by freedom fighters or something?"
"Or something, General. I'm sure they'd consider themself a freedom fighter. It was an ex of the wannabe we were there to handle."
"Is that why there were explosions?"
"Wasn't us, sir. We were regathering to make sure his machines were dismantled the easy way. The second set of explosions was us destroying his gear."
"I see." He frowned at him. "Do you know the identity of whoever let you out?"
"Yes, I do."
"Is he former Squad?"
"No."
"Is he current Squad? We heard rumors DuBois went down that way."
"That one did bring him to back him up, yes, sir."
"Are you at liberty to say who it was?"
"I haven't been ordered not to but I'm not going to divulge it as it'd make my life a living hell for a few months, sir. Sorry, General, but I'm going to use executive privilege on that matter."
"We could recruit him."
"I doubt that."
"He could legitimately belong to you."
"If I want him I can ask him, Sir. Though I'd never put up with his flirty ways."
"He flirted?"
"I have no idea how he got to that idiot being, sir. I know they had a prior relationship." He grimaced. "I'm guessing that's how he got to meet him. Otherwise, no idea. I didn't get a chance to ask beyond him noting he used an electro spike up his ass to get us free."
"I see." He stared at him. "Why do you not want to note the help you had?"
"Because I don't want to deal with the fallout, Sir."
"Was it someone like Superman?"
"No. Though I don't think he'd talk to that sort. He's definitely on that side of the fence however."
"Was it the president?" he asked dryly. "Or someone like him?"
"Someone on similar levels of anti-hero. Yes. Which would make my life a living hell."
"Is our president going to squeal over him? Like a fangirl?"
"No. He's not really squealy that way. He only squeals when he's tickled apparently. I didn't want to know that but Harley shared."
"I didn't need to know either." He waved a hand. "Fine. Go. Shoo. Deny all existence of that mission."
"Thank you, sir."
"Talk to that one, see if he'll come in to help your team."
"If I need him to I could ask. But I don't want that hell either." He went back to his place to rant at his safe room, which had no bugs in it. He made sure first.
***
Xander came back from doing a few repair things, and working a few hours on a habitat project, to find Christopher on the couch petting Bruce. "Did she tell you he's sick?"
"No. She hasn't. I was going to yell at you."
"I was being good. Here all weekend. Patrick will assure you of that."
"What did you do to get a private audience with him?"
"I showed up." He grinned. "He wanted and I didn't take the bait. I drugged him in front of his guards then carried him off. Which I've done before. They just looked away because they didn't want to know. Then I nicely lubed up my electro spear and used it on him to make him sorry for his stupid shit.
"I'm well aware of why you guys were sent. He tried that on one of the slayers too and it didn't work. She got free thanks to a few demon contacts and warned us all. Which is probably how the general found out." He stared at him. "I didn't cheat!"
"I didn't think you did." He stood up with a sigh, staring at Xander. "I know you didn't cheat with intent to cheat, Xander." Xander relaxed at that. He hugged him. "I'm still going to yell about you risking yourself. You can't do that. It's not right for you to do that.
"We're finally solid and none of us can do that. In fact I probably can't go on many more missions. Neither can she. Once you're out of here, none of us are going on missions outside battles to help the girls." Xander nodded that was reasonable. He hugged him. "How's Eagley doing?"
Xander looked over. "You good? Did you get your meatballs?" The eagle called out and spread his wings. "Good boy." He grinned. "He had two vet visits. He's still got some crud in his lungs. You hide the antibiotics in his meatballs and I did the same with his special vitamin too."
"That's fine. Probably easier than shoving it up a mouse." He sighed. "What's wrong with Bruce?"
"A pea sized tumor on his leg bone." Christopher winced but nodded once. "The vet said probably over six months," he said quietly. "I was with Harley when they scanned it. He said it's not time to have that talk yet, it'll be after he breaks that bone."
"Which makes good sense. We'll make it a happy last year or however long." He looked at his buddy then at Xander again. "I know he's getting old too."
"Harley's going to tell you that I risked a year of my expected lifespan to donate to each pet."
"That I'm going to complain a lot about."
"I'll probably die in a battle long before then."
"Hell no you're not!"
Xander sighed. "I can't fight the same way I did even five years ago, Christopher. In another two years we're going to have another major apocalypse battle by the usual patterns. And I'm going to be right there beside my girls. Even if I'm in a wheelchair I'll be handling artillery."
"I...." He shut his mouth and swallowed. "I don't want to think about that, Xander. I don't want you in danger. I don't like being in danger, I don't like Harley being in danger. You should have less than either of us. You're a good guy and they shouldn't be handling those things."
"Well I do and some dictators would disagree with you that I'm a good guy. I took out a few militias on my own." He got free. "It happens as it does and that's my duty. The same as yours is on the Squad."
"I... I know that," he said more calmly. "But I don't want you to risk yourself."
"And who do you think is going to take my place?"
"There's other watchers now." Xander stared at him. "Okay, they're not good at it, but they can help. Military guys and agents can help. Hell, we can all help!"
"I expect that kinda, yeah." He nodded. "And I'll be in the same battle you are at that time. The same as I was at that last apocalypse battle."
"Point." He turned and kicked the coffee table. "Oops."
"I'll get a new one. It's not one of the antiques. I had them move that one before I tripped and broke it." Xander sat down and petted Bruce since he had woken up to them arguing. "It's okay, baby." He looked up at his boyfriend. "You aren't going to be able to keep me from helping the slayers. At all, Chris."
