Portents of Absurd Doom
Xander Harris looked around the room he woke up in. He realized it was a hospital room. It was really white, really bright, and stunk like antiseptic and sick people. He looked at himself. He hadn't been in a battle that he remembered. He only had two bandages and an IV. One bandage around his ankle looked like it might be covering a cut from getting out of restraints. The one around his stomach was thicker, wider, and he had no idea how it had happened. So he pushed the button for the nurse.
"Yes," the speaker said.
"Would you like to tell me why you've kidnaped me?" he asked. "Or how I got here otherwise?"
"Be right there, Mr. Harris." She hung up. A few minutes later a youngish woman and a guy not in a doctor's coat walked in. "Mr. Harris, this is Agent Rigers."
Xander blinked at him. "Okay. Why am I in a hospital in the UK instead of on my usual patrol cycle, which the last I knew was in upper Africa?" He stared at the agent. Who winced. "Might as well tell me now before I call and ask Willow."
"They don't know anything, Mr. Harris. We rescued you from a lab." He took a step back at the growl. "Um...."
"Blood hunters or other lab?" Xander asked coolly.
"Blood hunters?" the nurse demanded. "Why would they...." The agent held up a hand. "Do you know about that?"
"No, I kept that hidden because it'd be a bad thing in my life," Xander quipped. He looked at the agent again. "What sort of lab was it?"
"I've seen your file and it said you're a comic book fan." Xander nodded slowly. "These people would be analogous to AIM."
"So crackheads with weird ideas and weapons?"
"Yup," the agent said with a nod. "And wanting to breed warriors." Xander snorted. "Well...." He took another step back. "We found you in the lab right after they had implanted a uterus. And we think an embryo."
Xander looked at the nurse. "Did you give him psych drugs?"
"No. We cleaned up the mess they made."
"Did you take it out?"
"We're not allowed, sir." She winced. "Orders have come down from on high that we are not allowed to remove it."
The agent shook his head. "The US president said that we're not allowed to handle that problem at all."
"So he's involved or there's a demon he's sucking the cock of. Which?" Xander asked.
"We think the second," the agent said with a grin. "We're pretty sure actually. No one's told your people anything."
Xander nodded once. "WILLOW!" he bellowed. A witch appeared. "Well, not the witch I wanted," he said dryly.
"Problems, Xander?" she asked, smiling at him.
"If that's the file, go ahead and give it to her. I'll probably need some support while I'm pregnant." The witch gave him an odd look but took the file to look over then broke out swearing in Latin. Xander stared at her. "I've only just been told the President of the US won't let them remove the uterus they implanted."
"We know he's indebted," the witch said patiently, trying to sound not angry. "I...."
"Not like I asked," Xander noted. He sat up to stare at her, holding his stomach because that hurt. "Which is why I called for Willow so we can formulate a plan."
"The Goddess might have blessed this one."
"Then she can have some girl give birth. Because I sure don't want to be one." The witch winced. "So, how do we handle this? Because if the Powers blessed this then I'm probably having something that'll attack the slayers with the way they hate me."
She nodded. "Quite possibly," she admitted. "Um... Is he being released today?" she asked the duo.
"No," the nurse said. "Not unless we get attacked by something wanting him."
Xander stared at her. "While there's a few," he said dryly then grinned at her. "Most of them would be dates who'd want pity screwing."
"We've stopped one of those by telling her you've had abdominal surgery by that group so you're not able to sit yet. Do lay down."
Xander stared at him. "What's the worst that can happen if I don't?"
"You bleed to death," the nurse said. Xander sighed but laid back down. She came to check his stomach incision. He pointed at his ankle and looked at her. "You were fighting hard to get out of the cuffs when they found you. The others healed already."
"That one's deeper and you tore a few muscles," she said. He nodded once, looking at the witch. She came over to wave a hand over his stomach while muttering a spell, then stepped back wiping her hand off. The nurse looked at her. "Was that a pregnancy check?"
"Yes, and he's carrying a young male fetus that's infected with hellmouth taint."
"So I'm giving birth to my evil clone?" Xander asked dryly.
"It appears so." The witch wiped her hand off again. "Let me tell Willow so she can throw a fit that won't destroy this hospital." She texted someone and disappeared.
Xander looked at the agent. "Did you guys rescue me?"
"Yes." He grinned.
"Tomlison is down there."
"He's an ass to the girls."
"You can have someone else moved down there. We do have to caution you to be a bit calm."
Xander snorted. "The second you guys leave I'm swearing. A lot."
"That's what we'd expect," the nurse agreed. She nearly fled the room.
The agent looked at him, shrugging some. "We have no idea. If Rosenburg should show up, do try to contain her fit?"
"She'll throw a fit at me for having this done to me," Xander said. "Though she should go find them."
"We're fairly certain we got them all."
"I'll go ask a poker debt later." The agent nodded, fleeing from him.
Xander looked up then sighed. "Willow?" he called again. "Can you do a language spell so I'm swearing in something other than english?" No answer so he decided to throw a raging fit. That brought Willow, who stared at him oddly. He stared at her. "One of the coven has the file from the people who decided I needed to be pregnant."
"There's no way," she said with a smile. "Did the hospital give you funny drugs after surgery?"
"Do a check." She did and stepped back, eyes wide. "Yeah. Some agent rescued me from a lab. They wanted to be like AIM. Which were Jonathan's comic idols."
She let out a nervous chuckle. "Um...."
He sat up again, holding his stomach. "The witch that came when I tried to get you last time so you could look over all the science said I'm carrying my clone."
"Lay down please, Mr. Harris. Don't make me sedate you," the intercom said.
Xander leaned over to look out the door. No nurse's desk that way. "You try that and I'm escaping." He looked at her again. "So...." He grinned. "It appears I need some protection strategies. Before I go sob on some of my former lovers or the poker buddies." The nurse came in with a needle but Willow floated her back out. Xander grinned at her. "You and the blonde thang can be aunts."
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. I can do that." She cast another spell over him. "Oh, shit," she muttered. "I think you are carrying your own clone."
"Great! I can have a protege of destruction." He beamed at her. She shuddered. Then disappeared. He grinned at the mirror across from him then decided to get up and get his things so he could leave. He found his phone and called while sitting down to step into his sneakers. "Hey, Beth. It's me. I'm in London or somewhere in the UK just escaping from a hospital. Can you put on your mom?" His slayer put her mother on the phone.
"It's me. Kick Tomlison into a pond, he can't swim. And it'll be a bit before I get back. Up to about ten months. No, some agents found me in a lab and they did something so I'm carrying my own evil clone. Not an explosive tumor like on that show, no. I'm actually pregnant. Willow's about to throw a fit so I'm going to hide. Um, I'll be there as soon as I can. Can you have her get my stuff and my truck and I'll pick it up as soon as I can? Thanks."
He hung up and called another one. "Will you protect me for a few days?" he asked. "No, I'm about to escape from a hospital that's holding me hostage for being pregnant. Yup, that's what I said. Thanks." He hung up and walked out, letting the nurse cut off the bracelet when he held out his hand and stared at her. She handed over two prescriptions. He looked then at her. "Safe or not?"
"Safe. We were ordered to make sure that child came to be."
Xander just nodded. "I'm going to go find a boyfriend and then I'll deal with the demon above that idiot. Thanks!" He walked off. He got about a block from the hospital before a car spun up in front of him. It wasn't someone he knew so he scratched a spot on his arm. He got it open when people got out with guns and came toward him, pulling out the bigger weapon he had hidden so it could grow. They stared at it then started to back away slowly. Xander fired on them and they all went down to the sonic tornado that the weapon produced.
