Darcy woke up, feeling her bag still underneath her. It felt less lumpy but she still had the sword that was shrunk and on her bracelet now. She could feel it. She sat up, looking around. She checked herself, still dressed. She stood up, putting on the bag to check through it. The journal was missing. One of the shrunken weapons. Not the main one, it had just been moved.
"Good, you're awake," someone said, opening the door. "Now we can get on with this rite."
"What makes you think I want to help you?" she demanded.
"The world will die."
"No it won't!"
"It will. It's heavily out of balance. We have to do this rite once a century and we're a bit late, by about a decade. We couldn't get the orderly one right when we tried." He smiled at her. "But now here you are."
"I'm not orderly."
"You bring order to chaos."
"Only someone's notes. I don't clean, I don't fix messes, nothing like it." He huffed. "Sorry but no. And I'm definitely not letting you sacrifice me."
"You read that prophecy. I know you did."
"Yep and you're not getting me to fuck anyone either."
"If you're a virgin, that will save us a few steps." He smiled.
"Not hardly but not into it. I'm not into public performances." She shrugged. "Sorry but I don't consent."
"While that will make it harder on you, that won't matter much." He cast a compulsion to bring her out to the main room. "She's mouthy and hates the idea," he told the others, cracking them up. "But she's not a virgin."
"That'll make the accelerated pregnancy easier on her."
Darcy broke free, shaking her head. "Dude, that's my little brother," she said with a point at Xander's body. "No way in hell." They groaned. "And frankly, up yours. If you want a kid, make one within your coven of idiots." They tried to grab her so she blew up the second altar, staring at them while leaning on the weapon. She grinned a bit. "Bro did teach me a few things."
"Very few people have access to those sort of weapons."
"Well, yeah, but he got it for a demon apocalypse." She shrugged and pulled out the next one. They decided to flee for their lives. She huffed, going up to unlock Xander. He woke up growling. "Hey!" He blinked at her. "Hi!" She smiled and waved. "These weirdos wanted us to fuck and have a kid together."
"No way in hell," he said, sitting up and yawning. "How long did they keep me under for?"
"At least a week." She stared at him. "Did they take blood?"
"You can't do that when I'm knocked out, Darce." He hugged her. "You smell nice."
"Thanks." She grinned, handing him the sword. He laughed, getting up. She pointed at the doorway then used the weapon on it. The wall crumbled. "That'll work. Save some of those for later. If you use them all too soon we'll have to fight our way out."
"Okay." She followed him. She did stop to pick up that journal and the other missing weapon that was next to it. It looked like a lipstick case but when it was opened it was a laser weapon. Just her speed really. Xander got them outside and called someone since it was a bit nippy up there. It was spring in Denmark, so yeah, a bit chilly to hike to the nearest city. Their ride showed up. Darcy looked at him. "You called SHIELD?"
"Yeah. The one agent lady I had the FoD thing with. That way they could clean up this mess. This is a semi-important temple." He grimaced. "This is a temple to the Earth Goddess who sees over the world crystal," he announced as the agents got closer. "We can't fully destroy it. Pity."
Bobbi Morse stopped in front of him. "They had to pick me up because I'm not an agent anymore. What happened?"
Darcy opened the journal to show her. "They thought I was orderly," she said dryly. "The guy that tried to get me onto the altar said they had failed about ten years ago so they were behind and trying again. He thought I brought order because I can help Doctor Foster's messy lab make sense."
"Did you call Thor?" she asked.
"No. Not the call I want to make. Right now I just want to call the tequila fairy." Xander hugged her. "Thanks."
"Welcome." He looked at her. "They didn't touch my blood," he said quietly. "It's sealed when I'm unconscious. Since I just had a long nap...."
She nodded. "Are you sure we can't destroy it?"
"Yeah, it's kind of important." She grimaced but told the agents that, getting the siblings into the quinn jet. Agent May was waiting to debrief them. Xander stared at her. "They thought they wanted us to have a baby between us to power the world crystal."
"What is this crystal?"
"It's the magical lube for science," Darcy said. "I started to look into it when we found the prophecy saying that an order bringer and a vessel of chaos needed to have one."
Agent May considered that. "Any chance they have other wacky ideas?"
"It's important that the crystal work, but it's not usually needed to sacrifice a kid to it," Xander said, sitting down. "Again, barely read up on it when someone started to do a lot of talking about it. I'm guessing that cult is probably pretty old, and they come together about every century to make the kid and then go back to normal magical lives." He looked at Darcy. "How did you get into that storage closet?"
"Well, first I called Dawn when you were missing." He nodded that was reasonable. "Then I went missing myself for a day but ended up somehow in the Sanctum and talked to Wong, who found the prophecy in the books." She looked at May. "Big difference in the book version was there was supposed to be three chaos vessels and natural selection would pick the father. It was supposed to be within their bloodlines though." She looked at Xander. "Then I felt a tingle of you being nearby, ran into one of your ex's at the mall, and he called around. Someone he talked to mentioned a coven in Denmark." Xander nodded. "I told Dawn, who told me to go there to get into your stored backpack." She looked at May.
"Dawn Summers alerted us that his being missing may be a very bad thing. Something about blood and energy corruption?"
"I do carry a shit ton of hellmouth energy," Xander agreed. "Always have. If they have the right knowledge and spells they could suck a lot out of me to start a new one or to fund a magical creation that would cause problems. But like my blood, if I'm unconscious or asleep my protections keep them from taking any of it." May relaxed and nodded once. "Have to talk to Dawn about who to call when. SHIELD really doesn't deal with magical assholes."
Darcy yawned. "Not usually." Xander yawned. "That's gotta be spelly," she said through another one. "We both just woke up." May called the agents, who weren't responding. Bobbi went to handle it and they tried to sleep spell her too. Darcy got something out of the bag and went to the doorway of the jet, firing it on the idiot coven members, making them scream as they died. "Quit making me spill blood, people. There's not enough tequila in the world right now. The more I have to take out the longer I'll be drunk!" They ran again. Bobbi came back grinning at her. She handed the weapon to Xander, who cuddled it. "That one is nearly as nice as the bigger one I picked up."
"Aww. That's to go against an alien spaceship though." She shrugged, letting him have the bag to look at what she had stored. "Oh, hey, the pulsar cannon." She petted the laser cannon that looked like a lipstick. He kissed her on the cheek. "I'm glad you're my sister, or else I'd have to learn how to date nice chicks." She giggled, swatting him on the arm but they relaxed again. The agents got found and brought back by another team. "Hey, it's your buddies."
"I didn't call," she yelled.
"We know. Stark's mad that you didn't, Darcy," Barton called back. "Wait in there. Natasha's finding the rest of those cultists."
"They have a duty to the crystal but they screwed it all up," Xander yelled. Clint came to the doorway. "The crystal supposedly should be self supporting and the sacrifice of the made kid should come from their own lines. The crystal itself is important."
"Okay, so she can't take them all out." He grimaced. "We'll talk about it later, when they're in custody." He walked off again. "Cute weapon, Darcy."
"Thanks. I learned from the best, my baby brother." She punched him on the arm. "I need a way to check on you without annoying Dawn. She couldn't scry this time and the health check just read asleep."
He nodded at that. "I'll figure out something."
"Please." She smiled. "I'm worried about you."
