Note: Bionic looks like this http://puppydogweb.com/gallery/akitas/akita_green.jpg
A Toddler (Future) Hero
Tony Stark walked past Natasha Romanoff, handing over the squirming bundle that he had been carrying. "Your son's a pervert." He continued on his way to the kitchen.
She looked at the toddler then after him. "Why is he suddenly a pervert and what sort of one has he become?" She looked at her son. "You're not supposed to grope." He had been doing some of that so it was a reasonable idea.
"I was making out with Pepper and then she starts to giggle so I look where she is and find your son watching us," Tony called from the kitchen before coming out with a light snack and a beer. "I ask him what he's doing and his answer is 'pretty' and a shiteating grin that he usually gets about weapons. Straighten him out, Romanoff! It's not allowed to affect my sex life." He went back to his room and slammed the door shut.
She looked at her son and sighed. "We will discuss this new habit, son." She pulled out her phone to text the biological father one-handed. //You need to talk to your son.// James had to have *some* idea of how to talk about such things with another.
//Why?// was sent back.
//Your son has become a voyeur. He interrupted Stark and called them pretty.//
//The Dodgers are sucking so I'll be there in 30.//
She smiled at her son. "Your father wishes to talk to you about such matters, son." She walked him off so they could chat. She had no idea how to talk to him about sexual matters at his age. If he were an adult, they could have a constructive talk about such kinks, though she usually had that talk with someone so she could use it against them, but he was only a toddler and she wasn't sure they knew what a kink was about yet.
Uptown, one deceptively young looking guy looked at the other one sitting next to him. If you didn't know their ages, you'd never believe how old they were. Especially the one that had long hair like he was in some emo band; though the other had tattoos so not really that old fashioned any more. "I've got to straighten out the kid."
Steve looked at him. "What happened?"
"Apparently he's decided he's going to watch sex now." He got up to grab a jacket and headed out to the garage where his car was parked. Steve followed. "You sure?"
"With how stubborn Alex is? You'll need the help."
"Probably. It has to be because of that stupid diaper changing robot."
"Maybe it's because of the weapons," Steve said with a grin.
"I like weapons too, but it's never warped me that way."
Steve got in, letting Bucky drive this time. It was amusing each time Bucky had to be the responsible adult sort for Alex. It drove Bucky nuts but it was fun to watch. None of the team had any idea how to deal with little Alex, and Wilhelmina often laughed instead of helping them. That was mean of her, but Wilhelmina was a protection demon so they let it slide.
Natasha handed over the son when they came off the elevator. "Stark's not the first he's watched. Clint woke up to him trying watch him have fun with his date of the week. Bruce said he's woken up to find Alex just staring at him, then happy that he got up. Though he also said he barked at him." She grimaced at the child. "He is much too young to be knowing about such things or wanting to share by watching."
"Wilhelmina have a talk with him?" Steve asked, taking the baby to cuddle since he was reaching for him.
"She said she's tried a few times. She thinks he's trying to make sure everyone's happy." She stared at James.
"Well, that tends to make guys happy, yeah," he said dryly, taking the kid. "Let's go talk like men, kid."
"Pretty," Alex cooed, reaching for Steve. "Pretty."
"I am pretty, yes." Alex squealed and pulled him closer. "I'm pretty on my own, Alex, not with your dad. He's pretty with girls." Natasha was trying not to laugh or groan.
"Pretty mommy?" he asked with a huge grin.
"Not anytime recently," Bucky said. "If so, I'm sure she got happy too." Alex beamed at them. "Still, you don't need to check to make sure she's happy that way, son. It's not nice to watch people. I know you're two but still. It's not good to watch people when they sleep or snuggle." Alex cooed and cuddled him.
Steve shook his head when Bucky looked at him. "He's too young to understand. We'll have to start locking doors and telling JARVIS not to let him in."
Clint walked in. "Did she tell you she's gotten him to sit on the potty chair a few times?" He took the kid to kiss on the head since he was chanting 'kissy' at him. "Good boy." He walked off.
"We're talking about his voyeurism," Natasha said.
Bucky looked at her. "Guys pee standing up," he told her.
"How would I know? I don't have a penis I enjoy using. Beyond that, he has no aim."
"Good point." He looked at his son, who was happy wiggling. "You're so weird." He smiled. The baby barked at him. "No, I'm not a dog."
"Pretty, Unclie!" he said with a point at Steve.
"No, I'm not going to be pretty with Uncle Steve," he sighed. "He likes girls too."
"Pretty mommy too?" he asked Steve.
"No, I've never been pretty with your mom, Alex." Steve patted him on the head and got a bottle of water so he could cover up wanting to laugh at the kid having ideas. Wilhelmina came out to get him. "Any idea why this started?"
"No clue. Unless he had a vision where it needed to happen or it's carryover, but I doubt his team fell down in mutual post-apocalypse battle stress relief, because eww that would mean Buffy screwing Xander and that's just wrong. He's dangerous but not predatory enough for her." She took the baby to look at. "Why are you so concerned about that?" She read his mind and then sighed in displeasure. "STARK!" she bellowed. He came jogging in. "You read the baby porn?" she demanded. Natasha moaned, putting her face into her hands. "That's how he got the idea that everyone's having sex. You read him all-team porn." She handed the baby back. "I should punish you by making you change diapers." She walked around him.
"When did I do that?" he demanded. "JARVIS, defend me here please?"
"Last week you were reading him rather questionable stories you found online while you were looking at the newest fandom movements of the avengers, sir."
Bucky looked up. "How many of them had me and Steve?"
"Of the four rather longish ones he read to the baby, two had you two together, one had you two and a female between you, and one was all team in various...couplings if that would be the right word since it ended up with everyone helping Agent Romanoff get...happy. There were a few others under ten thousand words he mumbled about as well."
"Pretty," Alex cooed with a grin for his father.
"Stark, run," Steve said. "Just...run." Stark walked off muttering. "Well, now we know he likes that stuff," he said when Bucky stared at him.
"JARVIS, can you block him from reading that to the baby?" Natasha asked.
"I do not pick sir's reading materials, Agent Romanoff. I'm sorry. I can try to remind him he's talking to a toddler but he wasn't really aware the baby was in there until he wanted changed. Then he let the diaper changing robot handle it while he fixed something. Then you showed up to gather him from the lab."
"I remember that night. Has he done all this since then?"
"All but staring at Bruce," Clint said from his seat in the lounge. "That happened the night before then. I don't think anyone's figured out why he barked at him."
"He thinks shapeshifting means a werewolf," Wilhelmina called from the nursery. "Instead of him going huge and green."
"Ah," Clint said, nodding. "Okay."
She came out. "Or he thinks he's a hairless, green werewolf. One of the two." She gathered the baby. "Let's take a bath, Alex." He pouted. "You can have Daddy help if you ask him nicely."
"Me?" he asked with a grin.
"Sure, why not." He took him to bathe. Steve came to help because Alex was wiggly in the tub. "Why does he like water or is that an all kid thing?"
"Not sure. I don't think he had a whole bunch of water related time after the mermaid stuff. Though Bruce said he peed all that out." She shrugged. "Most kids like water." She smiled at Natasha. "You can take him into the pool. They make special diapers for that."
"I'll consider it. It might encourage him."
"I've already chased him away from the pool twice. He thought it was a huge tub and was hoping for bubbles." Natasha smiled and nodded.
"We can work on that," Clint said. "Then teach him how to swim so he doesn't drown." Natasha looked at him. "It's a good idea."
"It is," she agreed. "I have no idea how I'd do that though."
"Floating," Clint said. "Same as you were taught."
"I got thrown into a pool and figured it out."
"Okay, well, you start by learning to float," he said. "That way you don't drown when your brother pushes you under the river."
"I'll find a book or something," Wilhelmina said, walking off to mourn for both of them being not-kids. The group needed more kid innocence. She looked around. No other wish demons but she felt magic. "What is that?" she muttered. "Guys, we have a temporal spell going on."
"What?" Natasha demanded. She hopped up and looked at the sensor readings for the tower. "Near here but not here."
"If they come through, they'll have to go back or they could corrupt things," she warned.
"We can handle that." She, Clint, Steve, and Bucky, who was now amply wet and handed off the baby as he walked past her, headed for the elevator.
Wilhelmina looked at the baby. "Let's finish your bath before you crap on the rug." She carried him in there and got down to bathing him. He was wiggling and happy. "If you called the temporal thing into being, please don't." He cooed and patted her nose then splashed her. "Thanks, just what I wanted, to be in a wet t-shirt contest, kiddo." She splashed him back to get soap off him. He squealed and splashed her. "I'm trying to get the soap off you." She poured water over his head, making him splutter but giggle. So he splashed her again. She sighed but finished his bath then got both of them redressed and dried off. It was going to be a long night. He didn't want to sleep.
Wilhelmina's voice floated out of the living area. "Alex, I felt Thor pop in," she called. She smiled at the squeal. "Sorry, Lord Thor, but I'm presently fighting the food poisoning."
Alex squealed all the way out to pounce his very tall uncle who conveniently had a cape to try to climb up. He managed a few inches of climbing before Thor pulled him around to hug. "Thor!"
