By two days later, everyone on the team had read the book and binged the tv show. Well, Stark had his AI read it to him while he tinkered on his suit and thought, but he was like that. They had a group meeting to figure out how to encourage Xander toward more normal things. Before he turned into the first pediatric arms dealer. They also talked about how he'd manage his other poker debts if they showed up. They didn't want to know what he'd do with a sudden harem. Pepper had helped with the meeting, she had some good ideas about how to get around his distaste for regular schoolwork too. Then she and Wilhelmina had taken the baby shopping. He had whined the whole time but yay.
They came back with barely anything. They were both exhausted. Natasha took her son. "Why did you not like the store?"
"It's past life trauma," Wilhelmina quipped. "He saw shoes and had an absolute meltdown. Then he spotted a little girl bikini and nearly had seizures to get away from it." She handed over the bags. "That's all we've found."
"Most guys hate shopping," Clint said. He took the baby, who tried to hide under his t-shirt to get away from the clothes. "I know." He patted him on the back, letting him hide. He looked down. "No biting or sucking on anything, kid." He patted him on the back, letting the baby calm down. "Most guys can fill their entire wardrobes in under twenty minutes," he told the ladies.
"We were only in there for thirty," Pepper said. "He wouldn't let us try anything on him to make sure it fit. He would not quit screaming."
"I can take him to do rich guy shopping," Tony quipped, not looking up from his tablet. "Or we can order and they mystically appear in his dresser."
"We might have to," Natasha said. "I'm not fond of shopping myself." She reached over but the baby pulled Clint's chest hair to keep her from taking him. Clint was wincing. "Sorry," she said, relaxing again. "Hand him back when he's ready."
"Sure, though you might have all my chest hair." He reached up to undo the tight fist, making Alex make whining noises at him. "I know. You can nap on me without pulling the hair. I'll protect you from the mall, Alex. Just let go." He winced and moved the baby. "No sucking. I'm not a bottle." He tucked his shirt down so his nipples were covered. Alex sucked on his thumb instead so Clint relaxed. He pulled his t-shirt off and let Alex stare up at him. "Good boys get underneath cuddles. You keep sucking and I'm not that sort of guy, kiddo." He patted him on the back, putting his feet up. Alex sighed and peed but went limp. "Wow, you didn't even overflow the diaper. Are you sick?"
Wilhelmina considered it then looked at Pepper. "We haven't changed him since we went out an hour ago."
"We haven't. Is he still peeing that much?"
"Mostly." She took him to change, undoing the attempted grab of chest hair. "Let's change you." Alex whined. "We'll see, baby. C'mon." She walked him off. "Want us to just order you some jeans?" She took him to his room to change and came out with him in just a diaper. "He's got a UTI." Clint winced. "So we need cranberry juice!" Alex groaned, reaching for Clint. He took him back while she went to make a bottle of juice. Bruce liked cranberry juice so they had some concentrate in the freezer. The baby pouted but drank it for Clint.
Steve and James came off the elevator. "That bad?" James asked.
"He had a past life meltdown in the stores," Pepper said. "He's got a UTI."
"Ow. Poor little guy," James said. "Want me?" The baby patted Clint's chest, staring at him. "Okay, tell me if you want me." He sat down with Natasha. "How much more shopping does he need?"
"At least another few outfits. He's only got ten."
"That's more than a week's worth," Steve said.
Wilhelmina stared at him for a second then patted him on the cheek with a grin. "He goes through three or four a day thanks to drool, peeing, and sometimes throwing up on himself. Babies do that." She walked off. "Let me hit the store for some stuff for him for dinner. I can make cranberry sauce for him." They all nodded, watching her go.
"He does?" Steve asked Natasha.
"I've seen him go through more than that in one day," Pepper said. "Yesterday he went through six outfits." Steve groaned, shaking his head. "Since he's just grown a few inches, all his old stuff doesn't fit."
"We can do it online," Clint said with a grin for her. "We'll teach him how to shop like a guy when he's a bit older." She smiled and left them to do that.
Stark looked over. "What size?"
Natasha looked in the bag. "They're all eighteen months, though he's not that old." She looked at her son. "Let's try one on you?" He fussed. "Just a t-shirt?" She held one up. It had a cat on it.
"Why did they get him that?" James asked, sounding tired. "It looks like a girl shirt." The baby grabbed it and hugged it. "Oh, that reason." He nodded once. "Sure. You can wear kitty cats until you're old enough to be a guy."
Natasha put that t-shirt on him, looking at it. "It's about a size too large but that may be helpful with how children grow."
"Eighteen months I can find," Stark said, tapping that option. She took the shirt off him and put it back into the bag before it got permanently stained. Clint put his t-shirt on the baby, making him grin and suck his juice until he fell asleep. "I'll find Barton a few t-shirts too, just in case," Stark quipped, adding that. "That's not to bad. Baby clothes are less expensive than adult guy clothes. Ten outfits?"
"Should be more than enough," Natasha said. "I hope."
"That's not that large. That's only two hundred." She came over to take the tablet to pay for it. It was her child after all.
James looked at Steve then at her. "I'll put some of my money into an account for him. We'll make him a joint one for expenses."
"That would be reasonable," she agreed, handing the tablet back. "Clint, you owe me twenty."
"Take it from my wallet," he said, shifting so she could grab it. She took out twenty dollars then slid it back into his pocket for him. The baby didn't wake up at all. Wilhelmina came out of the elevator with Bruce. "Hey, Doc."
"I heard he's got a UTI."
"I warned him we had stolen his juice," Wilhelmina said with a smile for the napping baby. "You're good."
"He's tired." He let Bruce take him to look at his diaper area. "Is that a diaper rash?"
"No," Bruce said. "He's been a bit red with all the peeing he's doing." He got up to get some creme to put on it then redid the diaper. The baby yawned and shifted, curling up against his father's thigh. James just handed him back the bottle with a pat on the head. "Let's use the creme again, Wilhelmina, and let's push juice for a few days." She nodded. "He can probably cut down to one bottle of formula a day." She nodded again. "You think he'd eat cranberry sauce?"
"It's slimy and looks like baby food." She smiled. "I did get one that was a bit sweetened. I'm not sure if he likes sour or not yet." She went into the kitchen, coming out with a dish. "Hey, Alex, hungry?" He mumbled something and stayed asleep, kneading his father's leg. "Sure, I can wait until you get up." It wouldn't take too long with that behavior going on.
They all watched him wake up and her feed him the cranberry sauce. He didn't like it very much but he ate it for her and Mommy asking him to. He kept looking at his uncles to save him but they just smiled at him.
***
"Alex!" Wilhelmina was yelling the next morning. It woke everyone up. "Where are you!"
The AI cleared his throat. "He's learned how to run I'm afraid. He wanted to pet his toys. He carried his ear down there in his mouth while dragging the sword behind him."
She looked up. "He's not supposed to be in there without supervision, JARVIS."
"That's why I woke you."
"Thank you," she sighed, pulling her bathrobe around her to do up on her way down there. She blinked as she walked in. He was naked, covered in things that she wasn't aware they had. "Lesser poker debt?" she guessed.
"Something that looked like a goblin in a movie showed up," the AI said quietly.
She nodded. "It was probably a goblin." She sighed. "Take pictures for his parents and uncles?"
"I have and there was a cuter one a minute ago." He put up a virtual screen to show that picture off. "I'm printing it off in the living room."
"Thank you." She rubbed her forehead, staring at her napping, peeing little naked charge who was a bit too happy to be covered in weapons and gold chains.
Natasha came up behind her. "Oh dear," she sighed.
Wilhelmina looked at her. "You sound like Dr. Banner."
"Fortunately I have good control of my temper."
"JARVIS said he learned how to walk last night."
"Wonderful. I'm sure Clint will enjoy taking him to the park." She carefully moved in but something hissed at her. She had to back out, she only had a knife and she wasn't sure what that thing was or how it was killed.
"This is his mom," Wilhelmina told the little hissing lizard. "Shoo. Now." It curled up on Xander's butt and stared at them. It hissed when they shifted.
"James, are you or Clint more accurate with tiny targets?" she asked quietly without turning her head.
"Me. I have a finer weapon." He looked over their shoulder. "What is it?"
"Deadly and it loves your son," Wilhelmina quipped, getting out of the way. "I can try to wake him."
"The lizard might bite him," Natasha said. James' hand laser came up and he hit the lizard, making it fade out. "That helped." She walked in and the lizard came back.
Clint looked around the doorframe then pointed. "Pokeball." She shot him a dirty look but picked it up and pointed it at the lizard. It disappeared back into it. She sighed in displeasure. "What else did they pay him off with?"
"I see gold chainmail," Natasha said, shaking her head. "I see a few thicker gold chains."
"I didn't know he rapped," Stark said, leaning between James and Clint to look. "Huh. I didn't know babies got that happy."
"Don't remind me," Natasha said. "It looks like he may have peed on the modular launching system."
"Poor weapon," Clint quipped. "Hey, Alex?" he called quietly. The baby snuffled and turned his head. He pulled up his thumb, which had gold chain wrapped around it, to suck on. Natasha carefully removed the chain, waking him up. Alex blinked at her, grinning and holding up his hands. "Morning, little guy. Did you find new friends?" Stark hit him on the arm. "They are."
"I can tell." He came in to look at the poor weapon. "There was silk between them but it's soaked." He looked at the baby. "Why are you naked?" He giggled, cuddling his mother around the neck, patting his damp hand against her chest. "Yup, you got her. You're good to her, Alex." He patted him on the back. "Let mom clean you up while we clean up where you peed." Alex blinked at his mom, who smiled as she walked him off. "I need a trash bag so we can try to get this cleaned." Clint got him some and came in to help him clean up the baby mess. Two layers of woven tapestry silk. The whole weapon and puddling in the bottom of the case. "He pees way too much." Stark took the weapon to clean up so they could store it better. Clint got the rest of the clean up.
***
Bruce woke up in the lab to the sound of a squeal and an agent calling for Alex. "Hi," he said, blinking at the little guy that had woken him. "Shouldn't you be wearing pants?" He picked him up to look at him. "Why aren't you wearing pants?"
"He escaped while we were getting him dressed," Agent Coulson said as he came in with a pair of pants and a pair of shoes. "Let's put these on. Bruce would like to see you dressed." Alex giggled, but let them dress him. Then he wiggled down and ran off again. "Are we sure he's not Clint's?" Coulson asked the scientist.
"Not according to the DNA so it's got to be from osmosis."
"Great." He followed the baby back to his new 'friends'. "Be a good boy, Alex." Clint looked up with a grin, patting his lap. The baby crawled into it and patted what he was looking over. "Clint?" he asked quietly.
"I got 'im."
"Thank you. I chased him down to get him dressed." He went to get a drink of water and come back to help with the inventory.
Clint looked at the baby. "Were you running from Uncle Phil? You're so silly sometimes. He's the one that tells stories." The baby grunted, crawling over to pet the demon hand he found. "No, you can't suck on that thumb. It'll make you sick," he said, pulling him back over. "Here, help me with this. We'll look over your new guns." The baby petted it with a coo, leaning over to cuddle it. "That's a good boy but let me unload it first." He did that and handed it back. He had what he needed to put it onto the list.
Wilhelmina walked in, clapping her hands. "Park time, Alex." He stared at her, eyes wide. "Want to go run around the trees?" He grinned, holding up the gun. "No, you have to leave that here. We'll go see the trees then you can come back to this." She plucked him up and walked him off. "The trees will be very happy that you learned to run. That way you can pee on other trees." He grinned and peed. "Thank you very much, dear." She went to change him, including a new outfit. Fortunately the new clothes were in.
She put him into his stroller, zipping the cover so he couldn't get out. They walked outside, taking him to the park. As soon as she stepped outside, the hellhound in the building appeared. "No, you go back to your human. I've got him. Your master needs you." The dog barked quietly and went back to his master. A new one appeared and sniffed at Alex, trotting beside her. "Be a good dog while we're in the park," Wilhelmina ordered quietly. It bayed but was a happy dog. Alex was cooing at her. The normals walking up the street stared but yay.