"I worry about me too." She hugged him. He kissed her on the temple. "Rest. You're going goofy without caffeine and sleep." She laughed but did rest against his shoulder.
"How does this world crystal work?" Melinda May asked.
Xander shrugged a bit. "Not my field of expertise. All I know is that it's what keeps the core spinning because it lubes it. Otherwise it would've slowed down ages ago and we would've lost gravity." She grimaced. "It's also a physical repository of magic for those like the Sorcerer Supreme and his type of sorcerers to use. Actually, any sacrifice to add to the crystal has to be done by him or by those with sirenic gifts. Every now and then a fracture happens due to a huge power spike or drain or something and they have to dedicate a whole magical virgin to it somehow but the last one of those was the eighteen hundreds."
Melinda grimaced as she considered that. "That's a fairly specific area of study probably?"
"I went on a single date, a fix up, with a guy who said he was studying it and knew about Xander, but not that I'm his sister," Darcy said. "I did not share that part. He didn't seem creepy, I didn't see him in there, but he said he was studying the myths of it for his degree."
"When and where?"
"The sports bar about six blocks west of the tower, just about a month now. On a Tuesday night."
"That narrows it down," Melinda said, making a note to look that up. "Anything else stick out to you?"
"We had to basically evacuate the bar because one of Patriot Guy's minions showed up there, which was how we noted about Xander. He stared a bit but didn't really do anything around me. The guy walked me back to the tower because that was getting a bit freaky with him there."
"Okay," May agreed, making that note. "What patriot guy?"
"The one that tried to take her hostage at a poetry thing," Xander said. "Brad's people."
"Brad...."
Xander shrugged. "Never asked him. He wanted to get Steve Rogers on his side as a true patriot to turn the US back into the power we supposedly were when Eisenhower was a general."
She nodded once. "I can probably find his group from that."
"He sends a lot of emails. Steve had to ask me why he was writing him," Darcy said. "So I told him about what the guy had said. He was going to take me hostage to talk to my boss, who he didn't know anything about, to get to Steve. But he wasn't going to harm me."
"No, he's never hurt a hostage. He's real against that, said it's counterproductive, which it is," Xander agreed.
May nodded, making that note as well. "Does that sort of thing always happen?"
"Sometimes," the siblings said together.
Natasha came to the door of the jet. "Did you get them?" May asked.
"Two of the ones trying to come back to get Darcy again," she said. "The rest are back into normal human guise so we'll have to track them later." May showed her the notes so Natasha updated them. "That minion still works for him and he's highly protective of Darcy's independence because he knows that Xander will take him out if he isn't. So he probably showed up there to make sure Darcy didn't need saved from her date. That dweeb is probably not involved. He's the sort that thinks magic is all stage shows." May nodded. "But he may be a good resource." She looked at them. "Where did you get that laser weapon?"
Xander grinned. "I blew the guy who made it up. He was making bio weapons." Natasha smiled at him for that. "And then I screwed his sister to get all his plans. I made that version first." Natasha smiled more happily. "They're not in a safe, they're one I keep around in case I need to build one suddenly."
"I need to look those over later."
"I'll probably be on Darcy's couch." He looked outside at the yell. "We need to go before the yeti gets more upset." He grinned at Natasha. "They like redheads because they're so rare." She walked off to get the other agents back to the jet. The yeti did stare at her, panting hard as he reached for her hair. It didn't do more than pet her once before running off yelling again. "At least that wasn't a mating call," he told Bobbi, who cracked up. Darcy was quietly snickering against his shoulder too.
Melinda shook her head, making that note for the report. That way someone would know if they ran into another one. Or those two having to save themselves.
***
"Lewis, go ahead and disarm," Stark said as she walked into the living room area behind her brother. "It should be safe here."
Darcy stared at him. "I already gave them back to their rightful handler." She pointed at her brother. "All but the laser. It's mine now because he can make himself another one." She sat down, looking at Clint and Natasha. "Do we think they're done with us?"
"There's always hope," Natasha said. "Perhaps not your brother. You don't really fit the order bringer part of the prophecy." She sank into a seat. "How many more yeti are there in the world?"
"Sixty that I know of," Xander said, blinking at her. "They don't really form colonies but there's a few family groups here and there."
She nodded. "How did they avoid notice?"
"What person is going to believe you saw a yeti?" Darcy asked.
"Point," Clint agreed. He looked at Stark and Banner. "They thought Natasha was pretty."
"They like redheads," Xander agreed. He sank down into the oversized chair next to his sister. "I don't know why but they do. There's no known language translation for them but we can tell their calls like we do wolf calls."
"A yeti," Banner said slowly. "Really?"
"It showed up to see what all the people were doing," Darcy said. She grinned at him. "It wanted to pet Natasha."
"She's pretty and they can tell that, but she's not really pettable," Stark quipped, staring at her. She scowled but shrugged it off. He looked at them. "Should we worry about weeding anything they gave you out?"
"I woke up from a nap still fully dressed," Darcy said. "Xander was on the altar taking a nap."
"It was a great nap," Xander agreed. "I really needed it." Darcy elbowed him gently but cuddled against him. He yawned again. "We should be fine and their plot was stopped. They probably won't come back again." He lifted his sister's wrist. "Why did you take that out?"
"I thought it might come in handy." She looked up.
"It could be released on someone but it might try to take you out too."
"I can talk to it. I'm not the one that put it in there."
"Could be. It would appreciate you being pretty." She grinned. "I should probably put that back." Stark got up and got a container from the kitchen, coming back to hold it out for Darcy to put whatever in it. She took off the bracelet and the sword to keep, then dropped it into the tuperware container. Xander grinned at Stark. "Thanks. She probably didn't need tainted by the demonic today." She looked at him. "It might make sure no one comes near you again. Then how would you date someone I need to threaten?"
She shrugged. "Sometimes the more evil is fun, sometimes it's evil, and sometimes it's a supposed good guy." She looked at Stark, pulling up an email. "Is that who I think it is?"
He took the phone to read. "That's Hammer, yup. Why did he send you a flirty email?" He handed the phone back before sealing the container for a bit.
"I thought he wanted to get into Janey's work." She shrugged. "Kinda creepy though."
"Yeah, he is, and he's probably not up to any woman's standards."
"I've had a few of those," Darcy quipped. Xander nodded he had too. She looked at him. "Did you ever meet him?"
"Yeah and he tried to flirt but he was so far beneath my usual." He waved a hand behind Darcy's head but grinned at her. "He's good enough for a slayer to date maybe. They have little standards, mostly because they think they're desperate."
"When it's your life most nights, it gets to you and you need cuddles," Darcy agreed. "Thankfully not my usual life." He hugged her. She looked at Stark. "That demon's pretty good at conversation. We were talking about the book I was reading the other night. He apparently reads like english teachers do."
He blinked a few times, walking off with it to put it into the safe. "I'll remember that if we need to have someone to talk to." He shuddered once he was in the elevator, ignoring the demon trying to start a conversation.
Darcy grinned. "Let me get us onto my couch." Banner nodded like he was confused. Natasha nodded that was fine. They fled back to her apartment. She looked at her brother. "Food?"
"I could eat. I usually can."
"Cool!" She looked in her fridge and cabinets, deciding on the pasta. It was an easy quick meal.
