Notes: it's Josette's fault, but Jaderose, Dennis, and William all gave ideas too.
Across the multiple universes, a few of the many versions of Xander woke up gasping from a bad dream that had to be a vision. A few got up to send messages to the others about it. Booknerd Xander or even Lavelle would know how to handle it. The GHS members that had the visions all winced but they knew what it was about. One of them told Comic Book shop owner Xander to tell Godly Xander and Lavelle. Lavelle probably knew, he had the second biggest collection of comic books outside the comic book store's collection, but he might not have read that plotline.
Lavelle got to Godly Xander's realm in time to hear Phil Coulson gasp awake and then turn to try to wake his mate Xander. Lavelle walked in there, sending a small zap of energy at that Xander, making him blink at them. "Didn't you get the vision?"
"No, I did," Phil complained, rubbing his eyes. "That wasn't our Stark. He was younger." He looked at Lavelle, sighing at the grin. "Can we fix it?"
"Can anyone really stop a Stark when they've got a bad idea?" Lavelle quipped back with a grimace.
"Yes," Godly Xander said, getting up. He was naked but oh well. He manifested a robe as he appeared in Stark's house, hauling him out of the bed. Steve Rogers tried to grab him but he swatted him back into his nap. Pepper almost woke up but he kept her down too. He went back to his temple with Stark, who he released before going to make coffee. "Huge shit just got seen but it's not our you," he said as he walked off. "Phil had the vision with Lavelle."
Stark looked at the not-his-Xander, who had white hair and was wearing a male kimono, then at his personal deity. "Okay, what vision?"
"You don't really pray to me," Phil said dryly. "Because I heard that thought."
Stark glared at him. "It's three in the morning and you get all the ones I don't dedicate to Pepper or Steve's abs. So, problems?"
Dawn showed up with a yawn, her mate and the kids with them. "Wow, which other Stark was that creating the AI that tried to take out humanity?"
"Little chaosy GHS Xander's," Lavelle said with an evil smirk.
"Aww, the baby one that the Devon coven made come into being to fulfill a prophecy?" Lavelle nodded, grimacing at that reminder. "Has he seen that prophecy?"
"I think he's already done that. He faced down Loki to postpone his issues during the invasion in New York," Godly Xander said. He sipped his coffee, letting the others pour their own cups. "How do we stop it beyond warning him?"
"I say we pull a textbook case of crack," Dawn said. "Which means you, me, Lavelle, and whoever gets to merge his realm with another Xander's realm for a bit to get them help." She sipped her coffee, looking at the kids then at Stark, then at Phil. "We could send them to another stronger, mechanical, geeky Xander's realm to handle it together."
"Hold up. I did what?" Stark demanded. "It's way too early for this level of complaining."
Clint looked at him. "I saw it when Dawn had the vision. You created an AI outside of JARVIS to spare us some work. Instead it decided humanity was the faulty thing that was keeping everyone from having peace. So it created some final peace." Stark slumped, shaking his head. "Not you, but another you."
"Who is in a world of hurt," Godly Xander quipped. "So much level of bullshit."
"I remember that plotline but I hated it," Lavelle admitted. "Let me get comic book geek me to write it out for us." The mailbox dinged with a message, from traveling Xander. "Or him. Mr. Multiverse and multi-planet said that this is going to be a world changing event for their world. He said he talked to comic book Xander and he said it changed the universe in the comics majorly. Not as much as the current 'secret wars' thing is doing but he said the comic book was scarily messy and led to a civil war among the heros."
"We're basing this on comic book information?" Stark asked.
Traveling Xander showed up in his special wardrobe, walking out with a comic book. He held it up. "Yeah, we are."
Stark took it to look at, grimacing. "I did consider this and then Buffy got pregnant."
Clint took it to look through. "How bad?"
"Killed many a hero. Killed a few cities worth of humanity." They shared a look. "Led to a hero registration, or a mutant registration depending on which realm you're in, act that led to Stark vs. Captain Rogers. All sorts of nasty."
Stark looked at him. "Why would it go there?" That Xander went back into his special wardrobe and came back with another comic book, this time a graphic novel compendium of the plotline. He flipped through it, skimming the story. He winced. "That sucks." He looked up. "This me needs to man up."
"That you got Captain America shot, for a while. He came back to life," Godly Xander said. "Clint took the shield for a few weeks until Bucky stepped up."
"Bucky's his choice to follow him," Clint said.
"It's also where the mini-avengers we had show up thanks to the Stark family ghost came from," Dawn quipped. "They might want to add some personal letters or something."
"It's years before most of them get old enough to use their skills," Godly Xander said. "They're still young. Only two years since Manhattan." Dawn nodded. "That'd make the mini-Clint about ten right now." He looked at the other two Xander's. "We can go tell the young, chaosy one. We can go with Dawn's plan of a classic textbook crack move."
Stark looked up. "I'd hate that."
"We'd be sending that world in touch with another nearby realm with a strong, geeky Xander who could help you."
Dawn snapped her fingers. "The new set of twins. The ones that spun off the original recently thanks to someone there going back to change their path in Africa."
"They could do," Godly Xander said, looking at that realm. "Hmm. Not seen real often. A Eureka," he said quietly. Traveling Xander beamed at him. "I know you have some. Yeah, that'll cause problems but not too many." He looked at Phil, who looked clueless. He touched him to share the details.
Phil huffed. "That could cause a lot of problems for both those worlds, Xander."
"Including my mental health there," Stark agreed, going back to skimming. "We're not going to have that here. At all." He handed it back with a head shake. "Can't we just send the me there over to them? Without warping reality that much?"
"That young GHS Xander could use some support too," Dawn said. "But maybe. You'd be without any support outside the Xanders and maybe that Eureka."
Stark grimaced. "I can probably handle it. I have a portable system that JARVIS connects to. It has enough of a kernel to run uncomplicated things or the suit without connection for at least a month."
"Or we could merge them to stop some other problems for everyone," Phil said, looking that way. "The twins could use some cuddles. They're in the midst of another wave of dates that shouldn't be." His Xander nodded, grimacing. "And they're weapons designers."
"We can try one single sending," Dawn said. "It may not work. It's a strong spell and like the portal we had here, there's always going to be a link. As a matter of fact, I felt them and President Xander's world connect. Somehow the helicarrier got sucked to Prez's world." She drank the rest of her coffee then took Natasha's. She was asleep, she didn't need it. Clint took the cup to get half of it then handed it back to Dawn, who smiled at him. The kids had crashed with the war dogs.
Loki, Ares, and Gaia showed up. "I felt a disturbance in the force," Gaia quipped, looking at the extra Xanders. "Shouldn't you be doing this on that closed realm, boys?"
"Vision," Phil said.
"I saw," she admitted. "Quite nasty, Mr. Stark."
"Not my doing," he admitted. "That's another version of me." He looked at Dawn. "How many of you at the convention have a me in their worlds?"
"Six," Lavelle said. "Though most aren't in contact."
"Hmm. I can easily write a letter to myself or whatever."
Gaia nodded. "That could help. We can also merge them enough to send that you to get help."
Ares shook his head. "That realm's out of balance. It'll need to be fully submerged, Gaia." He showed her on the map he manifested. "It's got a weak base."
"That's why the Devon Coven there had a Xander of their own and he got dedicated to Loki," Dawn said with a smirk for their Loki.
"I saw him. Quite...odd. What is wrong with him?"
"You've met the other GHS Xanders," Ares reminded him. "The ones with the long hair, Loki."
"Oh, yes, the headache inducing ones. It figures he would be one of them."
"Hormones and all," Dawn quipped.
"Poor man," he shot back. "Perhaps he'll find someone good to wear those out of him like you did."
"We've tested her a few times to make sure she wasn't a victim of the same problem," Clint said with a grin. "Because there's not many other methods that cause the insane stuff she does."
"Hey!" Natasha snorted and glared at her. "He just called me a trouble magnet again, Nat."
"Pot, kettle," she complained then went back to sleep. They were on magic now; when they got to weapons or fighting she'd be awake.
Clint and Dawn shared a look. Natasha got put back into their bed by Phil. The kids were cuddling the dogs so they got sent with the kids. That helped them stay in bed for a change. Philip still wandered at night unless he had something to cuddle him.
Ares and Loki shared a look. "We'll need a plot so it doesn't look like the good guys are panicking."
Dawn grinned at her big brother Xander. "That world has a Jane Foster who's dating Thor and trying to repair the Bifrost."
"That's a hell of an accident," he said, considering it.
"Less work than getting Atlantis off Asgard," Phil said dryly.
"True. Oh, hey, they're coming up on their convergence.... that's going to suck. That Thor's about to lose his mom." He considered it, looking at Gaia, who shrugged and went to do the dirty work this time. The others settled in to make plans. They could send minimal support over. Including Clint if necessary.
Gaia appeared on that other Asgard, staring at Odin. Who blinked back, mouth opening. "No, I'm not your version, Odin. I am here with a warning however. The convergence brings great grief when your palace is used as a landing dock for your ancient elven enemies. Even your sons will work together to avenge their mother's death," she said, moving forward. "It will get righteously nasty to quote my Xander."
He scowled. "What convergence?"
"It happens every so often. All the nine realms align? The last time the dark elves came as well."
"I have a few memories of that battle. My father fought in it," Odin said, scowling at her.
She smirked. "I depowered my Odin for being such a bad influence on humanity." He sat up straighter and quit scowling. "Thank you, dear." She smiled at Freya as she walked in. "Ah, the cusp of the problem." Freya stared at her, head tipped slightly. "The convergence starts off something evil by your death, Freya. The dark elves show up during it and use the palace's main area as a landing pad."
She blinked a few times then sat down. "When?"
"The convergence, dear. When the realms align?"
"Find out when that is," Odin yelled. One of the scholars came with a book. He looked it over with his wife. He looked at her. "Can it be stopped?" he demanded quietly.
"Yes. One of them shows up here as a warrior who is in fact a berserker. Also, we may need to twist it even further to stop a later event that humanity is trying to cause without realizing. Some of them want peace enough to create an artificial means of causing it." Freya moaned, shaking her head. "His heart is in the right place, but he doesn't realize, Freya. We can use this and the charming one's rebuilding project to twist all that. It would still possibly leave you in danger as we'd have to work it so the convergence lasted for at least two places."
"I can fight and arm myself better," Freya agreed.
"Good. Then we'll need both son's help, though Thor won't need to help right away, Dear. We'll need Loki's magic to help us. You know, he was very fierce in avenging you."
She smiled. "He is my son."
"Good woman." She shared how they planned on changing it to fix the later problems. London would get a bit more destroyed but oh well. They could handle that as well. Gaia took Loki to the place where the aether was and had him infected with it instead of Jane Foster. She looked at him. "It's imperative that you dance to *my* tune this time, Loki. Or else all you wish to rule will be dust and ashes. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Gaia," he said, staring at her. Smart beings knew not to piss this one off. He could feel the greater powers off her, even greater than Thanos had carried. This version of Gaia clearly was still a true Goddess.