They got into the park and the puppy ran ahead. They found where it was waiting and it was near a playground so Wilhelmina gave in, unzipping the cover and letting Alex out. She stared at him. "Stay near me." She put Alex onto the grass. He got up and toddled off to pat the trees. The dog followed. That was nice of it. She watched him wander in the small area, getting up to grab him if he went too far away. He grinned and ran toward the playground he had spotted. It was a bigger kid playground but he had fun with the sandpit. "Sure," Wilhelmina agreed. The dog sat beside the playground, staring at him. Alex cooed and offered the dog some sand but it didn't want sand. It lapped him instead.
Wilhelmina stared at the woman who had just splashed her with holy water. "I'm a protection sort, not one of those," she said bluntly. "Aren't you a stupid bitch, Hill." She got up and faced her, pulling out her phone. She dialed. "Got a problem at the park." She hung up and checked the kid. "Dog, guard him. Do not let anyone who's not family touch him." It barked and curled up around Alex's waist. She looked at the agent again. "You wanted something?"
"I don't think the child needs something like you," she said bluntly.
"And yet, I'm the one protecting him. Especially from his last life." She stared at her. "I don't think you're the parent so you don't really get a say in the matter." Clint came jogging over. "Clint."
"Hey. Hill, leave the nanny alone. She's protected Alex even beyond what we could. It's her job to protect him." He looked over. "Thank you, dog." He looked at her again. "I doubt you have anything to say about the kid considering you tried to get him into a lab to experiment on. Wilhelmina, take him home."
"Going." She grabbed the baby and the diaper bag, carrying Alex off while pushing the stroller. The dog followed. When two agents got into her way the dog attacked one. The agent shot at it but that didn't really work on hellhounds. It just made them mad.
"Off!" Coulson ordered. The dog barked and growled at him. "Now, dog. Thank you. Good boy to protect Alex." He patted him on the head. "Go with Wilhelmina, guard the baby." It barked and ran after her. He looked at the staring agents. "I'll be damned if you touch that baby again," he said bluntly. They both backed away from him. "I don't believe SHIELD has an interest in a baby." He walked around them. "Hill, what are you doing?"
"We're worried about the amount of ...unusual beings near the child."
"Still not yours," Clint said bluntly. "So fly off on your broomstick."
"You're not biologically related," she noted coolly.
"Yeah, but I'm an uncle," he said with a smirk. "And I'll finish taking down SHIELD over the kid." Coulson patted him on the arm so he calmed himself down. "Natasha," he said, nodding at her. Hill nearly flinched. "Did you borrow one of the poker debts?"
"I did not need it. If I do, then we will have to replay that last fight against them." She stared at Hill coldly. "Leave my child be. You have no need to concern yourself with him." She looked at the two agents, smirking some. "Is the bite from that hellhound bitch? She's in heat so you may need to have that treated before it infects." He shuddered. "It will need to be rinsed of sulphur especially." She looked at Hill again. "The last I knew, you were not even associated with the child in a babysitting role."
"You let that thing watch him?"
"She has been very protective of him. That's her job since that's her role in life." She smirked a tiny bit. "She also finished healing someone's memories." Hill flinched when she noticed who was sneaking up on her other side. "Clint and Coulson are both excellent uncles and will straighten my son out from his last life, plus protect them if something should happen to me. As will his father. You...were not asked for assistance." She walked off. "Let me go get the drool off the son."
"You sure?" Clint asked, grinning at her back. Because that gave him permission to deal with this.
"No physical harm," Coulson ordered quietly. "Unless required. Barnes." He stared at him.
"I was just going to have a talk with my ex's former employer."
Fury stomped over. "What the fuck," he demanded coldly. "Hill, an explanation?"
"She decided to take it upon herself to complain about the nanny's other job," Clint said, staring at him. "We're not happy with that."
Fury stared at him, then at Coulson. "She called in a help code because Hill tried to splash her with something and tried to sneer while taking custody of the child," Coulson said. "We don't appreciate such things and Natasha has left it in our hands."
Fury looked at Barnes then at Coulson. "Hill, go back to my office and wait on me. That was outside your orders."
"That thing has to be warping him."
"By protecting him from people like you and handling all his past life madness?" James asked. "Really?" She shuddered, backing away from him. "Coulson, I know we're in a park. Can we take this somewhere else?"
"She's going to my office, Barnes, and you can talk to her the next time she shows up at the Tower," Fury noted. "Boys, base. Now. I've had more than fucking enough of this shit. We do not touch Romanoff's kid." One of them pointed at Barnes. "He's not being a baby daddy. I'm really happy that he's there for the kid before Barton warps him toward liking comic books," he said blandly.
"He doesn't really care about what sort of book it is but he already liked comic books, sir." He grinned at the agents. "Leave Barnes alone. We fixed him so Cap had him back and he's there for the kid. We appreciate him being there for the kid, even if the kid does drive him nuts sometimes."
"Only when he's babbling and peeing on me," James shot back.
"He'll be potty trained in a few years," Coulson said.
James stared. "Years?" he demanded.
"Probably about three years. His first birthday is in a few weeks," Clint realized. He looked at Coulson.
"We can get him new toys and clothes. He'll enjoy not having to shop."
"I guess," James said. "He's too young to remember it."
"Not the point," Fury told him. "First birthdays are special things that give you goofy pictures to show his future dates."
"In his last life, he dated assholes. I'm more likely to kill them on him," he said bluntly.
"Go for it," Clint said. "Just don't let him get attached first."
"I'd never do that. I'll start with a background check and let them have one last happy date with him. If they don't live up to at least what one of the Commandos was then they're goners." He smirked a tiny bit.
Clint nodded. "I can appreciate that. We can do it together."
"Means I get days off," James quipped. He looked at Hill, smirking a tiny bit. "We don't like threats to the kid. If I had to give up my last life to help protect him, so be it. I'll find a better set of targets." She stomped off.
Fury looked at him. "How healed did they make you?"
"They fixed the memory issue."
Fury nodded once. "We'd like a better debrief."
"Ask your pet handler. He did it for you." He strolled off. The two lesser agents made sure they were behind Coulson when he got near them. He smirked at them. "You have fun with that bite." He strolled off.
Clint smirked at them. "Won't save you. Remember, he's a sniper too." He looked at Coulson. "Let me pick up something for the munchkin to eat."
"Remember his UTI," Coulson said. Clint nodded, walking off. He looked at the two junior agents. "I wouldn't save you. I'm a godfather." He looked at Fury. "It will be stopped, sir?"
"It'd better be stopped. That nanny?"
"I submitted a report. Apparently she got into it."
"I'll find it when I get back." He looked at the two junior agents. "I could've sworn I gave you an order." They ran to their SUV. He shook his head. "When are you coming back? The stupid people are trying to take over again."
"When I'm in shape to. Right now, chasing after the baby is putting me out of breath." He walked off. "Have a better day, Nick."
"You too, Phil." He took a calming breath on his way to his SUV so he could go back to his office. He needed to deprogram Hill and make her sane again. He needed to hire Coulson a physical therapist so he could come back to work and all the stupid would be contained again. He had that way of staring at the stupid ones to make them reconsider their bad ideas.
***
Stark looked up as someone tapped on his office door, staring at the young woman. "Do I know you?"
"I was told to come here and introduce myself to you, sir. I'm Agent Coulson's new physical therapist and Director Fury said I was to meet him after you so you knew I was not here as some sort of plot."
Stark stared at her then smirked a tiny bit. "He's only got plots and plans. I'd never believe that." She snorted, crossing her arms over his chest. "JARVIS, please get Coulson up here."
"I have told him, sir." The AI cleared his throat. "He's in the shower so it will be a moment, Miss Alters."
"That's fine, thank you," she said, looking around. Stark smirked more brightly. "It's a good security feature." She heard a squeal and looked up the hallway. "Thankfully you're not my client. I don't understand children or really like kids."
"He's just learned how to walk," Stark said. "Your new patient is one of his favorite story telling uncles."
"That's fine. All babies need stories. That's about all I know what to do with them. Though I think he needs changed." A robot zipped up the hall, chasing the running, giggling baby until he caught him. He carried the giggling one off to change, making him squeal in pleasure. "Um...wow."
"He really likes my diaper changing robot."
"Out of the hallway!" Pepper yelled at the robot. "The rest of us don't need to see him being changed!" The robot trundled off with him. She came to the door, staring at the new woman. "Stark, can you please change some of the robot's parameters? I did not need to watch him being changed."
"I can do that, Pepper."
"Thank you. And you are?" she asked with a smile.
"Melinda Alters. I'm here to do physical therapy with Agent Coulson." She shook her hand with a smile. "I don't understand kids or robots so I'll take my meeting with him wherever he wants." She nodded at the man coming off the elevator. "Agent Coulson?" she asked, looking over his metallic arm.
"No, the baby's father. Where is he now?" he sighed.
"Diaper changing robot went that way," Pepper said with a grin and a point.
"Great, that thing that's going to make him gay." He walked off. "Robot, he'd better be cleaned and dressed." It was putting him into his pants to hand over and run away from the parent. He looked at his son, shaking his head. His son was grinning happily. "Sometimes I think you dirty your diaper so you get changed by it. Wilhelmina's looking for you for lunch, kiddo." He carried him off under his arm. The baby cooed and patted his arm so he liked it. He met Coulson at the elevator. "Yours?" he asked with a point at her.
"I have no idea. Robot?" Bucky nodded, getting onto the elevator. "At least he likes being clean. Many boys don't."
"Probably true." He sighed as he pushed the button. He was running away that weekend, unless there was an emergency. Then he'd get some fun that way instead.
Phil walked over to Pepper. "Pepper, problems?"
"The diaper changing robot is a bit weird. It likes to change him in the middle of the hallway."
"At least all the water it sends out is easily cleaned up on the hallway's tile floors instead of soaking a carpet."
"Point but very a tiny one." She got out of his way. "Physical therapy?"
"I had no idea I was ready for that yet." He looked at her.
"Melinda Alters, sir. Director Fury sent me to evaluate your rehabilitation needs so you can start working your way back up."
"I'm still having some breathing problems. Did he check with my cardiologist?"
"Yes, sir. He approved you for light working out to keep up muscle tone and improve your breathing at the moment." She handed over the paperwork. "Where would you like to talk?"
"We can go to the gym. That way you know where it is." He led her up there. "How much did he share about what happened?"
"That you'd had a heart related health problem."
"I got stabbed through the heart," he said.
"Interesting. The wounds are obviously healed or you'd still be in bed."
"The stitches are just now all healed," he admitted, taking off his shirt so she could see the scars.
She touched one and nodded. "We can stick with breathing for right now and some light stretching so those don't tighten up on you." She stepped back with a smile. "How is your breathing?"
"Chasing the baby got me out of breath the other day. Before I was stabbed I could run a half marathon."
"That's good. We can work you back up toward that level." She settled in to go over what she could do with him and what he'd need to get someone to order. They usually took a doctor's prescription to get a few of them. He nodded, making notes. She went over the beginning of the breathing exercises, which made him cough. "That's normal. We can work from there." He nodded, getting back to it once he could breathe normally again. It was a lot of work he knew he needed to do. When Alex snuck in and climbed into his lap, giving them both a smug grin, he just hugged him and went back to his breathing exercise. It was good he had support.
James opened the door and snapped. "C'mon, Alex. You've escaped long enough."
"No!" he said with a cheery grin.
James snorted. "Won't work. C'mon or no diaper changing robot time." He pointed at the hall.
"He's fine," Coulson said.
"She's a lower level spook. I don't want her near the kid."
She smiled at him. "I don't really like kids and I have nothing for or against him. I'm only here to help this one agent get back into shape because SHIELD is going to implode since no one has sense."