In the living room, Natasha looked at Bruce, who was slowly shaking his head. "Each time we run into him professionally I get this headache," Bruce said quietly. He got up and went down to his lab to hide from the siblings.
Natasha looked at Clint. "I get the same headache usually," she agreed quietly, making him grin at her. "Let me go clean my weapons in case they show up again." She went to her rooms to mutter and hide her screaming into her pillows.
Clint relaxed, being on watch to make sure no one broke in there to get either sibling this time. You never knew about some of Xander's dates. As proven by one pretending to be cleaning staff. "We use robots for that," he called then grinned and waved when the guy stared at him. "Go ahead and knock. Darcy really likes to meet his boyfriends." The guy knocked on Darcy's door and the guy slipped in to go kiss Xander. Clint smirked, making a note on who that was for later security details. That way they'd stop him before he snuck in for a worse reason than checking on Xander.
***
Xander looked around before walking into Stark's lab. "No sister, right?"
"No, she's nagging Jane," Stark said, turning around to look at him. "You look like you're up to something."
Xander grinned. "Remember that talk about the nuclear butt plug? Well, I talked to Simon, who thought it was an interesting idea. He said he couldn't make it very slimline but he did figure out how small you could shrink it and still have it be a true weapon for more than one person. Then I showed him two chemical formulas I found recently in a demon market, one that said it was to be used for biological purposes.
"It was apparently meant to go to some higher princess level demon queen who was being married off against her will. Simon agreed it'd have a lot of effect, especially if used together. So he had ideas and they were great to work out of his head when he asked." He put the notes down on the table with a smirk. "So now there is a nuclear level butt plug to use on Darcy's future dates that may hurt her or I could just use the lube stuff and let them burn up."
He put down the other notes with a wink. "Simon suggested I share because he said he wasn't sure the wiring in the plug part would work but he had an ex-girlfriend he wanted to use it on. Thankfully Hill is protected here and his other ex is in a jail in Egypt for being a woman who took out men. A lot. For money." He grinned again. "So if you find a fault in his wiring, more than the board looking upside down to me, he might like to hear."
"Is this Simon on a list?"
"You'd have to ask Hill that. He works for Germany these days though."
Stark moaned. "How do you find people like that?"
"I accidentally stopped him from killing two other agents, I think Iranian ones, and he yelled at me but I pointed out that they were kinda important the next day when they had to play a part in a summoning because we couldn't stop their cult permanently but if we could kill that first demon it couldn't be used to call the higher demon that whole group wanted to really summon.
"Kill the little to make sure the big can't be summoned and them calling it back was enough to get them taken out by official sorts who hate cults to demons, who had ignored it for over a decade until then. Simon watched all that, made a report, then came to talk after the battle about things. Thankfully I was flirting with a succuba and he drove her off."
He shrugged but grinned again. "He appreciates me. Won't really do more than accept minor sex from me, he claims he's het and they'd probably take him out of the field if he wasn't het. But he's the nicest guy to ask those sort of questions to."
"You give me great headaches, Harris."
"Sorry!" He grinned. "But if you need it for some of your bad guys, now you have plans." He beamed and left to go nag his sister.
Stark moaned, turning to bang his head on the table. But he did look at those plans. "That'd be an awfully big plug," he said as he looked it over. "Even with nano circuits. No, I'm not going to update that. Hill!" he bellowed. The AI sent her up to see him. He held up the papers. "You have an ex named Simon who works for the Germans?"
"I do. Why does this matter?"
"Harris went to him with the idea of a nuclear weapon in a butt plug to hurt his sister's future bad dates." He waved the papers. "He figured it out. Said he'd only use it on an ex-girlfriend who probably wasn't you. That one was in Egypt in a jail."
"The one he'd blow up is actually in Albania working with their government. It's his ex-wife. A *nuclear* butt plug? Really?" He nodded. She took the plans to look at. "That's probably six inches wide and about ten long," she said, looking at the diagram. "Bit big."
He looked at her oddly. "Some people take fists, Hill," he said dryly.
"Yes but they don't walk around like that."
"You can probably train your body to do that. Hell, HYDRA could probably brainwash a few porn stars into doing it." She winced. "Also, he found a chemical liquid explosive that would work as a lube." He let her see those.
She moaned. "I'll have notes made to our Director," she said quietly, handing them back after making a few notes to go with the report. "Where is Harris?"
He looked at the screen. "Nagging Jane with her to eat something." He looked at her again. "I had this same headache yesterday when they were talking about the yeti liking redheads."
"I don't want to know," she decided, walking off with her notes. She called Coulson personally, because otherwise the SHIELD geeks might get *ideas*. She held up the first page, making him blink a few times then stare at her oddly. "My ex Simon. Xander Harris went to him about his weird idea and threat to any future bad boyfriend his sister might not enjoy."
Coulson just nodded once. "I remember Simon. He seemed too sane to like Harris. We should probably reevaluate him."
"He came up with a nuclear butt plug, Phil."
"I... I had hoped it was some sort of weird looking rocket." He sucked in a deep breath through his nose then let it out slowly. "Usable?"
"Might have a few electrical flaws by the notes on the designs Harris gave Stark. And one for a chemical explosive sexual lubricant."
"I see." He looked down then up at her. "See if you can get us real plans from your ex?"
"I can try," she agreed. "Stark suggested HYDRA could kidnap and program some porn stars to be walking around with them if they got the plans. How would we scan for them?"
"I don't want to think about that so I'll go ask Melinda." He hung up with a moan of pain. He went to the labs, looking at the team in there. "Xander Harris has once again proved he has weird ideas that work." They all stared at him. "He threatened his sister's next evil boyfriend with a nuclear bomb up the hind end." Melinda May giggled, shaking her head. "A contact of his came up with one." She went from giggling to choking. "It's a bit large for normal people but..." He stared at her. "Find some way to figure out how to scan for it?"
"They found what?" Simmons demanded. "How would you even *do* that?"
"Hill will try to get copies just in case, the creator of it is one of her ex's who works for Germany's BND." She slumped, staring at him. "Apparently Stark hypothesized that HYDRA could kidnap pornstars to turn into agents or walking time bombs with those."
Simmons didn't realize she had an eye twitch until that moment. She looked at Fitz, her lab partner, who shrugged back. She looked at her boss. "You've been dosed with something, haven't you?" she asked kindly. "Need to hit medical?"
"I wish. It'd make reality seem more sane. Apparently there's also a formula for a chemical explosive that can be used as a lubricant." They all moaned. "Find a way to scan for it please?" They nodded. "Thank you. I know our metal detectors don't pick up smaller metal items inside the body. Or someone's hood piercing for some reason." He walked off rubbing his head. Maybe a trip to medical was a good idea after all? At least they'd have something for his headache.
He walked in and they stared at him. He got into the advil box. He shook his head at the continued staring. "Get the gossip from the labs." He went back to his desk to make notes on those things. He had a note from Maria Hill that she did have plans from him.
Her ex had been amused at her reaction to them coming up with it, and had gladly shared just in case someone else got an idea up their backsides. Or someone in Europe used their women's ice hockey league. He paged Simmons, holding up the email he printed out. "From Hill. Design specs."
She took them to look over. "Can you fit something that size up an anal column?" she demanded, looking at him.
