The Chaos Goes On and On and On....
Xander was in an office in a very pretty home in Europe when a man walked in and paused. "Close the door. This is not a threat. I'm not here to threaten you. I'm here to warn you." The man closed the door and stared at him. "If it'd make you feel better, grab a gun or a knife," he said dryly. He tossed a folder over. "Things that would have happened if we didn't do that realm merge were going to affect you greatly. I got asked to please come warn you and make sure you got rescued with your wife and son if possible."
"They're not here."
"I know that. I sent them a fake threat so they're with your team." He grinned. "That way they're safe." He shifted to cross his feet. "You probably may know of me but not who I am."
"I have no idea, which is rather odd as what I do is partially intelligence work," he said in his accented voice. He stared at the young man. The guy was younger than him. He was cocky. He was thin and looked a bit muscled. "I don't recognize you."
"I'm Xander Harris. The guy who has to keep dealing with that prince about three hundred miles away." He pointed. "The next time he kidnaps me I'm going to destroy his *whole* house." He grinned. "But I'm not here about my hormones."
"That's good. Hormone problems I've heard of. And that prince whining about a concubine he wanted."
Xander nodded. "Yeah, probably me. I'm one of the few in this realm that has that problem. Which is why he thinks I'm going to give in and I'm not but not why I'm here. I was asked to make sure you read that folder, if I can protect your wife and child for you, and to ask you to help people end the super soldier ideas and formulas."
That was an intriguing list. "Who asked you?"
"Uncle Phil. Who is not the same one on this realm. On his realm, well, he's kind of Asgardian. Married in."
The guy stared at him. "This is very odd." He moved to pour himself a drink and did take that folder to look at. "This is stills from a show."
"Yes. In another realm he has access to, that's from a show. He needs to make sure it can't happen here. As ULTRON won't be destroying your country, and about nine-tenths of the people in it, you won't need to go on a vendetta that destroys the Avengers to avenge their deaths." The man stared at him.
"You won't end up in jail for that bombing of the UN. You won't be broken out of jail to help end that super soldier formula going more widespread. Personally, Uncle Phil and I believe it needs permanently ended. And you seem to be the guy who can help with that. So he sent me to you. To make sure your family is protected, and to ask for your help for that problem."
"What would be in it for me?"
"There's seven people who have the soldier serum right now in Siberia. They're back in stasis and people are trying to get control of them. Barnes is fighting against that. So is the Phil from this realm." He cleared his throat into his fist. "That gas is cute and all but I'll just wake up again, dude. Something else that wanted me gave me a healing gift." He shrugged. "They're wacky that way and I deal with a lot more weird than you are." He grinned. "I mean, I often deal with heros who need to eat."
"You're not that young."
"I am that young," Xander said with a grin. "I'm not that innocent or that naive. Big difference. I'm only twenty-one."
"Why ask this of me?"
"There, you did."
"Thanks to a tv show?"
Xander grinned. "Oh, there's places it's reality. Uncle Phil can get there. He's talked to that you. Who told him when to come interrupt this you's life to have you do that. That's just proof from the show on how it happened. I'm supposed to take you to meet Uncle Phil so you two can talk, to aid you in that, and to help protect the wife and kiddo. Because I'm not the guy that would ever let a kid be harmed."
"If she's with my team, she should be safe. As you said, we had that realm merge."
"But we still have HYDRA. They have you on a list." The baron winced at that but nodded once. "We're not asking you to be the big damn hero stud, Baron. We're asking you to be dirty and nasty and help us end a problem before SHIELD, the CIA, and most bigger governments get their hands on the serum and we have a new Cold War."
"It's a problem," he agreed. "One I've seen the horrible implications of." He put the folder down. He sipped his drink. "There's others who could do that easier or faster."
"And they're busy with HYDRA and their offshoot, Centipede. Which is stealing native gifts and using them to up soldiers with the super soldier formula they made up."
He winced but nodded, finishing that drink. "I'll listen to him at least."
"Thank you. Can you get to New York soon? You can come to my house. Which is safe. Because I have to have that sort of security or else people like that prince snatch me again." Zemo laughed at that, looking amused. "Seriously! I've had to fly home from Europe nine times in the last year. The ones who stay with me often rescue me but he's busy fighting the remains of HYDRA and, well, half of SHIELD that was HYDRA." He grinned. "Please?"
"I can be there this week."
"Thank you. Friday?"
"Probably doable. What threat did you send?"
"I sent your second-in-command a threat against the kid getting biobombed with measles."
The baron shook his head. "He's vaccinated."
Xander grinned. "They realized it wasn't serious but they still took them in to guard them for you. That way they weren't on high alert but they were on alert."
"Good point. Not great planning."
"I'm not the Xander of the universes that has planning skills. I never really got taught. I can pull something outta my butt but otherwise I'm not the Xander that plans."
"You speak of others?"
Xander grinned. "Yeah, we hold a yearly convention of about three hundred of us from other realms. I'm one of the youngest, outside the ones that got deaged by magic addicted bitches." He shrugged. "It's kinda neat. We have all sorts of us. Including one of us that became president in his world thanks to demons taking out politicians." He winked. "Let me head home. Do I need to write down my address?"
"I can find you," he said, staring at him oddly. "You could travel with me."
"It's not safe if I travel with *anyone*. My hormones are going to smarm you and it could get you hurt." The baron gave him a dirty look. "Seriously! Sniff." He held out his hand, letting him sniff then moan. "And I'm fairly down today. By tonight I'm going to be fully backed up and someone's going to snatch me again because I can't seem to find a decent boyfriend."
He shrugged. "So it's safer if I don't accidentally hit you or others with them. Last time, the flight crew on my rented plane had to hide for an extra day because they nearly got pounced in their home airport by someone. Which I hate doing to others. It's not fair to them."
The baron stared at him. "My plane is free, I have air circulation, and if you need things that badly I can rent you one."
"I can rent my own, Zemo. I just really hate renting attention. It's never fun but sometimes necessary."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Xander pulled up the information on his phone to let him see it. He sat down with a new drink to read it and groaned. "This is not good for you probably."
"No. Not my fault though." He shrugged. "Not like it's a gift I can return like I do most of them I get. I get some really odd, stupid presents from people over here. Do most people over here think dead, jeweled animals are seductive?"
"No. Some people have horrid tastes." He knocked him out and went back to reading, going through the boy's phone. That hormone condition was horrifying. He hoped his family never got hit. He did put in a call to get his plane ready. He wanted to know what this was about. Why had they gone this far to get him to help them?
He also noted to his second-in-command what had happened and why. He had realized a lot of it but that HYDRA was the real threat was not good news to him. He'd put his wife and son into better hiding immediately while he went to New York to figure this plot out. Why him?
Xander walked the baron into his house. "Hey, Phil." He gave him a hug. "This is actually Uncle Phil instead of the one from this realm. Bucky?" he asked, spotting him. "You good?"
"I'm fine, Xander. Thanks. We're just back. Our Coulson is in bed." He looked at the other Phil then at him. "That's really weird."