James snorted. "That's been years in the making." He walked in and grabbed the baby, carrying him off. "We're going to look over your poker debts, kiddo. Want weapons time?" The baby squealed and patted him, babbling at him. "That's a great thing. We like that you like weapons." He kicked the door shut.
She frowned, looking at the door then at her patient, who shrugged. "Former life."
"That was the ...he looked familiar."
"He used to be the Winter Soldier. We fixed what they did to him."
She blinked a few times. "You trust him with the kid?"
"It's his son and we're all very interested uncles."
She nodded. "Wow, SHIELD does weird things. I knew it was weird, but damn!" She shook her head. "Let's try this kuzoo exercise." She handed him one. "Try one note for five seconds." He inhaled and tried it. He managed a note for a few seconds. "We'll work up to that." She got him back to his exercises.
***
James came out for dinner, pointing behind him. "Is the robot giving enemas now?"
"No," Wilhelmina said at the stove. She walked off to find her demented charge and his robot friend. "What the hell are you doing?" she demanded when she spotted him. The robot beeped frantically. "Give him here. Gently! Before you hurt him! STARK!" He came jogging in there and paused then came to help her get the kid from the robot. "I don't know what's wrong with it but it does not need to be a plug!"
"I'll check it over and fix that issue, Wilhelmina. He okay?"
She looked at his butt. "He's trying to crap, so that's probably why. Next time, hold him over the toilet and let him crap into it," she said, staring at the robot. It slumped and tried to hide behind Tony. "You have fun with him. At least the nozzle didn't go into him and it's tiny. It was just being a roadblock." She took him to let him crap over the toilet. He squealed and kicked but enjoyed it. "Thank you, dear. Next time, tell us. We'll fix it."
Tony leaned in. "He was out of water and had a clogged plug." She shot him a dirty look. "You're sure he's okay?"
"It was just blocking from the outside. If it had pushed in, you'd be handed parts."
"I would've done that myself," he assured her, taking the robot down to the lab to fix. It hadn't been a great solution but at least it had tried to problem solve. It just did it the wrong way and now he had creepy feelings about his robot.
Wilhelmina got the baby cleaned up and brought him out. Bruce took him when she walked in. "It was only blocking from the outside."
"Thankfully," Natasha said, taking her son from Bruce. "Is he all right?"
"He's fine. He was happy hovering over the toilet to crap instead." She went back to fixing the baby's dinner.
Clint stole the baby to cuddle, getting a hug and baby babble back. "You're a good boy and very loving. That's why the robot went pervy, because he loved you in the wrong way."
"We can destroy the robot, right?" James asked.
"If you want to change those diapers," Wilhelmina quipped with a grin for him. "He's learned to run away from me when he needs changed." James groaned, shaking his head. "I get three-quarters of them. The robot has to sneak and change him."
"I'm getting weird feelings about the robot," Clint said.
"I guess that's reasonable as I have them too," Natasha said. She looked at her son. "High chair?" He patted his uncle and grinned at her. "Yes, you have stolen him. You need in your high chair so you can eat." Clint took the bowl from Wilhelmina and fed him a bite. The bite didn't come back out. "High chair. He will learn manners."
"Even you eat on the couch now and then," Clint said, feeding the baby. "I've got it, Wilhelmina. Go have laundry time."
"I need to fold it. Thank you whoever took it out of the dryer for me." She walked off, letting them handle it.
Clint looked down at the grinning baby. "You're a good boy. You'll eat for me then we'll go watch stupid people on tv." The baby cooed, eating for him. "Good boy." He finished up the kid's food, grabbed his own plate, and they went to watch tv. Alex needed more guy time.
James looked at Natasha. "Can we avoid the robot from now on?"
"We can try but I doubt we'll manage it since he chased it down earlier." She dished up some food and handed on the bowl. "Coulson, how was your PT session?"
"Not bad. As a baseline, I'm doing better than she thought I should be. We have some building to do. She's thinking within six months I should be back at normal human standards, and another few months after that to work into agent shape."
"That's good," she said with a smile for him. "You do worry us."
"Yes, he does," Clint called from the living room.
"Thank you," he said, smiling back. "I'll get back up there. It'll be a while but I can work myself back into handler shape." She nodded, handing him the bowl of mixed vegetables. He took some for his plate and passed it to Steve.
Stark came back. "The robot is being reprogrammed to never do that again." Natasha smiled. "It's programmed to hold him over the toilet if he's actively going."
"So no more suction tube?" she asked, staring at him.
"It has one for emergency use. It will never get the sprayer that close again." She smiled and handed him some food. "Thank you for not dismantling it. The kid might be traumatized."
"Perhaps but we will be monitoring it."
"I'd rather change diapers," James said. Clint walked in and handed him the baby. He sniffed and grimaced. "Eww but fine." He got up to change him. "What is this!" he yelled a minute later.
"He's got some mild runs," Clint called, grinning at Natasha. She smirked back, hiding it as she bent down to get a bite of food. James came back out, handing him back the baby. Clint looked. "Well, he tried. Not too bad. We'll watch the diaper being too loose." James shot him a glare. "We can teach you how to do that better."
"Shut up," he said in Russian. Natasha was laughing. "It's not good."
"It's not that hard," she said. "I learned it off the youtube video that JARVIS popped up when he got dropped off. You learn you can tighten them to almost restricting since they have elastic."
"Great but still gross."
She smiled, handing over the bowl of vegetables. He grimaced but got more. "You did wash your hands?"
"I put on gloves. No amount of washing will get that out of the hinged parts," he said dryly. She smiled at him.
"There's been a few of the diapers I wanted full hazmat gear for," Steve said.
Alex came running in and pounced his father with a grin. "Dada!"
"Yup, I am." He looked down at him. "Already? Clint!"
"Changing my shirt," he called. "He's ready for medicine."
"I'll get him some," Wilhelmina said, coming out to get the baby to change and do that. "Gee, I have enough clothes for a full load, huh?" she asked him as she walked off.
James looked at her. "I like having a protective nanny."
"Me as well." She ate some of her dinner, then got up to grab the meat out of the oven since it was smelling done. That helped and made a more filling dinner. Which Clint came in to get some of too.
***
Stark walked down to Pepper's office after dinner, staring at her. "Working late?"
"We have that meeting tomorrow. I'm getting the last few things done." She put her keyboard aside. "You look upset. What's happened?"
He sat down across from her. "What do you think about me putting the kid into my will as my heir?"
She considered it. "I think it'd be fine but there'd be speculation. Are we considering that it'll happen soon?" He snorted, staring at her. "I know it could happen the next time you trip over Dum-E." He nodded. "Did you ask Natasha?"
"No. I won't be either."
"I don't think it'd be a bad idea since you don't have any natural heirs. If you want to add others, who might be more interested in the company at some later date, you can add them easily enough." She smiled. "I don't think it's a bad idea."
"Thanks."
"Welcome. Are you redoing it now?"
He nodded. "It's been five years since I updated it. Right now you, Rhodey, and Happy are my heirs." She smiled. "Thanks, Pepper." He got up and leaned over to kiss her on the cheek. "Go rest. You'll be exhausted tomorrow and they'll think you're weak."
"I'm heading home in another paragraph or so." He nodded, going back down to his lab. A tiny being appeared as soon as she shut off the computer, making her stare at it. She hoped it was a miniature whatever, not a child since it was wearing a Victorian suit and tie. "Can I help you?" she asked with a forced smile.
It held up two small books. "The others that one wrote. Our clan leader is very amused, Miss Potts, and hopes that he grows up more healthy this time, without all the cranky women around him. It always amuses us when the boy gets into things he has no idea about but manages to win somehow." She took the books. "We'll be getting you a classification set as well. That way you don't have to rely on the nanny. We know some day she'll be recalled and someone will have to know." It bowed and disappeared.
She looked at the books, which were now normal human sized. "Tony!" she called. He came jogging in. "He wrote two other ones." She handed them over. "We're also getting a classification set so we don't have to rely on Wilhelmina since she'll be recalled some day."
He looked at them then at her. "That's good to know. You okay?"
"It was very polite. Very pretty Victorian suit. Bowed before leaving. Very well spoken."
He nodded, helping her up. "We can tell the others then you can go soak. I know you don't deal with strange things very well."
She smiled, patting him on the cheek. "Thank you." He nodded, taking her up to the living room. He turned off the tv. "We have new books the kid wrote. We're getting a classification set."
Wilhelmina leaned out of the hallway. "I can't be recalled until he's past that prophesied sacrifice."
"Any idea who they were?" Stark asked.
"They're a warrior clan. They're pretty nice, don't play poker, are fairly uptight at times, and think humans kissing is obscene and anything more than that should only be done in the dark." She smiled. "They're decent people to know but they tend to watch humanity like it's a play being put on for them." She went back to Alex's room. "They found your old books. I wonder if they found the one you had been working on." She checked his butt then smiled and sat down to wait on him to crap again. The medicine hadn't worked yet.
Stark shook his head, looking at the books. "Demon Goo and How To Use It Against Your Dates. I'm hoping that's supposed to be funny." He flipped it open. "No, it starts with 'if you date like I date, sometimes you need to immobilize them to save yourself'." He handed that to Clint and looked at the other one. "Offensive Battle Strategies For Slayers." He flipped through it. "It's in cartoon format."
"Slayers are multi-national," Steve said. "They might not all read English." He took it to look at. "It's probably to train the girls in elementary battle tactics for bigger fights." He paused at one, staring at it. "This one's got variations depending on how many open graves there are but it's about one specific demon being released with the option of using it for others that are trapped in tombs. We need to make sure it's not here." He kept flipping.
James took it next, nodding as he flipped through it. "Easier to understand than a general pointing at a board that's got the wrong map on it." Steve nodded. "Not bad for training."
"We can use it to train him," Clint said. He took the first book back from Natasha, who had stolen it, to flip through. "Hmm. Two of the parts down there lead to a paralytic dart."
"You're all forbidden to test any demon parts if they might destroy another street or subway tunnel," Pepper said.
"No, this is all brewing it down and coating darts and things," Clint said, flipping again. "I'm not this mean usually." He handed it to James. "Just in case you have the same draw for evil and dangerous ones that the kid has." Natasha hit him on the arm. "Ow!"
"You need that more than him."
"Doubt that," Steve quipped, taking it to look at. He frowned at one. "Why would you need to know about an anti-inhibitant?" He looked up. "Those are illegal, right? Wilhelmina!" She came out to stare at him. He held it up. "Why did he write this one down?"
"He had a cult that wanted him. It broke their drugs that they took. It also broke conditioning down easier." She smiled. "Only Anya would've played with that then complained about sprained vaginas and the like." She looked at the other book. "He was working on a self-defense strategies book." She walked off.
"I want to look over that recipe for the anti-inhibitant," Coulson said. "We use something similar but it tends to be more hallucinogenic." The book was passed to him. He looked the section over, nodding. "That may work better. Do we have the parts to try this?" he asked Stark. Who shook his head. "Can we find a way to gather them?"
"Learn to play kitten poker," James said. "It seems to have helped the son." Wilhelmina carried him out in just a diaper, handing him Alex on her way to the kitchen. "Did you get messy again?" he asked him. The baby made complaining noises and tried to crawl into his shirt. "No, you can't do that." Clint stole him and let the kid up under his. Alex made purring noises and shifted to cuddle better. When Wilhelmina came back with a bottle of pedialyte, he let the baby have it and he was happy with that. He could nap and drink and cuddle, he was that talented. James looked at him. "Should we be letting him do that?"
"Not like he's going to realize anything about my chest, Barnes," Clint said, staring at him. "He knows what nipples are already, he tried to latch onto most of us." Natasha nodded. "Besides, he feels better when he's covered up this way. It's his comfy hiding spot."