"I know. I understand that but I hate it."
"So do I. Even when you and she go out to do dangerous stuff I hate it. We all hate it, but it's the reality we live in. It's not like sitting at home waiting is any better! We all hate sitting at home waiting for the next thing to fall."
"Point. I'd hate that." He sat down on the hyena's other side, petting his head. "It's okay, little guy. We're not really fighting. He's being a butthead about things."
Xander snorted, staring at him. "Really?"
"Really! What if you got caught?"
"Rick was free by then."
"He'll kill you for that."
"Uh-huh. He'll let me have one last kiss first too." He smirked. "I do what I have to do."
"Most leaders would hate that."
"Well, I don't have one of those. Giles died and not like he ordered me into battles anyway. I've done what I had to do since I was sixteen and jumped in. This is the guy I am. And I'm sorry if that's upsetting. I do try not to die. That is the first slayer rule and I live by it."
"I know." He pulled him over to sit in his lap and went back to petting the hyena. "You drive me nuts."
"I don't try to."
"I know. Still do it." He relaxed, looking over. "Come cuddle if you want." Eagley came over to cuddle in on his shoulder, nudging his chin with his face. Chris petted him too. "You're a good boy too, Eagley. Thank you and Bruce for watching over Harley for us." They petted both pets, making them happier. They hated the trio fighting.
Harley came in and collapsed. "I can see why they drove you nuts shopping. Cute but practical is apparently out this year again."
Xander nodded. "I make sure they can move in them by making them do two jumping jacks and two push ups."
"We did," she said, rolling her head around to look at them. She sighed. "He told you?" Chris nodded, patting Xander's lap. She slid in under her hyena's head, petting him since it was now in her lap. They all cuddled together, Eagley chewing on her pigtail. "Thanks, sweetheart." She petted him too. "You're a good boy. You and Brucie both." She rested her head on Christopher's shoulder and sighed. "I'm so bored," she said quietly.
"Me too," Xander agreed. Chris nodded he was too. "Want to go out? We can go to dinner and then bar hop a bit."
"The guards will stop that," Chris said.
Xander looked at him. "No one recognized me on the flight down or at the zoo."
"Really?"
"Really." Harley nodded. "They recognized me and not him."
"Huh." He grinned. "I don't want to get too drunk."
"Then you're the designated driver." Xander smirked. "I don't drink real often. Usually only that one anniversary, which is later this week." They hugged him. "But yeah, we can go party a bit. We just have to sneak out." They got up to feed the pets, dose the meatballs for them, and then shower and change clothes. They managed to sneak past most of the guards. Only one caught them and he huffed but followed. He'd bail them out if he had to. Probably. Maybe.
The president did get into two bar fights, and Peacemaker got into one too. Harley broke a few hands that tried to grope. When they snuck back into the white house, no one noticed even though they were loudly giggling on their way to the pool area. They dove in to play for a bit. King Shark was napping beside it but he just grunted and rolled over.
"We have to get Ratcatcher here to visit him again," Harley said, looking over at his grunt. "I'll call her tomorrow." She waved a hand and got back to teasing her lovers. It was fun.
***
A few days later, someone showed up to sneer at Xander. "Sir, drunken behavior is not really what the president should be known for."
"Last night was the anniversary of me losing the guy I had known since before I could talk," he sneered back. "I spend that anniversary of me starting to hunt drunk most years. And the two I didn't I had battles that I was particularly brutal in my grief during." The guy flinched back, shaking his head. "If you don't like that I have that anniversary, fuck yourself on the way out of the white house and don't bother yourself about coming back." He stared at him. "Anything else you want to talk about today?"
"I meant at the clubs, sir," he said stiffly.
"We're not that old, we deserve to have some fun. Not everyone waltzes for it like you do, dude." The man winced at that. "My fun isn't your fun. The white house has a few things like the movie theater but that's really boring after a while too. We do have some life left in us."
"Your lovers should still be in jail. You're letting them run wild all over."
"Yeah, they're my bodyguard team too. They have to go with me when I go out." He stared at him. "Again, not your concern."
"It looks bad."
"No, the UK's PM holding parties at his residence under lockdown looked bad. It's been four years since I went out to have fun. I think I'm allowed every now and then. If you're not, there's the damn door," he said with a point. "Don't let it hit you on your last visit here." The man huffed off. "Patrick, he's not allowed back."
"He's a member of congress, sir."
"Oh, fucking well. His people had bad taste to elect him. I'm not putting up with sneering assholes even on a good day."
"Yes, sir." He looked in there. "Advil?" he offered.
Xander snorted. "I'm fine. I don't get hangovers that way. I get a bit of light sensitivity and my sinuses run. I don't get nauseous and a headache." Patrick nodded at that, going back to his desk. Xander grimaced at the paperwork then texted Rick about Ratcatcher. Rick agreed to send her down to hang out with him for a few days and to warn him if he was going to do something stupid like bar hopping again.
He answered back it'd been years, they were all bored as hell out here, and oh fucking well if someone didn't like them having some life in their life. To tell anyone who complained that. Rick agreed he had and to take something for the hangover. He pointed out he didn't get hangovers. Christopher had one though. He and Harley were babying them on the couch with the pets right now.
