The new judge over the lawsuit stared at the gathered people. "I will make a note about needing new versions of anything submitted," the judge announced. "The last file was compromised heavily and some was burned." The lawyers nodded. "I'll give at least a week for them to reappear please."
"Your Honor, my clients think that since they're asking for child support then they should have visitation," the slimy lawyer said.
"As far as I've seen there's no biological relation," the other lawyer said. He looked at the things they had. "No, no stated biological relationship, Your Honor."
"Did any of the parties mentioned donate sperm specifically for children?" the judge asked.
"No, Your Honor," Xander said. "I was not aware that they had sperm samples of mine from my teenage years. I've never donated to a bank either. I have no idea how they got the donated samples they used since it doesn't show the biological contamination I got when I was late seventeen." The judge grimaced. "We had someone check, I have DNA workups from the current problem. They looked at the children. There was no way for them to fully unwarp it but the children show no warping by it." He handed that to his lawyer. "That DNA workup was done by a well known specialist in fertility in London."
The judge accepted the papers to look over. "What caused this?"
"A swim coach that wanted to win really hard so he was exposing the team to mermaid DNA." He grinned. "I joined the team to see why they were becoming monsters that ate some other students."
The judge grimaced. "Like the Disney..." Xander pulled out the classification manual he had to show him the pictures. "Oh, I see. That's...kind of disgusting. Was that coach arrested?"
"They ate him."
"Oh, charming." He handed the manual back so Xander could put it back up. "Just casual reading?" Xander nodded. "You live a very weird life." Xander grinned. "Are the children safe?"
"Yes. They're actually in the hallway annoying an unofficial aunt."
"Bring them in please. We can protect them from the scientists." Xander walked out to bring them in. "That's a nice stroller."
"Expensive but handy," Xander said. "Especially when we go to the z-o-o."
"I can see why." He let the kids sit next to their fathers and the 'aunt' sit behind them. "They look healthy?" Xander nodded. "Do we have medical records? I know they'll ask anyway."
Andrew handed over a packet. "Nothing that they could use to study them but recent records like shots."
The judge looked it over. "Enough to make sure they're healthy but not full records."
"The doctor's office said they were hacked anyway," Xander said. "He scowled at us for it. Thankfully they don't care about his other patients."
The judge nodded. "I can see that being a problem. All right, we have the workups for the children's DNA so we know real parents." They nodded. "The other parents?"
"They were informed of the suit but weren't sure if they'd be joining or not," the good lawyer said. "In one case, the child's not known about by everyone for their own safety."
"Stark won't do anything," the other lawyer sneered.
Buffy looked at him. "I know how to slay your species," she noted with a grin. "Don't sneer at my nephews and nieces." The demon backed away from her. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Your Honor, may I?" He nodded, waving a hand. She stood up. "While some of us at the Council were concerned about what sort of parent Xander would be, we've been really surprised he's been such a great parent. A scary parent but a great parent who was pushed to be scary. Even Willow's admitted that she was wrong about Xander being a guy so therefore unable to be a parent."
"There are plenty of single fathers in the world, Miss Summers."
"Some of us are very sure that Xander's pushing himself and doing things he shouldn't." Xander looked up and sighed. "You do. And don't think I didn't hear about that temple."
Xander looked at her. "Were you there? I was there and I handled it and it still wasn't anything worse than the battle with the First." She shuddered. "Beyond that, we've defeated all the kidnaping for their own good plans, even by my friends, Your Honor."
"We're all really pleased how good of a parent he is. Even the butthole oldline watchers who want to get rid of Xander because he tells the girls about free will and making decisions for themselves like him as a parent so the kids will hopefully be more sane future watchers," Buffy said. "Even Willow's agreed that the kids are well taken care of and all that. He won't let us babysit." Xander shook his head. "But we understand why." She hugged Xander around the neck then Andrew. "Also the three slayers that were helping have been confined pending a Council trial. We have no idea what we're going to do with them yet but they're in deep doodoo over trying to hand the kids to HYDRA thanks to Willow's complaints."
"That's good to know, Miss Summers. Does he let you babysit often?"
"No. I'm not usually allowed with the kids by myself. I really don't understand kids." She shrugged a bit. "They're scary, Your Honor. We support him being a good daddy but kids scare most of us."
"I can see that. Thank you for that statement on their behalf." She sat down with a smile. He looked at Xander's lawyer. "The other fathers?"
"I gave them the option to join, Your Honor. They have the pertinent paperwork if they want to join. Three of the other parents of the other sets of children have gotten an attorney to look at a class action situation."
"I thought that might happen in this case since there's so many parents." He looked at the kids. "What did you do to wear them out?"
Buffy smiled. "I read the boring manual to them, Your Honor. It's really boring and it puts all slayers to sleep too." The judge smiled at that. "Nira's just nappy because she's a growing baby."
"Kids her age often are," the lawyer agreed.
The judge nodded, looking at the other lawyer. "Prove to me it's in their best interests for the scientists to gain records about them."
"We can help them when they start to show a genetic instability. One of the scientists wasn't sure if they'd do that quickly or not."
"Not according to the DNA workup the doctors did for us," Xander said. "I had that problem looked at in case anything of mine, like the radiation warping I have from the hellmouth I grew up on came out in them. That should be in the files we handed over."
The judge looked, nodding. "I do see that. They show no genetic instability. No nutritional instability." He looked up. "The doctor noted that there's no chromosomal damage of any kind or anything expected to crop up short of someone tampering again." He let the HYDRA lawyer see that report. "What do they think they did to the children's future?"
"There's a report stating that they tried to create one that would mean the children would have to rely on them for their future health and well being so they were loyal," the lawyer said, handing that over.
The judge looked at it, letting Xander's lawyer have it. "No, Your Honor, they discounted something. This may be something that the other children that aren't Xander's will have to worry about. His DNA has a warping capability. That's why he didn't change before they could detox the mermaid taint from him and it just got absorbed. There's thoughts that it's from the hellmouth radiation he sucked up. We have information that a past possession was only absorbed instead of warping him as it did others." He handed over that report. "I asked Mr. Stark to have someone look at his DNA for that possible thought. Especially since Mr. Harris once got a disease after falling into a burial chamber thanks to the ghosts in it."
The judge blinked at them. "He got a disease from a *ghost*?" he demanded. Xander held up two fingers. "Seriously?"
Xander pulled out his phone to get into a file he had been sent. "The top three are all from that incident but I keep that classified because there's people who'd like to test that, Your Honor." He let his phone be handed over.
The judge looked then groaned. "Dead strains. No contact with the bone shards?"
"No."
The judge handed the phone back. "That's really weird. Was that before or after they got the sperm samples?"
"After," Xander said. "That was two years after graduation, Your Honor, while we were dealing with the remains of a classified military project that was torturing demons." The judge held up a hand. "We think some of them were HYDRA and that's the only way I could figure out they took sperm samples somehow. Not that I'm aware of any blackout times but they had been in the town for over ten years at that time. As I was a virgin when that sample had to be taken... That's the only way we figured it could've happened."
The judge nodded. "That's a good thought. To be blunt, no chance at home of masturbation remains?"
"No, Your Honor. My parents were really horrid drunks. That sort of noise would've made my life a living hell."
The judge nodded. "That makes a lot of sense. They'd probably have picked on you or things." He considered it. "So..." He looked at the HYDRA lawyers. "How did you get his samples?"
"The scientists already had it in testing, Your Honor."
Xander looked over. "Because I was helping Buffy? Were they Council or were they Initiative?"
"I'm not aware of that," the lawyer said.
"You can and will answer," the judge told the scientists sitting beside their lawyer. "Or I will subpoena the records." They stayed silent. "That's fine. They are hereby subpoenaed." He wrote out that order for the bailiff to hand over. "By this weekend, gentlemen. As you used the sperm of an underage person that adds criminal felony charges to this already messy situation. I want to know if I have to send this to another judicial bench as well. Mr. Wells, did you donate to a sperm bank?"
"Twice, Your Honor, for cash. I was told I was denied the second time." The judge nodded. "I'd have the letter they sent me but it's in the bottom of the hellmouth as far as I know."
"Many men do," the judge said. "Do you remember why they denied you?"
"I was told I had a chromosomal anomaly. I was not told which one and when I had it tested they couldn't find one." He handed over those records. "I recently had that tested just in case. Mine and Nira's tests both came up clean for that."
The judge looked at it. "I have spent a bit of time looking all of you up for this hearing. Would something like any unusual skills you have count perhaps?"
"Magic is in the blood, not the DNA, though the gift can run in families," Andrew said.
"Your parents?"
"Not that I'm aware of but my brother did before he died thanks to using black magic and creating problems. His hellhounds ate him."
The judge grimaced. "Eww."
Buffy nodded. "A lot." The judge looked at her. "I'm kind of the reason they turned on him."
"Oh. All right." He looked those reports over. "It appears Nira's a healthy little child as well." He put them aside, looking at the HYDRA lawyers. "Mr. Harris has a good case that you raped him," he noted. "As he did not donate anywhere it was stolen from him."
"We have no information on that, Your Honor. He was a young teenager. He could have done it for money."
"First, you have to be eighteen to legally donate," Xander said. "I was seventeen when my DNA was warped that way. Also my girlfriend at the time, when I came back from my road trip after high school, was a former vengeance demon, Your Honor. If I had donated, she would've claimed that as scorning her to get her old job back. I wouldn't be here if that were true," he finished blandly. "She was the vengeance demon for women scorned for over a millennia. I'm pretty sure she would've done horrible things to me."
The judge stared at him. "Have many of your dates been that way?"
"Many of them still are," Xander said with a smile. "But the only ones I'd date now would have to love my kids as well as being able to help themselves if we're attacked by demons during the date."
The judge nodded. "I think that may be a reasonable worry," the judge said. He looked at the HYDRA lawyers. "It appears there's no way for you to have legitimately gotten his sperm. That would bring in a rape charge of an underage male. What is California's legal age?"
"Seventeen if within three years, eighteen otherwise," Andrew said.
The judge made note of that. "I'm fairly certain that there was more of an age gap than that."
"He probably had other girlfriends," the HYDRA lawyer sneered at them.
"Yes, I had a science teacher that turned out to be a shape shifting demon who wanted me to fertilize her eggs," Xander said. "She didn't get beyond locking me in a cage for later use. There was the reanimated mummy that just really wanted a life, and I felt really sorry for her, but I didn't even get to kiss her. I made her choose to try to kill me instead of Buffy and she couldn't. I had a girlfriend that I groped with in closets but we didn't get beyond boob and hand groping and I never got off with her. My first time was with a young woman of my own age during a horrible night that nearly got the whole town sunk. She was post-incident hot and knocked me down. I doubt she shared anything from that, we didn't use a condom, and she kicked me out after the ten minutes it took. The only other time I went to her, to try to help her, she just choked me." The lawyer slumped. "Other than that, until my prom, which was after the swim team, that was all I got. Not like I was going to sleep with a vampire, which was about a fifth of the town's population."
The lawyer blinked. "Who was the young lady? We may have her."
"I doubt it since she's Council associated," Xander said dryly.
"Your Honor, make him name her," the lawyer said.
"A real man doesn't need to," Xander said. "It's not polite and I'd have to ask her first."
"Ask her," the judge ordered. "In case it's reasonable."
"I doubt it is." He sent her a text message, getting a groan and a try not to back. He let the judge see the phone.
