Buckaroo brought in the second mug of tea. Xander moaned and took it to drink. "I added some of that other stuff." He sat on the foot of the bed. Xander nodded he realized that. "Still hurt?"
"Yes." He looked at him. "Buffy's already vowed to make me shop too. So some of it's possibly dread."
"Your dad's a good shopper."
"He's not Buffy. They can go together and leave me alone."
"Not likely," Tommy quipped. "Better?" Xander nodded, belching quietly then sliding back under the covers. Tommy covered him up. "What's up?"
"Penny's worried that he's sick. New Jersey is explaining visions to her."
"Just don't let her become like Buffy," Xander mumbled.
"I doubt she'd turn into a cheerleader," Tommy said. New Jersey walked in shaking his head but smiling. "She calmer?"
"Yup." He looked at Buckaroo. "He okay?"
"Had the tea," Xander mumbled, waving a hand under the covers. "I can sleep the rest off and have a mild headache tomorrow for the meeting."
"Buffy said they're telling everyone what happened," Buckaroo said. "You could skip." Xander snorted. "You could."
"No I can't or I'll lose some respect and the girls will learn to nag me about stupid things like she does. The slayer spirit already got some of that from her."
Alathandra appeared, kissing him on the forehead. "I'm going to stop her again, dear." She disappeared before the guys could grab her. She could even help Gabriel with his plans since some of the older slayers had annoyed him to no end. She never appeared around the younger slayers so she didn't warp them and make Xander mad but the bigger ones were fair game.
The two friends shook their heads. They could make sure Xander was normal after the meeting. Penny walked in with drinks for them. "Thanks," Buckaroo said with a smile.
"You're welcome. Is he going to be okay?"
"Yeah, it was another vision," Tommy said. He sipped his coffee. "This one was bad but it was important."
She nodded. "I still don't understand those things."
"It's like a movie preview of a problem but you're the only one who sees it and the screen is right behind your eyes," Xander mumbled. "I only see huge shit, like apocalypse battles."
"I'm sorry, Alex." She tucked the blanket around him.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome." She left them alone. Buckaroo patted Xander on the foot then left.
"Nice humoring job," Tommy said quietly. Xander flapped a hand under the blanket.
***
That same gate guard saw Xander outside the gate later that night, nodding at him. Xander smiled back, walking over to a car that pulled up. He leaned in and said something then came out with a large package. It was too large to be drugs but that wasn't the usual way they got deliveries. He watched him look inside the package then walk inside looking happier. He'd wonder but it wasn't his job. He did make note of it for the security patrol. They could talk to Tommy about his kind of weird son and his nighttime activities.
Buckaroo looked at the boy walking past him, taking the package to look at. "It's a nice break from writing the textbook. New herbs?" Xander nodded. "Just for the headache tea?"
"No, I needed to refill some too. Only three of those go into the headache tea. I need to harvest the others and they're planted at the safehouse in Africa. I'll have Brie send them to me in a few days."
"You can plant some here."
"They only grow in hot, humid places." He sat down to go over them and their uses. His stepmom was used to alternative medicine stuff so he could handle some things like anti-possession potions.
***
Buckaroo's phone blinked a text message the next afternoon so he looked at it. "Can you send Dad to please take Buffy shopping instead of me?" he read. He thumbed open the picture, grimacing. The very fashionable Perfect Tommy would definitely say something that outfit. "Tommy?" he called. He came in a minute later, switching a bottle of water for the phone. He grimaced. "If we can get you there...." He watched as a young girl ran in and grabbed Tommy, taking him with her. "That's...really weird," Buckaroo decided. Thankfully his phone was on the floor so he could put that into his pocket and drink his water.
Tommy looked at the grinning girl that had grabbed him. "Brie?" he guessed.
"Yup." She grinned. "We'll send you to Mr. Xander's torture. This is Dawn. She's Buffy's sister. She wanted to make sure you weren't a mean guy. These are Solange, she's another slayer's sister who lives in Asia."
"Pleasure," he said, shaking their hands with a smile. "I know Dawn is very special to Xander, he's mentioned you a few times, Brie, but he hasn't told me anything about any of his slayers in Asia yet." Solange, who had to be all of thirteen, giggled and blushed. He grinned. "I'm not the mean one, girls. It's all right." The other two introduced themselves and Dawn told him where Buffy was making his son shop. She even called a cab for him. Dawn was even nice enough to give him maps of the slayer compound and a list of all of Xander's things so he knew. He could like that one. He walked into the store Buffy was making Xander try on shirts in, grimacing. "No, not that one."
"He needs clothes," Buffy said.
Tommy looked at her. At least she was in pants today, even if they were hip hugging and she had nothing for them to hug to. Her shirt was ...sparkly in a teenage girl way. He looked at his son, then pointed at the shirt behind him. "That one." Xander sighed but took that shirt to try on. "Xander has to be able to do things in his clothes, Buffy, and be comfortable. Men's fashion isn't like women's. We don't expect to be uncomfortable half the time. We can work on his wardrobe together."
"Sure." She grinned. "Giles said he had to have two suits for stuff and he needed all new jeans and work clothes. Plus some nicer things because he doubted you wanted your son to look so sloppy."
"Xander is his own man and he doesn't share my taste in clothes. He needs to be able to move, fight, and play with the girls." She sighed but nodded. Xander came out. "Wrong size."
"Right size," Xander said. "It's clingy and tight." He picked up a nicer looking shirt. "This?" he asked hopefully.
"It's *plaid*," Buffy complained.
"I like plaid!"
Tommy hid the smile. "As long as you match it appropriately, pick the blue tones of plaid, Xander." He grabbed two. "Try them on." He did that. Tommy totally railroaded his son into getting things he could handle his life in. Three bags of clothes later they were out of the menswear stores. Then two good suits at a more upscale shop so he looked tastefully handsome. Buffy fussed about the fabric so he explained why he chose that type of silk and that pattern as well.
It looked good on his son and it was strong enough not to rip if he had to handle something while wearing it. Plus a lot of things came out of silk. Buffy got them back home thanks to the coven and went on her own shopping mission. Tommy looked at his son. "Go put them up." Xander nodded, going up to hide from him. He smirked a bit at the guys staring at him. "Xander has a slight shopping phobia thanks to Buffy."
"Poor guy, he had to shop with you and a girl," Pinky teased. "I don't know which one's worse."
"Her. She dressed like a club girl even in the daytime but doesn't have the body to pull it off." He walked off. His son could hide for a while then he'd pull him out of his closet to go over that house to see what he really needed.
***
Xander looked around the house again, grimacing. "I need someone who can dust."
"Might help." He sneezed and opened a window. "What did she do in here?"
Xander sniffed. "Cleaning with herbs instead of cleaning supplies." He walked toward the back. "Watch out for the fist hole in the hallway floor," he called back. Tommy followed, shaking his head. "Looks like someone downstairs was really mad." He found the kitchen and looked around, then sighed. "Mom, you suck," he muttered. "See any salt?"
Tommy looked in, spotting the two frozen things. He pointed. "Sack that says salt?" Apparently it had a use since she had a ten pound bag of salt in a corner. He'd have to ask some day when it wouldn't freak him out.
Xander looked and nodded, getting it to stop the problems going on. The two frozen imps disappeared. Xander went downstairs to work on anything down there. He came up to answer the pounding on the door. "Officer, this is my mother's house. I'm stopping the stupid black magic she was doing." He walked off.
"Sir, come here please?"
"Let me stop this before it ends up eating the city," he said impatiently. He jogged down the stairs and went back to ending it. The cops followed but froze when the demon came free of the spell. Xander stared at him. "Go. Shoo. Mom gave me the house. I'm not doing deals like she is. Go find her, she's in Athens the last I knew." He waved a hand and moved onto the bigger one. The demon was pouting. "Dude, watch me call the slayers." The demon huffed but disappeared. The bigger one was drooling when he freed it. Xander pulled his gun and shot it. "There, now you can't eat people. Sword please?" he asked, pointing back at the one on the wall. The officer handed it to him. He beheaded the beast in two swings. "There, dead." He looked around. "One more area." He walked that way with the sword. He opened the door, finding fire. "Huh." He stared at it. "Anyone see a fire extinguisher?" he called loudly.
"Yeah," Tommy said, handing it down to the officer. "And the blue thing up here is trying to drool on me."
"Well, you're Perfect and they hate perfect things," Xander said dryly. "That's why they go after virgins." He put out the fire. He jogged up to shoot the blue thing then went back down to finish off that spell. That took more work and a bit of work with a sledgehammer. Then he smiled and grinned at the officers. "There, stopped."
"Who are you?" one asked. Xander pulled out his wallet and ID. They read it into the radio. "Do you know the owner, sir?"
"It's my biological mother."
"Oh, okay. So this is your family home." Xander nodded. "Would she have called in a trespassing call to 911?"
"I doubt it. She told me I could have it. Mostly because I was going to blackmail her by ending her two demonic soul contracts on her for being such a bitch." Tommy coughed to cover up his laugh. "I can call her." He pulled out his phone, dialing that number. "Mom, me. Did you call in a trespassing call?" He looked around. "Oh, security system you *forgot* to give me the code to. Sure. Oh, blood based....eww, your parents were cousins? That explains a lot. By the way, got the demons here. No, I haven't done the one you have trapped in the bedroom yet. I'm a bit scared to go in there."
He walked off, going to turn off the security system. "Thanks, Mom. Have a great trip." He hung up and looked at the officer. "It's partially blood based and it got set off because I'm not *fully* of the bloodline." The officers shuddered. "But it is my house now." He pointed at the envelope on the coffee table in the living room. "The deed was signed over to me." They looked at it and made notes. The second officer followed Xander upstairs to look at that demon. "Oh, wow," Xander said, then backed out. The officer was holding a hand over his eyes. "I do not want to know that much about my mother. Damn!"
He walked the officer back down there. "He needs brain bleach and so do I. And possibly some napalm as well as about six herbs to make the stuff to banish the holding spell." He sat down to flip through his phone. "Pierre, Xander." The guy hung up so he called back. "It was Nessie, not me. Don't start. I'm cleaning up my biological mother's mess and she's got some huge demon trapped in her bedroom. I need herbs. You're closest, that's why I'm calling my ex," he said dryly when he complained.
"I could call Dave but it'll be another two hours of travel time." He smirked at his father. "Hey, my bio dad wondered about some of my ex's. I need that set and some thyme. Plus a smudging kit. I left mine back at Dad's place. Thank you." He hung up shaking his head. "Why?" he muttered, looking up. He frowned and waved at the demon face. "It's mine now." The demon face disappeared. "It's going to take longer to get all the demons out of here than it will to fix the porch and the roof."
Tommy nodded. "Possibly." Seeing his son work was like seeing a non-technical Buckaroo. It was clear who had the most influence on his son's life. It was a good thing Buckaroo had been such a good stepmom. Now if only Xander did scientific things to make him happier.
Xander huffed, looking at the officers. The other one had went up to look at that demon and was now blushing. "I have no idea why she wanted that thing. Who in the hell knows with her." They nodded and left after making notes. He looked at his father, who went to look. He came down looking horrified. "Yeah, I think that's where she went after having me. Wow."
"Definitely. I know a few size queens but even they would think that was too big." He sat down after checking the couch. "Now what?"
"Removing demons." He nodded.
"How far away is Pierre?"
"About seven blocks." He looked outside at the slamming door, getting up to open the front door. "Thank you, Pierre." He looked through it. "I needed that. No smudging stuff?" He looked at him.
"I'm out. How bad is it?" Xander led him up there to look at the demon. "Shit." He backed out slowly. "Your mom was wacked."
"Quite probably but I think in her case it was hereditary since she said they liked to inbreed a lot." Pierre shuddered as he walked off. "Tell me how much I owe you."
"Ten bucks." Tommy paid him. "Have fun with that."
"We're going to send it home. I'm not touching that." Pierre left. Tommy walked up there. "Still need stuff?"
"Smudging stuff but I can do that tomorrow." He looked over at the sound of the front door opening. "We're up here." Buckaroo jogged up the stairs. He paused, staring at the demon. He was looking at his tail, which clearly showed signs of having sex with something about his size. He glanced at the demon's front, having to look by some sick sense, and was horrified that the dick was about as big around as his head and about as long as his arm. Xander grinned at him. "We don't want to know what my mother had him for."
"Me either," Buckaroo said, handing over the smudging herbs. "You sure you can banish it?"
"If it won't break, I'll try something more ornate tomorrow once I gather stuff I don't have here." Buckaroo nodded, backing out and taking Tommy with him.