"I would not know. Go ask a gay agent that?" She nodded, going to ask about that size. She came back blushing but had a report that stated it was a useable size, and a wearable size, and that some people liked having even larger things so ten inches by six inches diameter was good to them. Coulson now had information he did not want to have but it rather came with the territory of being in command of SHIELD.
***
Stark leaned into Jane's lab, looking at Xander. "What ice hockey league is Hill moaning about?"
"Where or why?" Xander quipped, smiling at him.
"Europe."
"The women's ice hockey league maybe?" He looked it up and showed him a picture from a game. "It's a women's naked ice hockey league. I have season tickets." He grinned.
Darcy took the phone to look at. "Those poor, chilly, naked women." She handed the phone back. Jane was shaking her head slowly. Xander showed her too. Jane spluttered and choked on her notes so Darcy had to save them.
"Why does Europe have a women's naked ice hockey league?" Stark asked, sounding tired.
"It started as a brothel level league from higher end brothels. Now there's one team in each major city and a few from other countries." He pulled up the team standings list, showing it to him. "My fave is the Canadian team. They're *really* good and play a bit meanly but also really pretty and great when they switch from hockey season to soccer season."
Stark blinked at him then walked off shaking his head and moaning. He ran into Hill's office area, going inside to pull up a search on those. The AI pulled up the site with the team standings list to show all the teams. "They're a women's naked ice hockey league. It started as higher end brothel teams and spread. When they're done with hockey apparently they play soccer. Harris stans the Canadian team." He walked off to find Pepper and make her take his mind off all this somehow.
Hill stared at the list, clicking on a league list. "They hold real games," she said, watching a clip from one. "Huh. Naked women skating and playing hockey." She blinked a few times. "Body paint from Egypt for modesty. One team doesn't shave," she realized, blinking at it a few times. Her second-in-command came in and gently led her to a couch in their break room to nap on. "Did you know about the hockey league?"
"Not a thing, ma'am. Let me do some research to make sure they're not evil." He went back to her office to dig into that. He sent a report to Coulson and to Stark both, and then decided to send one to Rogers. He officially led the team so he should know in case they became a threat.
***
Steve looked at his email, pausing his chewing on lunch with Sam and Bucky to look at the sent report. "What the heck?" he muttered, staring at it.
Bucky leaned over to see because hardly anything made Steve Rogers blush that way. "Is that...hockey? Naked women playing hockey. Okay."
"There's a league sort of thing in Europe," Sam said with a grin. "One of the guys I worked with knew about them and followed his mother's native country's team. Apparently Albania was pretty good a few years back." He ate a bite of his meatloaf sandwich. Steve and Bucky were both staring at him. "I wonder how this came to attention. I'm almost sensing a Lewis moment or a Harris moment."
"Has to be a Lewis moment," Steve decided. "That's not the sort of warped stuff Xander does usually." He sent back a question to that agent asking why it was pertinent. Apparently he went to ask Hill and came back with a small report of why. "No, I'm wrong. It was a Xander moment. He had a friend who came up with a nuclear powered butt plug somehow." Bucky choked and shook his head, trying to clear out the blockage with some coffee. Steve thumped him on the back. "You okay, Bucky?"
"No," he gasped.
Sam stared at them. "Wouldn't that be too big?"
"Thelize in Paris," Bucky coughed.
"Oh, *her*!" Steve said, nodding. "Pretty girl with a weird burlesque show Jacques took us to for downtime one weekend." Sam stared at him. "Mortar rounds, Sam." Sam shuddered. "I didn't know you could do that in either place she stuck them but apparently it was good for her."
"Yeah, I don't need to know," Sam said. Bucky nodded, sipping Steve's coffee now. The waitress came over to refill their mugs. "Thanks. We just had a friend tell us some very weird things," he said quietly. "Sorry about him choking so loudly."
She winked at him. "I heard part of it. There's a nice club up on the lower east side that has that sort of show if you're looking. My cousin did some bouncing up there last year."
Bucky sipped his new cup of coffee. "I think I'm a bit too shy for that. But thanks. Maybe Sam should go. He seems amused." She winked again and refilled Bucky's cup before going to check on a few others.
Sam kicked him under the table. Steve shook his head. "Everyone should try things at least once to see if they like them," Steve decided. "Maybe you should and tell us how it was. I figure Stark can probably give us the address."
Sam stared at him then kicked him under the table too. "Not this weekend." He went back to eating before he said anything else that got overheard. His mother would kill him if he went to such places. And she'd know because he'd have to go hide behind her to get right and normal again. "Maybe you should bring Lewis."
"She might already know where it is," Steve agreed.
Bucky looked at him. "I doubt it. She's more uptight than that." He stuffed his mouth quickly.
Sam ate another bite too. He made sure the waitress got a great tip for that suggestion. She seemed very helpful.
***
Darcy looked up as Bucky walked into the lab. "You okay? You have stains."
"Lunch dripped when I choked on the idea of getting that plug up someone thanks to a show we saw in France way back when," he said dryly. "Apparently there's a club around here and Steve thought you might want to know."
"Not into exhibitionism as a kink but thanks for thinking of me. Jane, do you like to watch live sex shows?"
"Not really. Too many drugs are usually involved," she said, looking up. "Why?"
"The thought of that thing made me think back to a show in France back during the war and the waitress offered us the address of one on the lower east side. The very thought of that device is a bit weird, Lewis."
She shrugged. "Not my doing. Xander threatened to find one to use on a future asshole boyfriend. Stark told him it probably couldn't be done. And yet someone did." She flapped a hand around with a grin. "He does find some of the weirdest things."
"We should probably get notes about that stuff just in case someone else has ideas," he said.
"Stark has some."
"Great!" He smirked at her. "Any other weird things?"
"An anti forced marriage chemical weapon lube?" Darcy guessed with a smirk. Bucky moaned, shaking his head as he walked off, going up the hall to Stark's lab. She shrugged at Jane, who shrugged back. "I personally think he probably has worse ideas made but who knows what he's found in the demon markets or wherever he's been. Those unicorn princesses might have some freakier stuff. Who knows."
"They were freaky," Jane agreed, going back to her current project. "Do we have the star shift data yet?" Darcy looked in their emails, printing it. "Thank you. "Maybe we should set Xander up on a date with someone nice and partially normal? Maybe Romanoff knows an agent who might like him."
"Maybe. I could ask I guess." She sent that message to Clint's phone, she didn't have Natasha's number, and got back they'd all appreciate her brother dating someone normal again. Before the next one tried to end the world. Though, his one he faced down earlier was apparently a princess of a dead realm. He had stopped her from taking one of the slayers. It had been captured on video. He sent her the film so she could watch it. "Awww. Xan's girlfriend is pretty but dead and wanted him to be her prince of the dead realm."
"Isn't that a Tim Burton movie waiting to happen?" Jane mumbled.
"Probably, yeah. Or a more fairytale version of the B-word guy."
Jane looked at her. "He won't really show up if you say his name three times."
"Prove it. Especially with the way weird things happen thanks to baby brother?" She smirked. "Are you willing to take that chance, Janey?"
"No," she admitted. Darcy showed her that film so she moaned. "Wow. That's so a Burton movie waiting to happen." She shook her head quickly. "Tell Clint about the hockey league?"
"Sure." She sent that site to him with a 'Xander clued us in, he follows the main Canadian team instead of one of the city teams'.
Upstairs, Clint looked at his phone, getting into that link. "What the hell?" he muttered.