She smiled. "Good boy. Let's go make some cookies, shall we?" She took him with her to the mortal realm, appearing before Jane Foster and her assistant. Jane squeaked and fell into a hole, which would bring Thor down anyway. "Miss Lewis, such a pleasure, dear. I'm Gaia," she said at the strange look she was being given.
"Sure. You're Mother Nature," she agreed, smiling at her. "How can we help and are you Asgardian as well, ma'am?"
"No, dear. I'm not your version of Gaia. I'm from another realm that's foreseen your realm going through hell. We're going to stop it. I'll need some of your help as well." Thor appeared. "Easy, Thor," she chided, smiling at him. "We need your help as well." He gaped at her, hammer loose in his hand. "The convergence brings many things and later ones will have to be stopped here. You're on to help us after the dark elves are dealt with. Loki is helping me so you two hopefully don't have to avenge your mother. Or humanity."
Thor stiffened up, nodding. "Yes, Gaia. What can I help you with?" He caught Jane when she reappeared, making her hug him.
"Your part comes later, after the convergence, Thor. For now, know that it will not simply be a battle with the enemies of Asgard, but also it will have to be warped. Things will not be allowed to be standard." He nodded once. "Good boy. When it's done, call your fellow hero Clint. He can get you to where you need to be but doesn't realize it yet."
"I shall. Any other duties I'll have, Gaia?"
"No, dear. That's a later problem. We're stopping someone with ideas of peace." Thor winced, shaking his head, mumbling about Men of Iron. "Exactly. So he's going to get some help. All right?" Thor nodded, looking at her. "Good. For now, snuggle, dear. Love is a precious thing that should always be savored as long as possible." She looked at Loki. "We will go together." He nodded, taking her hand to go with her. "You know, in my realm, your son is now the king of all Gods. He had to take over on me because your father and others caused so many problems I couldn't deal with. He and his true mate are quite good. That's how you ended up married to your true mate, Ares."
He blinked at her. "I'm married to Ares?" he demanded.
"Hmm." She smirked at him. "Quite. Aphrodite found it to be a true match after she was done with Ares and made sure it'd happen. You two are quite happy. And noisy."
He nodded, then shook his head. "That's almost evil."
"Yes but it does give you help where you need it. Your son is quite the strong God Protectorate of Humanity."
"*My* son?" he demanded.
She smiled and nodded, creating a crystal to let him see it. They landed in a charming little living room, looking at the robotic dog that rolled over to greet them. "Dear, is your human home?" It popped up a video message about being missing. "Oh, dear. Is someone saving him?" The dog barked an affirmative noise. "Wonderful. We'll wait. Are there others here?" The dog nudged a toy toward a doorway. She went to look, smiling at the charming garden spaces. Behind her Loki was shuddering on the couch about his son and his mate's realm.
Phil Coulson walked in and paused, pulling his gun. "Loki," he sneered. "Why are you here?"
"Gaia demanded," he said blandly, waving a hand toward the garden area. "Gaia." He could deal with the upstart mortal later.
She came out to smile at him, healing him a bit more with a pat to his shoulder. "Dear, it's important to save your whole world. I'm sorry to force this on you."
He sighed. "If I must I can be polite."
"That would be for the best," she agreed, smiling at him. "We needed to talk to this stunning young chaos child."
"He's being rescued from Latvia. Again."
"Poor boy. Is that charming Clint boy with him?"
"Yes. He's the one doing the rescuing." He looked at Loki then at her. "That's nearly cruel to him," he said quietly.
"If I had another way I would, dear. Unfortunately we'll need him to save humanity after the upcoming convergence."
Coulson grimaced. "Is it an ordained one or a natural one? I can get the information back to SHIELD."
"I'd rather not invoke that nest of pit vipers in disguise."
"Pit... we have dirty agents?"
"Yes, dear, you do. Many, many of them." He sighed, shaking his head. "The ones you trained personally are all good. Trust in them. Even the angry one." She patted him on the cheek. "Go rest. We'll wait on that nice young one."
"He has fruit salad in the refrigerator and I can make tea," he offered.
"That's fine, dear. I really do adore his garden and the flying nymphs. They're adorable." She went back to looking at things. "Oh, a wedding vine." She tested it. "The quick growing kind," she said, leaving it alone.
Phil looked in there. "He calls it a life vine and said that other hims used it in space battles."
She nodded. "That would definitely take lives. Go rest. You need rest to heal and I can play with the darling little cat in here."
"Be careful, she pees on things," he said, going to his room. He sent a message to Clint to hurry up and it was going to be a shock when they got back.
Clint stopped Xander from walking into the house first, opening the door to look in. He sneered. "Loki." He walked in. A female came out. "Who're you?" he asked.
"That's Gaia," Xander said, walking in around him. "Lady Gaia, what can this young one do for you?" He knelt at her feet, letting her sit down. "How can I help you?"
"You may help me when the convergence needs to be fixed so that your guardian's teammate doesn't do something truly dangerous."
He nodded. "Okay. What's the plan?" She handed over the notes that the mini Xander convention had sent. He read it, wincing and handing it to Clint. "That's fine. I can aid you however you need, Lady Gaia."
"Good boy. I find your garden area most charming." He beamed. "Especially that mated set of plants."
"The one of me that travels around everywhere in the special wardrobe has their parents, Gomez and Morticia. They're baby plants off his."
"They're charming!" She smiled. "Very affectionate as well. Gomez did smoke nicely when I let him nibble on me." He grinned at her, hopping up to show her some of the specimens he was working on cultivating. They were all from off-world but were lovely things.
Clint stared at Loki. "Fine. I can deal with you." Phil came out of his room doing up his shirt. "Thanks for the warning."
"I told you it'd be shocking."
"It is." He glared at Loki. "Does he have to stay here?"
"No idea," Phil admitted. "Latvia?"
"They finally arrested their industrial billionaire that wanted him so much. After three rescues and us taking out his house this time, they finally got the hint."
Phil nodded. "That's wonderful." Clint smirked back. "Lady Gaia said that SHIELD is a nest of pit vipers."
Clint blinked. "Excuse me?"
"Something about those who worship strange sea creatures," Loki said with a hand wave. "They had the cosmic cube originally, before Stark found it."
Phil considered that. "HYDRA?"
"Is that what your native hydra look like?" Loki asked dryly. "Ours look quite different."
"No, but they're dumb while holding world takeover plans," Phil said. "I..." He paused to consider it. "We need to remove them without collapsing anything."
"It can't happen," Xander called. He leaned out of the garden area. "It's core rotted in places. Move. The. Weapons." Phil pulled the phone over to call someone who could do that. Xander got the sudden headache look. "Not him!" Phil hung up and called someone else. Xander grinned at Clint, going back to showing off the wine grapes. Gaia smiled at him for that help. "I sent a warning about that vision," he said quietly.
"Thankfully you didn't have to see peace taking out your realm like a few others did, dear."
"Can I have my dog bite him?"
"No, it wouldn't be very nice of you." She smiled, patting him on the cheek. "Though you will get to visit with the twins. The new ones, not the originals."
"Cool!" He beamed at her. "I love the twins, both versions of them."
"What twins?" Clint called.
"Weapons designing twins, Clint. The other set like the ones who gave me the plans that I warped to make Frodo."
"Oh, them." He nodded. Loki laughed. "Twin Xanders."
"I'm sure they give the me in their realm much fun."
"Never dedicated and only Janus has helped them," Xander called.
"That poor realm then," Loki said dryly. He got comfortable. Frodo dropped a ball at his feet. "What are you doing?"
"He wants to play," Clint said, taking the ball to keep the robotic dog away from the chaos god. Who knows how Loki would warp the dog.
Xander walked into Stark's lab when the change was about to happen, grabbing him and Bruce to pull them together. "I'm doing Gaia's orders." The world changed around them. "Only two got stuck now and she's got Clint bringing them." He looked at Stark, then handed over the two comics that got sent to him. "You were going to create one and that problem created the other. So now we're with another realm where we can get help since it's already too late to destroy it."
He stared at him. "They had to change all of reality to make sure humanity survived your AI." Bruce was growling. He looked at him. "Lady Gaia had to, Dr. Banner. And I had to grab you or you would've been back there all by your lonesome." He looked at Stark, who was mad. "Hey, not my doing. I've got to help with the other problem. Namely, his," he said with a point at the stomping in Steve Rogers.
He held out the envelope. "From Lady Gaia and one of me from another realm." He snatched it to read. He looked at Stark, pointing at the graphic novel. "Your AI," he said quietly. "You wanted peace so hard but the only real peace is the final peace." Stark flinched, shaking his head. "Yeah. Unfortunately. Thankfully for the next two months we're merged with a realm where you can get some genius help to undo it. The me here can help you with that. They're like the twins who designed the Pippen tanks only someone went back into their timeline to change something in Africa so this is a spin-off world of theirs. This set never went to CSI school but they're starting out right now." He looked at Bruce. "All you have to do is rest for two months. Preferably where anyone who's HYDRA can't get you." He pointed at Steve's letter. "Because SHIELDRA is massively core rotted and we can't stop it without causing even more problems."
"How do we know this?" Steve demanded.
Xander sighed, puling out the small cube to let the video play. "The you in Dawn's realm created the cube." He got out of the way of that Xander, Stark, and Clint Barton telling them what was going on. He looked at Steve, patting him on the arm. The hero glared at him. "There's something special that's going to torment you. Did you read Gaia's note on the back?" he asked quietly. He looked then had to sit down. Xander nodded. "We'll help. I know the me here will help and if they're like me they have a ton of contacts that aren't always great but they can help."
Steve looked at him. "Can we save him first?"
"Do we have the means to rescue him from the cryo stuff?" Xander asked.
"No. Not yet. They do?" Steve handed over the letter. He read it, wincing at what it said. "They have been."
"He has no idea about *anything*," Xander warned them. "Even Loki felt sorry for him. Gaia's making him help. He's the anchor stone to put us back in two months. It saved his mom's life and Thor's helping him since it took his girlfriend's bridge building to start the process."
Stark slumped, shaking his head. "I am working on that. I can end the AI."
"It's gone viral," Clint said as he walked in. "I had Natasha hack in to check, Stark." Stark glared at him. "It's let itself clone tiny pieces here and there on the web and it's monitoring HYDRA to see if it wants to help them."
"Fuck," Stark said.
"Yeah, which is why it's taking multiple Xanders again," Xander said dryly, smirking at him. "And a town full of geeks. You'll like Oregon."
Clint stiffened. "I saw that show!"
"Real here," Xander quipped. "My brilliant twin versions can get someone to get him there while we work on stuff. There's going to be *huge* fits from this realm but it was that or we all died. And then it'd find a way to move on by taking Jane Foster's work to bridge to another realm. In the comics it got stopped but we lost basically the population of a small country in Europe."