Xander took their keys and got in the car, heading off to find that boyfriend. At least he could figure out where he was because the car was a rental and had a map machine. That boyfriend was about an hour away but that's not that far. He parked and got out, slamming the door. "The idiots that tried to get me at the hospital were driving it," he told the staring guard. "It's a rental of some kind."
"We can turn it in," the guard said. "He's pacing in his office, Xander."
Xander stopped to grin at him. "Do we know anything about the lab that had me?"
"Very little but they're all gone. Did they do something?"
"Yeah. I'm pregnant. Possibly with my own clone."
The guard swallowed then nodded. "Um... Yeah."
"Yeah." Xander grinned with a nod. "If they exist, I get them first."
"Agreed!" He walked him inside, knocking on the door. "Sir!" He let Xander in then went back to his post to get rid of that car and not think about how bad that guy being pregnant would be.
Xander looked at his lover, kicking the door shut. He took off his t-shirt then the bandage. "They inserted stuff."
"Oh, crap," he said, coming over to look at it. "I can get my doctor in, Xander. What did they insert?"
"Apparently a clone and a uterus." He stared at him. "And the US president has declared I must have this kid. Apparently his demon overlord is anxious for my next generation to kill it."
"That seems to be the usual statement," Xander said dryly, sitting down with a wince then laying down on the couch. "Sorry, sore."
"No, I'd be sore too. Let me get my doctor in." He made that call and came over to check him over. The bandage around his ankle got changed. He had a few stitches there. The stomach stitches looked nasty to his semi-trained eye. His doctor got there fairly quickly and came in to look over Xander's stomach. He went on a swearing rant for Xander too.
That night, thanks to that boyfriend's help, Xander was in a field summoning that demon. When one showed up, he threw a bomb at it, making it scream as it burned. A few more appeared and he went off on them. A few more appeared and he went after them with his borrowed weapons.
Two slayers and a watcher appeared, rushing over. "Xander, let us!" one yelled. "You're delicate!"
"They're the ones that wanted me to be pregnant! They can die for it!" He took another swing. The girls paused to give him a horrified look but took on the demons for him.
The watcher pulled Xander over to look at him. "What's happened now?" Xander told him. "Oh my word," he muttered, then crossed himself. He wasn't Catholic but sometimes you had to just cross yourself. "What are we doing?"
"The ones that the president of the US is sucking off made him declare that the child must be born."
"And it appears it's my clone."
"Yup. So I *really* need to kill those demons. A lot. Though, the one I summoned isn't here yet. He sent a few minions."
"I am not a minion!" a female demon called. Then she screamed as her head came off.
"Yes you are!" one of the slayers complained.
Finally the higher demon showed up. "This means you're impotent for a month," the demon sneered.
Xander kicked open something and fired it at him, making the demon scream in pain. Xander strolled over to go back to whacking away at it. "No, I'm not. Even if I'm too big to swing a sword, I have artillery. It compensates for not being able to kick ass physically." He finally killed that one then spit on it. "Let's see your human minions doing things now. So much easier to defeat the plans." He huffed, looking at the watcher then at the slayers.
"FYI, ladies. There was a comic book loving group who decided they wanted to breed an army of me. They started by making me carry my own clone. I'm about a month along." They all stared at him. He lifted a corner of his t-shirt to show off the bandage. "So yeah, I'm going to be in a *charming* mood for a bit."
"Maybe some of the bad demons will flee your temper," one quipped with a grin. "Do the higher ups know?"
"I told Willow. A witch from the coven found out when I tried to tell Willow the first time." He grimaced. "She's the one that let me know I'm carrying my own clone." One patted him on the arm. "Thanks. Even my boyfriend wouldn't cuddle. But he did let me have some weapons so I could blow the fuck out of these demons because they liked this idea." He looked at the mess then at them, shrugging some.
"I really do need to get back to my girls in Africa. Someone sent Tomlison." He rolled his eyes. "I told Beth's mom to drown him." The watcher let out a snort of amusement but nodded, typing notes back. "If that's to Giles, let me know where he wants me to work so someone can do protections on my truck." He looked at the slayers again, who all shrugged. "Yeah, it's going to be that sort of year."
"You'll miss the next apocalypse battle," one offered. "You'd be about to pop during the spring."
"That might be the next apocalypse battle," Xander pointed out. "The PTB hate me." The girls all groaned but nodded they knew that. "If so, I'm going to introduce my clone to the concept of evil but only to other evil ones. Maybe he'll turn into Doctor Doom. I'd do great running a country. And I'd be a nicer despot than he was in the comics."
"You...need some rest," one of the slayers said quietly and calmly. "C'mon. Let the boyfriend have his weapons back and we'll go back to the main center so Giles can swear at Janus. And we can all freak out then decide how we'll be aunties."
"Giles said it's not safe to have him there," the watcher said.
Xander looked over. "My name's on the building since I found it and bought it for him." He grinned. The watcher groaned. "Let me go hand the weapons over." One of the bodyguards came jogging over to get the remains of the weapons he had borrowed. The watcher got them all back to an airport and back to Cleveland.
Xander walked in and right into an ambush by Giles. "I don't think it's a good idea for the girls to get attached to a possibly evil being," he told Xander.
"Since it's a clone of me, I didn't think I was that evil." Giles flinched back, looking horrified. He looked at Willow. "Was it a true clone?"
"Yeah, it is. You're having yourself."
Xander looked at Giles. "Am I suddenly that evil?"
"No. Not usually," Willow quipped.
"I have the right to have a temper," he said firmly.
"Yes you do," the slayers that had traveled back with him agreed, nodding to show they agreed. They ran off yelling 'meeting in the kitchen' at the top of their lungs.
Xander grinned. "Thanks for doing that for me so I don't have to hear shit," Xander called after them. "I'm doing enough panicking for everyone else."
"Are you sure it's not a bad sign then?" Giles demanded.
"Gee, I don't know *why* I've been throwing a fit, Giles. Not like a guy's supposed to have a uterus implanted by people that the old Council used to fund. No! Guys aren't supposed to be pregnant at all! It's perfectly normal." He glared at him. Giles stepped back. "But yeah, I can go make my own area in Africa if I have to. I'll make a *great* world leader!"
"I don't believe that's a good idea," Giles said quietly. "We used to fund them?"
Xander nodded, taking out his phone to pull up the file his boyfriend had found. Willow handed over the one from the hospital. Xander held it up. "I do believe Quentin Travers was a watcher," he said sarcastically. "I don't know why I think that."
Giles took the phone to read then the file. He grimaced. "Fuck!" Willow flinched away from him. He calmed himself. "He had them breeding better slayers."
"Well, gee, I don't think I'm a girl with a mole but I guess maybe we can do a sex change on the fetus."
"No, we can't," Willow said in a squeak. "It's protected." She ran off to tell the others.
Xander looked at Giles. "So far I've taken out the demon that was controlling the president of the US and a few of his minions. Though a few slayers tried to take my fun. I really need to go kill me a few more that had happy thoughts about this idea."
"That's not a good idea. It can kill it and there's no telling if you'd survive that since the PTB seem to like this idea too."
Xander grinned at the watcher who had noted that from the hallway. "I'll make sure my kid has a *happy* talk with them when he's older if I don't get to." The watcher walked off shuddering. "You can tell everyone this was a plan that was started by Travers. He paid those idiots to make stronger slayers. Instead they decided I should bear a little me. Literally." He looked at Giles, who was shuddering. "So."