***
Xander went out to meet the visitor. "Hey, girl!" He hugged her gently and smiled. "This way. He's got a guard's room but never uses it. He said it's too tiny."
"What? Colonel Flag said you and the minis need me, sir?"
"No, I had you sent down here for someone else." He smirked, leading her to the pool area. He pointed. "He wanted to see you."
She looked. "Oh!" She ran over to hug him.
"Friend!" King Shark cooed, hugging her back. "Thank you, Xander."
"Welcome, dude. She's got four days here. Introduce her to the minis sometime but the rest is up to you two. Go do fun things." She nodded, taking him to talk to him about what he'd been doing. Xander went back to his office. That same representative was there sneering. "Didn't I ban you from coming back due to your shitty manners?" he demanded as he walked up the hallway.
The representatives with that one jumped at that. "You," he said with a point. "Go the fuck away! Now please! You're not welcome in this house." The man backed off slightly, looking horrified but the guards escorted him out. He looked at the others. "Okay, so what's up now?"
"Sir, we want to go over a bill we're proposing that may not see bipartisan support," one said. "Is he really in trouble?"
"The sneering princess wannabe? Yes." He led them to the meeting room to go over that bill. He put in his view of it and they agreed others may see it that way but it wasn't what they wanted. Xander told them why it was a bad idea and how that would impact things like taxes. They pouted about that and he gave them a better idea on how to frame it so he wouldn't automatically turn it down. Which would raise the taxes on the companies they were trying to create that law for.
They hated that idea. He grinned and pointed they needed a lot of public works fixed. They had to do it somehow and that cost money. So did their paychecks. They pouted about that but went to talk to others in their party and house of congress. Xander went back to his office shaking his head. Patrick held up two notes. He looked at them. "The minis have the flu?"
"Yes, sir." He grinned up at him. "Or so they said when they called up to call off running up here time as she called it. They're having the flu with Samara, the senior girl that took over the house for you."
"Samara's pregnant, not having the flu." Patrick winced but nodded. He read the other one. "Oh, that's nice. I'll call Jacob in a few minutes. Let me talk to my minis. Heading up there. Ratcatcher's here to visit King Shark and they're probably still in the pool area."
"That's fine, sir. I know he's been sad and missing someone."
"Her. They're buddies." He used the tunnel so no one would complain and went up to the slayer house. He walked in and heard throwing up. "Samara, try some ginger ale or some munchos chips," he called as he walked in with a head shake. "It's the only thing that cures morning sickness. Better than crackers because they're lighter but more salty."
"I've tried ginger ale. It's coming up now," she called back.
"It happens to all of you pregnant ones." He looked at the minis, who were all in the living room coloring. "I hate to say it but she's not sick, girls. She's pregnant." They stared at him, looking confused. "She's going to have a baby. The baby will make her sick for weeks." They squealed, going to hug her for giving them new friends to play with. He grinned, calling Jacob from there.
"I'm at the mini's house," he said to whoever answered. "Jacob wanted a call? It is Xander, yes. No, Samara's pregnant and throwing up. The girls are helping her celebrate the toilet." Whoever got Jacob. "What's up?" He listened. "Yeah, Samara will need a new slayer to take over duties for her, but maybe not the house yet. No, she's pregnant." He listened.
"She's allowed, Jacob. We do allow the girls to have a normal life if they want it. I have met her last boyfriend. He ran from me because I did a background check. I have no idea and I didn't ask and I doubt I'll be asking really. Many of the girls have found a convenient dick with sperm when they really wanted to be knocked up, even if they weren't in a relationship.
"That's how half the slayers have kids because relationships seem to happen very oddly around us, and generally not happily. They had some sort of talk about that with Faith once. Well, Buffy was dead by then, Jacob. Yeah, that talk. I used to have a yearly talk to them about that stuff. They know they can be moms. That's part of a normal life for many people.
"The same as we had one who got pregnant in high school so she graduated that way and went back to her parents' home by her own choice. They know they have to make plans, tell us those plans, and then make sure how it'd change their lives. Giles had that talk with them too. I have no idea who she told. Samara, who did you tell you were going to do this?" he called.
"No one. I had an oops. I already had a talk with the girls about making a choice to be pregnant instead of just letting it happen randomly." She came out with a cool cloth for her forehead. "I called Sarah to take over for me."
"That's fine," Xander agreed, giving her a one-armed hug. "Having a kid or not is a choice all of you have to make for yourselves. Slayers are allowed to have normal lives. Of course, that means you're off rotation and only the house mom."
"Yes I am. Even if I didn't feel miserable."
"And you've got to have prenatal care," Xander added.
"Of course I do. I need to go to the one who takes care of the girls who have pills."
Xander looked at the minis then at her. "Are you going back to Cleveland?"
"No. I forgot about that."
"I'll ask someone to recommend for you, dear." He listened again. "Yeah, those things, Jacob. She said Sarah. Sera in Brazil, Sarah in England, Sarah in Egypt, or Sayrah who's retired? Or Sara, the about ready to graduate one?"
"Egypt's."
"The one in Egypt, Jacob. Sure. No, the girls are helping her celebrate by having the flu with her." He grinned at them. "Which is fine. They've had a lot of work to do. Yup. Soon. Thanks, dude." He hung up. "She'll be recalled in a few minutes, when he finds that house's number. You, rest for now. Try sorbet because that's frozen fruit juice." She nodded at that idea. He hugged her. "Let me know if you need my hand holding or anything. Okay?"
