Evil Is As Evil Does.
The Xander known as Lavelle, the infamous gunman/thief/martial arts semi-master/weird guy to most everyone who knew him, walked into the house toweling off his wet hair. "I hate it when people overestimate the value of their shit," he complained as he passed his lover Lupin the Third. "And then they decided to send half a military unit toward me. But I did figure out how to cut bullets finally," he quipped as he headed upstairs to get into something that wasn't damp.
"What did you do?" Lupin called after him. "And do I need to warn people not to go near them?"
"Some guy decided he had the greatest treasure ever," Xander called back.
Lupin winced as he heard a door slam upstairs. He followed with a sigh, going to check his lover over to make sure he wasn't too injured this time. Xander had a bad habit of trying to hide injuries. "People put worth on weird things because they think it's important to them," he said from the doorway. Not too many injuries, just a few bruises and a small graze on his side. "What was it?"
Xander looked at him. "A directory that lists all the versions of you across all the realms. Basically, what we do when we have a Xander convention only for other people." He grinned. "It's not only dangerous, because you can pull their realm onto yours if you do the wrong thing, but it was stupid." He pulled on a shirt. "I'm fine."
"I'm sure you are. Did you send it to a fence?"
"No, I broke into the Tower to put it into the safety vault with a note on top of it. While in there I stole the picture of the girls trying on tiaras when they were about ten." He turned around to check his hair and ended up pulling it back into a low ponytail. "I was hoping it was something worthwhile when I was asked to get it out of human hands."
Lupin winced, then sighed. "That sounds dangerous but freaky."
Xander grinned back at him. "Dangerous but freaky works for me usually."
"Too true," he agreed sarcastically. "Any hidden injuries?"
"Nope. I didn't even end up in a walking pile of blood."
"Good! That's dangerous. Who knows what you'd catch doing that again." He walked in to pat him on the back. "Did you get anything else out of the heist?"
"Three new bottles of wine that I'm going to start ordering for us?" Xander offered with a grin. "Arsene's school records because the guy had it in the same safe. Apparently he was interested in hiring her for something menial."
"She'll be thrilled," Lupin said sarcastically, making a face. "My daughter doesn't do menial very well." He walked off. "Let me know anything else you're going after. We could all use a bit of a thrill."
"That guy was the mistress to the head of the ICPO," Xander quipped at his back. Lupin backed up to stare at him. Xander grinned and nodded. "We're still off the lists. We're considered impossible unless we run into cops incidentally on a job."
"That sucks," Lupin sighed, walking off pouting. He took the folder when Xander brought it down the stairs, reading it over. "Someone doctored that."
"Yup. The former wife of Goemon had someone do that. I did leave a note saying that her file was wrong. Didn't sign it but I did note that her real file from the Assassin's academy was thicker and more interesting, plus had a better grade report." He grinned at the staring kid. "Someone had a doctored version of your sister's academy records," he told Fred, the real mini Lupin. "They wanted her to do something menial."
"Sissy would hate that," Fred quipped with a huge grin. "Did you bring us presents?"
"Not a chance. I only broke into the two places. One was to leave the dangerous thing somewhere safer."
"Shoot! I wanted something pretty to study. I need to do a report for class."
Xander walked over and opened a doorway then pointed inside the closet. "Pick an artifact and get to researching, Fred. Get one for Kenji too, they're small." He walked off again, heading for the kitchen.
"There won't be anything left for us to steal," Fred complained. "Mom did all the stuff you haven't. Sissy's team did the Tower of London." He pouted at his dad. "What's left for me to steal?"
"There's plenty of artwork out there," Lupin said, patting him on the head with a grin. "When you're old enough we'll find you a nice target, kiddo." He walked off.
Fred pouted but did find something he could do the report on without too much research work. Kenji came in to get his own with Yu following behind him. They all had reports due on their educational system.
"If the paper's not a real paper, I'm assigning two *long* research papers," Xander called from the kitchen. "On things that still haven't been stolen yet. That's how you find out what you're going for, boys."
"Shit," Kenji muttered in Japanese.
"I speak that one too," Xander called. "No swearing at your age before I tell your father."
"Mom, what's that Jewel of the Nile thingy that was on tv?" Yu called.
"A movie, and a pretty good movie too," he said as he came out with his cup of coffee. He stared at them and took Kenji's artifact to put back, handing him another one. "That's royal jewelry. We have to send it back sometime soon." He looked at Yu. "I think the movie's rated low enough for you guys to watch it. It does have some smooshy feelings in it but it's a pretty decent action movie with a woman who isn't totally a weak princess sort."
"Huh." He went to look it up on their satellite system. Maybe it'd kill time so he could forget his report.
"You have two days to write a four page paper with research," Xander called after him. "If you flunk that class, you have to retake it with all new assignments and you have to tell your father you got held back in school."
"Dad will freak out and yell," Yu muttered in Japanese as he went to look up what his artifact was. The other two went with him. Their fathers could scream like the naked girls on those movies they weren't supposed to watch. Xander reinstalled the kid filter on the family tvs that the younger kids could get to before going to the family library. He really had to weed out that artifact closet and send some of it places so the kids could steal them later.
Lupin the Fourth was really bored and that was nearly a tragedy in the making when she started to tinker or nag her gang to help her do something stupid. Last time Melissa had to show her why she didn't want to go naked skydiving so they could land on a lake that led to a castle that had a great art collection to steal from. Even Lupin the Third had groaned over that plan. Then he had reminded his spawn that she had Melissa so she didn't have to make plans for anything.
Jigen leaned into the office he was looking something up in. "Why are you cleaning out the closet?"
"So we can send it back to give the younger kids things to steal." He grinned. "It'll be harder on them than it was on us. They could use a challenge."
Jigen nodded. "Yeah, they could. Any other good news?"
"The supposed best treasure ever was actually a directory of all your selves in all the realms. I left it in a sealed room in the Tower so it's safely away from being used. Before we have another realm merge."
"New dragons?" Jigen asked, sounding pained.
"Nope." Xander grinned at him. "They could pull their other selves' realm onto this one. We'd merge."
"Hell no! I might have one where I'm a priest or something." He walked off shuddering. He'd have to take other hims out if they were that boring and nice. "Can we have roast tonight?" he called as he walked off.
"I'm not the cook," Xander called back. "If you want a roast, go talk to her. Not me."
"Thanks." Jigen went to talk to the cook they had on staff. She was happy to make a roast and leave the turkey she was brining for the next day.
Xander shook his head. Sometimes he wondered why he loved his lovers. They were kinda straight and uptight.
The convention of Xanders called together a research panel. Certain things were going to make life...interesting if they were released into the general public. Lavelle was there but he was getting that urge to go do something nasty to someone for fun. The others ignored his idea to test things but that was fine, he could do it on his own. He had his own researchers who could mimic and make things that he wanted to see people play with.
His research notes went to them, letting him avoid running into his daughter and her boyfriend the former inspector who had been chasing after the family for years. His research team was apparently bored because they appeared within minutes of him calling them. They all settled in the sports bar he partially owned, in a back room so they could talk and eat and look at the notes for the six ideas. The teams were amused but slightly horrified at the shot that would warp people's bodily functions. Though two of the three head researchers agreed on a test subject that had been a former teacher. Apparently the guy had driven a lot of people out of the sciences all together by being his charming usual self so he deserved some retribution.
One of the minor minions suggested they could use it to open other skills instead of that weird one. Based on stories on the internet, there were a lot of other suggested abilities that could be opened up. The one about heightened senses. The ones about higher level magic, or weird magic could be opened with a different set of twitches to the formula. Lavelle just smiled like the slightly evil genius he was and let them work on it for him. He could get amusement for years from this stuff. And travel places where no one knew him, which meant he could get into even more trouble.
Of course his plans were delayed by his team wanting to get into some mischief and trying to steal something that Goemon's family had been insulted by, but that was about usual. The new officers that were to be chasing after them didn't have the same level of flair and skills that the old teams had, but they did have someone who could at least shoot this time. As proven by Lupin's arm getting a new hole in it and Xander's side getting a few more scars when he had avenged said new hole. Goemon was not impressed by any of that at all and scowled the whole way back to their ship so they could go hang out in international waters.
The ICPO even got a tiny bit smartassed about it and tried to land a helicopter on the ship in the middle of the night. Which meant that Xander was outside in just boxer briefs with a bazooka in one hand and a beer in the other. He stared up at the helicopter then smiled and saluted them with the beer before pulling open the bazooka's case to fire on them. They decided they weren't that brave and left quickly before he really killed them. Xander went back inside to get back to babying Lupin's injuries for him since he was whining like a toddler. Again.
