Darcy knocked on the Sorcerer's door, sighing when he opened it to stare at her. "How do I put the tiny bit of magic I have back into my head?"
"That may not be possible," he said, letting her in. "I expected you yesterday."
"I was job hunting yesterday since no one seems to be able to find somewhere for me." She sat down, staring at him. "I know I lost it to save myself."
He hummed and nodded. "I saw on the replay of the battle. Are you well?"
"Mad." She looked at him. "Mad at myself mostly."
He patted her on the shoulder. "It's a natural reaction but not one you should dwell on. You should be proud that you managed to get free."
"The reason he had me is a stupid cunt who used to be an agent."
He blinked a few times. "Strong language. Tea?" he suggested, holding up his tea cup.
"Please. Sugar if you have it?"
"One lump?"
"That's great. Thank you." She took the cup to sip and moaned. "Better than what I got in the shops in London." He smiled and sat across from her. "It wasn't the first time she had pulled that dirty trick. She's also suggested I don't know how to appropriately dress myself to my potential employer."
"Why is she jealous of you?"
"I don't know. It's been going on since I blocked Jane from her."
"Hmm. Could that be the root of it?"
She nodded, taking another drink and putting her cup on her knee. "I think so. SHIELD tried to take over on Jane many times after they found out about her. She resisted it and I helped her resist it but Maria Hill is still acting like a toddler."
"Aren't you suing her?"
"She's locking my academic record so I can't graduate with either degree I've worked toward. They locked my second one that should be my masters long after that initial problem that got their attention."
"Your brother?"
"Thor showing up." She finished the tea and relaxed. "That's a really nice blend. Thank you."
"It's a chamomile blend to promote relaxation."
She grinned. "I could use it. I can't get down far enough to meditate so I can do the shielding exercises. I don't want to become the next great evil."
"I believe that will be Dawn," he admitted. "Because they've recently tried something near her."
Darcy snapped her fingers. "We had a not-Dawn that was a demon. She had a mechanical baby Mortimer."
He grimaced. "Very weird." She nodded but smiled. "So very weird. Did the demon get solved?"
"Yeah. One of Xander's poker buddies ate it after he killed it."
"Good!" Her sword came out and patted her lap. He smiled. "I've seen that sort of move. It thinks you're ignoring it. My cape does the same thing at times."
She grinned at him. "So did the hammer. Every now and then she'd get bored and fly at Thor's head so she could make him go for a fly with her."
"It seems all mystical artifacts have a bit of weirdness to them." She grinned then yawned. "You should rest."
"I probably should but I have huge nightmares now. We correlated back to an attempt to kidnap me from Jane's side in London that wasn't from Asgard." She yawned again. He waved a hand, knocking her out and floating her onto a couch.
Xander came out of the back area. "Thank you," he said quietly.
"She could use the healing. I can guard her while she finally rests and help her get it back into control. What of Dawn?"
"She's had to leave Spain due to SHIELD's problems. She's set up a mystical artifact resort. Mortimer really loves to pet them with her. She's going to finish her studies by distance."
"It's something that could be of use depending on her security measures."
"Even better than the demon banks I use." He grinned. "I have a vault there already with the stuff I had stored in a few less safe areas."
"Excellent. May I have an inventory list?"
"Nope." He smirked a tiny bit. "Because some of it is really mythical and dangerous if it's known about."
"What about our upcoming battles?"
"I have a god eating demon trapped in a genie lamp."
Strange blinked a few times, shaking his head slowly. "Djinn are myths."
"Bull shit," Xander said dryly. "And they're dangerous. With his roomie.... Super dangerous. When Thanos shows up? It's coming to me for the battle."
"I'll make sure I'm out of the way."
"Pull Dawn with you."
"Gladly. I'd miss the vexing issues and her kraken." Xander grinned. "I have heard the speculation. She's not my type."
"That's between you two. Dawn's a big girl who can pounce someone if she wants to."
