Notes: Starts before the warding works in part 22.
Hunters Making Weird Plans to Save Everyone.
Cable sat down across from Xander. "Explain what happened to me when Wade stole my time device."
Xander winced but nodded. "A demon showed up, a higher level demon, to claim Vanessa to protect her supposedly. Apparently someone wanted to hurt Wade that much. I'm pretty sure it's the same one that showed up to shoot her. They weren't aiming anywhere near him from what I saw when I helped him clean up the mess after the explosion," he said quietly, checking around them. "The one that has her, we can probably talk to but Wade's tried and wouldn't say what happened. If I knew how to get to him to get her free, I'd do it."
"I get that. I'd do that too." Cable relaxed, frowning as he thought. "Is she trapped like a genie?"
"She's in a giant crystal."
Cable nodded slowly. "So she's safe but not here."
"She's safe and probably can stay that way forever if she needs to. If I knew which demon I could look it up. I've let Wade look them up but he didn't ask for help."
"He didn't ask me either. Can we go help?"
"I don't know. I don't know which one it was. If we did, I might go talk to them myself. Or ask a poker debt."
"Damn it," he muttered. "So we're wondering why he's not?"
"He may be counting on her being safe through the upcoming battle," Xander said. "I have no idea. He won't talk to me about it. Which I get, that's personal stuff." Wade stomped in to glare at him. He stared back. "If you'd let me help, I would."
"I have to handle two things to get her back."
Xander frowned. "Did you make a deal?"
"Huh. That's.... hell, he's trying to...." He got up and went to get a book, bringing it back. "Point him out?"
"He was in the blue book." Xander flipped until he came to one, holding it up. Wade nodded, taking the book to read. He winced at what he saw. "So he's going to not give in?"
"Oh, he can be made to," Xander said dryly. "And we can get her from him too. What he's doing is trying to pull you in to offer you a job. She'd be a reward for signing on and you'd both be changed over."
"Like hell," Cable said. "Can I help?"
Xander shook his head. "Not this time. This is big D demon, a higher level that wants to take out a lot of the light."
"I'm not the shiny warrior knight you are," Wade said.
Xander stared at him. "Neither am I, Wade. When you sleep with and then take out an arms dealer to get his collection of weapons you're not really considered a good guy. I'm considered a gray knight usually by those who know me."
Wade stared at him. "If you kill the demon it'll kill her."
"Or we could take the crystal she's in and take her to a healer, so she survives."
"That could kill her to get her away from him, Xander."
"That demon's an idiot, Wade, and the spell probably has to be renewed." Wade winced at that. He looked up something else then sent a note through his little mailbox. He got back one while he was pulling down books, grabbing that book from the stack. "Here. Cursebreaker me had an idea. It takes a Prince level demon to create an eternal statue that way. That demon's barely in the hierarchy."
"The statues you made of the vampires?" Cable asked.
"Two years tops. But I've also rigged the statues to explode when they unfreeze." He looked at Wade. "We'll help if you want us to. Us, Weasel probably would, Domino would."
"I know." He sat down to read up on that demon. And that idea. He frowned. "Can we get it broken?"
"We need three major items to do that ourselves. And she'll probably need a healer. If I'm right, she's basically like a sleepwalker. She's not fully awake or asleep." Wade winced. "Two of the mythical things I know where they are. I haven't tried for them because it would bring some notice to me finding mystical artifacts. I could ask a goddess in Africa for a map to the third one. You could ask too, she might do it more for you since it's your love life." He sat down across from his buddy. "It'll take a month."
"Which brings us near that battle," Cable said. "What if we wait?"
"At least one of us might be dead?" Xander guessed. "You'd have to get Dawn to find them." Both guys nodded at that. "I can go steal one from Strange today if I need to."
"We can get his last," Cable said. "It's safe there until it's needed."
"Or we could go use the wish meteor to get the one that's in a mythical city and the map to the other one." He stared at Wade. "We'll gladly help. I'd hate to have to take you out if he turns you. And I'd never live down taking out Vanessa, Wade."
He slumped but nodded as he put the book down. "Not sure if he could turn me."
"Yeah, he can. Your self healing would be a benefit. One less step you'd have to take to work your way up the corporate ladder."
"I'm not really corporate material," Wade shot back, glaring at him.
Xander leaned back, staring at him. "Why would that matter to them? They could find you work you wouldn't mind to take out each others' minions, Wade." Wade slumped again. "So let us help you get Vanessa free. If I have to I can ask one of the ones I know for help."
"I... she'd hate that."
"I doubt they'd want her. She's way too damn nice." Wade burst out laughing. "Seriously. I doubt they'd want someone who couldn't play politics as a concubine. Even if they're looking for wives Hell has more intrigue than a spy novel series. Their spouses would have to handle all that well and look good on them doing it. Can Vanessa do that?"
"No," Wade agreed, relaxing again. "They could try to claim her."
"I can ask for help without letting that happen, and if they try anyway then we can handle it. Two of us do use sharp, pointy things that can behead."
"True," Cable agreed. "What if they tried to switch her out or something."
"I'm pretty sure Wade would realize it."
Wade nodded. "Probably, yeah." He looked at Cable. "Are you having visions now?"
"Not yet. I hope not ever." He looked at Xander again. "Any visions about this?"
"No. Not a one. So either there's no battle or it's not a super bad one like the minor one coming up in Peoria will be." He shifted to cross his feet. "All you have to do is complain at us and we'd gladly step in to help. I've been holding myself from nagging you to let me help. We hate seeing you so miserable."
Wade slumped, staring at him. "I want to save her myself."
"Even if I'm the one that gets her out of the crystal I'd throw her at you and then duck behind Cable so she wouldn't realize it was me."
Wade grinned slightly. "Thanks, Xander."
"Welcome. All you have to do is spew and we'll jump in. That's why we're hero studs, Wade."
Cable snorted. "I'm not a hero."
"Yet," Xander quipped with a grin. He looked at Wade again. "Muffy is looking for you."
"Crap. I don't have my swords." He went to get them and came back to let the mini slayer pounce him once she got home. He could research until then.
Xander looked at Cable, shrugging some. He got one back. They'd help Wade when they could.
Xander dug into his supplies he had brought back from Africa that night. It was all in a storage area so he was locked in there digging through his bags, boxes, and his jeep. He found most of what he wanted in the boxes. The one thing he'd really need was still in the jeep. He repacked it with what they'd need. Including ropes, MRE's, water canteens and a filter system to fill them with. He had everything but personal belongings and one thing that would make the trip possible and safer.
"I always wondered why they thought I had handled that one group," he muttered to himself as he tied things down. He opened the storage area's door and backed the jeep out, then got out to close and relock it, going to pay for a few more months' storage fees. The demons that ran the storage area were staring at the jeep. Xander grinned. "I gotta help someone find something that could be important." The demon slumped. Xander winked. "I'm taking Deadpool with me though."
"That'll be fun," the demon in the office called. "We'll let others know so you can find out about the betting."
"Thanks." He winked at the female demon taking down his fees. She blushed and giggled. "It'll be cool. We'll handle it." He walked off, driving the jeep back to the house via the place he got new t-shirts and jeans. And a new pair of hiking boots. His were worn out and getting a hole. He hadn't found someone to fix the soles yet. So he was all packed. He made it back to the slayer house, listening as he walked in. The girls were all asleep or had vanished to Columbia's house to hang out with the girls down there who had just had a huge breakup with their husbands, who were now together thanks to the demon who had prompted it, and they needed cuddles with their kids. Xander accessed the convention realm, going to Dumass Castle. He walked out the doorway there, grinning and nodding at Draco. "Is your me here?"
"In the office, studying something boring," he said blandly with a hand wave. "Which one are you?"
"The one with the treasure hunting affinity." He winked as he walked that way. "Hey." Alexander Dumass looked up and grinned. "Two things." He came in and shut the door. "Did you get those holy relics?" he asked quietly.
"I went to get them and they agreed they needed to be hidden. Our bank was not amused but agreed they needed to be hidden," he said, leaning back to stare at him. "That was a bold plan."
"Wolfram and Hart were busy taking them out to make sure that demon could be called back. I don't want to fight it and it's not right what they're doing to them. Now they won't want to kill the last few of them anymore."
"I agree, it's a good idea," Dumass said. "That's not why you really came though, is it?"
Xander grinned and shook his head. "Can I bum a map to Varlfax?"
Dumass blinked a few times. "Why would you want to go there?"
"Dumbass demon has a friend's fiancee in a huge crystal so he can make my buddy do things for him."
"And it's the same guy I brought to freak out at the last convention."
"Awww, fuck!" he complained.
"Yup, which is why I need to get to Varlfax so I can use their doorway to the temple. Unless you know of an easier way?"
"No, not really. We all avoid thinking about that city."
"I'd like to forget it too," Xander quipped. "Not likely though." Dumass sighed. "I was going to ask to borrow your monthly time turner for a bit too?" he asked hopefully. "It'd make it safer."
"Um...yeah, that I don't mind but the spell would mean you couldn't get into the city. The wards would keep out any magic."
"In my realm, I've been there before, and under a curse at the time. Sorletta made me go gather some of the water from the fountain for her daughter's baptism so she'd take off the curse that Rosenburg put on me. Not that she didn't want to smite Willow anyway, she had caused a huge problem by cursing everyone in a marketplace, but she really wanted the water for her daughter's baptism." He shrugged but grinned. "And she said she couldn't do it for free, even if she wanted to. It'd set a bad precedent."
"Ours you can't get near if you have magic."
"Send that Danny guy? He doesn't have magic and he'd be happy if he found the main doorway to the Temple of Bliss."
"I should offer it to him." He grinned, getting up to go down to the cavern. He came back with the specially changed time turner that had once brought Angel's team with Luna Lovegood back in time to save LA from Wolfram and Hart's idiocy. "Don't break it."
"I'll try." He took it to put into his pants pocket. "Any helpful hints on the magic to cure and free her? Or should I go to Us Weasley?"