"Oh, I see why." He handed it back. "Was she on the wrong side? I remember something about that."
"That was about the former mayor, he had been around when they were active the first time, and I'm pretty sure the former mayor thought they were pussies since he was working toward and ascension. I was good as a sacrifice if he had known but he didn't and he's been dead since he got blown up during our graduation."
"Can he prove that?" the HYDRA lawyer demanded.
Buffy and Andrew both looked up the footage. "Mine's a better picture," Andrew said quietly, handing it to the judge. He had it broadcast on the in-court monitor.
"Oh my fucking god," one of the HYDRA scientists muttered, crossing herself.
"I'm pretty sure the only HYDRA thing that might've gotten his attention was Loki if he had been around then and HYDRA had taken his staff from SHIELD," Xander said dryly. "If Loki were here I'd ask him if he was aware of HYDRA. I doubt he was as it was in the way of his plans to take over humanity."
The judge shut off the replay, handing the phone back to Andrew. "That was disgusting."
"That was our graduation, Your Honor," Andrew said.
"I saw you there, Mr. Wells, the same as I saw Mr. Harris and Miss Summers, plus a few other notable Council people." He sipped some water. "Is that possible again?"
"There's a guy in Cypriot trying," Xander said. "I warned some people in Istanbul when I was there. Including the local slayer."
The judge smiled. "GOOD!"
"We let the military handle the one when HYDRA came into the open, because I found out too late to stop them beforehand. I would've been there but we had to go into hiding to protect ourselves a few days earlier."
The judge sipped more water. "That's still disgusting."
"He worked for ninety years for that," Andrew said. "He had Sunnydale built as the demon attracting city it was."
The judge nodded. "You guys do insane things."
Xander nodded. "Because we're there and we have to," he agreed. "No one little girl should have to do that by herself. Even if they hadn't taken a friend I'm not the sort to have let Buffy do it by herself like the Council wanted."
The judge pointed at the blank monitor. "Was that the worst battle?"
"No," Xander said more quietly. "The Battle of the First was. I've been in some bad ones but that one was the top of my worst list." He leaned on the table. "I hope I never have to go into another battle ever again where we're outnumbered by thousands inside a small pocket dimension where we have to fight our way in then fight our way back out after bleeding on an altar. I hope I never have to do it again with about twenty people who were mostly just barely called slayers with no battle experience and a few civilians like me who had fought for a while."
"Was that the one that sank Sunnydale?" the judge asked.
Xander nodded. "It was. The town was sucked into the old hellmouth thanks to Spike closing the seal for good." He swallowed. "That's still the one that gives me nightmares. Even above graduation and a lot of other problems I saw in Africa."
The judge stared at him. "How did you survive that?"
Xander snorted a bit, smiling at him. "There's plenty of days I think this is my version of hell and I died in that battle." Buffy slapped him hard on the shoulder. "Then again I'm reminded many times that I'm not dead because not even demons can torment me like some of my friends."
The judge tried not to smile. "At least you don't let it ruin you." He looked at the HYDRA lawyers. "We'll be taking motions for the next week."
"He still needs to name his first time, Your Honor."
"He told me, you don't need to know," the judge said. "Needless to say, I doubt she was bad then." They groaned. "Or now." He banged his gavel. "I'm going to close out today's session. You have a week to make motions. Do tell that other group to file with me if they want to make this a class action suit so we can decide on that as well," he noted.
"Your Honor, one question," Xander said. "The need for self defense against the HYDRA idiots pretending to be agents?"
The judge looked at them then at him. "Less to arrest but try to be non-lethal. If they're doing this they're not really agents of the US, even if their bosses haven't found them out yet." He got up and walked off.
Xander looked at the kids then at Buffy. "Did you give them benadryl or something?"
"Candy." She smiled. "Since they're not hyper on it like you are."
"Ah. Great, growth spurts. More shopping," he sighed. He got up, letting Andrew steal the stroller from him. "Okay, you can push." He looked at Buffy, who led the way out with the lawyer behind them. When an agent came jogging up to them, Xander put a hand on his magically concealed weapon, smiling at him. "Yes, Agent...."
"Donaldson, sir. NCIS."
"Yes, I've seen your name recently," Xander said. The guy blinked. Xander stared back. "Huge problems?"
"Do you know where Gibbs is?"
"The last I knew he was in DC last night. I talked to Tony because his son wanted to babble at him about the bears."
"He appears to be missing."
"Is it demonic in nature?" Buffy asked. "If not, why ask someone without magic at the Council?"
The agent looked at her. "We aren't sure it's not related or a ploy to get him into the open, ma'am."
"I'm Buffy Summers, thank you." The agent shifted away from her. She looked at Andrew. "Can you do a finding?"
"I'd need something of his. Where's the rest of his team? Can't they find him?"
"They're locked in the office for their own safety," Agent Donaldson said.
Xander pulled out his phone, calling someone as he walked off. "Hey Abby, we have an Agent Donaldson here asking to see if we've heard anything about someone taking Gibbs." He turned, throwing a dagger at the feet of the agent bent over his children. "Get away from my kids please. I'm highly paranoid. Especially since your last name was on the list of HYDRA agents."
"I'm cooing at the fussy one, Mr. Harris, and please don't threaten agents." He straightened up.
Xander stared at him. "I had to take out three last night that tried to sneak into the house. Do you think I care who they are if they come near my kid?" He listened to Abby. "Hmm. Abby said you're not an agent there." The guy pulled a gun. Xander and Andrew both pulled laser guns. "Mine's better." He listened to Abby babble and her tell him that there were agents coming. "Great. Thanks, Abby." He hung up, putting his phone back in his pocket. "Buffy, please take the kids to the car." She nodded, walking off with the stroller. Xander moved closer. "So, you came near my kids."
"They're ours, Harris. We made them."
"They're mine, you used my DNA. I didn't want kids originally but now they're mine to raise. You're not getting near my kids. I'll blow up this whole universe first. And yes, I can find something to do that or make a deal to do that." He stared at him. "Clear enough statement of intent?" The agent smirked, pulling out cuffs. "You're not an agent. You can't arrest me. Beyond that, it's all on tape."
"We have the tape. It'll show whatever we want it to show."
"Great," Andrew said. "Hey, Bob, I need that thingy now please," he called, looking up. He put the laser weapon up. A shiny gold staff fell into his hands. "Thanks, Bob. Love you dearly, dude." He tapped it on the ground, staring at the guy. "Don't think I can't use it. I have magic and it likes me. It liked Xander too."
"That's... that's Loki's staff," Agent Donaldson said, backing away slowly.
"Actually it's Thanos's staff, Loki was just bumming," Xander quipped with a grin. "I used it to protect the slayers when you guys came out of hiding. Andrew can probably use it just as well as I can and remember, he used to be a villain." He smiled at the agents rushing their way. "Get him out of my face. He tried to get my kids." They nodded, pulling the former agent away. The agents looked at Andrew.
"They're threatening my daughter. Unlike Xander, I don't have to pull out massive weapons. I have skills, guys." He walked off, taking the staff with him.
Xander grinned. "It's a very nice staff. I liked holding it a lot to protect the slayers when all this started."
"How?" one of the agents asked, nearly crying.
"I took it from HYDRA. They took it from SHIELD." He grinned. "It's a sweet thing, really loved the kids. Even changed diapers once when I was really tired." He walked off. "You have fun with them before one of us has to destroy everyone to get rid of the plague they're carrying." He shot them a look. "Or I could ask a contact to make that for me." He gave an agent a pointed look, making him go pale. "I can find something nasty. Not that hard on some demon realms and no human meds would work." He grinned. "Don't come near my kids. I'll go ancient warrior pissed off on you guys." He fired on the guy who was threatening Buffy and the kids with a gun. "Huh, I have the laser turned up too high," he said at the new pile of ashes. "I have to figure out how to turn it down later." He looked at Andrew. "Where's the down knob again?"
"The twisty knob near the grip." He switched the staff for the gun to turn down for him, then they switched back. They got the kids into the car, with Buffy squeezing in, then went home.
"You made them go to world ending violence," someone shouted, then hit Donaldson hard. "You're going to make them destroy everyone! The head of HYDRA will not be pleased! He ordered us to be subtle!" He hit him again.
"Hey," another agent said. "I didn't know you were HYDRA." One of them tried to shoot him but a lightening bolt came down to fry the shooter.
"Not like Andrew's the only magic user in the world," Willow said, staring at them. "Speaking as someone who nearly destroyed humanity once, stop it. Before I go there again." They backed away from her. "Good boys. Now, go be pets somewhere else before I have a new herd of gerbils for the younger slayers to take care of." They fled. She smiled, going back to the house. Even if Xander and Andrew wouldn't let her near the kids.
***
Stark showed up in Cleveland, staring at the guy who answered the door. "Give the staff back to Thor, Andrew."
"It's protecting the kids from HYDRA. I'm not going to take over the world. Way too much work and I don't have minions." He walked off. "You can come play with them. They're bored and whiny today." He went back to the kitchen.
"Thor said the staff could corrupt you."
Andrew grinned. "Unlike Loki, I don't have the anger at daddy issue." He patted it then got back to work on his cake mix. "We're having cake after dinner."
"That's nice of you." He stared at him. "What if it prompts you to do something rash, Andrew?"
"Then Xander will kick my ass," he said bluntly. He smiled at Xander when he strolled in, the kids behind him. "The cake's not done yet."
"Cookies?" Jesse demanded, staring up at him. "We good."
"You try really hard to be good," Andrew agreed. "All we have are oreos." He pointed so Xander got some down. The few slayers in the house came in to get some of their own then ran before the kids could beg them for some of theirs.
"Yo, miss anorexic, you're eating dinner and having thirds," Xander called after her. "Before I drop a feeding tube and force feed you bacon!"
"Eww, don't threaten me with meat, Xander!"
"I don't care if you are vegan, I can see every damn bone in your body!" Xander yelled after her. "Either you put back on that twenty pounds or I'm going to force feed you every single greasy meat product I can until you do!"
"Buffy!" she whined.
"Put back on the weight so he doesn't nag or force feed you, Stella," Buffy said from the office area. "You know he's a guy and they're like that."
"She's an unhealthy skeleton. I'd better see weight gain, healthy weight gain, or else I'm admitting her to an eating disorder clinic," Xander called. "She has a week to show improvement and I'm telling our doctor!"
"Fine!" she shouted, slamming a door. "I'll use my allowance to order a cheesless veggie pizza and eat it all myself!" She huffed off.
Xander smiled at Andrew. "Can you babysit?"
"Yup. Have fun with that."
"Great fun. Yay, doctors trip." He grinned at Stark. "Let me have her admitted somewhere they can force food down her throat." He walked off, grabbing Stella and carrying her to the car. She struggled but he nerve pinched her and forced her into the seat. He drove them to the ER, getting out and hauling her inside. She struggled but yay. He smiled at the nurse. "This is a young slayer. She's fifteen. I think you can see the worry going on about her health."
The nurse looked at her then at him. "Has she been purging?"
"No. She's turned vegan. She's down to under two thousand calories a day. Slayers need about seven thousand a day if they're patrol cleared, which she isn't. She's still losing at least two pounds a week. I warned her. She gave me lip. We need to see if she can be admitted to the eating disorder program and I can't figure out how to get her there."
