James gasped as he woke up, looking around. "Shrimp?" Natasha asked from the seat next to him. She held up a fork, letting him eat the food from it. "It's only been three hours," she said quietly. "The son is still sleeping, which we appreciate." He blinked at her. She stared back, eating a bite then feed him the rest. "Tonight has been insane and we're all calming down."
"Let me go, Natasha."
"Once you have at least most of your memories back. You cannot be free if you do not remember when you had freedom." She stared at him. "We're being nicer at it than SHIELD was to me," she said more quietly. Clint strolled in with a paper bag, handing it over with a nod for him then walking off. She looked inside and smiled at him. "Apples." She held one so he could eat it, even though he was staring at her. "Once you're healed from the damage, they'll let you go hide and figure out what you want to do."
"I can do that now."
She looked at him, leaning down some. "SHIELD found the other three embryos they made," she said quietly. "We are still looking for them to destroy them." He shuddered. "Exactly. I need the backup. Therefore you will be healed so I am not the only one." She gave him a pointed look. He huffed but grimaced. She sat back down once she had thrown out the apple core. Phil Coulson came off the elevator with a file. "Did the Director give that to you?"
"Stark hacked for me. The director's not talking to us."
"He's pouting like the baby upstairs," she said in Russian.
Phil smiled. "Possibly, yes." He held up the file. "This is all that SHIELD and any other agency has on you." He let Natasha hold it so the man tied to the bed could read it. "Are we missing anything?"
"I don't know most of that," he admitted.
"You hopefully will once they're done removing the blocks," Coulson said, leaving that in there. "I've asked Captain Rogers to give you some time to heal," he said quietly. "He's anxious and worried about you." The Winter Soldier shook his head. "You'll work that out later. Dr. Banner thinks it will take about three weeks to fully remove the blocks. Stark wants to look at your arm to fix the wiring problem he thinks you have in your wrist. I've managed to hold him off until after your blocks are removed." He crossed his arms over his chest. "If it doesn't work, we can do it the traditional way but it won't be pleasant. It's sent more than one agent off the comfortable level of sanity and most seem to need therapy for the nightmares that is the old memories coming back."
"Some of us never managed to get them all back," Natasha said. "But I did get more than some."
"Two of those were due to head injuries," Phil said. "The others have been offered this new method and they're considering their options since they got retired to a more normal life."
She nodded. "That is a nice fairytale." She stood up, looking at him. "I will be back in the morning. Try to rest." She patted his hand. "If the baby escapes, he'll try to visit. He's loud enough to let you know from the elevator." She walked off.
Phil looked at him. "She's doing it to protect you," he said quietly. "There's sixteen different kill on sight orders on you plus SHIELD's capture and question then kill order." The Winter Soldier grimaced but nodded. "She wouldn't let you fall that way. This way, you get to make your own decisions once you're clear." He looked around then at him. "If you have any programmed behavior, we'll try to be careful of that. Most of us can avoid them or protect ourselves." He walked off, lowering the lights until Bruce came in later.
The man formerly known as James Buchanan got comfortable. It was a nice prison but it was still not something he wanted to go through. He got a whole hour alone and then he heard a slapping noise and a quiet babble. He watched the baby crawl in and huffed at the stuff in his way. They had blocked off his bed with some of the debris so the baby couldn't get to him. It only made his son stubborn. He got this pouty, stubborn look and crawled around things. He yelped when he cut his hand, pouting at that mean piece of tile.
"Baba!" He swatted at it and kept going, finding the man on the bed. He grinned. "Dada!" He tried to climb up but couldn't. "Dada!"
"Kid, I'm a bit tied down. I can't pick you up," he said, waving his hands. The baby scowled at him.
Clint sighed as he walked in, lifting the baby onto the bed. "Ten minutes then you go back to bed." The baby beamed at him then crawled up to hug his father around the neck. Clint shrugged. "He'll throw a loud fit and we all need sleep tonight." When the baby was snoring he carefully picked him up and put him against his shoulder, patting him on the back. "There, that's a good boy," he said quietly. "Good boy, Alex. Let's go back to bed." The baby fussed. "Sure, you can sleep on the couch again." The baby cooed in his sleep. Clint shook his head. "I'll check his room for more devices. Need anything?"
"Bathroom break?"
Clint looked at things then put a urinal in the right spot and tossed the sheet over it. "Have fun. Let me get him back into bed. Bruce should be up in an hour." He walked off.
James stared at his back then shifted his thighs so he could use the urinal. When Banner came in he nodded at him. "Barton saved the baby from me."
"We saw that ghost trying to contact him in his room. We had a talk." He took the urinal to take a sample then tossed the rest out. "Want a nutritional drip?"
"Natasha fed me some of her Thai shrimp."
Bruce walked off and came back with a sealed mug of ice water with a straw, putting it on the bed table where he could use it. He put a package of crackers next to his human hand. "You should be able to toss it up and eat it." He walked off. "Let me go over this program again."
"Is the baby always that weird?"
Bruce looked at him, nodding. "Often. We found out why but he's a bit...unique."
"I noticed."
"He's a good, loving boy. Hopefully he'll grow up to be a good man. We're all trying to make sure of it, even if he is a bit hyper at times." He got up to take the baby back upstairs and tell the AI to not let him on the elevator.
James took a sip of the ice water, shaking his head. His son was so weird. He hoped it wasn't from him.
***
Alex looked the dinner table a few days later, looking at his mother. "Dada?"
"Still in the infirmary, son. He'll be out in a few weeks, you can see him then. He's in transition and might be dangerous." Alex pouted at her. "No. Sorry." He still pouted, but accepted the nifty piece of roll she handed him to gum on. Wilhelmina was presently fixing his dinner. "Spinach?"
"It does more than Popeye good," the nanny quipped with a grin for her. She sat down and held up a spoonful of green stuff. "Let's eat, Alex."
"Dada?"
"No, he's not having dinner with us," Wilhelmina said, feeding him a bite of spinach. He made grossed out faces and spit it out. She cleaned up the mess and fed it to him again, getting the same result. "I'm going to be here all night, aren't I?" The baby pouted at her. "You have to eat it. If you're a good boy I can put other veggies in it." She got a large spoonful of corn from the main serving dish on the table to mix in. He was still disgusted but he grumbled as he ate it. When he was done, she gave him a bottle then some more dinner roll from Clint. The baby liked that better. The others all ate, smiling some at the good eating habits they all hoped the baby kept for most of his life.
Later that night, Clint came out to see what the babbling noise was about. It was Alex trying to talk the elevator doors into opening for him. He scooped up the baby. "You don't need to be anywhere else but here, Alex. Let's go read something." The baby whined and reached. "You can see him later. JARVIS, can you note this incident to someone?" he asked as he carried the baby off.
"I have. There's no reason I can find for him to want to go downstairs," the AI said. "Unless he wants to visit the infirmary."
"He probably does."
Natasha took the baby to stare at. "I visited your father earlier. He's upset but doesn't need you to get underfoot tonight. So we will bathe, read, and then go to bed like usual." She carried him off. Clint followed to help. Giving Alex a bath often took two people because he tried to swim. Tonight he was still pouty so he wasn't wiggly in the least. They'd deal with that later. He'd forget about it soon.
***
Two hours later, the infirmary was in a bit of disarray. The Winter Soldier had decided he wanted out, now. He was going to get out now. The baby crawled into the epic fit throwing and stared up at his father. "Dada?"
He turned, staring at him. "You'll make a good hostage," he growled, picking the kid up.
Alex stared into his eyes. "Dada baba. Booo!"
"What?" he demanded. "Never mind, you're just babbling." He stomped off. The baby hugged him. That made the assassin flinch. "What are you doing?"
"Dada." He grinned and lapped him then giggled. "Dadadadadadadada."
"Shut up!"
The baby laughed. "Dada! Boooooooo!"
"Kid, I'm going to knock you out." He blocked the hit to his head from Stark but didn't expect the baby to be taken from him that way. Then he got punched into a wall. "Good, finally someone I can talk to," he sneered.
"I hated this part of the deprogramming," Natasha said. "JARVIS, the baby is not allowed to wander."
"He went down the stairs, Agent Romanoff," the AI said impatiently. "That's why I woke you."
"Great, he's really got his mom's brains," Clint said.
"Booo!" Alex called.
"He's knocked out, kid," the assassin said with a sneer. He was going to get out of here one way or another.
Wilhelmina showed up in full demon mode and touched him on the head, making everything fade out. "Sorry, can't let you hurt my charge." She smiled sweetly then whammied his mind. "Threaten the kid again," she encouraged, staring him down. "Next time you'll be singing to the pretty flowers." The man she was barely touching with her fingertips was shaking and starting to sweat hard. "Let's just fix all that nasty bullshit, shall we, dear? I'm pretty darn sure that you don't need all that shit in there. It's clogging up the pathways as it were. Such a sewer leak." He tried to take a swing at her but he was moving very, very slowly.
She patted him on the fist. "You're fine, dear. Just a few more minutes and all that nasty sewer's going to be all gone." She smiled and blew a kiss at his face. He seized and flopped around on the floor. "There, that's most of it." She reached down to brush a hand over his sweaty hair. "Hmm. That's pernicious. That's got to be encouraged by... ah, there." She pulled the things out and tossed them onto the bed. Then the other two things, healing his brain once and for all. Now he had both sets of memories. He made a slight whimpering noise. "Are you ever going to piss me off again by harming my charge?" she asked sweetly, smiling at him.
"You're like a demented Mary Poppins on a power trip," he groaned.
She laughed. "I've been called worse." She patted him on the head. "Now, get your ass up and get back onto that bed before I have to find my version of a spoonful of medicine. I doubt you'll like it when it tries to turn you inside out." She went back to human looking, staring down at him. "Never, ever hurt my charge," she said quietly. "That does tend to upset me a bit, dear." She helped him up and put him onto the bed, including tucking him in. "There, all better." She turned and then blocked the hit at her. She snapped and called a bottle, pouring it down his throat no matter how much he choked. "I told you not to try it." She walked over to take Alex. "You, young man, are in deep for taking the stairs. You're much too young and I'm not amused." She walked off with him. "Let's have a talk about common sense, shall we?"
"Tell me how to reinforce that afterwards," Steve said, waving at the baby. "If you were older, we'd all be yelling at you."
Natasha nodded. "I will be. JARVIS, please save down tape of this incident for me so I can show him when he's older. That way perhaps he learns caution and common sense." Wilhelmina was giggling all the way to the elevator. She sighed, looking at her former trainer. "Are you better?" she asked.
He glared at her. "Kill me?"
"No. The child will need more male role models." She walked off. "It only takes one mother but it seems to take a lot of uncles to make boys more normal than our son is at this moment." She went up to help the nanny talk to her idiot, heroic son. Now she knew what he had meant about the 'dumbass' moments.
James slumped, staring at Steve. "I... I wasn't in my right mind."
Clint nodded. "The middle of deprogramming does it to most of us. Natasha nearly chewed her wrists open during hers."
"I wasn't going to really hurt the kid."
"If you're not in your right mind, we can't blame you for those things," Steve said. Clint nodded. "We don't blame Clint for his nearly bringing down the heli carrier while he was under control." Clint winced. "Sorry, Clint."
"It's okay." He walked off. "Let me help the yelling at the kid battle upstairs. They're going to try logic because they're women and he's a guy so he'll never understand it."
Stark left the two alone after a long look at Steve, who nodded for him to go.
Steve righted a chair and sat beside the bed. "Wilhelmina is one hell of a woman."
"What is she?"
"Apparently she's a type of vengeance demon."
James grimaced. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. She's protecting Alex until he's at least six. There's a prophecy thing about them wanting to sacrifice him."
James slumped, but he nodded. "Okay." Steve pulled up that talk so he could watch it. James shook his head quickly. "Wow. Goes against what we were taught when we were little," he said quietly.
"I think there's a different category of those kind of demons." Steve shrugged. "I don't know and the one time I tried to figure that out, the minister I was talking to had a fit. Some of them do that these days though."