"You climbed me very well this time, Alex." He smiled at him. "Are you well?"
Alex kissed him then stared at the two women with them. "Pretty," he cooed, pulling one over to hug from the cuddly spot. "Pretty?" he asked Thor with a grin.
"Yes, she's quite beautiful."
Wilhelmina came out wiping her hands off on her shirt. "Sorry, I tasted Alex's baby food first and didn't realize it had spoiled. Food poisoning sucks." She took Alex back. "You're not allowed to ask about that," she said, staring at him.
"It's okay if he thinks I'm pretty," Jane Foster, Thor's girlfriend, said with a smile and a wave for the baby. "I have no idea about you little people."
"Unfortunately he's learned that word because he thinks you and his uncle would be hot together in bed. Someone was reading Avengers porn," Wilhelmina said dryly. Jane blushed but the other lady burst out laughing, taking the baby to cuddle.
"Pretty. Mine?" he asked with a grin.
"Sure, I can cuddle you, little guy. Who are you?"
"That's Alex," Thor said. "The Widowmaker and Winter Soldier's son. Someone made him come into being for nefarious purposes but he was rescued."
Wilhelmina smiled and waved. "I'm Wilhelmina, the nanny." She looked at Alex. "Hand out of her shirt, you know better." His hand got moved. "Sorry, he's a pervert. He's two but he's a pervert." She went into the kitchen. "I'm putting on some coffee, people. Anyone need anything else? Lord Thor, they're all out doing something with the press people who like to nag them."
"That's fine. We can rest." He took the baby back. "You are too young to woo a woman, Alex," he chided but he was smiling.
Alex grinned at Jane. "Pretty him?"
"He does think I'm pretty, yes." Wilhelmina came out to hiss in her ear, making her blush even worse. "So that's what that means."
"Yup." She walked back into the kitchen and came out with coffee mugs for them and a large bottle of juice for Thor. She looked at the baby, who was staring at her. "Did you want a cup?" He grinned and lunged over to grab her. "Okay, we can get you a sippy cup." She got him something to drink and let him wander again. "Stay inside." He giggled. "Stay inside or no toys in the tub later. Just a bath and no fun stuff." The baby wandered back toward the kitchen and jumped a few times. "You don't need bread." He grunted and pointed.
"He saw birds," Thor called. "He's mumbling about them."
"Ah. Sure, we can feed the birds." She took him and the bread out there to do that. He cackled at the birds, trying to catch a few. "Let them eat. That's mean, Alex."
Thor walked out to look down at him. "You must respect animals. Even pigeons. They serve a purpose in nature, even if they do carry diseases." Alex patted him and tried to climb him again. Wilhelmina shook her head but picked him. Thor took him back inside. "Come, I will tell you a story my mother told me once." He settled down to do that. The baby cooed, even though the story was in Norse. "Wilhelmina?"
She leaned in then grinned. "His ex, Anyanka, taught it to him, Lord Thor."
"Ah. No wonder he understands." He smirked at the baby. "Those memories will not fade, will they?"
"Nope. They left him with his visions. It'll be like a dream to him but he'll have carryover." She went into the kitchen. "Alex, want beef or chicken tonight?" He was silent. She looked at him. "What?"
"Pie!" he quipped with a grin.
"I'm not giving you pie for dinner. I'm not Clint or Stark, dear. What do you want for dinner? If you don't tell me it's broccoli casserole with rice." He grimaced and fussed. "Cow or chicken?" He pouted at her. "That won't work either, dear." She grinned and held up things. "Which one?" He pointed by waving a hand. "That'll work." She took them both back into the kitchen to fix him dinner. "Should I make extra for you guys?"
"We're good, thank you," Darcy called. She looked at the baby. "You are adorable." He crawled over to cuddle her. "Hi." She let him snuggle in and flirt with her, smiling back. "You've got game, kid. You've clearly learned from your uncles."
"The wrong one," Jane complained. "Babies shouldn't be sexual that way."
Thor shrugged. "He's cooing that she's pretty and snuggly like his mother but he likes her hair." Darcy grinned, letting the baby have some of her hair to play with. He kissed Jane. "Go put things into your lab?"
"I can do that." She stood up. "Let me go down to the labs, Wilhelmina."
She looked out there. "You're not my charge, Doctor Foster. You don't need a nanny." She smiled. "Take Thor before the kid decides he's giving pony rides again?"
"I can do that." She took Thor with her, making him smile.
Darcy looked at the baby. "It'll be cool. We can read or something. I know how to read." The baby smiled and patted her chest. "No, not yours. You're on a cup, not one of those."
"Not like his mom took stuff to breastfeed him," Wilhelmina quipped. "She was very confused about why he liked nipples though. I told her babies are like college guys, it's all about the boobs even if they won't do anything for them." Darcy laughed, hugging the baby and nodding that was a true thing. Wilhelmina grinned. "We have to keep him from bugging Stark sometimes. Tony does things like not realizing he's reading the baby porn."
"Awww, you poor guy. You already have the wrong idea about women."
"And his dad and uncle," Wilhelmina quipped. "He was checking the new avengers stuff that came out." Darcy shivered. "Exactly." She went back to cooking.
Alex sat up and looked around. "Pus!" he said with a point and a stare. "'Vis! Pus!" He wiggled down and tried to go outside.
Wilhelmina hurried after him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" She looked at the hovering helicopter. "Shit, that is HYDRA. JARVIS!" She ran back inside with the struggling kid. "You're too young to fight HYDRA, Alex. Stop it!" The defenses around the building went down and alarms started.
Alex looked around. "Pew pew!" Wilhelmina gave him a funny look. He ran for the elevator, pounding on it a few times. "Pew pew, 'Vis!" The elevator opened and Darcy followed while Wilhelmina called for help.
Darcy ducked into the lab. "Guys, HYDRA copter hovering outside," she said.
"They're bad?" Thor asked. "I have not heard of them."
"Yes. They're very bad and they're the ones that broke SHIELD," JARVIS said. "The landing pad is open, Lord Thor." Thor grabbed his hammer and headed up there. "Miss Darcy, please get Alex out of the weapons? He's a bit too young for them as of yet."
She ran back to where the baby was gathering things. "What are you doing? Why are you playing with a mummified hand?"
"Pew pew!" he said with a point. Then he looked up. "Damn it! Now!" A brunette young woman appeared, staring at him. "Pew pew! 'Pus!" He pointed.
She stared up then at him. "You have the shittiest luck, Alex." She looked. "We need fingernails for that one." He pointed. She got what she needed and crushed it on her way upstairs. She headed out through an open door and threw the bag of mixture onto the helicopter, watching as it burned. The forceshield around the cabin area burnt and that let Thor bring it down. "Still got it," she said happily. She looked down at the sound of little feet, catching Alex by the back of his shirt. "Do you have no sense!" she demanded. "You're two, not twenty-two anymore!" He looked up at her. She stared back. "Dumbass."
He grinned and hugged her. "Pretty Faith."
"Nah, not in this life, kiddo. I swore we'd never go there again after the last time I nearly killed you in bed because I was evil." Darcy made a squeaky noise. Faith looked at her and smiled. "We were both teenagers then."
Wilhelmina came out. "Faith? Guardian angel duty?"
"Yeah." She handed over the kid. "Because he has *no* sense."
"Did he ever have sense?"
"Not during battles," Faith sighed. The helicopter was trying to come back up.
"Pew pew friends," Alex said. Then he smirked at Wilhelmina.
She looked. Thor was fighting the others that were trying to invade the tower. "Faith, his weapons are hidden in that same room." She ran down to get some things. Wilhelmina looked up. "Hey, boss?" she called. "You wanna give me some leash room here?" She felt the authority hit her and handed the baby off. "Don't let him down. He'll try to help." She stepped to the edge of the roof and magiced the back rotor of the helicopter.
The metal blades turned into styrofoam. Not exactly something to keep you air worthy. Faith came up and sighted the rest of them. "Move, Thor," Wilhelmina called. He got out of the way so Faith could fire on them. That worked. The few left living from the demonic fire were gone now. They crashed onto the street, which was being cleared by police officers JARVIS had notified. The women looked down there then at each other. Wilhelmina looked up. "Any other HYDRA idiots coming?" She shrugged and changed back to human. "No clue according to the boss."
Faith looked up. "Mine either."
Alex walked over to hug her. "Cas," he cooed.
She looked down. "I am not Castiel to your Dean, Xander Fucking Harris. You'd never catch me in a flasher's coat or having a doubt about how to end humanity." She kissed him on the head. "I'll tell the others you're cute again. Maybe someone like Flash will come visit."
"Please don't send necromancers," Wilhelmina complained. "His parents get really weird about the chaos mages that show up now and then."
Faith grinned. "Us too." She dropped the tube and handed off the baby. "Let me go report this. Before the higher ups get pissy again."
"Bye," Alex said, waving and blowing a kiss. "Take pew pew?"
"No, I don't need a weapon, boytoy. I'm good." She smirked and faded out as Iron Man appeared.
Stark stomped over, looking at the weapons. "Who was that?"
"Faith. His guardian angel." She looked at him. "Yes, that Faith."