"They admit a lot through the ER's. Let me get her checked in." Stella tried to huff off but Xander calmly knocked her out again with a smile for the nurse. "You are very firm."
"Yup. She's fifteen. It was this or kicking her ass to prove to her that it's hurting her health. She's down to about ninety pounds."
"We'll weigh her when we check her over. Do you know anything about her home meals?"
"Very little. She mouthed off when I ordered her to put on weight and said she'd order a pizza to eat herself. I threatened her with every greasy meat known to humankind."
The nurse smiled. "That's a very parental thing to do. It'll be a short wait, sir."
"Thanks." He got her to a chair and kept her there when she woke back up. She huffed but oh well. When they got called back, Xander picked her up and carried her over his shoulder. The nurse wasn't amused but yay. He put her in front of the scale and pointed. "Now." She glared. "I can knock your ass out again. Do you want me to ask for a psych consult too since you're suicidal?" She stepped on the scale, letting the nurse make notes. He grinned at her. "She's fifteen. She just went vegan, dropped at least three thousand calories below what a slayer needs every day, and she's been losing at least two pounds a week from a slightly underweight state before then. Was that eight-five?"
"It was eighty-seven. At her height that is a dangerous weight."
"Which is why I dragged her in," Xander quipped. "She argued. I threatened to force feed her meat."
The nurse smiled as she took them to a room. "That's a horrible punishment for a vegan."
"It's her health or her conscience about meat. I'll knock her into a psych hospital if she sacrifices her health because she won't eat a cow."
"I can agree with that. I'll get the eating disorder doctor down, and he is a psychologist."
"Great." Xander smiled. "That could help too. I've seen plenty of fifteen-year-old girls who went vegan who didn't have these problems. Even slayers. The one in China is vegetarian and doesn't have this problem."
The nurse looked at the girl. "At least he does care. Even if he's a bit pushy."
Xander looked at her. "It's you fix it here or I'm sending you to Devon. Let's see what the vegetarian witches help you with," he offered with an evil smirk.
"Don't threaten me with the cranky old lady baking society," she pouted, sulking some. "That's mean, Xander."
"Yup, sure is. Here or there, Stella."
"Here."
"Thank you! Before we have to bury your ass."
"Fine. Whatever!"
"Good." He grinned at the nurse again. "See, she even agrees." The nurse nodded, walking off making notes on her tablet. The doctor was going to be very amused. He was reading the notes as he walked in. "Slayers need more calories. They have really high metabolisms. The slayers on active patrol don't lose weight if they're eating about seven thousand calories a day. This one has been steadily losing weight. Either she's suicidal or she's just bad to herself." He pulled her shirt up, making her try to push it back down. "I'm not exposing you. Quit." He pointed at the rib bones. "I shouldn't be able to see that and she shouldn't be eighty-seven pounds."
"No, she shouldn't be. Though that is a very high calorie index."
"Buffy eats at least eight thousand a day," Xander said. "Faith does about the same. The younger patrol cleared girls have to eat at least six and a half to maintain weight and most of them are going for fashionably thin, which was where she was before she decided to go vegan suddenly and threw her health into the crapper. I tried to get her into the eating disorder clinic the regular way."
"He threatened me with meat," she complained.
"Yup. You gain that weight back or I'm going to drop an NG tube and I'm going to feed you pulverized meat products until you gain that back." He stared at her. "I'm not going to let you commit suicide by tofu."
"I can live on tofu."
"No one can live on tofu alone."
"Shanda does."
"Shanda eats about five thousand calories a day. She's half a foot shorter than you, and she's at her correct weight when she's not sick. Which she is a lot because she's not getting the nutrients she needs like protein. Beyond that, you're not Shanda. You're Stella. Stella's body needs different things than Shanda's. Especially since Stella is nearly five-six and Shanda is barely five foot." He stared at her. "Andrew's already made you a psych appointment. Even Giles did the glasses cleaning over your weight, young lady." She moaned. "Your choices are to get it fixed here or I'm sending you to Devon for the witches to mentor. I'm sure you'll adore having all the old ladies treating you like a granddaughter."
"No. Please don't!" she whined.
Xander smiled and pointed at the doctor. "Then talk to him."
She pouted at him. "Can't I live on tofu?"
"Single ingredient diets are bad for you," the doctor said. "Let's go over what you've eaten today."
"I had all natural vegan granola this morning."
"How much?"
"A serving size."
Xander squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head. "You can't eat like normal girls."
"I can so."
Xander looked at the doctor. "She has to eat like guys with the super soldier serum do."
"I've seen some work on the metabolism of slayers. We can do some bloodwork to test how bad her body is right now if you'd like."
Xander nodded. "Yes please." He looked at her. "Lunch?"
"Protein shake?"
"Where can I get her some water or juice?" he asked.
"We can get her some water. She might be a bit dehydrated so it'll be harder to draw blood." He got the nurse to get her some water while he drew the blood for her. Then he settled in to talk to her about why she wanted to be so skinny. She wanted to be like the other normal girls and she was having problems fitting in with her friends. Xander took her phone to text one, who sent back a message that they weren't picking on her about her food needs, but a few of the cheerleaders had.
He held up the message, making her groan and admit to it. So he sent back one about her being in the hospital for eating problems and her weight issues. He also said he'd have some help for that issue the next day when he came in to embarrass one of the slayers in an upper year. He sent a message to said slayer, who sighed but agreed if only to help Stella. She had tried to pressure the slutty cheerleader society, as she put it, but they were marshmallow brained.
***
Xander walked into the school the next day at lunch time, smiling at the receptionist. "I need to fix a bullying problem so I'm dropping off lunch. By the way, this is Stella's medical excuse. She's in an eating disorder program." He handed that over. "Let me bring Amanda her lunch?"
"Sure, Mr. Harris. How are the babies?"
"They're good today. They were helpful all morning so they're probably driving Andrew nuts right now. It seems to be how toddlers are." She laughed but nodded. He headed back to the cafeteria, heading right to Amanda. He dropped a kiss on her head. "Andrew's updated the slayer eating guidelines with the help of the eating disorder doctor. This is what you need to tell the health teacher or the school nurse." He handed over that note. "He said we do pretty good but you guys can eat more carbs for energy than the protein we've been pushing on you unless there's an injury. So now it's two grand of calories of protein, three grand of carbs in some form that should be mostly veggies, and another two grand at least of things that aren't twinkies or other sweets. You should only have a grand of sweets calories a day."
"So...lasagna for dinner?" she guessed with a smile.
"Veggie lasagna new recipe to try for lunch. Plus a few sweets." He winked and walked off. "Pick up Stella's homework for her please. She's bored in the hospital bed."
"I can do that after classes. Thanks, Xander." She looked over the notes, showing her friends. "Wow, I'm supposed to be having at least six thousand a day and closer to seven or eight if I'm working out or patrolling. I'm going to be nibbling most of the time." She sighed but pulled out her personal slayer sized lasagna, letting them taste test it. "Andrew does a really good job with our needs."
She dug in. The health teacher came over so she let her see the notes. "The house had a long talk yesterday after Xander forced Stella to the ER thanks to her being eighty-seven pounds. The eating disorder doc worked with him on our calorie needs. I've been about six hundred under I think. That's why I lost a dress size last month." She dug in again.
"I had no idea you girls' metabolism was that high," she said, looking at the lasagna. "Though I had noticed Stella had lost weight." She nodded, eating another bite. "Oh, dear. Is she going to be in there too long?"
"She wanted to go vegan. Xander threatened to forcefeed her bacon if she didn't fix it." She grinned before eating another bite. "He got real upset about her weight loss."
"I can see why. Eighty-seven pounds at her height is too little." She went back over it. "We'll figure out how you can work in a snack."
Amanda shook her head. "I'm not on patrol right now so I'm okay. I have one when I get home, then dinner then a later tv nibbling snack so I'm okay usually. I just have to be aware of the sweets intake and things. Maybe add dips to my veggies at night."
"That's an easy way to add calories."
Amanda grinned, pulling out her cookies. "With the kids in the house, Andrew's been baking most every day." She shared one with her, earning a smile. "It's got oats and healthy stuff like flax seeds in it but it's still cookies."
"That's a good idea." She went to make notes for the nurse. They had all worried about Stella's health. Clearly she had proactive, firm people raising her.
Amanda dug back in, grinning at her friends. "Go ahead and steal one." They did, going back to their lunches. Amanda finished hers just before the bell rang, carrying her cookies for between classes nibbling. The cheerleaders were sneering but oh well. They had to watch what they ate because they wanted to be skinny things that had supposed breasts. They really needed to make up their minds since women's bodies didn't work that way.
***
Stark stomped back into the tower, shaking his head at Thor. "It's not giving him any bad ideas but he won't give it up until HYDRA is far away from the kids. Xander's taken it from him a few times to use on the ones sneaking in but Andrew's taken it back and used it to defeat a lot more enemies. The local peaceful community down there is taking bets about Andrew becoming an overlord sort again."
"Again?" Steve Rogers asked.
"Apparently he was part of an evil geek trio but they thought he was too soft so kicked him out," Stark said, shaking his head and rolling his eyes. "So he's honoring the one of the other two that he still likes by doing it better than he had with a magical book that made him really interesting and wanted by everyone. Buffy told me about it." He flopped down with a sigh. "The daughter thing came out. Reporters shouted at me outside the building."
Steve nodded. "You couldn't hide it forever, Tony."
"I know but it's not good for her to have all that attention on her."
Steve nodded. "You managed."
"I didn't see a reporter until I was seven. They had one run up to them at the zoo and Xander pulled a gun on them. They slowly backed off and told him they were a reporter. So he quipped about them being third on his elimination list." He stretched his neck up, smiling when Pepper came off the elevator. "They found out."
"I've answered a few questions. Is she all right?"
"He got through to her about picking on the boys. Now she'll do it but won't let anyone else. She's learned to like the corner. She'll head there now at the first scowl." Pepper sighed, sitting beside him. "Xander threatened to eliminate reporters as soon as he was done with HYDRA and higher demons with plots."
"Good. I could help with that."
He grinned at her. "Arlin flashed his ass at them from the front door until Andrew dragged him inside to sit in the corner. Said he was giving Nira bad ideas."
She nodded. "Probably." She smiled. "Any luck on the staff?"
"No. They're right, it's keeping HYDRA from the kids. It seems to really like Xander and Andrew. Willow tried to touch it but it gave her a nosebleed and migraine."
"What if Loki gets free and comes for it?" she asked.
"I'm pretty sure Andrew could confuse him to the point where he gives up and stomps off like a little girl," Tony quipped with a grin for her. "He nearly did it to me." She rolled her eyes. "Xander wanted suggestions about school stuff and how to start them reading so they're not behind."
"I can see if we have someone who knows about home schooling. Is he?"
"Probably not. The slayers go to regular schools but Xander admitted he had a slight learning disability that made his life a *charming* hell as he put it." They shared a look. "Beyond his attention span issues." She huffed but nodded. "So I'm guessing he's worried about that. Though Andrew did perk up at the fact that Nira would be the last little kid in the house so four years from now they'd have the house to themselves all day to deal with things."
"Those poor men," she said. "How many mini slayers were there?"
"Three tiny ones in cribs. One just started to walk and climb while I was there. She climbed in the armory and nearly killed herself by knocking over a rack of swords onto herself when she wobbled." Pepper shuddered. "She kept saying she wanted to pet them."