"Weird is he's from that realm with the teenage genius that helped you with the memory thing and he's a God," Xander quipped. "Over heros." That Phil nodded. Zemo moaned at that. Phil grinned at him.
"How can you tell it's that one?" Zemo asked.
"He has flannel. Our Coulson wears suits and dress clothes. That Phil has flannel and comfy things."
"Asgard's frigid," Phil agreed. "Xander's backup house there is near the ice fields." He looked at Bucky. "Do you still have gaps? I can get her little neuro bridge if you need it."
"That thing hurt greatly but I don't think I do." He sipped his water. "Baron," he said with a nod.
"Do you still react to the code phrases?" the Baron asked.
"I have no idea and please don't try. I'll break your face open." He took another drink. "We hid the ones in stasis."
"There's various groups and governments who won't give up," Phil said. "Unfortunately we're looking at the next Cold War arms race. HYDRA has their own version and a few soldiers from volunteers. A heavy loss ratio at over ninety percent, but they have at least seven." He looked at Zemo, showing him what he had seen. Zemo winced but nodded once. "It still needs stopped. If we do it, it'll look like SHIELD is hoarding it. If anyone else does it, it'll look like their government is trying to hoard soldiers. The only option is an outside source who has no stake in keeping super soldiers."
"No, I'd like that program ended." He looked at Bucky, who nodded. "Are you safe?" Bucky nodded. "How did you get your memories back?"
"One of the realms that was merged had a daughter of Stark who built a neuro bridge that forced everything back open. Hurt like a bitch," Bucky said. "Xander, your dogs are charging."
"Good. Is Lucky okay?"
"The mooch is on your bed," Phil said with a point. Xander nodded, going to pet his dogs. "The hormone condition really is bad," he said casually. "The Xander in my realm is the God Protector of Humanity."
Zemo winced then shuddered. "That is bad." He sat down. "So we need to do what? And my wife and son?"
"You can have whoever you want protect them. They deserve to be protected. They're innocents. I won't say HYDRA won't try them in retaliation. If you wanted to send them into protective custody the Phil here could arrange it. But letting SHIELD do it will mean SHIELD has access to the soldiers and the serum."
"I understand why and I agree it needs to be handled. As do his hormones."
"We've all tried to get him someone nice to date," Phil quipped. "And the other three like him in the convention. One's now got a sugar baby but it's not really doing it for him." Zemo shook his head quickly. "At least he didn't leak them out on you. It sucks when people chase him down the street to capture and screw him against his will."
"That would be bad, yes." Zemo settled into his seat, staring at him. "What can we do about this?"
"We can do a lot. We can destroy the ones rebuilding the formula. We can handle the ones in stasis. I'm not sure if the ones here were volunteers."
"Their records were spotty on that," Bucky said, coming out. He handed over a mug of tea before he sat down. "I know some in the US did volunteer and some were injected without telling them what it was." He sipped and relaxed. He saw a set of lights outside and watched. He was familiar enough with the area that no one should be parking at that place.
"That other guy's gate is about to get raided I think." He watched the people sneak out in the darkness. "Nope, coming here." He got up and Phil got into the armory to get him a handgun and one for himself. The local Coulson came out with his own already in hand and got the ones breaking in. The others got the rest.
Xander strolled out, staring at the surviving ones. "What did you think you were doing?" he asked mildly. They started to shout in another language so he hormoned them and they screamed in rage. "So your boss can have fun with you like he wanted to have fun with me. You might want to pray for mercy, people. Because I have very little and no one's made me feel more recently."
One tried to grab him so he shot him in the nose. "No. Not yours." He walked off shaking his head. "Goddess damned idiots," he muttered as he walked. "Let me know when I can clean up their blood or if I have to replace the floor. Thankfully I went with laminate so blood doesn't soak in." He slammed his bedroom door.
The local Phil looked then at the godly him. "Did they want his hormones?"
He tested one then shook his head. "Barton. Russian mob. Why in the hell does he have the Russian mob after him? We're not in one of those universes!"
"Unless they can be blow job minions, we can figure it out later," Xander called.
"Point. Go back to sleep, Xander."
"Yes, Uncle Phil. If they want to be blow job minions, save me one I can warp and break."
"They're not worthy of you, Xander. Who else did you get asked to save?"
"August for that one in Miami."
"We'll see if he's in this realm," Phil Coulson muttered as he walked off. "Name?"
"August Walker. He wants to remake the world as an anarchist with a bomb," Uncle Phil said dryly. "The one in Miami has him as his new minion so he's feeling sorry for his other selves."
The local Phil sighed but nodded. "Sure. We'll see if he's here or not and an agent or not. Though I'm glad we don't have Wade here." He went back to his room to look that person up. What he saw was not amusing but the guy was in jail for being caught. "Oh, good. Not an option. Xander needs better helpers."
Xander leaned around a portal, grinning at them. "I heard my magnificence noted?" He smiled. "Can I help?" He stared. "Are you this Xander's new boyfriend? He could really use one better than normal and I'm told you're probably at least good in bed."
"I have a wife and son," Zemo said. "So probably not. Who talked about me?" he asked with a smile.
"Pity. Hey, mini me, come help me? Please! We're sorting stuff for the yearly inventory." Xander bounced out with all three dogs. "Oh, hey, a furry one!"
"This is Lucky, he's Clint's dog technically but he's mine." He grinned and they hugged then went to bother August until he begged for mercy.
August carried Xander over an hour later and tossed him onto his bed then let Xander bring over the bags and boxes. "Keep yours here before he warps mine, okay?" He walked off sighing in frustration. "I'm going to rent you a third sugar baby to fuck your hormones out of you since two aren't enough," he growled. "Go sit down, Xander!"
"I'm fine, August!"
"Shut up and go play with your toys. Before I tie you down and make you sorry." Xander huffed, going to snuggle that Xander. August stomped back to grab his Xander and walk him off by his long braid, letting him close the portal once the two robotic and one actual dog were back over there. "That's more evil than I ever was, Xander. Behave!"
He gave him a shove. "Your toys are in bed waiting on you. Go play with them to break the hormones!" He pointed. Xander rolled his eyes. "I don't care! I don't think that one has a minion to even swear at the ones who give him things; it's wrong to get him more attention."
"He needs more stuff to be stable. He doesn't even have enough weapons. He has under a tenth of what I have." He grinned. "So we give him some of the tacky ones to frustrate his people and also to help him out."
August pointed. "Go. Before I give him one of the bags." Xander rolled his eyes but went to play with his sugar babies. August got a large drink from the bottle he had stored there for Xander headaches. Wade showed up looking amused. "Met a younger Xander with the hormones." He gulped a good half the glass.
Wade nodded. "We went there to help him. How's he doing?"
"No minions, no help, no boyfriend, bouncy as hell, has two robotic dogs and a real one, and gave me a migraine." He walked off after a second drink. "I'm going to nap in the spare house."
"That's fine. That Xander's young but we've all helped him get settled."
"He could still use help."