"True, she can. Though Mortimer would have to stay out of the bedroom." Xander giggled, nodding as he got up and left. He relaxed, watching over Darcy as she slept. Her magic was slowly pulling back in to protect her again so that was helpful.
***
Jane landed late that night, smiling as she walked in off the porch. Tony came up to greet her, shaking her hand. "Tony."
"Jane. How's Thoring?"
"Not too bad. Sometimes it's really interesting. A lot of complaining about me being a woman though." She shrugged, looking around. "I know it's late."
"You still have your apartment with Thor and he's still on Asgard. Or you could nap on Darcy's couch."
"Oh, good, you kept her." She sighed and smiled. "I was worried about where she'd end up. I've monopolized her time for so long I wasn't sure she could do a regular job."
"We're still figuring that out but she's the one that packed all your stuff up for you. The machines are still in your old lab. The notes and stuff are locked in a vault. I'm pretty sure she hid your laptop on you."
"That's fine. I have a few new notebooks to add into them from stuff I saw as I flew through the stars thanks to the hammer." It wiggled in her hand. "Yes, I'm still going to science now and then," she told it. It zapped her. She huffed and put it down, her armor fading back into regular clothes. She smiled at Tony. "It's a bit fussy."
"I figured with the way it used to use Thor to go for a fly when he was bored." He smiled. "Let's get you somewhere to rest. Lewis said all your clothes are in Thor's closet anyway."
"I can dig into it. Thanks, Tony."
"Not a problem." He walked her back to that apartment, letting her dig in to get clean clothes so she could shower and change. When she came out he was waiting. "Any news on the upcoming battle?"
"Six weeks."
He nodded. "Okay, we'll talk in the morning. You rest. I'll leave a message for Darcy."
"Thanks." She climbed into the extra large bed while he went to leave messages for everyone saying she was back and the battle was in six weeks.
***
Darcy stumbled out the next morning and found the hammer in her way. "Morning, Mew Mew. Is Jane all right?" It wiggled. "That's good. Need anything before I start coffee for others?" It wiggled again. She picked it up to put onto the couch, making it happier. "Good hammer. You rest. I know you were just busy." She went into the kitchen to start coffee for everyone.
Natasha walked out. "Are you making food?"
"Just coffee. I know it's going to be needed." She poured a second cup and walked off. "Jane's back."
"I saw Stark's message." She watched the bouncy young one go then went to start her first cup of coffee. Clint walked in and grunted at her. "Jane's back." He paused in pouring coffee to stare at her. "The message Stark left me said six weeks."
He grunted again and finished pouring his coffee. "Lewis made it," he said after his first gulp. He walked off, patting the hammer on the handle. "Morning, Hammer." It shifted then fell on its side. Clint would swear he could hear a huff from it. "I can't help put you up unless you're willing to let me move you?" He tried, but only budged it. Darcy came out and sighed, picking it up and putting it onto a table with a pillow underneath it. Then she went to make more coffee, pouring herself some. Jane stumbled out and glared at the hammer on her way to the kitchen. "Morning, Jane," Clint quipped with a grin.
"Morning," she grunted. "Better way to wake up than a hammer poking you on the side." She took her second cup of coffee with a moan. "Thanks, Darcy."
"You're welcome." She smiled at Natasha. "I refilled the water pitcher after I put it into the pot."
"Then you're doing better than most of the others," she said. "Only Steve usually remembers that. Sometimes Bucky." She took another sip of her coffee. "How was traveling, Jane?"
She looked up. "Tiring. A lot of tiring. Now I know why Thor had such good arm muscles, he needed it to hold onto the hammer while in flight." She sat down and put her feet up next to her hammer. "Morning, Mjolnir." It wiggled. "Sure, you rest there. I know you're tired. We've hit three realms and two planets in the last week." She held up her cup so Darcy could refill it, then went back to gulping. Darcy waited and poured her a final cup before taking the pot back to the kitchen. Jane relaxed, smiling at Bruce as he stumbled past. "Morning, Bruce." He grunted and waved. Then paused and stared at her. She smiled. "Morning."