Stark moaned. "Okay. And this is...."
She pointed. "They were HYDRA. Had it on the side of the copter."
He looked. "I can see that in the mess. Thor, we good?" he called.
"Aye, they're all gone and nothing in the helicopter points to why they wanted the baby." He flew up and looked at Alex. "Why do they want you?"
"Dada," he said with a grin. He looked at Stark.
"I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, they'd want you for your parents. Let me call them...." He walked off to get the suit off and make those calls. "Barnes, Stark. HYDRA just tried to snatch your son. Fortunately his guardian angel helped Wilhelmina and Thor bring them down." He hung up on the swearing in Russian. "At least he's warned. JARVIS, pull up security footage please?" He did that. "Send a copy to Romanoff's phone, or Barton's phone, whichever one doesn't have it turned off at the convention. Thank God I was at the engineering symposium instead."
Upstairs, Darcy looked at the kid. "Wow." The baby grinned and got down to come cuddle her. "Sure, we'll go cuddle inside where there's no bad guys for me to tase, okay?" She walked him inside. Wilhelmina calmly washed her hands and got back to cooking. Thor went to check with Stark and check on Jane. Darcy looked at the kid. "You're good." He grinned and snuggled into her chest with a smile. "Not that good, kid. My boobs aren't yours." He laughed and hugged her around the neck, then floated over a book.
"No magic," Wilhelmina called without having to look. "You can get up and get one then snuggle back in. You know it creeps your father out."
The baby handed her the book with a smile. "Sure, we can read." She opened it to read the kid book. When it was done, she pulled up a few lighter books on her phone to read to him. He enjoyed those too.
Clint's phone beeped and he looked at it. He was hiding in the bathroom at the moment. "Please let this be something I can use to take a break?" he mumbled as he thumbed open the message. He played the video. He stomped out. "Avengers, let's go," he ordered, tossing Natasha the phone. "Stark's no longer under attack."
"They wanted my son?" Natasha demanded coldly. "Hell no," she finished in Russian. She looked around. "Rogers!" His head popped up. "Now." He found Bucky, who was swearing at something. "The helicopter?"
"And our son's got a guardian angel," he said in Chinese.
"Hell no," she said in Russian. They left together. "We really must finish them off."
"Just save some for the rest of us who want to beat them," Clint said. He was wisely behind the angry parents. Steve got the phone from Natasha and watched the video, going cold and clinical. The crowds of adoring fandom people stared in awe as they stomped off to go stop this problem in the making. A few were also watching them go so they could watch the fantastic asses in spandex walk off.
Though, a few people could speak Russian and one there spoke Chinese. They told their friends what had been said. Another one checked the online news and told them it was HYDRA. The convention got a lot more lively after that. There was a lot of *dreams* about how the baby came to be.
Steve got out of the SUV first and headed up to the labs. "Stark, any ID on them?"
"Former SHIELD agents," he said, handing over a tablet. "I'm trying to trace where they came from." He looked up at the silent assassins in the doorway. "Faith, the slayer Faith, is his guardian angel."
"That may be very helpful," Natasha said dryly. "Any other good news?"
"The thing she used? It's not in the book." He let her see Faith mixing that and what it did.
"Nice," Bucky said. "I need that recipe." A piece of paper floated down. "Its in the second edition and only six volumes got printed of it. She'll try to get us one. Okay, thanks," he called. "Any idea which parent they wanted?" New words appeared. "Alex seems to think it was to draw me out." He looked at her.
"Both of us would be a trophy for them," she said bluntly. "It will not happen." She stared at Stark. "Where?"
"Who?" she asked.
"SHIELD agents," Steve said, handing over that tablet.
"Cosgrove Point, Alabama," Stark said, putting up a map. "Looks like they move every few days to a different safehouse."
The assassins nodded. "I love Alabama," Clint quipped. "All sorts of swamps for people to get eaten in." He walked off. "Let me get a few extra arrows."
"Get me my spare guns," Natasha ordered. "And bullets." Stark pointed so she got into the armory he had in the lab, pulling out a large ammunition box. Bucky got his. She got hers. Clint handed over her spare guns and got his extra arrows from in there. Steve got a new gun since he only had a knife on him right now. And his shield. And they left.
Thor waved at them. "Safe and prosperous journey, my friends. Have fun with your prey." Natasha shot a smirk at him for that. "I will guard the baby."
"Thank you," Steve said with a grin at him. "He has no sense."
"I had noted that, yes." He went back to check on the baby and Darcy. They were cuddled up on the couch reading a longer adult book that was more about fighting witches. Alex was happy with that. Darcy didn't seem to mind. "Your parents will end this threat and be back," he promised, patting him on the head. The baby blew a kiss and patted the kindle, making Darcy read some more. Thor walked off happier. Darcy would use that amusing taser on anyone who got near the baby. He was safe in the tower for now.
Jane looked over the book of demon part recipes. "It's like dead thing chemistry." Stark pulled up the video of their test of the explosive. "Damn." Stark nodded with a grin. "So the one that burned the copter...."
"Normal I guess." He shrugged. "We have no idea why it works."
"Great." She put the book down. "Magic is real?"
"Magic is apparently very real. Beyond illusion things. The kid's got some and draws chaos magic sorts." She shook her head. "He's a good boy and they don't hardly ever want to hurt him, except the one that dated him before." He looked at her. "The baby's cute and cuddly and a baby but he's also got a history."
"I saw the tv show thanks to Darcy way back a few years ago. We were slightly drunk but I remember a lot of it." Stark nodded. "Great."
"He got recycled into this realm."
"That's good. I guess. At least we're mostly sane."
Stark grinned. "I'm usually sane but slightly busy."
She nodded. "Science does it to me too." She looked at the two playing in the gym across the hall. "The weapons room?"
"He had a poker debt. They paid." She moaned. "We had fun with the weapons. He got cuddly and licked a few. He peed on some. He all but humped a few others." She shook her head but was smiling. "He's a little guy."
"He is." She looked at him. "What do I need to be aware of for me and Darcy?"
"He's usually pretty good. He likes to sneak in to watch people have sex so lock the door. He's always been fascinated by nipples. He's snuck in with all of us and tried to have a snack. He's usually a pretty good boy but if you see him peeing, he'll overflow the diaper. Call Wilhelmina or the diaper changing robot." He pointed at it. "It's a cute thing and his best friend but it's really handy."
"I guess it would be. Diapers are supposed to be nasty." She smiled when the baby ran from Darcy with her hair comb. He ran into the lab and handed it to Tony, who smiled and took it. "Did you steal from Darcy's hair?" she asked with a grin for the baby. He smirked and ran over to his buddy, who picked him up to change him and spray him clean.
Darcy came in and paused. "Wow, I know some college guys who'd adore that feature. Better than a bidet any day."
Stark smirked at her. "Don't tempt me. Pepper said I couldn't." Alex started to pee so the suction tube came up to stop it. "Aww, are you making him feel better. That's nice of you, Alex."
"Didi," he said happily, grinning at the women.
"We can see that, little guy," Jane said, looking at Darcy, who was giggling and taking film of it on her phone. "Don't do that."
"I wanted to share it with a few people." She grinned. "They'll adore the diaper changing robot." She walked off texting that video to a few friends. Who all agreed, some frat brothers would adore that.
Stark shook his head. "I thought about making a unit for gay brothels," he quipped. She walked off laughing but shaking her head. Stark got back to work once the baby was out of the lab. He didn't want him to get hurt and JARVIS tripped the safety switch whenever the baby was in there so he couldn't do anything with a power tool anyway.
Alex looked around at dinner then at his nanny. "Mommy?"
"Working with the others, dear." She handed him his kiddie spoon and bowl of casserole.
"Working with your mom, Uncle Steve, and Uncle Clint," she said patiently.
He cooed. "Pretty?"
"No, I doubt they're being pretty together," she said dryly. "And mind out of the gutter." Alex giggled, eating some food. He spit it back out and grimaced. She laughed. "Eat." He shook his head and shoved it onto the floor. "I should make you clean it up. I really should."
"No it's not." She tasted a bite from the pan. Then she sighed and fed him a bite. That's when she noticed the magic. "Okay, maybe. Who's doing that?" Alex beamed at her, waving some. "Fine." She tasted that bite and grimaced. "No wonder you almost got food poisoning. That sucks." She cleaned up the mess and started protections around the kitchen. Alex chuckled and let Darcy feed him some of her sandwich, which didn't leave her fingers until it was in his mouth. That saved him from having his food poisoned.
Wilhelmina got done and tasted the stuff in the pan. Now it was off. It got dumped and she made the kid a peanut butter sandwich instead. He enjoyed that and spread it all over his cheeks while eating it. "Someday I'm going to look back on this and laugh my ass off, kiddo." Alex beamed and waved at her then pointed outside while finishing his dinner. She looked. "JARVIS?" she called, sounding patient. "Why is there a guy clinging to the windows?"
The AI hummed. "I do not know. He's not been noted in the press for climbing buildings. Ah, I see a thermal tipped weapon."
Wilhelmina sighed and looked up then walked over and went to demon face, staring at him. He took a picture but she waved a hand and crushed the camera. Then she smiled. She waved 'bye' at him and cut the rope. He fell with a scream, letting his backup team catch him. "Aww, pretty sounds."