"Oh, dear." He walked off. "We'll talk about it when you've calmed down."
"I am calm. I'm very calm. I killed six demons already, got pity cuddles, got lunch, escaped a hospital in the UK and blew up the idiots who tried to kidnap me when I left the hospital." He followed, shaking his head at the stares. "Don't ask me. I woke up in a hospital wondering why I was there." He got a few pats. Buffy was just staring at him. "Hey, it could be worse. I could be carrying *your* clone instead of mine."
She shuddered. "That's a really horrible thought. I'd hate to call you Daddy, Xander."
He grinned. "Just think about what fun my kid will have with my boyfriends and girlfriends." She walked off making whining noises trying not to cry. He looked at Andrew. "Do we have any food?"
"I won't have cravings for five months. Right now I'm just post-battle hungry." Andrew handed him the containers of leftovers from breakfast. "Thanks, Andrew. By the way, these guys wanted to be AIM."
"Jonathan would've been *so* disappointed," he sighed. "The real AIM would've made you carry the clone of some hero so they could turn it evil."
Xander grinned at him. "If mine turns evil I'll show him how to be Doctor Doom. We'll take over some little country somewhere and stop all the civil wars." He ate a bite of sausage.
"I can see you doing that," Andrew admitted. "Really fast."
"Well, I will have mood swings in a few months," he joked with a grin. Andrew groaned then hugged himself as he walked off. He looked at the girls. "I'll let you guys ask questions so you don't have to figure it out by getting pregnant before you decide you're ready."
They all nodded and let him eat while they went to talk in the tv room. The other watchers went to make notes so they could make sure the future Council members wouldn't let it ever happen again. The few that found the notes from the old Council about this idea, they handed them to Harris so he could take those moods out on them.
Xander walked into the poker hall in Cleveland, the one the slayers were allowed in. The bartender glared at him but he walked into the back room without having to knock out the guard this time. He stared at them. "I'd really like a list of all the morons involved in this situation. If only so I have to get some exercise for the next eight months."
One of the higher demons stared at him then he noticed his stomach. He frowned and licked what might be lips. "How did that happen?"
"Some lab people who wanted to do weird things. Apparently some higher demons demanded that I carry my clone all the way to term."
"I think they wanted a sacrifice," another one said. He reached a flipper over to pat Xander's stomach, getting swatted for it. "You really are with kit."
"I'm really with clone. It's me." He grinned. "And I've already taken care of one of them that demanded I carry to term so he won't be needing a sacrifice. But I can promise to be amusing if you guys give me a list." He smiled. "Giles thinks my clone will be evil so apparently I need to prove how evil I can be."
"Um, yeah, we can give the slayers a list."
Xander leaned down closer to that one, still smiling. "Why would I need the help? Did you not hear how I've already handled a *bunch* of problems?"
One moaned. "I have," he whined. "Oh, dear. Do the queens and kings you've run into in Africa like this?"
"Haven't gotten back there yet," he admitted. "I'll be going back soon so the girls quit staring at me." He smirked. "Then we'll see. A few might be very happy for me. I might even ask one to train the future me."
A very large demon stomped in. "Harris." He nodded then noticed his stomach. "So that is the reason for all the constipation complaints we're getting."
Xander rubbed his stomach. "Travers paid a group to breed tougher slayers and they decided they needed future watchers so I'm carrying my own clone. I'm looking for a list of demons who prompted and liked this idea. I need something to do for the next eight months. The birth will probably bring an apocalypse but I'll be a bit busy for that one. Better get them before they decide to bless my clone."
"Your future son..." the new demon said.
"No, they made it my literal clone. So I'm pregnant by my self and carrying myself."
The demon stared then backed out of the room slowly. "I will find that list for you if they do not, Knight. Have an easy birthing. We will gladly bless you with an easy pregnancy and birthing." He turned and fled.
Xander grinned at the others. "This is why I need things to do. I'm freaking out too many people."
They all nodded. "Yes, you are," one agreed. "We will find that list for you so you can summon them to Africa."
"Thanks!" He patted one then strolled out. "I'm going to take my freaked out and foul mood out on some vampy vamps since I haven't been on patrol in years." He smirked at the bartender. "Don't warn them."
"No, we will not. Better them than us." He waved. Xander went to go on patrol. Even if Faith would try to stop him and complain about it. Pity she'd lose that argument.
In the back room, the demons mostly burst out swearing at the higher beings. A few were crying but most were swearing about doing this to their orderly society and plans.
It took three days for others to hear from some source. Probably from the president trying to complain that his deal making time was done with. Or some reporter had heard Buffy and Willow complaining about it in a mall's food court while they shopped away the stress. Or both maybe.
Giles had complained for over an hour about the infestation of reporters outside the center so Xander had changed clothes and went out to deal with it head on. That way they'd leave him alone! He needed to finish his sulking in peace. He stared at the staring reporters. "What have you heard?" he asked patiently. He was used to stupid people so this wasn't much different.
"Someone said that you're undergoing a mystical pregnancy? Are you really just transgender?"
"No, you're wrong on both counts." He went inside and came out with the file from Giles' desk. "Here," he said, handing it to a real reporter from a channel he recognized. "I woke up in a hospital in the UK, wondering why I wasn't in Africa on my usual patrol route." He grimaced. "They told me that some comic book wannabe villains had me and they had rescued me on the president's order." He leaned on the fence. "That's the file that an acquaintance found for me after I escaped the hospital."
The reporter skimmed it. "Who is this Travers person?" she asked, looking up.
Xander grinned. "Former head of the Council when it got blown up. He wanted them to make stronger slayers. Apparently they decided to start with stronger watchers." He shrugged and shifted some. "I summoned one of the Devon Coven to make things make sense and she found out that I'm actually carrying my clone. This was after the US president demanded that I have to carry this one to term. So I kindly did away with the one that gave him that idea," he finished blandly. "And most of his minions."
"We've all seen that mark on his arm," another reporter complained. "What is the present Council doing, Mr. Harris?"
"Mostly swearing at me to calm down and the girls trying to figure out how to be good aunties in about eight months." He grinned at her. "They're all kinda freaked out too."
"The president has said that if this child isn't carried it'll be an apocalypse," the reporter that had the file said.
Xander shook his head. "It's possible me having this kid is this spring's apocalypse. Though, if my clone goes bad I'll teach him how to take over a bad area and be a fair person, very Doom like." He grinned at her. "You can tell the asshole I'm going to deal with that prophecy myself. Thanks."
She shivered, shrinking down a bit. "Okay. Are you healthy?"
"So far. They implanted the stuff and it hasn't infected." He lifted up his shirt some to show the stitches. "So far I'm just freaked out and really, really angry."
"How do you know it's your clone?" one of the reporters in the back asked.
"The witch that came when I tried to get Willow tested it and realized that. So I'm carrying myself." He shrugged. "I'm great and neat enough that two of me will be a great thing for the slayers probably."
"This sounds very fantastic, Mr. Harris. Can we do a sonogram?" the reporter with the file asked.
Xander nodded. "I'm about due to have one in a few days. They have to check the stuff that got shoved into my guts. We can release the tape."
"Can one of us be there to make sure there's no switching? You know someone will say that you did."
Xander grinned and nodded. "I've already heard all that from the talking heads of the supposed news stations." They smiled at him. "Let them do the medical stuff and I'll let someone view it after the formal stuff is out of the way?" They all nodded at that. "For now, please spread that around?" He grinned. "Before I get some outraged woman here trying to kill me for taking her special duty over?"
