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GHS Empire: The End of the Tour.

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Story notes:
Possibly the end of this series. The rest is still on the old page. This finishes the partially stuck part that was on the list's archive page.
Note: the house described was found by Mytryk.

The End of the Tour.

Xander looked at the listing he had been sent by a contact in Miami. "Huh," he said, tipping his head to the side. "That's pretty and would be really handy for a higher level of us."

Jensen strolled over to look over his shoulder. The house's profile was a perfect circle, with the house in the center of a moat. The house had a diamond-shaped courtyard, then behind a diamond-shaped garden area. There was a single access road to the rest of the road. The house was perfectly symmetrical with arms off the sides at the compass points and one pointed up that matched them in length and span. "It would. Put a guard shack on the entryway."

"The listing's story says it has one. And a statue garden. It was apparently in a rap video." He let him read it. "We should put that on the bulletin board." Jensen got into it and posted the link. Xander added a note and they grinned at each other. Then Jensen pulled him up and into the bedroom to play with him. It was good to have a friend to play with.


Clay looked at the new message notice for the GHS bulletin boards. "Why are they playing on there instead of playing outside?" he muttered, looking it over. "That would be a nice house for an upper level. Especially if the moat was pretty deep." Jensen's quip about being able to use it as a pool cracked him up. "Few access points that can't be easily monitored. The gatehouse can be upgraded to great security and guards. Not a bad idea." Clay seconded that as a GHS home. Someone on there asked if Xander was trading up and Xander said no, he had his home and it was well protected. He'd let it go to someone else who needed the super house. A few asked where it was in the city and how much they wanted. Jensen gave them a map to the area and the site for the realtor. That made a few people much happier.


Xander smiled as they made it to his house in Italy. He grinned at the tour group with them. "This is the first time I've been here, guys. I'm looking things over for painting and stuff so if you see something that needs it, tell me?" Everyone smiled and nodded.

"You bought a house without seeing it?" one of the husbands on the trip asked.

"Yes. It has great security, it's in an area I wanted a house in, and with the amenities we have it sounded great. Even if it does need a bit of work." He smiled. "There's four bedrooms inside and five guest houses with a total of seventeen other bedrooms." The group laughed and decided to go explore so they could pick out bedrooms. It was the most unorganized part of their tour but it was fine. Everyone appreciated not being in a hotel this weekend and the estate was safer than anywhere they'd been so far. Xander opened the front door and walked in. "Wade, we're here," he called.

"You need a better kitchen," Wade called. "Your ovens still use wood."

"Okay," he agreed, heading in the direction of the cranky voice. He saw his assistant wince and helped him sit up, putting the pillows back behind him. "Get comfy, Wade. We don't care." He looked at him. "Itching already?"

"Yes. Damn it."

Xander laughed and patted him on the arm. "It'll be okay. Just a few more weeks." He strolled off to the kitchen since Wade pointed. He looked around. "It's charming and huge but it does have wood burning ovens. But hey, a normal one." He smiled at the cook in there giving him a funny look. "Hi, I'm Xander." He shook her hand. She babbled at him and he grinned, talking back. He had learned a lot in each of the languages. She laughed and patted him on the cheek. "Tell me if you need anything specific when we upgrade the kitchen." She led him to the secondary kitchen, which was all glass and aluminum. "Huh." He looked around. "I prefer wood personally but this is nice and handy." He grinned. "Still, let me know if you need stuff." She nodded. "The tour group is in. We're picking out bedrooms." She nodded, going to tell the housekeeper that. Xander went to find his own suite. Jensen was already laying down. "Nap time?" he teased.

"Yup. Then tomorrow we'll explore the estate." He patted the bed. Xander pounced and it was good. The bed was huge, old wood and had a soft, featherbed mattress. It was a nice nest for them to cuddle and cure the hormones in.


Xander finished his list the next morning and handed it to Wade, who nodded he'd find someone to handle it. Plus the extra security needs since the fence wasn't secure enough for his tastes. He'd also handle the reason that Dean had called up to say one of Xander's wanters had tried to sell the house in Miami on him. Dean was not amused. Xander was not amused. Xander was not amused enough to talk to the demonic mafia to tell them where the guy was since he owed them money. Which was mean of Xander but cool in its own way.

Though Jensen had gagged at what the guy's body had ended up looking like. Pity it was over so soon. Horatio had called up to tell Xander not to do that again because they did not need more bodies that they couldn't solve. Xander told him where the demons hung out at. Speed took Anya's monkey with him to question them. They had laughed but the monkey protected Speed. It had also subtly gotten free and had flown over to nibble on the head guy's balls. The screaming from said nibbling had broken up the meeting and Speed had evilly smirked at them as he told them to get out of Miami.

It had been evil enough that Horatio had banned Speed from playing with Anya's monkey again. Poor Speed had to find new ways to scare the bad guys.


Xander looked up from his coffee at the café, grimacing when he saw the man staring at him. "You are not my species," he told him, blatantly ignoring him. The man growled. Xander sneered. "You're still not my species so don't even think about me."

"I can do much for a man like you."

Xander snorted. "I doubt it since my species' name is 'amazing' and yours is 'plebe'," Xander said, acting like a teenage Buffy would have. "There's nothing you have that I don't already have, can't get better of, and is worth more." He opened his paper to change the page and refolded it. "You'll never make it to my level, dude, so just fly off before I call my bodyguard so I don't have to make my hair sweaty."

"We'll see who is worthy of who."

Xander looked at him. "I have artillery at home that's nicer and better than anything you'll ever have. Don't even try. It's not worth the aggravation I'll have to kill you after I ruin your whole network of morons." He went back to reading. "Wade...."

"Still in Italy," Jensen said as he sat down beside Xander.

"Oops, forgot. Jensen, this being is not my species. He's lusting after me and I don't do outside my own species."



"Human? Because, ya know, there's those few exceptions now and then." Xander gave him a strange look. "Dragons, aliens? Because only you could find a walking, talking dragon that would want to keep you."

"No, the other me found that in his realm. The one that's dating the Winchesters. He was like fourteen though and the dragon tried to keep him. The Dean there said that everyone complained he had brought guns but he shot the dragon for that me." He grinned. "He's the one that started the hair growing there."

"Huh. Wonderful." He stared at the man then took his picture with his phone. "So his real assistant can identify the body when Xander's through with it." The man stomped off. "I wonder who he was," he muttered, typing that picture and a short message to Clay while he ate.

Xander shrugged. "No one important clearly."

Jensen stared at him. "When is the Xander convention?"

"Next week. I've already got it tucked into my schedule. Shouldn't take more than a few hours here." He grinned. "I should bring some of the stuff I've been working on."

"You haven't been working on anything," Jensen pointed out.

"I've done a few bent wire things. I think they'd understand the whole 'trip after the bad breakup' thing though."

"Remember to get those demonic CSI books for Horatio and Mac."

"I can do that." He grinned and they went back to breakfast. Once he was done with the paper he tucked it under his tray and pulled out his laptop to get into his email. "Hmm. Steve wants me to buy a condo or three somewhere else vacationy for all of us to use."

"Hawaii's nice."

Xander nodded. "I hear it is." He felt that funny feeling and looked around. His laptop got shut and put into his bag again. "Finish." Jensen ate as they got up and walked off. The person who had been watching them tried to run them over but Xander shot one of his tires and Jensen made him miserable by hitting him twice in the chest body armor and once in the throat, but that one was a deep graze since he was running away. Xander had snapped his picture from his camera phone. They hurried back to the hotel to check in with the security guys and so Jensen could search the asshole out.

"Hey, that one's a minor terrorist. He's related to the ones that took you hostage, Xander."

"Yay," Xander said bitterly. "Can we remove them?"

"Possibly." Jensen called Wade. "The terrorists that took him hostage to Bogfuckistan...."

"The backwoods cave district of there," Xander quipped.

"Yup, them," he told Wade. "They just sent someone to try to get or take out Xander again, Wade. Do you want us to destroy them or would you like to do some of it?" He typed in a message for Clay and sent it then nodded. "Okay. Thanks. Yup, that's where we are for the next day or so." He hung up. "He'll definitely help you ruin them so you don't have to see them again." He smiled. Xander grinned back. It was a good day to be Xander and Jensen. It probably even made Wade a happy boy. Wade's broken leg wouldn't bother him too much when he played with his new toys.


Adam looked up as someone invaded the front lawn he was trying to cut. "Do I know you?" he demanded blandly.

"Interpol, Mr. Pierson." He held up his badge. "You have knowledge of a person who has been targeted by terrorists and is fighting back."

Adam stared at him then looked up. "Xander, I'm going to murder you," he said in Arabic. Toby cackled from his spot on the porch with the dog because his son thought it was hilarious that he had to mutter in other languages. He smirked at the agent. "What have they done this time?"

"Apparently a terrorist took him hostage? He got freed and his assistant came for him?"

"That was over a month ago," Adam said blandly. "Since then he's visited two other countries on his trip around the world."

"I know what you head, sir. Is he a member?"

"Yes, quite."

"Is he... very high on your scale?"

"More than high, yes."

"Oh, dear."

"He has an assistant and a traveling companion at this time. His true assistant has a broken leg so he's resting at Xander's house in Italy."

"Okay! That explains something odd that was noted in Asia!" He smiled. "Why did he take in someone like Wade?"

"Wade does protect him and does make Xander less bored. It's nice to have him so heavily watched. Though he does frustrate Wade quite a lot." He looked at his son then back at the agent. "Wade makes a good minion for Xander because he goes behind his back to smooth out problems. Including things like people who threaten him over poker games."

"I've heard something about the underground poker circuit in some cities."

"Xander got invited. He does play very well."

"Good to know." He made that note. "His current companion isn't in any system that we know of. Is he similar to Wade and another former minion?"

"Only to his special operations team in the army," Adam said dryly.

"Oh, so a commando. That's excellent news actually. Um, we had a report that another in that cell had tried him in wherever they are now."

"Really?" He pulled out his phone to call. "I know it's the middle of the night there, Jensen. I can count," he said sarcastically. "Terrorists?" he demanded. He listened, making notes for the agent on his notepad. "Thank you." He hung up. "They've already inconvenienced a few of them that have come after Xander for daring to be rescued and killing the ones that had him."

The agent grimaced. "Do we have them?"

"It's possible Xander learned from Wade and threw them into a river tied up, Jensen didn't say. Though I'd assume they were more waiting in a warehouse to be found. That's usually more his style. The local lieutenant has had a few of those. They mysteriously appeared in his office right before he got there."

"Will he tell you where?" Adam sent that. Jensen sent back an address. Adam let him see it and the further message that there were two more and they'd get them in the morning. "We can get them if he'll share intelligence," the agent offered. "I'll fly out tonight to liaison with them myself. I'm usually sent whenever a European member has to deal with these sort."

"If you wish. They're leaving Italy in two days. Xander said something about playing tag with them in the market the other day. I hadn't understood why until you showed up. I'll be paddling him for that." Someone drove up and got out. "Clay."

"Adam. Jensen sent a text to come see you. Any idea why?"

"Yes. Apparently there's been a bit of pouting from the remaining members of the cell that took Xander hostage. He's been having fun leading them astray."

"Did he belly dance again or do those damn GHS dances?" Clay asked. "Because if it's the second, Jensen is going to spank him. I'll order him to."

"He hasn't but I'm sure he might if you ask nicely enough. Especially since Wade's broken leg means he's basically on couch rest for a few days." He smirked evilly at the head of his local retrieval team.

Clay shuddered. "Damn, I thought it was only Xander that was evil." He looked at the agent. "FBI?"

"Interpol. Who're you?"

"Colonel Franklin Clay, head of the local retrieval team and Jensen's team leader."

"That's wonderful!" he agreed happily. "Then you can hopefully fill in some gaps we've had about his recent baiting activities?"

"Possibly. Not like Jensen told me he was baiting terrorists again. I had to make him stop the last time. It was upsetting all the underground in Cairo the last time we were there. Or was that Barcelona," Clay said, thinking back. "Yeah, that was Barcelona. In Cairo he had created a situation where half the underground was caught with their panties down and dicks in hand over someone underaged and male. Cleaned up a whole lot of messiness for the team's future mission."