"Thanks, I was stuck," he muttered.
"Me too." He shuddered. "Let me go clean my mind."
"He cleared some out of the kitchen and the basement."
"These?"
"No. Smaller."
"I'm hoping that's a good thing." He left before his mind went places he did not want to travel to. He kindly took Tommy with him so he wouldn't have to deal with that stuff for a few minutes. Friends saved each other.
Xander was trying not to smirk but was laughing as he worked. Nope, it didn't work. He'd have to try the harder thing. Xander sighed, calling his other boyfriend's phone on his way out the door. He nodded at Pinky, who was waiting on the hood of his car reading a graphic novel. "Dave, me. No, Pressantor in my mother's bedroom," he sighed. "Yeah, fully. Like bad mental places, naked demon, eww sort of Pressantor demon, Dave. Didn't work. Thank you. Yeah, that's now my house. I'm cleaning it. Thanks, man." He hung up. "Buckaroo still meditating?" Pinky nodded with a grin. "I don't blame him. The very thought of that demon is gross."
"I don't want to know."
"Probably not." He let the BBI take him back to the compound. "I have Dave coming up tomorrow with more stuff for me to banish it," he said as he walked in. Tommy looked at him. "You call her?"
"Yup. She said after me, that was fun."
"Great, so you broke her? Are you that big? Or are you why I only get frantic bad girls who want me too badly to try to hurt me like they planned?"
"Maybe the second," he said. He pointed. "Buckaroo wanted to know what they were for."
"Pretty much just what you think," Xander said dryly. "Or putting on a show. It's a sex demon. It eats sex hormones. If it's drugged with certain things, it'll eat the person it's sleeping with. We've only see one case of that in the last century. The watcher that spotted it got it mid...act. That's how we know you have to stab them with silver in the back instead of shooting it. His slayer saved his butt. Literally." Tommy shuddered. "Not that hard and it's cocaine that makes it go that insane."
Xander shrugged. "There's some really weird demons. I had to teach the girls about them and only showed them the top half of the picture. Cala looked under the page I had blocking the rest of the drawing and went to tell her mother if men were built like that she was going to never touch one. I had to do some explaining. She thanked me for trying to shield her from it." He sat down. "Dave'll meet me there at ten."
"That's fine," Tommy said, patting him on the back. "Giles or someone sent you books."
Xander got up to look. "A new classification set." He repacked it and carried it up to his room.
Tommy looked at Pinky. "I'm going to bathe in bleach." He got up to take another shower.
"I'm glad I didn't look." He went to get something to drink. He ran into Penny. "Xander's back. Tommy's washing off bad things and Buckaroo's probably still meditating."
"How bad was it?"
"I found some demons trapped in my bio mom's house," Xander said as he came down the stairs. "It's a bit disturbing to most guys."
"Oh, okay. Is there anything to learn about those?" He nodded, taking her up to get her the first three books to go over. She patted him on the cheek and went to read them in the living room. Xander went out back to workout among the trees.
Penny was still reading when Buckaroo came downstairs. He looked at the book then at her. She smiled. "Someone should know."
"Yes, they should." He smiled. "Dinner?"
"Please. I just ran into the second people eater species." He nodded, taking her to eat.
One of the Irregulars came out to get the books and study. Some of them should know, just in case. Buckaroo drove them nuts sometimes finding the strangest things, like aliens. One walked through the door but they knew him. "He took Penny out to dinner."
"Oh, man," he muttered. He looked up at the guy that came in from the back with a hand on his gun. "A new member?"
"Nope," Xander said, staring at him. "And you're not the first alien I've met either."
"I'm peaceful, man."
"Uh-huh. Jones?"
"He's peaceful. He's an auxiliary Blue Blazer Irregular, Xander. This is Xander. He's Perfect Tommy's son."
"Ah!" He smiled and shook his hand. "I mean no harm."
"Then I'm cool." He did his proper handshake, stunning him. Xander grinned. "I met Sheila. I think dad's upstairs. Want me to get him?"
"I came to check in with Buckaroo about a being coming this way."
"If it's a giant, floating head, the slayers already know," Xander quipped with a grin back at him. "Let me go back to my exercise."
"Sure, man."
Tommy came down adjusting his collar. "Huge new alien problem, John Parker?"
"Your son, he is weird."
"Very."
"He said he met Sheila but the only one down here was a runaway serial killer."
"Doesn't shock me any. Those are the sort of girls Xander draws."
"Did he get it from his mother?"
"Yes. She consorted with demons."
"Ah," he said, nodding at that. "That explains much. There's a new being heading this way to cause problems."
"Xander had a vision about the giant, floating head. We can talk about it until Buckaroo comes back." He led him back to the chowhouse. "Where's Xander?" he called a minute later.
"Exercising in the trees."
Tommy leaned out the back door. "You are not Tarzan and are not exempt from eating," he called. He closed the door. Xander came in a minute later and went to wash his hands so he could eat. A few of the guys were laughing but they had no idea how hard being Xander's father was. Even as a kid Xander had driven some people nuts.
***
Xander looked up from his reading that night, smiling at his girlfriend as she appeared. "Hi, Alathandra. Have fun setting up the new house?"
"I mostly redecorated." She leaned down to kiss him. "Why are you reading about them?"
"I have to remove one from Mom's house so I can use it." She grimaced. "I removed two servant imps and a few others earlier." She laid down next to him. He put the book down and flipped onto his side to kiss her. She moaned, moving closer. Of course, someone had to knock on the door. Xander stopped her from cursing them. "Big problem or little one?" he called.
"Heard you moan, making sure you're okay and not needing the infirmary," the guard called.
"No, girlfriend's here. We'll try to be more quiet but thanks for worrying."
"Not a problem but don't let Mrs. Johnson find her, Xander." He walked off smiling. He heard a female sounding squeak but that was nice. He ran into Tommy in the downtime area of the computer lab. "Your son's good."
"He having problems?"
"Girlfriend." Tommy winced. "I warned him about Mrs. Johnson finding her."
Tommy shook his head, pulling up the demon information page Dawn had sent him about Alathandra and her sisters. "She's one of these."
He read it. "I'm glad she didn't curse me then." He warned the other guards, who just smirked about the kid having a happy night.
Tommy went back to the demon information page. He had a lot to learn about his son's present life. His son had a page on the hunters site, and one about the team he was on. Then there was one separate one about him in Africa. It had a few things his son didn't put into his patrol journals. A few... "My son needs better taste in women. Or groupies, they might be groupies," he complained quietly.
New Jersey walked in. "Where's Xander? I was going to check his injuries."
"His girlfriend's in," Tommy said dryly.
"Ah! Okay, I'm not going there. I'll check them tomorrow before he goes to banish demons." Tommy waved him over. He read over his shoulder. "Is that...."
"Yeah, nineteen to break in because they were of age and had captured him for that purpose and then he had a battle two hours later."
"Wow, I don't have that sort of stamina."
Tommy looked at him. "Even during the days I got groupies, I didn't have that sort of stamina." New Jersey patted him on the shoulder and left him to his reading. "My son's a tiny bit weird," he decided. He heard one squeal but he wasn't sure if that was Alathandra or Penny. It was their anniversary in a few days so it could've been Penny. Really, he didn't want to know.
***
Xander came bouncing down the stairs the next morning, smiling at the nice woman who watched over the compound and kissing her on the cheek. "Morning, Mrs. Johnson."
"Xander. Are you two getting married?"
"She won't let me propose. She's evilly playing with me until she finds a nice man to torture and breed with. I'm sorry I broke the rules," he said, giving her the kicked puppy look.
"At least she was quiet and let you have some sleep."
He checked his watch then looked at her with a grin. "I haven't slept yet. I can go for days like this." He bounded in to get some coffee and food then headed to follow the post-it on his door's instructions. New Jersey shook his head but checked all the injuries. Xander headed out to his mother's house at a jog. It wasn't that far, only six blocks. His other ex was waiting there. "Thank you."
"You're welcome." He looked at him. "Alathandra in?" Xander grinned and nodded. "You're a better man than I am. I'd be scared of her."
"She has a femdom thingy that covers the vaginal teeth."
"Still, Xander. She's a bit nasty."
"Only if I'm mean to her and I'm not mean to my ladies."
"Uh-huh. Does your father know she can eat people?"
"Maybe. I think Dawn sent him links to the demon information pages." He shrugged. "Let's get this Pressentor out of the house so I can set up here to train the girls."
"Are you going to fly back and forth?"
Xander grinned. "No, I'm going to let someone pay off the life debt by gathering things for me." His ex shuddered but nodded. Xander took him up there to work on the banishing. It'd take magic, which Xander didn't have, and shaman skills to control the problems it'd cause, which Xander did have. They got it banished finally and settled down to sweat and pant. They checked the rest of the house. Only a few smaller demons. They found his mother's sex toys that had imps charmed in them but his ex took those to sell in his store. Xander kissed him and he left. Xander laughed, going to do the formal summoning for Castiel. His father was waiting in the living room drinking coffee. "Morning, Dad."
"Is that thing gone?"
"Yup, and all mom's demonically running sex toys too."
"Dem...I don't want to know."
"She charmed imps into them to run them."
"Still don't want to know." He took another drink. "What are you doing now?"
"I'm going to summon Castiel so I can give him the way to remove the life debt he owes me for helping with the kidnaping." His father nodded. "I need someone to go gather a few things." Castiel appeared with Gabriel holding his arm, and grinning. "Poker. Debts. All of them. Including the portal ring and all the warehouses of stuff." He grinned. Castiel stared at him, shoulders slumped. "Two of the bigger ones do owe me and they hate that they do. I could go collect but I might collect a few other things and I'm forbidden because it might start a tiny little demon war." He hugged Castiel. "Thank you."
"I can help him do that," Gabriel said.
"I will do that duty to discharge the life debt," Castiel said. A small chime rang and both of them got handed the list of things they had to collect. He stared at a few then at Xander. "Why do you need that?"
"I don't *need* that, but I won it and it's an all or nothing thing with that one." He shrugged. "It's keeping it out of bad hands at least. I might let you guys destroy a few of them."
"Gladly," Gabriel said dryly. He and Castiel disappeared. They could get Sam and Dean to help them gather things.
Xander grinned at his father. "This way I can get to my girls."
"How often are you going to be home?"
"I've got people who are going to be helping finally. So more than I have been. All you have to do is call, Dad."
"I know." He stared at his son. "What are you going to do about your girlfriend?"
"She can travel."
"Uh-huh. The page on her was very interesting but a bit...upsetting."
"Femdoms stop the teeth thing."
"Teeth... Nothing was mentioned about teeth." Xander pulled out his phone to look her up. He handed the phone over once he had it up. "Dawn didn't send me this link."
"The other one's for trainee watchers to get them started in a general sense. This one's more comprehensive." He went to the kitchen. "I have to clean and update a few things."
Tommy read the whole thing twice. He looked toward the kitchen. "Son, teeth?"
"Female condoms block that. She said the nether teeth don't like them, they taste funny."
Tommy shuddered. "Please date someone less deadly?"
Xander came out. "My last one is in town. She texted around daybreak, that's what woke me. Alathandra may or may not have spotted a nice breeder sort to spawn with. Not sure but I know she's looking for one that's fertile."
Tommy stared at him. "What does the former girlfriend do?"
Xander considered it. "I think she's a jewel thief."
"Really?" he asked dryly. "No one that does something legal?"
"No, I had to turn in the last agent I dated because she was torturing someone for information. I got a bit squicked and had to complain."
"Good!"
Xander hugged him. "Calm down, Dad."
"I am calm. I'm perfectly calm. I was even at morning meditation with the guys to be this calm." Xander grinned, flopping down in the chair. "How are you going to afford the bills?"
"Paycheck?"
"You have one?"
"Giles had still better be paying me," he said dryly. "Considering I spent most of yesterday straightening out his paperwork on him."
"That's fine. So cleaning supplies and the stuff for the porch or roof?"
"I have stuff in storage at the farm in Africa I can use for that and cleaning supplies, I need to buy."
"We can do that." He looked around. "Then furniture?"
"Slip covers for now. Slayers are hard on furniture."
"I guess they could be. All kids are." Xander shrugged but grinned. "Let's go get you cleaning supplies."
"I need the cab number."
"I have a car."
"Mine's in Africa." His phone beeped so he answered it. "Yup?" He listened. "That's great, Scott. Yeah, I usually start there. I'll be in and out with the girls for a while. Yeah, that'll work. That is my farm. I had one chicken and it's free range...oh, now I have ten chickens. Where is the rooster?" He nodded once. "Yeah, if she wants she can have two or three of the chicks for letting her rooster out. I don't mind. I'm hardly ever at the farm. It's more of a fall-back than anything." He nodded. "That's fine. I can do that. Sure, you guys can. Giles let them out sooner? Cool!" He grinned at his father. "Giles let my new backup people out sooner."