"I'll take some screaming," Stark said. "I want all you know, kid."
"That is all I know. I wasn't one of the ones that got the vision. The twins here may have. They're in Chicago, just starting off their company. They work with a Mountie and a nice detective named Ray Kowalski. Who is at the twenty-seventh from what just hit my mind. Can't you write it down for me? I'll never remember all that. I'm backed up," he begged. A scroll appeared. "Thank you, Lady Aphrodite. You're a great goddess." He handed it over. It changed with a twinkling going down the paper.
Stark shook his head but looked it over, having to find a seat by feel. He got into the comic books, handing them to Steve and Bruce when he was done. He finally looked at Xander, who was staring outside. "Now what?"
"Now, SHIELD is pulling up. I can see the trench coat of bad attitude." He looked at him. "Phil's still at my house."
"He's here," Clint said. "With our SHIELD."
Xander grinned. "You have good plans."
"Call the you here to warn them."
"I can do that." He whispered a spell against the window, waving at Andrew. "Hi, Andrew."
"Xander....." He blinked at him. "What the hell?"
"We're merged right now to save our world from an AI who's intended to create peace."
Andrew's mouth opened, then he groaned and shook his head. "Great."
"So we need the twins to get this Stark into Eureka for some help."
"I don't think they know those geeks. They're scary geeks."
"Do they know someone they can ask?"
"Yeah, that they do. We can start there. Where are you?"
"Avengers Tower in New York."
"Okay, so you're from that type of realm. I read some of those comics." Xander got the ones from Fury to hand over. He flipped through them, nodding quickly. "Yeah, we can ask. Let me get them out of the vault. They're healing from a bad date." He handed them back. "Call back in an hour?"
"I can try." He grinned. "Have a better day, Andrew."
"You too, Xander." Xander hung up and Andrew went jogging down to the vaults. "Guys! It's a huge emergency! There's another you, a Stark, and Ultron's being made so they need into Eureka!"
The twins came up with him, calling friends already. This was so bad. "Where?" Alex asked quietly.
The twins moaned but told their contacts that.
"And guys, I saw SHIELD agents I know were dirty in the comics," he warned.
"Oh, just charming! It's SHIELDRA time," Xander complained.
"Yup," Andrew quipped. "I'm starting coffee and cookies."
"Start muffins?" Alex suggested.
"I can do that." He went to do that, calling some of his own contacts to help fix this.
In New York, Xander looked at both Nick Fury's. "Gaia started it to save all of us. The goddess of the earth didn't want to be alone."
"Is she warped like Loki?" his Nick Fury demanded.
"He's the locking keystone to get us home in two months," Clint said with a grin. "They infected him with special stuff so he could do that by warping Thor's girlfriend's work."
Stark sighed, nodding. "I was trying to do the right thing. Apparently I'm on that road to hell that I've specially paved." He threw down a pen. "How do I replay the cube?" Xander came over to do that. Both of them watched it and both Furys groaned, shaking their heads.
Xander nodded. "With a special precaution." He looked at his Nick Fury. "How rotten is our SHIELD by HYDRA?" Steve handed over his letter from Gaia.
Both of them stared at it. "That's going to be messy," the one from that realm said.
Xander nodded. "Yup. In the comics in other realms, it destroyed SHIELD, nearly the US, and there's a ton of bad things hidden by SHIELD that they're grabbing. Like Loki's scepter? Weapons?" Both Furys called in people.
"No," Clint warned. "You can't trust them." They hung up. "Hill, Coulson, me, Nat, May. Bobbi. Hunter. Not Ward but the rest of the team you were going to put with Coulson on that plane."
"Yours survived?" the local Fury demanded, looking at himself.
"Yeah, thanks to the kid and some potion. Yours?"
"Brought back as some sort of keystone but I've got him in hiding."
"Elixir of life," Xander said. "We got warned by an Uncle Phil who is married to his Xander, and is a God over heros."
Stark shook his head. "He has to be so insane." Clint grinned but nodded. "What ideas does anyone have?"
"You need to get help in Eureka and the twin mes here can help you," Xander said. "I'm apparently being a diversion for the rotten ones. Clint's I don't know."
Clint nodded. "I'm not the geek Natasha is. She can help Stark with you guys."
"I need to get their hostages," Steve said. He flipped the note over, staring at both Nick Furys. "I can't let anyone do that."
"We can find him," the local one said.
Xander winced, holding his head. "He's in DC. They're waking him soon. By the way, your boss is the head guy." He looked at the two badasses. "Have fun with him and his helicarrier plan to take out 'dangerous' ones."
"Hell no," their Nick Fury said. "Where?" Xander shrugged and took down notes on what he had seen, handing it over.
"We need him woken," Stark said. "I don't know if we know how to deal with that sort of frostbite."
"Deal," Fury agreed. They stared at Stark. "Fix this shit."
"I had no idea it'd do this," he said firmly. "Of course I'm fixing it!"
Andrew appeared, handing over a paper. "That is how you get to Eureka. They're not expecting you but you need to go today. The rotten ones are going to snap like a bear trap thing." He looked at Xander, who grinned and hugged him. "You need to be safer. They'll consider you a toy."
"I am a toy but I'm a damn deadly one if I don't like how they're playing with me." He grinned. "I can go help my twin selves."
"Maybe. I'm getting you with their Homeland and FBI contacts to talk to. That way they know what's going on. They'll be here tonight." He nodded. "Go home." Xander looked at Clint, who nodded. He went home. Andrew looked at Clint. "You're to guard him. Because he can enslave an area. All Xanders draw serial killers. The one after the twins would *adore* having him. Since he likes to eat people...."
"Yeah, I can help guard him. Who're you?"
"Andrew. I used to work with the twins when we were all Council full time." He grinned. "Now I work for the twins designing pretty things." He handed over a small bag. "Should link into your phone with the cord included." He waved and disappeared.
"Huh," he said, looking. "Little robotic vermin. Interesting." He pulled a mouse out to look at it. He plugged it into his phone and it uploaded the app. Then he could see. "That's a really good surveillance camera," he said, smiling and showing Stark and Steve.
"That's a great idea," Stark agreed. "Huh. I thought they just did helpful tanks." He gathered up a few things plus his laptops and tablets to pack. "Let me get there."
"I'm having you flown," the local Nick Fury said.
"Can you trust them?" Steve asked.
"He's one of my top people."
Phil Coulson strolled in but not theirs. This one was wearing a flannel shirt and jeans, plus hiking boots. He stared at the two Nick Furys then smacked them both upside the head. "Centipede is HYDRA lite. The guy in charge of that is my former training mate," he said slowly and clearly. "Hand's not evil, just power hungry. Move. The. Weapons. And the gravity thing if you have it. Today. Trust. No one," he finished slowly and clearly. "Hill, this team, me, May."
"Bobbi," Clint said. "Lance Hunter and his team."
"True, I had forgotten about them," Godly Phil Coulson said, smiling at him. "I could almost wish a Dawn into your life. She does drive you nuts but makes you happy."
"Is that the same one that has kids with me and Nat?"
"Yup." He grinned. "I love my godchildren. They're little hellions. Your daughters stole your bow to twang like your son does your guitar and accidentally shot Natasha in the ankle. She was so proud." He looked at Nick Fury, then smirked. "Don't make me turn you into snails." They called those orders in to Agent Hill. He looked at Stark. "Sometimes doing the right thing is the wrong thing. You tried. It's a good idea. My realm's been looking at backup teams and the like. If my Stark didn't have the genius kids he's trying not to ruin or be eclipsed by, he might've too. Thankfully his daughter drives him in other directions of science."
"Clairvoyant?" one of the Nick Furys asked.
"My training mate. You trained us together." He shot him a look. "He's the infection point but not patient zero. Patient zero is in the former SHIELD office as an AI."
Stark moaned. "My dad?"
"No. He had your parents taken out." He looked at him. "He had no idea, Stark, and he's been mind bent so often he might never remember. They used him like the Xander in your world uses his dog tank. He was their attack dog and he had no clue."
Stark nodded, sucking in a breath. "I can't hate him for that if he didn't realize."
"He had no idea about anything. He still doesn't know who he was. Or who Steve is. Or anybody. They did such a great job with his brain he may never regain a lot. The one in our world, he's still having flashbacks and regaining things after seven years."
Stark nodded. "That's evil shit."
"Yeah, that's HYDRA," he said dryly. "I'm glad we haven't had to deal with them. Our Bucky got free enough to take out his handlers and then wiped out most of the rest before Dawn found him. We weren't nearly as rotted as you guys are. Here or at home." He shrugged. "Oh, and if you have kids? They'll like science just like you. Your kids are little dicks but good at it. Your daughter just created a neuro bridge to get around the damaged spinal cord she has when one of your enemies shot her." He disappeared.
Stark blinked a few times. "Damn. Hold on, I have kids?" he demanded.
Clint nodded. "I talked to the me from there when Dawn was getting our Xander for the yearly Xander convention. You have four kids all together. Your daughter that NID made, your son with Pepper, your daughter with Pepper, and Steve's daughter with Pepper."
Stark nodded slowly. "Pepper doesn't like kids."
"She and Dawn did a great job raising the oldest one. She's one hell of a Stark. Twelve and has multiple patents." Stark smiled at that. "Your son's right behind her in that in many ways. Though your daughter likes animals. She's got a herd of cats."
"That would definitely drive Pepper nuts," he said. "You have kids?"
"I have a son with Dawn, and then the girls got pregnant together thanks to a Stark halloween party one year. So I have daughters who might as well be twins from two moms." He nodded. "My son's a bit demented but he likes my guitar. My daughters are fashionable but cranky and strong. Dawn and Natasha made sure of it."
"You're with Natasha and another one? Wow, that you has stamina," Steve said, then covered his mouth. "Sorry."
"Dawn's our favorite treat apparently," he said with a grin. "And we're about to have more because some Asgardian goddesses wanted it to be so. Diapers. Yay."
Stark nodded, patting him on the arm. "That you must be insane."
"Slightly. The Dawn there is your assistant."
"Pepper's but she handles you."
"Interesting. Okay, let me get to Oregon."
"I'm flying," Clint ordered.
"Sure." They grabbed the stuff, Stark remembering the directions, and left for the quin jet.
Steve looked at both directors of SHIELD. "Now what?"
"I find the root of this shit while we plan to end it without it starting some sort of civil war," one of them said. Steve handed over that graphic novel so they could see it. They both grimaced. "Hell no."
"I won't let it happen either," Fury said. "Let's go to DC, Cap."
"Yup." He gathered what he'd need and met them at the SUV in the garage. He had things he had to avenge and things he had to solve. He'd find out later if his list needed to be added to. A DVD twinkled into his lap so he picked it up to look at. Two movies. One called 'the Avengers'. The other called 'Captain America: the Winter Soldier'. He put the first one into the DVD player so he and the spare Fury could see it. It got their battle pretty right. They ran into the other Steve Rogers in DC and pulled him in to watch both of those movies. The non-local Steve Rogers told him how his battle of Manhattan had differed. Now they needed to find a way to divert the new one.