"Why can't I do the stylish stuff?" Lupin the Fourth complained the next day to her team. "I never get to do the fashionable stuff."
"Because you're every bit like your father and he's a dork," Xander said as he walked around their table in the dining hall. "He only has three jackets and you followed his fashion tips into the life of crime. But it does make you identifiable." He grinned at her. "Plus, not built like a model, dear. Lotus is more the ideal shape than you are. Melissa's too skinny, usually, like her own dad is." His daughter rolled her eyes but went back to her morning coffee addiction. He looked at Arsene again. "Suck it up and accept your body as it is, dear. Be body positive, even about all the little imperfections you think you have."
"I usually do but they call Melissa glamorous and they just call me by name." She pouted.
"Yeah, but she can rock a gown and you can't," Ishi quipped, giving her a pointed look. "Somehow you still manage to look like a teenager at their proms in one."
Xander stared at him. "Did you go see a prom somehow? I know the Assassins Academy didn't have one, kiddo."
"Well, yes. One of the girls had to go back to her former school for her sister's so we followed to annoy her father for her, as asked." He grinned. "Her father really doted on the other sister so pulled his better daughter out of her specialized academy to come help her sister with her prom. So we got to see all of it."
"The girl wasn't bad but had almost no ambition beyond a minor degree and a husband," Melissa said. "Though she did not hit on Ishi."
"She kept staring at the scarring," he quipped back with an evil smirk. "Hey, Mom, how much does being an evil overlord make you?"
"Not as much as you'd think. Surprisingly enough, a lot of my profits go back into the empire for improvements right now," he snarked as he went into the kitchen to get his own breakfast. The staff was still hiding in case the ICPO came back but he could cook. He was better at than a lot of people thought. When he came out with his food, he sat with the kids. "Anything going on right now with your group?"
"I'm discouraging Yu to go into the field," Ishi said. "If only because he said we're having quack for dinner instead of duck. He's too damn young."
Xander grinned at him. "Nice!"
"Thanks." He smirked back. "He can follow Dad into his life of traditional loincloths and sword work without all this."
"I had to remind that same brother that being shot at wasn't a happy time," Lotus agreed. "Both boys just said it was the price you paid for being a crook. So I let them go talk to Daddy Lupin so they could get some truths hammered in."
"If they decide to go straighter, we'll do what we did with certain sisters that went straight. The same as I would if Melissa decided she wanted to go straighter."
"Gee, thanks, Mom, but Ray's not that pushy on that topic right now. Though his mom is nagging for grandchildren again."
Xander grimaced. "I'd hate that for you. Traveling with kids is hard and weird. Traveling with you four and the other two was nearly torture at times. Trying to keep you four out of things and your sisters amused drove us nuts."
"Ray told her that." She grinned at her parent. "And about that time in Greece where Arsene got captured to be the sacrifice for a huge, ancient snake thing." Arsene shuddered, shaking her head. "His mom decided we could have another five years until I was more settled."
"The younger trio of boys was pouty that there wasn't anything pretty left to steal the other day," Xander told them. "So you guys can flirt your way into giving some back if you want to travel that way." He ate a bite of his eggs.
The quad of young people looked at each other then shook their heads together. "Not our job," they agreed.
Xander smirked. "I could use the empire's help to do that. That would make it harder on the trio of boys when they tried to steal it again."
"Dad would probably go behind you to steal some of it back to show them how to do it," Arsene quipped, smirking at her father when he walked in looking less than awake. His hair was sticking up everywhere, his tie was crooked, and his belt wasn't hitched. "Nice look, paternal unit."
"Shut up," he mumbled. "It's too damn early." He tossed his daughter's ferret at her head. "Your heir woke me up by biting me." He glared at the coffee pot when it was empty, but Xander got up to put in a new pod so he could make some cup of life. Lupin the Third grunted at him and Lupin the Fourth was busy petting her baby ferret, Lupin the Fifth. So it fell to Xander, as many things had over the years. He flopped down in Xander's seat but Xander took his plate back before moving to a new seat. "We look like we're figuring out our next jobs." He sipped his coffee. He stared in the cup then at Xander. "Hazelnut?"
He shrugged. "You grunted and pointed at the pod so your choice apparently," Xander quipped with a smirk.
Lupin grunted but drank it anyway.
"We're talking about how the trio of boys are pouting that there's nothing fun to steal anymore," Lotus told him. "We might have to give back some of our lesser treasures for them to have something new to steal."
"Unless we make the boys steal from us and hand it back," Ishi offered then grinned at his sister. "They'd probably put things in the wrong museum. Like how they can't figure out how put socks together in matching sets when they fold laundry."
"That would drive a museum nuts, to come in and find an extra exhibit," Lupin the Third said, staring at his lover. "But that's not really the family method."
"We do have a safe full of things that aren't really worthy," Xander said with an evil little grin. "It'd give the boys something to do. Get their names out there. It'd prove they could break and enter successfully if they were putting things into a museum. Plus confuse so many people."
"Including us," Lupin the Third and Fourth said together. They stared at each other then sighed and shook their heads.
"Maybe that can be the assignment for the senior project at the academy," Melissa said. "To put something back and prove it. We had to take something and prove it. The boys get to go next year so their senior project is in three or four years." The other young ones nodded.
"They could use the same year you did," Lupin the Fourth agreed.
"They could use more standardized education," Xander said, staring at him. "The trio of boys slack way too hard on their studies. That way they'd get the actual education too so we don't have dumbass kids instead of just asshole kids."
"Gee, thanks," Arsene the Fourth quipped.
"You are an ass," Melissa reminded her. "And a bitch."
"Thanks to you as well," she said with a grin for her cohort. "Love you too, Lis."
They all looked up at the sound of a helicopter but it flew over and kept going. "Next time, invite more of us to bring a rocket launcher, Mom," Ishi told Xander. "We can help."
"I know but I was busy and they didn't need to land, or have permission to land." He grinned. "They flew off pretty fast too." He ate some of his breakfast.
"Huh?" Lupin the Third asked. "Did I miss something?"
"Yup," everyone at the table said.
"I'll find out later." He sipped his coffee and stared at his daughter, who was letting her ferret wiggle around in her lap for the moment. "We should talk about boy things, daughter."
"Dad, Mom already had that talk with me," she shot back, giving him a dirty look. "Nor am I going to be like Lizabetta and give it all up for a guy. Our distant cousin is a moron with bad taste in dicks she wants to covet."
"Good," he said, staring at her. "Do you have anyone you crush on that way?"
"Nope. I'm happy playing the field. You might ask Fred. I think he's coveting a specific set of boobs to snuggle up to."
"He's got a few years before he's allowed," Xander said. "I set down the same laws you guys had about underage sex and put out a notice that any working girls were not to do anything with the boys until they were fifteen. A whole lot of madams flashed back to your father renting his retinue of hookers to nuzzle." She gave Lupin a dirty look. "He's too young for hookers. He's only twelve."
"He's been doing that since he was nine," Ishi complained.
"Yes, and we knew then that they wouldn't touch him due to his age," Xander said. "All they'd do is cuddle him. Which he enjoyed because it got him into their boobs. He only seems to see women as boobs for some reason," he said with a pointed look at the baby daddy, who had drooled over many nice sets of breasts in his life.
"Shit, a few of those I nearly drooled on," Lupin the Fourth complained quietly. "And I didn't know I liked breasts. It's gotta be an inherited condition." Her father scowled at her. "I did! Thankfully I grew up and got my own to play with."
"You still try to suck in your sleep sometimes," Ishi complained. "Got me good last month in the car while we were traveling to Istanbul to pay our respects to the new head of the guild that way."
"Well, you do have very nice pecs," she smirked at him. "Almost as nice as Lotus' breasts."
Both Goemon kids glared at her. "Yeah, keep it up. I'll start swatting if you try it again," Lotus told her. "Or get Dad to."
"Don't have sex in your team. It screws up a lot of things," Lupin the Third told them.
"And happens a lot less frequently than you think it will," Xander quipped. "Which is always super annoying because when you want it, no one else does." He ate another bite of breakfast at the glare he got. He stared back while he chewed.
Lupin huffed. "Well, maybe if Daddy got off his skinny ass and treated you like a husband instead of a convenient port in a storm, maybe he'd be less bored and more happy."
"Hey!" Lupin the Third complained. "Not your business."