He listened. "It's practical. I used to have a jeep until it got killed. That'll work and I'll come dig up the few supplies I have hidden in a few weeks. Yup, we can do that. I'm waiting on the transport ring. Great. Yup, that'll work. Start with Cyndra and move south? I'll start there and move north.... oh, still at the farm. That's cool. Why? I thought they went home." He listened and grimaced. "That's bad. Yeah it's in the barn, under the floorboards. Yup, we have to handle that. I'll be there in a while. I'll head right there and we can handle that." He checked his watch. "Yup....no, Brie should not be snatching me...." He disappeared.
"Call me," Tommy ordered. He got up to make a list of cleaning supplies. The kid seriously needed someone to help him. Maybe Mrs. Johnson would know someone who could be a good housekeeper for the kid. He went home to talk to her. And then Giles, who agreed it was a good idea. Especially since the African slayers were facing a slight apocalypse problem at the moment and he had no doubt Xander would at least be limping at the end. He looked that demon up and wasn't pleased. That got handed to Buckaroo as Tommy went to get a beer. It was early but somewhere in the world it was Budweiser time because his son was going into an apocalypse battle.
Buckaroo looked at it then at Tommy's back. "I take it Xander's back with the girls?"
"With his new helpers."
"Good. Maybe it'll be easier."
"Two adults, four guys," Tommy said. "Against something you'd want the army for?"
Buckaroo considered it then texted Xander to come back to the house once he was out of the hospital. And to call as soon as possible so his father wouldn't worry as much. Tommy would try to play it cool but they could do something to take his mind off things. They had a small upcoming tour to get ready for, that should help.
***
Xander blinked, staring at the nurse five days later. "What?" he demanded, sounding hoarse and tired.
"Your phone is beeping in an alarming way," she said in Swahili.
He took it from her and squinted at it. "Dad. I forgot to tell him I'm okay." He sent that text message then drifted off again.
Cala limped in, taking the phone to call as she limped out. "Mr. Tommy, it's Cala. Xander is mostly sedated. They want to keep him down so he won't fight the traction." She listened to him say he had seen the battle on tv. "They filmed it? That's weird. Usually they try to hide such things." She listened. "No, Zen and I are both healing well. Thank you for asking. No, Buffy yelled at us for not sending for her and Faith at the very least. Xander said he wanted Faith too but that was because she could use a weapon none of us could use. He promised to teach us how to use it when we were all walking again." She smiled at Zen. "It's Mr. Tommy."
She took the phone. "We're all okay. Xander's fine, they just don't want him to fuss at them about his ankle." She listened. "Someone filmed it?" She grimaced. "That's not good. How are they going to hide things so people don't panic and come after us again?" She leaned on the wall. "I can do that. We can have him sent back there. The other watchers are out but complaining. We're all near the farm since the battle was down south. They transferred him up here so they can send him home I'm sure. That would work. Thank you, Mr. Tommy." She grinned and blushed, ducking her head. "That's very sweet. We do like candy and that's a good reward for winning. Thank you, Mr. Tommy." She hung up and went to look at the nurses. "His father is going to try to get him home to New Jersey."
"If that healing spell her sister did works, he can go home tomorrow," the head nurse said. "You'll have to keep him in bed for days but he can go home." The girls smiled. "Go fuss over things, girls." They nodded and left to watch Xander sleep. Alathandra had been in an awful snit when she had shown up to yell at him for getting injured. His two ex's that were local had both sulked about him being injured but wished them all well and congratulated them. None of Xander's slayers understood why those sort liked him but it was nice he was liked by people who wanted to do married people things with him.
***
Tommy hung up and one of the Blue Blazer Irregulars nicely took the phone from him before he could throw it. "Thank you," he said. "We need to send Xander's slayers some candy for winning."
"Honey candy?" Penny guessed. "I doubt they're used to Hershey bars."
"Hershey is sold internationally but the formula differs," Buckaroo said. "I'd go with fruit, honey, and nut treats." He looked at Tommy. "How injured?"
"I heard the word traction noted twice," he said dryly. "Other than that, they're keeping him sedated so he won't fuss."
"It's not a bad idea," Buckaroo said. "Get him transferred back here while I finish this chapter of the textbook."
Pinky came out of the security office with Tommy's phone. "Some young girl named Brie called."
"Cala's sister," Buckaroo said absently.
"Xander's ankle's broken, it's being held in place while her healing spell works on it and his ribs. They had to remove a two foot demon claw from his stomach, only six inches was inside. She said they didn't remove anything and the anti-venom did work already. She called Alathandra a mean cow's cunt, she agreed with Nessie about that, but said something about cannibal teeth that I didn't understand. She said there's no new concussion, no visions, no other injuries beyond that and some scrapes when he slid thanks to being thrown. Buffy called to complain and I reminded her that's what warriors did, we fell in during emergencies." He handed the phone back with a grin. "Brie said the healing spell should fix most everything within a few days."
Tommy took a calming breath. "Thank you."
"Welcome." He walked off. "Hey, boss, there's someone at the gates?"
"Go see who it is, Tommy. That way you get to calm down," Buckaroo said.
"Sure." He walked out there, nodding at the guys in the black Impala. "Guys, I remember seeing you when we found Alex. What's up? He's in Africa."
"He had Cas gathering his poker debts so we're dropping off the easy ones," Dean Winchester said.
"He's setting up about six blocks away," Tommy said.
"His house has security on it and as soon as we get it into his house it's going to expand from what the nice, naked poker playing demon said," Sam said with a grin. "We don't want it to do that in the car."
"Is that his warehouses?" Tommy asked. They shook their heads. "I'm wondering if they went to Africa with him."
"Gabriel said that those were under the barn," Dean said. "He got them for Xander and the slayers when asked."
"We can find a corner for them. How much stuff is there?" Tommy asked.
"It's all in the trunk," Dean said dryly. "The naked demon shrank them for us. All he said was as soon as it was at Xander's house it'd grow."
"I think he considers that his house instead of here." He shrugged. "Sure, I'll hoard it here until we can get him back from Africa." Dean got out to hand him the boxes. Tommy looked in one then at him. "Why is there fabric?"
"Not really sure," Dean said. "Not sure I want to know."
Sam got out to lean on the roof, smirking at him. "We did hear that he and Alathandra broke up. She found a suitable breeder and he won't let her eat him like she'd want to do."
"Good!" The guys smirked at him. "Maybe he'll date someone nice next time."
"Not with what we heard of his history," Dean quipped. "Have fun with that. Cas said he'd get some of the farther flung ones this week."
"We should have Xander home in a few days. We hope." They nodded. "Do you guys know anything about healing spells? Brie said she did one."
"Not a thing. Our type of hunters doesn't do magic or encourage anyone to do magic. Most of the witches we've seen made dark deals for their powers," Sam said. "Rosenburg and a few others apparently grew into theirs instead. Most of the witches are bloodlined but she's not and we're not sure what happened to her."
"Xander said she was addicted to it."
"The rush of power's good," Sam admitted with a slight grimace, almost a pouty face. "It's really nice when you can do it." Dean stared at him. "It is."
"You're never going there again, Sammy."
"I know I'm not, Dean."
"Thank you." He looked at the guy again. "There had been one less box when we took them for Cas. I'm not sure which one that is though."
"We can check. Thanks, guys."
"Not a problem," Dean quipped. "I'm kinda glad he's giving Cas something mostly easy to work off that life debt. He could've been a real hardass. Moving help, not so bad."
"Even if we do find out more about demons like the slayers deal with," Sam agreed.
"There's a few websites they use," Tommy said. "Dawn sent them to me."
"I can email Dawn to get them," Sam said with a grin. "Thanks."
"Welcome. Thanks, guys." They got back into the car and drove off in a rain of heavy metal music. Tommy carried the boxes inside and put them into Xander's room for now. He'd wonder about things until his son could unpack them. He'd be there to see so he could nag about weapons. It's what a good father did.
***
Xander woke up with a blink. He recognized this room. "Huh, home," he said.
"Do not move," Buckaroo warned. "At all."
"Am I paralyzed? I wasn't when I went to sleep."
"No, but you don't need to be moving those stitches."
"Yeah, bone healing spells don't heal cuts," he said through a yawn. "How long have I been home and are the girls okay?"
"They're fine. They've all called. Tommy let them video chat so they could check on you," Buckaroo said, standing up to look at him. "Yes, I have you mostly immobilized so you can't rip anything." Xander grimaced but nodded he understood. "Cala's a bit pouty you wanted Faith."
"The girls don't know how to handle the higher artillery stuff and neither do the new watcher guys. I have to teach them. I had to teach Faith. I told her that."
"She knows. She thinks you missed training her in something."
"No, I didn't think she'd need to know that class of weapons. Or I'd be there if they did."
"You can chat with her later. You're not moving from that bed for two days."
"If I must," he sighed. "Thank you, Stepmom."
"Welcome, kiddo." He patted him on the head. "Be a good kid and I'll even let them feed you pudding instead of jell-o."
"I grew up on weak jell-o but pudding is good." He grinned. "I need to send the girls presents."
"Tommy sent them candy."
"They'll adore that. I need to send stuff for clothes. It's about time for that and presents for winning the battle. Any apocalypse battle means you get new weapons."
"We'll look at the ones you're getting from those poker debts," he said. "They dropped some off." Xander nodded, yawning again and drifting off. Buckaroo sent Tommy a message. He was off talking to someone paranoid in Homeland Security about the battle.
***
In New York City, Tommy looked at his phone. "Xander woke up. That's good." He looked at the officials again. "The president knows about the slayers that got transferred over."
"Why weren't we told?" the local head of the unit demanded.
"I'm not the president, I don't know," he said, again. They'd been over this twice now. "Why don't you ask him?" He stood up. "I can't give you anything you want to know. Most of that has to come from the president and I'm needed at home."
"Why? Your girlfriend anxious?" one sneered.
"My son just woke up out of a medically induced coma to heal the damage from that battle. You're taking me from my son's side." Two of them flinched. "Talk to the president, not us. Or even Mr. Giles. He's in charge of the slayers." He walked off. He'd had enough and he needed to be there when his son woke up the next time. Thankfully his car wasn't touched in the garage and it was an easy ride home this time of day.
***
Rupert Giles walked out to talk to whoever the slayer answering the door had called him about. "Yes, may I help you?"
"Rupert Giles?" the agent in charge demanded quietly.
"I am. How may I help you?"
"I'm Agent Dexter, Homeland Security. We're here to talk about what your girls are doing."
"Right now I'm hoping most of them are doing homework. It's the time of day for it," he said pleasantly. "But we can chat." He led them to his office. His two silent backup agents stood up the whole time.
"Why were we not told that you had appeared here?"
"I do not know. We were at the white house that same day over things. I wasn't aware I should check in with any agencies."
"You were at the white house? Why?"
"The young slayer that precipitated the event that merged our realms had landed there looking for her trainer. He had come here, which is his home realm, to heal some injuries with his father."
"Can you expand on that?"
"I can but I probably should not to protect the girl." He sipped his mug of tea and put it down. "She's nine, Agent Dexter. He is her trainer, he's over all the African slayers at the moment. Though I have been thinking about putting him over the US slayers instead and moving the majority here to England for safety reasons."
"Sir, to be blunt, I watched that show," one of the backup agents said. "Mr. Harris is in charge of the African slayers?"
"He is. He's got two adult ones and fifteen under patrol age in training, nine under puberty. Down to two that are mere children and he's teaching to read. I've recently sent more to work with him so he's not traveling as often and has more time to work with the girls. That particular one is often thought of like a daughter of his by many sources."
"What about the hellmouth?"
"That was on the structure of the old realm and it stayed there. I'm told we'll be able to separate again in about three hundred years." Agent Dexter grimaced. "We did leave quite a few problems there, including two demons that were slowly undermining most of Russia and parts of their surrounding countries by tunneling. They were going to end up sinking in the land within another year from what we saw." He took another sip of tea and put the mug back down again. "Most of the bigger threats the slayers are handling quite subtly. They have been before due to some...discomfort by the average person when things happen around them. Here seems to be a bit better about that."
"We try," Agent Dexter said.
"Sir, I know there was another season I didn't get to watch," that backup agent said. "What happened to Sunnydale?"
"It got sucked into the hellmouth after the battle against the First Evil. Which was also the issue that made Willow activate all the slayers."