"You're back?"
"For a bit." She shrugged. "You'll need me for a bit."
"That's good. We can talk later, when I'm able to better understand verbal communication." He went into the kitchen, staring at Darcy making more coffee. "Out at home?"
"Making it for everyone, Bruce." She handed him a warmed mug and pointed at the hot water that had just gotten put onto the stove. "About another minute before it boils. I already warmed the cup with tap water."
"Thanks." He picked the tea he wanted and put it into the tea ball, then poured water as the kettle just started to boil. He walked off to talk to Jane again. Darcy brought out food and gave him and Jane a pointed look before putting it between them on the table beside the hammer and Jane's feet. Then she walked off.
"Darcy, my notes?" Jane called.
"The safe, and all boxed up, even the stuff from your suite. Your laptop is in Xander's safe." She grinned back at her. "Because almost no one can get in there and most of them wouldn't understand it anyway." She went back to her apartment to check on Xander and his injuries. Of course, they were looking gross. So she got some alcohol and some cotton balls and went to work, which woke him up but he groaned and took over. "I can help." She swatted him until he let her help.
"Sure, you can help." He went to shower once his injuries were retreated and mentally rolled his eyes. His sister was so fussy sometimes. Xander wasn't even that fussy over Dawn. Clearly some things were genetic on the female 'X' chromosome in this family. That's why she got double what he had.
***
Xander wandered out once he was redressed in his birthday present from Darcy - clean, new clothes that fit. He nodded at everyone. "Any new news?" he asked Jane, staring down at her since she was kicked back on the couch.
"Six weeks," she said with a hum at the end.
He grimaced. "That's going to suck. Buffy's got to go to a wedding that week. She's going to be so pissed at her nails getting ruined." Clint burst out laughing. "Seriously. Have we told anyone else who might have to show up?" he asked her. She shook her head. "Okay, I can start that calling chain. Thanks, Jane." He went to the kitchen to get a piece of toast and walked off. "Darcy's out of bread," he said when Pepper gave him an odd look.
"We don't mind if you two eat out of the communal kitchen, Xander. You both do enough heroic stuff to have earned that right." He grinned but went back to Darcy's apartment because he didn't have his phone. She went to look at Tony. "Did you have any luck?" she asked quietly.
"Not a bit." He stared up at her then at the others. "Guys, Lewis is too qualified to be a lab geek's assistant." Bruce sighed but nodded. "And without her degrees, she's got a hope in hell of finding something decent."
"Unless she wants to go work at a private or a religious school," Pepper added, sitting on the arm of Tony's chair. "They don't have to have teaching certificates."
Darcy wandered out. "Arizona's trying to make that state wide and I'd hate to teach," she said dryly. "But thanks." She grinned at Pepper. "Twitter is furious over something Stark has done. Considering the tag is IdiotStark..." He groaned, pulling out his phone to look at it. "I checked, it wasn't the Game of Thrones Starks this time."
Pepper looked at the feed over Tony's arm and groaned, swatting him. "Gossip. Wonderful gossip. Thanks for the warning."
Darcy held up her phone so Clint could see the earlier feed she had screencapped. He took her phone to get onto that link and groaned. "I didn't even look, Hawkass."
"Yeah, probably a good idea. They have me sleeping with my protege." He handed the phone back with a huff. "She's going to destroy them."
"Katie Kate's got a hangover the size of China according to her morning announcement. She said she's not getting out of bed, the city had better save itself, and if the ungrateful douchebag she was drinking to forget existed bothers her again she's going to borrow an explosive arrow to blow what little brainstem he has left out." He arched an eyebrow up so she got into Kate Bishop's facebook page to show him. "Too long for twitter."
He read the hangover rant, then the next entry from the night before, which explained the hangover. He blinked a few times. "I wonder which idiot that was."
Darcy grinned. "Xander said his name was George and we need to find the Abominable to cuddle and squeeze and hold him so tightly he can not get away."