"Yes it is," Melissa said. "Dad's awfully bored lately. Who knows what'll happen this time." Xander hugged his daughter. "Dad! Messing up my hair," she complained, straightening it out. "Just don't give us siblings?"
"Hell no! That well is closed," he said firmly but smiled at her. "I'm awaiting grandkids. Just like Goemon is."
Lotus shook her head. "Won't be this year. Homer and I agreed we're not having kids this year or next. Probably not for at least five years after we marry."
Her brother looked at her. "Homer's going to be the sort of father to sit with his kid on his lap while he meditates. We'll have to teach your future spawns to have more fun than his father has."
She looked at him oddly. "I think I can teach my own child that before I have an heir to Lupin instead of our father."
Lupin the Fourth grinned and waved her coffee cup around. "If you want to give us an heir, maybe it'll someday threaten to kill the single kid I'll push out some year. Because I'm only having the one and they'll be raised in an undisclosed location for their own safety."
"Which means you'll have twins," Melissa taunted. "That you'll have to take on the run with us."
"Better than heaving all of us like a traveling group," she shot back with a grimace. "It's mean to wish twins on me. Bordering on evil. Even Granddad Lupin said that was evil." She looked at her team. "We could do some of the giving back. Our notes to announce our heists can turn into 'Dad thought this was worthy of being stolen, we have different tastes' announcements to confuse them."
Melissa leaned back to consider it. "Can we start with that hideous vase that Goemon brought into the house last year?"
"It's got a succuba inside," Xander said. "So you have to ward it first."
"Though, wasn't that something one of his ancestors blessed or trapped the succuba in?" Xander asked, looking confused. Melissa looked it up and nodded. "Well, ask him first so he doesn't get pouty, kids." They all nodded they could do that. "Assign some homework to the younger trio of boys too. That way they learn how to research a target the right way. I made them do artifact reports on the stuff in the ugly closet."
They all nodded they could do that, and clean out the closet full of ugly things that way. It was a duty to good taste to not let some of those things get found ever again.
"What did you steal last time?" Melissa asked her father, turning to look at him better.
"Someone had the supposed greatest treasure ever. It was a directory of all your various selves across the dimensions. Which could create a lot of problems when you pull that you here and then stick all the dimensions between with us." He grinned. "I put it somewhere very safe. Ray ask?"
"Yup." She sent him that text message since he had asked that morning. He sent back a groan. "He said thank you for that public service. The people in London were a bit freaked out when someone from your former group showed up to try to snatch it to burn it. He said it's in a safe under the Thames river." She looked up. "His next message said that was not an invitation to look at it again."
"Why would I need to? We various Xanders have a convention," he said with a smug grin. "We have a coven among ourselves, a research group recently, and the book nerds too."
She sent that back and he sent back a groan. "I think you gave him a headache, Mom." She responded then put her phone back. "He's going to drink lunch."
Ishi looked at his watch. "It is lunch in Paris." He shrugged and dug into breakfast again. Melissa reached around Lotus to swat him. He grinned at her. "We all know he's slaving away in the empire."
"True, he is," she agreed with a grin. "But he's got an easy day. Though, Mom, the researchers have been freaking him out?" She looked at Xander.
"Yeah, something the research council of Xanders found. I let our people look at it so I could maybe test some stuff to see if it's useful." He smirked evilly. "I know just the people to introduce it to as a test subject."
"No," Lupin the Third said firmly but quietly. "We're not evil bitches, Xander."
"No, this would totally be on my own," he quipped. "I could make a lot of people *very* happy with it."
"Still. No." He gave him a pointed look. "It'd look bad on the rest of us."
Xander shrugged. "We'll see. They wanted to test it on a former teacher that used to run people out of the scientific fields."
"No," he said more slowly and clearly, staring Xander down. "Nooooo."
"I can do it in ways that no one will realize was me."
"I doubt that."
"I can travel and do it on another Xander's realm." He grinned. "They have some pretty neat realms to go visit." Lupin the Third and Fourth, and Fifth, all groaned at that idea. "There's one where I'm a warlord's son and their world is set up about middle ages tech wise. They even have a naming curse so the first born is always a prince, even if it's a girl, and the second is always a princess. The me there was born in the princess position to a warlord idiot who diddled with demons for fun and profit. He had to take them out and take over to make his people safe again. He's got a really fussy, uptight consort that even Goemon would tell to relax sometimes."
Melissa shivered, hugging herself. "Oh, god, the evil is coming." She and Lotus had to leave before they got caught in it. Ishi made sure Lupin got evacuated with her ferret.
Xander grinned at his lover. "Someone figured out a way to turn on GHS hormones. That could help them some since they have a poison that does a lot of the same thing. The me there got dosed with it."
Lupin the Third finished his coffee and his daughter's leftover coffee. He straightened out his hair. It was time to be in charge again apparently. "First, that's really evil, Xander."
He grinned. "I know but it could be helpful. They even have evil alchemists who have an academy."
Lupin leaned on the table, staring at him. "And what would happen if you introduced whatever GHS was to that realm?"
"Remember when I got displaced but replaced by the flirty, hormoned me?" Lupin moaned and shifted in his seat but nodded. "That's GHS." He smirked evilly. "They have a poison that does a lot of the same things, including making you have sex to wear it out of your system."
"Still. Evil," he assured him patiently.
"I could introduce it in the people that Goemon would call uptight."
"I doubt he'd like that."
"The me there's consort would adore it. It'd amuse him for years. They're the uptight Buddhist people's style of life. And there's another kingdom that was based on former supposed angels being in charge."
"No. And if you go there to play it might hurt that Xander."
"He's a lot younger than I am, Arsene, and we don't really look alike anymore." He gave him a pointed look. "Plus no one could confuse me with a warlord he was raised to be. I'm not a king."
"Still. You could be damaging to that Xander's world and reputation."
"They have engineers that just discovered grenades."
Lupin shuddered. "That's worse than going back to visit Goemon's ancestors." He stared at his lover, picking up Lotus' former cup of coffee then Ishi's when he drained that one. "That would be evil. You're a bad guy but not that bad, Xander. We'd have to take you out for that." He got up and walked off. He took Melissa's phone from her pocket so he could call in reinforcements.
"Somehow Xander has gotten hold of a chemical shot that would turn on a hormone condition that would make you seem like candy to everyone so you kept getting kidnaped," he said in greeting. "The whole idea is really horrifying and Xander's going evil. Fully evil. He wanted to go to another version of him's realm to gift some of their bad guys with it. He said that one's the son of a warlord and a former princess, apparently they have a name curse, and they're about at the level where they've just rediscovered grenades.
"Yeah, Vecchio, I'm calling you to help me stop him! Before he goes fully evil Xander. He's about there right now." He listened to the suggestion. "Didn't work last night," he said dryly. "Probably won't work if we both tried to distract him today since he said his researchers have it to test." He listened to the complaining as that one got up to go talk to those researchers. "Please do so we can stop him. Before we have to do something mean to the poor guy so he has time to get his mind fixed." He hung up and tossed the phone back at Melissa. "Distract him? Please?"
"Hey, go on your back, Dad," Lupin the Fourth shot back. "You're more a distraction than we are. Think of it being heroic." Lupin nodded as he walked off to go arrange for a good day of pouncing the Xander. She looked at her cohorts, who all shook their heads. They wanted far, far away from that mess.
Xander was giggling while he finished his breakfast. He really did have to find a way to get these urges out. And hey, a few of him were anchors for chaos gods, as he himself was for Janus, so maybe they'd like the rush of naughtiness. If not, maybe some love god would get a happy moment from the pouncing they were planning to straighten him out again. That one GHS Xander's gods had been pretty cool when he had met them.
Lupin and Jigen walked in together, picking Xander up by his arms and carrying him off so they could contain his problems together. It'd take both of them. This was going to be even more dirty than the retirement island Xander had set up for them.
"I've got to call Ray and Ray anyway," Xander quipped. "One Xander's realm had someone doing magic to bring dragons to their world. The others have worked out how to handle it with certain new types of artillery. That way they can pass it on to others who might need it. Xander Weasley said that they already had dragons so they shared how to handle them and other magical creatures that suddenly showed up in Hawaii." He grinned at them. "Remember that action movie we watched with the kids last month? His Willow pulled them from their universe to deage them because she decided she'd never have kids that would understand her without it. So he's raising mini commandos."
Lupin huffed. "We've had plenty of kids. If that one comes here, we'll help him find some nice babysitters."
"He's got dragons now. His little Jensen really loves some of them. When they did the spell on the east coast of the US, New York City had a lot of unicorns to pet suddenly."