"Some kids do, the same as some kids like swaddled," Wilhelmina said. "It's dark, warm, and a comforting body. All kids need love." She looked over Phil's shoulder, flipping a page. "Try that one. All but the serum is mostly readily available. That one's tougher to find but you can buy it on the black market or make your own. The formula's in the back." She patted him on the injured shoulder, testing it. "Not bad. I don't usually heal but I did okay." She smiled. "I can't teach you how to play kitten poker. I suck at it."
"We can find out," Stark said. "Thank you."
"Welcome. Clint, want me to take him?"
"He's good for now. I'll put him down in a few."
"Okay. That's three-quarters pedialyte to cold water because his runs are becoming epic even with the medicine." She left him alone.
Bruce looked over at the lump. "That's not a bad idea. We can check on that in the morning." Clint nodded, looking down his shirt's neckhole at the baby then patting him on the back. The baby belched but didn't spit up anything and went back to drinking. "Nice."
"Nothing came out." He grinned. "He likes me sometimes."
"You're his favorite uncle," Natasha said. "He searches you out more than he does us." Clint grinned at her.
James shook his head. "My kid's a bit weird," he told Steve.
"We're all a bit weird. Even before the serum and all that, you and I were considered weird by most everyone."
"Good point," he said, considering that. "Plus we put on uniforms and go out to handle bad people." He nodded. "Yeah, I guess we can be weird to some."
"Probably," Natasha agreed.
Clint got up carefully, taking the baby to put down. He came out wiping off his chest. "He's napping." He flopped back down to take the chemical book to look through again. The others slowly wandered off to bed. He looked back when he heard a stumbling noise, grinning at the baby. Alex was heading for his dad so that was okay. He'd be okay with James for the night.
***
James woke up to an odd sensation. Someone was petting his metal arm, which was cupped to hold something small, and his chest was a bit sore. He blinked down. "You're not fed that way," he complained. The baby fussed and moved until he found the nipple again. "Not yours," he said, pulling him off. The baby screamed so he let him go. "Sorry!"
Natasha came in with a gun in hand. "What happened?"
"He thought I was the bottle fairy," he complained. Alex was still fussing.
"It's comforting to him." She picked him up, making him fuss into her neck when he snuggled in. "He's sorry he scared you, Alex." She walked him off. "We'll change you and have a bath, then go eat breakfast. You don't need to suck on your father." Alex pouted at her. "I know." She got him out of his diaper and cleaned up, then into the bathroom. He tried to escape but she closed the door. He patted it with a pouty face. "We will bathe. Come here, Alex." She pulled him back and put him into the tub. The baby squealed and tried to get up. She tested it. "JARVIS, is the hot water off?" she complained, pulling him out. "You're just having a bad day, aren't you?" she asked the baby.
The AI hummed. "The burner's out. You may want to teach him to sit on the toilet." She looked down at the butt then put him onto the toilet so he could crap. "I'll have someone turn on the burner. For now, use the heating attachment, Agent Romanoff."
She reached over to flip it on. It did heat the water slowly and when it was warm, JARVIS reran the tub. Alex was happily peeing in the toilet so she let him for as long as he wanted. Then she wiped him down and back into the tub. He grinned, patting the water. "There," she said with a smile back. "We will bathe you and then you can go play." He patted the water, grinning at her. "Yes, you like to bathe. You get that from me." She washed his hair. He tried to stand up but she put him back down. "Sit, Alex. Be a good boy." He kept trying to get up. "JARVIS, can I have Clint please?"
"He's not in the tower but should be on the way back from buying bagels. Alex, let your mother wash you," he said. "You might want to turn off the warmer." She flipped it off. Alex wanted to play. They didn't have any baby toys that could be used in the tub. She added some soap and turned on the jets to make it bubble up. That got an awesome squeal of joy and a lot of patting them. The baby adored that and he liked the moving water too.
Clint walked in taking off his jacket. "What's up? Oh, someone got bubbles."
"I needed an extra set of hands. He's wiggly."
"Little guys like that." He knelt beside her to do the washing stuff with her.
Alex stared up at him. "Dada?"
"No, I'm Uncle Clint, not Daddy. You know that, silly." He grinned.
Alex stared at him then hugged him. "Dada." He grinned at his mom. "Dada."
"He makes a good one but he's still Uncle Clint."
The baby hugged Clint. "Me?"
"Yes, yours. He's your uncle." She smiled. "You are very bright. Let's finish the bath?" She turned off the jet setting. He pouted but let them finish cleaning him up. He went back onto the toilet since he wanted to pee again. "Thank you," she said. Clint got her what she'd need to dress him. She did that and he was happy to toddle out to the kitchen when she released him. She drained and rinsed out the tub then took her own shower.
Clint looked down when something grabbed his leg. "Watching me make toast?" He picked him up, putting him into his highchair. "There, now you can see." He went back to making himself toast, and the kid's oatmeal since Wilhelmina hadn't gotten up. He sat down to feed him. "Let's eat then Uncle Clint can eat while you wander around." He fed him and the baby was happy to eat for him. He didn't try to make a mess or spit it out. Then the baby got released. He leaned on Clint's leg until he picked him up to give him some toast to gnaw on. That made him happy. He waved when Tony stumbled in.
Tony blinked at them. "Morning, Barton and kid." He patted Alex on the head. "Be a good boy and let Uncle Tony have coffee."
"Toto." He grinned, wiggling to hug his arm when he sat down. "Toto."
"I am." He kissed him on the head. "You smell like your mom's shampoo. We need to get you some of your own so you smell like a guy." Clint grinned. "I'm sure baby shampoo doesn't smell like Head and Shoulders."
"No, not hardly." He looked at him. "Want to go play?" The baby patted him with a grin. "We'll let Uncle Tony wake up." He winked and took the baby to the living room. He got a few of the toys that Alex didn't realize he had because he nearly attacked them to play with. That meant Clint got to finish his toast. Alex got to crawl and pound and twirl and make noise. He was a happy baby this morning. The noise got Bruce up and he was grumpy but that happened with a baby in the house. Bruce grunted and nodded on his way to the coffee maker.
"Boo?" Alex asked, getting up to follow him and hug him.
Bruce smiled, patting him on the head. "Morning, Alex. Go back to playing so I can have coffee?" The baby ran back when Clint's foot nudged something that had bells. He didn't know he had bells.
"Noisy," James complained as he came out.
"He's a kid. All kid toys are noisy," Clint shot back. Alex smiled and held up a toy. He got another pat on the head. Alex pouted at him. "He's just grumpy and needs a few days off," he said, giving the baby a hug. "Play some more?" He nudged the ball with the bells again. Alex kicked it and had to chase it all over the living room.
Natasha came out dressed, watching her son. "We'll let you try soccer when you're older." He ran over to hug her, getting one back. "You're a good boy. Play some more then you can have breakfast." Clint waved his hand since he was drinking some of his coffee. "Thank you. Your uncle is very good for you today," she told the baby. Alex wiggled and ran to the thing that was making noise thanks to his uncle's other foot. She smirked at the noise from the activity center, going into the kitchen.
Steve came off the elevator. "Morning, Alex. Morning, Clint."
"Me!" Alex said with a grin and a wave.
"That's very smart, little guy." Alex went back to making noise, staring at him. "Great work. That's very good to like toys." He patted him. "Let me shower. I'm sweaty." He went to do that. Alex didn't try to follow.
Tony came out, staring at the activity center. "I need to get him one that tells him chemicals and components." He gave the pouting baby a cuddle then went down to his lab. There had to be non-noisy baby toys. Maybe Natasha could straighten out Barnes at the same time he was building better baby toys.
***
Steve watched James then looked at Phil Coulson that night. "Do you know anywhere quieter we can go for a weekend?" he asked quietly. James stared at him. "I could use some time in the woods. Something simpler without tv."
"Sounds nice," James admitted. "I could use some quiet." He stared at his kid. "You. Babble. A lot."
"He does, it means he's happy," Natasha said, handing the baby a teething cookie. He liked that and gummed on it. "I'm glad you're cutting more teeth, son. That means you can eat real food later on."
He patted her leg then crawled over to Bruce. He was reading. He wiggled his way between the two, staring at his uncle. "Boo!" he said with a grin.
"Sure, I'll read the scientific journal to you," he said, pulling him up into his lap so he could get back to his reading. He was happy with that and his teething biscuit that was making him drool.
Tony snorted, shaking his head. "There's more interesting journals, Bruce."
"I have them in the bedroom because most of them are deadly dull and stupid." He turned the page, going on with the story for the baby. That made him happy and he stared up at him when he stopped reading. "Sure, I can go on." He finished the journal with the baby's help. Then the baby crawled off to Natasha, who smiled at him when he patted her. He crawled on to Steve, who cuddled him. The baby cuddled back, slobbering on him. Then he crawled over his shoulder onto the back of the couch.
"No," Natasha said, taking him back to sit in her lap. He huffed and crawled off again. Clint let him into his lap but wouldn't let him onto the back of the couch. He did let him look over it. Then at the fake flowers on the table behind Natasha's head. That made him happy enough. He wiggled down, accidentally getting Clint on the dick, and ran to Tony.
"Sure, I can cuddle," he promised. "Just don't kick me like you did your uncle." The baby giggled, hugging him. He was staring at the light he could see. He patted it, staring at his uncle. "That's my arc reactor. You can't play with that. Sorry." The baby tried to get inside his shirt but he stopped him, putting him down. The baby fussed. "You're manipulative," he said with a smile. "I thought only girls were that way, kiddo." Bruce was trying not to laugh. "Did Pepper infect you with girlish things?" Bruce got up to walk off laughing. Alex stared at him then at Tony. "You can chase him. I'm sure he's going to pee." The baby crawled off, pulling himself up on Clint's leg, staring at him. He pulled him into his lap, going back to the tv show. The baby patted his chest then looked at Tony. "No, he doesn't have my arc reactor. That's very smart. Romanoff, your kid's a genius."
"He is very bright. We'll make sure we don't crush that in him." She patted her lap. The baby grinned and patted Clint, babbling at him. "Fine, you sit with your uncle."
Clint looked at the baby, shrugging some. "We like you being all cuddly." Alex spotted his toys and got down to go play with the noisy thing. Tony groaned and went to the lab to hide from the noise. James looked at Steve and they both disappeared to the gym. Clint grinned at Natasha. "He's good."
"He's very manipulative but that can be a good trait at times." Bruce came out to get onto the floor with Alex to play with him. That meant less noise but more squealing. Which probably irritated his father again but oh well. Babies were loud. It was as much of a universal rule as 'your gun will run out of bullets just as the last few people try to kill you'.
***
Alex came wandering in the next morning babbling happily, clearly escaping from Wilhelmina since he didn't have a shirt on. "Dada!" he squealed, making James flinch since he was half asleep. He looked down but the kid was trying to climb Clint.
"Wow, he's renamed you," he said dryly.
"Maybe because I spend time playing with him," he shot back. He put Alex in his lap. "I don't have any food yet, little guy. I'm still on coffee." Alex tried to grab the cup of interesting stuff. Clint held it so he could try some, smiling at his grossed out face. "Yeah, that's big people food, not little guy food. When you're older you can drink coffee. Okay?" He gulped the rest of that cup. "Wilhelmina, did he knock you down again?"
"Peed on me," she complained, coming up the hallway. "I had to clean up and change." She stared at the baby, holding up his shirt. "Want this one instead?" He turned his head and tried to burrow under Clint's shirt. She huffed. "I know you hate clothes shopping but if you don't put the shirt on, we'll make you go shopping again." She smiled in a cheery way. "Now, let's get dressed." She tried to grab him but he managed to get under Clint's bathrobe and his sleeveless t-shirt. Clint flinched. "Sorry, Clint. Didn't know you were ticklish."
"Barely." He took off his shirt and put it onto the baby. "There, how about that?"
"He looks like he's wearing a dress," James mumbled into his cup.
Alex scowled at him. "Baba!" He swatted at him. James went flying into the wall. "Ooooh." He frowned at his hand then at Wilhelmina.