"Pew pew?" Alex asked with a grin.
She smiled at him. "Not a chance in hell. You're too young to use artillery, dear." Darcy was laughing. "He does love his weapons."
"They're pretty to look at but some of them scare me." She helped clean up the messy face. Alex got down and toddled off toward the nursery. They didn't mind. He was probably getting a toy. Neither woman saw him come out dragging a short sword under one arm, the hand guard wrapped around his arm, and the other hand holding his favorite stuffed animal his Uncle Clint had gotten him. In his teeth was the strap to Mjolnir. The war hammer was nicely letting the baby carry it easily. Darcy came out of the bathroom and found Alex outside, still with the same weapons. "Um, Wilhelmina? Thor?" she called quietly. She took pictures for the parents. That had to be baby book worthy. "Thor!" she called a bit more loudly. Jane came out looking pissed off. Darcy pointed.
Jane looked. "Wow, he must be worthy. Thor!" she snapped. He came out stretching and yawning. She pointed. "It likes him. Is that a sword?"
"It is," Thor agreed. The baby shifted and he could see his hammer in the baby's teeth. "He must be a great warrior some day," he said, going out there. Alex thumped the hammer on the ground, making Thor wince for his poor weapon. Then he picked it up after dropping the sword and thumped it again. Lightening ran down the side of the building. All three of them heard the screams.
Wilhelmina walked out there. "What did I tell you about weapons, young man!" she demanded. He squeaked and dropped the hammer over the side of the building. Thor went down to save whoever it had landed on. "Take your eagle and go inside." She pointed. "Now. Sword time is over with and I'll gladly deal with the bad guys." She looked over the side. "Huh. They have demon backups. Cool." She took the sword from him and pointed. He trudged back inside pouting. "Don't you dare congratulate him. He knows he's not big enough to do more than pet the weapons," she called when Darcy picked him up to cuddle.
"I'm going to keep him in here," she called.
"Great. Please do." She leaned on the sword, looking down at the idiots. "What are you doing?" she demanded. "Beyond pissing off Lord D'Hoffryn?" The demons stared up at her. She grinned and wiggled her fingers. "I'm going to pretend to be a slayer in a minute." The demon kept staring. She did something at them and they all fell screaming. She looked at the humans. "Next?" They were trapped between her and Thor. Then Stark got out there in the suit to deal with them. "Sure. The demons need beheaded, Lord Thor," she called. "The blue one's feet we can use to make a super explosive that'll rival a volcano. Save them for me please?" He stared up at her. She smiled. "Want a sword?" He nodded. She tossed it down. He let it land then picked it up to behead the demons, and did cut off that one's feet for her. "Cool." She smiled at the baby cuddling Darcy. "You're still grounded. No park this week for you." He pouted. "Tough shit. You knew better." She went back to the dishes.
Darcy looked at Jane. "That's a bit insane," Jane decided.
"With who his parents are, there's people who'd like to own him. And two cults that want to sacrifice him," Wilhelmina said. Then she shrugged. "Then again, there's ones from his last life that'd like to sacrifice him for stopping them." She grinned. "They're mad he stopped a few things."
"I guess doing the duty he did there is like that," Jane decided. Wilhelmina nodded with a grin. "It's good he's safer now usually."
"His mom's going to fry them if they leave any living," Darcy said. She looked at the snuggly baby, who was sucking his thumb and asleep. "Awww," she said quietly. Jane looked and smiled, taking a picture with her phone. "Hey, JARVIS, did you get a picture of him with the weapons for the baby book?"
"We have an amassed pile of pictures but no one's started the baby book yet," the AI said.
"I can do that tomorrow while Jane gets set back up." She smiled at Jane.
"Sure. Have fun. I'm no good at that stuff and you did mine too." She got some water and left to check on Thor. The officer was asking about the feet. "The nanny said that they're used in an explosives formula," Jane said.
"Stark is not allowed to experiment with those sort of things," the officer said firmly, staring at Thor. "There was a very tiny amount that ruined half a block, Lord Thor. Down to the subway."
"I'm not experimenting but Wilhelmina is saving them for the kid," Stark called. "So he can experiment when he's older."
The officer glared up at him. "Still not allowed, sir."
"We can do it at the facility in Malibu."
"Uh-huh. Please put them up safely away from all use, Lord Thor."
"I have no idea what she intends to do with them," he admitted. He carried them up there and handed them over. She dried them out magically then went to store them in the demon parts pile downstairs. Some day soon she really had to organize that.
Jane and Thor went back to their room. They did not want to know sometimes. Darcy was being cuddled and happy about it. So she was fine for now. Stark could save her.
Bucky looked at his phone when a picture got sent from Stark. He stared at it then sighed. "We've failed as parents," he said. Natasha looked over. He held up the phone so the others could see.
"That's Thor's hammer," Clint said. "He's carrying it in his teeth."
"It must've made itself really light," Steve said. "It felt like a five pound sledge for me."
Natasha looked at the picture, then at Bucky. "We must encourage him to find a career that does not include spandex."
"Modeling?" Clint guessed with a grin.
"Medicine," Bucky and Natasha said.
"He likes to help bandage," Steve said. "And fuss at injuries."
"Good!" Bucky said. "Before he drives me to drink. Not that it'll help."
"We will straighten him out when we get home." She looked at the map. "Tonight?" The guys nodded, getting back to setting their priorities for the battle.
Alex looked at Tony the next morning. He was crashed on the couch. He snuck over and looked under his shirt. Tony woke up to scowl at him. "Boobs?" he asked with a grin.
"No, I don't have boobs," he said. "Who taught you that word?"
"Sorry," Darcy called from her cooking. "I had to tell him to quit trying to fondle mine."
"Girls have boobs, Alex, not guys."
Alex patted him on the stomach. "Boobs." He walked off giggling. Suddenly his stuffed friends all had boobs too by what he commanded them to.
Wilhelmina walked out to stare at him. Then she looked at Tony. "He's being a tension break. Before it was bad jokes."
"I do some of that myself," he agreed. He looked at the grinning kid. "Thanks, Alex. I still don't have boobs. Not without a lot of surgery and therapy."
Alex grinned and nodded. "'Low."
"Oh, shit," Wilhelmina said, staring at him. "Is she on this plane? D'Hoffryn! Willow's here!"
He appeared, nodding. "She's already tried a few problematic things against those who were breaking in last night. Thankfully they make ugly women." He looked at the baby, who grinned and waved. Then he looked at his protection demon. "She left some of the spell residue on the building. Go clean it." She ran off to do that. He sighed and looked at Stark. "If you had walked into your workspace, you would've ended up partially female. The same as the ones she caught trying to break in last night did."
"Boobs," Alex said with a nod and a grin. "Boobs heavy bad. No fighties."
"They are hard to fight around, yes," Tony said, staring at him. Alex beamed at him. "We've got to find new ways to warp you, kiddo." He looked at the higher demon. "Any words of wisdom?"
"He ruined all I had." He disappeared.
"Stark, you can't go into your lab," Wilhelmina called over the intercom. "The spell's all over it and spell cleaning's going to take me forever, or I can call someone and have them do it within hours. Even a hazmat suit won't help."
"Get someone to help you, but make sure they can't steal any ideas or anything," he called back. "And if you find her, you can have a talk with her too."
"I can do that. Definitely."
"Will it affect Jane?" Darcy asked, coming out with coffee for her and Tony.
"Don't know," Wilhelmina said. "She might end up with more breasts. It's Willow, anything's possible." She sighed and hung up, calling a few friends of Xander. They really had to handle things. Even if one was a necromancer.
Stark shook his head, sipping his coffee while Alex giggled about boobs on his stuffed animals. Tony got him a female one with boobs so he'd have a legitimate one. Before he freaked out Steve by seeing if he had any.
Natasha got the newest video from JARVIS, shaking her head before erasing it. "Our son may not be gay. He likes breasts," she said quietly to Bucky.
He snorted. "Doubt it."
"We'll see," Steve said. They were on their last capture of this mission. It was going okay. Clint had disabled all the cars, boats, and the helicopter. The people were holed up inside. Clint blew up the house, exposing the metal lined safe room. That helped. They could get them out of there. Natasha used the simple things. She captured a nest of swamp rats and put them into the ventilation shaft. No response but they could hear them shooting them. A snake got the same thing. Clint pulled something out of a bag, he had captured it on the way in, and dropped it into the ventilation shaft. The tiny demon had been summoned by them and could now turn on its masters. They screamed and fled the thing. That worked. They arrested them and headed off to handle getting them to the proper authorities.
Then they'd go back to straighten out Alex.
Alex squealed when his father came off the elevator, running over to pounce him. He got under his t-shirt. "Boobs."
Bucky spanked him once. "No, not boobs." Alex pouted at him, looking miserable. "You don't need to talk about breasts, son. You'll have manners at least as good as mine, hopefully better and like Steve's." He stared at him. "Good boys don't talk about boobs."
Natasha took him. Alex sniffled and put his head down. "Mommy mine?" She nodded. "My boobs."