She nodded. "I will, Xander. Let the minis fuss."
"Go over baby stages with them so they know what to expect." She nodded. He grinned and patted a few girls. One pounced him so he hugged her. "Be good for her. She's really tired and kinda sick feeling. Okay, ladies?" They all nodded. "Good." He put that one down.
"Let me go ask someone about an OB for her. I have no idea where one even is since I'm not a girl so don't go to see the doctor for girl things." He went back to the white house, grinning at Patrick when he spotted him. "When you get a few, can you get Samara an OB suggestion? The girls are pretending to have morning sickness with her."
"I can do that, Xander." He smiled. "Is she okay?"
"In the middle of puking. They'll have sorbet later."
"That's more fruit juice so better for her," he agreed, going to get his lunch.
"Thanks, Patrick. And call your sister. Each time she calls you to talk you're busy for some reason."
"She wants to nag."
"She could show up."
"Point. I'll call her in a few minutes, Xander." He went to do that on his lunch break. "I'm on lunch," he said happily as he ate. "No, I'm eating. I thought we'd get to talk finally since I've been busy the last few times. The president reminded me to call you back. No, looking up an OB for one of the girls around here. No, not that one." He ate and listened to her complain about their mother. "You know how I feel about her, Safho. Exactly. She could use some meds." He ate another bite and chewed.
***
The Press Secretary walked up to Harley, clearing her throat. "Ma'am, the rumors going around state I should probably schedule you an interview so they can ask nosy questions about the father of your child?"
Harley looked confused then shook her head slowly. "It's not me. I'm on the IUD, Xander's infertile, and Christopher's snipped."
"We've heard Patrick was looking up OB's?"
"Samara, the head slayer for the minis, is pregnant," Christopher said as he walked past them.
"Oh! Okay." She smiled. "That's great news. I'll stop that rumor going on then. Um, they will want to cover the presidential balls."
"I'm not going to any ball. My name is not Cinderella. I may want to look like a princess but not that kind."
"He'll have to go. They'll want him to start off the ball with a dance."
She pointed up the hall. "Chris can do it. I don't dance that way. I get down in the club dance, not polite people dance. Then again, so does Xander." She frowned but then grinned. "It's fine. If we have to talk about that we will."
"Okay. Just let me know?" She went to stop that gossip. She called the main one. "It's the white house press secretary's office. The president's girlfriend is not the pregnant one. It's one of the slayers who's pregnant. So you can quit panicking people please? Thanks." She hung up, going to look on on the pool when she saw people in there. "You two go eat!" she ordered. "You're both looking skinny!"
"I...." Ratcatcher said.
Harley leaned in a minute later. "C'mon, I'll show you where the caf is, you two." They huffed but followed her. She pulled them into the cafeteria. "Feed these two please? They're Squad," she told one of the cooks. "This is Ratcatcher and King Shark. She's been with the main slayer house to protect them for Xander."
"We've sent him food to the pool area so he didn't have to feel uncomfortable around some of the idiots we have in the white house's staff portions," the server said happily, getting a fin pat back. "Are you a vegan, dear?"
"No." She shook her head. "I've been on the slayers' guard team."
"Eat burgers or fish?"
"I guess."
"Then we can feed you that today." He went to get them food and let them eat until they were stuffed full. It was good for them both.
Harley left them to eat, going to talk to Patrick. "Somehow they got you finding Samara an OB to me needing one?" He nodded. "Wow. Nope, won't happen!"
"That's fine, Dr. Quinzel. It's not my choice either. I'd look terrible pregnant."
She leaned down. "Xander once told me not to say that around the Devon coven because they had helped a same sex male couple have a kid from their union." She grinned and patted him, going to check on Xander since he was head down on the desk. "Did you have an aneurysm?"
"No. There's idiots." He let her have that paper.
"She asked. I told her it was Samara."
"That's good."
"She asked about the balls too."
"Ewww!"
"Not my call. You made it through the last one."
He looked up at her. "I wasn't dating then."
"True. Take Chris." She walked off looking happier. "I made the kids eat."
"Okay, thanks." He put his head back down with a sigh. There were still idiots. It was giving him a huge headache.
***
Harley looked at the suit Xander was putting on for a dinner event at an embassy. She sighed. "Who made those fit that way?"
"The tailors."
"They should be fired."
"I like how they fit. It means I can move easier," he complained back.
She nodded. "That's more the material than the fit, Xander." She sighed, rubbing her forehead. "You need to look good. Better than good."
Christopher looked over. "It is a bit slouchy."
"Which means I can move in it. The pants being a bit loose means I can hide my thigh holster inside without notice. There's a hole in my pockets so I can grab my holy water or dagger if I have to since they don't like me to openly carry."
"We can use some spy gear style stuff," Harley offered.
"I'm not spy material, dear. I'm bulky. I'm not suave. I'm fairly obvious."
"Yeah, you are," she agreed but smiled at him. "We like you that way but that suit does not fit right."
He sighed, going to change. This one was a bit tighter and showed the holsters. He gave her a pointed look then went to change back. "It's fine."
"We're fixing that somehow."
"Sure. Let me wear tac pants all the time." He took kisses, petted the pets. "Don't forget Eagley's last night of antibiotics."
"Of course not. I already got meatballs sent up."
Xander frowned. "When?"
"Earlier."