The agent swallowed. "I heard about the incident in Cairo." He called up anything to do with Barcelona and a commando. His eyes went wide and he showed Clay, who nodded. "Then he seems like a nice enough guard for Mr. Harris baiting terrorists. May we speak?"

"Sure. Adam, using your back porch."

"Fine. Hand Toby another juice box on your way through the kitchen." He restarted the lawn mower and got back to his husbandly duties.

Clay got him one from the fridge and expertly popped in the straw, handing it over. "Go watch Daddy, Toby." He toddled back out there to watch his father mow. They sat on the back porch and talked about Xander and Jensen's bad baiting habits. He was going to paddle those two.


Wade watched Xander and Jensen practicing on the back lawn. "Why must you do that when I can't get up?" he yelled.

Xander grinned. "I could dance instead. I do need to keep in practice." The growl he got made him smirk. "Jensen, am I being a bad and evil tease today?"

"No, you haven't really teased in a few days, Xander." Xander beamed and moved to dance one of the sword dances, teaching Jensen that one. Wade was complaining. Xander and Jensen shared a smirk. Jensen could do a few of the more subtle dances so they did one of those instead. The housekeeper was squeaking in the pantry closet since she didn't want to watch.

Wade was trying hard not to get up off the couch and go pounce the boss. Of course, Wade got to get up and pounce the guy that had come over the fence and was trying to pounce the boss. Jensen had nearly ripped off the guy's head by the time he got out there. "Who's he?"

Jensen looked then shrugged. "Don't know. He talks British but he didn't say a single thing about demons."

Wade cracked his knuckles for show, looking down at him. "Who the fuck are you?" he asked coldly with his best insane grin. "I haven't had a playmate in *weeks*."

"When did you get a new playmate?" Xander asked. "Did you sneak Anya over?"

"No, I decided to play with the succuba that had been bothering someone on the trip." He hauled the guy up, dragging him with him. "You two do that while I can't watch since I don't have a date."

"Yes, Wade," they said then giggled and went back to sparring. They looked at each other and Xander winked.

"We'll get him again later," Jensen agreed.


It was the end of the trip, they were leaving that weekend for Miami. Wade was one again healed. Xander was without a traveling companion/fuck buddy for a few days again. They really had to find him a real boyfriend sometime soon. So Xander was in the tub curing his own hormones for a bit when his phone rang with Dean's text message noise, the sound of Dean's impala. "Hey, Dean," he told the phone as he picked it up to look at the text message. He blinked. "Wade?" he called. He came in, petting the dogs that he had to step over. "Does that say that Petey died and left me something?"

Wade took the phone, nodding as he read it. "It does." He sent back a text message in his own name and got an answer back from Sam. And Horatio. "It's in Hawaii."

"It was a pretty island when I was out there saving Jensen and Cougar." Xander looked up at him. "Steve wanted us to get vacation homes somewhere nice to destress."

"Something's weird about that. The guy was really weird about you being gay so why would he leave you something?" He handed the phone back. "Let me call around to see what's going on and we can maybe head back there from Miami."

"Okay. Thank you." He grinned. "Can you have the hotel's dog walker take the fuzzy butts out for me?"

"Sure." He called for the dog walker to come get the dogs while he called the higher ups in the poker circuit in Miami. That was very weird. Petey Jenison was an asshole who gaybashed and was scared to death that Xander was going to turn him gay by having his hair unbraided. Why would he leave Xander anything?


Xander stopped into the bar he had stopped in last time he was in Hawaii, smiling at the guy in the back room. "Figured you might be here."

CJ, the head of the local retrieval team, slowly put down his mug of beer. "Why are you here? Another rescue?"

Wade walked in shaking his head. "We wish." It'd be less dangerous for his boss; Wade didn't care if he had to pull a rescue but Xander was a bit hyper and less than careful at times. He really had to work on the guy about that set of skills. Before they had to rescue someone else again. He put down a folder. "This guy left Xander his condo. The guy hated him. Even the poker circuit has no idea why and they raided his house in Miami for intel."

CJ stared at him then at Xander. "I know you said he was your assistant."

"He's a very good assistant," Xander said with a grin. "He handles a lot of people who want my hair for me."

Wade nodded. "Most fun ever some days," he agreed dryly. "The ones we'd normally warn, who know about the society, aren't in touch."

"Out of town for at least another month from what we've heard," CJ admitted. He read over the file, frowning. "He doesn't go by that name out here." He looked up. "He's messed up in the local underground."

"Down in Miami he wasn't," Xander said. "But he was messed up in other ways. Nothing too heavy. He was another 'retired by force' guy as far as the Miami poker circuit knew."

"Interesting. No, he was muscle in one of our gangs."

"Do I know them?" Xander asked.

"I'd hope not. They tend to traffic people," CJ said blandly.

"I helped when others were captured," Xander said, smiling some. "Can I help with them?"

"It's quite possible." He frowned. "We should go check out that apartment. That does sound fishy." Wade nodded. "Do we know where it is?" Wade handed over the mapquest directions. "Even nicer. Let's go do that. I know others who work with the one you ended up talking to last time." He looked at the guy. "That was very weird." Xander grinned. "Fine. Let's go look." He paid for his lunch and they went together. CJ called in an alert to the rest of his team. Just in case. Having someone like Wade in Honolulu and a high level GHS who was drawn to underground people and trouble was probably not looking good for his quiet week.


Xander raced down the highway in the nicer corvette, Wade behind him in the other one that had been in the condo's parking spots. CJ was calling a contact to meet them out of the way and the police officer following them was getting pissed off. This road had some nice, pleasant curves and probably was a beautiful drive if you weren't going over eighty miles an hour. Xander pulled onto the sandy area and spun as he parked, getting out and running off. He got in the way of the cruiser. "That car has a bomb on it," he said when the officer hopped out with his gun already in hand. "I just went to check out my inherited condo and it was there. Both cars have a bomb on them, Officer. We think they're more than explosives." Wade parked and got out, heading over. "You okay?"

"I'm fine. The radiation meter was going off on your car, not mine. Thankfully you're able to fight that off." He looked at the officer, who was glaring at him. "I'm his assistant." Another official car pulled in with lights and sirens. Wade waved so they parked and the guy that Xander had flirted with last time got out. "CJ's radiation meter was going off on Xander's car, not mine, but the bomb on mine is on the undercarriage near the gas tank and it's clearly not just explosives, Williams. Both have antennas."

"Who're you?" the detective asked. "Harris," he said with a nod.

"This is my assistant Wade," Xander said with a grin. "We inherited a condo from a former poker buddy in Miami that apparently was living a double life. I came to check it out but stopped in on your local retrieval team because I got some stuff from CJ last time I was in and I figured he might know or know who would."

"Okay, we can talk about that," Williams decided, going to look at the cars. He had to get down to look at the undercarriage but yup, there was a bomb. "Yeah, we don't have timers, we have ...it looks like temperature sensors maybe?" He called that in. "Officer, make sure no one gets nearby," he called. "Except bomb squad." He huffed but went to make sure no one on the road got near them. He came out and walked over. "Okay, from the top. You guys inherited a condo?"

"Yeah," Xander said with a nod, playing with the end of his hair. "Which was kinda weird because Petey was the sort of guy to gaybash but he was scared that staring at my hair would make him gay. We asked around with my local poker circuit and they didn't have any idea why he left me something when he didn't even like to talk to me during games." He shrugged. "So we came out to see what was going on and I suggested we stop in on CJ because he's a former commando and part of the local retrieval team so he might have contacts that would know.

"He went with us and he was handling the bomb we found in the apartment itself, which was just explosives, while getting the others in there out of the building. We found the ones on the car first and he told us to call you, specifically you, and to take it away from people. He gave us directions for here because this was far enough away that whatever the antenna was tuned to was farther away and no people would be around here."

"Okay," Danny said with a nod. "That's a good plan. Is he an explosives expert?"

"He's an Aussie one," Wade said. "Mouthy but decent enough."

"Yeah, I met him," Danny agreed, waving at the Rapid Response truck. "Both 'vette's," he said as the driver got out. "Both on the undercarriage near the gas tanks."

"Mine has some sort of radiation," Xander called with a wave and a grin. "I'm better able to handle that so I drove that one." He looked at Danny again. "We have no idea but CJ called an officer he knew personally to help him."

"The apartment building," that officer said. "Had a bomb?"

"I just inherited it," Xander agreed. "These were there too. CJ told us to bring these two here so they were safely away from everyone."

"Okay. That's not really protocol."

"Radiation," Wade reminded him. "Dirty bombs aren't really a good idea in populated areas."

"Officer or agent?"

Wade smirked. "Commando, formerly of Canadian Special Forces."

"Oh. So you'd know."

"Quite a lot." He looked at Williams again. "We were going to lay low while figuring out why the gay bashing idiot left him the condo. He didn't owe him more than a few grand so it wasn't for that."

"He paid before we left," Xander told him, looking at his assistant. "That was something they made sure I knew. So it definitely wasn't a poker debt. Though I'm wondering if Dean paid him the twenty-two hundred he complained he owed him last month."

"Could be," Wade admitted. He looked at Williams. "If we had done this at the condo, it would've caused a huge panic. Especially about me."

Williams stared at him. "Do we have a file on you?" he asked with a grin. It was just his luck to have someone major show up when the others weren't around, and it be a strange thing thanks to being with a GHS member.

Xander patted Wade on the arm. "He's my assistant because someone brought him back after I killed his old boss for doing many bad things." Wade rolled his eyes but was smirking at him. He grinned up at him. Then at Williams. "He handles icky present givers that I want to stomp on like they're bugs. And sometimes tortures succuba with his girlfriend."

Danny shook his head quickly. "Okay, good to know." He could deal with that later. He watched as the first bomb was removed. Then the second one was removed faster. "That's good. Any word on the guy at the condo?" he called.

"The other team said that they disarmed it and didn't find a second one. No idea why the guy was there."

"He's a local and was helping me figure out why the guy left me his condo," Xander said with a shrug. "The guy hated me for having a boyfriend. He shouldn't have wanted to leave me anything. CJ's the sort of guy that would have a contact with someone who would know why and he could handle problems if they were coming."

"Yeah, guys like that are handy to know," Danny agreed dryly. "And I like our local retrieval team. They're all smartasses who have skills."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, they do. Ours in Miami is a great former Delta team." He grinned. "I'm buddies with a few of them."

"That's always a good thing for guys with your problems," Danny said. He walked over. "Anything you can tell already?"

"Someone was a sick fuck," the Rapid Response guy said, looking up at him. "A really sick fuck. It's got a signal reader. So probably if that bomb had went off, it'd set these off. The team there said that one's not a dirty bomb, just a regular bomb. Your partner's headed that way, Detective."

"That's fine. Chin can handle it." He looked back. "You two are staying where?" he asked calmly. Xander held up his key, letting Danny take down the information. "Go there, wait on us."

"Send CJ?" Xander asked. "He's a good guy."

"He's not in trouble for doing it this way," Danny assured him. "Go back to your room and let us look. I'll go talk to CJ myself." Wade nodded, calling them an Uber. The officer checked them for radiation while they waited on their ride to appear. Danny walked off shaking his head, getting into the official car to go to the other site. He got out about when Chin pulled in so they went up together. "Guys," Danny said as he walked up the stairs. He nodded at one. "I have the guy who inherited the place going back to his hotel room with his assistant. That way we can find him. I called in a 'don't let them leave yet' order too since he's probably flying private."

"Some rich arms dealer?" one snorted.

"Nah. A *society* member," Williams said with a smug look. "And an assistant who's special forces from Canada."

They all looked amused. One was laughing but shaking his head. "Wow. That's not usual for them. We got briefed about the upcoming convention." He looked up then at CJ. "Are you a member?"

"Local retrieval team," he said smugly. "He came to me for local help." He handed over two folders to Danny. "From Miami. From ours. So apparently he had an idea or three he wanted Xander to help him with or solve for him."

Danny looked them over, frowning. "He's with who?" he demanded, looking at him. CJ gave him a smug look but nodded. "Charming! How did someone like that meet someone like Harris?"

"Poker circuit in Miami. Xander apparently plays a lot when he's bored. He also took a lot of their money. He was dating officers before the trip but they broke up for some reason."