"I don't think even the Abominable Snowman would take that idiot as a pet."
"Apparently he knows something we don't because he sent someone a message to come collect his idiot toy." Clint winced. "Not sure why or who, but amusing probably later when he tries to get free."
"She might really like to watch that," he agreed dryly, smirking at her. "Any other cheery news?"
"Some guy's claiming he got the Hulk serum to work." Bruce choked. "No proof. He's refusing to test it, but he got the formula exact and rebuilt everything so someone could do it to themselves if they really wanted to. He said he knew some people jonesed to be a superhero and this would let them. He thinks he's got a way to mimic the armor too but he said he needs a better power supply."
"Is that the guy in Geneva?" Jane asked.
"Yeah but he moved to Delaware for funding," Darcy said with a grin. "Which he got from Fury's band of merry idiots with test tubes."
"Has someone taken him up on it?" Bruce demanded, sitting up.
"Not that he's admitted to," Darcy said.
"Can you pull that up for us?" Tony asked.
"I need Jane's password to her journal site." Jane took Darcy's phone to get into it and let them see it when she found it was the headline of the day.
"Mother Fucker!" Tony muttered, losing all his happy mood. Bruce was growling. Darcy sat next to Bruce to work on his shoulders. "He stated in his journal article that he figured it out by accident one day working on his grant to figure out the differences in the various super soldier serum floating around," he told them all. "Bruce's, Steve's, and Bucky/Natasha's versions. He tried to have it classified but the people above him refused and told him to offer it to others who might want the procedure done. I'm guessing conscription right after it works. He said they made him test it on three people. Two only had some subtle changes but the other one changed almost all the way. The article is about the genetic twitch that must activate when the serum and radiation is given. That's why it won't work on everyone." He looked at Bruce. "And he's right."
"Damn it," Bruce complained. "Darcy, I'll be fine."
"Okay, just trying to help you keep calm, Bruce." She got up to look at him. "The same guy put out some theories that the slayers had to have some similar genetic pattern because even if they were poked and got the download it might not stick. Xander said he was probably right but no one they trusted and knew had the skill to figure that out."
"They don't have major genetic patterns in common but it could be something tiny," Tony said.
"Like the ATA gene off Stargate?" Darcy guessed.
Tony frowned but nodded. "Basically, yes. I have no idea which one it'd be on. Genetics isn't my field. Brucie?"
"A few places it might be but the ones you were testing didn't have more than human-common genetic patterns. Then again we can't find the genes that would point to a possible ability toward magic or visions."
"So one kind may have ATA, one may have GCG, one may have a combo," Darcy guessed. Bruce nodded. "If you let me know I'll help you type it up, Bruce. That way I can slip Xander a copy in advance so he can warn people. Though it would get the NID off the girls."
He grimaced. "We'd all like the NID to get away from the slayers. Handing them what they wanted to know would work for that. Why tell Xander?"
"Because there's girls in a lot of other countries, some less liberal than this one," she said dryly. "A few that might mean that they quit trying to put them to death. Or they'd go on a newborn testing rampage to make sure no one had the possible markers."
He nodded. "I can see both outcomes. It probably wouldn't help in somewhere like Saudi Arabia though."
"If we can prove to their courts that it's a genetic twitch that allows the calling and that the higher ups are trying to use it to protect their people for their God, then it might go somewhat. At least they'd just shun them instead of trying to kill them."
"It could," he decided, calming down. "I'll look at that later. Does he have anything else to worry about?"
"From what we saw, he was interested in working on birth defects but got lured by the grant money," Jane told everyone. "Which sucks but I know it happens. He's still working on them on the side. I know before he wasn't doing the intern thing, he couldn't afford it."
"As Lewis proves, unpaid interns can be great," Pepper said, smiling at her. "Anyone else that you've seen who was that bad?"
"One person is trying to create a merged serum and is failing miserably. It's presently killing him with some form of weird cancer. He was writing that up a few months back."
"That Indonesian guy," Jane agreed with a nod and a smile for Darcy. "I'm pretty sure I saw he died before we fled to Africa."