"Check them first? I had a poisoned burger show up suddenly Monday." He left after grabbing his wallet. It wouldn't fall through the holes. He went with the new guard today, DuBois. "They hate how my suits fit."
He looked and nodded. "Bit sloppy," he noted.
"I'm not that good and it hides the holsters."
"Guns?"
"Dagger, holy water. Left thigh is holy water."
"Not bad since they hate you carrying a gun." He took him to the car and went with him to the dinner. Thankfully Xander wasn't expected to speak tonight. It was just show up, talk to the diplomats, chat pleasantly, not make the US enemies. Not complain about the food.
Xander ended up next to a diplomat from one of the countries in the middle of Africa. Who he joked with about how it compared to the stuff he had eaten in the villages down there. That one was pleased with that. Though the guy was clearly confused by who Xander was.
"Mr. President," DuBois said quietly, making Xander look back at him. "The slayer texted that she's out on patrol because she heard someone's going to cause problems on purpose." Xander sighed but nodded. "She'll text when she hears who."
"Okay. Let me know if she does need help. I have a kit in the trunk like usual. Unless someone removed it."
"I can check when we go out there."
"Okay. Thanks, DuBois."
"Welcome." He stepped back.
"You're the president?"
Xander grinned. "I get that a lot. Everyone thinks Rick Flag is because he's prettier on the posters but no, he's my second-in-command." He smiled. "We're trying really hard not to let the US fall."
"I've seen some of the ads," he admitted. "Good luck."
"Thanks." Xander grinned. "Of course, no one's paying attention to the blatant threats some of those ads have become. Which I'd like to see changed but they don't really seem to care." He looked back. "Oh, no, he's not Secret Service." He smirked a bit. "The colonel sicced him on me."
"Ah." He nodded. "That's good of him." He dug in. "When were you in our area?"
Xander grinned. "I'm the same Xander Harris that used to be the watcher in Africa."
"Oh! I had not realized. Sorry!"
"It's okay. I didn't get a lot of public attention then. It was bad for the girls."
"It would be." He nodded and they chatted about some of the villages until the phone went off again. "Your girl will hopefully be safe."
"Even if I have to make sure of it." He took the phone to read. "Which I apparently do." He wiped his mouth. "Excuse me," he announced. "I have to go help DC's slayer with a problem. We're about to have a slight clan fight that'll destroy about a block and she's alone." He put his napkin down and followed DuBois out to the car. He checked in the trunk.
"Only the one sword. It'll work. I'll let you know if you can fire on them." He drove them to that area. He knew the map better than DuBois did. He got out and got the sword from the trunk, strolling over. "Sarah, my dear, you called?" he asked, undoing her from the pole she was tied to. "Okay, people. What the hell is going on? The first thing I knew Sarah was telling me there was about to be a gang fight."
"She should not interfere!" one shouted. "Nor should you, human!"
"I'm the same damn White Knight I was before, bitch. The only way there's going to be a fight here is if I'm in it. That would be bothering the city and we don't allow that. Use a fighting ring if you have to but *damn* that'll stop me from saving her and the people around here from being destroyed. I doubt the matriarch who clearly lives at the other end of the block needs to redecorate."
The two gangs looked at each other then at him. "Why are you here?"
"Slayer," he said with a point. "Who was told you guys were going to be problems. So she showed up to check. Are you going to be problems for the normal demons on this street?"
"No," one said, shaking his head. "We need to have a fight but we're not going to destroy things!"
Xander pointed. "Three explosive snot shooters. Two who were modified by their own drug use to shoot flaming snot instead. One on that side's a shooter of nails that're poisonous. You guys could do a lot property damage and I doubt that the rest of the neighborhood wants to deal with that.
"There's fight rings and clubs. Go use one." Both leaders nodded and then tried to attack him. He beat them both pretty badly without using the sword to defeat them. Xander stood up at the end. "Does that mean I'm in charge of your gangs?" he demanded.
"Xander!" Sarah called from the car.
"Sit there," he ordered. "This is a machismo thingy, Sarah."
"Yes, Xander." She shrank back down again.
Xander looked at them. One moaned. "Xander?" Xander smirked and nodded. "No, Knight! We were not going to cause problems for the others in the neighborhood. She just charged in."
"I got here and you guys were fighting already and knocking down power lines," she complained, stomping over. "No one wants to be without power!" They groaned. "All I got told was a major demon street gang fight was going to happen and ruin the block. You guys were proving it when I got here."
Xander looked at her. "There's fight clubs they could get this out at. They might even let them have a night to themselves so they could have a real brawl." He wiped at a spot of spit then glared at the one who had done it. "At least you took me from a formal dinner," he said dryly. The guys moaned and sat back down.
"In the future, if you want to have that sort of fight, use a fight club or a fighting ring. Something that won't make the regulars in the neighborhood call a slayer to handle it. Or try mediation or gay sex to solve it. It works when I fight with mine. Any other problems to discuss tonight?" They shook their heads. He nodded at one staring demoness. "Matriarch, are you all right?"
"Yes, Knight. We're fine." She smiled. "We have no idea who called a slayer."
"Me either. It was just a male grunting voice, ma'am. I didn't want them to knock down the power lines so people are without power. It could cause a lot of problems."
"It could, Slayer Sarah. Thank you for the kindness, dear. You weren't trying to take them out?"
