Chaos to Ruin You.
Xander looked over at the new guy to the party, shrugging some. He wasn't at home. He wasn't happy. This kidnaping shit needed to stop sooner instead of later. He didn't want to see Europe this way. He stood like a few agents he had worked with over the last few months. "Hi. Pleasure to meet you," he said, smiling and shaking his hand.
"I haven't seen you in this circle before." His eyes showed he was a bit pissed off.
"I wasn't until my boyfriend nicely decided he hated my muses and my pet and kindly took me from New York for a *vacation* without letting me tell anyone. Thankfully my pet's robotic and he can last on his own." He sipped the juice in his wine glass.
"Your muses take away from your time with me," his boyfriend chirped from his seat. "I haven't met you before."
The guy smiled at him. "Clint. You usually won't see me outside of the Eastern European meetings."
"I've been there recently thanks to this boyfriend's last competitor," Xander said dryly. "He was not amused." He finished his juice and walked over to get another one.
"Xander, it's hot, you shouldn't drink so much," his boyfriend chided.
"I don't usually drink," he quipped back with a smirk. "It's juice because it's hot out here and you had me dress up in the heavy suit. Really, I'd rather be running around naked by that pool you insist is only for show." He sipped his juice as he walked down the stairs. "Let me make the dogs quit barking. They're annoying." He waved.
The boyfriend sighed. "He's not happy. I don't know why. I give him everything."
"Artistic guys like that need time with their muses," Clint said. "It's like a mental thing with them."
"I suppose but then he does that all day and doesn't pay any attention to me at all."
"Which can be nice," Clint offered. "Time to do business things until dinner. If you give him a set time limit and then come get him for meals he might like that."
"I'll try that. You have one?"
"I had a girlfriend who painted."
"That's sweet. Was she any good?"
"No. But she was enthusiastic." He smiled. The other guys there nodded they understood that. They all looked at the yelp. Clint looked over the railing since he was closest. "Did it bite you?"
"No, the man eating mother fucking alligator *someone* owns tried to bite me and the dogs. It was thinking they were alpo. Dogs aren't for you," he told the alligator. "They're expensive, useful pets that are worth more than you because you'll only ever be a belt." The alligator lunged at him again but Xander stabbed it. "I told you you'd be a belt."
"Xander, that was a present," his boyfriend complained. "They're just dogs."
Xander glared. "Dogs are useful. They're fun to play with, they can do things like track people. Especially some of yours. The alligator is only good for food and belts. Sometimes shoes if you have tacky taste." He walked off shaking his head to check on the dogs.
"He has PMS," the boyfriend shared, cracking the others up and making them nod.
Clint shrugged. "I've seen worse, guys. It's the muse backup." The boyfriend walked down there with a sigh. Clint watched it, shaking his head when the boyfriend pulled out a gun to shoot the dogs until Xander stabbed him in the arm, making him moan and kiss him. Xander pulled back and snorted, going back to petting the dogs. "Are they always like this?"
"He's new," another said. "Very new. He only acquired him last week sometime."
"Ah. No wonder there's still problems. Bought?" He looked down there then at them. "If so, I'd like to know from who. Feisty is a good thing sometimes."
"We're not sure. They met in New York." They wandered off to talk.
Clint followed, listening to all the interesting gossip that was going on. He smiled when Xander was walked back up there. He also had his boyfriends guns and was a bit messy. "You okay?"
"Yup, but when we break up, I get the dogs." He looked at his boyfriend. "Really, I think it'd be better for them."
"We won't break up, dear. We're forever." He smiled and grabbed his champagne to sip.
Xander nodded. "If you're sure because we clearly have some different interests. I like animals." He walked off rolling his eyes. He walked up to one of the bodyguards, holding out a hand. "Phone please." The guy gave him an odd look so Xander took it from his pocket. "I need to call my robotic dog to make sure he's scanning the house for people to break in." He dialed Frodo's internal number, which was his old cellphone. "Frodo, it's Xander. Initiate scanning program B2. Good boy. Have fun." He hung up and handed the phone back. Then he walked off to go play with the dogs again.
Clint ran into the same guy that night. "Why are you out here?" he hissed.
Xander smiled. "He's asleep. Everyone's asleep." He held up the canister. "Security office is that way," he said with a point. "I've already turned off the cameras. Office is to the left and down that hall to the really ornate thing, then through the sliding bookshelf. I'm not happy and I'm going to have GHS PMS on this guy for kidnaping me." He walked off again.
"Sure," Clint agreed. "What does that mean?"
Xander shot him a smirk. "You'll see."
Clint checked out the other areas first. The office was nice. The sliding bookshelf wasn't hard to find. It messed up the carpet and left tracks when it moved. He left before anyone in the security team could wonder where he was. He heard a fire alarm start and ran outside. Xander was a vindictive sort who was burning the guy's Ferrari. "Ow," Clint moaned. Guards woke up thanks to the alarm and came out to put out the fire.
Xander smiled. "I don't like to be treated like a vase in the hall," he said in a sing-song manner. He smiled at his boyfriend. "I'm not a vase."
"I'm going to take that out of your hide, Xander."
"And I'll kill you."
"My guards will stop you."
Xander laughed and let his hormones go. "Really?" He stabbed him in the throat, not fatally but it was pretty bad. "Sure they will." He walked over one that was on the ground writhing. "Happy, guys? I'm feeling happier." He looked at them. "You guys have a better, happy night with each other. I give you permission to fuck all you want. I find it fun. You should too." He walked around the staring people. They moaned and a few reached for him. Xander stared at them. "I require wooing, not kidnaping. Learn that. Please." He smiled. "I know dangerous sorts like me but *really*. I hate being kidnaped." He went to pack up the new expensive clothes he had been given and the dogs. Then Clint was stared at. "You're nice."
"No I'm not." He smirked.
"Do you kidnap people or sell them?"
"No, I prefer physical ones. Especially older ones."
Xander grinned. "I love swords. I do a mean sword dance." He walked off with him. Once they were in the other car, he looked at him. "There's already two hacking devices on his computer. The physical files are in the blue safe, which is behind the ugly semi-old painting."
"They won't let me back."
"Yes they will." Xander looked and muttered as he drove them off. He let Clint out down the hill. "There, they think you left to hunt me down. Memory spells are wonderful when you're kidnaped," he said at the confused look. Clint got out and let him drive off. He went to the local embassy, who looked very confused. "I had a date that kidnaped me."
"Alexander Harris. I'm living in New York. He took me to dinner and drugged me. I woke up here. Thankfully I also just set his car on fire." She smiled as she made that note and got someone to help him.
Clint made it back up the hill, and sure enough they thought he had tried to hunt Xander down. Everything broke up for a bit and Clint found the nice safe once he had put the sleeping gas back onto the a/c system. That kid had ideas that were okay. Even though he had been acting in anger.
Nick Fury looked down when he heard a mechanical bark. "How did you get in here?" he demanded. It put up a projection.
"If you're seeing this, I'm presently starting to rescue myself from whatever stupid fucker has taken me this time," Xander's image said, looking amused. "I'm probably heading for an embassy if possible and if not, I'm definitely hiding near one of them if I can. If you're seeing this version of this it's because I'm pretty sure there's at least one agent near me. I probably don't have my passport with me and can you please call my literary agent, Frodo has the number, to make sure she knows I'm alive. Since I had to call the code to get Frodo to come to you, I should still be alive. Um... I have no idea how I'm getting home more than I need to go to the embassy. So maybe a tiny bit of help like mailing my passport to me please? It's in my left desk drawer. Thank you." The projection cut off and Frodo stared at him.