It did give them one person they could absolutely trust.
*** (sent to list to here by email)
Andrew looked up, smiling at the people stomping into the house. "Didn't like that other Xander?"
"What's wrong with him?" one of the agents asked.
"He's got a hormone condition that sends his pheromones and other hormones through the roof if he doesn't wear it out," Andrew said, handing over that packet.
They read it, nodding at it. "That explains a lot," the female agent said, handing it back.
Someone walked in. "Lizzy," he said.
"Reddington." She smiled at him. "Good news?"
"Very good news. I got to a contact I know in Eureka who can tell others that Stark's showing up with a problem that caused this realm merge." He looked at the notes then at Andrew. "Why?" he asked with a point at it.
"The Xander from their realm is suffering from it. He really needs a good lover."
"So do ours."
"Yeah." He nodded. "Could be helpful." The other agents all snorted. "Anyway, the twins are in the lab area of the vault." He sent a message down there and Xander came up.
Xander put the notes he had down. "From the Xander convention mail system. A few others had visions of it and only sent it to us the day they were going to merge things so we wouldn't freak as much."
They looked them over, nodding at what they saw. "That's a good reason to come for help," their Homeland Security liaison Agent Barrings decided, looking at him. "You two's part?"
"Support and helping our younger self with whatever he needs to do to help. We're all Xanders and we're all badass when we need to be. That one helped during their battle of Manhattan. His first one but he was only nineteen."
"We can help by watching over him, making sure he's not taken," Andrew said. "I laid a few more protections around his house with the help of the goblins." Everyone stared at him oddly. "He has a link to a goblin bank in his realm. Apparently they got displaced during an argument and started their own bank."
"Yeah, Miami Xander said they made a great deal to help him deal with things while managing his money for him," Xander said with a grin for them. "They're great about making sure demons and others can't try to screw with his money like they do to Miami Xander."
"There's others with this hormone problem?" Reddington asked, almost wincing at the two held up fingers.
"Three," Alex reminded him. "Miami, softer, and the one that was teaching everyone how to use his forge to make pretty things."
"Oh, yeah, him. I forgot about him." He grinned. "He's a neat Xander. Kinda tough. You should really ask Xander to show you those dances all them do. They're hot, but damn good." Alex nodded to back that up. Andrew gave them a strange look.
That Xander appeared thanks to a messenger demon, huffing. "I *so* need to take out insurance against wannabe warrior spawn." He pouted but sat down on the nearest stool. "Not Asgardian but thinks he's just as good as Thor or Lady Sif, yet weaker than Andrew was in ninth grade by your pictures. Can't use the sword he's waving around like it's a damp noodle, and is trying to pretend to be a mage on top of it." He rolled his eyes. "Pathetic."
Andrew hugged him. "It's all right. We'll handle it." He grinned. "Remember, it's nicer here. You never had Sunnydale."
"I know." He squealed and hugged Lizzy. "There's no women around me, almost never, and I need help with something. Can you help?"
"Depends on what. I'm not the girlish sort."
"I need to rearrange my weapons display. It's twinkly and pretty but it looks off balance."
"I can help with that." He pulled up pictures on his phone. "Are you looking for more?"
He grinned. "I can make my own. It's a good use for some of the stupid jewels I've been given too." He let her see the pictures. "I had the two daggers switched with the hand axe at one time but it looked even more wrong. I don't know why."
She looked them over then pointed. "It's unbalanced on the bottom and the top lance is off-center. Then I'd switch this wider bladed sword with this fencing blade." Xander hugged her and went back to do that. He came back after a minute with new pictures. She nodded it looked better.
Andrew cleared his throat. "I thought you could maybe show them why GHS are so wanted by showing them some of those dances, Xander."
Xander blinked then grinned evilly. "That might be a bad, naughty thing, Andrew."
"Yeah but you're good at it," Alex said. "Go use our gym. You could probably use the destressing time. They can watch on camera." Xander nodded. "You can even borrow bike shorts or something." He took that Xander to get him some clothes then he went to workout while the others stared at the cameras. He looked at Andrew. "So mean," he mouthed. Andrew grinned.
Their Homeland liaison moaned first. "What is that?"
"It leads back to self defense," Alex quipped. "Only the GHS members can do it."
Reddington cleared his throat then nodded. "That's mean, boys. Appropriate but mean." He walked off. "I'll call out there again. You might need to translate Stark to regular geek."
"Sure, we can go on geek spring break," Xander quipped with an evil smirk for his twin. Who grinned back.
"Do I want to know why now there's three of you?" Ray Vecchio demanded as he walked up the hallway. "And why is that one slinky and slightly evil?"
"He's got a hormone problem. That's his way of working them out since no one good is presently making him bend over and squeal, and we're presently merged with another realm so they can fix a problem with our geeks help. They only had a Stark. We have a major dose of geekage."
Ray Vecchio stared at him. "Okay. Does that one design weapons?"
"No, he's a natural born concubine. We're keeping him safe."
The other agents all nodded. "We'll make sure he's not bothered while they're here," one said quietly then they left as a group to get drunk, pick up hookers, and then report to their bosses on why it was such a bad thing in the making.
The twins grinned at Ray. "We love our cuddly Xander self," they said in unison.
"But he needs better dates," Andrew quipped. "He got kidnaped by a prince recently."
"The one in Miami has ruined at least forty demon realms getting himself back from kidnapings."
"Sure, we'll watch that one better than we do," Vecchio said, getting coffee and going to the office to not watch the security feed. Before he went down there to cure that one's problems.
The twins grinned at Andrew, pulling him down to work with them on stuff to keep that Xander safe.
Tony Stark walked out of the quin jet's back door with Clint behind him helping carry the heavy stuff. "I'm Tony Stark," he said in greeting, nodding politely at the sheriff.
"Only a few of us have heard you're coming. I've got the head of Global Dynamics coming to talk to you at my office, Mr. Stark. Why don't we go there and you can tell us what's that huge that you had to go around our usual protocols."
"I paved the road to hell," Tony said dryly. "In the name of peace."
The sheriff winced. "It's all right. We try to destroy the world at least once a month around here." Clint laughed. "Seriously," he said but he was grinning. He got them into his jeep and took them to town so they could rest at the sheriff's office. By the time he got there, three people were waiting impatiently. He got out of the way. "Are you two related?" he asked when the introductions started.
"I'm from the other realm that just got merged," Tony said. "Weirder things have happened though." He looked at the other Stark. "What do you know about our realm?"
"Not a thing."
The young guy behind them coughed slightly. "You're Iron Man. The one with you is Hawkeye. You're comics to us, Mr. Stark."
Tony smiled and nodded. "I heard that earlier." He looked at the confused looking scientist. "I was working on an AI that would help my team," he said with a point at Clint. "Him and others. That way we only had to show up for huge battles. A robotic sentinel program. In my arrogance," he sighed. "I created the Ultron program that is apparently going to take out humanity."
The two scientists looked at each other then at him. "Are you usually found creating AI's?"
"Yes. JARVIS is my virtual butler and does just about everything in the tower."
Clint pulled out his phone, dialing a number. "J, my man, you need in on this talk," he said, putting him on speaker.
"Yes, Mr. Barton, I probably should be," the AI said dryly. "I've found at least thirty kernels of the Ultron program have cloned itself on the internet. We've managed to destroy most but a few have split instead of dying and have moved out of the containment area, sir. I've put the information on your laptop if you'd turn it on."
"I can do that," Stark said, pulling it out to turn on. He let them see it.
"That's your artificial intelligence unit?" the female asked.
"Yes, Dr. Blake," the phone said. "I'm JARVIS. I'm his virtual butler and sometimes his babysitter," he said sarcastically. "Sir, you really must rest and eat sometime in the next thirty-three-and-a-quarter-hours. Ms. Potts wanted you reminded just in case you got too wrapped up."
"I'll do it once we go over what I did," Stark said. "Tell her we're here and it's all right. They think I'm nuts...."
"We all think you're a bit nuts," Clint said. "You fly around in a mech suit full of weird things only you understand. None of us can get you out of it if you nearly die again."
"I've worked out a remote password access for emergencies, Mr. Barton," the AI said. "Captain Rogers has the password and I'll be giving each of you one just in case."
"Thank you. Makes it a lot easier to help."
"Steve Rogers?" Dr. Blake demanded. "Like Captain America?"
"He's in DC," Stark said. "With your version probably."
She moaned, rubbing her head. "Oh, no."
Stark handed over the comic book and the notes that had been given to them. "We got helped by some...weirder than us help. That's what they gave us."
Dr. Stark nodded, looking over the comic book. "This is really bad." He looked at his counterpart.
"There's five of us," Stark said. "I'm middle aged. Rogers is presently hip deep in political drama plus the new drama they told us about SHIELD. Romanoff and Barton are basically exceptional humans, though only one has something enhancing her." Barton shrugged from where he was leaning against a wall. "Bruce's got a recent instability in his changing, and I had to blow up all my old suits and change how I was running mine when I had the power unit taken out of my chest because people came for me due to it."
Dr. Blake nodded. "We've seen that happen to other scientists." Stark relaxed. "We can help. We have a few experts in artificial intelligence but none of them are this far ahead. That plus you and our computer department could hopefully stop this menace before it takes out a lot of people." Stark sighed but nodded. "We can work on it. Mr. Barton?"
"I'm his bodyguard," he quipped with a grin. "Keeping all the money grubbing hos off him."
"Pepper has a special spray to drive them off," Stark quipped back, smirking at him. "You should see if it works on yours."
"I don't have girls like that."
"Uh-huh. Because someone didn't sneak into the tower to nakedly lounge in your bed."
"She was looking for Rogers and got mixed up. She even told the judge she was horrified that she got into my room instead."
"Hos are hos," Dr. Blake agreed. "They're all dumb and think with their crotches instead of their brains."
"Some we think their brains got relocated so they get nudged each time they manage to trap someone in their bed," Stark said dryly. "Like succuba only it's to stimulate their cortex and core functions instead."
Dr. Stark laughed, nodding. "Definitely. I've seen a few of those and fired them. Let's go up to Global Dynamics. We'll see what we can do. Tell us about SHIELD's current problems? We were warned by the DoD there were some."
"The same ones Cap fought in the war," Clint said quietly. "We think they have their own AI's who're watching everything and everywhere."
Both scientists winced and groaned. "Crap," the young guy said. "We can initiate some blocking protocols. Mr. Barton will you need anything special?"
"A cot somewhere mostly quiet is great. I've probably slept worse places." He gathered his bow and quiver. "I'm good otherwise. I even brought survival supplies in case I needed to eat."
Fargo gave him an odd look. "Is that usual when you're in the labs?"
