In London a week later, Buffy rushed into the office, turning on the tv in there and changing the channel. The news people were going on and on about people suing the government over HYDRA and their children. Giles watched, slowly reaching for the phone. Then they had Andrew giving a statement to the leachy reporters that hung around the Council house. Giles put down the handset, shaking his head. Buffy looked at Giles. "I think Xander went evil."
"I think Andrew started it," he corrected. "Xander's not been sleeping according to a few of the girls. They're a bit worried how he'll snap on a bad thing."
Buffy sniffled. "We can't let them teach the girls to be evil, Giles."
"Send Faith back," he said quietly. "She can help and if there's an assault or something she's more used to bad things." Buffy nodded, texting Faith's phone. "Perhaps we should consider moving the girls off the main campus. Xander had the idea of us starting a farm for the house's usage. That way they got enough food cheaply enough for them to be of use. The tiny ones could live there with a few guardians who were doing parental duty."
"As long as they couldn't treat them like they were before," Buffy said. "I'd never allow that."
"Me either." Giles smiled. "We'll figure it out."
She nodded. "Thank you for calming me down, Giles." She went to talk to the other girls. They could help Andrew from a distance.
***
Faith walked into the slayer house that night, dropping her bag on a chair. "I got sent to help," she called.
Andrew walked out to hug her. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine. Be less gropey. I just flew back from Germany."
Xander came down the stairs. "You need to rest. We've already done patrol tonight and Sarah's out on a club hunt." Faith grinned. "You might lock the doors unless you want to be studied by stuffed animals."
"Yeah, I can do that. Kids are creepy, even normal ones." She noticed a stuffed wolf, pointing at it. "I can see that they're very curious stuffed animals." She walked halfway up the stairs, staring at the little boy with a grin. "I'm Faith. I'm a senior slayer. What's your name?"
"Arlin," he said with a grin. "You mean?"
"No, I'm not mean to good boys and girls."
"You cookies?"
"I love cookies but I can't make 'em."
"You cuddle? Stories?"
"When I'm not doing stuff maybe."
Arlin grinned. "Good girl you." He barked, holding up his wolf. She patted it on the head then him. He giggled, running up the stairs.
"Let me put them back in bed," Xander sighed, walking around her to go up to the kids' room. "The tiger, rabbit, wolf, and sheep all need to be in bed please." The kids giggled, running back to bed. He tucked them back in, staying up there to read another story. Tony came in to help, letting Xander go do household paperwork instead. It was really nice of him.
Faith grinned at Andrew. "I heard they had your evil plan birthed?"
"Nira. She's a good girl but can't have formula and a few other things with a certain preservative. It makes her stomach back up and her gassy."
"I've seen that happen to other kids. Let me crash."
"Sure. We'll go over patrol stuff tomorrow," Andrew promised. She smiled, going up to take back up her room. She was barely asleep when she was woken up by the feeling of staring. She looked at the stuffed rabbit staring at her from the edge of the bed, rolling toward it to look at the kid. "I'm not really cuddly but why are you in here?"
She grinned. "Candy?"
"If I had candy, I'd eat it, kiddo. Slayers all like sweets and we don't usually share them." She patted her on the head. "Go climb in with daddy." She ran off with a laugh, going to do that. Faith got up to lock her door again, plus push in the door stop from the backside so it couldn't be opened by magic. She had forgotten that two of the kids had magic. Toddlers with magic might even be worse than Rosenburg.
***
Faith watched the kids run rings around the adults the next morning until Xander came in, then they settled down. Joy was still being cutesy but Xander put up with it. Andrew huffed some but the kids all hugged him for breakfast, which prompted the slayers to do that. It made Andrew happy. The kids headed off for school, and the little ones got Xander in the gym for a bit. Including his. They were good kids and he didn't slack on Joy's training with the boys. She got just as much hell as everyone else did. Faith grinned at Xander for that. "Good job making sure she's normal."
"She is normal. Even if her other daddy is a genius, so far she's just a girl."
Faith nodded. "That's good for her." She punched him on the arm, and promptly got kicked by Jesse and Arlin. "Hey!" She glared. "I can hit him on the arm."
"Not hit daddy," Jesse warned. "We be mean." Henry held up his tiger and went 'Grrr' at her.
"She's allowed, guys. Relax," Xander ordered. He grinned at her. "They're a bit protective."
"Which can be nice. Maybe it'll mean you date better assholes." She strolled off. "Andrew, what'm I doing today?"
"Patrol means no chores," he said with a smile. "But a few of the minis need new clothes. Sarah's been too busy."
"I can handle that. Even if I can't shop like B can, I can handle kiddy clothes." Andrew handed over a list, car keys, and the house's shopping card. She gathered the minis and went to the stores on the list. The kids had fun. Even if a few adults glared the kids had fun picking out shirts, especially if they thought Arlin would think it was cute.
***
Xander stepped into the courtroom, dodging the attempt to hit him on the head. He looked at that person, who was now restrained. "I'm sorry, I may be blind on that side, but I'm still living on battle nerves," he said quietly. He walked up to take his place, nodding at the lawyer. "You summoned?"
"The judge wanted to talk to you about your part in this lawsuit," he said. "Be succinct, be honest, be firm," he hissed.
"That's fine," Xander agreed. He looked at the judge, who was staring at him. "Yes, Your Honor."
"You're Alexander Harris?"
"I am."
"Can you prove that with ID?"
Xander pulled his old Sunnydale ID out to hand to the bailiff. "I unfortunately left my present ID in the car. It's locked in the trunk."
"I don't know why you would do that."
"It was in the diaper bag," Xander admitted. "Which is locked in the trunk."
"Oh." He looked at it then at him. "This was before whatever injury happened?" Xander nodded, taking off the patch but keeping that eyelid closed. "I can tell it is you. The patch changes your look." He handed it back. "Are you sure it's in the car?" Xander handed over his wallet. The judge looked then nodded, handing it back. "Mr. Harris, how did you find out about your children?"
"A regional militia found what they thought was a group of people sellers. They went to take them out so they couldn't work in their territory. They found the files and one knew how to contact me for major demon emergencies so called when he found my name on four of the ten files."
"You have four children?"
"I have five children, Your Honor. HYDRA had a second attempt at making future agents. They activated and had born a child between myself and Andrew Wells."
The judge blinked. "You're both male."
"From what has been explained to me, it's a simple nucleus switch. I don't pretend to know science, sir."
"All right. Can you prove they're yours?"
"We did DNA tests. Was that not in the files? If not, I can have someone send them to me. I have the originals at home. The US embassy in Tanzania ran the tests for me. The lab was found in Zambia but there was a watcher there that I could shelter with safely for a few days while I worked on things and the Zambian government wanted to deny they existed. Though they did not hinder the FBI coming in to gather the kids that weren't mine or the embryos they didn't want to deal with it."
"Were they implicated in HYDRA?" the judge asked.
"No. They were hiding that one of their higher ups was in control of a demon."
"Oh," the judge said. "Is he still being controlled?"
"No, the attack in Lithuania a few months back had that demon dying. So he's technically free and can fight for full freedom."
"That's good." The judge looked over the files. "Here's your file on the children." He looked up. "Did you have a lot of problems getting them papers?"
"I had to go over three different people's heads because they refused to understand that we didn't have birth certificates since they were born in a lab. Finally the counsel there suggested we do the DNA tests that the FBI was going to run anyway. He had them done in a US accredited lab down there. That led to paperwork and by then, a higher up was aware and took the files from the lab to make the birth certificates after I chose their names."
"They didn't have names?" the judge asked.
"They had numbers, Your Honor."
"Oh, dear."
"HYDRA didn't really seem to care what happened to those kids but they're mine and I do."
"I can agree with that," the judge said. "I've got statements saying you've threatened people?"
Xander smiled. "I'm a tad bit overprotective over the slayers and my children, Your Honor. Especially after we've pulled bombs out of my hotel room thanks to some of my former coworkers." He handed the bailiff the paperwork he had gotten from the NYPD, still sealed in an envelope. "We've also had attacks on the house not only by HYDRA, but also by zealots. We've had one of my former coworkers call a supposed social worker, who was not one, and she brought HYDRA'd officers to back her up. I can only assume why since her car had things to draw blood and spinal fluid." He handed that file over as well.
The judge looked those over. "The detective included a note saying he didn't know why you needed that but if it helped he was all for them being fired." He read that over, frowning. "This other room that was used?"
"Rupert Giles, the head of the Watchers Council, Your Honor," Xander said. "We were having a senior watcher meeting."
"Hmm." He looked the other things over. "What if someone there wanted visitation or challenged your custody?"
"I'd like to see them try," Xander said dryly. "Especially since they're not biologically related to them." The judge nodded that was true. "All I know is that I had not donated any sperm at that time, I was too young. I was seventeen when my DNA got tainted and the samples they used were from before then. That means they were using underage sperm. From where I'm not sure, or how."
"Girlfriend perhaps?"
"No. Before then I'd only had one lover and I didn't use a condom, and they didn't get to her the single night we had a few fun minutes together. My later one we stopped at groping in closets. I never donated and as far as I know I wasn't ever knocked out that way. But the DNA does date to before my DNA warping event in my senior year when I was seventeen."
"You can tell?"
"They'd have to warp my DNA for it to have worked, Your Honor. Someone looked at that issue for me and said that there was no way they took the time to unwarp my current DNA to make the children, it had to be from before then. If not, at least one of the children would've come out with scales."
"Why are you warped that way?" the judge asked.
"In my senior year there was a slight epidemic of people turning black, slimy, and eating other students. I joined the swim team to find out why. It turned out the swim coach *really* wanted to win and exposed us all to mermaid taint via the sauna we used after practice. I had a full blood transfusion to keep myself from changing but I show about three chromosomes difference thanks to that. According to the scientist that looked at my present DNA there's no way that they could have made it normal enough for conception to happen with a fully human woman's egg cell."
The judge grimaced. "That's weird."
"Weird was getting possessed," Xander said with a grin. "The remains of the swim team are still somewhere in the pacific ocean." The judge shuddered. "Sorry but it is known."
"Wonderful. Why did they use you?"
"I have no idea," Xander admitted. "I'm still wondering why a tenth of all the embryos are partially mine." The judge shook his head quickly, making that note. "If we could find the stupid doctors who used me against my will, I'd ask them that while I'm dangling them off a very high building."
"We could arrest them," the judge said.
"Two of them were working in other countries for their own labs, Your Honor. I pointed out one in Oman before a meeting over there. That country jailed him and put him to work in their labs breeding better soldiers the natural way."
"Is that really common?"
"Everyone wants a super soldier," Xander said bluntly. "It's like the cold war and nuclear arms race rolled into a single unit of soldiers who're so good they're nearly invisible and capable of taking over a country if they must. Russia started it back before World War I and when others found out they tried their own. They got shut down then breeding got into it. I'm not sure if they were all prompted by HYDRA's early attempts or not."
"Charming," the judge said, making that note. "Is that written down anywhere in a history?"
"There is one that I know of, it's a history dissertation, and it's in French if I remember right. I found a poorly translated copy and asked Willow to find me a better one. She ebooked it and translated it via the internet. It's at home if you'd like to see it."
"No, that's fine." He made that note as well. "Who raises your children?"
"I do with some help from Andrew. We share Nira so we both help with her, plus the other minis in the house that are tiny. I pay a few slayers now and then for babysitting when I need to be on patrol but Andrew doesn't feel like watching them. The ones that still have fathers I've offered visitation. Both of them have taken me up on it."
"The two that don't?" the judge asked.