Fury looked down at him. "You're weird and so is your human but I'll look." Frodo barked and plugged himself in while waiting. "That's so damn weird. Any idea where he is?" The last call log got projected as Frodo moved through it to highlight the number. "That helps." He got Agent Hill to trace it. "Which agent is there?"
"Have him save the kid if he can do it subtly when he extracts himself."
She sent him a message. "He's already at the embassy. He had a fit on the supposed boyfriend, set his Ferrari on fire, and then stomped off. He did some sort of memory spell on the way out. He told Barton where things were except the weapons."
"With Harris' profile, he might already have the weapons," Fury snorted. He pointed. "How did his robotic dog get in here?"
She looked. "I don't know. Let me check, sir." She went to scan the security systems. She went back to the office. "He came up the garbage chute we don't use after linking into the building's system through the external card scanner on the maintenance door." Fury shook his head with a sigh. "So he clearly got plans somehow." She looked at the robotic dog, who put up a projection of his path. "Is that all you got?" It barked a positive noise. "Great. It's very smart. I can see why Agent Crill wants one." Frodo put up a picture of the house and three boxes that were on the floor but had been pushed together. "I'll send Agent Crill over to get them, Frodo. Thank you."
It barked a happy noise and wiggled some then settled in to wait. "Let me contact the State Department to see which embassy he managed to find, sir." She went to look at that search. She sent a note to them and the night duty officer said they had already processed his complaint and had found his passport in the system so he could come home. She thanked them and printed it, putting an extra copy in the kid's file. Agent Crill came up to get Frodo and clean up that mess. Within a half-hour Crill had called in for a team to pick up two knocked out people and one dying one from electrocution, and three tacky presents plus one that was either spoiled or a biological substance. Crill checked and got the people that Frodo had locked in closets, in the workshop, and in the artillery closet. That one got a longer look over but Crill had to admire his collection.
Xander walked into his house with a sigh, flopping down on the couch, picking up Frodo when he rolled closer to hug him. "Thank you, baby puppy." Frodo barked and wiggled so Xander laid down to cuddle him. "That sucked. We have to make sure they can't kidnap us again."
"Next time, use the artillery," a voice said. Xander hopped up and had a gun in his hand as he turned around. "Relax, kid," Crill said. "I was cleaning up the mess Frodo made of the guys who broke in. Also the cow's heart your neighbors sent you. They're complaining that you're always pounding things. I told the officer I turned it over to that your forge was on the other side of the basement so they couldn't hear it. They decided Frodo barking was you banging."
"Fuck them and they sublet," Xander complained.
"Basically that's what the cop told them too. That and you were allowed to own whatever sort of pet you wanted since you own this condo and robotic dogs were allowed by city law. He really liked Frodo after I told him that's why those guys had been unconcious." Xander smiled, putting up the gun. "The director said that Frodo showing up in his office that way was a bit weird, but he appreciated the warning. He also wanted your side of what happened since Barton got there late and only said you had a fit."
"I was tired of that shit by then. Yep, I had a fit so he could fit in better."
"Huh. Let's go over what happened and we'll formulate strategies for the next time. Okay?" Xander nodded, looking toward the kitchen. "The milk's gone. It was soured the day you got taken."
"I know. I was going to go grocery shopping after meeting him for coffee, then he showed up here. Who did Frodo get?"
"We're not sure. They're being kept sedated while someone searches for their identities."
"Oh. Okay." He sat down with a huff. "He showed up here and I didn't tell him where I lived. I suggested that nice tea shop by the park that I like to write in."
"That's a good, safe location." He sat down, turning on a tape recorder to go over things. The guy had caught Xander in the shower. There wasn't much you could do when that happened.
Xander looked over at the feeling someone was staring at him at the farmers market he liked. He knew that guy. He had met him a few weeks back while having a fit. "Did you come here for their veggies? They're usually very good." He smiled and held up a bag. "Veggies?"
"I eat a lot of them. They're supposed to be good for you," Clint Barton said, taking the bag to look at and dropped into his basket. "What are you doing here?"
"Supplementing my chocolate habit with things that are better for me." He looked over at the silence. "I live a few blocks away." He moved off to pick out oranges. "I miss living where fruit is easier to pick." He put them into his basket then moved back. "Watching me?" he asked quietly. Clint shook his head, picking out some apples. "That's cool then. Now that the renters next door have quit having fits and moved, I'm a much happier Xander." He grinned a tiny bit. "Did it help?"
"A lot. All except why I was there." He stared at him. "Where did those special boxes go?"
"The ones on his dresser or the ones he had auctioned off two days earlier?"
"The first set probably went to the guy in the blue chrysler that I wasn't allowed to talk to. He had a truck pick him up and he didn't do that much shopping in town." He walked off. "Rice dish for later. Want dinner?" he asked, looking back at him.
"Nah. I'm supposed to finish my homework tonight."
"I need to finish my edits." He grimaced. "Writing is harder than I thought."
"It can be I guess." Xander grinned and got rice. Clint got his own dinner and checked out, heading back to the base. He hadn't been there to follow the kid but it was good to know where he was. He'd have to check on that guy in the blue chrysler then on the kid's stash. He'd bet a few had come home with him somehow.
Agent Crill knocked and Frodo let him in. "Thank you, Frodo." He walked into the living room and stared at the kid. "Xander, the director wanted me to do an inventory of your non-stabbing weapons."
Xander looked over from his desk. "I'm not a little kid. Quit talking to me like I'm in first grade." He went back to writing. "Permission denied since half of them aren't from here."
"That's probably why he wanted to see. Just in case someone got into it."
"It's a magical and biometric system. I doubt they can unless they blow up the building and even then it's shielded and they can't get into it unless they become microscopic."
"Can I at least see them?"
"Nope. That is true boyfriends and Xanders only. Or maybe if I get an assistant like Wade he can do a few midnight petting things."
Crill grimaced. "Okay. Um, the director said I can arrest you if you don't let me."
Xander stared at him. "Your director is wrong. Because I'm not letting the twins' designs out without their permission. I promised not to. Also, that vault is alarmed so it won't open if someone else is here without setting off an alarm. That alarm will bring a lot of very tough beings who will kill anyone else in the house but me and Frodo." He smiled slightly. "Do you really want that?"
"How about this. Can I just count what types you have?"
"How many rocket propelled things you have?"
"No." He shook his head. "Because your director is a dick who likes to blackmail people." He stared at him.
"Did any come home with you?"
"No. I don't know the shrinking spell."
"Oh." He grimaced. "Can I at least look?" Xander shook his head. "At all?"
"If you want to face the guards."
"No, I'd hate to kill them for doing their jobs."
"They're mostly bulletproof and the rest have armor."
"Whatever." He stared at him. "Are they robotic?"
"No, they're run by the goblins."
Agent Crill shook his head. "I was hoping you wouldn't say that." Xander grinned. "The director still needs a..."
Xander held up a hand. "He *wants*. He doesn't need." He stared at him. "Beyond that, the more I have, the tougher I look, and the less I'll be taken. Therefore no." He stood up. "Unless your director is going to start rescuing me?"
"No," he admitted. "He'd leave that up to me."
"And you're not allowed in the field. So how is that going to work if there isn't an agent nearby?"
"I don't know," Crill admitted. "I haven't asked." Xander stared at him. Then he walked off shaking his head to make some tea. "I'll ask but he still expects me to come back with an inventory."