"He was a half demon anyway," Stark's voice said. "I caught Wilhelmina mailing him a 'hypocrite' card. Does he want dinner? I'm up to cooking for the moment."
"No thank you," James said. "I've got one hell of a headache."
Steve nodded. "I had one of those when I woke up. My brain felt like this drink they have in some places called a slushie." James shook his head. "How long were you in ice?"
"They had me in some sort of cryogenic storage. I got dethawed to kill people then put back."
"Beats arctic ice then," Steve said. James stared at him. "Long story," he muttered. James reached over to swat him on the head. Steve grinned. "Thanks."
"Still wearing the tights?"
"No, they're tight pants now. Still a bit stretchy though." He shrugged. "Could be worse. I could be wearing something like Natasha wears."
"I didn't need that mental image, thanks," James complained, rubbing his forehead with his real hand. He looked at his metal hand then shook his head. "Now what?"
"We make sure you're fine. We have Agent Coulson do a debrief. He's up to that now. That should take a few days. Then we figure stuff out about if you want visitation?" James gave him a look. "Are you going to be...what do they call them? Oh, baby daddy."
"I'll do what I can for the kid but I'm not ...I shouldn't be around him, Steve. I really shouldn't. I'm not fit parent material."
"I think that's why we have the nanny. Natasha said the same thing about herself." His oldest friend nodded once. "We'll figure it out." He patted him on the arm. "Need anything right now?"
"Not yet. Maybe later."
"Okay. I'm going to check on the kid then I'm going to the gym to beat the crap out of a punching bag again. Stark made me a new one he thinks I can't destroy." He grimaced but walked off.
James went limp, watching Steve go. He looked at his metal hand then around at the wreckage he had made. He got up to put it back to right but he knew he shouldn't be around the kid. Ever. With the urges he had about him, he shouldn't ever be alone with his son.
Agent Coulson walked in and put down a pot of hot water and some instant coffee tubes. Then a cup that had been in his jacket pocket. He looked at James then turned on a video. It was Alex bothering the Hulk. "You're not that bad," he said quietly. "It's a natural reaction that was trained into you. Of course, we would've killed you if you had hurt him." James sighed, looking at him. Agent Coulson smiled a tiny bit. "Don't think we're the least bit nice, Sergeant Barnes. We're not. None of us in this building are; even Pepper Potts has a dark side. You just never see it until we want you to."
He gave him a pointed look. "Upstairs are two master assassins, of the same level you are. There's Captain Rogers, and I know you've seen what he did in the war. Since then, there was an invasion of New York he helped handle. You're mildly fractured but if you were fully broken I wouldn't have let you wake up." He walked off. "Dr. Banner's going to be back down here in about an hour. He said to rest. He'll do a new EEG once he comes down and a CT."
"Sure," he said, watching his son try to beat up the Hulk to get his uncle back. His son...really wasn't right. It figured that his screwed upness and Natasha's screwed upness had made a screwed up, heroic kid that was a bit warped. As proven by the next video, which was him and the diaper changing robot. James shook his head, making himself some coffee. His son was really weird. He had no idea where it came from. He didn't like to have his balls sprayed that way and Natasha wasn't into water play either.
***
Alex crawled in the next morning all happy and smiling. "Booo!" he squealed, patting his napping uncle. "Dada!" James flinched awake and stared down at him. Alex squealed and found a way onto the bed, crawling up until he could cuddle him. "Dada."
"Hey, kiddo. Shouldn't you be doing stuff with the nanny?"
Bruce shook his head to clear it, then shook it again. "No. Not usually. He's usually asleep at this time for his morning nap." The baby beamed at him. "JARVIS, why is Alex wandering?"
"Because someone decided to gas the entire living floor, Dr. Banner. They were defeated by the nice traps Agent Romanoff sent but I wanted the baby safely out of harm's way while people come up to pick things up." Bruce hurried up there. The AI flipped on a baby show, making the baby pout. "Fine, we'll let you watch the screensaver channel, Alex." He changed the channel and the baby cuddled into his father's shoulder, listening to the club music while he watched the pretty colors move.
James looked up. "Is this like a torment for me?"
"Perhaps," the AI said, sounding a bit smug. "We do adore the baby, Sergeant Barnes. He's much more fun than Mr. Stark is at times. Plus he never brings home girls that need fumigated. Miss Potts does adore that about him."
James shook his head, letting the kid nap on his shoulder. He was still a bit freaked out by the kid but it was calming in a few ways. Alex was clearly feeling safe with him. He should appreciate that but it was worrying in other ways that made him tense.
Alex turned his head to look at him, then made a mouth-farty noise in his ear. Then he giggled. "Dada." He patted him on the chest. "Boo?"
"He went to check on your mom." Alex squealed and wiggled, sitting up to crawl up his head, making James move him. Alex did it again. James sat up to look up there. He killed the spider. Alex beamed and giggled, patting his metal arm. "Let's not play with that, Alex."
"Baba?" he asked, patting it while staring at him.
"No, it's not bad," he said quietly. "But you shouldn't like it."
"Dada." He grinned and snuggled in, getting under his father's t-shirt to 'hide'. James was giving him a strange look down the neckhole. Then Alex bit him on the pec, making him yelp and move him. The baby giggled and tried to get under it again.
"You're mean, kid. Now I know you're mine. You're a bit mean and girls like you." He let the baby cuddle him instead. Steve came in and Alex managed to wiggle back under his shirt. "No, not doing that. Thank you!" He tried to get free of him. "Stevie, help. Ow! Mean shit," he complained, rubbing the sore spot. The baby beamed at him. He stared back. "That's not nice. Be a good boy like Steve." The baby cackled and rocked forward to headbutt him.
"I think he's playing with you like a puppy would," Steve said, taking the baby to look at. The baby grinned at him and cooed, petting his nose. "Thanks, kiddo. Want to go see Pepper?" The baby pouted. "You like Pepper." He walked off. The baby fussed. "Shoot."
"We can handle one kid," James said.
"He's probably going to need to be changed soon," Steve said. James shrugged. So he sat down with the baby, who managed to find the way back up onto the infirmary bed and promptly bit his father again. Steve laughed. "Gee, I wonder where he gets his stubborn nature from."
"It got magnified from me," he shot back. "No biting." Alex bit him again, this time on the hand. "Ow, no biting!" Alex laughed. James growled and moved the kid away from him. Alex crawled back over and over until James finally swatted him on the diaper. Then Alex grinned and leaned forward to drool and slobber on his nose. James stared at him. "Who taught you to psychologically test people?"
"Maybe it's carryover," Steve said, shaking his head. "I think he just proved he's safe with you." James stared at him, mouth open. "You were getting really mad and frustrated and yet you only swatted him." He smiled. "Nice to have you back, James." He stood up. "Alex, let's go find Wilhelmina."
"No!"
"That's a new word," he said, picking him up. "C'mon. We'll go check on Mom too." He carried him off, letting him babble at the elevator buttons on the way. The baby was happy and babbling. They walked around the agents cleaning up the mess, handing him to the nanny. "He learned a new word and taught his father that he's very stubborn and he won't hurt him."
She looked at the baby then at him. "Why?"
"Because apparently his father had a doubt."
She nodded. "I know that feeling. There's days when it'd be a great thing. Alex, what are you babbling at?" He cooed and petted the thing only he could see. She looked around. "Magic?" she guessed.
The AI cleared his throat. "There are little energy dots floating around there."
"Magic," she decided. "Okay then. C'mon, we'll talk about magic. Maybe this time you won't need a platoon of chaos mages to help you, you'll do it on your own."
"I believe the magic may be related to Thor," the AI said.
"I'm going," Wilhelmina said. "He'll probably have a bad reaction to me."
Steve nodded, smiling at her and waving at the baby. Sure enough, Thor showed up about ten minutes later. "Thor, nice to have you back here," Steve said, shaking his hand.
"Heimdall has said that weird things were going on here. I came to check on my comrades." He looked at the mess then at his teammate. "Are the others unwell?"
"Someone tried awfully hard but Tony and I got 'em." He walked him off. "There's whole lots you probably haven't heard yet."
"I have heard of the baby and his caretaker." He looked at him. "She is not a friend of mine but I will not smite her for taking care of the chaos source." The baby was gumming on his leg. He looked down. "You are too tiny for armor, young man."
The baby patted him on the leg. "Baba." He patted Steve. "Booo?"
"He's in the infirmary checking everyone over." The baby crawled off calling for Bruce. The elevator opened for him. Steve shook his head. "He's a bit weird."
"I have heard." He patted him on the arm.
Tony Stark looked over. "That's not Thor. He's touchy but not that way."
Wilhelmina peeked out of the hallway, smiling at them. "Are you really here to play with the chaos source?" she asked him. "Because you look good as your brother but I wouldn't let Clint find you. The baby might help him." Thor/Loki disappeared. She grinned. "Chaos sorts *really* like Alex." She walked off, heading down to get him before the diaper changing robot did.
"Calling," Stark said. "JARVIS, please alert Agent Hill that we just had Loki here pretending to be Thor."
"I have done so and she is still swearing, sir. She's worried about the baby. We're connecting you directly."
"I don't think he's going to hurt the baby," Stark said dryly. "Recruit him maybe but not hurt him." He and Steve shared a look, and Steve went to get the kid, handing him to his father. Wilhelmina could guard him in there. They had a crazy demigod to hunt down and banish or kill.
***
Agent Hill walked into the conference room her boss was being chewed a new one in.
"So, let me get this straight. One of your people, and a team of six to eight others, because reports vary," the man on the screen sneered. "Took down your high tech flying weapons platform."
"He had Loki in control of his mind," Fury said.
"So!" the man demanded. "You trained all that into him!"
"Half," Fury corrected. "He had some training when he was recruited, sir."
"Sure, I'm *positive* that the circus taught him how to take down a flying weapons platform! Alert the intel people, George, we have to watch out for those Ringling people to try to take over the US. And god forbid the French ones in Circque du Soleil. They already wanted plans for his weapons platform but now they're going to be worse about it."
"It's not a weapons platform. It's an aircraft carrier that's been modified," Fury said.
"I don't know of many aircraft carriers that can be taken down by a group of under ten people," the man on the screen snorted. "Flying or on the water. Hell, even dry docked it'd probably take more than ten people!" He glared at him. "We'll be talking once you've taken whatever message Hill has for you."
She cleared her throat. "Stark called in an alert, sir," she said. "Loki was back on earth. He was pretending to be his brother and showed up at Avengers tower to talk to them." Fury hopped up, glaring at her. "Apparently some of them were fooled but not all and he apparently was amused by the baby."
"Fuck!" he said, stomping off. "Get Stark on the line."
"He's waiting," she said, handing him the phone. She nodded at the people on the screen. "Sorry, sirs, but this takes precedence. We don't want another invasion." She walked off. They could turn off the system on their end when they got tired of waiting.
"Barton, I don't give a damn what else is going on. Your only job is to take out Loki. That motherfucker is not to live past midnight." He listened. "Any idea where he disappeared to? He has a temple? With priests. Huh. Yes, find that out from the nanny and how she knows." He listened to why. Then he grimaced. "How do we know this?" Hill's computer beeped with an email sound. She checked it and let him see the video capture from the kitchen area. Fury growled. "Really?" He watched the rest and groaned. "No wonder they made him her kid. Find Loki, end Loki, and we'll forget you blowing up a lab." He hung up, looking at Hill. She reran the film, shaking her head. "Anything else we missed about that kid?" he asked sarcastically.
"The baby was the one who realized it was Loki," she said quietly, looking at him.
Fury's bad eye started to twitch. "Really?" She nodded. "We're sure?"
"It was in the background when he first called. Captain Rogers was wondering if Loki had shown up to visit the baby."
"If so, maybe we can bait the trap with it." He stomped off.
"She'll come after you again, sir," she warned quietly. He waved a hand back. She sent that order to Captain Rogers as well. He'd want to help Barton take down the chaos god.
***
Clint hung up. "We're under orders to find Loki and make sure he doesn't make it to sunrise," he told Natasha, who was staring at him.
"Wilhelmina and James can watch him," she said. She looked at the others.