"Both had been prior military but had ended up selling arms. One died thanks to his minions being mad he had an heir. The other one died when a military took out their compound for daring to deny the military's right to be assholes to a local community. Paulo's people were protecting part of a village from the military, just normal people who were being harassed."
"I hear that happens in Africa."
"Sometimes," Xander agreed. "I ran into it a few times too."
The judge nodded. "What if you had to go back there?"
"I spent their first four months over there with the quad, Your Honor. We know how to travel and all that. We traveled to the younger slayers in training to work on their training for a few weeks at a time. I only had one incident where I needed a sitter and the slayer's mother helped us."
The judge sighed. "That's reasonable I suppose." He looked at him. "Are you on state support?"
"No."
"You have insurance?"
"Yes."
"Why should these ones support you then?"
"I didn't ask for my children to come into being. Frankly, that's kinda like rape. They took my seed without my consent and made me five kids, Your Honor. How many more are they going to make that I'll end up raising so they're not treated as experiments?" The judge grimaced. "We've already had to deal with them and others who decided the children are expendable projects to torture and rip apart. I'll be damned but I'm not going to shoulder this burden they cast on me alone."
"You could give them up."
"I could also go hire a hacker to stop them." He smiled. "I'm not going to give up my kids, Your Honor. Now that I know they're around, they're mine. They should not have been made, but the same people are doing it for the US government, the Finnish government, and the French government. How many more kids am I going to have to go rescue?"
"That's a consideration." The judge tapped his pencil on the table in front of him. "I'm not sure if they should be liable for having made the children."
"It was unconsensual sex in a way, Your Honor," the lawyer said. "They basically had to rape him to get his seed, apparently a few times with as many embryos they have in hiding, and then made someone bear his child. They tampered with the children's conception as well, making them of two fathers."
"All true," the judge agreed. "They should be liable for their creation."
"Yes but they want to treat them like lab rats," Xander said. "The only way to protect the children is to make sure they can't do it any more and if something happens thanks to this, like my kids being shot, I have the means to protect them," Xander said. "Also, I may do an important job but it's by no means well paid. I make about nine hundred a month for a full time, all hours, job that can get me killed at any given point in time. I have a job that makes me go into battles with a sword without backup of the military to save every ungrateful ass in this country and world, yet they hate us for it, send us hate mail, bombs, and try to invade the house. My life would be easier if I did not have five children to protect at the same time so hiring them a nanny or someone would be safer for them. I can't do that on my salary and they should pay to upkeep the ones they brought into my life since they wanted me to be a daddy so badly."
The judge grimaced. "Not very erudite, Mr. Harris."
"Your Honor, the Sunnydale school system was so poor I have no idea what that word means," Xander said dryly. "We found out later that it was basically a seventh or eighth grade education in high school. I'm really lucky I found I love doing construction stuff."
The judge sighed. "It means well spoken, Mr. Harris."
"I try but I'm not the guy to make speeches. I inspire others by jumping into battles with a sword."
"I'm sure you do." He looked at the information he had. "You make less than minimum wage?"
"I don't have set hours. I'm always on call."
"I can tell that." He considered it. "All right, I'll leave you as part of this suit. Are the children normal?"
"As far as anyone can tell," Xander said. "You might want to ask the agencies that were hounding their pediatrician for their records." He handed over that file from his pocket with a grin. "He complained and said he might have to drop them because it could endanger his other patients or him."
The judge sighed. "We have multiple agencies trying that."
Xander nodded. "Which means they might take some of the embryos that got lost when SHIELD fell, which means that HYDRA probably has them again, and will make me more kids. Which I would expect them to pay to feed, clothe, and treat injuries for since it was their decision to make me more."
"They could use other parent's samples," the judge said.
"Your Honor, the vials aren't marked with names. They're marked with numbers," Xander said. "The files on which one is which was eaten when SHIELD fell. Stark found a mostly complete list with only about three percent listed as unknown. If my sperm helps make up ten percent of those embryos, I'm pretty sure they'll be making me at least one more kid by accident."
"I can see how that would probably happen," the judge agreed. "May we meet with the children?"
"Sure. Do you want to come to the slayer house?"
"I'd rather it be a neutral location."
"We're going to the zoo tomorrow, I've already promised the kids and they've been chanting all day for it. They'll hopefully be exhausted afterward but we can show up the next day as far as I'm aware."
"I can figure that out tonight. The zoo sounds pleasant." Xander grinned and nodded. "How did you figure out custody?"
"I found them and I told the other fathers they could ask for visitation, and I'd be liberal with it, all they had to do is ask, but I was keeping majority custody. Their other fathers are in dangerous jobs as well, outside Agent DiNozzo, but I'm told he's never home thanks to work."
"So they didn't argue?"
"No."
"Interesting. Do you have formal paperwork?"
"Yes," Xander said. "At home in the safe. Including papers that send them to their fathers if I should die with Andrew getting the other two or them going to Stark. He's already agreed."
The judge nodded. "That's a good idea."
"I did that before I met the other fathers, Your Honor. I know what I do is dangerous. That's why I'm missing an eye."
The judge nodded. "I can see that point. The list we have of HYDRA related people still employed, is it complete?"
Xander shrugged. "Someone got that list for me. It's possible they have some hidden people in places as an insurance policy. I would."
"Did you know the president was one?" the judge asked.
"Yes, I saw him in one of the visions I had about the incident that brought down SHIELD," Xander said honestly. "I had four visions that showed how it was going to happen and about the threat to the slayers at that time. It was them worrying about this coming out that led to a different lab being exposed and then led to SHIELD panicking and finding them."
"You have visions?"
"Of apocalypse battles, yes."
"Are they accurate?"
"Unfortunately a bit too accurate," Xander said. "I'm able to prevent some things but not all of them. Including seeing how many slayers fell during a battle."
"How did you weather the fall of SHIELD and HYDRA?"
"I found a mystical artifact they had gathered from SHIELD and used it to lay protections around the slayers and myself while I was an external link. It was an Asgardian weapon."
"Oh." He blinked at him. "Is that wise?"
"It wasn't but it was the only way the slayers wouldn't be attacked as well." He shrugged. "I had to play the hand dealt to me."
"I can see that. Were they in danger?"
"No. The few people that tried to take me out happened mostly during nap times. One ran off because I had the kids." He smiled. "A few agents ran off because I had the kids."
"What sort of artifact did you have?"
"I gathered four staffs. One was an Asgardian warrior's staff that encouraged a lot of anger in the holder. It was very useful. The main mystical artifact was the staff that Loki was holding when he invaded Manhattan. It laid the protections and let me use it because the chaos needed a channel at that time. It went home to Asgard thanks to Lord Thor."
"The staff he used to open that portal?" the judge demanded. Xander nodded. "Wasn't that dangerous for others?"
"No. Power is only dangerous in how you use it. Like other magic, it can be used to help or to hurt. In this case, it needed to channel the chaos energy anyway before it created an uncontrollable explosion of it in London. I'm sure we'd all like England to not be a tiny collection of islands."
"Yes, I do like it in its current configuration. It could have?" Xander nodded. "How?"
"The energy from all that was building up even before all that happened. London has a natural energy sink under it the same way Manhattan does, Your Honor. It was drawing all the chaos energy from all that. The staff channeled that into protections around where the slayers were hiding and around the more delicate things in London, like a children's hospital. It had been created by an older, more powerful source that wasn't Loki. I asked the power in it to help me and it agreed. Powerful artifacts like that aren't really sentient but they have enough power to enable some personality."
"So it actually saved more than the slayers." Xander nodded with a smile. "How did you use it?"
"It has a built-in power source," Xander said.
"Oh. All right. I know almost nothing about mystical artifacts so I'll leave that there. How did HYDRA have it?"
"SHIELD confiscated it after the battle," Xander said. "I'm guessing since half of SHIELD was HYDRA, they just took it with them."
"Probably," the judge decided. He made that note as well. "All right, I'm going to let this lawsuit continue. I have been asked by the other side to issue a gag order."
Xander looked at his lawyer, who shrugged but looked at the judge. "We're not fond of that idea, Your Honor, as it means they can try a third batch of children. I think we'd all like to avoid that situation."
"I will be putting up an order that they are not to activate any embryos. I don't think we need to add more children to this volatile situation." He looked at Xander. "I would like a copy of their medical records." He handed the bailiff a paper.
"They'll probably steal it from you," Xander noted as he took it.
"Better me than your doctor or them," the judge said.
"Point." He signed it then handed it back. "I wanted to make sure I had the permission to use whatever force I deem necessary to save my children, short of ending the world."
"I really do wish you'd let agents or someone handle it but I know you worry about them being tainted as well." Xander nodded. "If you must, you must." Xander tipped his head down. "Is it a present concern?"
Xander turned on his phone. "No, Andrew had the ones that tried to grab the kids while they were grocery shopping eaten by a friendly demon contact." He turned his phone back off after sending back a 'thank you' message. "Apparently some female doctor, in a lab coat, came up to them in the grocery store."
The judge considered it. "I would rather they go to jail instead of being killed. If at all possible please." Xander nodded. "The ones that you find may know where the other embryos are after all." Xander nodded again. "All right, dismissed for the day. I'll see regular motions for the next week." The lawyer handed over a stack of his. "All of yours?"
"I have three more being drafted by my law clerks, Your Honor."
"Wonderful." He looked through them, nodding at them. "We'll have a hearing on all motions in a week but I don't see many issues with these. Have a nice day, gentlemen." They left. Someone tried to run up and stun Xander until he hit her, knocking her down the stairs. The judge was told and nodded that it was expected. Some people were idiots. If the young man was tough enough to have picked up something like Loki's staff, he was more than strong enough to use it on the idiots who tried to hurt his children.
***
Tony Stark found someone wanting to talk to him lying in lurk when he went out for a lunch date with Pepper. He stared at the person then shook his head. "I don't care who did what. I don't work for SHIELD in any of its formats."
Skye smiled, holding up the DVD she had. "Including that they're trying to make you a son?"
Tony snatched it. "When?"
"Just barely started. The lab's in Rome."
"They'd hate that," he said with a smirk. "Can it be moved?"
"No. It has to stay stable and powered or the machine will miscarry."
Tony nodded. "Thanks, Skye."
"Welcome. Coulson's still livid that they're trying this."
Stark grinned. "He should be worried about what Wells will do. The only difference between Wells and someone like VonDoom is he had a country to screw up when he decided to stay evil." He strolled off, putting the DVD into his jacket pocket. Rome was a pretty city. He'd love to invade there and blow up their lab. He didn't need *two* kids. One was more than enough. He smiled as he sat down across from Pepper. "I've been told there's a lab in Rome making me a son, Pepper."
She smiled. "Don't destroy the historic things, Tony."
"I'd never disappoint you that way."
She grinned. "Good. Have fun later." He nodded with a smirk.
***
Tony got back to the tower and ran the information. He found the lab there. It was still there. It wasn't heavily guarded so probably a trap laid for the new SHIELD people. Then there's another lab a bit further away that was heavily guarded. It had high power usage. It had a much larger footprint. It was under a plaza with an old statue that was considered nearly holy. Well, Pepper might not miss *one* statue. He called Steve in, showing him all that they had found.
Steve stared. "Are they trying again?"
Tony nodded with a smirk. "I'll have a son to match my daughter."
Steve nodded. "Let's not do that?"
"Not my choice. All Pepper said was not to destroy anything historic."
"We can do that. Find any others in case they call in for help." Tony got to work on that. "Is that definitely them?"
"Could be drug smugglers," Tony admitted.
"No, we'll check. If not, it's a favor to the Italian government." He walked off. "Wheels up in thirty."