Danny looked at him. "Who's Wade really?"

"Long story. Let's just say most people in the know wouldn't go near Wade before he tortured them, and would ask if Harris was a better master to serve because his last one was a wanna be Caesar."

Danny huffed. "Does it help him?"

"A lot."

"Interesting. You find anything searching the place?"

"I didn't get much done before I had to call in you blokes," CJ said. "We needed that taken care of first."

"Point," Chin said. "Who are we talking about?"

"Long story," CJ told him. "We need to sit and talk about all that." Chin glared at him. "I'm the head of the local retrieval team."

"Retrieval team?" Chin asked.

"Guys, brief Chin please?" Danny called. "No one warned the rest of us about the convention in eight weeks. I'm already aware. I got the briefing from our liaison officer, who is conveniently off doing on-duty things."

CJ grinned. "The local liaison officers and agents are all strong enough to rescue people if they have to. And Texas has a whole unit of agents and officers on hand."

Danny nodded. "I can see why. All right, let's go chat about that and then I'll go see if Xander found out anything else since he's probably got contacts in lower areas."

"From his dossier, it comes from when he was a demon hunter."

Danny stiffened, staring at him. "Excuse me?" CJ smirked but nodded. "Why?"

"Longer story than the other one. Let's go have a beer."

"Sure," Chin agreed, following CJ out to the local bar he knew of. It was quiet and had a lot of shady people who wouldn't look in their direction. It was probably the only way they'd get any sort of sensible answers. They were used to people being cagey about giving them answers. This one just seemed a bit weirder than usual.

CJ waved a hand. "People," he noted. "Two notes." Everyone stared at him. "My *other* job's convention is in eight weeks downtown at a hotel. Please don't make us more work. There's a whole lot of paranoid people there. Including agents." A few rolled their eyes. "Also, Peter Thiernal is dead and someone nicely left a bomb on his car. We'd like to know who?"

"His boss," one voice called from the back room. "He was worried he was a double-agent sort."

"He was hiding in plain sight in Miami as a gay bashing asshole in the poker circuit," CJ said. "Let us know please. Before I have to tell Xander Harris, and his assistant *Wade*." He gave one a pointed look, making him choke. "Exactly. Peter got them involved. I had my lunch interrupted by Wade and Xander."

That guy waved a hand but nodded as he coughed. "Yeah," he choked. "I don't want Wade here." He wiped his face off, looking at the two officers. "You gotta get him off the islands before some of them decide they want to taunt him about the step down."

CJ leaned down to get into his face, smirking madly at him. "He's an *assistant* to a level ten," he hissed. "It's a lot more torturing now. Including getting the guy back from a group of terrorists a few months back." The guy moaned. "He's not bored by any means and his new boss is a lot more sane and nicer, plus he cooks."

"Oh, damn," he muttered. "Harris?" he hissed back. CJ grinned and nodded. "He's here?" He nodded again. "No! You have to get him off the islands before they come for him!" He stood up, looking at the detectives. "If that one's here, others are going to come for him. Not only because he bankrupted and destroyed a few underground figureheads but because he's weird and they want him as a status symbol. You gotta make him go."

"He will once we find out who came after the guy who left him the condo," Danny said. "Let's go talk." He walked him off with CJ and Chin following him. The back room area cleared out quickly. He stared at him. "Give. Now."

CJ sat down and put his feet up, grinning at the other one. "You'll want to sit. It's that sort of long talk." He pulled up the site on his phone, letting Chin have it. "On the society that's having a convention in eight weeks. Which, yes, Xander would be here for." He looked so smug. "He's usually one of the first in and the last out of most conventions."

The local thug moaned, shaking his head. "That's going to cause all sorts of problems. Especially if they come for Wade for becoming fluffy. Not even Wade's girlfriend would appreciate that sort of chaos." He flopped down into a chair with a huff. "Damn it, we don't need that here."

"Okay," Chin said, handing the phone back. "From the top. Who is this guy and beyond that group, which makes me have a headache, why is he here?"

CJ handed over the two files Danny held. "That's the same person. The one from Miami was one of his poker contacts and left Xander a condo for suspicious reasons. They came out to see if they could figure out why." He frowned and sent a text message to the GHS bulletin boards. "I'm warning the Miami retrieval team in case it flows back there."

"Why would they need a retrieval team, much less ones that are commandos?" Chin asked.

"Because of that hormone problem, they're the most kidnaped group ever," Danny said. "By the way, Steve's our local society liaison officer. So if we have problems, they come to Steve. Including the last one that got given a few mil in diamonds to be courted. He was sixteen and freaking out about the pretty, girlish bracelet."

CJ waved a hand. "One in upper Colorado got given a piece of artillery for his daughter to get her attention. The father was a member and thought it was about him since he's an engineer in a gun making company but the liaison agent's team out there figured out it was about the daughter. They helped them move to a safer area and took it to safely destroy." He grinned at Chin. "Xander got given a dirty bomb in construction by a poker contact who wanted to date him but owed him a lot of money once. He turned it over to an NCIS contact he had with the others he found. There's an absurd amount of fun from the present givers who want their attention."

Chin winced, shaking his head quickly. He looked at Danny. "How many problems do we get from this limited problem?"

"Six in the islands," he said. "We don't talk about 'em because that means they disappear."

"Then it becomes my job to rescue," CJ said. He grinned. "We're on the road an awful lot and we're the least busy team of all the teams in the US. Mostly because a lot of them end up kidnaped to out here. The UK teams have direct surveillance on their troubled ones so they can stop them before they get frequent flyer miles. The one in New York has two teams, two private planes, and they're on the go at least thirty-six weeks a year rescuing someone. Xander is the sort that will rescue himself and if not, he has help. Miami's team hardly ever has to rescue him. He's really in a class by himself for many reasons."

"We can brief on that later," Chin decided, looking at the thug.

"I know one, I'd never talk about them. And Harris has a reputation for destroying things. Whole realms even." He shrugged. "I'm not crazy enough to try to touch him or his hair. Even without Wade."

"Who is Wade?" Danny asked. "Beyond being the scary soldier sort?"

CJ pulled up a site on his phone and got into a profile. "Who he used to be before he died, got brought back, and signed on to help Xander." He looked at the thug. "By rumors, Harris is searching for a good boyfriend so if you know one, introduce them. His last ones apparently all but ignored him. He was coming down from a battle so they locked him in a room for three days." The guy shuddered. "Yeah, so, introduce, please." He waved a hand in the air. "Has to pass Wade's background check but he won't mind a poker circuit sort. Or one like Jensen since it was said they were cute when he was his assistant on his world trip."

"Yeah, if I knew someone I'd drag them to the hotel to introduce them," the thug agreed. "Before he hormones everyone in Miami."

"He's safe in Miami," CJ said dryly. "Even Mi Familia learned not to screw with him. There were rumors about swords and gas grenades when they tried him."

"He sounds like Steve," Chin muttered, shaking his head quickly. He handed the phone back. "So who is he now since that's his old life and even the file said that." Danny took the phone to look it over.

"He's a lot like a tolerant, more normal bodyguarding sort of life manager," CJ said. "He found a girlfriend who's a lot like him so they torture succuba and whoever won't take 'no' for an answer from Xander. On their trip around the world, Wade was quietly backing up the security team and made sure things were smoother when they were in Russia. Harris doesn't quite have a leash but Wade knows he has fences unless someone totally pisses him off." He let out a tiny chuckle. "Some wannabes tried to use Xander to prove who would take over Wade's old boss's areas. Xander destroyed them all while they blocked Wade from helping him. Wade helped destroy others from Miami so his boss didn't have to."

"Which is why Steve's off doing SEAL things and playing SEAL games to finish taking down one of them's people," Danny quipped, handing the phone back. He looked at the thug. "So who is this guy?"

"This guy is an asshole but he's not that deeply involved. It's just that his bosses out here think he was spilling secrets."

"That needed two dirty bombs?" Danny demanded, looking amused. "Really?"

"No. His boss isn't that good. So his boss's higher up must've gotten involved. They were kept from going after Xander during that thing because they thought he was too weak. He got upset about that brushing off by the bigger dogs. Could definitely be him."

"Is he local?" Chin asked.

"No. Well, sometimes I guess but generally no. He's...he's the guy that thinks he's got power but he's a big dog in a small yard. The regular dogs in the bigger yards would look at him like he was a runty mutt."

Chin nodded. "That's good to know. How do we find that guy?"

"That guy? He's not back in Hawaii for a few weeks as far as I heard. Let me go ask." He walked out and Danny followed. "He won't talk to you."

"Don't care. I wanna make sure no one makes Wade show up again."

"Uh, yeah, that's always a good idea. We all think Wade's really weird since he's fondly amused whenever the kid he works for has to handle something himself. Like the zombies in St. Louis that time." He walked into another back room, leaning down to hiss in one's ear. He stared at him once he was done. "They pulled Harris here. And we got a convention of them here in eight weeks."

"Hey, like Cascade, we're all gonna have peace that day," that guy said. "People, eight weeks, we all have to have peace. Before all those sort make us beg," he yelled.

"Yes, sir," a few called back. "We'll make sure it's more peaceful than the one in Cascade was."

"Thanks." He looked at Williams. "You're coming in cold, aren't you?" he asked smugly.

"Nah, I met Xander before."


"Steve's the liaison officer." He was looking smug. "So we gotta deal with it."

"That poor guy." He looked at his minion then at Williams. "That higher up is a bit of puss in a zit. He's really nothing and won't cause us any problems if he disappears. You'll hear when he comes back."

"Why the dirty bombs?"

"The guy thinks that Harris thought he was too weak. When it was Faust's doing." He shrugged. "He's jealous of those who have real power. Harris could but he lets it go over his hair." He grinned. "Try to make sure he gets out safely? If he's threatened and can't stab or shoot it, or use that dirty style of sword dancing on us to make us all hot and beg to have our dicks cut off before we die, he'll hormone us and then we tend to end up general pop in jail. That's really evil and we don't like that."

Danny wiped his mouth off, nodding. "We don't want him to have to either. Though, dance stuff?"

"Don't ask," the guy said. "Or if you do, tie yourself down or have a friend handy. Like he did in St. Louis with those zombies. You were horrified but hard and felt nasty about it."

"I'll look that up. You sure it was that guy?"

"Not sure if he killed the minion or not, but the bombs? Yeah. Probably to try to draw Harris out and get him." He shrugged. "Guy's stupid. Trying to spread rumors in the New York poker circuit."

"I got some friends up there so I'll let 'em know." He smirked. "Thanks."

"Hey, we don't want the little idiot here. He'll give us headaches and problems. Harris is a problem. Especially since the boy needs a good date or six since he's single."

Danny walked off looking smug. "Okay," he said, looking at Chin. "They'll let us know when they get here. He's in New York right now so let me call out there to talk to some buddies." Chin grinned. "You get to tell Kono in case we need ta help rescue someone during the convention."

CJ shook his head. "All the regional retrieval teams send at least a few members to all national conventions. We've got at least twelve commando or agents coming, plus a few BAU guys. Plus my team."

Danny smirked. "Steve should be back by then." CJ got up and walked out laughing. He looked at the thug again. "You let us know. I'll forget you exist." The guy nodded and hurried off. He looked at Chin. "Last time, Xander showed up to rescue two of the retrieval team in Miami from one of our *charming* arms dealers. He was trying ta be stealthy and ended up beating a gang kid before rescuing the two buddies. Then we had to talk to him on the way out because he told the detective who *swore* they couldn't do anything since they had him under surveillance that he had done his job for him. Steve was *so* pleased," he joked with a smirk. "But Xander's a nice kid."

"Think he'd like my cousin?" Chin asked, getting up.

"Don't know," he admitted. "Introduce 'em." They walked off to go back to the office. Kono was in there looking up someone. "Let's get that other scumbag up," he told Chin. "That way we're all aware of when he gets into town. Then I'll release Xander and Wade to go home."

Chin pulled up the files they had. "This is a victim from Miami. We found out earlier that he was taken out by one of our local problems, who he was working for." He looked at Kono. "We had a great time learning new things today."

"You should've called. I would've helped," she complained.

Danny shook his head. "Nah. One guy was so pouty that he set up all this to get the guy who discounted him, according to him, and put in dirty bombs."