"No. Just knock them out so I could figure out what was going on and they could quit risking others." She stared at them. "I announced myself before I stepped in too." They nodded they had heard her. "If you had told me that I would've called Xander to see where a fight club is."
"It's about two blocks that way," he said with a point. "Though I haven't been in over a year. And you did not hear me say that," he sighed.
She looked at him. "Uh-huh." She looked at the matriarch and smiled. "Can you settle this or should I set up a card table and hold a mediation meeting like I did in Egypt's marketplace?"
"No, dear. I can handle these pups." Sarah and Xander both bowed to her. "Have a better night, children."
"Maybe," Xander quipped. "As soon as I get out of the suit." He walked off with her to the car.
"But they're demons! In my neighborhood!" one human complained.
"It's their neighborhood," Xander said, glaring at her. "You're just living here."
"That's called gentrification," Sarah told her. "And it's wrong and racist of you. They have the right to live in their own neighborhood and even have arguments. I'm sorry your world is full of hippie white people but the rest of it isn't. You don't like it, move! We respect all peaceful life, even yours." She stared at her. "If you called that in, stop it." She got into the back of the car.
Xander nodded. "I agree. This is their neighborhood. They've been here since before it was DC. You moving here won't change that. Ever. They're allowed to be in their own neighborhood. You don't like that, move."
"It's my neighborhood now!"
Xander snorted. "I doubt that, kid. Go home. Become less of a problem." He went to the car. She tried to lunge at him so he turned and put the sword against her throat. "You wanna try that again, kid?" He stared at her. She shrank away from him, starting to cry. "Go. Home. Now. I'll be warning the local cops about you." She ran off. He looked at the matriarch. "Is she causing you problems?"
"Many but she's the first one of many. We have a few other humans but they're nice. They're the ones who called me."
"Good! I like that." He looked at the cop showing up, nodding at him. "There's a whiny girl sort who lives on this demon block who complained they were having a fight. Got a slayer called on the regular stupid kid argument. I've solved it and she tried to demand that I take them out."
"We saw on the local cameras, sir." He looked at the demons. "Is that fight done?" The matriarch nodded. "Then let's clear the street so they can repair that pole, beings." They went to do that. He looked at the president. "Were you going to cut off her head?"
"Only if she made me. I don't like to take out whiny ones, only evil ones. Trying to do whatever it's called when white people move into ethnic neighborhoods then feel entitled is wrong but not fully evil. Until they start calling you guys because they exist."
"We've seen a few, sir. We'll handle her and her problems."
"Just make her move. People like that are miserable neighbors." He walked off. "I told them how to find a fight club to mediate gang issues that way."
"Not a bad idea. I need to suggest that for the human ones in the area."
Xander grinned. "It works that way too, but they may have to ask. The only ones I know in the area are demon fighting rings." He shrugged but smirked a bit. "They may set aside a night for them to fight."
"They could, yeah." He nodded, letting the president be driven off. He looked at the other officers. "Looks like we've got a gentrifier, people." They nodded, going to talk to her about her problems. She really needed to move.
The demons went to gossip about that with the normal humans in the neighborhood. The president really was a forceful asshole but an honest one and a just one. They were right to have him elected and to keep him in there for the next term too. Even if he will complain loudly about that.
Maybe they should talk to to the president's lovers about that. Have them help that nice colonel find one too.
***
Xander looked around the ball. The girls had all, every single slayer in the world, pouted Harley into coming tonight with him and Christopher. Most of them had done it in person, even a few flying in from Europe, but the rest sent videos to her. A few had even kidnaped her to go shopping. So she looked fantastic.
The dress was midnight blue with a slightly dipping collarbone height neckline but was fitted perfectly to her body all the way to the draping back that barely covered the top of her butt's swell. The bare back had just a hint of glitter body spray applied so your eye was drawn to all the bare skin.
Christopher's body was meant for a suit. His tux was fitted to his muscles and he looked great. People were drooling on them. Xander... "I feel like I'm at the prom redo," he complained quietly. "All I need is Anya nagging me to listen to the ways she could handle the people in the room."
Christopher looked at him. "The one you nearly married?"
"She got rehumaned just before the prom so she talked me into taking her. Then she left for the graduation battle so she wouldn't die too soon before coming back again." That just got a nod. "This feels like the prom again."
"At least your suit fits this time," Harley quipped. "The girls did good getting you to a better tailor. You look like less of a dork than usual."
He blew a kiss. "I can't move in this if I have to."
"I'm here. You don't have to," Christopher said happily. "And the Colonel's here in another corner scowling at people to make them leave him alone." He looked at Xander. "Which one of us do you want to take out for the first dance thing?" Xander shrugged. He sighed, looking at Harley.
"You do it," she said with a hand wave. "It'll make you two look hotter to dance together. I enjoy it, others will enjoy seeing it on the news. We won't have to worry about that one guy's ghost. It's stupid he blew himself up by accident trying to create a new video showing he was more manly than you are, Xander."
He nodded with a sigh. She squealed when she saw who was coming up to sing the first dance song. "Oooh, Canary! Thanks, Xander!" She hugged him and kissed him on the cheek. "Go dance. I'll hang out with Canary for a bit then come back."
"Okay," Christopher said with a nod. He held out a hand and Xander took it with a smile. "We do look hot."
"We do," Xander agreed, leading the way out there. He nodded up at Harley's friend, who he hadn't told her he had asked to sing tonight. He swung Christopher in to dance with him.