"Did Miss Rosenburg help with the merging?" he asked.
"No, the young slayer, who is nine, wanted Xander back when he came home for a bit. She talked to a higher level demon who Xander had arranged to remove her from a dangerous situation if necessary. Apparently her idea also helped stop the apocalypse in the making in Russia, the demon Yakuza problem in Asia that was growing into a possible apocalypse, and the one that we had barely heard was starting that was coming from the angelic host that was *tired*. That one is mostly stopped but there's different power structures here so it's not as likely and both sides are having to consider their options at the moment. At the very least it's slowed it down or postponed it for generations at this point in time and Xander has noted that he can get explosives onto other realms so they're not really wanting to restart it at the moment either."
Crowley appeared, staring at the agents. He nodded at his minion Dexter. "It's a screwy plan that we all adore because it means that we're not in an immediate battle plus we get to prepare for it better." He smirked at Giles. "We'd like to talk to Miss Rosenburg."
"I believe she's without magic," he said firmly. "Why would you want her?"
"Because she summoned one of us by non-magical means and tried to sacrifice him." Giles blinked a few times. "To get her powers back."
"Xander bound her."
"Yes, but there's ways of summoning us if you find the right spot," Crowley said. "I've had them all disabled just in case." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Where might she be?"
"I thought she was here. Is it local?"
"Not that I'm aware of, unless Cleveland has suddenly moved closer to Detroit."
"Buffy!" Giles yelled.
Faith leaned in. "B went with Red yesterday on a road trip. What's wrong?" She spotted the demon. "Don't make me take you out. He'll complain about the books."
"Miss Rosenburg summoned a demon and tried to sacrifice it to get her powers back."
"I'll tell X so he can beat her ass," Faith offered.
"He's sedated due to his injuries so they finish healing," Crowley said dryly. "Otherwise I might have since by the current peace treaty I'm not to act against any humans and neither are they for a while."
Faith nodded, looking at Giles. "Witches?"
"I'll call them," he said, picking up his phone.
"I'll have agents pick her and Miss Summers up," Agent Dexter said. He looked at his boss, who shrugged. "Is it safe to have them here?"
"Yes. Because your old protectors are getting older and unable to handle things as often. That's why they allowed the merging. Especially since you'll have some more alien related problems soon." He looked at Giles. "We really must deal with her."
"I shall be. Is Buffy all right?"
"She was in the motel I believe. Not totally sure. I don't pay attention to the shade very often. She's an airhead and they give me headaches." He disappeared in a small gout of flames. Faith came in to stomp on the flames until they went out then walked off shaking her head.
Giles was muttering in Latin as he dialed the phone. "Maisy, I need Maribeth. Willow just tried to do a demon sacrifice of one of the true demons." He listened. "Detroit. Thank you. Yes, that will be held now." He hung up. "Once she's back here, we will be locking her away with the coven. They have cells that no one can get out of, even if they have powers. I'll be talking with Buffy about what she had planned as well."
"It's our job to protect the US," Agent Dexter said.
Giles smiled. "It's our job to protect humanity and the US is part of that. We would rather work with your people than not, but that has happened in our past. Some agents got very panicky about demons for a bit."
Dexter nodded. "We'll set down how to work together on things, including reporting to slayers if we see an uprising sort of movement among the lesser demon communities."
"That would be charming. There's not enough of us to be everywhere. Tell us if you hear about them in other places as well?"
"I can and will make that suggestion, Mr. Giles. We'd like to put an agent here to make sure of things like weapons."
"Yes, well, that's Xander's job," he said dryly. "He does tend to find them in some of the damndest places, like with the pirates he had to take out. Or the slavery ring he had to rescue a few slayers from." Agent Dexter slumped but the backup agents both smirked a tiny bit. "I know there's a warehouse of slayer needed weapons nearby. Frankly, I don't deal with modern weapons. I deal with ancient ones, as do the girls most of the time. They only know how to shoot thanks to Xander insisting. It has come in handy." He sipped his tea.
"The other hunters we've found?" the other backup agent asked.
"If they wanted to be incorporated as watchers we would not mind the experienced help," Giles admitted. "They would have to be good to the girls. They would have to help train them, as Xander does. I've recently given him a few to help in Africa and the girls seem to adore them because they have sense." Brie appeared with all the slayers and the new watchers. "Brie, is there a problem? You know you should not try that spell at your age unless there's an emergency."
"The sixteen Imams who have power near where we live have called for us all to be killed for being women who fight," Cala said quietly. "I didn't want her to do the spell, but it was safest since they raised a guerilla army and were coming for us. We need to move the families."
"We can do that," Agent Dexter offered. "And work on getting you girls to safety."
Nessie looked up at him. "Mr. Xander is in New Jersey. We can stay with him."
"Yes you can," Giles agreed. "I was about to make Xander over the US instead so he wouldn't have to travel as often." Nessie glared at him. "You could still visit and train with him."
"It's not the same." Faith came rushing in with weapons. "We're not bad girls today," she protested.
"People with guns," Faith said, keying in a door. "Inside, girls."
"I'm..." Zen started.
Faith shoved her in there. The other girls got shoved in there and Faith shut the door. The agents were already heading out front. "The rest of the girls are in the other two safe rooms with Andrew and the new cleaning lady." She rushed back out with Giles behind her.
***
Up in New Jersey, Xander moaned and held his head. "Someone has fucking great timing," he muttered. He felt around, undoing the straps holding him down. He sat up with a wince, calling his axe to him. No axe. He sighed and called it again. Still no axe. "Sure," he said, finding his phone on the table and calling the coven. "Cleveland's under attack. I know that, Maisy. Now please." He hung up and she got him sent there. He found his gun rack and loaded two, walking out there. "Boys," he said, sneering at them. "And I use the term loosely, because people who shoot at children are pathetic. What the hell are you doing?" They shot at him. So he shot three of them and looked at the last few leaders. "Well? I'm waiting."
"You're not human," one sneered.
"I am human. I'm just tougher than you." He shot him and looked at the last one. "Well? Still waiting, have no patience after the battle the other day." That one backed off and ran off. Xander put the gun on his shoulder and looked at Faith. "Aren't you supposed to be in a safe room?" She glared. He stared back. "You are a slayer, they need you more. Get your ass inside, woman!" She punched him. He took it and swatted her back. "You're too damn important to risk. Go. Inside." She nodded, doing that. He worked his jaw but it was fine. He looked at Giles. "They're coming back with more. Any idea where my axe is?"
"Probably in Africa," he guessed. "Or at your home."
"Not sure. It didn't come when I hit the retrieve thing Dawn made for me last year." Giles grimaced, shaking his head.
Gabriel appeared, handing him a footlocker with his axe on top. "All the families have been moved and are safe. Two of them wanted to come over here." He looked at Xander. "I got assigned to be your guardian angel."
Xander grinned. "Thanks. And for my weapons." He hugged him and handed Giles his shotgun so he could check his axe over.
"We can move the families that want to over here," Agent Dexter said. "It's an extreme circumstance."
Gabriel stared at him. "I can't move all of them."
"Get them to the same airport," Xander said. "We can fly them over."
"I can do that," he agreed, going to tell them that while Xander arranged the flight and showed the agents. They called that in and got it approved by the president. Xander called the others on a conference call. "Ladies, we're under attack by supposedly righteous people who hate that there's bad things again," he said bluntly. "Cleveland's in shut down and hiding mode. Africa's in a wreck by the text I woke up to."
"They're in my safe room," Giles said quietly.
"Giles has them. Thank you, Giles. Ladies, go to alpha hiding plan. Await further orders unless you have to remove yourselves for your own safety or the safety of those around you. Include your families if you can," he ordered.
"Yes, sir," came a bunch of female voices.
"Thank you. Be safe, ladies." He hung up and called someone else. "Who prompted the idiots?" He listened. "That's great. Thank you. No, please do if you can. We just had the house in Cleveland attacked and I've foreseen another one later. Thanks, Merle." He hung up and put his phone into his pocket, looking at Giles.
"You should be in bed," he said calmly and quietly.
"Yay me," he shot back. "I'm here for bad things." He looked over at the sound of a truck speeding their way. "Guys, they're going to try to ram the house." Giles activated the protections on it so they hit a shield. Xander grinned and waved. "The things superior demon species come up with that we can borrow." The people in the truck were followed by idiots in cars and more idiots in more trucks. Thankfully, Xander didn't have to worry about bullets or killing a normal person. Though he tried to just injure really badly. He got a few more injuries too but that had to happen this time. He ducked when he heard something huge going off. "You should be in the safe room!" he yelled.
"Yay me," Dawn shouted back. "I'm not going to let this shit happen. Thankfully I can't go Rosenburg." She fired off another weapon at the cars, making more people flee than stay to fight. She came down to look at Xander, who hugged her. "You need to quit worrying me."
"I will, Dawn." He kissed her on the head. "Go back to hiding. The girls will need you to back them up later." She nodded, jogging back inside.
Agent Dexter looked at the empty weapons then at Xander. "How did you get those?"
He grinned. "Kitten poker." The agents all slumped. Xander grinned. "We're on very good terms with the peaceful demon communities. We like it that way. It means we can hear things before they happen and handle them quietly."
"We like that too," Agent Dexter said. He called his boss, who had the president chewing on him. "Sir, Agent Dexter reporting from Cleveland. The mess is presently being cleaned up. The people who attacked the slayer house are mostly injured. The slayers are safe. We're working out an agreement to help the young women with their duties. We do want to put an oversight agent over the weapons," he told Xander. Who shrugged. "I know you gathered them for them."
"You'll never find all my weapons. Two I'm owed are off-realm," he said dryly. "I can't even find them."
"We'd like them to be consolidated to one area so we can keep track," Agent Dexter said.
"Two. I'm living in New Jersey and training the girls there."
"With your father?"
"He's up the road." He grinned. "Dad will probably want to look at the weapons too, maybe even look over my shoulder a bit."
"We can ask that he or one of his ...compatriots keep track for us, Mr. Harris." Xander shrugged again but winced and held his left one. "We can also make sure that any medical personnel here are very good at what they do."
"Our teams are good," Giles said. "They should be locked in the infirmary." He looked inside. Then at Xander. "Another one?"
"Don't know. I saw the first one, I saw this one, I had a hazy might-be-stopped one."
"Let's hope they are," Giles agreed with a scowl. "Go get cleaned up." He nodded, taking his footlocker and axe with him. "I'll take them inside, Xander." He took the footlocker from him. Xander kept his axe, it was his baby so he got to keep it. Not even their doctors took the axe from him. He looked at Agent Dexter. "Having someone helping the girls with training would be most kind of you. They've got naturally downloaded fighting skills but they need to practice them and weapons."
"We can do that," he said. He listened to his boss. "Slightly more injured, sir, why?" He winced. "I'm sure they'll let him go home later. Once he's made sure his girls are all safe. Thank you, sir." He hung up. "We will be meeting tomorrow, here, to make out that agreement. Until then, I'm sitting agents on this block to make sure you are not attacked again."
"That's very nice, thank you," Giles said, shaking his hand. Agent Dexter nodded and took his agents with him to make those orders from their car. Giles went inside to calm down the girls, who were all checking on Xander it seemed.
***
Buckaroo walked into the infirmary and found Xander back in the bed. "That's nice of you."
He waved a hand. "Dala said I had to. She sent me back and strapped me down."
"She did a good job. Any additional injuries?"
"Another thirty stitches and a graze."
"Uh-huh." He looked down at his 'step-kid'. "If Penny and I have kids, don't teach them to charge in without backup?"
"Isn't that your job since I learned being heroic from you?" Xander asked.
Tommy snorted from the doorway. "Yes, you did. Any grandkids I have, we'll teach them to have a bit of caution when they do the same things I heard you did."
"Had to happen, Dad."
"I don't disagree with that. I disagree with you trying to hide it."
"One of the witches put me back in bed."
"Uh-huh." He leaned on his son's bed, staring at him, smirking slightly. "You took on a bunch of people with guns and knives with a battle axe."
"It doesn't run out of bullets, and I've taken on bigger problems with my baby."
"I can just see your future kid, Toledo, named after the place where they made famous swords and axes," Buckaroo said.
"Still sterile," Xander quipped.
"You can adopt," Tommy said. "That way I have someone to make fashionable."
"I might adopt Nessie," Xander said.
"We can work on patrol outfits for the girls so they don't look like clubbers," Tommy said. "You can help."
"Must you punish me?" Xander begged.
"Yes, I must. You didn't even leave a note, son."
"Oops."