"Wow, psychological defects," Kono quipped. "How much do we need to find on him?" Chin put down the files for her. She flipped through them, grimacing. "The guy wasn't even on our list because he was so weak." She looked at Danny, who nodded. "I guess that's changed now."

"Yup, and your cousin gets to tell you about other stuff he learned today but it's not quite classified but you can't talk about it."

"Steve's version of classified or really classified?" she asked, looking at Danny then at Chin.

Chin got into the address from earlier. Danny showed them how to log into the FAQ page properly. "They're having a convention in eight weeks."

She read it, frowning. She looked at him. "That one cuz's stepkid," she said.

"Don't know," he admitted. "Not sure how to tell."

"Need to be above puberty," Danny said. "I asked to make sure I didn't need to test Gracie."

"She's thirteen," Chin said. "I can ask the guy later how they'd test some year soon."

"It's a blood drops with stuff added test," Danny said. "They have a test kit. Show up at the convention with her."

Kono nodded. "Convention like the docs do?" she asked.

"Full weekend," Danny agreed. "They rent out the whole hotel just in case. Real high risk of kidnaping. Agents and commandos to fetch them."

"So we only need to be aware in case something happens," she decided.

Danny nodded. "Or in case we catch someone bringing in something huge as a present. The one in town who found the dirty bomb because the victim left him his condo got given a dirty bomb in construction. Others get jewels, some get weapons. It's to make them find them to pay attention to 'em so they can be courted."

She shuddered. "Gotcha." She nodded and canceled that page off the screen. "I'll listen extra hard that weekend. Just in case."

"We'll probably be here then anyway," Chin agreed. "Steve should be back by then. The scumbag we've got to catch for those bombs earlier should be back on the islands by that time." Danny smirked at him. "Also, we need to know because Steve's the liaison officer locally if one of the ones living around here gets something huge or has real problems."

Danny leaned on the table, smirking evilly at them. "Last time, Xander stopped a mass fight in a park by emoting at them," he said quietly. "They had to hose down the whole group and then had to isolate them before they got attacked for stinking like a whorehouse."

Kono shivered. "Wow."

"Yeah. He *helped*. But he's a nice enough guy. We talked for a bit while they were figuring things out. He's a bit flirty but a nice guy. Who apparently has an assistant who used ta torture people for Canada."

She squeezed her eyes shut but nodded quickly. "Everyone wanted to find the guy someone to date," Chin told her. "All the thugs even wanted him to find a nice, new date."

"I'll ask my girlfriends," she said.

"Ask some of the guys too," Danny quipped. "He had been dating two cops who ignored him. According to the file, that's why he was playing poker with Miami's entire underground."

"And he won a lot," Chin added. "I'm hoping they're only out here for vacations." Kono swatted him. "I know they can't help it but it'll tip the balance and we'll end up with a lot of pouty people with weapons."

"We could," Danny agreed. Steve walked in and they all smiled and greeted him. "Finally!"

"Bad few weeks?" he guessed. He looked at the table. Then at Danny. "When did he do something bad enough to be our caseload?"

"Someone killed a minion he thought was double-crossing him and this guy put a bomb in his apartment that was wired to blow the two dirty bombs on the corvettes parked in the condo's parking spot. Then he made sure Harris had to come check it out by leaving it to him in the minion's will."

Steve winced. "Oh, great. All handled?"

"As soon as he gets back here, or they can get him in New York," Danny agreed. "I sent an email on the way back to a few I used ta know."

"That's fine. Hold on, Harris is back?"

"With his assistant and the convention's in eight weeks," Kono said with a smile.

Steve blinked then slumped as he walked off shaking his head. "Get Wade off my islands, people."

"He's changed according to his files," Chin said. "We asked."

"Yeah, don't care. Too much temptation."

"They were working with CJ earlier," Danny quipped.

"I like CJ and his skills but still. Let them go."

"We need 'em here for another day," Danny noted. "To answer questions."

"This is not the welcome home I expected," Steve complained. "But at least he's not broadcasting at anyone on purpose to break up a fight." He looked at Danny, who gave him the files on what happened earlier. "Do we need more statements?"

"We don't have a formal one. Just one I took while they were disarming the corvettes they found there."

"Why would someone like that have corvettes?" Kono asked. "He didn't seem like he wanted a sports car. The victim wasn't into anything speedy, he's noted as complaining about fast cars being penis statements. It's why some of the others in the same running circles mocked him." She found that part of the file and let them see it.

"Xander used to have a corvette in Miami until some animal rights nut blew it up," Xander said from the doorway, smiling and bringing in the basket. "I'm missing spoiling my former boyfriends and their station. And I'm getting away from the guy that tried to attack Wade for existing again." He grinned at Steve. "I'm being good so no one gets the wrong idea right before the convention. Or else I would've solved that little pissant for Wade. Though Wade would get pouty again." He looked at Danny. "I used to have a blood red 1973 corvette until a lady and her daughter who hated that I have Hubert, my baby dragon, and that I'm gay. She blew it up at the vet's office after I adopted three dogs out of the pound. She's still in jail and will be for probably the next five years since she got eight-to-ten for that and stalking me."

Steve looked at him. "Who attacked your assistant, Mr. Harris?"

He grinned. "Quit calling me by the drunk asshole stepfather's name please. I'm not the formal, stick up the ass sort. They're not nearly as much fun as sex toys. Or actual dicks." Steve moaned, shaking his head quickly. "And it was another of Max's former minions. Wade was drowning him in a fountain when he told me to come see you so I'm safe. So I brought some nice fruit stuff and some nice burgers. The fruit stuff is sweet but spicy. I had some of it in India and really liked it. It cooled off the heat that would not die." He grinned.

Steve patted him on the arm. "I've been to Thailand."

"Me too!" He bounced some with a grin. "I got cooking lessons there too." He snapped his fingers. "Oh! I had to stop the local watcher's council asshole who tried to have a peaceful demon kill me for existing when we got back to the hotel. He's still begging for mercy when I told the demon who the guy was. So you might not get a missing persons case but not real sure, but if there's a body it'll be eaten." He grinned. "And the guy's potential was already rescued and she's at the ER." He looked at Danny. "His potential is three. She's got training injuries according to the helpful, peaceful demon."

Danny called the local ER they went to. "It's Detective Williams. Did a peaceful demon bring in a child with injuries? Two today?" He looked at Xander, who shook his head. "Yeah, I need ta know. Thank you. Be right there." He hung up and patted Xander on the arm as he walked past him. "Thanks, Harris."

"Welcome." He looked at Steve. "Did we figure out what happened so I can make sure it doesn't come to Miami? Or Denver since that's my backup house?"

"We did," Chin said. "It appears his overlord was denied the chance to test himself against you because the others thought he was weak."

Xander grimaced, pulling up something on his phone and letting Chin see it. "That time?" Chin nodded slowly as he read. "Great. I thought I had gotten all of them."

"He was a poser," Steve said. "A true wannabe that thought he had power and doesn't. No one's scared of him. Even our department thought he was a weak link."

"Oh, one of *them*. Yeah, the poker circuit has many of those." He grinned. "My off-world goats ended up eating one of them when he drunkenly went to pet them. They eat anything."

Steve blinked a few times. "They what?"

Xander pulled up video. "The manager at my farm sent it so I'd know how to deal with them if I ran into another set." He let Steve see it. Steve moaned. Xander grinned. "Chocolate makes them happy and high for about an hour but they'll eat anything that gets near their mouths."

Steve handed the phone back. "Are there any of those in Hawaii?"

"How would I know? How many of your people can get off world or to certain demon market realms?"

"I have no idea," Steve admitted. "If so, I might ask to borrow them sometime."

Xander grinned and patted him on the arm. "They're fun to use to threaten people. That's what happened when a gang kid used them for their initiation against that politician douchebag."

"I saw that video," Kono said, shaking her head quickly. "I wondered why the goats bit them."

"Because they like to bite," Xander quipped with a grin for her. Wade walked in straightening himself out. "Did you correct your former minion?"

"No, the officer that broke us up made me quit drowning him for everyone so I noted that he was an arms dealer." He straightened his shirt out. "Let's go. We'll go hide until we can go tomorrow. Did you tell them about the watcher?"

"Yup." He grinned at Steve. "Can we go tomorrow?"

"I think we just need a formal statement," he said. "I'll have Danny come collect it in the morning so you can get back to Miami by tomorrow night." Xander squealed and hugged him then bounded off. Steve looked at Wade, who grinned at him.

"Yeah, he's a lot more sane than Max but he hasn't had a sex partner in over two days," he said dryly. "I'm not touching him. My girlfriend will get her vengeance demon job back." He walked off.

"There's a place," Steve said, writing down the address to hand over. "Take him there. It'll cater to him."

"That's damn helpful. Thank you. Even his dogs and the dragon smell like his hormones right now." He tucked it into his shirt pocket as he followed Xander to the rental car.

Steve wrote down the address for the two cousins. "Any backed up GHS member, they can go there," he said quietly. "Remind Vice not to bust them tonight and warn them that the convention's coming in a few weeks." Chin nodded, calling someone down there. He looked at Kono. "I ran into one in the military that had been a *reward* and got him free of his keeper, who was being an asshole to him in public. The higher ups found out about it and now test all incoming recruits just in case so they can make sure they go to semi-decent units and make sure they can't be kidnaped. One's in my former Navy Intelligence unit now."

"I had no idea any of this existed but one of the distant cousin's stepkids sounds like they may be one."

"Past puberty?" Steve asked. She shook her head. "There's a test kit. I have one stored in my filing cabinet's bottom drawer. It's not definitive until they've had sex for the first time."

"I'll keep that in mind. Who was that guy?"

"Wade? Bad news." He pulled up his official dossier, letting her read it.

"He's changed a lot. The other file we got shown noted it," Chin told them.

"It seems he did since he used to be mostly psychotic," Steve said sarcastically. "We'll figure things out. I'm sure he'll be hiding during the convention." He walked off. "I'm getting a drink."

Kono pulled over the food to sniff. "That smells nice." They dug in, nodding as they ate. Steve saved Danny a portion and got his own, settling in to eat because it had been a long day. This is not what he wanted to come back to.


Danny showed up that night, staring at Xander when he answered the door. "Who is their overlording idiot?" he asked, walking in. "We wanna talk to 'em about the girl that got taken from Haiti."

"They're in England," Xander said. "I'm not sure who's in charge now since Travers got eaten by the demonic fog that they should've taken care of, but didn't so I kindly sent it to them after they tried to have me killed. Then again, they're the same reason that 317 people died in a village."

Danny winced. "That's heinous."

"Yes it is," Wade agreed, nodding behind his book. "The locals there thought so too." He looked at him. "The UK government might know who's in charge now."

"True, they did make the Council cancel the plot to kill me," Xander quipped. He grinned. "She's not the worst they've had," he said at the detective's bad look at him. "They believe it's their job to train their mystical warrior to be a sacrificial warrior. They're mostly jackasses who think slayers are disposable and easily replaced by the next one. They treat the girls like shit. And they don't really care if one dies. A ton of the potentials have died because they were sent out to hunt demons without having slayer skills." Danny winced. "They're huge problems in the world of hunters. They're nearly as bad as the evil we all fight. Unfortunately they're an ancient organization that was there when humanity was building cultures. We do what we can."

"I get that," Danny agreed. "How many might be here in Hawaii?"

"Generally one to an area. Otherwise the girls might meet and talk," Xander said dryly. "The one we worked with in Sunnydale had *one* outfit. Her watcher, who raised her, told her to come to Sunnydale but didn't send her so she rode up on the landing gear." Danny slumped, staring at him. "Yeah. They have a *great* birthday test if they make it to eighteen. They take the slayers' powers and then lock them in an area with a vampire.

"Sometimes they give them a stake. If they survive, great, they can keep patrolling." He stared at him. "We do what we can. We fight against them. There's a whole bunch of demon hunters who aren't affiliated with them who'd *love* to see them go down. Including one that adopted a baby they were going to take out for being a potential but male. Killed his mom and we had to get the baby to safety."

"Damn. Okay," Danny said. "How do we figure out how to protect any of the girls we find?"