"Gladly," that reporter agreed. "When is your appointment?" Xander went inside to look at that and came back with it copied down. They could decide for themselves who went. And Xander would have a guard that day just in case. His local boyfriend had said that. Xander went back inside so the reporters could all look over that file and send in reports. By the time agents got there to try to confiscate the file there were copied parts already on multiple news networks.
Along with a formal statement from the head of the Council that they had no idea such plans had been going on over the years as they had been a field watcher, and now that they knew they were interested in stopping it as quickly as they could. Though they would support their watcher having his son. He'd be an excellent father with the way he treated his slayers.
The president was trying not to show he was having a hissy fit but they could all tell. And that his demon overlord had dumped him because he was pouty and sick looking.
Faith looked around the swanky looking doctor's office. "This clearly isn't a back alley clinic," she said dryly.
"This part of town doesn't even have a dark alley," Xander quipped. "It's all higher priced homes." He signed them in and sat down to wait on their appointment. "Thanks for coming, Faith," he said quietly.
"I'm going to be a kick ass auntie," she said with a small smirk for him. "Gotta get in there early before Red warps the kid into being a brat."
"I don't think I'll be too bratty. Not that he'll have the same upbringing I did. No drunk parents fighting. No Jesse and non-magical Willow around." He shifted to cross his feet, staring at his boots. "It'll be fine. He'll be a great kid most of the time."
"You already know some of the problems he'll have so you can get to them sooner too." Xander nodded at that. The reporter came in, and she looked rough. "Agents?" Faith guessed.
"Protest yesterday against the president I was covering." She sat down on Xander's other side. "He's very mad that you outed him that way," she said quietly.
Xander shrugged but grinned. "He helped do this to me." She shivered. "I learned how to do girl things from Willow and Cordelia."
"You never hear her talked about," the reporter said.
"She died while on the LA patrol team," Faith said.
"Now she's the Messenger for the PTB," Xander added with a short nod. "Her visions killed her." The reporter winced. He looked at her again. "She was the Queen cheerleader and a bit of a bitch sometimes, but sometimes it was the right way to be. Especially after we fell out." That got a nod.
"Still sucks that they blamed you and not Red for you two macking," Faith said.
Xander grinned at her. "You know how Buffy was back then, Faith."
"True." They got called back and Xander got to strip down to his boxer briefs and socks, with the charming looking hospital gown open in the front. The tech running the ultrasound was staring at the order looking confused. Faith cleared her throat. "Idiots who like demons did it." The tech sighed but Xander got set up so they could scan his stomach. Faith sat behind Xander's head so she could see the screen.
Xander pointed at the new scar. "They opened me there to put everything in."
"Okay." She ran the goop covered wand over his scar and frowned. "They did. That's a uterus." Xander nodded once then sighed. She went looking. "There's a bubble. It's...clearly not normal."
"Supposedly some demon made sure he'll carry it to term," Faith said quietly. "Can we tell the baby in there?"
The tech went looking and switched some things. "There. We definitely have the baby." The reporter got brought in to see that and she moaned. The tech looked up. "We needed independent verification?"
"The president is screaming that he helped cause it and is demanding that I carry it to term or else it's an apocalypse," Xander said quietly. "This is the only one they're getting until he's born."
"It's too early to tell gender."
"One of the coven tested. They said I'm carrying my clone," Xander said, frowning at the screen. "Damn I looked weird." The tech laughed but nodded. She printed out a few pictures for them and helped Xander clean off his stomach before leaving him to get dressed again. The reporter took one of the pictures with her and went to make that report live from her news van in the parking lot.
Xander went to meet with his doctor, who was scowling as he came in. "I don't like this," the doctor told him.
"Neither do I but I apparently can't do much about it," he said dryly. "Not like I asked for it to happen. The first I knew of it I was waking up in a hospital in the UK and they told me they were under orders that I had to carry it."
"This could kill you," the doctor warned.
Xander nodded. "A much bigger plan then their usual one to bleed me, cut me, torture me, bash my head in, or just stab me during a fight."
"Some demon was smoking the funny weed," Faith agreed.
Xander looked at her. "If I die of this, you're getting custody with Katya and you're to keep him away from his thang aunts."
"Gladly. I'll hide him from Red and B." She patted him on the shoulder. They looked at the doctor together, both shrugging. "We've been throwing fits about this for days, Doc."
"I can see why. What is that bubble?"
"We were told it was magically protected somehow," Xander said. "The first witch told me that, when she found out I'm carrying my clone."
"Well, that makes some things easier. You know it'll be a boy and the health issues you used to have."
"I was apparently a pretty healthy kid. I survived Sunnydale and hunting and drunk parents."
"No drinking while pregnant, young man."
"I don't often drink. I know the recommendations are two servings of beer or wine a week, or less, and none in the first trimester." The doctor nodded. "I don't do drugs. I don't usually drink. My only really bad habit is battles apparently." Faith patted him on the shoulder. "And chocolate. It's next to the Goddess for me." He grinned.
"Watch your intake. We don't want to deal with gestational diabetes or too much caffeine. It's bad for the baby." Xander sighed but nodded. "Cut down to two cups or less a day." Xander sighed and nodded again. He smiled a tiny bit. "You're not the worst case for that, Mr. Harris. I've had people with three pots a day habits." He moaned. "Are you going to be here for the full pregnancy?"
"No, I need to get back to my girls in Africa. I know there's very few docs down there I can trust."
"Probably true. It does tend to have more conservative peoples down there." He stared at him. "We can do check ups with you?"
"As often as I can," he agreed.
"You're stepping back to just being a house mother?"
Xander shook his head. "The only other watcher down there is a shithead. I suggested he be drowned by some of my girls." The doctor winced but made that note. "If they truly want this baby to come into being I'm guessing things are going to slow down around me," he said dryly, looking up then at the doc with a slight grin. "Or we'll have a super bad time with invasions and the like and I'll have to use a sword or my axe."
"We're getting the baby a hawaiian shirt and a baby axe," Faith quipped with a grin. "So he's just like his daddy."
He hugged her. "Thank you. Willow suggested I put him in a dress." She snorted, giving him a hug. He let her go and looked at the doctor again. "She's a great buddy but not mommy material."
"That can happen. You need to be aware of some medicines that shouldn't be taken by pregnant w...people." He handed over two brochures. "Safer sex procedures as well so you don't catch something that can be transmitted over."
"I got an ancient form of syphilis a few years back by falling into a tomb," Xander admitted. "And small pox we think."
"The Native Americans were not happy with their disturbing and gave them a 'you killed us, here have it back' sorta present," Faith added.
"During a thanksgiving weekend," Xander agreed with a nod.
The doctor shook his head quickly. "So you got it from bone shards?"
"Technically I got it from the spirits," Xander admitted with a grin. "But yeah, you can put bone shards down. I've only admitted to that twice before. Once when they found it because I've had malaria and ended up in the hospital with dehydration. The other time when they were looking to see what nearly killed me for three days then disappeared when we made those spirits happier."
"Rosenburg tested it," Faith told him.
"That's going to need to be handled when we do the c-section. Unless you think you'll grow an appropriate exit hole?" he asked Xander. Who shrugged but looked horrified. "So we'll plan for probably needing a c-section." He made that note as well. "Let's do the preliminary health checks, Mr. Harris."