"Fine." He went to check on that Xander, which made Godly Phil smile and wave. "Just checking."
"He's fine. Walker knocked him out. How's being ascended?"
"Very different. I keep mixing up times and places. I think I left Anya in the fifteen hundreds the last time." He checked and went to tell his Xander what that one needed from what he had stored.
Godly Phil smiled at that. "Hopefully that'll help."
"That one was Canadian Special Forces," Zemo said. "Said to be quite brutal."
"That other Xander, with the hormones, had that Wade as a minion for a long time. They've showed up here to help the young one here set up easier. He still doesn't have all the things that the others like him among the Xanders have."
Wade and August brought a few more bottomless bags and dropped them in the armory. "To help him," Wade said. "Before he starts to turn into President Xander too. No one deserves that headache." He left again with August, who went to finish getting drunk. Wade could watch them tonight.
Godly Phil went to look and came out nodding. "Xander will need to do a new inventory tomorrow." He got himself some milk and settled in with a smile for Zemo. "Xander is a tiny bit nuts because of the hormones not being handled. That Xander has destroyed whole realms getting himself free. Ours is nicer, softer, and more gentle. Plus younger."
Zemo nodded once. "I can see why. If I knew of a person who was worthy of a happy spouse I'd introduce them."
"Boys with GHS hormones at Xander's level often need two," Godly Phil said. "This one is single. That one has a few sugar babies he wears out. This one doesn't even have minions. He's just got Hawkeye staying here most of the time."
Zemo shook his head quickly. "Perhaps he should set up a nice house where some vigilantes can stay?"
"Don't tempt me," the local Phil said. "It'd help us rescue him. Often. It happens all too often and Clint's on missions again. If you see him being held hostage, please do rescue him for us?"
"Gladly." He finished his tea. "Let's get back to business, shall we?" They got back to the current problem but Bucky could nap there for a few weeks until Clint got back.
Xander looked at the local Phil. "They gave me more?"
"Yes, they said you needed to do a new inventory and that it would help more. Wade showed up, Xander."
"That's cool. How is he liking being ascended?"
"He said he keeps mixing up times. He left Anya in the fifteen hundreds."
"Well, she was there during that too so probably not too bad for her. Something like a vacation." He shrugged, going to check the bags. They had inventories in there already. "Oh, hey, it's helpful! Is there a local August?"
"In prison for his plot to take down governments via nuclear bomb. He's too dirty to help you. Unlike that Xander, you do best with people who're only slightly warped." Xander nodded. "Look at the new presents? How tacky are they?"
Xander brought out the bag, nodding at the baron as he came down from a guest room. "Morning. There's coffee and stuff. Need breakfast?"
"I can cook," he said patiently but politely. "Don't put yourself out for me."
"I kinda enjoy cooking. I like to fuss at things and it gives me something to do beyond the inventory of presents that other Xander got." He looked at Phil. "Should we let one of the banking goblins come over?"
"Later. Let's see what you're putting in there first for Hovar to nest on." Xander nodded, opening a bag and emptying it.
Zemo stared at what came out then sighed and shook his head. "Oh, dear." He went to make himself something stomach soothing before he had to look at that horrible mess of twinkly things.
"That Xander and I talked. The one who was jeweling the weapons and garden gnomes was the guy who in another realm was the Joker." He grinned. "He had a DC tie in event thanks to Lavelle blipping in accidentally and finding out the Rick Flag in that uni was immie."
Phil looked that name up. "Interesting. Waller...."
"Super horrible cunt," Xander said, staring at him. "We should stop her." He grinned. "And if we have a Harley can we meet?"
"We'll see, Xander." He looked all that up, he wasn't as familiar with that comic company's main story lines. "Oh, dear. Yes, we need to stop that if she's doing it here." He nodded once. "Quite a lot." He flagged that report and looked up that colonel. "He in the military but he's not patient enough to handle you, Xander. Plus he's active duty. I'll have Clay's team brief him in case you or one of the others ends up taken over where he's serving." Xander squealed and hugged him then bounced off. "Inventory," he called after him.
"Let me go use my room of hands so I'm down a bit more."
"Thank you." He looked at the baron, who was looking amused. "He has a room with magical and mechanical hands to help him wear out the hormones." Zemo held up a hand before sipping his tea. "He's worse without any help."
"I realize that after looking over his information on that condition. I feel very sorry and hope quite hard no one in my family is ever stricken with it." He came out to look at the piled mess. "What is that?" he asked with a point.
Phil picked it up to look at. "The Book of the Dead only jeweled. Huh." He looked up the identity of the Joker to see if he could check on him in this realm. Under heavy psychiatric help because someone else had read those comics and made sure. "That's excellent." He showed him the comic version. "A version of him in that Xander's realm jeweled things for others and himself."
Xander came out slightly less bouncy. "Someone gave that Xander a cow. Award winning fluffy thing." He grinned. "It showed up with the ribbons."
Phil just nodded. "If you do, we'll figure out where to store it for you, Xander."
"I think three dogs are enough. And the cat in the gazebo." He looked at their guest. "Watch out for her, she pees on things sometimes when she's mad at us."
"Of course. I'm sure she enjoys the indoor gazebo."
"No, I expanded into a subrealm." He grinned. "I have a farm in one and a gazebo and pool area in the other with some special off-world plants from one of us that's working on Atlantis." He got his book to let Phil see it. "They finally got the Book of Xander Problems done."
He settled in to look through it. He smiled at the note in the front cover apologizing to any agents reading this for hints to stop. It had knocked multiple agencies into drinking hard and he was sorry for their hangover but better to be warned, right? He flipped past Uncle Phil's realm, he had heard. The next one made him blink. "One of you is President of the US?"
"Yes, demons took out all their politicians everywhere to get world peace." He grinned. "We had a general and his colonel then I got noted for being in battles so I was the colonel's VP and then I got elected for a term because I begged them to let me go to a different version of hell." He grinned. "I don't have plans of doing that here."
He snapped his fingers. "Oh!" Phil almost flinched at that manic look. "Your higher ups? They're still cranked. Now they don't want me to become Natasha, they want me to become Hill." He got that letter to show him with a grin. "I didn't share that one yet." The dogs came out together so he went to feed Lucky and play with them once they had used the dog area in the gazebo realm.
Phil read it twice, just to make sure then he took a picture and sent it to Maria Hill. She sent back a 'send a better picture please'. So he did. He sent it to Natasha too. Then to Clint and Stark just in case. Stark's answer back of 'if he takes over for Fury we'll be nice to him' was appreciated. "Xander, inventory." He sighed but came over to sort out things that he liked, that he didn't like, that needed dejeweled, and that he could traumatize people with. He stared at one that got put aside. "Is that mystical? I can see an aura."
"It is." He grinned. "They're not nice. But's handy to have. I can release it on bad guys. They'll have so much fun!" He beamed. "Though I did get the updated demon manual from Xander Weasley's demonology classes and the one from CSI Xander who took demon criminology classes. They're in the library, Phil."