Stark looked over from resting his eyes on a couch with an ice pack on his head. "If that's hockey related, Harris stans the Canadian team." He moved the ice pack to a new spot. His poor head.
Clint looked at him then at the others in the living room. "Naked women's hockey, guys?"
"There's a what now?" Bruce demanded. Clint beamed it to the tv. The AI put it on the game taped earlier in the week. Stark's cable package got a lot of esoteric and weird channels. Bruce stared, mouth open. "That's... they're naked. Shouldn't they be cold?"
"They're probably a bit chilled," Steve said, nodding a bit. "Nipples look cold. That one Romanian player is really pretty. Is that Romania and Paris?"
"Yeah. By the thing at the bottom," Clint said, switching how he was sitting to see it better. He texted Natasha to come see this.
She came out and stared, hands on her hips. "How on earth?"
"It's a brothel league," Stark said under his ice pack, eyes still closed. "Harris clued us in earlier. He apparently likes the Canadian team."
She blinked a few times. "I cannot play hockey and I do not want to learn that one." She sat down to watch what was going on. "Huh. Men must really like this. It's got a good bit of attendance in the stands." She winced at the 'hair pulling' penalty one of the women just got. "They do play as meanly as any men's game I suppose."
Stark moved his ice pack to look at her. "Apparently their off season is soccer instead of hockey."
She nodded. "That has to be a sight with all the bouncing." She settled in to watch it, texting Pepper and others about that league. Pepper came up to watch with her. She even made popcorn for everyone before sitting down. Stark was back to not watching thanks to his headache. Bruce was still staring hard but blushing. Steve was blushing. Bucky was blushing. Sam was almost cheering on one of the players that kept yanking pubic hair and getting penalized for it.
Natasha shook her head. "They are more mean than the men are. And they fight just as much." She winced when someone fell and got kicked by a skate but the ref pulled her out for medical attention. A few of the other women had scars too so they were really playing and really keeping score. The announcer was noting which players were going to an all star game coming up in a few weeks. Which was being held in Montreal. She and Pepper shared a look then shrugged. They might go to see that.
Clint looked at his buddy, grinning. "I'll go if you do."
"If we're not busy and there's tickets," she agreed.
"Me too so you can guard us," Pepper told Clint. Tony sat up to stare at her. "What? I could appreciate women doing sports. Even if they are naked."
"Uh-huh." He got up and tossed his ice pack into a sink before hauling Pepper up and walking her off. "Let's go to dinner, Pep. I have a huge headache thanks to Lewis' brother. He had someone come up with a nuclear butt plug. I had to look at the plans and everything."
"Poor boy." She smiled, patting him on the cheek. "Natasha, tape that for me?"
"I will." She set the command to DVR the game and future games. She paused. "Nuclear butt plug?" she asked, looking at Clint, who shrugged. Bucky was moaning so she looked at him. "Why?"
"He apparently threatened a future bad Darcy boyfriend with finding one," Bucky said. "He had a friend come up with how."
"Ah." She nodded once. "That'd be too large."
"No, it's got nano tech. Ten inches long by about six wide," Steve said.
"Hmm. Porn star sized then," she decided. "Very weird." She shook her head, nibbling on her popcorn while watching the game. Hill walked in, spotted the game, went red in the face, and walked off shaking her head and moaning to go lay down again. "I didn't realize she was that easily embarrassed." She ate some more popcorn, tossing some to Clint so he could catch them in the air.
"Harris is having to copy all his idea files and things onto a different medium because Rosenburg virused his phone again," Clint said casually. She nodded, going to talk to him about getting a copy to keep safe. Then she came back with him to watch the game with them. And Darcy as it happened. Thor paused on his way through, blinking a few times before walking off shaking his head. Jane settled in to watch with them when Darcy told her it was on. Steve, Bucky, and Bruce all faded back to do guy things so they weren't watching sports. It upset their delicate constitution.
***
Natasha was looking over the idea file, shaking her head at the fifth thing that was weapons but not sexual related. The files had some very mean plans in case of emergency. And some weird things. Why would anyone make a lubricant that was a chemical weapon? Though a few of them she wanted to see made to see if they could have it around in case of emergencies. Stark could probably build them. She did find a delightful one that she sent to Coulson, and with it the note that Darcy had his original version.
***
Phil Coulson looked at his computer since it was making noise. He looked at the email, then sighed. "Why is she switching from a tazer to a laser?" He rubbed his forehead. Then he got sent another link to the game she had watched earlier. He opened it and let out a mild swear at his former agent's dirty mind. He really had to have a talk with her about sharing such things.
Though...they were really naked, not just in skin colored body suits. He sent the link to the labs, Daisy, and Melinda. One of them might like hockey, he didn't. Their soccer teams were nice looking though. That's when he realized he needed to go rest for a bit. Before Natasha's dirty mind made him think more like Clint Barton again.
That was always bad for SHIELD when he had to channel Barton's thinking.
***
Daisy looked at her computer, logging into the game to watch it. "Wow, I didn't know that we knew about that." She turned it off. "Not my thing."
In the lab, Simmons and Fitz were staring in horrified awe at the game. Melinda was just staring. They turned it off and they all sent complaints to Hill that Coulson needed a vacation or he had been dosed with something but was denying it. Hill could handle him. She had for years when she had been his boss.
Hill went up to Natasha's suite, knocking and getting her. "You made Coulson worry his people that he was turning into Barton again."
She tried not to smile at that. "It was effective the last time he did so. It let us save Belarus."
"This time it sent him to bed for a nap. His lab geeks all said he needed a vacation or he was exposed to something mind altering." She gave her a pointed look. "Quit being so mean please, Romanoff. If Phil falls I've got to take back over."
"You could uncover Fury and let him see those."
"Nick Fury would try to skin me alive on the way to medical if I showed him naked hockey matches." She walked off to send Nick a quiet text about Phil needing a vacation before he turned back into Barton. Fury asked why so she sent him the link from Phil's emails. And noted that Harris had shown Natasha so she was sharing. Fury's message back an hour later ordered her to send Romanoff on vacation somewhere quiet and spa-like, and to send Barton with her just in case someone hated that idea.
He'd send Coulson to Oregon to relax with his former girlfriend or something. They'd handle it for a few weeks of needed vacation time. She snickered, writing that Phil's former girlfriend was now in London with the symphony there and Phil hated Oregon without her there. She suggested Cancun but it was full of drunken, partying college kids right now. Fury made plans for where to send them all and sent the confirmation emails to her. She could have them kidnaped onto the planes for all he cared. He'd handle SHIELD again for a few weeks.
***
Darcy looked up as someone she kinda knew ran into her in the coffee shop she favored. She bought him a coffee and handed it over with a smile. "Fancy seeing you in this part of town," she said quietly, walking off with him. "What's up?"
"Someone taking Hill's name in vein to get someone to kidnap Romanoff." He handed over the email.
She looked and giggled. "Wait." She texted Clint, bringing him out yawning and stretching. She let him see it.
He read it and looked at Frank Castle. "It was probably her. She thinks Natasha needs a vacation pretty badly since she apparently liked the naked hockey match last night."
"Why are guys playing hockey naked?" Frank asked.
"Women, Frank. Women," Darcy corrected with a smile for him when he shivered. "It's an international league. We do have a team here in the city but they're ranked pretty low."