He did all the standard health checks and they talked about dos and don'ts. Though he knew the guy was going to break some of the rules about not fighting or doing anything too strenuous. He had to handle battles with the slayers. Using a sword wasn't really a suggested pregnant person activity. But they'd handle it.
And then Xander was going to destroy some people who had put him through this.
Xander walked into a meeting he had called a few months later, nodding at the guards on the door. "You too, Pertry." He hauled him inside to the meeting of a few generals, a few hell gods and goddesses, and a few arms dealers. He turned and shut the door then took off his shirt to stare at them. He was showing now. And the baby was a tiny bit active today too. "Due to the obvious problems that *someone* caused we're going to have a few problems coming up. Not like I can waddle into a battle next week. And the girls have threatened me with being tied up and fussed over if I try."
One of the arms dealers frowned, staring at his stomach. "The one that the demons got pregnant on purpose was you?"
Xander nodded, picking up the guy's hand to put on his moving stomach. "And I'm carrying my clone actually." He smirked a tiny bit at him. "I'm not asking for baby presents but we've got to figure out the three major battles we're supposed to have before I deliver, hopefully by c-section, and anything that pops up in the major areas. Which all of you work near. And D'Nar, can I please bum a healer? I had a doctor who tried to kill me so he could examine the structure."
"Of course, dear." She blew a kiss. "You should probably rest and eat more."
"I probably should," he agreed. "But food and I aren't getting along right now. Thankfully morning sickness has stopped but the heartburn has started."
"Yes, that will keep going on until about six months after," Goddess D'Nar agreed. The other two hell goddesses agreed by nod. "Is that *witch* doing anything?"
"Hiding before I beat her to death," Xander said dryly. "She decided it was a *good* thing and I'd be *settled* with a kid. That I'd have to give up being the watcher down here afterward. When it was pointed out two of the slayers were moms before they were called, she threw an awesome fit that caused that snowstorm last week." A few moaned.
Xander nodded, waving a hand around. "Buffy's got her with Giles and the Devon coven. They've put a muting charm so she can't find me for a bit." They all smiled about that. "But...." He waved a hand at his stomach. "We have a few battles foreseen soon." He put on his shirt and sat down with a sigh. "I can handle artillery, until I can't stand comfortably and then I'll handle artillery if I have to."
"You should not be near a battle," Goddess D'Nar ordered.
Xander shrugged. "Not like everyone else will. I'm kinda hoping you guys will help fill in when I get to the point of waddling?" A few nodded. "Because the local militaries may not." He smirked a tiny bit. "I pointed out loudly if the higher ups really wanted this kid to be born then they should probably stop any and all battles until I've delivered. Though that means I'd probably die in that battle right after I deliver."
"Why did higher demons want you to have a child?" one of the arms dealers asked.
Xander shrugged. "No idea. They mostly hate me. Maybe they're having a bet or something. All I know is that this has made me want to become an evil overlord better than Andrew's former group ever could've been." He grinned. "Gotta make sure the kid's safe from the slayers and Rosenburg when I die." A few of them moaned in pleasure. "My clone needs to be raised better than I ever was. Though he can inherit my axe. Can one of you make sure of it?" They nodded. "Thanks." He sniffled a bit then sighed. "I hate hormones!"
"They only get worse from here," one of the guys complained. "My concubine does it very often."
Xander looked at him. "At least I didn't get knocked up the traditional way." A few laughed at that. One blushed because they had sex. He sighed. "So, how are we handling the upcoming battles? I don't really want to show up at the first one so someone tries to kill me to dissect me. The other two are in more friendly areas but that next one is going to suck and I don't trust them with the slayers either." He looked at that general with a smile.
He cleared his throat. "I would not suggest you get anywhere near my people, Watcher Harris. They will definitely not appreciate what has happened to you. Your slayer among us is having fits?"
"Many loud ones at the demons who did this but she's trying to make a baby blanket for him." He grinned. "My girls are used to weird things. I'm just a really weird thing to them."
"I can see how they could manage that. We will gladly handle the next battle for you. And if any others appear among my people, we would probably be willing to handle them as well. My higher ups are scowling about you not showing up to brief us about what's been seen but I'll explain it when I get home." He looked at the hell god who lived near his people. "Please do not give us any problems."
"I have no intention of it but my warriors can come help." Xander grinned at him. "You need a guard."
"Probably but I'm mostly hiding with the girls."
Goddess D'Nar looked at him. "You will travel down to the safehouse near my temple, Xander. My healers need to look at you to see if you need help."
"Just don't tell me if I'm going to have to nurse the baby or am able to deliver without a c-section."
"No, that would be too weird," she agreed. She looked at his stomach. "The baby is quite active. Though I'm not sure if the witch was right about it being your clone."
"Oh, no, that was Willow's spell last night. Then they told her it might be a slayer so she's changed her mind but only half undid the spell." One of the hell gods got up to look at his stomach, ending the spell for him. Xander sighed and relaxed. "Thank you." He kissed him on the cheek.
"That witch is warped and needs help," the hell god said as he went back to his lounging seat. "She had changed the gender but not the nature. So it would've been you as a girl."
"She'd probably try to get her into ballet and girly things too," Xander quipped, getting a few smiles. "At least the kid won't be growing up with Willow as his best female friend since the first day of school. He'll be a bit less warped than I am."
"That would be amusing," D'Nar quipped. "You raised as a mostly normal child? It would be interesting to see."
"Give me a year," Xander quipped back with a smirk for her. "Though the son will be learning self defense. Before some icky thing wants him like they seem to like me."
D'Nar smiled at him. "Did you realize that someone told others about Anya?" He groaned but sighed and nodded. "The higher ones bragged about how you warped her into having a conscience and not being ruthless in her job. Also how many times she bragged about you making her squeal. Something about tongues....." Xander blushed, ducking his head. She grinned.
One of the hell gods nodded. "They have tried to get others interested in having you as a mate." Xander shook his head so he smiled at him. "I have many mates but do not need children around my temple. Thankfully or you would be cute in my harem."
Xander shook his head again but grinned at him. "I'm not into something permanent. Anyone I date long term seems to die. I'd hate to lose you."
"Point. That Messenger, Anya...though you did lose them after you broke away from them."
"So they'd have to keep you and not let you get away," the other hell god said with a smirk for the boy.
"Yeah, that won't happen. It has to be mutual. I'm not into anything but mutual relations anymore."
"You would be quite a coup to obtain, and quite a reward to own," D'Nar said. "But if it is not mutual you would get bored and would have to work against them." Xander nodded quickly. She sighed, smiling at him. "Too bad I only like delicate women."
"Yeah, I'll probably never be one of those. Even if Willow tried it." A few laughed but they agreed, he wasn't going to be delicate. They could figure out the upcoming problems very easily. And Xander could get a tiny bit of fussing over things in.
The witch currently at the Council slapped Willow when she started to complain about the baby again. "There have been *six* visions about that child if he isn't like his father. Mostly they show him starting a cult." She glared at the younger witch, pulling up every bit of upper class British middle aged woman she had. "Leave the boy alone! Before you cause another apocalypse!" She walked off, leaving Willow there glaring at her back. "Oh, Andrew. Is Rupert in his office?" she asked genteelly with a slight smile.
"He's not back from his doctor's appointment yet. But if you want to steal Willow, you go girl. We'll manage without her." He nodded a bit. "Please?"
She smiled at him. "I was contemplating that, yes. Let me call the other witches." She grabbed the phone in there to call the main coven meeting area. They agreed that Willow needed to be taught patience and to stay away from Harris for good. Before he warped her more. They were sure it was his warping that made the poor girl that way.