"Yup." He patted him on the leg, seeing the wince. "Old or new?"
"New," he sighed. "New graze."
Buckaroo took the sheet off him so he could check the new injuries. "The doctors at the house there have a good hand with stitches."
"They're trauma docs," Xander said. "I insisted when Willow wanted general people. She wasn't thinking about battle injuries."
"That can happen. People like to overlook the bad things." Buckaroo covered him back up and got him some water from the mini fridge. "You're not moving tonight."
"Can I sleep on my side?"
"No." He smiled. "You can't." He walked off. Father and son needed to have a talk about warning before going into a battle. Penny was looking anxious in the hall. "He's fine. He's begging for mercy from his father but he's fine."
She rubbed his arm. "Can we get them more help?"
"From the news, Homeland is going to be helping," one of the Blue Blazer Irregulars said from his seat. "I'm pretty sure they're going to have other agents helping too. Though one did want oversight of Xander's weapons, boss."
"I'm sure they would. So would I."
"Xander said they couldn't find them all, two were off realm and not even he could find them."
Buckaroo shook his head. "Sure." They all smiled at the boss going zen about things. "Sunset meditation is on like normal."
Tommy came out. "I'll be there. Xander agreed he'll at least send me a text message first. And I'll do the same," he said when Penny stared at him. She patted him on the cheek and walked off. His phone went off so he looked at it. "Hi, Nessie." He listened to her. "He's fine. Just a bit banged up. Few more stitches." He walked off listening to her. She needed to be calmed down before she got more frantic and did something else that was weird. He saw Gabriel appear in the infirmary but shrugged it off for now.
Gabriel appeared, hopping up onto the foot of the bed. "I know I'm your guardian angel and I'm excellent at it," he said. Xander smirked at him. "Don't do that to me again!"
"I handle things as they happen, Gabriel. But thank you."
"Uh-huh." He stared at him. "Only two things off-realm?"
"There's a permanent portal setup with them. I won that safe because I beat the shit out of the demon who had it under control when he jumped me. So I basically inherited it."
Gabriel nodded. "We'll see what we can do." He stared at him. "I can't heal like Cas could."
"I'm fine."
"Uh-huh. You're worse than a Winchester. You know that, right?"
"Been doing this for a while and I grew up like that once I was in Sunnydale. You learned to do things for yourself because no one else was going to do it for you."
"Point. I guess." He stared at him. "Try to stay out of trouble?"
"I try. I like my life most of the time. Even though I could be hit by a bus or a car or whatever, I'm usually careful."
"Good!" He hopped off the bed. "Let me go calm your terrors down before they start trying to call demons to help with things."
"That agent was in debt to a true one. That same one that showed up that night."
"Crowley? Figures," he snorted. He disappeared, going to check on them. He stared down at Nessie. "He's fine. He's in the infirmary being fussed at for the stitches. He's not even slurring." She glared and stomped a foot. "Calm down?"
"I want to go live with Mr. Xander."
"He has to finish fixing the house. Then you can live with him. Okay?" She pouted but nodded. "Good girl. The rest of you, be good. Please?" They shrugged. "Thanks." He went to moan to Cas about being Xander's guardian angel. He had to have some strategies for dealing with Dean in one of his moods.
Nessie grinned at the others. "Who's going to join me?" A few raised their hands. "Cool!" She pounced Cala to cuddle.
***
Xander snuck out of the infirmary and up to his room, finding his father in there. "Hi, dad."
"Knew you weren't going to stay." He patted the bed so Xander laid down and let himself be tucked in. "Thank you." He smiled. "The boxes are from Dean and Sam. They found some of the stuff already. It got shrank down by one of the ones they were collecting from. You can see them once they're at the house."
"Cool." He yawned. His father settled in to read to himself while Xander slept. It was weird but comforting. Especially when two of his ex's tried to climb in the window and got stopped by his father's gun in their faces. That was sweet of his dad.
***
Two weeks later, after Xander had escaped to go work on the new house, Tommy showed up with the boxes. "You nearly ready for these?"
"I think I am." He hauled them inside and blinked when they unpacked themselves all over the house. He checked, all the artillery was in the basement, the guns were in the front closet, the food that was left at the farm was in the kitchen, there was a tent out back, and there was now a porch swing but it had a wrapped box of candies in a heart-shaped box. "Cool. This is about a third of it." He grinned at his father.
He looked out back. "Why is there an Arabian tent?"
"I think that's a hint from him since I don't remember winning one." He considered it. "I wonder if I have camels." He went to look but his father walked him off to help set up his closets. "Sure, we can play with the clothes," he quipped. "What would you have done if I was still twins, dad?"
Tommy looked at him before smirking evilly. "More of you to love and take shopping."
"I'd flip a coin so we could switch off."
"Nope," Tommy said with that same evil smirk. "You could both go with me." He pushed him into the bedroom so they could arrange things up there. Then down to the kitchen to work on that. Xander did lean out to look at the tent, fortunately there were no camels, and then came back to work on the supplies they had. "You need plates for your truck."
"I've got them coming. I've got a temp tag I have to put on. I only got around to it last week."
"That's fine. We can go grocery shopping." Xander nodded, going with him. Xander knew how to cook. Not on a regular gas stove but he knew how to cook in the fireplace. That would translate over and Tommy could help. Xander had some unique ideas but they had a good organic market nearby for him to get weird things in. By the time they got home, the Winchesters had a few more things, which magically unpacked themselves once they carried them inside. Still a nice desert tent in the backyard, thankfully without camels. Dean and Sam looked around, Dean carefully shutting the front closet when he saw the weapons. He found the swords and crossbows in the other closet by the back door. The basement got a look down and Dean decided he didn't want to know. He had his own weapons, thanks.
Sam was staring at the tent. You could hear music from it. "Xander?" He pointed.
"I don't know," he admitted. "We can go see." He walked out there and leaned in, staring at the nice interior that looked like a movie set where you'd see belly dancers performing. "Greg?" he asked.
That demon smiled at him. "I'd love to have dinner with you later, Xander."
"Dad's here with the Winchesters. Rain check?"
"Definitely." He blew a kiss and disappeared with his radio.
Xander walked back to the back porch. "It was Greg. He wanted a date."
Sam blinked. "Is that normal?"
"I don't really look at race all that often. I only really care about harmful or not." He shrugged. "Alathandra was one of the Sisters of Magic."
"Don't they have nether teeth?" Sam asked.
"Yeah, but female condoms block that and she said they taste nasty to her so she'd never bite through them." He grinned. "She's found a nice breeder so she dumped me."
Sam hugged him. "Maybe you'll find someone kind of normal." He walked him inside.
Tommy looked at his son, then went back to chopping onions. "Let's cook, kid."
"Yup. Guys, staying for dinner?"
"We love free food," Dean quipped. "So what's the tent?"
"Greg wanting a date," Xander said. "I think it's a fantasy of his or something. But no camels so I don't have to worry about pets." Xander moved to work on the meat. "Stew or not to stew?" he asked.
"Don't care," Dean said, looking at Sam.
Who shrugged. "You're cooking, we're just hungry," he quipped. Xander hugged him and got back to work. Tommy smiled at them and helped, teaching Xander how to regulate the stove instead of how to use the fireplace. It worked well and the barley with beef and beer stew turned out nice. Even if Dean didn't realize it had vegetables in it until he bit into a parsnip.
***
Xander walked into a mall two days later, dragging his feet. His father was punishing him for not following medical orders and sparring of all things that morning. Tommy was right behind him. Xander spotted a problem and winced. "That's Toth," he said with a point.
"No way in hell," Tommy said, walking Xander off by force and calling that in to Buckaroo. Who came to talk to him. He was the intended target but managed to talk his way out of being split. Toth had to pout at the logic that got used on him like a weapon. Then one of Xander's other ex's showed up with a sword and beheaded him but took the weapon.
"Make him pretty for our date next week please," the ex yelled. "I'm taking him to the Met."
"He has two suits."
"It's the *Met*."
"Good point. We can find him a nice tux."
"I don't need a tux. I have no idea how to eat in places that require a tux," Xander complained.
"You can learn. It'll be something good to teach your girls."
"I can't imagine most of the slayers in ballgowns. Even Buffy."
"Point but good manners are universal," Tommy said.
"Not exactly true. There's all sorts of different eating customs, even on the same continent." Tommy stared at him. "I guess I can teach them good manners while I teach them those though." Tommy nodded, taking him to get a new suit for that date. During the fitting, someone texted Tommy that the 'date' had been canceled due to that one being arrested. So that helped but maybe he'd take his kid to the museums anyway. He might like that stuff. Xander let himself be dragged since it was a punishment shopping trip and he did need new underwear. His father had found out he didn't have any, at all, and was not amused. Xander even talked him into helping him pick out a new pair of leather pants for clubbing.
Xander heard a reporter hissing about 'Perfect Tommy and his boyfriend' and looked at his father then at her. "I'm not into incest so can you keep the 'boyfriend' talk down please?" he asked dryly. She gaped in horror. He grinned. "He's trying to up my wardrobe so I look good enough to hang out with him." He walked off.
Tommy looked at her, shaking his head. "Xander," he complained but he was grinning.
"What?" He shrugged and smiled. "You give good hugs but I'm still not into incest." Tommy swatted him and made him get more underwear for that taunting of the reporter.
"Is he in the band?" the reporter asked.
"He never learned to play an instrument but if he wanted to learn I'd try to teach him."
"I'm a bit old to teach that stuff," Xander said.
"You're not," he shot back. "Really. It might help you calm down too."
"We'll talk about that later. I'm not sure if I could play." He looked at his hands, which had scars and bumps, and sore knuckles at the moment thanks to his possessed alarm clock this morning. "We'll see though. Maybe." He smiled at him. "You can't really wear underwear under leather pants."
"You can wear a thong and if you do it might keep some of the bad girls off you," Tommy shot back, handing him another pair for that attempt.
"Yes, sir."
"Good boy." Xander barked and grinned at him. "Cute." He walked him off to pick out shirts to go with the leather pants. He stared down the reporter until she ran off. He looked at his son. "She'd probably be drooling if she saw you with your battle axe."
"Maybe but I doubt she's my type." He shrugged. "I'll find a good lover sometime. They like to hunt me down."
"You don't flirt?"
"No, I like to be pursued for that. I flirt once they introduce themselves." Xander looked at him. "Anytime I try to flirt, the person huffs off being offended."
"Hmm. That sucks." He took that shirt away from him and handed him another one. Xander tried that on. That worked, almost. Wrong size. "I keep forgetting you have muscles." Xander flexed. "Showing off for someone?"
Xander pointed. "Reporter's still staring." Tommy glared at her. She walked off again. "Do I have enough clothes?"
Tommy smirked. "I'm not sure yet."
"Shit," he muttered. He got swatted for the swearing but that was his dad being a dad. They finally got out of the mall and headed back to Xander's house. Nessie was there by herself. "When did you get here and why didn't you call?"
"I ran away from Cala. She's got girl times and she's mean today." She hugged him. He cuddled her back, walking inside with her. She looked over his shoulder. "It's a reporter bitch, Mr. Xander."
"No swearing," Tommy ordered.
"Only about them and demons that cause apocalypse battles," she quipped. "They deserve it."
"They might, still no swearing. It's not polite and it's not what good girls do," Tommy told her.
"Since when am I a girl?" Xander asked. "Since those were my rules too."
"I can find you a pretty dress if you want," Tommy offered.
"No thank you. Willow tried a few times." He shook his head. "C'mon, we'll go train out back once the clothes are up." Nessie took some of the bags for him. Tommy carried the rest so they didn't have to make two trips.
***
The BBI on the gate looked over it at the knock. "We're not making any statements right now," he said.
The reporter backed up. "Who is that guy who was shopping with Perfect Tommy?" she asked. "He told a reporter at the mall he was a relative when she speculated they were dating."
"He is. We don't make comments about Xander either."
"Is he one of the crew here?"
"Not exactly. Still, no comment."
"Did you know he had a daughter?"
"He's training her, lady, he hasn't adopted her yet. He might, they're close and the kid's adorable, but not yet. Still, no comment." He climbed back down. He could hear her huff. He sent a message up to the compound for someone else to deal with that. He was a new Blue Blazer Irregular, he had no idea who handled press matters.
***
Penny got sent out to handle it that night when two reporters were waiting. "Ladies." They stared at her. "You're making the guys in the compound nervous. Do you mind?"
"We wanted to know about that guy that Perfect Tommy was spotted with."
"That's his son. They haven't had much contact for a long time so they're catching up. Though I think today's shopping was in punishment for something." She smiled. "We like Xander. He's a nice guy."