"That's fine with me," Steve agreed. "Let me go tell him."
"I will. Wilhelmina?"
"That's fine, Natasha. We'll be fine."
She nodded, heading down to the infirmary. "Loki just showed up," she announced. Coulson and James were starting the debrief. Coulson stared at her. "We're going to find him. James, it is up to you to protect our handler and the baby. Because if Loki shows up here, we'll need someone who can kill him for us." She stared at him. "He killed our handler," she said more quietly. "He is not ready for battle yet."
"I can shoot, Natasha," Coulson said, standing up.
She stared at him. "I would expect that but it may come to a battle, which you cannot do." She walked off. "We're leaving within five minutes."
Coulson removed the forcefield around the bed area, letting the assassin up. "She's very worried."
"About you," he said, staring at him. "What did he do to you?"
"Used his staff to stab me through the heart from behind. He's also got gifts to create illusions. He used many of them to get me and to get his brother. He also mind controlled a few agents to get his way."
James nodded. "Understood. Let's go find a reasonable place to make a stand if we must." They went upstairs together, him looking around the living room. "Anywhere less open yet still safe?"
"Gym," Wilhelmina said. "The kid can crawl around forever in there. No entries but the doorway and the vents."
"That'll work," James agreed. Coulson was packing an expanded diaper bag.
"Still one an hour," Wilhelmina said, handing him a squishy plastic pack of diapers and the bigger case of baby wipes. That plus stuff to nibble and stuff to make bottles and they were set. James had gotten into Natasha's weapons, which she had left for him. Coulson had spares from Clint. They could make a good stand in the gym.
***
Stark and the others came back tired and slightly successful. They had found Loki twice but he had managed to escape them and the SHIELD agents helping them. They found Thor on the couch with the baby. Stark cleared his throat. "Thor, are you chasing your brother?"
"Nay. There's no real way I could be as he is dead."
"He was here earlier pretending to be you," Clint said quietly. He took the baby, looking at him. "Hi." The baby slobbered on him as he cuddled in. "Did everyone give up?"
"They said they were tracking down a problem that had gotten in," Thor said. "The demon asked after making sure of me. I did not know why."
"The baby draws chaos sorts," Natasha said. Thor gave her an odd look. "He's a specially reborn soul. From his world, apparently most chaos mages thought he was adorable and good to hang out with, even though he did not use magic and he was doing about the same as our job."
"Lady Darcy was telling Lady Jane about such a show."
"That's his natal world," Stark agreed.
"Why was he brought here?"
"There's a prophecy and they want to sacrifice him," Clint said dryly. "That's why Wilhelmina is protecting him."
Thor nodded. "That makes much sense. I had wondered about the shade."
"They managed to keep him alive. Fury never told us on purpose," Stark said, heading for the kitchen. "He need anything, Thor?"
"Nay. He's been delighting me by playing with my hair and gumming on it." He looked at the baby, who grinned and waved. He smiled back. "Some day I'll have a few of you. Perhaps you'll get to sit them." He sat down. Natasha took him back. "He is being good."
She smiled. "He's also going to pee on you. He does it a lot." She walked him off to change him. "Are the adults all right as well?"
"I had them rest. Son of Coul looked exhausted."
"He's just out of the hospital," Stark said, coming back with water for him and Steve. "By the way, your brother got away twice."
"Why did he want to visit the baby?"
"Don't know except that he seems to draw chaos people," Stark quipped. Clint sat down. Natasha came back out with the baby. "Coulson good?"
"Asleep. Wilhelmina's on the floor on the other side of his bed to protect her. James is still scowling." She sat down with the baby, who crawled over to play with Thor's hair again. Thor smiled and patted him, getting slobbered on again for it.
James came out, staring at the baby. "You are loud. He shrieked and giggled and made a lot of noise."
"Babies do that," Clint said. He sipped his water from earlier that had been sitting beside his seat. "Happy or mad babies mostly but all babies make noise. Even deaf babies make noise. He's just as loud as any of them in the park the last time."
Natasha sighed and shook her head. "Don't remind me." She looked at her son's father. "We took him to the playground." James walked off shuddering. She took her son back. "Have you eaten?" He smiled and patted her, then peed some more. She looked at him. "Must you really? James, get the diapers for me please?" she called. The diaper changing robot trundled out and stole the baby to change. "Do not squirt him for too long or make a huge mess this time," she warned the robot. It honked at her and they got to watch the baby having fun with the squirting robot friend and his suction tube when he started to pee again. She face-palmed then got up. The diaper changing robot finished up quickly and trundled off before she could grab it to dismantle it.
Stark was laughing. "I'm so glad I made that one. Alex seems to really enjoy it." He sipped his water to hide his grin.
"All guys like their balls played with and the penis pump was an inspired choice," Clint said dryly. "But aren't you teaching him bad boy habits too soon, Stark? I mean, some day he'll have to take some of your bimbos from you."
"That's fine. By then I'll be too old for bimbos. They'd only be after my wallet at that age." He finished his water and got up before Natasha decided if she wanted to hit him or not.
"Can we please quit encouraging my son to date too young and be the flaming queen sort?" James complained. "He doesn't need to learn to like blowjobs yet."
Natasha groaned, shaking her head. Steve was bright red. "I don't think they do it that way. I've never seen a robotic spraying attachment during a blow job," Clint quipped. Steve moaned and shook his head, getting up to go hide for a bit.
"Nor I," Thor said more quietly. Natasha took her son with her to her room. Thor shook his head. "She is being delicate minded. I'll apologize tomorrow."
"It's fine, Thor. Now and then all girls have those days." Alex came crawling out cooing at something only he could see. He finally pounced the whatever-it-was and laid on top of it, cooing at it. Clint looked at Thor. "Any idea?"
"Nay. Not a one. Illusions wouldn't be tangible." He got up to check then sat back down shaking his head. "I sense magic but not what kind. It's not harmful."
Stark came off the elevator, looking at the kid. He turned on a flashlight, changing filters on the end until he finally spotted something. He shined it over the creature, who was happy to be hugged apparently. "It's got a wagging tail."
Thor got up to take the glasses he was wearing to look through. "That's interesting. I had no idea that bog hounds existed down here."
"They probably don't," Clint said. "Any idea who called one to watch over the sprout, Stark?"
"I have no idea how to find out," he said. He looked at Thor, who handed back the glasses, shaking his head. "No idea?"
"Feels female but I cannot be certain. I'm not gifted in that area. That was my brother and my late mother's doings." Clint patted him on the arm. "Thank thee."
Stark looked at him. "Your brother?"
"No, the thing that got all planes invaded. Dark elves."
Stark just nodded. "Great, elves." He walked off shaking his head. He'd deal with the thought of evil elves later, when his head didn't hurt.
"Toto!" Alex called, staring toward him. "Toto!"
Tony turned, staring at him, grinning. "Did you call for me?" He picked up the baby to cuddle. "I like you too, Alex." The baby gummed on his cheek. "C'mon, we'll go play with Dummy. He needs more fun since we don't need a fire extinguisher anymore." He carried off the babbling one. The baby was so happy.
Clint shook his head. "We've got to teach him more words so he's a real genius and does more than fight."
"He does seem smart and hopefully will grow up strong and wise," Thor said, standing up.
"Your room's still set up, Lord Thor," the AI said. "That way you can rest. I'll make sure the baby can't crawl in to wake you up."
"Thank thee, JARVIS," Thor said. He headed for his bed to rest. He would catch up with everyone the next day.
Clint got comfortable and turned on the tv to relax and destress. There was one blip of an alarm but it was quickly shut up. "JARVIS, is that a problem?"
"Dr. Banner just knocked himself senseless," the AI said. "He's fine and the baby's fussing about him while Mr. Stark checks on him."
"Great. Let me know if I'm needed."
"I will."
Clint went back to tv. Animal planet had cute things that didn't require thinking about. That's just what he needed tonight.
***
Clint had the baby under one arm, a duffle bag on his other shoulder, and a look on his face that boded ill will when he ran into James the next morning. "We're evacuating the kid to the park in case Loki comes back. Grab a jacket, it's windy."
"Why?" James demanded.
"Because it's good for him and if Loki shows up we have a better chance of defeating him in the park by making all the toddlers pounce him for a story," Clint shot back sarcastically. Alex was giggling. "Yup, we're going to let you pee on trees like a normal little guy, Alex. We can work on that walking stuff too."
"Don't encourage that," Bruce called from the kitchen. "We'll all be sorry when he starts to run and walk."
"Ditto," Stark agreed before drinking some coffee. "Have fun, kiddo. We'll be there later."
Alex cooed at him. "Toto!" Tony grinned at him.
Clint looked down at him. "Why does everyone but me have a name?" The baby patted him with a spit covered hand. "Fine. You'll figure it out." He took him down to the secure parking lot. James came off the elevator muttering swears. "Cap's coming in an hour to save you," he said dryly. "It's only an hour. Unless you wanna be a baby daddy?" He hitched the baby into his seat and got in to drive. James got into the passenger side, looking back at the baby. Alex was happily humming today. "Yes, he likes music. The more up-tempo the better." He pulled out and headed for the park. The baby squealed once he spotted trees. He was wiggling to get out of his seat.
"Two minutes," Clint ordered. He parked and let the baby out. "Okay, we'll go visit trees. Calm down!" He let James grab the bag to check over. James nodded at the weapons stuffed between the diapers and wipes, plus bottles. Clint carried him off, taking him to a clear place with grass and trees to sit against. The baby got put onto the grass and squealed as he crawled around. "See, I'm your favorite uncle for a reason, kiddo." The baby spotted a dog and stared, drooling some. "No, leave the doggy alone. We don't know that dog." He pulled him closer to check his diaper. "I'm so glad you're not peeing so much today."
James looked around, then took the kid to look at. "You're. Loud." The baby squealed louder and leaned forward to gum on his nose. "Sure, crawl. Stay with us." He put him down. The baby crawled off. Clint got him to bring him back. The diaper bag got put down in the baby's way to make him change direction. That helped because he spotted a tree he wanted to pet for a while. James shook his head. "He's so weird."
"All kids are weird. They're learning everything." Clint glanced around then back at the baby.
A woman with a baby came over. "Aww, are you two together? He's a cute son."
Clint grinned. "The baby's his, I'm just being a good uncle so the mom can sleep in today."
She cooed. "That's sweet of you. Is he supposed to be eating bugs?"
"Nope." Clint hopped up to grab the baby and remove the worm from his mouth. "You're not a bird. I'd know if you were a bird." He sat down again, letting Alex stare at the woman's baby. He finally let out a squeal. The little girl answered with her own. "Very friendly, nephew." He grinned at her.
"He's adorable." She looked at her daughter. "He's very sweet, just like you are." The baby got put down and they looked at each other. Alex got free and crawled over to figure out this new person. The little girl let him pat because she got to pat back. "That's very nice of you, Amanda." That same person jogging with their dog came back and Amanda crawled off looking determined. "Where are you going?" the mother asked, following her.
"She spotted the dog," Clint said.
She looked at her daughter. "You're too young for dogs. They could hurt you or lap you or something."
Clint watched Alex crawl over to where the dog was peeing. "Alex, let the dog use his diaper," he called.
The dog barked and sniffed the baby, licking him. The owner shook his head, taking the dog off. Alex squealed and tried to follow but nope, she was too fast. He pouted at Clint, pointing and sniffling.
"Ask Uncle Tony and Mom when we get home," Clint said dryly. "C'mere." He patted his lap. "Come help Daddy do stuff. He's got stuff and stories." Alex pouted at them. Clint got up. Alex laughed and crawled off. Clint caught him a few feet later and brought him back. "You need to be bigger to run away or play tag, little guy." He sat down.
"Dadada?" Alex said, staring at him.
"What? Want a story? I don't tell great ones but sure." He pulled him over to sit in front of him, staring at the baby while he told him a story in Russian. It probably wasn't kid appropriate and he wouldn't traumatize the normal kid. The baby grinned at him for it. "You're really strange."