Andrew smiled at her and called up a few videos from high school. "I was on the yearbook committee." He walked away to let her watch Willow totally nag people for not being her. The witch huffed. Apparently she had tried to warp the boy and it hadn't gone well within her mind so it had ended up warping Willow instead.
Andrew had left a few books on her bed by some...Rosenburgs. "Oh, dear," she said as she sat down to read the first one. "No, the boy did not warp her," she realized. "Oh, my. No wonder." She went to gather Willow so they could go back to the coven and they could straighten Willow out on many things.
On the flight over, Willow was knocked out for ease of handling and it gave the witch much time to read those very weirdly wrong ideas of books on how to raise children. She made a report to the heads of the coven, who just sighed. They had thought it was the boy as well. Instead, he was the sane one!
Xander had to spend the last three weeks of his pregnancy in Goddess D'Nar's temple due to human yahoos who thought he should be killed. So when he finally wobbled out the day after the delivery, with his son/clone, the goddess got to coo over him first. He hugged her. "Thank you for protecting him. We'll disappear tomorrow sometime. The coven wanted to see him."
She smiled. "You can set up a video conference thing, Xander." She cooed at the baby, tickling him some. The baby scowled at her. "You gave me that look the first time I saw you, dear."
He looked down then grinned at her. "I wasn't sure you were a good influence then, D'Nar."
She giggled. "I'm not always." She winked. "Others are waiting on the baby outside."
Xander went to look, grimacing. "If I step out like the royals do, they could try to shoot us." He grabbed the baby, walking out there and holding him so he was facing the crowd. "Thanks for giving us a few happy days, people," he said with a smile and a wave. A few cooed. "He's healthy, safe, and will not sleep." They laughed and dispersed. Xander went to use the temple's video conferencing equipment, nodding at the ones on the screens. "I'm no longer being kicked. Goddess D'Nar's healers are super rockstars and very liberal with the stuff to knock me out."
Giles took off his glasses, smiling at him. "He's adorable, Xander." Xander grinned and nodded. "I'll note he was born healthy. Anything like the taint you were exposed to?"
"Not according to the healers."
"Even better for him," another watcher said. "He's a bit scrunched up still but adorable, Harris. Are you getting back on route in a few weeks?"
"I'm going to take him to Barra this week so we can rest there with Naomi. That way I can make sure I'm doing baby stuff right. She taught the other two slayers with babies. She was sure I was good at diapers already." He grinned.
"That's fine and reasonable," Giles agreed. "A few weeks of paternity leave is mostly necessary for most parents." He looked over the top of the screen. "It's Xander and the baby."
Faith came around to look, cooing at it. "You're so cute."
"Artie, this is Auntie Faith," Xander said, holding him closer to the screen. "We're going to see Naomi."
"That's good," she agreed. "He's aces, X. Happy baby stuff." She walked off smiling to tell the other girls.
Xander grinned at Giles. "Thanks. I'll call when I go back on route. Say bye, Artie." The baby's hand was waved for him and Xander took him back to his room so they could both nap. They really did need to get out of D'Nar's hair soon. Before the son wanted to adopt her as a stepmom.
In the white house, the president was crowing that the baby was born. That his sacrificial rite would go on. At least until the tentacle popped out of a tissue box and slapped him around a few times. Then it stuck itself to his face and tugged him into the tissue box so they could have a chat. The guard in there called that in as he slowly backed out of the office. He was not sure what to do about a giant tentacle and he definitely didn't want to know why it liked the president.
Seers all over the world were seeing what the baby would become. They all saw him being a charismatic leader. Probably for a cult. He was every bit like his father without being so hyper protective. He encouraged a lot of people to join the hunting lifestyle. And he seemed to almost start a sexual cult of orgasms.
Some who had seen Anya knew where that part had come from. On higher realms, higher demons were screaming and ranting about the baby being born and doing that. D'Hoffryn was also shuddering at the baby becoming a true human problem of epic proportions even bigger than his father had been.
Xander, he hadn't seen any of this. So he was just being a pretty happy dad. At least between diapers.
The rest of the seers and hunters that heard, they figured this was how the Powers That Be would fight off a new apocalypse later on. No one was going to tell Xander that. He'd by-step it and make that one only a gleam in some demon's eye.
The Powers That Be looked at that child, that they had thought would handicap that hunter by making him quit being in their way, and knew fear. It had made the boy stronger willed to stop their plans for balance. If they went after the child, the warrior would call upon some of his weirder contacts and poker debts to take out those who had caused the problem. It was even worse than Rosenburg having had him. Artie hadn't been their plan but they had liked how it would've helped their plans.
Now...they had Xander'd it.
A seer came to see the baby so many of them had headaches about. She sat across from Xander in the market's tea shop, staring at the duo. "Many of us have seen about him," she said quietly.
"I figured some demons had a hand in it," he agreed. "Was it that bad? Am I going to have to rescue him? Or avenge him?"
"No. The Powers, they wanted you to slow down due to raising him." She grimaced and pulled a sealed envelope out of her purse to hand over. "Ninety-three seers all say the same thing for him."
Xander read it, frowning some. Then he burst out laughing. "Wow." He tucked it back into the envelope. "I'm not against him leading hunters in the future. The cult I might mind...and wonder why since he's supposedly my clone." He looked at his son then at her. "Ninety-three seers? I didn't think we had more than fifteen on this plane."
"Some were on demon planes. Including the seer that D'Hoffryn himself relies on." Xander winced. "Indeed. Many believe it will stop a later apocalypse."
"Could be," he agreed. "I'll try to talk him out of starting a cult."
"That may help but it appeared to be much fun for him."
"Who raised him when I fall?"
"You did not fall. You were there nagging in the background in a few of them." Xander perked up at that, grinning at her. "But it is important that he know his people. That he learn about his future slayers."
"We've met most of the ones down here. They came to visit with him."
"That's good. You will have to spend at least fifteen years in America again by what most of us saw. It won't keep him any safer but you will handle things."
"Is Giles going to fall?"
"Not yet. He was at least a teenager." Xander nodded at that. "Being here for his formative years is fine but we saw you being driven back there due to a problem with the main Council."
"I can handle that. Thank you for letting me know I'll only warp him a tiny bit."
She smiled. "If he's warped it may not be all on your raising. Many saw the influence of your former fiancee in his life. Hence him starting a hunting cult that would have tickled her desires." She patted him on the hand. "Relax and enjoy being a father. Make sure the battle in two days doesn't kill you, Harris." She left him to talk to his son. As long as the boy lived through the next two battles it would be fine.
Xander called someone. "What's the next few battles seen?" He listened. "No, I got an interesting visit from another seer. Mostly about my son taking a bit after Anya." He listened. "Two days? Sure. Naomi said she'd guard him for a bit. The other?" He listened then groaned. "Fucking lawyers!" he complained. "Okay. Yup, we can handle that. Thanks, Bert." He bundled things up and paid for his tea so he could go talk to Naomi. She was pretty smart and wise and a good grandma sort to Artie.
Xander looked at the battle two days later, shaking his head. "Why would anyone expect me to jump in with a sword today? I'm sore, people!" He fired off the artillery at the complaining demons, who had wanted to see the baby. They blew up in their car. The fire from the car's gas lit the portal on fire and killed it.