Xander stared at him. "I have less than the twins do in their apocalypse closet." He added water to the kettle to warm. "I have what I need to be able to protect myself and this block if I have to and the aliens come. Nothing's tank mounted. Nothing's nuclear or sub-nuclear. One of them did come from one of us that had a lot of intergalactic traveling experience but otherwise not up to him. Even if you broke in there and survived the guards, you'd never see them. They're hidden." Crill nodded, sending that message in. "Want some tea?"
"No thank you. I usually only drink coffee." He read the note. "Agent Romanoff wanted to know if you had something she could borrow. The director's not happy."
"Agent Romanoff's in England the last I heard thanks to someone trying to get me to date her," Xander said dryly. Crill looked at him. "They did."
"Did you report that?"
"You didn't tell me to."
"Did they know who she was?"
"I'm guessing so since they called her the Black Widow and told me she was a SHIELD agent. Then again, that guy said he was a former agent. She introduced me to his profile when she heard he was coming to the city."
Crill nodded. "That's nice of her. Who?" Xander went to get the email so he could print it off. He looked up that address and then sighed at what he saw. "Okay." He reported that to the director as well. That one had died. "He died two days after he got here."
"I saw him the day he got here and then he went to some deli to meet someone. Food poisoning?"
"Not sure," he admitted, adding that to the end of the current message. "You slept with Agent Richmond?"
"Yeah. It was a fast thing in the club. He liked how I moved. He had a nice dick but not much else."
"He's in the infirmary with a heart attack."
"That poor guy. Should I make soup? I'm pretty good at making soup." He looked in the cabinets. "I have everything but chicken. Is he a vegan?"
"No, they've got him on a special diet. The director wanted to know if sleeping with you had been the cause. Which I think is rude," he admitted.
"I'm told it's possible but I didn't put my back into it. The Xander I inherited the hormones from had a few that did that," he said at the odd look. "But I wasn't that hyper and I wasn't that active. It was good but not great. It wasn't even hard enough for doggy style."
"Okay. So probably not your hormones doing something?"
"If it was that, then the others would have had a lot of fewer sleeping partners," Xander said dryly. "They don't. None of my other ones have."
"Hmm." He typed that back. "We'll see if he somehow had a condition that sucked up more of your hormones. He's kind of...putting some out they think."
"Some people do have it too."
"He's not. They did the little test kit you let us copy and he's not." Xander nodded, pouring the water into his tea cup and coming out once the tea ball was in it. Crill put his phone up. "The director said you are to give me an inventory or he'll arrest you."
Xander waved a hand. "If you want to go against the guards, you go right ahead," he said with an evil smirk. "I'll miss you and write you into a book." He got back to writing. He sent the goblins an email to turn off the biometric system. He didn't want Crill dead.
Crill went to look at the vault's door. It was sealed. It looked like a regular bank vault door. He had no idea how to open those. He took a picture and sent it. Xander had said if he could get in and do so.... The director and Agent Hill showed up twenty minutes later and stomped down there. Hill figured out how to get it open. They walked in and were set upon by a lot of little men with big ears wearing chainmail and holding automatic weapons. And a dragon. They all ran out and upstairs singed from the dragon and Agent Hill was limping from the guards. Xander went down to hug them, pet the dragon, and close up the vault again. He came up and went back to his writing with his tea while they recovered.
Fury stared at him. "What was that?" he demanded.
"I have new neighbors. Please don't make them send me cow parts because you're loud," Xander said as he typed. "I told you there were guards and they'd kill you. They were being nice. They monitor the house." He looked over, typing by feel. "The dragon's name is Hovar." He grinned. "Hovar's nice. Frodo, they saw Hovar," he called. Frodo came out of the bedroom and held up an ice pack. Agent Hill took it to put on her burns. Xander shrugged and got back to his writing. "Good boy, Frodo." He grinned at the growl from Fury. "The more I have, the tougher I look so the less I'm going to need rescued. Nothing's tank mounted. It's all very safe with me. The goblins aren't going to go to war with England because there's no wizarding society here to treat them like they're creatures, even though they're very intelligent and very great people. Very strong warrior culture among them." Fury's mouth was open. Xander grinned. "Alex works with them at the bank."
"You're fucking insane," Fury complained.
"It's the muses and the lack of sex they're causing," he quipped back with a grin. "I need a real lover, not fun playtoys." He got back to writing.
Crill looked at his bosses, who were both scowling. "He did tell me the guards would kill us, sir, and they'd appear when the vault door was opened." Fury glared at him so he shut up. He looked at Xander. "Where does that vault lead to?"
Xander shrugged. "They made it. I have no idea where their vaults are. I'm guessing that's some Goblin secret."
"Okay," Crill decided. "How much artillery do you have?"
"Maybe a few pieces might qualify as more than really big guns." Xander looked at him. "I might steal some more from the next people who kidnap me but they had just auctioned off the stuff when I ran into whatever agent Clint is." He shifted to look at them, sipping his tea. "They were getting a new shipment the next night to hold another auction."
"They held it a day later than they had planned thanks to your hissy fit exit," Fury said.
"Did he get everything else he needed?"
"He did." Fury stared at him. "Over a dog?"
"I like animals. I like them more than people. Animals don't try to kidnap me."
"Fine. Whatever," Fury muttered, walking off shaking his head. He slammed the door. Frodo chased after him barking. Fury made it into the car before the little robot bit him, however he did that.
Agent Hill looked at him. "For security reasons...."
"If I tell you, someone will want to steal it," Xander said, staring at her. "If it's only a rumor then they might be scared off from coming after me. You have people above you with stupid ideas." He got up to get a letter. "Like trying to make me an agent." He handed it over to Crill and went back to his desk. "They were royal dumbasses and when one called to see why I had not followed orders I pointed out that I wasn't a male black widow. I wasn't going to sleep with people for gain. I definitely wasn't going to sleep with them to kill them." He stared at her. "They're idiots. Really huge idiots."
"They can be," she admitted. "I'll have the director take that up with them. We'd only want you to do that for SHIELD if you felt comfortable doing it."
"I hate to kill people. I might have to someday but not right now. Beyond that, I mostly want to be left alone outside of finding a nice person to formally date and live with. That plan's against that. Ask me if I'm desperate for someone."
"I can do that." She looked at Crill then at him. "As a tally..." Xander shook his head. "We can confiscate it."
"Hovar was just playing with you, Agent Hill. He's eaten more than one thief. They told me he's eaten a lot of attempted thieves in his six hundred years of life." He stared at her. "The goblins would take you out and then go against SHIELD because it'd be seen as an attempted invasion of their people. Considering that three war bands of goblins nearly took out their old wizarding society more than once, and it's studied in history lessons over there, I doubt SHIELD would survive for very long. Goblins are fantastic warriors even tougher than Klingons."
"They were wearing swords."
"So do I, but I can still destroy you in other methods. Including magic." She nodded and left it at that. Xander looked at Crill. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay. They can't blame me for you being a hardass to protect yourself." He smirked a tiny bit. "Can you brag to me or Coulson if you get new toys?"
"Maybe. If it's safe. The people above all of you have proven they have an unnatural interest in my life that's not healthy for me."
"Thanks." He left. He walked out to the car and got in to drive since the director was in the backseat. "If we could make sure his future boyfriend was the sort that we could work with that would solve that issue. He's right, our systems can be hacked and the higher ups have bad ideas at times."
"Including making him an agent," Fury snorted.
"If he was inclined toward being a male widow, it'd probably be a great thing," Crill said. "But he doesn't like to see people suffer, sir." He started the car and drove them off. "If he ever needs an assistant sort, he'll need someone like a tougher Pepper Potts. The original one had a former commando for that."