"That girl with him?"
"He's teaching her self defense."
"Why can't she go to a regular class?"
"Ask him." She crossed her arms over her chest. "Anything else?"
"Is he the same guy that was in that battle in Africa?" the second reporter asked.
"Yes, he was." She smiled and walked off again, closing the gates behind her. Buckaroo was grinning. "I was good."
"You were very good." She patted him before walking off. He watched the reporters hover outside but Tommy didn't even roll down his windows when he drove up to the gate. They could shout all they wanted but Tommy knew how to play it cool in the face of that sort of thing. He heard later Xander had come out onto his porch with a shotgun to drive the ones there off. They ran for their lives and called the cops. Who told them to leave the guy alone. He was jumpy and just off a battle, and they all hated the local reporters anyway.
Then Giles heard and Xander got chewed a new one for over an hour in a few languages by the stuffy British guy.
***
Xander came out the next morning wearing clothes his father liked him in. He had to make a good impression. He had been ordered to make a good impression. He leaned on the gate, staring at the two people hanging out there. "You still haven't went home?"
"You were at that battle in Africa."
"Yes I was. It's not my first apocalypse battle." The reporter blinked. "There's been a number of them over the years."
"You...we're hearing about super strong girls out of Cleveland?"
"I'm told that slayers are a tv show to you guys."
"I knew it!" the other one snapped. "You're Xander Harris." He grinned and nodded. "You're related to Perfect Tommy?"
"He's my dad. I got moved to that realm to even some things out when I was four. Then I got deaged." He shrugged. "It meant I was there when the girls needed me. I'm still there when the girls need me, including the ones I'm training." He stared her down. "We at the Council are going to have to demand that you do not take pictures of the slayers as there's idiots who might take them out for doing their duties. Like the attacks in Cleveland the other day. Especially since half of them are under the adult age limit."
"It's not against the law," she huffed.
"I can guarantee you that if you print a picture of one of the slayers or watchers, one of the unknown ones because I couldn't keep Buffy out of the press once this gets out if I tried, and they're hurt, you're going to not be pleased to see me for that final time." He stared at her. "Their safety is dependent on people not knowing who they are. It's a simple request and we're making it to all news outlets. Get the head people, Giles, Buffy, Faith said she'd hide like hell from you guys. You might even see me now and then. Do not get the other girls or the watchers please."
"I can see why. We'll talk to our editors about it."
Xander tipped his head. "I can accept that for now. But if I have to show up to protect them like I did in Cleveland, I doubt people would like that." He smiled. "It's not the first time since we had some slayers burned at the stake in Africa."
"I can see the point," she repeated. She also took a step back. "You're training the little girl from yesterday?"
"Yes I am."
"Did Willow Rosenburg really do that spell? The one that called all the slayers?" Xander nodded.
"How many are there?" the other asked.
"Over six hundred," Xander said. "Eighty-six are on patrol at the moment, another hundred have chosen to have a normal life and just protect around themselves or they're in college. The rest are all underage. The rules state no going on patrol until you're through all your training and at least sixteen. Because in some countries sixteen is a legal adult. Usually they have to be at least seventeen to be through all the training though. It was a practical rule."
"What about slayers that are from areas where girls marry very young?" the first reporter asked.
"We have a number of those. Some have kids, some don't. Someone associated with a few of the slayers stopped one being married off a few months back. She's twelve." The reporters both slumped. "I've been training the girls in Africa for a few years now. I've seen plenty of girls that became women before they were fifteen because that's when they got married and started having kids. We make the rules so they're practical for all and expect them to follow the sensible ones. We take very good care of our slayers, and we work with their families to make sure they have what they need to raise them until they come in for a few years of training. We're not like they showed the old Council to be. We stopped that shit immediately. And yes, that's an intentional swearing about that." He smiled. "Anything else, ladies?"
"How did you get this house? It's not in the records."
"It's my biological mother's house. She deeded it to me." He smirked a tiny bit. "After cleaning it up... It's much prettier." He walked off. "Have a good day away from my gate please. I've got more stuff coming and you're in the way." They ran off to tell their higher ups about that. Most of the news people agreed to not come near a slayer or watcher for their own safety. Though one did try one of the younger girls at the house. Who then got attacked by someone who managed to not get arrested after the battle. The cops barely got there before Xander did and that person ran toward the cops for their lives, letting Xander baby the slayer. Xander spotted the reporter, who also ran for her life and decided that it was a good idea to leave the slayers alone. He got to baby the slayer all the way to the ER then the house, then he went to yell at the reporters outside. By the time he was done, they all agreed to never take a picture of a slayer again.
***
They got a blissful four months before one good problem that would get them bad attention. Buckaroo had been taken from a concert by ...something. No one was sure. Xander wasn't nearby to identify the something because he was doing something for the Council. The guys who had been over the demon classification books hadn't been able to identify it. Finally Tommy got hold of Xander, walking off talking to him. An officer tried to get into his way so he stepped around him. "Xander, Buckaroo got taken by something...." He listened. Then he snapped his fingers.
"He's where Xander is liaisoning with a group. They spotted him on a motorcycle and told Xander he was chasing something." He listened. "Any idea what we need to do?" He nodded slowly. "Okay. Can you find him and guard him? Even better. Thank you. No, I didn't know there were any of those left." He grimaced. "We'll handle it. They made it our problem. Thank you, Xander." He hung up and looked at the guys. "There's still a few from Yoyodyne who exist. Xander said some of them may be halfies. They're the ones that had him snatched by that demon." That got a nod and a grimace by all the older guys. "He said Buckaroo's near him and he's going to see if he can find him. If not, the people he's with are helpful and peaceful. They'll help him."
"Can we get to him?" New Jersey asked.
"He's in Delaware."
"Too far away since we're in upper New York," New Jersey said. "Buckaroo okay?"
"Don't know, he didn't know," Tommy admitted. "So let's pack up and go see what we have to do." They nodded, getting everything together to head to the bus. Tommy followed, scowling slightly. A demon stopped New Jersey and grabbed him with his tentacles, one on his forehead, one on his mid-spine, and one over his asshole. "Hey!" Tommy shouted. "Get off him!"
"No, leave him," New Jersey said. "They're a hive species and he said Buckaroo had a crash." He looked at Tommy once he was free. "Xander has him." He looked at the demon. "Have him make sure he can handle it for five hours. It'll take us that long to get there." The demon nodded, babbling something before running off. "Thank you!"
"Guys, we need to go now," Tommy ordered as he walked onto the bus.
"Xander just had to borrow some memories to get Buckaroo stable," New Jersey agreed as he walked onto the bus. "All I saw was a head injury that was bleeding." The driver nodded and they took off once everyone was accounted for. Tommy had to do the bad calling and tell Penny but that had happened once in the past.
***
Xander looked over once the man was brought in. "Let's go to the science lab, guys. The human one." They nodded, two running ahead to start things. Xander accepted the memories and nodded. "We can handle it. I've seen it done in the wilds of Africa." He checked his patient over, nodding at what he saw. "Okay.... We need power, people." The nearest demon turned it on. "Thank you, Phuk 3." The demon babbled at him. "I know it's bad. Get me a scanner? Or something to take readings of his body?" A demon was pulled over and he showed an image after touching Buckaroo's body.
"That's nasty," he said, looking at a few fractures. "And some swelling. "Thank you," he told that demon, patting it on the head. "I need a breather." One was held up for SCUBA diving. "Get me a tube and the ticklish ones." They found one. It was exhausted. "Got one that's fresher?" It was found and stuck onto the end of the tube. Xander leaned down to open up one of Buckaroo's eyes. "Relax, I have New Jersey's memories. We're going to treat this and you'll be fine until he gets here. Even if it's a bit weird. I've seen it done a lot more harshly in the wilds. Just stay calm and it'll be okay. Dad knows. Then we'll handle the Yoyodyne aliens."
He let the eyelid drop. "Let's start." He scrubbed his hands in a nearby sink and put on gloves. "Let's do the tube first. I'll need you to keep tickling it every few minutes so he keeps breathing." They nodded. He carefully inserted the tube, smiling at them. "The things you learn from a textbook in Sunnydale." The demons beamed. He tickled the demon, making it laugh and breathe. "Keep it doing that."
One of the Phuks nodded, moving to do that for him. "Do we have anything like a vara demon?" The Phuks looked at each other and held a silent talk. Then one ran off, coming back with something that was dripping slime. "That's brilliant. That'll seal the bone fractures perfectly. Get me a syringe without a needle." One was handed over and Xander had to unscrew the needle cap but that was fine. He eased some of the slime out and moved over. "My med kit from the car?" It was carried in. "I'll eventually need a micro laser and stuff to hold his hair."
He found the problems and made tiny cuts to put the slime into the small fractures. Buckaroo moaned. "Tickle it please. More often." The Phuk did that. "Thank you." He finished and stitched those closed then took off the gloves and washed his hands and arms again. "Let's go full scale anti-contamination." He finished up and got put into a surgical gown. "Decent, guys, thanks." Gloved up, masked up, and gowned, he moved back to the bed. "Let's start with the hair masking." Some gel was handed over.
"That'll be good. Hard to wash out later but that'll be good for days. Good thinking, Phuk 5." That one beamed. "3, tickle it more often." 5 came around to help by taking turns tickling the little laughing demon. "Thanks." He carefully separated the hair and took the laser, saying a silent prayer before making a mini cut into his scalp. He cleaned it up and continued until he had a tiny hole into his skull. He did four more to give him some easing room, and if they had to remove the top of the skull later to give him more room it'd be easier.
"Let's lower the temp here, just in case," he said calmly and quietly. The demons got a chilling machine they had found somewhere and started it. "That's good. Just a few degrees please. We don't want him to have hypothermia, but it'll help with the swelling." They nodded, adjusting it for human strength instead of penguin demon strength. "Better." He checked with the demon that did scans. "Nicely done, Xander," he told himself, grinning at the scans. "Not a single drip of the slime. The swelling's already going down some." He patted over the hair when the man on the bed started to shift. "That's not a seizure."
"We can read his memory?" one of the Phuks asked.
"Please. That way we know it's safe just in case of something." They read him like they had New Jersey's and went to file that away once it was downloaded into a cube. Xander took off the medical gear and washed his hands again. He checked, Buckaroo was breathing but not that often. It wasn't a huge, great sign but a reasonable one according to the new memories.
Tommy pounded then stomped in once they got there. "Xander?"
One of the Phuks pointed. "In the lab, Father of the Great One."
"Thank you." New Jersey jogged that way. He came in, pausing at the sight of the breathing apparatus. "That's...hopefully helpful?"
"It is. It's getting tired too." He looked at the doctor. "I filled them in." He waved over the imaging demon.
New Jersey looked, nodding. "That's a good job, Xander. You're going to medical school, right?"
"I already read Willow's mom's textbooks when I was little and I hate bookwork. So unless there's a practical class, nope." He looked. "Hey, Stepmom, I'm going to have to withdraw the airhose once they bring in something to replace it."
"It's coming," one of the Blue Blazer Irregulars called. It was brought in with a few other things. "Here, New Jersey, from the mobile infirmary."
"Thanks, guys. Let me handle this. Xander, let's replace the tired, helpful thing with the machine." Because the little laughing thing was a tiny bit creepy and the guys were all staring at it like it was unholy and the real problem. He got it set up and they switched it out, Xander cuddling and petting the little demon, who purred at him for it. He praised it and handed it back. It went back to its enclosure. "What are they?" New Jersey asked as he checked things.
"They're Phuks. They're a hive species. They read memories and store them for later research and going over. They also store interesting things they find, like the chilling machine and our imaging friend here." Xander patted him on the arm, making the image wobble. "Sit, rest. We hopefully won't need help for an hour. Need fed?" It nodded. "Guys, get me some cheetos for this one please?" he called. "He's starving."
"Got some in the bus," one of the guys said. The demon moaned when he was handed them, inhaling the snack sized bag. "Wow, they really like those."
Xander grinned. "Their native habitat has a rice plant that grows out like the puffed version but they don't have cheese." He moved to check on things. "That filler is going to last forever. It's not toxic to bodies. It's antibacterial. I've seen someone knit bones together with it. I know some people who do the whole depravation playing time stuff that use it for that." New Jersey looked at him. "I had two bones sealed with it a few years back. It's slime and it's gooey but it hardens nicely and it's going to prevent any problems for decades."
"That's more than acceptable as long as it won't hurt him," Tommy agreed.