Amanda's mom laughed. "All babies are weird. Let's go have nummies, Amanda. You need to nurse." She waved the baby's hand. "He's sweet. Bye." She walked off talking to Amanda about other babies. Socialization is important.
Clint looked at James, who was shaking his head. "Nurse?" James asked.
"She's breastfeeding."
James shuddered. "I don't think the kid needs to see that."
"He's tried a few times," Clint said dryly. "Including to Bruce. He got Steve the other night on the couch. JARVIS caught film of it." He grinned. "And of him trying to get Mom one night while he was napping on her."
"I can't imagine her doing that," James said, looking at his son. He looked like he was concentrating. "What are you thinking so hard about?" Clint sighed and pulled over the duffle bag to pull out the stuff he'd need to change him. "That's..."
"Him laying a load. A huge load by how red his face is. Or we've fed him cheese." He waited until the baby sighed in pleasure to pull him over to change him. As soon as the fountain of pee started he aimed him at the tree next to them. It'd only help the tree. Alex giggled at that. Once he was done, Clint flipped him over again to wipe his butt and powder it then put on a new diaper. He let Alex crawl off without pants but the baby fussed. "See, now you know why you need to wear pants. That way you don't want to streak." He put pants on him and let him go back to crawling around the grass. He got up to toss out the diaper because James was looking disgusted.
"That was really nasty," James said.
"They can get worse," Clint complained. "Much worse." James shuddered. Steve strolled over sipping from a bottle of water. "That's not Cap," he said, grabbing the kid while James grabbed weapons. "Loki."
Loki changed back, staring at him. "I don't want him."
"Funny, he tends to draw chaos," Clint said. James tried to pounce him but he disappeared. "He's queen of the mind fucks," Clint said, glancing around. He pointed. "Sparkly so he's there." He looked up as Iron Man landed on top of the sparkly spot to break it. "Thanks."
"Welcome," he said, looking at the unconscious god of chaos. "I think we'll have some fun with you." SHIELD agents came jogging over. "He went boom." He walked over to the staring kid, staring down at him. "Hey, Alex." He patted him on the head. "That's a good boy."
Alex reached up to pat the hand on him then he looked at his father. "Dadadadada?"
"No, my metal hand's not like his," Tony said, waving it. Alex stared at the guy in the iron suit then babbled and patted it. "We can look at the armor at home, kid." He flew off. Alex squealed about that.
James shook his head. "He's going to grow up really strange."
"And really smart," Clint said. The agents were bundling Loki up. "Be careful, people. Remember, he's sneaky and has illusion skills." They stared at him and nodded. One frowned at the baby. Clint grinned. "This is the kid Avenger."
"Clearly," that agent said. "Congrats, Hawkeye."
"Not mine. I'm a good uncle."
"Oh, dear. It's Stark's?"
"Nope."
"The Captain wouldn't...." Clint shook his head. "Banner?" Clint smirked. "Romanoff had a kid?"
"Someone made him in a lab," James said dryly. She stared at him then flinched.
"He's under Coulson's firm control," Clint ordered. "Ask Hill." She called in a babbling report about them. Clint looked at James. "They haven't been that excited since a few caught Thor shirtless."
"I'm not built like him. I know some guys who'd think about man sex thanks to him."
"Definitely," Clint agreed. They gathered the baby up and stood up. "C'mon, we'll let your Uncle Tony teach you about the suit. Maybe someday he'll make you one of your own."
"My son is not going to be a heroic sort," James ordered.
"You saw that video where he came back, right?" Clint said with a grin.
"I did. I'll yell more than he thought I was then if he turns into an Avenger." He followed Clint off. They ran into Coulson, who took the baby from Clint. "He's obviously peeing again."
Coulson nodded. "He does that a lot. We can change him at the car." They walked off. The SHIELD agents were all staring in horrified awe at them. He ignored it. Rumors ran SHIELD. Within a day they'd have him being an Asgardian and immortal too.
Fury stomped over while they were changing the giggling baby. "Great, he's loud."
"Wilhelmina said all babies are loud. If they're not, there's a problem," Clint said dryly. "He's missing his diaper changing and ball spraying robot."
"Stark?" Fury guessed.
"Yup," Clint said dryly. "It's very helpful." The baby pouted at them when he got redressed. Clint smiled and waved. "Into the carseat so you can ask Uncle Tony about his suit." The baby got put into the carseat, even though he fussed and whined and wiggled.
"Calm down, Alex. We're going home. You can roam after Mom." He finished hitching him in and stood up. "Have fun with Loki, sir."
"Are you coming back, Coulson?"
Phil stared at him. "I would've killed everyone who had touched the kid." He closed the door and walked around to get in the other side in the back. "Who's driving?"
"Me," Clint said. "I'm not sure if Barnes can." He got in to drive. Barnes got into the front, shaking his head. The baby was still fussing. "Want to drive out for lunch first?" he suggested, starting the engine and backing out.
"Please. Car rides are supposed to knock kids out," Coulson said. That and telling them stories was all he understood about kids. Alex was a great learning environment for him too. Clint drove off and the baby was still fussy. Clint drove them downtown and it was better. All the sights made the baby stare. The lights made him coo. Then Clint paused long enough to get him some applesauce from a small store. That made him happier when his uncle fed him and he still got to see all the sights. He finally fell asleep and the three guys all sighed in pleasure. Clint took him home, letting Coulson carry him upstairs.
Coulson handed the baby to his mother and smiled. "We went for a drive."
"I realize all males like cars," she said.
"And lights," Clint quipped. "Times Square was a big hit."
"That's good," she said, looking down at him. "A nap is a very good idea." The baby stretched out on her shoulder, sucking his thumb with some of her hair. "Fine, we will sit and read." She got comfortable on the couch with him on her shoulder. Wilhelmina came out but she waved her off. "He's sleeping."
"That's always a great thing," the nanny said with a smile. "Let me know when you're tired of the drool." She walked off. "I'll be doing his laundry."
"I think I got one of his t-shirts in with mine," Clint said, going to get it for her. She smiled at him for it. Clint collapsed in his chair, turning on the tv but turning it down when Natasha glared at him. He put his feet up and relaxed.
Nick Fury showed up an hour later, scowling. "He's still in custody." He stared at the motherly looking assassin and the one next to her. "Did we really deprogram him?" he asked with a point at James.
"Yes," Coulson said. "I've gotten a full debrief from him." He held up the USB key with his report on it. Fury took it, shaking his head. "He can figure out how much attention he wants to pay to the baby and the rest of us." He smirked a tiny bit. "We don't expect you to move in if you don't want to."
"Thanks. Nearby but not here." He looked at the baby. "I think he's up. He's peeing again. Your shirt's wet." She put down her book and took the baby to change both of them. The diaper changing robot scurried after her. James sighed and shook his head. "That's still too weird for my kid."
The baby came crawling out naked and grinned at this new person, hugging him around his ankle while peeing on him.
"He must like you, sir. He did it to the rest of us when he met us," Clint said. He heard the fart and sent a text at Stark to send up a cleaning robot or two. Stark said he was watching it on the security camera.
The diaper changing robot trundled out to pick up the baby, blowing air at him to make him laugh as he carried him off. The suction tube went over his tiny penis to contain the stream of pee and Natasha handed their former boss some paper towels.
Fury wiped off the biological deposits then looked at his assassins. "Do you really want to do mommy duty?"
"We have the nanny, who does much of that for me," she said with a smile. "Though Clint is very good at it as well."
"Boooooooo!" Alex squealed.
"And he does love his uncles, including Dr. Banner." Bruce came out looking like the baby had gotten him up. "You can not let him get away with things, Bruce."
"I was done with my nap anyway." He looked at the smiling boy. "Did you have a good day?" The baby babbled baby noise at him, cuddling him around the throat. "Let's make some tea. You need to learn how to do that properly." He walked around Fury.
Clint looked at Natasha when she sat down. "Everyone has a name but me."
"I'm not sure why since he spends so much time with you," she admitted. "I'll teach him yours." He grinned at her.
"Booooooooooo!" Alex squealed.
"If you're feeding him, he's like a cat," James called.
"I know. I think that's why he likes to follow me to the lab." Phil walked in and took the baby. "He's fine, Agent Coulson."
"I know but I was going to help him calm down." He put the baby down and was getting onto the floor with him when the baby suddenly crawled off looking determined. "He has that same look on his face, Natasha." She sighed and grabbed weapons, going after the baby. Coulson got helped up by Clint and they followed with James and Fury. They found Pepper struggling with some thugs and stepped in to save her. Coulson looked at the one he had punched. "What was the point of your visit today?"
"We'll still win," he said, reaching for something.
Natasha took the baby away from Bruce as he started to change, handing him to Coulson to evacuate. The Hulk wasn't used to Coulson yet. He might think he was a threat. The abductors/idiots/whatever they were, they were scared of the Hulk. One even nicely peed. The diaper changing robot came down to help clean him up too. That made Pepper start to laugh until she nearly cried. Clint walked her off to hand her to Tony, who had been knocked out thanks to a flash grenade. It had disabled a good bit of the AI as well. Natasha looked at them. "What were you planning to do?" They yelled and tried to scoot away from the Hulk. "I require the answers in a language I understand, and I do speak a number of them but not that one. Try again." She stared at them. "Hulk, please stomp on this one's hand. He has a bomb switch," she said with a point.
"Hulk stomp," he agreed, doing that. The guy screamed as his hand was broken in multiple places. "Good stomp."
"Very good stomp," Clint agreed, patting him on the arm. "So, guys, an answer? Three of us are assassins and one of us is a spook. Then there's the Hulk. Which one do you want to save you?"
"We were going to take her hostage to get the Iron Man suit," one shouted. "Please don't hurt me!"
"We'll see," Natasha said, pulling him up. James searched him and the others. They disabled the bombs and handed them to Fury, who had called people to arrest them.
Once everything was calm again, Fury looked at Natasha. "It's only made you meaner."
She smiled slightly. "Thank you." She strolled off. "Let me check on the son. Before he hears another alarm from JARVIS."
"We have *got* to teach him better," Barnes complained loudly. "He is not allowed to become heroic!"
Clint shrugged. "Make sure you start early once he can understand instructions. Before we give him my bow, Cap's shield, and his mom's guns." He grinned. "Or make sure he hangs out with more chaos mage sorts."
"I don't think I could take magic either," he admitted with a scowl. Steve and Thor came rushing off the elevator. "All gone, guys."
"What happened?" Steve demanded, looking around then at him.
"People who wanted the suit tried to take Pepper hostage. The kid heard that silent alarm since JARVIS is partially down." He nodded back at Fury.
"Director, do we need to make any plans?"
"So far they're begging for mercy," he said. "The Hulk broke one's switch and hand." Clint grinned.
Steve nodded. "That's great. Is Pepper okay?" he asked Clint, who nodded and pointed. "Thanks. Let me check on her. Thor, are you okay?"
"I'm fine. I would help if I'm here," he reminded them. They all nodded. "Then let us check on the baby and Pepper. I'm sure the Man of Iron is busy soothing her."
"He got knocked out first," Clint said. "It knocked out the AI."
"Great," Steve muttered. "We need to guard against that. Why hasn't Tony done that before?" He walked off.
"Probably hasn't come up," Clint said. "Or it's set on standby and didn't have time to come up." They watched as Alex crawled off the elevator by himself and headed for Thor to cuddle his leg, grinning up at him. "So," he said, looking at James. "Did you do any research on those chaos mages who used to consider him a fantasy being they could crush on?"
"I did. The two that are known to be here and using magic are both in the city for some reason. Chad DeFloa is a bit worrisome."
"Loki's high priest?" Thor asked.
Both male assassins stared at him. He changed back to Loki. "I had no idea why he was doing so and I really did come to see what my minions were screwing up." He tried to disappear but the baby stopped him. He sighed, looking down at the grinning baby. "Let. Go." He shook him but the baby bit him, making him yelp. "Child!" Clint punched him. He huffed. "You were a terrible minion anyway." Clint decked him again but Loki almost managed to get out of the way. The baby giggled and pulled something out of his shirt. The nice one had given it to him. He banged it on Loki's leg. Clint spotted it and took it, using it to fire on the idiot bad guy. Loki went down clutching his stomach, glaring at him. "We'll see who pays for that."