"Got it." He finished up, downloading the information to his suit and going to the loading point. This might be very stress relieving.
***
"Oh my god, there's dead people here!" a young slayer on her first patrol shouted.
Xander looked across the cemetery at her. "Of course there. What did you think vampires were?" She huffed. "Sorry but you knew there were vampires." He waved before staking the one coming up. "Get yours and we'll hit the other places." He looked over as someone wandered their way. "Your Honor."
"You were right, they did want the children," he said then fell down. The thing on his back started to whine.
Xander grabbed it and threw it, letting it explode in the fountain. He called that in. "Victoria, come here," he ordered. "We're staying here. Call Sarah and Faith in." She pulled out her phone to text that to them while he called in. Before he got through an officer came running. "He came wandering in, said I was right, someone wanted my kids, and I had to remove the explosive from his back." He pointed at the destroyed fountain. The officer was staring at him in horror. "He's the judge we were going through to sue HYDRA for the kids." The officer called that in. "Thank you. I couldn't get through to 911." More people, this time in suits, ran over. "Freeze," Xander ordered, pulling a gun. "I know damn well you're HYDRA. I saw you in the visions, I know you were there when my kids were, my kids have nightmares about your stupid hair."
"I'm not him. That's my cousin."
Xander stared at him. "Yank the other one. Especially since the judge said that HYDRA was coming for my kids." The agent backed up, hands up. Xander put his gun down at his side. "I had to remove the explosive from the judge's back," he said with a point at the fountain, looking at the agent nearest him.
"They probably decided he wasn't useful anymore," the agent said. "Put it away, Harris."
Xander stared at him. "How do I know you're not them?"
"You're paranoid," the officer said.
Xander stared at him. "It's not really paranoid if they're really out to get you."
Two other people rushed up to them. "Harris, I need to evacuate you and the kids now," one ordered. He looked at the guy on the ground. "Isn't that the judge?" Xander nodded. "Then we truly need to go now. Come along please, Slayer Victoria. We'll get you safely back to the house." He led them to his car, taking them back. Xander, Andrew, the kids, and the mini slayers all got moved to DC to hide with Tony for a while. Stark could help once he got back from taking down things in Rome.
***
Tony Stark opened up the communications panel. "Yeah, Pepper?" He listened. "They did *WHAT*!" he demanded. He listened again. "Yeah, sure. You help Harris and the tots. That's fine. I'm sure Xander can probably destroy them really hard but some people might want DC to stay in one piece. Please do. The judge... That's charming," he said dryly. "Let me know how it's going. We should be gone later tonight if we're on target."
He hung up and sighed, looking at the staring superheroes. "Pepper just called." Clint nodded. "Pepper said that the ones being sued over making the kids tried to get the judge, put an explosive on his back that Xander had to remove when the judge came to tell him that they're after the kids. So they're in hiding with some agents Harris thinks he can trust." He called Pepper back. "Do a background check on the agents. They can be sneaky and watching over the kids for HYDRA to gather intel." He hung up.
"Do you think they're going to attack DC?" Clint asked.
"Yes," Stark said. "They've tried once. Xander got out and blew the fuck out of them. Someone quipped he made nearly as much of a mess as Rogers did when he fought with Bucky."
Steve snapped his fingers. "Bucky, he can help protect the kids." He called him, walking off. "Bucky, me. HYDRA is after the kids. Yeah, those kids. Bucky, did no one tell you HYDRA created the embryos that created those kids? Yes, including her. They're hiding in DC from them. Xander's probably in paranoid daddy land again. They're joking Xander made more of a mess than we did when we fought in DC." He grinned at Stark. "Please. No, all five. Nira got born in the second round. We're worried that they're gathering intel quietly by watching the kids while others attack them. One's got a dad in NCIS, named DiNozzo. There's Tony's daughter, that one, and Nira, who has Andrew as the other parent. Thank you. Rome. We'll be back there in a while." He hung up. "He'll go help Xander with the kids."
"Good," Tony sighed. "If anyone can beat HYDRA it's probably him." The others nodded.
"If they get those children, we will go rescue them," Natasha said simply. Clint nodded, smiling at her. "Shall we defeat this vine of them?" They got back to planning, then went on the raid. They found the birthing units and some of the embryos, but none were in making. Thankfully.
***
Xander looked up as someone walked into his hotel room, nodding at him. "They've got two kids that aren't mine. One's Clint Barton's they think."
"They who?" Bucky asked. He patted the rabbit being held up to stare at him. "Hey, Hoppity." She giggled, hugging his arm.
"Some of my demon contacts. They don't want to know what'll happen if those kids are raised by them." He looked toward the bedroom then at Bucky. "Andrew's napping while Nira does. Thankfully she mostly eats what we do because the other stuff upset her stomach."
"Can we move them somewhere safer?"
"I can take them back to Africa," Xander said. "All the slayers are off the hellmouth in Cleveland and none of the others are outside of specially sealed areas. No one can get to them outside using magic." He scratched his hand. "I'd like to have that staff of rage back right about now. Or the other one."
"Can you use magic?"
"No but I can use magical artifacts thanks to hellmouth radiation," he said. "I'm about to feed them to a hellmouth."
"Will that take most of them?"
"No but it'll take the important ones," Xander said. "I could make deals to get rid of them but that would require a payment I'm not sure is a good idea. Hell, I could ask for a boon to become the next president." Bucky winced. "But I don't want to do that. Nira will be the first evil presidential geek."
Bucky nodded. "You need a nap."
Xander nodded with a grin. "Yes, I do. It's been three days; I'm used to this during apocalypses."
"Nap. I'll make sure the kids are fine."
"Guys, let's go nap while Bucky watches us."
"No," Joy said.
"Yes," Bucky said with a point. "Go nap and I'll watch over you guys." She huffed, pouting at him. "You can help me shine my arm later." She pouted all the way into the bedroom. They laid down between Andrew and Xander to nap. Bucky checked the rooms over. The traps and alarms were good. He added to a few of them to make them meaner. Then he settled in to figure out where they'd move them if they had to. Only so many places could hide five kids and three adult males. Or they could go to Africa to hide in the bush he guessed. He could camp. Xander could camp. Andrew would learn how to deal with it.
***
After the second attack, Xander called someone on a mirror, somehow that Bucky didn't understand. Xander stared at them. "They're coming for the kids."
"We can get you down there," the old woman said. "I can't be sure it'll be any safer."
Xander grinned. "Yes it can be. I have a place." The witch shuddered. "Pack up Cleveland to put down there?"
"We've gotten it mostly cleared except Willow's special room and the *special* armory."
"That's what I want," Xander said. "I can always get it refilled somehow." She nodded, looking behind her. "Here," he said, putting something against the mirror. "It's there."
They touched the pendant, pulling it to them. "Get ready," the other witch said. Xander pointed at the stroller with a nod. He waved Bucky over. "All right. Andrew, you'll come with us?"
"I can do that but Xander might need the help."
"Nira's not that much more work," Xander said. "But either way, ladies. I could use him helping anyway."
They nodded. "If we can," the first witch said. "Mark a boundary, Andrew." He did that with tape and markers. Bucky got pulled inside then Andrew finished it. Bucky went to get two things then came back. Xander grinned at that grabbing. There was a flash of light and then they were in the desert.
Andrew looked around. "How far, Xander?"
Xander checked his pendant. "Ten miles." He pointed. "It's got a homing light." They pushed the stroller off, letting the kids babble at their stuffed animals. One had gotten left but Andrew summoned it so he could check for trackers. Bucky found one but it got tossed onto a snake they passed by. The other animals got checked and those got tossed. "Figured one was HYDRA."
"Subtle information gathering," Bucky agreed. Xander grinned at him. "She's a nosy girl."
"Yes she is but that's being a little girl as far as I can tell. The slayers are the same way. They did take Crista, right?" he asked, looking at Andrew.
"Yeah. I made sure. The protections left her there for a few hours but she napped through it anyway." Andrew sent a text message then turned off his phone. He drew out a second boundary and they got inside it, Xander holding onto Bucky's sleeve. They disappeared again, and Xander led them down to the bunker he had. Inside there were now piles of weapons. Andrew took the kids into the kitchen area to eat and play while Xander and Bucky checked weapons before putting them in the armory.
"Where are we?" Bucky asked finally.
Xander grinned. "In the middle of nowhere. The only thing near us is a small village about five miles away. I won the bunker in a poker game from militant yahoos who wanted to get free of their demonic deals."
Bucky just nodded. "That's weird."
"Just the wacky that is our life," Andrew quipped, bringing them iced coffee. "Here. Drink." He went back to the kitchen. The kids had found the play room/living room that had the tv hookup. Andrew started the solar system running things and settled in to monitor the news while letting Nira nap on his lap. He snapped his fingers at the kids when the first 'grr' happened toward the boys from Joyceline. That stopped the picking on each other.
Jesse snuck down, looking up at Bucky. "Shiny?"
"The arm's not a weapon," Xander said. "Not shiny boom, Jesse."
"Shoot. Need shiny?" he asked with a grin, giving his dad a hopeful look.
"You can help me shine things later," he promised. Xander grinned at Bucky. "He's my mini me."
"It's good he likes weapons. He can protect his sister."
Xander laughed. "Joyceline's going to run them all over and do whatever she wants. She's just as strong as the boys are."
"Good. She'll need it. She kept coming down to check on me and making me hug her."
Xander nodded. "She's a good girl and knows that hugs help people." He looked at him. "She's a good girl, Bucky."
"If you're sure." Because Bucky wasn't. He didn't know any girls like that one.
***
Xander's phone rang. "Yup, what's up?" he asked. "Hey, Buffy. No, we're safe and they can't trace this if they have you hostage." He listened. "You know what, I can do that. Or you can ask a poker debt." He laughed. "Sure. You be safe." He hung up and sent a text message to a poker contact. That one liked to eat bad guys. He thought they were fun. Ten minutes later, the demon wrote back a 'thank you for the buffet, they were fun' and Xander got to laugh.
Andrew leaned in. "The news is reporting Buffy and a few of the slayers had been taken hostage until some demons showed up to free the slayers that protected them all." Xander waved his phone. "We good?"
"They can't track my phone, Andrew. It doesn't have that ability. No GPS chip or anything. It bounces off some satellites instead of a tower." He grinned. "That's why I wore the tracking necklace from the coven while I was in Africa. It's in my room in Cleveland."
"Good," Andrew said. He checked. "I don't have mine."
"They'd have to have a magic user that knew you enough to know the taste of your magic," Xander said. "I don't think HYDRA has taken any of the coven hostage."
"I hope not. I'd hate to ask for a deal." He went back to watching the kids. They were having a napping moment so that was a great thing. It meant Bucky could quit hiding his arm from the boys who wanted to shine it. Or from Joy's attempt at hugging him better.
***
Bucky woke up to a hated sight, a HYDRA agent staring at him. He wasn't strapped down but he didn't want to move. "Who're you?" he demanded.
"Don't worry, Soldier, you did well." He smiled. "They will make great versions of you for the next generation."
"I doubt that." He struggled to sit up. "The children will destroy you if their father doesn't."
"He doesn't concern us. He was convenient and had skills we liked." The agent smirked. "We will continue to let him save the world so that sort do not bother us."
Bucky blinked at the blinding light. That's the sort of light he thought happened during nuclear explosions. Then he woke up for real, panting.
Xander was standing there with a metal rod. "Are you out of the flashback?" he asked patiently. Bucky stared at him. "Not like I haven't had my own. You good?"
"I..." He panted and nodded. "Thank you."