Pepper nodded. "That's weird. Joy needs more time with us."
"We're more than welcome to babysit," he reminded her with a smile. "Or possibly help them find someone to do just the childcare stuff for the next few years. One of the bigger slayers is pregnant with twins. They're not sure if she's going to be taking time off for mommy time or not. A few haven't and went back on patrol as soon as they were fit."
"I can look at nanny agencies. I'm not sure how we'd make sure they weren't HYDRA."
"We'd have to make sure that they were okay with them being future slayers," Steve said. "Not everyone would like to help the girls grow up to be great slayers."
"True," Pepper agreed. "I hate it for the girls."
"They all hate it for the girls," Tony said. "The same as we all do but we can't take that from them because some higher power decided to call them."
"I'm hoping someone like Thor can find them and kick them," Pepper said. Tony nodded. "Are they okay otherwise?"
"The few slayers that're back there are amused with the kids. Especially when Henry sneaks into their rooms to get hugs with books he begs them to read when he wakes them up while climbing in with them. Xander's been trying to break that bad habit."
Pepper nodded. "That's a bad habit to get into. Why doesn't Henry climb in with him?"
"He does. He does it later in the night." Tony and she shared a look. "He's a wanderer."
"Poor kid. He'll never sleep." Steve laughed, shaking his head. "Any news on the lawsuit?"
"The judge wanted to us to join and possibly make it a class action lawsuit."
"Are we?" Pepper asked. Tony nodded. "I'll get our legal department on it to help the ones they picked."
"I'm wondering if HYDRA realizes they hired evil demonic lawyers," Tony said dryly with a grin. "Known demonic ones that used to work for the group that helped the LA invasion." Steve moaned. Tony smirked at him. "From what research the Council had, they ask for souls on all employment contracts. So much for HYDRA's attempt at looking nicer and gentler for humanity. They're having some PR problems."
"How many politicians?" Pepper asked, pulling out her phone to text some people.
"Three that they know of." He shifted to cross his feet. "But we're looking." She smiled at him, kissing him on the cheek before getting up to get a glass of wine.
"Let me know where I can help," Steve said.
"I can do that."
"Did the other father help any?"
"He helped a lot when Xander had to go clean out Cleveland with Andrew." Tony grinned. "Gibbs said it was a good thing DiNozzo only had the one kid. Apparently they petted his boat to breaking a few boards somehow." Steve nodded. "But we are welcome to babysit Joy and any of the boys we want anytime we want as long as we're just as protective as the boys are. Oh, and Rosenburg showed back up. Xander slammed the door in her face when she tried to get into the house. Andrew's protections made her shriek and cry, then flee back to Devon. She sent an email apology."
Pepper shook her head. "No. Sorry. She tried to hurt the kids, I doubt that'll fly."
"They have to work together," Steve said with a sigh at the end. "If they break up the team something worse will happen." Tony nodded. Pepper grimaced, coming out with her glass of wine to sit down beside Tony again. "Sometimes teammates fight. Not like that team does but there's usually a few minor arguments. They have real fights."
Tony nodded. "We've had some knock down, hair pulling fights between us too but we work it out eventually." He got up to get some coffee, coming back to relax again. They had it for now and they could definitely bring Joyceline home to make sure she was mostly normal. Before she picked up the staff and became the evil overlord of the ages.
***
The judge over the lawsuit looked at Xander and Andrew. "Are you two threatening humanity?"
"No, Your Honor. Why would we?" Andrew asked.
The judge pointed at the staff. "I've had two different briefs about what that thing is."
"It's a mystical artifact and it thinks we're right to use it to protect the kids," Xander said. "We'd never take over or destroy humanity, Your Honor. We have plenty of work to do already."
"Taking over as the overlord of humanity would suck and I'd never get to make cookies again," Andrew said with a grin for the HYDRA people. "Then again, if I didn't have to beat the crap out of people who tried to sneak in to poison us...."
"Or the attempt after we left the courtroom last time," Xander added. "On the courthouse steps."
"The ones that shot at the pediatrician's office," Andrew said with a nod. "We weren't there and weren't due there for four hours."
"And the grocery store and pharmacy because I was ignoring that they were stalking us," Xander added. "Or the one at the zoo that almost released a tiger to attack the kids. They were really pleased that I handed them to the cops when we found them scaring the normals."
"Do we have reports on that?" the HYDRA lawyer sneered.
Xander and Andrew pointed behind them. "This is the City of Cleveland's legal counsel, Your Honor," Andrew said. "Yes, he does."
He stood up. "Your Honor, I was going to present a complaint about them when you asked for additional motions." He handed his card and the envelope to the bailiff. "Including the three blackmail attempt letters my office has received."
The judge looked it over, grimacing. "Including this one noting that your children are being held hostage?" he asked.
"That was not addressed to me, Your Honor. That was addressed to my clerk. Her family has been found. I personally went to the local demon council and asked them to please send at least a vampire to free them and I would give them help to get out of town. I'm told the facility where they were being held hostage got pleasingly destroyed, the children were only banged up and mentally abused, and she's thanked them herself."
The judge nodded, scowling at the HYDRA lawyers. "I think that's out of line. Don't you?"
"That was not us, Your Honor. It was some rogue members," the lawyer in charge said.
"Bullshit," Xander said, pulling out something. "The identity of the corpses the vampire gang made, Your Honor." He handed that over. "And two others that were found there that got rescued."
The judge looked. "They made more children." Xander nodded. "Where are they?"
"We asked someone to do the DNA," Andrew said. "They've been given to their parents and their parents were told about the lawsuit." He looked at the lawyer, who handed that over. "I think their parents were agents."
"Texas Rangers," the lawyer for Xander and Andrew said. "Split between two Rangers and their actual partners in this case. They stole embryos from a fertility clinic in Texas. They were not amused as they were trying very hard to get pregnant in one case."
The judge looked at that, grimacing. "This is getting ridiculous." Xander's lawyer nodded. "Is there any way to stop them?"
"Death," Xander said. "Confinement that's not allowing them outside contact if you want to be more humane."
"Even that might not work but they were being led formerly by an AI of one of the original HYDRA scientists." He pulled up that information. "From Captain Rogers' report. It was part of the SHIELD information that got put online." He handed the phone to the bailiff to hand over.
The judge read over it, shaking his head. "That explains a lot." He handed the phone back. "All right. I've had enough." He looked at Xander. "Would they be doing this if you weren't suing them?"
Xander got into his phone, pulling up a file. "This is a classified file, classified by the country where it happened. They have put three people to death for noting it happened so they could not panic the populace supposedly. Look at the person behind the problematic demons, Your Honor. I think he'll look familiar." He let the bailiff have the phone. The judge watched it, getting a bit pale as it went on. Then he stood up, huffing. Xander nodded. "Yes, I think they were trying long before they panicked because someone outside them found the child making lab and told me about it." He took his phone back from the bailiff, who looked at it before handing it over. "There's another three HYDRA known agents in that battle that weren't helping humanity trying to get myself and the slayer with me. Though that was three days before I got told about the kids."
"So they were going to take you out?" the judge demanded, glaring at him.
Xander nodded. "I found a lot of their files recently when we had to raid the local lab to hand it to agents I trusted." He looked up then at him. "Because they were making weapons of mass destruction and I'll be damned. No one wanted to deal with it and I'm not going to let humanity end for their pettiness and plots," he finished coolly, glaring at the other table's people. Then he smiled at the judge. "I found my file in their system, and Andrew's. They knew at that point I was a seer. They had another seer say that a Seeing Knight would be the downfall of HYDRA if he turned his eye on them." He handed over the information. "There was a small debate of if it was one of us down here or Heimdall."
The judge looked at that. "They were going to take other samples." Xander nodded. "They were going to take the slayers?" Xander nodded again, handing over the laptop from his bag with the full files on it. The judge got into those, reading over their related files. The list of target actions was informative. "Who is Gibbs?"
"Jethro Gibbs, Your Honor. Tony DiNozzo's boss at NCIS, and Tony is Arlin's other father," the lawyer said. "It's said when they tried to take out NCIS he helped hold the building in DC safe."
The judge grimaced. "Have other agents seen this?"
Xander nodded. "Yup. Twice. They don't seem to care," Xander said with a shrug. "Therefore we're keeping the staff for now."
"I agree. As long as you're not threatening humanity with it, boys." He handed the laptop back.
"Your Honor, that can't go into evidence," the other side's lawyer complained after some hissing. "It's stolen information."
"So is the information you have on me," Andrew quipped. "And it's still wrong. I'm not my older brother." He grinned. "He's dead." They stared. "Sorry. And yes, we did hack it. Though you guys left the computers running when we broke in. Bad plans, man. Really bad security plans. No self destruct that Xander couldn't undo. Not a lot of security personnel at a lab with active screwing the world plots going on. Not very good computer encryption or security.
"Really, the passwords were weak and not changed in over three months." Andrew grinned. "You weren't the easiest ever but Rosenburg's out of practice and still managed it with me. And hey, I'm sure I could show others that and see if they could get better information. Including personnel lists." He held up that printed folder. The bailiff grabbed. "No. We're not entering this into evidence at this time. Sorry." He looked at the HYDRA lawyers, who all were looking at the higher ups. They didn't look happy.
"It can't be evidence if it's stolen," one of the lawyers said.
"I'm not entering it into evidence," Andrew said. "I'm handing it to FOX news and CNN." The lawyer winced.
"Too late," Xander said with a grin. "I already did that last night. They were all gathering around the gate to stare at the slayers again. I walked out, handed one of them a copy of that list, then told them to get away from the slayers before they got them hurt and then I killed them for it. Nicely enough, most of them ran. FOX news not so much, but they complained a lot that women were protecting them. When I pointed out I was a guy who had just jumped in as a teenager, and they could too, they got all huffy about expecting them to handle emergencies that they were creeped out by. As usual. So now they're complaining about expecting them to help."
The judge shook his head. "That's going to make it worse."
"I was raised by Rosenburg, Your Honor. Sometimes I think like a girl. So I went with a girl plan before Rosenburg could. She planned on putting it on a billboard in Times Square."
The judge nodded. "That would certainly get attention."
"Especially the page that lists the politicians they've got," Andrew quipped with a smirk for them. "We thought a few of them had made demonic deals for power, not dark deals with douchebags."
"With two of them it could've been both," Xander said. "They are marked." Andrew nodded. One of the agents behind the lawyers lunged at them and Xander beat him down before he could touch them. "I don't think so." He stared down at him. "Guys, he has some sort of gel on his hands. I'm guessing it's a biological contaminant." The bailiff called that in. An officer in hazmat gear stomped in. Xander waved. "It's on his hands. It looks like a gel. I can see a tube sticking out of his pocket." The officer nodded, looking at the hands, then he lunged at Xander to stick him with a needle. Xander pulled it out of his arm, staring at him. "The mermaid taint means I'm immune to a lot of things, including a lot of poisons. And most of the rest, I got exposed to as a kid because my parents were worthless. I used to lick rat traps, dude." He grinned. "But nice try. Give it a D." The officer came up to hit him. Xander hit him, making the guy scream since the needle was now in his eye. "Huh. I didn't scream like that when the minion of the First Evil popped my eye with his nail. You're absolutely worthless, dude. Especially as a man. Wow." Andrew pulled him over to look at his arm. "I'm good, 'Drew."