"Uh-huh," Jigen said, kicking the suite's door closed behind them. "Let's detox all this current issue of whatever you got infected with and then we'll talk about the other yous and if you can go back to any conventions of yous again."
"I really like the other mes. There's four GHS mes now."
"That's almost horrifying with the one that visited."
"The others are a bit stronger," Xander quipped with a smirk for him. "That one's been in space too." Jigen moaned and tossed his hat into a chair so they could get to work diverting Xander's mind. And Lupin's mind because otherwise he'd have *ideas* that would horrifying a lot of people. He could just see Lupin the Third riding a dragon during a heist. He didn't want to mentally see it but he could definitely see it.
Arsene Lupin the Fourth leaned into their suite with a smirk. "The statue of Janus just said he's not that sort of chaos god, Xander. He can't handle it if something like that happens and the gods on those other planes are already suffering without enough filters between you and chaos magic. Especially the one where you're twin CSI's or twin ballistic designers." She walked off shivering. That was a horrifying thought, twin Xanders.
"How did they become twins?" Lupin demanded, staring at Xander.
"Toth's hammer." He grinned. "A Sunnydale thing that was weird but solved eventually. Willow got us back together. Apparently not there."
"Fuck," Jigen moaned, shaking his head. "No, we can't handle twins of you. Thanks anyway, Xander." He kissed him to shut him up and divert his mind. Lupin was making moaning noises. "I doubt they'd both be yours," he shot back, making Lupin shake all over and then his head quickly.
"No, I couldn't handle having two Lavelles around. Thanks anyway!" He dove in to drive himself nuts in a better way with Xander's body. He was good at it.
Jigen added himself to their playing. Before he got stuck in the same bad idea land that those two had gotten lost in.
Melissa Jigen, Xander's eldest daughter, found her way onto the Xander convention realm, running into a version of her mother that wasn't Lavelle by any means. That one was reading a book in Latin for some reason. She sighed and sat down, staring at him. "We're having to distract Mom from any ideas you've given him."
He smirked at her over the top of the book. "We're all Xanders, dear. We all have naughty ideas."
"Yeah but this one was horrifying. He was bouncy and happy with the chaos causing problems."
"We call that being high on Xander energy." He grinned. "It's a great feeling after a convention full of people who understand us. Even the slightly evil Xander and Sam get hit by an excess of Xander energy sometimes. They just get rid of theirs with wing foreplay."
"Wing...I don't want to know." She shook her head. "He had plans to bring some of the chaos causing things onto our realm. Or going to a few more uptight ones to add some there."
"Most of us take that information to keep it from happening but your father is a bad guy Xander. That figures to be something slightly evil."
"We'd like Mom to be more normal again. He was almost ready to explode from the evil."
"That's just Xander energy." He grinned again. "It'll be fine. Your dads weren't wearing it out of him fast enough so it built up. That and some places could use some minor emergencies to get onto a better path for humanity. Maybe a few dragons being added would help that."
"Maybe but I doubt some of them really need it. He told them about one where he's a princess."
"Oh, Princess Xander," he said with a nod then smirked at his book before putting it aside. "His world's a bit pushed back to the Middle Ages somewhat but has a lot of familiar people in there. And I'm pretty sure it wasn't going to be that way but someone cast a wish to make it that way. Now, Writer Xander, he's fascinated by their structure because he writes fantasy novels. That's his area of life in living detail." He grinned as he leaned forward to pat her on the cheek. "It could be much worse, dear."
"He was talking about taking that GHS shot there."
"They might not like that a whole lot. They have a poison that makes you have to wear it out or die. Adding GHS to that would cause other problems. Though they do have succuba."
She slumped further, staring at him. "That would screw up a lot of things. Especially since he said there's a Buddhist living group."
"Yeah, that Xander's mate is from one of them." He grinned brightly. "I wonder how they'd handle that."
Sividia Xander showed up with a huff, putting his wings around his chest. "Our demons are getting seriously weirded out by me again." He pouted at Booknerd Xander. "Dumass, can I have you show up to freak the out in other ways?"
"Sure. Or you can ask Lavelle. Apparently he's too high on Xander energy and is plotting how to use that GHS shot."
Melissa stared at this other Xander. "What are you?" she asked politely. "You feel...kinda slinky evil to me."
He grinned at her. "I'm Sividia, Melissa. My Willow decided I needed to be changed to this so I could fight something that wasn't really going to be a problem. Thankfully I found my slightly evil Sam. Wing foreplay is the shit."
"I'll not be telling Arsene that. She'll want to try it." He hugged her. "Mom's seriously freaking people out."
"Awwwwww." The two Xanders shared a grin.
"Our statue to Janus complained he can't handle that level of chaos and he's not that sort of chaos god. Can you help us calm Mom down? Please?"
"Sure. We can do that, sweetie," Xander Dumass agreed. "Don't worry about it. We'll go grab him later." She nodded, giving them both a hug before going home.
Lotus and Ishi both felt her coming and stepped away from her. "What did you touch?" Lotus demanded. "You feel evil!"
"Sorry," came from the portal. "I didn't mean to infect her with it." He leaned out with a grin and a wink for Lotus. "Taint can be worn out, dear. Don't worry about it." He pulled back, after winking at the squeaky sounding girl on the couch.
"Wings!" Arsene said with a point and a whimper. "Mom with wings!"
"Sividia are generals of hell's armies," Lotus said, looking at her brother. Who just nodded. "Let's get Melissa untainted. Before she draws something here." They walked her off to bless her in the shower. Before the Kitsune thought they were consorting with weird demons somehow. It'd ruin Xander's friendship with the Lord of the Kitsune and endanger their sister Sarah's job as their ambassador if they got the wrong idea.
Melissa looked back at the whining Arsene. "I thought she'd want to try the wing spell since that one said that wing foreplay is the shit." Arsene moaned and got off from that. Melissa shook her head. The two samurai in training were blessing her with holy water so hopefully the bad ideas would go away soon.
Lotus decided to call in help from their Uncle Marcus. He was another devotee of Janus and their fellow thief. Plus he had been their nanny at one point in time. He could fight evil better than they could. Marcus showed up and sniffed then came in to work on weeding out the taint.
Ishi looked at him. "Melissa went to the Xander convention realm to talk to them about Mom's problems with ideas. We just met a Sividia of Mom."
Marcus gave him an odd look. Then he looked at Melissa. "Sividia?" he demanded.
"Gray fluffy wings," Melissa said, making Arsene moan again. "Apparently they can have wing foreplay. He said Willow changed him."
Marcus raised an eyebrow then sighed and got a different blessing to start. "It's obviously taint, dear."
"I got a hug. He's nicely built, like Mom was without being so thin."
Marcus just nodded and went back to the new blessing. "I'm sure your mother would make a wonderful general for hell's armies. He does for Lupin's army."
Ishi walked off shivering. He now had thoughts that probably weren't appropriate. Lotus went to curl up and make notes in her special journal about spells and magic. Just in case it ever came up again. "Some witches have no sense," she told herself as she made notes.
Lupin looked up as Marcus walked into their room and leaned down to hiss in Jigen's ear. "Can I know?" he asked dryly.
"We've detainted Melissa since she talked to the Xander that was turned into a Sividia. She had gotten a hug but that high level of a demon would leave taint on anything or anyone it touched. Even if it was changed that way due to Rosenburg." He smirked a tiny bit. "Arsene is presently muttering about evil wings." He sighed a tiny bit. "Lotus made a lot of notes for future generations in case they run into him or some other poor sod turned into a higher level demon by a witch." He grinned and left them to their calming down Xander time.
The two senior thieves shared a look then Lupin poked Xander on the side. "What's a Sividia demon?"
Xander blinked at him. "My other self's here?"
"Melissa talked to him then she had to get detainted," Jigen said.
"Lots and lots of holy water then," Xander quipped. "A sividia is one of the generals of hell's armies." He summoned a book up and opened it, letting them see. "They have feathery wings and that me said that wing foreplay is the shit." He grinned at them. "His slightly evil Sam is very good to keep dealing with his feathers for him after they spar or he goes for a fly. He's still got some troubles landing in brisk winds but he's much better than when he started. Those days he landed as a rolling ball of feathers."
Jigen took the book to look at, trying to imagine their Xander with wings. "I can't...." Xander pulled out his phone to show him a picture. "Huh." He let Lupin have the phone.
"I can see why my clone is stuck on wings," Lupin joked. He handed the phone back. "Is he the weirdest Xander?"
"Beyond the former princess or the one that got babified and reraised by Iron Man?" Xander asked.