He went to look. He came back with them, remembering to close the door. Zemo was staring at the door since the library inside had been a few stories bigger than the house. "We know," he said, sitting down to look them over. He blinked at the insert to the criminology classes that had 'useful and fun demons to use for things' printed on it. He flipped through that, shuddering and sighing at the end. "Are they here?"
"No idea." He grinned. "I can probably borrow though."
"Probably," he agreed.
"May I?" the baron asked. Phil handed that over while he went over the others. He read it over. "This pink thing that looks like a pokemon?" Xander pulled up a video they had stored in the book for him then let him see it but didn't watch it. Zemo watched it, frowning at what he saw. "That is disgusting."
Xander grinned. "Exactly! It's for warlords who want to own me!" He beamed. "I won't have much problem getting away while they fight it. In most realms that have them there's a dome colony of them somewhere in Saudi."
Phil cleared his throat. "That's good to know. Inventory your keeping pile, Xander." He did that with a hum while petting the dogs. Lucky was a great lap friend to help him. Samwise was letting the baron pet him and Frodo got Phil to pet him to calm them down.
Zemo looked at the dog. "You're very helpful, thank you," he said quietly. He put that book down. "May I get copies of those in case we may need them someday?"
"That's why we hold the convention. So we can share," Xander quipped.
Phil nodded. "They can talk to each other about problems they've been having." A demon appeared, pouting at Xander. "Yes, did you need something?"
"I would like this one to be mine."
"No," Xander said, shaking his head. "I'm not going to anyone but a human at this time. Thank you though." The demon tried to snatch him so Xander summoned a sword to deal with him. He fled before he could die. "And don't come back!" he shouted. "Mean!" He huffed, cleaning off his blade before sitting down again. He stared at the pile of horrifying things. Then at Phil. "Can I gift some to Nick so he's better set up?"
"Perhaps, though I know it's not a charitable thought, Xander." He looked at the baron, who was shaking his head quickly and muttering about saving his family from all that stuff if one ever got infected with the hormones. Xander hugged him but went back to his inventory duties. Then he went to handle the weapons inventory to make sure it was all there and noted. Zemo moaned at that. Xander grinned at him for that pretty sound. "The tougher he looks, the less they take him," Phil told him. "If you find him somewhere please help rescue him?"
"Yes, I can do that." They went back to the manuals and information. They were avoiding looking at the horrifying presents.
Xander bounced up to Hill with a box, kissing her on the cheek. "A copy of the letter they sent me. I was going to wait and give it to Natasha so she could tell me who they were so I could avoid them." He grinned. "And I have presents I can share so he's not as weak looking to those sorts." He bounded into the office to put the box on the desk. "From the Xander in Miami. That way you don't look as weak like everyone else would think you were." He bounded off again. He really had to find a way to wear these hormones out today. They were a bit backed up.
Hill was spraying air freshener where Xander had been, handing the can to Crill to do the elevator and halls. She walked in there to see the presents. "Do you want to see what's even more horrifying?"
Nick Fury looked up form staring at the jeweled odds and ends, and garden gnomes, to stare at her. "What's more horrifying than that, Hill?" She handed over the letter. He read it. Then he held it out further to read it again. "That..." He looked at the mess of presents of disgust then at the letter. He handed it back. "You're right, that's worse. Him being in charge of SHIELD would mean we all fell in for good." He got up. "I'm going to get something for the headache."
"I'll have those put with the diplomatic presents." He groaned as he walked off. She had them spread around as display items. The agents who were caught staring got extra work on how to watch things without seeming to watch them. It was an important skill for a spy to have. It was good of Xander to give them a way to learn if they needed more training.
It took an hour but they found out one was possessed. It woke up to bite someone then sing to them about being a willing concubine and slave. That agent got sent for immediate blood tests and got handed the allergy information sheet as soon as the gauze changed colors.
Natasha's phone beeped while she was tied up. "That's from my handler. May I?" she asked pleasantly. They let her see it, sneering at her. She read it and nearly shuddered but was tied too tightly. "No, we cannot allow that to happen." She got one arm free and took them down, taking her phone back and walking off holding the pretty heels she had been wearing. She had to...talk to some SHIELD higher ups. They clearly had no brains from drugs or something.
Hill looked at the meeting she had called. She put that memo on the overhead projector and stared at them. "Do we want this?" she asked. Everyone in there slowly shook their heads. "Then let's make sure it can't be accomplished by any means, people. Leave Harris alone, he was keeping it to hand to Romanoff.
"He handed it over with some tacky presents for training purposes." She smirked. "Give me ideas on how to stop that horrible fate for all of us? I can just see him forgetting what mission was going on and bounding off to get something candy to nibble."
They came up with good ideas to handle problems. Including handing Harris a few agents to work over if he did end up being in charge of SHIELD. Then she pulled out the notes she had gotten from that book of problems. She put them on the overhead and stared. "Ideas?"
"Ma'am, are we allowed to go to the step of demonic species genocide?"
"No. They're refugees. Peace is a great goal we all work towards." She stared at that one. "Though, I need you to alert Colonel Clay his people are briefing some people in the Middle East on all this and their demon problem guide." She slid down the copies of the books Phil had gotten for her. That pamphlet was on top.
"All of you need to memorize that top booklet. Just in case." She smirked. "That's mean but otherwise you can't defeat them." They looked that over, spreading it around. A few blinked at her. She nodded. "That booklet is one to brief Colonel Clay and let him brief others on. Just in case. That and on what a GHS is and how to save them. Two of the presents came from the Middle East in another realm so we're assuming we have their version here too."
"Yes, ma'am," they agreed, making notes from it.
That one agent met up with Clay where he was on downtime in Texas. "Colonel, special notices from Agent Hill at SHIELD." He settled across from him, getting the rest of the team's notice. They came over at Clay's wave. "First, Mr. Harris has gotten a few things that could matter on missions from another of him. Both books and information." He slid the small case over. "That is the digital format, a special booklet on some very...odd and dangerous beings. That is also information for you to brief a few others and a name list that Coulson drew up."
"Why?" Clay asked, sipping his beer. "We've only seen the kid once. He was even getting himself free."
"Because we believe it may be noted by some in the Middle East." Clay winced but nodded once. "Do we want Harris to destroy some very nice palaces? Welll...." He smirked. "The higher ups above SHIELD want him to take over Fury's place instead."
Clay choked, shaking his head. "In charge of SHIELD?" he demanded.
"Yes, which we're all fixing right now. But we were asked to please spread that to your team so you can go over it. To have you talk to the ones on that list somehow about it. Some you may know already through their own units." He smiled. "That booklet holds information on creatures or beings that could...complicate missions or may help them.
"We all had antacids for a few days at some of them but if they're the cure... don't let the normals hear please." He stood up. "I was also handed your next mission profile. It's in there as well. Happy travels, Colonel." He walked off happier. He was now officially on vacation.