Xander grinned. "I ask the demon poker circuit if any are nearby. They keep track of them too." He smiled. "And a lot of them are very helpful, just not from around here. I wouldn't tell them that she's a slayer potential, a few aren't that nice and might try to take her out for it, but a lot may help."

"Also, ask the UK people if they know who's in charge," Wade added.

"Yeah, we can do that. We think the kid'll be okay."

Xander nodded. "I'm hoping so but she's not the worst." He stared at him. "Two in Central America, twins, were on the route we took home. They were two and a half and Jensen beat the living fuck out of their watcher for the condition they were in and gave them to a group of nuns a few hours away to protect them. I told them why and they agreed they could protect the girls from their hospital beds." Danny shuddered. "The watcher lady tried to get them back by paying some local thugs with guns that night. Cougar and Jensen and I all shot them until they gave up and the nuns decided it was a great idea. Even though they hated it."

Danny winced. "I'd have killed 'em," he admitted.

"The nuns asked us not to," Xander said. "One novitiate said that they didn't want blood shed near their church and that God was awfully busy right now so didn't have the time to whip them into proper humans. The Head mother tried to correct her but she pointed out it was true, and they needed it. The nuns couldn't and the priests hadn't so someone had to. The head nun agreed with her reasoning but reminded her nuns weren't militant."

"I've never met a militant nun," Wade said, looking up then at him. "Did you do your daily prayers today?"

"Yeah, both sets." He grinned then at Danny. "I'm a priest to a few of the Greek gods."

"That's cool. I guess it fits with all the stuff you gotta deal with. If you hear about more of them, tell us?"

"Of course. I hate to see anyone held hostage or in slavery, Detective Williams. I paid people the last time I heard to help a lot of them get free. All of us like I am hate people are held as pets or useful slaves."

"Thanks." He looked at Wade. "Any good agents over that way you know?"

"Not personally. You could ask your SEAL. He might know a few."

"That was my next move." He looked at Xander. "We can let you go home tomorrow."

Xander grinned. "I avoided being invited to a poker game locally later tonight."

"I think you should so they know not to screw with you if you show up for the convention," Wade complained.

"I'm not coming for the convention, Wade. That way everyone's calm and all that stuff."

"Fine," Wade agreed, though he was smiling at Xander's back. He hated conventions. Xander looked back at him. He smirked. "Dinner?"

"Damned if I have a clue. Not really hungry."

"Yeah, we're going to go to the local GHS brothel in a few minutes," he reminded him. "We can get dinner on the way back, kid."

"Yes, Wade." Hubert came out of the bedroom, stretching as he walked. "Hey, Hubert. Have a good nap?" Hubert nodded.

Danny stared at it. "What is that?"

"It's my baby dragon Hubert." Xander grinned. "I found his egg off-world. He's a great ferret wrangler and a really great napping buddy."

"He's great when he naps with me," Wade said. "He's warm and doesn't try to pounce me like Anya does." Xander giggled, picking up the dragon so Danny could pet him. The dogs ran out and barked so Wade got their leashes to take them out for a few minutes.

Danny took film of Hubert. "You're weird but neat. My daughter would love one of you." The dragon preened and snuggled in.

"We have horses too," Xander said. "And occasionally a unicorn foal that shows up."

Danny stared at him, nodding slightly. "That's a lot of animals. Let me go talk to my teammates." He patted Hubert and left before his mind finished going to mush. He made it to Steve's and walked out onto the back porch, where he was. "Unicorns?"

Steve looked up at him. "I've heard that anything could happen around Harris so I'm not horribly shocked." Danny showed him the pictures of Hubert. "What is that?"

"His baby dragon Hubert."

Steve took a drink of his beer and sighed as he swallowed. "They can go back to Miami soon."

"Yeah. We need to find a UK agent."

Steve stared at him. "That kid?"

"Bad. Really bad."

"I know a few Para over that way."

"Please. Also, she was kidnaped. The lab found out by DNA."

"Figures." He finished that beer and they settled in to relax and make plans to get Harris and Wade off the Hawaiian islands before they were permanently warped.


Xander looked at Wade that night, too tired to really make it to bed. But the dogs were all laying on top of him anyway so he was comfy. "Hey, Wade, remind me when we get back to take you and Jensen to my emergency place," he said then yawned.

"Why do you have an emergency place outside the farm?" Wade asked, trying to stay patient. Sometimes Xander had and made weird plans.

"Zombie apocalypse or other problems that would mean we'd need a fallout shelter and other amenities for emergencies that might last more than a week." He glanced back at him, grinning slightly. "The Captain, the guy that runs the training area, he helped me plan it."

"I see. How bad is it? You'd have to be able to build down pretty far for a fallout shelter."

"Which you can't do in Miami but it's even safer than most of them that're built underground. Plus it has a lot of emergency precautions going on." He shifted, petting the pouting dogs since he had moved. "It's all right. I'm just getting comfy, guys."

Wade sighed mentally. His boss was so weird sometimes. "Bedtime."

"Can't move."

"Bullshit. You'll complain all day tomorrow about your back while we're on the plane and I'll never get any rest. Go to bed, Xander."

"Fine. Let's go nap, guys." They barked as they ran for the bed. Xander heaved himself up with a moan but trudged to bed.

Wade shook his head while emailing Patrick, the guy that flipped houses for Xander. He had no idea what he was talking about so he tried Patrick's sister, who sold real estate. She admitted she had found Xander a new warehouse area. It was very secure, downtown, and rather large. She had no idea why he had wanted it but she had assumed he was moving the present warehouse somewhere bigger. He grimaced and wrote her a thank you email then wrote one to the hunting bobsy twins. Sam gave a glowing review of the space. Wade squeezed his eyes shut but sighed. Then Dean sent one saying he wasn't sure that was the only emergency area that Xander had created. Wade started a search for Xander's holdings. He really had to get the kid to give him a real list of things.


Xander bounded into the nice officers' unit the next day, handing Steve something. "Wade said I should share my emergency plan's plans even though I don't think zombies can swim well enough to get out here, but you could probably use it for tsunamis and stuff." He hugged Danny. "We're on our way out unless you need us to stay. The plane's off the contract tomorrow and they won't add it for the next day without huge fees."

"Go ahead once you've signed your statement," Danny said, pulling it up so he could read it.

"Wow, yours are so much more reasonable and normal people than Don's is. Or Danny's. But he's a CSI." He frowned as he read but signed the screen and handed it back. "Only one typo of my name. You put one 'R'."

"Yeah, that's fine," Danny agreed. "You have fun on your way back to Miami."

"You guys have fun too." He smiled. "Two more poker buddies are out here for a vacation and they're both gaybashing assholes so if you have to handle them, we'll be happy boys in Miami." He grinned as he bounded off.

Danny blinked. "Way too much sugar," he said dryly but quietly. "My little girl did that once thanks to cereal. That got stopped really fast."

Steve shook his head with a sigh. "Backed up probably." He looked at the plans, frowning. "That's a ... wow, it's an emergency bunker with upper level defense access. I guess he decided zombies can't climb." He let the others see it. "Safe apartment area with concrete, steel, and radiation proof insulation systems. Mega computers that run on solar power. The whole thing seems to run on solar power." He traced a finger. "Stairs that are pull down/pull up for safety." He hummed. "That's not a bad idea."

Danny looked at him. "Will we need one?"

"I doubt we'll have another Pearl Harbor but it wouldn't hurt to have an emergency fall back in case we have tsunami. Or if we do get zombies for some reason."

"We get zombies, I'm feeding a few choice people to them on the way out of the city," Danny joked. "I've got a list ready for that event." Steve smirked at him. "Seriously." Kono and Chin both grinned at him. "You guys can add yours too."

"We'll just drag them and drop them into a mass of them," Kono assured him. "It's not a bad set of plans. Looks like a warehouse."

"It is," Steve agreed. "A very large one too."

"Well now we know what to do if we need to start building an emergency clubhouse," Chin decided. He went to get some more coffee because that was a weird idea that could be necessary for them some day.

Steve copied the plans down for his own use and let their resident paranoid expert have a copy. Jerry would love that bunker idea.


Wade called Jensen before they landed. "It's us. Meet us at the airport so we can look at Xander's paranoid haven." He hung up and looked at Xander. Who was sleepy but oh well. Best to get this out of the way. They finally got off the plane and got their bags, the dogs, and Hubert, going to the main airport. "No Customs this time," he reminded Xander when he headed for that door. "Hawaii is still part of the US."

"Oh yeah." He followed him out to the parking lot. He grinned as his large, extended SUV was driven up by Jake. They hugged as Jake got out and Wade got in to drive with Xander's directions from his phone. Jake and Xander chatted in the back while petting the animals until Wade found the warehouse. The door opened automatically. "It's on the same sort of system as the other emergency fallback," Xander called. "On the same remote."

"That's almost practical," Wade said dryly. "But dangerous."

"I doubt zombies can program a remote, Wade."

"There's better reasons to use this beyond zombies, kid." He parked and got out, looking around. Half the warehouse was taken up by a 'house'. A large, glass window walls house. "Is this really practical?"

Xander and Jake got out, Jake looking around whistling. "Wow, bulletproof glass."

"Shatterproof too," Xander quipped with a grin. "Up to wrecking ball stress. My engineer figured out how using nano-carbon."

Wade nodded once, going to look things over. The 'house' was pretty large. Mediocre kitchen by Xander's standards but it had all the necessary things. He looked around the sitting area. It had seats for about thirty people. Xander and Jake looked in the bedrooms and the bunkroom areas. Wade looked over their shoulders. Bunkbeds for sixty, six other regular bedrooms that would sleep at least two, if not more if they wanted to cuddle or sleep on the floor. There were bathrooms between each set of two bunk and bedrooms. Wade found the ladder and looked. "Where does this go?"

"The upper level," Xander said. "Here, this is the emergency shielding." He pushed the button and shades went down, lights coming up automatically. The whole building was now sealed tightly. They couldn't feel any airflow at all. "There's an excellent air filtration system on the warehouse and one on the house itself," Xander told him with a grin. "The ladder leads up to the second story walkways. Plus the accessory armory." He led them out into the main warehouse to show him that area. "This is an automatic button for the stairs." He pushed it and it came down. "Once it's up you can clip it up so it can't come back down." He walked up there to show the area off. "Every corner has an accessory armory with bullets, crossbow bolts, and emergency water supplies that come in from the super filtered water system." He showed the nearest one to them. "The filtration is on the whole warehouse and it's so tough that it's even better than the zero water systems you can buy."

Wade tasted it and nodded. "Very well filtered." He made sure it was turned off. It dripped over a small drain area and the rest of the closet floor was tilted so water wouldn't build up. They walked around. The walkway surrounded the building and it had a lot of walkways that went from side-to-side and end-to-end. You could get anywhere on the upper level quickly and there were three roof access hatches.

Jake went up and came back down smiling. "Great solar system and battery system. It'll easily run the whole warehouse most of the time."

"It has a generator for backup," Xander said with a nod. "Plus a propane tank that runs the generator and forced air system."

Wade nodded, looking around the area. "This is a really nice idea if you need to make a standoff for some reason. You and the Captain did good," he decided, looking at them. "We can definitely defend this area in case of huge problems." He patted Xander on the arm. "Good job." Xander preened, bouncing some. "Let's go home. I want to be pounced and make her give up the monkey."

"Sure," Jake agreed. "I can drive. You're both probably tired." Xander nodded, yawning again. Jake took them back out there, waking the sleeping dogs and dragon as they got into the SUV again. Wade did let him drive, he was exhausted. He dropped Wade off and then drove Xander home, taking him to cuddle on the large antique bed Xander had inherited. Xander was all but asleep as soon as they laid down with the dogs around them.

Wade walked in and stared at Anya and her cannibal monkey. "There can only be one Wade in Miami," he said bluntly.

"I can bury you," she offered with a smile.

He snorted. "I can make you move."

She pouted. "That's mean, Wade. I was looking forward to a good welcome home."

"That thing tries to bite me and you can have a wall hanging of his fur."

"Her," she corrected. "I found that out long after I had already named her."

He rolled his eyes and pointed. "I'm going to bed." She hurried that way to get ready for him. She had been without sex for a while now. It was good he was home. When her cannibal monkey decided she didn't want to share her human and tried to bite Wade, she shooed her off before Wade shot her poor first pet. Not that it would kill it since he had normal bullets, but it'd hurt her and Anya would have to pout about her pet being hurt.