"Don't look at me. You didn't have magic last life, Alex." She picked him up. "C'mon, we'll put warding marks on you so you can't do that again. Natasha, Steve, you need to come pull the father out of the wall. Alex just realized he has magic until I can block it off." Behind her, two of the baby's favorite toys were floating.
"I can see the magic," Bruce said, staring at them, then grinning and waving at the baby since he was. "Good job, Alex. We'll make sure you learn how to do that the right way." He went to look at James. "That's really strong."
"Yes, it is," Clint said. "He called his father bad for making fun of him too." He got up to get the rest of the coffee and make more. Stark came out scowling and took his cup. Clint took it back and sipped. "Mine, Stark. Yours is brewing specially for you." Tony glared at the pot until it gave up the good stuff. Then he turned to stare at the assassin in the wall. "Alex has magic. Barnes picked on him about wearing my t-shirt." He took a drink.
Steve walked in and stared. "Let's extract him." He took the metallic arm. Bruce took the regular one and they heaved him out of the wall, then down to the infirmary to check him over. He came back up a few minutes later. "We'll get James out of the tower for a few days. Maybe he'll be less grumpy."
"Hire him a hooker too," Clint said through a yawn. "Might help."
"Maybe," Tony agreed. "It helps my moods." He sipped his coffee and got up to empty that pot and make more. "What happened?" His AI put up film from that morning. "Huh. Yeah, there's gotta be a way to block that." Bruce walked in.
Wilhelmina walked in carrying the baby, still in Clint's t-shirt. "I've put marks on him to make sure he can't pull it up because he's frustrated. It'll stick around for about six weeks so for now he's okay." She handed him to Bruce, since he was trying to reach him. "Let me make him food."
Natasha came out, noticing the hole in the wall. She looked at Clint, who pointed at the baby. "His firing pets?" she guessed.
"Baby daddy. Alex didn't like being grumped at." He grinned.
Natasha looked at her son. "Interesting. I didn't know we knew magic, Alex." He babbled and waved at her but continued to hug his uncle. "Let's get you into the high chair."
"Give it a minute," Wilhelmina said. "He'll try to get free if it takes too long."
"He's good and cuddly," Bruce said. The same journal floated in. He looked at it then at the baby, who was concentrating more than he did when he laid a huge dump. He poked him on the side and the journal fell.
Wilhelmina looked then sighed. "You're a big bit of trouble today. I'll look up better ways of blocking that off later." Everyone nodded. No one was going to mention it in case Stark wanted to test what magic could do.
***
Natasha watched the two going hunting with a mental sigh. It could be worse but James clearly needed his own space away from them, and the baby. Who was babbling at her knee while grinning. She smiled back, running a hand over his hair. "You are very verbal today. Are you happy, Alex?" He drooled on her finger he pulled over to gum on. "I see you are." She moved him and got onto the floor with him. He pounced her so she hugged him before he knocked her over. She rolled the ball with the bell inside, getting his attention. "Would you like to play?" He squealed and chased after the ball she rolled, nearly taking her necklace with him. She saved it, barely, from the little drooled on fingers.
Stark came out looking pissed off. "Can't I have a hangover in peace?"
The baby pounced him. "Toto," he said with a smile for him.
"Hey, Alex." He patted him on the head. "I've got a headache. Can you be a tiny bit more quiet?" The baby cackled and ran for his ball again. "I guess not," he complained. "Take him to the park?"
"I would but it's raining," she said, pointing at the windows.
He groaned. "Damn it." He went back to his room to hide.
"Alex, let Uncle Tony rest. He has a headache," Natasha said patiently. The baby tried to get to him anyway. She got up to chase him back. He decided it was a game and went to hide with Clint, who was in bed with a cold. Clint felt him trying to climb up on the bed and pulled him up, letting him curl up underneath the blankets. He didn't even mind that only the baby's head was underneath and his feet were up by Clint's ear.
Natasha paused at the door. "JARVIS, please take a photo," she said quietly. Clint blinked at her voice. She pointed. He looked at the half-covered baby then shrugged and grabbed him to shift around then cuddled with him and went back to sleep. Alex was helpful by petting him and cooing at him. "You're very good to your uncle, Alex. We all appreciate that." She came over to take him but Clint waved her off. "Fine. He's happy and active."
"He's nearly one. Go plan his birthday," Clint muttered. She left, going to do that. He looked at the baby, who was staring at him. "Help me rest, Alex. My head hurts. I have a booboo."
"Boo?" he asked, eyes wide.
"No, not Uncle Bruce." He sighed and cuddled him. Alex let him, for a while. Then he wanted to play. Clint let him crawl around the bed. He kept him out of the drawers in the bedside table. Then he had to let the baby onto the floor and protect his weapons. That made him get up and pull on sweat pants instead of a pair of boxers. Alex headed for the bathroom. Clint followed, yawning the whole way. Alex was staring in the toilet so he took his diaper off, which was wet, and sat him on it. "Go in there. Pee for me. I'll give you a new toy if you pee." Alex naturally peed. Clint smiled and hugged him. "Good boy! Very good boy, Alex! You used the potty! That's how big boys do it." Alex grinned and peed some more since his uncle liked it so much. "Great job!" He cleaned him up and got him into a diaper, grabbing one of the toys he had picked up for the upcoming birthday party. Alex hugged his new soft friend, walking out to show mommy. Clint followed. "He went pee."
"He often does," she quipped back.
"In the potty."
"That's a great thing," she said, giving him a hug. "I'm very proud, son. Good job." He showed her the toy. "Yes, that's a good new friend." He found his ball again and ran off after accidentally kicking it. "I should've put that up. Stark has a hangover."
"He's a big boy and knows how to treat those I'm sure," Clint said, sitting beside her on the couch. Alex chased the ball back. Clint kicked it up and handed it to Natasha, but handed the baby a magazine instead. He stared at it then at Clint. "Read it. You can do that. It's got lots of pictures of girls. You'll learn to like girls soon." He climbed up between them with the book, handing it to his mother. Clint smiled.
She took it to read to him. She conveniently skipped the stupid things but he liked the articles on the newest fashion trends and hairstyles.
Stark came back out trudging. "Thanks for trying to keep him quiet."
"Toto!" Alex called, waving at him.
Stark smiled and waved back. "Morning, kiddo. Let Mommy read. That way you dress nicely, like I do." He headed for the coffee pot. He looked down at the tiny pounce, picking the kid up. "This is coffee. It's *really* important that you learn how to make good coffee," he told the baby, who smiled at him. "Good coffee is very important to life. Especially when you're into science like I am." He poured some. Alex fussed at the milk. Tony sniffed it then looked at him. "It's not bad."
Natasha came in to take the milk. "He knows that regular milk works better than skim," she said, handing over the real milk. She took the baby. "We will talk to you about coffee. I think there's a show that shows how to make coffee." She walked off talking to him about coffee since he seemed to enjoy that topic at the moment. Clint had found the 'how do they do it' show on their system so he could watch it. Alex stared at the pictures then looked at her. "That's not home coffee. That's fancy coffee. You have to go out for that." The baby sucked on his thumb while he watched, lounging on his mother's lap.
"The guy does have a nice voice," Clint said through a yawn.
"He does," Stark agreed, coming out to watch with them. He could explain things to the kid. He liked to teach him things.
When Bruce came up from the labs, he and Tony got to teach the baby things. It was good for them to teach. It reminded them that they had stuff to pass on.
***
When Steve and Bucky came back from their weekend away from the team, and kid, they found a huge problem going on. Clint and Natasha were out hunting. Stark was hacking security footage with Coulson helping. Bruce was trying to keep his temper and Pepper was somewhere between crying and going to kill someone. Steve came off the elevator first. He paused. "What happened?" he called.
"Someone took the baby," Bruce said, patting Pepper on the shoulder. "We're not sure why." Steve nodded. "Clint had an idea based on the fuzzy image off his security bracelet so he and Natasha are off hunting."
"Let me gear up," Bucky said, heading for his room. "Steve?"
"I have mine out here." He grabbed what he'd need and changed, pulling out his shield then his guns to strap on. He went down to see what Stark had. "Any idea for us yet?"
"Two," Coulson said, handing back pages. "Both of the same family. Clint thinks it's Peter. We're not certain. Both are in town. We're not sure if they're together or not. Widow, you have backup that just returned. Where am I sending them?" he asked into his microphone. He nodded. "Trump hotel," he said. "Happy hunting."
"Tell us if we need anything," he said, slipping in his earpiece. He came off the elevator into the living room a minute later. Bucky came out pulling on a t-shirt. "Trump hotel." He nodded, following him to the elevator so they could hit the garage. It wasn't that far from the tower and traffic was only mildly annoying today. They got out about a block before it and snuck up on their target. Steve spotted Natasha, who nodded. He nodded back. "Hawkeye," he said quietly. "We a go?"
"Two minutes," he said. "The kid's going to be changed in a minute. He's crapping hard." When he spotted them taking the baby into the bathroom, Clint blew in the window with an arrow. Natasha was in there a second later, with Steve and Bucky right behind and Clint guarding from the outside. Natasha shot all the thugs, Steve got the baby from the guard in the bathroom, and Bucky pulled one of the still-living to question them. They decided to beg for mercy, but he wasn't in that mood. They told him all he wanted to know. Natasha snorted and took the baby to put into the baby snuggler in her pack. They left through the window and went back to the tower. Clint reported they were on their way so Stark and Bruce were waiting on them. "Here," Clint said, handing him to Bruce. "Might still need changed."
"No, they were hitching him back together," Steve said, getting out. "Why did they want him?"
"As a suitable heir," Natasha said, looking at Bucky, who grimaced.
"Coulson sent agents to clean up after you," Stark said, looking at the baby, who was still fussing. "He good?"
"He's been slapped. I'm trying really hard to control my temper." He walked off with the baby. Bucky followed, growling quietly.
Coulson stepped forward. "The director thanked you for handling that issue in a less than messy way. He was more than happy that he was picking them up but had hoped to have a few more alive."
"I have no mercy for them," she said simply.
"If she had, I wouldn't," Clint said.
"I told him the fact you left anyone alive to question was proof you needed a rest," Coulson said, earning a tiny smirk from Natasha. "Go to the infirmary for post mission medical and to check on the baby." She nodded, walking off with Clint. Wilhelmina was still in her bed, sedated. The baby was still fussing and whining until his mother and Clint walked in. Then he wanted Clint. Who cuddled him. He finally let Bucky calm him down.
Natasha looked at the baby then at Bucky. "Maybe he thinks you two are together?"
"He's weird," he said dryly. "He thinks the bird is his dad."
"He does a lot for the baby."
"I'm surprised he decided that's my pet name," Clint said.
"You're a better version than I am," Bucky admitted.
Clint smirked. "You don't know that for sure."
Natasha patted him on the arm. "You can teach him flexibility. It would be a good thing for him to learn." He grinned at her. "Bucky and I will teach him gunplay, you can work on his other weapon skills."
Coulson cleared his throat. "Start with flexibility that seems like a game and move on to other things as he gets older. Not even your child will use a gun before he's two." He crossed his arms over his chest, tipping his head to stare at the baby sucking his thumb against Clint's neck. "Is he all right, Bruce?"
"Beyond the one bruise on his check and the grab marks on his arm, it appears he is. Nothing broken, no other obvious bruises, no mistreatment marks." Coulson nodded. The baby looked at Bruce. "You're going to be okay." He patted him on the head. "You're a good boy, Alex."
Alex grinned at him, putting his head back down. Then he spotted Coulson. "Coco?"
"Close enough," Phil said, taking him to hold. The baby sighed and cuddled in. "Now I know you're all right. You just peed on me." Natasha took him to change but Pepper stole him to do that so she could cuddle the baby. Phil looked at Natasha. "You have wishes that are known?" he asked quietly.
"Yes. In my safe." He nodded, leaving it there. She went to save Pepper from the baby. She was reading to him on the couch by the time she got up to the living room.