"I'm not a scientist. I'm a sniper and an assassin. Sometimes a spy." He grinned. "I'm an archer, not a geek. My science is trajectory."
"That makes more sense. We can find you a room for a few days," Fargo said, leading him out. "I'll start the listening and blocking protocols as soon as I've got him settled, Dr. Stark."
"Thank you, Fargo." He left, taking Stark and Blake with him. "Why did they send you with a bodyguard?"
"There's nothing like this in our realm," Stark said. "I have no idea how you guys work and Fury demanded. The only one who doesn't have a guard is Bruce and I almost dare someone to upset him."
"Banner. He turns into a giant green rage monster." Stark smiled. "Nice guy. Great scientist. Just...has some anger issues."
Dr. Blake looked him up, showing her ex-husband. "How did that happen?" she asked him.
"Long story that starts with the Army wanted to replicate what happened to Rogers. Then there was a misfire." She winced, shaking her head. "He's good. He's got a lot of control over it. He just really avoids getting mad unless it's necessary." He pulled up some other videos. "The battle of Manhattan."
She took the phone to watch it, wincing at some things. "Who's the guy in green and black?"
"Loki. Thor's brother. Right now, some goddess named Gaia has him being the lynchpin of the realm merge so he can't cause problems."
"Gods are real there?" she demanded, shifting to look at him better.
"Thor's Asgardian. That's a whole other realm. Though that Gaia is from a whole other realm that had all this as a vision."
"Oh." She grimaced, looking at Stark. "That's a lot different than we have."
"You guys have a Thor. Fury told us that on the way out here." They both looked at him. "Apparently he showed up during the sixties but it was hushed up. We just had a nine realms convergence that made this merging possible so Gaia handled it before she was all alone." He sighed. "I really hate myself over this."
"I would too," Stark agreed. "But sometimes you do what you think you have to do."
The twins cuddled their other self, watching tv. They were all bored but ordered not to get into trouble. The twins shared a look then looked at younger them. "We need to go do something."
"Clubbing?" younger Xander asked with a grin. "I haven't gotten to do that in a while."
"Can you be safe doing it?" Alex asked.
"Probably. We'd watch out for each other so none of us get taken." He grinned. "Plus the ones that usually want me expect me to be in New York. And hey, if that prince shows up, you guys can help me yell at him. Right?" he asked, sounding hopeful.
"Of course," that other Xander said. "I'd hate to be the love slave of a prince."
"Me too. He tried to sue me for damaging his palace while I was getting free of him with Clint's help."
"What a dick," Alex said. "Maybe some of our dates are closer and nicer today."
"Maybe," his twin agreed. "Could help. We're all jumpy but we need to help with the Ultron thing."
"That's more Andrew's thing since it's a computer," Alex said. "We make pretty things, he makes computer things."
"Yeah," his twin agreed, then they shared a grin.
"I just warp plans. That's how I got my Frodo and the other set of twins made me Samwise." He grabbed them out of the bag and let them out. The twins cooed at them, making them happy puppies. They got up to shower and find something naughty to wear. The young Xander had his own leather pants and muscle shirt. They left with the dogs. Just in case they needed the help. Frodo helped by distracting Diefenbaker when he tried to block them getting into the car. They decided to bring the half-wolf with them to the club. Alex knew somewhere they could get in with the dogs.
Ray Kowalski got the call from a loud place. "Yeah, Kowalski," he said, sighing as he put his feet off the coffee table and back into his shoes. "Where are they? Three...oh, yeah, I heard. What happened?" He listened. "Diefenbaker?" He winced. "Sure, that's cute of their robotic dog to bite someone. Yeah, twenty minutes." He hung up and called Benton on his way out the door. "It's me. The twins and their other self took your dog with them to the club. Apparently it helped guard them with the robotic dogs the young one came with. Be there in five, Buddy." He hung up, sliding into his car and starting the engine, heading out. "Isn't Vecchio supposed ta have them on a leash?" he complained as he drove. "Surely Ma will understand him havin' to skip dinner ta pick 'em up."
Benton walked into the club in normal people clothes instead of his uniform. He nodded politely at the bartender. "My wolf bit someone?"
"No, the robotic dog bit someone. Your wolf just growled a whole lot when the guy's minions tried to help get the robot off him. Then the young one that's not the twins beat the living crap out of the guy for daring to touch his magnificence as he put it. They're back on the floor. We really like the dogs." He pointed down. "I'm told that's Samwise."
Benton looked at the small lapsized robot dog. "Good evening, Samwise. Please lead me to your human?" It barked and zipped off so he followed. Ray followed when he stomped in. Benton politely tapped someone on the shoulder. "May I have Xander please?" he asked.
"He's mine," he sneered.
Xander looked back at him. "Groping does not equate ownership." He brushed him off. "Hey, Benton."
"Xander. Are you three ready to go home?"
"We were having fun until the jackasses tried for me and Alex." He shrugged.
The younger Xander strolled over, leaning on his other self's shoulder with a grin for them. "The mean ones are not going to win this time. I'll hormone all the fuck of them." He hugged Xander, grinning at him. "Come tell me who I'm actually dancing with? He got us confused. He thought I was Alex."
"I can do that." He followed him back to that corner of the floor, walking around the dogs. "Dude," he complained. "Get off my twin. He doesn't need your diseases and neither does this Xander." The man blinked at them, then groaned.
"And you're a what sort of bad guy?" Ray Kowalski demanded.
The guy sneered. "One better than you'll ever be, *Detective*."
Xander slapped him. "Leave Ray alone. He's a nice guy. We like nice people." Someone screamed and fell but Alex walked over him shrugging a bit at their looks. "You good?"
"Guy just said he'd love to tie me up, rape me, then cut me prettily. Fuck him with a cadillac, because I'm not going there and he's probably already open that wide anyway." Xander cooed and cuddled him. "Thanks, dear." He blew a kiss at his twin. "You should cuddle this well."
"I can cuddle very well but I don't have the extra-cuddly hormones he does. He's got special cuddles." That Xander turned and threw a dagger at the guy who had just smacked him on the ass, making him scream. "Nice shot." Xander beamed at him.
"Bit off center but we can work on that. We have a target setup in the range," Alex said, taking him to cuddle. "So, anyway, why call you to this bar full of bad guys, Ray?"
Ray sent a text message. "Grab the pets and let's go. The boss wanted ta talk to you two about this one's security needs. Apparently all the agents hiring pros was thought to be a bit odd."
"I didn't even do the more sensual parts of the dance," younger Xander quipped. "Wow. Must've been desperate."
Benton smiled. "I'd like to know more about those. I grew up among Inuits and their storytelling."
"It's a really cool storytelling series of dances. It's got about eighty hours of them," Xander said, taking his arm. "Boys, c'mon." The two robotic dogs followed them. Diefenbaker helped Ray guard the twins. They were stopped at the door. Xander stared at him then shrugged and let his hormones out. "I only accept blow job minions if they're really nice and like my cooking." He smiled. "Are you nice and will you like my cooking?"
"I...." He was sweating. "I only accept blowjobs, I don't give them," he said, swallowing hard.
"That's not real fun for me. My first *real* boyfriend won't be that way. Sorry. Now, can you please move before I'm forced to be ...mean?" He grinned a good boy grin.
"No. You're ours. We like the twins so we'll like their younger brother."
"Oh, bother, to quote Pooh," he sighed. Then he finished letting his hormones rip. The bad guy and most of the others moaned and started to grope each other. "Sorry but I'm not looking for a dom and I've been stolen by more powerful sorts. I'm only in it for the fun and the real relationship stuff from now on. Now, please move before I have to stab you." The man grabbed the doorway, holding onto it for dear life before he fell to his knees. Xander walked around him and patted him on the arm. "You have a better night. I'm sure you can move up the ranks by careful selection of your newest bitch." The dogs followed, including Diefenbaker.
The twins looked at each other. "We need to replicate that so we can create an emergency grenade to help us get out of places," Alex said.
Xander nodded. "Definitely. We'll take sweat and other samples at home before I go pounce myself." They walked out past the other officers. "They're screwing hard. Our other self let out his little hormone problem to get us free of the bad guys."
Ray Kowalski was sweating as he came out after everyone. Benton was sweating hard too. "That's way too strong."
Xander grinned back at him. "It's a pheromone problem." He shrugged. "That's a last ditch 'get me out of bad places' release. It helps a lot. Guards holding you hostage never want to keep you if they're falling down masturbating." He grinned at the cops staring at them. "I've been kidnaped by *so* much better people." They got them into the twin's car with all three dogs. "Ooh, puppy time. C'mon, we'll go shower off the sweat while the twins play and then we'll play some fetch, guys." They all barked and settled in to let Xander drive them off.
One of the officers stood in front of the car, shaking his head. "Out, Harris. You're not in any shape to drive." He got into the back with the dogs so the officer could drive them home. He could make a report later, after the latent stench finished working on him.
Ray looked at the officer, shrugging. "No. Damn. Idea."
"Find out," he ordered. "If they can make a grenade of it, we might like that." The officer looked inside, wincing. "That's bad." He closed the door, pointing at a few officers. "Stay there. Make sure no one else goes in. Get a paramedic if they need it. We'll talk to the young one about how that's not really legal." He walked off, going to pray first. That was kind of evil of that younger Harris kid.
"Could he get into trouble for that since he was saving them?" Benton asked.
Ray nodded. "Could be counted as a biological weapon release or maybe even inciting rape or somethin'. No clue. Yeah, I agree, it was a good idea. Just kinda evil." They went to make a report then to the twins' house to make sure they were all right. They didn't want to know who the twins had worn that out with. No one was going to ask or suggest in case it turned out to be with each other.
Ray Kowalski's boss showed up at the twins' house the next morning, looking at his people in the car. Ray got out to tell him they were all fine. None of the bad guys from the club had shown up to retaliate. They had heard the house phone ring a few times but Andrew had stomped over a few hours earlier to complain at them.
Lieutenant Welsh walked up to the door, knocking politely. Andrew opened it. "They better yet?" he asked as he walked inside. Ray and Benton followed. Benton pulling out some dog food for his half-wolf and tossing some energy snacks down for the robotic dogs from the charging station on the counter.
"They're fine. The twins had fun. A few of their contacts got mad but I pointed out that the younger Xander has a hormone condition and that's his last ditch, save myself from the bad guys move. How else are you supposed to distract the people who have you hostage so you can become unkidnaped?"
"Okay, start there," Welsh said. "All I got from SWAT was that they released a biological contaminant last night to get free of a club." Andrew pulled up a copy of Xander's GHS packets. He had given them one in case they ran into one here. He let Welsh and the others read it. Welsh nodded, looking at him. "I can share this?"
"Yeah. I can email them that file or the head guy can show up to talk civilly instead of glaring at us like usual."
"That thing is considered a bad idea," Ray told him. "It could be looked at like causing rapes, 'Drew."