"Not a problem." He grinned. "Joy wanted to make the tiger eat you but Jesse knew that the shiny would have to win this time." He pointed at the kids, who were all staring at him. "They heard or felt it start and came running to protect you. Any idea why?"
"It was a HYDRA agent."
Xander blinked at him. "We can test you for visions." He looked in the bedroom. "'Drew?"
"Not a vision. Maybe a sending. I'm working on the protections to keep them out."
"Thank you, 'Drew." He grinned at Bucky again. "Any idea which agent that was so we can stop them personally? I'd hate for them to have the wrong idea about my kids; though you're right, they will destroy them. A lot. And then probably ask for cookies." He smiled. "I love my hellions. I'm going to consecrate them to chaos gods."
"That's redundant, all kids are mini chaos gods," Andrew called.
"You sure? We can bless them to Janus and others."
"Yup. Just look at all the hell yours create, Xander. They don't need to be hyped on the chaos tip."
"It could let it leak out to them, powering a chaos god. I could even use Loki, that way maybe we can get his staff back. Or the staff of rage. I wouldn't mind that one."
Andrew looked up then out there. "If someone's going to use Loki's staff, it'll be me."
"I know you're a great villain, you're just looking for your cause to act against," Xander said with a grin. "Some day you'll break bad and all the others will go 'we forgot he could do evil'." Andrew grinned, blushing some. "Can we summon the staffs?"
"Not that I'm aware of." He considered it then tried. "No. There's a higher power in the way."
"Hmm. That's either the vault or the guy who made it," Xander said. He considered it. "Or there's some guy called 'The Collector' who's said to have a bunch of things like that. He might have it. I'll have to ask a poker contact though." He went into the armory to find that calling set.
"Please don't," Bucky called. "Use the improbable weapons in there."
"Oh, yeah, the stuff that they won on another reality from some guys in hazmat suits or something. I forgot we had the improbable laser weapons." He dug those out, handing Andrew the trunk full of magical stuff. "Willow's from the *special* room."
"Hmm," Andrew said, getting into them. "That's a lot of crap. What did she do with that?"
"That was during her black magic phase," Xander said.
"Oh, that stuff. Still stupid of her." He shrugged, getting what he needed out so he could use it easier. He didn't want to encourage Xander to use anything magical.
Bucky watched them hatch wacky plans that might just work. He didn't even realize the boys were polishing his arm again until Andrew made him flinch by summoning a djinn.
Andrew grinned, waving some. "I'd like all the superhero gear not currently in use on this realm. The ones from the comic books. We'll have to beat Thanos soon I think. Xander had a vision."
The djinn stared at him. "What?"
"That's what I wish for. All the powerful superhero stuff not currently in use in this reality or realm."
The djinn rubbed his head then put his turban back down. "That's a lot of crap, young man."
"That's a superhero," Andrew said with a point at Bucky.
The djinn looked then at Andrew. "Why do I get into these situations?" he complained.
"At least we're not asking to be set up with the princess," Xander called from the armory. "Andrew, ask for the rings."
"Oh, yeah, and the special magical artifacts that aren't in speciality sealed vaults or in use please." He grinned.
The djinn sighed. "Yes, Master. That's two of your three."
Andrew grinned. "Sure. We'll consider the other one. I know wishes are double edged swords."
"Yes, they are," the djinn said. He snapped and then clapped once. The armory had a small off-room that held a lot of things.
Xander leaned out. "Is that really all of them? I mean, there's no Lantern Ring. There's no capes...." The djinn groaned, shaking his head. "Well, we are the Council now," he said dryly with a smirk. "Someone's got to save the slayers from work. Better us than the guys who put on spandex, right?"
"Some of those will only go to the proper sort, they can't be summoned," the djinn said, heading back into his lamp.
Xander looked at it then grinned at Andrew. "Willow had a spell to make unlimited wishes."
"Really?" he asked with a grin. "That's cool. Which ones did we get?" He got up to go see. "No magical stuff, Xander. I'll do the magic, you do the weapons, and we'll let Bucky have the nicer, prettier weapons."
"Sure," Xander quipped. "Bucky, do you want the laser cannon or something else?"
"I'll pick mine out later. Why don't you rest?"
"Because the kids are awake and we wouldn't think about making you babysit them all." He picked up Nira, taking her into the armory. "Nira, this is a gun," he said, holding it up with a grin. "Daddy Xander really likes guns. Some day, your older siblings will like guns and so will you." She cooed at it, making him grin. "I knew you'd like guns like Daddy Xander." He put it down. "This is an assault rifle." He let her see that one.
In the other room Bucky sighed, shaking his head. "Your daddy's showing the baby weapons," he said. The kids squealed, running in to help the daddy. Bucky laid back down, nursing the new headache. These two were insane. He wasn't sure why but they really were insane. Maybe Steve would save them all soon? Then the two adults could rest and eat and regain sanity when the slayers babysat for a few hours.
***
Steve got an email from Bucky a few nights later, staring at it. "He's not sleeping. Xander's petting the shiny weapons and he's not sleeping. Thankfully the kids are tired of the weapons and Bucky's arm so they're playing with the magic things that Andrew is going over with them."
Stark looked at him. "Excuse me? My daughter's playing with magic?"
"Yup," Steve said.
"No. Not allowed. She can go into science. She's not allowed to go into magic. She's not allowed to follow me into the suit, not allowed to follow Romanoff into her suit, and she's not allowed to go into magic."
"Then we need to finish taking out HYDRA's main heads," Natasha said. "So they quit going for the children. Then everyone could rest."
Stark looked at her then at Steve. "How many more do you think there are?"
"Probably dozens of groups," he said. "I'm not sure how many would want the kids. Or why they want the kids at that age."
"It's easier to make sure they'll stay loyal at that age," Natasha said.
"That's a point I didn't want to consider." Steve considered it. "Find how many more of them want the kids. I'll gladly go take them down, Stark. That way you can babysit."
Stark looked at him. "They've still got some of the embryos too." He went to the lab to look at that. Pepper had to be worried about Joy too. She wanted his daughter to be more like her than her other father. Or Barton, which was where she was probably heading since the slayers and Xander all used archaic weapons more often.
Natasha looked at Clint. "I think his mind has gone back to his daughter turning out like you again."
"Quite possibly," he agreed with a grin. "Many people want to be like me." He put his feet up, getting them knocked off the coffee table by Steve. Who walked off laughing. Clint rolled his eyes but he was comfortable with how badass he was. He could probably even out badass Xander Harris.
***
Natasha found the news story, paging the others to come see. She pointed.
Tony turned, looking at Bucky using a laser cannon while laughing. Xander had just armed and thrown a huge bomb at the demon with tentacles. It exploded nicely then Andrew came out with a newly made staff, it still had some duct tape holding it together, and blew the demon's hole back to its own realm. Tony looked at Natasha. "Where is that?"
"Africa."
"Of course he went back there," Clint agreed. "He probably has a hidey-hole so tight no one can find it. Were they naturally there?"
"Someone called them to come," she said.
Clint nodded. "I'd go take that out too." All three adults disappeared, going back to wherever. "Any idea if they're near there? Or who was watching the kids?"
"Not a clue," Natasha said. "They didn't say."
"That was an advanced laser weapon that no one on this planet made," Stark said. "It wasn't pretty like most Asgardian weapons. So where did he get it?"
Steve shrugged. "No clue. Was HYDRA working on laser weapons?"
"Not that I've seen," Tony said. He and Steve looked at each other. "Which means Harris probably found it somewhere."
"Some of the demon realms are said to be more advanced than we are," Natasha said.
"Hell, for all we know, he might know aliens," Stark said, stomping off. "I need to email them, get my daughter out of there. I'll gladly babysit all five kids to get them out of there. Before my daughter covets things that I can't give her."
"See if you can get into their armory, bring them all back," Clint suggested with a grin. "That way we have Bucky, Xander, and Andrew with their weapons."
Stark snapped, nodding. "Not a bad idea. We just have to bring down three other HYDRA bases." He went to find them again and tell Steve so they could raid them.
Steve followed, hoping to get Tony calmed down. Pepper too. She had recognized that look in Tony's eyes. He was about to explode.
Clint and Natasha made sure their weapons were ready. It was going to be a bad thing to be HYDRA soon.
***
Tony found a kitten poker hall, going in there to find out more about his baby daddy. Harris played and had mentioned getting information from them, and sometimes weapons. He paused to look around.
"Human, you're not usually our kind," one of the demons in the back called. A few others laughed.
"No, but I wanted to know more about Xander." He walked toward that one. He was scary but Tony had seen scarier cheerleaders feening for more dick. "We share a daughter so I wanted to know more about him or his skills."
The demons looked at each other then at him. "You're the father of his daughter?" Tony nodded, sitting down. "Hmm. We weren't sure if they had other parents."
"They do but he's guarding the kids while we deal with HYDRA wanting them back." He tapped the table a few times. "I've heard about him and a few battles. I've seen him in a few battles. I'd like to know more about him. Especially if you guys know where he's hiding with them."
The demons nodded, dealing him into the next hand. Tony anted in with cash, not paying any attention to the pitiful look the cat on the table was giving him. "Harris is an interesting problem," the dealer said. "He's not quite one of us but he's partially one of us thanks to the mermaid taint. He'll protect us if we need him to, but he'll go after us if we screw up or look at the slayers wrong. He's an interesting guy but never give him sweets."
"Joyceline isn't sugar reactive, thankfully," Tony said. "He is?" They all nodded. "Huh."
"You didn't get to see the demon he vowed vengeance on for killing his first jeep," one of the other demons at another table said. "He warned it. He drank a case of mountain dew, ate a huge pile of sweets, then went off on it. That whole realm was *real* sorry for pissing Xander off." He shook his head with a sigh. "I'm so glad I took the opportunity to immigrate so I wasn't there for that. They said they'll get the main city rebuilt this year." A few patted him on the arm.
"He took down a city?" Tony asked. His daughter seriously needed to spend more time with him, just so she didn't turn into her other father. Even if that wasn't fully the truth, his little girl could not become a destroyer.
"It was wood. He had his specially blessed axe," the dealer said with a shrug. "They annoyed him to no end so he fixed the annoying things by dealing with a few important bracing points."
Tony nodded. "I didn't know he could do that." Xander was scary, like a super villain, he had to remember that.
"We're more worried what his mental state is like right now," the bartender called. "He's got the kids, Andrew, a huge armory, some mystical artifacts, and that guy."
"His name's Bucky," Tony called, looking at him. "Are the kids in danger?"
"Of turning into Xander," the bartender said. "I doubt the Knight's been sleeping very well. We all hate it when apocalypse times come. He doesn't sleep real well and then he loses sense. He becomes mean. Then he quits eating now and then, so we all hide until it's done. Pity he lost Anya, she cured some of that."
"Did she leave him?" Tony asked.
"She died in the fall of Sunnydale," the dealer said. "In the battle against the First Evil. Pity too. They were slowly getting back together. A lot of bets got lost when she died."
One demon at the table grimaced. "I lost a whole lot. I swore they would've had apocalypse sex but no, not them."
"No time and the house was full of mini slayers that wouldn't let him sleep," the bartender said, coming over with a bottle of water for Stark. He grinned at him. "Xander's not a bad guy. We all like Xander. He's helped protect us for years, even doing things that the slayers will never be told. Mostly because they'd nag and he'd pout, then someone else would try to kidnap him or sacrifice him for being so pouty." He walked off shaking his head.
"I've never heard anything about Xander dating outside of a few arms dealers," Tony said. The demons laughed, getting into stories of Xander's past dates and wanters. It was...eye opening in a lot of ways. Tony had to make sure his daughter didn't turn into her other father.