Clay opened the briefcase to look at the mission profile. "Rescuing a team that's hostage. We leave in three hours." They nodded. He looked at the name list. "I recognize a few." He put it aside. He looked at the booklet. "What the fucking hell," he said then he grinned. "That slime can take over a being that's moving and suffocate it and there's no way to get it off. Huh. Yes, that could be handy." He handed that to Jensen. "Brief us on the plane." He nodded, taking it to read. He closed the briefcase and they left to pack and head to the base to get flown out.
At the end of their mission he had a few of them called to a nearby bar. He settled in at the table with Jensen. "This is a quiet talk about a few topics that I was asked to have you briefed about just in case. Not by your higher ups however. If they knew, we'd all be in deep shit."
Jensen grinned. "Your buddy Chuck?"
"Yes." He laid out the first thing. "This was handed over by someone on the other part of the talk. SHIELD handed that to us when he handed over that information. Because it could help, it could hurt a mission, but don't let the normals know. Or the higher ups. If they knew about other dimensional natives we'd go like Avatar or some other shitty movie."
The colonels looked and groaned. "Saw one," one said. Then he groaned. "Oh, that's why the local said to run away from it." He blinked as he read, then looked at Jensen. "Is the other intel worse?"
"Yes!" He beamed and nodded. "And just as mind warping." He laid out the printed copies of the GHS info booklet. "There's very few on this realm so this comes from another realm's sufferers. There, there's about three thousand in the US. Including some that the military gave to higher officers as good work certificates."
They looked it over. One frowned. "I've seen a guy like that."
"Yeah," Clay said with a nod. "They don't talk about each other but remember Chuck?" He nodded. "Him. The ones over here are probably just a few. But if they're not in danger and keeping it down that way, they've got to keep it down somehow. The worst case we have for that is in New York." He shared his file with them. "So far no one from over here has taken notice of him. Do we think that'll keep going?" They looked it over, including videos of him.
"Shit," Rick Flag muttered. "Super shit."
"Very." Jensen grinned and nodded. "We've ran into him once on a mission. He was getting himself free. He's had to get himself free of Europe nine times so far this year he said. Or in the last year." The colonels winced at that. "So if you catch him or someone like them?"
"Their rules say if they can loot let 'em," Clay said. "State Department knows. They have a filing cabinet with ones they've had to help get home. Also, that one tripped into HYDRA. Totally by accident." He smirked. "We got this information because he has a convention with other realm versions of himself yearly. They made a book with problems. He'll share if you ask but it's enough that whole agencies have apparently fallen down drunk."
"Well, one did become president," Jensen said with a grin. "Without the hormones though."
Flag stared at him then looked at the others then at him. "How?" Jensen pulled up the information on those demons. "And they...."
"Took out the politicians everywhere," Clay said. "So the US went to the Pentagon to hold things safe until they could hold an election. So they had a general and his colonel, then the colonel and that Xander. Then that Xander and another colonel." Clay grinned at him. "We're looking to avoid that topic so if you see one, drive them off. Before we're all horrified. The same ones that made that plan probably were behind the plot to have him head SHIELD."
Flag winced. "Oh, fuck."
"Yeah. Which is why we nicely got asked to spread this to you and a few others we don't know where they are." He handed over the name list. "Could you?"
"Gladly." Flag looked it over. "I know three personally." He shared and they noted which ones they could tell. He looked at Jensen. "How bad?"
"The hormones attract tacky presents." He showed him pictures. "Yes, that's a bazooka in that picture. The next one over is an RPG." They flipped through them and they all shuddered. They were not the sort to use fancy, shiny, jeweled artillery to blow things up. Just a bit too fancy for them.
The others shared a look then nodded. "Can we help him?"
"Find him at least one boyfriend," Clay said dryly. "He could use it to wear out the hormones."
"He's a pretty good cook, is really nice, and will stab you with a sword," Jensen said. "He has a magical garden area with flying robotic nymphs."
"I saw that on a film about the invasion in New York," one said.
"The kid built 'em and had them carry in reloads and guard shelters."
"Not a bad plan," Flag said quietly. "Why me? Am I due to run into one?"
"In another realm you ran into the Xander that shared his tacky presents," Jensen said. "So we think it may happen."
"If not, and you end up with one under you, you can defend 'em from being given as prizes," Clay said. "Though they keep checking to make sure Cougar isn't one."
"Him?" Jensen snorted. "I get asked every time we appear on base, Clay." He looked at them. "It's because we get bitches and we're pretty." They all nodded at that. He grinned. "So if you see Xander, can you guys help him get free and maybe sent away?"
"Yeah," they agreed with a nod. "And spread that around in case there's others we run into."
"Any other high profile targets that may get hit?" Flag asked.
"Nick Fury," Clay mouthed. "Lower level, not in great control either because he's single and overworked."
"Shit," the colonel on the end muttered. "Oh, no." He looked up. "SHIELD?"
"So amused," Jensen said happily. He handed over the test kit instructions. "Pretty easy to make. Goes on gauze. The more it's talked about the more likely they are to be kidnaped as someone's special buddy. And if they give in, they're castrated if they're guys."
"Or as Harris calls it, being owned in that kitty cat purring lap pet way," Clay added. That got a mass nod. "You guys have needs we can pass back?" They passed out letters to send for them because they couldn't tell people where they were sent from or where they were stationed. "Got it. Have fun, boys. Be safer than we usually are." They left them to nurse the headaches from the new information that may just complicate their missions.
Flag looked at the others, who nodded. "Testing?"
"This week," they agreed. "Do we have any gifted ones?"
"Yeah," Flag agreed. "I know one who has a mysterious mistress. He's going to get my foot up his ass if he's keeping human slaves." He got up and walked off with his copies of the information. He swore the whole drive back to his unit. In the back of his was a comic book for some reason. He read it that night while drunk. He stared at it. "Like fucking hell that'll go down," he muttered. "If I see that, I'm stopping it." He put it down and rested for now.
He was a bit too drunk to do much of anything tonight but have nightmares about being infected with those same hormones. Or being taken by one of those creatures they had heard about.
Xander walked up to a contact and kissed him on the cheek. "It's good you survived me getting away from you." He partially stunned him magically. He walked off, taking the idiot's present hostage with him. "C'mon. The last time I saw him, I stole his dogs." He smiled. "But you don't want to be here for his friends to show up. Most of them are nasty little fuckers who need to bathe more often." He cut her hands free.
"Go escape," he said with a smile. "Let me handle him if he tries for you." She ran off. He turned and shot at the guy's feet, making him pause to stare at him. "Not today, she's probably got a headache from you needing a bath. Again. I had plenty from that." He walked after her, finding her outside. "Blue sports car," he called, tossing her the keys. She got in and got it started. He got in and drove them off. "You an American? I can drop you at the embassy."
"Scottish," she said quietly. "Who're you?"
"Xander. I have a hormone thing that makes guys like that want me like I'm a treat." He drove her to the area with all the embassies. No Scottish one, but... "Would an English one work?"
"Good." He parked and got out, walking around to let her out. He walked her to a guard, nodding at him. "I rescued her from someone who had once kidnaped me. She's Scottish." The guard nodded, taking her inside to help her. Xander strolled off to his rental car, getting in and turning on the radio to drive off. That idiot was following him now so he had to loose him on the way to the airport.