"And yet, you had to go try to rescue them and that's the only way you five made it out of that club alive," Andrew said dryly.
"That last bad guy on the door was a mass murdering asshole who once took the twins hostage. Alex nearly killed him twice getting free of him and he *still* wants to own 'em. The twins are of the opinion that he dies somehow."
"He flipped the higher minion so the higher minion stabbed him, still didn't die," Ray said dryly.
"Awww, the poor pitiful fool," Alex said as he walked into the kitchen. "I'll have to try something unique next time. Maybe a demonic poison." He poured himself some coffee, then looked at them. "We told Xander to do it if he had to so we could get free. We were going to do that before you guys showed up. They yelled you two were parking so we held off hoping you could help us get out of there. When we walked in, none of those guys were there. Assholes were apparently stalking us because they took over the club about a half-hour after we got there. We looked up from dancing to find them staring." He sipped his coffee. "Politely, they can fuck off."
"No, I think they did that already," Andrew quipped with a grin for him.
"Good! Maybe it means they'll want us less." He walked off. "That Xander's in bed. Let him sleep. He never gets any safe sleep."
"We still need ta talk about this," Welsh called after him. "The DA is livid, Harris."
"The DA is also sucking two demons' cocks and is dirty to the upper level minion of the bad guy last night, who is one of the local crime lords," he called back. "He can come beg to give me a blowjob before I have that one put on a permanent cockring spell and then give him magical viagra."
"Can you prove it?" Benton asked.
Xander, the twin one, came out with a folder. "That? Yes, we can." He handed it over with a smirk at Welsh. "I would've stabbed instead. Isn't sex a nicer alternative to being stabbed?"
"Yeah," Ray agreed. "It is."
"Still could be considered a dangerous and illegal event," Welsh said.
"Then they shouldn't have been trying to take us hostage." He shrugged. "You're allowed self defense. The same as if we can make a grenade from that pheromone compound, it'd be self defense." He walked off again. "I'll call our lawyers so they can talk to whoever."
Welsh sighed, shaking his head. "This is going to cause a huge pile of crap."
Ray nodded. "Then again, we caught a crime lord, most of his minions, and a few other bad guys. I say if they try to break free, we sic the kid on 'em again so they end up regretting it horribly in gen pop."
"That's probably considered a cruel punishment, and is definitely an unusual one," Benton said.
"Hey, bad guys get bad things happening to them," Andrew said dryly. "I'll call the family lawyer though." He walked into the kitchen to grab some chalk, doing the summoning. "The young, GHS Xander we have visiting ended up hormoning a bar full of bad guys last night to get them all free," he said when the demonic attorney showed up. "The City of Chicago is a bit pissed off."
The demon smiled. "We saw. It made a great many of us happy to see, Andrew. I can help sort this out." He patted him on the cheek before going in there to talk to them. "You're lucky you don't have Lavelle here to deal with," he said in greeting. They all stared. He smiled. "I'm Mr. Utz from the firm of Boretz and Blanks." He settled himself in a chair. "We are a light sided firm who do help demon hunters when asked. Especially the slayers. The Council has us on retainer, though we do work for the twins differently."
He took the report from Andrew, reading it over. He nodded. "Hmm. Quite interesting." He looked at them. "It could have been much worse. If some of the higher beings who hate the twins had tried corrective action to take them out, others would have shown up and you'd have had a major demon battle in your city. All the way to angelic beings who want to stop the twins before they can screw with their plots like they have in other realms." He put the report aside. "There's at least six higher powers who want the twins out of the way because they can stop or warp apocalypse battles coming up."
"If the angels try that here, I'm sending explosives up there," Alex called. "A few of their realms are that accessible."
"Which is why the higher powers that want to make power moves hate them," the lawyer said with a smile. "Of course, there's others who would love to have the twins indebted to them, mostly for the same reason plus the status of owning those two demon hunters. It was good they handled it on their own. Even better that they didn't have to summon help, like from Lavelle. He's a bit...mean."
Younger Xander came out doing up his shirt. "Lavelle got turned on by the group and ended up being an excellent gunman and thief. Plus part-time samurai." He sat down. "I'm sorry if I violated laws but there is the law of self defense and I was getting us out of a situation where we were going to be kidnaped, tortured, and possibly killed. I've had to use it before to get away from some of those sort. Other times I had help getting myself free. If we had weapons on us, we could've done it differently but unlike all the other mes with my hormone problem, I don't have the hair to hide weapons in."
Welsh considered it. "How bad is your hormone problem?"
"On the scale they use, I'm a level ten plus higher at times. Technically it's an infinity level range. I'm not as bad as a few of us, because I do play around and I made the room with the hands to help me, but it's bad enough that another version of me has destroyed over forty demon realms getting himself back. We're all very proactive about our safety."
"Then why go clubbing?"
"Because I'm nineteen. They're only twenty-six. We're young guys, we go to clubs to look for dates. It's not like we find casual sex people at the laundromat since we do laundry at home."
"Point," Welsh agreed. "Though there must be some other method?"
"Weapons. I only had a few knives on me and one gun. I could've made a mess." He shrugged. "It wouldn't have been the first time. I destroyed a manor house in Canada getting free of some dickwad named Henrys."
Benton blinked. "Our realm's died a few years back."
"Mine's died last year when he kidnaped me from the grocery store," Xander quipped dryly. "And all his minions when I blew up the damn house to get out of it."
"Wouldn't that hurt you too?" Ray asked. Xander scratched his arm with his boot dagger, showing the healing. "Oh."
"Yeah. I was still in the pantry. All I got was a concussion. I found his other hostages and got us all there before I summoned his self destruct's remote control. He used to wear it around his neck like a medic alert pendant. Pity."
"We could have arrested him," Benton said.
Xander snorted. "No, they didn't. They showed up to see what happened and didn't seem the list bit upset that he had people hostage to rape, torture, and eventually kill. They actually complained I had gotten all the hostages free because that led to questions and paperwork. I wasn't the one who summoned the demon to eat that jackass, one of the other victims did. The other officers just got them to the ER."
"Wow," Ray said. "That's bad."
"So was that guy." Xander shrugged again. "I know very well what people like that do to us. So far I've managed to avoid that fate from all nineteen of the kidnapings I've had." Welsh winced. "I'm not going to allow myself to be taken if I can help it. I can tell the difference between someone hit by accidentally sniffing my hormones and a bad guy who thinks I'm a suitable concubine and then castrated pet. I only act against second kind."
"I get that," Welsh said. "Okay, let me talk to the higher ups who're foaming at the mouth."
"Yes, they're probably a bit owned as well," the lawyer said, petting over Xander's wrist. "Calm down. You're safe here." He smiled. "I'm one of the lawyers for the Council."
"I've heard about them but my realm didn't have a Sunnydale."
"I've heard much about how you came into being. Relax. Our coven here has already laid into yours about that stuff." Xander grinned and nodded. "Good boy. Go eat. You need to eat. You're getting skinny."
"I can go make breakfast." He went to do that.
The lawyer looked at them. "Boys like Xander often end up being very spoiled spouses if they find someone good."
"I'm glad my wife doesn't have that hormone problem. She's already spoiled," Welsh said. "Let me talk to the higher ups." He took the information with him to the meeting in his office. He had been going to see them after picking up something but no, they came to him this time. "Gentlemen."
"What happened?" he demanded. Welsh pulled up the information on that hormone condition and the report. They read them, wincing at what they saw.
Welsh handed the Police Commissioner the folder on the DA's dirty habits, getting a glare back. Welsh stared back. "They'd know. The twins keep track of that sort. Especially since he stepped into their faces before."
"I forgot about that." He read it over, huffing. "That's bad."
"Yes it is," Welsh agreed. The mayor took it to look at, wincing at it. "Frankly, I agree with the kid. This was another attempt at kidnaping. He's had to do this before to get out of some of the nineteen kidnapings he's had."
"Can't he cure this?" the mayor demanded.
"Sure, if he could find a really good lover. He's been dating to find one from what I got told earlier. It's hard to find a good spouse these days. Frankly, being owned would suck even worse than a bad spouse but I'm not going to charge him with anything. As Andrew put it, bad guys get bad things happening to them."
The Mayor grimaced. "They're going to try to break out of the jail."
"Andrew suggested we let the twins and this Xander stop it, sir."
"That's evil," the Mayor noted. "Much too evil." He considered it. "Is there anything medically that can be done?"
"The information packet has noted an herbal mixture that can be used a few times a year. It also states it's dangerous and has led to deaths from overuse."
"So for however long this lasts, he's going to be here?"
"He may be going back home to New York. Right now he's hanging out with the twins to help them with things related to why we're merged for two months."
"Oh. Good. At least we have an idea of how long this will last." He cleared his throat. "What if those sort retaliate?"
"He told us a charming story about how he had to get free of an asshole in Canada who had taken him hostage," Welsh said, leaning back in his chair. "He had to rescue the other hostages, then blew up his house. The locals up there only got concerned that he had rescued the other hostages, it'd cause paperwork. I'm told the other hostages summoned something to eat the guy who said that. I'd like to see that happen to any of ours who felt the same way."
The Police Commissioner nodded. "They relive the old days when the others in their unit find them in the changing room, Welsh."
"I've heard," he agreed happily. "Needed to happen more often."
"Yes it does." He looked at the others then at Welsh again. "Can they lay lower?"
"They were found in the club and the bad guys took over the club while they were there."
"Can they not club?"
"Sure, if you want to volunteer someone to guard and sleep with the kid. Only one way to wear out sex hormones, sir."
"I'd rather not but if I know of someone who swings that way I'll introduce them." Welsh grinned. "Does that one usually live in Chicago?"
"New York. Apparently two SHIELD agents are temporarily staying with him."
"Are they nearby?"
"One's watching his house because he's healing from a severe injury," Vecchio said as he walked in. "The other's handling the problems that SHIELD has hurting it from the inside. That's all the kid said." He stared at them. "I would've asked the kid to go hormone a mob bar." They all scowled at him. "Organized crime said the same thing." He tossed over a report. "I asked for a list of who had kidnaped the kid. It's pretty horrifying but we've only got five out of the nineteen on any list. The others are all international," he finished dryly. "And a prince." He walked off. "Diefenbaker really loves the kid's robotic dogs."
"Diefenbaker and his mountie are both weird," the police commissioner said. "Of course they like robotic dogs."
"Those dogs are supposed to be really handy. Including having emergency settings," Welsh said. "The twins said something about a ball cannon and a taser setting."
"Probably handy for his human then," the Mayor said sarcastically. "Can't he solve that?"
"Not without a whole lot of sex and he's single. Since doing it for yourself isn't as effective...." Welsh stared at him. "Unless you're giving him a happy helper...."
"I'll see if we have one of those who'll volunteer while he's in town," the Commissioner said. He walked off. They could handle this somehow. Maybe if the mob got laid regularly they'd be happier, more quiet citizens that didn't cause as much trouble.