***
That night, Tony handed Pepper the three cats he had won and his body camera so she could see what he had found out. "We need more time with Joy. Before she gets warped and hates science." He walked off shaking his aching head. Clint handed him a beer, letting Tony wander down to the lab. The robots would make him feel better.
Pepper looked at the three cats that Tony had pulled out of jacket pockets like he was some sort of magician. "How did he get you three?" She checked, they were alive, just sedated. She plugged the camera into the computer to watch the film while she petted them. They seemed like nice cats. She saw how he won them, and why. She hated that some demons ate cats when she saw that happening. The stories about Xander *had* to be an exaggeration, right?
***
Stark finally found the bunker, heading down into it. He stared around, looking at Bucky. Who pointed in the bedroom. He put up his face shield, staring at him. "Laser cannon?"
"That's not the weirdest thing in there and they asked a genie in a lamp for unused superhero weapons, Stark."
Xander walked out. "Are they safe?"
"They should be. I'm pretty sure we've gotten all the ones that wanted to make future soldiers. We found the rest of the embryos with the remains of SHIELD." Xander smiled. "Let's pack up and go back to the tower so you and the kids can all nap. You need a rest, Xander."
Bucky nodded quickly. "He could, and food. Andrew's been doing magical stuff so he's only had sandwiches that the kids have stolen. Plus the kids could shine the pretty things with you watching."
"Yes they can. Pack up, kids. Let's go."
"Did you lead anyone here?" Xander asked, looking up.
"No. I told Steve I was going into a demon's den to find you and that was in another country. They sent me here."
"Okay. Sure." He nodded, going to wake up Andrew so they could pack the important things, bringing it with them. Them, the kids got into the stroller, Bucky, and the trunks that were magically filled with the important things. Then they went back with Stark via Andrew's magic machines.
Stark looked at the thing that had brought them. "Is that from Asgard?"
"No, it was made by dwarves in a whole other realm," Andrew said with a grin.
"We can look at those later. Let's get you guys into a real room. Pepper's more than happy to babysit all the kids tonight." He grinned. Xander hugged him. Bucky nearly hugged him before going to find Steve to report. Pepper came in, taking the stroller with her. Andrew rushed after her to hand over the diaper bag and the box of food stuff, explaining what Nira could eat and drink that wouldn't upset her stomach. Then he went to find a couch and collapse.
Xander grinned at Stark. "He really needed a nap. Thanks."
"Undo the armory stuff so I can see the stuff that we don't have?"
"Sure but we need it back. They're slayer weapons. Not like we get them from the army or something." He undid that trunk. The weapons magically flew back out to unpack themselves. Xander wandered off. "Can I go nap on a couch?"
"Sure, kid. Thanks. This'll give me stuff to calm down with." Xander nodded, heading up to the living room area. Stark watched him go then got into the weapons. He had no idea who had made some of them but they were really sweet. Jesse came back in to help him with the weapons by petting them but that was just cute of him.
***
Pepper summoned Natasha down to her office, smiling when she came in. "Here, the body camera Tony had on the other night. I realized I hadn't shared and wanted to know if you wanted to come with me and Joy when we went to the spa for a girls' day."
Natasha nodded. "I could use a good spa treatment." She settled in a chair to watch the video, not minding much when Arlin brought Henry's tiger over to meet her. She smiled at him. "Hello."
"That's Arlin but the tiger is the 'grr' thing that they do to each other when they're annoyed," Pepper said. "Joy usually has Hoppity, her rabbit." She pointed at it.
Natasha smiled. "Special friends are good for children," she said quietly. Arlin climbed up to sit in her lap. "I'm watching this video." Arlin grinned, clapping. Joy and Henry came over to help her watch it. She started it playing again, letting the kids sit around her to watch. At the end she blinked at Pepper. "The cats?"
"Two of the secretaries and a physicist adopted them." She smiled. "It was great of Tony to rescue them."
"It was," Natasha agreed, petting the kids on the head. Joy blinked up at her. "Would you like to do girl things with Pepper and I?"
Joy smiled. "Clothes?"
"Yes, you need some new clothes, princess," Pepper said with a grin. "So do the boys."
"Shiny?" Arlin asked with a shiteating grin. "Like shiny clothes."
"If we can find clothes with shiny things, certainly." Arlin wiggled, grinning at her. "You guys are so cute. Would you like me to get you dinner?" They got up to cheer and hop around. She smiled at Natasha, who smirked back. "Pizza you think?"
"I think they should do fine as long as the pieces are smaller. I've only been a nanny on assignment for two months and they were older children."
Clint leaned in. "Guys, want pizza?" They ran over to hug him. "Hi."
"Bow!" Joy demanded, grinning at him. "Bow?"
"Later. It's in my room. I have to restring it, Joyceline. Want pizza now and then my bow?" They followed him upstairs. Pepper made the pizza order, Natasha following her up there. Steve and Bucky had moved the couches that Xander and Andrew were on into another room so they could have some real sleep. Thankfully Pepper had added enough pizzas for everyone tonight. Jesse came up with Tony when they got there. "Having fun?" Clint joked, handing Stark a paper plate.
"We've had a lot of fun staring in awe at the weird, not-scientifically possible weapons. He loves them." He put Jesse down. "Let's eat."
"Butt," he said. The others nodded.
"I forgot all about you guys being in diapers," Pepper said. Tony got the diaper bag so they could change the kids in the bathroom. Nira needed one too. They put her onto the floor so she could join them instead of being penned in her car seat. She crawled off, going to bump into a bookshelf. Joy got her a book with pictures, letting her have it. Nira squealed, patting it until Joy settled in to change pages for her so she could see the pretty things. Nira got to chew on some crust and cheese from Joy's pizza so they could feed her real baby food later.
Within an hour, Tony and Pepper wondered how Xander and Andrew did it with all five without being exhausted. Especially since the kids ate more than Steve did.
***
Xander came out the next morning yawning. "Thank you, whoever babysat last night," he mumbled when he ran into someone.
Natasha got him off her. "You're welcome. They weren't much problem." Xander blinked at her. "They do eat a lot."
He nodded. "They're growing. That's why they get lots of veggies."
"Last night they got three pizzas between them."
Xander blinked a few times. "Food fight or down the diapers?"
"Some pepperoni did end up down some diapers," she admitted, smiling some. "Nira's especially."
"I'm sorry if her tummy kept you up."
"No, she kept Stark up." She patted him on the cheek. "We are taking Joy with us to do girlish things."
"That's fine. She can be girlish when we're in the US. Though I didn't want her in a dress yet. She's too young and tends to end up spread out on the floor. Pants are just safer with toddlers."
"We can work on that." Pepper came off the elevator with the kids trooping after her. They ran over to hug the daddy.
"Were you guys good last night? Daddy really needed the nap." They grinned and patted him. "C'mon, I'll make eggies." They ran into the kitchen. "Wait for me. You're too young to cook." He grinned at Pepper. "Thank you for letting me nap."
"You're welcome. You clearly needed it, Xander." She patted him on the cheek with a smile. "We're taking Joy for a girls' day."
"That's fine but she's too young to wear a dress."
"We can handle that too." Xander grinned, going in there to make eggs so the kids would quit terrorizing the fridge to find breakfast. "Nira's taking a shower with Tony," Pepper said, sitting at the breakfast bar.
"Andrew does that with her. I do a lot of her care but Andrew does the bathing stuff. It's weird to give baths to little girls."
"I'd guess it would be for men," she agreed, looking at Natasha. "Have you eaten?"
"I can make more eggies." He grinned at them. "I'm really good at eggies." He got what he needed, including veggies. "We're having green, yellow, and tomato veggies," he said. "With cheese," he said at the whine. That got another kiddy cheer. He made omelettes, splitting them between two kids. Nira's got put into a bowl and chopped up finer for her to eat. He made one for Natasha and Pepper too, plus started coffee. Andrew wandered out so Xander made him one. Andrew hugged him, nearly falling back asleep. "Still tired?" He nodded. "Let go of some magic?"
"Later," he mumbled, letting Xander sit him down to nap on the table. Arlin nicely petted him so that was sweet of the baby. Xander put coffee in front of him first, making Andrew hum but stay head-down on the table. Xander presented the ladies with food, smiling at them.
"You need one as well," Natasha said. "I can't eat all that."
Xander snorted, looking at her. "I'm sure you can eat like a slayer. You do about as much work as they do plus kick butt." He made himself some toast. "I never eat first thing in the morning. My stomach doesn't realize it's supposed to have solid things."
Tony came walking in with Nira, who squealed when she saw her family, getting handed to Xander. "She was good all night."
"She usually is. The slayers scowl at the babies squealing when they come in." He put her into her carrier and handed her the bowl he had filled. "Eggies?" She grinned, stuffing her fist into it then nearly into her mouth. "You do that." Andrew lifted his head to sip coffee, taking the fork one of the kids wasn't using to feed her. Xander sat down with a grin. "I'll do the dishes in a few minutes, Stark."
"It's fine, Xander. We have a dishwasher."
"So do we, it's called a slayer on probation," Andrew said dryly. "But she does a bad job." Pepper laughed.
"They're to be normal girls and kitchen duty is a punishment duty," Xander agreed. "That one was dating someone thirty and she's twelve. So she's been on kitchen duty for the three weeks before we had to flee the idiocy."
"She volunteered instead of telling Buffy about that sin," Andrew agreed. "Or the two who're dating half a fraternity." He rolled his eyes with a sigh. "I don't know which slayer's memories gave them the idea to be a slut, but damn."
"It's the lack of rules," Xander said. "The girls who still had parents don't do that. Just some of the US girls." Andrew grimaced but nodded. "We're good parents and we keep them from most bad things. Though I'm going to paddle the one I caught puffing a cigar right before we left. It was nice Faith pointed out it was like giving a blow job. Made her choke and put it out."
Tony shook his head. "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
"And sometimes the girl is sixteen, has had ten sexual partners as we found out later, and is a ho," Xander said dryly. "We'd like the girls to be more girls and less like that. I'm afraid it was Buffy's doing."
"She wasn't a ho," Andrew said, looking at him. Nira dove up to get her bite of food. He went back to feeding her. "Her first one was Angel. She told the girls that when they were talking about first boyfriends one night over cake."
"Her first one was Angel, but she had a boyfriend before she got called that she was letting grope and I doubt any of the other girls were hos to put that into their imprint."
"Good point. Not Faith."
"No. I was her first."
Andrew grinned at him. "Wow."
"Right before I stopped the zombies trying to blow up the school while I was supposedly fray adjacent," Xander finished bitterly. "Both of ours." He took the fork to feed Nira. "You need to grow bigger and stronger so your brothers don't use you as a pillow like they do to Henry." Henry dug in to finish his eggs, stealing some of Joy's. She pouted at him. "I can make you more food, Henry. Don't steal anyone else's. You're not a baby slayer. You don't get away with that from Faith." Henry pouted at him so he handed over some of his toast. The kids got the rest of the pieces. "Sure, I'm done with breakfast." They grinned as they nibbled, Joy going over to hug her father, who cuddled her back. "I need to pick up diapers."
"I can," Andrew sighed, finishing his coffee. "I usually do our shopping. I can replace the carton of eggs too." He looked at the plates, handing the leftovers Jesse had left to Henry, who grinned before diving in to eat it. "Good boy, thank you." Jesse was over looking at Tony's tools in his back pocket anyway. He wasn't going to care.
Xander looked at him. "I can shop. That way you can't be snatched."
"If they try, I'll turn them into pets for the kids," he shot back with a grin. "I'm not helpless, Xander."
"I didn't think you were, just tired."