"Which is basically what he needs in a boyfriend," Hill agreed. "I'll see if we have anyone we can subtly point towards him. It would solve a lot of problems, including keeping him safer."
"They'd consider his training cute but not effective," Fury said, grimacing. "If we find one, more power to 'em. That's one less headache we have."
"I'll write Agent Romanoff an email to see if she has any solid suggestions," Hill said, doing that from her phone, including the information on what the higher ups had wanted the kid to do. Romanoff sent back she'd talk to them about nice boys not being that sort of boy and she would suggest it to a few others.
Phil Coulson looked up as Agent Barton joined him at the research base in Arizona, taking the messenger pouch from him to open for new orders and the change of personnel forms. "Your last mission go okay?"
"It went weird. I met your new not-an-agent." Phil stared at him. "He had been taken by my target. Kid had been getting pissy so he threw a fit when he figured out I was an agent. Told me where the office filing cabinets were and the stuff I'd need and huffed off like a pissed off boyfriend." He grinned. "He's got artillery."
"I figured he did."
"Agent Crill told me to tell you that the artillery vault door led to a goblin army and a dragon named Hovar."
"For some reason that's not all that surprising." He stared at him. "Did you two talk?"
"Not really. We met up twice in the grocery store." Coulson nodded. "He's...nice I guess. A bit weird."
"We've found out why. Were you briefed about hormone problems?"
"No." Phil walked him off to teach him about that. He could see Xander and Clint running into each other more than a few times if Xander kept getting kidnaped. Clint paused. "Is that why the director smelled like sex the other day?"
"Yes. Harris set off the director's condition. He's thankfully got less of a problem."
"Good to know." He considered it. "He doesn't, like, pounce people?"
"No. He wants a real relationship."
"That's good." He considered it as they walked off to the team's bunk area. "If I know anyone I'll gladly introduce them if they're decent."
"That would be appreciated. Xander could use someone nice to him and a tiny bit more protective than Frodo."
"Is that the little robot thing he had with him?"
"Yes. That's his pet robot. It's highly protective, can scan fingerprints, and has taken down eight agents to date with his tennis ball cannon."
Clint snickered. "Good to know." He tossed his bag onto a free top bunk and perched up there, staring at his handler. "Now what?"
"Now, we watch this site and Agent Crill is more than good enough to watch over Xander for me."
"Crill's not allowed in the field."
"We'll work on that when we come to it."
"Okay. If that'll work. Have you told 'Tasha?"
"Yes. She met him in person. She found him slightly charming but young and said if she knew anyone she'd introduce them."
"Good. I guess that's good. Is his type deadly?"
"He said only the deadly ones like him."
"Hmm. I know a few of those who aren't idiots. Boys, girls?"
"Doesn't matter. Good stamina however."
"I'll ask the ones I know." He shrugged. "Anything notable I should tell them?"
"He learned a self-defense style of dance that's highly erotic even in the war scenes."
Clint blinked a few times. "Really?" Coulson nodded. "I'd like to see that."
"We let him show us one of the dances. There's eighty hours of storyline."
Clint stared at him. "You're not joking?"
Phil called up the file from that testing, having to put in three passwords to get to it. Agent Hill had restricted it. He let Clint watch it, watching him break out in a sweat and then shiver before handing it back. "It was very nice in person."
"I can see that." He cleared his throat. "That's a good selling point to fix-ups."
"He's also a fairly decent cook."
"Cool." He hopped off his bunk. "Show me my spot, sir." Coulson walked him off to get him acquainted with the facility.
Coulson calls Crill a few days later to check on things. "Agent Crill, how is Xander?" he asked politely.
"He's stubborn, he's sure he's not the reason two of his dates have had heart attacks, no matter what the director thinks, but he won't tape it because he said he's not doing porn, he's bored, he's had two different 'coming out' dinners for the new book and he hates that part, he's caught something that made him lose some weight but he's gaining it all back, and he made you cookies. I've sent them through inter-office mail."
Coulson deciphered the near babbling and nodded even though the other agent couldn't see. "What sort of cookies?"
"Wonderful. I like butterscotch." He leaned back in his desk chair. "Have you asked him about any reason for the infirmary visits?"
"No. He said he's not riding them too hard or anything. He said it's not a known issue with the hormones. Usually something like that would take getting overly energetic. We asked him to tape one but he got all huffy because he decided that would be like doing porn and he wasn't into that. We couldn't even work him around to it by logic or rephrasing, which sometimes works well with him."
"I'll keep that in mind. Did you talk to the dates? Did they say it was from their time together?"
"No. They both had it happen afterward. Three out of sixteen isn't a bad ratio. Though, we do know that he's saving part of himself for a real relationship."
"Interesting to note and a good plan for him. He needs a good relationship.'
"Some of the agents have gotten to introduce him to others and they all like the kid. He's sweet. They all like that he's protective and they don't have to worry about someone trying him to get them. Though they think the self defense work he knows isn't the same as real abilities. Well, let me amend that. Two do now respect his skills. There had been some scary looking creature that attacked the park he was in. The two agents were jogging and came over to handle it. Xander beheaded it before they could and then bounded over to babble at them like nothing had happened and they were hallucinating the short battle."
"Blowing smoke up their asses so they didn't think he was scary, sir. I asked when one mentioned it to me so I could make note of it in his file. Which is getting thick. We have two new suitors who have not an idea why they want the kid but they do. One sent VanCleef and Arpel's." Coulson grunted. "Pretty but girlish. I helped him find them and send them back. If I ever retire, I'm going to see if he wants a scary assistant sort."
"You'd do good at that," Coulson agreed. "Your skills in the administrative and diplomatic areas are very well noted, Agent Crills."
"I wouldn't let the kid get lost while writing or let him be taken either," he said dryly. "There's only been two of those and both times Frodo had to sneak in to let us know. I taught him where my office is so he can find me instead of bothering the Director. Agent Hill asked him if he'd build one for the administration to do things like delivering files that no one wants to say they got. The kid said he could but Fury shot the idea down and told her to stab them with the notices on a dagger or something. It'd be cheaper."
"I'm sure the little robot would be well liked around the office. It might even stop the stress relief habit in the mess's storage area. Have we found anything new about his hormones?"
"No. Not in the least. The director's pushing them but nothing new. Fury accidentally got a spice rub that had one of the banned substances and it was not a good night for him. They quarantined him in his rooms for two days."
"That's a logical procedure since it can leak out to affect others."
"That's basically what they said and then they mandated blood tests for everyone."
"Good. Are agents on field missions getting one?"
"When you come in."
"Fine. I'll alert the agents here. Has anyone else tested positive?"
"Not yet. Oh, one thing. Director got the Council to rescind their order to make the kid a male Widow. They weren't happy about it but the kid assured them he wasn't going to kill anyone but them unless he had to. Then he somehow made imps appear in their offices to screw things up, or they appeared there in Harris' name since he was still in the office talking to Hill about his little collection he won't admit anything about."
"Has it grown?"
"Yup. We caught him buying something."
"Anyone else catch it?"
"Good. Thank you, Agent Crill. Have a good day."
"You too, sir. Happy cookies when they get there." He hung up.
Coulson called the personnel officer. "I'm expecting a package interoffice from HQ. Thank you." He hung up and considered Xander. He'd have to talk to him when he got back to town.
Xander accessed the convention realm and looked around. No one. He sulked for a minute then headed for their bookcase. He had a few things to look up. Someone stepped out of the shadows so he squealed and pounced him. "Hi, Lavelle."
"Are you that bored?" he asked with a grin.