"Go to the happy pranker. He's been complaining everything's boring and grandkids."
Xander grinned at him. "Grandkids are great. You can hand them back after you warp them." They shared a smirk. "Let me go do that. Thanks, man." He gave him a hug with a slap on the back then left to go home. He walked out. Wade was there with his jeep keys. "Go pack a bag."
"We don't have the time, Xander." Xander held up the time turner, making Wade moan. Xander grinned. "How? That's not real, it's a book."
"You met two of me that live in Harry Potter universes," Xander quipped. "This little baby actually saved LA at one time. And let Luna Lovegood learn how to be Street."
So damn weird," Deadpool said then took off his mask. "Will we really have time?"
"Yeah. We'll have time. I might even figure out why I took out a pirate group that I never went near according to the records." Wade rolled his eyes but went to pack. "Get Nate too." He called London's house, grinning at her. "I've got to help Wade save his fiancee. So I'll be out of touch for a few days at least. Can you heathen sit?"
"I'm full up with heathens," she admitted, patting the one in her lap on the back. "This is a neighbor's sister."
He grinned. "We have Bruno for that. Unfortunately Penny's due in three months."
"Fine. I can send Gloria to do that."
"Okay. That'll work. Thanks. Have fun hellion sitting and show her American PBS stuff. Kids love it and her big brother or whoever would freak out at telitubbies." He hung up with a mean smirk.
In London, Kennedy looked at Eggsy's sister. "He's kinda weird. Never date a guy like Xander. He'll be good to you but drive you nuts." She did pull up PBS shows though. It might keep her happy for a bit without having to cuddle her. The girl squealed and stared at the weird creatures on the video.
When Eggsy showed up later to get his sister, she stared up at him looking very serious. "Po," she said with a nod and a pat of her belly.
"I have no idea who that is," he said with a grin. She patted her belly again. "Hungry then?" he hoped. Kennedy hit the remote to rerun the last show. He watched for a few minutes then glared at Kennedy. "Mum'll yell at you for that." She just smirked and wiggled her fingers at him. "Yup, you make a great Po," he told his sister, picking her up to take her home. "We'll show Mum. Maybe she'll help you go as Po for halloween."
"Does that mean the rest of us aren't going to be tortured by PBS anymore?" one of the teenage slayers called down the stairs.
"Give me hell and that'll be the only station we get," Kennedy said. Suddenly, the girls really wanted to clean their rooms, do their chores, and one broke up with the boyfriend that Kennedy had sneered at. So yeah, it was an inspired plan by Xander.
Xander looked at them once the jeep with them in it landed in Africa. "We have to go through four places that don't technically exist. I sent us back an extra month because one only appears during the new moon and getting through the one before it is slow going." He grinned at Nathan, who was slumped and staring at him. "We have four months before we left to get about six hundred miles in reality and about sixty thousand in semi-real acreage.
"In the jeep we have some food, water canteens and filters, and a thing that'll make some limited food once every three days. It'd do more if we were girls but we're not." He shrugged but grinned. "And I'm driving before anyone remarks. I have the map." He waved it. Nathan took it to look over, frowning at the squiggles on it. "Those are not-in-this-reality areas." He pointed. "We're heading to Varlfax to hit their doorway to the Temple of Bliss so we can get the harder to get thing first. One Strange has on his desk pretending to be a statue. The other one's in the stupid collector in China's hands." He grinned. "So let's head?"
"Let's go," Wade agreed, climbing into the back. He could lounge back here. Cable got into the passenger's seat. Xander took the map to look at then flipped it right side up. Wade took it to look at then turned it sideways. Xander pointed at a marking on it for north and then pulled out his compass. They headed in the right direction, to the west.
Cable looked at Wade then at Xander. "Do we know much about this place?"
"I've been there once. A demon goddess tasked me with getting water from the fountain for her upcoming kid's baptism so she'd take off the curse Rosenburg put on a whole market." He grinned at them. "It's not hard to get into. It's just really hard to find."
"So a city full of demons?"
"Who're protectively out of time," Xander agreed. He spun the jeep to get around something in the road. "Hit that with a rock, guys. That's a mine." Cable grabbed one and threw it at the mine, setting it off. "Thanks." He got back in and they drove off again. It was going to be a long month. "I added a few books in the back too, Wade. And a few comic books I got off comic owning Xander and copied from Lavelle." Wade turned to dig them out, catching something that tried to float off before it could. It got tucked back in and he settled in to read the Cable and Deadpool comic books, giggling at it. Xander shot Cable a grin. "He's kinda amazed you made it so long here without starting your own country."
"My own country?" Cable demanded. He turned and took the book from Wade, who handed him a later one that had him standing on an older looking metal city area. They settled in to read while Xander drove. They got to stop off on one of the mini slayers that night to rest in her village, and ended up taking out a problem she'd been fighting with for days. That was about how Xander traveling went though.
Cable looked at the village they had stopped in for a rest break/gas break as a lot of the village ran away from them. He looked at Wade.
"I don't look that scary today. Xander?" he asked patiently. They'd seen plenty of people run from Xander in the past but not most of a village.
Xander shrugged, standing up to look at one worried looking shop keeper. "Who do you think I am that made them run?" he asked in Swahili.
The man blinked a few times. "You're the guy who killed the demon taking out the king."
"Oh! That." He nodded. "Unless the demon moved here somehow I'd never take out normal people. Quit running like I'm the bad guy."
The man relaxed and forced himself to smile. "Are we going to have a problem?"
"We're traveling on the way to somewhere else. It's time to get out and stretch our legs, get more gas, all that stuff." He got out, going to talk to someone at the head of the village's house. It was guarded by armed guards. "People, just because I took out something huge doesn't mean I'm the bad guy and I won't be doing anything here. We're just pausing for gas and stuff." The guard said something quietly. Xander shrugged. "I only handle problems. Is he causing a huge problem?" The guards shook their heads. "Then who said I handle everything?"
"The news," the other one said.
"No! I only handle *problems*. There's a *huge* peaceful community I like a lot. I play poker with them, I hang out with some of them, and they've helped the slayers immensely."
"You're a watcher?" one of the guards nearer to the door said.
"Yeah, I'm the head guy in New York. Hi, Xander Harris," he said with a grin. "I only handle problems that demons bring. Most of the time. A few times....they were about to cause a problem." He shrugged. "Better to take out a problem about to open a portal for an invasion than handle the invasion, guys." They all nodded. "You can tell others that too. I hate watching people run from me like I'm evil. I'm only evil if my slayers don't let me sleep or eat for days on end." The guards smiled and nodded.
"Thanks. We're breaking for a gas and stretch break, guys. You can tell the paranoid demon in the house that I'd never come near him or touch him if he wasn't evil. I only handle evil things." He walked off, going back to the market. He found a crying kid and squatted down to look at him. "What happened?" He looked up, looking scared. Xander stared back. "What happened?" he asked again.
"There's a monster."
"No, I'm not a monster. I only handle bad things. You only have to worry about me if you're trying to take out a lot of people." He wiped the kid's cheeks off with a grin. "Never worry about me unless you're a bad guy." The kid sniffled, getting up to run off. He looked at a merchant he knew traveled. He had bought a shirt from him once. "What's going on?"
"We have a white guy claiming to be you," he said with a smile. "He's an imbecile too."
"Oh, great. Well, we're going near Ethiopia if you want to send him to me." He grinned. "I'd *love* to meet the guy." The merchant shivered but nodded. "Thanks. You can tell them that the guy doesn't have even a bit of my class. Or my eye problem." He walked off after buying some fruit to hand to the guys. "There's someone cosplaying as me, guys." They groaned. "Trying to take my rep and everything. Bet me that'll work." He bit into his apple, chewing slowly.
Someone came running at him with a spear and a shriek. "Hey, Han." He waved at her. "Find the guy pretending to be me and introduce us?" She lunged at him so he caught her around the waist and kissed her, taking the spear from her hand when she went limp. "Hey." He grinned. "I'm actually on an important trip." He took another kiss, making her moan again. He winked at her once he pulled back. "If you find that wannabe me, you let us know, okay?" He grinned. "I wanna talk to the guy cosplaying as me."
She whimpered. "He's not any good at it and the demons have taken him out recently."
"Awww, that's sweet of them. Someone hoping they got me and got him instead?" She nodded. "Oh well. Should've cosplayed someone from an anime instead," he quipped. He kissed her again. "This is Wade and Nathan. I'm helping them find something important."
"Awww," she said, nodding and smiling at them. "Xander is quite a warrior. He has beaten me a number of times in combat so he is a worthy man."
"And still infertile," Xander quipped.
"Which is a pity. You are a man I could appreciate as a husband and I would enjoy helping your slayers." She took her spear back and strolled off smiling.
Xander grinned at his buddies. "She's second in a tribe of new amazons." Wade turned and thumped his head on the side of the jeep. Nathan went to buy some more fruit and some drinks. Maybe they had beer. Xander got in to drive to the gas station. Wade followed Nathan so he had some sanity. They were seeing a whole new side of Xander on this trip. They weren't sure this Xander was sane, in fact Wade was pretty sure Xander might be more nutty than he was, but it was definitely not the uptight, overprotective Xander that lived in New York most of the time. Or battle Xander. He was a lot more uptight than this traveling Xander.
"Quit humming the Jeopardy theme!" Cable and Deadpool both yelled.
The slayer they were working with burst out giggling and leaned on Cable's arm to laugh into it. She looked up at him. "He does that when he has to disarm something." She walked off giggling. "Xander, are you going to make him bend over like that incubus did to moon you?"
"Nope," he said as he worked. "But I'm taking this baby with me. We can probably use it in a few months." He backed away and pulled out the explosives then the rest of the bomb to put separately into the trunk area of the jeep. "All right. Go rescue your sister. They need to be more scared of you." She stared at him. "I can do it but I can guarantee I'll hate telling the local cops I had to beat him to death." She snorted but went in there. The family of the guy who had kidnaped her sister started to complain so Xander walked in there and walked both girls out, with one of the guy's sisters. "Hold them for me please." He went back in there and said something quietly. The mother tried to hit him so he pushed her down and the fight was on between the son, the father, and him. And he would win it with a few bruises.