The military handling it with him all stared at him. He shrugged. "I'm a week and a half post having the son, people. I'm sore and tired. The son doesn't like to sleep at all!" A few nodded they understood about that. "After this it's evil lawyers. Then I might have to go back to the US for a while." He walked off rubbing his sore back. Carrying Artie was worse now than it had been when he had been pregnant for some reason.
The waiting military people just stared at each other then at the remains. Battles like this were rare but nice to have because no one got hurt. They could like more of these. Especially if those lawyers showed up.
Honestly, how evil could lawyers be?
Xander sat down at the meeting that had been called for him. He looked at his guest, grinning at the trapped demon. "If they do one single thing at any time that will harm my son or make him be raised by Buffy or Willow, I wish to be the president of the US as soon as I'm of age and have all the wealth and status of their law firm in my son's grasp." He smiled.
The demon shivered as that reality hit him. He swallowed hard. "I...D'Hoffryn?" he begged.
Xander shook his head. "You owe me. You actually owe me three debts, including a life debt because I saved you guys' temple last month by accident." He grinned again. "I could make a wish to have the working, fully stoned Infinity gauntlet. I'd be nicer than Thanos but ....well, I *am* a month post birth." He smirked. "Your choice which one you grant."
The demon tensed up and you could hear a tiny whining noise from him. "Fuck!" he shouted loudly, getting attention. "The first wish is granted. I'd hate to see you with such powerful artifacts. Your son would be horrible when he starts his cult."
"Hey, maybe that's how he'll get a stepmom." He beamed at the demon. Who was shaking his head and nearly crying as the options ran through his mind. He patted the demon on the arm. "Calm down. There has to be a lot of time before a stepmom comes into being for Artie." He grinned at the lawyers.
"By the way, I used to date Cordelia Chase." They frowned and looked her up then the head lawyer winced. "Does that show that I used to hunt with Buffy too? And I nearly killed Angel one night? I mean, you guys just annoyed him and I helped her send him to hell and nearly got him on my own one night."
"We were not aware of that," one of the lesser lawyers said, clearing his throat. "Mr. Harris, about your son?"
"Artie? He's a good kid most of the time. Very sweet." He grinned. "And I've heard the prophecies about him and a cult of hunting. If I had that much energy I'd be doing that instead of preparing for a battle in a week or so."
"We wish to obtain records of...."
Xander held up a hand to stop them. "I have no idea how they did it. The first I knew, I was waking up in a hospital in England and being told I was pregnant. No clue, people." They grimaced. "Sorry, ask the US president since that was apparently part of his ritual plot for more power." He looked at the trapped demon, grinning at him. Then at the lawyers. "Anything else you wanted to know? Not that I'll probably answer but you can ask. I'm in a pretty decent mood right now; the kid let me sleep last night."
"We'd like to obtain the baby to look at him."
"Hell no," Xander said with a smile. And the demon beside him nearly passed out. "Why would I let you evil things near my son?"
Xander burst out laughing, shaking his head. "Sorry, people, but he's my clone. There's no daddy beyond me. The Devon coven found that at the first check to see if I was pregnant." He grinned again and the lawyers were starting to realize how bad that was. "Anything else you want to try?"
"Who is going to raise the child when you die?" one asked with a smile.
Xander chuckled. "He's got godparents and I've got a will. Iron clad, done by a light sided law firm, and his future guardians have all agreed. Including two down here just in case. And *everyone* knows about him. I made sure to tell all my contacts about how nasty being pregnant was so they knew I was having him. Most of them have cooed at him by video conference, and Rupert thinks he's adorable. Which he is, because I was." He grinned again. The lawyer was trying to back away from him. "Anything else you guys wanted to try?"
"How did you get Anyanka's things?" the other lawyer demanded.
"I nearly married her. I left her at the altar because she would've been miserable. She was all about the money and orgasms and I apparently did it for her very well." He grinned again. "If you ask anyone that was in Sunnydale, even the normal ones, they would've told you the same thing."
"You can't be him. He died to seal the hole."
"No, that was Spike. I'm not a vampire." Xander pulled out his wallet to show off his old ID from California. "Look familiar?" They looked it up and one flinched, shaking his head. "Is that connected to the poker circuit?" The trapped demon moaned. Xander patted him on the hand. "I'll gladly bring you to a poker hall later."
He looked at the lawyers again, making them both get up and huff off. Xander tossed down the wallet he had lifted from one, nodding at the waiter. "For whatever they ordered and take a tip, dude." He got up and took the entrapped demon to set him free in a poker hall. He grinned and waved at some he knew. "Wolfram and Hart wanted Artie, people. They're not happy I said no."
The wish demon was crying on someone's shoulder. "I wasn't even that mean. Buck up! I could've went totally mean and wanted to run that law firm and own all their status now because they decided to not read their own files." He looked at the others. "They didn't even realize I wasn't Spike, people. Are we not gossiping back to the evil ones anymore? They even thought Artie had a daddy."
"We can share news so they leave you alone before you make more people sob," the bartender said with a grin for him. "What did you do?"
"I used an owed wish to get all their status and money in hand if they made Artie be raised by Buffy and Willow and that I wanted to be the US president if they did." He grinned. "Or he could've gotten me the full infinity gauntlet instead."
The bartender frowned. "I've never heard about that thing."
"It's from a comic," a vampire in the back called. "It makes one omnipotent and was used to remove half of everyone everywhere in the comics."
Xander winked at him. "I'd be more picky. Why would I want to give Hela happies?" He walked off whistling. His son was being babysat by a local contact, who was using him to make sure he didn't want his own spawn. So of course Artie was screaming when he got there but it was just a 'you're ignoring me' yell so Xander was okay with that. He picked up the kid, making him stop wailing.
"Hi. Did you miss me, Artie?" The demon came rushing in. "I'm back. The lawyers were more stupid than usual. They didn't even listen to gossip and thought I was Spike." He paid his sitter and walked off with his son and the diaper bag, going to the hotel to give him a bath and take a nap with him.
The demon went to share that online. The lawyers really did lose some brains when they had done the LA invasion.
Buffy called Xander that night. "If we have to raise him, we'll make sure he's the best Xander he can be. It worked well on you," she said with a grin.
"I had male related sanity until I met you, Buffy. He won't get to be surrounded by girls until he's almost sixteen, like I was." He stared at her. "Part of that wish was that I become the US prez."
She swallowed, looking behind her. "Xander has wacky, evil plans, people. If we have to raise Artie, Xander will be prez."
"We'll make sure nothing comes near Artie," Willow quipped from the background. "There will be no more problems for years so Artie's not in danger."
Buffy grinned at him. "We can do that! It'll help us too!" She waved as she hung up, going to shudder in the kitchen on Giles' shoulder to warn him that Xander really needed a nap. And maybe sex too. Andrew told her what the wishes had been and she frowned until he explained about the gauntlet.
Then she decided Xander really needed a lover good enough to knock him up again. However that happened. It'd keep him from going evil thanks to the first baby. And maybe he'd have a daughter they could spoil. She went to talk to a few of the local poker circuit about that. They should know who Xander was sleeping with in Africa.
Giles sighed, making a note in his journal about those upcoming problems. Logically, if all bad demon attacks were stopped because of the baby, the normals would probably see that as a good thing and might elect Xander in anyway. Though he was not sure why the baby would someday start a hunting and sex cult. Xander wasn't like that at all.
It had to be warping by someone that Xander took up with sometime in the future. Perhaps they should call him to a closer area to rest for a bit? Once he looked up what it took to be president, on advice of a laughing Andrew, he decided Xander should probably go to England to handle the girls there for a bit. That way he couldn't be in the US for fifteen years to be eligible.