"So....." Tony started. "He self-tested?" Jane nodded. Darcy followed along. "Wonderful!"
"Hey," Bruce complained. "Some of us didn't have a choice."
"And then there's people who inject themselves on purpose because they want to bypass using bunnies," Darcy quipped. "Like Morgean. She's really cranked and psychotic thanks to hers." She grinned at Bruce. "She wanted to make a new drug that would be like a female viagra for the women who have no sex drive. It *so* screwed hers up she got chased down a street by a group of guys trying to grab her for how good she smelled to them." He shuddered. "They had to lock her in a cabin somewhere remote with her stuff so she can try to cure herself. They tried to put her into a psych ward for it and the attendants kept having to fight off the urge to rape her. It's a public health hazard."
"So didn't cure her not feeling up to it but it makes others want it more," Tony said dryly. "I heard something about her."
"We probably were talking about it. We feel really sorry about her," Jane said. "Though I can see why she self-tested. She couldn't get a grant to even start first level safety testing. It's not an area people want to pay money to study because it's about female sexuality."
Darcy grinned. "Xander said if one of his ex's didn't leave me alone he was going to mail her some of that." Jane shuddered. "Yeah. Not even the assassins that broke in here those times. A different one. Though one did have that one formula."
"I still want to find a cure to that," Tony said.
"We have one, it's called viagra," Darcy quipped. "There's probably not a chemical method that'll work better than the physical one." Pepper burst out laughing. "Though I did copy it for you and it's in my journal in case I ever need to use it against someone that has me hostage." She grinned. "Because if I have to, I'll mix some and release it on a base."
"How would that help?" Bruce asked, looking a bit confused.
"If they're screwing like Xander did with those assassins, they won't notice I'm gone for days." She smiled at him. "I told Bucky too and he promised the same thing."
Tony chuckled, smiling at her. "I can just see him unleashing that on HYDRA. It'd definitely make it easier to take them down."
"With how bad their gender imbalance is....lube," Darcy said dryly. "You can only be so creative with lube."
"Jesus," Bruce muttered, shaking his head but he was smiling. "Yeah, I can see that."
Darcy grinned at him. "Don't tempt us. They're mean. They sent someone to try to sex up my brother and he just completely blew them out of the water because they weren't dangerous enough for him. Though he did check to see who had a desire for that guy and let the poker circuit hand him to a goddess that they wanted to be peaceful. It was a good peace price and he's very happy by what they've said. She's spoiling and likes his warrior moments, even got him a new trainer to help him learn more, and all he has to do is put up with her in bed."
Bruce stared, mouth open. "Why?" he mumbled.
"Because it kept her from taking out Chicago for annoying her with the traffic stuff."
"Oh, yeah," he decided weakly. "Is the guy trying to get free?"
"Nope. Apparently she makes him happy and likes what he can do. Not sure *how* since she's nine-foot-something. But apparently he really does it for her."
Pepper walked off giggling but blushing.
"I still think he just climbs up there and helps her," Jane said.
"Eww," Clint complained. "I have mental neighborhoods I don't want." Darcy kissed him on the forehead. "Thanks, Darcy."
"You're welcome." She grinned. "Should I even mention the Avengers sex toys that just came out to make you happy?"
"That won't make me happy. Who authorized that?" he demanded.
"Someone in SHIELD. They had measurements. Accurate measurements. Bragged that they got it from your medical files. Even got things like scars and birthmarks according to it." She let Tony have her phone when he couldn't find it on his. "Second tab in my browser." He got into it and whined, tossing it at Bruce, who blushed but let Clint see it. "And not just you guys. Natasha has hers too." Clint looked then sent Natasha a message from that phone with that address. Up the hall in the apartments they heard swearing in Russian but it was a male voice.
Natasha strolled out. "Who started that?" she asked Darcy.
"Don't know," she said with a shrug and a smile. "But the site said that they got exact measurements and pictures from medical files. It even includes scars and birthmarks."