"Yup, beyond them," Jigen said, shaking his head quickly. "I can't even imagine, man."
Xander hugged him. "You can come with me during the next convention. Most of us bring our spouses and those that have kids bring them. Ours would probably run from the baby Xanders though."
"Ya think?" Lupin asked dryly, smirking at his husband. His poor, slightly mentally corrupted husband. "What happens during conventions?"
"We share information on what we're doing and how we're doing it. We share about threats. That's how we found out about the weapons the CSI twins created to boom splat the dragons for Daddy Xander's realm." He blinked a few times. "Those with kids share tips and sometimes exchange clothes if the kids outgrew things. I spent a lot of time cuddling the mini me who knows how to use a tardis for some reason. I don't know why but he was happy to gum it into taking him on a trip a few conventions ago. I was trying to keep him out of trouble."
"You guys have a Doctor?" Lupin asked dryly.
Xander wiggled and grinned at him. "He accidentally used a time traveling bracelet and ran into him. So he can and has traveled. A lot. Everywhere. He speaks like fifty languages because he got dropped off there by someone. He ran into some of the biggest shitheads in the galaxy who wanted to own a Xander of their own. Now he's better, he's healed a lot, and he's a linguist on Atlantis. Which is a spaceship." He beamed at him. "He's also a botanist. He's the one I got that one tree from."
Lupin just nodded. He hated to think about that purple pear tree. He loved the pears, which were slightly alcoholic, but he hated that tree. Now he knew where it came from - space. "That's great. I'm sure he's had some fun times too."
Jigen was yawning to cover up his shuddering in horror. Yeah, he could see his Xander doing that. "Any other odd ones?"
"One's the Protectorate of Humanity," he offered with a shy grin. "He's the son of Loki." Lupin and Jigen both shuddered and shook their heads on their way to the bathroom to banish that thought. "He's really cool though," Xander called after them. "He's got a soulmate that he goes into elemental forms with to get some sexy times. They're both really pretty cool. Even if his husband is a SHIELD agent."
"Not yet," Lupin called. "My brain's going to explode, Xander."
"Sure, Lupin." He snuggled back in again then decided he was hungry so got up to get dressed and skipped down to find dinner. His boyfriends could chase him and steal him again. They were great thieves. "Maybe I'll talk them into going clubbing this next convention. We'd have fun with that," he told himself. "A great stress break."
"Daddy said talking to yourself was a sign of a bad mind," Kenji said when he ran into the kids on their way to dinner. He grinned up at Xander. "Do you have a bad mind, Mommy?"
"Slightly." He hugged the boys and Alex, then they raced ahead for dinner. He grinned at Goemon. "I'm still kinda full of Xander energy from our convention's research panel last night. I think I wore them both out." He strolled off after the kids.
Goemon stared at the younger man's back then went to check on Lupin and Jigen to make sure they could make it to dinner. Xander was known to wear lovers out. He walked into their suite, hearing them in the bathroom. They were both frantically taking a shower. "Are you going to make it to the evening meal?" he asked patiently. "The boys are joining us with Alex."
"I'm trying to wash the bad thoughts off, Man," Jigen complained, rinsing off the shampoo. "It's not coming off."
"Mine either. We'll try, Goemon. Try to make Xander calm down and get off convention related stories?"
"I will." He went back down to the dining area. "The other two adults will join us later. They're showering." The kids all smiled at him but went back to letting Xander teach them about plants in the book he was reading to them.
Xander Dumass showed up at Lavelle's portal, handing over a book. "I've finally gotten the directory and information guide done. It is magically updating with any new information that's brought before the convention." He winked at him. "I included not to let Xander Winchester, the GHS one, drink because it brings out the hyena."
"We should find a way to go sightseeing on each other's realms," Lavelle said, grinning madly. "Like Miami GHS us went on his world tour."
"My Draco would never agree because it'd lead to work," Dumass quipped with a slight grin. "Plus we'd confuse their worlds."
"Still, they've probably got stuff to see that we don't."
"Maybe," he agreed. "I'll suggest it to the others."
"We could just go get down in a club one night during it." He winked at Lupin when he walked in. "This is Xander Dumass, Arsene. He's a cursebreaker and book nerd. He's the head of our magical coven of Xanders. He's got a veela consort."
Lupin sighed, staring at the two Xanders. "Just visiting to give him some relief from the boredom?"
"Just dropping our information guide so he can make sure that he can stop some things happening around here. It's one reason why we have conventions." He winked at his other self before disappearing.
"How bad?" Lupin asked, sounding defeated.
"One of us is in the middle of hell vs heaven battles but his angels are just as bad as the demons," he offered with a grin, holding out the book. "It's got the plans for the artillery we'll need if someone does the dragon spell here."
"Why would someone want to do a spell that would add dragons to a world?" he asked, still sounding tired as he deflated into a chair.
"Eco warrior witches," Xander said dryly. "Saving the earth by bringing back a balance to nature and more magic means less pollution. A few kids of the Devon coven and one of the witches in the group that oversees Lotus did it. They had magical creatures from Hawaii to Las Vegas. LA had high elves."
"So basically it overlaid Middle Earth on top of the current planet?" Lupin demanded, sitting up. Xander grinned and nodded. "Damn it! Can they do that here?" Thanks to the anime conventions he went to with his Xander, he knew how freaky those worlds could be. The other geeks had been very informative about those things too.
"Yup, they sure can. Ripper ate a few of them for trying last year. England nearly got given back to the Fae. The UK government put nearly all the coven into mental health checking places, unless they had tiny kids to take care of, and quietly rewarded the Council for making sure it didn't happen. There was talk about knighting Marcus for helping stop them until they found out what he does as his other job."
"Find out if more are going to try so we can all stop them," Lupin ordered, staring at him. "Can you skip this year's convention?"
"Nope." He grinned. "I have a lot of fun and the cuddly GHS members are great cooks. We always have excellent food. They even share recipes. That's where I got that Peruvian recipe that uses rib meat."
"That was tasty."
Xander blew a kiss. "You know it doesn't take that long here. It also helps that I've set up my will to give some of them some of my collections. I get to go check on them."
"I guess. Can you stay out of trouble?"
"Don't I usually?"
"Without the bouncing you've done for the last few days?"
"Don't know," Xander admitted but smiled and blew a kiss. "I always try. You know that."
"Fine. We'll disinfect you and detaint you when you get back." He got up and went to tell the others the bad news. This convention stuff had to be a bad idea. A whole roomful of Xanders? That had to be a sign of the apocalypse.
"If one of them has a realm that's dying, they're going to evacuate to the island," Xander called after him.
"Don't tell me that," Lupin called back. "Please don't tell me that!" He almost whined. His headache was starting to come back. He detoured to the ship's infirmary. Thankfully the doctor down there decided he needed to be helped so she got his blood pressure down again. He looked at her. "Xander has a convention of himself that he goes to every year. If their realms are dying, they're going to evacuate to here."
She patted him on the arm, finding the sedatives she kept on hand to stick him with while he calmed down. That would help a lot.
Lavelle looked around the convention, pouting some. "Hunter us couldn't come?" he asked the GHS quad. They were giggling in the kitchen.
"They're about to have a battle so he wasn't sure he could be here," the younger one said. He bounced over to cuddle his other self, getting a grin and a hug back. "He'll be okay."
"We should go to his realm to make sure he doesn't need some of the stuff he stored with us," Godly Xander told his mate, who didn't look amused at that idea.
"We could go club," Lavelle added with a grin. "We could all use the clubbing stress relief. I can ask one of my spawns to come babysit. It's great birth control so I'm not a grandfather anytime soon."
The others all shared a look and nodded at each other mostly. Xander got Ishi and Melissa there. They were calm and could handle kids. Kenji, Yu, and Fred followed to help. They needed more friends about their own ages. It'd be great fun with those kids of other Xanders.
The Xanders all got dinner and sat around to talk for now. They could chat and go clubbing in a bit.
The hunters in the abandoned building were looking at the frustrated demon lord who was annoying them then at each other. Crowley was bitching about some sort of corrupting power being around Xander. They knew who Xander was. They were friends with Xander and liked Xander. Crowley liked to deny he tried to flirt with Xander a few times. Finally Crowley decided on a plan and tried to summon Xander. What he got.... Well, he could be Xander if he was older and had silver hair.
Lavelle looked around then at the demon. He sighed. "I...."
"You are not the one I summoned," he complained. "Where is that bastard Harris?"