They shot at him a few times but didn't hit the rental car. Which was about usual for a driving gun battle. He spun into the airport and into the rental area, hopping out and getting his bag with a grin for the attendant. "I rescued someone and their hostage taker is mad." He jogged inside to get his ticket and head home.
An agent pulled him out of the security line. "Sir." He had a British accent so Xander figured he came from that embassy.
"Is she not okay? I rescued her from the idiot who had me once."
The agent blinked a few times. "You have a SHIELD file."
"Probably warning about people who want to kidnap me because of my hormones."
"Oh, they didn't share that. Which is nice of them." He held up a hand. "Sniff." The agent did but shuddered and stepped back. "That hormone problem means that certain people, and I do draw a lot of arms dealers, want to own me like I'm a lap pet. I was getting free of another one and ran into that former idiot kidnaper. I saw he had a hostage so got her out of there and dropped her at the UK embassy. Is that not what I'm supposed to do?"
"Why not call the police?"
"Because I'm an American and ours don't give a damn if we're a hostage or being raped repeatedly until we're broken and they get to castrate us so they can keep us for good. I learned to be a self rescuing princess because of that. Though I do like it when I get help rescuing myself." He grinned. "If you ask Maria Hill at SHIELD she can tell you all about the hormones."
"Why don't you tell me."
"I have an extremely high pheromone and a few other hormone output. If I'm not weeding it out via things like sex, I tend to leak them out and attract shitbags like the guy I rescued her from." The agent blinked a few times. He pulled up the information on his phone to show him. "Do I need to change my flight reservation? I only have two hours. My dogs need me."
The agent stared at him. "Quit being cutesy, sir."
"I'm not trying to be. It just happens." Someone knocked and walked in. "Clint!" He hugged him.
"Xander." He looked at the agent. "Hey, Barton with SHIELD. Is he in trouble?"
"That same shitbag I met you at, he had a new hostage I rescued when I ran into him."
Clint nodded at that. "Good! Did you shoot him?"
"He tried to shoot the rental but no. I dropped her at the UK embassy since she said she was Scottish."
"Good job." An alarm went off. They looked up then at the agent, who was groaning and shaking his head. "Is he in trouble? I can help him evacuate."
"We really want to know more about this."
"Talk to Hill."
"Let's talk to him instead. We can evacuate him and switch his ticket around."
Xander held up a hand. "Are you trying to kidnap me?"
"Arrest you maybe."
"Oh, good." He grinned. "It's not HYDRA," he told Clint, getting a grin and a pat back. "The dogs are with Phil."
"That's fine. He can feed Lucky and your two." He patted him again. "Why is he in trouble for getting free of one idiot and rescuing someone from another?"
"He created a problem by not letting the police do it."
"The last police officer I ran into was in Germany and he tried to lick me," Xander said bitterly. "Not like he was going to *help* me. Some of us have to self rescue to be safe."
"You're an asshole," the agent said with a smile.
"Thank you! That's a great compliment!" Clint snickered, shaking his head. "It is."
"It is," he agreed. Someone kicked in the door so he shot at them. They went down. "Icers," he said. "Sedatives." He looked down. "Speaking of HYDRA."
Xander looked. "He is? I went on a date with him last month."
"Yeah, he is, kiddo. Which is probably why he took you on a date?"
"I have no idea but it was a great cocoa date. I had great cocoa and we shared a chocolate mousse to go with it." He shrugged. "He said he was an FBI agent."
"No, he was CIA," Clint said. "He's an idiot though." Two more showed up so he grinned and waved the gun. "Yes?"
"Who're you?" he demanded.
"Agent Barton. This is Xander Harris, who I'm helping protect about half the time. He's trying to get home from another kidnaping." The agent looked that name up and whined.
Xander shrugged. "It happens a lot. A whole lot. But I did rescue someone else from someone who had me once," he finished on a more cheerful note.
Clint patted him. "Calm down. Did the one who had you this time get too rough or anything?" he asked quietly. Xander shook his head quickly. "Who?"
"Did the idiot have a name?" Xander hissed it in his ear so he looked it up. "What the fuck?" he said, then stared at Xander, who nodded, lips pressed together. "Oh, she's gonna flip." He called someone. "It's us. Xander rescued himself from the guy who runs the Red Room." He heard the silence. "Yes, that one, Natasha." She said something quietly then hung up. "She's not happy."
"I'm not happy but he's really bruised. Or if it was someone using his name that one's really bruised. I got a bit mean." He shrugged. "He's at least got a whole lot of broken ribs and a broken jaw."
"She can build on that and if it was him, she'll have fun doing it. Calm down." Xander sighed but nodded, making notes on Clint's phone for her about what had happened and where and how he had gotten free, and about something that made him not want to hit the guy but he had done it anyway. Clint grinned. "Good job." He patted him again. "Guys, we gotta get him home to his dogs. Do we have more problems about him rescuing himself?"
The agents in the doorway shook their heads. The one in the room glared. "Yes! He caused problems and a huge mess!"
Xander looked at him. "What huge mess? I barely blew the fucker's doorway up, not even his house like I should have for taking me hostage! What did you expect me to do? Wait on *you* to get there and sob on you for being daring enough to rescue my ass? Puh-lease! We self rescue in our family because we *know* we can't trust guys like you or any other agent to do it for us. Agents have proven that more than once! Now, anything else today?"
The guy backed up. "Calm down. Are you carrying weapons?"
"I damn sure hope so. I should be so I can rescue myself." He patted himself down and put the knife in his bag. "There, better now?" The guy glared. Xander glared back. "Watch me call one of the other ones that wanted me to see if they'll eat you. They'd probably like that with how out of shape you are."
He looked at Clint. "I'm going to go get on my plane home. If he arrests me I'll kick his ass and get kicked out of the country so they can't bring me back here again." He walked past him, going to the right gate and checking in. He got himself a drink from a nearby magazine shop and settled in to wait and sulk.
Clint sat down next to him, letting Xander lean on his arm. "I know but some agents and officers believe they're the cure to all problems and it's nice that they try." Xander nodded. "If more officers were that way cities would be safer places to live." He patted him on the shoulder. "Sit up. You cuddling won't let the ladies flirt with me."
"Sorry." He sat up with a sigh. "This just sucks."
"Are you drugged?"
"Probably. I was unconscious so probably." He shrugged. "Not like it'll kill me."
"True. You'll heal." One of the doorway agents came over. "What?" he asked.
"Was he drugged?"
"Probably," Xander agreed. "I had been unconscious and don't know how he got me here. Or the mess he had to make since the last time I knew I was in the grocery store on Wednesday. I'm hoping that's yesterday."
"So they probably took blood and kept you sedated," the agent said. "Can we test?"
Xander looked at Clint. "Something else that wanted him hyped his healing gifts for ...practical reasons," he said dryly. "So he heals serious injuries probably ten times faster than we do."