Xander came out blowing on his knuckles. He looked at the kidnaper's sister. "Find better relatives before they let you be stolen by some asshole," he told her quietly. "No woman deserves that." She nodded, running for the nearby church. Xander grinned at the girls. "Take her home. Let me talk to some locals." They nodded and fled for their lives. "Let me go have a reality talk with them. Be right back." He strolled off, catching the huffy minister's arm as he walked past him and dragged him with him to the police station.
Two of the officers flinched and ran out of the room but the higher up gritted his teeth and had to listen to Xander complain about that action, and about how that meant that the local slayer would have to leave their village alone forever to protect her own family. He hoped they all had good fighters who could behead things. The higher up complained about that but the minister agreed that kidnaping young women to force them into a relationship was wrong. God did not approve of such things, they were the ancient ways that made them look like savages. Xander grinned at him.
"You are an interloper."
"No, I'm the guy who used to be the head watcher in Africa. I'm on my way to handle something and had to waylay my trip to help my slayer." He grinned smugly. "Because no men around here would help her rescue her fifteen-year-old sister." He waved a hand around. "You'd better learn how to protect yourselves. My slayer won't be coming back to this town unless it means humanity is lost." He walked off. The minister tried to rant at him but Xander just waved back at him as he walked. The minister tried to throw accusations at him about wanting the girls for himself, probably to sell off.
His slayer hadn't gone that far and stepped out of the shadows to yell and scream at him about how he had failed God and how Xander had saved people, that minister and the local officers were the evil sort who raped women and sold them. She stomped off after agreeing they'd have to protect themselves. She and her sister slayers were never coming to that town again even if it meant humanity all died with them.
She stomped off calling her reporting in contact in the government. They heard her ranting at him. Later they saw a few military higher ups in to talk to the minister and that higher level officer. Hopefully that solved it since the masked one with the sword and the guy with the metal arm had stopped the demon trying to stop them from rescuing her sister while Xander had handled the more mundane things.
That night, Wade looked across the campfire at Xander. "How soon before we hit the outside areas?"
"Six more hours of driving then we get turned around to head through that realm to the other side, which is a good three days worth of driving, to come out the other side, a half day of resting then through the next one that's about six steps outside the first." They nodded. "The only road that goes through that one has one end this way and if you're not on the road you're completely unrelated to time and space. You could end up anywhere. That's how I ended up on Asgard once. The second one's a short few hours of driving. Then we're out, have about two days of driving with a stop in the dwarves' village if we can. They asked politely to look at my hellmouth necklace once but I needed it then." They both nodded at that. "Then we're into the last few, which are chained together. We'll come out with a week of traveling to there."
"Couldn't we have landed nearer to there?" Wade asked. "Like fly to a nearby city and get out?"
"The entry keys are in the off-area realms," Xander said, shrugging some. "Someone like Strange might be able to do that but I can't get in there without the entry keys." Cable sighed but nodded. "The good news is that we should only run into two more of my slayers and maybe one ex that's moved this way recently. One of them should be off teaching the young ones down here to do their survival lessons. And it's not the drought season so we're not low on water and high on heat." Cable grunted and nodded at that. "It should be pretty uneventful once we hit the road again." Wade nodded at that. "The last stop for real markets and real stores is tomorrow. The smallish city area has a real mall."
"We went through one of the areas," Wade said.
"Yup, we did. That place where the sand was all rosy gold was one," Xander agreed, grinning at him. "Which is why they can't get to the youngest slayer. She's in a town that's been swallowed up by it." She's safe until she comes out to take up her duties if she wants to."
"That's good then," Wade said. He pulled up a map from Google on his phone, looking at it. "If you were like a super strong magic person where would you go?" Xander looked and enlarged it then pointed at an area. "There's no towns there."
"There's no towns on the maps there," Xander corrected. "Most demon towns aren't on any maps. On purpose." Wade nodded he knew about that. "A lot of those communities are highly amused that the western ones are more in the open about existing. Then again, the ones in the US and Europe run a lot less risk of being killed."
"It's reasonable to exclude yourself that way to protect yourself," Cable agreed. They both looked at the food giving horn thing. It produced weird fruit from a demon realm they didn't want to think about but Xander didn't show any effects from eating it. Wade couldn't be killed by weird fruit so he tried a few things. They were slightly bitter until cooked. Cable wasn't that brave. He'd eat the MRE's they carried. They settled around the fire for the night, Wade on first watch.
Cable looked at Xander after he had taken out a huge demon that had stomped up to them to complain about Wade doing this thing instead. "Does that happen a lot around you?"
"The last time I beheaded a member of his family they were complaining about me training slayers. How working with the girls was heresy according to their ways of life. They're like the women at the mall who complain about people buying weird things." He shrugged and grimaced. "If they'd just leave me alone I'd gladly do the same thing." He heard a giggle and sighed as he turned to face the goddess. "Hi." He walked over to kiss her on the cheek. "I'm not gong to be anywhere near your temple this trip if there's a problem."
"I came to talk to the one that the higher ups wanted to change over."
"Not my thing," Wade told her. "I'm just trying to get my girlfriend free, ma'am." He could feel power coming off her. She was worse than Rosenburg when the witch had leaked power so she was clearly powerful. He didn't want to annoy her until he knew if she was a problem. With the way she was trying to cuddle Xander, she might be evil. He looked at Cable then at the being. "Can we have Xander back please?"
She pouted. "He gives good cuddles."
"Yes but I'm trying to rescue my girlfriend I lost and Cable's trying to mourn the wife and child he lost." She cooed and petted Cable too.
Xander looked up and got free. "Cable needs cuddles. The girls were always pouncing him to cuddle hm." He looked at Wade, who was frowning at hm. "What?"
"You look like you're high."
"She leaks pheromones." He looked at her. "So what sort of problem is it? I can call Mya's present trainer."
"No, dear. I came to check on you to see what you were doing." She stared at him then at Wade. "You know, many people would want Xander to find a real mate."
"He's not my Vanessa. Sorry." She pouted. "Sorry but I love Vanessa. She's been there for me through everything. Even if Xander can fight nightmares when you nap on his shoulder, we're not compatible in bed." Someone ran at them shouting and shooting. Wade hopped up and spun in midair to shoot them back, killing them. Xander clapped. Cable just groaned and shook his head. The goddess moaned and pressed her knees together. Wade grinned at her. "I know, I'm good."
Xander looked. "Hey, they're with that pirate group. We should loot but it's days out of the way. We won't have time. Pity." He sent a text message to someone, who complained back but agreed they could loot for the slayers. Xander looked up at the goddess. "You know, this means I can drool on Dwarven created weapons." He grinned.
She moaned again, leaning down to kiss him. "If you could wait for a day to make me happy, and yourself happy, then I could send you to the city itself."
"Don't I need the entry keys?" he asked.
She pouted. "Well, yes."
"And is there another way to get to the temple for Wade's girlfriend?"
"No. That's the only way," she pouted, staring at hm. "Even for just one night?"
He waved a hand at Cable and Wade. "I don't want to make them wait and we're already a day behind thanks to that stupid box getting me again. Maybe after the upcoming battle this fall?"
She sulked. "You might be dead then."
"We might all be dead then. I'll definitely need some time to recover and calm down if we don't die."
She considered it. "Can we do that?"
"Yeah. We can win. We have plans." She clapped her hands in happiness, smiling at him.
Wade was shaking his head quickly. She pouted at him. "Sorry, had a sudden cheerleader fantasy moment. You in the skimpy skirt, pantiless and the tight top." She cooed, picking him up to kiss him. He moaned and waved a hand but Xander couldn't get him free. When she finally let his lips go he looked at her. "I'm still trying to get my fiancé back."
"Not a wife?"
"She's been with me since before I found out I had cancer, before I got tortured and made to look so bad, and even after I took up being a mercenary, miss. I'm not going to give up Vanessa for anything. Not even with mind control from someone like Rosenburg."
"Shoot." She put him down and patted him on the head. "I could definitely use a man like you. The healing gift would come in handy as we pleasured each other. Xander was good but he can only go twelve hours."
Xander shrugged. "Even Xander needs sleep and eating. You wouldn't let me do either."
She pouted at him. "We can work on that stamina issue, Xander. You'll need it for a battle."
"Not until this fall and I need to get Wade there. Maybe afterwards?" She sighed but nodded, taking another kiss from him before disappearing. Xander flopped onto the ground, staring at Wade. "For being a love goddess she's really kinda hard to get off. Nine hours of oral sex...."
"With how large she is, wouldn't your whole face fit in there?" Wade guessed, considering it.
"Pretty much," Xander agreed with a nod. "Ask me some other time about her aunt. Who is down near South Africa." He stood up with a moan. "Okay, let's make up some time." They got into the jeep so they could drive off.
Cable was in the backseat, trying not to groan out loud about that. A Goddess was a bit too weird for him to deal with. Wade was smoking in the passenger's seat and trying not to stare at Xander while he drove.
"Guys, she was not the weirdest happy event in my time down here," Xander said dryly. "She was just kinda nice at it." Both guys sighed and shook their heads. "Thankfully we won't be running into them anytime soon. They're in Lesotho."
"Sure," Wade agreed. He lit a second cigarette from the first, throwing the butt out.
"Yeah," Cable quipped but closed his eyes to rest. Xander was so weird sometimes. They really had to help him get more normal sometime soon. After that battle, just in case they needed something weird during it.
Xander just grinned to himself. Poor Wade, he was used to being the most weird guy in any situation. Down here, Xander was a bit tough but not too weird. And hey, no spandex. People in Africa would really freak out at spandex superhero costumes.
Wade looked at his phone once they came out of another empty non-area. "Why are we on the other side of the continent?"