Up on the stage, Canary smiled at Harley, singing for them. It was sweet! She had seen those videos and nearly drooled on them. Now she could see it wasn't edited at all. Christopher spun Xander out and took control of the dance with an evil smirk. Xander just grinned back and let him handle it for now.
Xander looked up at the sudden gasp, staring at the doorway. "Wow, not the night to do that, dude. Go the fuck home please!" He smiled and waved. "You're interrupting a mushy moment and I'll hate it when I introduce you to your guts so you can name them."
"I got this," Harley called with a hand wave. She came out to get Xander's sword from his back holster up his spine. "Thanks for the lending." She walked over there, glaring at her ex-boyfriend. "Really? You had to ruin his night?"
"You need two to take my place?"
"Hell no, we both wear out Xander. He's got *stamina* and I can't handle it on my own." She took a swing at him and he laughed but her back swing got him in the shoulder. She smirked. "Not like I didn't train with him." She kept going until her ex backed away from her, hands held up, grinning at her.
Peacemaker shrugged and pulled a gun, shooting the idiot in the nuts. "There you go, sweetie. Have fun!"
"Tell us when you want help," Xander called with a wave. "I've got something on hand of course."
"Harris," Flag ordered. "Hand it to Peacemaker." He pulled out the shrunken thing to hand over. Peacemaker moaned at it and let it grow, staring at the idiot. Who turned to run.
Harley looked at herself. "At least I didn't get messy." She took a napkin to clean off the sword and hand back. Xander put it back into the holster and kissed her, taking her to dance with next.
"Hey!" Christopher complained. "Where's mine with her?"
"You get me next," she said with a blown kiss. "Xander can go dance with Ricky."
"No," Rick Flag complained. "Thank you anyway, Harley."
Xander let Chris have Harley at the end of that one, walking over there. "You're trying to ruin me protecting them?"
"We have half the guards in the US here tonight," he said, staring at him. "Let them feel as macho as you do."
"Fine!" A few people laughed at that huffed complaint. He shrugged at one. "I never let anyone do it when I can do it myself." He looked at Canary. "Thank you for that song," he said, holding out a hand.
"You're good to Harley, right?" she asked with a smile, shaking his hand.
"Hell yes. I promised her ex I would be." He grinned. "Ask her yourself. We'll let her hang out with you all she wants. We're not jailers. That's the colonel's job."
Canary smiled, getting Harley when she came off the floor to sit and talk with her.
Rick stared at him. "They're all retiring at the end of the year."
"We're going to all be that bored?"
"Maybe. I am."
"I tried to give you some fun. You went on a raid afterwards."
"That's not my style, Harris."
Xander waved and someone came over. "Selma, this is Colonel Rick Flag, my second-in-command. Rick, this is Selma, the former Staff Sergeant who runs the orphan's house for us." He grinned and walked off to let them talk.
Rick looked at her. "Is he trying to set us up?"
She nodded with a smile, holding out a hand. "Of course he is. He wants people to have happiness if possible." He shook her hand but looked amused until she threw him down and smirked at him. "Always be on guard, I teach the orphans that before I send them at Xander." She winked and walked off.
He moaned as he got up, going to talk to her. At least she could match him somehow. It turned out they were a lot alike. They read the same books. Had both been raised by imposing military figures of fathers. She was like a female him but had a different duty and a dirtier sense of humor. And she picked on Deadshot for him because the guy was pouting that he was forced to be there to guard them. He got so upset that she compared him to a few of her orphans.
***
Five Years Later
***
Xander walked up to where Lex Luthor was arguing with Superman on his rooftop deck. "Dude," he said dryly. "Is this really what we need to be doing today?"
"Yes, he's infected with something so I picked up my old hobby," Lex Luthor sneered then turned around. The sneer disappeared. "Harris. He's been exposed to something."
"I can see that." He sent a dart at him, then a second right after it because he couldn't catch both, the second had magic attached. The poor guy fell to the ground with a huge thump and a crater. He leaned over the edge of the building. "Demon snot dart," he called with a wave. "Should last at least twenty minutes so someone can fix him." He stood up again, looking at Luthor. "Is being up here in that supervillain outfit really what you think you should be doing today? As the most prominent citizen?"
"They expect it of me," he quipped. "Why are you here?"
"We're having a portal event in about fifteen minutes. You're one of the three places that had the portal with those demons. Not sure if it's them or not, all the seers saw was a lot of portals and a mass of beings. They didn't see a battle so not sure if they're refugees running. I figured I'd come handle it myself though." He stared at him, giving him a pointed look. "Is that what you're wearing to that event?"
"No, I need body armor just in case." He went to put it on. He wouldn't mention that the former president was in leather pants and a t-shirt plus biker boots. Someone had clearly dressed him for their tastes today. He didn't want to speculate about which one it had been.
Xander went down there. "People, in about ten minutes we'll be having another of those portal things happening. No seers have seen it being a *battle* group. They've just seen a bunch of portals and a lot of beings coming over. It could be refugees. Please do not attack them until it's clear they're a problem!
"Otherwise you're an asshole and I have a sword to fix that for you!" The officers called that in. "We know it'll open here because something here draws portals to this area. Just like the two battle ones. Flag's got Gotham again with higher weapons. I've got yours. We've seen two to three portals this time, not totally sure." The officers nodded, adding that. He looked down. "We may need him but apparently he's fucked up."