"Why did they want him?"
"The one that was questioned mumbled something about being the perfect heir for his weapons dealing empire." Alex grinned at her and waved. She smiled and waved back. "Your aunt is very good to you." The baby put his head down on Pepper's shoulder, grinning at her. She smiled back. "Want me to take him?"
"No. I've got him, Natasha." She nodded, getting up and going into the kitchen. "Can you start some water for tea?" she called after her.
"Of course. That's what I was doing anyway." She watched Pepper talk to the baby, which made him happy. Her son was spoiled with attention. It was probably good for him. Even when he abandoned his aunt for his uncle, who was cuddling next to Pepper. Tony grinned and told him a story about when he was younger and building engines. Her son was going to have a lot of strange ideas about science very soon.
She brought out tea for her and Pepper, and coffee for Tony. Her son looked at the cup Tony was drinking from. Tony let him taste it but he made a gross face. "He's too young to need caffeine," Natasha said, going to get him a bottle of juice. The baby grinned as he took it from her, leaning into the joined arms to drink it, staring up at them. They smiled and told him more about Tony. Natasha sat down to calm down. Her son was very good at that. Clint came off the elevator. The baby waved. Clint smiled and waved back.
Clint came back from changing clothes and sat down. The baby looked at him. "Stay with Tony and Pepper. They need cuddles." The baby wiggled and hugged Pepper, who smiled and hugged him back. The baby spotted his diaper changing robot, squealing at his buddy. It squirted air at him, making him giggle. It was a calming sound to hear for all of them.
***
Two days later, Natasha was frowning at her fussy son. "What's wrong?"
Clint came out of the kitchen. "The diaper changing robot was nudging him earlier." He sat down, pulling the baby over. He still fussed. Clint looked down his diaper then looked at him. "You haven't peed in three hours? That's not like you." The baby pouted. "Yell for Uncle Bruce? We need Uncle Bruce."
"Booooooo!" Alex squealed. They grinned at him for that.
Bruce came off the elevator. "JARVIS said you needed me?"
"He hasn't peed in at least three hours," Clint said.
Bruce stared at the baby. "That's not like you. Let's take you to look you over." He carried him off. Even when he took off the diaper, no peeing. "That's not a good thing." He checked what he could. Yup, his bladder was full. Natasha walked in. "Do you want me to use a catheter on him?"
"Does he need one?"
"His bladder's full."
"If it won't cause more problems. I'll call his normal pediatrician." He nodded, running a line into the poor little guy's peepee. Alex hated it but they needed to release the pressure. Bruce collected it to test. When it was done, he removed it carefully and gave the baby some baby advil. Then he tried an ultrasound to make sure he didn't have any kidney stones. He did. There was pieces inside the catheter bag. The tube had moved it and allowed it to get out more easily. When Natasha came back he pointed at the bag.
She held it up to look. "Is that a kidney stone?" Bruce nodded, handing over the urine scan results. "I'm bringing him in later."
"Let's mark the time of change on this diaper." He put one on the baby and put a time on the waistband in marker. "There you go. I'll send scans of the kidney stone to your phone."
"Thank you." She walked off carrying him and the papers. "Barton?" she called into the gym. The baby fussed, wanting him. Clint took him to hold. "I'm taking him to the baby doctor. He has a UTI and kidney stones. Bruce had to use a catheter."
"Poor guy," he said, looking at the baby. "C'mon, I'll drive."
"I drive," she said dryly. He shrugged and they went together to make sure she didn't have to fight her way out of the pediatrician's office by herself. The nurse was amused at them having test results. So was the doctor. Natasha showed him the close up of the stones.
"That's bad." He looked at the diaper then at her. "It's been two hours?"
"He's never went over an hour and a half between pees," Clint said. "Usually about once an hour."
"Does he drink a lot?" They shook their heads. "He just likes to pee?"
"Yes. Especially since Stark built him a diaper changing robot that squirts him," Clint said dryly. "His father's worried he'll be gay because of it." Natasha hit him on the arm without looking. Clint smirked at her. "He is."
"You're the stepfather?"
"No, I'm the favorite uncle. He calls me Dad sometimes."
"That's...an unusual living arrangement."
She stared at him then shifted her leather jacket out of the way to show the SHIELD emblem she still hadn't removed from her uniform. "We live with coworkers and his nanny."
"That makes more sense. Is he safe there?" She nodded. "You're certain?"
"One of the times he wasn't, it was our bosses," Clint said. "They learned. Now they help." He smirked a tiny bit. The doctor cleared his throat. Alex fussed when he pressed on his stomach. "Calm down, Alex," Clint soothed, patting him on the back. "It's all right. He's trying to make you feel better."
"I'm not sure why he's getting a kidney stone. He's not drinking soda?" They both shook their heads. "Does he drink too often?"
"Three to four bottles a day, depending on when he eats," Natasha said. "Sometimes a midnight snack one if he's fussy."
"Plus whatever he can beg out of our cups when we're drinking," Clint said. "He got me for half a cup of regular milk the other day." They all looked at the diaper ripping fart the baby had just let out. "Wow," Clint quipped. "Bit of a problem, Alex?" The baby grinned and waved. "Just air I think."
Natasha looked and nodded. "So far. I think that's about to change." The doctor shook his head, making notes in the chart. Yes it was changing so they got to change and the doctor looked less than pleased about the state of the diaper. She considered it then looked at the kid. "Did you help Uncle Steve eat his wheat biscuit cereal again?"
"Clearly," Clint complained. They got him cleaned up and the doctor looked at the tiny peepee. Which still didn't let anything out, even when the doctor pressed on his full bladder. "Bruce had to ...intubate, even though we hate the very thought of catheters."
"Sometimes it helps," the doctor agreed. "I don't want to put him on one either." He looked at the hole. "He was very delicate. There's no swelling." He looked over. "Does this Bruce have a lot of experience with penises?"
"Dr. Banner? As far as I know he doesn't," Natasha said. "He's one of our teammates." He gaped in horror at her. She shrugged. "He's the one that Alex most usually sees for minor kid injuries."
"Falling after chasing his diaper changing robot," Clint sighed, shaking his head.
She punched him on the arm. "That was Stark's fault."
"Probably true," he agreed. He pulled up a video on his phone and showed it to the doctor. The doctor didn't seem to want to smile but he did. "It's weird but the little guy loves his squirty friend." They all moved away from the almost fountain of pee, and the screaming the kid was doing during it. "Yup, you've got another one up there." He cleaned him up and cuddled him. "I'm sorry we can't stop that. If I could, I would."
The doctor cleaned it up and looked at the cloth. "There's debris in here too." He bundled it up. "Let me look at it under the scope. I'll be right back." They nodded, soothing the baby. Once he was in the hallway he looked at his nurse. "They're Avengers?" he muttered. She nodded with a grin. "Is that safe for the baby?"
"They do the best they can, the same as all other parents do." He nodded, taking the sample to look at. He came back grimacing. "What do you need?"
"Sense," he said, knocking then walking in. "It's salt."
"Salt?" Natasha demanded. "He's not allowed to have salted food. Wilhelmina would throw fits if we fed him anything with salt. She makes all his food so he doesn't get any when we cook."
"It's still crystalized sodium."
Natasha and Clint shared a look then shrugged. "Will it dissolve?" Clint asked. "Some other way to treat it beyond a catheter?"
"I don't think they'll break up by ultrasound, which is how we do calcium kidney stones." He crossed his arms over his chest. "Is there anything ...unusual about him?"
"When we first got him he was peeing black, tarry stuff but we found out the lab he had been made in exposed him to fish essence somehow," Natasha said. "That was all detoxed, we made sure of it."
"A...lab?" he asked. She nodded. "So he's not naturally done?"
"No. They decided they wanted to see what my child would be like. So far he's very smart, a bit of a smartass, and loves weapons." She frowned some. "I found him lying on top of a rocket launcher the other day. Fortunately we had disarmed it already."
"They're his favorite pet," Clint agreed. "But he goes into fits of joy at ancient weapons. He likes shiny things."
"Many babies do but they get things like mirrors and keys."
"We had a delivery," Clint said. "For work purposes. He managed to figure out how to climb out of bed and found them to cuddle and pee on."
"You're not exactly the normal family we see."
"All the fun of being an Avenger," Clint quipped with a grin.
"I can see that. Is he ahead on any spectrums?"
"We have no idea," Clint admitted. "We're all a bunch of bachelors. I've only handled kids when I was in the circus as a kid. I did some babysitting for the other families." He shrugged. "Pepper knows a few people with kids. Stark considers him like a really lifelike, learning robot sometimes because he's not the best around non-geniuses. Bruce says he's really smart and I guess he's seen kids being a doc around the world. Steve got raised with a few when he went to the orphanage." He shrugged again. "As far as we know he's kinda smart and a little bit of a smartass and likes stories."
"Let me do a few tests." He pulled out a few things. "This is to test his vision, to see how well he focuses." They watched as he did that, making notes. The other tests, including reflex, hearing by snapping fingers, and trying to get his attention back when it wandered didn't take that long. The doctor looked at him. "He's advanced but not highly advanced." He looked at her. "Are we expecting anything...odd to show up?"
"As far as we know, what makes his father and I special hasn't. Bruce is looking out for that."
"That's good to know. If he does, let me know so I can factor that into other tests?" They nodded. "He has no focus."
"We've seen what looks like baby ADD," Clint agreed.
"All babies have no attention span. It should lengthen but we'll keep an eye out for that." He made that note. "The father has it?"
"I did not know him until he was an adult," she said. "I did not or if I did, the training I went through as a child fixed any problems I had."
"Any in your family?"
"They died when I was four."
"Do you know anything about your family's medical history?"
"I would assume it was clean considering I was picked for the training I went through. Anything hereditary would have been considered a liability."
The doctor nodded. "If you can find some way of finding out things like cancer in your family it may be important some day." She nodded she understood that. "Other than that, we have two options for the problems, neither one is going to be comfortable for him. We can put him into the hospital and give him nice painkillers while he pees out those crystals. Or you can do it the way you have been and give him painkillers at home. He'll get better ones at the hospital."
They shared a look. "It's probably better if he's at home for now," she said, looking at the doctor again. "If we run into problems, we'll have him admitted."
"Okay. Let me write out instructions for your infirmary." He wrote them down to hand to her plus two prescriptions. "Put him on pedialyte just in case. I don't think he'll become dehydrated but that diaper was a bit loose. Watch the amount of tylenol so you don't cause some liver toxicity. Figure out why he's got salt crystals instead of regular ones." They nodded, Clint taking the papers while she picked up the baby.
"Let me know how it's going and if he spikes a fever, or if you can't get them out in about two days, he's going to have to be admitted. We can figure out how to admit him to a private hospital so it's safer for him." She smiled and nodded, shaking his hand before leaving. They paid their fees and left. He made a lot of notes about the baby then handed it to his head nurse. "Lock this file up. It only comes out when we have to." She nodded, taking it to his safe.
This was very weird and he'd be keeping this child's forms on paper instead of online.
***
Clint walked into the infirmary with the baby and the paperwork. "He puked on mom in the garage," he said, handing the papers over and putting the baby onto the bed. He got fussed at so hopped up to cuddle him. "The doctor's a bit paranoid."
"That's always a good thing." He frowned as he read. "Okay, that's what we'll do."
"Can he be mobile with a bag?"
"Maybe." He looked up. "We might be able to rig up something. I have to get some baby sized urine bags and another catheter." Clint nodded. "Is he okay?"
"The doc forced some out by squeezing at the right moment. He should be okay for at least another twenty."
Tony walked in with three bags. "The pharmacist was not amused until I told him the baby had a kidney stone. Then he's horrified."