"Yes it did," Tony agreed dryly. "Including my circumcision scar."
Natasha took the phone to look at that site, groaning when she ran into the owners behind it. "They were former agents who were not in medical. They were in Records."
"I'm going to end that," Clint said, making himself relax again. "Any other happy news, Darcy?" he asked with a grin.
She leaned down to kiss him on the forehead again. "Xander said your ex-wife is in Columbia and wanted to know if you wanted to have her rescued. He wasn't sure what sort of ex situation it was but otherwise she's going to be a concubine soon. SHIELD won't help her because she's been disavowed." He arched an eyebrow up. "You'd have to ask him."
"I can go do that. Is he on your couch?"
"Yup. Whining manly-like about his booboos that're trying to infect." He went to talk to her brother with Natasha. She shrugged at Tony then grinned at Jane. "See all that you missed while Thoring around?"
"Apparently a lot of fun stuff." She grinned. "Make more coffee?"
"Sure, Jane." She went to make more coffee and hot water for Bruce's tea, bringing the kettle out with the tea basket for him then going to get the coffee tray for the others. Bucky came out scowling so she pinched him on the cheek. "Be a good boy, Bucky. Before I have to pout about my brother turning into a normal guy sort and whine at you about it. Not like I have a girlfriend to complain about guy things with anymore."
"Not like I'm a girl," he complained.
She grinned. "You can do as good of a job as Xander does at it if you want."
"Not really. I'm happy with dames being confusing, doll." She grinned as she strolled off. He watched then sighed, going to the gym to get away from Natasha being angry.
"Lewis, can you go cure that bouncy mood with a vibrator that's not one of ours?" Tony asked her.
"Of course I can. I've already shot back when a few bloggers asked me if I could compare them to the real ones for verification." She grinned. "One tried to send me a set but I turned them down for you. I suggested she ask Pepper so she could handle it for you, Tony." She smirked at him. "She's probably got an email waiting on her." She bounced off. "Hey, bro, Tony suggested you set me up with a male sex toy sort."
"I know a few but I doubt they'd want to come into the tower to collect you," he quipped back. "But if you're up to a date tonight, sure."
"Hey, if he buys dinner...I may be up for that as long as he has some level of standards."
"I know a few who could fit those." He looked at his phone, sending two text messages to see where they were. One complained. The other one said he was down the east coast from him. So he told that one his sister was looking for an uncomplicated sex and dinner date but they had to pay because she was between jobs. And he added that she had horrified all the avengers members with their new line of sex toys she had found online. That friend laughed and said they were nice but he was still better. He would gladly take her out the next night when he was more local. "No food allergies, right, sis?"
"Nope."
He sent that and that he'd make him a reservation somewhere nice enough to be a decent dinner. The guy agreed and named a place he liked. Xander looked it up and nodded then agreed and made him a dinner date. He looked at her. "Wear a pretty dress and hose. That restaurant does require at least thigh highs and a skirt."
"I can definitely do that. Tonight?"
"Tomorrow. He's somewhere down the coast."
"Cool. Thanks, Bro. Let me go do some laundry so I have pretty lingerie."
He grinned at Natasha since she was staring at him. "He's got a dick like the Hulk and he's damn good at using it," he told her. She walked off shivering. Clint walked off shaking his head quickly. Xander relaxed again until the nurses came up to check his injuries and dragged him down there to clean them on him. "I cleaned them before my shower," he protested.
"That's nice, dear."
He sighed but she was an older lady and he didn't hit older ladies unless they were evil. She was a nurse so not that level of evil to her patients probably.
Maybe some day his sister would turn into that sort of evil instead of the one she was going toward. It might make her happy. Or at least give her something to do that might pay well. Because being an evil overlord didn't pay great for the first few years and Darcy, like all women, needed shopping trips. So yeah, he'd encourage that career choice instead of her following him into his new evil group. Before she took over on him. She was half a Harris, she could probably do it even better than he did.
The End.
A Harris and a Half.