"No, it shouldn't. Very few are allergic to it. It takes an allergy to silver." Tommy shook his head because that wasn't Buckaroo's problem. "The only real problem I had to do something odd for was the swelling and I made five microholes and then lowered his core body temp."
"Which is a good plan," New Jersey agreed. "I've used it before."
"I've seen that same thing done with a chisel and hammer," Xander said. "Including at some hospitals."
"That's...horrifying. Really, really horrifying," Tommy said. "But he's good?"
"As far as I can tell. They brought him in on a board so I haven't removed him from it. I told him what was going on when he was brought in." They nodded. "So he should be fine as long as we get the swelling down."
"It's a good job so far. You've done everything I would've." New Jersey looked at him. "Will it make you forget them sometime?"
"Nope. It's a non-removable copy and paste thing. Even under memory spell it won't go." He shrugged. "It was expedient, that's why I had them ask you. Besides, I'm already field medic trained. It'll help the girls after a battle."
"It's a good idea and that's fine. Just don't hit on my girlfriend."
"I won't, or her husband." New Jersey winced. "You saw them in the parking lot."
"Oh."
"But I think he sent her to hit on you because he was filming it. I was there and spotted him, and stopped him, from filming from his car and whacking off."
"Charming. I'll avoid her when I get back." Buckaroo shifted. "No, you stay still. You had a wreck, you have swelling, you don't get to move."
"What are the guys at Yoyodyne doing now?" Tommy asked.
One of the Phuks tugged on his jacket sleeve. "They have gate. They want to bring others to go home that way."
"What sort of gate?" Xander asked. It showed him a picture. "That's not a good gate and it's not a dimensional gate. That won't get them home." The Phuk shrugged. "Did someone see it?" They shook their heads. "Who spotted it?"
"A Phunk was there. She saw it and told us. That's why we called," the Phuk said.
"Okay, we can do that," Xander agreed. "That's too dangerous to risk them playing with." The Phuk nodded. "Thank the Hive Mind Keeper for me. You guys did fantastic and I'm so glad you guys had such a store."
The Phuk looked up and behind them then smiled at him. "She said you are welcome, Knight, and we were happy to learn new memories. We keep all things private," he told New Jersey. "Unless they are needed. Then we only share with those worthy of a Phuk's life." He bowed and left them to it.
Xander looked at Tommy. "Let's go handle that. So you guys can worry and pace on top of the bones of your enemy?"
"I'll take a volunteer crew," he said. "You're staying...."
"I've actually raided compounds like this by myself and I know how to disable a gate. You don't." He grinned.
"Sometimes I wonder if you're not mine and Buckaroo's kid," Tommy said dryly.
Xander blew a kiss. "If you weren't a knight you wouldn't follow stepmom."
"Probably true," he admitted. "Penny's flying down, New Jersey."
"That's fine. He's stable and I can have him moved once it's safe." They nodded.
"Not the university," Xander warned. "Some of the Initiative people are there. That's why I was down here when I ran into a Phuk." That just got a nod. "Let me...." He looked at himself. "I'm good," he decided. "I need a weapon....." He walked out, going to get one from his car. He got his usual assault kit, outside of his axe. He'd miss it but it was at home. He drove himself there, spotting the guards. He drove past the area and then parked in a shopping mall's parking lot.
He snuck back the quarter mile, nodding at the team he spotted. The Irregulars were well trained. Xander got over the fence and snuck inside, taking out two beings who had to be half-breeds. Apparently some women would sleep with anything. He got up onto the roof, sneaking over to the electrical wires. He cut the wire leading into the compound and all the other ones. He nodded and snuck down again, going inside. The guys were following cautiously. They could all hear someone complaining.
"Why did the generator not click on!" a male voice shouted. "It should have clicked on! Is the rest of the neighborhood without power or is it just us? We can't wait, this has to open tonight! We only have two hours to do the final test and calibration."
Xander nodded at the others to take out the guards and he'd head for the gate, getting a nod from his father. Xander snuck closer. That room was lit with candles and torches. Very few shadows.
"Who are you?" one of the guards demanded. "Identify yourself!"
Xander stepped into the light. "I'm the White Knight of Sunnydale, bitch, and I'm here to ruin your day." He shot him then the others running toward him. "Halfies. Great." He jogged over to the gateway, looking at it. He checked his compass then the gate. He walked around it. "Shit, it's not a dimensional gate. It's a demonic gate. They set it up wrong." He touched it. Still warm. "And it's been opened tonight. Charming!" He ducked when something was shot at him. "Not going to work."
"You cannot stop us. Not even the Great Buckaroo Bonzai can stop us," the man sneered. "We will go home. We will rule again."
Xander stabbed him. "Sure you will. You can go home on your shield since you won't be carrying it." He shot a few more that came running. "I really need a sword," he muttered. He spotted the moving shadow. "Which one are you?" he sighed. She laughed. "Show yourself. I'm not playing this game."
"You're not exactly a worthy sacrifice but you'll do," a dulcet voice said from a shadow up the hall. "You're very nice."
"No I'm not."
"I think you are, Knight. Is that your rank or title?"
"No, that's a name." He sneered at her. "I work with slayers, demon. You're not getting free."
"I can and will." She came into the light. She was half naga, half woman. She was like Medusa that her hair was made of snakes but she wasn't changing him to stone. "You are very brave. I've seen a few knights over the years. No armor?"
He smirked. "Welcome to the twenty-first century."
"Hmm. It's a beautiful time. Pity there's not as many virgins to form my cadre of priests." Xander snorted, shaking his head. "I will live through this."
"No, you won't."
"I'm sure I will." She slithered closer. "You would make a good high priest." She touched him on the face and nothing happened. "You're not a pure human."
"Got exposed to mermaid taint," he said dryly. "But yes, I am. I was born one." He shrugged then punched her in the nose. She shrieked, flinching backward. "What's your name, bitch. The slayers will need to know for the books." She sneered. He sneered back. "I know baby slayers that do that better."
"I'll take them out tomorrow. You don't find me pretty?"
"Nope."
"Huh," she snorted. "You're not human."
"Actually, I am, I'm just bisexual. You're not pretty or deadly enough for my standards, lady. Never will be." She sneered, slithering around him. He turned to watch her. "I've drawn some of the most deadly ever, some of the most evil ever, and you're not even close to turning me on. Maybe you're kitten level of evil but you're not even as bad as some vampires, sweetheart."
"I'll prove you wrong by taking out the humans with you." She raised a hand but a shot rang out, making her flinch. "What is that!" she demanded. "How dare you try to harm me! What is that thing?"
"Again, welcome to the twenty-first century," Xander quipped. "They've been around for a few hundred years." She glared at him. He smirked back. "Some of us are very good with them."
"You carry no weapons," she sneered.
"You'd be shocked." She lunged and Xander swung with his dagger, making her laugh until he cut her breast as she moved.
"You...you...animal! How dare you despoil my beauty!" she roared, lunging at him again.
"Eeeh," he said with a shrug before shifting to the side to stab her again and kick her. "Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do." The fight was on and Xander really wanted a bigger knife but he had to use what he had. He was getting a bit injured, but yay. He finally stabbed her in the eye, killing her. Of course, got bitten by her hair snakes. He panted, holding that spot. "I hate anti-venom treatments." He looked at himself. "They're in the medkit back with the Phuks."
"That's why we have an ER," Tommy said, moving closer. "Guys, get him an ambulance." They were already calling. "Shoot her next time!"
"Can't. Needs to be beheaded before she revives." He swallowed and panted. "Need to do it now." One of the guys brought in a small laser and cut her head off. Xander nodded. "Thanks." Paramedics rushed in and paused to look at the dead demon then at him. "She had to go before she took out humanity," he panted.
"He got bitten by some of the hair snakes. He's got some cuts from the fight," Tommy told them.
"Your boyfriend, sir?" one asked.
"Father."
"Okay. Let us have him. We'll take the head in so they can test the snakes. Are her claws dangerous or have stuff on them?" Xander shook his head. He grabbed the breathing mask and put it on himself. "C'mon." They grabbed their stuff and Tommy carried him out to the ambulance while one got the head. They sped off while tying Xander down. They did not have time to waste tonight.
***
New Jersey walked into Xander's hospital room the next early noon reading his chart. "They're not amused by her hair. There's twenty types of snakes with twenty types of poison. Thankfully they could identify which one bit you." He looked at the guy on the bed. Xander nodded, making go on hand motions. "You good?" Xander nodded. "Throat still sore?" Xander nodded again. "That's normal I guess. You did swell a lot." He checked him over. "So, what do you think?"
Xander moved the mask to mouth 'I want out of here before the torturing nurse flirts with me again' then put the mask back.
"One has?" Xander nodded, tapping the phone beside his hand. He looked at the picture then sighed. "She is. No scrub top has that much cleavage naturally." He sent it to his own phone then put the phone back. "You up for visitors?" Xander shook his head. "Your dad's pacing."
"I made him go do something," was mouthed.
"Ah. No wonder. You know, this heroic streak of yours is pretty bad." Xander flipped him off. "None of that. I'm not near evil enough for you. Buckaroo's headed home. The swelling's fully gone down and he'll be in the infirmary for weeks. Penny's still crying on his shoulder and wants to bake you cookies." Xander grinned. "Which you can have when you get home in three days." Xander shook his head. "Oh, yes. Three whole days." Xander pointed at the window and the demon stuck there. "What's that?" Xander shrugged. "It's bad when even you don't know." Xander snorted but grinned. New Jersey walked over to look at it. "You can't hurt Xander."
"I'm saving him," it said through the window. "There's an evil one here who would like to date him. We must save him so his lover can keep him. It is a great love story with the blond one."
"That's his dad."
"Oh," the demon said, pouting. "Are you sure? He hovers like a boyfriend." Xander was laughing. "He is his father?" Xander nodded. "Pity. We were hoping the curse on you was done with." Xander shrugged. "Still, he needs guarded. The two evil ones are making plans on how to love and dismember him so they can share the joys of his body. One thinks if he has no calves and no arms he'll still be good enough in bed and be a nicely broken slave like her last one. The other one just wants his hands and penis. They are agreeing to share so far."
"I'll have people talk to them so they can't do that. Tommy would be mad if they cut up his son."
Tommy walked in, nodding. "I've already driven one off."
"She wanted him for a spell's sacrifice of blood, Perfect Blond One."
Tommy looked at him. "Seriously?" Xander shrugged. The demon nodded. "Huh. We'll have to stop them." Xander nodded. "Thank you for the warning." The demon cooed in pleasure. "We're all hoping Xander's next lover is good to him. He deserves one. He took out a demon that was half snake the other day."
"You killed the Goddess Medi," the demon said in awe, staring at Xander. Who shrugged. "She of the naga and the snake hair?" Tommy showed him a photo. "That is her." He gave Xander an awed look. "You are great." Xander grinned and waved. "I will still protect you."
"Thank you," Xander tried to say but ended up rubbing his throat. His father got him some cold water to ease it.
The demon smiled at New Jersey. "Is Buckaroo okay?"
"Yes. He's headed home to finish recovering."
"Good!" The demon shifted his grip. "It is the one who only wants his hands and penis."
New Jersey smirked at the nurse. "What are you doing?"
"I'm giving him his medicine."
"I doubt he needs viagra," Tommy said. "Thank you anyway." She glared and tried to hit him. He punched her into the wall and knocked her out. "My daughter-in-law has to be tougher than you." Xander was laughing. Another nurse came rushing in but there was an agent behind her and she couldn't get past Tommy to stab Xander. Who kicked her when she tried anyway. She went down.
The agent straightened out his jacket. "Gentlemen, who are you?"
"I'm his father," Tommy said dryly. "ID please?" The agent pulled it out to show him. "Homeland. Associated with Dexter?"
"He ordered me to put Mr. Harris in protective custody when he heard he was in here, especially from the slayers nagging." Xander nodded quickly. "One of the slayers heard about her...stash of partial men so we were arresting her for that when she tried to get him. The other?"
"Only wants his dick and hands," Tommy said dryly. "Only evil ones seem to like my son." Xander shrugged at him. "I'm introducing you to people with class and taste."
"We stopped one of those with flowers but he was an arms dealer," the agent said with a smile for the young man. "Marvin?"
Xander nodded. "Very nice to me. Is willing to help me raise the slayers."
"No," the agent said. "Thank you anyway but we want good influences on them." He cuffed the two women and got help carrying them out.
Tommy looked at his son. "No one with an open warrant please?" Xander nodded he'd try. "Thank you." He helped him sip more ice water.
New Jersey made notes in the chart and walked off shaking his head. Things were often not normal around Xander. It was less boring than they had for the last few years but they were hoping it wouldn't approach the level that Buckaroo used to cause when he was younger.