"I am that bastard Harris. One of us anyway. We're having our annual convention right now and came to party with him once he reseals the gateway he's working on." He grinned. "There's over three hundred of us on this plane right now, dude." He sighed and looked at the hunters. "I know about you two from other Xanders. Sividia Xander has a lot of good things to say about his slightly evil Sam and his Dean friend." He unbuttoned his shirt's cuffs then sighed and undid the buttons on the front. "So, I know who you are, Crowley. I killed you in my world."
"What?" he demanded, with Dean.
"How?" Dean demanded.
Lavelle grinned at him and winked once. "I got given against my will. So I killed someone. And took his status and used it to kill more. I've killed over a quarter of my hell." He looked at Crowley again, taking off his overshirt. The demons around them screamed and held their eyes. Sam winced a bit. So did Dean. Castiel was wincing as well. Lavelle smirked at Crowley. "You are presently staring at a *Prince*, Crowley. I may not be native but you were really rude to summon my happy ass from the club I was wearing some stress out in. So tell me why I shouldn't add to my tally."
"You..." He swallowed and stepped back. "I wanted our version of you. There's something warping energy around him and it could be rather dangerous."
"Yeah, that's Godly Xander's mate's protection on him." He smirked slightly. "Phil's the God of Heros. He protects a lot of the Xanders." Crowley was giving him a funny look. "He's mated to the me that's the son of Loki. Who is the Protector of Humanity." Crowley shuddered, stepping back some. Xander looked at his t-shirt then at him. "I really should make a point about my displeasure about you bothering the me here. He's a really nice kid. Thankfully I'm a darker knight than he is." He grabbed the back of his t-shirt and pulled it up and over his head. Castiel let out a deep moan before passing out. Xander smirked at Crowley, who wasn't looking at him. "Yeah, guess who had me," he said sarcastically.
"I can tell," he admitted, taking another step back while staring at his feet. "Oh, fuck." His plans just went up like they were weed being smoked by a teenage boy.
Lavelle grinned. "Yeah, well, it took a while to heal too. Two damn years for some of them." He grabbed his necklace, shifting it off his neck. Crowley screamed and held his eyes. "He made me the greatest weapon against them all ever. Hell, I even know the Name." The remaining demons were shaking as they slowly died thanks to their organs liquidating. Xander grinned at Crowley. "Surely you don't want to make the Xander in this realm into me, right?"
"No. I don't think anyone would like that," the demon admitted, not looking at him. "I'm very sorry I summoned you so rudely from your fun, Prince."
Xander patted him on the cheek. "Be a good boy. Because if you create a problem so huge that they have to evacuate or lose humanity, they're coming to my realm or the realm of the GHS ones." He winked. "You might have some fun with that. I wonder if it'd work on you." Crowley was pale and shaking. Xander smiled and patted him on the cheek again. "Be less rude. Be more like the kitsune. I adore them. Some of my favorite beings are kitsune."
"How are you doing that?" Dean asked quietly.
Xander walked over, letting him see the scars on him. "The one that took me against my will liked to decorate his victims." He lifted his arm and the lower demons still there all burst into flames. Crowley got a bit smokey. "I have marks on me that will kill most every single demon. And a few that can do neat things like open hellmouths if I drip blood onto them with an activation phrase." Dean coughed, shaking his head. "They had me for nine months, human time. They couldn't fully take me out of time because the one that gave me away kept a tiny portal open so he could watch. He thought it'd stop an upcoming apocalypse and that was the only chance they had."
"Can I get a copy of those?" Sam asked. "I might want to tattoo on a few."
"Ask your Xander." He smiled and patted him on the cheek. "It's in the information guide." He winked and looked back at Crowley, who was on the ground on his knees and moaning. "Aren't you glad I didn't undo the pants to show off the ones on my thighs?" he quipped. "I've taken out a whole roomful of demons with them." Crowley shuddered, not looking at him. "Never, ever underestimate a Xander when you've backed him into a wall, dude. We're all snapped when we have to be. The me here, he's still nice and mostly innocent. Some of us lost that *ages* ago." He looked at Dean. "He can ask if he needs some help. Not like I haven't taken out a huge portion of my own version of hell." He winked as he put on his t-shirt and disappeared again. He went back into the clubbing with a grab for a drink. The other Xanders really liked this club and the local one was getting much more relaxed.
Dean looked at Sam, licking his lips. "I want to see what was done to him. It could really help."
"Yeah, it might," Sam agreed quietly. "Get Cas, we can go." He looked at Crowley. "Before we have to clean up a mess." The demon glared at him. He grinned. "Tattoos are easy and able to be used as blood magic." Dean hefted his guardian angel and they left together. Once they were farther away Sam looked at Dean. "I'm so glad our Xander isn't that injured," he said finally. "That one was ...he was like he was drained of good."
"Yeah, he might have been, Sammy. Taking out a good portion of hell might do that to you."
Castiel cleared his throat. "Doing so would be impossible but with the marks carved onto him he could kill a great many demons by simply being uncovered. Our Xander would never get that injured because ours would take out hell first."
"We'd help," Dean agreed, tapping the steering wheel to the music he had on. "We'd definitely help."
"We can ask him about that one," Sam decided. "Maybe we'll figure out a way to avoid that war for real."
"Do we think he knew about the marks and just didn't share?" Dean asked.
"He could've been protecting that Xander. Being gifted against your will would be horrifying."
Castiel shook his head. "He may not have been told about the marks. We would've seen some on him if he knew. Our Xander is like that." The others nodded at that. Their Xander was a huge fan of wacky ideas that somehow seemed to work.
"Maybe we should ask the 8 ball," Dean decided. "It'd know if it can help us." The other two looked at him. "The charmed one that Xander took off that magic dealer in New Orleans."
"That thing is freaky but does know a lot," Sam agreed after a second of thought. "I wonder where he's hiding it."
"Don't know. We can ask," Dean said. Castiel just made a moaning in pain noise. "You good, Cas?"
"I'm fine, Dean. Thank you for worrying." He leaned back, getting comfortable. He hated trusting chaos infused artifacts but that one did make sense as an oracle in a lot of situations.
Dean found the closed portal in Xander's hidey hole and tapped on it. A Xander with wings that felt evil to him opened the portal. "Can you ask our Xander if he can ask the 8 ball how we can fight the damn demon war? It might help us a lot if we had a clue. And what are you?" he asked.
"You know, I get that a lot," that Xander grinned. "Angel, who am I?"
"That's a Sividia," Castiel said slowly and quietly. "How did you do that?"
"Rosenburg." He blew a kiss at Sam. "My version of you is cuter. You need a hair cut. I'll ask him, Dean." He closed the portal and went to tell that one that suggestion. Godly Xander brought it to them so they could ask it. It had a novel plan.
Use the Dark Phoenix.
They all looked at that Xander, who shrugged. "I'm not against helping. I'm still in a vendetta against my own version. I can fill a second tapestry from your bad guys. Can I get explosives into their realms like I do mine?"
"I'm not sure," the local Xander said, handing over the sauce packets. They had stopped off to get Taco Bell as a snack on the way back to the apartment and portal.
Slightly more snapped Xander looked at Lavelle. "Some of the Army of Der need better sneaking lessons."
"I can host a unit of the army," he said with a grin. "It'd help me a lot. They could learn from the kids." He looked back at the napping pile of kids, and his kids with them. The Army of Der had mostly stayed to guard them and two of them were still braiding Melissa's hair for her. "Think we can host a few who need sneaking lessons, Lis?"
"Sure," she said, sounding a bit tired. She really needed a nap and to wake up to a normal world. This was...she was only a daughter of Xander so this was a bit warped for her tastes. Lupin the Fourth might really like it though. "We kept the kids from invading the TARDIS and taking a trip," she announced. "Two of them really wanted to. And one wandered off to find the realm of candy?"
"That Xander has stuff stored in various rooms for keeping them in stasis," her father said with a grin for her. "Including a room with the necessary sugary goodness we'd all hoard."
"You don't," she said. "You never have candy when we go looking for it."
"I started and fund two different chocolate companies," he quipped back, smirking at her. "You should try doing the same thing."
"I'll look for one when I get home," she said, sighing at the mini Xanders that were fussing over them. "How did you guys get shrunken?"
"Lord Draco made us for our Lord Lex's birthday," one of them said with an evil smirk. "We're his army to help him with all he needs to do. That's why we can plan, hunt demons, and make dinner."