Clint looked at her then shook his head, looking at Frank. "I'll make sure she gets on the plane and tell Hill to quit being so spy-like. It's not needed this time."
"I was hoping it wasn't a plot to get her compromised."
"No, that's Hill's idea of subtle," Clint complained. "Thanks, man." He took Darcy's coffee as he walked off.
"Hey!" she complained. He grinned back at her. She sighed, looking at Frank, who was trying not to stare. "Yesterday was the day that my little brother gave a lot of people headaches. And then he told them about the hockey league."
"Why would they play hockey naked?"
"It started as an exclusive brothel league, Frank."
"Ooooh." He nodded once then shivered. "I'll have to tell others. Maybe our local team would get better." He walked off. "Have a fun day, Lewis."
"You too." She went back to get more coffee then went to the labs.
"Go straighten out your brother so he gives less headaches," Stark ordered when she ran into him.
"I'm still not sleeping with him, Stark," she shot back, staring at him. "Can't do that. If you want to flirt with my baby bro, you go for it though." She grinned and gave him a thumb's up. "You're dangerous enough for him. Pepper might like to watch." He walked off groaning. "If not, find him one and introduce him," she called after him.
"I don't know anyone dangerous enough for him, Lewis."
She grinned when he glared back. "I only know a few of his ex's. I have no idea which ones are in jail or he's on the outs with. Me calling one of them would only cause problems."
Stark moaned, slamming into his lab to try to protect his mind.
Darcy smiled at Jane, who was shaking her head. "Xander could use a great lover. Maybe even a permanent one." Jane nodded she agreed. "But I don't know anyone."
"Me either," she admitted, getting back to her coffee and lab work.
***
Frank Castle walked into a law office, looking around then at the altar boy that annoyed him. "I found someone who's worse at finding trouble than you. I didn't think it was possible but that one found a chemical weapon that is used sexually and a naked women's hockey league."
Matt blinked but stared at the general area Frank was standing in. "Who did what now?"
"Harris. Former watcher guy who is related to Lewis, who works with Foster."
"Heard of her," he agreed.
"He's her half brother."
"A sexual chemical weapon? Like the fuck or die stories you find online?"
"Not from what I heard. It's explosive."
"Uh-huh." Matt licked his lips then nodded once. "Naked women's hockey league?"
"International but our local team apparently is on the low end of the standings."
"Why?"
"I don't know but I needed that out of my head before it exploded." He left.
Matt frowned until his partner came in then he shared that news with him. Foggy had apparently met Xander at least once since he wasn't that bothered.
***
Darcy looked at the woman staring at her in the shop, walking over to her. The woman clearly wasn't trying to flirt with her. With the leather bustier and openly worn knife, she had an idea why she was staring. "Do you know my little brother Xander by chance?" she asked quietly, staring back.
"I thought you might be his new girlfriend. I was thinking I could recruit you into our group."
"I've met Aria and another one that had a group of women doing things that liked my little brother." She smiled. "But I'm presently taken up by helping scientists organize stuff."
"Oh, you're *her*!" She smiled and hugged her. "Aria's second-in-command mentioned you, Darcy."
"That's cool. Thank you for being one that likes my baby brother. He could always use more of them since he's got wacky ideas again. And apparently a ticket to the upcoming city's hockey team game."
"Is that the brothel league?"
"Yup." Darcy nodded, grimacing. "Not my thing. I feel so sorry that they're that cold. I'm all for a WNHL like the WNBA but I feel sorry they're so cold."
The woman smiled. "They tried it with lingerie but they got ripped and torn. At least they're allowed to wear support systems when they switch to soccer."
"That's cool." Darcy nodded. "I'd need like three bras myself."
"They have underwire bras without the fabric to hold them up but you are well stacked." She looked at Darcy's chest. "How do you punch past that?"
"I don't punch. I taze." She grinned, making the woman giggle and hug her again before walking off. "Call Xander if you want to. He's been bored and having weird idea problems again," she called after her. Darcy went back to her shopping, considering how her brother kept getting interested in women who acted like they wanted to be Octopussy from a Bond movie. This made the third one. Xander had never mentioned a third one.
Though, Xander hardly ever talked about his dating habits... Maybe she should start asking so she could identify them. Or see if they had a mailing list maybe? Or maybe there was a pub somewhere they all hung out at sometimes? That could possibly be.
London had places like that; she had walked into one by accident and had to talk her way out of being taken as someone's concubine, who had liked she was Xander's sister. She had to ask him about that guy later she decided. She found the shirt she wanted and bought it after trying it on so she could get back to check on her brother. "Ran into one of your girlfriends," she said as she walked into her apartment.
Xander lifted up to stare at her from the couch. "Which girlfriend?"
"Redish brunette, fairly shapely. Seemed a lot like Aria but said she heard about me from her? She thought I was your girlfriend too but Aria had told her about me."
"That's probably Dura and she used to be one of Aria's girls but left to make her own group." He laid back down. "What did she want?"
"She said she was going to recruit me but I asked her if she knew you and told her I was Darcy, so she hugged me twice." Xander got up with a moan, finding the tracking device she had put on her. He walked it off shaking his head. "When you come back, tell me about the guy who wanted me to be his harem because of you," she called after him. "I never heard anything about him after another of your ex's saved me from him." Xander came back and dragged her off. "Hey, grabby!"
"Barton." The guy looked up from playing cards with Natasha. "Here, Dura put it on Darcy when she was out and about."
"In the Old Navy store," Darcy said with a shrug. "She recognized who I was when I said Xander was my little brother. She had been staring hard so I asked if she was one of my little brother's girlfriends." Natasha sighed, shaking her head slowly. "She asked me how I punched around my boobs but I said I don't punch, I taze. Which means that she might think that I'm weaker in defending myself but that could be a nice thing so they underestimate me."
"Tell her about the other one?"
"While we were in London, I needed a night off so I went to a pub about two blocks from Jane's mom's place. I was barely in there when a guy decided he was going to come chat me up and try to keep my attention. I didn't let him buy me a drink, I got my own, and he admitted he knew about Xander and about me being his sister. He said he wanted me to be his harem and some day he'd get Xander to join him too." She looked at him. "Another friend of yours rescued me and sent me back to Jane's mom's apartment."
"That harem guy was named Jaques." Xander grinned at Barton, who shuddered. "Though I know something about that pub."
"I know nothing about it," Natasha admitted. She put an empty glass over that tracking device. Jane walked past them looking for coffee with an empty cup and plate. "Did you bring Jane there?"
"Nope. We usually went to the brightly colored bar that had a lot of college kids and drink specials." She looked at Jane. "Did you ever see that pub I went into one night by accident?"
"Is that the dark bar that looked like a lot of smokers went in there to have a cigar and a prostitute from Central America?" Jane called back.
"Yeah, that place."
Jane came to the kitchen opening. "I walked past it a few times but I figured they were the sort that wouldn't want attention from someone not one of them. You went in there?"
"I was out needing a night off and it looked quieter than the rest of London."
"You're lucky they didn't ask you to smoke with them and then take you as their newest girl for hire." She went back to coffee making.
"One of baby bro's ex's tried to keep me as part of his harem," Darcy told her.
"We need to find both of you regular, normal lovers," Jane called. "Before I have to miss you when they kidnap you, Darcy."