"I can kill you," Clint offered. "Thor will grieve a bit but not that much. He already thought you were dead."
"You will not and cannot do so." He tried to stand but the baby crawled up him and sat on his head. "What are you doing!" James grabbed the baby and walked off to talk to his strange little son. Loki stood up. "That child is very wrong."
"He's from another realm and all chaos mages thought he was the greatest thing ever," Clint said with a smirk. "Including the you there's high priest." He shot the laser at him again. Loki faded out. So Clint hit him with a dye pack. That helped the invisibility thing stop. Steve came back up to pounce on Loki from the stair entrance. Natasha came back up to help as well. Bruce was still calming down. They wouldn't need him right now. Clint grinned. "Welcome back to New York, Loki. How was your visit?"
"Not as charming as the last time," he sneered. "You're still a pathetic minion."
"That's because I was already Coulson's minion. He's the only one I listen to. My whole SHIELD file says that. Should've read it first."
Coulson cleared his throat. "Boys, let's make sure he cannot escape and he cannot cause any more problems."
"I can have someone deliver something harsh and street drug-ish then sell him to the Russian mafia," Natasha suggested. "He's pretty enough and they'd like to have someone like him."
Steve looked at her. "That's cruel. We can just hurt him a whole lot and then hand him back for their super prison holding."
"Pity. I could gain some new contacts if I sold him." She changed her stance. "There's the Yakuza. Some of them might like him as well."
Clint shook his head. "Not really. The Russians run the toughest brothels out there." He stared down at Loki, smirking at him. "I could actually get behind that plan."
"That's too evil," Coulson ordered.
"Fine," Clint complained. "It'd pay him back nicely for the mind control thing he did."
Stark came off the elevator with two tubes and an airgun. He shot both vials into Loki's neck. "One's a tracker. If he shows up here, we'll know where he is. It's rated for at least a human lifetime and probably won't break down to more than radiation. We haven't tested it in more than mice. The other's a good behavior encourager. Each time I hit the switch, he gets zapped." He handed it to Natasha, who smiled and set it off. Loki screamed. "See?" Stark said with a smirk.
"I like it," Clint said, nodding some. "A lot. Almost nicer than handing him to a brothel run by the mob."
"There is a certain elegance to getting rid of people that way," Natasha agreed. The baby came back cooing and happy but James was following to grab him again. "He's stubborn."
"I can tell."
Stark took the kid. "You don't want to play with that bad guy, Alex. He's mean to your Uncle Clint." He pointed at him. "You like that one too much to let him get booboos from that bad guy. We'll get you a better bad guy to play with. I'm sure there's some somewhere in the city." He walked off talking to him. "Do you want a mean gang boy sort of bad guy? Or a bad girl? Or do you want a magic using bad guy? We might be able to find one of those with Thor's help." The baby was babbling and patting him, looking happy.
Natasha considered it. "I don't know many I'd trust to be around him but I do know a few who would fit at least that first category." She looked at Clint, who shrugged. "Madeline?"
"She's not really a gang member. Cult member, yes, but not a gang," he said, frowning a tiny bit. "But her brother's nicer and he's religious but uptight and thinks he's the Second Coming. Could do the kid some good to learn about religious stuff some day."
She nodded. "It may. Though it might warp him." She shook her head. "I wouldn't mind Madeline but her sexual domination cult would have to be left there so they couldn't influence the child into wanting sex slaves when he's old enough."
James shook his head. "I know a few semi-decent mob daughters," he offered sarcastically. "I had to take out their fathers."
"With the way the kid likes bad guys, introduce them," Clint quipped. "He might really like them."
Natasha nodded. "At least they'd be able to protect themselves if something happened." James was giving her a strange look. "He'll have to be able to protect himself."
"Yeah, but not yet. He's too young for target practice."
She smirked a tiny bit. "We can start with the less lethal childhood versions by Nerf."
"All kids like Nerf," Clint agreed. "They even make a bow one."
James looked at him then at Natasha. "We could make him go into medicine. All of our kind need understanding doctors who know what they're doing."
"True, and he's probably going to be fairly smart. I can see that being his career of choice with the way he likes to fuss over people." Fury moaned and walked off, having the agents take Loki now. She and Clint shared a smirk then she smiled at James, who walked off shaking his head.
Steve shook his head quickly. "I can almost see him doing that." He walked off rubbing his forehead. For some reason he had a headache.
"We can teach him medical stuff soon," Clint said. "Teaching him how to apply bandaids and bandages can be done early on."
"It can," Natasha agreed, walking off with him. "We should plan to nudge him in that direction while making him think it's his own idea."
"Yeah, he's got your stubbornness so if we push he'll go the other direction and might end up one of those priests who rides a Harley to convert bikers at rallies."
She shook her head. "I'd hope not." They went to calm down for a bit and check on Bruce. They could help him calm down.
***
Alex was crawling around in circles the next morning when everyone got up. Wilhelmina was crashed on the couch. The baby was being quiet but happy crawling around in circles. There wasn't anything he was playing with, no toys on the floor with him, just him going around in pretty precise circles.
Stark came out still half asleep and stared. "JARVIS, any sign of magic?" he asked quietly.
"No, not that I can find, sir."
"How long has he been doing that?"
"He should be dizzy by now. It's been forty-four and a half minutes," the AI reported.
Natasha was watching then sighed. "Son?" He looked up and blinked at her, grinning at her. But he was still crawling in circles. "Did someone curse you, son?" She picked him up but he struggled to get down and go back to his route. "Thor?" she called. He came out stretching and yawning, and without a shirt. "Is there magic around him?"
Wilhelmina blinked up at her. "No. Though he might be trying to summon something. Willow came back again last night." Alex scowled at her. "How many more laps do you have for the mystical thousand and one?" He snorted and went back to it.
Thor picked the baby up to stare at him. "There's easier ways to summon things, Alex." The baby beamed at him and blew a spit bubble. He put him back down. Now he was crawling in the opposite direction. Yup, there was magic. "He's doing something." They could all feel the magic building. "Alex, if you summon them here, will something bad happen?" he asked.
Suddenly a man appeared. He was overly thin, balding, and looked pissed off. He stared at the baby. "Why. Did. You. Call. Me?"
The baby stared at him then smiled and patted him on the leg. "Baba!" He grinned at Thor then at the stranger again. "Baba."
The man picked him up and laid his fingertips on the baby's head with a sigh of disgust. "Oh, them. I'm going to rend Rosenburg into witch fat candles." Alex scowled at him. "I don't know why she came to complain to you about the upcoming apocalypse battle they're going through. She knows you can't do anything and it'll just make you feel miserable."
Wilhelmina sat up. "She probably didn't think about that, Lord."
He stared at her. "You're..." He pointed at Stark. "Working for him?"
She grinned. "I'm Alex's nanny."
He handed him over. "He's damp." He looked at Thor. "I'll handle Rosenburg." Alex was still scowling at him. "I won't kill her. I'll let her *coven* do that. And I'll protect Dawn," he sighed when the baby started to fuss. He slumped and shook his head. "I hate owing you three life debts."
Alex leaned over to slobber on him. "Baba." He grinned. "Baba." He pointed at Thor. "Bababababa."
He read his intent then smirked. "I doubt I could pull Loki to our world, Alex," he said dryly. "Though it'd be nice. It might even be a good thing for a few of the slayers. At least then the chaos mages would have someone to follow instead of you." He patted him on the head. "Grow up with better fashion taste and more sense, okay?" The baby laughed at him. "I know, that might not be possible."
"We're working on the clothing issues but he's still him," Wilhelmina said dryly. "He pounced the Hulk to try to get his favorite uncle back."
The mage stared at her then shook his head. "Damn. I didn't think even Xander was *that* weird." He disappeared.
Wilhelmina smirked at the baby. "Tell. Me. I'll help you call. Okay? I have a phone that'll do that." The baby cuddled and cooed at her, grinning at his mom. "I hate your ex's," she muttered, standing up. "Let's change you then your mom can ask you about your former lover, who was a higher level chaos mage." She carried him off.
Thor shook his head quickly. "I could tell the power." He headed for the kitchen. "We need food."
"We need to detox the baby from his former life," Natasha said, looking at Stark.
"If I knew how to do that," he said dryly.
Wilhelmina came out with the semi-naked baby. "There's over sixty poker debts he's owed and it can always help you guys." She held him up in front of Bruce so he could see the baby's back. "Cortizone?"
He ran a finger over the bumps. "Fleas."
"Cortizone," she decided, taking him to put that on his rash then get him dressed.
Bruce frowned. "How did we get fleas?"
"Hellhound seeing eye dog," she called back. "The damn dog thinks he's the best toy ever. They all do."
"Is there one living here?" Stark asked.
Wilhelmina carried Alex out, smiling at him. "One of your lawyers has him as her seeing eye dog, Mr. Stark."
"Oh. Is that bad? Do I need more coffee before I go tell Pepper?"
"No. It's very protective and they're all very protective of the baby."
He nodded, walking off to grab coffee. "That's good."
Natasha looked at her. "What help would his former poker debts be?"
"Well, you can win weapons," she said dryly. "He won a few notable ones over the years." Natasha's eye almost twitched. She smiled. "He could also sell someone to them. A lot of demons would like that." She carried the baby into the kitchen, putting him into his highchair. "Let me make you breakfast, Alex." Clint handed over a piece of his toast. The baby grinned and gummed it. "That'll work for a few minutes, so thank you, Clint."
"I like the little guy, weird stuff and all."
"This is probably only half as bad as Xander used to be. He once had two imps show up to ask his opinion on a royal imp wedding because the queen wasn't sure which one she wanted to marry. They wanted a 'normal guy' opinion so asked him." She looked at him. "He started a civil war by saying neither one of them were worthy of her because they hadn't proved themselves worthy. Their camps started a war against each other so the princes could be worthy. Xander heard and showed up to remind them that pointless wars didn't prove a man's worth, them going in single combat did. That way no innocents could be hurt.
"They managed to kill each other and Xander pointed at one of the knights and suggested him because he was hideous, which imps like, and he was clearly honorable and a strong warrior, which meant no one would want to overthrow her for stupid reasons. Then he gave her a pointed look and then at the people suffering. Lo and behold," she finished with a grin. "The knight said he could only marry a maiden who believed in helping people, which she was nowhere near. So he set his brother and her up while she learned how to actually help her people. They're still at peace five years later." She went back to warming up oatmeal and formula.
Clint looked at the baby. "Are you actually a Barton?" The baby gummed on his toast, staring at him.
"It's possible," Wilhelmina shot back with a grin for him. "Are you from that other realm too?"
"Not likely." He sipped his coffee. Stark was shaking his head.
"Not even you could handle that level of weirdness," Natasha said as she sat beside her son.
Coulson cleared his throat. "He can be an honorary Barton. Perhaps it'll slow things down. Clint's usual weird things can counteract Alex's."
Natasha looked at Clint. "I'm already an honorary uncle," he said dryly. "I love the little peeing guy." Alex squealed but it was because his breakfast was ready. "I think he doesn't like me."
"I think he does. He pees on you less than anyone else," Natasha said.
James was shaking his head but he walked off before he said anything too mean. He didn't want to have his ass kicked this morning.
***
Alex looked around then huffed. One of his uncles felt bad. The uncle person had felt bad for days. He crawled off to find him, even though his nanny didn't want him to. She was scowling. He scowled back and continued his search. There he was and the nice voice from the ceiling opened the door for him. His uncle looked over at him. He crawled up to him, headbutting his leg.
"What's up, Alex?" Clint asked, picking him up. The baby leaned over to bite him on the cheek. "Hey! If you're going to be mean to me I'm not going to play with you anymore." The baby huffed. "What's wrong?" The baby put his head on his shoulder. "Need a nap?" he joked. "I guess I'm comfy for that."
"Mama."