"You're not good. There's no telling what was in that needle." He was calling their doctor and paramedics were rushing in. "Guys, the fake officer or whoever that is in the suit hit Xander with the needle in the arm first. Then Xander got him back when the idiot attacked him. We have no idea what's in it or what's on the guy's hand." He pointed at him. "Xander, feeling weird?"
"It takes hours," Xander said. "Even when I was already sick it took hours." He looked at the person grabbing his arm. "Don't even." The man glared at him. "I'm not going with you. I'll go to a very nice, not tainted, ER, but I'm not going to yours. You're possibly with the guys who attacked me and I'm a paranoid fucker, especially now." He stared at him. "I'll call my own support. Thanks."
"Sir, you could be contagious."
"It's been five minutes. Being contagious takes at least another few hours," he said dryly. "Even I know that." The guy backed off. "Thanks though. Have fun with them." A woman stomped in. "Agent Hill."
"Mr. Harris. We have a nice supported room for you. The children are with SHIELD agents I personally trust and I have a self destruct chip in their necks if they screw up and become HYDRA suddenly. Let's go?"
Xander looked at Andrew. Then at her. "Nira?"
"With them. The boys insisted. There was an attempted attack on the house. They were not amused when most of them blew up thanks to the protections on the gate but the slayers called in going 'eww' for the whole call about the pieces. Which was caught on FOX news." She grimaced. "Mr. Wells, may I have that list?"
"Yeah, that's a copy." He handed it over with a smile. "Take good care of Xander and make sure the slayers can't nag."
"Of course not. That would break quarantine. We can even keep out Rosenburg." Xander laughed, smiling at her. He went with her. "Thank you and I know it won't continue."
"Thanks," he said once they were outside.
"Not a problem. That's dirty pool," she said, looking at him. "Stark's absolutely furious after he saw the attack on the house."
"If they're with Barton the kids will badger him until he hands over his bows."
"He's one of the list but not the only one." She got him into a car. "Let's take some bloodwork and a sample of where the needle went in." He took the needle from her to do his own blood drawing while she did the tissue sample. "We'll get the needle from the agent's eye in a few minutes." Xander nodded, relaxing again. "Let go of the temper."
"Not a chance."
She smirked. "Fury's having fits too."
"Fury's not allowed near my kids or I'll release that video of him being so drugged by someone that he was singing and dancing."
She burst out laughing. "There is?" He found it on the slayer server, letting her see it. "Oh my god. Thank you. I needed that."
"So have I." He grinned. "You might warn them that Nira's mobile."
"We've noted it." She handed the phone back, letting him relax again. The car got them to a nicer hospital and she got him inside to a specialty unit. "We're going to run the bloodwork to see what's already in there."
"Banner did."
"I'll ask if they remember." She walked off calling up there. She winced at the alarms going off in the background. "Need my help, Stark? I have Harris in isolation thanks to an agent with a needle and an attempt at spreading an unknown gel on him at the courthouse." Andrew appeared, leaning on the staff. "Nurse," she called with a snap and a point. "He's bleeding. Wells, are you okay?"
"The bailiff tried to stab me." He looked at her. "They're all sorry. I time stopped the room." He stood up. "I can handle it."
"Bullshit!" the nurse said, hauling him off. "That clearly needs treatment before you die. Then the rest of us are screwed!"
Andrew hugged her. "We like your people too."
She swatted him but smiled, taking him to get stitches in the ER. She'd stay with him to make sure he was safe. A nurse down there gave her a dirty look. "I'm not going to face down Rosenburg if he or Harris gets hurt. She'll destroy the earth for real this time." The nurse winced, coming in to check the injury. It was a benefit of being at a demon hospital that no one had to ask them any questions.
***
Stark looked around the mess, then at the guys helping. "Gibbs."
"Stark." He shook his hand. "Any more of them?"
"I hope not. I'm really tired of HYDRA's plots." He looked at the guys who had the kids. Steve and Tony DiNozzo were guarding them while they played with a gun that Tony had been wearing. "You unloaded that, right?" Tony nodded. "Thanks."
"Welcome. I hate that my kid's so in danger. If I knew an assassin who worked real cheaply I'd have already let them fix it for me," Tony DiNozzo said.
"Most likely they're failed HYDRA," Gibbs said. "That's why they're cheap."
Someone stomped off the elevator. "Uncle Shiny!" Jesse yelled, running over to hug him. "Miss you and arm!"
"Shiny!" Joy cheered, dancing around with her rabbit. She held it up to him with a grin. "Hoppity miss you too."
"You guys are good kids and I missed you guys shining my arm too." He patted them on the head, settling in to help distract them. They all piled on to hold onto him. "I can protect them," he said.
"Of course you can," Stark agreed. "Probably better than the rest of us. Let us know if you see someone you recognize." Bucky grimaced but nodded. Stark went back to overseeing the removal of the idiots who had tried to get the kids. "All right, can we have Wells do something with the staff?" he asked.
"It's immoral," Steve ordered.
Stark looked at him. "Immoral is them still making new kids and making me one at all when I wasn't involved."
"Good point but using the staff is probably a horrible idea."
"Not if they expose themselves," Bucky said. "Can they do that?"
"I don't know," Steve said. "What if they're just around their cohorts so nothing gets done if they do?"
"Point," Stark sighed. "I hadn't considered that." Andrew appeared, leaning down to hug the kids. Including the one that was trying to hide behind Bucky to take a nap without sibling help. "Andrew, are you all right?"
"The bailiff tried to stab me," he said, straightening up holding his side. "The judge was one of them and he said he regrets it. I've still got the courthouse time stopped. I have no idea how to undo it or if I want to undo it. Which is probably why it's not being undone since magic's like that." He flopped down, letting Arlin climb into his lap. "Daddy Xander had to go to the ER to get a thing treated. So we're babysitting for a few days. Okay?" Arlin grinned and hugged him. "I love you too, little guy. Just like I do the others and Nira." Arlin cuddled in, sucking his thumb to take a nap. Henry came over yawning to help too.
"Joy, want to take them to your room?" Steve asked. "They can all curl up with you."
She stared at him. "No nap!" she complained. "I not sleepy!"
"SHHH!" Jesse ordered, scowling at her. "Brovers sleep! Sissy sleep!" Joy nodded, huffing a tiny bit but stayed up playing with the uncle's arm. Jesse grinned at uncle. "She be good girl."
"I am good girl!" she shouted, swatting at him.
"Hey!" Tony ordered. "No need to hit." She pouted at him. "We know you're usually a good girl, Joyceline. There's no reason to hit him. Jesse, don't pick on your sister." He pouted but nodded. "Now, be good, both of you." They hugged and got back to helping the uncle's shiny arm. Tony looked up, popping his neck. Pepper came off the elevator with two security people. "The kids are fine."
"Good!"
"Shh! Napping!" Jesse ordered, scowling at her. "Not wake them!"
"Sweetheart, I didn't mean to be so loud," she promised, taking him to cuddle. "I like it when they nap too. It makes them happier. Are you going to nap?" He shook his head. "That's fine. Want some magazines to look at?" He blinked a few times. She set him up on the couch with a stack of magazines to look at.
"Clothes."
Joyceline looked over. "Clothes?" She smiled at Pepper. "Us clothes?"
"We'll see if we can do that, sweetheart. You're growing so big!" She took her to cuddle, sitting next to Jesse. They looked at the clothes together.
"She have tiny butt. Is ugly," Jesse complained, turning the page. "No girl things that're snuggly."
"Like Stella, need 'spital," Joy agreed. They nodded at each other.
"That one wasn't quite as skinny as Stella is," Andrew said. "A few others are and they look sick. They definitely need the hospital or the older witches at the Coven to feed them." The kids nodded, grinning at him. "Just wait. They knit too." The kids giggled when Pepper poked them and got them back into the clothes. She was teaching them colors and how to match. "That's a good idea. Their daddy can't always do that."
Bucky looked behind him, carefully picking up the kid to hand to Andrew. "She's trying to suck on my butt cheek."
"She's very loving," Andrew quipped. "She probably thought you were a meal." Bucky snorted but got up onto the couch to help protect the kids.
Stark went to check with the building's security team and Hill. That way they had an update on Harris too. The kids would start to worry if they didn't know how he was doing.
***
Steve was out on a run for supplies for Pepper and the kids when he got cornered by reporters. "Captain, what do you say about Mr. Stark having a child out of wedlock!" one shouted.
He glared at her. "Not like it was done naturally." She scowled. "I'm guessing that since he didn't ask HYDRA to make him a daughter with Mr. Harris, I'm pretty okay with them working it out so it doesn't affect the kid and they're turning their anger on that rape on the proper people."
"It wasn't rape," she sneered.
"Did they *give* them samples? No, they stole samples of bodily fluid for it, and Xander was under the age of consent for California at the time." She backed off, shuddering. "He never donated it willingly. I'm also pretty darn sure that since a tenth of all the embryos they made are Xander's that I'd be pretty darn mad at people. I'm also pretty damn sure if I was Xander, I'd have people who could help me fit a tank up the butt of the people who did this to him and not only made his chosen duty harder, but also endangered his life and the life of his children."
"He doesn't have to raise them," she sneered. "Plenty of people put their children up for adoption."
"And I admire them for knowing they can't handle a kid at that point in their lives so they do the best they can for them," he assured her coolly, glaring at her now. "For guys like me and Xander, sometimes family is the only thing that matters in our lives." She stomped off. He waved. "Have a great day, madam." He went to the pharmacy, shaking his head most of the way. The other reporters had just stared. He guessed that was nice of them. He came out and the reporters were still trying to follow him. "No comment, people."
"Is Mr. Harris an orphan?" one called.
"Ask him."
"He's in hiding."
Steve stopped to stare at her. "During the last court hearing two different HYDRA agents tried to infect him with a biological substance. One of them showed up as an officer to handle the first one's and stabbed Xander in the arm with a needle full of something. He's in the hospital just in case. I hope he's not gotten something deadly because I'm really starting to like the guy." She whimpered, shaking her head. "For that matter, the judge, the bailiff, and a lot of others in that court were found to be infested with HYDRA. It's like a plague and I hope we make a vaccine soon." He went into the tower.
"There's a vaccine," Tony said as he walked into the common area. "It's called tolerance and respect. Clearly the people in HYDRA's parents were worse than mine or Harris' since we both learned it." Steve grinned, handing over the diapers and milk. "Thanks."
"Welcome. I needed some air anyway. I'm sure that first reporter will be sneering on air soon. Let me know how bad it'll be."
"I pulled all our advertising from their station already, citing her rude ass behavior." Steve grinned, going to hide in his room from the kids. They were thankfully sleeping in today but they'd find him later to help him clean and shine his shield. Tony put his feet up on the coffee table, surfing the news. People were really mad at HYDRA. Especially when Buffy Summers came out to tell them what HYDRA had done and how they were endangering humanity by calling higher powered demons down to grant them gifts.
He nearly choked when he heard her say that one of them had wanted Xander's kids as a sacrifice and that may be why there was such pressure to get them back, but no one was sure. Xander was still in the hospital with a mild case of the flu so he had only talked to the kids. Tony groaned, leaning his head back to listen toward the kids' room. Yup, they were up. He heard a growl from Hoppity. None of the boys got to play with Hoppity so it had to be his daughter growling at someone. He went in to check on her, finding her growling at a security guard. "Problems?" he demanded.