"Awww! I'd miss you too, Jane." She went to hug her. "I'd be the best self rescuing princess I could be if that happens."
Xander grinned at Barton. "If Jacques comes near Darcy again, I'm going to test that plug design," he said quietly. "Maybe even twice since his twin brother is even worse and I'd hate to make him a messy spot if he comes near my sister."
"He has a twin?" Natasha asked, looking confused. "That's not noted."
"Either that or he's got MPD and his other side is a bit more psycho and psychological."
"We've barely heard of him," Clint said. "His file states that they thought he tried to change his MO and changed back."
"His other side or twin, whichever he is, is named Morris. He turned and winged the guy that made meowing noises at that but he was there to meet him about some biological weapons." Xander grinned at them. "Then he offered to have his girlfriend of the moment come suck the bullet out so they could get down to business. Also, he's got a drug that is single-use addicting and it is a personality changing one as well. No chance of detoxing, it's permanently brain changing.
"He tried to got me to use try it and I had to remind him I didn't like drugs and I wasn't the normal guy anyway. We had drinks before dinner. I drank something that was guaranteed to bring up the hyena and chased him around his rented compound for the rest of the night trying to hunt the pussy. He thought it was exciting until I ripped out his bodyguard's throat for trying to save him."
He smirked a tiny bit at Natasha's shiver. "By the way, she adores Darcy as her packmate and beta. Hates most of the slayers but Faith but adores Darcy. She'll come out to get petted if I have too high of a fever. I had to have her sent for once when I had malaria because of that."
Darcy leaned out of the kitchen. "I remember that. She was sweet and loved to have me protect her." She went back to chatting with Jane.
Natasha made a note for herself. "I'll let that be known so they can grab her if someone has to have you for a bit while ill." She stared at him. "Jacques and his hypothetical twin will have their notes updated as well." He hugged her around the shoulders then went to help Darcy by asking her which other lovers of his she had met. "He hugs nicely," she told Clint, who was making notes for her. She took the tablet to finish it off.
Hill came up to stare at them. "How did Lewis find out about him?"
"She walked into the wrong bar in London," Clint said dryly. "He tried to keep her."
"Can we have her talk to him about that supposed other self?"
Xander leaned out of the kitchen. "I'm pretty sure Morris is a twin but he might be an MPD thing. I think they were in different cities last year though." He grinned at her. "And I need to thank the other ex that saved her from Jacques and his drugs of permanent addiction and brain changes. I'd hate to destroy someone for that, Hill." She shuddered, backing up a step. He grinned again. "I need to make sure my ex's all appreciate Darcy as my sister since Dura thought she was my girlfriend earlier."
"Dura's new group is considered cute but deadly," Clint said, looking back at him. "They're not against violence if they have to, which is why she split from Aria's group. Aria uses a lot more subterfuge and spy skills than Dura's group can." He checked that wire but it was inside a glass still. He looked at Natasha. Who shook her head.
"Xander, I was wondering. Do your ex's have some sort of bulletin board they can check in on in case Darcy starts to worry about you again?" Jane asked. Hill moaned.
"I was thinking they might have an email group," Darcy agreed.
Xander hugged them both. "I know there's a bulletin board they can find things on but I have no idea where it is. Sorry." He went back to Darcy's apartment, grinning about his baby sister and her warping ways.
"I need to find that in case I have to find him again," Darcy told Jane, who punched her on the arm but took her coffee back to her lab. "Jane, nap time. You promised to sleep today because you have that dinner tonight."
"Oh, yeah. That thing." She grimaced but headed for bed. It was a science heavy charity dinner for scholarships at a local college.
"We'll make sure you have security tonight," Clint called after her.
"Thanks, Barton."
Clint looked at Darcy, who shrugged. "Gala?"
"Charity dinner for scholarships at NYU."
"Okay. I can make sure she has someone." He looked at Hill, who sighed but nodded she'd assign someone as she went back to her office.
Darcy came out to hug him around the head. "Thanks. I'd hate for Jane to get taken and have to rescue her." She went to bother her brother some more. He needed more fun and so did she. They needed to go do something more fun. Even if they did run into aliens like they had last time.
"Do you remember when SHIELD was considered safe and boring?" Clint asked Natasha, who nodded quickly. "Was it the Avengers that changed that or Thor landing?"
"I think it was Stark coming to notice." She stared at him. "Stark is never boring, even these days when Pepper tries very hard."
"Point. But I was still bored then."
"You were in New Mexico. I doubt you could've been Pepper's flirty, sultry assistant."
"I can be a fantastic assistant and flirty," he complained, scowling. "I might not have had Stark flirt with me at his birthday party but I could've been flirty enough for him."
"I can ask him," she offered.
"Hey, Stark," he called, getting connected through the AI. "Settle an argument. Natasha thinks I can't be flirty enough to have taken her place as Pepper's assistant."
Stark sighed that special tired sounding sigh that usually only Harris got. "Pepper's never had a male assistant but I'm sure you can be flirty enough for that sort of assignment. I wouldn't have flirted back but I'm sure you could've."
"Clint actually can do drag," Natasha said with a smirk for him. "He did for an assignment and I had to do a double-take to realize it was him."
"Pictures?" Pepper asked from the same connection. "I could use a hidden assistant sometimes. They know who Natasha is. Even if she dyed her hair they still recognized her and it scared the ones I had to do meetings with last time. Even though they were part-time problems."
"I'll see if I can dig them up from SHIELD's files," Natasha said. "Thank you, Pepper."
"Welcome, you two. What else is going on?"
"Some of the ex's that Xander hates tried to flirt with Darcy back in London. One today tried to flirt but she was one of Aria's girls until she started her own group."
"Ah, that sort. I remember when they invaded."
"I don't know if Darcy can do slinky like their girls do," Natasha admitted. "She's often too covered up."
"Hey, Darcy," Clint yelled. She came to the end of the hallway. "Have you done slinky like Aria's girls do?"
She blushed. "No comment but yes. I had a job as a strip-o-gram in my first college semester. And I did a halloween as a playboy bunny waitress. I made mad tips that night for almost no duties." She went back to her apartment.
"So she can do the clothes, we'd have to see if she could do the slinky nature," Natasha decided.
Clint stared at her. "You really need that vacation they're sending you on." Natasha smirked back. "Before you try to dress me and Darcy up like your slinky backup team."
"You could do that. She...I'd have to work on her training."
"You could probably use a rest," Pepper's voice said. "You should rest before we have to save Jane tonight." Natasha snickered but did go to her apartment to make plans. If Darcy needed training to protect herself, she and Clint could handle that.
***
Dawn showed up, holding up a decorated jar with a sealed topper. "Darcy?" Darcy grinned at her. "Why did Groot's people hand this to me to protect?"
"Why would I know? I barely got to meet Groot."
"They said Xander had handed it to Gamora for some reason and without explanation."
"No clue. Oh, little brother," she called loudly. He groaned from the bathroom. "He's having cheese issues that mean he's been in there for over a half-hour."
"He could be texting with someone," Dawn said as she sat down.
"He can do that in front of me. That way more of them don't want to take me in to be part of their harem with Xander."
"Eww," Dawn said, shaking her head with a sigh.
"Well, a few wanted us in the same harem. The rest gave up when they realized we're related but there's still ones that don't know about me and think I'm his girlfriend."