Clint looked at him. "I'm not quite built that way, little guy." He sat on the bed, letting Alex cuddle him. He patted him on the back then had to get up to clean up the spit up the baby had sent down his shoulder. "Eww." He cleaned them both up and looked at him once he had taken off his t-shirt. "What's wrong? You only go looking for people when they're in trouble." Alex stared at him. Then he smirked at him. "Is that 'I need a new diaper' or I'm being sneaky?" Alex patted him on the arm. "Why don't I have a cute name?"
"Mama." He beamed.
"I'm still not Natasha, Alex," he said dryly. Alex leaned closer and he had to catch him before he fell. Alex stared at a scar, patting it while looking up at him. Clint looked then at him. "Got shot by someone in Lithuania." Alex gummed on it while staring at him. Clint sighed. "Don't do that." He sat down. The baby crawled into his comfy spot and cooed at him, playing with the soft hair. "I like you too. So why did you come see me?" The baby didn't answer but kept cooing at him. "Sure, I needed the cuddle." The baby bit him on the neck, making him yelp. "Gee, thanks, kiddo. So much for mushy feelings."
Alex grinned at him. "Mama."
"No, not the mom."
"You make a better mother than I do," Natasha said from the doorway. "Alex, want changed?"
"I think he's okay," Clint said.
"It's not fair he doesn't pee on you," she complained.
"I think it means he doesn't like me." Alex bit him again. "Ow!" He pulled him off, handing him over. The baby grinned at him. "You're mean."
Wilhelmina walked in and stared at the baby then at Clint. "He thinks you're just like him only bigger." She took the baby off to clean him up. He was drooling more than a St. Bernard.
The two assassins shared a look. "I guess that's nice, especially since he was calling me mom," Clint quipped.
Natasha shook her head quickly. "I do not want to imagine seeing you pregnant, Clint." She walked off shaking her head.
"I'd make a fantastic mom," Clint said quietly. "I might even breastfeed." Then he shook his head. "I don't need that mental image either." He laid down for a nap before that image stuck. He could almost see his stomach swollen and Natasha running her nails over it while he laid in a hospital bed.
***
Alex looked around the table that night, then stared at his mother. "Mama?" She smiled, giving him a bite of her noodles. He turned his head. "Mama!"
"I'm right here, son." He scowled at her. "I am." He went babbling 'mama' over and over. She sighed. "Son, please?" She caught a clue. "Clint, dinner!" she yelled. He came in yawning a few minutes later. The baby babbled and reached for him.
Clint stared at him. "Still not the mom." He gave him a hug and the baby grinned, accepting the noodles by grabbing them from his mother's fork. He sat down, pulling over the bowls so he could eat.
"When did he start calling you mom?" Tony asked, grinning at him.
"This morning. He decided I needed a cuddle and called me mom. He bit me a few times too." He looked at the kid. "I had really strange dreams thanks to that."
"How bad?" Steve asked, smiling at the baby and handing him a piece of broccoli to gum on.
"Stark rescued me from a lab that stole me from SHIELD and implanted everything. He had to go through you to get to Nat and by the time she found out I was nearly seven months along but not showing all that much. I was unconscious in a speciality hospital, not sure if they were keeping me down or not. I woke up to her patting my stomach after tracing the bump with her fingernails."
She tested his forehead. "You're not running a fever."
"I didn't have anything like that before the kid started to call me mom." The baby was grinning at him. "We love you anyway, kiddo. Even when you give me weird dreams." The baby giggled and kicked, gumming on his food. Clint looked around then at Natasha. "Wilhelmina out?"
"She got called out by her boss," Stark said. "We can babysit tonight." Clint shrugged but nodded and dug in. The baby threw something at Clint, making him look up. The baby grinned. Clint grinned back. The baby went back to eating until Clint looked down. "You might want to move," Stark warned.
Clint and Natasha shifted seats. The baby cooed at Clint, petting his hair with his messy, damp hand. "Thanks, Alex," Clint said, looking at him. "Maybe I should bring you out to help me find women to date." The baby grinned and petted him some more. Clint gave him a hug. That stopped the petting because Bruce gave him more noodles to suck on. That made him a happy baby.
Natasha smiled but shook her head. "Perhaps you're a brother to him."
"Maybe," Clint quipped. "He sounds a lot like I used to be." When they were done eating, they put the baby down, letting him crawl off toward the loud area. Bruce was watching the news so the baby went to stare at the loud thing that was making his uncle unhappy. Clint and Natasha cleaned up the dinner mess, including putting the dishes into the dishwasher. Then they walked out to grab the baby, making him squeak.
They settled on a couch to read their books with the baby crawling between them to be read to whenever he wanted to change. Bucky got a few stares by the baby for looking at a newspaper, but the baby didn't want to give up the cuddly ones he had. He ended up resting on his uncle's chest, watching him read. His was a happier story. Clint was drifting off too so that was nice. Alex cuddled in for a good nap.
Steve looked back at the unhappy noise, smiling. He kicked Bucky, nodding back there. That got everyone else's attention. Stark took pictures through his AI. Bruce was trying not to grin. Alex was very nicely trying to get a free meal off his uncle's nipple. Steve looked at the others, who all shrugged. They had no idea if they should wake Clint up or not. Steve coughed loudly because the baby still sounded really unhappy he wasn't getting anything from his chosen natural source.
Clint jerked but stared down at the baby. "I love you dearly, Alex, but those don't give milk," he said quietly, breaking the suction with a finger. "Sorry, little guy. Not for you to suck on." He cuddled the grumpy baby. Natasha woke up with a small flinch. "Here, let's put you down so you can sleep."
Natasha looked at him. "I think he's awake." She took him to cuddle. "Let's get you changed and into jammies, Alex." The baby fussed. "You can nap in my room for a bit." That made him happier. Natasha carried him off to bathe him. "What were you doing that woke me?"
"I woke up to him nursing," Clint called.
"He's little, he doesn't know that men don't produce milk. I'm sure it's a normal thing," she said, staring at her son. "It's a nice thing even though you are not nursed." She got him changed and they curled up together to read to him. It made him quit fussing. She drifted off reading to him. It was a quiet night and she needed the rest. She didn't feel that Alex decided to see if she gave milk while he slept.
***
Wilhelmina showed back up in a slight sparkly column, then shrugged when Steve and Bucky stared at her. "One of my coworkers is an idiot." She smiled. "Alex do okay?"
"He's napping on his mom. He fell asleep to her reading," Steve said.
"Awww."
"We caught him nursing on Clint," Bucky said.
"Babies are like college guys, they're all about the boobs," she said, cracking him up. "Even if the boobs can't do much for him." She walked off, peeking into Natasha's room. She smiled, leaving him there. She apparently didn't mind.
Natasha had woken up at the movement of her door but the nanny had left. She looked down, prying her son's mouth off her breast. "Not yours," she told him. "You have a bottle, son." He whimpered and tried to get it back, wiggling closer. She shifted him up so he was on her shoulder. He found her neck to suck on but it wasn't making him happy. "We will work on things," she said quietly. "I'm sorry I'm not the mother you need to be normal." She took him to change and put into his crib. He was a huge mess but it had been hours since he had been changed. He pouted but went back down once she laid him down. She went to shower and go to bed. Thankfully there were no pictures of that.
***
Tony woke up the next morning to a fuzzy feeling that something wasn't right. He blinked around his room: no press people hiding, no Pepper being upset, no Pepper having a hissy fit, no stand-in for Pepper that was trying to not get kicked out of her morning after, or his morning after, or their morning after. So what was wrong? He felt an itchy feeling and a slight tug, looking at his chest. "So that's what woke me," he said, rubbing over the baby's head.
"Kiddo, you're on a bottle, not one of those." He tried to pull him off but the baby had Barton level stubbornness this morning, if not Rogers level stubbornness. He called Pepper. "How did the baby climb in with me? Because you know everything, Pepper, and I can't get him off me. No, not pulling hair. Well, yes, pulling some chest hair. Yes, he is," he said when she guessed the problem. "Okay, I can do that. Thanks." He hung up and took a picture for her. It was sweet of the kid. He wiggled a finger into the baby's mouth and used the lack of super suction to get free. "There, that's nicer. And hey, you didn't pee on my bed like you do yours." He picked him up.
Alex blinked at him. "Toto?"
"Yup, it's me, Alex. You climbed in with me. How did you do that?" The baby leaned over to cuddle around his neck. He let him but got them both up before the baby decided to pee heavily on them. He'd do it in retaliation for taking away his nipple pacifier this morning. "Are we missing someone?" he asked as he walked into the kitchen.
"I didn't know we were but Natasha's in the gym with Bucky," Steve said, taking the baby. "He climbed in with you?" The baby was quietly babbling baby noise into his shoulder while he patted him on the back.
"I think he was hungry too," Tony said.
"You can tell by the hickey," Clint said, pointing his coffee mug at Tony's chest. "He's got really good suction."
"Yes he does," Tony said, sitting down. "How did he get out of bed?" They all shrugged. "JARVIS, did you let the baby out of his crib?"
"No," the AI said patiently. He put up security footage from the baby's room. Wilhelmina had put him down in his crib and went to bed. Then a bright, happy glow had lifted him up and out, putting him onto the floor. "I'm afraid I didn't realize your door was open, sir. He tried Dr. Banner's door but it was closed and locked last night."
"I don't really think I'd enjoy waking up to being nursed on," Bruce said into his coffee.
"It feels weird but he's a good little boy," Clint said. "Got mom last night too." The guys all grinned at that.
Natasha walked in, blotting at the sweat on her chest and neck. "Are you up already, son?"
"Yeah, after something took him out of his crib so he could come latch onto my nipple," Tony said.
Natasha stopped moving while making her breakfast to turn and stare at him. "He did?"
"He woke me up nursing," he said with a grin. "Pepper said it was probably adorable."
"Yes, it probably was." She looked at her son, who was snoring on his uncle's shoulder. "We will have to figure out how to break that habit." She got back to making her own breakfast. James walked in and sat down next to Steve, tipping his head to look at the little guy. "He snuck out last night to go nurse on Stark," she said.
"At least he can't give him some funny disease through his milk. I've seen it happen with wet nurses before." He took the baby when the baby stared at him. "What's up?" The baby yawned and rested on his metallic shoulder, going back to sleep for now. "At least you're cuddly today instead of a holy terror."
"Such tiredness usually means he's growing," Wilhelmina said as she walked in. She carefully took the baby and walked off. "I've warded your room so no mean witches from any sort of plane can bother you, Alex. Not even Willow or Dawn." The baby babbled quietly but didn't seem unhappy.
"Do everyone else's room please," Stark called after her.
"I'm going to do that later. I need a few things to do that," Wilhelmina quipped. "He'll love herb shopping later."
"Does he need to know more about magic stuff?" James complained. Clint nodded. "Why?" he demanded.
"Because apparently he's got some gift for it," Tony said to spare Clint. James seemed to be a bit jealous of Clint at times.
Alex got put onto the couch once everyone was done with breakfast, and they let Wilhelmina know that he was there on their way to do their daily things. She came out and found him not there. "JARVIS?" she asked, sounding patient. "Where is he this time?"
"He's been taken down to one of the storage rooms. A little...being, I'm not sure of his classification or nature, brought him down there and said something in a language I did not understand." He ran the tape for her.
She blinked. "Aww, one of his poker buddies died so they're settling his debts. Lead me down to him please." She got onto the elevator and went down to a room that was about as large as a gym. She walked in and the hiding spell ended when she waved it away and broke the crystal holding it. "Which poker debt died?" she asked the cooing baby. He was cooing while petting some of his new weapons. "Was it a big poker debt, or one of the medium ones?"
"If you did not hear it in that film, I'm not certain," JARVIS said dryly. "Are those all weapons?"
"No. That's a body part," she said with a point. "If you combine it with the right stuff it'll make things that explode."
"I should tell Mr. Stark."