"No, they did not feed you so they did not belong to you. You do not have any boobs that are yours, son." She put him down. "Go play." He pouted and whined. She pointed. "We'll be right there after we go to the bathroom." She walked off. He followed her.
"Son, you don't need to help her go to the bathroom," Bucky complained.
"Unless you're going to be doing the potty training and taking him everywhere so he can use the guy's bathroom, yes he would," Darcy said, looking over from typing on her laptop. "She can't follow him into the little boy's room to help him pee. He'll be going with her into the women's bathroom." Bucky stared. She shrugged but smiled. "I have friends who have kids about his age. Until they're safe to go on their own, they go with a parent."
He walked off shaking his head. "We'll see what we can do to straighten that out." He came back. "Do they make the boys sit down?"
"Sometimes. One's teaching her son to pee by putting a few cheerios as targets in his potty chair for him to aim at. So far he's missed every single time because he didn't realize he has to pick up his penis to aim. She taught him not to touch his." He walked off shaking his head. "You can teach him to stand up but you've got to teach him how to aim himself first."
"I'll work on that later," he complained.
Steve came off the elevator with Stark. "Hi," Steve said. "Steve Rogers."
She stood up to shake his hand. "Darcy Lewis, Jane Foster's assistant." She smiled. "She and Thor are out looking at stuff since the lab's still not fully spell cleaned."
"Spell..." Steve looked at Stark.
"That's why I'm in the auxiliary lab. Apparently some nice witch was helping against the demons and humans trying to get the kid so she gave them all enlarged breasts to have to fight against."
"Which was when Alex got onto the boobs kick," Darcy said with a grin. "He nicely warned Stark before he got some."
"Have we found that witch?" Steve asked. "To see which side she's on?"
"It's Willow," Darcy said. Steve winced. "I watched the show and made Jane binge it one weekend when we were having frustration drinking. Wilhelmina's boss is looking for her."
"The spell cleaning will take another four days," Stark said. "If Wilhelmina was doing it on her own it'd be two weeks. Even if the necromancer down there is creepy."
"She let him sort through Xander's pile of demon parts to properly store them," Darcy quipped with a grin. "Including notes on how to use them properly."
"I think his mom wanted him to go into medicine."
"He probably already has some skills in that area," Darcy said. "It'd come in handy in the field."
"It does," Steve agreed. Natasha came out carrying the fussy kid. He took him from her. "What's wrong? You usually like Mom holding you."
"He was mad I wouldn't let him help me while I changed my protection method," she said. Darcy snickered, grinning at her. "I know, he's a boy and they're confused about such things." Darcy pointed. Alex had a tampon and he was showing it to his uncle and asking if he needed one. Natasha took it from him and tossed it out. "Boys don't need those, Alex."
He looked at her, then nodded. "'Low."
"If she makes you need one, I'll torture her for you," she said. The baby squealed and hugged her. "Thank you." She took him back, heading for the kitchen. "Want lunch?" He cooed and petted her hair. "Thank you. You treat me very nicely even if you do think I'm a kitten."
He grinned at her, growling. "Puppy."
"Ah, I'm a puppy. That's a good thing to be. Very protective and dangerous." She put him into his high chair and made them both sandwiches. He nibbled on his and hummed while he ate. The guys had to talk about Willow without him hearing. It might make him upset with how they'd have to end her plots.
Bucky woke up to something poking his hip. He sat up, looking at his son. "What are you doing?" he demanded quietly. The baby grinned and patted him then tried to poke him with the unwrapped tampon again. "I don't think I need that and neither do you." He took it and tossed it out, then got up to grab the baby and put him back into his bed. "Go to sleep, Alex. You've got another long day of driving me nuts tomorrow." He went back to bed. He was starting to fall asleep when he heard Bruce complain about stepping on wet tampons in the hallway. He got up to look then at him. "Alex had one he was trying to insert for me."
"Looks like he dropped this one in the toilet," he said, looking at the one he had stepped on.
"They were on the back of my toilet," Natasha complained. "Which means I need to get more." She glared at Bucky.
"It's not my fault."
"He's your son."
"Why is he suddenly my son? You're the one that had him in the bathroom with you." She glared. "I don't care if you do try to kill me. You did that one to yourself."
"Enough," Steve said, coming out of his room. He picked up the offending thing and tossed it out. Then he walked off. "Alex, back in bed." Alex ran from him. "Alex," he warned quietly. "Here now please." He pointed. The baby pouted. "Now." Alex ran again. He caught him and put him back into his bed, settling in to talk to him about those things. They didn't need this level of stress relief.
Thor came in with Wilhelmina. She stared at him. "What are you thinking? C'mon, do the baby ESP stuff or babble so Thor can understand it." The baby pouted and said a lot of stuff.
Thor cleared his throat. "From his experience, right after you get turned into a female by that witch, you tend to end up bleeding uncomfortably. He did both times she did it to him so he's trying to make the transition easier." Alex nodded, grinning at him. "Also he thinks that she'll get us."
"I'd kill her if I woke up a girl," Steve said, looking at the baby. "I really would."
"Yes I would. Even if she's important and stuff, I would. So would your dad. We don't play with witches that way." Alex pouted. "Sorry, but she'd be missing very shortly." He patted him on the leg. "Now, rest. Let us go back to sleep. He got up and tucked him in then left him in Wilhelmina's hands. He looked at the others that had listened.
"It'd be a race to see who killed her," Clint said. "I'd try, Stark'd try, Barnes would try."
"I would smite her," Thor agreed. "I do not want to see what sort of woman I'd be." He walked off, going back to bed. The baby had such charming memories. It was nearly as bad as things Loki had done as pranks when they were youths. He'd have to talk to him about being on the side of the light, even though the baby had been trying to ease the problems for them.
Steve looked at Clint. "I can throw my shield faster than your arrows."
"Not likely and I have other weapons." He grinned. "It's Stark we'd have to worry about because he'd be playing with his new tits." He walked off.
"I would not," Stark complained. "I'd be staring in horror at them. I never wanted breasts, thank you." He went to get a drink and go back to bed. Maybe the scotch would keep that nightmare from him.
Steve and Bucky shared a look then went to their rooms. That was a horrifying prospect, them as women. It would definitely hurt their physical fighting abilities. Which made it an evil but easy way to stop a physical fight. Can't really throw a good punch when you look like you belong in Hustler.
Though he did check to make sure he didn't already need to figure out how to work around it.
It took a few days for the magic to hit the proverbial fan at the Tower. Alex was out in the park with the nanny and Bucky, who was protecting him from the idiots who tried to capture him the day before. Stark woke up from a nap on top of one of his creations to find a redheaded woman staring at him. "Who're you?" he demanded.
"You're not really related to him. You know that, right?" she demanded.
"He's Alex now, and I know I'm a phantom uncle." He stared at her. "You must be the witch that did the spell that needed six people to end."
"It kept them off Xander and that's all that matters. Including you and all this." She flicked a hand and then disappeared once her spell started.
"JARVIS," Tony said. "Oh, ow, shit!"
"Thor is coming, sir." Thor stomped in and pulled Tony out of there. "We do not know what she cast on him, Lord Thor."
"I can tell easily enough," he said. He tested Stark and nodded. "We need to sedate him and get the nanny back here. Magic is not my forte." Thor was heaving Tony up to take him to the infirmary, where Bruce was. "He was magicked by someone. He needs sedated. He's changing and it will be painful."
A young brunette woman appeared, popping the bubble of her gum. She nodded. "Willow's going to be a dead bitch for this." Thor stared at her. She smiled. "I'm the sprout's guardian angel."
"Can you undo it?" Bruce asked.
She tested it then shook her head. "No, she's in full-blown Goddess mode again. I can get her coven to start work on it. Might not help that much." She looked around. "Where's the kid?"
"Park," Bruce said.
"Good. Willow did weird things to his mind so he *has* to defend her. We're not sure if it's conditioning where they grew up together or if she's spelled him somehow with a loyalty spell. I know he's going to enjoy his new large dog." She pointed at Stark. Then she sighed and looked up. "Let me talk to the kid and Wilhelmina. Maybe we can undo it without finding a huge coven. Or making a hellmouth for them to poke into." She disappeared, landing up the park and strolling over. Bucky stiffened, staring at her. "Chill, Daddy. I'm his GA." She looked at Wilhelmina, switching languages. "He's getting a new dog friend thanks to the brat."
Wilhelmina stared at her. "Really?" Faith nodded. "Who?"
"Fuck. That thing on his chest has to work." Faith shrugged. "I'll...."
"Let me see if I can fix it."
"Let *me* see if some of his ex's can fix it, Faith. I hate using the SOS network though." She found her phone and dialed a number. "Willow Rosenburg has been on this realm yet again and has changed someone important. It's critical to their safety." She hung up. Two mages appeared, staring at her. She pointed at Faith. Who told them what had happened in Latin while Bucky distracted the kid. They went to the Tower to fix this problem before it set too long. More mages appeared there, most of Xander's former guard unit. Wilhelmina brought him back to help them. Most of them cuddled him and one scowled but Xander cooed and kissed him then tried to check him for boobs. He swatted the kid's hands but worked to end the spell.