Maybe they could get those twins laid too and it'd help them be quieter and calmer.
Andrew answered the phone. "Harris residence." He listened. "Hey, guys, there's a huge demon that appeared in Seattle. Sophie's calling in begging."
"Be right there," Xander called. All three of them came up pulling on better shirts and the twins had things hovering behind them thanks to the flying robots and the younger Xander's magic. "Can the coven move us?"
Andrew sent a message and they disappeared. Younger Xander looked up at it, squinting. "Damn you're tall. How are we supposed to figure out what you want if you're all the way the fuck up there!"
The demon leaned down, staring at the trio. "You're not a slayer." He grinned. "But I know of you, Knights." He looked at the odd one. "Where did you come from?"
"That other realm that we're merged with," he said dryly, then he pulled out his sword. "Go me."
"I wish you would. It's unbalancing things."
"Yeah but we're having problems so we came for backup." He grinned. "You done yet?"
"No! All I want is one virgin that was promised to me! That way I can make her my handmaiden."
"That's all well and good but what does she think about that idea?" Alex asked.
"She's young. She'll learn to like it." All three of them stared at him. "She will and she was properly promised to me. I was going to take her with me so she could grow up without temptation."
"Nope. You can only take *willing*, *adult* hostages," GHS Xander said dryly. "That's the only way we don't get onto you for this stuff."
"I could bring her mother with her," he said, looking at them. "She did give me her daughter."
The twins looked then at him. "No. She's a baby!"
"This way she's still pure."
Xander stared at him then pulled something out of his pocket to shoot at the demon. It screamed. "I hate people or demons who prey on children," he said bluntly. "And you knew you'd get refused when you tried this. I doubt the slayers were going to help you."
The demon shrugged. "It got you here."
"Andrew's still guarding the house," Alex said with a smirk. "And we have more than enough to handle whatever you bring our way."
"We'll see," it said smugly, then called its friends. The mass of demons appeared.
GHS Xander looked then at the twins. "Want me to take the right side since there's three beheaders there?" he asked quietly.
"Yeah," Alex said, looking them over. "Jump the purple one first. Then get whatever comes. Evil me, take the center. Let me take out this buggy one on this side." They nodded and moved. Alex kicked open the weapon and pulled it out, blowing up the large bug demon and a few others. GHS Xander jumped in to defeat the beheaders. Xander and Alex took out most of the rest.
Stark landed in his suit, firing on the demons. "Backup's here," he quipped. Clint fired an explosive arrow at one of the demons, making it dissolve.
"Thanks, Clint," GHS Xander called. He beheaded another one and turned, finding one that needed lead. "Huh. You need lead to die. Cool." He shot it with the multi-bullet he had loaded when the call came down. He got a few others.
"Focus, mini me," Xander called.
"I'm trying. At least I'm not backed up."
"That wouldn't help any this time," Clint said dryly.
"No but the C-4 collection would," Xander quipped. "Too bad it's in New York."
"Oh, we have other things," Alex said, pulling out something to pet and coo over before firing it off. The demons all screamed and a few died. The other two fired off similar things. That left three to die. Stark fired on one until it finally died. Clint exploded one, then the trio of Xanders gathered around the one that showed up first. "So," Alex said smugly, pulling out his axe. "How has your visit been today?"
"I'll still end you, *Knights*," he sneered. He called his mate. She showed up veiled but strong and evil. You could feel the evil.
GHS Xander shrugged and lunged at her, getting cut pretty badly but he healed fast and this one died messily with a huge scream. "Really? You thought we'd care about her?" He blotted the injuries, making sure his shirt covered them. "So, how's that working out for you now?"
The demon was sobbing over his wife. "Kill it," Stark said. "Put him out of his misery."
"Yup," Alex said, moving up with his special axe, killing it with a blow then cutting off the head. He looked at the mother and kid. "I think someone needs to talk to her about selling her kid."
"We are going to do just that," a female voice called. She smiled and waved. "SHIELD, boys."
Xander grinned and waved. "I saw you in a comic book once. You can handle her?"
"Oh, so fast. Hey, Clint."
He smiled at her. "Bobbi." He came down off his high spot, looking the trio of Xanders over. "C'mon, Xander. We need to get those cleaned up."
"We can get him to a hospital," Bobbi said. Echoed by Stark.
"I'm good. They're already clotted and healing," he said. "Guys? Pick up the remains of the prototypes?" The twins shrugged and took him with them carrying the remaining prototypes.
Clint looked at Stark. "I'm wondering if those two are as nice as ours is."
Stark shrugged. "No idea. I know they've started a weapons designing business." He looked at the agent. "I don't know you."
"I know about you, Mr. Stark. I'm Bobbi Morse." She nodded politely then punched Clint on the arm before walking over. "Let's talk, ma'am. Before I have to call in other types of officials." The woman pulled a knife to try to cut the baby's throat but Bobbi's stave hit her in the forehead so she was knocked out. "I don't think that was the right answer. Pity." She picked up the baby. Clint came over to hold her. "Thanks."
"Welcome." He grinned at her. "Hi, Precious. Are you okay?" The kid sucked her finger, resting against his shoulder.
Stark shook his head, setting fire to the demon remains to clean them up. "You look great with a kid, Hawkeye."
"Thanks, Stark. She's sweet. Only drooling a tiny bit."
Stark looked at the other one. "So, are you like Romanoff?"
"Sometimes." She smirked. Police officers showed up to take custody of her and the baby. The male officer gently and carefully took her from Clint. "Thanks, guys. Can we help more?"
"No, ma'am. Who were those three guys?"
"Two of them are the Harris twins. They're Council," Clint said. "They're the team guarding Chicago but they've just started a weapons design firm."
The cop with the baby nodded. "The other one?"
"With the two realms merged, that's the Xander from my world."
"Oh, okay." He nodded, walking the baby off. They took her stroller with them. "Thank you for the help, people."
"Welcome," Stark said. "Want a ride back?" he quipped.
"Yeah, I can use one." He looked at Bobbi. "Have you seen Coulson recently?"
"He got saved. The one in my world got saved. He's at Xander's house in New York."
"I'll have to pop in to yell at him for worrying us." She walked off. "Have a good flight wherever."
"Going back to working on a problem," Stark quipped. He picked up Clint so they could fly off to Eureka. It was only about a half-hour trip.
Phil Coulson was watching the short battle, and decided to save himself the beating. He called her instead. "The younger Xander got some elixir of life from another of him in another realm that does potions," he said in greeting. "I still spent most of a month in a coma. I thought Clint would've told you by now, Bobbi." He smiled at her, petting the garden nymph on his knee. She was doing some self repair after running into a tree.
"I'm watching Xander's garden nymphs do some self repair functions while watching the battle on tv. I'm hoping that child has a better second parent." He smiled. "No, he's helping Stark in Eureka at the moment. Did you get information from Nick yet? Or Maria?" He listened. "Exactly. I am in a safe place and outside of that. I know I'm not one of them. Of course you can. Xander wouldn't mind me having visitors. I'll see you in a few days. Be safe, Bobbi. There's a lot of filth out there." He hung up, helping the nymph fix her arm.
GHS Xander got the message from Phil, looking at the picture of the damage. He texted it to Stark to see if he could switch out a different type of wire in her arm. He had no idea. Stark said he'd have to look at it and the wire but possibly. Xander summoned her to him and got to work on the arm injury with Alex and Andrew's help. No, that wire wouldn't work and there wasn't anywhere you could get that sort of wire in Chicago. Or New York when he called his usual supplier. Or LA when the local Xander called Fred to see if she could find it for them.
Phil wrote suggesting 'organ donation' from the battle nymph that had died during the invasion of Manhattan. Xander wasn't against that but it felt really wrong to him. He got sent home by someone to go gather the battle nymphs and a Pippen tank from the goblins because they claimed they had too many at the moment, then he got taken back to Chicago after gathering some of the excess food in the freezer. The twins liked fruit and he missed some of his speciality fruits. Even Andrew liked it because it meant he didn't feel compelled to cook. Xander looked at him, taking that compulsion off him.
Andrew hugged him. "Thanks, Xander. Was it Rosenburg?"
"I wouldn't know. She doesn't exist in my realm."
"Hmm. That still works. Thanks." He and the twins helped Xander replace the wire from the 'fallen' battle nymph. She could use her arm and it was better when he reactivated her. Though he did send one of the battle nymphs to Clint to help him. Clint didn't have anyone to talk to in the town of geeks. The twins got down to look over Pippen and the nymphs. They were adorable. Xander's plans showed the original from the twins and the newly updated ones. It was a great idea, one they could definitely use.
Clint looked up when something landed next to his hand, patting her on the head. "Hey. Why did you come here?" It wrote down the master had sent her to help guard him since he was bored anyway and so was she. "That's not a bad idea. Would you let Stark look you over? I know he said he wanted to." She nodded, flying up to sit on his shoulder. "Thanks. Did he give you guys names?" She shook her head. "Then I'll call you...."
"We named their designation as mortifero parum nympha," Stark said as he walked past them. "It's Latin like a proper designation should be."
"Then we'll go with the Italian version. Nifa," he said, looking at her. She smiled and nodded. "Cool. Let's let Stark look at your wires. I know your usual human hated that one of the garden nymphs got hurt on a tree." Stark came back with the magnifying glasses and settled in to look at her wires. "Coulson said he showed up to get the one that fell in battle to donate."
"He also showed the twin hims the Pippen tanks."
"I'm sure they'll love it. Their other set of twins created them." He looked up at her. "You need to clean some of your joints, Nifa." She looked then huffed and pulled something off her back to dust herself off. Stark grinned, taking it to do it for her. She let him because a girl had to be pampered now and then.
Clint watched, grinning at Stark the Geek.
Nathan Stark stomped out with Fargo right behind him. "What is that?"
"This is a mortifero parum nympha," Tony Stark said as he worked. "The Xander in our world created this subspecies of nymph for the battle in Manhattan." He looked up. "She's one that brought reloads and help to some of us."
"That's nice," Fargo said. "Very compact." He sat down to look at her too. "Are you sentient?"
"Slightly," Tony said.
"The garden ones are good," Clint said. "They fussed over Coulson when he was still unconscious. Did all his daily movement stuff and bed baths for him." Tony grinned at him. "Xander said that way he couldn't be embarrassed."
"It's a good idea." He went back to looking over things. "I can see why the wire he could find wouldn't work. That's a really strong fiber optic computer wire but it's a multi-tasking type instead of a single function one." He closed her arm back up, cleaning up the rest of her joints. Clint smoothed down her hair, making her grin at him. She flew up to land on Stark's cheek to kiss him then flew back to Clint to sit on his shoulder.
Nathan Stark looked at her then at Tony. "Does she have recording capabilities?"
"Not that I've ever seen," he said. "Not that Clint goes into the labs."
"Point. Fine, but she can't go into anywhere classified." She flapped a hand at him and made snorting noises. "Great, mouthy robotic nymphs."