"Because we're not," Xander admitted. "The three feet of road between the two got borrowed from there." He drove them into the next area and this one was a lot shorter so it only took two hours to get out the other side.
Wade stared. "We're by Victoria Falls now? How?"
"Magical weirdness," Cable said, shaking his head quickly. "A lot of magical weirdness."
Xander nodded, leaning on the steering wheel. He turned off the engine. "We need to conserve gas." He looked at Wade. "We have two more spots. One's tiny and it's a step across, and we can get gas there, then we go into the last one, where the entry to the city is at the end." Wade nodded at that. "We've basically been over all the continent and once into Pakistan because that's where the road got borrowed from." He shrugged. "It happens but we need to get gas soon. If we get off the path, we'll get lost and have to start over."
"Let's go forward then," Cable agreed. It had been two weeks of traveling through weird areas.
"I'm wondering if Devil Dinosaur came from that one area," Wade said.
"Nope. That's their whole area in the south. Never been there and the dinos in that one area are sentient and can talk. I nearly brought one home thanks to the tiny slayer I had with me when I ran into that one. She thought it was a shoulder dragon like from the Pern books." He started the jeep and drove off again. They had to find gas soonish and the faster they got there the better. They could all use a motel too. They were tired of sleeping in the jeep.
They all needed a shower too. They stunk thanks to that dino that wanted to ask them about books they may have on hand that he could borrow. His hug had scented them.
Cable finished helping push the jeep into the gas station then sighed as he stood up. "Why couldn't we use the other gas can?"
"It's full of anointed oil in case we needed a fire," Xander said quietly. "It won't run the jeep." Wade groaned but leaned against the back of the jeep. Xander gathered the gas cans and filled them first then the jeep. Xander grinned and waved at the guy watching the station, saying hello in one of the native languages he knew. The guy answered back in French. Xander pouted. "Sorry, I only speak a few native ones and english." The guy went inside to get his helper, who could speak one of the local languages.
Xander chatted with him about how they were on a road trip to see cultural treasures, which he hadn't gotten to do when he was down here working. The guy agreed that was a good thing when you had the time to take a vacation. Xander paid him, adding a bit extra since he knew that white people paid more in smaller villages. The owner smiled at that. The guys used the bathroom then got into the jeep and headed off again.
The guys at the gas station shook their heads. They had no idea why the weird white guy was traveling with a superhero sort. Or who that guy with the scars was. He had seemed a bit creepy.
They shared that news with some friends on facebook, getting told who one of them was. So the weird white guy was traveling with two heros. Interesting. Later that night a military officer asked about the weird white guy and they realized that was probably a huge problem being handled. They went to their local church to throw up prayers of thanks for whatever new problem being somewhere else.
Xander got out of the jeep, looking at the guards standing guard. One of them sneered at him. "Not here for myself this time either."
"You are missing a key," one said smugly.
Xander looked then at them. "You added a new one?" They smirked and nodded. Xander sighed, walking over to run his fingers over the markings near that keyhole. Then he pulled his wand and went to get it, coming back quickly with a grin, holding it up. "This key?" They groaned but he inserted all the keys and turned them so the gateway opened. "Thanks, guys. Be back soon. Don't step on the jeep, it's got holy water and oil in the back." The guards groaned but got away from the jeep. Just in case it did something weird. Things like that happened around Harris.
Xander led the way into the city, nodding at a few demons he knew. "Cable, relax. We're not invading," he said patiently.
"I don't want kidnaped," Cable complained. "Someone might find me suitable to sacrifice."
Xander turned to walk backward to look at him. "Didn't know you were a virgin." Wade stopped him from tripping over a kid so he turned and grinned. "Hola, Mistress Sofia. Guys, this is Mistress Sofia, who is not as young as she looks. The highest of high of the hell born are all kid looking." He bowed to her.
"This is not what we expected you to do before a battle, Knight," the not-a-kid said.
Xander grinned. "Battle's not for six weeks."
"Hmm. Yes," she agreed. "Still, this is not where we expected you."
"And I'm only being a tour guide."
"Ah." She looked at Cable, who shook his head. "You are a worthy warrior."
"The Askani agree with you," he said quietly. Her eyes went wide. He grinned. "I'm protecting Wade."
She blinked up at him. "You're the one they wanted to straighten out the Knight." He nodded. "Then why did you come?"
"I'm not into him and I have a fiancee. I'm not going to give her up."
"Ah." She nodded again. "That is reasonable. You are a different form of Knight. The Temple might not want to admit any of you." She looked at Xander. "It is not meant for humans."
"Cable's not fully human. Wade's not a normal human. And I'm still me with mermaid and other taints from battles." He grinned while leaning down. "May we go, Mistress Sofia?"
"You may," she decided. "Watch my dolls. I'm making new cursed dolls. I should make one of you."
"Then we'll all die when Thanos appears. We have a plan."
"For that, we will not make a curse doll of you for a bit," she said, taking one doll out of the pile. She looked at Wade then took his out of the pile too. Cable just nodded at her as they walked past. "Interesting." She went to tell the higher ups of the city. They would be amused. Probably. The Knight did make quite a mess sometimes. Hopefully not this time though.
Xander led them to the doorway to the temple. "We're going here but we have to do ritual prep work. Which means a full shower, with herbs stuff, and putting on novitiate robes to make the request. That's basically like a toga." Wade groaned. "Their rules," Xander quipped. He led them to the nearby hostel. The old man checking them in was blind but nodded at them like they were worthy. "We go to pray," Xander said quietly.
"I will send up robes, Knight." He went to get them for them. Xander led the guys up there to teach them how to take a ritual shower. First they had to clean themselves, then they had to bathe twice in clean water, then bathe with the herb soap. Everywhere. They came out and Xander showed them how to put on the novitiate robes, which did look like single shoulder, light beige togas. He led them back to the temple's gateway, bowing at the guardian there.
She stared at them. "This place is not for humans. Yet, none of you are." She stared at Xander. "You've been here before."
"I was," he agreed. "But only for the water for that special baptism so she'd end the curse that the redheaded menace Rosenburg put on a whole village and me."
The guard grimaced. "We heard. Is she still alive?"
"We face Thanos in six weeks," Xander said quietly. "Everyone we can borrow is around somewhere and waiting."
She nodded, getting out of their way. "Go make beseeches. Maybe the Great Ones will grant them." She watched as Xander pointed at Wade to go to one spot and he went to another while Cable just went to the warrior's shrine to look at it. He apparently understood how those things worked. She noticed that the scarred one got answered because one of the priests came down to talk to him. The priest led him aside to talk to him. Xander had noticed, but kept at his own prayers.
Another priest came down to stare at him until he looked up. Then Xander said something quietly with a slight grin. The warrior priest shuddered but nodded, handing him something. Xander bowed his thanks and got up, bowing properly before walking off. The priest looked sad so apparently it was a horrible thing. Wade came out with something in his hands, carefully covered. Cable spotted him and walked over to walk out with him. Xander was waiting outside. They went back to change into regular clothes at the hotel, then disappeared from the city to their jeep and then New York.
So apparently the plan would go on.
Xander walked into the Sanctum, staring at Wong. "We need a small thing he has on his desk to free someone trapped by a demon. Can we bum his paperweight?"
Wong blinked a few times. "Master Harris."
Xander held up a hand. "I'm Xander, Wong. Just Xander."
"Fine. I will ask him. He's reading in the library. Why would you need that?"
"Because we need the pretty crystal one."
"Ah," Wong said with a nod as he walked off. "We have not seen Dawn in days."
"I know. She's safe. I check on Dawn real often because people want to kidnap her." He grinned slightly at the sorcerer coming out scowling. "Need to borrow your pretty crystal paperweight to free someone from a demon if we can."
"Who is trapped?"
"Wade's fiancee. It's a plot to make him change over."
"Yeah, but she made him happy," Xander reminded him. "And if not, I'll have to snatch it or find another one. I can find another one but that'll require calling in a debt...and rattling a higher demon to get it from his realm..." He grinned. "Or asking someone to telekinetically snatch it. So I'm being nice."
"Fine. I want it back." He went to get it. Xander got the other one, holding it up. "Why that one? That one's flawed."
"That is the type of crystal you use to hold a spell to free someone. The one you're holding would only work if they were a statue or changed form, not trapped in a crystal pillar."
"I did not realize that." He frowned. "Fine. I want it back. Do you have the other two things?"
"One. The last thing we need is in the guy in China's artifact collection." He grinned at him. "We'll talk when we're back." He walked out, tossing it at Wade. "He wants it back."
Wade looked it over. "It's pretty. Why this type?"
"It's charged, it's the type you use to break a confinement that doesn't include a shape changing, and it's handier than going to nag a higher demon for a piece of his throne." He got into his jeep and headed back to the house. Both items went into the safe that no one else could get into. He locked it and looked at them. "The only thing we still need is with that artifact collector in China. Germany's isn't interested in that sort of artifact. Germany's only likes possessed things. China's likes certain classes of artifacts that can help him with harder spells. As far as anyone knows it's out there. If not, it's with the mages here in town."
Wade nodded at that. "How sure are we?"
"The guy in China bought it at an auction a few years ago but one of the mages in town really would like it for about the same purpose. He accidentally locked his wife in a dimensional portal during a throwing things fight they had. Technically he could ask Dawn politely to get her out of there but he hasn't."
Wade nodded at that. "Okay, so we have one target who has a lot of mystical things."
"In a pretty garden setting. He's like an art collector, Wade. It's his version of a museum."
"Mystical museum, great," Wade quipped. He looked at Cable.
"Guys like that shouldn't have those things. They cause problems," Cable agreed. "What happens if he uses one?"
"He's got huge things that should be in a storage area that you can only stare at," Xander said. "I doubt he's going to unleash a world eating demon down here. Maybe on Thanos.... But that would destroy a lot of area around the battle."
"Gotcha," Wade said with a nod then a quick head shake. "There's a world eating demon?"