"Can we try?" Xander nodded so the agent took him to a bathroom to take blood. "Thank you, Mr. Harris. Are you well otherwise?"
"Upset that it happened again. This is the eleventh time I'm flying home from Europe in a year." He walked off, going back to his seat. He got to board shortly.
Clint looked at him. "Herbs?" he asked quietly. Xander shook his head. "You'll be okay on the flight?"
"Probably. I'm tired." He settled in, he had a window seat, and rested against it once he was hitched in. Clint was a few rows away so hopefully nothing would happen. Hell, if the plane crashed Xander would probably still survive.
Clint kept an eye on him during the flight. He was emoting while asleep but not too bad yet. The lady next to him was sniffing him a lot so Clint glared and she quit. This was not going to be a great flight.
Maria Hill picked them up from the airport. "Let's get you into open air, Harris," she said quietly. They led them off to a service entrance to use that. It got them into a bigger, less populated area quickly. "What happened?" Clint handed over his phone with that text message pulled up. She read it and paused then swore. "Fuck!"
"It could've been someone using his name," Clint offered. "We told Natasha."
"She told me she was going off-grid to handle that." She handed the phone back. "You flew commercial?"
"It's faster," Clint said. "Faster to get back too."
"Yes it is. Complications?"
"The lady next to me sniffed me and got happy," Xander said quietly. "Otherwise I hope not."
"Good." She walked off with them again, taking them to a SHIELD SUV. She handed Clint the keys. "Bring it back later."
"Tomorrow," he quipped, getting in. "The dogs fine?"
"Coulson was not amused at him being taken from a grocery store. I even let him talk to those very...wannabe helpful agents over there."
"One wanted to arrest me for saving myself," Xander quipped. "Apparently it's against his code."
She nodded. "We talked to him too. Go home, rest, sleep." They went back to Xander's house and she went back to SHIELD. Coulson was there to handle things. "They're on their way home."
"I heard so Clint's getting him settled. Lucky was adorable for me. The other two were nicely fussy and stopped the person trying to burn the house."
"Yes, probably." He smirked. "Did you get to talk to them?"
"No. I didn't." She looked then nodded once. "They didn't make it here."
"Probably not. Though they all have trackers. I had Samwise hit them with one before I called in for a pickup." He handed over another tracker capsule. She took it to let someone figure out how to track them. They found them dead, in a river, and their van burned but the bodies were intact thanks to their tactical gear. She came back to stare at him. "Pictures of who picked them up?"
She smiled. "Thank you." She went to find that agent and deal with him. It turned out he was in the river too. So yes, she'd have an interesting day today. Coulson had taken files home to go over while guarding Xander. Clint had him sleeping on the couch with his head pillowed on his thigh for comfort. They could handle that easily.
Six months later, a few people's luck had come to an end. Xander was in a cell hanging by his wrists with his ankles chained down and the chains were mildly electrified. Zemo was shoved in and then the door slammed and locked.
Xander nodded. "Hey." He looked up and released the chains again. It set off an alarm but oh well. He undid the other two then threw them out the bars. "I'm tired of that shit. You're not amusing me!" The guards didn't even show up. He grinned. "You okay? Injured?"
"No. How long were you like that?" He was very confused by this young man. Especially about this incident. The research he had done on him didn't clear up anything.
"No reason to get free until I could get free," he said dryly. "Not like they were trying to torture me or rape me at the moment so it was harmless and I'd know if someone came in." He shrugged. "I was playing cooperative hostage." He heard a complaining voice and put Zemo behind him. "Dude, if my dogs are hurt you're going to die."
"Your dogs were fine when someone took pictures of them last night," the guard complained, staring at him. "How did you do that?"
"The same way I did the other nine times?"
"Oh." He huffed off with the chains. "We'll find some way to keep you in place."
"Give me some chocolate during a backrub, I'll lounge there for hours," he called after him with a wave and a grin. "I am cursed to hedonism!" He huffed, looking at the other hostage. "Want a weapon?"
"Yes, but mine were taken." This was amusing but a bit too weird for him. It felt like his brain might be swelling from all this.
Xander unhid his Xander belt. "It's a GHS belt. Me and the twins we merged with made it for rescues." He let him see what he carried. It'd help a lot. "I know we're on a cliff."
"I noticed." He looked outside. "Not even with a rope," he muttered. "What else do you have?"
Xander grinned at him then looked outside before pulling open a hidden thing against his skin. "It's a bottomless bag in a portal."
Zemo took it to look inside and moaned in there. But he did come out with a few weapons and bullets to arm himself. Xander took the portal back and resealed it then stuck it back into place. "How hard is that to do?"
"Takes having magic?"
"So probably difficult for most everyone. All right. Does anyone else know..." He waved a hand.
"Nope." He grinned. "I nearly pulled it out during the bad one a few months back but I was still working on it." He shrugged and turned to stab the guy staring at them. "I'm too pretty for you. Watch me grow the hair to hide weapons in too." He opened the cell door on the second try, letting out the better warrior with a hand wave and a grin. "I need to loot."
"We can gather intelligence files on the way out."
"I usually take something so I can remember them somehow." He followed, getting the ones behind them. They ran into a problem in the main room. There was Natasha, sitting on a desk, doing her nails. A lot of bodies around her. "Hey, Miss Nat." He grinned and waved. "Did you have fun and are you here to rescue me?"
"No to either, Xander." She stared at him. "Why are you here?"
"Someone wanted to test how to hold me in chains. And you're not Natasha."
She laughed. "You can't prove that."
"I can prove that. I train with Natasha at least weekly, dear. So who're you? And are you a threat to me too?"
"I have no idea who you are beyond interesting."
Xander hormoned her with a grin. "Now you can be interesting for a bit too." She tried to grab him so he zapped her with magic and froze her. "Oh well. Let's go, Baron?"
"Let's go," he agreed, getting into the computers to download all the information to a private server. Xander was looking at things and picking up something then putting it down and picking up something else. He decided on two things and walked out after the Baron did, making him shake his head. Xander handed over one of them with a grin. He stared at it. "That's probably a biochemical release."
"Well, they're bad guys. Bad things happen to bad guys who snatch me. Why would I care?"
"Point I suppose. You confuse me greatly."
Xander grinned. "At least you're not drooling at my feet like some royalty have. So you have class and tact!" He beamed and nodded, then threw the grenade at the people coming up the hallway. It exploded and they screamed. He hurried off. "Is it this way?"
"Yes. Go left, Xander." He followed after taking out the two who were still standing. Xander was grappling with someone but they went down and Xander fell on top of him but got up and took his weapons to use too. A few went into the portal and they kept going until they found a garage.
He picked out what he wanted and hotwired it. Xander followed, letting him drive. Zemo drove them off shaking his head but he was amused. Xander was very amusing and singing to the radio once he found a song he knew. There was a private airfield nearby. His plane wasn't there but they could hijack one.