"No, I need to look something up." He got into the book he wanted.
"Didn't we make you copies of books?"
"Yup but not this one."
Lavelle looked then at him. "There shouldn't be any immies on your world."
"I'm not sure. There's one that feels...weird but it's not the same as I get from the other immie Xanders." He looked at him. "It makes her aura feel weird though."
"Hmm. Agent?" Xander nodded. "Anyone else give it to you?"
Lavelle considered it. "Is it the Black Widow?" Xander nodded slowly. "There's something like the super soldier formula. They call it Infinity Serum."
"So it makes them immortal?"
"Suspends cell aging and gives them super healing if I remember right." Xander nodded slowly again. "I don't know how it works. That wasn't covered."
"Okay." He considered it. "Would that lead to quickenings or anything?"
"No. Probably not. Do you think it's a problem?"
"Well, we found out Fury has a lesser GHS condition." Lavelle shuddered, shaking his head. "So I'm not sure. Could it be?"
"Maybe." He cuddled him while they talked about it. They could see. Comic store Xander might know more about it than Lavelle did. They called him to ask him and he admitted it shouldn't make them feel immortal to them. Or even pre-immie since that could be the feeling they were getting. Xander thanked him and they went back to his place to work on things. Xander needed to rearrange his artillery and Lavelle was good at knowing what he might need to grab based on what happened usually in New York City thanks to all the comics. A few less practical things were in the very back. The goblins were amused and Hovar came over to help so he could get petted. They liked that.
Xander snuck into SHIELD, though he had called Crill to tell him he was doing that and to please waylay a certain agent for him. Lavelle had agreed he should ask her if she knew anything about it, because if there were other immortals on this world he needed to get into better practice in case of challenges. He found her suite and knocked, slipping past her when she opened the door. He sat down, staring at her. "One of the other Xanders is from a world where we once again have a tv show and they picked up that you feel like that."
He put down the DVD he had brought. "They said you feel pre-immortal to them." She stared. He explained how that worked and what it felt like. She slowly shook her head. "The one of us that owns a comic shop thought it might be a reaction to the Infinity Serum stuff. He's got comics going back nearly thirty years, including a lot of yours because the teenage boys like it." He shrugged. "So I'm asking you and letting you know so you can figure that out. Because if you are, and you need sword lessons, I'll let you practice with me."
Natasha sat down, looking at the information on the back of the DVD. "I don't believe it'd work the same way. I do heal but I haven't died yet. This is a very odd conversation, Xander."
"You'd rather I just think and worry and wonder?"
"No. It's wise to bring such concerns to me." She patted him on the hand. "I do not know that it would be but I will definitely ask people who have more knowledge of the serum than I do."
"I had them check on the Director when Comic Store Xander noted he had gotten it and they said he felt the same way only lesser."
She blinked. "I'll definitely look into that. Being immortal would be...horrifying really."
"The ones that are said it's not totally bad. You make your own family. They created one out of their students so they won't lose them. They're not fertile so they can't have kids to miss but that one said he might adopt some day. He helped raise me," he said with a grin. "He did a pretty good job."
"That's good." She patted him again. "I'll definitely look into it. Now that I know that I give off a faint aura essence I'll have to find a way to mute it. Would it matter to those who don't have a slight magical gift?"
"I don't know who to ask except my mother's coven in Devon. They're supposed to be light side but they have plans sometimes."
"I can evaluate them to ask such questions to. Thank you for warning me." Xander grinned and pulled out a bag, handing her the cookies. "Thank you."
"President Xander said all girls like chocolate chip cookies sometimes. It's a girl thing." He shrugged and grinned. "I'm glad. It'd be sucky to miss everyone around here. If you want to spar you can still come spar with me." He kissed her on the cheek with a blush and left, sneaking back out.
She put the cookies into her secret stash and then sat down to watch the first episode of the tv show. She had the idea but it was a bit weird. Her, immortal? How very strange. Though that aura essence was a worry if her target of the moment was magical in nature. She went to get an energy study done of any weird energy fluctuations she had going on. Plus to dig into the files of the Infinity Serum.
Then she'd talk to Coulson about getting to know that comic shop owning Xander so they might look at what they said about their lives. It could be handy to have some insight for preparation.
Godly Phil Coulson appeared that night beside Xander's bed, sitting on it. Which woke him enough to make him blink at his uncle. "You've probably confused the me here," he said with a slight smile. "But I needed it." He shifted to face him. "There's something we danced around with you."
"My magical conception?" he asked with a grin.
"No, there's going to be a time when the one you were vowed to will be in conflict with the one you vow to." He stared at him. "There's going to be doubt and worry about planted agents. Fury's just like that, Xander." Xander nodded. "At those times, all you can do is what feels the most right. Even if he'll try to pull your help."
"Is it going to be bad?"
"Yes. Especially for the me here." Xander grimaced but nodded, hugging his knees. "You'll do what you can with what you have. And then possibly hide like hell from SHIELD. Though that will make them worry more." He grimaced. "It's something that no matter what you do it'll draw the wrong conclusions."
"I can understand that. I'll just hole up in here and mourn or whatever."
"Good boy. Don't be *too* reactionary. Remember, guys like the director plot. Always."
"So he's like a witch?" he asked, hugging him.
"In many ways only without the magic." He cuddled him. "You'll do fine and it's not soon but this way you have time to figure out things." He kissed him on the head like he would his kids and tucked him back in. "Rest. It's going to be a long day."
"What if I talk to someone, like you, about that?"
"I don't know if it'd help. Especially since the me here is going to be injured during the battle."
"Eww. Can I help with a healing potion?"
"I don't know. I have no idea. That's not my area."
"I'll ask Xander Snape then."
"That's a good idea." He patted him on the head. "Try to rest." He disappeared, going home.
Xander grabbed his specially charmed phone, done by Dumass, so he could reach all the other Xanders with phones. He found that one's number and sent him a text message, getting one back that he'd make one for that Phil. They all liked Phil a lot. He had calmed down the wildest of Xanders.
Xander was frowning when he walked up to an agent the next afternoon. "I need to see the Director. Can you have him call me at least? It's kind of important." The agent gave him a confused look. "I'm Xander. The one with the hormones? I'd usually ask Agent Crill but he's off today."
"I can pass that back up the line, sir."
"Thank you. Have a good shift." He walked off still looking confused and worried.
The agent called that in to the check-in number. "I just got stopped by a civilian named Xander, who said he's the guy with the hormone problem, and he wanted to talk to the director. I don't know if we have anything on him. Oh, not our agency. Okay, that makes sense. Can you let them know? He looks worried. Is he an agent? I know they have some screwy ones." He nodded at their notes. "Thanks." He hung up and decided he should pick up something pretty for his wife. It always made him feel less worried about the world, because if that guy was an agent the world was doomed.
Xander walked into the house and found Fury sitting there being stared at by Frodo, who was growling. "Thanks, Frodo. Down boy, good boy." He tossed him a treat before sitting across from him. "What did I tell you guys about how I was born?"
"Is this that important?"
"Yes. But not yet."
"Is this like you sneaking in to see Agent Romanoff about something?"
"No, actually, I got warned by another Agent Coulson. Uncle Phil's married to Godly me." Fury blinked a few times. "He's the son of Loki. He's the one that came to rescue me but while they were talking, Loki showed up to bless me to him. He's not my *chosen* deity but he's the one that basically soaks up all my chaos output." He shifted. "Uncle Phil said it's going to be important sometime in the future that the difference between who I'm vowed to and who I actually choose to pray to is going to come into a problem. He said no matter what I do at that time it'll be a problem. You'll think I'm evil no matter which way it goes because of that link."