***
Xander got out of the hospital and was walking out to the car when two naked women with turtle heads rollerskated up to them with a kid between them. "Hi, Phunks." They spun him around, making him smile. "I'm happy to have helped." They hugged him. He smiled and patted the baby on the head. "Way to go, Baby Phunk. You skate so well. You'll be an excellent Phunk some day." The baby beamed and hugged him, spinning around more slowly with him. Then the moms gathered him and skated off together.
"They're...what?" Tommy asked.
"Phunks."
"What do they do?"
"That. Sometimes music festivals. They follow Phish a lot." He grinned at his father. "They're happy, unless you suggest rollerblades instead of the old style four wheel skates."
"I think they're neat," he said. "You can never be too happy." The watching Blue Blazer Irregulars were paying bets. Tommy got Xander onto the bus and sitting in a good seat, getting him some more ice water to sip. He looked up Phunks like he had the Phuks. They were an interesting, happy species. Even if they were naked. Maybe his son could get happy skating with them some day soon.
***
Epilogue:
***
Xander looked up at the aftermath of the battle against the giant alien floating head. "That sucked," he said. The girls all complained but nodded. "Not you ladies, but the battle itself sucked. It blew snot on us." That got some louder grumbling. "Okay, let's...." He looked at himself then at them. "I doubt even an ambulance would take us in this state. Eww." He slung off some of the snot. "Now I'm glad I stuck that sword up his nose." A few of the girls laughed. "Anyone need triage?" No one said anything. "Anyone need anything beyond stitches?" Two girls raised their hands. "Broken, bent?"
"Broken," one said. "Arm, her leg. She slipped during the second sneeze."
Xander sighed but nodded. "Let's see if EMS will take you girls. The rest of us can go to the hotel I guess. I'll do stitches if anyone needs some." They grumbled but nodded. He looked at the staring people. "Guys, did someone call ambulances for us?" he called.
"Right here," someone yelled, pointing behind them.
"Let's slurp our way over there. It's closer to the hotel." He helped up a few girls who were sitting in the snot so they could walk. He found one passed out and she got carried. He came back to make sure all their weapons were gathered, and a few jackets that got tossed off when the girls got too hot. Then he hiked back. "We're going to the hotel," he told the staring officer.
"You're going to the decontamination center the ER treating your girls has put up, sir. That way we can make sure it's not toxic snot that might hurt any of you. We can have the jackets dry cleaned and our weapons people would like to look at your specialty shells anyway." He led him off by the arm. The guy yawned but he'd expect that. "How did you learn to do that?"
"Practice. You just handle it as it comes. I started hunting vampires and it moved on from there." He shrugged. "You just kinda go 'okay' and then figure it out."
"That's a good thing, I guess. Makes sense." Xander smirked a tiny bit.
"Xander, your dad's here, you might wanna run," one of the girls called when they got to the ER.
"He'll make me shop some more if I do," he called back. "Do we have goo remover?"
"Yes," Tommy said, handing over the bottle. "Since you're the only guy here. They have two female officers and Penny with them." Xander grinned. "Don't hug me until you're clean? I don't think my dry cleaner can get that out."
"That's why I wear stuff I can burn if I have to," Xander quipped. "I save the good clothes for other things."
Tommy looked at him then nodded. "We can probably do that."
"I like my outfit and my mother bought it for me," a female yelled.
"We can try some of Joyce's laundry secret stuff," Xander called back. "It'll hopefully work." The girls all cheered. "Put it into a bag so we can bring it back to Cleveland, ladies."
"Yes, Xander," got called by all of them.
Xander stepped under the water and stripped off his clothes, letting them puddle around him to get rinsed off at the very least. Then he started to scrub with the goo remover. The stuff bubbled up but it killed the snot sticking to him. He rinsed out his clothes with it too. They got put into the plastic bag Tommy had and he got handed a robe. "Hmm, not the most manly fashion statement ever." Penny came over to get the goo remover and help the girl rinse out their clothes.
"Injury check," Tommy said. He walked him that way so he couldn't avoid it. "I liked the sword up the nose thing."
"I thought it might help. Definitely made him mad." The girls all laughed at that. They settled in to get checked over, stitches done, and then got taken back to the hotel to put on real clothes. They had warned the locals there was going to be a problem and what they knew of it. The local PD hadn't wanted to believe. They probably did now. So no reports needed. Xander flopped down and went to sleep, waking up to someone climbing in with him. "Which ex are you?" he mumbled.
"None of them," Buckaroo said. "I'm looking at the bleeding spot on your shoulder."
"Oops. Probably broke the stitch where that sword got sneezed onto me."
"Probably, yup." He checked it then bandaged it for him. "You awake?"
"Nope."
"Want breakfast?" Xander hid his head under the pillow. "Sure, we'll get you up in an hour."
"Make it three or an hour and get me an ex?"
"We drove off your ex. Again." He got off the bed and left him alone, shaking his head at Tommy's fond look. "He said to give him three hours or an ex after an hour."
"I don't like most of his ex's. They're not good enough for him. I ordered room service."
"Thanks. The girls?"
"They're good. They're all happy and babbling at Faith in their suite. They gathered for breakfast together to keep the girls away from the press. So far everyone's blurred out any faces in the coverage." Buckaroo nodded. Xander came stumbling out to glare at him. "Coffee?"
"Girls?"
"Their suites. Having breakfast. Want to eat with us and then go back to sleep?"
"Then I'd need an ex and you keep running them all off."
"They're not good enough for you."
"They're nice to me. And sometimes useful to the slayers."
Tommy shrugged. "Find a polite one that'll settle down with you, Xander, not just random lovers. It's worse than when I used to have groupies."
"I think you still have groupies, Dad. One climbed in your window last week."
"Well, yeah," he admitted with a grin. "Mrs. Johnson was not amused when she spotted her either."
Xander went back to bed but the food smells brought him back to the table. He ate and went back to sleep until one of his ex's managed to sneak past his father and the two guards on the hallway.
Tommy, Buckaroo, and Faith all paused when they heard the whoop of pleasure from Xander's room. "Melissa," she said with a wave. "CIA. Wants to help us torture demons sometimes."
"One of these days I'm going to have to help my son settle down," Tommy said.
"You haven't," Buckaroo reminded him.
"I have higher standards, which is what usually drives my girlfriends nuts, and he can learn from your example. He has other things he learned from you."
"I'm kind of proud of the kid," Buckaroo said with a smile. "He's not a bad stepkid."
"Maybe you two should, you know, do the joint adoption thing," Faith quipped, walking off. "Don't tell Melissa you want a shotgun wedding, she'll bring her own gun." The slayers all giggled at that. "Just Melissa so far." They cooed and went to interrupt them once the noise stopped. Melissa hated the girls being girls and pouncing her. So she fled from them. Xander's other ex's could take up the slack.
"Why don't you girls tell us about some of the ex's and how you handle them so we can weed out the ones that won't help Xander help you?" Buckaroo suggested. They led him to their sitting room to tell him about them. He made a nice list and rated them by how dangerous they were, how nice they were to the slayers, and how many warrants they had out for their arrests.
***
Tommy sat down next to his son on the plane back to Cleveland and then New Jersey. "Wow," he said. Xander looked at him. "Your ex's waiting on you."
Xander shrugged. "They didn't get to sneak in."
Tommy hugged his son. "We'll find you someone nicely dangerous who I'll learn to like."
"We mostly like Stacey," Faith said. "But she's a bitch."
Tommy looked at her. "Does she have a tail?"
"She's the alpha huntress for her pack of new amazons," Buckaroo said, handing over the background check the guys had done on his list from the girls. It had sent the whole security team out to the bar.
"Stacey wants to make me the stay-at-home wife because she has to be tougher than her spouse," Xander said. "Otherwise, I like Stacey. Though she does want daughters for the tribe. I thought about going semi-permanent with Josephine but she said she doesn't date that way." That background check was handed over. Xander could hear a tiny little whimpering noise coming from his father. "She was good to me and the girls."
Tommy looked at him. "She would've ended up killing you for her job."
"Maybe. She got caught up in this whole nuclear bomb thing a few years back in Qatar so she's had to sneak out of jail."
"There's always Jolesa," Faith quipped. "Speaking of jaibirds." She rolled her eyes.
Tommy took that report then looked at Faith. "No. Just...no." He put it aside with the others. "Any others that might become permanent fixtures?"
"Most of the others are run throughs or boyfriends that you probably would hate."
"I don't care if you're dating guys, Xander. I just want them to be good to you and the girls."
"I thought he was flirting with the tall, other doctor guy," one of the other girls said.
"That's New Jersey and no, he's not flirting with him," Buckaroo said. "We wouldn't mind but New Jersey has a girlfriend." The slayer sighed. "When Xander was little, he used to climb up him to get piggy back rides or steal the lollipops in the infirmary."
"He was trying to teach me anatomy there for a while," Xander said.
Tommy hugged him. "If you wanted to become a doctor, we'd like that too."
"He's already better at stitching than half the residents I've seen over the years," Buckaroo said dryly. "New Jersey said if he caught you doing stitches when there was a decent ER available he'd be paddling you, Xander. Until you got the MD, he's going to yell about that." Xander huffed but nodded. "So will I." He smiled. "So go for the MD."
"I hate book classes."
"It's ten of them you can't pass the test on and then years and years of hands-on learning," Buckaroo said. "You don't even have to become a neurologist like we are. We won't mind." Xander stared at him. "It's a good career."
"Which would keep him from training the minis," Faith quipped.
"What happens if he runs out of minis?" Buckaroo asked. "Buffy said she didn't think there's any potentials being born right now."
"We have two," Xander said. "The coven looked." He looked at his 'stepmom'. "If I get too injured and can't train or back them up for emergencies, then talk me into medical school."
"I can do that," he promised. "He also said he'd try to talk you up to a few of the new residents, so maybe you could date someone nice."
"Nice people don't like me like that," Xander said.
"I like you," Tommy said with a grin.
"Still not sleeping with you, Dad, no matter how many reporters wonder." Tommy gave his head a nudge. The plane shuddered. Xander looked up. "If you try to do to us like they did on that show _Lost_ remember all I have to do is meditate and I can come up there in a dream walk to kick your asses," he said casually. Suddenly there was no turbulence. Xander grinned. "They like it when I've had caffeine too."
"A wise man once said 'do not screw around with the crazy ones'," Buckaroo quipped.
Xander blew a kiss. "You say some of the sweetest things."
Faith stood up to look at him. "Don't make me knock you out." He patted her on the hand. She looked at Tommy. "Even back in high school, none of the nice ones liked him. Not me, not Cordelia, not any of the ones who liked him were nice." Xander nodded. "Did they hear about the teacher and stuff?"
"Probably," Xander said. Both 'adults' nodded. "See?"
"We'd love for you to have someone decent that the girls could look up to. Instead they've made plans to kidnap your dad for prom." She sat back down.
"I'll gladly give advice but I know nothing about women's fashion," Tommy said. "Even formalwear."
"They're not picky but they have to be able to hide at least a stake," Faith said.
"I've got a knife holster for my thigh," one of the girls in the back quipped. "I'll lend it to one of them for the night."
"I have a bra one they can bum," another of the girls said. "It comes in real handy during club hunts." Both 'adults' looked back at her. "What? Vamps eat there because of all the dumb things you do while drunk." She shrugged but grinned. "Xander, I need a new clip for my bra holster."
"Got one at the house."
"Thanks."
"Welcome." He looked back. "Just need the clip?" She nodded. "Okay. Send it to me and I'll fix it." She tossed it to him from her bag. He looked it over. "You did loosen that a lot. Not that hard to fix." He tucked it into his bag. "I'll send it back within a week."
"Thank you."
"Never a problem," he quipped.
His father looked at him. "You could take classes on leather working."
"I could but I did learn some from some of the native moms." He smiled. "I made Faith one of her favorite things for Yule a few years back."
"I still love that thing," Faith agreed, grinning at her puzzle book. "It makes me look more than smokin' hot."
The girls all got to talking about fashion, pulling Tommy back to help them. They only came to Xander about clubbing clothes. Buckaroo didn't seem to be the fashionable sort so they wouldn't ask him. It was good they had a nice role model.
Even if they did prompt Nessie into going to the compound and getting up on a table during dinner that night to note that Xander needed a boy or girlfriend really badly and at least they were all decent, dangerous sorts so if anyone wanted him, they'd like that. Then she ran off before anyone could catch her.
This is what Xander's family was *really* like and the guys kind of liked him like this.
The End.
The Imperfect Son.