"Tell his mom first please. She'll probably be able to do an inventory." She walked over the few piles of things to pick up Alex. He pouted at her and grunted, pointing at the weapons. "You can pet them while your parents do an inventory. Okay?" She smiled. "I wonder if I can get your copy of _What To Do With Demon Parts_." She called her boss from her cellphone. "Boss, which poker debt died and paid off the kid?" She nodded at what he said. "Okay, so a medium one. Do we have a copy of his demon parts manual? His preferably since it'd have enhanced notes? We have a few here and I'm not sure how to store them. Thank you." She hung up and caught the book a minute later. She grinned at the baby, who cooed and patted it. "That's right, you wrote this. You're very good at this sort of thing."
Clint leaned in the door and whistled. "Damn."
"One of his higher poker debts died so they paid him off." She looked at one thing then shook her head. "I don't know why they'd use that. It's taller than two of them stacked together." She smiled, handing him the baby and the book. "He wanted to help you do an inventory."
"Sure.... we can do an inventory," he promised weakly. He walked in, looking around. "Is that an ear?"
"It's in the book," she quipped, walking off to find the others. She found them in the gym. "Natasha, James, Clint and the baby would like to have some help doing an inventory of his former poker debt. One died and paid him off. Anything that's not a weapon should be in the book." She walked off.
The two assassins looked at each other then went to check on the baby and Clint. The baby was cooing and petting the weapons Clint was looking over while he started an inventory list. She started to laugh. "Oh, my," she said finally.
"You're hysterical, Natalya," James said in Russian. "Calm down. Even our son won't like weapons this young."
"Bullshit," Clint quipped. "He's very happy with weapons." He pointed at the baby, who was presently hugging an assault rifle and petting it like it was a pet.
"Jeez," James muttered, coming over. "Son, let's not pet that."
"It's unloaded," Clint said. He handed them sheets and new clipboards appeared thanks to the AI. "Thanks, JARVIS."
"I'll send in the diaper changing robot when he needs it, Agent Barton," the AI said. "Have fun."
Clint moved the baby and the gun. "Here, I'm going to give you your own stack, Alex." He opened a case and checked it over then put two unloaded guns into the case with the launcher tube. "There, pet those for me?" The baby grinned, cooing at them and patting them.
Natasha stared then looked at the baby's daddy. "Which sides does that come from?"
"I don't know," he admitted. "Damn, that's ....that's... we need a picture for whatever sort of baby book he has."
"JARVIS, please take numerous pictures of the cute baby moments," she ordered.
"I'm taking film. You can pick and save down individual frames, Agent Romanoff."
"Thank you." She and James took different parts of the stacks to look over. "Is that an ear?" she asked, spotting it. Clint tossed her the book. "Our son wrote a book on what to do with demon parts." She flipped through it, finding pictures. She found that ear under the 'ears' section, blinking hard. "You can turn that and three other parts into two types of explosives or a metal eating formula?" She looked up. Clint and James both shrugged. "Interesting. It says it should be dried." She checked it. "It is dried. We'll pack it somehow." She put it aside and went back to the inventory they needed to do. Anytime James ran into a part, he handed it to her since she had the book. She'd look them all up later. By the time they got a quarter of the way through, Stark and Rogers were there with Bruce behind them. "Bruce," she said, holding up the book. "It's well sorted by part." She pointed at the part pile. He flipped through it, grimacing. "We have more than enough to make a few different explosive compounds."
"Wow," he said. "Your son was weird in his last life," he decided. He pulled them over to look at them. The AI gave him a clipboard with paper thanks to the diaper changing robot. Alex screamed and refused to give up his weapons when it tried to take him. Bruce looked over. "He likes them more than the ball spraying."
Tony looked over, walking over to pry the baby off. "You need that changed. You can have new weapons when it's done. Okay, Alex?" He grinned. The baby waved a dagger he had in his hand. The robot took him to change and then put him down in a pile of weapons behind his father's back, the stuff he had already done. The baby pounded on a few cases but the robot opened them for him. The baby squealed and climbed on top of something to coo and slobber on. Tony stared. "JARVIS, pictures?"
"Film, sir. You can choose which frames to save down as individual pictures."
"Good. Pepper will like that. It's...too damn adorable for me. I might turn to mush." He went to look at some of the weapons. "At least none were Stark gear," he muttered.
"No Stark in his original realm," Clint quipped. He held up something.
Tony took it to look at. "Like something I developed but not quite." He handed it back and walked off, going to talk to Pepper. Fury was in there nagging her about something. He walked around the desk. "Go away, Fury." He turned on her computer and got into the security footage, letting her see it. "JARVIS said someone paid off an old poker debt in his last life."
She stared. "Are...is that a weapon?" she demanded.
Stark looked at her. "That's a lot of weapons, Pepper, and the baby likes them more than the diaper changing robot." She upped the frame size so she could watch. She was almost smiling but trying to scowl. "We can save down individual pictures."
"I... I want to be upset since they're weapons."
Tony nodded. "Nothing from us." Coulson walked in with Hill. "Coulson, they could use some help inventorying the poker debt." He waved him over to see.
"Awww. His parents must be very proud." He walked off. "Second?"
"Third. By the alternate gym." He looked at Pepper. "He has demon parts that were given to him."
She pointed. "That's a huge red stone and I don't think it's a ruby."
He leaned down to look. "I don't think so either. Huh." He went to look at it.
She turned off the monitor, staring at the director and his second-in-command. "Sorry, the baby's doing cute things." She smiled.
"Can't his nanny handle him?" Fury asked.
"Why? He's fine right now." She smiled. "I don't know what you expect to happen, Director Fury, but we're not interested in many proposals these days. You have a *great* day." Fury snorted but stomped off with Hill following. She turned back on the monitor to watch the baby being adorable. He had a whole stack of weapons to pet and love, and he was trying to kiss a few of the swords for some reason. When a battle axe got put next to him, she could swear she heard the squeal without the camera feed and he instantly flopped over to wrap himself around it and suck on the dual heads. "Awww."
***
Steve carried a fussing, struggling Alex out of the weapons. "It's time for you to eat," he said calmly and quietly. "You've got to eat. You can help with the inventory tomorrow." He handed him to Wilhelmina since she was waiting by the elevator.
"I know you love weapons. You can pet the exploding babies tomorrow, Alex," she said, walking him off to put him into the high chair. His food was already prepared and waiting on him. Even if he did scream and struggle to get away from it. "Alex!" she chided. "You can see them later."
Clint walked in and dropped a demon ear on his high chair tray from behind. Alex cooed and gummed on it. Wilhelmina scowled at him but managed to feed him around it. He was trying to 'feed' the ear but that was a baby for you. Clint grinned at him. "Your mom and you can handle the rest of the pretty things tomorrow. Even the pretty sword with the stones like some ancient knight's." Alex's eyes went wide as he stared at him. "Is that important?"
"Don't know," Wilhelmina said with a slight shrug. "I wasn't into weapons before." She fed the baby another bite of dinner. "Bring it up to let him see it." Natasha brought it up and let him see it. Alex gave up his ear to reach for it. He patted it, frowning some. They all heard the sword giggle. Alex grinned and patted it again. It cooed back. "Is it possessed?" Wilhelmina asked.
"I have no idea how it could be," Natasha said. "I don't understand those rules." They looked at the nanny, who shrugged. "Can we find some way to tell?"
She sighed and put a hand on the sword, grimacing. "Rosenburg needs beaten." The baby squealed, throwing up his hands with a grin. "I know, that's your job. Sire!" she bellowed, feeding him another bite. Alex was cuddling the ear while eating for her.
D'Hoffryn appeared with a sigh, staring at the sword. "It's not Excalibur."
"It's giggling and it feels like a Summers sister," Wilhelmina said dryly. Alex babbled and patted it. It giggled back. "See?" Her boss laid a claw on it and huffed. "Rosenburg?"
"Yes, the fucking bitch," he muttered as he disappeared with the sword.
"Hey!" Alex complained loudly.
"Hey, a real word," Clint said with a grin. A few minutes later, a different but still decorated and pretty, sword showed up for him to play with. It was even sharper. The baby patted it with a coo and begged for food.
The assassins shared a look then shook their heads. "At least your kid is going to be badass," Clint said with a grin for her.
"Yes, he will be. Even if he follows Bruce or Stark into the labs." James and Steve came out of cleaning up together. "The other sword was possessed or something."
James watched his son pet the demon part and the sword. "At least he loved guns just as much." He sat down.
Steve nodded. "Artillery too. How did he get that?"
"Poker debt," Wilhelmina said dryly. "The kitten poker circuit will sometimes even out what you're owed by giving you something of equal value to the cats if you don't need a herd of them. It'd be like giving you a good knife instead of a few dozen bushels of apples." She smiled at Natasha. "That was his third biggest debt owed." She fed him the last of the first bowl and switched to the oatmeal. The baby hummed but ate it while playing with his toys.
"What's the biggest one?" Clint asked.
"It's not technically a poker debt but they won't admit it's a life debt and the guy played a crappy hand of poker to turn it into one. Xander kind of, sort of, killed a huge demon while drunk that was bothering the king's harem." Clint moaned, shaking his head. "And somehow the non-breeding wives sort of went into a breeding frenzy, for the first time in a century, thanks to watching Xander with a battle axe and crossbow." She fed him another bite.
"They all turned out to be daughters, which weren't as wanted, but the one son that was formerly alive pouted himself into straightening himself up because they could name a queen if he was still a little shit when he grew up. So it straightened out a highly important clan in Africa. The people who take bets in Vegas were *very* amused by Xander and his drunken week of hanging out to solve problems that was his vacation between slayers he was training. Especially since he didn't do anything spectacular or unusual, and most of the time didn't realize that he was doing more than taking out something harmful that was trying for him."
She smiled at Natasha. "Technically they owe him three of the daughters by tradition, but he's waved them off since they're not compatible sexually. They lay eggs and Xander doesn't. Though, his ex that ascended to be the Messenger for the Powers That Be, thought it was just so adorable of him and suggested he take one in since he was kind of open minded."
"He slept with demons like you?" Steve asked.
"His almost wife was a former vengeance demon. She had gotten fired. They nearly married but he walked away from her at the altar because her former coworkers showed him how miserable they'd be. Which got her the former job back but he made her go from torturing guys who pissed off or hurt their women to having a conscience and giving it back up." Steve gaped.
She smiled and nodded at the baby, who grinned back. "I know you missed Anya horribly while you were in Africa. Everyone said they hoped you found someone nicer to you than she was. Someone who didn't want to talk you into torturing people with her before having sex." The baby cackled and waved his free hand then used it to pet the sword again. "That's very sweet of you, Alex. Let's hope you find someone nicer this life. Someone who will put up with your amazing stamina."
"He had good stamina?" James asked.
Wilhelmina grinned at him. "He was doing construction work, patrolling, then going home to a very demanding girlfriend who was *very* concerned about how much sex she got - and it was never enough." Alex fussed so she grinned and fed him more. "Are we hungry tonight, sweetheart? Did the weapons make you hungry?" She let him have the rest of the cereal then a bottle of formula. He cooed, curling the hand holding it around the elbow holding his demon ear. "C'mon, I'll take you to the couch so you can lay there and pet them at the same time."
"Put something over the blade please," Natasha said.
"Of course. He'll get cut if I don't." Wilhelmina laid a pillow over the blade but let Alex curl around the hilt while sucking on his bottle and his demon ear being held tight against his chest. "You rest. We'll eat and come play." He cooed, snuggling into the cold metal. "Good boy." She went to make herself a sandwich and walked off. "I'm still sorting his clothes out because he's growing."
Natasha wanted to bang her head on the table but wouldn't do that to herself. She looked at Clint. "Maybe you are related?" she suggested.
"I can treat him like a good little brother," he said with a grin.
"Please. It may calm that down," she said quietly.
"He's not allowed to travel without a bodyguard," James said. "Even when he's an adult. That way he can't drunkenly take on higher demons to kill."
"We've all decided that we're going to be teaching him common sense long before he's a teenager," Steve said, patting his friend on the back.
"We can use Stark's former stable of bimbos to teach the little guy what good girls aren't," Clint said.
"Hopefully that'll work," Steve said. "Any who are dangerous that he'd like?"
"Don't know," Clint said. "Ask Stark."