"They're unnatural. God would hate them."
"Yay. Get out of my tower. You can pick up your last check tomorrow." He pointed.
"We have to make them be one of God's children instead!" he shouted.
"JARVIS, stop me from destroying this idiot at the cellular level," he ordered.
Jesse looked up and threw something at the guy. "Bad idiot. Not threaten us. Daddy be *very* mad."
Tony looked, grabbing the grenade before the guy could. "That's a good reason, yeah." The guard got pounced and led out, the kids cheering on the good guards as they dragged him. Tony got down to hug them. "We love you no matter how you came into being. Okay?" They cuddled and Arlin went back to sleep. Tony took them down to the Avengers med bay, letting the docs down there check them over. They were fine, just sleepy. So he had anti-magic protections raised around the tower. Just in case it was Rosenburg.
***
Someone snuck into the hospital, staring at the guy in the bed who had a gun pointed at her. "Mr. Harris, can I ask you a few questions?"
"No. You're violating my rights, you're violating my personal space, and you're violating me being in quarantine." She huffed. "Sorry!" He pushed the nurse's button, putting the gun under the covers when one stomped his way. "You guys didn't tell me that reporters were part of the quarantine process."
The nurse looked at her. "You're not a nurse?"
"I'm a journalism student," she said sheepishly. "If I could interview him, it'd be the only way I could get a great job after college. Please?"
"No," Xander said. "Sorry. Get the court filings. They can't have erased them or they're in heavy violation of the law. Or ask my lawyer for information." She sighed, stomping off. He shrugged at the nurse, who walked off shaking her head. "Does that mean I'm not in quarantine and I go see my kids?" he called after her.
"Tomorrow. You're being released tomorrow."
"Thank you!" He settled in to rest. No one could sleep in a hospital.
***
"Ah ha! I have caught you, my wily little son," Xander cooed as he picked up Henry. He blinked at his son, who blinked back. "Did I just say that?" Henry nodded, grinning at him. Xander looked around. "Oh, no wonder. Great Cordelia type being, why the fuck am I on this dream plane?" he shouted. Henry burst out giggling, hugging him.
Instead of Cordelia, he got the other one, Whistler. Who gave him a look. "You're real mouthy, Harris."
"Yes I am and I'm happily passing it along."
"That was not in the game plans," Whistler admitted, shifting his weight.
"Hey, yell at HYDRA. We are."
"If they had some power overseeing them, we probably would have." Whistler looked at the kid. "Why are you holding a demon?"
Xander stared at him. "You do realize that up here, my curse of Sight is really active, right? That you're probably not going to be able to provoke me into hurting my own child, Whistler."
"That's not the kid. We couldn't pull the kids."
"First, bullshit. Second, I have all my kids marked so even if I'm back in hyena times I can tell the kids." Whistler shuddered. "Third...nice try," he said with a smirk. "Any other needs we gotta talk about? He needs changed."
"They don't like this idea."
"Then they should've stopped them."
"Not our call."
"Not mine either." Xander shifted Henry to his other hip, staring at the balance demon. "What did they think I'd do about it?"
"Let them be adopted? Before you warp them."
"Did Willow become one of you guys?" he asked dryly.
"Not that I'm aware of. It could be common sense on her part."
"I'm pretty sure it's not," he said, looking smug. "I'm also pretty sure Andrew or someone could find a way up there so my kids could introduce themselves."
Whistler shivered at that threat. "They'd never allow it." Xander chuckled, a warm, fuzzy making sound of doom. Whistler backed up a step. "They might age them on you."
"Um-huh. Sure." He stared at him, grinning slightly now. "Then they'd have to explain that to the other parents. And me, and it'd give me backup." Whistler shook his head quickly, stepping back again. "Can we wake up now? He really needs changed before he craps all over your mental landscape. I know it's not mine since there's no harems."
"Sure, go," he said, waving a hand to send him back to his body. The kid went back to his. Whistler looked up. "You know not to piss him off," he noted. "He'll do something evil." He went back to his resting spot to recover. Cordelia was giggling heavily on her couch/bed. Apparently she had anticipated that meanness.
Xander woke up, blinking at the kid sitting on his chest. "Let's go change you then we'll talk to Uncle Andrew." Henry ran for the bathroom, letting Xander follow him after looking at the other kids. Henry was staring into the toilet so Xander took off the soggy, nasty diaper to sit him on it. "Let me get the diaper stuff. Sit there and go pee." He went to grab the diaper bag then came back. When he was done, Xander went to nudge Andrew, making him flinch but not wake up Nira. "Whistler just called me up for a head-talk. Apparently the kids were not in their plans. I promised if they hurt the kids I'd send them up there to introduce themselves." He grinned a nice boy grin.
"Only if I can tape it," he said, sitting up to rub his eyes. "Why now?"
"They wanted me to adopt the kids out. Thought I'd warp them."
"Willow's a Power?" Andrew asked, looking confused.
"I asked that too." He grinned.
Andrew snorted but smirked back. "Okay. I'll look that up." Xander went back to the other room to help the kids get changed. Andrew looked at his daughter. "Don't worry, we'll make sure they don't come after you the same way." He looked. The staff was missing. He summoned it back in case Stark had it again. It pulled, paused, pulled. Then Andrew yanked and it came back. "Hmm." He looked at the glove, then got up to take it down to Tony, handing it over. "Someone stole the staff for a few minutes but we need it. The PTB wanted Xander to adopt out the kids. Xander promised to send them up there for a visit." He walked off with the staff, going back to check on Nira. She was giggling on the bed with Willow bending over her. "Don't make me stick this staff up your ass." She flinched away from him. "What are you doing to my daughter?"
"She's fussy."
"She's giggling. Giggling is happy, not fussy, Willow." He took her to check over, taking her to the infirmary. "Willow gave her something," he announced as he walked in. One of the nurses snatched the baby to check, starting with making her throw up. Andrew leaned on the wall until Xander came in and took the staff from him, giving him a slight grin. "You sure?"
"Yeah. I'll be damned." He went to find Willow, going to beat her ass. She was back with the coven so he went there, freezing her with the staff. "She just tried to dose Nira with something," he told the staring witches.
"Which one was Nira?" one asked.
"The daughter between me and Andrew." He grinned. "The future geek president."
The witches all nodded, glaring at Willow. "Did you dose the child with something harmful?" She shook her head. Xander took her phone to text Andrew's phone. He got something back, holding it up. "That's a sedative," one said, reading the ingredients. "Why would you give a child that, Willow? It's harmful."
"Really?" Xander asked. "How harmful? The nurses taking care of her want to know."
The witches looked at him then at the staff he was holding. "We'll handle her, Xander," one said with a smile, standing up.
"Like hell, witches." They backed off. He stared at Willow.
"She was fussy!"
"I was next door. She wasn't fussy. She wasn't crying, not making whiny noises, none of it." She backed up, hitting a wall. Xander stared at her. "It's a shame you're so evil now that you hate children."
"They can't be yours!" she sneered.
"They are mine. We did the DNA, Willow."
"No way! It doesn't match on the spell."
"You haven't gotten that spell right yet," one of the witches said. "One of my daughters came up as someone else's and I know I gave birth to her." Willow glared at her. "Don't you dare, young lady. I will let him have you."
"You're going to let me have her anyway because if she hurts my kid, including that one, I'll destroy her. Possibly wherever she's standing too. The staff is itchy to be used. Since the higher being who made it would probably see her as a problem to be solved..." The witches sent them back to New York together. Xander smirked. "Hi." She tried to run so he changed her down to a frog. "Hmm." He carried the frog with him. "Here, have a pet, guys."
"Frog!" Joy cooed, taking it to cuddle. "Ooh, magic frog!" The boys came over to see the magic frog. Andrew stomped in, waving his phone. Xander pointed at the frog with a grin. "Magic Frog!" she said, holding it up to Andrew.
"I can see the magic frog, sweetheart." He petted it. "If you hurt the kids, I'll turn you into multiple spell components." He looked at Xander. "Can we handle this?"
"Yeah, I can." Andrew nodded, going back to the infirmary. "Guys, let's go check on Nira. She's sick." They trooped down there with the magic frog to help take care of their baby sister.
The nurse looked at the frog they were carrying. Then at the two parents. "A pet?" she asked with a point.
Xander grinned. "The stupid one that gave Nira the sedative potion that's dangerous for kids. So she's presently a magical frog. Pending me finding a spell I want to use her in."
The nurse nodded. "I nearly beat someone who looked at my child the wrong way. I understand perfectly. How do you feel? We're supposed to check on you tomorrow anyway."
Xander grinned. "I'm fine. I told them that before I went in." She nodded, making a note and going to check on Nira. Andrew came out. Xander pointed. "You can go sit with her and the kids." He nodded, taking the kids in there to help him. They curled up around Nira, including the magical frog being held down to be cuddled, and settled in to nap while they waited.
Tony Stark walked in. "Staff again?" he asked.
Xander stared at him. "Ya know, some of us have the sight even without the staff." The man laughed. "Guys, this isn't Stark. He's too tall." The nurses looked, one coming out to check on him. "And he doesn't have the scar on his neck."
She looked. "You're right." The fake Stark lashed out. The other nurses tried something. Xander put everyone down via magic.
Xander looked up. "Hey, Mr. JARVIS?" he called quietly. "Is there a way you can get your geniuses up to handle them? Maybe? Please? I don't want to be the only one here handling things." A few minutes later, Steve ran in. "That's not Mr. Stark," he said with a point. "That nurse checked, agreed, and suddenly everyone else decided to attack. So they're taking a nap."
"Okay," Steve agreed. "That's a good way to handle it. Why are you guys in here?"
"Willow fed Nira some sort of potion that may be a sedative but the coven said was bad for kids. So now she's a frog." He pointed with a grin. "Because I'm going to find some spell to use her in."
Steve nodded. "I can agree with that. Is Nira okay?"
"She's napping and they've got her on an IV," Andrew called. "I have no idea otherwise."
"I'll get Bruce up," Steve said, calling him and Stark, who came stumbling in. He stared at the guy on the floor pretending to be him.
Xander tipped his head to the side then reached over to pluck something off. "Magical hiding thingy. I use them on my guns when I'm in public in the US." He held it up. The guy who had been pretending to be Stark lunged at Xander and got the staff in the forehead. Then Xander pulled the sharp point out of the skin with a sucking sound. "Eww. Brains."
Steve was moving over to check on him when Bruce nearly ran him over to get to the kids. Andrew handed over the chart the nurses had started. "The witch," Andrew said with a point at the frog. "Gave her some sort of sedative potion that's dangerous for kids according to the coven. Then we had a not-Stark show up, Xander caught it, and suddenly all the nurses attacked." Andrew frowned at the frog. "See what you got started?" It tried to hide under Joy. "She won't save you." The frog hopped under the baby. Andrew grinned at the doctor. "As you can see, Willow's started something bad tonight."
"I can see that. Can we remove the frog and turn her back into a human?"
"Xander said he's using her in a potion."
"I understand why," Bruce agreed. "Let's get her off the bed anyway in case she tries to magic the kids?" Andrew nodded, picking up the frog.
"My magical frog!" Henry complained.