Wade walked up to Patrick, Xander's construction guy, the next morning, looking amused. "Patrick, Anya's pet needs its own house."

"You don't have a backyard," Patrick reminded him. "So unless you build on top of the garage to give it a lot of flying room and perches, you don't have anywhere to renovate. Unless you're willing to give up the garage's modifications you had me put in when you bought the house?"

"Not really. Can we build above the garage? Give the demented, biting thing its own area? Anya pouted herself into celibacy and not wanting any when I suggested she give the damn thing to Buffy and Roque out in LA."

"LA's banned them," Patrick said with a small grin. "They got film from when Speedle released one on a gang meeting and banned it within hours."

"Great," Wade shot back, grimacing at the end. "How much and how long do I have to put up with the demonic ball of brightly colored feathers and teeth?"

"The addition would probably be about eight grand, plus whatever you wanted to put in there for furniture and perches."

"Xander had the idea of things like cat climbing trees," Wade said.

"Not that hard to do, plus flying perches too. Toys. A little closet that has a door so the thing can't get into the clothes to eat them too. Because I know she spent a lot on the poor thing's wardrobe." Wade nodded at that. "Not that hard, Wade, and your garage roof was going to need replaced in about five years anyway."

"Please, when you can. Hopefully soon."

"You know that the thing really loves the goats, right?" Patrick asked with a grin.

"Pity the goats wouldn't eat it," Wade complained as he walked off. "Let me know when you can start. Maybe I'll send her and the damned thing to a spa for a few weeks."

"I'll start on the permits this afternoon, Wade." He hid his smile. It was fun watching Wade be disgusted at something beyond Xander's present givers. Though his assistant had that look that meant Xander had called with an odd problem. "Big problem at the house?" he guessed when his assistant hung up.

"Xander wanted to borrow our truck to bring tacky presents to the lab. WADE!" he bellowed. "Call Xander! It's another tacky conference!" Wade waved back but was scowling as he got into his car. He looked at Patrick. "The last one had a skull with skin colored stones on it."

"I heard. So damn tacky," he agreed. They walked off, Patrick calling a friend in the city's permit office. "I need to start a garage addition permit, Celeste. Thank you. Yeah, go ahead and fax it. Thank you." He hung up. "She wanted me to tell Eric that she said hi."

"He probably gets a lot of that. Poppi's son is a slut," his assistant shot back with a grin. "But sometimes his ex's are handy to know." They went back to work on the current project.


Xander sighed as he walked up to Mac's lab receptionist. "Someone left us tacky shit."

"Horatio's at the other lab, Xander." She smiled. He held up something so she could stare at it. "What is that?"

"That's a decorated shrunken head," he said dryly. "Which Sheldon should probably deal with. The other six things are in the truck and I think Mac and Stella might need them more than Horatio. And I brought lunch." He grinned. She smiled, paging people for him. "Hey," he said with a nod at the patrol commander, who grinned at him. "I made lasagna this morning to wear out a funky mood before I found the other stuff. There's about ten pans of it in the truck with the tacky stuff for a tacky conference."

"Thank you, Harris." He went with him. He opened the door, staring at one. "Is that a dead body?"

"No, it's a faux mummy. It's in foam." He looked at him. "If it was a real one, Sheldon could've come to gather it at the house. They made a nice collage by my gateway in the pecan and lemon trees." The commander shook his head quickly, carrying off the lasagnas. Sheldon came out. Xander handed over the shrunken head.

Sheldon held it up to look at, nodding slightly. "Interesting present. Real?"

"Stolen from a museum up in New York." He pointed. "In the lemon and pecan trees. It's foam and probably from the same heist." Sheldon got into the truck to look, nodding that the jewelry and decorations on the foam mummy were real. Xander pointed with a sigh. Sheldon looked and moaned back. "That's why I came to you, Sheldon." He grinned.

"Gee, thanks." He smiled back. "We can handle the tacky things, Xander." Mac and Stella came out so Sheldon pushed that box over to the edge of the truck. "He brought them to give us nightmares."

Stella opened the box and stared. "Wow. That's really nice of someone to give us very lifelike dolls of Lindsey and Hirsute Woman." She looked at Xander, who pointed at the faux mummy. Sheldon held up the shrunken head. "Where did it come from?"

"A collage like in high school in front of my pecan and lemon trees," Xander said dryly. "They even brought in cardboard so it looked like it was in a shoebox." He showed her pictures. "The cardboard's still there until I tell Wade he can burn it."

"We're under burn advisory," Sheldon said, getting out of the truck. "What's in that heavy bottom box?"

Xander looked at him. "I didn't look. Wade looked while I was moaning about the fake mummy. Then he moaned like he had a migraine and went to lay on the couch with Hubert." Mac got up there to look and let out the same sort of moan. "Should I let you borrow a dog to cuddle, Mac?"

"Maybe," he said, holding up something. Stella stared then slumped, shaking her head. "At least it wasn't living." He carefully pushed the box out to Sheldon, who got Xander's help to put it on the trolley they brought out. The foam, surprisingly heavy, mummy went on top of the seven boxes. The shrunken head got put into Sheldon's shirt pocket for now. At least until it bit him then it got put onto the mummy. They carried stuff inside.

"I gave the patrol commander here the lasagnas I made earlier," Xander called with a wave. "Let me give Patrick back his truck. Oh, Wade's having him put up a cannibal monkey habitat." He got in to drive the truck off, going back to Patrick's work site. He exchanged the keys for his SUV's keys. "Thanks, guys. Mac's having a migraine for lunch." They smiled, letting Xander go home.

They'd get to call Mac later when they ran into a buried human arm. Mac looked happier now so apparently the tacky things had been solved. Patrick looked at him. "Was it that bad? Xander borrowed our truck."

"It was," Mac assured him. "But it went back to a theft from a few museums. And a fake mummy done in foam with real decorations on it." Patrick walked off shaking his head. "If you hear someone talking about artifacts, let us know?"

"Of course. We build things. We don't deal with those things, Mac." He grinned.

"There's days I don't want to either," Mac admitted. He got down to look at the arm that had been buried in a trash bag in someone's yard. "It looks like it was cut off."

"Don't need to know," Patrick reminded him, hurrying off. "I can give you the owner's paperwork if you need it."

"Please." They got it from the office, letting Mac take down the information on the permit. Mac went back to the office to handle things. At least this one was a guy who lost his arm from injury and had decided to bury it like he would a pet. So not a homicide, a serial killer, or anything like that. It made for an easier afternoon.


Sheldon smiled at the person who came to the video conference. "Morning, Doctor Fielders."

"CSI Hawkes, is there a problem?" he asked, looking frazzled.

"Someone down here received things that were stolen from your museum as a present."

"They weren't involved?"

"No, they were in Istanbul when your break-in happened. They just nicely staged an exhibition before dawn today."

"Someone's girlfriend?" the museum director asked.

"They'd really like it if the guy would give in and be theirs," Sheldon said dryly. "But no. He came out this morning to find it in a cardboard collage under some of his nut and lemon trees." The museum director moaned. "This is what he's found." He took the camera to show him.

"That is our foam mummy. We didn't have a full one and wanted to show the decorations as they would've been used. And the shrunken head came from another exhibit." The rest got a few moans over. Sheldon put the camera back to look at the screen. "I can positively identify all but two things out of all those. Have you done any processing to see who stole them?"

"I've sent any fingerprints we found up to my former lab with samples to rule out the person that received them and his assistant, who was also in Istanbul at the time of the break in. They know that person so we'll be able to give it back soon. We'd need someone to sign the receipt and all the forms for handing it back."

"I can gladly come do that, CSI Hawkes." He smiled slightly. "Maybe it'll help us catch whoever did it."

"If they were like most art thieves they used gloves," Sheldon reminded him. "But maybe. We can only hope so. Any idea where those other two came from?"

"I'll ask around and email you my travel plans later tonight."

"Thank you, Doctor Fielders. Have a better day."

"You as well." He hung up and went to tell his assistant. Who called the local lab to see if they knew anything new. It was fishy but if the person was in Istanbul.... Then the local lab people showed up to tell him about the one that had received it. Surely that one hadn't stolen it. The society wasn't that sort of people. If they wanted artwork they flirted their way into it or bought it from another member.


Doctor Fielders got to Miami a few weeks later, shaking Sheldon's hand since he was at the airport to meet him. "I have a fairly positive identity on who owns the other two artifacts." He handed over that file. "They were reported in the system and our insurance agent found them when I asked him to view the recorded film you called in." They walked out together. "Would that receiver know anything about any other stolen art?"

"Perhaps but mostly they give him tacky presents like a real skull covered with jewels to make it look like a head model."

"I heard about that case. It was written up by some ME around here."

"The next county actually. The same person received it." He got the man to the rental car desk. "We can go to the lab now so you can look over your museum's things and I can ask Xander to come in to see if he knows about any other artwork."

"Please, CSI Hawkes. Too many things are missing these days."

"Of course. I have directions to the lab for you." He handed them over. "Meet me there once you've checked in and I'll start the release to you while Xander comes in." They shook hands and Sheldon went back to the lab. "Mac," he said when he ran into him in the hall. "Doctor Fielders is coming in soon. He wanted to talk to Xander about any other artwork he's seen."

"His warehouse has a few things. I'll call Xander since he's pouting at home due to being backed up." He walked off to do that while Sheldon got the things ready for release. Doctor Fielders got there about an hour later and Xander was already on his way in with his warehouse's inventory. And his one for his artillery warehouse he handed to Mac as he walked past him. Mac read it over, grimacing. "I'll be there to look at that later, Xander," Mac called after him.

"Sure, Mac." He smiled, holding out a hand. "Hi, Xander Harris."

He shook his hand with a smile back. "Mr. Harris, thank you for giving those back."

"I hate getting presents. I usually have anyone drop anything at a warehouse and take it back when I don't do more than put it on an inventory list because I don't want it." He handed over the list. "Some things have pictures. Some are just descriptions."

"That's fine. If we must, can we go look at the warehouse?"

"Of course. That's the last inventory someone did for me while I was out of the country. I was going to do one this weekend anyway to search for more living things. Like the miniature buffalos. Or the tiger cub and mummy I got another time."

"Real one?"

"It was given to Miami's museum," Xander said with a smile. "The tiger cub was given to the zoo when we found them together."

"That's interesting." He looked through the inventory. Only a few things were possibly identifiable. "This piece of artwork?" he asked with a point at an entry.

"Looks like someone did it in ketchup and mustard," Xander said. "We can go look at it and if you want it, please take it before I have to sell the warehouse's contents off this time."

"I can do that." He checked over his other items and signed the forms. He got it shipped back to his museum then followed Xander to his warehouse. He walked in and moaned. "No climate control?"

"There's some air conditioning," Xander said. "I have no idea about that and if it looked like I really cared about it, they'd leave more expensive stuff." He shrugged slightly. "Sorry but I was being practical."

"No, I can understand that. I certainly wouldn't want to be gifted against my will and relationships either." He went toward where he could see paintings. "These aren't on the list?"

Xander looked then in the list. "Yeah, those are on last month's one." He showed him the artwork section. "Sam did that month's."

"Oh, I see." He looked through them. "Some nice fakes." He pulled out a few to look at more closely. "That one might not be a fake."

"Every year I give the whole warehouse to Christie's for them to auction off because I don't want presents," Xander said. "I told them bluntly if they found something stolen, or on the Nazi art list, to give them back with apologies for me receiving it." The museum director smiled at him. "The rest they auction off at a great rate for themselves. My usual helper up there makes a nice commission off me yearly. Then I go pay the IRS theirs."

"I can understand that." They went over the rest of the warehouse. Xander had sorted out all the areas so the artwork was in one area, the books had their own areas. It was well laid out for easy searching. Mac and Sheldon came in to help them when he found something that was certainly stolen. Xander got his list of probable givers from his assistant, who delivered it with a certain weird monkey with wings clinging to his back.

Xander looked at Wade the monkey then at his Wade. "She's pouting?"