Tony and Bruce came in. "I heard," Stark said. "Yeah, there's a few." He sat down, leaning over to look at the baby then at them. "JARVIS let us hear that talk." Natasha looked at him. "At least you won't have to worry about a college fund."
She nodded slowly. "I didn't need the help to set one up, but I don't think we can sell many of those weapons."
"No, I'm against selling them, but you can make your former boss pay to use 'em," Stark said with a smirk.
"I'm not against that," she said, looking at James.
"We'll take twenty percent off the top," James said. "The rest goes to his upkeep?"
She nodded. "I could like that plan but he may be heartbroken if he finds out his new friends were taken," she said quietly, looking out at him then at her ex. "I think he's getting attached."
"We need to test one of those recipes," Bruce said.
She nodded. "We have enough to make many of them multiple times." He smiled at Tony, who smirked back, sipping his protein and stuff shake. "Tonight?"
"After he's down. That way he can't help." They got dinner and settled in to eat. Once Alex was down in his crib, still with the demon ear in his hand, they went down to make one of them. It didn't go off so they all walked off. Until the huge explosion went off and started to burn the parking lot with a flame hot enough to melt the concrete under the asphalt, and all the cars that were trapped. Stark stared. "Wow. Must've had a delayed reaction." They watched as the fire department tried to put out the fire.
By the time it was finally burned out, the subway under the street was exposed and some of that tube was cracked from the heat. The water pipeline had been burned through and hadn't helped. The firemen stepped back and relaxed, staring at the hole. Then something reacted to the water and started sending the bits of leftover concrete, asphalt, and rebar into the air as projectile weapons. Stark had a shield to help protect everyone from it. That finally ended an hour later. Stark sighed, looking at Natasha. "I'm wondering what they used it for."
"I do not want to know what needed that," she said. She nodded at the huffy fire chief that came stomping over. "We were trying a recipe we found in a book that was given to a child we care for. It did not say it would do that." Stark opened the book to show him.
The fire chief stared at the recipe then at Stark. "Anything like a controlled environment?"
"I don't have that here. That's in Malibu. I'm sorry. We'll pay to fix it."
The Chief nodded. "I have no doubt you will be, Mr. Stark."
"We only used a quarter of the recipe's strength," Bruce said quietly, rubbing a thumb over one of his eyebrows. "It said it might be explosive. It had a delayed reaction." The Chief stared at him. "That's why we cut down to quarter strength." He shrugged, shifting his stance. "There's Fury, Barton."
"Going," he said, going to distract him. "Director, it was a demon part explosive we tried at quarter strength. Someone gave it to Alex."
"What would need a baby to have something that did that!" Fury demanded with a point, glaring at Clint.
Clint shrugged. He went back to get the book and brought it over. "It's in here." Fury stared at the title then at him. He grinned. "He wrote it in his last life. Apparently it came in handy."
Fury snorted, flipping through the sections. "How many parts did he get?"
"An old poker debt paid off. He's been petting an ear and a sword for quite a while. It made him *so* happy to pet the sword." He smirked a tiny bit.
Fury snapped the book shut and handed it to him. "If the kid becomes an agent, he comes to us, Barton."
"Talk to his parents, sir. I'm just a happy uncle." He grinned.
"Teach the kid your weapons too," Fury said, looking at the mess then stomping off shaking his head. "We want a copy of that book."
"I'll tell his mom, sir." He walked back to the group. "Fury called dibs if the kid becomes an agent and we're to teach him everything we know."
She took the book back, shaking her head. "I'd rather he not turn into an agent." She walked off. James was still staring at the hole in horrified awe. Steve too. Stark was talking to Pepper and the Fire Chief was looking smug at how much she was chewing him a new one. Bruce nudged Steve and nodded. He nodded, walking off tugging on James' arm to bring him out of his horrified awe.
"We are not letting anyone else have a copy of that book," James said once he was in the living room. Alex was staring out the window, sucking on the edge of the demon ear. He picked him up to take the ear from him. "You need something better to teethe on before it makes you sick," he said at the fussing. "Sorry. You can pet it tomorrow." He handed him to Bruce.
"Booo!" he creeled, pointing at the ear.
"Tomorrow. For now, let's do a bath and get ready for bed, Alex." He walked him off talking to him about the explosion.
"Fury demanded a copy of the book," Natasha said.
James shook his head. "I don't think that anything they could get into needs that sort of destruction. Do you?"
She shook her head. "Not really. Then again, we are not under SHIELD authority at the moment."
"Fury wanted first dibs on your kid if he became an agent," Clint quipped with a grin from his usual seat. "Told me to teach him my bow."
James looked at him. "I think he might already know them."
"We only found crossbows. Bit different," Clint said.
"Whatever!" He stomped off, going to his room and slamming the door. Steve and Natasha both winced at that.
"I think he's a bit ...weirded out," Steve said, getting up to follow his best friend to calm him down. He tapped on the door. No answer. So he walked in. "Hey." James was sitting on his bed staring at his former uniform. He sat down in the chair. "If you want to disappear for a while, we'll all understand," he said quietly.
"Then my son will be even worse." He stared at him. "This is going to go the wrong way, no matter what I do."
"You can't help who he was. This is all from his last life."
James snorted. "That's not real comforting. If it is, then why did they pick me and her?"
"Because you're both strong enough to help him heal?" James frowned. Steve got up and got something then came back to hand it over. "I found a bar a few months back and walked in to see what sort it was, trying to find somewhere that reminded me of that bar in France we used to take a breather at." He sat back down. "Turns out it was a demon bar." James grimaced. "They were all peaceful, and they assured me they were peaceful ones." James flipped through the book, frowning at something.
"That's the unauthorized biography of who he used to be. There's obviously some carry over, but they assured me it was at least eighty percent right and written by people who had watched all that." James looked up at him. "I had nightmares," he admitted very quietly. "The first time that didn't involve you and a train or the war, but it gave me horrible nightmares for weeks while I read it." He crossed his feet. "We can help him be more normal."
"You hope." He read the first few pages, grimacing at what it was glancing over. "We knew kids like this."
"We did," he agreed, his voice just this side of sarcastic. "They didn't have the knight-like qualities that Xander did. They used to call him the White Knight." James shuddered. "I can see why. Wait until you see him possessed."
James looked at him. "Will it make me look at the kid differently?"
"He's only half Xander in this life. We can steer him more toward being your son Alex." He stared at him. "Though, I'll be trying to put in common sense as soon as he might understand."
James looked up from reading. "Do we think it'll work?"
"My mother taught me common sense. You used to have common sense."
"You kept forgetting yours, Stevie. That's why you kept picking fights with guys twice your size."
"They started it." He shrugged a tiny bit.
James shook his head, going back to reading. "Has she seen it yet?"
"No. She hasn't asked."
"I'll...." He paused and reread a section. "He staked a lifemate."
"I saw that." He grimaced. "I'm pretty sure that's what made him a hunter. Then he couldn't give up and let more people he knew die, even if he did tell her that he wasn't going to allow one tiny girl to do it all on her own."
"We would've done that." He frowned as he read, grimacing. "Yuck." He turned the page, going on. "How are they doing the page thing?"
"It's magical. Who knows." He grinned. "If you wanted to study magic...."
"Fat chance. Have Barton."
"I'm not sure what would happen if he did get magic. That might be really weird."
"Maybe. Less strange than this though. Cheerleaders?"
"Yeah," Steve snorted with a smile. "It's a tv show to us. I watched them with Natasha. She was not pleased. Especially at how well everyone could ignore him in the most loud, eyesore clothes. She kept getting up to get a sudden drink."
James stared at him. "I'll do that after this." He went back to reading, shaking his head as he changed the page. "Fuck."
"Harvest?"
"No."
"Just wait. It gets worse." James looked up so he nodded. "It gets worse."
James kept reading while Steve stared. He got up to pace a few times but then he collapsed a few minutes later and kept going. "Is it possible the eighty percent was exaggerating battles?"
"No. I asked that a few days later, after I had read that. They may have made Anya more hyper, they may have made him seem more stubborn. May have made him seem happier to be in the middle of that since a few times they weren't sure if he was depressed, but that's literary license because heros don't get to be that upset with life or humanity."
"Do people want to be him?"
"A few now and then. Warriors maybe." He shrugged on one side. "I don't know. I...I admire him for the strength to do it, but I wanted to save him and help him find a normal life. Help him heal, help him find that sense of humor he lost somewhere in there, and probably was going to turn him into you."
James cracked a smile. "I can see the resemblance in the stubbornness." He went back to reading, one eyebrow inching up. "Please let that be a typo," he prayed in Russian.
Steve got up to look over the edge of the book then shook his head. "Nope." He sat down. "That one was both in the show, in the book, and mentioned by the demons."
James got up and walked out, holding up the book so Natasha could read it. "Steve found an unauthorized biography."
She took it to read that page, then looked toward the nursery. She looked at him again. "I'll be damned," she said in Russian. "There is no way that will happen."
"He reminded me so much of James," Steve said, coming out. "And that's not the worst. Really. Wait until the town falls in." They both stared at him. "After high school and after he almost married." Wilhelmina snorted. "Was it that bad?"
"I've read that and yes, that's about eighty-five percent right. They made him look a tiny bit more sane and less stressed so warriors could look up to him. He's like the Klingons he used to look up to as a teenager for them." She went back to sorting laundry. "We're going to have to get him a lot of new clothes soon."
"We can do so," Natasha said. She blinked at the page again then looked at Steve. "Will I be swearing or drinking?"
"I had nightmares," he admitted. "And if I see him dating someone like Anya here, I'll be reminding him what a real relationship should be." Wilhelmina burst out laughing. "She wasn't nice."
"No, she wasn't. He did good helping her find her former humanity. A bit too good of a job but he did a good job at it." She smirked a tiny bit. "Then again, there's not many people like Anya in this realm, Steve. Relax about that? You have at least a decade before he can date."
"More like two," James said.
"Modern teens date around fourteen or fifteen."
"Chaperoned so he can't knock up some girl," Clint said. "I think we'll introduce him to Stark's former bimbos so he understands what not to touch without a hazmat suit." Tony glared at him. "Some need it."
"They didn't when I was with them."
"Great. So you were the turning point in their lives?" Clint asked. "What did you do to them to make them think it wouldn't get any better?"
"I'm just that good," he shot back, still glaring. "How bad?" He got up to get the book, looking at that page. He went a bit pale, rereading it quickly. "Fuck."
"Basically, yes," James agreed.
"No, that's later, with Anya," Wilhelmina quipped. "Before then it was mostly something he felt he had to do."
"Thankfully he's only fifty percent Xander now," Steve said. "We can teach common sense."
"We can teach him not to try to tongue the guns," Clint quipped sarcastically. "Or the knives."
"He will be taught to respect and use of any and all weapons," Natasha said firmly. "He'll need it." James snorted, staring at her. "He will."
"Probably, especially if we don't stop him."
"You can't stop all of his nature. Nor can I. We want him able to protect himself. Even if we do give him a constant bodyguard to hang out with."
James swallowed. "I read a book with that."
"As have I." She smiled slightly. "It would be good for him."
"It might." He walked off shaking his head. "We'll see what we can figure out and how to start making him sane." He slammed his bedroom door again.
"Hey!" a tiny voice called. "Mamama! No!"
Natasha sighed, getting up to make him go back to sleep. Phil beat her there and was reading to the baby by the time she got to his room. "Thank you, Coulson."
"Welcome, Natasha. He's a special thing that we'll make sure grows up decent." He looked at her. "I got sent a copy of the book." She grimaced. "I can help." She nodded, leaving them to bond. He needed more normal role models. He looked at the staring baby. "Let's get back to the story." He turned the page and went on. Alex yawned and fell asleep, curling up on his side to suck his thumb and snore a tiny bit. He smiled at the purring. "No wonder you do that," he said quietly, getting up and sneaking out. The baby needed some common sense and stronger, more stubborn, people to help him grow up almost-normal, like his Uncle Clint was.
Maybe Alex would take a hint and not put on a SHIELD uniform.
***
A Baby (Future) Hero.