"Yeah, but it happens. I'll dump the magic after I get back from buying diapers."
"There's a pharmacy on the corner," Pepper said with a smile. "They should have diapers." They grinned at her. "That way you don't have to go too far from safety, Andrew."
"That'll be great. Thank you, Ms. Potts."
"I'm Pepper, Andrew, unless I'm mad at you."
"Thank you, Pepper."
"You're welcome." She finished most of her eggs, letting Joy have the rest since she had been picking up some of the veggies to eat for her. "You're obviously about to grow again," she said. Joy grinned at her. "We'll figure that out today." Joy hugged her, getting one back. "Ready to go do girl things?"
"Me?" Jesse asked.
"You're a boy. You can go to the baby spa with me some other time to do boy things," Xander said patiently.
"'Kay!" He went back to trying to get Tony's tools from him. "Shiny!" he cooed when he got his multitool. "Shiny! Shiny!" He danced around singing the shininess to them all.
Xander picked him up to look at him. "It's early. Sing in about an hour. Okay? Let Andrew rest."
Jesse nodded, hugging him to get down. He hugged Andrew, poking him a tiny bit to get one back. Andrew was drifting back to sleep. "Sleepy." He looked at the other boys. "Sleepy?" They grinned and snuck off in their exaggerated toddler way to go play in the living room, making more noise than they had been.
Xander sighed, grinning at Tony. "Sometimes they take hints."
"I can see that. You can rest, Xander. Really."
"That'd mean they'd overwhelm you. They've had a lot of rest, they're ready to get into trouble. Did you want to rebuild Manhattan?"
"They're not that bad." Xander snorted, giving him an incredulous look. "I can handle it. We have shiny things in the labs to take their attentions."
"If you're sure." Tony nodded, giving him a look. "Okay, let us know how much the damage is." He frisked Andrew, handing Pepper the family credit card.
She waved it off. "I have seven of those, Xander. I can buy her some cute outfits." She stared at him. "Be a good boy." She picked Joy up. "Let's wash our face and hands, then we'll go to the spa." Joy cheered, bouncing around Pepper and Natasha on the way to the elevator.
"Bye," Xander called, waving. "We'll see you later, Joyceline. Have fun with Auntie Pepper and Miss Natasha."
"Bye!" she called back, waving and grinning. "Be a good boy." She cackled as she got onto the elevator. "No boys!" she squealed, hugging Natasha. "No grr."
"That's true, there's no tiger at the spa," Natasha said, smiling at her. You almost had to smile at the beaming grin from the little girl.
Xander shrugged. "Let me go get diapers. Andrew will leech the magic out later." He took the card with him to the store on the corner. It meant he got chocolate he didn't have to share too. It was great. He ran into Steve on the way back from his daily run. "Tony said he wanted to watch all the heathens, even if he had to rebuild Manhattan." He smiled like he was high. "Joy's going to the spa with Miss Pepper and Miss Natasha. I'm so proud of my kids being good today." He went up to drop the diapers into the diaper bag then went to rest again.
Steve came off the elevator, getting himself some water. Tony was with the boys in the living room. They had legos everywhere and were throwing them at each other while Tony was trying to teach them to build. Steve got his water, went to take a shower, then came back to spare Tony going nuts. He'd need it with four kids, including the baby that was knotting his hair for him.
***
Bucky woke up, looking around. There wasn't a single stuffed animal staring at him from the edge of the bed. It was great to wake up alone. He swung his legs over, finding he wasn't alone, Nira was half under his bed taking a nap. "Are you hiding?" he guessed. He sniffed, grimacing. He picked her up, carrying her out to hand to Stark. "She was hiding."
"The boys drove her off by not reading to her," Tony said, taking her to change in the bathroom. The boys followed to get their own diapers changed. "How do we potty train you guys?"
"Potty?" Jesse asked, eyes wide. "Us?"
"You, yes." He smiled. "Big boys use potties."
"Ooooh," all three boys said, staring at the mystical potty thing that Daddy used. They went to look at it.
Tony sat them on it after cleaning them up. "Try to pee in there. Okay?" he told each one. One managed it and got a hug. The others patted him for it. Maybe they'd get it pretty quickly. He hoped. Diapers were gross. Especially Nira's. Pizza clearly didn't agree with her baby stomach yet.
***
Tony looked up from designing during nap time at the rallying cry of 'shiny!' from one of the boys over the intercom. He groaned, going to find them. Not near the suits. Not near the weapons. Not anywhere. "JARVIS?" he called. "Where are the boys and Nira?" The elevator hit a button for him, letting him off on the right floor. "Oh, that shiny. Hey, Thor."
"Stark." He looked at the children. "Did you spawn again?"
"These are Joy's brothers. Where's Nira, boys?" They gave him afraid looks. "Show me where Nira is?" They took him back to a room, pointing from the doorway. Tony walked in. "Hey, Bruce, can I have the baby?"
"There's a baby?" he asked, looking around. "Oh, there you are." She cooed up at him, patting him on the foot. "What are you playing with? Is that a mouse?"
Tony squatted down to get her and the mouse. "Yes. A live one." He handed it to Bruce, who tossed it into the trash can. "C'mon, Nira, come meet Thor. Do you need changed?" He checked, no obvious butt stink so she was probably fine. He carried her out, letting the boys follow him. "C'mon, guys, let's go potty?" They pouted. "I can change you at the same time." They ran for the nearest bathroom. "Let me end the butt problems the boys had, Thor."
"Of course. She's wet," he said. "She's grumbling about being wet." Thor looked so confused.
"That's not unusual for her," Tony said. "We're babysitting while her daddy naps. He *really* needed a rest." He carried her into the bathroom the boys had chosen, which happened to be the girl's bathroom but none were in there. He got them all changed and let the boys try the potty thing again before putting clean ones on. Jesse went this time and got a hug for it. The others patted him and they went back to bother Thor for a bit. He had a cape and a shiny. It was great. Plus he had hair that amused Nira when she found it.
Pepper and Natasha came off the elevator with bags and the baby napping on Pepper's shoulder. "Thor," she said, leaning down to kiss him on the cheek since he was on the living room floor with the boys. "Welcome back." She smiled at the boys. "Where's Daddy Xander?" They pointed. "Good boys." She carried the baby that way, putting her down next to Xander. That woke him and he blinked at her then at Pepper. "We wore her out shopping for cute things." She smiled. "We got her hair done too."
"I can see the pigtails. She's cute. Thank you."
"You're welcome." She walked off, letting the daddy handle the young girl. The boys were digging into the clothes with Natasha's help. Arlin had already claimed anything shiny as his. "Arlin, that's Joy's. It's a dress. Only girls wear dresses." She patted him on the head.
He pouted. "Mine?"
"You have other shiny things." She found one shirt, letting him have it. He squealed because it had animals on it. That woke his sister, who ran out to pounce him. "Eww! Smelly funny!"
She pouted. "Me girl!"
"Yes you are," Natasha agreed, patting her on the back. Joy belched. "Manners?" she prompted.
"Torry?"
"Excuse me," Pepper corrected. "You say 'excuse me' when you burp, Joy."
"'Kay!" she chirped, then belched in her brother's ear. "'Scuse me!" She stole her dress back. "Mine! For girls!"
Arlin hugged his shirt. "Mine then."
"That's yours," Pepper agreed, stroking over his hair. "You need a haircut." Arlin scowled at her. She grinned. "You're so fierce, Arlin." He grinned and grr'd at her without the tiger. "Yes, you're quite the beast."
Xander came out, staring at the kids. "Yes, they are. How much of the city will we have to restore?"
"Two labs," Tony quipped. "I've gotten them thinking about potty training."
"You're a damn saint," Xander said with a dopey grin at him. Tony smirked back, going back to the lab. "Guys, let's fold the clothes so they look good when you wear them." They handed him the clothes, letting him fold them so they could cuddle the folded things. He looked at the dress then at Pepper. "She'll never sit properly in it."
"It's got shorts to go under it. That's how little girls do it, Xander." He smiled, putting the shorts with it. Joy was fine with that, it gave her more to cuddle.
Thor watched, very amused, until Andrew stumbled out to dump magic from the balcony. Then he watched the strange sorcerer for a bit. He went into the kitchen to work on a meal for everyone, which made Thor pleased. He was a decent enough cook. It was odd that sorcerers did such things but he was sure some had to cook their own meals instead of summoning things to do it for them.
***
Buffy called Xander's phone. "I saw a picture of your daughter out with some lady. Was she picking up one for you?" she joked from the speaker.
He rolled his eyes while changing Nira's diaper. "She was out with her other daddy's female friends for a girls day, and some shopping since she's growing, Buffy."
"Have you thought about color coding the kids' clothes? We're about to do it for the baby slayers."
"Arlin would hate that, he likes shiny clothes. Jesse just likes shiny weapons," he joked.
"You let your son play with weapons?" she asked, sounding less than amused.
"He helps me sharpen swords and knives. Plus clean weapons. He's very helpful making them shiny."
"Uh-huh," she said. "Is that good for them?"
"Yeah, they're fine. We had a talk about what you don't touch on weapons."
"Uh-huh," she repeated. "Didn't he nearly blow up the house playing with a weapon I had under a couch?"
"He stepped on it, Buffy. Also, there was a baby slayer helping."
"Oh." She huffed. "Are they okay otherwise?"
"They're good. They're coloring on the books Miss Pepper got them to color on. We're hoping that HYDRA has learned not to mess with the kids."
"I'm sure they have. Are there any left?"
Xander grinned at the phone. "I can suggest that to someone."
"No, please don't." She heard him yelp. "Someone bite you?"
"Nira just peed on me. I'm changing her and she's got this shiteating grin she got from Andrew's side of the family," he said, cleaning her up again and getting a clean diaper. "Let's wait a while before we do that again, okay?" He hitched it then put her down. "There, wander for two minutes while I wash my hands." He did that. "Beyond asking about the kids, what's going on?"
"Glory can't be back, right?" she asked quietly.
"No. A thousand years if I remember right. Why?"
"Lots of newly insane people here, Xander."
"Well, there's probably others that can do the same thing. Have you asked the local poker circuit?"
"There's none near here. That's why we put this fallback here. The community in London hasn't heard anything."
"I can ask the ones here in New York."
"You're not at the house?"
"We're still hiding, Buffster."
"Oh. Okay. Please. Let me know?"
"Of course. I'll even send some of the improbable weapons if it is her. Gotta be easier to defeat something like Glory if you've got higher weapons," he quipped.
"Yeah, I hope so. Thanks, Xander."
"Welcome. Let me go change my shirt and stuff." He hung up, picking up the baby so he could walk out. He handed her to Clint. "Can you hold her while I change my shirt? She peed on me for Buffy calling about a problem." He went in to change. Andrew came out of the kitchen with a new pot of coffee when Xander came back pulling on a new t-shirt. "Got the carrier and can you handle the quad?"
"I can handle all them," Andrew said.
Xander grinned. "Buffy called." Andrew groaned, shaking his head. "She's got people who're looking like Glory got them."
"Was I there for her?"
"The sanity sucking goddess that stuck her crazy fingers in your head and sucked on your brain to top up her sanity?" Xander said.
"I heard but I was still a bad guy then." He took Nira. "I can deal with them while you go talk to the poker circuit."
"I figured a few would like to coo at her and I doubt I'll be attacked up here."
"Uh-huh. You will. Go armed?"
"And hidden," Xander quipped with a grin. "I can bring her, 'Drew."
"I've got her. It's safer, Xander. They probably won't attack here." He gave him a pointed look. "I can just see you turning yourself in to the NYPD if they attack so you can protect her." Xander rolled his eyes. "I've got 'em." He grinned. "I'm feeling lonely anyway. She can help me cook."