*** (sent here on list's archive.)
The lawyers, who weren't as stupid as they appeared, put out the news about Harris being himself, because many thought he had died. They corrected the firm's files on him and the others using the online yearbooks you could find these days. They were even nice enough to update the yearbook staff's files for them since they were trying to organize a reunion for some reason.
They did put down that Chase had died due to a brain tumor instead of vision related brain changes but close enough for mundanes. They didn't realize Andrew Wells was part of that group, and got notified at any updated files being put in by someone other than the group. He put up a new picture of Xander and his son that had been sent from Goddess D'Nar's temple. He hacked in and got into Wolfram and Hart's files for them to correct them.
The lawyers weren't that great and still kinda dumb. They had used a picture of Larry instead of Xander's. Once that was fixed he uploaded the rating on Xander as a seer. The people on the other end shit themselves when they saw what had been added to their files.
Yes, they were not touching that one.
Instead they told others about the new child of chaos. The last son of chaos had a proper heir. One that he had already avoided being sacrificed by some higher level demon's minions. Clearly only a Great One would ever be able to sacrifice that child and gain a boon from it. Pity Harris had taken out six of those in the last few years.
Xander walked out of the hotel with his bag, his son being with a slayer's family for the day of the battle. He was paused by two demons, both of them peaceful types. "There's a battle today, you should hide," he told them.
They smiled and held up something together. "To welcome the son of the Son of Chaos."
Xander smiled. "Thanks. Artie's pretty much neutral though. He's just being a baby."
They smiled at him and one patted him on the arm. "Many believe he is too strong to be of sacrificial use by anything less than a Great One or a Higher." They jogged off together to go hide.
Xander nodded. "He won't get sacrificed at all because I'm one overprotective daddy sort." He opened the present, smiling at the new eye patch. He could feel magic on it. He found the small symbols traced in the leather, running a finger over a few of them. Then there was a large gun that fell into his hands. "Hey."
He grinned, looking it over. "Sweet. Thank you!" he called with a grin and a wave. He touched the gun to the eyepatch and it went back in. Xander nodded, taking it with him. That would be very handy when he had to steal artillery later. His truck seat had two wrapped presents in there, even though it had been locked. He grinned, getting in to look at them. "I'll write letters tonight for these." One held a bear that had a calming charm on it.
The other...he had no idea what it was but the blob of thing changed as he thought about it. "Okay, it's a think on toy. That's really cool." He tucked them both into the baby seat and buckled the bear in so he could drive off. He spotted a tiny kid running toward him so didn't start the engine in case it was a messenger.
It was, but the kid only had an envelope. He gave the kid a tip with a grin, letting him run off and get something from under the back bumper. Xander leaned out to look at it. "I'm about to head to a battle. I don't want to see you hurt unless you're planting explosives."
"I was sneaking my clan's baby present into the back, Xander."
"Aww, that's sweet. I've got a few up here, I'll write the elders a thank you note later." The demon handed it over and ran off as well. Xander checked the envelope. It was a gift certificate for diapers. "Hey, great present." He tucked that into the baby seat too and drove off much happier than usual on a battle day. The soldier that let him into the sealed area gave him an odd look so he grinned. "Baby presents."
The soldier nodded. "That's nice of someone, Watcher Harris." Xander smiled, parking and getting out to go handle this thing. He was still sore but today's could be blown up because Wolfram and Hart's local lawyers wouldn't pay for anything that was too hard to kill. They were cheap demons.
Faith opened up her email, knowing it had a baby picture for the other slayers. It did, two in fact, but it also had a list of who had given him baby presents and asked if she could find out who one was so he could send them a thank you card. She sent back she'd ask. She printed the pictures to hand over to the girls and went to show that email to Giles, who sighed but nodded. "I'm guessing the thank you notes are girl stuff I never learned?"
He nodded, patting her on the wrist. "It is. Beyond family members it's customary to send a thank you note. Though I had one aunt who huffed greatly if I tried to thank her in person instead." She nodded, leaving him to think about that while she called some contacts to find out that information.
Giles considered things then asked someone he knew if they had heard about any other baby presents that hadn't been presented yet so Xander could get a start on thank you notes. What he saw back made him sigh and email Xander. That sort of gift didn't get presented. It just got told when it got used.
Xander looked up from the summoning, smiling at the glaring demon. "What, Harris?" D'Hoffryn demanded. "I'm busy!"
"I was going to give you what I found last week in Anya's trunk. It had been hidden magically but Artie opened it up." He pointed at where the baby was chewing on a pretty bracelet that held crystals spaced equally around it in varying shades of blue. "And ask if you could please send your brother-in-law his thank you note for the charmed bear?" He held it up with a grin. "Anytime I go near his temple, his library starts to scream in pleasure and I don't want to know why they think I'm pretty."
D'Hoffryn stared at him. "The library?" Xander nodded, showing him the video he had taken for Giles. "Oh, dear. He has something possessed in there I'm afraid." He nodded, taking the note. "I'll save us all some amusement and work." Xander picked up his son to let D'Hoffryn test that bracelet, making him moan. "How did she remake that power center for Halfrek and not her own?"
"She and Tara had a crafting thing going on for a few weeks when Tara needed some distraction to ignore Willow while she had broken up with her." He pried the bracelet out to hand over with a smile. "I saw her wearing it a few times."
"She never activated it." He bounced it in his hand. Artie tried to grab it and fussed when he couldn't.
Xander looked at him. "Hey, Mr. Spoiled. It's not ours. That was his. You have to give him back his stuff or it's theft and that's wrong unless you're stealing important things for the safety of the world. Like the vase that holds two gods having sex in it."
D'Hoffryn stared at him. "That's a myth!"
"It's in the truck." He walked the baby off and brought back the cotton sack with the vase in it. He held it up. "It was already cracked when I found it. It sounded like me supergluing it meant that the procreation spell finally broke. I heard 'finally, I can stop sticking myself in you' as I put it into the bag."
D'Hoffryn tested it and sighed. "D'Nar should handle that, boy."
"I asked, she said to give it to you." He grinned. "She called them annoying pricks who were bad in bed."
"She'd know," he agreed. He took the vase carefully. The power in it made him shiver. "You should let them out on a battle."
"I thought about that but I don't want to break down and screw someone. I'd hate to get some innocent soldier addicted to me and make his people scream at him for going gay. It's not really wanted around here."
D'Hoffryn nodded. "I can see that." He left with the note, the vase, and the bracelet. Two of the three went to his brother-in-law, who smiled at him for the delivery. "Harris said he didn't want to upset your library."
"The statue of Aphrodite gets quite mad about him." He read the note and giggled. "He is quite nice."
"He's the one who dated Anyanka."
"I heard. That's why I haven't hit on him myself. I could not keep up with that sort of stamina and I have no wish to be a stepparent for Artie."
D'Hoffryn nodded, going back to his own temple to recover from that exposure to the child. Harris' soul cried out for wishes of vengeance and retribution. The kid's soul was still mostly baby-greedy: milk, blankets, cuddles. He'd switch them but Harris would destroy all of demonkind when that wish to take over the US came to be.
Xander looked at Artie, grinning at him. "Let's go have some formula and a nap. We like naps, right? You haven't grown out of that yet?" He scuffed over the marks he had scratched into the ground, then took the baby to his motel to have a nap. Babies grew when they slept so he needed to nap a lot right now.
Portents of Absurd Doom.