"So was the doctor," Clint said. Bruce got everything ready and came over to take off the baby's diaper and insert the line. Clint had to look away and was trying hard not to cover his own. All guys hated catheters. Natasha came in and helped hold the wiggly one down. Tony got the painkillers administered. They taped the bag to the baby's stomach and thigh then redressed him. Almost immediately, another small crystal came out and so did some pee so that was good. It also let Alex wander and pout at people. He went to pout at Pepper, who cuddled him but looked at the bulky plastic thing. Clint followed to take him back. "Kidney stone."
"Ow, poor guy," she said, taking him back to cuddle some more. "Is there anything we can do? I noticed the appliance."
"Like big boys, he's got to pee them out. If he's not better in a few days, he's got to go to the hospital."
"I can find a good private hospital that has a pediatric unit," she said. She looked at him. "Go cuddle the Uncle Clint and I'll find some nice people to take care of you." Alex fussed some but let his uncle pick him up and take him off. She got to work looking up private hospitals.
Coulson met Clint at the elevator, taking the baby from him. "Come help me do my breathing exercises, Alex. We'll cuddle during it." The baby yawned and put his head on his shoulder, sucking on his thumb. Natasha gave him a bottle of sports drink and let him take the baby down to the gym he used. His physical therapist was waiting. "Sorry, we just got him back from the baby doctor."
"Shots?"
"Kidney stone."
"Ow. Not a displeasure I've ever had," she said. "He can cuddle while we work. He's been good all the other times he's come in with you, Agent Coulson." He nodded, settling in to start the breathing exercises. The baby sucked on his bottle and cuddled, watching what they were doing. When they were finally done he was almost asleep and didn't want to be moved.
Bucky walked in and came to carefully lift him, keeping him in the same position. "We'll let you nap on the couch." He carefully carried him off like he'd explode. He still wasn't used to the kid. Natasha put down her book and took him to hold. That made the baby grumble but a few head nudges made him realize he was on Mom so that was fine. He went back to sleep. "How soon before we know if he's got to be admitted?"
"Two days without it being cured or a serious fever." She ran her fingertips over his forehead. "You're running a fever already." The baby flinched. "It's just us." He stared at her. "Are you all right?" He pouted and went back to his bottle, casually sucking on it. "I think it's empty. Want some more?" Bucky took it to get him more. She shifted the baby. "We'll handle it." She checked the bag, very little had come out. "You usually pee a lot more than that. We need to get you back to that."
Clint came out, waving his heating pad and the cover he had for it. "This could help." He set up a nest for him, letting him curl up on the warm pad and take the bottle back to drink some more. Bruce came up with a small ultrasound machine but the baby flinched away from him. "It's okay, Alex. Let Uncle Bruce look at your belly."
Bruce frowned. "I'm not getting a good image." They took him down to the infirmary to use the full machine. That gave them a pretty good picture of what was wrong. Bruce moved the wand to try to push some of them back. It let the baby pee more. Bruce took another one and shook his head. "Let's take him to be admitted." Natasha called Pepper, who had the name of a good hospital locally while Clint called the doctor. He got them admitted while they brought the baby down. Bruce shook hands with the doctor. "The ultrasound I took about an hour ago." He let them see the printed copies.
"What are those?" the hospital's doctor asked, staring at them. "Kidney stones?"
"They're calcium and sodium, not the usual ones," the baby's doctor said. "How many have come out?"
"I had to move some away so he could pee. I've got him on a bag, have since he got home." They looked at the contents of the bag. Not a lot. "He's usually a highly effective urinator. He usually pees at least once every two hours."
"Usually once an hour," Clint said. "Often through the holding capacity of the diaper."
"That's a lot for a guy his age," the hospital doctor said.
Natasha nodded. "He seems to like it." Bruce nodded.
"We can look at that afterward," the hospital's doctor said. "What have you given him so far?" Bruce laid out his notes from today. "That's not a bad idea. Or the catheter. It's probably making it easier for him to bring them out." He nodded. "We'll admit him. His fever is worrying and so is the amount of debris in his bladder. Let me get a urologist to look him over once he's upstairs." He looked at mother and uncle. "Are we going to need special security for him?"
"We should be enough," Natasha said. "Most of us will take shifts to watch over him. If not, we'll be discreet about such things."
"Thank you." He got the admitting paperwork done and the pediatrician went back to his office. They walked the baby up to his room, nodding at the nurses that came in.
"How much mobility does he have?" the nurse in charge asked.
"He's walking," Clint said. "Often. Sneaks out of his bed, into ours, though he's still got a slight problem climbing."
The nurse nodded, making that note. "Is this his first health problem?"
"A few teething fevers. Nothing unusual," Natasha said. "Though he was exposed to fish essence by the people who had him born." The nurse looked at her. She stared back. "His father had a talk with them once we found out he was in existence."
The nurse nodded. "I would've done the same thing but my husband hates the sight of blood." She smiled at Clint. "No openly worn weapons. We have two kids on the ward that got shot during a break-in and they got really freaked out at a simple taser in a holster from our guards."
"Got it," he said. "We can subtly wear them." She nodded, checking his vitals. "He's not a picky eater. He'll try to sample anything you're eating or drinking. Doesn't like coffee yet. He has a fondness for toast and pastries."
"Most kids do," the nurse said with a smile. "I have four."
Natasha stared at her. "I'm so sorry."
The nurse laughed. "I conveniently forgot what diapers are like between." She ran a hand over Alex's hair. "You're a good boy, Alex." He grumbled at her. "You rest." She looked at them. "Anything he's allergic to in any sense?" They shook their heads. "His usual diet?"
"Wilhelmina cooks his specially so she can smash it up," Clint said. "He's almost no salt at all. She's got him eating all sorts of veggies. He drinks a bottle with each meal and if we're tired and he's not in the middle of the night he'll get another one."
"He's not sleeping through?"
"He likes to wander," Natasha admitted.
"Some kids do." She finished up the preliminary notes. "We have the urologist coming down in about an hour or so. He's in surgery. He's a bit...grumpy." They nodded. "I'm going to change out his collection bag so we can test the samples of debris in it and it for infection signs." They nodded. She replaced the bag and took it with her.
When the urologist walked in he didn't look pleased. "How much soda does he drink?"
"None," Clint said. The doctor stared at him. "He's milk, juice, water, and pedialyte when necessary. Most of us don't drink soda around the tower." The doctor nodded once. "We also got told they're not the usual sort of kidney stone."
The nurse walked in. "The tests on one of them," she said, handing it over. "It's not a standard kidney stone according to the lab. His urine screen." He grimaced at it but tucked it into the folder. She checked and frowned. "He's hardly let any out."
"Bruce had to push some of the debris away from the opening so he could pee before," Natasha said. "That's when he decided we should admit him."
"It's a good idea," the urologist said. "I saw the scans. It's like gel in there from what we can tell." They nodded. "How's his usual diet?"
"Wilhelmina cooks specially for him so it's no salt, low sugar, mostly veggies," Clint said. "She's got him a special food processor."
"That's a good thing. I wish more parents would." He came over to touch the baby's stomach. "It's not hard, which is a good sign." He stepped back. "Any other abnormalities we've found?"
"No, so far he seems to be a bright little boy," Clint said. "I'm one of his favorite uncles so he finds me most of the time whenever he wants to. He plays, he squeals, he runs, he pees on us, usually a lot more often than others seem to think is normal."
"How often is he filling a diaper?"
"Usually every few hours," Natasha said. "And usually he's on the verge of over-filling the diaper. He had been doing about once an hour but in the last month or so it's stretched out to about every two, two and a half hours."
"That's a lot. Have we had his blood sugar tested?"
"As far as I know," Clint said, looking at Natasha.
She nodded, pulling up his file from the tower. "This is Bruce's file for him in our infirmary." She let him see it.
"I see he did as part of his beginning bloodwork. How old was he when he was retrieved?"
"Four months," Clint said. "He'll be one in a few days."
The doctor handed the phone back and made notes in the chart. "We need to do a dye contrast scan."
"Like you do on hearts?" Clint asked. "We were watching the discovery channel the other day with him. It distracted him while an uncle had a hangover."
"Basically the same procedure, yes. We can do it tonight." He looked at Natasha, who nodded. "Okay, I'll schedule that. Perhaps we can flush it out more easily." He left, going to set things up. The baby got some juice when he woke up. He got a bit fussy but his uncle settled beside him and found the discovery channel shows on their system. The baby settled down to cuddle him.
***
Fury walked in alone that night, staring at Natasha. "Kidney stones?"
"Made of more sodium than the usual calcium we get," she said. She checked the baby, who was sleeping with Clint on the bed, then looked at him again. "They've flushed some out. He's peeing more normally."
"Any idea if this is more complications from the stuff he got exposed to?"
"It's thought so at this time."
"Anything we can do?" She pointed behind him and he called off that agent. "We're trying to make sure he's safe."
She stared at him. "Before you wanted him as an experiment."
"I thought it'd be safer than there." He looked around then at her. "No nanny?"
"They nearly killed her to snatch him. She's still in the infirmary but they've talked over the phone. He fussed for her but she calmed him down. Then he went under for the tests."
"That's good." He looked at the baby then at her again. "Relax, Hawkeye. I'm not going to try anything."
"That's probably a good idea. We're all running on little sleep." He couldn't move. "Nat, he's using my holster as his teddy bear again."
She came over to untangle the baby. "There, son," she soothed. "Let Uncle Clint up." He got up and went to the bathroom.
"Dada," Alex fussed.
"Shh, I have you." He cuddled her, pouting at the new person. "This is Director Fury. We used to work for him."
Fury snorted. "Not like I fired you. Not many agents could take us down in a surgical strike from a bookstore, Romanoff." Clint came out, leaning on the doorway. The baby fussed so he settled with him again. "He's really bonded with you."
"I'm his favorite uncle," he agreed. "Even over his dad and the uncle that made him the diaper changing robot."
Fury shook his head. "Great."
"He does love that robot," Natasha said. "He likes to play chase with it as well."
"Figures Stark made him his first robot."
"What guy wouldn't like a robot that was there to clean him up with a suction tube and a spraying wand," Clint said dryly. "Bucky's seriously worried he'll be gay thanks to all the ball spraying it does."
Fury nodded. "I can see that point." He looked at Natasha again, noticing the tiny little smirk. "Want guards?"
"We're doing it in shifts," she said. "If we must, then please. Especially if there's a battle."
"Of course. I'll keep Hill away from him too. She's confused or something about him." They shrugged. "Need anything else?"
"Him on our insurance?" Clint asked.
"He has been since he appeared," Fury assured him and left them there. One of his agents brought them a good, supportive dinner with coffee. They told her where they had agents layered for their safety and left them alone. Bruce and Coulson came in to check on them, Coulson giving them a break and Bruce staying to go over the chart with the nurse when she came in with it. The baby cuddled up with his uncle and fussed himself back to sleep.
***
Two days later, Stark showed up with Pepper, who left after a long cuddle of the baby. Stark sat down, looking at the kid. "You good?" The baby pouted. "I know, you want to be up running and all that." He patted him on the thigh. "I snuck in your friend even though he can't change you." The robot came in when he clicked the remote. His 'nephew' squealed and grinned, reaching over to pat it. The nurse peeked in but Tony waved her off. Alex shifted over to cuddle his robot friend. "Do not touch the line," Tony warned. "But you can change him. It's making him happy. He needs some cheer." The robot got the baby stripped down and was happily spraying him, which brought more nurses to watch what was going on. Tony grinned. "It's his diaper changing robot."
The head nurse nodded. "Does it always do that?"
"Yup. It has a tube for if he pees during it." He snapped and the robot put out all his tubes for show. "We had to adjust it because of a lack of water one day, but other than that it's set to be no less than four inches from his butt." The baby got put back into the bed and tucked in. The robot sucked up some stuff on the floor, shooting it at Stark then rolling off. "No bothering others," he warned. It honked and found a baby that needed changed. The nurses hadn't gotten to her yet. She squealed in joy too when the robot changed and sprayed her clean then did up her diaper and presented the old one to the nurses before it trundled off.