One of them finally looked up at those watching them. "She put her back into it. Probably both hellmouths as well."
Wilhelmina looked up. "Got any ideas?" she called.
"Yes," a female voice called. She appeared, wearing a cloak. She looked up at Faith and smiled then at Wilhelmina. She hugged Alex, making him coo but fall asleep. "He needs to be out of here. She made him a natural sponge for her powers," she said quietly. "He'll keep sucking it up until he explodes. Like the last two times." Faith nodded, handing the baby off to Natasha and Clint. She moved into the circle, finding things. "She used all the hellmouths." The mages groaned. "Thankfully there's ways around that." She pulled things out of her cloak pockets, holding them up. The mages took the energy holding stones from her. "And I'm here so I can help."
"We'd need something powerful, Dawn," one said.
She stared at him. Then she smiled. "You'd be shocked but I don't want to do magic. Why do I want to turn into Willow?" She held out her hands. "I'm an anchoring sort."
They nodded, shifting positions and included her. They drained the battery stones. Tony slowly shifted back, groaning the whole time. He mostly made it. Two things still had hair. Dawn moved forward and put her hands on the furry stomach and ankle, being handed one of the stones. They sucked the spell into it instead of trying to finish ending it. That let them cut the base levels of the spell and Tony was fully human. Bruce immediately checked his heart.
One of them stared at Dawn. "You need lessons."
"I'll never be Willow, Gregory, and it's dangerous if I try." She smiled slightly. "Think of me more like a fantastically complicated backup system. That sometimes has headaches from all this thanks to the same source."
"Is she gone?" Faith asked.
"She'd better be when I get there," Dawn said, staring at her. "It's good you got a cool job. Did you see our mom?"
"Twice. She cooed Xander was adorable when I got my assignment stuff. She also said your sister needs to wear pants." Dawn giggled and left, taking the battery stones with her. Tony regrew a tiny bit of belly fur but the mages could end that redoing. "A tiny bit of bleeding back happens with Willow's spells," Faith told the staring people. "It's how she substitutes and doesn't have a clue what she's doing." She looked at the mages.
"We offered to teach her," one said. "We would've enforced rules and things on her. She refused because of an upcoming battle she had to prepare for and never showed up afterward."
Faith nodded. "I remember." She shrugged. "Okay, the sprout should be fine." They went to check on Alex. She looked at Bruce. "Can I pass on any messages for you?"
"If she comes back to this realm ever again, she will die in the most horrible manner I or the people upstairs can imagine," Bruce said. "Considering I turn into a giant green rage monster, she won't enjoy it."
Faith giggled. "You're good, Dr. Banner, but there's demon slimes that will torture her for *months* before she dies as it slowly eats her organs." She grinned. "I've wanted to introduce her to them more than once, even after I went straight." She waved. "Let me hike my pretty ass off to tell the others."
"Thank you," Wilhelmina said. They shook hands. "We hope there's not a third call."
"Only HYDRA and those sorts who want what he represents instead of who he was. Oh, a poker debt's dying soon. He's terminal." She disappeared. The mages left after warding Alex and suppressing his magic until he was a teenager when Natasha asked politely. The one healer did his thing as well. It was good. They could handle this.
Wilhelmina looked at Bruce, who shook his head. "Willow's never had sense. She always thought she was the genius and female so correct." She walked off to talk to the baby. He was sad but his mother was soothing it. She looked at him. "Willow will have to answer for her deeds, just like every other mortal, Alex," she said quietly. "The same as you did before they yanked you here." He nodded and waved a hand. "Let me get you some juice." She got Natasha some in a sippy cup then went to do the kid's laundry and clean his room. Order helped when faced with a rogue chaos witch.
Bucky looked at Steve as he came off the elevator. "I wonder where they rank on the Loki scale of power."
"You'd have to ask Thor."
Thor came out tying back his hair. "They're all very strong and could be considered high mages in their fields. Stronger than Loki's illusions. They're the sort that have the power to change reality. Each." Bucky shuddered. "Them liking Alex is because he reads as a source of chaos energy. He is imbued with it and he naturally causes it by being in the right place to handle things that no one expects to be ended, especially not by a pure human. Or mostly pure human."
"Who was the girl?" Steve asked.
"Dawn," Natasha said quietly.
"I read about her."
"Did it include her being a being of immense powers?" Thor asked. They nodded. "Then it's wise she made a choice so she could not be used against her will. Her strength would be honored on Asgard by having a constant guardian to help her protect herself."
"There was an artifact involved," Steve said.
"I noticed." He smiled. "It was fairly evident while she was working. She glows with it." He smirked. "My brother would have been horrified on many levels about that." He looked at the baby. "He'll be fine and eventually his memories should be like the dreams of a child."
"We hope so," Natasha said. "That way he grows up less injured and pained."
"It would be good for him," Thor said. "But he'll still be a part-time warrior. The hammer would not go to one who was not destined to be a great one."
She looked back at him. "We'd like him to find a career that is safer and more sane."
Thor nodded. "There's many things but he'll still probably step into things. A true warrior never fully retires. Even if they do other things all day." She nodded at that wisdom. "He'll be fine as he grows into this new self." He patted the baby on the head. "At least we will no longer have to worry about breast enlargement spells." He went to the kitchen. Darcy handed him a plate. "Thank you, Lady Darcy."
"Welcome, Thor. Go relax. Jane's sciencing hard today." He nodded, going to do that. She came out and got a few things from the cabinet in the living room. "JARVIS said you hadn't started to work on a baby book yet, Natasha, so I put the pictures into one and you can put in scrapbooking stuff later if you want." She let her see them. "I think I got them in the right order. JARVIS printed them for me."
Natasha slowly flipped through it, smiling at the pictures. Some were silly, like him peeing on people. Or weapons. Some were sweet, like him sleeping after two days of refusing to nap. Bucky laughed at one. She patted Darcy on the arm. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. Baby books are important. That way you can show them when he finally gets a real lover some year far in the future. That way they want to have pretty babies."
"I had not thought about grandchildren," she said, looking at her son. Then at Bucky.
"I'm perfectly fine with not having any grandkids. He's enough."
Natasha laughed. "Perhaps after we've passed on."
I can accept that but I'd still rather he not have any."
"Unless something happens and they decide to bring you guys back the same way," Darcy quipped. They all glared at her. She shrugged and smiled. "Who said they won't? They did it to him."
"Can we stop someone from bringing you back?" Natasha asked.
"I have no idea," Bucky said. "We can ask Wilhelmina." She nodded, sending her a text. She sent back a list of a few satanic rituals that might help but it's because it'd eat your soul. She let him see the list and he sighed. "Pity." He got comfortable again. Steve was frowning but shaking his head. The baby blinked at him and cuddled in again. "At least he's still mostly innocent."
Natasha looked at him. "We'll do what we can to make sure." She looked at the baby. Who grinned up at her and went back to cuddling. "You're still usually a good boy." She sniffed. "Even if you are crapping hard." She sighed and got up but Steve took him to change. "Thank you." She sat back down. Bucky tried to hide his grin. It was nice their friends loved the baby too.
Alex came running out naked and squealing, hiding behind his father's chair. Then he ran around and shoved him until he shifted so he could hide behind him. "You had better have let him clean you first," Bucky ordered. "I don't have a clean t-shirt, kid."
"Please don't let him put crap on the couch again," Stark's voice called from the intercom. "It's a bitch to have cleaned."
Bucky looked at the kid. "You heard your uncle. Let Uncle Steve clean you." The baby pouted and ducked behind him again when Steve came out sighing and changing his shirt. "He pee on you?"
"Yes." He grabbed the kid, holding him up. "That wasn't nice, Alex." Alex grinned and peed all over his father, making Bucky yelp and try to get out of the way.
"You're. Buying. A. New. Couch," Tony said. "Today."
"I will," Bucky complained, heading for his room to take a shower and try to find something cleanish to wear.
"Bum from my closet, Bucky," Steve called, carrying Alex back to his room to change him. "That really wasn't nice. It's mean to do that to your father, Alex." Behind him he could hear Natasha laughing with Darcy.
Sometimes the baby was the most amusing thing in their lives. Others...the most frustrating.
Bucky was sulking that night. Steve stared at him until he told him why. "Do you think he does that on purpose?"
"Probably to break the tension since he can't tell jokes." He grinned. "If you were two, you'd be able to get away with it too."
"Yeah, I might've." He looked at his metal arm then at Steve. "He's not scared of me."
"He's not scared of much," Steve said. "Which is a good thing. Could end up being a bit worrying with his past but it's probably a good thing."
Bucky nodded. "That'll help definitely. We'd still like him to do something like becoming a doctor instead of following us."
"Who got him the baby leather outfit?"
"What baby leather outfit?" He looked around. "Barton?" He lifted his head from his book, staring at him. "Someone gave the baby a leather outfit?"
"Yup. Pants and vest. Could be baby biker gear though." He put his head back down. "It showed up in his closet one morning. Wilhelmina was amused."
"Huh." The two friends shared a look and Steve took him to show him. The closet didn't hold anything that Alex was using, except the spare diapers and 'gifts' that were hanging up. He had a baby leather harness set for miniature guns. He had the mentioned black leather outfit. He had a few other things, including a tiny suit. "Did Pepper get him the suit?"