"More than if she had kept Toby," he agreed sarcastically. "Apparently this is a kid she can understand and love. I offered to move her bed into the new monkey habitat but it is not living in the house because I don't want eaten." He handed the monkey to Xander. It tried to bite Xander too but Xander blocked the bite and stared until the monkey shrank away from him. "How did you do that?"

"The same way I stopped someone's dobbie in obedience class from biting me. I let it try to get my fist, which was too big for its mouth, and glared until it realized it was a beta puppy to a human." He looked down at the monkey. "Behave or go sit in the car." He put it onto his shoulder. It tried to eat his hair and got its tail swatted. It tried to fly over to the artwork but Mac caught it and handed it back. Wade handed over the leash. Xander clipped it on and put the monkey back on his shoulder. "Stay there." He glared. "Don't make me make your human pouty." He smiled at the museum person. "It's a human eater."

"I've never seen one before but I suspect it's a rare species."

"It's actually another plane's cannibal monkey," Wade said. "My lover decided to adopt while we were in the rest of the world."

"She let us hire it to do raids," Mac said happily. "A lot of gang kids ran from Wade the monkey. Horatio said that one offered to go to jail before he got trapped between you and the monkey."

Wade grinned. "Thanks, Mac. It's good they didn't forget me." He looked at Xander. "No, you can't go play poker today."

Xander shrugged. "I know I'm too backed up. I was hoping some of the poker buddies would be able to find me a new boyfriend. Or hell, I could even freak myself out and find a girlfriend maybe."

"I'd offer but Anya would have to bring the monkey and it'd try to eat your ferrets," Wade joked. Xander nodded, then shook his head quickly. "Who was that woman in China?"

"Some heiress." He grimaced. "She wanted a lot but it was...icky. I mean, it wasn't nearly as good as even Anya when she was limp but complaining about wanting more way back when. Hell, my first time was better than her."

Wade nodded. "It's good you couldn't get her pregnant."

"Oh, no, she tried to tell me she was," Xander said with a smirk. "Until I had a certified letter from that doctor you found for me sent to her about me being infertile."

"That's why you wanted him," Wade said, smirking at the kid.

"Hell yes! And I kept a copy of the letter in case someone else tries." They shared a look. "I kept the threat from that one guy from England who promised he'd be knocking me up too. It was supposed to be your birthday present with the new audi." He smiled.

"Aww, thanks." He punched him on the arm.

"What did that one threaten?" Sheldon asked.

"That he was going to knock me and Sam up somehow and torture us while we were pregnant so he could have future warriors because heros had to come from bad families with tragic parents."

Sheldon shook his head and Mac moaned, looking at Wade. "I don't want to see it," Mac warned him. "At all."

"I'd never be that blatant," Wade assured him, looking smug. He looked at the kid. "You're tired of the audi already?"

"It's not *fast*," Xander complained. "My former 'vette was *fast* and sleek and more like me. The audi is like a middle aged me. Maybe one who had settled and married Anya after all but we're divorced now."

Wade nodded. "I can see that. We'll look for a new sports car for you, kid."

"Thanks, Wade."

"Did you warn Sam someone had threatened that?" Sheldon asked them.

Xander grinned. "No, I gave it to Dean." Sheldon and Mac both shuddered. Xander smiled. "I think he can protect his baby brother very well."

"Probably. He is very over-protective," Sheldon agreed. He looked at the staring museum guy. "He'd take them hostage and torture them until he killed them or managed to impregnate them. It's saving them from torture."

"I'm sure it is." He went back to work. He got another three paintings out of the stack. "Most of these aren't important or missing, though a few are interesting."

"Please, if you want them, take them," Xander said. He flapped a hand. "I don't want them, or the ones who gave them to me. So please, take it. We hold tacky conventions now and then but most of those aren't in them." He pointed at a pile. "Mac, that's the next tacky conference."

Mac looked, noticing a few boxes. "Are they as bad as the bejeweled bazookas?" he asked. The museum guy moaned at that. Wade had pictures he showed off. The guy slumped, shaking his head. Mac smiled slightly. "They pried the stones off before we destroyed the bazookas."

"Dean separated out the tacky things," Xander said. "He said he held one tacky lunch conference while we were gone but these came in afterward."

"How bad were they?" Wade asked him, putting his phone back into his pocket.

"Sparkly. Garden. Gnomes," Sheldon said simply, then rubbed his forehead.

"Gems?" Wade asked.

"Gold and platinum plated with enameling," Mac said. "Horatio went hysterical and Speed had to put him onto his office couch for a nap. The only one who thought they were cute was Valera and she said they were conversation pieces that would fit in at her favorite mixed drink bar."

"You should've let her take them," Xander said.

"The garden gnomes had been stolen from some lawns," Mac complained. "Then decorated. They were from a local artist so signed." Xander shook his head quickly, swatting the monkey for trying to chew on his hair again. "They were the least tacky thing that got introduced at that lunch conference." Xander looked up, shaking his head with another sigh. So two demons showed up with presents. "You know better!" Mac ordered. "Go home!" He pointed to the west. "Now!"

The demons pouted. Wade cracked his knuckles with an evil looking smirk. "I can make sure they get home, Mac." The demons fled. Xander patted him on the arm, pulling the monkey down to cuddle for his temper needs. Wade smirked at Mac. "You have to be more scary, Mac."

"We let Stella do that," Sheldon quipped. He pointed. "That present is moving."

Wade went to look then slumped. "Damn it."

Xander looked then at Mac. "We need to take them somewhere and we need someone like Calleigh's little blonde friend at that club."

Mac looked then at them. "It looks like an aquarium," he muttered. "Only tiny." He texted Calleigh, who said she'd tell her friend to meet them at the warehouse.

"It's going to need special areas. There's no glass holding in the water," Wade complained. Sheldon was calling someone at the local aquarium. Calleigh's friend showed up within fifteen minutes and looked in the box then at them. Wade stared at her. "Where do you want to put them back at?"

"Do we have a massive swimming pool?" she suggested.

"The local aquarium wants them," Sheldon said, hanging up and putting his phone away. "They've seen others doing the same thing."

"Sure, we can do that," she agreed. "How should we get them there?"

"I'll haul them," Wade offered. He picked up the box, carrying it out to his car. She followed him to the aquarium. They had a tank that was being filled for them when they got there. Wade put down the box and stepped back. He shrugged at the odd looks he got. "It was in Harris' present warehouse. Last time it was tiger cubs."

"We heard from friends at the zoo," one of the workers agreed. "Do we need to move them then unshrink them or how?" he asked the young woman.

"It'd probably be for the best," she agreed. They carefully emptied the bag inside the box into the aquarium tank and she unshrank everything. One thing was going after the other fish so they got it out of there quickly. The rest were going to be all right. Though one was a miniature dolphin. She tried but it was that size. "There's no more spells that I can find," she noted. She got out of the way.

"That's a pretty rare type of dolphin," one of them said. "We can give that one a nice exhibit of their own." He smiled at her. "Were there others there?"

"Not sure," Wade admitted. "If there is, we'll bring it right over. We didn't notice that one until it started to rock from the fish waking up."

"That's fine," they said, smiling at him. "Just let us know."

Wade nodded, shaking their hands and left, going back to the warehouse. The witch went back to work to moan about the idiots who wanted Xander. Wade walked in. "A rare dolphin species and an eel that was going to eat everything else. The others were pretty fish. Less pretty than your house in Mexico's fish."

Xander patted him on the arm. "Thanks, Wade."

"Not a problem, kid." He looked at Mac and Sheldon. Who waved. "We're going back to his house. He shouldn't be out alone right now." He walked Xander off. "Let's talk about the other sportcar you want."

"Sure. I've got a list." He grinned.

"I'm sure you do. Did DiNozzo help?"

"Greggy did."

"Then it'll have style so we'll have to check for performance." They went back to the manor house to get comfortable for the day. One of the poker contacts wanted to check on them but his answer of 'backed up badly' got understood and they said they'd see Xander in a few days.

Now if only Wade could find someone to sex Xander up he'd be a happy assistant.


Xander snuck into the poker game that night, sighing as he sat down. "Wade was helping me sort out a car wish list but Anya wanted him and her monkey back home."

"Is this like your SUV that you wanted for bling potential?"

"I made that thing really safe to drive," Xander said with a smile. "But no, I'm replacing my corvette. The Audi is nice but not really *fast*." He frowned. "It's nice but too uptight for me. It's for like a middle aged me."

A few of the guys nodded. They were all gang members here. "So how massive is your list and what are you looking for?"

"Power, sleek, and fast," Xander said, handing over his list. "There's a few fantasy cars. Like the two Aston Martins."

"Price cap?" another asked.

Xander looked at him. "I'm not going to spend myself poor anytime soon but semi reasonable. If it's got good performance I'll play more poker once I finally get unbacked up again. Oh, and can we start to introduce me to people? Please, guys?" They all nodded, smirking at him. "Thanks. I kinda miss someone cuddly being around. Beyond the dogs. And Hubert. He napped on Wade most of the trip so he wouldn't miss Anya." A few of the guys laughed. "Seriously! Even after Wade nearly forgot him in New Orleans."

The guys looked at the list. A McLaren. An Alfa Romeo. Two Aston Martins. A Jaguar. A Ferrari convertible. A Dodge viper and a corvette. "Do you really want to be carjacked?" one of the guys asked.

Xander shook his head. "I'd hate to chop them into tiny pieces with my swords." He grinned. "I don't want to seem too out of step for Miami. A lot of people sneered at my corvette but I loved that fast little baby of mine."

"If you're looking for performance, we can take out all but three. The top three for that is the Viper, the Vanquish, and the McLaren." He considered them. "I'm going to suggest you take out the McLaren. It's really expensive and not the best car. If you want performance and power, the Viper has the top level torque and horsepower ratings, followed by the Aston Martin. Plus a lot less expensive so less 'look at how fat my wallet is' and more 'look at my style'." Xander nodded. "Now, the viper is smaller, shorter, and just has a touch less leg room and those measurements. By about fifteen inches in places." He handed the list back. "Test those two."

"Should I have to go to the drag racing guys again to get the engine upped?"

"Probably not," that one said. "Maybe but not if you go for the top level engine." Xander nodded, staring at him. "Colors and all that stuff, well, we heard about your original Range Rover, Xander." Xander grinned. "We like the color of your present SUV better."

"Wade wouldn't let me paint the new car something nice anyway."

"Good point." He leaned on the table. "You'll probably have to pay extra for things like seats. The viper has cloth, the AM has leather or something like it." Xander nodded. "So test them both, with Wade testing the passenger's side because he's a bit taller than you so if he fits you will."

"Thanks, guys."

"No hugging," the dealer at the table warned before Xander could move. "Some of our people would try to hurt us for that."

Xander looked at him. "Tell me if they try." He grinned. "Thanks, guys. Happy game and please find me a new boyfriend or whatever? Hell, I'm almost desperate enough to have a girlfriend."

"Dude, I'll lend you my ex," one offered. "She's nearly a sex addict." Xander stared at him intently. "Really. Totally clean but needier than we heard Anya has ever been."

"Please, introduce us. I *need* it now. It's been days with only the GHS supportive brothel and my toys." They all nodded and that one sent a text message to his ex. "Thank you." He patted him on the arm and left, bouncing off to go home. By the time he got there, that ex-girlfriend was waiting on him wearing a skimpy dress. Xander grinned, introducing himself to her. She pounced, so that was nice. Very nice. He could handle this. By the next morning she was worn out and begging for mercy. Of course, that's when Wade and Anya came over.

Anya looked at her. "I remember that state, but I used to beg him for seven or eight orgasms a day," she told the unlucky woman. "Sorry but he needed the stamina for other stuff." She kissed Xander. "You know, I wouldn't mind if Wade put you between us." She grinned at Wade.

"No," Wade said. "Sorry. It'd make things weird. Help her to the bathroom, Anya." She nodded, helping the woman up and into the bathroom so she could clean up. "Where did you find her?"

"One of Petey Branchland's boys is her ex." He grinned. "I went to ask car guys about narrowing down my list. We got it down to two to try. I figured I'd ask you and Pooch?"

"That's a good idea," he agreed patiently. "You're backed up, Xander."

"I let it go out back so I was going to be okay." He smiled at the woman that came out dressed. "Are you okay?"