"Okay, if you're sure." He checked his weapons. "Let me go ask the poker circuit." He walked off, coming back to hand Andrew his phone. "Just in case you need the slayers since Amanda was pouty the last I heard." He walked off, going to the elevator. He walked into Pepper's office, waving from the doorway. "I have to go ask some questions about a problem Buffy's spotted. Andrew has the kids." She smiled and nodded. "Thanks, Pepper. Be firm if they're bothering you."
"They're not, Xander. It's sweet." He snorted but smirked at her. "Besides, it'll make them more normal."
"Buffy still thinks I'm normal," he said blandly, staring at her. "They're exceptional because they shouldn't exist." He walked off, going to the front entrance to get a cab. The driver tried to divert but Xander was testing a knife for sharpness. They let him off where he wanted. "Thanks, HYDRA dude." He got out, heading inside shaking his head. They all stared at him. "Buffy's heard about a sanity sucking thing near the fallback she's in. Anyone got any ideas before she has Glory flashbacks?" He flopped down at a table. "Andrew wouldn't let me bring Nira to coo at you guys."
The demon dealing the card game stared at him. "Does she think we're pretty, Harris?"
He grinned. "She's mine and Andrew's daughter. So probably."
The demons groaned, and a few paid off bets. The dealer looked at him. "Is she going to be an evil overlord sort?"
"Quite possibly if people don't quit upsetting us." He grinned. "We'll make sure she's a mostly just and kind one though." They all nodded. "Or we'll let her be the first geek president. We haven't decided yet. It might depend on how much she likes making minions."
"She's your daughter. She'll blow kisses and give blowjobs, they'll show up to be her minions without her asking them," another demon complained. Xander smirked at him. "She will. They like girls more than they do even you, Harris."
"I try, guys, but if I had minions there wouldn't be a HYDRA problem," he said dryly. "So, is Glory back? Or does she have some special relatives?"
"We heard it's a coven. They're sucking at people," the bartender called.
"Great. I can handle that if I have to and they can't." They all smirked at him. "Not the first one," he said. "By the way, what did you guys tell the baby daddy?" They all grinned at him. "How much I should say."
"Maybe ten things," one said with a shrug. "He was getting a bit freaked out. Did he adopt out those kittens?"
"Miss Potts did to their staff." They all sighed in displeasure. "Sorry, guys." He shrugged, getting comfy. "Should I worry about what you guys told him?"
"Nothing about what happened in Nigeria," one offered.
"Thanks. That would probably freak him out. He'd try to get Joy from me." They all nodded. "Anyway." He smiled. "Anything we need to know while we're here?"
"Amanda's been crying," one of the demons said. "We think she's had an accident with some demon blood."
"I can pop over to see her." He stood up. "Let me know, guys. We're up here for a few more days probably." They nodded. "Then we'll go back home to fix the shit in Cleveland again." They smiled at him. "Sometimes it happens that humanity is the bad thing. We realize that." He shrugged, leaving to go to the slayer house. The slayer threw open the door when he got nearby, making him stare at her. "Did Buffy ever share how she got to be telepathic for a while?" he asked dryly.
"I read that," she admitted. "We don't know what did it so we can't make the antidote."
"Have you asked?"
"The watchers said so."
"Ask Giles."
"I can't get hold of him."
Xander walked in, dialing him on her phone. "Reggie, Xander Harris. The slayer in New York is having a critical problem and we need Giles' experience with chaos magic to solve it. No, I don't think you can. Just put Giles on before I show up over there to remind people *I'm* second-in-command if he falls, Reggie," he ordered. "And I'll bring the kids to show them how much cooler destruction is." He looked at his nails then took her cellphone to dial someone else. They answered and he walked off talking to him.
He came back to hear Reggie still complaining about him. "Yay, Reggie." On that end, screaming had started but it was girlish screaming. Then Reggie screamed in fear and ran off. "Hey, Hubert, we need Giles," he said. "Amanda got infected by some demon with skills. Thanks. And yeah, please solve the snotty attitude thing again. Otherwise I'll have to bring the kids to teach them how to destroy things. They'll *adore* it. It goes so well with their desire for shiny things," he finished with a grin for the slayer. She was giggling. Giles snatched the phone.
"Thanks, Giles. Amanda got hit by the aspect of a demon thingy and everyone's been telling her to suffer. No, I asked Hubert to deal with the snotty attitude thing again before they tried to bomb me again. Why does Reggie still have a job since he tried to bomb both of us at the New York meeting?" He looked up. "Hey, Hubert, can you eat the spells on him too?" he called. Hubert did and belched. Giles moaned. "Are you back to normal now, Giles?" he asked dryly.
"Yeah, I did. That's fine. You can be mad that I let Hubert fix things. But it was him or me and the kids, Giles. Which did you want to do that? Oh, tell Buffy it's a coven not Glory." He called that. Hubert told him why. Giles yelled for Buffy louder this time. Xander grinned, sitting down. "Hey, my kids *love* shiny things and weapons, Giles. I'll gladly let them come help me destroy things. I'm *sure* they'd love to help me destroy the problems the girls are going to have. Also, why do I need to add three names to the memorial?" Giles spluttered.
"Yeah. I do. Ah, and the spell did what?" he quipped. Giles groaned and asked Hubert, who told him. Giles went off on the other watchers. "Hey, let's hire good people. We could use more good people. More people like us. With sense and skills and can hunt with the girls.... Yeah, those sort. Yup. No, we're hiding in New York with the baby daddy. If those sort try for the kids again I'm going to prove what I did in Africa when necessary, Giles.
"We have some great things. Including that Andrew made a wish for presently unused superhero weapons. Or hey, I could ask to get that staff of rage back. I did good with it during the protection times. Yup. That was me. I can do it again. Sure, you handle it. We'll gladly let you handle it while I do daddy things with Andrew. Well, Nira is *ours*, Giles. We're still deciding if she's going to be an evil overlord sort or the first geek president." Amanda went to the doorway. "Who is it, Amanda?"
"NYPD. They have the house bugged."
"Then they'd better have a warrant and we will let you move houses so they're fully uncovered for pissing us off by harming you. I'll be damned, Amanda. If they have you bugged then they probably knew about the stalker that broke in to try to kill you and haven't done anything. Which means I really need to hunt the little shithead down to kill him for you before he tries again."
She smiled. "I scared him with some help from a poker contact." She stared at the officer. "He's right. There's still a fourth amendment in this country. Frankly, you're making it so I don't really want to protect this city. Why would I want to protect people that let me nearly be raped and killed?" She slammed the door in his face. "Unless it's an emergency I don't care and since I'm presently infected with telepathy I know it's not an emergency." She walked off.
Xander repeated that. "Yeah, you can do that. No, I'll hold off on all destruction as long as you do it for me or someone legal does it for me, Giles. I know this isn't the wilds where I had to defend against militant yahoos with weapons. Or demons. Thanks." He hung up. "He'll get that potion made for you. There's one that's harder on you that'll work no matter what got you. He's also sending over the Council's legal counsel. They're going to talk to people for you." She hugged him. He hugged back. "Let me go stop the kids from destroying Manhattan."
"They'd do a really good job," she said with a grin.
He smirked. "They're my kids. Of course they would. Just think about what I did to that temple I got trapped in by that group who kidnaped me to help them out of there." He stood up. "You behave for the night." She nodded. "Good girl." He kissed her on the forehead. "Let me go spare Andrew. He offered to babysit all five of them. Miss Potts wants to make the kids *normal*." She shuddered. "Yeah, I told her Buffy considered me that way too. I don't think she was amused." He patted her on the cheek, walking outside. He stared at the officer. "Hi, I'm head US Watcher Xander Harris." The man backed up, eyes wide. Xander smiled. "You're bothering our slayer. Is that really legal?"
"There's a demon convention," the officer complained.
"If they're peaceful it's not our business. We only take out the ones that're hunting people or harming people. Otherwise we'd be too damn busy to do anything like sleep and eat. We're also against the obvious discrimination your city has given the local peaceful demon population for simply existing, and in many cases being here first. We didn't like it when you did it to the Native Americans and we don't like it now," he said. "I'm sorry you don't feel special enough but not our job, Officer." He walked off. The guy got in his face. Xander smiled. "Do you really want to do that?"
"I can arrest you."
"And I can sue your asses."
"If you live," he sneered.
Xander smirked. "You do realize we wear body cameras? And the house's security system tapes everything on or near the doorstep?" The officer backed off, still sneering. "Don't worry, we'll be talking to your bosses in a few moments." He looked at his nametag then smiled. "You have a better day, Officer Boyd." He stomped off, getting into his car and driving off calling someone. Amanda handed out the tape. "Thanks. Be safer tonight, okay?"
"I'm going to go see my cousin." She came out, locking the door before walking off. Xander walked off calling someone in the local community. They were aware of the police butthurt feelings. One of the Council's law team, who was slightly demonic, showed up to help him when he called him. He smiled at the borough chief. "Hi, I'm US Head Watcher Xander Harris." The man winced. "We're apparently having a few problems with some of your staff. Including one that just threatened to kill me because I promised that I'd sue him for threatening me when I told him it wasn't our job to take out the peaceful demons so it hurt his feelings. This is one of our lawyers." He smiled. "Can we work out a peace treaty so you quit eavesdropping on the local slayer, yet not responding when she nearly had to kill someone who came in to rape and kill her?"
"I'm not aware of any of that, Mr. Harris."
Xander smiled at the lawyer, who pulled out files. "We have been keeping track for the slayers. You're not the only city with this issue. LA has had a few thanks to their paranoid moments in the spring. Thankfully Connor Angel handled them easier as LA has liaisons for the Council to work with." He handed over files for him. "The one for that incident is about halfway down."
"Our security system from today's event," Xander said, holding up the CD. The borough chief looked them over then called in the city's counsel to help him. Slayers were too important to upset or get hurt. Theirs being hurt would mean the NYPD would have to hunt on their own. No one wanted that. It gave them bad press and even worse officer quitting rates. When the Counsel came in with a background check on the young asshole in front of him, it was enough to make his ulcer act up. No wonder this guy was the head guy on the hellmouth.
***
Xander walked into the tower that night, smiling at the waiting kid in the elevator. "Did you sneak, Arlin?" He grinned, nodding at him. "Good boy sometimes but you have to let people know where you are if you're being babysat." He picked him up to cuddle. "Uncle Rupert said hi."
"Cool!" They went upstairs. "Found him!" he yelled, wiggling down to run off.
Tony leaned out of the kitchen. "The NYPD threatened to kill you?"
"I've had bigger, badder, and worse try," Xander said dryly. "Hell, there's three contracts on my life thanks to militant yahoo groups." He walked in there, hugging the other kids. "I didn't mean to be gone that long but I had to do a peace treaty between the local demon council and the NYPD." He kissed Jesse on the head since he pouted. "Were you good for Andrew?" They all grinned and nodded. He looked at Andrew, who shrugged one-sidedly. "Were they?"
"They were toddlers. They were okay. They napped." He shrugged again and ate a bite of dinner. "Amanda okay?"
"With her cousin tonight. I called one of the lawyers we have on retainer to talk about the officer that threatened to kill me." He rolled his eyes. "They worked things out while I waited. Giles said thank you for saving him a trip and the thing over there is a coven not Glory returned."
"That's great news," Andrew agreed. He handed him a plate, getting a grin and Xander sitting in the free spot one of the kids gave up by climbing up him. "Eat, Xander."
"I am." He cuddled the kids while he ate, letting them steal off his plate while he stole some of theirs. It meant they ate theirs and left him a tiny bit of food.