"No. I asked. She said it's adorable and we need him in it for a picture." They shared another look before Bucky removed all the inappropriate gifts and tucked them into a box that would go into the main storage area. His kid did not need to get a taste for leather. Ever. Alex was giggling from his bed but oh well.
Alex ran into the living room from the elevator, pouncing Clint with a huge grin. "Pew pew!" He bounced and pointed. "Pew pew!"
"Did someone give you new weapons?" he asked with a smile, finishing his coffee. That was the only thing that made Alex smile that way. "That's great. Let's get stuff and go look." Alex bounded around until he got what he needed and sent Natasha a text message. They went down there together, him following Alex to the weapons room. And the gym next to it. He blinked. "Wow. Was this a major debt or just a big one?"
Wilhelmina came off the elevator, looking at the card on something. "Fourth largest. He didn't have a lot of bigger stuff so he estimated." She handed over the card, looking at Alex. "What else did he send you?" Alex cooed and patted the two footlockers. "It figures." She got into them. "Aww, your other book." She handed it to Clint. "The second edition you guys wanted." She looked at the rest then at him. "We'll put this in your closet so you can wear it when you're old enough. I saw your leather pants." The baby beamed and nodded. "Barnes, help me carry these," she said when she stood up. He groaned. "They were his."
"Does he need them?" he demanded quietly, staring at her. "It might keep things worse."
"It won't matter. The memories won't fully leave. They'll probably be more like a childhood dream world. Beyond that, he'll kill you if you throw out his leather pants Anya bought him. It was the only present she bought him." He huffed but carried it up there. "If you find a double-headed battle axe, it's his. I'll put it up specially on his walls."
"Sure," Clint agreed. He looked at the piles of smaller weapons. "At least he didn't pee on them this time." Natasha patted him on the arm. They dug into the weapons to check them over. "Fuck," Clint shouted, rolling backwards and hopping blindly up onto a stack of weapons boxes. "What the fuck are you?"
Natasha came over to look. "It's a crab."
"With fangs!" he said with a point. It tried to bite him. "See? Crabs don't bite!"
She shot it, and it died. "There, now it's probably a good dinner."
"I'm not eating that," he said, staring at her.
She smiled. "Fine." The crab came back to life and lunged at Natasha, making her move. A tiny being showed up and huffed, taking it with him. "We're sorry, we thought it was a threat, not a pet."
Clint stared at her then got down to look for more of them. The kitten carefully got moved. The being showed up to gather it too. "The kid can have a normal pet," he said quietly. "But nothing that would attack the rest of us." He stared at it, handing over the kitten. "The hellhound bitch that shows up is as weird as we can take."
"I will tell the Master that," it said. "Though he said she's right, it's an excellent meal."
"I don't eat anything I can't name."
"Hmm. Interesting philosophy of life." He took something else. "He's mad so he's reclaiming this."
"Is this not from the one that his guardian angel said was ill?" Natasha asked.
"No, the Master just got tired of being nagged by his wife for owing this debt. He was about to give her to him as well but he'd have no use for a non-breeding female of her age."
"He's not allowed to have children until his parents have passed on," Natasha said. "We'd like him to do something less like our jobs as well." The demon stared at her. "Something that will make him happy."
The being smiled. "That would be enjoyable for all who watch over him, Huntress." He bowed and left. Some books appeared and a tiny harp. Alex came over from playing with the handguns Uncle Tony was sorting through to look at it since it made noise. He touched it and it sang to him, making him giggle and clap. He picked it up to cuddle, making it play a lot more music.
"We can put that in your room so you enjoy music, kiddo," Clint said.
Alex smiled and waved at him then picked up a dagger to chew on. Natasha scowled. "Mine, mama," he said with a grin, holding it up. "Mine."
"It is very much like mine but do not chew on knives, son. It can harm you. Suck on the hilt if you must but not the blade." He turned it around to suck on that end. "Thank you. Don't harm your harp with it either." He quit waving it around. She settled in to help go over the handguns. Before her son got attached to something that was less than useful or decent. He had some lower class taste with guns already. He needed better weapons when he was old enough to use them.
Bucky came up after finishing the inventory, shaking his head. "They had good tastes and we can now make a good stand here at the tower." He looked at the kid in question, who was cooing in his sleep at his stuffed eagle friend. He looked at Natasha again. "Stark's set up an armory for him. Still no sign of the axe Wilhelmina mentioned."
"That's fine. Maybe he'll have many others to love over his life." She smiled and petted over the toddler's hair, making him curl up and babble in his sleep. She looked at him. "You look weird or worried?"
"How many more of those are there?"
"That was his fourth biggest debt from what Wilhelmina said. You might ask if she has a list."
"There's ten more debts, two large ones left," she called from the kitchen. "The rest were smaller and the smallest might get him maybe two kittens."
"Bruce is allergic," Tony's voice said from a speaker. "That one can pay the kid in toys or legos or something."
"Sure," she agreed. She came out with her sandwich, smiling at the parents. "The two other big ones are going to be huge. I'm not sure how they'll try to even it out."
Bucky nodded. "Stark's got an armory set up for them."
"He'll adore that. It'll mean he can run in and pet a sword whenever he wants."
"Maybe," he said, looking at the kid. Who wasn't there. He looked around. Natasha pointed. He stepped back to watch the kid wander up the hallway. "Where are you going?" The baby didn't stop waddling up the hallway. "Should we worry?"
"No idea," Wilhelmina said. "Alex, I've got a sandwich. Want to come steal some?" she called. He came out with a grumpy, pouty face and Thor's hammer, going outside to drop it onto someone. The parents followed. Alex came back in and curled up under the couch throw again with his eagle friend. "Okay, love. You rest. It's been a big day." She ate some of her lunch. The parents could handle that.
Natasha looked over the edge. "Whoever it was, was following Darcy. Thor?" she called.
"I heard," he called back, heading for the elevator while doing up his jeans. "He stole it from my bedside." He went down there, staring at the slightly smashed former human then at his lady love's assistant. "Who was it?"
"I have no idea. I didn't realize it was more than someone walking behind me, like half of everyone else in the city is." She frowned at him. "If you didn't...."
Stark came out and held up a tablet with the guy's picture and file. "Wanted for selling pretty girls." Darcy opened her mouth then shook her head and sighed, heading inside with the stuff she had picked up. Stark showed it to the officer that showed up to figure this out. The officer stared at him. "The baby somehow knew," he said quietly. "He stole the hammer and tossed it off the building."
"Ah. How old is this kid?" Stark held up two fingers. The officer groaned and rubbed his face. "I've had a kid that old. They're not usually this weird."
"No clue," Stark admitted. Thor removed his hammer. Then Tony got to disarm the thing that started to whine. "That's a good reason though."
The officer nodded, calling that in. "Thanks, Mr. Stark."
"Welcome. We'll try to keep the hammer away from the baby."
"Please. Same mini Avenger we've seen in the park?" Stark nodded. "He's adorable."
"He needs a new hobby because he already likes weapons," Stark said dryly. "He's been cooing at his mom's leg holster all morning." He walked inside with Thor, who was still shirtless and amused. "So," he said.
"I shall find a place where he cannot grab it to store her," Thor said.
"Thanks, big guy." He patted him on the arm, getting off on the living floor to show Natasha who her son had smote. "We explained that he's a toddler."
"Yes, he is," she said, handing the tablet back. Bucky leaned over to snatch it then groaned and handed it back.
"The guy had a bomb too," Stark said. Both parents huffed in irritation. "Thor's going to put his special hammer up where the kid can't reach it."
"Thank you," Natasha said. "Though I'm worried next time he'll just use a sword."
"Possibly," Stark admitted. "I'll make sure JARVIS knows not to let him take weapons from his armory without warning." He walked off to make sure of that. The kid was adorable but really too weird for even Stark to get used to.
Natasha looked at her son. "Next time, tell us and we'll handle it. You do not need to handle such matters until you're fully grown, son."
Steve came off the elevator, smiling at them. "What's up, guys? New cute kid stuff?"
"He just stole Thor's hammer to drop on someone who had a bomb outside," Natasha said.
Steve stared at her then at the kid. "Sure, we can figure out how to avoid that problem."
"I know full agents who don't have the handling skills he has," Bucky said. Natasha nodded she did too.
Clint came off the elevator with his bow. "It was a good hammer toss, guys."
"It was," Natasha agreed. "It hit the right person." She patted over the sleeping baby's head, making him grab her hand to suck on. "Yes, you can cut another tooth on me," she promised, staring at him. He ended up hugging it, letting her hand rest against his stomach while he napped. He was charming in his own way and that little hint of suppressed maternal instinct wanted to coo at him. Of course, she couldn't so that was fine and he understood that. James had the same mushy look. Clint took a picture for the baby book so that was easier than dredging up lost and suppressed emotions.