"He's having a reaction to an exposure," Batman said as he appeared out of an alley behind him.
"Sure, I get allergies. A lot of people have allergies. Can you cure it?" Xander asked, looking at him. "And I'm shocked you're here."
"I'm heading back as fast as I can after I put him somewhere safe." He put on special cuffs. "Is that the same demon snot you used on the Joker that time?"
Xander grinned and nodded. "It even works on teenage girls sneaking out of the slayer house." Batman snorted but hefted Superman up to take him to safety for now. Luthor's cell for him would do for now he guessed. Xander grinned at the staring mayor. "What? I'm still a watcher and that same guy I was in Africa."
He went to where the portal had formed last time. Yup, this time too. He stared at the thing opening and shook his head. "If you're running from an apocalypse go to the right," he called in his best field command voice. "If you're here to cause problems, let us know now please."
They went to the right. "Okay, that makes sense." He saw an odd thing, looking at the other version of him. "That's weird. I thought being twins was weird but this is really freaky." He walked forward, stopping that him. "Hey." He smirked.
"Oh, hey!" He looked him over. "I haven't seen you at the conventions. I'm Forger." He held out a hand.
"Former President Harris." He shook it.
"Not like the other one I know of."
"Huh?"
"We hold a yearly convention of Xanders. I'll have Prez or Lavelle or someone find you to get you set up to go to that. But we're having a witch-pocalypse and were running from it for a few hours."
Xander held up a hand. "Is your Willow still alive?"
"Yeah, but it's not her. It's actually a witch in a drug haze who created the portals and the things that were making everyone run."
"Okay. Need some snot darts? Need weapons?"
"Need sense. The thing is a bitch to handle. It's driving even me nuts."
Xander looked over there then nodded and shot something at her, making her repel it, but she didn't count on the thing inside the thing coming out to grab her. "Kinetic slime and a few Lolis. It's my hell coming weapon." He grinned and let him see it. "Go fix it, dude."
"Shit. Thank you. That Enchantress spirit apparently traveled."
"Oh, hey, I know about that one. It's a possessing thing. But alien. So the normal things won't work against her. Try cryo sedating levels? Before the one in Gotham sees since it's my VP's former girlfriend?"
"Can you do that?"
"I can put her into stasis," Luthor said, coming forward. "That is Moon." He grimaced and got something carried out to him. He fired it at her and she shrieked but fell down in a coma. "It's causing some limited brain swelling but not totally incapacitating. It works on all sorts of aliens." He looked at Harris.
"He's in Gotham."
"Great. Can we end the projection she's doing?"
"Counter pulse it," Forger said. He looked at someone, who came to do that. It eased it and people started to go back. "Thanks for the temporary place to sit and rest. I'll have Lavelle or someone find you to come to conventions."
Xander and he shook hands. "Always happy to help with the bigger things." He stared at him. "You're a lot younger. I hope your life's a lot easier. Though, try to find my lovers there. They might be nice to date for you."
"Who?"
"Chris and Harley." He grinned. He showed him pictures.
"Awww. Yeah, I can see. Though I think you're in a different sort of universe than we're in. We have X-Men and Avengers."
"Oh, hey, you're a comic to us!"
"And the guy beside you is one to us." He grinned. "But I can look. We do share that as well. Some of us could really use a great lover. Wait until you meet one of the GHS us." He got the last few people back and made sure by looking around then announcing the portal was going to close to never open again. A few more came running.
"If we find more, we'll figure out how to get them back if they want to," Luthor said dryly.
"Okay, that'll work. Thanks, man." He walked back through and the portal closed. "Check the other portals to make sure they're ended too!" he called.
"They are!" Stark yelled back. "Foster's reversed the flow to end them."
"Great. Tell someone if someone's still missing. Luthor said he could get people back."
"Luthor?" Phil Coulson asked as he walked over.
"Lex Luthor. He was beside a version of me I've never met who was president of his US. That makes two. I really need to hide from that stuff just in case the third time's the charm hits me." He walked off shaking his head while sending a text message to someone.
Phil Coulson stared at his back then looked at Stark, who was shaking his head. "Someone really needs to give that boy some help," Coulson decided. "Before someone hears that idea and makes it happen here." He went to handle the reporting in and the counting of people to see who had escaped. He also ignored Deadpool muttering about how wrong that world was.
On that side, Xander heard someone going 'I'm the baddest, most evil thing ever' and looked over. "Shut the hell up before I beat you to death," he ordered. The kid tried to pull a gun and got a Batfist to the face. "Thanks." He walked off. "It's weird he was with X-Men. One of me was in a comic book universe. Wow." He went to think about that on his way back to Gotham. He needed to get some sanity infused from those he was borrowing from. Even Harley gave him some sometimes.
Batman shook his head with a sigh. "What did he use?"
"He said it was kinetic slime and something called a Loli," Luthor said with a grin. "It was slowly climbing up her as the little pink things were trying to absorb her."
"That's gross." He went to find out what they were from the classification book he had gotten off the slayers. "That's very gross," he decided when he found what a Loli was. The kinetic slime was at least natural. Lolis grossed him out.
Though he could just see Harley releasing some on her ex's gang of clowns. Unfortunately he could see how it'd happen. He had to deal with Harris in Gotham after all; it was making him want to retire and let the Robins handle it.
The End.
This Was Not What I Wanted To Be When I Grew Up!