"I'm good," she said, taking a kiss. "Call me if you want to have some more fun, Xander."

"I can even cook dinner next time. I'm a really good cook." She smiled, slipping him her number before she walked out calling a cab. And her ex. He had never done that to her.

Xander put the number in his bedside drawer on top of the sex toys in there. He shut the drawer, sitting up to stare at Wade. "Want to go with me today?"

"We can do that this afternoon. After the school mom traffic is done with and before the getting out of school traffic starts. Which ones?"

"The viper and the vanquish. We cut it down to those and the McLaren but it was a lot more expensive and a bit less than the viper."

Wade nodded. "One's really expensive."

"But a bit bigger by about ten inches all around and it gets two more miles a gallon."

Wade nodded again. "We can try that." Xander smiled. "Are you all right? You never touch women anymore."

"I had that one in China. Unfortunately."

"I remember." He patted him on the head. "Go shower and all that. Then we'll have breakfast to talk about the day's agenda. And where Anya is going to go with her monkey before it tries to eat my balls again."

"They're very tasty," Anya said with a smile.

Wade gave her a dirty look as he went to the kitchen.

Xander shrugged. "I wouldn't know. He wouldn't let me even when I was so backed up I nearly hormoned an airport." He went to the shower, making Anya stare in a tipped-head way at his naked ass.

"Anya," Wade reminded her. She skipped out to mug him for a kiss. He let her because it was nice to be pounced sometimes.


Wade looked at the Vipers on display then at Xander. "You are *not* getting a purple viper. No way in hell. I'll have it repainted on you the first night you have it."

"I was thinking the pretty ceramic blue or one of the two gray shades," Xander said, staring at him. "I'm debating a stripe or not." The salesman was smiling at them. Xander grinned back. "I'm getting a GTS, probably. It's between you and a Vanquish."

"They're both exciting cars," the salesman said. "Have you had a sports car sir?"

"I used to have a 1973 cherry condition corvette until someone blew it up on me." He pouted. "Some animal and anti-gay nut with her daughter. May they rot in prison hopefully." The guy nodded. "I need performance because sometimes I have to get away from idiots." Wade nodded with a sigh. "This is my assistant."

"That's fine. We can take you both on a test drive. I heard you were interested in a few colors but were debating on a stripe?"

"Yup. I wanted the air ventilation hood. I figured that would make it faster?" he asked Wade.

"More air means more power in most circumstances," he agreed. "He's got one other approval person and he'll be with us in about a half-hour. His wife wanted him to watch the kids while she went grocery shopping."

"Sure. Let's go look at the GTS we have on the lot." He led them over there, letting Xander sit in it to try it out. He wiggled some but seemed comfortable. He let Wade try it while he sat in the passenger's seat. "The Vanquish is about the same."

"The sites I looked at this morning said about ten more inches, but the viper had more power in the engine," Xander said, staring at him.

"Could be. I've never test driven one."

Xander nodded. "What about colors?"

"We can do the black leather seats."

"It'll clean up easily but what about humidity making them sticky?" Wade asked.

"We do have standard air conditioning. So even with the black leather interior package it won't get too stuffy or sticky."

Xander hummed. "The seat's not that uncomfortable. It's cradling but it's a bit off where I need the support." He pointed. "That's a bit too high with that support piece."

"That's something that can be fixed by a customizing shop," Wade said. "If they can't fix it here it's not a huge fix." He looked at the salesman. "Is that an option?"

"We can't customize the seats that much but moving the foam around shouldn't be that hard."

"I went to a place by the beach volleyball courts to get my stretch Range Rover customized," Xander told him. "They could probably do it?"

"Probably," he agreed. A bald black man wearing jeans and a t-shirt walked over. "Yes, sir?"

"Pooch," Xander said, waving him over. "This is one of the choices."

"Only you and Jensen would buy a purple sports car," Pooch complained. "Clay won't drive it if we need to, kid."

Xander rolled his eyes. "There's an icy blue color and two gray colors," he said. "I'm debating stripes."

"I haven't seen too many vipers that don't have stripes." He popped the hood to look at the engine. "Nice." He nodded. "Very nice." Xander got out to hand over the specs he had found. "Hmm. Good horsepower and torque. The other one's a fancy, rich boy car." He looked at Xander. "Do you need a fantasy car that makes you look like a rich boy?"

"It's a bit bigger and pretty strong," Xander said.

"It's still a hundred grand more than this one," Pooch said, making Wade laugh. "I know it won't matter to you and your poker habit, Xander, but still."

"We took out the McLaren. It was more expensive," Xander quipped with a grin. The salesman was laughing.

"Good! We'd hate to answer the call when you got carjacked." He patted him on the arm. "Do you fit in there?"

"The seat's a bit short." He let Pooch try it and Pooch figured out how to move the seat back. He and Wade traded places. "I think the seat will move back there too," Xander said. "But the seat doesn't really come out too far on my thighs. It's like sitting in a tiny chair."

"That's something we can fix," the salesman said. "That's a hidden option we can customize." Xander grinned and nodded. "Stripes?"

"It seems like it's normal to have them," Xander agreed. He looked at Wade and Pooch. "Can we take a test drive?"

"Of course. We all have licenses?" They showed them so the salesman took them out one at a time. He came back and Xander petted the car. "So, can we start loan paperwork?"

"No," Xander said, making the guy frown. "But I can go to the bank and get money."

"We offer good prices on competitive loan options," he said.

Xander looked so confused. "Cash, dude. Cash." The man swallowed. Wade cleared his throat and pulled out an envelope to hit Xander on the arm with. He looked and grinned. "You came prepared."

"That's only about half but your bank's about six blocks away so we can get the rest," Wade said.

"Okay, let me do that and I'll be right back." He handed over the cash to Pooch. "Look at the colors. It's the icy blue one or the two grays. I'm leaning toward the blue. Apparently the stripes have color options and I want the ventilated hood." Pooch nodded, going with the salesman to the office to start the paperwork. Wade and Xander went to the bank to get the rest. Of course, when they were getting the cash, someone tried to rob the bank. Wade's groan made Xander look and sigh. The cashier pushed the button and put the cash into an envelope behind the counter, getting a smile for it.

"I want the money!" the man shouted. "And no one gets hurt!"

Xander looked at him. "Dude, really?" The man glared at him and threatened him with a shotgun. "Sure, you shoot me. I have two ex's who're cops. You go right the fuck ahead." The man swallowed. "I've already speed dialed one so they're listening in." He waved his phone but didn't show the screen since that was a lie. "Do you really think this is a great idea today?"

"Yes!" He grabbed Xander by the arm. "You're an uppity hostage."

Xander punched him. "I don't play hostage unless I'm into role playing games that night and you're not my type. I have taste." The guy tried to threaten him again so Xander stabbed him in the stomach. "Idiot." He walked back, smiling at the cashier. "It's okay." The guards came over to get the gun and handcuff the guy. "Can I go buy my car now?"

"We need a statement, sir," one of the guards ordered. "That was totally stupid! And lying like that!"

Xander stared at him. "I have dated two cops. Really." He handed the envelope to Wade. "Go buy my car for me." He nodded, going to do that. When the detectives came in, Xander waved. "The guy totally decided I was weak and helpless. I even told him I was calling my ex's."

The lead detective stared at him. "Harris?" He nodded. "Wow. You're back."

"For two weeks." He grinned. "The guy thought I was an uppity hostage and didn't realize I wasn't into him so I'd never role play with him that way. And hey, concentrating on me meant that he didn't hurt anyone," he told the guard. "Not like he could use the gun he was carrying. It's not loaded."

The detective looked it over and nodded. "It's unloaded, you're right." He handed it off. "Why are you here?"

"My audi is nice but not *fast*," Xander said with a shrug. "I'm buying a viper. Wade and Pooch are helping me right now. I came in to get more money than what Wade was carrying."

"That's fine. Is he here?"

"I sent him to go buy my car."

"That's probably who called in the second call," the other officer said. "Who is this, Detective?"

"This is Detective Flack's former boyfriend." Xander nodded with a grin. "I have no idea why they broke up?"

"He never made it home and he never did anything with me," Xander said, putting his hands in his pockets. "Including eating dinner with me or talking to me, or even asking me about things." He grimaced. "I was becoming Peg Bundy again."

"I get that. My wife divorced me for my hours too."

"I tried," Xander said. "For years. He kept saying it'd change and then he slipped back to the point where I didn't see him for days on end. And he was living in the house." He shrugged. "I can't do that."

"No, I get that. Go ahead up to the car dealership. Are you still cooking for groups?" Xander smiled and nodded. "I'll spread that around."

"I made the patrol guys near Mac lasagna."

"They said that it was off tasting."

"No, one of them was mad that it was in the same van that had the foam mummy figure," Xander said dryly. "That someone left on my lawn. He tried to say that it was a real mummy so the dead body had gotten into the food."

The detective shook his head with a sigh. "That figures. Go buy your new car." Xander nodded, going to do that. "Tapes," he ordered his junior officer. He got them from the guards. "I'm sure he's never going to do it again, people. He's probably very sorry he did it this time. Have a better day." He hauled the guy up and walked him out to bring him to the station. He went up to the lab too. He ran into Speedle. "Saw Harris." Speed winced. "The idiot was trying to rob the bank he and his assistant were getting money out of."

"Why did he need money?"

"He's buying a new car."

"Oh. Yeah, he wasn't fully satisfied with the audi. He said it wasn't fast enough."

"They were by a dodge dealership so probably something there." He shifted. "I asked about him and Flack and heard why. My wife divorced me for that same reason."

"It went beyond that totally ignoring him," Speed said quietly. "We tried to mediate."

"That's fine. The story about the lasagnas?"

Speed snorted, shaking his head. "No. One of the anti-gay idiots over there."

"That's what he said. Without the anti-gay part. Just thought I'd note that we ran into him earlier and he confused my rookie by being tougher than him. The whole way back the rookie asked about Harris."

"If he's nice enough, introduce them. He could use a new boyfriend."

"Nah, his wife would mind. So would his mistress." He smiled at Horatio as he walked over to them. "Ran into Harris at the bank."

"A problem there?" Horatio asked.

"Attempted robbery your boy stopped by putting down the guy. He's apparently getting a new car."

"The audi is a bit weaker than he expected, even with the hyping," Speed reminded Horatio.

"True. I wonder what he's going to do with it." Horatio sighed. "And how bad the new one will be."

"We'll have to go over to see," Speed said.

"We can," he agreed. "He's been missing playing with Mellie." He smiled at the detective. "More problems than that?"

"Just asking about rumors."

"Please, if you know someone, set Xander up," Speed asked. "I heard rumors that he actually slept with a woman again last night."

The detective nodded. "That figures. I'll see if I know anyone. Have a better day, guys. The robber wannabe had an unloaded rifle."

"Calleigh will like that," Speed quipped.

"Good deal." He left them alone to go back to his desk.

Speed looked at Horatio. "Are you pouting about him switching cars?"

"No. I knew the audi was a bit too serious for him but it was good for a long time. Maybe it'll go to his backup house."

"Have we gotten anything on his emergency shelter?" Eric asked as he joined them. "Wolfe said he's got one somewhere. Mumbled something about zombies."

"Sure, he's got something set up against zombies," Speed agreed sarcastically. "Then again, he's fought zombies." He walked off shaking his head.

Horatio smiled at his husband's back then looked at Eric. "We'll have to ask about that as well." He clapped Eric on the arm, going up to his office to let Xander know they wanted to bring Mellie over to play that night. He squealed back so apparently it was good with him.


"Three and a half weeks," Wade said when Xander showed up. "They have to order it."

"That's fine." He smiled. "Horatio's coming over tonight with Mellie."

"I'll keep Anya's pet out of the house." He let Xander look at the specifications. He nodded and wrote out a check for the few bucks he was short. The salesman smiled, letting him sign the rest of the paperwork. It'd go through easily. Pooch took Xander home and Wade went to deal with Anya and her monkey. Pooch had a lot of fun watching Wade get frustrated by his monkey self. It was the greatest fun ever. They got back and Jake took Xander to the spa with him so it was a good night. Yeah, they could handle it and hopefully Xander would have a boyfriend very soon. Before they were all driven nuts by an out of control GHS.

The End, probably of the series.
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