"Okay, so apparently Loki's going to do something big?"
"I guess. I don't know."
"We've seen Loki once," Fury said dryly.
"Was I here then?"
"Okay then ..." He waved a hand. "He also was talking like the him here would be hurt. I've asked one of us that knows a lot about healing potions if he knew a way I could help."
"If Loki shows up, just get out of the way, kid."
"Some of us have fought bigger and badder than him, Director. Some of us have taken on hell gods and the like. Just because I'm young doesn't mean I don't have their memories. President Xander took on a lot of apocalypse battles as the field commander and he taught me a lot. Like that one demon in the park, if I have to I'll jump in. But I don't want you to think I'm evil and on anyone's side except protecting people."
"I get that," he decided. "And it's a good warning we needed, kid. If something happens that means you have to jump in, do that. Call Crill or Coulson first if you can. If you can't just apologize later for whatever you had to do. With that warning, I won't automatically assume you're working for the nutso Asgardian."
Xander grinned. "He's a chaos god."
"He's an alien."
Xander stared at him. "He's a chaos god. That's why he blessed me to himself." Fury shuddered. "That was before the curse went off."
"My mother asked a vengeance demon to make me as strong as any of the Xanders across the universes. Which is when I got cursed to the hormones and I got cursed to the slight bit of magic, and it's what made me so stubborn and such a fighter and a lover." He smiled. "It's not a bad curse. All curses are double-edged. The rest of us backed up slayers but there's none here, that's why the coven talked my mother into having me. Somehow she got Xander DNA from somewhere."
"So somehow they knew we'd need a warrior and chose you?"
"The me in other realms always backed up slayers. Since they were teenagers. Like tenth grade teenagers." Fury winced. "They handled apocalypses, at least one a year. They handled bitchy slayers. Some went on to train the slayers that got called when the First Evil got defeated by going to Africa. We're all fighters and lovers, but some of us are more stubborn than the rest. I'm just like they are, only I'm a mix of a few of them thanks to the curse."
"I guess that makes sense. You don't want to be Iron Man, right?"
"Nope. He does huge things and we usually got called the Zeppo because the slayers thought we were *normal*."
Fury snorted. "I know agents like that. Romanoff tends to make them sorry for thinking that." Xander grinned. "Fine. If you have to step in, do so. If you have to step in with that hidden artillery of yours, or the dragon, go for it." Xander nodded. "Try to warn us first and if you can't, definitely apologize and give me a field report afterward. And if you hear someone's hurt Coulson, you have my permission to try to fix it." Xander nodded. "Thanks for the warning, kid." He left, going back to his helicarrier to talk to Hill. "The kid got a visit from a Coulson that was married to a Harris," he said as he walked past her.
She followed. "That's a disturbing thought."
"That one's the son of Loki." He looked at her. "He told the kid that there's going to be another visit from Asgardians."
"Charming. We'll make plans, sir. Anything concrete?"
"They think it'll go after Coulson. The kid, apparently all of them, backed up slayers since tenth grade." She groaned, shaking her head. "Though the slayers thought he was *normal*. So if he has to, he warned he'll jump in." He shut the office door and looked at her. "Also, apparently when he was born, Godly Xander, the son of Loki, somehow managed to bring our Loki for a few minutes. Loki blessed the kid to himself to suck up the chaos he creates but it's not his chosen god."
"Interesting. So if something happens....we would have suspected he was working with him if we found out later," she realized. Fury nodded, looking smug. "All right. If he has to jump in, we can work around him."
"I told him to tell us first and if not, apologize later."
"That'll be noted, sir. Any other surprises?"
"He was almost certain something would happen to Coulson," he said quietly.
"I'll make plans for that. That way we can do what we have to do."
"Thank you." She nodded and left. He sat down feeling smug. That had opened up a few new questions about that kid but it had also solved some others. Now if only he could figure out just what made the kid tick, maybe he could get him properly trained so SHIELD didn't have to have an agent on-call to help him.
A Phil Coulson he hadn't met appeared, an older and more relaxed one wearing jeans and a button up shirt, popping a file down on the desk. "I doubt that."
"You're.... the one he talked to." He nodded with a slight smirk. "Your husband send you?"
"No." Fury sat up hard, staring at him. "Then again, my mate is a lot more powerful than just his son." He stared at him. "That's on the main Xander that they got the hormones from. There's no SHIELD in his realm. That's from the underground. That one's not very involved but somewhat. They didn't want to bless him like the one that was raised by demon hunters, or the one in Miami that was tough enough to not need help as often. It'd leave the coven out of things."
Fury opened it to read, eyes going wide. "Damn." He flipped past the semi-naked picture of the guy with the hair. He read it over carefully. He looked up. "Same dance?"
"Yes. Only they seem to be able to do it. And occasionally one hacker in Miami."
Fury went back to reading with a grunt. That made some sense and the kid was a more innocent version of this one. He finally closed the folder to stare at this very odd version of his agent. Was that baby spitup on his shoulder? "The kid this good?"
"Better. He's better trained. Yes, you'll always need someone to be listening. Guys like Xander, they get taken a lot. Xander gets taken a lot. Even the one that's tough enough that he took down a whole unit of zombies while he was coming down from an attempt at brainwashing by a general." Fury shook his head. "He's very stubborn and saves himself most of the time. There's still times it's been necessary. With who Xander draws...." He smirked. "It'll be worse here. This one's more innocent."
Fury handed back the folder. "How do I make him stronger?"
"You don't. You're underestimating the steel underneath the happiness. If he has to, he'll handle it and then let it wash over him. It wouldn't be the first time he's stabbed someone who wanted him. He did the other day in the park and no one noticed. All the Xanders are very good at being overlooked. You're doing the same thing."
"What happened when Loki showed back up?"
"Don't use my good cards this time. I'll be mad." He smirked and disappeared with the file. He left one file there. It held one single picture. It was a picture of a portal in the sky above New York's skyline. Fury blinked and nodded, getting Hill in there to hand it over.
"I saw the Coulson clone, sir."
"That was him from one of the other Xander realms. He's married to one there." She stared at him. "He called him his mate."
"Okay." She looked at the picture, shivering. "That's...that's probably a really bad thing."
"Probably," Fury agreed.
She took it with her to talk to the lab techs. Maybe they could figure out something before it happened. Or how to stop it once it did.
Fury took some tylenol and went to his rooms to think and rest. Fury using Phil Coulson's sacred hero trading cards meant that things were going to go to hell and he'd be doing something to draw people to him by using Phil as a martyr. Martyrs never lived. Yeah, he wanted the kid to find a healing spell and he'd do what he had to do to make sure Coulson got that potion too.
Xander was at dinner when his phone beeped. "Sorry," he murmured quietly, glancing at it. The message said simply 'do you know what this one does'. He sent back a 'no'. He got back an answer. Xander tucked his phone into his pocket. Another people seller. Great. "Sorry, the house's security system. The neighbor was knocking." He sipped his water. "You said you're a securities guy? Like investments or like security team stuff? Bodyguard maybe? You do have nice muscles."
The man smiled. "Investments. I keep in shape for the fun things outside the office. You? Jogging?"
"Not often. I learned a self defense dance style and I practice it daily."
"That's handy." He teased Xander's hand. "We should go soon."
Xander smiled. "I'm not that easy." He finished his water and looked at him. "I can walk you to your car."
"I can give you a ride home. Cabs are atrocious in this city. The ones in Europe are at least clean."