"There's like seven. They used to be a coven of brothers who ruled an area. Then a witch tricked them by sleeping with each one and capturing them with her pussy filled with spells. She drained them into storage things that way. The last one fought a bit, but she trapped him in a teapot. That one is there. Four of the seven have supposedly been destroyed, though they're all in Greece in a hidden temple. The other two are presumed somewhere but no idea where that I'll admit to."
Wade groaned, face palming himself. He looked at Xander. "Is that the worst he has?"
Xander grinned. "Depends. How do you feel about ancient, ethereal plane dragons?"
"Shitty," Cable said. "I'd hate to be eaten."
"Nah, they only eat souls. Not full humans. Though I'm told there's a rumor that he somehow called a tiny dragon out there somehow. It's his shoulder pet or something. Those rumors are about a hundred years old though."
Wade and Cable shared a look then looked at Xander. "What do we know about him, kid?" Cable demanded. Xander pulled up the files on the guy so they could go over them. And the one in Germany in case they were wondering how much worse it could be. The guy in Germany was paranoid and used the artifacts like his personal army.
The one in China went for pretty but only in certain classes of being or magic. The real wild card was the guy in Honduras. He just collected and piled them together so no one else had access to them. Which was what the Council wanted to do but they wanted to lock them in a vault at least. The guy down there just had them piled around his house. Then again, that guy was the Daniel Jackson of their universe so....
Wade and Cable made plans. Xander had a whole book on the artifact they needed, including pictures taken recently and drawings of it. The rest...well, Xander could pile them in a closet they guessed. He might use them for some wacky plan that would save them all a lot of work.
They'd ask about what he had gotten from the temple later. That wacky plan needed to be talked about soon.
Cable looked at the satellite photos they had gotten from someone in Avengers tower, who wanted to help them. The house in question was a pretty house. Single story. Looked like a cross between Arabic and Japanese styles for archways and doors. There was a hidden courtyard in the center that didn't show up on film but it was there was clearly something there by the way the house was formed around it. There was also a shimmery, not seen area off to the rear right of the house. Cable looked at Xander. "Any idea which area it's in?"
"Most of his are said to be in the courtyard. The area there," he said with a point at the shimmery area that looked weird, "is his work area. Not magical work area, he only does that outside. He's a chemistry guy from college then he found out about magic. He's trying to redo some potions for science instead as a career. He's done two of the big eight but they're weaker. That's why the Chinese government has basically forbidden him from leaving the country or talking to anyone they don't approve of."
"Would his house being raided get a response from them?" Cable asked.
"No. They really, truly hate magic stuff. They've interrupted some of his buying and stealing shipments to send back. He explained he was holding them safe and away from people like the mages' group in town. So they let him collect that and a few art pieces for worth. They've noted a few times that if all his collection left they'd have no problem with that and he could concentrate more on work again.
"They think he's going to use something to become a comic book hero and hate that idea even more than magic. The Chinese government has officially renounced any knowledge of mutants, mutates, Avengers, or comic books that they don't put out themselves. They've cracked down on engineering students too. Just in case one wants to become a future Stark."
Cable shook his head. "I can see why. They're weird to those of us in the life." Xander grinned at him. "So no uniform for Wade?"
"Oh, they know about him. His comic book is over there. He's seen as a guy who overcame great adversity to do the right thing the wrong way. They consider him like the Lone Ranger."
Cable shook his head quickly. "So damn weird."
"Yup, but then again, a whole government of people who want to bring back the ancient Mongol empire.... Seriously, they have a group there who cosplay as warriors under Genghis Khan."
Cable quirked up an eyebrow. "Why would they?"
"Because they were great conquerors back then. They conquered all the way to Russia at one point in time. One-fifth of Asia carry their DNA." Cable shuddered. "Yeah. It's tied up with the traditionalist movement too but off to the side of the average one."
"I thought kabuki was bad," Cable muttered, shaking his head as he reread the information notes.
"China has their own version," Xander quipped. "With even better costumes."
Cable stared at him. "Don't help." Xander grinned. "What about his other collected items?"
Xander shrugged. "He's bought some stolen ones from the Council. If we can get things safely away we can put them in a safe area. Somewhere most everyone can't get to them so I don't have to worry about who'll use them. If he's alive and still able to collect then I'm pretty sure he won't use most of them. Not sure why he got stuck on that group and class of magic though. I'm hoping he won't be trying something like a resurrection himself but I don't think he is with what we know he's collected."
"What's the most likely if he used his collection?"
"Taking over humanity as the new emperor. If he does it before Thanos gets here, we'll let them fight it out then handle the winner."
"Can just anyone use those artifacts?"
"Most of them would take activation by magic but one of them is one that will grant wishes. There's another two we've heard he has but no proof and they have trapped beings who would be his army if he demanded and could trap them into it."
"So it's power collecting," Cable decided. "Anything else we can bring home for you?"
Xander grinned at him. "I can follow behind and clean up anything that's now free flowing. And if he got stolen from then I can track a few of them. I haven't yet." He got into his journal to look up something and concentrated. Another one got found. "Someone did raid him but they didn't get most everything. The rest is in Central America with a wacky research nerd who's just piling them up so no one else can touch them. I think he's collecting for that and to get something done thanks to meeting himself or something."
"Huh?" Deadpool asked as he walked into the office, taking his mask off. "Who's the guy in Central America?"
"Our version of a guy off that tv show the girls made you watch with them."
"Oh, great. Does he have a gateway?"
"Nope." Xander grinned. "He just piles things in his corners. He has apparently raided some of the guy in China's stuff but not what you guys need. I can go down to clean up on him in a few days. He does have a few stupidly powerful things I'd like to see in a vault."
"So we're headed to China," Deadpool decided, taking the file from Cable. "Basement, weird area in the center, or weird area in the back?"
"Center," Xander said. "Weird area in the back is his lab. He's a chemist trying to make alchemy formulas work in reality. Not sure if he has a basement. They're not real popular in that area of China from what I got off the Chinese slayer."
"Is she near there?" Cable asked.
"Nope. Over three hundred miles away."
"Crap," Wade muttered. "Should we worry about him having demons in control?"
"Not that we've heard. That's more likely from the guy in Germany." He let Wade see the online page about the guy's collection and his personality. Wade nodded as he read. "The few things that've been removed I can go put into a vault while you guys do that. Unless you need me to follow along and take care of the other artifacts?"
"We might leave him living," Wade decided. "Would he take a plea for that particular one?"
"Probably not," Xander admitted. "He hasn't for something that would've healed someone. Though I can't be sure that wasn't personal bias."
"Are we sure his works?" Cable asked.
Xander nodded. "Probably. If it's free we're all in deep shit. The first wish around it would bring huge creatures. If someone wishes for wealth or fame it'd make them into giant cats or mice to get that attention. Since we haven't seen an eighty foot cat online...."
"Gotcha," Wade agreed, smirking at him. "So damn weird."
"Yeah, but a lot of things are like that in mystical circles." Xander grinned but shrugged at him. "Could be worse."
"True. It could be worse. Okay, we'll go figure that out." He and Cable walked off together talking about the plan.
Xander made his plans to go down to Belize. Danny and he really had to have a talk about his nutzoid collection. And hey, he could talk to him about that one Stargate world he had went to with that ship-having Xander. Or maybe he'd try to hire him for the Council. Giles would like having more artifact people and ones with field experience.
Wade and Cable ran into just who they didn't want to run into. Official spies for China. They were waiting on them to enter the country. "Gentlemen," Cable said with a polite enough nod.
One of them stepped forward. "You are not the ones that we want in this country," that one said in bad english. "We wish no mutants here."
"Yeah, well, I'm here on a business trip," Wade said dryly. "Gotta talk to someone about a demon problem actually." He stared at him. "I could go and then sneak in if you want."
"No, we do not want at all," he said. He looked back then at Cable. One of the guys, who wasn't in a uniform or a suit, said something quietly. "Are you here to talk to ..." he said a name that they couldn't translate.
Cable shook his head. He opened up the file on the guy and held it up. "Him. He has something we need to defeat a demon."
They looked at it and the guy in the back said something but nodded. "We do not like him," that one said in better english, sounding almost British. "But he is useful and handles many things that our slayer cannot."
"We work with the head watcher in New York," Wade said. That guy sneered. "Xander, yeah." The guy shuddered but nodded, looking down. "Yeah, we're kinda helping train those girls. We just need to get that one thing off him, and if he'd just give it over we'd be really happy since there's a huge apocalypse battle in a few weeks. The girls aren't going to be called because it's not demonic."
"Oh, dear," that one said with another nod. "We have heard rumors from American intelligence people." He looked at them. "How does one fight a being like Thanos?"
Wade shrugged. Cable shook his head. "Any way you can," Cable said. "With a plan by Xander in the background."
That guy smiled. "I wish him much luck then." He said something to the officials, who nodded and let them into the country by stamping their passports. "Thank you, gentlemen, and please don't hurt that one. He is not only amusing but solving some major problems. Though he will not just give over something."
"We can ask politely," Wade said. "It's worth a try." They nodded and let them go to the car rental desk so they could head out. Wade looked at Cable once they were outside. "Did you recognize him?"
"From Xander's date file," he admitted. "He's an arms dealer. They probably have him under arrest or something." They drove off, going to pick up their shipped weapons and then go talk to that sorcerer guy.
Xander slammed the door of his rental car, heading for the smallish house in Belize. He opened the gate to the garden area and there was a demon trying to stop him. Xander sneered but the demon tried to get into his way so he picked it up and tossed it into a nettle bush. "Surprised he hasn't done that to you before now," he quipped, heading into the house. The demon in the entryway he got into a slap fight with. It was girly of him but the demon had started to swat at him like he was a fly. "Go back into your jar, Pieter."
"You don't know me," it tried.
"Bullshit! I'm the one that put you into the vault. Dumb idiot." He punched it once, making it start to sob. "Into your jar. Had enough of you and you're going back into the vault unless you cooperate and then I'll let the slayers have you."