"I'm just holding her, Henry," Andrew said, sitting up to pat him. "It's all right. I won't hurt the magical frog. We'll make her a nice housing area." Henry grinned, nodding at him. "Lay down, baby. It's still really early." Henry laid back down and got comfy, even though Bruce moved him off Nira's belly. "Sorry, they think one of them is always the pillow."
"I'm sure it's comforting," Bruce said. He checked the baby's lab work, then her IV. "It should be fine. We'll make sure. Did she get the other ones?"
"Not as far as we know," Xander called. "She was bending over Nira. Henry and I ended up talking to the PTB's messenger for a bit on a dream realm but I don't think Whistler would've hurt him." Someone came running in with a gun drawn so he attacked with the staff, using it as a weapon this time. He was pretty good with a staff. That one was good but Xander ducked and stabbed him with the knife he pulled suddenly. He stared down at him. "Hi. How're you?" He grinned. "The shit you learn when you ask an eight-armed demon to teach you how to fight better."
The man tried to back up but was moaning. Xander looked at his dagger then grinned at him. "Oh, it's my blessed dagger for patrol. I'm pretty sure I cleaned all the demon blood off it." He put it back. "If not, maybe they can test on you." The man hopped up and Xander used the staff as a magical weapon this time. The man was frozen in midair. "Hmm." He sat down with a huff. "How many more HYDRA people can there really be?" he asked Steve, who had been stunned by the attack.
"I don't know but I'm hoping that they're nearly out of heads." Xander removed the thing freezing him, letting Steve move again. "Thanks."
"Welcome."
"Eight arms?"
"Yeah. He was an arms master for a warrior society but he's retired. I needed to be better to help train the slayers." He grinned. "I took two months to learn from him."
"That's a great idea," Steve agreed. "I'd take the time to train with people who were better than me in alternate styles too." Stark stomped in. "I think that's him this time."
"I'm pretty sure since I can see the scars," Xander quipped. Stark glared at him. Xander shrugged. "Two didn't." He pointed at them.
Stark looked then nodded. "Huh." He went into the infirmary area. "Is that a frog?"
"A frog named Willow. She gave Nira something," Andrew said. "We're going to figure out what to do with her once we make sure the kids are all right."
"I get that," Tony agreed. "Want me to take them back upstairs?"
"I'd rather have them in view," Andrew said. "Just in case." He pointed at the mess and the frozen people in the other room. "It's making me a bit paranoid."
"Yeah, it would me too," Tony said. "Is Joy all right?"
"As far as we know," Xander called. "Henry and I talked to the PTB's messenger earlier."
"PTB?" Bruce asked.
"The Powers That Be. They're the cosmic power sorts over the slayers," Andrew said. "They think it's a huge chess game and hate us for helping the slayers win." Bruce grimaced. Andrew nodded. "They *really* hate Xander."
"They told me this wasn't in their plans and they expected me to be a sperm donor instead of a father," Xander called. He smiled at the woman stomping in. "I can unfreeze them."
"Give me a minute to get more people." She called that in. "The babies?"
"Willow the magical frog," he said dryly. "Is going to either be used in a spell or found a *great* tank for a home if the kids want to keep her that much."
Maria Hill smiled. "I like that idea." She looked at the guy with the hole in his head then the staff. "Clean your weapons. Brains can't be good on mystical artifacts." He settled down to clean it with stuff he found under the sink and some paper towels. He cleaned his knife too. "Who got that?" Steve pointed. "Why is he crying?"
"I thought I got all the demon blood off it," Xander quipped. "But he screamed like it burned him."
"Ah." She nodded, making note of that for their arrests. The others got dragged off. Bucky stomped in, heading for the room. "Barnes, can you help them watch the kids?"
"They all like me," he said dryly.
Xander looked at him. "I talked to them about leaving your arm alone."
"Thanks. Take a nap? You're clearly mean."
"Nah. I'm good. I've spent longer without sleeping thanks to apocalypse times." He looked at Hill again. "How many more of them are there?"
"They say that cutting off a head brings another," she said. "But I don't know."
"I'm hoping we're nearly out of heads," Steve said.
"Killing a hydra means you don't cut off a head," Xander said. "You kill them with a brain shot without cutting it off. An arrow through it, a bullet through it, something like that. Or you have to use fire to seal the neck." She stared at him. He shrugged. "There's been two in Africa." He grinned. "And one in South America I had to suggest ideas to help Marna handle."
Maria Hill blinked a few times. "Huh. Are krakens real?"
"Yes. There's one on top of the Sunnydale hellmouth." He grinned. "It's the guardian so all the other demons wanting to come over can't. You have to kill those with salt. The last one I saw was about four feet wide at the center but wasn't that old. The Sunnydale one probably can't come out of the hole fully any longer. The one in the Mediterranean is about the same width as a aircraft carrier is long. It's trying to hide though. It got really injured a few years back."
She stared at him. "Where do you find these things out?"
"In that case I talked to the local hunter who keeps track of it."
"Can we talk to him?"
"He died a few years back while he was trying to save his daughter from her self-sacrifice so it'd leave the area alone. I talked to his ghost. He was haunting his son and his son asked me to make him quit nagging about never having daughters. I pointed out the kraken would take sons too but someone had to fight the damn thing so he had to either train someone or take the bullet and have kids to carry on the legacy." She shuddered. "At least they don't eat them."
"Then what do they do with them?" Steve asked.
Xander gave him a look. "Anime things." Steve shuddered, walking off to check on the kids while rubbing his arms. He grinned at Maria Hill. "Can I feed them to the kraken on my hellmouth?"
"Don't tempt me," she ordered but smiled. "I might let you." She looked at them. "I'm not sure if the kraken would take them with as tainted as they are." Xander chuckled, smiling at her. "Are you all right?"
"I'm good. It's not the first time I've had to handle humans doing stupid things." He looked at them. "You guys ain't shit compared to a rebel band of idiots." One groaned. "Pity." He grinned at her. "So, what are they trying to get now?"
"I think someone got the dna workup again," she admitted. "I've heard they've lost a few people trying to infect them with mermaid taint to test them."
"It could have something to do with the hellmouth. The other guys who got infected were all long term residents of Sunnydale. It could have made us more receptive somehow by the radiation tainting."
"That's good to know. I have no idea how to test it."
"There's kids who've been near the Cleveland hellmouth all their lives," Xander quipped. "One's a vampire that's been annoying us by avoiding all the patrols, but Andrew's noted at least three others."
"One's no longer in town, he's in DC," Andrew called. "Not sure why."
"So they may have him?" Maria guessed.
Andrew looked out of the baby's room at her. "No clue. I wasn't going to interrupt in case his family had moved there."
"Okay, if you know his name we can check subtly," she said. Andrew wrote them all down for her. "Thank you, Mr. Wells. Do you know how your magic has been changed by the hellmouth?"
He shook his head. "I don't have strong magic and I was never the meditating on myself sort. Sorry."
"That's all right. It's something we can look at some other time somehow." She walked off calling someone she trusted. They could check on those kids and rescue any that HYDRA had. She came back frowning at Xander. "HYDRA has a lab in Cleveland. The local peaceful community down there is afraid of what will happen but they don't want to make the slayers deal with bad humans."
"Slayers can't take out humans," Xander told her. "It cranks the slayer upload and spirit." She nodded once. "Where are they?"
"In the old Prescott hotel?"
Andrew burst out laughing. "They're within a block of the hellmouth." He considered it then came out to get the staff, waving it around then handing it back with a grin. "Let's see how they like the hellmouth for reals." He went back to watching the kids.
"Andrew, we can watch if you want to nap," Steve said.
"Thanks, guys. I'm not used to the emergency sleep deprivation Xander, Buffy, and Faith have had." He curled up on the bed around the kids. "Take the frog to Xander?" They did that.
Xander looked at the frog, who was trying to get free. "I should find you a good home for a few days, Willow."
"That's Rosenburg?" Bucky demanded.
Xander grinned. "We're in here because she gave Nira something like an herbal sedative that's not good for babies." He held up the frog. "So she's the kid's new magical frog."
Stark got something sent up by one of his robots, sticking Willow into it. "We'll make sure she doesn't escape, Xander." Xander grinned. "Lay down for a bit. We've got it." He sighed but nodded, curling up on the chairs with the staff cuddled against his chest. Jesse and Joy both snuck out, in their exaggerated toddler way, to lay on top of him. He cuddled them around the staff. Joy cooed, petting it. It liked that because it glowed. Jesse scowled at the staff and it quit glowing. That was nicer and he could sleep now. Tony got a sheet to cover them, letting it cover Jesse and Xander but not Joy. She needed light to sleep still. Stark looked at Maria Hill.
"I think you're becoming an excellent father, Stark." He grinned but still looked very tense. "Let me get onto this. I'll let you guard each other in case more show up. Let me know if you need further medical attention for Nira so I can set up guards." She walked off calling someone else to come get the prisoners from their local cell. They had to talk to them for a bit, see what they knew.
Stark looked at Banner, who waved. He nodded, heading to his lab to scan the building. He didn't want HYDRA in it. His daughter would be harmed one of these times and there was no telling what he and Xander would do because of it. Hell, he might take Loki's staff from Xander and Andrew to use himself. Tony looked at the Willow frog, shaking his head. "So stupid of you," he told her. He got back to work. She shimmered and tried to change back but then screamed and returned to a brighter colored frog this time. Tony laughed. "I don't think you're stronger than Loki, Rosenburg."
***
Xander showed up for the newest meeting with a judge about HYDRA. His lawyer was there. No one else had shown up, the judge had the courtroom closed for security reasons. "No, I didn't bring the children," he said when the judge asked him. "I don't want to turn them evil by making them watch me take out idiots who attack me." He looked at the other side. "You guys make me more kids, watch the next one be imbued by the Powers That Be to destroy you all. With the way they hate me, I'm really surprised none of them have been blessed to them yet in *some* manner. After all, they're all about balance."
"They weren't supposed to be activating any embryos," the judge said, looking over the edge of his glasses at him.
Xander grinned. "Then you might want to steal the ones they stole from SHIELD's remains back," he said dryly. "Two of those archive machines that hold samples got stolen yesterday. The machines to birth them were stolen the day before by a different group of agents." The judge moaned, shaking his head. "Half of them weren't marked as to origins so I'm pretty sure some of mine are in there. I make up half of ten percent of the embryos, Your Honor. Do I really need more kids for them to upkeep?"
"If we pay for them, we'll get at least visitation," the other side's lawyers said. "After all, they're ours."
"You have no genetic relationship," Xander's lawyer reminded him. "You just illegally made the children. Including taking a sample from him by rape."
"We did not. Someone finally found that file. Mr. Harris was a senior in high school." He handed that to the judge.
Xander pulled out his wallet, handing over his ID. "Can you please tell them to count, Your Honor. I know very well when I turned eighteen, which was six weeks after I got infected with mermaid taint. Which is what made me infertile without a lot of DNA tampering they weren't going to do."
The judge looked at the notes, nodding. "He was still seventeen then. Was the person who collected the samples less than three years older than him?" The lawyers all shook their heads, including Xander's lawyer looking smug while doing it. "That means you just admitted some of your people participated in a statutory rape, in a gang rape manner as there were noted to be six people there." He looked at his bailiff, handing them to him. "For him."
Xander looked them over. "Huh. Well, I hope like hell my parents are enjoying hell. Since they wouldn't evacuate, they got sucked in with the hole." He handed the papers to his lawyer before putting his ID back.