"You're very handy," the head nurse said. "Go back to playing with your boy. We've got the others." It honked and headed back to pat his boy. She took the diaper to look over and notate. The baby girl was very happy now and no longer fussing at everything. She even let them feed her. She took down the footage of that for the parent, the doctors, and for their pleasure. The other nurses were amused by it too. Especially when a set of parents started to argue up the hall with one of the nurses so the robot came out to spray them until they quit. They spluttered but quit arguing. The head nurse gave it a pat as it rolled past. "Thank you." It honked happily.
The urologist came in to check the baby but the head nurse stopped him to watch that video. He sighed. "It's good he's happy."
"The other one it changed got happier too." He looked at her then watched that video. He just nodded and walked off. She smiled. At least he didn't seem upset.
The urologist walked into Alex's room, looking at the mother. "He likes that?"
"A lot. It's his favorite playmate," Natasha said dryly, looking at the robot. Then back at the doctor. "We've only had one problem and Stark fixed it immediately when the nanny found out."
"That's...kind of weird."
"With as often as he usually pees, it's fairly handy, even with the nanny."
The doctor nodded. "He was peeing a lot by what you reported. Once we get this done, we'll make sure he has no kidney problems." She nodded. He checked the urine in the bag then looked at Alex's tiny peepee before touching his stomach. That got some fussing. "He's full."
"He's had three bottles of water, one bowl of oatmeal with fruit, and one bottle of formula since he got up."
"Okay," the doctor agreed. "That's a good amount but pretty normal for his age." He pressed again. More urine came out but it wasn't yellow and it wasn't moving like thin fluid. "We might have to go in to clean it out better."
"Would that require surgery?"
"It would. We can cut a small hole and insert a suction hose. We need to make sure he's not making more." She nodded once. "It's not a problem but if it gets any thicker it will be."
"I can understand that." She looked at her son then at him again. "Future problems?"
"Shouldn't be any as long as we stop them from coming."
"Is there some way to stop that at the same time?"
"I do not know," he admitted. "We could probably flush his kidneys but that would take a lot of surgery and it'd mean some dialysis for a few days."
"I'd rather we not," she said. "I don't want to look at it like a partial transplant."
"It's part of the same procedure. It'd take a longer surgery."
"Then let's wait. We're not sure they're coming from his kidneys."
"True. Do you want to go with the suctioning?"
She got up to look at her son, nodding. "If it would be best."
"It's fastest and easiest. If we let this keep happening we might end up with a rupture."
"That would be worse," she decided. "We can do that while he's asleep?"
"Of course. It shouldn't take more than an hour or so to do it."
"That would be fine." She texted Clint and the others. She looked up. "I will consent. We can set up in the waiting area?"
"Yes. We don't encourage parents to watch the surgeries. They don't tend to last very well."
"I have seen worse things being done," she admitted. "But I can let one of the others watch over him for me." He nodded, getting the paperwork and setting up the surgery. She signed the permission forms. Bucky was there by then and followed him down to the surgical suite.
The urologist looked at him. "Uncle?"
"Biological father. I've seen worse and the kid's not real fond of me usually because I don't play as much."
"Okay. You have someone to help you in case you get upset with the procedure? I've had SEALs who couldn't stand to watch it." He stared at him. "Including me when it was my own kid being circumcised."
"Steve will hold me down." He nodded, taking the baby to get him ready. They had used some sedative drops to knock him out before leaving the room. That solved some problems until they could intubate him and put him on a different IV solution. Bucky watched, feeling Steve coming up behind him. "Hey."
"Hey. Natasha said they're going to suck out all the crud?"
"That's what she said. I didn't ask."
Steve patted him on the back. "It's all right. Maybe they can find the cause and end it." Bucky flinched when they made the cut for the probe. "Sit down. Watch the entry." Bucky glared. "Now. I'll watch him." Bucky huffed but went to check the entries to the area. Steve winced as he watched the long probe be stuck into the tiny body.
Bucky looked down there. "I wonder if I had that done."
"Don't know. I have no idea how they did your arm."
"Me either. I woke up and it was there." Wilhelmina stomped in. "They're sucking all the crud out."
She grimaced. "Eww." She glanced in then sat down to wait. "I saw the robot."
"He's helped on the ward from what Natasha said. It helped a little girl who was having problems. It sprayed a fighting couple," Steve said. They all looked down there. The doctor was removing a larger lump that was stuck. "They may have found it."
Wilhelmina looked down there then shrugged. "No idea where that would have come from."
"Fish stuff?" Bucky guessed.
"No idea," she repeated.
"We can test it," Steve said. He watched nurses come and go up the hall. When Alex came out to go to recovery, they followed. Natasha was down there waiting on them. The doctor came out with a lab report and a picture. Natasha looked at it then called Bruce. He showed up with someone from SHIELD's science teams. "Fish stuff?" Steve guessed.
"Something they gave him when he was kidnaped the other day," Bruce said. He frowned at the report on the lump. "That's interesting."
"We've seen smaller ones caused by the medicine for brainwashing but why would he use that on a child?"
"If he's living, ask him," the doctor said.
"He's not," Natasha said. "One of his people is."
"I'll ask him when I get back," the scientist said. "Or I'll tell the Director and he'll ask." They all nodded. "I'll test the medicine we use to counter that to see if it's safe for him and if it will stop that problem," he told the urologist then looked at Natasha, who nodded. "Thank you, Dr. Spense." He shook his hand. "It's something we don't often think about." He left with a photocopy of those things.
Bruce shook his head. "His bloodwork didn't show any," he told Natasha.
"It's absorbed very quickly," she said quietly. "It won't show up in a tox panel, that's why they use it to break people in case they're saved. That way they don't know what was being done."
"Which leaves agents compromised so they're not allowed back," Steve said. Natasha nodded. "All right, that's bad. If there's more, invite us to that party, Natasha."
"Gladly." She looked at the tiny body on the bed. He was purring. "That's normal at least."
The urologist went to check and smiled. "It's adorable." He came out. "Biological parents only in there. Go up to his room. It'll be about an hour." They nodded, going to get things for Natasha.
Natasha got up to calm her son down when he fussed. "You are fine. I'm right here." He sucked on her fingers and went back to sleep.
***
The nurse later that night came in to empty his urine bag, staring at it. "You are a peeing little guy, aren't you?"
"Yes, he is," Natasha said. "Often." The nurse smiled, but took a sample to test and threw the rest out after noting the amount. It got reattached to catch a new bit of pee and she left.
Natasha looked at her son, who was grinning. "Want some oatmeal?" She held up the package. He giggled. She got up to make some and brought it back to feed him. He inhaled it and was happy to be eating. He cooed at the nurse when she came back, making her pat him on the head. "Eat, son. It's time to eat." He grabbed the spoon to try to feed himself so she gently guided his hand into his mouth. "Like that so you don't wear as much."
"Most kids get messy," the nurse said. She took his temperature in his ear, making him duck away from her. "Just a second, love." She did that and took numbers from his machines then changed his IV bag. "With any luck, he'll be off the IV tomorrow." She looked at the urine bag. "He is peeing a lot."
"He often overloads diapers," Natasha said dryly. "Since day one. He woke me up by peeing all over my bed. Since then it's been a rush to change him when he pees." She fed him another bite.
"Take down how much liquid you're feeding him?" Natasha nodded, pointing at the pad beside her. The nurse took note of it and put the notepad back before going to put the notes into the baby's chart.
When the urologist checked on him later, he frowned at the amount of fluid out. He went to check. "We emptied the bag an hour ago?" he asked.
Natasha nodded, handing over her note. "He's had that much fluid and food today by mouth."
He looked at it then at the urine bag. "He really does pee too much." Natasha nodded. He handed back the notepad and checked the baby's incision then his kidneys. "Some kids do have hyper kidneys but it usually calms down."
"We'd love to pay less for diapers," she said.
"I bet." He straightened up. "I'll do an ultrasound of them when I do his bladder tomorrow. Without dye contrast." Natasha nodded once. Clint walked in with a bag of food for them. The baby leaned over to see what it was. Clint handed him a small bowl of fruit. The baby squealed, sticking a fist into the food to suck off his fingers. "We'll do another A1c test too, just in case to make sure it's not diabetes."
"If we could contain that, we'd all be pleased," Natasha said. She noticed the red face while he was eating the fruit. "You're good at multitasking," she said.
Clint looked at the baby, putting his burger away. "I'll get this one."
"Thank you." He took the baby when he grinned at them, making him fuss at the loss of fruit. "You'll have it back in a minute. Let me change you. You don't need to sit in that. It's gross."
The urologist came in to look, nodding. "Very gross. We can probably end the IV." He disconnected it and rolled it out of the way. Clint finished changing him and handed him to Natasha to put back down while he washed his hands. "We're going to keep track of his in and output tomorrow plus do that bloodwork." He watched the baby eat. "He does good."
"He's almost never eating meat," Clint said. "He gets beans. He likes refried beans."
"That's a lot like baby food anyway," the urologist agreed. "I'll have that order put in and draw the blood in the morning." He walked out to make that note. "Don't micro-manage but keep track, please. Do the bloodwork in the morning. I'll do the ultrasound tomorrow afternoon." They nodded, making notes. They both ignored the fact that the diaper changing robot had snuck off to help a few more kids, who were laughing and happier now.
***
Clint and Natasha brought Alex home two days later. Alex was happy to be home, he toddled off to hug his Uncles and try to hide inside Tony's shirt with him. Tony looked down the neckhole, smiling at him. "I'll save you from the nurses flirting. You good?"
"He's fine," Clint said. Natasha was putting his diaper bag into his room. "The little peeing monster is back. It was definitely related to the stuff they gave him. It's all cured now and he's back to peeing like normal." Tony was still staring down his shirt at the kid. "He sucking on the arc reactor, Stark?"
"No, he nuzzling it with his cheek. It loves you too, Alex. Just like we do." The baby grinned at him and patted it. "Uncle Steve's wanting cuddles." The baby waved through the shirt.
Natasha walked in. "Son, would you like dinner?" she asked. He came out for that, letting her put him into his high chair. "It's your birthday, isn't it?"
"We're doing his birthday dinner tomorrow," Tony said. "Someone forgot to pick up a cake."
"That's fine," Clint agreed. He settled into his seat, looking at the baby then at the others. "The nurses were all amused when he showed off by peeing on everything." They all grinned. "Stark, the robot's in the lab. It's got another clogged line but this time it presented the kid it snuck off to change to the nurse and went to pout in a corner."
"Better than what it did last time," Steve said.
"Easily fixed," Tony promised. They all looked at the sound of water hitting the floor. "Yup, he's back."
"We have got to find higher capacity diapers," Clint complained, taking him to change. Natasha got the stuff to clean up the mess. "Alex, you really need to learn how to use the potty sometime soon, little man. Please?" He dodged the new pee missile while he changed him and cleaned them both up before going back to the kitchen. "Stark, isn't there something more absorbent than a diaper?"
"Probably but I have no idea how to merge them."
"An interior pad should work," Natasha said. "Why am I at the stove?"
"We don't know since dinner's already cooking," Bruce teased, patting her on the arm. "You need to rest."
"Mamamamama," Alex cooed, petting her when she sat down. Bruce handed over the bowl of baby vegetables she had smashed up. He ate for her and then got put down to run around for a bit. Which meant he ended up inside Tony's t-shirt again, nuzzling his arc reactor.
"We need to make you a teddy bear with one of those," he said quietly. "That way you don't get hurt." He got up and picked up the baby too, going down to his lab to work on that idea. That meant Clint and Natasha got to have a full night's sleep. Steve would help Tony watch the baby with Bruce up the hall in another lab and Bucky on guard tonight. That seemed to work out well since they hadn't told Wilhelmina he'd be back tonight.
They could handle the baby Avenger. Even if he would grow up a bit weird thanks to all of their little quirks being passed on.
The End.
A Baby (Future) Hero.