"Ewww," it squealed, flowing back into it's prison jar. "Girls!"
"Yeah, I feel the same way." He went into the study, staring at the blondish guy behind the desk. He flopped down in the visitor's chair to stare at him. "I find it amusing that either I'm turning into you on the tv show or you're turning into me. Not sure which, Daniel."
Daniel Jackson stared at him. "I think we're both turning into that tv show, Harris. Why are you here? And did you make the queenly one flow back into his jar?"
"Yup, sure did. I promised I'd give him to the slayers." He grinned. "He's having an 'eww, girls' fit."
"I need to remember that."
"How about we take you back to the current motherland so we can put them all back into a vault of some kind? Giles is at his wits end with the archival staff anyway. You'd have all the library to research in. We've got three digs going on right now that you can join probably. Including the old building and all the assorted shit they misstored in there. Because I got near there once, got an astounding headache, but the demon was trying to be nice and protect me from something bigger that wanted in my BVD's with me. Which I probably would've had to behead to get away from and its head was in its abdomen."
Daniel shook his head. "I shouldn't. The others could steal them again."
"You can stop that at the source, Daniel. Before I have to smite someone to stop it." He smirked. "Let's pack you up. I can even tell you how I found another stargate world."
"You did *what*?" he demanded, standing up to glare at him.
Xander grinned up at him. "I went looking for a few specific artifacts and ran into another version of myself on purpose, because he desperately needed weapons. Time traveling me made sure I made it to him to help him. We skipped to a Stargate realm that was now defunct and looted beautifully." He grinned. "We would've stolen a gateway but it wouldn't fit in his mystical ship from his future. But we did leave a few cannibal goats there to guard the doorway. So if someone comes through the bulletproof cannibal goats can eat them."
Daniel deflated into his chair, staring at him. "How on earth?"
"Oh, dude, I do so much weirder than that. And it did let me get a few artifacts that I can let people buy off me so they can take themselves out of my way. I really do enjoy it when they do that." He let out a smug grin then let it clear up. "Anyway, I'm about to beat the living shit out of the artifact team in Cleveland for deciding two things weren't that important to store and they're holding world destroying demons. So want a job?"
"Seriously?" he demanded.
"Yeah!" Xander grinned and nodded. "You mostly have great respect for the weird things that can be gathered. They piled ancient enemies that used to be married together so the vault had to be taken out of time for six months, and three hours our time, to solve their current argument before it destroyed the state of Ohio. When I had the vision, Giles ignored it. I had to pop down there and kick two people out of the vault then take it out of time myself.
"Then I ended up mediating the current argument about him wanting a new concubine by threatening to send them both to the containment area in Cairo to be taken to that one statue's world." Daniel looked at the statue in question then at him. Xander grinned. "They decided to be nicely divorced and quit fighting but Giles is still horrified that they just piled them up like you do and things start to go wrong in the vault. Dawn had to show up to help and laughed herself sick at them propositioning her to get let free."
"I've seen Dawn," he admitted. "She showed up to shake one of my canopic jars that was purring at everyone. It quit and went back to sleep at least. She gave me a dirty look before leaving again."
"Hmm. Well, you do pile things oddly and dangerously. I mean...." He pointed at that same statue and the two around it that held trapped beings. "Are they having a party?"
"No. That I know of."
"Yes," one of the statues said, sounding smug. "The Great One squeals greatly. Hunter, you should try this."
Xander looked over. "I make others squeal, not squeal myself. Just ask Anya's shade." The statues all moaned. He grinned at them. "Still looking for something good but human too. Pity." He looked at Daniel again. "Your house is starting to look like Hogwarts' and Gringotts' storage areas. How many magical paintings have you found?"
"Sixty I think." He looked at that list, which was under a pile of papers on his desk. "Sixty-three," he said, looking at Xander. "They're not dangerous, just creepy."
"Mostly. One's got a portal to the void space in it."
"I have that one covered with a sheet."
"Not a bad idea. We can make you a nice vault area."
"I..." He looked around. "I like my house."
"Cleveland's not as nice as Belize, and definitely not as warm, but the spirit that made you leave Egypt can't get you up there. It'd freeze so it'd have to go away again."
"I..." He slumped, looking around again. "Some of this is too dangerous to be let out of my hands."
"So bring it with you. I can hide some of it in my own vaults. There's no way I want certain things anywhere near the Council. Including two demons that eat women." The statues in the corner moaned. "I'm not putting you near her. You're not worthy and she hates males," Xander said without having to look at them. They groaned. He grinned at Daniel. "We can ship up all sorts of trunks of things that should be stored. I can even let you talk me into not sending up the truly dangerous stuff so it has to go to one of mine. Though none will help with Thanos, but at least you know things would be stored better if you disappear because we don't win."
"I've seen those visions where you announced them," Daniel admitted. He stared at him. "I'm not sure if it's a good idea and I can put up with things."
"Daniel, there's seven of us who do all the work of hundreds," Xander said patiently. "I'm actually second-in-command. I had to send Giles to a rehab spa for a few weeks because he's been on the scotch diet. Also, you got the wrong notice. One of the mage's society spotted you buying something he wanted to gift to his brother-in-law to eat him so his sister was free of her magically binding vow."
"Why would she do that?"
"She really loves him. Her whole family hates her husband. He's not a bad guy but that's probably why they hate him." Xander shrugged. "He's the same mage that helped do that spell that killed half a village by accident and just shrugged it off."
"Oh, him. Yeah, I'd like to keep my stuff from him." He frowned as he looked around his crowded office. "It'll take days to sort things. I've kept records but I haven't really sorted things. Including the area that one artifact made into a new room for itself and a few of his friends."
"The Council set? Yeah, I've heard you had that. The guy in Germany was pouting greatly about not winning that auction. But now you could shop on our dime instead of yours. I'm sure they'd pay you more often than they do me and you can do auctions on the corporate card."
Daniel nodded slowly. "I might consider it. I still don't think I'd be able to put up with them."
"I don't," Xander said. "At all. There's exactly two watchers I talk to in Cleveland: Giles and Bartemy and he's over the budget. The other head field watchers I talk to often and I can stand most of them. The Council really is full of assholes but seven of us are handling the rest of it. You could make eight and give me some easing of work. Sometimes finding mystical artifacts is creepy." He turned and shot at something that was floating in. It fell down and sulked, even the metal of the jewelry looking box slumped. Xander put his pistol up again, staring at him. "Come to the dark, corporate side, young Padawan. I'd put you behind me to take over too." He grinned. "Therefore you'd make sure the girls aren't misused."
"That's an important job," Daniel agreed. "Did you ever find out if we have a Jack O'Neill here?"
"Yeah, he's a pilot. Not special forces but a pilot. SHIELD has a file on him for tripping into something. Then he went to hide from it since no one here's asking him to save humanity. He has his son but not his wife; she still divorced him." Daniel nodded. "If you want to hire him, he might make a good watcher. We probably wouldn't mind."
"I'll think about that after I meet him. I still think we were shoved over from another realm."
"Interesting story but Cordelia said copied and pasted." He grinned. "I asked after I ran into you the second time." He tossed over two scrolls from his back pocket. "As enticement, two demon cities that're abandoned."
Daniel moaned, looking the maps over. "You're sure they're abandoned?"
"Long abandoned. One might have a weapon that we can use against Thanos and other higher level problems. I was going to go next month if I survive the battle."
Daniel rolled them back up. "I can do that for you, Xander." He stared at him. "I can accept that offer as long as I get to punch someone who tries to steal or misuse artifacts, including you."
"Go for it." He grinned. "I never misuse the Council ones."
"I heard about the choker."
"That's a Xander obligation across any realms that have both of us in it. In one it was given as reparation for screwing us up greatly and making us fight our way out of hell. His has a fertility spell laid too. It let him have a family. He did say that being pregnant was freaky but he's gotten used to it when he uses it for fun and games."
Daniel cleared his throat. "Seriously?"
"I know one realm where they gave it to Dawn to play with her spouses with. It's for birthdays." He grinned. "They have a lot of fun with it, so does Lavelle."
Daniel slumped again, shaking his head. "It's a chaos artifact."
"And me turning into a girl would bring a lot of chaos," Xander quipped back. The statues in the corner all moaned at that thought. "See?" He smirked.
"I can see that, yes." He looked around. "Fine. Let me pack things. I'll have to contract someone to pack up everything and move it with me."
"We can look up real estate while we pack, Daniel. You don't have to live on campus. I sure don't."
"Point." He looked up real estate in Cleveland. He didn't need anything huge, just about this size. "There's no smaller houses."
"Not like you're looking at Lara Croft's mansion, Daniel. Four bedrooms means you have a nice one and a study. Cleveland isn't the home of studies or libraries in your own house. If you look by the other park, not the hellmouth park but the other one nearby, it'd probably be cheaper and nicer. And safer for hellmouth radiation."
Daniel switched his search for that, nodding at what he saw. "Three miles from the campus, nice houses." He clicked on two to look them over. "Hmm. Nice. And cheap. Could use some work but they're saying real wood is bad now?"
"Everyone wants wood painted white instead of letting wood be wood colored. I figured it's a lot of people who want to really clean a lot. They do the same thing in kitchens too. It's *fashionable* but means a lot of cleaning."
"Not my thing. I like my wood to be wood." He contacted a realtor, getting an email back while he worked on straightening up his desk. Xander got boxes to put artifacts into and a few floating trunks to store them in once they were packed.
Xander walked into the Cleveland house with three trunks of artifacts. "People!" he bellowed. Giles and a few others came out. Xander grinned and gave Danny Jackson a slight shove. "Here, he's an artifact guy who was protecting a bunch of them in Belize. That way no one could use them." Giles beamed at him. "Doctor Jackson, new archivist for artifacts, this is Rupert Giles, head of the new Council of Watchers." Xander let the trunks thump down, hearing something complain. He glared at that trunk. "I said get back in that bottle before I open up the one next to you so you two can have some fun together."