"Your Honor, we're against this going on any longer," Xander's lawyer said. "Can you make them quit stalling so a decision can be reached? Before my client gets mad enough to make a wish to end them?"
Xander grinned at him. "Technically, no wish demon will ever answer a wish for me unless it's critical to the health of the world. That being said, they will answer one for the kids and I have caught a wish demon prompting one of the kids to talk to them. Thankfully the kids weren't all that verbal because HYDRA's goons were shit parents. The kids couldn't talk at all when we found them."
"Could demons do that?" the judge demanded.
Xander grinned and nodded. "Yeah, if someone wished the end of HYDRA they can do that. They might be *messy* depending on the wish and which wish demon caught the wish. I know a few of them are salivating over that idea. I ran into one while out playing poker for intelligence about an upcoming incident last night."
The judge winced. "Who will be watching them while you're fighting?"
"If Andrew's not in the battle, him. If not, I'm paying a few of the coven to watch them. They already agreed and a few of them think it'll be charming to warp my kids into uptight Brits like the old line watchers were."
The judge grimaced. "A nanny perhaps?"
"I don't make that sort of money, Your Honor, and unless I somehow *confiscate* their funds, I probably won't be. That would be another benefit of them paying upkeep and maintenance for the kids they created for us."
The judge nodded. "It might be safer, so the children don't have to see you in battles?"
"My kids already know what I do is important. Not like there's many that back up the slayers, Your Honor."
"What if you have to retire?"
"I'll fall back to a limited danger position," Xander said dryly. "I can research and I can set up somewhere to train the girls if I had to. I've thought about it. Especially the days when I wake up in pain from injuries."
"That's something I would consider a reasonable outcome." He stared at him then at the others. "I agree, there will be no more motions to continue. You'll give a statement today or this case will be decided in their favor." The other lawyers were spluttering.
One stepped up. "I will be giving the opening statement, Your Honor," the new lawyer said. "They were waiting until I got off my last important case."
"Your Honor, a problem," Xander's lawyer said. "This is actually one of my superiors at Wolfram and Hart. He's not licensed to be a lawyer within the US."
"I could bring him in and be a lot richer," Xander quipped. "There's a huge bounty on his head."
The demon sneered at him. "You're not that good, Harris."
Xander grinned, pulling something out of his bag. "Really? Do you really think that I'm that unprepared for demons?" The demons, both lawyers, looked at the thing in his hand. He grinned, handing his lawyer an antidote bottle. "So.... Mr. I was part of the invasion of LA." The judge moaned. "Mr. I have a *huge* bounty on my head. I could easily outfit the kids in stuffed animals for *years* thanks to you."
"How did you get that into the courtroom?" the judge asked, sounding tired.
"The agent that walked me through security this morning made sure I had it, Your Honor. He said I'd need it to bring in this being. Something about 'not his job' but he was tired of waiting on others to handle it for him."
"Is he here?"
"I don't know," Xander said. "You can go have someone check."
"Will you give him back that weapon?"
Xander petted it with a smile. "The slayers really could use it later, Your Honor."
"Then the agent can give it back to you once we're out of the courthouse, sir."
"Yes, Your Honor." The bailiff called someone, and they came in. Xander handed over the weapon. "He said I can't have it in here."
"I wanted to see you set it off in a few offices to get some demons causing problems," the agent complained. He did tuck it into his pocket.
"Is there an active warrant for that being?" the judge demanded.
"Yes, Your Honor. There's a few charges of treason against humanity waiting on him. Also, his citizenship was revoked. All his formal certifications were revoked the week after we found out who was behind that charming invasion of Los Angeles. I'll be happily taking him in to have a fair trial by federal jury."
Xander waved. "The other two you're looking for are still in lower Africa. One's in South Africa. One's in Madagascar polluting the beauty there. He's busy trying to create his own little toxic empire like he's on Captain Planet's cartoon."
The agent smiled. "Thank you, Mr. Harris. We like that information." He walked the demon off reading him his rights. They could send people to get the others they were still missing. Maybe the senior slayer in Gibralter would help them. She was excellent at those sort of maneuvers.
Xander grinned. "Maybe they'll pay for a few months of diapers." The judge snorted, shaking his head a bit. "I could use it. There's five of them and they had the runs last week. Even Joy's other daddy said he couldn't afford diapers for her for too long."
A tiny blue demon with bat ears appeared, looking up at the judge. "It is the ruling of the High Council of Westchester County that the HYDRA demons be exposed and eliminated for endangering all demon kind," he announced.
Xander walked around to hug him. "I love you guys. Thank you for making my life easier."
The demon glared at him. "Human!"
Xander grinned. "I'm Xander."
The demon shuddered. "We did not do it for you but we did it to make sure you and your cohort did not destroy any innocents when you had to go after them. Put me down!" Xander put him down with a grin, going back to his seat. The demon huffed. "Humans are wrong and weird." He looked at the judge, handing over that judgement. "They have abused their privilege and safety. So say most of the Councils on this plane." He disappeared to go shudder in horror. "Harris picked me up! He squeezed me!" he complained to their council.
"It's called a hug. Humans do that when they're happy," Dawn chirped from her seat, smiling at him. "Xander's really good at hugs." The demon walked off huffing. "Sorry. I'll have him write an apology." She smiled at the others she had summoned. "So?"
"It's a good start, Summers," one said.
Dawn grinned. "Willow's presently a tiny magical frog for trying to harm the kids. Xander's got *two* enemies for as long as they last. He's not sleeping. He's not eating. He's using mystical, magically based artifacts." The demons moaned. "It's him using Thanos' staff or Andrew. Which do you think will make it there first?"
"We will make sure the human ones out themselves," another demon said.
A wish demon appeared, staring oddly at Dawn. "Does your sister know you're here?"
"No." She smiled. "She's aligned herself with Willow again. Willow the Magical Frog had a bad idea the other night."
"I heard," she said. "Halfrek's successor is forbidden to come help any of them unless humanity hangs in the balance."
Dawn pulled out her phone to pull up a picture, showing it to the wish demon over lost dreams. "I think you can see why I'm a bit worried."
She stared at the picture. "Is that... That's Thanos' staff," she said quietly. "In Andrew's hand."
"No, they share it," Dawn quipped. She changed the picture. "It was really handy when he was protecting the slayers during the coming out party for HYDRA." She let her see that picture. It had Xander casting magic with the staff.
"That's bad."
"Bad is that the makers of the kids activated magical gifts in two of the boys. In Joy it led to empathy." Dawn grinned. "She's so empathic she's gone to pet the guy who turns into the Hulk because he was angry. Since her other daddy's an Avenger...."
The wish demon winced. "Oh, dear." She looked up then at her. "D'Hoffryn doesn't think it'll be that bad."
"The baby is half Xander's and half Andrew's." Dawn smirked. "She's already got chaos magic, even before her six month birthday."
"Oh, fuck," D'Hoffryn said in a demon language as he appeared. "Nira is whose?"
"Andrew and Xander's." She grinned at him, hugging his arm. "They said she'll become the first geekette president. And if they don't quit bothering him, Xander's going to ask someone to make him president first." The demons all shuddered. "Just to protect the kids and the slayers."
"Let me talk to other higher beings," D'Hoffryn said.
"Does HYDRA have one?" she asked.
"No. Unfortunately not." He disappeared, ending up bringing Dawn since she was still hugging his arm. He glared at her. She grinned. "They'll destroy you."
"They'll try. I'm not that easy, D'Hoffryn, and I am a cosmic power." He huffed but took her with him. "Hidey ho, neighbors," she chirped as they walked into a meeting room.
"A new consort, D'Hoffryn? She's pretty," one of the higher beings said.
Dawn opened her magic, making them all stare. "Sorry, I don't think I could date anyone but a human. My first crush was Xander and not many live up to his image." She sat down at the table, smiling at them. "We all got problems. Xander's presently got high powered chaos artifacts and he's going to destroy people who keep trying to take his kids away from him. Because they made the kids. Including the one between him and Andrew Wells."
"You can't be her. She's a ball," one of them said, staring at her.
"Yeah and then Glory got woken up. The monks fell. They sent me to be the sister of a slayer to protect me. They should've made me the sister of someone else, but that's a longer story." They threw some magic at her and she absorbed it. "The things you learn from Rosenburg's books. Not like she'll need them as a magical frog."
"She is the Key," D'Hoffryn complained. "She's right about her origins." He felt a feeling of dread, looking around. "That's bad."
Dawn licked a finger, holding it up. "Andrew just lost his temper. Huh. I should probably go help calm him down." She looked at them, grinning at the higher beings. "I'll be back so we can talk about Xander's babies, including the one between them, and how they're using magical artifacts now." She disappeared, landing in a mess. "Huh." She blocked Andrew's magical flash at her. "Don't do that. It'll mess up my hair then I'll have to channel Buffy." She looked around, nodding. "Nice. Why here?"
"They have Nira."
"Okay. Sure. Let's summon her." She did that and handed the baby to Andrew. "You go be a daddy. Let me do some cleaning. 'Kay?" She smiled.
"Hell. No. Nira can cheer me on, just like you can."
Xander appeared with the staff, patting the baby on the head. "Hey, sweetie. Help daddy calm down. I've got to go destroy things."
"My turn," Andrew said, taking the staff. He handed Xander Nira before stomping off. Dawn waved, following. "I don't need help."
"Yes you do. I'm an excellent rechargeable battery, 'Drew." She grinned. "I'm so great at it." He snorted but took her hand, blowing up the labs around them. "Wow, what idiots. Xander, they were trying again."
"We knew that," he called, checking Nira over. "They took her blood, 'Drew."
"Fuck that shit," he growled, destroying the rest of the lab. Then he huffed. Dawn took the staff to wave and the building disappeared. "Thanks."
"Welcome." She walked him back, letting him lean on her. "I wanted in on some of the family fun before they make me kids for Buffy to warp." She got them back to the tower, letting Andrew take the staff from her before she went back to the meeting. The demons had watched. They weren't amused. They were really pissed off at Andrew. Dawn showed them why and that made more sense but Andrew could be dangerous. Then the tower got attacked. Xander grabbed the staff and ended the attack in a brutal, physical fighting manner before using the magic in it.
The demons looked at each other. The Oracle there for the Powers That Be shook his head. "We did not realize that about him."
"Duh," Dawn quipped, smiling at him. "You haven't watched Xander making your plans work for you yet. Look what might've happened if he had lost any of his battles in Africa." They looked at that what-if idea, most of them hating what they saw. The rest saw another battle outside Africa. They saw him lose as the what-if. Then they saw the demons taking out all of humanity and spreading to other beings on other planets. Even Asgard did not stand for long.
Dawn clapped her hands, drawing them out of that viewing. She smiled at them. "Do you think we can stop this present problem before they stop this present problem? It's bad enough I have to look up frog care for Willow." She looked down at the kids. Joy and the others were talking about bad guys who weren't shiny, they just weren't worthy of them dealing with by telling Daddy. Stark and the other Avengers were horrified but no one was stopping them. Dawn grinned at them. "They'll make excellent Knights some year soon."
The higher demons shared looks then got down to planning how to end this problem so the children weren't their father remade. They couldn't stand five little Xanders out there handling problems. Humanity would end for some very wrong reason, probably having to do with chocolate.
***
One Little, Two Little, Three Little Knights, Four Little, Five Little, Six Little Xanders.