Darcy came off the elevator without her bags, smiling at them. "Thanks for the save from the probable pervert, guys." She punched Clint on the arm, making him smirk at her. She grinned back. "I saw a little girl's toy bow with your picture on it. It was lilac and it was a good picture." He sighed, shaking his head. She patted him on the arm. "The girls were nearly inhaling to get it from the shelves. They had it behind locks. Natasha's costume for Halloween was just as wanted and just as behind locks. Including a red wig and pink guns. Noted on the package as 'cannot be mistaken for real ones by accident'," she told her.
"That makes sense but they should make them in a color other than pink."
"The wig's a bit strawberry blonde for your shade anyway," she said.
"That's sweet I suppose. Any other good news?"
"Stark's costume is sold out. All but the gloves that were optional. I guess you can't hold candy bags in them very easily." They all nodded. "Steve's is all but sold out, it had three left, all in tiny kid sizes instead of bigger kids sizes. There was a grabbing match between a pair of brothers over who got the costume. They were each pulling on the shield until the mother reminded them that neither of them were acting like the good Captain and he'd be ashamed of their selfish behavior. They promptly piped down and apologized to her and each other, and the lady they bumped into who didn't have kids so she looked disgusted."
Bucky smiled but shook his head. "It's good they're learning manners. At least I don't have a costume."
"Yup, sure do," Darcy quipped with a grin. He glared at her. "Fake leather vest with attached plastic supposed-to-be-metal arm." She pulled it up to show him. He huffed. "No wig included at least."
"Yay. Can we stop those?"
"Doesn't Banner have one?" Clint asked.
"Green face paint and purple pants?" Darcy guessed. "Not really." He huffed. She grinned at him. "Your official costume is a pull-over that's made to look like your uniform and a plastic bow without arrows."
"That figures. No one wants a kid to get hurt."
"And of course there's that group on tv that's complaining about them because they have weapons."
Everyone just nodded at that. "But other news is better?" Bucky asked.
"Slightly. They finally ended the illegal panties that featured you guys."
"Adult?" Bucky asked. She pointed at the baby. "Seriously?"
"Yup." She grinned. "Little underroos."
Bucky looked at Natasha. "It is not my doing and I about went to shoot them for it," she said. "Bruce put up the complaint about how boys could be warped by little Hulks on their tiny penises. Then how it was illegal since they hadn't licensed their images."
Bucky slumped, shaking his head. "Why?"
"At least I was never on them," Clint quipped.
"Stripper outfits," Darcy shot back.
"Yeah, I saw. She was real happy to show me how the outfit worked and the little arrows that took the cups off and all that. She was pretty too, even a nice boob job." He walked off.
"I'm thankful I'm not being looked at in that way," Natasha said. Darcy pointed at Bucky then walked off when he growled. She looked at him. "The arm you think?"
"Probably that and the leather," Wilhelmina quipped, coming out from doing kid laundry. "The one I know doing it, who is a lower level succuba using it to eat cheating spouses, does the full leather outfit. The arm's a painted glove." She looked at the baby. "Here, let's take you to change you," she said quietly, rubbing a hand down his back so he'd let go of his mother so she could pick him up. He snorfled against her shoulder. "Just time for a change, Alex," she cooed in his ear. "Then you can have Mommy back." He curled up on her shoulder and crapped for her too. "Thank you, very helpful, Precious." She carried him off to change.
Natasha checked her wrist, only some drool she easily wiped off. "At least we learned something new."
"Yeah, I'm being used as stripper tip bait," Bucky said. She smiled. Alex came wandering out pouting and crawled up next to his mom again, taking her arm back to cuddle. "He feeling okay?"
"Not sure," she admitted, checking for a fever. He captured that hand to suck on. "That's fine, Alex. Are you sick?" He pouted so she pulled him up to cuddle. That made him a happier boy, even if he did still capture one of her hands. "Yes, you may cuddle," she promised. "I'm not doing anything right now." The baby fell asleep that way, still pouting. "He does have his moments of adorableness."
Bucky nodded. "He does. We made a cute, smart little guy." He grinned at her. "At least he's not asking for a sibling."
"That is a good thing, yes." Alex flinched awake but she cuddled him, humming a bit. He fell back asleep until the alarm went off. "JARVIS?" she asked, standing up to take him to the safe room.
"I'm afraid a few supposed agents have tried to breach the front entry, Agent Romanoff."
"Grand," Bucky said, finding his hidden guns. They had mined each room of the tower they tended to be in for more than a few seconds. The ones in the infirmary amused everyone when they found them but it was good. The idiots didn't make it up the elevator but they were nicely captured and hauled off before the baby became aware of them. Bucky looked down at him when he went to set him free. Alex had slept through everything. He didn't even pee on him this time. He came out to see Fury coming off the elevator, settling down with the kid between him and Natasha. Alex nicely curled up against his side this time instead of clinging to Mom.
Fury stared at him then at her. "They wanted the kid to get control of you."
"HYDRA wanted the kid to get control of both of us," Bucky said dryly. "What else is new?"
"Any idea how long this plot will last?" Natasha asked.
"I don't think it will ever fully end. Too much to gain from getting either of you into their custody."
"And then the kid dropped Thor's shiny hammer onto a few of them," Bucky shot back.
"The kid did what?" Fury demanded. He looked at Stark, who was coming off the elevator. "Thor's hammer let the kid pick it up?"
"JARVIS, show that beautiful kid footage," Stark quipped, flopping into a chair. Fury watched, mouth slightly open, then burst out laughing. "I don't think it'll keep happening."
"We all hope not," Natasha agreed. "We do have security here around him."
"Plus his weapons," Bucky added. Steve came off the elevator. "Which one did they want this time?"
"Stark. They were going to ransom him for some weapons." He sat down. "They thought Alex was his. One of them said the kid had to belong to the 'manslut'."
"Huh, their intel is way out of date. I haven't been that bad since my twenties, and a few people thought I charged heiresses back then to break them in." Stark sipped the coffee in his cup.
Bucky grimaced. "Stark, is that fuzzy?"
Darcy came out of the living area hallway and took the cup from him, going to dump it and get him coffee in a clean one. She handed it over. "Did you need the antibiotics for something?" She looked at the baby, who was grunting and shifting against his father. "Hey, little guy." He blinked at her and grinned. "Hi. Come help me make the silly Auntie some lunch? Auntie Jane hasn't eaten since the sun came up and pretty soon she's going to get grumpy with the science and it'll make her mean. We need to prevent her from being mean to the science." She picked him up. "C'mon, we'll make her food. We might even make Thor poptarts. He really likes them," she said as she walked him off.
"She's good," Fury said, staring at her back then at Natasha.
"That's Darcy, Jane Foster's assistant who apparently never gets paid," Stark said. "We've got to correct that." He sipped the coffee and nodded. "You make good coffee, Lewis."
"Thank you, Stark." The baby toddled out with something. "You need to eat too. Before we have to drop a feeding tube. It's been a whole day and science is going to get mad at you."
"Fine," he said, taking the sandwich from the kid, who grinned at him and ran back to help this new auntie. He took a bite and nodded. "She's really good." He finished the sandwich and coffee because he was hungry. And yeah, science was coming easier again now that he had recharged. He went back to the lab to tinker with something to take out HYDRA idiots who wanted the baby. Before he suggested a HYDRA vs Willow grudge match over the kid's future.
Natasha blinked, looking at Bucky, who shrugged. Then at Steve. "She's real good," Steve said with a smile. "We need to let her nag Stark all the time."
"The son does like to fuss," Natasha said. "Perhaps that will make him becoming a doctor of some sort easier."
Fury stared at her. "Why is he going to become a doctor?"
"Because I do not want him in my armor," she said bluntly, staring at him.
He nodded slowly. "I think most parents would feel the same way." He shrugged. "If so, SHIELD does have a college fund you can set up for him." She smirked. "Or just sell some of those weapons we heard he got."
"He has his own armory," Bucky quipped. "It's very diverse."
"Swords, artillery, demon parts," Steve agreed. "Did we finally sort those out?"
"The necromancer that helped end the breast addition spell on Stark's lab did," Natasha said.
"Breast addition... what?" Fury demanded.
"One of his former cohorts put up a spell to suddenly give anyone who was going to bother the son breasts," Bucky said, looking amused. "Because it'd throw off your fighting."
Fury just nodded then stomped off shaking his head. The kid was weird. Probably too weird for SHIELD. He walked past Coulson handling the problem. "Spells?"
"From Alex's former life, sir." He looked at him. "She was correct in the assumption that a sudden pair of breasts added to one's chest would throw off one's aim, one's fighting style, and probably freak them out enough to make them quit fighting but someone dealt with her over that." Fury stared at him. He shrugged. "Now he's in this life instead."
"Good!" He walked off rubbing his forehead. His poor agent, having a kid like that. Maybe some day she'd want a normal one to counteract the insanity. He'd probably like that kid as an agent instead of this one that was much too weird, even on the Avengers scale.
Coulson smiled slightly at Clint, who grinned back. "I love the little peeing monster. He's a great kid and he likes to help me read stuff. He even lets Bruce read him science stuff."
"He does seem to soak up whatever you want to read to him," Coulson agreed. They went upstairs once the clean up was done, going to settle in and read to the baby. It'd only help him be smarter and more diverse than his father was, and probably as smart as his mother was.
A Toddler (Future) Hero