That one foamed up and went back to his slightly broken bottle. "By the way, the plane ride up broke a bottle," he said dryly, looking at the budget guy who was basically his backup with helping the Council. He grinned at Danny, who smirked back. Then he grinned at Giles. "I'm hiding another sixteen trunks of artifacts he had just piled up around his house to protect them. Before they decide to hold a party like they were starting to when I got down there." He gave Danny a small nudge towards Giles. "You have a great artifact guy who can make sure that we get the stuff that got ...misplaced by someone."
"Are you no longer going out to find things?" one of the other watchers asked.
Xander stared at him. "You've heard that we're having an apocalypse level battle in a few weeks, right? One that can snap and kill half of humanity?"
"We thought you were blowing that out of proportion," another said.
"And yet, our last really huge one was by his lower level minions," Xander said dryly. "That multi-country one? That's who that was." A few of them groaned. "Feel lucky none of you could fall in for a field battle because this one the girls won't be of any help with. This time it's things like telekinetics that're going to win it." That got another groan. "And the girls are all to be off-plane by the day before. That way if he does manage to snap and take out half of humanity they can handle things. That way the Powers can't take them out during it." Giles nodded at that.
"But, anyway. Danny here is a great researcher, Giles. Studied ancient cultures until he ran into an ancient demon city on a dig and ended up trapped there for two months of having to fight off Polendra." He rolled his eyes. "So damn glad I stabbed her when she flirted the last time," he muttered. Giles gave him a horrified look. "Yeah. That's not in a report. Her boyfriend decided to kidnap me to spice up their bedtime lives.
"Thought I'd be the perfect toy to play with between them. And he lost his foot and she nearly lost her life before her big sister showed up to protect and save them. Though she was mad at me for being kidnaped until I shouted that at her and that I didn't want her skanky ass sister or her boyfriend and that was considered cheating where I came from and she should kill the boyfriend for forcing her sister into that situation. She agreed and the boyfriend is still probably running for his life. But her sister did put me back into Marakesh for a good, long drunk week to heal and calm down." He cleared his throat. "So we hopefully won't have any problems with that family again."
"Her younger sister sent Faith a flirty note," the budget guy complained. "Faith had to send back that she was only human male oriented. We had pouting demons that complained Faith had turned her down."
"The youngest one is only eight," Xander said, frowning.
"No, the one just younger than Polendra. The one that sometimes gets called her twin."
"Oh, her!" Xander said with a nod and a grimace. "She's pretty but girly. She clearly wants a butch girl, and I'm all for her finding one, but if Faith isn't into that then she's gotta accept that no for the answer it is." He shrugged. "I haven't heard anything about that from the local community in New York. I can ask and maybe point her toward Mara down in Lesotho." Giles spluttered and choked. "Seriously, Giles?" he demanded but he was grinning. "I trained with some of her warriors and they're damn good."
"Did she get flirty with you?" Buffy asked from the stairs.
"Nah, she's more into you than me." He grinned at her. "Mara's a misplaced magical war goddess. Pretty and damn good. Made me happy in a lot of ways. I totally left Mor with her for a week without worry for the warriors training her for me while I had malaria last time." He grinned at Giles. "Mara was quite pleased with a young slayer being such a warrior queen in the future."
"Marathaniatic?" Giles demanded.
"Yeah. She said to call her Mara." He smiled. "She has a huge library too. I introduced Tara to her too. Tara needed to look up an obscure curse to cure someone. Mara's library had it and she was quite happy to flirt with Tara because she said she's cute when she blushes. Which she is."
Giles took off his glasses to stare at the younger man. "How did you run into her?"
"Traveling through Africa?" Xander suggested with a smirk. "I had a battle near there and her warriors came to help. They demanded I come pay my respects since they had no idea there were other warriors nearby. So I went to see if she was a problem or not. She turned out to be not a problem in the least and a great ally when she wants to be. I've already warned her about Thanos so she can protect her people."
Giles rubbed his forehead then looked at the new guy. "Sometimes things are a bit weird. Sorry you had to witness this on your first day. Let's examine the artifacts you found for us." Xander let Buffy haul them to a work area for them while Xander skipped off. Giles looked at his other higher watchers. "Xander is overly tired and without anyone to cuddle or anything else," he noted. "Please do introduce him to normal people sorts?"
"If we knew anyone who'd take the boy in hand to leash train him, we'd gladly have already done that," one complained. He shook his head quickly. "I don't want to know anything else about his trip to Africa to train our girls." Since he was the head over the Book of Problems, that was a bad indication.
"I'm sure he's submitted all the reports he'll ever care to," Giles complained. "Until we ask specifically about something." He opened one trunk and something floated up. Buffy cleared her throat and waved with a smile. It floated back into the broken bottle and capped itself. "That's charming of it." He let Daniel tell him what things were as far as he could tell. Some he only had a proper name from the auction he had lifted it from. They could work from there and their library was extensive.
He'd have to praise Xander for managing to get back almost everything that had been taken from their vaults as well. Better with them than with Xander so he could ruin someone inconvenient or use it for some weird plan.
He'd worry about what Xander had confiscated later. When he could get a list from his new artifact head, who would get informed of how weird Xander's plans could be at times. That way they could work together to reduce what Xander was hiding from everyone before it got out of hand.
Daniel settled into his house that night, looking at all the stuff that had been delivered from his last one. He patted a few of his favorite things. And then glared at one thing that had gotten free. Xander had agreed it was harmless, just annoying. It went whining back into its tea pot holding place, threatening to tell the slayers on him. He pointed. "Three blocks that way," he said dryly. "You go right ahead. The head guy's name is Rupert Giles. I met him earlier." The demon went to whine at Rupert, who showed up to gather the tea pot and a few other things. "Xander said they're mostly harmless," he said with a slight smile.
"Yes, well, Xander's perspective on a few items is a bit...skewed, Daniel," Giles said patiently. "He believes a few hell gods are nicer than they have been."
"The difference between myth and reality is who's telling it and how many times it's been retold so therefore warped."
"A good point," Giles agreed, smiling at him. "But this one could conceivably bring a lot of problems onto the slayers to date them. He does like to summon incubi."
"Is that why one kept trying to flirt with me?" he asked the demon. It squeaked and fled back into its teapot. "That's fine. You can have his ex-wife too." He pulled it off a shelf to hand over. "She's probably why I had a succuba last week." She was ranting in there about going near her ex-husband. He looked down into her sugar canister, from the same tea set her ex-husband was residing in. "I don't care." She shut up. "If you're nice to Mr. Giles he might set you somewhere other than with him." He handed it over with a smile.
"I had no idea they were married at one time," Giles said, looking down at the new demon. "We have no information on that. We'll have to ask later." He packed them into a box and grabbed one more thing. Daniel took it back. "That should be in a museum."
"I don't want the gou'ald in it to get out." He smiled. "It came from another realm."
"Oh, dear. That's fine. You deal with that, Daniel. Give me reports on the rest you're keeping?" Daniel nodded. "Thank you." He left, going back to the center to tell the other artifact people about those two. They hadn't known those two demons were married either.
Daniel petted his canopic jar and put it aside. That baby was not getting away from him. Just in case. He didn't want to see Xander having to kill a gou'ald. Or Jack O'Neill if he ever found him on this realm.
Wade came back with the device he needed to free Vanessa, and healing injuries thanks to some of the other demon that were trapped by that guy. Cable looked worn out and healing injuries too. The slayers that caught them coming in stared then pointed at the first aid box for them. Xander came walking past to take the device to put into that special safe. "That guy's nuts."
"We're all a bit nuts," Xander quipped. "You put on spandex. I carry a battle axe. Cable wears eighties clothes...."
Wade snorted. "He's trying to get something to come back, or so he said. We left him everything but one necklace he threw at us." Cable held it up from a metal fingertip.
Tara appeared, staring at the necklace. "That's evil," she said, frowning at it. "Where did you find that horrible thing?"
Xander came out to look and whistled. "Hey, I remember gathering that. It pouted for days that it couldn't take me over." He got a regular box and let Cable put it into it so he could tape it shut and put a warning on it. Tara huffed but took it with her. "You can let Daniel handle that," he called after her. "He's like us and sane."
"We're sane?" Wade asked, frowning at him.
"Most of the time I am. Sometimes....." He looked at the staring slayers, who all grinned and waved at them. "See, that's why I'm not always sane." He went to the kitchen. "Ladies, if you want to eat dinner, you have to leave some food!"
"Sorry," most of them called. "We were hungry."
Xander sighed. Then he looked up. He looked in the bare freezer again then at his wallet. Which was laying in there but still had money in it for a change. He went to the office to look at the petty cash stash. Which was empty. "What did we do to the pizza fund?" he called.
"We ordered chinese at midnight," a few of the girls called.
"Hey! I wanted some!" another one complained. "You should've told me!"
Xander rolled his eyes. "If you hadn't done that, you could've had pizza tonight," he called. They groaned. "And you should've told me first." He looked at the hidden stash of house money. That one had barely been touched so yeah, they could have some pizza tonight. "Cheese and supreme, ladies?" he asked as he worked up the order.
"No meats or cheese. Animal byproducts are gross," a tiny voice called.
Xander sighed and rolled his eyes. "Unless you want to go to the ER for being weak and underweight, you have to eat some animal byproducts."
"My Mommy said I don't!" she complained loudly and started to throw a fit.
Xander came out to stare at her. "While that's great for your mother, you can't eat enough vegetable protein fake shit to be healthy as a slayer." She glared up at him. "Tough. Shit. You can pick the cheese off your slices if you want."
"It's evil to be near me."
"Then I'd quit wearing leather in your shoes," Cable quipped.
"I wear vegan leather!"