Xander laughed. "They can be, yeah." His phone beeped so he frowned and looked at it. "That's Frodo's programming," he muttered. "Someone's trying to break in. Yeah, I'll accept that ride." He put his phone up. The message had said to bring him to the house so they could arrest him. The guy nodded. Xander put down half the dinner tab. "I'm not a girl to demand my dates treat me." The guy smiled a bit. They left together, Xander letting him open his car door for him. They drove back to the apartment quickly. It was only ten blocks. Xander had chosen that restaurant because it was so close to his place. Xander got out at his apartment, looking it over. He heard the other car door close and his date walked around. "Looks like the system got them. That's good." He pulled out his keys. "I can only offer you water. I'm out of coffee." He looked at him.
"Sure. I can make sure no one actually got in."
"If so, we'll know. Frodo will have them on the ground." He opened the door after hitting the security key on his keychain.
"Maybe they were a diversion," he said.
Xander turned, sneering at him. "Really?" The man smirked and lunged but Xander kicked him down the stairs. "Sure, they can do that." Someone moved behind him. That meant they were known to Frodo. Xander shifted to elbow them. It got caught but he fought like hell. The guy did stick him with something but yay. He healed pretty fast. "Frodo, this is a bad guy," he called. The little robot launched a ball at the guy's head, knocking him out. Xander panted, holding his arm. "Call someone? This is not good. Not a sedative either."
"The only antidote to that poison is on my island," he date said, looking smug. "If you don't come with me you'll die in about three days."
Xander stared at him. "I doubt that. I'm immune to a lot of poisons."
"Not this one. It's specially made."
"Yeah, but I'm kinda immortal," he said then shot the guy. Officers got there before agents. "This one stuck me with something but he landed on the needle," he said. "My unfortunate choice of dinner companion said it's a poison and if I went with him he'd cure it." He put his gun up and sat down holding his arm.
"Sir, I need the gun," an officer ordered, holding out a hand. "Slowly and carefully please."
Xander moved his shirt. "Grab it." The officer reached down to get it. "I've got two knives on my back waistband in a holster and another on my lower calf." The officer got those. "This isn't the first one that's tried this."
"Sir, he's a well known investment banker," another officer said with a smirk. "You're..."
"Worth over sixty million myself?" Xander asked dryly. "Why yes, I am." That shut up the idiot. "Are you in his pay too? Like this one that happens to be an agent? He was in my house and the one who stuck me." A dark sedan pulled up so Xander looked over. "Hi." Agent Hill.
"What did he do, Harris?"
He tossed over his phone. "The messages I got." She read them, grimacing. "So I did as ordered and I got him back here for you guys. Then he told me the breaking in part was a diversion. This one came out of the apartment and stuck me with a needle. The pathetic date sort said it's a poison and only he has an antidote on his island."
She walked up to hand back the phone. "No, he's got a graveyard on his island home." She checked his arm. "It's already healed the mark."
"I do have pretty good healing. I'm immune to most poisons too." She nodded once. "I think he landed on the needle when I had Frodo hit him."
She kicked him over. "Yes he did. That is Agent Crill's office-mate. He probably told Frodo to trust him if he had to show up since Crill is office bound." She handcuffed him and called in a team. "Boys, give him back his weapons," she ordered, holding up her ID. They groaned but did that.
"That one nicely told me he's an investment banker," Xander quipped with a point at the officer. "I had to point out I'm not just a writer."
"You are a bit wealthy," she agreed. "It's wrong to judge who the victim is by the heaviness of their wallets." That officer huffed off. More agents showed up. Including Crill, who looked at his partner then kicked him on the head. "Thank you, Agent Crill. Take Mr. Harris inside to get a statement; download the messages from his phone."
"Yes, sir." He helped him up and inside. "Need medical attention, Xander?"
"No, I'm immune to most poisons." Crill paused on his way to the first aid box in the kitchen to stare at him. "I am."
"We're still drawing blood, kid." Xander sighed but let him do that then check him for other injuries. The bruises were already fading. The needlemark was gone. "How did you do that?"
Xander shrugged. "I've always had speedy healing." He handed over his phone. Crill looked at it and downloaded it to his phone then did a security turn around the apartment, finding all the things that shouldn't be there. Including the two incendiary devices. They got handed over to the response team. They came in to do another sweep with him and Frodo. Xander got comfy on the couch while watching them. He yawned and drifted off until he got nudged, blinking up at Fury. "Not my fault," he complained.
"No, it wasn't." He sat down. "What happened?" Xander went over the date. Fury nodded at things. "That's a good plan for the location and the safety procedures. That restaurant's a piece of garbage for food though."
"It wasn't *bad* tonight. Not great like the other Xanders make but not *bad*. There's nowhere close enough. I've looked."
"We'll figure out a safer restaurant that makes people like their food," Crill said from the kitchen. Xander grinned at him. "We found one extra incendiary device in your bedroom. Apparently they hate your clothes."
"I like my clothes. They can bite me if they're still alive."
"They are," Fury said. "That was a poison but your blood was actively fighting it. Why?"
Xander shrugged. "I've always healed fast and been immune to a lot of poisons."
"Any idea why?"
"Are any of the others?" Crill asked.
"No comment. Sorry, that could get back somehow and that would endanger them."
"Sure, I get that," Crill said, because that was an answer. You didn't 'no comment' for 'no's.
"Was he really in people selling?"
"No. He was in kidnaping, destroying, torturing, and then killing," Fury said.
Xander grimaced. "I hate guys like that. They suck."
"They do," Fury agreed. "You okay?"
"Bit dizzy but I'm okay. Why did that agent work with him?"
"No idea yet. I'll ask him when we let him wake up," Fury said, standing up. "You safe enough here?" Xander nodded. "Do you have a security system beyond the little robotic mutt?"
"Hey! Frodo's not a mutt."
"Fine. He's a nice pet for you. You can't forget him."
"I nearly brought home that one guy's dogs. He was mean to them and Frodo might like regular dogs. The embassy workers said they'd find them good homes since I had rescued them."
"He might," Fury agreed. "Quit playing at being an airhead, Harris." Xander shrugged, grimacing some. "Other security system?"
"We have a lot of magically activated ones. I'll make sure they're not cut over or anything."
"I can sleep on the couch if the kid wants me to."
"If you feel better doing that, I don't care," Xander admitted, looking at him. "I'm going to bed." He stood up and Fury got out of his way. "Night, guys."
"Night," Crill said. He handed Frodo an energy treat on his way past. Fury pointed at the couch so he nodded and settled in to guard the kid while Fury went back to the office. Agent Hill could have a talk with someone about that officer who decided Xander was evil for not being as rich as the guy who attacked him. Crill definitely got the better end of the bargain since he'd get breakfast.
Natasha showed up the next day, smiling at Agent Crill since he had answered the door. "I'll take over for now."
"That's fine, Agent Romanoff. The kid's still downstairs working out." She nodded so he left after a pet to Frodo.
She looked at him. "Show me where he's sparring?" Frodo led her down there and she watched then picked up a padded staff to jump in. Xander grinned at her. It wasn't a style she was used to but she could tell the moves easily enough. She couldn't block anything yet but she'd learn. "How did this style come about?"
"It's a series of teaching dances."
"Ah." She nodded, and they got back to it. She noticed the few bruises she gave him were almost instantly healed. "Should I ask about the subject we last talked about?"
"No. Please don't in case they left listening devices again. You're the only one that knows about that topic."
She hummed and spun to block something and try to trip him but Xander jumped her tripping attempt and managed to block her next few blows. "Are you?" He nodded. "Why?"