Or Xander could call in some help and a quinn jet landed just after they got there to scout the airport area. Zemo looked at him oddly. Xander grinned. "My *one* ex-boyfriend I've had." He beamed and nodded. "Bit of a badass but very good in bed." He ran over and loaded himself. "Hey, thank you!" He hugged him then the pilot and others. "He's doing something for Phil."
The agent looked at Zemo, nodding in greeting. "Let's go. We need to wait?"
"We had a not-Natasha," Xander said. "I stunned her magically." He pointed at the large building. "We were there. They were testing how to hold me hostage and kept failing miserably by giving me things I could lockpick magically."
The agent hugged him again. "Calm down. I'm here and I can protect you." They took off to go back to New York. Even though that agent was HYDRA, desperately wanted to stop Zemo, and HYDRA *really* wanted Xander he did not want to see Xander turn HYDRA into his personal slave group of bodyguards and Zemo was too difficult to get at the moment. Especially when he saw Xander putting things back into the GHS belt. "What's that?"
"When we were merged, the twins there and I built this." He let him see it. "I keep it hidden but it's got things to help me rescue myself." He beamed. "It's very handy and you can't find it if you're not magical and me."
"Huh." He looked at the little pockets. "Few liquids?"
"Oh, that's explosives." He beamed. "They're weapons designers. Their stuff still has a lot of duct tape but it's great!" He wiggled. "One blew off the turret of a tank from about six hundred meters away. Sent the turret a mile into a nearby field when they tested it at the Pentagon."
The agent blinked a few times. "That's...I want to test that myself."
Xander grinned. "You've had to switch realms and get one from them, dear."
"I can't do that. What else did they show you?"
"We were talking about making my robotic nymphs into helper nymphs. Like the helper dogs and stuff for blind people or whoever but they can't have pets because of allergies or they're like me and people phobic anymore? That way they have the help they need."
"That's very interesting and a great idea. Huh. Those nymphs are really handy too."
"When Phil was recovering in my spare room I had them doing his daily movement stuff and bed baths."
"That's very handy, yeah. I could definitely see a use for that." He kissed Xander gently. "Relax. Take a nap with your friend there. We're going back to near your house." Xander nodded, going to sleep. He made sure of it by nerve pinch, looking at Zemo. "I know better than to go against him."
"He's very happy."
"It's an act, Zemo. He's actually getting to the point of people phobic because of all that mess. He's just really good at hiding it most of the time. Why are you two together?"
"They captured me."
"Oh. That makes sense. You need medical?" Zemo shook his head, looking relaxed. "Which Phil are you working for?"
"Oh." He nodded. "Shit."
"Yes but it's rather important."
"Sir, our handler is having us go in instead of taking him home."
"They don't want to face Xander down, deny that order," he called. "Before we get sent another tentacle plant."
"Tentacle plant?" Zemo asked. So the agent told him about the one that had appeared and taken out a lot of the higher ups over the lab programs. Zemo blinked. "I saw that in his Book of Xander Problems. It came from a pool with a great many sexual aids. The tentacles were meant to pull you in so you could use it. According to the book it went to Asgard during the merge. It was created by a God with Mexican food gas problems."
The agent blinked a few times. "Wow." He nodded once, making that note for himself. "That's a wacky plan that's almost a Xander plan."
"Well, on that realm, that Xander was the God Protector of Humanity, Loki's son, and mated to Phil Coulson." He smirked.
"Yeah, I don't wanna know, but damn. That would...I doubt our Coulson could handle him in bed though." He grimaced. "Wow." He nodded, making himself notes. "Is he related to Loki here?"
"Not that I'm aware of." He looked down then at the HYDRA agent again. "As far as I know, this one is just suffering from the hormones."
"Yes, he does. Which do suck greatly."
"It also got him given some very tasteless, tacky presents from another like him. They apparently hold conventions."
"I've heard. Great." He considered it. "Did they share?"
"That one was helping this one get a bit more bulked up in protections."
"Oh, yeah. That could help."
"Since he got given multiple jeweled weapons again, probably." He felt Xander shift so petted over his hair. "I must say, this is the nicest talk I've ever had with someone from HYDRA."
He grinned. "I know better than to piss off Xander. He will snap and destroy us all then take any survivors in as his bodyguarding detail. Which would get us killed by others who want him when we have to rescue him again. He got a whole unit that way last month. I'm not dumb, Baron Zemo."
"That's good to know. I hadn't heard."
"We're trying to cover it up." He settled in. "If that's us turning around, do not," he warned. "You don't want to do that."
"We're not in control," the pilot called.
Zemo gently tugged on Xander's hair. "May I have some of the explosives, Xander? Someone's taken control of the jet."
Xander moaned as he sat up and went to do something up there, which broke the controls. They had to land. They had no power to the steering functions. But it was a soft emergency landing. He came back grimacing. "Wow, your bosses are idiots."
"Yes, but they're greedy idiots, Xander." He stood up to take a kiss. "They wanted to bring you in."
"My hormones are a bit down but I can handle something better that way if I need to."
"Please don't. I like my team." He grinned. "Go be safe. Take the Baron with you. We'll watch the destruction."
"You be safe too. They might think that this is something other than common sense. Where are we?" he called.
"Poland. Outside a small city," someone called.
"Okay. I don't speak Polish," he muttered, opening the back door and walking off.
Zemo followed but did help by getting them back to his estate and then getting Xander home the next morning. His team was tracking all the information on Xander and they were very worried the Baron had brought home that dangerous person. Brought him near his wife and son even!
Though they were amused that Xander was playing with the kid most of the night like a big kid himself. They made sure Xander got back to his house the next day and handed Hill the information file since she picked him up at their request. Then they went back to check on their boss, who was amused and shaken. He hadn't started to desire Xander himself at least so they knew he wasn't *that* bad.
Hill got Xander home and read over the file from his living room. "Xander, you took out a HYDRA unit?" she asked patiently, for her.
"Yup. They were annoying and in my way. What did you want me to do?"
"Did they arrest them?"
"They mostly died getting me free from that one place in Bavaria?" He leaned out of his bedroom, clearly naked for a shower. "They were escorting me home when he got me and knew I'd make them suffer for good if they didn't help me because I had the self destruction button for their cockrings." He grinned, going to his shower. "Who was the not Natasha we ran into there?"
"I don't know," she admitted. She flipped through the file. "It's not mentioned. I'll see if I can have her find out. Do you need medical?"
"No. I heal, Hill. Thank you though. Some day I'll get to go to a different form of hell where I'm not tortured by the hormones."
She winced. "We can work on your safety, kid." She texted Coulson, who was in the field. Then her assistant, who brought the dogs back. They had been with them at SHIELD. Lucky ran in first. "He's in the shower," she said with a point. Lucky went to bark at his other human, who sat down to hug him. Frodo and Samwise, the robotic dogs, rolled in there too. Her assistant checked the mail and took the threats with her back to the office. So it'd be all right. Even if someone did try to break in. She shot them herself so the kid didn't have to.
They really had to have a meeting about the kid's safety needs and how to help him. Maybe it was time for him to take in a minion after all. She certainly enjoyed hers half the time.
The Chaos Goes On and On and On....