"And be very pretty as stress relief for Harry and Draco to watch," Lex Xander quipped. "I think you were more a present to himself since he didn't have a house elf." He pulled one over to cuddle. "You guys were my greatest present ever." They all piled on him to hug him. "Think we should bring someone home to freak out John again?" They all giggled but went to poke one of the kids until they could join the cuddling. They were making nightmare noises anyway. "Sure, we can cuddle the Brad."
"Sometimes I miss my kids being that age but then I remember what sort of hell diapers were," Lavelle quipped. Melissa and Ishi both smirked at him. Fred and Kenji were making pouty faces at him. "You guys were hell at that age."
"I think any Xander that has an unsupportive spouse should get to change with another one for two weeks," Writer Xander said, smiling up at his spouse. Peter had refused to let him come alone to any convention after the first one. It was appreciated because the other Xanders mostly had bad boyfriends who didn't appreciate them enough.
"When I got changed for the bouncy, young GHS over there," Lavelle said with a point and a grin. "My boyfriends were so confused. And Ray was really confused too. He didn't realize he was bi that way before." He smirked a tiny bit. "I almost thought about getting some of that GHS inducing shot to see if it'd work on him but I like Ray and that'd be mean to my buddy."
"I'm telling him that so he can kick you around," Melissa said. "We'll tie you up first, Mom." She glanced at the four GHS then at her Xander. Hers was warped but those poor men were super warped and really confusing. And kinda hot smelling but that would be like sleeping with her mom so not going there.
"He showed off the dances," Lavelle told her with a smirk for his precious spawn. "Made Gramps handcuff himself to a bench. Made both Ray's go hide in a bathroom too."
"I'm sure of why," she agreed. "But if you did that meanness to either Ray I'd help them kick your ass, Mom."
"Then they might manage it," he quipped. "Because they usually can't."
"Uh-huh." She looked at the Xander that had gotten there a bit late, but just in time like usual. Then at the older Xander who just looked amused. "I haven't asked, which one are you?"
"I'm the one that became President thanks to some weird ass demons who wanted peace." He grimaced. "I really didn't want that job but they elected me to it. Nearly twice."
Her mouth flopped open and she made whining noises. Ishi cleared his throat. "I'm glad ours can't do that."
"I told a demon lord that was annoying me if he didn't flee my city I was going to ask a higher power for that wish to be granted," Writer Xander quipped. "He ran like I had set fire to his hairy back and balls." He grinned at his spouse, who was giving him an odd look. "What? It'd keep the hell down. No one wants that, including me. The demon underground went really quiet for almost a full month. We had even been expecting a slight apocalypse battle that didn't get to happen."
Peter smiled and kissed him. "It's a good evil plan but I would hate to be the First Husband. People would hate that very much as I'm Russian, Xander."
"That's the sort of collusion I can get behind," he said with a wink and a smirk. Peter moaned but kissed him again. "We should taunt Rick into writing that." Peter pulled him closer to cuddle him before he got more bad ideas. It always helped Xander rest when they cuddled. Though Peter didn't find a fever when he checked so he wasn't sure why he was suddenly the fount of bad ideas.
Lavelle and President Xander shared a grin and then at the kids. Ishi unconsciously moved back away from them and pulled Melissa with him.
Miami GHS Xander sighed, grinning at them. "I know that when you showed up at my house, it confused people but a lot of the poker circuit and Wade are giving me looks like 'can he do that if we push him too far' and wondering how far that line is. Which means the poker buddies quit trying to plot against me again. Though one did want me to have the tumor come back, said I was more fun to play with then. Wade nicely handed him to Horatio when he was done with his slight, fun torture of the poor guy. Horatio let him cry on him and beg for forgiveness for the bad idea."
Another Horatio looked over. "I'd probably do the same, Xander. My own is enough to drive some of the underground in Miami to drink. I can only imagine how often you do it to yours."
"You know, most of the spouses have met their other selves if they're in our lives," Original GHS Xander quipped. "If you guys had Methos in your lives I'd let you talk to ours. Our Oz has talked to a few other Oz's. Phil really likes to talk to his other selves."
Chaos GHS Xander nodded with a grin for his Phil, who was stuck with them at the moment but asleep. "They had a lot of fun during their threat assessment and bitching about the guys who covet me lunch."
Godly Phil smiled at them. "Always happy to help and it does give me a list of people I should look out for in our world. If only so I can do less paperwork. I can assign junior agents to look out for them instead." His Xander smirked at him a tiny bit. "I found two of them starting underground armies. The junior agents had a lot of paperwork I only had to proofread and send on. Much better than my stack if I had found them."
"True and we do like you without paperwork," his Xander purred. He leaned over to kiss him then grinned evilly. "Can I go talk to Lavelle's lovers?"
"I could use someone in Hawaii to talk to the newest group of cult making idiots," Daddy Xander said dryly. "Because they're annoying the crap outta everyone. And they tried to magic the kids. They lost but they tried awfully hard." He glanced at his kids then at Godly Xander. "Can I borrow one of their other selves for a few days? Steve might appreciate the help."
"I can ask Clay's team if they want a vacation to Hawaii," he promised, smirking back. "That's not a bad idea."
"Are we saving me and Sividia Xander for the big threats?" Lavelle joked.
"Yup," the others agreed.
Evil Sam was nibbling on his Xander's ear but grinned at the others. "We can help. Dean can hold down the Hellmouth for a few days if we need to help." His Xander was shivering in pleasure because Sam's free hand was in his feathers to tease them.
"That putz Crowley has no idea how evil we can be," Lavelle quipped. "That's why he tried to summon the local me earlier and got me instead."
Hunter Xander looked at him. "Is that where you went?" He grinned and nodded. "Is he okay? I mean he's evil and all but not *evil* most of the time. I'd feel sorry for him dying. And hope the next one was easier to defeat."
"A lot of his minions are dead, dear. I took off my shirt." He smirked at him. "Crowley probably has the world's worst headache from the scars. He and I had a chat about how I had taken him out in my world. He apologized, kinda, for pulling me by accident."
"Awww." They shared a grin. "Did he have anyone else?"
"Your Dean and Sam were there. Dean needed a haircut." Xander giggled, leaning over to swat him but smiled at him for it. "They wanted to know about the marks. Sam was talking about mystical tattoos."
"I can let them look at the ones we've noted," he promised. He hugged the other Xander that had hell gifted powers. "Lavelle would be scary if he could turn into a phoenix like you could." That one hugged him back, he needed more people who could touch him and not set off his pain problems or his taint. A few others piled on to hug him. Sividia Xander made him shiver but he pulled in some of his taint so that helped that reaction. The talking broke up in favor of the cuddle pile time. It was a greatly liked part of the convention.
Godly Phil Coulson stepped out of a portal and looked at the men standing there. "Lavelle's going to be a bit late. He went to threaten someone for one of the others." He tested the air. "Huh. You don't have a SHIELD here at all. Interesting." He handed Melissa and Ishi out, letting them carry out their siblings. "They were very helpful when the group went to club on Hunter Xander's realm. They didn't let the kids get into very much trouble at all. Thanks for the lending."
His Xander leaned out to grin and wave at them. He tested the air himself with a damp fingertip. "Hmm, most of the gods here are asleep."
"We mostly pray to Janus because he likes our Xander," Jigen said. "Which one are you?" They let out their glows and he moaned. "Oh, damn!"
"Your Lavelle is still one of ours. I *am* the Protector of Humanity," Xander said with a grin. "He'll be back in a few days. He's going to screw with a few people." He pulled his Phil back so the portal could mostly shut again.
Melissa put down Fred and hugged her father. Ishi put Kenji down when he wiggled and let Lupin hug him. "Over three hundred," Melissa moaned into her father's neck. "We're getting some of the Army of Der to train because they need better sneaking lessons." She shuddered. "There's hundreds of them so they can take the training home to work on it."
"I liked the Army!" Fred complained, stomping his foot.
Kenji nodded. "The Army of Mommies were really nice. And they did great on your hair, Lis."
"It's a very pretty braiding job," Lupin agreed, patting him on the head. "We can help them with their sneaking lessons." One popped up out of the backpack Kenji was wearing, getting a weird look from the adults. "Huh. You're a miniature Xander."
He grinned and nodded. "I am. I'm Fifth Der. Leader of the Second Corps." He saluted. "They're a bit overwhelmed at our magnificence. It happens the first convention a loved one comes to. After all, only so much Xanderness in your life until you build up a tolerance."