"The one with the hormones are." He shrugged. "Just how it turned out."
"Very interesting." She stepped back. "Teach me these dances?"
"Only GHS seem to be able to do them. I can try though." She nodded. He put their weapons up after checking them over. He showed her the first few moves of the first dance. She was graceful and could handle it, even though it wasn't as graceful as when he did it. By the time she was sweaty from the first dance she was exhausted and shaky. Xander grinned. "That's one half of one of the eighty hours."
She stared at him. "That's a lot." He laughed, leading her upstairs to feed her and get her some water. "I'd like to see them all done."
"I can do a little over an hour at a time right now. I'm building up my stamina."
"That's always a wise idea." She finished the water and got some more, sitting down at the breakfast bar in his kitchen. "Is there a way to watch them all?"
"Miami Xander has the whole set to teach the society there."
"The society?" He got the booklet for her to read while he made them nice panini sandwiches with tomatoes and bacon on top of cheese and chicken. He handed her one and sat down next to her.
She looked up. "Are there many with that extra gift?"
"Totally different topic. Some of the two groups intermix but no. It's not from the same source. The DVD was right about that."
"Good to know."
He leaned over. "Methos kind of started the society to help each other," he said in her ear. Then he sat up to eat.
She smiled. "That figures. He was a hedonist." She put the book up and looked at him. "If you could procure copies I'd like that."
"I can ask." He found his special phone and sent that message. That Xander appeared with a squeal to bounce around and babble at her. He was a huge fan of her comic. She blushed a bit but he calmed down and babbled less. It was nice to be liked for being herself. He had brought a full copy of the tapes and something pretty for the new Xander. Who hugged him and squealed back for the present. He got one for him from the workshop. They compared and gushed then the other one went home to tell Wade and the guys. Xander set up the first DVD in his system and let her have the remote. He tried on the braided thick necklace then carefully put it up for the next time he had a date. She was staring at the dance with her mouth slightly open, not blinking, not moving, barely breathing. He smiled and got her more water. The dances made a lot of people want cold water.
Natasha called Coulson that night. "I am sending you copies of those dances through interoffice mail," she said in greeting.
"Thank you. Did he make them?"
"He got them off another like him. I'm..." She cleared her throat. "I have never seen quite that style of dancing. It's most...amusing."
"Good to know. I'll keep Clint from watching them." She laughed. "How is he?"
"He's fine. Last night was a bit hectic. Thankfully his healing worked well on the poison he was given by the torturing freak and the agent who was on the wrong side."
"Crill did get to kick him a few times. I sparred with Xander this morning. The dances are quite difficult and I can't figure out how to counter many of the moves yet."
"I'll keep that in mind. Spar with him if you want, Widow. He could use the sparring practice."
"I was going to anyway. I enjoy being the most deadly I can be. He sent you larger cookies this time. They're in the same package."
"They were adored last time. Half got stolen by the agents." He looked at the one in his doorway. "Barton's here, Natasha." He held out the phone so they could talk. It was good Xander was settling in and Natasha was a good role model for Xander to have. Plus she'd make sure he was more deadly if something happened. When Clint hung up he took the handset back. "We're getting tapes of those dances."
"She said that and to not steal your cookies this time. I didn't get any last time, I heard late."
Coulson smirked a tiny bit. "You can have one this time."
"Thanks, Coulson. You're all heart." He strolled off happier. Being in the middle of nowhere was always more fun when he could talk to Natasha.
Six days later, the package finally got there. It had two stamps on it of 'biological material' and 'do not taste test'. He wasn't sure why but Coulson found the cookies delightful. Barton did show up out of nowhere to steal his promised one. "What're those?" Barton asked.
"That dance that led to the self defense work. Natasha's taking lessons with him and made me copies." Clint stared at him. "She said it's highly difficult to beat."
Clint nodded, taking one of them to pop into the machine in there. They both watched as another Xander, one who was slightly older with a lot of hair, started to teach them the new steps they'd need. They fast forwarded it to the actual dance. Clint tipped his head to the side. "Damn," he said, walking off eating his cookie.
Coulson blinked a few times but it was mesmerizing. "Now I see what she meant." He turned it off when he heard footsteps. The DVD's got bundled back into the package and he hid the cookies so he got more of them this time. He'd love to see if Natasha could do those dances. She'd probably look better than a skinny guy like Xander.
Natasha limped into the infirmary that night, wincing as she slid onto an exam table. "I'm learning a new defense style and pulled three muscles." The nurse got the doctor out to make sure she was right and prescribed her a few days of medicine. She limped back to her room and found Xander there. "I can't practice tomorrow."
"I have two free tubs in my place," he offered with a grin. "You can't soak here."
"No, I cannot." She took a pill. "I can do without it."
"I had the same soreness, and the same groin pull from the leaping," he offered. "My personal one has jets and I'll let you bum it. I'll even sleep on the couch and I'd never expect more than you to say thank you."
She tried to sit down and he had to help her. She tried to shift her position and couldn't. "I may take you up on that." He helped her back up and down to the hired car. She smiled at that necessity. The boy was not allowed to drive by order of Director Fury. The last time he had tried, the officer trying to give him a ticket offered to forget it if he got to lick him. Once they got back to Xander's apartment he helped her run a hot tub of water, turned on the jets for her, pointed at all she should need, including two bottles of water on ice he brought in. He left her two books then went to sleep on the couch. She locked the door and got naked, sinking into the water with a moan.
"This will help," she decided. Her phone beeped from her pants pocket, which was halfway across the room. She made complaining noises while trying to get out. It slowly floated over, making her smile. "Thank you, Xander." She caught it. "I have it." He let it go and padded off again. She opened it. "What?" She listened. "I am in no shape to go on a mission this moment. Three pulled muscles from learning that self defense dance, one of them a groin pull, Agent Hill. No, I'm not on base or the helicarrier. I'm at Xander's apartment since he has a real tub with jets." She opened a bottle of water to drink half of it and sank lower.
"Two days. The medical team said I needed two days. Thank you." She hung up and put her phone next to her. Something bumped into the door then Frodo picked the lock and rolled in, putting down three nicely warm folded towels, just out of the dryer by the scent of dryer sheets, and then turned so she could take the plate of warm toast with cinnamon and sugar. "Thank you, Frodo." He barked and left. The door got closed by his tail and however he had unlocked it locked it again. She settled in to relax and nibble. The toast was just sweet enough to satisfy her need to have something and the toast was gentle on her stomach, which was upset from the pain. He had a good hand at fussing.
Phil Coulson found his favorite agent watching those tapes in his private room. Only supervisors got private areas because they had to deal with paperwork. That way the lower agents couldn't see them swearing at the director about it. He cleared his throat as he shut the door, making Clint flinch. "She's learning from him."
"That's....that's good," he decided, turning it off. "That should be outlawed." Coulson smirked. "Even if it does lead to a sword fighting style." He handed over the remote. He looked at the tv then at him. "Think Nat would mind if I imagined her doing them?" he asked with a grin.
"I don't know. That may depend on her mood and what you imagine her wearing doing them."
"Point. But something new I can tease her about." He smirked. "How many of those are there?"
Clint shivered. "I won't tell anyone you have the tapes, sir. That'd be mean and you'd never get them back. We have a few prudes on base that think sex is evil." He left, going back to his bunk by way of a cold shower.
Phil set down things and rewound the tape. He hadn't seen this dance done yet. It was one of the more warrior oriented ones and that was a good prediction of Xander's skills with a sword. He was not going to imagine his agent doing those instead. He wasn't that sort of guy.
Chaos to Ruin You.