"They're great friends and helpers for Xander," Clint said, patting her on the foot. "He didn't make you guys shoes?" She shook her head. "Did he give you anything beyond the battle outfit? That way you look like you're on vacation?" She shook her head again. "Maybe we can make you a skirt or something. Natasha would like that look." She giggled, kissing him on the cheek.
Nathan Stark shook his head. Tony sent a text message, getting Frodo. "What is that?"
"That is Xander's first pet, Frodo. It's very protective," Clint said. "It's taken out agents and others trying to bother him. It's snuck into SHIELD to give prerecorded messages about Xander having been taken, and it can run fingerprints and ID's."
Nathan frowned. "Why?"
"Hormones," Tony said dryly. "So many hormones."
"Is there a way we can study them? Maybe see if there's some sort of cure?" Fargo asked.
"SHIELD's lab had been trying," Clint said. "They couldn't find a way either."
"We can see what they have on it," Fargo said. "It's got to be horrible to live with that."
"Sometimes, but sometimes it's fun," Tony said with a shrug. "It's tiring for him to always be alone but otherwise it's just part of who he is. He has to be a bit paranoid about his safety but he lets Clint have a room for free for the saving he does."
Clint nodded. "He also protected me from SHIELD agents who were going to take me out for having been under mind control."
"It's good of him," Tony said with a grin. "We should bring those instructional tapes."
"Natasha guards them like they're a national treasure," Clint said with an evil smirk. "Even if anthropologist sorts would like the storytelling dances."
"And others for the erotic moves," Tony quipped back.
"There are?" Nathan demanded. Clint pulled up video on his phone. He took it to look at, staring at the moving figure. He cleared his throat, handing it back. "Not bad."
"That's one part of one dance. There's eighty hours of story," Stark said. "Natasha's learning them because they lead to another form of fighting with a sword or daggers."
"I'm sure she'd look good like that." He went back to the tank. "You have rechargeable batteries I haven't seen before."
"If you hurt his dog he'll kill you," Stark warned.
"I'm not. It's a robot." Frodo bit him, hard, then shot a ball at him.
"Yeah but it's a pretty sentient robotic dog," Tony said dryly, reaching down to pet it. "We would never let him hurt you, Frodo. We know how much you mean to your Xander." The dog barked at him and rolled over to get the ball, bringing it back.
Clint took it to throw for him. "Frodo and Samwise both love fetch."
Fargo shut his mouth, then shook his head, moving to check Nathan over. "It looks like he'll wake up fine. Let me get the infirmary up here."
The sheriff wandered over, petting the robotic dog when it paused to stare at him. "Hi. Who're you?"
"That's my Xander's dog Frodo," Clint said.
"It's a nice dog. Did it bite Stark?"
"Yup," Tony chirped. "He thought Frodo was only a robot." He threw the ball a bit farther. Frodo barked, speeding up as it rolled after it. "Oh, that's toward water." Nifa flew off to rescue the ball from where Frodo couldn't go. "He taught them to work together very well."
"That was..." the sheriff said, blinking hard. "Okay." He nodded. "What is that?"
Tony shrugged. "A battle nymph Xander made. We've named their kind mortifero parum nympha. As opposed to the garden helping version."
"I named this one Nifa," Clint said, taking her back to look her over. "I didn't know you could go in the water." She nodded with a smirk. She flew over to Fargo, sitting on his arm to stare up at him. "Nifa, behave." She flapped her hand at him then stared at Fargo, who shook her hand with a finger. She giggled, patting him on the hand before flying up to look at his hair. Clint shook his head. She found seeds in his hair, gathering them onto the table.
Dr. Alison Blake walked out. "What happened? And who are our two guests, Jack?"
"This is Nifa," Clint said with a point at her. "She's one of Xander's battle helper nymphs. She brought us reloads during the one in Manhattan. That is Frodo, Xander's dog."
"I wanted to compare the wires," Tony said. "Xander had a wiring question about one of his garden helpers that needed a wire transplant after running into a tree. He was using micro conduit types of wires instead of the simpler single strand ones." Nifa found more seeds to pluck them out. "What did you run into, Fargo?"
"I don't know where they came from. I haven't been near a botany lab."
Frodo got handed a seed by Nifa and he scanned it, putting up a virtual display showing what type of seed it was.
Alison stared. "You're very handy, Frodo. Thank you. I know who's dealing with that and I'll gladly go yell at them for seeding Fargo." She gathered them up. Nifa handed over a few more and then went back to Clint's shoulder. "She's very handy and it looks like Frodo is a very protective pet."
"Yes, he is," Tony agreed with a smile for her. "He's even kept Xander from being kidnaped a few times."
"I was thinking we could get the present work on the hormone condition he has to see if any of our people are working on something that could provide relief," Fargo said.
"It's not a bad idea. Go ahead, Fargo." He nodded, making that call to Coulson, who could arrange it. She smiled at the dog, petting it on the head. "You're a good boy." She went inside with the seeds. Nathan could suffer his consequences. These new people did have some strange problems that gave them all ideas.
Jack Carter smiled at the duo. "Want lunch? They can come with you."
"Sure," Clint agreed, getting up. She was holding onto his collar. Frodo rolled behind them with the ball. Others might want to play fetch with him. The scientists in the restaurant all stared at him when he approached them but a few petted and one did play fetch with him. It made him a happy puppy.
"Guys, he's got about an eighty hour power pack," Clint said. "I'm sure he's been recharging most of the time though." They nodded, getting down to look at the dog.
"Don't harm him. He just bit Nathan," Tony quipped with a grin for them. "That is our Xander's first pet, Frodo."
"He's cute," one said. "Very strong too." He was testing that by playing tug-of-war with a towel Vincent had been using. "Can it do stairs?" Frodo hopped up into a nearby chair and barked happily. "You're a wonderfully designed dog, Frodo." They all looked them over. Their local robotic dogs were much more realistic looking but could only do dog things. This one was a specialized dog. Maybe they could merge the two styles to give theirs more functions.
Clint looked at Nifa, who huffed but stayed with him. "Okay. Make sure they don't hurt him. You know Xander will show up to beat them to death." She nodded, flying over to help protect the Frodo. They all stared at her. "That's Nifa. She's a battle helping nymph."
"Does she have weapons?" one of them asked, looking at Clint. "Your design?"
"Xander's. I have no idea if they have weapons or not. The garden variety has hand sanitizer packets in their arms and blades to cut plants. Nifa, do you have weapons?" She stared at him. "I can ask Xander." She nodded so he texted. Xander showed up to take back his pets and let her show off. The scientists were very happy with the tiny, lock burning laser and her taser setting that ran through her hands. "Thanks, Xander. Oh, Frodo had to bite Nathan Stark. He wanted to look too closely at his batteries."
"They're batteries. Why would he?"
"They're not their sort of rechargeable," Tony said, looking at him. "That's why I wanted to look at them too."
"Oh. Yeah, the other twins created those for their designs." He disappeared with Frodo, leaving Nifa there. She squealed and flew back to Clint, hugging him around the neck.
"I like you too, Nifa. Let's have lunch?" She nodded, sitting on someone's phone to suck the energy out of it.
"There's a plug," Stark said with a point. She looked then plugged herself in, extending her cord to sit with them again. The owner of the phone took it back to look over and recharge. She hadn't hurt it, just drained the battery.
Vincent stared, but was smiling. "She's adorable."
"She needs more clothes than the battle outfit or a garden nymph dress," Clint quipped. "She's too big for Barbie clothes though."
"Like real women, she's nowhere near Barbie's unrealistic sizes," one of the people at the counter quipped. Vincent got her more coffee. She came over to look at her. "You're sweet looking and clearly helpful. Just don't cause us any problems and let us know if you find one." The nymph nodded, staring up at her. "Then you're not any more weird than Fargo," she said, walking off.
"Thanks, Jo," Jack called, waving at his deputy's back. "She's in a great mood today. I'm almost worried about why."
The others in the restaurant nodded they agreed.
Somewhere in South America, a group of commandos got the news of the joining by meeting themselves, only they looked rougher. "Hey," Clay said, nodding at that team. "Why are you guys here? And did that one with the hair come with you?"
"Hair...." that other Clay said. He looked at Cougar, who shrugged.
"Something about hormones," Roque said dryly.
"Oh, we heard about him from the twins," Jensen said with a grin. He looked at his team. "They told us about the last convention, guys."
"We all quit listening when the headaches started," Pooch said. He sat down, looking at himself. "The twins sent us a note about the realms joining but this is weird even on the Jensen scale."
"General Collis said he thought he had already sent us on this op," the twins' Roque said, sitting down near himself. "Guess he was right." He looked over at the two geeks, who were sharing information files quickly with each other. "Anything helpful?"
"Yeah," Jensen from the chaosy little GHS's universe said, smiling at him. "I knew something was wrong with this guy. He wants a Xander of his own. He's on the list Xander and Clint made."
"Clint?" the other Clay asked.
"Hawkeye," their Clay said. "He's rooming with Xander for the price of rescues. Something about mind control and he's presently hovering over his former handler that's healing from a stab wound to the chest."
"He's had a lot of frequent flyer miles," Jensen said dryly with a grin. "Including to this one prince that *really* can't seem to keep his hands off Xander, but he sued him for being rescued. I'm pretty sure that Clint promised to blow up his castle next time he had to come rescue Xander."
"Hell, Xander could do it on his own if he's anything like our set of twins," Pooch said, shaking his head and looking up. "Freaky, dangerous, and makes weapons."
"Ours can use a forge to make swords and stuff," the other Pooch said. "But not real weapons. We've been checking on him now and then in case he shows up on one of our ops."
The bartender came over. "Is it a twin's convention?" he demanded.
Cougar nodded. Jensen grinned at him. "We're too amazing to be stuck in only one body." The bartender huffed but walked off. The two computer geeks went back to sharing information. The team leaders shared a look then shook their heads.
"Got him," the local team's hacker said then beamed at them all. "He's even local tomorrow."
"Good, then we can deal with the freaky stuff later," Roque decided, getting up. The other one followed him to their motel to get that team rooms. They had to squeeze into two rooms but Pooch could handle rooming with Cougar and Jensen for a few nights.
Following them, Jensens were sharing about their versions of Xander. This new team needed to know how to handle a GHS problem too just in case one started around them. Everyone wanted a GHS of their own.
In DC that night, a hidden HYDRA agent was reporting to his boss about the battle in Seattle. HYDRA was very interested in that Council group, especially the ones who had left the group's safety to go out on their own. The three of them in Chicago were a deeply watched group, and now that there was this ....realm merge thing going on, the new Harris was interesting in whole new ways. Especially since that agent said he saw Harris' injuries healing during the battle. Someone had hacked the twins to check on what they knew of that other them. The information packet on GHS was given a once-over and thought to be interesting but not useful. Until someone realized they could probably create a fake version to destabilize people.