"Yeah, we had that too," Lupin the Third agreed. "We did have to build up a tolerance to his Xanderness." He looked at Jigen. "Why don't you put her down. I think she's asleep. Ishi, go report to your dad. He was looking for you. Boys, take the mini Xanders to your room. They can bunk with you guys and take lessons with you." They bounded off with their new friends. Lupin sat down, staring at a wall. "Somehow I need to de-taint our Xander so he's more normal again," he decided. "He was going a bit too evil before the convention and I'm hoping it got solved but I doubt it." He got up to talk to the 'army' members who had shown up. It was interesting and they were a handy size for pulling thefts.
People were waiting when Daddy Xander got back with his kids. Hawaii nights were still warm and humid so most everyone was on the grass watching the portal open. Xander walked out and let his five little guys and one little girl toddle out of the portal. Jo at least squealed as she ran to hug his niece. "Guys, I got us some help with those cultists who want to think they're hot shit." An adult Clay walked out of the portal and it shut behind him. He was dressed casually in a button up shirt that had the sleeves rolled up and a pair of casual dress pants plus boots. There was a huge bruise on his throat. He nodded at them. The baby Clay was still smirking evilly at his bigger self but that was all right for now.
Steve McGarrett cleared his throat. "Do we need to find you a medic, Colonel?"
"No. It's my insane mate's teeth marks," he said dryly. "He decided to claim me. The one I did on him is bigger." He looked at the others, nodding. "Xander asked for some help with some idiot cultists who think they're special."
"We could've," Danny said, eyes wide. "Huh. You've got magic?"
Clay changed down then back, staring at one guy. "You smell odd. What did you get into?"
Hannibal grinned. "Dawn usually." She swatted him on the arm. "So you're what little Clay is going to grow up into?"
"Probably without the Yellow Fur tendencies, but yup. That's still so weird."
"Rosenburg," Xander quipped, sitting down while holding Jensen. The baby was wiggling but yay. He grinned at him. "I know. You wanted to go hang with yourself but we didn't need more dragons here and it might get him injured. I'd hate that." Jensen pouted but nodded. "We can let you hoard like you're a dragon."
"Don't tempt the kid," the older Clay complained. "Every now and then we wake up in a pile under Jensen while he naps in dragon form because he was in a hoarding mood. I started to feel like a cub."
"Better hoarding teammates than computers," Xander quipped with a grin for the tiny Jensen. "You'd do that." The baby nodded, smiling back at them.
"I'd rather he hoard gold like some are said to. That way he'd have a way to pay for his own gear," Clay complained but it was mild complaining so he wasn't upset. "So, these cultists?"
"I thought we got them already," Danny said, clearing his throat to look at Steve and Kono, who was behind Steve.
"The governor let them go," Steve complained. "They're already causing more problems. Patrol has basically ordered themselves to not get involved unless they've got hostages or something like that."
"I can have a talk with them," Clay assured them smugly. "They'll listen to a real alpha dog." He smirked at Kono. "Don't worry, I'd only flirt with the dangerous sort. You're not volatile enough for me." She laughed, shaking her head. "And my mate would try to get on top again but we'd stop that." The mini Roque moaned, hiding his head in his tiny Clay's shirt. Clay grinned at Xander. "At least he doesn't have real knives yet. Atlantis got really good at stealing his knives so I could trap him in the sling for his time being the wife whenever he tried to alpha me."
"You two have kinkier sex than I do," Xander said with a grin. "There's not a lot of alpha dogs around here. Most of the ones I've been with have turned into spoiling girlfriend sorts."
"I've met a few women who were alpha dogs," Danny agreed, nodding to back it up. "And they're your type too."
"If they don't mind me being a dad, introduce us. I could use a new girlfriend," Xander quipped with a grin for his cousin.
"We arrested most of 'em, Bruh," Kono said. "If they get out, we'll see. You could definitely use better than the last guy who thought you were delicate."
Xander nodded, shuddering at the end. "He opened doors and thought I was fragile," he told the adult Clay. "He said I was too delicate to get into fights."
"What a woose," Clay agreed, frowning. "I'll leave a list of names of commandos I'd introduce our Xander to if he wasn't married and having elemental form sex with Phil." He looked at the tiny kids, who were still staring up at him. "At least we've got a sweet berth for good, guys. Xander's temple's weird but fun and a lot of greenies to bust down. Even some alien ones."
"That's freaky beyond belief," Steve said.
"We felt the same way when we found out Jensen wasn't a normal geek," Clay joked, grinning at the mini Jensen, who just smiled and waved. "We thought it was normally weird. Then we find out Roque's a demigod, who hung out with a lot of other demigods. Who helped us with Max's shit." He shook his head and looked up then at that Xander, who smirked and waved. "Yeah. If we hadn't gotten help from you thanks to Roque we'd be a normal set of guys instead of a pack of Yellow Furs and a dragon."
"You're welcome," the mini Jensen quipped. "Weird is happy making."
"Yeah, it can be. I've got a few hundred years of dealing with Roque left."
"Happy growls," mini Clay told him, waving some. He swatted the tiny Roque. "See, could be better."
"Shut up," Roque complained. "Not like that!"
Jensen giggled at them. "Not a demigod here. No Hercules."
"No, he's a self righteous douchebag," older Clay told him. "He tried to nag Xander about how he was protecting a group of people. Phil had to give him some hard facts that made him go whining off to Daddy. Who told him to leave Xander alone before he shipped him off to another universe. Roque nearly got him a job defending their primitive people as a god of defensive war but Hercules would've freaked out."
"Let me guess, 'my people wouldn't need a war god' but then he'd have to wonder why they weren't advancing," Xander said dryly. "Because war, greed, and need are what drives invention and progress." Clay nodded, looking smug again. "I'm sure he'd *adore* being the primitive hunter god that most cultures had and worshiped. Did he finally fuck off?"
"He huffed off to help indigenous peoples fight for their rights at the suggestion of Phil." He cleared his throat. "What was he warning Lavelle about?"
"Lavelle let his research teams have that GHS turning on shot. They adapted it to turn on other things too." He grinned slightly. "Lavelle was going to go sightseeing on some other planes and let them go there so he could see what happened and to sow a bit of chaos."
"Most societies are one tiny drop of chaos from rioting," Clay complained. "I can only imagine what'd happen if suddenly they had GHS there and doing things."
"Cultural changes at the very least," Xander shot back. "And he could've turned on sentinel stuff or alpha/beta/omega stuff instead."
Clay shuddered. "Seriously, I'd hate to see how fucked their peoples would become within a few years. I didn't know that you was into torture."
"He's not. He's a guy who takes out bad guys from the shadows. Think about what would happen if he's on a realm like yours and he hits a super villain with the GHS shot."
Clay considered it then walked off shuddering to find a drink. "Get anyone else a beer?" he offered.
"What's GHS?" Danny asked.
"It's a hormone condition that makes people think you're an ownable pet," Xander quipped. "The hormones gather and raise your pheromone and other sex hormones. They have to live a life of hedonism to lower it or else they're kidnaped and usually die in captivity as a harem-like slave."
"Yeah, we don't need that here," Danny said, looking at Steve.
"I'd be fantastic at it but I'd find a cure."
"Whole lots of sex," Xander said, grinning at him. "If you don't wear it out you broadcast it and it endangers you. There's some herby things to lower it but if you use it too often you can die."
Steve slumped, shaking his head. "Please don't let him bring that one here."
"I think we'd be more prone to getting ones with alpha/omega stuff so we'd have human packs," Hannibal said. "As long as I don't turn into those omegas like the online stories, where I can go into heat and get pregnant, I'm okay with human packs. My pack and Xander's pack would be allies in hunting."
Xander nodded. "If I didn't absorb you into my pack, yeah, we could do that. With the way the witches wanted to bind you to Dawn that'd be about the same as marrying into the pack."
Hannibal shook his head. "I'm not putting a ring anywhere on Dawn, Xander. She doesn't want it and I don't want to be domesticated yet." He sipped his beer.
"Xander, what's in the reusable bottles?" Clay called from the kitchen.
"Homemade beer," he called back. "Kinda has a kick. It's probably the ginger beer I brewed for a friend."
Clay came out sipping and nodding. "It is ginger beer but damn that's strong. Ours needs to make this at the temple for our down times instead of Valhallan ales and meads." He settled down to sip and talk to the others about that problem group.
"I put my beer and home brew liquor recipes into the informational guide," Xander said. "So the others could do their own."
"I need to dive into that thing to pull out those recipes so we can taunt the greenies in for training." He settled down. "So, this group. How many? What's their usual problems?"
Kono shifted closer to go over the how/why/how stupid are they of the group of morons. He could go scare them into being better humans the next day.
Evil Is As Evil Does.