"There's a few who think *I'm* his girlfriend," Dawn said dryly, smirking at her. "Even when I was underage. One of them tried to take me from Spike one night and lost a lot." Xander came out wiping his hands off. "Why did I get given the urn?"
Xander stared them grinned. "Gamora didn't want to guard her stepdaddy?"
Dawn blinked a few times. "Exsqueeze me?"
Xander grinned, kissing her on the forehead. "Evil. Purple. Fuck." He grabbed the urn to look at it. "Still sealed with the god eater demons." He handed it back. "If it gets out people are probably screwed."
"Um...did Gamora know that?"
"Yeah, I told her."
"Huh." She nodded once. "Sorcerer Strange, I summon thee!" she shouted, casting at him. Wong appeared with a squeak, staring at her. "Sorry, Wong, meant to get the higher guy. He busy?"
Wong stared at her. The Three Chaoses were together again, this was probably bad. "He's out of his body mediating with a demon war. Is there a huge problem?"
Xander pointed at the urn with a naughty grin. "The evil purple fuck is trapped with a trio of god eating demons who got trapped because they were fighting over the same boyfriend."
Wong stared at him. Yup, he was right, this was bad. "What?"
Xander grinned and nodded. "I asked if they minded and they said it'd be good to have something to do besides pick on each other and create temporary harem members for them to share."
Wong stared at the jar then at him. "That should be more safely stored than Dawn can do."
"Which is why I summoned the sorcerer of the bad cape," Dawn quipped, smirking at him. "I brought it over here to see what it was. I had no idea it was that dangerous, Xander."
"Why did they send it to you?"
"She didn't say why. Though they were probably in danger of having it broken or something." It rocked. "Is that normal?"
"Watch me shove a higher level demon in there," he warned the urn. "I know someone who has a high level minion of hell trapped." The urn moaned. "Okay." He called someone. "Can I have that trapped being? Yeah, that one. To amuse the god eaters I have trapped with the great intergalactic purple threat. Yup, him," he said happily. "I'm pretty sure that they can keep Thanos busy." Wong flinched. Xander grinned and shrugged a bit. "I asked them first and they agreed they could use a playmate."
"He's pathetic and thinks he's better than us," the urn said in a female voice. "He's very wrong and about to be castrated. We can have someone else play with him so we don't have to take turns."
Xander looked at the phone he had let hear that complaint. "Thanks, George." He hung up and a minute later two small bells appeared. He put them on the urn, letting them suck in the other demons. One screamed and tried to get away but didn't manage it. It got sucked in too. "There, higher level minions of hell. Azazel and the Minotaur of Helet."
Wong stared at him. "That one is from another realm."
"Yep. Ran into him when I was rescuing George from the wannabe Valkyries who were delusional. They thought they were warriors, and couldn't fight." Dawn moaned, shaking her head. "We trapped Azazel because of that show, Darce." He grinned at her. "We figured it might try to take ideas from it so we captured it before it could. The sex rite worked really well to do that."
"Can you write that down for later sorcerers to learn from?" Wong asked.
"Of course," Xander agreed with a grin. "I've already got a journal of that. Darcy can give to your order when I die."
"Thank you," Wong agreed. "We'd like to keep such knowledge for later sorcerers."
"Not a problem. I found it on a wacky wiccan's site." Xander shrugged a bit. "They have a lot of weird spells that do seem to work when you try them." The urn rattled on the table. "Keep it up, go back into the cave of No Finding and No Ends." It quit moving. He grinned at Wong. "I was searching out a vampire clan in Nairobi. That was what the locals called that cave system with a lot of pretty crystals."
"Were there other artifacts in there?"
"Yup. Their people tended to put anything they captured in there. All but one, which got broken by another watcher who decided he could banish the damn thing, are all in Cleveland's backup vault."
"Which is part of the stuff I put into a closet during the last emergency," Dawn said, leaning back. The urn tried to smoke. "Watch me send you into space or send you to the in-between dimension via Jane Foster's portal and the tentacle friends." The smoke pulled back in. "We need to seal that better."
Xander looked then got a candle to light and pour the wax onto the lid to reseal it. He found a pencil to draw in the warm wax to do the sealing marks he knew. Dawn added two more. Darcy got a box that had some of those to make sure they didn't need more of them.
Wong put his own personal seal on it and took it with him back to the sanctum. Where he had a shuddering fit before getting some tea. He had to watch that urn until the sorcerer got back. No one had told him there were chaos sources like those three. When the Sorcerer woke up he held up the urn. "Two higher level evil minions added to be playmates to the three god eater demons who agreed to trap Thanos in there with them. Xander trapped them and whoever had it gave it to Dawn to guard."
The sorcerer stared at it then sighed. "Dawn's part?"
"It was too unsafe to stay with her in Spain apparently. Which I fully agree with." The urn muttered about pretty Spanish girls so Wong glared. "Watch me help Harris find that cave system you were originally stored in." It shut up. "The others he found are in the backup vault for the Council."
"We can find them and put them safely into the newly created void filled closets. That accident may come in very handy." Wong handed over his current mug of tea, getting a smile. "Thank you for that, Wong. The trio of chaos?"
"Could still be at Miss Darcy's apartment."
"Ah." He nodded, walking off to check those closets that had been infected with void portals. The urn got put into one and notes made on it. Wong handed over the report on the hand-over and what else he had learned for the book's records. The sorcerer stared at it. "This site?"
"I did not ask. I have no idea why a sexual magical rite managed to summon two higher level demons. Nor do I want to but he did say he'd hand over his journal with that information when he died." He grinned. "This is why I'm not the Sorcerer Supreme." He walked off to go rest.
"I didn't know what the job was either," he muttered as he finished the notes. "I really must see if Harris will take lessons in proper magic. It might solve some of his chaotic tendencies."
***
Darcy looked at Xander that night while they were watching the movie night show with the others. "How many more things do you have stored?" she asked quietly. "That was like the third."
"The house I inherited in lower France has a few I think. I've only walked past it once."
"Oh, okay." She leaned on his arm, sharing her popcorn with him. Stark looked over at them. "Highly big thing he had trapped earlier. We handed it to Wong."
"What big thing?" Stark demanded. He paused the movie. "How high on the demonic hierarchy was that one?"
"Three god eating demons agreed to trap Thanos forever with them. Though they said he's got delusions of abilities and he's a woose."
Stark blinked a few times. "Where is it right now?"
"Sorcerer Supreme," the siblings said together with a point toward that house.
"Like the purple bad guy we have visions of attacking?" Clint asked.
Xander grinned and nodded. "Which is why I had him trapped. That way I'd quit having the visions that showed half of everyone turn to dust." Clint shuddered. "The three god eaters were nice enough to take him in for me. And today they wanted some more playmates because he was pathetic so I gave them the ones I trapped with George. Frankie didn't answer or I would've used his."
Darcy looked up at him. "We should search that house."
"I would but it's got a very strong portal to the DPP office. And a few other problems. I don't feel like taking a week to clean it up which ends up being fifty years out here."
She patted him on the arm, going back to her cuddle. "Maybe someday then." He nodded, getting comfy with her. "Restart the movie, Stark?" He did that with a groan, leaning back to cover his face with his hand. He hadn't realized how literal face palming was before meeting the Lewis and a half over there.
The End
A Lewis and a Half