"You wear plastic," Xander shot back. "There's no such thing as vegan leather, Sis. It's plastic. It's all fake just like the rest of the vegan stuff is. You still can't live a vegan lifestyle as a slayer. You won't get enough protein or calories if you try. Which means you need medicines instead. Which don't work as well as eating it." He stared down at her. "Aren't you already on those?" She stomped off sniffling. "You can call Hua in Thailand. She's partially vegetarian. She can tell you about how she ends up in the hospital all the time."
"You can't eat that evil stuff near me!" she shouted back.
"If you don't want it, that's on you. The rest of us don't have to conform to your ideals. You are not the Goddess and don't set rules for anyone but yourself." He looked at the others. "Cheese and supremes?" They nodded.
"Can one have some extra mushrooms?" Tara asked as she appeared.
"I can get you a small mushroom if you go talk to the huffy brat who wants to be vegan."
"That's why I showed up," she quipped. "Also, we locked that necklace up."
"Sure. Have fun. Have you talked to Daniel yet?" He grinned.
"I saw his hiring announcement and sent a 'hi, we're the coven' message to him." She followed the tiny, pouty thing to talk to her about her desire to live a more wholesome life. Maybe she'd like to live with the coven for a bit?
Xander finished the order and came back to settle in again. "Anyone free tomorrow is helping grocery shop for lessons." The girls, and Russell, groaned.
"Tough. You could all use the experience so you know how to do it when you get out on your own," Cable said patiently. He had that dad voice down again. Wade was snickering in his seat in the corner. Russell was pouting at them. "Someday you'll have to stock your own refrigerator and cabinets, Russell. You can't live on Hostess unless you're Xander."
"Even Xander has to eat vegetables and meat sometimes," Xander called. Something appeared on the floor in front of him. "Ladies, move, we have a sudden artifact appearance," he announced. The girls fled and one nicely dragged Russell with them. Wade and Cable hopped up to get weapons. Xander grabbed his regular axe and tested the edge before he nodded at Cable and Wade. He nudged it with a toe. It steamed up but nothing else. He nudged it again. Still smoke. "It doesn't have writing on it." He tipped his head, walking around it. "Tara, can you sense evil from this?" he bellowed.
She came jobbing down the stairs. "What's that?"
"Just appeared," Cable said. "Smoked a bit."
She bent down to test it, backing up quickly. "It's a portkey!" Xander pointed so she ran up to check on the girls. "Be safe, Xander. I'm not sure if we can find you."
"If it takes me, it'll bring my ass back," he quipped. "Or else I'll be reborn as Wade's future kid." He grinned at Wade. "It's a higher demon's plan to keep you slightly good. So I'll get to cuddle Vanessa that way instead." Wade hit him on the arm but was shaking his head.
"That's a horrifying thought," Cable complained. "Please don't say anything else about that, Xander." Xander just grinned. "Seriously?"
"Yeah. Two of them think that'll pay me back for stopping their wannabe evil plans and plots. It's either him or Stark and I pointed out Stark doesn't have kids and probably won't have any." He toed it again. This time it reacted and took him. He looked the stone chamber he was in. He sighed a bit and leaned on his axe. Someone was going to be there soon.
The artifact was still there so he picked it up to look at it. "I need to be home for the slayers," he told it. "Or else I'm going to melt you down. You can be a nice cockring when I finally find a nice boyfriend." It went quiet but still held power. Sure enough, two guys in robes showed up and the one following them was in a blood red robe. Xander stared at him. "What's the idea here? I didn't want to be here. Your thingy stole me from my house."
"You are a Finder."
"Among other things." He stared at him. The guy was looking nervous. "So?"
"You will find the relic that we need to power our sacrifice."
"Fuck no I'm not," Xander said, starting to grin. "I only find relics for myself."
"You cannot go home until we will it, Finder," the one said, glaring at him. Xander tucked the artifact down his shirt then pulled up axe and swung at the guy. The robed guy had a sword. "We are not weak."
Xander laughed and beat the guy until he beheaded him. Then he watched the snakes flow out of the priest's body. He looked at the other two, who were backing away from him. "Send me the fuck home. Now please."
"We...." one of the lower priests said, starting to stutter. "We are not versed in the holy artifacts! We just need the relic!" Two more warriors, in fur loincloths and long boots, showed up with a war scream. Xander blocked one's sword. "They kidnaped me and have to send me home," he said bluntly. "Kill them afterwards. Thank you."
"You are...." Xander punched him and the other one attacked him. Xander gutted him and looked at the other guy. "You are not a warrior."
"You wear weak worker clothes," he sneered, getting up.
"Yes, I was doing things around the house with my trainees. Beyond that, only men who are very insecure about their penises wear furry loincloths. Wear pants like a man, dude." The warrior yelled as he lunged at him. Xander ducked the swing and kicked him into a wall. Then he hit him with the flat of the axe, breaking his nose and knocking him out. Xander looked at the two priests, who were huddling in a corner. "So," he said dryly. "Send. Me. Home."
"We cannot! Only the High One can and he would need the relic!"
Xander frowned, concentrating on his finding skill. Then he blew up the temple, finding a full trunk of things and a staircase to the basement area. With a few extra large snakes. "Great, I'm in Conan's world." He beheaded one snake and dodged the other one. That one tried to bite him again so he jumped. He stared at it. "Sit down!" he ordered in his best field command voice. The snake flinched away and wiggled off. Xander found the room with the relic and grabbed it. The one in his shirt warmed up.
He looked down at it. "Now you react?" He turned and found an older man there in priests robes smiling. So Xander shot him in the head. He walked over his body, tossing that one into the trunk with the others. He pulled the one out of his shirt, staring at it. "Put me back. Now. Before the girls have a fit and I let them have you to hold their jewelry and makeup!"
He shook it and it took him and the stuff he was touching home. So the trunk and his axe came with him. He reappeared in the hallway, leaning on his axe again. He held up the artifact, letting Tara take it from him. "It was Conan's world," he said dryly. "I had to deal with some snake priests who wanted the shiny thing in the trunk." He rolled his eyes while going to clean his axe off. "Dumb ass priests," he muttered. "Not like I'm a parselmouth."
Tara looked at Wade and Cable, who were shaking their heads. "At least he didn't come home with a crown or anything, or in the furry boots and loin cloths like on the movie."
"I beat two warriors who were wearing them. That's a sure sign you're insecure about your penis size," Xander called from the armory. "It's safe to come down, ladies," he called. "Did someone get the pizzas?"
Wade got the money and went to see if the delivery guy was there. Cable was looking in the trunk. Tara carefully closed the trunk and took it with her to the coven then came back to have pizza with the slayers. They needed more girl time before Xander warped them.
Xander walked past the living room. "I warned that portkey device that I'd let someone have it for makeup and jewelry storage if it didn't bring me back. I did not want to be Conan's heir." Wade came back with the pizzas. Xander walked past to get a piece then went to the office to write a report to send in.
Cable pulled Xander out to sit him on the couch so he would eat too. They put in a movie he liked and let the girls veg for the night with Tara helping girl lessons.
Wade was going to keep his nightmare ideas to himself. Both about Xander being Conan and Xander being his future kid. Vanessa was going to have to have a daughter first and she'd have to not name it after Xander. He adored Xander as a buddy but he didn't want him as his son. Things would get way too weird that way. Maybe all daughters. Though they might end up being dick teases like the slayers could be. Did he really want kids? Cable hit him on the head so he grunted. "What?"
"Quit thinking bad thoughts and eat before the girls don't leave you any." Wade got another few pieces of pizza and settled in to watch the movie instead. Cable looked at Xander. "Can we take out the two demons who had that plot?"
"Maybe. Not sure. They're in town though. I'll pull their files for you later."
"Thanks," Wade said, grinning at him. "That'd be way too weird." Xander nodded with a grin for him. Vanessa would definitely freak out about that. "Any known weaknesses?"
"Hey, I can get Hawkeye, we can make it a group event." Wade stuffed his mouth. The girls all stared at them. "Some demon vowed to make Xander my future son." That got a mass nod and they all stuffed their mouths, though Tara was trying not to giggle through her current bite of pizza. "When I get 'Ness back I think I can talk her into only having daughters."
Xander waved a hand at the slayers with a grin. "We can help you train them. We do pretty good at it."
"That'd mean you'd be a girl," Tara said with a smirk for him.
He shrugged. "Willow's tried a few times, Tara." She moaned, shaking her head. "And managed it for a week while I was in Africa. Even the demons around there weren't that amused at her and one started to make a blood vow he would get her some day. I stopped him because he'd be dying sooner instead of later. He was kinda evil. Though a few boyfriends wanted to know if I was an evil gold digger."
He shrugged and stuffed his mouth again. Wade and Nathan were both staring at him. He shrugged again. "I still managed to handle two minor things but I had to use artillery because I was off my usual form for fighting." He stuffed his mouth again. "But I did get a pretty diamond necklace."
"Did that one die or can we have him?" Wade asked dryly, smirking at him.
Xander grinned back. "One of the things I needed artillery for raided to try to kill his son for being an evil dick tease. Apparently he had made a deal and then didn't go on his back like he promised. The demon was young but arrogant and a prick. But I did manage to save him and his family, even the little dick wannabe, so I got a reward."
Nathan sighed and leaned over, pushing Xander's hand with food toward his mouth. "If you're eating, you're not giving us headaches." Xander nodded, grinning before taking a bite. He looked at Wade. "If he ends up being your kid he might even become normal."
Wade gave him an odd look. "My kid? Normal?"
"Normal for a Xander?" Tara teased with a grin for her buddy.
Wade considered it then nodded. "That would be normal for a Xander. Yeah. Even as a girl." He stuffed his mouth before walking off to moan and groan in the bathroom, plus text people to make sure they'd need help to get those demons down before their plans could come into being. With his luck the demons would make him carry the baby himself. He looked at one of the boxes he could see, shaking his head. "This universe doesn't need Mpregs."
Xander giggled at something on the movie and the girls followed so maybe it'd be an easy night. That way he could rest that headache he suddenly had.
Hunters Making Weird Plans to Save Everyone.