"No wonder you're losing weight," Pepper said.
He nodded. "They're mooches. I'm still working on that."
Joy belched. "'Scuse me," she chirped.
Xander grinned. "Nice manners, Joyceline. Try not to belch so loudly or do it into a napkin?" She tried that again, forcing out a belch and then excused herself. "Better, thank you," he said with a grin.
"Hoppity and shiny not here, Daddy," she said.
"Did he take your bunny with him?" he asked, looking at Tony and Pepper. She shook her head, rolling her eyes.
"Hoppity's in the washer because Hoppity tried to eat the nasty oil that's bad for him," Tony said.
"Ah. Yeah, oil's not good for bunnies, Joy. It's bad for their bellies, makes them puke like you did when you were sick." She grimaced but pouted and nodded. "I'm sure Hoppity will be better once that's all out of his system. Maybe even by tomorrow." Tony nodded. "So can you curl up with another stuffed friend tonight?"
"Mine," Arlin said firmly, hugging his stuffed wolf.
"We have an extra one for Nira she can borrow," Andrew said. "Nira's too young to sleep with one but Willow got her one anyway." Joy sniffled but nodded. "Good girl." He patted over her hair. "Finish dinner? That way we can do the bath thing?" She stuffed her mouth. Xander grinned at him. "They're usually good for me because they know I don't have your energy, Xander."
"I know, 'Drew. Thank you for being such a great second-daddy."
"You're welcome but the first time some girl thinks I'm your boyfriend I'm going to have to beat your ass with something robotic so I can get the slutty girlfriend sort back."
"Sure, I'll let you try," Xander quipped. He looked down at Jesse, who grinned up at him. "Are you a good boy?" He shook his head. "Why not?"
"He put cheetos in Bucky's arm plates," Pepper said, smiling at them. They were so cute.
"Daddy, me cuddle?" Henry asked.
"Sure. Jesse, switch places with Henry." They did it and he cuddled him. "Were you feeling left out? All you have to do is cuddle me and I'll cuddle back." He kissed him on the back of the head. "You smell like shampoo. Did Uncle Andrew give you a bath already?"
"He helped Hoppity play in the oil," Tony said.
Xander looked at him. "Did you ask first?" He pouted but shook his head. Xander squeezed him. "It's all right, Henry. We'll figure that stuff out together." He nodded, stealing from his father's plate. Xander ate some, he needed dinner. Xander looked at Andrew. "Any news from home?"
"We won't have to rebuild the house. The court case against the idiots who made the kids for us is going well thanks to the new judge being assigned. Others have noted it, getting the name lists we handed over as evidence." He grinned. "They're hopefully arresting most of them instead of laughing at them being caught."
"There's always hope," Xander agreed. "Do we have to appear soon?" Andrew shook his head. "That's fine. Make sure I hear about those things. I don't ever seem to see those or my chores around the house."
"You run the house, that is your chore," Andrew said.
"That's your job."
"No, I run the household side of things. You run the slayer side of things. That's all the chores we need, Xander."
"Okay. Let me know if you need me to fill in somewhere while they're napping." He grinned at him. "Two more years and they go to pre-K a few hours a day."
Andrew nearly squealed and hugged him. "That'll be so cool! All the minis can too!" They nodded at each other.
"Why aren't the minis at a safer house?" Clint asked.
"For the same reason I had to have a demon I know go nearly eat a few of the other watchers earlier," Xander quipped with a grin. "They're assholes. One of them told a slayer suffering a huge problem to suck it up even though it was going to kill her in a few days if it's not solved. We'd like the old line to all die off so the problems end but we're behind on hiring. It's better to have the minis where they can be supported and not raised by the assholes."
Clint nodded. "I can see that. What about a special house just for them?"
"If we had people to protect them, we'd like that," Andrew said. "We talked about a farm that was just for the house's needs. That way all the hoovers had enough veggies to eat. We can't find one we like that could be productive and someone to run it while helping raise the minis safely."
"If a few of the slayers from overseas would retire, they could," Xander said. "They're used to farming for their families. Sahri. Toma, or whatever she changed her name to so she could get away from her relatives." He looked at Andrew with a grin. "A few of the girls in Africa could probably help since they do it at home."
"I'll suggest that to Giles."
"Tell him you came up with it. He's frustrated with me again since I asked Hubert to go eat Reggie for spelling Giles to forget he had nearly bombed me and him during the New York meeting a few months back."
Andrew looked up, rolling his eyes. "I'm sure he'd have hated to be eaten by the naked, seven-foot-tall, puce demon, Xander, but is Hubert really that mean?"
"He's that scary," Xander corrected with a grin. "Which is what was needed. If I was going for deadly I would've asked the Sahara group to pay off their poker debt to me."
Andrew shuddered. "That's a nasty thing to have in holding." Xander just grinned. "Can they finish off HYDRA?"
"Too big."
"Shoot." Nira started to babble at them, making them smile at her. "Aww, you just said dada!" Andrew cooed, pulling her over to cuddle. "That's so great! You spoke! You don't even sound like Spike!" He cooed and cuddled her, letting her babble at him.
Xander patted down her hair. "Good job, Nira. Very good job to speak, sweetheart." He looked at Henry, who grinned up at him. "You guys should help her with that." He grinned and nodded. "Good boy, Henry." He wiggled, leaning over to hug her. She patted him back. "Aww." The other three got up to hug her around Andrew too. "You guys are so great." Joy belched in her brother's ear again, making him growl at her. "Joy, that's not nice. Apologize and go sit down." She pouted but mumbled a 'torry' and went back to her seat. "Thank you. Quit being such a butt to your brothers." She pouted more but oh well. She had brought it on herself.
Pepper pulled her closer to talk to her about behaving like a young lady. She was old enough to learn manners and how to treat people more nicely.
***
Andrew walked into the slayer house first, alone, to make sure it was safe. He knew someone was there, the door had been open. "Hello?" he called. "We're back." Someone came rushing but it was one of the slayers. "Hey, Tabitha. Just you?"
"So far. I drove off a vampire trying to live here. He thought you had crap taste in cookies." She hugged him. "Is Xander all right?"
"He's fine. He's got the kids so he'll be here later." She nodded, walking off. Andrew followed to check his kitchen. That's when he saw the other person. "Not nice to lie, Tabitha."
"Sorry but Willow's right. Xander shouldn't have those kids. They need to be raised by people with sense."
Andrew looked at her, walking off shaking his head. Someone got in his way so he magiced them all, including Tabitha and the two other slayers waiting. He called on the house system. "Giles, me. I just had three slayers here helping HYDRA to try to get the kids. They're presently cats. They quoted Willow. Come rescue them before I lose my shit." He hung up, going to check the rest of the house. Someone had nicely left him dirty laundry. Someone had left a plate with food in their room because it was moldy and had bugs. That got thrown out and the laundry could wait. He texted Xander, who promised he'd deal with them if he had to. Andrew pointed out he had so it was okay. To just be safe with the kids.
***
In DC, Xander held up his phone to the other baby daddy. DiNozzo had demanded that he show up with the kids before going home to make sure it was safer. DiNozzo took the phone to text Andrew to see if he could get names. "Three slayers," Tony said quietly, looking at Xander. "Andrew said they quoted Willow."
"I'm going to kill her and them," Xander said bluntly. "I'm not usually violent but I'm finding the depths of my temper and I will do something really stupid yet effective."
"Let us try first, kid," Gibbs ordered. He took the phone from his senior agent, looking up the names. "Hmm. One is NCIS." He went to talk to his director, who could fix that one's problems once he was human again. She wasn't thrilled but they could handle it. The kids were charming DiNozzo and other agents into being their treat-feeding slaves. They were cute but Harris had his hands full with the little girl. He paused when he heard the growl but then one of the boys burst out crying.
"Joy!" Xander growled. "Sit. Stare at the wall. Don't make me spank. Your Auntie taught you what that was." He pointed. She sniffled, but did as Daddy said. "You know better than to pick on the boys. You aren't the goddess either and I will *not* allow you to turn into Willow. You're going to learn shit, daughter!" She hid in the corner.
Gibbs finished his walk, smiling at the firm fatherhood attempt. The kid had skills. "Director, we have a HYDRA agent. He got caught at the slayer house trying to get control of the children."
"Not in *my* agency," she said, taking the notes.
***
Xander reappeared in Cleveland, smiling at the agents he walked into the office of. "Guys." They stared at him. "We could use you at the slayer house. Andrew's going to turn back the ones that were waiting on us to take the kids."
"Where are the kids?" one asked.
"Gibbs is babysitting tonight." He grinned. "I don't think HYDRA is going to bother him."
"No, none of us like to bother him," one agreed. "Yeah, we can arrest them. Are they human?"
"Cats. And three of them are slayers." They all winced. "Coming?" They nodded, giving him time to get there first. They followed. The two that were HYDRA in hiding took notes. They ended up cats as soon as they came through the doorway.
Andrew leaned out, grinning and waving. "Protections. I just laid them earlier." He leaned back into the kitchen. "Where's my baby, Xander?"
"Gibbs suggested he babysit."
"Awww. He seemed tough and uptight. Maybe Joyceline will learn manners."
"I put her in the corner earlier. She was being a bitch to the boys and trying to turn into Rosenburg. I'll be damned."
Andrew pointed at the caged cats. "I'm missing one and those two that just got changed."
Xander found them, putting them into the cage. The agents took them outside and they changed back with him willing it. The agents got arrested. "No, you take the slayers too," Xander ordered with a point. "They're disgracing their sisters. If you don't take them I'm going to correct them and they'll be proper slayers again soon." They nodded, taking them off too. "Did we call Buffy?" he called into the house.
"Yeah, I called Giles. I'm sure by now he's told her so she can rant, and ranted at Willow since they got the idea from her." He grinned at Xander. "Can't I have the baby yet? I miss being babbled at."
"Call, 'Drew." Andrew dialed Tony's phone, getting him and Gibbs. Xander looked at the agents, who all shook their heads. He grinned. "You have fun. Before I have fun."
"Yeah, we can do that. Did you really walk into a temple and have to destroy it?" one of them asked.
"I've walked into worse but it had to be done. I was asked to help those because they got stuck. Seriously, it wasn't that bad compared to the last hellmouth battle." They shuddered. "Going inside the hellmouth, much worse than anything else. Even if you wanted to piss yourself." He shrugged. "I was there and someone had to handle it."
"Are you going to stop that?"
"If I can but there's not that many watchers left that aren't assholes who hate the girls. Until we get more, I can't do it. Someone has to help the girls." He shrugged. "Andrew's not able to do that."
"I get that," the agent agreed. "Some of us would if we could get there."
"We send out announcements," Andrew called. "Show up."
"I can look for those. Do we get them?"
"Homeland and the mayor," Xander said. "They demanded."
"Include us," another agent ordered with a smile. "We'd like to help." Xander nodded. "Thanks, Harris." They took their idiots back with them.
Xander walked inside. "They close?"
"About an hour. Can you check the rest of the house?" Xander nodded, going to do that. He brought down the laundry and took the stuff out of the dryer to fold for him too. When the kids got there, Tony and Gibbs carried them in, with Nira being cuddled between Arlin and Gibb's chests. Andrew plucked her from them to cuddle. The other four got put down in their beds thanks to Xander taking them from the uncle. Then they came down to the kitchen to have a meeting. They had to figure out how to do things so the kids were safer. Gibbs didn't like that lawsuit against the scientists but it was probably helping find them all so they could be eliminated.
***
One Little, Two Little, Three Little Knights, Four Little, Five Little, Six Little Xanders.